Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 31 - Halt and Catch Fireball

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

The teens resolve some internal issues.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads...!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Out with the piss, how did it end up like this? There was never a piss, there was never a piss Now I'm falling asleep, Emily's breaking the door While I'm saying I failed, Willie's asking what for Now he's yelling at me, and my tummy still hurts And it's all up to me, but my friends are foes Now they want me to go, now I won't go And I just killed Nick with poison spray
Starting point is 00:00:57 I'm taking control Enemies, I'll crush this fake soccer team I'll show Willie I am smart Punish dummies with a heart But my tummy still hurts bad The world will know I have no doubt Get ready to ring my balls. Cause I just cast fireball. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a PDSM podcast.
Starting point is 00:01:55 That's right, it's a piss podcast, everyone. We talk about pee all the time. Every episode, talking about pee, urination. It's an obsession of ours. We love it. It's the only thing that keeps us going. It gets me up in the morning. First thing I do when I get out of bed, I piss a big ol' pot of piss right
Starting point is 00:02:09 in my ol' porcelain throne, and that's what we all do. That's right. We're just piss machines here. We also play Dungeons & Dragons on the side. Right before this, we were like, why didn't we get invited to the Dungeons & Dragons Honor Among Thieves premiere when all the other big podcasts did? It's because we're not a dnd podcast that
Starting point is 00:02:26 mercer won't talk about piss on his podcast but i will so fuck him and fuck you too what's he hiding really quick though do you all do you all pee first thing when you wake up now yeah of course i even wake up in the middle of the night to pee slow down slow down what do you mean that's how much i love it yeah dude i can't even sleep six hours straight without getting a piss that used to not be the thing. Like, before the pandemic, you didn't pee? No, I peed, but not first. First thing when I woke up, I, like, fucking pulled out my Switch and, like, played a few games or something.
Starting point is 00:02:52 What? What? You game before pee? Yeah, up until, like, 30. What? Once I hit 30, now I go straight to pee. Yeah, dude, I don't have to start right away. I got stuff to do before I got to pee.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Your body actually wanted to pee the entire time, but your game regime just overrode it i'd fucking go up and get like coffee before i peed in the morning that's insane first thing when i woke up not now now we're gonna i'm gonna have ashley do a twitter as a healthy prostate having young man i peed first and now i pee first and now i pee when i'm asleep as well yeah yeah, yeah. I also wake up. I don't have any of those things but I pee all the time. Okay, all right. You're in it for the love of the game. Love of the game.
Starting point is 00:03:29 I really am. It's a passion project for me. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the rock and roll ranger of the group. I do have to pee but I'm going to try to hold it in
Starting point is 00:03:38 for the rest of the recording. The rock and roll ranger of the group? No, I mean, he met Glenn now. Now he's getting some of that vibes rubbed off. Yeah, he and Glenn really hit it off.
Starting point is 00:03:47 I think in his mind they did. Taylor's teen fact for this week, irrespective of, we don't know which way this is. This is going to be a buck wild episode. I'm feeling my fucking bones. I don't know which way this episode is going to go. However, I would just like to establish canonically that Taylor's never seen an anime adaptation
Starting point is 00:04:02 or the Pixar movie onward. That's all. Specifically, anything that might happen. With a father figure severed legs. With a father figure severed legs. It's new. It's all new. Onward didn't make it, huh?
Starting point is 00:04:15 It didn't make the canon. That classic. Also, Johnny didn't make it in real life. The dinosaur did. Weird. But, you know, that's all I got. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid,
Starting point is 00:04:26 protective paladin of the group. Super simple fact about Lincoln. I just realized that I said brunch was his favorite meal. I don't think I ever said what his favorite snack is. And he is a snacky boy. He does love. He does not love Charleston Chew's, though. His favorite snack.
Starting point is 00:04:38 And he's been on withdrawal of this for a while because he's ran out. Salary with ranch dressing. Nope. Spaghetti. Nope. Chocolate-cover covered espresso beans he is hyped up all the time this explains so much time he loves it he doesn't like coffee but he's been such a cranky little boy he's a little cranky now he's been out of that caffeine he needs that
Starting point is 00:04:57 caffeine he doesn't know that he's addicted to caffeine but he's very he also has a headache right now very bad headache he's been taking a lot of naps and he has a huge headache all the time. You know how you have those like little, like Freddie has one, like a little thing on your key chain to hold pills. Yeah. Okay. Stop. Freddie does it for other reasons.
Starting point is 00:05:13 Hard stop. I need to clarify. That is for my earplugs because places can get loud and hearing damage is permanent. What you said there, Matt, makes me sound like I'm a fucking user. Lactate or anything. Never think. Freddie, this is 2023. People have anti-anxiety pills
Starting point is 00:05:26 in their little pill things. People got non-drugs in their waterproof drug container. I'm not lying to that party. Drugs with his ear. Oh, yeah. Whatever you got, use those ear plugs at the loud library, you fucking liar. Going to raves. Anyways, espresso beats. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play
Starting point is 00:05:42 normal. Perpy, peppy, pippy, chirpy, chippy, scoopy, doopy, doopy, doopy, school spirit mascot. Oh, he had a stroke. Scoopy doopy. He's down. Will's down. Fun fact about normal this week. I think I mentioned that he's only on Pinterest.
Starting point is 00:05:52 That's his only social media. He does follow, like, Pinterest is really big with those return guys that have, like, the fucking Greek statue fucking avatars that are like, I'm the cultural critic or whatever. Do you guys know this? No. I'm doing a reference for nobody what are you talking about the secret white supremacist the fucking losers on tour i was like this is what they took from you or then there's like the low-key ones who are like you
Starting point is 00:06:14 know like oh well like you know remember when buildings used to have columns oh yeah like they used to do renaissance painting so like everyone follows a lot of those guys on pinterest but like now their whole return thing is like about like returning to like when men look like K-pop stars, like, cause it's like the timelines moved up. So normal's like, man,
Starting point is 00:06:32 thanks to, and all the fascism goes right over his head. He's just like, that's kind of fun. Like it's like an old school aesthetic. I could get into that. Maybe I should have made normal. The one getting indoctrinated by,
Starting point is 00:06:41 I was like, no joke. When we were doing the pizza stuff thing if you had gone in a more Warhammer direction with like Papa John's I was gonna have normal soul thing be like these uniforms are great marching with such perfect order
Starting point is 00:06:55 meeting your mom I feel like normal will be susceptible to joining a group joining a group and then also like moving in rigid lockstep to music. That's more fascist than not fascist.
Starting point is 00:07:10 Not listening to them is kind of its own form of fascism. Wow. I'm Beth May susceptible to cults in real life and I play
Starting point is 00:07:17 Scary Marlow who is a goth She's scary again. She's not booing. She's scary. She just kept fireball. Yeah. Who is a goth punk seeker of darkness scary again. She's not booing. She just kept fireball, dude. Yeah, I can't boo.
Starting point is 00:07:25 Who is a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks? Fun fact about scary this week is that up until like six, seven months ago, maybe a year at the outer reaches of time, for the last like year or so, all of her teacher's comments at the bottom of the report card have been exactly the same for every teacher. Before that, they used to kind of vary like, oh, Scary doesn't do well in math, but she's a good listener.
Starting point is 00:07:58 Or, oh, Scary needs to not, you know, speak up so much because she is very opinionated, but otherwise a pleasure to have in class. But now they all just say a pleasure to have in class because there's definitely some sort of violent coercion going on with the teachers from Scary. She's definitely threatening them in some capacity. You're saying that Scary is compromise on every teacher? Every teacher. She finds their alt accounts. Yep. That's what you're saying.
Starting point is 00:08:27 She knows all the teachers' alt accounts. Yep. They're all about statues being cooler back in the day. Can I do some personal promo too? Yeah, of course. I, Beth May,
Starting point is 00:08:38 not Scarys, I have a poetry album coming out. It's going to be coming out like three days after you hear this episode. So it's April 14th and it's called Sunday Scaries. No relation to my character in this podcast, but it's a cool little poetry album. I've been working really hard on it for a long time and I'm so excited about it. You can get it on any. Yeah, really quick. What is a poetry album? So I do
Starting point is 00:09:01 spoken word, which is like poetry, but you say it because you're obnoxious and then it's also got like some cool music i've been working with this producer blaine stark and he's amazing he's a hip-hop producer you have to be with a name like blaine stark i mean yeah and um i think it sounds really unique for a spoken word album and a spoken word album is just a poetry music album so beth you've been working on this album for a while, right? A while, yeah. And yet you've only been playing Scary for a couple years. That's true. And you did name your character Scary.
Starting point is 00:09:31 I did. So it seems like this could be long con, cross promotional strategy going on. You're right, you're right. She's just trying to get money for daddy stuff without involving us. Yeah, she's just trying to like, we should be getting the cut of that album.
Starting point is 00:09:43 That's what I'm saying. No, it just means that you should release a fucking Normal Oak poetry album. And plus, it's going to be, like, on all streaming platforms, which means I'm not going to get, like, basically any money for it.
Starting point is 00:09:54 So it'll be fine. You're doing Tidal? You're going to be on Tidal? What's that? Jay-Z. Jay-Z's streaming music platform, Tidal? Listen, if I can get there via DistroKid,
Starting point is 00:10:03 I'm sure that it will be there yeah I will be on the Jeremy Renner app as well that's Sunday Scaries coming out April 14th thank you so much I'm so excited none of us have gotten advanced review copies yet just check your emails like tomorrow and then just leave me alone Beth didn't ask for a blur, but I did give her one, and I didn't see it on your Instagram post. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad.
Starting point is 00:10:30 Hello. So I guess this is not dissimilar from the promotion that we just heard, but I've realized that if the EGOT exists, then its inverse must also exist. And I think I am well on my way to getting that. What is the inverse? The inverse EGOT is you have to have written in four different culturally despised art forms
Starting point is 00:10:51 and then not win an award for any of them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I believe that. In my opinion, that is video games, podcasts, porn, and... Despised, sure. Comics. Video games, podcasts, porn, and comics. I thought comics i was gonna say like youtube like stream no no no no because you got mr beast he made he made people not blind
Starting point is 00:11:11 again because culture loves that but yeah so uh somebody reached out being like hey how do i write in video games and he said that like oh i write gay porn right now i would like to maybe you know trade upwards and do video game stuff and i I was like, I will tell you literally everything you need to know if you tell me everything about gay porn. And we talked a little bit about it. And then I basically ended the conversation by being like, hey, if your boss ever needs like, you know, somebody to just give you a script for free. And he was like, okay, I'll ask him.
Starting point is 00:11:36 And his boss was like, yeah, hell yeah. I got a script I don't have to pay anybody. So I've written. Talk about working for exposure. Yeah. Hey. So I've written a script. They asked me repeatedly, what pseudonym would Yeah. Hey. So I've written a script.
Starting point is 00:11:46 They asked me repeatedly, what pseudonym would you like to use? I said, Anthony Burch. Yes. You motherfucker. Oh my God. I love that. So yeah, if it gets produced,
Starting point is 00:11:57 I will let you know. I will link to it on my Twitter. Oh, I'm so excited about this. Yeah, me too. How long is the script? The script is eight pages. In the middle, there's a part that says they do the sex now. Oh.
Starting point is 00:12:09 So it's like two. You have to direct how they have sex. It was the context. That's actually the first thing I look at in the game. It is not dissimilar from running for video games. It's like, this is the setup. This is the payoff. And in the middle, ah. Gameplay.
Starting point is 00:12:19 Gameplay. Gameplay. Gameplay. So when we last left you, Scary was about to leave the group to go join Willie, but you, after kicking her out of the group, were like, wait a second, maybe we shouldn't let her go to go to Willie,
Starting point is 00:12:36 and you tried to block her from leaving. And Scary lost her temper. Well, maybe not lost her temper. That makes it sound like she's hysterical. She's hysterical. Get a hold of yourself. The logical and much mulled over decision to cast Fireball at you at its highest level. And we didn't want to just not let her leave.
Starting point is 00:12:51 It was more like she is now the enemy. So we were like, she can't leave in the same way that if you're James Bond and Alex Trevelle or whatever is there. Trevelyan, please. Trevelyan, goddammit. Alex Trevelyan is there. You got to stop it from getting
Starting point is 00:13:05 to jeopardy yeah we're like no we can't have like a competing spy trying to get that this secret agent is about to get killed under my watch yes who is James Bond
Starting point is 00:13:14 correct also what happened was Taylor and Nick had come up with a plan to strand scary in the International Space Station yeah by opening a portal. Which, on paper. On paper is a very good idea.
Starting point is 00:13:29 But Scary, quite reasonably, second-guessed your plan, realized that it was a portal heading to the International Space Station, hit Nick with poison mist, and Nick accidentally knocked his head on the inside of the International Space Station, caused a crack in the window, and went unconscious, which caused his portal to close and bisect him. He's a demon, so he may not be dead. He may be dead. Who knows? Either way, no one on Reddit is going to like it. Gotta love all the bisexual representation on this.
Starting point is 00:13:52 You're on top of these puns. Wow, William! You've been missing out on fuck puns this whole season. Oh, also, everybody has leveled up because you broke the second anchor. I forgot to mention that last episode. So you were leveled up again. We leveled up off camera, off mic mic sometimes we do prep not while the cameras are
Starting point is 00:14:08 running it's rare obviously we're in combat now because scary cast fireball before we do initiative everyone who's near scary uh it's within 150 feet so i assume that's basically the whole house yeah that's the house fireball's 150 feet well sorry the range. Fargo's 150 feet? Well, sorry, the range for hitting somebody is 150 feet. The blast damage is not 150. Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I apologize. I misunderstood. No, no.
Starting point is 00:14:31 She cast it from, you know, three feet or whatever. I was the only one in front of the door. The radius is 20 feet. Now, is this like Goldeneye rockets, or is this like the new Counter-Strike 2 where the smoke, like, you know, doesn't go through walls and stuff? Because Goldeneye, 20 feet would be like
Starting point is 00:14:45 around. What the fuck are you asking? I completely understand what you're saying. Yes. In Goldeneye if you were hiding behind a
Starting point is 00:14:49 small solid object there would be no blast damage you would take from anything that happened on the other side of that wall whereas in Counter-Strike you can get hurt by splash
Starting point is 00:14:57 damage from walls. The fire spreads around corners it ignites flammable objects. Oh there you go. So it will spread around corners. Which way was scary
Starting point is 00:15:03 facing? The door. I was facing the red vines and i was covering them up with my body i was standing in front of the door and scary was looking at me nobody else had come to the door so like she's throwing the fireball at me you got so like if scary doesn't get hit you wouldn't get hit because your folks were behind her unless scary cast it backwards at us i feel like scary will get hit i don't feel like Scary was 20 feet away from you when she did this. So what I'm going to do is, first, Matt, you're going to roll a dexterity saving throw. 14.
Starting point is 00:15:31 Yeah, so you save. Okay. Okay, so you are going to take 5d6. 5d6. 5d6. 5d6 damage. The blast is going to hit Scary as well, so Scary, go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. 23.
Starting point is 00:15:43 Ooh, okay. Damn. So both of you are going to take 5d6 fireball damage the fire is going to blow back against the walls backdraft if one might i'm going to roll that's not a backdraft i know i know it's not i'm going to roll constitution for the walls to see if they get oh the walls got a two so the walls are going to explode outward as well flaming bits of drywall everywhere flaming asbestos a drywall will popcorn ceilings oh i mean it's got shag carpet in a den with a lazy boy i feel like popcorn ceilings oh i didn't realize shag you pick the most flammable possible
Starting point is 00:16:15 setup for this thing taylor and normal you're both behind walls debris is coming at you so you're also going to give me some dexterity saving but you will take reduced damage even if you do where are we the we? The living room, right? Trying to push Scary. I feel like you have like a... We're always behind Scary, right? Like running to like Scary wait, no, like that kind of thing. Scary absorbs all my damage. Okay, so you're behind Scary then, in which case, yeah, you're close enough to get hit.
Starting point is 00:16:35 I figured the conflict was like in the living room, and then there's a little entryway for the door. We were in the entryway. That makes sense. We're still in the living room. I got a 16. 12 plus 4, 16. Okay, so everybody is going to take 5d6 damage because you all saved. The house is now also on fire. The fire is spreading across the shag carpet. You hear a scream from upstairs, which is your mother.
Starting point is 00:16:55 Mom! Where's Hermie? Oh, yeah. Hermie should save. Hermie save. Hermie save. Save 16. He's fine.
Starting point is 00:17:02 He takes 20 damage as well. He's like, you guys only remember me when... It's time to get hit? Yeah. Take damage. I took 16. He's fine. He takes 20 damage as well. Hermie's like, you guys only remember me when... It's time to get hit? Yeah. Take damage. I took 16. 21. God.
Starting point is 00:17:10 I got 22. 15. Now we are going to roll initiative. Scary, you did the most damage to yourself. That's how anger works. I'm telling you something. How thematic. I wonder if that's thematically relevant.
Starting point is 00:17:22 I got a 14 initiative. Initiative. I got an 11. 21. Taylor, 12 plus one, 13 initiative. I will roll for Hermie, the unworthy. Got an eight, so he's going to be going last. And I will roll for Mama Oak, Garcia Swallows.
Starting point is 00:17:35 Ooh. Ooh. Mama Oak's in the battle. Who came to the rescue of the dads in season one with the guns? That was Mercedes and Carol. Carol was the one with like the guns that was mercedes and carol carol was the one who brought the guns no i do feel like lark probably has a bunch of guns john wick stashed around this house and she probably knows where they are damn like john wick he's 60 and super slow and doesn't
Starting point is 00:17:55 look good when he's shooting oh the bait i sprinkled for not fucking spruck matt loved john wick that loves the the John Wick universe so much. We keep telling him he can't talk about it on the podcast. Spin, spin, shoot, shoot. The JWCU. The JWCU. Wow, I attended that university. Okay, so normal, it is your turn.
Starting point is 00:18:17 You go first. I've been wanting to do this for fucking five episodes in a row. If I'm going to do it, no kids stopping. Normal cast banishment on scary. Okay. Doesn't this last like one second? It lasts one minute, just like me. Okay.
Starting point is 00:18:30 When I'm concentrating, just like the spell. You last one minute when you're concentrating. Roughly a three-punk jump. Aw. You attempt to summon one creature you can see within range to another plane of existence, just like I do when I'm having sex. This creature, they must succeed on a charisma saving throw or be banished, just like me, after I'm having sex. This creature, they must succeed on a charisma saving throw or be banished just like me after I come too soon.
Starting point is 00:18:50 If your target is native to the plane of existence, you banish the hard to get to a harmless demi plane. So she has to make a charisma saving throw. All right, go ahead, do that. Come on. And what do I have to be? A 14. Ooh, a 15.
Starting point is 00:19:04 Normal goes, get out. Oh, I'm back! Normal goes, get out of here, scary! And I do like a Hadouken to banish you to another realm and then I guess it just ripples ineffectually. Oh, banish me? You want me to go? Yeah, I want you to go!
Starting point is 00:19:15 You suck! You're blowing my house up! How many houses are you gonna fuck up? Oh, wow. Well, I don't know. This house is on fire so I might just, you know, go outside,
Starting point is 00:19:24 hang out with my pal. So it is your mom's turn. Mom! Your mom is going to... Mom, my friend blew up the house! Call for mommy, yeah. I will! Your mommy is going to grab a fire extinguisher and try to attack the flames with them.
Starting point is 00:19:38 And she's going, oh, my sweet baby boy, get away from the... Stop it, upper wall, if you get... Oh, God, she got a nine. Oh, sorry, somebody left a candle on. So mama Oak Garcia swallows is going to attack the fire a little bit and do a bit of
Starting point is 00:19:52 damage, but it is still going to keep spreading around her. It spreads into the kitchen now and you can hear from outside the law enforcement agents go,
Starting point is 00:19:59 Hey, what's going on? We see fire. What's going on guys? Call it fire. Come on. What do you mean? Come on,
Starting point is 00:20:04 do something about it we should but didn't link kill a bunch of firemen oh shit that's great staring a thousand thousand yard stare law enforcement hears you talking about fire department oh great fire department okay we're calling the fire department they're coming they're on their way thanks to freddie canonically he's established that they are the worst fire department in the entire city if you remember because i want the fire department in the entire city. If you remember because I wanted the fire department to come and Freddy was like oh they take 20 minutes or something.
Starting point is 00:20:29 What Dungeons and Daddies takes away in the form of a player saying something about a fire department gives in the form of your DM telling you that red vines is equivalent to a long rest. But Scary's definitely holding on to the red vines right now. So Mama's turn ends and Scary you notice you feel a power coming into you from outside.
Starting point is 00:20:47 And as long as you are connected to Willy, which you currently are, he is going to basically turn you into a sort of legendary monster. In terms of you will be able to take a legendary action, additional legendary action on your turn after somebody else's turn. And you get one legendary resistance for the whole fight. Well, that's nice. So yeah, you can take two turns during this entire go and you get
Starting point is 00:21:08 to choose when you do it. Oh, also on your extra turn, you can do anything below a fifth level spell. Matt, well, don't worry. Beth doesn't know how to play D&D. I know. Yeah. Freddy, that really hurt my feelings. I don't think it did. That really hurt. I don't think it did. La la la la.
Starting point is 00:21:23 I got my fingers in my ears. I don't think it did. Well, why don't you't think it did. La, la, la, la, la. I got my fingers in my ears. I don't think it did. Well, why don't you just use your little earplugs that you bring with you? Oh! Oh! Oh! Your medicinal earplugs. Taylor, roll Constitution saving throw. Taylor's got me to roll the 17 plus 320.
Starting point is 00:21:40 Okay, Taylor could handle what Freddie could not. Matt, it is your turn. Dude, I know this is serious because I'm looking over Matt's shoulder right now across the room and he's got the fucking D&D spells up and that right thumb is a-scrolling. You know what I'm saying, Will? You know what I'm saying, dog? He's hunting for some spells.
Starting point is 00:21:58 Dog, he's like a fucking wizard in a tower leaping through some codexes right now, my dude. Fucking Gandalf riding in that library gandalf right into that library the fucking the camera's moving all weird and dutch and shit as he like reads books and just like gandalf i'm gonna stare at scary and say i hold my turn okay when did he do that i think gandalf did nothing but hold his turn in those fucking movies brb i gotta go to library brb i gotta fall down this fucking big tower now yeah Oh, OK. When did he do that? I think Gandalf did nothing but hold his turn in those fucking. Yeah, BRB.
Starting point is 00:22:25 I got to go to library BRB. I got to fall down this fucking tower now. Yeah. Now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor takes one look at his dad's severed legs and thinks that like scary killed his dad. He's going all out. I think he's going to cast Zephyr Strike and attack scary from behind. OK, is he going to say Zephyr Strike all fun like he normally does?
Starting point is 00:22:45 Dude, no. Dude, no. That's how you know it's real, dude. You had one good conversation with your dad, so now you care. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, Taylor's got allegiances, you know? If Taylor moves like the wind, until the spell ends, my movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks.
Starting point is 00:22:59 I give myself advantage on one attack roll on your turn once before the spell ends. Deals an extra 1d8 which i assume i can just do that right now right it's his energy bonus action i don't see why you wouldn't okay so i'm gonna zephyr strike and then i'm going to short sword scary okay i get a 13 plus 4 17 that will beat scary's ac and then 3 plus 3 6 okay and then also for zephyr Strike I get a 1d8 addition so that's another 5 so 11 damage to Scary Okay. Like Scary what the fuck Wow. And I swing the sword down like super hard and I'm like clasping it and I'm like
Starting point is 00:23:32 and like fucking cool metal music. Shit it's like when Naruto fought Sasuke dude. Right? That's a thing? Is that one? Did I get that right? I'm gonna let you stew in it. Alright Scary it's your turn. Oh Taylor that really hurt. Oh, man.
Starting point is 00:23:47 Like, you wouldn't believe how much this hurt. Don't care. Oh, I wish you could feel it. Guys, we got gang up on her. I cast Vampiric Touch. The touch of your shadow-wreathed hand can siphon life force from others to heal your wounds. Make a melee spell attack against a creature within your reach.
Starting point is 00:24:07 On a hit, the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage. It's actually 5d6 because you're higher level. 5d6 necrotic damage. And you regain hit points equal to half the amount of necrotic damage dealt. I'd like to see you try to hit me. 25? Does that hit? Hey, Freddy, does that hit?
Starting point is 00:24:24 It's like so hard it's mid monologue it's like come on i see you're trying to cast a spell one three all right so you're can i say what it is you can always like that thing in do you remember temple of doom when they like oh numbs you bow and um yeah he's like putting the hand and then the fingers go into their chest yeah she's got this like slash across her back and you see it seal up and then the fingers go into their chest. She's got this slash across her back and you see it seal up and then you see it open on you. Do you know what I mean? That's fine.
Starting point is 00:24:48 That's very cool. It's temporary. So how much damage does it do? You're going to take 5d6 necrotic. 16 damage. And sorry, really quick, what is necrotic damage? It's just for if you're susceptible
Starting point is 00:25:00 to certain kinds of damage. It doesn't do anything special on its own. It's like a gluten allergy. Yeah, pretty much. So I get eight hit points back? You get eight hit points back. Wow, I did it right. I'm going to take my extra turn. It doesn't do anything special on its own. It's like a gluten allergy. I get eight hit points back. Wow, I did it right. I'm going to take my extra turn. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to cast Blur on myself.
Starting point is 00:25:12 Your body becomes blurred. Literally, you could hear two synapses firing in sync from across the room. Both of your synapses. It's like two people piloting one really dumb Jaeger. Your body becomes the band blur, shifting and wavering to all who can see you. For the duration any creature has disadvantage
Starting point is 00:25:37 on attack rolls against you. For a minute. What is it, concentration? Yeah. So she can't cast anything else while she's doing it. She cannot cast another concentration spell. Oh, I see. Right now you have disadvantage on all attack rolls against her
Starting point is 00:25:49 unless you have true sight. I don't think any of you do. Can I just say, just friends here in the room, it's just so nice to continually be learning about D&D as we continue to play. I think so. Yeah. It's nice.
Starting point is 00:25:59 It's just like a lifelong pursuit. We're not just players. We're also students. And we're always learning. Students of the game. So it is Hermie's turn unless you would like to take your're also students. And we're always learning. Students of the game. So it is Hermes' turn unless you would like to take your turn, Link.
Starting point is 00:26:07 And I'll wait to see what Hermes does. Heal me, Hermes! Okay. Hermes goes, and he runs up the stairs. And you do not see him. He just ran? He just used his full move
Starting point is 00:26:17 to sprint up the stairs because he is panicked seeing all the people that he likes fighting one another. He says that. He goes, I'm panicked. All you guys are fighting one another
Starting point is 00:26:24 and I like you all. You like me a lot? I like most of another. He says that. He goes, I'm panicked. All you guys are fighting one another and I like you all. You like me a lot? I like most of you. He runs up. He runs upstairs and out of the scene for now. Normal roll perception. I got a 14.
Starting point is 00:26:37 Okay. You can see that after Hermie ran up the stairs, there's something on the stairs behind him. A small thing, like a small size of a small like size of a credit card so that is the end of the initiative order if you want to go matt now would be the time or you lose the turn yes i will go link is obviously slightly burning because the fireball
Starting point is 00:26:55 hit him he's uh he's not bloodied yet though so he's okay all the clothes burned off the link no no uh most of them though whatever looks cool that's what's happening okay okay okay he looks at everything that's happened so far and he's going to move past scary towards you taylor okay you're gonna take an opportunity attack okay well she can attack me then uh on the way before i cross her though i just look at scary and i say i say you're going to have to kill me i'm not going to hurt you and i do lay on hands on scary wow to heal however much she has left. Cool. So how much do you have left? I have 40 lay on hands.
Starting point is 00:27:27 Oh, wow. Okay. So you're back up to full health. Scary. And then how much I have left. Cause I'll use that on Taylor later. You are minus 33.
Starting point is 00:27:34 I think I look at Taylor. I go, don't worry. I got a little something extra for you too. What are you doing? Link? What are you doing? So she can attack me,
Starting point is 00:27:41 but I say, yeah, I say, you're gonna have to kill me, but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna heal her first. And then you walk but i'm not gonna watch the passion of the christ does mrs swallow zocarsia have any like neat knickknacks trinkets like you know like this pottery shelf or anything like that yeah absolutely like what does she have i think she's got icons of every single religion i think she's got even the new ones yeah yeah even
Starting point is 00:28:04 the new ones she's got like a something the new ones. She's got like a, something she got off Etsy, which was like a donkey and an elephant, like holding hands, like arms around each other's shoulders. Like we can't coexist. She's probably also got a lot of cats. She's got a sign that says coexist and a hand's coming out.
Starting point is 00:28:16 And then another sign that says we can't coexist. And those two things are shaking hands. That's so fucking good. That's so fucking good. That's so fucking good. Why can't those two sides come together? She got that. That one is as big as a sword and it's on the wall. Fuck, that's so good, dude.
Starting point is 00:28:38 The family crest. We need to make that merch. That's so good. That's so insane. I think like if there's... We need to make that merch. That's so good. That's so insane. I think if there's like religious iconography,
Starting point is 00:28:48 scary grabs, like a statue that's for like Scientology 2. And maybe it's like a volcano, but it's like more people this time. It's Tom Cruise jumping the volcano in a motorcycle. Oh, thanks, Link. By the way, we can't coexist. And she hits him with i'm just gonna do a like a melee attack okay oh fuck a natural 2024 all right well you only did a you know it was
Starting point is 00:29:14 an arm right though right it is a crit so it's gonna be double the normal damage but your normal damage with this is gonna be like a three three and six okay so you take nine damage link as the hot hot hot tip of the volcano, specifically the little Xenu coming out of it that like really drags a scratch across. It's so chibi. It scratches a scratch against your cheek. It's actually Z2.
Starting point is 00:29:35 Oh, yeah. It's like X2. It's like X2. Mutants United. I go, oh! Nope. I told myself, I'm not going to go down to your levels, Gary.
Starting point is 00:29:43 And I really, I'm like tearing up. It's like, these aren't from sad. These are from you hit my nose. And also the tears get into the cut and they make them stink. It extra hurts. All right, it is Normal's turn again.
Starting point is 00:29:54 Normal moved by this beautiful display from his one-time best friend, Link. The coexist mark has embedded on my cheek. When you release it, you see it. No, it's a volcano, man. It just says code. I am going to do two things. One, I'm going to cast
Starting point is 00:30:11 healing word on Link. Okay. So this is a bonus action, which is what's nice about healing. How long does it take to cast? It's like just one bonus action? Yeah, it casts instantly, just like me when I'm prematurely ejaculating. Perfect. Well, are you okay? Anything you want to talk about
Starting point is 00:30:27 about the group? We can talk after. Alright, so Link heals for 15. I'm going to cast Death Ward on Link. You touch a creature and grant it a measure of protection from death. The first time the target would drop to zero hit points, this target instead drops to one hit point and the spell ends. So I grab Link and I'm like,
Starting point is 00:30:44 I get you, dude. I got your back. I did not. Now it is Mrs. Garcia Swallows' turn. She's going to see that the fire is raging out of control. I guess she's going to try to kick open the back door of the house. She succeeds. There are a bunch of, you know,
Starting point is 00:31:00 ATF agents and FBI guys there, a bunch of people with guns. Just using her grill and shit. Yeah, they're just chilling. They're going down with guns. Just using her grill and shit. Yeah. Yeah. They're just chilling. They're going down the slide. And she's going to try to persuade them. Does that scene from Taken
Starting point is 00:31:10 when they're just grilling and talking about how much she loves his daughter? Yeah. All right. She's going to try to persuade them to let her out. I would hate if she were taken.
Starting point is 00:31:17 Ooh. She literally rolled a 14 to persuade them and they rolled a 15 to not be persuaded. So they're going to be like, get back inside. Get on the ground.
Starting point is 00:31:24 Get back inside. Get on the ground. She i don't there's a fire going on you can see it just get back and she goes i'm having a real hard time giving you guys the benefit of the doubt now it is but i will but i will i'm doing it i will so she gets on her belly and then moves backwards she gets inside and gets on the ground it is link's turn i look at taylor and i act like i'm gonna do lay on hands i said i wouldn't kill you or hurt you but doesn't mean i can't grab you i'm going to try to grapple i'm scary okay uh it feels like an opposed it's because i have grappling pins i can use your action to try to pin a creature by making another grapple check if you succeed you and the creature
Starting point is 00:32:00 are both restrained until the grapple ends okay Okay, so you are going to make an athletics check, and you are going to oppose Scary with acrobatics. I got a 13. I got a 10. Okay, so you're grappled, sounds like. And I'm like, I wasn't moving. I was going to stay here until I kill you. Oh, well, now I'm on top of you, so please, you're like, yes.
Starting point is 00:32:21 I just sit on top of her. Great. So both you and Scary are now restrained. Taylor, it is your turn. Now, does her being restrained... I mean, she cannot move. Her speed's become zero. Does that cancel out the effect of the blur?
Starting point is 00:32:32 No. No. She's not blurry because she's moving fast. She's blurry because it's like... But it probably cancels out because... You know what I'm talking about? You look at her and you're like... It probably does cancel out
Starting point is 00:32:40 because I think if you're grappled, isn't disadvantage on evasion? I'm morally blurry. A shoring creature's speed becomes zero, and it can't benefit from any bonus to its speed. Attack rolls against the creature have advantage, and a creature's attack rolls have disadvantage. This creature has a disadvantage on dexterity saving throws.
Starting point is 00:32:54 So the advantage and the disadvantage cancel each other out, and you can just attack her normally. So Taylor's going to stumble. If I know anything about you, you'll have something in here. I'm going to rummage through the pockets of Nick. Just give me a luck roll. Just roll D20. 10.
Starting point is 00:33:08 All right. So the 10, you find one item. Okay. Roll again. If it's above 10, it's damage. If it's below 11, it's going to be defensive. 13. So 13, it is a weapon,
Starting point is 00:33:17 which means I'm going to very quickly go to our Patreon. So mission one, I'm going to pick a random, well, maybe not a random one. One that hopefully is not. Oh, holy shit. Can I get the sword of Animus from Bert N? Well, it's got to be that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:26 It was a birthday present for Nick today. Yeah, Nick was going to buy it. He was going to give it to you. At Hellmaw. Oh, no. So Freddy has grabbed an item called the Sword of Animus made by Bert N. Thank you, Bert. And this is the description for the sword.
Starting point is 00:33:38 The sword takes the appearance of a wooden bokan slash katana. A strange animated energy surges through the sword. The wielder may use their modern knowledge of anime to unleash this sword's killing potential. The sword transforms into an anime main protagonist weapon or final attack. It deals 4d12 damage is like way too much. So we'll say 2d12. That's fine. 2d12. The restrictions are the wielder must accurately describe the main protagonist attack or weapon. The wielder must accurately repeat the main protagonist catchphrase or attack name. And the wielder must accurately repeat the main protagonist's catchphrase or attack name, and the wielder must accurately portray the main protagonist's movements and demeanor. Failure to follow these restrictions causes the sword to explode,
Starting point is 00:34:09 dealing 1d12 of damage to the wielder. So every time you do this... Does it have like a little bow wrapped around it because he was getting this from Taylor? It's a little bow and it has one of those gift tags on it. Taylor just starts crying. Great. Oh no! Taylor holds it, he holds it like a fucking...
Starting point is 00:34:23 Oh no! In both of his hands. He's like, Dad, why are you getting this sword? Because he's not having it! crying great so what I'm gonna say as well is that every time you use it the weapon has a turn to do a different anime protagonists
Starting point is 00:34:35 weapon oh that's fun that's fair so each time you're gonna have to still do those things correctly yeah yeah all right so you've got that weapon now scary I think scary sees Taylor crying and is like,
Starting point is 00:34:45 oh, it's so hard to not have a dad, isn't it? She's so mean. Nobody's ever survived. Oh, how are you going to get by? Taylor can't hear you. I'm making this really hard to protect you, Scary. Oh, is that what you're doing? You're protecting me?
Starting point is 00:34:59 I guess. No, no, I'm protecting myself. Why do you care? I do and don't. I don't, okay? Why do you care? Just do whatever it is you. I don't. Okay. Why do you care? Just do whatever it is you're going to do. I cast charm person on Mrs. Swallows O'Garcia.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Okay. Oh, she's so easy to charm. She trusts everybody. All I literally had to do was like, hey, get this guy off me. All right. That's what you're going to say? Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:22 So she's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. She fails. She got a nine. So she turns around and. Okay, so she's going to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay, she fails. She got a nine. So she turns around and she sees you. You say, get this guy off of me. She's charmed by you until the spell ends or until your companions do anything harmful to her. But you don't have any companions now, so it's fine.
Starting point is 00:35:37 She regards you as her friendly acquaintance. And when the spell ends, she knows she was charmed. So yeah, she turns and she sees the kid who broke her door, spread piss all over her house and refused to let this girl go sitting on top of the girl who was seemingly pretty normal. And she goes, I get with this. You got to get off that girl, get off that girl. And her next turn, she's going to do something about that. Now it is either the end of the initiative order or scary. You could take another turn or Hermes going to do something upstairs. I grab Link's
Starting point is 00:36:03 foot and I cast Frostbite. Let's see you make varsity now. All right, so Frostbite. You cause numbing frost to form on one creature that you can see within range. The target, oh, I thought it was just one of their limbs. The target, I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The target must make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the target takes 1d6 cold damage and has disadvantage on the next weapon attack roll it makes before the end of its next turn. Okay. I'm 12th level, so it's 3d6.
Starting point is 00:36:29 Oh, wow. Okay, well, my constitution save was a natural one. All right. So you grab Lincoln Lee Wilson's foot, and ice-cold vapor sort of begins to swirl around your hand as you angrily grab onto this dude's foot. And his entire foot- Should we do some espresso beats right now? His entire foot freezes up. Poorly trying to stay on one foot,
Starting point is 00:36:51 he doesn't know what to do. He puts his foot down, it like slips because it's so wet and he falls into the fire. Oh God. 16. Oof. So now neither of you are restrained. Now are you at the top of the initiative again?
Starting point is 00:37:02 Normal. So Link is not grappling you anymore, right? Correct. So you're asking about mom? Yeah. So Link is not grappling you anymore, right? Correct. So you're asking about Mom? Yeah. Mom was not commanded to do a thing like with command. She just now regards Scary as a friendly acquaintance and wants to protect her. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:37:13 Okay. In that case, normal just glares at Scary and says, You leave my mom out of this! I'm going to cast Calm Emotions. You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people, each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere emotions in a group of people, each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose
Starting point is 00:37:27 must make a charisma saving throw. A creature can choose to fail a saving throw if it wishes. You can suppress any effect causing a target to be charmed or frightened. Okay.
Starting point is 00:37:36 What is the save number? It's a 14 and it would be Normal's mom that makes the save, not Scary. Correct. So I'm using this
Starting point is 00:37:42 to basically turn off Scary's charm. Oh, so you're not casting it at Scary? No, I'm casting it at my mom. At mommy. Oh, because save, not Scary. Correct. So I'm using this to basically turn off Scary's charm. Oh, so you're not casting it at Scary? No, I'm casting it at my mom. Oh, because that would kill Scary. Okay. No strong emotion. Okay, she only rolled a 12, so she does not save, so you do calm her emotions down. What do you
Starting point is 00:37:58 say to calm your... Say, Mom, try to see it both ways! Yo, she lit the house on fire! Yeah, just remember, we can coexist with non-coexistence! The paradox of intolerance isn't real. Her eyes narrow and she takes her assault rifle from off her back and she goes, she goes, you both make good points. It's an assault rifle, but it's only loaded with letters to your Congress. So she's going to say, everybody, stop. Both of you stop. She's pointing the gun. It's scary. And then kind of just vaguely in the general direction of everybody. And she's like, we got to get out of here. The fucking place is on fire. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:38:27 Can any of you talk to the FBI guys outside the cops or whatever? They won't let us out. We got to go. And they're going to shoot us if we try to leave. Oh, no. I got a thing I want to do. Turn on all the water faucets you can find. OK. And she's going to run off and do that in the kitchen, dodging the fire. Wow. It is wasteful. Oh Oh no, this house went green. We only wash with sand like birds do. Okay. So she's going to, every room she's going to enter,
Starting point is 00:38:50 she's going to have to roll to save against the fire. She rolled a three as she entered the kitchen. So she's going to take a D8 of damage from the fire. She takes four damage. She just sent your mom
Starting point is 00:38:58 into a flaming kitchen. You're like, Mom, come get the fire! You told her to do, go do, yeah. And turn on some faucets. Yeah, so she turned on a- I almost fell, I'm gonna do it, it's gonna be cool. I bet you there's a hose outside, bro.
Starting point is 00:39:10 Where the cops are trying to shoot her. I bet you that's where you think women belong, huh? In the kitchen, Norm? That is mama's turn. She is on fire and just turned on the faucet. Come on, fight back. Am I frozen frozen? No, just your foot is frozen frozen.
Starting point is 00:39:23 Okay. I already said i'm not gonna fight you just why not just go if you're gonna go go but you're not going you're staying here so clearly you want to go no you gotta fight back i'm bad why are you bad i just i just got i just just took your your your your your prize possession your little foot the thing that's gonna take you all the way you've got a future i don't i don't have what do you mean i don't have a future we're trying to save this future and the only future i knew was with you three you're my only friends you're my friend so i'm not gonna fight you well then i'm just gonna
Starting point is 00:39:54 have to kill you okay i don't want to die scary but i don't i'm not gonna hurt you i wish you would just know that there's three people that care for you like why no why yes you don't need a why scary there's no why you know you love care for you like why no why you don't need a why scary there's no why you know you love someone because you love someone we love you no that's not that's not how it works if if you if you love somebody then then you you can't you can't like i can't do this i can't do this i gotta get out of here i gotta get out of here fine i'm just gonna use my action i'm not gonna grapple i go okay look scary I just you know what I don't even care I just needed a friend and I don't know I don't know what you're going through but you know my my dad always said you can't love somebody unless you
Starting point is 00:40:33 love yourself right well last time I asked him if he loved himself he he doesn't so I don't know so like maybe he doesn't love me either and you seem to know what that's like and you're my friend you're dealing with these things and I'm just here I just I don't know I don't know. So like, maybe he doesn't love me either. And you seem to know what that's like. And you're my friend. You're dealing with these things. And I'm just here. I just, I don't know. I don't love myself either. I don't know. But like, I know that more people will die if we can't do this together.
Starting point is 00:40:52 And you're the only person like in this group. I mean, you guys are, I mean, look, you can go. I'm not going to stop you. You go if you want to go. I'm done. And I just sit down. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:41:02 Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to go. I don't want to care anymore so that was uh link's turn it is stand back up if you're gonna go fine just and i just go out for a hug i i hug scary whatever i don't know what you're gonna go for a hug i guess it's up to scary if she wants to take the hug or not just like real life dude she takes the hug what does everybody see on scary's face as she gets hugged does she like return the hug or does she just sit there with her arms by her sides and gets i slowly pull out a katana you see the face of someone
Starting point is 00:41:36 grappled again she lets herself be hugged and then she ah oh no And then she casts Eldritch Blast on Link. Man, this girl funked up. Okay. A beam of crackling energy streaks towards a creature within range. Make the ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1d10 force damage. The spell creates more than one beam when you reach higher levels. So three
Starting point is 00:42:07 beams, just like Will when he comes. That's right! Three beams! Okay, Will say it's a ranged spell attack and he's right next to you, so you have to roll with disadvantage. Okay. Okay, that's an 8. Plus 6, which is 14. What's your AC? I'm 13.
Starting point is 00:42:23 Okay, so it still hits you, so you're going to take 3d10 damage. Each protein is 1d10? Yeah. I take 21. What's it going to take for this kit? I need no bell. Which means I am in death save.
Starting point is 00:42:38 No, because you have my spell. Right, so you're down to 1 HP. You're down to 1 HP. Oh, okay. Yeah, I hang on and I say... Are you still hugging her? Yeah, I'm still hugging her. There's more!
Starting point is 00:42:46 Yeah, boy, three beams come through your body, dude. And I go, scary. Yeah, they punch holes through your body and you're still standing. They just come up. I don't know if I'm hugging you because I still care or just because my body hurts so bad that I can't move anymore. Just, we can help you. We can talk to Willie. I don't- You can't help me. You can't. Okay, we can help you. We can talk to Willie. I don't,
Starting point is 00:43:05 you can't help me. You can't. Okay. You can help me. I just pass out. I'm still holding on by pass out at one link. Oh, um,
Starting point is 00:43:17 yeah, you guys are going to be, you guys are going to be next. If, if, if you don't, if you don't let me out of here. All right,
Starting point is 00:43:22 Taylor is your turn next. Normal. Who's what? Where's normal? What is he doing? I just sent my mom to go get lit on fire. You sent your mom into the flames. I'm watching my mom get lit on fire,
Starting point is 00:43:29 and then I look, and I see Link and Scary, and I look at Taylor. I see Taylor next to the bisected legs of his dad, and I see what's going on. I see Scary about to crack, and I look at Taylor, and I gesture to hug. I'm like, you gotta, I'm like, you gotta get under. I point at Scary, I'm like, go like that. You gotta join the hug. I'm like, you gotta I'm like, you can't get under. I point at Scarra, I'm like, don't like that.
Starting point is 00:43:45 You gotta join the hug. Okay. I will when it's my turn, but you guys should hug. Taylor is going to God, that's a tough one. I don't know if Taylor would. Emotionally fraught fight. Taylor, just a big blubbering mess, just snot running
Starting point is 00:44:03 down his nose. I did that. I killed your dad. Oh, okay. Here blubbering mess, just snot running down his nose. I did that. I killed your dad. Oh, okay. Here's what Taylor's going to do. His action is going to be to cut off his samurai topknot with a sword. Wow, no more honor. No more honor.
Starting point is 00:44:16 I didn't know you had a topknot. It was under the pork pie hat the whole time. No, no, Matt. It's like very, very, very small. It's very small. It's not like a cool topknot. It's just like a little... In fact, right as this battle was starting, you tied it up. Yeah, yeah, Matt. It's like very, very, very small. It's very small. It's not like a cool topknot. In fact, right as this battle was starting, you tied it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:28 Exactly. Like, time to become a samurai. And then one minute later, you're like, I am the virus. I'm going to hold my turn. I guess I'm not holding my turn. Well, I'm doing a thing, sort of, right? But let me do it. We'll see.
Starting point is 00:44:41 That's just flavor. I was just going to ask what anime sword you were cutting your topknot with. Oh, no. This is Ashitaka cutting off his topknot. Oh, so a little Tonto or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:50 Okay. And by the way, for those of you who've seen Prism on Noget, could go either way. You dropped me to this, Gary. It is Gary's turn now. Wait, wasn't her turn
Starting point is 00:44:58 Striking Me with Elder's Blast? That was her special turn that she gets for turning out a baddie. This is Gary's vanilla turn. This is Gary's missionary turn. This is Gary's missionary turn. Unlike how Will does it. Someday I'll last long enough to get it. I'm going to go try to get the thing that Hermie left. I guess I'll just roll perception. Sure.
Starting point is 00:45:19 15. All right. So with the 15, you can see that it is just an ID badge of some sort. I pick it up. If you do that, you're going to have to walk past two people and take two opportunity attacks. Totally fine. Okay. Normal and Taylor, you may make basic melee attack against her while she is walking past. Can I make a hug of opportunity? Sure. Why not?
Starting point is 00:45:37 Is Link still hugging her? Is Link followed over? Yeah. I've held on. He fell over. He passed out. No, I. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:45:41 You're like around her feet. My arms are locked. Like a backpack. Like a preppy sweater. Yeah. I guess I... Oh, okay. You're like around her feet. My arms are locked. Like a preppy sweater. Yeah. I guess I'm dragging Link. Yeah. Normal runs in and hugs Scary and hangs on to Link and
Starting point is 00:45:53 says, Scary, you are enough just as you are. I got 20. Okay, great. So, Taylor, it is your turn for an opportunity attack. Scary. I'm going to try and trip scary. It's just going to be a normal opportunity. Yeah, that's fine.
Starting point is 00:46:08 A real anime star would just cut her in two, even though his two friends were on it. It just cut all three of us in half. I think scary says a real anime star. Sorry, sorry. I wish I knew more animes. What anime does somebody just hug instead of fight? The end of Mon, okay, he does that.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Remember, he takes the stab, and he's like, the world's ending around us. Oh, yeah. Also the end of mon okay he does that remember he takes the stab and he's like the world's ending around oh yeah cool oh also the end of uh lone wolf and cub yeah yeah but in this anime taylor he's gonna see scary he's gonna see the body of his dad and the gift that his dad got him and through teary eyes he's gonna say okay and then just punch scary in the stomach okay give me an attack roll by the way with this katana okay of course being one punch man's fucking sketch phrase. Great. That's fun.
Starting point is 00:46:47 So it turns the katana momentarily just into a fist. Big fist. Four plus four, eight. You end up hitting Link on the back of the head with your big old fist. Blurry because of tears. Does it take one to eat? No, you don't take any tears. I'm just joking around.
Starting point is 00:46:59 Now you're in death's way. Yeah. So you rolled the thing. You saw the ID. You still have an action. and you did your move. So I cast deafness. You can blind or deafen a foe. Choose one creature that you can see within range
Starting point is 00:47:12 to make a constitution saving throw. If you cast it third level or higher, you can target one additional creature for each slot level above second. So you can target everybody, basically. I'm going to target everybody basically i'm gonna target everybody and gas deafness all right so all of you make constitution saving throws please you're trying to beat a 13 4 plus 3 7 5 plus 0 5 oh a 4 all right all of you are stricken deaf what yep so
Starting point is 00:47:38 for a minute for 60 rounds you are uh what are we supposed to do okay this will never get old and then i put on the the sleeping cap all right so we go into your mind you fall instantly asleep You are a... What are we supposed to do? This will never get old. And then I put on the sleeping cap. All right, so we go into your mind. You fall instantly asleep, and Willie is there with you. He's like, what's going on? Hey, yeah, sorry. I just wanted to ask you, if we don't do this,
Starting point is 00:48:01 if we don't defeat the doodler or whatever, I don't know, some people just live normal lives here and stuff like that and they're chill and everything like do you think that we could just just like what if i don't do it i'm gonna have a real perception because he's not generally one who cares about other people's feelings but i'm gonna roll the perception to see if you've you can tell that something's like different with you all right so you get a 15 so he goes are you okay what's going what way i just am i enough oh boy uh enough i mean once you break the other anchors you will be right now you're not you're sort of incomplete you know we're all we're all works in progress right and your your work is to to to finish breaking these, these anchors.
Starting point is 00:48:47 And once you do that, then you'll be enough. You'll be whole. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. I was thinking that. Yeah. Good.
Starting point is 00:48:52 So yeah, get back to it. Well, I was just, um, I know like we're in our, like, you know, like my mind and stuff like that, but I was just like wondering if I could like have a hug. From who? Yeah. that but I was just like wondering if I could like have a hug from who yeah I was just from from you you know like oh shit that's funny okay so yeah we're friends again now that's good you yeah I was I got I flew a little off the handle there earlier but like we're we're tight again that's great yeah you can wake up now and you. So during this time, can Taylor have made a move? Yeah, sure.
Starting point is 00:49:29 Taylor is going to see that Scary's decided to put on the cap. Rookie mistake. It's a rookie mistake to intentionally fall asleep during a fight. It is. It is. Taylor's going to get around. Excuse me, Link. And then Taylor's going to get behind.
Starting point is 00:49:41 Well, Link is low. So Taylor's going to get up high and get Scary, who cannot defend against this. She is asleep and standing. Right, so I'm going to say that, again, with the blur, they'll cancel each other out, so you get a normal attack, no advantage or disadvantage. I want to just get her into a rear naked choke and using the crook of my elbow, block the blood flow to her, using, you know, for carotid artery, and sleep or hold Scary. That's an attack roll? That's about as close as an attack roll. I mean, I saw one,
Starting point is 00:50:07 so I'm going to, in my delirium, I sense that as a reaction, I'm going to do protection on scary. I'm going to go, don't, and I'm going to cast protection,
Starting point is 00:50:15 which means impose a disadvantage on attack roll. Why would you do that? Why would I stop you from killing scary? That's why he doesn't kill her, he knocks her out.
Starting point is 00:50:22 He's just going to regulate the blood flow of the brains. I'll do it for four to six minutes. You know what? Link's been very clear on what he's doing this time. It's consistent. Rear naked choke. I feel like you hear Taylor just say rear naked choke and go for it.
Starting point is 00:50:36 And then you cast that projection. We don't know what's happening in there. She could be having a breakthrough. Go ahead and roll. Not if I have anything to do with it. Alright, go ahead and roll not if I have anything to do with it alright go ahead and roll an attack but that ain't gonna fucking work that's a natural one plus four or five ooh woof so it's a funny
Starting point is 00:50:54 thing to happen for a natural one he just winds up hugging her yeah you're also hugging her now that's great everyone is now hugging her you're hugging her too oh no you and, you and this, you and this. It's,
Starting point is 00:51:06 I get her into like a hug, but like clearly like, I just don't know what a proper rear naked choke is. I've only seen it in like poorly drawn or like whatever. Self-defense manuals. In like self-defense manuals. Yeah. The military self-defense manuals,
Starting point is 00:51:17 which only have like two pictures and it's just like two guys. So what it looks like, what I think I am is I think I'm doing it and it's working, but it is just a rear naked hug. So it's an awkward behind the back hug. Yes, that's exactly what it is. But I think it's working. I'm like, all right, just got to hold this
Starting point is 00:51:32 and then she'll be out like a light. Great. Scary, you wake up to find all three people hugging you. One of them seems to be passed out. One of them seems to be grunting with some amount of effort. And one of them smells really bad. One of them smells horrible. Scary's like, of them seems to be grunting with some amount of effort. Smells really bad. One of them smells horrible. Scary is like, I can't breathe.
Starting point is 00:51:48 I can't breathe. It's working. It's working. Wait, did we go all the way back up to normal? I feel like we just. Did you do Hermie? And also Mrs. Oak got lit on fire on her last turn. Right, right, right.
Starting point is 00:52:00 Yeah, okay. So somehow it became Taylor's turn again. How did that happen? You said it was Taylor's turn. All right, that's my bad. Just for this. Well, Taylor held it. He just came in. Yeah, that's what you said it was Taylor's turn. All right, that's my bad. Just for this. Well, Taylor held it. He just gave it.
Starting point is 00:52:06 Yeah, that's what, you held your action. That's what it was. Okay, thank you. I remember now. Okay, so now it is Normal's turn. Okay, seeing what's going on, I'm going to cast Mass Healing Word. Mass Healing Word.
Starting point is 00:52:17 I haven't been to one of those in a while. The world is the Lord. So that is 1d4 plus eight. So everyone is going to get 10 HP back. And I say, it's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to use my legendary resistance. Oh, no!
Starting point is 00:52:32 No, that's so sad! No! Wow! Oh, God! That's great. Yeah, nothing heals scary. She just looks at you with... Yeah, everybody else can take the 10.
Starting point is 00:52:44 That's fun. And my mom as well. Yes, your mom as well. I also as at you. Yeah. Yeah, everybody else can take the 10. That's fun. And my mom as well. Yes, your mom as well. I also as a bonus action, I say, mom, forget the water. I don't have enough spells. She goes, okay, I love you, honey. I love you too. So it is your mom's turn.
Starting point is 00:52:53 She's going to spend her turn stopping, dropping, and rolling. She rolls around and she manages to extinguish the flames, but it takes her a whole turn. Stopping is an action. Dropping is a movement. And rolling is a bonus action. So I got 10. 10 scary did you just talk to willie i mean what do you care i mean i don't i just i just asked i mean i look around i care about everything i talked to him okay well like what do you want to do i don't know i just
Starting point is 00:53:18 want to stay here that's okay you can stay here yeah that's cool the house is on fire i mean we should probably put the fire out but like you can you can stay, like, we want to, we just, dude, that guy sucks. He's mean. Like, you read the book. He's a piece of shit. Who cares? He's a piece of shit, but I'm nothing.
Starting point is 00:53:34 No, you're not. We love you, okay? I don't know how to convince you of that. I don't know what to say that's going to help, that's going to make it better, but you're a teenage girl. God damn it. You matter. I mean, maybe you're nothing, but I'm nothing, but you're my friend and i could i want to be your
Starting point is 00:53:49 friend so that's something like that can just be something and we can stop this house from burning down and you know have some more shots to yeah and then in this moment taylor hearing the word you're just a teenage girl something clicks in his head he's like ah wait and then taylor pulls out his phone speed dials his mom. Hey, Siri, call my mom. Alright. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hey, what's up? Hey, mom, are you still seeing that Willie guy? Yes. Well, he sucks!
Starting point is 00:54:14 He's been talking to teenage girls in his spare time! Isn't that right, Scary? You're a teenage girl, right? Not like that. Yes, but you are a teenage girl. Honey, honey, I understand it's always a hard thing when your mom starts dating again. No, I have no problem with the other side of it. I have a problem with that dude.
Starting point is 00:54:28 He cut your ex-husband in half. He killed two people. He's indirectly responsible for two people. Look at this. FaceTime, Mom. All right, FaceTime. Oh, my God, your own body is on fire. Get out.
Starting point is 00:54:38 Look, no, but look there. Who see that? What am I looking at? What? The legs of Nick. Oh. She goes, oh, something got cut in half by the fire. That's Nick. That's my at? What? The legs of Nick. Oh. She goes, Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 00:54:46 Something got cut in half by the fire! That's Nick! That's my dad! What? No! Willie's responsible for it! Roll persuasion with advantage. Seven plus one, eight.
Starting point is 00:54:56 With advantage? Yeah. I got six and a seven. So she goes, I mean, That's true! It's true! Hey, Mrs. Close, it's true! I believe,
Starting point is 00:55:03 look guys, the mayor and all the doodlery stuff that's happening has messed with our minds a lot. So I'm sure Willie wouldn't do something like that. Like talk to teen girls in his spare time. It sounds like the teen girl just said it was a different thing. So hold on, teen girl. He told me he's mentoring somebody.
Starting point is 00:55:18 Doesn't sound like mentoring to me. He's doing it in his sleep. Honey, you're get out of the flaming. I love you so much. We'll talk about this more, get out of that flaming building. I'm coming over. I look at Scarra, I say, that's what this guy does. He manipulates people.
Starting point is 00:55:31 Like, he manipulated Taylor's mom. That's what's going on. He's just, they build a maze in your mind, and just, he knows, he's a smart guy, he knows that you don't love yourself, and he's stringing you along. I know, he doesn't care. That's why I like him, he doesn't care. Why is it so hard to care and it's just i i just don't want to care anymore look you don't have to you don't have to care about me if you don't want we can
Starting point is 00:55:55 just hang out let's just do this thing yeah let's just hang out just hang out in this burning building hang out yeah i mean we'll put the fire out but i don't know just like the music you like it's like always about how adults suck and stuff so just like yeah everything sucks so i mean but that guy sucks too so like he doesn't care but like if you don't want us to care we don't have to care either we can just hang and just do this thing get this over with not care together yeah and everybody sucks and if you want to tap out if you don't want to be part of all this crate look this is all my family's fault okay i gotta carry that that this whole fucked up thing happened because of my family so as far as i'm concerned if you want out you can be out and that's okay you don't have to care i don't expect that of you you know that is
Starting point is 00:56:36 100 you're right you can do whatever you want and you not caring about this doesn't make you a bad person you know you can just do whatever you want and that's okay. You don't have to do this. Oh, for a guy who said he doesn't care. There is a body count. There's two dead bodies here. This guy. Oh, that reminds me. So I'm going to cast speak with dead.
Starting point is 00:56:56 Okay. And I'm going to cast speak with the dead on the legs in the living room. Okay. See if there is someone who's dead. That's great. Yeah. So I'm like hey is there hello and you don't hear anything dude your dad's not dead he's a demon man he got cut
Starting point is 00:57:12 in half but like that dude's lose his limbs like nobody's business he's probably fine like if i can't he'd be able to i'd be able to talk to him right now taylor has a flashback of the last three episodes when he was just ahead and he goes that's what I and I put my hand on Taylor and I'm like that's what I love about you man you and your dad you're survivors right you make it work we all make it work we're all just confused mixed up children in a burning house we're just normal men we're just normal men normal innocent teens god damn it we're trying our best and like i don't know if it's going to be good enough and i don't know what the right thing to do is but i'm telling you
Starting point is 00:57:50 right now that whatever you want to do it's okay and i still love you i don't trust don't trust anybody who tells you what to do i mean i want to go that far depending on if you trust the person you know but you get the idea i don't have to care yeah no you don't so i don't have to i don't have to care about like you guys or anything or and if i don't care then i'm not gonna i'm not gonna lose you yeah yeah we're right here it's like you know look if there's anything we've learned from all this is that like love's like not even probably real or whatever. So just like, yeah, yeah. Just, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:58:28 But we're like a band or whatever. Like just stick. Let's just fix what our stupid parents did. And then we can figure we can just move on from that. Just it's going to be easier with the four of us and it's better to hang out with you guys and not do anything. So, yeah, we just just come back and then just ignore that dude okay gosh he's really resistant to this sleeper hold i guess i don't care then let's do it all right i was gonna say we could go to the next one but you want to fix your oh shit the red vines
Starting point is 00:58:59 i ran i grab and i bite a red vine i get my spells your, yeah. I cast control water to send a geyser of water rushing through my house to put the fire out. Perfect. Link's like, I'd rather not eat a red vine. That's okay. I would rather die. No thank you for the red vines. So yeah, you put out the fire pretty quickly.
Starting point is 00:59:17 Now your house is more- Even the water from the piss toilet, dude? Yeah. Especially the water from the piss toilet. Shit. No, I clean out the toilet with the water like that's the first thing it does it goes and it comes back out that's and then i do like a cool like like for the first time for the first time it fucking your toilet flushes yeah it's
Starting point is 00:59:35 the first ever flush your toilet normal toilet is so clogged and then it's like you remember mad max when they finally blast through the sand and the whole lab's open and oxygen comes in. So is all the fire gone? The fire is gone. And when it's all scary, let's just get this done and then, you know, you like playing soccer. We can just not care about playing soccer. We can just play soccer and just not care about stuff together. That'd be cool. Oh, no, low-key, I really miss playing
Starting point is 01:00:00 soccer, bro. Yeah. Well, I mean, not really miss it, but I kind of miss it, right? No, I think about it all the time. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, let's do that then. Let's get rid of those stupid things and we can play soccer. The water's out. Water damage, though. There's a lot of water. Yeah, the resale of this house is fucking tanked. You see your mom going outside
Starting point is 01:00:15 and negotiating with the law enforcement agents. You hear gunfire. You don't hear gunfire. They don't shoot her. In the first ever instance of a cop not firing first, they don't shoot her. You have a backyard where one a cop not firing first, they don't shoot her. You have a backyard where one could conceivably play soccer. Scary. Scary.
Starting point is 01:00:31 Do you need that hat anymore? Yeah. May I borrow it? Please, please, please. I guess I don't care if you do. Thank you. I'm going to put on the hat. Okay, you fall asleep. Willie, I've called forth for you.
Starting point is 01:00:47 And I'm fucking stark raving naked I got my sword My hair is blowing in the wind dude So you see from behind And he's used to looking the other direction And he turns around and he's like What the fuck? That's right Oh god come up your dick
Starting point is 01:00:57 I don't want to look at a teen's dick I'm not that kind of a bad guy Your worst nightmare motherfucker Literally in this case Well guess what I've seen right through your fucking plans get your fucking loins ready because i'm coming for you you may not know when you may not know where but that's beyond the itch in the back of your mind that's gonna come and kill you
Starting point is 01:01:19 who are you that's right you'll never know until he goes my work here is done. And he blinks out of existence in his world, dude. And he's just alone in the dream. So he's going like, what the fuck? So I'm going to go check on Hermie. Guys, I'll be right back. I got to go check on Hermie, though.
Starting point is 01:01:34 He gets pretty mad if you ignore him. So I run up the stairs. I'm going to grab the badge off the ground. OK. As you grab the badge off the ground, and as you open the door to your room, the door to your room is a little bit cracked open. I open the door to your room, the door to your room is a little bit cracked open. I open the door.
Starting point is 01:01:46 Okay. As you do that, you look down almost involuntarily at the badge and the badge says, Chaparral High School, Herman Unworthy. And you look up and you see Hermie with his arms full of your original Teenie the Teen mascot costume. And he goes, it was nothing personal, normal. And he dives backward out of your open window. And the intensity of the scam
Starting point is 01:02:13 opens a portal to the goof realm. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better Than ourselves You should tell myself It'll be alright Pretty lies that we sleep at night
Starting point is 01:02:35 I know that no one knows me better Than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow,, steal, and borrow Break where we can't change
Starting point is 01:03:07 We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing,
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Starting point is 01:05:06 You gotta do taxes. Tax time once again. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way oh fuck it's a love for spell i I already used my love for spell slots. Is there anything more D&D than getting excited to do a cool thing and then reading it and being like, no, you don't get to do that.

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