Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 38 - Main Chairacter Syndrome

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

All anchors are broken as the team prepares to commune with the Doodler.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Foll...ow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Westminster Abbey, the leaders of many pizza chains came together to pay their respects. Caesar, from Little Caesars. Pizza, pizza. The Noid, from Domino's. The Noid! Charles Entertainment Cheese. It's where the dead can be the dead.
Starting point is 00:00:38 They join anthropomorphized pizza entities from across the Papa John's family to watch as the supreme pizza leader was hand-tossed, wood-fired, and topped with better ingredients for a better world. Pepperoni for remembrance, sausage, symbol of hope and renewal, and black olive, symbolizing the eternal darkness that awaits his assassins, the four shitty teens and their dads who ripped out his garlic knot heart and destroyed it to free the doodler. ranch papadia for just $7.99 when you order a large epic stuffed crust pizza at PapaJohns.com and use promo code RIPPERONI. Amen. With a cry of order up, a calzone brigade delivered the late Papa John to Pineapple Ham Palace in 30 minutes or less. There, in the family's nylon insulated mausoleum, he was laid to rest, along with a little plastic table to keep him from sticking to the lid of his coffin. If anyone else suffered
Starting point is 00:01:52 the loss of a father figure last episode, it simply wasn't as heartbreaking as this. For the PZZ, I'm Deep Dish Debbie. Welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent to clean up after their grandparents jacked it all up. Jacked off. Interesting. Interesting. Sent to clean up after their parents jacked off.
Starting point is 00:02:26 I am, dude. Freddie Wong. Freddie, you have the cum. No, he has the cum. Freddie, you have the cum. Take over. Roger, I have the cum. My name is Freddie Wong.
Starting point is 00:02:34 I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving ranger teen of the group, a survivalist, a killer at heart, and he's got a good smile and a cool hat. This week's Taylor fact. A killer at heart, and he's got a good smile and a cool hat. This week's Taylor fact. A killer at heart. Taylor's very conflicted after the events of the past two episodes because on one hand, he witnessed one of his, you know,
Starting point is 00:02:53 what he considers a close friend going through some real hard emotional turmoil and trauma. On the other hand, he got to use a sword against people and he got to spin around and slice people with a samurai sword, which anybody who owns a samurai sword knows that's like the whole point of getting the sword yeah it's like you buy when you pray for an intruder to come in for the ability to pick the wrong house that's what taylor's got going on that's what taylor's got going on he's feeling
Starting point is 00:03:19 great having a good time he just said he's conflicted taylor's feeling great he's feeling great but he also feels bad for wow is this the first time he's felt conflicted in his life two emotions taylor's going through wow he's now a two-dimensional character who knows this episode you might even see a third emotion show hitherto unknown i'm angry i'm hungry nope no that's actually the third one you got it he's hungry he wants snacks hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play the schooled at home soccer kid uh lincoln lee wilson i did that backwards that's okay this is just a backwards world we're in today and a little fact about lincoln is that he still has a baby monitor um
Starting point is 00:04:03 now to be fair he has grown like it's no longer like the video baby you're no longer a video one He still has a baby monitor. In his room. He still has a baby monitor. Now, to be fair, he has grown. Like, it's no longer like the video one. He's not a baby. It's no longer a video one. But then his dad's like, you should get rid of that. He's like, well, then how can I say goodnight if I wake up in the middle of the night or check in with you guys? So he still has.
Starting point is 00:04:16 So he still has. He still. Now it's a walkie talkie. So it's two ways. He can talk to them and they can talk back and everything. But, you know, sometimes Lincoln, after he said goodnight night he needs to throw in that extra good night oh not earlier he's now that he's cut ties what's he doing with that walkie-talkie when he gets home he's gonna he's gonna throw that thing away we'll see but that's what he has he's gonna take it to
Starting point is 00:04:36 like the electronics recycling that the library does every month oh yeah e-waste big waste recycler what was it in dungeons and dragons a Dragons? A speaking stone? Is that what he has? Yeah. Yeah, he's got two speaking stones. Oh, so he had a magical speaking stone. I'm just saying if I want to use it. I'm just saying that in case we need them for items later, that we can bullshit that I have them.
Starting point is 00:04:53 Okay, sounds good. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak, Berkey, Peppy, Chipper, Cheery, School Spirit, Mascot Kid, Slash Cleric. Normal fact this week, Normal, all of his shoes are Heelys. Hell yeah. But he's too scared to ride
Starting point is 00:05:10 the tiger. Do you know what I mean? That's great. One day he's going to finally work up the guts to bust those Heelys out. Until that day. That is Chekhov's Heely if I've ever heard it. He's been waiting. He's like, I just don't know if I've got what it takes to Heely. Heely tricks are big on YouTube in the future. So he's been watching Heelys stun stunts he wants to work healy's into his mascot routine
Starting point is 00:05:28 but he just doesn't have the juice can i ask who here has actually ridden healy i have adult healy's in my closet at home right now use them i i use them a lot during the pandemic um and uh last time you can drive by cough on people just say during the pandemic as if that like puts it into context that i would then into one why were you using them more in the pandemic were you trying to get good at them around the neighborhood and stuff like that and then just like knowing that nobody was in like stores so i would go into home depot also well straight up really quick take us back actually that's exactly what that means we never have to explain
Starting point is 00:06:02 anything we did during the pandemic that's literally the point of saying i did this during the pandemic look like my mind wasn't at peak performance but my heels were nice so beth uh let me just say as a fellow healy user and a man i've been making these i had healy's where there's youtube videos of me and brandon rolling healy's oh that's right that's right. We were on that train before everyone else got on it. We were... I mean, they were around when we were kids. No, but the adult sizes... Yeah, but that's pathetic. I was there as a kid.
Starting point is 00:06:33 I remember when I was in third grade, I wore Heelys. Here's what I'm saying. I understand the plight of people who wear high heels. I don't think you do, Freddie. I don't think you do. Because the Heelys elevate your heels, and and boy that's uncomfortable anyway oh poor Freddie
Starting point is 00:06:48 on our discord let us know if you think on the live tour Beth should wear Heelys and Freddie should wear high heels and then we'll see
Starting point is 00:06:54 if Freddie really knows what high heels feels like so let us know on discord if you think that's what we should do and if you don't you're not an ally speaking of women
Starting point is 00:07:03 who don't need to age gracefully at all they just need to age gracefully at all, they just need to age. I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlo, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore. And a bittersweet fun fact about Scary this week is that when Terry Jr. first moved into Scary and her mom's house, he introduced a little recipe of his for potatoes au gratin.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Is it au gratin? I think that's it. Au gratin, yeah. Au gratin. Au gratin means grateful for potatoes. When Terry Jr. moved in, he brought a recipe for potatoes au gratin. And if you know Sierra, you know she doesn't like any type of potato. Called them potatoes au gratin.
Starting point is 00:07:57 Refused to eat them. But at night, she snuck down and tried one once, and it was delicious. So there. Wow. I like the idea of tried one like i'll have a potato i'll have a slice of gratin i've actually never had potatoes just slices of cheesy potatoes yeah oh yeah that's that's the reason why it's not for you yeah it would explode your colon i know speaking of exploded colons i'm anthony birch i'm your dad hey dad um My dad fact today is more of a, just a housekeeping one.
Starting point is 00:08:27 You've probably heard that we're touring and the tickets are actually selling out a lot faster than we expected. So if you were like, oh, I'll get to those tickets eventually, you may want to do it now.
Starting point is 00:08:36 You may want to walk, run, don't walk to your closest ticket thing. Dungeonsanddads.com slash live. Thank you. There we go. It may be literally sold out
Starting point is 00:08:44 by the time. Yeah, it might be gone. I may just send you to days.com slash live thank you there we go uh may be literally sold out by the time yeah it might be might be gone you may i may just sent you to sadness last episode you managed to find and destroy the last anchor but the main thing i think that we ended the episode on was the fact that link took the anchor said i love you dad broke it in half and then said i never want to see you again so what is that that's a real complicated cocktail when you break it with either love or fear slash hate depending on which one you break it with dark side emotions yeah yeah for the couture heads out there it's a real light side dark side kind of a thing it's almost just like
Starting point is 00:09:22 you can't explain emotions and morality with just binary no video games prove that's not true for you guys it's true there's only two emotions but uh christopher nolan proved in interstellar that love is the fifth dimension that's all i'm gonna say i don't know where i was going with that but that's out there so what we're gonna do is you're gonna roll matt to see whether it's more love or more fear that has influenced you to break this i love or hate one of my favorite books, Steven Pressfield's Thermopylae, Gates of Fire, says that the opposite of love is fear. So I support this. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:49 So 11 through 20 is love. One through 10 is fear slash hate. Before I roll this really important question about all this. This is a good advantage. Are we still married? You are still married. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:57 I'm just remembering that. We're all still married. Wait, what? Yeah, we're still married. Oh, yeah. Scary doesn't know. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, hey, man. Okay okay here we go a natural 20
Starting point is 00:10:08 so which one is that love i love my dad so much so you have to kill me you've broken three anchors with love and only one has been broken with hate that was the one that willie broke for you so you have now broken it. The garlic knot turns to ashes in your hands and you are now surrounded by... Oh, I was hungry. You're surrounded by Lark, Sparrow, and Grant.
Starting point is 00:10:32 Grant, who now looks completely crestfallen and is trying to find the words to say something. I turn... I mean, I've said everything I'm going to say. Link turns around
Starting point is 00:10:40 and just walks away from him, looks at Taylor and says, like, sorry about the garlic knots. That's all right. I'm on your side. Fuck you guys. And Taylor does a cool turnaround and like starts,
Starting point is 00:10:50 are we walking away or what? I don't understand. Grant says, hold on a second. And Lark's like, wait, wait a second. And Sparrow goes, no, no, both of you. Kids, teens, sons, son, my son, and son's friend, and scary, and friends, son and friends.
Starting point is 00:11:05 We messed up. And I think. I am. And scary. And friends. Son and friends. We messed up. And I think you're right. And I think maybe it's not time for us to tell you what to do. Maybe it's time for you to be the adults here. We will follow your lead if you want. If we can stick around with you. So we've got these cuffs. And he pulls up his sleeve.
Starting point is 00:11:20 You can see on his arm another cuff that he hadn't shown you before that says, you cannot hurt Willie. And he says, we all have these. But we don't have any cuffs that say we can't help you out what did the cuffs say prior the first one said stop them oh stop them so they got two callers they got one around their necks as they stop them but they didn't stop us yeah how come he didn't stop link when he broke the garlic knot larks goes you were just too quick and he has his gun out and was pointed at you the whole time. And he was ready to shoot you in the head. Oh, dude, it misfired. But it misfired.
Starting point is 00:11:48 His bullet jammed. Like a man on fire. What the fuck? You were going to kill Link, Uncle Lark? Yeah. I didn't want to. It was just I had to stop him. Well, jeez.
Starting point is 00:11:55 I mean, but okay. Well, I'm sorry. Is the only reason you're not shooting at us right now? Because your gun's still jammed? It's because they've already failed. Because you already did it. We was to stop you from getting the anchor and you got the anchor already. So useless. These are done. Sparrow says, if you want us to leave you alone, we can leave you alone. I think you should let us get
Starting point is 00:12:10 you back to the Forgotten Realms if you want, because we have a way of doing that that doesn't involve. Wait a second. Wait a second. We broke all the anchors, right? Yeah. So the doodler is like, is the doodler like free? Like what's going on with the doodler? I run out and look at the sky. So the sky is vibrating. This sky seems to be like full of energy, like it wants to go somewhere, but it's not moving yet. And Sparrow says, I think what has to happen is there's some sort of ritual to commune with the doodler, do something with the doodler.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Like, it's like you've removed the anchors, but it's still standing there. It's like if you remove the anchor on a boat, the boat's still where it is. It's just like in God of War Ragnarok when that sad whale is chained up to the bridge and then you got to free the whale, but then you got to tell the whale to go.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Yeah, I wrote that. That's me, Anthony. Hi, I saw Sparrow. Sparrow. Dad, Sparrow, you know, that was like one of my favorite little side quests in that game. That's why I brought it up. Oh, gee, thanks. This is the only way I can compliment Anthony on anything.
Starting point is 00:12:59 He's not complimenting me. He's complimenting Sparrow so I can handle it. Wait a minute. I think they need one of us to talk to the doodler. Okay. I mean, they don't need, it's us. Like, we need us. Like, we can do it ourselves, Gary.
Starting point is 00:13:10 We don't need them. No, that's what I'm saying. It's like, why are they sticking around? I don't know. They should leave. Like, you guys are in timeout. Or you can either do that here. Hit the brain.
Starting point is 00:13:18 You can also ask for usual insight if you want to see. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If they're lying to you. I'm going to roll insight. I don't need a roll insight. I got 17. I got a natural 20 wow so perceptive so with a 17 and a natural 20 you can respectively figure out that a sparrow is telling the truth they do want to help you and with a 20 you can see that sparrow has so little faith in larkin grant's emotional stability right now and their ability to think clearly that he thinks the smartest thing to do is to put you kids in charge because you've accomplished more than they have.
Starting point is 00:13:49 You broke three of the anchors the right way. You managed to keep most of the people in your lives safe, whereas Sparrow and to a much greater extent, Grant and Lark feel like they are fuck ups. And you can tell that Sparrow is trying to put on a happy face and trying to be a very proactive, let's go do this. But he is suffering from a pretty significant sense of worthlessness slash shititude and thinks that you are probably better suited to do this job. Taylor whips his sword and puts it right up against the neck against the most vulnerable looking of the dads. I mean,
Starting point is 00:14:20 definitely Sparrow. Sparrow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you want?
Starting point is 00:14:23 Hold a hand up to wait. I'm like, no, wait, no, whoa, whoa. What do you want? I hold a hand up to wait. I'm like. No. What? Wait. No. Don't move.
Starting point is 00:14:30 I need to get this clear. I won't move because I'm afraid you're so bad with your sword. You're going to cut my dad's throat, dude. I'll do it. I'll fucking do it. What? You. Sparrow.
Starting point is 00:14:39 I would call me Mr. Oak. No. Okay. Well, that's going now in my ma'am. Your mom is. Your mom's been seduced. I mean, I don't know, been seduced. They actually seem to have pretty good chemistry,
Starting point is 00:14:49 but she... She and Willie are dating now. But he kicked all your asses. Yeah. This guy sounds like a fucking real piece of shit. Like, who cares? It's up to you guys, but, like, I guess if we keep these fucking adults with us then we'll have less chance of willie influencing them i don't know what you want to do with your
Starting point is 00:15:11 dads but somebody should tell grant that like he should just go back to marco and fix that shit like so we don't need him so i turn around because i've been staring pensively out at the city just like batman before we let them go, you guys need to tell us everything that happened with Willie. You guys got to tell us everything you know. No more secrets. No more half-truths.
Starting point is 00:15:33 If we're going to go defeat him and you guys can help us, you can start by telling us the truth. Sparrow says that's the, he gently puts his hand up to the blade and tries to like force it down from his neck. Okay, can you not though? Like he's not, what do you think?
Starting point is 00:15:43 Kneel, kneel dad. No. I'm not going to kneel. I think it's a pretty good idea. Kneel. I don't think it's a good neck. Okay. Can you not though? Like he's not, what do you think? Kneel dad. No, I'm not going to kneel. I think it's a pretty good idea. Kneel. I don't think it's a good idea. You know what? I'll,
Starting point is 00:15:49 you know what? In the sake of peacemaking, I will kneel. No, no dad, you stay up. All right, here's the rule.
Starting point is 00:15:54 Here's the rule. Here's the rule. We're all mad at our dads. Everyone gets to bully their dad. We don't bully each other's dads. Okay. We're all in charge of our own fathers. And I call uncle arc too. So just back off. Okay. I don't want to see my dads, okay? We're all in charge of our own fathers. And I call Uncle Ark, too.
Starting point is 00:16:06 So just back off, okay? I don't want to see my dad kneel to a teenager. I've had enough shitty stuff happen to me today, Taylor. Stop talking about other people's dads when somebody just lost their dad. Oh, I mean, you know, I mean, I mean, you know, I mean. It's fine. Like, she doesn't have a dad to bully anymore, so it's only nice if she can bully other people's dads. You want to bully?
Starting point is 00:16:23 You can bully? All right. Scary's in charge of Lark. You're in charge of Lark. No, I don't't want i don't want a dad okay okay yeah but you can bully people all right okay taylor so sparrow is frozen in a half kneel half stand position you could stand up all right he stands up fully taylor goes no you cannot god damn it he scratches a little bit just tell us what's going on fine i don't care. This is why your selfish mother and I get along so well. Yeah. So since the end of that story that you read about all the things that happened when we were kids, he was just sitting in limbo, essentially.
Starting point is 00:16:54 When you broke him out, he spent, you know, who knows how many years plotting while time doesn't actually affect him, which is why he's the same age. And he wants to get the doodler's power for himself. He seemingly took control of the mayor. He's used magic to doodlerize people and make it seem like the mayor's a separate entity when in reality they're working together. He needs the anchors gone and he needs to commune with the riddler, with the riddler. He needs to commune with the riddler. He needs to commune with the doodler using a ritual that's going to allow him to basically- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that the moment the anchors are gone, he can commune with the doodler?
Starting point is 00:17:27 How do we know he's not running over to commune with the doodler right now? We've done everything according to his plan. We don't. That's why I was suggesting we all go back. Back where to earth? Where does he go? Do you know where he's going? The church of the doodler is probably where he's going to commune with it.
Starting point is 00:17:39 Because there's that chair that allows you to speak with the doodler. Yeah, I know. We went there. Yeah, I did it. So like, well, there you go. That's everything I know is I think if he can commune with the doodler. Cool. Well, we We went there. Yeah, I sat on the chair. Well, there you go. That's everything I know. I think if he can commune with the doodler. Cool.
Starting point is 00:17:47 Well, we need to stop him from doing that, obviously. Yeah, let's get going. Let's just get, let's do this. Let's stop the doodler and, you know, stop these two worlds from dying. Okay, teen huddle. Teen huddle, real quick. Married teen huddle.
Starting point is 00:17:57 Bring it, bring it in, everybody. Married huddle. Wait, what? Oh, scary. Yeah, we're all married now. Yeah, married. Yeah, who? Lark Sparrow and Gringo.
Starting point is 00:18:03 Wait, what? We'll tell, we'll explain it later. No, you're're not involved in this this is none of your business any of you okay this is your business that's scary go stand over there and kick bricks it's hard to explain but in order to survive falling from space we all had to become one soul so we like we got married you did a pretty good job explaining it that's pretty much it yeah so we're all married we're gonna get an annulment or whatever once we get back home but you know for now you know the rules are pretty loose in this marriage so like don't worry about it like you can do whatever what as in like as in like don't really think it's like i know you told me not to listen in but what does that mean
Starting point is 00:18:36 oh like you're one to judge okay fair enough okay technically married for whatever reason but we're not mad as in if we didn't tell you then we wouldn't't be married. Like, it's not real. There's nothing real about it. I know you and Link have a big crush on each other. There's nothing wrong with you guys can like, but you're already married, so I don't know why I brought that up. We're all married, yeah. This is gonna be a real... We're not married. It doesn't matter. We need to get this annulled before the tax season. So you hear... And in that moment, Hermie
Starting point is 00:18:58 and Nick come up the stairs, and Hermie goes, the entire building is primed to burn down. Now we gotta go! Oh, everybody's already dead and nick immediately fucking fumes with anger and his hand goes to his sword uh as he sees lark sparrow and hold that sword dad i have this under control yes son but he narrows his fucking eyes and we do the like like close up on his eyes like widescreen look i'm esteemed at our dads as all you are now my dad's cool it's just like, son,
Starting point is 00:19:28 but I do kind of feel like this is the most dangerous guy out there. We should all work together. And like link, I, you don't have to talk to your dad. You can talk to me and I'll talk to your dad or you can slip him notes or whatever. But I feel like they've gone up against this guy before. I feel like we should stay together as a team.
Starting point is 00:19:39 They have callers. They can't, but it's like my dad said, like they don't, they can't hurt Willie. They can't hurt Willie. That's gonna be a real problem it's like the saying is like i get that you're pissed at your dad but i don't think we should throw away four dudes that like can throw down you know what they're we don't know if they can't throw down they almost killed us right now like they almost just killed about this we got nick we got demon nick yeah dad yeah do you
Starting point is 00:20:01 have a collar no no i've been with you the whole time. Guess what? What? I think I put you in command of these other dads. What do you think about that? I think that sounds pretty fucking good to me, these little shitheads who blasted my arm off way back when using magical bullets that make it impossible for me to grow my arm back. These little traitorous shitheads who wanted to invade hell and take our grandpa out.
Starting point is 00:20:23 Yeah, I think I can fucking handle that. Kneel. And he takes out his sword and puts it to Sparrow's throat again. Make them swear fealty to both you and me. Swear fealty to me and my son. And Sparrow's like, I'm not going to do that. Looks like I'm also not going to do that. They're already not following directions. Normal. Look, wherever
Starting point is 00:20:40 you guys want. If they want to come along, that's fine. I don't know. I don't want to fight. We got to fight enough stuff with Willie. Whatever. If you want to come along, that's fine. I don't know. I don't want to fight. We got to fight enough stuff with Willie. Whatever. If you want to bring your dads along so you can deal with dad stuff, that's fine. I'm just worried that's not, like, whatever. I'm cool. You know what?
Starting point is 00:20:52 Yeah, whatever. I'm fine. I'm fine. I sit down. I'm fine. Okay. I said that. Now I'm actually going to sit down.
Starting point is 00:20:57 I just said I'm going to sit down, but now I'm sitting down. All right. So it sounds like Willie's most likely next step is to try and commune with the doodler now that the anchors are gone we'll see how well he'll be able to do it because we broke him real good but we think we know where he's gonna be right right yeah all right well we got a team we got scary right and and scary real tough and we got link and links like very brave and taylor you're you're like you're fun and we got these dads and we got Link and Link's like very brave. And Taylor, you're like, you're fun. And we got these dads and we got your dad.
Starting point is 00:21:30 And I know that there's like some pain here, but maybe we all just put our energies together. We could just like all that bad stuff, like all that stuff. We can just pretend like we can just get past it. And we can all be good again. Norm, wait, Norm. Yeah, what's up? I'm only tough because of him.
Starting point is 00:21:42 What do you mean? Like all the power that I have or whatever It's like If Willy knows that we're gonna kill him Like he'll just like Just put me God he'll make me A normie
Starting point is 00:21:57 Like a level like 10 like you guys I grab Scary by her collar I guess I'm like Scary you listen to me. You're not a normie. You're a weird, mean, goth girl, and we can't take that away from you. I think we absolutely can. You think you need spell
Starting point is 00:22:14 slots to beat somebody? I don't know. Well, I'm really... No, I'm not going to say it. You're not going to say what? Say it. Come on. This is a safe space. Well, I guess I'm like... No, I'm not going to say it. You're not going to say what? Say it. Come on.
Starting point is 00:22:26 This is a safe space. Well, I guess I'm like... I'm sorry. Sorry for what? Well, let's not get into it, really. I mean, well... Generally sorry. Just for... You know, I don't want to snuff the candle out
Starting point is 00:22:42 before it's had a chance to burn. Let it just stay there. Let the candle stay there. We'll let the candle stay. Come check on the candle. We'll see if there's more to that sari when you're feeling ready for it. Also scary. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Maybe it's stupid, but I feel like you made him tough because he needed you. Not the other way around. He needed you for some reason so like did he say anything to you when you put that cap on i think he said something about me communing with the doodler but wouldn't that be you norm because like you got the like noble blood or whatever look i think we got a lot of questions i think the only way we're gonna get answers is if we go back to the church of the doodler. Mark says, that sounds good to me, but we could do it with transport.
Starting point is 00:23:28 And he puts his fucking fingers in his mouth and he does the whistle thing. Okay. And a portal opens and the cat bus that we forgot about for 20 episodes jumps back in through the portal. Does it have a cool eye patch? Yeah, why not? It has a cool eye patch.
Starting point is 00:23:37 I just see some shit. Some shit went down, dog. What happened to your eye? The pussy wagon has been through stuff. Cat bus? And he goes, oh. Oh, oh no. Link just like leaps onto its face and like hugs his nose and he can't see what's happening.
Starting point is 00:23:48 But clearly the fur underneath it, Link's face is just soaking with tears. He's just like, he's just hugging the cat. You can also see big drops of drool coming from the cat's mouth because it's happy to see you again. That's a thing that cats do. Do cats drool? They do. Oh. So, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:04 Lark says, all right, everybody get on the cat bus, I guess. Do cats drool? They do. Oh. So, yeah, Lark says, all right, everybody, get on the cat bus, I guess, and we'll go. Already here. In the cat bus, Nick is holding his sword out at the throats of the other
Starting point is 00:24:16 three dads in the back. Oh, it's such a, it's like a Sephiroth sword and they're all just sitting there. It's really, really long. It's a super long sword. And they're all just resting their chins on it.
Starting point is 00:24:23 On a bench, yeah. Getting burned because it's on fire all the time. And as you drive through this forgotten and fucked up world, the closer you get to the church of the doodler, the more the doodler's sky above you begins to spasm. The more unnerved you begin to get. There's a loud, almost like humming in your mind that seems to get louder and louder
Starting point is 00:24:40 and turn into almost a quiet scream that you can hear from the distance. Hey, did you guys hear that? Yeah. Someone turn that up yeah i whisper to the cat bus because i'm still on the front and i say you're still clutching the front i say i say hey buddy where do you go when this is all done like where do you go live and goes yawns oh you got like a place to stay like where do you i got like a cave or something it sees a bird so it goes all right like it's a cat what it's a cat yeah i know i'm talking to it guys i kind of got like an idea or like you know
Starting point is 00:25:13 part of an idea or whatever okay so willie still thinks that like you know for the most part i'm on his side so i was wondering if we could maybe use that to our advantage. Okay. Like. What were you thinking? If I act like I've broken the anchor in hatred or whatever, maybe he won't know that like, you know, we broke it with love. And maybe it'll give us a chance for the rest of us to sneak up on him or something.
Starting point is 00:25:44 So we send you in first. You scout out the situation. And then, like, we have, like, a signal. Like, oh, I wish one of us had a walkie-talkie or something. Some kind of walkie-talkie or some kind of monitor of some kind to communicate, to hear everything. I'm back in my house. Not anymore, though. And even if I did, I wouldn't use it.
Starting point is 00:26:01 Grant. And I stare, not at Grant, but like, I just stare around. Grant's looking at you as he takes out the two walkie talkies from his pocket that he brought from home. And he goes, if somebody wants to give these to Link. Scary, can you toss me the mic? The walkie? Oh, yeah. Here.
Starting point is 00:26:18 Okay. I go. Okay. Oh, sorry. Just the lullabies are on. One second. Let me get. Wrong button. Lullabies? Why are there lullabies are on. One second. Let me get... Wrong button.
Starting point is 00:26:27 Lullabies? Why are there lullabies on a walkie-talkie? It's a teen monitor. It's a teen monitor? Yeah, it's a cool grown-up kid monitor. Is that what they're telling you? That's what they said it was? Look, it says it's a normal thing for teens to have. It's normal and cool.
Starting point is 00:26:39 He's like winking hard at everybody around him. Sometimes it's hard to go to sleep, okay? And baby mind reminds me I'm always a baby. And I'm always a baby. And I'm theirs. Anyways, so really quickly, do we even know if Willy's there? Sparrow says it's even better if Willy's not there because if you're the ones who want to commune with the doodler,
Starting point is 00:26:54 then we can just get in and you can put Scary on the throne and we can get out. And Willy doesn't have to know anything if he's not there. And if he is there, then we can pretend like they got us. And then I guess we'll just all attack Willy. And I don't know. I guess we'll figure out if the dad's not fighting counts as hurting him or not. And we'll see what happens, I guess, there.
Starting point is 00:27:12 But, like, I mean, how the fuck are we going to beat him? Well, yeah, these four weren't able to do it. And they've got all kinds of skills. Well, I mean, we're going to just have to figure that out. Element of surprise. Sun Tzu says the element of surprise can beat anyone higher level than you. We got the big, like, dark. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:30 Okay, so as you're talking about this, you drive closer to the Church of the Doodler, and you can see in the distance two lines leading from the Church of the Doodler towards you along the side of the road like that. As you get closer, sort of resolve themselves into people. You can see two large lines of doodlerized people just sitting there standing, waiting and looking at you. And once the cat bus comes into view, they start clapping.
Starting point is 00:27:50 And you can see a single dot in the center of the road. And that looks to be the mayor with a big smile on their face. And she's clapping too. Back up. We've got some bigger problems, yeah. And they're beckoning you forward. They're doing the come hither gesture. I'm saying, come on, come on. Oh, I see. we'll go around.
Starting point is 00:28:06 Nice to see you. All the doodlerized people, they have weapons and you see them pull their weapons out, their guns, their knives, their sticks and they dropped them to the floor
Starting point is 00:28:14 and they clap their hands behind their head and the mayor walks to the side and she like gestures you forward like apres-vous towards the church of the doodler and then she starts clapping again. I tell the kitty cat
Starting point is 00:28:24 to stop for a moment. The kitty cat stops and purrs. I climb in. All right, well, that's pretty weird. I don't know if we should go in there. Pick up some of these weapons. Oh yeah, that's not a bad idea. They got a lot of guns.
Starting point is 00:28:37 Okay, I'll go out and see what's going on. Well, let's have her come here. What do you mean? Hey! Yes? Miss Bear, can you come here for a second? Yeah, of course. I would love to.
Starting point is 00:28:46 We're 500 yards away. When she whispers, you hear her clear as a bell inside. I want her to walk 500 yards is my point. Yeah, she's walking 500 yards. Okay, cool. She goes, this will take a bit. That's fine. She walks 500 yards.
Starting point is 00:28:59 Spin around and show us you don't have any weapons. I will walk 500 yards. She does the thing from The Negotiator where she pulls up her shirt and turns around so you can see she doesn't have a gun tucked in I would walk for 100 more. She does the thing from The Negotiator where she pulls up her shirt and turns around so you can see she doesn't have a gun tucked in the waistband of her pants. Nice. And she walks.
Starting point is 00:29:11 Even though she is walking at what looks to be a normal speed, she reaches you far, far sooner than you would hope. Don't like that. Don't like that. And she goes, Welcome. You've done such a good job.
Starting point is 00:29:20 It's almost time. It's almost time to finish it for good. Thank you so much for coming. Of course. Yeah. Anything for our best charity customer. That's right. That's right. It's almost time. It's almost time to finish it for good. Thank you so much for coming. Of course. Yeah. Anything for our best charity customer. That's right. That's right.
Starting point is 00:29:29 That's right. Yeah. That didn't work. Remember? Oh, that's right. She knows. I know everything. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:35 About the ice cream. And yeah. Well, we're just happy to be here. So, Miss Mayor, Mrs. Miss. I don't know why I'm asking. Is, um, Miss Mayor, uh, Mrs., Miss? I don't know why I'm asking like I'm interested. Is there a Mr. Mayor? Um,
Starting point is 00:29:50 what, uh, what are you doing here? Give me a sec. I want to finally give her a name. You may call me Mayor McSnarkles. My name is Margaret McSnarkles. And that was sent to us by Allison.
Starting point is 00:30:00 Thank you so much, Allison. But she goes, Mayor McSnarkles will suffice. But yes, what was your question again? What? You're a little far out of your jurisdiction.
Starting point is 00:30:08 Just wondering what you're doing here. We're here to protect you, to make sure that no one stops you from speaking to the doodler. Well, why do you want us to do that? Because that's the only way to save the worlds, is to get the doodler's power into one vessel and to make him no longer controlling the multiple worlds that he does, the multiple realms. Cool. Who sent you? Willy, obviously.
Starting point is 00:30:28 Of course, Willy. Oh, well, yeah. So we're like against... Yeah, we're against Willy, so... No, I mean... You think you are? You think you are my little one? Speak for yourself, asshole.
Starting point is 00:30:37 Oh, that's right, idiot. Roll deception. With disadvantage. Five. So Mayor McSnarkles goes, I know that you hate Willie. He could be abrasive to some, but he has the best interests of the world,
Starting point is 00:30:52 of the worlds in mind. So if you would just go in, I think all will be revealed and you are in no danger. Take all the weapons you wish. You're in no danger at all. Is Willie in there? Of course.
Starting point is 00:31:03 Okay. I don't like this, guys. Normal lies down on the cat bus. It just seems like one of those that's like a mousetrap, but we got to go into the mousetrap. Do you know what I mean? But dads, what do you think? It looks like there's enough guys
Starting point is 00:31:15 to kill us if we run away, and it looks like there's enough guys to kill us if we go in. This is Lark talking. I would much rather be inside an ambush than trying to run away from it. The best way to deal with an ambush is to run straight into it.
Starting point is 00:31:23 No, that's not... Even I know that's not have you played half-life that's how you survive in half-life i don't know what no what actually actually actually i will actually corroborate that that is that that is true thank you taylor that is true if you have you have no choice the only way is violence of action through we just start blasting on three the only way out is through link all the horrible stuff that's happened to us all the mistakes we've made all of the pain we've felt it all leads to this place again and we've got to go deal with it one way or the other so might as well be now i forget do i still have the human gun yes you do still have the human gun okay um hold on metagame really quick uh talking about character character really quick
Starting point is 00:32:05 oh this feels like it feels like we should just start blasting immediately that's feels like we should start blasting yeah like all the doodler people it feels like we get in a fight right now that's not gonna be good for us wait actually that's not wait wait we could test this by like just like shooting a few people from here yeah see what the reaction is like really test like how much like because then i'm just saying if this was like a destiny boss we would hide in the corner and just slowly shoot all every single person as a 500 yard distance before they could get to us what do you think they're gonna attack us is that what you're saying i'm just saying we might as well get rid of that scenario yeah we're trying to take we're trying to take options these are real human
Starting point is 00:32:42 beings right these are like zombies sparrow says mean, I don't know for sure. They've been taken over by the Duther, but we don't know if it's reversible or not. That would make me feel bad. That feels bad. After a few shots, I'd probably start losing the essence that is me, and I would never return to my former self
Starting point is 00:32:55 if I kept killing people. Graham breathes a sigh of relief when you say that. Okay, this might be like crazy, but like I've got this spell, right? Called Plane Shift and you can use the spell to banish an unwilling creature to another plane. Like all we have to
Starting point is 00:33:12 do is link hands around him. So like if we get close enough to Willy we could just send him somewhere else. It buys us some time, that's for sure. Feels risky. Yeah. Who's the biggest? Who's the biggest person here? Pure Mass. Pure Mass Grant. Hey, uh don't look at me. And I go and I just start taking a bunch of Grant's hair. feels risky yeah who's the biggest who's the biggest person here pure mass pure mass grant hey uh don't look at me and i go and i just start taking a bunch of grant's hair and i start putting
Starting point is 00:33:30 in the human gun ow ow what are you doing son what ow just loading my gun that's all this is grant looks to the other teens for confirmation that his son has not lost don't worry about it just don't just don't worry about it don't think about it how many grant bullets do i have let's say you have a full revolver's worth of six, even though it's a clip. Okay. Six shots. So I have a spell called Magic Circle,
Starting point is 00:33:50 which you create a 10-foot radius, 20-foot tall cylinder of magical energy centered on a point in the ground that you can see within range for the purposes of our show. Since we've done this before, I'd like to say that the cat bus is the ground on which I am casting this circle.
Starting point is 00:34:02 Yes, it is a moving magic circle. And it says, choose one or more of the following types of creatures. Celestials, elemental, fey, fiends, or undead. Do these doodlerized people count as one of those? Let's say... Fiends, I don't know. Let's say that they count as fiends.
Starting point is 00:34:14 So then basically, that type of creature can't willingly enter the cylinder by non-magical means. I'm also going to cast protection from evil and good on the cat bus, which is same thing. Fiends, creatures have disadvantage on attack rolls, and the target, the cat bus, which is same thing. Fiends creatures have disadvantage on attack roles and the target, the cat bus can't be charmed,
Starting point is 00:34:28 frightened, or possessed. Also the way the magic circle manifests, it's kind of like a bunch of laser pointers, like right next to each other. And so immediately the cat's like, like, like calling out them stuff.
Starting point is 00:34:37 All right. Well, this should at least get us to the front door. This will protect us all the way around. All right. Also, worst case scenario, we can always just like make that big sphere of darkness that we have.
Starting point is 00:34:44 Yeah. Any moment. Cause we've already established that we can always just like make that big sphere of darkness that we have. Yeah. Any moment. Because we've already established that that works exactly like we want to. For exactly two people and no more. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:50 That's, yeah, that was super cool how you guys did that. No, but it's more than like only I will be able to see it, but it's 20 feet. Yeah, it was cool. It was cool.
Starting point is 00:34:58 I'm going to say we could all do it this time. You look really cool, Link. You look really cool. Thank you. I thought we looked pretty cool too. Yeah, just, I mean, you know, I could see him. You guys were not being quiet you could hear the cat how much fun you were having and it sounded like it's pretty cool so it's just fun man we were trying to kill we
Starting point is 00:35:12 were all right well be that as a man i hold a shoulder on the normal show i'm like normal i need to assure you please don't listen to link it was fun as hell it was the most fun i've had in years all right let's do this. Normal narrows his eyes. He just falls his fist. He's like, onward. I tickle the cat's side so that it knows to go forward. Okay. So the cat walks forward as Mayor McSnarkles walks to the side and once again, does the after you kind of gesture with her hands and starts to applaud you as you go past her. And then all the other doodlerized people, the dozens and dozens of them, are all applauding you as the cat sashays down this runway leading to
Starting point is 00:35:48 the Church of the Doodler. I've never heard this many people applaud me before. They're just smiling with big, big smiles that won't go down and eyes that won't blink. Heads on a swivel, folks. We don't know where anything could come from. And you reach the foot of the Church of the Doodler. You reach the doors, and the doors are small enough that the cat bus will not be able to get in easily so what would you like to do now it's like those halo levels when there's a little like things yeah there's a little pile on the stand wait what what do you think he's gonna let us have the cat bus in there was it there another entrance they're like a roll skylight roll perception maybe there's a big like stained glass window
Starting point is 00:36:23 searching investigation i roll 11 plus 6 17 big stained glass window maybe yeah there's a big stained glass window that's got the four dads on it and the odyssey it's like a cool the kind of thing we put on a shirt it's like a stained glass thing with your gun i mean it doesn't really okay aim higher let me give it a shot okay i'm gonna aim up towards the skylight okay now this doesn't whoever's listening this doesn't count as talking to the real one this is just what are we okay and i shoot and as the grant flies out i go okay no time to explain but you've been shot out of a gun and what you need to do is the moment you get through that skylight scream really loud what you see all right roll roll persuasion I got I got 19
Starting point is 00:37:06 Jesus Christ I do think that there's a chance he just blows through the stained glass I'm gonna roll a d20 to see if he blows
Starting point is 00:37:12 through or not I like to hear him falling go like oh that's what I see okay so he rolled a seven to like dexterously like
Starting point is 00:37:18 himself onto the window without shattering it so as he's going through the air as you shout all that at fucking hyper speed at him he's like of course son
Starting point is 00:37:24 I love you son I love you so much I'll do anything for you son and he punches through the glass and fucking in slow motion as he goes through you hear him go oh i see a guy standing next to a chair and then you hear the sound of a man exploding into his hair that's pretty good i go cap us through the window up there. How big is the window? It looks up through the window and it goes, Kappas, I've never asked anything from you.
Starting point is 00:37:49 You don't need to go in, just get us up there. Please, buddy. Just for us. Roll animal handling. For the first time, actually for its actual use. I got a four.
Starting point is 00:37:59 I got two. Six. So it flops onto its belly. Cats are stubborn, man. I got an 18. Oh, okay. So with an 18, what are you going to do
Starting point is 00:38:07 to convince this cat to jump through those shards of glass? Listen, Cat Bus, I'm sorry we forgot about you for so long, but I hear there's a big tasty rat on the other side of this glass. It leaps through the fucking glass without even a single strand of its fur
Starting point is 00:38:21 touching the glass as it jumps through. It's fucking nothing but net as it goes. Right as it goes through, I'm like, I'm so sorry I lied to you, Kappa. There's no matter. I don't think there's a rat on this side. It fucking hates you now. No! You can feel the hair under your feet.
Starting point is 00:38:34 Like, just fucking go completely straight up on its tackles, but just under where you are. And it lands perfectly on its feet and immediately looks around hoping that there is some hope and that there is a rat there, but all it sees is you and it looks for a rat. Normal. I am the rat. I'm the rat who lied to you. So you are
Starting point is 00:38:49 now inside the Church of the Doodler. Willie is clapping too. Oh, I hate that. Willie is going, Hey, you made it! Alright! What an entrance, can I say? What an entrance. Ooh, boy. Why don't you roll, just Taylor, why don't you roll Perception? Five. Everything looks on the up and up. He, boy. Why don't you roll... Just Taylor, why don't you roll Perception?
Starting point is 00:39:06 Five. Everything looks on the up and up. He's clear. The moment I see him, though, can I cast Zone of Truth? Sure. You cast a magical zone that guards against deception, a 15-foot radius sphere centered on a point of your choice within range until the spell ends. The creature that enters the zone's
Starting point is 00:39:21 area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there makes a charisma saving throw on a failed save. Creature can't speak a deliberate lie while in the radius. He fails. So, yes. And that stays 10 minutes. Okay. So, I'm assuming it's around the chair or something, the radius for the zone.
Starting point is 00:39:36 I just cast it on him because if he starts his turn there. On his balls, dog. Yeah, okay. On his balls. So, wherever his balls go. So, none of us are in the zone. Yes. It's just him.
Starting point is 00:39:42 And then it's 10 minutes and he's aware of it so he can avoid answering questions um but he can't be evasive but he can't lie he cannot lie okay so he goes like oh yeah all right yeah that's fine that's fine come on in scary come on it's time to are you lying to us beforehand i don't know i don't know depending on what you would have asked i guess i don't know okay uh that's a yes so it's time we've destroyed the anchors uh hopefully fingers crossed you managed to destroy those last few with uh some more aggression yes. I don't know. Okay. That's a yes. So it's time. We've destroyed the anchors. Hopefully, fingers crossed, you managed to destroy those last few with some more aggression rather than namby-pamby, huggy-wuggy bullshit. And we can get the doodler out of our lives for good. So you're
Starting point is 00:40:15 welcome that I set all this up. But Scary, I think it's down to you to do the honors to talk with the doodler. Why Scary? Because she's the only one who can survive it. What do you mean? I talked to the doodler. I survived it. You talked to the doodler. The doodler didn't talk back to you. What we're about to do is a conversation. And to do that, the doodler is going to have to get
Starting point is 00:40:31 a little bit more involved with you than just showing you some memories of itself. If you want to try it, go ahead. You'll die. Why do you want the power of the doodler? Maybe to make the world whatever I want it to be. Then what the scary community... Why would we help you do this? Because if you help me, I'll make the world great for you. I'll make you an I want it to be. Then what a scary community. Why would we help you do this?
Starting point is 00:40:45 Because if you help me, I'll make the world great for you. I'll make you an entire realm just to yourselves. I'll make you a realm that is just like everything that happened before the doodler came into existence. That'll be nothing but white picket fences and lemonade stands
Starting point is 00:40:57 and all the shit that you want to and it'll be separate. You'll never have to see me again. It'll be great. That's not what I want though. Well, then tell me whatever you want. I'll make a- That's just a fake,
Starting point is 00:41:04 you're just making a fake world I'll make a soccer world for you or something go on wait a second like but like
Starting point is 00:41:10 but will I be on a team yeah of course you'll be on the team if you want to be on a team explain why scary needs to come in why can't you do it how does her it would kill me too
Starting point is 00:41:21 will it kill her will it kill her no why not it shouldn't but you're stronger than her that's very kind of you to say but not necessarily in the ways that matter so his hands begin to glow very very faintly purple very faintly and he goes so the thing about daddy magic is it's a combination of blue and red it's a combination of fear and love and i'm really heavy on one of those and not so much on the other. So
Starting point is 00:41:45 the doodler won't have a lot to say to me. I won't be able to actually commune with it in any real way. But scary, when I look at her, I see one of the most terrified and also one of the most loving people. And I had that clocked from the get-go. So honestly, if normal, if I could also put my juju into normal and made him more powerful and able to survive this stuff. So it was a toss of the coin, but I chose scary and I think I did the right thing. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't have like a loving bone in my fucking body. I betrayed my friends multiple times. I've killed people. I've done so many shitty things. I, I'm, I'm all fear, man. I'm all fear man I'm just scared Then why were you so sad when Terry died? I don't I mean
Starting point is 00:42:30 Case in point Case in point what? New plan We fucking kill this guy Yeah Fucking why would we let him do this? So he's gonna roll Huh?
Starting point is 00:42:39 He's gonna roll perception See if he can hear you Okay We're using pig Latin He cannot hear you he failed his role okay nice yeah let's fucking kill him let's go if he's right and we scary can talk to the doodler we don't need him at all so we actually don't want we can't trust him to do anything so let's go scary scary you with us he killed terry man yeah and um while you're
Starting point is 00:43:02 doing this while he's on his phone worst of all motherfucker's kind of a poser yeah so let's fuck him up let's go roll initiative and I jump out of the bus
Starting point is 00:43:13 and I'm gonna cast fucking flame strike on him okay a vertical column of divine fire roars down from the heavens on a location you specify
Starting point is 00:43:20 so a pillar of flame blasts down through the uh fucking stained glass window and it centers on him. It's 10 foot radius, 45 high. He has to make
Starting point is 00:43:29 a dexterity saving throw. He got a 19. So what he's going to do is he's going to... He still takes damage. He takes half damage? Yes. So it's 29
Starting point is 00:43:37 divided in half. So... 14? 14. Okay. He takes a little hop to the right and then extends his arm
Starting point is 00:43:44 back into where the flame strike is going to hit intentionally. And he goes, as it hits him. And then with his other hand, which has a phone in it, he presses a button. He turns it to face all of you and it's on FaceTime. And he shows you the image of your mom, Taylor. What?
Starting point is 00:44:00 Cassandra Swift. He goes, hey, hon. And she goes, ah, ah, are you okay? I burned myself on something. I don't even know. Mom! Eating, I don't know, maybe the food was too, ah, my hand, my hand.
Starting point is 00:44:12 Willie goes, I was just checking in to make sure my new wife was okay. What? And you could see that on the hand that is holding the phone, there is a ring around the left ring finger. And she goes, yeah, I'm doing okay. He goes, actually, could you do'm doing okay. He goes, actually,
Starting point is 00:44:25 could you do me a favor? Could you, I just want to make sure I got the ring size just right. Could you just put that on the, on camera real quick for me? Just as really close, as close as you could. And she does.
Starting point is 00:44:33 She goes, okay, that's weird. Well, sure. Why not? And she puts the ring really close to the camera and it says, whatever happens to Willie happens to me.
Starting point is 00:44:40 I like the idea that the wedding ring has like a, they got it like engraved at the mall. So it's like, whatever happens to avatar font. Yeah. It's like happens to me. And it has like they got it like engraved at the mall so it's like whatever happens to me it's so sweet how did you two meet it's incursive
Starting point is 00:44:51 you know from the face time because I tell that this ring is like bound via magical means you know what I mean like I feel like what if you cut off her finger
Starting point is 00:44:58 natural natural natural 12 I got a 19 so with a 19, you can see at least through the phone that it is definitely magical in nature. You don't know what cutting it off of her finger will do,
Starting point is 00:45:12 but you do remember reading in the stories of your dad's dads that one time they took a collar off of somebody and it made somebody else die. Oh yeah. Oh, that's right oh oh this is bad hon i'm gonna have to call you back and she goes okay he goes you should get to the urgent care though get that looked at because he hangs up on her willie has the smuggest piece of shit look on his face he's got his fucking arm folded he's just leaning up against
Starting point is 00:45:41 the chair shit shit shit if i kick him in the balls, but my mom, you know what I'm saying? If there's anything we can do to him, that's like not bad for her. Wait, but your mom doesn't have balls. Yeah. If we target all of her cats at Willie's balls, we can kill him and it won't hurt her. It still hurts if you kick them there. Like, what are you talking about? Scary, does it hurt girls if you kick them there or does it not hurt them because they don't have balls?
Starting point is 00:46:00 Oh, did you really just ask me that question? You have a spell to send people can we send the dads to taylor's mom yeah oh yeah yeah we could send them maybe like operation get them to get that ring off and then we can unload on willie that's true we can't do that who has the plane spell is that you beth yeah plane shift you and up to eight willing creatures who link hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence you can also use this spell to banish an unwilling creature to another plane she's a creature within your reach and make a melee spell attack against it so we just got like okay you only one person i lark lark it's gotta be lark i gotta go like lark dad uncle uncle dad dad uncle glark lark you gotta go and you gotta cut her hand off or take
Starting point is 00:46:43 the ring off what was which one you think. Or take the ring off. What? They can't take the stuff off, remember? Not a problem. He takes out a fucking butcher knife from behind his back. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hold on, hold on. He goes, hit me, hit me. I can do this. Send me.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Now? Look, if there's a way to get it off without cutting her hand off, then do that, right? But like, come on, Taylor, this is pretty rowdy. I grab the other baby monitor and I give it to Lark. Lark. Yeah. I go, just go get that ring. Taylor, you want to go with him?
Starting point is 00:47:04 You can go with him. I know you can only manage one person at a time. What if the only way to get a ring is to seduce your mom? We don't need to know how he does it. We don't need to know. So you can only cast it on one person or how does it work? So if I'm going, me and eight people can go. But if I'm just trying to get like, if I'm trying to stay, it can only be one person. I see. I see. I see. I guess we could all go.
Starting point is 00:47:28 You hear footsteps behind you and the group of doodlerized people. A big ticking clock shows up. Sorry, what? A big ticking clock. A big ticking clock. A giant clock. Better do something before I hit zero. I might explode.
Starting point is 00:47:42 All of the doodler people around you still applauding are blocking the door now. Willie takes out a knife and he puts it to his own heart. And he goes, the second you guys disappear, I know how time works. It'll happen really quickly. But I think I can probably manage to get this sucker in here before you manage to get the ring on. Bullshit. You would never do that to yourself. Yeah, you'll kill yourself then.
Starting point is 00:48:03 I can't lie to you. But you'll die. Do you know what it was like being completely alone after I got banished into that other realm? I was in solitary confinement for what felt like
Starting point is 00:48:13 fucking centuries and all I had time to think of was how I was being killed. Shut up. Okay, my point is I'm willing to die.
Starting point is 00:48:22 My point is I'm willing to die. Here's the one thing you don't understand is that Mrs. Swift is heading towards Sandemus ER, one of the best medical facilitations in the world. You didn't hear me. I would be willing to bet that you'll kill yourself
Starting point is 00:48:36 before those doctors can't put her back together. You didn't hear me. I send her to urgent care. There's at best a part-time guy there from a clown college who is authorized to hand out band-aids and nothing else he'll get you a flu shot and a band-aid willie's still like in zone of truth right yes hey willie master if that makes you happy or whatever kind of um cool cool cool i was just like wondering like what are you afraid of? And he just looks at you
Starting point is 00:49:06 silent. He doesn't have to answer and he chooses not to. I'm going to ask Willie this. What is going to happen when she communes with the doodler? Willie says
Starting point is 00:49:14 I'm not entirely sure. What do you think is going to happen? What I'm hoping is going to happen I'm going to talk to the doodler through her convince the doodler
Starting point is 00:49:22 to give me its power. Wait, you said she was going to talk to the doodler now you're talking to the doodler. Yeah, the doodler's within her so she can talk to it as well but I'm going to talk to the doodler through her. Convince the doodler to give me its power. Wait, you said she was going to talk to the doodler. Now you're talking to the doodler. Yeah, the doodler's within her, so she can talk to it as well, but I'm pretty convincing, so. Oh, we can not let Willie talk to the doodler.
Starting point is 00:49:31 Yeah. We're not going to let you talk to the doodler, dude. Well, I'm not going to let you leave this room without killing Taylor's mom, so. I mean, okay, well, we'll fight you if you do that. But then you're going to kill his mom. What are you going to do? But once he kills his mother,
Starting point is 00:49:41 there's nothing he has on us. No, I'll fight you before you kill my mom. So Willie walks down with the knife still at his hand, there's nothing he has on us. No! I'll fight you before you kill my mom! So Willie walks down with the knife still at his hand and with his other hand he extends it to Scary and he goes, your best chance of stopping me
Starting point is 00:49:50 is to talk with the doodler and convince it otherwise. I'm going to try to grapple Willie. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Okay. He's right here now. I got an eight though
Starting point is 00:49:58 on hit DC, so. Yeah, no, you missed and he also rolled a 19 for a dexterity dodging. So he just palms your face and just pushes you to the side. And Greg goes, don't you fucking touch my kid. I, uh, I'm going to cast hold person on Willie. So hold person just prevents him from moving, right?
Starting point is 00:50:13 They're paralyzed for the duration. Ooh. Okay. Up for a minute. He has to make a wisdom 15 saving throw. 18. God damn it. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:50:22 Who has the Heelys? Me. Hey, uh, Norm, can I borrow your shoes real quick? My shoes? Okay. I kick my shoes off and throw them to you. Yeah, here's some Doc Martens. Okay.
Starting point is 00:50:34 I put your Doc Martens on. We're the same size. I have tiny feet. I guess I should let you guys all know now that I've got these cool Heelys that I've made my decision. I'm going to go with Willie. And she reaches out her hands towards Willie. And he takes it.
Starting point is 00:50:52 No, she actually swipes through her hair. Very cool. And races towards the chair. Taylor's also going to race towards the chair. I'm going to attack Willie. I'm going to cast whole person on Willie. Let's also going to race towards the chair. I'm going to attack Willie. I'm going to cast whole person on Willie. All right, let's all roll initiative.
Starting point is 00:51:07 Okay. 20 for initiative. 17. I got 15. Natural one. Taylor's just too flabbergasted about his mom. And then each of you
Starting point is 00:51:21 on your turn can also basically use your dads for a free action. Except for Beth, sorry. That's okay. No, Beth gets lark. Beth gets lark. That's right, because you all get to bully our dads.
Starting point is 00:51:30 Yes, you all get to bully your dads. So Link, you get to go first. Ooh, I got an extra attack. So instead of once, you can take an extra attack your turn. Okay, yeah. I'm just going to try to grapple him. So I'm going to attack him. Okay.
Starting point is 00:51:40 That's an eight. That is not going to do it. He once again palms your face the exact, you went at him the exact same way and he palms your face and pushes you away the exact same way that you tried. And I get a third time's a charm. And I get a nine.
Starting point is 00:51:53 I get an attack twice. In a turn. So you do it, but you do the exact same thing, but you try to juke him out first and then you go back for the exact same, try to like approach him. You won't be expecting it a third time the same way. And then he said, I can have Grant do something. Yeah yeah i'm not talking to him still but he sees what i'm
Starting point is 00:52:09 throwing down and he tries to grapple up too so you have that character sheet like son like can i roll the 20 can i roll the 20 sure because he's grappling willie and not hurting him he's going to still try to attack him why don't you roll for that i mean considering my luck i gotta get a better one this time god damn it in. He does the exact same thing that his son did. The exact same step to the left, step to the right, go for the grapple. It happens four times in a row. And every single time, Willie palms the exact same part of the air and shoves it back.
Starting point is 00:52:34 All right, it is Scary's turn. Well, he's like, every single time. Also, both Grant and Emily are like, there was no way he'll expect the same. Can I roll to see if there's a part of my memory that has access to like something Willie said about like what he's afraid
Starting point is 00:52:52 of or anything like that? Anything about his past? I don't believe he literally ever said he was afraid of anything when he was talking to you. But go ahead and roll insight because there's something I feel like you would be able to like intuit you know if you get a good enough insight roll. Okay. 19. Okay. So with a 19 you can tell that he is terrified of having to take care of somebody. He's terrified of death. He's terrified of being embarrassed, of being feeling lesser than
Starting point is 00:53:17 anyone. He's terrified of having a lack of control. He's terrified of having it confirmed that he's not as smart as he thinks he is. What about water? Oh, like literally. Yeah. He's definitely terrified of drowning. Okay. I cast Hallucinatory Terrain.
Starting point is 00:53:35 You make a natural terrain in a 150-foot cube and range look, sound, and smell like some other sort of natural terrain. Thus, open fields or a road can be made to resemble a swamp, hill, crevasse, or some other difficult, impassable terrain. Okay. If the difference isn't obvious by touch, a creature carefully examining the illusion can attempt an intelligence check
Starting point is 00:53:55 against your spell save DC to disbelieve it. So by touch. So if he feels not wet, he can roll an intelligence save and see if he can see through it. Yes. Okay. I'm going to make this look like a lake. Great. Yeah, you would have read about that in the journal, the original that was left.
Starting point is 00:54:08 That's great. Okay, so suddenly a pond with fish swimming around, and it appears, do you want it like around Willy, near Willy, like he's in the middle of it, kind of? Like he's on the edge, about to fall in. Okay, awesome. He looks down and back, and he is going to roll
Starting point is 00:54:23 a wisdom saving throw, see if he freaks out or not he fails and he goes fuck and he steps forward a couple of steps to uh be even closer in range to um the wilson boys he did not touch it so i don't think he is justified in rolling an intelligence check to disbelieve it so he's going to have to avoid that if he wants to move toward the chair um and then i'm using my movement to just move closer to the chair i guess okay great yeah are you healing yeah healing oh is that like a bonus to movement yeah why don't you roll dexterity see if you can stay upright with the healings oh no oh man they look so much cooler than wait no it's only a seven it's only okay okay it's
Starting point is 00:55:08 not great it's still not good like you still like and sort of fall prone because you're not ready for this wait a second does that break the illusion because she doesn't fall through the water i'm actually going to use dark one's own luck um once per short rest when you make an ability check use this feature to add a d10 to your roll. Great. That one is a one. Fuck me. Oh my God. So yeah, you fall onto your hands and knees into the illusory pond
Starting point is 00:55:33 and there are no ripples or anything and you don't fall in the water. I'm going to see, because Willy's definitely facing you, so he will see that. Sorry, he was first guarding against the Wilson boy, so let me roll to see if he turns around to see what happens.
Starting point is 00:55:44 He's avoiding some pretty damaging punches coming at him. He's avoiding one punch four times. So yeah, he's going to turn around and see that something is awry, which is going to give him license to make an intelligence check. Something's awry. So he's going to make an intelligence check to see if he can tell. Got an 18. So he can tell that that is not real.
Starting point is 00:56:01 They're harder than they look, Scary. I should have warned you. God damn it. Alright, it is Normal's turn. Normal is going to fucking, like, the goal here is to just delay Willy so that we can fucking... Scary was running to the... The chair. The chair.
Starting point is 00:56:15 Yeah. And I'm assuming that means if, like, she's on the chair and Willy's not there, Willy can't speak to the doodler, right? Yeah. I mean, that's what I assumed. Let's try and hold him. Yeah. Yeah, we're just trying to hold him. Okay, I am going to, I'm going to just try to hold person again. Okay. That's another 15 wisdom saving throw.
Starting point is 00:56:30 Okay, 17. He's throwing rocks. Wait, then I get to use Sparrow to do something, right? You sure do. What is class's Sparrow? Sparrow is a druid. What manner of spells does Sparrow have? Sparrow used to be able to turn into a love wolf,
Starting point is 00:56:44 but he's lost that confidence in himself. Oh, no. No. Damn. Does Sparrow have hold person? Yeah, well, Sparrow tried hold. Like father, like son all across the board. All right, so he got a 13.
Starting point is 00:56:58 So he's going to use one of his legendary resistances to resist the hold person. You don't know how many he has. Oh, fuck. He has used one of them. All right, well, it's been Whiff City over here. Who's next? Willie is next.
Starting point is 00:57:08 So Willie is going to walk away from the Whiff and Sons, Wilson and Oak, and is going to just very calmly walk behind Scaria. He's going to grab her by the shoulder and help her to her feet. Can I roll to dodge his hand? Yeah, you can absolutely roll to resist. Okay.
Starting point is 00:57:24 Seven again. Get a natural one. Yeah. All Yeah, you can absolutely roll to resist. Okay. Seven again. Got a natural one. Alright, so you managed to duck out of the way of his hand. You do the hair thing again. Psych! I can't believe you fell for it again! He goes, God! You can see it really gets to him that he falls for something so childish
Starting point is 00:57:39 so quickly, but he's going to go ahead and keep moving and walk towards the chair. So he's once again leaning against the chair, waiting for you. Willie is next to the chair. Scary is a full move away from the chair. So on her next turn, if she move moves, she'll be able to sit in the chair. If she moves and takes an action, she'll be
Starting point is 00:57:55 next to the chair. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor knows that there's really not much we can do against Willie without hurting his mom. I'm going to cast silence on willie uh duration no sound can be created within or pass through a 20 foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose i think it's going to be his belt buckle okay any creature object entirely inside the sphere is immune to thunder damage and creatures are deafened while entirely inside the casting a spell that includes verbal component is impossible so anybody inside silence is deafened while entirely inside of it. Casting a spell that includes verbal component is impossible. So anybody inside silence is deafened.
Starting point is 00:58:27 Yes. So that means anybody sitting at the chair will also be deafened. Deafened, yes. But he also can't say anything. Correct. Yeah. Okay, good to know.
Starting point is 00:58:34 And I think the way that this spell forms is it's just a very, very obnoxious, loud, like Japanese toy that like plays an anime theme song and I throw it at his feet like it magnetizes onto his belt buckle and goes like you know it's like a hatsune miku song great who's deafened right now so right now just willie and anybody who gets near the chair will be deafened but i'm gonna say because you did put it on his belt buckle you'll see that and he'll
Starting point is 00:58:58 be able to move the belt buckle on his turn if he wants to it's fair it's fair it's fair okay so it is now hermy and nick's turn at the end of the initiative those characters that we love so much and always have at the very front of our minds so hermy goes what what do i do and he looks to you all for suggestions grapple what i was gonna do we're all doing her we get in there okay so he's gonna sprint he's gonna use his full move to sprint towards the um the throne so he's now next to willie he's going to sprint. He's going to use his full move to sprint towards the throne. So he's now next to Willie. He's the only one next to Willie right now. And he goes, what?
Starting point is 00:59:28 Because he's deafened by the noise of the anime. We already said it before you ran. Oh, and he nods. And he's like, right. I'm grappling. Well, he can't do that until his next turn, but he will try. It's now Nick's turn. And he goes, what do I do, son?
Starting point is 00:59:41 What do you want? Get back to mom and try and get that ring off of her. I'll do my best. Drag her to hell. She's also busy being like, she fucking married this guy? Dad, dad! She fucking married him?
Starting point is 00:59:50 I slap him. Dad! You gotta stop fucking getting in your own head and you gotta save the woman you love. Can you do it? Can you save the woman you love? And Willie's deaf, so he's not hearing any of this no he's not
Starting point is 01:00:06 rolling persuasion this is a line from mononoke i feel like that's an advantage great you both love mononoke because it's three plus one you know so i want to throw a roll with yeah go ahead and do another roll 12 plus 1 13 13 he goes i don't think your mom wants to see me that much anymore chief then. Then do it anyway! That's a fair point. I should want to save her life no matter what. Here I go. Yeah, what the hell, Dan?
Starting point is 01:00:31 Well, I did lose the ability to make portals. What? Remember I mentioned that the other day? I do not recall. Oh! I kind of remember, yeah. Oh, fuck. Well, we'll get you there.
Starting point is 01:00:40 Don't worry about it. I'm the king of sending you places, remember? All right, I'll hold my turn until after one of you does something to send me back. If you will die in hell, they go nowhere. If she was in hell, what would happen? If she was in hell and she died, she would go nowhere. So she'd just be there? No, she would go nowhere.
Starting point is 01:00:56 Her soul would leave that plane of existence and go to we know not where. Real hell. Real hell, super hell. There's already a super hell because this podcast is stupid as fuck. It's for people who say the B word, remember? Yeah, yeah, there's already a super hell, Matt. All right, so we're back at the top of the initiative. He is going to hold his turn, Nick is.
Starting point is 01:01:14 Is it his year turn, Link? That guy's like, ramble. Do it, do it. So you know, he is a sprint away. So in order to get to him, you have to spend your full turn moving to him. Beth, what's your plan with Scary? What are you trying to do? Out of character,
Starting point is 01:01:26 I'm trying to make sure that Willie is away from the chair and then sit in it. And we don't really know how the whole, like, him wanting to commune with Scary works exactly, right? You have not been told specifics because he's never done it before. Alright, I yell at him when he's still in the zone of truth. He can't
Starting point is 01:01:42 hear you. Cool. I mean... I guess I'll just grapple him again you'd have to sprint to him oh that's god damn it fine i know what i fucking you're your stupid mom taylor you take that back i'm gonna i'm gonna take a full move and i'm going to cast the okay so you are halfway to the chair i'm halfway to the chair so next turn i can do one normal move and attack because there's no reason to double move and not do anything i'm going to run i'm going to cast beacon of hope on scary i use all my spell slots that does hope and vitality and for the duration each target has an advantage on wisdom saving throws which feels important for if scary's gonna go in that chair great that is scary's turn now
Starting point is 01:02:20 i'm just gonna hit willie back with my Eldritch Blast cantrip, but... I'm a Taylor's mom. Please remember my mom, Gary. I'm actually, sorry, I'm going to hold my turn. Okay. It's now Normal's turn. Normal seeing Taylor slap his dad and try to get him in the game and realize what's going on. Steps up and I'm like, guys, don't you see?
Starting point is 01:02:41 That's it. That's how we're going to get the ring off of her. I put my hands on Nick's shoulders. I say, she loved you once. You've got to convince her to take that ring off, bro. And I cast banishment on him. He's like, what? You banish him.
Starting point is 01:02:56 And so now. Oh, shit. No, he goes back to his home portal. If I ban his home, if I ban. Yeah, he goes to hell. Oh, fuck. Well, then I can't banish him. Well, let's fuck it.
Starting point is 01:03:04 Let's say it's more fun if he goes back to the same realm as. Hell's got goes to hell. Oh, fuck. Well, then I can't banish him. Well, let's fuck it. Let's say it's more fun if he goes back to the same realm as Cassandra. But hell's got like elevators and shit. Yeah, hell's got elevators. Yeah, hell's got portals. So everything is moving
Starting point is 01:03:12 super slow in the other realms. So the next six seconds are going to be like a day for him. So he's going to do his best to seduce Cassandra Swift into getting rid of her new husband
Starting point is 01:03:24 and going back to the old shitty one. Dad, listen to me. You have one day to make her fall back in love with you. Assuming she can just take off the ring if she falls in love with him. Assuming that's how it works, yes. Assuming that's how it works. And Will has one day to write this screenplay.
Starting point is 01:03:37 It's wild. Okay. So he goes, I'll do my best. Like an old sex comedy song starts playing um and he disappears and willie gets he's gonna try to roll let's see if he sees it so willie gets a call on his phone that he unfortunately can't hear but he feels the vibrate and he pulls it out and he's like and he turns to you guys and he shows you the phone and it's nick locked outside of cassandra's house going knocking on the doors like a ring cam it's a ring cam it's a ring game he's like locked outside of Cassandra's house going knocking on the doors. It's like a ring cam.
Starting point is 01:04:05 It's the ring cam. It's a ring cam. He's like, oh man. And Cassandra's like, she looks like freaked out that he's there. And he's like, oh, oh, oh. It seems to be, it seems that he rolled a five
Starting point is 01:04:13 in his attempt to seduce her and get her to love him again. Oh man, I thought you said your dad was cool. He is cool. Look at him. Let him cook. Let him cook. All right.
Starting point is 01:04:23 Just the first go. That's just his opening gambit you don't win a chess game in three moves he's playing the long game like he always taught me wait a minute he didn't teach me shit it is willie's turn now he's going to cast verbally oh good off vsm willie's finger you're right so he can't cast anything unless he gets rid of that thing happens to her. Oh. So he is going to try to look down at his belt at the thing that is irritating him with its Hatsune Miku pop song, and he's going to try to remove it.
Starting point is 01:04:53 And his pants fell down. His pants will fall down. All right. So the 14, I feel like it's a bonus action. Removing his belt. Yeah. So he's going to remove his belt and toss it aside. And so how long is he showing Dungeons and Dragons? Six seconds. Are you wearing a belt? No. And I have a belt. Absolutely. Yeah. So he's going to remove his belt and toss it aside. And so how long is he showing Dungeons
Starting point is 01:05:05 and Dragons? Six seconds. Are you wearing a belt? No. And I have a belt. You you you he's ripping the belt off in six
Starting point is 01:05:12 seconds. He's ripping the thing off of his belt. I will say tear away pants. OK, he rips the thing off his belt, but it takes his buckle with
Starting point is 01:05:19 it and his pants fall down. Are you happy now? You feel like you've done something? Yeah. And now he's going to try to cast whole person on all of you.
Starting point is 01:05:26 He's going to use it, a fifth level spell slot. Uh-oh. So each of you is going to individually have to roll a wisdom saving throw of 19 or higher. What? You got advantage though, Beth.
Starting point is 01:05:38 Okay. 15. He's not using it on Beth, sorry. He's using it on everybody except for Scary. 15. 15, not good enough. Shut up. Rolled a 19, bitch. 26. Wow. Okay, using it on everybody except for scary. 15. 15. Not good enough. Shut up. Rolled a 19,
Starting point is 01:05:46 bitch. 26. Wow. Okay. Good enough for you. I got a four. So Link and Taylor get paralyzed.
Starting point is 01:05:52 Normal. What does normal do that it doesn't work on him? He just pees his pants and it works for some reason. That's what he's
Starting point is 01:06:01 reaching out with his psychic hand to stop everyone. He's like, you know, that kid. Link sees this and tries peed his pants. Link sees this and tries to pee his pants.
Starting point is 01:06:07 The title of piss boy has been passed on now. Okay, so that was his turn. He's not going to move. So now it is Taylor's turn. Taylor,
Starting point is 01:06:16 you are paralyzed. Help your dad out. Call your mom. Siri, call my mom. I tell Siri to call my mom. Paralyzed creature can't move or speak.
Starting point is 01:06:23 I'm so sorry. At the end of each of its turns, the player can make another wisdom saving throw. So unfortunately, I think you're pretty much fucked here on this turn, but you can make
Starting point is 01:06:32 a wisdom saving throw now to try to break the hold. I got 18. Taylor, like for a second, you know, it's like sleep paralysis where you're like, you're trying to,
Starting point is 01:06:41 you're just like, all I need to do is wiggle my toe and then I'll unlock my brain to allow me to move the rest. And I just sit there like concentrating and I pee my pants. Just three piss boys now.
Starting point is 01:06:52 Well, that was your turn. So Scary, you held your turn. Are you going to take it? What if I was like casting a spell that would otherwise affect his whole body, but I use the belt like a tourniquet to like only target one part of his body? I would say that would take your full turn to pull off,
Starting point is 01:07:10 but you're like moving towards him now. So what are you trying to do? So what are you trying to do? I would cast like vampiric touch on him, like a necrotic spell, like trying to make his finger essentially die. But I would tourniquet his arm. Oh, so that the poison doesn't
Starting point is 01:07:25 spread to the rest of his body. That's cool as hell. I like that idea but I'm going to say to make it a more difficult dramatic choice that because you didn't
Starting point is 01:07:32 start your turn next to him you have to take half of your turn getting to him and then you can cast that spell this turn if you want to but you're not going to be able to put the tourniquet
Starting point is 01:07:40 on because you don't have enough time. So you might take the whole arm. Yeah I'd be killing or kill her. Yeah. Or you could do the tourniquet first and then do it the next turn. That's true. You could do the tourniquet first because you don't have enough time. So you might take her whole arm. Yeah, I'd be killing her. Yeah. Or you could do the tourniquet first and then do it the next.
Starting point is 01:07:47 That's true. You could do tourniquet first this time and then next turn and do him. And you do go before him. Yes, you do. Yeah, because she held her turn. Cool. I'm kicking the Heelys off running barefoot over to him and I grab his belt that he's just thrown off and I wrap it around his arm.
Starting point is 01:08:02 OK, I don't think you have to roll for that. I think that's reasonable. I think he is confused as to what you're doing, but I don't think he's going to try too hard to stop you. So now we're back up to the top. It is Link's turn again. Link, you are paralyzed. You can't do anything,
Starting point is 01:08:11 but you can go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw to see if you can get out of it. Got a 17. Ooh, sorry. Grant does the thing that makes it so I'm no longer paralyzed. Okay. You're not paralyzed anymore.
Starting point is 01:08:23 Congratulations. Wait, really? No. you're not paralyzed anymore congratulations oh wait really no grants are i think a range which ones are the best snipers i think you did mention he was a ranger yeah he's a ranger a fellow ranger so he too is learned in all the different environments that one can be in so if you need him to tell you how best to move forward in a lava-like environment he can help you. I'm going to hold Grant's turn. Okay. Freddie, you tell me if there's anything cool
Starting point is 01:08:50 that Grant can do since he's a ranger. I'll tell you right now, unless we're in the Arctic, a forest, or some kind of desert. Under the influence of Beacon of Hope, Scary hears a voice in her head that's like, it's okay, just take it a step at a time. Just do things slow and then maybe you can make everything change for the better she's beginning to believe
Starting point is 01:09:12 i cast vampiric touch aiming at willie's hands specifically his ring finger okay um so i've got plus seven to hit on this on a hit the target takes 3d6 necrotic damage okay fuck yeah 19 plus seven all right so you touch his ring finger and it turns to ash almost instantly all the moisture sucking away from his finger into the air and turning into a red mist it crumbles to ash and falls off and not only, but the rest of his hand does as well. So actually go ahead and roll damage. I don't know. Sorry, Taylor. No!
Starting point is 01:09:51 Wait, we got like regrow limbs though. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know. Should be fine. No! 5d6, okay. 5d6, okay. Go ahead and roll that.
Starting point is 01:10:01 20. So yeah, with 20 damage, I'm going to go ahead and say that it takes his full hand. His hand goes sallow and you can see in his other hand that was still holding the phone you see cassandra lift up her arm and go ah and her hand does the exact same thing happens to her but the ring falls off um and the ring falls off of his hand as well so now it is going to be i believe william's turn yes it's normal's turn. I am going to cast Guiding Bolt at Willy. Okay. A flash of light streaks towards him from my hand.
Starting point is 01:10:29 So this is a ranged spell attack. Does a 14 hit? It does. AC's 13. Ooh. All right, so that's 8d6. Ooh. All right, so a fucking lightning bolt blasts
Starting point is 01:10:41 from Normal's fingertips and like a sort of sure you can move and hits willie and it does 35 damage 35 damage okay that's good this is a bolt of light you're saying a bolt of lightning a bolt of lightning ah a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes him from through the church's roof came from my hands but oh did you know let's do that it comes through the church a la god okay yeah so god looks down and goes no and uh big bolt of lightning hits willie and it singes him pretty fucking bad.
Starting point is 01:11:05 So in a very short period of time, he lost a hand and electric voltage just runs through his fucking body and his hair's all standing on end and stuff now. It's going to be his turn. He's going to push Scary into the chair. Can you roll opposed dexterity?
Starting point is 01:11:20 Why does she have to be? I won't tell you. It's exciting. For drama. Fuck, yeah. 19 plus three. I got so many 19s this episode. It's exciting. For drama. Fuck yeah, 19 plus three. I got so many 19s this episode, it's wild. He got an 18 plus four. So you tied.
Starting point is 01:11:31 Fuck. Which means that he just barely pushes you onto the chair. And as your butt hits the seat, you see the shape of the universe. Oh. The. Weird. All the shape of the universe. Oh. Weird.
Starting point is 01:11:47 All the knowledge of ages and all the emotions and pain of childhood and adulthood and being a father and being a son and being a daughter, all that runs through your body instantly. Everybody else can see as your body slowly begins to turn this bright purple color as it glows, as you begin to convulse in the chair, your jaw agape and your eyes turning white in their sockets. And in this moment, you can feel the presence of the doodler and you can feel that his anchors are broken
Starting point is 01:12:15 and that he is free and that the dominant emotion that he is feeling, there's a one in four chance that it's going to be hate and there's a three out of four chance that it's going to be love. I have a D4 in my hands. I'm going to roll that, and there's a three out of four chance that it's going to be love. I have a d4 in my hands. I'm going to roll that, and then we are going to end the episode. Which one's hate?
Starting point is 01:12:29 One is hate. Anything else is love. Your eyes turn purple, entirely purple. Your mouth opens, and using your voice, you hear an eldritch, unknowable creature say, I love you guys. I love you guys. Thank you. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today.
Starting point is 01:13:36 We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow, break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, is Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Thank you. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks to Allison, who provided the name we used in this episode. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon. These are people like Max Harding, Hunter Ditzler, Ryukyu Dogs, Dustin Moore, Katie McGillicuddy, James Brown, Hype Family, Bjorn, Moth, Alpas, Tyler, Speedy Chicken, Spike, Nicole Nevin, McKenna Roberts, Joseph Richardson, Jacob, Emil J, Hastursong, and Amanda Martin.
Starting point is 01:14:43 You too can support this podcast at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. And if you're on the West Coast, come see us live for the Do or Dice 2003 tour. That's a five-city West Coast tour. We're doing Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego. That's happening the week of August 21st. More info at dungeonsanddads.com slash live. And don't worry, by the way, we here are the rest of you out there in the other parts of the country and the world. This is going to be our first ever foray into doing a live show in front of actual people, and we are beyond excited.
Starting point is 01:15:06 We have some surprises in store. We're doing this as a bit of a test run, too, because some of the dads on the show, it turns out they're fresh, actual dads in real life. So we're not quite there to do, like, a big, huge, long, multi-city tour. But if this tour goes well, you know, a lot of good data there.
Starting point is 01:15:19 Who knows? Tickets are going fast. I believe some of the cities are already sold out as I record this. But check it out, dungeonsand daddies.com slash live. Speaking of our patron, that's where you want to go for tons of bonus content or after show access to our fun discord community,
Starting point is 01:15:31 where we do live listens for every episode. He's supported the show starting at just five bucks a month. And this is a will turn a phrase that he particularly enjoys. The first five bucks gets you ad free episodes. The rest of that bonus content is free. We also got murder mystery mini series. We're in the process of finishing up with a stack we also got murder mystery mini series we're in the process of finishing up with a stacked cast you know some familiar voices in there and some
Starting point is 01:15:48 new ones as well that's gonna be called dad then there were none a dad at the christy who dadded that's gonna be coming out very soon as we put the finishing touches on those episodes that's gonna be on the patreon so be there when it drops patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddads.com our merch is at store.dungeonsanddads.com our subreddit is dungeonsanddads and our next episode is coming out August 1st we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no, not today we live for tomorrow
Starting point is 01:16:14 baked steel and bottle brave while we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow You are down. God damn it. Stop vibrating. Um,
Starting point is 01:16:37 that he's referring to his phone. Ladies and gentlemen, put that down. He's referring to the only way I can get into the zone guys. I'm sorry. My, my P zone. Um,
Starting point is 01:16:45 yeah.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.