Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 33 - An Extremely Goofy Episode

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

The Goofs Realm, at last, and much to everyone's chagrin...This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twit...ter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. like cute innocent animals um and they're crying out for help i would help them on my own but my tummy hurts so bad so please call the number on your screen and send me a big giant check for five thousand dollars right now for just five thousand dollars that's only five thousand dollars a day for one day you'll receive four big tubs of vegan ice cream that my friends are not hiding in they're not and you will help an enterprising young woman like me do stuff that helps animals or something give us a big novelty check in the next 30 seconds and you'll receive a welcome kit with a photo of my dead friends as proof that i like i killed them I definitely I for sure killed them because I'm a
Starting point is 00:01:05 fucking badass murderer um one who's been given a second chance thanks to you right now there's an animal or something who needs you to give me five thousand dollars your call says I'm here to help and if this turns out to be a scam it would would make me so upset. It would tear open a hole to goose realm. No, this is not a scam. Please call this 17 digit number right now. That number again is 169-420-69-69-420. Psych! Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies.
Starting point is 00:01:43 Not a BDSM podcast. Not even a PDSM podcast. What does that mean? It, like, piss. There's two episodes coming. I know. I'm just doing a cool callback. Stop bringing back piss.
Starting point is 00:01:51 This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. This is a story of a girl. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about a bunch of teens who wanted to save the whole world. And though they didn't come from this old world. It's pretty fucking crazy when they fight. Do, do, do. My name is Freddie Wong. It's pretty good. I thought I was pushing you off a cliff there,
Starting point is 00:02:10 but then you fashioned a parachute in midair and safely landed. Out of misremembered 90s lyrics. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Not that one. The cool one. The cool one who doesn't have to deal with Ticketmaster.
Starting point is 00:02:22 The only Ticketmaster. He's a master of the tickets to his fucking coat check because he's got to check his sword in when he goes to nice events. He checks the sword in. This week's fact for Taylor. Since we're in the goofs realm, I figure we talk about a little bit of Taylor's goofs. Taylor's most infamous goof, the one that he got the most in trouble for, was one time he was home alone and he remembered that scene from Home Alone remember where he has the cardboard cutouts?
Starting point is 00:02:50 Taylor had a bunch of cardboard cutouts of busty anime babes. So he was like, I'm gonna set this up while my mom is away. It wasn't like the house was getting cased by robbers or anything like that. He was just like, oh, this would be a cool thing to do. So he set up the lights, he set up the cardboard, he set up the ropes, he started dancing around, and then
Starting point is 00:03:05 Donna, the neighbor across the street, ratted him out, called his mom and be like, your son's having a party with a bunch of... He's entertaining women. With a bunch of babes, with a bunch of ladies. You don't want that. She's a real prude across the street. She gives a bad name to Donna's everywhere. My mom,
Starting point is 00:03:22 the best Donna, doesn't listen to this podcast, but she would never... Your Donna loves it when kids have sex. The Donna's everywhere. My mom, the best Donna, doesn't listen to this podcast. Your Donna loves it when kids have sex. Never mind. Freddie, go back to what you were saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The cops got called. Donna called the cops on a party happening after curfew because she knew the team got in trouble.
Starting point is 00:03:39 I feel like your mom was so psyched that you were having a party with girls. She was like a little bit irritated, but mostly like, hell yeah, Taylor, well done. All right. And then when she came home and found Taylor in cuffs. Yeah. Fucking those cuffs.
Starting point is 00:03:50 Firstly, I'm so disappointed. Secondly, that's rad. And then thirdly, now I'm disappointed again once I realize. Yeah. And that's why Taylor has a reputation with the local police. Because he was that kid who got a cuffs called on him for having a bunch of anime cardboard cut out. I like the idea that they showed up, saw that it wasn't really a party,
Starting point is 00:04:06 and were like, well, we're still gonna arrest you. No, no, no, no, no. It had to do with how he answered the door. Oh, okay. Naked with a katana. No, I'm kidding. He had a sword, though, when he answered the door, because you never know.
Starting point is 00:04:15 Sure. You never know. Because in Home Alone... It's like a sword and then, like, a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket situation. Yeah, and then they tackle him. Be you friend or foe. They've tackled his ass so hard.
Starting point is 00:04:25 Dang, makes you think. Makes you think. Quick fact check here. Absolutely, Story of a Girl, song referenced by Freddie moments ago, was actually released in the year 2000. Not a 90s song at all by the American rock band Nine Days. Okay. Can we
Starting point is 00:04:46 just take a quick vote here? Do we still want Beth on the podcast? Yeah, of course. Oh my god, if it's between her and you, I'm so sorry. Freddie, that's the wrong time to call that election. Are you trying to stage a coup right now, dude? Fuck you, Beth. You don't even know what year a song's from.
Starting point is 00:05:02 This is what happens if Matt just doesn't come in with his teen fact. Eventually, Freddie will just dismantle the podcast piece by piece. Piece by piece. I'll be honest. I did not even hear one word of Freddie's teen fact because I spent the whole time trying to rethink of a fact because I didn't like mine. And I still don't like it. But it's my turn now.
Starting point is 00:05:18 So here I go. My name's Matthew Arnold. I'm Matthew Arnold. Hi. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home. Yeah, soccer kid. Tell me more about Lincoln. What kind of kid is he? God damn. He's a schooled-at-home. Yeah, soccer kid. Tell me more about Lincoln. What kind of kid is he?
Starting point is 00:05:25 God damn. He's a schooled-at-home soccer kid. That's interesting. And little fact, even though Grant, well, now we know that Grant didn't actually work at a library, but Lincoln hates reading. And in order to try to get Lincoln to like reading, they would let him watch a movie based off of a book first to hopefully that he'll like the movie. All that did is that Lincoln found his favorite movie of all time because even the garfield books were too much reading and he loves the garfield
Starting point is 00:05:49 the movie is his favorite movie of all time bill murray 2004 garfield the movie they try to give him comic books like at least he can read comic books like there's not that many words than that and lincoln was like nah i'd rather play soccer like hey there's a movie based on why would i read him talking about lasagna when i could see Bill Murray act lasagna liking? So, favorite movie of all time? Garfield, huh? Yeah, Garfield 2004. Let me try that again.
Starting point is 00:06:08 I burped while I was saying that. That was wild, actually. It was such a unique sound. The Garfield. Leave it in. Yeah. Leave it in. Hey, you looking for a gospel?
Starting point is 00:06:16 You looking for a fresh burp talker sound? I'm Will Campos. I'm doing the best I can. I'm playing Normal Oak this week. He's a perky, peppy, chipper-cheery, school spirit, mascot kid. Look, simple, fun fact about Normal this week is that Normal's favorite actress is the one and only Holly Hunter.
Starting point is 00:06:31 That's right. She was in Saving Grace, Normal's favorite TV show. Also a big broadcast news fan. You know, he was really shipping her and Albert Brooks. But if she won with William Hurt, what can you do? So is he, I'm just struggling to think of a kid
Starting point is 00:06:45 who is into an older female actress. Right with you here. Does he just have a huge crush on Holly Hunter or does he appreciate her platonically as a star or both? I think he admires the craft that she brings. She's always riveting whenever she's in a role. Okay.
Starting point is 00:06:59 That is very much from a timeline equivalent of being like, I'm really, really into the show. Daniel Boone. Like now, do you know what I'm really, really into the show. Daniel Boone. What a show. Rifleman. Hi,
Starting point is 00:07:13 I'm Beth May. And I play scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness. She doesn't want to care anymore. And she's not like other warlocks. And who cares about that that fun fact about scary this week is that her favorite beverage is decaf earl gray tea it's still a black tea which is pretty metal but it's decaf because the caffeine makes her jittery damn hey before anthony talks just a little halftime huddle because let's be honest, we take so long with our team fast.
Starting point is 00:07:45 It's about halftime here. My head's in the game now. I feel like I dropped the ball on that Garfield fact. That's why I'm coming in 110%. No, Matt, you did good. You did good. 110% team.
Starting point is 00:07:52 Let's do this. It's going to be a great episode. I don't think my Holly Hunter fact was that good. It's all right, dude. We got this. It's all right. We got a full game left. It's all good.
Starting point is 00:07:59 We got a full game. We got a full game left. Let's go. Give it 110%. All right, let's give it to our main coach, Anthony Burch. Anthony Burch. The B-Man. The B-Man. Give us our speech. Hi, it's me, the B-Man.
Starting point is 00:08:08 Clear eyes. Full podcast. Can't lose. Nice. My fact is that I'm currently holding four index cards that I've written something onto and folded up and they will become relevant soon, but I wanted to foreshadow them in my dad fact because I didn't feel like talking about myself this week.
Starting point is 00:08:30 fact because I didn't feel like talking about myself this week. So when we last left you, you were trying to open a portal to the goof realm by scamming somebody so hard that it tore the fabric of reality in twain. And eventually, after trying to trick the mayor into believing a la Yojimbo that Willie is trying trying to kill her and also trying to trick willie that scary had killed all the kids and normal's mom the only way you eventually got in was by scary revealing that actually she was faking her stomach hurting the entire time it was all one big scam anthony you're under us also i'd like to throw in if i may the holly hunter stars in a version of yojimbo in the future and that's the one normal scene and in that version yojimbo is actually trying to play the two sides against each other whereas in the future and that's the one normal scene and in that version Yojimbo is actually
Starting point is 00:09:05 trying to play the two sides against each other whereas in the actual one as I just realized it stands this no there are two gangs that are fighting each other
Starting point is 00:09:11 he's not playing them against each other anyway go ahead Anthony I would actually watch a Holly Hunter Yojimbo yeah I would as well I'm not like a really cerebral just like
Starting point is 00:09:17 oh that's weird that he said that about you Yojimbo Yojimbo have you heard what they're saying about you across the street I didn't want to believe them but could you do me a favor You're Jimbo. Have you heard what they're saying about you across the street?
Starting point is 00:09:28 I didn't want to believe them. Could you do me a favor and make three coffins? That is such a fucking weird... My mistake. Four coffins. So, a portal to Goof Realm opens in front of you, and you hear... What's it sound like? You hear canned laughter emanating from it in a never-ending spiral loop only when she's playing garfield
Starting point is 00:09:49 so my living room sounds like whatever we're watching the 2004 garfield movies my two dads so you have an infuriated the mayor looking at you one of her eyes gets so red and engorged that it bursts and the goo from her eye starts running down her cheek. Cheese it! And she goes, let's get out of here. Also, Willie did all this. This was all Willie. He sent us here to do this and scam you. Yay! Willie sends his regards. And then Taylor mag dumps the
Starting point is 00:10:15 AR into the center mass. Okay. Alright, give me a roll. You said it looks like a monster! Yeah. Give me a roll. Shit, I was gonna say my finger's still in the trigger, but no, I was clearly pulling my human gun. You and your finger was busy pulling your own trigger, baby. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:33 I'm pulling my own human gun. What does that mean? Range attack. Weapon. Hit DC. That is a natural one. Holy shit. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:10:40 The gun explodes in your hands. Oh, because you know what? Gun safety. Only thing. Yeah. There's still a barrel plug in the end of the barrel, and The gun explodes in your hands. Oh, because you know what? Gun safety. Yeah, there's still a barrel plug in the end of the barrel and the gun explodes in your hands and does a D12 of damage to you and the gun is no longer usable. Damn. And the mayor goes, I did that. That was me somehow. You're welcome.
Starting point is 00:10:56 Where did we get this gun again? Normal's mom gave it to us. That's what it was. It's just been never cleaned. Yeah. I think she was a safe person and kept the plug in and you didn't notice because you were ding dong. She did say it was Lark's gun and Lark's doesn't have a safety on the gun. So I feel like if Lark is the type of guy. Illegal modifications.
Starting point is 00:11:12 I feel like, yeah, maybe he's got some sort of like silencer on it and the silencer exploded because it's not. Yes. I'm with you. I'm with you on that. He had a cool custom milled silencer out of aluminum cans. Like some custom bullets. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:24 He overpacked hot rounds. Anyway, whatever. We can go to this. Yeah, yeah. He overpacked. Hot rounds. Anyway, whatever. We can go with this. He fucked up. Ow! Ow! Your uncle sucks! Hey! Ow! My stomach. The portal closes. No! I got you guys again. I'm good. It's all good. It opens up again. Okay. I dive into the portal.
Starting point is 00:11:39 I dive in as well, dropping the gun from my mangled hands. Okay. This is why I don't use guns. Only blades for me now. Can I roll a persuasion check to see if I convince the mayor that this is all Willie's fault? Yeah, do it with disadvantage. That's a natural one. Good!
Starting point is 00:11:55 First roll. And a 19 on the second roll. Yeah, shame about disadvantage. You see her shaking her head like, no, obviously not. Of course, everything you did was just amateur hour. You ambushed her, pretended that you had ice cream, jumped out, said, psych, and then a gun exploded in your hands. And then you flew through a portal. And he said, well, he planned this all. Even if he had planned it all, what was the plan? The portal closes behind you as you tumble
Starting point is 00:12:19 downward through a green tunnel of laughter, hilarity. You hear laughter getting loud around you and you begin to realize that in modern times, in the days that you've been living today, generally you only seem to see certain things. You see violence in movies. You see sex on TV. And you wonder,
Starting point is 00:12:37 where were those good old fashioned values on which you used to rely? You land hard in the animated world of Quahog, Rhode Island, and Family Guy's theme tune begins to play around you. And you feel certainty in your gut that Goof Realm is a place where only the most objectively funny things can survive.
Starting point is 00:12:57 If you're not objectively the funniest thing in the world, then you were dissolved into the ether itself. Jesus Christ. And you can already feel your body's like Marty McFly in the third act of Back to the Future. You can feel your body's beginning to fade away the second you hit the ground. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:13:13 A small child kicks open a door and toddles out to you, and he has a head the size and shape of a football, and he goes, oh, hello, new visitors. What brings you to Goof Realm? Oh, my God. Fuck off. Link's looking around. He's like, what is this?
Starting point is 00:13:29 What is this? Beast is Goof Realm. Goof Realm? It appears that we're in. We're in a horrible, horrible place. I'm so sad I let us here. Where's Hermie? Where is he?
Starting point is 00:13:38 We got to get him and get out of here. Link, where's the anchor? Link, we're in one of the most respected American animes ever made. This reminds me of the time I was watching. Suddenly you solidify as it happens. Give me the flashback. Well, it's that time I was watching Garfield 2004 with my dads, and Bill Murray came in and he said, hey, where's the eggs?
Starting point is 00:13:58 And we didn't have any eggs. Bill Murray, how can you be in the kitchen when you're on the TV as Garfield? I took that role for the money. What's happening? Is he also a robot? I don't know. You know what I mean? Turns out Family Guy humor is harder to do than you might think.
Starting point is 00:14:12 It's very hard. Guys, we've got to be funny. Think of like the funniest thing. Wait, why do we have to be funny? Because like I just know that we do. So yeah, everybody except for you, Lincoln, is fading away. You're fading away? Be funny.
Starting point is 00:14:23 Just scary. Say something like, look at my face. Say something mean. I can't stop looking at the baby. Well, not that you're the baby. Funny things about babies. Oh, if you're looking for Hermie and Mr. Likely, I can help you with that. And in fact, I can actually even help you survive here for a price.
Starting point is 00:14:40 In desperation, seeing the football shape of his head, I just punt Stewie. Nice. Okay. No, he said he could help us. What are you doing? here for a price in desperation seeing the football shape of his head I just punt Stewie okay you should roll the pull away from me like it's like it like in peanuts oh yeah very good I know he's there to pull away Charlie nobody cares about do you listen to me like that's fine okay yeah give it a roll both of you make opposed dexterity rolls 11 plus plus 1. 12. I got a 19. Okay, so you successfully managed to pull. Which is funny! Which is funny. Stewie away and you land on your back. You blockhead! So both of you feel yourself
Starting point is 00:15:13 solidifying a little bit more. I'm getting harder! A little bit more even. What were you going to say, Beth? Do we have the internet? It's going to be so tough when women can't be funny, you know what I'm saying? Oh no! Oh no! It's going to be so hard, Beth. What are you doing? Yes, you have the internet. It's going to be so tough when women can't be funny, you know what I'm saying? Oh, no. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:15:28 It's going to be so hard, Beth. What are you doing? Yes, you have the internet on your phone still. It's going to be hard to do the podcast without me. Scary, just anything funny. You're always funny. Just like normal. Like, he's dumb looking. Yeah, one of your classic jokes.
Starting point is 00:15:40 Yeah, and like, yeah, I'm tall. Yeah, do one of your funny skits. Do one of your goofs. What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I don't know. What's the difference? Nobody cries when you chop up an onion. I mean, a baby.
Starting point is 00:15:52 Fuck. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. So you begin to fade away even more. You're like half translucent now. Scary. How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Starting point is 00:16:02 Does it involve something sad happening to the baby? Yeah. Wait, you fade out even more. Jokes aren't funny anymore. That's not what people do anymore. Say something not funny and then be like, huh, isn't that not funny? I have depression. And then everybody laughs. You just don't be funny and then say you have a mental illness.
Starting point is 00:16:17 And Lincoln fades away a little bit more. So he says, ah, it seems like you're going to need some help. I have help if you're willing to take it. Yeah, that's right. What do we do? I would never pay to be funny. I would never pay $8 for other people to think that I was funny. I'm not asking you to pay in terms of currency. I'm asking you to pay in terms of a favor.
Starting point is 00:16:37 Oh, what kind of favor? I need you to kill someone for me. Oh, okay. Wait, what happens if we're not funny? We just fade away? Yeah. Do we just go back home, though? No, you fade away
Starting point is 00:16:45 into nothingness. Well. Like, you disappear and die. Like all comedians. Yeah. No. Okay, yeah, help us. What do we do to be funny?
Starting point is 00:16:54 I just need a quick signature on this here blood pack. And he takes out a little piece of paper, cuts his hand over it, and smears his blood on it, and says, I just need everybody
Starting point is 00:17:02 to go ahead and sign this real quick, and I'll get you a little favor. Or you can refuse. Do we know what the favor is before we sign the pact? It's killing someone. You're going to kill Scam Likely. I don't know who that is. Who's that? You saw him in a memory of the past
Starting point is 00:17:15 that he's the trickster friend of your dad's and Hermes' father. I gotta kill Hermes' dad? No way, I'll just try to be funny. No, it's fine. What does the contract say? The contract says you have to kill scam likely within two hours of meeting him. In exchange for what? In exchange for these personas,
Starting point is 00:17:30 these abilities that Stewie will give you that will guarantee solidity in the goof realm. Okay. And if we don't meet him, then what happens? What's the timeline?
Starting point is 00:17:38 Oh yeah. It's a timeline of 24 hours. Oh, okay. We should sign this unless you have something really funny normal. I don't know. I don't want to die. I don't want to
Starting point is 00:17:45 kill anybody though. Alright, we'll find a loophole to weasel our way out of this later. I mean, it's okay if you don't want to sign it normally. It'd be fun for one person to not have signed it. Wait, I pull out my phone. Do I have internet? Yeah. I load up my Amazon account and I pull up the one movie I have in my library on Amazon Prime and it's the Garfield movie. I just start playing it.
Starting point is 00:18:02 I'm going to look up a random clip from the Garfield movie and if it makes me laugh, then I'll say that your phone is solid. And if it doesn't, your phone begins to fade too. I'm going to lose my phone. Can we stream it? I'll just pull to a random spot in the Garfield movie. Yeah, do it. Do it.
Starting point is 00:18:12 Yeah, yeah. One second. I'm purchasing the Garfield movie off of my Apple TV account. So give me one second. Is this tax deductible, you think? Technically, I could say this was. And this is the first one. Not a Tale of Two Kitties.
Starting point is 00:18:24 No, we're not talking about that. Every time you buy a a garfield movie it's tax deductible just count it as a loss you can fucking amortize that loss over the next seven years bro uh anthony yep it's an 80 minute movie so could you roll for me 21 and 80 100 all right sure if it's above 80 we'll just read this above 80 it's just not funny yeah this is a credit if it's above 80, we'll just read it. If it's above 80, it's just not funny. Yeah. This is a credit. If it's above 80, you have to watch the sequel. 27. 27. I'm now going to 27 minutes. As good screenwriter knows, page 27 is a great page.
Starting point is 00:18:55 Right in that transition from act one to act two. Yep. 27 minutes in here. Anthony, would you like to come over to my computer and watch this one-minute clip? Hey, Anthony, get that cynicism out of your brain, though, and just go in like you're just there to enjoy a movie. Just relax throughout the day. You're just taking a break from the day. All right, give it to me.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Looks like that'll run fair. All right, I need a ride. Madam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your moo-moo. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Starting point is 00:19:23 Yes! What happened? It took literally no time at all. Garfield ran forward and said, sorry lady, I'm hitching a ride in your moo-moo. And then he jumped up her moo-moo and she went, wah! It was fucking instant. I don't think that was four seconds. Fuck! Fuck!
Starting point is 00:19:45 Your phone starts glowing. Just hang on as long as the phone's funny. I grab onto the phone. I grab onto the phone as well. This reminds me of the time I signed a deal with the devil and it cuts to me, flashback, in front of my computer and I'm installing a video game. Oh, like a Family Guy flashback. It's going so
Starting point is 00:20:01 well. And it's an EA game and it's a ULINE go i accept all right you start you get solid too all right maybe nobody needs these things nice try baby are we all holding on the phone really quick does holding on the phone make us all or is just no just you link because your soul is connected to garfield shit i'm like my body's passing through the phone okay okay okay i just panic and i sign the form because I don't want to die. Okay. Who else is going to sign the form? I will sign the, wait a minute.
Starting point is 00:20:28 Have you ever heard of a video? That's dumb. It's called the dramatic chipmunk. We've all seen dramatic chipmunk. I'm over it. I'll sign it. Okay. So is everybody going to sign it?
Starting point is 00:20:39 You don't have to sign it. I'm going to just keep the phone on. Yeah. Yeah. You have the power of Garfield. I'm going to keep it quiet. I'm going to put it in my pocket. I guess I'll just stay who I am.
Starting point is 00:20:48 We'll just see what happens. And if worst case scenario, I don't know, I guess I'll just drag you out. And I'm naturally the funniest guy I know. Not all of us have emotional support cats, Link. I don't have a cat. Oh, I guess you think Garfield is a dog then? No, it's just a movie. You know Garfield's not-
Starting point is 00:21:01 Was that funny? When I said that- You get a little bit more solid. It's a movie. Was that funny? When I said that? You get a little bit more solid. I said that Garfield was a dog. When you said Bazinga, you faded out. Was it that? Your opacity went up by 10% each.
Starting point is 00:21:18 All right, so just the two of you then. Oh, fuck. But this is the fun thing. There's a fun thing our DM brought for us. I want to do it. Fine, I'll do it. You're probably fading away. You have to keep making funny jokes. You don't have a Garfield. You're right. Everybody knows Freddy's incapable
Starting point is 00:21:30 of that. You're absolutely right. The Family Guy joke ratio was like through the roof, right? Yeah. It's like three per page or something absurd like that. Okay, so I'm going to take my index cards that I foreshadowed and my dad's. Should I sign? Or should I stay me? I'm assuming that something's going to happen to you guys. Should I just stay who I am?
Starting point is 00:21:45 All three of us are going to have to find some way out of this blood pack to kill Hermes' dad because no way we're doing that, right? True. That's pretty funny. But how long can my phone play Garfield? 80 minutes.
Starting point is 00:21:54 What am I, Geek Squad? Is that funny? Family Guy's going to need 5.2 jokes a minute. That's insane. According to The Atlantic, number one, by the way, in what they counted,
Starting point is 00:22:03 30 Rock does 7.44 jokes a minute. Okay, but how many of those jokes are funny? All of them, Matt. How do you think Family Guy became one of those? Your phone shatters as you say that, Matt. How dare you? No, your phone's fine. Okay, so I'm going to go around with these three. It sounds like Lincoln wants to remain himself and will use the guardian power of Garfield the movie. I'm going to
Starting point is 00:22:19 use the other three index cards and I'm going to walk around and each of you are going to take one randomly and do not open them until I tell you to, please. Okay. I'm going to walk around and each of you are going to take one randomly and do not open them until I tell you to please. Okay, I'm gonna open it. That would be so funny. As you cut your hand and sign the blood onto the paper. The three of you who took the contract, you feel yourselves changing from the inside out. You're still yourself, you still have all of your memories. But you have also access to this other persona, this other being this other version of yourself that you can tap into whenever you need to be hilarious and actually you can't really turn it off until
Starting point is 00:22:48 you're out of the goof realm so go ahead and first of all i'm so worried i won't know who this person is we'll go in inverse order freddy which one did you get go ahead i'm opening my card And I take on the appearance of a groovy shagadelic cat man. It's me, Austin Powers, baby. You got my car. I'm so pissed. I'll fight you for fucking Austin Powers. Does he look different? Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:17 You see him turn before your eyes into a man. I look shagadelic, baby. You look very shagadelic. My teeth are bad. I'm wearing a pinstripe suit. Do I have the convertible? No, but you are singing that and dancing to that and you have the cravat
Starting point is 00:23:29 thing or whatever the fuck his poofy shirt is. I guess I am, but this is adulthood. I don't want to go back, baby. I've been so long since I've seen these movies. You're nailing it. Alright, so Will, what did you get? Wow, I wonder what I'm going to turn into. I hope it's something as funny as Austin Powers.
Starting point is 00:23:44 With Pickle Rick on his shoulder. Will, what did you get? Wow, I wonder what I'm going to turn into. I hope it's something as funny as Austin Powers. Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder. Wait, what? Oh my god. Who is it? Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder. Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder. Will, that's the worst one you could have gotten.
Starting point is 00:23:59 Well, you gotta do two, baby. A horrible pain comes over Normal as he starts scratching himself. Like the wolfman. He like peels his own skin off. He like rips off his own flesh. And there's like that Borat like Speedo thing underneath. And he grows and grows his horrible mustache. And then just when you think it couldn't get worse, a pickle sprouts out of his head. And he's like, hey, what happened to me, my wife?
Starting point is 00:24:20 And he's like, that's right. It's Borat Pickle Rick, I guess. That's what. It's so random come on give me an actual pickle rick come on pickle right that's pickle rick all right all right beth what did you get so scared i'm not religious but i do feel like it was the hand of God that made me come up with this Garfield fact that got me out of doing this.
Starting point is 00:24:51 My fucking go back to the faith. Scary. Like, well, you know, nothing could be worse than being myself. Right. I turn into, I turn into Napoleon Dynamite. Did Napoleon Dynamite. It fucking blows. Did Napoleon Dynamite ever say fuck? Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:25:09 No, he's Mormon. He never says fuck. Oh, yeah, he's Mormon. Okay. Wait, no, he's not Mormon. Friggin'. He says friggin'. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:13 Hey, Borat, looks like this Napoleon Dynamite didn't really watch the movie. It's not very nice. It's working already. And behave. It's working already. Abby, hey. I'm not Mormon. I just don't like to curse. Okay. That's cool.
Starting point is 00:25:33 Hey, what's your name? Who are you? I'm going to turn into somebody scary. I need to watch the trailer. Okay. Just because I haven't seen the series. Everybody, I need to calibrate my character. Give me one second while I look up all the-
Starting point is 00:25:44 I refuse to calibrate this fucking horse shit, Anthony. Just jumped on me with a shovel. It's really funny that you almost got the one you would be perfect for and instead got that one. I think we all wanted Austin Powers. I think you're shagadelic, baby. Yeah. And they changed. They look like them now.
Starting point is 00:26:02 They look like them now. So you're surrounded by adults. So Link's looking at another, because he's tall. Link's looking at another tall kid in front of him. Cool. I noticed you're pretty tall. Yeah, I'm pretty tall. Who do you think's taller?
Starting point is 00:26:12 Freaking sweet. Here, let's go back to back. Who's taller? Okay. I'm backing up. John Heater is 6'1". Yeah, 6'3". Not a big deal.
Starting point is 00:26:20 You're still pretty tall, though. Hey, baby. What? Oh, Stewie. Yeah, Stewie, baby. I thought you were... Okay. I thought you thought he was Austin Powers for a second. No, though. Hey, baby. What? Oh, Stewie. Yeah, Stewie, baby. I thought you were... Okay. I thought you thought he was Austin Powers for a second.
Starting point is 00:26:28 No, baby. Hey, baby. Okay, so look. You turned my friends into, I guess, funny people or whatever, but now we're Scam Likely. So what do we do? Scam Likely is in the dungeon of the Drunken Clam, where my father and many of the other characters around Quahog like to go for a little bit of libations. What'sahog it's a city in rhode island oh is that where we are right now that's where we are welcome to quahog okay get him up link geez hey austin powers i know why i'm not
Starting point is 00:26:54 talking it's because i got a really hard impression to do but it seems like you're over there not fucking saying shit even though you got the easiest impression out of all of us to do so what's wrong what's wrong you big baby you can't can't see your classic phrase yeah baby shagadella you're just fucking sitting over there like a little piece of shit? Eh, yeah, you're no good at doing the improv now, are you? Eh, eh. Italian Borat. Hey, normal,
Starting point is 00:27:14 normal, dude. He's not even fucking trying over there. I gotta do two impressions, right? Get a load of this asshole, Borat. Yeah, eh. Hey, baby, why are you coming up against me so hard? Stop. Don't let this comedy tear us apart normal don't be mean to taylor taylor why not everyone's mean on this podcast we all fight all the time i'm breaking the fourth wall like my favorite character normal you don't be mean taylor
Starting point is 00:27:37 be funnier it's scary it's scary look it's okay you're not taller than me but you're doing good too so let's all i know i'm doing good we gotta go to this dungeon okay look i don't like to be the leader but it seems like you three you got stuff now what kind of dungeon is it i hope it's not a sex dungeon okay it's not though right because we're like i. It's not a sex dungeon. Okay, good. Unless you want it to be. No, not, absolutely not. It'd be like one of my sexy parties. I've been training, like, hard for the sex dungeon. What are you training?
Starting point is 00:28:13 My skills. Okay, cool. We got skills. We got whatever's going on. Okay, so, like. You've got the grooviest spine all of Britain, baby. Great. So, that's good.
Starting point is 00:28:23 Okay. So, we got this. Okay. And your name's Stewie? I'm Stewie. Yes, Stewie Goodiffin. I put the sex in MI6. MI6? MI6. Are you gonna lead us there? Do you have a map? Yeah, I'm just gonna
Starting point is 00:28:37 point you down the street. It's right there down the street. He points at a tavern that has a neon sign of a clam drinking a beer, and it just says the drunken clam. And outside is a man with an absurdly sized head and a chin that looks like he could break granite. Okay. All right, team. Well, that's normal.
Starting point is 00:28:51 Are you going to stay dressed like that? Do you want like... This is the way we dress in Kazakhstan? Yes, yes, Kazakhstan. Kazakhstan. Yeah, that's right. That's how he dresses. I'm a pickle, and I turned myself into that,
Starting point is 00:29:02 and I'm the best science fiction show of the last 400 years, 5,000 years, Rick and Morty. Great. I just realized I got to voice the problematic guy. That's super fun. That's super fun. The guy who's got anxiety on the podcast, he's never worried about people getting mad at him about anything.
Starting point is 00:29:16 He's never stressed out. It'll be great. Normal. Does it suck that like half of your like thing is like racist too? Oh God. Normal. Hey, look, listen, look at me me we're on the team okay four eyes stare at you the only thing that matters is saving the world be normal i'm still in here yeah okay good
Starting point is 00:29:34 and by the way two of you guys are like squiggles you know i'm saying do not be worried say whatever you need to say to be funny there is nothing wrong the only thing that matters is saving our family do not worry about that's right baby just let it free nobody nobody's gonna hear this your parents are gonna hear this we can't get in trouble down here the only thing that matters is being funny okay you're right like i get it i feel It's like, is it survivor's guilt that I got Garfield and all of you are stuck having to be funny? That's okay. I won't judge you if you save our lives. So just be funny.
Starting point is 00:30:12 Okay. You tall, dumb American man. That's pretty good. I laughed. Okay. So let's. Okay. So let's... Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:30:29 So let's just... I guess let's just go. Let's just go to this bar. So you approach the bar. There's just a guy standing outside going, Oh, who might you be, baby? Do you sell fake IDs? Yeah,
Starting point is 00:30:48 what kind of ones do you want? Well, why does that say we're like, older than we are? Yeah, well, okay. Y'all look pretty old,
Starting point is 00:30:54 doesn't look like you need fake IDs, unless you're trying to look like babies to get into my baby party. Hehehe, alright. Hey, what's a baby party? It's where we dress up as a baby
Starting point is 00:31:03 and you change my diaper and then I come. Oh, wait, what was the last a baby party? It's where we dress up as a baby and you change my diaper and then I cum. Wait, what? What was the last thing you said? You know, you're a grown man. You know what cumming is? Oh, do I look like a grown man? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:14 Oh, you're so tall. It's just like time back in Kazakhstan where all four of us were back in our normal bodies in Gufram doing the adventure. And then time freezes and we flash back to all of us being in our normal bodies in this spot and goof around when I say, guys, I don't have much time. I'm in this flashback. It's going to be good.
Starting point is 00:31:34 We got to get in. We got to figure out what's going on. So let's just go into Cog. Maybe if we keep doing flashbacks, we can just get further and further to the end of the adventure without having to lose our minds or our bodies. It's just like that time we were in Cog in the Drunken Clam already as the end of the adventure without having to lose our minds or our bodies. It's just like that time we were in Quahog
Starting point is 00:31:45 in the Drunken Clam already as the four of us. And then we flashback in the flashback to the Drunken Clam. All right, and then the waiter, Peter, goes, eh, that's only going to work once, all right? Okay. You win this one. Oh, we made our way in.
Starting point is 00:31:58 Two flashbacks. We're in. You're two flashbacks deep, and you're inside the Quahog bar. So next thing we got to do is we got to- I can't go back there. We got to solve it in this flash- I can't go back there. We got to solve it in this flashback, guys.
Starting point is 00:32:09 Oh, I'm really nervous about the first day of school. What? I haven't gone to school yet. What? Because we're in a flashback. We're so far back. You brought us backwards, Will. You can't go backwards and then forwards.
Starting point is 00:32:22 No, no, no. Taylor's 16 years old. We went forward? No, no, no. Taylor's like 19. I, Taylor's 16 years old. We went forward? No, no, no. Taylor's like 19. I forgot how fucking old you are. So Scary's like 12, and she's like, Hi, what's up, everybody?
Starting point is 00:32:35 Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Are you guys going to be my best friends? Wow, we sure are 12-year-old Scary, but first we got to get through this adventure, okay? So just come along with us, and everything's going to be great. Sure thing. I'll do anything you say.
Starting point is 00:32:49 Hey, guys. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I know our dads don't let us hang out very much, but it's pretty cool that we came to this town in Rhode Island just to talk at this bar. And then the bartender comes and is like, hey, who let these minors in here? And then the camera pans over and there's a bunch of guys who are with pocket pickaxes and lights on their hats. Hey, what are you doing? We just want a drink. I'm not a miner.
Starting point is 00:33:07 I live for major fun. All right, and we go back out to the main non-flashback part of the game. That was so weird. And you're once again outside the bar. Normal, you can't go backwards to get us forwards. That was so weird.
Starting point is 00:33:20 I forgot. You can't blame a guy for trying. I was planning to not work. He's got Mario in a backpack. Okay, we're just going to walk in. Hey, thanks, guy. We'll do the baby party later maybe. So you approach the door to the bar and there is a metal rod horizontally in front of the door
Starting point is 00:33:36 at like head height and when you try to open the door it's locked. It stops against the other door. Freaking shoot. It's locked. This one's just for Esther. I'm just going to give you a series of quips that you can just throw at any point. Excuse me. Quiet, shoot, it's locked. This one's just for Esther. I'm just going to give you a series of quips that you can just throw at any point. Excuse me, quiet please, everyone. Oh, behave.
Starting point is 00:33:52 Shagadelic, baby. What else does he say? Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Wait, are you doing this so you don't have to think of these on the spot? Just in case I'm a little slow. Are you pre-gaming?
Starting point is 00:34:03 Yeah, wait, if you get to do that, then we get to do that. Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name. Tots. Esther, do not use any of those. Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
Starting point is 00:34:19 Tots. Okay, we're back. So, again, the door will not open because the door hits this horizontal metal rod that's at that height. Don't behave. I bet I could use that rod as a weapon. I'd like to see you try, baby.
Starting point is 00:34:31 Okay, I'm gonna do it. What, you're gonna try to pull the rod off? Yeah. Okay, go ahead and give me a strength check. Nobody's stronger than Napoleon Dynamite, famously. That's a seven. No, it is too, well, it feels not only attached to the bar, but it feels like magically immovable.
Starting point is 00:34:48 Gosh, this is like when my Uncle Rico was really attached to his new girlfriend. I have never seen this movie in a year. It's great. I want to check. Can I do like an Arcana check? Yeah. I got plus five Arcana, so I figured I'd do a little dungeon drive. Sure, sure. It sounds like it's an immovable rod, guys. It's me Pickle Rick
Starting point is 00:35:04 talking. I'm smart, and I know everything, and people who suck really like me. Sure, sure. It sounds like it's an immovable rod, guys. It's me Pickle Rick talking. I'm smart and I know everything and people who suck really like me. Yeah, so something from Dungeons and Dragons. Some people are cool. Some people are okay. Some people are probably fine
Starting point is 00:35:12 like me too, but you know, I'm just saying most of my fan base. Like, we got a reputation for a reason. Sounds like I probably need to cast some kind of spell or like burp, you know, real loud.
Starting point is 00:35:27 Hold on. I'll bullshit some science thing that I did off screen. And it's like funny because I'm sarcastic about it. And I pull a big laser gun. That's a melting, immovable Rod Ray out of my butt. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Tot.
Starting point is 00:35:41 I already had this in there that I got from a parallel universe or something. It's so fucking clever. Give me an intelligence roll. Wait, do you want to see my arcana roll? Give me your arcana roll there that I got from a parallel universe. I just dug it up. It was so fucking clever. Give me an intelligence roll. Wait, do you want to see my arcana roll? Yeah, give me your arcana roll first. I got 18. Okay, so with an 18, a single word enters your brain. Punchline.
Starting point is 00:35:55 So, Will, you try to pull a beam of destroying immovable rods out of your ass. Go ahead and give me an intelligence roll. You're going to ask Rick, the smartest man in the universe? The smartest, most dangerous man in the universe? But he's also with Borat. Borat could take control and prevent him from doing what he wanted to do. This is like an exorcism movie.
Starting point is 00:36:13 Borat can take control. So Borat prevents Pickle Rick from doing what Pickle Rick wanted to do. I have glued the movable rod into my asshole for pleasure. Shagadelic, baby. Science isn't going to solve this one. It said punchline. So I think you got like a classic joke.
Starting point is 00:36:29 Like you guys have like a joke with a punchline in it. You said you punch Link? I punch Link in the face. No. Ow. No. Wait, wait, keep going. Keep going.
Starting point is 00:36:36 What? Ow. Ow. Why am I doing? What's the point? Ow. Just keep going. Keep going.
Starting point is 00:36:42 Don't worry. It'll be funny. Don't worry. It'll be funny eventually. Ow. Oh, you punched Keep going. Don't worry. It'll be funny. Don't worry. It'll be funny eventually. Ow. Oh, you punched. You punched like a... No, you're doing it wrong.
Starting point is 00:36:50 You scrunched it. Okay, ow. Well, it didn't hurt that bad. You didn't punch me that hard. Oh, jeez. This guy's not funny at all. Okay, well, it's a punchline, not a punch. It wasn't a good punchline.
Starting point is 00:36:58 We went to like a party and did like lines. Like, um, knock, knock. Who's there? Oh, I think this just needs a cool, groovy joke to open up. Why don't you just say something about how you also have an immovable rod in your pants, Austin Powers? It's fucking so simple. I'm already doing two improvisation bits on my own
Starting point is 00:37:15 and I'm still coming up with Austin Powers jokes. Jaggedelic, baby. Quagmire's like, I would take another look at your environment. Maybe there's another way of getting in, if you know what I mean. Quagmire always knows how to get in. Hey, Quagmire, what's the dirtiest joke you know? Sort of more of a riddle.
Starting point is 00:37:31 Wait, whisper it to me so only I hear it so that then I can say it to the door. I don't want the door to think you said it. Well, that's not how the door works. I didn't know that. Well, thanks for telling me. Okay, so guys, that's not how the door works. Don't worry. I'll go a great one.
Starting point is 00:37:43 There's three feminists walking down... All right, I'm going to look around before this gets all canceled. I got a 19 on my perception check to scan the environment. So you can see that there is a slight magical tinge to the horizontal rod that is blocking the way into the tavern. And it feels like whatever you do, it's going to involve you interacting with that rod in some way. And it's a punchline.
Starting point is 00:38:04 So it's like the line across... Maybe we... Freaking hell. What are you guys trying to do right now? We just want to get into the bar, dude. You're trying to... We just want to get in the door. How are you going to get into the bar?
Starting point is 00:38:15 Just by walking through the door? Okay, you said a word there that was pretty interesting. I'm on a good show, not on this shit. So just tell me what I need to do. And yeah, I'm from glorious movie to make benefit Kazakhstan. Yeah, you said it. You caught it, Link.
Starting point is 00:38:28 Walk. Operative word. Walk. Through. Walk the line. No, I walk into the bar. And what happens? Oh, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:38:34 The door opens. A guy walks into a bar. A kid and an old British man. Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name. And. No, we already got in. Oh, okay. Yeah, the door opens into the bar.
Starting point is 00:38:48 Door's wide open, baby. Okay. Tots. Well done. And he vanishes. Oh. Inside. Do you guys see that?
Starting point is 00:38:58 I walk out of the bar. Like, I kind of step out as he comes back. No, he's gone. Okay, I step back in. Okay. I thought maybe I was going to the bar and made him disappear. Weird. I'm going to play the music to the... Okay. bar like i kind of step out as he becomes back no he's gone okay i step back in okay okay so i thought maybe i was going to the bar man disappeared you gotta play the music to the okay and all of you are already sitting at the table together peter is sitting on the bar next
Starting point is 00:39:15 to you drinking a big bottle of beer peter griffin the main character of family guy can i get a shirley temple no oh so what are you guys looking for? A dungeon. We're looking for a cat named Scam Likely, baby. Have you seen him shagging around here at any point? Will is burying his head in his hands. Oh, yeah. I saw him trying to get through that hidden door under the drum set over by the light switch. Oh, okay. Thanks.
Starting point is 00:39:39 The problem is I can't see where it is because the light went out, and you see in the area that's just completely dark. Well, how many people does it take to change that light bulb ah that seems like a good idea maybe you should find out there's a ladder over there if you want and a couple of fresh light bulbs oh friggin tall this one's a little bit more non-linear so if you can come up with a funny light bulb joke maybe it'll open okay how many links does it take to screw in a light bulb i don't know baby how many just, because I'm home alone all by myself all the time, because both my dads work, and I fix all the light bulbs. A little too sad.
Starting point is 00:40:10 A little too sad. A little too much of yourself. Jesus Christ, kid. What? You climb up the ladder, and you try to screw in the light bulb, but it, like, unscrews, because what you said was just slightly too sad. Oh. Say it again, but slightly less sad. Szechuan sauce, and I try to screw it. It goes in!
Starting point is 00:40:25 Instantly, bing, the light turns on. You got to be more random with your punchlines, kid. That's how humor works now. The trap door opens into darkness and there's a ladder heading downwards. Oh, it's a little bit dark in there. Everybody hang on tight. I pull out my phone that was playing Garfield. I just like hold it around like the doctor's sonic screwdriver.
Starting point is 00:40:44 Because it's just admitting humor. Just like scanning. That's great. Garfield looks at you through the screen and goes like, oh, yeah, there's comedy down here. All right, guys, follow me. Good joke about the session. I don't really get it. It's not really.
Starting point is 00:41:04 But like, clearly, it's funny. So see, there was a movie. Good joke about the Sesshaw. I don't really get it. It's not really, but like, clearly it's funny. See, there was a movie called Mulan in the 90s. And there was a sauce they did for a promotion for McDonald's. And I think it was referenced on the show that I'm from. Oh, okay. That does sound funny. I'm sorry. so you head down the ladder into what looks like an office with just a tired looking man sitting at a desk resting his face on his fist just sighing heavily to himself he looks like he's
Starting point is 00:41:35 got a big stack of headshots of actors and stuff next to him and he's just going through and he sees you guys coming down and i'm gonna hand Matt something oh no Anthony I escaped your game okay it's not it's not about just you bro it's just like the second Saw movie you know what I'm saying yeah I'm thinking about the second Saw movie I love the second Saw movie they're all fun I never saw the movie oh that's pretty you really keeps you on your toes oh he really does oh behave so this guy goes like welcome to sunstock a talent agency uh what's sorry welcome to what welcome to my talent agency said the sunstock a talent agency welcome well sunstock yes that's just the word i'm looking at on this kingdom death monster instruction oh sunstalk Oh, Sunstalker. Yes, Sunstalker.
Starting point is 00:42:25 It doesn't matter. Okay. Welcome to my talent agency. Are you a family? Is this a Family Guy character? No. This is an OC original. Oh, you know what?
Starting point is 00:42:32 It should be a Family Guy character. Yeah. Well, hello. Welcome to Cleveland's talent agency. Anthony, how many of the Family Guy characters can you do? I'm so pleased to have you coming into my talent agency. Now, would you please do me the favor of telling me what you call this act that you're about to perform for me now you can open
Starting point is 00:42:49 the thing matt oh my god where this is going well i don't know i guess i was gonna do the aristocrats oh i would love to see that okay so well so the aristocrats aristocrats were, you just want me to do it for you? Yes, please. Show me your act. Okay. Yes, we'd all love to see it, baby. It's for all of you.
Starting point is 00:43:14 It's not just for him. No, we do want to see this boy do this act. Oh, good. You're all doing it. Okay, so there's like. It's a group act. Oh, okay. I'll be the cat.
Starting point is 00:43:22 Yeah, I'll be the other cat. And then it's like Oliver Twist kind of, right? That's Oliver and company you're thinking of. Oh, okay. I'll be the cat. Yeah, I'll be the other cat. And then it's like Oliver Twist kind of, right? That's Oliver and company you're thinking of. Oh, shoot. Okay. Do you guys know what the Aristocrats is? It's like everybody wants to be a cat. That's Aristocrats, yes.
Starting point is 00:43:35 Can you tell us? Maybe you can help us. What do you want from this performance that we've come to? I want you to perform this act I've heard so much about, the Aristocrats. But I haven't heard specifics about it. Just people saying, you got to see this act called the Aristocrats. but I haven't heard specifics about it, just people saying you gotta see this act called the aristocrats, and I just want you to go ahead and do that for me. Okay, guys, team huddle.
Starting point is 00:43:49 There's a locked door behind me that'll open once you do that. Team huddle. Team huddle. You're all adults now, or not you, Scary, but what's the aristocrats? Let me explain the aristocrats to you. Okay. It's a notorious joke among comedians where they tell the zaniest, most offensive story they can,
Starting point is 00:44:08 and it's got a bunch of edgy humor in it, and then people get killed, and their heads get chopped off, and at the end they say, and that's called the aristocrats. And that's supposed to be funny because it's like an anticlimax. It's trying to be funny. Anticlimax? I could never do that. That's pretty good. You finally got one good for you okay so we just say stuff and then at the end you just say it's like the aristocrats allow me everybody follow my lead hell it is me borat with pickle rick on my shoulder and i give you the
Starting point is 00:44:39 aristocrats it starts when me borat shits his pants on stage. And Borat bends over and shits his pants on stage. Yeah, and then he rips off Pickle Rick off his shoulder and dips it into the shit. Yeah, and then he dips Pickle Rick into the shit. Now it's lubed up with his own shit, and he shoves Pickle Rick down his throat. Pickle Rick's voice is all muffled because it's coming from Borat's stomach. And Borat's starting to gag because, uh-oh, uh-oh. He ate a pickle covered in his own shit, and he's starting to ralph. And then Borat vomits all over the air, and the vomit hits a ceiling fan,
Starting point is 00:45:10 and the ceiling fan sprays shit-covered vomit all over the room. And help me out here, guys. So what was that called? You look up at the ceiling, and the shit has created a mural, and it's Bart Simpson skateboarding, and he says, Bush did 9-11, man.
Starting point is 00:45:24 And under Bart Simpson, there's and he says, Bush did 9-11, man. Under Bart Simpson, there's a peeing Calvin, and the Calvin's piss says, the aristocrats. Beth, what are you doing? I was making a fart noise in my mouth to add to the joke. That's good. I've done that once. I won't do that again. And then I nudged Lincoln.
Starting point is 00:45:53 I said, do not go in there. What? Where? I said, do not go in there and wave your noise lightly. Sir, sir, I've just been informed. Don't go in there. This is fucking Christ, kid. So the door began to open. And then you said, don't go in there. I dived to stop the door. And the door closed. I tried to stick my foot So the door began to open and then you said don't go in there
Starting point is 00:46:05 and the door closed. I try to stick my foot to the door. Both of you give me dexterity rolls. Austin Powers can throw throwing knives, right? I have to remember he has a throwing star scene. I think so, yeah. Sure. No, but doesn't he do a thing where he throws?
Starting point is 00:46:19 No, Austin Powers throws a shoe. He has a shoe thrown at him. And he says he throws a shoe. Yeah, but he picked up some, the bad guy throws a shoe. He has a shoe thrown at him. And he says, who throws a shoe? Yeah, but he picked up some tricks. He picked up some tricks. Either way, two of you are lunging
Starting point is 00:46:29 through the door to try to get it. And on the panel, Will throws a shoe. This is for nobody, but Will right now is like, in this season of The Bachelor, there was one woman
Starting point is 00:46:37 who her only personality trait was she talked about how much she loved tea and she hadn't had a first date yet, like a one-on-one date, and then another woman gets a one-on-one date and she finds out that the bachelor took her to a tea shop.
Starting point is 00:46:48 And Brady's like, I just wanted to get tea. This is Will right now. Like, Will is so mad that Brady has Austin Powers. It's insane. I got a four on my dexterity roll, so I'm really hoping Austin Powers throws a shoe. Okay, go ahead and give me a range attack with disadvantage, because I don't think there's evidence of Austin Powers doing that. My dexterity roll is a 16.
Starting point is 00:47:11 Okay, 12 plus four. 12 plus four, 16. You both got, even with disadvantage, you got a 16. And then I go, I throw a shoe, baby. It's me. A single tear falls out of Pickle Rick's eyes. He says, hey, you should have met me. Hey, that's my shoe.
Starting point is 00:47:29 Yeah, we both, yeah, we threw Napoleon Dynamite shoes. Hell yeah. Great. As the door slides back to its jam, you manage to throw a shoe and keep it open. Lincoln, you manage to slide in with a slide tackle and kick it and make sure that it stays open long enough for the rest of you to get through.
Starting point is 00:47:42 Just as you begin to leave, Cleveland just goes, I don't get it. And then you head into the rest of you to get through. Just as you begin to leave, Cleveland just goes, I don't get it. And then you head into the darkness. Use your cool light. Oh, yeah. Of course, I'm holding my Garfield flashlight and just. Kind of like, turn me on, baby, or something like that. The minute you say, turn me on, baby, a single light turns on in the center of this darkness.
Starting point is 00:48:04 And there's just a mic stand with a microphone in it and then beyond it you see three more lights show up within the pool of light you see two things one hermy the unworthy and two you see lois griffin going oh you're my sweet boy hermy oh your father scam likely loves you. That's who I am. And she squeezes him really, really tight. Oh, so we have to kill the one woman on Family Guy. Well, there's also Meg has been there the entire time, but you didn't notice her. Oh, I forgot about Meg. Oh, classic!
Starting point is 00:48:36 Meg was in every single scene and you just didn't know that she was there. The moment she said that she's scam likely, I put a timer on my phone for two hours. Okay, great. So I know exactly how long. You can see that Lois is holding the Teen the teen costume and she goes i'm so proud of you that was a true scam likely style scam i knew i had a good reason for abandoning you on earth my sweet boy and hermy goes yes i am uh very proud of myself i'm glad that you're proud of me i'm gonna do a perception check on hermy to see if he's happy or if he seems like he's in distress
Starting point is 00:49:03 you know like what his vibe is I'm doing a her me vibe check I got a 12 although I feel like normal should have advantage on her me vibe checks I agree I feel like being a teenage boy wait a teenage boy a teenage boy being into somebody means you should have a disadvantage on understanding
Starting point is 00:49:19 well I got a 12 both times so you can tell that he has got what he wanted he looks like he got what he wanted but. He looks like he got what he wanted. Okay. But does he look like he got what he needed? Hey, Hermie. Oh, so you followed me here, did you? Yeah, what do you think we would do?
Starting point is 00:49:32 You took Normals. That's Normal, by the way. I don't know if it's a pickle. We don't look real embarrassing like this. Oh, sorry. Normal's not here. He's off. He's just, you know, he's burning down Chaparral High School because you suck.
Starting point is 00:49:44 I can see through your disguises. I know who you are. No, you can't. Just so you know, though, like, before he turned into that, like, he was looking really good. Like, I don't know why I said that. I'm just trying to help you out. Thanks. You don't like Hermie, though, right?
Starting point is 00:49:55 Huh? No, I don't like Hermie. Hermie, you suck, dude. I always thought you kind of sucked, but, like, why did you screw over normal- Hermie! That was always the plan. You were my sidekick, baby, and then you betrayed me. Yeah, well, it's time for a sidekick to become the main character.
Starting point is 00:50:08 I was tired of being a Robin. It's time to be a Batman. Well, you did a bit of Robin on your own now. Ooh, that's not bad. That's not bad. Well, I tell you this. I know you want to fight. I know that you want to get rowdy.
Starting point is 00:50:18 I've seen how you work before. But I think down here, we do things a little differently. Here, and he steps up to the microphone, and he kicks it over to you, and it slides across the ground. He goes, here you're going to stand and deliver. Another light turns on. Hermie points at the person in that seat, and he goes, what we're going to do here is we're going to do a little tight five, and whichever one of us is funnier is going to win the fight,
Starting point is 00:50:38 and it's going to be determined by this person. And he points at the chair, and inside the chair is a person I'm going to find on Craigslist who has never heard of Dungeons & Daddies. We are going to invite them into this person. And he points at the chair and inside the chair is a person I'm going to find on Craigslist who has never heard of Dungeons and Daddies. We are going to invite them into this room. Are you fucking kidding me? For tight fives from all of us.
Starting point is 00:50:52 As Austin Powers? Or as... As your characters. Or if you want to be Austin Powers, you can. But some stranger we're going to hire off of Craigslist,
Starting point is 00:50:59 I'll try to vet him, will be the one who judges or her or them. They're going to judge how funny we are. And that's going to be next episode. Oh my God. What did we do to you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I know that no one knows us better than ourselves.
Starting point is 00:51:28 Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no not today
Starting point is 00:51:57 We live for tomorrow, baked steel and borrowed, break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way.
Starting point is 00:52:28 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.
Starting point is 00:52:40 Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by Patreon. Thank you. Jr., Jackson Wallace, Rebecca Armbruster, Alex Lemire, Wei, Kito Alero, Drew Moyer, Lauren Haller, Tyler Curran, David Walker, Secondhand Kiwi, Victor Uriarte. Support this podcast directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads
Starting point is 00:53:13 and get some bonus content. We're kind of in a whodunit mood lately and we just recorded a three-part murder mystery miniseries with special guests called And Dad There Were None, a dadditha christi whodadit, which will be coming out when we're done editing it so very soon here probably next month or so if i had to guess uh we've done this a few times for our patreon supporters in the past these little standalone miniseries some of these tie into the main story some of them don't some of them
Starting point is 00:53:35 definitely don't we did a call of cthulhu horror theme miniseries that's a prequel to the daddy storyline called at the mountains of dadness which features maybe the single greatest dice roll we've ever done i won't say anything else but uh it was a big moment we did a star wars themed miniseries called all that jizz that has nothing to do with daddies or star wars for that matter and we've also done a regency era miniseries called sons and sons ability that might be related unclear all of these standalone series are great listens if you're caught up and you're looking for more content and they're free on our patreon for supporters at all levels you can also get these as digital download on our merch store at store.dungeonsanddags.com that's way easier and cheaper to just support us on patreon plus you'll be getting all kinds of extra stuff too you get
Starting point is 00:54:12 access to the official discord tons of bonus content a whole after show the works fill your ear holes skip the ads that's another thing you can get ad free episodes too and you won't have to feel bad about it because you're supporting us directly on Patreon. How do you do this? I hear you asking. That's easy. Just go to Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads.
Starting point is 00:54:31 Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our merch is at store.DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our subreddit is DungeonsandDaddies. And the next episode is coming out May 23rd. We'll see you then. on my way

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