Dungeons and Daddies - Flight Risk (ft. Hey Riddle Riddle!)

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Elsewhere in our universe, three hardened criminals (played by the Hey Riddle Riddle crew!) break their way out of a prison transport en route to the Meth Bay Supermax in a one-shot scenario that might seem awfully familiar if you're a Nicholas Cage fan...Thanks to Hey Riddle Riddle for guesting on our show! Will, Beth, and Freddie guested on their podcast this week as well, so check em out!This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.DM is Anthony BurchAdal Rifai as Dr. Peter WingspanJohn Patrick Coan as Granny ZukoErin Keif as Lime LaCroixMatt Arnold as ThumperFreddie Wong as PlagueTheme song by Maxton WallerCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a My Dad Wrote a Porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to a special bonus episode of Dungeons & Daddies. Though I'm your daddy master as always, and Freddy and Matt will be here as NPCs, the main characters of this episode will actually be played by the stars of literally the funniest podcast on the internet, Hey Riddle Riddle. So we've got Al Rify, Aaron Keefe, and JPC here. Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much for having us. Hey Riddle Riddle is a podcast where the three of us try and solve riddies and puzzies. And along the way, we call for improvised scenes and do all kinds of just classic shenanigans. Just your classic 1950s shenanigans. Exhausting shenanigans. That's what I meant to say. Thank you so much. That's what I'm trying to say. And as we try and do those scenes, JPC derails us.

I think I do it about a third of the time. Everyone else gets in there to derail as well. You're a classic podcast penny on the railroad, Trex. I will say that when we first started Dungeons and Daddies, we were looking at various podcasts, various sort of dynamics. And Anthony brought up, he was like, well, there's only really one podcast I've been listening to. And he turned me on to you folks. And most of the time when someone recommends you a podcast, you say, no, thank you.

Well, no, you go, yeah, oh yeah, absolutely, I will. And then you continue to lie for the rest of your relationship together. But I listened to it and I quite enjoyed it. So we look forward to showing up on your end. But tonight you are playing in our playground, motherfuckers. All the doors in my apartment just locked.

How did you do that? All my windows exploded. That's a new Alexa feature. I love to say that Anthony said something very nice about the podcast and said it was very funny. And then Freddie said

Anthony only listens to one podcast. So just to point out. Next to Serial Season 3, it is the funniest podcast. Ooh, wait wait never mind love those odds love those odds

no we're all very happy to be here well thanks for coming on thanks for having us and just to clarify I'm the Asia Malone of our podcast Aaron, JBC, and Adel

the three of you wake up in a room that is far far longer than it is wide. It's almost like a train car. And there are big metal cage doors every 30 feet or so, separating groups of people from other groups of people. As you look around, you immediately see each other and you're all strapped into chairs. You have your names on bright orange outfits that also have the crime for which you have been arrested.

All three of you have been arrested for some sort of crime. So what do you see when you look at each other? What are your names and what are you in for? I'll start. When you look at me, this is JPC. If you're not familiar with my voice, you're going to be. Woof. Yeah, well, my trial will be very public.

For vocal crimes. Yeah, vocal crimes. I'll be playing granny zuko granny zuko is a 74 year old woman she has gray hair she's kind of squat she has obviously lived a life of labor not like a an easy life she's very much a person of the people Her hair is like tied back tight in a bun and she has little reading glasses on, like kind of like push down her nose, like what you would imagine if you thought about a librarian. And her crime says illegal street racing. This is Adel's voice. My character is Dr. Peter Wingspan. He is a rogue Arakokra. Aacocra. Not sure how to say that. He's basically like a humanoid falcon. He has sort of reddish brown plumage, except at the very top of his head,

it's all gone white. He is not an actual doctor. Dr. Peter Wingspan, I have to reiterate this. He's not an actual doctor. He is called Dr. Peter Wingspan because he doctors papers, maps, IDs, you name it. He provides fake documents for anyone who needs that service. He's a bird man, so he's fairly slight. He obviously has avian hollow bones, so he's not very muscular or anything. But you can tell he's a bit of a badass because he does have a tattoo. There's some feathers plucked out around his collarbone. And he does have a tattoo that says flight risk. Nice.

Which everyone loves because he's a bird. Yeah, and that's Dr. Peter Wingspan. Wasn't that one of Jared Leto's Joker tattoos? Don't ever disrespect my favorite Joker. This is Aaron's voice. And I am playing Lime LaCroix, who is a sorcerer tiefling. Am I saying that right? Sorcerer, yes. I think it's actually LaCroix. LaCroix. Okay, thank you so much. Lime LaCroix. She is just like sort of a loser. She keeps getting fired from different jobs. Her hair is

green. Her skin is green. Her favorite color is green. She has a tattoo that says flight risk. Her favorite color is green. She has a tattoo that says flight risk. What the fuck? And she's in there for just not taking simple instructions, which is against the law. Fantastic. It's cool that her favorite color is also her skin color. Because if I was like, my favorite color is white, people would be like, what?

What are you talking about? Okay, so why doesn't everybody roll me perception? Hell yeah. Granny Zuko rolled an eight. So whatever it is, she ain't having it. The glasses are, by the way, she needs them to see. They're down on her nose for a look. It's not really helping her at all.

Peter Wingspan rolled a 17 perception. I rolled a 15. Wingspan and LaCroix, you can tell immediately that something is not quite right about this place. The walls are red and wet and glistening. They're moving in a way that your brain can't quite make heads or tails of yet. What do we think that's on the wall? Is that blood or can I eat that? Are those two separate questions?

No, they're the same. You know the difference between jam and blood? Blood doesn't have seeds in it. Well, mine does. You know what? I'm going to stop talking about it and just do it. Put the blood where my mouth is. It was definitely blood, and I loved it.

You guys, you got to try this blood. Granny Zuko, you can see that next to you is a large metallic orb that is also strapped into a chair just like you. It's an orb that the bottom half of it is covered by an orange jumpsuit and it just says ball on it. And under crime, it just says balling. A voice booms from all around you. Sorry, it feels like it's coming.

Anthony, this ball doesn't have any tattoos, right? Around the neck or collarbone? Oh yeah, no, it has one that says flight risk. Mother fuck. I thought I was the trendsetter, but I am a sucker. Yeah, no, back in Canada, he's actually the first one who did it, and you saw it, and that's what made you want to.

That's how you do improv, right? Is you, like, retcon what somebody else did? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you hear a voice booming from all around you simultaneously, and the voice is like, Wake up, criminals. You are on your way to the Meth Bay Supermax,

the most brutal and inescapable prison of all time. You have two hours until we arrive, and once you do, the rest of your life sentences shall begin. The ball next to you says, Guys, we've got to get out of here. I've heard a lot about the Beth Bay prison. The Supermax is not a good place to be. And Dr. Peter Wingspan says, where is your mouth? That's a fucking offensive. Where's your mouth, asshole? I guess my beak is my mouth, but I guess my apologies. I just couldn't tell where the voice was coming out of. Well, friend, you're correct. We need, and this is a totally original voice

that I created right now. Keep reaching for the stars. We do need to get out of here. Do you know of any way to undo these straps? I do, I do. But you're going to have to give me a hit. Knowledge is my thing. I need a quick hit of knowledge.

I have this fucking problem, right? This puzzle that somebody told me once. I don't have a solution. If you could solve it, I feel like that's an even exchange, and I'll let you out. Does that work? Does that make sense? If your problem is drugs, son, then the Lord could help sort that out for you. I'm Granny Zuko, a cleric of the Lord. Is there anything that I could do to assist you?

Yeah, you could stop proselytizing at me and solve my fucking puzzle. I don't need it. I don't need Jesus. You think you don't. We'll solve a riddle. All right, so here's the riddle. You can walk when you have four of me. Any less, don't even try.

When you have lots of fun, you're possessing me. Now tell me, what am I? Okay, this will take the full two hours. This is a terrible situation. We've painted ourselves into a corner. You can walk when you have four of me. Okay, is it an hour-long wait? If I had a four-hour wait, I'm telling you right now,

I would walk right out of there and go to a different Red Lobster. I think I know the solution. You can walk when there's four of me. Of course, a walk is a cooking utensil. You take four types of vegetables, watercress, probably some sort of onion,

tomato, and a second kind of onion. I love combining onion types. Four of me. What's the second half of that? You can walk when you have four of me. Any less,

don't even try. When you have lots of fun, you're possessing me. Now tell me, what am I? When you have lots of fun, you're possessing me. Now tell me, what am I? When you have lots of fun, you're possessing me. Well, I will say walk when you have four of me. I'm, of course, an Arakakura, however you say it, and I'm a sort of bird man, and I have talons, not toes, and I do have four talons on each foot. There's sort of three frontward-facing claws,

and then a sort of backwards thumb claw on my bottom, so could be claws. It's crazy that even though I don't know the answer, I know for sure that you're not close. That's the only thing about this. Okay, try not to take that personally, but it seems very pointed at me. Oh, fuck you. I can't point, I'm a sphere.

Is it wheels on something? Oh, that feels maybe closer. Still not quite it. No, it's fine. And real quick, just non sequitur, completely out of nowhere, I would like to say the three following words. The wind, egg, and an echo.

Just like to get those three out of there. Nine, nine percent of the time, that's the right answer. Eleven. No, it's not. It's none of those. It's not an eleven? Oh, man. Okay.

Well, Anthony, we are in cages, right? Like in these boxes. Directly across from us, do we see anyone else in a cage or are we pretty much alone here? In this particular antechamber, you are alone except for you in the sphere. But on the other side of a cage,

you can see there are three really fleshy meat men looking at, they're like humanoid piles of meat wearing blue coats with little tin stars on them. Three of them are walking around in the next room surrounding another smaller cell that's only big enough for one person. And the person inside, if you can even call it that, it's like a big transparent jumpsuit.

And inside the jumpsuit is a bunch of like green, cloudy smoke that's just undulating within it. It feels like there's actually nothing in the suit other than the smoke, but it's taking this like humanoid form because of the container that it's in. Yoo-hoo, excuse me. nothing in the suit other than the smoke, but it's taking this like humanoid form because of the container that it's in. You who, uh,

excuse me. Um, Oh my God. That thing is so handsome. I'm going to blow it. She's trying to fuck smoke again. I'm going to try to, I'm going to succeed.

The instructions that Lickroy didn't follow were please don't fuck the smoke, man. Exactly. Excuse me. Smoke. Yes. Excuse me, smoke. Yes. What do you want? I was wondering if you could help us solve a riddle over here.

Or if you could go through those bars and then maybe take me to a bar. If you must. What is the sphere wish to know? And sorry, out of character. Is that Werner Herzog? I just need to know. It's a mix. We'll get there. Incidentally, I do character is that Werner Herzog I just need to know it's a mix we'll get there incidentally I do have a killer Werner Herzog it's very Werner adjacent never listen to these tapes let me just get into it never listen to these tapes never listen to this

podcast you know Anthony I'm gonna roll insight to see if I can get anything on that riddle why not all right and my d20 comes up 17 okay so the third line when you have lots of fun you're possessing me you could take the phrase you're possessing me and rephrase it to i'm having a blank blast ball so when you say ball the sphere next to you just starts to like rotate and it goes oh that was it that was it that was it that was it oh oh i feel so good oh thank you so much thank you so much okay so in order to. Okay. So in order to get. I want to kick it. Can I kick it? Yeah. Are you rapping? Yeah.

Sorry, guys. I just. Yes, you can. I need to. Yeah. So he basically, he just gets out of his constraints and then just like head butts. Well, I guess ball butts each of the like little buckles on you and lets you out. So if you want to kick him, just give me an unarmed combat role.

Aaron, I got to say, always a great idea to kick a giant metal ball. 13. 13. 13. Okay, so with 13, you hit it and you break your big toe immediately. So you take a D4 of damage. And it goes like,

oh, what was that for? You killed my buzz. Three. Okay, so yeah, you take three damage directly to your big toe. I have no impulse control. Fair enough.

There are windows on the left and right of this room, but they are closed. And now that you're up and you can turn your head around, you can see that behind you is a very large hatch that also appears to be closed. And directly in front of you, through that gate for which you saw the weird disease thing in that human-shaped bag, there's a door with a little lock in it. And on the other side is a guard who is facing away from you. You can see a cartoonishly large ring dangling from his cartoonishly large belt. Okay, I see what's going on here.

There's a hatch in the room with us. There's a smoke monster. All right, Anthony, we get it. This is all Breaking Bad references. Oh, yeah. Can we see the windows, or are they covered in that substance? You can see the windows.

If you want to, you can just go and open them. Gotcha. I do just that. I unshackle myself from the chair, and I go over and open up the windows and peek my head out as the good doctor begins to do that granny zuko is just tidying up the room a little bit so when you open up the window all you see is clouds and sky and as your vision adjusts to what you're looking at you can see the peaks of mountaintops and you begin to realize that whatever you're in is flying well Well, I can get out of here

whenever I want, but, uh... I didn't think of that. Shit. Um, I don't know. Are you strong enough to carry us or fly us out of here?

Uh, no. I'm very, very weak. I have avian bones. We just call them bones, but for your kind, I'll call them avian. And, uh, you know what?

I'm gonna stick around just because you two have piqued my interest. Well, I certainly appreciate the company. So the adjoining room, the guard turns around and sees you all there. And he's like, hey, get back in your chairs. Don't be dicks. Come on.

Don't make me come in there. Great. Dr. Peter Wingspan whispers to Granny Zuko and says, act like you know him. Act like you went to school together or something. Jeremy. Oh, it's my big, strong Jeremy! Pretty bold to guess a name, but okay. Yeah, that's very bold.

Give me a deception check with disadvantage. All right. I was going to say, like, big guy or something. I'll gladly roll this deception at disadvantage. I rolled a five both times. Okay. You have a one in eight trillion chance of getting his name right. He goes, spelled how?

Oh, spelled H-U-G. Come on in here, Jeremy. Oh, my big strong boy. That's the best fucking answer. She goes to hug him. So as you come to hug him, he like shakes his head like, oh, I don't know about this.

And then as that happens, you see behind him that the weird green smoke thing inside of the human shaped suit, it takes a little like sliver of metal and it stabs into where the neck would be if it were an actual person and like opens up the bag that's containing its essence. And then the smoke just escapes from it and goes into one of the guards next to it. And then another part of the smoke goes to another guard and another part of the smoke

goes into the of the guards next to it. And then another part of the smoke goes to another guard and another part of the smoke goes into the other guard. Before you stands a number of human guards whose sole purpose is to serve a faceless, heartless machine which imprisons men. I push one against the goopy substance of the walls. The other I grab from behind and whisper in his ear. Today is not your lucky day, motherfucker. Holy shit, this is good. I turn to you three in the back and I say, you fools.

Lime McCroy is suddenly eating popcorn all of a sudden, staring at him. I require your assistance to overpower these human guards. One of the guards, the one that was talking to you, Jeremy, the key on his back, he's been pushed up against the wall by another one of the guards, and you can reach it if you want to. Lime, LaCroix will limp over there and try to reach it. So because he's restrained, basically, you just automatically grab it. And yeah, if you want to open up the gate,

you can do so easily. But at that point, you'll have access to the three other guards and the virus thing. I have pinned them to the walls, opened the windows, and throw these men to their doom. I'm going to open it. Yes. Okay, great. So the only guard that seems to be remaining, and I said there were three guards, weren't

they? I lied. There were four guards. Three of them seem to be possessed by this weird virus creature thing and seems to be able to control them to some limited extent. The only one that is completely under his own volition is Jeremy. So this door opens, you don't have access to all of them. What do you want to do? So we don't have any weapons on us either, correct? We're unarmed. Correct. Do the guards have weapons? Yeah, the guards all have swords, like little shitty swords. Actually, roll me

perception. Sure. Little shitty swords? You mean knives? Little shitty swords. My perception is a non-natural 20. Oh, okay. So you can tell that those swords are made of bone. perception is a non-natural 20. Ooh, okay. So you can tell that those swords are made of bone. And with a non-natural 20, even though it's non-natural, it's high enough for you to realize that a lot of the scaffolding of this room, what you assumed was just the stuff that's keeping the room up, that also seems to be made of bone. Oh.

I've got chills and they're multiplying. Oh, shit, he's losing control. I was wondering when that was going to happen. You should act like you know them, too. Know the bones? I hate the bones! Listen, they're multiplying. Oh, shit, he's losing control. I was wondering when that was going to happen. You should act like you know them, too. Know the bones? I hate the bones! So if this guard is still restrained, can I go for his bone sword?

Like, try to take the bone sword away from him? Yeah, give me a sleight of hand with advantage. Oh, boy. That is a 18. Okay, so yeah, you easily take the bone sword away from him as he is pinned I grab the bone sword and then I kind of have a breakout moment Because old Granny Zuko is not one for violence She's a cleric of the Lord And I end the sword over to Lime LaCroix

You take this Yes, yes And then she uses it to take some butter off and put some more butter on her popcorn. You butter your popcorn in pats of butter? Yeah, one popcorn at a time. That's what you're in prison for. That's the crime.

Oh, you're a sociopath. For clarification, Freddie, we are from Chicago, which is in the Midwest, which is where you put butter on everything. Oh, have you ever had deep popcorn? Oh, deep popcorn, the best. The best way that I can describe it is, I think in most places you have pancakes

with the little tiny thing of butter on top of the pancakes. We just reverse it. We do a tiny little pancake on a big thing of butter. That sounds so good right now. As I understand it, Chicago is a place where you get to have one barbecue on the one day of the year that it's not either insanely hot and humid or snowing and it's 10 foot deep out there. Oh, Chicago sucks. It's pretty bad.

Okay, so this guard is restrained. He's weaponless. Take the sword and end the lives of these vermin. Well, now hold on now. First of all, let's just check in with Jeremy. Now, Jeremy, we obviously have you kind of in a compromising position.

If you reform and you devote your life to the Lord and you renounce your evil ways of being some sort of prison guard, we will let you live and come along with us. Oh, I love the Lord. Oh, I'm so psyched about the Lord.

He's my favorite. Now, Smoke Monster, Jeremy is now protected by the Lord. Oh, I'm so psyched about the Lord. He's my favorite. Now, Smoke Monster, Jeremy is now protected by the Lord, and so it's our duty to let these men go, and they're going to assist us and help us. I feel like I'm going to, like, continue to fuck with these other guards and try and possess them

and push the ones that I can out the window. You have the power to basically, whatever you want to, just kill somebody with your virus power. So if you want to to you could just make them choke to death on their own blood okay i'm gonna infect one of them to open up the window and throw himself out okay give me a d20 roll that's a five anthony so he gets up to the window and he like holds his hands out yeah he holds his hands out and grabs onto the window and he's about to push himself out but then all of a sudden his arms like he like locks his elbows it was like and it's like fighting with himself to

make sure he doesn't get thrown out of the window. Alright. Do it. End this guard, or convert him as well. I don't care. Mercy is for the weak. This is not the first time I've had a crash on a virus, and I am falling horde. Uh-oh. And Dr. Peter Wingspan attempts to intervene

to talk to the guard who was about to jump out the window but stopped himself, and I'm going to try and verbally convince him to jump out the window. Okay. What do you say? Hey, friend, yeah, you know it must be hard working as your guard in this shop.

That should do it. That should do it. Jeremy? Jeremy. Roll persuasion. That's a natural 20. Natural 20. That's a natural 20.

I know. So with a natural 20, both 20. Natural 20. I know. So with a natural 20, both he and the other two guards are like, well, that's enough of that. And they just jump out of the nearest window. That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. Yeah, the only ones left is Jeremy. Before they throw themselves out the windows, you see the green virus mist leave their bodies and sort of coalesce back into one large cloud. Yes, I'm still here, shit. Didn't think I would go that easy, huh?

What's your name, Mr. Virus? They call me Plague. For I am a pestilence that spreads across the land, bringing death and despair to all that I encounter. Now, I don't want to be rude, but just for clarity's sake, are we going to get sick by being in your presence? But just for clarity's sake, are we going to get sick by being in your presence? I can assure you now I have the ability to infect any who I choose.

And you guys seem pretty chill. And are those assurances just verbal or do you have any sort of documentation? I show both of my hands and none of my fingers are crossed. That does it for me, man. I'm his wife. Can I offer you a hard candy? Oh, yes. It's a manner of weathers. It's a dwarthers. It's dwarven warthers.

It's cheaper, but it's still good. And also, Plague, she's been asking everybody this. Is it your birthday? If so, she's got five gold coins for you. I do. I have five gold coins for whoever's birthday it is. Jeremy, I know your birthday, so don't try to fool me. Jeremy's like, it's my birthday.

It's definitely my birthday. No, no, no. Aw. But in a sense, like, I'm your birthday, so don't try to fool me. Jeremy's like, it's my birthday. It's definitely my birthday. No, no, no. Aw. But in a sense, like, I'm newborn, right? Because of the Christ thing. So, like, it's kind of my birthday. Give him $5. I'll give him $5 because he's trying to con the church. And that's worth $5 to anyone.

Lime hands plague a little piece of paper, like, written in a gel pen that says, Will you be my boyfriend? And then a box for yes and no. It comes back, check, yes. And you can't tell, but the formless mist appears to wink. You can see into the next room, there's a very large person-sized black box with completely opaque sides. You can't see into it at all. There is a very large guard standing next to that box in the next room. There are three trap doors in that room. And in that room, there's also a translucent cage that glows with a blue energy. And inside of it is a rabbit

made out of dust. This door that's leading to the next area, is it locked? And can we use Jeremy's keys on that door? The answer is yes to both. Okay. Granny Zuko says, now everyone, let's make our way through the next section. I'm particularly interested in that black box and that tiny little rabbit. And she unlocks the door. She gets it wrong a couple of times. I've done this before. Hold on. No,

no, no. Sometimes my nephew has to help me unlock this. I have to call him, but he's not here. I can do it. I can do it. I've tried this one. Granny, while you're doing that, tell us about the war. Which one? I've been around for a lot of that. Here we go. Unlocked. Okay, so as you enter the next room, you can see there's a very subtle, like, seam running along the middle of one of the faces of this big old black box.

And the very large guard that is standing in front of it turns to look at you guys and goes like, and then just goes back to sort of crossing his arms and just sort of standing there like a sentinel. And again, there are three trap doors

in front of you and the rabbit made of dust in the cell at the back of the room can now see you. The dust bunny, if you will. The moment they come in, I'm not looking at them,

but I start thumping my foot. Very cute. Kind of like Bambi style. I'm just thumping my foot. Pretty excited. Now I do have to intervene. JPCc do you see what's going on here because i'm noticing a few little hints that i'm picking up on and i'm curious if you see what's going on here if you jpc the human being behind the character oh yeah you realize we're playing con air put the bunny in the box we have a virus we have a bunny that would be my attempt have a virus. We have a bunny.

That would be my attempt at a Malkovich impression that got morphed into Herzog, but we'll just keep going. We'll just keep moving on that. Don't worry about it. Don't think about it too hard. This is a dream come true for JPC. It's not even, it's not even, it's a diamond bunny, diamond dog.

Yeah, okay. I just can't wait to see when Cole Meany shows up. My favorite thing about that movie, watching it again recently, is how they're like, here's a guy who's like a horrible rapist. Here's the guy who murdered a bunch of people. And here's Ving Rhames. He's black and he doesn't like the NRA. And it's like, I'm rooting for that guy. Hey, I don't know. It's a pretty accurate indictment of our penal system.

Here's the worst of the worst criminals and 90% of people who had a little bit of weed. Dr. Peter Wingspan goes over to the trap doors to see if he can kind of peek within or see if there's any warning signs in terms of if there's an actual trap connected to the trap door. Yeah. So as you get close to the trap doors, you can hear a bubbling from beneath them, not from any particular one, but you can hear some bubbling. And the big guard who sees you coming up to the trap doors goes like, oh, your stuff is under one of those, but not the other two. The other two will hurt you. Sorry, friend. When you say stuff, do you mean?

Your equipment, whatever you had when they arrested you, the stuff that they'll give back to you if they ever let you out of prison, which they won't. But if you want to get your weapons and stuff back, it's under one of those. Oh, great. This has been very helpful, guard. I only have one job. It's to keep people out of the black box. That's all I'm going to do. I don't give a shit if you kill everybody else on this frigging thing.

Do you care what happens to the bunny? Yeah, what now? What's going on with the bunny? Are you protecting the bunny? Because its eyes are really big and I really want to eat it. No, I don't give a shit about the bunny. You know, I'm right here. You can talk to me when I turn around.

That bunny talks. I cast sleep on the guard. Okay, does it work? It fizzles out. Oh, well, that wasn't as impressive as I was hoping it would be. Hi. Specifically, when you try to cast it, you can see the blue shimmer on the cell surrounding you. It gets like

really bright for a second and then just like smoke comes out of your hand. Well, we'll have to solve that. Bunny, full disclosure, I want to eat you. You're too big. I got no impulse control. I kicked a ball earlier, broke my toe. It's bleeding and I want to eat you. I want to eat you too. I want to eat all of you. Oh yeah, Pinball's ball earlier, broke my toe. It's bleeding. And I want to eat you. I want to eat you, too.

Ugh. I want to eat all of you. Oh, yeah. Pinball's dead now, by the way. Pinball's back there. He bled to death. He's dead now. He's not in the story anymore.

Did I kill him? You killed him. There's a sliding claw, and I can't go up it. Come on. Come on. Now, Mr. Bunny, I see that you tried to cast a spell, which fizzled inside of your cell. I didn't want it to work. It would have worked just fine. Oh, yeah. It worked fine. I didn't want it to work. It would have worked just fine.

Oh, yeah. It worked fine. You don't know what it did. It worked fine. Classic excuse. I've been there, yeah. I've done excuses before as well. My name's Granny Zuko.

I'm a nice, kindly person, and I will absolutely let you out of the cell, because I believe that no one deserves to be imprisoned. But do you promise that you'll play nice with our unlikely gang here? Absolutely. I'd love to get out of the cell. I'm Thumper, by the way. Bunny just said he wanted to eat me too, though. Well, I mean, that was in response to you saying you want.

I'm just, I thought that's a greeting of your people. That's all. Oh, okay. I would love to eat all of you. Hi, I'm Thumper. I'd like to eat you and you and you. Granny Zuko unlocks the cell, assuming the keys work, that Thumper is kept in, and then lets Thumper out. The moment Thumper comes

out, I want to stomp on the guard's head. Okay, roll an attack. A 14. You try to stomp on his head. He dodges out of the way far more dexterously than you'd expect from a guy as big as him, and he just decks you right in your dust bunny mouth. Ow! Guys,

get him. He's a guard. What are you doing? Well, I just watched him beat the shit out of you, so I'm certainly not going to get him. So Lime LaCroix, I think she's going to try to cast a spell to try to... Don't do sleep. Just distract the guard or knock him out or something. Okay.

What spell would you use? I'll do charm person. Okay. And Aaron, you also have to say one line, any line from the TV show Charmed. Genie? Is it genies or what is Charmed? Which one was Charmed?

Witches? Witches. That's it, yeah? Okay. I'm sure they say witches on it. I'm sure they do. From the Emmy award winning episode. Actually, famously, on the last day of the set, they said, which one is Charmed?

So you nailed it immediately. 12 seasons and we never pluralized it. We only ever said which. So he failed his save. So immediately he looks at you and starts blushing. Hi, I'm Lime McCry. How are you? I'm fine.

Excellent. Hey, how about we, this is a crazy idea and so weird. Like totally weird, but like so fun. Can you like let us in? Oh, I don't know about that. So Charm makes you a friendly acquaintance of his, I believe. So he's like, like, you guys seem pretty nice, but I don't know. It's like my one job.

You don't you don't want to go in there anyway. There's nothing good in there. I promise. Like the stuff you really want is under one of those three trap doors. I have a whole little puzzle about that if you want. If not, no big deal. You can also just keep going up to the front of the vehicle if you want. Just leave me be.

Tell me the puzzle, stud. Okay, okay. Everyone's just aggressively just hitting on this guy now. He says, okay, so two of those doors lead to your stuff. And one of them leads to something bad. So you can point at one of those three doors and you could ask me a single yes or no question about anything. If the door that you're pointing to is the one that leads to your stuff, then I tell the truth no matter what the question is. If the door that you're pointing to leads to

something bad, then I'm going to either lie or tell the truth randomly to whatever your question is. So with all that stuff, you should be able to figure out which one has your stuff behind it. This is a blast. Hey guys, I've been in this room the whole time and I couldn't help but see how poorly you did on that previous puzzle.

I could just tell you which one it's under. Where's the fun in that? No, no, we have to earn it. We have to earn it. Okay, it's the left one, but okay. I'm going to point at the first door and say, is there stuff under there? You point at one of the doors and ask if it's behind that door that you're pointing at. One, two, or three.

One. So he goes, are you sure that's the question you want to ask? Are you sure it's these? Because you only get the one. Wait, wait, wait. The group of us only gets one question or we each only get one question? No, don't answer that because, Granny, that's a question. It wasn't yes or no.

It's okay. It's no. The group of you gets one yes or no question. Okay, okay't answer that, because Granny, that's a question. It wasn't yes or no. It's okay. It's no. The group of you gets one yes or no question. Okay, okay. Which of us would you fuck? Well, only one of you charmed me, so I feel like it's gotta be that one, right? Good enough for me. Out the window I go.

Bye-bye! He'll be back. Sweet night sky kissing on my feathers. No, let this play out Just like a quick little interim Of the eagle flying through the night sky I'm not an eagle, I'm a falcon And specifically, I'm a falcon artist

Oh, that's good Okay, so what are the So now I'd just like to throw this out Because this is a very complicated situation Obviously two of these doors Will lead to our stuff And one these doors will lead to our stuff, and one of them will lead to something very bad. Now, as I mentioned, I am a cleric of the Lord.

I do have a spell called Zone of Truth, and if we cast the spell on this sentinel, the sentinel will not be able to lie to us. It seems like a, how do I want to put this, a D&D-esque workaround to solving this puzzle. If anyone wants to use the shortcut, I'll just be over here with a shortcut. Well, Granny, I'd argue that we have a riddle podcast, and we will be humiliating ourselves if we don't participate in the puzzle.

Yes. Clint McElroy, I mean, Granny, I would argue with you that it's not worth our time to use Zone of Truth. We should try and solve the riddle. All right, all right. And just to be clear, the bunny also did say it's the one on the left. But the bunny could be lying. We could put the bunny in the Zone of Truth, too. It's a big Zone of Truth.

I just want to, I'm just throwing it out. Here's a mini riddle. If there's three doors and he says the one on the left, that could be either of two doors. Oh, that's true, yes. Oh. It's about perspective. So, friend, you said we can point at any door and ask you a question, and if it's our stuff, you have to tell

the truth, and if it's not our stuff, you can lie. Was that the situation? Or tell the truth. I'm going to tell the truth or lie randomly if it's the one bad door, but if it's the true door, whatever your question is, I'll tell the truth. And remember, your question doesn't have to be, is it behind the door I'm pointing at? The question could be anything.

So I believe what we do is we point at one door. The middle one? Well, it doesn't matter which. We point at one door and ask if the other two doors have the dangerous thing in them. Wait, is that how that works? Hold on. I should have watched Labyrinth.

It's very close. I don't think you want to do both of the other ones. Yes, yes. It's very close. Can we roll to remember the to do both of the other ones. Yes, yes. It's very close. Can we roll to remember the answer? Yeah, go ahead and roll Insight, and I'll give you a more specific hint. Natural one. Oh, I rolled a natural 20.

From Prince to Popper. Okay, so that cancels itself out, so it's like you didn't roll at all. That cancels it out. So, Erin, you got to roll for us and hope that you get our insight. 16. Hell yeah. So with the 16, you realize that you basically got it. The only minor difference

to the answer is you point at one door and you ask about one other door. Oh, okay. Yes, yes. Let's do that. And the bunny said left,

so let's point at the left door and then ask if the door in the middle is the door that has our stuff. Okay.

So he says, yes. Okay, all right. What do we do now? Is the door... has our stuff. Okay. So he says, yes. Okay, all right. What are we doing now? Is the door... Okay, Dr. Birdfeathers, go ahead and pop open that middle door. That's the one we want. Okay, I trust you.

Let's go ahead and crack this baby open. And Dr. Peter Wigginspan grasps the middle door with his talons and tries to open it. Hey, I'm not dating anyone or married, but go up to the most beautiful woman you see and tell her I loved her. Why is he talking to the smoke man of the buddy? Oh, because there are two new friends. Oh, okay. And we're just here, I guess.

Your old friend. Okay, so if you wanted to open the middle door, right? Yes. Okay, so yes, your stuff is down there. The moment they open the middle door, the bunny goes, wrong door. And I'm going to attack. door and i'm going to attack okay i'm going to attack with my claws which of the three will you attack the bird who was seeming

to eye me because i look like a rabbit i'm assuming is what that was i love that i've said my name 42 times and every person's like a fucking bird guy dr peter wingspan oh i got it thank you thank you freddy's got it fucking teacher's pet. Feathers McGee. What? We're all saying the same thing. Feathers McGee. A 13. My AC is 14, so no thanks.

Oh, I tripped. I tripped. That's okay. I'll help you up. It's fine. Brush yourself up. I'm a cleric. If you need any healing, I know that I punched you in the head.

Sorry about that. No, it's okay. Oh, it was the right door, it looked like. I said wrong door, but it was clearly that you picked the right door. Good door. Well, hold on. Right is a homonym. Which right do you mean, friend?

I meant you picked the middle door, right? You're still playing that game. It feels like the Phantom Tollbooth for some reason. You're dealing with homonyms, my man. Well, I think you should go get your stuff, and I'll just stay up here. Homonyms? I haven't prepared a service, but let's just launch into it. So the reading from Corinthian can kind of mean a lot of things, I guess.

It's more about respecting our neighbors and always helping a bunny when they fall against a bird. Fantastic. So y'all get your stuff. The door to the next room, the wall there is completely opaque. You can't see what's in there until you go in. And the person with the box is still here, correct? Yep, he's still there. Sir, just so I might ask, your name doesn't happen to be Jeremy, is it?

How did you know? It's just I have a knack for these things. The box that you're protecting, no one is allowed into it, is that right? Correct. Are we allowed to put anything inside of the box? No. So we can't put the bunny back in the box? Well, there's a separate box. There's a separate box? there's the box that he came out of and then there's the black

box i'm guarding do you want us to put the bunny back in the box i mean considering you just tried to kill you it might have been cast sleep this time which i'm assuming i can because i'm no longer in the thing yeah okay i cast sleep he saves and then immediately steps back to life he goes it's not gonna be that easy buddy i'm gonna step in and assist fuck you and try and infect and possess said guard. Okay. If I were to define irony, it'd be a bunch of idiots on a plane and a bunny can't make a single goddamn roll.

17. Oh, wow. Okay. So yeah, you've definitely infected him. I'm going to stagger him away from the door. He's fighting as hard as he can, but his roll was so bad that you pretty much easily walk him away from the door. And I kind of puppeteer his mouth with, you know, my molecular powers and I say, open the door.

Does it need a key? No. Oh, well, don't mind if I do. As you put your hand on the door to the black box, you can feel this like rhythmic thumping. People are having sex in there. Best to let it alone. It's a party.

As you push it all the way open, you see that inside of this thing is a massive red beating heart and is connected to the roof and the floor beneath you and seems to be pumping blood all throughout whatever the hell this thing that you're inside of is. I knew it was blood because it tasted like blood when I ate it. Lime, I don't mean to put you in this predicament,

but so far you've charmed two of the people on board. Do you want to try and win over this heart? I don't know. It looks a little broken. Girl, you can fix him. Girl, you got this. Do we know if it's good or bad? If the heart is good or bad?

Yeah. I can cast Detect Evil to see if this heart is good or bad. Ooh, go for it. Detect Evil and Good. It's a first-level spell. I think it goes in a 30-foot radius as well. So I cast that.

You don't just cast on the heart. You feel the answer to that question from entirely around you and you, and you realize through casting. Oh yeah. Let's go down the list. Oh yeah. I guess you can tell on everybody. Yeah. That's everybody. You can tell that the guards and the heart and the creature to which the heart belongs are lawful good, but good is in quotation marks. Uh, good meaning like sarcastically good. Yeah. Sarcastically good or like... Here's a donation for the poor. You know how when somebody says they're pro-law and order, what that actually means? They're like that kind of good.

I describe myself to people as a good golfer, but I haven't played in 40 years. So you can tell that the heart and the building to which the heart is supplying blood, this entire vessel that you're in is a creature and this is that creature's heart and that it is way morally black and white

on what it believes to be good. You guys, let's go find the butt. There's a heart. There's gotta be a butt. Can we go find the butt? Please, can we find the butt? You know what they say? The butt wants what it wants.

What about everyone else that I'm with? Thumper and Plague. Thumper is the strongest sense of chaotic evil you've ever felt, like an emphasis on chaotic and plague is neutral evil sarcastic evil yeah is there a way for granny to check her own heart to see if the lord has entered it that's a deep insight roll i would assume yeah i feel like you roll insight and if you roll well then you'll know the truth okay and it's worth it for me i rolled a one i've never done a shred of introspection, and I never will.

I gather as sneakily as possible Dr. Wingspan and Lime LaCroix together. Just so you know. I lean in. Okay. How's the team doing? You come in here too, Thumper. Thumper's evil. Oh, no!

Whatever creature we're inside, that's its heart. And you two seem like you're pretty on the level, but these other two, they might be a kind of evil. While they're having their little powwow, Plague is going to try and control the guard to draw his bone sword and stab the heart of the dragon. Oh, okay. Give me a roll.

Come on, give me something. Ah, 12. That's not going to be enough. He puts his hand on something. Ah, 12. That's not gonna be enough. He puts his hand on the bone sword, but then, like, stops and grabs it with his other hand, and he's like Dr. Strangelove trying to stop himself from handling Hitler, and he's just frozen in that pose like, no! The heart,

it'll all go down if the heart is pierced. Also keep him quiet so that no one will notice this sneaky thing I'm doing. Alright, so he just makes no noise as he just, is just pushing to keep the sword back in his You just hear nondescript grunting from the corner. I trust you two. It seems like we're all on the level.

What do you think that we should do? Well, one, I just want to say real quick, and I've known this the whole time. We're inside a dragon. Obviously, I just want to say that. Dragon will kill you. Adel, you get inspiration. Oh, I just had an idea for a book. Anyway, I just want to say that if we stab this heart, squawk, squawk, squawk,

if we stab this heart, then we're going to go plummeting down to the earth. When I say we, I mean, of course, the two of you, not me. Of course, I have wings and I'm a falcon. I can fly away. I say that we see if we can get close enough to the head of this dragon that it can hear us from inside of its own head, and we can talk to it to see what to do or what it wants. Well, here's the thing.

We all broke the law, right? Yes. What did you do, McFeathers? McFeathers? He is not answering to McFeathers. Sorry. I truly didn't realize you were talking to me. What did I do to get incarcerated?

Mm-hmm. Well, I forged a birth certificate. And Granny. Oh, hold on. You were dry grazing? Oh, go ahead. Let me be a little birth certificate. And granny. Hold on. You were dry grazing? Oh, go ahead. Let me be a little more specific. Squawk, squawk.

There was a troll who was born on June 15th, 19,000, and I decided to change it to June 21st, 19,001, just so he could be a little bit younger in the eyes of his beau. Hmm. It doesn't seem like totally worth it. I was sure that was going for fantasy Kenya. I was certain that's where that was going. I'm a truther, you see.

A bird truther. And you realize that this dragon has chemtrails, right? The secret chemtrail check in the back. Do we want to risk going up there? Because it feels like we're criminals. Well, hold on. And we're just going to get the law landing on top of our heads if we go all the way up there.

It's very convenient that we never heard what you're in for, Squack. Me? Yeah, yeah. Squack, Squack. Oh, I just can't follow any simple instructions. Oh, okay. Lime LaCroix. And I make a point of saying her full name, Lime LaCroix.

Okay. Well, that seemed a little sarcastic. Well, no. I'm good. I'm a good person. All I'm saying is if we stab it in the heart right now, it would make for a really beautiful poem later. Look, look.

Stabbing someone from the heart from the inside? Beautiful. If we stab it in the heart from the inside, we'll all plummet out of the sky. And while our good friend Dr. Feathersby over here can certainly take that plummet, the rest of us, me being a woman of a certain age, would probably fare not so well. So you like me enough to take my voice but not remember my name?

Fuck you. So I'll just shut this door. Here we go. The door is now shut. Oh, I'm right there, though, aren't I? Yes, both of the evil NPCs are right by the door. So as you shut the door, what do you two ding-dongs do? I try to attack the heart.

Okay. I'll let Matt go first, but I think I'm going to try and throw the guy in so that he's in there with the heart and, you know, go for another stab.

Okay. Give me a D20 roll, Matt. You bastards didn't even say hello to me. You didn't even ask what I'm in here for. What are you in here for? Now that you ask.

I ate a bunch of goblins. That's about it. But one goblin, I wore his head and crossed three kingdoms. Fucking weird. As a hat. I messed that quote up.

All right, I'm rolling. That's got to smell awful. A natural one. Okay. We are not getting any. All right, then I'm going to go for mine. Fucking eight. I hug the heart and I start crying as I realize all my life has been for nothing.

Yeah, so you two chose just sort of pretty much stay where you are, having accomplished nothing. All right, boys. If you're done standing around here, by the way, this place is a mess. You could have at least spruced up a little bit while we were having our little discussion. We should probably advance a little further on into this beast and try to find the brain. Here we go. Come on, Larry Bird.

Let's do this. further on into this beast and try to find the brain. Here we go. Come on, Larry Bird. Let's do this. Yes, I grab one of Thumper's paws and one of Plague's smoke hands and try to lead them along with us. Ooh, good luck.

The moment he grabs my paws, I look up at this old lady showing me the first moment of kindness I've felt in my entire life. And I just follow. Great. Would you like a Dwarvers? I don't know what that is, but yeah, I think I do.

All right. Well, no one knows what they are. It's a Dwarven secret recipe. I'm sorry, team. We have to take a quick break so I can write a children's book about the two of you. What a sweet friendship. An unlikely one. That's beautiful.

Is a Dwarvers like a Worven's original? I would never have a. That's beautiful. Is a Dwarver's like a Worven's original? I would never have a Worven's original. You take a buttload of acid damage as soon as you get a Worven's original. Do you have any nips? Those are the other caramel hard candies that really exist. I have nips, fucker. Can you milk me? Oh, fuck.

Never mind. Alright, we gotta start the recording and dr peter jumps out the window bye-bye the next room you can see two this is gonna be a weird fucking pull but the lobby to the men in black building it's like that thing where it's like this really really big ass fucking room what an obscure movie you referenced. I know. I literally just like.

How could anybody possibly remember that room? It just occurred to me. It's like a really good shot. I don't know. But you see these two massive bags of what seemed to be air that get really, really small and then get really, really big. And there's a big hole in the top of the room that air rushes into and then out of. And then the center of the room. Well, it looks like we're in the brain.

In the center of the room, it looks like we're in the brain in the center of the room. There is a sword. And when all the air rushes out of the room, it is just a normal ass sword. Once the air rushes in, it catches fire and becomes a flaming sword again. And on the other side of the room is just the door. And you can already just from being close to it, smell something that kind of smells like bad breath when the air is in the room is coming from the other door. So you can feel like you're nearing the front of the dragon. Anthony, with the doors and the windows, is it like the viscera and organ meat has been made into a door or is it like a wooden or metal door has been sort of screwed in? They've been like screwed in. It's like those cows who have those like fistulated like things on them. They've basically been like manufactured and put inside. I didn't

know three of those words, cow. But yeah, they're human-made, manufactured, so presumably this dragon, either willingly or unwillingly, was made into a prison bus, essentially. So it's like the cat bus in My Neighbor Totoro. Totoro, yeah, it's exactly that. Had some aftermarket mods. Unrelated, Granny, Doctor,

this is my dream kitchen. This is insane that I'm seeing this. This is absolutely my dream kitchen. Try to take a mental note so when we get home, you can help me, okay? Help you what? Help you find, like, millions of dollars? Look at the square footage in this place. Oh, come on.

I don't mean the size. I just mean the ambiance and the vibe. Oh, okay. The doctor gets it. He'll help me. What is this, a Nicole Kidman HBO TV series? Come on. Nobody can afford this kitchen.

It's a Nancy Meyers kitchen. I'd like to argue that Nicole Kidman HBO TV series? Come on. Nobody can afford this kitchen. It's a Nancy Meyers kitchen. I'd like to argue that Nicole Kidman could. When I see Nicole Kidman in that kitchen, I think, yeah, that's her kitchen. Check she out. When you say the air rushes out, like, is it hard to breathe in the room? Or it looks like this is maybe just a device that is, like, powering, like, maybe some flame breath or something like that. You're not going to have to, like, roll to see if you can, like like not pass out or anything like that because it's a brief enough span of time like basically you just tell this is the dragon's lungs and he's breathing and when it breathes outward

this room is basically devoid of oxygen for you know three or four seconds until it breathes back in again okay can i roll insight to try and see if anybody can help me remember which limp biscuit song starts with breathe in in, breathe out. Yeah, why not? Okay, that's a three plus, three is six. Anyone? Oh, I rolled a three. I do not remember.

Yeah, choose that. You'll never know. Sorry. Okay, great. Thank you. We should probably grab that sword because if we don't possess it, one of these two knuckleheads will, and we're going to have to fight against it. So I'd feel more comfortable if one of us had that in our possession. All right.

Now, just so everyone knows, I don't want to go grab that sword because Granny Zuko doesn't like dealing with weapons. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're wearing a leather jacket. You look like a street tough. It says T-Birds on the back. You don't deal with weapons? No.

The most I ever do is I get on all fours behind someone and have one of my friends push them over, and then they just fall over me. It's called picnic tabling someone. Friend, I'm so sorry to say, you think your jacket says T-Birds? Lady, the B fell off years ago. It says turds. Hey, the B always falls off once we get up there in age. One day the B will fall off you as well.

This might be the popcorn talking, but I think I have a plan. Yeah, let's hear it, Lime. Yeah, please. So I have a gust spell. So I can buy us, I think, maybe more time, and I can, when the fire starts on the sword, I can make the fire go out again so we have more time to grab the sword. That's cool. Oh, okay.

I like the sound of that. June, July, August, September. And we can edit things out of the podcast, right? Okay. So what I'm going to do is, so this is a little, little weird audio puzzle. So in order to grab the sword, when it's not on fire, what I'm going to do is I'm going to basically have a stopwatch on my end and I'm going to count to three. I'm going to go one, two, three on one second per count. Exactly.. And I'm going to stop counting. And when you think exactly 12 seconds have elapsed, one of you is going to say now, and that'll be your character reaching out to try to

grab it. Now, because you did the Gus spell, you have a full second on either side of 12 seconds. So if you get it 11 or 13, it'll still count and you'll grab it. Sort of like red light, green light. Yeah. When we say now is when you'll clock us. Exactly. Okay, cool. Right. Who wants to grab it? Well, do we all get a chance or can only one of us say now?

You can do it as many times as you want to. It's just if you fail, you have to do a dexterity check to see if you get burned or not. Now, when we say now, can we do Billy Madison rules? So if we say now, that's what I call music volume 20, that doesn't count as our turn. And then we could say now, like in the future as well.

If you do it now, that's what I call music 20. And then you can correctly guess one song that was on that very specific volume of now, that's what I call music. You'll just automatically get it. That's a trick question because they put Smash Mouths All-Star in every volume. That is what I call music.

Okay. Since I have the inspiration, why don't I give it the first shot? Please, yes. Dr. Peter rubs his feathers together, his wings, to try and get all the moisture off and kind of get ready and prepped. Whenever you're ready. One, two, three. Did anyone else have lunch or forget to have lunch?

Because I know that there was a cart. They were pushing. What's happening? Okay. So that was 10.89 seconds. You were so close. So close. But somehow I didn't get it.

Somehow I fucked up. Granny, do you want some popcorn that's been individually buttered? Oh, thank you. You're such a dear. What a sweetie. Give me a dexterity saving throw. That'll be a 16 plus 5. Obviously, a 21.

Oh, great. Okay, so you only take a D4 of burn damage as you leap away then. Granny, I just think it's so cute that you haven't let go of that little bunny's hand yet. You two are so cute together. I didn't even notice it. I might never let go. Grandma, if you're going to do it, let me put my hand in there. I don't want you to hurt your hand.

Okay, buddy. Thank you so much. Thumper's going to go for me. Okay. One, two, three. 526,600 minutes. How dare you solve a puzzle on a ship with dragons? You got at 12 seconds, 0.03.

So you got it. You successfully managed to grab the sword without it being on fire and took away agency from our three guests. You did such a good, good job, Matthew. I'm glad I didn't have to do it. Good job there, thumper. Am I good now? You said I was evil, had am i good now you said i was evil but am i good now well i could

use detect evil and good but do i really want to blow another fucking level one spell on a why why not i'll guess detect evil and good uh one more time and see if uh if thumper has changed at all i feel like you get decide if you've changed or not matt i don't know if somebody being nice to you suddenly makes you a good person. And then you tell me, depending on the answer, I was going to try to stab Grandma Zuka. Okay, but yeah, you're definitely still evil. You're just an evil person who got shown a small amount of kindness, but you're still inherently selfish and sadistic.

Yeah, okay. The only difference is I'll probably feel a little bad about this one. And then I try to stab Grandma Zuka. Okay, go ahead and give me an attack roll. That's not going to be in the children's book. Don't edit my book while I'm writing it. If I want ahead and give me an attack roll. That's not going to be in the children's book. Don't edit my book while I'm writing it. If I want notes, I'll ask for notes.

Also, I just want to specify Granny Zuka was safe because he's trying to stab Grandma Zuka. Who I assume is a Greek woman. She's just hanging out there and immediately gets stabbed and murdered. Anti-Spanakopita. I've got baklava.

I got a 19, unfortunately. Oh, wow, 19. Okay, so, JBC, you're going to take 2d8 plus 2 damage. Real quick, because my AC is 19. Oh, it is? Oh, damn. Can I use my reaction to cast shield? Yeah, absolutely. I would love to just intersperse a big shield

in front of me to block that sword. Okay, great. So this flaming sword comes down and with seemingly no expression on her face, whatever, Granny Zuko waves her hand and the sword suddenly clangs against essentially a force field that has surrounded her body. You've done no damage to her. Oh, whoopsie, Thumper. Looks like you, uh, you better, you're a little too careful with that.

Why don't you let old Granny Zuko hold onto that sword for now? No. Shame on you, you bad little buddy. Hold it tight. Now, now, Thumper. Should a little buddy be holding a sword? Damn. Okay, here.

I give the sword back. Defeated. All right. Granny Zuko walks to the nearest window, pops it open, and tosses the sword out of the plate. All right. Now, no more... No more bad... Dr. Fly and get it.

Fly and get it. Fly and get it. No more bad weapons on board the ship. We don't need any violence. I'll fly and grab the sword if you call me by my full name. And I will get it. And I'm not looking it up. And I will get it. That sword is gone.

No, no, no, no. Dr. Peter— Feathersby. No, don't no. Dr. Peter... Feathersby. No, don't mess me up. Dr. Peter Wings... My name is Hawk Hudson, and I said it a hundred times. Wings fan. Dr. Peter Wingsop was my father, please.

Dr. Peter Buffalo Wild Wings. That sword is long gone. It fell into an orphanage and set it on fire. Oh, well, at least it went to something good. We did good by accident. The orphanage. Plague is going to

take the opportunity to see the lungs and go into the lungs. Okay. Does anyone want to stop him? How? I'm a formless mass. I'm taking over this dragon.

I'm going to. Ooh, okay. Try. Turn him into a liquid or a solid how will you try to stop him gust you win i guess about mass there's not much i can do about that yeah you can't even really roll for that so she's like the path of the the law don't say mass around the cleric as i dissipate i go i believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony, but chaos, hostility, and murder. So yeah, she can do that infinitely if she wants.

It's not going to completely dissipate and destroy you, but she can basically buffet you around as much as she wants forever. I'm going to make him dance. So you are rapping. I want to watch the plague do the entire single ladies dance in real time. It's just full on that wap dance, just like on the floor of the dragon. Just like very seductively, like the split tapping and I'd turn around.

I was like, whoa, didn't think that was possible. Past the lungs, Anthony, there is another door in here, correct? Yes, there's another door. You can smell some, like, halitosis on the other end. Is the door locked? It is, but you've got the keys to everything, so you can open it. All right, everyone. Now stop blowing around and stop thumping about.

Let's move on now, everyone. Use your buddy. Everyone find your buddy. You're holding the bunny. Oh, yes, the buddy's my buddy. Wingspan, do you want to be my buddy? I would love nothing more. And it looks like Plague is infecting a couple of his buddies,

Jeremy and Jeremy, the twins, as I affectionately call them. We love Plague. They're around also, I guess, if you want to use them. Okay, so the next room you can see is just... I don't have to be coy about it anymore. It's the mouth. You're in the mouth. There is a hole in the roof of the mouth

with a ladder leading upward, and you can feel air coming from up there. There's a bunch of teeth lining the rows of the mouth. Inside, because I assumed that things would go differently and that one of you would not be a bird, there were only two parachutes. If one could imagine a sort of moral quandary where there were three of you

and only two of you could have parachutes. And then there's a bed kit there if you had been infected by a virus, which you had not. And there's a big guard there, a dragon-born guard, who's standing there clad in plate mail. And he goes, what are you all doing here? Oh, well, my name's Granny Zuko. We're all convicts, prisoners on this dragon, and we're all looking to escape. Oh, I'm meant to kill you then.

Oh, bother. Oh, what'm meant to kill you then. Oh, bother. Oh, what's your job on the dragon? I'm the pilot, so to speak. It's more of a symbolic job because the dragon flies itself, but I make sure that nobody messes with the inner workings of the dragon. And just then, Lime LaCroix is using, is it called the uvula, the thing in the back of your throat? Yes.

She's doing like a little like boxing. Tickle it, tickle it, tickle it. You can feel the tunnel behind you going like, doing, like, a little, like, boxing. Take a look, take a look, take a look. You can feel the, like, tunnel behind you going, like, and it, like, compresses a little bit. I'm gonna be so strong. Can I try a sneak away? Yeah, give me a stealth roll. That's an 18.

Wow, okay, so, yeah, you managed to gingerly remove your hand from Granny Zuko's hand, and where are you now? I grab a parachute, and I turn to them, I go, I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead. And I just leap out of the dragon. Okay, great. Thank you. Thank you for saving me.

You're welcome, Anthony. Goodbye. Now there's only one parachute left, which is one too few for this group. I'm going to commit more murders and it's going to be on you guys for not solving Anthony's puzzle to kill me. Goodbye.

I missed some bunny. Bunny! Dr. Peter Wingspan is going to put his wings in the air, almost like he's being held up or something, and slowly back to wherever that hole was with the ladder going upwards. Get right underneath that and say to the pilot, well, friend, you got us. We're not going to give you any trouble.

And then he looks at Lime LaCroix and says, gust me, gust me. Uh, gust. And my attempt is to Lime LaCroix and says, gust me. Gust me. Uh, gust. And my attempt is to get a huge gust of wind hitting my wings so I fly upward at such a rapid pace that I can't be stopped. That's very cool. Roll acrobatics with advantage because that's cool. Natural 20.

Wow! So with the natural 20, you get to describe exactly what happens and it's all canon. Lime LaCroix hits me with that gust and as the wind hits Dr. Peter Wingspan, the white on top of his head is hardly noticeable. It almost looks the full reddish brown that it did in his youth, almost even redder and browner and more beautiful and lush. And he can't really smile because he has a beak. But if he could, you see the faint upward curl of a smile. And he puts his wings down at his side and shoots upward almost as if he's

a bank tube in a pneumatic tube being whooshed upwards and as he flies upwards he screams at the top of his lungs his name Dr. Peter Wingspan and enunciates just like that. For the record here's what I heard

standing too close to the gust and also as he goes up he makes eye contact with the pilot and gestures towards his flight risk tattoo yes very good very good i warned you motherfucker and the pilot goes you too and he reveals his collarbone and he has another the artist told me that was an original you manage to shoot your way up and basically you are on, so we'll sort of cut back and forth between you two. You exit on top of the dragon. You are right next to the biggest goddamn eye you have ever

seen and you can see another one across the way. You hear a voice, the same voice that was booming at you at the very beginning of the adventure be like, yo, what the fuck? And then down beneath, inside the mouth, that dragonborn's like oh, criminy, my one fucking job, no. And then he starts to try to climb up after Adol. I sort of bend down next to his sort of lizard ears and try and communicate with him.

Okay. Friend, I just want to let you know that I'm on your side. I'm also a flightful creature. I don't know if that's a proper term. I'm not flightless. I can fly. I should have just said that. Don't have much time.

My name is Dr. Peter Wingspan. Can you say that back to me just so I can confirm that you heard me and I'm not crazy? Dr. Peter Wingman. Close enough. Friend, there are some people inside of you or creatures inside of you that mean you harm. Do you mind taking us down or do you know how to land this thing? Myself? Do I know how to land myself?

Yeah, I think I'm pretty good at landing myself. Go, go, go. I can tell I pissed you off. I didn't mean to do that. Just trying to save your life. That's all I'm doing. Did you know there's a flaming sword? There's not time for this. Buddy, you need to take it down, okay?

Take us down, land, open your mouth, and we're going to get the trouble out of you. I'm not authorized to land for anything other than the Supermax person. Why would I do that? I'm not going to do that. Oh, shit. You work for them. I'm sorry. Well, for anything other than the Supermax person. Why would I do that? I'm not going to do that. Oh, shit. You work for them. I'm sorry.

Well, yeah, they made me do it. I'm not psyched about it, but it's my job, and they'll help me down to kill me. Huh. Well, do you have other skill sets? I can sing. And Dr. Peter Wingman starts to tear up. I can sing. Yeah?

Do you want to do a duet? Yes. I would love nothing more. You picked a song. I can't. Yeah, do you want to do a duet? Yes, I would love nothing more. You get the song. I can't wait to see how this is going to go. I can show you the world. Shining. And as he begins to say shining,

everybody inside the mouth, the entire structure begins to vibrate, and the guy falls off of the ladder and stuff, and everybody gives me actually dexterity saving throws inside the mouth. Oh, God. A two. Six. So both of you, a gust of air as he uses his diaphragm pushes you out the front of his

mouth, and you barely manage to grab on to one of the teeth at the edge of his mouth, dangling in the air. Oh, no. Dr. Peter Wingspan, come and save us. Break your legs, and Granny will heal you later. Break my legs? What. Break your legs and Granny will heal you later. Break my legs? What? Break your legs.

Like, we'll hold on to your legs while you fly and they'll break because of your bones. Yeah, it's not a matter of my legs breaking. I can't carry that much weight. We don't weigh that much. Oh, well, I weigh quite a bit. I'm wearing, like, heavy armor, so that's like 60 pounds right there. I'm not wearing it to take it off. Granny, I'm trying to convince him

to carry us down there. This was a present from my nephew. Wait, there's one more parachute. Yes. I'll use that. But it's back near

the end of the mouth. You'd have to crawl your way back up while this vibration stuff is happening. All right, let's see, what can I do?

Hey, dragon friend, since you're musical, do you happen to know the Limp Bizkit song that starts with breathe in, breathe out?

Or even if it's Limp Bizkit, it might not be. There's a Matt Kearney song called Breathe In, Breathe Out. Matt Kearney, I don't know. Can I try to crawl to the back of the mouth? Give me a dexterity roll. Nine. You sort of begin to climb, but you very quickly find that the tongue is too slick and you begin to slide back toward the teeth. And now your feet are like pressed up against the teeth and your arms aren't even connected to anything. You're just barely getting buffeted up against the teeth by the wind.

I wonder if I can make the dragon cough if the parachute will come forward. Oh, that's cool. I mean, you're punching the shit out of its uvula. I know. I have gust again or firebolt. I'm trying to think, poison spray. Firebolt or poison spray would definitely do it. Firebolt.

Okay. Do you have to roll anything for that? That is a plus six to your roll, Erin. 17. You aim your firebolt perfectly and it sails toward the purple bruised uvula that you've already been beating on for the last 20 minutes, hits it and incinerates the uvula.

He goes, shining shimmy. The parachute detaches from the corner of his mouth and sails towards you. Give me a sleight of hand roll or a dexterity roll to try to grab it out of the air. 15. So with a 15, you grab it, and you have the only parachute on the dragon in your hand now.

Oh, sweet. Well, Granny, it's been so good. I really enjoyed your company. Can I be honest with you? Uh-huh. I was never going to leave this dragon. So dark. It's like Shawshank Redemption.

I'm only 74. I have a long life left ahead of me, but don't do the crime if you can't do the time. And I did engage in illegal street racing with the T-Birds back in my younger days, so I will be serving out the rest of my sentence. I just wanted to see a good, clean kid like you and Dr. Feathers McGee, or whatever his name might be, not have to rot away in here if you don't want to. Now, I'm going to help a lot of people.

I think that I can reform any bunny or smoke monster that I come across and really do a lot of good in this. And Lime LaCroix takes a deep breath and sighs and then hands Granny her parachute. Granny throws the parachute out of the mouth of the dragon. What is wrong with you? I was interpreting. I thought you wanted to stay. I thought you wanted to stay. I thought you wanted to stay with me and help the people. Oh, boy.

No! I am so sorry. I could have been more wrong about that. Every part of me is mad at you. Lime is mad. Aaron's mad. Every character I've ever played is mad. I am so sorry.

Oh, boy. That's so good. So the dragon sees a parachute fly out of his mouth. What was that? And I answer him, oh, shoot. Oh, nice one. Well, friend, I guess if you don't want to land because it's your job, then I'm afraid this is where we part ways.

Well, go ahead and roll persuasion. Adjusted 20. 17 plus 3. Oh, yeah, I guess you're wearing the convict uniforms and stuff. You probably shouldn't be here if everything was going well, so I guess the convicts are loose, huh? That sucks. Shit.

Shit. Of course, I'm a guard. I put on their clothing to blend in because I'm a character actor. So, you and I are friends. We're both working the job. What do we need about these other two, then? Because I can feel, I feel, yeah, I feel there are definitely two convicts holding on to my teeth right now.

What do we do about that? Can your mouth feel their physique or the... Yeah, I feel there are definitely two convicts holding on to my teeth right now. What do we do about that? Can your mouth feel their physique? We're just getting covered in tongue. Yeah, so both of you give me a strength check. It's getting tongued real good. 18. 12.

LaCroix, you're going to take a D6 of damage as this massive, meaty, putrescent tongue just slaps down on you and just bludgeons you. Granny, you manage to resist the incoming hunk of meat that's coming at you. Up top, the dragon goes like... Feels like a street racer and somebody with very little self-control. Okay. Tell you what, I have a riddle for you. You get it right, and I'll let your friends go.

You ready? Yes. I help a needle do its job. When a hurricane rages, I do not. And I'm about to tell you the answer. What am I? Oh, this man is brain damaged. That's not a riddle.

That's just gibberish. This poor dragon. You're confused. You can also ask your friends down there. Hey, Lime LaCroix, Granny Zuko, did you happen to hear that? Aye. Aye. The eye of a hurricane.

The eye of a needle. Aye, aye, Captain. Damn, you got it. I was just doing a pirate affirmative. But yes, that also makes sense for the riddle, too. And I was just itching my eyes. No, you got it. And as I say the answer, aye, I slam one of my talons into the dragon's eye.

Why? Get fucked. That's awesome. It's so big, there's literally no way you can miss. So go ahead and just roll, like, double damage for whatever your talent attacks are. Five and a two, so that's seven each roll minus one, so five all day.

You make a relatively small puncture wound in the dragon's eye, but... Anthony, be honest with me. Did I kill it? Well, incidentally, you make this very small puncture, but then you see that you've not just punctured its eye, you've punctured the protective light membrane that keeps wind from getting into its eye.

And now wind is just hitting it directly in its exposed eye, and it's really fucking irritating it. You can see the veins are getting red and dried out and stuff. And he goes like, Oh no, why did I make the answer to my riddle? My one weakness. He closes one eye and then tries to remaneuver himself. Loses all depth perception.

Oh yeah. And he hits the corner of this canyon wall and begins to start crashing. One of his wings gets clipped and he is careening down toward the earth. He's rolling fast enough that the centrifugal force is keeping you inside of his mouth. He's like doing barrel rolls and stuff as he goes down. He plows right into the ground and everybody takes 2d12 of damage. And Lime LaCroix is just throwing up everywhere.

She has really bad potions like that. The doctor would have put his wings parallel to the ground so that the wind caught him and stabilized him so clearly he would not hit the ground. Yeah, you take no damage. Four. Oh my God, I rolled 18. So massive damage for me.

Nobody's dead? Nobody's dead. You hear a pretty rowdy snap as his deck hits the ground and his head suddenly does this weird, like 90 degree split upward. Holy shit. So I did kill him. You paralyzed him.

He can still talk. I just meant to scratch his corny. Oh, fuck. Shit, you guys. You guys are the worst. When my boss is coming to pick me up, I'm going to tell him to find you three assholes. Do you have a cool gang name or something that I can refer to you as in other podcasts

if we want to reference you? Dr. Peter Wingspan gets like kind of a sly look on his face and he goes, just tell him to look for the folks with a flight risk tattoo. Knowing that that means millions of people. I don't have a flight risk tattoo. My tattoo just says, hey, riddle, riddle. It also says patreon.com slash hey, riddle, riddle. I don't know.

You can join the clue crew for $5 a month and the review crew for $8 a month and support the show. It's also free episodes every Wednesday. We're on the HeadGum Network. That's a lot of ink. My name's Granny Zupo. I'm an old woman. Also a Greece reference. Randy Zupo, I'm an old woman.

Also a Grease reference. Thanks. This special episode of Dungeons and Daddies features Anthony Birch as your DM, JPC as Granny Zuko, Adel Rafai as Dr. Peter Wingspan, Aaron Keefe as Lime LaCroix, Matt Arnold as Thumper, and me, Freddie Wong, as Werner Herzog, as Plague. We are supported by an excellent and loving Patreon. You can find out more at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. But we got guests here. Plugs, where can people find you?

Our podcast is called Hey Riddle Riddle. You can get it anywhere you get podcasts. We're on the HeadGum Network as well. If you like our show and you want to support our show, we're also on Patreon. We do weekly bonus episodes on Patreon. That's patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. This is also not the only collaboration we're doing.

Will, Beth, and myself will be joining Adel, JPC, and Aaron on their podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle, to see how good we are at solving riddles and doing improv. That episode should be out about the same time you hear this one. Hey, this is Adel or Fi. You can find me on social media at Adel or Fi, spelled how it sounds. I guess look it up. I'm so sorry. And I do another podcast you can check out, please, called Hello from the Magic Tavern.

It's an improvised fantasy podcast on the Earwolf Network. So check that out, please. You can follow me, AaronKeefe10, on Instagram and AaronKeefe2 on Twitter. Also, if you write riddles or you know any riddles that you love, you can email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com. And we will use your riddle because we are running out. Please, God you can email us at hrrpodcast at gmail.com and we will use your riddle because we are running out. Please, God, please email us, please. And you can follow me on Twitter at JPSoFly

or on Instagram and Twitch at Shark Parkman. Thank you guys so much for having us on. This is a blast. Thanks so much for being on. Thank you, it was truly a pleasure. And we'll see everybody later. Nothing's less cool than admitting you like a thing in general, much less to the people who made that thing. So I considered like, should I be like mean to him at the top and like neg him to make

it seem like I'm a normal person? But I didn't have the balls to do that. So here we are. All right, dude, this is literally me every time I go to a Taco Bell drive-thru. It's like... Can I just say, Baja Blast changed my life. Huge fan of the product.

Sorry if I was mean to you, it's just because I'm nervous. Yeah, I will say Taco Bell's Patreon has some pretty great content.