Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 29 - S.O.C.C.E.R.: Shadow Of Scorenogoal

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Game on, as the teens kick off the soccer match in HELL!This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Body Horror, Gore, and References to Self Harm / Suicide.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Jodie Foster is Jimmy Wong (@jfwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Without you, Schmagan And I know so much about you Like your name is Schmagan You were a kid who Attended high school And I bet that all your friends are sad Cause you were so cool Cause you were so cool

What? Why me? All the friends you had? I only knew your dad Why am I the one to have to spit about you, Brad? We never met, you liked soccer, maybe you had a pet But honestly, your dad never mentioned it I'm sure you were great, but I got so much on my plate The journey started fun, but now I'm feeling numb And worst of all, my new voice is super dumb My theology is geology, I'm not a man of faith But Schmeggin', I'm begging God to take me in your place

You had a moistened mind, so brilliant, so clear No wonder you were the museum's favorite volunteer But you were more than that, Schmegs Heck, you helped me name my daughter So me and Mercedes will raise our birdie in your honor. How can we not talk about heaven when heaven's the kingdom of God? Every soul can get there through the love of Jesus Christ. Now you're gonna see it cause you're baptized.

It's been a long day without you, Schmegin. day without you Schmagan and I know so much about you like your name is Schmagan. You were a kid who attended high school and I bet that all your friends are sad cause you were so cool. Cause you were so cool. First time I said hi your eyes looked down to the floor. I said, cause you were so cool. Cause you were so cool. First time I said, hi, your eyes look down to the floor. I said, my name's Stacy. You haven't met me before. That high turned into friendship, friendship into a love. Soon you were meeting my dad and he was calling you son. It's just a high school romance, but it felt like much more as I practiced my vows down at the wedding dress store. Heard you died, didn't cry out of denial and doubt. I swear to God, if you're in heaven, Brad will come rip you out.

How can we not talk about heaven when heaven's the kingdom of God? Every soul can get there through the love of Jesus Christ. Now you're gonna see it cause you're baptized. You're gonna see them cause you're back to us. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a D&D podcast about four kids from our world thrown into another world. Anthony, stop watching YouTube videos. I was trying to get to my fucking notes and I hit the wrong tab. I was trying to get to Pornhub and then the sound was on.

I'm just trying to do what I always do when we do Dad Facts which is just watch somebody get railed. Mom, it was a virus. Do you not just turn your webcam on?

How did this pop-up happen? I don't know, Mom. It's so weird. It's like an Xbox controller. Oh, it's probably just because you buy feminine products on Amazon, Mom.

Probably because I'm such an ally. That's probably why I showed up. Back in the day, kids, you have one family computer. That's what we're talking about. Right. Oh, mom. Probably because I'm such an ally, that's probably why I showed up. Back in the day, kids, you have one family computer. That's what we're talking about. You don't know what the phrase white knuckle

means. It's the Dungeons and Dragons podcast. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll cool ranger anime head. That's a team. Or is he? You're on a body now, right? Did I get transferred? You're on a body now, right? Did I get transferred? Yeah, you're on a teen's body.

You're on a teen's body. You're a mecca. Since we're about to engage in some sports, some sporting, some sporting events here, finally, once again, the podcast finds itself doing what we all should have been doing in high school, I'd like to give a little Taylor fact, which is that Taylor doesn't shower. What?

Taylor doesn't shower. That doesn't seem like a surprise. no no no the time taylor showers is before physical activity before strenuous physical activity but other than that he just straight up it's like so does he not shower here's how taylor treats his body okay okay he treats his body like freddie wong treats his car in a car wash, which is when it rains, it gets a little cleaner and we're good. We bought a little bit of time. I feel like my whole steez is being chomped right now. I feel like this is an encroachment on normal.

Here's the thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, know this power. And you could have it, too, if you are the Asian persuasion. No, be honest. Actually, no, you can't have it. You either do or you don't. You can't, like, get it. That's true. Jimmy knows this well. I'm going to call Jimmy out right now. Jimmy, big not showering fan, I got to say.

Yeah, it's true. Of all the people in this room, I probably shower the least. What? What is happening? What is happening on this podcast? I don't know. Well, look. Jimmy inspired my fact this week.

Okay, what is your fact? Okay, just. Nothing matters. So the only time he showers is right before week. Okay. What is your. Okay. Just. The only time he showers is right before he does that. Shower work. Okay. I just need to know. I don't know why I need to know.

Just for the people who write our Wikipedia. It's the fact that he doesn't shower. Nobody writes on Wikipedia. The people who doesn't shower. Does he not shower? Or does he shower before events? Okay. So when it rains, Taylor counts that as like bathing. Okay.

So he doesn't. So he goes outside, just waits in the rain. Yeah. And walks around moodily. Well, that's romantic. Yeah. So he always is like before the soccer game, he's going to, you know. I'm going to need you to explain one more time how he's not stinky.

That's what I'm going to need to understand. I don't have body odor. Some people don't have body odor. Yeah, but like your hair gets greasy, doesn't it? Sure. Yeah. And when I take a shower, it's because of my hair, to be honest. I see.

Or I like sweat a lot. Yeah. And Taylor. So Taylor's got stinky hair. No, he tucked my hair, to be honest. I see. Or I sweat a lot. And Taylor touched that stinky hair. No, he tucked that on that pork pie hat. You know what I'm saying? That's worse.

That got like, here's what it was. He got like Yuzu air fresheners inside the pork pie hat. Oh my. Oh God. All right. Here's what it is.

And scent is a very complicated scent. It comes out smelling great. Matt, please introduce yourself. I'm taking it. I'm taking it. i apologize for asking a

follow-up question to freddie's this is your fault yeah sorry hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the school dead home soccer kid productive paladin in the group a little swerve from freddie's fact here i want to get a little serious i want to talk about lincoln he did have a best friend when he was growing up and unfortunately his best friend did die when he was eight years old oh no it's an animal it's an animal no his best friend was called mr kicks and it was his creative character on his fifa game and they transferred that they made it and then they transfer that character every year he's made it when he first started playing fifa and every year they would transfer

mr kicks from one save file to the next every single year. And that was kind of like Lincoln's only friend. Like when his dads were busy or whatever, he would just play with Mr. Kicks. And let's just say sometimes the play extended beyond the soccer field. And, you know, he may talk with them, stay in the character screen for a little bit, just hang out. And unfortunately, when the guy who soaks, I got a new console, but it wasn't backwards compatible and they messed up the transfer. And Mr. Kicks save file was gone forever. And he's in cyber hell now.

Which layer of hell is cyber hell where deleted characters go? You can just remake Mr. Kick's. You can't remake all those stats. He has four years of stats. You absolutely can. Well, you could remake the character model,

but it wouldn't be Mr. Kick's. You could repaint the Mona Lisa. It's not the Mona Lisa. It's not Mr. Kick's. It's a Mr. Kick's of Theseus.

When does it stop becoming Mr. Kix? The stats wouldn't be the same as he did. No, he even did that, Anthony. He did. He made a new Mr. Kix. And then he looked and said, hours played. Hours played.

It said one minute. And Lincoln stared with a tear in his eyes knowing that, no, the Mr. Kix he knew played with a lot longer than one minute. That Mr. Kix, Link got to talk to about things that were really, really like bothering him. While he dribbled. While he dribbled in an idle loop animation. Mr. Kix Link got to talk to about things that were really, really like bothering him.

While he dribbled, while he dribbled in an idle loop animation. Mr. Kix, RIP in peace. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery school spirit mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Fact about Normal this week. Fun fact about Normal.

Normal is such a fan of Teen High. How big of a fan is he he right he's the uh most published author in the uh teen high fan fiction subforum on ao3 he writes like a lot of like high school fan fiction about the school ao3 is a cyborg version of alexandria ocasio-cortez. You just whisper fan fiction into her ear. She judges you. Archive of our throne, queen. So yeah, he writes a lot of stories mostly about what would happen

if the mascot was real and had to go to the school and was friends with other mascots from other schools. He wrote one that was just about a kid who wakes up one day and is a mascot and he does not realize

that he essentially just rewrote the metamorphosis it's about someone turning into a cool big mascot and then their life is great afterwards uh question does anyone else write on this fan fiction forum you know i feel like it's one of those ones where there's like three other mystery posters yeah um and like he's left his latest saga like there's sort of like the my immortal of teen high fanfic if you will like off on like a pretty big cliffhanger since the adventure started. And then can I ask, is he the only one who's kind of doing like school centric based? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, is it very obvious it is him?

Like, what's his username? Like, who are these mystery fan fiction writers? And then one of them's like, in the world where Taylor's dating. Mark, we get pizza. It's like, who's this mysterious writer? The coolest kid in school, Taylor Swift. And AU,

where you're attractive. Pepperoni Tony's probably on there too. I mean, I was just thinking, yeah. Oh, that's actually pretty good. Yeah,

when the writers just stopped writing. Oh no, it's so sad. It's just about the masculine principle. On that note, my name is Beth May

and I play Scary Marlo. I read that chair when you said your name. She hasn't even done anything bad recently. A goth punk seeker of darkness, rebeller teen, betrayer teen who is not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary this week. It's a pretty involved fact. You kind of have to get into the world of Scary for a minute. It's actually a poem. It's not a fact. It's a pretty involved fact. You kind of have to get into the world of scary for a minute. It's actually a poem.

It's not a fact. It's a poem. I mean, boo. This is what was going through her head as the last episode came to a close. I'm going to try to separate the artist from the art. I'm writing this in my head. No pen.

The pain in my hand is a 10 out of 10. Hand, or should I say, lack thereof. The fires of hell fit like a glove. 10 pain, zero friends. 22 take the pitch. I'll win this game faster than y'all said, bitch. Damn. Damn.

Was that all lowercase? I couldn't tell. It was all lowercase. I could tell. The way she said it, it was very obvious. As a real poet, can you tell at poetry slams if someone's like, that's an all lowercase poem? Yes, absolutely.

You can. Really? This is a skill you must teach me. Okay, I will. Yeah, whatever. Jimmy, introduce yourself. Can you, as someone, tell when someone says they're going to do something for you and they're not going to do it?

I can't. I can't. It's been a long life full of disappointment. I'm waiting for so many people to get coffee with me. That's very LA. Am I supposed to go? Yes, you are.

Hi, everyone. Oh, such a pleasure to be back. I love everyone out there, the community. Great. Shut the fuck up and introduce yourself. My name is Jimmy Wong.

I play the Oathbreaker Paladin. Well, Paladin turned Oathbreaker. Current King of Hell, Jodie Foster. He's just kind of a loner. Wow. Not really by choice. His wife left him.

You're like King of like half of Hell, right? You know, I think our reality is whatever we project onto it. So he definitely projects that he is a loner. You're only as alone as you feel. And everyone else has wronged him as opposed to the other way around. That sounds toxic. But maybe we'll see some character development. Well, who knows?

Jodie's dad fact for today actually ties to something that he didn't really realize was going to happen when he changed back to the king of hell, the demon that he is, the Balor, in that everything was going to fuck up. Everything was going to go differently because he had basically two consciousnesses now, right? He had like the human one that was just great cop dad.

And then he has the demon one, which does not care about anyone else at all and uh one might say that perhaps the two are actually inextricably linked but it was like two personalities clashing and informing into this current thing and as a result he's just been extremely downtrodden ever since and just to give some people some backstory this is what led to morgan being like all right this is. This person is not who I married, not who I care about. In fact, it seems like

they're just a different person entirely. And then that's why they divorced. He could not handle the two consciousnesses entering into himself. I don't feel bad for him. Yeah. I know, I do too. I feel bad for him.

No, I said I don't. I feel so bad. He's complicated, so I have to feel bad about him. But people need to understand, it's tough. I'm Anthony, I'm your dad. So that's why Jody thinks the divorce happened.

That's what Jody says at the bar to his friends. I saw some comments that not unreasonably were like, ah, it's kind of a bummer that Morgan and Glenn are back together because I thought his whole growth was that he like got over the fact that he needed to be with his wife. And I get that and I understand that. But in my head, my head canon is that after season one

when Glenn was like I'm just gonna you know stand by the sideline let him be raised by his parents or whatever he became a really cool good friend of the family and like being chill and around them and not trying to like be with Morgan made Morgan go like oh this guy's kind of interesting oh man he became Fableman Seth Rogen yeah I guess I mean it's like

I think of all the things in this show the least believable thing is that there is a woman who exists who is attracted to both Jodie the cop and Glenn Close. So if that person exists and you have a choice between the two, you're going to choose Glenn Close. Women contain multitudes. And not the demon part, that's for sure. No, the demon part without a problem.

When we last left you you were about to start a soccer game against the 12 and 1 the last demon in the 666 hateful hell demons that morgan freeman and glenn close were going to go assassinate just clarify schmagan's kid died schmagan's kid died never learned yeah he does have a name i did name him a while ago and i forgot about because it's brad it's brad yeah brad schmagan's kid died. Schmagan's kid died. We never learned their name. Yeah, he does have a name. I did name him a while ago and I forgot about it because his brother cares. It's Brad. Yeah, Brad Schmagan is now with the Angels because he was baptized.

They murdered him. Yeah, they killed him. They did the Battle of the Bastards thing with Rick and Stark where they had him running him and then slowly started throwing fireballs at him. Taylor looks up and goes like,

dang, I wish it would rain down here. You know what? Let's cut out his dad facts. So that's just a thing he says. Just hang free after a fucking drive. So yes, when we last left you, Normal had kicked the ball

I guess over to the other team. I don't know how soccer works, but I assume everybody I'm very excited to play the soccer game with you then. Do you need to take like four seconds to just read the rules of soccer? I know that you can't use your hands and it has to go in the goal. Yeah, you got it. That's the beauty of soccer. Well, one person can use their hands.

Yeah, one person does. Two people can use their hands. And other people can use their hands. They can't just touch the ball. No, they're tied to their sides. You can use them to balance if you want to. Yeah, the ref uses their hands to raise cards. Speaking of the ref, their hands to raise cars. Speaking of the ref, as the game starts,

you see a flash of fire and a large red creature appears with horns coming out of its head. The Chicago Bulls mascot? No. It's a version of you from another parallel universe on Patreon would have heard before, which is the former Satan. He was just called Satan. And he goes, game on, everybody.

And you do a thing to my voice to make me sound really deep. If you went into his mind, you would see that he was really upset because he wanted to torture people by putting them in entourage episodes forever, but somebody came down, Glenn, and ruined hell, so now he's just a ref for this final game of soccer. Damn.

Damn. What a good squirt. So. Better to ref at hell than score in heaven? I don't know, man. It's up there, right? It's up, yeah. So why doesn't everybody give me initiative rolls?

All right. Okay. Just like real soccer. I rolled a 17. All right. Plus three. 18. Oh, 20.

20, 18 plus two. Oh, yeah. Big rollers. Glenn Close rolls a 15. Taylor Swift rolls a 19. Normal got a one. Ooh. It's okay.

It's okay. So the people that have 20 initiative are Jody, Scary, and Link. So amongst the three of you, decide who goes in what order. What did the soccer boys roll? You'll find out. They're enemies. I don't tell you usually. Can you help us understand the position of everyone? I'm center mid. Scary

is left striker. And Morgan is right striker. Normal and Hermie are soccer guys. Yeah, the defenders. They're gonna play soccer soccer it lets abstract it out yeah if you're near the ball you're near the ball if you're kind of far away from ball you're kind of far away from ball or you're the goalie those are the three zones you can be normal it's not a big deal okay ignoring the actual names like scary and morgan they're gonna try to score i'm like in the middle i'm essentially like i'm the mediator like a third like like you

yeah i'm essentially bringing the ball from the defense to them. So I'm just there to help everybody. And you guys are just there to stop the ball from going in the goal. You're the defenders. I will hold the goal. So we're like the therapist when it's time to set boundaries. Yes, perfect. And Taylor?

Just get the ball to me, okay? Yeah, just get the ball to Scarry. I did already kick the ball, so I think it's over there now. Oh, fuck. That's right, yeah. Do I need to make an athletics roll? Yeah. Okay.

Let's see how far he kicked it. Oh, I got an 11. Okay, so the 12 and one demons are going to roll opposed. They only got a six, so you managed to get control of the ball. I won. I scored a goal. No. Allow me to continue describing. You managed to get control of the ball, but standing between you are the guys who are

near the ball, the guys who are kind of far away from the ball, and the goalie. So you have three gradations of people between you and the ball. But we got three moves first. Yeah. Yes. Let's pull a Bournemouth versus Arsenal. You soccer fans know what I'm talking about. That just happened this week, so don't worry about it.

Look, I know some people will listen to this while guys watch soccer. It's a big deal. Yeah, probably. Let's just try to score right away. Let's just do a quick score. Let's try to score in nine seconds. So we got the three of us. If I go first, I could kick it to you, Beth.

Yeah, how about a solid through ball, huh? Yeah, solid through ball. I'm going to do a solid through ball. Anthony? Yeah, so do it. Roll athletics. Okay, I did it. Roll athletics.

Link, seeing what normal threw down, not thinking it was a mistake, thinking, fuck yeah, this guy's got initiative. This guy knows what's up. Fucking get them on the wrong foot. Run straight to the ball and he's going to kick through ball nice little lob over the defense right into a fucking hole in the defense for scary to run into that's a 20 that's a 16 plus four jesus really yeah okay so yeah good ones at soccer do i roll to time my run uh yeah sure you landed exactly where you wanted to matt right at the at the top of the box. Right in the back of the net.

A natural 20 would be an accidental goal. So I got a nine plus six. That's 15 for my run. I'm going to have them roll against that. God damn it. The 12 and one is not doing so well today. So yeah, you managed to intercept it very quickly. It's just between you and the goalie at this point, essentially.

Okay, can I roll for a six shot? Yeah. This is going to be straight up warm mouth. Told you. All right, 12 plus six, that's 18. Jesus Christ. Okay, so describe how your kick goes and how the ball goes in. The run is perfectly timed.

We're talking right at the back line of defense. As soon as Link's foot touches the ball, she's leaning into that run, bends it right into the front of the goal. And then as the ball is arriving at her feet, she hits it on the volley, does a backflip. One hit. Shit.

Weak foot even. It's with her right foot, no left hand because she's like missing a fucking hand not that it really matters in soccer but it does there's a trail of blood following you everywhere there's a trail of blood she does a back flip two back flips nice and then flips off the goalie when she shoots with the right hand with her remaining hand. Yeah, and then it hits the back of the neck. There's a loud alarm noise and the Satan referee goes, that's

a 1-0 to the... Link pulls off his shirt, getting an instant yellow card as is the rules in soccer. On his chest, he's painted in blood for Brat. Brad? What's his name? Yeah, Brad. For Brat? For Brat. What's his name? Just for Brat. Brad? Brat. No, his name was Brat. Yeah, but you wrote Brat. It says for Brat For Brad. What's his name? Just for Brad. Brad? Brad. His name was Brad.

Yeah, but you wrote Brad. It says for Brad on it. He's pointing. He just takes a yellow. He just walks away from the red. I don't care. Just give me the yellow. Okay, so he gives you the yellow,

which cuts off one of your legs. Oh, my God. I'm going to roll for my celebration. That's a 14. Let's see. I do another backflip. And then I do the T pose that Alex Morgan did in the 2019 World Cup. Even though there are no English people in hell.

They don't have an excessive celebration in football, do they? In soccer? In soccer, yeah. Not really. Specifically, you're not allowed to take your shirt off. Yeah. Why? Because this just takes time.

I don't know. They just said they put the line there. Brandi Chastain went too hard. Yeah, she did it once, and they're like, oh, this is going to be a thing. They put the line there. Oh, I know why. I know why. Why?

Because there's a chance you'll put on and flip it around and look like you're on the other team all of a sudden. You know what I'm saying? You flip that card, and they're like, oh, I got them on this side. Wait a minute. There's one more person. But that's too late. Another goal. So before Link's leg fell off, I feel like he just came back in. It doesn't fall off. Sorry. oh i get them on this side wait a minute there's one more person but that's too late another goal

so before link's leg fell off i feel like he just doesn't fall off sorry but he takes the yellow card and like throws it at you like a fucking throwing star like i just like i'm walking on like my leg disappears essentially how much pain is actually happening a lot he like cut your leg off with the yellow card okay so it's honed in like a red shell to your left leg and jesus so i'm like nodding to scary just like, yeah, good shot. Also like, good pass. You're not acknowledging the pain.

Well, no, as it's happening and then my leg falls off. So like... Oh, I see. Okay, I start screaming and crying. Walk it off, Wayne. Is this real?

Oh my God. No, it's real foul. What? Oh, come on. Okay, Taylor from the goal line. Get it back to center. This is the lay of game. This is the lay of game.

My leg really can't take it off. It's on the ground. It's on the field. You from the goal line. Get it back to center. This is the lay of game. This is the lay of game. Did my leg really take it off? It's on the ground. It's on the field. You can see it. I crawl it down. I just try and put it back on. But this hell, right? These little rules just go back.

I get to the beginning of Saving Private Ryan all of a sudden. Does anybody have that magic spray that inflicts him? Duct tape. Medic? You're a paladin. You have heals. You have little hands. Lay your hands on yourself.

So while Link's crawling to his severed leg, it is now Jody's turn. Quick question, D&D question. Can Link actually reheal his leg with lay on hands? He can heal the stump. To get the leg actually reattached, you'll have to do something harder than that. Oh, actually, you can't lay on hands yourself.

That's outside the scope of that. This is not why you do that yourself. It's religious, because they're religious. They're Catholics. Because fucking Kellogg's made this game, dude. Yeah, you got to fucking chew cereal so you don't masturbate. Earlier, Glenn said he was doing something. Is that actually happening, considering the initiative order and all that stuff?

Yeah, Glenn's about to go right after you. So if you want to hold a thing or do something or plan stuff together with Glenn, feel free. Can you attach my leg? I don't think I can. I'm a 20th level paladin, but I'm an oathbreaker paladin. My skills are not for healing and doing good things, really. He's the king of hell. I'm going to look at Lincoln

and go, oh my, oh shit, that's bad. And just hold my action, waiting to see specifically so that the listener knows I'm waiting to see what Glenn does first. Glenn's turn. All right, Glenn's going to cast Disguise Self. The other day I realized

that all of us have our little things that we do. For Freddy, it's always, and for Will, it's, I don't know. Glenn's going to cast Disguise Self. You make yourself include your clothing, armor, weapons, look different until the spend ends or use action dismiss.

Glenn probably has regenerate. Bards have regenerate in your level 20. I don't give a fuck about that. I love that guy. Glenn does not give a fuck about this strange child you fuck this kind of nephew shirtless child kind of nephew give a fuck all right so uh basically i look like the other team okay i want to look like you don't have to roll or anything or they have to roll like one night itself yeah so if anyone contacts me,

they'll probably figure that out. Okay. That's fun. It's now 13-1. I don't know how many players on our team will know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was your action?

You just look like one of them now? I'm going to look like one of them and then my move was going to be like, because we're resetting because there was a goal score. So there's a little bit of a kickoff reset. I'm going to kind of like sidle back over towards the goalie

and be like, uh, coach said I'm goalie now. All right. You're pretty close to him. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. I'm glad Glenn's continued the tradition of fucking being useless.

34. You already scored, dude. I know, I know. 21. All right. He is going to roll with advantage. All right. With a 17, he goes like, sounds good, man.

And I'm going to roll to see if he slaps you on the shoulder encouragingly as he walks away. Okay. 11. So he does. Wow. Hits you on the back and then your shit turns back into yourself, at least to him. He can tell. But only he can tell.

I think Glenn's going to snap his neck. Like immediately. All right. Roll. can tell but only he can tell i think glenn's gonna snap his neck like immediately all right roll he's gonna grab his hand that touches shoulder swivel him around and then break his own neck with his own arm all right roll opposed to athletics that's uh 23 16 plus 7 20 i know how aaron o'neill felt now uh so yeah you successfully as he's gonna go wait you reach around and grab his arm and make him break his own neck with his own arm and now he's on the ground dead next to you and the other is he in hell he's a he's a demon but he's already dead how does that work you can kill demons live in hell they can be dead you went past the corpses

of 665 other demons that's right so he falls. So, he falls to the ground dead, and all the other members of the team, as they are again reorganizing to get ready for the kickoff, see that there's a dead goalie next to you. And I assume, did you choose one of them exactly to look like? Do you look like the goalie? I look like the goalie, yeah. Okay, so they see a dead goalie

next to a standing goalie, and I'm going to have all of them roll not-dumb-fuck to see if they realize something's amiss. Something's definitely amiss. Can I roll something opposed here? No, you've done enough. Okay, so about half the team realizes that something is wrong,

and they are going to head towards you, and that is your turn. So that's an intelligence chest. Come on, delay of game. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor's seeing that the other team is not kicking off, is going to raise his hand and be like, that's a yellow card, that's a yellow card, delay of game, delay of game. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor's seeing that the other team is not kicking off. He's going to raise his hand. That's a yellow card.

That's a yellow card. Delay of game. Delay of game. Okay. He's going to try and persuade Satan. That's delay of game. Go ahead. Give me a persuasion rule.

Matt, is that the case? Is that a yellow card? What is the penalty? For what? Have you killed a goalie by pretending to be a goalie? No, no, no. If the entire team haven't kicked off yet. They haven't kicked off yet.

Yeah, I guess it'd be delay of game if they were late. It's just weird. Usually the team losing doesn't delay the game. Usually the team that's winning delays the game. I know, but in this case, you know. Roll your persuasion. Six. Six. Okay, I'm gonna have Satan roll opposed. All right, he got a natural 20.

You should be thankful because if he succeeded, he would have been given the yellow card to the goalie, which would have cut off Glenn's leg. Okay, so he goes, No, no, it's fine. Grounds are five seconds. Give it a minute. Come on.

I did my best. Now it is Schmagan and the FBI's turn. They are going to wait. They're going to hold their turn. Because they want to see how this game goes. Because they're waiting for the ball to get kicked off. All right, now it's the demon's turn. Five demons head towards you

while the other six line up for the kickoff. So these five demons know that something is wrong with you and they are going to get really close, and they're all going to roll investigation. It's an intelligence save. It's an intelligence save? Yeah, for this spell. Three of them save.

One of them goes, well! The second one goes, well! And the third one goes, well! And they see through your disguise, and they are going to plant their foot in the dirt and then puff their chest out, and then they're going to go, ref! And they're not going to plant their foot in the dirt and then puff their chest out and then they go ref and they're not going to do anything to you they go ref and the ref trots over and goes whoa what's going on he gets close enough and now he is going to make an advantaged

check so he sees through glenn's charade and he goes no murder how many times do i have to tell you how many times i have to tell you and your girlfriend that there is no murdering allowed on this field? Red card. And he throws a red card and it slices both of your legs off. Glenn is now walking on stunts. So Glenn goes. Fantastic.

All right. The other. We were waiting for something. What do you mean? Freddie, the way we were all staring at what do you mean freddie the way you we're all staring at you you felt like you're gonna say something else no the legs cut off and then it's like in like tower of terror you know what i'm saying when it drops a little bit yeah that was the glenn's feeling and glenn was like ah just like tower of terror all right the six who

lined up to actually kick off the ball they do one of them runs up quick enough to intercept it after they kick it, but then the rest of their roles sucked complete ass. So now they are basically two locations away from your goal. They basically have to get through one layer of you and then the goalie. So they don't manage to make it past your strikers or whatever.

Now it's Morgan's turn. Morgan is going to try to steal the ball. She whiffs it just a little bit and manages to try to slide tackle the demon with the ball, but she goes under, but it looks really cool. She like fucking slides and like kicks a bunch of dirt and she looks like she has agency. And now it is Normal's turn.

Good save. Seeing Link clutching his severed leg on the ground, Normal runs over to him and says, Link, hang on, I got something for you, buddy. And then Normal is going to trip over himself and pull off his pants and over, Link, hang on, I got something for you, buddy. And then Normal is going to trip over himself and pull off his pants. And over his underwear, he reveals that he's been wearing the item of the week.

Yellow card. What? If you can't take off your shirt, you probably can't take off your pants. Your leg gets cut off as well. All right, well, in that case, Anthony, the item of the week is the legs of long leg lengthening.

This is a rare wondrous item submitted by Bradley Branch. When worn, the user is granted the ability to extend their legs up to twice their length.

Great. It does not have to be extended fully. So I'm going to just go ahead and extend my legs from the stump so that I'm still as tall as I was.

There's no knee, there's no joint, and there's no foot at the end, but you do have a fleshy peg leg that now goes down to roughly where your other foot is. Does it hurt? Yeah, it hurts! All right, I go, ow!

Oh my God, I have a missing hand. Look at my feet! Look at my legs, they're right there! Men are such babies. I crawl over to you because he's screaming. Brother! I hold you and I go, normal,

keep your head in the game. And I just, and I push you up. Don't worry about me. Everything you do now while you have those two legs is you're going to have to do an acrobatic check

before animation. Both his legs? I thought just one. Your leg and your flesh peg leg. Oh, okay. Your flesh leg. Okay, so Jimmy, you were pulling your turn this way.

I only lost one leg. Yeah. Yeah, you only lost one leg. You only got yellow cards. What the fuck is happening? Yellow card, you flesh peg leg. Your flesh leg. Okay, so Jimmy, you were holding your turn. So I only lost one leg. Yeah, you only got a yellow card. What the fuck is happening? Yellow card, you lose a leg. Yeah, yellow card, you lose a leg. Red card, you lose both. It's not that complicated. Jimmy, you were holding your turn.

Did you want to do something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I will, now gauging that Glenn has failed and Morgan still has her legs, but missed. But Morgan still has her legs? He's going to walk away slowly for Glenn walk away slowly gamers i hope you understand jody is not trying to kill these demons or win this game he's trying to impress morgan so he's going to swoop on over and pick morgan up as she's doing her cool slide and somehow give her more agency

or take it i don't know one or the other it's definitely more agency that's what you do in his head he's giving her more agency she falls down well he thinks he's helping so he picks her up and puts her back and does one of those like nice and then he's going to move to intercept the ball and help her basically by doing it himself so your action was he's very i'm in character people i'm an actor you're trying to be like tom cruise and rebecca what's her face? Ferguson. You were sharing one gun. That means it's not weird.

Okay, so you managed to get her to her feet. Now you two are flanking the team demon with the ball. Did you say something corny like I used to sweep you off your feet? No, Joey's not cool enough for that. Thanks, Will, but no. He just kind of does like a, as he's doing it, like, I'm not schmegan and his two fbi guys are gonna go now they pick three random demons that are coming to try to support the guy with the ball and they just sort of stand in their fucking faces and like play it like american football because they're fbi agents so they don't know how soccer is played so they just

like keep like fucking chess checking them over again and just trying to prevent them from getting to the guy with the ball so now we go back to the beginning of the initiative again so once again jody link and scary all have tied initiative you can So once again, Jody, Link, and Scary all have tied initiative. You can choose where you'd like to go in. And they have the ball in the air. They have the ball, and they have to get between

your half of the field and the goalie. I'm going to cast Mass Suggestion, which is a six-level spell. Oh, goddammit. You've wanted to use this for so long. Yeah. You suggest a course of activity limited to a sentence or two

and magically influence up to 12 creatures god damn it of your choice they wrote dd the fuck you bro you can see within range and that can hear and understand you creatures that can't be charmed are immune to this effect so they can be charmed okay link doesn't buy it the suggestion must be worded in such a manner as to make the course of action sound reasonable each Each target must make a wisdom saving throw. All right. So I'm going to do 12 wisdom saving throws, assuming you want to do all players and the ref. Yes, I would like to do that.

Why don't you let Scary the woman have the ball? All right. There's one guy with a ball and then five other people running alongside him. Three of those are occupied by the FBI. The person with the ball and three people occupied by the FBI go, whoa. And they put their hands up. They go, we don't want to like be. Yeah, I mean, yeah, of course.

Yeah, we're allies. We're of course. And then the two others with them go like, fuck that. No, no. What? No. But the one with the ball stops kicking the ball and then goes after you, after you, ma'am. Oh, thank you.

stops kicking the ball and then goes after after you man oh thank you and then one of the guys on defense goes like women have so many privileges in this society that nobody ever talks about they have hot privilege um and then that's one guy and the other four like whoa dude calm down we didn't know that and the ref is like yeah that's problematic so basically everybody except for three people, were convinced by this mass suggestion that you should have the ball. But those three were able to see through the woke mind virus.

Those three red-killed heroes. Hey, we should start a podcast just talking about what's on our mind. How long does the suggestion last for? It lasts for... The rest of their lives. 24 hours. But the spell ends when the subject finishes what it was asked to do. suggestion last for it lasts for the rest of their life 24 hours but

the spell ends when the subject finishes what it was asked to do so once scary gets the ball they will be satisfied okay well I mean you got the ball you stop the score so you cast that as your

action I assume you're gonna move up to the ball yep with your move all right so you were right next to the ball very easily could be under your control now Jimmy or Matt it is your

turn i'm gonna crawl to taylor okay you're like sorry bro i need i there we go i need that i need that candy cane back i'm gonna rip the candy cane out of his neck and just like put his head on and then i'm gonna impale the sharp end of the candy cane like into my stomach so now i got like a candy cane so where is taylor's head now sitting top of, uh, it's just like balancing awkwardly on the top of Dean. You know what? I could have sworn this was going in an RRR. You're going to have to carry me. No,

he needs, he needs to go. You know what? I break the candy cane in half cause I don't need the full length of it for my stump. So I break the candy cane in half. So now his head is finally like placed right on top. Cause before it was like a weird,

like fucking like long neck monster. Okay. Yeah. So now I got a candy cane. So you have a candy cane peg leg. Go ahead and roll a constitution to try to not pass out from the pain of doing that. Because it's peppermint.

Peppermint stings when you put it on wounds. I got a two minus one. Oh, God. So yeah, you don't even get it in by the time you pass out. The second the peppermint touches your bloody fresh stump. It's going to be pretty spicy. I stare at the other team.

I go, this candy's not going to be so sweet. And I stab him to my leg and I instantly just pass out in front of Taylor. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, what a bucko. Man down.

All right, Jody, it's your turn. I'm right next to Morgan and we are close to the ball with Scary, right? Yes. The three of you are equidistant from the ball. Okay.

Glenn, shoot it. My plan is to, now that everyone is going to switch their attention right back to, oh no, we shouldn't have done that. I'm assuming. Once Scary gets control of the ball, yes. I'm going to use my charisma and I'm going to, in a deep, booming voice,

shout at everyone that is currently on Scary's side to add an additional idea to her math suggestion, which is, once she gets the ball, you're going to do everything you can to not take it back. Darn Don Bardo, the SNL guy? Yeah, yeah. And I'm going, I'm an ally! Scary Marlowe!

Special musical guest cheating at D&D! I'm going to start chanting ally because I heard someone else saying, that's a great word. Ally. So the eight people that are on Scary's team are all going to try to save against that. You're casting chanting ally because i heard someone else saying like that's a great word all right ally so the eight people that are on scary's team are all going to try to save against that you're casting mass suggestion as well like the same thing no no i'm just yelling oh you're just using yeah now that they're in a state of mass suggestion i'm going to try and addendum well in that case you

make a roll with disadvantage about persuasion roll disadvantage with disadvantage okay 16 on the first one uh 26 on the second one. All right, we'll take the 16. One person goes, okay. Another one goes, okay. Third one goes, okay. The fourth one goes, ah. Fourth one goes, no. And he got a natural 20. He's like, and I hate women now.

Fifth one says, no. Sixth one says, no. Seventh one says, no. And the eighth one says says no. Sixth one says no. Seventh one says no. And the eighth one says no. So you got about half of them. So about four people are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that Scary does not lose the ball. But the other four just want Scary to get the ball

and then they'll go back to normal. Now, can I tell who was convinced and who's not? Yeah. Okay, and I still have some movement, I'm assuming. Yeah. Okay, so for the rest of my action, I'm going to fly towards anyone that was not convinced and use my big old bat wings and shove them out of the way.

Just be a body block for them. I'm here to support my girl, Scary, and I look over and I'm like, Scary, you got this, you're the best. And Scary, like, I don't know, I think you see a lightness in Scary for the first time in a long time. She's having a good time.

That's great. As Scary says that, you see in this fiery stands of the football field, you see a portal open, and Nick Close steps out with no arms and looks at the scene with a lot of confusion. Welcome to the party, pal. You're perfect for soccer.

He has no arms. He sees that his weird kind of uncle has no legs. And that his son has no body. His son has no body. Yeah. There's a kid with a candy cane leg. He was out he's just like oh my god if we put all the severed limbs together that's when we bring in elise we're like you are the homunculus you are frankenstein he sits down and if he had arms he would like put his hand on his chin as he watches his son play soccer for the first time and in that moment, Scarry, it occurs to you

that it's just another time that you've seen somebody else's father in the stands watching them play soccer while yours was absent. Glenn, it is your turn. Just casually. So Glenn's going to look down the field, see the ball coming up. He's going to look around at the rest of the team from

a lower vantage point from about crotch height for everybody and think hey that's scary you got a pretty good idea hey everybody and glenn's gonna cast a ninth level mass against you uh 12 creatures of my choice and i'm gonna go i'm gonna go hey isn't soccer kind of dumb you should all touch the ball with 12 creatures of my choice. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, Hey, isn't soccer kind of dumb?

You should all touch the ball with your hands. We should all just pick up the ball. Be way better. Deliberately touch the ball with your hands in an effort to stop a goal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Deliberately. Sorry. Yeah. Thank you. Deliberately touch the ball with your hands. Like if there's just at all times, just go up and let's pick up the ball with your hands. Just at all times. Just go up and let's pick up the ball.

That's a wisdom save of 19. 19? Yeah. I'm giving them advantage because they're already being suggested at. That's how that works. There were 11 people, because I'm assuming that Brett does not need to care about touching the ball with his hands. He gives himself a red card. Ritual red card.

Seven of the 11 actually managed to save with advantage card. Yeah. Ritual red card. Seven of the 11 actually managed to save with advantage rolls. Wow. But four of them are like, I got a such a fucking ball. Oh, I got a such a ball. Does this go directly

also against give the ball to scary? So they're like dealing with both suggestions simultaneously. Yeah, they are torn in two directions. They're a child's two worlds

like Blade and they can't quite determine whether they want to touch it more or make sure the scary gets them more. Or maybe pick it up and give it to scary. Synthesis. Henry Clay over here compromising.

All right. All these highbrow jokes on this. Now it is Taylor's turn. Link! I'm going to just start smacking him Now it is highbrow jokes on this fight. Now it is Taylor's turn. Oh, Link! Link! I'm going to just start smacking him with the teeny body. Okay, roll medicine.

Link! Link! We're playing the game. Come on, Link! Link! I smack him really hard over and over again for a three roll. So you manage to somehow actually damage him a little bit with your felt hand, but he does not awaken. In which case, I'm going drag his body to like cover one part of the goal like horizontally

i'd be like just a little bit of cover on the right flank there that's great all right the difficulty for them to make a goal is now one higher because his body is blocking man and they always say center mids never go back to defend schmagan and the FBI are going to like put their hands up and move back because the two guys

they were guarding are like, we got to touch that ball. Whereas Schmeggin is going to try to roll a saving throw against his anger. He failed.

So he's going to pull out his gat and he is going to aim at the one that shot at his son and killed his son and he is going to start blasting and every single one of his bullets misses oh is he doing it like in point break where he's like on the ground he's shooting in the air

like he's not shooting in the air he should get the guy but he's doing a 90 degree rotated point break it's called missing 90 degree point break he's angrily missing so the ref sees this sees that he's missed the other soccer player and yellow cards cards him, and cuts off one of his legs. And he goes, there'll be more of that if you keep shooting. And meanwhile, he's sitting there, like, fucking reloading. He's like, I'm going to keep doing it. Doesn't matter. It's like attempted murder.

If he hit him, it would have been a red card, right? Yeah, it would have been a red card, absolutely. Come on, ref. What are you, blind? Let him play. Let him play. Let him play. All right, so it's the demon's turn.

So four of them are going to rush forward and try to touch the ball. Let them grab the ball, ladies. So two of the four that desperately want to touch the ball manage to run, and they get there at the same moment, and both of their hands touch the ball before Scary can touch it. Me cute. Yeah, and their fingers touch, and they kind of stop, and they look at each other, and they're like, oh.

Well, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well. And in that moment, two red cards sizzle through and cut both of their fucking legs off. Oh my God. I love that handball is a red card. That's how it should be. Is it just a yellow card in real life?

It's no cards. It's just a penalty. No, no, no. It's a red card. It was a deliberate handball to stop a goal. That's why. Yeah. They both got red carded.

So now two of the, I'm just going to take them out of the initiative. They're going to hold hands and sort of like push themselves off the field and sort of think about their feelings. I hope those two crazy kids can make it work. Like sea otters who hold their hands. Yeah.

Do you know what that's called? What's it called? A raft. A raft of otters. That's very cute. Yeah. Okay, so the other two that just wanted Scary to have the ball,

actually it's not just two of them, it's like six of them, are going to run up and try to create a human shield around Scary, like just a circle encircling Scary to make sure that no one can touch the ball other than Scary. I've knocked a few of them off to the side, right?

Yes. A couple of them are off to the side, and then the three remaining ones, the only ones who still have clear heads, didn't want to touch the ball with their hands, and didn't want Scary to have the ball, are going to sigh at the same time, and then three voices go,

well, well, well, I wanted to do this with more people but I guess it's not a bad idea to start now assemble and the three of them grab hands like the fucking fusion dance from Dragonball and they kind of rotate onto their side and start like rotating like

a fucking satellite just like a tunnel of three people with their hands intertwined define the laws of gravity and they're going to start spinning spinning spinning and the wind it's gonna start picking up And you feel the winds pushing you towards the tornado of people to way weaker That would be because I was to have 11 people doing it not three so are they one unit now Are they still three so three are one unit? I see they're not like physically like if you hit them with a bomb

They would you know fall off into three different people that all had sentience and stuff fucking they are eight I hate this mechanic and boss fights. fights okay hold the joystick away from the boss all right why don't you stop playing for a moment while i hold back on the controller i literally just finished playing metroid prime 3 and that mechanic is in oh yeah we're gonna shoot the guys and make them go into the thing a cyclone is being formed in front of you and a circle of people are around you and now it it is Morgan's turn. And she is going to, I guess she's just going to hold her turn

because everything's going pretty well right now. Do we not have any goals until someone wins? Oh, we've lost a lot of limbs. Oh yeah, you guys have lost a lot of limbs and she doesn't know you. What class is Morgan? Morgan is a ranger. She's a limb restorer?

Ranger! She's a ranger. Bard Glenn has a regeneration. Oh, he does. She's seen the cyclone happen before because she's fought these guys before. So she's going to try to stop it and she is going to basically try to do

a really rowdy slide tackle to dislodge them from each other. She gets a three because she's so busy thinking about all the other things she has going on in her life. And she can't have it all. But in this one instance, she does miss. Now it is normal's turn.

Give me the state of the team. Who has limbs? Glenn has no legs. Scary only has one hand. I'm missing a hand. Taylor is totally fine. Just his head. He's connected to a body. Did Nick bring his body back? No. Nick's just there with no arms. Nick's sitting there

with no arms, just watching you in the stands. Link has one leg and it's passed out. And a couple of the demons got both their legs chopped off. So we're looking pretty banged up right now. Yes, you're looking pretty banged up, they're looking pretty banged up. I turn to the only person on the field, on our side, that can help us. If only

there was some way for them to help us. And I'm talking about Brad Schmeggin. Schmeggin's dead kid. Who I crawl over to and cast Revivify! You touch a creature that has died within the last minute. That creature returns to life with one hit point. The spell cannot return to life.

A creature that has died of old age, nor can it restore any missing body parts. Okay. So he goes, I was in heaven! Oh my God! I was in heaven! He's having tea with Jesus.

He literally just does the entire Buffy musical. Yeah, Buffy thing. And he's just fucking miserable. He's looking at his hands and he goes, why did you do this to me? You gotta help us win this soccer game. Look, Schmigget. I didn't have to do anything.

You're Schmigget, your son's alive again. He's back. I brought him back. Is that better? So Schmigget turns and sees his son's alive. He goes, now we can stop playing soccer. Oh, Schmigget. My boy, Brad, come to me.

And he's like crawling towards him. He's like, you mean nothing to me now, father. I've met my father and he is in heaven. So, yes, I'm going to add Brad into the. Hey folks, if you're wondering why Normal didn't do this with Tony Pepperoni a couple episodes. Because I did not know this spell existed. But we'll say in canon, like, you know, Willie stopped him from stopped him from doing it right something like that he kept you there for a minute straight while he bled out you just had to stare at him and it really fucked with you all right so

Brad Schmagan is now in the initiative you have revived him he's furious someone's got another mass suggestion we can fix that up right now we're like being alive now we're back at the top of the initiative so again Jimmy Matt, whatever order you would like. I have the ball. Let's see. I should do a pretty sick trick. So the second you get the ball, four of the circle of people who are defending you go,

oh, she's got the ball. Hey, wait a second. What the fuck? And they are now offensive to you. But the other four are like, no, she's just defending the ball. Feminism's gone far enough. A woman has the ball now. Things are equal.

You should be thankful for that. Scary looks to the sidelines where there's nobody that she recognizes. And then she looks at Link and she's like, Link, get your head in the game, man. Snap up. And I look straight. Who's the first person I see? Taylor.

What's the score? Ah, what? I shake my head I stand up I see you, scary Alright I'm thinking a one, two You better give it back

to me though You're all the way at the other end of the field though With one leg Fucking run so fast First of all I got 30 feet

I'm faster than everybody else So 15 with one leg Yeah, but you have one leg You could hop I got a candy cane leg Oh, I'm sorry I don't know how to tell you that The way I described you have one leg. You could hop at... I got a candy cane leg. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how to tell you that.

The way I described it to you is that you began to put it in and then you passed out. You're going to have to try again to jam it in and make it a proper leg. I will allow you to do that as a free action. I put the candy cane on the ground and then I just stomp my stump

onto the top of the candy cane. Oh my God. Roll constitution with advantage because that's so horrifying. You guys realize that people with prosthetics don't impale themselves on the prosthetic. Yeah, but they're not using a sharp candy cane. It's a candy cane.

How is it going to be attached to my thing? I'm stabbing it in two. Just use a rope or something. So I'm fucking doing mine cool. Taylor goes, you know, Link, you could flip that 180 and then just like kind of lick it and like stick it in the stomach. 16. Okay, so the 16, the candy cane goes into your stump. Everything goes black for a second.

You are in excruciating pain, but you managed to stay with us, and you can basically do your turn. I turn the candy cane so that it's like, it's not like the curve of the candy cane is like pointing forward, it's like pointing to the right, so I got like a hockey stick, you know, like on my foot. Just making sure. Yeah.

Just to describe when I'm going to kick the ball. And I start running across the field. Yeah. I feed him the first part of the one, two. Fuck. That's a six. I guess I'm so like in love with having the ball at my feet that I'm just actually like, no, I can take this.

Just like tears, tears of pain in my eye. That's great. Okay. Well, just shoot then. Just shoot if you're not going to give it to me. You tried to pass it, so you got the ball, and you just hesitate for a second, I think. Scary's got the ball.

Matt, Jimmy, it is one of your turns. I feel like Matt getting up was basically free. Can you explain the cyclone thing a little bit more? What happened when Morgan failed to disrupt it, and will it inevitably stop Scary? Why don't you ask Morgan in character, and I'm going to have Morgan tell you in character. Wow, that's amazing. Thank you, Anthony. What a blessing. Thou art in heaven.

Jody's gonna look at Morgan and go what happened? What's going on? You've seen this before. It's a ball cannon. They're gonna suck the ball in and then shoot it back at the goal with incredible force and it'll fucking, that's how they won last time. They just keep doing that over and over and over again and we can't stop them. How long, is there a certain score point where this game ends? Are there any other rules that we should know about before we keep going? Yeah, it ends at three.

Three? Okay, cool. Maybe sooner. Do they do this every single time? Can we stop them? How do you stop them? How did you stop them? I don't know. We didn't stop them. That's why we haven't beaten these guys yet. You never listen. God, you never listen, dude. God, you never listen. What? You know who also listens to me? Glenn. I heard everything, babe. He doesn't process it properly. He can't, like,

fully understand, but he's trying. Babe, I'm doing my best. You're doing your best, and that's all I can ask, babe. He doesn't process it properly. He can't fully understand, but he's trying. Babe, I'm doing my best. You're doing your best, and that's all I can ask of you. Thank you. Love you. I appreciate it. We'll get your legs back. That's okay.

Thank you so much, though. You're such a joy in my life. Oh, you're a joy in mine. It's incredible. Jody, you were a joy in mine. So Jody is... I didn't hear that part, but I agree. Jody's going to let out a deep deep bell of bestial angry scream he's

gonna jump up with his wings he's gonna land very close to the dread cyclone and i'm gonna cast dread lord out of my gloom so i surround myself as an action an aura of gloom that lasts for one minute and reduces any light around me and also anyone that's frightened by its turn in the aura they take 4d10 psychic damage try having a lifetime of an aura of gloom so they what roll a saving throw to see if they get frightened or not whatever name that's frightened by you so whatever that decider is it takes 4d10 when it starts their turn and then any creatures of my choosing in the aura draped in deeper shadow and they have disadvantage on anyone in the shadow and then i can also use a bonus action while the aura draped in deeper shadow and they have disadvantage on anyone in the shadow. And then I can also use a bonus action while the aura lasts

to make the shadows in the aura to attack the creatures in there, or one of them. Oh, Jesus, okay. Yeah, so they take necrotic damage.

So currently, they are at disadvantage. But my reason for doing so as a character is I am so sick and tired of hearing these two just say sweet nothings

to each other that I'm going to cast all of my male depression into this single aura and surround this area so hard. That's great. So is it also like a shadowy, like nobody can see into it now?

It's an aura of gloom and reduces bright light in the 30 foot radius around me to dim light. So people can, it's kind of like we're in shadows basically. Cool. That's great. Yeah. They are now surrounded by these shadows that are sort of clawing at,

you can decide if you want to make them attack with your bonus action, but basically they are going to have a disadvantage for the accuracy of their suck in and blow out are they still spinning around they are still spinning around but they're going to basically be at the disadvantage yeah all right so i'm going to use the bonus action on my turn then to have the shadows attack them okay and it's a melee attack against just one of them so i can't do any more than one okay so uh one of them gets melee attacked go ahead and roll a melee attack for them i guess okay does this mean satan going to try to cut your feet off, though? The shadows are doing it, not me.

No, no, no. Just do your move. Just do your thing. All right, all right, all right. 25. Okay, so one of the shadows just fucking smacks one of the soccer players really hard as he goes by and opens a big gash on his chest. And the ref goes,

No attacking the players! And he throws a red card at you and slices two of your legs off as well. And now you have landed very close to Glenn. Just two bros just bleeding out right next to each other with no legs between you. Even though it was a shadow doing it, not me. He saw you cast the shadow. You didn't, like, make a secret out of it. Bro, you're trying to get a technicality off on the ref, bro.

Man, fuck off! This is you. This is so like you, trying to get a technicality off for all your actions, always looking for excuses. Yeah, only you. For someone else to blame. You know what? You point a finger at something, you got three fingers back at you. Now it is your turn, Glenn, incidentally.

Jody is speechless. Yeah, that's right. That's right. This is your problem, man. It's always been your fucking problem, man. I'm just gonna get my... Regenerate, casting regenerate on my own legs. By the way, if I hold my severed legs to myself, they just immediately reattach. I go...

And I do a kip up. Okay. 13 plus 7, 20. I do a fucking perfect kip up. Oh, my God. You do right in front of Jody. It's a one-minute casting time. Oh, is it?

Okay, I guess I'm down there, and I'm just like... Yeah, yeah, we're shit-talking, and you're just trying to put your legs back on the whole time. I'm just holding your legs. I'm just holding my leg and just like wiggling my fingers on like you're seeing like a little light slowly go around the circumference of your legs like a fucking loading bar sealing your legs to your thighs just amending my legs on but anyway that's your problem man so you guys like just fucking chill out and stop going after me man she just made her choice and in 10 turns you will

have managed to get your legs together because each turn is six seconds and it takes a minute. Scoot out of the way of the goal, you fucking idiot. I think Jody, in the childish manner, is going to try, while he's doing this,

grab Glenn's and try to have him solder his own legs on as like a pull-up. Oh, you're going to grab my other leg? Yeah, I'm going to grab your other leg or your hand to try and make you start doing my leg. Hey, hey, hey, hold this here. It's just like super glue. You gotta hold it. Oh, you're going to grab my other leg? Yeah, I'm going to grab your other leg or your hand to try and make you start doing Hey, hey, hey, hold this here.

It's just like super glue. You got to hold it. It's just like super glue. You're holding his feet. His feet are on your stumps. And his knees are on his stumps. Yeah, because you think he cast the spell on the feet and not on his stumps.

So go ahead and roll a pose. You guys are going to be like cat dog. Hey, what are you doing, man? Don't touch my legs. What are you doing? I'm not going to let go. What are you doing, man? Don't touch my legs. What are you doing? I'm not going to let go. What are you doing, dude? Every turn, it should be Jody has to roll to hold on.

And Jody can hold on for the 10 turns. He gets to scratch his legs too. Yeah, yeah. So I'm attaching the stumps to my stumps. But then Jody's trying to attach my feet. Your spiked cleats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've probably ripped off my shoes

and, like, are jamming the toes into your stumps. Yeah, basically. I just, I refuse to allow him to get it before I do. Okay, so each of you roll your dexterity opposed. Okay, I rolled a... What are you doing? What are you doing? Screw you! I want legs too! These are my legs!

If it doesn't disconnect from either of you, you're just gonna be one fucking sentient creature with a leg combining you. 13 plus 3, 16. 19 plus 3, 22. Alright, those toes are still going inside of his stump. Hey, what the fuck, man? Those are my toes. Don't put them that way.

It's gonna feel gross. I can start feeling a little bit. It feels all wet and gross, dude. I'm the king of hell. I do whatever I want. These are my hell toes. You came here. These are my legs. Your legs are over there. You can see your legs right now. I'm gonna take your legs. You know what? Fuck your legs. And I'm gonna cast... It's not your turn.

It's not your turn. This is just happening, I think, as the rest of this turn happens. Can I just run? Link is just looking at all the limbs on the floor. These fucking two grown men fighting over a pair of legs on the floor and he's just exhausted.

And where did Taylor have the pick? Glenn had the pick. Glenn, yeah. Where did Glenn have the pick? He had it in his crotch. In his crotch pocket. His little crotch pocket

for his pick. Yeah. So I'm going to stamp down on Glenn's chest and just pull the pick out. I'm just going to grab the pick. Hey, kid, what are you doing? You're like, you can roll slowly, but you're like...

Glenn is going to roll with disadvantage. You're going to roll a posed sleight of hand. You have disadvantage, and I feel like Link has advantage. It's 13 plus 6, 19, dude. He's going to smack your little hand away. With disadvantage? With disadvantage, bro. I roll a 17. Natural 20! Alright. So you pull out the pick from What disadvantage, bro? I rolled a 17. 23. Natural 20. All right.

So you pull out the pick from his crotch pocket before Glenn can even manage to slap a hand down on his... Hey, what the fuck? This game's dumb. All this is fucking dumb. What are we even doing? Here, guys. I got the pick.

I don't care if you kill a demon or what. You're not going to help us. Nobody helps us. Guys, here. And I toss it to normal. I don't know what you're supposed to do with it, but we got it. Fuck this game.

All right. Let's say you begin to toss it to normal, and it'll freeze in midair, and then we'll do turns and stuff. And the pick's like, you probably wonder, I guess, what the hell I got here. Crazy situation. All right, so Taylor.

Are we supposed to destroy it? Yeah. When it gets to normal's turn, you will understand more about the act of destroying it. Okay, okay, yeah. I won't just eat it then. It's Taylor's turn. I guess Link's just leaving me here.

Lone wolf. Are you blaming me? No, no. Link's leaving you here? me five times and then watch them get up and leave i'm i'm abandoned now once again once again i am left here lone wolf holding down the fort as it were i'm gonna cast spike growth which is taylor is going to like just spread out all of his caltrops around the gold box in the Mid like area just like set a trap. So when kids the ball does come here, that's great We'll get injured by

You being bored? Yeah, it's just me seeing the Evangelion Now Schmagan and the two FBI agents go Schmagan just crawls towards his son and embraces him again. He's so fucking happy. And his son just has a dead look in his eyes. This hug means nothing to him. He like tries to reach for his dad's gun and his dad goes, no, no, no. And he puts it in his holster. And the other two FBI guys are like, so do we, we keep playing or?

And Schmagan's like, yes, we still need control of hell. Do it. So those two are going to, again, just stay on their two guys. Now it's the demon's turn. Four stay on their two guys now it's the demon's turn four of them are going to try to get the ball from scary and they fail because the other four managed to block them so scary still has the ball the three inside the cyclone contraption are going to with disadvantage try to suck the ball into their thing and they succeed twice so the ball gets pulled away from scary towards their side of the field now it is on their half of the field nobody has control of it yet but is nearest to that dark cloud of men

and i can't roll to like maintain it actually yeah why not 14 plus six oh shit okay never mind yeah it begins to get away from you and then you keep it right where it fucking is it's morgan's turn morgan is gonna run over to her two lovers and be like, this is not on me to fix. I'm just going to say that. I care about both of you. You should be more adult than this. Babe, but these are my legs.

On this, I'm on your side. You should let him have his own legs. You have your legs. Yeah, you hear that, Jody? I'm going to see Morgan and go, oh, hey, how's it going? I'm going to attempt to cross my legs. Hey, what's up? It makes a ripping noise because you noise you start fucking up you crossing your legs causes me to flip upside down

on my side right that's like flipping me over yeah now i'm face down and then you've crossed your legs like hey how's it going i see how i helped you back there i'm such an ally right you've always been a good ally that's why I've told you I'd like us to continue to be friends. With cool other parts of friendship, like marrying me again. All right, we cut to

Brad Schmagen. It's his turn now. He's just going to sink down onto the ground and just like turn so his back's on the ground and just look up toward the other hells

and just whisper to himself like, I was in heaven. I was in everything. There's colors you've never even imagined. And the worst thing is I know that that if i kill myself i don't go back because that's a fatal sin so i just have to wait now i just have to live my life and wait his dad's like you'll wait with me and he goes that doesn't help uh so now it is normal's turn so normal you see the pick in the air and you are filled with a knowledge now that the pick is in front of you and invisible that,

A, you're reminded that the color of this pick is blue, that it is imbued with the power of love. And you can see within the pick itself that there's actually more than one way to remove an anchor. You can remove it with violence, or you can remove it with empathy. And you can tell that if you remove it with violence, it will make the doodlers anger and power stronger. And if you remove it with empathy, it will make the doodlers anger and power a little bit weaker and make it more likely to let go of the world. And you know, in this moment that when Tony Pepperoni was killed, it was with violence. So I'm just going to tell you straight up mechanically, when this happens, there's gonna be four anchors. And once you're

done with them, I'm just going to roll a d4 and depending on whether they've been killed with hate or with empathy that's going to determine what the doodler does so right now there's a one in four chance that it's going to be hate so you now can take your turn knowing what you know about the pick and also willie would have told this to scary i'm going to grab the pick okay go ahead and make a uh sleight of hand athletics, acrobatics, whatever you like. You're trying to grab it out of the air all cool. I guess that's athletics is like catching a ball, right? Yeah, why not? That's a three.

So it just falls to the ground in front of you and you miss it. And that's a boring turn, so I don't think that should be your whole turn. I think you just pick it up. You just pick it up. You try to pick it up cool out of the air, it falls, and then you pick it up from the ground.

Everybody laughs at you. A bunch of people see it and they're like, classic normal. Way to go, Butterfingers. I look at it and... Taylor from all the way across the world,

normal, you suck! Yeah, even Jody stops and goes like, oh, come on, man. That's fair. I love you, pick, and I smooch it. No, don't do that.

You gotta destroy it. I just smooched it, though. So does it... What happens and I smooch it. No, don't do that. You gotta destroy it. I just smooched it, though. So does it, what happens? I stop kissing my picks. Roll with disadvantage. Roll persuasion with disadvantage. What the fuck, kid? Gross, you can have it, I guess.

Fucking weird. I got 10. So with a 10, you can tell that the pick does not believe your I love you. That it is purely token words. In order to break it, you're going to need to convey to it

or share with it some sort of real genuine moment of empathy or breakthrough or something along those lines. Like the pick has to be present for some real moment of like something.

Between anyone, not necessarily normal, right? Yeah, it just needs to be in there. It needs to feel the love. I see. We got to hold on to this pick until someone says something nice to someone else in a way that they mean it.

Something really, yeah. Something really interesting. Some real earnest growth stuff, okay? So I'm done growing because I'm okay with that. My dad's not proud of me, kind of. But you guys got some growth to do, so someone do some growing with this pick.

We'll get to it. Yeah, because it is the pick of love, because it includes love, the thing that will allow it to gently be dissipated will be an act of love so that is your turn and now it is once again jimmy matt beth's turns and now you all see where the pick is do we care about this game anymore you don't have to you're one one up we care yeah glenn cares glenn and jody and morgan definitely care yeah but killing the demon means nothing to us right at least since we have the pick also taylor's really taking his being goalie seriously too.

He's doing that thing where he's got his arms out and checking the distance between the goalposts and shit. And where is the ball right now? The ball is in Scary's control. And is she midfield, getting close? Scary looks at the goal

and then back at the pick and back at the goal and at the ball at her feet and then she's going to leave the ball and go for the pick. Okay. So I feel like you can just make it there with your move.

Cool. It's in Normal's hands. What are you going to do? I'm just going to try to kick it out of his hands. Now that we're clearly against each other in this moment, and we both had a 20-odd initiative, can I roll to essentially... Yeah, sure.

Both of you roll opposed. Dexterity or something. You're both going to run for the same time. We're going to see who gets there first. I give you the dexterity that looks like don't do it. Like, you know, like an actual like, what are you doing? Don't run for it. Matt probably also has some kind of disadvantage because he's got a peg leg, right? I've already shown him fucking fast. I'm going to minus some because

if you're getting used to this leg still. Okay, well, that's fair enough. I got a one. You know what? A natural one. One plus four. Okay. I got a 15. Okay, great. You fall flat on your fucking face, Link.

And you look up and you see whatever Scary's about to do. So you can try to kick it out of his hand. Scary, stop. Scary, no. Come on. Normal, why don't you give me a sleight of hand roll and you're going to oppose that scary with your athletics or athletics. Can I do something in lieu of sleight of hand?

What would you like to do? Yo, I'm just going to throw it to Link. All right, so you're going to roll for that. Oh, I got a natural 20. Jesus. All right, Scary, you can roll to kick it out of his hand. An 11 plus two. Okay, so normally you manage to toss it to Link,

and it lands right in front of Link, who's on the ground. That's Scary's turn. Now, Jody and Link, it can be your turn. Jody, what were you planning on doing? I'm attached to Glenn on the other side of the field. I do not... He needs to wait nine more turns. I do not care about this pick.

I do not care about anything you kids are doing. I literally brought you all down here so you could beat this game for me. Okay, so I have the pick. I'm just going to hold it really tight. I'm going to go look at Scary and be like, Scary, what are you even doing? You've got to destroy it.

We can't. You just heard. The doodler is going to make the world worse. It's going to kill. We've just got to find something. You don't know that. I mean, you don't know it's not that way. We can find another way to destroy it.

No, Willy said that it's easier to control if we destroy the anchors. Yeah, basically, Willy probably would have conveyed it to Scary as if you use empathy on it that's going to make it more likely to want to stick around and it's going to make it harder to control because it's going to have more agency if you keep it angry then it's going to be confused and you're going to have an easier time getting rid of it or controlling it which is what he wants well we're not going to do it that way okay come on like it's like every song is like the easy way is usually the bad way right sometimes the better thing's harder this is easier

what you're just gonna tell the pig oh i love you i'm so nice to you and it's just gonna give you all the secrets that's not how life works well is that how this works though can i i love you i already tried that okay well like you're right it's gonna be hard but i know it's not a person but it's just like i don't want more people to die we've already killed enough people like can you just do one thing with us and just try to find a way to make this? The doodler is going to kill more people. You're not seeing the big picture. So.

What? No. Don't listen to her. Come on. Listen to me. I snapped the pic. Oh. Whoa.

All our days whisked away. But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Bye. And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry provides additional community support. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

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We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, brave where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I gotta come back again?

I was hoping to die this episode, man. We can do that. You want to do a little post-credits scene? Glenn takes his gun and puts it right to your temple, dude. And he fucking goes like, I'll see you in hell. Oh, man. We can do that. You want to do a little post-cred scene? Glenn takes his gun and puts it right to your temple, dude. And he fucking goes like, I'll see you in hell. Oh, man. Which is his way of saying,

I'll see you back. I'll see you back. And then Brad tries to jump in front of the bullets.