Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 32 - Con Mayor

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

The teens are straight up befuddled by a staggering betrayal.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Tw...itter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. All right, kids, it's sing-a-long time. Oh, Mom, come on! We're not kids, we're teens! We're in the middle of something! We're trying to have an intervention with our friend Scary! You're acting like a bunch of kids and my house is on fire, so you're all gonna sing, okay?
Starting point is 00:00:18 I'm fine. No, it's not fine. Let's compromise. We all sing. Scary hug, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, scary hug, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, scary hug, doo-doo-doo- We all sing. Scary hug. Scary hug. Yeah, goddammit, seriously? Scary hug. Whatever. Okay, yeah, this is a good one.
Starting point is 00:00:31 Okay, let's do it. Next verse, next verse. All right, Link, your turn. Link in hugs. Link in hugs. Link in hugs. Link in hugs. You know, this was a good idea, Mom.
Starting point is 00:00:42 I'm going to kill your mom. I'm going to kill your mom, too. I don't think so, because... Normal hugs. You know, this was a good idea, Mom. I'm going to kill your mom. I'm going to kill your mom, too. I don't think so, because... Normal hugs. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Normal hugs. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Normal hugs.
Starting point is 00:00:52 Do-do-do-do-do-do. Normal hugs. Well, kill me, then. My pleasure. Natural one. God fucking... Taylor hugs. Do-do-do-do-do-do.
Starting point is 00:01:01 Taylor hugs. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Taylor hugs. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Taylor hugs. Hugs do do do do do do Taylor Hugs do do do do do do Taylor Hugs do do do do do do Taylor Hugs Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Ba-ding, ba-ba-ding, ba-ba-ding A Dungeons and Dragons podcast.
Starting point is 00:01:19 A Seinfeld podcast. It's a Seinfeld podcast. Oh, wow. No, it's not. It's a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Oh, wow. No, it's not. It's a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Jerry. Wow, this is great. This one really smothered the vibe right away with my zany joke.
Starting point is 00:01:31 It just reminds me of those immaculate Seinfeld vibes, which we try and carry forward here at Dungeons and Dragons HQ. First 100 episodes, good. Second 100 episodes, let's see. Let's see. Yes, we're technically episode 101 of this madness. This is season two of the show. We're telling a story.
Starting point is 00:01:44 I want to just start over. No, no, let's go. No, is season two of the show. We're telling a story. This is terrible. No, you pushed through it, Will. We pushed through. I fucked up the whole podcast. We pushed through. Oh, Will, it's okay that you fucked up the whole podcast. All right, let's try it. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:01:57 Let's go. We're keeping it. We're a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. When we betrayed normal, Will betrayed us. We are a Dungeons and Dragons podcast that tells a story of four teens from our world trying to change our world back into the world it once was my name is freddie i play taylor swift the icy cool anime ranger teen of the group i would like to request a cool sword drawn out of a sheath shing sound one. Shing. Yeah, one of those. Please, thank you, Esther, who edits our podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:26 This week's teen fact for Taylor. Taylor is not a fan of Willie anymore. Okay. At first, Taylor was like, I feel great about my mom. Oh, that's right, yeah. Yeah, but you know what? That guy's a real jerk. Damn.
Starting point is 00:02:41 A real scoundrel. I feel like Scary could have gotten a lot farther had she known that taylor was actually on her side the whole time but i guess that says a lot about scary yeah she's too far up her own okay that's that's taylor's uh teen fact hey everybody my name is matthew arnold is it funny the second time nope my name is matthew arnold and uh i play lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid and esther he gave me like a cool like like like soccer what the fuck are you talking about and then like a and then and that and then
Starting point is 00:03:20 like like cheer that'd be really cool productive Productive paladin of the group. Really quick fact, because I want to get into this fucking episode. No questions, no follow-up questions. Marco and Grant had to put bells on Link's bedroom door because he was getting up in the middle of the night all the time. So they just had to check to make sure they knew when he was getting up.
Starting point is 00:03:36 Why was he getting up? Because he liked to sleep on the grass because it's the worst soccer field. You walked right into that one, Beth. God damn it. Well, I mean, I thought that we were a collaborative podcast. Thank you, Beth. I realize that Will is making some questionable choices, but I just thought that we asked
Starting point is 00:03:55 questions and we answered them here. She knew when I said no follow-up questions, I was asking for follow-up questions. She understood. Good job, Beth. Thank you for that. Hey, everyone. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm doing a great impression right now. Hi to your children. It's like he's here with us. He job, Beth. Thank you for that. Hey, everyone. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm doing a great impression right now.
Starting point is 00:04:05 Hi, children. It's like he's here with us. He's not dead, Beth. Hey, can you get Will? Just like Willie. His favorite celebrity, Jerry Seinfeld, is here. Will! Hold on.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Will was in my car for comedians and cars getting coffee. And the words are the funniest things Jerry Seinfeld ever said. It's not funny. Don't laugh. I'm Will. I play normal. When Kramer was on Letterman. I guess Esther, give me like a Ferris Bueller like one of those that sounds like fun i was like that
Starting point is 00:04:30 we should get walk on music like when you're a wrestler oh i was like a baseball player do i mean like when they have like they play cherry pie or whatever when the guy comes out caroline wow thank you matt so normal oak is a perky, peppy, chipper, cheery, school spirit, betrayed mascot teen. Punished. Punished Normal. Punished Normal. Fun fact about Punished Normal is that Normal does not get mad. He gets even.
Starting point is 00:04:57 Oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Okay. Hi, my name is Beth May. Esther, could you add a blood-curdling scream that makes anybody who's listening to this podcast be like, something's wrong.
Starting point is 00:05:10 Something's wrong. They need help. No, Esther, just be your beautiful self. Thank you. Fun fact about me is that I, Beth, play Scary Marlowe, who is a goth punk. That's Michelangelo at the beginning of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 when he's punching the thing.
Starting point is 00:05:33 Deep cut, Anthony. People who know that are dying right now. They're fucking livid with how good a reference that was. Goth punk, seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. You said goth funk like it's a genre. And that sounds awesome.
Starting point is 00:05:46 Okay. Fun fact about scary is that her favorite genre of music. Many people think that it's punk or, you know, just all rock, just regular rock, something like that. But actually it's kids, Bob, because because nothing nothing is darker than a child singing the lyrics of closer by the chain smokers or toxic or wap yep have you heard the kids about version of wap do they have one they do have what is the i'm almost afraid to ask did they just say macaroni again there's some doors in this house There's some doors in this house. There's some doors in this house. I said certified beat seven days a week.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Water bottle. Make that pull-out game weak. That line is still there. They did keep the line that pull-out game weak. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. In inverse EGOT news, there's a chance that come July Come. Nice.
Starting point is 00:06:43 Is that the name of your movie? Yeah, that's my movie. Come July. It's coming out in August. It's very confusing. No one's going to see it. There's a chance that come July I will be able to knock off another from my inverse EGOT in terms of wrestling. But we will address that in more detail as we get closer to it. But this is the teaser.
Starting point is 00:07:00 This is the tease. Freddie and I have been talking to a wrestling promotion. We may play a little wrestling one shot with them and I may wrestle in their promotion. Are you sure this isn't just the plot of your gay porn? You're right. Shit. I should've made them part of the same Anthony Burch cinematic universe.
Starting point is 00:07:22 When we last left you, you were all friends. I mean, we were teens. I don't know about that. You set the house on fire. We're like all on the same group project. That sort of vibe, I think. I feel like it's more appropriate.
Starting point is 00:07:33 Yeah, so Scary cast Fireball, set the house on fire. Link refused to hurt Scary as difficult as it was. Everybody ended up intentionally or not hugging Scary. Link finally seemingly got Scary to join them by saying that he didn't care and it was okay not to care. And you shouldn't care about anything and nobody should care about anything because nothing matters. Hell yeah. I mean, or not. It doesn't matter.
Starting point is 00:07:52 And then as you were just coming off of the high of that incredible decision that you've made to not care about anything in this role-playing game. How dare you. I thought he was brave. That requires a lot of forward momentum from the players. How dare you? I thought he was brave. That requires a lot of forward momentum from the players. Norma went up to his room and saw that Hermie Unworthy was stealing the original Teeny the Teen mascot outfit
Starting point is 00:08:11 and that Hermie was actually Herman Unworthy from Chaparral High School, the rival high school that had been since the beginning of the season was stated to have been trying to steal the Teeny the Teen costume and finally it happened. I told Tony Pepperoni we needed to up security. And then look at me, I let the security get lax. The scam was so good,
Starting point is 00:08:28 it teared open a hole in the realms to Goof Realm and Teenie the Teen in the arms of Hermione the Unworthy. They both, as one entity, leapt back into the portal to Goof Realm, which closed behind her. And he jumped out the window, right? Yeah, he jumped through the window. Normal jumps out the window.
Starting point is 00:08:45 Okay, the portal's not there anymore, so you take 2d12 damage as you fall to floors. Does it like close before my eyes or something like that? Normal? No, you're not there. You're downstairs. Do we hear you? Outside the window of the front
Starting point is 00:09:02 door, we just hear, and all the cops and ATF agents out there are like, he's jumping, he's jumping. And then you land and they're like, he jumped. Normal spits up dirt and a little bit of blood. And like the slightest, most repressed grin curls on his lips. And he says, well, well, well. And then I get up and dust myself off.
Starting point is 00:09:20 And I turn and march back inside. Are you okay? No, the door's locked. Oh, ding dong. Someone's at the door. Get on the ground. No! What are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:09:28 This is my house. Yeah, get on the ground. What are you doing out here? You tell me I can't jump out. I jump down after. I don't have to explain myself to you. Get on the ground. No.
Starting point is 00:09:35 Open fire. I open the door. Gentlemen? Roll persuasion for that three syllable. This one. That's an 18. Yeah, bitch! So immediately,
Starting point is 00:09:55 the one who said to open fire goes, whoa, whoa, whoa! And puts out his hand. As you say, gentlemen, he goes, yes, young sir. He lives here. He just falls out of the bathroom window sometimes.
Starting point is 00:10:04 I'm just going to bring him back in if that's cool with you all. Yeah, you want me in the house, right? So what's the problem? So he flicks the safety of his M16 back on and nods. Okay. I'm going to go back in now. Hey, guys, just relax.
Starting point is 00:10:16 What's the problem? Come on. He unflicks the safety of his M16. All right, all right, all right. I close the door. Okay, everyone's okay. I open the door and I follow you. I close it behind me.
Starting point is 00:10:24 Sorry, sorry, sorry, Link. Yeah, man. Everyone, can. I open the door and I follow you. I close it behind me. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, man. Everyone could, can we gather up? Can we gather up? Yeah. What happened? Why are you jumping out the window?
Starting point is 00:10:31 I know we've been through a lot. Just today, yesterday, the last couple episodes have really been a lot. Episodes of what? Just episodes of our lives, Scary.
Starting point is 00:10:42 I know it's been, I want to know if you guys are in a headspace to receive information that could be in the episode right now. What? Let me make sure I'm sitting down, and I recline in your laziest of boys.
Starting point is 00:10:54 This is, there's no reason. Bring me your laziest boy. To be clear, I'm always in the headspace to receive information that will hurt me. Okay, well. I mean, I can hear I don't have space. Yeah, what are you going to say? There's no easy way to say this, but our school mascot has been stolen. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:10 But you're here. What do you mean? No, I'm not the mascot. Link Teeny the Teen is the mascot. You, I point to your chest, you are the mascot. You got to keep telling yourself that. You know, I so appreciate that, and I so appreciate you, and I give you a hug, but it feels like we've been doing a lot of hugging, but maybe we'll give you a hug later. I'm still processing a lot but no her me our friend her me the unworthy you are my side yes my sidekick where are you her me her me stole the mascot i
Starting point is 00:11:34 knew something was up with that guy i hated that guy all the time it doesn't make me feel so bad about forgetting about it all the time he took it well. Well, where is he? Let's go get him. No, he tore open a hole to goof around because it was such a scam. And he jumped through it. And it's vanished. And he's gone. And we got to go there anyway. And guys, I just, it's just like he was with us for so long. And he was our friend.
Starting point is 00:12:01 And he told me that he liked me. Or he said that he knew that I liked him. And it seemed like, you know, it's just he was with us. And like he got burned and he got put through the ringer and he met his father and he went to hell and back. And it was all a lie. It was all to steal the outfit. And I just. Do you know how much school spirit that takes?
Starting point is 00:12:24 Oh, from him. From him. Yeah. My whole life I've been waiting to meet someone who cares this much about their school. And yet, and I do. And what do I find? I find that he works for the enemy.
Starting point is 00:12:35 It's like I had a crush on him before. It's like I wanted him, but now I need him. We have to get him back. Oh, okay. I've never felt this way about anybody before. That's what I'm saying, guys. I guess if the shoe was on the other foot and you did what he did Like you would do what he did to Chaparral
Starting point is 00:12:48 Absolutely would Why don't you do that then I've been a little busy I had a plan to steal the mascot from Chaparral But then this all happened What was the plan Oh you know it was like gonna be We was in early stages
Starting point is 00:13:02 We're gonna seduce another student for two months And become best friends and integrate themselves. No, I wish I thought of that, but I didn't. I was just going to go smash a window open and climb in and get the mascot. Well, it's late. We could go smash a window right now and then hold Baron as a mascot. We got to go, because that's where an anchor is, right?
Starting point is 00:13:18 Look, he stole the mascot. He stole my heart. We got to get them both back and we got to get the mascot outfit. That's what I'm saying here. And look, I know we're all feeling a lot of feelings we're all feeling no we're not we're fine not anymore that's great because i meant what i said earlier this whole thing it's kind of like a family curse i feel like my dad and my grandpa you know they brought this into the world i just want to say if you guys don't want to be here you don't have to be here but if you want to be here then let's get on this adventure.
Starting point is 00:13:45 We're all here, dude. Okay. We're all going to do it. Okay. So we're all in? Yeah. All right. All right.
Starting point is 00:13:50 Hands in the middle. Scary? Okay. Yeah. You want to start with the anchor? I'm game. Who cares? Who cares?
Starting point is 00:13:55 Yeah, we don't have to do it, but who cares? I like that. Yeah, just hang out. As I put my hand in the middle, I mean mug scary, and I do the two fingers at my eyes, and then two fingers over at her, kind of back and forth a few times. I'd take the two fingers from my eyes and then two fingers over at her kind of back and forth a few times I'd take the two fingers from your eyes and then I point them at my butt I put my arm around you too it's like that's right guys we look out for each other no look at each other's butts we watch each other trying to I'm loving this new positive energy
Starting point is 00:14:20 hey let's all do it and I do my eyes at my fingers and I point them at your butts and I point your fingers at my butt I say we're the just the first meeting of the butt watch, let's all do it. And I do my eyes at my fingers and I point them at your butts and I point your fingers at my butt. I say we're just the first meeting of the butt watchers. Let's go. We can work on the name. Okay. Who cares on three? One, two, three. Who cares? We do
Starting point is 00:14:37 or don't, but we're all together. So how do we get into the goof realm? We have to do a scam. We need to pull a scam. And I have a thought on that. I put my two hands out. What are you doing? Which one's got a dollar in it? That one.
Starting point is 00:14:51 I open it up. Is there a dollar in it? No. What about that one? A portal to goof realm out there. I'm joking. I'm joking. Because I open up my other hand and I go, there wasn't a dollar in either hand.
Starting point is 00:15:02 Damn, that's good. I look and wait for a portal to goof realm. And we look around like sniffing the air expectantly. I go, there wasn't a dollar in either hand. Damn, that's good. I look and wait for a while. And we look around like sniffing the air expectantly. I had a thought. It occurred to me. Wait, that didn't work? No, I don't think it worked. That worked on me all the time.
Starting point is 00:15:13 My dad's like, we just do that to me all day. It always worked. All day. And a portal to Goof Realm opens. Oh, that's true. It never opens. God, I'm scary. Damn, I didn't think about that.
Starting point is 00:15:22 You know, here's what I was thinking. Okay. It strikes me that there's been kind of a situation here brewing bottom scary damn that's good i didn't think about that you know here's what i was thinking okay it strikes me that there's been kind of a situation here brewing that we haven't been dealing with at all right like vis-a-vis the mayor and the fbi guys and then you know my mom found out this really great piece of information that she and willie are working together right like they got like some sort of thing going on and i just like you know this whole thing has been like a reboot for me again in the last 30 seconds as i was launching out the window i was like i was looking out at the town i was falling
Starting point is 00:15:48 through the window and i was like this town's going to heck and back and like you know this town is part of the school and the school's part of me so i gotta care about this town too so i was like why don't we you know why don't we solve two problems with one stone and we scam the mayor and had thought on how to do it whoa Whoa, that's a big scam. Okay. It was a long fall. I had a lot of time. This is a big scam.
Starting point is 00:16:07 Yeah. Cause you need to do something even bigger than stealing the mascot of a small suburban high school to open the portal to goof realm. Okay. So here's what I was thinking. Have you guys seen the movie? Yo Jimbo. I look at Taylor assuming like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:16:24 What is that? It's all okay. It's a movie where like the guy he plays two people against each other and so I was like this whole town is being ruined by this alliance there's two teams so it's like a soccer game it's like a soccer game but like imagine there was a wandering
Starting point is 00:16:38 drifter a ref yes a rogue referee who was trying to trick the soccer teams into fighting each other well he wouldn't be a good ref then. Well, but maybe this referee is like complex and like interesting and he's an anti-ref. They are. Regardless, my point is like, why don't we trick Willie and the mayor into fighting each other and then they'll destroy each other and then we'll get into Goof Room. Wait, aren't they already fighting each other?
Starting point is 00:16:58 No, but that was... Mom! Honey, what's up? I finished turning on all the faucets in the house. Thank you. I think we put the fire... Are you okay? You just turned on the faucets?
Starting point is 00:17:06 Yeah, that's all I did. You told me to do that, so I did that. Remember that I used the water to... They're all still on now. We can turn the faucets on. I'll be back in 10 minutes. How many faucets? No, this is...
Starting point is 00:17:17 No, wait, wait, wait, wait. We need your help. We're wasting water. Remember the Sesame Street cartoon with the fish? All right, let's take 10 minutes to turn off all the faucets in the house. 11 minutes later, because she took her time, all the faucets are off. Mom, what were you saying early about your conspiracy board with Willie and the mayor?
Starting point is 00:17:33 So my thought is that it's a false flag operation, that actually they're working together and only pretending to be fighting each other. So what I was saying is why don't we get them to really fight each other, and then it'll be like a good scam. We'll help the town out, and then we'll get into goofs round. How are we going to get get them to really fight each other and then it'll be like a good scam we'll help the town out and then we'll get into goofs round how are we gonna get a pretty two adults to go against each other i mean i don't know what's the scam part what's the scam part i was thinking like you know like those funny scams when like somebody's walking into like a grocery store and then like somebody else is like at the grocery store and they just like hit the milk out of their hand yeah and then beat then beat them up. Hit them, yeah. Yeah, and then take it to the next level. Kill them.
Starting point is 00:18:06 I mean, never mind. Yeah, but you know, it's funny, like, scams on YouTube and stuff. But okay, but like... That's like more of a prank than a scam, I think. Oh, I think you're talking about like... You're talking about pranks. What if we send an email posing
Starting point is 00:18:18 as an eligible single male and or female to each of their inboxes you see and then we invite them i don't know what the second part of this scam is we send okay we send a bunch of letters to everybody in the town okay that's over 70 years old and you disguise it as the social security office and you ask them that social security hasn't been a thing for 30 years. And you tell them that they need to send you 10% of their paychecks every week so that it will go to their closest relative. And you make it in government. That's really jacked up.
Starting point is 00:18:56 Well, it's a scam. I'm not saying it's a good thing to do. I don't know. Maybe we convince Willie that the mayor is going to screw him over. And we convince the mayor that Willie is going to screw her over, and then they fight each other. I'm just nervous because it seems like a really big scam. I'm just trying to figure out what the scam is.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Yeah, I don't know exactly how. I don't know. I was just bringing food to the table. Well, I was bringing social security. This is all the time I had, and then I hit my head. Okay. Okay, so should you go up a level? Yeah, maybe just try doing it.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Like a fifth story call? No, we're not going to push him off the buildings, Gary. I mean, I guess I could try. Or, hey, we can tell him we're not going to push him off the building, but then we push him off the building. That's a pretty good scam. I'm afraid it might hurt him. What are you guys talking about?
Starting point is 00:19:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Nothing. We'll save that one in case. What is a good scam that we can pull on these? So a prank's not a scam. So to remind you of the NPCs that we've met so far, just in case, that's helpful in any way.
Starting point is 00:19:47 You've got Margarita Pizza. You've got Erica Drippins. You've got that library and the Principal of Chaparral, some other people you can talk to. The Mayor's Army is running around, doodlerizing people. You've got... Do we have Miss Hale?
Starting point is 00:19:59 Sonic, you got May Hales. Okay, I call May Hale. Okay. Sorry, maybe you guys already know. I just have... May Hale, can you explain to me the difference between... We got to do a big scam. What's the difference between a scam and a prank?
Starting point is 00:20:10 I'm afraid all my brainstorming is coming up with pranks. Well, the end of a prank is you get to laugh at a person. It's like surprising somebody or making somebody believe something that's not true. A scam directly benefits you in some way. It's usually a lie or something that makes you get money or gives you power or status or something like that. I got an idea.
Starting point is 00:20:30 I got an idea. Let's hear it. What if we all... Hermes is from Chaparral, right? Across town. Yes. What if we all change our names and enroll in Chaparral High
Starting point is 00:20:42 with one goal in mind? As you know, Chaparral is a better school due to their college admissions rate. We all take the SATs and bomb them on purpose, thereby lowering their ranking as a school, and the U.S. News and Report, whatever the fucking... But there's four of us. Ah, here's the key. And like 600 students.
Starting point is 00:21:02 No, the math checks out. The math checks out. Hold on, hold on hold on i don't know much about math but i do know that'll help with fucking up the sats that will help yes but here's the thought what if we start an sat study group and feed them the wrong answers so that we bomb the whole school and then their reputation is ruined here a scam often involves the people doing the scam knowing something that the people who aren't doing the scam don't know but we know because we're doing the scam right
Starting point is 00:21:30 so what's something that we know that nobody else knows uh that hermy disappeared nobody else knows that so it could be like i don't know you and her to be her me yeah because her he's always changing into different people right so like chaper like he's got parents right are we supposed to be at school the principal might like like is there something we could do like that then makes us millionaires because that's a scam right you're saying we should impersonate her me torpedo his chances at getting into a college by failing his classes and committing felonies in his name. Oh, we could empty his parents' bank accounts. I think it'd be more like
Starting point is 00:22:09 we pretend to be Hermie and then convince his parents to give us their social security number and then we can extract all their money. I thought that Jody was his dad. Oh, wait, but we met his parents. You met one of his birth parents. The parents that you met at his house are his adoptive parents.
Starting point is 00:22:28 A chaparral-based high scam. Okay, let's think, let's think, let's think. Hermes is our point of inquest because no one knows that he's gone. We all know that he looks like different people, so any one of us could seemingly be Hermes at any time. We go to Hermes. Can I, before I say this. This is safe space, Lincoln.
Starting point is 00:22:43 Okay, I don't want any judgment on this. Okay. Okay. I'm just trying to save the world. Like no judgment. I feel bad. No, I don't want to say. No, what was it? What was it? Okay, we go. We all dress up as adopted in agency people and we go to his house and we say you two have been such bad parents
Starting point is 00:23:00 that we've taken Hermes from you. But if you want him back, you give us $5,000 or something. And then when they hand that money over, like maybe goof roll will be open up because it's pretty funny. Yeah, that's a good idea. Worst case scenario.
Starting point is 00:23:13 They're going to be worried, right? They don't know his kid. That's great. Worst case scenario, we got $5,000. And like maybe some jail time. No, no, no, no. But that'd be cool cool now, but we're
Starting point is 00:23:25 minors, so we can't go to jail, right? I don't think that's how it works. Wait till you're an adult and then they don't. Okay, so we're not going to sit down from the evil mayor. I don't know what the scam was. I just came up with we could do in like a couple
Starting point is 00:23:41 minutes and if it doesn't work, we could save the mayor. We could do the mayor. No, I don't want to step on. You're right. We could do the mayor thing. I just came up with we could do in like a couple minutes and if it doesn't work we could save the mayor. We could do the mayor. No, I don't want to step on. You're right. We could do the mayor thing. I just wasn't sure what the scam was. I just don't know. Yeah, I don't have a clear Okay, so like what if one of us goes in with the mayor to be like an intern and one of us goes undercover with Willie. This is too dangerous.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Well, hey, Taylor. Taylor, Taylor. He didn't even finish his sentence. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's pretty dangerous. It would be like we sort of let slip that, you know, we heard that. I'm pretty tall, though. So, like, I can look like an adult.
Starting point is 00:24:13 Yeah. Isn't that a good scam? You sound like an adult. You know, like, he trusts me. He thinks that I'm smart sometimes. And he thinks that I can outwit people. sometimes and he thinks that i can i can he thinks that i could outwit people and so i i i could go undercover and be like hey what what do you want and then he'd be like oh is that what you're asking you're asking me questions oh you're so dumb for asking me questions but then i could
Starting point is 00:24:39 like learn what the question is underneath that and then like learn what you could be like hey the mayor's scary tells willie that we got captured by the mayor. And then we found out that the mayor is planning on betraying him. Right. And then one of us, we get them to, do you know what I mean? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:56 Would Willie, I guess. Yeah. We can see if like Willie will save the world here. So why don't we do a scam? That's to help save the world as opposed to doing a scam. That's just going to give them money back after we use what we needed to for the adventure. After our fees.
Starting point is 00:25:09 Thank you. Okay, but I feel like they talk to each other, so we need to actually get... We need to separate. Here's the problem. Assuming that your mom is right and there's a false flag operation going on. Taylor, wait.
Starting point is 00:25:20 Yeah, what? Your mom's a voice actor, right? She's really good at voices? Wow. Do you think she could impersonate the mayor? Or an adoption agency. I bet you she could. I bet you she could.
Starting point is 00:25:31 I feel like we're moving away from the adoption agencies. I'm still on the adoption agency. I think you're literally split 50-50. You bring up a good point, which is that we don't have enough intelligence. In the first part of any scam, it's like casing the joint, right? You've got to work things over, right? Yeah could like we could just go see what's going on with the mayor and see if we can find a point of ingress over there okay so we're gonna go meet the mayor if this doesn't work we can go do the adoption because marco and and grant said like
Starting point is 00:25:57 the worst thing that would ever happen is if i was taken away from them so i just feel like it's a really good scam like they would be so upset and then we would get money so that's all i'm saying so okay let's go meet the mayor and then if not we can ruin these two oh there's a really good scam. They would be so upset. And then we would get money. So that's all I'm saying. So, okay, let's go meet the mayor. And then if not, we can ruin these stupid ones' lives. Oh, there's a really easy way of ruining their lives, too, by the way, just as a side note. As you said, Hermia's gone. We could just call Child Protective Agency, CPA, and just tell them. You don't want to ruin their lives.
Starting point is 00:26:18 That's not a scam. That's just ruining someone's life. I don't understand what a scam is. Do you know where your adoptive child is? Yeah, see, if you report to the agency that this child is missing and they don't know that, that's pretty bad. I'm pretty sure that we could get her taken away from his adoptive parents. Let's talk about it on the way to the mayor's office. Mom? Yes? Sorry, I was You took so long.
Starting point is 00:26:45 Sorry, I was just trying out some voices, I guess. That was my shithead voice. Yes, son, what's up? Mom, we want to pull a scam on the mayor to play Willie and the mayor against each other. I love you so much. He just grabs you and pulls you under a bus. I love you so much. I love you too, Mom.
Starting point is 00:26:59 It's been really crazy lately, but I'm glad we're getting to spend some time together. So yeah, we want to do like a Yojimbo move on them, but like we need to get out of the house first. And like, can we get these guys out of here? Well, I think that Willie is the one that owns the cops. Do you have any way of contacting him and maybe getting the call off the fuzz? Scary. Do you feel, I don't spend, do you feel. I've got an idea.
Starting point is 00:27:20 Okay. A scam maybe. Yeah. So what if you guys just like play dead really quick okay like i don't know drop to the floor drop to the floor maybe we could get some fake blood or do something like that and then i'll take a selfie yeah and then i'll be like, yo, Willie, this happened. And like you say, like you did it. Yeah, I did it.
Starting point is 00:27:49 Oh my God, I love that. And then the cops will leave because they think we're all dead. You're super in with Willie. I'll be like really like strong about it too. I'll be like, I did it. Now let me out of this fucking house. Yeah. And then you know what's great too is then, you know, maybe you'll be like, I need a harder mission. And then they'll send you to work for the mayor.
Starting point is 00:28:05 So you can be like, I can spy on the mayor for you or something. Okay. It's all going to go like that. I'm sure. So that's funny prank. When does it become a scam? I like this. So we all die.
Starting point is 00:28:15 Willie's like, oh, cool. Well, I don't. So then. They're dead. Scary gets in with the mayor's office. She becomes the spy in at the mayor. And then the three of us, we're dead now. Right.
Starting point is 00:28:24 So we can go wherever we want. We can do whatever we want. So we're on the outside. We're hiding spy and at the mayor. And then the three of us, we're dead now, right? So we can go wherever we want. We can do whatever we want. So we're on the outside. We're hiding in the shadows. Wait, what did you say, Matt? We spook her. We go, boo-ha! She thinks we're dead. That's just a prank. That's not a prank. That's something, but maybe we get some intel from Scary, our woman on the inside, and then we
Starting point is 00:28:39 use that to pull the scam. So we can also just go to the mayor's office because she won't be suspicious because she thinks we're dead. And we can sell her go to the mayor's office because she won't be suspicious because she thinks we're dead and we can sell her chocolates for charity. But the chocolates are full of X-Lax. But we keep the money. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:54 Oh, we say it's for charity. Yeah. And it's not. But it's not. It's just going to line our pockets. This is a good scam. What's her fake charity called?
Starting point is 00:29:02 Oh, that's how because she won't, the mayor doesn't let anybody come to her so you pretend to kill us and? That's how, because she won't, the mayor doesn't let anybody come to her. So you pretend to kill us. And then when you get there, cause she'll probably invite you because you like killed us while you're there. Be like, Hey, while I'm here, can I sell you some chocolates for the charity?
Starting point is 00:29:15 And then when she hands the money, you just need to say out loud, like psych. As for me and hopefully the goof room will be open and we'll be in the cart with all the chocolates that when the goof room opens because we have to be we're scary perfect we all have to jump in so wait oh sorry lincoln just to be clear i don't know what i said so like if you guys remember it's gone now scary is pushing like a flight attendant trolley full of chocolates but we're perfect no okay we already have plenty of experience hiding in food-based objects to accomplish goals. Mom, here's what we do. We, okay, there's a lot going on.
Starting point is 00:29:50 We're dead. No one knows. Scary's in with Willie. She goes to the mayor. What's this gift that she brings to the mayor? Why? It's an entire crate full of Swallow's vegan ice cream. The best ice cream in town.
Starting point is 00:30:01 But you know who's in that ice cream? The three of us. She's selling it for charity. She's got to sell it for charity. That's the scam for charity that's the scam the scam is getting the money it's just giving them just giving them ice cream but it's not with you normal but it's just a and then she she wheels us over the mayor we scam the mayor we go up in the portal and then you know we uh we come in the mayor's doing a lot of work in that. It's a big scam. It's a load-bearing fucking scam. Huge scam, and then as we're jumping out, as we're going into goof round, we say,
Starting point is 00:30:30 by the way, Willie lied to you. This was all to sabotage you, just so we get that going. And then we also... You ever been in a writer's room and somebody really wants this one idea to make it into the episode? Guys, I just keep thinking about this one thing I had. I feel like the room is kind of circling in two. We just keep forgetting.
Starting point is 00:30:49 We will find out more information. What's nice is if we're on the cart, we can pivot. We can change our plan. If we're in there, we find out something good about the mayor, we can always change the scam. This plan has what Nassim Nicholas Taleb calls optionality, which means you have the ability to choose what you're going to do at any moment.
Starting point is 00:31:06 Wow. He's an ancient philosopher from the old days. Who was really into like how buff he was. Oh, okay. So it sounds like your plan is at the very minimum. Yes, Anthony, read it back to us verbatim, please. So you are going to fake the murder of everybody at the hands of Scary.
Starting point is 00:31:22 You're going to have Scary put on the hat and talk to Willie and tell her about that. Somehow parlay that into a meeting with the mayor. When you're with the mayor, you're going to try to sell her a bunch of vegan ice cream. As she hands you the money, you are then going to go, psych.
Starting point is 00:31:33 And then hopefully- It's not for charity, it's for us. Psych is not for charity, it's for us. And then I guess you all jump out of there. And also it's not ice cream. And then you all jump out of the ice cream and hopefully a portal to Goof Realm opens and you run through it.
Starting point is 00:31:43 As you jump through it, Normal says, by the way, this was all planned from willie he hates you what could go wrong mrs oaks garcia um so also oh i'm so sorry mr people get it wrong i get it wrong sometimes we should probably we should probably have her pretend to be dead too and then you can say like i didn't mean to kill her but she saw it so i added she got in the way just like the more death the better in terms of like really proud of you this is fun yeah that's fine I have some corn syrup and some red food coloring we could make a whole project of it okay all right so does somebody want to roll is there
Starting point is 00:32:14 something for like crafting or artifice I also not to like hijack this but I think there's a one in 20 chance that you roll a natural one no I well yes yes that's you know what you're right thank you you're right I hear you I think yes that's you know what you're right thank you you're right i hear you willie convinces you to join him again or something no that scary tries to kill you for real that's for real yeah okay let's go for it let's go for it i mean i'm 20 i'll take those odds so we're gonna roll what like it feels like deception just a deception that's good why i had a question for three i'm breathing when she takes this selfie your eyes are open and you're looking at the camera but also i guess it should be a group
Starting point is 00:32:49 role probably right we all yes you all everybody roll deception together advantage because it's on a phone and all that jazz you know advantage because it's on a phone the plan is she's the plan is she's taking a selfie yes you have multiple tries at this okay i feel so yeah we'll say all right i rolled a four plus four eight taylor the entire time is trying to figure out what's the right most believable pose that he would die in just doesn't make sense that i'll be stabbed from the front because of my my skills it feels like with an eight you cannot help but like go into seppuku like pose like you did it to yourself because you're a samurai yeah yeah it's all the poses where you're like i don't know if that quite and that's also i'm not totally still i got 10 okay it's gonna be all up to your deception rule i think while
Starting point is 00:33:27 you're talking to willie with this all right scary go ahead make a roll i got a 12 is that for deception yeah okay now i'm gonna roll to see if i'm compelled to want to try to kill you guys well it's like when you said one in 20 chance that she would join willie i think the odds are more like five and ten we're just laying down on the ground, though, so how are you going to kill us? Well, I'm just going to, if I get a natural one, that's what happens. Okay. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:33:49 Good God. This is a dangerous-ass roll. We're all just going to let this happen? I'm just trying to do... Does anybody think that's untrue to our character? Because I sure don't. Go ahead. Go, go, go.
Starting point is 00:33:57 Roll it. A seven. Oh, the most one-resembling number. I want to take an insight roll to see if Link just saw Scary look at them a little weird. It's like Link's covering himself in blood. He notices Scary just like glancing at him. Yeah, go ahead and make an insight roll. It's an 11.
Starting point is 00:34:16 Oh, you didn't notice. Two ones. She's probably thinking of soccer. Okay, so that's your first picture you took. It kind of sucks. What I'll say now is that you'll take the picture again, and it's a good one, but now when you show Willie, you're going to have a 50% chance of showing him the wrong one
Starting point is 00:34:29 because they're both on your phone, and the thumbnails look identical, and this phone doesn't allow you to delete pictures. Wait, scary. Oh, damn, dude. Screw you, bitch. Screw you, bitch. Dude fucking crushed it.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Sorry, I'm one step ahead, Holmes. That's the ultimate fucking invisible wall in a video game, just like turn the corner. Nope. Wait, scary. Take another picture on my phone, which allows you to delete pictures. I can do this. You got this, scary.
Starting point is 00:34:56 I would like to cast guidance on scary. Okay. Scary. And I put my hand on your shoulder and say, you can do this. You're like really good at this kind of stuff. So just believe in yourself, but don't care. You don't care. You don't care how this goes.
Starting point is 00:35:10 You don't give a shit if we live or die. You don't care what Willie thinks. So just, you know, don't give a fuck. I don't care. Don't give a French and Frick, dude. Okay. And I cast guidance. So yes, now once before the spell ends,
Starting point is 00:35:21 roll a d4 and add it to an ability check of your choice. Which we will say is also a skill check because fuck ability checks. I don't care. What's the difference? Ability is like wisdom, strength, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Skill is like deception. I see. Scary when you're talking to Willy, just actually pretend we're dead.
Starting point is 00:35:35 Okay. Yeah, there you go. That's mild. That was odd, but yeah. And scary. If this doesn't work, I'll kill you. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right, all right, that's fine, that's fine, that's fine.
Starting point is 00:35:49 I put on the cap. You fall asleep, and you're back in the void, and Willie's there. The instant that she's down, I draw my katana and hold it at her throat. If she betrays us, I will not hesitate to pull the trigger. We're supposed to be playing dead, dude. We already took the picture. The entire time you've been playing dead.
Starting point is 00:36:07 I get up. Hey, Willie. What's going... You know, I was just kidding when I asked for a hug. That was... No, no, I know. That's why I laughed at it. That was a pretty good scam, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, don't fucking pat yourself on the back, but yeah. It was funny. Okay, well, just want you
Starting point is 00:36:23 to know that I did it. You did what? You want you to know that I did it. You did what? You don't even know? I killed him. You killed who? Oh, some would say friends, but more like foes and dead ones at that. You can see he's trying not to get irritated.
Starting point is 00:36:45 He goes, so you killed the three people who we can put into the Omegara fault door so we can get to the other realm where there's an anchor. So you killed the only way that we could get to the other realm is what you did. I just got mad. You have to. How do you guys think she's doing in there?
Starting point is 00:37:04 I think she's doing great. She's doing great she's so peaceful when she sleeps she's really sweaty right now you're supposed to be the smart one you're supposed to be the one that can control your emotions normal's the fuck up who can't control his shit what do you mean look you got mad i got how did you kill the how did how what did you do i are their bodies i cast a spell and i. What spell? I cast. What did you cast? I cast. Are you fucking lying?
Starting point is 00:37:30 He leans in close, fucking Logan Roy style. He's like, are you fucking crying? I'm not crying. He leans in close. He goes, are you fucking lying to me? And he's going to roll insight on you. So he got a six. So he goes, nah, you're not lying to me.
Starting point is 00:37:44 It's a little blurry. It's a little blurry it's a little blurry you really did kill i mean i'm yeah i cast uh i cast spider climb but i didn't cast it well so they all fell down from a height and they all died and i did that on purpose you have fireball beth i cast fireball too and you know what i cast my face against their skulls and I felt them crack. Okay, so. And I didn't care. I show him the photo. So he sees your three other pals covered in blood.
Starting point is 00:38:12 And I'm dabbing. My eyes wide open staring straight at the camera. I'm dabbing. Anthony, by the way, here's the thing. It's that if she accidentally hits live photo, you can see all of us like getting up yeah that's what it is that's what it is okay so roll a d20 11 or above you hit the right one 10 or below you hit live photo oh god okay 14 okay okay so you put up the correct photo everyone looks dead now you just gotta sell with your deception roll taylor looks really cool dead though i didn't
Starting point is 00:38:43 thought he looked so cool when he was dead but he didn't yeah he looks like a little fucking dweeb yeah okay time with his butt in the air like that fuck I got a nine so he goes what are you not telling me I cried after I
Starting point is 00:39:00 killed him I was really I know that I just you know decided not to care anymore but part of the it tugged on my heartstrings as a as a former friend and um and then i also um peed a little bit so you when you first start talking about crying you see this like disgust on his face and he like kind of like recoils back a little bit and the pee thing he was like but just go ahead and roll deception with advantage because the idea of you being a big baby little teenage girl yeah a little teenage girl that's what he was i know i know but i oh fuck yeah 19 wow the first roll was a one oh he goes okay well we don't have to talk
Starting point is 00:39:40 about girl stuff that's fine you do what you have to do. I hate when girls pee. Not the peeing, the crying. I know you pee out of the other hole even. So, pretty big deal that I know that. Really? Ally. Yeah, you're an ally. I am. That said, you're fucking stupid for killing them because now we have to
Starting point is 00:40:06 find another way into faerun or earth i guess well i was thinking we could work with the mayor she probably has all sorts of ways into different realms and stuff like that being as uh shifty as she is yeah i mean that's where she's from originally you're not you're not wrong maybe she has a way back well she's from earth you know? Well, she's from Earth. The place where the doodler's ass is overhead, that's Earth. So yeah, she is from Earth originally and she came here and I got her onto our side. But yeah, that's not the worst idea.
Starting point is 00:40:34 I could just be like a intern for her, work my way up and then... Or you could just ask. You could just go ask. Yeah, I could do that. I can call ahead. Do you want to call on a special phone? Roll deception.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Two. I didn't think so, but. He's like, no, I never use other people's phones. There's too many of those phones that only dial one number hanging around. I don't trust them. Yeah, no, give her a call. Okay, so he takes out his phone, and he dials a number with 17 digits in it. What a cursive number.
Starting point is 00:41:17 What a strange, non-Euclidean phone number with digits beyond her wildest imagination. What did you love best about season two? Oh, the world building. So you're telling me he dials into like a Zoom conference line where there's like you gotta put your
Starting point is 00:41:29 meeting ID and shit? Yeah, and he goes representative. And then I change my background to the dead bodies. He dials a 70 digit forbidden number.
Starting point is 00:41:38 69, 69, 69. Yeah, 69. 420. And then it sticks at the end. I know, 420's better. It's 69, 420 times, baby. Just wait there for a minute.
Starting point is 00:41:48 So, yeah, he calls her. He goes, yeah, so I got a kid that's going to come by. Just show her the portal. Like, you have some way of twirling around or something. I don't fucking care. Just talk to her. I'm dealing with other shit right now. So, yeah, she's going to.
Starting point is 00:42:00 What are you dealing with? Your fucking dads. Oh, and how are you doing that? I'm going to find a way to make sure that they're not much of an issue anymore. But to say anymore would be, it'd be spoiling it, frankly. For you. I mean, you hate your dad, right? Your stepdad, Terry?
Starting point is 00:42:17 Yeah. Yeah. So fucking why have your birthday cake before your birthday, you know? Damn. I guess. I should have made that a present reference, like a present metaphor. Yeah, because you could eat birthday cake at any time. I didn't ask you to fucking agree with me.
Starting point is 00:42:27 I'm just trying material out on an audience. I don't fucking ask for feedback. I know. I know. Yeah. And I don't really care. I mean, I don't. Alright, so we're done here? We're good? Yeah. Yep, fuck off. And then you wake up. How'd it go?
Starting point is 00:42:46 Taylor's got a knife at your throat. Oh, Taylor, she's up. Link's been working on a poster for, like, abandoned animals for the charity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The charity grips, yeah. Yeah. It went pretty well, I guess. So do I slit?
Starting point is 00:43:00 What? What? No. What are we talking about? Get the... I pull this... Put the sword down, dude. And I swing it and it does a little sword down, dude. And I swing it
Starting point is 00:43:06 and it does a little, I push it. And I die. Is it sharp? Is it sharp? Or is that a fucking, or is that a maul sword? Well,
Starting point is 00:43:12 I think like maul, like maul katana's what happens is they're sharp, but like for like one cut is really what it is. Do you know what I'm saying? And one's all you need when you're Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:43:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're dull from the beginning. They're just like, sharp in a sword, regardless. They're usually sharp, but they don't hold that sharp. This is what it Swift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're dull from the beginning. They're just like. No, no, no. They're usually. Sharp in a sword. Regardless. They're usually sharp, but they don't hold that sharp. This is what it is. Damn.
Starting point is 00:43:29 That was like me in the gifted program in elementary school. Nice. Nice. So, okay. So what's the deal? Yeah, download it. So I'm going to tell you what's going down. And then you do.
Starting point is 00:43:41 I guess the only version that would matter though is like. Do you tell us about our dads? Yeah, our dads. Do you tell us that? Do you tell us that he's doing something with our dads? No, I don't think I do Damn, okay As we drive, we can make this Wait, before we go, can I just have a word with my dad?
Starting point is 00:43:53 Where is he? He's dead His legs? His legs Can I have the room, please? Taylor, I can do you one better than that I'm not interested in your witchcraft Oh, a new interesting direction for Taylor. When you spent the night at his house,
Starting point is 00:44:08 you didn't see a single Harry Potter book. And not for the good reason. I don't like Harry Potter. Yeah, but do you not like it 10 years ago? For the last five years. Taylor, I can cast a spell called sending. You send a short message of 25 words or less to a creature with which you are familiar.
Starting point is 00:44:25 The creature hears the message in its mind, recognizes you as the center of it to know you and can answer to like matter immediately. The spell enables creatures with intelligence scores of at least one to understand the meaning of your message. I mean, your dad's kind of a himbo, but I think he's got at least one intelligence. Thank you. You can send the message across any distance, even to other planes of existence. Oh, hey.
Starting point is 00:44:43 But if the target is on a different plane than you, there's a 5% chance that the message doesn't arrive. Okay, all right. So give me 25 words. Give me like a tweet. Okay, make sure it ends with sad. So in all caps, Taylor says, Hey, Dad, I am not sure if you can hear me or not,
Starting point is 00:45:04 but I just wanted to say, hang on, and I'm going to come. Don't say it like that. I'm not going to say it like that in the message. I'm not going to say it like that in the message. You look and it says C-U-M. It says C-U-M. Yeah. Dude, don't say it like that.
Starting point is 00:45:21 It's here in front of you and it's C-U-M. And it vibrates a little. All the other words are still that word vibrates. It's like when you send with an effect in like iMessage. I send the message.
Starting point is 00:45:32 I'm going to come get you and save you. I send the message. I love you and I hope to spend quite a lot. We're over our character limit. It ended on come.
Starting point is 00:45:40 This is like a fucking calendar. Alright, so you send it. You can't respond back though unless you do. 5% chance though it doesn't get to him five percent chance. What is that? Come here and look There's no response it should go to a random person yeah
Starting point is 00:46:01 So am I supposed to hear something back? I don't know how long a message takes. But his legs melt in front of you. There is a spell killed my dad. What? No, no. It's a spell. The legs are not the important part. The other part of his body.
Starting point is 00:46:17 He's probably just regrew them wherever he is. Guys, let's just go to the mayor. Okay. I know. She's just like she's going through. We're all going. She's on thin ice with me. Okay. That know. She's just like, she's going through. She's on thin ice with me, okay? No, that's fair. I'm keeping an eye on her.
Starting point is 00:46:29 If she makes one false move, it's just between us. She's right here, dude. Scary, plug your ears. I don't care enough to plug my ears. God fucking damn it, scary. All right. Okay. We go and we make a chocolate cart.
Starting point is 00:46:42 So basically you hollow out some empty Swallow's vegan ice cream containers. Here's what it is, is that Normal has read one book and it's The Hobbit and he can think of one scheme and it's hiding in a big barrel. Well, I like the idea that she has like a push cart. Like you see like, you know, like you see like in LA those guys, you know, like ring, ring, ring, ring. It's got like sleigh bells on it.
Starting point is 00:47:02 Yeah. Okay. It's got like some fucking Fritos hanging off the side. Cause sometimes you're not in the mood for ice cream. It's full of booby traps, like the baby cart. Yeah. It's got a bunch of different like windows and stuff. You can put your hand out of,
Starting point is 00:47:14 if you need to like little flaps and stuff. Link was using your family computer and was getting little pictures of like just sick looking animals. And it says like, you know, money for the abandoned animals of San Dimas. And your little ice cream song that plays as you push it around is the sarah mclaughlin song in the arms of an angel
Starting point is 00:47:29 so scary i think you're just gonna tell her that like thanks for meeting you but also while you're here like you gotta work on a school project yeah you're part now the girl's cause but like yeah you're just you need to raise money and like oh whatever she wants you to do you can't do it until you finish this so like maybe she could buy all the ice cream so you don't have to keep because you can't work for her or do whatever until you're done. So yeah. So solid ice cream. And then what are you going to say when she buys it?
Starting point is 00:47:51 Psych. Psych. Nice. Psych. Yes. The magic word. I'm just throwing this out there. Like what if Willie finds out that we did this?
Starting point is 00:47:59 Well, he will because it's a scam. So he's totally going to know. Oh, okay. But we're going to be in the goof realm yeah yeah it'll work i mean scary like there's no way unless you do kill us like eventually he's gonna find out that you didn't do it yeah miss wales oh garcia to cover our tracks can you please plan our funerals do you not want a funeral requires a body.
Starting point is 00:48:25 That's not going to cover your tracks. It's going to draw more attention to it. Closed casket. Wait. No, that's true. I don't want you to get hurt. Do you think your mom could find some corpses? You want me to find four?
Starting point is 00:48:38 Oh, you're still here. Just so that like- You want me to find three kids that look kind of like you or a dad. If you were in the goof realm, it'd be good for's sake if Willie did think that kids did die in here. Okay. Could you deal with that? Yeah, yeah. And the police?
Starting point is 00:48:50 Yes. At the very least, I can find an adult corpse for you because you're tall. The other two, yeah, I could. It's going to be emotionally difficult for me to imagine a corpse that looks like my baby boys. I don't want to think about that at all. For sale, Ma Katana, never used. Just get real nasty with it. Like you can't identify the body.
Starting point is 00:49:07 No, she showed a picture of you guys with your heads down. Or ashes. It's much easier if you just burn the house down. Oh, burn the house down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my house that I just saved. No, we're not burning my house down. You guys are overthinking it.
Starting point is 00:49:16 It's not a big deal. I think I really did you a favor here. Good luck looking for a corpse. Normally you need, I never thought I would say this, but you're the coolest of your friends and you need better ones. Thanks, Mom. Hey, wait a minute hell okay so she drives you uh cross town thank
Starting point is 00:49:31 you for the ride miss valdo garcia it's still happening we're still in the moment i'm gonna narrate a little bit thank you for the ride that we're currently having yes you're welcome for what i'm currently doing as you drive the ac down a little bit back here? Yes. As you drive downtown towards City Hall, you see the city get more and more- I've never seen a building so tall. That's what I say as I hang out the window. What are you referencing there? Nothing.
Starting point is 00:49:54 He's never seen City. No, it's that movie about the kid who's like from the jungle. Jungle to jungle? Oh my God. What? The most insane reference that has ever happened on this fucking podcast. You were in an episode where we referenced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Secret of the Ooze. You outdid me somehow.
Starting point is 00:50:10 Jungle to Jungle starring Tim Allen. It was funny to me. It was so funny you decided to say it out fucking loud. Because obviously Sam Stevens probably doesn't have any building stars. And you lived as San Dimas. I've never seen Half-Life as hard in my life. You were the stupidest fucking thing ever. Pat, your character has lived in San Dimas his whole life.
Starting point is 00:50:33 He's saying San Dimas is like a podunk town compared to L.A., I guess. I can't explain why I said it. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. You fucking, you maladjusted son of a bitch. I'm going to look up the Sandima City Hall. No, don't bother. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:50:47 Just going to Street View just to see what the area looks like. And there's nothing taller than two stories. Oh, no, there's a house that's two stories tall across the street. Remember how the third act turn of that movie is when he's like, I was obligated to keep you. He's like, obligated? Yeah. Remember that?
Starting point is 00:51:03 Remember that? Yep. It's fucking wild that wildly remember that shit. I haven't thought about that movie since I was like seven years old. You don't remember any of the rules of Dungeons and Dragons? No. That stuff's staying in there for good. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:51:16 I'm sorry. You can narrate. I will not interrupt you. I'm sorry. All right. So you drive. You were just in a two-story house. There's these buildings at all. I know the. All right. So you drive. You are just in a two-story house. There are sea buildings.
Starting point is 00:51:27 It's tall. I know the shot so well. He's like up against the taxi. Look at him at the. And they're like, whoa. They're taller than trees. But there's like trees. It's that demon said trees would be taller than the buildings.
Starting point is 00:51:41 Like for sure. Anyways. All right. Jungle to Jungle. 1997 just said you know that movie with the kid where the trees and he's looking at the buildings i just said a line from who nobody remembers so yeah as you drive downtown towards city, you see the city around you get more and more chaotic and violent as the mayor's influence grows. You see overturned cars, bonfires. The number of doodlerized people you see grows exponentially as you get closer.
Starting point is 00:52:17 They're walking around as if in a haze. You see some people just vomiting black ooze onto the ground. Somebody's just screaming and pulling out their hair. Eventually you come to City hall and Rebecca is like, I can't stay here for very long. You see a lot of those dude, the eyes people are like their attention's getting turned onto your car and kind of like shambling zombies.
Starting point is 00:52:33 They're starting to move in quick. I love the ice cream before we go. I just want to say like, we haven't had a lot of time to talk lately and I'm going through a lot of stuff, but I want you to know that I love you and it's going to be okay. We're going to, we're going to make it through this and we're going to help. Yeah. Anyway, that's all. I just, I give her a big hug. Okay be okay. We're going to, we're going to make it through this and we're going to help. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:45 Anyway, that's all. I just, I give her a big hug. Okay. She goes, oh, oh yeah. Thank you. I know we'll make it through this and you will too. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you.
Starting point is 00:52:53 And then normal just kind of cries and hugs her. Thanks mom. No, no problem. I'm just going to drive around in circles until you reappear. We didn't actually have a plan for how he's going to come pick you up or what was going to happen after that. No mom, go be safe. Go protect yourself.
Starting point is 00:53:07 We'll be fine. We're troopers. We can handle it. All right. And she hands you her assault rifle, and she goes, you use this before you think. Don't even give him time to fucking try to argue with you. If you've got to use it, you've got to use it, my man.
Starting point is 00:53:18 There's no safety on this one, Ms. Falzow Garcia. Yeah, your uncle taught me the only safety is your finger and your mind. So you do what you've got to do. Okay. All right, everyone. We're going The only safety is your finger and your mind. So you do what you gotta do. Okay. Hi, everyone. We're gonna be... Alright, so just a review. We're all going in the ice cream cart. Yep. Hop in. And then you're pushing us, right, Scary? I'm pushing you.
Starting point is 00:53:35 It's scary if you pull any shit. I'll kill you. Alright. So you're all in the ice cream push cart. Three boys in an assault rifle with no safety on it. Yeah. An ice cream cart heading towards the city hall. So it's very small.
Starting point is 00:53:51 I'm sticking my finger like behind the trigger so that like it can't accidentally call. Yeah. And I'm pointing. It doesn't work when I try to pull the trigger. We're good to go. And I'm down the spout. See if there are bullets in there and i'm pointing it
Starting point is 00:54:06 back towards where scary is pushing us don't worry that's our insurance and i pull out something we haven't used in a long time and i pull out my human gun i bite my fingernails and i look oh wait that's right you have you still have that yeah didn't we lose all our stuff you lost all this stuff that was in the trunk of the car yeah i kept it in my back pocket he was holding on to he kept that fucking high and tight dude, right by his fucking groin. No, it shouldn't just be me. Each of you give me a little fingernail or something. No, my fingernails are already.
Starting point is 00:54:31 Okay, I pluck a hair. Ow! I give you one of my boogers. Okay. I bite my lip and I bleed. Oh, okay, cool. So just in the order is scary, Normal, Taylor, Link. That's when I shoot the bullets.
Starting point is 00:54:46 Go ahead and write that down. It's just a small detail, but as Scary approaches City Hall, it's like there's the ramp that she could push the cart up, but she's very stubbornly dragging it up the stairs one step. Yeah, which is very unpleasant for you guys. I must be so yoked. Yeah, she must be very strong to pull three boys up the stairs in the cart. And some ice cream.
Starting point is 00:55:02 And some ice cream. Well, there's no ice cream. It's just you guys. I thought that there was ice cream on top. Well, there's no ice cream. It's just you guys. It's very insulated. I thought that there was ice cream on top. Yeah, there's gotta be like a couple. It's a mirror on top. It's got a curtain. It's a curtain around the trolley.
Starting point is 00:55:14 So you start heading in and you see some doodlerized people beginning to lurch towards you and you hear over the loudspeakers. Oh, no need to lurch. I'm here to see the mayor. They're like and they're just walking towards you and sounding more and more orgasmic as they get close to you. And the mayor, that's how I come. And the mayor gets on the loudspeaker and you hear,
Starting point is 00:55:32 Let her through, please. Let her through. She has a meeting with the mayor. It's fine. Everyone stops, stalks still, and you walk past an ocean of still staring faces watching you and tracking you with their heads as you walk into City Hall. That's right. I'm getting into politics. All right. So you headed to the office, I assume? Her office? Yep. There's a clear path to her office, but on either side of that path are several holes, purple and undulating and meaty and fleshy on either side of the pathway. And you can
Starting point is 00:56:03 investigate them more if you'd like to, or if you could just keep going into the office, it's up to you. Well, I guess I'll investigate if they look like portals. Go ahead. 11. So 11, you can tell they are portals. You can't tell to where, but you can tell that they are definitely quick ways
Starting point is 00:56:16 from getting wherever the mayor is to wherever she wants to get to. She's got a fast travel system in here too. This may be easier than we thought. At least within this realm, you can tell that. Oh, fuck. Never mind. So it might just be like a teleportation around this realm.
Starting point is 00:56:29 Yes. She's got fast travel in this level, but she can't go somewhere where it requires a new loading screen. Unless she pushes through one of those really narrow little walls. Oh, yeah. She had a... God of War, one of the writers, Anthony Burch, you guys, full on. Okay.
Starting point is 00:56:41 So you head into the office of the mayor and she stands up. She's writing what looks to be a bill. And then you see on the table, it's actually just a corpse and she's just etching into its back with a razor blade. And the guy's name is Bill. And his name's Bill. Oh, that's fun.
Starting point is 00:56:54 Yeah, he's got a name tag on his chest that you would see if you looked under, but you're not going to. It says, my name is Bill. She goes, I'm so sorry. You got me at a busy time. There's so many things to do. There's so many things to do.
Starting point is 00:57:04 And her face gets tighter and her eyes bulge out a little bit more. And she goes, I've been told that you're a very enterprising young woman and you wanted to speak with me. You've killed some people. And that's that's very I think we could have a very good use for you in our organization. Oh, that's great. You know, there's only like one problem is that I I have this charity assignment for school that I need to finish before I could be an enterprising young woman. But if only there were some way to
Starting point is 00:57:33 get more money for the animals. Won't somebody think of the animals is what I'm always trying to say. She's doing a great job. Oh yeah, press the little button. In the arms of the music store.
Starting point is 00:57:49 So go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage because you have the image of the sad puppies and in the arms of an angel playing. 16. So with a 16, she goes like, oh, I'm always one for charity. It's always good to do a little charity before re-election time comes up.
Starting point is 00:58:05 So yeah, I love an animal just as much as the next one, especially fried or baked. Just kidding. Just kidding. Little joke. You're so funny. Little joke. Can I kiss you on the forehead?
Starting point is 00:58:14 Can I kiss you? Just lean in. She leans in. Lips puckering. I just want to give you a little kiss on the forehead. For the cameras. For the cameras you see. And she gestures at the wall where there's nothing there.
Starting point is 00:58:23 And she goes, for the cameras you see. Yeah, I guess I don't care. Okay, here we go. Here it comes. You need a big check. So you want to do a kiss with a big check. Oh, I actually realized I do kisses on the forehead for big checks. It's a good photo.
Starting point is 00:58:41 Photo op. Think of the optics. Big check. Yes, yes. Think of the optics with that check. Oh, Yes. Think of the optics with that check. Oh, yes. A big check. I have many big checks.
Starting point is 00:58:49 Let me go into the closet. She goes into the closet and there's just a bunch of big novelty checks in there along with big pair of scissors. Big bloodstained pair of scissors. Yeah. It's like the fucking clock tower fucking monster. Yeah. Deep cut reference there.
Starting point is 00:58:59 It's no jungle to jungle, but yeah. I love the idea that we're like writing down these little notes and passing them to Scary and that's how she's seeing them like below you know like yeah where she's pushing and then as she goes into things just like make sure that the checking account and the routing number are accurate and on the check that's what taylor sends out okay so she comes back with a big novelty check and she goes uh how much for how much for the ice cream per five thousand dollars five thousand dollars it is then okay For 10 gallons of ice cream. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:59:26 And she writes out, I assume they're gallon cartons, $50,000 check. And she signs it on the big novelty thing. And she hands it over to you. And she goes, I'll take the lot of it then. Okay. Oh, I wish, but this is melted here. So I'll have to take this check back to headquarters and get you our best most frozen ice cream well i think i'm gonna jump out i think i you you jump out just i goes
Starting point is 00:59:52 and she goes you can cancel checks it wasn't for charity though you thought it was guys come out with me i'm gonna roll to see if goof realm opens up taylor's just stuck in the car still he's like kind of leaned down his foot got guys like psych goof realm does not open up and she goes guards i point the gun and i shoot scary at the mayor so she won't talk you're like a couple feet away from the mayor so when you point the gun and shoot it here is essentially I hear is essentially start calling for guards. She goes, gun! And then she gets a face full of scary
Starting point is 01:00:28 as you pull the trigger. But again, you're not that far away from her so she comes out and her body like crunch and like kind of compresses between the gun and the mayor. And she just like falls to the ground and like knocks over the mayor. What does scary's doppelganger say
Starting point is 01:00:40 you think as she comes out of the gun and hits the mayor? Don't care, so sad. Don't care, so sad. And she keeps saying think as she comes out of the gun and hits the mayor. Don't care. So sad. Don't care. So sad. And she keeps saying that as she melts into the floor into a pile of potatoes. I jump on top. I shoot the next bullet. I say, say, you got scammed.
Starting point is 01:00:55 They shoot. All right. They shoot normal. So normal comes out. She gets knocked over by the first bullet. The second bullet hits her. You thought that those were us scamming you and hitting you, but they're just doppelganger bodies.
Starting point is 01:01:10 Psych. God. All right, so normal hits her. What does normal say as he comes out? Oh, it's great. Bajie whiz. Okay, and then he dissolves, and she goes, Can't something just work out?
Starting point is 01:01:24 And they pull the trigger again. I shoot Taylor. Okay, so Taylor, what do you say as your doppelganger comes out? That's it? Yeah. As I come out. But if you could slow it down, you'd see that like my eyebrows cocked in a cool way. All right.
Starting point is 01:01:39 So that hits her. Again, this is not a scam. This is just a scam. You got scammed. Admit it. And I just a scam. You guys scammed a minute. And I pull the trigger one last time and I fly out. Okay. So for the first time, she understands how the gun works because all she saw was,
Starting point is 01:01:51 well, I guess she saw scary too. Uh, so yeah, she sees you pointing your gun at her and then you also come out of the gun and you hit her. Just crying. All right.
Starting point is 01:02:01 Somehow remembers what happened last time. All right. And I'm just pulling the trigger endlessly. Okay. Click, click, click, click, click, click. Scary looks around and is like, guys, my tummy never hurt. I just wanted attention. Boop.
Starting point is 01:02:16 A portal to Goof Realm opens. We'll do the Seinfeld noise. We'll do the Seinfeld noise. myself it'll be all right pretty lies that we sleep at night i know that no one knows me better than myself and i know i'll get this right it's just a matter of time till we make it out All night We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, bake, steal, and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today
Starting point is 01:03:22 I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Dungeons and Dags is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson Anthony Burch is our DM Will Campos is Normal Oak Beth May is Scary Marlowe And myself, Freddie Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak.
Starting point is 01:03:45 Beth May is Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.
Starting point is 01:03:57 And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon. And that Patreon has the names of cool people. Only cool people. People like Grayson Vickery, Benjamin R. Hamilton, Anne-Marie, Kite Heavens, AJ Zahuranec, Britt Rosser, Micah, like the singer, Micah Richards, Jamie Smith Logan, Stephen Pulsifer, Noah, Dustin Gebel, Charlie DiRenzo, Nathan Gilbert, Columbo Moto, Jacob Emelot, Ivan DeBerg, Jacob Williams, Jojo Jukin, and Sophie. You too can support this podcast direct on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads, and you get bonus content. We're gearing up this week to record another Patreon exclusive one-shot. This one, a murder mystery that we are calling Dad, Then There Were None, a Dadditha Christy who dadded. We've done a few of these Patreon exclusive one-shots. Our first one ties into the story you're listening to right now, where we played
Starting point is 01:04:41 the ancestors of the season one dads in a pre-World war ii pre-haze code romp in the call of cthulhu system called at the mountains of dadness where the origins of the doodler are revealed we also done a star wars one shot called all that jizz that has absolutely nothing to do with uh anything that you're listening to because it's it's in the star wars system a regency era one shot we did called sons and sons ability and on top of all that as a patreon supporter you get access to the live shows that we've done and we're gonna be doing a lot more this year a little secret we're working on that and when we do you'll get access to those recordings of those live shows as well the patreon is just where we dump all of the extra bonus content that's too spicy and too good for the main feed we also do videos we have an after show we have community
Starting point is 01:05:22 events there's a vibrant discord there's fan art all over the place it's just a cool place to hang out it's one of the best cool clubs on the internet behind the paywall that's at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddavis.com our merch is at store.dungeonsanddavis.com our subreddit is dungeonsanddavis and that next episode is coming out may 9th we'll see you then the entire crew of The Challenger. What? That's so sad. We make fun of dead people all the time on this podcast. I don't know why they seem special to me, but they definitely do.
Starting point is 01:06:13 I don't know why.

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