Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 16 - Needlejuice

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

The teens start their first day of gainful employment at Papa John's.This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content, and body horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Honk, honk, what's that sound? It's four crazy teens driving a truck full of flavor into Papa John's new Pussy Wagon Pizza. We took the Papa's classic pit of piping hot cheese and filled it with a big yellow truck full of magical items and the flavors are wiggity-whacked. We're talking puberty stuffed crust with hair in every bite. We're talking Papa's new assassin sauce. So spicy, it'll feel like hitmen from every conceivable time period are murdering your taste buds.

Woo, the Papa popped off with this one. Wash down your pussy wagon pizza with a Mountain Dew. Just straight up Mountain Dew. Nothing special about it. Just a plastic two liter bottle of Mountain Dew that comes to you a little bit too warm. So you got to put ice in it when you pour it into a solo cup. Again, just a regular run of the mill two liter soda. You can buy anywhere for half the price that we charge.

Like at Papa John's, you can pay double for a two liter soda. Objectively, the worst soda you can buy. And when it comes time to refrigerate it, you either got to lie it down sideways because your fridge shelves can't accommodate the height of a two liter bottle, or you got to stuff it into the shelves by the door where it gets shaken up every time you open your fridge so it goes flat even faster. Who needs their pizza ussy eaten? We do. So come on by the Papa's and burn your flesh in our scalding pit of cheese or apply for a part-time job today. Papa John's, better ingredients, better pizza.

Better pizza. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A podcast instead about Dungeons and Dragons, where we play four teens sent back through a portal back to the world that they originally came from to fix things. They didn't originally come from the world. Yeah, we're from our old world. That's true. A tale of four teens sent into another world, our world, to fix things. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger of the group.

I think I said rogue actually last time. The rogue ranger, if you will. Are you multiclassing now? Rogue is an adjective. Rogue is an adjective, not as a class, please. The rouge ranger. The rouge ranger. Aw.

Survivalist of the group this week's taylor fact taylor has a mini bike back at home and i don't know if you know this but these are like little tiny two-stroke like miniature motorcycles he has a mini bike that his mom got him because he really wanted to get a mini bike it's loud it's obnoxious he's modified it so that it rolls coal oh my god do you know what rolling coal is no i know what rolling coal is it sounds awful for that you know those big truck shows so rolling coal is when you modify a diesel engine to burn less efficiently so that you can like spew black clouds oh no pollution out into the out into the air that sucks if you saw the end of uh

some people like to sit like in a line and then they'll roll coal over the crowd and the diesel heads love it they love fucking getting hit with that they're getting exactly what they deserve it spews just shit loads of pollution just clouds and clouds of bad person so no no no no because taylor got done with the mini bike so he lets all his friends in the neighborhood ride it whenever he wants. This is weird to me, Taylor Swift. This is a surprise. And then when the cops showed up to be like, hey, your minibike has been rolling coal all over the place, Taylor Swift was like, but I just let all my friends borrow it. It's not my bike. It's my bike, certainly.

But all my friends borrowed it to spew shit in the environment. Therefore, I am blameless. And the cop looked dead in the eye and said, yep. You're right. And said, say you'll remember me. Look, Taylor Swift may consume thousands of times more carbon than any of us, but she also provides thousands of times more top one hits, enjoyment than any of us.

Party hits. Oh, my God. All right. That sounded like you were going to go next. You're next. You just took it, Beth. Take it and run. Yeah, chill out on the airplane, Taylor Swift. Okay. Wait. Oh, my God. She's going next? I fucking will. Oh, my God. god all right that sounded like you were gonna go next you're so upset beth take it and run yeah

chill on the airplane okay what oh my god she's going next i fucking will oh my god do it don't if you don't hurry up all right go ahead no it's okay it's my turn hey everybody my name is no you go hey everybody my name no you go this is out of whack hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln do you sure you don't want to go back schooled at home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group final sense to talk about until i decide to do the other weird senses which i forgot what they are like pressure or whatever the final sense is sight so lincoln's favorite thing to see uh with his eyeballs it's a tie a tie it's a tie how tied no no not a tie oh it is equally liked these two things that he sees it's his dad's uh hugging you know he's just really he's really happy when he sees his dad yeah and then the other thing he loves just as much

is just like the surface tension of water. Just like, you know that trick? The surface tension. Oh, like when you put a little drop and then it's like a... Or like that trick where you put a spoon under a sink and the water goes around one side of the spoon and not the other. It's just really... Sounds like he's a big reddit.com slash r slash

oddly satisfying. Yeah. Sounds like he's a serial killer. Maybe. We'll find out. Does he like laminar flow videos? He just likes two things that stick together. You know?

Whether it's his dad's or water and other objects. You know about the laminar flow videos? He just likes two things that stick together. You know about laminar water and other objects. You know about the laminar flow videos, right? Yeah, it's very cool. He hasn't seen those yet. He would go nuts. Okay, okay. Yeah. For those who don't know, it's like a flow of liquid that it just looks like it's frozen in midair because yeah, I don't know how to describe it. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Anyways, that's it. Hey, everyone.

Hi. Hey. Oh, it's a call and response right now. I can't hear you. I'm Will Campos. Come on, you can do better than that. Oh, it's a call and response thing now. I can't hear you. I'm Will Campos. Come on, you can do better than that. Oh, God. I play Normal Oak, the mixed up mascot who doesn't know who he is anymore, Paramore, Stranger in a Strange Land.

Stranger Things. Best ass wearer. Stranger Things, The Thing, Hellfire Club. I haven't seen the show. Oh, he's a cleric. Normal talked about normal this week is that since we just got part-time jobs,

I thought I'd talk about normal's first part-time job, which is also where he got the taste for mascotting, which is that he was hired by his mother,

the proprietor of Swallow's Vegan Ice Cream, to play Vinny the vegan vulture, who was the mascot for a very short amount of time, who would waddle around

outside Swallow's Vegan Ice Cream and offer free samples to people. I don't know if I would who was the mascot for a very short amount of time, who would waddle around outside, swallow his vegan ice cream, and offer free samples to people. I don't know if I would take anything from a vulture. A vulture is the funniest mascot for an ice cream place, especially as called, like, Swallow. Especially a vegan. It was short-lived, and it was short-lived because Normal went so fucking

sicko mode crazy in this mascot outfit, just, like, going aggro. It was the height of summer, so because of global warming, it was, like, 110 degrees outside. short-lived because normal went so fucking sicko mode crazy in this mascot outfit just like going aggro it was the height of summer so because of global warming it was like 110 degrees outside in a jet black bird costume and he got heat stroke pretty quickly which is what would happen to a vegan vulture what if he was going around like you gonna eat that get it because he's a vulture that's it that's what he did he'd go up to people and be like, you going to eat that? Because you should eat this vegan ice cream.

That's really funny. And then he passed out and got dehydrated. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the taste. Was the business higher because there was a passed out vulture in the front?

The plan, make sure that a mascot passes out in front of people, thus increase it. It's my Nathan impression, but it's too close to my normal voice. Hi, I'm Beth May

and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact, yeah. Fun fact about Scary this week is that the only part-time job she's ever had was making a lemonade stand when she

was 10 years old and then she didn't sell anything because she was too aggro. She's too aggro? You didn't drink that? Hey, hey, hey, come over here. Drink this. Drink this.

Yeah, no sales. Damn, damn. Well, it'll be good for Papa John's. Did you ever do a lemonade stand? I did. I did. A few times, actually. Right on one side of a super busy street.

And the other side of the street was a baseball field. So then the baseball team would always like ask for lemonade. And I would just constantly running across this incredibly dangerous, busy street. And now that I think about it, I think they bought a lot of lemonade specifically to watch me and my younger brother run across the street. Cause we did it a lot.

It's just that hustle grind set that Matt Arnold's all about. It was like that scene in what was it? Bullworth or what's the one where Eddie Murphy runs across the street? Definitely not Bull Durham. No, he's not in that. It's not Bullworth.

It's the fake movie. Bowfinger. Bowfinger. It's like that, but to sell 25 cents worth of fucking lemonade. Hell yeah, dude. I'm Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad. Hello. My dad fact today is I think I may have mentioned this before. I can't remember if I did or not, but Jenna Stieber who played Radicus Finch, she has a D&D podcast Hello. My dad fact today is, I think I may have mentioned this before. I can't remember if I did or not,

but Jenna Stieber, who played Radicus Finch, she has a D&D podcast with some of her pals, not us, called Burnt Cookbook Party. I guess this is a wreck me, daddy. I would recommend it, at least partially because Jen just got laid off from her job. Boo! Weirdly close to her and her friends unionizing.

Who would have thought? That's so mean. But yeah, Burnt Cookbookparty, you can also subscribe to it on Patreon. It's good. Fuck Polygon. You're never going to write about us. Yeah, fuck you, Polygon. It's probably true. You come after one of ours? Suck it down,

Polygon. Your shit sucks. Your shit's a shit website, Polygon.com. Let's take a look at what you got. What if Avatar The Last Airbender was a spy thrower? How about what if you suck my dick? Spider-Man Remastered Outside Polygon.com, let's take a look at what you got. What if Avatar The Last Airbender was a spy thriller? How about what if you suck my dick? Spider-Man Remastered PC Review. I don't give a fuck.

Everything new in Splatoon 3 from today's Nintendo Direct. Oh, shit, Splatoon 3? Hold on, Splatoon 3? That one was written by Jenna. That was her last one. Splatoon 3. When we last left you, you kind of picked a fight, kind of defended normal from Papa John and Papa John's pizza minions.

Saved Hermes' life. The titular Papa. The titular Papa. You saved Hermes' life, even though he did end up getting burned down to two face levels. Half of his body is now burned. And because you could not defeat Papa John, you decided to join Papa John as a part-time employee.

And he took you down underneath his throne into his interior cafeteria. And there was a big line leading up to some cash registers. And the employees who were running those cash registers were Lark and Sparrow. And they asked- Can I throw just a real quick poetry joke for Beth? Because we could not defeat

Papa John's, Papa John's kindly stopped for us. The pizza held, but just ourselves. But just ourselves and 14 different toppings, half of which were Hawaiian. I love that.

Thanks, Beth. Yep. The rest of us know Emily Dickinson too. That was just for Beth, I guess. That's just for me. Sorry. That was just for Beth.

That was just for the hit Apple TV show Dickinson starring Haley Se just for Beth, I guess. That was just for me. Sorry. That was just for Beth. That was just for the hit Apple TV show, Dickinson. Starring Haley Seinfeld? Seinfeld, yep. Sorry, Seinfeld. Yeah, Haley Seinfeld. What's the deal with Death Stopping everyone?

He stops over here. I want to see The Walking Sparrow. Jerry, have you heard of this about Death Stopping? I'm out. He's stopping for people on the street, Jerry. I don't get it.

I'm not a stopper. I just keep going. If that's not for me, I just keep going. Restart the scene. We're in Papa John's. What's happening? You're in Papa John's. You're up at the countertop ready to give your order.

There are a bunch of other pizza soldiers in this cafeteria that are ravenously eating their own pizza. You also see somebody dressed in black in the corner who's also eating. You see a woman covered in rags who's also eating somewhere else in the restaurant. Players, pay attention. Are those just flavor characters?

Or if this was a video game, those NPCs have like a little dot that can speak on them. Little glowing dots under, yeah. I'm frankly amazed that you even asked. That shows a- I'm asking amazed that you even asked that. That shows the empathy. I'm asking. No, I'm just saying that shows a restraint that you would have never had before. Certainly not in season one.

You just think I want to talk to the guy in the corner. And then there was a whole fucking backstory. But yeah, you see those people there. They might be relevant. They might not be. Who knows? Papa John shows you toward the front of the line. He says, get some food.

These two will teach you what you need to do to be a good member of Papa's family. Just hands up. My hands up. What? Yes. Yes. Really quick. I am, if I had to estimate, 25, less than 25% of my health remains.

Can we just take a break? Is there a break? What's the break schedule? The short rest, long rest schedule, if you will. You can take a break between shifts. Are we on a shift right now? You're on. Yes, this is the beginning.

Welcome to your training shift. We're in front of my dad and my uncle, right? Yes. Dad, what? Oh, my God. What are you doing here? The person with the spare on their name tag says, I am giving out delicious, delectable,

and nutritious Papa John's pizzas. What would you like on your pizza? Could I interest you in normal? No, don't eat that. I'm not going to eat that. It looks gross as hell. But, Dad, what's going on? What's not going on at Papa John's?

Okay, do you recognize that me, normal, I'm your son, I'm here, I'm standing in front of you? Uh, and he squints his eyes at you and he goes, I guess we're all kind of like a family at Papa John's Pizzeria in a sense. Okay, Uncle Lark, like, you're smarter than my dad. Like, you recognize that it's me, right? So you look at the guy who has Lark

on his name tag and he goes, no, the same thing the other guy said. I think we're all a family and, uh, I mean, so do you want, do you want mushrooms? Do you want jealousy? Do you want spice? Guys, whatever you do, don't eat the pizza.

Once we eat the pizza, then it's like we're showing loyalty to the company. And that's the last thing you can ever do is show loyalty to the company. Plus, what if it's delicious? Then we'll get hooked and we won't ever be able to leave. Both Lark and Spore point at you and go,

it is delicious. What would you like on your pizza? Sparrow says actually do you want me to go back and show you how the pizza is made? Why don't you come along with me? And he gestures at normal. I slap them both. You slap both of them. Hey that's your son.

That's your nephew. You're the adults here. I slap them again. Pay attention. What are you doing? So Lark reacts not at all. And Sparrow, why don't you roll insider perception? Just thinking about the audacity of a teen going up to two people trying to work a retail job and slapping them.

And you have to lean over the counter. Yeah. Damn. These sandwich artists, if you will. 19. I know that's not how Papa John works. 19? Okay, so with a 19, you can tell that Sparrow winces.

There's a micro flash of anger, and then he goes back to smiling at you. Whoa, did you catch that? He's still in there. My dad hates it when he gets slapped. Oh. So Sparrow goes, it's going to be your first day on the job. Why don't I show you how the pizza's made before you have some pizza of your own? You don't look that hungry.

Wait, I don't understand. This is a job. I thought all jobs involved just standing around and saying things into a microphone and making a lot of money. Like my mom. My mom has a job. No, this is like a... What the...

Taylor, like when people give you... Like you go to the cafeteria, right? Like you go to the cafeteria lunch and these lunch ladies, she gives you food. That's what this is. That's a job. People get paid money to do that. I can't talk to you about your ignorance right now. I'm trying to save my dad.

What? I'm going to make an insight check. I rolled a 16. I'm trying to see if my dad is trying to hip us to like, hey, come back so we can drop our facade and explain what's going on. With a 16, you see that's exactly what he was trying to do. Guys, we gotta go. Okay, yeah. That sounds good. I would

love to see how the pizza gets made. I have to make pizza. Fine. Scary, if it's okay with you, I think normal should be the leader for this part right now. Of course it's okay with me. I never wanted to be the leader.'m the rebeller spoken like a true leader those least likely to lead who want to lead are the best leaders yes we know that the fuck did you just say yes i think that normal should be the leader normal's already gone okay all right let's follow him whatever you say scary so sparrow says l, why don't you stay at the register?

I'll deal with the new recruits. So Sparrow takes you back into the back room with the big dough mixer machine and, you know, a bunch of toppings and all the brick pizza ovens are spewing. You think Papa John's has brick pizza ovens? Yeah. In this world, they get better. Aw. Damn. It's not a dystopian every way.

Yeah. He crouches and he goes first of all i want you to know i'm sorry about all that stuff i said and i'm super proud of you and he hugs you really tight normal i'm gonna do a sense motive on that motherfucker right now go ahead what is that insight again yeah insight okay uh i got a six okay no way to know oh my god thank god i was so scared you weren't proud of me so So that was just all crazy stuff that you made. What was that? I wasn't in my head at the time.

You know how your Uncle Lark is also not in his head right now? He's up there slinging pizzas like a real capitalist stooge. But no, so stuff's bad. They were like the human equivalent of don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. Yeah, kind of. You're all back there, I assume. Yes.

So he goes, so here's the thing. We got to get out of here, obviously. Yeah. And it seems like the best way to get out of here is probably to get promoted up to delivery. Because once we get promoted to delivery, we can take one of the vehicles and get out. Oh, Mr. Oak, if you think the best way to get out of a corporate job is to promote your way upwards the ladder, I'm sorry to tell you, it's going to take a very long time. Why don't we just get out of here? Well, we could, but there's an entire army of pizza minions here that would kill us. No, not minions. Calm down. If you have a plan to get out of here, that's cool. I'm sort of barely

sanity wise hanging on. You're not freaking out yet. You're good. Okay. You're fresh. Yes. You just came in, which means you still have most of your self left, most of your brain and everything. Wait, you're saying that there's a gradual decay like a poison meter in Elden Ring? I don't know what those words you said are, but yes, kind of like that. This is the kitchen. He holds his breath. No, it doesn't work like that. It's your brain. You can't hold your brain's breath. Oh, he's going blue.

He's going blue. He's going blue. Link, stop it. Link, stop it. Scary hits, Link. In the gut. Oh, it didn't work. Oh, no. It's like a more effective CPR. I don't know if you noticed,

but memories and emotions are really important here. They're like a currency and a food. Have you met anybody freaky trying to take your memories or trying to sell you memories? This guy stabbed me in the head and I kind of forgot about being a mascot for a second, but then I remembered. I was really excited that I got my memory back.

Good. Okay, you got to hold on to those memories as hard as you can. What if all of our memories are darkness and decay? Stuff we don't really want to remember. So cool. That's cool. That's good.

I mean, you still have to hold on to them because it still makes you like you and stuff. Well, I get it down. I start writing. Is there anything to write down? I need to write down all my memories of my dad. You mean you haven't been keeping a diary? Oh, no, I haven't. Do you keep a diary?

Yeah. Oh. How old will I know all of my beautiful thoughts, my dark thoughts? That's great. I just talk to my dads all the time, but maybe I should be writing down a book because I'll forget my dads if I stay here too long.

Yes, you'll forget potentially everything. I will unlearn what I have learned. Everyone in this world started off like relatively normal people, and as time went on, the doodler's influence began to decay who they were, and it's only by either being really true and present with yourself or as a shortcut, taking the memories and emotions of other people to sort of

supercharge your own memories and emotions that you can sort of stay you. He points at different jars and vats and tubes all around you in this kitchen. And there's little pieces of tape with pen labels written on them. And he points to one that says jealousy. And he points to one that says sexual awakening. And he points to one that says. I grabbed those two. They're connected to the wall. They're like little, you have to pull a lever and it like.

It's like those like restaurants that only do cereal. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's kind of like those. And he goes, yeah. So every experience or every emotion, these people in this world, they all kind of try to eat it. I mean, I did too to sort of stay a little what's the best one i mean they're all different sort of what you're in the mood for it's like saying what's the best food so hold on hold on japanese food okay okay oh taylor can you just shut the fuck up for one

second there's important stuff going on i'm so sick of your bullshit right now man we almost got freaking kilkis of you now you're asking about sushi and shit i don't give a shit just listen for one second to what's going on this is important i'm trying to learn about yes i'm quickly looking for like calm or peaceful emotions on the wall i'm just so screwed up and dad like i'll be honest i'm kind of mad at you like this is all your fault frankly that word this is all like this uh yeah sure it's my fault yeah i'm i'm i'm stupid and i'm not as smart as my brother and i'm kind of a hippie and i didn't i didn't prepare you properly i mean that's no but i mean like this whole world is like this because of you guys uh yeah i guess you're and you're mad

about that i i i think i am mad about that okay well if it wasn't for what your uncle lark you know did then you would be here too well i mean you are here now but like you would have like grown up here so so that makes it okay i think so am i being judged by you i i feel judged well i feel judging father well there we are well i think we are there okay this is an important first step in your two's conversation uh normal why don't you tell your father what it is that you would like from him? Well, for, hmm, I don't know what I would like. Well, you can keep thinking about it.

Don't worry. It doesn't matter. The main thing is that we need to figure out a way out of here. I just got some orders in for some pizzas so we could just, you know, be good employees and try to get promoted up to delivery because then we can use the cat bus or we could escape. Taylor jumps up. Say that again. The delivery vehicle.

What is the delivery vehicle? There's a big ironclad door in the back of the kitchen and behind it you can hear purring and there's a little metal slide on the front like, you know, like a speakeasy kind of thing. There's a lock on it. He goes, I don't have the key for it, so we can't get back there. But like this is the way that we deliver pizzas. And he opens up the slot. And you can see in what basically looks to be a garage,

there is a very large cat with wheels instead of paws. The Pussy Wagon. Yeah. Pussy Wagon, that's a good name. Yeah, sure. But that's how we drive the pizzas around. Is there any way out of here other than that? Or is that like...

This is disappointing. So the ways out are the garage, if you're a pizza delivery person. That's how we drive the pizzas around. Is there any way out of here other than that? Or is that like... This is disappointing. So the ways out are the garage. If you're a pizza delivery person, there's the throne, the secret entrance that Papa John uses, but that's pretty difficult to get out because usually his throne's covering it. And then there's the tunnels of endless despair,

hatred, and death, which we just call the tunnels for sure. Calm down. Where are those? I mean, they're connected to the main cafeteria room. That's where all the soldiers come in. Eh, good to know. So what do we do, Dan?

Yeah, what exactly does- We make pizzas? Is that what we're doing? We're making pizzas? Well, I need to rest because I'm hurt. Yeah, when's our break? Your break is in eight hours.

If we do eight hours of pizza work- What the fuck? If we do a full shift of pizza work, then they'll give us a break. But he sort of grabs you by the shoulders

and shakes you normally and goes, I just tried to hold on long enough to sort of hope you by the shoulders and shakes you normally. He goes, I just tried to hold on long enough to sort of hope that you would get here so I could explain as much as I could. You're going to have to decide some stuff for yourself. I don't know what we should do. I have no idea. We could stay. We could go. It's kind of up to you. It's time to be a big boy.

If we get you out of here, will you like get your brain back? Maybe. I don't know. We haven't been here for that long. We always felt like kind of weird when we came here before, and then after a week or so being back, we would feel pretty normal once we were back with our families and stuff. And he scratches his arm, and you see his tattoo that says Sparrow on it. And he goes

like, but yeah, I mean, things are hard. I'm having trouble remembering who I am and who you are, and it's all kind of slipping away. And I know that I care about you. No, it's a sparrow. Wait, he has a tattoo of his own name?

That's cool. They gave each other tattoos of each other's names. So they think that they're each other or they are each other. They're pretending to be another person. Wait, what? I don't think that your uncle is your uncle. I think your uncle is your dad

and your dad is your uncle. So this is weird. Wait a second. And then, yeah, so I look. You pointed at his tattoo. Uncle Lark? We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can

engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. I thought that if

I told you that I was proud of you as your dad it would like give you the confidence you needed to like It did for a second there because I stood up to him Yeah No it was good

It was good It's weird that him being proud of me made me able to realize that I'm not that proud of him or you frankly Oh Okay well I gotta sit down for a second guys

You wanna bring your dad in down and starts rubbing his temples i'll give you guys a second he says and he heads out to the front wait normal just sort of flops over on the ground goes ah hey bud how you doing man hey you really stepping on my energy here and i need you to be more peppy okay scary you're the leader what do you think we should do? I'm not the leader. You're the leader now because this is like, you know, it's your dad's. Look, we gotta get my dumb dad and my dumb uncle out of here

and we need to figure out how to unscrew the whole stupid mess they made of this world. So I guess the idea that we should get promoted to delivery guys who can steal that bus sounds like a pretty good one to me. It's either that or a big tunnel of despair or like getting past Papa. Which should sound pretty metal. I mean, I can see why that would appeal to you to me. It's either that or a big tunnel of despair or like getting past Papa. Which did sound pretty metal. I mean, I can see why that

would appeal to you, but. Taylor's at the door with the open thing and going like, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. Uh, real animal handling. Actual animal handling. Oh, to the cat bus? Yeah. Uh, 12. I think you meant like a. No, no, no. I meant what I meant. Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. So with a 12, uh, you see one of the ears

of the cat bus pricks up and points toward the door, and then it goes back to the way it normally was pointing forward. Hey, the cat likes me. Oh, that's good. That's great. I'm happy you're hitting it off with the cat, man. I have to get inside. I'm kind of sorry it blew up at you.

I just, you know, there's a lot going on for me right now. I know it's very stressful for you, but you need to keep your head together. No, but I don't think I should be doing this thing. Now, what is all this? You look up as you're talking, and you see a man with a hannibal mustache an extremely pale skin and a perfectly tied way too tight apron around his waist and he has a badge that says shift manager on it and he goes so we're just uh relaxing here huh guys huh and he's smiling really big at you but it seems like he's only smiling with his mouth and not his

eyes we're taking our smoke break oh and by smoke by smoke break, she means, and I stand up and I say, we were discussing the inefficiencies of your current delivery system. We're new employees here, but you know, I had some, and now I'm going to reveal that during the entire lifetime I lived, that I was a franchisee. I franchised a Domino's pizza. You mean in the simulation? This is like when

Xander's army training from the Halloween episode comes back like two seasons later. Sorry, I know we're new here. We're just really gung-ho. We really enjoy the pizza delivery surveys. I just thought there's a lot more efficient ways that you can be delivering the pizzas. It feels like you have a lot of overhead based off of reheating the pizzas and inefficient root systems yeah all right roll persuasion i got a nine and i got i've never done

this before because i'm a 14 year old boy the shift manager his body perfectly bends in half at his hips like just the top half moves his bottom half doesn't move at all and he's really close to your face and he's still smiling he goes correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just criticize the father's methods? Are you saying that you know how to run a pizza business better than the papa? Do you think you're a papa above John? Is that what you think? Absolutely not. I'm just doing my best. That's good. Yeah. No, because if you did think that, that would be a very, very bad thing. Don't you think?

Like how bad would it be? Would we get fired and then we could leave? So again, without moving his back half, his front half just swivels towards you as you say that normal. And he goes, yes, you might get fired. You might get fired in the brick oven and your memories and your thoughts and your emotions might be used to satiate our great army

and our grand quest against the city. Soylent green is people, my dudes. I'm sorry, sir. Excuse the presumption. We're just really want to become delivery people and we really want to become delivery people. And we really want to do our best to serve the Papa. I'm sorry for any sin against his good name.

Well, if you want to do something good for the Papa, why don't you make a fucking pizza? And he pulls out an order card and he says, there's somebody out there who requested a pizza with the following ingredients. It seems like none of which we currently have in our various vats. Great, we'll go get them. How far away are they?

No, no, you will have to get them here. There's no leaving. All right, chefs, listen up. I need- Yes, chef. So the pizza toppings requested on this pizza are joy, surprise, unrepentant murder, and mushrooms. All right, chefs, I need joy, surprise,

unrepentant murder, and mushrooms. You don't have mushrooms here? We do have mushrooms. I'm sorry, I was wrong about that. One done, and I put a little note on mushrooms. You don't have mushrooms here? We do have mushrooms. I'm sorry. I was wrong about that. One done. And I put a little note on mushrooms. A little check mark

on mushrooms. How do we get these ingredients or how do we do that? We're new. This is our first day. He gestures at a jar of smaller,

cleaner versions of the syringes that you saw those bandits trying to use on you before. And he goes, I don't care how you get them,

but those are your extractors. So go ahead and just use them on. Surprise! And I snap Taylor. What? Taylor with one? I'm getting surprised. Roll.

Oh! Are you going to try to dodge with anything, Taylor? I think I'm surprised. Okay. Roll dexterity to make sure you can get it. Because I feel like your instinct

would be to dodge away. That feels like a safe one. No, that's true. You're right. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Matt, here's the question. Because Taylor is obviously head on a swivel all the time one. No, that's true. You're right. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Matt, here's the question.

Because Taylor is obviously head on a swivel all the time, you know, clocking you. Now, you're screaming into the intercom about what ingredients you want. Oh, that's true. Okay, yeah.

With a 17 dexterity roll, you do that very easily. You barely feel some pressure in the back of your head as the syringe enters your... Back of my head? Damn. Because you were screaming

in the intercom, right? It's a fucking matrix or something. I would have done it in his arms where Taylor would... His arm, the fleshy part of my head? Damn. Because you were screaming in the intercom, right? It's a fucking matrix or something. I would have done it in his arms where Taylor would have... The fleshy part of my thigh, maybe. That's not where your memories are stored. Oh, well, I did it in the arm. I don't know how this works.

Oh, you did it in the arm? Your shift manager goes... That's not where the memories are stored. Are you trying to get his arms memories? I'm sorry. No, you have to use it in here. And he starts pointing at his brain. Well, now this is going to work.

I know it's coming. Surprise! Surprise! Go ahead and make a roll. Back roll. Shit, I got a six. Taylor, what are you, like grab it out of the fucking air

because your reflexes are showing. I'm literally looking over at them and then like my left hand just shows up and just grabs it like over my shoulder without even looking. Is that too cool, Anthony? No, I'm fine with over at them and then like my left hand just shows up and just grabs it like over my shoulder without even looking. Is that too cool, Anthony? No, I'm fine with that. Surprise!

Oh! Beth, that's so loud. By the way, just as a little side note, I'm the only one who monitors the audio, so I have my headphones on. Everyone else is just, you know, freewheeling in the mic. Beth, you made me jump. Who are you stabbing? Who are you stabbing for your surprise? Taylor. It makes sense. We all think are you stabbing for your surprise? Taylor.

It makes sense. We all think Taylor is the one that's okay to stab. I got a nine. My other hand grabs. The third hand comes. I was just. Hey, what are you guys doing? We're trying to get surprised.

Give me that back. I stabbed myself because I'm genuinely surprised that we weren't able to pull one over on Taylor. That's what I was going to do. I juiced that out. Give me a D20 roll, just a straight D20 roll. We'll see if that works. I got a two. While he's pulling, you're stabbing yourself

and seeing that he's okay with getting stabbed. I don't yell surprise. I pretend to do something else, and then I spin around and stab normal in the head. Okay, go ahead and roll. This flurry of stabbing. Lark comes back and sees this. Statistically, eventually, we will surprise.

I got a one. So the one you stab yourself in the head. Oh, I knew that was going to happen, though. Guys, maybe we should just hold off on this one and come back to it. This doesn't bode well for us getting joy for the murder one. I don't know. Seeing you all stab each other gave me some joy. Say no more.

It's scary. I pulled the joy out of her. Scary, roll a d20. We'll see how much joy you had at watching them stab each other. Like genuine joy. Four. You didn't actually get that much joy. You were just being sarcastic.

Was I? Okay. Is this enough? I'll show it to the manager. He goes, no, that's not even enough to dip a breadstick in, my friend. No, no, no. You guys are not going to be very long for this world, I fear. But that's fine.

Youthful ignorance is a flavor that is much sought after here. It's a very rare delight. Oh, great. Why don't we move on to that order? Yeah, did somebody order that? No. Okay. The order is the order that you have in front of you.

Okay, fine. We'll do it. So what was it again? It's murderous rage. It's joy. Joy. Surprise. Surprise.

Unrepentant murder. Unrepentant murder. Unrepentant murder. And mushrooms. Can we just use this on anybody? Like, we just go around here and just grab? I got one. Hey, sir, I think that Papa John, and I eyeball one of my friends to get a syringe ready. I think Papa John is a big old smelly dum-dum dingus fart head who doesn't know his butt

from his ass, and I think that he's not very good at being a pizza king at all he grabs you and he throws you into the brick oven well as he grabs me i taylor after blocking all these syringes realizes what's going on he's a quick one goes for a stab on the manager okay go ahead and roll attack 11 plus 3 14 that's not gonna do it so uh he's too tall he's too tall i'm reaching for him to pull him out of the oven right away 11 plus 3, 14. That's not going to do it. God damn it. So, uh... He's too tall. He's too tall. I'm reaching for him to pull him out of the oven right away.

Okay, then do a contested strength check with this guy. Fucking nine. God. Damn it. I thought Beth would be like, stab him in the head. He got a natural one. Yes! So, normal slips through his fingers instantly,

and you manage to grab a hold of him. But he goes, oh, I see what you're trying to get a fun ingredient. Well, that's too bad because you have blasphemed against the papa, and there is no coming back from that one. Unless we make you forget it by stabbing you and getting the memory out of you. And I stab him again.

How many needles are in this thing? Really quick, is there one door here besides the garage? Yeah, there's one door in another kitchen. Okay, while all the stabbing is going on, I'm going to push some of the appliances in front of the door so that he's locked in with us. I'm not locked in here with you.

You're locked in here with us. He can't leave. His green room is too late. We've gone too far down this hole. Well, I don't know why I came in tonight. Okay, so you'll be doing that. Normal, go ahead and try

to stab him again with disadvantage because he knows it's coming. God, these rolls. I got three. With advantage? Disadvantage. Disadvantage. So he grabs your wrist and just squeezes really fucking hard

and you feel your wrist dislocate in his hands with a pop. Oh my God. Oh, I can't make pizzas with a broken wrist. What are you doing? You can't make pizzas now. It doesn't seem are you doing? You can't make pizzas now. It doesn't seem like this is a real change of situation for you. Guess what? We're unionizing.

No, you're not. Is he surprised by this? No, everybody wants to unionize. He's indifferent to it. For the first time, for the third episode in a row, I think we have to roll initiative. Fuck. What is happening?

Hopefully all of our bad rolls already happened. 12 plus 1, 13. 17 plus 1, 18. I love that I was like, man, I'm going to say that Link knows how to run a pizza place because it would be really important for this episode. I was plus two, 19. I got a four, 14 on initiative. Man, I really wish he had rested.

Oh my God. Okay. So your shift manager's name, as you can now see on his name tag, is Risky Click. Thank you, Billy Ziegler, for the name Risky Click. Risky Click. Risky Click.

So he's going to, once again, grab normal and try to shove you into the oven with an opposed strength check. Oh, there we go. I got 14. Okay. With a 14, you tie. So he's got you up in his hands.

So you're both sort of grappling each other, but neither of you has a... Could it be the thing where you push him in and then like a cat, you splay your arms out? Yeah, I'm like, I've got my legs like, yeah, I'm like... That's great. That was his turn. Not a terribly interesting turn for Risky Click. He shouts aloud, I need help. I need backup. I need more Papa's babies in here. There's an emergency. And who knows if anybody heard it or not. I'll roll on that. Now it is scary. Wait, sorry, Anthony, could you explain?

Sorry, did you come up here? No, yeah, you're good. Really quick. Surprise! Yeah! Got him! And at that moment, Scary jams both syringes

into the back of Wristy Click's neck, trying to get both surprise and murderous rage. Okay, so go ahead and I would give you advantage if it was just for one, but since you're trying to do two simultaneously,

you'll just do a straight roll. Ten. Okay. Do you have any unarmed? I have plus three. So 13, unfortunately, will not do it. Damn. He's a little bit surprised, but not so much that he made a noise or yelped or had any sort of entertaining reaction to it. Oh, you can see it. Syringes just barely whiff the air

in front of him as he is continuing to push on your friend. Link, it is your turn. You can spend a turn completing your barricade or you can rush to the fracas. Okay, so I didn't complete my barricade before. Well, I mean, it feels like the best thing to do would be to complete his barricade. So yeah, I will complete this barricade. I like that you're totally oblivious. You're like, hmm, hmm.

I know what's going on. I was going to stop, but yeah, I tip over the supply rack with like, not the boxes one because it's a bunch of cardboard that's light. The stuff with like the fucking pans, like all the heavy shit. I dropped that in front of the door. Oh, you know what? That's going to make noise. He's already screaming and stuff.

Okay. He screamed help. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. Okay. Taylor, it's your turn. Taylor's going to wind up for just a big old nut shot. Okay, go for it.

What? Unarmed strike? Uh-huh. And you're specifying a location, which means you roll with disadvantage. 16. Ooh. 16?

I got 16 and 19. Wow, okay. It's almost like a 69, which is almost like a nice. The flat of your foot hits him right in the perineum, and the toe of your foot hits him right in the scrote. His knees buckle. He stays standing, but it hurts a fucking lot, and his strength check is going to be made at a disadvantage if he continues trying to push normal into this oven next turn because a lot of

the wind has been knocked out of him normal i did some damage to him though right like come on oh sure yeah yeah let's roll a d6 plus two you did six damage to him it would be two d6s because each one each ball no you only hit one ball oh damn it would hurt more to have just one ball get hit now is this something we need to know just another to understand the mechanic here so since we're taking out memories theoretically like it's not like we have to make him surprised now we could take with specificity in there somewhere in his life somewhere in his life he has all three emotions from him theoretically you could theoretically it would just be because they're not recent memories necessarily if you're going to like his childhood to find a time where he was surprised that's going

to take more time and you're gonna have to roll better on Arcana to like track that down. But we could just keep him in here for hours of slowly stabbing him and getting lots and lots of memories. As long as you hope that nobody in a busy pizza establishment would ever want to come into the kitchen over this course of hours. Yeah. Cool.

I'm splayed out over the oven. I'm going to try to spring off of the oven and knock him onto the ground. Okay. Probably another strength check. It was a classic, like you're up against the wall in a fight scene. You push off the wall and smash him down. And then he's a disadvantage because he the ground. Okay. Probably another strength check. That was the classic, like you're up against the wall on a fight scene. You push off the wall and smash him down.

And then he's at disadvantage because he just got narded. Because he got narded. Ooh, I got that natural 20. Okay, well he got a five. He got a five, so you get to describe what happens. I push off of the wall

and then I just land backwards. He just slams onto the ground and then I'm like just lying on top of him. The back of his head hits the towel pretty hard and he takes a D4 of damage. And that I feel like was just your move. So you still have an action.

My action is I'm going to grab one of the many syringes I assume are on the floor now. Yeah. And try to extract this specific murderous rage moment to wipe his memory. Cool. So make an attack roll with advantage, I would say, because he's prone.

Nice, nice, nice, nice. 16 plus three, 19. So yeah, you jam the syringe dead in the center of his forehead, and it's stuck there and stuck fucking hard. Oh, jeez. Risky Click tries to get to his feet on his turn. As he gets to his feet, he grabs another one of the syringes, and feeling that you just stabbed it into him,

he's going to turn to you normally, and he's going to try to stab it into your head as well. He got a natural 20. Oh! Oh! This is the most awful fight so the syringe goes in and you immediately find that it manages to sync up to your earliest possible memories what are your earliest memories do you think that normal um probably like i think normal has a vivid memory of shitting his pants at like his fourth birthday party.

Okay, cool. So you feel that going. Would you say that's surprise? That's surprise. No, it was shame. It was shame and fear. It was at a Mexican restaurant. There was a bunch of mariachi singing

and it was really loud and scary for normal and he shit his pants. So you feel that memory of shame and pants shitting beginning to leave your dome. You're going to be okay with that. I was like, haha, I thought of that memory specifically so that you'd get rid of it. So yeah, he pulls that out and now he's just got a

syringe full of this. He goes, haha, your oldest memory. This must be so precious to you. But then he sees, like, you look more calm and he's like, well, what the fuck? What the fuck? A little smile cracks on Normal's lips. I don't know what I did, but I guess it was smart. Normal's just instantly a millionaire now. All right, Scary, it is your turn.

So I feel like I can take another swing at him with the... You can just swing again. That's fine. Yeah. Can Scary pull the memory out since it's only halfway done or whatever? Yeah. The syringe is in his head. You can attempt to extract the memory by pulling on the plunger.

You'll just have to make an arcana check. Okay, cool. I will use my action for that. Okay. Give me an arcana roll. We'll see how specifically you can pull out the memory. Okay, wait, like look at this dice. Like it's not even on the... I'm not going to try to jump so it landed on the cusp between a five and a one. Either way, it was not a good roll. So the second that you put your hand around the plunger and begin to extract the plungery part with your thumb, you feel a connection to his memories. You feel yourself psychically sifting through the messy file cabinets that are the memories of a person that's lived as long as Risky Click has, which who knows how long that is. The first memory

that you jump for and grab in the plunger is just him shitting himself as a kid as well and it means nothing to him but that's currently what the syringe is filled with now that said you can keep that memory in there and then try to stab him again or if you want to squeeze it back in and give somebody else another go of pulling out the right one you can or you could give normal that one and really stab it into me why would you do this i was gonna double up and stab normal Dream back so that this bad guy's back. I was four twice and I shit myself twice in two different places at the same time. So the syringe can hold one memory? Yes. Okay.

I can see every place in this restaurant that I could shit my pants. Why do I know this? Why do I know this? I know the best place to find toilet paper is in the... Yeah, Scary just puts that shit back. I know I can shit for 30 minutes before my hands begin to shake okay so the memory goes back in that is your turn unless you wish to do a move or a bonus action or anything like that i was gonna jump scare you again when you came over

yeah i know link is your turn okay guys here's what we're gonna do i say we restrain him and you know like when you give blood and you get blood tests, they put the needle in once and then they like pull out one syringe and they do another one. They say, oh, it's feeling pretty good. We just got to get more tests. You know what I mean? Yeah, that sounds great.

Normal says with a syringe stuck in his head. I just want to restrain him so he can just sit there and take his memories out at a leisure. Rear naked choke. Rear naked choke. Is that what you're going for? Is he restrained underneath you? He got up.

He got up. He spent half of his movement to get up are there any chairs around yes nice good workplace they actually have chairs it's an unrealistic uh workplace they're ada compliant if there's time to sit there's time to clean or whatever every fucking retail job i've ever worked at says okay yes i'm going to try to push him into a chair and then like grab him from behind and restrain him push him into a chair then grab him from behind and restrain him like hold him into a chair no then grab him from behind and restrain him. Like hold him into a chair. No, no, I understand what you're saying. I'm just trying to- Do you want me to come show it to you?

No. You're in a chair. I'm trying to divvy up if that's one action or multiple actions. Just pull up the sound movement and action. It's just like a specific sort of grapple, I would say. It's a very flash dance-y kind of move. Why do you even need to shove him into a chair?

If you're to grapple him anyway, just grapple him. Okay, sure, I was grappling. Okay, you can try to rear naked choke him or something? Yeah. Okay, go ahead and give me a strength check. So like some soccer version of grappling someone? Yeah, with your leg? Yeah, sure. I was grappling. Okay, you can try to like rear naked choke him or something? Yeah. Okay, go ahead and give me a strength check. So like some soccer version of grappling someone? Yeah, with your leg. Yeah, yes.

I'm going to do like, you know, every woman in a Marvel movie move. You know what I'm talking about. You have one move. Oh, the Black Widow. You're going to jump up and then do the little flippy dip on him. It's like every action movie. It's like, oh, it's a woman fighting. Here's what they do.

It's like, what? I'm going to wrap my vajay around your neck. 15. Nice. A 15 strength check beats his four. Yay. So you hit him directly with your neck. 15. Nice. A 15 strength check beats his four. Yay! So you hit him directly with your vagina and he...

Is the idea that you don't keep going? You like stop and like start like constricting your legs or something? I'm like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu-ing him to the ground,

my arms around his neck and I'm holding him with my six foot three legs and he's completely incapacitated and now I want my fellow doctors to slowly extract all three memories from him. Okay, cool.

So he is restrained which means you're gonna get advantage on attacks and on arcana checks. Somebody should cover his mouth, too, so he can't keep screaming. All right. It is Taylor's turn. Taylor's going to take a bunch of pizza dough and just stuff it into his mouth. Okay. Nice.

That's great. He's restrained, so you basically can do that with no difficulty at all. And he goes, no, no, no, And he goes, let the yeast do its thing. What a horrible thing to say. We wanted abject terror, right? Was that on the, oh, I misread the order receipt. All right, it is normal starting again. I'm going to try to target the memory of everything

that's happened in the last five minutes, which I'm going to hope has enough surprise and murderous rage at least to make a pizza out of it. That's a 17. With a 17, you find basically the last five minutes of his life and you successfully extract it in this range. And it does, as you suspected, include surprise

and the desire for unrepentant murder. So that's two of your three remaining. And then I would like to use a free action. Hey, Hermie, do a magic trick for us. That's right, Hermie's here. Yeah, Hermie's here. So Hermie goes, let's see if that's something

I want to do at all. And he goes, okay. You just flip a coin. Yeah, he flips a, he takes out a silver dollar and flips a coin and catches it and it comes up heads

and he goes, okay, let me show you a magic trick. I'm going to make this pencil disappear. He does the thing where you put your fingers together and it makes it look like your fingers are detached. Your pointer finger and you put your thumb together and it makes it look like your fingers are detached. Your pointer finger and you put your thumb there and it's like, look.

It's a magic finger. Does it spark joy? No. Not even in Taylor? In Taylor. Taylor's like, whoa, cool. Taylor's like, oh, well because I got heads. I live to please. If there had been tails, you would have gotten a very different kind of magic trick. I live to please when I get head too. Damn. Alright, let's go.

Wow. So after you put the dough in his mouth, because he's on the ground trying desperately to like breathe, I was secretly rolling like, is he going to choke on this? And the first time I rolled a three and I said, okay, well, if he gets above a five next turn

that he's not going to choke, he's just going to cough. And I rolled again and he got another three. So he is now choking to death underneath you. I frantically try to scoop the dough out of his mouth to relieve his blocked airway. Give me, I guess, a dexterity roll or medicine. I got a six.

Yeah, so with a six, you managed to get out a lot of the dough that's in his mouth, but there's a big chunk in his throat. Link, Heimlich him! Heimlich him! Link, get him out! It's not my turn. I mean, you're out of initiative. He's not trying to fight you anymore, yeah. Link, Heimlich. Okay. And I start Heimlich-ing. Give me a strength check or medicine, whichever you like.

I got an eight. Okay. So with an eight. Is it working? I don't see anything flying out. It's not working. And you can tell that you have one more attempt to do something or else this guy's going to die. What if we just like pour a bunch of water down his throat and he swallows it?

Oh, God. Wait, wait. I was just going to make it stickier. No, that's a bad idea. Step aside. Step aside. step aside! Taylor's gonna give a shot at, uh, Tracheotomy?

Tracheo- Oh my god. Yeah, Taylor's gonna use his survival skills to give him an improvised trach with a ballpoint pen. I mean, you have syringes around, which is basically ballpoint pen. Oh yeah, I'm gonna syringe the trach area. Oh god.

Okay, give me a medicine roll. Or survival roll. Survival. I'll take survival, sure. I'll take survival on that, right? You're stabbing you plus 218 nice okay so you've now the joy he

feels yeah quick him with the syringe yeah go go for it give me a roll for Arcana should I do it yeah yeah with the syringe plus four seven I hit him with another syringe. Three. God damn it. Three plus four, seven. I hit him with another syringe.

He's flailing his arms around. I got a six. You guys, we're going to have to do another one to make him forget this part. I do it again. I do it again. I just keep stabbing him. Do it again, I guess.

I got 16 plus four. Okay, so it finally hits home as he's flailing his arms around feeling far more panic than joy in this moment. But I got 60 plus 4. You got 60 plus 4. You got a joy moment? Okay, so yes. You can find the joy behind that. I'm no longer happy that he's alive. Congratulations. He has four syringes sticking out of his head.

What moment of joy do I get? You get the moment that he began to breathe through the hole in his throat from the tracheotomy. Okay, and then I'm gonna stab him again so that he forgets the last 45 seconds. That's all the times he spent stabbed yeah i want to extract his memory of getting stabbed all right give me one more roll i got 14 okay so the 14 you managed to extract most of it he still remembers you all stabbing him a bunch of times

with the syringes until he passes out why why Because we can't have him remember. What do you want? Do you want this guy as a witness? Do it. Take him out. Lights out, motherfucker. Someone should be like, he doesn't remember any of this.

Why don't you choke on some dough? Okay, if you don't want to listen to me, I stand up. Here, buddy. You can choke him out. You're not going to choke him out. No, no, no. Choke him out.

Choke him out. What are you doing? Don't listen to this fucking idiot. I'm tired of all the violence being on my shoulders. I stand up. I go, you explain this, normal. All right.

I'm like, oh, my God, mister, are you okay? He goes, oh. Because he can't talk because there's still a bunch of dough in his throat. We like so, okay, so normal. I get some pliers. I get some pliers. I get like, you know, like salad. Salad tongs?

Stick it down his throat to get some of that dough out. He's going to fight you on that. He's not going to let somebody just fucking do that shit. How does he know you're a doctor? All right, roll deception with disadvantage. This 14-year-old claims to have franchised a fucking pizza joint and is a doctor. I got a seven. So he tries to slap your hand away.

So go ahead and make your strength check to see if you can force the salad tongs while he opposes you with his own strength check. So he's still choking? I'm fucking rolling real dice. to slap your hand away. So go ahead and make your strength check to see if you can force the salad tongs while he opposes you with his own strength check. So he's still choking? I'm fucking rolling real dice. No, he's still choking on the dough, but he can breathe. He can breathe. He can't speak.

But he just can't, like, speak in the airways block there. So he slaps, he gets a 13, he slaps the fucking salad tongs out of your hand very easily, and he makes a run

for the door, which he sees is now piled high with appliances, and he's going to start trying to remove them. Well, wait wait I mean like do we really need this dude's

approval? Yeah we got the pizza right here. Yeah we can make the pizza. Yeah but we can't let him leave. Why?

He doesn't remember anything that happened. He just said here allow me I'm going to do one last Heimlich maneuver on this guy. Give me one last medicine check.

That's a natural 20. Yeah. Okay so a perfect fist-sized glob of dough is expelled from his throat and smacks wetly against the iron door smack hard enough to go into say like a 14 inch pizza shape no i say holy cow are you okay mister what are you doing to me you literally were talking about employee safety and i asked if it's okay to fit an entire fistful of dough in my mouth, and you said, oh, no, like, let me show you why not.

And then you choked on this dough, and then you passed out. And he blacked out. Yeah, it was crazy. It was really crazy. And then you tripped and knocked all that stuff in front of the door. We were trying to get help, and that's why we shouted, someone come in here, I need help. But then we got it out of you.

Roll deception. The 20's got to give him some advantage on that right? No it just means you succeeded at curing him I got a 13. Okay so with 13 I'm gonna have him roll insight opposed.

He does have six syringes sticking out of his skull. If I was gonna say anything with my natural 20 would be that when I gave the Heimlich it also made all those syringes pop. Yes!

Yes! Yes! Ding ding ding ding ding, ding, ding. As they hit the walls. So yeah, there's no syringes in him and stuff. That was a big question. He rolls a 17 insight so he can tell that the story you told him

isn't quite true, but he's feeling around in his face. He's like, my throat. I saved your life, man. Oh, that's a tracheotomy. Let me keep that. Yeah, that's what we weren't telling you before.

It's pretty metal, to be honest. Okay. Also, while you're passed out, man oh that's a tracheotomy let me yeah yeah that's what we weren't telling you before it's pretty metal to be honest okay also while you're passed out we had a moment to think about it it was 50 50 most of us don't want to really move up and become delivery guys but like at the end of the day i think this group agrees it would be great if we were we'll accept your offer roll deception with advantage oh my god god damn it i got nine and a three oh so he goes like there's no way i would have offered you guys uh delivery definitely not the way that you've been. The way we just saved your life, mister. We delivered you from darkness, man.

All right. Fair point. I guess I owe you for that. Why don't you just go deliver that pizza to the, it's the lady in the rags out in the main room. And I'll think, I'll think about maybe. Can we use the cat bus to deliver to her? She's literally in the other room.

All right, fine. Throughout this whole time, Taylor is just quietly making the pizza. During this conversation, every time he cut back, he's spinning the dough in his hand. He's putting the mushrooms on. He's just an expert pizza maker in the background because he saw it in an anime.

Great. So yeah, you help him pull aside the things that are blocking the door. He goes, why was the door blocked? As I explained, you tripped and knocked all that stuff. That was me, right? Okay, yeah. The door opens and Lark is there pounding on it

and he's got a bunch of pizza soldiers behind him with their spears out and Risky Clip goes, no, it's fine. I fell. My throat's all fucked. I saved his life. I guess so. Yeah, apparently they saved his life.

Please take that into consideration when you decide employee of the month. No, I'll think about it. Any points at the rear end of the cafeteria and you see a woman in dirty rags sitting there playing with a bunch of yarn in her hands, like doing Cat's Cradle and stuff with it. Oh, shit. I love Cat's Cradle. Happy birthday to you. We all want the pizza over to her.

Taylor likes a little sparkler. I don't know. We can't sing happy birthday. We have to do our own off-putting. You can cast Stomatergy to make sparkles't know we can't sing happy birthday we have to do our own off-putting cast-o-matergy to make sparkles no we can sing happy birthday they settled in a 14 million dollar cork case recently they really should have done that

we have to do the themed happy birthday Papa John's happy Papa Papa wishes you a happy birthday Papa wishes you a happy birthday clap clap clap here's your pizza. So the,

who's the person who hands her the pizza? I am. Okay. Our leader. As he plays the pizza down in front of her, her emaciated bony hand shoots up and grabs you around the wrist really rough. And she looks up at you, the rags that are sort of her cool cloak-y hood

kind of fall away. And you don't recognize her or anything like that. And she goes, Oh, did you want Parmesan? No, the tables don't come with it unless it comes in the box. The little table thing? Yeah, that's only delivery.

And we do have water. You just have to ask for it now. So she goes, you have the table. So she goes, first of all, I would like, yes, water, please. Okay, can somebody get her water? I'm sorry that we have to ask for that now. Holy shit. Yeah, whatever. That's not fire today.

She looks at you and she smiles sadly and she says, you want to save the world. Or worlds, don't you? You can feel that her consciousness is searching through your entire life. When you shake her hand, you feel four-dimensionally that your hand is being shaken. You can feel it backwards and forwards in time. And she goes, you want to save the world, don't you? Or, I guess, worlds. Is that right?

Yeah, that's right, lady. I mean... I think she's talking to Scary. Oh, sorry. No, I'm talking to all of you. Oh, yeah. I see all of you being together for at least some period of time. Oh. And do you see me like kind of like off in the distance, kind of coolly staring off in the distance on a cliffside with the wind in my hair? No, you're not there.

You're dead. What? Oh. No, I'm just fucking with you. I'm not looking at you too clearly because I'm not touching you right now. But do you know how we could do that? Maybe? It seems like you're wise.

No, I don't. I don't have full understanding. I'm so sorry. I don't know how we could do that? Maybe? It seems like you're wise. No, I don't have full understanding. I'm so sorry. How rude of me to not introduce myself. I am Tilt-a-Toblerone, a dimensional witch, and I know that there will be many ways in your journeys together that you will find to save these worlds, and you're going to find these ways together. You will find a way to save this world and the world from whence you came, but you're

going to have to choose which method of world saving is right for you. There will be people in your life who you love, who have ideas of what is right. And there will be people in your life who you hate, who have ideas as to what is right. And it is going to be up to you to decide what happens. Or maybe you make your own path. I don't know. You're right. Why is it up to us?

It is all up to me. During this whole monologue, she's clearly talking that it's scary, but then if you like pan slightly over the left, Taylor's like got his hand on his chin, like looking off in the distance being like, yes, so why? So correct.

Yeah, it's going to be all on you. Okay. Yeah, you're right. Yes, we've been told. Heavy burden. I would also like red pepper flakes, please. Oh, we actually don't have that. Oh, shit. No, yeah, we're out. We spilled it all on the please. Oh, we actually don't have that. Oh, shit.

No, yeah, we're out. We spilled it all on the floor. Oh. In our big fight. We fought a guy. She seems like on our side, though. You seem like you know a lot about this world. Do you know what our dads did?

We were here to save our dads, but we found out, I mean, our dads kind of effed this whole thing up. So, like, how do you know all this? Do you know what they did? I know what they did. I know what they did. I know what their fathers did. And I know vaguely what you will do. Yes. I see in time and space pretty easily. And I saw that today was the day I died. And I wanted to make sure that before I did, I saw you the next generation and helped you out as, as much as I could. Your fathers are within reach. You can find them on this world. And more than that,

you can find a way to deal with the doodler. Did you say you died today? Yeah, how are you going to die? Oh, the heart attack from pizza. Oh, don't eat the pizza! I say eat the pizza. I grab the pizza and take it away.

I want the pizza, though. But that's where the heart attack, maybe that's where the heart attack comes from. The desire for pizza. Gary starts like clapping slowly like, happy, happy birthday. Today's the day you die. I hate to say this very

quick goodbye. You're gonna have a heart attack on a pizza pie. Happy happy birthday. Today's the day you die. She falls out of a chair and is dead. Help! Somebody help! I start doing CPR. I get the feeling we can't do anything. And the

camera pans out as Gary sings a song again. Happy, happy birthday. Today's the day you die. Somebody help! And Taylor goes like, wait, those memories might still be fresh, though. Can we extract them back out in case we need them again? Yeah, let's get the syringe. We drag her.

We drag them. Oh, no. I didn't think that through. No, she knows everything. I take a syringe in. But you said a syringe is only one memory. Yeah, you get one memory out of her. Yeah. Okay.

You can jam a syringe in and take one memory. Search for it. Like, basically ask sort of a question or something you're looking for, and we'll see if you can take out the memory. How do we beat the doodler? But she's dead. Look for a doodler-based memory doodler defeating based memory how do we defeat the doodler all right so you jam a syringe in her head and that's the question that is on your mind

as you root around inside of her memories so i'm gonna roll a dice really quickly okay so what you find is you see the sun which is the first time you've even thought about it since you came in from the Forgotten Realms, from your original world. It'll be the first time we've ever seen the sun. Like the real sun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first time you've ever seen the sun at all

is in the memories of the future of Tilt-Total-Rona, of one possible timeline. You see you and your fathers assembled on one side of a dimensional rift, on the safe side of the dimensional rift, back in your home where you came from initially. And you see the doodler in this realm hanging high in the sky. You see a sun appear in the sky and you see it go supernovae. You see that explosion consume everything in that world. It melts the doodler down to nothing.

It incinerates the doodler and incinerates the land itself, the buildings, everything in this world. You see that wave of fire reach the portal that you were on the safe side of and the portal goes dark and it shuts down forever. portal goes dark and it shuts down forever. And you know that you and your fathers were the ones responsible for bringing the sun back to Earth, but in the most violent and horrible way possible. But in this future, your families are alive, you are safe, and the doodler is dead.

But so is everybody on Earth. But so is everybody on Earth. You should tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies that we sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow

Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak.

Beth May as Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

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Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our new episodes come out every other Tuesday, which means the next one is coming at you September 6th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, brave while we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow

I'll be on my way Normal looks at the memory of him shitting himself and says, perhaps in another world I could have called you friend. you