Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 40 - The Teenhigh Saga: Break-in Wrong: Part 1

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

The teens and Dood head back to school.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads...!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Young man, time to wipe off that frown
Starting point is 00:00:50 I said, young man, come get down with the clown I said, young man, with Ronald's nugs in your mouth There's no need to be so horny Young man, there's a place you can go I said young man, where you can get that big O You can drive through, just get ready to blow Cause we love to see you smile McNuggets that make you C-U-M-O
Starting point is 00:01:24 McNuggets that make you C U M R McNuggets that make you C U M R So just take a big bite and go bust a big load Gotta let the world hear you moan McNuggets that make you C U M R McNuggets that make you C U M R Now go get yourself clean. You just came a great deal. Yeah, call that a happy meal.
Starting point is 00:01:50 McNuggets that make you C-U-M-R. McNuggets that make you C-U-M-R. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a Dungeons and Dragons podcast about four teens from our world sent back into our world to fix all the mistakes their grandparents made. I am so nervous because I had one hiccup right before I started, and I'm just like at any point it's going to... That scared me a little bit. Problem solved. Bam. My name is Freddie Wong I play my name is Freddie Wong I play Taylor Swift
Starting point is 00:02:30 the ranger anime loving survivalist teen two out of those three things have almost no bearing on Taylor's abilities in terms of what I'm looking at on the D&D character sheet but that's all right which two things the survivalist stuff hasn't really come into play and all the ranger stuff is just basically like, imagine you have spells, but they're all kind of shitty spells.
Starting point is 00:02:50 I might just come up with my own ranger spells at this point. You're going to do your own OC? Yeah, my own OC. Teen fact for Taylor this week, merging a little bit
Starting point is 00:02:58 with a real life fact, I have a cat now. Yeah. Yeah. Where is his key? Here I am, sweaty. Meow, meow. I don't like cats anymore.
Starting point is 00:03:09 And that was the last episode Will was on. Funnily enough, Will, that ties into Taylor's teen fact, which is that Taylor also has a cat boy costume that he uses to do NPC videos on TikTok. I knew NPC videos
Starting point is 00:03:25 was going to fucking crawl its way into our podcast. This guy is fire one for every one. Sorry, sorry. It goes, ice cream, yes, please. Ice cream, yes, please. Okay, let me just pitch it real quick. Just quick.
Starting point is 00:03:36 Fucking intro's going to age like fine wine. I just want to say this. I just want to ask really quick. I just need a yes or no from all my fellow cast members. Absolutely not. Would you, if I could figure out a way.
Starting point is 00:03:47 Would. If I could figure out a way of seamlessly looping video of you guys playing the season one dads doing NPC content. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Imagine just for a second that you got a Daryl Wilson sitting there being like, well, ice cream. You know what, Freddie? I actually, I cream. You know what, Freddie? Is it juvie? I would. Well, ice cream.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Balloon. Pop, pop, pop. But here's the thing. We could just keep this going on in the background. Hi, this is Will Campos, advocate for people who have no idea what the fuck you're talking about who are listening to the podcast. And I just want to say, like, I see you and I support you. You don't need to look it up.
Starting point is 00:04:23 Do not look it up. Do not learn about it. You don't need to know about it. And I don't want to say don't because that makes it seem like, oh't even look it up. Do not look it up. Do not learn about it. You don't need to know about it. I don't want to say don't because I'm like, oh, it's exciting. Like somebody telling you not to know. Really? It's not worth your time. It's just saving you.
Starting point is 00:04:33 It's not even a little. Real quick. Taylor made so much money on it, but he was only on for like two days because they got slammed with content violations because it was just a little too weird for TikTok. And Taylor likes to think that was too weird. And Taylor likes to think it was because he was like, I got brigaded. Everyone saw how much cheddar I was making and they brigaded me. Hey, everybody. Hey, my name is Matthew Arnold.
Starting point is 00:04:54 I play Lincoln M. Kicks, a schooled in prison, a schooled in prison, future soccer pro who's got no dads anymore. And he just loves it. That's right. He's changing his last name he's his own man wait what's his middle name m mr because it's an honor of the only person who ever cared about him when he grew up which is mr kicks his true dad holy shit is that his fifa character yeah the person who never betrayed him yeah so i find it hard to believe having played
Starting point is 00:05:24 fifa those fucking crossbar hits. Like, come on. I mean, that's pretty much his teen fact. It's kind of hard to give research, but he's looking at how he can legally change his name. And also, how do you do like the minor emancipation to become his own person? And he's very attached to this new family that he's found. Lincoln, and where did prison come from? Because homeschool is more like prison school, Will.
Starting point is 00:05:42 Oh my God. School than a prison. He looks back. Yeah. No longer fondly on his homeschool more like prison school will oh my god school than a prison he looks back yeah no longer fondness on his homeschool that's dark hi everyone i'm will campos i play normal oak perpy pepper perpy perpy chipper cheery school spirit something or another mascot kid normal fact about normal this week in honor of freddy's cat i also have a cat related fact normal's favorite cat is normal from garfield because their names sound alike and he's like i bet we'd get along this is the closest normal's had to another person with a name like his that's why representation matters in media you finally saw himself on the screen yes you're telling me that you like and you haven't tried breaching that as a way of like deepening your
Starting point is 00:06:20 friendship i was about to say for all the complaints that normal has about not hanging out with lincoln like you have the most obvious, like, yeah, you have such an in, man. Yeah. Normal says, gotta give it, Lincoln loves Garfield.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Yeah, but who does Garfield hate? Yeah, but he loves the, that's true. You know what? It's Tessie. You don't know how Lincoln's
Starting point is 00:06:34 going to respond. I don't know. He's too nervous. This could go either way. This could go either way for normal if he says his favorite cat is normal. I mean,
Starting point is 00:06:39 I think Lincoln would appreciate it. I do kind of think that maybe there was a kid in school that he went like in like elementary school named Norm L. His last name was Lewis or something. Loser? Did you say his last name was Loser?
Starting point is 00:06:50 Norm Loser. Normal thought. Normal and Norm L. We can be best friends. And then everyone at school got a hold of that and started making fun of them for it. And then Norm L. was like, absolutely. Weirdly enough, Normal is the class president. Weirdly enough, Normal is the class president.
Starting point is 00:07:10 My name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, Godfunk Seeker of Darkness, who doesn't want to care anymore and is level 10. Oh, right. Dude, what's that like? What did you lose? It's so tragic. Beth, what did they take from you? They took so much from me.
Starting point is 00:07:23 Now I'm just like a normie hack who doesn't know how to play D&D. What's your HP now? That's how I was when I was level 14. What's your HP at? My HP is 83. Still more than mine. Still more than mine, but still a lot dropped. Wait, do I have the most HP?
Starting point is 00:07:38 I have 94. Yeah. Wow. Wow. You big boy. Ice cream's so good. Okay. So tragic fact about Scary this week.
Starting point is 00:07:48 Tragic facts? Yeah. I should have called them tragic facts all along. I don't know why I didn't. Yeah, that's great. Scary realized after the departure of Willie and then also after going on TikTok and doing some of her own research that she actually does have delayed onset insulphasia. It's not a joke.
Starting point is 00:08:05 It's really serious. It's a disease where when you want to say something mean to the person, you can't think of what to say until they leave. And so she realized that she has that. And it's pretty crushing. But she's going to survive and thrive. Dang. Dang.
Starting point is 00:08:20 I'm Anthony. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Hey, big papa. My dad fact is that Freddie's cat is a little baby yeah he's very small and if the cat ever like gets in front of me while I'm talking or anything like that I'm going to snuggle it and be cute with it and I'm not going to redo whatever audio so you just have to deal with that now oh yeah the cat meows and
Starting point is 00:08:41 any fan complains about cat meowing in the background we're just shutting down podcast like 100 this cat could do whatever it wants it's so beautiful cat's name is tim moku so last episode you basically fought to get the doodler out of the clutches of willie stampler you managed to basically tackle him when he was just about to put a cuff, an Imperator collar on the doodler. Is that what they're called? Imperator collars? I called them that like once and then forgot to tell you guys. That's so cool.
Starting point is 00:09:13 That's some Warhammer 40k shit. That's some Warhammer shit, dog. You're holding back on us, dog. That's some Mad Max shit. Yeah, sorry. Imperator collars. Fuck, that's cool. Now I'm scared of them.
Starting point is 00:09:22 You managed to sort of beat Willie away. I know what i could have said and i didn't that's a wordsmith right there folks you managed to get him out of there but he swore all it takes is him finding the doodler and putting the collar on him and he will once again have control of the doodler it's funny that all it took for me to never be scared of willie again was him to do the inspector gadget dr claw yeah i'll be yeah i'll get you next time you rascally deeds yep the physical manifestation of the doodler shrunk itself down to the size of a teenager it is no longer in the sky it is now an amorphous blob of teenage-dom that is purple in color that you've named dude
Starting point is 00:09:57 you were told by your spelled in the cool way spelled the code d-o-o-d d-o-o-d you were told by your zero zero yeah zero can i say really quick a little confession my first email address was lee tax or dude at yahoo.com unironically unironically spelled out in lead speech that's kind of fucking awesome yeah i remember the first time a girl asked me what my email was it didn't go well Your dad told you that basically the plan should probably be to hide dudes somewhere where Willie cannot get to him. Because in all the realms,
Starting point is 00:10:30 if Willie is in control of daddy's, which he is, he basically has the means of transporting himself to all the realms to find you with an army of the CIA and the FBI and everybody on earth who thinks he's a super cool dude. You then received a text from May Hales that she had received that was from Ron Stampler, who you know to be your step-grandfather, I guess, Scary.
Starting point is 00:10:51 Oh, do we hear the message? You want to hear what it says? Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Take me away. Dear Terry, I'm sorry I could not say this letter to you in person, but as you know, I'm a very much better writer than speaker,
Starting point is 00:11:04 though I excel at both. Anyways, I've been thinking about the concept of time lately. Parentheses, is it even real? And I know I can't make up for all the time I've lost with you, but I can let you know that every moment I think of you makes me very happy. I am in heaven and the business prospects are dire. Everybody seems to want everything for free. Oh well, the only thing I could never put a number on is how much I love you and how proud I am of you. This is day 9,855 of me telling you I love you and I mean it every time, even if time is not real.
Starting point is 00:11:46 Sincerely, Ron Stampler, your stepfather. So you are currently in what you know of as Old Earth. This is not the place you grew up. This is the place that your parents and your grandparents grew up. It's a real Earth.
Starting point is 00:11:58 It's a real Earth, yes. Earth Prime. Earth Prime. The sky is dark, but no longer dark with the bulk of the doodler's undulating body. It is dark because it's dark, but no longer dark with the bulk of the doodler's undulating body. It is dark because it's night, and you can see pinpricks of stars in the sky for the first time.
Starting point is 00:12:10 You can see the moon. Not the first time we were in space. Oh, right. I forgot about that. For the first time in an atmospheric situation kind of thing. And you're just vibing. You're just vibing with your new friend, dude. So Grant says, heaven. says heaven okay well that's
Starting point is 00:12:27 cool i didn't know there was a heaven but wait wait wait who is it who the fuck is this guy grandpa daryl's right there's a heaven what you gotta call from excuse me i grabbed the phone and i called mayhales back yeah mayhales still on the line on speaker hold on i'm gonna put you on speaker okay tell her who everyone is hold on i line. Put it on speaker. Hold on, I'm going to put you on speaker. Okay. Tell her who everyone is. Hold on, I think I put her on mute. Are you still there? Can you hear me? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:50 Okay, I'm going to put you on speaker now. I can't hear you. Hold on. I can't see you. Hold on. Oh, I'm FaceTiming her. I'm just going to turn the volume up. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:57 Hey, hi. Did you get a message from Heaven? How did you get a call? Hello? Oh, gosh. I heard FaceTime off. Yeah, we don't have the reception. I'm killing the video because of the bandwidth. Oh? Hello? Oh, gosh. Her FaceTime off. Oh, okay. We don't have a reception.
Starting point is 00:13:06 Killing the video because of the bandwidth. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I'm just going to call her back. Hello? This is John. You dialed the wrong number. That's so weird. Wait, how do you know you dialed the wrong number?
Starting point is 00:13:20 We already said we wanted. I hate using the phone, and I don't give my number to anyone. This is really funny, John. John, why did John? Who are you? And why do you hate using the phone? I'm a very private person. I don't owe you any information about myself at all.
Starting point is 00:13:33 I am a police officer. Okay. All right, I hang up. Hold on. Let me try another number here. Hello? May Hales? Hey, what's up?
Starting point is 00:13:43 Is heaven real? I don't know. Well, how'd you get a message from heaven? I didn't get a message from heaven. Where did it come from? From your high school. It came from our high school? Yeah, I triangulated where the text got sent from and it was your high school. I thought high school was hell.
Starting point is 00:14:00 I mean, I guess we've been to real hell. If heaven's a place that you go to after you've been stuck in the horrible world that is life, then high school was that because I was stuck. Oh, fuck off. What? Fuck off. Mayhills, I'm going to call you back.
Starting point is 00:14:12 We're fighting. I hang up. What's going on, guys? Wait, why? Scary. Why are you saying that? Oh, my God. As much as I want to think that every thought in my head is original and beautiful and dark,
Starting point is 00:14:22 it's like it's not an original thought to think that high school sucks ass. Oh, yeah. No, that's cool. I just say for me, it was like heaven. Oh. Yeah, I was just trying to talk about how I hate my home life. Yeah, okay. Oh, well, okay. Time of being shot, I gotta admit. Yeah, that's, I mean, good for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's okay. You're sorry? Again? Yeah, well,
Starting point is 00:14:39 yeah, for this. For what? Don't stop asking her that. Thank you for the apology. I'm not asking her that. For that you gave to Link. Thank you for the apology. Stop asking her that. For that you gave to Link. Thank you for giving Link that apology. It feels nice to apologize for stuff, right? You're welcome. Thank you for saying thank you for my apology.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Okay, so what should we do? Should we go back? I feel like we didn't have to hang up on May Hill. You know what? That's right. I call her back. Hello? Hey, John. John. How did you get
Starting point is 00:15:06 this number? I don't know. I keep pressing the same button on my phone and you can wait a second. I roll perception. Roll perception. Does the name Willie Stambler mean anything to you? I got a six. It's Stewie Griffin, I bet. Yes, he's the mayor. You found me out
Starting point is 00:15:22 though. I refuse to believe John's the mayor. John is something we're going to call again. Okay, yeah, we'll call John if we need a cop for some reason. Well, we got a lot going on. So, hey, you guys, you, I point to the dads. Yeah. So, well, what's the deal?
Starting point is 00:15:35 Did Ron die? This is Ron from the Journal, right? Ron Stable, you should know if he died or not. Yeah, Ron died. Okay. Okay. Well, allegedly. I mean, but we got a phone call from him. As far as we know, he died. He went on a trip. He never came back. We assume that he died. So then. Allegedly. I mean, but we got a phone call from him.
Starting point is 00:15:46 As far as we know, he died. He went on a trip. He never came back. We assume that he died. More details. And frankly, of all the dads, Ron was the one the most likely to just die on a camping trip. Well, getting. Camping trip.
Starting point is 00:15:58 Well, no, he was on a boating trip. Yeah. A camping trip in the white Rota Rapids. Oh. If he sent us a text message. I thought it was in the middle of the ocean. You know what it was? Yeah. Oh. He went on a boat trip. the movie with cuba gooding jr a text message would imply he's alive but he said he was in heaven which would imply he's dead yes why is it a text message
Starting point is 00:16:15 if he said it's a letter why is it a text message if he's an old person they leave voicemails none of this is adding up and there's john where's john fit into all this who is john one times an accident two times is coincidence yes you know what they say about coincidences why they don't exist no i think they do exist no that's what they want you to think you of all people should know this who is they i don't know the people who is they who is, yeah, hold on. Hey, Mayhale. Oh, Michael. Hey, Mayhales? Yes? Who's they when they say, like, it's what they want you to think? You've got to have better questions for him.
Starting point is 00:16:51 Okay. You've got to have something more specific than that. Really quick, here's a phone number. We're going to send you a phone number. Find out who this guy is. We've called him twice. I want the whole. It's a little suspicious.
Starting point is 00:16:59 I want a stack on my desk. Tomorrow morning, everything you got. Surveillance, search history, the whole works. I want a fully fleshed out three-dimensional character in 30 seconds when I follow up on this. I'll have it ready for you.
Starting point is 00:17:17 Sure, no problem. I will have all the time I need to do all the research on this guy. Whenever you call me back, I'll know everything there is to know about John. And Miss Hales important? I think he's a smart one, so don't let him know you're on to him. I can be subtle. I have, uh, what's the word? Hey, Miss Hales? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:33 Thanks. God damn it. You're doing a good job. You're family. Um, I forget why we called you, though. This Ron guy. Oh, yeah. Well, okay. Well, this Ron guy, he says he's existing in a place without time. Maybe this could be where we could hang out. Yeah, so, dude. Well, this Ron guy, he says he's existing in a place without time. Maybe this could be where we could hide out. Yeah, so, dude, dude.
Starting point is 00:17:51 We need to all get to heaven. I turned to dude. When you were up in the sky, because you were on, you were here, and you were in Earth. And, like, do you know if there, like, is a heaven? Did you ever see a place called heaven? I don't know what heaven is. There was a place that was up. There was a place that was up. Oh. Okay, but up okay but like really so like those trampoline places yeah there'd be like a place that's like full of clouds and really like i couldn't i didn't i couldn't go in
Starting point is 00:18:15 but there's an up i tried when i was looking for friends and family i looked through all the places i could go like the different realms but there was an up and i couldn't get in there for some reason oh well hey you were looking for friends maybe you did something bad you know no no you were looking for friends and look you found them right here oh yeah so looks like your journey or journey's ended to find friends but just started with your friends so that's good maybe the up place is heaven yeah i'm sorry dude that I said that you did something bad. I think we've all done things that are considered. What did I do that was bad? No, I just said that. What did I do?
Starting point is 00:18:51 Okay. Never mind. I want to know what I did. You did nothing wrong ever. Deception. That's 16. Oh, I'm perfect. Exactly. I've never I'm perfect. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:19:05 I've never done anything wrong. That makes two of us, right? Hell yeah, girlfriend. Besties. One step at a time, folks. Looks like we just got to hide dude here, right? Step one is we got to lay low with dude because Willie could get anywhere. It seems like somehow a text message got to us via our
Starting point is 00:19:26 school from maybe heaven so if we go check it out maybe we can find a way up there maybe willie can't get i mean probably can't get it he's like a bad guy so then we could lay low maybe that's step one and then we can figure out how to get dude back to wherever they came from or like wherever you know that we can figure out a sort of more a safer home for dude can we also test okay so like we don't want Willie to put a bracelet on you, dude, because then he'll make you do things. An Imperator bracelet. Yeah, Imperator
Starting point is 00:19:51 bracelet. I don't want that. So can we test like, does it have to be around you? Like, for example, one of my other favorite, I don't know, you all like Garfield. There's another movie called Bubble Boy, which was also pretty good, where like a boy was in a bubble, because like the parents were scared of them getting like, you know, sick
Starting point is 00:20:07 and because they really love them. And when you love somebody, sometimes you do everything you can to make sure nothing can harm them. At least that was the rest of the movie. We always stopped halfway through. I never figured out what the rest of the movie was about. But like if dude's in something,
Starting point is 00:20:19 like if we wrap dude up, like he also looks kind of weird. Yeah, or even just like a person suit. Like if you put a bracelet on a suit, does that count as putting it on them i see what you mean like if we put him in like a you know mission impossible sort of are you really shaping the fucking one ring to a turtle and then having frodo carry the turtle because now he's technically not the ring bearer is that i'm just asking can we test that like we test like how a ring like that works. I guess you could if you had a spare cuff. Yeah, it's not like we have cuffs just lying around.
Starting point is 00:20:47 They're on our dads or on your dads and this gentleman here named Grant Lee Wilson. I'll also say this. You bring up a good point, Link, which is that if we're going to bring dude, and no offense, dude, but you've got like kind of an eldritch vibe. It's really cool.
Starting point is 00:21:02 Thank you. Yeah, I love it personally, but like it might set off a couple alarm bells back on the other earth where Willie is, but we do have a giant person suit that we can put him in. Teen. Teeny the Teen.
Starting point is 00:21:17 Oh yeah, Teeny the Teen. I don't know what I was thinking. What were you thinking of? I just kind of go, and I, um, where did I leave Teeny the Teen? Wait, where did I leave Teenie the Teen wait where did I leave Teenie the Teen
Starting point is 00:21:26 oh gosh I don't remember is it in the goof room I'm sure we could get to school to make another one worst case scenario isn't there a room that's like a
Starting point is 00:21:33 Batman room that you have I've seen it that's right I feel like you're like the family in Blue Ruin and you've just got Teenie the Teen
Starting point is 00:21:38 stashed everywhere I have a pack of Teenie the Teen in my house in case the original Teenie the Teen ever fell into the hands of enemies
Starting point is 00:21:44 you got a Teenie the Teen in a suitcase that you open up and it like attaches onto your body like Iron Man. Yeah, I broke my leg one time trying to turn into Teeny the Teen while I was falling through the air. It didn't go so well. All right, well, yeah,
Starting point is 00:21:54 we'll go get the spare Teeny out of my locker at school and we'll dress up. How big is your locker? What? Is this standard size? What are you coming for? It's a soft head Teeny.
Starting point is 00:22:02 You're also fulled up, dude. Yeah, the costume bunches up. I'm just saying that I have. It's big enough to hold. How big is your locker? I thought it was a normal size, but I can't fit any of my cosplay in there. Yeah, big enough to stuff you inside, though, man. Dude likes my mean sense of humor.
Starting point is 00:22:21 Yeah, fuck Taylor. Hey, what the fuck? You stupid fucking idiot okay i'll kill you wait dude when i say it's funny because i'm damaged but when you say it it's just uh i could damage myself no no don't do that just maybe just not be mean yeah scary. I'll kill you. Okay. So actually, dude, we're all deciding that none of us are going to be mean, I guess. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:52 This is great. All right. Okay. So we're going to dress you up in like a cool outfit so you can. That sounds fun. All right. Yeah. So let's just, I guess, go back to school and get.
Starting point is 00:23:02 Yeah. That sounds good. In an outfit. And then we'll. Let's go. Okay. Yeah. We can send you back to. Teen huddle. Okay. Dude, get in here. Yeah. You're a teen go back to school and get an outfit. And then we'll go. Yeah, we can send you back to teen huddle. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:07 Dude, get in here. Yeah, you're in here. Get in here. No, I don't mind if I do. Wait a second. I roll sense motive on her. Me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:15 Roll insight. It would be. I got a 14. What do I perceive about him? You can perceive that he is just as loyal to the group as he's ever been. But he wasn't loyal to the group. He tried to betray us. Exactly. He's exactly that amount of loyal still. Alright.
Starting point is 00:23:29 Hermie, I gotta be honest. I don't know what you're still doing kicking around. You're my friends. I rolled perception again. Insight. I got a six. I'm gonna roll insight. I trust my main man, Herm. I got a nine. I got three plus six. Okay. I say if we all decided that none of us are gonna
Starting point is 00:23:45 be mean and all of us are gonna be like loyal to the group or not betray the group or whatever then I think Hermie has just as right to be here as anybody else okay you know that's fair and like we are all in this together we're all married and really quick I just like for y'all to know you don't have to follow we don't have to take each other's names. But if you don't mind, if you call me, my last name is now Kix. Kix. Normal Kix. Is that okay? So you're free to take that name if you want or not.
Starting point is 00:24:12 I don't feel any response. You, as my spouses, do not need to take my name. But I am now Kix. All right. I'm going to be Normal Oak Kix. Now that sounds weird. Oak Kix. Kick Oaks?
Starting point is 00:24:22 Taylor Kix. Normal Oak Kix. Normal Oak Kix sounds pretty good normal so that's offensive to the irish i'm not gonna say it like that so but i was kind of wondering what do we do with our dads what do we do well do we want them to come along do we want to have them investigate john do we want them to maybe they can try to research a way to break these collars. That's a good idea. I feel like we can divvy up.
Starting point is 00:24:47 I don't know if we need 12 people on this job. I agree. They are useless to us until they are able to be at full operating combat capacity, which they are not owing to their collars. You guys have any ways of getting those things off? Let's do a little zone of truth on them. Hey, everything you just heard, are you going to talk to Willie about it or anything? And you've cast a zone of truth at this point? Lark says lark says fuck no okay it's just you have the callers that say
Starting point is 00:25:08 you can't hurt him i'm just wondering like how that works we can't physically hurt him but we can hurt you know if he's working with other people if he's got minions and stuff we can fuck them up is there any way you can get those callers off if not telling him something would hurt him could you still not tell him it uh i don't know i think Okay. So I'm not like rushing to call him right now and tell him. So I guess that seems to imply that I don't have to actively tell him. Fair. Good point. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:31 Just making sure. Do we want to send them to see if they can break these cars? Yeah. Okay. Two missions for you. Dads. We have a quest. Well,
Starting point is 00:25:37 there's two dads here and there's this gentleman, Mr. Grant Wilson, Mr. Mr. Wilson, Lee Wilson. Just letting you know that I think it's best
Starting point is 00:25:47 if we just are now both adult friends. And that way I can still speak to you. And these are just the boundaries I've set up. And it's okay. And you seem like a very nice gentleman and maybe someday you'll be a good dad. Just like someday I'll be a good dad. Kicks.
Starting point is 00:26:04 Grant stops posting bikini pictures of himself. Kicks. That's the boundary. Okay. very nice gentleman and maybe someday you'll be a good dad just like someday i'll be a good dad okay mr lark mr sparrow and mr wilson lee wilson sorry i hear your husband's really nice yeah he is great so is my son i miss nothing so we need you three to why don't you say normal you knew what we were doing i'm a little we need you three to... Why don't you say normal? You knew what we were doing. I'm a little... We need you to figure out a way to break out of these bracelets, both for you and in case the worst should happen
Starting point is 00:26:31 with our friend Doodoo. Now we need the whole enchilada on this John fella. Okay. Yeah, make sure his tail's on this John guy. And you're digging to John just in case something goes wrong with my nails. He hacked his phone number into normal's phone. Look, if I know anything,
Starting point is 00:26:44 anytime there's like a case that he thinks not related to the case you're on, oftentimes it's the same case. So there's John Case. What cases are you working on, Link? Well, there's the Doodler case with Willie, and now there's this John case. Who's this John guy?
Starting point is 00:27:02 And it feels like they're going to connect somehow. Well, you already got May Hales onto the John case, like it says. Also, could you start putting out misinformation on where the dude is? Maybe just keep it like, whoa, there's this teen that looks weird. That's like five teens in one in the Philippines. And oh, wait, I saw him in the Antarctica. How is that possible? What's he doing over here at the research station in Antarctica?
Starting point is 00:27:24 Yeah, we need disinformation. So you doing over here at the research station? Yeah. We need disinformation. Suspiria says, do you want us to start a whisper campaign? Yeah. Okay, I guess we can do that. Sure. Do it everywhere.
Starting point is 00:27:31 Well, no, no. Don't do it everywhere but here because sometimes the misinformation is not pointing to, like, a void can sometimes be as big of a sign
Starting point is 00:27:39 as a blinking light. So, like, also say he's at school. Like, also say occasionally that he's with us. You're sure you don't just want us to stay with you and like fight guys alongside you and have conversations between scenes and stuff no we got it from here loser okay but okay you know just being practical here if we go back to old earth or whatever to get the teeny costume from the high school how are we gonna get off that planet
Starting point is 00:28:05 well as long as you're with us we can go between realms and stuff although as far as i mean we can do that without you guys just back off a moment you three like it's cool you can go to hq actually real quick how do we go back we just go back to the hq we got like the meat wall we got lots of people to talk to willie controls dad is youon. How do we get from here to... They're going to help us. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Change of plan.
Starting point is 00:28:28 You guys have to help us. Yeah, that was always the plan. That was always what we wanted to do was help you. All right, you can come along for now, but I want you all thinking about how to break these bonds. Yeah, callers. And you got to post memes that say the Toodler's somewhere else. And you got to keep your distance.
Starting point is 00:28:44 You're on social media. You got to keep your distance, like, emotionally. Like, if we go somewhere, you got to drop us off a block away so we can walk up to where we're going by ourselves. Yeah, this is a professional relationship, and it's important that we keep the boundaries of boss and employee. You got to stop saying boundary, son. It's so weird.
Starting point is 00:29:00 Okay, well, I would appreciate if you didn't call your boss son. Grant's just shaking his head head and Lark's like, just call him boss. I'm not going to call him boss. It's not going to happen. Boss kicks. I'm not going to do it. Boss kicks. Boss kicks.
Starting point is 00:29:17 Boss kicks is a Star Wars character, dude. Sparrow says, boss kicks. That is a very good offer that you've made and we will follow it. And Grant's like, don't call him boss kicks. Boss kicks. Thank you says boss kicks that is a very good offer that you've made and we will follow it and Grant's like don't call him boss boss kicks thank you boss kicks the moment he says boss kicks like Lincoln looks up to the stars and is like boss kicks like this is his whole
Starting point is 00:29:33 identity now he is very excited about boss kicks okay alright I can't believe I'm saying this let's go back to high school I really like how you said that. That was really cool. A little while later You really put a cap on this whole situation.
Starting point is 00:29:52 A little while later you find yourselves back on the earth that you grew up on. New Earth. Neo Earth. Come on. Wait, how did we get here? How do we portal through? The dads have little portal devices that they have that allow them to go back and forth. They never use the meat wall. They just use their portal. Can they give them to us? Yeah, they could we portal through? The dads have little portal devices that they have that allow them to go back and forth. They never use the meat wall.
Starting point is 00:30:06 They just use their portal device. Can they give them to us? Yeah, they could. Hey, give those to us. No. I'm Boss Kicks. Yeah, hey, listen. Listen, fella.
Starting point is 00:30:16 This is Boss Kicks. Just me. That's no sir. Roll persuasion. You get an advantage because I'm their boss? Yeah, you get an advantage for being boss kicks. Okay, good, because my first one was a four. God damn it, a nine. So, yeah, Sparrow says, boss kicks. Because my first was a four. God damn it, a nine.
Starting point is 00:30:48 So yeah, Sparrow says, boss kicks. I appreciate that you are in a position of authority over us. But I think it's probably smartest if we hold on to these because we're more used to them. Now listen, this is going to come up in your performance review. What if we get back to school and everybody's whispering, that's boss kicks. Sorry, boss Kicks never drinks with the customers.
Starting point is 00:31:12 Oh, God. Alright, so we're at school. You're at school. Boss Kicks runs the best watering hole in all of Casablanca. Boss Kicks sticks his neck out for nobody. Kicks, hide me, Kicks. Hey, Miss Hale, can you, like,
Starting point is 00:31:29 get some extra portal guns for us? I can probably make some. Oh, yeah, I also learned some stuff about John. Yes. Oh! Oh, what do you got? I've got this recording from him.
Starting point is 00:31:36 I called him. Anyway, this is John. John. John, the count of three, you'll be hearing from a scout! No! No! No! We knew it.
Starting point is 00:31:47 We knew something was up with John. Was that it? Was that the whole message? Yeah, that was it. He seemed to be really happy about the Scam Likely gag, and he just kind of... Wait a second. I'm on the plus section on May Hales' voice. Okay, go for it.
Starting point is 00:31:57 I got a 20. Is it Scam Likely? Oh, you got me again! What did you do with Miss Hale? Where's Miss Hales? She's probably still at Daddy's. I just rerouted your phone. Wait, so are you John, or did you do with Miss Hale? Where's Miss Hale? She's probably still at Daddy's. I just rerouted your phone. Wait, so are you John or did you just trick us into thinking that?
Starting point is 00:32:10 Oh! He hears voice whining from the phone. Wait, so here's my question, though. Was the scam that he was John or is the scam that we thought we were going to find out who John was and the scam likely called John back? Yeah, I think John's still out there somewhere. I broke the phone. I can't.
Starting point is 00:32:24 I called John. How do you call John? You don't have his number. I have a phone, too out there. Call John. I broke the phone. I can't. I called John. How do you call John? You're on his number. I have a phone, too. I'm a teen. I got a phone. You're not the only one with a phone. Horrible.
Starting point is 00:32:32 Dude, Matt fucking bangers this episode. I got a dumb teen. I got a phone. This is John. What is the new number? What is this? Hey, um. This is boss.
Starting point is 00:32:42 Stop bringing my number around. Hey, this is boss. Let him know who you are. Scam likely? Yes. Oh, it is Boss. Stop bringing my number around. This is Boss. Let him know who you are. Scam likely? Yes. Oh, it's okay. Now I know the whole situation. All right.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Well, thanks. I liked the character I made. He was a well-thought-out character. I'd break Link's phone. No! We can't let him trace us. Normal. Link, he's gone.
Starting point is 00:32:59 You broke... Okay. I'm going to hang on to this feeling, and we'll talk about it later. What feeling? You just broke my phone. But we can't be tracked. We're getting traced. Here, go get a burner phone.
Starting point is 00:33:09 Do you know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. It's a good idea. Are we breaking things now? What? Dude, just phones when people are tracing us. Yes.
Starting point is 00:33:18 So all phones should be broken. Yeah. And he takes Gary's phone and he breaks that and he goes, Taylor. Oh my God. No, that's good thinking. He could be tracing you on your phone, too. Give me your phone.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Damn it. No, Taylor. Taylor, you got to give me your phone. Good luck with this. And it's a Nokia brick. It's one of those fucking Nokia's got snake on it. He eats it. God damn it.
Starting point is 00:33:40 And he gets exactly one unit taller. Yeah. His girth increases a little bit. Hermie goes, I don't need a phone. I speak with the birds. Oh. The dude goes, give me your phone. It's called X now, not the birds.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Hermie gives up his phone, and the dude breaks that one, too. Okay. He accomplished a lot today. We're in a much better situation now than we were. So now the dads are like, well, now you have to keep us around. How are you going to get in contact with us otherwise? Oh, shit. And now they're just going to trace you guys You guys got to break your phones too
Starting point is 00:34:08 Everyone, phones on the table So they all put their phones on the table Dude, break them They smash them each with the palm of their hand They are all obliterated And the dude goes, cool, we're all friends now We're besties Isn't it nice to just have conversations
Starting point is 00:34:24 To just live in the moment again you know wow that's a lot of that's a lot of guys he says looking at the school the school seems to be bustling with activity in addition to the regular amount of students that you see you see a lot of security officers you see a lot of people inspecting bags throwing back people's hoodies to check their faces it seems like they're looking for somebody if you'd like to roll perception you can see a sign on the wall yes or a little poster on the wall oh that's a natural throwing back people's hoodies to check their faces. It seems like they're looking for somebody. If you'd like to roll perception, you can see a sign on the wall. Yes.
Starting point is 00:34:48 Or a little poster on the wall. Oh, that's a natural 20. I got a three. I got a three. I got a seven. Everyone got low numbers. We can't read the sign, huh? It was far away.
Starting point is 00:34:58 I get closer to it. Not only did I see the sign, but it opened up my mind I saw this. Wow. From a distance, you can see a picture that says, warning, if you see any of these five people, please report them to the school immediately. They are led by Taylor Swift,
Starting point is 00:35:15 and it just shows a picture of Taylor Swift holding a sword. And his picture is bigger than everybody else, and then the other four are the rest of you. Shit, I've been made. I cast disguise self. Ooh, there you go. All right, what do you look like now? I look so cool. Ooh, there you go. All right, what do you look like now? I look so cool. You look just like Taylor.
Starting point is 00:35:29 Just like Thomas Crown Affair. They can't catch us if we're all Taylor. I look like Pierce Brosnan. Hell yeah. But a teen. Wait, wait, wait. Young Pierce Brosnan or old Fox Pierce Brosnan? Young Pierce Brosnan.
Starting point is 00:35:42 Because if you were old Fox Pierce Brosnan, he could sneak you in as faculty. Damn. Young Pierce Brosnan. I think scary is of the height where young Pierce Brosnan. Young Pierce Brosnan. Because if you were old Fox Pierce Brosnan he could sneak you in as faculty. Damn. Young Pierce Brosnan. I think scary is of the height where young Pierce Brosnan makes the most sense. Well it could just be old Gray Fox
Starting point is 00:35:53 Pierce Brosnan but short. Short King. Short Fox. Okay yeah. I'm sneaking in as faculty baby. Okay.
Starting point is 00:36:00 Cool. What are the rest of you going to do? I guess we're just going to wait until you just got to go get the team. Wait.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Oh. Oh. Here's what we'll do. What's the rest of you going to do? I guess we're just going to wait until you just got to go get the teeny. Wait. Oh, here's what we'll do. What's your code name? My name is Golden Eye. Golden Eye. Cool. What's your last name? Bond.
Starting point is 00:36:13 Golden Eye Bond. That's pretty cool. Here's the thing. That's what old people use for their joints. So you're Mr. Bond. Yes. Golden Eye Bond. Wait, hear me out.
Starting point is 00:36:23 Bond, you can sneak in, get to Normal's locker, extract the teeny suit that he has in there so that we can, you know what I'm saying? We don't need to all go in just to get the suit. And then you can maybe scrounge up other disguises for us. Okay. Like from the drama department. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Perfect. Is Hermie on the list? No. Hermie is on the sign. It's all five of you. Hermie can disguise himself, right? Isn't that what he's also saying? Who?
Starting point is 00:36:46 Me. And you turn around and he just looks like a completely nondescript teenager that you've never seen before. Where'd Hermie go? Who's this kid? Exactly. Who are you? Who is this guy?
Starting point is 00:36:54 Oh, sorry. Sorry. No, it's me. It's me, Hermie. And he washes off some of his makeup to show the Joker makeup beneath and he goes, it's me. Hermie and Cole and I will sneak into the school get the teeny the teen outfit reconnoiter and then we can all get in and get the doodler to heaven i hate i hate to be just just throwing out there
Starting point is 00:37:13 as an idea amongst the five of us the bosses of this company there are probably places with less security that we could get costumes not to like turn it all around but like like there's a lot people they're looking for us like we could go to like party city all around, but like, like there's a lot of people that are looking for us. Like we could go to like party city. What is daddy's headquarters is spirit Halloween. Now that the mayor is going to go in to get the teeny, the teen outfit anyway. So like we could just get like a, you know, Grant is checking his phone and he goes, guys, it's, it's kind of,
Starting point is 00:37:41 he goes, I have a burner. I wasn't going to give you my only phone. Dude, you know what to do. I'm going to show you that. Give me. And the dude holds out his hand to Grant, and Grant, he's going to roll intimidation on Grant. He got a 14.
Starting point is 00:37:56 Grant's going to roll opposed. Grant got a 16. He goes, no, dude. I'm going to show them what I saw on my phone. It's more important that I have a phone, dude. And then Taylor leaves. I was like, you can break it after he shows us. Yeah, I'm going to show them what I saw on my phone. It's more important that I have a phone, dude. And then Taylor leaves. I was like, you can break it after he shows us. Yeah, I'm going to break it after he shows me.
Starting point is 00:38:09 I heard you say that. Yeah, because we're going to do it. Anyway, I looked online. You're America's Most Wanted right now, and he shows you the FBI. The episode of America's Most Wanted. I'm John Walsh. These four teens at Hermie the Unworthy
Starting point is 00:38:25 look like they may have had a normal day at school, but normal is actually the biggest problem of all. And they're like, crash zooms on normal. What did I do? That's what you say in the dramatization. Dude, they got some fucking dramatization. I won't tell you what he did. It's got dramatization where it's just like
Starting point is 00:38:41 completely different actors for all of us. Yeah. These are adults. Okay. So yeah, currently you're being sought everywhere. And he starts flipping through news pages and you can see that there are checkpoints on the road. The entire city is in lockdown.
Starting point is 00:38:55 Basically, it's like a dystopian. Willie's in charge of everything. Kind of a setting. Fair enough. So world's a spirit Halloween. Dang. Dang. Okay.
Starting point is 00:39:03 How can we disguise ourselves? I have a cat boy outfit, but I don't know if it's sufficient to disguise me entirely. I think we can all agree that the easiest way is for Scary to go in as Pierce Brosnan and get us all- And Hermie going with her. It's the most straightforward way. Yeah. Okay, you could be like a new dad bringing your new teen to school.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Oh, yes. Oh. This is my son, and I'm faculty. It's so embarrassing for him. Oh, good, good. That's hard. my son, and I'm faculty. It's so embarrassing for him. Oh, good, good. That's hard. That's great. That's great.
Starting point is 00:39:29 This is great. Use it. Let's go up to the metal detector. Wait, wait, wait. Everyone, get your weapons out and put it into this hole that I dug. Well, we should all go in the hole. We have to hide. What?
Starting point is 00:39:37 Okay. The four of us have to hide. We can't be seen. I need to make a bigger hole. Use your nature roll. Yeah, boy. Yeah, baby. That's right. That's what I'm talking about, baby. Motherfucking str to make a bigger hole use your nature roll yeah you know i bet you i don't have a costume but i bet you if i just like held a tennis racket they wouldn't because like i'm the soccer guy 11 plus so like they would be like that can't be link 11
Starting point is 00:40:02 plus 2 getting the whole link okay with a 13 you have a hole big enough for everybody to lay in. But check this out. Check this out. I have hide in plain sight. I can spend one minute creating camouflage for myself from naturally occurring materials. Once I'm camouflaged, I can press myself up against a solid surface and get a plus 10 bonus to stealth checks. So while they're in my hole that I dug quickly, you're on top of us. I'm off to the side.
Starting point is 00:40:24 Or am I? We're like a trapdoor on top of us I'm off to the side or am I We're like a trapdoor spider It's just a bush to the left It's like there's a trench and then like an azalea bush Okay are you also sneaking in or are you just doing this just to do it I'm hiding In my camouflage And the bush hides
Starting point is 00:40:38 Fuck me dumb question for me The bush hides the hole better Like the bush is in front of the hole so it's even harder to see the hole. For one minute. But here's the thing, Anthony. That's not a bush. That's me. That's Taylor. That's Freddie. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just spending one minute.
Starting point is 00:40:55 Wait, wait, listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. What a horrific statement. I'm spending one minute just to create the metaphor. That's what it's for, right? To make me miss? Really quick.
Starting point is 00:41:08 I'm in for my holes with no bush. When I'm camouflaged, if I press against any solid surface, I get a plus 10 to stealth. That's what it is. Great, great. I like it when there's a bush covering the hole. I'm a feminist.
Starting point is 00:41:19 A big old bush, like back when the school was in the 1970s. Back in the 70s, this school had a lot more foliage. Okay, so Hermie and Scary are going to head towards the front where there are two armed guards and a metal detector.
Starting point is 00:41:34 And an Azalea Bush that's listening in. Off to the side, there's an Azalea Bush covering a hole. Hey, it's me, Mr. Bond. I'm just checking in with my son. Hi, Dad. Don't call me your Mr. Bond. I'm just checking in with my son. Hi, Dad. Don't call me your son.
Starting point is 00:41:47 It's embarrassing. Oh, well, yeah. Well, you suck. I mean. Wow. Wow. Right in front of new people, huh? No, I just meant that's your name, sucky.
Starting point is 00:42:02 Sucky. Sorry, yes, my name is Sucky Bond. Oh, no, poor kid. that's your name sucky sorry yes my name is sucky bond um so yeah just do the metal detector on us so we can get to class me to teach it and sucky to learn go ahead and roll deception okay fuck do i get advantage because I have disguise cells? Yes, you do. Okay. So with advantage, that's a three? No. So the two guards at the front go, who are you again? Exactly. We don't have anything
Starting point is 00:42:38 on here for a new teacher coming and there's nobody on the roster. Oh, yeah. I'm here to interview. You're here to interview for the teaching position. Then why did you bring your son? Because he supports me in what I do. This is my emotional support. This is my emotional support, son.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Guys, this is looking bad. Some people are like, that's not how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be the opposite of that. But I defy the norms. Guys, this is bad. This is bad. This is bad. bad should i go in am i moving in i shoot the human gun okay so a naked version of grant yes flies out of the bush i shoot it like over them over the school okay like towards the interior of the school like over the guards i'm essentially just trying to create a distraction. Okay. So yeah, that's going to cause a distraction for sure as a naked human body flies over them.
Starting point is 00:43:29 So scary as Bond says, this is taking too long. Not that I'm being suspicious by going in anyway, but I just am. Okay. So a naked body flies over the two guards and you go, this is taking too long and you start walking forward.
Starting point is 00:43:44 So I'm going to have them roll perception to see if they can stop you. I whisper into the gun. I say, say you want to go to school. the two guards and you go this is taking too long and you start walking forward so i'm gonna have them roll perception to see if i whisper into the gun i say say you want to go to school i shoot another human right at the door okay so immediately a second human flying at them one of them gets on the microphone and goes we're under attack we're under attack somebody's throwing people at us i feel like they get advantaged now for their perception against you. Damn it. So yeah, 16. So you try to walk in and one of them stops you and goes, you're a part of this, aren't you?
Starting point is 00:44:08 What the fuck is this? And they draw their guns. Oh my gosh. I come out of the hole. Wait, there's only one way to save this. Fellas. Tick tock prank.
Starting point is 00:44:19 You got two seconds to describe that. Go for it. We just say it's all a prank, bro. Boom. Shakalaka. You just got prank meme-danked
Starting point is 00:44:27 by me, Normal, the rude prank teen. I say, mugging into... I don't have a phone. You just revealed yourself. I'm just gonna... I'm holding up a rock
Starting point is 00:44:38 and I'm gonna try to use sleight of hand to pretend that it's a phone. First roll sleight of hand to pretend to get rocked is a phone. We were the distraction. What?
Starting point is 00:44:44 Well, they saw Normal. They're gonna come after you, so they'll leave. I got a 10. All right, sure. It kind of looks's a phone. All right, first roll sleight of hand and pretend to get rocked as a phone. We were the distraction. What? Well, they saw normal. They're going to come after you, so they'll leave. I got a 10. All right, sure. It kind of looks like a phone. And I go, whoa, what a zany prank.
Starting point is 00:44:52 Roll deception. I got a 12 on my performance. Okay, so when the security guards see normal, they stand up at attention having seen one of the most wanted people on the entire planet.
Starting point is 00:45:03 Oh. Immediately, the two of them go, normal's here, normal's here. It's normal. Link stands up and says, yeah, come get us. And then I shoot the rest of the four bullets at them. So we'll just run into the school now. Yeah, I think we will.
Starting point is 00:45:15 Get the disguises. Roll four ranged attacks. Now we're going to really need them, Will, because now they're chasing us. Roll four ranged attacks, Matt. You also notice that as this is happening, dude begins to slowly stand up, his purple form undulating in the morning light. A 10. Miss.
Starting point is 00:45:30 A 10. Miss. Ooh, a 22. Hit. And a 19. Hit. You got shot with a naked human body? Yeah, so both of them get hit by a human naked body
Starting point is 00:45:40 and they take a, I think it was 2d10 damage. Yeah. And they fall to the ground prone. The bodies then dissolve into hair and fingernails and stuff like that. So as they're about to get up, dude goes, guys, I have an idea.
Starting point is 00:45:52 And he goes over to the bodies and he puts his hand into their mouth and he goes, oh, this is going to hurt. And he sucks the moisture out of their bodies.
Starting point is 00:46:02 Whose bodies? The two guards. You see their bodies begin to grow desiccant. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, dude, don't. All the blood rushes out of their bodies whose bodies the two guards you see their bodies begin to go desiccant All the blood rushes out of them up into his hands and into his body their eyes Shrivel like two grapes left out in the Sun their raisins. Yeah, that is correct. You're right They're like raisins now all their skin goes sal and horrible and they die right in front of you horribly This is when they die, they are screaming.
Starting point is 00:46:27 They're just waving to scary and her and be like, cool, this is a good distraction. Really quick, do they just like turn into dust and then blow away in the wind? It's like an old dried husk of a grasshopper or something like that. If you push them a little bit too hard,
Starting point is 00:46:37 then they would break and turn into dust. Does the wind pick up and then they just kind of flit away? Wait, dude, no! Dude goes, oh, gotta make sure and then he smashes them on the ground and that turns, they explode into dust, and their dust gets blown away in the wind.
Starting point is 00:46:49 Well, that's how I want to go. I did it. I solved the problem. Do you want to do it? Good job, dude. Just run. Leave. We're going to run now.
Starting point is 00:46:58 Okay, where are we running? We just got to get away from here, because they're all going to come after us. Okay, good idea. Well, let's go. Let's just, let's not. He's experimenting with his new body. Let's not's not let's just take a breath and we'll talk about it in a calm way we'll talk about it in a calm way normal okay okay okay okay okay um
Starting point is 00:47:13 so all of you except for scary and hermy run wrong wrong taylor stays put taylor is the most camouflage he's been this whole fucking campaign if you think I'm moving and breaking my cover now, you got another thing coming, buddy. Okay, great. Do we have like coordinates for where this message came in? We just have to explore the school, right? You do have coordinates, actually. Are you guys running away from the school? It was in the cafeteria.
Starting point is 00:47:37 Are you guys running away from the school or running into the school? Okay. We are getting pursued. I'm assuming that when Normal jumped up and revealed himself, they are going to pursue us. Yeah. And are there multiple? I'm assuming there's not just these two. Like,
Starting point is 00:47:48 do we kill all the security guards? Are there more security guards here? Security guards are literally running at us from the school. Correct. Okay. My vote would be that we run into the school because we're trying to get to heaven and we're trying to get through whatever thing is going to hopefully be,
Starting point is 00:48:02 do we want to run through them or do we want to scream? I can scream stinky so that we create a rendezvous point the stinky bathroom i know he wants to go in because hermy and scary need to know where they're going to meet us i see so we lead the guards away from the school hide and then try to sneak back in to meet with hermy that sounds great i love that okay we gotta lose them it's like a soccer move you like stretch the defense and then you make a hole sounds great let's go okay so first let's stick with mr gameplay man decide how our stealth how do we avoid this group well it sounds like a chase because they're gonna run out and they're gonna see you it's like one of those car chases where they turn the car
Starting point is 00:48:34 into a little alley oh yeah that's what we're trying to do and then we're like he drove right past but then surprise there's one right behind you no don't give him ideas so first we're gonna do hermy taylor and scary that's right i forgot taylor's wait is taylor with them we're just sitting out of the way taylor is a third party here yeah we have two parties here we have taylor on his own as a bush taylor gear solid solid yep and then everyone else on it so i think you resolve me separately i think yes. So Hermie and Scary walk into the school, and Hermie's like, I always knew it'd be the two of us at some point.
Starting point is 00:49:11 Hermie and Scary back at it again, you know? Perfect little gruesome twosome, little duo, dynamic duo. Okay, let's just go to, oh, fuck. Do you remember which locker is normal's? I do not remember that. It's probably the one with all the stickers on it. It's probably a gross one with a bunch of stickers on it. When in doubt, follow your nose.
Starting point is 00:49:34 I guess we should start sniffing like a couple bloodhounds. Okay. Let's find a stinky locker. Let's find a stinky locker. I'm going to roll my perception. It's going to be like, you know, there's like little vents at the top. It's just gonna be like foam being pushed out of it. I got a 10.
Starting point is 00:49:45 I got an 18. Don't worry, my love. I mean, sorry, my friend. My friend. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my friend. Somewhere normal senses a disturbance, of course. Just call me dad so that I don't get out of character or whatever.
Starting point is 00:49:56 I'm not as good of an actor as you. Yes, sorry, my lovely dad. And he follows his nose like Bloodhound. What's this freshman doing sniffing my locker never mind me just trying to find my own locker hey young man have some respect oh hey whoa sorry sir the incredible easier than i thought yes apparently you didn't even have to roll for it a bully who respects authority what is it when like instead of yes and it's like yes but no i'm not gonna i'm just gonna roll over
Starting point is 00:50:30 so you find normal's locker which is reeking of sweat and foam oh god is it like leaking onto the locker below it and the one yeah a little bit there's a little drippy drip of sweat god normal of dirty sweating in there i haven't been in this locker in weeks. It just soaked up so much from the costume. I don't sweat in my locker. What do I? The costume. The costume's in there. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:50:50 You're putting the costume in damp, dog. Oh, there's going to be mold in this. Yeah, that thing's road hard put away wet, if you know what I mean. There's going to be fungi and mold in this thing. He's like, well, this is the locker, but I don't have a combination or a key or anything. Okay. What would normal's combination be? How many numbers is it again?
Starting point is 00:51:07 It's going to be three numbers. Of course. As I remember, because I have a locker, three numbers. Freddie, you just say that. Just pretend to be the bully. There's a...
Starting point is 00:51:15 Hey, you guys try breaking the normal's locker? We all, all of us, we all know how to do it. Oh, yeah? How do you do it? Yeah, he's such a loser. His combination is the date that the school was founded.
Starting point is 00:51:29 Oh, my God. Yeah, boy. They just got up and hugged each other. We just fucking made eye contact and said at the same time, I've never felt fucking more powerful in my life. That's the most sensual thing that's ever happened to me. I think he may have outdone Foot Evangelion. Holy shit!
Starting point is 00:51:51 Holy shit! Thanks, sir. I'm a little turned on, I'm not gonna lie. Dude, I'm fully torqued right now, dog. Roll for Kinsey scale. Hermie goes, thank you, sir. I'm wearing month, the day, and the year and et voila! And inside is a horribly, horribly still stinky
Starting point is 00:52:09 teeny-to-teen costume. What else might be in there normal? Oh, you know, there's like a pack of gum. There's a bunch of my old homework in there. A thousand Pop-Tarts. There's a thousand Pop-Tarts. And then there's another kid that gives me a toaster strudel every day at school.
Starting point is 00:52:23 There's a kid in there? There's 400 laser pointers. Please kill me. Kill me. I'm the original TV. I was originally a character who was a man and normal murdered me and made me fictional. Oh, my God. Well, you're free now.
Starting point is 00:52:41 No, that's not in there. That's silly. That's just our DM being silly. Everyone normally murder anybody. Yes. 400 laser pointers. They're trying to flip. Stop trying to make the laser pointer thing happen.
Starting point is 00:52:51 I love laser pointers. He's got like a calendar up there. It's like. It's just him. It's just 12 months of teeny to teeny different poses. It's all self-made. That like fucking like printforus.com or whatever the fuck.
Starting point is 00:53:06 Exactly. I was trying to raise money and I couldn't sell any of them because it was all just pictures of normal and the teeny to teen outfit. You have like every yearbook that's ever happened for school. Like all the research.
Starting point is 00:53:15 A lot of yearbooks. Normal zine is in there. Love it. Nice. Okay. Okay, well, let's get this costume. Why don't you be the one that touches it normal? No. Okay. Great. Okay, well, let's get this costume. Why don't you be the one that touches it more?
Starting point is 00:53:27 Oh, okay. Great. Gets his arms around it. Okay, and now we're headed towards the stinky bathroom. Whose idea was this? It was, and then you hear a guard going, it's Link, it's Link. That's how we transition with somebody yelling the name. Love it.
Starting point is 00:53:40 It's Link! It's Link! That's how we transition with somebody yelling the name. Love it. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth.
Starting point is 00:54:03 Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. And so you are now running from a group of three guards, all of whom are armed, all of whom have their
Starting point is 00:54:21 hands on their pistols. What are you going to try to do to lose them? Can we hold our turn until Freddy as a bush lights a fire somewhere and creates a distraction? A distraction from artist Treadmills? There's a small fire somewhere else. Where are the dads? Are the dads with us? The dads are with you.
Starting point is 00:54:37 Actually, they're also running. Yes. So we're all running. We just need to- We did got portal guns. We zap a portal somewhere. We jump through that portal. They follow us through the portal.
Starting point is 00:54:45 And then bing, bang, boom. There's like 12 portals on the other side. But we are in the portal. Then we went back to the school and we closed it behind us. Ooh. Yes, I like that. They zap a portal. We go in.
Starting point is 00:54:53 And then when we're in that new realm, they zap like 40 portals. And we go in one. And then when they come out, they go, which one are they going? Because of the time dilation, by the time they get through the portal, we've already set up a bunch of portals. Dude, you know what's crazy? If you do a bunch of the portals, you can fucking stack that time dilation by the time they get through the portal we've already set up a bunch of portals dude you know it's crazy if you do a bunch of the portals you can fucking stack that time dilation and all their loved ones will be dead by the time they get back you curse them to fucking come back the same age they are but it's like 400 years in the future dog that's what we want to do okay so you're
Starting point is 00:55:20 going to have lark shoot a portal to where where Where would you like to shoot to? It doesn't matter where. Anywhere but here. But it's got to be somewhere that goes faster than here, slower than here. So back to old earth. Yeah, old earth will work because then it's slower here than it is on earth. And we're doing this as we're running. And the moment we go in, shoot as many portals as you can. We all hold hands so we don't go in the wrong portal together.
Starting point is 00:55:39 Just shoot a ton of portals and then we'll all jump in one. And that one that we jump into needs to come right back here. So Lark says, yeah, okay, I'll make just one portal that comes back here and the rest i'll send to hell love it okay great so he shoots a portal into the ground in front of you you all jump in the surprise guards behind you see that that happened they follow you in for you it's been about a day later oh so we've had a day there you've had a day to set up seconds on earth yes got it okay so great he spends the day just sort of trying to, like, should I approach my maybe son about this stuff?
Starting point is 00:56:10 Should we have a conversation? Like, you know, things are pretty intense right now, but we actually have a moment of respite. So he's like, hey, normal, how you holding up? Hey, Lark, what's up? Uncle Lark? We're just wondering how you're holding up. Oh, I'm good.
Starting point is 00:56:21 Yeah, how's the portals going? It's going good. I just wanted to thank you for calming me down about any nods over it, dude. And he says when I was going to, you know, and he makes a finger gun with his hands. Well, yeah, I'm glad that worked. You know, I'm glad you didn't kill me or anything like that. I was never going to kill you. I was just going to kill.
Starting point is 00:56:38 Okay. Well, you know, but yeah, I was curious if you still had the sun. The sun. Yeah. The sun you stole from Aaron O'Neill in the forest. Where did we put the sun? One of us still has it, I'm pretty sure. We made it small, right?
Starting point is 00:56:52 You made it small, you put it in a box. Hey, I can't help but notice that you're asking about the sun. Yeah, sure, you can be part of this conversation. Well, I wasn't part of it, but now you're asking suspicious questions. That's boss fucking kicks to you, my man. I'm asking suspicious questions. No, no, no, not not for me for you like i felt like it just might be a worthwhile trump card to use in case you need to you know well i mean i
Starting point is 00:57:10 guess now that the doodler's gone we should probably give the sun back to this world you know i've never seen oh we should actually while we're here we can just go to the forest and do that real quick we just yeet it back up into the sky don't we like i mean it casts its own truth on him okay go ahead i'm gonna say so uh why why do you why do you want us to get the sun charisma saving throw he succeeded then because he won a 16 so he can lie so he can lie he goes oh i was just as in case you need it as a trump card that you could you know threaten everybody with it to blow up the whole world or whatever just blow something it's it's a useful weapon to have that's all that's all i'm saying normal do we what do
Starting point is 00:57:42 you think i don't need? I feel like let's give the sun back to the people. I've never seen... Have you ever seen Blue Sky before? It's pretty cool, but do we need to do it now? Do we need to do it now? Maybe get the rest of our group in on this. I don't know. I'm a little suspicious.
Starting point is 00:57:59 Do we need to add another thing to the things we're doing? Well, Scary's got the sun anyway, so let's put it on the list. We need to give the sun back. let's put it on the list we need to give this on the list we'll put on the list okay okay just we can just hurl it up really hard and i think it'll work hey we said we'll do it okay so it's like chill all right well i'm waiting i'm waiting okay well why don't we just put the next portal in or you guys can finish your conversation like 15 portals to hell and then one to go back okay well let's put like another 50 in there all right right, fine. I'll go do that. You got a lot of time.
Starting point is 00:58:26 I'll go do that. Then fine. Okay. Hey, do you want to like, what? Nevermind. No, what's up? We got time. Your dad's kind of over there.
Starting point is 00:58:33 I mean, Mr. Link Wilson. Yeah. Mr. Mr. Lee Wilson. I mean, maybe you want to, do you want to, you know, is there something we need him to do? I mean, do you want to, I just, I don't know. It's, he seems real sad. Well, sometimes your employees are sad and you just don just i don't know it seems real sad well sometimes
Starting point is 00:58:45 your employees are sad and you just don't don't need okay hey mr lee wilson he immediately his face brightens and he stands at attention almost like he leaps to his feet he goes yeah what's up me and kicks yeah me and uh normal here realize that you look a little sad uh yeah my son won't talk to me wow that sounds like something that only a great boss like mr boss kicks can deal with and also i see that uh sparrow oak seems to be having some problems so i'm just gonna make sure he's okay while you're doing that okay hello mr oak and i walk away um sir look i understand this is a little tough conversation for me both as your boss and as your one son that you no longer will talk to i'll talk to you you won't talk to me my I mean my son wouldn't. I am talking to you.
Starting point is 00:59:25 Mr. Boss. You are talking to me boss. Yeah like I said. I just think that. I respect you. As a man. And as a fellow human being. And maybe just the whole baggage.
Starting point is 00:59:36 Of being son and father. Was just getting a little rough there. So I feel like the best way. I can still keep you in. My life. Keep you in my life. keep you in my life, is we just accept that we are just two grown adults who have done some things and will do more things.
Starting point is 00:59:53 Some of those things have been bad. Some have been good. And that's just what I need right now. So Grant scratches his chin. Because as a son, I might have a lot of feelings Sure As a man With just another man
Starting point is 01:00:12 I can accept Your flaws Okay So Grant nods and goes I understand that I just thought Something just occurred to me Hey dude
Starting point is 01:00:21 Yeah Why did you kill those two guys? Because I love you so much And I wanted to protect you Okay That's all i wanted to know that's it but uh yeah sounds like a lot of us have made really tough decisions when we've loved somebody i agree really tough being a grown up yeah it is i understand oh man i can't imagine when i have my own kids it's probably pretty hard huh yeah it's really it's very hard it's the hardest thing there is link does one of those things where he's like
Starting point is 01:00:49 pat him on the shoulder like a good strong man yeah and just backs ways like anyways good talk good talk sir good talk sir and he holds out his hand for a handshake and i shake his hand and he and i turn away so he can't see my face. Okay. One last question. Not to get too much into, you know, house life, but how's your husband doing? Husband's doing good. Really?
Starting point is 01:01:20 Tell him I love him. I mean, tell him your boss respects him as a man. I will do that, sir. Okay. So handshake. Too weird. No, the handshake is good. But no hand shake. The hand shakes you with both hands.
Starting point is 01:01:35 Okay. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Walk away. I'm still holding his hands for a moment. Like pulling him.
Starting point is 01:01:45 But then I let go. Okay, great. Got a lot to do. So what are you going to do with the sun and all that stuff? We're saying scary has it. Oh, scary has it. But it's been added
Starting point is 01:01:51 to the quest list is to give the sun back. Yeah, there's a side quest and like the level right now is like very low and you're like, I don't want to fucking do that. I don't know if I need
Starting point is 01:01:58 to go back and do that. It's a green colored one. This was a quest from a couple levels ago. It's not going to go to the XP. It's not going to go to the XP.
Starting point is 01:02:04 The fucking gun. We're such a cool group of gamers. Yeah, about a day later, you hear, and the three guards come in. But we're gone. But you're gone. How many portals do they see? They see 50.
Starting point is 01:02:17 One of them has a sign that says, not this one. But that's the one. No, it's not. It's not the one. They would think that's the ultimate. I feel like you should roll like a hundred-sided dice to see if they do by accident get the fucking right one. Well, it's not. It's not the one. They would think that's the ultimate. I feel like you should roll like a hundred-sided dice to see if they do by accident get the fucking right one. Well, they'll probably split up.
Starting point is 01:02:30 Don't give them help! What? Anthony makes his own mistakes. If you had gotten a hundred, they would have found the right portal to get back home. They rolled a 95. Ooh. Okay.
Starting point is 01:02:40 So what does happen is once you get back to the school, a portal opens and a single magical speaking stone comes out and plops and hits the ground next to you i pick up the speaking stone hello is this jayce's john no it's no you hear if you're hearing this then i've somehow managed to get a speaking stone back to where our original home was it It's been years. Me and my two fellow guards have spent years jumping from portal to portal trying to find our way home.
Starting point is 01:03:11 Normal, turn it off. We can't handle this guilt. My family. You don't want to know. I took this job as a guard to pay for my sick daughter. No, Normal, it's like one of those links
Starting point is 01:03:18 that you get like with gory video. Don't watch it. You should watch it. You gotta just turn it off. I just need you to find my wife and tell her that I love her. I don't know how long it's been. It must have been years back home as well.
Starting point is 01:03:28 It's been years and years. I try to grab the stone from him. I show up back and we're right here. Once again, this is a recorder. We were on the other side of the station. We were on the other side of the station. It's not here. I grab the stone. Just give this recording to my family. I make sure
Starting point is 01:03:42 to tell the families of the other two guards. Anthony, DM, I am making a request. What do you do? Can I grab the stone? Yeah. Opposed, sleight of hand. 22. All right, so you probably grab it.
Starting point is 01:03:55 Oh, I got a 19. Close, but no cigar. I grab it. I just chuck the speaking stone as far as I can. I go, just like that, your guilt. We can't. Normal. There's too much to hang on to right now. His wife wanted it. We had a message
Starting point is 01:04:10 for his wife. Normal. Please. One thing at a time. I can't handle it. Otherwise, I'll start crying too. Oh my god, I'm gonna start crying. We gotta get to the stinky bathroom. It's our only chance. The wife is just collateral damage. This is another one of all the collateral damage we've damage. We'll fix it later. We'll fix
Starting point is 01:04:26 it later. And then another little subquest pops up on my radar and it's get this guy back to earth. Okay. So as you head back into the school, you can see a bunch of black SUVs pulling up. It's screeching to a halt outside in the parking lot leading to the school. What is Taylor up to this whole time? Sneaking in the back door. So Taylor has the blueprints of the school and the electrical setup, so he's going to cut power to the outer perimeter, the electric cut fences,
Starting point is 01:04:52 the metal detectors, all of that. He's going to irrevocably cut... Roll stealth. Plus 10. Plus 10. Two plus five plus 10. So 17.
Starting point is 01:05:01 Okay, yeah, you managed to do it. Plus five and plus 10? Yeah. Dude, the one time the ranger thing's going to play, I'm going to do it. The idea is that we're just trying to meet them in the bathroom because the only real costume we needed was, we were going to the school in order to get Doodler's costume. Yeah, but then find what's in the cafeteria.
Starting point is 01:05:19 Yes. Yeah. And yes, preferably we would be in there with costumes, but we don't have any costumes. So now we're just trying to sneak into the school altogether. The problem is that we got attacked by all the guards. I mean, we're still recognizable as public enemy. Yes, we got to sneak in using stealth. Not standing up doing a TikTok thing is what I'm saying.
Starting point is 01:05:36 All right. All right. And then Taylor is also going to arrange for costumes for Normal and who needs costumes? Normal and Link, right? Correct. Normal and Link and you need costumes. Yeah, and also, dude's probably not on the picture list, right?
Starting point is 01:05:50 No. But he is like a shifting amalgam of forward nightmare. Yeah, he looks like a weird alien. Well, he'll wear a mask or something, you know? Yes, he'll be under the Teenie to Teenie costume. He'll have a mask under that as well in case they pull off the mask.
Starting point is 01:06:00 Be like, it's normal. It turns out it's not. Sure. It's a kind of creepy mask with a purple neck. Imagine taking off a mascot's head and there's just a man
Starting point is 01:06:09 with a mask underneath it. It's a serial killer. Definitely a fucking serial killer. Okay. Taylor's also going to spend one minute, I assume the school is in just disarray right now,
Starting point is 01:06:18 to disguise himself as something else and he's going to go to the bathroom and meet everyone. Give me something better than something else. He's going to disguise himself
Starting point is 01:06:24 as a trash can. Okay. The ultimate in urban camo. All right, great. It involves going into a trash can and punching some arm holes and some leg holes. Okay, fantastic. The grouch is in there like...
Starting point is 01:06:36 He's got like a hat that's just covered in trash and when he tips all the way down, it just looks like the top is trash. What costume should you guys have? I mean, I honestly think that if we can sneak in, I just don't think if you meet us at the stinky bathroom,
Starting point is 01:06:49 we're already going to be in the school. Okay, okay, okay. All right. And we just got to get to the cafeteria. All we need is costumes that can get us from
Starting point is 01:06:54 the stinky bathroom to the cafeteria. Assuming we can get to the stinky bathroom. And the stinky bathroom has got a window to the outside, so we're probably
Starting point is 01:07:00 going to crawl through that. Yeah. Okay, okay, cool. All right. Then why is it the stinky bathroom? That's the mystery of it. Why doesn't anybody ever open Cool. All right. Then why is it the stinky bathroom? Why doesn't anybody ever open the window?
Starting point is 01:07:07 That's the mystery of it. The windows are open but still smells like poop. Okay. So roll stealth to see if you can sneak into the sneaky bathroom without any of the students,
Starting point is 01:07:15 not the guards, but the students seeing you. Also, again, as you showed up, a bunch of FBI and CIA guys pulled out of their fucking vans and are about to swarm the school. I have an idea
Starting point is 01:07:24 for what Taylor can do. Taylor goes very quickly, finds a blank wall to record a TikTok. How many people follow Taylor's TikTok at school? You can't tell because you don't have a phone. Yeah, you don't have a phone. Taylor starts posting flyers and then goes to the school
Starting point is 01:07:40 computer lab and prints out faces of Lincoln Normal, like 2D faces right? Paper faces and he starts distributing the suits as this act
Starting point is 01:07:50 of rebellion. You are doing Thomas Crown Affair. So it's Thomas Crown Affair but it's your guys' faces. What? What? Why are the students What?
Starting point is 01:07:58 What are you talking about? What? Taylor goes and prints out masks that look like you two. Step one. And then you can, okay. First, first roll stealth for that part. Nine plus 15 is
Starting point is 01:08:12 24. Okay. So you managed to print out a bunch of 2D pictures of your faces. And then he's going to distribute them around the various bathrooms. Okay. Every time a kid tries to throw,
Starting point is 01:08:24 oh, I'm doing my juice box, I throw the trash. And Taylor's headbob's like, hey, buddy. No, no. This is Taylor. Distribute these flyers. He uses his whisper network.
Starting point is 01:08:33 Well, here's the goal. Here's the goal. Let me just tell you the goal. Link, shut the fuck up. This is the goal. I'm helping you, so you just got a little charisma or something.
Starting point is 01:08:39 The goal is to have all the students protesting about the fascist takeover of the school. It's the how you get there. Are you going to tell them them because if you're just leaving them in the bathrooms hoping that people will be like yeah revolution because i saw some flyers bad news for you about the way revolutions well no it's a bunch of well no no no but let me argue this let me argue this the kids coming in have won their teens
Starting point is 01:08:59 they fucking hate authority and what do they see they see that they're getting late to class pictures of someone's face. They see pictures of America's most wanted as far as they know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Listen to me. Let me finish this. Okay, let me finish. The kids are going to fucking see what? A bunch of fucking security apparatus.
Starting point is 01:09:17 They're getting fucking wanded on their way in the class. Some of them are showing up late. A bunch of fucking adults are imposing martial law on the school. That's fucked. Any kid's going to be kid's gonna be like this sucks all right sure who are they looking for their classmates i don't know what everyone's relationship is but they know that the classes are people who have gone to the school so in the bathrooms and all the bathrooms are little face masks of the people who are most wanted every kid's gonna be like yeah fuck authority let's put these on for it roll for it baby wait wait before he rolls. Freddie, I'm just saying, I think the charisma of Taylor, who is popular at school, would
Starting point is 01:09:49 be helpful in convincing them to do it. So why are you getting rid of one of your best assets? That's true. Maybe you hijacked the fucking school announcement system. Here's how Taylor. Yes, exactly. Or you just put some propaganda on the back of the fucking flyers. That's what I'm saying.
Starting point is 01:09:59 I'm saying just the flyers aren't going to do it. Here's what it is. Here's what it is. All right. You hear. Is this thing on? Listen, fellow students. now is our time to rise in every bathroom is a face mask containing the big faces of america's most wanted let's show these stupid fucking adults that we mean business let's tell us a crown affair that shit and then meanwhile by the way anthony
Starting point is 01:10:20 they fucking fbi guys are already stacked on the door We're cross-cutting to the sound of Taylor inciting revolution. He's telling these kids being like, throw off the yoke of your oppressors. Show these adults that we mean business. And then the fucking guy, the fucking guy does like the two-finger thing. He's like, go, go, go. And they fucking kick the door down. And guess what, Anthony? It's just a fucking recording. It's just a tape
Starting point is 01:10:40 recording the whole time. Dude. And they thought they had him. They came out with their guns drawn, lasers and like flashlights sweeping the room. And they all converge on the whole time. Dude, and they thought they had him. They came up with their guns drawn, lasers and like flashlights sweeping the room and they all converge on the fucking phone and it's just a recording and they're like,
Starting point is 01:10:50 this recording will stop. This recording will stop this strike in five seconds. Nice try, FBI loser. And then it goes, and a little bit of smoke comes out.
Starting point is 01:10:59 Yeah, this has been Dungeons and Daddies, a podcast DM'd by Freddie Wong. Now what do I roll? Now you roll stealth again to set up the recording. Seven plus 15, 22. Now roll persuasion
Starting point is 01:11:14 to see if you can get the kids to rise up. But people like me. You get persuasion. 19 plus 120! Jesus Christ. So the kids go, fuck these cops. Fuck these cops. That's right. Fuck the kids go, fuck these cops. Fuck these cops.
Starting point is 01:11:26 That's right. Fuck these cops. Fuck all these cops. And wear the masks to fuck them. You hear a lot of people go like, oh, ma'am, I gotta go to the bathroom. Ma'am, can I get out of the bathroom? Gotta go to the bathroom, ma'am.
Starting point is 01:11:35 I just gotta go. And this is cross-cutting with the fucking FBI stacked on the door? Yeah. Do you hear the people saying? All the kids go into the goddamn bathrooms, coming out with masks of Link and normal on. And they're just like, fuck up, fuck up.
Starting point is 01:11:47 And they're chanting and they're parading around. So it is weirdly super easy for all of you to get in. Link hearing this puts on a mask of normal. Yeah! And hands normal a mask of Link. Now we fit right in. And we walk proudly through the halls to the stinky bathroom. All the adults you're with also put on masks of their likes.
Starting point is 01:12:05 Lark and Sparrow put on masks of normal to support him. And Grandpa's on a mask of you. Nikki, go find those two men. Get them out of hell. Bring them home to their wives. Okay, I'll be right back. Nikki. Okay, I don't want to know what happens.
Starting point is 01:12:17 I assume it all goes great. We're gone. We're not there. We're not there. We were just there. It's two seconds past, and for him, it's a week. That's in the past, man. So he comes back, and he's just like, um.
Starting point is 01:12:29 Mickey. It went great, right? You got him home to their wives? Do you want to know, or do you want to? Maybe we should just keep going. Oh, God. So he's going to roll. So roll insight.
Starting point is 01:12:39 Do their wives know what happened to them? OK, I got an 11 on my insight. OK, so you know whatever he says is going to be a lie. Okay, what does he say? We know your lies, so don't say anything. And he closes his mouth, and he goes, Normal. You have to decide if you're going to live with this or not.
Starting point is 01:12:57 All right, well, we'll figure it out later. Okay. They died of old age. That's not bad. Horribly. That's not bad, though. Surrounded by their enemies just mocking them you're dying you stupid old man you're dying no loved ones here just us
Starting point is 01:13:14 you have no loved ones fuck that's a hard way to go oh man and then they die and they go to hell and they pop up right where they were but now they're a demon okay so yes you have everything you need to get into the cafeteria where you may we please play the scene inside the stinky bathroom sure you were inside the stinky bathroom taylor's not there and you hear took you guys long enough and the garbage can in the corner starts clapping. I just wanted that little beat. That's all right. Scary.
Starting point is 01:13:48 How'd it go? Went fine. We got this stinky, horrible thing. This thing that I wanted so long to steal and bring back to my father. But now having done it is my backup. Yeah, I know. And it just means nothing to me now. And yeah, that smells.
Starting point is 01:14:01 And then this bathroom stinks. It's a veritable buffet of awfulness. So let's do this, dude. I'm going to put on this costume. I should stop them from putting on a bracelet. Oh, it smells nice. Thank you. It smells like the spirit. I can feel the spirit of the person who wore this.
Starting point is 01:14:14 Oh, my God. That's the whole point. It sounds like somebody really cared. Okay. Well, I'm glad you two are happy with the smell. Dude, there's like taking communion scent-wise over there. Body and blood. So what do we do now?
Starting point is 01:14:30 We go to the cafeteria? That's where they said this is? We need to investigate the cafeteria. I'll be the vanguard. I'll meet you guys there. Okay. As you go in the cafeteria, there's a trash can in the middle of the room.
Starting point is 01:14:41 People are just nonchalantly walking past it, bumping into it, not even noticing it when it's there. Throwing things away. Also, that power was only for a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no. It takes me a minute to get into the costume, and then once I have it on, I can do it. It's a concentration forever.
Starting point is 01:14:56 Plus 10 bonus Estelle checks as long as I remain without moving. I mean, yeah, that's what it is. In that moment. Hoisted on your own petard, my friend. I'm just saying, like, during a lot of this stuff, I'm not moving. I'm just sitting there. They're coming in.
Starting point is 01:15:11 Oh, by the way, by the way, you know that scene? Hey, real quick, you remember that scene where they're recording? You moved so much. Remember that scene where they were only moving? Remember the scene where they came in and it was just a recording? Yes, I remember that scene. Now we flash back and we pan to the left, and it turns out Taylor was at the whole time
Starting point is 01:15:31 picked up recording what the cards picked up with a quarter said fuck just like a quarter I got it back so we're in the cafeteria so you're in the cafeteria and you can see that today is career day if you want to you can use this time to respect your character reclass your character holy shit soccer player and you see
Starting point is 01:15:58 a big list of different jobs that you can have and they are in order wait is this heaven no this is just where the text message came from. No, this is school. I'd like you to join my professional network in heaven. I work at heaven. So you see kiosks for many different kinds of jobs.
Starting point is 01:16:19 You see accountant, soldier, samurai, chef, sports mascot, entrepreneur, contractor, athlete, and programmer. Where would you like to go first? Accountant, soldier, samurai, chef, sports, entrepreur, newer. The worst John le Carré novel of all time. Samurai, sports mascot, athlete, chef, soldier, entrepreur, newer. It's spelled all weird. Contractor and programmer.
Starting point is 01:16:42 I mean, I guess we're supposed to be looking for heaven, though, right? Yeah, is heaven here? You're looking for whoever sent that text message. Oh, guys, this is where the text message came from. It's probably a sports guy. Link, are you just saying that because you want? I really want to go see sports. Okay, okay, no, you're right.
Starting point is 01:16:56 You're right. You guys decide. I can't be unbiased in this decision. I'll follow you. It does feel like maybe we can all take a look around. There's probably one of the guys here sent the message. Do we know what Ron looks like? You know what he looks like from the neck up because of the video you saw at Daddy's?
Starting point is 01:17:10 Scary's like, yeah, I think we should go to sports because it looks like Ron would probably be there. And I'm going to roll deception because Scary just wants to check on the sports. I got an 18. Great. Okay, I didn't see him there. But like, if you want to go to sports, that's cool. We could go to sports. We both want to be sports people. Soccer specifically, right? Yeah. On three, everyone say what booth you want to go to sports, that's cool. We could go to sports. We both want to be sports people.
Starting point is 01:17:25 Soccer, specifically, right? Yeah. On three, everyone say what booth you're going to. One, two, three. Sports! Both of you going to sports? Yeah, we're going to sports. No, okay, we can't both go to sports.
Starting point is 01:17:33 On three, let's just say which booth we're going to. One, two, three, sports. Sports. Sports. Okay, so we'll split up. Hey, normal, we're going to go to sports. Okay. We see Ron there, but don't come.
Starting point is 01:17:44 You don't need to come. Okay, okay. You should probably look somewhere else in case he's not where we think he is. Hey, normal, we're going to go sports. Okay. We see Ron there, but don't come. You don't need to come. Okay, okay. You should probably look somewhere else in case he's not where we think he is. Yeah, okay, that's fine. I cast about the room to see if I see Ron Stampler anywhere. Roll perception. I look at the sports booth only. Is he in the sports booth?
Starting point is 01:17:55 Again, roll perception or investigation. I got a five. Can't tell. Do I get double perception since I'm focusing on just one spot? You have two eyes. You have two eyes, buddy. I got 20 with one try. Okay, you can tell he's not in the sports booth. Damn it!
Starting point is 01:18:06 Taylor's already at the samurai one. Tell me of the wave. Oh, the waves of the samurai are many and varied, but foremost amongst them is, and a smoke bomb goes off. CIA guys rappel from the roof, their guns drawn, and the guy takes off his mask, and it's Agent Schmeggin, and he
Starting point is 01:18:22 goes, deception. And I hold still. Where'd you go? Where'd you go? I lost it. Meanwhile, over at the athlete booth, you both walk up and there is a fresh face, kind looking young woman there who says, what are you interested in? Is it Mia Hamm? Yeah, it's Mia Hamm.
Starting point is 01:18:41 I want to be as good of a soccer player as you. Oh, well, the most important thing to remember when working as an athlete is the element of, and she takes off her mask, and it's the mayor, and she goes, surprise! And do the right people come in as well. Oh, God. Wait, there's one more place to check.
Starting point is 01:18:57 And then Normal and Dude holding hands now run over to the mascot booth like, please tell me you're really a mascot guy and you can help us. John turns around and goes, oh you're really a mascot guy and you can help us. John turns around and goes, oh, I'm a mascot guy. No! A mascot of scams! Thank you. It's a matter of time till we make it out alive
Starting point is 01:19:46 We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow.
Starting point is 01:20:10 I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burch is our DM, Will Campos We'll see you next time. and Raph is our transcriber. This podcast is supported by a Patreon, so keep an eye out for folks with names like Veronica Fieldhouse, Lauren McVeigh, Cameron C, Stephen Creaney, Paul Hurley, Glinsky007, Emma Windle, Andrew Botkin, Master Porkchop, Angela Schrader, Ultra Meanie Pants,
Starting point is 01:20:56 Alexander Hockey, Chris Wayman, John Paul Kilcrease, Aaron Kay, Michaela Dajani, Sia Mighty, Harley Reeves, Kyle Kay, and Jeremy Vitipan. Next week, we are touring the West Coast for the Do or Dice live tour. Five cities, five dates. Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego. You're going to pay for the whole seat, but you only need the edge, as they say.
Starting point is 01:21:19 A lot of shows are sold out, but some have released some tickets as we get closer to these dates. So check it out. That's dungeonsanddaddies.com slash live. You can can see the tour dates just see if there's any tickets left i know los angeles has some so like get on that la come on it's hometown i'm gonna be bringing out the original honda odyssey for this i mean i'm gonna try and park it in front of the theater we'll see and also you know there's a little bit of ticket trading and extra selling happening in our discord which you know about if you are a patreon supporter in fact patreon supporters got access to those live tickets 24 hours before the rest of you normies and that's just one of many benefits that you could receive if you support us on patreon we just posted a live
Starting point is 01:21:52 show we did at rtx uh on the patreon the video and audio feed and that's on top of hours and hours of bonus content we have the dad of the christy mini series up next some bonus content we talk about the show some of the bonus content is bespoke original one shots, gameplay and more. A lot of content, a lot of stuff to listen to and get entertained by. All that at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads.
Starting point is 01:22:11 Check it out. Twitter, Dungeons and Dads. Website, Dungeonsanddaddies.com. Merch, store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies and that next episode is coming at you August 29th. We hope to see you on the tour,
Starting point is 01:22:21 but otherwise, we'll see you back in August 29th. We live for tomorrow. Make steel and borrow. Otherwise, we'll see you back. We'll see you on August 29th. Are we like two weeks in the future now? my way

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