Dungeons and Daddies - Interlude - The Witch is Dead

Episode Date: November 6, 2019

We play The Witch is Dead, by Grant Howitt, which tells the story of one time everyone's favorite garden witch Erin O'Neill died at the hands of a dastardly witch hunter named Chad, and how three wood...land birds saved her...This was originally Patreon bonus content, released into the wild because we refer to some of the events of this episode in the main campaign. If you want more, head over to http://patreon.com/dungeonsanddads!This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, animal cruelty/animal death, self harm/suicide, and body horror.Anthony Burch is the DMWill Campos plays the CrowBeth May plays the OwlFreddie Wong plays the Magpie Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Basically, all the good stuff. That was a My Dad Wrote a Porno reference. Anyways, content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey folks, Freddy here. What you're about to hear is a Patreon bonus one-shot we did called The Witch is Dead by Grant Howitt. For people pledging $10 and up on our Patreon, we do a thing called the monthly bonus of indeterminate content, and this was that bonus content for October. We've also done like videos. There's a 40-minute mini painting tutorial with Matt. There's a mini documentary about the
Starting point is 00:00:34 recording of Silent Night for episode nine. There's even a commentary track we did for episode one of Bones. It's some wild stuff, man. Now, normally we would not be putting these out into the wild. No, sir. But we goofed because we've referenced what happens in this one shot in the main storyline because the witch is Erin O'Neill. And honestly, we felt that it enriches the experience of listening to the main story enough that, well, everyone should hear it. And by the way, to make up for it, we're recording a replacement one shot for our patrons that will be up later this month in case those of you who are patrons are wondering so for now please enjoy this peek behind the curtain at some of the dope content our patreon supporters get you know if you see one like out in the wild thank them profusely for making this possible and maybe consider becoming one yourself at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads sit back and enjoy the witch is dead and we'll see you next
Starting point is 00:01:23 tuesday for the next episode of Dungeons and Daddies. Welcome, listeners, to our bonus content for October. And it is a one-shot RPG made by Grant Howitt called The Witch is Dead. Grant Howitt's one of my favorite RPG designers. He does a bunch of one-page RPGs that are very rules-light but flavor-heavy. And we're going to play The Witch is Dead. I didn't know I'd say you were sponsored by Grant Howitt. Oh, man. No.
Starting point is 00:02:02 Do you think he could sponsor you? I don't think so. I don't think there's a lot of money in making RPGs unless you're Wizards of the Coast. And even then, it's really hard to still make money. You need a thing called
Starting point is 00:02:10 Magic the Gathering to keep it going. Exactly. I don't know. I think if I got a good night's sleep on a Casper mattress, I'd be able to make an RPG. That's our only goal.
Starting point is 00:02:20 The problem is we can't ever get Beth and Casper because they'll just quit the podcast. She'll have done everything she wanted to do. That's the carrot at the end of the proverbial stick. Alexander will see there are no more worlds to conquer. No more beds
Starting point is 00:02:30 left to plug. And also you'll notice Matt not in on this one. Matt's taking care of some kids stuff. It's because we don't like him. No, he's like better than all of us. He's doing actual bad stuff. It's an even bigger bonus because there's no Matt. Consider that your second bonus. Oh man. so i'm now going to
Starting point is 00:02:47 read you verbatim the plot and backstory of the witch is dead oh once upon a time there was a kind and wise and beautiful witch who lived in the forest with her familiars and her life was peaceful and happy until a fucking witch hunter broke into her cottage and dragged her out and fucking murdered her and now she's dead but if you get revenge and kill him and bring his eyes to her corpse within a week, she'll come back to life. Or so you've heard. Even if it doesn't work, at least he's dead.
Starting point is 00:03:09 The witch hunter has retreated to the village, the fucking coward. Go get him. So you are all going to create your characters very simply. So there's a list
Starting point is 00:03:18 of woodland animals and you're just going to roll a d10 and see what you are. So everybody roll a d10 and tell me what you get. I just rolled a D 10. Turns out.
Starting point is 00:03:27 I'm 100% magpie. Alright. Magpie. Magpie. I'm also a magpie. You all got magpie? I got a crow. I got a crow. Okay, so magpie, crow. Beth, re-roll. I don't want to do the same thing. Maybe we'll be like a cool fighter squad. Actually, I'll get it right. If you want to be a magpie, you can.
Starting point is 00:03:43 I don't. Okay. I'm an owl. Oh, shit, even better. You're the fucking birds of prey. That's great. Okay, so circle whichever character you are or just remember.
Starting point is 00:03:52 My mom's going to be so happy she loves owls. She doesn't listen to this podcast, though. Is she a Patreon subscriber? Hell no. Your mom should pay us. So basically,
Starting point is 00:04:02 the gist of this game is that you have nothing special about you other than the fact that you're woodland creatures and you can understand each other. So basically, there are four stats for every character. Clever, fierce, sly, and quick, which basically are exactly what they sound like. And everybody's stats are fairly low. Those will give you bonuses when you roll for any individual particular task you're taking. But all of you have a single spell that your witch taught you. And these spells are not very strong. They're basically just hedge hedge magic so roll a d10 again and then tell me which
Starting point is 00:04:28 spell you got make flame i got unseen hand what does that do it's like mage hand where you can sort of psychically like use a hand to like knock something over open something or you know slap somebody but not that hard conjured dinner fuck yeah fuck yeah i wish i had that actually i do have that on my smartphone it It's called Postmates. We're also sponsored by Postmates. God, I wish. That's basically everything you need to know about your characters. What I am going to do is roll to define the village
Starting point is 00:04:56 and the witch hunter. So the village is both at war with forest tribes and incredibly superstitious. The witch hunter is headstrong and wild. And you know that he has retreated to his village. So basically it is now on you. You have one week to kill him,
Starting point is 00:05:13 take his eyes and bring them back to your dead mistress. So we all get cool cartoon voices. Yeah, can I roll to see what dumb voice I do? Yeah, go ahead. Go right ahead. Be my guest. Looks like it's going to be
Starting point is 00:05:25 an Australian accent. It doesn't matter what you fucking rolled. Australian was going to be the next goddamn thing out of your mouth and you know it. Oh, it's going to be
Starting point is 00:05:32 a six from me. What is that? Oh, it's an old owl Irish accent. Old Irish owl. Old Irish owl. I won't do Australian. In deference to my brethren
Starting point is 00:05:42 down under. If I'm offending the Irish, which I love, like shout out to all of you guys in Ireland. Love ya. I could also go as David Drambuie. Hello. I am the magpie of the group.
Starting point is 00:05:56 I'm going as David Drambuie. Whatever you want. You weird, weird man. In joke for story break listeners. All right. So Will, what about you? I will be a fancy, sophisticated crow, don't you know? Beautiful.
Starting point is 00:06:07 We're going to summer on my yacht at Cape Cod. Basically, it is now on you to get to the village. There's no difficulty in getting to the village, so if you just want to go to the village and have me describe it, we can just do that, unless you want to come up with a plan before you show up at the village. Now, see here, fellow birds, it seems to me that the thing to do might be to bait this forest tribe into attacking
Starting point is 00:06:25 the village and thus drawing out the witch hunter. Maybe we can get the forest tribe to do our dirty work for us. Indeed, we... Oh, no, sorry. Indeed, these superstitious folks might frighten at the mere sight of flaming whatsits and whatnots coming out of the forest at night. Maybe we can
Starting point is 00:06:41 spook them out and have them dig out the eyeballs of this witch hunter themselves. Okay. Oh, man. Am I just, am I, is it too much? I like it. No, it's fine. More of that, please.
Starting point is 00:06:52 That was a, it's fine, but it's not fine. I'll take my Drambuie with a splash of water. What if we created some kind of visage and I set it alight with my magics and we could burn these square crows or whatever all around them and freak those villages out. Just get them freaked right out of their gourds. We should go to the village and see what's up with the witch hunter.
Starting point is 00:07:15 Probably, right? Sure. We'll do a fly-by pass, a little aerial recon. Oh, yeah, you can fly. Oh, wow. We fly high above. So you fly high above, and you can see that this village is your typical sort of
Starting point is 00:07:25 fairytale village. They've got the baker and they've got a blacksmith and they've got a tavern. They've got all these cute, adorable little homey spaces. But the witch hunter, you can immediately tell who the witch hunter is because there's a guy in the middle of the town square doing backflips and going, I killed a witch. I killed a witch.
Starting point is 00:07:41 Suck my ass cause I killed a witch. And he's like fucking, he somehow has a skateboard. He's doing kickflips. He's headstrong. He's behaving headstrongly and wildly. Is he Jeremy Renner from whatever that movie that came out recently was? Like Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters or what else? Yes.
Starting point is 00:07:56 He looks identical to Jeremy Renner from Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. Except he's also doing skateboarding. He looks like Jeremy Renner from Blade Renner. Yes. He looks like Jeremy Renner from the app. He looks like Jeremy Renner from the app Jeremy Renner. Should we... Okay, a couple of thoughts. So they're superstitious, right? They are superstitious.
Starting point is 00:08:12 Maybe we could convince them that the gods are angry with them and they need to sacrifice the witch hunter. Every single time he's doing something, right? Something more impressive. What if we carefully assembled an assembly of twigs and stuff like that, and it spells out, kickflips are bad, and we lit it on fire?
Starting point is 00:08:32 Why does it say kickflips are bad? Because he's doing kickflips. Look at him. He's doing these kicky flips with that skateboard. Oh, so we could, because I have made, all right, so what's your spell again? My spell is. Conjure dinner, right? Conjure dinner.
Starting point is 00:08:45 So we can make a dinner. In his honor. How big a dinner are we talking? Dinner for one. The witch would use it to make dinner for herself. Yeah, these are little bits of hedge magic to help us around the house, but they'll have to do... Oh, what if the extremely superstitious village poisons the witch hunter in a sort of... I believe there was a place called
Starting point is 00:09:06 jonestown um in in sort of a belief of a higher uh oh okay what if we get this guy he's headstrong he's wild he thinks quite a bit of himself what if we start doing whispering into his ear a little bit he can't hear us right no he cannot understand animal speak. But if we can somehow convince him that he's the cult leader, his headstrong ways, combined with the superstitious nature of the village, means that they'll probably go along with him. Seeing as they're just letting him stand in the town
Starting point is 00:09:36 square, they're doing kickflips and whatnot. But we don't want them all to poison themselves. But if they do, the forest tribes will take care of him because he'll be no one left to defend the village. Because if he Jonestowns the village, it'll be just him because he'll be no one left to defend the village because if he jones towns the village it'll be just him how are we gonna get how are we gonna get him to poison how are we gonna poison this food we can make the food that's step one step two as a clever magpie i want to look around for all kinds of weird berries and shit there's all kinds of
Starting point is 00:09:59 fucked up mushrooms and berries that'll make you make you all kind of yeah why don't you roll clever so you're gonna add whatever your clever score is as a magpie. You're going to add two to your roll and you're trying to beat a six. Four. So you don't find any poison. I have an idea. What? Now let's see here, gents and lady gents and birds and lady birds. What say we
Starting point is 00:10:17 poison an apple and we apparate it in front of this superstitious folk? I can use my unseen hand to write out a message that says, a gift for the mightiest among you. And then he eats a poisoned apple and dies. True, true, true. And we could make the villagers help out with presenting this dinner in his honor,
Starting point is 00:10:43 since they are so impressed. I like it. Okay, so if you wanted to do that... We need to find poison, though, right? Well, you found it, at least in the forest around you. There is nothing. If you wanted to go further away, you could look for more poison there,
Starting point is 00:10:54 but time may have passed and stuff may happen in the village by the time you get back. So you fly, being birds and all, though. I believe Lady Owl is the cleverest amongst us, so perhaps she should... You would think, wouldn't you? There's also an apothecary in the village. If you wanted to try and go down and search for poison inside of it,
Starting point is 00:11:09 it would just be obviously trickier because you're birds. I would like to do that, please. Yeah, we're going to do another aerial recon of the apothecary. Okay, well, there's no windows on it, so all you can tell is that it is an apothecary. And you know that because you see villagers coming in and leaving with little flasks of glowing blue or red liquid for health or mana. Yeah, if you want to get in, there's a couple of... I lied when I said there are no windows. There's a window on each wall, but they're all closed right now.
Starting point is 00:11:32 And then there's the one door in and out of it. I've got an idea. So one of us flies into the window, and whoever is inside will be like, well, the poor little bird, let me check and make sure it's okay. And then we can slide in when he opens the window. That's a smashing idea, I'd say. Hold on, hold on.
Starting point is 00:11:50 So you're going to go into the thing? Yes. One of us slams into the window and starts twitching around on the ground. And then the person opens the door to get in. And then while they're distracted by that, someone swoops in. Very good. Well, who among us? Basically what you're going to want to do is you're going to roll Sly to see
Starting point is 00:12:10 if you can slam yourself into the window without doing any damage to yourself. There's going to be some danger involved so if you fail, you'll take a point of danger. The only way you can ever lose this game is if you roll under or equal to the amount of danger that you have as a character. Oh, clever. So I have, I think, the highest Sly amongst us. Yeah, I think you're the sly one here.
Starting point is 00:12:26 So I would like to slam my head into the window. Okay, so you're going to try to roll higher than a six. With a plus two. A six or higher with plus two. So you just get a four. So I'm rolling a d10? Yep. It's only d10 in this one.
Starting point is 00:12:38 Eww. I rolled a three. Okay, so mark down that you have one point of danger. So you slam into the window, and it fucking hurts. Like, you tried to, like, do a clever thing where you, like, splayed your whole body out so that it took the brunt of it equally across your body, but your back just fucking hurts.
Starting point is 00:12:52 The window was closer than you thought. Yeah, the window was a lot closer than you thought. Ah, it's that glass. You can't see it when you're a bird. And they just invented that. Those confabulating humans. So you smack the glass, and you fall down, and inside the, uh, the...
Starting point is 00:13:04 What would you call the person? Apothecarian. Apothecarian. The apothecarian turns and goes, oh, dear me. And looks at the window and she goes, oh, a crow flying into the window. That's bad luck. We're superstitious. That's very bad luck.
Starting point is 00:13:20 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So roll clever to look really pathetic to see if she'll open the door for you seven it's exactly what you needed okay great so she opens the door and goes uh superstition be damned and she opens the door and comes out and picks you up in her hand so somebody's gonna try to fly i could see actually if the bird dies it's a bad sign right so maybe she's trying to keep it alive so it's like oh no superstition that makes a lot of sense
Starting point is 00:13:41 yeah no i should i should i have to make sure it stays alive, otherwise we're fucked. We're proper fucked. Proper fucked. All right, so does somebody want to try to zip in? Yeah, I'm going to zip in. All right, go ahead and roll quick. Quickness. You're trying to get an... Come on, come on, get down.
Starting point is 00:13:54 A nine plus two, 11. Great. Okay, I was going to say you had to beat an eight, and you beat it. All right, so you were inside. So why don't you roll clever? You're going to get one clever roll before she starts coming back in to find the poison. Okay. You have to find the poison. Okay. You have to roll a six.
Starting point is 00:14:07 Eight. Eight. All right. So you find a very small vial with green liquid inside of it. And the vial has a skull stamped on the outside of it. And I know enough of humans to know that a skull is bad. I've seen it in the witch's hut. Great.
Starting point is 00:14:18 You've spotted it now. So she's coming back inside. And she opens the door and sees you in there. And she goes, birds. Why so many birds and blackbirds to blackbirds? Lots of lots of bad omens here. No, no, no. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:14:30 I'm healing your friend back to life. It's not my fault. I'm going to heal. I promise. And so she walks to her potions and takes out a red one and pours it all over you. Will. Yeah. You don't drink it.
Starting point is 00:14:42 She's like, it just applies it to you. So you don't currently have the poison in your mouth and the door is closed and the window is closed as well. So how are you going to get out with the poison? So Beth's still on the outside. Correct. What if I went and knocked on the window like Hedwig?
Starting point is 00:14:57 Like, hi, let me in. Okay, you can do that. Could she do that? And then I can use my unseen hand to like... What if you use my unseen hand to like... What if you use your unseen hand to knock over something flammable? And then I lit this entire place on fire. Oh my God. Fuck these people.
Starting point is 00:15:14 They killed the witch. You could do that. Now, unseen hand's always dangerous. Unimagined is always going to be dangerous. Unimagined is always dangerous. You'll have to roll at least a seven. And if you fail, you take another point of damage. And if at any point for the rest of the game, you roll a one, you're fucked.
Starting point is 00:15:25 Oh, yeah. I think you should knock on the... Knock your head on the window. Alright, I go knock, knock. She turns, she goes, man alive, all these birds, what have I done to upset the god? Oh, I knew we shouldn't have worked together with that piece of shit witch hunter Chad to kill that witch. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:15:41 Fuck, we are all in on it with him. Number one on the twist rules for the village, you know now. We are all in on it with him. Number one on the twist rules for the village. You know now. We are all in on it with him. We are all responsible. Do we have to kill all of them now? I think so. You don't have to kill all of them. But they will actively try to help him.
Starting point is 00:15:57 Because there are other versions of this. It's like, oh, the witch hunter is just some asshole who lives in the village. If you kill him, nobody's going to care. They will care if you kill him. She goes, oh, man alive. Oh, why isn't this enough? Fuck it. And so she grabs Will and opens the window and then just tosses him out. She goes, I don't want any part of it. And tries to throw you out of the window.
Starting point is 00:16:14 I sneak. I try to sneak in. Okay, go ahead and roll a sly. It'll be an eight because she's looking right at you. Nine. Nine. I'll be damned. All right, so you managed to sneak in just as she opens the door and throws Will out. Okay, now what? I want to help the magpie get the poison out.
Starting point is 00:16:32 Okay, so I'm outside right now. Yes. You two are inside. We're trying to get the poison. Yes. I'd like to do a clever to see if there's any flammable, like she's keeping anything flammable in there. That sounds good.
Starting point is 00:16:42 Ooh, Ted. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. You immediately spot that there is a... A bunch of red barrels. Yeah, a bunch of red barrels. One big red potion barrel in the corner that has a little flame symbol on it,
Starting point is 00:16:54 and you can immediately spot that is definitely flammable. Now, can I just knock that down? You'll have to roll Fierce to do it, and she'll probably notice you doing it and try to maybe oppose. Okay. We all have low Fierce, unfortunately. I've got an idea, but it's kind of like a long-term idea but okay so what if we can get all the villagers like around the witch hunter and then one of us flies with the bottle of poison
Starting point is 00:17:16 over them and sort of like just pours it on them like a mass poisoning yeah and we can like corral them with our like bird power like we could be like bird sheep dogs and then like get them all together oh you know what might be interesting is if we did that but with flammability just burn down the whole thing just just like douse everyone we probably will be unable to lift this yeah douse everyone in gasoline and then burn them the whole barrel no it's basically like a small barrel of gasoline that is full two birds even if you like rolled amazingly would probably not you'd be able to tip it over you wouldn't be able to like carry it yeah yeah the poison vial is small enough that that you probably could carry
Starting point is 00:17:53 it on your own with a difficult check or if you were somebody worked with you with a less difficult check maybe we could recruit the uh forest tribes to our aid i think so i think like again i think the key to this is that these all these motherfuckers all need to die and we need to use the power of man's inhumanity to man in order to accomplish this oh we could okay hear me out maybe we could pilfer like some piece of scrap from a guard or like some sort of thing. Then we fly it out to the forest tribe. We drop our poisoned apple there. Oh, shit. Someone there eats it and then they see like the
Starting point is 00:18:32 sigil of the other tribe and then they go in to wipe them out. We gotta take this poison, though. We gotta get the poison. I like burning the... The hut down is a way of doing it. Or at least that's gonna get her out the door, isn't it? And then you guys can fly out the door.
Starting point is 00:18:47 Yes. All right. I will knock over one of the barrels. Okay. I'm a lofty big bird. I'm going to assist. Okay, so if you're both going to assist, so it's dangerous for both of you.
Starting point is 00:18:57 Both of you have to pass a six test. Otherwise, there's going to be one of you had to pass a 10. Okay, so that's going to be a fierce, right? Yeah, fierce. Come on. Six plus one, fierce. Come on. Six plus one. Seven. All right. I failed. Okay.
Starting point is 00:19:14 What'd you get? A zero? No, zero's a 10. Zero's a 10. That means you could have succeeded. Yeah. Okay, awesome. So you successfully knock over the barrel and it hits the ground in just the right way that the cork in the top of it out and gasoline starts like spilling out of it across the floor. Okay, so I'm going to use unseen hand to open the
Starting point is 00:19:29 front door so you guys can get out. Great. So all you have to do is pass a six. Do I get any bonus to it? Yeah, you're being clever. So yeah, I got a five. Okay, so take another point of danger. I croak if I fuck up one more time. No, it's just if you ever roll equal to or under your danger
Starting point is 00:19:45 You get in big trouble Dead, trapped, lost, or captured So basically that's the only way you can die in this game Is through danger Crit 10 on my make flame On your make flame Okay, cool So you spark this pool of gasoline alight
Starting point is 00:19:59 And she goes Oh, fuck me Fuck me, the fucking witch Oh, the curses were true Oh, why didn't we listen? No, no, no. And she immediately starts trying to grab her most valuable potions into her arms, which thankfully doesn't involve the poison
Starting point is 00:20:11 because, yeah, it doesn't involve the poison. And then she just kicks open the front door and starts running out with her potions going like, oh, we're being punished. We're all being punished. Fucking hell. Time to carry the poison out. All right.
Starting point is 00:20:25 Either one of you make a fierce roll. I got another 10. All right, so you just put it in your strong owl talons, and you can fly away with the poison. You have the poison now. As I fly over her, I say, Hoo, it's your daddy now. Okay, calling an audible.
Starting point is 00:20:42 We could, because it seems like she's pretty freaked out about this thing burning. We could use because it seems like she's pretty freaked out about this thing burning. We could use her as our hype man, essentially. And we could write out, feed this to the witch hunter and all is forgiven. Right? Or just obey the bird.
Starting point is 00:20:58 No, that's true. Obey the bird. Then we could just point at shit. Yeah. But the danger is they may think that we're ill omens and they may try and kill us birds and remember they are in on it with chad the witch hunter they like him a lot so it might be hard to convince them to do that you'll have to roll you can still do it the difficulty will just be higher than it would have been if they didn't give a fuck no that's right i think you know what i do i think we got to involve these forest tribes okay
Starting point is 00:21:19 should we go sail to the forest tribe lands yes i, I think so. So you fly a little bit of ways into the forest lands where the bandits of the leaf, the leaf bandits, make their home. The sticky bandits. The sticky bandits. They all look like Daniel Stern. That's the genetic mutation that they have. If they're already against the village,
Starting point is 00:21:37 can't we just be like, guys, hey. We just destroyed their apothecary. Well, anybody roll clever. All three of you roll clever. Just try to get a six or higher. I got seven total. Five. You hear them say like, shit, that witch.
Starting point is 00:21:51 They killed the witch. The witch was giving us some of our fucking powers for raiding them all the time. She must be dead. That fucking sucks. I guess we should leave. I don't know. Fuck. I thought we were really going to take the town.
Starting point is 00:22:01 What a bummer. It feels like we need to encourage them in. Should we? I know I keep pitching writing something in the fucking dirt. No, I dig that. I dig that. We could tell them that they're, because the apothecaries,
Starting point is 00:22:14 they have their potions and stuff like that. We could say they're weak now. The time is nigh. Attack or something like that. If you write attack now in the dirt with your beak or whatever, do you think they'd pay attention? Let's see the leader. Do we see the leader of these groups of people?
Starting point is 00:22:28 Does he look like Joe Pesci? Yeah, he looks like Joe Pesci. It's all Daniel Sterns and one Joe Pesci. In the land of the Sterns, the Joe Pesci is king. So yeah, you see Joe Pesci. My only worry now is because they're already spooked. If one of them dies, they'll definitely fall. No, we shouldn't be killing them.
Starting point is 00:22:42 No, I don't think so. But we need to get the distraction. We need to get them in there. We could convince them that the witch is still alive. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? With our little cantrips and stuff, we could be like I yet live. Attack and I shall, you know,
Starting point is 00:22:58 assist thee. It's like we're the bird emissaries for the witch. The flying monkeys. They're on our side. I think we should approach Joe Pesci and you should write out your stuff. Now hold on. Do we understand enough language to be able to write something or is it just like May Chan is just pushing stuff around?
Starting point is 00:23:13 You can understand language because the witch has talked to you enough that basically it's just saying that you can't open your mouth and have English come out unless you have that cantrip. Right, right, right. Okay. But you can spell stuff in the dirt with your beak or whatever you want. Okay. Do I want to do that just by writing with my beak or you know the oh show the magic otherwise they're just gonna believe yeah exactly i think they need to see us do some magic and then they'll think yeah okay okay so right friend of which in the in the dirt you fly in
Starting point is 00:23:39 front of joe pesci and you see a stick nearby i assume you want to like unseen hand it and start writing yes real clever it's it's gonna be dangerous if you fail so uh just try to get a Apeshi and you see a stick nearby, I assume you want to unseen hand it and start writing? Yes. Roll clever. It's going to be dangerous if you fail, so just try to get a six or higher. Yeah, I rolled a one. It's plus... Clever is two, so it's plus three. Great. Okay, so yeah, that's fine. You're good. So what do you write out? I write out, I yet
Starting point is 00:23:57 live. Follow my birds. Follow, and then it's just an arrow to me. And I'm like, hey. And you're waving with a wing. Follow, and then I's just an arrow to me. And I'm like, eh. And you're waving with a wing. Follow, and then I draw an arrow pointing to Freddy and Beth. XOXO witch. Joe Pesci's like, she's still alive.
Starting point is 00:24:14 That's crazy. I don't feel the power anymore. I finished by saying the power was in you all along. And Daniel Stern goes, no, look, the power's in us all along. And Joe Pesci'smy's like oh what a nice little lesson oh shit oh i missed that witch already no wait
Starting point is 00:24:29 she's alive i just that's what i learned everything's great everything's perfect okay i guess well what do you want us to do so i would say follow i think we should follow the points we should lead
Starting point is 00:24:38 them to like the edge of the clearing if there's an overlook of the village so they can see that there's a fire like probably at this point engulfing the entire apothecary building at this point okay so joe and the pesci's follow you to a clearing basically and they can see that yeah the apothecary is just lit the fuck up
Starting point is 00:24:54 one of the daniel stearns is like oh holy wow okay did you who did that was it the witch is the witch in there what do you want us to do i think we we need them to attack en masse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we send them that message? Attack! Exclamation point. Okay. You'd have to roll again for the magic. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:13 Or you could just draw it on the ground, I guess, now that you've proven that you're... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I just write it on the ground. Attack. Attack. XO, XO, Witch. XO, XO, Witch. Just roll normal clever.
Starting point is 00:25:18 It's not dangerous, but roll clever to see if you can convince them. God, another one! All right. It's fine. So three. I can roll a three. Okay. So you failed, but it wasn't dangerous all right it's fine so three i can roll a three okay so you failed
Starting point is 00:25:25 but uh uh it wasn't dangerous so it's fine and so so one of the the daniel stearns comes up it goes well i don't want why would we do this this is we could just leave anytime we want to i don't i'm not gonna listen to a bunch of fucking birds just shut up uh why don't we just bounce i don't like this this is it's already on fire. These guys were assholes. I want to kill as much as anybody. Can I poison that guy specifically and then hope that the rest of them will just like... You can try to. I mean, you're still holding the poison.
Starting point is 00:25:52 Yeah, I pour a little poison on him. I feel like you wrench his head back and then I pour poison down his throat. Okay. So both of you roll fierce. This is definitely dangerous. Yes. Seven plus one, eight. I got seven. Damn is definitely dangerous. Yes. Seven plus one, eight. I got seven.
Starting point is 00:26:05 All right. This is stupid. I don't think we should listen to that. And then all of a sudden, your fucking talons go into his scalp at the back of his neck like the woman from the staircase and you just fucking pull his head back. The woman from the staircase, no! I was like, I wonder
Starting point is 00:26:23 who that's for. And he goes, what the fuck? And as his mouth is open, you uncork the poison and empty, like, the whole bottle into his throat. Pour some poison on me! And he goes like, oh, fuck! And foam begins to foam with the mouth, and his veins start popping out, and he just goes red,
Starting point is 00:26:42 and then he just falls to the ground dead. And I turn to look at the rest of the villagers and I say whoo! And they go you know what? We will attack. You know what? I think you convinced us. That sounds great. We'll do it tonight. We'll do it right now. So Joe and the Pesci's run out with shitty little sharpened sticks and little knives and stuff
Starting point is 00:26:58 like that. They're not super well equipped. They don't have a lot of armor. A dozen or so of these forest bandits start running at the village. There's some fighting that happens. I figure the village is lightly weakened by the fact that some of the guys are probably busy trying to stop the fire from spreading, right? Yeah, some of the people basically that would be their warriors are picking up pails of water and trying to throw them on the fire. The main thing that you notice is amongst all the fighting, Chad the witch hunter comes out and goes like, What the fuck? I thought, oh, this is bullshit.
Starting point is 00:27:24 This is bullshit. And he takes off his shirt and under his shirt, he has a bunch of knives like in a bandolier across his chest and he just pulls that to him and then just runs into the fracas and starts stabbing these bandits left and right and he's doing a really good job. He's like killing like one with each blow. I've got an idea. So I'm gonna
Starting point is 00:27:39 take the rest of the poison and then make dinner. But instead of like dinner. Did you use all the poison on this guy? I didn't think so. That's why I did it. I didn't think I was going to use all of it. We'll say you didn't use all of it. Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:27:51 Just the mildest drop of poison left. Is it enough that it wouldn't kill him, but it's just a little indigestion? It'll make him vomit for a while. You summon the food in the poison bottle. That's right, yeah. And then it pops the poison bottle, so whatever coating was-
Starting point is 00:28:06 Like in Superman Returns. Yes. I don't remember that part of Superman Returns, but sure. And so it's still coated with the leftover poison. That's great, that's great. But the food that I want to make is a pie. Okay. And then I want to fly and then hit the witch hunter
Starting point is 00:28:20 right in the face with a pie. I want to pie him. Hell yeah. Straight out of Nickelodeon. You can't do that on podcasts. Oh, wow. I don't know. Okay, so roll clever to do the magic.
Starting point is 00:28:34 Eight. Okay, so you successfully create a pie inside of the bottle of poison, and it quickly gets so big, it just shatters the bottle, and shards of glass and poison are everywhere, and you've dodged most of it. But you can definitely see a thin film of light green glowing video game
Starting point is 00:28:49 status effect poison all over the entire pie. I'll put the shards of glass in it, too. Why not? We're going to add to it. Add some shards of glass to it. Fantastic. And I'll spit in it. We all take big bird dumps in it, Anthony.
Starting point is 00:29:02 We all poop hard in this pie. I'm so happy. We all void our bowels right into the filling of in it, Anthony. We all poop hard in this pie. I'm so happy. We all void our bowels right into the filling of the pie, Anthony. What do you think about that? Is that cool enough for you? And we pee, too. We poop and pee. It's bird poop and bird pee. Birds put both of them in the same
Starting point is 00:29:17 chunk. Do they really? Yeah. That's fascinating. One tube, baby, and it's going right in this pie. That is so efficient. The pie is fairly heavy, loaded down as it is with poop and pee and glass and poison. So one of you, just carrying it on your own, you're going to have to roll a nine or a ten. I think this is a triplicate effort. Yeah, I think we do the flying V. The flying V.
Starting point is 00:29:37 Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. At least two of the three of you have to roll a six fierce to make this work.
Starting point is 00:29:45 Can I use my spell? Oh yeah, that'd be great. Is this dangerous for me to do this? Using a spell is always dangerous and flying into this guy is also dangerous. I rolled a two. I got a six. I got a six. Okay, great. That was very close. Freddy, your magpie
Starting point is 00:30:01 can't quite hold on to it as you get close. I'm just like, it's a pie. It's a pie and it's hard to hold on to. I'm a pie. This is a pie. And basically one of the guards of the village smacks you out of the air just right next to you. Sees the pie is coming and goes like, oh, what's that? And smacks and you get out of the way. I take a danger there, yeah. Yeah, you take a danger because you failed.
Starting point is 00:30:18 But the other two of you managed to successfully maneuver this fucking pie right next to Chad and as he turns around, having successfully killed Joe Pesci and destroyed their leaders, he goes like, I'm fucking Chad, and I'll kick ass! And as his mouth is open, the pie slams into his fucking face. It, like, hurts a lot.
Starting point is 00:30:38 And he goes like, oh, shit, some of it went down my mouth. Not enough of it to kill me, maybe, but a whole lot. Oh, fuck, and my eyes are burning. Shit, fuck. And he's cut on his face and stuff like that and he basically drops both of his weapons and is like clawing at his face to try to get this pie and all this glass and shit out of his face he's a very distracted certainly if there's anything else he wanted to try to do you remember in home alone when he steps on the nail like we could lift up one of his knives oh and then wow make him step on it like maybe you light his pant leg on fire.
Starting point is 00:31:06 Yeah, I'm going to try and cast flame on his pant leg so that he scurries about and tries to stomp it out. And in the stomping motion, you're going to try and slip a knife underneath his head. Behind him, I want to set the skateboard so that he steps on the skateboard. Holy shit! Okay, so Beth, you roll sly.
Starting point is 00:31:24 Freddie and Will roll clever for your parts of this, and it's all dangerous. I got six plus one, seven. I got a 11. Oh, no, two plus two, four. Four. So that's not going to be enough, so you take another point of danger.
Starting point is 00:31:36 So the skateboard is perfectly set up, and the knife is perfectly set up, but he's not stomping around. He's still staying there stationary, trying to get the shit out of his face. You try to make the fire come, but it just peters out on his leg. It's not flammable. It's still staying there stationary, trying to get the shit out of his face. You try to make the fire come, but it just peters out on his leg. It's not flammable.
Starting point is 00:31:48 It doesn't catch. It doesn't catch. I saw a documentary called The Staircase where an owl proved very dangerous. And no one believed it. No one thought an owl was involved. They didn't even mention it on the documentary. I'd listen to the podcast after the fact.
Starting point is 00:32:01 I still don't believe an owl was involved. Oh, are you going to slam into him? Yeah, fly like talons first into his eyes oh shit okay roll fierce definitely dangerous i got one one that's your first point of danger so mark that down yeah so you come at him and like even with all the pie and the glass in his face you can feel the wind of your wings approaching and he just reaches out with the fist and just decks you in the face and sends you careening off course. Oh, dang. What do you got, Freddie? I was going to just like
Starting point is 00:32:29 seeing as I screwed up the thing and seeing my pal, the owl, take a hit. I was going to fly around, take a big looping arc and try and bullet his dick. You know, go straight at his ding-a-ling. So go ahead and roll. Cleverly.
Starting point is 00:32:45 I feel like it's definitely not clever. I think it might be quick because you're trying to go for speed into the dick rather than fierceness, I feel like.
Starting point is 00:32:52 So you can roll quick if you want. Quick or fierce. It's up to you. Quick. Quick in the dick. It's definitely dangerous. Two plus two, four.
Starting point is 00:32:58 Ooh, that's another failure. How many danger points did you have? I had two. You get another point of damage. So then you have to roll higher than a three. Yeah. The end result has to roll higher than a three.
Starting point is 00:33:05 Yeah. The end result has to be higher than three even after the bonuses. Yeah, yeah. So he feels you coming too and you're coming straight at his dick. He's got six cents on his dick. And Chad is just like, don't nobody fuck with Chad's dick but Chad.
Starting point is 00:33:15 And he like kicks forward with one of his feet. Yeah, I'll say. And then just hits you out of the air and then puts his foot right back down where it was not onto a knife. God damn it. Oh, I was going to say, can I try to move the knife?
Starting point is 00:33:24 Yes. Okay, real clever again. Again, it'll be dangerous. Yes, I got an eight. Oh, I was going to say, can I try to move the knife? Yes. Okay, real clever again. Again, it'll be dangerous. Yes, I got an eight. Oh, perfect. Okay, so with an eight, he moves his foot up, kicks the magpie away,
Starting point is 00:33:32 and then puts his foot right back down and slams it down on the ground with so much confidence, having protected his dick, and the knife goes straight through his fucking foot. Oh, God. And it's like an army of darkness
Starting point is 00:33:41 when he's like... And he just stumbles to the ground, and he's bleeding and everything. And there's a couple of, there's two Daniel Stearns left in the gang. And they're currently having fights with some other guards and stuff like that. But, like, yeah, the guy is on his back. He's pretty damn close to fucked in At Your Mercy. I want to try to do an owl skateboarding move and grind him.
Starting point is 00:34:06 Roll sly. Okay. Five plus one, six. Great. Lights out. Gorilla radio. So you perfectly grind him. You get fucking, you know. Where did his skateboard come from? He said he had a skateboard. It was his.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Oh, that's right. He had a skateboard. It's just a wooden plank attached to four wooden circles. It's not great, but you definitely, you get on it and you like pedal with your other talent, like get some speed up and then you fuck. What kind of grind do you do on him? I do a board slide. All right, you do a fucking brutal board slide across his body
Starting point is 00:34:38 and it like, boom, like hits his face and drives the glass deeper into his skin and then it hits him on the dick, which he was like, no, that's what I was trying to avoid this whole time. And you do even more damage to him, and he's basically looking pretty fucking bad.
Starting point is 00:34:54 And I land switch, and I say, I stuck that. Yeah, you get the points. No mis-tricks. I say, ow, let's grab this skateboard, fly up as high as we can on it, and drop it on his head. Oh, wow. That's fun. I was going to say summon a we can on it, and drop it on his head. Oh, wow. That's fun.
Starting point is 00:35:05 I was going to say summon a fucking apple in his mouth and make him choke to death. Oh, my God. Also very good. I like the skateboard move, though. Live by the board, die by the board. Live by the board, die by the board. Skate or die.
Starting point is 00:35:17 This is a big drop-in. So because he's completely incapacitated, whatever role this is doesn't involve danger. So you can just roll fierce to see if you can drag the... I'm going to assist as well. Okay. Two or three of you have to beat a six. Four plus one, five.
Starting point is 00:35:31 Yeah, I got five. I got a five, too. Unfortunately, the skateboard is just too... Too dank. It's slick with pie and blood, so it just kind of evades your grasp. He's still on the ground, though. He's still basically helpless.
Starting point is 00:35:41 No grip tape on it. That was a problem. This is kind of grisly. it seems like it always gets to us having to brutally execute an incapacitated person that is the one thing that's fun about the witch is dead though is that every game of the witch is dead is like that because you're just a bunch of stupid animals who can't do anything so anything you're going to do to a guy is going to take a while and it's going to be death by a thousand cuts what if we guided these two original daniels into him like if we flew over and like-
Starting point is 00:36:06 We can go try to- There's two more Daniels. We could try to recruit them to our cause. Yeah. Okay. Are they in fights with people right now? They are currently in fights with the bartender and the blacksmith. I will fly into the face of the bartender to try and like distract them enough that
Starting point is 00:36:18 these guys can get an upper hand. Okay. I think two of us need to tussle with the other two. Yeah. And then one of us can lead the other ones away. Great. So whoever is rolling to distract the fighters, you're going to roll me fierce
Starting point is 00:36:30 and you're going to try to get at least an eight. Whoever is trying to convince the Daniels to follow them, roll me a clever and you need to give me a seven at least. I'll do clever because I have advantage on that. Yeah. And I guess I have to do fierce. Yeah. These are hard rolls.
Starting point is 00:36:42 Here we go. Seven plus one, eight. Holy shit. well done. I got five total. I got a three, which matches my danger levels. Does that mean I get captured? That means you get captured. Oh, no!
Starting point is 00:36:53 That means the blacksmith sees you coming at him, and it's worse than getting captured. He fucking sees you coming, and he just slices one of your goddamn wings off with his sword, and blood is shooting out. You can still talk to your friends and stuff like that, but your flying days are over. That said, one of the Daniels gets away, right? One of the Daniels does get away from his guy
Starting point is 00:37:11 and starts running, but you weren't, your clever wasn't good enough to get his attention, right? No. Okay, so you're gonna have to try again to get his attention. He's just sprinting away because he feels like he's losing the fight. Does he have a hat or a toupee? Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:37:23 Does he have a toupee? Absolutely. Okay. He has a forest toupee? Absolutely. Does he have a toupee? Absolutely. Okay. He has a forest toupee made of twigs and moss. I want to grab the toupee off of him. All right. Roll quick. Oh, I rolled a three.
Starting point is 00:37:35 Damn. So the toupee just evades. It's so good. It's so life. You don't know what's real hair and what's fake hair, and you grab real hair instead. That should grab his attention, though. No, he just keeps running because he's so scared.
Starting point is 00:37:46 All right. Can I do anything, or am I down for the count? You can do anything that doesn't involve flying, let's say. Oh, no. Okay. I still have my mage hand, so. Can you fly with the unseen hand? Can I lift myself up with it?
Starting point is 00:37:58 Can it be like unseen wing? That's really funny. Yeah, you can do that. Explain that, Daddy Master. It'll be this, Daddy Master. It'll be dangerous because it's magic, but yeah, you can do that. Explain that, Daddy Master. This will be this, Daddy Master. It'll be dangerous because it's magic, but yeah, you can try to do that. If you fuck up, your own Mage Hand is going to crush you
Starting point is 00:38:10 and kill you and you'll be out of it. Oh, God. All right. In that case, I think we got to work on this one who's fighting. Right? Yeah. I'm trying to think if there's something I can do with Mage Hand to help get him out of the fight.
Starting point is 00:38:21 You could. Could I use Mage Hand to tie the guy's shoes together? Yeah, you okay do that i'm gonna i'm gonna use it to tie the shoes together of the guy who's fighting the daniel okay i need at least an eight clever god damn it i got a fucking four so that also matches your current danger level right because you failed last time i got another danger yes i suppose it does okay so uh you get like really close and try to mage hand the guy's shoes together, and then he just steps back and just fucking stomps you and just crushes you under a heel.
Starting point is 00:38:50 Oh, no! And unfortunately, you are dead. You can still give theories and stuff to these people, but in terms of being able to act, you are gone. My spirit is with you. Yes, you are Obi-Wan's spirit form. I think we need to take his corpse and stuff it down Chad's throat.
Starting point is 00:39:02 Or I am a woman now. Can I lay an egg into this man's throat? Sure. Should I just roll nature? Yeah, I guess you roll sly, I guess. You got one in the chamber, huh? You need to roll a nine sly. I got six.
Starting point is 00:39:24 Not quite good enough. So you stand on his fucking mouth and you're just trying to make it come, but you just can't. It just won't fucking come. I'm going to try dragging the corpse of our good crow friend over. Alright, roll fierce. Make him eat crow.
Starting point is 00:39:39 Two plus one, I'm danger. I hit three. Alright, so you try to pull him away and you two get stomped. It's not enough to kill you, but like... Breaks a wing, I think. It definitely breaks a fucking wing underneath, and you're like, fuck! And you also get another point of danger for the failure. I'm going to drag myself into his throat.
Starting point is 00:39:56 Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Like with one wing, like, son of a bitch. All right. Just roll whatever you like for that, and all you have to do is beat a six. Probably quick, clever, maybe quick. I'm one of those two.
Starting point is 00:40:07 Let's see. Eight! Yes! You managed to worm your way into his open mouth as he's gagging on this fucking poison. And I continue and I just put one feather ahead of the other and I keep pulling. So you just get inside of his fucking neck
Starting point is 00:40:19 and you just extend your wings and his esophagus is already so contracted from the poison that within 15 seconds of you doing that, you have managed to suffocate and kill the witch hunter. Wait, I've got one last death blow that I feel like I could add, and I don't even think I need a roll for it, maybe. I make dinner, eat it, and then feed it to him like a baby bird. Yeah, feed it to him violently.
Starting point is 00:40:43 Freddie, as you're in there, you feel vomit hitting your back. I'm like, what the fuck? Okay, so yeah, he is dead now. Now you just got to get his eyes and get gone. I'll just try to get his eyes with my little talons. Okay, go ahead and roll fierce. Got ten. Oh, okay, fantastic.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Two with one. Yeah, with two beautifully aimed talon scratches. He just doesn't have any fucking eyes anymore, and they're just in your goddamn talons. Fly! Fly like the wind! Freddy, see if you can get out of that throat. I think I'm dying in this throat, too. I died. Yeah, you just die in his throat.
Starting point is 00:41:12 Wait, set yourself on fire in his throat before you go. Before, yeah, yeah. A phoenix. Instead of trying to get out, I attempt make flame inside his throat. And I make flame on myself. Nine. So you fucking, you set yourself on fire within him.
Starting point is 00:41:27 And with the very last ounce of life he has in his body, he feels himself burning from inside. Not cool, bro. Not fucking cool. And he fucking dies. You have managed to escape with his eyes. You come back to the witch's body. You put the eyes on her.
Starting point is 00:41:44 She comes back to life. She's so fucking jazzed that this guy is dead as a thank you for all the work for her wooden creatures she revives both will and freddy it's a little bit more complicated because freddy keeps dying inside the guy's corpse after they he keeps suffocating over and she keeps me like why has he not come back yet it's been like weeks and oh fuck he was inside of his body so they go and they dig up the body and then cut open his throat and then Freddy is free. But yeah, you've successfully avenged the witch. Congratulations, you win. And then I go get the skateboard too. And then I become a professional owl skateboarder.
Starting point is 00:42:12 Yeah, this was like a movie. It'd be like the last frame. It was like you skating towards Cameron doing a kickflip in like freeze frames. Tony Owls. Yeah. Tony Owls pro skater. That's great.
Starting point is 00:42:23 All right. Well, that was the Witch is Dead. If you liked this, you can always, I think you can download a version of it for free online. Just Google Witch is Dead Grant Howitt. And he's got a bunch
Starting point is 00:42:31 of other really good ones like Honey Heist and all that stuff. So yeah. Check them out. Thanks, y'all. Thanks for listening.

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