Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 25 - Stand and Delivery

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

The teens tackle Principal Tony Pepperoni's loneliness. This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. I'm a bard and so what could we do? Yesterday we said bye Hermie And it'll still be a waste So we see if we're worthy Tickety Tony the pepperoni You got an anchor Cause you're sad and lonely Playing Fortnite with Grand Will's son We're on the wagon I hear those offline moaning

This one like Willie Stapler I'm a bad man Like Lincoln Batman Like Ronan Blade I am a samurai Like Gary Gygax I throw 20s Wait I don't have D's

I guess I gotta make some cheesy diet Hermie's gonna hang back With our dads He's gonna scam I'm really bad Just so those rumors don't always ruin all our big schemes. Gotta get Hattun Amy Coutures, cause that cartoon has got that boom vocaloid voice that gives Taylor a swift D. How can I help it if you think my uncle is my dad? Trying hard to show a smile, though I feel bad.

I'm the kind of kid who wants to help the doodler. Can't see what I mean, well you soon will. I have a tendency to wear a big head of a teen. I have a history of not washing my shirt. It's been two weeks since we D&D In a crummy campaign, D&I's scary Two weeks since you killed us too Saying you can't do just what you thought you were gonna do

One day since that willy-a-dude Immobilized all of our dads, so what do we do? Yesterday we said bye, hurt me And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy And it'll still be a waste till we see if we're worthy And it'll still be a waste of easy if we're worthy. And it'll still be a waste of easy if we're worthy. Teen High Stadium, home of the teamie. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.

Definitely not a D&D podcast for many reasons. My name is Freddie Wong. Contractually, we have to clarify. It is not a D&D podcast. Not a fucking D&D podcast. No, no. I don't even know what D or D stands for. This has never been a D&D podcast. Never been, right?

NADDPod already exists. We have never been a D&D podcast at any point. People for years have been like, man, you know, has never been a D&D podcast. Never been, right? NADDPod already exists. We have never been a D&D podcast. People for years have been like, man, you know, follow the rules of D&D. It's like, yeah,

because we knew what was fucking coming. We knew what was fucking coming. These Nostradamus. People hated on me when I was hating on D&D, but now I'm...

Now it's cool. Yeah. Watch how Beth's trend sets and the rest of the world fucking catches up. Happy New Year, everyone. It's 2023. We're back for another fucking year of this bullshit. OGL stands for Oh, Good Luck, Wizards of the world fucking catches up. Happy New Year, everyone. It's 2023. We're back for another fucking year of this bullshit.

OGL stands for, oh, good luck, Wizards of the Coast. This is a 1.1 complacent podcast. Complacent? It's not complacent. Compliant. It is also a little complacent. You may be wondering what we are. Here's what we are.

We're a role-playing game podcast where we play a role-playing game where we roll dice. No, this is what it is. This is a story. It has nothing to do with role-playing games. This is like Game of Thrones. This is really all about stories. Just like story.

This is a story about four teens from our world who discovered their world was our world, and now they got to fix it with a little help from their friends. I'm one of the teens. My name is Freddie Wong. OGL is already making the show better Freddie over the break did another

improv D&D thing yes it's like in a JRPG when you send off one of your guys to go train and he comes back with new skills

I feel like Freddie's come back with like new host energy we're like a friend that goes to like a European country they come back and they have a bunch

of new words and accents like that but Freddie went to a new improv land well in France shut the fuck up. We get it. They're trained improv artists

who worked with Freddie. I like to think of it, it's like when different countries send their special forces to the U.S. to learn from the real killers. You know what I'm saying?

And they come back home and they can't turn it off and their family leaves them. So, Freddie, you're a teen on this podcast. I'm a teen on this podcast. I play Taylor Swift, the weeb anime ranger teen of the group happy new year everyone 2023 it's talking

about new year's resolution specifically taylor's new year's resolution taylor's new year's resolution is as follows taylor wants to get more into doing some fan dubs of animes so what he's been doing is like prior to all the events of the season is he was like downloading things off of YouTube downloads. He's like, alright, I'm gonna give this a shot. I'm gonna try my hand in anime voice acting because I have a nepotistic end to the industry.

He's a nepo baby. Nepo baby. Nepo baby Taylor. So then he was like, first things first, time to download some episodes of an anime that I like to dub it over. And then he spent the next four hours trying to figure out which YouTube downloader to use because each one was fake and there was like something on the computer. Lost byware on the computer. So now his mom's computer has lost byware.

You know who the first anime Nepo baby was? Was Gohan. That was good, Will. I actually got that one. Oh, all right. Hey, I'm Will Campos. I'm taking Matt's spot because I got a compliment. New year, new order.

New year, new me. I play Hermie. No, I don't. Let me start over. What? It's been a while. It's been like a month since you recorded. I play Normal Oak.

Normal is a mixed up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. He's figuring himself out. Fun fact about Normal this week. Normal's main career goal, obviously, is to be a mascot. Normal's backup career, like if he can't make it as a mascot, is that he wants to be a therapist. Wow. Because he very incorrectly assumes that it's basically just like being a mascot, but for one person. You know, like you're there, you cheer him up.

People are feeling down. They don't have any energy. You pump them up, you know? I have so much respect for anybody who says to their friends or their family that they're going to be a therapist because you could see everything you need to know about how good a therapist you'll be by the look on their faces.

There's no easier way for your friends to judge you than to say, I'm going to be a therapist. And they're like, oh! Really? Yeah! You are! You! Okay! Therapists have to do that thing where they take therapy first right to do that right like a horse they have to have like good advice

cool hey everybody my name is matthew arnold third place in the podcast now i play lincoln lee wilson no because beth will be first i'm second now we go from worst to best on this podcast sorry will you demoted yourself it's the defcon system yeah yeah he has a list when you read the list so it's the fucking top 10 games of the year they don't do number one first start with it with elden ring you know they work their way up to it my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the school.home soccer kid who's the productive paladin in the group. Also, New Year's resolution. Link has the same New Year's resolution every year and it is that this year

he will not get sick. Works really hard. And he gets really into it. The reason is, one, he can't train for soccer and two, his dad's got to take care of him so he feels like a burden when he's sick. So he's got to work really, really hard not to get sick. He gets sick every January though. So it's a very tough time.

Friends of the podcast, if you look at all the clues Matt's laid out about Link's facts and his backstory, if you trace them all together, you can find out if Link is vaccinated. It's not part of the fact, but Link is the opposite of anti-vax. He's into anything, any 2-H man. He's drinking apple cider. He's drinking the vinegar. The drinking you know the vinegar the favorite thing you drink when you want to not be sick the health food why is there just a bunch of ginseng in here it's like i'm just chewing that on the go like whatever happens like i heard it might help

if he can make it like a plus one to his constitution score for all of this stuff that i have so many vitamins in me yeah you know what mark it on there is lincoln a no tropic stacks yeah he has everything yeah that's the thing is i think if you go into no tropics that's definitely like reducing your ability to fight off certain diseases he sees multivitamins into bitcoin he goes they have multivitamins they have vitamins for him and her he's like well that seems pretty like presumptive he just takes all the vitamins he's like he's like we're all humans i need all the vitamins as an ally like, we're all humans. I need all the vitamins. As an ally, I'm going to take both. He is very dark. He passes through a lot of vitamins. He fucking pisses and glows

at night, dude. Like a nightlight. Okay, hi. I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow. The goth-funk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week. Her least favorite song.

Song she fucking hates. Can't stand it whenever it plays or whenever people sing it. It's the birthday song. People will just join in like sheeple maybe. Oh, nice. And they don't really care about who's at the center of it. Whose birthday it really is. They don't give a fucking shit.

So that's why. Sorry, real quick. Was that they don't give a fuck shit. So that's why. Wait, was that, sorry, real quick. Was that they don't give a fuck and shit or fucking shit? Both. Oh, wow. What about when it's Gary's birthday? Yeah. Yeah.

Does she not like getting sung the song? Well, like, I don't know. Not everybody's singing, so. How does Beth feel about the fact that it's her birthday? It's not my birthday anymore. How does Beth feel about the fact that none of us wished her a birthday yesterday? I felt sad because I care a medium amount about my birthday anymore. How does Beth feel about the fact that none of us wished her a happy birthday yesterday? I felt sad because I care a medium amount about my birthday. Like, I don't have a birthday party, but I do care a medium amount about it.

A real 16 candles situation. Well, we wanted to save it for this podcast. That's right, everybody. Those of you listening at home, join along with us as we wish our co- they'll fuck off. Happy birthday to you. It's Anthony's birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday to you. It's Anthony's birthday tomorrow.

Happy birthday to Anthony and Beth. But Beth not later. Anthony not yet. A lot of parents getting horny in

April. I know at least five people who were born in this week or next week. I know. Fuck time. April showers.

April fools. Oh gross. April fools like rush in. I'm Anthony Burch, apparently the Elden Ring of this podcast. My dad fact is that a couple weeks ago, or a week ago,

I went to open mic to see if I could do some stand-up. I didn't get picked. It was a random draw, or if you were one of the ten people who got there first, you would get in. But everyone should go to an open mic just to see what true confidence looks like. Just, there was a guy who came up, I'm going to change all of the specific things

they said and descriptions of them. So nobody gets too embarrassed if they happen to know these people, but you don't. But a guy came up and every punchline he said was followed by him punching the air and saying kablam. That sounds like a genius. Well, that's the thing is at first it wasn't funny and then he did a holocaust joke and it was especially not funny and then he did it again and it became really funny

and then somebody kept saying that was a punchline you're supposed to laugh like not in a cute way like in an angry way and then they went over their time and as they were leaving the stage they went

I'm gonna be back here every week you all are gonna watch me grow and I was like damn that's kinda cool that's a good line they went I'm gonna be back here every week you all are gonna watch me grow and I was like damn that's kinda cool that's a good line yeah so I'm I'm just gonna be thinking about that

what are you gonna do what were you do you have like actually a thing planned you're trying to grow this skill set basically if you do the laugh factory because the only person I know

who knows anything about Spook Word stuff is Beth so I was like Beth where's stand up comedy and Beth took a break from her busy life to be like oh my god

and googled something well you asked me like about open mics and I only know about poetry open mics. And so it's like- I didn't know if they were the same or different. That would be confidence. Go to a poetry open mic. Poetry and comedy are very different.

Yeah, but a lot of your poetry is genuinely and unironically funny. Thank you. But yeah, no, like a lot of poetry places kind of gatekeep comedians because like, can you imagine a bunch of people burying their soul and then coming in kablam you're gonna watch me grow like a fucking houseplant it's just the way you say it if you just say like kablam kablam you just whisper it kablam

thank you kablam no the laugh factory has you do a tight two and it has to be clean and I was like why does it have to be clean I love that it has to be clean that's awful cause somebody comes up well I found out because somebody came up and immediately just started cursing a lot because they thought that was funny. And I was like, oh, okay. So when we last left you, you had just learned that the first anchor that you needed to find was the anchor of loneliness.

And it had taken the form of Tony Pepperoni, the principal of Teen High. I didn't realize it was the anchor of loneliness and it had taken the form of Tony Pepperoni the principal of teen high I didn't realize it was the anchor of loneliness that's a lot about it I mentioned it kind of offhand I didn't think anybody caught it yeah it's the anchor of loneliness personified and last we saw him was it clear that he was divorced in the middle of the divorce or together but unhappy I think things were heading towards a divorce okay okay for some reason the one line I remember from this whole podcast this season is that he very specifically saw his wife get a text his wife sent him a text message that said dick me down big ralphie and he was like i don't know that's it could be anything man i don't remember that at all four days the phrase big ralphie and then margarita is margarita margarita pizza's daughter okay okay i feel like knowing the family

is gonna be important i feel like our instinct is not just a murder it's a it's a before therapy teens and solve this maybe more creative and also your parents and willie you locked successfully i guess inside the dungeon the daddy's dungeon with a garage door opener type thing. And they are currently in there solving puzzles that Hermie the Unworthy is reciting to them outside the door. As the Riddler. Yes. And then we get items, right? Yes, every week.

We have all vacations to look at every item. You did. Oh, we didn't do that. Oh, I did that. You did that you did that thank you excellent i took a half hour every two days and looked through because it's thousands and thousands of items and my attention span is very short every week you will be able to choose one of our listener submitted items and may hails will get it for you thank you listeners thank

you listeners oh no sorry not listeners patreon supporters listeners don't actually get this benefit i mean some listeners have probably talked to people and made them Patreon. You know what? If you're just listening, you're not getting me sending money. That's fine. Thank you. It's fine. Thank you.

That's fine. It's fine. Thank you. I'll say thank you. I'm not going to be psyched, but it's okay. It's allowed. It's fine. Can I say what item I got?

Happily. So this is an item submitted by Alfonso. It is the baseball cap of shadiness. Item submitted by Alfonso. It is the baseball cap of shadiness. Provides the user with the ability to be perceived by others as a friendly face as long as they pass an insert check here. Okay. It's the baseball cap that Captain America wears during that one part in that one movie.

Yeah, it's the Winter Soldier Captain America baseball cap that immediately makes you blend in wherever you are. You reached out to Mayhails and asked for the shady baseball cap and Mayhails sent it to you direct through an Amazon drone and you now possess it. Nice. When we last left you, you were literally right outside the teacher's lounge office as principal Tony Pepperoni was talking to the rest of the faculty for the beginning of work week sort of pump up speech that he likes to do. It's like when the police chief like has that meeting with all the detectives at the start of the wire. Keep right, keep it down, everybody.

You, you're teaching first grade. You're teaching, yeah, I know. You're teaching second grade. This is the most useless meeting. Why are we doing this every week? What do you want to do now? He's irritated that you interrupted him. What do you want?

What is it? Hey, why are you all teaching? You're supposed to be teaching. It's like 7 a.m. Why are you here? Oh, daylight savings. Oops. No, we're just here early to get a start on the day.

And we thought we would observe the teachers because, you know, teachers are our future, as they always say. You know, they always say children are the future. But, you know, we kids think that the teachers are the future because they teach the children about the future. And you roll deception. You all might be our future because the four of us have started a club about becoming teachers and we're thinking about becoming teachers.

So, like, we want to observe you guys. All right, both of you roll deception. natural 20 baby all right baby i feel like normal's natural 20 just automatically means that follow-up i got 12 so they didn't really listen to me normal is so confident and so charismatic when explaining that teachers are the future that if you so wish they will also believe your lie that you are starting a future teachers of america club yes absolutely they'll give us good like cover for like why we want to follow tony that if you so wish, they will also believe your lie that you are starting a Future Teachers of America club. Yes, absolutely. That'll give us good cover for why we want to follow Tony around and stuff.

We all want to be teachers of America. So yeah, as the principal of the Future Teachers of America club, I suggested that we all should follow you today, Tony Pepperoni. I mean, Mr. Pepperoni. And find out your weaknesses as a teacher. And strengths. And strengths. And maybe the dark contents of your heart,

if that should come up at all in any way. And I thought we would start there. So he's looking at you with like a scowl in his eyes. But one frame, no animation like in an anime. His cheeks just get a little bit red. And he goes, all right. Yeah, you can follow me around. That's fine.

I mean, you need to see how it's done properly. And I'm pretty much the best principal. All right, everybody. He ushers you into the room with all the teachers he goes these are the future teachers of america they're gonna be shadowing me learning how to be a principal so uh you treat them like you treat me with deference silence and respect snickers all around everyone's really excited uh just you know none of us will be in any of your classes today we're going to be following yes to be clear we are assigning ourselves this extra curriculum activity well sometimes i like to drop in and just be sitting in the back and make them really in any of your classes today, we're going to be following him around. Yes, to be clear, we are assigning ourselves this extracurricular activity.

Well, sometimes I like to drop in and just be sitting in the back and make him really nervous. So you might be around with me for a while. Yeah, that sounds fun. Let's do that too. Oh, wait, I gotta focus. Okay, Principal Pepperoni,

we're going to be right back. Okay. Oh. I was all psyched for you to follow me around, but you don't really want to. No, just for two seconds. We all need to go to the bathroom. Leave me alone again.

Yep. No, that sounds about right. Okay, everyone, I kind of take everyone back outside into the break room. Take everyone to Outback Steakhouse. Something in my heart tells me that the anchor is in Tony Pepperoni. So do we kill him? I'm down with killing him.

I don't want to kill. I mean, he's my arch enemy. I kind of hate his guts. So you want to kill him? I don't know. The whole point is to not kill people. The whole thing is to end the violence. Do you think it's like a physical object in him or like metaphorical so again the

doodlers negative emotions have been trapped in anchors across the realms yeah and in him i sense this deep you know i always thought he was just a big jerk but like i'm kind of starting to realize that people got a lot of sides to him and i think he's really lonely like i think the doodlers loneliness is in him so maybe if we can like i don't him out, like, we can expel that dark energy, and that'll break the anchor, and we won't have to kill him. Normally, you can see, even if nobody else can see, like, a red glow kind of emanating from Tony Barbarone, and you can feel in your heart

that this red glow is fear crystallized from the doodler. That may be relevant, like, in 15 episodes, but just, like, this thing you know, fear is red. Okay, 15 episodes, wow. Am thing you know fear is red 15 episodes wow ambitious it may not well there's a very simple answer to this

normal which is that well if he's feeling lonely you can always apply the universal south to loneliness anime

why don't we just get a small curated handpicked selection of the greatest of anime hits and that way we can just play it

for him and then he'll be fine okay I like that do we just need to make him not lonely like I'm not doing anything else I'm just with you way we can just play it for him and then he'll be fine. Okay, I like that. Do we just need to make him not lonely? Like, I'm not doing anything else. I'm just with you guys. We can just hang. Like, just become his best friends.

It's not that kind of loneliness, man. What kind of loneliness? This is scary. What do you think? I don't know. It's like that loneliness, like when you look in the mirror and know that there's nobody who will ever truly know you except yourself and nobody even wants to try. But if you were looking in the mirror and you saw like me behind you,

like, Hey, what's up friend? Like when that change, like you'd be less lonely, right? It's a loneliness when you know that nobody understands. So I think we just got to kind of like,

uh, listen to his problems. Maybe. That's great. That's my favorite thing to do. Therapist, which is almost as good as a mascot. Yeah.

All right, team. I'm feeling good about this. Let's get back in there. Observe and report. We're going to observe. It seems like we're kind of going with this idea of figuring out, but if you want to maybe clue in and see if you can think of an anime

that he likes after we follow him around for a little bit. Yes, yes, yes. Keep that in mind. Like a fine wine sommelier. I will take the correct anime and apply it. Let's also be on the lookout for Margarita. We could ask her questions about her dad and see what's going on. That's true. Yeah, we've got an inside and we can get like his wife to maybe

text him or something yeah this is what i don't understand is it seems like he has everything yeah he's got the respect of the school he's got a job where he gets to interact with kids all day that's fun you know he's got a family he's got a car with doors and wheels. Yes. What is missing in this? So what could be missing for this man? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So you hear from inside the faculty office, three, two, one break.

And then a bunch of really unenthusiastic people can break. And then the doors open and a bunch of the teachers file out. You're doing a great job, guys. You have the best job in the world. You want to be just like you someday. Are you holding up your hands for like high five? Get in there. Get in the game. Good job.

Straight up, one teacher spits in his hand and shakes it and looks you down. Bro. In a good way? You ever did that? No. Wait, what? You know what I'm talking about. Well, like to like PM after a match. Yeah, like there was like a thing when you played soccer and it was like afterwards everyone's

like high-fiving the other team and the other team like if they didn't like you, they'd spit in their hand that's a thing oh no wait what am i the only that's never happened to me but it's happened to a teammate of mine we were always a big fan of the like you do the psych we were gentlemen yeah i respected the post-game handshake yeah never once did anything interesting happen not in the fucking leagues in seattle i'll tell you that much. Damn. Not in JV football. Yeah, he comes out and he puffs up his chest and he goes, alright, so usually what I like to do

at the beginning of the morning, somebody writing this down? Yes, what I like to do is sort of wander around to a random classroom and then just sort of stand in the back, you know, let him know I'm there, keep some morale up, any particular class you want to check out, I usually do it randomly. What classes do you like, Mr. Pepperoni?

Espanol. Espanol. Interesting. What do you like Espanol? Because I don't know it. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, kids. And he leans over.

He goes, I may be a teacher, but in a lot of ways, I'm also a student. I'm a student of life. You never stop being a student. Keep that in mind. I'm writing that down. I'm actually writing that down. That's good. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I know. All right, let's go. As his loneliness. Andiamo, as we say. No, wait, that's. That's good. That's pretty good, yeah. Yeah, no, I know. All right, let's go. As his loneliness... Andiamo, as we say. No, wait, that's not what we say. Shit. Hey, Tony, has anybody told you?

You're just like a... You're a good friend. I already feel less lonely around you. This is a weird feeling. I just... He narrows his eyes and cots his head just like I did right then. And then he gave a real response.

I thought I'd been with you for like a few minutes, but like I already... Real persuasion or deception depending on whether or not you were lying. Link, can you chill? I got a 13. He just puts his hand on your face

and just shoves a little bit and he goes, flattery doesn't work on me. Oh, man. Another great aspect of your personality. Brown nosers never get anywhere. You should know that.

All right, I'm writing that down. All right, right now you look like your face is made of chocolate. Well, not your whole face. That could be offensive. Just your nose. Just your nose looks like it's made of chocolate. I'm not

accusing you of anything else. Let Tony Pepperoni wheel that back a little bit. You look like a brown noser because your nose is in my butt. Nothing racial. That was just me, Willy Wonka. I was just being Willy Wonka. I'm just a Willy Wonka kind of thing. Holy shit. Here's $20.

He just hands you $20. I can't kick down another school district. I'm on a three strikes rule. I have two in. Oh, my God. It's the bottom of the ninth for my career. Let's not tell anybody about that. You know what?

Let's not go to Spanish either. It feels like it's a risky place here. We're going to English. So just regular English, huh? We're just going to, yeah, we're going to English. Unless you want to go to urology. Eagle sounds good. Sounds good.

Principal. Principal and principal, am I right? I leaned over to Scary and said, hey, Scary, it's me normal. What? Look, you know, I was thinking, you ever see that movie Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. You know how they got to use, like, that serial killer guy to catch another serial killer? Yeah.

Well, like, you're really, like, dark and lonely. A serial killer? No, you're, like, dark and lonely. You're saying I'm a serial killer? What do you want from me? I'm just, you know, I thought you'd think that was cool. That is the coolest thing you've ever done. Yeah, you're saying i'm a serial killer what do you want from me i'm just you know i thought you think that was cool coolest thing you've ever done yeah you're like a serial killer and like you're like a badass and you're dark and lonely and like we need to get into his head and he's dark and lonely so i was thinking like do you have any

tips or advice maybe you can like try to get him to open like play mind games with him or something like that that's a good idea because i think he's like a big fan of mine so like me telling him he's a friend like doesn't mean anything maybe Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. Maybe you should take lead on just making him listen and feel good. We've got to get into that dark heart of his. So do you have any- What are topics to bring up to people like you? Just get in there and sort of bust his brain open a little. Okay, okay.

I'll give it a go. So English, huh? Yeah. Sounds like you speak it. I speak it as well. It sucks. But not as much. We're like behind Tony Pepperoni, like giving her thumbs up.

Like, so he's like, good job, you're doing good. He like stops walking to class to turn and face you. He's like, this is going to take all my attention. You know what my favorite part of English is? Is the acronyms, like ISS, in school suspension. Oh yeah, you have a pretty bad attendance record if memory serves. Quite a problem child, you are scary. Hey, why aren't you on the soccer team anymore? Oh, that's a very personal question. Why aren't you with your wife anymore? I'm gonna have Tony roll for psychic damage

Guys I think I'm doing really good Link's already put his hand on Tony's shoulder And giving him like you can tell us He gets a natural 20 Of psychic damage So he His knees buckle underneath him And he just falls down on all fours because

Drag him into like a nearby like Guys give me a hand here. We gotta get out of the hallway before the students come. Scary, great work. That was so cool. Yeah, sure. Grab his legs. The nearest room you pull him into is the former debate classroom

in which Normal's mother was a debate teacher and all the kids got doodlerized by the mayor. And you still see there's viscera on the walls. Not like human viscera, but like doodlerized by the mayor and you still see there's viscera on the walls. Not like human viscera, but like doodler viscera on the walls. You have to like

break through a little bit of caution tape to get in there, but this is where you can be not heard. And he's just, and his just cries are echoing off

the goopy walls. If I want to be where I'm not heard, I can go anywhere in the school. Get it? Ah! Does he accept my hug?

She laughed me. She left me. She left me. Oh, that's a lot. Mr. Tony Pepperoni, what is the thing that you desire most in the world? Is that even an ambiguous question? Don't worry about him. My fucking wife.

My wife left me. Look at her. She probably didn't really leave you, right? He shows you the text, which are just, he never sent her a text correcting her and saying, this is the wrong phone number. So you just see an ascendingly graphic litany of texts about all the things that she wants Ralphie to dick her down, up, and sideways around. And he goes, she's left me for Ralphie.

Another way of thinking about it, it's pretty cool that despite how much she likes this guy Ralphie, she still hasn't left you. So like, that says something, right? Roll persuasion with disadvantage. 13. So 13's not going to do it. He's going to go, no. You know principals make so much fucking money, don't you? She's just trying to suck at the teat of big principal money until she can buy a new place for herself.

Hold on, Mr. Pepperoni. I deserve it. Oh, no. Well, let's not go on. Hold on, Mr. Pepperoni. I deserve it. Oh, no, well, let's not go there. You're telling me that you folks, are you still living together? In a sense. But you feel distant. I mean, she comes home with three of the boarded

stinking of joy and cum. And then I gotta get up a couple hours later, and I'm like, honey, do you need anything? And she's like, no. That's why she sounds just like me. She goes, I've been taken care of quite sufficiently. And so I go, okay. And I wake up Margarita and we go to school in silence.

Oh man. And I get here and I zone out. I just sit in the back of teacher's room so nobody looks at me and I just think about my life and where I went wrong. This is really heavy. This sounds hard. Wow, this is a team huddle. Team huddle, Everyone, just give us one second.

I just want someone to fix me or kill me. You heard him. He wants to be killed. No, no, no. We really bit off a lot here. This is a little out of my depth.

I mean, like in a movie, what would we do? We like set him up with a new girlfriend or something? What do we do? Well, first, I'm just saying

that many, many great animes are about guys with options. So maybe if we get them a bunch of possibilities, maybe we should reach out through our network and find other maybe young, hot, single principals in the area. I just don't, I don't know. I've seen the pictures, but like my understanding is like once you get married, like you love each other. It just stays that way.

So like, I think he's misunderstanding the situation. I know these pictures look pretty bad, but I don't know. I've talked to my dads, and it doesn't sound like a marriage I've heard of. I don't know. I'm freaking out. Tony, just a quick smile. He turns to you. His fucking face is red.

I take a picture of all of his faces. He looks like his face is contorted into agony. His cheeks are fucking red, and there's tears rolling down his face. And I text Miss Hale. I say, interesting question, Mark. Is he like grown up? We know that's like single

here. I got this covered. I take the picture and I upload it to Tinder and I say hot, lonely, lonely, sad, sad man looking to be lonely together. Oh, say he spends all day with kids. What? Say he's with kids all the time. He's good with them.

Say he's with kids all the time. He's good with them. He's good with kids. Don't say he has kids. Say he's with kids all the time. Okay, has no time for you, only with kids. Doesn't that make him hotter? Scary, scary, scary.

Make sure to say he's six feet tall. Six foot one. Wow, okay, good, good, good. Good thinking, good thinking. And has a beard. You can grow a beard, right? Yeah, given enough time. Oh, makes thousands of dollars.

Makes literally thousands of dollars a year. Makes thousands of dollars a year. Drooly emotion face. Emoji. Eggplant. Eggplant emoji. Oh, he's healthy. Dancing twins emoji.

He's a dancer. Yeah. Tony, what are some of your hobbies? Uh. Do you want a tissue? You got like a big snack. No, I want to feel my feelings. I do like to dance when nobody's watching, though.

I like sports. I like sports entertainment. I like all kinds of physical activity, either participating in or watching from a distance. Not with kids. I don't care about kids' sports. That's not a thing for me. I find it boring as hell. Around kids all the time,

but doesn't like watching kids play. Thank you. Yeah, make that bold. Bold. So he knows we're doing this now. Let's dance like... Now he's over your shoulder watching you make his Tinder promo.

Let's dance like nobody's watching, and please don't watch me dance. Say I like to go hiking. I don't, but. Looking for someone to keep up with me while I hike. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay.

All right. Scary, you're really good at this. Tony, you're kind of launching pretty quick into this. You're feeling good, right? We got through all the bad emotions and now we're ready to fix you, right? That's what's going on? Tony looks at you and he's still- Through all the bad emotions and ready to be fixed. So he's smiling now, but his tears are still falling down his face,

and he's trying to force a smile through his pain. He goes, yeah, I'm feeling great. You get a text back from Mayhale saying, to kill, question? Standby. Response is standby. Oh, yeah, Ms. Hill didn't understand. I just text back, are you single?

Mayhale says, you're a kid. Yeah, that's not a picture of me. Yes, I'm single. What are you asking? Why? What is this man? Somebody that you could see possibly dating or spending the rest of your life with link. Give the phone to scary. Okay. Spending the rest of your life with. Link, give the phone to Scary.

Okay. Oh, here, Scary. Oh, no, Michelle's not understanding me. Here you go. Hello? We're texting. We're texting. So you text hello.

She goes, hi. You don't have to say hello. We're texting. Shut up. Never mind. And she just blocks you. Damn. Oh, no.

Why do I need help? Blocked from her phone now. Do you think we should maybe just check in on what the situation is with Ralphie and his wife? Here's what I think. I don't know if we need to attack the Tony problem. Tony, we need to attack this problem from multiple angles. I think this whole Tinder thing, this is a great way for you to see what a cat you are. Because I think you're going to get a bunch of lovely responses.

It's going to do wonders for your self-esteem. But you mentioned something going wrong earlier. You were like, the moment when your life went wrong, what do you think that was? It was, oh, probably after we had Margarita. I didn't give enough time to mind. You got to date your wife, you know? You got to date her.

You got to treat her like a queen. And I let myself get wrapped up in my work and taking care of Margarita. But you just said you do no work here, basically. Let me treat you like a queen. I still managed to get wrapped up in it work and taking care of Margarita. But you just said you do no work here, basically. Let me treat you like a queen. I still manage to get wrapped up in it because I care. Okay. Let me treat you like a queen and wrap you up.

So, Mr. Tony, I'm assuming you don't like your wife getting dick deep by this person named Ralph, right? Ralphie. Ralphie. It's one thing to tell us us but have you told your wife this uh let me explain something to you when you grow up you don't have conversations like that you kind of just look at each other in the distance and sort of make eyes at each other and you don't talk about the stuff that would really hurt because if it really hurts then you have to

break up and I was a future teacher of America I gotta teach you something buddy I think you do have to talk to your wife about that and you do need to communicate you're never too old to communicate I thought it's the opposite I thought I thought as you get older you do have to talk to your wife about that and you do need to communicate. You're never too old to communicate. It's the opposite I thought. I thought as you get older you're supposed to be better at communicating. I guess. Alright, you want me to call her? Okay, I posted your Tinder profile. Sure, do we have to be here for that? Okay, thank you. Yeah, no, you should probably be here for this.

I said I don't know what to say. Okay, yeah, that's great. We'll tell him what to say. Alright. Calling her. Ring, ring. That's her ringtone. It's like that scene. It's his voice. No, it's her voice. It's her voice. We sound the same. It's like I've seen

in Ready Player One when all the people are doing the trivia. He's got like the whole room of nerds for the trivia. Yeah. Ring, ring. And she goes,

hello. Say hello. Hey, honey. Hello. It's your husband, Anthony. Let's not go off script, buddy. Okay, sorry. She goes, what are you calling me for me for you just calling to hear her voice i'm just calling to hear your voice and she goes your voice is you should talk to yourself you don't need to call

me your voice it's basically the same but my voice sounds sweeter coming from your mouth my voice sounds sweeter coming from your mouth i don't know why i put emphasis on coming like that i'm sorry coming i didn't mean to and she goes uh are you drinking school's still in right what are you what's going on something something's wrong right you said you want to date your wife uh do you want to go on a date honey we should have date night right yeah well i thought it was that or maybe him addressing the fact that she's cheating on him. What do you think you should do? I spoke first.

It's my turn. Okay, you go. Okay, he'll date his wife. All right, I want to take you out on a date. Do you want to go on a date tonight, honey? She goes, you know, I can't. I've got work. You know, I've got work at the...

Is work spelled R-A-L-P-A-F? Is work spelled R-A-L-P-A-F? Is work spelled R-A-L-P-F? And she goes, how do you know about R-A-L-P-F? I mean, wait, no, that's not how it's spelled, Ralph. How do you know about Ralph? Say, you just told me.

He leans in real close to the phone and he goes, you just told me. And she goes, oh, no. Oh, honey, this isn't how I wanted you to find out. You know what? Let me explain. I'd love to hear you explain. He says, I'm going off screen. I'm going

broke. And she goes, look, Ralphie was there for me when I needed a loving hand and other appendages, which you weren't. And it's not entirely a romantic thing. It's mainly just sexual. Mainly. Sometimes I think I might fall in love with him, but it hasn't happened yet.

And now Tony's looking at you guys like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What do I do? Say, say you feel the same way. I feel the same way. And I understand you. About Ralph? Do you feel that? Or about me? About Ralph.

Say it. About Ralph. I'm also having sex with Ralph. Wait, are you? And I think I might fall in love with him. And he looks at you like, right? That's what you wanted me to say? Yeah. Sure. So she goes, you're cheating

on me? And he goes, does it feel so great, doesn't it? Does it feel so great, doesn't it? And she goes, no, it doesn't. I know how I feel. How dare you? How dare you? You know what? We're done. You and me, we're done. I don't want to see you again. I'm taking

margarita. Who's saying this, actually? His wife. Okay, okay. I'm taking margarita, and you can just stay there in your principal's office and enjoy the sound of your own voice and just hope that it's me, but it won't be. It'll just be your voice echoing off the fucking

walls of your office, and now I sound kind of like Kermit. Tony, freestyle. Just speak from your heart. Tell her how you feel. Just hope it's time to be vulnerable. Alright. It's freestyle time for Tony Paparazzi. I think it's a roll for this. I think for Tony, right? How good is he at it? Yeah, I'll roll for him. I don't know if you noticed, but I've been on my phone slightly

more than usual. It's because since Beth brought it up, I've been trying to make a Tinder profile using only Vincent Kennedy McMahon pictures. To see if I get any results. he gets a 13 so it's like above average Can we help them I might help him with that role okay? Go ahead by like giving him shoulder rubs you got this like like a cut man in a fucking boxing emotional cut man I think that is probably what a little wisdom roll or something or what do you think that is I would say that's

That is probably what a little wisdom roll or something. Or what do you think that is? I would say that's performance. Performance. Just a straight D20. That's an eight. Okay. So an eight,

you give a bad back massage. It hurts him. Oh shit. Guys, help. Come on. Oh, the pain I feel in my heart and in my shoulders right now is nothing compared to the pain that I'll feel from losing you.

My dear Desdemona. You're yeah, that's her name. Why are you laughing? Name's Desdemona pizza. Desdemona. Yeah, that's her name. Why are you laughing? Her name's Desdemona Pizza. Desdemona Bologna Pizza. And even though you've been cheating on me consistently with Ralph,

I'm willing to forgive you if you'll just recommit yourself to this relationship because I'm nothing without you. We're two halves of a pizza, and I'm not, I don't want to be a lonely pepperoni. You know what I mean? Baby? Baby? Baby you there?

Leakes just finds himself crying for some reason. It's so beautiful. What's happening? And he just turns to you guys and goes, she hung out. Guys, I know what we have to do. What do we have to do? I'm pretty sure we just torqued this guy's marriage. Yeah, we gotta kill Ralph. Gotta kill Ralph? Yeah.

Well, wait, what's that gonna do, Scary? I don't know. I just know it's the right thing to do. Oh, well. Well, let's table that. Yeah. For now. Tell us about Ralph.

Ralph, he's the principal of an opposing high school. Oh, the better one? That's right. He's the principal of Chaparral High School. He's like me, but taller. Oh, he's a really good looking guy. Ralph Fricotta from Chaparral High School. Oh, yeah, man.

Ralph Fricotta. 30 under 30. How could she? I'm a San Dimas Fricotta. You're too good for her. I'm glad you think that, but it's a really good looking guy from chaparral high school you're too good for her i'm glad you think that but it's not true she's the light of my life she was anyway now the light is gone and then i grab him and i cast beacon of hope wow this spell bestows hope and vitality choose any number of target creatures within range i cast it on t Pepperoni. So he has advantage on wisdom and saving throws and stuff like that. But for the purposes of role play, he's like, no, if you love her, you go to her. Look, as someone who's lost just so much recently in terms of my relationship with my dad and my uncle, and like, I'm just feeling weird

about my whole family. You can't give up on love. You can't give up Tony Pepperoni. Give me a T. A T. Give me an O. O. Give me an Tony Pepperoni. Give me a T. A T? Give me an O. O. Give me an N. N? Give me a Y. Oh, it's my name.

Yeah, it's your name. You're Tony. Look at yourself in the mirror. And I turn around and I point him at the mirror. He's, oh, God. Do you want to look at this for the rest of your life? No. Then go get her, buddy.

And I push him out the door. All right. I'm going. Follow me. Hey, Nor hey normal do you think that maybe his wife's also the problem so uh he drives are we just in the back of the car yeah you're just in the back he's like you you want you just to shadow me all day right all right scooching i've got a hatchback this was always like to be a principal? I mean, yeah, pretty much every day, yes. Cool.

All right, here we go. Vroom, vroom. Sorry, that's what my car makes that noise. My car also sounds like me. My car sounds like me. I made it custom. Yo, Tony, we heard you like pepperoni, so we toned your car so you can Tony Pepperoni.

Tony Pepperoni was one of the cars picked for the new reboot of MTV Pimp My Ride. And so it's just like there's a pizza oven in the back. Help yourself to some calzones. He's the one person that won. Pizza always does the Jurassic Park van. Who wins those things? He's got the Jurassic Park van with a pizza oven

in the back. Help yourself, kids. That's the noise it makes when I back up. All right. We're going to my wife's work. Okay. At the library next to Chaparral High School.

Oh. The library. Buddy. All right. Oh, bud. So you arrive at the Chaparral Branch Public Library. Just cough before you enter. Like, make some noise before you walk in.

I always cough. I want them to know I'm coming. Well, not then. Not then. I mean, it's usually, I'm what we call a one-pump chump. One cough, one pump, and we're done. Alright, so we're going in. Now, whatever you do, make sure you're

quiet, because it's a library. So be polite. Okay. Alright, you too. This is as quiet as I get, I'm sorry. Alright, so they go in. Inside voices, everyone. She's manning the late returns desk for fines and stuff like that. And he goes, well, well, well,

look who's looking awfully fine today. She goes, stop, stop it. Stop it. You used that pickup line on me when we first met and it's not cute anymore. It's not funny. It's not sexy. You've been cheating on me.

And he goes, no, no, no, no. I wasn't cheating. These four children told me that I should tell you that I was cheating. And she goes, what? no, no, no. I wasn't cheating. These four children told me that I should tell you that I was cheating. And she goes, what? And she looks at you. Hi, Mrs. Pepperoni. Yeah, we were trying to help him out with your little.

My name is Mrs. Pizza. I didn't take his name. Hi, Mrs. Pizza. Wow, good for you. Thank you. We girls got to stick together. Yeah. I mean, why do I like you?

Anyways, Tony's going to talk now. It was mostly you're mostly. Tony's going to talk now. It was mostly, you were mostly talking to us. Tony's going to talk now. You were mostly talking to us on the phone. We did a bad job. So we're just here

for moral support for our favorite principal because he's a really good principal. I'm sure he's a good father and husband too. I'll have you also know that I did a summer internship as a peer counselor.

So I have some experience resolving interpersonal disputes. I'm also training as a backup plan to be a therapist if I can't become a mascot. I would love to offer my services to help you guys work through these issues that you're having. You can call him Professor Oak. Jokes only for Anthony.

I mean, I'm amazed that that didn't get more of a reaction. I'm sorry. Desdemona goes, sure, I guess you can be the mediator. Can you tell my husband, soon to be ex, that I don't love him anymore? And how does that make you feel? Which one of us? Desdemona or-

Desdemona. It makes me feel irritated that I'm still married to him and I want to be over with it so I can live with Ralphie full time. Wait, you're the mascot kid? Where's the suit? One moment, please. And I have an inflatable Teeny the Teen emergency helmet that I keep in my back pocket and I spend 10 minutes blowing it up and come back with it on. All right. Roll deception. I feel like Constitution, maybe, to see if I blow it up all the way.

What do they do for 10 minutes while you're blowing it up? Yeah. So they just sit there in silence for 10 minutes. You guys can figure out what they're doing for 10 minutes. I'm going to go inflate my inflatable teeny the teen head. Oh, I go, excuse me, Ms. Pizza. Ms. Pizza. No, it's still Mrs. It's just Mrs. Pizza because I'm married, but I didn't take his name.

I miss pizza too. So my question is where are the computers? I have some animated printout. There are computers in the back there near the kids section ah yeah in the open air zone so everybody can see whatever you're doing on the computer so don't try any funny stuff that is fine i will be right back everybody all right i walk over to scary the only person who stayed here i guess hey okay scary you're like more worldly i think than the three of us like we need him to not be lonely but i'm pretty

sure if he stays with his wife, he's just going to stay lonely. Cause this isn't any sort of relationship I've seen. This seems pretty like a movie, really like a bad one. So like, what do you think? I mean,

as the Phantom of the Opera once said, he could learn to be lonely. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I think he kind of already knows how to be, but like, you're talking about like,

like be good at it. Normal's guys. I'm back. I got an 11 on my constitution roll. So I have a sad half deflated Tina. Look, Tina the teen is in all of our hearts. He's in all of our spirits. He just got a team with me.

That thing is horrible looking. I'm sorry. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I don't think I am. I'm not that strong. But that's my thing. And I'm shouldering that burden as best I can. We're going to fix your marriage.

So Tony won't be lonely anymore. That's the name of the game today. So whatever problem you're having with him, why don't you just say it so we can get over it and you guys can be happy and he can be happy and we can save the world. Desdemona says, there's nothing to fix. The marriage is over. I don't care about him anymore. And whatever feelings he has toward me are irrelevant.

It takes two to tango, as we say. And Tony says, we do say that. No, I would do anything for you. I love you more than anything. Oh, you guys have sayings. How cute. We did. Okay.

As you were on your computer checking on anime, you're to your right, and you turn and you see Hero Garcia, like, looking over your shoulder, looking at your, like, anime search. She just goes,

pretty wishy-washy if I say so myself. But, uh... Why? Well, oh, oh, I take it you're a true expert in this regard. Yeah, sorry, you're still on the Toy Stories 1 through 3? I've evolved to Toy Story Gaiden, the prequel series. Wait, is that the one where Buzz and Woody...

No, no, no, that's the sequel, Toy Story 5. Love is war, where Woody and Buzz get married. What are you doing here, you nerd? I am trying to save the world. What are you doing here, you nerd? Get a room. Where are you doing here? I know you don't read. I am trying to save the world. What are you doing here? Oh my God. Get a room. Where are you scaring?

Are you across the library? I'm like way far away. I'm so far away. But it's really quiet so your voice travels. We're trying to save the world. We're trying to help Tony Pepperoni

fix his fucked up marriage by the power of anime. It sounds like two different things, my dude. Saving the world is like saving a fucked up marriage. What are you fucking talking how much you fucking know?

You Would fucking car crash I will kill you Never befriended you in the fucking first place I'm going to find where you sleep and I'm going to throw a pipe bomb in your bedroom. I'll fucking catch it in my mouth if it means I don't have to fucking see your face again. How boy? Once it explodes, once it blows my face wide open like a goddamn chestburster, I'll still be happier and cuter than you, you dumb fuck.

I think we've made some real progress here today. I storm off really angrily, and then as I'm storming off, we cut to inside of Taylor's head. Taylor goes like, one step closer to making her fall in love with me. We go into Hero's head. She's like, I'm going to kill that guy.

All right, back to the normal team. Normal did not even see that his sister was just here. He just felt like a sort of twinge of irritation on the back of his head. Who's talking over there? I feel like I have felt sins, dot, dot, dot. Desdemona, I'd do anything for you,

but it appears that ship has sailed for you. She goes, yep, I just, the passion's not there anymore. Whatever I usually hold for you, I hold for that guy over there. And she points behind you, normal, and the principal chaparral is there, and he's looking down at your teeny patin costume with like hungry eyes and his hands slowly move toward as if to

pluck it off of your scalp hey don't touch him what me hey that guy just touched that kid I'm helping I'm helping Taylor I think runs in from the back being like yeah, yeah, I thought I recorded at my phone I got a natural 20 plus 3. Oh my god So immediately the library security guard goes who's off the kid The security guard starts chasing after me goes. Oh, oh, no! And he starts running. Tase him, bro! He's just a library security guard. They don't give him stun guns.

In the future. They give them real guns. This is America, baby! The video you have of him going, I didn't touch a kid! And running goes viral. And Chaparral's principal will, in ensuing weeks, be known as, like, I didn't touch a't-touch-a-kid guy. Yeah, that's the pithy nickname they give him.

The I-didn't-touch-a-kid guy. Chef pervert. So he runs exits pursued by a library security guard. She goes, oh, great. Now you've put my boyfriend in hot water. You think that was going to solve things for you? You think that was going to make anything easier for you? He put that on himself.

He didn't. He was just trying to take the costume. And why would he do that? Because it's an ongoing thing between... Or because it was on a kid. If you're trying to convince me that my boyfriend is a pedophile by something that I just saw you make up,

you're going to have a hard time of it. Man, this is hard. That's why I told you to kill him. You know what, guys? Let's back it in. I got to get you back to school anyway. Look. Okay.

Tony, go, Brony. Huh? Okay. Go, Puddle. Go, Puddle. We have to take the place of his wife. That's not going to work out. No, I just think that's not going to work out, but we have to make him not lonely, so

I think we just have to become his best friends. I was going to say, well, you guys became my best friend. I'm not lonely anymore. But wait. But this is going to be a problem. Oh, that's really sweet, though. Yeah. Thanks.

That was easy. It was like we just hung out. up this is a library link we have other things we have to do so unless you're proposing that we take shifts being friends with what else do we have to do we literally have to save the world one of the first step to save the world make this guy not lonely first step how do you start a journey of a thousand miles well maybe we become really good friends we'll become like a new sidekick for us or something it could be helpful. I was just saying this is the next one step at a time. What's the step? We have to make him not lonely.

So what do you propose? I'm saying we make him not lonely by like hanging out with him. I turn to Tony and his wife Desdemona. Oh, is it like a Sons and Sons ability thing? Her name's Desdemona? Is she? Whatever. That's one for the fans.

Figure that out. Not for us. Fucking do it. Fucking figure that out. Fucking figure that out. Mr. Pepperoni, Miss Pizza, in all six months as a peer counselor, I've never encountered a case as tough as this one, and I just want to thank you both for sharing your feelings today, being honest.

Sometimes the truth is beautiful, even if it's hard to stomach, and I just want to say I think we made some real progress today, and Tony, do you want to be our best friends? I'm going to have him roll. How vulnerable is he right now? Yeah, he rolled a 12. So he's pretty vulnerable.

I'm going to give you a plus three because he's so vulnerable. He goes, yeah, you know what? Yeah. If I can't feel the joy and the love in my heart that I felt when I was young and I met you Desdemona,

I guess I'll feel it with these kids. Like platonically, again, I'm'm gonna just hang out with these kids now and protect them the way that you didn't protect my heart I'm we're going and he leaves yeah the library with all of you meet your competition lady he's doing just fine so all the blogs update me and go, ALL PRINCIPLES ARE PEDOPHILE! Every single one of them in San Dimas! As we're leaving, I think Taylor has like a literal stack that's above his head of just like all the fucking mangas that have released in the time that we've been like away. And he's just like, sorry guys, this is irrelevant, but I just needed some catching up to do on the theories that I was talking about.

You've got Moana-chan, you've got you've got light year some oh no that's guy that's toy story guy who's like light year oh also as you're driving to and from the school you see like it's kind of like escape from new yorkie because the mayor has still not been caught and the mayor's acolytes are kind of still running around so you see like dude the rise like wide eye people smiling just like the mayor like trying to tip cars over and while you're driving around tony berberoni's like yeah this has been happening in the past couple months the main thing is the one with the big sign that says don't let in these four kids and it's that pictures of all of you yeah that one's still around oh so that's the world also yeah go ahead and roll to see how effective your anime therapy your manga therapy is hey tony yes i have here

we just cut you back at school. He's like, I don't want to sleep at home anymore because it's her place so I'm just going to sleep in my office. But yeah, let's go to the AV room and watch some anime. Well, no,

I printed out the animes for him. Well, I guess we can do it. I guess we can do it in the library. How do you print out animes? Yeah. Mangas. Frame by frame or manga. Okay, well,

manga and anime are two separate things. I would assume you would know that. Listen, Taylor should have to roll psychic damage. Yeah, Taylor, roll psychic damage. Taylor also goes like, when dealing with a layperson, it's important to slowly introduce new terms.

If I was truly a layperson, you would just call it Japanimation and left it at that. You know it. I did two damage to myself. Yeah. Go ahead and roll for manga. Feels like an arcana roll to me.

I think arcana or history is probably fine. 16 plus two, 18. 18. He's like, oh, I see the appeal of this and a month goes by what do you do the next month of your friendship with principal tony pepperoni you said yourself you have time there's nothing else you're doing so a month goes by you just watch all of the favorite animes of taylor's okay in that case what happens to margarita margarita as you're

reading anime like the style of a kindergartner where taylor is holding up in the book and like reading the captions aloud to the room and then turning the page so the montage of like us every morning we like bring tony like donuts and a coffee we tell him he's doing great we'll see you after school and then after school we just watch anime with them yeah you watch it become his friend and every day around three when school gets out margarita peeks in her head and she's like dad i'm going home and he's like yeah tell your mother that um well it doesn't matter and she goes and she just closed this door and margarita's undoing all the good work halfway through the month we all take a step to margarita he's like hey margarita how

are you doing with all this like your dad seems like you love your dad still right of course i love my dad i just wish they would fucking divorce already i'm of it. They argue all the time they would be better apart, but they just like... Well, they are apart. Yeah, they are apart now. I'd be like permanently, properly apart. You know, I don't know if you've ever been a child of separation or not.

My mom's first marriage didn't go super well, so that's why I also kept her name and not Tony Pepperoni's. But like, you know, divorce is actually pretty good if the marriage isn't going well. And so right now they're in this stupid holding pattern and you're just sort of putting, you know,

you're trying to salve this wound when reality, they're kind of trying to do it for you. Maybe you're the problem. Whoa. Rolled persuasion or intimidation. I got a seven. All right. She goes,

no, I'm not the problem. Maybe you're the problem. Maybe they saw you and they thought, if a girl that ugly can exist, then I don't want to be alive anymore no scary can you come to we've been watching anime with your dad every day

after school for like six hours every day that's what dad does after school now I hope he just had an affair no no no very clearly not at all can you can you come watch anime with us tomorrow I guess Taylor is there like any good anime that's about this?

You know, sometimes art can make people like, you know, Marky's going to be here tomorrow. Wait, it's just like in that classic TV series, Final Fantasy XIV, Dad of Light, where a dad and their son bond over playing Final Fantasy XIV together. Like, maybe he'll bond with his daughter, and then, then, you know, we can kind of offload this emotional burden onto her. Yeah.

And it won't be our problem anymore and it'll be fixed. Or it shouldn't be a burden. Like, you know, like, my dad's telling me, like, I'm, like, the light of the world. And, like, every day they're not lonely because I exist. So, like, shouldn't, like, Tony be less lonely because he's got a kid? Like, they should spend more time together. So, like, yeah. Let's start that as well.

I don't know. Sometimes spending time with your kid or your dad makes you more lonely. Never. It's the best thing in the world. Whatever. Speak for yourself.

I am. It's the best thing in the world. Scary. Anthony, have we gotten any hits on this Tinder bio? Well, I haven't

finished making it. Oh, I see. You're making it for real. Yeah, I was going to make it for real and then see if you get anybody.

It has been a month. I feel like we can do a roll this year. It's a month. Go ahead and somebody just give me a straight up luck roll. It's not luck. Nine. I only got one hit. She said she'd go on.

We made it. It was us. It was you guys. It was a literal horse. Yeah. It was a picture of a horse. And then I got another one that it was from somebody that said they needed 100 roses to go on a date with me.

I don't even know what that means. This is a prostitute. I do know what that means. And I gave her a hundred roses. She was really upset. So yeah, no, no, no luck on the old tender for Anthony Pepperoni. Oh, hey, Margarita's going to join our one month anniversary of anime clubs. Oh, hey, you want to watch anime with your

old man? And she goes, oh my god, I'll do it once. Once. Okay, you get one of these. So what are we watching? I guess. Oh, hmm. There's an old adaptation called Parent Trap. That's the opposite of the lesson. That's what parents think. They're not together.

Four. Parent Trap 4. Parent vs what my parents came up with together. Four. Four. Oh, that's a good one. Barron versus Barron. Barron versus Barron. Which mirrors. Oh, my parents, my dad said I couldn't watch that one because it was a bad lesson. Two twins scheme to get their parents divorced.

Roll a D20 arcana. They're quadruplets at this point. Yeah, they're quadruplets. They're a force to be reckoned with. That's what the cover says. The whole time we're watching, we've set up seats in the classroom when we watch, like, on the projector.

And I'm sitting right behind and in between Tony and Margarita. And, like, any time something that seems relevant, like, I kind of whisper, I, like, lean into Margarita. He's like, your dad probably feels that way. And then, like, when, like, and then, like, this, like, happens, like, you know, Margarita probably want to hear that

from you sometimes. So, like, I and then like it's like you know margarita probably want to hear that from you sometimes all right taylor roll arcana and lincoln roll persuasion as you whisper these things 14 plus 2 16 wow i got like the good like laser disc print you know i'm saying so tony's really into the fucking movies like wow Lindsay Lohan was really an underutilized talent in anime yeah in anime

she's a great voice actor that's how she came back around that was her second act yeah she boasts Broly in but Margarita as you lean over

like oh your dad might like to hear that kind of stuff she's like this is the most transparent fucking thing I've ever seen you think a shitty

anime is gonna make me repair my relationship with my dad no hey you hey this is a waste of my time this is the most transparent fucking thing I've ever seen. You think a shitty anime is going to make me repair my relationship with my dad? No. Hey, you, hey. This is a waste of my time. This is a waste of my dad's time. You are enabling him.

It's disgusting. I am out of here. And she leaves. If you guys are still down with killing her, I am. Yeah, maybe. I'm so bad at this, guys. This is hard. It's been a month.

It's been a month and we haven't gotten no progress. This whole adventure's been a month. We've done so much in a month. This is a whole month. I look deep within my soul to see if we've made any progress whatsoever on this. That insight. I got a 19.

With a 19, you can tell that I've basically given loneliness hit points, so to speak, and you're trying to get them to zero. We started out with 10. He is down to eight. Oh, I have an idea. Is it like something bad happens if we don't do this in time? Is there like a sort of Damocles if we keep doing this?

Yeah, because it's like five months we could get him down to zero. I have one more point. I don't think I could last five months watching anime. Also, all this stuff with Margarita Pizza, he was like, I just want to watch anime now. And he spent another month just watching anime. He goes into of my life guys it's been a while remember my dad's they would always throw you know dinner parties for like the neighbors and stuff like maybe he needs adult friends why don't we ask my dad like you know especially since other dads like on fucking

whatever we've lied about for a month on vacation or whatever work vacation for a month that Marco believed. I can tell him that maybe just singles. There doesn't have to be anything like sexual about this. Just like, you know, just like maybe he gets invited to like adult dinner party. Adult companionship. Just hang out. That's the best. So, like, of course, he's going to be less lonely if he's hanging out with my dad and his friends.

What if I had like an even cooler adult friend? Sure, he can come. Are they? Wait, is it Willie? No. Okay, well then who is it? Sounds like it's Willie's scary. It's not. It's my god grandmother. Your god grandmother?

Wow, that's pretty... I am the god grandmother. What's her name? Werther. Beth? Beth. Beth May. Still alive. Sure.

Give me some information. I'll call her right now. Oh, okay. Yeah. My dad should probably call. Ring, ring. You went viral that ringtone. Ring, ring.

Are you calling Beth or are you calling Willie? Ooh. That's what I thought. Yeah, it could be Willie pretending to be Beth. I'll do Willie pretending to be Beth. Okay, guys. Great. That's what I thought. Yeah, it could be Willie pretending to be bad. I'll do Willie pretending to be bad. Okay, guys. Great.

What's up? Um, so I know we haven't really talked at all, but I'm looking to find an adult friend for my adult friend. This is like how you call a fucking call center

for like prostitutes. Yes, a prostitute call center. It's for a friend. Prostitution hotline, how may I direct your call? And then you're really circumvent about it. Yes, a prostitute call center. It's for a friend. Prostitution hotline, how may I direct your call? And then you're really circumvent about it. Prostitute call center, yes, I need an adult friend. For my adult friend.

Oh, yes, that's why we're here. That's why we, the prostitution call center, are here. He's looking for a good time. Can we roll to see if we know? Yeah, roll insight with disadvantage because it's over the phone. I got an F for one. 12 plus 3, 15. Okay.

I got 12. Taylor knows that it's not necessarily whoever Scary is saying it is. So he needs some friendly companionship, does he? Yes. Well, I loved you, but I'm currently a bit indisposed. I've been locked up and listening to riddles for the past two months straight. Hey, wait a minute. This sounds familiar. I'm not on speakerphone.

Shut up. Well, maybe we could bring the pizza to you. What? That was a dinner party, Scary. Yeah, more of an office dinner party. What? Okay, but the door's going to have to be open for me to get some pizza. I can't eat pizza through a locked door.

I should have really thought about this before I dialed this number. Was that Willie, Scary? I mean, you've got everything you need to open the door, so just get the thing to open the door. Hey, Scary, this sounds a lot like you're just talking to Willie. I can't believe you guys don't believe women. Oh, my God. I more than anyone

believed in the power of a zany scheme to fix all of his problems but we've been at this for months and I'm starting to think the problem might be within. It might be Tony.

So listen, I think we should just level with him about what's going on. I think he needs that kick in the ass. I go up to Tony and say,

Tony. Yeah. It's been two months, man. Oh, I'm sorry. Is two months not enough time to get over a divorce for you? Do I need to be going faster with the love of my life?ony yeah it's been two months man oh i'm sorry is two months not enough time to get over divorce for you do i need to be going faster with the love of my life you just need to buck up because you've got like and there's

there's a monster inside of you and if we i know look you either guys stop being lonely we're gonna going to have to kill you. That's the situation. Roll intimidation. It's a 12. A 12. I mean, that's a little strong. You're coming out a little strong for that. I already feel like I'm dying inside anyway, so what's the point?

Well. I mean, nobody's killing anybody. I'm just miserable all the fucking time. I wish I was dead, kind of, but it's a fucking bad dinner party. You want to go hang out with some adults and not us? Honestly, kind of, yeah. It's been two months. I've only been seeing you kids.

It's fucking weird. All right. In an office? Or a headquarters? Honestly, kind of, yeah. It's been two months. I've only been seeing you kids. It's fucking weird. In an office or a headquarters? No, what are you going to do at my house, Gary? I mean, you can invite somebody if they can freely on their own will get to. If they can freely on their own will get there. If they can freely on their own will get to the parties. Welcome to come, Gary. Hi, I call the real Beth May.

Really? Yes. Hey, will you come to this party? Hello, who is this? You don't know me, will you come to this party? Hello? Who is this? You don't know me, really. How did you get this number? Your friend is like my step-step-grandfather. Oh, you're scary.

Yeah, so, okay. No, stop being so scary. I'm petrified. Oh, that's real funny. I bet you're a real hit at parties. Damn. Oh my God. That's so good. Got him.

Okay, so will you come to this party or whatever? Okay, if you want me to come to a party, Beth May loves to party. She sure does, I guess. Okay, yeah, here's the address. Yep. Yep, and it's going to be now. No, 7 p.m. tomorrow. Here's the address. Yep. Yep. And it's going to be now. No, 7 p.m. tomorrow. 7 p.m. tomorrow.

Dad needs some... We got to make dinner. Should I pay anything? Should you pay anything? Can I bring copies of my new poetry book? Oh, any... Don't do that. What, any food allergies?

Do you have any food allergies? I'm allergic to bullshit. That's cool. Tell her what's always... Only great shooting for me, best babe. She sounds awesome. She's fine, I guess said marco a text that just says daddy got through a dinner party 7 p.m tomorrow what it's important i have a friend he needs our help hey there's a guy who's going through a

divorce he's really lonely he's our principal you've met him he just needs a good time and also i think it would be nice for you to spend some time since dad's been away for so long this is what my text says roll persuasion with advantage because that's a good argument he goes i'm not hosting a party i'll do everything i'll do everything i'll do everything we'll cook all you have to do dad you deserve it all you have to do is sit down and enjoy time with your friends okay you just want me to invite my friends, and then also you're going to separately invite some sad divorced guy? You've met him, Mr. Pepperoni.

You've met him before. I have, but he's not my friend. Yeah, I know. He just needs to... He just... Oh, yeah, hey, we're all here. My friends, too. Yeah, they're going to help out.

I cannot wait for your dad to get home. What is a stranger but a potential future friend? Just, you know, I'm like... I'm not cooking anything, but I will not kick you out. Oh, we could get catered by Sonics. Yeah, we'll figure out something. I'm not paying for Sonics. Yeah, no, you don't have to pay. Well, you're gonna have to. I don't have my own money, but like,

we'll get dinner. Don't worry about it. We cut to the party. Okay, great. Everyone is here. Tony Pepperoni. Marco Wilson. Can we do a thing where we also like posted it on like Craigslist or something? We don't need wild weird people coming. We need eight adults. Marco Wilson. Can we do a thing where we also posted it on Craigslist or something? Party Zara. We don't need wild weird people coming.

We need eight adults. Eight normal adults. It's a dinner party. It's not fucking teenage rape. Not sexual, question mark. Is there a Craigslist ad with my address on it it saying any adult who wants a good time, come here. You're right, Matt. I wasn't thinking.

You're right. That's not how adult parties work. So the party is bumping. You're listening to the Baja Men. Beth May shows up with a bottle of Everclear. Tony is there in the corner just kind of not talking to anybody. Everybody's having fun conversations. Beth and Marco seem to be getting along.

Old Beth May. Don't call me Old Beth May. You got some fucking cheek on you, child. I'd like to introduce you to somebody. Yes? Over here. I introduce Old Beth May to Tony Pepperoni. Nice to meet you.

I'm Tony Pepperoni. I'm a school principal. She goes, I'm Beth May. I do many things. I'm a poet. I'm a voice actor. I'm a regular actor. I'm a writer. Okay, we get things. I'm a poet. I'm a voice actor. I'm a regular actor. I'm a writer.

Okay, we get it. I'm a poet. Tony, why do you think about that? I'm going to see if Tony has, there's a spark. Is there a spark of attraction? He goes, I hate this woman. Everything about her seems wrong to me. Okay, all right, all right, all right.

If anybody would like to, though, they can roll perception. I got a four. I got an actual one! What the fuck? I got a 28. You, and only you, normal notice that Tony Pepperoni keeps sneaking glances at Marco. Interesting, interesting, interesting. Blink! Your dad seems really nice. Yeah, he's the greatest. I mean,

he's top two people in the world. Yeah, I definitely feel like I don't make that list. Well, yeah. The other one's my other dad. Those are the top two. I heard that. That's why I was agreeing with you.

Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, cheer up. I should have done this. what's up?

I just wish someone would kill me. I'm saying guys, it'd be so easy. Would it help if I told you that I'm racist? I got real fucked up opinions about women too. Scary pulls out the Kellogg knife. Okay. I have bad news.

What? I'm getting vibes. I'm getting vibes between Tony Pepperoni and Marco. I think he likes your dad. Yeah, everybody likes my dad. No, but I mean, I think he likes, likes your dad. I mean, okay. So look.

Good luck. He's going to compete with Grant. Okay. But like, maybe if you look, I if you let him compete a little bit. Yeah, maybe he just. How much do you trust? I mean, like, look. All I'm saying.

Sure. I don't know. I mean, we need to save the world. I mean, I feel like it's probably going to be a dead end. I feel like it's going to make him more lonely when he gets rejected by the best dude in the world. I just rolled stealth and I got a 17 plus two. Somebody else will roll perception

opposed whoever you're doing a thing to. Who has the garage door opener? I think Link does. I got an 18. So I steal the garage door opener from Link and I click open.

Or are you just doing it from where you are? I'm doing it from where I am. Okay, cool, cool, cool. All right, well the party continues as normal then for a bit. We just gotta let them party. We just,

all the kids just go upstairs and we just play video games. And they'll well, the party continues as normal then for a bit. We just gotta let them party. We just, all the kids just go upstairs and we just play video games. Kids just play video games. The adults are having a party. I'm just hoping that the party goes well. Beth's downstairs signing autographs. And after about an hour, you hear a really loud knock on the door.

You hear Marco go, oh my God, are you, do you need a, and you hear a voice go, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. You should see the other guy. Where's your Do you need a? And you hear a voice go, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. You should see the other guy. Where's your? You have a son, right? And then you hear some murmuring and murmuring and murmuring. Can we peek down the stairs? I can.

Yeah, because we heard a loud knock. Okay. I want to be kids in a. Yeah. Can you hear that? No, I want to see who's coming to the dinner. You can roll stealth if you like, if you want to do without being spotted. Jeez.

I got six. You peek over the step and then you fall down the steps loudly. And as you rolled it with stop, you see Willie there with two big black eyes. His mouth is bleeding. His nose is bleeding. He's got dry blood all over his face. Looks like parts of his hair have been ripped out.

And he goes, hey, just the guy I wanted to, just the guy I wanted to see. Oh, you solved the riddles? Yeah. I instantly put my hands up to my pocket. And it's not there. What the? Yeah, wanted to see. You solved the riddles? Yeah. I instantly put my hands up to my pocket. And it's not there. What the? Yeah, good to see you.

Oh, scary. And he looks at you and he follows Scary's gaze to Tony Pepperoni. And he looks back at Scary and he goes, just say the word. Go ahead. Okay. And he pulls a knife out of one of the knife holders and just stabs Tony Pepperoni in the throat with it. I'm going to see if Tony Pepperoni rolls anything to avoid that. No, he doesn't.

He rolls a six to avoid it. He goes, wait, what's going on? And Willie just stabs him in the throat with a knife. Marco starts screaming. Everybody starts screaming. Beth May is like, metal. And he starts running. I run to Tony Pepperoni.

He goes. Mr. Pepperoni. You're not. I hold his hands. I rush up. I cast Cure Wounds on him I hold his hands. I rush up to... I cast Cure Wounds on him. Wait, stop. What do you mean,

fucking scary? Are you fucking kidding me right now? I cast Cure Wounds on Tony. Okay, so as you move forward with glowing hands to cast your Cure Wounds on Tony Pepperoni, you have to move past Willie,

which means he gets an attack of opportunity. So give me a strength saving throw. Okay. I got a four. Okay. So Willie got a six. So you feel his arm grab onto your shoulder and shove you really hard up against the counter. And you feel his forearm just pinning you there. And he goes, it's over. It's already happened. It's done. It's okay. It's fine. It's fine. And Link is there holding Tony Pepperoni and Tony's

like, Hey man, I'm here. You're, you're not alone, man. I'm, I'm here with you. And he tries to say something, but he got stabbed in the throat. So the coughing up of blood makes his words almost entirely unintelligible. All you can make out is, tell Margarita. And the rest of it is completely unintelligible. And he slumps over dead and he's bleeding onto the tile floor.

And Marco has grabbed a knife and he's pointing it at Willie. And he's really nervously holding it out. I look at Scary and I go, where's the opener? Shouldn't you say, thank you? Do you have the opener? Yeah, I have it. Get the fuck out of my house, Scary. And I push her out of the house.

Wow. As you go to push her out of the house, I'm assuming you're ignoring Willie, but he's walking with you being like, hey, come on. It's not her fault. Come on. You had to do it. You had to do it. She told me on the phone. Oh, assuming you're ignoring Willie, but he's walking with you being like, hey, come on, it's not her fault. Come on. You had to do it. You had to do it. She told me on the phone.

Oh, come on. Come on, Willie. Guess these guys don't see when you've done them a favor. See you fucking narcs. Narcs. As you watch the silhouettes of Scary Marlo and Willie Stampler

walking into the distance, you slam the door shut behind them. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be alright, pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right.

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, We'll see on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller.

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Okay, bye. Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way