Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 28 - King of the Hell

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

A family reunion, kind of, as the teens discover the source of the anchor in HELL!This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Jodie Foster is Jimmy Wong (@jfwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in words so choice. Let not these dudes so crude now make you weak, our teeny mascot urged as we pressed on. A darker circle yet we still do seek, the doodler's anchor waits below, beyond. So through one final hole with dread we leapt, and thus we reached our journey's denouement. O'er mighty thrones a pair our eyes now swept, and on one sat a demon foul and fell. Behind my Tyson Rios mask I wept. O listener, do not ask me now to tell how faintness then and terror made me real,

as I saw Jodie Foster, king of hell. But Taylor, to a cop, shall never kneel. Nor does from death he flee, nor danger fly. So if old Jody tries to test my steel, like Dante, I will make this devil cry. We'll be right back. our world who are sent on a quest to fix our world after their granddad's fucked it up my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift the anime loving nobody only had empty thoughts yeah we gotta fix that no i range your t in the group this week's teen fact for taylor swift was the first thing taylor checked upon being beheaded after you know like the usual things you know which is like oh my gosh where's my head what was my body what's going on as the usual things, you know, which is like, oh my gosh, where's my head? What was my body? What's going on? It's a class of the usual, you know, you know, BuzzFeed's

top 10 things people think when they're beheaded. TikTok, when I got my head cut off. POV, you're Taylor and you got your head chopped off. TFW. That feel when your head gets cut off. That's me doing the TikTok voice. Please continue. Yeah. Thank you. First thing he thought was, that's good. This won't affect my potential future voiceover career. Oh. Dedicated. He wants to be like his mom. He had a vision of his mom dropping him off at recording sessions in just a suitcase.

You know what I mean? Just put me up to the mic, please. Tilt me down a little bit so I can read the lines. Thank you. It's just anime gasp. Taylor will become the go-to Anime Gasp like voiceover artist for all characters

in animation. Wow. He'll be paid handsomely for it. He's going to be richer than everyone. He's going to die surrounded by The two things that destroy voice acting are AI voices and Taylor. Hey, everybody.

My name's Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid, productive paladin of the group. And my steed! And your steed. Yeah, that should be the only fact that happens. I'm Lincoln Lee Wilson, fly like the wind!

Hey, Matt, you've seen War Horse, right? Yeah, I love the idea that that's how Taylor sees the situation. Sort of a sea biscuit scenario. Sort of a reverse sea biscuit. Really quick fact, Lincoln makes his own Gatorade. Really? Yeah. How? With own Gatorade. Really? Yeah. Because he wanted to put the pouch and water.

She is good. Almost as dumb. He realized it was like expensive to keep buying Gatorade. He thought it was really good, but his is way more expensive. He just takes airborne, which is God trusted because it's made by a teacher. He just takes airborne, which is – God, trust it because it's made by a teacher.

You get airborne. He puts it in water and then, like, you know, electrolytes our sodium. So he just puts salt and airborne in water and then puts some food coloring in it for whatever he wants the flavor to be. And it is absolutely hideous. But both of his dads drink it because they support him.

And that's what they baptized you in. That's why it didn't count. That's why it didn't count. That's why you went to hell. That's why I was baptized straight to hell. Also, you didn't die. You walked through a portal, I realized. And Marco calls it Better Aid because it's better than Gatorade.

Better Aid. I think Better Aid's one of our sponsors. Let me just say that. Brought to you by Better Aid. Send Better Gatorade. Brought to you by Airborne. It's a teacher. It's got to be scientifically accurate.

Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normally Oak Swallows Garcia. He's a perky, peppy, chippy, cheery school spirit mascot kid. I'm bringing that back. That's so cool. My fun fact about Normal this week, he's big into soups. Loves a good soup.

And here's why. Because Normal believes that soup never goes bad. He found a can of Campbell's soup, and it was like expiration date 10 years from now he's like wow soup never goes bad so you know he'll make a big pot of soup leave it on the stove for like a week and just kind of just come back and sample it you know we'll know about forever stews forever stews i mean yes normal every stew is a forever but the concept of this yeah the concept is that all soup is forever. No, no, no, but the actual real life concept. Which, yes, don't we all have a concept?

You're ready to share the fun fact that you have. Is that when you're married to someone named Stew? Yeah, then it's forever. Until death do you part. There's no way we're getting out of Freddy telling us this. Maybe so. I don't know why you guys try. When the train's coming at you in the tracks,

you lean into the crash, you fucking idiots. I'm already bored of this fact. Google it, assholes. I don't know about forever stew, tell, you lean into the crash, you fucking idiot. I'm already bored of this fact. Google it, asshole. I want to know that forever, Stu. Tell me. Go fucking Google it, you big dick. I really want to know. Let's all Google it.

We all promise to Google this. Scouts honor. Sounds really exciting. I want to make sure my full attention is on this fact when I finally dive into it. Okay, Matt, you shut the fuck up, okay? Because one of the things that I love more than anything in my life is to eat food while Googling the food

I'm eating so I can learn and nourish my mouth and my body at the same time as my mind. You little fuck. A perpetual stew,

also known as Forever Soup Hunter's Plot or Hunter's Stew. That's it. It's not actually called Forever Stew. It's Perpetual Stew. Don't fucking eat a dick, Jimmy.

Jimmy's with us, everyone. Let's let the woman talk what? there's a woman here? oh no no no kidder um hi I'm Beth May and I play

Scary Marlow a god punk seeker of darkness betrayer teen who is not like the other warlocks

already there bucko fun fact about scary this week I'm gonna keep it simple this week scary's favorite sound is the sound of silence followed by a slight chuckle followed by

oh okay which is the sound of when you've hurt someone's feelings with a joke really bad holy shit holy shit I usually hate

teen and dad facts but that made the whole thing worth it I only just told he hates half the podcast I do I told you this before

I sit here quietly waiting for the show to start while you guys do your prep that could have been on the drive over. I'm Anthony Burch.

I'm your dad. The dad fact for me this week is that if you like quirky, funny D&D podcasts, one to know about, that's made by some friends of ours, if you ever watched the web series Anime Crimes Division, I don't know why you would,

but most of us on the podcast- Hey, fuck you, anime. That fucking series rules. I like it too. I'm just saying most people- There's a reason we didn't get a third season, and it's not because too many people watched it. That's fair.

But if you have seen that series that we did for Crunchyroll, Riley Rose Critchlow, who played Diesel, the cop on the show, they and some friends of theirs do a podcast called The Real Housewives of D&D, which is basically the real housewives of Blank City get pulled into a portal and then have to survive in the D&D world while also being very dramatic and snippy at each other. Also got Nicole Whalen, which

again, if you're a VGHS fan, why wouldn't you be out? Because everybody saw that show. Both her and Nicole were both from Video Game High School. Big characters from Video Game High School. So many lines. It's really, really good. I listened to the first episode. It's hilarious. There's multi-level marketing schemes. There's like nice mysterious ancestors there's classic isekai heat it's great

it's great so it's got two people from video game high school it's got a bunch of people from video game high school and the crimes division in it so you know it's gonna be good so yeah that's it when we last left the group you had descended to the deepest or what you thought was the deepest level of hell after getting through the eight deadly sins. And you ran into Jodie Foster, king of hell, sitting on a throne who immediately somehow recognized Taylor behind a mask and did not recognize his son, Hermie. So as you may have heard, we have Jimmy here. Does he recognize his son? Because also, no, the mask is the least of it. Like, he's also ahead on me. So as you may have heard, we have Jimmy here. It's insane he recognized his son because also his son, no, the mask is the least of it.

Like he's also ahead on me. Yeah. You got a natural 20 on his perception check. What do you want? I can sniff out vibes and I could tell what's happening. He sniffed out his grandson vibes. Okay, so yeah, Jimmy's here. Jimmy and I have talked about what Jody is up to and the things that he cares about over literally

dozens of words in email. So I guess just go? Just start talking? This is the kind of laissez-faire DM attitude that you come to this fucking podcast with. Usually I would be this NPC explaining things, but Jimmy's here now, so good luck, fuckers.

Anthony's so relieved. He's like, you went in now, Jimmy. At a certain point, I assume Anthony will go, um, actually, and then you'll actually correct me. Yeah, at some point, a fucking NPC's to fly in and be like, I also have information that's making me more precious. So go ahead and wait. Gird your loins for that to happen. A little bat is going to fly in.

Anthony, help me set the scene here. You know, how cool do I look on my throne? You look extremely cool, but also kind of sad, which makes you look cooler. You look like a Frank Miller Batman of like, oh, God, what's he thinking? He's brooding. Oh, man.

And you're like thick. Thin for days. Yeah, you're just a large slab of meat that just fucking has feelings. What's he wearing? He's brooding. Oh, man. And you're like thick. Yeah, you're just a large slab of meat that just fucking has feelings. What's he wearing? He's still in his cop outfit. It's up to you, Jody. It's up to you, Jimmy.

Is he a cop on the throne of hell? I wonder what you think about cops anyway. You love teachers. You love authority, you know. Yeah, if there's one thing that I know about teachers is that they're just like cops. They're just eggheads. You belong in hell, Jimmy.

They're just cops that teach you things. Yeah, they're teachers with guns. Which is ideal. That's the America I want to see. All things trend towards teachers with guns. Come on. So what do you look like? What does Jody look like?

What's he dressed like? Jody's sitting on his throne. He does look a little glum, and he's not particularly enthused to see three buckos and one bitch stroll up to him. Whoa, that's why he's here. That's why he's here. Whoa.

I've decided bucko is the male version of bitch. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I've got to do this shit. That's what I've got to do for you. It's not.

It doesn't have the same impact, but I look upon... Buckaroo, on the other hand. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. That's a male C word. I look around. Hermie is in the group, right? Yes. That's a male C word. I look around.

Hermie is in the group, right? We just never talk about him on the show. Yeah, he just sometimes doesn't talk until about halfway through the episode. Somebody has to kiss him for him to show up again. Andy's getting the Joker standee and putting it on the table. He just dropped him. To remind himself that Hermie the Unworthy exists. Very nice.

So I'm looking at the group of kids, including good old Taylor, as a head on Norma's shoulder. And we have Army of Two masks on. You have Army of Two masks on. Yeah. And you can smell them. And I simply go,

oh, what the hell do you all want? Why are you, how did you even get here? Did you all die? No. You don't smell like dead. Oh, magic? Can anyone explain to me what's going on here?

You went through a hole. Yeah, you can explain to us. Look, kids, if it's not too disparaging to call you that, there are two ways primarily to get to hell, magic and dying. You all chose magic, which is a bit of a bummer because like it or not, this is your last time you will be seeing hell. So when we die, we're guaranteed to go into heaven? If we die, we're automatically going to heaven?

That's pretty cool. That's awful! I'm not incommunicado with whatever is up there, if it even exists, by the way. But you will not be coming back here because your passage to hell, it's like a punch card. And y'all punched it a little early by going through whatever magical hole you did.

So welcome to hell, and hope you have a good time. I am not going to heaven. Yeah, we don't want to come back. I got to admit that. Hi, by the way, I'm Normal Oak. Nice to meet you, sir. Who are you? We kind of met a while.

No, we didn't meet. I think we heard someone give a phone call to you when we were our dads back on a misadventure some days back now, some weeks back now. So could you, like, who are you? Like, just, you know, you seem to know a lot about us. We don't know a lot about you. I like to know who I'm dealing with.

Cool for him, bro. Some of you have met my son, my now armless son, thanks to some shenaniganry over here. And that son of mine is the father of the head on your shoulder, young boy. Is that Taylor's granddad? Yep, that's me. And I'm really not in the mood to entertain more kids who just made their way. We didn't come here to be entertained, dude.

Wait, wait, wait. More kids? You're my father, are you not? Are you based on the flashbacks that I experienced in the previous episode? Yes, I saw those too. I too listened to the podcast. Yes, Hermie the Unworthy, you are the son of mine and someone that stole you and ran away with you

and haven't seen you in a while. You look... You are the son of mine? Yes. Do you have... Ah, this is finally what it's like to have a dad. Look, all right. Throwing the in front of things.

Name me a more dad-like thing to do What are you doing down here? I'm the king of hell, dude Look at me You're the devil? What do your duties entail? I'm not the devil I just

I control the Seven, now eight Circles of hell Rings of hell Whatever you want to describe it How's it going? Well, pretty poorly I have to explain all of this

To all of you all the time It feels Mildly annoying You know, when I first... So there were kids before us? Well, there was one kid in that. He's right there, Hermie. It's me. It's him. It's him, yes. He's many kids because he can put on many personalities

because his father was a very special someone to me that ran away with him and scammed me out of a son. I've been scammed out of a lot of things recently, and I'm just trying to chill. I have a question,, and I'm just trying to chill. Sir, I have a question, sir. Just trying to keep hell a chill place.

Yes. I have a question as well. You go first. In order. Are there, I just want to know if this movie's true. Are there any dogs here? Do dogs go to hell?

Is that your question? Yes, we have. They're called hell hounds. Perhaps you have heard of. I knew that movie wasn't true. Not all dogs go to heaven. Especially the bad dogs. Yeah, there's bad dogs.

Everybody says there's only bad owners, but I'm like, I've met a few dogs that I'm like, I don't true. Not all dogs go to heaven. Especially the bad dogs. Yeah, there's bad dogs. Everybody says there's only bad owners, but I'm like, I've met a few dogs that I'm like, I don't know. Anyways, I know this is not important. You had a real question, normal. Yeah, well, I have two. So, you're Hermie's dad, right? Yes. And Hermie, how do you feel about that?

I'm sort of wondering, you said my other dad disappeared, and I was wondering where he might, if I might meet him as well, meet both of my parents, and find out why I was abandoned on Earth would be delightful for me, personally. Well, he is in another realm. There's many realms, as you all, I believe, now have discovered,

and we had you together. Aren't you going to hug him? Yeah, I'm back now. Father, Daddy. Would you like a hug? Give him a hug. now. Father. Daddy. Would you like a hug? Hermie starts walking towards you with his arms outstretched. I can smell him from here, right? Yeah. Okay. I pinch my

nose. I'm like, alright, bring it in. Bring it in, bucko. I didn't mean to say that. Bring it in, kiddo. You called me the B word! He stops midway through and steps back as if in shock that you called him the B word. There's no one to trust. There's no one to trust in this world. You know, I feel the same,

Hermie, okay? I had a good thing going, and then the magic reversed on me. I became a demon king of sorts. I found out my real true identity. My son decided to be a real bad dad to Taylor over here. Get both of his arms lopped off, and now I don't

even have my wife around, and hell is just not a cool place anymore. I'm trying to make it more chill by the day. I mean, hell so far just seems to be like adults complaining about their problems, and yeah, this is worse than I thought it'd be. I don't care, dude. Normally your anchor detector tells you

that the anchor is somehow deeper below this level of hell, which doesn't make sense because this is the deepest level of hell. Wait a second. I have a feeling. How much do you know about the whole why we're here?

I have a general inclination. I've been trying to keep track of my son and all the things he's been doing. And failing is what he's been doing recently. Not really listening to dad. I'm right here. No, not you, Hermione. I'm talking about the other one. Oh, okay.

Where is the other one, by the way? I don't mind. That's fair. So I know you guys are trying to find. What do you know about me? Actually, not that much at all. I try to keep up with my son, Nicholas, and he doesn't seem to keep very much in touch with you.

What? I mean, you've only talked to him, like, what, three times? Yes. Yeah, that's my exact... Not counting the times I don't remember. Right, so three times, then. Plus the times I don't remember. Right.

Anyway, Nicholas could have done a better job raising you. That's all I'm saying. I'm here... Hey, hold on, hold on. Can you record that? Just listen to the podcast later. This is too meta for me. All right.

You and all you kids are here to try and get rid of the bad thing that happened above. We're on a quest to find anchors in each of the five realms. We need to destroy the one that's here. That's why we're here. And I'm getting a vibe that there's more more hell under this hell which i can't even process right now but like could you you know he's not the anchor thing about there are the anchors it's weird i get the feeling that there's something below us yes there are many basement yeah joey just tell us what's up then we literally do not care about you then there are not the

anchor so man is there more stuff below this, you all remind me so much of your grandparents. Just endless. So yeah, there are deeper recesses of hell, yes. The one that you're in right now, if you look around, it's pretty chill. You'll see some Christmas lights over there. We got a nice little DJ booth over there for music. Did you decorate it? No, I didn't decorate it.

That other fucker, Glenn, did a whole number on this place. But you know what? I don't care about this backstory. We want to know what the anchor is. Not to be rude, sir. Not to be rude. You have a very nice hell. A bat flies in and goes, just let me know if you want me to

talk at any point. Oh, look, my messenger bat. What's his name? Bartok. Anastasius Alive? No, it's not Bartok. Okay. Let me look up a name.

No. Jimmy has to give us a name. Oh, I. Taylor asked Jody what the name of the hell demon. That's his bat. That's his bat. It's Battholomew, my friend Bat. Okay, that's fun.

Yeah, there it is. Battholomew. Okay, well, so can we, look, we really don't, like, we're not, we're trying to get from A to B here, sir. We're trying to get down to figure out what this anger is. Master, should we so can we, look, we really don't, like, we're not, we're trying to get from A to B here, sir. We're trying to get down to figure out what this anger is. Master, should we tell them about mega hell? What? We haven't called it mega hell in years.

It is more mega than this place, yes. There are deeper recesses of hell, if that's what you're looking for. Okay. I believe the- What word are we going to have to say to go there? You just have to say the B word again. Yeah, you just have to really mean it, though. You add extra enunciation.

I don't want to say it again. Can't this be like a door we can go through? You're the king of this place. Can't you help us? Yeah, we could open to really mean it, though. You had extra enunciation. I don't want to say it again. Kids are like a door we can go through. You're the king of this place. Can you help us? Yeah, we could open a door, I suppose. Well, yes. We've sealed one away because once you open it, things up here get a little spicier and worse.

And I've been trying to make this place a cool place for a while now so that my wife will return. But it doesn't matter if you really want to go down there. That's all I'm you. Should they? Is there any protection that we should do? Should we help them? Well, I suppose you could join them if you wished to, considering, you know, who's down there. That's all I'm you. Should they, is there any protection that we should do? Should we help them? Well, I suppose you could join them if you wished to considering, you know, who's down there, but it sounds like maybe the person that you want to find is the same as the one that they

want to find perhaps, maybe, perhaps. Well, talking specifics would be really helpful. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Glenn, Glenn and Morgan, the two people that we've mentioned multiple times, it sounds like if you're looking for an anchor, it is very much likely that Glenn has it or that Morgan has it. And as Glenn currently also has absconded with Morgan because Morgan liked Glenn more than Jodi. Don't gasp. You didn't care about this story two seconds ago. You gave no shits about what I was saying, boy. I have a sin beyond saying the B word.

It's that I love goss. So I just can't like you mentioned this Glenn guy and then you mentioned your wife. Like it's natural for me to gasp at that. I'm sorry, though, because like that does sound wrong. This Glenn guy took your wife? This Glenn guy didn't take my wife. In many ways, it was his wife, but it's still also my wife. Sorry.

I shouldn't have said take either. That's all he was like. That's why I'm in hell. Wow. Yeah, we're in hell said take either. Wow. That's all he was like, wow. That's why I'm in hell. Wow. Yeah, in hell, it's over time. It's kind of what? It's kind of a Joe Rogan kind of vibe in hell. You can kind of get away with whatever you want.

You're my disintegrate. You're already here. Where else could you go? That's why I make a hell. To keep people in line in hell, right? Morals kind of slowly disappear. Back when I was a human, I had a decent number of them, and then they also eroded when I got down here.

Anyway, Glenn is in hell. He was improving it, but he was also trying to get rid of some things that were bugging me as a result of also being Glenn and doing these things. My wife decided to, my ex-wife decided to go with him. Glenn was hunting the 666 hate demons

of hell. Yes, that live in the lower recesses in mega hell. Yeah, it was a very anime kind of quest. He was a demon slayer? Yes, he was. Yes, he was. He and his wife worked together and slew 665 of the demons, but one remained,

and we have not seen Glenn or Morgan for some time, so it is entirely possible that they are still grappling with the final demon of hell. I was just like salivating on my shoulder. Hey, hey, wait. Wipe my mouth. There are prophecies that say

that a chosen one will come and help. Oh my God! Chosen one. That's all I mean. Hey, Link, wipe my mouth. There are prophecies that say that a chosen one will come and help. Oh, my God! Chosen one. That's all I mean. We don't use those words. Somebody they wouldn't expect. It's got to be someone that they don't expect. Yeah.

It's got to be somebody who's really earned the respect. Someone who's really earned the right and all the knowledge of all the enemies together. Knowledge than anybody else. Who knows what to do. Somebody who knows what to do to step up. Somebody who can step up and be the chosen one. And be the chosen one. Guys, I think I might be the chosen one who has to slay the demon.

The demon's probably related to the doodler, right? You know what? And Jodie sort of takes a seat back and starts looking at all of you all with very obvious, I could use these kids' eyes. I have a great idea. Hey, that guy just wants to use these kids' eyes. I have a great idea! Hey, that guy just wants to use us. Dang it. No. You can roll perception

or insight to see if you notice that. Also, Scary can roll that, I think, with insight, but I don't know if she knows that's what Willy looks like when Willy looks at her. Wait, you're saying what? What? 16.

So with the 16, you know something is awry. Yeah. I don't trust any adult. Or something is awry, the first time I tried to pronounce that word. Guys, I think something's awry with this guy. Am I saying that right? No, it's awry. Awry what?

Like awry bread? Yeah, like bread. Like everything's going to be awry. Come on. Well done. Well done. Well, what do you want? Send us the deeper hell, bro. Well, it seems like one of you is the chosen one, yet to be all right. Come on. Well done. Well, what do you want? Send us the deeper hell, bro.

Well, it seems like one of you is the chosen one, yet to be determined. Yet to be determined. And a great way to figure that out is to maybe go to mega hell with me, Betholomew, my wise expository device. That's me. And maybe figure out where this anchor is that you are looking for. Okay, let's go. Yeah, it sounds good to me. We want to do this. Wait, that you are looking for. Okay, let's go. Yeah, sounds good to me.

We want to do this. Wait, wait. And hold on. I'm not done yet. There's other parts to this deal. I would love for you all to have me accompany you, and you all can learn about how cool I am, how much work I put into Upper Hell and making it nice.

Okay. And should we encounter my lovely ex-wife, as well as that little shit Glenn, we can help them out. I gotta warn you, sir. The last time we tried to help someone reconnect with their ex-wife and I shoot eye daggers.

It's scary. Somebody murdered him. Who is this? Hey, hey, Mr. Jowdy. Yes, yes. We need to be armed. We need to have weapons. Can you lend us your stock?

Dude, you salivate so much when you talk. Do you have like a broomstick or something? I need to get it off my head. That's all I'm going to do. Fetch them a tissue of hell. A hell tissue. Here comes a hell tissue, and he just brings you a tissue that's on fire. This isn't going to work.

Is there like a stick around here? I'll bring you a hell stick, and he brings you a stick that's on fire. Perpetually. So it's not going to burn up the stick. We'll burn you though. I'm going to stick your head on this. Is that cool? Wait, no, it's hot.

It's hot. All right, listen up, buddy. I know you want weapons. And then with a really wet slicking sound. Wait, are you putting me on this? Yeah, I'm just putting it on the top of a stick. Ew, are you like putting it into his neck hole? Yeah.

How big is the stick? The stick's bigger than it. It's like a broomstick. It's a broomstick. And then who's going to carry it? You're just going to hold it. It's better than it being on my shoulder. It's a hand off. How big is the stick? The stick's bigger than him. It's like a broomstick. It's a broomstick. And then who's going to carry it? You're just going to hold it? Me. It's better than him being on my shoulder.

It's a Gandalf. What a cool walking stick. It's going to hurt your hand because it's on fire. Oh. It's also going to hurt Taylor's head because it's on fire. Oh, and when it's not on fire. And when it's not on fire, why is this difficult? Is there a stick in hell?

There's a stick in hell. I thought it was really cold. I thought it was like Christmas. I'll make up your mind. All right, I'll go to the top layer and get a peppermint stick. You want me to get a sword? What about a peppermint stick? I'll get a peppermint stick.

I'll be right back. And he flies up to the top layer of hell where everybody's singing jingle bells. And he gets a peppermint stick. And he snaps it. And he brings it down. It's like one of those big candy cane things. It's a big old candy cane stick. Yeah, there you go.

And you can smell the mint coming down from the top layer of hell. And he hands it to you. OK, then the way this head is on it's no longer on the top of the stick. It's like the candy cane curve is like perfectly curved over your head and I'm tying you up. So it's like your head is like, or you just like framed like on the candy. You can lick the under curve of the candy cane and stick his head up. Yes.

Wait, lick the bottom of it. Then it's like a cool spear. That's a good idea. Normal. So while he's on the curve part, I'm also licking the bottom of it a lot so that it gets sharp. I'm like, this is going to be a spear. That's an interesting visual.

Interesting visual. I've got a question. Yes, the most evil one here. What's up? Oh, thank you. I can smell it. Yeah, what's up with that? Why can you smell things so good?

Well, you lose a lot of other senses slowly in hell. And you can decide which ones become more honed as a result. I'm currently about half blind, but you smell pretty evil. That's all I can tell you. Yeah, yeah, I do. Would you like me to conjure a portal to mega hell? Yes, and I'm sorry, young Taylor, we will not be able to give you a weapon,

but it looks like you have a weapon now. You can just swing Taylor and his thing around. That'll do. Nice. Wait, wait, question, Matt. Is my pork pie hat above? Your pork pie hat got thrown away. It's gone, man.

Learn to let go, man. You got like a hairband, but it's a candy cane. I don't want to do this podcast anymore. It's like your headphones, but it's a candy cane. Yeah, I know. Can we please just reiterate the terms of how I'm going to help you because you are all a little under-equipped, except for the kind of evil one. She seems pretty strong compared to the rest of you.

But you're going to need my help. Kind of evil, chosen one. It's all the same, really. I'm pretty sure I'm the chosen one, but okay. We're going to get down there. We're going to find this anchor thing. I'm going to help you take it out. And you're going to frame me as the hero and the one for Morgan to return to after all

is said and done, because clearly they're having problems. You know what I bet would be really impressive to this Morgan person would be if you, you know, reconnected emotionally with your son. Or just selflessly. And I get a hermy, like a big thumbs up, like, right? Like, man. Yeah, I'm still here. I'm still in the conversation.

Yeah. So maybe like while we're doing that, you know, that seems like a sort of like an intergenerational history of not being around. You could kind of, you know, re-up that. I mean, does this Glenn guy have a good relationship with his son? Yeah, it feels like you should just selflessly help four kids. That'd be more impressive than killing one demon

when this Glenn guy's already killed 665. Don't think you're like really thinking this through. This Glenn guy has something to prove, so he's off doing that. He did it. He killed 665 demons. But not the last one. Not the last one.

The hardest one. The ultimate boss with many different boss modes. Yes, the 12 in 1. Exactly. Well, it's still 1. It's still 1. But that's his name, the 12 in 1. It does sound like a lot, though.

Listen up, kiddos. You don't get to hell by being selfless, okay? You don't become the king of hell by being super duper selfless you do the other one so all you sanctimonious little buckos can just take that

story when you use that word it hurts my feelings oh I'm sorry it hurts your feelings it is helping Bartholomew Bartholomew conjure up the world

this is the second time that Ascari said bucko so she disappears to the ground oh shit she just falls midway through that speech down to mega hell and you do not see her anymore.

As much as I thought, men's feelings are more important than women's feelings. You want to say bucko bucko and go? Bartholomew says it doesn't count when you're a man. Like women can say bitch. Well, it's easy. Well, looks like it's a race to be the chosen one. Who's going to get there

first? Oh, no. So, do we got to just say bitch twice? No, you get sucked down too. And in the moment. But you're saying it. You just get sucked on the ground. Your head's like stuck to the floor. Yeah.

Ow, son of a bitch. Say it. You go after him. I dive into the hole behind the two of them. It blocks you like an invisible wall in a video game. I don't want to say it again! It says warning, has not said B word. Laura, how about this? How about this? How about you and I

walk, and we'll walk with Hermie. I'm a skilled, licensed, you know, I printed out my own license to be a group counselor, so if you and Hermie want to reconnect, we can take the long way down. So you walk all the way, Will, and then you get to a checkpoint, and they ask for your passport. You think they open it up they ask for your passport it seems like you only said bitch once yeah they check your papers

they have you take out your papers and they look and the bitch thing is only stamped once you gotta say the b word to get in right i'm glad you took the scenic route but like the help guard at the toll booth it's like we gotta say b word again i look at normal go hey normal normal no i know you want to say the word. It hurts someone's feelings or whatever. How about this? There's another way to get the B thing checked off.

Okay. It's a little counterintuitive. You just tell them you're their boss, aren't you? Oh, the guy at the gate. Yeah. No, that's not how it works. He's the boss of main house.

We're in mega hell. So it's different kind of jurisdiction. You can't go to the US border, right, from another country and be like, but my laws apply. You could say the name of a super badass bitch that is using the positive connotation of the word.

That name is someone that you think is a cool- Oh, okay, my mom. No, it has to be another B word, though. It's sort of like a loophole thing. Oh, so if I say, like, you know, my mom's a badass bitch i get in no we changed the rules that's the old one sorry you didn't get the updated i'm asking you to improvise here normal to find in your look through the history books did you ever read about someone in the history books that was a you know bad bitch alert that started with the letter b no they don't have

when did you go to history class they don't have that. When did you go to history class? They don't say that. They don't say that in history books. You're saying like that word about that? I'm trying to be a better person, okay? AP history. Who's the baddest bitch in history? You know, 500 word essay.

I think Margaret Thatcher. Webster's Dictionary defines baddest bitch. I'm just trying to give you a loophole, boy. Do you think I can't say that word? You bitch, I will. Okay, and I roll deception. My bluff of saying you betcha works. Yeah, roll deception.

Everyone's just staring at you like, what did you just say? So many people behind you will be like, you should know. Just say bitch. No. Nobody will order before you get up to the front. It's a thousand other people behind you like, why would you say bitch! No! Nobody will order before you get up to the front! It's a thousand other people

and you're like, why would he say bitch? And they all get up. People just disappearing behind you precariously. I got a 12. The guard goes, I know you said betcha.

That doesn't count. You have to say it with spite. It has to be about a woman. Or you don't make the rules. Or bad bitch alert an actual bad bitch. He already said that won't work work you dumb bitch

yeah we changed the rule and you get pulled down as well and then it's just Hermie and you and he goes we could just talk we don't have to go down with them

you and I we don't have to say the B word we could just sort of decompress and you could tell me what it's like to be a dad and I could be your son we could experience that together

you and me just you and me with no B words. So, how's it being lonely, I guess? You're a real bitch. You can get sucked down. Got him! All right, bye, Jimmy.

Thanks for coming, Jimmy. All right, let me in, let me in for coming, Jimmy. All right. Let me in, let me in. I'm me. They can't argue with that, and they let you in. So you all fall through darkness, darkness that is all enveloping and all encompassing. Oh, this sounds like daylight.

You see... Shut up, Gary. In my ordinary life. Shut up! You zoom past the corpses of 665 demons of such size, grandeur, and horrificness that to maintain a stare on them for any amount of time causes you a great deal of discomfort.

But you can see a pinprick of light in the far distance that gets bigger and bigger as you approach it faster and faster. Like the opening of Space Mountain. Yeah, kind of. Wow. If there was covered in corpses. Yeah. You see the opening of Space Mountain in front of you, basically.

That's why they close Space Mountain. That's why they close Space Mountain. Oh, my God. They're not clearing those corpses out. The pinprick of light resolves itself into a large green field. And sitting on that green field are three small structures. In front of those two, a very defeated-looking guitarist and his equally defeated-looking female companion.

And you all impact against the ground hard, not hard enough to kill you or hard enough to really do any HP damage, but you on the ground. And you, for the first time in real life, you recognize him from the memory. You are looking at Glenn Close. I do a cool three-point landing.

Roll for that. Roll. Yeah, roll. Go ahead and roll. I do a cool three-point landing. Roll for that. Yeah, roll. Go ahead and roll. Someone else roll for me. I don't have any album. Oh, one. Dang, one. Sorry, he got a 19. So immediately, Morgan turns her head and is like, whoa. Hey. So, uh, I brought some kids with me.

Why? We're in mega hell. Yeah, they have something I gotta do here. They're To hell. We're in mega hell. Yeah, they have something I gotta do here. They're pretty powerful. We could use the help. You could use the help. You could feel very strongly

that the anchor is on Glenn's person. Glenn doesn't even turn around. Okay, I want you to all imagine the cover of the movie Versus. Matt knows exactly what I'm talking about. He's got a gun in one hand. By Mona Lisa, yes. Yes, the most perfect image ever made.

A guy in a cool trench coat with a samurai sword and a gun. He turns one, like, to turn over and look down. He turns a profile. In profile, he goes, looks like more meat for the meat grinder. Bobby goes, looks like more meat for the meat grinder.

Cool, this guy's really cool. Normal sizing up that the anchor is in Glenn. Looks to his compatriots and says, that's him. That's the guy. That's the guy who's got the anchor in him Glenn looks to his compatriots. That's him. That's the guy. That's the guy who's got the anchor in him. Jokes on you. Scary. You can't fucking kill him this time because he's already dead.

So what are you going to do? You're just going to say a bunch of mean stuff to him. Probably. Maybe if he deserves it. I mean, if he does deserve it, then I feel like we should, you know, if he does deserve it,

we should still try to take the high road. Yeah. Hey, nice. Glenn, right? Mr. Close. Been ages since someone's called me take the high road. Yeah. Hey, nice. Glenn, right? Mr. Close.

Been ages since someone's called me by that name. All right. Well, what a gift I've given to Frederick. Do we know what, like, his deal? The other guy was lonely, right? Like, what's. What's your deal? What's your deal?

Me and my lady here. Sup. Sup. Sup. Hey, babe. Hey. You two have been with each other this whole time's up? What's up? Hey, babe. Hey. You two have been with each other this whole time, right? You keep moving a little bit closer. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

She opens her eyes and closes it once she grows up. She says, you're all looking at her. Later, later. Oh, yeah. We're looking for the final hell demon. 12 and 1. The 12 and 1. There's 12 in 1.

We fought him a bunch of times, but we can't seem to beat him. Can't seem to beat him can't see maybe i whisper over to more like maybe we could use this meat as a distraction distraction yeah and then i'll go around back i'll deliver the killing blow yeah i mean they could also help us for just pharisees like we all work together yes by using them as bait for the final demon you'll both know we can hear you, right? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Shut up, kid. Do you know where this is? It's been so long since we were with other people. Do you know where the last demon is? You're going to tell us to go on back. I mean, I know how to summon him. It's those three structures over there. Yeah, we're at a checkpoint right here.

And Morgan points at three circles of cobblestone equidistant from each other and the other side of the field from you. I'm going to try to do like a vibe check on Glenn to see if I can suss out what his role insight for vibe check. Emotional problem might be. What level is Glenn? Has he leveled up since the end? Yo, he's 20.

Is Morgan level 2? Yeah, also level 20. And you're also level 20. You're the king of hell. I can be like level 22 or something though, right? Just like slightly higher. That's the max, is 20. Yeah, but not in hell. They changed the rules along with the bad bitch thing. 22 or something, though, right? Just like slightly higher. That's the max, is 20. Yeah, but not in hell, you know. They changed the rules along with the bad bitch thing. I got a 19.

Could have used your vibe check to see where exactly the anchor was, but no, you had to check in on his feelings. I know exactly where the anchor is. It's right there. I would say Glenn. Excuse me, Glenn, I'm talking. Excuse me, Scary, so what is the problem? Why don't we figure out how to get it away from him? Okay.

Well, that's what I'm trying to do. Okay. If you want to join us in doing that. Sure. I've been with you the whole time. I mean, that's subjectively not true. But as long as you're here now, there's always a spot open for you. Good to know.

Okay. Wow. You kids are so trustworthy. Yeah, they really are. We don't trust any of them. We don't trust you, and we don't trust her. In fact, it's the opposite. I literally don't trust anybody here, except for maybe normal, but like...

What do you mean, maybe? I mean, I trust her intent. I just think at the end of the day, we're all going to fail miserably. Hey, what about me, bud? I mean, you're my right-hand man, buddy. And I kind of tap my candy cane. Normal balls his fist jealous rage you're just my weapon at this point i'll take it so the vibe you get from glenn is that glenn's a little bit tired from you know responding and trying to kill this demon but he's also more stoked than he's ever been

his entire life he's fucking living his life entirely slaying demons with his babe by his side. He stole from that asshole Jody back. Everything is right in the world. And Glenn is like moral. You know what he is? What do you think Usain Bolt feels like after he wins the hundred meter dash? Do you know what I'm saying? Like tired, but on top of the world,

a king, a god. And Morgan's emotional state is like, I wish my husband would stop saying that he got me. Do I remember what the emotional states of the anchors are that we're looking for? So you detect that he has the anchor on him. It is not him himself. And that the color coming from it is blue. And that represents the feeling of love.

Whoa. Interesting. It's not in him like it was with tony it's on him he's got it somewhere well why don't we just ask him for it that's okay uh can we have hey do you have like a thing i feel like it's something on your person and i'm wondering if we can have it can you just strip and take everything and put in this trash can and we'll just burn it just everything right just burn everything we just need to find this one thing i heard the word strip you don't gotta say it twice glenn fucking rips off his fucking leather put it in this trash can and we'll just burn it. Just everything, right? Just burn everything. We just need to find this one thing. I heard the word strip.

You don't got to say it twice. Glenn fucking rips off his fucking leather jacket. He's covered in abs and scars. You're covered in abs? It's horrific looking. Abs and scars. Some genie's like he asked. You should be more careful about your wish.

Some free genie somewhere. Morgan's like, the 450th demon we attacked was a genie who gave him a twisted wish to get abs everywhere. I want to be covered in abs. He said, are you sure? He was like, that's too dumb for me. He was like, I'm giving you a second chance to reword this. I was like, no. He said no, and he just did it anyway.

Do I see any object? Yeah. You see a guitar pick fly out of his coat as he rips it off. And that guitar pick is the anchor. No, I want to be clear. I think the guitar pick would be in my guitar pick pocket. Okay. You have a pocket just for guitar picks?

Every pair of jeans has a pocket just for guitar picks. My guitar player boys know and girls know. There's that little pocket on the... It's your butthole. That's where guitar players put it. That's why that's why guitar players always say it's time to get stinky when they start playing. Stevie Ray Vaughan. Stevie Ray Vaughan, I heard once play the show in Austin City,

and he was like, it's time to stink up the place. And he pulled a pick. No, no. It's the little pocket on the jeans on the right side, the secondary. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Okay, so yeah, it's there then. You didn't rip off your pants in front of children, I'm assuming, so it's still there.

No, no, no, no. I'm here to flex all my abs. Well, either way, you see the outline of a pic in his next to his pendulous big dong. Thank you. He also wished for. No, no, no. Let's not get the canon wrong. Okay.

Glenn did not wish for a pendulous big dong. What did he wish for? Find out next time, listeners. What? He wished for a reduction in the size of his dong. It's still this big. He was the first man his dog people care about less to wait for next week like what glenn wished for regarding his penis so jody okay understanding the power that the pick holds to glenn personally is gonna lean over to Scary and go, hey,

it's that thing in his pocket. That special pocket. I want to hold my candy cane so that Taylor can listen in on whatever he is whispering. I flap a big demon wing in front so it's just me talking to Scary. You all roll opposed

stealth for Jimmy and then perception for Matt and Freddie. I got 12 on myself. But I'm closer. Okay, so Freddie then. You'll get a plus one. Okay, and then here's the thing though also. Wings don't stop sound waves, idiot.

I won't give him advantage then. I rolled 12 for stealth. All right. Nine. Jimmy got an 18 on his stealth roll, so you unfortunately cannot hear what he is about to say. Yeah, these are special. Don't worry, I'll tell you guys.

Oh, cool. This pick, it kind of represents a lot of his manhood. It's how he plays his instrument, his power. So if we can get rid of it, he's going to be way less cool. Morgan's going to see that, and then she'll come back to me, and I feel like you're the only one with the guts to do it. So, yeah, you got to get it out of his pocket. Okay.

Just try it. Okay, guys, so I've got a plan. We need to get the pick one with the guts to do it. So, yeah, you got to get it out of his pocket. Okay. Just try it. Okay, guys, so I've got a plan. We need to get the pick out of the pocket. Basically, it's not a big deal. He's got a bunch of other picks at home. It's just like we need to get this specific one because it's the anchor, you know? Okay. Sir, can we have your guitar pick?

Yeah. I see you coveting my treasures. No. Just the one. No. His eyes are up there, Morgan says. Just the my treasures. No. Just the one. No. His eyes are up there, Morgan says. That's a good tarpick. Thanks.

In that case, will you play us a tune? Oh, yeah. We'll hear. You get stinky? Let me get stinky for all of y'all real quick. Scary, what's a really long song? So we have as many opportunities as we need to to steal the pick out of his hands.

How about March of the Black Queen? Play all of it. Well, I feel like I'm not going to be persuaded by this child to play a song. Okay, well, I guess if you can't. I start launching into my 18-minute solo that I play over jingle bells. Okay, so you just play your favorite song.

Yeah, of course. Okay, fine. Check it out. Look how fast my finger, like, look at this. God, he's so cool. Glenn is the first person to get less cool

after going to hell. I finally understand why Star Wars fans were mad about Luke Skywalker. Jody's going to plug his ears with his little wings. Oh, God. Here we go again. So he's using the pick, right?

Yes, he is using the pick. Hey, I'm shredding. Scary. His hands are a blur. Don't you have... I'm whispering this is scary under the deafening sound of his guitar solo. I'm fucked up, dude. I'm in Ionian right now.

That's a joke for Will and Will alone. Hey, throw Mode out. Throw Mode out. I'll play it. Mixolydian love hey throw mode out throw mode out mixolydian. Come on everyone knows mixolydian It's a real region. I'm talking about When rolled up 25 on this performance not my best The best song like you hate the song cuz it's not your style of song most most of you, because you're teens, but if you were about 30 years older, it would be the greatest thing you'd ever heard in your lives. How does Jody feel about it?

Not great. I think you have to appreciate that it's a great song, but you hate the man doing it. It's like, separate the art from the art. Yeah, exactly. It's listen to old Louis C.K. specials.

Scary. Remember when you, and I'm not saying this because I approve of it, but remember when you were going to try to trick us all and then Link was like, psych, you know,

you can't trick us around me because I'm real trustworthy and everyone trusts me with like a spell? It was like a suggestion spell. Why don't you... I mean, maybe Glenn could be charmed by it. Why don't we see if he can give us the pick? During this whole time I'm walking, Glenn is walking to summon the demon again.

Okay, if he wants to. I think so, because he sees a bunch of distractions that he could use and throw against the demon. Okay, great. I'm just going to try to get the pick then. That's what we're trying to to. I think so, because he sees a bunch of distractions that he could use and throw against the demon. Okay, great. I'm just going to try to get the pick then. That's what we're trying to do. I was just saying, like, maybe Scary can trick him into giving it to us. Okay, let's try that. I'm just saying, like, I don't know.

When you're telling me to do it, I'm not as inclined to do it. All right, Scary, do one thing you can do. You know what? I'd rather do my idea. I don't want to do your idea. Don't steal. You couldn't do it anyways. As a group, you get one thing to do before Glenn manages to summon the demon again. I feel like this is an opposed role

between Link's reverse psychology and Scary's wisdom right now. Except to Beth whether or not she thinks it would work on Scary. Jodie's gonna also be like, oh no, no, no, you guys are too low level. Oh, I just said I don't want you to do it. I was trying to do reverse psychology on you. Oh, okay. It feels like Beth not grokking that is a sign. Yeah, it feels like Scary wouldn't grok that either.

Because you also have been hating her and negative towards her all the time, so it doesn't come off like reverse psychology. It's just you being your normal, not liking scary self. Otherwise, I was just going to use the candy can, and Taylor could try to grab that pick with his teeth. Jody's going to be like, no, Glenn's very powerful. You don't want anyone that's too weak to do this. You could get hurt real bad.

Well, if he hurts us, then that looks good for you, right? Well, that's a little, I don't like hurting kids necessarily. Yeah, but then he would be hurting the kids, so you look cool. Sir, we've been around the block. We've fought pizza kings. We've fought tentacle monsters. I think we can handle a little guitar playing. You all got beat by a baby. A baby almost killed you.

Look, Scary, do you have a way to get that pic? We all want to get out of here, right? So. Okay. I cast Spider Climb on myself. That's right. I'm the spider boy. How could you? Hey, what the hell, Scary? Oh, maybe she's the chosen one. There are trees surrounding the field, and you can easily climb up any of those if you wish to. Okay.

They're a hundred feet high. I'm just gonna climb up the guitar and try to grab it. Okay. I mean, you're a person sized person. You don't need to climb up a guy to reach at his midsection, but... I'm gonna climb him up. Alright, sure. Fine. Link don't need to climb up a guy to reach at his midsection, but... I'm going to climb him up. All right, sure, fine. Link's going to try to distract...

I said you got one thing. Yeah, this is going to be to help her climbing up the guitar. No, he's already turned around. Huh? He's already turned around. Well, do you want to hear what I'm going to say?

Sure. I'm just trying to be harder on you all. Oh, yeah, no, that's fine. Maybe this doesn't work. I was going to say, pretty good solo, but, like, I bet you can't do it with guitar behind your back. Ha! Ha! Shake this out, idiot! Hell was going to say, pretty good solo, but I bet you can't do it with guitar behind your back.

Ha! Ha! Check this out, idiot! Hell yeah, it works, Anthony! Fucking idiot. Yep. This old track. Yep.

Heard Van Halen do that all the time. That's so fucking stupid. Glenn puts the guitar behind his head and starts wailing even harder on the solo. I'm going to roll performance again now. And because he's doing that, he's now rolled a 32 on performance. It somehow got better behind your back. It's the best version of Wimpy Ball.

Scary, you were perching him from behind the pick as well within your reach. His hands are a blur. They're going so fast. I just rolled sleight of hand, and I got 15. Good luck, Bat. Try to put your fucking hand in a wood chipper.

Yeah. I don't care what happens to my hand as long as I get that anchor. With a 15, I feel like you roll dexterity opposed Frederick. You walked into the wrong fucking L. Can you be a

28? So yeah, his hand just saws yours off. It's your speed of it. And then you just have a rest. Oh my god! Scary. It saws yours off. It's your speed of it. Just... And then you just have a rest. Oh, my hand. No, seriously, your hand looks... Oh, my God.

Scary. Scary, are you okay? No. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait. What's up, Taylor? Throw me.

Like a javelin. Into the guitar. Okay. Instead of throwing you, I'm going to spear like a whaler. I'm going to just stab you into the guitar. I summon my cheerleading spirit and i say you can do it link throwing something is just like kicking something with your hands link like his eyes roll in the back of his head and like so much has unlocked for him like he thinks about all the times they're ready to shoot a basketball like all the times he's like yeah he's just like

thinking like all of a sudden like his hands look like his feet and he's just like yeah he's just like thinking like all of a sudden like his hands look like his feet and he's just thinking about this he's like they are just like he goes back to fucking primordial time yeah dude it cuts like 2001 he's like all limbs are just the same he's like wait a second why am i using only two of my limbs like i could be doing so much more yeah he's gonna throw because tay Taylor said so, he's gonna throw Taylor's face connected to this candy cane. Well, no, no, the sharpened end. The sharpened end. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead and throw with whatever bonuses you get

from the spirit kids. I think I have to, yeah. I'm weighing it perfectly. It's perfectly balanced with your head on it. Wait, lick it a little more. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, licorice. It's always a trick. Why would anybody want licorice as a candy cane? Okay. What's better than this?

Guys being dudes. Jodi the entire time is just watching mouth agape going, this was a bad idea. What am I rolling? You're rolling a ranged attack because you're throwing a thing at a thing. While I'm soloing, I kind of look over and I wink at Morgan. And Scary is climbing up a tree and is crying and is like, I just wanted them to not have spider boys. Roll an 18.

Okay, so Freddy as Glenn, roll Opposed Perception. See if you notice this thing coming for your axe. 19 plus 5, 24. Fuck. Okay, so you know the thing is coming towards your axe. You can choose how to react to that. I think I'm going to

just spin around and roundhouse kick this object out of the air. Like, Matt, you know what I'm talking about, right? Wait, wait.

Like, zow, zow. Wait, come on. You need to help out Taylor. As he notices, though. No, I think that's more important. As Taylor, you should say.

Taylor anticipates the move. See what I'm saying? Don't you have to roll for this? No, no, no. This is the rest of the episode. I'm just telling you in advance. I just gave Freddie a blue boxing glove and a red boxing glove,

and he's just hitting himself with both hands over and over. I'm like, this is the most fun I've ever had. You could give him the big, like, you know, sad eyeballs, but Grandpa, you know, it's like give him something to make him. Well, technically, he's not his grandpa. Yeah, technically, no. Technically, Jody's my grandpa. Oh, yeah.

Are you related to Glenn? He's not. I'm not. You're not. Yeah. Canonically. It's just like a guy. Spiritually kind of.

Spiritually because it's... Spiritually kind of in the same way like... Freddie behind the wheel both times. I play guitar. I'm spiritually connected with Stevie Ray Vaughan, but I'm not related to him whatsoever. Yeah. We share a bond through the kinship of music.

And Taylor and Glenn share a bond through the kinship of music. And Taylor and Glenn share a bond through the kinship of this is just how Freddie improvises. So Taylor is anticipating the worst possible outcome so he's steeled himself for it. So he's going to adjust

his spin trajectory as it's spiraling. Taylor's going to be like, he's making a move! And then Taylor's going to throw his head around the other direction like change a directory You see, Glenn knows. Glenn knows that this trajectory is moving. Oh, my God.

So, Glenn holds a fucking sick twisted bend on the fucking 12th fret of the B string as he turns around and grabs the candy cane out of the air, dude. And then he's face to face with Taylor. He's like, you think you got what it takes to defeat me? And then Taylor, okay? Taylor goes, you're quicker than I thought. Oh, man. Glenn goes, nothing personal, kid. And he throws the fucking candy cane into space as hard as he can.

He just throws it up and never comes down? He launches that shit, dude. He launches that shit with all of his might. What was that? Athletics? Athletics, I think. So we're going with this, right? Is that athletics?

He's dead. Anthony can't even talk. He can't even move. No sounds coming out of his mouth. Yeah, now he's crying adequately. Yeah, it's athletics. Glenn rolls a 6 plus 7

13. Not my best throw. So yeah, Taylor kind of goes up. He threw a football the average distance in the air and then he goes back up. He's like, it's not your best the average distance in the air. And then he goes back up. And then he's like, star, like, ding! It's not your best throw, old man! Yeah, and then, yeah, you come back flying back down to Earth. Well, no, I think I'm just like out of the fight now.

I mean, yeah, but maybe not. You don't land next to Glenn. You landed square in the middle of where the demon is going to be summoned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You landed right next to the second circle of cobblestones. It's high enough that I can nearly move to try and catch him. Oh, it's like that Foxtail game that we played as a kid. It was that ball with the- You're done, yeah. You landed right next to the second circle of cobblestones. It's high enough that I can nearly move to try and catch him. Oh, it's like that Foxtail game that we played as a kid. It was that ball with the...

You're done, Freddie. You remember that, right? Take a lap. Cool off. I got 22 for athletics. Oh, my God. Easily, you grabbed it. I might catch it like a cheerleader catching a baton.

On your teeth. He's beginning to believe. And I spin, and I look at Taylor. I was like, that was a pretty good try. It was a nice try. Round two, I throw. Fuck. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. So Morgan comes in and slaps the fucking candy cane down. Ow! What the hell, lady? She leaps in and slaps you down and you embed into the dirt. And she goes, fuck it, we're summoning this demon. And she points at the first cobblestone. That really sucks, lady.

She points at the first cobblestone circle and she goes, well. And she points at the second cobblestone thing and really sucks, lady! She points at the first cobblestone circle, and she goes, well, and she points at the second cobblestone thing, and she says well, and she points at the third cobblestone thing, and she says well, and the cobblestone things rise up, and wooden grooves come out of them, and a bucket comes down, and you hear, well, well, well, and twelve soccer players

fly out of the wells and land in front of you. Link stumbles back, drops to the floor, just tears in his eyes. And you hear the voices of 12 bullies simultaneously saying, Well, well, well. So you want to try to beat the 12-in-one again, huh? Ha ha. Wait a second.

I think Link looks at Taylor, who's on the ground, and he grabs a candy cane, and he stands up. He goes, sup, assholes? Hear this voice? It's a new link. And I hold up Taylor and I got friends now. Wow. The soccer well, well, well boys are here. But nobody sees me up in this tree.

I see you scary. I actually got a spell. I was going to cast a healing hand. Everybody's forgotten about me. I guess I'm not really part of this group after all. If you cast spider boys on me, I can climb up and help you. I can help your hand. I'm a healer. That's what I do. I can help. I can, you know of this group after all If you cast spider boys on me I can climb up and help you I can help your hand I'm a healer That's what I do

I can help I can you know They're still good in you I'm pretty sure Sometimes I still think I hear them Talking to me I'm down here I'm talking to you

I'm part of the group Scary It's scary It's normal Whatever Scary you literally left the group Whatever Just get down

You literally left the group Whatever What are you doing I'm just gonna write in my diary So the 12 soccer players go like, oops, looks like you're going to have a hard time beating us with the best soccer player in Teen High up in a tree. Wait, are you guys like actually the kids?

Like, was I going to school with the demons? Maybe, yes. Maybe not. Yes, yes. Of course you were. Yeah, yeah. Wait, is one of you Schmagan's kid? Yeah.

I bet your dad. But your dad is real cool. You should say, come on. So at that moment, Link, your phone rings. Your phone vibrates. I don't know why I reached my phone. Matt reached for his real phone. What a method.

Matt's so deep right now, dude. It took Matt hours to shake off Link and Lee Wilson. It was so deep right now, he picked up his real phone. Yeah. And you see a text on your phone from an unknown number. I didn't because I had my phone up to my ear. The man. It's weird to know he's talking.

I heard a ring. After a few minutes of that. Oh, it's a text message. So you see a message from it saying, if you need help, reply yes to this message. It's got to be a scam. Have you guys seen? That sounds like a scam. Chase always says they would never ask for your information.

I mean, yeah, sure, why, I mean, what's the harm? I type yes back. Okay. You type please unsubscribe. In that moment, your phone explodes and its shards create a circle in the air, a circular portal that electricity connects each of the individual pieces.

And through that portal, you begin to see manifesting a window into a place that you've been before, a window into the FBI headquarters. And Agent Schmegen and all of his men, armed with machine guns, come stomping through the portal into hell. And just then, another portal opens. And who is it?

It's the entire Wakanda nation. And look, there's another one, and it's Spider-Man and all his friends. Hey, Schmagan on your left. Or right, I forget. It's on your left. It's on your left. We made it.

So Schmagan puts a hand on your shoulder, and he says, I knew you'd always be the one to help us out. I knew you had some good in you. Yeah. Thanks for giving us hell. We're going to turn this into just another American institution of democracy. Fucking narc. I mean, I literally do not care. but don't care what you guys do that's fair yeah whatever i mean this place american needs more soldiers like you

wait this is your soldier man this place sucks but uh we're just we just got to get this guitar pick so these are the same people that tried to kill and torture his own son right yeah so i have an ire against them so i see them laying i'm like oh these motherfuckers no no no no no these buckos these buckos are not gonna help us i refuse no get out of here go back to where you came from you sink through the ground and then you come back up where you are because there's no you just it loops like uh the pac-? No, I drop from the top. Ah! You buckos! Ah! So are you going to attack them or do something? I'm going to instantly attack all of them.

I'm just going to fly into them and clear them out. Cool. The agents start firing at you as you head toward them with your electric whip. That solo's harder. Now it's two-hand tapping. Wait, if he's two-hand tapping, he doesn't have his pick. Fucking idiot. You have the pick pinched between your fingers and you use that

to give a little more definition on the top screen. So yeah, you're playing harder. I'm happy to demonstrate. Morgan's throwing up the devil horns and head-banging really, really hard. And then the 12 soccer players go like, well, looks like the adults are a little bit occupied. Nah, you ain't going anywhere,

fucking kids. I'll kill you. Okay, I mean, but you failed every other time you tried to fight us. Yeah, wait, can I ask a question? Why did Glenn fail to kill these 12 kids? Because you can't kill them. You have to beat them and a soccer ball appears on the field at soccer and one man cannot beat 12 people at

soccer no matter how hard he tries. Messi could. Messi could. Messi could. But Messi's in heaven could but messy's in heaven he got baptized yeah yeah he got baptized that's the only reason we gotta play soccer scary lands and says i'm not a soccer player yeah we there wasn't an opportunity to do that a few minutes ago but now just so we're clear so wait the 12 kids there's like a demon ball in front of them or whatever yep and it's like there's perpetually on fire it's perpetuallyually on fire. It's perpetually on fire. Okay. Hey, Morgan. When I said use them as a distraction, I don't know what I was thinking.

I meant fill out the team because I would know that. I would know that we would know that. I would know that we would know that. I know. I speak your language. I know what you mean. It's the words you don't say more than the words you say. God, I love you.

God, you're so hot. God, tongue kiss me right now. Oh, my God. Oh, God, fuck this. I'm going to try to steal the pick while he's making out with his wife. All right. Go ahead and roll sleight of hand. 20.

Wow. Not a natural 20, just a plain 20. Sure. Roll a post-perception Frederick. Glenn definitely makes out with a pick in his mouth. No! 16 plus 5, 21. Not even worth it.

So what do you do when you see this kid's hand coming toward your face? And when they separate, you see that the pick is on his tongue. Yeah, dude. And tied in a knot, dude. When you find someone that you really love, you're going to be able to do this with them one day, kid. Oh, God. Okay, well, I feel like I've set up a certain number of things that you can do. It's up to you to choose which one of those.

Leak looks at Gary. Morgan says, if you beat these demons for us, we'll give you the pick. Wait, hold on, babe. Babe, babe, I got it. I can get you a new pick. Leak looks at Scary. What position are you gonna play? Left striker. Game on. I'll be, uh, one of the players. Yeah, that's cool. I'll kick the ball at you guys.

Jody into this and go, you're better off as a cheerleader! Hey, Jody, shut the back. And what about me? Hey, hey, hey, put me in, coach. Turn me upside down first. You'll be like the flag. Put me in goal. I'll block anything that comes at me.

Yeah, he can be like our goalie. Or our chief. Wait, wait. Maybe you should learn the rules of the game. If I, no, I couldn't. I couldn't. I was like, because I don't have my mascot outfit with me,

obviously, right? You saw it in the upper level of hell if you want to go back up and try like, I don't have my mascot outfit with me, obviously. Right. You saw it in the upper level of hell. If you want to go back up and try to get the hell version of your mascot outfit with you. Jody, could you give me a couple levels up real quick? Back to pride. Jody, in the midst of slapping around all these FBI agents. I'll say whatever word I have to. Just get over here.

I just hop on your back to pride. I take you off my back and I just throw you upwards. And Hermie hears you say to pride and he's like, I knew it. I zip up to Pride. I see Teeny the Teen. I'm like, Teeny the Teen, I need your body but not your head. Roll persuasion. I got a 21. Fuck yeah.

So Teeny the Teen goes, give me an O. Give me an okay. Okay. And he decapitates himself. His body walks towards you. Okay. And I say, back down we go. Yeah. That's not. Okay, and I say, back down we go, hyah! That's not how it works! Doesn't work. I say, bitch!

You go down another level. You have to say bitch like five times. I say it five times. I'm like, by the fifth time, I'm almost like, I think it's okay. You're crying by the time you get down there. Okay, so you're back where you are and now you're holding the headless form of Teenie the Teenie.

Did somebody call for a body? No, I actually quite like where i'm at right now but i mean i i just grabbed your head and stick it on top of teeny the candy cane yeah the candy cane yeah yeah i slide the candy bro it's just like the golden monkey in legends of the hidden temple you gotta roll this if you get the pieces right because those fucking kids they always put it backwards i figured out why by the way yeah because they were not doing it for camera. They were doing it for themselves. No, because that's also the first time anybody had seen the Golden Eye.

Oh, sure. They shot all those episodes in a block. All those kids didn't have- This is just perpetual stew all over it. All right, so yes, the candy cane is into the stump of Teeny the Teen, and his head is kind of over his left shoulder because of the curve of the candy cane.

Get in the mascot, Shinji. Get in the mascot, Taylor. Yes, and you find, Taylor, that you have limited control over the limbs of Teeny the Teen. Psychically, you're connected with the candy cane and the body of Teeny the Teen, and you can move around like this.

Your head's high up, huh? Yeah, it's higher than normal and it's to the left. So yeah, you're a good goalie, and you're sticky. You've been licking me. Yeah, yeah. The two things you want a good goalie and you're sticky. You've been licking me. Yeah. The two things you want in a goalie. Sticky and tall. Sticky and tall.

Girl, is he single. I'll take goalie. All right. I'm center mid. Jody, you want to play with us? I'm just slapping all the FBI agents. Yeah, he's probably

He's probably Hermie goes, what spaces are remaining? Hermie, you and me are going to be the guys that are the other guys on the team, right? You two are left back and right back. You and me are going to be the guys that are the other guys on the team, right? You two are left back and

right back. You do not let the ball go in the goal. I thought that's my job. When they undeniably make a mistake, you can use your hands to stop the ball from going into the goal. Alright. I scream back at Hermie. Hermie, bend it like Beckham! And he goes,

of course. And he closes his eyes, and he opens his eyes, and he looks just like Keira Knightley. I knew it was going to be Keira Knightley! Because he goes, I didn't want to be the Indian girl, but I'm just, it's, oh, it's me, Keira Knightley. Normal drops to his knees. I'm so confused! Does Glenn and Morgan play?

Yeah, if you want them to, sure. Glenn goes like, all right, and he sort of like throws his guitar away like Prince at the end of that one solo. Yeah, it just goes up. You don't see it anymore. It goes to another layer of hell. Yeah. People in the B-word level are like, ooh, free guitar. And I feel like Glenn's just going to stand wherever the fuck he wants on the field because

he doesn't really like soccer. And he's like, I guess I'll be here. Morgan knows what soccer is. So what position would she take? Right striker. Right striker. So she fucking flexes her extremely muscular right leg. It makes like a gun cocking noise.

She plants it into the ground. Her thighs are the size of hams. She could kill you with her thighs. Thinking too much about that now. So normally this would be a 4-4-2 but I think there's's six of us, so it's like a 2-2-2 position. Great. With a goalie. Six versus 12.

Wait, you got 12? Yeah, there's 12 of them. There's 12 of them, Matt. Yeah, but there's 11 players on the team, man. They're cheaters. Yeah, they're sick fucking cheaters. One of them has to be on the sideline. Here's the thing.

Oh, gosh. Actually, you know what you know? Three of you guys got to come over to our team, so it's a fair game. So what you do? Persuasion. Okay, hold on. Before you do that, when you say, well, there should only be 11 of them, you realize that there's 11 demons

and one of them is just Schmagan's kid who they kidnapped. Schmagan's kid! Hey, can we use that? Can we have Schmagan? Yeah, can we have

that kid? Can we have that? Can we have that kid? There's a lot of having of things this episode. Glenn picks up what normal is

throwing down. He's like, hey, hey, kid, let me do this. Hey, Shmagan, you're on our team now, and I'm going to roll persuasion as Glenn clubs. Nice. Ooh, that sounds fun. Natural one. No! They kill him. Are you kidding me? They say, you want this?

Yeah. You know what they do? It's like in fucking the Battle of the Bastards when they have John's brother run and they just keep like lobbing fireballs at him and he's like almost to you and then one hits him through the chest

and he fucking dies in front of you. And Anthony, who's happy he doesn't have to now come up with a name for that character, is psyched. The kid doesn't even get a name?

No. You Schmaggots kid, he goes, my kid! Schmaggots says. My Schmaggots kid died and I thought Glenn got him. Why would they hit

Schmaggots kid? Because you rolled a natural one and he said,magan's kid died after Glenn got him. Why would they hit Schmagan's kid? Because you rolled a natural one. He said, you want this kid? And they sent him to you. And knowing that you cared about him and they fucking iced him. Wait, but was this kid baptized? Actually, yeah.

So he, and his chest explodes and he falls to the ground and then like a cartoon, like an angel ghost. Father, father, father. Our time was so brief, but I will be in a better place now for I ascend to his godly domain. He sounds just like that. Father, our time was so brief, but I will be in a better place now, for I ascend to his godly domain.

He sounds just like Schmeggin, knowing that as a man. Please weep not for me, Father. Knowing that as an FBI agent, he will never go to heaven. He goes like, Vaya con Dios, my son. Yes, Father, Vaya con Dios. I will see you in his glorious eternal kingdom. I walk over to Schmeggin, who's doing a fucking Gears of War, like shooting, blind firing over the cover at Jody.

He goes, what is it, kid? I stand with Jody's tears streaming down his face. Jody, stop. What? Stop. We're playing soccer. Just like either play soccer

or wait till this game's over. I'm in the middle of doing a thing where you hold someone and you just slap them over and over again. So roll intimidation against Jody. Good luck, idiot. Oh, here I run over to Morgan.

I got 14, but... You got a 14? You rolled to me. 12. Morgan looks like she's having a lot of fun playing soccer. Shame if only one of the guys

she was interested in was playing soccer. The FBI agent I'm holding, I just grab him and i just tear him in half and throw him back i'm like let's go and schmanga goes my brother was he baptized and i turn back i say you may not make it to heaven but this is a beautiful game you play in honor of her son and maybe whoever's up there will let you in that's what all soccer players are hoping for persuasion again 15 i hear the big j is a big fan of soccer is that for jesus

or jehovah whatever you believe in buddy so uh he only rolled a 12 so he goes you know i think you're right i think heaven erases sins based on quality of athletic talent. Contribution. Contribution. All NFL players go to heaven. Sadly. Play like your son's watching, which they will because they all watch soccer in heaven.

That's true. And they call it soccer. And they call it soccer. It's called soccer, you fucking prick. It's America. Oh, no. You know what? Yeah, I'm going to do it for my son.

Who's watching me up in heaven. Let's do this. FBI guys, fellow agents. Don't worry about the demon for now. For now, we have a soccer team to beat. We only need four more of you guys, though. Only four of you, then me and three other guys who wants. And then everybody's like me, me, me.

And he picks like the three most athletic guys. And then the guys go. Oh, let me sit by the side. most athletic guys and the other guys go oh and they sit by the side so it is currently Morgan

Glenn all of you Jody Agent Schmeggen and three other soccer players versus 11 yeah we have a full 11 now

you have a full 11 and they have a full 11 now so it's an even game so they put the soccer ball down in the middle can a small team of demon children lead us out

onto the pitch oh yeah they're all holding your hands yeah hold on hold on in the middle. Can a small team of demon children lead us out onto the pitch? Yes. Oh yeah, they're all over your hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, hold on. We gotta do this right. You gotta do this right.

Please stand for the demon national anthem. And you just hear a bunch of little kids going, pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch, pitch. As they all land

and then lead us in. They all lead you then lead us in. They all lead you in one at a time onto the field. Taylor's getting carried like a candy cane. He talks to his kids like, so what you in here for, buddy? Insider training? Well, he's a kid, so I can't say anything.

I don't think it's going to be really sad. I just wasn't baptized. I ate some lead paint and I wasn't baptized. See, it's that. Ah, wall chips. Yeah, forbidden chips. Your captains line up at the ball. I guess it'd be a scary both like this.

We both. We refuse to not be captain. Captains, here's your chance to shit talk them and demoralize them. You guys are in hell, so that fucking sucks for you. Yeah, it fucking sucks. Being in hell. Well, well, well, we found a way out of hell any time we like. That's why we're at your school all the time, idiot.

We can come as go as we please. Nice try. Must be stressful to feel like you're stuck in two worlds. Not able to share the true self that lies within. Heads, and the guy flicks the coin out. Alliance tails. So you get to choose whether you want to kick or receive.

What is it? Guys can't even win a coin toss and you're going to win a soccer game. Ooh, that's good. We're going to kick first, right? Yep. Kick first. I toss the ball to scare her.

I just look at her. I just say, don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. You already fucked this up. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right. Language, children.

If you suck as much as a friend, I mean, if you suck as much, I mean, if you suck as much at soccer as you do at friendship, then you're going to, we're going to have a problem. Yeah, well, then we both suck and we're going to lose this game. So like, that would suck for you. I haven't. First game back and you already lost. Fucking, I, this isn't me back. Normal panics and kicks the ball.

All our days whisked away. Is there something more to say? and kicks the ball. Let me sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Fake, steal, and borrow Break where we can't change

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM.

Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlo. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Special guest this week, Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. Theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon, which features the likes of people like Miriam, Joey Lopez, Matthew Simpkin, Sergeant Pinky, Sam J. Murphy, TJ Vivier, Mel Hayes, Tegan Michael Sheridan, Howard Gawlier, Tanisha Gonti, Lavi Nichols, Joseph Gravel, NFAM, Elizabeth Lai, Ultima Pharaoh, Jacob, Shadow Burdick, Joshua Sisk, Glenn, and Jabbles Raz. Supporting us at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads directly supports this show and you can get ad-free episodes and bonus content. And if you get on that Patreon now and stay a patron for three months,

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one-shot campaigns, mini side campaigns, as well as our after show, team talk where we hang out, answer listener questions, give some insight behind the scenes into the latest episode. And if you're some kind of Discord pervert there's also a big old active discord server for patrons you can get access to as well where we do official live listens and live

events check it all out at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddads.com our merch is store.dungeonsanddads.com our subreddit is dungeons and daddies and our next episode is coming at you March 14th we'll see you then we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today we live for tomorrow make steel and borrow brave while we can't change we gotta

pick ourselves up and say not today no not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way We all said the B word. That's why we're here. Yes, yes, because you're sinless otherwise.

Yeah. Taylor, I know what you do at night. Anyway. Yes, I watch a lot of anime. And we will leave it at that.