Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 39 - Hey, Dude!

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

The teens finally commune with The Doodler.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsand...dads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. My wedding day is right around the corner, and I'm looking for a special ring for my special lady. Come on down to the Shaman Company, Willie. Our buyers scour the darkest corners of the realm for the best deals on enchanted rings of unimaginable power. And unlike other peddlers of accursed trinkets, at the Shaman Company, we buy straight from the source, errers who forged them. Oh. Shackle her fate to yours with our new cursed companion wedding rings each beautifully engraved platinum band is imbued with evil magics that will turn your blushing bride
Starting point is 00:00:35 into a human shield oh she'll love that nothing says till death do us part like an unbreakable curse that inflicts whatever harm befalls you onto the one you love most. Her family members will think twice before moving against you, knowing that her innocent blood will be shed in equal measure to yours. That'll come in handy when her idiot son tries to thwart my plans to enslave the doodler. And when my in-laws are in town. Now you have a friend in the villainy business, the Shaman Company. Just off Brondar's Way at Solmore Street, open Lathandar through Tempest till dusk,
Starting point is 00:01:03 Kalemvor and Soon till 5. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent back as a whole mishmash. Oh, I thought you were going to do it. I was like, he's in the
Starting point is 00:01:19 he's finally in the groove. He's going the distance. And then you did your thing with it. Four teens from our world. He's beginning to believe. Anthony, will Freddie know when it's going to be the last episode so we can finally get a pitch? Let me give you the real one. Four teams from our world sent back to our world to fix the mess that their grandparents made. That was pretty good. Okay.
Starting point is 00:01:36 That was all right. I wouldn't listen to that podcast. Yeah. I wouldn't either. We'll workshop that. What if I told you one of the teens was a Garfield fan? My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:01:45 Yeah, name that too. The ranger survivalist teen. Really? I gotta say, Anthony, really regretting the ranger. I tried to tell you early on. I know. But like, boy, oh, boys are a lot of shit that just does not. Can we do a career day episode where we get to respect?
Starting point is 00:02:00 That'd be tight. Do you know what I mean? Like we go to career day and it's like, I'm really into being a druid or whatever do you know what i mean because warlock looks cool and then you realize you just like come out all of your spell slots like immediately and you're just like i can't go again until you take a nap so you take a nap and then you're ready in the nap and then you're good oh god taylor's teen fact this week taylor has been quietly doing little remixes of the MP3s on his computer. He's his Winamp still. Taylor still uses his Winamp.
Starting point is 00:02:31 And then he's just been going through his anime theme songs and the various RPG, OSTs, and just being like, EQ could use a little mix here. He's just kind of getting into the amateur music sort of thing. You're setting up a DJ arc, aren't you? All is this is a regression to the mean if i've ever seen one is taylor a soundcloud rapper oh my god oh that's a good one beth i think he may be but it may be just like anime raps and it's like how he's like i got my hair i'm i've got my hair up i'm gonna tear up this club yeah that's the fact that taylor's a soundcloud rapper and i think i have some work to do this week and all the songs have taylor's version at the end that's good hey everybody my
Starting point is 00:03:12 name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson still lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid who's the productive paladin of the group i want to point out that matt's reading something right now no i'm just i was like oh did you, I'm just zoning out. Oh, did you cook? Did you cook like a full fact? I'm just zoning out at my D&D Beyond page. I thought you had like a whole thing ready to go. I think it's just because my hit points are 64 and just 64, I just can't look at that number without like fucking, just like Ratatouille taking a bite.
Starting point is 00:03:35 It's just like every video game I've ever loved. A little known fact about Lincoln. So you all know Lincoln as the very soft-spoken, polite-to-author authority figure at school. Little do you know, at his old school, he was quite the bad boy. Oh, my God. Back at the Lee Wilson family school for cool kids. He got detention all the time.
Starting point is 00:03:56 What? And that's because the first time he got in trouble, Marco said, when a kid gets detention, what they really need is attention. So whenever he gets detention he just has to go it was gonna be he just has to go to lunch with his dads and they just have to pay attention to him and they talk to him and be like what's going on with you like like why were you acting out so now link you got a crush on anybody at school yeah so like essentially just gets detention every day because he just wants to go out and get lunch with his dads so yeah
Starting point is 00:04:21 wow permanent record can i ask you then when he got to you know sort of normie school the first day he got detention because remember he peed on we had detention ready that was the first episode yeah yeah yeah he thought it was gonna be lunchtime with the principal but it was not it was with all you five and now he's fucked now we're in this now we're here hi everyone i'm will campos i play normal oak perky pepper chipper cheery school spirit mascot kid uh who's also a cleric my fact about normal this week is that the oak swallows garcia household is a strictly shoes on in the house oh my gosh you have to wear shoes you can get in trouble if you don't put shoes on they'll be like are you gonna take your shoes off in my house
Starting point is 00:05:00 that's a sign of disrespect will you are attacking me my people my culture what the fuck i told cherish this fact she was like stop asian hate what do you do i uh so where it comes from goes all the way back to oakvale where in oakvale everyone walks around barefoot and they never clean up so their feet get so dirty and stinky that they're like you can't get those dirty feet inside this house. So they would put on sandals and slippers and stuff back in Oakville. And then this became a core and grain thing for Henry and it's just gone down the road ever since. You know, one of the really nuanced
Starting point is 00:05:33 ways we tackle the theme of intergenerational trauma on this podcast. And just like cultural diversity. Like this podcast got it all. So fucked. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore.
Starting point is 00:05:52 Nice. Fun fact about Scary is that after Scary first sort of became a goth punk seeker of darkness, her mom was concerned, startled even, and wanted to take her to a therapist
Starting point is 00:06:06 that specialized in depression, to which Scary said, I don't have depression. Are there any therapists who specialize in normal reactions to a fucked up world? And Veronica kind of dropped it after that. But fun fact, there are therapists in this universe that specialize in normal reactions to fucked up worlds. I was hoping you were going to say that there are goth therapists that only treat goths. That'd be pretty tight.
Starting point is 00:06:34 There kind of are. Yeah. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. And my dad fact is I have a goth therapist. Hey, dad. Wait, really? No.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Oh. I don't know how to do dad facts. It's hard. When it's about you, when it's you exposed to the universe to just fucking bury your soul to a bunch of strangers. I started masturbating when I was 12. And stopped.
Starting point is 00:06:51 And stopped. One and done. I was like, never again. I don't like how that made me feel. I don't get it. I don't see the appeal. I don't get it. Last episode. We beat the game!
Starting point is 00:07:11 You made it to a quasi-NBOS scenario in which Willy was standing next to the chair that allows you to commune with the doodler. He wanted Scary to be in the chair communing with the doodler so that he can control the doodler, use a cast zone of truth on him so he cannot lie to you currently, and you want him to be nowhere near the chair
Starting point is 00:07:23 when that happened. As it stands, he is standing right next to the chair. He shoved Scary in. The doodler's voice entered Scary and came out and said, I love you guys. So did we hear that too? Yeah, it came out of Scary's mouth using the doodler's voice. That voice sounds like she just drank one of those purple grimace milkshakes. Nice.
Starting point is 00:07:39 Yeah, Scary nutted so hard she saw the shape of the doodler and spoke to you. Is that the thing with the grimace shakes? No. Do they make you nut? No. No, Anthony. Oh, they kill you? Anthony, boy, oh, boy, did you miss this trend?
Starting point is 00:07:49 Sounds like someone who stopped jerking off when they were 12 this year. Yep. Everything makes me cum now. Life is so hard. That's why I'm so hard. Can you imagine if McDonald's released a new product that made you nut? That's how they get vegans back. That's how they get millennials back.
Starting point is 00:08:05 Listen, listen, listen. Have you had your cum today? Listen, the ice cream machine is going to be broken, but we have a new machine. Just fucking unsatisfied wives just driving their seven-year-old husbands to the drive-thru. We have the cum machine at home.
Starting point is 00:08:23 All I know is that's on a whiteboard at McDonald's somewhere after the Grimace milkshake. They're like, I don't know, Mayor McCheese, chicken nuggets make you a cum. It's Mayor McCheese's reelection campaign, and he's promising to make every McDonald's citizen cum. McDonald's would have lines like Chick-fil-A and In-N-Out, and they'd have to have people standing out on the lines like, hey, what can I get you today? And then you'd have to be in your car being like, yeah, I'll take the nuggets that make you cum, please. I haven't seen lines like this in Szechuan sauce.
Starting point is 00:08:55 It's so embarrassing. Now when I go to McDonald's, I don't want them to know that I'm just there to cum, so I also buy some magazines. I'll get some fries, too. I'll pick up some water, some soda. You know what? Those McNuggets that make you cum, I'll just toss those on. Yeah, I'll get any flurry.
Starting point is 00:09:08 Oh, the machine's broken? That's fine. That's fine. That's cool. I'll take two apple pies. Oh, is the cum machine working? Crazy. Crazy.
Starting point is 00:09:16 Why not? You know what? Let's just throw that in there. I would be like faking phone calls. Like, yeah, honey, I'll be home with the fries. And then what else did you want? Yeah, it's not for me. It's not for me.
Starting point is 00:09:27 It's for my partner who I can't see. Dude, imagine Fridays. It's just like the filet of fish. And today's my cheat day. OK, so you had the doula speaking out of your mouth. He said, I love you guys because of the four anchors that you destroyed. One was destroyed with hate. Three were destroyed with love.
Starting point is 00:09:48 I rolled the dice. It came up three. So that means love, unfortunately, for drama. And yeah. The end credits roll? No. Oh. It could be a fake out.
Starting point is 00:09:59 Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold's. I just have a stupid question. Could you just reiterate, the doodler is easier to control through love or like you know the doodler was going to be easier for willie to convince through hate willie was going to play on a tatred to get him on its side because he's now loving is going to be harder for willie to convince the doodler to join him as you can see as willie is going to try to roll a persuasion check against the doodler. Okay, so yeah, he got a three.
Starting point is 00:10:26 Oh, boy. So he goes, oh, hey, hey, hey, what's up? So here's the thing. What a simp. The thing about love is I love you. I'm such a big fan of the doodler. Such a big fan. And I think we can work together.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Taylor's making jerk off motions in the background. Just every hand, every angle, every conceivable direction. Link thinks you're like shaking a soda can or a paint can. He doesn't know what that action means, so he's just like shaking a paint can. Hey, Willie. Yeah? Nobody's gonna listen to you anymore. So you see panic
Starting point is 00:10:57 set into his eyes for the first time ever. You see him beginning to realize that this plan is actually not going according to what he hoped would happen. So really quick. He's looking towards scary, right? Yes. So he turned away. Yeah, he's turned away from you.
Starting point is 00:11:09 He's looking. I would like to just fucking move stealthily. I think we're going to stay in initiative order. Okay. So I don't remember what the initiatives were before. So let's go ahead and reroll now that everything is different. Combat. Three plus one for 11.
Starting point is 00:11:22 I got a five. Normal got a 12. And just to clarify, the dealerodler's like not here. Is the doodler here with us now? No. The doodler's consciousness is inside Beth. Is the doodler here with us now? So yeah, you can see...
Starting point is 00:11:33 It was like up above us. You can see outside the windows of the Church of the Doodler that the sky is still undulating as the doodler's body is over you still. The doodler is speaking through Scary, but it's not like it has possessed Scary. No, not yet. It hasn't transferred to like her.
Starting point is 00:11:48 Correct. Corpus. Scary just has a doodler on speaker and the speaker is her mouth. Yes, exactly. So first up, it is normal. I got to run over to him, right? If I want to.
Starting point is 00:11:56 Okay. He doesn't remember where you were last episode. You're right next to him. No, I remember you were next. The only people next to him were Scary. Well, because I took a whole turn to run. Oh yeah, you. Normal has seen a fair number of alien movies,
Starting point is 00:12:08 and he knows that first contact is essential, that it goes well. You don't want to be the guy pointing the gun at the alien, and then he zorches you because he misunderstands something. So Normal is just going to... Give him the old grimace shake. All right, I've panicked too long. Normal doesn't know what to do, so he's going to give me a little grimace shake. All right. I panicked too long. Normal is doesn't know what to do.
Starting point is 00:12:28 So he's going to hold his turn. Lincoln looking at normal to see what normal is going to do. I'm like, okay, it's Willie's turn. So Willie's going to try again. And he's going to go, you know,
Starting point is 00:12:42 if you loved these, these people that you say you love, these teens, these kids, you would let Scary go. You would get out of Scary's body. You know, you'd leave her be. So why don't you do that? No, it's good. Now we can respond to this.
Starting point is 00:12:54 Okay. So he gets a 16. The voice of the dude goes, oh, that's a good point. I like Scary. I love Scary. I don't want Scary to be scared. Scary, are you scared with me here and you and with me? I don't know if I should be honest.
Starting point is 00:13:07 Oh, no. Oh, no. I mean, um. Scary doesn't love me. No, I'm not scared. I'm not scared at all. Is that true? I think she's scared.
Starting point is 00:13:13 All right, then go ahead and roll deception. Oh, fuck. That's a natural 20. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. So.
Starting point is 00:13:20 Scary's good at lying about her feelings. The doodler goes like, no, no, no. You are safe in here. I'm safe with scary. Scary and I are best friends. Scary. Yeah. I love you.
Starting point is 00:13:32 Oh, thanks. Fuck you, Willie. Yeah. Fuck you, Willie. Fuck you, Willie. I don't like you. It's so weird hearing this come out of one person. I just got to say everyone.
Starting point is 00:13:40 Okay. So that was Willie's. I'm going to take my turn then. Okay, go ahead. I'm going gonna use my last spell slot for this i'm gonna cast beacon of hope specifically just for i mean we already all have it i believe but just in case we don't i'll cast it on everybody other than willie so that gives us advantage on any sort of wisdom saving grows yeah or yeah wisdom checks and i'm just gonna go
Starting point is 00:13:58 oh buddy right here buddy right here man we all love you too and i'm gonna walk up and give uh scary a big hug like this is this is for you big guy scary has always always loved you we love you too do you feel fully honest in the way you were doing this do you feel like you love the doodler and i feel like i have love for scary and i have love for all of us okay i don't think i know this creature well enough to love it but i definitely wanted to. Okay, so let's roll persuasion instead of deception then. A 12? All right, a 12. He senses that chaotic,
Starting point is 00:14:29 hey, love is messy sometimes, man. Yeah, so with a 12, he can tell that you care about Scary, that you're not sure about him, but the doodler does not outright reject your hug. It doesn't take control of Scary's body to do anything, so it accepts the hug and he goes, oh, it's warm.
Starting point is 00:14:44 Normal is going to cast spirit guardians they are going to take the form of like a teen of the teen kick line okay and then i'm going to sing a song like a broadway song and dance to welcome the doodler to our world and to our group of awesome friends okay roll performance do i get advantage? I can't imagine why you would. I mean, like, I used a spell to help. Do I get a bonus for... Ah, shit. Yeah, I'll give you a bonus. I'll give you a plus five bonus.
Starting point is 00:15:11 Well, I got an eight then. Okay. So what is it about this kickline musical number that sucks so bad that it's not even a 10? I think normal's too close to it. And so we start, and it's like a perfect, like, hello, hello, hello, hello and it's like a 10 way like ahaha it makes Gary clap her hands
Starting point is 00:15:28 unconsciously and then I say well and then they start kicking and they kick me in the ass and I fall over and I go ow! he goes oh no normal got hurt I don't like it when normal gets hurt and tears begin to stream down Gary's face uncontrollably oh he's fine alright now it is Gary's turn i'm going to attack willie with
Starting point is 00:15:48 eldritch blast okay damn that's plus seven to hit three plus seven that's not gonna do it he's got a 13 ac so he dodges out of the way of your elder splash he goes hey i'm the one who gave you that dick that's the last time it's gonna happen so enjoy that oh you're gonna de-level her what taylor's turn fuck taylor's going to walk with his open arms towards scary being like doodler welcome to as he passes by willie he's gonna try to uproar him in the balls okay go ahead and roll he's gonna drop to going to drop to his knees. You know what I'm saying? Like Johnny Cage. Like Johnny Cage Goro. And then just straight up like really torque his whole body
Starting point is 00:16:29 into uppercutting Willie's balls, dude. Okay, go ahead and make an attack roll. Just got to beat a 13. Four plus five, nine. How the fuck can I not beat a fucking 13? I was the same way. I was really hurt emotionally by my dice. By the way, really quick.
Starting point is 00:16:44 I accidentally cut this out from the previous episode but people were like willie's ac is only 13 anthony gave us that last episode because we were rolling and continued to roll so badly i mean it was true that on his character she was 13 i was artificially going to inflate it to make him more of a boss character but you kept rolling so badly i might as well just be honest with you and say that it is a 13 okay so yeah you try to punch him in the balls and he and his hand rushes out and just grabs you by the wrist and fucking twists your wrist really hard, so he's in control of your wrist now, like the whole kung fu kind of thing.
Starting point is 00:17:10 Okay, but I need to understand the physicality of this, because Taylor, of course, took like three Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes, and it's going to be relevant to what's going to happen here. Yeah, it's not so bad that you can't easily get out of it on your turn. So he's grabbing my wrist. He's putting me in a wrist lock between his own legs. He's trying to, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Just making sure. Cool. But it's not so bad that you can't get out of it on between his own legs. He's trying to, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Just making sure. Cool. But not so bad that you can't get out of it on your turn very easily. Does Willie still... What makes you think I want to get out? Willie got pantsed last episode, right? Yes. Is he still in a pants around his ankles,
Starting point is 00:17:36 potential movement obstruction situation? Correct. Okay. Is your turn normal? My turn again. Normal is going to... And I'm going to cast whole person on Willy again because we still don't want him to talk to the doodler, right?
Starting point is 00:17:50 Yeah. All right. I'm going to shoot my shot. Wisdom saving throw of 15. Hell yeah. That's a three. All right. So he is paralyzed.
Starting point is 00:17:56 Paralyzed creature cannot move or speak. Okay. Can we decide to make him speak so he can speak? No, because then he might say something that is hurtful. We can just ask him the hard questions to the doodler with zone of truth. Like, do you love the doodler? Oh, but we're in the zone of truth.
Starting point is 00:18:10 Yeah. So then we shouldn't be able to lie to the doodler. Shit. I forgot that you put the zone of truth on his balls. Yeah. You're right. I mean, I've been on it so far. That realization, let's just play it out in real time
Starting point is 00:18:20 as if the doodler realizes it's being lied to. The zone of truth takes effect. So the doodler, he can feel within your own mind the fact that retroactively what you said to him was not entirely true you do not love the doodler you don't really know the doodler well enough if anything you're really just fucking petrified of it and he goes no no no no no i didn't mean to i didn't mean to scare no no no no no yeah i, no, no, no. Yeah, I didn't either. I totally apologize. No, you lied to me. No, I... You lied to me.
Starting point is 00:18:46 You don't lie to people you love. You lied. You lied. You lied. And you feel anger... Goddammit, that was so quick. ...rising up in your chest. I was so excited.
Starting point is 00:18:54 I thought this was going to be our... Mad, you fool. It's going to be good. So you can feel that he is ambivalent about you. He's not quite sure what to feel. He's not fully hateful or loving right now. One of the first things that happened to him upon entering the human world is that he was
Starting point is 00:19:05 lied to by somebody that he loved. And he doesn't feel great about that. It is your turn, Link. I'm afraid of killing Willie in front of the doodler. I'm like, we don't want to be seen as like the violent ones in this like battle for his soul consciousness. Just us murdering someone while they can't fight back. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:20 Anthony's rolling dice. I haven't done anything yet. Feeling the weight of it. Just feeling the weight of it. For when Willie gets to do his saving throw at the end of his turn. You haven't even taken the safety's rolling dice. You haven't done anything yet, Anthony. I'm feeling the weight of it. I'm just feeling the weight of it. For when Willie gets to do his saving throw at the end of his turn. You haven't even taken the safety off that dice. I've forgotten the feel of polyhedral dice in your dice bag. You've been rolling on D&D Beyond too long.
Starting point is 00:19:35 You've forgotten the weight of dice. Our dads are all here too, right? They are. Oh, shit, they are. Yeah, Lark and Mr. Shit, what's Lark doing? And Grant. Uh-oh, because Lark's like Mr. Take Out the Doodler.
Starting point is 00:19:44 What's Lark up to? Lark is holding his turn until he sees one way or the other what direction this doodler thing is going to go but his hand is on his waistband what's grant doing why is he there's a gun there okay there's a mcnugget grant is waiting for you to do they're all just watching us yes all right seeing that the doodler is freaking out link still just like hugging scary i'm just gonna say hey buddy like you just i mean we don't know you yet i mean i'm happy that your first thought was love we came here to help you out like that is why we're here like normal there he's one of scary's friends he said we have to help them and that's what we're doing and willie that guy's like literally trying to control you or wanted us to like meet you with hate we're just four scared kids trying to fix this man like that's all uh real persuasion do i get advantage for persuasion
Starting point is 00:20:27 since he knows i'm telling the truth because it's zone of truth no yeah okay i like that idea 12 again 11 okay so yeah he's still basically ambivalent about you he knows that willie is not somebody he should necessarily trust but he as far as he's concerned he just sees a bunch of creatures he doesn't recognize all trying to control him when he just showed up, and he's a little bit scared of all of you. Okay, fair enough. Alright, so it's Willy's turn, so he's going to take his turn being paralyzed, and at the end he's going to roll a saving throw.
Starting point is 00:20:53 He got a 15, so he saves. God damn it. That's his whole turn though, right? It's the end of his turn, but he can take a free action, which is to go, Help! And he shouts out the front door. Oh! Mayor McSnarkles with a cadre of at least 10 doodlerized people
Starting point is 00:21:15 bust open the front door. All the normies are going to sprint 30 feet towards you. This is where they actually ended up in the initiative order. And I know, I know for certain they are at least, if not double it, 60 feet away because we had a whole argument last time. No, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:28 So they got a lot of turns to get to us. I was not going to cheese you on that. Don't worry. We got about four turns. You had two sprint turns. Mayor McSnarkles is going to raise her hand. I can't believe her name is Mayor McSnarkles. It's better than the mayor,
Starting point is 00:21:39 in my opinion. It's like finding out Slenderman is named like Bill. Bill Slenderman. A fleshy aperture is going to open up in the center of her palm and she's going to shoot out black and purple blood at you, ranged.
Starting point is 00:21:54 She's going to attack normal with this ranged attack and it is going to do 2d10 damage to normal. How close are you to us normal? As the goop gets onto you and immediately hardens and you feel it bonding with your skin and beginning to siphon nutrients out of your skin. You can feel yourself getting tired.
Starting point is 00:22:09 It's like a horrible, hard leech. How much damage are we talking here? 2d10. 9. Everybody get close to me. I got protection. So now all the minions, the 10 minions, are now 30 feet away from you,
Starting point is 00:22:18 which means next turn they will be able to sprint and get close to you. So they're closest. They're 30 feet away from normal? Like the farthest person from the chair? No, they're close to you now. Okay, so they're at where I am. Yeah. Got it. Okay. I'll get close to you. So they're closest, they're 30 feet away from normal, like the farthest person from the chair? No, they're like close to you now. Okay, so they're at where I am. Yeah. Got it. Okay. I'll get to the chair. Okay, so now it is Scary's turn. How many baddies just came through the door? 11. Plus the mayor? That is including the mayor. 10 and the mayor. Out of character, if we got out of this church, where would we go? Oh, to see the doodler? We kind of
Starting point is 00:22:43 don't have anywhere to go. That's a good point because we're trying to free the doodler. So we need to convince the doodler to leave our realm. That's kind of the goal right now is to be like, you know, we're trying to say goodbye and set him free. But if the doodler is just in scary, can we just like go wherever and talk to him? Yeah, if she gets up from the chair, will the connection be severed? We could take the chair with us. We could take the chair with us.
Starting point is 00:23:01 We don't know if it's like a whole like contraption, but we could take the chair. Do we still have the tape measure? You do. What if we shrink scary on the chair with us. We don't know if it's like a whole contraption, but we could take the chair. Do we still have the tape measure? You do. You still have the tape measure and the sun. What if we shrink Scary on the chair down, and then we put her in our little pocket and we run away? I think she's going to teleport us all. But you could shrink her two more times. Damn, that was a good idea.
Starting point is 00:23:17 Yeah. Okay, I'm just going to keep it simple, and I hope I can do this. I'm going to cast mass suggestion on the 11 people who have just come in. You can just do it on 11 people? I can do it on 12 actually. Jesus Christ. That's what happens at church when you go and they tell you
Starting point is 00:23:34 that it's the blood of Christ and you're in mass and they're suggesting that you, you know. Mass suggestions when you go to the airport and you put your bag on the thing and they say you should probably lose like five pounds of it. Hey,
Starting point is 00:23:45 I think there's a building like a few clicks back that might have some explosives and be dangerous to you, like to like the community. Is that the truth? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:54 Oh no! Can you go check it out? Oh. Okay. They have to make a wisdom saving throw. That's reasonable. Wisdom saving throw
Starting point is 00:23:59 11 times. Fail. Succeed. One. Fail. Succeed. Two. Succeed. Three. Fail. Succeed. Four. Succeed. One. Fail. Succeed. Two. Succeed.
Starting point is 00:24:07 Three. Fail. Succeed. Four. Succeed. Five. Nine. Fail. Ten. This is the mayor's role. This one's the mayor. This one's for the mayor. That is a fail. Nice. So the mayor goes, oh, oh no. Six of you, come with me. We have to go to this other building. Fucking D&D mechanics. Okay, let's go. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:24:24 And they are going to leave the building they are going to on their turn try to leave the building nice hell yeah so yeah now it is the cat bus is turned people the cat bus is going to the campus can't touch the doodler right because it like floats away from you as you get closer to it yeah it can't leap up and touch the i was like nothing more loving than uh the cat was just like rubbing up against the doodler it's just scary yeah we could have the cat come up and snuggle oh yeah it's true it can be like a little security blanket yeah it's scary roll animal handling for the cat bus to see if you as a group can do that i got 12 12 11 11 this isn't 11 plus
Starting point is 00:24:55 2 13 okay so the cat walks up to scary sort of shoving past some of the confused doodlerized people that are beginning to walk in the opposite direction and it's sort of likeving past some of the confused, doodlerized people that are beginning to walk in the opposite direction. And it sort of like just stands there and looks at Scary. It's not close enough to be loving. It's looking at you suspiciously. It is a cat. It is not easy to- The most unnerving possible sight.
Starting point is 00:25:15 Yeah, it's just a very, very large cat just looking at the doodler and Scary at the same time. It occasionally just looks at someone and whips his head right back to Scary looking at Scary. Yeah. Then looks away and looks at someone and whips his head right back. Yes, at scary. Yeah. Then looks away and looks at something and whips his head right back. Yes, it is not. Just lock your eyes.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Taylor's turn. Taylor's still being held, right, by... His arm is held, yeah, but it's not official. But in order for that to work, Willie needs to be reaching between his legs, right? Yeah. So I think Taylor's going to be like, why are you stopped? Nothing here, stop. And then just stand up hard.
Starting point is 00:25:41 Okay. So that he brings Willie's own arm into contact with his balls. Okay. We'll say that's a normal melee attack i don't know if it's normal but it's a melee 10 plus 5 15 okay so 15 will hit him so he nuts himself by you standing up his own like thumb part of his hand i guess yeah hits himself in the taint so he's gonna take 2d damage so he takes three damage it grazed one of his testes it doesn't feel great first balls a warning does he let go of me in shock he does he does let go of you yeah and i try to do a backhand spring okay go ahead and roll acrobatics 12 plus 1 13 okay so you do it and land exactly where you were.
Starting point is 00:26:29 I'm like, wait a minute. Okay, now it's Nick and Hermie's turn. What do you want them to do? We still have a few followers. Yeah, there's the rest of the mayor's squad. Still five doodlerized people. I think Nick and Hermie, mostly Nick, honestly, I don't want to be violent in front of our new guest, our new Eldritch guest.
Starting point is 00:26:43 We can just ask the doodler like yo would you be upset if we like hurt these bad guys you have the mental capacity for some violence right now so i'm just wondering if nick has anything on his character sheet that would let him like blow his wings really hard and everyone falls out in a gust of wind or he asked them real hard and they go ah we're out of here you know i mean so in terms of things that nikki can do that are non-violent he can't he has a long sword built to kill he has a long sword a whip a multi-attack a teleport remember he's based on the balor demon are these five remaining lackeys like dressed in any way that like you could just really roast the hell
Starting point is 00:27:21 out of them and they'd want to leave i mean they're all dressed like normal people who got like fucked up at work or on their way to home. Work core. So it's people in suits, it's people wearing t-shirts who got fucked up at the grocery store. 401k core. Couple of screenwriters and fucking blazers and a graphic team.
Starting point is 00:27:38 One guy with a leather. Converse sneakers. Deny that they're smart, but they're not so stuffed up like some executive. You know what I mean?'s a 12 year old boy Hermione has to tell the truth right Hermione can tell the truth Yeah Have Hermione tell the other five
Starting point is 00:27:50 That those people Are walking towards their death And they should go And help them Marry them And then he can use his performance To make that really convincing Yeah
Starting point is 00:27:57 And then Nick can just flex on them And they'll be exactly 60 feet behind the other Until they won't meet each other Until they get all the way To the other building And then Nick can do One of those moves where it's like he's got his back turned and you're like, who's this guy?
Starting point is 00:28:08 And then he looks over his shoulder real quick behind him. And it's like, oh, this guy doesn't even need to look all the way at me. Anthony, I'm noticing you're not writing any of this down. Yeah, no, I'm not. Okay. Okay, so Hermie is going to roll persuasion to say those guys behind you are going to their desk. You gotta
Starting point is 00:28:24 stop them. You gotta save your fellow friends. You got a natural 20. Yeah, baby! The greatest actor who's ever lived! So with the gravitas of Daniel Day-Lewis, the timing of J.K. Simmons,
Starting point is 00:28:36 and the sex appeal of J.K. Simmons, he tells all the remaining doodlerized people, like, you gotta go! They're gonna die without you! And so they all immediately turn tail and start heading out of the building. And then Nick does his turnaround to be cool and no one's there.
Starting point is 00:28:52 Nick goes, you got away easy. You got off easy. Okay. So Willie, because he's a legendary creature, is going to take a legendary turn. He's going to, once again, shout, more of you, help. And he's going to call in, I'm going to roll a D12, and that many people
Starting point is 00:29:11 will come in. Hermes has got to get outside his own truth and act as the mayor. Six more are going to push past these guys, sort of zombified, sort of not knowing
Starting point is 00:29:18 what's going on. So with Willy's turn, having spent his free action to call in more people, he's going to spend his primary action, and he says, I didn't want to have to do it this way, but here we go. And he's going to use Dominate Monster.
Starting point is 00:29:30 You attempt to be a creature that you can see within range. You must succeed on a wisdom saving throw. It will be charmed by you for the duration. While the creature is charmed, you have a telepathic link with it. As long as the two of you are on the same plane of existence, you can use this link to issue commands to the creature while you are conscious, which it does its best to obey. So the doodler rolled a wisdom saving throw. It had to be a
Starting point is 00:29:45 19, and it got an 18. He has an advantage. What are you talking about? He has an advantage. I gave him a beacon of hope. Oh, okay. So I rolled with advantage. It got a 6 the second time. So Willy goes, Obey my commands only. And the doodler goes, Yeah, yeah, okay.
Starting point is 00:30:02 Okay. Doodler, no! Now it is normal's turn. Okay. If I do an impassioned plea about the power of friendship, will he get a chance to resist the fucking mind control? How does the mind control thing work? Dominate mind control. Each time the target takes damage, it makes a new saving throw, wisdom saving throw against
Starting point is 00:30:17 the spell. Every time it takes damage? Yeah. Oh no! I think we just gotta kill Willy. And we can't damage without damaging fucking... Scary. Shit. Yeah. I'm no longer concerned about showing violence in front of this thing since now it is controlled kill Willy. And we can't damage without damaging fucking shit.
Starting point is 00:30:25 I'm no longer concerned about showing violence in front of this thing since now it is controlled by Willy. Yeah, it's true. It's true. The situation's changed. Fair enough. Seeing Willy use his abuser bullshit to fucking dominate this poor misunderstood being known as the doodler, fucking something snaps
Starting point is 00:30:41 and normally fucking roars out and casts another guiding bolt fucking straight at Willy's heart. So that is 66 radiant damage. I rolled a 24. He's AC 13, so that definitely hits. 16 radiant damage. 16 radiant damage, perfect. So the guiding bolt smashes into his chest
Starting point is 00:30:59 and shoots blood out of the back of him. And you see that he is still standing, but it's like you basically punched the blood out of his fucking body with this magical spell. He convulses and he doubles over in pain. And the dude goes, oh, oh, what was that? What was that? That was awful.
Starting point is 00:31:15 He's trying to use you. That was awful. What was that? Now it is Link's turn. How much damage did you do on Willy? 16. This is not an imaginary HP. I am keeping track of his HP.
Starting point is 00:31:25 So you could kill him? You could kill him. Ooh, this is tricky. I've got an idea, but it's kind of stupid. That's great. Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to the podcast, pal. Similar to normal Link seeing this father figure just yelling and controlling this poor creature snaps.
Starting point is 00:31:43 And it's like, stop telling us what to do. And I'm going to cast the spell magic, which is choose one creature, object, or magical effect within range. Any spell of third level or lower on the target ends. Oh, yeah. It's an eighth level spell. For each spell of fourth level or higher, make an ability check using your spell casting ability.
Starting point is 00:32:00 So that would be a check that Matt rolls. Okay. And the DC is 10 plus the spells level. So the DC is 18. So you got to beat an 18 with your roll. All right. I got to give it 18, 19, or 20. Let's go.
Starting point is 00:32:11 18. All right, cool. Oh, Anthony's actually upset. Yeah, I am. Cool. So this thing I did that was dramatically interesting, you just undo. And so, yeah, the control he has over the doodlers is spelled
Starting point is 00:32:26 now. I mean, you can, I'm sure, do it again. Okay, so it's Willy's turn, so he is going to spend a free action breaking the patron's bond he has with Scary. So Scary, you get de-leveled four levels. Oh! Whoa! Then he is going to say, look, they're trying to tell you what to do, I'm trying to tell you what to do.
Starting point is 00:32:42 The thing that we both want you to do, that we can all agree on, is you need to leave the planes that you're on. You need to take physical form in front of us. You need to take everything that you are. You're scaring everybody. You're damaging all the worlds. You're driving everyone insane.
Starting point is 00:32:54 You just need to be right in front of us right here, right now. Can you make yourself corporeal in a way that is less terrifying and horrible and awful? And he's going to roll persuasion. He gets a natural 20. So the dude goes, I'm scaring people. I'm hurting people. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Starting point is 00:33:13 I'm so stupid. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. And Scary starts hitting her own head. And he goes, I'll change it. I'll change it. I'll be different. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. And in that moment, the sky begins to suck inward. The undulating dark body of the doodler collapsing inward on itself into the church itself.
Starting point is 00:33:34 You see all of the sky beginning to coalesce over the church atop you. Its fleshy tendrils beginning to suck and they pierce through the roof of the church, and they pierce through Scary's skull, and you see the entire sky pouring itself into the vessel that is Scary. What? And you can see on the phone that Willy had dropped that was showing Earth, you see the great eye that was looking over Earth is now staring directly at you. You can see the black sun focusing on you, and then it begins, too, to get sucked through the dimensions.
Starting point is 00:34:07 You see the red of the sky that you grew up under, this is the only sky you've ever known, begin to be replaced with a blue that is... Ew, gross and weird. Practically alien to you. Gross and weird. Don't like it. All of the sky pours itself into Scary, and Scary has no choice but to scream in pain
Starting point is 00:34:22 as everything enters Scary, and then she vomits, and she vomits pain as everything enters scary and then she vomits and she vomits and she vomits and she vomits and chunky violet bile spills onto the cold rocky ground and slowly the chunks begin to move together to absorb one another. A dozen, a hundred, a thousand chunks of purple flesh coalescing
Starting point is 00:34:38 into a single hole that gets taller and taller and taller until it's the size and shape of scary and then Link and then normal and then Taylor, a shifting amorphous teen shaped figure that hurts your eyes if you look at it too much as it refuses to resolve into a single shape is the size of an average teenager but when you look at it your eyes begin to hurt because you can't tell exactly what you're looking at and the doodler takes a humanoid form in front of you and the sky clears and it is a dark night above you you can see for the first time the moon shining down, moonlight on you. And now
Starting point is 00:35:06 before all of you is the doodler, humanoid, vulnerable, and very, very scared. Man, if I threw up something like that, I would call all my friends. I would be like, look at what I just threw up. What does it look like? It's just shifting.
Starting point is 00:35:21 It shifts constantly. It's just the idea of teenager. Like a holographic Pokemon. It's a holographic Pokemon or it's like the suits you look at it, it shifts constantly. It's just the idea of teenager. Like a holographic Pokemon. It's a holographic Pokemon, or it's like the suits they wear in a scanner darkly. Normal sniffs the air and says, It's like Magnus, the Prime Bark. It smells like some kind of teen spirit.
Starting point is 00:35:34 Yes, exactly that. Or the Emperor. It looks like what you think it should be as a teenager. When you look at it, you see your own anxieties reflected back at you. When Normal looks at it, he sees Teeny the Teen being mocked by school children. When Scary looks at it you see your own anxieties reflected back to you when normal looks at it he sees teeny the teen being uh mocked by school children when scary looks at it she sees terry when you look at it link you see no more detention you see nothing because you're when
Starting point is 00:35:55 taylor looks at it he sees himself because he's perfect and nothing needs to change wow cool new friend okay so it's the mayor's turn next. Mayor's going to keep leaving along with her 11 soldiers, and then six more are going to walk in. They're going to spend their turn sprinting to the middle of the room. So Lark, his hand's going to move to the gun and his waistband, and he's going to pull it out, and he's going to aim at the doodler. But right now, Normal's standing between the doodler and him. He can't get a clean shot, and he says, Normal, get out of the way.
Starting point is 00:36:22 I get to do stuff on my turn, I assume? Yeah. Okay. He's holding his turn until Normal does something. it is oh shit now it is uh scary's turn hey anthony i just want to say i'm having a good time this is fucking wild it's some wild shit i want to protect this baby real juggle real juggle of a combat baby doodler scary tries to lock eyes with the doodler and i guess i'll roll for that because the doodler's all weird looking. Why not? 12.
Starting point is 00:36:48 Okay, so you can't quite look him in the eyes. You look in his general direction but at his feet. You can tell you're looking at his forehead. And Scary's like, hey man, what's your name? And he goes, I don't, I don't know, I don't have, I don't know. I don't know. Well, you want to do
Starting point is 00:37:04 something cool? And scary cast spider climb on the doodler. Make him a spider boy! Spider boy! Link's like, what? So the doodler goes, why do my feet feel weird? Oh, it's part of a cool spell. I just wanted you to feel like you could fly, man. I know you've been kind of above all of us for a while now,
Starting point is 00:37:28 but this is like a cool middle ground between what you were doing and what you're doing as a teen on Earth. Oh, okay. That's fun. So go ahead and roll persuasion. It's a one plus five. Okay. You've made our enemy more powerful.
Starting point is 00:37:45 He immediately tries to take a step up onto the wall and he goes, this makes me nauseous. I don't like this. I don't like this. The world is good sideways. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. And he steps back down onto the ground. Oh, poor buddy.
Starting point is 00:37:56 Well, it's not for everybody. So the cat bus is turned. I had such a good idea with the cat bus and now it doesn't make any sense. Well, what is it? What was the idea? I was going to have him break the curse by sitting on me and then scratching me. We could still have the cat bus like maybe pet him or something. Oh, do we want the cat bus to like nuzzle the doodler?
Starting point is 00:38:13 Yeah, we just want the doodler to show up. You said that could go either way. It is a cat. Yeah. If you've ever tried to pet a cat, it is not 100% guaranteed. But at the same time, where lie danger? It's a high risk, high reward. Yeah, let's do it.
Starting point is 00:38:25 I want the kitty cat to go up and nuzzle this doodler teen age thing. The cat also knows what it's like to be a feral chaos monster that no one understands. So they have an affinity for each other. So somebody roll animal handling to try to direct the cat to doing this. What does everybody have? I have plus three, but I have something I want to do on my team. I have minus one. This is a free action. You don't have to. All have to all right then i'll do it oh that's a 21
Starting point is 00:38:49 wow at 21 okay so the 21 the cat walks up towards the doodler and the dude's like and freezes in fear and the cat kind of walks past it's like a toddler meeting a cat for the first time yeah cat kind of walks past him and then walks around him takes a brief second to sort of sniff around the butt just for a second and then walks all the way back around in front of him and then bumps the doodler with his head and the dude goes oh oh that's nice that's nice and it reaches out and it starts petting the cat and the cat bus you can hear all the engines inside of it start to purr oh you know i learned that when a cat's doing that it is stating dominance over you that's why
Starting point is 00:39:30 it's like alpha it's like yo you're mine like head bump i look down upon you yeah like i look down upon you yeah i can see that yeah cats are psychos so that was the cat bus's turn he's got the doodler very happy now will Willy is going to take his legendary action of the turn. Fucking Willy. He's going to take out a collar that says follow only Willy's instructions.
Starting point is 00:39:50 Oh no! He's going to walk up behind the doodler and he is going to try to put it around the doodler's neck. Can we reaction? Can Lark do anything?
Starting point is 00:40:04 Lark was holding his turn. Yeah, Lark's got a gun. Okay, do you want him to do something? No something but you can't because he can't damage willie shit stop willie how about is this an attack role like he's gonna do if it helps you do whatever you're trying to do yes i just want to do protection because i'm definitely right i'm next to the doodler obviously within five feet so okay well if you're next to do within five feet that means you also get an opportunity attack oh okay well i have a reaction which is free right yeah a reaction is protection which is while wielding a shield which we decide are my shin guards a creature who attacks a target other than you within five feet you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on their attack roll okay
Starting point is 00:40:36 cool so i'm gonna do that so he's gonna walk past you so first let's go ahead and do an opportunity attack i want the attack to look like a hug to the jiddler. Because I still want to be. So you're going to roll deception and then you're going to roll your attack. Yeah, because I'm going to do a grapple. Okay. So it's like a big hug. So go ahead and roll your attack. And go, oh, you kind man.
Starting point is 00:40:55 You can't lie. You're in the zone of truth. Oh, you. 16? 16 will beat him. Okay. So his arms are pinned to his sides. Nice.
Starting point is 00:41:07 And he cannot move because you are, despite being a kid, very big and very strong. Yes. So you've got his arms down to his sides and he feels like he wasted his fucking turn. And he's like, fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it, I'm so close. I'm so close. And his hand tightens around the collar. Shit, what if he puts the collar on Lee?
Starting point is 00:41:21 Shh, don't say that. Don't want Anthony to think of that. I'm not that too at that exact of that taylor it's your turn taylor is gonna cast silence on willie okay he's gonna be like where's my hasune miku magnetic toy bingo ah there it is and gonna throw it at willie's uh well he doesn't have a belt buckle anymore he's got his pants wrapped around his ankle still right yeah he must have pulled his pants up at some point. I think he stepped out of them. I think he, like his son, is pantsless.
Starting point is 00:41:49 Except his boxers say bad guy on them. Yeah. Ooh, I would get boxers say bad guy. No. It says business up front and party in the back is what it says. That's what boxers say. I don't think Willie has the confidence to be pegged. Like a mullet. Here's a question.
Starting point is 00:42:05 Matt, what's a question. For your butt. Matt. What's your question? Sorry. I was so blown away by Matt's. That's what they say about mullets, right? It is. Business front, party in the back.
Starting point is 00:42:17 It just means something drastically different when it's on your boxers. Pegging really is like a mullet if you think about it. Yeah. I'm more curious as to what the business of front part means. You know, like peeing. It means he's a sex worker. Like peeing. Okay, fair enough.
Starting point is 00:42:29 Like that's business. Oh, peeing is business. That's a good one, actually. Peeing is business, but poop is for pleasure. The days may be made for peeing, but the nights, the nights are made for pooping. Hey, you guys, do you think I should cast silence? I could also cast silence on the doodler. Silence won't matter because he's just trying
Starting point is 00:42:46 to put the collar on he doesn't need to say anything he just needs to do the collar so there's some way you can get the collar away I got this I got this where is Willie
Starting point is 00:42:52 in relation to where the doodler is he's right behind him yeah he's close enough that he could almost touch him if it weren't for the fact that Link is constraining his arms well I'm gonna help Link then
Starting point is 00:43:00 nice okay here's what it is Link is holding his arms back right yeah and then I'm going to just sprint full speed, because remember, I did a really cool back tuck, so I got real head of steam from my acrobags. I'm going to
Starting point is 00:43:11 sprint full speed and then just bear hug him in his face. Like, just a jump. You know what I'm saying? Full mass. Full mass. Just jump and then go, and I try to wrap my arms and my legs around just the entire upper body just to try and bowl him backwards. Willie or the doodler? Willie. Okay. Okay, so roll an attack. And I'm, and I try to wrap my arms and my legs around just entire upper body just to try and bowl him back. Willie or the doodler?
Starting point is 00:43:26 Willie. Okay. Okay. So we're on attack. And I'm hoping that my boy. She's double grappling him. Three plus five, eight. Okay.
Starting point is 00:43:34 So that's not gonna be enough. You're gonna jump onto his head and he's gonna go and shake you off like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Yeah. And you're gonna get shaken off of his head. Can I try and do a cool backhand spring as i land yeah go for it how about he lands on my face and now he's back on my shoulders yeah yeah that's what happens okay yeah no i like that i like that so i'm gonna try and redirect in the air to get
Starting point is 00:43:54 air recovery air recovery air recovery i'm gonna do uh what is it in super smash brothers we do a dodgy oh yeah cancel or cancel air dodge i'm gonna try an air dodge and then land back on link's shoulders great so that's an acrobatics roll anyways like no it's five plus one six okay so you completely fall off and land straight on your fucking you land on your face and your ass is in the air yeah the moment he lands on me i go back to oh yeah i mean you just get a brush of like it's nick and hermy's turn what do you want nick and hermy to do they should still be doing crowd control on all these yeah you're gonna have them take care of the doodler yeah i didn't take care of the doodles is that what they're called
Starting point is 00:44:31 so nick goes body count zero or higher than zero can i kill him oh it's just like in fucking terminator dude yeah just like we told miss hale just you know do what you need to do and just don't tell us about it don't tell me hold on hold on taylor's hand comes up dad dad over here over here dad what's up son we don't know if they're mind controlled or not so zero body count but you can do anything else you can fuck them up any other way as long as they're alive like do you remember terminator two dad of course i remember the part where he unloads a minigun into a crowd of cops, and he doesn't kill anyone? He doesn't kill anyone, but you're going to tell me no one got injured?
Starting point is 00:45:10 Yeah, most disappointing part of that movie. Yeah, exactly. That. Just do that. Here we go. And he fucking lowers his head, and he takes out his sword, and he's going to multi-attack. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:45:18 He missed the first guy, and he hit the last two. He goes, he moves, shing, shing, shing, and then two people, suddenly their leg pops off and blood shoots from it. Actually, blood doesn't even shoot from it because it gets cauterized by the flame wound. And then one guy,
Starting point is 00:45:31 he gets a little nick on his leg and he goes, ow, because he just missed that guy. And then they fall over and they are alive, spraying arterial blood everywhere. Oh, they got the work on cauterized.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Cauterized. So they're not going to bleed to death. That's how it works in real life is if the sword is hot enough, you basically just clean it. It's a magic demon sword. It's in the documentary Star Wars taught you that. Yeah. Okay, now So they're not going to bleed to death. That's how it works in real life is if the sword is hot enough, you basically just clean with a magic demon sword. It's in the documentary Star Wars taught you that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:47 Okay, now it is Normal's turn. Okay, Normal. And your dad is holding your turn until after you do something. Normal's aiming at the doodler. You were standing between him and the doodler. Okay, all right. Normal is going to look at Lark
Starting point is 00:45:56 and I say, Uncle Lark, I read in that journal about what happened with you and your dad with Grandpa Henry. And I know that you hate him so much and i can't imagine what it's like to carry that amount of hate towards someone and how hard and painful that must be for you and so i'm asking you don't make me hate you as much as you hate him oh that's good
Starting point is 00:46:18 love it roll persuasion with advantage 24 oh wow i got a five first. So it was very nice. Your face didn't look like a 24 there for a second. So the gun quivers in his hand. He goes, you have to promise me you know how to deal with this thing because I don't know what to do. If not that, that's all I know how to do. I put my hand on his hand. I say, I promise. And boy, he slowly lowers the gun. Oh, and then I guess I feel like that's a whole turn i don't think i get to cast a spell after that yeah i feel like that was a turn and he goes what about willie can i kill willie oh fuck yeah he goes all right he raises his gun but he can't so he's gonna raise his gun and pull the trigger and he goes ah and he can't he can't get his finger
Starting point is 00:46:59 he goes fuck fuck fuck and his hand seizes up and he goes ah shit which causes the bullet to go off because it spasms his trigger finger too, I bet. No, it's not a hair trigger. It's a very safe trigger. One of those safe triggers. One of those safe triggers for the safety zone. He found himself unconsciously turning the safety on when he pulls the trigger. There we go.
Starting point is 00:47:15 So he goes, fuck you. Fuck you, Willie. Fuck you. And Willie's like. All right. Now it is Link's turn. What's Sparrow doing? Oh, Sparrow's also there.
Starting point is 00:47:23 And what is Grant doing? So Sparrow's there going, what should I do, Norman? You're in charge here. He's got his gun with him. Excuse us. That's right, I am in charge, Dad. That was the deal I made.
Starting point is 00:47:35 We fucked the world up. We gotta help Link. Okay, so Sparrow's gonna run up and try to tackle Willy around the legs. Like, you know what this is like? It's like the end of Space Jam when all the monsters are trying to stop Michael Jordan from making from making the dunk yeah except michael jordan's the bad guy here like real life it's a lot like that marvel movie with the big purple guy and they all
Starting point is 00:47:51 try to stop him yeah kind of but we also don't want to do the axe so i feel like it's more like like space jam personally but you can have your marvel thing sure when they're all trying to stop what's his name thomas thomas so nutting they're all trying to stop what's his name thomas from nothing so we'll do it grimace he's like you can't get kicked out of here again all thanos has ever wanted to do was not so hard that half the universe disappeared he's a you fool i can do with a single snap of his fingers you can nut not with my mind only. You know? All right. So Sparrow is going to run at him. He's going to roll not very well. And Willie's going to elbow in the fucking head really hard and send Sparrow collapsing
Starting point is 00:48:32 to the ground right next to me. Yeah. Right next to you. What is Grant doing now? Grant has a gun in his hands and he looks scared and he's not quite sure what to do. But you can see he was beginning to do what Lark did. But then Lark got talked down from it. And now Grant realizes the responsibility is his if this is going to happen at all.
Starting point is 00:48:47 But he doesn't have the gun up. He's not sure because he knows that if he does this, you're going to hate him. But you can tell he's going to take action after you. You're just not sure what that action is. Okay. How do I just keep hugging? I want to keep hugging. He has to save on his turn, so you don't have to do anything to remain hugging.
Starting point is 00:49:00 Okay. I want to kind of like I'm, you know, the leader on the dance floor. I'm trying to shift our bodies uh-huh try to get me and willie between the doodler and grant okay so if he does raise his gun we're in between okay great yeah that's all i'm doing cool so grant sees what you're doing he tries to raise his gun but it's too late you're already in the way of his shot and he goes god damn it fuck fuck fuck and he's to move to the side. I'm following him. I'm just like, I'm just going to keep. I'm just going to do everything I can. Dancing it, baby.
Starting point is 00:49:28 Yeah, you're the interior of a clock. You know those scenes where people are dancing and they always look over the shoulder at each other? Yeah. That's me with Grant right now. Instead of it being romantic, it's like, don't fucking shoot the doodler. So it's Willie's turn now.
Starting point is 00:49:39 He is going to say, okay, fuck it. He looks around and he sees how completely outnumbered he is, how his little army that he wanted to come in got turned away and is currently getting their limbs sliced off.
Starting point is 00:49:49 And he goes, yeah, you win this one. But just so you know, there is nowhere you can hide this doodler that I won't find it. And all it takes is one moment.
Starting point is 00:49:57 All it takes is one moment for me to get this fucking thing around his neck and then he's mine. So I will see you fuckers later, I promise you. And Scary, you really disappointed me. And he's going to teleport away. see you fuckers later. I promise you. And Scary, you really disappointed me.
Starting point is 00:50:07 And he's going to teleport away. He's just bamfing out? Yeah. He has the teleport ability. He's going to use teleport and he is gone. And suddenly Link is hugging nothing but air. I'm hugging myself. And so now you find yourselves in a scenario
Starting point is 00:50:19 where he has sworn to track you down and track the doodler down and get his due control over the doodler at some point and you don't know when or where that might be. But we're here now with this doodler. But you're here now with the doodler. So what do you want to do? We've got to make our own collars. For who? For what? For all of us.
Starting point is 00:50:36 We got to make things that like Willie won't be able to like fuck up. So if we all have collars saying don't listen to Willie, whatever he says or something like that. Wow. you're right scary are you telling me you want to make rhinestone bracelets together oh my god i mean no no you don't need a collar not to listen to willie like you've done a good job i mean like he's going to put this collar on the doodler no matter what so if we put a collar on the doodler on the doodler well do we want to do that or do we want to i don't want to do what our parents and willie it feels like if we do what
Starting point is 00:51:09 willie does that makes us as bad as him maybe how i mean like we're preemptively trying to like cancel out his control no i i get that i mean we could give him a collar that says you do you like believe in yourself right it doesn't have to be like i'm not saying we don't know us caller yeah i'm not saying we don't put a collar around but like i don't know it just feels weird that we're talking about it them hey what's up yeah yeah well he's right there why don't we just ask dude what should we call you what's your name bud i don't have i don't i don't know what that is how about we call him dude yeah dude dude can you can we call you dude it's just a way for us to you know we're talking to you dude dude
Starting point is 00:51:46 yeah i like dude i'm dude that guy who left nice to meet you dude handshake handshake dude handshake dude dude yeah hey you know we're we're a hugging family here i hug them yeah but you can go at your own pace you know yeah oh yeah i'm sorry yeah i should ask the kid says i'm more comfortable with handshake something about handshake feels familiar to dude oh okay okay um yeah i put my hand out they shake your hand i'm lincoln uh dude dude cool you want to like hang with that like grant says look we need well do you guys hear some like farting noises just like a bunch of like shit coming out of nowhere you guys did great i'm really proud of you i'm amazed that you didn't kill this thing. Thing? They're our bot. Yes. Hi, dude. Hi.
Starting point is 00:52:26 But Willy's going to find dude no matter how long it takes. Willy's got control of daddies, which means he's got control of being able to move between the realms whenever he wants to. An 18 CIA spy satellite. Yes. He's got the CIA behind him. He's got all the resources back on our world that he can possibly muster. And I can't move through planes anymore because i'm level 10 now yeah sorry you're still level 14 to us yeah no it's it's okay i mean like i know i can do this on my own anyway well not like on my own but like without
Starting point is 00:52:57 fucko willie yeah we're also married i guess that's what i'll call it like have like a come up with a new last name before you get to that we'll talk about that later but we need to find a place to hide the doula somewhere that's not somewhere he can find in any of the realms and i don't know what that is but it's that or kill him and i know you don't we're not doing we're not doing that okay we're not bringing my rule of not talking to you but that's how serious i am about not killing this this dude that we just i'm mad i i agree dude it seems like you got stuck here you got pulled here so i'm kind of wondering like do you have a home to go back to like where's home for you this goes um there was darkness and then there was a movie and then there was a forest and then so i guess dark i don't know
Starting point is 00:53:44 and then at that moment, all your phones chirp with a text message. I thought I set this on silent. From May Hales. And it says, received messages for Terry, many messages. Should I forward them to you? Why N?
Starting point is 00:53:57 Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Dear Terry, I'm sorry I could not say this letter to you in person, but as you know, I am very much better writer than speaker, though I excel at both. Anyways, I've been thinking about the concept of time lately, parentheses, is it even real? And I know I can't make up for the time I've lost with you, but I can let you know that every moment I think of you makes me very happy. I am in heaven and the business prospects are dire. Everybody seems to want everything for free.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Oh, well, the only thing I could never put a number on is how much I love you and how proud I am of you. This is day 9,855 of me telling you I love you and how proud I am of you. This is day 9,855. Me telling you I love you and I mean it every time, even if time is not real. Sincerely, Ron Stampler, your stepfather. Oh. All our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves.
Starting point is 00:55:11 You should tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive
Starting point is 00:55:34 we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today we live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow break where we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way i'll be on my way I'll be on my way
Starting point is 00:56:07 Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burch is our DM, Will Campos is Normal Oak, Beth May is Scary Marlowe, and myself Freddie Wong is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Cat. You gonna get down from here? No? I don't know. We still have some tickets left to Los Angeles and San Diego for the Do or Dice 2023 live tour that's happening at the end of August. Come out and see us. You can get tickets to those shows at dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live.
Starting point is 00:57:05 Check it out. And for everybody who is going to be seeing us in Seattle, Portland, or San Francisco, thank you so much. It's gonna be a lot of fun. We have a lot of very ridiculous things planned. It's gonna be a good time. You can support this podcast
Starting point is 00:57:15 at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. We're currently putting the final touches on our mystery three-parter one-shot that we're calling And Dad There Were None, a dad of the Chrissy who dadded. If you're on Patreon, you're gonna get access to this the moment it comes out but aside from that there's tons of bonus content including if you are brave enough for it the full uncensored uncut set of me
Starting point is 00:57:33 doing freddy wong gamer comedian at rtx oh here a little sneak preview for you check it out i was getting a checkup and my doctor asked me my day for living i told him i was a gamer and he said you gotta be careful because you're in danger of leading a sedentary lifestyle. You gotta get 10,000 steps in a day. And I said, don't worry, Doc. I got you covered. I get that every day.
Starting point is 00:57:56 In Death Stranding. That's just the most recent monthly bonus, but there are hours and hours of bonus content for you there, including access to our Discord, ad discord ad free episodes whole bunch of stuff more than you can shake a stick at you can probably shake a stick at this you just need a big stick you can get all that at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and dads our website is sorry our x is dungeons and dads we gotta do something about that our website is dungeons and days.com merches at store.dungeons.com our subreddit is dungeons and days our next
Starting point is 00:58:24 episode is coming at you August 15th. We will see you then. Not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow. Bake, steal, and borrow. Brave while we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, Not today, no, not today.
Starting point is 00:58:42 I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I apologize, everybody. I had too many tabs. It's just a tie-tap. McDonald's nuggets that make you come real? McDonald's nuggets that make you come copyright?

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