Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 12 - Scary Movie 2

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Inside all of us there are two Scarys. This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, welcome back to Sizzler's Teen Voices Open Mic Night. Yep, yep. Next up, we have Terri... Oh, it says Scary? Scary Marlow. Okay, I'm performing an original poem.

Let's give it up for Scary, come on! This is a poem about something that happened to me recently. It's very personal, and it's called Imposter Syndrome. Yes. There is a darkness inside me blacker than my mascara. Mean like a dog when a dog is mean. I mean, nobody understands me. Recently, the feeling of being frozen in place

while a tourist lives your life goes by your name. Oh, the pain of an entity so odious it makes my disposition disappear behind that of a monster's countenance. But count on this, I will not be a pod person. I will escape this odd prison of

goo and slime, of prickly tentacles plugged into my skin, the pulsing din of a doodler creature taking over my life and wearing my face. As for my friends, may they swallow zit juice,

drink their own puke to find the truth within. The scary they call their friend is nothing more than an imposter. A fucking imposter! The end.

Thank you. Thank end. Thank you. Thank you. Next up is Herman the Unworthy performing, not an original here everybody, he's performing the classic AMC Theater's monologue as made famous by our sweetheart, Dame Nicole Kidman.

Nicole Kidman. You don't get to do that. You don't respect our listeners, Will. That's a little shtick, though, is he interrupts you. It's cute. This is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world. Oh, they're four teens. All right, I'm done. I'm done. And our world's been changed because their grandfathers fucked it up, just like real life. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, boomers.

Thanks, the greatest generation. My name is Freddie Wong. Well, in this show, we're the generation. We're the greatest generation in this show. Finally. We're the ones who fuck it up. That's true. You're right.

My name is Ray Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving, survivalist ranger teen of the group. This week's dad fact is. Should we do a little sword sound effect? That's cool. I like that. That could be your thing. Sword sound effects.

What if every time I rolled the dice, it was like shing? That'd be cool. Cool sword sound effects. Sure. No. Did I tell you one day? I'm on my phone when I said that too. I was about to say that.

I was really perfecting the image. I'm trying to level up and I'm just now. Taylor's rad fact for this week. Taylor plays the spy in TF2. He's a spy main. Okay. Is TF2 still around?

Still around. The hat economy eventually displaced the NFT attempts in the early 21st century. They went back to hats. They went back to hats. They went back to TF2 hats. They're like, we had it right all along. That's right.

Yep. Love it. What's TF2? Never mind. It's like that scene in The Matrix where they're underneath the bridge and he opens the door and it's like, you know that road. You know where it leads. And so

once again, Beth stays in the car. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Look, Link's a simple boy, so this is not going to be a complicated fact. I'm going to start the five week process of his favorite senses.

It's so nice to know what I'm doing next week. So this week, I'm just going to do smell. And it's just freshly cut lawn. It's a nice, fresh lawn smell. I guess it's the soccer smell, too, probably. It's a great soccer field. It's a job well done, honestly, because usually him and his dad do the lawn together. It's family.

It's soccer. It's everything he loves. What do you want? He's not a complicated person. He likes soccer and family. All right? I'm just a humble country dad. likes soccer and family. All right? Stop looking at me, Will.

Sorry if I wasn't enough for you, Will. It's been a long time since I've smelled freshly cut grass, I gotta say. I don't really like it. I'm sorry. It smells like hot dogs to me. Wait, I'm fucked up. What? I always think of hot dogs when I smell freshly cut. Hey, everyone.

I'm Matt Mercer. Oh, my. I smell hot dogs. I smell hot dogs. Hey, everyone. I'm Matt Mercer. Oh, my. I smell hot dogs. I smell hot dogs. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Normally Oak, the mixed-up mascot who doesn't know who he is anymore. For this week's Normal Fact, I wanted to dig a little deeper on Normal's full name.

A lot of people online are like, oh, is Normal Lee like his Lee? Something like Ree, like how Ree means you're from Oakvale and C means from the suburbs outside of Oakvale? So, yes, Lee means you are a descendant of someone from Oakvale, which is why normal's full name is normally Lee Oak Swallows Garcia. So, wait, is Link from, like, Oakvale? No, mine's Lee, like, because Marco's last name, L-I, is Lee. Okay. It's different Lee and Marco. Say that.

Well, one more time. It's normally Lee Oak Swallows Garcia. Jennifer Jason Lee is also from Oakvale. Jennifer Jason Lee. I like that, Shannon. That's good. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlo. She's back.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Have you ever scared somebody so bad that they got COVID? No, I swallowed spit into my... God, have you ever scared somebody so bad that they, like, got COVID? No, I swallowed spit into my lungs. I gasped too hard. What a way to die, that would be. Oh, shit.

That's how I want to go. Fun fact about... Oh, fuck. Oh, no. You boo-boo in the room. It's disgusting. Leave the room. Beth needs to give a fact. Get out of here. No, no, I haveoon. Leave the room. It's disgusting. Leave the room. Beth needs to give a fact. Get out of here.

No, no. I have a straw. Stay away from your microphone. Who gives a shit about your straw? You're like getting closer when you're coughing. He just ran into the kitchen and tripped on a cord and hit his fucking foot. This isn't a live show. You can edit this.

He didn't even trip on a cord. He didn't? What are you doing? I think that we should cut it out. I don't even think it's that funny. Freddie's walking back with a glass and he bought this $40 hiccup straw that he tried to show me last time and it did not work. Okay.

Okay. It's my favorite thing that's ever happened. Is it an empty hiccup straw? I have a straw. So this straw was invented by a doctor to cure hiccups. So you have to just suck water through it. Wow. Here we go.

Last time he did this, he hiccuped five seconds afterwards. It worked. Hey, I'm Beth May. Hey, Beth. And I play Scary Marlow. How much money would you give to make Freddy cough right now and hiccup for another hour? A goth punk seeker of darkness How much money would you give to make Freddy cough right now and hiccup for another hour?

A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks or like any of the other people that are around her. Because fun fact about Scary this week is that last week she was doodlerized. So she's not how she is. Is that a cheap dad fact, teen fact, rad fact? Maybe. Maybe. It's fine. We're going to do the whole hiccup thing, so that time is already spent.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. So this week, I'm going to do the first ever recommendation of a piece of media to consume, a Rec Me Daddy of season two. Oh, wow. Rec Me, please. If you're not familiar with what we did in season one,

I think twice maybe in three years, I recommended something that I think people should watch. And today I'm going to recommend a movie called EECHA. E-E-C-H-A. Don't Google it yet. What you want to do is you want to go to YouTube and you're going to prepare yourself for the fact that after the first thumbnail,

you're going to see a bunch of spoilers. So just like narrow those eyes, just kind of squint and get them all blurry and then type in E-E-C-H-A into YouTube into youtube it's a five dollar rental don't look up anything about it is directed by the same guy who directed rrr which is on netflix which you should have already watched depending on where you are also it could also be eega yeah it could be eega um at that point you'll probably know what the movie's about but even once you know the premise is still a great movie the first 20 minutes you're gonna be like this has some bad gender politics i know

stick with it it's fucking great. Stay with us. So when we last left the group, you were attempting to figure out who had been doodlerized by a secret sort of the thing-esque doodler creature that could mimic any one of you. And you voted twice incorrectly to identify the doodler creature. And the third time you correctly identified Scary Marlow. I'm pretty sure it's Matt still. So am I, yeah. That's the long game, everybody.

Also, we did it on the third try. It's about the same percentage success rate as probably like a monkey, right? That's guessing, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's only five people, so. Yeah, and you took you the majority of the guesses, so yeah. I would love like an episode of the podcast that was just us replaced by monkeys. So that means that everyone who's not scary got one level up, and everyone who is scary got two levels up.

I did. So that brings us to level three, for those of you keeping track. What's scary's level now? I'm level seven. Boo. Boo. No, yeah, she's our leader, I thought. So that brings us to level three, for those of you keeping track. What's Scary's level now? I'm level seven. Boo! No, yeah, she's our leader, I thought. Well, she is now. Yeah. Okay, so it's a point of order. She wasn't doodle-rized. It wasn't like the body

of Scary split in half. So just to clarify, it's like Scary's somewhere? Scary is somewhere. It was communicated to you by Terry Jr. that the way this thing probably works is that it is like the invasion of the body snatchers where you have to have a pod of a person

and the pod is like giving the fucking data to the alien that can then like mimic them. So somewhere, Scary is alive, sentient, and remembers everything that happened to her pod person duplicate. And having the time of her life. So yeah. Playing TF2 probably.

Probably playing TF2. She loves it. Probably, yeah. Okay. What do you think is her favorite TF2 character to play, Beth? Beth, what do you think

about 2-4? TF2, probably like Tony Hawk. Bucky LASIK maybe. Fuck, that'd be really good. Okay, so without any further ado, Scary had said that she is not like other girls.

She had turned into a gelatinous mass of tentacles and mucus. Ah! Since you correctly got her out, you can take one action before she takes an action. So any one thing that any one of you would like to do. Oh, let's see what level three got me. Are you playing essentially this version of me?

I will determine what it does, but you will say stuff as that thing. It's like the improv game where someone sticks your arms and they're your arms. Oh, I love that. You know what I mean? They're behind you and you're the arms. I love watching it. I've never done it. It's exhilarating. It's the most intimate

I've ever been with another person. That's actually how Matt and I wrote video games. I think I'm going to instinctively draw my katana and make an attack, but I have now, as a ranger, I've chosen my subclass, which is a plane walker,

or I think it's a horizon walker or something like that. It allows me to... Yeah, those two words are really close. Planar warrior, planar warrior. Okay. As a bonus action, choose one creature you see within 30 feet.

The next time I hit that creature on this turn of the weapon, all damage dealt by the attack becomes force damage. And the creature takes an extra 1d8 force damage. What is force damage? I don't know. Anthony, what is force damage? DM is the guy who knows.

What's force damage, Dutty? It's just a type of damage like any other that certain creatures are more susceptible to. It's done by the force from Star Wars. So there. It's what Beth said. I channel the force like Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. Yep. That's exactly what this is.

And then I make a strike. Okay. Go ahead and roll. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to roll my new Dungeons and Daddies branded Odyssey

saw and dice experience. It may not be out yet. We just got the prototypes. We're doing dice. By the way, check out our store store. Dungeons and days.com. There's a bunch of new stuff for father's day and dice will be

there soon. I'm going to roll my official dice. This is the first time an official roll. This D20 has a Honda Odyssey. Oh my God. I threw it outside of the box. 11. It was just 11?

I've been rolling 11s nonstop. 11 plus 3, 14. Describe to me why you miss. I don't know how that could describe that. Okay, so you slice forward. It's not like I'm a performer on a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. He can do anything as long as it makes him sound cooler. He refuses to do anything that makes him sound incompetent.

I don't think I know how to describe missing my weapon. I would never do that, though. I go for the draw, and as I rush forward, I draw, but I don't grip my sword hard enough, so my hand just goes... Ah, there you go. And the sword's still in, because it's stuck in my scabbard. But everybody else is so used to you doing stuff really quickly it's like oh my god did he do it

did he like cut him did he cut him into three pieces and we're gonna pause he's gonna fall over and everybody like takes a breath so here's what i do is i immediately return my hand to the sword to make it look like that like i did that thing where you go and you quickly draw it back in and then i still hold the pose but if you look closely i'm sweating world deception for the monster i know he missed yeah everybody roll perception if I know he missed. Yeah, everybody roll perception to see if he completely whiffed or not. I got a three. So Scary Doodle is like, oh, oh my God, did he do it?

I got 18 plus two, so I got 20. I look over at Link and I'm like, don't you fucking do it. I got a 19, so I don't. I just give you like a, hey man, everybody messes up. I cross my eyes, so I'm looking at both of them at the same time. It's so scary that you don't use your sword. Okay, so as you do that, the scary doodler convinced that you've just wounded it irreversibly

in some way that it will figure out later. Like it thinks you did the five point bomb exploding heart technique or something. Raises itself up really tall and vertical and you see tendrils of like the mucus that holds it together kind of like stretching and snapping Kind of like when that head detaches from the body and the thing and then it goes And it dives down into the ground and it hits the ground with its head as hard as it can and it burrows down Underneath the pavement because you're outside and it's there all winter. Oh You did it it begins

You got it and then it begins to start moving. And you see, not unlike Bugs Bunny, a hump in the ground as it speeds across the school really, really quickly. You boys would know a lot about hump in the ground, right? Who told you about that? And it starts heading towards the parking lot. Is the parking lot our jurisdiction? I mean, there's probably other teens that can take care of that thing, right? It looked pretty bad. Mr. Sampler, where's your stepdaughter?

You must know. I mean, why are you sitting here? That means your daughter's around somewhere. Is this your daughter that you like a whole bunch? Terry says, like, of course I'm freaked out. I'm trying not to be freaked out. I've been playing a character this whole time you've seen me. I'm trying to get into character.

Well, stop. I'm just trying to think of the calmest person I ever met, this piece of shit guy named Barry Oak, who was just very zen, very calm, very cool. That's where I'm trying to be and not freak outest person I've ever met. This piece of shit guy named Barry Oak who's just very zen, very calm, very cool. That's where I'm trying to be and not freak out about the fact that my stepdaughter is getting taken away. But no. Okay, fuck it. Let's get out of character. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck! Okay, alright, let's go get her.

Everybody follow me. It's going to find Terry. Scary, scary. It's going to find Scary. Why? Because if you wounded it, or at least if it thinks it's been wounded, it's going to head back to wherever probably it's taking my daughter. Talk while we run. I am. I'm running.

I start running. I tie my laces. I start going after the- My bum's funny. My feet go, and I run in place for a second and then take off like a shot. So now like a J.J. Abrams movie,

you can give us the exposition as we're running after this thing. He goes, get in. My car, wait, shit, I don't have a car and I can't touch anything.

All right, we're just going to jog. Everybody, actually, do any of you have a car? I got a car. Okay. Step inside the pussy mobile.

He's not like corporeal. Yeah, he's not corporeal. Yeah, won't he just get left behind when the car takes off? Yeah, he will. No. I mean, it's fine. He'll just follow us. It's fine, he'll follow you eventually.

But yeah, he goes, okay, let's get in the car. And he tries to get into the pussy wagon, but then he realized his hand goes through the truck and then his feet go through and he goes, God damn it. All right, well, just follow that mound of dirt to its destination. And that's where you're going to find Scary.

Scary will be in a pod. Just make sure you get her away and then you can kill this thing. Okay. Hey, thanks. I'm going to be right after you. Okay. And he starts jogging as your car pulls out. I jump into the pussy wagon.

What was Scary wearing today? Oh yeah, she had like a scrunchie on. I'm going to cast locate object, which allows me to detect where an object. I guess we're just following the thing though, so I don't need to do that. You can also do that. No, that's cool. Well, yeah, we might get there faster. I produce a forked twig, which is the component I need for this, which is I just take a fork from the cafeteria and break two of the tines off.

So it's a forked twig now. And then I say, scary scrunchie. As long as it's within 1,000 feet of me, I know the direction it's in and the direction it's going. It's definitely not within 1,000 feet of you. As we get closer, maybe, because we're following the Bugs Bunny thing right now. No, no, because sometimes Scary wears her hair down. Sometimes it's a scrunchie, but she doesn't always wear a scrunchie. I'm pretty sure she had a scrunchie on today.

Normally, I pay attention to those kind of details, but I thought it was a cute scrunchie. It had little skulls on it. I was like, that seems a little extra, but it's kind of her thing. So I was like, good for you. As you drive the pussy wagon in and out of traffic, does somebody want to roll animal handling to see how dexterously you're driving? I'm definitely driving. Animal handling.

I'm hanging out the window screaming, emergency, emergency. Does that like give us any advantage of like cars moving all the way? No. You just, all anybody hears is a teen screaming as his friend driving a car that says pussy wagon on the back is zooming in between traffic. So any opinions that people around you had about teenagers have just been completely verified and validated. I shout, Taylor, turn up the music. And then I sync my phone to the Bluetooth system and play a looping car police siren sound effect.

The Bluetooth device cannot be connected while you're moving. Oh, no, hit the brakes real quick so I can get into the settings. I slam on the brakes. What happens with a nine? So with a nine, you definitely like sideswipe a car. You take some of the bright yellow paint off the side of the pussy wagon as you hit a poor pedestrian's minivan. Oh, no. That was our car.

It's funny because I was just imagining the pedestrian's minivan. So the guy like parked it and he's across the street and he's like getting a coffee and he comes out and he sees it. He's like, ah, my minivan. But i'm a pedestrian because i'm on foot otherwise i would be in the right those are two different words you're right you're totally right yeah he's walking to his car and he's like again i just love it because we were like oh this season's gonna be like we'll have the nissan quest it's gonna be a pussy wagon, tragically, but I mean, very teenage. So this season's called Pussy Wagon. This is the Pussy Wagon arc. But Pussy Wagon, the phrase is probably trademarked, so it just has to be

Dungeon Dread Daddy's colon pussy. Without the U. Okay, you find yourself heading in a direction that is beginning to feel a little familiar to you. It's kind of near the mall, towards the mall, towards the place you've hung out a lot. And then as you get to within a thousand feet of it, normal, you get a ping in your brain immediately that says the scrunchie is at Sonic. The place you have never been, the interior of the Sonic restaurant chain with Sonic the Hedgehog's turgid penis sort of acting as a North Star, lighting your way to your best friend, Scary Marlow.

There is a shortcut you could potentially take that might get you there quicker than the- Yeah, it's called through the front door with the truck. Have you guys seen Blues Brothers? It's gonna try to go north. You know of a shortcut potentially that could take you like to the east. You know, it's short as the teens now around town.

I don't know. I'm just trying to give you an opportunity to make a choice to do something reckless to get there quicker. But if you don't want to do that, that's fine you an opportunity to make a choice to do something reckless to get there quicker. But if you don't want to do that, that's fine. What is it? The monster's going

as the Bugs Bunnies. We need to go a different direction. What's the shortcut? Is it a jump? No, it's like a shitty alleyway that people use for their trash. And half the time you take it,

it's fine because people haven't put their trash out. But on trash day, there's a bunch of dumpsters and stuff that you don't see until you get to the park. You're a goody two-shoes who likes to mow lawn.

What day is trash day? Trash day is every other Wednesday. Roll a dice. Was this Wednesday or last Wednesday? What's the other? It's a 10. So I don't know. Take the shortcut.

We got to get there. It's a 10. So it's a differently Wednesday. So I have rolled to see whether or not today is trash day. Are you going to take that? Yes, I'm taking the shortcut. Okay.

I'm going to act like the passenger in a rally car. Oh yeah. Yeah. And fucking speak directions ahead. I pulled up the GPS and I know the turns coming down this alley. I can see which alleyways are houses. I can guess, oh, there's probably going to be some fucking trash cans on the right side here, because there's a lot of houses, whereas the left side, according to the fucking satellite view,

is a bunch of fences. The point is, can I roll to see if I can, you know, navigate? Be my rally driver. Yeah, go ahead and roll. Roll perception. We were in a car for a while together. Perception or investigation. There's a factory that makes cool jumps in this alley,

and their trash is cool jumps, so there might be some cool jumps sitting in the road. All right, Taylor, looks like we're riding together again, buddy. High five, just ignoring Normal right behind us. Me and Taylor having this driving moment. Normal takes a D6 of psychic damage from the body going down. Just you and me, buddy. Taylor, we're in this again, man.

We're in a car again. We're going to do it. We're going to save our friend. I got 19. Wow. Okay, so the 19, you know. Soft left turn, two. Right hard right turn, six.

Number two left turn, Roger. Number four right turn, Roger. Yeah, and watch out for the road. That's not helpful. You got to give a number based on what the severity of the turn is. Normal clear the communication barrier. Clear the communication. Only efficient communication. Normal, clear the communication barrier. Clear the communication. Only efficient communication, normal.

All right, I'm sorry. All right, so with a 19, you do all the things you just said. But also, you know before you make the turn that it is trash day. But with a 19, you also know that there is a sick jump that could potentially get you over the entire alley worth of trash. Potentially.

I mean, it's only like two or three restaurants, so it's like three dumpsters. You could potentially jump three dumpsters if you went really fast, but. It's only like two or three restaurants you're going to jump over. You're going to jump a buca di beppo in two Fridays. Oh, no. We're going to clip that neon bee on top of the buca di beppo. So, yeah, do you want to take this crazy risky jump down the alley or do you want to take the normal path

and show up a little bit behind the monster? Hey guys, it's like... This is just like that poem. Okay, it wasn't that funny. It was very funny. I'm taking the jump. I'm taking the jump, obviously. Hey Taylor, give me a J.

Give me a U. Give me an M. Give me a P. Jump. Gun roll, I am a Hamlin. Damn, dude. I afraid Iced you out. We'll see M. Give me a P. Jump. Gun roll, Anno Hamlin. Damn, dude. I afraid Iced you out. We'll see how you react to it when you land.

Norm was drenched in sweat from how hard he's bombing in the backseat. 14. All right. So with a 14, you jump the Buga de Beppo in the first Fridays. It's just the restaurants now. It's not the dumpsters anymore. I've decided it's the restaurants. They have little pop-up restaurants in this one alley on trash day.

They go, hey, do you want some like Buga de Beppo from like a food tent? From this dumpster? Buga de Beppo's not sandwiched between two Fridays. No, no, it's Buga de Beppo and then two Fridays next to each other. Watch out, it's Lady and the Tramp Day at Buga de Beppo.

There's a ton of dogs sharing some cake. Oh no, those dogs. They're in love. So you perfectly land between two dogs as they're about to start kissing each other. You don't kill either dogs. They're in love. So you perfectly land between two dogs as they're about to start kissing each other. You don't kill either of the dogs. It's okay. Humvee-length strand of spaghetti.

Yeah, yeah. It was a really long... They make it just for the dogs to really keep the sexual tension as long as it could possibly be. It takes them about 20 minutes to get to the middle. That is the sexiest scene

in all of Disney animation. I thought you were just going to say in cinema. It's that and N the doing the eyes. So anyway, you come down like halfway into the tent of the Fridays and you collapse the tent. You don't hit anybody. You destroy the romance between these two dogs. They end up getting divorced.

But the front tires land kind of hard. Nobody's in there, right? Nobody eats at the Fridays. It doesn't matter. It would have worked out. You're a tramp and I'm a lady. Not on a Wednesday they don't. The car is damaged now. It's going to move It would have worked out. You're a tramp and I'm a lady. Not on a Wednesday, they don't. Nice. The car is damaged now. It's going to move a little bit slower,

but you managed to get to the Sonic just before the baddie does. What are you going to do? I want to blow through the front door of the Sonic. We should just blow through the front door. With the car? Yeah. Fucking old person on a farmer's market style, dog.

I mean, like most people in the passenger seat, I can't really stop you. That's what you want to do. Go for it. Also to do. And the bouncer is going to stop us, but he can't stop a truck. That's true. As Taylor's doing this, normal is preparing to safely exit the vehicle. Okay. Go ahead and roll animal handling one more time. Lincoln unlocks the lady bird locks and gets ready indeed if he needs to. Nine. Okay. So with the nine, you crash into the front door of the Sonic. It's the glass doors of the metal frames.

You manage to smash through, but the doors hold. They don't fall over. And so the pussy wagon just sort of and the glass shatters everywhere and stuff. You're not inside the Sonic right now. You've just like... You can run through the open glass doors.

It's going to take you a second. All right, guys, we're here. Emergency, emergency! And I start running into the Sonic as the manager of the Sonic comes out of his office having heard the cacophony behind you the grumble of the doodler monster going through the street

gets louder and louder and it basically caught up to you now the bouncer goes whoa whoa what the fuck I'm calling the cops and he begins to like move for his phone or something as you begin to stream into any of you seen like a high school girl like she's got like kind of a cool outfit and she likes poetry she's hard on the outside but she's actually really nice where where where is this way oh okay i just watched him following my normal normal for the past 10 minutes you can completely ignoring him and the manager is calling the cops i want to try and bluff him

back cool it man i am the cops uh okay roll deception with disadvantage three kids in a pussy wagon these are definitely the cops eight plus two ten he goes i literally remember the last time you were here you tried to convince me you were a teen, and now you're trying to convince me you're a cop? Your life's getting harder and worse. And now, as he's working through that, I'm going to take this opportunity to wind up and kick this adult in the nards. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack.

17. Wow. Okay, so you successfully kick him in the nards. He drops to his knees, tears running down his face, and he is going to be for now incapacitated so you all follow normal as normal follows the vibe of scary scrunchie we can tell her take the phone not to i mean you probably won't have him call but you know take the phone from him yeah i'm gonna whip it out and then just like break it over my knee and take that nerd

okay cool that's what you get for not letting me in last time. So an entire family, several tables worth of adults and at least one Sonic mascot still bouncing chili dogs on his dong, turn and see you do this, as do multitude of security cameras. But yes, you have done that. You've now shattered this poor man's cell phone. Link, Link, before we go-

He drove a car into his restaurant and he kicked him in the balls. They called him a nerd. Everybody at the Sonic puts their hands up as if they are about to get robbed, including Sonic. Link, before we go, we need to take out the security camera footage. But like, let's just keep that in mind. I'm following normal. Okay, so you follow normal.

The doodler creature, you could hear it beneath you, but you're neck and neck with it. So you run and you follow it towards what you can see is a large, it's like an octagonal cage with like chain link fence and stuff. And within the cage, you see a bunch of like broken arcade cabinets. There's a gate at the front of this octagonal cage that's got a lock on it. Like a UFC thing? Oh, I guess. Because there's a bunch of like broken arcade machines inside this octagon.

You can tell like, oh, this is just where they put the shit that doesn't work. This is kind of like an old storage room. Is the gate all the way up to the ceiling? No, it is not. And we see Scary in there? No, there are so many arcade machines, you can't get clear line of sight all the way through the octagon,

but normal can definitely tell that Scary is in there somewhere. I go for an Uncharted-style boosty to boost Link up over. Link, how are you, buddy? Sure, we do it, but we do it much closer to Army of Two. God damn it with the Army of Two references,

you piece of shit i'm already like six three so i'm already like halfway there on this fence so like yeah i just like i probably could have climbed over yourself i just really wanted to help after not getting to help in the car acrobatics yeah acrobatics or athletics or athletics doesn't matter either one 16 plus three 16 plus three great okay push you I go, it's just me and you, buddy. Yeah. Like, just like old times. No, you're not.

Okay. So as you crest over the top of the fence, you get a glimpse as the doodler creature unburrows next to a glowing blue egg pod thing that seems to have scary within it. It's got, like, a translucent front. She's got, like, a matrix-y,, like umbilical cord thing going into her mouth. Like the X-Files movie where he finds... Scully? Yeah, kind of like that.

So you leap over, and then as you're coming down, you see the doodler creature transform itself into an identical pod with an identical scary inside of it. And then you hit the ground, and your line of sight to scary is broken, but you can tell that the other creature

has doodled itself into being an identical-looking odd thing. But I can't tell if it was to the left or right of it. Why don't you roll? I got a nine. So you saw, but you can't remember. Oh, no. You hit the ground.

There's a lot of things going on in your teenage brain, and you can't exactly remember which one was which. From this side, I'll just say you can open the door pretty easily for everybody. Oh, hey, it was unlocked, and I just opened the door for it was it was like a deadbolt lock so you all can basically head into the octagon and there is a open area in the middle where there's sort of a circle of arcade machines with one gap open and in the center of that there's a hole in the ground and then two identical scary pods so one of these is the monster one of them scary? I, it's that one. And I point with full confidence because once you are within a thousand feet,

the spell known as locate object can locate a specific object known to you, which is scary scrunchie. Okay. So we're going to say they're scary. A and scary B. You point at scary a, who has the scrunchie and you know that that is the person who has the scrunchie. Scary B is the other one in the other pod and it does not has the scrunchie and you know that that is the person who has the scrunchie

scary b is the other one in the other pod and it does not have the scrunchie both of the pods pop open and coughing and hacking and reacting the way that scary would i guess which is up to beth they emerge from these pods on all fours and then both slowly kind of try to get to their feet scary holy moly are you all right? Yeah. What did I miss? You got a lot. Don't you remember? There's another one of you. Look over there.

Yeah. What did I miss? Well, you got abducted by an alien and that's the alien. So we got to get you out of here. Which one's the alien? I don't know what we do. Which one's the alien? Do a little one.

I'm the real one. You're the real one. Whatever you do, don't take off that scrunchie. That's the only way we can tell you two apart right now. No, I'm the real one. Says the one without the alien? Do a little one. I'm the real one. You're the real one. Whatever you do, don't take off that scrunchie. That's the only way we can tell you two apart right now. No, I'm the real one. Says the one without the scrunchie. Scary B. I'm trying to tip over an arcade machine to crush Scary B.

Wait, no. Okay, roll strength check. Or athletics. I'm going to fight him. What? Wait. Calm down, Taylor. Roll opposed athletics.

Nine plus one, ten. Eighteen plus three, you fucking maniac. Yeah, you successfully stopped him from- Sorry, I'm just hyped up after driving a truck to the front door of a Sonic I saw a transform right in front of me I should know, but for some reason I forget So, we just gotta- Did you see my message? No, I'm not gonna read it. I'm telling you, this is

the real scary. I've been sensing and locating the scrunchie for the last 10 minutes in the back of the car because you're having so much fun with each other in the front seat and nobody listens to me. Well, okay. Yeah, losers like anybody would try to steal this look. Normal steps in front of scary A. And I was like, this is the real scary, guys. That's what I've been saying.

That's what I'm saying, too. I don't know who this other person is. It's the doodler eyes thing. It's a, yeah. I'm not the doodler. I'm just like a cool goth. What? You were just underground, though. Well, like, you mean underground, like, haven't been discovered yet? No, you were like moving like a trailer.

Or underground, like, cool or like hitting? Oh, man. Okay, but I mean, Norm says we know the ones A. I mean, I guess, do we have to do anything to this one? We can just leave it here, right? Or no? I mean, we're supposed to, like, stop this stuff from happening. I think that's in the job description.

Where is Terry Jr.? He can fix all of this, probably. That's definitely... Wait, you're scary. Terry said something nice about Terry Jr.? Yeah, you can't be the real scary. Yeah, actually, she would never say anything nice about fucking Terry. Yeah, okay, normal's right.

It's Terry, it's scary-ay. This championship edition Pac-Man machine ain't gonna move itself. It pains me to ask where, but I do think that he would help things a little bit. So you hear the, and then a very tired, even though he's in corporeal form of Terry Jr. enters the back room and goes like, I'm here, I'm here.

And both Scaries go. Hey baby girl, how you doing? Daddy's home. I mean, stepdad's home. Terry's home. Have you figured out which one's the real one? We have. I mean, stepdad's home. Terry's home. Have you figured out which one's the real one? We have. I'm pretty sure it's this one with the scrunchie,

because that was, like, cast a spell to find the scrunchie, and there's another one with the scrunchie on, right? Yes, you saw me. I was the real... That doesn't mean jack shit. The doodler could have, like, stolen the scrunchie. We were following it, like, when it wasn't underground, so, like, that would imply that normal scary was, like, going underground,

which, like, she can't do. He's doubling over, still tired. He's like, no, no, no, no. she's right uh it could have been after i got here you said you're using a spell to locate the scrunchie yeah that's the thing i said there's a chance it sensed it and then switched scrunchies with the real terry all right well then i guess i'll have to cast zone of truth okay yeah bitch i cast zone of truth which creates a magical zone that guards against the deception in a 15 footfoot radius centered on a point within range. Till the spell ends, a creature that enters that spell's area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there must make a charisma saving throw.

On a failed save, a creature can't speak a deliberate lie while in the late radius. Make the first one for scrunchy scary and the second one for non-scrunchy scary. Okay. That's a 15 for scrunchy scary. So scrunchy scary passes. Non-scrunchie scary got a 16 okay so you both passed you both passed i got a 5 so i have to i got 14 you got a 14 and link got a 5 yeah link do you like taylor more than me what no answer the question no i just had a lot of fun

with him recently but we haven't hung out as much i'm sure if we hung out more we could like thank god okay maybe a little bit guys but this is because just right now i don't know i'm like a dog i think i just like you first i know i just like whoever i hung out with first more but i don't know no he's cooler than you oh shit look it's just all right i want to turn don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer do you also have to say for it normal i don't know it doesn't say it's a zone of truth, isn't it? It's a zone. You're in the zone. I got a six. You also have to tell the truth. I like scary the most because

you guys are not as cool as she is. She seems like she's really independent and I admire that about her. That's cool. I like none of you. Actually, it's going to deeply depend on whether or not you make the right choice here. I'm going to have a Terry role as well. Terry Jr. failed. So is the idea that when the doodler kidnapped Scary,

there's a chance that they might have taken her scrunchie? No, it's in the moment that they... In the moment, like literally as the thing came out, as Link was heaving over the fence, that second where the creature was out of his sight, it could have grabbed the scrunchie and swapped it. I think visually it almost... Yeah, it could have, but did it?

No! Wait a second. If it grabbed the scrunchie, then there's two scrunchies. Both Scaries, turn out your pockets. Okay. And the Scary with the scrunchie turns out her pockets and it's empty because she has the scrunchie already. Scary B, if you will, turns out her pockets and a scrunchie comes out.

So she's got two scrunchies. So yeah, I guess you could say the one with the scrunchie is the real one. Yeah, that's what I am saying because I think you're not the real one. I think you probably took the scrunchie, and then you put it in your pocket, and there it is. Ask me anything about anything, and I'll tell you. Oh, no, what did you do last night? Well, we don't know what she did last night. No, we hung out.

And I whispered, like, last night she hung out with us at Taylor's room. Last night, I hung out with you guys at Taylor's. Yeah, wait, no, that's what I did last night. I know exactly what to ask. What happened in my room? The moment you sat on the bed. Less than you wish, champ. Take a D6 of psychic damage, Taylor.

Wait, what does that mean though? Less than what? I don't know. She's trying to be edgy for no reason. Well, I am edgy. Terry Jr. says, look, this thing, whatever it is, it's got her memories. So you're not going to be able to figure out which one's the real one and which one's the fake one by asking it things that the real scary knows. That's why she was able to act so normal in my class.

Can we get like an x-ray machine? Yeah. From like health mates? You know that Uber for health that you have in the future? Yeah, you can get on-demand MRIs, CT scans, blood work. If you get above a 17 on a raw D20 roll, I will say. They can tell so much just from a drop of blood these days. They don't even need a full bottle of blood.

Only you need one drop of blood to tell who the real scary is. A raw 17, I got 15. Never say goodbye too soon. I want to say for the record that when Beth does her impression of Elizabeth Holmes, she does the godfather hand gesture the whole time. That's because in the TED Talk, she's holding out the vial.

Oh, but it just looks like a man in a helmet. You do treat me with such disrespect when I take a drop of your blood. Invest. Okay, so what did you roll? I got a 15 trying to call the help base. Ooh, you were really close uh yeah theranos didn't come back but she was so it's a surge pricing we can't afford these scans

not without insurance terry says like emotionally it might not always react the same way because it's trying to emulate what it knows from memories rather than actually having the same emotional state as terry so so let me ask something real quick uh do you love me no no okay i have no that didn't help at all i must hurt either way i know i yeah i swung too hard i swung too hard i always do that that's my way okay but you do so which one of you does does what love your stepdad love your stepdad you believe that terry is lying and trying to persuade you that the real scary is lying because the real scary does love okay then why don't you think through the real scary then why don't you roll persuade

to get the honest answer out of scary and then you can roll opposed as scary with a charisma saving throw i got a 17 i got a 12 did you add your saving throw like modifier no and i feel like you get advantage because this is your whole deal is not talking about your feelings oh i plus one so 13 oh wow but then i got a natural 20 all right how do either scary react in that situation then um what was the question which one of you does actually love Mr. Sampler here you must love your

dad so like you know tell the truth I just don't I and then scary a is like I definitely don't like him that's okay you don't have to like everything and Terry's like that's that's fine. You don't have to like everything. Terry's like, that's fine. That makes two of us, kid.

Scary B is like, I don't like him. I don't love him either. Why is everybody trying to make me love people? That's not like, ooh, ooh. Terry. Yes? Scratch it. I'm trying to give you a code here. Okay. What does that mean? What does scratch, like, is this, and I remember

I know what this means. Oh, what does that mean, Scary? eh? It's, what do you do when your arm itches? You scratch it? I guess. Is that a joke? Well, unless that's like. They wrote that, it was on a note on his desk, right? It was on Terry Jr.'s desk at Daddy's. It was, yeah, yeah. That can't be the answer to it. It was like a riddle or something, right? Yeah, it's a riddle about the doodler, and we'll get into that in a second, but yeah, you remember that. I mean, if I was to follow my answer to that, then I would just kill one of you right now. You would kill me? I would kill one of you if we were following that.

Well, which one would you? I mean, just hypothetically. I don't want to kill either of them. One of them is my stepdaughter. I love them so much, even though she doesn't care about me at all. And when I look at her, I see myself when I was a kid because I didn't love my stepdad. And by the time I realized I did, it was actually pretty early.

We had a really long, nice life together. But I just get scared that the same thing's going to fucking happen. And you think I'm scared too? Because I'm not. I'm I did. It was, I was actually pretty early. We had a really long, nice life together, but I just get scared that the same thing's going to fucking happen. And you think I'm scared too? Because I'm not. I'm not scared. I'm not, I'm not scared.

Okay, that's fine. You're not scared. That's fine. That's fine. Sure. Okay. What would make you happiest? That's actually all I care about.

What would be the thing that made you happiest? Would it be me not being around? Because I could do that if it meant leaving you and your mom and you would be happier. Scary B says,

um, actually that sounds like pretty metal.. Scary B says, um, actually, that sounds like pretty metal. And Scary A says, well, I just want things to be the way that they were before. Like, when it was just me and mom, you know? Like, us, like, against the world being total metal and fighting and stuff like that. And nobody gave a shit about, nobody gave a shit about other people. It was just us. So Terry sort of looks down and like nods solemnly

and he goes, well, I mean, more than likely you're going to get your wish anyway. Even if I do make it out of here, which I probably won't. So you mean you're leaving? Because that would be boss. That's Scary B. We're killing B, right?

We're killing B, right? Yeah, we're killing, so I think we've, I don't know. Scary's got a pretty hard shell i wouldn't be surprised how hardcore mean do we think scary really is that's the question here this is my only thing though is like if you were a doula that was trying to pretend to be scary like it'd be pretty ballsy to be that mean because like that's pretty obvious then that's like i don't know that's like that oh shit you're right i'm getting second guessing are we trying to kill what are we we going to do with them, though? You want to kill one of us?

Go ahead. I don't care. I just we don't really have the ability to. Yeah, my thought was just to tip this Pac-Man arcade machine onto one of you. But, you know, it's kind of heavy. Why don't you just like tip it on yourselves if you're so unsure? If you can't tell that it's really me, then why don't you just tip it on yourselves, huh? And Scary Bee seems pretty hardcore.

I mean, like she's willing to kill us. So, I mean, that might be her maybe i'm hardcore and you think that that's the real scary but i wasn't always like that that's true so you got to know that like deep down i'm a person inside even though sometimes i act like i'm like hard and that I've got real feelings. And I, I, I, I, I used to be like a soccer forward and I like pink sometimes. And I'm just a kid. And I'm definitely leaning towards B as the real one. I cast guiding bolt at scary B. What?

Scary B. Okay. So what does guiding bolt do? A flash of light streaks towards a character within range, made you a range spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 46 radiant damage, and the next roll made against this target before the end of your next turn has advantage, thanks to

the mystical dim light glittering on the target until then. Okay, so make a ranged attack roll. Can I try to stop him? No, you just did it. I feel like we've established that you pay no attention to normal most of the time, so I think he just did it. I think you see a bolt come by, and then you turn and go, oh, normal's there. So I did 19 damage. I think he just did it. I think you see a bolt come by and then you turn and go, oh, normal's there.

So did 19 damage. Whoa! No, no, wait, wait, wait. Would you roll to hit? Oh, I see, okay. Ah, I got a nine. Scary Bee's hair blows back as the guiding bolt

like singes part of her cheek with a radiant, sunshiny energy, the antithesis of Scary Marlow. It singes her cheek, but otherwise does not hurt non-scrunchy Scary Bee. How does Scary Bee react? Yeah, How does Scary B react to that?

We're not on good terms. It's you! It's you! We're not on good terms? You think Scary would say that? She'd be saying the most meanest thing ever. Come on! She didn't have the scrunchie.

Scary is like, just because I can't think of something mean to say doesn't mean I'm not actually thinking it. Are you defending the other scary? I don't understand what's going on. I'm okay with deciding which one we think it is, but it's a pretty wild situation to possibly kill the wrong scary. I'm definitely more friends with Taylor now. Are you kidding me?

Everybody wait here. I got an idea. And then I run out to the kitchen and I come back with a knife. And I say like a magic spell over the knife. Also just the kitchen, the Sonics, they see a young teen walk in while they're making chicken fingers. Yeah, they just grab a knife and walk out.

So I say a bunch of words like kind of spelly, Experatus Dimitus Bladium Exscorpio. And I like shake the knife a lot. I've just charmed this knife so that it can stab through Terry. I just turned level three. There's a level three spell called planar weapon. And you can enchant a weapon to attack someone

that's on the same plane as you, but they're in another plane. It's called an astral blade. Terry, this is the only way. And I go to stab Terry. No! And I would like to roll deception on both scaries. I'm going to try to do a king Midas here. Can I roll deception to help? Like, I'm actually

terrified. Yes. Can I roll to see if one of them knows what is actually going on? Yes, you'll be rolling insight as both scaries to see if he's telling the truth or not. Are you going to help out on this deception or are you just like, you cool? Well, it sounds like you guys have this well in hand. I got a 16. I got 13.

Okay. What did the scaries get? Scary A got a 12 and scary B got a one. Wow. Okay. So both scaries fully believe. Oh, shit. I just, I failed my zone of truth roll.

Does that mean I can't do this? It means that as you're going to do it, you have to go, this is a bluff. Oh, no. Fuck. Wait, you failed your zone of truth roll. Does that mean I can't do this? It means that as you're going to do it, you have to go, this is a bluff! Oh no, fuck! Wait, you failed your zone of truth roll too! I forgot, so as I'm about to stab, right as I get over my I say, don't worry, this won't work! This is a trick! Both scary say, wait!

Scary A says, I don't I mean, don't do it. Scary B says, don't do it scary B says can I do it help help me tip this Pac-Man machine

alright I don't think she wants to kill her dad like I gotta believe that about my friend let's just punch her just punch her don't kill her though just punch her

here I punch B. All right, roll your attack. It's an 18. Wow. Real haymaker. That blows through Scary's AC, so go ahead and deal damage. Just two. Okay, just like in Fight Club, you hit Scary B in the ear.

Damn. I went for, like, the stomach. Oh, you went for the stomach. That's way less sad. I've had menstrual cramps worse than that. Oh, no. less sad. I've had menstrual cramps worse than this. Oh no!

So in this moment, the two of you who ate Doodler's It, that was normal and Link, correct? Uh-oh. So a second or two after the menstrual cramp comment, both of you double over in agonizing pain. You feel there is something inside

of your stomach. Is this what that is? Is this a menstrual cramp? That's what it feels like. You feel several somethings in your stomach and then you feel like, oh no, you're about to vomit. You feel it's coming up. So maybe there was some truth to what Link was saying. Something's coming up. But then as you feel it come up, it doesn't feel like vomit. It feels like little tapping on the inside of your esophagus that's getting higher and higher. Just tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping, tapping. And then you retch. And as you retch, your mouth opens. And normal, a very small version of normal

is in your mouth holding your jaw open. And Link, a very small version of Link is holding your jaw open. And both of them swing out of your jaws and start climbing onto your faces and trying to like gouge at your eyes and shit like that. I grab it. Go ahead and roll.

I feel like this is potentially... Some army of darkness shit. I grab it. Go ahead and roll. I feel like this is potentially some army of darkness. I love this. Yeah, it's very arbitrary. Try to grab it with, let's say, as this is happening. I want to very carefully keep an eye on both scaries to see how they react. Okay. I'd like to imagine Taylor's got like the Pac-Man machine almost tipped over, but it's like you're pointing at like a gun between two people.

Which one do I crush? i rolled a two okay so it just reaches one of its tiny fingers into your eye and just right through the juice of your eyeball like it just feels like you got like a thing stuck in your eye it's not permanent damage or whatever but it fucking hurts you it feels like when you scratch your cornea when you're trying to put a contact exactly yeah you scratch your cornea but it's a little link what does little link say as he scratches your cornea when you're trying to put a contact exactly yeah you scratch your cornea but it's a little link what does little link say as he scratches your cornea uh sorry okay taylor what did you roll for insight to look at the two scaries the two scaries you're not gonna believe this 11 plus the 2 13 so with a 13 you are certain that you were seeing a true response from one of them but not from the other both of them are not lying to you nor are both telling the truth about the way they're reacting to this moment scary b is like norm give me the

knife and then scary a is like oh my oh my, oh my God, I need to, and like goes to get the little guy off Link. I'm going to eat my little guy. Okay. I'm just going to try to crush him in my molars. Hell yeah. Great. What would we roll for that, do we think?

Strength. Masticulation. Strength makes sense. Is he still in my mouth or is he also on my eyeball? Do I just like pick him off? He kind of tried to swing out of your mouth and like start scrambling up your thing. But like basically his foot is still inside. So if you want to chomp down.

This is a dexterity. You're trying to do it. No, no, no, no. This is easy one. You're eating a metaphorical representation of another person. That's a religion. Give me a give me a dexterity roll. See if you can chomp down before his foot clears your palate.

I got a 17. Wow. OK, so, yeah, you successfully crouched down before his foot clears your palate i got a 17 wow okay so yeah you successfully crouched down on the ankle of tiny normal what is tiny normal response he's like sorry mine's not as funny as mad as i can't top sorry what does he taste like normal is disgusted by how he tastes yeah more this is gross can need to bathe more. This is gross. Can I roll perception on Scary A's response to being concerned? Because I figure

she's running at me. We'll just keep Scary's roll, so you roll. And if you get higher than whatever Scary rolled, I'll tell you if you're No idea.

It could be a true thing. I think B is the real one. No, I know. That's my concern. I think A is probably the real one, but I'm definitely not against Beth being like,

I'm going to trick them. I just don't want to kill one of them to find out which one's the real one. I give Scary B the knife. Scary B stabs Scary A. Well, that doesn't prove anything. To be fair, what exactly the move we expected. Go ahead and roll an attack. I rolled a nine. Guys, Link, normal, if this happens to me,

you step aside and you let me fight myself to the death. What does Scary A do that causes Scary B to miss with a knife lunge? I think she just does a cool, like, step back, like, soccer move. Oh, that's fun, playing on her soccer. So yeah, the blades have been drawn. Scary B has just tried to kill Scary A.

I never would have stabbed him. I was always going to stab her. You were always going to, okay. That's really stressing me out. Well, this is what you wanted. Normal, should we just wait for the next stab to see if he goes down? Hey, if you guys want to wait for the next stab, I'm down. Well, that's you.

You have the knife. I run into the kitchen. Oh, I stab in between the two of them. Okay. I'm like, you're going to have to stab me to stab her i give link the knife what um all right let's just all calm down hold the knife wait you're giving me the knife why no here if you're the right decision what make the right decision uh i turn around link see she's not even doing anything she's not even admitting that all this feels awful having your friends judge you, she's not even doing anything. She's not even admitting that all this feels awful,

having your friends judge you, and she's not even saying how much it hurts. Okay, look, all right, all right. Scary B had the scrunchie in her pocket. The monsters came out of our stomachs when we attacked Scary B as if they were trying to protect their monster queen. So it's gotta be Scary B.

I don't think we're gonna get to real certainty here unless we just fucking go for it, right? Yeah, I was gonna stab. I was gonna stab one of them. Do it, Link to be Scary B. I don't think we're going to get to real certainty here unless we just fucking go for it, right? Yeah, I was going to stab. I was going to stab one of them. Do it, Link. Just do it. Terry Jr. is turned away and is like covering his eyes like, I can't watch this. I'm going to stab Scary B very gently.

All right. Is Scary Bee going to try to dodge this or is Scary Bee going to just like, okay, both me and Little Lake are both saying sorry as I'm plunging the knife in. I think she would try to dodge it. Roll your acrobatics and Matt, you roll opposed attack roll.

I got an eight. I got a 10. All right. What's the least sad part you're going to stab her in? I stab her like in the side. Where all the least sad part you're going to stab her in? I stab her, like, in the side. Ow. Where all the vital organs are.

No, like this. Like, not like fucking. In her hip. In her hip. Oh, my appendix. Yeah, there we go. The hip. Okay, so you stabbed you in the hip, and it's like, it sticks in the hip bone, and it's

just, like, sticking out of the side of Scary B now. Now it's very easy to tell them apart. Whoa, metal. So there's a bone there. Yeah, there's a bone here. Is there a bone in the other one? I pull it out, and put it next to Scary A. Scary A rolls a four, so yeah.

So Scary A also gets hit? Yeah. I got a nine, so yeah. Ow, what the fuck? Is there a bone on that one? What do you prove by doing this? Roll perception. If it's all one, there should be all tentacles. You monsters have bones.

That's an 18. Wow, an 18. Okay. You can definitely feel that the bone here feels a little bit different than the bone from the first one. You can tell. Wait, wait, wait.

I hoist my hip up. I'm like, stab me to do a comparison. I go, normal's a great idea. I go swing to normal. I go, I would never do that to you, but I stab myself in the hip. Why won't you let me be useful? The feeling you get

from stabbing yourself in the hip. Actually, roll constitution to see if you can focus on the feeling of it through the pain. Oh. No, roll constitution to see if you can focus on the feeling of it through the pain. Oh. No, I got minus one, so that's a 15. Okay, so 15, you can just barely, through the pain, feel the sensation of the knife going into your hip, it hitting bone.

It felt just like the bone of Scary B. See? And I want fish tipping over the Pac-Man machine on the scary A. I haven't played soccer in a while. My bones aren't as like fucking cool

as they used to be. Guys, I think this bone feels like the bone in that one. Go ahead and roll strength see if you can tip the thing over. This is the idea

that worked. Well, he said the bones feel the same. What are we supposed to do? Unless Anthony wants to trick us. 13 plus 1, 14. Does anybody want to

try to help Taylor push this thing over? Because otherwise a 13's not going to do it. 13 plus one, 14. Does anybody want to try to help Taylor push this thing over? Because otherwise, a 13's not going to do it. I helped Taylor push the Pac-Man over on Scary A. Go ahead and roll strength

or athletics. I got a seven. Moral support. Can I roll as Scary B to help? We all help. Okay, honestly, you were also doing

all this while a small version of you was clawing at your eye late. Hey, little Link, chill down for a second and help out. It says no. How does it say no? He says no.

Okay, great. So no, but he used to claw at you. What did you get? I rolled a 17. Okay, so with a 17, Scary B successfully moves over as normal is also sort of exerting his full strength, which is not enough to tip this arcade cabinet over.

And the second Scary holds on it, you get just enough strength that you need to tip it over onto Scary A. And Scary A is crushed by it, knocked to the ground, but her top half is still looking at it, sort of an inverse Wizard of Oz sort of situation. Her whole body, but not her feet. Yeah, you only crush her feet.

And she goes, no, the source of my power so you crush scary a halfway under this thing while tiny normal's dangling from normal's mouth and a tiny link is still clawing at his eye and the scary that's crushed underneath furiously like a high school girl because of the real scary. No, no. It goes... And it begins to just turn back into its gelatinous tentacled form, and it begins to melt in front of you. As it dies, it extends a single tentacle toward Scary B, the real scary, and goes, you can never trust them. They never loved you just like no one will ever love you

because you don't deserve it. I know what's in your head and you deserve all the pain. I cut the tentacle with a knife. You cut the tentacle off and with that some more juice spurts out of it and it falls dead. Wow, that was easy, guys. You did a great job. Wow, that didn't take any time at all. I just felt scary. I'm so sorry about your hip here. I do lay on hands. Sure, you get a little bit of healing. Hey, and I'm sorry too about trying to kill you. I just want to say that was my bad.

Are you mad at me? I guess I didn't make it easy, but I couldn't be weak like that other scary was. Like, you know, saying all that soft stuff. No, no. How are you scary? How are you doing? That was crazy for us, but I can only imagine what it'd be like on that side. No, no. It's good to see you guys. How are you doing?

That was crazy for us, but I can only imagine what it'd be like on that side. I'm fine. In fact, I'm like really metal now. Taylor wants to strut up and goes, I knew it was you the whole time. I hold out for a predator high five. Welcome back to the team.

I do the predator high five. Hell yeah. Terry Jr. goes, Oh, I'm so glad. Oh, I had no idea which one it was. I was really hoping it was a because she said all those sweet things but i should have known it was it was you but i wasn't gonna stab you yeah i wanted to stab her i that's why i asked if i could do it no you're you're right yeah you i mean you and you did you did stab her so okay that's that's cool so i can feel myself sort of losing connection, so to speak. Can you hear me now?

Connection? Where was there ever a connection? Hey, Scar, you want to maybe give him a fucking break for one second? Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm just a little jumpy right now, but like, come on. You don't have to apologize for her. She's right. Like you said, when you were both being honest, that the thing you want the most is for me

to not be around. So that's fine. I get it. I didn't mean that like really but i meant it but i mean yeah yeah it's like i don't have a lot of time here's what you need to know now that you and i have whatever this is this is something right this is a moment right don't answer that i don't want you to say no but like i think it is so i'm pretty sure that the door at the bottom of daddy's hq i think you can go through that and i think you can come to this world and rescue us whenever you want to think at the same time. And this is your choice. You don't have to

do this. You can just come and you can come get us. And then we can try to fix things on our own. And you can go back to being a kid and you and I never have to talk again. And you can just live the rest of your life happy. And that'll be fine. In addition to wanting to save us in this other world, you've heard about something called Code Purple. Yeah. You have all the items that you need to enact Code Purple. I can see that, Taylor, you've got an empty memory syringe, probably from your dad. You've got that amplifier. You've got the ring of swapping, and you've got the dial with the realms attached to it that's everything yeah the amp thing that's everything you need for code purple if you want to know what code purple is i can give you basically a map i can give you a map and a journal if you study those

i know you'll find out what it is on your own if i tell if i just tell you your brain might react poorly you have a one in four chance of dying Why do parents never just tell Oh you gotta just tell us Because you have to learn for yourself If I just tell you You won't learn And you have a one in four chance of dying

Where do we learn from? Who? Oh boy there's older people Who do things already That could teach us these things It's me And I'm giving you this textbook for it It's a journal

No I get it though Cause like when I found out The Santa Claus wasn't real Who's TV are you on man? I was like I wasn't ready for it You know I think it would have been better if i had discovered it isn't real i'm sorry yes but that's all i wanted to say if you want to enact code purple it can save the world but at a cost you could just leave it to us adults to figure out but i honestly think we

fucked things up so bad last time that i don't know maybe it should be a responsibility our generation tried to fix things and we couldn't, and maybe this is, you know. What's the cost? Or is that something else we have to go learn? The cost is a lot of pain for a lot of people. But it might be the only way to survive the doodler. But do you want these things? I guess.

All right. Since you couldn't, we'll step up. Okay. No! That hurts, but okay. Under my desk, taped to the bottom of my desk at Daddy's HQ, you'll find what you need. The journal and the map.

This might be it. I hope I see you soon. Also, I hope maybe I don't. Maybe you don't need to come to see me. I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy. Tell your mother that I love her very much and I will stay out of your life for good.

Hey guys, real quick. And then I grab Taylor and Lincoln. I was like, let's give these two some privacy. Maybe they'll like, I don't know, like maybe she doesn't want to see nice stuff with like me. Let her look tough in front of us. Like, let's just go. We got to go check out.

We got to go apologize to everyone for ruining the restaurant. We'll be right back. Yeah, that. And then we run away. Okay. Yeah, so go away. Okay.

And he fades away. Or, or fuck. Fuck. No one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, pick ourselves up and say not today. No, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. We'll see you next time. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Some of the fine patrons who support our show are You can directly support this show and get ad-free episodes at Starting at just $5 a month, there are hours and hours of bonus content. Faye Van Brugel. You can directly support this show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads starting at

just $5 a month. There are hours and hours of bonus content. There's bonus shows. There's bonus one-shots. There's live shows. There's edutainment rap albums. You can find it all. Check it out. Patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads That list grows each day. Episode 3 of Sons of Sons of Billy, the finale

of our Regency Romance one-shot is coming out later this week. You don't want to miss that. When that drops, we do live listens. We do all kinds of fun stuff. Check it out. Patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. It's also not too late to get in on the father's day sale.

We had a bunch of new items that we put up onto our merch store. Head on over to store.dungeonsanddads.com to see what we got. We got a new sticker pack. We've got some teeny the teen school merch, a teen high official faculty mug, a urology shirt. These are the kinds of things that you're going to want to put on your body in public. Check it out at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com

Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming at you Tuesday, July 12th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow

Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Scary A, scary B. Please, impromptu,

compose a short poem about how you feel about your dad. Maybe the meanest improv prompt I've ever heard in my entire life. Maybe the single most brutal.