Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 27 - Ei8ht

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

The teens go to HELL!!!This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the s...ubreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Can I explain it one more time? What's your premise? It's a nonsense problem. It's an elevator that goes faster when you press the button. It's all nonsense across the board. Hey, Mark, you're nonsense, man. This is gold, better than gold, better than the golden elevator. It's a fast elevator. You're such a con artist.
Starting point is 00:00:35 Oh, yeah, so is the dude telling people the Mavs had a chance of winning this year? Oh, yeah, that's right, music, you bitch. Let me just talk to the ladies. Laurel, Barbie, you two look like you want to jump back on the Glenn trip. I find your presentation is exhausting and complicated. What is complicated about it? It's an elevator that goes faster the more you press the button.
Starting point is 00:00:55 I couldn't imagine having the energy to deal with that. This doesn't sound very positive, Barbara. I'm out. Lori, excuse my fellow elevator man here. He is simply excited about this world-changing opportunity. Is there any way we could convince you that the passion we have for this elevator, that goes faster the faster you push the button, is directly correlated to the quality of said elevator?
Starting point is 00:01:23 How did you come up with this idea? It's about time one of you assholes took interest. So, I was pressing the elevator button really fast, but nothing was happening. And I thought, let's make millions of dollars. And now you have an opportunity to make those millions with us. I'd say things are either heroes or zeros. For me, this is a nowhere Nero.
Starting point is 00:01:45 I'm out. Whatever, man. We don't need you. But we do need her. You're a combination of spontaneous combustion and ADD mixed together. Thank you. No, I appreciate that. I'm not kidding. It's very difficult to listen to you.
Starting point is 00:01:54 Does that mean you're back in? I believe this technology works because I've seen it work. Your valuation is crazy. First of all, you can- Hey, Mark, shut the up. Wonderful's back in, motherfucker. You want to get a deal?
Starting point is 00:02:06 Explain to me why you're worth $14 million. Well, Mr. Wonderful, the truth is, I'm not. I'm worth $14 billion, motherfucker.
Starting point is 00:02:16 Whatever, we don't need any of you, Ron. Come on, let's go. You're a... Oh, I'm an... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:22 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:22 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:22 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:23 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:23 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a...
Starting point is 00:02:23 You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're a... You're going to be a f***ing idiot. F*** you guys. We're out of here. Come on, Ron. Let's go. Gentlemen, is there any chance you would make a deal without Glenn? Wait, what?
Starting point is 00:02:39 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Not a BDSM podcast. A Dungeons and Dragons podcast. There, I said it. It's a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, pretty ballsy to do once D&D walked everything back. Freddy's Embers is going to come out in like two weeks, and it's already been a month or whatever. It's already too late.
Starting point is 00:02:52 The news has already moved on. What fresh controversies can there be to fill our days? Who knows? We're about to create one. My name is Freddy Wong. I play Taylor Swift. You do? Not anymore.
Starting point is 00:03:02 I played Taylor Swift. R.I.P. The former cool guy rogue of the podcast. I just said his head got cut off. That's true. You have like, didn't the weirdo do that science experiment where he went up to like, during the French Revolution, like a... Sir, anything to say?
Starting point is 00:03:18 Well, he was like telling people to blink. Your head's been cut off. Anything to report? He was like, blink as many times as he could. Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Please don't be mad at me. I play Taylor Swift. The cool, icy cool ranger teen.
Starting point is 00:03:28 The icy cold dead ranger teen. Six feet under and loving it. Taylor's teen fact this week, this is not how Taylor imagined he would have died. Okay. How did Taylor imagine he would die? Not like this. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:03:41 I felt like this is exactly how Taylor would like to imagine he would die, which is like some enemy cutting his head off from behind. No, because only if it was like at the end of a thing and then like the door opened and he just closed his eyes and knew who it was. And he's like, make it quick or whatever. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew you'd betray me like this, but I shall, you know, whatever.
Starting point is 00:04:00 Like Taylor's head, he dies in a freeze frame similar to how like- Sort of Doom ends? No, no, not sort of Doom. Like, all the episodes of JoJo's ends. But instead of the two-beat continue, it just says, it's over. And then Yes fucking roundabout by Yes fucking plays hella hard. You know, that bass line. Holy shit, Anthony.
Starting point is 00:04:20 Holy shit, Anthony. I've seen JoJo. Hey, everybody. My name's Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the productive paladin of the group. Not so good. And the school at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group. Really quick fact about Lincoln is his favorite animal is the caterpillar.
Starting point is 00:04:36 There's caterpillars in his backyard. It's kind of the only animals they've got. And he likes them. And he always tells them, like, you're good as you are. You don't got to become a butterfly. He's always sad. Is it just because they have a lot of little feet well they're fuzzy yeah is that it i was gonna say is it the roly-poly because it turns into a little soccer ball he does like those but they're fuzzy they're content they eat leaves they don't hurt anybody and then um they don't leave him whereas the butterflies fly away wow oh you also forgot
Starting point is 00:05:03 matt uh link is the pubescent teen of the group. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his face drop. Puberty is more than just the voice drop. It's part of it. Other things drop. Other things drop. Well, he's not 50 yet.
Starting point is 00:05:15 Wait, what are you talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hard stop, hard stop. Wait, go ahead. Shift this podcast into reverse and back up a few feet really quick. We just passed the sign. I'm 36. I'm no longer concerned about when my balls drop the first time.
Starting point is 00:05:29 I'm concerned about how they're going to continue to drop as I get older. I was just imagining a world where you, this age, still have your balls inside your torso. And just kept waiting. Link does because they're extra protection in a soccer match. He doesn't want them out there. Yeah, he's like Pimey. He can do it on command. Matt, you could probably get a little protective sling to save that.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Every day, Link, it goes on Google. On Google is how to keep your balls inside your body. On drop balls, question mark? Do they have to drop question mark? Wow. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Swallows Garcia, the mixed-up mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Teen fact about Normal this week.
Starting point is 00:06:07 Normal celebrates every instrument in the marching band except the bass clarinet. That's not a clarinet. That's a clarinet just trying to be a fucked-up saxophone. Get back. Come on. Come on, bass clarinet. Be a clarinet. Stop trying to be a saxophone.
Starting point is 00:06:22 Get out of there. What would he like? Would he like no bass clarinet? What he would like is the bassoon. He thinks the bassoon is one of the most dignified instruments in the orchestra, but they don't let the bassoon in the marching band. Why not? Because it's too dangerous.
Starting point is 00:06:32 Probably really hard to play walking around. It's got a little fiddly, expensive mouthpiece. It's too dangerous. When you start playing, you just get the killing vibe. Yeah, I guess. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marla. Boo! She's fine.
Starting point is 00:06:46 The goth punk betrayer team. Seeker of darkness, not like the other. Binder of darkness. Yeah, like joiner of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week is that, how long has it been since Tony died in Universe 2? A couple days, yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:08 The last 48 hours have been the best of her life since before Terry Jr. joined her family. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:07:17 Nobody questioning her decisions, telling her what to do, arguing arbitrarily with her, nobody bringing feelings into it unless they're like really dark really metal cool dark dark feelings even better than the parent you need is the parent that you want now i get that i get that she's not like at the i've eaten too much ice cream yet she's just at the i'm eating ice cream now yeah it's a good time
Starting point is 00:07:44 me reaping in the me reaping in the me reaping moment. She's currently in the fuck around phase. Yes, the x-axis of that before, wait. You're not in the find out phase yet. Yeah, I'm not in the find out, but on the graph. Yeah, finding out
Starting point is 00:08:00 would be Y. Is the Y. So it's a pretty straight line on the bottom of the graph right now. You often do find out Y. Okay. Nice. That's fun. Alright. What a pretty straight line on the bottom of the graph right now. You often do find out why. Okay. Nice. That's fun. All right. What a delight.
Starting point is 00:08:09 Man, I'm on fire this episode. That's a good joke. Great Jace Clarinet joke to get things off with. A lot of sensible chuckles from Will jokes. Will, I think you'd be a good high school teacher with your jokes.
Starting point is 00:08:17 Just tell me you want me off the podcast. Will, I think you'd be a great missionary with your jokes. I think you'd be good anywhere other than here, honestly.
Starting point is 00:08:25 You're considered travel. I'm Anthony. I good anywhere other than here, honestly. You're considered travel. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. My dad fact this week is that if you subscribe to our Patreon a certain tier, then every quarter or something like that, you get to do something we call the Vizier chat, where you ask questions about the campaign and where it's been going and what I've been thinking and what's coming next and all that kind of stuff.
Starting point is 00:08:41 And I'll answer questions like, was the doodler always going to be a sympathetic, like, teen character? Or like, hey, when did you know that Peyton was going to be Daryl's dad? Or, and this one word for word was asked to me in the last one, it seems like you're really addicted to validation, but you can't accept praise. Why is that?
Starting point is 00:08:56 Wow! So yeah, if you ask, if therapists don't, it's a part of the Patreon. Sounds like you should be paying these people for these questions. That's some heavy hitters. It was a good one.
Starting point is 00:09:12 So to catch up where we last left off, you had grabbed the amplifier from Daddy's HQ. Your dad's tried to stop you from getting involved in any of this at all. You decided to rebel. Yeah, a little late for that. They literally gave us the job. Well, I mean, now they're taking it back yeah i mean this is the stuff that doesn't stay around you beached the super intelligent whale jimmy whales who blocked the uh staircase which does not need water to breathe which we found out so we didn't kill it
Starting point is 00:09:37 wall of water so it's fine probably it might not be dead no also we don't know if larket sparrow okay they got knocked unconscious. Yeah, but they got, like, knocked game unconscious, not real life unconscious. Yeah, they're not drowning because they can't. And then as you were leaving Daddy's HQ trying to figure out what to do next, using the power of looking casual, both Willie and Scary managed to sneak up on you.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Willie put his arm around Taylor's neck and then removed his head from his neck. Taylor, what do you do? I probably... That's good DMing, folks. It's just giving your players options. So you find, Taylor, that as your head is cut from your neck... Yeah, I still have control of my eyes and my brain and stuff.
Starting point is 00:10:18 And a couple of things happen in very quick succession. Number one, you realize you have full control of your eyes and mouth and nose and ears. Two, it didn't hurt at all all everybody else notices there is no blood it was just like a perfect just like and uh three a portal from hell opens and your biological father nick foster comes out with fire and rage in his eyes that only increase in intensity and heat as he sees your headless body just sort of standing there doesn It doesn't even follow. Okay, let me ask you this.
Starting point is 00:10:46 As I'm coming off with the imparted torque of the surprise of someone behind me, of my head getting cut off, I would probably be trying to look over my shoulder as my head was getting cut off, which means that I've imparted a sort of rotational movement. Can I try and bite the hand that cut my head off?
Starting point is 00:11:02 Yeah. Yeah. Give me a slight of hand, and we'll assume it's slight of mouth. Slight of head. Slight of head. Sound six. No one. We were all busy.
Starting point is 00:11:11 No one. Hold. Hold. That's what I'm saying when I'm getting six. Well, you were the one to do it. Six plus one, seven. So you just chomp it fucking open air. You bite your tongue.
Starting point is 00:11:24 On top of everything. Can I talk? I'm probably screaming as I'm going down like, whoa, what the hell? Norm's definitely screaming. He's like, ah! So now my head is now impacted. I want to call out Matt's half-hearted circle. I don't know how this new link would scream yet.
Starting point is 00:11:41 I have to get into it. You just have the energy of Daria gesturing at the volleyball in the opening. So when my head hits the ground, I'm going to go, and then do I hear myself speak when I hit the ground? Yes. Your vocal cords somehow still work. Get a half. What the?
Starting point is 00:11:57 I'm going to swing at Willie. Yeah, me too. I'm going to fucking go. This is go time. Okay, both of you swing. I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt. Wait, what level are we now? Sorry, that reminds me.
Starting point is 00:12:07 I told you via Discord, but I should remind you on air. You level up after Tonya Pepperoni died because one of the anchors getting destroyed. I think we're level seven now. Yeah, we're level seven now. I'm about to be level 12. Holy shit. I was building a boss the whole time. Holy shit, you're right.
Starting point is 00:12:21 No, I'm not. I'm level 11. I cast Guiding Bolt at the fourth level on Willy. Okay. That is a 14. Okay. You shoot it at him
Starting point is 00:12:29 and he is going to take the knife that he used to cut Taylor's head off and he's going to bing! And like, knock it back
Starting point is 00:12:34 like you're Ganon and he's Link. Damn! And it goes over your shoulder the other way and barely misses you. Also, if anybody would like to roll either Perception
Starting point is 00:12:41 or Arcana. I will roll Perception as a mid- scissor kick trying to get my cleats right to his head okay i'm doing divine smite on my shoes oh my hit dc is 22 okay so yeah your cleat hits him right in the fucking face and makes a bunch of little pock marks in his otherwise ruggedly handsome visage and uh blood starts to come out of one of his eyes what spell slot did you use? I have a second level spell slot.
Starting point is 00:13:06 That's all you have? Yeah, first level and second level. Okay, so then you're recasting with your second level, which means that you rolled an additional d8 because that's one level above first level. First level. Oh, there we go. Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:13:16 That's 14 damage. Okay. That's a pretty good kick. Yeah, so his head snaps back with the force of the kick. And I rolled perception because when you're in the middle of a scissor kick, you're always- Time slows down. Time slows down.
Starting point is 00:13:25 Time slows down. You got adrenaline rushing through your veins. 13. You can tell with your 13, which is okay, but not great, that the knife that he used to cut Taylor's head off is magical, and he stole it from Daddy's HQ. It's got a little item tag on it. Property of Daddy HQ. Right. It's got a little QR
Starting point is 00:13:41 code for the checkout system. So, as mentioned earlier, a portal to hell, a circle of fire and flames that seems to rip through the dimensions, sears into existence behind you. Nick Foster,
Starting point is 00:13:52 the one-armed, cool-looking, rock and roll, like kind of a cop, but not really, kind of a rocker, but not really, biological father
Starting point is 00:13:59 of Taylor Swift comes out, sees his son's headless... Avenge me! So I'm gonna have him roll to try and figure out what's going on when you said that. Swift comes out, sees his son's headless... Avenge me! So, uh, I'm gonna have him roll to try and figure out what's going on when you said that. That's true because normally you don't expect the person with their head cut off to tell you to, like, avenge them.
Starting point is 00:14:13 Can I pick up his head? You've done enough right now. Just don't kick it. I'm gonna kick it. I'm gonna talk to it. So Link should have to roll to resist the urge to kick it. I'm a terrible object. Yeah, Link, roll a wisdom saving throw. Especially because there's a giant flaming goal behind you. You're telling me a giant opening just opened up
Starting point is 00:14:31 and there's a ball? I'm only going to accept this because I'm in the middle of a scissor kick and because there's a goal in front of me. I feel like my instincts, my killer striker instincts, I got seven wisdom checks. Yeah, so you definitely, you land that bicycle kick and then you perfectly hit and roll
Starting point is 00:14:44 and then the second you get back up, you kick taylor's head directly into hell link what are you doing wait taylor i'm coming for you and i just signed it and i run after the head taylor says avenge me and then his head just sails past nick yeah the portal yeah yeah what nick hears is also whenever you kick a goal, you always gotta follow through in case there's a deflection. So Link is definitely already running after the ball he kicked.
Starting point is 00:15:09 Right, that's fine. No, we'll say you make it. You leap through the portal into hell. So Nick unsheathes his flaming sword and runs screaming at Willy, the weapon held high in his hand. Willy is going to bum rush Nick and tackle him to the ground.
Starting point is 00:15:23 And then he looks to you, Scary, and he says, go break that anchor. I'll take care of him. I'll handle this. Are you sure? Yeah, I mean, it's me. And as he says that, the sword cuts into his face
Starting point is 00:15:33 against the exact same part of his face where the spikes from Lincoln's cleats hit. It cuts his face fucking wide open. And he goes like, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. And then he turns and he raises his sword and he cuts Nick's remaining arm off. What?
Starting point is 00:15:47 All right, blue skidoo, we should too. Yeah, scary hops into hell. So it's normal and Taylor's body are currently on the other side along with Nick and Willie. You hear like, get the body. So like say. What's happening with my body?
Starting point is 00:16:02 Is it just standing there? It's just standing there. You can't control it, it's just standing there. Frozen in the position right before my head got cut off? Yeah. Or is it just like kind of like in a T pose with my body is it just standing there just standing there you can't control it It's just standing there frozen in the position right before my head got cut off Yeah, or is it just like kind of like in a T pose like what is it is in position you're in T-pose all right. It's T-pose. It's rigid. It is rigid in T-pose. I went back to its animation default I'm looking as you have I have a grow arms back But I don't think I do if you want to roll perception also I will give you that opportunity since you're the only one here to see this.
Starting point is 00:16:25 Okay. Well, I got a 15. Okay. So with a 15, slightly better, but not amazing. You can tell that there's no blood spurting from the wounds.
Starting point is 00:16:34 The cut seems to be entirely clean. And just like with Taylor, you didn't hear Nick cry out in pain at all. At least it didn't hurt. Yeah. You get the feeling it's got something to do with the knife and not something to do with Willie. Okay. And not have something to do with how cool and like pain
Starting point is 00:16:46 tolerant taylor is no it's not you're not special if there's one thing i want you to take from this is that you're not special i don't know nick and i'll be like uh mr taylor's dad do you help he ignores you entirely he's too busy headbutting willie and like trying to bite into his fucking carotid artery with his teeth okay uh. Uh, it seems like you got it. You guys do it all right. Good. Go team. And I cast bless Nick and he goes, I'm from hell.
Starting point is 00:17:14 Oh, I'm so sorry. Fuck. I just, I freak out and dive into the portal. Okay. Leaving Taylor's body behind. Great. Oh, no, I grabbed Taylor. No, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:17:23 You said what you said. You panicked. I panicked. I grabbed Taylor's body. No, no, no, no, no. You said what you said. You panicked. I panicked. You panicked. I'm just a head. Yeah. Anthony saw that I was too OP, and so he decided to try and nerf me. Are we in hell now?
Starting point is 00:17:34 Yeah, you're all going through the portal to hell. Yes. I roll to grab Taylor's head. I roll to grab Taylor's head. Ooh, okay. Opposed. Soccer. And I go in first.
Starting point is 00:17:41 Opposed sleight of hand. Opposed soccer. I literally said it before you. It doesn't matter. You're doing an opposed roll simultaneously. I got a first. Opposed sleight of hand. Opposed soccer. I literally said it before you. It doesn't matter. You're doing an opposed rule simultaneously. I got a six. Ten.
Starting point is 00:17:52 Just as scary as reaching out to grab Taylor right by his greasy hair. Greasy? He has a hat on. He has a pork pie hat on. It's greasy. I thought I heard that from the beginning. You reach out to grab him by his pork pie hat. Link, you manage to grab him by the jaw, his open mouth, and you hook your fingers into his...
Starting point is 00:18:04 Yeah, I got him like a bowling ball. Like a thumb and mouth and two fingers up the nose. I was thinking you could do the rainbow. No, that's how I got you. I got you like a bowling ball, Freddie. I thought you were a soccer player. I mean, but, you know, he bowls too. He bowls too?
Starting point is 00:18:18 It's a good night out with your dad. He's bowling. You guys play soccer so he can't do anything else. It's just the only thing he ever talks about. Yeah. Are we surrounded by like flames? Yeah, describe it.
Starting point is 00:18:31 So right now, you're all going through a tunnel that is basically just a big old tube encased in flames that are swirling around you infinitely. Like Alice in Wonderland style? Yeah, pretty much.
Starting point is 00:18:41 You're going through an Alice in Wonderland. If this is a PS2 game, this is where they load the next level while they still play an animation. I throw the pork pie hot into the flames. What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:18:50 Trust me, buddy. That's the best thing I've ever done for you as a friend. What the fuck, Scary? What the hell, Scary? I tried to bite Scary. I tried to point at him.
Starting point is 00:18:56 I guess you got my finger in your mouth. Look at his head. What did you do? You're the worst. You have nothing to say? I take my fingers out of my mouth and I hold the head like at your head so that you two are face to face. Link, throw me at her.
Starting point is 00:19:10 No, I don't know what you're going to do. Throw me at her as hard as you can. Tell her how you feel. Just tell her she sucks. Hey, scary. What the fuck? Uh, guys, you hear normal ahead of you. He's like, uh, I think we can talk about this in a second, but first we should probably watch out because we're about to hit the ground. You get to do one more thing. As you begin to hear the crackling of hellfire
Starting point is 00:19:28 turn into the telltale sound of chestnuts roasting on an open fire and jingle bells surrounding you. And as the fire around you begins to turn from a fire into sort of a blue, cold flame that then begins to make you a little bit chilly, you have one more thing you can do before the portal ends and you've landed.
Starting point is 00:19:44 Okay, what I want to do is I want to take my knee-high soccer socks that I'm wearing and just trap Taylor's head to my shoulder. So, like, you know, I need to hold on to them, but I want to keep my hands free. So what part of Taylor is getting... You've got to put them in your belly
Starting point is 00:20:02 like Krang from the Turtles. Is it, like, around his eyes or his nose? It's like two socks. Like, literally think about it this way, Anthony. It's like two baby straps. It's like shoulder around the head and then around the other armpit around the head. That would be above you. So my head would be sitting on top of you.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Yeah, it's on my shoulder. You're like a parrot. I was going to say you should just put his head in the sock and then poke a couple of eye holes out of it. But then what's the... You can just carry him around. No, I need my hands free for combat. I need my hands free for combat. I need my hands free for combat.
Starting point is 00:20:26 That's why you swing him around. I have news for you, which is you have a brand new melee weapon. Oh, shit. It's pretty cool. That can still happen. But yeah, he's strapped to my shoulder. That's fun. So, very suddenly, the portal around you dissipates, and you hit the ground hard. The ground is snowy
Starting point is 00:20:42 and actually very soft landing for all of you. Ow! She's back. As you look around, you can see that there is a decently long line in front of you leading to a couple of flaming gates. The flaming gates seem to have no effect on the snow surrounding them. And standing next to the gates is someone in a red outfit with a big white beard. But I assume you're going to want to yell at each other first, so go ahead and do that now.
Starting point is 00:21:07 A good DM knows his party. So, do you guys have anything to say? Do we have anything to say, young lady? You got someone killed, and me. Look at his head. What the frick, Scary? How would you feel if someone cut off your own head? Pretty freaking cheesed off, I bet.
Starting point is 00:21:23 You lied to us. This is fucked. You're fucked. You suck to us. This is fucked. You're fucked. You suck. You're the worst person. A tiger does not lose sleep to the opinions of sheep. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:21:32 This shit again. Look, Scary, as someone who, you know, I just want to say, I just want to say, I just want to say, as someone who really tried to get to know you
Starting point is 00:21:43 and to reach out a hand and to be there for you. I just got to say, I'm really upset that you killed our principal and that you lied to us time and time and time and time and time and time again. You know, maybe there's something horrible going on. So I just, all I want to say is, are you okay? Am I okay? Hmm. I cast Mass Suggestion.
Starting point is 00:22:05 Okay, what does that do? That is a spell I suggest a course of activity Limited to a sentence or two And magically influence up to 12 creatures of my choice That I can see within range That can hear and understand me Creatures that can't be charmed are immune to this effect The suggestion must be worded in a manner
Starting point is 00:22:21 To make the course of action sound reasonable Okay Each target must make a wisdom saving throw On a failed save it pursues the course of action you described the best of its ability wow the suggested course of action can continue for the entire duration 24 hours oh as scary no the cat no oh you oh oh excuse me while i play fucking Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, you have a reaction? I step forward and I lean my shoulder so that Taylor's closer to Scary. And I say, I don't think so, Scary. Whatever you're going to tell us. Look, I'm devoted to my friends and you were one of them.
Starting point is 00:22:56 I'm so devoted that I even have aura of devotion, which means me and any friendly creatures within 10 feet cannot be charmed. God damn it. So if you want to do something why don't you just tell the truth for once because we were always there for you even the many times you lied to us we still just kept doing stuff stupidly i might add and you killed so yeah enough of your bullshit like if you want to do something just tell us don't play stupid games you and your friendly characters cannot be charmed while you are conscious what
Starting point is 00:23:22 yeah that's right level seven baby it's literally just a level seven if we had done this an episode earlier you would be able to do it i didn't have mass suggestion until literally right now yeah that is damn guy guys fucking coming through clutch yeah instead of doing a trick why don't you just ask us what you want us to do and we can decide if it's something worth doing, use your human words, you jackass. I'm sorry that you don't trust me anymore. We're sorry. And I want to apologize if you think that you can get the anchor without my help. Because I'm far more powerful than you guys are. And I have
Starting point is 00:24:09 some very powerful friends. And so if you think that you guys can just do a little quickie repeat of what happened that I watched while you were skating around on stairs and killing whales, that's fine. I'm just saying if you actually want to get this anchor and actually make some progress with the doodler, you're going to need me. I don't think we need her. I mean, sure, you were with us. It's not like we kicked you out of the group. This is Gary. You were always with us. You kicked me out of the group when you kicked me out of your home. You killed a guy. You killed a guy, Gary. You killed Tony Pepperoni.
Starting point is 00:24:47 You spent two months watching anime with him. I'm sorry. You watched anime with that man. Why don't you call the cops? Go back to math. Your order of operations is dumb right now. You're going backwards on things that happen. Pimp desk, motherfucker.
Starting point is 00:24:58 You guys are going backwards. I'm going forwards. You're going backwards. You're saying that we did one thing before we did the other thing. You're backwards. I'm backwards? Look at his head.
Starting point is 00:25:05 He's gone. You hear a voice go, one thing before we did the other thing. You're backwards. I'm backwards? Look at his head. He's gone. You hear a voice go, oh, oh, oh, what's all this? What's going on at the back of the line? What's the rumpus? Who are you? I'm Satan Peter. I'm here to see who gets into hell and who has to go to heaven. Oh, oh, oh.
Starting point is 00:25:27 What are you arguing about? Mind your own business, man. Get out of here. Yeah, piss off. Roll intimidation or persuasion. Natural 20. Okay. He just goes back to the fucking,
Starting point is 00:25:44 right back to the gate and just waits there patiently for you to finish this scene not my biz is everyone as nosy as these jackass adults down here hey look we don't need to argue about who's backwards or whatever but like you know i don't care i don't care about i mean i do care about tony but like what did you do to taylor here because he's not dead yeah what's going on scary what happened what did you do to Taylor here? Because he's not dead. Yeah, what's going on, Scarry? So what happened? What did you do? I should have died a samurai's death. And yet here I am strapped to this guy. You are very tall, Link.
Starting point is 00:26:11 Is this what it looks like to be six foot four? It's pretty nice up here, isn't it? It's crazy how much better everything is from up here. You never realized it because you spent most of my time in sort of the mid fives. I was about half a degree hotter up here. Feels nice. So this is what the a degree hotter up here. Feels nice. So this is what the weather's like up here. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
Starting point is 00:26:29 I was just thinking about something that Willie told me. All right. Hey, old man, come back. Old man, come back. Oh, now I'm welcome in this conversation? Well, now we're done with our conversation. So now you can talk. Oh, thank you, sir.
Starting point is 00:26:42 We're done now because you decide that we're done? You just said we're done, Gary. Go away, old man. Okay. I'll be over here when you need me. All right. Why am I still talking? I never thought
Starting point is 00:26:53 I'd have to do this with my own friends, but there's an ancient technique passed down from oak to oak to oak that is used in situations like this and maybe it can help us all through and we can come up with what we're going to do. Because as far as I can see,
Starting point is 00:27:07 we're stuck in frozen hell until we can figure out what the heck we're doing. Clearly there's a lot of energy here that we need to resolve. You know what ancient technique I wish you would use, Norm? You know, like water and soap. Water and soap, buddy.
Starting point is 00:27:21 That's what ancient technology. Okay. Okay. Now we're having a dialogue and one of the things that i've learned from my family that i've used many times as a teen counselor is this and i break off an icicle and i say this is the feeling stick this is hell and i start jumping i just try to jump as high as i can do i go back to the portal throw the feeling stick at you pay attention to me i'm trying to help us all
Starting point is 00:27:45 get through this, okay? You're mad at Scary. I'm mad at Scary. Scary's dumb and bad and she'll murder her. And a murderer! We're all in this situation, right? So let's just, let's figure out what we're doing. Scary has all this knowledge about stuff that's going on that we don't know anything about.
Starting point is 00:28:00 So here's what I'm saying. Forget the feeling stick. And I start digging a hole in the ground. And I say, why don't we just, we all put our feelings for the moment in this hole, okay? So we can just Like that hole could fit all my feelings? Oh my god! Hey, why don't you put that hole somewhere else?
Starting point is 00:28:15 Yo, it's scary! Why don't you shove your head up your butt? You're so mean! You're so mean to everyone and all we've ever tried to do is be nice to you and welcome you into the group and you're just such a you're just such a bitch. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, normal, normal.
Starting point is 00:28:31 Who did a slow? Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Somebody's been naughty! I swear to god, old man, if you come here one more time before you're asked for. I'm sorry, I just heard someone say something anti-woman. I deserve to be here. I was gonna say you belong here.
Starting point is 00:28:47 Take me to hell and I start wandering off with the old man. So immediately the gates open just for you, normal. Everybody else sees them as still closed but they're open for you. He goes, you belong in here. He gestures towards the gate. There's an elevator, there's murderers, thieves, rapists. People say bitch. Kids who say bitch.
Starting point is 00:29:03 Kids who say the B word. Yeah, kids who say the B word specifically. I'll see you guys later. Follow the guy in the house. I tried to grab him to stop him. Just hang on. Just look. Normal, you were right.
Starting point is 00:29:13 What? What, old man? What? I'm just saying if you wanted to go with him, it seems like you all have some sins that you've done, some bad things. And if all you have to do is make that obvious, then the gates of hell will open
Starting point is 00:29:25 to you. What sins have you done recently? Or anything that you think is worth sort of confessing to me, Satan Peter? Wait, why would I tell you anything? It's my job! Hey, Ding Dong, we got, there's an anchor here! Okay, scary, scary. Where's the anchor? Don't ask her, I'm the one
Starting point is 00:29:42 with the connection to the doodler, it's over there now! Oh, is it? Oh, is it? Okay, good to know. Normally, if you want to roll Arcana, I got a 15. All right, with a 15, you know that the anchor is at the lowest level of hell, at the bottom.
Starting point is 00:29:55 Where the B word is. Where the B word is. Yeah. Man. Yep. You know what? Yeah, there's now eight levels to hell, and the eighth level is saying the B word.
Starting point is 00:30:08 I'm ready to say what I did wrong. Uh-oh. Go ahead. Don't get your hopes up. It's going to be a big head fake. It's going to be like you think she's going to be honest for a second, and then she says something that just doubles down on how shitty she is. I lied to all of my friends and everybody who loves me a couple of days ago what was the lie
Starting point is 00:30:28 i said that my stomach didn't hurt that bad you see you see wow she is a bitch oh no oh no and fucking like the monsters from Ghost, the shadow creatures just grab him and drag him all the way back in. And then another one comes by who sounds the same but looks very different. Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes, lying.
Starting point is 00:30:56 That's pretty good. So you see the gates of hell open to you. By and being super selfish. Do we have to get into the last layer though? Well, once you're in hell, there's sort of a lobby and then if you want to like go down to the deepest layers, we allow to get into the last layer, though? Well, once you're in hell, there's sort of a lobby, and then if you want to, like, go down to the deepest layers, we allow you to visit the people who choose to live there. It's sort of a free love
Starting point is 00:31:11 kind of thing, where you can just sort of set up shop wherever you like. Sounds like one of those prisons in Northern Europe, you know, where they let them do potty. Kind of, those are good. Uh, I think. I haven't done that much research. But anyway, there are circles for all of the eight sins. Lust, gluttony, pride, greed, wrath, sloth, envy, and saying the B word.
Starting point is 00:31:32 For the people who are most guilty of those things, they tend to enjoy spending eternity there with other like-minded sinners. So if you want to just go through, you can. It's up to you. So we know that the anchor's in the B word place? Yes. That's where I belong. Well, yeah, but I'm asking you. You said you felt it's up to you so we know that the anchor is in the b word place yes that's where i belong so yeah i'm asking you you said you felt it there yeah i did right i got a 15 on my arcana
Starting point is 00:31:51 you definitely felt it's down there yes at least that far down if not further all right first i'm gonna cast a zone of truth okay because i got zone of truth does everybody have to roll to see i think it's like saving throws i feel like i don't have a save because i don't have a body and also i'm on your head don't try lying to me matt can i have a body and also I'm on your head. Don't try lying to me. Matt, can I get over your shoulder? Sure, if that works for you. Oh, yeah, that's what I thought you were doing.
Starting point is 00:32:11 Oh, you want your voice to come out of my microphone? I just think that for the role play of this episode. Okay. Oh, my God. You don't want to sit like that for an hour. That's wild. That's pretty good. How are you feeling, Matt?
Starting point is 00:32:23 We've been closer than this. You want to get like a stool or something? Yeah, so you able to sit right yeah you'll know this you'll know this there's a couple of things happening one's very relaxed the tone of my voice is changing yeah it is because your throat's like on my shoulder how does this feel for you this feels fine it feels like a nice little vibrating i think it looks beautiful it looks good it looks like yeah It looks good. It looks like friendship. Not too much. Taylor doesn't have a beard. No, but Taylor has his double, for sure. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:52 And a couple pointy shits. You gotta shave better, Taylor. Are you shaving now? Not yet. Me neither. I think you could, though. I feel it. So it's down here. The rest of you, so two of you are welcome in hell because one of you said the B word and the other one lied and is also kind of selfish. Can we just say bitch?
Starting point is 00:33:11 Whoa. What's wrong with you? All right. It looks like I got one way ticket or wait, hopefully not. No, it's one way. Hell is forever. Well, why would we want to go in then? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:33:22 Cause you're some pretty sick fucks. Okay. Well. Saying the B word like sick fucks. Okay, well. Saying the B word like that. Yeah, well, Scary, you know, sometimes there's only one word to express how somebody's been acting. Yeah. And I'm not saying what that word is because I've already said it once. If you say it again, you go to mega hell.
Starting point is 00:33:41 You don't want that. All right, now, Taylor, what about you? What sins have you done? I am without sin. Okay, well, just say the B words and we can all go. Fuck. I'll tell you what I've done wrong. There was a person I trusted who turned out to be, dare I say it, it's so scary to say it, guys, a total biatch.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Dunk out. Dunk out. A total biatch. It has to be clear enough that if somebody had like an auto-generated captions thing, it would come out clear as day. You don't need to direct it. I heard you say it out to the sky. Bitch!
Starting point is 00:34:34 Whoa! Three rowdy boys and a liar. That's the name of the episode. That's the name of the episode. Three rowdy boys and a liar. Bienvenido a la hell. The liar of the bitch of the episode that's the name of the episode three rowdy boys and a liar bienvenido a la hell the lawyer of eviction in the wardrobe holy shit wow
Starting point is 00:34:52 wow wow okay so the gates of hell open to all of you and you can see that you are currently on the highest level
Starting point is 00:35:01 of hell the lobby the chill zone green hell zone yeah green hell zone. Yeah, green hell zone. You're on fire today. Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:35:13 The lobby looks like the fucking part in Nightmare Before Christmas where everybody temporarily really loves Christmas. It's just like a lot of spooky demons, a lot of creepy ghouls all hanging out, making snowmen, hanging lights, singing Christmas carols. They're somehow still pretty psyched about Christmas up here. And beneath you, there's basically a big hole in the center of this disc that is the chill zone of hell. Through the hole, you can see down to the next level and you smell... Careful, Will. What was that?
Starting point is 00:35:39 Through the hole and I hear Will. Well, incidentally, you see lust down there. Oh, wow. The lust circle. And yeah, there's a small hole there and it seems like... It's you see lust down there. Oh, wow. The lust circle. And yeah, there's a small hole there and it seems like you could just keep-
Starting point is 00:35:48 It's not like D.O. and latex. Oh, my God. It does. It does. Oh, sorry. Is that you, Link? Do they use condoms in hell? Well, no.
Starting point is 00:35:57 There's other uses for latex. That would be hell. Sorry. No, but wouldn't that be hell? In heaven, they raw dog. You can have all the sex in the world with a condom. No. You get it on the wrong way every time you try.
Starting point is 00:36:17 This layer is ribbed for your suffering. Holy shit. That's something we could sell. We could sell custom condoms that say ribbed for your suffering. That's very good. So what would you like to do? You could hang out in chill zone or you could go downward. Scary, what are you doing with us?
Starting point is 00:36:34 Yeah, you're not allowed here, Scary. Did he roll for a zone of truth? That spell I just cast? No. You gotta roll for it. I will. Fucking natural one. All right, so yeah, you got zone of truth.
Starting point is 00:36:44 What did Willie tell you? Willie told me. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You can not answer, right? You are aware of the spell and can choose to avoid answering questions, but if you do answer a question, it cannot be a lie. You can be evasive in answers, but it still has to remain within the
Starting point is 00:36:59 boundaries of the truth. So you can do lie of omission if you want. You cannot perjure yourself. I'm here to destroy the anchor just like you are. Why? That's, you know, one more anchor down. Okay, but like, what does Willie want to do with the doodler? Why did Willie have to cut off Taylor's head? Easy.
Starting point is 00:37:16 If you call Taylor a bitch, you can go to hell with us. Taylor's been a bitch forever. In the distance. You can't say it in hell either. I can say bitch because I'm a woman it's true there's only men in the b-word circle that tracks why am i still alive scary well he cut your head off with this really cool knife that's called like the butter knife or something it's called the i can't believe it's not butter knife and this was sent to us by anthony landa thank you anthony landa fuck you anthony which anthony i'm talking about take your choice It's called the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Knife, and this was sent to us by Anthony Landa. Thank you, Anthony Landa.
Starting point is 00:37:45 Fuck you, Anthony. Which Anthony I'm talking about, take your pick. Who knows? This item can cut through anything as if it were butter, from iron to body parts. The item does zero damage. A person cut by this knife will not even bleed, so you can cut them into 100 pieces and they still won't die.
Starting point is 00:37:58 It is impossible to die from this knife alone. However, they can die if, for example, you cut off their head and then do something to it, like burning it. Anything cut by this knife can be easily put back together by just reattaching the part. Oh, cool can die if, for example, you cut off their head and then do something to it like burning it. Anything cut by this knife can be easily put back together by just reattaching the part. Oh, cool.
Starting point is 00:38:08 So you brought the body, right? Normal. That was the last thing I said as I was flying into hell. Well, yeah. Not fair enough. It's my bad. No, you tried.
Starting point is 00:38:17 At least you didn't act like scary. You're better than scary, that's for sure. Thank you. Yeah. But not much, though. Well, no, don't say that. We got to stick together,
Starting point is 00:38:24 the three of us. I don't really have much of a choice. Yeah, we got to stick together. the three of us we gotta stick together so again back to the question like okay fine so he did that but why did he have to do it to oh to get us into hell because nick would come oh wow it's like you're telling the truth now yeah i always do i always have i don't zone of truth on this brain all the time well i mean so do i i tell the truth constantly you just told santa claus over there that you lie so either that was a lie i don't know what you're talking about maybe you're mispronouncing things mispronouncing mispronouncing yeah okay fine whatever yeah whatever we don't need to do this with scary anyway look are you being like manipulated are you like are you okay
Starting point is 00:39:01 well i didn't mention that stomach ache. Are you really? You have no remorse for killing Tony Pepperoni. And you're under the zone of truth, I might add. Oh, yeah. Hey, hold on. Is Tony here? Tony's a Christian.
Starting point is 00:39:15 So he doesn't have that. Tony was baptized. You said he was racist. He's baptized. It's out of my hands. Wait, our Lee Connolly was baptized. Yeah. He's baptized. It's out of my hands. Wait, our late canonical was baptized. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:29 Just in case. No, it was a bad baptism. They did it in Gatorade. Oh, no. Yeah, that makes sense. I cry if I want. It's a sports baptism. I refuse to drink any water
Starting point is 00:39:42 that doesn't have sugar in it. They tried to bless the water, but it was just a universal life church priest. It wasn't a real one. So back to my question. Scary, do you feel no remorse for any of the horrible things you've done? The fine horrible. I mean, you let Willie in and he killed Tony Pepperoni. You don't feel bad about that?
Starting point is 00:40:00 Yeah, man has a family. Did you listen to Erica Drippins' podcast last week? Of course I listened to it. I'm a white woman between the ages of 15 and 55 well you know that she's coming for you then yeah well how do you feel how do you feel about the fact that you left a woman without her husband you left a daughter without her father oh oh wow there's so much worse things in the world than a daughter without her father right right is that the worst thing that could happen? When he gets murdered it's pretty bad. Yeah, you all people should understand that. I would argue
Starting point is 00:40:29 having a father and then watching your father get murdered is probably bad. Probably. Alright, this is going nowhere, boys. You know what? That's fine. You can come along with us, but just know, you know what? If your dad hadn't left before, he would have left now, that's for sure. Whoa! Wow! Jesus fucking holy shit.
Starting point is 00:40:45 Scary, I think you take some psychic damage there. Holy shit. So I had to roll a D20 for psychic damage. Hey, Link. That's a 19. Wow. Really got to her. Hey, Link.
Starting point is 00:40:56 Yeah. That's pretty jacked up, man. Look, I feel pretty bad about what I said, but I don't want her to know I feel bad. Oh, that's fine. Oh, is somebody over there feeling bad for what they said? No. No. In fact, he just whispered in my ear. over there feeling bad for what they said? No. No. In fact, he just whispered in my ear.
Starting point is 00:41:07 He just said, hell yeah, I'll do it again. Fucking crazy, man. I put my hand up for a high five. Like the all-time weak man. He just licks your finger. Don't do that. Well, don't put your hand in front of my hand. Good.
Starting point is 00:41:23 You know, it sounds like the band's back together. And we can, you know, and actually, you know, now speaking of bands being back together, I still need to record my album. So maybe we can all get together and do that. Let's just get, we got three more anchors. Let's just get it done so we can fix our dad's mistake and we can go back to whatever. And I do have some thoughts on the album. Old man.
Starting point is 00:41:42 Satan Claus here. Satan Peter Claus is my full name. Hello. Where do we have to go? We gotta go to the bitch zone, right? What's the fastest way to the B word zone? Probably just going down the holes in each of the other sin zones on the way down. Wait, so...
Starting point is 00:41:56 Okay, some like playgrounds have these things where it's just like eight layers of trampolines and then there's like a hole somewhere in there. Yeah, but they're not all lined up. Yeah, they're not all lined up. So we can't just go straight down. I mean, I guess if you had some sort of drill or item that then there's like a hole somewhere in there. Yeah, but they're not all lined up. Yeah, they're not all lined up. So we can't just go straight down. I mean, I guess if you had some sort of drill or item that allowed you to like... No. Now. But now you forgot to get items
Starting point is 00:42:12 from the game before you jumped through that hole. Alright, Scary. We'll allow you to come with us on one condition, which is that we're in charge. You're not the leader anymore. And also, we're not listening to you or acknowledging your presence, right guys? If we don't want to talk to you, we're not going to talk to you. And if you think you're going to kill anybody to get this thing,
Starting point is 00:42:28 then you can think again, because we're not doing that. I probably wouldn't think about killing them. I'd probably just do it. Yeah, that makes sense. So do you guys want to get to the bitch zone super fast? Yeah, let's go. I've got this item that I think will maybe work. It's called the paintbrush of passage.
Starting point is 00:42:44 The paintbrush of passage allows he who wields it to paint a door using a limited supply of paint on the brush, coating it in a magical substance which is only visible to the user. They are then able to use the remaining paint to paint one further door, just activating the spell and creating the link between the two doors.
Starting point is 00:42:59 So, oh, so I would need to go. You need to go down there. Yeah, you need to go down to another layer, Scary, for that to work. Also, it says, he who wields the... No one doesn't say that. That was from Benjamil Reed.
Starting point is 00:43:11 Thank you, Ben. Well, at least we can get back up faster. Always be thinking. That's true. Always thinking. I hate her, but she's right. That's a good idea. I mean, bad people can have good ideas.
Starting point is 00:43:19 E.G. A lot of movies are weird. Must suck to be a bad person with bad ideas then, huh, Link? Yo! Yo, that would suck. Scary, this, all right. This is going to be a bad person with bad ideas then huh link scary this all right this is gonna go a lot better if we just none of us talk to each other or we don't talk to scary and scary doesn't talk to us as i said before a tiger does not lose anyway guys i guess we're gonna have to go through all of these other spots over the bad opinions of sheep.
Starting point is 00:43:46 Just ignore her. It's fine. Just walk faster. We're all taller than her. I'm not taller than her. Me and Link are taller than her. Yeah. My mom says I'm a short king.
Starting point is 00:43:55 I stomp indignantly down into the realm of lust. Yes. So you drop down the gaping hole into lust. Your feet land on something wet and squishy and soft and pungent. As you all drop down there, you see Satan Peter's head pop over the aperture. Thank you. Over the aperture and go, by the way. A butthole's an aperture. Yes, it is. By the way, hell is a place of your own creation.
Starting point is 00:44:17 So it's going to look into your brains and create things that are related to that sin. So sorry in advance. So it's going to search all of your brains for something to create that will, in some way, torture you or cause you anguish. I have ideas as for what these things could be for each of the sins, but if any of you have, like, a thing that you want to volunteer, like, oh, this is what, you know, normal's lust thing would be,
Starting point is 00:44:40 then feel free to, if you wish. Try to keep it in your pants this level, eh, boys? Why don't you keep your... Just shut up! You see the image of Hiro Okasualos appear in front of you. Hiro, what are you doing here? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's...
Starting point is 00:44:55 Is this your brain, dude? No! This looks like your brain, you pervert! Absolutely not! Wow! I feel like Taylor Roll Deception. Why is my shoulder so wet? Awoo-ga. Awoo-ga. Taylor rolls a 10 plus 3, 13.
Starting point is 00:45:14 Okay. Would you like to roll insights normal? Can I get advantage on my head? Yeah. Oh my gosh. You know what I did. I got 16. What did you roll? I got a 19. 13. Okay. I know. Everybody knows. There's blood shooting out of his nose and two big blush spots and a huge sweat bead popping off of his head. Sorry. I got 16. What did you roll? I got a 19. 13. Okay, I know. Everybody knows. There's blood shooting out of his nose and two big blush spots and a huge sweat bead
Starting point is 00:45:27 popping off of his head. I got nosebleed. Can somebody help? All right, you have a crush on my sister. It's fine. I don't care. I don't like my sister and I'm in a bad mood right now,
Starting point is 00:45:35 so I don't care. Hi, hero. Hey, hero. Is she real? No, I'm not real. I'm from his fucking mind. He likes what I mean to him, you stupid little
Starting point is 00:45:45 you're a piece of shit and you called me a bitch I said and you called me it's like she's worse silent treatment so she goes well
Starting point is 00:45:56 you don't seem that tortured honestly I am what you're kind of you're kind of taking this more in stride than I would have thought it's pretty rad right now
Starting point is 00:46:04 hey how's it going? How's your job? I thought you'd be more embarrassed, but no, that's fine. I'm not embarrassed at all. I'll lead you to the gluttony. That's fine. You also said you're not really you, so like. Yeah, you're not really you.
Starting point is 00:46:14 You're just a projection of my mind. What if I am real? Is that different? Is that weirder? Maybe if you animate it up a little bit. Put on cat ears. All right. Just a second.
Starting point is 00:46:23 And Hero bamfs away, and then she comes back in she goes both nostrils are bleeding i pull the knee-high socks over taylor's eyes like man just just stay strong let's just keep walking. Hey, hold on! Roll a wisdom saving throw. Anybody who would hypothetically be attracted to this, which I think is just Taylor. That's 11 plus zero 11. Okay, so you do not manage to save from the sound.
Starting point is 00:46:59 Like you got a split second view of her with her big bunny ears and her like Jessica Rabbit proportion. She like looks like a pillow come to life. And her braces. And her braces. She's also doing, how do you say it? Ahego?
Starting point is 00:47:11 No. Ahego. Ahego. She's doing that. Oh, God. But you just get a bare, just a burlesque show glimpse of that before the sock covers your eyes. Oh, Taylor John. And you'll miss her for the rest of your life.
Starting point is 00:47:32 You make it to a hole leading down to, you see people indulging in just delicious food and they're not getting any sicker or bigger or anything like that. You just see delicious food down there. Everybody's gorging themselves and actually have a great time with it. Alright, snack up. Let's keep going. We have to get through this, okay? Just eat on the road. I grab whatever is there as I keep eating.
Starting point is 00:47:47 So we're on- No, Link, what are you doing? What? Don't eat this thing. You see Payne's labyrinth? Don't eat anything. Hey, Link, there's some Pocky over there. Feed me.
Starting point is 00:47:54 I grab Pocky and I take one bite for me and one bite for him. I just go kind of back and forth. So both of you make wisdom saving throws at disadvantage. Because you chose to do it. 13 plus two. First one's to do it. 13 plus two. First one's 18. Ooh. 12.
Starting point is 00:48:08 12. Okay, so both of you feel like, actually, maybe it's best if we just stay here. Maybe this is the place you were meant to be. This place has rules. Norm, have you had Pocky before? They got all the flavors. They have all the flavors.
Starting point is 00:48:21 Even flavors I haven't seen before. I really don't think we should eat any food here, guys. I agree with Norm. Thanks for bringing it up, Norm. It's really, yeah, like, you had a great idea just now. Really? Yeah, to keep going. I'm so impressed, dude.
Starting point is 00:48:35 Oh, well, thank you. You know, I get the feeling that you're telling us real things, but then you're trying to make it sound sarcastic so we won't believe you, so I accept the compliment. Even though, what am I doing? You're a murderer. Link, this Pocky is Pocky flavored. No, no, no. It's P. So I accept the compliment. What am I doing? You're a murderer. Link, this Pocky is Pocky flavored. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:48:47 It's Pocky flavored Pocky. What could it mean? When you turn around, you know, like those cartoons when like. They both turned into pigs, like in Spirit of the White. Or they put like 26 of dynamite in mouth. It's like, like they're full of mouth. They're just full of Pocky. Yeah, you're eating spaghetti.
Starting point is 00:49:01 It's just barbed wire. They just. Oh my God. Flavor of Pocky at once. No, no, guys. Scary, look, help me get them out of here. We got to get them out of this zone, right? Like, this is awful.
Starting point is 00:49:09 Okay, guys. Yeah, from where you are, you can see the hole leading to the next zone. All right, I'll drag him, you push him. And I just... Okay. I grabbed Link's arms and I start dragging him towards the hole.
Starting point is 00:49:18 Wow, see what we can accomplish with teamwork, right, Lor? Should we strike? Yeah. I don't know. Is it better than being with some creepy jerk and, you know, who know who sucks yeah if i knew any creepy jerks i certainly wouldn't want to be around them that would be awful and don't sell yourself short man i don't think you're that creepy well first of all thank you i appreciate
Starting point is 00:49:36 that that touches a sore spot with me i kind of do kind of feel like maybe i give off creep vibes so that feels good to hear that oh no more no. More like freak, but not creep. Well, okay. We're back there. It's like spaghetti and Lady and the Tramp, but it's 20 Pockys between me and Taylor. Like we're just connected. And no matter how much we eat,
Starting point is 00:49:57 the Pocky never goes away. It just keeps from the middle. Making more. Pocky. Pocky. And it's actually just like iron hot rods of steel that you're just burning you. Both of you take 2d12 damage. Wait, I have a question though.
Starting point is 00:50:11 2d12? It's hell. So I take 15 damage. Ouch. But I have a question. Oh, does it come out the bottom? Yeah, what's going on with like... What you eat just goes through the bottom of your neck.
Starting point is 00:50:22 So you take half damage. So you have less pipe spurts to go through? Yeah, it's not burning up your gully so you take half damage. Is there a bus pipe spur to go through? Yeah, it's not burning up your gullyworks because your gullyworks are on a different plane. Normal, you gotta try these pockets. I'll push. I got a six. Okay.
Starting point is 00:50:32 Go ahead and roll strength checks. Taylor does not get a roll of strength checks. He's literally attached to my shoulder. No, no, no. Link, feed me. I got a 19. Wow. Link, feed me.
Starting point is 00:50:41 I got an 18. Wow. So with incredible strength, you somehow managed to overpower the six-foot-four Link. You got the same roll, Dave. I got an 18. Wow. So with incredible strength, you somehow managed to overpower the six-foot-four Link. We even got the same roll, 19. It's teamwork. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about
Starting point is 00:50:50 with the sarcasm thing. So you managed to successfully drag the lady in the tramping, Lincoln Taylor, all the way to a hole that from it seems to emanate pure, unbridled confidence. All right, let's go there. Yeah, I know where to go. Just follow me.
Starting point is 00:51:04 And I just start walking without caring where I'm going. So the second you land, you immediately are overcome with the thought of like, oh, I did the right thing fucking walking ahead of everybody. We're killing it.
Starting point is 00:51:13 We're killing it, dude. Hey, hey. Link. Follow me. Link, you and me? Yeah. I think we are natural born leaders. Well, it's that way, of course.
Starting point is 00:51:21 Yeah. Don't worry about it. Over here. So both of you are all wisdom saved for the rest of the day. So what is in... 15. I got 19. Wow, okay, so you managed to... Sometimes when you're confident, you're that way, of course. Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's over here. So both of you are always the same. So what is in... I got 19. Wow.
Starting point is 00:51:27 Okay, so you managed to... Sometimes when you're confident, you're also right, Anthony. Yeah. Just deal with it. Yeah, you're totally right. What do we see in the zone of pride, I guess, right? Just a man and his head friend just on his shoulder. His head friend.
Starting point is 00:51:37 His head friend. Bros, is it gay to have a head friend? Bros, is it gay to have a head friend? That's finally one of those where it is gay. What's a little head between friends? So yeah, you land and you see in addition
Starting point is 00:51:49 to a very prideful, but correctly prideful, Taylor and Link, and also around you a bunch of other people who live here just looking very just smug, just a lot of smug
Starting point is 00:51:56 people just, just, just enjoying the presence of themselves in a variety of different environs. But you feel something tickling within your head, normal, and you
Starting point is 00:52:04 see Teenie the Teen manifest in front of you. He goes, give me a T, give me an E. I've got nothing but pride for Teen High. Pride! Don't you love Teen High? What's your favorite thing about Teen High, Normal? Myself. I'm the best fucking student in this school.
Starting point is 00:52:23 No one appreciates me. Everyone talks about how stupid I am, but I'm the only one who cares about this school. I'm the whole reason the team this school. No one appreciates me. Everyone talks about how stupid I am, but I'm the only one who cares about this school. I'm the whole reason the team even went to state last year. I'm the reason the marking band knows what it's doing. I'm the reason all the cheerleaders flip and cry and jump and shout. I'm the one holding it all up.
Starting point is 00:52:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, you should be very confident about that answer. It didn't come off as unhinged or deranged at all. I did it because it's true. Give me an M. Give me an E. What does it spell? Me.
Starting point is 00:52:46 You. Teenie the Teenie grabs you up like you're fucking Simba. And he goes, look, look, everyone. It's the best student in Teen High. Hooray. And he keeps throwing you up and catching you. And Chris Wiggett Taylor turned like, who's that? Finally, everyone likes me.
Starting point is 00:52:59 Oh, thank God. I can like myself. This may actually end up being better for him in the long run. I'm certain that everything that's happening to him is good for him. Absolutely. Normal screaming, I'm normal! I'm finally normal! Teeny looks at you, Link, and Taylor and goes, I'm going to do this forever.
Starting point is 00:53:17 I got 19, which means even though I'm confident, I'm okay. Yeah, you're fine. You can act more or less like yourself without being controlled by the pride. I think he succumbed to this realm in the same way that we succumbed to that delicious, delicious pot. Can we go back? Can we just go get Pocky?
Starting point is 00:53:32 Wait. Scary, can we go back and get Pocky? Hey, Scary, we need a boost. I'm confident that you cannot go back and get Pocky. Okay, well, normal. Hey, buddy, we gotta get out of here. Do you guys want to go to the pep rally?
Starting point is 00:53:44 We're all going later. We're going out for sodas. We're going to the sock hop and then me and all the popular kids we got to get out of here. Do you guys want to go to the pep rally? We're all going later. Then we're going out for sodas. We're going to the sock hop. And then me and all the popular kids are going to get along and be best friends. And everyone's going to love me. That's a great idea. I think the pep rally is that way. And I point to wherever the exit is.
Starting point is 00:53:54 All right, roll deception. Guys, again, I say it really confidently. Sure. Nice. That's how we got Enron. Sorry, let me update that. That's how we got Theranos. Nice.
Starting point is 00:54:05 There's one to three. Second one. Nice. First one's a three. Second one's a 16. Wow. Roll insight normal. Well, I got a five. Okay. So it goes, sounds great, buddy.
Starting point is 00:54:13 Just one drop of blood. No one would ever lie to me because everybody loves me. And then I backflip out of Teeny Teen's arms and I land in the greased lightning car from Greece. And I kind of rev the engine and throw an arm like Hermes there and I give him a smooch on the cheek
Starting point is 00:54:24 and then I just floor it and just drive straight towards the exit. Okay, so does this mean then that, Link, you turned off your zone of truth so that you could lie? Oh, but does zone of truth
Starting point is 00:54:34 apply to the caster? It's anybody in that zone. I assumed you chose yourself so that everybody around you... You canonically said that the zone of truth is always on in your own head. That's true.
Starting point is 00:54:41 That's true. That's true. You're probably confident that I don't need this anymore. I can trust myself to tell the truth. It also has a duration of 10 minutes which was a while ago. Yeah, sure. I guess I would have turned it off. I guess we could also talk about the metaphysical idea of whether or not this is actually a lie when we're
Starting point is 00:54:54 in an imaginary state in the first place and in many ways, the exit is where the prep rally is for him. Because it's not hell, yeah. Okay, sure. Good point. Everything you just described happens and you you grease drive into the hole down to
Starting point is 00:55:07 oh does the car take off like into the sky it does yes it takes off into the sky but then very quickly does a precipitous drop like fucking splash mountain down into a hole
Starting point is 00:55:15 where just there's just money everywhere before I leave I grab a application to Harvard an application to to Arsenal
Starting point is 00:55:22 and I go why not just fill it out? And I ship it in the mail. I love that. Hell just has applications. Stanford has a new campus in hell. You miss every shot.
Starting point is 00:55:32 You don't take. Yep. And I make every, what I do. So as you, as you head into the layer of greed, all of that positivity, you snap out of it pretty quickly.
Starting point is 00:55:44 Like you don't quite feel as confident anymore. You don't quite feel... I applied to Arsenal. I don't even know who I am. That's probably going to be on a blacklist. I'll never be able to go to professional sports ever again. They're going to look at that and be like, who is this idiot? That's okay, because you'll be rich.
Starting point is 00:55:56 Look at all this money! So what I assumed would show up here was based on the premise that I would remember that Hermione Worthy existed, and I didn't. So my assumption is that he's still on Earth. Did we all forget about Hermie too? I think Taylor had him join you. No, no, no. Hermie was with us, but then my head got cut off.
Starting point is 00:56:14 And then very quickly, in short succession, we all jumped into a portal. I feel like Hermie would have jumped after you. Hermie was just really quiet during that action scene. Wait, was that actually Hermie I kissed on the cheek? No, I don't know. I assume that was a mental projection of that action scene. Wait, was that actually Hermie I kissed on the cheek then? No, I didn't know. I assumed that was a mental projection of my head. Yes, it was a mental projection.
Starting point is 00:56:29 And then what happened to the real Hermie? Wait, did Hermie see me kiss him? So he turned around and Hermie's like, Hermie is fucking furious. Hermie, you've been here this whole time? Green with jealousy and the poison ivy outfit that he is quickly assembling out of felt and fabric. And he goes, I've been here the whole time.
Starting point is 00:56:43 Oh, so now you know what it's like. Yeah, I do. I do. I'm just trying to get notes for Dante's Infer goes, I've been here the whole time. Oh, so now you know what it's like. Yeah, I do. I do. I'm just trying to get notes for Dante's Inferno, the play that we might put on. It does make sense. I forgot they're making a play out of that video game. It does make sense.
Starting point is 00:56:53 Hermes' hell would be for none of us to notice him. Yeah. That is the ultimate theater kid hell. Yeah. Hey, Hermes. So you, what's up? So he turns his head away from me. He goes, don't bother now.
Starting point is 00:57:05 The zone of truth is off. I can't believe anything you're saying anyhow. But why not? I thought we were special. But you saw who I was in the car with, right? Yeah. But it was you. No, it wasn't.
Starting point is 00:57:15 It wasn't? I thought it was you. It wasn't me. But I thought it was you. But it wasn't. But I thought it was you, though. Do you know? Do you see what I mean?
Starting point is 00:57:23 I thought it was you. Wow, making a lot of progress here, Norm. I feel like the greed thing that comes up for Hermie is just every Batman villain shows up, and he's like, I want to be them all. Oh, this is where I could finally be me. Look, it's Condiment King and Calendar Man. Clock Man.
Starting point is 00:57:38 Yeah, Man Bat, Solomon Grundy. Oh, and he's just walking around going, I could be everything I want to be here. This is the ultimate stage for my performances. Well, guys,'s just walking around going, I could be everything I want to be here. This is the ultimate stage for my performances. Well, guys, the good news is we can just move on without having to worry about it.
Starting point is 00:57:50 All right, Hermie, you lock it down here. Okay, no problem. I grab Hermie and I say, Hermie, the only person you need to be is yourself. He goes, but who is that? That's what you need to find out.
Starting point is 00:57:59 And it really was you that I saw that I thought it was you in the car. It wasn't me, though. It was, but I thought it was you. And you know, you're such a good actor. Can you kick both of them? Hermie,
Starting point is 00:58:07 if this is the worst problem you two have in whatever this relationship is, I think it's good. I think you two are going to be all right. So like, can we just move on? And he goes, fine, fine.
Starting point is 00:58:18 And he looks fondly at the rogues gallery of Batman villains as he moves away from them. He goes, he who makes a monster for himself removes the pain of being a man. Don't worry, some of those villains are probably going to be in that last layer, too. You'll see them again. Because the B-word is me! Now you head down to another level that
Starting point is 00:58:37 just, you're just angry. You just fucking feel fucking rage. Have you seen these dubs? No, I'm serious. They really ruined the legacy. You know what's scary? I'm getting really mad at you right now. It's because you don't seem affected by any of this hell stuff, and I want to know why that is. What's that like, you little pussy? To be so angry at
Starting point is 00:58:56 something, but nobody to aim it at except for dumb old me, right? I mean, that's a pretty good target. We're all angry at you. You also hear Santa in the distance. Again, she's a girl, so she can say that. It's fine. None of us were asking you, asshole. She's not going to the P word zone. What? Shut up. The what? Wasn't funny. Got it. You said pussy. I thought it was going to be if I said penis. Yeah, those are hell. You stick with your bad joke. Oh, no. That's actually pretty funny because like, what if I said penis and I
Starting point is 00:59:21 got like sent to a deeper level of hell for no reason? Girl can't say penis. What do we see in the anger zone? In the anger zone, I feel like you all see the angriest versions of yourself after Scary betrayed you. You see yourself. Me with my body. You with your body. All of you kind of almost through Scary's eyes of like fucking fire and shit in your eyes.
Starting point is 00:59:41 And you're just screaming like, get the fuck out. You betrayed us. You lied to us. Get the fuck out of my house, Scary shit he's catatonic he just drops to his knees and starts crying who's time is she on anyway scary is this hell for you is this your vision of hell all of us being mad at you are you really suffering right now no this is just day in the life yeah like you think she cares that we're mad at her i mean i do think she does care that we're mad i mean i think if she cared we're mad at her? I mean, I do think she does care that we're mad at her.
Starting point is 01:00:05 I mean, I think if she cared that we were mad at her, she would have done different things. Shut up. You guys are making my stomach ache worse. Yeah. Question. The Taylor that I see at this level of hell, how supple is his body?
Starting point is 01:00:18 I would say it's more. Medium supple? Yeah, medium supple. Let's say high medium supple. Hey, Taylor. Taylor. That sounds like the Aflac. Yeah. Medium supple. Let's say high medium. So Taylor, that's not like the Aflac. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:27 Taylor, come over here. Roll persuasion. Two. Yeah. Now. Hey, link.
Starting point is 01:00:38 Yeah. Fucking what's up? Not much, but my voice changed. It's been kind of hard. It sounds better when I hear it from you. what's up not much but fucking what's up my voice changed it's been kind of hard you know what it sounds better
Starting point is 01:00:48 when I hear it from you your voice sounds different when you hear it yourself yeah you do because your like head is a weird like you sound I don't know
Starting point is 01:00:53 you sound pretty good I sound alright yeah I don't know I think you're better I'm not angry anymore I think we can get out of this layer of hell
Starting point is 01:00:59 this is pretty calming yeah why am I yeah this is kind of calming this is kind of soothing alright this is like self therapy remember we read about like some people do therapy
Starting point is 01:01:05 on themselves? Yeah, but every day I do want to kill everybody now, right? What? I didn't say anything. Oh,
Starting point is 01:01:12 okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. Taylor, come over here
Starting point is 01:01:15 and make out with me. No. What? Why? You're gross. If I had a body. What? If you had a body,
Starting point is 01:01:23 I would consider it. Me too. What is going on? What realm are we in? Anger, duh. Yeah, both you and your doppelganger say that at the exact same time, at the exact same volume. Is there a version of scary in this realm?
Starting point is 01:01:38 What is the thing scary is angriest about? Oh, it's a hall of mirrors, I think. So you see a bunch of scaries of various sizes and shapes? Yes. That's fun. Whoa. They're all just going, ugh, at different volumes and pitches and tones. It's just a chorus.
Starting point is 01:01:51 Ugh, ugh, ugh. My stomach, my stomach. Shut up. Shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You shut up. It's like that scene in Star Wars when Rey has so many copies of herself and he's just
Starting point is 01:02:00 like, ba-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, it sounds exactly like that. Yes. So I guess you just say goodbye to your super chill doppelgangers who are like, do we just roll something to get out of here? Well, I mean, it feels like you role-played it such that they aren't torturing you anymore.
Starting point is 01:02:10 They're just being nice. I'll tell you why this for Taylor. Taylor and his doppelgangers just start screaming about various dubs that pissed him off over the years. Yeah, you just agree on too much. Yeah, we just agree that dubs are terrible. And it's just like,
Starting point is 01:02:20 wow, we found common ground with myself. Link is talking to his chill doppelganger and then he looks over his shoulder and he sees the moment back on other Earth or whatever. Don't ever be like me, and maybe don't love me as much as you do. I'll never stop loving you, Dad, but Dad. No, that's bad.
Starting point is 01:02:35 Hey, Scout, that's bad. Dad doesn't deserve that. Let's get out of here, guys. Let's just go. Yeah, I feel like Normal definitely sees his dad. I love you so much. I like you so much. Not proud of you, but I love you. Yeah's just go. Yeah, I feel like Normal definitely sees his dad. I love you so much. I like you so much. Not proud of you, but I love you.
Starting point is 01:02:48 Yeah, all right. Yeah, let's go. I don't like it here. Yeah, let's fix this shit. I don't know. This guy's got a lot of good points. I drag. No, I don't have to.
Starting point is 01:02:55 I just walk. I just walk away. Oh, come on. Scary, you coming? No, you go ahead. I'm going to stay on this one. Oh, fine. Whatever.
Starting point is 01:03:03 Yeah, fine. Whatever. Yeah, fine. And then all the mirror scares are like, fine. Whatever. Yeah, fine. Whatever. Yeah, fine. And then all the mirror scarers are like, fine, whatever. Fine, whatever. Fine, whatever. I really have not lost track of which one was the real one now. Oh, you can't tell, can you?
Starting point is 01:03:16 You can't tell which of us is the real one. You think that everybody who just has a bad attitude is like me, but no, there's nobody like me. There's nobody like me. I see a bunch of you right now. Yeah, I bet you do. Can I go up and start poking them to see which one's a glass and which one's real? Yeah. Okay, I do that. I feel like you can pretty easily find out
Starting point is 01:03:36 which one is real. Ow, stop poking me! Alright, well, come on. You said you were coming with us, so come. So you guys want me now? No. I just don't want you here. I don't know why you Enemies closer, right? That's the thing. So like, I need to see what you're doing. Enemies closer.
Starting point is 01:03:49 Yeah. All right. Yeah. Fine. Is that cool? Yeah. That's what we are now. Fine.
Starting point is 01:03:53 Yeah. You're okay with that? That's our relationship status? I guess. Like, whatever. That's what it is. Whatever. So let's move on.
Starting point is 01:04:00 Okay. You and me. That's. Enemies till the end. Yeah. Enemies. Yeah. Stay in front.
Starting point is 01:04:04 Yeah. Yeah. Keep your hands where we can see them. Go first. Okay. You go first. Fineemies till the end. Yeah, enemies. Stay in front. Yeah. Keep your hands where we can see them. Go first. Okay, you go first. Fine, I will. I go. I'm going.
Starting point is 01:04:11 All right. So as you approach the hole to the next realm, you feel a lot of your motivation to do so sort of melting away. And as you drop down, you immediately feel like, I should just fucking take a nap. Just fucking stay here. You see a lot of people napping. A lot of should just fucking take a nap. Just fucking stay here.
Starting point is 01:04:25 You see a lot of people napping. A lot of people just fucking lounging on the couch. Taylor is napping, in fact. Yeah. It's really cute, though. Do we see any actual sloths? Yeah, there's a bunch of sloths. Sloths go to hell?
Starting point is 01:04:36 That's sloth. It's one of the same. Yeah, name me one sloth that's been baptized. And they do drugs? Yeah. Don't you know? That's all they do. They just eat mushrooms and they get high. Is there any other sin Yeah. Don't you know? That's all they do. They just eat mushrooms
Starting point is 01:04:45 and they get high. Is there any other sin that's named after an animal? I highly doubt it. Pride of lions, I guess. And I would assume that the animal's named after the sin, Freddie.
Starting point is 01:04:57 Oh, you know what would be great when they were doing the Bible? The Bible was like, that animal, that one, whatever that's doing, that's wrong. Everything this thing is doing is wrong.
Starting point is 01:05:10 By the way, I love that I'm looking this up right now, and then the first sentence that I see on Google is, when Europeans first encountered sloths, it's fair to say they were not impressed. You have to be why we leave it that way. Like fighting an animal. So you're a sloth. Do something. And back then, the seven deadly sins were important. Think about how much they hated that animal. Sloths are the only animal whose common name is derived from one of the seven deadly sins. Imagine seeing a luster bear. We should have a sin named Cheetah.
Starting point is 01:05:45 So yeah, you look around, you see a bunch of... That's the sin deadly sins. Great. Imagine seeing a lust in there. What should we have a sin named Cheetah? So yeah, you look around, you see a bunch of- That's the sin of coming too fast. Hey, everybody, quiet. Taylor's sleeping. Yeah, Taylor has like those, you know, those little bubbles that come out.
Starting point is 01:05:54 Yeah, out of your nose. Or a mon, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I keep popping them before they get too big so they don't splash on his face. That's great.
Starting point is 01:06:03 So you have a disgusting finger. Yeah, my finger's really nasty uh and then it goes i would have pegged him for a honk shoe kind of snorer yeah apparently you watch I really want to sleep but it's hard next to the snoring as you're walking through the sloth layer you see a bunch of sleeping people a bunch of sloths a bunch of people just chilling and vegging out scary you see your biological dad manifesting from your brain he's not really dead um and he goes oh oh hey you're here uh so are you how's uh how's it um did your mom get my okay guys let's go let's move on to the next some money let's move on to the next let's let's do you have any like a you're old enough to have
Starting point is 01:06:43 a job right let's move on to the next thing all right so you head to the next level it's bright green this level what could it be it's a circle of people all looking at the person in front of them going oh i wish i was that guy and that person oh i wish i was that guy i wish i was that just everybody being super envious of one another guys that was just the hell version of my dad like my dad's like way cooler than that like in real life what was he like in real life well like i don't remember a lot but like i mean he was just like way cooler and like would chill and like love me and like my dad he sounds so cool you should be jealous yeah he sounds great uh real deception scary three so everybody knows that's not true whatever i still I still want your dad, though.
Starting point is 01:07:27 I mean, I want a dad as cool as your dad. Yeah, anybody would. I mean, even though dad you're lying about, I want that. I'm going to then roll performance to see if me saying like, yeah, your dad sounds really cool. I wish he was my dad, like which I'm doing as a bit. Not a bit. Like I'm trying to like just kind of like help her through this moment by being nice about it.
Starting point is 01:07:41 Sure. But we'll see how well I do. 13. You do okay. And it's not like I needed it anyway. You don't. I didn't even being nice about it. Sure. But we'll see how well I do. 13. You do okay. And it's not like I needed it anyway. You don't. I feel better about it because it's fine.
Starting point is 01:07:50 As you were talking to Scary, you feel a tickle in your mind and then in front of you, two very buff men holding assault rifles with skull helms on, Elliot Salen and Tyson Rios appear in front of you.
Starting point is 01:08:03 I can't even hear if I scream to my ears so loud before you even finish the names. Who? It's the army of two front of you. Yes! I came in here, but I screamed in my ear so loud before you even finished the names. Who? It's the Army of Two Bros! The Army of Two Guys! Everything you've ever wanted to be, the Army of Two Bros,
Starting point is 01:08:13 and they go, hey, Taylor. I mean, sorry, hey, Link. Well, you stuck to Taylor first. Yeah, well, I mean, he just seems like a little bit, like, you can join us too if you want to. My man, Tyson.
Starting point is 01:08:22 What's up, baby? Not much, my man, Taylor. And he does a fucking fist bump and pshh. Why are you high-fiving him he doesn't he's never played i know but he's just got something you know just a little something you're missing i don't know you two never lie to each other or anything you two are just the best friends yeah and they go back to back and they just start circling around as they're talking to you just fucking walking in circles talking to you with back to back and they go like yeah man we're two little bros we never turn on each other except for in the third game where one of us apparently does
Starting point is 01:08:45 turn on the other. No, that wasn't even count. That wasn't even count. Norman is circling around Lincoln Taylor doing the same thing. He's like, no, that's not canon. Whether it's a freaking wall or terrorists, like you guys just solve any problem. Just the two of you. I love it when you guys help each other over walls.
Starting point is 01:09:01 I love to boost him and then he jumps on my hand. It's so good. I feel so tight with my bro. Oh, man, you got like a head, bro. How's that? Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know. You got a little army of two right here, actually. Well, you're not quite as good as, I mean, you know you're not as cool as this army of two, though.
Starting point is 01:09:14 And they somehow, their backs are more together now. Man. They've clipped into each other. Yeah, they've clipped into each other and they're stuck there forever. The left arm of one guy is just glitching out right now. Yeah. So roll a wisdom saving throw to see if you can.
Starting point is 01:09:28 I don't know what this has to do with envy exactly. Other than I wish I was an army of two. Yeah, he wants to be them. Six. All right. So yeah, you'd give anything
Starting point is 01:09:34 right now to be Elliot Salem and Tyson Rios. Just four. Hey, Link. Both of you would give anything. Oh no, not again. I dive at them and I try to take,
Starting point is 01:09:42 I was like, that armor's mine now. And I start like pulling. I'm like trying that armor's mine now. And I start pulling. I'm trying to pull their mask off. Give me that skull mask. So Tyson Rios points his gun at you. He goes, stand down, soldier. Stand down.
Starting point is 01:09:51 And he gets ready. He's like, don't make me do it. Don't you make me do it. We have moral choices in a second. I'm already here, asshole. And I charge at him. Give me that helmet. I need that skull mask.
Starting point is 01:09:59 No! And we're entering combat. Here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Matt, get your keyboard out. OK. Anthony, we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Matt, get your keyboard out. Okay. Anthony, we're going to do a quick time event. So you shout six different letters on the keyboard,
Starting point is 01:10:12 and if Matt presses them the right way in Discord, and I don't know. I don't know how you do this in real life, but do it. I'm typing to you. What you're saying, Will, is instead of doing D&D combat, we're doing a replica of Army of Two quick time event. True, and we're going to do an Army of Two quick time event. Okay.
Starting point is 01:10:24 I'm going to say a word or a letter to you, and you're going to do an Army of Two QuickTime Event. Okay, I'm going to say a word or a letter to you, and you're going to have to type it as quickly as possible, okay? Yeah, I got it. I hereby give custody of my daughter
Starting point is 01:10:40 to Anthony Birch. All right, great. Daughter. Two. Anthony. Birch. All right, great. You successfully won the combat. Yes. The most important. I got army of two.
Starting point is 01:10:56 You got army of two. What cost? It's only useful in hell, but you have their armor and their big machine guns now. So now Taylor has one of the skull masks. We both have the skull masks. Then you descend to the next level, which is the hell of saying the B word. That's right.
Starting point is 01:11:12 What's up, my bitch? What's up, my bitches? That's right. You all belong here. Yeah, so just the worst of the worst. There's nothing that even comes up from your head. You just know when you've got here that you're not an ally. You're not a good ally.
Starting point is 01:11:25 I was like, scary. I'm sorry I called you the B word. It wasn't cool. Yeah. It was quite uncouth. I'm sorry for everything that I said. If I had had more time to think about it, I would have said something like way more hurtful.
Starting point is 01:11:39 I fall for it every time. I just walked past you two with like a thousand-yard stare, and I come across a little coffee table and just two gentlemen are sitting there talking, dropping the occasional B word like they do. Abraham Lincoln? I don't know why.
Starting point is 01:11:56 And I turn and I was right. And I look and I go, Mary Todd could be something of a B if you know what I mean. Link from Legend of Zelda? Hey! Lincoln! You bitch!
Starting point is 01:12:12 No, he was a knowing butt. There's no excuse. Well, excuse me, Lincoln. I gotta get out of here. Andrew Lincoln's down here. Andrew Lincoln. Hey, I'm real good at acting I'm the best Spider-Man
Starting point is 01:12:28 But I was in the worst Spider-Man movies Oh wait no That's Andrew Garfield Andrew Garfield's there too I'm here too Oh no Oh Andrew Lincoln
Starting point is 01:12:36 From The Walking Oh it's me Andrew Lincoln From The Walking Dead Cool What a bitch So yeah You jump down
Starting point is 01:12:44 Through the hole In the B word zone. Oh, Mr. Rogers. It was just one time. It's a bitching day in the neighborhood. So you jump down. We all can be a little bitches sometimes. That's okay. It's okay to be a little bitch.
Starting point is 01:13:04 Cut this. Remember that one time, like, Mr. Rogers invited the police woman on and called her a bitch? Don't be like that. That's funny. And ACAB, that's all cops are bitches, right? That's the beauty of ACAB. It can be bastards or bitches. It's inclusive.
Starting point is 01:13:24 All right, where's the anger? You guys said it was here. We've gone through hell. It was fine. I can't, it wasn't that bad actually. So you leap through the final hole next to, uh,
Starting point is 01:13:31 the two links and there's another hole after the B word. Yes. I mean, there's something worse. Can we at least glance into it to see what we're jumping into? Yeah. If you want to glance into it. Sure.
Starting point is 01:13:41 Yeah. Down there, you see a flaming throne. You see two flaming thrones, one of which is empty, the other one of which has a demonic-looking presence with a whip and a badge and a confident look on his face. Feels like that would have been cooler if we jumped in and then we saw it.
Starting point is 01:13:56 Yeah. But you see it from a distance safely now, and you can choose what to do. Hey, Link, with these cool army of two skull masks on, I feel like we could take on anyone. Yeah, I guess. Oh, no, I'm feeling pretty of two skull masks on, I feel like we could take on anyone. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm feeling pretty bad about all the people down here.
Starting point is 01:14:09 Who gives a shit? They're little bitches. Hey, normal. Scary. Is that is it down there? Is that where we're? Yeah, that's where we're going. OK, everybody.
Starting point is 01:14:16 I just want to say, fuck it. Let's go. Then I jump in. I jump in after. I jump in. OK, you're coming, right? Yeah. He's with all I jump in. Okay. Hermie, you're coming, right? Yeah. He's with all his Batman characters.
Starting point is 01:14:27 Yeah, he's just saying the B word with Joker and Two-Face and every single like random mook enemy in the Arkham City game when you play as Catwoman. And then, yeah, he jumps in after you. You all land in a black void. It's lit only by the flames of the two thrones. And on the throne with somebody in it, you see that person, that demon,
Starting point is 01:14:46 raise its head and look at you. And in the voice of Jimmy Wong, he says, Oh, my grandson. I thought there'd be more of you. Like, body-wise. Oh, you recognize me under the mask. Aw, shit. Ha ha ha!
Starting point is 01:15:02 All our days whisked away But is there something more to say You know that no one knows us better than ourselves You should tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies let me sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive
Starting point is 01:15:37 We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow
Starting point is 01:16:00 Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself, Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller.
Starting point is 01:16:24 Brian Fernandez is our content producer.on nicolette is our community manager esther ellis is our lead editor travis reeds provides additional editing robin rap is our transcriber special thanks this week to anthony landa and benjamil reed for providing some items that we used you can do that by the way you can submit things names places items for us to use in the campaign if you're a patreon supporter everyone else you just gotta sit back and listen as i shout out some of our great Patreon supporters. People like Ryan Beauchart, Michael Michek, Jackie Taylor, Justin Mousseau, Zach Linder,
Starting point is 01:16:52 Matthew Bonney, Josh Drummond, Garrett Dean, Shannon, Sia234, Goldfish, Brianna Avery, Matthew Fidler, Josie Tiffany, Lexi, Wheat, Jesse Phillips, Hector Gonzalez, Kev Tastic, and Ruthann Weissman, or Weissman if y'all jam him. Supporting us on Patreon, by the way, is the most direct way you can support this show. It's also the most direct way you can get hours of bonus content in video and audio form. If you're ever curious, maybe you're not right now, maybe you don't care,
Starting point is 01:17:19 but you might be one day. And if you are, you can head all over to dungeonsanddaddies.com slash Patreon, and you can see all the content that you get when you become a Patreon supporter. Everything from bonus one shots to our after show to videos. Lay's video was a monthly bonus of indeterminate content. I taught everyone how to do pottery because I've been doing a lot of pottery. And they tried their best to make bowls. How good did they do? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Starting point is 01:17:44 You can support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. You can join a vibrant Discord community, consume loads of vibrant content, just have a vibrant time overall. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our store is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. If you want some merch, that's where you can get it. If you don't care about Patreon, you care about merch, I know you're out there. It's fine. The world has all kinds.
Starting point is 01:18:09 Our next episode is coming up February 28th. We appreciate you listening. Thanks so much. We'll see you then. We live for tomorrow. Make steel and borrow. Brave where we can't change.
Starting point is 01:18:21 We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Sorry, I interrupted you, Scary. I wasn't gonna say anything cool. I mean, I was, but
Starting point is 01:18:43 I guess I got interrupted by a man. I'm going straight to the B-Zone.

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