Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 24 - Spider-Boyz: Homecoming

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Armed with the arcane knowledge of the Doodler, the teens return to their natural coast ready to save the world.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Dungeons and Grandads is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for teens, not grown-ups. Go watch a sitcom or do your taxes or something, losers. Welcome to Dungeons and Grandads, not a D&D podcast. It's a cool isekai podcast about four granddads who go to a jacked up time temple in another realm to learn how to defeat a chaos god. I'm Taylor Swift and I play Glenn Close, rock and roll DJ bard granddad of the group. Fun granddad fact about Glenn this week. I'm not sure if Glenn's like actually bard granddad of the group nice fun granddad fact about glenn this week um i'm not

sure if glenn's like actually my granddad it's unclear i was a little confused about who he is unclear i think we need to spend maybe 25 of this podcast maybe resolving that fact but anyway this is lincoln lee wilson here playing daryl wilson a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering the i I guess, earth. I don't know. Forgotten realms? I'm confused. Anyways, a little fact about Daryl here.

He's never been able to win a game of soccer against his grandkid. That's right. Suck it, Big D. That's right, granddad. Come at me. Anyways, maybe someday you can move a little quicker, old man, with that ball. But not today. Nah, I doubt he ever will.

Hi, everyone. I'm Normally Oak Swallows Garcia, and I play Henry Oak. Hippie, dippie, crunchy, munchie, Birkenstock, rockin', vegan nature druid dad. Fun fact about Henry. Henry's favorite grandkid is all grandkids because he thinks all kids are grand. Wow, that's nice. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be honest. It kind of felt like a dodge when he told me that.

He didn't want to pick between me and my sister hero. But now that I know that, like, every generation of our family is, like, cursed by the doodler, maybe he just really wishes we didn't exist. Anyway, I yield the remainder of my time. I'm Scary Marlow, and I play Ron Stampler. Wow. An emotionally stunted step-step-grandfather slash rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week is that he's dead.

Oh, yeah. That's what I heard. I am Hermie the Unworthy, and I'm your granddad. Hi, everyone. My granddad fact this week is that I just learned that I'm actually Taylor's uncle. Yeah. So, sorry. Kind of weird.

Sorry, Switchworthy fans. That ship has sailed. Yeah, Hermie, it seems like we learned a lot about you last week. How are you feeling about all of that? I mean, in order to feel anything, I'd have to be focusing on it, which I can't, because I'm too busy keeping Gotham safe from criminals. Yeah. There he is.

All right, are you ready to pretend to be wizards and shit? Absolutely. All right, well then, get those dice and let's start rolling. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I don't like that. I don't like that.

Really? No. Okay. That makes it sound very much a BDSM podcast. I was just trying something. That's just my Dom Matt over there. Sorry, we'll start over. I was just trying.

I was trying something. Go ahead. No, it's too far. We can't start over. Just go. It's not a BDSM podcast. It's like, go ahead. No, it's too far. We can't start over. Just go. It's not a BDSM podcast. It's just a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. What do you think about that?

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent back to our world originally to save our world from their grandparents and their mistakes. And how will they do it? Well, listen on, dear listener. My name is Freddie Wong. I play. Stay with us.

Stay with us. Stay on target. There's Ira Glass in that white glass. Yeah, and I made it better by referencing Star Wars. What is your problem? You guys ever... Jay Leno?

No, he does that. Did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? I don't know. Ira Glass does have a little bit of... And you know, it just, it makes me wonder sometimes if Yavin was the right planet. I play Taylor Swift.

He's the anime loving teen of the group. Everyone's a teen, just to be clear. But this week's Taylor fact, this is not the first time Taylor's been in church. Last episode, we visited the church of the Duel.

Taylor's been in church before too. Freddie, it would be so funny if that was the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? That's it. That's it. Taylor's dueling church before too. It would be so funny if that was the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? That's it.

That's it. He was familiar. He was familiar with how church. I want to hear the whole thing. He was asked politely to leave because the entire time he back out, just like an Evangelion. Maybe we should just not hurt the rest of it. Hey,

I didn't know that we were fucking grading each other's fucking facts, you asshole. Well, you can grade mine. Here we go. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled at home soccer kid who's a productive paladin of the group. Little fact about Lincoln. So again, as you know, he's homeschooled, which means pretty much his knowledge is kind of dependent upon Marco and Grant's knowledge. And when it comes to geography, all of his knowledge of other countries comes from who has participated in the World Cup. So he knows exactly 80 countries. That's how many countries have participated in the history of the World Cup.

He does not know any other country, and he knows every single country's score. He thinks there's 80 countries in the world. As far as he's concerned, there's 80 countries in the world, and he knows every single country that's ever played in the World Cup. What about ancient countries? What are those? Macedonia. Did 80 countries in the world as far as he's concerned there's 80 countries in the world he knows every single country has ever played in the world what about like ancient countries what are those macedonia yeah did they play in the world cup what is that b minus i'll take that i'll take that i'll take a b minus fact um all right well my name is will campbell's i play normal He's a mixed-up mascot teen who has unlocked ages-old truths about his origin, and he doesn't know what to do about that. Normal fact about Normal this week is Normal gets bad grades in school.

He's like a 2.5 GPA. So he'll be satisfied with his dad fact rating of a C-. Oh, my God. Nobody's surprised to him. What's his best subject? Normal's going to take that C minus and he's going to mull over either trying to turn the C into a B or turning that minus into a plus. What's his best subject and his worst subject?

That would be a tricky one to turn into a B. Yeah. He's not good at that either. It's a lowercase B I got on my test. Just a straight C minus across the board in all subjects. There is no sub. Yeah, that's great. Turned into a lowercase b. I got it. It's actually just a straight C-minus across the board in all subjects. There is no... Yeah, that's great. Turned into a smiling emoticon.

Your parents think it's like a doing school. In the future, all of the... There's no grades. It's just emojis now. So he's trying to get that smiley emoticon.

This essay makes me feel fingers on chin. I got a laughing crying on it. Is that a good laughing on crying or a bad laughing crying? I thought that the one where it's the guy going like, was like just a silly smile. And I found out it's the cringe emoji.

Oh, it is? Yeah. Like that one. Beth almost spat her drink up. I didn't know what it was. I just thought it was a funny little smile. A funny smile. Oh, no.

It's eee. I've been cringing at people for years. I've been making an idiot of myself. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee. Eee people for years. I've been making an idiot of myself. Oh, that makes me cringe. Normal gets straight cringe emojis in school. That's the final fact. I'm sticking with it. I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlo,

the God Punk Seeker of Darkness, who is not like the other warlocks. Fun, canonical teen fact about Scary and about, you know, the history of the world. Okay, okay. This week. Go ahead and set that up. Yes, just to establish canonically,

Scary has never met her step-grandfather, Ron Sampler, but did hear the sad truth from her stepdad, Terry Jr., that Ron disappeared and presumed, you know, actually died. Disappeared? Well, no, died while fishing on his boat, the Salty Swallow. And all they found was a bunch of worms. It was donated by your wife's ice cream company. It was actually the official boat.

It was donated by your wife. All they found were a little container of worms, some of Daryl and Ron's beer, you know, the 20 ABV kind, and then a pair of Bermuda shorts. But they never found him. He was lost at sea. He's lost at sea.

He's like William Colby, former CIA director. Ron's not dead. I'm just saying that they never found him. That's my favorite Christian movie. Stay tuned for Ron's Not dead. I'm just saying that they never found father. That's my favorite Christian movie. Stay tuned for Ron's not dead too. Okay, Beth gets a B plus. Anthony, though, for that final comment, gets an A plus. Wow.

Good job, class. I'm bucking you over on the bell curve. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. I guess my dad fact for this week will be we haven't filmed it yet, but I think by the time this episode goes live, we will have filmed a little vignette of me doing my full tattoo reveal because it's done ah that's right oh yeah so i think congratulations yeah how was the experience if i could go back and not do it i

would i would not do it that's always a good thing to think about yeah i just think that they're you know people are like you know you're gonna regret that tattoo 20 years from now but speed run i mean i'm glad that i have it now but the amount of money it took, the amount of physical and weirdly emotional pain that it caused me, because I would have panic attacks the day before I had to go back in. Yeah, and I had to spend a lot of time with a guy who really liked Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan.

So usually when I want that, I just hang out with Matt. But he does hang out with me. I do, but I do. I need someone to play Warhammer with. When we last left you, you had headed into the cults of the Doodler's Church. You had looked into the past and seen that your dads, along with their dads, had looked into the mind of the Doodler, specifically Lark had. He hadn't told anybody what he saw, but he saw the same thing that in our timeline, Normal saw, which is that the doodler is basically a non-Euclidean eldritch teen who looks at humanity as its dad and ultimately resents,

loves, hates, fears, and is kind of bored by humanity itself. And you know that there are four anchors spread amongst the realms that you can go and find and destroy. You cannot tell where the majority of them are, but you know that one of them is back in what you know is home, but what is actually the forgotten realms, the fantasy world back where all of your family and friends are. How do we know this? Normally you have awakened, the power of the doodler has awakened something in you and you feel that you are something of a doodler detector now.

You can feel the pull of those anchors on you because of the mental bond. And that's when I thought to myself, now I'm something of a doodler detector and I can feel the pull of these anchors. And I'm pretty sure one of them is back home. Wait, what do you mean we gotta help it? Like help it to its death?

No, we gotta help it. It's just like us. It's a teen. It's a teen. It's sad and it's lonely and miserable and unhappy. And I feel like if we cut it loose, I don't know, it'll go away. I mean, everyone's been trying to kill it. And I think if we help it along, we can alleviate its pain and we can, I just feel like it's

the only way we need to go. Doesn't it kill things? Yeah. And it's like, oh, I push away the people that I love feel bad for me. Having depression and things is good, but you still have to be responsible for your actions. So it's like if the doodler is killing things. It doesn't know that that's what it's doing, though. Oh, I'm so mysterious and cool because I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, who cares? Oh. Yeah, scary. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Scary gets it now. Wait, hold on a second. Has the doodler killed anything? Grant says yes. Many, lots of yeah. Do you know what I mean? Scary gets it now. Wait, hold on a second. Has the doodler killed anything? Grant says yes.

Many, lots of yes. Like what? Like what, Dad? Explain. Well, when it was first burst into the world, it killed, I think, everybody there back in Oak Ridge in Tennessee when it was first brought in in the 1920s or 30s.

I remember reading about that. And then when it took over Earth, it sort of created a bunch of weird monsters and tried to like absorb people and turn them into monsters yeah it killed a lot of people wait on purpose or like how should i know it's a big weird black tenderly thing in the sky i don't know what its intentions are if you're saying that you saw in its mind that it's just like sad and scared and like i said lark never told us what he saw in there but he came out saying we have to kill it he was like sure that we had to kill it so maybe you're like misinterpreting

well maybe he's misinterpreting everything of that yeah uh well okay no i guess i didn't yeah look all i know is the way that this has been going it hasn't been working at all and i feel like this is the way we got it there's these anchors and we need to release it so that it can i don't know i just feel like that's the thing we gotta do it's these anchors and we need to release it so that it can i don't know i just feel like that's the thing we gotta do it's like an animal yeah it's like an animal we gotta set it free yeah remember we was like me and you when we watch like bullfights you'd be like oh is that great like good job like kill the dudes like we root for the bull or when we or like when like yeah to clarify when we see a bull gore a matador we say good for you yeah yes that's what

makes us yeah no we thought that we watch bullets it's like you know it's like when people send youtube videos or whatever we don't sit down and watch people getting gored we have never financially supported bullfights i did i did not make my son watch men get gored they totally get what i'm saying okay it's totally it's just any time you know they send a video it's like oh look, the lion that ate the magician. Like, good for the lion. So, like, you don't blame the animal.

So, like, you're the bullfighter then. If this is, like, it's just an animal that's killing things because it doesn't know what it's doing, it's not its fault. We have to come to some kind of understanding with this thing because it's in pain and it's slashing out. Whoever has the sun, can you roll perception? I got a 10. I could say, well, who knows what happened, but I think it's very clear what happened. Yeah. So he goes, well, the thing is, he's holding the box now.

He managed to swipe it from you with his sleight of hand roll while you were getting distracted by normal screaming. He goes, do you understand rabid dogs, that metaphor? I know none of you have dogs that I know of. I got my dogs right here. Am I right? Yeah, you never let us have dogs. Bark, bark, woof, woof. No, no.

Oh, like your balls? When a dog goes rabid. No, my bros, my dogs right here am I right yeah you never let us have bark bark woof woof no no oh like your balls when a dog goes rabid no my bros my dogs holy shit what's wrong with everybody oh yeah my dogs Hermie gets it I hold out a fist bump he holds out a shaky fist to bump you he goes yeah I got you nephew maybe you're right but if what you're saying is true and this thing is just confused and these anchors are like nails pinning down the chains of a rabid junkyard dog, when you remove the nails and the chains go loose, isn't there a chance that it'll just devour our faces and bite us and give us rabies? When a dog's rabid, there's kind of only the one thing to do. Sorry, I've got the sun, so I'll handle that. Wait, what?

Yeah, while you all were distracted, I took a break. I told you I would. I've got the sun, so I know I'll handle that. Wait, what? Yeah, while you all were distracted. He did. He did. I told you I would. I was honest with you. No. Well, honestly, I would like the sun back. I zoot back to season one. Okay, so he gets very small suddenly.

And then I pick him up. Oh, wow. That's great. She's going to roll sleight of hand as Ron, who has a much better sleight of hand. That's great. Five plus going to roll slide of hand as Ron who has a much better slide of hand. That's great. Five plus 11. Five plus 11. So he's going to roll.

As a child. As a child. As a tiny baby depressed boy who loves Fortnite. He is going to roll and yeah, no, 16 does not do it.

And he just goes, woof. I've just realized you all are going to try to attack me and take this. I didn't think that it was going to get that rowdy.

So I'm going to buy. And he just starts sprinting. I run after him. I'll go back to season two. Yeah, I'm sprinting. And also my strike gets longer. And I go, but so does your dad's. I gain one inch.

I go from 6'2 to 6'3. Dad, this isn't funny. Give it back. So he runs into the cat bus. What are you just going to abandon us here? He goes, I'll be back. We have one more action before the cat takes off. I have the ruler, right?

The measuring tape, yeah. The measuring tape. Holy shit, make the cat really small. So how many charges does this thing have? Let's roll a D4, and that's how many uses it has. All right, well, the first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to say, that sun's not going to be very useful to you without this. Oh, and he stops and he goes, shit.

Make the cat small. Make the cat small. No, I don't know how many uses this thing has. Suppose we already got him to stop. I rolled a D4. You had to. You used one. You have one use of this thing left.

Okay. Now, I bet you're wondering, did I measure two things or only one? It was one. Well, seeing as how you, all right. Well, I got one left, and I can make you really tiny right now, and then I wouldn't be able to turn you back. So what do you want? Okay.

You got me here, and he just hands you the sun back. Perception check. Nice. Perception check. Insight, I think is what you want. Insight. I got a 16. So 16, he is genuinely like defeated and goes like, okay, I get it. Yeah. You all know he doesn't have an ulterior motive. He forgot that he needed to get both the tape measure and the sun because Anthony forgot. And he just hands you back the sun because the idea of you destroying the stuff is a lot worse. Look, look. Okay. Yes. You have leverage over me. If you destroy the measuring tape, my plans gets fucked up, but you could also use that measuring tip for something. So don't destroy it. It could be hugely, hugely useful. Literally. Yeah. Dad, Mr. Wilson, listen, you're right. We don't know what'll happen when we remove these anchors. We're going to have to

figure that out. But this is the first promising leave we've had that doesn't explicitly involve destroying a whole part of the universe like your plan isn't any better millions of people are gonna die i know it's scary but we have to face this thing we have to we have to at least try to figure this out what i saw in there was i saw a being in pain that's what i saw i didn't see a feral monster that was going to attack us the second we've let it loose i saw something that wanted to be loved and like i don't know about the rest of you, but I've got to try to help it. Dad, we don't know if it's a rabid dog or not. We're going to find it out before we just put

it down and we're going to try to help it. If normal says we're going to help it, we're going to help it. So that's right. Yeah. At least let us get a vibe check, like see what its favorite music is or whatever. So are you going to help us or not? So as you've been saying all this, you see him look up almost in thought as you're talking. And then slowly him looking up turns into like a big, long, slow eye roll. And then you see his posture sort of shift forward a little bit. And he takes out his phone and he starts playing Fortnite. The adult version of him does this.

The adult version of Fortnite? Yeah, the adult. Fortnite nights. Fortnite nights. Nights. Where we dropping, boys. And he goes like, yeah, no, that's cool. Whatever.

Whatever works. What do you mean? If you want to roll Arcana, you can. I got a 10 Arcana. 13. Taylor had an 18 plus 220. 3 plus 7, 10. So only Taylor notices that he has the glazed over kind of look in his eyes that you saw

in Lark and Sparrow's eyes when they had been here for too long. He's sort of not quite sure who he is. And for some reason, this conversation has made it easier for him to think of himself as a teen who is free of responsibility rather than the adult who had to make this difficult choice. Taylor doesn't tell anybody this. Nobody knows this information. Nobody gets to know except Taylor.

Taylor is the only person who knows this. Taylor looks straight at, clocks it, doesn't say a word. Nobody else understands even why it's happening. So Grant goes like, yeah, whatever. Okay, I'll be in the fucking cat. Whatever. You need to go home to Marco. And you know what?

I just don't trust you. Like, even with the zone of truth, like, I don't know what's going on right now. He's acting up. Seems like Taylor's got something going on over there. But, you know, I can use, I don't need Arcana. Taylor just looks more smug than usual. I don't need Arcana to piece together. I don't think you're going to be able to have any help and we don't need you right now. You Marco needs you and there's stuff going on in our world. So you

need to go home. So Grant goes and sits down and crosses his arms like really hard. Okay. Well, that's real mature buddy, but doesn't, doesn't change anything. So Hey, normal. Let's look up dad. We do need to go home too, because that's, I think with the first of these anchors, the one I can most powerfully sense as a doodler detector is. Well, there we go. It looks like we're all going home. But when we get home, you're going to home home with Marco. Yeah, you're grounded.

And we're going to go do what we need to do. So we're all going home, but you're staying home. You don't want to go back? Well, it's like here we're like cool crime fighting, like superhero kind of like. That's what you got from everything we've talked about. Herbie's like, when did we fight crime? And I guess you're a superhero.

None of us are. Back home, it's just like people pulling your hair and like calling you like names and stuff like that and just not understanding. Who's pulling your hair? But now I have Fireball and anybody who defies me, you know, I'll just have that in my back pocket. Well, you might have it over there, too.

You know what? Scary, you don't need Fireball to burn brighter than the sun. Oh, my God. Grant's like, oh, my God. So just, you know, keep that spirit going, and it's going to be great. We're going to go back there. Just because you got some cool, like, jeweler power that makes you special doesn't mean you're more special than me. I'm sadder than you. I would never say I'm more i'm more special than you i think everyone on this team is special in

their own way like you know you've got this like special thing going on where like you're mean all the time and link is like really nice and taylor is very creative so we all have something that we're great at and scary this time like before i saw prophecy and i'm gonna save the world so i think you know we're all equal. And before at school we were all bullied and we didn't have any friends and now we all have three friends. And now we all have powers and stuff. Four. Four. Four. Hermes here.

Oh hey Hermes. Hi. Yeah well we should go back. I'm feeling cold towards you as well. Oh. Is that Mr. Freeze? For me? Yes. This is my Mr. Freeze voice. He's going through a lot right now. He keeps disassociating. He's not ready to deal with his dad stuff. You voice. He's going through a lot right now. He keeps disassociating. He's not ready to deal with his dad stuff. You're disassociating.

Oh, I'm Hermie. I'm disassociating. Sorry. I'm doing one of two things, he says, and he flips the coin. He says, I'm either disassociating or this is who I am. And he rolls a die. Evens are, he's disassociating odds are this is who he is. He goes, this is who I am.

It sounds like we should be going back to our world. Yeah. And you're like a radar now or something? Yeah. I can sense it in me. You know? Checkpoints. You got some checkpoints.

I've never really sensed something before. I'm really excited about that. Hey, really quick. Before we go, should we just check all the shops? Make sure that we're buying everything that we can. What shops? Make sure that we're clearing out any sides. I've been seeing these single shops the entire time.

Every time we're here, we've been talking about it. You mean the men's warehouse where i got this smart looking three-piece suit yeah the papa john's we're gonna buy pizza made out of dudes we're all satisfied we're all satisfied with that okay just making sure just making sure completion what are we gonna do with the sun okay that's a good idea let's i pull out a pad and i go okay we got four four anchors right that's what we're saying yeah that's what you said okay one of them's in our world do you know where the other three are my hunch is i think there's probably one in each of the planes so there might be one here but i can't sense it okay i'm writing it down like it's like a

mission checklist okay it's like yeah you know or just like a checklist yeah just checklists exist no like in a video game man dad you know what i'm talking about fortnight over there in fact i look over the fortnight screen i copy exactly their interface so you copy a picture of of uh janelle monet riding a unicorn yeah and uh joker doing a dab we got four of these we're gonna have to get each of them to save or check if the doodler is rabid or not rabid but hopefully we don't have to kill it and we'll start in our world and you don't know where the other three are yet i don't okay but that's a good start good start that's a good start that's the positivity i'm looking for and we all put our heads together there's nothing

we can't accomplish maybe like when we were like our grand step parents that was the case they all work together fine but no we can never maybe it's maybe it's me you're saying is that what you're saying saying what no i'm saying like whatever oh i'm normal i i've just come up with something about the whole group that i think is true. Whatever. I do think that it's true because I respect everyone here and you too. And you know what? You're great. And you know,

we're going to do a great job together. Are you okay, Scary? I mean, obviously not. Do you want to talk? Yeah. I mean, how much time you got? I got as much time as you want to talk for. If you see right here, there's a little sub menu of side quests, and I put talk to scary, and it's not checked yet, so why don't we talk to you?

Let's check the box. It's objective. So what's up? Okay, so I'm alone, so alone, and everything is dark. Herman, you're taking notes. Yep, I got alone, and then under that sub bullet, alone, and then dark. Herman, you're taking notes. Yep. I got alone, and then under that sub-bullet, alone, and then dark. Yeah, and nobody understands me.

And I am so misunderstood. What do you wish they understood about you? Well, I don't really wish that. You know what? Let's agree to disagree. Okay. And then let's go back to... Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. It feels like you're maybe on your way to a moment there, so we can keep talking if you want to talk. No, clearly my issues are so deep-seated that talking about them wouldn't fix them, unfortunately. Maybe too shallow to get at those deep seated issues of yours. Yes. I mean,

I can't believe I'm agreeing with you, but yeah. Oh, she's coming around to finally, that's why you play the long game. Hermes says tapping his self. Yeah. Can you not?

Wow. Just be a little less. Wow. I'm sorry little less. Wow. Just what? Link? I'm sorry. I just found out that my parents aren't my parents, and now you're trying to pull rank on me?

Well, no. Okay. No, I... Here, check mark. We did it. We did it. The high ground is, once again, Hermes. Okay.

Let's get... Look, we got a lot to do. We don't need... Do we check off that objective, though, as a completionist? We need to check off that objective. Scary, you're a leader. Should we... Let's get going, right?

Maybe we should long rest first. We could always long rest on the way back to the portal. Oh, yeah, we could. Oh, my God. Okay. I mean, yeah, we could. Oh, my God. Yeah, let's just get going, I guess.

All right. Well, Dad, let's go. And before you object and say, oh, no, I don't want to go. You know, the Wi-Fi here sucks. It'll be better at home. So, you know, let's get on. Let's, you's you know get your game pick up your game and let's go i'm playing a single player on my hard drive version of fortnite yeah well there's a new update or something i don't know he narrows his eyes he's like you're probably right i know you just guessed

and you made that up you're probably right they update fortnite constantly that's why it's still the most popular video game in the world all right so you head back and we long rest and you long rest and everybody gets to level up fucking finally so are we six now some of you are six i'll roll an encounter table encounter table i roll on the encounter table and uh you rolled well so uh unfortunately, nothing of particular note happens. Thank goodness. You see in the distance some really cool combat that might have happened, but you just managed to

swerve around. Yeah, the cat avoids it. So you are back at the portal to your world, to the Forgotten Realms. Wait, hold on. It takes two weeks though, right? Yeah, it'll take two weeks to get back.

So we're going to be in here for two weeks. So if you have to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom now. I'm wrapping a cloth diaper around myself. Guys, it's going to be two weeks. You don't know what it's going to be like in there. Yeah, all right.

So if there's anyone else who's going to put diapers on. This is our last chance to get some fresh air in the doodler world. Stretch, stretch, stretch. If you want to stretch out, if there's anything you want from here, go ahead and get it, because, yeah, it's going to be a long two weeks. I thrive on the stagnant air of non-fresh air.

Taylor, you are our official, you're the survival person, right? This is your thing. Ah, yes, we have a two-week jaunt. Come on, we've got to embrace what makes us different, makes us stronger, and you're... Thank you, Link. That's what I've been saying, Scary. We're all different, and that's what makes us different, makes us stronger. And you're- Thank you, Link. That's what I've been saying, Scary.

We're all different, and that's what makes us a cool team. Dear diary, they keep telling me that what makes us different makes us stronger, but they don't understand. What's the point of a diary if you read out loud? We hear you. Well, I'm just saying that I'm writing in my diary, so it's a very private thing. Okay, what else? Okay.

All right. So when it comes to survival mechanisms rationing we're all rationing right now they tell me to ration but they're not rational what water everybody gets a little bit okay okay wow but not on this boy that's my nephew all right i drink a little bit of water as a lot of water falls down my cheeks in the form of tears. Nope, nope, nope. You don't want that. That's not good.

You're going to dehydrate if you do that, Scarrett. Dehydrate, Scarrett. So everyone, let's make sure. So Taylor, make sure everyone has the right amount of water and right amount of calzones. Now we're on a strict rationing system. Now for entertainment.

Wait, we still have the calzones? Yeah, they're in the back. Yeah, they're still in the back. All of us get inside the calzone. We can eat from the inside. Yeah, how old are these calzones? I like a couple days. Yeah.

Link, you don't need to be inside food. I'm already in. It's nice and warm. Feels good. It is room temperature at best. And then also specifically,

there's one very important thing, which is morale. Morale is the most important thing for survival. What are we going to do for entertainment? Oh, that's great. I have a bunch of fun games we can play.

And there's story games where we can all take turns telling a story together. They keep talking about morale when morally they're ambiguous. I am a little worried about scary. I'm just going to do over the next two weeks. That last couple didn't even really make sense. Those entries are not going to work well in the future. Yes, you're right. You're right.

You're right. You're right. You know what we could do is two weeks is almost a perfect amount of time to rehearse and mount a little production. We could do a little play, put Scary's mind off it, get her head in a character. We could do a play. You know what we could also do is play Dungeons and Dragons. Ooh, I like that idea. We could all play characters.

We can do like a little two weekweek mini campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and we can play Dungeons & Dragons together. That's great, but who's going to be the DM? Huh? Who's going to be the DM? Well, that'll be scary, of course. Scary. You want to be the dungeon master,

like the master of the dungeons? That's so dark and cool to you. Oh, dungeon master. Like maybe if you'd be able to express all your darkness, you'd be in charge of the world finally, and maybe we'd all understand you a little bit better. Yeah. You guys will have another thing coming.

You don't know what I'm going to plan. Oh, my God. I'm so excited for this two-week adventure. We're about to go on. Really excited to see what this portal's like. Hands in the middle, everyone. Okay. Dad, can you look up from your game for just a second?

I'm in the middle of it. No, just pause it. I'm in a cutscene and I don't know if pressing start will skip it or pause it. What cutscene? Is that just Channing Tatum riding a unicorn with Janelle Monae? Like, what's going on over there? They added a lot of singer play content to Fortnite. I told you.

I gotta help Channing. I gotta channing get where he needs to go the magic is inside me so he he puts out a hand while continuing to look at his phone all right all right all right let's go what's the cheer oh yeah gosh a cheer um one two three we're all great one two three let's be great i'll work on it okay yeah bye everyone i mean let's all go i'm just so excited we're doing something as a group i'm gonna get to hang out for a little bit okay the cat leaps into the invisible hole between dimensions and uh the world around you i know i know we're in the gap but the way this was all staged felt like we're standing from the portal so i think had to do the cat just to let you there. It was so tiring.

That just fucking jumped in. They were like, oh, the cat went in front of us. No, you're in the cat. So yeah, you go through. You were surrounded by a purple shifting malodorous void. Yeah, you have two weeks to spend, I guess, playing Dungeons and

Dragons. So my character... Oh, it actually takes two weeks. It really does. My character's going to be a necromancer named Melodorus Void. It's the thing I said. I'm going to be... I want to be a soccer player with cool knives,

and I'm going to be... Blink! Blink? He's like a robot. Blink Wilson. And I got knives. This campaign is all about the small things. This one's easy.

Meet Ronan Blade. Ronan Blade is a masterless samurai. He's already at level 20. I want to be clear. He's already at level 20. No, I get to make all the rules up. Yeah, this is scary. And I say that you're level five.

Okay, all right. Okay, what level am I? You're at level six. Okay, so wait. I was the one who gave you the idea to do a super fun thing where you get to be the center of attention. You're also a level six.

Yeah. Okay. Just so you guys know. Wait, what about your dad? Mr. Wilson, are you playing with us? No, I'm good. That's fine. He doesn't need to play.

This is pretty cool. What's your character? My character? What am I afraid of? What scares me the most? So I imagine a man, erudite in nature, handsome in the daylight. No, fuck. But at night, what happens?

No, fuck. He becomes vengeance incarnate. He becomes force unleashed. He becomes the bat. I guess that's okay. I didn't finish, but my whole thing was I was a soccer player by day and then like Batman at night. You know what? There's room for two Batman.

There's room for two characters to be kind of similar. There's room for two Batman. Yeah, there could characters to be kind of similar There's room for two Batman Yeah, there could be two Batman That's cool You could be my boy Ward Well, maybe we like have different parts of the city and there's kind of like

a rivalry between us Yeah, like I'm uptown Batman and you're downtown Batman Well, okay We could decide who's Batman And then like sometimes He's a Batman in an uptown world

And then sometimes the job's like Oh, we need two Bat guys for this one And he's like Oh, hey, I'm in a middle of my soccer game, so you can do it. Stopping all of the joker guys. So you can't interrupt me, but I'm going to give us a count of three. Who is straight in the air?

Who's loose cannon? One, two, three, loose cannon. Yes! Go! Yes! This is going to be a fun two weeks. Wait, we're probably not that similar, but my whole thing is that I'm really kind of grumpy and mean, but on the inside, I'm just broken.

I'm just like, I just need somebody to understand. You just described the loose cannon, which I already decided I am. All right, it's fine. All right, scary. Come with me, boy ward. Scary, this is your chance to shine. Take us away. Okay, it's Christmas time, and you're in a tavern.

Ronan Blade sharpens his blade. No, you don't. What? What? That's all you need. No, that's all you need. Wake up. This is great. The strong authorial hand that this story needs.

Continue, please, Gary. There's a mysterious figure in the corner. It's a woman. Don't approach her to do anything creepy or anything. Why are you looking at me? I'm just hanging above her like a bat, staring straight at her. No, you don't. I'm blinking.

How is it funny twice? How is it just as funny the second time? You go up and ask her how she feels. Wait, which one of us? You do. Okay, how do you feel? She says something like... Can she be sad? No, she's not sad.

Okay. She's like, I feel so great. Oh, that's great. I need to go on a mission to help my sister who's not great. She's very far away over on the other side of the tavern. Can I do that, Scary? Can I go to the other side of the tavern? Roll.

What do I roll? A dice. Any dice? A dice. Any dice? Any dice. I don't have a dice. Can I just think of a number? I've carved these dice out of hardened bits of cheese. Here's a D20, my friend.

Can I just think of a number? Roll the cheese dice. No, you have to roll. Okay. I got... I don't like this number, though. What did you get? It's an unlucky number.

What is it? It's a four. Okay. You go to the other side of the table. Chinese football? Wait, wait, wait. Let's have a family members at B if my dad's got another kid. What is it? It's a four. Okay, you go to the other side of the table. Chinese folklore? Wait, wait, wait. My family members would be if my dad's got another kid. I don't like that number.

It is an unlucky number in Chinese. Oh. Well, they know what they're talking about. Dear listener, you had an episode with lore and all that shit. The world has to rebalance itself. You don't get to complain about this. All right, I got a four. I got a four scary.

Oh, Beth is getting out a pen and paper. This is getting serious. Okay, you go over to the other side of the tavern. The person who's also in a hooded thing says, you must have met my sister. Oh, yeah. We did. We did.

Wait, no. I grab her by the scruff of her thing, and I say, give us the answers. Watch out. He's a loose cannon. Okay. Thank you. But so am I. Oh, no.

No time. No time. Fuck. Sorry. I just got to do a couple more DMs. DM planning. It's really hard to be the DM, guys. Meanwhile, Malodorous Void is going to go up to the barkeep and plink down a couple of gold coins and say,

do you have any, what's going on in these parts? Tell me a little bit about the world that I'm in. So you hear from the back, Grant, go, hey. Hey, is there a problem, Mr. Wilson? I'm just, there was a Dungeons & Dragons module in Fortnite, and I know that the way you ask about that kind of stuff is you don't just ask for exposition. You, like, add a story hook.

Look, it would be like this. So imagine a character. Imagine, like, Channing Tatum. Imagine a character that looks like Channing Tatum and he walks up to the bar and he scooches in into the circle with you and he goes,

and Channing Tatum walks up to the bartender and he says, I've got a bounty to turn in. Where do I turn in my bounty? And there's somebody I'm pulling behind me

with a rope. And what does the bartender say? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Okay. I was doing my DM notes. Yeah. Yeah, we knew the scariest game.

You can play next round if you want. Yeah. I can't play? All right. You're not right now. It's just like I've only got, like I designed this

like complex DM plan but it's only for four players right now. Okay, fine. Yeah, we asked if you wanted to play and you said no. So you gotta live with that now. Okay, fine. Yeah, we asked if you wanted to play, and you said no. And you said no. So you got to live with that decision. Okay, fine.

You can play next round, like I said. I'm going to hand out. So you can't indicate him to burst into flames and die. It's fine, fine. And he goes and he sits down. He plays Fortnite again, but, like, with his arms crossed harder. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to hand out pieces of paper,

and don't open them until... Beth really has pieces of paper. And don't open them until I say you can, okay? Yes. Okay. Wow. Oh my gosh, Gary, this looks so fun. You're really coming into your own.

This is really great. She really is in charge. Beth is, in fact, walking around in the hand of everyone to fold the pieces of paper. Because they don't look at it. They don't look at it. Normal, you're not supposed to look at it yet. I didn't look at it. I didn't look at it.

Will looked at it, but Normal didn't look at it. It's funny, though, right? It's not scary. This is like, I don't really act. This is making me feel really vulnerable. I'm sorry, Scary. I just got so excited by seeing you express yourself with arts and crafts and the power of storytelling that I went ahead and looked.

Is that okay? Okay. So all of a sudden, a big monster comes in, and it's- Is it scary? Yeah. I looked at it, too. I'm going to pretend I didn't, but I don't like where this is going. Okay.

I didn't look, Scary. I'm with you. So what's your character's name? Blink. Blink. Okay, so you can- I run away. I run away. So you can go ahead-. Okay. I didn't look, Jerry. So what's your character's name? Blink. Blink. Okay, so you can go- I run away. So you can go ahead-

I told you I'd be where I am. No, you don't. You can go ahead and open the piece of paper. And what happens when you see the monster? It says I die. You die. Okay, you die. Okay, so Ernie, you're next.

Looks like I am definitely the loose cannon now. Okay, what do you do when you see the monster? I open the paper yeah I die okay so so normal um what's your

character's name my character's name is malodorous void and I'm a bounty hunter and I have a cool bounty with me that I'm looking to turn in

okay so roll um roll fighting you can't die you're the only one that's left alive man

wait what are you doing oh yeah sorry Taylor's here oh yeah what are you again Ronan Blades peers from the Roll fighting. You can't die. You're the only one that's left alive, man. This is really crucial. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Taylor's here. Oh, yeah. What are you again? Ronan Blade.

Oh, that's right. Peers from the ship. Oh, I got a four. Is that bad? Scary? Yeah. Well, okay. So you don't get to do your next action, I decided. Okay.

So we're going to skip your turn. Okay. So Taylor, what's your character's name? Ronan Blade. Okay. So open your paper. Ronan Blade takes a step back and draws his sword the steel glinting in the way i die wait wait that's not fair no no no wait wait maybe it's i roll a die you die oh

that's true he's just interpreting what you wrote down yeah yeah yeah okay so roll so roll all right all right all right i take the piece of cheese and i roll it. Three. Okay, so you die. What? Wait, scary, scary. He has his hand up. Yeah. Can I say something cool before I die? Yeah, yeah.

Wait, we could do that? No. Ronan Blade in his dying breath looks at all of everyone in the tavern and says, I guess the secret to my family's hidden treasure. This is taking too long. I guess the secret to my family's hidden treasure. This is taking too long. So anyways, that's D&D. I mean.

What happened to Melodius? Oh, he died. Oh, man. It's like you didn't really see that part because it happened like off screen or whatever. How did my team do without me? They did fine. Oh. Ahead of the cat bus, the purple void makes way for a bright piercing light.

And the world opens up in front of you. And you find yourselves suddenly on solid ground. There's a judder and a shudder as the cat lands on its feet on solid ground. And you are once again at the bottom of the daddy's dungeon. Patty's dungeon. Standing there, uh, holding a clipboard is may hails. And next to her fighting off two weird,

uh, doodler eyes looking people is Willie. Willie grabs one around the neck and like does a suplex and like smashes his body and his body explodes and grabs the other one and punches him in the head and his head snaps back or whatever. He's we good. May. Yeah. There's nobody punches him in the head and his head snaps back or whatever. We good, May? And he's like, yeah, there's nobody else left. Yeah, he's shirtless. He looks great. And May's like, yeah, it looks like, oh, oh, you're here!

And she's like, whoa, you're back! And, oh, Grant's here! And, okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody. How's everything going? It was a weird two weeks. We played Dungeons and Dragons for five minutes and then we just kind of sat around in silence afterwards for two weeks. I was drawing all this fan art for my character, Ronan Blade.

I'm scary. I hope you don't mind. I actually did like a sort of side adventure with everybody. What? It was great. It was a prequel.

It was like a prequel. We just kind of felt like We played as dogs. You know, you didn't, you kind of just killed us all so I was like, what would happen if we went to the afterlife?

But I'm sorry. Yeah, okay. Also, we kept asking you if you wanted to play and you just kept saying, pfft, and writing. So there was a whole two weeks of stuff that we didn't get into that was really character-centric. Well, I have, like, so many lyrics now for my band

once I get the band back together. Or, like, together. Well, so it's been a pretty productive two weeks, I gotta say. I finished my manga. So how are you doing, April Miswell? That's what I called you so that the people didn't know I was talking to you. Willie's like

i'm good just been fucking dealing with the whole war with the mayor and shit they just invaded the daddies but i i think i think we're good but i'm glad you came back when you did wait may what why are you talking to willie you had him in prison before and he's like yeah i did he seemed shady and stuff but like ever since the mayor attacked he like saved my life and all your parents lives and stuff and like we've sort of been in a big old war situation. And he's been doing a pretty good job, generally speaking. And so he's like, I've sort of been treating him as my boss, sort of as the head of daddy's. So I've just kind of been doing whatever he wants.

And actually, there's some great news on that front. So you remember there were all those rooms in the dungeon with all the items and stuff like that. And the keys and the money and all that stuff that seemed like it was going to be really important. And we kind of forgot about it. Willie just like picked the locks on all the doors. So you now have access to all of the items. So if you guys check discord, I just sent you a link to the Patreon submission form. So you get a free run of once per episode, you get to choose one patron submitted item.

Oh my God. I get veto in case it's like really crazy overpowered. But once per episode, you can just pick something out of here from the open rooms and daddies and add it to your there's so many items in here yeah oh my god yeah this is a real like this you've called our buff on this one this is too much yeah it's literally thousands of items so yeah we've got all kinds of stuff we can do to take down the doodler and so willie's like yeah uh well thank you uh mr uh stampler but um oh god fucking willie oh you fucking and he like moves forward as if he's gonna hit willie and willie doesn't flinch don't do that yeah no violence well maybe i mean like

violence if it's cool but not against willie oh well but we're in charge again now right we're back so we're the bosses uh sure, Willie says. Yeah, why not? You're, yeah. You looked into the doodler's mind, right? Oh, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, T-Naddle, emergency T-Naddle. I don't think we should tell him anything. Yeah, something feels wrong. This reminds me of the time that I was the president of the anime fan club, then Dirk

Biggins took over after a two-week vacation when I went with my mom to Aruba. Okay, what does that have to do with the concert? You don't want to tell Willie that we saw what happened with the doula. I think we should just kind of keep our cards. We all agree with the adults. All of our adults, they suck right now. Like we're doing this ourselves.

Like, and Willie, I know scary. I know you got complicated, but like, I'm not saying that our dads are good, but like, we definitely know Willie's bad.

Like he's definitely super. Yeah, we do. We thought we knew the doula was bad. Yeah. Okay. But like, I guess, well, but we still, I mean, sure. Damn. like he's definitely yeah we do we thought we knew the doodler was bad yeah okay but like i guess well but we still i mean sure damn normal what do you think i gotta think about that one for

a sec uh that's too binary i don't know i'm kind of freaking out right now i was uh okay but we know that willie wants power like we just didn't know anything about the doodler and then we learned more about the doodler and then we discovered like it's not like know anything about the doodler, and then we learned more about the doodler, and then we discovered, like, it's not like we had read the doodler's life story and then, like, concluded. We just knew nothing about it. Now we know about it, but we know a lot about Willie. We did go read his mind, but we're not gonna tell you what we

saw. Yet. We reserve the right to tell or not tell you at a future date, sir. And, uh, we're going to exercise that right. The doodler's good. Huh? The doodler's good. Scary! The doodler's good. That's scary. The doodler's good? What do you mean by good? Well, like, the doodler's like a,

kind of like a cool punk rock chick, you know? Like, she's just like really misunderstood and like the more she like craves love, the more she pushes other people away and she doesn't know how to receive it right, you know? She's just like so misunderstood and edgy and cool. Willie puts his hands to his head and he goes, my that's great that's so good if the doodler's cool and if the doodler's punk rock like you then that means we can communicate with the doodler easier

and like convince it to leave or convince it to you know do that's great that means that you don't you're not gonna have to be like that's so good so how are you gonna how are you gonna kind of what i was been saying yeah that's what we're gonna do but we don't need him the point is that we can to? It's kind of what I've been saying. Yeah, that's what we're going to do. But we don't need him. The point is that we can't trust him. So yeah, we've got a plan to take care of that that we're going to go do. Great. What are you going to go do? How do I help?

Seems like you're doing a good job here, Mr. Stampler. So why don't you keep on stampling and we'll do our thing and you do your thing and neither of the Dwayne show me. That feels weird. Why? You're doing, is the war over? How come your dad got to like follow us to the church of the doodler and like hang out. And then the second, like we meet somebody else, you're like, no, stay here.

People are different from other people. Boy, don't I know it. Hey, I've been like trying to like be supportive of you. But like, I told my dad right away to like go. And like, I know you're like the leader or whatever, but like, I don't know. Every time the three of us come up with something, you just you just ignore us. Like, I get it. This is your dad thing. But like, come on.

Like, we just agreed that we weren't going to tell him. And then you told him like, that's a jerk move. Like, yeah, it is a pretty jerk move. Not a cool way to smile when you said that. That's like, that was a compliment. So Willie sees you arguing amongst yourselves and he puts his hands up and goes, hey, you seem like you're going through a compliment. So Willie sees you arguing amongst yourselves, and he puts his hands up and goes, hey, you seem like you're going through a lot.

Whatever you got to do, that's fine. Things have changed since you last left. It's a little bit of a war zone there. We're still going to- Give us a little executive summary. What are the executives? Yeah, so it's still more or less the world as you know it. There's still, you know, school and businesses and stuff,

but just the amount of random violence being enacted by the mayor and her denizens has gone up a lot. So you haven't been able to take care of the mayor problem is what I'm hearing. No. That's going to show up on your performance review. Oh, that's a really good point. Actually, you know who's really been satisfied with my performance is your mother. That's very good to hear.

She's really the best. Yeah, she is the best. She's the best. What's your favorite thing about her? Why are you saying that so aggressively? It sounds like you have a good relationship with his mom yeah there's nothing wrong with that well because he was coming at me and i thought that it was going to get him to shut up and now i'm misunderstanding his relationship you thought you would insult him by telling him that you and his mother have a nice relationship well

that's beautiful when are you gonna pop the question whoa okay uh well i mean commitment here's the thing when you get a little bit older and you're an adult, you think, you know, this person's a great one, but are they the one? And you don't want to, like, you know, lasso yourself to somebody forever. You're old, though. You're sort of feeling it out.

Yeah, but you're old. I mean, you're as old as you feel, and I feel pretty. I mean, your mom makes me feel pretty young. That's very good, but you're old. And if you're not going to, and then Taylor, like, aggressively snaps forward, like And if you're not gonna and then Taylor aggressively snaps forward like, if you're not gonna lock that shit down then you have no fucking business wasting her time.

You understand me? Willie is like Potential stepdad! Willie's mouth, his jaw just drops. He had prepared how this conversation might go and no version no version of this conversation was even remotely similar to this. You listen to me, you motherfucker.

Literally, that woman is an angel. If you're yanking her chain, I will find you. Taylor, back off. He's never going to be your stepdad. Oh, you two would be brother and sister. No, because he's not my stepdad either. I mean, you're not, are you? No, I think I'm like, if anything, I'm like your great grand step something. Yeah, word, word, word. I don't care what you are. You treat that woman

right. You hear me? Yeah, I will. I'll think about marrying your mom and becoming your dad. Miss Hales, where are our dads though? Like, where is everybody? So May Hales, upon you asking, I was like, what's that mean? What does it mean? I'm not a fan. She grimaces. She does the grimace emoji. That's what that emoji is? That was another another thing the grimace emoji is just a big purple uh willie goes like i gotta i guess i gotta show you it's gonna be weird but like whatever when you say like our dads are you including my other dad no marco's not here okay so he's like fine yeah yeah he's fine um i mean i'm sorry about your dad's whatever's about to happen i'm just it's just very confusing for me because i have dad you've seen that the dungeon is full of a bunch

of open-ass doors because he opened them all and got all this stuff inside, but one of them is closed and nearby, and he goes, let me explain before you freak out. Did you put our dads in there, dude? Let me explain before you freak out. And he opens it up. You see your dad's frozen in time almost with a net and a stun gun.

They're like popsicles. Just my dad in there. I just thought you would appreciate a good pun, man. And you realize that their heads are still able to move, and they go like, oh, kids, kids. Terry Jr. goes, oh, scary, scary. Don't trust him, first of all. And second of all, can we have the son back, please?

Don't trust who? Willie, him. And Willie goes like, yeah, so when they came through, they kicked the crap out of me a little bit, and then they got the stuff they're holding now to sort of capture you when you got back and take the sun. Are you okay? I'm fine. Yeah, it's whatever.

I've been beaten up before. Wait, so they're armed? Those weapons were to be used against us? Sparrow goes, no, no. We were going to use them against Willie and not you. We were going to ask you politely to give us the sun and the tape measure. And that's all that was going to happen. How did you get frozen? What's going on here? Willie's like oh i did that you can just freeze people well i mean

i found an item in here and it was from the head down for a bit and i can unfreeze them and my dad's here too okay but if i do that they're gonna attack you yeah i'm just saying like if we unfreeze them they're the ones that cause like all of our problems i mean i guess if living's our problem well no kind of not though but like we'd be dead without them also i mean i guess if living's our problem she's kind of right oh no kind of not though but like we'd be dead without them also i mean because we wouldn't exist if they hadn't well i mean not your parents but like my dad like i wouldn't be here but our world would be ended yeah but like i mean look this is the whole central thing we're wrestling with right now so i just i mean they're not gonna attack us now mr uh stampler and mr and mr i guess

both mr oaks uh you're not going to attack us now. I mean, my dad's here and he's not attacking us. And we got the sun and, you know, he'll explain that we're doing it our way now. We're not going to give them the sun, right? Oh, no. We don't want to. We don't want to do what they want to do. Yeah.

Because we don't trust them. We don't trust any of them. And you're like, oh, let's unfreeze them. And then you didn't laugh at my popsicle joke, even though it's a pop. I just really didn't think it was the right time for a joke, Scary. You know, it was like, let's all play D&D together. And then it was like, oh, I though it's like pop. I just really didn't think it was the right time for a joke, Scary. You know, it was like, let's all play D&D together

and then it was like, oh, I'm going to kill everybody and then, you know, like now you want me to just play along with your bits? You just want me to play along

with your goofs? What about when it was time for, I'm sorry, we're getting off topic. So Lark says like, yes, not trusting us. That's a very smart move. Scary, you're learning.

Good job, Scary. You could learn something from Scary normal. Yeah, you could normal. Dang, Scary. We're being pitted against each other. Willie says, if you want me to unfreeze them, I will.

I'm going to make some distance between me and them before I do so, because I don't want them to try to kill me again, but I'll do it. If that's what you want. We're all in this room? Yeah. How did you freeze them? Is there an item that's here? Yeah, but it was a two-use thing.

Oh, okay. So we can unfreeze them. Or you can freeze another group of people, and then your dads are frozen forever. Let's not do that. Yeah, we're in a moment to confer here. Can we just step outside of the room and talk real quick? Yeah, do whatever you're going to do. All right, don't kill each other.

You wouldn't, right? They can't. I know, but you're not going to kill. I mean, if I was going to kill him, I would have killed him already. But Grant, you're not going to kill anybody, Dad? Grant's like, I think I'm going to kill Willie for sure. Oh, not right now, but not right now i'll give you a second i'll give you a second okay all right we're gonna be right out here okay

yeah let me tell you you can come out to megas okay well now i'm kind of shit which one's my boss which we were your original question we just have a question well he's like it's okay you can hang out all right don't don't listen in we'll be right back okay grant goes wait a minute you're gonna close the door and try to lock it behind you aren't you i mean the doors can't lock you guys are in here just fine they're already frozen what are you talking about dad all right you're gonna be talking okay go ahead and talk all right i closed the door guys okay we're gonna lock them in i don't trust any of these parents right let's just keep it all contained i love it i love it they need to figure their stuff out they need to talk to each other it's too confusing for us they figure it out in there and if they kill each

other i mean i'm mad my dad don't want him to die oh god he won't die he won't die he'll kill willie but they're not gonna kill each other it's like my mom always says sometimes you gotta let your agent be the bad guy and in this case our parents your parents and willie they're like lawyers and agents we just gotta keep them aside let them figure their shit out while we save the world yeah i think we gotta do it our way because otherwise we're going to get confused. And none of us know who's good or bad. And I don't want us to be fighting about who's good or bad. We're going to just focus on our problem.

All right, here we go. We don't trust Willie. Scary doesn't trust our dads. Yeah. I don't know why I'm talking about you in the third person. You're right here. Scary, you don't trust our dads. I don't.

I don't trust our dads either. I don't trust our dads either. I don't trust Willie. I do. So, well, but like work with me here. I've learned and I've learned to trust no one's either. I know you don't trust Willie. I do. So, well, but like, work with me here. I've learned, and I've learned to trust no one.

Okay, so. Not even you. So we just put them in here and let them figure it out? Ms. Taylor's gotta be one of the many thousands of items you said we could have now.

There must be one that just like locks this door. Yeah, I mean, well, there was locks on all the doors that we opened to get to the stuff, so I could just grab

one of those locks. Yeah, you could actually do that. They're really strong though, because they're all strong in there, right? They're all strong in there? But every dad in there is strong in there. They're all strong in there. They're all strong.

Miss Hal, we know this. My dad is really strong, and Willie's a bad guy, so he's probably got some big ideas to do bad things. I'm just saying they could all get out, probably. Just make sure they don't get out. As you know, every dad is strong. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, no, let me look around. You're saying we're okay to grab any item? Mm-hmm. Okay. Hold on one second. Any from that Patreon submission form that I sent you. You get one per episode and I have veto power. I have an item called veto power.

Yeah. It was submitted by user Will C. It allows me to counter. Yeah. It makes me the DM. Ah, well, in that case, then one of the things I think Mayhails finds is an item by Austin Baker. Thank you, Austin.

I think for this episode, the frequency-operated button. It appears like an ordinary electric key fob to a car, but it works on any frequency. It can lock anything with the lock button, unlock anything with the unlock button, open anything that can be perceived as a trunk with the open trunk button, and activate any alarm by hitting the panic button. This feels like some DC rules that balance it. Yes.

But I think that we would lock the door. That's super fun. I think the way to balance it is that we can set it to this one thing, kind of like a garage door opener. So like it's set to this door.

Okay. That way we can't just use it to go open anything. That's a fun balance. I like that. Yeah. But I still like the idea that we can use the open trunk

and the alarm button. Oh yeah, we should give it to Hale so that she can press the alarm button if they ever like break out. Yeah. And we can set the alarm. But Matt, what if we come across a trunk what oh in one of our many

adventures that we go on the podcast dungeons and dad what if you meet an elephant oh i thought we were i thought we were saying it was bounce but it could only be used for this one door that we're setting up this door isn't a trunk it doesn't have an alarm the unlock thing can be just attuned to the store but i like that idea that it's att. Every single button has to be attuned to one thing. You can bond it with one trunk. Okay. Which is how most trunk buttons work. Which is exactly how it works, in fact, yes.

We want to use the frequency operated button to beep beep, lock the door. Okay, yeah. It makes that noise, beep beep, and you hear the bolt slam shut in the door and then pounding on it from Grant going, God, that's exactly what I thought you were going to do it yeah welcome to lying town mister just the same thing to me so like there you go so you have to open up this door i'm gonna be very angry i'm there's a good

chance that willie might kill me or that i might kill him if we're in here together and willie goes yeah man i might kill him i'm trying not to but like no no promises i'm looking if you hey get your ears get up here can you hear me i mean we could never not hear you you're shouting yeah okay well okay well attitude coming okay well inside the locked door exactly yeah yeah big words for people who came and touched me buddy hey how you like it in there tell you what tell you what you two aren't gonna kill each other because if one of you kills the other one you ain't never getting out of here never we're never letting you out so you two all of you stay in here and you talk to each other you figure out your your shit you figure it out

because us four i mean we haven't done a great job but we're trying like we gotta figure this out and you guys are making it hard and by the way uncle lark we're not gonna kill the doodler so suck my face i mean don't do that that's weird but whoa whoa what do you mean you're gonna kill the doodler what the fuck It's just a sad teenager, man. We gotta help it. We're gonna help the doula. You idiot. Oh, God damn it. Fuck. This is on you, Sparrow, for being too nice. That's not on me. He has

a big heart, and he's using his heart instead of his head, but you'll come around. You'll come around, but yeah, no, we can't. We gotta destroy this thing, my sweet child, but I give you the grace and the time to figure that out on your own. Well, that's condescending, but nice. So I'm a little less angry at you.

But look, we're just, you guys are in there. We're out here. We're on the adventure now. We're not listening to any more of your advice. This is our big teenage rebellion moment. You're going to deal with it. I'm going to go tell dad that you're fine. You're on, you're on a work trip.

And you stay in there and you think about, because I'm mad at you. And it's cathartic that I don't have to see your face when I tell you I am disappointed. Willie says, if you don't let me out, I'm going to use the other freeze on Grant. I mean. And no one will ever get unfrozen and all of your dads will be frozen forever. I mean, then you're going to be in this room forever, dude. Yeah. I'll find a way out.

All I have to do is rest and get more spell slots. We'll find a way to unfreeze them. Yeah, you might. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. You stay in there. We'll figureze them. Yeah, you might. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. You stay in there. We'll figure it out.

No, you got me there. Okay. I'll think about it. I mean, don't. He's not going to kill my dad, right? Do you want to like, should we get Grant Hauser? All I'm saying is. What's the big deal if he does?

Oh, I mean, that'd be the worst thing ever. It's scary. And I think you have a lot to think about. That's your reaction to one of your friend's dad's dying. It's a wild thing to say to me. I do think that if he was going to kill these dads he would have done it right away when we weren't here yeah it would have been way easier oh yeah if he's as bad as they say then he would have easily killed them and overpowered them like you know weeks ago maybe we do a little bit of parenting ourselves a little bit of reverse psychology trying this

on the first highest guys let me try this hey dads you guys are right you know what you're in charge you guys are the manager so you stay here behind your desk doing your desk job and us little workers will go out and solve things and fix things and we'll come back and report to you you big dads you you you four in charge you two just stay at the office mayhill will bring you drinks and food anything you want and we're just we're just doing whatever you say so give us a mission and we'll go out and we do it and i wink at the other three okay so terry says your first mission is to unfreeze us and let us out of this room got it we'll figure it out we're gonna go and find a solution the door got jammed it's not working everybody rolled you two roll deception taylor

and link roll deception you want to fight a 16 plus 3 19 motherfucker? Oh, okay. That's what Taylor, you know what it is? After all this time, Taylor's learning how to lie. Taking that little bit after his old man. He's a real old man. He's inching closer to the wrong room motherfucker. I got a 19.

Wow, two 19s. Without a plus natural. Double 19s, dude. So Sparrow's like, see, you just have to give them the respect and the space they need and then they come around. See, you catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar, Lark.

And Lark's like, shut the fuck up about honey and vinegar. I'm so fucking sick of that metaphor. Jesus. Grant and Willie just bust it down. Also, Dad, honey isn't vegan, so you shouldn't be using it to catch flies.

And you shouldn't be trying to catch flies anyway because we're not about that. I know, but it's a good metaphor. I can't think of a vegan friend. You plant less trees with piss than with seeds.

You know what? That's not bad. They both come from the same hole. I'm learning so much from you today, Normal. Grant's like, okay, well, I'll put my shoulder into this thing. God. All right, Willie, on the count of three, we're going to shoulder this thing down, you piece of shit. If you try anything, I'm going to fucking annoy you. I'm going to fucking kill you.

All right. One, two, three, and they slam their shoulders against the door, and it shutters. One, two, three, and they just do it again, and it shutters a little bit more. What's so scary? I just don't think they're going to get out. Yeah, hopefully not. Meanwhile, you see Taylor shoving a chair. It's just like a

line of chairs. It's like a domino of chairs. Because you see that? You ever try shoving a chair into a door? Yeah, but my doors open the wrong direction, like Big Lebowski, so it never worked. Oh, wow. I have another idea. Get a little farther away from the door so they can't hear. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I don't want my dad to die or any of Willie. I don't want anybody to die right now. Even Willie. We got to give them something to do. So normal. They don't know my dad to die or any of willie i don't want anybody to die right now even willie we gotta give them something to do so normal they don't know what you saw we just need to give them some sort of like impossible puzzle that all they'll figure out like some sort of equation or something you saw in that dude they'll be like hey help us out with this riddle

and that will stop them from killing each other because they're all gonna work they're all gonna did someone say and he turns around and he turns around. And he's wearing a bowler with a question mark on it. Riddle? Yeah, Hermia, you're super smart at coming up with this kind of stuff. Like, we just need, like, kind of a brain teaser to really just make them think. Like, just get them chasing their own tails in there a little bit.

You know what I mean? Normal will say, like, oh, like, in the vortex of the doodler, I saw, like, these numbers, and they made an equation to me. And I think that's the key. And, like, they'll work really hard to figure it out, right? Yeah. I have the perfect riddle worry not and he and he leans up against the door and he goes I fly through the air I crunch in your mouth and I keep a little baby pig warm what is it oh so just for a context guys the reason he told you that I had the doodler asked me that and he if you know that, you'll know how to defeat me. So figure that out.

Go ahead and roll deception. Oh, I have 19. Jesus! Wow! It's so much easier to lie when you're a prince and you don't have to look at them. Yeah, so they say that. Wait, you found out that, okay,

so we just have to get inside the doodler's head and, like, confuse him with a riddle. Oh, he's like a computer, where, like, we can do a paradox to him or something, and that'll short him out. Oh, good job. Wow, he found another way. Lark, is that what you saw inside the doodler's mind?

Lark's like, that's not what I saw, but like, I guess, I guess it's possible I missed something. I think he wants you to figure that riddle out. Although maybe,

it's open to interpretation. Maybe the riddle itself is a riddle. Anyway, we need all you guys to figure that out while we go do the thing you said for us to do.

To find a way to open the door that we just locked. The what? To find the thing, the door that jammed. We're going to fix it. Okay. Grant goes like,

all right, well, we'll be working on that rid're going to fix it. Okay. Grant goes like, all right, well, we'll be working on that, that riddle in here, I guess. And Lily's like, fucking pig skin. Fucking hate riddles.

But yeah, they seem to be mulling over that. Okay, so now what? Their minds are occupied. We got to go bust these anchors out

and free the doodler. Their bodies are occupied. Yes, we're free to... Whoa. Do you understand that this is complete unsupervised time for us as teenagers? Yeah, we were standing right next to Miss Haley. Don't you understand that there's no adults around

for us anymore? Nobody to get in our way. Nobody to say, that's not a good idea. We do whatever we want. There's so many things I want to see if they set on fire. That's not a good idea. Yeah, do whatever we want. There's so many things I want to see if they set on fire. That's not a good idea. Yeah, no. I got these Strike Anywhere matches

and I always wondered, is it really anywhere? No, Taylor, focus. Focus, Taylor. Normal searches within himself to see if he can find the location of the first doodler anchor on this plane.

Normal, give me an arcana roll to see if you can follow that vibe inside of you. Follow your butt, dude. I got a nine. Okay, so you know generally where it is, which is Teen High, but you don't know specifically where it is within Teen High. This is why I hate that we have a campus that's 20,000 acres.

Teen High is in peril. We must delight on our journey. Make haste. We got to go back to school. Do we know where the anchor's going to be? It's just going to be like his feelings? Oh, no, we're going to figure it out when we get there. Look, Teen High's in danger. we know where the anchor's gonna be it's just gonna be like oh hopefully we'll figure oh no we're gonna figure it out when we get there

look teen eyes in danger that's where the anchor is that means the doodler's connected to that place okay doodler you want me to call an uber should we say doodlers

the normal's already running oh doodlers I run after normal the pussy wagon is waiting for you in the parking lot yeah exactly with the vehicle

they just run away me and scare scare you you wanna ride yeah hey herbie we're gonna all just take a ride in the thing okay well Yeah, exactly. With a vehicle steer? They just run away, me and Scare, like, Scare, you want a ride? Yeah, let's do it. Hey, Hermie, we're gonna all just take a ride in the thing.

Okay, well, I'm gonna stay here and melt their brains with a few more sprites from the aliens. Anytime they get close, add another riddle. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I will keep their minds occupied and their knowledge of your whereabouts in shadow. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my character's following me out of the

game oh no so you run back into the cat bus uh who then bounds up the dungeon and through the stairwell past the psychic whale and back onto the street and then you head back to teen high they had just like the end of the lord of the rings we march in having changed having gone through war we walk straight into Sonics. No problems whatsoever. No fake ID needed. We walk straight up with the fucking eyes of people who have gone through war. We say, I'll take a double ding-a-ling-dong. Thank you very much.

The barkeep is like washing a glass, looks as we walk in, and just nods, bro. He's like, can I see an eye? And then when he realizes the only ID he needs is the far off distant look in your eyes. And he fucking slides a dangling dog across the fucking. We're looking around and we're like, everyone else is just fucking smiling, taking selfies with a naked Sonic. And we just look at each other just like, you know. Chase Lawson, we've been here.

The guy realizes there's still a picture that's like, do not let these people in. Yeah, yeah. He's like, wait a second. These are the guys who came in and rammed a car into the front of the fucking thing. Like literally a week ago. Yeah, it was not very long ago. I'm calling the cops

and he picks up the phone. You see that happening blurrily in the background but meanwhile, Link and I were just like, you know, maybe we changed. You know?

At least we got food. So you head to Teen High and the second you get to the Teen High parking lot normal, you feel the specificity of that emotion attached to that anchor

starts to pull at you. You feel the fear of loneliness. you feel the fear of being left alone and it pulls on your chest like somebody grabbing you by the shirt and just yanking you along and you feel yourself getting pulled into the faculty office and you feel yourself getting pulled to one particular door and on you know that on the other side of the door the anchor is there guys i think whatever we're here to face i'm amazed that they let us into the faculty room. We're going to get in so much trouble if they find out we're in here. But I do feel like whatever we're about to square off against is on the other side of this door. So I know things have been

weird. I know that the two weeks that I thought was going to be a fun bonding experience didn't really go that well. And so I'm just saying right now, when we start over, there's a fresh chance for us all to work together and face whatever's on the other side of this thing together does that sound good in that moment the door busts open and you see inside all the faculty in there for a faculty meeting which is why they allowed you in the room and uh the the door is busted open because this is the principal's office and tony pepperoni is holding the door he goes what the hell's wrong with you guys why are you talking outside and in that moment, you feel that the anchor is Anthony Pepperoni. What?

We got killed Tony Pepperoni? Oh no, that's a spicy meatball. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves Used to tell myself it'll be alright pretty lies that we sleep at night

I know that no one knows me better than myself and I know I'll get this right it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak.

Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeds provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

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Really?