Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 10 - Dad Me To Hell

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

We finally find out who wins the debate!!!This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. One hot sexy death, hounds of steel in his hand Demons straight from hell, burning rage cannot quell Nicolás Nicolás See how the bodies fall, save the sun, kill them all F-E-I-H-Q, see the flames as they spew Nicholas!

Nicholas! But with a word Lincoln is gone Back in the car Father and son Nicola! Button call and sexy dad Hot to see you in this happy

On straight from hell Working rich rich, cannot dwell in the land. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads unleashed an eldritch god and fucked shit up. That's right. We swear on this podcast. Damn.

You didn't think that we did, but we're allowed. We're recording this after 9 p.m., which means the swears can be done. We're allowed to. The kids are in sleep. Explicit tag. Careful, Tipper Gore. Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer.

Tread softly, faithful traveler, for swears about are you ready to have fun with a stranger in the alps my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift the cool ranger teen anime loving survivalist of the group taylor's teen fact this week we left taylor in the lurch a little bit the driver's seat of a car but luckily taylor is a little bit familiar with the driver's seat of a car because despite the world having like self-driving cars and all that stuff taylor asked and bothered his mom enough so that she got him a full i racing rig in the garage you know i'm talking about like those like like where it's like as he slows down it like tips forward to give him the momentum and stuff like a full-on rig the more you do your facts the less good of a mom she becomes the problem

when anthony's with her she's a good mom but then the more you talk is like oh she just spoils you just gives you everything now here's the funny thing about this setup because the setup is you know this crazy thing in the garage she has to park in the driveway of her own home taylor's use this this poor woman i command you to remove this the first time we go back to taylor's house she has thrown this shit out taylor has used this thing four times yeah just only one game works with it it's really hard it's hard and he can't win all the time yeah because it's not fun it's like this is not a fun game so taylor knows his way around a race car good you're not gonna be able to roll for that later you're not gonna be able to do with do it with advantage because you have iRacing because you only play it four times.

We only play it four times. It's fine. And it's not a whatever. No, no, no. I do have slight advantage if we happen to be at Laguna Seca. Yeah. If Taylor gets into an F1 car. Yeah.

If our adventures ever wind this way up to Monterey, California, where Laguna Seca is. Taylor's going to be like, I know this course kind of. Hey, everybody. This is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson. Well, howdy, Matthew Arnold. Well, howdy. That's right. Go to Patreon to check out our sons and sons ability.

Where Matt plays a cowboy. But not on this show. This show, I play a schooled-at-home sports kid named Lincoln Lee Wilson. And, okay, so quick fact, maybe the last fact of Lincoln. Yes, that's true. That's true. Yeah, I thought we just kind of had to jump ahead to, like, the big question stuff. Just really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it out of the way. Answer the question about what happens after death. You die. Yeah, so Lincoln just does not believe in God. I just want to know. Really? He's an atheist? He's just, just well i don't know if he's that

strong about it it's just so like when it was brought up like grant and marco were like you know they explain like people have different beliefs and so forth and so on there's no pressure whatever works for you whatever you want to believe in that's fine good dads yeah obviously daryl's like you know pro god and everything so so so link you know i'm firmly pro god so lincoln was kind of going back and forth and he dabbled in religion when when chelsea was in the championship so he's praying for the team yeah he's praying for he's praying for the team maybe i'll try this you know there's no atheist in a foxhole or in a championship watching a championship game and not only did chelsea lose

but his favorite star player broke his leg and was out for three seasons so he said either there is no God or if there is a God he's cruel so that's it I just don't believe in God anymore you don't yeah so that's it so really don't

feel sad if he dies because this you know because there's nothing for him Regina Spector wrote the song about you didn't she I don't get sad if he dies because this, you know, because there's nothing for us. There's nothing for us. Regina Spector wrote the song about you, didn't she? I don't get that reference. I'm sorry, Beth. Well, now you know how I feel half the time. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos.

I play Normal Oak, Perky Plain, Peppy Jane, Chipper Every, Cheery Day, School Garden Spirit, Variety, Mascot, Ordinary Teen. Fuck, I have to follow teen. He's really got his shit together. He's confused. Normal's got stuff going on. That debate really uncorked some things and some feelings and in honor of Normal's identity crisis,

I thought I would reveal Normal's real first name. What? A lot of people have been like, is it short for something? Is it really normal and like they're right it's not really normal that's why normal's full name is normally oak you fucker you little fucker i can't believe this you son of a bitch the moon in the room just collapsed yeah it's you know it's like what his mom calls him when she's really mad at him

like normally oak swallows garcia you know, like that kind of thing. That's a whole sentence. I support you. That's a good one. That's a whole sentence. You really got me. That's an unfortunate sentence given how aggressive his grandparents were sexually. Normally, Oakswall is Garcia.

Wow. Hi. Okay. I'm Beth May. I play Scary Marlow. A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. So last episode, Link shared his birthday, which I believe was like June something. To follow that up, I just thought that I'd share Scary's astrological sign.

So she was born in November, which would normally make her a Sagittarius, but she actually subscribes to a different kind of Zodiac. She was born in November, which would normally make her a Sagittarius, but she actually subscribes to a different kind of Zodiac. Oh, no. If you calibrate the Zodiac using a celestial planisphere, you see that between November 30th and December 18th, the sun occupies a less famous constellation, Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer. Like somebody who bears serpents? Yeah.

Serpent bearer, snake charmer. The 13th. I'm looking this up right now. This is like, this is hilarious. I knew it. She's such an Ophiuchus dude. What are the personality hallmarks of an Ophiuchus? Well, I mean, like, it's just kind of different from everybody else.

A lot of people fall into like one of the 12, you know, and like, it's just kind of different from everybody else. Wow, that really does describe Carrie. A lot of people fall into, like, one of the 12, you know, and, like, you know, normally so would she. But she's just not kind of like other people. She's just different. And so. She's just a lot like everybody else that was born in those 20 days, right? I mean, maybe if, like, you can find those people. But, yeah, like, pretty unique, actually.

When you said that you followed a different Zodiac, I thought you were about to pivot into like, she's really into following serial killers. Yeah, I thought that was what I was going to do. That's her sort of whole thing. This like is demoralizing. That would be such a better choice for me. I think that's a bad choice.

I don't know if it's a scary choice. According to the internet, they are described as insightful and curious and seekers of wisdom and knowledge, open to change and easily bored with routine. Well, no. She's not like that. Well, that was just a description of the Zodiac Killer.

All right. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, pops. My rad fact is that in high school, my favorite video game was Shadow of the Colossus for the PS2. Ah, yeah. Good one. That's a good one. I don't have a fun, embarrassing one. I just loved one of the PS2. Ah, yeah. Good one. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Real good one. I don't

have a fun, embarrassing one. I just loved one of the best games ever made, and I still do. The last time that we left our intrepid teens, the party had already been split, and then it split a second time in their attempt to escape from the final Boreanaz initiative. Boreanaz. Want to try that one again? Not really. We've cut it down to the last time I

tried it, but I tried it about five times and all those other four times they were also bad. So this is the best one you get. But as they were trying to leave the FBI, Nicholas Foster, who told Taylor that he was his father, broke them out, gave a ring of swapping to Taylor. Taylor gave that ring of swapping to Link, and Link used that to swap places with an incapacitated Nicholas Foster. So right now, in this particular moment, a bunch of FBI agents just fired at our good boy Link. And in the parking lot, Taylor's in the driver's seat of a car, their getaway car, and Nicholas Foster is in the getaway seat. Meanwhile, back at the school, the debate between the mayor

and our perky, peppy, chipper, normal, many things boy. The teen of many things. As well as Scary Marlo had completed. And I transcribed all of the things that you had said in the debate, showed it to everyone I knew that you had said in the debate, showed it to everyone I knew that did not listen to the podcast.

I can't believe you did this. Yeah, this is wild. And then had them decide which side had won. And then I'm going to modify some dice rolls and stuff based on that. So my first question for all of you is which of these three thrilling subplots would you like to jump into first?

Now, Link, Nick and Taylor, or Scary and Norm? If this was an episode of 24, you know they would have the guy that seemingly got shot at the end of the last episode and they would hold off till the very end of the next episode to resolve that cliffhanger. The question is,

do we want to do the audience dirty like that? I care more about the debate right now. I want the debate. I want the debate. Matt and I had to go first last time, so we have to do the debate dirty like that? I care more about the debate right now. I want the debate. I want the debate. Matt and I had to go first last time, so we have to do the debate first this time. Yes, you guys get to choose. But that's like a surprise. That's actually how Kiefer Sutherland did 24.

He was like, I already did it first time last time, so it has to be about the other part. Yeah, I kind of want to see, mostly because I'm just very curious about it. I really just want to know what your friend said about their arguments. Okay. This podcast seems real stupid. These are friends of mine that have good enough judgment to have never started listening to my podcast. Uh- This podcast seems real stupid. These are friends of mine that have good enough judgment to have never started

listening to my podcast. Uh-oh. So bless them. Smart people. Yeah, no, they know what they're doing. I'm only going to use their first names

just to protect their anonymity. I'm going to look them up and hurt them. Sure. The class murmurs amongst themselves as your closing arguments come to an end.

You get the feeling that not as many people in the classroom have not listened to Dungeons and Daddies as I thought. I only found three people in my circle of friends that don't listen. Not because I have a lot of friends or that they listen to a lot. I just don't know anybody. I don't know anybody outside of my work, except for these three people. I need to remember this. That's good. It is. The way that I was going to plan to do this was if the majority of outside witnesses believed that the players won, the nurture argument.

No, we were nature. Yeah, we were nature. We were nurture. Shh. You were nature. So to remind everybody, scary and normal were arguing in favor of nature as being the more dominant thing that determines.

And doing it really well. Doing so good. Sure. Because we were born to argue well about nature. Yeah, we were. We were born. It's in our nature. Can we get points now? Yeah, can we have extra points? No.

Call up the three friends that you have. Yeah, put them on speakerphone. I don't really, they're not real. I don't have friends. Basically, if the majority of the witnesses believe that the players won, you would get advantage on all the roles. I had you each roll persuasion every time you finished an argument. And so I would basically say, cool, I'll take the higher of those two rolls between

normal and scary. If the majority believe that the mayor won, then I would give you disadvantage on those rolls. And if it was close, I would just do the median between those two rolls. So because there's only three people, I consider that to be close because it was not a shutout.

It's two to one? Shut the fuck up, Matt. Split decision, dude. Split decision. That's close. My friend, Jin, thought that Nurture won pretty handily. Sounds like it should be your enemy, Jin. I mean, she's certainly your enemy.

Jen thought that Nurture almost lost it in the very end because of the crappy argument I made that you immediately picked up on, Will, which was that I was basically arguing for nature without realizing it, but that the opening arguments were too strong, so she went with nurture. And then Matt... Hey, guys. You're welcome. Matt actually doesn't listen to the show, so... I'll just give you his whole thing, because it's actually really well thought out. I know. Again, it's not you. He said, both sides are well argued, as I feel it's kind of the young thing to side with nature and an older thing

to look back and see the external influences in one's life. But I give it to the teens by a hair because of the mayor's hiccup and thinking that her nature is that of being an angry, bitter person toward her mom when that was due to a lack of nurture, which I believe also falls into the nature category. Also, if I were a teen classmate,

I'd side with the nobody's made me who I am side more than the you are the cosmic culmination of all your experiences camp. And then there's the free za, which is basically high school Shangri-La. So that's why Matt voted for the players. Matt came through in the clutch, but not enough. So basically you had some roles and then the mayor had some roles. The mayor's roles I just took straight up and your roles, I found the median between your two roles. So for the first argument, one of you rolled a 17, one of you rolled an 18.

So I just rounded up to 18. For the second argument, one of you rolled a 21 and one of you rolled a three, which medians out to a 12. And then for the final argument, one of you rolled a 14 and one of you rolled a 20,

which medians out to a 17. Centrism does work. So adding all that together, you got a 47. And then the mayor, listener, you can imagine how this is playing out like diegetically in the space. They all did the silent juror thing where you fucking put your pass or fail or whatever, then put it into a box or whatever. They're counting up these votes. And the box is decorated. Right. The mayor rolled an 18, a 15 and a 19. So

your final score was 47 and the mayor's final score was 52. Can I roll sleight of hand to juice this thing with some paper votes? You want to key swan this sheet? I want to stuff this ballot box real quick. Okay, go ahead and roll sleight of hand with disadvantage because everybody's looking at you. Scary, we're going to blow this. We got to stuff some ballots in this thing. Debates are like whatever. The real debate is like, do you guys want to look over there or over here at me where I'm doing something cool?

Don't look over there, that's for sure. What's the cool thing? You gotta give me a cool thing to look at. I'm singing and I don't need to look at you to sing, that's terrible. No, I'm singing or I'm doing some poetry. I also don't need to look at you to hear poetry.

Also terrible. Deception with disadvantage. If you succeed, then nobody will be looking at Link. Who's counting the ballot boxes? Because that's the only person you have to distract. Cool, that's a six. They're ignoring you. And the person counting the ballots, which is Normal's mom, is definitely focused on the box.

So if you want to try to sneak something out from your mom, I don't think there's a human being on the planet better suited to noticing you trying to do something shady. You will roll a disadvantage. I already rolled and I got a six. Okay. So she goes, what are you doing?

Mom. What are you doing, mom? Me? What are you doing? Are you trying to put, what's that in your hand? Show me your hand. Show me what's in your hand.

These were on the floor and I wanted to put them in because they were on the floor. They were on the floor. Okay. Well, they all say you, huh? Every single, in your handwriting,

all the same. No. I were on the floor. Okay. Well, they all say you, huh? Every single one. And your handwriting, all the same. No. I know what your handwriting looks like. I taught you penmanship. I taught you cursive because I thought it mattered. You would look over there when the agony is over here.

That's scary. This is your chance to stuff the ballot box. She's standing next to the ballot box. She was looking at the ballot box, pulling things out. Normal tried to suddenly drop in a fistful of crumpled up, sweaty fucking ballots with his own handwriting. You choose to live in the present.

One of the fucking ballots says, just me, I win. Without realizing the fear. But she goes, no, okay, that's unacceptable. You're trying to cheat. No. I should send you to detention. Actually, I'm going to. The world is full of danger.

Let's go, scary. The mayor's still there. And she goes, oh. He's near. Oh, I'm going to send you to detention. The world is full of danger. Let's go, scary. The mayor's still there and she goes, he's near. Oh, that's, ooh, you lost, oh no. In that moment, you feel the incursion point under the classroom get a little bit bigger and get a little bit bigger and it turns into another

white pimple. And the pimple is like the size of a desk and it's just sitting in the center of the front of the class. And the top of it just pops. Just a little pop. Well now we're totally fucked and it's all your guys' fault.

If you could just vote for us, I don't even know why I bother saving your asses. It starts to spray black pus through the room like a fountain, like a hose with your thumb over it. This black, goopy pus just sprays all over the smiling faces and the open mouths of many of your classmates. But not Kayla. Kayla ducks under a desk.

She's fine. The other kids, you see the pus sort of going into their eyes and like into the little tear duct. And some of them, it goes up their noses and stuff. That's such detail, bro. Yeah, sorry. They smile even bigger. And one of them says, one mind, many voices. And one of them says, one mind, many voices. And then another one says, one mind, many voices.

And another one says, one mind, many voices. And you hear a lot of the people in the class starting to say it. Mrs. Swalls O. Garcia didn't seem to get hit by this stuff. But she's like, OK, cool. That's a fun thing we're all doing. Yeah, voices. And yeah, unity is important. And the mayor begins to walk out.

And on her way out, she puts her hand on your shirtless torso, normal. And she says, you lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it. And she takes off her coat and she puts it around you to cover your shirtless body. It's like Indiana Jones. Yeah, it's exactly like Indiana Jones. Will, you're going to be very confused. She boops you on the nose and she just walks out of the classroom to who knows where.

But all the kids are just a little bit more happy and just a little bit more excited about local government. And they just think it's great to think the same thing and move the same. And everything's everything's great and good. So nobody saw the pinball. No, they didn't see it. Or if they did, they couldn't comprehend it. Yeah. Everybody that goes into that class is going to get a face full of muck. muck scary what do we do i think scary just like is destroying the classroom i think like

i think scary is just like i fucking did everything right i debated and then i tried to like everybody still got all this fucking happy juice like everything's fine but everything's not fine and nobody can see it fuck norm we're fucked shit what are we gonna do your mother says like hey let's be gracious losers you don't need to be cursing why don't you go ahead and take your seats no mom don't you see what's going on don't you see what's happening here i see a boy who tried to cheat and got caught and is now being very irrational actually both of you just go ahead and head to detention. We will talk when you get home. Yeah, fucking whatever. Let's go

to detention. There's nothing anybody can do here. Everybody's just a fucking sheep. You're a sheep. You're all sheep. I'm dragging Scary out of the room. Why don't you roll perception normal? 18. Oh, wow, with an 18.

There's something in your coat that the mayor gave you. There's something in the coat pocket. Okay, so as I'm dragging scary out of the room, I feel whatever's in the coat bump against my leg and I reach in to dig it out. 15 daddy war bucks. What? At this point, I fucking wish that we had gotten hit

with the fucking pimple juice. Then we could be happy about something. Whoa, you're loaded, man. How does she have money from our thing? I want to summon May Hales. Yeah, May Hales left with you. Okay. She takes off her like teen mask.

She's like, the reason I look so youthful and cool is because I was wearing this mask over my face that just a perfect approximation of me when I was 16. That's all she has to say? Everything that just happened? Well, no, because it blocked all the pus. So I'm not, I don't have the sauce. May, you voted for us, right?

What the fuck? So moving forward, what we need to focus on is, you biffed this one pretty bad. You know, the mayor's got kind of maybe a little army in your school of other kids. That's not great,

but I'm trying to find an upside. What is she doing with this money? How does she have the money from daddies? Yeah, these are daddy warbucks. That's odd. She shouldn't know about that. That's really weird. How do we know it's her coat?

Your dads are in the other realm, right? Maybe they had daddy warbucks on them. Maybe it's my real dad's coat. I examine the coat. Yeah, roll investigation. I got a natural 20. Natural 20. So the natural 20, you can tell that the coat itself is just a normal coat from this realm. There's something

special about the coat, but the Daddy Warbucks themselves, they have a specific smell to them that is unique to the kinds of cigarettes that Lark likes to smoke. You can tell that these were- Herbals. Herbals, yeah.

But he likes how they make him look kind of gruff. Basically, you can tell from a 20 that the minions of the doodler have some sort of access to your fathers on the other side of wherever they are in that other realm. I don't know how to explain this, but this money smells like my uncle. This is Uncle Daddy Warbucks. But is it your uncle's coat? I don't know whose coat it is. It's just kind of a nice, sensible women's,

you know, Talbot's stretch coat. Oh, say no more. Page 42 in the catalog. Wow. Don't ask me how I know that. A White House black market. Oh my God. What do we do?

I feel like Link and Taylor, they're really kind of the take charge guys. What the fuck do you mean they're the take charge? I can take charge. By all means. By all means, Scary, take charge. Take charge, because I'm just a kid in my underpants over here, wearing a sensible Talbots women trench coat with my uncle money, and I don't know what's going on.

So if you got an idea- I think we got to go to the purple door. Huh? We need help. Wait a second. Wait a second. Link's dad said need help wait a second wait a second Link's dad said something about

pressing a button on a door back at daddy's headquarters yes yeah why don't we go press that button maybe there's something back there

someone who can tell us what to do just something to point us in the right direction not that I like when people tell me to do but I do agree

that we could use a little yeah a point in a better direction. Grant had told you that there was a hidden little rivet, basically a button, on one of the seemingly random many doors in Riton's dungeon. And if you headed down and pressed that button, then the door would open and give you something important for Code Purple.

You go down with May Hales, you find the button, you press the button, it opens up and inside is a dial that has some writing on it. And May goes, oh, okay, I think this actually fits onto the amplifier. I found the amplifier. You found the amplifier? Yes, because you asked me to, you know, search for it in the directories and stuff and I found it. She brings out the amplifier and it just looks like a normal ass guitar amplifier, but there are big pieces missing from it. On the top of it, you can see that there is what looks like an open jewelry case, but there's nothing inside of it. On the side, you can see that there is just a tiny pinprick size little hole. And then on the front

of it, in addition to all the dials for like, I don't know, gain, mono, bass, whatever, I don't know what the amplifiers say. And they're all turned to 11, obviously. There is a missing dial there that says Realm on it. And so she plugs that dial into the amplifier and goes, okay, I see what this is. The dial that says Realm has a bunch of different words on it that maybe mean something to you, maybe they don't. One of them says Earth. One of them says Fey Realm.

One of them says Infernal. One of them says Earth. One of them says Fey Realm. One of them says Infernal. One of them says Goofs. What? Goofs? You also notice on the dial itself, Earth and Fey Realm have been crossed out. So she goes, yeah, I feel like there's some other parts we probably need to, like, properly figure this out and fix this. Fix the amp? Yeah, to find out whatever it does.

And then I guess we could hypothetically do this to enact Code Purple. You know, my grandfather told me one time about an ancient realm that he studied as a young man, a place with two brothers and their father, and they had these books that would let them travel to other realms and other worlds. And there were all these puzzles

that they had to do to figure out how to go between the realms. That is the CD-ROM game Myst. Yes, Myst. Is this Myst? Are we playing Myst? Is that what this is?

Is Myst real? I grab him like, is Myst real? She's like, bring me the blue pages. Where are the blue pages? She goes, no, I don't think Myst is real. I have a copy of it.

If you want to play it, it actually holds up. It's not the worst. It's pretty good. But yeah, I don't know. It seems like whatever this machine is, it involves something to do with realms. Infernal looks cool as hell. Yeah, yeah, Infernal looks cool.

We got to figure out how to work the rest of this thing. It can probably take us to where our dads are. Yeah, yeah. Infernal looks cool. We got to figure out how to work the rest of this thing. It can probably take us to where our dads are. Yeah, I don't know. She once again sort of hooks her head over the side of the railing and can see that Grant and Normal's outlines in the Umagara fault door are glowing. So you've got enough daddy magic to sort of unlock that door. So now it just comes down to Taylor and Scary sort of getting you into a place where you can, you know, have a moment with your dads and then

maybe you can open that door maybe by that point Mae says you'll figure out what to do with this purple thingy you're talking like I have to have a moment with Terry Jr. before I can actually get yeah well think about it look okay Scary like I know it seems like you and your stepdad have you asked me if I wanted kale

chips the other day I'd rather die I mean that doesn't sound that bad i gotta be honest with you like my dad told me he's not proud of me and like that sucked a lot not to play like you know bad dad olympics but like you know i'm pretty sure you're coming in silver right now so like just i don't know i'm look here's my whole point we talked to my dad my dad told me he wasn't proud of me which you know if whatever but my uncle told me about the amplifier and i guess it did send you on that cool like self like realization sort of spiral i don't know like i meant to say norm like the end of that debate was like pretty clutch you did a pretty good job i guess you yeah you know i kind of wish you did a good job too okay shut up whatever

all right fine whatever yeah yeah i guess i'll just fucking do this thing talk to my fucking stepdad may hails mrs hails how do we find her dad how we find terry the other incursion point that i noticed as i was looking over the drone footage was that there was the one remaining incursion spot that you haven't checked out would be in the drama uh class so it's entirely possible given the fact that each of your dads have been near the other incursion spot that you haven't checked out would be in the drama class. So it's entirely possible, given the fact that each of your dads have been near the other incursion points, that Terry Jr. might be there as well. Well, let's go there, I guess. Although, you know who else might be fucking near the drama class? Oh, who? A certain thespian. A certain worthy thespian. I like him.

He's cool now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you guys he'd be cool, and I was right. I just want to put that out there. I was right about that. All right, let's go. I got a text from Taylor that Taylor's going to do in the next scene if he remembers. I can't tell you what's on it because we don't know what situation he's in because we're recording this before the Taylor scene. We're going to go to drama class, but first let me check that text. And I grab your phone and I go, oh, my God. Yeah, and then we cut to.

I grab your phone and I go, oh my God. Yeah, and then we cut to. I will say what's happening in the car right here is Taylor immediately confuses the brake pedal for the gas pedal and just starts accelerating. I can't slow it down. The brakes are out. So Nicholas Foster grabs you with his one remaining arm and goes, no, come on, I'll drive

and tries to pull you out of the seat. Are you going to resist him? I'm trying to resist because it looks like there's a demon with me. I'm pushing even further down. So now we're just, I'm flooring it. So we will do an opposed strength check. He's a demon.

He just killed 40,000 people in front of you. Six plus three, nine. Let's see if you can. Oh, shit, dude. You got a 10. Oh, damn it. So he yoinks you out of the driver's seat and switches places with you

and plops you down in the passenger seat. And the car was pointing toward where the group of FBI dudes had their guns pointed at Link. And we just see all the muzzle flares. You see a lot of muzzle flares. And Nicholas goes like, that's enough of that. And fucking peels out and just turns in the opposite direction and then just guns it away from the FBI facility. Whoa, hold on. That was my friend back there.

And he goes, not anymore. It doesn't matter. No, we have to turn around. We got to save him. That's my best plan. No, we don't have to do anything. Look, the only thing that matters is that you stay safe. You cannot trust anyone.

Well, then I shouldn't be trusting you. Good idea. That's smart. I'm trying to unbuckle and dive out of the car. I know it's not my scene really good, but can I roll to see if Lincoln heard Taylor

say he's his best bud? Yeah. Roll perception with disadvantage because it's over the sound of gunfire. I won't say my number. I'll just say that

the only thing he's hearing is gunfire. So yeah, you try to leap out of the car. You try to ladybird it. So he... It's a well-known maneuver. Never the car. You try to ladybird it. So he- It's a well-known maneuver. Never change locations.

I'm a ladybird. In the future, the Lady Bird series goes on to be about how she becomes a spy. Jason Bourne, and that becomes her maneuvers. Greta, if you're listening, please. That becomes her code name. Call me Lady Bird. Lady Bird.

What will she jump out of in this movie? Jumps into trouble. Okay, so we're going to do an opposed dexterity check. So go ahead and roll any dexterity related thing. Be like acrobatics, athletics to see if you can dive out of it. Okay. I think I just take my head and I just plant it through this passenger window. Yeah.

I'm doing a very coordinated move, which is my left hand is going to unbuckle my seatbelt and my right hand is going to pull the door open and go out. But I biff it on the seatbelt and the door is already locked and I forget to unlock it because I'm trying to do everything stacked at once. So then I just plant my head. Somebody left the ladybird locks on. She left the ladybird locks on. The ladybird locks are on and I just.

The Metcalfs. She actually became a TikTok sensation. It was kids who would start ladybirding by jumping out of moving cars. Then a couple kids died. So then they had new regulations that put ladybird locks on the doors. Ghost Lady the Bird. Wow. Yeah, so I think I just like headbutt the passenger window.

Yeah, really fucking hard. Oh, fuck. And he goes, yeah, no ladybirding in this fucking house. Well, how am I? Okay. Look, look. I saw you ice all those dudes. You could save my friend.

Yeah, I could, and I'm not going to. Why not? Because I need to keep you safe. Well. If the FBI gets either of us, it's over for our entire family. You have a lot of fucking family that rely entirely upon them not finding us and getting control of us. Let's start with the most important thing. Are you my dad?

Yes. Oh, my gosh. I literally said that on the way out of the thing.'re just piecing that yes i knew it i knew i came from we look the same i knew i came from heartier stock than these mere mortals okay that's a little i don't love that but like okay yeah yeah can i text my friend to see if he's okay no because then they'll be able to track the wait you still have your phone? And he grabs your phone. Hey!

He just fucking throws it out the window. Did he remember to unroll the window before he threw it out the window? He throws it through the now exploded passenger window. Your failed ladybird left a Greta Gerwig-sized hole in the fucking thing, and he just tossed the phone out of there. And he goes, okay, but they fucking can't track you. Like, I know you go to school. It would be a Saoirse Ronan-sized hole, actually. You're right.

You're right. You're right. Damn. I gave too much credit to the director. If you're my dad, where have you been? Hell. That's pretty cool, but like. Yeah, no, I agree. I've been taking care of your granddads to some extent

and also trying to fight the doodler. And there was like a lot of. Granddads. I was having fun with your fucking friends, dads and stuff for a while, but they, uh, they fucked me over. So not so much anymore.

Here's what you need to know. Here's what you need to know. You go to school, right? You do all that shit. Um, yes. Uh,

no, not anymore. Don't do any of that. Yes. Correct. Hell yeah. The only job you have now, fucking keep on the road,

keep alive, get into fucking adventures, fucking solo shit. Like meet somebody. They're your friend for like 45 minutes and then just keep on the road. Keep alive. Get into fucking adventures. Fucking solo shit. Like meet somebody. They're your friend for like 45 minutes and then just keep on fucking trucking. Like just to live that life. Okay. You cannot connect yourself to any of these people.

They're just going to betray you. You're saying I need to forego all my worldly connections and walk away from everything that I built up in my life. Yeah. Be ready to leave on a moment's notice when you feel the heat coming around the corner. Yeah. And they're telling me the heat

is coming around the corner now? Yeah. So I'm going to do what Robert De Niro in the hit film Heat could never do, which is not die in a gunfight in the middle of the field. I'm really bummed out about my friend, though. Is there anything we can do? Yeah, you can uh flowers to his mom

look you're gonna see a lot more friends die before this is over and if you're gonna survive that's the most important thing is fucking getting out of this shit alive you're gonna have to get a fucking hard heart about this shit look at it look at this arm this is my favorite arm i'm searching i'm crying about it i'm searching the car for like the sunglasses holder or the glove compartment. Uh, they have those. I'm searching for like

a pair of shades. Uh, okay. Yeah. There's a pair of like aviator shades on under the sun visor. I'm going to put those on

and I'm going to like, can you unlock the sunroof? I'm not going to jump out. Yeah. Okay. Just a little hot in here. Unlocks the sunroof. You're kind of on fire.

Okay. And I stand outside with my cool shades on on i turn back wind blowing in my hair as the fbi like thing disappears behind me and i shout into the void lincoln i will avenge you i think the text message is literally to the group text. It says, goodbye, my friends. I start my journey today. I will never, ever see. Lincoln has died and I will never see you again. Let it be known. I said this before he threw it out.

Let it be known. Wait, he threw my phone out. How's he getting a text message? So the text message just says dog emoji, whale emoji. Some people have all the luck. So what does it say? Does it say the thing you said or does it say dog emoji? No, it just says dog emoji, whale emoji. You have no information as to what the fuck

is going on. We'll come back to what we think the text message means in a second. Link. This won't be long. Before anything, I just want to say the first moments, despite everything going on, despite the courageous action years later as he faced the firing squad. Despite the sound of bullets. The first thought that goes through my mind is, I hope Taylor is okay.

I hope Scary is okay. And I hope that debate went pretty well, because I'm sure those guys are thinking of me too. Shell casing hit the ground close my eyes i go don't shoot but because they were aiming at an adult man's head and you're a child they all aimed like roughly like four inches above where your head was you have said that you're tall for your height well yeah like his six three'3". You said he was 6'3"? I said he was 6'3". That's like a Slenderman sort of scenario.

That's supernatural. But I could have definitely... How tall is Nick as a demon? I was seated in a car, so when I teleported, I'm like on the ground already. God, I feel like we're in JFK right now. Yes, it's true. Magic bullet.

I don't want to die, but I can honestly want to make sure my height is taken into consideration. I feel like we're analyzing the Subruder film. When Nicholas was bamfed away, he was standing. And when you come in, you're sitting. So even though, oh boy, you could feel those bolts right above your head with your 6'2

fucking head. You could feel yourself getting a haircut, a lead haircut. What we should have done is just let fans speculate as to how Link survived and waited for them to come up with a bunch of theories. And then we could just go bleakly represent them like it could have been any of those. Yeah, just a very who shot nice guy Eddie kind of thing.

You get a haircut, you immediately go into the feet position or something, I assume, and duck down. Oh shit, stop shooting, stop shooting. I'm like spinning like that Homer, like when Homer spins on the ground. through the water as a fucking as a rain of fucking shell casings is coming down like hitting you and they're hot and uh you hear a voice of the fbi agent that came to your home and threatened your dad going stop fucking stop stop ever cease fire cease fire cease fire and all the fbi agents stop and they go oh it's like oh and they all get psyched

that they didn't just kill a kid on accident this This guy goes, hey, you're coming with me. And he grabs you by the scruff of your neck and he pulls you back into the elevator. And on the way down, he says, look, I'm not going to hurt you. What you just you already have. Hey, did we shoot you? Yeah. You just missed. You guys are bad at it. That's not the definite shooting. Somebody is successfully shooting. Did I shoot at you? I't say i we did shoot attempted murder i'll it was not it was not attempted it was attempted to kill the other well look the point is and the door is open and he leads you into a separate little interrogation room and he goes just have a seat you're not in trouble like not like how you think okay and he closes the door behind him

and there's a little keypad code and he puts that in to closes the door behind him and there's a little keypad code and he boop, boop, boop, puts that in to lock the door behind him. And he takes out a bag of blue powder and he puts it on the table in front of you. And he says, it's not gonna hurt you. This is like a truth telling powder. I just need to know what you know

and then we'll let you go. Sir, if you were in my position, what percent chance do you think you would do this after everything that's happened? Okay, all right. So he opens up the bag, and he takes a sniff of the powder, and you see his eyes get a little bit of blue,

a little bit of fucking spice. The spice dude from Dune, dude. A little bit of the spice. Straight up from the fucking David Lynch Dune. Yeah, so he's got a little bit of spice, and he goes, ask me anything. Do you love your parents? No.

Oh, no, no. I don't know if I can trust you. Ask me something else. Ask me like a more variant, like something else. Do you have kids? Yes. Do you love them?

Yes. Would you want one of them to take this blue dust? If I really needed them to tell me something that was of a matter of like national or global security? Yes. But otherwise, no, because I'd want to let them have their own boundaries and sort of decide what to tell me. If your kid came to you and said, Dad, I'm scared.

I met my new friend's dad and I think he's a demon and he killed a lot of people. And the people I thought that were good and in charge, the FBI, they kidnapped me and and now a strange man is making me have blue dust what would you tell him to do what would you tell him to do and i hold my i put my hand out like scared i would tell him to calm down okay and think about his options i don't have any well there you go i think you may have just answered your own question. Okay. All right. I mean, yeah, I'll tell you.

I mean, I don't even need the blue stuff. I'll tell you the truth. I mean, okay, sure. All right, so he gives you a Ziploc bag and you just inhale. Yeah, $100 bill rolled up. Oh, who killed JFK? Marilyn Monroe, weirdly.

Wow. That's like, if I knew this, I don't want to pay any taxes ever. All right, I inhale the blue dust. Oh, you rub some in your gums first? You put some on your pinky and you rub some in your gums. All you have to do is just open the bag and smell. The vapor is sort of getting. What does it smell like, bro?

Home. Wow. Yeah, it does. It smells like home. It smells like, bro? Home. Wow. Yeah, it does. It smells like home. It smells like things that make you feel safe. It smells like nostalgia. And you feel less that you're being like mind controlled into telling the truth. It's more like you just feel safe telling the truth in this space.

Bro, steal some of this powder. I want to steal this powder. That's fair. I do. I already have. I have a lot of it at home. Can I have some? No.

What I want to ask you is, did you know about Nicholas Foster? Who? The dad? The demon? The demon. They just came through here and killed a bunch of my men. I mean, I have a friend named Taylor and I knew he had a dad, but like his name's Swift. So like, no, I mean, I didn't know.

Okay. Have you been intentionally trying to deceive us at any point? Yeah. I mean, you guys totally heard. I'm assuming you heard it. I was like telling them everything that we did. I told them all about our meeting and like, we had like the bracelets and I gave all my friends bracelets.

Like I was making sure that you guys didn't hear that. I was telling them that because I cared about my dad's. Can we resolve whether or not they actually heard our conversations? Well, that's what I'm sure. That's what they'll say right now. Thank you for telling me that we couldn't hear anything over the flashback,

and one guy throws off his headphones in frustration. He's like, God damn it! These kids are so fucking good! I just can't hear anything. We were so busy laughing about the female body inspector thing that we genuinely never recovered from that moment. We lost all intel until that creepy lady sort of spoke into your thing. So, yeah, you didn't know anything.

You just happened to meet this Taylor kid. So you're part of a, what the dad, the daddy's thing, right? Uh, yeah. How close are you to,

uh, finding out what code purple is? Uh, you probably know more than I do. It's just that I was told it's a, it's another option. Oh yeah. You know,

if, if my friend Taylor was here, he would, he would, he would be really good at this stuff. And I think he would, let me think what he would say. Uh, no, not that. Okay. He would say say what do you know about code purple and then i can be

like yeah that's i know that too okay uh as far as we know code purple is a means of forcibly and in an emergency situation saving people from the doodler it doesn't hurt the doodler it's just a means of putting some distance between a population and the doodler oh that'd be i mean yeah that's what we're trying to do that'd be really helpful doodler solution cool yeah you know more than us we just literally know the name oh it's an amplifier or something something with an amplifier like yeah i don't know i don't know a lot about the specifics you're okay well you asked me what i knew so i was just like you know well thank you for being forthcoming maybe our two information like we got a little bit more together okay cool so yeah so there's an amplifier okay that's good to know great job yeah uh do you know well thank you for being forthcoming our two information like we got a little bit more together okay cool so yeah so there's an amplifier okay that's good to know

great job yeah uh do you know a way into hell what um yeah i know a lot of ways into hell um there's a lot to get to the infernal plane you haven't seen taylor moving in and out of the infernal plane like a fiery portal before you die but like when you die, like, you know, be a bad person, lie to your parents, don't love to your... No, it doesn't look like that. But no, nothing about... No, I don't know any... I didn't know you could go to hell now. Honestly, I didn't even know if I really believed in hell, but like...

Okay. So wait, hell's real? Hell's real. What, is heaven real? No. What? Wait. Yeah, sorry, man.

It's just hell. Okay, but wait, is hell what happens after you die? I don't know that. I just know that there's a hell and that Taylor is part hell demon and that. It's just hell. Okay, but wait. Is hell what happens after you die? I don't know that. I just know that there's a hell and that Taylor is part hell demon and that his dad is from hell. Wait, but what happens when you die? You go to hell.

Wait, are you telling the truth? I mean, as far as I know. As far as you know, okay. Some people, when they die, they go to hell. Some people, when they die, we lose all track of them. But we also don't have a lot of good visibility into hell is the devil real i mean yeah there's like a guy in charge of hell wait is he god is there a god i don't know it's got what okay like i'm telling you everything i know i'm not fucking with you so here's okay here's here's here's what i

understand about hell or is this like an afterlife it's just like a general let me lay it out as best as i understand oh this is some strong stuff this This is hurting. Can I have some more? Yeah, go for it. That felt safe. Go for it, man. That's not like home. You're freaking me out. It's safe. You can't overindulge on this stuff.

Okay, so you know they call them like planes of existence, right? Planes. Like Magic the Gathering. I don't know what that is. The planeswalkers. I don't know. I've been having sex. I don't know what that means.

Well, you're going to hell. This guy. This guy's not. No, I did it after I got married. I've been having sex. I don't know what that means. Well, you're going to hell. This guy. This guy's not. No, I did it after I got married. I'm safe. They call them planes. You know, the material plane and the other plane, the fade plane. They're not really planes.

They're more like plates stacked on top of one another. Right? We're all, they're all the same. That's what you come up with, Anthony? Yeah. They're like plates. Right? And they're all sort of one on top of another.

They got like little rims? Yeah, they got rims. It's like a flat plane. They got all sort of similar outlines. Like imagine plates with stuff drawn on them. Yeah. You know, like all this, the ink bleeds through.

Oh, this stuff is strong. Oh. But anyway, the point is, you can move from one plane to another, from one plate to another sometimes, right? Yeah. And so I think that your dads, they tried to move to another plate

that's got more doodler stuff to like kill the doodler or something like that. But then meanwhile, there's a hell plate and hell plate people are trying to like, I don't know, do crazy weird hell stuff and invade us. But I think more importantly, the American government and the people I represent, they said like, oh, there's a whole hell

and we don't have any taste of that. We can wet our beak with a little hell hell hell magic hell energy so are you sure you're that's all interesting but like so of all these plates there's one plate you go to when you die and that's hell but like the other plates that doesn't make any sense is like on the bottom is like the smallest one so when you die you fall down all the plates no the hell one's like close it's weird okay it's like there's like five plates like us in hell are like on the bottom? Is it like the smallest one? So when you die, you fall down all the plates? No, the hell one's like close. It's weird. Okay. It's like, there's like five plates.

Like us and hell are like in the middle. Like, I don't even know what's on some of the other plates. So my dad's in one of those plates. Your dad, your dad's are on one of those plates. Yeah. Okay. Well, can you help us? Can we come?

Like, we're just four kids. Yeah. Yeah. I don't care. I don't care about your dad's or the doodler. Oh, well, you know, fuck you, buddy. Yeah, that's fair. The only thing that matters to me is finding a way into hell because they might be invading us sometime like the fucking

that nick foster guy he's killed a lot of people he worked with your dad and your dad's friends before i got a question for you buddy what anybody up there that died that you're like okay with being dead yeah okay yeah you don't seem like a good person well i mean what you come on you never you don't know what it's like to have a job where there's not a lot of upward mobility that sounds like we do know what that is oh yeah i guess you do but no it's just there was this guy trying to get my job and then he's and he's gone now and that's slightly more convenient for me but but mostly I'm sad about what happened. Okay. But what am I going to ask you to do?

Yeah. Would you be the guy that helps us get into hell and prevent hell stuff from ruining earth? Like they could be sending an armies. They could be building armies. We don't know what's in there. They could be planning assassins. If there are any of them are as bad as Nick Foster,

then things are going to get really bad really quickly if that door opens okay yeah i'll help you but you gotta help us like because we're just four kids so like i don't want hell to invade earth or whatever like i don't want more people to die but like i also need to save like my dad and like i got three friends now and like they got dads or like a stepdad and like a demon dad which i guess like we don't need to save anymore but like we need your help too because we're weighing over our heads like i just went to school like last week and now i'm like like you're the fbi wait are you the fbi but you're like telling me to stop help but yeah okay we'll help yeah sure yeah no i'm not yeah i'm not gonna help you yeah yeah i'm sure you do because your kids i'm not gonna do any of that i don't care

about you in the slightest you're misunderstanding this is not a negotiation this is me uh what do you call it is a threat um you're gonna do this or again i'll you know i'll make sure your your remaining dad goes into was it jail like you won't have him as a dad anymore so you're gonna just uh find a way i can't lie right now right right okay if you take my dad away i will do everything i can to bring hell down upon you and your family and everybody that you've ever loved and I guarantee you it will happen. Okay. Oh yeah, boy! Yeah!

So he reaches out and grabs you by the nipple and twists really hard. Roll a constitution saving throw. The 19. Yeah, baby! Fucking rock hard! Locker room antics don't intimidate me, sir. His face fucking drops. He takes a step back

and his fucking eyes go wide. He goes, all right. All right. I didn't know I was dealing with a certified badass. No, sir. I'm just a daddy.

Wink. I'm tired. no sir i'm just i'm just a daddy you have kids huh you have kids no and that's why we're you said oh god they're called daddies i forgot yeah that's weird oh god yeah what do you want what i i want you to go yeah i'm gonna stop hell or whatever i'll do that i want you you to capture Taylor and bring him to us. Oh, or his dad. I got to tell the truth. So, like, I mean, I'm going to go. I'm going to go figure out that situation, and then I'll probably decide if I want to help you or not on that part. But I will stop.

I don't think you're telling me the full truth. I think you're lying. Well, I mean, like, if I go take another whiff, I'm just like, look, I'm saying, like, I don't know what're telling me the full truth. I think you're lying. Well, I mean like if you, if I go take another whiff, I'm just saying, look, I'm saying like, I don't know what's, if I go there and like he's killed Taylor cause he's a demon. And then like,

yeah, I'm going to like take him down. But if I go over there and he tells me like a really sad story and like he's misunderstood, like I'm probably going to like want to help them. I'm just telling you, I'm just telling you the truth. So like I am going to try to stop hell from invading earth. Okay. Yeah. No, i mean you're being honest

so like honestly try me or whatever you could like no i mean i could kill you i'm not gonna kill you like i'm tempted to i am tempted to because you saw a lot of stuff you shouldn't see but also nobody's gonna believe you because you're a fucking kid yeah so i just i guess i guess just go home like i guess it's fine okay i would appreciate you want me to stop hell right yes i want you, I want you to bring Taylor to us so that we can get into hell and stop the invasion before it starts. That's what I want.

Again, if he's a good guy, he's probably going to want to help you too. Whatever. Yeah, you'll make your fucking decision. God, I hate my life. Oh, no. I didn't know that. Oh, my God. Is that true? I love my kids. Okay, That one's true. That's good.

That's good. That's good. You, I enjoy being physically into. No, I don't. I guess I don't. Whoa.

Wow. Do I still have to be here for this? I'm asexual. Oh my God. I'm asexual. I've been just doing it because like socially I'm supposed to. Oh, that's totally normal.

That's cool. Yeah. Thanks. It is cool. Yeah. I mean, it's not cool. Some people'm supposed to Oh that's totally normal That's cool Thanks it is cool Some people think it's weird but no that's cool Well yeah but screw what they think I think it's really neat That you're like using this like I don't know Like I don't feel better about you but like I feel better for you That you're getting to know who you are

Your feelings about me are like Your responsibility and like I could just be Responsible for my own stuff. And right now I'm thinking I want to go home and not have sex. Man, me and you every day, man. That's how I do it. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge Indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from Indigenous voices.

We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Let's cut back to Nick and Taylor in the car. Hey, if you're my dad, prove it. What's my mom's name? Do you even remember my mom?

Look at the muscle man on Anthony's face. How would we come back to this? The last we saw you was you screaming, lincoln i went to my dad that year that you cut back like wait he goes okay no i got i got something for this i got something for this and he reaches into his coat and there's a bunch of empty sealed syringes inside the jacket pocket of his whoa whoa whoa it's not a drug thing gruff the crime doc said to say no to drugs i know it's look no it's look it's empty. No. Look, it's empty. They're not drugs.

And I'm not going to use it on you. Watch. And he jams it into the back of his own neck with the plunger depressed already. His eyebrows raise and his eyes begin to twitch. And he pulls back on the plunger. And a gray, wispy fluid kind of begins to fill the chamber of the syringe. And he pulls it out and he goes, okay, so you can, like, I guess you could eat this?

What the fuck, bro? I thought we were gonna have a Maury episode. I have to pee. I have to pee. Pull over. I have to pee. I'm just gonna pee right in here. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah, okay, fine. If you try to run, I'll be able to stop you. I'm very fast, so go ahead. So where are we going? Where are we going? So he pulls over. Let's describe my surroundings, bro.

Paint me a fucking picture so I can role play in this, dude. You're in the Southern California desert. You pull over. There are tumbleweeds. There are cacti. There is a lot of just like shitty dead shrub brush that will never know the taste of water, but it survived as well as it can out here. I'm about to change that.

Fuck yeah. Okay. well as it can out here i'm about to change that okay and so i'm gonna take a few steps out and i'm just gonna fucking unload my bladder onto these parched ass plants and i'm gonna take stock of my situation all right so what do i have my anything my go bag i do have everything in my belt my survival belt is set where's uh nick nick is uh stepping outside of the car to watch you from behind. He pees also, but it's fire. It's just this cold flame. You know what? Yeah, that's what he does.

That's what he does. He goes like, I might as well drain it too. And he gets next to you and he goes, just fucking just look straight ahead. It's all good. And he's going to make a weird noise. And a fucking flamethrower comes out and he just lights the fucking, you were getting,

that plant, for the first time in its life, for the first time in its long, long life, it understood what it was to have moisture. Oh, how delightful. Oh, what rapture. And then it's burned to a crisp in a second. And he goes like,

and he's like, leg twitches a little bit. It starts a wildfire. Yeah, it starts a wildfire. He's like, oh shit. Well, that's not our problem. Shake off a few drips of molten flaming lava here at the end. Actually, I could just inject you with this, and then you would get the memory.

I'm going to slap it out of his hand and try to go for the car. Oh, my God. All right, go ahead and roll dexterity. You said trust nobody, dude. Yeah, no, that's great. That's good. Just turn and pee on him, and he'll... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is. You put him out. That's what it is. I turn, and I pee on him a little bit. Okay, roll. And in that moment, I'm also using my gargantuan powers of self out. That's what it is. I turn and I pee on them a little bit. Okay, roll. And in that moment, I'm also using my gargantuan powers of self-control to cut off the stream.

I know. Dexterity 17 plus one. 18. So with your 18, you successfully kegel and then fucking drench your daddy. And he goes, oh, gee, come on, man.

That's a distraction. I need it. All right. So give me a dexterity or athletics. Give me athletics. 14 plus one, man. That's a distraction. I need it. All right. So give me a dexterity or athletics. Give me athletics. 14 plus 115. You got a 17. So you make it all the way to the driver's seat of the car of the truck.

And you feel his hand grab the scruff of your jacket. And then he goes, sorry about this, but this is the quickest way. And then you feel a pinprick in your neck. He depresses the plunger. Your pupils dilate. And you zoom back to a memory of what looks to be your mother when she was very, very young in a hospital with her legs up in stirrups. She's got a big old belly. Your eyes are kind of watery. You can kind of barely make out that it's your mom through the blur.

And you see in this memory yourself looking down at a baby, you hear, uh, your dad say, uh, welcome to the world, Taylor. Uh,

what name did I choose for myself? I guess Swift. Yeah. Taylor Swift. Hey, what's up? Oh, hi.

And then you see him and your mom teaching a little boy how to walk and you fall over. You know, my dad's been around though. They go, oh, that's okay. That's okay.

And then you're at a party and you're talking to what look to be younger versions of the other dads and you turn and you see that all the other kids are in a little playpen together you see him walking through the woods at night following these dads and they're all wearing body armor and they have swords and and rifles that glow with an ethereal light god damn we got so fucking cool after the end of the season one, dude. And that's not your characters, this is the kids. This is the sons. This is the sons.

This is the sons. You see a big hole open in front of you in the woods with a red flaming portal that seems to lead to some nefarious dimension. And you see all the other three turn on you and they start blasting. And you don't even shoot back. You just put your hands up in confusion as a wait, wait, wait.

And then a flaming bullet hits your left arm and incinerates it down to the bone in front of you. And then the bones crumble down into nothing. And then you're just running and you're running and you're running and you see hell and you see an old man who is just DJing all night long. You see Lionel Richie's song all night long. Yeah, he's playing all night long on the DJ, fucking spinning, he's spinning like a villain.

And then it ends. And he goes, I just gave you a little bit so you don't have the context and stuff. But that's, did you recognize the baby was you? Was any of that? Oh! I mean, I'm assuming, I actually don't know what I just gave you

because I don't remember it anymore. So I would love to get that back from you if I could. Because I like, I probably, I assume I like those memories of having you as a kid. Why'd you leave, Dad? To protect you. Wow, that's pretty much the coolest version of reason to leave. That checks out. Yeah. So you're saying I can't have friends anymore?

I'm saying you can't trust your friends anymore. I'm saying I was friends with your friends' dads. They betrayed me. And... Why'd they try to ice you? Because we were all working together to fight the doodler. And real quick, what's the doodler? I keep hearing and I've never asked the question.

It's an eldritch god of chaos. Oh, shit. But why'd they turn on you? What was the reason? Was it just out of the blue? It looked like it was just out of the blue. I was going to help them defeat the doodler or find some way to escape the doodler, at least. Then they came up with a plan that I didn't like.

They came up with a plan called Code Purple. And I can tell you what Code Purple is, but if any normal human person finds out about Code Purple by somebody just telling them, not them sort of discovering it themselves and sort of being able to acclimate to the knowledge, there's a one in four chance that when they hear it, they will die. What? Because you're my son, I think you're probably safer. It's like a one in eight chance. So I think it's a one in eight chance.

But I got these, these syringes. So if it looks like you're about to not take it well, I can really quickly take the memory out. But I think for your sake, for safety, I have to try to tell you what it is. Hit me, baby.

Okay. So roll a wisdom saving throw. I swear to God, if D&D Beyond fucks me, I'm going to do a real dice. Get a real dice. Get a real baby dice. You're going to get an 11 on this real dice.

I know it. Wisdom. Three plus zero. Okay. So from your perspective, here's what happens. He sighs, he opens his mouth, and then all of a sudden everything goes black and you open your eyes and you're sweaty.

Your throat feels really raw. Your cheeks are wet. Okay, you couldn't handle it. I'm sorry. That must've been even crazier than the end of Evangelion. So he's got the syringe with the memory of him telling it to you.

You better throw that away, my man. Yeah, I could. I mean, unless you want to hold on to it when you think you might be ready later or not. Yeah, I'll throw it away. I'll throw it away. And he just fucking squirts the juice out of the side window.

And there's like a passing plant that drinks it up and also shrivels up. That's so fucked up! And he goes, okay, I can just drop you off at home. Hey, are we pretty close to San Dimas? I mean, pretty close being like a, you know, five hour drive. Bro, you just told me I had to not trust my friends anymore.

What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to live a life on the road, just wandering from town to town like a, like a nameless samurai, a ronin, a samurai without a master? Yeah. Well, then what the fuck are you dropping me off for man i thought you might want to get your stuff yeah that's a good point yes i need you to give me yes i mean say goodbye to your mom because she's cool oh hey how what's the deal with you and my mom uh speaking terms like what's it yeah i mean in the words of just the two of us from will smith

things didn't work out between me and your mom but when push comes to shove something about love um but yeah no i mean I mean, we agreed. We agreed that it would be best if we divorced, partially because we didn't get along so well and partially because I can't stay in this realm for very long because every moment I'm here, the final- Just like Orlando Bloom's character at the end of the Pirates of the Caribbean series

for some reason. Oh, I guess. I don't know. I never saw those. The Final Boreanos Initiative wants to get to me. If they can get to me or you, they can hook us up to a fucking machine

and open a portal to hell. And all they want to do is invade hell and plunder it for resources and kill every single person they find there. We can't go back then. No, we can't go back.

That's the first place that they would check is my cool house. That's actually a good point. Now you're thinking. But they won't check my safe house in the woods. I've planted a cache of weapons and utilities just for this exact scenario.

Don't tell me anything. I have a GPS. Oh, okay. Don't tell me anything. The less I know, the better. So I think what we do is you take the wheel. He slides, sidles over, and then has you take the wheel. And he goes, I'm going to go home.

And maybe we'll see each other again, and maybe we won't. But don't count on it, because people only disappoint you in the end. Hasta la vista, baby. Bye, dad. The car speeds away and he's like, I had more things to say. And you just leave him in the dust. And then he kind of goes like, ugh, and kind of slaps

his thighs like, I was going to say more stuff. That's fine. You rarely see the parent gets rejected by their kids scene. He told me everything I need to know. Which is that I need to be a cool badass and live alone. I thought it'd be harder to convince him to leave. Okay, that's

my son, alright. He looks at the jackrabbit. He runs over the jackrabbit. An orange portal opens and he steps through it and he is gone. I'm going to slam on the brakes. Okay. I'm going to turn around and get my friend back, bro. Ooh.

That's cool. Back at Daddy's HQ, Normal is staring at the text message from Taylor that says whale poop emoji. Scary, wait. Before I go to drama class, I've been staring at this text message and I think I know what it means. I think I know what Taylor was trying to say. Okay, then, like, what? We need to ask the whale about all the shit that's going on.

Just dump 15 more bucks into this whale. Yeah, like, I guess you could do that if you want, like, the whale to be in charge of your emotions or whatever. Well, all I'm saying is, like, we're whale to be in charge of your emotions or whatever. Well, all I'm saying is like, we're trying to be a team. I'm trying to take this note about the whale and the shit and like, you know. Yeah, well, what if the note is the whale is full of shit?

Well, maybe you're full of shit, Scarry. Whoa! That felt mean. I, look. Listen, I'm going to drama club. You can sit here with your own drama and do whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. Oh, no.

Can I come with you though? Yeah. Hey, scary. Can we, can we check in for a second? What do you mean? Check in?

I just, I want to touch base cause it seems like I, I don't know how to say this, but it seems like your attitude has been really bad lately. Um, Oh, Oh, it seems like my attitude has been bad lately.

Yeah. You know, what's been bad lately? My fucking life. I know, but. And you wouldn't understand any of it, because I was there. I was there in the middle of the classroom. I had my debate.

I was saying all the right stuff, and then we still lost. I mean, I still lost, and you wouldn't know anything about that. I lost. I was lost, too. Whatever. Hey. You know, I appreciate that you got a whole thing going on and that like you say weird stuff all the time and like you know people don't

pay enough attention to you and you're mad at your stepdad or whatever but well now you finally get it don't you are you saying that sarcastically or like do i actually am i I don't know. You enter the theater room. Sitting in the front of class is Hermie the Unworthy, and he is in full Joker regalia. He is in his bright red suit with his painted face. He's doing the weird dancing that's not quite dancing. He goes, wow, wow, wow. Look who finally decided to enter the Hermie zone.

Hey, Hermie, what's, Hermie, what's up? Oh, what's up? I don't, that wasn't an invitation to answer. My connection to this character. Okay. I have reached the pinnacle of the acting experience. I have a method to my madness, and that madness is the method.

I want you to understand that I have lost Hermie the Unworthy. No, no, no. Right now I am the Joker. It has happened. I have become one with my character. I'm going to roll perception and see if I can. I got a 20 on my perception.

Oh, wow. I got a 14 plus. I'm sure we see it, whatever it is. It's actually, you discover it's actually Joaquin Phoenix acting method as a child. Yeah. It's been Joaquin Phoenix the whole time. Joaquin Phoenix has just walked into Freddy's apartment.

He is here. Okay, so both of you can tell that he is telling the truth. He has gone full method. He cannot quite control this. He is now just going to be creepy, Hermit the Unworthy. But he does not seem to have the sauce with your natural 20.

It's just, he's just fucking weird. And he goes, my plan was, as always, to direct this play, direct this work. But now that I have become so completely he who jokes, I no longer have the ability nor the desire

to control this uncontrollable world. And so I feel very blessed, very happy, very grateful that a substitute teacher has revealed himself. And so now, mister, what is your name? And you see a figure standing at a lectern at the front of the drama class. And he sort of turns around dramatically and he goes, the name is Stampler. Terry Stampler.

Oh, my God. No. Whoa. Whoa. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow

Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson.

Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Esh Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This show is supported by a Patreon. And some of those fine patrons who support this show are folks like Ethan Burke, Lauren Hughes, Kale, Bria Crane, Michael Amos, another Alex, Nigel Faustino, Noah J, Jeff Craig, Cole Schultz, Sibong and Kosi Madzima, Tiffany A, Clay Walden, Jamie Trenton, Jack Rugless, Daniel Powell, Jane, Sven Van Tipadje, Anna Owenson, and James Story. You can directly support the show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Sons and Sons Ability, our Regency regency era miniseries has just released episode two

here's a little sneak peek for you I'm gonna pray using my pious trait that my sister successfully wounds Daryl Hannah such that I may

tenderly nurse him back to health okay go ahead and roll with advantage I got 13 it doesn't matter God's not real catch up on our

massive backlog of bonus content and be there for the finale of sons and sons ability by subscribing to our patreon starting at only $5 a month. All of our stretch goals are available at all supporter levels. So go on in, check it out, poke around, get behind the scenes insight into the show and

also hours of bonus content all at the same time. All at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. You can support the show in other ways too. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter dungeonsanddads our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies and our next episode is coming at you tuesday june 14th we will see you then we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today we live for tomorrow. Make stealing bottle. Break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say,

not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Ah, no, is this a vaccine? Oh, God, you don't not have, oh, God, you're not one a vaccine? Oh, God. You don't not have. Oh, God.

You're not one of those. Oh, no. And I turn right to camera and I say, because I need to make sure I'm always up to date on my vaccinations.