Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 34 - Finding Tori

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

The teens must perform stand-up sets for a complete stranger.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, and Suicidal Ideation.Special thanks to Tori Shaw!Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. We come to this place for magic. We come to goof around, to laugh, to prank, to scam. Because we need that. All of us. That shagadelic feeling we get when the Family Guy theme begins to play. And we turn into someone we've never been before.

Not just transformed, but somehow reborn. As Borat Pickle Rick, and Austin Powers, and Napoleon Dynamite. Dazzling images of Garfield on a small cell phone screen, aristocrats' jokes that I can smell. Somehow, getting forced to do stand-up comedy for a complete stranger from Craigslist feels good in a place like this. Our tight fives feel like the best parts of us

and punchlines feel perfect and powerful. Because here, they are. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent into an alternate realm coming back to our world and rescuing everything from Eldritch horror that haunts us. You'll notice that I have given our saga cell very specifically and concisely this week. No riffraff, no bullshit, because we have a guest with us. We'll get to that in a second. We have company. We have company. We have company, Freddie. We are on our best behavior. We're recording on the good China. my name is company we have company we have company we are on our best my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift the anime loving ranger teen who is currently inhabiting the role of austin powers in the goose universe so sort of many layers upon layers masks

upon masks this week's taylor fact we've been tasked by by Anthony as you all know for today's episode many of us in various states of nervous energy the energy in the room is awful right now it's so bad it's completely a nightmare it's upsetting the vibes may not be immaculate but Taylor has nothing to worry about because

Taylor has gone to an anime convention and often times you may know this anime conventions will have you know in between panels sometimes the rooms will do like a little like stand-up showcase or an open mic kind of thing and Taylor has done it many times and has plenty of material that slays that kills as the comedians say so he has not one drop nary a drop of sweat on his brow today Taylor's prepped and ready. I'm not sure about the rest of us, though. Hey, everybody.

My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid who kept his identity last episode, so it's just old Lincoln. So you're just going to get raw Link for his stand-up bit. Little known fact about— Lincoln Wilson, raw. Raw. Yeah, that's his first album. Okay, so a little known fact about Lincoln,

just keeping it nice and simple so we can get to the goofs. Look, Lincoln's realistic. He knows deep down he's probably not going to be a Premier League soccer player. So he has thought about what he would do. Is he stand up? If he couldn't, no. If he couldn't become a Premier League soccer player. What would that be?

Premier League soccer coach. That's his backup plan. That's it. That's his backup plan. Can I ask's his backup plan how many coaches are players are former players a lot of them you usually have to be a pretty good soccer player to get into a coaching gig okay yeah uh hi everyone i'm will cambos i play normal oak perky perky peppy chipper cheery school spirit mascot kid who was turned into borat with pickle rick on his shoulder in the last episode.

And so that's who I am at this moment. And in solidarity with the writers of the Writers Guild of America, I am refusing to cross the dad fact picket line this week. That's right, union strong. I'm not going to scab like you two. No dad fact for Will this week. Wow. It might be over by the time this episode is over.

All because of you, Will. Good job. Just because I was me, you held in there. So brave. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks, not even like

regular Scary, because Scary got turned into Napoleon Dynamite. And I should note, for those of you listening along at home, Beth has come fully dressed as Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, so we can take pictures of Beth doing her set with a costume and everything. Yes. You know, I see overnight shipping and I press yes, please. Beth has the wig, the glasses, the vote for Pedro shirt.

The whole works. Yeah. In fact, when Matt let her into the building, Matt mistook her for just a regular person dressed as Napoleon Dynamite. You run into those occasionally. You run into those people. And when I came into this room, I went, oh my God, it's my ex. Oh no, okay, it's Napoleon Dynamite.

Oh, it's Beth. What a ride. I can't believe Anthony dated Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, I should have never let her go. Fun fact about Scary this week is that she's never watched her consumed comedy. If there was a blanket medium for misery that wasn't just heavy metal or poetry, like if there was a specific stand-up, you know, kind of form called misery, she would be about that. But, you know,

comedy is not where she's at. I guess poetry is kind of stand-up Misery, if you think about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just sad stand-up. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad, and I want to explain context. I want to explain context both for you, the listener, if you missed last episode. You should probably go back and listen to the last episode.

This is going to make no sense. I hope this is someone's first episode of the show, I gotta say. If it's your first, get ready for it to be your last. This is their first, they're gone. They heard Freddie say, I'm an anime teen who's Austin Powers now. Yeah. And he just turned off the podcast. But before I get into what we are doing this week, let me introduce our special guest, Tori. Tori, why don't you say hi and say, you know, where people can find you if you want people to find your social media and stuff, if that's what you want. Hi, Tori. Hi, Tori.

Hi. I'm Tori Shaw, and I am really excited to play this game with you guys today. Hell yeah. And I'm ready to have some fun. To explain briefly and summarize what we're doing here today, the four teens in our little fantasy adventure went to a different world called the Goofs Realm. And the Goofs Realm is based entirely upon jokes and goofs and scams and stuff like that.

So in order to survive the unearth-like atmosphere of Goofs Realm, they had to transform into things that were objectively funny in order to survive. And so in this case, Freddie Taylor turned into Austin Powers, Will Normal turned into Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulders, and Beth Scarry turned into Napoleon Dynamite. You make it sound like we had a choice.

Yeah. Well, you picked the cards randomly. We picked these cards at random, and these horrible rules were foisted on us. And I watched Napoleon Dynamite yesterday for the first time in 15 years. And objectively, objectively funny. Yeah.

The part where he goes, gosh, like, come on. How about me? Oh, yeah. And you decided that you would, instead of turning into something objectively funny, you would defend yourself with something objectively funny. So Link, Matt's character,

has just been carrying around Garfield the movie on a loop on his phone, starring Bill Murray. So what happened at the end of last episode was that you met with Hermie the Unworthy, the character you came here to find, and he challenged you to a stand-up competition. So as I said last week, the way that we were going to do a stand-up competition is to have somebody else judge it objectively. And the only way I could do that, because all of our friends already know us and know what we find funny and they would be too biased. I went onto Craigslist, made an offer for somebody to come out and check out.

Can you, can you read the Craigslist post actually? Because I think that for those of you who are not following us on social, this was a objectively funny Craigslist post. Oh, and also before we get into this, Tori, quick question.

You're familiar with Dungeons and Dragons, right? Yes. Okay. That's all we're doing with Dungeons and Dragons, right? Yes. That's what we're doing. It's not going to matter that much. It doesn't matter. All right. So the Craigslist post was critique our stand-up comedy for money, DTLA.

This job entails sitting in a chair for an hour and ranking on a 10-point scale five different comedians doing comedy sets of around five minutes in length. Your reactions will be recorded via audio for a podcast. Applicant must be fluent in English and ideally not know anything at all about Freddie Wong or the podcast Dungeons and Daddies. Do not Google it. So Tori, can I ask you, what was your Craigslist browsing session? You know, like what was happening when you found that? Well, I'm a starving actor and I needed to do something other than Uber. And I needed to get myself out to LA and around creative people. So I saw the money. I saw the description.

I said, I can do that. And you've never heard of Freddie Wong. And you haven't heard of Freddie Wong. I have not. Good for you. And you haven't Googled anything. Well, we hadn't heard of Tori's favorite stand-up either. Yeah.

You know, I cheated. I Googled, but I didn't read much. I was just making sure. I'll tell you this, Tori. It specifically said, don't Google. So I got some bad news for you. I had to make sure it was a safe post. That's fair.

That's valid. Everybody listening, if you're on Craigslist, you got to do that at least. In fact, if somebody says don't Google me before meeting me, 100% should Google. Tori, you taught her a good lesson today. And you don't need our apartment number. We'll just bring you up to the apartment.

They never gave Tori the apartment. I was like, just meet me outside. I'm a short brown man wearing a suit jacket. Don't Google me. Meet me outside. I have to say this. I did prepare my entire thing. I was like, this is going gonna be a man that takes this

job because surely no woman would not google it would be crazy enough to google it and hell yeah okay so women power I'm excited you're here I did prepare for if you were going to be a man in my defense I did ask some questions like, so how's parking there? Do I need to show up early? And can I see an Instagram? And he responded to every question that I asked, or I wouldn't have come out. That's good.

Very wise. Very wise indeed. And you guys are awesome. Oh, thank you. I feel very safe. So far. Wait till you hear us. I feel very safe.

That's about to change the story. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to roll a D5. I'm going to roll a D6 and then ignore the 6 to see who gets to go first in our stand-up session. And so we'll go from around. Can we table set in character for a second? God, if you want to. You guys are just such nervous Nellies

that all you want to do is table set. All I want to know is, normal, who is trying to detect the anchor, do I sense the anchor in this room? Yes. Where is it? It's in Scam Likely's back pocket. Sc is trying to detect the anchor, do I sense the anchor in this room? Yes. Where is it? It's in Scam Likely's back pocket. Scam Likely has the anchor?

Yes. Okay. But it's not like it is Scam Likely. We attack Scam Likely. It's longer than you. Will it help if I put my sunglasses on? Because it's a little... You do whatever you want.

Will it help you? Because it's a little bright in here. And will it make you feel better? You might look too cool. Oh, shit. Too cool. No, you can put them on. You can put them on if it's too bright in here. Now I'm you feel better? You might look too cool. Oh, shit. Too cool. No, you can put them on. You can put them on

if it's too bright in here. Now I'm like an agent. Now I'm like intimidated. And Tori, while the stand's going on, you can feel free to comment, talk, heckle, laugh, not laugh.

Whatever you want to do is all up for grabs for you. Take a smoke break. Honestly, yeah. If one of us was so bad, you just left. What a move that would be. Put it on my Instagram.

Yeah. Okay. Is that all the table setting you wanted? That was just what I wanted to note. Cool, cool, yes. The anchor you were searching for is nearby. So the room you're in is a featureless black void with a single spotlight in the center.

Just like the comedy store, am I right? The spotlight illuminates a stand-up mic with behind it a two-dimensional brick wall behind it. If you look at it from the side, it's just not there,, if you look at it from the side, it's just not there. But if you look at it from the front, it is there. Is there a stool? Yes, there is a stool. There's a bottle of water.

There's some stuff you can do. There's a little stand. You can do whatever you need to do. It is a two-drink minimum, unfortunately. Yep. Okay, so I'm going to roll a die. And I'm going to go one, two, three, four, five. And we got a one.

So, Lincoln, it is your turn first. Go ahead. I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick and we got a one so lincoln it is your turn first go ahead i'm going to go to the bathroom real quick but you should keep going does he get just lincoln get an intro from like who's emceeing this show this game likely goes i guess i'm the emcee then okay uh so what we're gonna do is we're gonna have a great time tori canonically you're tori in this game and uh first up it's the man with no plan. It's Lincoln Lee Wilson. Give Lincoln a round of applause, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Normal,

do you know what we're doing, Normal? What? So what's the deal with tight fives? What are you... Five minutes of comedy, baby. Wait, what? You've got to do five minutes of comedy. You've got to make laugh.

Sorry, I've never... Hi, what's your name? Tori. Tori, you're not with Hermie or anything, right? Hermie? No. No. I'm sorry.

I'm not really funny. All my friends here, they're going to be the funny ones. They turned into funny people. I'm not, though. But luckily for you, I do have the funniest movie. Me and my dad watch this movie every day. So I just thought I'd show you some of the funniest parts of Garfield the movie. I love movies.

Okay. Oh, wait. I got to plug. Hermione, do I plug it in? Okay. I think I got to plug. Matt is sitting in front of our guest here with a laptop. Okay.

It's pretty good music at the beginning. Let me cut to the funny. Let me get to the funny parts. I mean, honestly, the whole movie is pretty funny. Oh, so right here, I just want to say I have two dads, and I'm adopted. And the beginning of this movie always makes me emotional because they have Garfield here, who they got. Like, it's not their real kid, right, because it's a cat. And anyways, I love it.

It really makes me feel like my dad's. So I don't know how much you know about Garfield. Here, okay, he's a sleepy cat. Here we go. That's him. I hate Mondays. So he says I hate Mondays a lot because he hates Mondays.

We often watch the movie on Sundays, and my dads, they go, oh, I feel that. Sorry, how much time do I have? Oh, there's so much funny stuff in this movie. One second. I used to love Garfield, actually. Right? Yeah. The books were too hard for me to read, so my dad got me this movie, so I would.

It was a cartoon, right? It was a cartoon? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to have to check that out. read, so my dad's got me this movie, so I would... It was a cartoon, right? It was a... It was a cartoon? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to have to check that out. Okay, so here's... Oh, God. Garfield's such a mischievous little cat.

Here's what he does. So that's supposed to be his friend, and he wants milk. Jump in your little spacecraft. The nation thanks you. But check this out. Prepare to blast off. He's not being nice here. Three, two, one.

Form my eyes. Look at me go. Don't look down. Come to papa, baby. I can see everything. He got the milk. Wait. Got milk?

This is really good. How much time do I have left? I got a lot of moments here. But I don't want to explain the whole movie. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to ruin it. Honestly, I feel like I just ruined the movie. That's not very funny. I won't spoil the whole thing.

But it means a lot to me because I'm an only kid. And then Garfield, he adopts a dog. And he gets jealous of him. So I'll just skip to the end here. He saves his dog friend. Hit the floor. And then at the end, here we go. Oh, that wasn't very nice.

No, this is really funny. He shoved the dog. Sorry, I spoiled that joke. Here we go. See, they're together now. One big happy family. Oh. Yeah, right.

Hit the floor. Psych. He doesn't want him. He pushed the dog again right. Hit the floor. Psych. He doesn't want him. He pushed the dog. Oh, I was just kidding though. Psych. He got him again.

Well, okay. It's a nice movie. No, it's not. That's Garfield. Oh man. Every time,

every time they usually get ice cream after that movie. And then, um, that's what me and my dads do every night well not every night every Sunday night so I hope that was funny for you I really recommend oh there's also there's a sequel which is pretty good too it's about like another cat

he's really rich in like Britain like a bunch of rich cats that sounds very interesting what? the aristocats isn't there already a movie? it's a joke about the aristocrats that's uh okay is that five minutes that's good okay thank you so much um anyways this is gonna be really good that was just i just hope you like that movie um my friends my friends are now gonna do their tight fives thank Thank you so much. Yeah. I love movies, though.

Fuck! Anthony's come out of the bathroom wearing Joker makeup. Okay, who's up next? Let me get a die. Number one. So that means it is Austin Powers' turn. Go ahead. You can do it, Taylor.

Let's go ahead and give Austin Powers' biggest round of applause, everybody. Yeah, all right, Austin Powers. You're pretty good. I wish I was it, Taylor. Come on, Taylor. Yeah, right, Austin Powers. You're pretty good. I wish I was you, though. Yeah, baby. All right. What a groovy crowd we've got here today. Tori, so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Well, I've just got a little bit of comedy, a little bit of material for my act, which I'll tell you now. You know Hayao Miyazaki, have you heard? Hayao Miyazaki did a harem anime. Not a lot of people know this. Do you know hayo miyazaki you've heard hayo miyazaki did a harem anime not a lot of people know do you know what an answer you've got a little bit of a befuddled look on your face let me back up for a second do you know what anime is yes oh great we're already off to a great start well do you know what a harem anime is no very quickly for those of you who don't know a harem anime is an anime with a main character

surrounded by a bunch of love interests i know what that's like as austin powers well not a lot of people know now see not a lot of people know this but anyway hi i'm yosaki beloved children's animation writer he did a harem anime not a lot of people know about this one. Little uncredited side project. You know what it was called? It was called Pixar's Planes! And the main character was a talking fuck, a D7.

LBH! It's a new Gundam movie coming out too! They're gonna do a prequel for this one. They're gonna show, for the first time in cinema anime history, they're gonna show the RX-01! That's right, all the way back at the beginning. We're not talking about the 78. We're not talking about the RX-01. That's right. All the way back at the beginning. We're not talking about the 78. We're not talking about the 78 Mark II.

The RX-01 turns out it's just a gun. One guy, probably Chinese, invents the gun, shoots it. Another guy goes, damn. And he says, gun, damn. Wait a minute. I think we've got something here. Animation used to be pretty crazy.

You ever see the Lion King? Tori, have you seen The Lion King? I have. One of my favorite Disney movies. One of the most popular Disney movies ever made. Me, I have a lot of mixed feelings about The Lion King. Mixed emotions. I think that movie sends a lot of mixed signals. Like when I saw it, I cried my eyes out when Mufasa

died. I'm sure you did too. I'm not afraid to admit it. Trampled by a stampede of wildebeests. Terrifying. Now, I don't have a dad because my mom raised me ever since I was a wee little lad all by herself.

And during that whole scene, I was just thinking about my mom and what would happen if she died and what a scary world that would be if she was dead and she wasn't there for me to comfort me, to tuck me in, tell me everything was all right.

It scared me, honestly. Honestly, it did. I think everyone has the same experience with The Lion King. It's because The Lion King is the first movie that makes you really consider what it looks like if one of your parents dies. It's also the first movie you see that makes you consider what it looks like when a female lion wants to fuck a male lion. Oh, shit.

Like I said, a lot of conflicting emotions for me. I think that's all the time I got. Is that right? Good job, Taylor. Sex sells. Sex sells. All right, very good. Thank you so much.

You've been a wonderful audience. Good job, Taylor. Not the earliest reaction. Thank you so much, everybody. Oh, man. I knew my friends would kill it. Good job, Taylor. You did the best, man.

Oh, thank you. That's so good. There's so much coming from you. Of course, I love that material's old hat, as they say. I realize I completely misunderstood the assignment. Next up is the pony and dynamite. Yeah, all right. Who knows the dynamite?

It's scary. You got this. You got this, Gary. I'm going to plug something in, too. Gosh. You got this. Oh, no. I knew this. Oh, no. I knew it.

I knew it. Hi. I'm Napoleon Dynamite. Freaking obviously. Gosh. Saw Taylor's stand-up just now. That's pretty much the worst stand-up ever. Gosh.

So five minutes, huh? Scientifically, not a lot you can do in five minutes. Kind of set me up for failure. Gosh. Guess if I had to spend five minutes with someone, I'd spend two minutes breaking their neck with my ninja skills. My neck-breaking ninja skills. I'm in three minutes enjoying the scenery.

Hold for laughter. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that. How's everyone doing tonight? We're doing great. Good, good. Yeah, just as crowd work here, so freaking go to work, crowd. Looks more like crowd leisure. Like the opposite of work.

What else? What else? I'm in the Happy Hands Club. Gosh. That's actually not what it sounds like. It's not a jerk-off club or anything like that. That's actually not what it sounds like. It's not a jerk-off club or anything like that. Although there is this one guy, Kevin Klaas, who's a major jerk,

and I want him off the club. So there's that. What else? What else? You got this, Gary. The vet said we had to put down our llama, Tina. So I said, Tina, you're not as good as other llamas. Most people think it's pretty funny that I can't get a girlfriend even though I have like nunchuck skills. Because I thought that girls only like guys with skills.

It's like, gosh, isn't that just enough to make you a friggin' sexist? My uncle Rico's a sexist. Here's my impression of him. Why does a woman wear white at her wedding? Why? The dishwasher should always match the stove and fridge. Oh, shit. I hate it when guys say that a woman belongs in the kitchen.

How on earth is she going to clean the rest of the house from there? See, that's still me being Uncle Rico. Um, sexes are bad. I'm done doing impressions of him. Wanna hear my impression of Goofy? Yeah. Gorsh. My brother and I built a time machine. Doesn't work, but if it did, you know where I'd go?

Where? Back in time, so I could do some more sexist jokes. Oh, shit. More crowd work. Friggin' Tori, I like your shirt. Thank you. My friend Pedro ran for class president against a girl, Summer. I beat her on the dance floor, which is better than beating her for not doing the dishes.

Oh, gotcha. That was Uncle Rico again. Gosh. And then I run off stage. Oh, God. Wow. Yeah. That was quite funny, wasn't it?

I don't know. That was quite funny. It's pretty mean. I'm pretty intimidated about following that act. I'm not going to lie, guys. All right, next up, the person who said they're intimidated has to follow that act. Oh, God. It's Borat with Pickle Rick on his shoulder, everybody.

Get him ready to go. You got this, normal. How we doing, everybody? You got this, normal. So, Satori, are you familiar with Rick and Morty? A little. Good. Well, I'm the guy from Rick and Morty, but I'm a pickle.

I turned into a pickle. It's from the funniest episode of the show. And I'm a Borat. You're the Borat from Glorious Benefit Make Kazakhstan, yes? Yes. Well, Pickle Rick is here on my shoulder. You're just theater of the mind to see both of us at the same time. Very nice. Hey, it's me, Pickle Rick is here on my shoulder. You use theater of the mind to see both of us at the same time. Very nice.

Hey, it's me, Pickle Rick. Wubba lubba dub dub. And my name is Borat. And you know, even though I'm a talking pickle, and I am journalist from glorious nation of Kazakhstan, deep inside we both of us have one thing in common, this tratched soul of a confused and terrified teenage boy. That's right, Pickle Rick, and it is not easy being a teenager these days when your dad isn't proud of you, when the boy you like betrays you,

and your friends are constantly fighting, and your family is responsible for unleashing a chaos god that destroys the world. Yeah, you said it, Borat. And your sister is the chosen one, and your mom is a centrist, and your uncle is a gun nut, and you have so much back knee

that your back looks like one of those zoomed out pictures from the Hubble Space Telescope. Okay, Jesus Christ, to get it, we're a sad, miserable little boy. But at least we got one thing to be thankful for.

We don't go to Chaparral High School, am I right? Ooh, yeah. Screw Chaparral, man. Hey, Borat, how many Chaparral students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I do not know, Pickle Man. I don't know either because I took math at Chaparral. Wubble up, Chaparral. Hey, careful, Pickle Man. There could be Chaparral students here tonight. Yeah. Relax, you've got to be over 21 to get in here. That rules out most of the Chaparral senior class.

Wubble up, adaptive. to get in here. That rules out most of the Chaparral senior class. Rub-a-dub-dub-dub! You know, education system very different where I come from. In Home Village, school principal is three-legged goat. Gym teacher is herd of feral cats. Oh, crazy! But our students very

grateful. They say, we are so lucky to be here. Most of us are transfer students from Chaparral! Very nice. Very nice. Hey, speaking of very nice, I gotta say the students at Chaparral are some of the nicest kids in all of San Dimas. Nuts! No, no, really, Borat. I did a show at the Chaparral High School at their cafeteria, and let me tell you,

that was the happiest crowd I've ever seen. Of course, they were happy burping pickle, man, you are the least disgusting vegetable their lunchroom has ever served. Great success. They're already dead. No, no, seriously, Chaparral ain't all that bad.

One of their brightest bulbs is here on stage tonight. I give it up for Aspiring Thespian, Hermione Unworthy. Oh, hi, seriously. Chaparral ain't all that bad. One of their brightest bulbs is here on stage tonight. I gotta give it up for Aspiring Thespian, Hermie the Unworthy. Oh, hi. Thank you. And what is Hermie unworthy of? An acting career, for starters.

He stinks. Tell me, where did this kid learn how to perform? Stella Adler or Smella Badler? P.U. That's a good one. I'm sensitive about that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, Pickle Man?

Oh, relax, Bobo. I'm just roasting Hermie the Unworthy, or should I say the Uninteresting, since we're always forgetting he's here. Or the Unrememberable, since he's so boring his dad abandoned him. Am I right? Hey, that is a really mean Rick.

I think Hermie is sensitive about that and proud of his acting. Oh, lighten up. It's all good fun. I mean, you know, we're just busting your chops,

Hermie. It's all goofs. It's all, it's all a good time, right? We didn't hurt your feelings, did we? He is crying,

you stupid pickle man. Oh, geez, no. Oh, oh boy. Look, I just,

it's a fun thing. It's a roast. You roast people that you like and I like you, Hermie. Okay, so it's just a fun thing. Look, I'll roast everybody else. Okay, we're's a fun thing. It's a roast. You roast people that you like. And I like you, Hermie. Okay? So it's just a fun thing. Look, I'll roast everybody else. Okay?

We're on the same team. It's all fun. Taylor. Hey, Taylor, how you doing? Taylor, you know, who's got... I'm pretty groovy, baby. You've got less brain cells than your dad has limbs. Because they all got cut off.

Oh, normal. Isn't that funny? It's fun. It's fun, guys. It's funny. You know, Link. Link wants to deal with you in scary, man. What? Just funny? It's fun. It's fun, guys. It's funny. You know, Link. Link wants to deal with you and Scary, man. What?

Just stop pretending you don't like her. Just fuck already. Get over with. I do like her. I mean, I like you, too. I like all of us. No, you're okay, man. Okay, well, you know, it's a good...

It's a joke, Kirby. We're joking. We're just having fun. This is what people do when they like each other. Scary. Boy, you got so many issues. You're like a comic book store. You got so many issues up there.

Gosh. I bet your medicine cabinet at home looks like one of those big jelly bean jars you see at the fair. How many pills does she pop every day? Yeah, that works for both of them. Well, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. That was my time. I really like you.

And Taylor, you know, you and your dad are going to hit it off. You're going to be great. I'm sorry, man. It's scary. You like her in your own way, in your own time. I'm sorry. I don't really mean what I said. I just thought, that's my time.

I got to go. Goodbye, everybody. Good job, Norma. Round of applause for Norma. Taylor, do you think job, Normal. A round of applause for Normal. Taylor, do you think it's Normal? Is Normal okay? I think you work on tightening his act up a little bit. He's a little flabby in the middle. That's not what I'm worried about.

So finally up is my son, who I did abandon. Good one. Herbie the Unworthy. Alright, here I go. Boo! Boo! I'm sorry, Hermie.

I'm going to throw my shoe at Hermie. Thank you. Thank you, Tori. Tori's got my back. So what did Two-Face say when I asked him out for drinks? What? Maybe. What did Scarecrow say when i asked him out for drinks what what happened when i asked playface out for drinks what i said yes but gotham it's so corrupt all our representatives are republicans democrats aren't much better but

republicans call themselves the party of lincoln which is technically true but only in the way that nazis Republicans call themselves the party of Lincoln, which is technically true, but only in the way that Nazis could call themselves the party of the man who killed Hitler. My partner Harley is non-binary, which makes it very hard to dirty talk them. Yeah, do it. Yeah, you're a bad person, aren't you?

Yeah, you're a filthy little criminal. There's nothing sexy about being woke. That's what all the anti-woke people forget. And I consider myself a woke person, but sometimes it's pretty hard. Like, I think God put the flash on the earth as a test. Someone would be like, did you hear what he did? He punched somebody who asked for a photo,

then he kidnapped a girl and her baby, and he let the baby put a bullet in its mouth. And I have to be like, they punched somebody who asked for a photo, then kidnapped a girl and her baby, and let the baby put a bullet in its mouth. But I love comedy. I'm a big fan of comedy.

Hey, you want to see an impression? Yeah. This is my impression of the world's biggest Wes Anderson fan watching the world's funniest Wes Anderson movie. I volunteer. If you couldn't hear that over audio, I went. I volunteer with the Arkham Project, which is a non-profit that provides a place to talk for suicidal kids from ages 0 to 24. No matter who you are, from ages 0 to 24,

Arkham Project will help. And the reason that I do that is because I believe that every life is worth saving and that there's always hope. Until you turn 25. Once you turn 25, you know the score. You finish your tripleted life and you've driven the Batmobile around the block. You can decide if you want to buy the thing or not. Oh, I'm supposed to keep living for what? To turn 30

and get weird back pain that never goes away? And then at 40, you realize life didn't turn out the way you want it to. So you just cheat on your husband until like you turn 50 and then you don't like Mexicans anymore for some reason. A while ago, I Googled how many sleeping pills does it take to kill yourself? And you know what Google gave me? You know what it gave me? Links to suicide prevention hotlines and a little message saying help is available. That's not helpful, that's judgy. Nothing else on Google works that way, incidentally. You don't Google cookie recipe and it goes,

you know, a diet high in sugar can lead to type two diabetes. Yeah, I know, that's not why I Google. I want a snickerdoodle and to die. I think suicide takes courage or at least doing it with sleeping pills does because you gotta buy them from a store. But you don't wanna go to the checkout line with only sleeping pills.

So it's like when you bought condoms as a kid you got to get some decoy items don't mind me i'm just a normal citizen who needs two boxes of captain crunch one orange and 17 boxes of zequil yes i would like a bag so i have depression and anxiety thankfully because those two as we all know are the sexy mental illnesses look we can all pretend that mental health is equally important but we all know nobody likes schizophrenics. But if you say, I wake up every day and my life feels empty

and it's a constant struggle to survive society, we're like, or if I'm like, oh, I'm constantly panicking because I feel like I'm not good enough, we're like,

oh, no, you're good enough, baby. Or the best one is, I have an addiction. Oh, he's really fun at parties, but sometimes he gets sad. He drinks himself into an early grave

and he's got stubble. He's so hot. Speaking of depressed people, the Batman. They say I want to kill Batman. That's not true. I'm like a dog chasing cars. If I finally caught one, I would have sex with it on its parents' graves. Thanks so much.

Thanks so much. I'm the Joker. I poison your drinks. What? I didn't really. I was part of the joke. That was good. Guys, I think't really. I was part of that was a joke. Oh, that's good. Guys, I think Hermie.

Is Hermie okay? Or is that the Joker? Is Hermie just Anthony? All right. So Tori, if you wouldn't mind ranking everybody from one to ten,

not ranking them, but giving them a score from one to ten. And whenever you're ready, just let us know what your scores are. And any thoughts you have. Any thoughts at all. Any feedback.

Ways we can improve. We're here to get better. We're here to learn. I'm still processing the Joker. Hold on. I think I have this well in hand. Hey, Hermie, are you? What's going on over there, man? It's all part of it. It's all a joke. It's all a big joke. That's the thing is I'm an agent of chaos. I say what we're all thinking.

Oh. I say we're all thinking about how I'd be better off dead. Okay, so gosh, for one thing, like you think that, I mean, this is really hard to act in character as scary, but also to pull inside of my, but gosh, I want to die more. No, I do. No, me. Gosh. Your standup was about not liking women.

My standup was about not liking myself. I win. Freaking, I do. No, me. Your stand-up was about not liking women. My stand-up was about not liking myself. I win. Freaking. I win. Okay, I think I'm ready. Okay, Tori, whenever you're ready, please take it away. Who went first? Lincoln? That was me. Hi, Tori. Hi. How are you? Good, how are you? Did you enjoy the whole show? Yeah. Okay, that's great.

This is great. You're all my friends. I hope you had a good time. This is really fun. Okay. Okay, so. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can grade me. I'm used to bad grades. It's okay. I gave you had a good time. This is really fun. Okay. Okay. So. Oh yeah. Yeah. You can grade me. I'm used to bad grades. It's okay. I gave you a five out of 10. Oh, okay.

Sorry. I've been watching a lot of comedy this week. You have nothing to apologize for. Five is very high. That's very good. Okay. A little bit higher than I would have thought. I thought it was good because you were very vulnerable and engaged with me.

Oh, okay. And that's something that I've noticed in all comedians that really grabs my attention is when they're vulnerable and engaged with the audience. That's really nice. So you did a really good job. Oh, thank you. Doing that. Do you think, are you going to watch the Garfield movie?

Probably not. Oh, okay. I feel like I ruined it for you. But your delivery was vulnerable and engaging oh thank you so that was good that was enjoyable well guys you only go up from there that's good you can go down there in fact you can equally go up or down baby okay so i went next it's me austin okay okay baby yeah all right do i make you laugh Okay, so. I went next. It's me, Austin Powers. Austin, okay. Yeah, baby, yeah. All right. Do I make you laugh?

Do I? You can't try to get your score up again. Can I just tell you my thoughts and not the score? You gotta. Shit. Nothing fazes me, baby. You can give me the whole shebang. I give you a three. That's all right.

You might have picked the right person. I'm very honest. This is great. Wait, wait, hold on. You're putting me lower than the Garfield movie. He was engaging and vulnerable. It's okay, Taylor. Taylor, let her just take the feedback, man.

You shut the hell up, man. I think if you're playing a character, like the acting needs to be a little more real. I'm going to take it back. It's the best thing you've ever done. I knew what I was doing. Go on. I really liked the joke at the end.

I think the inappropriate sex jokes are really funny. Oh, keep that in mind. Luckily, that happens to be my whole persona, baby. Especially when you're talking about the Lion King. Oh, keep that in mind. Luckily, that happens to be my whole persona, baby. Especially when you're talking about the Lion King. Oh, yeah. That was funny to throw that in at the end. That was good.

Well, thank you for your feedback, I think. Sorry. Next was Scary Marlo. It's Napoleon Dynamite. Gosh. Okay, Napoleon. Next was Napoleon Dynamite,

and I gave Napoleon a five, and I thought that the sexist jokes were really funny. I thought that they were great. Can you imagine scoring with Garnet as a man? I mean, yeah, it would have been really hard. God! And complimenting my shirt was really good, too. I was like, that was good to throw in there.

And then is it your dad or Joker? Our next is Will. It was so memorable, bone-wrapped and pickle-wrapped. So memorable you forgot to give me a grade. Okay. I gave you a four, and you really grabbed my attention with your energy. Thank you. That is a very nice thing to say.

No, no, but I mean that in an extreme way. No, no, no, no, no. In an extremely good way. Ah, got it. Got it. Yeah. This review is a whole roller coaster for me. It's great.

If you keep that energy during your routines, I think it'll be great. Okay, we'll keep that in mind. Thank you very much for joining us. Before we get to Hermit the Unworthy, I'm going to take a quick average of all those scores. So your average score is 4.25 out of 10. Now let's see how my sunlight landed. Hey, Hermit,

wait. It was out of 5, right? It was out of 10. It was out of 10. Oh. You thought you got a 5 out of 5? She? It was out of ten. It was out of ten. Oh. You thought you got a five out of five? She said I was vulnerable. That's the most important thing, though. Oh, boy.

Okay, so what did you think of my boy, Hurt Me the Unworthy, the Joker? Okay, let's see. I gave the Joker a four. Fuck yes. Because. Well, well, well. Because... How's it feel, Anthony?

Just because it was very fast. That's the only reason. The delivery was so fast that it was hard to catch all the jokes and stuff. No, that's fine. I'll kill myself. But that's an easy tweak, right? Killing myself? Oh, yeah.

Hey, remember, you did better than normal, though. Shut the fuck up. Should I just crawl out the door now? So, yeah, actually, that's basically all we need you for. Are we going to take a pause? Okay, well, that was great. Thank you so much, Tori, for being an objective audience member. Is there anything you'd like to say to the folks at home before you head out?

Thank you so much. This was a great opportunity. Beautiful. Oh, thank you. Yay, good opportunity. You did a great job. Thank you. And then the lights shut off and Tori just disappeared.

Into the ether. All right, all of you go back to your normal forms. Oh, hey. The joke's complete. Thank God Jesus. Garfield is deleted from your phone. Thank the, hey. The joke's complete. Thank God Jesus. Garfield is deleted from your phone. Thank the Christian Lord.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And Scam Likely goes, well, that was a great little bit of stand-up we had. Oh, you really fucked the pooch on that one side. You really messed that one up.

Okay, boys, what do you want? I can give you anything you need. Mr. Likely? Yeah? Hi, I'm Normal Oak, sir. It's nice to meet you. So to get those hilarious performances you saw, we had to sign this thing called a blood pact.

And the rules of the blood pact were that we have to kill you. But I don't want to kill you. I don't think we want to kill you. You seem really good at scams. Do you know any way for us we could scam our way out of having to kill you? And then maybe also if we could have the anchor that you have, please. That would be great. Yeah, if you just get us out of here, we don't have to. I mean, we probably couldn't. Maybe that could be the scam. You get us out of having to kill you and then maybe also if we could have the anchor that you have please that would be great yeah if you just get us out of here we don't have to i mean we probably could

maybe that could be the scheme you get us out of here you give us the anchor and then we rip the other guy off and that's a scheme oh yeah we should scam the other guy hermy's like why don't you just actually kill him hermy dude it seemed like you were happy like you like your dad now right what's going hey guys sidebar his eyes get dark like batman's at the beginning of the fucking uh animated series where it's like his whole face is dark except for his eyes and they like squint and he goes now kill this man sidebar real quick yeah uh mr likely comedians you know we all just got to kind of go into the green room after yeah green room talk some shit yeah so let's just go over here guys and then i open a door that i assume leads to a green room yes there's a door in the void that leads to a room that is entirely green

because he doesn't know what a green room is. Um, okay, let's get into this. No M&Ms! Look, Herbie, I just, like, so first of all, I'm still mad at you, and you're still my arch rival and enemy now because I found out that you're a dirty chaperone student. That said, we still care about you, and I just wanted to check in. It seemed to me like the vibes were good with your

dad, but now you're saying they're bad? What's the deal? You don't like me, you idiot. What? What do you mean? What you like is someone who withholds validation. What you need is somebody who tells you that you're a good, good boy and no one in your life believes that you're a good, good boy

so you've looked at me as this one person who seemed to show any amount of affection towards you, platonic or otherwise, and you said, ah, that's the guy I'm going for. You don't want me. You want to self-validate, and I can't do that for you. I look. Okay. All right.

That's fair. Okay. Okay. Okay. That seems pretty valid to me. You're kind of melting my brain a little bit. My dad doesn't love me. My dad loves Goops and J-Free.

I was a means to an end. That's what. And I'm going to be the means to his end. No. Okay. Hermie. Hermie. Yes, you are right.

That's how I felt about you. But then I saw how much school spirit you have and that you did all this stuff to, do you all know how long I've been looking for someone who cares about their school as much as I care about my school? I've never met, everyone thinks, oh, my mascot's so dumb.

Who cares? Shut up, normal. That's exactly what I think. Yeah, I know, scary. It's like there's two scaries in here. Which one do I shoot? It's just, I feel like you and I are a lot alike. We've got a lot in common.

You play all these different parts. I got my part that I play, and I just want to get to know you better. And yeah, we're young, and we'll probably be like five years before we get married. But like, you know. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's a long time to wait. Oh, my God. Look, I'm just whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a long time to wait. Oh, my God. Look, I'm just saying I have real feelings for you, I think. So, you know, I don't know where I was going with that, but there it is. And even though. Even though he betrayed you? Even especially though he betrayed me because it showed that he believes in something bigger than himself, which is more than I can say for some of the people in this room.

Oh, hey, buddy. Wait, wait, what do you mean? Yeah, what is that? We're all in this together. I don't know. I kind of maybe I threw that out there people in this room. Oh, hey, buddy. Wait, wait, what do you mean? What, yeah, what is that? We're all in this together, man. I don't know, I kind of, maybe I threw that out there a little too quickly. I didn't do what I did for the sake of the school, you buffoon.

I don't have any school spirit. If I'm like scary, I make the do-do-do-do-do-do noise when people talk about school spirit. I did all this because my dad, my dad wanted a scam, and so a scam he shall get. Well, I mean, I did it before I even knew that he was my dad or that that's how you got to him,

but I just always had this desire in me to scam, to pull off some big coup, and I did it, and it was easy he was my dad or that that's how you got to him. But I just always had this this desire in me to scam, to pull off some big coup. And I did it. And it was easy. It was frankly, and he strokes your chin. He goes, you were an easy mark, my friend. And I thought it would bring me happiness. And I thought getting in his good graces would bring me everything I wanted, like succession. But then he didn't give it to me like succession.

And now I feel nothing except for the desire to kill him, to get vengeance upon the man who stole my childhood away and stole my innocence. And so now you can be the instrument of that. So I'll go on a date with you if you help me kill my dad. Okay. Wait, normal, he's scamming you again. What do you mean ruin your childhood? You have other parents.

My parents aren't like my biological dad, but you have parents. We met your parents. Didn't you have a childhood? Yeah, I had adopted parents. They never understood me. They wanted me to study well and not cheat at things they're practically virgins i think they might be virgins i think maybe that's why they adopted me okay well that's okay not everybody feels like my virgin parents yeah okay look you can't understand this why not because you're dumb all right buddy but a man needs to understand where he came from

know where he's going. And where I came from is alternately hell and the goof dimension. And I would rather destroy those things than acknowledge that that's where I came from and that's where I'm going. Hermie, you're more than where you came from, though. You're a work in progress, just like any of us. Like, I just, if you do something like that, like, patricide's like a heavy lift, dude. Like, that shit's going to stay with you forever.

But then you'll be free. Thank you. Hermie gets it. Hermie, you said that you pulled this scam and you stole a school mascot uniform, breaking normal's heart here. What did you feel at the end of it? Satisfaction?

At the end of breaking normal's heart, I felt pretty tight. Pretty tight. I mean, in that moment, because I was like, my dad's gonna love this. But then your dad didn't. Correct. All I'm saying is this. And by the was like, my dad's going to love this. But then your dad didn't. Correct. All I'm saying is this,

and by the way, I put a small percentage chance on this, but what if you kill your dad and it doesn't bring you all the joy and feeling that you're looking for? That's a good point.

Then I thought, I'll kill my other dad, Jody, in hell. That's fair. You can't solve all your problems by killing your dad, Hermie. That sounds arguable.

Have any of you ever killed your dad before? I, like, it seems like there's been art written about this for thousands of years yeah i had a summer where like every dream i had was about that and whoa whoa what look this isn't about me it's not my decision you guys need that anchor my dad has it what are you gonna do to get it scam says you guys won no here you go fuck it congratulations on winning and he pulls out a scroll from his back pocket and he unfurls and it says that's what she said on it and you can feel in your heart that this is the anchor it is the color blue for joy comedy this is true comedy

this is the objectively funniest thing possible and he tosses it at you and he says there you go all right let's destroy it you know let's all just think about something we love as i destroy this i'm gonna be thinking about the joy I get from seeing you. And I think about Hermie and I rip the thing in half. How honest do you think normal is being with himself? Shit. Does he really genuinely like Hermie or is it just that he's chasing validation? Look, if chasing validation can't bring you joy, then I'm in the wrong.

That's what she said. Maybe it's a roll then. Give me a roll. I got a 14. Okay, so the 14, that'll work. You rip into the anchor. It slices apart with a very satisfying little rip noise. That's what she said.

And I can't imagine. Dear God, no. And you can feel that somewhere the doodler has gotten one more anchor removed from its body and that this one is one that's making it think of positive emotions in relation to humanity. Now, there are two anchors that have been broken with love versus the one that was broken with hate

at the very beginning of the book. Normal, are you sure you're thinking about how much you love Hermione rather than how much you hate yourself? Oh.

I mean... Ow! Ow! I was just saying. No, I'm pretty sure I was thinking about how much joy I feel for the boy I like.

Okay. I mean, that is proof positive. I mean, I guess I don't care, so. Okay, well. Scam says, well, if you want to, I can send you right back to the world you came from or whatever you need. Yeah, we don't have to. No, wait.

That would be bad. We do have, like, blood pack things that we gotta figure out. Oh, yeah. Mr. Likely. Mr. Scam. Yes? We have to kill you. You can try my little snickerdoodle.

I mean, we didn't say we have to try. We're just telling you the situation right now. We got a blood pact. Look, yeah, to get in here we had to set a blood pact with this little football headed guy. I'm wondering if there's some way we can scam that guy out of doing that. If we just leave. Can we just go? Do we have to stick around? You know like when you get a parking

ticket at like a school, you don't have to pay it. Let me see. If we leave leave. Can we just go? Do we have to stick around? You know, like when you get a parking ticket at like a school, you don't have to pay it. Let me see. So it's not like this. Like if we leave Goof Realm. So he snatches the blood pact out of your hand and he reads it and his lips move while he reads. He's one of those guys. And he says, oh, well, it looks like if you don't kill me within two hours, then Stewie

will get supernatural powers and be able to stalk you across the realms and try to kill you in revenge. So that's something that will happen if you don't kill me. But that sounds kind of fun to me. I don't know. He's a baby, right? We've fought babies before. We can just punt that problem somewhere.

Wait. He doesn't have a football-shaped head. What? We've already done this before. Yeah. Roll perception. I got a very high score. I got a 17. score. I got a 17.

22. I got 12. 17, 22, you realize that the baby that you fought in the past looks uncannily like a battle damaged, slightly older Stewie Griffin that you just didn't recognize as Stewie Griffin at the time. Whatever powers he is going to get are going to have the ability to move through time and space. Oh, no.

So we already fought him. And we already won. So that means we definitely didn't do it then. We didn't kill Scam. Well, yeah. Then I guess we don't kill Scam. Here's what I was saying. We've already done this, like, what's wrong?

Like, if a trick is good once, trick again is what I say. So, like, you got to. Well put. So, like, Scam, like, obviously we can't kill you, but could you, like, lay on the floor and pretend to be dead and scary? Can you take a picture and we can send it? We can send it to the baby. We can send it to the baby. Okay.

We did it. Yeah, I mean, like, babies. And just don't show yourself. Okay, so I take out my phone. Scam, can you act ahead? Yep, here we go. Daniel Day-Lewis would be in envy of how well he portrays a corpse as he hits the ground, fingers gnarled, eyes dead and looking into the distance, mouth open.

Yeah, Scary takes a selfie with Scam and then if you guys are in it, you're in it. Dale also does that pose with that guy. Grant Gustin. What? That's Grant Gustin from The Flash doing this. He's signed in front of the grave. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's from The Flash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lincoln is going to do like there's blood on my hands, like sort of pose like behind the Sc doing this. He's signed in front of the grave. Oh, that's, oh, wow. Yeah, it's from the flash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lincoln is going to do, like, there's blood on my hands, like, sort of pose, like, behind the scam likely. And then, Hermie, I could give you, like, a hug like I'm consoling you on your dead dad in the background.

Well, I think everybody knows that I hate my dad, so I'll probably be tossing my head back and laughing like the Joker would. Then maybe you shouldn't be in the photo. Hermie can be in the photo if he wants to. All right, I'm laughing.

Ha-ha! And he arches his back and throws his head back. It's pretty funny. Scary takes the photo and types... Wow, you got Stewie Griffin's number?

It's on the bloodbath. He gave you his number. Okay, and then sends a text with just did another thing. I know you don't know what I did the first time, but I did another thing.

He sends you a voice memo back going, oh, I don't buy it. I think you've just made a new enemy today. Well, we can chalk that off the list. accomplished scary what'd he say um bite me say you'll be next that way it's like because next implies that like the first thing we did was killing so about to do a third thing that's what she said number block oh man okay, man. Okay, well,

thanks, Mr. Likely. That was a good attempt. Yeah, how do we get out of here? I can cut a quick portal through the dimensions if you want to get out of here. Where do you want to go? The International Space Station.

I was going to say Earth, but... International Space Station is over Earth. Oh, that's right, because your dad's there. Yeah, my dad's gone. Okay, well, that's great because your dad

can also teleport people around, if I remember correctly. So if he's on the International international stage, we get up there. It's like a stop. It's like when Google Maps tells you. Yeah, we're going to have to stop to see your dad and make sure he's okay. And then we're going to go to Earth and get this last anchor, guys. We're so close to being done.

I feel like there's important information that I got from Willie that I'm forgetting to tell you, but I just don't care enough. Don't believe whatever that guy says. That guy sucked, right? Remember? Yeah, I don't believe whatever he says. Yeah, okay. Great.

Yeah. So if he told me something like about our dads or whatever, like I don't believe that. I don't buy that. Did he? I don't remember because I couldn't really care less. So scam likely pokes reality with a pinky finger with an elongated nail on it used for snorting cocaine and cuts a hole into reality and you can see into the inside of the International Space Station, and on the other side, you see your dad, Nick.

Oh, great! What's my dad look like? He's got no arms and no legs, and he's biting the handholds on the space station to move himself around, and then he goes, Oh, oh, hey, man, what's up? Dad! Yeah, that's me.

I turn to Scary. I'm still gonna kill you. But for now, you're off the hook. Dad, I'm here to rescue you. All right. Can you're off the hook. Dad, I'm here to rescue you. All right. Can you open portals? No, of course I can't. I would have opened a portal out of here.

Can you come in here? Well, yeah, come over here. Scam says, well, that sounds boring. What, you're just gonna take him out of here and then go back to Earth? That sounds really dull. Drama! And he pulls out a gun.

Right before he says drama, he was tying himself to the stake in the ground. And then he goes, drama! Pulls out a gun that says drama on it, himself to the stake in the ground and then he goes drama pulls out a gun that says drama on it shoots the window blows it outward

and the vacuum from the international space station's window exploding outward also sucks all of you through the portal as well everyone hold your breath hey that really sucks lady

wait wait wait what are you doing you all get sucked through the portal and through the window into the bleakness of outer space. So you're all now in the vacuum of space.

Is Hermie with us? Hermie's with you. You have two turns before all of you die of asphyxiation. And our blood's boiling. And your blood boils. And then we feel our saliva boil in our mouths. We got a kiss, right? That's how you exchange oxygen.

Fucking steal my move, Matt. Everybody's like, this is how you do it? That would work. Okay, listen, everyone fucking pay attention. We're in the most dangerous situation we've ever been in.

We're in the vacuum of space. Quick perception check as a bonus action to understand what kind of debris, what are my moves right here? Other debris. I'm looking for oxygen tanks or any sort of pressurized containers that got blown out at the same time as the bullet i got 19 perception check

okay what did you get how to survive in space 13 okay so freddy you can see that there is basically an ocean of space detritus orbiting the planet it's almost like earth has a ring around it of just pure satellite garbage space trash andite garbage space trash would be a great name for a band. She thought to herself because she couldn't speak. And Link, you see a dead astronaut, his body limply floating around with an oxygen pack attached to his suit. Question, where is the doodler? The doodler was like 100 feet above the Earth.

Yes, the doodler, it moves non-Euclideanly. When you look around you, all you can see is the Earth and then surrounding you and surrounding the Earth is still the doodler was like 100 feet above the Earth. Yes, the doodler, it moves non-Euclidean-ly. So when you look up, when you look around you, all you can see is the Earth and then surrounding you and surrounding the Earth is still the doodler. Like if you kept moving upward, it would continually seem to be 100 feet above you. Oh, so it's like the staircase in Mario. It's exactly like the staircase in Mario.

So we are like space height. You were at space height, yes. Damn, so we're in space. But you can see beneath you, the Earth is very, very very big and you can feel yourself getting a little bit warm so if you were to hypothetically live long enough uh the gravitational pull would pull you into the atmosphere and you probably get burned up okay this is a predicament oh i have a thing finally finally i cast banishment yes okay you and how i'm doing everybody uh i'm so excited that i finally get to cast banishment yes okay who and how are you doing everybody uh i'm so excited that i finally get to cast banishment i can only banish one person to another pocket dimension for one minute

but if we're all holding hands no that's not gonna work if we all if we all get married anthony under the law of god you become one person yeah if you can really quickly find out that one of you is ordained and then have them do the rites silently in space and sign a marriage license. I look at Nick, the only chance I could make the sign of the cross and then shrug. And Nick nods. He is indeed a universal life church minister.

Now all you need to do is get five marriage licenses, technically be in Utah. Okay, okay. Wait, are we floating over Utah right now? You are floating over. You're in international waters. You can do whatever you want. You can be polygamous in space.

There is an actual airspace distance. We're like, so Utah owns everything up until, I don't know what the distance is. Oh, you're saying there's an upper ceiling limit. Yeah, there's an upper ceiling limit of property. Well, then who owns it after that? It's space. It's nobody's.

There's international law about it. That's how we can all toss satellites up there. Yeah. It's not like if you own a house, you own your house up to infinity. But hear me out. What if I did? What if I did, though? Every time the moon's up in my house, I'm like, mine!

Wait, wait, wait. We're waiting. So the spell says, if the target is native to a different plane of existence than the one you're on, the target is banished with a faint popping noise, returning to its home plane. And then basically I can banish them for one minute. However,

comma one minute in earth time here is how many minutes wherever I banished the other person. Oh, sure. If you banish Nick, the hope is that he can get his limbs back. Yeah. How far, what is the time dilation between here and hell which i would say is nick's main domain he would have weeks he

would have weeks okay so if i banish nick back to hell nick can go get someone to rescue us from outside of outer space like he can show up with like a hell spaceship or something it's definitely worth doing to see if anything shows up banish nick i look at nick and i explain all of that but my mouth isn't moving but i can't say any of your saliva's boiling uh and then i cast banishment on nick okay and i hold my breath for one minute we still have all the turn in case like i'm just assuming or should we just leave that you're all gonna have to kiss me to give you your why don't you try your turn anyway? Because whatever happens, it's not going to happen right away.

OK, since I saw the astronaut, I guess I'm going to try to float over and grab the oxygen tank or see what's up with that body. I'm just in the D and Dad's item searching portal space. I'm casting spells. You're in his dad item sheet. We are not. OK, so, yeah, you can find that the body inside is all desiccated and old, that if you opened up... Who is that?

Clint Eastwood from Space Cowboys. It'd be Tommy Lee Jones. He was the one on the moon. Wow! Yeah. Wow! You can, if you want to, open the helmet and remove Tommy Lee Jones' skeleton and get inside.

Yes, I want to grab the oxygen tank and see if there's, like, can it give us, like, if I pass it around, can we each get, like, an extra turn? It's the lev, right, or whatever it's called. It's the little... It's a there's like gonna give us like if i pass it around can we each get like a return it's the lev right or whatever it's called it's the little it's a little like yeah the recliner of space oh yeah the little boost pack yeah i essentially want to rig myself up i sit on this sit on tommy lee jones's skeleton's lap yeah like santa claus and pilot the fucking piloting towards everybody okay i want to grab my lap give me give me dexterity roll. 17.

Okay. I can pilot. So yeah, much like Randy Quaid, you can fly. You're a pilot. Okay. But it's not really nothing. The oxygen is not really going to help because it's like probably once I open up the suit, it just like. It just.

Yeah. But you can move though. But you can move. So I'm moving towards you all. I'm trying to gather everybody so we're together. Taylor's like. And like flailing for you. Okay.

I have no debris around me, right? There's a lot of debris around you. You might say like I got to you on my turn for you. Okay. I have no debris around me, right? There's a lot of debris around you. You might say like, I got to you on my turn. Sure, yeah. You're holding onto his space recliner. And then I'm going to, let me think, let me think, let me think, oh, what would Taylor have on him? Does Taylor have an inhaler?

You've never mentioned it before. Yeah, well, people can have asthma, Anthony. Inhalers don't have oxygen. They have albuterol. Exactly, but albuterol being expelled with the help of an aerosol propellant any amount of force has an equal and opposite reaction beth it's a little thing that isaac newton found and that's what you're trying to move around we got a jet pack i know i'm trying to help you with it i did not expect this episode to go to outer space

that was not on my list of things that when I was preparing my type five, I was like, we're going to be in space this episode. To me and Freddie are kind of like Wally and Eve just kind of zooming around right now. I guess we're heading towards the third turn next. Yeah, in the back half. Yeah, you're the worst part of Wally. No, that's the best part in the back half. I'll say this. I think that

Peter Gabriel song kind of slaps. It does slap. I'm flying towards scary because it's scary's turn all right scary start two boys in a jet pack flying towards you okay i'm sorry i'm looking beth is looking frantically through all the items also search for air oxygen you do a dice roller and then you get a random item i should yeah and then just see what yeah just leave it to the gods in space just. Just like I did with Tori. Five. How many numbers are there? Just like thousands.

All right, do you want to do like a random number between one and a thousand or something? Yeah, a random number between one and 3,000. 745. So this is just an item

that's floating in this international space station. Yeah, you just see it just floating through the space in front of you. Item 745. Holy shit! What?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. This is not as cool as it sounds but i got so excited okay okay this is an item submitted by aaron lysol that's l-i-s-l-e and it's the telebangle a magical bracelet that appears differently to each person it appears as a bracelet that goes well with your current outfit however when the bangle worn, it will teleport the wearer somewhere within a 60-foot radius of the wearer. If the bangle is removed, the cooldown is reset. What cooldown? I don't know.

The cooldown of, like, using it again. So we get 60 feet closer to Earth. Yeah, but, like, if there's something, if there's, like, okay, if I roll perception and there's, like, a spaceship 60 feet away. 60 feet away. Okay, roll perception. there's like a spaceship 60 feet away. 60 feet away. Okay. Roll perception. It's an eight.

So the eight, you can see a spaceship 10,000 miles away. You can see a spaceship, but there's a big gash in the center of it. And it is 62 feet away. Okay. I have my move. All of a sudden,

like my fucking pupils dilate as like all kinds of shit starts to make sense. I have my move. All of a sudden, like, my fucking pupils dilate as, like, all kinds of shit starts to make sense. I look at Scarion. I point at the spaceship. I'm like, how far away is it? Let me roll for perception. No, but you know, though. It's 62 feet away.

He just told you. There's an American space shuttle that you see that is 62 feet away and it has a huge gash in the side of it. Clint Eastwood is dead in that one. And Clint Eastwood's dead in that one. Bruce Willis is dead. Bruce Willis is dead. Oh, that. Bruce Willis is dead.

Oh, God. I ask, how far away is it? By my estimate, 62 feet. You finger six and two? That's what she said. And then I nod, and now, Anthony, you stupid little fucking boy.

Anybody else hard? Just me? I want to... Anybody else hard? Just me? Yeah. I want to estimate how much relative speed the space shuttle is moving relative to a geosynchronous satellite that is within view. Okay. This is going to be important

because I'm going to cast etherealness, a seventh level spell, which allows me to step into the border. You have seven spells? I got one. I bought it as a bonus of a thing. He bribed me.

I step into the- He buys a bonus of a thing. No, no, it's like- My mom's rich. I get seventh level spells. My dad works at a seventh level company. You step into a border region of the Ethereal plane in the area where it overlaps with our current plane.

I remain in the border ethereal for the duration until I use the action dismiss spell. During this time, move in any direction, move up or down. Every foot of movement costs an extra foot. I can see and hear the plane I originated from, but everything there looks gray, and I can't see anything more than 60 feet away. I'll hear this. In this plane... Is this fucking french fries

all over again? What's happening? In this plane, blah, blah, blah, I'm in it. However, when the spell ends am i choosing i immediately return to the plane i originated from in the spot i currently occupy so think about this and i get it we're in space i disappear complicated i disappear in my ethereal plane perception i wait until because there's a spot stuck in the center of the universe it's not orbiting earth it's stopped which means in the center of the universe. It's not orbiting Earth. It's stopped, which means in a split second,

everything's moving around you. The spaceship, I'm going to be in it, and I'm just dismiss the smell when I'm back inside the spaceship. Okay, that's fun. So yeah, you do that. Okay. Yeah!

Now you're inside the mangled spaceship. Now you're fused with the wall of the spaceship. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ah, hold on, hold on. Also, we now have a bracelet to tell people. If I occupy the same spot as a solid object or creature, I'm immediately shunted to the nearest unoccupied space and it takes some damage.

And I take damage. So you and Bruce Willis' corpse are inside of this mangled open space shell. But only at Taylor. Only at Taylor. Is there a ton of oxygen in there? You can see that there are other unoccupied spacesuits in there, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so that's my spell and then my sort of like movement stuff. I want to try and just, you know, get into a spacesuit. Okay, cool. You get inside one. Is that simple? What? Like he's spending his whole movement, right? Okay. That then my sort of like movement stuff. I want to try and just, you know, get into a space suit. Okay, cool. You get inside one. Is that simple? What? Like he's spending his whole movement, right?

That was an action and a movement. And there's nobody inside of it. So it's not even hard for him to get in. And the space suit has oxygen. The space suit's notoriously easy to put on. And has oxygen in it. Oh, well, he hasn't turned it on yet. Who knows if it actually works?

Okay. He's just in a space suit now. Okay. I'm going to try this one thing that might not work at all, even like comedically, but okay. So. Dot Dungeons and Daddies. Yes.

Dot com. Yes. I'm going to cast contact other plane. Okay. You mentally contact a demigod, the spirit of a long dead sage or some other mysterious entity from another plane. Contacting this intelligence constrain or even break your mind when you cast the spell make a dc 15 intelligence saving throw on a failure you take 66 psychic

damage and are insane that's problematic until you finish a long rest while insane you can't take actions or can't understand what other people say on a successful save you can ask the entity up to five questions. So, well, I'm just going to ask for a favor, maybe. Oh, okay. From whom? Shoot your shot. From the doodler.

What? Oh, okay. First, you got to save. So give me that roll. I'm not going to use this dice because this is the dice I used on that one. Beth, if you chew red vines while you make that roll. Those red vines are gone, huh? Yeah, the red vines go flowing off into space. Fuck, I got a 13.

So that means what? I'm insane. I can't talk or do anything. So you have space madness. That's my favorite Disneyland ride. I should have used the other dice. All right, so you begin to look into the soul. I wanted to be on the top of the doodler.

You look into the soul of the doodler, and before you can even open your mouth to ask a question, I wanted to be on the top of the doodler. You look into the soul of the doodler and the mirror, before you can even open your mouth to ask a question, the contrasting emotions and everything drives you just as mad as an almost drove Larkin. What's his face? Normal. You look into the eye of madness and the eye of madness stares back and you're in space.

So it's the enormity of that really gets to you. You hate to see it. Your next album is going to be so good. Like you just lost so much yeah it's like Beatles after they came back from India

okay do you take damage 6d6 6d6 damage 6d6 so that's everybody's end of turn oh what about Hermie

oh does Hermie kiss normal to give him his oxygen so the normal can hold his breath longer no Hermie opens his arms up and embraces the void so okay

that's the end of the turn at that moment Nick pops back into existence, and he's holding a bunch of signs and some paper. And he goes, the first sign says, I'm so sorry, and he throws that one away. He goes, this was the best idea I had, I'm so sorry, and he throws that one away. There's nothing that's oxygen-proof in hell.

He throws that one away. And the time dilation went faster than I thought, and he throws that away. And he goes, okay, you all have to get married now. And he throws that one away, and the time dilation went faster than I thought. And he throws that away. And he goes, okay, you all have to get married now. And he throws that one away. And he produces five separate marriage licenses with five separate gravity independent pens. To me, you are perfect.

And he throws them at you. And then he really quickly looks around and he takes out another piece of paper and he writes on it. He goes, where's Taylor? And then Taylor kind of comes floating out. Is the suit work? Please tell me it works. Uh, roll. Solar power. There's no way. But for

now, let me say, without hope or agenda, just because it's Christmas. Thirteen. Thirteen. So with a thirteen, there's no oxygen but you are at least protected from some of the heat from the sun and the earth. Ah, solar radiation. It's a real killer. My favorite thing about that sign is that he says, say it's Carol Singers

and my brain every single time goes, who is Carol Singers? I mean, Link is just signing and he just looks at Nick like, this is the only option, clearly. Taylor now just has a- Eyes bleeding, he signs. Taylor has a space suit

and he also like pushes out from the spaceship. The corpse of Bruce Willis attached to it. No, he pushes out from the, dang, I had a good plan too. And he like comes over, but he's in a space suit. Then we all Bruce Willis attached to it. No. He pushes out from the... Dang, I had a good plan, too. And he, like, comes over, but he's in a space suit. Any signs?

Any signs? But Hermes is just embracing death? Is that what's going on right now? But then he sees Nick come back and he opens his eyes and he's, like, confused. And he starts, like, trying to...

I mean, he's just floating in space. So he's just like... And then Nick uses a rocket pack that he brought with him to move a little bit. Well, there's no noise, so it's...

As he gets closer to you. I don't know why I even opened my mouth and made no noise. So yeah, Nick is zooming around getting signatures from everybody. All right, I signed the paper. Are we all marrying each other? Do we all have to pair off?

What's going on? We gotta become one person under the eyes of the Lord. That's true. All right, so what are you gonna do, Scary? Child wedding. Oh, um,

Scary, Scary signs, um, Scary signs, Terry, and that's when you know something is deeply wrong. Wow.

Oh, wow. She signs Terry and a heart. Wow. Whoa. Oh my God. Hermie signs Hermie, and then he says in parentheses,

but I'm not explicitly married to taylor who is my uncle or i'm his uncle contract law in his many years as an adult when he was in a video game like as he passes it over like scratches that part out like really important we're all married and he would also know he needs to get her with the initial of any changes that he's made to the doc. I look around and I just forge his initials. I'll take this crime later.

I know this contract has to be fucking airtight. And this is the plan. Look, it's not my fault. If this is the plan we're going with. They can get an annulment. They can get an annulment. Yeah, you get an annulment. All right, so Nick pulls out another set of signs.

He goes, okay, do you take each other to be each other's people? Normal nods. Taylor thumbs ups enthusiastically. Scary nods enthusiastically. Hermie space size and nods. And then he pulls out another one and says, by the power invested in me by space, I declare you all married. And now you are, you feel you are one person.

Legally under God, you are one union soul. We all hold hands. Everyone holds hands in normal caste banishment. Okay, what happens? What does happen? We go back to here one minute later. You just go back right here? No, we come back here one minute later.

Yeah, but one minute later is still space. Shit, but we get to hold on to that shit. No, no, no, it isn't. Because Earth is moving relative to the rest of the universe not in a minute you think in a minute it's gonna move so much how fast do you think earth moves wait really quick though i will say not to not to don't bite you but that's the way that spell works that means anytime you use it like in combat it doesn't work because earth is thousands of miles per hour so that means 67 000 miles an hour what you're saying is that if you use this on your feet on earth with an atmosphere and you

used it sorry you're in the crust now when you come back sorry you're at the sun now it would be nice if we portaled to like a realm that was all like space survival equipment and then portaled back is there like a is there like a teleport realm? Is there a realm where we can teleport to other places? If the target is native to a different planet of existence, which is all of us, then the one you're on, and none of us are from Earth, the target is banished with a

faint popping noise, returning to its home planet. Oh, home planet. Home plane. If the spell ends before one minute has passed, the target reappears in the space it left, or in the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied. Otherwise, the target does not return. So as long as I continue to cast the spell

for more than a minute, we'll all go back to San Dimas, I guess. So could we do this? Could we teleport back to our home plane? Yeah, I think you get... Go to where there are spacesuits. Yes, I was going to say, you get 48 hours in your home plane

to try to prepare yourselves for the inevitable getting yoink going back to that exact spot yes yes this is what we do we go and we all field trip to the air and space museum let's teleport let's get there for like let's teleport to a plus banishment and everyone winds up back in san dimas wait it's important do we show up at normal's house or can we show up anywhere in that realm? I feel like anywhere in that realm. Okay, I mean... Oh, you don't want to show up at JPL or something?

That's what I'm saying. JPL's not that far from San Dimas, dude. That's what I'm saying. All right, fine. It's your spell. It just says returning to its home plane. You're right. So yes, normal tries to remember where JPL is

and gives it his best shot. Okay, so you go to JPL. We come out of the teleport at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. You appear randomly in the middle of one of the labs and everybody's like, what the fuck? And they're freaked out that you just managed to apparate here

and they go, what's going on? Well, for one thing, we just got married. Yeah. One thing, we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Bake, steal, and borrow Break where we can't change

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM.

Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe and myself. Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Thank you to our special guest this week, Tori Shaw. Tori, where can people find you? On Instagram, they can find me at 10 steps to my dream. And that's 10 the number. Also special thanks this week to Aaron Leslie,

who submitted a magical item that came in handy and we used during the campaign. You can submit items, names, things that we use. If you're a Patreon supporter, More on that in a second. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

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Matthew Williams, Cove, T-Rad, and Brandon Snook. Some exciting news for us to announce. We're going to be doing our first ever live show in a live setting at Rooster Teeth Expo this year. That's happening July 7th through the 9th in Austin, Texas. We're going to be doing a live show. We're going to be showing up on some panels. We're going to be selling merch. We're going to be doing a live show. We're going to be showing up on some panels. We're going to be selling merch. We're going to be smelling pretty funky by the end of the weekend.

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that you get at dungeonsanddaddies.com slash patreon and if you are so inclined you may support us directly at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads it means a lot we appreciate it our twitter is dungeons and dads our website dungeons and daddies our store store.dungeonsanddaddies.com our subreddit is dungeons and daddies our next episode june 5th we will see you then we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today we live for tomorrow bake steel and borrow brave while we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow.

I'll be on my way. Bless you. I got Joker makeup in my nose.