Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 23 - Alright

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

The teens pay a visit to the Church of the Doodler.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dun...geonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Dads and Sports. I'm watching the game! Welcome, sports fans, to another episode of Dads and Sports. I'm Eddie, the rock star, rock man. Coming at you live, and that's my co-host, Brock Braxton. It's not just sports here, we also talk about families and how much we love being dads.
Starting point is 00:00:23 Speak for yourself, I fucking hate my wife. Go! That's me, Larry Snapple. I've got a chronic hacking cough. Did not get vaccinated. Hey, it's me, Trip Trigger, the handsome single dad with two beautiful kids. I'm a widower. Baby!
Starting point is 00:00:38 I'm getting on the phone, Trip. Let's get on to the topic of the day. The game between Aaron O'neill's trees and these teens that seem to come out of nowhere you guys catch this you guys catch game last night i thought everyone had a great hustle out there uh really rooting for them to uh save our world from what appears to be like a lot of bad stuff going on and i really like that trick play between scary marlo and wickedly wilson they had a lot of synergy going on there incredible play incredible play what an upset.
Starting point is 00:01:06 You know, look, I was talking to my bookie, Frank. I had money on those kids losing for sure, but they pulled it up. Hey, you're still betting, dude? Yeah. I thought you got that under control, man. It's just like every so often on games that I feel like I
Starting point is 00:01:21 have a good insider. No, man. Let's go to the ads and when we come back, we'll do a little session of dad therapy. How about that? This week's episode is brought to you by Man. man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, this is a D&D podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:12 Not when you say it like that. Wow. Humpa, humpa. Where four teams from our world are sent back to our world to fix our world from the mess that our world caused when our grandparents and maybe kind of like Henry's whole family line fucked up. Anyway. What the fuck? What?
Starting point is 00:02:31 Jesus. Shit. What? Are you kidding me? I'm just saying. Look, I know that Anthony gave me a special piece of paper this episode and you guys didn't get any and I get to open it and you don't,
Starting point is 00:02:39 but don't take it out on me. Spoilers. Well, my name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime loving, stealthy. Boo. That's my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift the anime loving stealthy i'm gonna say boo now for you that's why it's like the gas for scary but taylor's teen fact for this week taylor of course has ordered off of amazon a series of wetting and sharpening stones for the various blades that he keeps at his disposal and like despite watching probably like 30 hours of like how to sharpen your knives youtube videos and his
Starting point is 00:03:20 recommendations is just like knife youtube every time he sharpens or attempts to sharpen his blades they get duller he can't do it he just doesn't know what he's doing wrong but every time he tries to be like time to bring the old katana to the whetstone it just ends up slightly duller than it was it gets it and cuts his hand somehow he has a yeah set of band-aids nearby he tells me hey mom i'm going in the garage to sharpen my blade she's like don't forget to bring some uh neosporin i sympathize we got really nice like kitchen knives from japan we bought whetstones for them it's like actually hey they're getting dull matt you should sharpen them up like they're all worse like every time i do it just they don't
Starting point is 00:04:01 get sharper i'm bad at whetstones hey everybody my name is mat't get sharper. I'm bad at whetstones. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Bad at whetstones. Bad at whetstones. My name is Matthew Arnold again. I play Lincoln Lee. Oh, no. We're on the time loop. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group.
Starting point is 00:04:17 A really quick fact about Lincoln. His entire relationship with Daryl, his grandfather, is just predicated on the fact that they both think it's really funny that football means football and soccer that's the only thing they share in common it's just it's just nothing but jokes like like like like daryl like all right kid ready play some football and he's like of course he pulls up it's like ah not that football grandpa he's like just kidding i got this football psych that football! Oh! It's just that. That's the only thing they share in common. And then they always end up just like either kicking a soccer ball or throwing a football.
Starting point is 00:04:50 That's it. Wow. They also both hate liberals. Anthony! This is my family and Daryl has complicated feelings about the liberals. But Lincoln is Gen Z. One of the few conservatives About the liberals. The Lincoln is Gen Z.
Starting point is 00:05:06 One of the few conservatives in the country. The heir to Ben Shapiro's throne. The Lincoln's not even Gen Z. We just say Gen Z as a generic catch-all word for anyone younger than us because we're old now. I know. I like how anytime somebody says something about millennials, we're all like, millennials are 40 now, but we're just like Gen Z. Everything's Gen Z.
Starting point is 00:05:29 Hey, everyone. I'm Will Kieffus. I play normally Oak Swallows Garcia, mixed up mascot kid trying to make his way in a strange world and find himself.
Starting point is 00:05:36 And aren't we all really? Aren't we all? My fact about normal this week is that before all of this began, like the week before, he decided, you know, like just as a backup plan, the week before he decided you know like this is a backup plan just in case like you know being a cool mascot didn't work out his second step to get everyone to love him would be to set again his book of world records so and he's like you know
Starting point is 00:05:55 what i bet i could chew a piece of bubble gum longer than anybody on the planet so this entire time normals had a piece of Bazooka Joe in his mouth. It's just back there. He's found this one spot to kind of stick it to so he doesn't have to chew it all the time, but it's in there and he kind of chews it whenever he's not talking. He lost one tooth, but he refused to fill it. He just keeps the bubble gum in there.
Starting point is 00:06:17 He had a filling fall out and he's got it in there. He's like, this is my secret. Every day after everyone goes to bed, he takes a picture of it to prove it's still in there and that's why he refused to go to dentists because the dentist will find it this is just gum he's dreading that day because he has a dental checkup coming up and he's like i gotta i'm gonna have to convince the doctors for the book of this book of world records you just said my parents everything's cool okay you got it real quick if you just start flossing two weeks beforehand you you can fool your dentist. I love flossing.
Starting point is 00:06:45 I floss twice a day. I floss a lot, too. I'm just saying that if you're... I floss every day and fortnight. Nice. You know what? That's okay, too. My name is Beth May.
Starting point is 00:06:54 Jen's ears love that joke. Oh, like the dance. Oh, okay. My name is Beth May. I'm going to leave the podcast now. Goodbye. And I play Scary Marlow, the goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Fun fact about Scary. You could really hear the letters in that one. It's spelled that way. Fun fact about Scary is I, Beth May, am still in my injury era, my sprained ankle era, to say it in Taylor Swift terms. I said last episode
Starting point is 00:07:30 that scary had never been hurt playing soccer, which is true. The worst injury she's ever had is slamming her finger in her locker when somebody called her Terry at school. So this is pretty recently.
Starting point is 00:07:46 And it's still a little sticky. It clicks. It clicks. The old finger clicking. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. My dad fact is, or teen fact rather, I guess.
Starting point is 00:07:56 I realized the other day that I accidentally still have all the lyrics to the theme song for the Weird Al Saturday morning kid show on CBS. I still have all that memorized. And I didn for the Weird Al Saturday Morning Kids show on CBS. I still have all that memorized, and I didn't even watch that many episodes of it. Whoa. Give us all a taste. I mean, it's a long song. So this is a story about a guy named Al who lived in a zoo where this hamster piled.
Starting point is 00:08:13 The sanitation workers didn't really approve, so he packed up his accordion and had to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree. And he worked in an antique and justice factory, and he played on the company bowling team. And every single day, a reoccurring dream where he's brain-leading to his own end of a virus algorithm, but it's really not important to the story. The very next year, he met a Dunahawai judge gen sweat a spatula tattooed on her arm on her arm and he didn't keep in touch and he lost her number and he got himself a job at a tater tot farm he spent all his money on split level cave seven miles below the surface of the earth and he could have made some money making dead jelly bean pickle sandwiches for what it's worth then one day i was in the forest trying to get a tanning i heard the torture screaming and the funny little man he was caught
Starting point is 00:08:41 in a bear trap and now set him free and the guy that he rescued was a great fellow's gonna be and it turns out he's big shot producer on tv and he is set in free and the guy that he rescued was a great fellow and it turns out he's a big shot producer on TV and he gave out a contract what do you know that he's got his very own weird show wow
Starting point is 00:08:49 I didn't even know where to have a show I'm sure it was that Anthony or Eminem rap guy so many memories of holding my loved ones that will be lost to the ether
Starting point is 00:08:59 just to make space before the final line goes out that is the only thing you remember on your deathbed. Then it'll be a life well lived. You take a deep breath and for a second you feel a lot of relief to not be underground,
Starting point is 00:09:19 but the freshness of the air is counteracted by the fact that you are once again looking into the horrible underside of the doodler. Oh, man. It's not great. That's too much running. I flop down on the ground and start panting. Grant pulls you into a hug. He's looking at all of you with a great deal of pride.
Starting point is 00:09:33 And he says, that was great. You guys did a great, great job. We do it for you, mister. I don't accept that pride. Nobody give him the sun because he wants to use it to blow up the whole. I'm sorry. I'm really tired. And I brush off the hug i go um
Starting point is 00:09:46 it's not hugging time right now dad that's his personal space please oh no okay okay and he puts his hands behind his back and he stands up and takes one step back and he goes i do want to talk to you about what happened in there though how are you feeling about the tree that you you killed and that we took the sun oh i mean I mean, I don't feel great. I don't know. It's a tree. It's sentient. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:10:08 It's a lot to think about. I'm just happy we're out here alive with like, yeah. Okay. Not feeling great. I'm not. I'm feeling pretty bad. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Good. Good. Great. Good. I mean, it's not good that you feel bad, but I'm glad that you didn't get like, you didn't feel like an adrenaline rush, like anything like that. No, man. He said to back off.
Starting point is 00:10:23 Yeah. Like, give him space. space okay seems like you're doing okay though i mean last time you talked to me you were like oh i should die i hate myself which is like pretty rough and then i saw you again oh well that's a lot of pressure to put on a person i'm being honest i can't i don't my defenses aren't really up my brain's going this way in that way i i feel weird but like i it was nice to see you i do sort of deserve to die that's not a big deal it happens no that's not it happens but you don't deserve to die because you didn't feel good when you killed the guy so hey good for you you're great i think you're having big feelings right now and it's not the time to discuss it i
Starting point is 00:10:59 think we both need to just process what's happened and then we'll have a conversation soon i yeah agree and mr grandstand i'd just like to add that as a warrior on the path of bushido it's often unclear what i'm supposed to feel and i think it's supposed to be nothing all the time grant turns his back to you and continues talking to his son like you didn't even say anything oh oh oh hey you listen yeah really quick while we're here mister this is something you can do i want you to apologize to these three wonderful friends of mine. Because you told me not to hang out with them, and they were dangerous. But you know what?
Starting point is 00:11:31 Right now, they're like, they're my family. No need to apologize. You apologize. I am dangerous. Yeah, I am dangerous. Yeah, we're all dangerous. And I'm your family, and I hug Lincoln. It's all personal space.
Starting point is 00:11:41 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, it's good to ask. No, no, you just ask beforehand. Can I hug you? Yeah, of course. Yeah, bro.
Starting point is 00:11:48 Are we all bro that brother? Yeah. We're like brothers now. You said we're family. We're like brothers. Yeah. Hello, dad.
Starting point is 00:11:54 I shake Grant's hand. He immediately wipes his hand on his shirt. He looks jealous just for a second. Like, like he's calling him dad. Wait, what? no.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Grant says, yeah, no, we all did a great job, and I think we're good to go home now, so let's, uh, if you give me the sign, and then we can head back through the portal, and then we can deal with whatever's happening back there.
Starting point is 00:12:13 I don't think... We're not gonna do that, though, right? No. Keep the sun away from this loser. Yeah, we got some information from another source that said that the Church of the Doodler was an interesting place to go. And maybe we could find out something there that would help us, you know, come up with a less bad plan than the one that you and our dads came up with. And that shouldn't be too hard because your plan sucked.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Okay, do you want me to come with you to the Church of the Doodler? Because we can go together and you can see that there's nothing there because I was there. There's nothing there. Ah, you know where it is. I mean, you do too, right? I think you guys have a map. Just because you have a map doesn't mean you know where it is. It's hand-drawn. You never you know where it is. I mean, you do too, right? I think you guys have a map. Just because you have a map doesn't mean you know where it is. It's hand-drawn.
Starting point is 00:12:47 You never know how accurate it is. Scale, photography. One second, Dad. I need to talk to my bro, my brother here one second. Just give us a second here. He goes, oh, God, you're talking to me when you said Dad. So, Link. What's up?
Starting point is 00:13:00 Do you want to bring Dad along? Your Dad? I feel like I'm rushing into this. But it feels like you still maybe have some stuff to say to him or not. What do you guys think? If anything, he will be good cannon fodder. Look,
Starting point is 00:13:10 I'll be honest. Like I more or less kind of just followed, you know what my dad said, but I'm not really trusting them. So like maybe you three can like, you're like my new, not my new dads, but just like whatever you guys say,
Starting point is 00:13:21 like we're a team. So like, what do you guys, what do you three buddies think we should do yeah who's your daddy it's me scary all right scary's dad number one yeah scary that's right what do you think we should do scary oh shit see natural leader well maybe we could get some more information about like whatever happens with grant around but on the other hand he might try to steal the sun back when we're not hand he might try to steal the sun back
Starting point is 00:13:45 when we're not looking he might try to get under our defenses try to like i don't know be so edgy and cool like oh i'm grant i'm depressed whatever i'm depressed so suck it wait i dared to grant go home marco it's been weeks dad's misses you what are you doing here oh shit he's got you there yeah well we're trying to save the world yes which is why i'm trying to we're all trying to save the world which is why we should just go back now if you want i don't want you to go to the it's just gonna waste time but i'll go with you if there's nothing secret there i don't want you to see it's just boring but dad can not have both of us at least one of us gotta go home that seems like an arbitrary no
Starting point is 00:14:23 i'd be sad if you both die in a car crash i'd be less sad if one of you did i'm not saying i want but like that's a wild thing to say what are you talking about i thought i was losing the high ground as the parent here but you just said that and now i feel like i can say confidently that's a little bit buck wild son right now marco has dad has nobody he doesn't have nobody dad has us in the same way that i had you and we weren't near each other we love each other it's fine but yes we do need to get back as quickly as i can i agree we should all go back now i do a insight check on grant i'm trying to suss out if he knows more about this place the church of the doula than
Starting point is 00:15:01 he's letting on good idea i cast zone cast zone of truth. Yes. Okay. Zone of truth is just something that the family does. They created a little circle and they say, you can only tell the truth in here. Yeah. It's not even a magic spell. It's just something you always agreed that like, no matter how bad it got,
Starting point is 00:15:14 you could zone of truth. What did my role tell me? Let's start there. Sure. Yeah. Ooh, I got a 20. With a 20, you can tell that he is not explicitly hiding anything from you other than
Starting point is 00:15:22 some possible emotional trauma. There are not plot things that he is hiding from you to be nefarious. Yo, how rowdy do you want to get on your dad right now? I feel like he's telling the truth and that there was nothing there, but like, I think there's some there, there,
Starting point is 00:15:35 and that nothing there. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think, I think there's some blood in the water. So it's like, you know, I don't know how real you want to get with him or what all you want to learn
Starting point is 00:15:43 about him right now, but you know, well, we need to go there, right? I'm just going to say, once you knock him off that pedestal, there's no putting him back. I know. This is our dad we're talking about.
Starting point is 00:15:55 I can't lose another father figure, Link. I'll be down three. I get a free one with my punch card. No, in the Wilson Lee family, we're all on the same level. There's no pedestal. But we sit at a round table. Every sequel. The real question is just us as a group.
Starting point is 00:16:12 We need to go to the church, right? Yeah. We got to go to the church. We need to investigate all the leads. You know your dad better than anyone. Can we trust your dad to not screw us over or pull some move or try to steal the sun because he thinks he knows better than us? Should we give him the boot or should we bring him along? Maybe three weeks ago, the answer would be yes, but not now. Here, I got move or try to steal the sun. Cause he thinks he knows better than us. Like should we give him the boot or maybe three weeks ago?
Starting point is 00:16:27 The answer would be yes, but not now here. I got, yeah, here we go. All right. Well then you know, zone of truth grant here's zone of truth,
Starting point is 00:16:33 which is not a spell of the way that your family does. It's just something you agreed upon as a societal thing that you will always tell the truth. One zone of truth. Yeah. The Wilson Lee family. Yeah. The Wilson Lee family.
Starting point is 00:16:42 So he goes, okay. Oh, zone of truth. Zone of truth. And he says, yes. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:44 He puts his hands up and he says ask me whatever you want link it's probably helpful to have you come along to the church with us if that's what you want to do because you know more the better in terms of trying to survive i mean you're here to help us we're not here to help you so if you come along with us are you going to betray us, be mean, do bad things, things that would get you a timeout, anything like that? Everything that I have done has been to try to protect you, and everything I will do will be to try to protect you. That said— That's some lawyer talk, sir. I wasn't finished.
Starting point is 00:17:18 Hey, I'm talking. This is the truth. I'm telling you my truth. This is my truth. Okay. My truth is I may do some things you don't like, but it will all be for the purposes of protecting you when we go. Sounds like your truth sucks balls.
Starting point is 00:17:31 You know what? I'll make a compromise because you talked all about Henry Clay and the, and the power of compromise. I would suggest that I won't betray you. I won't try to get the sun until we're halfway through the Church of the Doodler. So you're telling us when you're going to betray us. I'm telling you when I'm not going to, which is the first half. And I might not in the second half.
Starting point is 00:17:54 I appreciate the honesty. I'm going to talk to my team here for a second and then we'll decide. Okay. All right, guys, you heard it. My dad's definitely going to betray us at some point. I might not. He says in the distance. you heard it my dad's definitely gonna betray us at some point i might not he says in the distance as much as i think that having cannon fodder is going to be helpful for anything that we
Starting point is 00:18:10 might encounter along the way i don't trust anybody over the age of 30 i say we dump his ass yeah okay i think so too okay yeah this is gonna be a little hard so if you guys could just maybe yeah why don't we take this why don't we talk to dad together okay um are you okay normal yeah i'm fine i'm great like i'm great uncle or like any number of things like why he's not i mean why would he be my uncle if we're a family and we're brothers so yeah i know i yeah why'd you talk to him i feel like i gotta i gotta think about some stuff i'm gonna just go sit over here dad and i have always been on kind of a rough patch dad yes son we appreciate your offer of help but the team and i feel that it would be best if you went home spend time with dad and you know help out over there there's some weird stuff going over there and yeah you know what no you said
Starting point is 00:19:03 you betray us i just can't i needed my space not just hug space but like you space and i think you need space because last time you talked to your son you said some rowdy stuff and um you should think about that roll persuasion with advantage because you're in the zone of truth eight plus three eleven so it's an eleven he goes i may not like it i may not agree with, but you said it in the zone of truth. You told me your truth, so I will accept this. Okay, fine. Okay, well, I'm okay for a hug now if you want. You know, it feels fitting.
Starting point is 00:19:33 I would like that. And he goes in for a hug. Okay, I give him a hug. How strong is this hug? It's a good hug. You know what? Actually, you can tell Link that it's weaker than the average. His whole heart's not in it.
Starting point is 00:19:43 He's a little disappointed. My side too. Yeah, just a couple hover hands. tell, Link, that it's weaker than the average. His whole heart's not in it. He's a little disappointed. My side too. Yeah. Just a couple hover hands. Just a weird couple people at a comic con talking to somebody who was in Buffy. Just like light contact. Brief incidental contact. It's like an obligation. It's like
Starting point is 00:19:59 never go to bed angry. He shakes his head and whispers to Scary, that's not a good hug. What would you know about it? Fuck, Scary? God. Okay. You drive back, I assume to the portal?
Starting point is 00:20:15 Yeah, we're going to drop him off. Okay, cool. We're becoming more dad-like every single day. Okay. He points the direction to where the church of the doodler says it is. And he just says, just keep going down this road. And then it's basically, it's going to slowly turn into a hill and get like almost vertical,
Starting point is 00:20:30 but just keep going. And the church will be at the top of the hill and good luck. You'll be fine. There's nothing. I mean, good luck. I love you very much. And he jumps out of the van.
Starting point is 00:20:39 Oh, dad. Yeah. Sorry. He doesn't jump out of the van. Just quick. Yeah. I love you too. Weird question. Do you love yourself doesn't jump out of the van. Just quick. Yeah, I love you too.
Starting point is 00:20:45 Weird question. Do you love yourself? He jumps out of the van. And you lose sight of him. I assume you drive to the church. We're listening to Take Me to Church by Hozier. This song means a lot to me right now. I wish I could go to church.
Starting point is 00:21:09 That's great. Yeah, that's right. Link's a homeschool kid who really loves church. You can draw whatever consequences you wish from that. Okay, so you drive to the Church of the Doodler as described by Grant.
Starting point is 00:21:23 It is down a long, lonely road bathed in darkness. A boulevard of broken dreams, if you will. You only slowly start to realize that you're rising in elevation as the ground gets steeper and steeper beneath you.
Starting point is 00:21:34 But the cat has no problem dealing with that. You find things a little bit harder to breathe because you must be up actually pretty high. And the shape of the doodler is getting closer and closer to you.
Starting point is 00:21:43 And it's having a worse and worse effect on your mental health. It is getting closer and closer to you. And it's having a worse and worse effect on your mental health. It is getting more and more anxiety inducing as you feel the undulating scaly, but slimy, but furry, but indescribable exterior of the doodlers ass.
Starting point is 00:21:56 All right, guys, gear up. We all pull out a fidget cubes. Guys, this is having a really bad effect on my mental health. I just thought y'all should know I'm not doing well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Scary.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Geez. Try fidgeting harder. Take my fidget cube. I can just grit out my anxiety, and I give you my fidget cube, and I just clench my fists and cry my teeth. Yeah, cool. Now mark that you were twice as mentally ill as Scary is. God damn it.
Starting point is 00:22:22 No. No. The idea that scary would be pissed off by that is very good. I've been dethroned. Scary just going, no, while she spins too,
Starting point is 00:22:33 bitch, it spins. The cat comes to a halt outside of what looks to be like an old cathedral whose spire is so tall that it looks to be piercing the flesh of the doodler itself. But the place where the spire meets the doodler's flesh,
Starting point is 00:22:48 you can't focus on it too hard because it makes you nauseous and because it doesn't make sense. It's not close enough to pierce it, but it definitely is. But it's not. But it is. And it's very upsetting. It's like a magic eye. Oh. As you approach the door, you see a plaque on the front of it that is over the closed door that has the symbol and acronym of the Department for the Acquisition, Destruction, Deployment and Investigation of Extra Normal Stuff on it.
Starting point is 00:23:12 And it has a note that says it's closed. Dash Ron. Dash Ron? Oh, guys, we're late. Some guy named Ron closed this place. As you say that, you hear like the sound of buttons clicking behind you. And what looks like a kid in like a soccer tee playing what looks to be like a single player version of Fortnite on a phone walks past you. And he goes, move, son.
Starting point is 00:23:38 And he moves you aside, Link. And he just touches the door and the door opens. And he goes, oh he looks down at his body and realizes that this is your dad grant and he is reversed to the age he was because there's a lot of like extra psychic energy like i mean you see you know right and he points at you look look at yourselves and as you turn to look at each other you see things that do not make sense. When you look at Link, you see a large beer gutted baseball cap wearing stay at home sports dad with a beer. When they look at Scary, they see a mustachioed, no pants having businessman.
Starting point is 00:24:17 Don't look at me. I'm hideous. When they look at Normal, they see a crunchy, munchy granola druid dad. When you look at Taylor, you see a rock and roll bard dad. What about Hermie? When you look at Hermie, you see a creature wearing a fedora who seems slightly non-Euclidean to your eyes. And he goes, yeah, what's going on, everyone? You guys all look old.
Starting point is 00:24:41 As you say that, as you say you guys look old, some of the memories of what's happened in this location begin to seep back into your brain. And you remember being Daryl Wilson, Link Lee Wilson's grandfather. You remember coming here with your friends, Ron and Glenn and Henry, coming here to try to close this place off. All the hope you had that this could be the final stand
Starting point is 00:25:00 where you would defeat the doodler once and for all. You hold those memories in the same brain with which you hold your current identity as young Link Lincoln Lee Wilson, and as all of you do. The memories of your grandparents being in this place hover within the soup of your mind as the doors open and you see the interior of the Church of the Doodler, and you are filled with both the sense that everything is going to be all right, and the sense that, uh, not today. So you see that the others around you have taken on what looked to be the images of your grandparents when they were younger you probably saw your grandparents a little bit when you were on the younger side i've decided that the players will get to determine what happened to their
Starting point is 00:25:55 grandparents i will not decide for you by fiat and to be clear i look like glenn and you look like glenn i mean nobody recognizes the person they're looking at because they don't know who middle-aged man in the room yeah when you say younger do you mean like i'm daryl as like a teen or daryl i'm sorry the age is in the age we ended season one on plus a few years okay like when you saw your granddad your dad looked like a granddad like an old guy so he's like six three now and he's like 140 built he's in a supermodel phase if i remember correctly is what we had talked about sure yeah next to each of you you see spectral forms of figures that reach up about to your chest or maybe a little bit higher that look to be ghostly images of your own dads when they were teens so lark sparrow nick and yeah except for grant grant is corporeal because grant's actually
Starting point is 00:26:44 here yes and the rest of them are like ghosts. Are like golden, shimmery ghosts. When we talk, what do we sound like? When you talk, both voices come out in this moment. Whoa, who are these guys? So Grant hears both Ron and Scary's voice come out of this version of Ron Scary that he's seeing. And he goes, oh, right, there's a problem.
Starting point is 00:27:01 There's a way. Wait, I want to see something too. Yeah, I guess you two sound pretty similar. Yeah, everyone's told me I sound a lot like my Grandpa Henry. Wait, scary, is that you? Are you in there? Yes, loser, it's me. This is going to be really hard to edit with all the crosstalk.
Starting point is 00:27:15 That's why Grant goes like, oh, yeah, we stashed something last time we were here. So he puts his Fortnite phone away and like still slouched over, walks over to a loose brick on the outside of the church and yanks it out. And he pulls out what looks like a thermostat. He goes, okay, this is the time of stat. We built this. Let me see. And he holds it out to you.
Starting point is 00:27:33 Probably me. Probably you. Yeah, his son. His son father. So, yeah. So he hands it to you. He goes, here, son, dad, dad. Sorry, dad, son.
Starting point is 00:27:42 Sorry, son. Yeah. Dad. And he hands it to you and he says, you twist it forward, you'll turn into yourself. You twist it backward, you'll get to access the memories of your grandpa, my dad. And you can sort of switch back and forth
Starting point is 00:27:54 between them as you want. I'm E, and now I'm Daryl. Me. Daryl. Stop, you're freaking me out. It works for everybody as a group oh sorry everybody yeah you see yourselves get really big really small really big really small i turn back to we're all us define us season two us season two okay it's yes there's there's literally
Starting point is 00:28:16 little dials there's one and two on it wait dad where are you dad yeah so when you turn into two grant turns into your adult dad, Grant. He gets bigger. Yeah, he does. He goes, he gets smart. Yeah, it's like- Almost throws up, and the piece of gum falls out of his mouth. No!
Starting point is 00:28:33 I'm saving that! It's still good. There's a fly in it. It's still in my saliva. It's still good. Let it go, man. Let it go. Indiana, let it go.
Starting point is 00:28:42 So Grant says, yeah, sorry, when you tried to drop me off at the, I just snuck back on. I did a roll and I rolled really well and I snuck back onto the pussy wagon. Okay. Well, great. So you start this adventure with a lie. Cool. Yeah. Like nothing we could have done would have prevented you from doing that. That's great. Yeah. I could have rolled worse. Your dad's a real loose cannon. So wait, what does this do? Like why when we turn this, we turn into grandpa?
Starting point is 00:29:03 The church is a lot of really powerful, nascent psychic energy from its connection with the doodler. A cult built this a while ago, and we sort of infiltrated it because they were talking the doodler. It's the foul taint of the warp. Kind of. And basically, you can use the thermostat to try to filter out some of those psychic energies to focus on just what's happening right now or to focus on the things that happened
Starting point is 00:29:21 here long ago. So it's like a little psychic energy tuner. Yeah, basically. You can sort of re-experience, re-remember, relive the events that happened here back when I was a kid as your grandparents. You told us there was nothing here. This is not nothing.
Starting point is 00:29:37 This is basically nothing. I believe I rolled an insight check and I was not told that there was a cool thermostat that would turn me into my grandfather. Only here, though. It's only going to work here. It's not that useful. I consider this nothing. Yeah. I mean, this guy wasn't even my grandpa. This guy's like my step-step grandpa. That's true. How do you feel about that? I don't know. I heard he died. Really? Well, I mean, I guess that happens to everybody. I mean, it's not like someone you
Starting point is 00:30:00 know, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. I'd say I'm sorry, but you've been kind of mean to me lately, so I'm not really feeling like I need to extend a lot of, you know. I think you should be sorry for me. Like, who knows? He could have been a really great guy. By the looks of it, he wasn't, but like he could have been cool, and now I'm really hurting,
Starting point is 00:30:15 so thanks a lot, Norm. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm slowly turning the thermostats into turning into your grandparents as you're talking. I feel like as a note, this sound design should be the THX noise every time you do this, and it goes backwards and forwards depending on which direction and time you're talking. I feel like as a note, this sound design should be the THX noise. And it goes backwards and forwards, depending on which direction and time we're going.
Starting point is 00:30:30 All we know is that there's something in here, maybe that Mr. S, we haven't told you about the guy that, there's something in here that can help us. So let's go check it out. Oh yeah. But first, why?
Starting point is 00:30:43 And I point straight to my dad. Did you come here? You said there's nothing here and you're supposed to go back? Explain to me, sir, what are you doing? Why are you back here? Link, toggle the thing so that you have advantage over him. Yeah, I get tall. I turn into Daryl.
Starting point is 00:30:57 I think the way it works is it doesn't just- Yeah, he gets small. When you do that, he gets small and you get big. Yeah, look who's the big guy now, huh? Does it send us back in time or does it just turn us into, okay. It just turns you into a virgin. Basically, the memories are floating around in the ether like motes of dust in the light. It's like Assassin's Creed.
Starting point is 00:31:13 We're inhabiting the body. But if we get too far from the memories, perhaps it'll go away. Yeah, it'll desynchronize. You have to restart the mission. It's weird that when I get older, I get shorter. I feel like such a loser. Ew. And you also, yeah, you have access to the personalities
Starting point is 00:31:27 and memories of your grandparents when you were in grandparents. Son or dad, there's too much actual love and happiness for you in this body. So I'm going to turn back to me because I'm still angry at you. Wait, no, no, no, I was talking so cool. Okay, as you turn back, normal in Henry's body realizes that Henry was chewing a piece of gum on this adventure.
Starting point is 00:31:46 And as he turns back, he spits it out of his mouth and then, as Normal, catches it and puts it in his mouth. He's like, I've been chewing this piece of gum for 30 years. You already won. Yeah, you win, man. So why are you here? Grant goes like, why am I here? A, to protect you, obviously. And then, I mean, to, you know, get the son back.
Starting point is 00:32:06 What? He said to get the son back. We heard it. Okay, well, then why'd you ask what? Okay, well. Well, maybe he meant like son like you. Like, oh my God. And to get you back.
Starting point is 00:32:15 I'm like doing the dumb thoughts that this guy had. I'm saying all the dumb things that come to my mind. Son, son. I feel like I'm two people at once and my memories are merging and i'm so cool i'm so cool yeah whoa grant says like yeah i mean if you want to find there's a nexus point where you can feel the doodlers thoughts they basically built the church around that point it's it's like a little throne in the center of the church you can go see that you can see there's nothing here and then we can bounce what happens when you sit on it when you sit on it you can sort of see into
Starting point is 00:32:44 the doodlers mind for a second and it hurts a lot and it can drive you crazy last time i was here i mean well you'll see when we go in so i can show you rather than tell you but i forgot great worked as a video game writer and new good environmental story sounds like some environmental story yeah you might find some audio logs inside um i mean if you want to go in you can go in i'll come with you or i can wait in the car whatever you want yeah why why because the cult of the dude that was not a lot of cool people. Somebody might have found a way to get back in, or there could be dangerous things in here. Like, I thought you might need help.
Starting point is 00:33:11 Hey, teen huddle. Yeah, all right. What's up? Yeah, we'll do a teen huddle. Teen huddle. I don't really trust my dad right now. Like, should we just send him back? I mean, he's the only one who knows really what's going on which is probably a argument to
Starting point is 00:33:25 keep him around but we need to believe what he's saying but we're always back there and like the other dads are there and he's gonna try to take the son and like i've got an idea all right hear me out so for one i do think he's not trustworthy but sometimes it's better to keep an eye on someone you don't trust then to keep your enemies close and your friend i don't remember yeah keep an eye on him for one and then here's's what I think. I think we tell him we're going to leave the sun back at the cat bus. But really,
Starting point is 00:33:48 we bring the sun with us in my backpack. And that way, if he runs away to go steal the sun, we'll still have it. Okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:55 He's pretty smart. I think he's going to know we have the sun, but we can try to. Well, what do you think? I was just thinking we should just kick
Starting point is 00:34:02 his stupid mean butt back home. Wait, wait, wait. I happen to have a certain companionship with our feline mode of transport. What if we have the cat hold him under its paw the whole time? Oh. Like a mouse.
Starting point is 00:34:16 Okay. Yeah. Sure. That's true, because if we let him go, like, then he's probably just going to sneak back. We know we can't trust him to go leave if we tell him to go leave, and I'm not going to go all the way back to drop him off myself. That said, he might have like context about whatever we see in there. Not that I believe him or anything. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:32 Okay. We'll do this. Dad. Okay. So here's what's going to happen. After this conversation, this is going to be the last time I talk to you for a bit. Whoa. Well, yeah, you didn't respect my space.
Starting point is 00:34:43 I said you needed to go home and we need space, but it seems like practically it's useful to have you here. And I'm part of a team now. That's right. A different team, a different family, you might say that respects each other and listens to each other and follows the rules. Is that what you do? Yeah. Yeah. We were. Hey, okay. Sorry. I didn't mean, I didn't think I would say that out loud. Sorry. I didn't mean to some of my nascent teenage self coming through there. So you're going to come along with us. I'm only going to talk to you through normal. Okay, great.
Starting point is 00:35:09 Yeah. And I can talk to my dad. Your dad. I get to talk to a dad. Good luck with that. And yeah, I hope you respect my space because you haven't recently. Not now. You're not going to get the sun.
Starting point is 00:35:19 And if you try to get the sun, I mean, we don't believe in timeout in our family, but you're going to be in trouble. Dad, your son, me, Link, said all that stuff that link just said okay and uh you know maybe you should tell link that you're proud of him maybe he'd like to hear that uh length uh i am well sorry a normal could you tell link your brother that i am proud of him link uh grant said to me i am proud of you okay well, Grant said to me, I am proud of you. Okay, well, I want you to tell dad. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:35:49 I know, I know, this is annoying. Just tell dad, one, of course I know he's proud of me. It's not like a single fight changes that. Two, stop using positive reinforcement to like try to change the topic. And then also tell him not to indulge you in your fantasy of being his actual son. I look at Grant and say thanks dad
Starting point is 00:36:05 where we're going do you think we should we all like look like big old mean adults well i look taller when i'm like this okay but i guess i feel like i don't know there's something about me that felt like a strong businessman or something like the other i say we roll in like this we come in fresh if we need the wisdom of our ancestors we can switch over that's true we always like use like a like a cool like we go into one room and come out as adults like whoa what happened to them like yeah i'm just saying like we we keep our tricks up our sleeves. Ah, you're saying that we have a multiple identity if we need, yes, a do-over possibility as older people. That's true. That's true.
Starting point is 00:36:51 We could essentially buy a lottery ticket twice. We double it. You're right. Holy shit. Is there a place we can buy a lottery ticket? Let's go. All right. I walk towards the dungeon.
Starting point is 00:37:01 I walk towards the tower. Okay. So you open the door to the Church of the Doododler and we all look like Aragorn doing it. Yeah. All of you line up side by side next to the door and try to do the Aragorn push, which doesn't work because some of you are going to be on the edges. So you can't like put your arms out that far. Let's all do it one by one. One at a time.
Starting point is 00:37:18 Yeah. Okay. So one by one, you Aragorn push open the door. Yes. Roll performance. Yeah. If you want to roll performance, see how good it looks when you Aragorn that's a 12 pretty middling not
Starting point is 00:37:27 bad I got an eight not great I got a seven even worse the worst one yet scary gets her pinky caught in the door I got a 19 the spitting image of Viggo the spitting
Starting point is 00:37:43 I'm so tall that the other three are stumbling underneath my wingspan as I do it. Yeah, the camera pans down. Yeah, it turns out you got a little help. Yeah, you look like Gandalf of the Hobbits. So when you enter the church, immediately you get dizzy
Starting point is 00:37:57 because the ceiling is way too fucking high for how big the church is. Oh, if I had a ceiling tall enough for this guy. You cannot see the terminal point of the ceiling. And the inside is much like a church
Starting point is 00:38:11 that you might have experienced, you know, in your childhood if any of you went to church which I kind of doubt. They had to exercise me. Yeah. Whoa, really?
Starting point is 00:38:17 I was so badass as a child. No, I'm lying. Did you vomit pee soup on? I wish. You could still do that. It's just like a church except there are black sort of tendrils, slimy tendrils coming down from the very top that sort of slowly seem to be snaking down and dripping viscous fluid onto the ground. Just like the Bible says.
Starting point is 00:38:35 I don't know. I've never read it. As you continue through the foyer of the church. We'll get our tentacles. We know what they mean in anime. You see some corpses littering the ground. Well, careful with tentacles. We know what they mean in anime. You see some corpses littering the ground. Oh, God. Some basically people in robes,
Starting point is 00:38:48 some gray robes with wild looks in their eyes. Taylor's gonna poke one of these with his finger. All right, go ahead and give me a perception or investigation or... Poke.
Starting point is 00:39:00 19 plus five, 24. So you can tell these corpses have been here for at least 20 years if not more Taylor like leans over and like just and he turns to
Starting point is 00:39:09 the group and he's like these corpses have been here for at least 20 years or more this is one of the skills I've developed
Starting point is 00:39:14 is I can smell corpses until the time of death I've been training this as a child ever since well as a child and then I find
Starting point is 00:39:22 dead things and I smell them and I can tell how old they are wow metal hey normal can you ask my dad if maybe if we turned the dial if we would see how these people died or something like is that how this thing works hey uh grant i mean dad if we turn the dial will that mean that we can see how people died is that how this works i said that right right yeah that's good cool yeah let me know what he says okay link yes yes that's how it will work we'll
Starting point is 00:39:45 zoom back just walk here and yes that's how it'll work we'll tell that we can zoom back and here here just watch it and he leans over and just nope nope it's in my pocket uh excuse me okay tell him tell my dad to keep his hands where i can see them but not reaching towards me because i saw that but i don't just don't touch me tell link says keep your hands where you can see them, but not reaching towards me, because I saw that, but just don't touch me. Link says keep your hands where he can see them. Okay, no, I heard him. It's okay. Okay, everybody get ready.
Starting point is 00:40:13 You want to see what happened to these fools? Sure. Okay. I'm like slowly turning the dial. All right, and you feel your body slowly morphing, and you see spectral versions of the corpses on the ground. The corpses on the ground in front of you are corporealal and you see these golden shimmering sort of spectral memory versions of them sort of almost like reversing up from death like you're scrubbing through a video timeline one of the cultists on the ground because again you're going from reverse sort of
Starting point is 00:40:36 leaps onto your back and is trying to choke you from behind link daryl ah i stop it is it frozen in midair have you like finished no. I'm like halfway through. Once he jumped on me, I just like paused. Okay. So yeah, you pause it and then yeah, you,
Starting point is 00:40:49 you, you sort of reach at it, but your hand goes through nothing because this is the memory of it. So you're freaky. Yeah. It's not real, man. Okay.
Starting point is 00:40:55 Well, yeah, you didn't get jumped at. I have memories of this ride where there's ghosts, but they're not really ghosts. And you get on like a doom buggy. Yeah. It's like one of those. Is it real? Yeah. One could follow us home. where there's ghosts, but they're not really ghosts. And you get on like a doom buggy. Yeah, it's like one of those.
Starting point is 00:41:07 Is it real? One could follow us home. I keep turning it. You keep turning it. You see one of the cultists gets back up and is facing away from Ron Scary, not seeming to realize that Ron Scary is there. You see another one stand up and Vines basically come up from the ground
Starting point is 00:41:22 and start attacking it and constricting it in place while you see normal Henry extend his arm towards them. You basically see the middle of a fight in reverse motion. And when you complete your turn all the way to the one on the thermostat for season one, in that moment, you remember being in this fight as Daryl and Glenn and Ron and Henry. You remember being in this fight as Daryl and Glenn and Ron and Henry. You remember these cultists attacking you as you tried to peacefully negotiate with them to get through and the fight that ensued. You can just describe what you did. You don't have to roll for you. Just describe it.
Starting point is 00:41:57 Henry turns to Daryl and says, Daryl, you had to just go in swinging again, huh? You just had to get in there. You know, I had him on the ropes. I was going to tell them, you know, that we should all get along. I had some great Deepak Chopra quotes ready to go. Daryl just tosses his second axe to Henry and just ignores him and just keeps swinging. He's like, hey, not now, buddy. We can talk about the way that this should have happened when we're done with this. I hear you. Feedback appreciated, but now's not the time. All right. I'm swinging. You cleave through one of the cultists with ease. One jumps onto your back. Henry, watch out! And he's about to get killed.
Starting point is 00:42:26 And Daryl saves Henry's life. And they're like, an axe over his head. Hey, buddy, we can do an argument next time. Whoa, Glenn! And another guy's about to kill Glenn. And Daryl goes, another axe! And goes over Glenn's head. And gets him. And I look at
Starting point is 00:42:41 Ron, dead in the eye, and go, Ron, Voltron team up? Sure. And then Ron, watch out for that cliff! And Ron stumbles and I reach my hand out and I grab Ron. And then you throw Ron onto my shoulder. Nobody except for Matt has to roll to describe what you do.
Starting point is 00:42:59 Ron jumps on my shoulders and we form essentially this part in RRR where they're all standing on each other's shoulders and we're doing all of that like i'm leaning back and swinging ron around and ron's like we flinging business cards like ninja stars and then uh henry just smiles and he's like my boys henry negotiation there's also me that's halfway and i cut a guy in half so you see a line up against the wall. Also, you see your kids, Grant and Lark and Sparrow.
Starting point is 00:43:28 I turn the bleeding battle axe. And on one side of the battle axe is a picture of Carol and Grant. And I go, I'll be back soon. Well, no, they're against the wall. They're with you there physically. I turn around and be like, I'll be back soon. I know. And you turn to Grant and Grant is strangling one of the cultists.
Starting point is 00:43:44 He goes, yeah, I know, Dad. I've got it handled. You don't have to say you'll be back.. I know. And you turn to Grant and Grant is strangling one of the cultists. He goes, yeah, I know, Dad. I've got it handled. You don't have to say you'll be back. I'm watching you. And the fucking cultist's eyes are bugging out and Grant just completely
Starting point is 00:43:50 heartlessly just fucking closing his windpipe. And then Glenn looks over and calls out to Grant. It's like, I taught him everything he knows. And then Ron shouts, I taught him everything he knows.
Starting point is 00:44:01 And Terry shouts out, I taught him everything he knows. You sure did, kiddo. Love you so much. I'm emotionally available now. And while cleaving through three cultists simultaneously, I go, I love that you three friends helped teach my son everything
Starting point is 00:44:17 he knows. I appreciate you guys. That's right. It takes a village. It takes a village, Daryl, to raise a family. And let's get back to killing this village. And let's get back to killing this whole village together. This is literally my worst nightmare. That we would spend a half a second with these dads and be like, whoops, season one was way better.
Starting point is 00:44:34 Oh, no. They've also turned into killers. You successfully kill all the- I thirst for blood. You successfully kill all the cultists. Your kid's a little bit older than when the doodler was first revealed on earth i used sneak attack i used it now you got the extra damage die you fucking slid a cultist throat with ease did so much damage to him he died
Starting point is 00:44:57 terry's like great job ron thanks buddy love you so much i'm'm emotionally available now. Yeah, you can stop saying that. You say it all the time. Well, it's kind of like his catchphrase, you know? It's a weird catchphrase. Hey, you don't get to pick your catchphrases. You really do. Glenn, that'd be a great catchphrase for you. It is my catchphrase, actually. I'm trying to work on one where I'm just like, nice.
Starting point is 00:45:19 Glenn points to a shirt on his back and it's a quote. It says, you don't get to pick your catchphrases underneath Glenn clothes. Daryl goes, good parenting, Ron. And he tosses you a brew that is ron and daryl's brewery that they started together it's called the sneak attack ipa i go this one's for you the sneaky goliath six pounds of hops the only beer you can chew. This is an IPA, an interesting person award.
Starting point is 00:45:53 Idiots. Wait, what happens to Hermie? Anthony's playing with the Hermie figurine, and it's reminded me that Hermie's in this with us. You don't see Hermie. You see what looks to be a slightly non-Euclidean form that's wearing a fedora with pointy ears. And it's going, whoa,
Starting point is 00:46:05 you guys got real violent real quick, didn't you? That's my boys. I love my boys. Say, how's my boyfriend doing? Have you called him recently,
Starting point is 00:46:14 Glenn? My boyfriend, your brother? What? And your phone rings and you look at your phone, Glenn, and it says,
Starting point is 00:46:21 king of hell. It's got a picture of your brother, Jody. Oh, I'm sorry, guys, I gotta take this. Jody is Satan now.'m sorry, guys. I've got to take this.
Starting point is 00:46:25 Jody's Satan now. Jody runs hell. And he's dating. And he's dating scam-like. And Hermie's their offspring. Hermie's their son, yeah. Holy shit, so much canon being established right now. And I pick up the phone and I go, this is David Jones answering for Glenn Close.
Starting point is 00:46:42 Jody goes, hey, what's up, idiot? Please hold for Glenn. Yeah, I know it's you, Glenn. Hey, hey, what's up, idiot? Please hold for Glenn. Yeah, I know it's you, Glenn. Hey, hey, what's up, man? That was my assistant. Oh, right, your assistant. Yeah, ha ha, impersonation. Oh, look at you, Bards.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Look at you go. Look, have you gotten to the center of the cult yet? Did you figure out what the doodler wants? More importantly, how can we kill it? Glenn's doing that thing in like a Zorro movie where it's like the person's swinging a sword and he's like dodging each one. It's like, ah, we're kind of in the busy, uh, fighting off some of the cultists right now.
Starting point is 00:47:07 What? Okay, fine. Well, look, just call me back when you're done killing those cultists, okay? You know what? Actually, I'll call you back because if you do kill them, they're just going to pop up here anyway. All dead and shit. Oh, and do me a favor. Tell Scam actually that I love him.
Starting point is 00:47:20 You hear that, Scam? Hey, Glenn. Wait, is that Ron? Ask Jody if he still wants to go in on our business ACAB beer All cops are beer Knowing Jimmy Jody would probably be like
Starting point is 00:47:32 I don't fully believe that all cops are bad I'm a highway patrolman It's somehow slightly different Somehow I guess Okay so yeah You dispatch the cultists I turn it back Okay so you immediately
Starting point is 00:47:44 Your bodies morph again. Your dad gets bigger. You get bigger also because you're so tall. And immediately the corpses go back and your memories are back to just being yours and not that of your grandparents. Well, our grandads were cool as fuck. Yeah, that was a lot of violence.
Starting point is 00:47:57 I don't know. They did all this. Grant's like, yeah, they had a much clearer sort of goal. Their archetypes were a lot more clearly defined. Yeah, they seem to like know themselves in a way that I never will. They felt like really one-dimensional, just kind of swinging things around and killing people.
Starting point is 00:48:11 Yeah, people seemed to like that, though. They had a lot of friends. The way is pretty much open to the throne of the doodler. So what were you guys trying to do here? Like, what were you attacking? We knew that these cultists had found a way to communicate with the doodler, and we thought that if we could sort of get inside the doodler's head, we could find out a way to kill it or what it wanted and a way to get rid of it.
Starting point is 00:48:30 And did you? Well, you could see what happened if you want to zip back. Because you're not going to believe me because my own son thinks that I lied. Well, I mean, I did lie to you a couple times. You all ready to go in again? Let's go in. Yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:48:43 You zoom back. There's a closed door that you open after killing the cultist. So now that door is actually open in both timelines. In current timeline, season two timeline, you see a baby. Not unlike the baby that you initially met slash fought slash ran away from when you first got inducted into Daddy's. It is standing there with upright adult posture, its hands behind its back, just waiting. Other than the fact that it's wearing a diaper
Starting point is 00:49:08 and a mask covering its face, it seems to just be waiting patiently for you. Hello, hey, hey, little guy. It's just a baby. Like the T-1000 starts sprinting towards you, its meaty, wet, baby, disgusting feet flopping and hitting the ground. Whoa, whoa, whoa, close the door, close the door, close the door.
Starting point is 00:49:23 Normal narrows his eyes and says, we meet again, old friend. And I charge straight at it. All right, so it leaps onto you, and it opens its mouth, and you see that the mask is like a Batman cowl where its mouth is still exposed. So it opens its mouth,
Starting point is 00:49:42 its bright, shining, glittering teeth, and it goes, and it leans in, and it bites you on the chest as if it's gonna nurse and you feel its teeth rip through your flesh. And then you hear a suckling noise. Oh yeah, I wanna see what happens to the baby if I turn it. You turn the timeostat
Starting point is 00:49:57 and you go back to looking like your grandparents. And you see that back when they came in here, they were also fighting this same baby. Except this version of the baby is not wearing a mask. And it, just like what happened in the present tense, it attacked and leapt onto Henry and started clawing at Henry and biting at his chest. Oh, that didn't help.
Starting point is 00:50:15 I always told Mercedes-O Garcia I wish that I could breastfeed our children like she did, but this is much more painful than I thought it would be. Ow, ow, ow. I turn it back to so there were teens again. And then I want to charge and kick the baby off of. Okay. Give me an athletics or an attack roll or whatever you like.
Starting point is 00:50:30 Kick it in its baby back ribs. That's great. What's incredible is that, Matt, you can choose. If you want to do like foot-based attacks, you should be young version. And if you want like throwing football-based attacks, you just switch around. Well, either. You're sort of an army of two. Damn.
Starting point is 00:50:44 Solo army of two. That. Solo army of two. That's not funny. Will. Will. Incredible. It doesn't matter which sort of attack I was doing because I rolled a one. Okay. Wait, go back in time and re-roll the attack.
Starting point is 00:50:56 So you just kick normal in the face really fucking hard with your cleats. Oh, God. Ow. Why would you do that? Yes, please. One damage. Okay. So it didn't hurt that much, but you definitely take some fucking...
Starting point is 00:51:06 It hurt emotionally. Some skin off his... Yeah, he feels like you were brothers, and then you immediately turned on him and kicked him in the fucking face. So this is what it's like when brother fights against brother. Scary, help!
Starting point is 00:51:14 Maybe I'll have some cooler weapons as the other dude. I toss it to you. All right, this seems like a good idea. I'll give this to Beth to control. To Beth? To Scary, I toss you the you. All right. This seems like a good idea. I'll give this to Beth to control. To Beth? Me too. To Scary.
Starting point is 00:51:28 I toss you the time of stat. I go zoop back to Ron. Oh, that's great there. I have my intense fish-o-rama fishing reel that can grab people and pull them away from things. So I'm just going to cast that. Get it? Yeah. Okay. And then I'm going to roll. Yeah. Give just going to cast that. Get it? Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:51:46 And then I'm going to roll. Yeah, give me a roll for that. No, I'm rolling on the ground as Ron. In a very cool way. I got a 15. Okay, so the 15, you hook your fishing rod into the back of the diaper of the baby,
Starting point is 00:52:02 kind of like a Coppertone girl. You're the dog. And you pull the baby away, and it's still got its teeth hooked into Henry's chest, and it stretches a little bit. Its teeth are fucking holding on tight. Finally, I know the pain of motherhood. The baby's just getting fucking pulled back in.
Starting point is 00:52:16 It rips off, and some of the fucking chest flesh comes with it. Sorry, Henry. But it is separated, and now it's running towards you and chasing towards you. Normal vividly remembers that one time when he was at the pool with Grandpa Henry and he asked Grandpa Henry why he only had one nipple. And then like Grandpa Henry just went real dark for a second and then just like shook his head and changed the subject. It's like the rap kids. Wait, wouldn't the baby be dangling from the like a fish?
Starting point is 00:52:39 Well, I mean, it's pretty heavy. Are you holding it? Ron, reel it in. Wow, this one's a fighter. Are you holding it? I'll roll to hold it. This one's a fighter. You got a big one. I'm gonna wrap my hands around Ron's arms and help reel it in. Just like old times. Thanks, Glenn. Okay.
Starting point is 00:52:54 Go ahead and roll something. Animal handling. Can I roll it as Glenn, though, on my character sheet? Sure. Is the animal handling Ron? Are you handling Ron or are you handling the baby? The baby. I got a natural 20, so it doesn't really matter. So you get to describe what happens. I reel handling the baby? The baby. I got a natural 20, so it doesn't really matter. So you get to describe what happens. I reel in the baby and the baby is chomping.
Starting point is 00:53:10 And then I take a fishing photo with it because I also have a camera. The four dads with beers and there's like lawn chairs out. You got the big fish. Yeah. Okay, great. So yeah, it seems to be for the moment suspended and the fishing rod can't do anything. And Grant, after finishing off the cultist, he comes up and he's like looking at the baby
Starting point is 00:53:29 dangling from the fishing rod. He's like, we did something to like stun it for a while that like calmed it down for a bit so we could do some other. I'm trying to remember what it was. What did we do? Oh, I know what you do to fish. You just slap them against a rock.
Starting point is 00:53:40 Oh, I forgot it's a baby, not a fish. Same physics probably apply. You still slap them against a rock. Well, Grant, buddy, what did we do? I'm trying to remember. So it's a baby, not a fish. Same physics probably apply. You still slap the fish. Well, granddaddy, what did we do? I'm trying to remember. So it's wearing a mask in the future over just the top half of its face. What did we do?
Starting point is 00:53:53 I can't remember. I don't know. This is just like in God of War II when your son gives you hints to do the puzzle. No, in God of War II, they'd be like, hey, you should do this thing. Father, what if you got a different angle on the torch? And you're like,
Starting point is 00:54:03 I haven't even started solving the puzzle yet. I wrote most of it. And people are like, we hate these. I'm like, yeah, no, that's fair. Well, I know one way to calm a baby down when it's hungry is to stick your finger in its mouth so it can suckle on it. I'm speaking as a father now. I know that there's certain things you do to calm a baby down.
Starting point is 00:54:19 What if we sprayed it with poison? What if I sprayed the child with poison? Glad no. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures, even if it's that vicious. Hold on, hold on. Daryl, what if we sprayed the baby with poison? Just hand it over here. Daryl dips his finger in the six-pound IPA and
Starting point is 00:54:35 then puts his finger in the mouth, just like a little bit of alcohol on a baby. It bites your finger off. Well, I should have seen that one coming. With a horrible crunch, the baby just has it in its mouth now like a stogie. It's like a fucking baby Huey from Roger Rabbit. Daryl just grimaces like, all right, buddy. Yeah, that's right.
Starting point is 00:54:56 You just suck on that pacifier there. Why don't you? And then I start rocking. I go, rock. Goodbye, baby. It's still feral, still clawing at you, still pissed off. Got my finger stump. Goodbye, baby.
Starting point is 00:55:03 It's still feral, still clawing at you, still pissed off. Got my finger stump. Hey, Daryl, you want to cauterize that wound on my body? Because I'm red hot. If you could cauterize it, that'd be great. And I hold my hand out. Oh, I have nothing for you. Henry gives a rueful sigh and casts a healing spell to grow your finger back.
Starting point is 00:55:20 I have regenerate. Yeah, okay, yeah. So your finger comes back. I should have used this on Walter's legs. I don't ever know why I never did. Is this a puzzle, Anthony? It's a little combat puzzle. Yeah, proposal. When he asked him for the wound to be cauterized, I have fireball. I could just cast it and then
Starting point is 00:55:34 splash damage the baby accidentally. Okay, if you want to. That's not solving Walter's girl to kill the baby? Well, the puzzle is the baby has a mask on, so we did something to the face of the baby. You think we disfigured the baby? That's where my mind went. That's what I thought. That's a wild solution to the puzzle. Wait, wait. Just so you
Starting point is 00:55:49 think though, you thought Anthony designed this where the solution to the puzzle was we disfigure a baby's face? And it's so ashamed that it puts a mask on. It's so ashamed that it wears a mask in the future. I get it. I've got it. They want us to play peekaboo with the baby. So we put the mask on the baby and we're like, where's the baby go? Where'd the baby go? I love it. I've got it. They want us to play peekaboo with the baby. So we put the mask on the baby.
Starting point is 00:56:06 We're like, where's the baby go? Where'd the baby go? I love it. And I grab the thermostat and I crunch it back to the future. Where's the baby? Is it still? It's dangling in the air for a second off of a fishing rod from the past. But then once you go to the future, the fishing rod disappears.
Starting point is 00:56:19 It drops down on the ground and then starts crawling up. Scary's body. We need to make a mask in the future, Henry. Uh, uh, turn it back, turn it back. Scary, grab the mask. Okay, so do I roll to grab the mask?
Starting point is 00:56:30 Yeah, give me a slight of hand. Ooh, 70. I'm rolling so well today. You really are. So you snatch with Ron-like reflexes the mask from the baby's face. Is it disfigured?
Starting point is 00:56:40 Is it horribly burned? Yeah, it looks like a Phantom of the Opera. No. No? It looks like a normal baby, but it like a Phantom of the Opera. No. It looks like a normal baby, but it has a name of butt. Wait, his face is a butt?
Starting point is 00:56:51 No, his face is not a butt. Its nose has two big bruises around either nostril. I just started punching the nose of the baby. Pretend to take its nose, Ron. What are you doing, Ron? Don't punch the baby. This is scary right now. I'm jumping to the baby. Pretend to take its nose. Ron, what are you doing? Ron, don't punch the baby. This is scary right now. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm jumping to the future. Well, you got the mask. Get his nose. I slam the thing back to the past.
Starting point is 00:57:12 Oh, I got your nose and I'm going to get it in an aggressive way, even though I'm saying it like this. Ron, put that nose back, man. No, I got it. I got the nose and I do the thing with my fingers where it looks like I got it. Well, you're holding the mask, so you still have to reach forward and take the baby's nose from it. Okay. To convince it you took its nose. But his mouth is chewing on my finger. Yes, his mouth is chewing on your finger. Actually, you don't have to roll for that, yes.
Starting point is 00:57:34 And it's slightly sleepy because he's drinking a really strong IPA. It's like 20 ABV. Yes. Talking like your oatmeal. Yeah, like your oatmeal. And then Glenn casts Programmed Illusion, which is a spell that makes an illusion just happen. That's a spell. So you create an illusion of an object,
Starting point is 00:57:49 and yeah, it's the nose. It looks like the nose. I have a little sleight of hand. So yeah, you reach out, you do the got your nose, and the second you do that, the baby looks at you. Its face goes white, and it looks at you in terror. It goes, uh, uh, and it starts clawing at its own face. And it feels the nose, because the nose is still there,
Starting point is 00:58:04 but it's like, uh, uh, uh, and it's reaching out to you, and it feels the nose, because the nose is still there, but it's like, and it's reaching out to you, and it just goes, and I'm not going to give it back, and it goes, and it just freezes in shock and just sort of stays that way, just frozen in fear, and you feel in the past that that was exactly what you needed to do to get
Starting point is 00:58:20 past the baby, and you stunned it, and it was not willing to do anything to you so long as you held its nose hostage. Damn. Alright, well just put that in your pocket and maybe we'll give it back to you, little guy, when we're done. Put this nose in my pocket. It steps forward and is like, Oh, this hits
Starting point is 00:58:36 different as a dad. Okay, so yeah, you've solved that in the past, at the very least. Oh, we gotta do this in the future. Oh yeah. Wait, no, I don't know that. I don't know anything about the future. Wow did it good job everyone all right so with the baby sitting there unable to move while you have its nose the path forward to the throne of the doula that they built is open did you say something by the way that the other kids are here yes your kids are here okay and it's like that's just like memories of them or what is it yes it is spectral
Starting point is 00:59:01 memories of them they were here except for grants None of them is here corporeally. Okay. But the memories that when you did this, you were doing it with your kids. You can see actually outside the open door that you just came through. The Odyssey is there and it's just full of
Starting point is 00:59:15 what seems to be monster hunting weapons and X-Files ass like, you know, devices for finding weird shit. It looks to be like the origin of daddies was probably in the back of the Honda Odyssey.
Starting point is 00:59:27 You built this out of your, out of your garage. I'd like to volunteer detail. And when you look, it looks like it's moving. Like the wheels are spinning, but in fact, it's because it has 20 inch spinner ribs that are continuing to go.
Starting point is 00:59:41 So it has the illusion of movement at all times. Very cool. Great. That definitely got you out of a couple of scrapes where some people rolled are continuing to go so it has the illusion of movement at all times very cool great that definitely got you out of a couple scrapes where some people rolled some bad perception checks about how to aim their shots they're like how much do we lead it but look at the wheels look at how fast the wheels are going hey grandpas you want to go uh move on i guess see what's behind this door so behind the baby now that the baby has been dealt with there is just two very big large wooden doors that you can, once again, if you wish to, air a corner open.
Starting point is 01:00:07 But this time we're the dads. Yes, currently you're the dads. Yeah, Daryl, we should definitely keep going. But before we do, and then Normal kind of shakes off Henry and cranks the thermostat up back to season two and turns to Hermes and says, Hermes, how are you? What?
Starting point is 01:00:22 What's going on? Are you? Did you? I don't even know. You're like a what? He just has two dads, man. Like, how are you? What? What's going on? Are you? Did you? I don't even know what you're looking at. What? He just has two dads, man. Like, why are you weird about that? Yeah. No, Hermes is actually looking at you, even despite his Joker makeup, more pale than usual.
Starting point is 01:00:38 And he goes, but I'm not I don't know who any of these people are. Am I adopted? I can't be adopted. Talk to me, Herm. Oh, my God. My parents. The ultimate performance was the one my parents have done my whole life, telling me that they were my biological parents.
Starting point is 01:00:51 Who am I? Who is Hermie? So you've never seen that guy, that weird hell guy, or the weird fedora guy in your life? You don't know who either of them are? No, I've met my grandparents, and it's not these people, so I have no idea. It's almost like I feel like I got scammed.
Starting point is 01:01:08 Man, that sucks. I was so ready to be all Poison Ivy sexy and stuff, and then this happened, and now I don't even know which way. You can still be Poison Ivy sexy if you want to. It touches you on the nose. He goes, I know I can. Whoever happened back then, man, it doesn't change the way your life has been so far. And what happened to you in the past.
Starting point is 01:01:25 And just because your parents are total losers doesn't mean that you can't be the coolest person ever. Yeah, also join the club. I mean, I know that you can't. You think I'm the coolest person ever? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You call me the coolest person. He flips a coin and he goes,
Starting point is 01:01:39 you just got on my good side. You want to know how I got this confidence? No. Girl compliment me once. You know what know how I got this confidence? No. Girl complimented me once. You know what we're going to do, Hermie? We're going to put this in mystery, this adventure.
Starting point is 01:01:50 This is going on the list, too. This is going to be like a side adventure that we try to solve while we're solving the main adventure, okay? So we're going to figure out what the deal is here.
Starting point is 01:01:57 Okay. All right. I mean, I'll deal with it myself. I'm going to go internal now. I'm going to do the Stanislavski method. I'm going to... No.
Starting point is 01:02:03 No. Hermie, you need to embrace this. You don't need to be the Joker or Po gonna no no you need to embrace this you don't need to be the joker or poison ivy or two-face you don't need to be any of those characters you can just be you it's okay i also got hit with a cone of cold so i'm kind of mr freeze okay well that's you don't need to be any just like you know you can just be yourself who is harmy who is you see what you said hit him like a physical wave who is her me and he's just who's her me who's her me and he looks down and keeps just muttering it to himself who's her me who's her me he's not really there you can be mr freeze if that's gonna get us through this
Starting point is 01:02:30 that's cool too it's going to be a cold night all confidence comes back to him let's just go through this door here hey dad before we open this to anything we should know before we open this door uh no i don't think so okay do you guys want to like open this, anything we should know before we open this door? Uh, no, I don't think so. Okay. Do you guys want to like open this door like as us or like? Oh, uh, I remember there was a kind of an argument that happened. It was like awkward between, uh, Lark and his, his dad. So I guess be prepared for that. Oh, so if we want the cool drama, we have to switch back.
Starting point is 01:03:00 All right. Scary. Go ahead. Yeah, I guess. Well, I don't know if I want to. Okay. All right, guys. Lark, Sparrow, come on.
Starting point is 01:03:08 You stop goofing off. We're here on official daddy's business. So come on, boys. Hey, and dads, real quick. Hey, I saw this movie once where this guy pushed through the door. I know we didn't do it on the first set of doors, but maybe this set of doors we can push through like Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings movies.
Starting point is 01:03:22 Look, we can all admit that Aragorn is really hot and sexy. Okay, Glenn. But like, I just feel like there's been a lot of silliness going on and we're here on a mission. Okay. Daryl. Daryl Link is like leaning down towards Grant. He's like, I got suspicious.
Starting point is 01:03:33 Look, he goes, hey, son, make sure whenever you have a son, you let me eat ice cream. Just like, look around. Like, I wonder if that worked right so you're talking you said that to grant grant who's still your adult dad in a kid's body he's like do you do you want me to give you more ice cream when we get home isn't this the past it's still me i'm still really here still me yeah you didn't give me any ice cream i don't remember you giving me more ice cream normal looks at daryl Lincoln and is like,
Starting point is 01:04:05 no, look, it's time travel. It's just like that movie Prime. And that's how Daryl died of a heart attack. Alright, let's open the door. Okay, so you open the door and you see only Glenn Aragorn pushes in. Yeah, everyone else just walks in. You see rows and rows of pews hastily constructed out of shitty wood and rusty nails.
Starting point is 01:04:28 And in the back of the church, at the other end of the church, which is currently empty, you see a throne sitting on it. It's the nave. Sorry. The nave? That's what that area's called? The nave. The nave.
Starting point is 01:04:38 Okay, so yeah, you enter and you see the nave of the church. It's very big. The central part of a church. Central part of a church. Hey, Daryl. Hey, Daryl, check out the craftsmanship on the pews. Pretty nice. They have the church just got here. Well, minus the craftsmanship on these pews, huh? Yeah, a little wobbly.
Starting point is 01:04:50 Take a seat. But they feel good on the behind. Right here, the word of God. She's got a great ass. Wow! Wow! Henry, but not normal gets an advantage, gets inspiration.
Starting point is 01:05:06 You feel psychic energy of a very chaotic and disturbing nature coming from the throne. Scam actually goes, ooh, I'm getting a lot of doodler jizz coming out of that throne. Oh, no. We haven't talked about this. We have kids around. Oh, sorry, sorry. Doodler semen coming out of that throne. Oh, no. We haven't talked about this. We have kids around. Oh, sorry, sorry. Doodler semen coming out of that.
Starting point is 01:05:29 I'm so sorry. Thank you. You're welcome. Ooh, sitting in that might be awfully dangerous, but it seems like that's what we're looking for is a way to look into the doodler's mind. I could give it a shot. I mean, I know you've been- Oh, what?
Starting point is 01:05:39 Is it because I'm a little scamp and you're worried I'm going to do something untoward? We just can't trust that scam. You know what they say? Fool me 73 times. Shame on you. Fool me 74 times. And I've been keeping track and this is the 74th time I could have been potentially fooled by you because there were a lot of crazy scams you pulled.
Starting point is 01:05:56 Fool 74 times, your head detonates because we've programmed you just like the Suicide Squad. Actually, this is all the time. Daryl says it. Daryl holds up the detonator. You know what's crazy? You know what's fucking insane? As I was literally about to say that.
Starting point is 01:06:10 I was literally going to have Scam actually push up his fedora and go, well, actually, since you put that explosive inside my skull, I can't fuck you over that badly without risking detonation. So I'm pretty sure it'll be okay. I can give it a shot.
Starting point is 01:06:23 And if not, you can always pop my head, as we like to okay so scam actually sits in the throne and he goes and he goes oh and he stands up he goes i don't feel a connection to it i think it's looking for something simpatico something that it's uh connected with in terms of its dude the dna so i guess it's gonna be one of you oak boys not my my beautiful boys. I'll do it. Lark goes, no, I can do it. Lark, I'm not going to let this crazy dangerous. I'm not going to let you do that. And Lark goes, I know it's crazy dangerous. So the last time that we saw Lark as an audience, you know, he was a kid. Now Lark walks towards you with a little bit more of a bowed angle to his spine, bags under his eyes. It doesn't dress himself that well. His hair's kind
Starting point is 01:07:02 of messy in a way that is unfortunately very attractive to people of his age. I can fix him. Yeah, exactly. And he goes, no, I'm going to do this. If this is going to put you in any more danger, it's going to be me,
Starting point is 01:07:11 like the end. No, Lark, I can't. No, buddy, come on. It was kind of his fault that this whole thing started. Shut the fuck up, Ron. Jeez, come on. He's right.
Starting point is 01:07:19 Ron's right. Okay, I fucked over everybody and it's my fucking fault. Maybe it's your fault for not stopping me i don't know i'm gonna fucking do it and he just starts walking forward i step in front of him he hits you in the face he turns and he punches you in the face and he goes this is my fault all of this is my fault i have to be the one to fix it and you won't punish me everything you just you
Starting point is 01:07:43 say it's all it's all it's fine it's fine. It's fine, I forgive you. It's all good. You see, like, I just, people make mistakes. People don't make mistakes like this, okay? This is a mistake that I, I'm the only one who can fix it. I have to fix it, and if somebody's gonna die for it, it's gonna be me, you stupid fucking idiot. If you would have been better, if you would have been better.
Starting point is 01:08:00 I'm not gonna let you do this, Lark. I grab him, and I'm literally trying to hold him back. He punches you again in the stomach, and the wind gets knocked out of you. He's not getting involved, but he's going to step in between the throne and this happening in case he does get past Henry. Henry, as you double over with your stomach hurt, he goes, if you'd been a better father, I wouldn't be like this. This is my fault, but it's your fault too. You fucked this up. We fucked this.
Starting point is 01:08:24 I don't know. This fucking needs to happen. And so the note I gave you early on in the episode is my thoughts for how Henry might react to this. And if you want to follow that, you can. If you don't, you don't have to. Lark, I'm sorry, man. Like, I can't, this is okay.
Starting point is 01:08:41 Okay? It's all right. You're a kid. You were an even younger kid when this all happened. This isn't your fault, okay? And if you're blaming yourself, I forgive you, all right? We're all in this together, and this is too dangerous. You know, we know what this thing can do,
Starting point is 01:08:54 and you're right, it is my fault. It is my fault that all of this happened, and if anyone is going to get up there, it's gonna be me. I know that you have all these pain and I have all these feelings, but I can't watch you get killed. I can't watch something else horrible happen to you you have to let me do this okay lark is looking at you for a second and he's not moving and he's not even emoting at you and it's very confusing and then for a second he shimmers and daryl behind you
Starting point is 01:09:21 i was about to say i was looking for sparrow damn it yeah daryl behind you. I was about to say I was looking for Sparrow. Damn it. Yeah. Daryl behind you, you see that Sparrow was the person who was fighting your dad. And that Lark is the one who sneaks around and goes, sorry. And he sits down in the throne. And immediately his back arches with pain. And darkness shoots out of his eyes. And he begins to bellow in pain for what actually is a couple seconds, but feels like minutes. I run up to him.
Starting point is 01:09:46 I'm going to try to pull him off the throne. The second your hands touch him, you feel, in order, love, confusion, betrayal, sadness, and deep anger. And the heaviness of those emotions make you feel like you can't even move and Lark can't even move. I'm obviously trying to help Henry, but I'm assuming.
Starting point is 01:10:03 Yeah, same kind of vibe hits all of you. As you touch, there's just no way to get him off there. But after a couple seconds, the darkness fades from his eyes and he... Lark! Oh my god, are you okay? And he looks at you with just a lot of fury in his eyes. A fury that is very familiar to you over the past couple of years of a tiredness, a sadness, and a self-hatred and he says we we just gotta fucking kill it we gotta kill it i don't want to talk about i don't want
Starting point is 01:10:31 to talk about what i saw we're gonna fucking kill it we're gonna kill it okay i love you in that moment as you say i love you the memories all kind of end and freeze and this is as much as the church of the doodler remembers in this timeline so if you want to switch back to the current timeline you can let's cut scenes over we got it hey ron you want to oh yeah sorry uh scary yeah oh wow really you oh you're really getting your own head there that was yeah intense normal kind of just kind of takes a step back and just his eyes are welling with tears i was like oh my god you all right, I mean. So in the present tense, the throne is still there. Mm-hmm. You can do what you wish.
Starting point is 01:11:11 Well. Holy shit. I got to see what he saw. No, no. I started walking towards the. No, I'm sorry. No, let me do this. I started holding.
Starting point is 01:11:17 I don't have a twin to rope you with, man, but we need to know what he saw. No. Because we need to know how to beat it. You're like my brother now, though. You just said, like, you can't just, you just saw what happened. And you saw. The answer they got was the bad answer.
Starting point is 01:11:28 Like, let's not, we don't need to know what's in there, dude. But he, man, there's so much I don't know about my freaking family, man. Like, I'm going nuts over here. I don't know why they hate me so much. And maybe something in there will tell me what I need to know to be at peace with them. Man, this is like, you don't fucking understand this. Okay. You don't understand.
Starting point is 01:11:48 You need to back off. Okay. You're not my brother. You guys aren't my family. That's my family. This is all this whole fucked up thing. And we need to know what's going on and we need to know what they know. So just let me do it. The answers are here with us, dude.
Starting point is 01:11:58 Like, no, I'm not your brother, but I'm your friend. I can't let you do that. Guys, help, help me out here. I try to hold him. Grant just sits there and sort of watches and is like, I is what i was worried would happen i lark never told us what he saw i asked him a million times he never told me what he saw so if there is something in here maybe i mean lark didn't die maybe maybe normally i'll be fine whatever happened we need to know everything we can to stop this thing i can't live with this in my heart anymore come on like i i
Starting point is 01:12:23 think deep down i've always known the only reason my dad couldn't, you know, feel the way that dads are supposed to feel about me is probably he knows that I got to inherit all this horrible shit someday. So you just gotta let me do this. Okay. Okay. Okay, man. Like you do what you have to do.
Starting point is 01:12:37 We're here for you, but I don't, I don't know about actually. Yeah, I guess we are. I guess even if you're not related to this thing, it still comes back to haunt you. Gary, what I'm about to do is so fucking goth and so metal, I wish it could be you. I wish it could be you, because I know that you would think this was super cool,
Starting point is 01:12:57 but one of us has to do it, and I think it's got to be me, so... Then I guess rock on, Norm. Link, Taylor, Hermie, Scary, Grant. I'm just listing people in the room because I'm scared now. I love you all. Be aggressive. Be aggressive. And I start chanting that as I go towards the thing.
Starting point is 01:13:22 Each step, like, yeah. Hermie starts stomping and clapping his hands. We've got spirit. Yes, we do. We've got spirit. How about you? And I sit down on the throne. In that moment, your mind explodes with possibility and space and time.
Starting point is 01:13:35 You immediately feel yourself zooming through the consciousness of a creature that is older than time and more intelligent than... Than Jordan Peterson. David Mamet. Jordan Peterson. David Mamet. Jordan Peterson, yeah. Imagine this. Oh my God, we need to clean the doodler's room. Imagine the intelligence of Jordan Peterson combined with the sex appeal of Jordan Peterson.
Starting point is 01:13:56 Oh my God, stop it, Anthony. And the Kermit-like voice of Jordan Peterson. You look into the doodler's mind and you can feel all of its memories stretching out from birth to now. And you feel yourself being drawn toward the very, very first memory. You can go in the direction of finding out what it wants or what it fears. Which do you want to go for? I'm going to go for the real video game moment
Starting point is 01:14:20 where I'm like, am I going to get to do both? You'd like to quick save? Save a version of this podcast. I'm going to seek out what it fears. When you think of the word fear, you zoom to a memory from the middle of its lifespan and you feel yourself inside the body of a quick talking newspaper gal. Great Grandma Hildy, I wrote a book report on her in sixth grade. She is being quietly, insidiously, and subtly gaslit
Starting point is 01:14:50 and insulted and abused by her son, Barry, who is tucking her into bed and taking away all of her agency and all of her resources and all of her money and is smiling the entire time that he does it. And you feel, as the doodler, the sense of pain and hate. This little brat can't do that to me. I want a fucking bullet, sir. Yeah, you feel that resentment,
Starting point is 01:15:12 and then you feel, from Barry, that sense of quiet, loathing, and selfishness. What gets you more than anything is the feeling of once he leaves the room, Hildy is in Oakvale, this beautiful forest, but she is completely alone in her bed. And there is no one that she loves around her. And she feels completely and utterly and totally isolated as she dies. And when she dies, you feel your consciousness shift into Barry and the fear goes away. Because to be afraid of losing something you love, you have to be able to love really hard.
Starting point is 01:15:46 And so that fear sort of goes away. But the fear that you found was that fear of loneliness being Hildy on her deathbed. Okay. I would like to now circle back and figure out what this thing was. Great. Yeah, this is a telltale game. You get to do both. So to find out what it wants, you go all the way back to its very, very first memory.
Starting point is 01:16:04 So to find out what it wants, you go all the way back to its very, very first memory. First, there is not just darkness, but the absence of darkness, the absence of anything, the nothingness of nothingness. And then very suddenly, there's a bright light, and you hear the sound of a film reel going. And you look around you, and you see lots of glowing rods on the walls. You see a really, really handsome Asian actor that gives you untoward thoughts. You see a young stuntman in a newsy cap. It gives you untoward thoughts. You see a cowardly line producer holding a script, and you see who you will eventually join with the image of the lady journalist.
Starting point is 01:16:34 And you feel confusion, but awe and wonderment at what's surrounded you. All these feelings, all these sensations, all these new people. Then you find yourself getting bigger and bigger, wanting to interact with these people. And you hear the people screaming, you hear fear from them, and you see the line producer reaching out his hand to shake your hand as his mind leaves him. And you try to embrace him, but as you do so, you feel his bones getting crushed under your might and your weight, and you accidentally murder him. And you suddenly feel very, very scared and very sad because you just, all you wanted to do was hug him and say hello. And then you see the stunt man looking down into you as you get bigger and bigger to try to hug him as well,
Starting point is 01:17:12 maybe, and say sorry for what you did to his friend. And you end up consuming him as well and hurting him. And the one person who remains living in this group, the journalist, you try to join with and you decide not to hug her, not to show your love because your love hurts people so much. You decide to instead go inside her and hide yourself and join with her. And as the years goes by, as you sort of very quickly speed read through almost the rest of his memories, you see the doodler glimpsing Ron and Willie. You see a boy almost getting drowned in the water and you reach out to try to save the boy. But the boy leans back and the father goes in instead and you accidentally grab the father who was trying to drown the boy and you join with him and the second that you join with him you feel his indifference and his
Starting point is 01:17:51 hopelessness and his spite and his selfishness and it inhabits you and then you feel being inside two young boys lark and sparrow and all the excitement and all the wonder and all the love in the world but then you feel the sting of betrayal from both having your back stabbed by your son and being your son in that moment. And in that moment, you feel the resentment grow from within Lark towards himself. You feel that resentment for everyone and everything. You hate it.
Starting point is 01:18:17 It's your fault. Everything is bad. Every time you try to love someone, every time you try to touch someone or reach out in someone, they hurt and it's bad. And you just want more than anything to make it all go away, however you can. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to be near anybody else. You want to destroy all of this stuff. And these emotions and these feelings that you're feeling are so strong and so terrible that you
Starting point is 01:18:37 decide you want to live without them. And you calcify these emotions and feelings into anchors, into physical objects, and you hide those across the many planes of existence, hoping that their absence from your body would allow you a freedom from those emotions. But they're too strong, and even the radiation of those emotions still allow you to feel them as if they were right here. But you know in this moment that the anchors are the thing keeping the doodler here, even though the doodler doesn't realize it, because it is at this point, basically a child lashing out at everything around it, out of confusion and self loathing. Its anchors are the things that are allowing it to maintain a foothold in all of these planes while it tries to reach out and alternately get humanity to love it and punish it for not loving it and all the complicated feelings they're in. And in a sense, it looks at humanity as its dad, and it deeply resents its dad, but also deeply loves
Starting point is 01:19:36 its dad and wants that validation. But in this moment, you feel if you could go find those anchors and destroy them, the doodler would not necessarily have anything keeping it here and could maybe pass back into that darkness from whence it came. And in that moment, the darkness leaves your eyes. You hear a really loud noise sort of come into your ears and you realize it's the sound of you screaming. And slowly that stops and your throat stops hurting. And you are back in the world. You know now what it takes to get rid of the doodler, you know what it's scared of, and you know what it wants. Normal staggers out, and he drops to his knees, sobbing, and he looks at his friends, and he says, we have to help it. Wist away. Is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be all right.
Starting point is 01:20:33 Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, Make steel and borrow. Break where we can't change.
Starting point is 01:21:08 We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burch is our DM, Will Campos is Normal Oak,
Starting point is 01:21:36 Beth May is Scary Marlowe, and myself, Freddie Wong, as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves rides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. I am right now. It's a pretty good letter. Andrew Heiser, Viv Ling, Radiation, Joseph Gilligan, Liv, Nathan Russell, Imagine M, I am right now, it's a pretty good letter, Ed Schamberg, Alex Gallegos, Patrick Goonan, William Weigand, Jacob Guzman, Joel DeLobre, Christina Riccio, Alex Jones, not that one, Heather, Daniel Diffin, or Laser H. Our Patreon is the place to go. There's a lot of ways you
Starting point is 01:22:22 can support this show. The obvious one is our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, which is great if you're looking for more content for your ear and eye holes. But Patreon isn't for everyone. I get it. That's why we got a merch store. Right now, if you head over to store.dungeonsanddaddies.com, you can get 20% off basically everything in the whole store. It's that Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Super Tuesday thing everyone does.
Starting point is 01:22:41 And today, the day of the episode release, is the last day to get on it. So head on over to store.dungeonsanddaddies.com there you will find tons of stuff from season one and season two posters totes stickers pins uh the deck of daddy things by the way will be back in stock later this week we have to do two shipments from our manufacturer so keep an eye out for that and the easiest way to do that follow us on social we are dungeons and dads on twitter our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com our subreddit is dungeons and daddies and our next episode is going to be coming out tuesday december 13th we will see you then we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today we live for tomorrow fake steel and borrow brave where we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no,
Starting point is 01:23:26 not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Glenn lights up a dupe and is like, phew, outside of my pay grade. Terry, I love you. I'm emotionally available now.

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