Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 18 - Grand Theft Gato

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

The Teens attempt to put Papa Johns behind them by doing a series of crimes, but how will they explain this gap in their resumes? And will they finally get a long rest (teens require more sleep than adults, between 9-10 hours a night)??This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. The following trailer has been approved for all audiences. But it's never been done before. Well, that's why it's going to work, Taylor. So to clarify, you want to deliver three human-sized calzones? Huh. Actually, seven. The heist was... Oh, wait, let me get deep in here.

The heist is impossible. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay, yeah. Well, it's not really like a heist. It Oh, wait, let me get deep in here. The heist is impossible. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay, yeah. Well, it's not really like a heist. It's more like a... Let me start that over here. I don't know why I'm doing this whole trailer by myself. Let me just...

The escape plan is impossible and stupid. Seven feet less calzones is a scary ask. Scary even for me. Scary. Hey, it's the only way. I'll do it for you because you're a great friend. Sounds like a hell of a plan, Link. I love you too, best bud.

Normal here, just saying, Lincoln Lee Wilson, my best friend. You're going to need to crew every bit as nuts as you are. Lucky I got them right here with you guys. My best friends ever since my dad betrayed my trust and destroyed my world. Hermie, you're going to have to stay back because, well, you know, you just gotta, I mean, you're just the least, I mean, yeah, right, you're good. Heads or tails, either way, I'm staying.

But these teens, one of which is me, Lincoln, are just crazy enough. Oh, wait, let me try this. Just scary enough. Scary. Seven calzones is a lot of dough to move. Luckily, I got the flour. In my hookup, Teeny the Teen has the eggs.

Now we just need tomatoes. I know where we could get some, but you're not going to like it. Power! We've got tomatoes. I pull off the delivery of the century. Starring Normal Oak. That's not B.O. That's School Spirit. Now let's go!

Taylor Swift. If only I escaped, it would have totally been worth it. Scary Marlowe. Take a bite out of a calzone. I'll bite back twice as hard. Lincoln Lee Wilson. That's me. And Hermie the Unworthy as... The Joker. Hermie the Unworthy as...

Whiskey Click. Oh, yeah, I'm in charge. Hermie the Unworthy as... Greedo DeVito. charge hermy the unworthy as grito devito i'm a big asshole in oceans 11 well uh osha's 11 osha oh yeah okay that's pretty good that's funny i guess it's more like lynx 11 or 5 well hermy stays behind so you know lynx like four plus two dash it's not really a heist let me me just... Link's Big Pizza Adventure, coming to you this evening. 30 minutes or less, like a pizza. And we're going to come in a big cat bus, so don't get scared and don't forget the breadsticks. Or you'll be sorry.

You'll be sorry. Oh, you'll be sorry. I can't keep doing it. Well, anyways, this is a cool movie done by me, Link. That's right. Link's Best Friends Escape Plan. Wait. Link's best friend's escape plan. Wait, Link's best friend's escape Papa John. Link's five best.

No, there's four. Link's four best friends and Hermian dads escape Papa John's. Yeah, escape Papa John's. John's. Oh, someday. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a teenager. Groundbreaking, innovative. Groundbreaking, innovative podcast.

Web 3.0. Web 3.0 cast here on the Metaverse coming at you live. What.0 web are they in the future? They're back to web 1.0. They're spider web. And we're spider boys. And we're spider boys. And we're spider boys. We're back on angel fire,

is that what you're saying? Tripod.com, dude, check out my site. This is a podcast where we use the groundbreaking system known as Dungeons and Dragons

to play and tell an improvised story about four teens from our world who have to save the other world that their grandparents messed up,

which was our world. Just think about it. Write it down. That's the best one. It's okay. This is the story of a girl who cried a river and which was our world. Just think about it. Write it down. That's the best one. It's okay. That's pretty good. This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. The story of a Taylor.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Not that one. Taylor Swift is a cool. Oh, I like that. That could be your thing. Thank you. Thank you.

Taylor Swift's a cool ranger teen. And this week's a teen fact. We're going to expand a little bit more on last episode. Yeah, please expand. Are we getting our third rolling coal fact? No, no, no. This one is why Taylor quit being a pizza delivery driver. Oh, it's like a narrative now. Taylor would

sit on the apps. He'd sit on the breadsticks? He'd sit on the apps. Yeah, exactly. The breadsticks and the ramps. When you sign up for a shift on one of these apps, they'll throw like, hey, you know, here's a delivery from here to here and they'll tell you how much it is and how much the tip is the reason why Taylor quit was the tip was never high enough

for him he'd be like that's not enough to buy a PlayStation you wanted to get a PlayStation off of one tip yes his conception of money is so poor that he was just like what four bucks eight dollars the more free he talks about Taylor the more clear that it's his mom is not a good person.

There's no way that this came out of. And she loves him. Well, yeah, they love each other. I think they have a sweet relationship. She's trying her best. I think it's clear she's not a good mom. I don't know if it's clear that she's not a good person. That's true.

That's true. I meant good mom. Matt doesn't think that women have value outside of being moms. That's true. Oh, man. I was so pumped about this episode. You were slaying, episode now i've been put down a peg your silence is deafening matthew

hi everybody my name is matthew arnold known misogynist i play legally i play legally wilson schooled at home soccer kid who's a productive paladin of the group. Just thinking about because it's nice to have the crutch of like a set number of things like multiple senses and stuff like that. I didn't do that, but I did look up like things to ask on a first date, which, you know, got me thinking. And one of the questions like, what's your favorite place to go on vacation? So Link's favorite place to go on vacation is a very City. It's a very classist thing to ask. Yeah, where do you summer? What's Tent City?

Tent City is the collection of tents that they have in their backyard when Link wants to go camping, because Link's never gone anywhere outside of his house, because they don't vacation anywhere. And it used to be they would all share a tent, but as Link got older, he was a brave enough boy that then he got his own tent. Then the dads would have their tents, and then eventually in order to make it feel more like a vacation spot,

it would be like a tent city. Yeah, there'd be like, you know, one of the tents would be like a local arcade and they would have like, you know. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. You'd play like a little miniature bowling game and some board games in there. No, no, no. One of the tents would be like a little miniature arcade. Matt, what the fuck?

You'd play bowling in a tent? Yeah, like a little. What are you talking about? Like a little miniature bowl, you know, like a bar game. Okay, wait. Why do they have this many tents? Because that's the only place to vacation. So now they got a lot of tents.

Sounds like a pretty intense vacation. Nice. Sounds like the only person that's getting invited to Tent City is fucking normal. Hell yeah. Normal stoked to go to Tent City. Yeah, you got, you know what? Tent number four is going up for you. All right.

Now there's four tents in Tent City. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. Lover of women. Lover of women. He has a wife. A maw-waff. A maw-waff. I'm Will Campos.

I play Normal Oak, a mixed-up mascot kid who's working through his stuff with his dad right now. Yay. And also the co-mayor of Tentopolis.

Yep. Normal fact about Normal this week. I thought I'd talk about Normal's first kiss. Oh, wow. So Normal's first kiss was with the Pomona High School Panther. Okay. There was a game between Teen High, or I guess at the time, whatever their original name was,

and Pomona High, and just the chemistry between these two mascots was off the charts and they kissed in their mascot costumes behind the bleachers. Oh my God. So he's never seen who the actual is. He's never seen

who's actually, it was like in West Side Story. Do you remember that scene in West Side Story behind the bleachers? I mean, they see each other. They do see each other in that scene.

Imagine if they had mascots. Imagine if there was a big shark and a big jet and they clonked mascot heads together. That would have just been better. And Normal considers that his first kiss. I love that there is this true love.

He doesn't know who it is. I love this mystery. You know what's amazing about that? Is that they had to have basically... Because the mouth of Teenie is not at the mouth of Normal's height. It's usually forehead is the mouth. And you're looking low like some neck hole or something. So he basically just like head butted someone.

Yeah. Or they could have like lived it. But sensually. Yeah. What if the other mascot was two people, dog? Wow. What a twist. Then he had a threesome. Good for you. Man, normal is so cool. My first kiss was a threesome. Hell yes. That's the most

14 year old boy thing to say. Oh, yeah. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I'm a known woman. A real one. Known woman, known cry. And I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other girls. I noticed Matt didn't do the gas. I'm not scared of women.

I'm not scared of what, Matt? Of what? I'm comfortable. I'm not scared. Well, okay, fun fact about Scary This Week is that the killer, awesome, super dope metal concept album about these adventures with their friends are

going to be called the Calzone Killers. That's pretty good. Is she working on a concept album right now? Oh, always. There are so many concepts. More in the concept stage than the album stage at the moment. What's your favorite concept album?

The concept of an album is my favorite concept album. Just like albums. Wow. The Sun Ra? Yeah. There's a lot of albums now it feels like you know to put butterflies by a concept there's a lot of albums now music any album that has an overall concept or i was like well yeah is there a term for a more like obscure type like the white album or something well you gotta remember that like prior to i mean like i would say it's seeing a resurgence but like a lot of albums wasn't that albums were collections of

singles and stuff to you know try and slap together to be able to fill up a disc the idea of using a album as a narrative palette is a kind of in you you know i was a big fan of random access memories and i remember feeling such an old person when that grammy was like random access memories one and macklemore one and everybody was going nuts i was like those were both good old albums i was like what random access memories no that's my favorite daft punk album i think that's better than the one everybody likes messing on the couch just clutching his albums being like but but this is we have to do a parody of the Giorgio Moroder song. Oh, my God. That's his memory. It's like Scary doing the, like, it started with a click.

Weirdly enough, yeah, yes, yes. Scary doing that, and then the click. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad, and my favorite concept album is The Simpsons Sing the Blues. Oh, nice. Good album. See? First album I ever bought.

That's a fucking good first album. That's a good first album. That's a good one, dude. Did I tell you mine? Yeah, no. The Chrono Trigger soundtrack. Hell yes. My first album I ever bought, I don't even know if I can find it because it was a non-Christmas

album done by the man I'm Steve Rollers. No way. No way, bro. With your own money. First album you bought with your own money. With my own money. I way, bro. With your own money. First album you bought with your own money. With my own money. I remember going everywhere.

I was like, oh, Manheim Steamrollers, they do non-Christmas albums? That probably sounds awesome. Oh, wow. It did not. Even as a kid who bought it with his own money, I was like, this is not good. Oh, no.

When we last left the group, you had successfully smuggled yourselves out of Papa John's headquarters in the pussy wagon inside Calzones. That's not a euphemism for those of you just joining us. For those of you who are just joining us. I don't know.

There was that one guy, remember? There was one guy. Oh, yeah. There was one guy who near the end of our first season was like, I just started episode 64. Not the time travel episode?

Yeah, and he was just like, it's pretty good. None of us will ever be as happy as that person is. But yeah, so you all escaped in Cal's zones. Normal and his father,

Sparrow, shared a Cal zone so they could talk and basically had a little heart to heart. Sparrow kind of apologized for fucking up the world and telling his son that he wasn't proud of him. And also mentioned that it's cool that normal understands why he had to fuck up the world because they're probably gonna have to do it again.

And as he said that, normal was like, what? And that's my impression of Will. What? What? And then suddenly, suddenly you all heard a voice from the front of the truck go, what the fuck? And suddenly everything jerks to a stop. Do the calzones tip over? No, you rustle within your calzone, but they're all stacked next to each other.

So you all kind of like push next to the calzone box next to you. Hey, give me space in my calzone, man. Scary. I think they stopped the truck. I think it's what was it? Danny Dorito. Dorito DeVito. Dorito DeVito. Danny DeVito is I think he's the truck. Oh. I think it's, what was it? Danny Dorito. Dorito DeVito. Dorito DeVito, Danny DeVito is,

I think he's, oh no, I think he heard us. Can he hear me right now? You hear the back door of the cat open. You hear Sam Fisher turn on his fucking... You hear the sphincter of the cat open. Wait, how did we get in? You went in through the butt, don't worry about it. The sphincter opens like the fucking... Oh, one of those portals

in Star Wars? Well, I was gonna say, what's the aperture on a camera? It's like Stargate. Don't worry about it. The sphincter opens like the fucking... Oh, one of those portals in Star Wars? Well, I was going to say, what's the aperture on a camera? Like a Stargate? No. The rim of the cat's butt is not like jamming down on symbols and if you do it in the right order... You gotta like massage the glands and it opens it up. That's for dogs.

Cats have glands too, bro. No more saying glands about anything so uh you hear footsteps getting close to you and i'm gonna roll randomly exactly calzones okay i'm like a worse pizza too much bread too hot temperature problems so you hear normal the footsteps stop in front of your pizza box, your calzone box. Light comes in as the pizza box gets opened. You see the silhouette and a blade jams down into the skin of the calzone and hands come in and rip it open. And Dorito DeVito sees you and Sparrow.

And he goes, what the fuck is going on? Oh, thank God they knocked me out and baked me in here. I think they wanted to eat me. You're one of them. Oh, God. Calzone. Bill Calzone. Go ahead and roll deception. Are the Calzone guards with him? No. He always goes

out alone. He works alone, dude, like a fucking Like Blade. Like Blade or 2.0. I got a 19. Ooh, with a 19. He goes, wait, what? What happened? I got jumped and they baked me into a big calzone. Yeah, oh, the bad guys. Who's they? What do you mean, who's they? The bad guys. Can he see all

the boxes, though? Yeah. Yeah, the boxes are on the back. They're on the back. I mean, like, he's looking at one right now. Okay, I was just wondering if I could, like, sneak out and try and get to the driver's seat. That's what I was wondering. You can try that, yeah, why not? While Taylor's doing that, Norm's gonna be like, oh, get me out of here, and I can tell you everything, just I need to touch grass.

That's what the kids my age do when we get all too freaked out. I need to just, I need to touch grass. So he just like backs up as if to let you sort of crawl out. All right, and I'm gonna try and get to the front. Okay, go ahead and roll stealth. 18 plus two, 20.

I think my rolls are turning around. Hey, yeah, you managed to slither out of your calzone and make your way to the front. Taylor, being a survivalist, he knew to cut himself a good fast action escape hole. Oh, God. And then you hiccup, and then he turns around and he sees your stupid ass trying to get to the front seat. And I floor it! So you put your foot down, and you find that it works not dissimilarly to a regular car.

That's kind of Anthony. That's very kind, Anthony. Yeah, no, I'm not going to make you learn how to operate a cat from within. There's just a nipple. What do you do with it? What do you do? Here's the new puzzle, baby. Nice.

Just a one. It's just a fucking dish of an areola staring right back at you. It's in a steering wheel. You got to flick it. You got to the steering wheel. You gotta flick it. You gotta fucking tweak it. You'll only one way to find out. There's a nipple on a bus, hot shot.

What do you do? Turns out it's exactly like those Toshiba laptops that have like the little mouse in the middle. Do you know what I'm talking about? The audio clip mouse? Yeah.

The worst laptop. Oh, you mean the one where the mouse was like between the H and the... I remember I had a person that convinced me like, no, that's better than a touchpad or a mouse. I was like, that's insane. Suddenly, the cat pounces forward and starts moving pretty quickly. My eyes turned into like Ghibli anime eyes as I realized I'm living out a dream.

The speed with which you accelerate causes Dorito DeVito to fall onto his back. Oh, I'm going to break and immediately run him over by going backwards. He didn't fly out of the cat bus. He's still there. Oh, he's still there? No, no, no. You said that he backed up to let normal touch grass. Yeah, he backed up, sorry, to the other side of the cat bus.

You're saying he's still in the back of the cat bus? Yes. Like when he was facing the box, he was facing the left side of the cat bus, so he slept to the right side of the cat bus. Link wants to jump out and kick him out of the bus. Okay. Get off my plane. Go ahead and give me a strength check.

Oh, my God. It all comes back to fucking Air Force One dudes. Yes. Well, I re-roll it because I got an 11 plus one when I did strength, and I was like, I'm not going to just change it to plus three. I'm going to re-roll, and now I got a natural one. Oh, the D&D gods took one look. That serves you right for trying to launder a I'm going to reroll. And now I got a natural one. Oh, the deity gods. What serves you right for trying to launder a reroll? Yeah,

how dare you? Oh, can I do this? No, the deity gods smoke your ass, bro. I did it fair. I was like,

I'm going to reroll, but I was like, it doesn't make sense to be strength of him. I'm just kicking. Yeah, no, that's fair. He could have just been like,

oh, I'll just add the bonus to my original role. Cause I like that better, but he didn't, he did the right thing and he was punished for it because that's the world we live in. So you try to run at Dorito DeVito to push him out but he sees you coming steps back trips you and you keep going and you fall out of the open sphincter of the cat as it's back enough to run over can I do a dex roll to see if I can grab onto the fur of the cat oh the

tail dude yeah they love that oh good point 13 with a 13, you managed to grab onto the, not the tail itself, but the fur of the tail, just on the other side of the tail, just near the sphincter. Probably the place the cats least like to be touched in the whole world. The pussy wagon starts freaking the fuck out and jumping in every direction,

jumping around in circles. Everybody is getting just smashed to and fro inside the cat bus. It's having a hell of a time. And you are going to basically lose your grip pretty soon if you don't manage to get inside. A little bit of revisionist history. I think the reason I missed the kick is because I'm covered in marinara sauce. So when I went to step, I just went, woo!

And I just like slid. It's the exact same sound that they made in Jurassic Park. You know what I'm talking about? When Dennis Nedry falls. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? The most weird sound effect in a AAA movie. I always thought that it was also the sound of the wire moving.

Yeah, me too. That's always what I assumed. We met pretty. Did you just call Jurassic Park a AAA movie? Yeah, what else would it be? The best movie $60 can buy for my PlayStation. Sorry, wait, wait, wait. If Jurassic Park is not a AAA movie, then, what else would it be? The best movie $60 can buy for my PlayStation. Sorry, wait, wait, wait. If Jurassic Park is not a AAA movie, then what fucking is? I think Scary's gonna

try to slither out of the calzone so that she can maybe do something. Okay, do it. Okay, cool, that's great that that happens. Link, grab my hand, dude. I do. How does that work? You're like reaching your hand out this cat's ass.

Yeah. Yeah. And the tail's flopping around and shit. So it's going to be hard to grab onto it. Oh, you could cast spider boys on him. Oh, you could if you were arrested.

Oh yeah. I don't have any. Oh, we still have arrested. Fuck man. We've recorded these episodes like kind of back to back, but like for the audience, it's been like four months since our characters.

Once we get this bus, we can park it somewhere. We're taking a nap. I'll tell you right now, once you deal with this shit, you can fucking nap. Okay. I got a natural 20.

So I look up at scary. I go, thanks, Gary. Oh my God. Here. And we do like the coolest predator high five. Okay, cool. And then what do you say to me? Cause I got a natural 20.

Like, is it cool? I say something really cool. Like, what do you say to it? It I got a natural 20. Like, is it cool? I say something really cool. Like, what do you say to 20 people? I want to know, like, is it cool? So wait, rolling a natural 20 means you get to give up improv? You get to be so nice to me. Must be nice to put all the pressure on the woman. Yeah.

Just like Matt. Knew you weren't a pussy's ass, ass pussy. Pussy. Knew you wouldn't pussy out. You would always pussy in. Guess the cat's out of the bag. Link is now standing next to her, but you're still like, figuring out your life. What are we going to do now?

Sparrow leans over. Sparrow leans over and goes, don't get cocky, kid. This is the only pussy you're ever getting inside. Don't get, I'm not going to say that. Dorito DeVito gets to his feet as the cat finishes kicking and starts moving more normally. Dorito says, all right, that's enough of this bullshit. All you motherfuckers get out. And then Sparrow puts his hands on Dorito DeVito's head and just whoosh.

And there is a snapping noise. He rita devito's neck uh his entire body goes limp and he falls to the ground with his tongue lolling out of his is he okay sparrow is he okay sparrow goes yeah he's fine and grabs him by the shirt and just tosses him out the back of the cat bus and pets the top of the cat bus and the sphincter closes. So you are no longer in danger of falling out of the back of the cat bus. Does the cat turn around and kind of like nudge it and then pick it up like it's a dead mouse? Yes.

Taylor's in the front holding it in the mouth the whole time. Taylor's in the front just like grabbing the fucking steering wheel, the nipple steering wheel, and just like wide-eyed and silent. Yeah, and you feel the steering wheel kicking against you

as it turns around to pick it up and like once it's got Dorito DeVito's body in its mouth, it like walks a little more jaunty and like proud of itself you bounce a little bit more in your seat when it moves the sparrow goes ah i can feel what's wrong nothing i can just feel the the memory thing wearing off your brain's coming back uh a little i mean i've got a little bit more time but i know where the others are i know where your parents are grant is in the your parents are. Grant is in the undergrove. Taylor, go to the undergrove.

Hey, wait, we don't know where we're going to go yet. We got to go get Hermie back. We got to save Hermie. Oh. Yeah, well, okay. But keep going. Grant would probably help with that, though. Like my dad could probably be a good help. Terry Jr. is on the outskirts of the city. Let me draw you a map. This is us. And he draws you a map on the back of a greasy pizza box with a pen. I was like, I saw like a big pillar like of light like towers at the city. Yeah, that's the city. It's that's a really cool drawing. I drew like a really accurate little cartoon city with Nathan Drake. It's just this beautiful sketch. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, no. Yeah, my dad's pretty good at drawing. Yeah. I try to make a big photographer, out of it. Quite the cartographer. Cartographer. Cartographer.

Cartographer. Cartographer. Ha ha. Yeah. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know either. Okay, cool. So, yeah, we all agree.

What about my dad? Your dad's in hell. That's fucked up, man. No, not like his dad. Like, he lives there. Hey, what happened with you guys and my dad? Do you really want to know? Is that important to you right now?

I mean, you know. Yeah, you could tell it to us as like a bedtime story while we rest. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, you guys look pretty fucked up. Yeah. I think most of us have died. It's been a pretty crazy day, Dad. I got to be honest.

We're all pretty wiped out here. But like, how much longer are you going to be able to talk to us? I'd say probably this is the last night you get with me before I, I'm a little bit harder to, to deal with. Are you ever going to be able to get like, yeah, how do we like solve that? If we get back to the world we came from,

we'll be fine. Once we're out of the doodlers sphere of influence, I think things will go back to normal. We could put your dad back in the portal. Can we just run back? Like drop you off back home. Yeah. We sure.

Yeah. You totally could. Oh, okay. Let's drop off our parents at school. They'll never see that coming. Yeah, you totally could. Oh, okay. Let's drop off our parents at school. Nice. They'll never see that coming. Okay, but then we got to go rescue Hermie, right?

We got to get Hermie back. I pinky promise. No, yeah, absolutely. We'll rescue my dad, and then we'll rescue Scary's dad, and then we'll go rescue Hermie. Okay, we'll hash out the order in a second. Okay. We could do Hermie before scary tattoo it's fine if

you want you guys can sleep while I drive us back to the portal oh that's great that's great yeah Taylor's already asleep at the driver's wheel because I was like a little angel with him

and he picks you up and puts you in the passenger seat oh there little fire in the back of this cat is there a fire in the back of the cat no but the cat starts purring and it's

very warm and you feel like sparrow knows how to pet a cat properly. She like reaches out of the window and like reaches up and like behind one of the ears and just starts scratching it there as he's driving. And slowly a purr starts and you feel the car begin to like get a little bit cozier and a little warmer and a little softer. And it becomes very easy for you to fall asleep. Link slips back into the cow zone. Where's Uncle Lark? Where's Lark?

Lark is asleep in his calzone okay he didn't even get up no he heard a cacophony but he was so comfy he was just like can i press the long rest button on my character sheet please god uh yeah if you want to do a long rest you can yeah so he drives you back to the hole in which you were deposited from the forgotten realms and while you level up you level up yeah three combats that's more comments we did all of season one we can level up yes and while you're sleeping holy shit oh you see the memory that scary told you about sort of hovering in the distance you see the scene of the sun exploding and the doodler runs dying with it and everybody on this planet dying with it as well and then from behind you you hear a voice saying nah there's a better way

and when you turn around you see willie stampler sort of crossing his arms and leaning up against something that's not really there because he's in dream space but like it looks casual and he goes there's a better way of dealing with this. It's not going to kill a bunch of fucking people. Your parents fucked this up real bad. They don't need to do it again. What way is it? I'm not sure about the specifics.

I think I'll get them figured out. I know I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to piece this shit together. You just got to get inside the doodler's head. You got to psychically communicate him. We can kill him from within instead of having to kill it from without. Just whatever these parents fucking tell you to do, just know that shit ain't the only option.

You don't have to double down on killing an entire world of people. Fucking man, parents, right? Parents, right, yeah. Yeah. Doing okay? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Things have been kind of blowy.

Like, just everything sucks, but that's life, you know? Yeah. Second verse, same as's life, you know? Yeah. Second verse, same as the first. And you wake up. And you are outside the gate, the hole that you were tossing lunch meats and stuff into. Spare's there with a lark, and he's taken the lark out of his cocoon of pizza dough and cheese and tomato sauce. And he's like, thanks, normal.

Thanks, scary and link and Taylor and normal. Thank you for doing. Taylor steps forward. You're welcome. This operation was planned and pulled through without a hitch. Thanks to my compatriots here. Our leader, scary. And me, the sidekick, but really the leader.

Sort of sidekick main character situation. Right hand man, which, as main character situation like right hand man which as you know the right hand is the most powerful hand sure you're right-handed right gary what no my point exactly so sparrow goes sure we'll be back soon probably immediately based on the way the shit works or it'll be i think it'll be the other way like i feel like you're not gonna see us for a while right maybe? Maybe I'm not sure. I can't remember how many times people have done this. But either way, we'll be back with a lot of fucking firepower.

It'll be way easier. But just in case, you know, it's not going to be immediate. Just in case it's the opposite word of it'll be a while. I know where you're headed. Go ahead and get there without us, because I don't want you staying in here any longer than you have to. Where are we going? I assume you're either going to the city to find Terry Jr. or you're going to the undergrowth to find Grant. Yeah. I mean, I think we got to get

everybody back, you know, because it seems like everyone's pretty messed up over here. Just, you know, does mom know about all this stuff? What's going on? Yeah. What are you doing when you get there? Yeah. You're going to tell her what's going on. Can you do that? Or she's going to be freaked out that I'm like, I'm not here. Your mom doesn't know. Well, that sucks. Like, why are you like, how do you be married to someone and keep a lie like that from them? Get him, get his ass. That's I mean, that's kind of how we stay married.

I don't know if you were me, if you were in my situation, would you tell somebody that you killed an entire world of people and unleashed an ancient evil and that the mistakes that you've made are going to infect your kids? And if there's maybe one person in the world who can be considered the worst person in the world

who ruined the most things, it would probably be you and your brother. Would you tell somebody who loved that and expect them to stick around when they had other options? Cause they're hot and own an ice cream company. I mean, maybe not, but I feel bad about it. I do feel bad about it. I just, maybe you should, I know. Just give her a shot, Dad. Just try. Try telling her. Right.

Like, what do you want to your whole life's going to be a lie? Yeah. No, you're not far off. You know what? I tell you what. I'll give her a try. I'll tell her the truth. But you mean I dad.

All I can say is that, you know, I know we got our stuff going on, but I know all that stuff about you and I still love you. Yeah. It's different. Wives and sons are a different thing. There's a lot of different flavors of love. Sparrow. It's like ice cream.

Okay. Okay. You're older than... Okay. I mean, you're going to find this out sooner or later. Getting older doesn't actually make you a lot wiser. I thought that the older I got, the more I would get a handle on this stuff,

but I just don't. Things are just as difficult as they were for me when I was your age, and I don't want to lie to you, and I don't want to say things are going to get easier because they're not. Yeah, okay. That's my way of saying that I believe in you. Thanks, Dave. You don't want to lie to you and I don't want to say things are going to get easier because they're they're not yeah okay that's my way of saying that I believe in you thanks you don't need me here to protect you I'd love to be here to protect you I'm sure Lark would really like to be here to protect you with violence and stuff I mean me too but you're

gonna be okay and I'll be back soon right and I'll have a lot of guns. Oh, okay. Hell yes. Why? Because what's the plan? Sorry, Mr. O'Garcia, what's the plan? The plan is we're going to rescue you. What? We just rescued you. No, no, no. By the time we're back, you know, you'll probably be in with Grant and Terry and you'll probably be in some shenanigans and we'll all rescue.

We'll all leave together. Okay. The whole reason we came here in the first place was to find a way to get rid of the doodler and assuming that terry and grant have done their jobs we'll have that and so we'll come in what is the thing that you're gonna have we're gonna have a way to blow up the doodler for good but does that blow up this whole world what makes you say that i mean it's a role insight i got 12 i get a 12 as well. 15. You gonna roll, Freddie? Nah, I'm still sleepy. So with a 15, Scary, you can tell that he is surprised at the accuracy of what you just said. He didn't expect you to know the full plan. No, of course, no, it doesn't matter. We're gonna handle the doodler.

We'll be safe on our end. The sky will stop being red. You'll get to see what a real sky looks like. It'll be fine. Everything will go back to normal. I mean, we saw this vision and, you know, we saw us on our side and like the sun, but we saw this whole world get blown up. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? We heard that maybe there's another way, a way that doesn't involve you. You heard who told what? What did you hear from who?

Well, that's my pejorative whether or not i say it or not oh well no we should i mean we met willie willie stampler we should i mean we met willie that's a good thing for him to know more information wait what do you mean did he talk to him again well yeah he was like in my dream what our dreams didn't have that willie part it was just us looking at the thing that you saw previously we must be one episode behind willie said that there's another way that our dads if they're so dead set on like killing everybody on earth that there's a different way to do it well that's good to know actually when you look back at sparrow the color history from his face and his hand is beginning to shake at the name Willie.

And scary as you begin to say, well, Willie said that, you know, maybe we could. He in a flash drops to his knees and grabs you by the shoulders and he goes, no matter what happens. Look at me. Look at me. And he like shakes you and he says, do not trust Willie. I didn't know you. You let him out. You let him out of the obsidian door.

You open the obsidian door. The one thing you were supposed to not do you did dad calm down relax you calm down how many things were you not supposed to do when you did yeah also we didn't know we weren't supposed to do it we didn't know what the hell you guys didn't tell us anything we left a video that said don't do this you should have sent a text because that video was like fuck way too long do you understand oh god and then you went through the door do you know how long he's been free on the world we came from in the other world willie you read you know what he did he's been running free this entire time fuck fuck fuck fuck he he puts his hands to his eyes and he says i'm sorry i yelled i'm sorry i shouldn't have yelled i'm sorry i'm sorry that That's on me. That's reflective of me, not reflective

of what you did. It's my trauma from the past and being kidnapped by him and this stuff. Okay. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go and I'm going to try to deal with the Willie thing, but if I can't, you're just going to have to bring the others back on their own.

Tell them what you did. Tell them what happened. And when we all are on the other side together we'll figure it out and if you don't hear from me don't assume the worst but i would get as many weapons together and as many spells as many magical things anything you can do to power yourself up to make yourself stronger before you come back what dad but like what what is the plan what are you are you gonna blow up this world are you still is that oh my god we're still on that yeah sure yes yes okay yes but it's not gonna matter because what about the people here it's gonna matter to them you're not gonna remember

we have a bunch of these syringes at the daddy's hq you're not gonna you forgot i'm not gonna remember i'm sorry dad but you're kind of scaring me right now i get it i know i know i know this is fucked up i know but we did it before everyone on the planet doesn't remember that we shifted from earth to the forgotten realms everybody was freaking out for exactly 30 seconds before the amplifier and the memory syringe did its job and everybody forgot what happened if we hadn't done that everybody would have lost their fucking minds we'd all be dead and we'd be eating each other like here and if you want to go on remembering that you helped us kill an entire world full of people,

if you want to be like me and like Grant and like Terry and carry around the weight of the fucked up shit you did forever, then yeah, sure you can. But I'm not going to let my kid grow up with that and deal with that weight. It's not what I wanted for you. I wanted you to have a normal life

and not to be like me. And right now it seems like you're right on that fucking path of being me again and i can't let that happen so i'm sorry that we're having this argument and i'm sorry that this is what i'm saying but you're not even going to remember that we're arguing about this now we're going to find a different way we're not doing it like you guys did okay we'll see yeah we will yeah i'll see you soon. Normal, I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can. It'll all be fine.

Daddy's going to handle the Willie situation. When you get back, it'll be fine. We'll handle it. The doodler won't be a thing anymore. And we'll all get to go back to normal. We'll all get to go back to the way things were before. Bye. And he kind of shrugs, like, not quite knowing what to say next.

Normal turns away from him and says let's go guys you hear an exhalation from him that sounds uh almost like there's a whimper in it there's like an uneasy quality to his exhalation and then you hear normal balls his fists and wipes a tear out of his eye and just he starts going come on guys let's just go we gotta go get your dads we gotta get her me let's just go. We gotta go get your dads. We gotta get Hermie. Let's go. Okay. You hear footsteps softly walking in the other direction, and then you hear them abruptly stop. And if you happen to turn around, if anybody did... Don't turn around!

Don't turn around! Normal looks back for a split second. They're gone. They've gone through the portal. You do not see them anymore. Damn. You okay, Normal? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm... It's just a lot. It's a lot right now. Y'all, it's just a lot it's it's a lot right now y'all it's this is a lot let's go what do we want to do what are we doing oh we gotta get her me back and i got a way of doing it taylor i want i want to say something to you i i genuinely i you know this is a while ago

but when i i yelled at you and i apologized like that's that's this shit. My family does all the time. We do something bad. And then we just kind of, we get vulnerable for a second and be like, Oh, I'm having such a tough time. And so you got to accept the bad thing that I did, but I don't want to be like that because I hate it. I'm sorry that my dad grabbed you like that. Scary. I'm sorry that he flipped out on you guys. Then he tries to pretend it's okay by just, Oh, well, you know, I, it's just how I felt. And I had to, you know, I have my own stuff going on. You know, I want to justify my bad behavior. So I just want you guys to know that I'm working very hard on being a good person. That's it. Normal. Very well. If that's what it needs to be, then that's what it's going to be.

I don't accept your apology. That was jacked up. You can make it up to me later. And I hold my hand out for a handshake. Are you mad at me or not? Do you want me to be mad at you? I don't want you to be mad at me. I don't want you to be mad at me. I'm just telling you, like, you know, I don't want to just be snapping at people, you know? I think that that sucks, and I don't think that it's okay to just snap at people. Sorry, what I got from that was you want me to be kind of mad at you still, though.

That's what you want? Okay. And I shake your hand. I feel like we made some real progress here. Okay, cool. This is the most teenage boy apology ever. I'm sorry if you were offended. Since that conversation started,

I think Link, he didn't hear what you were saying and he's already calling Marco once he realized how long it's been. You call Marco's number and you hear, to your great relief, the sound of your father's voice saying, hey, this is Marco Lee Wilson. I'm not here right now. And then you hear the voice of tiny Lincoln in the back. What did you want your dad to get off the phone to do instead?

Dad, what are you doing? Ow! What? What's wrong? What did you do? What happened? Exactly. what what's wrong what did you do what happened so yeah he does not pick up you go straight to voicemail oh uh dad okay well i guess i don't know when you're gonna hear from me i don't know how long it's been but i want to talk to you um i don't know you don't seem to remember anything i'm saying anyways i don't know when you're gonna see me dad i just don't want you to be you're gonna be scared because like i'd be scared if it was i don't think i'm gonna be back for a long time we're not on a field trip and i don't know if dad's gonna be back for a long time either yeah i don't know what else to say i needed to talk to you so i love you and i don't know when you're gonna see me or dad and i don't i don't know when you're going to see me or dad. And I don't, I don't know. Maybe you should move on.

Cause yeah, I don't know about dad. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I'm ever going to be home and I'm, uh, I'm going to hang up now. No, what?

Nevermind. This was, this was fine. I'm having a whole break. That was a prank. Taylor, what a prank to play on my dad. Come here.

Look at this wall with bubble gum on it. Oh God. Where's this Frazier mural? We're gum on it. Oh, God. Check out this Frasier mural. We're still in Seattle. Whatever, bye. And then I hang up. Can I try calling my mom? Sure.

Yes, people call your parents. Are they dead? So I dial Scary's mom. So you hear your mother's voice saying, This is Veronica Stampler at Ground Creek Insurance, and I am not at my desk right now. What are the chances of desk right now, but leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as is humanly possible. Hey, mom. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice or whatever. I miss you and never mind.

You know, I'm trying to clean up fucking Terry Jr.'s mess over here, so I'm doing some important shit and you're not a part of it.

So, I love you. Bye. Okay. Hey, ma'am. Hey, Taylor. I knew it. God damn it.

Wait, your mom's there? What's up? Yeah, I mean, you know, she's got to keep her phone on all the time because you never know when you're going to get a call for a gig. Right, Mom? Yeah, right. That's why I keep my phone on all the time.

It's not because my son's been missing for weeks in fucking Seattle. Well, no, we're still in Seattle. Yeah, I mean, that's why I'm not, like, freaked out, freaked out. But, like, you could have called more. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You know what? I'll tell you what.

I'm like Postmates a cake over to you. What? A cake? Why a cake? You like cake. Well, fuck, you got me there. All right. You're right. You know what? I'll tell you what. I'm like Postmates a cake over to you. Why would you get a cake? Why a cake? You like cake. Well, fuck. You got me there, right? Yeah.

Who doesn't like cake, you know? That's great. I'll put this next to the flowers. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool up in Seattle. Anyway, just call

and check it in. See you later. Taylor, see what this is. Is the world okay? Is everything alright over there? How's the world of anime? Not the world of anime. Not the real world.

I got another gig. Nice. I'm doing the story of the guy who anime? Not the world of anime. Not the real world. Well, I got another gig. Nice. I'm doing the story of the guy who lost his balls, the balls guy. He lost his balls and he and the other men look for his balls.

Oh, Dragon Ball. I don't think that's what it's called, but yeah, no, I'm doing... Might be a remake. Yeah, no, I'm doing the main guy, main ball guy.

Oh. Son something. So I mentioned the flowers. I might as well tell you this before, it's a surprise before you come home, but I met somebody.

Wait, what's his name? You want to say hi to him? I am. I mean, you don't have to. It's weird. I know it's weird. It's a little weird. What's his name, though? His name is Willie. He's waving at me like he wants to talk to you.

What's his last name? Stampler? He's waving at me like he wants to. What's his last name? Last name, last name. Uh, Stampler? Yeah. Wait a minute, I feel like he wants to talk to you. You really want to talk to him? Middle name? Put him on.

Oh, okay. Never mind then. Put him on. Willie picks up the phone and goes like, Hey, Taylor. What the fuck? I don't know who you are.

I don't know where I am. But I have a particular set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for douchebags like you. They did make an anime remake of that. I will find you. I will kill you. You know where he is.

I know exactly where you are. I know. I'm not hiding. Your mom likes me. I like your mom. I will kill you. I don't want you to think of me as like a, I'm not, stepdad's not a thing. I will kill you.

Okay. Okay. I kept your mom safe from the mayor what do you mean the mayor what oh hey can you put that speaker for me on speaker yeah you remember that mayor that you guys sort of left running around in your high school oh don't blame us okay so fine so you didn't do it so somebody somebody somewhere let the mayor run loose sorry kids didn't solve you know what hey hey you know i'm sorry You know what? You're right. Hey, I'm sorry.

Link, you're right. You're right. It's not your fault. Your kids. It's not your fault. It's your parents' fault, kind of. But the mayor got loose and sort of started a, whatchamacallit, army. And was basically brainwashing like a lot of people and sort of was going to take over the town.

And I, you're welcome, first of all, saved your parents. where's where's my dad uh oh he's charging his phone oh okay well can he come on and say hi that's why that's why he couldn't pick up it's just his phone hey marco come here marco hey link what's up hey are you okay? I'm fine. Are you? I'm sorry. It's been weird. It's been really scary. Like people have been, these are really politically divided times. Some of the people that sort of follow the mayor's party, I'm not going to say what party that is, have been a little too intense.

It's the Republicans. Have been a little too intense. And there's been a lot of violence. And frankly, I'm really glad you're in. You are really passionate about tariffs. Yeah, no, they are. Are you OK? I wish you would call back more.

But yeah, the reception is bad. We're on the ferry to Bainbridge Island. Hey, can you just like it's going to be there's a cruise in the USA machine. It's weird to say it again. Can you just listen to your voicemail while I'm here really quick? That pretty much and then respond to it. You want to right now listen to the voicemail. OK, I'll give the phone back to Willie and I'll go listen to the voicemail? Yeah, just listen to the voicemail.

Okay, I'll give the phone back to Willie and I'll go listen to the voicemail. Willie, put my mom back on. Okay. Hey, what's up? Mom. Yes? Does he make you happy? I mean, it's a little early for that.

But yeah, no, he's good fun to be around. There's a big riot with all the mayors, like little, what do they call themselves? Mayor heads. Mayor heads. i didn't like it either i didn't think it was a good name mayor's followers all uh they basically rioted and they were setting the fucking town on fire they were marching down the main streets in downtown and just destroying as much stuff as they could and i was at your high school actually to talk to your principal about some stuff that you and the others had done and allegedly allegedly hey if there's no security cam footage there's

no proof yeah but yeah no he saved me he locked us and a lot of the other parents in the lab and then uh like left and sort of went out there on his own and when he came back we were still safe and um damn we haven't seen much of the mayor anymore. Damn, that's pretty wet and wild, Mom. Anyway, I want you to keep an eye on this guy. Taylor, ask her to put Willie back on. Oh, I'm going to run out of minutes, guys. Like, come on.

I've covered the phone. Just put Willie back on. Wait, wait, wait. Could you put Willie back on? Sure, yeah. So Willie comes on and goes, hey, Taylor. Again, I'm not a dad. You don't need to call me dad yet.

I'm fucking with you. Willie, it's scary. Oh, scary, scary. Again, I'm not a dad. You don't need to call me dad yet. I'm fucking with you. Willie, it's scary. Oh, scary, scary. You're okay, you're okay. I'm okay, yeah. You got my, yeah, yeah, you were there for my message. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, good. I was wondering, like, how am I going to contact you if you come up with the idea, the solution or whatever, or if we need help? Here's the thing, kiddo. The psychic energy

that's coming out of the doodler, it's getting more intense. And the more that we've been moving back and forth between the barrier between the two worlds, the more intense it's going to get. We may not be able to talk on the phone much in the future, but I can always, I think you and I, that sort of connect. I mean, I don't want to like make it weird, but like we have like, we kind of like get each other. Yeah. Like, so the dreams I can always, I can talk to you as long as you're cool with that. I can talk to you in your, in your dreams.

Okay. Stuff. Like, so the dreams I can always, I can talk to you as long as you're cool with it. I can talk to you in your, in your dreams stuff. And I think I've been looking into it, looking at some stuff at daddy's. And I think there's a place somewhere in the world that you're in where you can touch and directly communicate with the doodler. Like with a, with a, like a telepathy spell, basically. I just got to figure out. All right. I'm bored. My phone, my rules.

Put my mom back on. Okay. Okay. Here she is mom love you so you hear a kiss on uh the cheek and she takes the phone back and she goes oh willie and he goes what and he mom i love you sorry sorry yes taylor yes no i love you too hey wait real quick what about my mom oh my god i need to do that fuck you it's my mom it's my phone i take the phone for tay. God damn it. Taylor, chill, man. I'm finished. We're all teenagers. I'm giving smoochies smoochies to my mom through the phone.

Okay, normal. You go. This is not a democracy. I just want to know if my mom is okay. I'm kind of not talking to my parents right now, but I still want to know that she's all right. Yeah, she's fine. Okay, great. Just know that we don't entirely trust you, Willie.

You seem like it's just there's a lot of conflicted energy coming off of you. I rolled a discreet insight check, and I got a four, but I still don't know about you, man. So Taylor's mom says, do you want me to put Willie back on? No, absolutely not. You don't really know me very well and I'm not an adult, but just, you know. Oh, your dad, this is Link, right? Yeah, if you want my two cents. Your dad is motioning to me.

Oh, okay. So let me put him on. Willie's toxic. You shouldn't be with him. So she didn't hear that. So Margo puts the phone to his and he goes, hey, are you okay? What's going on? You sounded like, that was a really scary message.

Yeah. Link, what's going on? What do you mean? We're in a different world. The guy you're with, Willie, he's like a super murderer or something, and we got to save him. Oh, actually. You mentioned you might not see me again.

I don't like that. I would prefer it if you came back. Well, yeah. So it's only been like a day for me, and it's been forever for. I would prefer it if you came back. Well, yeah. So it's only been like a day for me and it's been forever for you. And we have a lot of stuff to still do here. And like, I don't know the stakes. Link, Link, Link, stand here. Do a grounding.

Can you count on your fingers? Yeah, I can count my fingers. Okay. Five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can touch. That whole thing. Okay. Yeah. Are you all right?

I'm taking my shoes off too. That helps. Yep. Whatever, whatever. Oh, it's gross down here though. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to put my shoes back on. Is that okay? Now my shoes off too. It helps. Yep. Whatever. Whatever. Oh, it's gross down here though. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to put my shoes back on. Is that okay?

Now my shoes are wet. Okay. What's the worst feeling? Wet shoes. Not in wet shoes this whole time. Wait, wait. Not in wet shoes. The world's going to end in wet shoes.

Oh, Seattle. Oh, God. Seattle. Okay. We're still staying with the cover story, right, Link, or no? Yeah, I don't care anymore. All right. Give me the phone back.

They don't seem to know what we're doing. They don't seem to know. If I tell them, they don't respond anyways. I don't care anymore. All right, give me the phone back. They don't seem to know what we're doing. They don't seem to know if I tell them they don't respond anyways. I don't know. I just don't want him to be lonely and sad if it takes too long or something. And I'm concerned about you, Dad, because I'm pretty sure you're in, like, the lion's den or whatever. You know, like a bad place. I don't know. I just don't understand what you're saying.

Like, yes, it is scary. The stuff with the mayor, that was all really scary. They couldn't find the mayor, but at the very least least it seems like it's chilled out a little bit i'm dad can you make so you only hear me can i do it so i only hear you like like nobody else can hear me right you're not a speaker right oh so put myself off the speaker i thought you were saying if i could affect your phone to make no no i only want you to hear this okay we're off speaker yeah okay you're right it's confusing just know you trust me right if i'm being serious this is a serious voice right when we joke around we joke around a lot then we say with a serious serious voice okay just i know it's gonna sound weird just be on the lookout of willie okay i

don't know how to explain it just trust me don't even ask me any questions just please watch out just be smart like don't be smart sorry serious be smart yeah serious voice yeah don't make fun of i'm sorry i'm sorry just saying don't trust willie and just be on the lookout if the mayor if that weird stuff happened just know that i think willie might do stuff like that too i don't ask how i know my son weird but i'm being serious just please take care of yourself and don't trust him okay i will i'll do my best okay taylor now like all right who wants the phone so steams like give the fucking phone back to my mom! Okay, before I give it

back to Taylor, does anybody else want to use this phone? No! It's my phone! Gary, you seem like Taylor rudely interrupted you. I strength check it. No, it's fine. It's fine. I strength check it! Okay, take it then. Well, does he strength check it if I simply hold it above his head?

Roll acrobatics. You have to give me an acrobatics roll to snatch out of his hand. I got 19 acrobatics. I got five plus one six, which means that Taylor does that move that Tony Yod does in own Bach or he can like fucking do a backflip and kick a basketball out like far above the height of his head. But just cause he just does a bad backflip. Okay, I'll give it back. Just so scary. Sorry, I didn't hear you. You don't want to talk again. Sure. ball out like far above the height of his head but just cause he just does a bad backflip okay

i'll give it back just so scary sorry i didn't hear you you don't want to talk again you sure wait let me talk to willie one more time okay jesus christ i put my hand on taylor's head to stop him from grabbing the phone this is bullying scary yeah yeah it is so willie gets the phone you're saying all this is our dad's fault, right? They did do it. Yeah. Then I know what I have to do. I hang up.

Okay. I need him to say goodbye to my mom! We have a whole routine! Taylor snatches the phone back. The phone dies. Yeah. Phone's dead. Taylor snatches the phone back, sees that it's dead,

and is very cross with all of you. He goes like, this was behavior unbecoming of a team. I agree. I'm sorry. You should have been able to say bye to your mom. I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry. I was just in the zone, you know. Taylor's like a good telltale game. I'll remember that.

We can wait for clean water solutions or we can engineer access to clean water. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow.

Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Is there a phone nearby? We need to call the pizza place. I know how to get Hermie out. How are we going to get Hermie out? Check it out. Is there like a way I can call the pizza place? You've got a phone, don't you?

It's out of batteries, jackass. I mean, there is a phone in the corpse of Dorito DeVito that is still in the mouth of the pussy wagon. I take the phone out of the corpse and I shake it off and I pick it up and I call the pizza place. Okay. You hear the voice of Risky Click say, Papa John's where everybody's the son or daughter of the papa. Hey, Ernie, it's Taylor.

Papa John's, best thing in peace be upon him. Papa John's, thank you for being our dad. Wait, I gotta finish the whole thing before you can order. Sure. Papa John's, in you for being our dad. Wait, I gotta finish the whole thing before you can order. Papa John's, in his eyes, we rise. Like dough.

Like dough. Surprise! Hey, this is Taylor. We'll just be out back in like 20 minutes. Just meet us back there. I don't know who that is and if I did, I would have to tell him that there's no way to meet somebody out back without trying to get into the garage, which is currently being guarded by two calzone soldiers. Okay, just stay near that then, okay?

All right, bye. And then I'm going to drive the cat bus just through the wall of the garage door and just pick up our boy and peace out of there. You know, just a quick in and out. You know what I'm saying? Back it in, smash through it, blow through the fucking calzones. Hermie gets on. We're out of there. You know, just a quick in and out. You know what I'm saying? Back it in, smash through it, blow through the fucking calzones. Hermie gets on, we're out of there. All right, done.

That's all. So, hey guys, now that Taylor's just described his plan to us, how do we all feel about this? I'm tired of discussing our feelings. Let's just... Okay, I guess. Okay, so we're just gonna drive it.

Okay, let's do it. All right, so I'm gonna blow the fucking thing. Roll animal handling as you drive back towards the Papa John's. Before I roll animal handling, I want to whisper. You got six. Don't lie. You just got six right.

I got six. Take your stupid ass plan. No discussion. There's no way a cat's going to go through a wall just to it. No, what happens is you try to go towards the cat, and then the wall is as fast as possible. I know you don't want to talk about the feelings, but can we just take one second to discuss this plan before we just drive straight back to where we were and do the stupidest thing ever. And Will, why were you silent?

Why was I the only one being a wet fucking blanket? Can we just pretend to play this game for one second and just figure out something? And we're recording a podcast for goddammit? Go ahead, take your six, Freddy. Take your six hands and fucking smash this cat into the damn wall. Let's do it.

Oh my goodness. So you speed the cat back towards the Papa John's the way you came in towards the garage, the bay. And you try to steer it to crash through the wall,

but it's a cat. So it just like stops. It just like doesn't want to ram its head into the wall as hard as it possibly can and break through. And you can see through the little grill in the in the garage door that the two calzone carbuncles sort of turn and see like oh he's back and i hop out and i flip them the double

birds and i moon them and i say suck my ass nard faces and jump back in the cat and take off so those guys will chase after me in the cat bus which will then draw them away from the door which will then allow Herman to come out. I'll just do a big circle. Listen to me. Listen to me. What sort of guard is like, that kid flipped me off.

Time to leave my post. I love for anybody like, this is how the plan works, Anthony. I'm saying if you went to fucking Buckingham Palace and you fucking sat there in front of those guards that sit there with the big hats and you mooned their ass and flipped them off. You showed them your fucking whole anus.

They're not going to fucking take it. That's kind of their whole job. Those are the only guards in the world who would not do anything. Worst example. That's literally their thing. They don't do stuff. They'll never leave.

So anyways, that's what you do because none of us are stopping you. I'm just saying that these calzones aren't as good, as disciplined, as those guys. I guess. Imagine a big circle. He's the god of this, so he decides how disciplined they are. Yes. Let me remind you of the setup of this whole thing.

So when you very first came in here, when you very first got here, you saw a camp with log walls with sharpened tips and stuff like that there was a garage torches and there was a you went underground yeah underneath papa john's throne and then there was a garage underground there that sort of came out basically at a lower elevation than where the camp was so it was kind of like the camp was almost at the top of a hill the garage is at the bottom of that hill built into the hill built in the hill essentially bat cave style so you leap out you flip him off you jump back in the cat bus sorry you moon him yeah you flip him off you jump back in i want to make an action for what

small phrase doing all this when he jumps out of the bus link slips into the driver's seat and when he tries to go and go no no no you're taking the passenger seat okay control for a second that's fine that's fine. This plan's happening whether you like it or not, bitch. So you see the Calzone carbuncles look at you and they like narrow their pepperoni eyes and you jump back in the cat bus. I drive away the moment he gets back in because I'm assuming they're like doing something. So as you drive away. We still don't have Remy though.

No. As you drive away for a second, it seems like nothing much is happening. The door doesn't open. They don't come out. And then you see, when initially you think of his stars, and then you realize that's not possible. The stars are all blocked out by the doodler's body. And you see that at the top of the hill behind you from the camp,

there are dozens and dozens of soldiers coming out with torches and swords and spears, and they are descending the hill towards you. Oh, Papa. of soldiers coming out with torches and swords and spears, and they are descending the hill towards you. Oh, Papa. It seems like they may have raised a general alarm that someone has stolen the holy vehicle of Papa John. But let me ask you this, though. Assuming that Hermie has been undercover as the boss, the pit boss.

He's the shift manager. The shift manager. Why would there be any suspicion? There'd be no heat on him. He could come out. He doesn't have the keys. The only person with the keys to get through that door was Dorito DeVito, who you killed.

Yeah, well, we have his corpse still. You do. Okay. If you want to... Puppeteer his corpse. Here's what I think. The keys are still on his body. I know, we've been sitting here in the back

brooding on our feelings for a long time. Shut up, Norm. You shut up, Scary. You shut up, Scary. You shut up. No, you shut up. I can't do this anymore. I can't. You're my friend.

You're still talking about your feelings. What are we doing? So I think Scary should cast a big fireball and blow up those calzones. We can get a Hermie and then she can cast spider climb on the cat and then we can climb out of here. Good point. Let me think about it. Oh, shit, that's good.

Good point. All good. Let me think about it. Super smart. I start backing up the cat bus back to you. Oh, you know what's great? Story, talk to me. What are you thinking?

What are you feeling? When you back up, the cat lifts his tail so you can see out the back. I'm thinking about it. Think faster because we're getting close as I'm backing up. All right, I cast fireball, but I'm not happy about it. All right, so you cast fireball at the door. Oh, there's the pizza calzones. Calzones.

I guess the point is it doesn't matter if we kill the calzones if the door doesn't open. It's going to hit everybody. It's a huge fireball. That's fine. We have the keys. We have the keys because it's the corpse of the guy. Oh, yeah. like pizza calzones. Calzones. I guess the point is it doesn't matter if we kill the calzones if the door doesn't open. I mean, it's going to hit everybody. It's a huge fireball. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. But we have the keys. We have the keys because it's the corpse of the guy.

Oh, yeah. Okay, great. As they're doing that, I try to mentally project to Hermie to duck if he's by the door. I don't have any powers that let me do that. I just feel like normal tries to do that. I think he's smart enough to. Maybe Hermie and I have like a psychic intuition. I think he's smart enough with the commotion of seeing the middle figure and then the cat backing up.

He's like, they're going to do something. Something's happening here. Yeah, just Gary's middle finger comes out of the cat's asshole. I think I'm like, Hermie, duck. Okay. I rolled my favorite date for both of those guys to try to avoid. Oh my God. The fireball hits the two calzone guards that are on the garage side of the door separating the garage from the kitchen.

They are immediately engulfed in these flames. The heat from the metal garage intensifies the temperature. And as the pizza sauce and cheese inside of them begins to boil, they explode from within. There's just two legs on torsos that sort of just end at a certain point. Damn, that's how i want to go the area is still a little on fire it's caught on some of the pizza grease and stuff like that but the path to the door is now open but you can also hear the screams of an angry pizza army descending on you from either side of the hill unlock yeah normal is going to jump out of the

cat's butthole with the key and run up to the door and do like a cool slide through the pizza grease and unlock the door. Give me an acrobatics role. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I got a five. So you just fucking turf it.

Like you just like, can I just like header into the door? Like I just slide across and slam into the door. Yeah. You slam into the door at just the right angle that your head bursts through the door. And Hermie goes, we got to stop meeting like

Hermie. Thank God. to stop meeting like this. Hermie, thank God, let's go. You wrench open the door. Hermie comes out with you and he goes, you did come back for me. I'll be damned. He takes one look back towards the bathroom and he goes, you were my greatest role. And he jumps into the cat bus and the cat, as you're all inside, it like stretches its legs out and its back like shivers a little bit as it fully stretches. And it curls up and begins to nap.

Oh, I start fiercely rotating the steering wheel or a nipple. Unfortunately, Taylor said it was a nipple enough times that I think it's a nipple. I just like punching the nipple. I'm like come on wake up roll animal hand like I got an 11 with your 11 the cat stirs a little bit and it's eyes open and it kind of like stands up a little bit and kind of looks around

but it's not running yet does thaumaturgy let you do illusions or anything you can manifest a minor wonder a sign of supernatural power within range you can do voice you can cause the flames to flicker. Harmless tremors. Instantaneous sound. Can you do like a squeak squeak like a mouse sound?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe a fly sound if it's turned into a spider first. Yes, you can make that sound. Should we see how, yeah. Do we want to see how it reacts to being turned into a spider? Or do we want to just keep it? It doesn't actually get turned into a spider. Shut up, Anthony.

Shut the fuck up, Anthony. Spider climb. Where is it climbing, though? I guess we don't need it yet. We don't need it yet. Let's put the mouse sound always in front of it, perpetually. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, does someone have a laser pointer or something? Oh, shit, that's good. Yeah, we got the glowing gun. Well, that's just a flashlight. Oh, wait, I grab a pen, and I say, Link, glow it up. I glow it. And then I aim the glowing pen out the window, but it's just glowing.

It's not making any specific light. No, it's just glowing in front of you. It's not a directional light. Wait, Taylor definitely has a laser pointer. Wait, wait, wait. Normal gets out of the cat and runs out in front of it like Ian Malcolm with the flare gun. And then she starts waving, going, hey, over here. You're going to get killed if you

have to! I go as loud as I can. I go, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. Real animal handling. Oh, Taylor should have a laser pointer, huh? Yeah. Yeah, he has like one of those green laser pointers. I got a fork. Okay, you do that. You're waving it back and forth. Get the kids! Get the kids! Malcolm, freeze!

You see the pussy wagon's pupils dilate and get really big. As the light's moving back and forth, it moves its little head back and forth to match the light. And then it reaches out with the paw and swats you. Oh, God. And it hits you and knocks you back a couple feet

onto your back. Not hard enough to do any HP damage, but you're knock prone. And you can see the armies of Papa John are now basically here. They are one turn away, 15 to 30 feet of movement away from reaching the garage. I'm raising Arizona normal.

You're stealing a baby? Yeah, I'm going to drive past and then pick him up. Oh, like a Huggies? Yeah. Okay, give me a... Is the cat awake now? Did that at least excite the cat? Yes, the cat is definitely excited.

We should definitely cast spider climb so that it can climb on the ceiling over the army. Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah, and then whatever. I don't know what exactly... If you can't pick up normal, though, I'm going to have to cast spider climb on normal so we can get back in here.

Scary, take the wheel. Okay. I'm going to lean out of the cat's mouth, ear. There are doors on it. There are doors. Yeah, you lean out of the... Oh, we go in through its butt. on it yeah but um yeah you lean out we go in through it yeah i mean yeah yeah what am i an idiot um so yeah you lean out i feel like it's sleight of hand or strength i'll i'll give you some athletics for you so no you got the cat going

by putting that shit in front of so he just start the engine good job yeah you started the engine up it's purring now with my last act as i'm hurled through the air i throw the glowing pen like past the army so that it'll chase the pen great great 14 plus 4 18 18 okay great so yeah you reach out you successfully managed to grab normal as the cat pounces forward past him and you pull him into the cab of the cat, the cat cab. Cat cab is like, you sit in the back, you answer cat trivia for money. For cats.

For cats, yeah. For three cats, what is the capital of? I'm just trying to get to the fucking airport. You sure? If you don't answer the question right, I'm gonna throw this cat out the window. The cat finds itself suddenly surrounded

by the army, as the army sees that you've all gotten into the cat finds itself suddenly surrounded by the army as the army sees that you've all gotten into the cat bus and they move in front of it spears out and the cat like kind of kind of screeches to stop as much as it can behind it is the garage and the hill that it's you know baked into and it's like oh and it's getting a little anxious and trying to bat at the people because it doesn't like being surrounded by all these people. It's too much stimulation. I cast Spider Climb on the cat. Okay, so Spider Climb. And turn it into a spider.

Spider Climb. Until the spell ends, one will increase your touch, gain the ability to move up, down, across vertical surfaces and upside down ceilings while leaving its hands free. And then I will also, by the way, throw in Animal Friendship, which allows me to convince a beast that we mean it no harm okay that's good that's great so yeah instantly both of these two spells hit the cat the cat's ears go into airplane mode it makes a decision and it gets the zoomies and it immediately turns

around 180 leaps up onto the hill and climbs up it with no problem whatsoever it was a cat so it's always gonna actually have a pretty easy time but but now it's even fucking, like, it's practically vertical. But there's, like, some, like, vertical parts. Yeah, it is full-on vertical. The pizza soldiers beneath you are trying to throw their fucking spears and stuff at you, but it manages to escape pretty handily. It actually goes up, and basically you can feel beneath it

because now you'd have to, like, sort of look down to see what's going on, you know, out of the window of the cat. Taylor sticks his head out the window and just joy, tears streaming from his eyes as he fulfills an anime dream. We fly past the doodler's asshole like It's like, yeah, you're just silhouetted against it.

You see as the cat's claws, eventually they stop digging into stone and they dig into wood as it gets to the back of the camp. It climbs up and then leaps over the log barricades surrounding the... The term is it's sail cats over. Yeah, sail cats over.

Like full, all four just out completely straight. It lands right next to the Papa John's throne. Papa like does the fucking invasion of the body snatchers and just points out and goes... And the cat continues with its zoomies it just fucking books it knocks over the front gates scatters all the people that were in line

doesn't seem to care just poof and it's gone it's in the distance and you were right is the entire body 20 feet above us like is the whole world a ceiling the whole world is a ceiling it's not always the exact same height okay because like in order for it to be like a hill and stuff yeah no yeah sometimes it gets lower sometimes it's higher it's undulating upside down on the ceiling i was just running across the doodler itself it could do that yeah if you could find a way for it to jump off get enough yeah right now it's like 50 feet above you so but yeah it could hypothetically do that that's cool it's like an air it's like an airship you know jrbg but it's just 50 feet high. Yeah, kind of. So yeah, you are free.

You are out of combat. Hermie shakes himself free of the character and he goes, red leather, yellow leather. I have to do this to get out of character too. Red Joker, yellow Joker. Red Two-Face, normal Two-Face. Hey, thanks for coming back for me.

I was always my man. I appreciate it. I went and checked out the tunnels of sadness and despair, and if I had gone through there, I feel like I would have seen a lot of stuff that scared me a whole lot. You might have gone Jack Nicholson Joker. No. Cesar Romero Joker.

My plan, if I had gone through there and met up with you later, is that I would understand the true nature of fear. No! No! Oh, no! Oh, no! No! But as it stands, I'm just good old normal Two-Face Joker Hermie.

I'm glad it's just you in there, Hermie. So to remember, we had two other places that we saw. Yes, we were given two other places. Grant was the undergrove and Terry Jr. was near the city. What do we see now, I guess, would be the question. Oh, sorry. The one glowing light you saw before, the one that was really high up, the tower type thing, that was the city. And the undergrove is elsewhere.

That's not one of the places that you saw. So you remember you put the map in the glove box, the glove compartment. And as you open the glove compartment to check it, you find that there are actually some items inside. You see a small tube with a twist off cap that says clear cell on it. You see. Thank God. Normal Groucho just squeezes it into his face.

Immediately your face disappears. Oh my God. I was joking. I don't actually do. No, I guess I did. All right. It's invisible. It's fine.

Thank God. And then normal space. Ah, your head, dude. What do you mean? Your head is gone. Is it just like a fucking glitched out video game? Just eyeballs floating in space?

Yes. Because he would close his eyes. It's just eyeballs, mouth, and a mustache? Yeah, exactly. What's wrong? What's wrong, guys? No, that's like invisibility or something. But did my skin clear up?

He's very clear. I guess technically, yeah. Yeah. I see your eyes, though. So this is clear. Still is from David. Thank you, David, for sending us this item. They say it is a ring fingers sized tube of pimple cream that when applied will cause the limb it is applied to to disappear until it is either washed off or after one hour in game.

Tube has enough pimple cream to be used six times. Nice. Five times now. Also, the front of your hands are gone, too. Oh, yeah. Hey. Oh, it looks like it's floating. Check it out.

Whoa. You also see inside the glove compartment. By the the way it is very oily and it does increase acne it's like not good for your skin that's that's how they get you you also see inside a little like a nightcap with a poof on the end like the night before christmas kind of cap and it's called an ebenezer scrooge kind of cap yes yes cap. Okay, nobody just put that on just in case it does something bad. And then you see a gun. Oh. Hell yeah.

Lock and load, baby. I quickly grab the gun. God damn it. And I check the chamber. Inside the chamber, you see a fingernail. Oh. Oh. Just a fingernail?

Like in... What type of gun is it? Is it like a revolver? Or does it... It is a Beretta. Okay. You check the chamber and there's a fingernail where a bullet should be. How many fingernails are in the clip? Yeah, how many fingernails are in it? Is it like a revolver? It is a Beretta. Okay. You check the chamber and there's a fingernail

where a bullet should be. How many fingernails are in the clip? Yeah, how many fingernails are in it? I checked for other fingernails. There's only one fingernail in the clip right now.

Is that all the information I get? I don't know what it does. By the way, yeah, we know it's magazine, but get the fuck out of here. It's a fantasy podcast. Get the fuck out of here.

It's clips only for submachine guns and stuff. Who fucking cares? Magazine is what? Civvies read on the toilet or whatever. Oh, God, yeah. Fangalore says.

Do we not know what they do i mean you can roll perception you can roll arcana to try to figure it out or you can just use them i'll roll arcana i got 15 arcana plus 5 20 arcana okay i just got a natural 20 whoa all right you know both items yeah with natural you know what both of them do it's like fucking csi and me and scary are like have the gun like spread out and we're examining it we're both talking it's more like house where it's like that figures it out on our, and we're examining it, and we're both talking. It's more like House, where it's like, Beth figures it out on her own, and you're just like, I'm also here. So you can tell with a 20 that the nightcap was an item sent to us by Silk, either Silk or Silky, S-I-L-K-E. Thank you, Silky or Silk.

I'm going to adjust it slightly. So it is a nightcap that when you're wearing it, you fall asleep. Oh. Okay. And then the gun. Dude, how many people would kill for that? This is a billion dollar invention. Yeah, exactly. But we can't make somebody else fall asleep oh okay and then uh the gun dude how many people would wait why do we want it to make somebody else fall billion dollar invention yeah exactly you can't make somebody else fall asleep yeah the original idea was like you put it on yourself and you make them fall asleep was the original thing but like that's so overpowered oh i see the gun was sent to us by

josie wagoner thank you josie it is called the human gun oh no but human is in quotation marks it is a gun that shoots out humans the ammo used is bits of human finger dales hair skin etc and the gun shoots out an identical copy of the human whose bits were the ammo what that's op the human hold on the human has a rain shot out has a range of 200 feet and deals 1d10 force damage to the creature or object hit the human shot out cannot be hurt while in flight for stats the human shot out counts as a medium construct with 6 hp a 10 for every stat speaks the languages of the human whose bits were used as its basis and knows nothing other than it was just birthed and is hyper aware of its own mortality after 10 minutes the human shot out will dissolve into a pile of whatever kind of human bits was

used in the ammo the gun does not work if the ammo is from a non-human if the ammo is from a creature that is only half human instead of shooting out a copy of the creature a flesh golem with only 10 hp flops out of the gun directly in front of the shooter and is hostile to the shooter but will dissolve in 15 seconds scary i think we should see who used this gun you think yeah let's do it all right i shoot the human out all right a naked dorito devito sales 200 feet would you aim at the ground, or where did you aim? I aimed at the air. I aimed at the air. I aimed at the air. Straight up. Because it's like normal size, or the size of the gun.

Yeah, it's normal size. And it grows. You shoot the gun. It has the heftiest kickback of any gun. You fucking hit the bottom of your elbow on the window really hard as this fucking thing kicks in your hand. And a butt-naked Dorito DeVito flies into the air straight up. I can die hard, too.

Yeah. He's in the chair. Oh chair let's get out of here guys he's like the whale in fucking Hitchhiker's Guide Hitchhiker's Guide yeah in his brain he's just like I exist

oh no I'm gonna die one day one day I'm gonna die I'm gonna die right now oh I feel so free I'm going straight up ah what if this happens forever wait I'm slowing down

ah maybe I'll just hang in the air here forever completely at peace oh no I'm falling oh no I'm falling and then he falls and dies and hits the ground and shatters into a thousand nails you wanna pick some of those up so we can use him

again i buy my fingernail and i stuff it into the gun i can't get like we've got a whole bunch of danny devito fingernails and then they dissolve okay i dissolve it yeah shit well we can just use any piece of us at any time so yeah i put my own fingernail in there that's fucking so metal i don't really want to see that happen to myself so you go ahead okay anybody else want to use i mean you know i know don't point it at me i'm not pointing to but i got safety i know safety's on i'm not pointing anybody is it cool if i you know i think i'm gonna hold on to this not scary do you want it you're the leader so no i don't want it okay do you want the hat yeah i want that that's cool nice that's cool as a guy nightcap wow all right what would you like to do i think we didn't decide which way which way we're going yes so bang i shoot myself into the sky into the sky why

how can you not try it what the fuck how can you not try this so a naked link shoots out of the gun again bam ow you fucking hurt your hand with that you hurt your arm with the recoil a naked link flies in the air you're gonna be okay buddy don't worry it's gonna be over soon somebody flies into the air and as he comes down, he makes direct eye contact with you, Link. I stare at him and I mouth to myself, what have I done? And he mouths to you, daddy? And then he hits the ground. You're gonna be okay, son. Oh my god.

And he shakes his head as a tear rolls down his cheek and he hits the ground and shatters through a million fingernails that then dissolve. Holy fuck. So for the second time, you know what it's like to have a kid and then lose him. I bite another fingernail off, but grittier and harder. And I put it in the guy's like, this is not a play. It's important.

All right. Where are we going? Well, we got to either go get Grant or go get your stepdad, Terry. I think we should get your dad first okay yeah yeah you're cool with that oh i'm cool with it that course for wherever the fuck your dad is wait scary what you you have like a little twinkle in your eye yeah do i yeah you do you do is that what's up i mean like normally i feel like you'd be like nah screw my dad i don't i him. How are you feeling right now?

I'm feeling like I'm ready to see him. Okay. I'm ready to talk to him. Okay, good. Well, that sounds good. That sounds great. You want to drive? Yeah, sure.

Okay. There's really not much you have to do. You just got to let the cat do its thing. So you drive towards the landmark marked as the city on your map, and you come to the outskirts of what looks like the former downtown of a very bustling city i'm not getting tricked again we all take another rest before we go to this fucking city we all sleep no rush all right everybody gets your cell spots back all your health back everything's fine sorry just after three and a half episodes of fucking not having our quick it's fine i wouldn't have fucked you on this one because i feel like we could at any point be like

oh yeah you definitely would have slept on the way you know i'm not the cat drives itself we can all just yeah i'm not gonna fuck you in things where it makes sense you would have hypothetically but like you just wouldn't have it work yeah okay so you come to an overlook that looks over the city and in the distance fucking wordsmith in the distance you can see a line of something that seems to be moving and you hear it's like a black line in the middle of the city that's moving and you hear a real unpleasant cacophony you hear a and when you turn you see terry jr hiding behind a rock with a pair of binoculars looking down at the city and he is armed with a sword on his back, and he looks not psyched.

He looks a little stressed out, looks a little freaked out. Hey, what are you doing here? What? What? Hey. Hey. I wasn't expecting to run into you this soon, honestly. Yeah, me neither.

You shouldn't be here. You got to go. Don't tell me what to do. Okay. Well, I mean, if you stick around, you're going to see something you're not going to enjoy. Well, what is it then? Well, I got to go in and I got to get something from the people making that noise. Go ahead then. Fine.

Okay, you coming with me? Fucking sure. All right, I guess. Hey, we're here too. Hi, other guys. Hi, kids. Hi. Hey, how you doing? You can leave the bus. You're going to be safe, but just stay quiet, stay out of sight. We just need to get something and then we can get out of here. And I was hoping in the back of my mind that you wouldn't ever actually show up. But of course you would. I saw this coming.

What are we getting? What do we what do you mean? What's going on? What is this place? A lot of valuable things kind of tend to end up because of the people who are here. And as you walk down, the cacophony you heard coming from the city begins to resolve itself into just a really discordant set of noises that slowly begin to seem like, oh, this is like people very badly playing instruments. It's like the instruments that sound like the wailing of souls and the pain of agony and death. And in this moment, as you get close, you see the black line that you saw from the overlook was actually a large group of people, a big mass of people walking through downtown, playing these instruments with agony, just trying to vocalize the pain that they can't with their mouths, with the instruments themselves. And in that moment, you hear the following noise. I know what this is.

And you realize when you were a young girl, your father took you into the city to see a marching band. And in this moment, you look and you lock eyes with the black. Holy shit. That's amazing! All our days whisked away Is there something more to say? You know that no one knows

us better than ourselves Used to tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies let me sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself All right. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow

Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold

as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burch as our DM Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlowe and myself Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to David, Silky, and Josie Wagoner for providing names and items we used in this episode. Our show is supported by listeners like you. But not all of you. Only the cool ones. People like Sidney Trapp, Ash Dam, Jeffrey Arnold, Greg Korbald, Mazin Abugharbi, Melissa Wallace,

Joe, Lady Bagshot, Gabriel Vergan, B Spanis, Jester, Antonio, Ruben Lane, Joshua Lara, Matthew Davidson, James Stewart, Scott Beaver, Virgil McClurkin, Jonathan Baganschutz, and Hawk X. Directly support this show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsandthedads

starting at just $5 a month. Stuff like Sons and Sons Ability, our Regency-era miniseries. You can get that over there. You can also download that, by the way, on our store as a digital download at store.dungeonsanddads.com. But if you want Sons and Sons Ability,

as well as our other bonus one-shot mini campaigns, as well as behind-the-scenes aftersh campaigns, as well as behind the scenes after shows, as well as Patreon exclusive merch, and just tons and tons of bonus content, more than you can shake a reason besides stick at, you're going to want to check out patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. It's where all the cool stuff is, all the cool people. They're there too as well.

Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our Twitter at dungeonsanddads. Subreddit dungeonsanddaddies. Our store, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our next episode is comingdads. Subreddit, dungeonsanddaddies. Our store, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our next episode is coming out Tuesday, October 4th. We'll see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today.

We live for tomorrow, baked steel and borrowed, brave while we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. Whoa, whales! As artists, we like to put parts of our own backstory into the podcast. I worked at a pizza place. Freddie's from Seattle. I'm a woman.