Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 11 - That Thing? You, Dude!

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

Everyone acts hella sus this episode.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Body Horror Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Additional trailer voices by Tim Wells and Amanda ShuckmanTheme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. I can tell you that I'm not good at math, even though my dad is. I can tell you that your mom's tits are fake. Totally fake. I know the best place to look for a prom dress is at the Salvation Army. How can I know that and not know who I am? They trained her to be the very best version of herself that she could be. You're U.S. government property. You're

a malfunctioning $30 million weapon. You're a goddamn walking catastrophe. Why couldn't you just tell me I look pretty? Now, Sacramento's top agent. You think I look like I'm from Sacramento? You are from Sacramento.

You have to remember. He's about to become their number one target. Where is she? She's sitting right next to me in the passenger seat. Check again. Oh, shit! From Greta Gerwig, the director of Little Women Extraction. I'll give you $10,000 to drive me to law school.

She's headed to the East Coast. I need agents wherever culture is, like New York or Connecticut or New Hampshire. Comes the next chapter of the Lady Bird saga. I want Lady Bird in a body bag by sundown. We need kill teams sweeping every highway shoulder in the Tri-State area. We do not stop. We do not sleep until we find our people.

Hi, Mom and Dad. It's me. Run the trace. Dad, this is more for Mom. I wanted to tell you, if I ever feel someone behind me, there is no measure of how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. Ma'am, she's in the building. Get some sleep, Mom.

You look tired. Lady Bird 7. But the hell is a gun, and the gun turns upside down and looks like a 7. Jumping out of a car into theaters and Hulu this summer. Nice try, child locks. You forgot one thing, Mom. What's that? I'm not a child anymore.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dad in a world forever changed after that one time their grandparents unleashed an eldritch god. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rad anime-loving teen of the group. I rearrange my room and I feel like I'm a morning radio DJ right here. You look, that's exactly what you look like. I got a screen up front. Hey, it's KD&D

KD&D coming at you live. I feel like a guest. First time in Freddy's house, I feel like a guest. First time. I feel welcome. So I rode out my rat pack for teen to swim. That's my move? You guys are supposed to flounder around and grope First time. I feel welcome. So I wrote out my rad fact for team this week. Wow. That's my move?

You guys are supposed to flounder around and grope for one at the last minute. I've never done that before. Teacher's pet over here. Just get over with. Just do it. I just want to try it once, okay? Okay. Well, if it makes you feel good, mine's fine.

Yeah. And I just thought of mine barely. Okay, here we go. Taylor's rad fact is that Taylor is popular. But popular doesn't mean you really have friends. Taylor looks around him and he sees admirers. And he knows that he transcends the boundaries set by click circles. But that also means that as a popular kid, you don't have a click.

It's lonely at the top for Taylor. See, his best friend moved away when he was in grade school. And since then, he never really had friends to, like, that same level. Like, everyone's cool with him, but that's as far as it goes. So that's why Taylor is so ride-or-die for Link, for normal, for scary. It's because that fate itself has given him these three friends that he's close with for the first time, and it's fate that has designated these people as his sidekicks

because there's not a single anime hero back solo there's always supporting characters and these people are all of his supports and that's why taylor is going back for what's your name again also i just want you to know that the beginning of this i said that taylor thinks that as a popular kid you don't have a click that's not true kids are very popular because they have a lot of friends so they have other popular kids they can be friends with which just adds more mystique to what does it mean when taylor says he's popular daddy master can i have a rule can i have a ruling can i use my team fact to say that he's not popular yes i allow it why you can't do this is that taylor is not popular at school you can't go okay i don't want to waste it on the controversy yeah hey everybody my name is

matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson a schooled at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group and little fact about lincoln just a cool rad fact so there is one game that he enjoys besides soccer yes he plays it with grant him and grant are not allowed to play it with marco anymore because they both get too intense and they hurt marco's feelings last time they played with their neighbor and that game is bridge they play him and grant are the duo. They are incredible. And they both turn into demons and trash talking maniacs when they play bridge. And Marco always plays an old lady.

Yeah. Marco always plays with their lady. Marco always teams up with the old lady next door, Mrs. Thompson. And they just absolutely Mrs. Thompson, but Mrs.

Thompson's into it. So like when Marco goes out of town, cause he's a contractor, he'll sometimes, you know, go on trips to, you know, whatever, like a house he's building or like he's on a work trip. That's when they play. And then Mrs. Thompson brings a friend over.

I'll go on a trip to a house I'm building. Welcome to a fabulous house I'm building. I live here now until it's done. That's how contractors work. Oh, I hope, I hope my dad finishes the house soon. I haven't seen him in two months. I hope he gets back home from house. He's been there for so long. I feel like they would have a cool duo

nickname. Well, it's very much Bridge. If you haven't played Bridge, it's all about essentially, if you play Bridge, you're probably also good at at least having a poker face. It's all about like subtle communication with like tics and like body language and codes. You kind of have to be drift compatible. In point of

fact i'm surprised they didn't have a bridge team as one of the duos that pilots the jaeger in pacific rim that would have been good that would have been a good one that'd been a key scene hello everyone my name is will campos i play normally oak the mixed up mascot kid who doesn't know who is anymore that's great fun fact about normal this week is that Normal is a very responsible young lad. He does all his laundry. From a young age, he learned to do his laundry. Unfortunately, the Oak Garcia Swallows household has one of those, like, you know those all-in-one washer dryers?

Yeah. That, like, they put all your, it does it all. He doesn't realize that he's just been pressing dry. Oh, no. For years, he's just been getting his clothes warm oh no really really bakes a flavor in yeah so yeah so everyone just thinks he's smelly but he's not he showers and cleans himself his clothes are very smelly because he has not been washing them the right fabrics a scented fabric softener in the dryer is pretty much the college way of

doing laundry that That totally works. Yeah, you know, his mom is just like, I don't know why we keep running out of little linen sheets for the fabric thing so often. But yeah. And have so much detergent. I don't know why my boy smells so bad. It must be. And I'm not going to talk to him about it. So wait, does he pour the detergent in there?

No, he just thinks you press the, he's like, it's all in one. So he just presses the biggest button, which is the dry button. And then that's what happens. And he's like, it's all in one. So he just presses the biggest button, which is the dry button. And then that's what happens. And he's like, oh, the clothes are nice and warm afterwards. That's a design flaw. The biggest button is the dry button. I just have to say. You should also just call it the most in one.

Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that she drinks coffee, and she drinks it black. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. No sweetener, no anything, no creamer. But when people aren't looking, she sneaks some sugar in there. Dang. Dang.

That's pretty cool. Just sugar? Just sugar. It's got to still look black. How much sugar? A lot. Yeah, how much sugar? Okay. There we That's pretty cool. Just sugar? Just sugar. It's got to still look black. How much sugar? A lot. Yeah, how much sugar? Okay.

There we go. Handfuls. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Hey, dad. And you all played the Yakuza games? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to, this is not going to work so well for a podcast, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to stand up and then somebody just insult me. Okay. Okay. So he's wearing a dress shirt

that's kind of nice with sweatpants, so I don't know where this is going to be, but he's unbuttoning the shirt. Hey. Hey. Anthony, you suck. What? What?

My goodness. What? He's got a back tattoo and it's bitching his ass. What happened? Insane. What the fuck? Wow.

We got a full back tattoo? The full back? I want to keep looking at it. On your first time? A fucking full ass back tattoo. What? I'm never insulting this man again ever. Wait, is that just a big temporary tattoo?

No, it's real. No, it's real. I mean, a temp tattoo's real. It's just temporary. I guess mine's temporary in the fact that I'll die eventually. What? It's like, what is it? Pay the fact that like I'll die eventually. But no. It's like, what is it?

Pay the picture for our listening audience at home. So it is a Yakuza style back tattoo. It is not complete or colored in yet. And the lower third is missing. But it's the first three cats I have instead of like a dragon or like a fucking samurai or something cool. It's just my three cats like hanging out, but in Yakuza style. And it wasn't supposed to be like this. So I went in and the plan was...

That's a lot for not to be what you thought it was. Can I read you his tweet? This is why we all knew. Also, I'm changing the fact that Anthony Burch is the most popular kid at school. He has a fucking badass tattoo. This is a story about me being mentally not as great as i thought i was

so i went in and was like i finally found the thing that i want to do which is a big yakuza style tattoo of my cats because like i love my cat so much but i don't like pain so what if you could like design a tattoo for me that was like a three-part thing we'll just do one part that stands on its own and if i can handle the pain we'll finish the rest of it and he went absolutely and then a couple weeks went by and then he forgot that part and went, cool. I finished the tattoo and he showed me the design and a, I didn't like it that much. And B it was so big. It was my whole back. And I, in my head, I went, this is the moment. This is where you can decide to stand up for yourself and occupy the smallest amount of space a human

being possibly can in the world and say, actually, we talked about it being small, or actually I would like it if you change certain elements of the design. And I thought about that very hard for about 45 seconds. And I said, that looks perfect. Let's do it. And this is the biggest, if not no worries I've ever heard of in my life. Yeah, it's Yeah. So I laid on my stomach for three hours as he did the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life including getting my butthole and ding-dong waxed the entire time being like it would be cool if I was an adult it would be cool if I was like capable of asking for like if he I now know if I go to a restaurant somebody just hands me a plate of shit I'll go that's vegan baby and then not complain or send

it back apparently have you grown to like it? No what it hurt a lot? I mean no it looks good. I just got here. I literally just got it today. I think it looks killer I think it's not yeah, it's not done yet I'm sure looking good, but I have to go back and like get more stuff done But it was just all my friends who have tattoos were like no it's cool like at a certain point I heard so much you get adrenaline or you get endorphins or any of this kind of stuff No, I've never bought didn't happen to me me turns out at least not on your back because your back is close to your spine so you get nerves and so i could feel the needle vibrating against my

fucking bones in my back felt like somebody with a box cutter attached to a fucking vibrating wand just dragging it across my back i think in support of anthony we should all get back tattoos of his cats we should get back tattoos of anthony anth We should get back tattoos of Anthony. Anthony. Don't do that. I'm going to do it. We were just talking about tattoos. Are you going to get a back tattoo of Anthony getting a back tattoo? Yes.

No, but it's like, when I was there, I said like, oh, I like a full back tattoo or whatever. And some guy in the other room. Or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. And some guy in the other room was like, ooh, that's the right move. And I was like, cool. That must be because it's a good for beginners thing. What?

And then as it was happening, the tattoo artist was like, you're handling this pretty well. This is like one of the most painful places you can possibly get tattooed. Oh my God. And I was like, okay, cool. That's good to know.

I want you to know that I see you and that I would probably do the same thing. Yeah. So. Like tattoos come and go. Being awkward to somebody is forever. Uh-huh. So when we last left the group,

normal and scary had just gone to drama class and seen that Terry Jr. was actually the teacher. But also, Taylor was speeding back to the FBI headquarters to rescue Lincoln. To rescue Lincoln from the clutches of the evil FBI guys who unbeknownst to him had already sort of agreed that they were just going to let him go. So I figure we can start with that scene first, if you like, because I imagine you'll get back to your friends relatively quickly. So I stop along the side of the road before entering the main parking lot and do a roll outside the driver's into the bushes. And I pull out my binoculars and I scan

my surroundings. Where'd you get the binoculars and I scan my surroundings. Where'd you get the binoculars from? They were in the glasses compartment of the car. Good one. Nice. Those are small binoculars.

I'll buy that. I'll buy that. They're little opera glasses. Okay. So you see, there's an opera van. Yeah, there's somebody who's going to an opera.

That's a huge opera van. My God, they're doing an aria right now. You're in Aria 51. Oh my God. Yes, I'll be available on the Frasier podcast later today. You see the front doors to the sort of hangar that encompasses the FBI headquarters

that you just recently exited. And Lincoln is being walked out by the main FBI agent that you saw, who has- This might be a trap. He has his hand on Link's shoulder and he's sort of pushing him ahead. What does link look like?

Does he look comfortable? He's like scared. I mean, this is like right after, right. I think he's being really catty. He's like, look,

everybody's like, Hey, that little shoes look terrible on you. Hey man, I don't like the way your face looks. He's being really honest. He's just being really honest. Yeah.

He still can't not tell the truth. Yeah. You probably work here. Cause the best job you could get, I can tell you, you have a dumb face. You don't look very intelligent. uh fbi agent behind you is like don't worry he's on the stuff like i am i actually like all of you a lot more some of you

more than you i do not like at all and oh and he goes somebody drive the kid back to two months in whoever does it i'll give you twenty dollars i'm lying i'm not gonna give you twenty dollars i'm just gonna walk home i don't trust any of you you'll die what it's we're pretty we're like we're like three hours from your home. Oh. It's a schlep. I look outside. What am I looking at when I look outside?

It's a lethal schlep. I thought this was just like in a city. No, no, no. You're like in the desert. Yeah, we peed on plants last time. You peed on plants. I mean, there's tumbleweeds. Oh, I thought that was three hours away.

Okay. No, no, no. Yeah, no. I mean, they drove away a little bit. But yeah, no. You're basically in the middle of what you think to be a California desert. It's dry. The big black dot in the sky is still there.

So in terms of time, you know, no easy way to tell. There's not really a noon sunset kind of thing anymore. It's just a big sky. I didn't realize it's just a black dot now. That's so unsettling. That's great. Red sky. And it's a little bit hot. So, you know what? Fuck it. I'll drive you home. No now that's so unsettling that's great sky and uh it's a little bit hot so you know

i'll fuck it i'll drive you home no that's good just give me like an uber or something you want me to summon an uber to the secret installation in the desert that's three hours away do you realize how much that'll cost no but like it's not gonna be that secret if i come home i'm gonna tell everybody where it is i'm gonna be able to keep track of everything okay well then i guess i have to kill you well don't kill me just put a. How much am I hearing of this from where I am? Is he close? Roll perception to see how well you can read lips. Can I roll perception to see if I see him?

That's like a four, baby. I got an eight. Okay, well, Taylor, you think he's saying, what's that thing people say when they're extras? Watermelon. Watermelon. Watermelon. Yeah, you think he's saying watermelon over and over.

Watermelon. And Lincoln, you're too busy trying to figure out how to get out of this. What's the FBI agent's name again? You never asked. Oh, hey. No, I'm not sorry I didn't ask your name. I don't care about your name, how to get out of this. What's the FBI agent's name again? You never asked. Oh, hey. No, I'm not sorry I didn't ask your name. I don't care about your name, but I'm kind of curious.

What's your name? My name is Agent Schmeggen. That's a dumb name. Usually we have a column here that says, hey, what's your name? So we can thank you for the name. Under what is your name? It also says Schmeggen. Thanks, Schmeggen.

So thank you, Schmeggen, for using your name Schmeggen. Thank you, Schmeggen. Hey, can i get that packet of just like all the information on hell and all the information that we talked about right it would be nice to have like an item that i could say we open to find information on everything we just talked about you want me to give you classified document you're the dumbest child i've ever met you want me to fight in fight in hell. I said I wanted you to bring your stupid friend around so I could get into hell and all that shit. All right, so no manual, no nothing.

Just everything you told me is all I'm going to have. Yeah. Okay. Use your resources. You're a kid. You're smart. Use your resources. Be fucking intelligent for two seconds.

This is why you guys are way out here in this shitty property. You're all here too. You want to stay here? Nothing to show for all your work so far, buddy. You know what? Just take me home. We're not talking in the car. All right, fine.

We'll talk in the car. No, we're not talking in the car. No, we will talk in the car. No, we're going to listen to music. You're going to love me by the end of the day. It's really important to me that people like me. Do you need somebody to talk to? Yes.

Oh. Get in the car. Okay, we can talk. Shit, they're moving him to another location. This is bad. All right, so they just start driving back to Lincoln's house. Do you just like follow them? I'm going to try and tail them according to how my aggressive one-man tail defensive driving manuals explain how to do it.

Which is like just telling the self-driving car to follow the other one? Yeah, I go, follow that car at a safe and reasonable distance, alternating between leading and following every so often. Except you're the only two cars out on the desert. Listen, man, I didn't write the manuals, okay? These are trained CIA operatives who have spent their careers fighting in the Cold War, the Second Cold War, and the Third Cold War. The Warmer War. Roll stealth.

Shouldn't, like, the institution of the CIA roll stealth? So you roll badly. Five plus three, eight. Okay, cool. So after about five minutes of driving, as Agent Schmeggin is getting into, how you and his kid would probably actually get along pretty well. Have I been made?

Yes. I'm going to pit maneuver the other car. Jesus Christ. What's this kid's name, by the way? His son's name is, and thank you to Totax Wilder for this name. Also an amazing name on its own.

Brad B. Plunk Schmeggen. Plunk? Just call him Brad. Can I roll perception to see if I notice? Yeah, go ahead. Just get higher than an eight. It's an 11.

Plus one, 12. I think it's really cool that you think we would be friends, but rather than thinking about who your son could be friends with, have you ever talked to him about the friends he has now?

Yeah, I don't like them. Oh, why not? Because they're 12 really mean soccer kids. Oh, wait, we're getting followed. Yeah.

Your dumb friends following us. Oh, great. He's still around. I thought he was gone. I lady bird. Okay. All right. So Taylor roll, as I pit maneuver as I pit maneuver them okay alright

so Taylor roll find something to roll for a pit maneuver he's a long way from second maneuver no animal handling we all agree that cars are animals

and then that's our birds Lincoln Lincoln go ahead and roll athletics or acrobatics to roll out without getting hurt

oh no I know that look now on three we say our roles at the same time right one two three five cool so that was a two man podcast now oh no i'm trying to think of how to do this with the job of killing you both okay i'll be fine i'm gonna be fine so you try to pit maneuver him. As Link opens the front passenger seat door and leaps out, Agent Schmangan turns and goes, what are you? Okay, that's fine.

I don't care about you. I'm after the other one, so that's cool. And you dive out of the car and then Taylor attempts to pit maneuver the car, but veers a little bit too early. He goes wide and prepares to sort of go into the back to-

Taylor would know that a real pit maneuver is not a hard hit. It's a gentle nudge. Not in this moment. He goes wide and prepares to sort of go into the back to- Taylor would know that a real pit maneuver is not a hard hit. It's a gentle nudge. Not in this moment. He's so nervous because you rolled a six. You rolled bad.

You rolled a five. You fucked up. He remembers it though just for posterity. Okay, great. I was like, wait, I shouldn't- So you veer to the side. You overshoot

and now directly in front of you in your path is Link who just jumped out of the car. Whoa! Can I roll a dexterity save to avoid the car now? Can I roll a dexterity save to avoid hitting my friend Link? Both of you do it, yeah.

Oh, there we go. There we go. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Natural 20. Whoa! All right, so you get to determine what happens. What happens?

Jackie Chan run off the hood and jump in the sunroof. I've clearly road burned my entire leg and body. But when I stand up, I do that thing where like I look around as if like hoping nobody saw me trip. Like I go like, oh, I just kind of look around. So what happens is when you jump out, you rebound off of the concrete hard. But that rebound just happens to line up with the front of my bumper, which also is hitting a pothole, which then bounces you up and into the seat next to it. So I'm just there now. Yes.

Okay. Real Bollywood action movie kind of movie. Yeah, right. It's like a one in a trillion chance thing that we will be talking about for the rest of our lives. So you see in the SUV in front of you, Agent Schmegan pulls off his sunglasses and goes, my God, they're good.

What are you going to do now? He's ahead of you in his car. He's going to try to probably jam on his brakes to stop you. I thought you said he didn't care. Oh, but he probably cares about his car. He wants Taylor. Hey, dude, we got you. hey dude you're welcome buddy taylor thanks for coming back and save me man hey he's gonna come back and get you we gotta get out of here say less bro oh i feel like i would anticipate if you're in front there's only one move you can do which is slam on your

brakes so i'm ready and waiting and anticipating this so that the moment he does i can swerve around him all right let's both roll dexterity. I got a 13. I got 19 plus 120. Wow, so you're dead right. You managed to veer out of the way. You got ahead of him. You're also in a FBI SUV, I guess. They're in the pussy wagon, aren't they? Oh, you're in the pussy wagon.

Yeah, yeah. But with the opera gear. League, yes. Dig around back. See if there's any opera related things that we could use. Yeah, go ahead and roll a perception. Anything you like to see if there's anything in this opera fan

pussy wagon. Kill Bill's an opera in the future. I got a 16, 12 plus 4. Okay, so with a 16, you find a big Viking lady hornet helmet that seems to be made of pretty sturdy material. You find a bunch of musical sheets, a bunch of programs for

different plays that have happened, and a bodice. Nothing that you can use but the spiky thing. Link, are you ready to kill this motherfucker? No,

absolutely not. He's after me and so we gotta take him out. Okay, well let's just drive fast in here. I'm gonna start throwing stuff out.

What's the side of the road? Is it just desert? There's a road, there's a ditch and then beyond that is just a lot of shrub brush, cacti,

slime, normal stuff. I'm going to make, um, no one's going to comment on the slime. That's what we call the slime. Wait, slime? I didn't say that. Don't worry about it. What do you need to know?

Now I do want to know, do we like know what the slime is in this world? Yeah. It's just the thing that is in the desert. Is it like, okay. When you go to the desert, there's slime. When you go to certain houses, they're like radioactive. When you go to the desert there's slime when you go to certain houses they're like radioactive when you go to the forest there's no tree is it slippery like oil uh sticky it's a little bit sticky it's like boogers okay like sticky enough that like a car

would like have a hard time going through it sure okay okay i don't know how it's gonna help us oh oh i gotta move i'm gonna signal right with my blinker. I do the hand signal like when you're on a bike to also signal right. Yeah, yeah. It's a dual signal. Hey, buddy, we're going left. Oh, shit. Well, now he doesn't know what to think. Perfectly deceiving.

A plus two, 10. You could just see him shake his head like I've followed plenty of fucking perks more than you. I got an idea, man. Just stop the car. What? I don't know. Just stop the car. We're not going to outrun him. But you said that he's trying to take me in. Yeah, I know.. Just stop the car. What? I don't know. Just stop the car. We're not going to outrun him.

But you said that he's trying to take me in. Yeah, I know. But just stop the car. And then when he gets out of the car to come talk to us, we'll just drive again. We'll just keep doing that until we get back to the city. That's a really good idea. That's a really good idea. All right.

So I signal right. I pull over to the shoulder. And we just sit there. All right. So he sits there. And he keeps the engine idling. Oh, Link, I got it. I got it.

I'm going to pull him to reverse and slam into his engine with the back of my car, which is fine. I have nothing in the back of the car that I need. I can just fuck up his engine. Okay. He rolled his window down. He's got to get out with his gun out. And as the door opens, you reverse back into him. So he's going to roll dexterity to see if he can move out of the way.

He got a six. So the words pussy wagon approach him at great speed and slam themselves into his grill. Go ahead and just roll a straight D20 just for luck to see how much damage you do to his engine. Oh God. Two. Dink.

You take a headlight out. And I floor it. Okay, he's going to shoot at your car. He's going to try to aim for the tires. I'm very much hoping this becomes the entire episode. Oh, God. Okay, he got a six. So basically, he hits the U and the O on the words pussy wagon.

His aim is terrible. And you managed to get enough distance from him that by the time he's back in and pursuing you, he's pretty far back. Do you have a phone? Uh, no, no, I don't have a phone. Is there,

is there a fucking hell? No, I don't. I got thrown away. I got to check. I got to check something. Wait, I think I,

Hey Taylor. Okay. You've always been a good friend. Oh, okay, cool. I can lie again. Okay.

Let's just pull over again. I don't know. Just pull over. He's only got so many bullets. Just pull over again. I don't know. Just pull over. He's only got so many bullets. Just pull over. See if it works again.

That's true. How many bullets did he use? I counted the bullets. How many bullets does he have? Just pull over.

How many bullets does he have left? Do you have any? Well, he's got a Glock. How many bullets does a Glock hold? 17.

15 usually if you're 15. So he's got 13 bullets left. Just trust me, Taylor. Okay, okay. All right, all right. I'm trusting you on this one. I'm a signal...

I'm a signal right and then pull over onto the shoulder. Okay, and you do go right. And he's like, oh, I don't know what to make of that. All right, so once again, he stops behind you. And he gets out of his car. Just do the same thing again. No, he stays in it. He stays in it. No, this time of his car. Should I just do the same thing again?

No, he stays in it. He stays in it. No, this time he stays. I'm going to roll. I'm going to make him do a wisdom saving throw. This is the best car chase I've ever seen in my life. He rolled a 16. So with his wisdom saving throw, instead of getting out of the car, he's going to roll

down his window and point his gun out of the window and go get out of the car. Okay, I'm going to roll down the window. Hey, hey, Schmeggin, right? Agent Schmeggin to you. Sorry, Agent Schmeggin. Hey, man, we've had some good flying times, and I'm just a scared kid. You know I can't lie to you. And, like, look, man.

I love fucking. I know we can both lie now. I love it when I put my penis into my wife and I cum. It's my favorite thing. We're both liars now, and I know that you know that. But I think like I'm a kid and I took more of it. I got like a smaller.

Yeah, the metabolism is different. That means if anything that it would wear off of you quicker, wouldn't it? Because you have a faster metabolism. All right, asshole, if you want us, don't just come in and wrestle.

We're right here. Yeah, come and get us, Dan. No, get out of the car or I'll start shooting. Go ahead, shoot. Good luck getting through all this metal. Roll intimidation. Good luck getting it through all this metal. Roll intimidation. Good luck getting through all this metal.

You stay out the open window. I mean, I'm like, he's not on the side of us. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ten. You got a ten? Yeah.

All right. He's going to roll to see if he's intimidated by you say, good luck getting through all this metal. I'm not intimidated. Got a seven. Oh, wow. He goes, it's a good point. Our SUVs are armored.

Look, the only thing that's happening is- The tires aren't. Lincoln, Lincoln, let me just try this again. I'm going to slam into reverse and drive. The exact same move. All right, he's going to start shooting before you do because he's ready for this time. I'm screaming. I'm screaming. You'll never take Taylor. You'll never take my friend. I'm going to start shooting before you do because he's ready for this time. I'm screaming. I'm screaming.

You'll never take Taylor. You'll never take my friend. I'm going to roll again. Duck your head. Duck your head, Link. Duck your head. I'm ducking. He got a two.

So he just hits the U again somehow on Pussy Wagon. He's like, what the fuck? And he fires. How many bullets? I'm going to roll a D10 to see how many bullets he fires. Don't worry, I've got this. He fires three times and all three of them hit the exact same spot on the U. Oh my God, Taylor, we're going to roll a d10 to see how many bullets he fires. Don't worry, I've got this. He fires three times and all three of them hit the exact same spot on the U. Oh my god, Tyler, we're going to die.

I rolled a four. And when you break the other headlight, and then he's going to keep firing. What time does it turn dark? One sun out! He gets a natural one when he tries to fire at you this time. That's a jam. That's a jam. That's a jam. That's a jam.

That's a jam. The gun blows up in his own hand. That's not how Glocks work. It definitely jams completely. And he tries to clear the chamber. At that point, he just gets irritated and he just tosses it away. And he hits the gas on his car and starts like revving up against your butt. That's just going to fuck his engine up more. Yeah.

You're so close. It's not actually doing a whole lot. Okay. So is he going to chase again? Well, you're not moving. So it's up to you what you want to do. Why don't we let go of the brake and let him just start pushing us? Yeah. And then he goes, god damn it, this

fucking doesn't, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Thanks for the ride, asshole. You're going to run out of gas before us now? We're not even using any. Just keep pushing us. Yeah, you're burning more gas than we are. So behind you, you hear honk, honk, honk, and it's just him slamming his fucking head

against the steering wheel over and over again he goes like you know what i can find you again later i'll find you again later when there are other people fuck this fuck i'm going bye have fun go but go all right yeah man hey we're gonna defeat hell for you asshole and taylor's gonna help so leave us alone yeah you better fucking you taylor hey just so you know you're from hell you're fucking dead you're fucking dad's from hell. You suck. You both suck. And he pulls it into reverse. Because you should hang out with my son, though. My son's really nice.

He just goes, don't tell anybody about this as he drives away. Hey, wait. Dude, what's your son's email? He's gone. Oh. You'll never know. We're going to pull over to a gas station and walk in. His email.

And I'm going to come in and be like, hey, sorry, can can i use your phone we have a pain phone in the back but we need money so can we have money for the pay phone we're kids oh here no no i got it i dialed 9-1-1 9-1-1 emergency what's your emergency yes hi i was aggressively tailgated by a vehicle heading southbound on i-63 and they had no no headlights, and they said, fuck cops. I take the phone. They were shooting at us, and his name is Agent Schmeggin, and they work for the FBI,

but not the FBI. All right, go ahead and roll persuasion. A dispatch says, one moment, please. And you hear a click, and then you hear Agent Schmeggin's voice going, are you fucking kidding me? God damn it, it goes all the way to the show. I'm a fucking nerd.

I know where you live. I'm just going to show up at your house later. You fucking suck. You guys suck at this. I suck just going to show up at your house later. You fucking suck. You guys suck at this. I suck at this too, but you fuck. Go fuck yourself. Go back to school. Jesus.

Fuck. I don't even want you anymore. All right, well, we'll check in if we defeat hell. We're just going to see. I'll tell you what it's going to be. We're just going to wait for you to fuck up and get into a bunch of danger, and your dad's going to come save you again, and then we're going to capture him again. That's all that's going to happen.

So if you don't see me again just know that i'm fucking i'm watching you through a sniper scope well hopefully you don't get fucking owned by two kids like last time hang up hang up tell her it's cool if you hang up before you finish hang up really hard hello fuck why don't you like steal something i've never stolen anything before i don't know man i'm just feeling like i'm feeling like lawless right this is like just like steal something. I've never stolen anything before. I don't know, man. I just feel like. I'm feeling like lawless, right? This is like. Oh, we should steal some booze.

What does anything mean at this point? Yeah, nothing matters. Let's steal some cigarettes and booze. Oh, I just wanted this like Laffy Taffy. Oh, we can start with Laffy Taffy. That's cool. Here's what I'll do. I'll distract him and then you make out with as many Laffy Taffys as you can figure.

Okay. I take a Laffy Taffy. And I'm going to go up to the front and be like, that phone didn't work. Where's your bathroom? I got poop. Okay, you roll deception, Taylor. And then you roll sleight of hand, Link. D&D Beyond is like going out of its way to fuck me tonight.

Four plus two, six. Okay. Oh, plus three. So that's a 17. 17. So I guess he's not distracted by Taylor telling him about having to pee

but he is looking at you and still somehow doesn't notice that you steal a Laffy Taffy that's how smooth he is that's how fucking smooth you are you probably like

drop it to your foot and have such foot dexterity in that scene and now you see me where they're they're hiding the ace of spades that card sequence but it's with the Laffy Taffy

Anthony oh man alright so the guy narrows his eyes he goes why don't you get out of here? Yeah, we will. Good. Yeah. Later, Chode.

Oh, Link, it's definitely going to hell now. Yeah. Hey, did you get any Laffy Taffy? Yeah, man. Here, I think you should. You should eat it. I don't think I should eat this. All right.

Hey, Link, why don't lobsters share? Because they're shellfish. Is that on the Laffy Taffy? That's what they write on the inside of these. Is that the only one that's on there? Oh, no, there's another one. Yeah, there's a bunch. I should have got more.

That's a good joke. How many are there on there? It's one per Laffy Taffy. Oh, so we need another Laffy Taffy to get a joke? That's even... It feels like it's just a good joke with a candy on the side, if you ask me. Shellfish. That's a man's grain.

So with the... Can we go to Sonics? Oh my god. No! No! Now I know the power that Freddy has. So with the worst heist scene ever following the worst chase scene ever, we are going to transition back to the drama class at Teen High.

Going on at 10 o'clock at night. Yeah. Question. Is Terry always the teacher or is he subbing? He's subbing. Because remember after prom or after the winter ball or whatever it was, a lot of the teachers quit because it was so fucked up and scary and they've had to hire new people. And Terry Jr. seems to be the sub.

Is Terry a hologram? Hey, are you a hologram? Are you just a sub? Why don't you give your stepdad a hug and you'd find out. Just give him a hug. Just give me a hug. Do you want me to hug him instead? I'll hug him.

Yeah, you hug him instead. I don't want a hug from that kid. Free dad. Free hugs for dad. That kid's warm and smells bad. Ew. I mean, like, ew, ew, not ew, normal,

because, like, ew, ew. Okay, that hurt my feelings, but okay. I don't care about your feelings. And I hug him. So, yeah, your arms go straight through him. It's just like the other dad that you've seen thus far. He is on the other side, rejecting himself to you.

At that moment, timeline-wise, can we swing it that Normal and Link show up? Oh, of course. Or Taylor and Link show up. The timelines reconcile. Yeah, and boy, oh boy, you had such a crazy day, but you got back to school. Guys, let's get out of here.

Let's go to like Sonic's or like the- No! We texted a text message from the payphone. go to like sonics or like daddy's headquarters where we can like get away from this loser can we give it and when i said loser i'm talking about you maybe you're a sub but it doesn't seem like you can step up you're right of course obviously yes i am uh both a sub and i am not really doing a good job of being your stepdad. But that's okay. Finally, somebody said it. Because there's a lot of things you don't know about me.

There's a lot of things I don't know about you. That's why we're not close. But that's okay. That's part of the point. That's actually one of the founding principles of drama is people say acting is about truth, but acting actually is something that we all do. And it's very important. It's not about truth.

It's about hiding truth in a lot of respects. You know, there's the truth and then there's what we show to the world. For example, Scary here, the truth of you is that you are a very kind, very warm, very optimistic person, but the version of you that you choose to show to the world, to everybody. This is acting right now.

This is bullshit that you're doing. Yes, exactly. Yes. I'm loving this performance for you. This is great. It's not a performance. This is how I really am. Everybody look at what Scary's doing.

Look at the way that she's using her body to pretend that she's very closed off, that she doesn't like anybody. Guys, let's get out of here. You'll remember that she hasn't been around for six months with that kind of clothing. It's very recent because she hates me, and that's okay. There are things about me that she doesn't know.

I have a very big secret that she will never know, and that's what I'm going to talk to all of you about. There are secrets. There are many secrets that we all have. Oh, I see Lincoln and Taylor have joined us. I was never here. No, it's okay. You guys are alive? Yeah, you guys are still at have. Oh, I see Lincoln and Taylor have joined us. I was never here. No, it's okay. You guys are alive?

Yeah, you guys are still at school? Oh my God! You guys are still at school? Yeah, we're still at school. Oh my God, I run up and hug both of them. Hey, we got like a bunch of Laffy Taffys. We didn't pay for them. We went someplace.

And I got some sodas. And hey, Scary, here's a black coffee and I sneak some sugar on the side. The way you like it. Thanks. Everyone noticing that? She's pretending to like black coffee. No, I really like black coffee.

That makes her seem like a hard ass. That's good. We call that business in acting. I understand it. It's very good. Norm, you wanted to ask the whale something? Let's go back to the headquarters. I mean, don't you want to see what your stepdad has to say?

Like, you know, we're all kind of... Oh, my God. This is Scary's dad. This is her stepdad. It's a pleasure to see what your stepdad has to say? Like, you know, we're all kind of... Oh, my God. This is Scary's dad. This is our stepdad. It's a pleasure to see you all again. I haven't seen you since you were very small. You're not seeing me now. Okay, if you say so, Taylor.

Is Scary a hologram? Yeah, he's a hologram. Okay. Yeah, that's kind of his personality normally, too. It's like the hologram thing. That was an insult, by the way. We definitely got a lot to tell you, but, like, maybe you want to learn more from your dad first.

He opens his arms wide to the rest of the class and goes, I'm going to use some more. Everybody, let's go ahead and fingers in the air's time for everybody except for the newcomers and scary and normal, because I'm just going to say a lot of words that aren't going to make a lot of sense to you. Fingers in the air's quiet time, and everybody does very obediently because he's the nicest sub and everybody loves him. He goes, you are

all, I assume, looking for an incursion point, a big pimple from which horrible things come out. Yes. I mean, yeah, that's kind of what we've been doing that. Yeah. So if you would look in my office and he tries to open the door to the office of the drama teacher, but his hand goes. Oh, yeah. Allow me.

If you could. Yes. Thank you. And you open it and you see that inside is a big pimple that has already popped. And he goes, so, yes, you can see there the incursion point. It is a little too late. It has already happened. And what came out? This incursion. See, this is great can see there the incursion point. It is a little too late. It has already happened. Wait, what came out?

This incursion. See, this is great. That's doing research for a role. That's important that you understand. And Hermie is like, I am also here. I have also, I didn't feel the need to plug my ears, so I would be happy to hear any information. You felt the need to talk.

Yes. Thank you. Uh-oh, there she is. There she is. You know, something tells me that Hermie is going to be the second most popular actor here at Teen High. If you keep up with that kind of behavior, going for the Oscar this year, scary. Is that what you do? No, I'm about to go for your Oscar. If you keep fucking talking.

Nice. Don't throw me with a good time. Oh, sorry. Continue. Continue. He's like impervious. Continue, Mr. Stampler. Oh, yeah. So something came out, something that is obviously connected to the doodler. And actually, you know what? Hermie, I know I'm so sorry. You've done a lot of work on your character work. Thank you for the joke.

Thank you. But I think it's a little passe. Excuse me? No, it's just I think we need to be practicing a new play that's a little bit more modern, something that's going little bit more modern, something that's going to be more appealing to our students and something that can teach all of you really good lessons. So I'm going to go ahead and hand out these programs real quickly, these scripts. Go ahead and everybody take a script.

And he hands out a bunch of different paper scripts. And he goes, this is based on another old license, but this one's a lot more easy to get financially. So you're going to be red. You're going to be yellow. You're going to be blue. Okay. So the play is Among Us.

And you are all going to be playing the role're going to be blue. Okay. So the play is Among Us. And you are all going to be playing the role of different members on the crew. So it's written by Samuel Beckett, Jr. And it's very unusual. It's a little bit improvisational. When the play begins, you don't know who's who, which actually matches very well because whatever crawled out of that incursion point has already taken and turned into facsimile of one of you. So at least one of you, if not two of you, or maybe none of you has been taken by a doodler thing and is a copy. So to explain, meta-wise, I have contacted anywhere between zero, one, or two of the people in this room before this session. And I told them that they have been replaced by a doodlerized version. Terry also says, so don't worry,

whoever's been replaced by a doodlerized version of themselves, they're safe somewhere. In order to keep the connection, they have to be conscious somewhere, sort of in a weird goopy pod. Wait, so one of our friends, wait. Is it like for sure one of us, or could it be like one of the other students in the classroom?

It's definitely one of you five. Wait, so like if Scary was like- If it's anybody, it might be nobody. So like if Scary was like this thing, then like- Or you. Okay, fine, let's just put it all on me. If I'm one of those things, then there's also a Link elsewhere that's actually Link. Yes, there would be an actually Link in a pod.

So we're all safe. Yes, you're all alive somewhere. Let's explore that. It's you, Link. Okay. It's like you're Dark Link. You're Dark Link. Oh, no.

Would I even know? Because I stole candy. That's good evidence that it might be you. So here's the thing. The creature, the doodlerized mimic that is possessing you right now, because you're connected to it through a pod, through a little goopy pod,

it is psychically connected to you. So it has all of your memories. It knows how you might react to things and everything that's happening to it right now, your original body can hear and understand and will remember later on. Oh my God. Wait, so what happens if it was zero?

So here's what we're going to do. Wait, what happens if it's zero of us? If it's zero of you, then perhaps we've found an interesting little story about the ways that paranoia can make us turn on one another. So here's what I did. I assigned numbers to each of you. I rolled a D6 and I assigned one was Taylor,

two was Link, three was Norm, one was taylor two was link three was norm four was scary five was hermy and six was nobody and i rolled the dice twice so if i rolled the same person twice that just meant it's just that one person if i rolled twice got two different people that means two of you are things so two sixes would have to be zero two sixes there would be nobody at all but i also did not tell you if anybody else was one of the things the way anthony said that means that he definitely contacted somebody. I'm saying I would not have. Yeah, but I'm already playing the metagame.

Sure. Here's what we're going to do. We're basically going to play an abbreviated version of Werewolf or Audio Among Us for our Zoomer fans who don't know what Werewolf is. Terry says, as somebody who's interested in all of you learning how to lie a little bit better to find the real truth and then be able to decide what element of that truth

you show to each other to hide certain things, there may be a little daddy magic up for grabs here. So if the non-doodlers manage to vote out the doodlerized version of one of you, if there is one, then they will all get an immediate level up with daddy magic. If there is no doodler and you all vote that there is no doodler, all of you get a level up. If you vote incorrectly and vote out the wrong person, if you vent them as it's referred to in the script, then the person who is doodlerized will get a level up. We are going to do three rounds of voting. So hypothetically, if the doodlerized will get a level up. We are going to do three rounds of voting. So hypothetically, if the doodlerized person

cannot get voted three times, they will get three extra levels. Oh my God. Do you know who it is? Is this going to solve the incursion? No, I truly do not. So we got to figure out which one of us or which one of you all is the doodler.

And then if we beat them, we'll stop the incursion. Certainly, yes. But how can we know if someone has the sauce? Regardless of the fact that the doodlerized version of one of you has all the memories and all the abilities to react in certain ways, they are not essentially the same person. There are things that they might do or say or want that are not necessarily in keeping with the person that you know. Just as one might when playing Werewolf or Mafia, the real truth that we're going to find is just once you start really scheming and really zooming in and interrogating one another. So

to begin with, any good game of Among Us has a sheriff, and one of you is going to get to have some information on one of the other people. And I rolled before the game to find out which one of you would start as the sheriff. And you can also outvote the sheriff. You can decide somebody else should be sheriff in the next round. But unfortunately, I rolled in. It was Hermie, which is me. And I already know who, or if not, is anybody else. So I'm going to.

So how good an actor are you, Anthony? That's the question. Yeah, yeah. How good is me? So what I actually want to do is I'm going to say. Wait, wait, wait. Speaking out, if we win this,

is this going to affect the incursion? If there is a doodlerized version and you successfully identify them as a doodlerized version, and you successfully identify them as the doodlerized version, then that person will then be an enemy that you can engage with and try to find where the person they potted, and you can track them down and defeat them and all that kind of stuff.

Oh no, Anthony, what are you doing? Hermione's going to roll a d6, and he's going to see... My brain's already shifted. I'm already being like, is Matt already playing the metag game since the beginning? And now I can't get that question out of my head. What's awesome is like, I remember how good Will was at Among Us. I was terrible at Among Us.

No, when you were like the person, you were really good. And you're smiling. You're smiling. She's killing me. That's her. She's setting me up. This is good. This is good.

But before we get into this. They started attacking me, which makes me think it was Friday. Before we get into this. I hate social adoption games so fucking much. God damn it. Hermes says, ladies, ladies, please. There's no need for all of us to werewolf out. No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be in character anymore. We're not doing that play anymore. I'm so sorry. Hey, Hermes. I don't know, man. Me and Taylor were together the whole time with the FBI. Yes, but that was, that was, did you guys see how much time is now?

Scary, scary team huddle. Oh yeah. One sec guys. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Crazy.

It's probably her me. Scary. We don't know where they went. They just got teleported into our room. They could have been, maybe they're duplex. They're still over there. Right.

But like six foot three tall head is like just above your huddle. Just like slowly rising up in the background yeah but like I didn't see you after the debate I don't think we spent every second together for the last three episodes if I recall I heard a pee pattern

that sounded very similar to to normals so I think you may have split up to go to the bathroom at some point yeah who knows what happened? I know, but I just want number one in there. They can't make a copy of me the whole time just from going number one, can they? I don't know.

Guys, we can't let this already tear us apart. Let me just try something. There's a game that I play with my dads. It's called Bridge. It's really good at detecting each other. Just do me a favor. I'm going to look each of you in the eye and just tell me if you're

an incursion person. We want timers on the voting round, so I'm going to say you get like 15 minutes per round. So I'm going to start that now. I would actually push it even a little faster. Faster? So 10. 10, yeah. Alright, so Terry Jr. says... Wait, maybe you just don't want to get interrogated. Yeah, why do you want the timer to be so fast? Terry Jr. says this is

drama. This is drama, everyone. Take your fingers out of yours, by the way, and just watch this happen. Everybody, 10 minutes on the clock. Talk to my friends. That's Terry. The teacher and I understand each other very well. Let the students do our thing. Okay, Taylor. I am not.

I am me. I am Taylor. Now, Matthew here, Freddie. Are you the incursion? No, I'm not. I've not gotten shit you the incursion? I've not gotten shit. Normally, right? Yeah, it is normally.

Are you the incursion person? I am not the incursion person. Okay. Now, Matt. Matt here. Fuck you, you paranoid piece of shit. I'm not playing your fucking game. I'm not dancing for you. I'm not being a little puppet, Matt.

Really aggressive. Beth. You know what? I wish I was the doodler, because then I would be like a cool badass person and not this person sitting here being fucking interrogated. But you are a cool badass person. Fucking.

Did everyone hear that? She's actually, she has a lot of doubts about herself. Oh my God. Hey, Teach, we can use without the meta commentary. I wish I was the doodler so that I could just crush everybody. Hey, Teach, let her do her process, you jerk. I'm sorry. It's just something we relate to in terms of our feelings about her.

No, go on. Maybe what we gotta do is in the play... Shut your dick! Who are you talking to? The teacher. There's another really... His eyes get very wide and he writes your name down on a piece of paper for later. And I'm flipping him off because nothing matters anymore, baby.

This is my last day of school, so who cares? Lesson of paper for later. And I'm flipping him off because nothing matters anymore, baby. This is my last day of school, so who cares? Let's start a lesson of another classic play, The Hunger Games. And at the end, they don't play the game and they're like in a throne

to eat their berries. How about we just like, we're all going to have to fight this thing one way or the other as a team. Let's just hold hands and just believe in all four of us and just whatever. Let's all play this stupid game.

Or we can get like help or something. Like we can whale who's yeah fucked up to the whale to the whale the teacher's like well don't go well what if we can't leave the classroom this is part of our process we're exploring the dramatic space around us uh nice somebody roll persuasion if you want to or deception or whatever you want got six but what are what are they going to do? Stop us. I got two. Six. So everybody got bad? Ooh, I got three. Okay, great. I got two.

So Terry walks in front of the door with his fingers tumbled and he goes, I think the magic circle of drama. I walked with Terry. Yeah, get him! Get him, baby! You're going to be waiting up for this.

I'll write you up. I'll have you all get expelled. This is not about... The magic circle of drama needs to stay here in this area. I stop the door. I say, wait. If we let it get out of this room, that means the imposter will be in the school at large then who knows what'll happen it's just like in that play the thing you remember at the end of

the play where like if the thing got out and infected the rest of the world it could change everything we know for sure that the imposter is in this room once he gets out that door it could be anywhere it could be anyone wait a minute if you're the imposter if you this room. Once he gets out that door, it could be anywhere. It could be anyone. Wait a minute. If you're the imposter, if you're the doodler, then maybe you want to be in this room for some reason. Wait, wait. Who was the one that suggested that we go back to the whale? It was me.

Oh, so now you want to go into our headquarters? Is that what you're trying to do? Maybe the incursion was trying to get into that. It was trying to break into the headquarters. All right. Freddie speaking here. It is so hard to tell the difference between a mass playing the game and fucking with us.

Also, don't forget that Hermie is president and potentially one of the potentially also do the rise. I forgot to ask you. Oh, did you now?

Hey, look at me. I don't I don't like making eye contact people are recording this podcast. It's hard for me. Is it you, Hermie? No.

Anthony, is it you? No. I wasn't sexy. It was sexy. I didn't sexy. It was sexy. I didn't mean for it to be. That's why I was never going to talk about it. I didn't want to get you so horny you forget to do the podcast. Normal is like, we could go around with if, who, what, when, wherever, all ding-dang day long.

We need hard evidence. And I walk over to the busted zit. Okay. And I want to see if, like, I don't know, are there any gooey zit footsteps going anywhere? I'm investigating the area. Roll investigation, yeah. Oh, shoe sizes, bro. Shoe sizes.

Ooh, I got a 17. So with a 17, you can see that whatever crawled out of here walked on four feet, hunched over, and you can see the tracks lead from the office of the drama teacher out the door that you came in.

How tall is that door? What's an average door for a school? Like seven feet tall, six feet tall? Seven feet tall. So it walked out the door of the classroom? It walked out the door of the classroom to kidnap somebody or to potentially deuterize somebody. We've got a trail.

I say we follow the trail, but everyone keep an eye on each other. Yeah, we should always do that. We're a team. Yeah. Like a suspicious eye Yeah. Should we... Like a suspicious eye now. Should we potentially all hold hands?

I vote for Hermie. Well, that seems unfair. I think we all hold hands and we walk down the hallway and we follow this trail. So who'd like to hold hands with... I'll hold hands with you, Hermie. Hermie, ooh, okay.

Wait a second. What? I wrap my hand in my shirt and then I hold his hand. I don't know if, like, if I touch the bad guy, it'll get me. Ooh, good idea.

I put both of my hands in my shirt and then I hold his hand. I don't know if I touch the bad guy, it'll get you. Good idea. I put both my hands in my shirt and I grab Hermes other hand and I grab Taylor's hand. I put my hands in my shirt too and I grab whoever's hands. I guess we're all doing this exact shirt move. So we all shirt walk down the hallway to follow

the trail. So where are we going? Let's follow the trail. Normal, you said you see a trail. Yeah, see this trail, this gooey barf trail on the ground? I'm surprised we didn't know that. I mean, the school is so gross most of the time anyway because stupid Vice Principal Tony Pepperoni doesn't let me clean it because he says it's against labor laws, but, you know, whatever. Let's see where it goes.

So I follow the trail. So you walk outside of the classroom to the consternation of Terry Jr. He goes, I'm glad you're all – oh, I guess I'll come with you. So he just walks with you. The whole class as well, because they've been told to observe our process. Yeah, yeah. Actually, everybody fought. You know what? Yeah, let's move with the scene. Let's be moving. Let's go

ahead and experience the energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody put on these creepy fuck masks. Okay, so I feel like it is fair that if one of you is doodlerized, that they would want to do something to maybe distract or like fuck up the trailer or something like that. And I feel like they should have an excuse to do that, but they also shouldn't have to be like, I'm going to do that because then you know who they are. So what I would like everybody to do is if you could all close your eyes and roll a die and then I'm going to just go around and see

what everybody's die rolls are and if one of the doodlerized people rolled well, then something will happen. One of the? I don't know. Or maybe just one or maybe none. Two people. Then something will have happened. It has to be two people. One of them is definitely Freddy. It's very likely it's two people. It's not me.

I think it's Freddy too. No, it's not me. I do think it's Freddy. That's for sure, Matt. Literally every time I play, it's Matt. Every time I play, it's not me. I do think it's Freddy. It's for sure Matt. Literally every time I play it's Matt. Every time I play it was Will. Everybody go ahead and close your eyes. Roll your die. I'm going to walk around real quick and see what everybody rolled.

Okay. As you are all holding hands, moving. We're not technically. We're holding shirts. You're holding shirts. Wait a second. I've got three hands holding my shirt. The other two hands you didn't even see coming That was good

I love Jurassic Park Even as you're being followed by the entire class that's going like Wow, wow, wow, really interesting technique here Suddenly The trail stops Fucking dead The trail ends here, where did it end in front of? It just ends in the middle of the street because I'm going to tell you straight up

There was a die roll that was roll. That was a 20. That was a 20? That was a natural 20. There is no trace of where this fucking thing went. And now we are at the end of round one. You're going to vote for one person to get rid of and you will be informed if all the imposters are gone,

having gotten rid of that person. If there are any imposters remaining at all, the game will continue. Is this a binding vote, like they're out? If they're out? It just means that the doodlerized person or persons get an extra... Let's vote for Hermie.

Let's vote for Hermie first. Why? Because there's just as much chance as Hermie. Worst case scenario, Hermie levels, who fucking cares? I was like on your side until right then. Wait, why? Wait, why would you vote for somebody else? I mean, I think it's definitely one of us. I think it's probably Freddie, but like

I'm just saying as a group. I'm going to go 3, 2, 1 and you're going to point at who you're voting for and in majority rules that person's voted out. They still get to talk. They still get to accuse. Okay. Everybody fingers up. 3, 2, 1, vote. There are... I'm voting for no one. Okay, Will's holding a zero up. Everybody

else is pointing at me. I pointed at Freddie. I, Hermie, the unworthy point at Freddie. Hermie goes, I guess I'm not as good an actor as I thought when it comes to telling the truth, because the truth is I am not a doodler thingy. What was the one thing that you saw was that the steps led out of the drama club where I have been the entire time.

Why would it leave the drama club to kidnap somebody who was already there? You buffoons. Philistines. I just want you to know I didn't vote for you because I, I can't believe it was any of you. I love you guys. I feel like I would know if my friends were my friends. I don't even know who I am anymore.

So if you're telling me I can't trust who I am and I can't trust who you are, what can I trust anymore? I got to trust in something and I'm trusting this team. I'm zero all the way. So we got seven minutes and 30 seconds. I want you to know that I voted for you because I think you're a little fucking butthole. Well, I think in the words of Shakespeare's sonnet number 52, it takes one to know one.

I mean, I voted for you because like these are my three really good friends. I really know you and like, I don't know. There was no consequence for voting for you. So like, well, it means that somebody else got a potentially some levels, but whatever. Terry Jr. says, this is great.

We're learning a lot about each other. So you have seven minutes left for the second round. Go ahead and keep talking. There's a, yeah, go ahead.

Beth, are you? I am not. And I'm very fucking suspicious of you by the way. No, I just want to point out that Matt has been saying

nonstop that I came at him hard. I haven't come at anybody. I haven't said shit. He is immediately throwing me under the bus. The first thing you said was, oh my. Matt really made me suspicious

with the move with the Hermit. Why with the Hermit? Because if he was one, he would point to anyone else. He would try and direct the vote. The reason I did it is because it doesn't matter if we do Hermit.

But also like, if Anthony was one of the characters, what would Anthony do? Anthony's not going to be like, I'm very suspicious. Like I'm the Hermit. Oh, wait, wait, wait. And Frey, just so you know,

if you're not the thing, but the reason you came out hard is the first thing that happened before we were even, like, in the realm of life. This is hell. This is why we don't play with these guys. Let me finish.

Well, it's hell because you're one of the guys. The only reason I said you came out hard is because before Anthony even explained that we were doing the whole mafia thing, the first thing you did was, oh, my God, I'm already thinking that's the person. That's the first thing that'll say even before the rules

I would like to make a request that you keep the remainder of the argument in character as much as you can yeah, that makes sense everyone, stand back and I cast detect good and evil okay

okay what's your spell called? Because I have divine sense. What's yours? It's called detect good and evil. No. I'm going to cast divine sense. And I want to see if anyone's giving off evil auras.

I hope I'm giving off evil auras, but not really. Scary, you know, I think just meeting your stepdad, I feel like I'm getting a better picture of who you are. Yeah, last I'm starting to make sense. Come into focus, so to speak. That's not even true. You know, I like you for who you are,

like, just anyway. You have no idea who I am. Well, then I know. Nobody does. Yeah, that's cool as hell. I just like even the tip of the iceberg that I see, and I'm sure the rest

is great, too. I just want you to know that. So what I'm going to say is both Divine Sense and Detect Good and Evil are going to allow you to know how many there are.

It's got to be two. How about that? Yeah, that's great. There's one. That means it's one of us. I mean, one of you. You just said us. I mean, one of us, the four of us. But one of you because it's not me. Look. Wait a minute. What? Link, why did you want to steal those Laffy Taffys, man?

Yeah, Link, that's real out of character. You stole Laffy Taffys? Yeah, why, man? Because, man. And now nobody's laughing. My whole life has been doing what my dad said and believing the adults know what they're talking about. But look, Miss Hale's useless.

Our dads are useless. My dad killed people. And then the FBI was in the FBI, and they tried to kill us. And I don't know. It's just like, I just wanted a Laffy Taffy. And, like, normally I'd be like, that's not my Laffy Taffy. I don't have money for it. I gotta save up for that.

But, like, why do I have to save up for that? I don't know. I just wanted to eat it. And then I felt bad afterwards. I didn't even realize I gave you. You ate it. That's right. I ate it.

And it was delicious. You ate the stolen Laffy Taffy? Oh, yeah, it makes sense. Are we kidding? Are we kidding? Yeah, no, that checks out. I don't know how to figure this out. What do we do?

Terry Jr. says, perhaps talking about your desires, your motivations, your feelings. Oh, God. Maybe if we all kind of spill our guts a little bit, it'll expose some critical flaw. Taylor, why don't you start? Why don't you share a little bit? Well, I met my dad, you guys. Yeah, you met your dad? How did you feel about that?

It was pretty wild. It was pretty jacked up. He hasn't been seen my whole life. And then he came back to tell me that I was right the whole time. I am the chosen one. And I need to disappear from my life. Henceforth, this will be my last day in school. And the rest of you, this will be the last time we hang out together.

Because it's a life of hiding. So you're saying you've got nothing to lose by never seeing us again. Well, I'm supposed to go into a solitary life of the Ronin, a life of hiding, drifting amongst the crowds, almost like Richon, the anime superhero. Are you going to leave us? I put my hand on Link's shoulder. It's not that I want to, my friend, but I have to.

And you'll have to all probably come with me, too, because if I'm going out on the run, they're going to come after you next. I'm afraid that's... What? I had more monologue. We only have a couple of minutes, though. I got more. Just put a pin in that one, everyone.

The thing knows exactly who we are, though. So act just like us. That's my only... I'm not to say... It's great that we all discuss our feelings. We can do that. But the zit, why don't we just all put our faces really close? Because if you are from that zit, it's probably not gross.

Whereas, like, me, like, I'd throw up if I get too close to it. Like, maybe we all just, like. You want us to all put our faces near the zit. Yeah. It's like the thing, you know? Like, I'm just trying to think of, like. No, you're right. Because I bet that if we eat the zit juice, it'll taste really gross.

Oh, no. And the one who it doesn't taste gross for, maybe they'll barf? Is that what you're saying? Okay, let's all eat the zit juice. No! You're just trying to make us all doodlerized. No, that's not how that works. How do you know how it works?

Look, if we all eat the zit juice, a normal person would throw up. This is disgusting. I'm not doing it. I'm walking to eat the zit juice. I'm not doing this shit. I walk and I put my finger in it and I lick the juice.

Okay, roll constitution 11 are you trying to throw up or are you trying to keep it down or trying to throw it up you're just trying to see what will happen i mean you want me i mean me i'm saying that as a person who's not the incursion person i think if i ate the juice would make me throw up okay so yeah you put it in your mouth and with an 11 it's all over you oh god the time is the worst thing i've ever tasted time is up now. Terry is like, this is great. Look,

he's, look how dedicated this man is to his role. Now it is time to vote once again. Also, I think you actually have everything you need

for Code Purple. So good for all of you. Wait, what? Yes, it's time to vote. Everybody go ahead and vote. Wait,

we can save our dads right now? What are you talking about? We'll talk about it after the show. No, but that's the only thing that, okay. That'll be the epilogue. Let's just get through this then.

Let's just do this. Fingers up. I look at Lincoln's barf to see if there's Laffy Taffy in it. There's not. I didn't eat any. Shit, that's where I look at it. Bro, you almost had it, dude. You almost had such a fucking galaxy brain.

Dude, nice try, Doro. That would have been good. You see? None of you ate the zit juice before we voted. Just don't vote for anybody yet. Don't get rid of any of our friends. Fingers up, please. Three, two, one, vote.

Why are you pointing at me? I don't want to. I'm out. You cannot point at me anymore. Herbie is like, what are you doing? I wasn't sure you couldn't vote. Lincoln, why are you obsessed with me, Lincoln? Is there something you want to tell me, Lincoln?

It could hurt you if you already voted out. Everybody vote again. Point out who you voted for. I didn't vote for anybody. Can you vote for zero? I vote for nobody. Yes, you can vote for zero. Yes, you can vote for zero.

Yes, Link, you can vote for zero. Okay, zero. I voted for... You voted for? Scary voted for... Freddy. Freddy. Scary's pointing at Taylor.

Scary? But why? I don't think you're Taylor. Why don't you think he's Taylor? Why doesn't she think you're you? What's going on? Why? There's just a feeling I get that you're not telling me the truth. I can't believe I'm me. I'm Taylor.

I've been Taylor this whole time. Terry, you just gotta walk over to Hermes. That big deal. Hermes puts his arm around you and says, it's okay. They'll come around. They'll learn the value that we bring to this group dynamic sooner or later. But all of you are once again, incorrect. They were supposed to be my sidekicks.

Oh, well, looks like they've unionized. Then what am I without the sidekicks? Wait, can I take my bow back? If you're looking for a new sidekick, I think I might know someone for the job. Are you referring to yourself, Hermie? Maybe. And you're not like totally peeved that I voted for you in round one?

Bygones and bygones, my friend. Oh, hell yeah, my new dude. And I fucking preb or high five Hermie, my new best friend. Ow. I squat down and look at the barf. So just so you know, we're in the final round and this is going to be five minutes only.

Okay. Just each of you, you two, especially you, Scary, I'm not saying it's your fault that you voted for, like, just, can you eat the barf? Eat the zit juice. It's just gross. What? This is, what the fuck are you talking about, Matt? I did. Freddy, you're dead now. Hey.

Nobody's dead. He's just in the classroom. Wait, can we find out if Freddy was... Yeah, the game is still going, which means it was not Freddy. It was not Taylor. It was one of you two. Terry Jr. says, no, no, it was not. It was not Taylor, it looks like.

Okay, just explain to me the logic as your characters, why the encouraging person would probably not throw up if they ate Zichu's. If you guys think that's weird, then that's fine. What would stop the person from just throwing up? Yeah. Can you just throw up on... Can you throw up? Yeah, without putting your finger Can you just throw up? Can you throw up?

Yeah, without putting your finger around it, just throw up. What do you mean? Who throws up on command? To be fair, the way you described it was that you put your finger into your mouth and then throw up. Yeah, because it's disgusting. Oh, I didn't. Did you watch it? You could have staged a throw up.

Here, here. I take some and I drip it into my mouth so my fingers don't near it. Roll constitution again. Do I want high if I want to throw up? If it's high, you won't throw up. And I'm mentally putting a bonus in if you are deuterized. Okay, I got a 15. You don't throw up.

What are we supposed to make of that? I don't know, man. Maybe you're trying to get rid of the evidence. Look, it's really weird to me that neither of you, I just did this twice for us because I care about us as a group and one of you is like not my friend anymore. So just can't either of you do it? Anyway, he was acting real fucking strange, my man. I'm trying to hurt me.

Scary. Do you regret voting for Taylor? Oh, kind of. Now that I figured out he wasn't the doodler, but I still had a weird feeling about him. I have a weird feeling about him. Ladies, get used to that weird feeling about me. So it's metal to like, why won't you just take a thing of zit juice? I think he's working really hard to convince us that the zit juice is

something. I think we're getting kind of gaslit here into doing something. Okay. To be clear. Well, I don't know that the zit juice doesn't make you the thing. Okay. Please come up with another.

We only have so many minutes. You don't do a COVID-70 test by licking a big pile of COVID-70 and vomiting. You said you hated this. I'm the only person trying to... Then come up with it here. I'll be quiet. Come up with another solution. I'm the only one who came up with a plan. Are there security cameras in the school? Yes. Okay, I would like to... Because we're in future hell, America.

These cameras have been recording 24-7. Maybe we can see something on the school security footage to figure out what happened with the doula like wait there's a camera pointed at that room we'll see the thing come out of it potentially yeah how do i think we're just gonna see it go to where the trail stopped anyways but that was sabotage what it was sabotage i gotta vote for one of you at this point you can head to the you can head to the quiet and you're not neither of you want to do the plan so like my mind is gross yeah of course it's do the plan. I'm quiet because it's gross. Yeah, of course it's gross.

The fact that you think it's gross is making me feel like maybe it's you. I think he's doodlerized. I'm just throwing it out here. I'm going to go to the off. Everyone follow me. And if you want to figure this out, right? This seems like a plan. Wait, where are you going? Let's look at the security footage. That's all I'm saying. I'm sorry, Normal. I'm going to try to shove

Zichu's into Normal's mouth. Wow. It's so him. footage that's all I'm saying I'm sorry normal I'm going to try to shove zit juice into normal strength I'm the only person. I thought it was you, but now I'm... I got a seven. I got an eight. Okay, so both of you weakly slap at each other. Like, now what are you doing? And it barely just drips into your mouth, just a little bit of in your mouth. Go ahead and roll a constitution.

I got a 12. Okay, so with a 12, you vomit. I barf in your face. Are you happy now? Oh, yes, it's coming. Okay. So with a 12, you vomit. I barf in your face. Are you happy now? Oh, this is going to be fucking really quick. Did it turn into an incursion person? No. So like whatever I was doing was not some weird thing to make you an incursion person.

I'm just trying to see if you threw up. Do you understand? Like if this was some other plan to get you zit juice, that would be the thing. I mean, it still seems pretty rowdy, dude. It is rowdy, but like I'm scared. Can we please just go check the freaking security footage? I'm sure. Okay.

I'll do your thing okay so you show up at the office and Pepperoni Tony is sitting at the front desk of the office going I can't believe I have to be the fucking

office receptionist too because everybody's quick whoa whoa whoa there's a lot of you what's going on why is there a field trip today what's up hello everyone

Tony Pepperoni this is school emergency I need to look at the security camera go ahead and roll something persuasion I got a 22.

Wow. 22. He goes, oh, of course. There's an immediate prank emergency. I think someone wrote Tony Pepperoni sucks and gets cut by his neighbor. And he just, he, Vince McMahon walks to the surveillance camera room and you can see a blur coming out of the theater department.

He's switching between the different, he goes, where the fuck is that graffiti of me? I don't suck at all. Simultaneously, you can see a blur coming out of the theater department. He's switching between the different. Where the fuck is that graffiti of me? I don't suck at all. Simultaneously, you can see normal and scary are leaving the debate room. And then around the similar time, like a couple minutes later, you see Link and Taylor pulling up in the pussy wagon in the driveway. Yeah, that's our new ride. And he's like, what is that? That is inappropriate.

That's my new ride, motherfucker. That's your detention. A hundred detentions. That's completely inappropriate. This is my last day. I'm putting in my eight hours of notice. That's not how this works. I just came back because it was a pizza day.

You see the blur. Good school lunch. Look to its left and look to its right. And to its left are normal and its right and to its left are normal and scary and to its right are link and taylor in the parking lot and it looks and it hesitates for a second and it heads to the left towards normal and scary now oh no put your fingers up oh my god i'm going to count down from three. Matt is the deciding factor. There's no way to stop it.

Holy shit. Three, two. Will and Beth will vote for each other. Matt is the deciding vote. Three, two, one, vote. Link votes for Scary. So Terry Jr. puts his hands to his chin. I don't trust Will,

but I'm just taking this from the vomit thing. And he says, I think we've learned a lot here today. Oh no. I do. So I wanted to say that I'm very, very from the vomit thing. And he says, I think we've learned a lot here today. Oh no. I do. So I wanted to say that I'm very, very proud of all of you. Oh my God.

I'm proud. If you actually are in there, I get why you find him annoying. Now I'm not usually like this. I'm also being messed up by doodler stuff. This is the way I can connect and maintain some sort of sanity as it's being slowly sapped away by the world that I'm in. I just want you to know scary that I love you very, very much.

If you can hear me in there. I just want you to know that I'm not like the other girls. And in that moment, Scary splits open down the middle like a zipper. And inside is a writhing tentacle mass of horror and saliva and slime. All our days whisked away. Is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be all right.

Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. It'll be all right. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow

Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way Not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies as Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Birch as our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow.

And myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Trailer voices were Tim Wells and Amanda Schuckman. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Totax Wilder provided a name we used in this episode.

Some of the fine patrons who support our show are people with names like Carowind, Emily Scott, Michael Cash, Kiefer Mawir, Andrew Strother, Albert Treat, Saturn Sagal, Isaiah, Karen McLeod, Brian Erickson, Kinson Jenkins, Jordan Rolston, Brian Gennara, Savvy Hannah Kohai, Ezra Eels, Corey Richardson, Andrew Cox, and Emily

Stotherd. You can directly support the show and get ad free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. You can also get Sons and Sons Ability Episode 3, the finale, which is coming out later on this month. The thrilling conclusion to our Regency-era madcap comedy romance one-shot that released on our Patreon as a stretch goal. Here's a little audio snippet to convince you it's funny and that you want to listen to it. Oh, Wario! Wario, you're being summoning! Didn't Wario die?

Wait, Wario fucking died. Unless. Oh, he died. Sorry. Well, Warrior. Warrior, you're being summoned. Oh, oh, oh. Didn't Warrior die? Wait, Warrior fucking died. Unless. Oh, he died. Sorry. Well. Unless. Unless. Unless.

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Next episode's coming out Tuesday, June 28th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Brave while we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say not today

no not today I don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow I'll be on my way no I'm not sorry I didn't ask your name I don't care about your name but I'm kind of curious what's your name? I have it written down just give me two seconds that's a weird thing.

I thought that was funny.