Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 19 - Pop Punk

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

The teens attempt to be saviors of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Taylor's mom has got it going on. Yeah, my mom has got it going on. Yeah, my mom has got it going on. My mom's got a new boyfriend in her life. In her life. He defeated the mayor and treats her nice. Treats her nice My first impression of him was a little bit sus A little bit sus So if he breaks her heart then I'll rip out his nuts Rip out his nuts I have particular skills that douchebags fear Skills I've acquired From a very long career No one's good enough

For my mom She is kind And generous and strong Plus she's really great At dubbing and the make I just wish to express That my mom is the very best. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

This is, in fact, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast that tells the story of four teens from our world, which wasn't our world originally, but they came back to our world to save it because their grandparents fucked it up. D and D. It's in the game. It's in the game. It's in the roles. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger teen of the group.

This week's teen fact, you know, we've gotten to know Hermie pretty well, I think, over the course of the last few episodes, becoming an integral part of the team, I have to say. episodes, becoming an integral part of the team, I have to say. So Taylor's favorite Joker depiction in cinema and television would be Hisoka, the wild and zany villain from the Hunter x Hunter series who bears quite a bit of resemblance to everyone's favorite clown. That's his favorite version of the Joker. I for sure thought this was going to go in a Joker from Persona 5 direction, but I am pleasantly surprised no no taylor read the assignment and he said fifth character archetype exists across many media oh wow yeah this is the joker yeah you want to see the joker but the japanese take on it that's a joker that's a joker guys what did the joker say to the uh lamb he was getting wool off of why so sheer he is

hey everybody my name is lincoln lee wilson i'm uh your name is lincoln lee wilson my name is lincoln lee wilson and i'm played by matthew arnold um hi i'm matt arnold i play lincoln lee wilson yeah let me leave all right you know you already got big big mileage doing this conversation with yourself last episode i'm a schooled at home sports kid soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group. Little fact about Lincoln. So honestly, his big aspiration is to be a professional soccer player. If he had to be something else, his runner up is a secondary job. He wants to be is a scientist.

That's all he thinks. He's like, I want to be a scientist. And specifically, he was inspired when he thinks of a scientist is essentially just Kevin Costner from Waterworld. He's just like, I want to make pee into water. I just think that's really cool. Maybe if I can't be a soccer player, it'd be really cool

to be able to make pee into water. That seems like a cool job. He is not going to get away from Pissfoot Gumtoucher as his nickname at this rate. I believe that's a class project in the urology department. I was literally about to be like, it's child's play to make pee into water,

but how do you make water into pee? And I was like, by drinking. Yeah. That's the, that's the solution. They saw the scientists are working on the opposite. Wait.

Yeah. Anthony, now we're back on earth. Is it a water world scenario where we're on the only land and the rest of the world is like covered in the oceans? Uh, no, that's how it is better because all the humans left.

I mean, yeah, that's, you described every planet. Yeah. We're on the land. Isn't that how it works? Wait,

isn't that where we in Los Angeles are right now? It's like water world. Dude, this is just like a movie water world where 70% of the world is covered by water. Yeah. Think about it. Think about it. Yeah, man. You know what? You're also naked under your clothes. You know that? Dude this is just like What movie Waterworld In a world where 70% of the world Was covered by water Yeah Think about it Think about it Yeah man

You know what You're also naked Under your clothes You already know that Hi everyone I'm Will Campos Naked under my clothes I play

I don't play Taylor They're gonna fuck out Of my lane I play Normal Oak He's a mascot He's mixed up He's a bitch He's a lover

He's whatever The rest of the Child he's a mother He's a child he's a mother He's a sinner he's a lover he's whatever the rest of the child he's a mother he's a saint uh he's a cleric and uh normal fact about normal this week is normal has invisalign he's got braces but because they're invisible he lost them and he's not told his parents that he lost his invisalign a while ago he's just like yep working as is they're going great he flashes a quick smile and they're like,

well, we can't see him. We can't see him. Do you feel him in there? And he just nods. He's like, for sure, I for sure do. They are under his bed. He has not found them.

They're just attracting him. They definitely give you like new trays every two weeks, but that's just me, Invisalign expert. I guess you don't wear them forever, right? No, you wear them

for like a couple years. Here's what happened. He lost a couple pairs, but his parents keep getting him the new ones oh he's way too far behind he's way too far behind the new ones do not fit so right now he's just been kind of low key pushing the back of his teeth with his tongue to try to shove his teeth far enough he's like oh mom wait let me just put them in he just like does the motion yeah he's got a set of invisalign that he never wears because he just he wears it for two seconds and the pain is excruciating when he spits them out. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow.

A goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that her favorite goth joke is how did the goth kid break up with his girlfriend? He's saying her, you are my sunshine. And she just loves that because she hates you are my sunshine. Because it's not goth.

True. True to her brand. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey dad. I call my dad by his first name. I want to make sure he doesn't think we're too intimate. We've been batch recording some of these episodes, so nothing new has happened in my life, so I don't have any additional Anthony facts to give you. Also, the tattoo coming along?

It's okay. It's nice. It hurts more and more every time I go. Every time I'm like, this time my body will have gotten used to it, and it doesn't. Your body doesn't get used to it. It looks pretty cool, though. Yeah. It does look cool.

Thanks. Yeah. It was all on the color so like we've seen the whole like kind of design and look, it looks fucking badass. No, it looks really nice.

You guys, we're all saying that the colors look right because it's colored by, you can't tell, right? Yeah, I can't tell. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, it's on your back so you can't see it. Yeah, so I can never see it. So I don't, I don't know why I did it. How does it feel being a walking monument to art that you will never experience and enjoy yourself?

Yeah. Oh, you mean like how I can't enjoy this podcast? Yeah. So when we last left you, you had managed to send Larkin Sparrow back to Earth. You had a long weird conversation with your parents back on earth willie is dating everyone's parents just just taylor's he's a real man about town and you know

what listen i hope my mom's happy oh she is um you then headed for the city to go find terry jr holy shit how did we not see that one coming oh the black parade thing yeah just because i kept saying the city yeah that was my four nights of this season. Enjoy everyone. I love it. To see a marching band. You found your father. Your father took you, a young girl, into the city to see a marching band. You saw the Black Parade,

which is a bunch of dour-looking people in sort of black cloaks carrying instruments. They're marching down Gerard Way. That's great. That's pretty good. And Terry sort of led you into the city with the pussy wagon waiting for you back on the overlook. What's the pussy wagon do? Does the pussy wagon get hairballs?

Yeah, I assume so. Fascinating. You are descending towards the city and Terry basically turns to you and whispers, he goes, there's just something I need to get from one of the people in the parade. It's a tape measure around their waist. I just need to get that and then we can go. We can get out of here. Well, we're not going to see what they're doing or anything. They all look so cool.

Yeah, they're very cool. That's my worry. You don't want to- Well, now that you said they're cool, now that makes them less cool. Okay, great, good. Yes, stick with that. I don't want you to think that they're cool. So you're saying they're cool?

Yeah, they're really cool. God damn it. No, look, just try not to listen to them. If you listen to their music too much, if you pay too much attention to what they're saying or the noises they make, you'll probably end up joining them. Well, is it because they're just making good points? That's like, that's a good thing, right? Like if somebody's saying something and then you're like, oh yeah, that's a good idea.

Like you should like, right? I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Why are you advocating for them? I don't know. I don't know anything about that that i'm just wondering why it would be bad if we agreed with what they're saying if we like hung out with them because they like eat people and stuff oh well see i wouldn't agree with that so like buried the lead there yeah sorry no yeah they just a little of us that if we heard somebody say we want to eat people we'd be like oh that

sounds like a good idea we've got good work well i mean if you were here for long enough it wouldn't seem that insane like they just wander around the city, sometimes going out on parading parties, and they take people, and they either bring you into the parade to make the parade bigger, or they just sort of feed on you. Oh. Well, that sounds like we should join them, because I don't want to get eaten. I mean, we don't have to. We could kind of do neither, Taylor.

Yeah, it's the third option. I mean, it seems like you're kind of thrown in the towel pretty quick. Well, what's the third option? What is this tape measure about? What do we need the tape measure for? The tape measure is for dealing with the doodler, for handling the doodler. Oh, it's just like the whole- Oh, like you did before, huh?

Oh, dang. Oh, we're onto that now. Oh, we're onto that now. That's what he says. Nice. And I'm pointing at him. Yeah, no, we found a way to kill the doodler. Without that tape measure, I can't do it.

How about you explain what it does? Yeah. It's called the Schrodinger's Tape Measure that tape measure, I can't do it. How about you explain what it does? Yeah. It's called the Schrodinger's Tape Measure. It was sent to us by Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. It's a tape measure that allows you to use perspective to incorrectly measure an object and then make them that actual size,

kind of like in the game Superliminal. Yes. If you're looking at something in the distance and however big it is to you with your current perspective, you can then sort of like transfer that size and make it really that big in physical space. You measure like a tower and it's like two inches and all of a sudden you have a little two inch tower in front of you exactly or the inverse where you do something that's close to you and then it becomes massive if you move it that's the most overpowered

item in the history it'd be hard to make it actually sounds pretty smart yeah it's only got one use on it oh so what do you want to use it for we want to use it to make something big enough to kill the doodler or make the doodler small enough. Yeah, but we can't see the ends of the doodlers. That wouldn't work. It's too big. But you do see his butthole. They make his butthole really small.

And then he can't poop anymore. And then he dies because he gets all toxic inside. Yeah. His eyes narrow and he's actually thinking about it. He's like, wait, would that work? Some people call me a genius. I was gifted for my class. I read at a fifth grade level.

I don't think that would work. I don't think we've ever really seen too much of the doodler's poop. I think it may be like gaseous or something or invisible. But no, I don't think that would work. I don't think. I mean, maybe it's worth trying. No, no, it's not worth trying. No, it's not worth trying.

No, we're going to do my thing. True geniuses rarely recognize it. It's time. But we talked to Mr. Larkin Sparrow and they, I mean, yeah, I mean, we're going to do my thing. True geniuses rarely recognize it. It's time. But we talked to Mr. Larkin Sparrow, and they, I mean, yeah, I mean, we're not really cool with the idea of, like, killing this whole world or whatever. So, like, I don't know. I don't think we should, like, stop you. But, like, we're trying to think of another way.

No, we should. Yeah, okay. That's what I came here to do. Dang. You came here to stop me? I came here to stop you or to tell you that you're not allowed to be with my mom anymore unless you start following my rules. Because I've got a secret person who's giving me better ideas. And her name is April Mistwell.

And she's a friend that's dating taylor's mom and and not who you think it is but um quick teen huddle quick teen huddle we're gonna talk without you for a second okay okay all right teen health sacred space hey i just i'm with you scary uh larkin sparrow really kind of like they got real freaked out when we talked about the w man so maybe we just kind of smooth over that don't quite make it sound like we let the guy out how's that what do you think i mean why don't you want him to know that it's willie we don't want him to know okay because he's gonna freak out and he's not gonna like my ideas which are really willie's ideas but it's like think about what this dude did.

Terry Jr. Not only did he fucking marry my mom, but he fucking killed a whole planet, basically. And he's responsible for that. And he's not taking responsibility. And somebody's got to make him pay. And if not pay, then just find another way to do this. Okay. Well, yeah, it's your dad.

So if you don't want us to tell him. It's not my dad. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry i said that no no it's easy terry jr is just a butthole that you don't like but he's in your family kind of and if you don't want us to tell him about willie that's that's cool we're your friends so we won't do that right guys we'll just won't i guess tell yeah it's scary this is your play this is your situation so we'll back you But I just, I don't know what to think about anybody right now. I kind of don't trust any adult in any situation we're in. Well, I definitely don't trust the adults that told us what to do my entire life.

You know, like at least Willie lets us come up with our own options and thinks highly of us and enough to make our own decisions. Okay. Yeah, I guess that kind of tracks. I mean, like, what do we do now? What do you want to do with your stepdad? Do we want to help him out? Do we want to just leave? Like, do we, do we take him with us? Like definitely don't take him with us. I mean, maybe we get the, maybe. Okay. Yeah. I think, I think we don't let these adults, you know, F up the situation anymore. And like, maybe we, we help them, but with the agreement that we get

the ruler and we'll figure out a better way to use it than like blowing up this world. I think maybe we should keep that to ourselves. I taller than him man the four of us can overpower him yeah i know but like i kind of want to hear what happened with like nick too yeah well all i know is that everyone seemed to turn against my dad so yeah let's yeah we didn't ask logan let's say hey yeah let's ask him what's up with your dad here's what i'm saying the only thing i'm gonna throw out there is if they need this tape measure we're all in agreement we don't want this planet to blow up right we don't want them to do whatever they want but yeah he doesn't know that yet so whatever he wants to do with this tape measure he's gonna try to get it without us if

we don't do it and so it's better if we get it and then we can take it as i'm saying yeah we go with him and but we don't need to tell him that we're gonna take it before oh sure yeah we can surprise him yeah okay knock him on the back of the head or sounds good time up let's uh try to get on as But we don't need to tell him that we're going to take it before we take it. Oh, sure. Yeah, we can surprise him. Yeah. Okay. Knock him on the back of the head. Sounds good. Tie him up. Let's try to get on his good side, I guess. And I just want to throw out there that I'm not 100% into not killing this world because so far, so far, so far, everyone we've met in this world sucks.

Yeah, but these are cool, like, goth musicians, so maybe they'll be pretty metal. Yeah, they could suck, too. The workers at papa john's were fine they were like stuck there like it's like there's normal people just like forced to work and stuff okay all right cheryl was kind of a bitch though okay all right well yeah do you want to ask him about nick yeah hey march back up to uh terry jr i poke a finger right into his sternum. Ow. Poke, poke, poke.

Ow. Hey, what'd you do to my dad? What the hell happened there? I want your side. I've heard many sides of this story, but now I'm coming to you. Yeah. No, your dad, Nicholas. Yes.

Mickey. Basically, we had talked over potentially pulling Code Purple again and trying to trap the doodler in hell to kill it. And he refused and said that if we tried to do something like that then we would basically be declaring war on hell and that he would open a portal from hell and then try to basically attack us in uh the forgotten realms where we all lived with you he might have been bluffing he might have not been but we decided we couldn't trust him because he knew all the codes for everything in

daddy's and how to get to everything so he knew like everyone's passwords yeah sure and um we uh figured we had to stop him we betrayed him we turned on our friend and uh he does not look proud of what he uh did and he cannot meet you in the eyes as he says this. But he was, he did threaten to like send hell onto this earth too? Yeah, if we tried to activate Code Purple to send the doodler to his home. Sounds like all of you guys kind of like got this whole situation up. Thanks. I'm just saying, I mean. Yeah, I'm with my boy here.

Just honest feedback, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're not wrong. We tried our best and our best was nowhere near good enough. I hope you can do better, I guess. I don't're gonna have to yeah yeah we are so are you gonna help me get this tape measure yeah sure yes i will help you kind of slides his fingers down back and crosses his fingers and just so that everyone else can see he's also fibbing he leads you down into the city and you sneak behind the broken remains of a building okay so there's about 100 people in the freight all together and the person who has our tape measure

is probably going to be in like the brass section. So there's probably only about 15. Way to narrow it down, Anthony. 15, 20 people in that group. But if I know anything about brass section players, that's the tip of the spear. That's the tip of the spear. That's the hardest section of any marching band.

It's actually kind of the only section of any hardest band like the only section of any marching I guess there's the drum line there's a drum line the d-line right is that the call the d-line flag yeah okay all right and then the flag twirlers yeah the baton twirlers bassinets now bassinets yeah a bunch of babies and cribs bassinet what do you what was soon is it bassoon a marching band instrument? I think so.

There's a woodwind, right? There's woodwinds. There's a clarinet. That's what I was thinking. I like bassinets because they're people pushing babies.

And the babies are playing bassoons. That's cute. That's a Dr. Seuss book all of a sudden. Twelve bassinets with a bassoon playing babies.

We don't have to fight them. We can find a way to steal this. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. There's also the person who leads the band, the drum leader drum major is there like somebody in charge with in front with the fucking drum major usually that's mickey mouse yeah usually

yeah the mickey mouse character yes there's a fraud he's in the front and then she is a woman um there's the drum major in the front that you have to avoid at all costs because if he talks to you he is going to almost certainly brainwash you so make sure you you don't listen to him if he sees you they basically do a route around the city with some regularity i didn't have much of a plan i know i'm gonna win i know no matter what i'm gonna get the tape measure to you guys but i don't actually why does this one person have it it's just like wrapped around their waist because they had it when they came here to do something and then they got captured who is oh a old friend of mine named vince oh he's gonna be kind of hard to see because he's only two-dimensional he's two-dimensional yeah

it's only when he turns you can sort of see his full body but the tape measures will be like a floating tape measure sometimes sometimes there'll be a floating tape measure yes yeah but he's been brainwashed so he doesn't recognize you no. Well, he'll be easy to find then. Well, actually, sorry, he probably does recognize me. He just doesn't care anymore. The stories, I don't know for sure because nobody who goes into the Black Parade comes back. What I've heard is that you basically are convinced by the drum major and the music that you're hearing that nothing means anything. That it's completely pointless.

Everything's super dark and there's no respite from the darkness. And that therefore the best thing you can do is just join them and feast on flesh and play the sad elegy for existence in this group until you decay and die. Where's the lie, my dude? See, this is why I didn't want you to come in because it felt like it would be very appealing to you. Well, if it's so appealing and I'm so good at being like that,

maybe I should infiltrate the black parade uh do you play any instruments gary well no but i'm trying yeah aren't you in a band yeah i'm in a band i'm just looking for people who play instruments actually this could be a great recruiting tool for me stop laughing we probably sing right yeah i sing really well yeah so yeah calm down taylor she's probably like a really good singer yeah that was freddie laughing it comes down to fred Freddie laughing at her fun improv. Can we just plug our ears? And then we won't listen to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Earplugs. Can't we just roll in all gummed up with stuff in our ears? Can you show us how to be like, can we all dress cool? I've never dressed cool before. We all dress cool, and we put earplugs in. We can all infiltrate. You'll be our leader.

You'll be the front of the cool goth group that we are i mean there's a bunch of derelict clothing stores around here if you wanted to secondhand clothes the ultimate goth move the vintage hell yeah okay let's go shopping boys all right so as the black parade is moving around in the distance, you can still hear them, but you can hear they're far enough away that you can more or less safely head into these clothing stores. What's the rest of the city like? So like people who aren't in the Black Parade, are they like just living around? As you go through the city, you see haggard, worn down people with a lot of fear in their eyes. You see a lot of movement out of the corner of

your eyes constantly as people seem to dart away from you or lean out from dark corners, try to watch you go. You see corpses all along the ground in various stages of decay. Are there like teeth bites? Are people eating the corpses? Yeah, there are pieces of the corpses missing. As always, the undulating underbelly of the doodler is above you and the lights from the city reflect off of its slimy, scaly, inscrutable exterior. Looking up pan's you normal. It's been a while since you've been outdoors and had the ability to focus on anything,

so you're going to be a little bit freaked out by the fact that you're under this thing. Oh, damn it, that's right. You're taking poison damage. Basically, anything that is in downtown LA, there's a decayed, shitty version of it here because that's what this is. So whatever you'd like to explore and find here

while also running the risk of running into either the parade or potentially, you know, other raiders and banditry and monsters here. Oh, man. This is like a real RPG. So this is the last bookstore, right? But it only carries Sylvia Plath. No, the Sylvia Plath one's probably all gone because of Black Raid. Oh, damn.

So there's a lot of like family circus left. Family circus, chicken soup for the soul. Oh, God. If we want to join this parade to get in close, how do we make sure that we become the guys they join and not the guys they eat? Well, I guess we'll have to be like the perfect goths. Did the band, do they have a uniform? Yeah, if you want to get close enough to sort of see what they look like.

I'll just use my monocular. Remember, I have a little golf distance monocular. Oh, you do? Yes, you do. So black is obviously the color du jour or the lack of color du jour they're about three wood distance yeah they're wearing all kinds of black some of them look like they're wearing cool post-apocalyptic like leather shit that's torn and asymmetrical in interesting ways some of them are just some of them are just wearing torn up fucking black hoodies that are basically rags and tatters some of them are wearing you know full black dresses that have

big rat holes in them but in a cool tasteful like tim burton e-corp. Some of them are wearing, you know, full black dresses that have big rat holes in them, but in a cool, tasteful, like Tim Burton-y corpse bra. So some of them look like goth kids. Some of them look like computer programmers. And other ones look like a hella mom car from a Tim Burton anime.

Yes. Okay, so we just got to get that aesthetic. What are the stores? We got to find some stores. Yes, Gary, how do we look like you? You look already like,

you fit in pretty well already. Yeah, I do. We go to this place called Ho Topic. Oh, the tea fell out. My sweet summer child. Wait, what? Is this not a good star? No, I don't know why I said that.

I see they have some anime stuff now. Yeah, it's a lot of cool music coming out and stuff like that. Anyways, all you got to do to be a good goth girl or boy is like take all the love you have for yourself okay throw it out yeah nobody loves you and if anybody tries to love you what gives them the right throw out the love you have for yourself hell yeah oh man i don't know if i can okay i think i'm gonna have to help myself do this by visualizing it so i'm gonna put all the love i have for myself in a fingernail i'm gonna load it to a gun they're gonna point it okay this is the love for myself i shoot myself into the sky so you shoot

in the sky so a naked uh link flies in the sky and he goes like i love myself and he hates myself and he goes i love me i love me and then as he starts to fall he goes like i love myself and he hates myself i hate myself and he goes i love me i love me and then as he starts to fall he goes it's fine my love will protect me you're gonna die in a second he goes no not love love saves all love love conquers all and he hits the ground and shatters into fingernails that then dissolve and terry puts his hand on your gun and goes what the fuck was that they can hear us now they started gunshot whatever man for us he cares wow he really embodied it yeah wow it's so much easier scary um i'm going to do what's called displacement so i find a like a jar and i write down on a piece of paper everything i like about myself i'm like i'm putting it all in this jar and I'm going to leave this jar behind this dumpster and it's just

there and it's there when I need it but right now it's not here and it's not in me yeah it's pretty lame yeah well you suck right right is that right scary yeah that's totally right I don't good I don't care I knew it was right yeah yeah yeah no no

no I will take all the love I have for myself, the abundance of it. Look at this nerd. And channel it into Vice President Kaguya Shino, the character from one of my favorite animes. My love for myself will now just double into that. I hate myself. All right.

Yeah. Okay. Now let's get close. Yeah, this world sucks. Okay. A whole new voice time. Okay, so we're in a hot topic? Everything sucks. Let. Now let's get close. Yeah, this world sucks. A whole new voice time. Okay, so we're in a hot topic? Let's get in this hot topic.

Scary, what do you see in here? Okay, so. What jumps out? There's a nice, is there like black stuff left over? There's too much black stuff to take. Even if they all grabbed enough, it wouldn't be enough. Would there be like, what, like House of the Dragon fits? Some new Twilight hoodies?

There's more than a few t-shirts with like Stewie from family guy on them um i care of one of those there's uh it is black there's a lot of like whatever you laugh because i'm different i laugh because you're all the same oh yeah yeah yeah mean people suck boys are stupid throw rocks at them a lot of south park t-shirts with like chef on them like really old ones like i guess chef comes back around this is like three wolf moon but it's edward cullen on them across three things and i'm gonna take this black sharpie and like cross out his eyes whoa normal sees all this stuff and he's like you know what this stuff is too consumerist for me this stuff is too mainstream i'm gonna go to that store over there. And he walks off. Well, hey, Norm, wait, wait. OK, I'll come with you.

We'll meet back here, guys. OK, normal was going to the men's warehouse. Come with me, scary. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee you. God damn it. And so the normal emerges from the men's warehouse, like in a nice, like three piece suit with like the sleeves rolled up. And he's like, yeah, it's like, you know, the whole black got, like in a nice, like three piece suit with like the sleeves rolled up.

And he's like, yeah, it's like, you know, the whole black goth scene is so poser, right? It's everyone's like, you know, I carry my darkness on the inside. And so on the outside, I wear an ironic mockery of everything that I hate. Norm, you need to back off because you've been like this for two minutes and I've been like this for two months. So, well, you know what's scary? I don't give two shits what you Scary? I don't give two shits what you think. I don't give two shits. That's what I said.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm copying you. You're copying me because you're copying my entire existence, okay? I win no takesie-backsies. So Terry, who sort of runs up to catch up to me, he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we all just calm down?

Like, you can't be at each other's throats and stuff. Like, you're gonna have to stick together oh my god i'm so sorry you know i'm just i've been trying to get into character here because it seems like this is what we kind of have to do to operate but you're the adult and you're in charge so what do you think we should do man who's this lame-o scary and link walks out and he's wearing the pink floyd shirt but backwards so the prisms on the outside and he has a sticker that looks like an i voted sticker but it says i sharted and then he's wearing a black soccer jersey wrapped around his waist and he's wearing long skinny jeans but one

leg is completely torn so he's like bare on one leg and then he's got full jean on the other leg and he's barefoot what's up guys like you are so cool man oh man it's whatevs check out these digs and then taylor comes out as well but he's just has like a goku shirt on it's just like a really cool goku sweatshirt jinkos and a goku jinkos and a goku sweatshirt and a like three wallet chains great all right all right narc yeah what's this loser guy that's his loser guy people say just narc right i never knew what narc meant narc means uhc means something bad. Good. Yeah. So yeah,

Terry says like, well, okay, what's your plan? Do you just want to go up and join? You don't want to like ambush him? What do you want to do? So I wear these when I go to sleep every night and normal pulls out the crustiest pair of earplugs you've ever seen in your life. So I'm going to pop these bad boys in just so I

don't hear the siren song of darkness from the leader of the band. That was my plan. Yeah, I picked up some of these like really at the Salvation Army. I just got like some headphones. They don't have a cord and they don't work. But like, I'm just going to put them on and just like, you know, they blast some of your own music.

No, it doesn't work, man. There's nothing. There's no power in this. I was just going to put some like cloth and just essentially just make like earmuffs. And I have some Jack Skellington earmuffs that I got at Hot Topic just now. I've popped out the eyes of this Funko Pop and these little black beady eyes are going to fit right into my ear holes. Oh, God.

Okay. I guess I'll, yeah, I'll get some cotton balls from that CVS. Stupid. Okay. Can you pick up some LaCroix's while you're there though? Yeah. No, they left the LaCroix's. Mango, please. Mango. Mango, please.

Mango? Mango, please. So he comes out with a handful of mango LaCroix's and some Pringles. And he goes like, OK, hey, this is kind of nice. What? Spending time with you all. What? Stop.

OK, fair enough. I can't hear what's going on. All right, what's the plan? How are we going to? We just got to get Vince or whatever. We just got to get him, right? We just got to get this. Yeah.

Yeah, we got to get him and we got to get his tape measure and they were like take a break oh i have an idea yeah they camped down for the night and sleep what's your idea if we can kind of like see which direction the parade is going we could set up a bunch of like a fence right which is like has two inch gaps enough so that tape measure can go through and so anyone who's three-dimensional will just stop at the fence but then vince will just slide right through like a filter like a sieve you know i'm saying you're saying we set up a filter for vince but everyone else will get stopped and everyone else gets stopped how would vince go through everybody else he's two-dimensional but he's not an idiot you don't think that when the front of the parade stops everybody else wouldn't also stop fuck you're right is vince at the front of the yeah

right yeah i'm just gonna throw out there that there's a two-dimensional that's true that's true that we could use physics against well i mean if they go to sleep and stuff like can we just like follow like from the rooftops like the batman and just like look at like watch him and then wait till he goes to sleep and then we just like you know ambush him when he's asleep we could climb these buildings this would be a bunch easier let's just follow him till he falls asleep if we were spider boys oh yeah yeah it seemed like the same thing rather than trying to steal it from like the rest. Like what's the deal? Basically, once a night, they all go to sleep.

They obviously have scouts and they take watches on rotation to make sure they don't get ambushed. It seems like the easiest, the smartest time to infiltrate. Plus, like we could get a nap in and I could use my nightcap to contact April, my friend, and see if she has an idea

of what to do. Yeah, I think we follow that at a distance until nightfall. Okay. Give me one stealth roll as a group. 21. Natural 24. I got a 4. I got a 16. The average is out to a 16.25.

Great. Okay, so that is a very good stealth roll. So you managed to covertly follow the Black Parade around. And you see, as you were following them, that they come across one of the dispossessed people that you saw before that was trying to hide in one of the alleys. It tries to run from them as quick as it can, but the drum major signals to the instruments behind them

and they play a, it just sounds like kickoff. It doesn't really sound like music to you, at least not through your earplugs and at least not at this distance. But the guy stops and sort of turns around against his will and comes back to them. And you see the drum major whisper something to the guy and his shoulders slump.

And he sort of nods and walks, looking down at his feet into the parade. And then once he's about halfway through the crowd the crowd pounces on him and you just hear a lot of tearing and you don't even hear screaming we feel the vibrations of low frequency impacts yeah because we got earplugs in and we just see like maybe like bones flying in the air and stuff sure yeah they throw individual bones into the air like just bones wow wow wow, that's pretty hardcore. And then they bed down for the night in their different instrument sections.

There are four sentries put up basically on the corners of the parade. Are they like in an outdoor camp? Like where are they? They just stop in the middle of an intersection. Oh, just like wherever they were, they just stopped. Yeah. Like a roaming army. Yeah, they set up some tents and stuff.

But yeah, otherwise they're just there. They're just in the intersection. He gets really homesick when he sees all these tents being set up wow tent city over here now is there any buildings around them like that we can get like an overview looking down at yeah absolutely it's downtown so there's a lot of skyscrapers and stuff like derelict skyscrapers yes cool a lot of them are actually the tops of them are crushed or circumcised by the doodlers appearance in the sky because it's you know it's so low to the ground do we see vincent from here can we see which bed he's in uh if you want to roll investigation yeah i'll roll investigation with my um monocle taylor what

do your elf i see my elven what do your golf i see 19 plus 5 24 wow okay so you uh scan the brass section and you see somebody you... You know what it is? You know what it is? These golf things often have like a built-in meter to find the flag pin. They'll look for like the flag pin so they'll like automatically figure out where the hole is. And like Vince is at just the right angle.

It's like he looks like a flag pin. Like it's just oblique enough that the golf viewfinder automatically detects him and like, guys, he's just a seven iron away. You find him very easily. He turns a little bit to be parallel to you so you can see his whole body and he just looks like mr game and watch he's holding a trombone in one arm and around his waist is a tape measure and he is parallel to you and then he basically goes to sleep by just like like falls over in like one

frame uh flat against the ground his face in two frames of animation goes honk shoe honk shoe um and yeah the parade is more or less sleeping apart from their sentries what would you like to do okay now's our chance let's go yeah let's sneak in i just need a quick look at our spells to see if anything can help us here so before you sneak in terry puts a hand on scary's shoulder and says hey i need to tell you something what i don't think i make it out of this part. What? Last time we saw each other,

I was talking about the secret and the not keeping stuff from you and all that stuff. And you didn't want to talk about it. We don't have to talk about it. I just think you need to know. So you don't freak out about it when it happens. But yeah, there's an item that we had in,

in, in daddy's HQ. I don't know if you found it, but it was, it was called the die another day. It was like, you could roll it and then you would see how, what happens where you die. And I used that and i'm pretty sure it's here wait i mean

like i don't care obviously but yeah no that's great that's cool yeah i just wanted to do it so it wasn't a didn't freak you out do you uh do you know how it happens all i know is that i see myself surrounded by the black parade something hits me in the head, I go down, and in the distance I can see you. And I think you're holding the tape measure, so I'm pretty sure it's here that it

happened. So just don't freak out when it happens, because I told you now. So spoilers, it's fine. You're cool. Yeah, it's cool. It's totally cool. Yeah, no big deal, right? No big deal. Yeah, I left a letter for Veronica back at the house, so it's all taken care of. Well, I mean, she's going to be pretty cheesed off if you just leave a letter. So maybe you should stick around or something.

Yeah, no, I mean, what if I could? Yeah. Well, maybe you should just stay here and then I'll stay here so So, you know that we're not, uh, I don't even know why I care or anything, but I don't, but I, maybe I should just stay here and, um, and then the guys can go get the thing.

Are you sure? Yeah. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything, but so yeah. Okay. Cause I'm, you know,

I'm a little like in the head right now because i've been here for so long so like if that feels like that's the move that makes the most sense we could do that yeah you and i can and stay here or whatever sure yeah um i'll tell the guys they probably won't care it'll probably be you know you know okay okay i'll be here okay and he just kind of like sits and like looks in the middle distance and like sniffs. Oh, meanwhile, I feel like link,

uh, Taylor and normal have been like trying to find a sneak in point. And so we're like all looking over like a, we've created like a, with small action figures and rocks, like a small scale model next to us. Like, all right. That's why I think if we build a catapult,

we can launch link over the fence and he can land next to, Oh, Hey, what's up scary. Uh, so, um, think if we build a catapult we can launch link over the fence and he can land next to oh hey uh so um you guys are gonna do this one uh without me actually what the fuck you're ditching nerd god i'm sorry am i doing the goth thing right i feel like i'm being too mean i mean you're not being too mean it's just like you make a good point but uh i just have to uh you stay with terry because it's not important why it's just i could oversee what you guys are doing whatever we don't care but like it'd be good to know or whatever but like whatevs yeah yeah it would be good to know but whatevs so basically like why you know you're our friends like just tell us what's up so So, I mean, I don't know.

You know, like, if Terry thinks that being my dad is so easy, then he's got another thing coming, right? Yeah, right. If he thinks that he can just, like, swoop in and, like, love me, knowing me, like, eight months or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. He's got another thing coming.

That's stupid, right? yeah yeah he's got another thing coming that's stupid right yeah and so um if you were dying or whatever that would be like fine i mean no i mean yeah yeah what else wait what are you talking about what do you mean what is he dying is he gonna die well i don't know he thinks he is he thinks he's dying yeah what does that mean to be clear he's not like my real dad like my real dad like i don't know where he is but he's much cooler okay but like what so you want to keep an eye on him is that the idea yeah i guess just to make sure he doesn't do anything too crazy you know all right well yeah that's that sounds good to me like it feels like if he thinks he's gonna maybe have him wear a helmet or something why are you are you staying here? Why are you staying here if you don't care or whatevs?

Yeah, you know what? You're right. You're right. I don't know why. Well, no, wait. I was like, yeah, she should like, you know, this is an opportunity for her to talk to her dad. You know, her stepdad.

What are you doing? I know we're doing the goth thing and it's fun, but like, you know. No, it's not fun. I was just like, I was just like, so deep. He's so deep. He's a character. I was watching this like that's

an actor right there we could use scary i'm just wondering what she's doing yeah i wonder that too no you should you're right you should stay you know whatever stay with your dad he's not my dad all right fine you know what i'm gonna go with you guys no we don't want you to stay back do you want me to stay back with terry or do you want me to we want terry to come too well okay if terry's with us then it's not part of his vision that he dies when i'm yeah he dies oh my god what's happening he had a vision that he gets hit by something in the head he's probably just being a pussy and overreacting and uh this is what i'm saying helmets helmets all the time look at that we're gonna be God for two seconds and there's visions of death. I hate this.

If he stays with us, then like that won't happen. And I don't have to worry about him. No, but wait, what's the vision? Terry had this vision of me like getting the thing. So good for me getting the measuring tape. But he's far away and he gets hit in the head with something. And then like he dies or he blacks out or something bad happens so if he just stays next to me then that won't happen or just never you just don't ever hold the thing yeah as long as you stay next to terry and you never hold

the tape measure then the vision won't happen right saying as long as i don't do any of the cool stuff no you can do all the cool stuff no you do the cool stuff i'll just tape measure is lame we'll just one of us will lameos will hold the tape measure okay so yeah okay that's a little scary now i mean you know yeah i know i get it so we should get him a helmet and you need to just stay on by his side the whole time okay we're gonna deliberately try and make it so that this vision won't come true in the vision are you are you two holding hands? No. We'll hold hands with him. Sounds like you better hold hands with your stepdad. And he wears a helmet

and you don't get a hold of the tape measure and then he won't die probably. This is fundamentally against everything I stand for. You're wearing matching t-shirts in the vision. And he has a shirt that says number one stepdad and you have a shirt that says I love my stepdad.

For safety's sake, we need to make those shirts and you need to wear them. How can you take off for more than like four minutes, Gary? This is hard. What do you mean? You need to go home right now? Wait, Terry, Terry, are you still? Okay, you're fine. Hermione's like,

I went and checked on him and he's just hanging out. I wasn't worried or anything. Terry goes, what? Are we going? Yeah. All right, so I think we're all going to try

to sneak in together to the camp. Yeah, I have a spell that can help with this. I have a spell called darkness. Magical darkness spreads from a point I choose within range to fill a 15-foot radius. That point I choose can be an object I have a spell called darkness. Magical darkness spreads from a point. I choose within range to fill a 15 foot radius.

That point I choose can be an object I'm holding. So the darkness emanates from the object and moves with it. Great. 15 foot radius of a sphere of darkness spreading around corners. Creature with dark vision can't see through this darkness and non-magical light can't illuminate it. It's the most God's shit ever. So we can just all walk in a 15 foot sphere of darkness together.

Yeah. Okay. So you can do that. So basically everybody I'm assuming is going in the same group hermy and terry and all of you yes are going in holding hands i think we should be coming back with the cap yeah i bought some cheap uh novelty walkie talkies at the hot topic so like hermy you watch from above and and you stay in contact with us okay okay i'll be your uh sort of your sort of like an Oracle in a sense. Yeah.

Yeah, no problem. Oracle's a character from Batman, Link. That's the reference. Oh, I was thinking like the cool, like the guy in the helicopter in like Mission Impossible 2. Luther? Yeah. Guys, our references today are so good.

We're doing so well. Does Hermione flip a coin? Yeah, he will. Oh. Oh, shit. So we won't find out about that until later what object are you going to cast what is a good suitably dark object so you cast it on an object i can yeah and then you walk with radius is like an opposite flashlight yeah scary anything cool

that can emit darkness um i'm looking like your hairband what your head your hairband and then like from you it's essentially 15 feet of darkness around you oh i cast it on scary the object is scary okay scary surrounded by a 15 foot radius of darkness so terry goes oh where'd you go oh oh oh and he realizes what happened and he's sort of like noticeably more calm that's why you have to hold hands because you can't see in there yeah yes okay we're all holding hands okay so your stepdad holds your hand he goes this is kind of nice where are we going what are we doing We are going to get this tape measure. Okay. So you sneak into the camp.

Go ahead and give me an advantage stealth role as a group. Wait, is there, are there lights in the camp? Yeah. So from the outside, does anyone in the camp just see like a 15 foot circle of shadow just moving across the street lights? It's a couple of like flames, like campfires and stuff like that. But it's generally always dark because this doodler is blotting across the camp. It's not going to be like street lights. It's a couple of flames like campfires and stuff like that, but it's generally always dark because the doodler's blotting out the sun, so it's a kind of eternal night

in this world. It's not like electricity, I'm assuming. Yeah, they're not going to see a big necessarily black orb heading towards them. 13 plus 4, 17. I got 17. I got a 19. 13 for normal. We're moving like the Raven Guard as a space marine chapter. Okay so uh it sounds

like your average is around 16 17 which is pretty good not to shoot ourselves in the foot also it does feel like based on me now reading this spell a little closer uh it does seem like it also means that we're surrounded by this darkness as well so i feel like we have to shuffle really slowly so that we don't trip over anybody yeah that's totally fair so yeah you managed to get into the camp pretty easily but yeah you very quickly find yourselves moving closer than you would like to sleeping forms on the ground. Oh, Hermes is like those trust exercises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hermes is directing us from above.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Oh, so Hermes is calling out the position. Yeah, he can see a little orb of darkness. Yeah, he's calling. He's like, I'm playing a shitty Pac-Man. Okay, forward. Three steps.

Stop. He has the golf monocle, and he's just directing us from above. Three steps, stop, and ping. And he flips a coin into the air and catches it, and he goes, now forward five steps. Insight, insight, insight, insight, insight. It's going to be disadvantaged because you can't see him. Shit. Shit.

I have really good insight, though. I got a five. I got 21 disadvantage, though. him. Shit. Shit. I have really good insight, though. I got a five. I got 21 disadvantage, though. Yeah. 13. 13. Eight plus three, 11. You had to beat a 15,

so no way of knowing if that's the right move or not. Fuck. Well, normal with his three blunders forward five steps. Okay, so you stomp on the face of a flautist, of a flutist, who...

Keep stomping. Yeah, keep stomping. Just like that boot in that one Orwell thing. Das Boot, the titular boot. Yeah, Das Boot, which is about that boot that stomps on the face forever. The boot that stomped the flautist. You see an angry bearded face with dark eyes,

with dark liquid streaming from those eyes. You step directly onto his beard and he shouts, what the fuck? And gets to his feet. I am going to cast silence okay which is a spell that lets me for the duration no sound can be created within or past a 20 foot radius sphere centered on any point you choose within range any creature or object inside the sphere is immune to thunder damage and creatures are deafened while entirely

while inside it. So yes, within 20 feet of where we are, there's dead silence. So no one can hear this guy. Wow. Okay, great. So he puts the flute to his mouth and starts blowing and nothing happens.

And he's like looking at all confused and he's like, it's like trying to hit it against his knee. And he points at you and his mouth opens, but nothing happens. Then he basically just tries to swing his flute at you. Does Terry murder him? Terry is too busy holding his stepdaughter's hand and being pretty psyched happens then he basically just tries to swing his flute at you does terry murder him terry is uh too busy holding his stepdaughter's hand and being pretty psyched about the fact that they seem to

be having a connection rear naked choke so he rolls a 16 to hit your ac does that do it uh for me yeah i'm almost certain it does the flute whaps you across the temple and uh blood starts trickling down and you go you left eyebrow And you make no noise. Yeah. He turns around and he sees my gun pointed to his temple. And I say, dodge me. And I shoot. Well, you try to say that. And it comes out like nothing happens.

You can't hear you. And I pull the trigger. Can you help? This is such a i've ever i love this gun so much all right so a version of you comes out and deals 1d10 force damage to him so i'll roll 1d10 so a naked version of you comes out going you can't hear shit uh does six damage to him and immediately knocks him prone and is pinned on him. You can see his eyes are just full of fear and fury as this naked

version of you is just gyrating on his body and he's just screaming but silently and he's just like the fact that there's no noise makes it even fucking scarier for him. He doesn't know what to do. It's like a David Lynch film. So yeah, he's pinned right now. He's just trying to get your doppelganger off of his body and your doppelganger is just like and like no noise it's just screaming in confusion so yeah you gotta you gotta turn to handle this before he just empties the clip yeah

well you gotta put one at a time but yes in a cool cynical just dead-eyed way link instantly bites another fingernail i think you have to keep track of how many fingernails you have left to bite yeah then i'll just start biting skin and hair essentially anything you can put in there oh hair yeah yeah i'll take any human stuff i think taylor is going to take a running leap and then just like stomp on this dude's head okay give me an attack roll the advantage because he's pinned 16 plus 420 wow okay so yeah you successfully zephyr strike it with your sword or what are you you're stomping on with my very tall uh hot topic boots that i'm wearing okay great uh so yeah you crunch him in

the head and uh blood shoots out of his nose and he looks like he's not doing particularly well. He still basically doesn't have a turn because you hit him with a surprise round. So I think Scary and Terry can still go. If he's not doing well, I think I am going to also unarm strike him. Okay.

That's a natural 20. Oh! All right, so roll double damage. And also you can just describe exactly what you do, and if you want this to knock him out, you're almost certainly going to take him down to zero. Oh, for me, it's one, so it would be two. Double damage.

All right, so you just barely managed to take him out. Nice. Exactly the HP he had remaining. As a naked Link explodes into nail clippings, which then dissolve into liquid on his body, your fist rocks his temple, and he gets knocked the fuck out and goes back to sleep and then and then i start yelling at her me like

what the hell her me but of course nothing can hear you yeah exactly so it's just me like we can't hear his messages anymore no yeah oh shit well at least for a 20 foot speed we have to move out of this before we can hear his messages actually no i break concentrate it's a concentration spell wait let me just i slowly walk forward until like my eyes get out of the zone of darkness you want to poke just your eyes just eyes out like as much honestly my nose my eyes would be out but i want to get like a sense so you can see that it's basically a straight shot from where you are to where vince is sleeping okay and i just like tactical wave like follow me and then i guess we'll walk until we get out no one can see it silence oh yes are we blind in the darkness i mean it's just dark all around i grab hands and then i just tug everybody to come okay okay yeah yes there's a more or less

straight shot to you from between you and where vince is currently laying with the tape measure on his waist whose hand am i holding taylor's taylor i think it's you taylor normal scary terry okay yeah i think your hand taylor and you know i tried to use my biolanguage to say don't worry it's cool it's straight ahead 20 feet just like kind of like back in your finger yeah not the way you did it visually which was really creepy but luckily nobody listening to this had to see what you did but yes so i started moving everybody forwards towards vincent you do that oh i mean you're you're still yeah you can see in your circle so nothing happens on the way there no you're totally silent you're so we're also standing over this two-dimensional stick figure on the ground

yeah pretty much so someone needs to make i think a sleight of hand yeah should we wake him up or spits his hands and he's like indiana jones and he's got a thing of bubble tape and he's like Indiana Jones and he's got a thing of bubble tape and he starts to get back and forth and looking at the tape measure he's gonna take Cracker Jack Diamond. He takes out some of the tape and removes it because it looks like the weight might not be there. Yeah, who's got good dexterity? Who should do this sleight of hand? I've got this thing

but I actually think it's only in combat so never mind. What is it? One with shadows when you are in an area of dim light or darkness you can use your action to become invisible until you move or take action or reaction that sounds like it might be useful no you can definitely use that not in combat so i become invisible okay okay so yeah until you move or take action or a reaction you are invisible so you're just standing there invisible well yeah you can't do anything you know better be safe than sorry and you weren't invisible in his vision right yeah that's true yeah as long as you stand there forever as long as he's in as long as you stand there forever your stepdad will never die i have plus one sleight

of hand what do you guys have i got plus two okay yeah plus three oh fucking david blaine over here huh fucking hey i put my hand out i like the idea that normal. I put my hand out. I like the idea that normalize. I put my hand out for the tape. I give you the gum. I give you the bubble tape. Careful, my Invisalign's in there. Oh, okay. Wait, and I take my Invisalign out and try to put them in. I'm like, no. Then I put them

back in the... Since you said wait, I got a five. Oh, no. So you try to yank it off of his belt without detaching it or whatever and immediately vince goes from lying down to one frame he's standing up and he opens his mouth like but no noise comes out why no you were talking no you're still silent everything's still no i dispelled the silence so we could move forward all right okay can you cast it again hold on let me see how many spells i have yeah i can cast it cast them. Well, you did wake him up, so he's going to get one moment to react.

So he puts his hand out and you see like a two-dimensional bell form in his hand, like the Game & Watch guy. And he goes, bing, bing, bing, bing. What would it hit against, though, if it's two-dimensional? The sides of the bell itself. So instead of going bing, bing, it was ding, ding, ding, ding, because it's like an eight-bit sound. And around you, you can hear, outside the wall of darkness,

a lot of people trying to get to their feet and go, what's going on? What was that noise? What was that noise? What was that noise? And so, yeah, you are now surrounded by a lot of awake. They don't see you yet, because you're still within the darkness, and they especially don't see Scary, because Scary's invisible.

But I feel like it's time to roll initiative. Oh, God. Oh, because of the Game and watch boy yeah i mean well he just you know he's aware of you and you're aware of him and you're trying to like hurt each other so so much combat what's going on i'm sorry i rolled a goofy podcast i'm sorry i rolled a five on side of hand 16 plus 1 17 oh i got a natural 20 okay things are all working out. From now on, I'm always going to fucking put Zone of Truth around Hermie if he's helping us. I should have done that. Good idea. It's a standing thing.

My initiative is 11. Okay. I got a 4. Alright. And are we in combat with just Game and Watch right now? Just Vincent? Yeah. Because nobody else sees you right now. They just woke up and they heard a bell coming from Vince. It is Scary's turn first. I'm going to try to grapple him him go ahead and give me an athletics check okay if you grapple him and he's face down on the ground well i didn't grapple him because i got a two i feel like i should have

gotten advantage advantage because they're invisible oh yeah absolutely you get advantage yeah roll again roll again all right let's go hot dice hot dice hot dice oh i got a 13 this time okay so uh you got higher than his six so yeah you managed to clamp your arms around the two-dimensional form of vince he's like hey hey hey and he can't ring the bell anymore because you're holding his hands to his sides matt get a little bit of vince oh my god shoot a copy of vince out of the darkness and then people will think that was the one who rang the bell uh i mean it'll last for 10 seconds and turn into gelatin. Damn. That was 10 minutes.

Or no, it's like we've been doing this like It's pretty quick. Yeah. No, you know what? I take it back. It is 10 minutes. The reason the other ones were dissolving is because they died. Because they hit the ground. Because you shot them in the air and they fell down and hit the ground. And I'm going to go ahead and say that the one that was on the guy you knocked out, he also managed to kill that

one before he got knocked out. So it is usually 10 minutes yeah good to know all right so just maybe i will do that i kind of pick up the kind of thing like matt's like i see link looking down his gun once again like kind of loading it back and see me like so i'm gonna take my mall ninja shit and slice a chunk off of vince roll a melee attack with advantage because he's 10 11 plus 4 15 or grappled 15 will it. So you slice off one of his two-dimensional fingers. And that's a four damage to him. Okay, four damage. Oh, all we needed was a fingernail.

Well, listen, okay, I'm not... Although I have spent my whole life studying the ways of the blade, this is truly a pursuit that will take a lifetime to master. Okay, so this is the best I got. It is Vince's turn. He is going to try to wriggle free of your grasp with a dexterity check. Oppose with your... Okay, so he doesn't do shit.

Now, I do feel like Vince would also get advantage because he is two-dimensional. He's two-dimensional, sure. Okay, so go ahead and roll strength, Scary. 18. 18, wow. All right, you beat him. So he is still wriggling in your arms. Why do you look so familiar?

What the fuck? Let me go. He goes, help, help, it's people. It's people. It's people. And around you, three other members of the Black Parade step into the sphere of darkness with confusion in their eyes as they see all of you trying to basically beat the shit out of Vince. You see a drummer, a clarinetist, and a saxophonist. All of them are going to shout in alarm in surprise unfortunately well i think

there's too many fingernails now for us to make a distraction no that's true uh they shout an alarm they say ah intruders intruders sound the alarm they all blow into their uh instruments and it makes a horrible cacophony everyone give me a constitution saving throw with advantage because you have earplugs in. 11 plus three, 14, 12. Natural 20 for me. Natural 20. Seven. You're used to bad marching band sounds.

Please, this sounds molded to this. You think this is anything to me? All right, so everyone other than normal, you're going to take 2d6 damage. Okay. You feel something wet begin to drip from your ears and wet whatever you got plugging them in that moment. Okay, so yeah, Terry also takes a lot of damage and falls to his knees and goes, ah! And lets go of your hand for a second to try to grab at his ears.

And he's like, ah, the earplugs, they didn't do as much as I wanted. They do nothing. They do nothing. Lincoln's turn. Okay, I mean, can I just take the tape measure then? He can't fight back. I think you give me sleight of hand with advantage because because he's still wriggling 13 he got a 14 oh tough blow sorry so yeah you you you get your hands around it but he's moving a little bit too much for you

to easily detach it from the loop on his belt from the carabiner on his belt is an attack no that wasn't an attack is there a way to make that attack so i can get a second attempt at it essentially uh i'm trying to kick it off him I'm trying to kick the fucking thing off him. Sure. Fine. Sure. Okay. There we go.

20. Oh, there we go. Natural or unnatural? Natural. Okay. So you successfully kick it off his belt. It completely detaches from his bells. And with the force of your kick, it keeps moving.

It keeps rolling outside of the circle of darkness. It's out of view. And it plugs up a tuba. So, yeah, it is attached but you also haven't moved yet i'm gonna move to move to it okay great so i'll move out of the i guess the problem of darkness so you move out eyeballs just my eyeballs so just your eyeballs go out of the darkness your nose in your forehead it's like in those looney tunes cartoons when it's like the whirlwind of like people getting punched right yes yeah exactly like wiley coyote's head or when it's like oh there's been a power outage so we only have to animate the eyes like thing so yeah is that yeah it's way cheaper to fill time if you're just doing eyes that's why every cartoon

you've ever seen is as a child had like an episode where the power went out. Oh my God. That's pretty good. Yeah. As you poke the top of your head through the shadow dome, the shadow orb, you see the tape measure roll along the ground and finally come to a stop about 20 feet away at the foot of the drum maker. The big guy, the big guy holding the fucking baton in his hand with a confused look on

his face. As he and several other members of the parade are walking towards the black dome. Hey, am I just kicking that back over here, buddy? Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Oh, God. I'm not going to get worse than a two, so

it doesn't do. He picks it up. Oh, God damn. I'm sorry, everybody. Bad rolls. I feel like I should have been able to grab it off of them well you would i said like i said you could have just like continue to try sleight of hands but you tried to attack it and you're better at attacks so like yeah you succeeded too well all right it is normal's turn you'll re-watch your street magic dvds bro you asked for it i'm about to fucking start shooting naked links with fucking divine smite right now also uh i don't think the

gun only holds one bullet at a time oh no i thought that's exactly what it was no why so when you checked it there was like a bullet in it oh okay yeah i've definitely put like eight fingernails in there oh my god shooting links all over the place it does so much more damage than anything else i have this is absolutely like i'm like is it too weird like just practically there's no other weapon it does 1d10 is more damage than anything else you do yeah because like right now the only i actually don't even have a weapon really i just have unarmed attack and then like divine smite can be used with any oh no because divine smites for melee weapons i'm gonna just pistol with people

though true i'm going to cast because yeah it feels like silence is pretty much out of the window right like doesn't feel like that's gonna help as much right now we're actually stolen because to keep them from attacking again because they attack with their instruments i will cast oh that's great yeah they're super strong silence cool that's great you can see that immediately the cacophony goes to nothing it's dead silence they're confused they're upset at their instruments and uh you are not gonna have to continue to make wisdom saving throws or anything like that if they try to do anything scary Marlo it is your turn where is the tape measure at this point it's with the guy is with the the head of the black parade it is outside of the darkness that you are currently in and you cannot currently see it because you're inside

the darkness I think I will move outside the darkness okay yeah, now you can see it. You can see also that he's coming at you with like five more members of the orchestra. Are they beholden to like his baton? Like how do they follow orders from him? If you roll Arcana and do well, I can tell you. Okay, I got a 16. So the 16, you can tell

that they follow the drum major because he has convinced them at some point in the past of his superiority of knowledge, that he understands the true darkness of existence, and that only by following him, the smartest and most pessimistic and darkest soul that there is, can you ever achieve anything close to self-actualization. That he's the only one who knows how dark things can really get. It's like a dark Tony Robbins.

Interesting. Unfortunately, silence is everywhere. How far is that silence going? It's a 20-foot sphere. It's basically to say the bubble of the darkness. It's just a bubble of combat, too, because you move within 20 feet. Ooh, ooh, ooh, I got an idea.

Okay. Okay, hear me out. I feel like Taylor should cast Thumaturgy on scary and then she can read her goth poetry to the army to convince them that she's the superior darkness leader. Oh, my God. Yeah. She's like, I'm the real drum major. So I feel like we can say that was your move and you're not supposed to be able to hold

actions instead of turns. But like, fuck it. Like we can say if you want to do that, then we can stop your turn here freddie can do the thaumaturgy and then you can resume your turn for the action if you'd like okay so listen taylor give me like 30 seconds in sign language yeah sitting there be like okay okay so a lot of middle fingers and a lot of pointing at myself and then pointing at the world yeah describe the sign language to communicate you want me to make you loud. I point at myself and then I point at my mouth. And then I make a wave motion with my hand.

And then I point up. Then I'm like middle finger, never mind, like cross out my hands. And then I just make a triangle motion from my mouth to the sky. Okay. And then point to myself. Okay, Taylor gets that. So I'm going to cantrip thaumaturgy to scary. Great.

Okay, so scary, it is your turn. Okay. Can you guys give me like one minute to write a poem? All right, and we're back. With the thaumaturgy amplifying my voice, I clear my throat a few times, and I'm like, I'm a little nervous, but... This is original. Just wrote it.

It's called Wiser. Ahem. The loudest coughs. The world breaks down into two veils. One sits heavy on me, drenched in thorns. The other, with knowledge, thus impales me, like a bitter devil with one horn. The world breaks you down and then you die,

leaving nothing but the mess you've made. Follow me to break the tie. Embrace nothingness in a black parade. Everything sucks and no marching band can give you truth like my poetry now. I have

no wisdom, no fucking plan that makes me wiser. Don't ask how. The end. Oh shit. That's extremely good. The end. Oh, shit. That's extremely good. Very good. So roll either persuasion or intimidation with

advantage. With the stankiest of advantages. I'm gonna roll intimidation. Oh, that's a 23. Yeah! Yeah, boy! Alright, so I will have the drum major. Anthony, you have to write a poem.

Anthony, you have to write a poem now. Poem battle. Poem battle. I'm going to roll first so we can see how good the poem has to be. You call that a diss? You smell like piss. This is the most intense podcast I've ever been in. I know.

It's just like typing Beth was Robin Hood and she just shot the arrow through the other arrow okay I'm ready ready the drum major

hears that poem and sees the effect that it has on everyone around you that the members of the black parade are taken aback

and the darkness around their eyes is getting even more smudged as more tears than whatever for i begin to fall down their faces as they are taken aback by just how fucking good that was and the drum major scoffs and he goes girl why are you so stressed you're making me depressed you know that i'm the best better than the rest because my name is razin, and I'm here to say I'm still all y'all's boss in a major way. And you want to follow this chick? Man, you gotta be kidding.

Her rhymes are nothing compared to the rhymes that I'm spitting. And that character name is Razputin from Alexander Rakovchik or Rakovchik? Thank you either way, Alexander, for the name. So yeah, he says all that. That poem was Anthony Burch, though, to be clear. The poem was me. That was an A, B, a ridge. And then he rolled, well, sorry, he rolled first, which is

why I was okay with writing a poem like that. He got a six. So he poses by crossing his... Lincoln's is a bop though. Lincoln. See, he crosses.

He crosses his arms all smug and confident. And the other members of the black parade beat him to death. They tear him limb from limb and he is screaming and they eat his body. They raise their blood soaked jaws from the body formerly known as Rasputin, the drum lead. He got bodied. They all drop to one knee facing Scary Marlowe and they say all hail Scary Marlowe, the new leader of the Black Parade. I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today

I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernernandez is our content producer ashton nicolette is our community

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is coming at you Tuesday, October 18th. We'll see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Bake, steal, and borrow Brave while we can't change

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way when i was a city a young boy take me into my father