Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 36 - When Terry Met Terry

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

The teens barely have time to get their feet on solid ground before dodging BULLETS? And uh oh is that the Black Parade??This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show ...on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Five friends took an enormous leap of faith in order to escape the vacuum of space. They married as complete teenagers. This is Married at First Flight. Last time, with less than 48 hours before getting blasted back into the void, Arquintuple enjoyed a retreat to JPL with the intention of saving their lives and their relationship. Lincoln.
Starting point is 00:00:36 Okay, we've got 48 hours, people. Let's get to work. I've been married before, so I know what it takes to communicate effectively and lovingly to my spouses. Even though, like, I don't think we're really married normal okay we got 36 hours people let's get to work the last 12 hours have put a real strain on this marriage my sister hero could help us but no one will break our vows to go on a date with her I'm like who cares it's not like we're really married. Hermie. Okay, people, I've spent the last 24 hours calculating a way to save us. I love my hardworking husband. Normal, I need to talk to you. Yeah, I'm totally into Terry again. Once
Starting point is 00:01:17 we get through this, I'm going to ask her to marry me for real. Terry. Mom, I can't believe I've been married for just a day and a half. It feels like a dream. What? Don't worry, Mom. You'll always be my best friend. Gotta go. My husbands are calling. Bye.
Starting point is 00:01:32 Taylor. Hey, here. Here. Look how much Pocky I can fit in my mouth. Dude, check this out. Oh, God. You're disgusting. I feel like things are going really great with Hero.
Starting point is 00:01:41 Plus, I got my mom to tweet our stunt video, and now Red Bull is hooking us up with spacesuits, so it looks like we're not going to die after all. Once again, Taylor coming out on top. Now the teens are back on Earth, but will this marriage get annulled by Terry Jr. and his gun? Everybody get down! It's still Death Do Us Part this week
Starting point is 00:02:01 on Married at First Flight. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast. No, we can't do it again. We already did it. My brain just reacts to things now. It's just so in the moment. Now? Just now? My name is Freddie Wong. In this Dungeons & Dragons podcast, I play a teenager named Taylor Swift. Not the one you're thinking of.
Starting point is 00:02:31 This one. I was thinking of this one. Which one am I thinking of now? I like the idea that very slowly I'm just regaining the mind share of Glenn Close and Taylor Swift. Like that both of them fought so hard their whole careers to get. Like, mmm, my little troll. Taylor's like, I'm getting weaker. I'm getting weaker. hard their whole careers to get. Taylor's like, I'm getting weaker.
Starting point is 00:02:46 I'm getting weaker. Her hand is starting to fade out of existence. That's why she acknowledged the problem is her. She didn't do that before this podcast started. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:52 Think about it, man. Taylor Swift is an anime-loving outdoors teen with a heart of gold and a pirate smile. What the fuck? What? What?
Starting point is 00:03:02 What? I can't. What is happening? Let me play my character, Will. This week's Taylor fact. Was it a Jimmy Buffett song? What? What? I can't. What is happening? Let me play my character, Will. This was a Jimmy Buffett song. What are you doing? This was Taylor fact. Taylor has always wanted to have an anime style hot springs in his backyard.
Starting point is 00:03:17 Like, you know how he was like, man, I'll come over and we'll have a hot springs. And he would. Right. And the steam will, you know'am, all the ladies will come over and we'll be able to have a hot springs. And he would. Right. And the steam will, you know, be behind all the parts. Hide all the parts. But then I can, you know, you get one koi fish in an aquarium. That's what you can get. But in the back of her mind, she's like, I should save up for this.
Starting point is 00:03:40 I should save up for this. The amount of landscaping, this $50,000 landscaping. I'm just relieved that this didn't end with him trying to make his own hot spring that turned into like a standing water, like swapping sheet of on-site. Do you know what I mean? No, that's what it is.
Starting point is 00:03:53 Will, you've taken this and changed the direction. So if you look on Taylor's YouTube channel, there's a multi-part unfinished series where it's like, I build my own Japanese-style hot springs in my backyard. And it's one video. It's him breaking the ground. And then from that point on, he's like, he never finished that anime style hot springs my backyard it's one video it's him breaking the ground and then from that point on he's like he never finished that because mom got mad at him clearly if you go on google uh maps and you drive by his house you're like what happened
Starting point is 00:04:14 there that's when they took the picture of it but it doesn't look like that anymore it's just like a tepid duck pond please come over tepid duck pond feels a scary album. I'm seeing a lot of algae. Tempid Duck Pond feels like the kind of thing you have to type into a computer to prove you're a human. It's like a real computer-generated password kind of energy there. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee. Howdy!
Starting point is 00:04:40 Howdy. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, a schooled-at-home soccer kid who, upon entering the Ferrona Rums, married four other teenagers. And a little fact about Lincoln is that he wears contacts. His eyes are very itchy right now because he's... Whoa! When was the last time you changed those bad boys? At the Papa John's, he looked around. He's like, you think there's a CVS around?
Starting point is 00:05:01 No, there's not. It's okay. I'll just deal with it. They're just in there. Soft contacts. He has a minus two to anything requiring eyesight. Yeah, he does a lot of like licking his fingers and just kind of getting some spit up in there just to kind of keep them moist. Oh, God. He's really got to. Hey, you got to do what you got to do.
Starting point is 00:05:14 He's got to find some solution. You should have to roll to see if he got that eyeball eating amoeba. Yeah. He's got to get some lens solution pretty quick. He's got like calcium crusting it up like the frozen guy in Terminator 2. Every morning his eyeballs open it just sounds like a zipper you know like the eon flux opening oh my god i'm nauseous now uh hi everyone i'm will campos i play normally lee oak swallows garcia wilson swift marlo the unworthy
Starting point is 00:05:41 he's a blue jean baby la lady seamstress for the band pretty eyed pirate smile he'll marry a music man i guess we're all just doing random stuff for our intros now freddie doesn't make any sense when you say it marina normal is a perpy peppy chipper cheery school spirit mascot kid that's what he is and my teen fact about normal is his first time that he tried drinking teen drinking it was actually it was pre-teen drinking. He was like 10 years old and they were at their grandparents' house and he was like, oh, Grandpa Henry's got this big bottle
Starting point is 00:06:11 of like grandpa booze. What is it? Like, I'm going to try it. And it was Henry's home-brewed hard kombucha. I knew it was kombucha. I fucking knew it was kombucha. And just the second he opened this thing, there was like shimmering,
Starting point is 00:06:23 you know, like that heat air. Mm-hmm. And then like it just, he took one sip and it just put him on the moon. He was thrown up for a day. You saw through the fabric of space time and reality. His next 18 poops were perfect. Yeah, he never had to wipe again. I'd be interested in Henry's hard wipe.
Starting point is 00:06:38 He's never had to wipe again, dog. That's why he doesn't shower. Like one day he's like, hey, I haven't had to wipe for two weeks. I don't think I have to shower either. And everybody's like, no, no, you still have to shower.
Starting point is 00:06:48 Bro, nothing but net. Yeah, his gut health is just. There's the sound of him taking shit. My back. It's gone. That's my fact.
Starting point is 00:06:58 I yield the remainder of my time. Okay. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Terry Marlowe, a hardworking soccer star whose mom is her best friend. And she's insane. Fun fact about Terry this week is that she likes spicy food.
Starting point is 00:07:15 So like when she goes to like a Thai restaurant and they're like, okay, do you want mild spicy? She'll ask for medium spicy. But sometimes it's a little too spicy. So she's like, I wish I had done mild, but I feel like I could have handled medium. Is her dream to be on hot ones someday? I think that'd be a little too spicy. But maybe if they made like an easier, like a medium ones, then things would be different. That's for kind of famous people. A lot of D&D podcasters on medium ones then things would be different. That's for kind of famous people.
Starting point is 00:07:46 A lot of D&D podcasters on medium ones. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi dad. We had a conversation on Last Teen Talk about parasocial relationships
Starting point is 00:07:55 and I realized I give away too much of myself for free. Yes right, Jansi. On this fucking podcast. Throw it to the paywall. So behind the paywall you can hear some fucking dad facts
Starting point is 00:08:04 about my real life. But here, you're only getting fake facts about me. Okay, well, give us one. I've had sex. Whoa! So when we last left you, you had just landed after a jaunt in Goof Realm. I'm so glad we landed in JPL.
Starting point is 00:08:28 I don't know how we would have gotten back from space if we hadn't gotten to JPL. You would hang out at JPL. You finally managed to get back to the doodlerized Earth. And when you landed on the ground, he said, get down and then started shooting at you. Taylor's already down because he's in a modified blade pose upon landing. The modified blade pose you will recall is the pose that Trinity does when she throws that motorcycle in the second wave.
Starting point is 00:08:49 The long leg. The long one. So I would like everybody to roll initiative, please. Whoa! Are bullets entering Lincoln? What a way to say that. You had so many different ways you could have verbalized that thought.
Starting point is 00:09:04 So answer the question you're gonna have to roll to see if they hit you yeah okay 18 plus 1 19 as lincoln is waiting to see whether or not these bullets enter him he is like looking at his spouse is not wanting to make the same mistake chris did he's whispering go on without me you can marry again or stay married to each other whatever makes you happy i don't care don't live your life because... Don't live my life? Just keep living your life. Just keep living your life. You don't need to say, I'm dead.
Starting point is 00:09:29 I'm going to be dead. That's the poetic words he says as the bullets fly towards him. Chiseled onto your... All right, what am I rolling? With the slow motion gun that Terry uses. Initiative. I don't know why I said that like that. Initiative.
Starting point is 00:09:39 My initiative is a three plus a three. That's a six. Okay. I also got a six. Ooh. I got a nine. Natural six? No, I got a three plus a three. Should we roll off to see. I also got a six. Ooh, I got a natural six. No, I got a three plus a three.
Starting point is 00:09:47 Should we roll off to see who goes first? Yeah. All right, let's roll off. Fucking roll off. Here we go. Five plus three, eight.
Starting point is 00:09:53 I got a 19 plus three. Shit. Shit. All right. That goes before me. Will, 19, 17 plus two.
Starting point is 00:09:59 Can you and Freddie roll off? Cause you both got 19. Oh, well you want a fucking, you want the fucking bull. This is a new DME mechanic fucking you want the fucking mechanic you want the bull you getting the horns dog nice try 18 plus 1 19 again i got a nine fucker goddamn beth you and me cool kids all right who moves on in the next bracket now it's freddie versus beth
Starting point is 00:10:18 when do the bullets go yes normal and link are going to roll dexterity to see if you can get hit or not. You're saying that... Oh, I got an 11. Dodge bullets. Just like the fucking movie versus, I'm going to get a natural 20. Whoa! That's a four.
Starting point is 00:10:36 Fuck yeah. So Normal, one of the bullets is going to hit you. You're going to take 2d8 of damage. That's not that bad for a bullet. Well, it hits you in the shoulder. Oh, it's like a cool bullet. It's like a cool, ah, this is just a part of the narrative moment. How long do you think
Starting point is 00:10:48 it's going to be before Tom Cruise just gets shot in one of the movies? I've been saying that for years. I think the next Mission Impossible, he's just going to get shot in the chest. I think they're just going to do it as a stunt. Yeah, as a stunt. Just do it like a one-take surgery. Yeah, yeah. We set up all these cameras in slow-mo, and we're just going to shoot them.
Starting point is 00:11:04 Tom's been practicing for the last six months with smaller and smaller calibmo. We're just going to shoot them. Tom's been practicing for the last six months with smaller and smaller calibers. I'm just going to fucking plug them. I rolled a D20 and got a natural 20. Does that give me anything? Yeah, you get 20 damage for messing up. What? Yeah, baby, guess what?
Starting point is 00:11:17 Pay attention, bitch. With your natural 20, Link, what happens when you are shot at by Terry? Essentially like that scene in Spider-Man when he's in the hallway and the kid throws a punch and he gets a Spidey sense and he just kind of watches the fists go around. His name is Flash Thompson. Show him some fucking
Starting point is 00:11:32 respect. Flash Thompson. That's what happens. He just kind of looks at the bullets and he's like, these don't seem so scary when they go this slowly. He's scared. He looks to the right. He sees one of them go. He's like, well, that one's not going to go anywhere. He looks to the left. He's like, oh, good. That one missed me. It's going right into... Oh, my God. Normal.
Starting point is 00:11:47 Why? Why do you have this ability? Because you got a natural 20. Pay attention, bitch. I'm right there with you. I just think baby gets a treat when he rolls a natural 20. I guess that's what Matt
Starting point is 00:12:02 is deciding his little treat is going to be. Also, time slows down when shit goes deciding. Yeah, I rolled natural 20. It's going to be. And also, time slows down when shit goes real. Yeah, they've done studies. Yeah, they've done studies. So I'm just following those studies right now. All right. Taylor, it is your turn. If anybody wants to roll perception, feel free.
Starting point is 00:12:24 I'm perceiving that I just got shot. Ow! All right. You see Terry. I rolled a 10 perception as well. You see, it looks like he's wearing maybe a turtleneck. I got a 12. Yeah, maybe a turtleneck.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Okay. I got a natural 20 perception. No, you didn't. You got two natural 20s in a row? 20 plus two. You can see it in Dungeons and Dragons Beyond. Jesus Christ. Okay, well then you.
Starting point is 00:12:42 Dungeons and Dragons Beyond. Yeah, what the fuck? Why'd you say the whole thing? That's insane. Coca-Cola zero sugar, please. I like to watch TV shows on the American Broadcasting Company. Can't we just get
Starting point is 00:12:58 Beyond Dungeons and Dragons? Oh, boy. Okay, so... It also makes sense that it would be world perception. Yeah, it makes sense I could perceive if I'm literally in slow motion right now. Yeah, you're in slow-mo. So you can
Starting point is 00:13:07 see that around Terry's neck is what looks to be a metal cuff with something etched into it. Runes that you cannot quite decipher from this distance, but they look like English language. Uh-oh. It's like a collar. He's like a little doggy. Is it a collar that says he has to be a really good dad or whatever it is
Starting point is 00:13:24 that we put on the dragon? You can see from this distance it collar that says he has to be a really good dad or whatever it is that we put on the dragon? You can see from this distance, it does not say you have to be a really good dad. Okay, good. You can see it says something else. Okay, I can't see what it is. Do we have to decapitate another stepdad? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:33 All right, so it is now Taylor's turn. Taylor is going to cast Pass Without Trace. A veil of shadows and silence radiates from me, masking myself and my companions from detection. Each creature I choose within 30 feet of me, my boys and Terry, has plus 10 bonus to Dex stealth checks and cannot be tracked
Starting point is 00:13:51 except by magical means. The creature receiving this bonus leaves behind no tracks or other traces of its passage. So Taylor's gonna throw one of his ninjutsu smoke bombs down and be like, ha, danger! It's a smoke bomb that Taylor ordered off AliExpress,
Starting point is 00:14:07 so it's like we are definitely breathing in some kind of fumes. Some fucked up shit. He can't hit you, right? I mean, you know, we just got a plus 10 to Dex, so we roll bad, he can still hit you.
Starting point is 00:14:15 Yeah, yeah, plus 10 bonus to Dex stealth checks. Oh, is it just stealth checks? It says plus 10 bonus to dexterity parenthetical stealth checks. Yeah, so that means stealthy stuff. That doesn't mean like an attack that means like if we hide oh okay well yeah but you can say you're hiding if you want to there's
Starting point is 00:14:29 detritus around here you're near the city that you met the black parade in so there's detritus you can be hiding behind let me just ask you really quick then in terms of where we landed like you know are we in a park are we in like a city square intersection you're in an intersection into city square with some turned over cars very i am legend okay okay we're in we're in i am legend there's a mannequin over there yeah it turned its head a little bit you're like what remember when the i am legend like it's the war-torn future that's a crisis and gas is five dollars a gallon and it's like oh man and they have the batman versus superman poster in there too they predicted the dystopia that we live in now those writers knew we were going to vote for Biden.
Starting point is 00:15:09 Everybody is now sneaky sneaking behind some stuff. So once it's Terry's turn, he's going to try to roll to discern you and you're going to roll oppose stealth. It is now your turn, Normal. Normal. You're welcome. Ow, thanks. Oh my God, hubby, what's wrong? I got shot.
Starting point is 00:15:20 Oh my God. Ow. Ow. Ow. Why are you saying how you got shot? Because we're one soul. That's really nice, but just could you help? Oh yeah, okay, okay, so.
Starting point is 00:15:30 It's my turn though. You gotta help on your turn. Okay, I was just gonna get like some gauze or something, but yeah, go ahead and do your magic, babe. Do your magic, babe. I am going to
Starting point is 00:15:38 cast heal on myself. Do a little first level cure wounds. We're just gonna top this one off. First level cure wounds is like at the gas station where you're just, I'm just gonna do a little bit level cure wounds. We're just going to top this one off. First level cure wounds is like at the gas station. I'm just going to do a little bit of gas. I'm going to try and hit $5 exactly. I heal 13 damage.
Starting point is 00:15:52 Damn, first level cure wounds is strong. You feel healing vapors emanate from your hand into the wound on your shoulder and the bleeding stops. The hole remains with bleeding stuff. See that? That's the power of love. Wow. Yeah. So it's Terry's turn.
Starting point is 00:16:06 He's going to try to roll for each of you individually if he can see you or not. Do we do it opposed or what do we do? Yes, you're going to roll stealth. So go ahead and roll stealth, Beth, and you're going to add 10. 9 plus 10. All right, 19. Will, go ahead and roll. I got an 18.
Starting point is 00:16:19 All right, Freddie, go ahead and roll. Natural 20 plus 4 plus 10, 34. We are entering the era where taylor swift is going to fucking rock ass and now matt i got 18 so yeah wait no no plus 10 28 you got a 28 echo around like over here so terry's like good one good idea taylor i'm so sorry i'm so sorry everybody keep your heads down and he is going to shoot randomly into the darkness. He got an 18. It's normal again.
Starting point is 00:16:50 It's your other shoulder. No, if it's a good roll, he should not want to hit us. Yes, subconsciously he's trying to deny it. So you hear the whiz of bullets go right past your head. And that is going to be his turn. He's going to go, good job, guys. Good job. I only got a couple of bullets left.
Starting point is 00:17:04 We just got to get through this. Taylor goes, small caliber rounds. It's to be his turn. He's going to go, good job, guys. Good job. I only got a couple of bullets left. We just got to get through this. Taylor goes, small caliber rounds. It's Hermie's turn. And Hermie is going to sulk. Beth, it is your turn. Before I take my turn, I want to sort of clarify. I was doing some Googling, but it wasn't as helpful as I thought it would be about the whole thing of insanity in D&D.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Because the rules are like, you can't speak. yeah and obviously we've taken a different route with this but do I get like disadvantage on all my roles and then another question I had was like how does the insanity end is it long rest which I thought or is it like I have to get like a higher restoration spell I'm gonna say it's gonna be long rest okay and I'm gonna say that you can still talk and you don't have disadvantage on everything I'm just gonna say it's going to be long rest. Okay. And I'm going to say that you can still talk and you don't have disadvantage on everything. I'm just going to say that it's changed your personality temporarily such that if you were trying to do something that scary would be good at, it's going to be harder for you because now you're Terry. Okay. Oh, but if you're trying to do something that Terry's good at, like make friends. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hi, my name is Terry.
Starting point is 00:18:00 I know you can't see me in the darkness, but I just wanted to say, like, stop shooting at my husbands. Terry goes, what? I think that love conquers all. And I think you should just put down the gun. Terry goes, what did you guys do to Scary? Who's Scary? It's complicated. She kind of talked to the doodler and this sort of new side of her is driving the bus now, so to speak.
Starting point is 00:18:22 Yeah. Hey, man, you're like a dad. So just like embrace whatever your kid's going through and just, like, it's still your kid. I'm just trying to make sure you didn't brainwash her or something. That doesn't sound like my scary. I mean, she's not my scary. She's a scary.
Starting point is 00:18:32 It doesn't. Shit. And he just starts firing again, like, into the air, like, point-blank style. Stop firing guns to solve things. We're going to find your scary. We can help. We just need to put the gun down. All right.
Starting point is 00:18:41 Go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage because you don't sound normal to him. It's a seven. That's a four. Okay. So Terry's going to go. I don't believe you. Something's wrong. You guys did something to scary. I'm going to find out what it is. One bullet at a time. So he keeps the gun in his hand. Link, it is your turn. I'm going to cast a third level spell. I'm going to say, hey, everybody, just violence is not the answer. Can we just all like, just talk this out? Like Terry said, the way to solve things is with love or hope. So I cast Beacon of Hope, which is this spell bestows hope and vitality. Choose any number of creatures, all of us. For the duration, each target has the advantage of wisdom saving throws and death saving throws
Starting point is 00:19:17 and regains the maximum number of hit points possible from any healing. So I wish I'd done that before you did your healing spell. Oh, that's okay. But we're just all really smart now. We're wise now. Yeah, we're wise. You you're wise and also normal gets to heal up to no next time i roll i'll do max oh the next anytime we do a spell for healing we gain full healing oh that's dope as hell that's cool yeah okay you can just crank low level shitty spells and then i look around is there any like flower on the floor there is one single yellow flower that is a sprinting distance away.
Starting point is 00:19:46 I pick it up, and I fucking just run full speed and try to slam it into the barrel of the gun as violently as possible. All right, roll dexterity. He's going to shoot at you as you run at him. That's a three plus seven. All right, he rolled a 17 to hit you,
Starting point is 00:20:06 so he hits you square in the fucking chest. Oh my God. And you get knocked down. You're going to take 3d8 of damage. Like, what a powerful metaphor for the human condition. The flower's still in your hand as you hit the ground. Oh no. But now there's like blood on one of the petals.
Starting point is 00:20:19 I got 19 damage. You leap out from nowhere to take a shot of this poetic scene. I got 19 damage. I say, hope with that new wisdom I gave you, you forgive yourself for what you just did. Because I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I have to.
Starting point is 00:20:34 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why did you rush me? I was just wanting to give you a flower and your gun. It wouldn't have done anything. I would have shot the flower out and hit you in the face. Mister, why are you shooting?
Starting point is 00:20:44 He's making me. He made me. Who made you? So it is now Taylor's turn. Use that extra wisdom I gave you, buddy. Taylor. Is Terry making saving throws against whatever's fucking with him? No.
Starting point is 00:20:56 No. Uh-oh. The way that the collars work, if you recall from season one, is that they just work. You recall? No. Taylor's going to cast Spike Growth. Ground in 20-foot radius radius center and a point within range twists and sprouts
Starting point is 00:21:06 hard spikes and thorns difficult terrain creature moves into or within takes 2d4 piercing damage over five feet so it's basically Taylor just spreads out all it's just rolling out all his tools dude there goes
Starting point is 00:21:18 like cow chops so you try and get around these so out of the smoke a bunch of fucking cow drops he had some sort of magic steel thing that shot rocks out of it that went over the air to hit people with them. Do I have a gun?
Starting point is 00:21:30 What are you talking about? He does. He doesn't need to get close to you. He's not trying to get close to you. No, but he can't fucking move, though. Now he's in a fucking prison of my own. Yeah. Completely unarmed except for the gun that he has.
Starting point is 00:21:43 No, but he can't see us. There's darkness all over the place. You stuck me out of those prison bars with nothing but a gun. Try to stop. It's like the end of X-Men when they put Magneto
Starting point is 00:21:53 in a thing. Yeah, but he doesn't have a gun. But he has a fucking, he has an M249 and a lot of ammunition. Whatever, fuck you guys.
Starting point is 00:22:02 I'm casting Spike Growth. Spike Growth is cast. Good luck. Alright, great. Will, it is your turn. Who's making you do this? Wait, doesn't he take damage or something? Only if he moves into it. So nothing happens on this turn. He just watches that happen and goes, well... Sprayed Caltrops like an octopus on the ground when it feels threatened.
Starting point is 00:22:17 Everyone run! I'm going to cast Hold Person. To ensure he will never get near the Caltrops. He needs to make a wisdom saving throw. He did not. Even with his bonus? He didn't get a bonus from that. I have a bonus. No, no, no. Beacon of Hope, I gave it to everybody. You gave it to everybody? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:38 Oh, okay, then yeah, he succeeds. He gets advantage on wisdom saving. So Terry saves against it, unfortunately. No! Sorry. I just want everybody to be really wise. Well, that wasn't very wise of you. How ironic. Who's doing this? What's going on?
Starting point is 00:22:50 It's us! Stop shooting! It's normal! And all the other ones. Remember, we really hit it off. We had a great conversation about Scary last time. You're our dad now, too, man. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:59 Wait, you guys know this guy? Yeah. This is your stepdad. This is Terry. No, I don't have a stepdad i have a real dad oh well let's let's talk about that once the guns are not put a pin on that one the pin is safety okay mister is there like a key to your collar or anything he says no there's not there's just the collar itself just don't let me kill you whatever happens i mean i obviously you weren't
Starting point is 00:23:21 gonna let me kill you that's insane why did i say that oh god what am God, what am I doing? What am I doing? I'm fucking this up. What do you mean you don't have a stepdad? Oh no, oh no. It's okay, dude. Like these are my husbands and I'm Terry. Oh Jesus, what happened? It's a long story. It's going to be okay.
Starting point is 00:23:35 If you don't want to hurt anybody, you don't have to. Nobody's ever going to make you do that unless you're like under a spell or something. But I just found out about spells and I can't do them, but I really admire them. I think they're great. They're great. So Terry's going to stand up.
Starting point is 00:23:49 Point is going to go, you're too young to get married. And he's going to start firing into the cloud again. And he is going to completely whiff and click, click, click. The gun is going to empty. And he goes, oh, thank God.
Starting point is 00:23:58 And he throws the gun down. He goes, it's it, you're good. You can come out now. And you don't have any like secret ones on your ankle or anything like that that we need to know about. He goes, come out now. And you don't have any like secret ones on your ankle or anything like that that we need to know about. He goes, you got me.
Starting point is 00:24:06 And he pulled down another one. He fires that one and click, click, click. Oh, I forgot to load that one. Oh, damn it. That's really good thinking, Terry. Scary. Terry? Scary.
Starting point is 00:24:21 It's Terry. Terry. Whoa. What's your name? Terry. No way. Yeah. Yeah. It's Terry. Terry. Whoa. What's your name? Terry. No way. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:28 It's safe now, guys. It just, he wrote that I had to shoot some of you when you came down. What? Who did what? Willie. Willie? Willie Stambler? He's here?
Starting point is 00:24:36 No, he's not. What's it say on your collar, dude? If you want to approach him, you can. Yeah, I approach. So yeah, the collar says, blast those fools except scary when they show up and don't do anything to act against me, Willie Stampler, or help the kids. I noticed that he didn't blast me.
Starting point is 00:24:53 I guess that means I'm not a fool. For sure, that's probably what happened. You're right. Yeah, hon, yeah. Terry goes, I absolutely had the desire to shoot you very badly. You first, actually. I wanted to shoot you first.
Starting point is 00:25:03 It was just luck that the bullets hit normal, so. And yes. Yeah, luck.. I wanted to shoot you first. It was just luck that the bullets hit normal. And yes. Yeah, luck. That's what I'd call it. It's pretty cool that none of us got shot. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh my God, Lee!
Starting point is 00:25:12 I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I cast Cure Wounds on Link. And because I'm wise, it does the most. Well, that's good. My wounds are healed, but still really, really hurts. So how much do you heal for Matt?
Starting point is 00:25:22 Eight plus six, which is 14. So yeah, we're out of combat now. Well, that was easy. I'm going to grab the gun and keep it away from him, of course. Cool. Sure. Yeah, it's empty, but it's...
Starting point is 00:25:33 And then I'm also going to rack it a few times and tuck it into my waistband like a cool fucking anime team. Great. All canning on to this. You're not responsible like me. Here he goes. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry he got to us. He got collars on us
Starting point is 00:25:45 and I'm sorry and I can't help but I can he didn't say anything about not sticking around and like obliquely trying to say things
Starting point is 00:25:52 that might be helpful or whatever you can't help us I can't directly help you but I can I know stuff and I can say things yeah
Starting point is 00:25:57 I'm gonna take this off I approach him like Chris Pratt approaching a velociraptor great okay I approach him like with his masculine swagger. So I put my hand on his head.
Starting point is 00:26:05 I'm going to take this collar off, okay? You can't. It won't work. Why not? It's got a little latch right there. All right, give it a try. I'm going to try to do that. All right, roll strength.
Starting point is 00:26:14 Strength. I got a three. Even if it wasn't magically sealed, you would not have the strength needed to wrench this thing open. It's magic? It's like stuck on there with glue or something. All right, here, let me try. Well, that's what you said about the pickle jar last week, needed to wrench this thing open. It's magic? It's like stuck on there with glue or something.
Starting point is 00:26:27 That's what you said about the pickle jar last week, hun, and I feel like I could have gotten rid of it. I loosened it for you, though. What's she talking about? I don't know. Hey, don't worry, buddy, and I'm going to approach Terry like the boy in Black Stallion approaching the horse. And I go, let me just try a little something here, and I'm going to
Starting point is 00:26:43 cast Dispel Magic. That's a'm going to cast Dispel Magic. That's a spell called magic? Dispel Magic. I cast a Dispel Magic. Dispel Magic. I will never make a decent record. And it's choose one creature or object. I mean, you know how it works. But the DC equals.
Starting point is 00:27:00 You get the idea. You get the idea. For each spell, fourth level or higher on the target, make an ability check using your spellcasting ability. The DC equals 10 plus the spell's level, and then the spell ends. Is it a spell that I can dispel? Yeah, you're going to have to roll for it, right? That's what it's saying?
Starting point is 00:27:13 Yeah. You're going to have to beat a 20. Ooh, that's a big boy. Wait, the DC equals 10 plus the spell's level. Willie's cast it at level 10. So you are going to roll a dead dice and try to get higher than a 20 with your plus four. Okay. Get 16 or higher.
Starting point is 00:27:27 This is exciting. I got a four plus four. Okay. So unfortunately, dis-a-spell fizzles out in your hand. Don't worry, buddy. I got one more slot where that came from. And I cast a spell again.
Starting point is 00:27:39 All right. Give it another try. Five plus four. Hey, don't worry, buddy. If we all just take a little nap. He's like, we can't take a nap. We're in a hostile territory. Terry, what's going on?
Starting point is 00:27:50 Or Mr. Stampler, Mr. What's your last name? Marlo? Are you guys? Mr. Terry, what's happened? We just fell out of the sky. Like, you're probably wondering about these Red Bull outfits we've got on. We can fill you in on that.
Starting point is 00:28:01 But we came here for the anchor. And now we find you shooting at us. What's going on? He goes, well, you guys go first, because your thing's really confusing. It's not. We're just married. I approach him like young Ethan Hawke approaching White Fang. Okay, so we were in space.
Starting point is 00:28:17 That's kind of the first thing I remember, but I think we all kind of started in space. I'm actually a really big believer in astrology. I actually want to do a reading for you later, but maybe now is not the time. Anyways, we had to get out of there. And so we got married and I made the biggest and best decision of my life. We went to JPL, which I think stands for just penis losers. Because they weren't very helpful.
Starting point is 00:28:51 A whisper of scary coming in through Terry's mania. They weren't very helpful, especially this guy who thought he was the best dad. But actually I have the best dad. He's just not here around, you know? So he was the best though. And we came back into space and then came here and then you started shooting us,
Starting point is 00:29:11 but you said you didn't want to. And I don't know why. I just, I believe you. He turns to the rest of you and he goes, what happened? What happened to her? Pretty much just- She went nuts, man.
Starting point is 00:29:20 She tried to talk to the doodler, I think. So I don't know. I think she's kind of regressed to like an earlier state or something like that. She said she used to like soccer and stuff. And she's like, Terry, you like soccer, right? I love soccer. It's my favorite thing. I play left striker and my mom comes out to every game.
Starting point is 00:29:35 Someday my dad's going to come to a game and he's going to see how great I am. So, yeah. So that's what happened. It's like she's like that now. Terry kind of looks aside and goes like, I did actually want to see this version of you just not like well you got it buddy yeah but just not like okay sorry be careful what you wish for somebody's gonna say something okay you go that's us that's how we're here yeah what's happening here man me and the other dads tried to team up and take down willie he got the drop on us he put collars on all of us so we all basically have these things
Starting point is 00:30:03 on our necks that say we can't hurt him and we can't help you. And what are you good for? Man, don't kick him always down. He's going through a lot right now, dude. Everybody has value. Thank you. Thank you, Terry. Even Hermie.
Starting point is 00:30:15 Hey, Hermie, how's it going? You're here, too. Not great. I was going to die in space like a legend. Hey, remember those moments up there? You and me, man? Yeah. We're just drifting. You're worth something. Right? We're just s there? Just you and me, man? Yeah. We're just drifting.
Starting point is 00:30:26 You're worth something. Right? We're just sands drifting through space, and yet you're here. Like, just embrace it. Roll persuasion. 17. Hermie goes, normal. I need to talk to you.
Starting point is 00:30:36 I think I'm in love with Link. Okay. Okay. I support you, and I talked to my sister about this, and I want you to know that I'm here for you in whatever way you need me to be here for you. I'm here for you because I care about you sister about this and I want you to know that I'm here for you in whatever way you need me to be here for you. I'm here for you because I care about you and a third huh? Third throuple
Starting point is 00:30:51 try it. Try it. What does that make sense? I don't are you down? Oh, with link? Yeah. Uh, let me think about it. Well, you're married. If you're not, that's not gonna work for me. Oh, oh, oh, all right. I'm I'm so Terry. me. Oh, alright. So Terry!
Starting point is 00:31:08 Yes. Oh, I met the other Terry. Wow. He brought us here to get the last anchor. He dropped me off here. I don't know where he went. He had Grant with him. Grant! I don't know where they went. We've got to get to the anchor before Willie does. It's in that building, and he points
Starting point is 00:31:24 at a building in the center of the town that has lights coming out of the windows. You see yellow and red lights alternating. You can see the color of what's in the interior. ASU colors, fork them devils. Yeah, exactly that. And he goes, we got to move as quick as we can because shh. And then you hear bing, bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing, bing.
Starting point is 00:31:48 And you hear the trump of the boots of the Black Parade in the distance getting closer and closer, having been called by the sound of the gunshots. And he goes, we got to go. Okay, but our dads are there with Willie. Is that what you're saying? I guess. I think he's trying to go. How did you get away from him? Oh, he sent you out to find us.
Starting point is 00:31:58 Yeah, to stop you. So where is Grant, though? He's with Willie, I guess. Okay, do you know where Willie is? No. We know where they're going to be. Right. Which is there. I'm going to roll, look at the thing I'm looking at. Oh, though. He's with Willie, I guess. Okay, do you know where Willie is? No. We know where they're going to be. Right. Which is there.
Starting point is 00:32:05 I'm going to roll, look at the thing I'm looking at. Oh, okay. Was that perception? Yes. He said after saying the most Matt sentence he's ever said in his life. I got a 12. Okay, so with a 12, you can tell that the interior of the building is about four stories tall. It is just a normal kind of squat office building.
Starting point is 00:32:24 There are people milling about inside of non-humanoid size. It is about four stories tall. It is just a normal kind of squat office building. There are people milling about inside of non-humanoid size. Bigger or smaller than humanoid size? Bigger. Okay. And there's a not unfamiliar smell that you can't quite place coming from that. I'll say this, fellow stunt teens. We are equipped with Red Bull fucking go-fast suits. We could parachute down to that building
Starting point is 00:32:45 from behind. We're on the ground, though. Yeah, we're on the ground. Where are we going to get, like, a plane or anything? Well, we could climb stairs and base jump. Oh. Just throw it out there. There are definitely tall buildings near you
Starting point is 00:32:57 that are taller than the building you're in. How well-guarded does this building look? So on the exterior, you don't see any guards at all, but you can see a lot of people on the inside. Maybe let's approach cautiously and just kind of see what the deal is don't we just all like just pretend to be like you know goth or whatever like like we did last time yeah this is not just is it the black parade is it no he said it's non-human they're bigger than goths whoever's in there they're way bigger than most goths oh or even visigoths and they were
Starting point is 00:33:22 big i learned about that in history class so. We need to get off the street. Yeah, let's get off the street. Let's get to a high place like Batman would and look down and see more. We pick a building that is very tall and we climb the stairs of that building. Okay, cool. You climb the WeWork building and you get to the top of the 12th floor. That's it? 12 floors is a lot.
Starting point is 00:33:42 Yeah. Okay. I'm kind of regretting keeping the Red Bull suit on and the helmet on. But it looks so fucking cool. And this building is too fucking tall. Yeah, I was just going to ask Taylor, can you help me pack up my parachute? I've been dragging it with me the entire time. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:33:57 I think there's a bunch of holes in it now. God damn it. In the time that it took you to get upstairs, the Black Parade has started exploring the area that you were just in trying to find the source of the gunshots i'm going to set a timer for them basically in every turn you don't do something they're going to get closer and closer to finding you okay so we're looking down at the roof of this building what do we see so you see on the roof how's the hvac look hvac looks like it's working pristine or teen-sized vents on this roof there is a teen-sized vent a week teen-sized vent, though? Like 6'4"?
Starting point is 00:34:25 I mean, it's a width issue, not a length issue. Yeah, you're right. It's not the first time I've said that. You see two Calzone soldiers walking around on the roof holding very sharp pizza cutters that glint in the light from below them in the building. I hate these guys. That's fun. So we know... We don't know what the anchor is, but we know the anchors in that building.
Starting point is 00:34:48 Yeah. Okay. So we just got to get in there. All right, guys. I think we're dealing with calzone boys. We're dealing with Papa John's. It seems like it's gonna be really dangerous, right? Yeah, but we got to get in there.
Starting point is 00:34:56 We got to get the anchor. No, I know. I know. Just like just real, real quick. I don't know. Can we like not be married anymore? What do you mean? Well, it's just like it was just a marriage necessity.
Starting point is 00:35:04 And like, it's already like a lot. like i don't think i can really handle the morality of like well yeah you got me here but like not as like you know married what's the big deal man i don't know it's just like a lie i don't know if i can handle like all my spouse is dying well what's the difference if we get divorced then you just don't care about us anymore i mean i do but all right fine we can stay married i guess i not going to be the one to leave this marriage first. So, fine. Whatever you guys, whatever you, no, I'm fine. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:28 I definitely think it'd be healthy to seek counseling, maybe. But, I mean, we can come to that bridge when we get there. And when we find a counselor. Because here, you know, there's just not a lot of counselors. Anthony's rolling a dice quietly. All right. Oh, that's fine. Link, I just, sidebar.
Starting point is 00:35:43 Yeah. Wait. It feels like this whole marriage thing is kind of one of the tiny pieces of duct tape that's kind of keeping scary together right now so let's just like maybe after we get the anchor we can cut ties we can you know split things up i don't know what the alimony situation is going to wind up being okay but i forgot to sign the prenup i'm losing all my stuff okay well i hear you man just just know that i'm a little worried that her identity was like started by being married with four other people that she barely do but that's okay i hear you
Starting point is 00:36:09 we'll figure it out she can go on that journey of self-discovery back to herself or whatever she's going after it's fine it's fine no i can learn to not care too much about my spouses either no well i don't oh all right it's fine there's a lot going on okay that's on the prize how are we getting into this building okay let's um yeah how do we Okay, okay. Guys, that's not the prize. How are we getting into this building? Okay, let's, yeah, how do we do this? Two approaches. Loud and fast or stealthy and quiet. That one. That's a good one. The second one's good.
Starting point is 00:36:31 We can go from above or below. I mean, we're already above. All right. Well, take it away. What do we do? You hear alarm beneath you. You hear doors. Alarm.
Starting point is 00:36:39 Alarm within. You hear doors being kicked inside, and you hear miserable voices going, Scary! We're scary! We need to scare you! Abandon us! You hear stomps as people begin to run up the stairs. Oh shit! These guys see Terry! They're gonna freaking kill her! She's like the least depressed person ever right now! Are we like next door to the... So you're in a 12-story building next to
Starting point is 00:36:58 a 4-story building. And they haven't seen us. They basically saw footprints. I scream over the edge I go Whoa Hey look Scary's over there At the Hot Topic Roll deception
Starting point is 00:37:09 With disadvantage With disadvantage Hot Topic's so cringe What is she getting A Rick and Morty shirt She's tearing all the Hot Topic stuff down Cause it's cringe
Starting point is 00:37:17 Good save man Nice Got a nine With a nine You do not convince them You hear these steps Continue to move apart towards you. So Taylor goes to the group and goes like,
Starting point is 00:37:28 any of you have any base jumping experience? No, absolutely not. It won't matter. Here's what we do. I have basic jumping experience, and I jump up and down. Good enough. Here's what we do. Have you ever thought about being a goalie?
Starting point is 00:37:37 And then I jump too. Everyone, shut up. We got to move. Okay. You dangle your pitch. Run. No, wait. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:37:43 Hold on. Watch. Watch him do what I do. Slow and steady is fast, man. Just calm down. Just fucking... Okay, so Taylor, having seen this on a YouTube video, is going to dangle the parachute over the edge over from him.
Starting point is 00:37:56 So basically, you're standing on the edge, and the parachute's in front of you over the edge. Okay. And Taylor goes, this is why I saw a YouTube video on this once. All you have to do is jump forward and do a front flip. Okay. And Taylor goes, this is why I saw a YouTube video on this once. All you have to do is jump forward and do a front flip. Okay. And the parachute will base jump us and take us down gently. And the goal is we steer it onto the roof of that building.
Starting point is 00:38:14 And I, and hopefully, and I turned to Terry who doesn't have a Red Bull suit and helmet and cool jumpsuit. And you, they're going to see all of us in our very bright Red Bull gear going on to the other building. And hopefully it'll cause a crazy conundrum for everyone in that building because all the Black Braids are going to try and get in there. Right.
Starting point is 00:38:31 They'll see us going on to that building. They'll follow us. They'll try and bring in that building. It'll be chaos. In that chaos, Terry, that's your cue to escape. Start blasting. Find some ammo, my man. All right.
Starting point is 00:38:42 We ready? Wait, what? Okay. One, find ammo, my man. He's doing a lot of work. Like, for on top of a building. Like, I don't think he has ammo. That's not your problem.
Starting point is 00:38:50 Our problem is getting on the roof of that building. But two, so like, dude, the minimum altitude for base jumping is 200 feet at least. We're on a 12-story building. Like, we're going to just hit the ground and die. Like, what are you talking? You're just going to jump off this building. Nah, not with this method of deploying, Matt. You were just sitting there looking at Google like a fucking rube.
Starting point is 00:39:06 But I know that this is the fastest way that you can get a canopy open off the edge of a building. Absolutely not. Link wouldn't know. Link's just like, I don't trust you. Absolutely not. You cannot jump off 12 stories base jump with a normal parachute. You'll die. Isn't it like that Terry, too, won't have a parachute so he can't come with us?
Starting point is 00:39:23 And this group of people, they might attack him before he could get over to the other building. That's right. You're concerned about what would— That's really nice. Wow, that feels— Can I— Never mind. No, I was going to ask for a hug.
Starting point is 00:39:37 That doesn't make any sense. Oh, sure. She hugs him. So he immediately blushes really big, and he goes, This is really nice. No, it's not good. This has never happened. You've never been hugged?
Starting point is 00:39:50 Not by my stepdaughter. He still hasn't. He just doesn't know it yet. I mean, he does know, but he's still taking it. He's just like, man. Taking what I can get, I guess. Those are just like us sometimes. Meanwhile, Taylor pulled up a number of low base jumping front flip parachute videos
Starting point is 00:40:06 where people are doing it off 12 story buildings. Go fuck it. Hermie goes, I do have an idea. What is it? In order to prevent Terry from being hurt, I using my incredible acting skills and he turns around and he looks like scary.
Starting point is 00:40:23 What could convince them that i am their leader and order them to follow you into that building oh my god it's so crazy it just might work uh yeah yeah do we need to jump off anything for that to work taylor taylor already has the parachute dangling over and he's like what do you mean they're all coming up for us what if it fails look all i'm saying is if i remember like one time when i was browsing on the internet when i was on the ukc uh forums they were talking about that like modern canopies and d can jump at 105 feet to 80 feet but it's like it's a specialized equipment and you need to be very very well trained to be able to do this so like i'm just saying you'll have to roll for it
Starting point is 00:40:57 i'm just saying and then also that's really just about getting to the ground i don't think you're gonna get to top of that four-story building not that i know anything about what's going on i'm just thinking i'm just thinking out loud to the top of that four-story building. Not that I know anything about what's going on. I'm just thinking. I'm just thinking out loud with the power of Google. Well, Taylor, that says... I'm going to look very quickly to see if there are any. You know those old-timey buildings have water towers on top of them that are full of water? Are there water
Starting point is 00:41:15 towers either on this building or the other one? There's a water tower on this building. Hermione's got a good idea. He pretends to be scary. It doesn't work like Thermopylae, this shit. Here's what I'm thinking. Hermione, if you think you can convincingly play scary and we can trick them that'll work if it doesn't work i'll cast control water on that water tower and bust it open and wash them down the stairs again like and then we jump off like itsy bitsy spider like itsy bitsy spider and then wait but wait they climb up again that's what that's what. It's time to do Taylor's plane and jump off the building.
Starting point is 00:41:46 Oh, God. Okay. Okay. So it sounds like what we want to do is we want to let Hermie attempt to convince them. And if not, then normal will wash them down. And then when they come up again, we'll just do a cool front flip off the building. Do a beast jump. Like I want to.
Starting point is 00:41:59 Well, I mean, maybe if Hermie fails, I could give it a shot. Because you said that I look like scary. That's true, too. Like the scary really. Like, Hermie,, I could give it a shot because you said that I look like Scary. That's true, too. That's true. Like, Hermie, you look like, good job. You're looking a lot like Scary right now, but Terry really looks like Scary. So, like, you just got to give me, like, your meanness. Be mean.
Starting point is 00:42:17 Give me something, like, something really mean. Yeah, like, say something about how bad I smell. Yeah, and gravel your voice up, like, ugh. But acting. I feel like I'm tired. Don't say it to me, though, because it will hurt my feelings. You can say it to me. Nothing hurts my feelings anymore.
Starting point is 00:42:31 Okay, babe. I was thinking that you could maybe shower more. I know this is a hard thing to hear, but I'm saying it because I care about you. You're running out of time. The footsteps are getting closer and closer. Hermie goes, guys, you don't have time to do this. Scary. Give me something that I can use to, or Terry, whatever the fuck, that I can convince them that I'm you. Something that only you would have. Maybe that tape measure that you got from these guys the
Starting point is 00:42:58 last time you were here. Can I have that? Do we still have that? Yes, you do. Sure. So I look in my pockets because I don't remember having it. Oh, it's clipped to your belt. It's clipped to my belt. Here you go. Cool. Hermie takes it and goes, ah, and now for the performance to begin. I kind of grabbed Terry. Yeah. Just, just lean over the edge. Okay. Now, Hermie, just scream really loud really loud no but stop talk like scary okay you can't tell her mouth's not moving from 12 stories up i'll just say like really quietly watermelon watermelon it'll look like i'm i'm saying whatever you're saying point at them okay i say watermelon
Starting point is 00:43:37 and i point and i go everybody go do the thing And I'm going to have them roll to see if they can figure out that that's Terry or not, or if it's scary. So with a 14, they are not convinced that that is the person. They stop for a second. It looks like scary. It does look like scary for a second. And then they stop and they realize there's just something, there's some energy that's missing. There's some sort of je ne sais quoi, some sort of misery that isn't quite there. They're like, it's an imposter.
Starting point is 00:44:05 Go, go, go. And they start running up the stairs. Now they're in the stairway right behind you. Turn around, you bad people. You have one thing you can do now before they rush onto the roof. These calls are beyond any of you. And then normal is going to cast control water. And I'm going to part water.
Starting point is 00:44:21 So I'm going to part the water inside the water tower with enough force such that it rips it open, and then I'm going to use redirect flow to send the water down the stairs towards them. Great. I'm going to have them roll dexterity saving throw. They got a 16. So I'm going to say that half of them get washed away
Starting point is 00:44:38 as they go down the stairs. The other half use the handrails. Yeah, they'll have to just grab onto the handrails and they're going to keep coming at you. There's six of them. Now they're on you. So they jump in and they grab Terry and they go, what'd you do with Scary?
Starting point is 00:44:53 What'd you do with our Lord? And one of them sees Hermie as Scary and Hermie's going to go, hey boys. And I'm going to have them roll to see if they understand. And they stop for a second and they don't quite know what to make of Hermie. But they know that the rest of you probably can't be trusted if you've got an imposter scary,
Starting point is 00:45:09 so they're going to attack you. That's my cue. All right, what are you going to do? Taylor does a front flip over the building with his parachute. All right, there's going to be a couple of rolls. So first, give me a dexterity roll to successfully front flip acrobatics. Even though I practice front flips in my yard all day.
Starting point is 00:45:22 Yeah, but not with Hermie. I'm going to make you fall for this. 18 plus 1, 19. Perfect. Well, almost perfect. It could have been exactly 5% better. You kind of like cocked your body a little bit so it wasn't totally straight.
Starting point is 00:45:32 It was a little bit of a shoulder roll. A little bit of a shoulder roll. But you front flip off of the building. The canopy engages as your momentum goes down. But now you have to see if you can control where your fall is. So give me another acrobatics roll. Andy, don't let him have this. Just let him fall.
Starting point is 00:45:48 The dice will decide his fate. It's not up to me. The Red Bull Stratos parachutes are like 200 feet wide for space dropping. When did you become fucking what is going on over here? You're trying to fucking get in my way. Every time I do something
Starting point is 00:46:03 semi-reasonable everybody's jumping off with space parachutes from 12 stories up seven plus one eight okay so that one you fuck up you manage to yeah away from the building like towards the building you're trying to go towards with the papa john's people in it and then massive canopy blows me right back into the building into the building yeah you pancake against the fucking building and you're gonna take 2d6 of damage as you slam into the building and then you're continuing slamming into it back and forth yeah i guess so you're just gonna slam all the way back down and land in a what looks to be a crowd of angry can i can i can i use my turn to seeing stupid idea taylor is doing to try to reach out and grab the chute. So I'm like holding him,
Starting point is 00:46:45 you know, like cliffhanger style. Like I'm holding the top of the chute. Give me a slight of hand roll. That's okay, Matt. You can let me fall. It feels like a great strength or something, right? I was imagining it was more of a speed.
Starting point is 00:46:53 Like, can I get to it before Taylor jumps off? Is that scene in the Matrix when it's like he looks down and he sees the rope going like and he's like, I'm going to grab it. He's beginning to believe.
Starting point is 00:47:02 I'll do 14. It was 14. 14. Okay, so with a 14 you managed to just barely grab onto the canopy right before it goes all the way down so you know this he grabs the top chute like the pilot chute yes which is as it's falling down like in matrix and then which then causes me to then slam into the building again yeah that's what fucked you up was the link grabbed it yeah just like the helicopter you you hit the window now you're gonna have to
Starting point is 00:47:23 roll strength to see if you can hold all of Taylor's weight plus the parachute as it goes top. Got an 11. Okay. Sorry, man, I tried. I'm just like, go. The parachute just slips out
Starting point is 00:47:33 from your grasp and Taylor just begins to, I feel like, fall because you would hit it and that would fuck up the parachutes. This is why I didn't want to remain buried.
Starting point is 00:47:40 Or does Link go and get dragged down with the parachute? That's even worse. That's great. I like that. Okay, sure. So yeah, both of you get dragged down with the parachute? That's even worse. That's great. I like that. Okay, sure. So yeah, both of you get dragged down and you're now falling.
Starting point is 00:47:49 But you're in your parachute too. Wait, no, guys, this is going to work. This is going to work. So Link is now falling. Sure, I'll go with that. So Normal is going to dive and grab Link's parachute. Okay. He's 6'4", so there's a lot of him that's got to go over the edge.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Yeah, a lot of them. So go ahead and give me a sleight of hand to grab that parachute. I think you're grabbing my ankles. No, it's your parachute. All right. got to go over the edge. Yeah, a lot of them. So go ahead and give me a sleight of hand to grab that parachute. I think you're grabbing my ankles. No, it's your parachute. All right. You're going over. Your parachute's behind you because you were so busy no-butting Taylor that you didn't put your parachute over the edge. I took that parachute off the moment I landed.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Like, every reasonable, insane. No, I'm sorry. I did not climb up 12 stories with a 200-foot parachute. Yeah, that's why Taylor. Normal. I will go over the edge, but you grab my ankles. That's why Taylor was out of breath is that he loved his parachute. Then here's what Norman does. Normal-one parachute. Yeah, that's why Taylor... All right, fine. Normal... I will go over the edge, but you grab my ankles. That's why Taylor was out of breath is that he loved his parachute.
Starting point is 00:48:26 Then here's what Normal does. Normal throws his parachute. Okay. I take the backpack off and throw it at you to grab, and I'm going to hold the other end of it. Shit, yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:48:35 Give me a dexterity throw to see if you can throw it correctly at him. And Link, being the weird homeschool kid he was, used to practice putting on a backpack with his feet. I'll show all the kids at school I'm so cool by doing this. Both of you give me dexterity rolls. Will for throwing, Matt for catching.
Starting point is 00:48:53 I got a nine for this one. Okay, so you just throw your parachute right at the fucking roof. Still in its bag, the parachute just sails over the roof right past you and you're just down one parachute. And he doesn't even go for it. He's just like, I right past you. Catch it, catch it, catch it. Down one parachute. And he doesn't even go for it. He's just like, I didn't want it.
Starting point is 00:49:07 No, I didn't want it. Really? Now you want a parachute? Oh. Oh, no. Okay. Scary, it's up to you. Just let us fall.
Starting point is 00:49:16 We deserve it. So Terry looks in her pocket and finds a poem. And she's going to take one more chance at trying to convince these people that she's really her. Okay. I feel like the poem will be advantaged to cancel out the disadvantage you get from being friendly scary. Okay.
Starting point is 00:49:36 In the depths of teenage woe and strife, I spill my angst, hating stepdad's life. With no fancy words or rhyme scheme tight, here's a raw poem, my heart's darkest light. That dude, my stepdad, he's such a pain. Makes me want to scream or go insane. He walks around like he's prepared for me, but deep down he's just so scared of me.
Starting point is 00:50:07 Ooh. Okay. So give me a roll. Persuasion. I feel like she should get an advantage for writing a poem on the podcast. Well, I wasn't paying attention to you guys for, I don't even know what the rest of it's happening. So I like the last few minutes, I was like, I'll be nice. I'll give you advantage for it. Sure. Fuck it. Fuck. Look, not everybody appreciates poetry, Beth. I know. It's a six. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:50:29 It's going to be another. It's another six. Oh, my God. Yeah. I was like literally joking, and then it was literally another six. So the lead Black Parade guy that's on the roof with you goes, She stole one of Scary's poems. Wait a second.
Starting point is 00:50:43 Wait a second. Hear me out. Because I know they follow the most depressed person in the room, right? Yes. Okay. How does Terry feel about hearing this poem? And does that make Terry so depressed that they'll listen to Terry? That's really good. That's really, really good. Okay. So Terry's going to try to hide his emotions because he doesn't realize how the black parade works. I'm going to see if he does it successfully or not. He does not. So tears begin to well up in his eyes as he hears you say all the things that he suspected you really felt about him and the member of the black parade turns and looks at him and
Starting point is 00:51:14 goes whoa whoa something's wait a second wait a second and he like gets up close to his eyes and like dips a pinky into his tears and then like licks it. And he goes, oh, that's good. He rubs it on his teeth. He goes, that's good sadness. Oh, don't you hate it? Don't you hate that your stepdaughter hates you? And Terry goes, I do hate it. And he goes, oh, you tried so hard, didn't you?
Starting point is 00:51:33 And he's like, I did try really hard to make her like me. He goes, what happened? He goes, it didn't work. He's also got a cool goth collar on right now because he doesn't. He's got a dog collar. Yes, dude. Nice dog collar. Is it a sex thing? And Terry's like it's not sure yeah it's why not and so the black braid
Starting point is 00:51:50 goes hold up hold up hold up this guy gerard says i think we might have a new leader everybody what's your name terry all hail terry the saddest dad in the land and they all go hip hip and so for this moment the guys atop the building have decided that terry is their new leader because terry is the most depressed good idea will meanwhile at the bottom taylor swinging his sword around be like away away gerard looks over the edge and says like we got a new sad dad in in town and so the group parts for you and terry and Terry are still on top of the building along with Hermie dressed as scary, holding the tape measure. So Terry looks at you and you see something change in his eyes. You see realization dawn on him. You see him figure something out. It makes you realize that
Starting point is 00:52:40 this whole entire time he's been like a little bit distracted. There's something that's been gnawing at him and he couldn't quite figure out. And you see that he just got it. And he goes, uh, Hey, I'm just gonna, can you just pretend that you're my stepdaughter for a second? That's silly,
Starting point is 00:52:52 but I guess I actually took an acting class too. I wasn't in a class with Hermie, but I can pretend pretty well. That's, that's great. Okay. I'm your stepdad. I mean,
Starting point is 00:53:01 I'm your stepdaughter. I'm fucking it up already. No, no, it's fine. You're doing fine. You're doing fine. I just wanted to say I'm sorry that I couldn't make it work, I guess. And then I know you're going through a lot of stuff. And then I really wanted to be a good stepdad for you. And I think I think I would have if I just
Starting point is 00:53:19 maybe gotten enough time. And I'm sorry that we don't have enough time. And I'm sorry for everything. I mean, I tried. I tried really hard. I think I should be proud of myself for that. And I am, and I'm proud of you for, for managing to survive this long and with this situation. And I know you'll go back to scary at some point and hopefully you'll remember this and you'll probably think that it's stupid, but, um, yeah, I just wanted to say that before, uh, Whoa. It's been a really long time since anybody said that they were proud of me who wasn't my mom because she's my best friend your mom's great i love your mom oh that's another thing please tell your mom that i love her very very dearly i hit some money under me she knows where i hit
Starting point is 00:53:53 the money i told her about it it's not something i'm keeping from my mom that's why i do your mom and i are good good friends and i love you and bye bye. And in that moment, two things happen. One- Link hits the ground. Link is, yeah, they all hit the ground, and the Black Parade reaches up to catch you, and you crush a couple of them painfully, and you take a D10 of damage
Starting point is 00:54:17 from your very uncomfortable landing on the Black Parade. And the second thing that happens is that all of you remember what Terry told you when you first met him. He said that he had seen his death and that his death would involve the Black Parade being around and Scary being around holding a tape measure. And as he looked around the roof, that's exactly what he saw. The Black Parade and Scary holding a tape measure. And he remembered that something was going to hit him in the back of the head.
Starting point is 00:54:41 Bang. And at that moment, a bullet goes through the back of Terry Jr.'s head and he falls over dead, having said everything he could possibly think of to somebody who's not really his stepdaughter. And from across the way, on another building on the other end of the street, a glint of a sniper scope.
Starting point is 00:55:00 All snipers have grunts. Oswald. And Grant. With a collar around his neck, starts to scream in pain. All our days whisked away. But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right.
Starting point is 00:55:28 Pretty lies let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today
Starting point is 00:55:57 we live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change, we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today We'll be you next time. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast comes at you directly supported by Patreon. People like Jasmine Hall, Robert Hanson, Kalia, Pacifist Crush, Kavash Chowdhury, Jacob M.H., Canyon Bridges, Faith 1350, Jay Wilson, Tristan Herrick, Victoria Hayes, Sam Huff, Spike, Tobias Suchala, Devas, Maeve, Alex Pollock, Elwin, Maggie, and Philippa. These are people who are helping to make this podcast possible. But don't get me wrong.
Starting point is 00:57:12 It's not like they're getting nothing in return. They're getting all kinds of bonus content, all kinds of audiovisual treats and goodies. Everybody at every level gets access to our bonus one shots, our live show recordings, our extra after show. We're deep in the labs right now, talking about what additional cool, sweet content we can hook you up with. The only way to find out, of course,
Starting point is 00:57:30 is supporting this podcast directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. We can get bonus content and ad free episodes and join our discord community. Speaking of live shows, two things are happening on that front this summer, July 7th through 9th. We're doing our first ever live show at Rooster Teeth Expo. You can get tickets at rtxaustin.com hint. It in austin we're gonna be doing our show on sunday we're hanging around all weekend so come on down check it out and that's not all later on this summer which is
Starting point is 00:57:52 by the way looking at like last half of august is where we're targeting we're gearing up for some west coast tour dates there's gonna be more information to come out but you know like keep that in mind you want to know how you're gonna keep on top of all that stuff you're gonna be the first to know by following us on various social media platforms this got a new territory for us we have no idea if these shows are going to sell out immediately like a taylor swift situation it's probably not going to be a taylor swift situation but you never know you do know it's not going to be a taylor swift situation but you're better safe than sorry you know follow us on twitter at dungeons and dads our website's dungeonsanddaddies.com our
Starting point is 00:58:23 merch is stored at dungeonsanddaddies.com and Our merch is stored at DungeonsandDaddies.com. And our subreddit is DungeonsandDaddies. Our next episode's coming out. I can't be right. Hold on. Is that really? Oh, my goodness. Yes, it is.
Starting point is 00:58:31 July 4th, America's birthday, baby. We'll see you then. No, not today. We live for tomorrow. Bake, steal, and borrow. Brave while we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say not today. No,
Starting point is 00:58:46 not today. I don't need to come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I just clicked a spell slot for the first time. Are you fucking kidding me? It's pretty cool that you can track this. In Dungeons and Dragons beyond.

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