Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 37 - Cut My Life Into Pizzas

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

The teens and the dads cross paths as they move to find the final anchor.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Fol...low us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. goth girl makeup on and that tape measurer in his hand. Well, the bullet is flying and it won't stop flying. Back of my brain and I hit the ground dying. Didn't make sense not to roll that dice. I knew this would happen, but it still ain't nice. So much to say to you, scary, so I hope that you can forgive me. I'll never know how you're going to grow.
Starting point is 00:00:43 You'll never know I love you so. Hey now, I'm your stepdad. Please don't be sad, be brave. Hey now, you're a strong girl. Fight the whole world, go slay. You're enough as you are. I'll be watching you from the stars. It's a cruel world, and they say it gets cooler.
Starting point is 00:01:06 You're happy because you commune with the doodler. But the Stampler man begs to differ. Only one more anchor left to deliver. And don't hate Grant, he's struggling. Trying to resist what his caller's been saying. My friends aren't crying, how about yours? Hope you pull together and you find a way forward. Hey now, I'm your stepdad.
Starting point is 00:01:24 Please don't be sad, be brave. Hey now, I'm your stepdad. Please don't be sad, be brave. Hey now, you're a strong girl. Fight the whole world, go slay. You're enough as you are. I'll be watching you from the stars. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. It is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world stuck in hell. And then they got out, and now they're in another hell. They're trying to fix this world that their grandparents screwed up, but boy, oh boy, there's a lot of steps along the way to that path my name is the conceit isn't as clear this season the conceit is not as clean i admit that that's on me that's me that's no no for a
Starting point is 00:02:14 while it's like as fun as like the pitch is different every time but as the board goes on the barbara's like fraser's not listening to the episodes i can i can clean up the old saga. Freddie's like, welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, a D&D podcast about how only the dead have seen the end of war. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:02:36 You do? The always attentive and listening ranger, anime loving. Don't you have pretty eyes and a pirate smile and a heart of gold? Don't cut that. Don't say that about a kid a pirate smile and a heart of gold? You know, don't cut that. Don't say that again.
Starting point is 00:02:49 You don't have to say any of that stuff. You can just take one look at his shining, beaming face. This was Taylor fact, little meta Taylor fact this week. I never met a Taylor fact. I didn't like. Freddie was planning on having Taylor maybe change his voice, you know, right around, I would say this episode. But given the events of the previous episode,
Starting point is 00:03:06 it seems wildly inappropriate. I became a man. Yeah, you know? Wait, are you also planning to spring a voice drop on us? This is pretty wild. It happens. Steal the spotlight from Beth.
Starting point is 00:03:17 Just go full in on the voice. Just make it all about you. That's fine. Guys, I got some feelings you gotta work through. Wait, so wait, what's the actual fact, though? The fact is that you're just not doing that? That's working smarter, not harder.
Starting point is 00:03:31 No, the fact is this. Shit. I never have to think of a fact. The fact is this. The fact is when he jumped off the building doing the cool front flip as planned last episode, done so perfectly and so well,
Starting point is 00:03:42 he swallowed a bug, which delayed his biological voice drop for at least one more episode hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group homeschool i figured i'd go to a little home fact lincoln did only play soccer in the backyard with his two dads and again they were very protective didn't want to go in the outside world. They did, however, try to do AYSO once, which for those of you who don't know, that's like kid soccer league.
Starting point is 00:04:11 American Youth Soccer Organization. Yeah. I don't know what it would be called in our world. Anthony, what crazy name. They call it Foot Kids. Foot Kids. Foot Kids. So he wanted to join the American Foot Kids Association.
Starting point is 00:04:26 Real quick. Sorry, Matt. Really quick. We didn't have ASO or AY. So what is the age range there? Oh, it's like all ages. They have like essentially up until high school. So there's like different groups.
Starting point is 00:04:34 There's like Cub Scouts. Anyways, it wasn't Lincoln's fault. He played one game. Both Marco and Grant got red cards and kicked out of the game. Oh, no. The kid tackled Lincoln. Grant went ape shit. Like, was going after the kid.
Starting point is 00:04:48 Was like, well, this guy's intense. The dad got in. They got into a fight. Then Marco defended Grant. And they both got thrown out. And Lincoln just, they said, oh, just keep playing. But then, you know, out of a show of solidarity, Lincoln, like, kicked the ball really angrily
Starting point is 00:04:59 and walked off with his dad. Yo, did he get a red card for that? Yeah, he got kicked out. Dude, like, yo, get out of here. But it wasn't really his. So the ref handed out. The whole team. You're telling me that the ref handed out, in did he get a red card for that? Yeah, he got kicked out. Dude's like, yo, get out of here. But it wasn't really his. So the ref handed out. The whole team. You're telling me that the ref handed out
Starting point is 00:05:07 in a match three red cards, Matt? Yeah, just for the Lee Wilsons. Whoa. They're banned. It's a league record. So, you know, that's why Grant shoots people with snipers. He's got a temper. Interesting pivot.
Starting point is 00:05:18 Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normally Lee Oaks, Wallows, Garcia, Marlo, Wilson, the unworthy. Oh, yes. We're still married. Yeah, it's still going on. Is that what being married's like? You're just like, wow, I play normally Lee Oaks, Wallows Garcia, Marlo Wilson, the unworthy. Oh, yes, we're still married. Yeah, it's still going on. Is that what being married's like?
Starting point is 00:05:28 You're just like, wow, I'm still married. Every day, still fucking married. Every day. Still you, huh? Woo! Fun fact about Normal this week. I want to talk about Normal's cool piece of jewelry he's been wearing this entire time.
Starting point is 00:05:39 Oh, shit. Okay. When he was a little kid, his grandmother, Mercedes Oak Garcia. Swear to God. She's kind of low-key psychic, and she had this intuition, and she gave him for his sixth birthday
Starting point is 00:05:51 this beautiful, way too expensive for a kid, diamond-encrusted piece of jewelry. And she was like, wear this on you always, and it'll save a life someday. And he always was like, all right, I guess. Weird, whatever, grandma. Amazingly, he's never lost it. His parents were like, were like all right it's a big responsibility but he kept it on every day it was real smelly he never washed it and then finally so smelly the very recently he realized
Starting point is 00:06:15 what it was for when he realized that it was worth exactly 300 gold pieces and it's made of diamonds and it's the component you need to cast the spell revivify. That's what she was selling him all those years ago. And he used it on Brad Schmeg and he doesn't have it anymore and he can't craft Revivify on anyone. Oh, shit. I cannot thank you enough, Will. Also, second to add fact, Normal's voice is already dropped. Before it dropped, it sounded like this.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Mickey Mouse vibes. Maybe we do a flashback. Anthony, can I change my fact? Sure. Because of the red card situation, they felt really bad. Grant gave Lincoln
Starting point is 00:06:50 a diamond necklace that he's been wearing his entire time. Yeah. It seemed like a soccer ball. It was like a diamond soccer ball. Sure. It cost 300 gold pieces.
Starting point is 00:06:59 Roll investigation, you'll find out that shit is cubic zirconium. No, he never wore it. It's just in his dresser at home. Okay. Okay. Okay. You have a dad fact power right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the most powerful you have.
Starting point is 00:07:11 I hear what you're saying, and here it goes. I'm Beth May, and I play Terry Marlowe, and she's a hardworking soccer star whose mom's her best friend, and fun fact, Terry doesn't really like poetry. She's not read a lot. So reading that poem was really interesting. She didn't
Starting point is 00:07:31 really get it, but her favorite poem is by Shel Silverstein. It's called Monsters I've Met. I met a ghost, but he didn't want my head. He only wanted to know the way to Denver. I met a devil, but he didn't want my soul. He only wanted to borrow my bike a while. I met a vampire, but he didn't want my blood. He only wanted two nickels for a dime. I keep meeting all the right people at all the wrong times. Terry just thinks that's so cute how the monsters weren't monsters when she met them. So I mean, whoever met them, not that she would ever meet a monster.
Starting point is 00:08:05 The end. Wow, that's super poignant. That's great. Yeah, that mean, whoever met them, not that she would ever meet a monster. The end. Wow, that's super poignant. That's great. Yeah, that's great. Could have used that necklace. Oh, yeah, and then she also has... And how much
Starting point is 00:08:13 does she like that poem? Like, if it was expressed in an object she maybe owned? By the way, fun fact, did you know that one gold piece translates to 490 US dollars? Jesus, really?
Starting point is 00:08:23 Yeah. That's like a... That's like a PS5. That's like a PS5. You can find one. A PS5 is more valuable than gold these days. I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad.
Starting point is 00:08:32 Hey, papa. Something occurred to me like three to four months ago. I don't know how it happened. I think it was just Gen Z just doing it. But I heard a lot more 9-11 jokes starting about three or four months ago. And I don't know
Starting point is 00:08:47 emotionally what to do with that. But I can guarantee you that as a bunch of millennials, we're not Gen Z. We have more of a connection to that event. I can guarantee you we will do no more
Starting point is 00:08:55 than five 9-11 jokes in any given episode. And I just want you to know that you are safe. Yeah. I did hear a really good one. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, I want to hear it. Nice shirt, Beth. Ring, I did hear a really good one. Okay, yeah, I want to hear it.
Starting point is 00:09:05 Nice shirt, Beth. Ring, ring. 2001's calling. Hello? Oh, God. So here's an alternate dad fact. This is Anthony. I'm your dad.
Starting point is 00:09:16 Hey, Dad. This is my second recording because my first dad fact was about 9-11. The episode that we just finished doing saw you trying to go get an anchor from what apparently was a Papa John's headquarters building. In your attempts to go get it, you inadvertently sort of walked backwards into the prophecy that Terry Sr. saw.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Prophecies. Terry Jr., I guess, saw in the die another day item that showed him how he was going to die. And it happened. He got shot in the back of the head by Grant, the sniper who you saw had a cuff around his neck, forcing him to do something that he didn't want to do.
Starting point is 00:09:56 He is now dead in front of Terry. And the Black Parade was rushing up to fight Terry because they thought that something had happened to their leader. The geography wise, it's Taylor and Link are down on the bottom because you tried to do a jumping backflip with a parachute. Front flip. Front flip, sorry, with a parachute. You ended up landing on the ground.
Starting point is 00:10:13 So we're 130 feet below. Yes, you're 130 feet below the base of the building that is overlooking this Papa John's building. And at the top of the building are Terry's corpse, Terry, Marlo, normally squalls oak garcia uh and the rest of your last name and then hermy and so the black parade is currently going up the stairs yes they are currently at the top of the stairs you were basically in a fight with them you briefly distracted them by like sending some water down their way or something along those lines of previous fight and terry jr was their new leader for three seconds for three seconds because he was so sad so taylor and link didn't see this at all i think you heard the gunshot
Starting point is 00:10:48 you just heard a gunshot but it's like 100 i mean really high you guys are busy right now because you're getting it's 13 stories of emo kids i'm just saying like i see a big building next to us like people could be killing each other right now and i wouldn't see it so like we're not seeing it okay plus i got a bug in my mouth yes so this guy you just met that you don't know very well is now dead in front of you terry how do you react to that what are the vibes terry walks to the edge of the building and looks down to where she can see link and taylor and she says okay guys we've got a really bad situation oh god um what's going on terry so the guy guy, Mr. Sampler Jr. is, well, like he's, okay, here's the thing. Let's all turn out our pockets and see if we can solve the problem.
Starting point is 00:11:30 We're going to know something a little faster, Terry. No, this is important. We all need to turn out our pockets and see if we can solve the problem. What's the problem? He's dead. What? Terry's dead, dude. He got shot.
Starting point is 00:11:40 Terry feels like, you know that feeling when you go to bed and you think you might be getting sick or something like that? She feels like that kind of feeling in her throat. She doesn't know where it's coming from. Like a tickle? A tickle. A scratch. Are we surrounded by them, or can we start trying to run up the stairs even though we'll end up meeting...
Starting point is 00:11:56 You're surrounded by them, but you can push your way through them like a mosh pit. We can start throwing bows, bro. Yeah, you can start throwing elbows. Yeah, I mean, Link, the moment you say he's shot, Link wants to push to the crowd and try to get up there. And Taylor just grabs onto the back of your collar and you are clearing out in front while he goes, Link, just like without, like, you are Legolas
Starting point is 00:12:11 and I am the horse. And I'm running and you just, like, wrap up my neck and get onto a piggyback ride. Why don't you give me a strength check? 18. Okay, great. So, yeah, you managed to elbow your way past the sad boys and sad girls and sad babies.
Starting point is 00:12:24 RRR style is what we're doing. Yeah, exactly. That's like the beginning of RRR. So you are ascending the staircase with some degree of speed. So what are you doing, Terry? Something about turning out your pockets? Yeah, she looks in her pockets and she finds this hat. It looks like a stocking, but it's a hat.
Starting point is 00:12:40 It's like an old-timey like a scrooge hat. Yeah, like a scrooge hat. I think she puts it on just to have her hands clear so she can keep looking in her pocket. She instantly falls asleep and falls to the ground. Crumples. In your mind palace, in your mindscape, suddenly Terry finds herself across from
Starting point is 00:12:57 a handsome older man who's like, Hey, what's up? You're asleep right now? Was it, you okay? Is everything okay? Terry feels like she's woken up from a coma or something. No, not Terry. Scary.
Starting point is 00:13:12 Feels like she's woken up from the worst hungover sleep ever. Feels like she's coming back into being after like just being gone for a really, really long time. So yeah, he goes, there's my girl. What's up? What just happened? I think something bad just happened. Not to you though, right? What?
Starting point is 00:13:32 I was not to you. I was very specific about nothing bad happened to you. Yes, no, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was wondering if you could, you know, they got the point. They were scared, right? So like, just wake them up. Wake who up? Wake what up? You know, fucking Terry, just, you know, just wake them up and
Starting point is 00:13:51 just like, we got, we got the point. Uh, so what, what happened to Terry? Oh yeah. Maybe you didn't know or you must've known because, because you put those collars on. Yeah, I just put a collar on Grant that said, stop all of them except for scary. What did he do? He killed Terry. Whoa, shit. Yeah. That's fucked up. I know, I know, I know.
Starting point is 00:14:17 Yeah, so if you could just, I mean, if you could just, yeah, I know it's like, you know, I hated him or whatever, but I... Yeah, he sucked. He was kind of a waste of time. But if you could just wake him up, that would be... Then I'll go back and I will get the anchor for you. Oh, like revive. Oh, you're... Oh, okay. Yeah. Sometimes this happens with people where it's like, I don't care. And then they die. And you're like, no, I care. Well, no, I mean, it's not like I care. It's like...
Starting point is 00:14:43 Oh, good. Okay. Yeah. That would be embarrassing for you. Yeah. You know what? Why don't you come on back? Just go to Grant. He'll bring you back to me and then I'll, I'll revive him. No problem. Bring, bring, bring Terry to Grant. No, you leave Terry where he is. I'll get to him eventually. But yeah, no, just head to Grant and then we can come back. Grant and Lark and Sparrow are going to get the last anchor and then you can come back with them. then once we're done you know dealing with the doodler i can go back and revive because i'll have all the doodlers powers and stuff like that so i can go back and i can revive them and i can make sure your friends are safe or whatever but yeah just ditch them and go to the adults okay and you're i don't know why i would think this but you're not you're not trying to trick
Starting point is 00:15:22 me or anything right would you like to roll insight? 19. Whoa! He is lying to you. He has no interest in bringing back Terry or doing any of that once he has the power that he wants. So, sure, I'll... Why can't you do it now? Because there's a lot at stake right now, kiddo. I know, and I've done a lot for you, man.
Starting point is 00:15:42 Because there's a lot at stake right now, kiddo. I know, and I've done a lot for you, man. I've been like your good little soldier, and I haven't gotten a ton in return sometimes. You haven't gotten a ton. Oh, this is fun. That's really funny that you actually say that, because I was thinking that you haven't done fucking shit while you've been in my protection,
Starting point is 00:16:01 because I've kept you safe this whole time, and what did you do? Well, I am the one who killed the first anchor. So go me the one point for me. And then the second and third anchors, you what, what happened with those? Nothing. You didn't manage to destroy them the way that we were supposed to destroy them. So you kind of just sat on your fucking hands and let the other ding dongs sort of handle everything. So that's sort of minus couple points to you. So honestly, the fact that we're even having this conversation, you're welcome. I'm going to keep you safe for whatever happens with the doodler. And I'm going to keep
Starting point is 00:16:29 you safe from those idiots who keep getting you into trouble. So if you ever want to talk to me like that again, go ahead and consider the ramifications of what's going through your mind and out of your mouth. So I'll just give you that and we'll call that a final warning. you that and we'll call that a final warning. Final warning. Okay. Well, I'm warning you that if you don't bring Terry back, I won't be doing anything for you anymore. Roll either persuasion or intimidation, whichever you would like. I have a plus seven to intimidation, but I got a four. So with an 11, I'll have him roll for insight. He got a four.
Starting point is 00:17:12 What a loser. These two kids just can't understand each other. His eyes get a little bit big and he believes you. He truly believes for the first time that unless he does something for you, you will actually not help him. And he scratches his salt and pepper beard and he goes, huh, I don't have to be nice about this. I've been really nice. Ask anybody. I'm a nice guy. Ask Taylor's mom. I'm a nice guy. I don't have to be nice about this. If you wanted, I could just go there right now, grab you by the scruff of the fucking neck and throw you in front
Starting point is 00:17:44 of the doodler and then we could get this done either way. Now, if you want to be a little shit about it, then sure, you can whine and complain, and then eventually you'll end up doing what I want anyway. But I would prefer for things to go by a lot more gracefully and a lot more friendly than they have been. So this is going to be the way things go. You're going to take off this hat. You're not going to put it on again. We have nothing to say to each other until you're back in front of me in person. You're going to go to Grant, Lark, and Sparrow.
Starting point is 00:18:11 You're going to help them destroy the last anchor. And then you're going to come back to the Forgotten Realms with them. Cool? Cool. And he snaps his fingers and you wake up. You're going to... Normal is frantically over Terry's body,
Starting point is 00:18:24 freaking out, trying to do anything he can to fix this just like fuck fuck guys what could just come on well he's it's come on so even the black parade near you is taken aback by what just happened and they're freaking out because they didn't expect something that violent to happen so the ones near you are no longer trying to struggle to do anything with scary or terry they're just sort of standing there fuck i can fix this i I need diamonds. Give me diamonds. I'm not fucking getting around.
Starting point is 00:18:47 I had a thing and I used it. I don't have it anymore. We can do something about this. Normal, I don't think you can do anything, man. Fuck! I mean, this is what I wanted, right? What? This is what I...
Starting point is 00:19:01 This is what I said. No, but come on, Scary. That's not... that's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We're going to, it's all going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Like we can figure this out.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Um, I can't remember if I said anything to him. Normal, like has his hands on scary. And I just look to Grant. Yeah. Help. Well, we come in. I mean, I'm going to run over and i look and i guess i see terry on the ground yes if any of you would like to roll perception with yeah i'm going to take all that
Starting point is 00:19:30 yeah i'm gonna take a moment to look five you cannot take your eyes away from the body i got an 18 by the way oh at 18 okay i got 21 on perception after looking at the body and looking around to see where it came from so normal normal and Link, you see movement from the other roof where the gunshot came out from. And you see a zip line get shot out of a gun towards the Papa John's building. And the same man twice gets on the zip line and heads down,
Starting point is 00:19:57 followed by what looks to be Grant with a sniper rifle slung over his back. And they start descending into the Papa John's. Does Grant look or anything? Is there any... Have you ever looked at somebody who looks like they're trying very hard not to look at you? He's got that look. That's what you look like all the time when I'm looking at you. Yeah. Here's the fact that you can use for the dad fact. So my dad fact is not once in the three years of recording this, have I ever looked anyone in the eye while we were talking? No,
Starting point is 00:20:20 not once. It's very comforting. I don't know how to do it. It's easy for me to focus not looking at people. I lean down to Scary real quick. Scary? Yeah. It's okay. Here, I turn her away from the body. I go, we have to move. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:20:34 You've been somebody else. I don't know why I can't be her again. We'll figure that out. You are her. And as her, you said you loved your dad. And I know you did. And he knew it too. But that's not changing anything right now.
Starting point is 00:20:46 We have to get out of here. OK, can I just have like I don't really care, but can I have like five more minutes? Yeah, OK, normal. Just everybody block the door. Hermie, like stop them from coming up. Not a problem. Not a problem. And he runs down and you can hear the sound of him doing his best scary impression, basically
Starting point is 00:21:04 telling everybody to chill and that it would be the most emo and the most deep and dark if they could just stay in the stairwell and not do anything for a little while. Scary stands up and stops looking at Terry. She closes her eyes. She's like, stop caring. Stop caring. Stop it. Stop it.
Starting point is 00:21:23 Okay. Let's do this. I cast Dimension Door. I can teleport myself from a current location to any other spot within range. You arrive at the exact spot desired. It can be a place you can see, one you can visualize, or one you can describe by stating distance and direction,
Starting point is 00:21:40 such as 200 feet, straight downward. I teleport myself to where Grant is. Whoa! Shit, what? Okay, so you were right behind him on the zipline. For a second, you fall, so you can choose to either grab onto the zipline or grab onto Grant. I'll grab onto Grant. Okay, so you were sort of hanging onto him like a backpack now, and he goes,
Starting point is 00:22:04 what the fuck? Megan's aghast, because definitely when he was telling everybody, the next thing he did was climb over the edge and was looking at where they're going, and then he just sees Scary appear over there, way off in the distance. Go ahead and roll Dexterity. See if you can hang on to him as he tucks and rolls. 10 plus 3, 13.
Starting point is 00:22:19 Okay, so you dexterously jump off of him and land next to him, and he stops and he looks at you. His eyes meet yours and for a second, he looks like he's about to say something and then he averts his gaze immediately. And you can see that there were a lot of things that Willie was lying about, but he was not lying about what was on his collar.
Starting point is 00:22:36 The thing on his collar just says, stop all of them except for scary. And real quick, just to clarify, we don't know what the anchor is here. We just know where it is. Yeah, you just know it's here somewhere. Normal might know with an arcana role like exactly what you're looking for when i see you though i scream out over the buildings i go scary no he's dangerous get away from him he's not gonna hurt me what he's not gonna hurt me i can't i can't hear something like i don't
Starting point is 00:23:01 know he's really he's gonna go we to go there. He's going to go. We got to go. We got to go, guys. We're back into the comedy podcast. And we mobilize. Okay. Meanwhile. So he goes, what are you doing here? I need the anchor. So do we.
Starting point is 00:23:12 That's what we're here for. Yeah, you're doing a really great job. You just fucking killed somebody. I'm not happy. I didn't know that's what I would do. I didn't think I would do that. I thought I would just use my words or something. He punches him in the face.
Starting point is 00:23:24 Okay. Oh, I didn't know I was going to do that either. Oh, weird. That's great. Roll damage. The three teens are just running down the stairs like, oh God, I hope he doesn't hurt her. Oh gosh.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Oh gosh. In the staircase, Taylor's like, I just came down, then we're up, then we're down. Pick one. Slowly you're beginning to understand the appeal of the up-down machine. That's one damage, I guess. Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:44 It's fine. That's enough to fucking surprise him and wake him up and he looks gobsmacked because i guess he just literally was gobsmacked he was godsmacked he's got yeah so you punch him right in the fucking face he recoils for a second more in shock than in pain and you go i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm really sorry i didn't mean i'm sorry what was your plan to get the anchor we were were going to come in here and kill Papa John and take it out of his heart. Cool. That sounds like a good plan.
Starting point is 00:24:07 Let's do it. Okay. Lark says, what we're looking for is downstairs in the center of the building, in the heart of the building. Anything that's bigger than you made of cheese, you take it down. Are you sure you want her to come with us? What do you want? And Grant looks at you and he goes, I feel like this is your call.
Starting point is 00:24:21 I don't care. Let's do it. Okay, great. Yeah, she's coming with us. And Lark goes, okay, and tosses you a shotgun. Cool. He takes it off his back, tosses it to you. And Sparrow's like, I don't know if that's the...
Starting point is 00:24:32 We'll bring up the rear, okay? And Sparrow goes back with you as Lark kicks open the door and you just hear a lot of gunfire on the other side and the sound of large sentient slices of pizza being knocked down. Really fucked up the tone of large sentient slices of pizza being knocked down really fucked up the tone of this season didn't I really made some decisions
Starting point is 00:24:48 that I would go back and change now but yeah you hear gunfire and the thudding of mozzarella getting hit by bullets
Starting point is 00:24:56 of marinara hitting the ground yeah so Sparrow goes like we could just stay here actually while they handle usually Lark is pretty good at this stuff if you want to just
Starting point is 00:25:04 chill here I don't think they're going to need us that badly. And he tries to close the door behind. No, I think we should go. Okay. I think we should do this after you go ahead. Okay. And so he opens the door and like still looking over his shoulder at you kind of walks out and takes out a little pistol, just sort of holds it at his side the path forward has been carved through pretty handily by grant and lark now the rest of the group what are you all climbing up mount doom great on our own separate adventure okay where are we at with the black parade or the black parade are all stunned into silence by either watching the violence that just happened or permea scary telling them to stop what they're doing. So they are no longer an issue. And I saw where I mean, I guess it's just how long does it
Starting point is 00:25:48 take us to get there? Because if I was watching Grant, I saw where she went. So we're just running towards there. You're running towards the building as you run towards. That's where I'm running. As we're running, normal gets a glance back at the Black Parade and he skids to a hall and says, wait, guys. And I turn back to the Black Parade and I say, look at you. Look what happened to your leader. Join us. Get in there and kick some pizza ass. Go ahead and roll persuasion with advantage. I got a 19. Wow. Okay. With a 19. Oh, plus five. Oh, wow. Okay. So with a 24, they look down at the corpse of their erstwhile leader who was leader for about 15 seconds and they go when you think about it there's nothing more dark and metal than dying really suddenly so like we should
Starting point is 00:26:31 definitely follow his example we should go into battle he would want you to carry on nice nice yeah fuck it fuck it yeah let's do it yeah emos fucking go i guess and they're like i guess and then the mass of the black parade starts marching towards now technically does this make normal the leader of the beaten the broken and the damned as i lead them i'm just saying at this point scary is probably the beaten broken and the damned they're the fanboys of the beaten broken and damned and just to clarify we know the anchors in this building yes you know the anchors in this building. Yes, you know the anchors in this building. Normally, if you'd like to roll Arcana. Yes, I got a nine on Arcana.
Starting point is 00:27:11 Okay, so you can feel that the anchor you're searching for is in the marinara-strewn heart of this building, that in the center of the building. It's a panic room. Equidistant from you and the other faction trying to get in the building is a panic room. Shit, yeah, dog. I love a panic room puzzle, dog. It's a pizza panic ball pit.
Starting point is 00:27:24 It's a brick oven panic room. Yeah, it's a brick Panic Room puzzle, dog. It's a pizza panic ball pit. It's a brick oven panic room. Yeah, it's a brick oven panic room filled with balls. Casks of Amontillado. Yeah, it's a cask of Amontillado panic room and inside, Papa John has possession of this anchor somehow.
Starting point is 00:27:34 I like the thing that he's counting slices of pepperoni like money. That's fun. It's like some meaty slaps. The ladies in pizza bras just like to make sure.
Starting point is 00:27:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta get my cut. Don't take any home. He smells everyone on the way out. Yeah, he gives everybody good. Don't take any home. He smells everyone. He gives everybody good ones over when they leave. Funny podcast. Okay. You make it to the front doors.
Starting point is 00:27:52 How do you want to use the black braid? Do you want them to head in with you before you? Do you want to like have them all rush in and in the confusion in the melee, try to sprint your way out. Oh no. Normal's berserker rate. Normal's like fucking Aragorn charging at the legion of mount doom
Starting point is 00:28:07 right now normal using the shields just right behind them right behind them run behind like and uh normal tears streaming from his face charges brazenly through the front door with the army right at his back i cast protection from evil and good uh normal essentially he's protected from celestial's elementals i would argue that all the pizza yes they're pizza elementals i'm gonna gesture to hermy okay hermy yes crazy shit went down if i give you a signal you rally anyone you can get and burn this building to the ground with you in it i won't be in it if my i guess yeah if i saw your signal i would be able to tell whether you were in it or not.
Starting point is 00:28:45 There's going to be a... Jesus. It's really important to me that you're still on my back, so you, like, turn around and I'm running and you're having this conversation right behind me as Hermes is running behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm reverse straddling against the back of you.
Starting point is 00:28:57 If you... Just wait for my signal, okay? Yes, I will take a contingent of the Black Parade to set fire to the outside of this building. There's something in your DNA that makes you think that setting fire to large groups of people is always going to be a good plan. So let's see if it actually works this time. Yes, happily. It's Hermes' DNA, too.
Starting point is 00:29:14 So Hermes also thinks it's a good idea. Oh, yeah, I guess they're related. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I love this idea. He stops him before he even finishes a sentence. He just goes, fire. Set fire.
Starting point is 00:29:22 Yeah, set fire. No problem. So he takes about 20 of the Black Parade and they start running. Arsony looking motherfuckers. Yeah, so the most arsony looking burned ass motherfuckers and starts finding kindling and gasoline and other things that they can use to surround the building with. And so Hermie and that group are now off screen doing that until the time comes. You're welcome, Anthony.
Starting point is 00:29:38 Thank you. So you bust your way into the bottom floor of the Papa John's building and you immediately come upon what looks to be about a dozen piece of soldiers. They're backs to you because they are heading upstairs following the sound of gunfire. So you actually have them at a disadvantage. So in the surprise round, what would you like to do? Normal, because you're the first one through the door. Normal just looks to the fucking army behind me to slaughter them. That's great.
Starting point is 00:30:05 Somewhere a few stores up, Lark is like, huh, that felt good. Why do I feel good somehow? And Sparrow's like, oh no. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:30:11 I'm going to cast Flame Strike, which is the new fifth level spell I got. Yo. A vertical column of divine fire roars down from the heavens
Starting point is 00:30:20 in a location you specify. Every creature in a 10 foot radius, 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point must make a dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 46 fire damage heavens in a location you specify every creature in a 10 foot radius 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point must make a dexterity saving throw a creature takes 46 fire damage and 46 radiant damage on a field throw or half as much so i'm just gonna aim at the heart of the pizza guys and fucking roast them so yeah there were a dozen of them this is gonna get let's say seven of them
Starting point is 00:30:38 okay i love that you could absolutely do this you know like when pikachu does the lightning bolt and it comes out from the top it comes out from the it's like, better hope there's not a roof above. Yeah, no, you're definitely going to get the second floor as well. Forty feet up. So here we go. Failed. Save. Failed.
Starting point is 00:30:52 Save. Failed. Save. Failed. Save. Save. Failed. Save.
Starting point is 00:30:57 That guy. That guy's a fucking fucking cool man. Everybody except for one guy who dives out of the way in time takes 46 radiant damage, you said? 46 fire and 46 radiant damage. Jesus! I got 11 flame and 15 radiant damage. Wow, okay. 26 damage.
Starting point is 00:31:13 26 damage each. You watch as six pizza soldiers are burnt to a crisp in front of you, like the worst burnt, most blackened pizza you've ever seen. It just happens right in front of you. Some of you order Little Caesars? Yeah, they just curl up in front of you in these blackened husks and they fall down ready's here freddy what's the zone of darkness or whatever you have oh yeah yeah it's a clarification like how does that spell i have a spell matthew it's called darkness it was that magical darkness from a point i choose within range fill a 15 foot radius sphere because i
Starting point is 00:31:42 have a spell that like stops you from being blind. So I guess that doesn't count. If I now darkness and blindness or do different things. I like the combinatorics though. So let's say that works. Like you just had a fun idea. I don't want to tell you no darkness cause he's on my back and then I'll touch him and make him non blind. So he could see. So then we're just running.
Starting point is 00:31:58 I just want to sprint as quickly as I can to the center of the building. I like that combo. That's fun. Okay. So even though it doesn't make sense and I know it's not correct we're still gonna do it nice communicate to me my stallion go dark go dark bravo six going dark and i go and i cast with your mouth you make that noise yes of course you're not telling me that seal team six has never like i was on seal team six you know what i'm saying once i would be like hey guys we're
Starting point is 00:32:26 going dark i would press the button and i'll go and i cast darkness okay and i center it on lincoln's head okay cool so you have a moving sphere of darkness and when it says you touch a creature can i touch myself yeah okay so then i'm gonna touch I'm not going to touch lesser. I thought Lincoln was Catholic. You will go to hell now when you die. It doesn't matter if you've been baptized or not. I'm going to use my spell. So I'm going to cast lesser restoration. So I'm no longer blind,
Starting point is 00:32:55 which is the way the DM says the spell can work. Yes. And so now I can see through this orb of darkness. Yeah. Your fucking eyes go white. You're immediately blinded by all of the burning pizza. That's fucking throwing light up into your night vision. But I run 30 feet per second.
Starting point is 00:33:09 Ooh, okay. So I sprint, and as I run past... You can't hear anything, though, because Taylor is like, Wah! Wah! Wah!
Starting point is 00:33:16 I run past Normal, and I go, Hold him back, brother. Hold what? Who? What? Aren't you fighting? You're fighting!
Starting point is 00:33:22 So I'm sprinting. I'm just sprinting past the fight. I don't want to get in this whole fight. I'm sprinting past the fight i don't want to get this whole fight sprinting past the fight that's great yeah and i think with the surrounded by i want to go through like 20 rounds of combat to all these pizza guys yeah i think since you're also surrounded by darkness up the staircase yeah you don't have to take a tax opportunity i got you that's fun so yeah i get it there are five floors to this building you have sprinted up to the second floor meanwhile meanwhile the pizza that dove out of the way is watching this sphere of darkness
Starting point is 00:33:46 move away. He goes like, I wonder if there's something in the middle of that. John's like on his security camera and he just sees his like orb of black. He's like, yeah, he's like,
Starting point is 00:33:54 so what's coming? Yeah. He's just screaming at his fucking staff. You're on the first floor. Lincoln and Taylor just ran up to the second floor. All the adults and scary are now on the fourth floor. And you can sense that the baddie is on the third floor. Papa John and the anchor on the second floor. All the adults and Scary are now on the fourth floor, and you can sense that the baddie is on the third floor. Papa John and the anchor are on the third floor.
Starting point is 00:34:09 Scary, Wark, Sparrow, and Grant are murdering their way down through several puzzles that I had set up. They're so smart. Yeah, they just shoot it. That trick actually works in escape rooms too, by the way. You just start breaking things. You can win any escape room with a gun.
Starting point is 00:34:25 Sparrow's like, hey, just while they're doing all that, I just wanted to just sort of check in emotionally with you and see where you're at, Scary, because I know that you didn't have the best relationship with your stepfather, but he loved you a lot, and I know that that can have an effect. Shut up. Okay, shutting up. Or I guess, I don't care,
Starting point is 00:34:42 tell me something about him then. Oh, well, um, because you knew him, right? I did. I did. I knew, I knew him pretty well. Not that this matters, but he couldn't have kids.
Starting point is 00:34:51 So when he met your mom, he, I, and Grant were the only ones who really kept talking. Lark and Nikki sort of fell out of our group and we were on a group chat and stuff. And he was talking about how, uh, how excited he was to meet somebody and how you seemed like a really smart young woman.
Starting point is 00:35:06 And he was hoping that he could win you over eventually. And he reminded him of the relationship he had with his own stepdad, a friend of mine named Ron, who I think died. It's unclear. He may have died. But yeah, he just said you reminded him of him when he was younger,
Starting point is 00:35:22 which I think was more or less a good thing. He was a good guy. I've known him since he was a kid. We were kids together and uh well that's a long story cool i don't think i want to hear anymore okay we don't have to that's fine do you want to um maybe close your eyes for this next part there's just going to be a lot more violence and i don't know if you want to i'm down for the violence. I'm down with the sickness. Okay. Let the poppers hit the floor.
Starting point is 00:35:47 Is that something? Nevermind. All right. So we go back to the other group. Are we going to do a whole scene with just Hermie and all the other ones? Just Hermie and the ones outside? Okay, everybody. Get the most flammable things you can find.
Starting point is 00:36:01 No, that's propane. That's not flammable. That's different. Hey, why are we listening to this guy? I'm so sad all the time. Why are doing this should we just go no you know what be the most meaning meaningless and not caring thing is burning it all down fuck it it's like capitalism good idea what a scene the second floor is more baddies who fail to see you because you're within this big weird orb of darkness and they're freaking out yeah league is just running full speed he's like a magnet to
Starting point is 00:36:29 grant that is all he is going towards yeah they don't know what to do about the fact that a large orb of darkness is heading toward them some will probably take pot shots and they will okay one of them got a crit hits taylor off of the back that's fun yeah you get swatted off the back of they call the swat team on me they hit you with a pizza cutter the flat end of a pizza cutter and it separates you from lincoln's back and you fall out of the sphere of darkness and now everybody is now looking at you this human kid amongst a sea i roll i roll athletics to fall into a blade pose that's's a natural one. One plus one, two. Okay. Yeah, you fucking face first.
Starting point is 00:37:08 Right under your goddamn nose. You break your nose. And I look around the room. How many? There are ten pizza soldiers. You look up and you see the big orb of darkness skid to a halt and then run back to you.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Swallow you up in darkness. Wait, wait, wait. This is how it goes. This is how it goes. This is how it goes. I go, you see me? And I wipe the blood from my face, and Teddick looks around like,
Starting point is 00:37:33 10-1. And what was that? A pizza cutter? A most ignoble blade. Anyway, it should be a fair fight. Which one? And then at this point, they go, boop.
Starting point is 00:37:44 And then they go, vo go... And then they go... And then they're just gone again, I guess. Okay, so now they know that the kid that they were going to fight is inside the orb. So now they're going to chase you. Okay, I look back on my shoulders. How much damage did I take from that pizza cutter, by the way? Oh, 2d12. I'm going to do lay on hands on you.
Starting point is 00:37:57 I thought you were laying hands on yourself, bro. That's nine damage that I suffered. Lincoln, what are you doing? I pick him up and I go, we're not done yet. I I suffered. What are you doing? I pick him up and I go, we're not done yet. I had him. What are you doing? Put me back.
Starting point is 00:38:09 I had him. You never had me. You have your blade, right? Yes. I go helicopter. And as I'm running, I'm also going to be spinning. I want you to hold your blade out and just spin. So it's just a fucking swirling spiral. Yeah, that's an unstoppable move.
Starting point is 00:38:24 This is Elisa Simpson whirling her arms motion. Like you can't look towards you. And if you get hit, it's your own fault. Yeah. And I'm going to knowing that now there's a chance of him getting hit. This is what I want to do. I pick up Taylor and I strap him to my back like so that he can't fall off. Like he might die.
Starting point is 00:38:39 He might fall limp dead behind me, but he's not falling off my back again. And I do lay on my hands and then i'm going to start running again okay so i i'm assuming this turn we're essentially stopped in space because i had to turn around yes that was your turn and then as taylor like spins around he draws his anime blade and he goes the strongest black blade in swordsmanship this is why i'm the swordsman with no peer and then and that's course, because he's spinning and it turns into Dracula Mihawk's insanely long sword from one piece. And this is, by the way,
Starting point is 00:39:09 as you hear it because it's spinning around, you're like, this is why I'm the best of the... Okay. So I healed you full, Freddy. I have like 24 more.
Starting point is 00:39:19 Oh, no, how much? Because I'm actually pretty low. I healed you 12. Oh, great. I have 45 lay on hands per long rest. Okay, great. Okay, so it sounds like give me an attack roll with disadvantage,
Starting point is 00:39:28 but if you succeed, you'll hit everybody around you. Ooh. Ooh. Well, that first one's a 9 plus 5, 14. Okay. And the second one is also a 9 plus 5, 14. Oh, interesting. It's because he's spinning so fast.
Starting point is 00:39:43 So their AC is 15. So you managed to get everybody to go like, whoa, and like step back and leap back as the whirling dervish. Here's what it is. The sword is too long. So the tip of it pokes out of this black sphere and was like, well, I can see it coming.
Starting point is 00:39:56 It's like, here, that's coming. Oh, stay back. So you've made some space at the very least. Like you've managed to clear the path for just you two at least to the staircase. And then I whisper to Link, I go, Link, this blade is so sharp, I don't even feel the bodies of the enemies I am slaying. And I can see, so I see that he's not hitting anybody.
Starting point is 00:40:13 And I'm just like, how many bodies lay at our feet, my friend? Like corn, you're harvesting corn, my friend. And you see they're falling like grains of wheat. And then Taylor, emboldened, grips the sword a little stronger. As the side of the stock sweeps through the corn. This pizza's falling like corn. I'm glad you can't see what I see. Okay, meanwhile, in the news of people who are actually doing a lot of violent work,
Starting point is 00:40:44 we go down to normal so normal you've got four more of these dudes on the same floor as you and there are a full 10 on the second floor that taylor and link are fighting through something has broken in normal and all of his rage is spilling out right now like all the fucking shit that has been bottled up for him just fucking taking l after l it's just it's all coming out and he's taking it out on these pizza guys. Can I ask something, uh, William,
Starting point is 00:41:08 uh, not to bring up, you know, uh, sore subjects, but does the fact that Lincoln Taylor just having a super rowdy time without you again, does that add to that part bottled up?
Starting point is 00:41:19 That's one last bottle to shatter when things are ready to get real fucking rowdy is that his friends have bailed on him to have their own fucking adventure one more time another fun road trip without their friend doing a fucking cheer move spinning each other around oh my god it's true how many are still on the first floor first floor still has four uncharted okay what's the toughest looking one so the toughest one is the one that doesn't rule dog the toughest one is the one that dove out of the way he's like a stuffed crust pizza he's like fucking so swole supreme yeah he's a supreme he's got vegetables got every fucking topping on him he looks like there's cheese in his crust normal shadow falls over stuffed crust pizza and i'm gonna cast fourth level inflict wounds on him
Starting point is 00:41:56 i don't say a fucking word i just cast this spell oh my god uh so that's a 6d10 necrotic damage jesus christ that is a spicy meal oh melee spell attack i gotta hit him first that's a 6d10 necrotic damage. Jesus Christ. That is a spicy me. Oh, melee spell attack. I got to hit him first. That's fine. All right. This would have been so cool. I got a 10.
Starting point is 00:42:14 With the modifier, you got a 10. Yes, I rolled a three. Oh, okay. So I stand over him and I'm like, pizza, it's time to feel pain. And I fucking shoot at him and I inflict wounds on the ground next to him. And you see how fucking hardcore it would have been if I had him. It was a warning shot, dog. It was a warning shot.
Starting point is 00:42:32 And I try to pretend that it was a warning shot afterwards. And I say, run. Oh, that's good. Roll intimidation. Actually, no, I don't do that. Normal's too pissed. I just go, fuck. Never mind.
Starting point is 00:42:49 OK, that's your turn, I guess. Yeah whatever the black parade is doing all right the black parade is going to just fall upon these remaining four guys and they are going to just start stabbing the shit out of them eat them okay i guess they can eat them if you want i mean you don't have to you're a dm no i mean that's that's cool it just feels a little bit more a little more feral than a bunch of sad boys would do did they eat people wasn't the whole black parade episode we were sneaking around didn't we like watch them eat people oh yeah you did watch them eat people i forgot about that people not pizza yeah the whole fear they have standards even cannibals when you pop a john so yeah they fall upon these dudes and start just stabbing away at them and i'm gonna have them roll as a group against the group of pizza boys down here.
Starting point is 00:43:27 Wow. With relatively little difficulty, the Black Parade falls upon the four remaining pizza soldiers and just tears them the fuck apart. A live action movie of this would look so cool. Just a bunch of emos tearing up pizza. Just big walking pizzas and teenagers screaming fuck as they shoot spells. While this is going on, he's in real life.
Starting point is 00:43:46 He just turns and walks up to the stairs. He's like, fucked it up. So fucking stupid. And one of the emo's is like, it's fine. Nobody saw it. Shut up!
Starting point is 00:43:52 All right, sorry. Okay, so you all are on the same level now. You're all on level two and you, Link, and Taylor are running towards the staircase to level three. Yep. And normal,
Starting point is 00:44:04 you have just gotten to the staircase level two so there are 10 how dizzy are you like i was gonna say you're gonna have to roll constitution if you want to keep doing it oh what if he does that ballerina move where it's like they whip their head around and they hold them they hold their head to their neck or to their shoulder practices like soccer jukes so often though like spinning is not a problem i'll do your stupid constitution check for you get advantage because the soccer spinning that you do so much spinning like yeah spinning 17 plus one i don't need that advantage all right 18 right not dizzy still not dizzy so if you want to do that attack again freddy with disadvantage yeah i'm just running to the third floor okay never mind that i mean
Starting point is 00:44:39 he can attack while i'm running i'm assuming because i'm just running you'll just hit fewer of the guys because you're near the exit you know what what I'm doing? I'm doing that butterfly move. You know what I'm talking about? When you go like over here. I'm doing the move right now but it's like a figure eight. You know what I'm saying? Pretty much any time
Starting point is 00:44:52 you pick up a pool cue you will do this move. The Darth Maul. Since I rolled okay on Constitution can we do this for our fight move or whatever as I'm running? As I'm spinning I'm signaling him
Starting point is 00:45:02 like a rhythm. I'm going swing, swing swing swing because i can see when he's about to oh that's fun somebody you're trying to just give him advantage on his like ac or something it'll undo his disadvantage nice just tug on my toes i'll just say i'll just that's the gayest thing i've ever heard in my entire life i don't know how else to put it i'm not saying that's a good thing or a bad thing it's just objectively the gayest fucking thing i've ever heard so i know when to sword these pizzas yeah no i was gonna say but no i've been laughing but link is to just focus on getting grand so yeah he's not talking or anything so yes he just nods when you say that and as he spins whenever he's
Starting point is 00:45:37 because he's like you're strapped in and like you're your toes are like your toes are like the armrests on a mech. You know? Bro, I was about to say, you're playing Virtua O.N. Remember that game with the two joysticks dogs? As I spin, I just squeeze your toes. Just the gayest fucking mecha of all time.
Starting point is 00:45:59 This little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home where his wife and family were murdered. You somehow managed to out homoerotic Neon Genesis Evangelion. Biggie went we we we all the way home Somehow managed to out homoerotic neon genesis evangelion Do is like rats do we start getting so effective that like your individual toes start like doing different swipes We power level this specific movement, all right So that now it's like literally he's playing my fucking big toe like a thumb stick on a ps5 These are like a split keyboard Holy shit, he's fucking like toggling my little fucking peaky
Starting point is 00:46:34 Dog he's playing co-op on my fucking toes right now. I'm just thinking like just like FIFA i'm just imagining their passes uh normal looks at this and sees it through the darkness somehow and says everybody's falling in love with everybody else but me and then i smash the wall and grab a fire axe and just start going to town on these fucking pizzas up here. Fucking great. You give me an attack, normal, and then you give me an attack, Taylor. And then normal, no advantage right there. No, no, you're... Mom, man!
Starting point is 00:47:11 Mom, man! Did you really? Dad drew 20, mom, man! Mom, man! Hell yeah! Yeah, baby! Dad's walking across the room to give me a high five. That's what I'm talking about.
Starting point is 00:47:23 So every... Beth, I'm so sorry. Dad didn't just kill somebody. Link would be enjoying this. But Matt is enjoying this. So you get to describe what happens. Both Freddie and Taylor's having the time of their life right now. So everything that you want to happen in that moment is,
Starting point is 00:47:36 is what happens. You, you whirling dervish of homoeroticism and pizza and video games and video games. So yeah, secretly every male fancy. Oh yeah, absolutely. Are you kidding? Sorting dudes with your bro. Normal sees this happen right after that. Basically, and pizza and video games and video games so yeah secretly every male fancy oh yeah absolutely are
Starting point is 00:47:45 you kidding sorting dudes with your bro normal sees this happen right after i basically i break the thing open get this fire axe out and by the time i turn around all the pizzas are dead because they just killed them and they're high-fiving with this move and so i just drop the axe on the ground and start crying yeah that sounds about right how long does the darkness last bro the darkness lasts your whole life if you fucking let it, dog. You should be bleeding the back brain. Yeah. Concentration up to 10 minutes.
Starting point is 00:48:10 Wow. Okay, so you're still in the darkness, but yeah, I feel like normal definitely saw through this. Oh, he's hearing it. It's even worse because I'm imagining it. And you're imagining it all. You're just like, that was a little ticklish. No.
Starting point is 00:48:23 He's not saying anything. And you just see like blood coming out of this black orb just like yeah the sound of a sword clash check out this move okay this move will be when you do that one god the most perverse thing i've ever heard so as hermy is scurrying around with the other members of the black parade trying to find a bunch of flammable material with which they can torch this entire building if they need to. They are confronted by some of the backup that Papa John called for. It's all very dramatic, and it looks like Hermes about to get killed, and the sword is about to come down. And then suddenly, Nikki. Oh no, I care so much about this. I know. Nikki close on a parachute that he opened far too late, so much so that he missed
Starting point is 00:49:03 every part of this episode and the previous episode. And the plummeting corpses of Steve-O and Rob Dyrdek. Yeah, that's what happened. Their plummeting ice-cold corpses actually land on the pizza warrior that's about to kill Hermie. And Nikki goes,
Starting point is 00:49:15 What'd I miss? And then Hermie goes, Well, actually, several things, and explains it. Nikki goes, Oh, that's really sad. I wouldn't have, if I'd known,
Starting point is 00:49:22 I wouldn't have been so, like, flippant about it. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm going to text my son and just tell him how much I love him. Yeah, I'm going to text my son real quick. Love you, son. I'll do anything for you.
Starting point is 00:49:29 Hermie goes, Nikki, man, you're the fire starter, surely. You and me, we'll find a way to burn this mother down. And Nikki goes, yeah, as long as it keeps me away from those fucking other ones. And he looks down at his stump of an arm. Both groups managed to make it to the third floor at more or less the same time. The third floor is pretty much entirely devoid of people,
Starting point is 00:49:45 save for a single room in the center that is surrounded by walls of meat. And you can see a small sign that says vegans only. And inside you can sense that Papa John is waiting, petrified, calling for reinforcements. Scary and Lark and Sparrow and Grant come down the stairs and meet eyes with Normal and Link and Taylor. Well, actually, they just see a big black sphere. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:50:10 They see a big black sphere and behind it a crying Normal. And Sparrow goes, are you okay? What's going on? I'm fine, Dad. I'm fine. No, I'm not fine. What the hell do you think is going on? Fair enough.
Starting point is 00:50:20 Yeah. Okay. I rub Taylor's feet to make him sheathe his sword. That's the control you like stroke across the flat of his foot and from the inside of the black sphere you hear like a and then a bunch of like pizza marinara sauce like flies out you see it come off to the side it goes like it's the full-on proper blade yeah this podcast might be the only thing without a visual
Starting point is 00:50:47 component to end up on wiki feed we decloak at this point right now i run i toss you off my back and i run straight to grant and i'm going to uh punch him in the face wow okay cool give me an attack roll i only get a 10 you throw a punch at him he catches your hand out of the air and he goes that's enough it's over it's time to go home no that you what's the point of protecting me if you kill all these people i didn't mean to i'm sorry it was an accident i didn't know that's what would happen what did you think would happen i don't know i thought i would talk to you all and stop you that way was that before or after you shot terry that you're gonna do that you're gonna talk to us terry yeah he shot terry holy shit it was before that was my plan before i
Starting point is 00:51:29 did look i didn't want this to happen wait your plan was to kill him no my plan was not kill him my plan was to stop you guys somehow i don't know it wasn't ever a choice i had willie got to us he put the collars on us he told these two to get the anchor no matter what and he told me to stop you guys somehow and apparently i'm such a fucked up piece of shit that my brain decided that the number one way to stop you was to kill one of you and keep the rest of you emotionally fucked up so that you wouldn't follow me and i'm sorry that your dad is broken okay i'm sorry link i really am but you need to go home now and we all need to finish this oh poor grant grant thinks he's the saddest most depressed kid in the whole world yeah you're not a kid
Starting point is 00:52:05 anymore you're a fucking adult I know dad that's great you're broken you want an explanation that's your explanation no actually when did I ask for an explanation I don't want an explanation you told me the first thing you said is like I get it but that's like you had plenty of choices this is a choice you're broken okay but you did a mistake and you did that so you can leave now like you're making a choice right now staying here go I don't want you here we can do this on our own i can't the caller's not gonna let me not stop you well i'm not letting you stop me so what are you gonna do you're gonna kill me don't make me do this i'm not making you do anything link it's not my choice it's the caller that's bullshit look we're gonna go in here i punch him again go ahead and roll see if you can do it 15 plus 5
Starting point is 00:52:42 oh okay that's gonna definitely hit him go ahead and roll damage that's just two because i was just doing with my hands okay well still pretty good he again recoils more in shock than in pain and he is going to try to grab you by the shoulders 18 is that dexterity yeah roll dexterity see if you can evade it nope that's an eight so he grabs you by the shoulders and he holds you grappled and And he says, just let them do what they have to do. And he nods over to Largen Sparrow. As he's kind of gesturing and has his hands full, can Taylor come up from behind and like just belt him in the old jewels?
Starting point is 00:53:13 Yeah, sure. So Taylor's going to wind up seeing his opportunity. I feel like you have advantage because he's- Turned around, yeah. From behind, Cobra Strike. Yes. Upward. Shoi Ruken, if you will.
Starting point is 00:53:24 Yes, go for it. 12 plus 5, 17. Okay, that's going to hit him. Go ahead and roll damage. You sure you can right into his beanbag? Unarmed Strike is a 2 for sure. So it's 2. Okay.
Starting point is 00:53:32 But, you know, give me like a... I mean, that's a debilitating strike. Yeah, that's bad enough that he loses his grip on his son and sort of doubles over in pain. And he goes, God damn it. Lark Sparrow, find a way to get in there. So there's a door before we're in... There's basically a big cube of meat. That's a panic room with seemingly no doors. And it says vegans only on the side. I think I'm just going to try to teleport in there
Starting point is 00:53:54 because I can imagine what it's going to be like. I mean, I bet that's pretty risky, but. Yeah. I mean, it'll be you and him alone, but yeah, go for it. I'm going to do this without telling anybody that I'm doing it. Great. So it just happens then. So you're just gone. Nobody even realizes you're gone. There's a loud pop as you disappear and the air rushes in to fill the vacuum that you were just in. And you pop into existence inside the meaty panic room of Papa John. And you can see Papa John is there with his veins hooked up to a bunch of different vats of cheese. And he's looking at a bunch of screens and looking at the destruction of all of his pizza soldiers. All his franchises are screaming for scary.
Starting point is 00:54:28 Yeah. Where'd she go? You know where she is, though. You are in there with Papa John. It's just you and him. And he goes, how did you get? You didn't even eat through the. Who are you?
Starting point is 00:54:35 I cast Blight on him. OK, what does Blight do? Necromantic energy washes over a creature of your choice that you could see within range, draining moisture and vitality from it. The target must make a constitution saving throw. the target takes 8d8 necrotic damage on a failed save you got a natural one whoa shit that should mean in my opinion full damage on all
Starting point is 00:54:57 eight so 8d8 would be 64 damage so he just takes 64 damage and you see the needles that were filling his veins with hot cheese like like explode out from his arms as his body contracts and gets drier and drier and you see cracks as the moisture begins to leave his body and he begins to shrink up and shrivel up and he goes no no stop oh i'm sorry did you have a delivery to make or something i take the shotgun i shoot shoot him. Oh my God. Okay, so you spray his face all over the interior of this room and he just fucking jerks
Starting point is 00:55:29 for a second and then he stops moving and finishes off what was left of his health. Normal walks in to the vegan only door because he's vegan. So it stops you
Starting point is 00:55:37 because there's a bunch of meat there. Oh, but it says vegans only. Yeah. It was a puzzle. Let me in, I'm vegan. It's like the club when they say, you know,
Starting point is 00:55:44 cool people. Your stomach rumbles. You have to be beyond me. I barf up my stomach to prove that I'm vegan. There's no meat in there. See? The door remains closed. Dad, how do we get in there?
Starting point is 00:55:55 A vegan has to eat their way through the meat. It was supposed to be an impossible door to go through because nobody who could eat their way through would still be vegan or something. It was trying to trap people in a paradox. So how are you going to get in? You're going to have to make a vegan eat all that meat. Again, before I knew that this is where Terry Jr. was going to die, this was a much funnier dungeon.
Starting point is 00:56:12 It was a much more carefree kind of puzzle. Normal's like, all right. All right, I'll go. I'll do it. Spare's like, me too. Okay, here I go. So both of you are going to roll constitution to see if you can eat your way through this door.
Starting point is 00:56:28 I got an 18 plus two, 20. Wow. Okay, so yeah, you take to that meat lover's pizza like you were born. You were a meat lover. Like you're a meat lover. Like every salad you ever ate before was merely a prelude to this moment
Starting point is 00:56:38 where you truly get to be yourself and devour some good old fashioned flesh. Your dad makes a couple bites in and then starts vomiting, and then looks on in awe as you manage to bite a doorway-sized hole slowly and surely through there. So by the time you have managed to open the door, you hear the gunshot as Scary blows away Papa John inside.
Starting point is 00:56:57 I feel like what happens is the gunshot goes off, and then I'm just like, hey. And you see Normal has crawled through, like sliming through this hole. Oh, good. You're here. How you doing? I'm just like hey and you see like normal has crawled through like sliming through this hole oh good you're here how you doing I'm fine okay I'm so I'm sorry about your dad you're just he wasn't my yeah it's fine it's what I wanted yeah right yeah I um oh scary I'm so sorry it's a really fucked crazy situation. I don't know what to say. I don't think there is anything you can say. But it sucks.
Starting point is 00:57:28 And I get being angry. I mean, I'm pissed. It's fine. I just need the anchor, okay? Okay. Do you want me to help get it out? Yeah. All right, let's do it.
Starting point is 00:57:37 So you can feel the anchor is a large garlic knot where his heart should be. Again, I cannot apologize enough. Right now we have, I mean mean just to remember the mechanics of yes two of the anchors were broken with love one was broken with hate yeah and this is the final anchor and then do grant and them care how it's broken you can see the collars on lark and sparrows say break it with hate i pull it out and i'm like you know i i've been trying to like i don't know scary just do what you want with it. Cool. I take it.
Starting point is 00:58:07 Is there a hole in the meat door? Yeah. I got there. Whoever can bring Terry Jr. back gets the anchor. Lark and Sparrow exchange glances with Grant and they go, I'm real sorry. It doesn't work like that. Not anymore. It used to be able to revive people all the time and it would end up more or less the way you wanted it to,
Starting point is 00:58:28 but hell changed and the afterlives changed and when someone's gone, we can't... Not the way that you would know him. I didn't really know him, though. So, you know, it's fine. If he's not... If he's not how he was. I didn't really know him. and I didn't tell him something.
Starting point is 00:58:48 There's something I really wanted to tell him. You can tell him. I can, I can help you tell him. We can send him a message if you want. Like I talked to Nikki or tried to talk to Nikki. I can't guarantee you'll say anything in response, but I can help you say whatever you want to say to him. I want him to, Well, okay. I want to say, sorry you were infertile. That sucks. You would have made a really good... I just want to say thank you for seeing me, I guess. Okay.
Starting point is 00:59:19 All right, so yes, I cast Sending. Are you still holding the garlic knot? Link's going to walk up to Scary and hold his hand out for the garlic knot. And I'm just looking at you with tears in my eyes. Just take it. Just take it. Who cares? There's some things you can't get back, Scary.
Starting point is 00:59:37 And I turn to look at Grant. It's not about what you just did now, Dad. It's all your choices. You chose me. It wasn't some passion you just did now, dad. It's all your choices. You chose me. It wasn't some passion or just a kid. You chose me as your kid knowing you were broken. You can't take that back. And I love you and I hate that you made me love you when you are who you are and you
Starting point is 01:00:01 knew it. And I hold up the garlic knot. I'll never stop loving you. You're my dad. And I hold up the garlic knot. I'll never stop loving you. You're my dad. And I break it, but I never want to see you again. All our days whisked away. Is there something more to say?
Starting point is 01:00:20 You know that no one knows us better than ourselves you should tell myself it'll be all right pretty lies that we sleep at night i know that no one knows me better than myself and i know i'll get this right it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, baked steel and borrowed. Break where we can't change. We got to pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way.
Starting point is 01:01:19 I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller.
Starting point is 01:01:38 Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Asher Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by a Patreon. And some of these people who are on our Patreon have names like Rafe, The Void, Jalen Nelson, Jake Broglio, Oliver Nord, Adam Davidson,
Starting point is 01:01:56 Dylan Crawford, Post PokeGen, Shamu, Nickel, Sylvie Needham, Draco Eris, Joe Needle, PMS Madwife, Sarah Elson, Beal, Anthony Smith, Jake D. Sturgill, Belps, and Katie Heisel. You too can support this podcast directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and get bonus content and ad-free episodes. We're going to be announcing our West Coast live show location and dates next week, so make sure you're following us on social if you want tickets. Patreon supporters will be the first ones to get access to tickets as well, so everybody, high alert. Next week, there's going to be West Coast live shows at the end of August. Also, we're at RTX this coming weekend. We hope to see a bunch of you out there
Starting point is 01:02:28 in the scorching Texas heat and or the air-conditioned Texas interior. Patreon supporters get way more than just early access to live show tickets. They also get access at this point to hundreds of hours of audiovisual bonus content as well as access to our incredible Discord community where we do live listens and hangouts.
Starting point is 01:02:42 Check it out. It's a great time. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. support this podcast directly and get a bunch of stuff in return you can follow us on twitter at dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddads.com our merch is stored at dungeonsanddads.com and our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies our next episode is july 18th we will see you then We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, bake, steal, and borrow. Brave while we can't change.
Starting point is 01:03:11 We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Tomorrow I'll be on my way. Dude, my computer can't run Dungeons. And Dragons beyond. It can do Dungeons or it can do Dragons.
Starting point is 01:03:35 It cannot do both.

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