Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 35 - Apollo Four Teens

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

The teens must make the necessary preparations to survive SPAAAACEThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us ...on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Taylor Swift to Nicholas Taylor Swift to Nicholas Take this portal to escape the ISS Taylor Swift to Nicholas Taylor Swift to Nicholas I see you floating with no limbs Hold position and our team will come to you.
Starting point is 00:01:17 This is David Swift to Nicholas. We've really been betrayed. And we're flying through the vacuum very fast And I'm pretty sure our oxygen won't last This is Nicholas to Taylor Swift I've had some time to kill And I think I have the most ingenious plan
Starting point is 00:01:53 I've announced you man and wife and man and man and man I really married all my best friends Far above Utah Planet Earth is blue And I'm one of several blues Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:36 A Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world getting all mixed up kind of adventures and trying to fix things. Set things right right that's right my name is freddie wong i play taylor swift taylor swift who keeps his last name in this arrangement just like his mom wow power move just say you don't love us taylor's teen fact for this week taylor has been married before what go on to his body pillows oh god a little ceremony
Starting point is 00:03:08 and everything oh god Tori's not here anymore you don't have to keep bombing jokes for me I was about to say and I got the validation I wanted
Starting point is 00:03:18 I was like this set will be funny to like a very small subsect of like one specific
Starting point is 00:03:23 are you litigating last week said now I think I did great and for that one person I think they thought so too I mean you gave our podcast heat nobody's ever had
Starting point is 00:03:32 before which is I've seen multiple people like I had to stop listening because it was cringing so hard you like did a physical thing to a lot of our listener base and for
Starting point is 00:03:39 that you should be commended that is power hey everybody my name is Matthew Arnold I play Lincoln Swallow Oaks Garcia Swift Marlo Lee Wilson the unworthy mm-hmm and in fact link has actually been is power hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln swallow oaks garcia swift marlo lee wilson the unworthy and teen fact link has actually been married i'm like fucking taylor
Starting point is 00:03:51 did everyone do this fact well because i had that speed run video game that's true lincoln was married and the only fact you know that's a very personal like look that's a life that lincoln lived that is not for anybody else that's his own personal life no that's not for him to share what happened but i will say that you know while him and chris were in that is not for anybody else. That's his own personal life. No, that's not for him to share what happened. But I will say that, you know, while him and Chris were in couples counseling, not for any specific reason, just, you know, it's couples counseling.
Starting point is 00:04:12 They did have a little bit of a fight. And one thing Chris did say to Lincoln was that if anything were to happen to me, I don't ever want you to remarry. So Lincoln's a little bit, like academically he understands, like that was a video game and like this isn't a real marriage but like it is it is chris like this it is weighing on him a little bit fucked up for
Starting point is 00:04:32 chris to drop that out there to a psychopath complex relationship they were gonna apologize that night but the video game ended like that like that's the problem like the video game ended mid fight like people say things you regret like that was the day Link won a million dollars or whatever? Hey, look. This is what I want to talk about. Don't judge Chris from the one mistake I'm bringing out. That's Chris at their worst moment, okay? Why is it that the characters that marry your characters are always the most risible,
Starting point is 00:04:57 dislikable characters in the context you see them in? I'm responsible for Carol. That's on you. Yeah, that's your fault, Anthony. You're the one who brought that heat. It's all coming out. It's all coming out of this intro maybe you guys just hate women just women that like matt hi everyone i'm will campos and i play normal oak swallows garcia marlo lee wilson swift the
Starting point is 00:05:17 unworthy a perky peppy chip for cherry school spirit mascot i'm surprised garcia marlo lee wilson swift the unworthy i'm surprised you're putting the Unworthy always at the end. Why not start off with it, you know? Or put it in the middle like Oaks swallows the Unworthy. No! No! Bring me your Unworthy that I may swallow them! Anyway, my teen fact about Normal this week
Starting point is 00:05:38 is that Normal has been married before. Wait, are we all doing the same fact? It is fan fiction! Nice! This whole arrangement is before. Wait, are we all doing the same fact? It is fan fiction. Nice. This whole arrangement is actually eerily similar to a fake marriage of convenience AU that he wrote about
Starting point is 00:05:54 all of the Sandemus mascots in which the Chaparral Bulldog and Teeny the Teen had to get fake married because Teeny the Teen was dying in the hospital. Did he write a villain to love a story? The other mascots
Starting point is 00:06:07 were all horning in to steal his will and he's like, no, I'm fake married. It's going to go to someone else. Wow. It was dark.
Starting point is 00:06:13 Again, houses shown up. This was the second part of his house MD crossover. The more you do this, turns out he wasn't dying. It was just a weird random disease. He had a big tapeworm
Starting point is 00:06:20 like in that episode of House. And then they were like, maybe we should be married. We'll see what happens next time. The more you do this, the more you owe the audience these fan fictions. That's true. Yeah. I'll see what my good friend chat GGTP can cook up.
Starting point is 00:06:33 Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Terry Marlowe. And, you know, like other last names. She's a hardworking soccer star whose mom is her best friend. She's also, I technically guess insane. Fun fact. I'm not doing a marriage fact. I'm not doing that. Fun fact about Terry is she actually
Starting point is 00:06:54 likes scary movies sometimes, but not too scary. It's a little bit scary. What's an example of a not too scary movie? Like Labyrinth or The Great Mouse Detective. Oh, no. Labyrinth is like the scariest fucking movie, though. The last 10 minutes killed me.
Starting point is 00:07:14 My name is Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, daddy. My dad fact is I have been married before. so when we last left you you cast banishment so you'd banish yourself to your plane of origin which was back on what you know as earth but is reality i want to jump in for the rule lawyers many people brought up that if you concentrate on banishment for a minute straight you stay in whatever plane you are in however i think it's fair to say that banishment is usually a spell you cast on someone else.
Starting point is 00:07:47 And I think the act of casting banishment on yourself, I think jumping through the portal, normal loss is concentration, because he was so excited about the fact that he was married now. I also had a fun idea of what we could say anytime we do the rules differently. Is that unlike the folks that listen, we have a little inside to Wizards of the Coast,
Starting point is 00:08:04 so we're just playing with the next edition of Wizards of the Coast. Don't worry, you'll see where the new books come down. You'll see where the new books come down. It's not D&D Next, it's D&D Next Next. This is the preview. We're making sure the balance is good. Yeah, you warped back to the Forgotten Realms, specifically to the JPL,
Starting point is 00:08:22 with the knowledge that you have roughly 48 hours to come up with a plan to survive your impending plummet down to Earth back on the Earth-doodler realm. Can I ask what happened to Nick? Oh, yeah. Because Nick wasn't married. Yeah, Nick, he didn't marry Nick.
Starting point is 00:08:34 Is he still in space? Yeah, but he also probably did a banishment spell to get him there, and then he probably popped back where he was. Well, no, he got popped back the first time because I cast banishment on him originally. Right, right, right. And that's why he came back.
Starting point is 00:08:44 But he has all his limbs now, so he has the power to carve portals wherever he wants to he just do that to get us here okay so nick lost his ability to make portals nick's still in space he's falling nick's still in space he's falling he's waiting for you it's like inception where the car is falling off we're gonna need to bring an extra space suit we're gonna show back up in like one second of his time it'll be instant for him but it's gonna be 48 hours for you yeah so you pop up in the middle of the jpl and that is the jet propulsion laboratory sorry yes sunny pasadena for all of you who are walking yada but yeah pasadena locking the other and also like the place if i remember correctly matt like that was what everyone was afraid of when 9-11 happened like that was the target near you right yeah i was
Starting point is 00:09:23 like i remember i remember my older brother was not helpful when 9-11 happened and i was so paranoid i was like we're? Yeah, I was like, I remember my older brother was not helpful when 9-11 happened and I was so paranoid. I was like, we're gonna get nuked, we're gonna get nuked. You know what though? We're gonna get a new colleague, but that's not important. Then my brother was like,
Starting point is 00:09:31 well, JPL is one of the top strategic locations in the world. So like, yeah, we'd probably get nuked. I was like, oh God. So then for like a whole week, I was like stressing out, be like, can we move farther away from Locke and Yotta, please?
Starting point is 00:09:41 Like, please, can we just go on vacation to San Diego or something? Like, why are we here? Yeah. But yes, you were inside the JPL. You look like you're in an observation room. You can see through a window that there is the big centrifuge thing, the spinny, spinny thing that makes you get knocked out.
Starting point is 00:09:55 That's really cool. The window. Yeah. You know, it's the observation. The room where Michael Bay gets to look at the actors training for Armageddon. Yeah, he's up there. And you see a bunch of scientists that you obviously don't recognize who turn and look at you in shock.
Starting point is 00:10:08 One of them begins to reach for a walkie talkie. Um, hello, wait, everyone remain calm. My name is Normal Oaks. I was Garcia Marlowe, Lee Wilson, the Swift, the Unworthy, and I'm with daddies. These are my compatriots. And we are here because we are in dire need of space equipment. That's why we're here. And we would love it if you could help us with that. We only have 48 hours.
Starting point is 00:10:29 Hey, hey, hey, space nerds, buddies, over here. Like, we got, just put us in something that can reenter orbit, like, right? In 48 hours, this team is going to be launched back into Earth orbit in another plane of existence, and we're going to need helmets and oxygen and all manner of apparati to make sure we don't die i also noticed none of you said congratulations ah oh scary scary are you what's up you seem different well of course my soul is connected to all of you in a way i've never felt like before i don't know why i'm so happy do you guys want me to kill her now?
Starting point is 00:11:05 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, well, that's great. That's awesome. Wow. Remember how it's like... Gary, this isn't a real marriage, okay? Like, it's important for me to understand. You instantly pop backwards.
Starting point is 00:11:19 Fingers across. Your fingers across. No, they weren't. Wait, he's back in space? Yeah, he's back in space. The second that he decides that it's not a real marriage, his soul is no longer. I close my eyes, and I think back to the group sessions,
Starting point is 00:11:32 and I remember that the fight was just a fight, and I deepen my soul. I know Chris will forgive me, and I embrace the fact that this new marriage is real. Okay, and then you pop back. I appear just tears in my eyes. You pop back, but you pop back like 12 hours later. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Okay. So when we cut back, you're already in a conference room with security guards. What a way of moving it along. Normal's in the middle of finishing an elaborate equation on the fucking chalkboard. The head scientist is like, we have this to work with. And he like opens a big box of tools and like empties it on the fucking deskboard. The head scientist is like, we have this to work with. And he like opens a big box of tools and like empties it on the fucking desk like in Apollo 13.
Starting point is 00:12:08 You hear a knock at the door. The door kicks open and you hear a familiar voice go, oh, what the fuck? What is this? And you see Hero Oak Garcia swallows standing at the door. And she goes,
Starting point is 00:12:19 why did you guys have to come to my internship? Hero, what are you doing here? My internship. I was trying to hang out. What are you? I heard something about you guys are going back to my internship? Zero, what are you doing here? My internship. I was trying to hang out. What are you? I heard something about you guys are going back to Earth. Yeah, oh, that's interesting that you're doing an internship because I'm over here doing your job.
Starting point is 00:12:33 Yeah, thanks for that, I guess. I mean, right? We don't have to get into the chosen one thing now, do we? No, no, no. It kind of came out a little hard swinging, but I do have a lot of questions about that. You didn't even know your sister worked here? No.
Starting point is 00:12:44 What happened to your job at the pizza place? They fired you for incompetence? I still have that job. This is an unpaid internship. Guys, guys, this is our sister-in-law. We need to be more welcoming. Hey, sis, what's up? Hi, who are you?
Starting point is 00:12:57 I'm Terry. Oh, damn, Noral. You can have cool friends. Thanks. I guess I think I'm pretty cool, too. You know what? I like her. What is going on? Well, we're not friends, also. We guess I think I'm pretty cool, too. You know what? I like her. What is going on?
Starting point is 00:13:07 Well, we're not friends, also. We're all married, just so you know. We're all married. Well, we're part of your family now. I think it's important for this to be a real marriage that works. You don't just marry your spouse. You marry their family, too. So, like, hero, come on.
Starting point is 00:13:23 I hold it for a big hug. Sis. too so like hero give it come on so she just steps away from you and walks to the other side of the room and she goes what what is it it's okay i love you no matter what even if you because you're my sis now so oh god uh so how do we get you out of here can you just leave can you just get out we will go back to my word i promise we just need look. We got a lot of unfinished business here. There's a lot of stuff you and I need to talk about, and we'll pencil that in for later. But right now, let's just put your space helmet on before you help someone else put on theirs, right?
Starting point is 00:13:53 Yeah. What do we need? We need space time. We need to survive. Well, as I can see from the conference board, you guys already figured it all out. Too bad I wasn't here. Too bad I wasn't here.
Starting point is 00:14:02 Yeah, go ahead and read what you put on the conference board in the last 12 hours well it sounds like you're gonna take one of the many space devices that you guys have here for re-entry i don't know what they're called i'm just a kid but they're probably like part of a space shuttle or something and we're gonna go in there and then we'll just wait in there until we get warped back to where we were the head scientist goes i told you so many times the past 12 hours you can't just say space devices. Space devices is not specific enough.
Starting point is 00:14:28 And Hiro goes, I got this. I'll handle this. You head back, sir, if you don't mind. This is my brother. And I guess my brothers and sisters. So I will handle this on my own. Okay, so the actual requirements to be an astronaut, if that's what you're trying to do, you need jet flight experience. You need a bachelor's degree.
Starting point is 00:14:45 You need to pass an interview. You need jet flight experience. You need a bachelor's degree. You need to pass an interview. You need to speak Russian. Stop right there. We're not going into space. We're just coming back to Earth. We're already in space. We've already got the astronaut part done. We're just going back into Earth.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Okay. So we're like... An Earth-tronaut, if you think about it. Yeah, Earth-tronauts. Is there a way we can compromise and learn new things in a short amount of time? With your help, maybe. Yeah, I mean, I could try to teach you everything i know about entering suborbital atmosphere and i can provide some interesting information as well in sixth grade i won an egg drop by insulating an
Starting point is 00:15:17 egg in a shoe box and other things so i feel like if we use that the basis of our strategy here the problem is any vehicle we're in is not getting taken with us. It's only what we're wearing. Correct. Honey, sorry to interrupt you, but really quick. I know I wasn't here for the first 12 hours, but maybe here, can I just explain our situation and maybe you can help? It's pretty simple.
Starting point is 00:15:36 Yeah, I mean, I pretty much know your situation. I look for a picture of the Earth. Okay, there's one nearby. JPL always keeps a picture of Earth around. That's what we're fighting for, ladies and gents. I want you, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to look at that picture right there. You tap that thing every time you leave the room like Rudy. A fucking astronaut blasting off and he's got like that little picture of Earth.
Starting point is 00:15:57 I take a little pen and I'm like, so like we're here. And like you keep going up, there's clouds, right? Yeah. We're like higher than that. Yes. We're going above the clouds. I know what space is. Where it's dark.
Starting point is 00:16:08 Yes space. Okay. So we're right there. So like in 36 hours 36 hours Oh god. We haven't accomplished anything.
Starting point is 00:16:16 We're just going to appear there. And we're already going down. So we just need to not die on the way down. You're not going down because if you go back right now you'll maintain your current momentum, which is none.
Starting point is 00:16:27 So you'll just be floating there. You'll be a satellite. But the gravitational pull of Earth will yank us towards Earth. Yes, slowly. You'll burn up. Ah, but if we go slowly, as with Operation Egg Drop, as Terry here has so delightfully given us here, we'll drop slowly like that one guy who jumped from the atmosphere.
Starting point is 00:16:44 That was a Red Bull guy. Oh, the Red Bull guy. Yeah, the Red Bull guy. Everyone knows him, I guess, here at JPL. Yeah. There's a picture of him next to her. There's a picture of him
Starting point is 00:16:50 next to Juneau next to him. It's like those photos and like sometimes when you go into like a convenience store. This guy does bad checks, yeah. Yeah, yeah. This guy perverted
Starting point is 00:16:59 everything JPL stood for. Yeah. So your plan is to do a slow descent and just surround yourself in egg cartons and stuff? Well, there's a lot of ways we can achieve a slow descent. Obviously, you idiot. Guys, I guess that falling from space
Starting point is 00:17:12 is a lot like marriage and love. A ring of fire. Okay. Okay. Okay, yeah. Yeah, that's right. I kind of get that. And we're going down, down, down,
Starting point is 00:17:24 but the flames are getting higher. Okay, now I'm back to wanting to kill. Catch up on that one. Oh, wow. I'm back to wanting to kill this one. While I was gone, did you guys talk about Scary What's Up? Yeah, so it's, well, our friend Terry is here. And it seems like our friend Terry came out to say hi after talking to the doodler.
Starting point is 00:17:43 It seems like maybe this was a little part of Scary that had been, I don't know, kind of hidden way down for a while. But I, for one, think this is a great change. You marry somebody knowing you marry all their eventualities. So if that's who you are now, I'm here for you. Terry, I married you. Thank you. Okay. I married you as well.
Starting point is 00:18:01 Guys, what's going on? So like, what's up with Scary? We think Scary may be experiencing a fugue state, regressing to a prior state. Was it regressing if she's, like, cooler now? She's F9ing herself into a previous state. Jesus Christ. Another joke I make specifically for my friend Anthony sitting over there. For all the millennial FPS gamers out there.
Starting point is 00:18:24 I think we just got to take, you know, Scary's clearly going through a lot. Just give her space. We got to give her space. We got to see this through. You know, buy the ticket, take the ride. I mean, I'd love to really open up and talk to you about all of my emotions.
Starting point is 00:18:33 Oh my God, really? Finally? I have so many questions. Well, I was thinking we have so much work to do. But I mean, yeah, like if you want to get into it, we can. But I think we've really got to focus on surviving and then we can worry about thriving. I love that.
Starting point is 00:18:46 That's beautiful. Yeah. Wow. Anyway, that's as far as we got. I'm tired now. I'd like to sleep. That's what Chris would say a lot. Who's Chris?
Starting point is 00:18:53 Never mind. Okay, that's great. You can go take a nap, Taylor. All right. We'll figure this out. Hero, so what do you do here? Can you help us figure this out? It seemed like you clearly have a lot of juice because you kicked like six scientists out of the room.
Starting point is 00:19:06 They just didn't want to deal with you. They were sick of spending the last 12 hours near all of you. They called for anybody to come and get rid of them. And I even recognized your name on the call sheet. Well, I mean, I just do data entry here. I'm an intern. They don't tell me anything, but I like,
Starting point is 00:19:18 you know, I'm interested in sciences. Yeah, can you help us? Can you circling back to that? We're going to get shot into space. Can you help us? Yes, I certainly can. She says for a price. Okay.
Starting point is 00:19:29 Always with the price with this. Yeah. What's the price for keeping all your brothers and sisters alive? So she puts her arm around you normal and she takes you aside and she goes, I need you to give me a date with Taylor. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's no problem. I'm sure I can set that up.
Starting point is 00:19:45 I want him. Okay. Okay. Wow, this is more than we've talked for more than five years. This is the longest conversation we've had in quite some time. And it's ending now. Okay. What is it that hero wants, you guys?
Starting point is 00:19:59 Real quick, real quick. Taylor, can I see you in the hallway? Taylor's already asleep in his chair. He's honking so hard. Whoa, this vending machine has pocky in it oh the cookies and cream maybe all right yeah just come check it out oh my god taylor outside hey taylor there's no fucking pocky how you doing god damn where's the fucking pocky all right so now you got me on a... Now I want it. I can't even concentrate. I'm just thinking about it. You ever play with a
Starting point is 00:20:30 Pocky like it's a little cigarette? Kind of weird. Because you don't eat cigarettes. And they don't taste like strawberry. So it really doesn't... It really falls apart. Yeah, man. Terry pokes her head out and is like, Hey guys, I just thought that since we were married we shouldn't really have secrets anymore. Okay, well, yeah, you could... Come on out. is like, hey guys, I just thought that like since we are married, we shouldn't really have secrets anymore.
Starting point is 00:20:46 Okay, well, yeah, you could, yeah, come on out. Link, come out too, I guess. No, I'm talking to Hero. Oh, okay. Alright.
Starting point is 00:21:01 Oh my God. The most Matt Arnold ass. I was gonna let you guys have your seat. All right, I, um, so I say, so, Terry, maybe you can help us out with this. Hero will help us out. She's got clearly, like, a lot of juice around here. She can help us.
Starting point is 00:21:18 Don't see how she managed to pull that off. Well, there is a thing, when she said she wanted a favor, and the favor is... What, money? No. Ugh, money? No. Ugh, what? She-
Starting point is 00:21:28 Taylor, she would really like to go hang out with you. So one-on-one, you know, just as friends. Oh, just as friends. Yeah. If that makes it easier for you. What'd she say about me? She said that you- I need more you. What did she say about me? She said that you... I need more details.
Starting point is 00:21:48 What did she say? She said that like... She said like she wants you. To do what? I don't know. That's a good question. Maybe you can find that out on your date. A date?
Starting point is 00:22:03 You're thinking about already opening up this marriage? Normald, we haven't even discussed this with Link. Guys, you know we're not really married, right? You popped back to Earth. Absolutely. All right, so I'm into space. Yeah, you're in space again. And Nick's like, what?
Starting point is 00:22:25 I gesture to Nick to remarry me to everybody. So you want to renew your vows? You have to mean it. You have to mean it in your heart. I went through therapy in space to mean it. Yeah, you have to mean it. I have to mean it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:37 Okay, Normal summons all of his, he just thinks really, really, really hard about Hermie and how cute he is and how much, you know, like he was kind of hoping that you know maybe this would just like in his fan fiction that this would lead to something real uh and he just kind of puts all of his energy into that and he goes i'm married again a role yeah because in your vision you see taylor's head slowly rising from behind her shoulder i think in heaven there's like an insurance board but they're like you know marriage like they're saying they're like watching our like fucking like stats
Starting point is 00:23:07 what are the line odds on this one you know what are the bookies saying i got an 11 okay so with an 11 i feel like that counts your affection for her me is real enough that the idea of being married to him is strong enough that you can pop back 12 hours later the other the other four the other four people in your marriage are doing a lot of the heavy lifting. That's okay. That's like what a relationship is. Sometimes people don't have it in them to do like, you know, the work and you can pick up the slack
Starting point is 00:23:34 as long as you love that person and care about them. Normal, glad you're back. I'm well rested now. Is that all you guys did? We have one day. They slept for 12 hours. We have one day left. Terry did not sleep okay yeah what did terry do she was just thinking about like she called her she called her mom and told her that she was married
Starting point is 00:23:54 yeah i don't know i just like i always think about how you said we're strong women and we can do it alone and stuff like that. I haven't said that before. I just think about like you saying that and I know you did such a great job raising me by yourself. And I just think the world of you, mom. You're like my best friend. Scary. If someone's holding a gun on you, I want you to say sanctuary. Well, no, no.
Starting point is 00:24:20 It's like I feel almost like somebody's holding a gun to my heart and it can explode at any time because I just feel so full of, like, love, but also scared, and I wanted to tell you all of that. Hon, I can't lie. It feels really nice to hear sort of the old you, but did something, what happened? Are you okay? Is everything okay? Well, I'm in space, and, yeah, I'm scared.
Starting point is 00:24:43 I mean, I'm, like, not in space now, but I'm going to be. And yeah, it's so scary, and I just want to tell you that. But I also think I'm going to be able to figure it out with the help of my husbands. Sorry, was that an F? Did I hear an F? Click. Click. All right, I got to go, Mom. They want me to help out with work.
Starting point is 00:25:02 What? Do my job. Me and Hiro are like tearing up over the finale of some anime. I've just been showing her anime and talking all about Taylor and all of his interests and trying to help her out. So, normally, when you come back, Hiro pulls you aside and he goes, I changed my mind. What? I'm into Link now. What?
Starting point is 00:25:23 What? What happened to Taylor? And then I come over to her. I'm like'm like okay you saw all that stuff about Taylor right you got it yeah but here's the lesson here's the lesson sis throw that all away because you don't change for anybody you just go there and you just be yourself and you're good enough
Starting point is 00:25:38 and if Taylor doesn't like you for who you are whether or not you like anime because I'll be honest you were crying that last one but you didn't like the other ones just go be yourself and if you're not enough for him, sis, you don't need anybody else. So this may be too specific, but Hiro does the thing that I've seen girls do when they're attracted to somebody, which is she opens her mouth like she's kind of shocked
Starting point is 00:25:53 at something and looks up at you as if something is wrong, but it's in a good way. She didn't expect that. Okay, that's what I do all the time with everybody I know. Well, you're... That doesn't crush on everyone! Yes. And she immediately goes to you, Normal,
Starting point is 00:26:08 and she's like, this is the guy. Never mind. Taylor was... That was the crush of a young girl. I've since become... In the last 12 hours, I've become a woman.
Starting point is 00:26:16 Okay, can you... I'll talk to Link. Can you work on the space stuff, please? I'm going to get shot into space in 24 hours. Yes. Yes, you are. Taylor, Taylor's... Link, can I see you outside?
Starting point is 00:26:26 Yeah, what's up? What's up, honey? Yeah, wow, there's grass and a football out here there's a soccer ball out here it feels weird saying let's just have it i keep saying sweetie and i don't want to put that on you so like what's the term like how do we talk to each other just call me man all right man all right man let's go outside. Yeah. Hey, so, Link, it seems like whatever you did in the last 12 hours, it seems like my sister has got a big crush on you now. She wants to go on a date with you.
Starting point is 00:26:53 That does happen sometimes. My dad's always been a pretty likable guy. Well, that's rough because I just don't have any feelings towards her, but I got to be mature about it and just go tell her. I don't want this to get drawn out into a big dramatic thing that's just not how adults... We're married now, dude. This is how adults hear, I got this, and I walk straight to Hero.
Starting point is 00:27:12 And you're like, no! What's up? I feel like Taylor has taken the opportunity, now that he's out of the room, is mid-conversation with Hero over here. So what is the conversation you're having? I just think Link's confidence went through the fucking
Starting point is 00:27:27 stratosphere the second he got married. What happened to this guy? Taylor's like, You completed him. So Taylor's like, so are you staying in good anime?
Starting point is 00:27:36 What the fuck did you just say? Did you say, did you just see any anime lately? Listen, let me just fucking use your ear holes. All right.
Starting point is 00:27:43 Taylor goes, Hey, sweetie, do my advice if I interrupt for just a second? I was just asking if you're seeing good anime, Zizzy. I only watch good anime, obviously. So, yeah, I have. I didn't ever expect that. You're a fucking loser. Hey.
Starting point is 00:27:58 You know what? I don't have to take that kind of treatment anymore. That doesn't excite me in the way that it used to. Wait, what? Wait, what? Wait, what? Nothing. What? I don't have to explain my anime preferences to you or anybody else for that matter.
Starting point is 00:28:10 I am a independent person. And it took a man to teach me that. Whoops. Lizzie Daisy. Link just stares at this. And he's to say it's like but he just walks away he goes straight to terry hey hey sweetie can i ask you something oh yeah anything so i found that hero has a crush on me oh my gosh and i was about to tell her like i'm not interested because that's the mature thing to do but she seems to be like going through a lot right now
Starting point is 00:28:41 i'm afraid that that may be really harmful. But maybe I'm just thinking too much. Like maybe I'm just like centering everything around me. Maybe that's like me putting too much importance on myself. Like what should I do? Well, I don't know if I would tell you this if I wasn't married to you. But sometimes I think like maybe a lie to make somebody feel good is okay. But if you're going to hurt them in the long run and all those feelings of emptiness are going to surround you and you're going to realize that nobody wants you and nobody ever will.
Starting point is 00:29:13 I don't want her to feel that way. Oh. I don't want her to feel that way. Okay. Sorry. I was just like a little like, okay. Wait, let me find my head again. I think you should just like play it cool And see what she does
Starting point is 00:29:26 Taylor busts in in this conversation Walks away from the conversation Terry Terry I need your help Anything for you sweetums Listen I'm cancelling We should have gotten you guys married earlier As my wife I need your help I need some wifey advice Of course I'm canceling. We should have gotten you guys married earlier. As my wife.
Starting point is 00:29:46 I need your advice. I need some wifey advice. Of course. Our blood debt is temporarily lifted. So HeroLikesLink now. HeroLikesLink now. Oh, yeah, I know. What happened? I was sharpening my sword and slicking my hair back for 12 hours.
Starting point is 00:30:00 And I come back. I know, because. Your sword is so small now. You've worn away so much of it. Yeah. Yeah, Normal and I were already talking about the dynamics. You already talked to him. Of opening up the marriage.
Starting point is 00:30:12 We're opening up the marriage. About you specifically. But now we're going to have to kind of reframe that with Link. Yeah. What are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? How do I get her to like me again? Well, I think what a girl really likes.
Starting point is 00:30:23 Taking notes. Is somebody who will just be there for her. Through, you know, the bad stuff and the good stuff. Just somebody who could be proud of her. But what can I do? Okay. What if you walked up to her and you smiled real big? Okay. I'm going to try that. I'm going to report back. Okay. Normal. Okay, I'm gonna try that.
Starting point is 00:30:46 I'm gonna report back. Normal is gonna check in with Hermie. What has Hermie been doing this whole time? Working hard. Building a space shuttle. Hermie's been fucking working. He already looks like a NASA guy with the horn-rimmed glasses and the rolled up fucking sleeves and the pocket protector. He's settled into his role.
Starting point is 00:31:02 He's got a pencil behind his fucking ear. He's like looking at a clipboard doing calculations and shit and doing drawings of trajectories and stuff he goes what is it I am busy oh I love my
Starting point is 00:31:11 hardworking husband um normal so Hermes stops and goes normal I have to talk to you normal remember a long
Starting point is 00:31:22 long time ago yeah I had a crush on Scary uh huh it's come back what I'm willing to Normal. Remember a long, long time ago? Yeah. I had a crush on Scary. Uh-huh. It's come back. What? I'm willing to thruple this.
Starting point is 00:31:30 I just want you to know that, first of all. So this is not me rejecting you any more than I already had. Okay. That felt like a lot of rejection earlier. It was. Okay. But I'm dangling it over you now because I want you to help me with Scary. They're already married.
Starting point is 00:31:43 You're an inoculant. You're already married. Sometimes you can be married and still be very separate already married. You're an irritant. Sometimes you can be married and still be very separate from somebody, you know what I mean? We're married, but I don't know if we're married in italics, you know what I mean? He disappears. Okay. Normal leaps into action says, I'm not married to any of you. But you don't believe it.
Starting point is 00:32:11 I divorce you all. Ooh, okay. Wait, what? Wait, whoa, what? We didn't even talk about this. Open communication is a cornerstone of relationships. So if you want to divorce him, you're going to have to hire a lawyer.
Starting point is 00:32:20 Oh, shit, I can't just say I'm divorced and then be in this place. No, that's not how it works. Oh, guys, Hermie just went away. He's gone. can't just say I'm divorced and then be in space. No, that's not how it works. Oh, guys, Hermie just went away. He's gone. Hermie just beamed up into space.
Starting point is 00:32:28 Yeah, but you guys all came back in like 12 hours anyway. No, but the last time he was in space he like embraced the void, dude. Who knows what's going to happen up there?
Starting point is 00:32:35 I guess he's only going to be there for a couple seconds before we're back though. Oh my God, oh my God. I turn away from Hero and then I say, if he really cares
Starting point is 00:32:43 about this marriage, he'll come back just like we came back. Oh, my God. When you love something, you sometimes got to let it go, even if that's going into outer space. All right. Everybody shut the fuck up. Everybody shut up. All right.
Starting point is 00:32:55 Look, we're all married. Yes, fine. We are going to get beamed into space in 24 hours. So I need everyone to cut the teenager crap for three seconds. We now rally as a team. We got to figure out whatever Hermie was writing over here, and we've got to get our lot together okay all right here's how it is hero you can go out with whatever one of my spouses you wish after you help us it's free rain just go out with someone yo dude i told her that it wasn't her it was me and that i was okay
Starting point is 00:33:21 to go out there but i blamed it on terry Terry saying Terry didn't want to open up the marriage. So you kind of just ruined my whole way to get out. So you really pitted the women against each other. That was your plan. I just didn't know how to tell my wife. Do you know what happens to a body in space? Yeah, dude. That's why I'm trying to get us.
Starting point is 00:33:41 No, you're right. I got caught. Look, man. Hero, I'm sorry. I'm not interested. That was a really shitty thing I just did. And normal. I'm not to get us. Hmm. No, you're right. I got caught. Look, man. Hero. I'm sorry. I'm not interested. It was a really shitty thing I just did. And normal. I'm not interested in either.
Starting point is 00:33:50 It does feel like, man, one person was hard, but it does. I do realize that in this situation, I have not taken in account your feelings as much as some of my other spouses. And I apologize. And you're right. Survival is the most important thing. This is why polyamory doesn't work. And whatever my feelings are about Hermie, he's my husband.
Starting point is 00:34:10 And we need to get him back from space. But I don't know how to do that. That hating game part. This is just a crowded market right now. Look, I knew when I married you that Hermie was part of the package. He matters to you, so he matters to me. So let's get him. Well, I mean, it's going to be fine.
Starting point is 00:34:25 We're going to all be back there in like a second. Oh my God, I can't wait until we're all back together. Okay. Does Hermie appear? Maybe if we wait 12 hours, Hermie will appear. We should probably take that chance. We'll just continue the work he did. I like to roll to try and understand.
Starting point is 00:34:38 Yes, I'm going to try to understand Hermie's. I figured it out. I know I'm not the one to usually figure it out, but I think I figured it out. The way the time not the one to usually figure it out, but I think I figured it out. The way the time thing works. If we can get into something that will bring us to Earth without killing us, we all get inside that thing and then say we're no longer married, and then that will speed up the way we go into space.
Starting point is 00:34:57 We don't have to wait 24 hours. We can just all divorce. Hero says, no, no, no. And she's carrying a heavier load on her back now, having been dumped by the two men that she liked. And she says, you have to have something on your body in order to take it back to the other realm, yes? You can't just be inside
Starting point is 00:35:13 of a thing, because otherwise you'll pop out and the thing won't go with you. That'd be like if this building came with you when you popped back to the other dimension. We saw that didn't happen. Well, it counts as honest. If we were, like, strapped into a space shuttle, would that go with us? I don't know. You want to find out? That's part of science is doing experiments and testing. Okay.
Starting point is 00:35:28 So if you want to try to strap yourself to something, see if that works. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Oh, now. Hey, buddy, what? I just said I didn't mean to interrupt. You didn't mean to interrupt my idea? I didn't have an idea. Oh.
Starting point is 00:35:38 I just wanted to let you know your idea was bad. Well, what was Hermes' idea? What should I roll to look at Hermes' stuff? I feel like Arcana. Arcana. Hey, this is an easy one. Four investigation, either one. Three plus two? What should I roll to look at Hermes' stuff? I feel like Arcana. Arcana. This is an easy one. Or Investigation, either one. Three plus two, five.
Starting point is 00:35:48 I got an 11. I'm going to add some anime girls to this. Normal, it felt like you were about to get it, and then immediately Taylor started drawing anime girls over the parts. And it's gone. You have no idea what he was working on. Let me look at this and really try to put my mindset in Hermes' mind, because that's kind of what a marriage is about. It's an
Starting point is 00:36:06 experiment in and of itself. You know, some things work and some things don't. Let's see. Let me roll. Fuck a nine. Okay. So you don't have an idea. You continue to not have a very good idea about how to handle this. Hero, what do you think about this? You're the smart one, the intern. Well, I mean, we have 24 hours left. I can't believe we wasted an entire day. I'm sorry, keep going. We have 24 hours left. No day is wasted when you're married to the ones you love.
Starting point is 00:36:34 God. I feel like you can either do some experiments, it'll burn some time, and one of you will basically disappear for 12 hours, but we'll be able to learn something about the way that the teleportation works. Or we can just plan for sort of a best case scenario, like presuming that you can get through in a spacesuit
Starting point is 00:36:51 and that the spacesuit doesn't leave your body. And assuming we can thermally insulate that spacesuit so you don't burn up in the atmosphere, then we have to find a way to fireproof a parachute, I guess, and then put that on the spacesuit. Well, so actually, technically, the burning up happens as a result of friction as you enter the atmosphere.
Starting point is 00:37:10 The parachute itself has a slow enough rate of descent you actually don't encounter the burning up. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Yeah. All we need is a good moisturizer. So it sounds like you just need some... We just need a way to slow ourselves down really, really a lot. And also breathe during the whole time. Because that's the problem. It's a balance, guys. either can go down really fast but it's hot or you go
Starting point is 00:37:28 down real slow but you can't breathe right i think um yeah we need to find a balance i'm loving this energy i'm loving that we're all working together i'm gonna start writing stuff on the big board over here go ahead and i write space you erase all of this i accidentally erase her music well we didn't know what that meant anyways and i I write, go slow, question mark, go hot, question mark. Yes. Fast, and I underline it. It's all right, what do we think? You underline, and then another question mark.
Starting point is 00:37:52 And question mark, underline. All right, we're making great progress. What's an experiment we could do to see which one of these is better? So I'll just say, I'll just say, I would volunteer to be shot into space so that i could say hi to her me um and i could get out of this horrible marriage so i could divorce you guys i like you guys more as friends than as married people i was you know i agree i'm just saying
Starting point is 00:38:18 that like it's just a really you just have to look inwards if like that's your conclusion that quickly like you you barely put any work into this marriage to already feel that way, dude. Man, sorry, man. I'm sorry. I should work on that. I should work on my feelings. We'll do that. That is so brave of you.
Starting point is 00:38:36 Thank you, I guess. Let's make some conjectures really quick. We are not here naked, right? Our clothes came with us, right? Our clothes are coming with us. So here's my theory. Like you were saying, Taylor, what if I strap myself in to some sort of spaceship,
Starting point is 00:38:51 and then that's like my clothes, and then we have a quickie divorce, and... The problem is you can't wear those kinds of clothes on top of your clothes. You'll have to be in that spaceship naked. But wait, am I wearing a jacket? How many layers of clothes can I wear when I'm... All your layers came with you.
Starting point is 00:39:04 Okay, well, as you can see, I'm wearing this cool denim jacket I got from the Best Moat Post. Oh, damn, it's in a lot of things. It's in a lot. For an experiment, I have one idea. And if it doesn't work, it'll just take like a couple minutes. Can I try something? Yeah, of course. Sure.
Starting point is 00:39:18 I believe in you. I'm sorry I said our marriage is horrible, guys. I've just been under a lot of pressure at work lately. I just want to thank you for being honest. Oh of caught me off guard and i'm just being honest right now too yeah it caught me off guard that you weren't happy in it because i thought you were oh my god and look i realized that like it's not fair because i've already been through this and it's not fair for me to expect that you guys have the same understanding of marriage and like one of the things i learned is that sometimes the first drop on the roller coaster is the scariest but then after that it's just a fun ride so like this energy is maybe the
Starting point is 00:39:52 hardest but look here or the honeymoon phase they say the hardest part of a marriage right so here let me try this like one of chris's favorite movies was apollo 13 and if there's anything i know is that space nerds love a good puzzle. So let me just try this. If you guys don't mind. Yeah, go ahead. I just want to walk into like a room where all the smartest people are. And I have a picture of Hermie and like all the stuff he's wearing. I just throw it on the table.
Starting point is 00:40:15 I was like, listen here, guys. Listen here. We got a problem. We got a kid in space and four kids are about to be in a space. And all you got to work with is what's on this table and everything in this building you got 12 hours to figure it out got it roll persuasion just like that scene you know ed harris yeah i referenced it earlier but i did a bad job of doing it now really quick now really quick can you get a bonus because he has such a head of steam from being married uh no that's the dumbest thing you've ever said. Just because you hate that institution,
Starting point is 00:40:46 Anthony. I've been married more than anyone in this room. I love that institution. Can I propose one action that I do to maybe give me advantage? After I say that, I take a big sip of coffee from a World's Best Ad Bud and I go, I'll be right back, but I gotta call my wife. And I step out
Starting point is 00:41:02 of the building. Holy shit! Alright. Alright, roll your second dice, you sack of shit. I gotta call my wife. And I step out of the building. Holy shit! All right. All right, roll your second dice, you sack of shit. God damn it, I got a seven and a ten. So they go, get out. It's like, that's my mug. Give it back. What's in here, dude?
Starting point is 00:41:19 You're drinking at work. This guy's drinking at work. You assholes. Kids are gonna die because of you as i say it's the security drag you out in the quiet of that awkward silence he's looking down his way he's like i i'm the world's best dude sorry guys the nerds here don't want to help i guess you back into the kids corner of the jpl all right here we're stuck with you there's like a fake like little lunar blander that we've been working on yeah like we've just been hanging out by
Starting point is 00:41:44 it's basically exactly like the kids area and like a dentist reception area. In a mall. Yeah. It's got the thing with the like the metal wires and the beads that you just like. Dude, have you ever beat that game? Yeah, I fucking New Game Plus that game. Dude is so fucking good at that game. All right.
Starting point is 00:41:58 So what are you going to do? I don't know. That was my only answer. I know less about space than I do about marriage. Okay. So hot. Hot and fast. Or slow and cold.
Starting point is 00:42:08 All we have is just hot and cold. Okay, but here's the thing. Let's choose one. Let's choose one. There's got to be something here at JPL. A place that my brother told me would get nuked first. There must be something here in Portage that can keep us from burning up in space. Is it here or something? Anything that can keep us from burning up in space? Is it a hero?
Starting point is 00:42:27 Something. Anything that can keep us from burning up. Yeah, experimental technologies. Come on, hero. You gotta help us. Sure. So I feel like you can roll
Starting point is 00:42:34 investigation. Oh, yeah. There's rules to this game. I won't roll investigate. I, too, roll investigation. Natural one. Terry wipes her tears from her face
Starting point is 00:42:42 and rolls investigation. Natural one plus five. Natural one. So that's gonna undo Natural one plus five. Natural one? So that's going to undo somebody else's roll. A 15? Okay, 15's good. I rolled a 10. I have a thing.
Starting point is 00:42:52 I have an idea. Assuming we can find a craft, I have an idea. Taylor is so bad at looking around that he manages to immediately distract Link. The second Link finds something really good. He's just telling a really long, boring story about perpetual soup or something. He's summarizing B berserk to you and you get so distracted and bored perpetual soup the taylor wouldn't do that taylor would talk about knives and then different types
Starting point is 00:43:13 of steel can have different potential like hardnesses and like fucking sharpnesses and terry finds a prototype craft of some sort that will be expressed in more detail once you go through your plan wow terry look at that thing. You did a great job finding that. Oh, thank you. That means so much to me. Yeah, good job. Are we just like in a different floor or is it like the parking garage? Yeah, you're in the floor of shitty thrown away prototypes that didn't work and nobody wants to invest any money to. But I think that even stuff that's been cast aside that nobody wants has some value. Wow. That's great. You know? And we feel like just you have value no matter what, you know, side of the street you're on in terms of what version of scary we're getting
Starting point is 00:43:52 today. What side of the street you're on? That feels like how my boomer grandmother refers to bisexual people. What side of the street you're on? Some people walk on either side of the street. Some people cross the street when they see other types of people on the same side they're on. And some people drive. I think, Terry, I think I have an idea.
Starting point is 00:44:12 I think I know how to do this. Well, let's hear it. Okay. Is anyone else here? They're not here, right? No, we're all still here. Everyone gather around. I think I got it.
Starting point is 00:44:19 Guys, I was thinking about all the spells I know. Oh, God. And I have a spell. Hear me out. Called Meld Into Stone. Here, called Meld Into Stone. Here's how Meld Into Stone works. You step into a stone object or surface large enough to fully contain your body, melding yourself and all the equipment you carry with the stone for the duration.
Starting point is 00:44:37 Whoa! Using your movement, you step into a point you can touch, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, while merged with the stone. You can't see what is outside, yada, yada, yada. However, I would say if normal while merged with the stone you can't see what is outside yada yada yada however i would say if normal has merged with the spaceship then i would get transported with the spaceship and then all of the people who are married to me inside the spaceship would get teleported together oh my god because it's like we're married to the spaceship too we're all on spaceship marriage sorry sorry question question question so it turns it into a rock or can you only know what i would be arguing is that the metal that this thing is made out of qualifies We're all on spaceship marriage. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Question, question, question. So it turns into a rock, or can you only merge with rocks?
Starting point is 00:45:05 No, what I would be arguing is that the metal that this thing is made out of qualifies as a type of stone. Okay, so I'm going to go ahead. And so then I'm merging with the spaceship. But can you merge with rocks? Yeah, I can merge with rocks, too. Damn. But, like, why not merge? Why don't we go find a cave, and we'll just be in a big rock cave?
Starting point is 00:45:21 Because meteors famously don't stay good what are you talking about it's like we'd rather be in a spaceship we could fly to land safely on earth than a meteor that's gonna fall into the earth and kill it i know what anthony is looking so wild that normal has a spell that henry would like jizz over yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. One with rocks? He's looking at the classification of materials and metals is a distinct... Yeah, sure, metal is not considered rock. Metal and rock... A stone is a general term that can refer to any solid substance that's made from minerals and a metal is a type of mineral.
Starting point is 00:45:56 Now, if you connected the rock onto the... Yeah, use that Zelda fucking logic. If we taped rock normal onto... Like the fucking gear shift. You know, like how some people have a cool skull on their like shift, you know, whatever.
Starting point is 00:46:08 Oh, so you're saying you turn me into a stone and then make you part of the space shuttle. And then that rules put me into the space shuttle. And then it's like, what is the space shuttle? Is there a way I could just say we get space suits and then make you make me roll for something.
Starting point is 00:46:22 That's how this game works, right? That's what everybody wants us to do. A real smart DM. Just, he just lets his players come up with a solution and says yes that's what i thought along come up with a solution and he's like no stone i'm sorry i'm saying there's other stones in the world you could just like find some stone that's big enough to put your body into it would be hurling a big rock yes we'll survive the orbit but then we'll hit the ground at 100 miles per hour and shatter and explode and also destroy whatever. But if we treat it like
Starting point is 00:46:48 the egg from my 6th grade experiment and we surround it by like soft things that will like push in the fall, maybe we'll be okay. Yes, like the egg drop. We can surround this rock with other stuff. I will say this. Minor physical damage to the stone doesn't harm you, but it's partial
Starting point is 00:47:04 destruction or a change in its shape deals 66 bludgeoning damage. Okay, I get it. Okay, it hurts you. I can eat 66. I can eat 66. I can eat 66. The stone's complete destruction
Starting point is 00:47:12 or transmutation to a different substance expels you and deals 50 bludgeoning damage. Can we all tank? Oh, wait, so I could just crash into the earth and then I would just pop out like normal. I only take 50 bludgeoning damage. I could survive 50 bludgeoning damage. Okay, that sounds like a plan.
Starting point is 00:47:24 Hero, can you take us to where they have all the big space rocks in jpl we don't keep space rocks definitely i'm pretty sure that place that steady space would have like some moon rocks we do have some moon rocks they're not man-sized oh i know what we can do matt here knowing jpl let's just walk outside because jpl is on the mountain and walking that's what i was waiting for yes there's a lot of big boulders outside let's just go version one JPL is on a mountain and walking. That's what I was waiting for. Yes. There's a lot of big boulders outside. Let's just go. Here's a question. If we do this,
Starting point is 00:47:49 if we're in the wrong, I can't believe I'm doing this. No link. Wait, if we're in the wrong type of rock, like a meteor is made out of like really hard rock. That'll fall all the way to earth. But if we're in the wrong type of rock,
Starting point is 00:48:00 then it could burn up in the atmosphere and then I'll get expelled. And we'll all get expelled like three miles up in the air and then we'll fall to our deaths. So I saw this movie. It was too scary for me to finish all the way through, but it was called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If we just got like a crystal skull rock, because that's a type of rock, there's like aliens in that movie. And so they've been to space. And so if we did that, that movie. And so they've been to space. And so if we did that, then like everything would be totally fine. Terry, I love the energy and I love the brainstorming, but as your husband, I just got to be honest that I don't think crystal skull rocks are real. I think that was a movie. I think they're real. Crystal skulls are real. They're like made of crystal. Yeah. I'm on Wikipedia.
Starting point is 00:48:44 Right. Yeah. They're real. They're real. Yeah. I'm on Wikipedia right now. Yeah, they're real. They're real? Yeah, I'm on Wikipedia. You guys have crystal skulls here? No, we don't have crystals. I'm just saying they're real. Oh. We're near Hollywood, though, and that's where they're made. We do have the Dan Aykroyd crystal skulls.
Starting point is 00:48:54 I was going to say the Dan Aykroyd tequila. Yeah, there's definitely a lot of crystal skull souvenir shops. Actually, there's one in Nevada, or what we know of as Nevada, because they have all the alien memorabilia. I'm Googling it now. There's a crystal skull shop there. The rock doesn't even be
Starting point is 00:49:09 big enough to hold. Wow, they are real. Wow, Terry, I owe you an apology. That is real. I'm sorry. That's okay. It still might not be a good idea. Yeah, well, we'll see.
Starting point is 00:49:16 If we give you, normal, a bunch of spacesuits and parachute packs and you hold them in your arms and then you walk into a rock, you'll turn into a rock. We'll be in space. Then you'll be a rock. You'll turn into a rock. We'll be in space. Then you'll be a rock. But you'll have all the stuff you're carrying. And then you
Starting point is 00:49:29 unturn into a rock. Give us all our space suits and then we'll float gently to the ground. Okay. We just need the exact suit that the Red Bull guy did and I know that they love that guy here because they know I'm- We need five Red Bull suits. That's what you're saying. Yeah. Okay. With parachutes and oxygen. What about like those inflatable Orbeez balls?
Starting point is 00:49:46 You know what I mean? Yeah. Like we can either slow our descent and we can also be in a giant hamster ball that's, you know, deflated. Now here's the thing about something that's deflated. There's no air in it. But as you fall, air is blowing by you. You're filling it up with air through the power of force and gravity.
Starting point is 00:50:00 Okay. Here's the plan. I'm going to turn into a rock. And you're going to carry the apparatus that will save our lives okay five oxygen six oxygen tanks okay a deflated giant ball this is the best i got i'm so sorry a space shuttle would survive re-entry right yes yes so the problem is we don't think you can merge into a space shuttle is that right honey no it sounds like no man it sounds like that's not...
Starting point is 00:50:29 No, you know, I was really hoping I could, but then I ran really fast at this metal vending machine and I bounced right off of it. So I don't think it works unless it's like an actual stone. Hey, heroes. Yeah, heroes summarizing goes, so it sounds like the best plan you've got is we're going to go outside, we're going to find a boulder,
Starting point is 00:50:42 which shouldn't be hard, we're in Pasadena. You're going to have normal walk into the boulder holding six oxygen tanks and a very large bouncy ball or something else. I'm just spitballing. Maybe something else. Maybe something less stupid. So if he carries something into the rock, it counts. Yes, because
Starting point is 00:50:57 he's bonding with the rock. It brings in any equipment that you're holding. Okay, so can you just grab onto the wheel of a space shuttle? What's the size that matters? He's holding onto the wheel of a space shuttle? What's the size that matters? He's holding onto the wheel of the space shuttle, and then we roll a boulder to him, and he blends into the boulder. Does he take the space shuttle? Let's find out! Let's do some science! Cut to outside.
Starting point is 00:51:14 You guys are standing at the top of a very tall mountain with a boulder. I'm standing next to a space shuttle holding my hand on it, and I'm like, alright, let's go! Let's do it! Whoa, whoa! The fuck, whoa? No, I feel like I There's a space's go. Let's do it. Whoa, whoa, the fuck whoa. No, I feel like I... There's a space shuttle just outside. We go outside and we get a...
Starting point is 00:51:29 Get a car. It doesn't matter how big the boulder is now because now we're just using it to transport stuff. All right, yes. I just go get a big boulder outside. Okay, you find one. Cool. You don't have to roll for that.
Starting point is 00:51:36 I pick it up. I'm strong. That way you wouldn't have to roll more. But I'm going to say that with all the stuff that you found in JPL, you probably find at the very least a fucking forklift or something that can help you with that. I don't feel like it's interesting to roll for that stuff.
Starting point is 00:51:47 Okay. So you can roll a boulder down a hill at normal. Normal, do you have a, are you like holding onto a steering wheel of a car? There's a car in the parking lot that says number one dad on the back of it. And like it smells of whiskey. It smells of whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's reeking.
Starting point is 00:52:06 Reeking of alcohol. Several pairs of panties on the inside. Oh my of whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's reeking. It's reeking of alcohol. Several pairs of panties on the inside. Oh, my God. This guy's red as hell. He's got fucking rules. He's the number one dad. I'm smashing McConaughey over here. I've broken open the window, and I'm holding on the steering wheel,
Starting point is 00:52:16 and I already said, all right, lay it on me. Let's see. Oh, you've broken it with ninja rocks. No, you peel back the duct tape on the already broken window. Okay, so I feel like we're just going to leave this up to luck. So go ahead and roll me a D20. One through 10,
Starting point is 00:52:29 it's not going to work and you're only going to take the steering wheel and if you get an 11 through 20, it's going to work and you're going to take the whole thing. Normal before you do... Oh.
Starting point is 00:52:35 What did you say? Too late. Sometimes you don't get a chance to say the things you want to say to the person you love before they do something stupid. So it's too late. Blake doesn't get to say anything.
Starting point is 00:52:43 What happened? I got a four. Okay. So with a four, yeah a four yeah you see the boulder obliterate the car and then normal comes out the other side with a steering wheel i said damn yeah and we do the gag and then the guy walks out and he's just yeah it stops oh it's like a street fight he goes like my car yeah and look i say, call your kid. Because I do. I'm the number one dad. I talk to my kid every day. His mom is the one who doesn't want me to talk to him.
Starting point is 00:53:13 Yeah, I have a complicated home life. Oh, I'm sorry. I should have gotten involved. Yeah, you don't fucking assume things about people. OK, but I could just advise from one dad to another. You're not a dad. How do you know about my life, dude? Oh, that's a good one. Oh, you got me.
Starting point is 00:53:23 Shit. Oh, and he goes to Earth. He doesn't go to Earth. I'm joking. Look look all i want to say is your problems are not as hidden as you think they are okay people are seeing people are seeing what's up dude people are talking there are other people other scientists like having lunch outside they're like like nodding to themselves and he goes oh geez now's the time to fix yourself do you know anything about how get into space the problem is every every new NPC we ask is just Anthony again. Who also doesn't have any idea how to get out of space. I tried to get all the NPCs to help us, but they didn't buy my Ed Harris impression.
Starting point is 00:53:55 So it didn't work. I mean, you're definitely not going to get this guy on your side if you destroy his fucking car and then told him he was a bad person. Hey, I didn't mean to judge. I still think you have a wonderful judge i i've had a problem too yeah i say to him he goes i he just goes back inside and you want commiserate he takes a flask out of his fucking hip pocket how much time has passed while we've been dicking around doing this i would say probably two hours so you got you know 22 walk outside nice is there anything terry what do you think terry terry we're all feeling really down we could really use your ray of sunshine
Starting point is 00:54:24 right now did i hear get sponsored by Red Bull? I kind of like get sponsored by Red Bull. I like that. Were we filming this experiment for posterity? If you wanted to, sure. Okay. The normal's like, wait a second. Wait a second, Taylor.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Yeah. You know what you're saying? There's the Red Bull guy, right? Ah, Felix. That Red Bull sponsors extreme stunts all the time. Yeah. So what if we take this footage we just got of me getting creamed by a boulder
Starting point is 00:54:46 getting creamed by a boulder and I merged into it and came out the other side with a steering wheel. What if we put that online and it goes crazy viral because we put it on, you know,
Starting point is 00:54:53 Fark.com and E-Bombs World. Fark comes back, yeah. And we tell E-Bomb from E-Bombs World to blast it out to everybody on his newsletter and then we...
Starting point is 00:55:01 Wait, even better, what if my mom just tweets it? Yeah, your mom can tweet it and then we'll tweet at Red Bull to be like, can you guys sponsor us for an even crazier space stunt and we can get five of those suits and uh we can go back to earth wait you did great honey but like what if red bull isn't impressed with the rest of us well then we'll go to monster when they're desperate but they don't have space well or you could each do a different stunt we could it all apply as a group oh that's true yeah why don't you guys hear, or you could each do a different stunt. We could. And all apply as a group.
Starting point is 00:55:25 Oh, that's true. Yeah, why don't you guys- Sorry, Hiro says, or you could each do a different stunt and all apply as a group. Wow, that's great. What stunt are you going to do, Hiro? I'm not going with you.
Starting point is 00:55:33 I don't like doing that stuff. I don't want to have fun or adventures or any of that kind of crap. I just want to hang out and be me. Wow. You really rubbed up on her. No, I always wanted to do that. That's why I'm not doing the chosen one bullshit.
Starting point is 00:55:44 But I'm glad you're picking up the slack on that one, Norm. Yeah, we should sidebar about that. Maybe while everyone else is doing their rad stunts. Put the pin on that. All right, well, my stunt is easy. Someone get me like three pallets of water bottles. Cut to the video. Heh.
Starting point is 00:56:04 What? I got Taylor. Taylor's cut his, like, fedora down. He's, like, kind of, like, tilting his head down so he can't really see his eyes. And he goes, heh, many have tested my blade, but few have survived. Then die, which is what Gutt says in Berserk. Draws his blade. My sword turns into the Berserk sword, which is this giant sword.
Starting point is 00:56:24 And slices through a whole pile of water bottles, dude. Okay. This is a Red Bull executive is sitting at one of the hottest clubs in fucking Hollywood showing Ryan Reynolds how to pour Red Bull into vodka. They're like, you know what, niche audience, we need a hit. We need to hit the fucking anime nerds. That's the next venture we're going for. Not enough uncool people are drinking our product.
Starting point is 00:56:45 Nine plus one, ten. Okay, so you did okay. So we're going for. Not enough uncool people are drinking our product. Nine plus one, ten. Okay, so you did okay. So we're going to see how everybody does as an average. I feel like Norms automatically wins because it's an insane thing to see on us. That was what it says. You're trying to do a rock. It's pretty good. It doesn't look like it.
Starting point is 00:56:56 It looks like he just tanked a rock. Yeah, it looks like he just took it. Lincoln looks at the camera. He's like, hey, my name is Lincoln Lee Wilson, and I just woke up. Say the whole name. This is not your name anymore. Oh, my name is Lincoln Lee Wilson and I just woke up. Say the whole name. This is not your name anymore. Oh, my name is Lincoln. Don't worry about my last name.
Starting point is 00:57:12 Cut to the guy's Red Bull. Whoa, this guy's fucking cool. This guy's cool now. And I go, I've never found an energy drink extreme enough for me. I'm not tired at all. Check this out. And I proceed to drink like 20 Red Bulls. Oh my god. Roll constitution. Oh, but it's a camera. And I proceed to drink like 20 Red Bulls. Oh my God. Roll constitution.
Starting point is 00:57:26 Oh, but it's a camera. There's nothing in there. It's just water. So you're like an actor on fucking NCIS with an empty coffee cup. And I go, that's the 20 Red Bulls. Clinically, I should be dead. But you know what? You guys have magic spells and you're giving me, I pretend to drink 20 Red Bulls?
Starting point is 00:57:42 Are you fucking kidding me? These drinks don't do anything for me. I'm going to go to sleep now. And I proceed to drink 20 Red Bulls? Are you fucking kidding me? These drinks don't do anything for me. I'm going to go to sleep now. And I proceed to fall asleep. Nice. Wake me up when this energy drink is extreme enough for me. Not only... Lincoln, no last name.
Starting point is 00:57:56 And I close my eyes and I go to sleep. Not only did you not do anything cool, you actively assaulted Red Bull. Yes. Which is the coolest thing you can do dude roll with disadvantage what roll with disadvantage if Freddy says I get disadvantage
Starting point is 00:58:11 Freddy didn't get disadvantage because he at least tried a stunt and did an amazing thing with the preserve I love the idea you drank nothing and then you went to sleep you did what my grandma does on a daily basis I deserve disadvantage I'm okay with You know what? I deserve disadvantage. I'm okay with that.
Starting point is 00:58:26 Yes. What am I rolling for, though? Just roll two D20. Oh, I don't get any pluses? No. What's the skill for not drinking? I still have skills. Deception.
Starting point is 00:58:36 Yeah, and you use none of them. In terms of drinking, nothing is leaving. Deception. Deception. Deception. All right. We're going to play by the rules here. Damn it.
Starting point is 00:58:49 I love the idea that I get plus zero on deception. Great. I love this long journey we took. First roll is a 16. All right. Well, too bad. What's the next one? An eight.
Starting point is 00:59:00 Yeah, it's an eight. So they go like, oh, this guy's not as cool as his intro. Fuck. That guy sucks. He's even worse than the water bottle kid. Scary for the love of God. We're going to die in space if this doesn't work. Terry, what is yours? So you see on screen at Red Bull headquarters,
Starting point is 00:59:14 Hi, my name's Terry, and I just accepted the ice bucket challenge. Wait, Terry, Terry, do something with soccer, though. I am standing on a soccer ball while somebody pours. Oh, it's going to be so cold. Pours this ice over my head. Let's see. Who do I challenge next? I guess because my husband, Normal, has done the best at these kind of like off-roading things,
Starting point is 00:59:48 I challenge my husband Normal, I will not be donating. But then I also do like a backflip. Okay, give me a roll with disadvantage. Okay. Disadvantage? Yeah. 16. Okay.
Starting point is 01:00:04 You can do it. 12. Alright, with a 12 they go damn she did all that bouncing on a board on a ball. Yeah, she's bouncing on a ball the entire time. Yeah, so she gets dunked with fucking ice water and still manages to maintain her chill while she's bouncing on a single ball. You know what we should do? We should send her a space suit. This is the worst idea
Starting point is 01:00:19 we've ever come up with. We should see if she wants to do something a little bit more extreme than staying on a soccer ball getting hit with cold water. What if she wanted to go to space? You know what's even colder than ice water is the vacuum of space. I wish I could go there. I mean, there's not one executive who's like,
Starting point is 01:00:36 that kid thinks he can sleep on my energy drink. We'll wake him up. We'll shoot this motherfucker into space. And then we'll see if my energy drink's too extreme for him. You rolled an eight, so there's exactly one executive who feels that way. And he got fucking outvoted by the board. You didn't have the votes, Kendall. You never did.
Starting point is 01:00:54 He says, I was challenged with the ice bucket challenge. Can I try one last thing to save this video? Sure. All right. So, cuts to normal. And I'm like, hi, thanks to my wife, Terry, for sending me this really funny ice bucket challenge. Jerry, these kids are married. I'm going to go ahead. I'm going this really funny ice bucket challenge these kids married i'm gonna go ahead i'm gonna do the ice bucket challenge and uh my friend link here is going to take this bucket of water and he's going to jump over me and slam the bucket of water down on my head as hard as he
Starting point is 01:01:16 can i and i'm like i give you the thumbs up because i've got a cool plan here i look into my husband's eyes and i say trust me this one last time trust me trust you hold up my camera phone and say i'll be back baby and i say we're not married anymore and i take a video of her me and i go we're still married we're so married i come back i go this time is we go into space with no space suit and and hold it up the red bull okay that's the coolest son in the world herbie's in space with no space suit okay okay and i told her me to make the red bull sign in space sorry back up hold on how did you do that sorry what the fuck is the red bull the way you don't play with me Herbie's doing the cool stunt of all, which is he's floating in space with those
Starting point is 01:02:06 spacesuits. Without a spacesuit. That's true. Okay. All right. So you come back 12 hours later. So now we still have 12 hours.
Starting point is 01:02:12 So now you have 12 hours for Red Bull corporate to decide these kids are fucking cool. Let's send them. Hold on. We need to end the video. I didn't mean to interrupt
Starting point is 01:02:19 if your idea was better than Herbie going into space. No, I mean, it's pretty rowdy. I was just going to, I have control water, so I was going to turn the water into a jet pack and shoot you up into the
Starting point is 01:02:26 air with it. Then the second I start doing that, you divorce me and disappear. And then the book just fall. So from Red Bull's perspective, what the fuck is this? From Red Bull's perspective, you come up to slam dunk me with a bucket,
Starting point is 01:02:37 bucket of water and then vanish. And then the water hits me in the head. And then you come back. And there's a video of me and her being in space doing like selfies with like cool, like fucking surfing signs, like pointing. Surfing signs. hits me in the head and then you come back. And there's a video of me and her being spaced doing selfies with cool fucking surfing signs pointing. Surfing signs! That's so fucking cool.
Starting point is 01:02:54 Andy, we do need to wrap up this video. A little conclusion at the end of it. So Taylor with his sword slung over his bag like, heh. So that's just a little bit of what you can expect from team... What's that team name, guys? Stunt teens. From team stunt teens.
Starting point is 01:03:08 I feel like the video is the three of us. So that's what you can expect from all three. Or wait, and then normal snaps, and then Link fucking pops back in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All four of us. We timed it so that Link looks like he teleports in. So if you want to hit us up, our DMs are open. We need five,
Starting point is 01:03:25 six, six, six spacesuits. Red Bull spacesuits and parachutes in the next eight hours. Or we will die. We will be fucking dead. The blood will be on your hands,
Starting point is 01:03:36 Red Bull. That's right, Red Bull. We will die and the blood will be on your hands. Click. Call my mom. Hey Siri, call my mom. Calling mom.
Starting point is 01:03:45 Hey hon. Hey mom, I need you to like retweet the thing I tweeted. Oh my mom. Hey Siri, call my mom. Calling mom. Hey hon. Hey mom, I need you to like retweet the thing I tweeted. Oh, always. You know I retweet everything you tweet.
Starting point is 01:03:50 And like also retweet it and like do it on a schedule and also put a comment on it so that the search engine engagement goes up higher. You gotta tag Red Bull. You gotta tag Red Bull and any of your contacts
Starting point is 01:03:58 at Red Bull. Okay, I'm gonna tag it. I did just book another gig so it's gonna be kind of pushed. I've got a schedule I do need this
Starting point is 01:04:04 like right now mom. Alright, alright, just send me the tweet. Mom, please. Yes, I'll be kind of pushed. I've got to schedule a tweet. I do need this, like, right now, Mom. All right. All right. Just send me the tweet. Mom, please. Yes, I'll send me the tweet. I've already sent it to you. I've already added you, like, four times.
Starting point is 01:04:11 I'll tag all my favorite voice actors, too, so they can hashtag spread the word. Yes. Thank you, Mom. Kisses. I'm like, kisses. I love you. Love you, too. I love you.
Starting point is 01:04:19 Love you, too. All right, bye. Bye, Mom. Do we call her Mom now? Oh, yeah. All right, so she's gonna roll to see how viral it goes. 15. It goes pretty fucking viral.
Starting point is 01:04:30 It's trending. It's trending. Hashtag Team Stunts. Or what were you? Team Teen Stunts. Team Teen Stunts. It's actually Team Stunts Team. Team Stunts Team. Team Stunts Team is Team Stunts Team. No,unts Team is... No, no, no. Team Stunts Team.
Starting point is 01:04:47 No, no, no. T-E-N at the end. It's team like a team. That's even worse. What? Team Stunts Team? That makes no sense. I thought R-E-G was good.
Starting point is 01:04:55 I'm just telling you what it is. Team Stunts Teens. Team Stunts Teens. He didn't say an S. T-E-A-M. S-T-U-N-T-S. And the T-E-N-S. Okay, it is S.
Starting point is 01:05:08 Team Stunt Teens. All right, so Team Stunt Teens is trending worldwide. Also blood on hands. Also, Team Stunt Teens is also trending because nobody knows why the fuck he's saying it. Yeah, all the different variations of team and teen are all trending simultaneously. Somebody's already trying to cancel normal. There's something they didn't like. What did I do?
Starting point is 01:05:27 There's something they didn't like about the way you took that ice bucket challenge. Rock dad. Rock dad over here. Rock dad. Wow. It's simple. All the tools are right there. Figure it out.
Starting point is 01:05:39 Oh, no. Am I beaned at this episode? Okay, so your phone rings. You get a contact from Red Bull Corporate, and they say, Hey, we saw your Team Stunt Teens video. Say it right. Team Stunt Teens, I'm so sorry. And, yeah, we definitely want to sponsor you to do a stunt.
Starting point is 01:05:56 What did you have in mind? Sixteens just dropping from space. Sixteens dropping from space. With your brand all over us. Chugging your beverage. And this time, it does wake me up. Because I know you saw that video where... Unfortunately, yeah, that was the worst part of the video.
Starting point is 01:06:09 We fast-forwarded through that several times. And get this, they're married. Wait, hold on. Oh, sorry, you kids are married? No, that's like a cool thing Gen Z says now. We can't have that kind of talk. No, we're not married. You just said we're not married.
Starting point is 01:06:20 Boop! Wait a minute! Not in my heart, though! Okay, we're not married. Boop. Wait, wait, wait. Not in my heart, though. Okay, we done. So he's just gone. He's just gone. He can't even come back 12 hours later, because then you guys will be there.
Starting point is 01:06:34 Oh, just me? Just Link is gone. I hug Hermie in a brace as we slowly spiral towards our own death. Oh, you guys share some oxygen with Hermie, too, so. It doesn't work that way. We just hold each other and look at each other. We would like. Oh, you guys share some auction with Hermie, too, so. It doesn't work that way. We just hold each other and look at each other. We would like. Yes, we have some asks. Our social media manager,
Starting point is 01:06:49 Terry Marlow here, will convey those over to you. Because I'm too cool to ask for it myself. All right. Terry, what do you want? I want six space suits. We only need five. Red Bull space suits that give you wings.
Starting point is 01:07:06 Parachutes. With parachutes. Okay. And. Oxygen tanks. And oxygen tanks. Yeah, we could absolutely do that. We just had somebody try a similar stunt that they canceled on us.
Starting point is 01:07:15 So we just have all that stuff lying around. So, yeah, we can drive that out to you. And I want my dad to come home. Oh, Terry. Well, I don't know about that last part. We can look into it. Okay, you do that. I have to go Honda for that.
Starting point is 01:07:32 That's a helpful Honda people. That's really more of a helpful Honda people task. Oh, okay. Jake from State Farm could have your back on that one. Okay, so yeah, they send out the Red Bull mobile, which is a big old van with a Red Bull symbol on the side. They drive it out to JPL. And two hot girls. And two hot girls. They're twins.
Starting point is 01:07:47 They're twins. And they come out with a bunch of space suits and all the stuff that you ask for or whatever. And like a lot of iced Red Bulls. A lot of iced Red Bulls. Just passing them out. And you know what? What do those fucking nerds think now about these cool teens that got the Red Bull fucking car to show up? Yeah, pretty much everybody
Starting point is 01:08:04 in the JPL is looking through their windows and it's like, oh yeah. They're just like washing with so much envy. So yeah, you are all suited up.
Starting point is 01:08:12 You're ready to go. As I'm putting on my space suit, I look and I see Hero in the wings looking out the window. I'm like, hey guys, just give me one sec.
Starting point is 01:08:19 Put in a good word for me. Where are we at with that? Do you like her? Does we like her? I don't like her and I wink. um i give you a thumbs up got the message so i go over to hero hey do you have a second to talk uh yeah hey so first of all taylor doesn't like you he wanted me to say that like he was i don't like him so i didn't like him first so i win okay hey so i found out about the whole the chosen one thing huh yeah so so what what's the story there the chosen one thing, huh? Yeah. So, so what,
Starting point is 01:08:46 what was the story there? The story was that the first child of the ones who summoned the doodler was supposed to be the one to like bring balance back and like solve the whole doodler thing. And I just don't want to like, our parents seem really, really unhappy. They told me the whole story of everything that happened and it just seemed awful. And they'd be training me since I was a kid and just, they were training you? Yeah, I know how to shoot and do martial arts and all that kind of cool stuff. So when you would go off on the weekend when dad said he was taking you out to get ice cream,
Starting point is 01:09:11 and I was like, why can't I get ice cream? I was killing deer with my bare hands. Oh, wow. Okay. And I didn't like it. It's not fun for me. So I just didn't want to do it. So like, I guess it's on you now.
Starting point is 01:09:21 Okay. Like you can do it, right? Like, look, I know that you think that you're worthless. I know it right. Like, look, I know that you think that you're worthless. I know that you think that you suck. I know that you think you have nothing
Starting point is 01:09:28 to offer to the world and that you don't really have much of a personality outside of wanting people to love you. And I know you think that you're a worthless piece of shit,
Starting point is 01:09:35 but let me tell you. Okay. You're, what was I talking about? You said you thought, you know, okay, yeah,
Starting point is 01:09:42 yeah, no, you're fine. You're fine. Look, I think that being a hero is about a state of mind. And I think that you the way you've treated these kids around you, you kept them on task. You came up with, I would say, 75 percent of the plan that they then immediately jettisoned. But still, it was a good plan. I liked your plan with the
Starting point is 01:09:58 rock and everything. Thank you. And you know what? I think really, in some ways, you were the most adult of this group. So I think you have it within you to be the hero that I was meant to be, that I don't feel like being. And you're not just saying that because you don't want to do it. And you just want me to do it instead. Like when we had to do the dishes and you were like normal, you're so great at doing the dishes. I just feel like you got to do the thing that you're really good at.
Starting point is 01:10:17 You know, like when you would say that when we were kids, it's not like that, right? She puts an arm on your shoulder and says, things can be multiple things. Okay. Well, all right. Thanks. But I do believe in you. an arm on your shoulder and says things can be multiple things okay well all right thanks but i do believe in you i think honestly our parents and depending on how things worked out your dad or my dad kind of fucked up they're a pretty bad bunch of rubes but i think that you can fix the mistakes
Starting point is 01:10:37 they're weak our generation can fix what they did as long as you you know believe in yourself a little bit because you're actually not not as bad as you think you are you're you're cool in your own way well what about you though like if you weren't good enough to do it then what makes me good enough to do it like oh i'm good enough to do it i just really really don't want to okay because i might die like i get scared i got panic attacks i got freaked out every time they had me do anything revolving around combat and they showed me a glimpse of the doodler for a second and i cried for three weeks straight and like have you seen the doodler gives here a big hug and oh for three weeks straight. And like, have you seen the doodler? Normal just gives Hero a big hug. Oh, thank you. I'm sorry you went through that. No, I'm sorry. Things have been, you know,
Starting point is 01:11:08 I feel like things have been choppy between us for a while. And I just want to say, you know, I love you. And I know how hard this is because I've been doing it the last couple of weeks. So I guess I can understand that, you know, you doing it by yourself and not have anybody to talk to, that would be really tough. Maybe that's it. You know, you found something that I didn't, which is a support group to sort of help you with it. Mom and dad sort of looked at me as just like the golden child. They weren't like with me. They were like demanding things of me. You know, I felt like I shouldn't befriend you because I knew at some point, like I was going to have to like sacrifice myself heroically and I didn't want to make you lose me in that way. So I felt let's just keep him at arm's
Starting point is 01:11:38 length. But, you know, I missed you. I missed you, too. Yeah. If you ever do feel like saving the world, the spot's open. You know, I think we asked for an extra space suit for some reason. Yeah. I don't know how you did it. I don't want to marry you though.
Starting point is 01:11:51 Nick, my dad. That's right. There's another guy up there. Okay. So one last question I have, and then I'll leave you alone for now, you know,
Starting point is 01:11:58 because hopefully we still talk again in the future. If we don't die doing this. So the boy, I heard me, you know, her me, the boy I'm married to. Yeah. The Joker one. Yeah. So, you know, like I'm all about trying to help people. And I found out some pretty rowdy stuff about him and like, I don't know how to help him with it.
Starting point is 01:12:14 And I want him to know that I love him and I want him to know that he doesn't have to deal with that stuff alone, but I don't want to freak him out. I don't know. Like you're my older sister. Can you, is there anything like, I'm scared, I'm scared for him. I don't want to lose him, but you know, like I don't need to be with him for that to be okay. I just, I want him to be okay. And I don't know how to fix it. It's like, if you had a broken leg, he's like a broken leg in his heart. Do you know what I mean? And like, I don't know how to fix that. I don't know how to be there. It really kind of freaked me out. And I just want to know what you think. Well, I think you want to fix this kid. And it reminds me of when Lark and Sparrow and Mom wanted to sort of get me ready and fix me and get me all set up for saving the world and stuff like that.
Starting point is 01:12:52 And all they did was push me further and further away from what they wanted because they stifled me and they demanded things of me and they weren't thinking about what I wanted. So I guess my advice would be sort of to let him come to you, you know, let him know that you're there, but don't force it too much because then he'll maybe resent the fact that you did that. Obviously, I'm not very lucky in love either, as you can see by my choice in men. Yeah, I gotta say, I think you can do better than both of them. Yeah, I definitely know I can. It's just like, I'm just attracted to those bad boys, you know? And at that, Taylor saunters up with a thing of Pocky.
Starting point is 01:13:21 Offers it like, yeah, yeah. Don't take this as anything. I can't resist Pocky, obviously, but don't take this as, you know. Hey, no problem.
Starting point is 01:13:28 Did you see me do that cool water bottle thing with this one? I did. It was, it was nothing. It was nothing. It was less than that. Yeah,
Starting point is 01:13:35 whatever. It was, yeah, exactly. I could do that all day. Sorry, am I interrupting anything? Yeah,
Starting point is 01:13:41 I mean, you were, but it seems like the moment's over now. So, sis, it's been real, and thank you for your help today, and thank you for that stuff I said. I'm going to try to do anything? Yeah, I mean, you were, but it seems like the moment's over now. So, sis, it's been real, and thank you for your help today, and thank you for that stuff I said.
Starting point is 01:13:47 I'm going to try to do it. Yeah, and if you ever get into real bad trouble, just give me a call. I've got some skills I can use, I guess. Okay. I could maybe call you instead. No. We were pretty bad trouble right now.
Starting point is 01:13:58 She didn't do anything for us. That bad talking. I was right here. Yeah, you're not wrong. Normal gives Hiro a big hug and then tearfully walks up to the rest of the group. I'll just get your number from Normal. She does that in dry heaves.
Starting point is 01:14:14 Like the idea of you just is disgusting. We can also see her blush a little bit. She can't, she just can't help it. She wishes she could quit you, but she just, there's something about this, this little pimpled boy with his katana. Taylor goes like, does a little head nod. Check this out.
Starting point is 01:14:28 He eats the rest of the Pocky in one bite. And she goes, oh, that was it. That's all I needed to not be attracted to you anymore. It just happened. Oh, I'm free. Oh, wait, it's been lifted up my shoulders. I can just hate you platonically now. Oh, she got the ick.
Starting point is 01:14:41 I got the ick. The ick happened. You want to enjoy Pocky? No, I don't. Get the fuckick. I got the ick. The ick happened. You want to go into the parking? No, I don't. Get the fuck off. More for me. So we get a long telephoto shot of the five of us in our spacesuits walking up to the JBL parking lot.
Starting point is 01:14:53 Three of you spacesuits, each of you holding another spacesuit. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I just want to say, first two days of this marriage, pretty good. Do we need to turn you into a rock so that you can carry these spacesuits? Oh, fuck, that's right. You gotta turn into a rock,
Starting point is 01:15:06 which means someone else needs to do the Red Bull intro. Terry, you wanna take the intro? Um, how does it go? Oh, you'll find the words. I'll give you a wink and then I dive into the rock with the two extra spacesuits
Starting point is 01:15:18 and I lean against the rock all cool. I don't remember much before I got married, but if I could summarize these last two magical days into just a quick sentence for Red Bull, I wouldn't do it because I'm just too happy. vulnerable with people, I guess, until I could, which was right now. And I'm a little bit scared, but I think that this will be a magical experience. And yeah, of course, I'm going to miss my mom. My mom's like my best friend, but like, I'll see her again. And I just know that we'll just go, you know, shopping and get our nails done like we used to,
Starting point is 01:16:07 and she'll be there for me like some people weren't. And that hurt, transparently. But now I'm married. Red Bull gave that all to me. She's so sexy! You all boop backward to space. Link, Hermie, and Nick are all turning blue. You can see their blood is beginning to boil under the surface of their skin.
Starting point is 01:16:44 So you've got one turn to get this stuff on them. I D-rock. You turn back into a human and the three suits are now going in opposite directions. You're gonna have to snatch them out of the, not the air, but out of space essentially to even guide them towards Link and Hermes. So why don't you go ahead and roll athletics
Starting point is 01:16:59 to see if you can snatch them and then throw them at Link and Hermes and Nick. I roll to kick them towards Hermie. Like a bicycle kick in space. Yeah. That's fun. I'm just going to try to guide them to my friends. I'm going to try and grab one as well with a little bit of athletics.
Starting point is 01:17:13 Okay. Athletics rolls all around. Three plus one, four. I've not rolled well at all. No, you haven't. Can I roll when I'm? Yeah. I got an 18.
Starting point is 01:17:21 Great. And athletics? Yep. Plus five, 23. I got a one. All right. So with a natural one, you knock one of athletics? Yep. Plus 5, 23. I got a 1. All right. So with a natural 1, you knock one of the spacesuits away. Sorry, wait.
Starting point is 01:17:29 I got a 7 plus 7. So I got a 14. OK, never mind then. 7 to 1 of the 7. I got a 4. With a 25, can I grab the one that she got plus 1 for me? So I got 2 of them. Yeah, you got 2 of them.
Starting point is 01:17:42 All right. So you and Hermie are suited up. And Nick is going to roll to try to grab one. He got an eight, so it is just off of his fingertips and starts sailing towards Earth, and you begin to feel a gravitational pull of Earth pulling you in slowly, and it's just out of reach for him,
Starting point is 01:17:59 and he can't make it. There's no way for him to speed up because it's space. There's nothing for him to, like, you know, jettison off of or whatever. What if I hit him? Equal opposite reaction. I can kick him, and it'll kick's space. There's nothing for him to like, you know, jettison off. What if I hit him? Equal opposite reaction. Kick him and kick me away. Okay.
Starting point is 01:18:07 Anybody have a spell or anything? Yeah. I can't do spells. I'm insane. I cast banishment on him again. I go figure it out. Yeah. Just do that.
Starting point is 01:18:16 Just do that. Yeah. Yeah. I cast banishment and then Nick disappears back to hell. He has another two weeks to fucking figure out how to fucking do this. He comes back. He's wearing a Red Bull space suit. He's like,
Starting point is 01:18:26 I did stunts. I took your book. I stole your idea. I didn't have a good idea on my own. I just stole your idea. He's like, we could rob Dyrdek for some reason
Starting point is 01:18:33 just with them. Dyrdek's like, yo, what's up guys? We got a whole camera crew and shit. We're just filming this Lunchables ad. All right. And then,
Starting point is 01:18:41 Steve-O, what are you doing? Yeah, and they die in space. They forgot to bring that. The entire Jackass crew dies in space. Well, because they all carried their spacesuits like idiots. Wait, so what actually happened?
Starting point is 01:18:50 That happens. Steve-O dies in space. That's canon. So you've all got your suits on. So everybody's descending Earth slowly, and you manage to break Atmo, and then you feel the heavy gravitational pull on you, and you are now falling.
Starting point is 01:19:03 You are now falling towards Earth. Our space parachutes from Red Bulls. pull on you, and you are now falling. You are now falling towards Earth. We have our space parachutes from Red Bulls. Red Bulls, space parachutes. Yep. You activate those, and six Red Bull flags, Red Bull parachutes, appear in the air like canopies, and you see that you were descending. I spelled our team name wrong. Yeah, we told them it was supposed to be 50% of the chute for our logo.
Starting point is 01:19:21 Yeah, and it is, but it just says teens stunt teams. another shoot for our logo. Yeah, and it is, but it just says teens stunt teams. Terry looks at normal is like, hey, honey, I know we're from teen high, but I've never been this high before. That's hilarious.
Starting point is 01:19:35 So you come to a landing just outside the city limits, the limits of the city where the Black Parade once hung out. Now convenient. And you see a small dot that grows larger and larger as you descend to Earth. And as you get close, you can sort of make out like, oh, it's Terry Jr. He's on his own.
Starting point is 01:19:50 And he's waiting for you guys. He's holding something in his hand, and he sort of makes sure to maneuver himself underneath. So when you all land, he's right there. And the second you all land, he goes, everybody get down! And he takes out two guns. He points one at normal and one at Link, and he starts firing. What? What? What? Oh, God.
Starting point is 01:20:05 All our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say
Starting point is 01:20:46 Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow
Starting point is 01:21:04 I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Birch is our DM, Will Campos is Normal Oak, Beth May is Scary Marlowe, and myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. And Travis Reeves provides additional editing.
Starting point is 01:21:36 Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon, and that Patreon's got all kinds of cool people on it. People like Dan, Rebecca, Logan Collier, Harry Lewis Erlem, Captain Dirtbeard, Shannon Hodgkin, Bravo Delta from Yo What The Hell Pod, Hunter Kaczmirzak, Tyler McDonald, Justin W. Ruchinsky, Laura Evans, Krasmazov, SJ, Fabled, Sean Ramos, Hannah Karampatsos, Tracy Carney, Bo Roche, Gabe Oswalt, Kyle Rackley, and Emma Getliff. You too can support this podcast directly at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads.
Starting point is 01:22:08 A little announcement. Next month, we're going to be at Rooster Teeth Expo in Austin, July 7th through the 9th. You can get tickets at rtxaustin.com. We'll be doing stuff all weekend with the Rooster Teeth folks and all kinds of different shows. But I believe our main Dungeons & Daddies show is going to be on Sunday. This is going to be our first ever live show, technically. Like, we did a couple of live streams over the pandemic, and, like, that doesn't count.
Starting point is 01:22:28 That's just a bunch of us in a room staring at a camera. This will be the first time we'll go in front of a crowd. It's going to be really exciting. I'm excited. I'm a little nervous, too. I'm not nervous. Everyone else is nervous. I just say I'm nervous so that they don't feel, like,
Starting point is 01:22:39 they don't feel left out. We got some good stuff cooking for this live show, so if you want to hang out with us, buy some merch, see some shows, you can do it all next month, July 7th through 9th at Rooster Teeth Expo in Austin. The tickets are at rtxaustin.com. We have our next bonus one-shot standalone campaign, a murder mystery called
Starting point is 01:22:55 Dad, Then There Were None, a dad of the Christy who dadded. It's coming out soon. It's looking like another three-parter and it features more guests than we've ever had on before. You can get access to this the moment it comes out by being a patreon supporter as well as have access to all of our previous bonus one shots of bonus after show ad free episodes access to community discord all kinds of stuff more stuff than you can shake a very big stick at so pick up your sticks and go shake them at your computer at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and
Starting point is 01:23:23 dads our website's dungeonsanddads.com our merch is store.dungeonsanddays.com slash dungeons and dads. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads. Our website is dungeonsanddads.com. Our merch is store.dungeonsanddads.com. Our subreddit, dungeonsanddads. And our next episode is coming out June 20th. We will see you then. Not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow. Make steel and borrow.
Starting point is 01:23:38 Brave while we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way you made our job is like we roll a number and then we laugh at the number sometimes we're just like he got a one like what is that you're fucking a number and then we laugh at the number sometimes. We're just like, he got a one. Like, what is that? What in our job is that? Are you fucking kidding?
Starting point is 01:24:07 I get paid to laugh at that? That's stupid. Well, technically our job is like to know spells and stuff. And we're like, ah, we didn't do that part.

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