Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 30 - Mrs. Swallows Oak Garcia’s Home for Peculiar Teenagers

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

The teens recover from their epic showdown in HELL!This episode contains Profanity, Violence and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dung...eonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Jodie Foster is Jimmy Wong (@jfwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to the wide underworld of sports, brought to you by Gluttony, where Tantalus Tuesdays are back. Slide on down to the third circle today for a bottomless bounty of fruit and wine that shall ever remain just out of reach. Ooh, sounds frustrating! Now on to the action.
Starting point is 00:00:25 It was an all-out soccer slugfest in mega hell today as the 12-in-1 took on a ragtag team of teens, feds, and demonic royalty. Head ref Lucifer the Morning Star was handing out red cards like it was Valentine's Day. But one player who escaped his attention, and everyone else's, was prodigal prince of hell Hermie the Unworthy. In play after play, Hermie was left high and dry by his attention, and everyone else's, was prodigal prince of hell, Hermie the Unworthy. In play after play, Hermie was left high and dry by his teammates, who seemed to forget he was even there. Let's check out the highlights.
Starting point is 00:00:54 Marlowe struggles to find opening. Hermie the Unworthy is wide open. Wait, no, she shoots. It's good. It's a goal. Looks like it's all up to me, per usual. Another incredible save by Hermie. This kid's a wall.
Starting point is 00:01:08 What's that down there? Looks like goalie Taylor Swift is dragging an unconscious Lincoln Lee Wilson back to the penalty box. That's the exact same spot where Hermie's already covering. There. Finally, I'll get some defense back here. Normal Oak Garcia crawling towards Hermie the Unworthy. Looks like the team clerk might throw a spoiler too. Wait a moment. He crawls right past his teammate. What is he doing?
Starting point is 00:01:26 He goes straight to the dead body of teammate Brad Schmecken and tears him from the celestial embrace of the Almighty Father. Come on, Schmecken, you're our only hope! Ace reporter Amelia Earhart is down on the field for a post-game interview with Hermie the Unworthy. Amelia. Do you guys remember who we wanted to talk to? Yes, it's me, Hermie, here for the interview. Was it Jody?
Starting point is 00:01:46 It was Jody, right? I'm literally standing right here. I'm waving to the camera right now. Somebody notice me! I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank. But you know what they say, if you don't remember, it probably wasn't important. Up next, more NFL stars are turning to Christ on their deathbeds. What does that
Starting point is 00:02:02 mean for the upcoming Hell vs. Heaven Pro Bowl? Find out after this. Welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. Actually, it's a D&D podcast. It's about four teens
Starting point is 00:02:20 from our world going through some strife as they try and figure out how to save our world from another world. Whatever, man. You're right. Whatever. I love this.
Starting point is 00:02:31 I do right now, man. I love that the season started as a Monster of the Week thing and has just turned into a JRPG where four teenagers have to kill God. I think that's beautiful and brave. That actually turned me around in this whole season. I like this season. Yeah. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:02:47 Jimmy, how about you shut up during my intro? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Spicy. Jimmy's with us once again. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll.
Starting point is 00:02:59 No, I'm not. I'm the icy cool. God damn it. God damn it. Zany Ranger team. Yes, right. Z zany we're adding adjectives until one of them sticks uh this week's teen fact for taylor taylor does play sports and has played sports growing up you know sort of the ones you expect he has always made a beeline just like he did in the previous episode always made a beeline to goalie because his belief was that like yeah goalie you can just
Starting point is 00:03:23 sit there and it's true wow you just sit there i just came up with like a teen fact for taylor that i think is like really good oh yeah let's switch it up this week um let's all throw our character sheets into a big bowl let's do that um if you have one for me too that'd be nice i think that taylor played t-ball until he was like 16 because he just could never actually hit the ball but they're like well you still want to play champ so like go ahead just see that I'll even go so far as to say the problem is is because Taylor never internalized the baseball swing because he believed that like if he figured out and got the muscle mechanics for the baseball swing down it would fuck him up because his inability to cut through tatami mats
Starting point is 00:04:06 with a fucking katana would be affected. There's a very specific cutting technique. Does Taylor ever try to, like, he's got the baseball bat, and then he just, like, pulls it a little bit back and forth in the hopes it'll do a home run, like when they do the katana. Yeah, that's what it is. Taylor never swung. He would always just be like, shh, shh, and then it'd be like, heh.
Starting point is 00:04:23 You know what I'm saying? Like, just one time it's going to fucking sail through, but't ever happened goalie taylor that was my all right matt we've stalled long enough yeah i forgot his dad fact before the episode started i might have done this one before but whatevs hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i got a little tickle my throat too you're all trapped in here with me now i'm fine my throat sounds a little weird though hey everybody my name is matth. Matt Arnold, throat goat, giving us the throat updates. The protective paladin
Starting point is 00:04:50 of the group. Wait, wait, wait. No, no. I'll start over. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the school-at-home soccer kid who's the protective paladin of the group. Really, really, really quick fact about Lincoln. His favorite meal is... Can you guess? Spaghetti. Soccer. Anyone with his
Starting point is 00:05:06 parents. No, like meal. No, foot. Something with feet. Not food, like what meal of the day. Oh. Lunch. Lunch, everyone he has at his parents. After kicking a thing. Dessert. Orange slices with his dad that he loves so much. Dads, dads. God, my dads are great. It's just brunch.
Starting point is 00:05:21 It's just a nice brunch. That's it? That's it? Yeah, brunch. You're such a piece of shit. Fuck you, Matt. Matt is a bad person. Agreed? Yeah? He's a brunch boy. Well, he's a brunch boy? That sounds really pejorative.
Starting point is 00:05:36 That sounds like the worst slur. Nothing nicer than a little brunch with your dad on Sunday. A little virgin mimosas. Why? Don't use that word. No. Virgin mimosas? Just orange There you go, fucking brunch boy. Little virgin mimosas. Why? Why? Don't use that word. No. Virgin mimosas? Just orange juice.
Starting point is 00:05:47 Just my virgin little brunch boy. Have you ever had the reverse mimosa, Matt? Just vodka? No, no. The reverse mimosa is Orangina and white wine. Okay.
Starting point is 00:05:55 That just sounds pretty good. That sounds delightful. It works. It totally works. It's not really reverse because both of those are bubbly, but okay. White wine is not bubbly.
Starting point is 00:06:04 Oh, I was thinking sparkling white wine. Orangina is carbonated.ly. Oh, I was thinking sparkling white wine. That's all the white wine I have. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. That's good. Man. All right.
Starting point is 00:06:10 A couple of real Orangina heads on the podcast. Yo, what up, Orangina heads? What up, Oranginos? Text your gals. You're either a brunch boy or you're a Regina head. I literally thought it was Orangina. Yeah. When we all get together, we have what are called orgies.
Starting point is 00:06:23 The guy who created the amazing orange really put his whole orangina into that one. Wow. The amazing orange? The amazing orange. The annoying orange. No, he's amazing. He's hired people across the world. Follow me.
Starting point is 00:06:34 So you're a bucko brunch boy. I got it. Well, we don't use that word here, Jimmy. Sorry, sorry. Jimmy, slow down. Cool off a little, Jimmy. Just relax. Take a walk, buddy.
Starting point is 00:06:42 Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal Oak, the perky, peppy, chipper-jerry, buddy. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oakley Perky Peppy Chipper Jerry School Spirit. Mascot kid who doesn't know who he is anymore. Here's Normal's team fact this week. This entire adventure, he's still been doing that homework. He's got like,
Starting point is 00:06:55 he's just like all his assignments. He's still clocking them in. He's not getting good grades on them, but he's doing the reading. He's got his contacts in all of his classes. What homework, though? We're in school matt school where is he getting the homework he's got his contacts you gotta pack it and then he has a little spell and he talks to his friend jenny who's in english class with him and she gives him the download on like what the new english homework is and what they're reading they're reading dang brown's the davinci code right now
Starting point is 00:07:21 okay link had no reason to distrust normal, but you're saying this entire time you've had a contact to the real world. It could have been getting. That's fine. It's to do homework. It's not to betray the team. It's to do homework.
Starting point is 00:07:33 Normal sounds a little tired this week. It's not because Will maybe has a tickly throat. It's because he was up all night doing his pre-calc homework. Will's in a little TV monitor here because he's separated from us because he may be a little sick. He's got a little cold. Yeah, Will potentially has a cold,
Starting point is 00:07:48 so he is being fed through a very complex AV setup. If you detect it, not like food-wise. He's being fed by zookeepers. Yeah. He's in our room with us. I'm in that milking machine that Jordan uses to poop in. He's in Freddy's apartment in a separate room. We can see him on a monitor
Starting point is 00:08:04 because Freddy has cameras all over his room so he can watch himself fuck after the fact. And he's milking himself. And he's getting milked by my milking machine. But we have cameras into his enclosure and he has been provided enrichment. Yeah. That's why. He's happier here than he would be in the wild. You can stop protesting.
Starting point is 00:08:20 Anthony, that's definitely true. Okay. My name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow. Boo! that's definitely true. Okay, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow. Boo! She's the best. She's a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. And
Starting point is 00:08:36 fun teen fact about Scary this week is that her favorite animal is the pied fly catcher. What? what pied fly catchers sometimes cooperate to mob a predator if their neighbor is at risk but if they don't like their neighbor their other pied fly catcher then they do not cooperate okay seems like beth's trying to communicate to us through bird facts no i literally it, it's just a fun fact. It's just a fun fact.
Starting point is 00:09:06 I don't know if you're reading into it or anything, but it's just a fun fact. I'm just Googling the pied flycatcher. It definitely looks like a pretty goth bird. It's like a black and white bird. I definitely see why it is. Whatever you do, don't look up pied flycatcher pronunciation. So then I might be fucked. Pied flycatcher.
Starting point is 00:09:22 Jimmy. Hey, everyone. What's up? My name is Jimmy Wong, playing Jodie Foster. Once more into the sunset, Jodie's P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A.
Starting point is 00:09:26 P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. P.A. that sounds like, Will. You know what that sounds like. It must be nice to live a life
Starting point is 00:09:45 where you can listen to Pornhub with sound. There's sound on that thing? Porn's never been the same since they went into that talkie era. I remember when you used to watch Silent Porn and it would have to cut to a title screen of somebody saying, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, and it got cut.
Starting point is 00:10:03 Yeah, and you'd have to hold the roll while you read the text, like, okay, okay, cool, cool, cool. The piano players, they're like, man, I should have gotten a better job. He was singing in the rain, but his horn is like, the lady's like, they don't want me anymore because my voice is too annoying. Oh, yeah! Oh, wow! I can't stand this
Starting point is 00:10:19 cock! Sounds like fucking David Lee Roth fucking stems from fucking Van Halen. Oh, yeah! Well. Sorry, Jimmy. I do have a dad fact. Jody's dad fact is that
Starting point is 00:10:39 in order to remake his life and become the man that he wants to be, basically to get his old life back. He's resorted to buying books that are on recommended lists, that are inspirational. So he's got like the Obama, like 10 Obama's read books of the year. We're talking more like 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B. Peterson.
Starting point is 00:10:57 Oh, no! He's got like the longest in hell. I knew it! Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this time around, he actually has the book in front of him. It's Warrior of the Light. This is by Paolo Coelho. He was actually the author
Starting point is 00:11:08 of The Alchemist. I hated The Alchemist. And Veronica Decides to Die, which is a better book in my opinion. But what he does is he'll just flip to a random page
Starting point is 00:11:16 every day and he'll read a passage from it and let that inform how he's going to live his life. We can't do this for copyright reasons. Yeah, I can't say that.
Starting point is 00:11:24 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it. So there's 136 pages. I just want someone to give me a number and we'll just do a little bit of Jody's daily exercise. 69. 69. This page is a little sticky.
Starting point is 00:11:35 Come on, Jimmy. Jimmy, that's disgusting. Jimmy, why? Wait, why? Why? Did you come on it? Is there a picture in there? Did you ejaculate on your book?
Starting point is 00:11:45 Anyway, this one says, a warrior of the light accepts his personal legend completely and the warrior... I want to give this guy a fucking noogie. His companions say, he has remarkable faith. For a moment, the warrior feels proud
Starting point is 00:11:58 and immediately feels ashamed. Or she. Got to empower. He immediately feels proud and ashamed of what he or she has heard because he or she does not have as much faith as they appear to have. At that moment, his angel whispers,
Starting point is 00:12:11 you are only an instrument of the light. There is no reason to feel proud or to feel guilty. Let's find this guy. There are only reasons to feel happy, and the warrior of the light, a.k.a. Jody, aware now that he is but an instrument, feels calmer and more secure. Dude, this guy deserves such a swirly.
Starting point is 00:12:25 Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to take his fucking lunch money. I hated The Alchemist. I never read it. I never will now. I never started beef with some author. Is he still alive? Well, you know,
Starting point is 00:12:34 a warrior of the light knows his own faults. I'm Anthony Burch, daddy master and a warrior of the light. I don't really have a dad fact today other than the fact that Beth got me a really nice t-shirt that has the IHOP logo but it says I hope
Starting point is 00:12:47 and then it has a crying pat of butter on top of a bunch of pancakes and the bottom of the shirt says that hell doesn't exist. Very good. Well, they should not listen to this podcast
Starting point is 00:12:57 nor say the word bucko. When we last left you, you were, as we have so often done, in the middle of a big, like, kind of sports thing that we then kind of just stopped doing halfway through because plot reasons. In this case, the plot reason was that you managed to get the pick, which is an anchor, away from Glenn. Barely. Link managed to grab it, and then Link snapped it in half.
Starting point is 00:13:23 So, Link, can you tell me a little bit about what's going through your mind? Let's go into the mind of a Lincoln Lee Wilson. I'll say that. I didn't think that was going to be the end of the episode, so now I've got to get back into this mind space of this moment. Everyone clear out Matt's doing his thing. He's going to run into his mind palace. You're Lincoln Lee Wilson.
Starting point is 00:13:42 You're just 12 years old. He's 12? Two years years ago he was 12 years old you're 12 plus 2 13 okay this is the fucking watchman fucking old monologue two years ago that's what it was my fact was gonna be that the fucking normal soccer ball shape confounds him and that's why he tried to learn geometry but he doesn't get how those shapes can make a ball. It doesn't make sense. Oh, like a bunch of pentagons or whatever? But they're not just
Starting point is 00:14:11 pentagons. Some are pentagons but some are hexagons. It makes no sense. That's why his dad's always got by on the volleyball shape. Go back to your ASMR. Anyways, okay. I break it. There, okay. What the heck? Scary. What are you doing? Normal just, I don't know. I don't know normal just i don't know i don't know normal what do you mean you don't know why'd you break the pig because i just i can't i can't i just can't
Starting point is 00:14:30 anymore i can't look at these adults they're fighting over whatever and my dad killed people and i've killed like i tried to do the right thing i killed them i don't know what this is i said i love you doesn't do anything i just can't i don't know who to trust i don't know what to do but i scary i just can't not have you with us anymore you four are the only people i have. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what to do, but it's scary. I just can't not have you with us anymore. You four are the only people I have. And I don't know to trust you, but I can't trust anybody else at this point. And I don't know. I don't trust Will either.
Starting point is 00:14:52 But she said this is the way for less people to die. And I just don't want to. She said that Willie said that was the way. So what are you doing? I broke it because it's broken now. We got it. So what's the big deal? We got it.
Starting point is 00:15:04 We're two fourths of the way done, right? And then we can just stop all this. So it sounds like the thing that's motivating you to break it was a combination of fear and love for keeping scary in the group. Would that be fair to say? Yeah, I think he doesn't want to get into a fight
Starting point is 00:15:16 and he doesn't know what to do. At least this will maybe help her because he doesn't want to push her away anymore. Sure. That's fucking, that's love, baby. So let's leave it up to the gods. Why don't you roll a D20 and one through 10,
Starting point is 00:15:27 you're going to have a little bit more fear than love and 11 through 20, you're going to have a little bit more love than fear. Just like real life. Wait, was high good or bad? High is good.
Starting point is 00:15:34 Oh, I got 17. Okay. Normal, you see an explosion of Lou come from the- Lou come? Yeah, Lou come, come from the anchor all over you. The Pornhub theme plays
Starting point is 00:15:44 and you feel a positive energy emanating from the anchor. Blue cum? Yeah, blue cum come from the anchor all over you. The Pornhub theme plays and you feel a positive energy emanating from the explosion of cum from the guitar pick and you know that something has changed in the balance of how the doodler
Starting point is 00:15:54 is currently feeling. There was nothing but negative energy in it before but now the negative and the positive are kind of balanced out. Oh, thank God.
Starting point is 00:16:02 Oh, that was really scary. Whoa. I mean, what's wrong? Like I broke the thing. Yeah, but you had like a little more, it went well. It went good. It didn't go good. Why not scary? I did what you asked me to do. I know, but don't trust me. I'm, I told you what to do, but why'd you do it out of love? Like, why can't you hate me like everybody else? Cause I don't know. Maybe I do. I just know that the four of us have to do this together i don't know i don't hate you whatever okay if you want me to hate you i'll hate you i'm mad at you yeah so that's not the same as hating someone like i'm
Starting point is 00:16:35 mad at a lot of translators over the years but that doesn't mean i hate them doesn't mean i hate them looks scary like what have the three of us done i just don't know i get why maybe you trust this willie guy more than your dad but like why you just have the three of us done? I just don't know. I get why maybe you trust this Willie guy more than your dad, but like, why do you just trust the three of us? Like I did the thing. Where is Willie? Nick came back,
Starting point is 00:16:50 but Willie didn't. Where, where is he? So Nick hears you say his name and leaps off of the bleachers over the soccer field and lands. And what would be blade stance, but he doesn't have any arms in front of you. We're still all pretty legless over here too,
Starting point is 00:17:03 right? Yeah. You're still, you're still on the field. Oh yeah legless? Oh yeah, to update everybody on leg situations. The ones who lost your legs, you're next to your legs and Jody and Glenn are currently fighting over the same leg and are currently cat-dogged together by that leg. Nick comes over and casts some low-level limb reattachment spells on everyone that's not Jody and glenn so you have your your limbs back now lean crosses his finger hoping for like uh what's the rookie of the year situation he's like
Starting point is 00:17:30 come on and he winds up his leg to kick the ball funky butt loving no what's the one where he like breaks his arm yeah yeah yeah what is funky butt loving oh well where he's testing out his throwing arm after he gets the cast off and he hits the doctor in the nose and the doctor goes funky but loving and as was the rule for jokes in the 90s they had to have another character repeat it by going did you just say funky but loving and it's somehow funnier the second that's a good joke it's a good joke i mean that's just a good joke like format like a meme format yeah do it and then do it again yeah anyways i assume i just kick the ball normally i think there's a one in 100 chance yeah you now have a rookie of the year leg situation what's the chance yeah roll d100
Starting point is 00:18:09 if you get 100 you'll get it damn it i got 73 oh so close all right there's no 73 and warrior of so nick says he's back in uh san dimas did I hear right that you're friends with him? Well, it's more like a mentor and then like... Yeah, yeah, don't trust her. It's really weird, Dad. So he turns to you, Taylor, and he goes, I gotta say, I was sort of in favor of you
Starting point is 00:18:38 going your own way and sort of being a Ronin walking the wastes alone without your friends, but you all did manage to like do a thing. So I guess credit where credits do. Yeah. It's more like a
Starting point is 00:18:53 mentor chosen one kind of scenario. She thinks she's the chosen one. Clearly I am the chosen one. These are my compatriots. My fellow brothers and sisters in arms. These are my sidekicks, if you will. You're not. No, you're not, neither are you the chosen one. I'm the chosen one.
Starting point is 00:19:08 It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I, mm, spit it out. What's abnormal? All right, cards on the table. Do we want Scary back in the group? Like, I know that we just had a fun soccer game, but, like, she's against us. She doesn't want what we want.
Starting point is 00:19:22 Willie sucks. Scary, remember, she killed a guy she helped him kill a guy none of that changed so no offense scary but like we're all talking like it's all in the past but it's like this is very much of the future right like that came really close link and like i don't know like you were trying to help her like i'm happy that i wound up helping me but like you were trying to help her and you're all like well i got i want scary to trust me but like do you not care if i trust you like that was a really risky move dude so like i don't know like i'm just okay but what's not fine what's not been a risky move, dude. So, like, I don't know. Like, I'm just feeling a little like.
Starting point is 00:19:45 Fine. What's not been a risky move? What are you talking about? We've been doing this whole. Do we? Okay. Let's fast forward. That's all I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:19:52 Let's fast forward to the next anchor. Look, I'll tell you this. Scary wants to destroy it. We don't want to destroy it. What are you going to do? I don't know. We'll see when we get there. That's not good enough, man.
Starting point is 00:20:00 We got to have a plan. No, Scary's focused on this 100% of the day. Every day, 24-7. She's not doing homework like you are. I see you late at night focusing on homework. We all keep our head in the game. Yeah, we're trying to save the world here, and you're doing math? You've got to contact the whole outside world.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Maybe someday we'll have to get the sign of a cosign to figure out something with the doula. You don't know. The only cosigning you'll be doing is signing your own death warrant. Maybe you'll find that you're the only one who wants what you want. You guys are on trial here. I have been consistent about what I want from day one, which is to help the doer. Maybe it doesn't line up with what we want.
Starting point is 00:20:34 So maybe you should be the one that gets lost. Maybe I should. Scary, stop it. Don't you just see, like, everybody's bad. I don't know what you're worried about, Normal. There's no good people. There's no bad people. You don't like your dad.
Starting point is 00:20:44 My dad's bad, Normal. There's no good people. There's no bad people. You don't like your dad. My dad's bad, too. Everybody's bad. So can we just try to minimize just people that I... Who's not? He nods over at Normal. He goes, Normal's sister. The chosen one. I'm sorry?
Starting point is 00:20:57 Your sister, Normal. Oh, my sister here? That's a pretty funny joke. I didn't know your parents didn't tell you. Oh. My uncle... Or not your uncle Oh. My, I'm sorry. Or neither your uncle either. Yeah, oh, sorry.
Starting point is 00:21:09 Sorry. Yeah, you're the, oh, I shouldn't be the one to tell you this. Yeah, why? What are you doing? You are a, what we would call in the parental world, a pleasant surprise. Okay, that's, I'm okay with that. Okay, cool. Yeah, you know, it's a pleasant surprise that, you know, you got this son and he turned out so great, right?
Starting point is 00:21:25 Sure, yeah. What, you know, it's a present surprise that, you know, you got this son and he turned out so great, right? Sure, yeah. What do you mean by surprise? Well, because they just wanted to have the one hero. Oh. And there's a family sort of power that sort of got passed down. And she sort of got, like, the best stuff. And you are you. So that's something to be proud of, I guess.
Starting point is 00:21:44 But I don't want to distract you from the argument you guys are having. This is why I don't have friends, so I don't have to do this kind of stuff, so I'm just going to maybe step back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you're saying my sister... Hell yes, I'm cool, Dad. So the whole doodler bloodline thing got passed to my
Starting point is 00:22:00 sister, and I'm like, what am I in this? Just nothing? That's a great question for your dad. Man, this is more proof. Yeah, we get proof you're yeah we get it like why do you bring it up well okay don't come at me just because you found out your mom and dad didn't want you man don't get mad at me whoa for that just calm down and hermy goes i know what it's like to be unwanted oh my god hermy where were you i've been here the entire time trying to help you everything a single thing i said went unheard and unlistened to. I feel like I should have had to roll for that if that was like...
Starting point is 00:22:29 Go ahead and roll then, coward. Perception. You perceive Hermie's pissed. I got a natural one. Exactly. Exactly my point. The dice never lies. Dice knows.
Starting point is 00:22:42 I am sorry, Hermie. I'm sorry, man. You know how much Ted Lasso I've watched? I had so many strategies for how we could both be better as a team and as a family. We are winning the game though. Is this game still even going? Yes, while you've been talking, it feels
Starting point is 00:22:55 like the other team just scored like a bunch of goals. But you've been talking for a while now. And then Glenn and Jody are like, what the fuck, Jody? We could have stopped those goals. See how long I've been trying to fucking do this, man! Do it again! Just reset, you coward! Oh my god, give me my leg back. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wow, it's a whole family
Starting point is 00:23:11 gathering here. Hermie, great job in the game. Shut the fuck up, dad. Jeez. Okay, other son, can you reattach my lemmys here? And I'm gonna squish out Glenn Close's feet from my stumps and grab my legs. Nick, Nick, over here. Hook your own man up. His legs
Starting point is 00:23:28 kind of go like one direction and then the other. He's like, oh, which one do I pick? And so I'm just going to have him roll for it. So first he goes to Jody and reattaches Jody's legs and then he goes to you, Glenn, and reattaches your legs. I'm going to put a hand down and help Glenn up. I spit in your hand. I give up on my own accord. Nick, who was just about to open his mouth to say something to his dad, just kind of
Starting point is 00:23:44 sniffs and goes, yeah, that's what I thought this would be, and just starts walking away as you argue with each other. I want to make the most of my time here. I'm going to attempt to kick Glenn in the nuts as hard as I can. Okay, go ahead and roll an attack. Rolled in 18. Alright, what's your AC, Frederick? 14. Alright, it hits. You get a devil foot right in the
Starting point is 00:23:59 ding-dong. Yeah, so I just kick Glenn as hard as I can in the nuts, and I look at the rest of the group and go like, look. Link shakes his head and just walks away. Should I get to walk away, Link? I was going to shake my head and walk away. Yeah, well, we should all walk away. You're the one who's putting this problem because you can't make up your mind about what you want to do.
Starting point is 00:24:21 Exactly what that normal person said. Okay, I'm trying to be cool here. Normal, are you serious? Like, I don't make up my mind. I did the thing. I broke it. I tried to help people before, right? And firefighters died. Every time we're in a situation, this is how normal talks. Hey, maybe we should do this or maybe this. I don't know. I want to do the right thing, but
Starting point is 00:24:36 I don't want to do the wrong thing either. Will somebody make the decision for me in the end? And then somebody does it. That's a great normal impression. Thank you. And then somebody does it and then you get to be on the high ground now. All I want to do is not kill more people, okay? He's got his hand on us. He's studying your normal. All I've done is try to help you three. I just want to be with the three of us
Starting point is 00:24:51 and can't we just do it? I was just going to sit here and ask Scary what she learned so we can concentrate on the thing so we can be done with all this. I'm sorry, okay? Anyway, I was trying to say that you kids don't really have a choice. Shut the fuck up, dude. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:25:05 You're in my house. I run up. Roll attack. I want to roll a D100 to see. I want a second chance at the rookie of the year. All right. You can either roll a regular attack or the D100. You can't do both.
Starting point is 00:25:17 I'm rolling a D100. All right. I got 57. All right. I made my statement, though. You fucking missed completely. You hit his inner thigh. Whatever. You've heard of this when it's that small. I still pretend statement though. You fucking missed completely. You hit his inner thigh. Whatever.
Starting point is 00:25:25 You've heard of this one. It's that small. I still pretend like I actually got hit in the nuts. Okay. Just to, you know, play it up. But I go,
Starting point is 00:25:31 Hey, look, you kids, I've seen a lot of things in hell and you don't want to split up. You guys have to find some kind of way to become friendly because look, I'm sure that's scary over here is more complicated and has more things going on than you guys are even thinking about.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Just do some amount of teamwork. Ask what is happening because you know what? This Willy guy, I'm going to agree with everyone else. He kind of sucks a lot, but everyone has reasons for doing what they're doing.
Starting point is 00:25:59 So if you at least decode some of that, maybe you can stop bickering like a bunch of children and I can get back to running hell the way I want to. Nick says, ignore my shitty dumbass dad. You should separate.
Starting point is 00:26:08 You should all separate into individual adventures. What, like your arms have been separated from your body? Nick, come on, man! Morgan is like, oh, honey, don't say that. She's like, we're all better off on our own. See this argument that we're all having? This doesn't happen when you're on your own, so peace out. And he kisses his fingers that would be there if they were there.
Starting point is 00:26:23 Hey, I'll give you guys a ride back to wherever you want to go. And then Glenn from the ground has crawled over underneath Jody's legs. And he goes, decode this bitch. He's going to show you can upper like like fucking Ryu uppercut style dragon punch into the Gooch gonad area. All right. Give me an attack roll. Jimmy, I'm going to kill you. That's a plus seven to my hit.
Starting point is 00:26:47 They see I'm striking. That's a natural 20. Wow. 27. All right. Well, that's what you get to determine what happens, bro. I uppercut your balls and you fly straight to the top floor of fucking hell. No, you want like a cartoon character when they run away really fast with their eyeball
Starting point is 00:27:04 stay behind. I like the testicles are like still like still there. And it's the opposite. fucking hell. You know what, you know what like a cartoon character when they run away really fast but their eyeballs stay behind? They snap like the testicles are like still, are like still there. And it's the opposite, his testicles go up and the rest of his body follows them.
Starting point is 00:27:12 He goes, he disappears in the sound like a gunshot ricocheting off of a hard rock. Okay, well as I fly upwards, the last thing I say is, splitting up is what caused
Starting point is 00:27:21 this whole thing in the first place. Bye! This is splitting up is what caused this whole thing in the first place. Bye. Do we want to help the doodler or to kill the doodler? I would like to not have to kill the doodler. Let's just get away from all these people who are not helping us.
Starting point is 00:27:44 And just let's just talk to scary and get more information because she had some and then the soccer game happened and i don't know what to do maybe i did the wrong thing but kissing it or whatever we did didn't do it in that moment i just want the least amount of people to die as possible and for less blood to be on my hands dad we need a safe house a retreat sounds like we got some shit to iron out here in the group sure what realm do you want it to be in so there's one in goof realm but i'm not sure how to get there and then hermy goes i do and then nick says and then there's one in earth as i know it's a big dark butthole land so i don't know where do you want to go to set up your safe house so those are the two places there's an anchor those are that's two places where the anchor or it can take you back to sandemus where normal do you have a priority
Starting point is 00:28:21 you care my priority is to figure out whether I can trust you guys right now, frankly. You know, let's go to my house. There's snacks. Oh, you got the pantry. We can sit down, we can talk it out, and we can see how this goes. Sounds like the most boring thing I can literally think of.
Starting point is 00:28:37 All right, well, in that case, you know, maybe I'll just go by myself, and I'll just leave you guys, and you guys can figure out how to figure this shit out on your own. Nico sounds good and carves with his horn a portal to your house in San Dimas,
Starting point is 00:28:49 formerly the Forgotten Realms, now what you know is home. I was kind of just saying that. I don't, I'm, oh, I'll go, no,
Starting point is 00:28:55 let's go. Scary, just come with us, okay? I can make more portals. No, let's just, can we just,
Starting point is 00:28:59 for just right now, just all stay together for one more time? Like, let's get snacks. That sounds good, normal. Let's go get snacks and talk.
Starting point is 00:29:04 Yeah. Is that cool? Yeah. Scary, please. I need. That sounds good, Normal. Let's go get snacks and talk. Is that cool? Yeah. Scary, please. I need to drop off my homework anyway. Do you have Twizzlers? No, but we've got the other one. We got red vines. Fucking red vines.
Starting point is 00:29:14 Yeah. Okay. All right. So you're going to step through the portal into Normal's dining room. We all flick off Jody. I'm not even there. I don't feel it.
Starting point is 00:29:24 I'm a warrior of the light. Yeah, you're flicking off a Jody-sized silhouette that like exploded into the roof and then up through all the other ceilings of hell. I would like to know, though, does Glenn ever finish killing these last demons of hell? No, I think you all left before you did it. As everyone leaves, Glenn goes like,
Starting point is 00:29:40 Ah, shit. Looks like we're back to square one, babe. Morgan goes, Don't... You two just kicked each other in the balls over and over. Your son and your grandson is here. I feel like I should practically go with them. You guys suck. Yeah, we do. You do.
Starting point is 00:29:53 Can I establish a psychic link to Hermie and just say some things as a father before he leaves my realm once more? Sure. So Jody, from the now top level of hell, closes the door. Son. Son. Son. Son.
Starting point is 00:30:06 Son. Son, Hermie. I'm sorry for abandoning you. I love you for what it matters. Bye. Wow. Now you're allowed to talk back? That really covers it.
Starting point is 00:30:17 Is there anything you would like to say? It's too late. It's too late. You said bye. Oh, Hermie, you should come along with us. Oh, I get to go too. Thank you guys so much. Geez Louise.
Starting point is 00:30:28 Here I come. Do, do, do, do, do, do. And he walks through the portal. He walked kind of mean. Okay, so you are back in San Dimas. Is it weeks later or is this a different type of portal? So yeah, when you come back through the portal, the first thing you notice is there's a lot of flashing red and blue lights
Starting point is 00:30:45 outside of the windows of the house. Cop lights? Yes. Okay. The second thing you notice is that there's nobody in the dining room. It's really, really quiet. Mom? We're home.
Starting point is 00:30:55 I'm home. From upstairs, you hear your mother go, Normie? Oh, oh my God. And you hear her rushing hurriedly down the stairs, a assault rifle slung over her shoulder, two pistols on her hip. And she goes, where were you? Your dad's been looking for you all over the city and the mayor and Willie and all.
Starting point is 00:31:13 What's, what's going on? Where were you? We were in hell. It's complicated, but what's going on? She goes, your sister is out there somewhere. I can't find her. And Willie's got the whole town on lockdown to deal with the mayor and stuff. And I'm locked in here and I don't know where your dads are. Dad, your dad and your uncle. I don't know where your dad and your uncle are. Okay. So you're like, what? There's
Starting point is 00:31:34 just like the mayor's running around causing problems. That's what I'm picking up right now. Is that what's going on? So your mom narrows her eyes and she goes, that's the story they want us to think. And then she fucking swipes a bunch of shit off of her wall and turns it around with a button press and it's got like a bolton board with a bunch of pictures connected to each other yeah this is our family project board oh yeah sorry i repurposed it for my conspiracy board but my thinking is that the mayor and this willie guy it might be a false flag operation okay you. You have my attention. Go on. So every time the mayor and Willie have clashed publicly,
Starting point is 00:32:10 which has happened several times, and it's been very visually appealing, it's always been to a draw. Neither one of them has won. That seems unrealistic. And more than that, the more that the mayor's influence has spread and the more her acolytes have taken over much of the town, the more power has been afforded to daddies by the federal government.
Starting point is 00:32:33 To the point where now Willie can order FBI agents to stay outside my house and keep me in quarantine. So I think, I think that this goes all the way to the top. Wow. Mom, you've been saying things go all the way to the top for so long, but it seems like this in someone's nose. This time for real, though. This time, if it's for real. Norm, I think your mom's been doodlerized or something. No, I've been awoken. So we can't go outside? If you want to get shot to ribbons by the FBI.
Starting point is 00:32:54 Can I peek open the door? You peek open the door, and you immediately see a floodlight right into your face to the point where you almost can't see anything. And you hear a voice through a megaphone go, Stay inside. It's safer inside from the mayor. Citizen. Small citizen.
Starting point is 00:33:08 How are you guys doing out there, though? It's pretty dangerous for you, too, right? We're good. Oh, okay. Cool. Well, if you ever feel like being safer, maybe we can always take your turn. You can come in here, and we'll come out there sometime. So, anyways, just keep up the good work.
Starting point is 00:33:20 Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Keep up the good work. Like you got cookies or something? Are you hungry? Are you boys hungry? Oh, disadvantage. I mean, I'm cute. I got three.
Starting point is 00:33:32 Okay, so three. No, that's not. We're not going to switch places with you, small child. That's fine. Just offer stands and I just close the door. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:39 I mean, okay. Yeah, it's real. They're out there. Norm's mom's like, oh, they're always at a draw. They can never, you know, win or lose. Well, that's exactly. They're out there. Norm's mom's like, oh, they're always at a draw. They can never, you know, win or lose. Well, that's exactly the same as like, what, you know, normal saying.
Starting point is 00:33:51 Like, do you guys want me in the group or not? It's always the same draw. It's always the same, like even matched. Yeah, sometimes we want you in the group. Sometimes we don't. So I'm just saying that what she's saying is bullshit because it's all a draw all the time. So there.
Starting point is 00:34:06 As the leader of the group, I feel behooved to step up here really quick and just say a few things. First and foremost, Scary, you've been doing some real out-of-pocket shit lately, namely vis-a-vis murdering our school principal and like just being a general butthead. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:34:21 I had no idea. Oh, well, if that's the case, let me be the first to inform you that your actions have not been becoming a part of our team, part of this team of cool teens. Yes, Gary, we made our choice. We made our choice, which was Link told you to get out of his house, and then you're
Starting point is 00:34:35 still following us around, so what are you doing here? Not becoming, not ladylike, is that what it is? No, it never says that. Go fuck yourself. Give me a red vine. Give me a red vine right now. Normal's mom goes, oh, of course, let me get the red vine.
Starting point is 00:34:47 And she takes out a big cookie jar full of red vines. Oh my God, I would never tell another woman to do anything like that in such a harsh... Yeah, she just wants to be a good host.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Oh, okay. She knows it wasn't directed at her. She says that. She goes, I know that wasn't directed at me. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:34:58 Sometimes you need a red vine. Yeah, I do. We also have Shasta Cola. What flavor Shasta Cola would you like, Scary? Actually, can I have Shasta, but is it too much? Mrs. Swallow's Oak Garcia, could you like water it down halfway? I can't have that much sugar. From a Shasta?
Starting point is 00:35:17 Mother, I will help you water down Link's Shasta. And Taylor, I believe we have several Ramunes left over from the last time you came over. And Scary, if you would like a drink, you are welcome to one because this is a house where we host people. Cool. Where's the bathroom? It's down the hall to your left. First one on the left. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:37 I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay. And then. Just by yourself? I'm going to. Yeah. Wait. What?
Starting point is 00:35:44 Sorry? What? I don't know. Everybody hearts sorry what was that link it just felt like we're in the middle of talking it's just a little suspicious scary can we just finish the talk you have to go right now yeah i can't hold it okay well so why don't you just cool it oh okay well fine i will okay but we'll all be we don't want to listen to you but it's like there's no is there a window in your bathroom? And outside, she's not going to go anywhere. There's a bunch of FBI agents outside.
Starting point is 00:36:09 I don't know. We want her to go. I don't care if she goes. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Well, no.
Starting point is 00:36:13 Okay. All right. Here I go. All right. Hey, scary. Before you go to the bathroom, look me in the eye.
Starting point is 00:36:21 Okay. When you're in there, you're only going to go to the bathroom, right? Like you're not, nothing else. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should fucking wash my hands. Huh?
Starting point is 00:36:32 You ever think about that? Okay. Ew, Link, you're a dirty boy. Always got to wash your hands. Bathroom and wash your hands. Okay. Anything else? Just come out here and do it with all of us so we can all talk about it.
Starting point is 00:36:43 Oh, sure. Yeah. Why don't I just take a shower right here? I bathe in your blood huh okay fine whatever just go to the bathroom why are you acting weird yeah yeah i just want to know why you're going to the bathroom alone i don't know why you're making a big deal what a reversal what a reversal that's gaslighting on the level of fucking midsummer. That's so good. Fuck. So you're in the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:37:07 Yes. I'm going to put on the nightcap. Okay. So you instantly fall asleep and you instantly see a bloodied and harried looking Willie appear to you in your dreams. And he goes, shit, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I just got to use your hand here. Ha ha. And he holds up Nick's hands.
Starting point is 00:37:22 He goes, ha ha. I got a hand. But yeah, they'll fuck him. Oh, cool. I just got mine back. Oh, ha. He holds up Nick's hands. He goes, ha ha. I got a hand, but yeah, they'll fuck him. Oh, cool. I just got mine back. Oh, Hey, good for you.
Starting point is 00:37:27 Okay. So I'm back on like earth, but not actually real earth. Obviously. Um, puts his ear up to the door of the bathroom. Link, what the fuck dude?
Starting point is 00:37:37 I'm asleep. I'm in like a parallel. She's honking. Yeah. Okay. She's snorking. Me, me,
Starting point is 00:37:41 me. Do I hear that? Why don't you roll perception? And, uh, Beth, you roll disadvantage stealth. Don't act shocked, Beth, like Scary hasn't done anything to not be too introspective. She's completely innocent. 17. All right.
Starting point is 00:37:52 Scary, you rolled disadvantage stealth. I got a six. Disadvantage honk shoe. Six? Yeah. Okay. So you can hear some honk shoeing. She sleeps when she pees.
Starting point is 00:38:02 Whoa. That must be so relaxing. Is that what it's like for all girls is that why they take so long in the bathroom they're all taking a nap i wasn't being weird like she put on the hat again she's in there talking to willie open the door normal do you have a key get her out of there i start kicking the door i'm gonna kick the door down okay okay okay and i scary i knock on the door no you're in there all right so nothing happened she's asleep i run back i charge the door. No. You're in there. All right. So nothing happened. She's asleep. I run back.
Starting point is 00:38:25 I charge the door to break through it. All right. Give me a strength check. 14 plus two, 16. All right. So you splinter the door a little bit. The joints look like they would take one more hit to get knocked off completely. And Mrs. Swallow's Aunt Garcia is like, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:38:40 Link, come on. This is my house, dude. What are you doing? I know she's in there, though. Yeah, she's in the bathroom. She's allowed to be in the bathroom. Who raised you? She's not supposed to be in there.
Starting point is 00:38:50 All right. On that, we'll cut back to Scary's dream. So, Willy goes, did you get the anchor? Yeah, we broke it. Listen, they know I'm in here sleeping. I don't have much time. I just it listen they know i'm in here sleeping i don't have much time i just have two questions yeah you're sure i should be trusting you right am i sure you should be i think it's up to you who to trust kid but yeah obviously you should be trusting me i'm the only one who knows what the fuck's going on here and i'm the only one who has to lie to you about
Starting point is 00:39:21 anything yeah that's true and what should I tell them when I wake up? They're looking for some facts about the doodler, how to, like, destroy it and stuff like that, and I can tell them, you know, to destroy it with hate because that weakens it, but I need something a little more convincing, something that will really make them be on my side. Okay, let's see.
Starting point is 00:39:40 I can tell you how to get to Goof Realm. I could tell you about the origins of the doodler and how it kills people. Here's what I'll tell you. I'll tell you how to get to Goof Realm. I could tell you about the origins of the doodler and how it kills people. Here's what I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything about the whole plan. I'll tell you the rest of what we're going to do. You're going to destroy the anchors. You can get to Goof Realm by having the most horrible, most heart shattering scam done to you. And once we've got all the anchors destroyed, we're going to head back to Daddy's HQ and we're going to fucking do a ritual there. And that's going to allow us to communicate with the doodler. And that's when you, not me, are going to communicate with the doodler. So if they're scared of me, they don't have to be
Starting point is 00:40:12 because he's going to talk to you. Whoa. That's a lot of power. Yeah. Like I'm giving you that power. So I would trust me. Fucking Jesus. Yeah. It's kind of weird that we're going this far and you're still not trusting me. It's kind of fucked up. You broke it with hate, right? The second anchor? Yeah, about that. It was like, it broke violently in a cool way. It's hard to break a guitar pick. He's getting angrier in his eyes. His eyes are narrowing. No, it got broken with love.
Starting point is 00:40:39 God fucking damn it! You had one job! Whoa, whoa. They're dumb. They're so stupid. Okay. And you're job. Whoa, whoa. They're dumb. They're so stupid. Okay. And you're smarter than them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:48 It shouldn't be that fucking. Okay. Well, you're so mad. It's not that big of a deal. Like I can fix this. I can fix it easily. Can you? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:58 Can you? Yeah. Show me. Okay. And then with a start, you're awake. For the first time without your own control, you are just suddenly awake. Do I break through the door? Yes, you break through the door at that moment.
Starting point is 00:41:08 I pull the hat off. This is it for you. I throw the hat in the toilet and start flushing it. I know how to get to Grooves from. Okay. Yeah. Did Willie tell you that? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:41:18 There's no pee in this toilet. Literally the one thing. You look me in the eye. I'm not an animal, Link. I peed and I flushed. I listened. I was listening the whole time. There's no flushing.
Starting point is 00:41:28 There's no peeing. Link, you got to be careful, bud. You're not looking good here. Oh, oh, oh. I'm not worried about looking good. I'm worried about our friend getting whatever Willie's doing. I defended you when they all called you piss boy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:39 That's what I was like. Oh, Link would never. Link's not a piss boy. So me and you don't piss. That's great. But it sounds like you're a piss boy. I don't understand. You didn't pee. I don't. That's not a piss boy. So me and you don't piss. That's great. But it sounds like you're a piss boy. I don't understand. You didn't pee.
Starting point is 00:41:47 I don't. That's not even. The point's not about you peeing or not. You're obsessed with pee. Well, it's weird. It comes out of our body. It sounds like it's just a little. You drink a thing.
Starting point is 00:41:57 And then like hours later. Is that weird to anybody else here? And it smells weird. Yeah. It's like, it doesn't smell like any other part of me it's just like it is his own anyways that's not the point the point is just one second you couldn't last literally one second after i put out a hand and now you're just doing this i just don't what yeah we can't trust you scary i just don't know why you are talking to willie
Starting point is 00:42:20 and even if you want to talk to willie you could just ask us or at least try to bring us into it because now i don't know anything that he's saying and how am I supposed to trust you? And he can't even tell the truth about whether or not you have to go pee. We can't link. That's the whole thing. Cool. You want to send me on my own way? I mean, I know how to get to goose realm. I know what to do once all the anchors are destroyed, but if you want to throw me out on my ass, then that's fine. You just keep saying things to me like those are the things I said. That's not what I said. I've literally just been asking you
Starting point is 00:42:48 what you're doing and what you wanna do. Mrs. Swalzer goes, it sounds like you could use with a little bit of compromise. So what I like to do in these situations is you limit what you're saying to I feel statements rather than assuming the other person's intentions. You just say, I feel this way because of the situation. And maybe that way you can come to a happy medium,
Starting point is 00:43:06 a middle. Also, you owe me for that door. Here's your half-water Shasta Cola that I gave you because I'm a good host, unlike some guests. Here are your red vines and I throw them on the ground.
Starting point is 00:43:18 Yeah, what? I'll eat them off the ground. No, well, that's rude. I'm sorry. I'll go get a plate. Throw those away and get new ones. Okay, yeah. I'm sorry. Scary can only get a plate. Throw those away and get new ones. Okay, yeah. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:43:25 Scary can only eat red vines off a plate with a fork. You just fucked up next week's teen fact. I feel like Link is a little loser piss boy baby who doesn't know what he wants. And so maybe I feel that you should kick me out but i'm just saying it's gonna be a lot fucking harder to get these anchors without me and i feel like all i want to do is stop everything and all these people from dying and my my hand is open to you. And if you don't want it, that's fine. I don't care. I just don't know. I just don't care. If I have to do with the three of you, then I'll do it with the three of you. That's all I want to do. Whatever you want to do
Starting point is 00:44:14 normal, whatever you all want to do. I just want to get this done. And if you don't want to meet me halfway, then whatever. I don't, it's fine. It's fine. I feel fine. How about that? How about that? That's how I feel. I feel fine too. Great. I feel confused. I don't know It's fine. It's fine. I feel fine. How about that? How about that? That's how I feel. I feel fine too. Great. I feel confused. I don't know what either of you want. We want to stop the doodler. And I feel like we can't trust Scary anymore.
Starting point is 00:44:33 I feel like she's betrayed us too many times. She's killed us. Literal person. A guy who finally, someone who would watch anime with me, and I don't think we can trust her. And having her loose out there, I mean, I think she's working against us.
Starting point is 00:44:48 All in favor of expelling Scary from the group, raise your hand. Or say aye. Or say aye. Since this is a podcast. Aye. Aye. Aye.
Starting point is 00:44:59 Well, that, no, that doesn't, I don't know if that counts. She can vote. She gets a vote. Women can vote. Okay. Your mom pats you on the shoulder and goes, yes, they can.
Starting point is 00:45:08 Three of you would be enough. You have just decided to expel her from the group. So the sizzling circle again appears in the world and Nick leans his head out and he goes, I figure you guys might actually need a, like, are you done? I waited like a half second. So it's probably been like an hour in your world,
Starting point is 00:45:32 right? So like, you want to go somewhere now or what's the... Can I sidebar you for a second? Yeah, I was actually going to want to talk to you as well. You can step back into hell with him and have a private conversation. Sorry, does this violate the rules of hell where you cannot return after you've been?
Starting point is 00:45:46 Ooh, good note. Yeah. So yeah, you try to step back in the hell. Boom! Ah, fuck! Like a vampire in the Buffyverse when they try to enter a place when they haven't been.
Starting point is 00:45:54 You guys can use the den. It's over there. I just went down the hall. There's a lazy boy. Don't burn up the lazy boy by being hot on it. You know, you're like on fire and stuff. So just be careful in there. There's shag carpeting.
Starting point is 00:46:03 So I wanted to burn down. Shag carpeting? It's the most burnable room in the world. So Nick steps in and his feet like on fire and stuff so just be careful in there there's shag carpeting so i wanted to burn down the most burnable room in the world nick steps in and his feet are on fire and immediately tries to stamp out his own feet and he goes ah ah my my feet stamp somebody's all right let's give them some space just you guys can talk through this little portal i'm gonna go get a ziploc bag for scary's red vines which she will be taking to go great he heads to the den with you oh yeah i found I found your body, by the way. Oh, you know what? My body is wrapped around him
Starting point is 00:46:27 like in a piggyback pose. Like a backpack. Yeah, he's wearing you like a backpack and he kind of shimmies his shoulders to shrug you off because he can't use his arms. Oh, and it just ragdolls into the ground. Like definitely like shit is bent the wrong way and stuff.
Starting point is 00:46:40 Yeah, yeah. But you can be easily removed and put back onto your normal body. Ah, my old friend. Nick, my man. And he goes, you can have the lazy boy. Nick, my man,
Starting point is 00:46:52 we got a bit of a conundrum here. Our group is split. We can't trust one of our members. She's going her own separate way by her own volition. I need you to quarantine her. We can't have her. She's fucking up all of our plans and I need you to make sure. We can't have her. She's fucking up all of our plans,
Starting point is 00:47:06 and I need you to make sure she can't muck things up because she's working for Willie directly. She's got a direct line with him. She talks with him in her sleep. She talks in her sleep. That might be a separate thing, but she's talking to Willie in her sleep, so we can't trust her.
Starting point is 00:47:21 So you see Nick sort of sit down on the couch, and you get the feeling that if he had his hands, he would be resting them on his chin and like coming thoughtfully. You need me to stroke your chin, dad? Yeah, it helps me think. All right, that's good. Thank you. So you want me to make sure that she can't do
Starting point is 00:47:38 anything when she leaves you. You want me to just like lock her up or something. Yeah. Trap her somewhere. Yes. I could. Why are you saying it like that? I don't know why I'm saying it like that. No, I mean, this is good. I like this. This is, oh,
Starting point is 00:47:49 I just realized this is the first time we've like properly done something together as father and sons, like a plan. We're like coming up with a plan together. I chipped your hand, dad, but. Well, so that was going to bring that up as another thing is
Starting point is 00:47:58 if she's got Willie on her side, I can't guarantee that she'll stay quarantined. Like he can probably find a way to find me. And the last time we fought, it didn't go super well for your dad. When was the last time you fought? And he nods at his arms. And he goes, when that, when this.
Starting point is 00:48:11 Ah. Well, the one, anyway. I'd already lost the one. He got rid of the other one. Well, shit, what are we supposed to do? Dad, I could use some advice right now. There's no anime that I've seen that's prepared me for this.
Starting point is 00:48:20 Well, son, have you watched an anime called Death Note? Oh, well, yes, of course. A classic. You could always, in a sense, write her into your notebook. Or I could for you, if that's what you need. Wait, but which character? I don't see like I had a bunch of fan fiction, so it gets a little bit.
Starting point is 00:48:44 We're both like we're both like we're both like near the beginning of the series when Wait, but which character? I don't see, like, I had a bunch of fan pictures, so it gets a little bit crude up in my head. We're both like... Like, near the beginning of the series when he was still just trying to be a good guy and kill criminals and stuff. You're saying she's a criminal? From what you told me, she sounds like she was a party to murder and she's working for the single worst
Starting point is 00:48:59 person I've ever met. I don't want to kill her. Okay, that's fine. I just wanted to present the option. You live in hell for long enough and your moral standards get a little wobbly, so that's good. Is there anywhere we can put her. Okay, that's fine. That's just one of the options. You live in hell for long enough in your moral standards to get a little wobbly. So that's good. Anywhere we can put her on ice, so to speak there on ice, we could trap her in any of the realms, I guess. And if she can't find a way to get out of them, she might be stuck.
Starting point is 00:49:16 What's the worst realm to abandon someone in that's still safe that we can maybe come back later? Yeah, so it can't be hell because you've already been to hell. So it would have to be either the goof realm, which I don't know how to get there, Earth as I knew it, or here, but it doesn't really do anything. Wait, but if we keep, oh, hold on.
Starting point is 00:49:31 If we keep her on another realm, doesn't there a time dilation effect? Oh, God, yeah. She might be like 40 by the time you get back. Yeah. Oh, hmm. What direction does it go? That's right. It's a short amount of time there is a long amount of time here. What's the safest place on old earth?
Starting point is 00:49:46 Safest place on old earth would probably be with Erin O'Neill and her trees. No, we were down there. That place sucked. You were down there? She was probably not.
Starting point is 00:49:54 That's why you all got out. She's cool. And remind me in the show, how did we end things with Erin? You stole her son. Oh, right.
Starting point is 00:50:01 Poorly. You stole the son and ran away. Her only source of food for her and all of her trees. Yeah, dad, that's cool. I'm right, poorly. You stole the sun and ran away. Her only source of food for her and all of her trees. Yeah, Dad, that's cool. I'm just, you know, just, I take it you haven't been back there? No.
Starting point is 00:50:12 Yeah, that's cool, that's cool. Just take it from me. Probably not a tenable solution. Okay, well, almost everywhere on Earth is really deadly because of the doodler's influence, so. Oh, oh, oh, oh. on Earth is really deadly because of the doodlers' influence. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Starting point is 00:50:24 Is the International Space Station still floating around Earth? Let me do some Googling. Do you know what I'm saying? Is the ISS still up there? Yeah. Or is all satellites... It's going to be 30 years in orbit.
Starting point is 00:50:38 It'll at least be there at 2030, but it'll be crashed intentionally in 2031. So I feel like, yeah, because, yeah, the ISS is still in the sky. So I feel like, yeah, because yeah, the ISS is still in the sky. Why don't we put her in the, well, hold on, hold on, hold on. The doodler's in that realm though. Yeah. Oh, the doodler is blocked access to the sky. It's around her, hasn't it? Yeah. But like, it's like the size of the universe to some extent. It's both like really, really close and really, really far away. So you can't see the moon, but you can see
Starting point is 00:51:01 the ISS. Yeah. What if we put her in space? Okay, I guess we could do that. I don't have a space suit for her. Well, but the ISS has a number. Sure. I guess we could try that. All right. All right, son.
Starting point is 00:51:13 I love this plan. So here's what's going to happen. Now we'll cut to somebody else. Can I roll to save the nightcap from being flushed? Yeah, I think with advantage because it's hard to flush something of that size. It's hard to flush a hat. Let's check if it does flush or not. I'll tell you right now, it did not flush.
Starting point is 00:51:27 It's too big to flush. 16. All right, so 16. So you grab it. Okay, then I grab it. Now it is normal. It is normal's bathroom, so you're both going to have to make
Starting point is 00:51:35 a constitution saving throw for reaching into that toilet. Go ahead and roll con. Saves, both of you. Bro, you got to spend like three weeks in quarantine just like the Apollo astronauts did when you get out of that bathroom. I save. Okay, I got 14. We'll call that a save. Okay, you gotta spend like three weeks in quarantine just like the Apollo astronauts did when you get out of that bathroom
Starting point is 00:51:46 dog. I save. Okay. I got 14. We'll call that a save. Okay, that's close enough. Okay, so yes, go ahead and try to take it from her. Give me sleight of hand. Scary, give me a pose, sleight of hand. I got 16. Okay, great. So you try to grasp at the hat. She moves it out of the way. Your hands
Starting point is 00:52:02 keep going and you smash her hands. Are piss boys' fingers slippery from piss? You know what happens is with your one, you miss, you slip, your hands your hands keep going and you smash your fingers slippery from piss you know what happens is with your one you miss you slip your hands go into the toilet and you piss yourself i piss myself yeah your brain is just so used to being in my bathroom it's like hot water when you sleep and guess what link i did pee and i didn't flush i've just been drinking a lot of liquid so it's clear i'm just super hydrated my kidneys are fucking killing it link just tries to hold back a single elijah wood tear from the fellowship of the ring and he goes it's fine scary i'm i'm glad i'm glad you went to the bathroom that's
Starting point is 00:52:39 it's fine fine i just walk out there and you pass out taylor who gives you like a thumbs up and i turn around to tay. I go, yeah. Yeah, this is my pee, too, just so you all know. This is my pee. I peed myself. That's okay, man. I got some... I got... I wasn't asking if it's okay or not okay. I was just letting you all know, because I'm just trying to keep the circle of trust here.
Starting point is 00:52:57 I'll go ahead and wash those for you, honey, so you don't track it around my home. Sure. Sure. I take off my pants. Okay. I shouldn't take off, I take off my pants. Okay. I shouldn't take off my underwear. No, I got a long shirt on.
Starting point is 00:53:08 I just take off everything. You're with even pooing it? I don't need to worry about the long shirt. I hold, I hold my underwear and my, Norma has some underwear, spare underwear to get you. I got you,
Starting point is 00:53:17 man. I got you. I'm holding my underwear and my, and my pants out to her. Okay. So she, thank you so much. Oh God.
Starting point is 00:53:22 And she takes them away and she goes, Norma, can you, can you get some of your underwear and some of your your pants yeah for sure for sure thanks for the shasta and uh you can just tell me how much the door will cost and you just send the invoice to my house i guess okay i'm not gonna do that that's okay it'll be kids it's not a big deal and she goes and you hear the dish you get the laundry yeah we wash this with our food. All right, scary. Well, I hope Willie is better than this guy. And I point to myself because,
Starting point is 00:53:48 uh, yeah, I walk away. Nick leans on the door jam of the den and he looks at all of you attempting to walk away. I was going to walk into their conversation. Oh yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:53:57 Sure. That's funny. Yeah. So you walk into their conversations. They're coming up with this plan and you have no shirt on and you smell like this. Wow. I peed myself.
Starting point is 00:54:06 Okay. I don't think you need to be a part of this conversation. And Scary's leaving. Yeah, she is. All right. And he fucking fist bumps you. Fist bump my dad. Fist bumps you so hard.
Starting point is 00:54:17 I have such a good relationship with my dad. We love each other so much. So tight. Cool. Dad's hooking it up. Yeah. Don't worry. I got an idea.
Starting point is 00:54:24 Hey, Scary. What? Do you want to get out of this popsicle joint? You want to blow this popsicle salesman? each other so much so tight cool dad's hooking it up yeah don't worry i got an idea hey scary what do you want to get out of this popsicle joint you want to blow this popsicle salesman yeah i want to get out of here all right so he uses his horn to carve another portal into the world. And this one, you can see, lands back in a quasi-familiar spot of this universe, so you think. And he goes, after you. I'd be suspicious of him. I think you would be rightfully suspicious. Yeah. Can I roll?
Starting point is 00:54:57 Insight. Yeah. I got an 18. Wow. So you know exactly what it is. You can immediately see that what he's showing you is the window out of the International Space Station. He put the portal so close to the window that he was hoping you would just see the doodler's body
Starting point is 00:55:11 and think that you were anywhere on Earth, but now you can see the reflection in the light and see the corpses of the other ISS astronauts just floating around aimlessly in the fucking ISS. No thanks. I'll show myself out. I cast my cantrip poison spray at him. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:55:25 What? Great. So he failed his constitution saving throw. Scary, don't mace my dad. So you mace him with this poison, piss-smelling mist. And he goes, ow, fuck, ow, fuck, ah.
Starting point is 00:55:35 And he leans over in pain, and his head is on the other side of the portal. And he goes, oh, fuck, Jesus Christ. His head goes through the portal, and he knocks the back of his head against the window of the International Space Station. You see cracks begin to form.
Starting point is 00:55:48 And when he hits his head against there, he falls unconscious. And as he falls unconscious, he can no longer keep the portal up and it bisects him. What? And so his legs are just sort of hanging out in your room and the rest of his body is on the other side.
Starting point is 00:56:00 At his hips? Yeah, at his hips. Darth Maul style? Yes, he's Darth Maul'd in front of you. Oh, maybe. Cool. Darth Maul style? Yes, he's Darth Mauled in front of you. Oh, cool. I'm going to be out here. Maybe with my help, Willie and I can even the scales against the mayor.
Starting point is 00:56:13 I walk out the front door. Dad! As she's stepping out, I'm seeing that you cut my dad. Well, I guess my dad cut his own head off accidentally. She was indirectly responsible for his death. For yet another death. Also his stump and the rest of his body fall
Starting point is 00:56:25 down and are leaking blood onto your shag carpet. Oh god! I'm gonna cast Spike Growth outside the door so that Scary can't just walk away from this. Okay. It's difficult terrain, piercing damage every five feet that the creature travels. So I think what it is, is I see Scary trying to just
Starting point is 00:56:41 walk away from this and I kind of lean out the window and I deploy my caltrops all outside towards the FBI and in between where she's walking. Great. I feel like the reason
Starting point is 00:56:51 I didn't get a chance to react was because I was putting on Normals underwear so that I don't look naked. Thank you, Solis O. Garcia.
Starting point is 00:56:57 And I'm going to try to get in front of the door. Do we want her to leave or not? What are you guys doing? You guys are so obsessed with making a decision and something coming from it but then you can't even make up your minds about whether or not you want her to leave or not? What are you guys doing? You guys are so obsessed with making a decision
Starting point is 00:57:05 and something coming from it, but then you can't even make up your minds about whether or not you want me to get out of here. So I'm going to get out of here. Well, Scary, I've made a decision, okay? And the decision is we gave you an option and you didn't take it. And now you're dangerous.
Starting point is 00:57:18 So you're not going anywhere. That's my decision. You're staying here. We don't trust you and I can't let you go because Willie's dangerous. So yeah, good luck. You're not going anywhere. We haven't had a long rest, so I can't do any spells. I feel like when you get a red vine,
Starting point is 00:57:32 a red vine and a shasta is a short rest and a red vine is a long rest. You're not leaving. That's it. Like, you wanted a choice, but now that we're on ops ends, you're dangerous to us. You're not leaving. If you want to get through us, you'll have to kill me okay i guess i'll make myself at home i cast fireball all our days whisked away but is there something more to say you know that no one knows us better
Starting point is 00:57:59 than ourselves you should tell myself it'll be all right pretty lies that we sleep at night Thank you. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons & Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe. Thank you. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by a Patreon that consists of fine members, such as Patty McMillian, Tatiana Harnos-Jameson, Kun Mermans, Andrew Baer, Kai Newell, Scott Early,
Starting point is 00:59:33 Fabes, Kim Hulleberger, Brian DeRoche, Parker Rowell, Tanner Ely, Matthew P, Logan Shook, Ethan, and Clint. If you're looking to support this show directly and skip out on our hilarious ads, you can do that by becoming a Patreon supporter. You can join in on live listens every new episode released in our community Discord. You get ad-free episodes, and that's on top of the hours of bonus content there to fill your ear holes. Some of you may be binged through and are caught up now. Well, let me direct you towards our Patreon, where there's way, way more stuff to listen to, watch, and enjoy.
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Starting point is 01:00:19 Our next episode, that's coming out April 11th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Brave where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say
Starting point is 01:00:37 Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way.

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