Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 41 - We Need to Talk About Heaven

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

A new ally joins the teens as they dodge an ambush and make their way to heaven.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. The jobs of tomorrow are here. Thousands of them waiting to be filled. Entrepreneurs. But you have to know the fields they're in. And you have to have what it takes to master those fields. Because you can't get the jobs of tomorrow until you respect your classes today.

Program. Start by going to Teen High Career Day in the cafeteria. Visit our informative booths on tomorrow's careers and what it takes to get them. Samuel. I always thought I would be an anime voice actor like my mom. Until Teen High Career Day showed me the way of the blade. With my new degree in samurai studies, I'm ready for anything. Athlete.

Teen High Career Day gave me the confidence I need to succeed both on and off the field. Now my mayoral minions, attack! Get down on the ground! Mascots. Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure Teen High Career Day is a trap or a scam, but they do have a mascot booth, so I'm gonna roll the bones. Surprise, it was a trap and a scam! Get down on the ground! Teen High Career Day. It's not. It was a trap and a scam. Get down on the ground. Dean High Career Day.

It's not a trap. It's not a scam. Start your new career today. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies on the BDSM podcast. This is a D&D podcast about four teens from our world sent into another world to fix the mess that their grandparents made all those years ago. Seems like a raw deal. That was good. Thank you.

I was fucking heat, dude. I found the heat, baby. Sum 41, he found it. Got the fastball locked in. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the Ranger. Maybe not the Ranger, although now I'm wondering if that was just a fucking ruse this whole time. No, you can.

You can still change your class if you want. Okay. The Ranger team, but maybe not for long, but he still loves anime and he still loves surviving on his own wits and his own way with a pocket knife. This week's teen fact for Taylor, as you saw in the last episode,

Taylor made a beeline for that samurai booth on career day this in retrospect that doesn't feel like a modern career it's felt like a pretty obvious trap now that i'm like looking back at it did you really not think it was a trap when you went i was so excited i was so excited we would have fallen for ice cream taster clearly like roller coaster designer taylor's teen fact the reason why he loves the samurai so much is because We would have fallen for ice cream taster, clearly. Now I think about we're really dumb. Rollercoaster designer. Taylor's teen fact. The reason why he loves the samurai so much is because this is something that he. Because it's Japanese?

Is that why? Like all we boys, they consider this, which is, am I more ninja or am I more samurai? Oh, it's true. Which is he? He was so stealthy last episode. I know. So clearly ninja, but he has started to come around on the idea of wearing more than one sword,

which is what the samurais do. But ninjas get more than one thingy, don't they? Yeah, they have a little dagger and a little sword. They got a kukiri. No, but like samurai's got like two swords, dog. And also a code of honor that Taylor clearly does not have. Yeah.

Nah, that'd be Ronin, dog, you know, without a master. Samurai don't have to tuck their balls up like ninja do. That's a thing, right? Yeah. That's in the ninja movies. Ninja then samurai don't have to tuck their balls up like ninja do. That's a thing, right? That's in the ninja movies. Ninja's got to, like, suck it back into their cavity.

Yeah, ninjas and drag queens. They don't suck them back in. They tuck them in. They can't go crazy. Wait, you can't? What have I been doing this whole time? Oh, who's next? That was me.

Anthony's laughing, but I think it's Beth and Anthony. Anthony's laughing at something Beth said in private. Not on the podcast. You put your laughs on the podcast my life was dead silent you would have never known if you hadn't pointed it out she sent me a very funny text okay oh okay well three of us will say for my dad fact i'll tell you what the text was it's the same text i sent freddie a few days ago okay well that's great well fuck me and Matt then, I guess. We'll get to know. I'm creating a tier system of my friends. Look, Beth, what do I have to do to be tier three, not tier four? That's all I want to know.

I can't be at the bottom. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln M. Kicks, the the school in prison soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group only cares about this group nobody else this is his new family now a little known fact about lincoln back in the good old days before he knew he was living in a prison is i think i said before that social media network of choice was next door but i never explained how he used it which is he would always just give the neighbors a warning that he was going to be practicing soccer because it might get a little rowdy

because i've been scoring a lot today so that's why every morning you just be like hey guys on next door if you hear some noises on in my house it's just because i'm scoring a lot of noises in my house he's not even going to the backyard i hear a lot of noises over the fence that's just don't don't worry nothing crazy going, just me scoring some goals. I've been doing good. Did you say he's posting that on Nextdoor? Yeah, Nextdoor, yeah. His favorite social media network. So like,

oh, okay. Yeah. That's because the way that he kicks balls is he goes, hey! If you're on Nextdoor, you know that a lot of people

just do things like, hey, did anybody hear that noise across the street? That's true. So it's just the link of Nextdoor is just for norms. Does anyone see my wallet? The problem is

when he shoots goals, he goes, help! Help! Perfect murder. Anyways. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos.

I play normal oak kicks. I think I changed my name to last episode. Thank you. It's all dirty. Normal kick oaks. Normal oak. He's a perky, peppy,

chipper, cheery, school spirit, mascot kid. I think we said normal oak kicks. Normal oak kicks. That's right. Normal oak kicks. normal oak kicks normal normal kicks i'd like to do if i may one more cat fact for normal in honor of so much mustard on that you're so excited for this i was yeah when normal oak kicks was a wee lad the family had a cat and the cat got pregnant and normal was like that cat has eight nipples ergo there will be eight kittens because it's one nipple for each kid and everyone was like that's not how it works normal

don't think there's gonna be a mom you have two kids eight kittens and normal to this day still thinks that's how it works and mrs. oak had two kids she had two kids two nipples two nipples checks out so I only have two kids just how it works you saw an episode

octomom and it was like, oh, no. They had to censor the rest of her boobs out. I just Googled how many nipples do cats have, and now I'm on some list. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow. A goth punk seeker of darkness. He just hit a soccer ball. A goth punk seeker of darkness. He just hit a soccer ball. A goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore.

Fun career day fact about Scary is that when Scary grows up, she wants to open a French bread shop because it's all about the pain. Yes! Hell yeah, Beth! Yeah.

Yeah. I think your honorary dad sticker's coming in the mail. What? That's fucking good. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad! So the tweet that Beth sent me was-

It was a tweet. It was a tweet, yeah. I'm not that funny. I rely on tweets. So this is a tweet by somebody named Kiefer, parentheses suspended. The tweet is, me, you call that a blowjob? I didn't even come. The samurai who sucked me off. Are you sure? Me, what? Suddenly starts

blasting everywhere. So fucking good. So when we last left you, you had heard that... Yo, Jizbo, that's it. Yo, Jizbo! You found that the person that had sent you the message from heaven had actually sent it from the San Dimas High School, from Teen High, somewhere in the cafeteria. You snuck into Teen High after a dude murdered two of the guards.

You managed to convince a couple of them to chase you, led them into a multiverse of madness and left them there to die of old age. Meanwhile, they're fine. We're going to go get them after this. It's fine. It's on the list. If you ask people how they want to die,

every single person on the planet says dies of old age. So like, they're pretty good. Hey, I didn't hear that first and last second part. Dies of old age. As Freddie mentioned, they were surrounded by people who hated them that was funny um uh well meanwhile thanks to scary dude is now in a teeny the teen costume that they managed to get from a surprisingly helpful bully taylor launched a revolution in the school yes yes taylor launched a revolution so

that everybody is wearing masks of both link and normal normal last episode is really the empire strikes back of our podcast. Yeah, for sure. Just good stuff. Really a last job. I was really divisive. Then you went into the cafeteria.

You saw that it was career day. You saw many booths for career day and you managed to find the exact three booby traps I laid for you. Not at all. Subtly. Those were the only booby traps. Oh God. And you sprang all three of them.

Every single other one was just. Every single other one was real. Every single other one was just going to be normal. Like, Hey, you can change your class here. I feel so dumb. I just thought wherever we went, something would happen.

No. We really just fell for traps. Truly, athlete, school mascot, and samurai were the only three that were very obviously for you. How could we not go to those three, though? Dude, it's just like the Stanley Parable, bro. It's a perfect trap. Like, you fucking played us like a boat fiddle.

Yeah, no plans. The other ones, remember, were accountant, soldier, chef, entrepreneur accountant soldier chef entrepreneur newer contractor and programmer which we had gone to soldier he didn't say like u.s army recruitment he just said soldier black waters here would you hey kid would you like to join the french foreign legion he's got anyone can join and conclude any nationality you just gotta pass the test when you went to talk to the samurai CIA agent, Schmegen ripped off a mask and revealed it was him. And a bunch of CIA guys dropped into the room.

When you went to talk to the athlete, it turned out to be the mayor. And the mayor dropped a bunch of people in the room. And when you went to talk to the sports mascot, it turned out to be Scam Likely. And a bunch of scam soldiers. A bunch of scam soldiers, which I now realize. What are scam soldiers?

I had 24 hours to decide that. And it's the cast of Family Guy. The cast of Family Guy is rushing in with ill intent. Oh, so these are three different parties. We're not getting kidnapped by the same people. No, you now have managed to set off basically a triad of pain from three directions. Fuck. Three French

bakeries? Yep. I think the first thing might be rolling initiative. There's so much combat. We didn't have any combat last episode. No, but we did. We did a lot of sneaking. Hey't have any combat last episode. But we did. We did a lot of sneaking. Hey, have we leveled up at all? No.

But we got the doodler. Yeah, we leveled up. You did get the doodler. That's fair. I feel like you should go level up for that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think you should. Yeah. So we're all level 11 now, right?

Level 11. Yes, all of you are now. I'm going to add some other stuff to my character while I'm here. I think I speak Minotaur now. Three plus one. Because I can't. I never chose my lane. My initiative roll is three plus one, four. Now I'm changing my background from sage to noble.

Actually, no, I'm haunted. I'm a haunted one now. Oh, God. Here we go. I got a 17, Anthony. Oh, there's some suggested characteristics for my character. I live for the thrill of the hunt. I got a 20. Make sure to look that

into your fucking new Lincoln M-Kicks fucking intro. Man, I'm level 11 again. I'm making some different choices this time. Oh, yeah. I've already lived this. So now you know what? You got the fucking benefit of experience. Yeah, I'm getting rid of mass suggestion, and I'm adding something else.

Really? Mass suggestion was super useful. No, but I found one that I think might be useful, too. Wow, okay. Might be useful-er. This is like your eat, pray, love starting over. Yeah. So you're 13 going on 30.

I got 12 initiative. Level 13 going on level 30. So he looks around. He's like, you know what's the problem with this? Because they came to me, but I live for the thrill of the hunt. No, the thrill of the hunter has become the thrill of the hunted.

There's something new about you, Link. Right now, you have three different groups of people. You have 10 doodlerized people, you have 10 CIA agents with machine guns, and you have 10 cast members of Family Guy coming at you. Which 10? There's Joe, Cleveland, Quagmire, Peter, Meg, Brian, Stewie,

Stewie there? Yeah, Stewie's there. He's the boss. He's the boss. He's the leader. You never get the most famous one. Lois. Peter.

He said Peter. I said Peter. Peter. No no not like that oh that was good that the chicken the chicken that's nine

that's nine I need one more how about American Dad yeah American Dad and American Dad yeah Ted Quinn is American Dad a little crossover event

okay perfect Peter help me kill these teens shit that's really good Scary it is your turn first. Okay. Scary just bashes off.

And you were surrounded by those other kiosks for the other careers as well, in case that matters to you. But we're surrounded by bad guys, right? Yeah, there are bad guys rushing you from three angles. Kind of on all sides. Yeah. Okay. I cast Circle of Death.

Whoa. A sphere of negative energy ripples out in a 60-foot radius sphere from a point within range. Each creature in that area must take a constitution saving throw. A target takes 8d6 necrotic damage on a failed save. 8d6? You can't make a circle around us that goes outward. This is like a circle. Yeah, so you're not going to hit everybody.

You're going to hit a fair number of people. You can probably nuke like one group of them. Yeah, I'll find a quick little circle of them. And I'll have the three of us all a little bit away from each other? Yeah, we all split up to go to the different booths. Yeah, but I'm carefully

casting this, obviously. Do you want to do it where you cast a really big circle that's kind of nonspecific so you'll get like, you know, a couple from each group

or do you want to cast a circle around one specifically? It's more about the mayor people. The mayor people are on us, right? Yeah, I'm going to try to get all the mayor people because those are genuinely creepy. Okay, so they're having to do

saving throws, was it? Yes, a constitution saving throw. Okay, so this is the mayor. She gets a natural one. Nice. Her 10 dudes. All right, so half of them take how much?

31. 31 damage. Okay, just barely enough. Half of the dude-to-rise people are incinerated by this dark energy. Mamma mia. From the circle of death. And dude is like,

it's bad when I do it, but when she, that's cool. That's what we're doing. It is cool, but it's, I'm kind of a bad girl. I want to be a bad girl. No, no, no. It's self-defense.

I'm going to be a bad girl. I'm going to be a bad girl. That's my main motivation now dude oh no we've lost dude well there are different

types of bad girls some bad girls are actually good girls yeah right yeah like Taylor Swift yeah or she's the other way around

she's the other one she's the other one she's a good girl who's actually a bad girl wait but deep down depends on the album deep down she's a bad girl depends on the album

yeah we all got different ways of being in the world and you gotta find your own way you gotta do it your style dude who's actually a bad girl. Wait, but deep down. Depends on the album. Deep down she's a bad girl. Depends on the album. Yeah, we all got different ways of being in the world and you got to find your own way. You got to do it your style, dude. Wait until my turn comes up. I'll do it my own way. Okay. Just defend yourself from bad people.

Or maybe just, you know, when do you go? Last. Okay. That was scary's turn. Very well done. It is now normal's turn. So the mayor is not dead,

but she takes a great deal of damage from it. As the harm goes to the mayor. The skin is burned off of her face revealing just the skull underneath when you looked at her first it was like it must be something about her skin that makes her skull and her cheekbones feel bigger than they are but when her skin melts and sloughs off her face you can see like no the bones are just wrong the bones are just misshapen wrong bones and we've decided that she's not like human right no she is i mean is she she is, is she? She is. I can't remember what you decided. I mean, I'm asking you. I'm pretty sure you never found out definitively.

Okay. But she's like melting right now. The skin of her face just melted off and she seems to still be alive and functioning. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to take it as like, I'm just trying to give myself some moral rationality. Okay. Yeah.

Go for it. All right. It is normal's turn. You know what? I'm worried about this harmful influence Scary is having over Dude. So I'm going to try to help out the battle and you know maybe inspire dude with a new positive role model so i'm going to cast one of my new spells planar ally you beseech an otherworldly entity for aid the being must be

known to you a god primordial demon prince or some other being of cosmic power or just a bro or just a bro that entity sends to you a celestial an elemental or a fiend dude don't you understand you don't have to be a bad girl you can be a powerful cosmic entity that brings joy to people that helps people in their time of need like santa claus i call on santa claus for aid okay and then he can like maybe send me like a fun elf to help in the battle. I could send you a gift. Okay, so do you have to roll for a spoon? Sorry, are you rolling for Santa?

Okay, this is a little, all right. When the creature appears, it is in no way under compulsion to behave in any particular way. I can ask it to perform a service in exchange for payment, but it isn't obliged to do so. That doesn't sound like Santa's MO at all. But it's a cafeteria, so there there's gotta be milk and cookies here. Yeah, perfect. So I asked Santa for aid in exchange for all the milk and cookies

in the cafeteria. Okay, so Santa appears before you in the form of a little green gremlin with a red hat, a hunched back and templed fingers. He goes, what's up? Oh, you're Santa? Yes, once Glenn Close bought

Christianity and Christmas to hell, the job of Santa Claus was taken up by a lesser demon, me. Oh, are you like, okay, well, in the spirit of Santa Claus, I call on you to help the children of the earth, i.e. us, in this battle against those guys. What will you give me? Oh, how about these milk and cookies? How about your soul?

Oh. How about your soul and milk? I, um, I feel like I'm gonna... That's awful. My soul isn't really for sale because I'm married to a bunch of other people and, like, that would mean I'd have to... Ooh, a 10 for one deal.

I can't give you all our souls in exchange for this fight. You can't barter our souls, please. Is there anything else you'd like? I've got some gum in my pocket. What kind of gum? It's spearmint. No! Fuck off and he leaves. Oh, shit.

Well, that's my turn. Roll persuasion. Roll persuasion on him. Hey, Santa, what happened to all your reindeer? No, you don't want to know. You killed them. I hate them, yes. What would you do if you got a soul? If I got a soul, I would eat it. You don't get a hundred grand. How would you help? What would you do if you got a soul? If I got a soul, I would eat it. That's like when there's no commercials.

Oh, you don't get a hundred grand. How would you eat it? How would I help normal? I'll grab little Stewie Griffin and I'll crack his head open like a ripe egg and pour his brains into my mouth. Oh, you get a Stewie Griffin soul. With just Stewie or would you get rid of all 10 of them? Well, that's for family guy.

They don't have souls. I wouldn't get rid of all 10 of them, but I would definitely kill a couple of them. I got a 16. Best I can do is two pieces of warm spearmint gum. And Stewie Griffin, whatever's inside that. You know what? You got a deal. For a 16, just for you, kid.

But we'll be meeting again. Oh, God. Just you wait. If not in this season, then in fan canon afterwards. He goes, Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle. And he jumps over and tries to lunge at stewie and he fails but instead he ends up grabbing peter and peter goes oh no and he grabs him and cracks peter open

down the center like perfectly bisects him vertically and then just crawls inside of peter and starts wearing him like a little man suit and you hear a slurping sound and peter gets skinnier and skinnier as he eats his organs from the inside out. I'm going to use a free action to cover dude's eyes so he doesn't see this. And I say, Santa Claus is not real. He's a bad girl too. So Peter is dead. Every turn you have normal, he will continue to do stuff. Do I have to keep giving him stuff in order for him to do stuff?

Now that you've said so, yes. Now it's the mayor's turn along with the doodlerized people. So the remaining five doodlerized people, the mayor goes, that won't do, that won't do at all. That won't do at all. Oh, oh.

And she leans over and picks up her face, her melted face, and sort of tries to plaster back onto her face, but it's so hot from the heat of the dark energy that it just kind of like melts back in,

misshapen. Oh, been there, girlfriend. When the foundation just won't stay on. It's like when you, like, have a slice of pizza and the cheese falls off. Yes, exactly.

She's trying to put the cheese back on a slice of pizza. That's literally what I was about to say. And she goes, grab them. The first two are going to try to grab Scary. The last three are going to try to grab Link. For a reaction, I'm going to give Scary protection. So they will have disadvantage on attack roll for any target other than me within five feet. Okay, so that's three.

So they miss Scary. That's a three. Again, they miss Scary. So now they're going to try to grab you these three fellas so the first one got a 12 he misses you second one got a 16 he grabs onto you and the third one got a two so all of them dog pile onto you and only one of them manages to get his arms around your shoulders and sort of pin them to your sides is that grappled or do they have to roll something for a grapple or can i attack you're gonna have to roll something to break free of what they do before. But at the beginning of your turn, rather at the end, I want to go full grapple because that feels unfair. Okay.

Now it is your turn, Link. I could attack if I get out of this. Yes. Okay. What did I roll to get out of this? Roll dexterity. 18. You easily flex your fucking shoulders and this guy bounces off like he was just barely

hanging on. Even though Link's tall, he's very skinny. He's a noodle. So he just kind of like slips like through and kind of like, yeah, drops to the ground. And then he's going to fucking do a scissor kick into the mayor's head. Okay. And I'm going to use Divine Smite. Improved.

Improved Divine Smite since I've improved it. Same great flavor. So here we go. Ooh, I got one third level spell slot. So that's going to be two extra. So that's 4d8, 5d8, and then Improved Smite. Whenever you hit with a melee attack, the target so that's 4d8 5d8 and then improved smite whenever you hit with a melee attack the target takes an extra 1d8 of radiant damage so that's going to be a 1d8 and

then 5d8 of radiant damage jesus okay uh 22 yeah that definitely hits so go ahead and roll your 68 now it's three non-radiant and then radiant damage i'm gonna do 22 so 25 overall to the mayor i'm not supposed to tell you this but she's definitely bloodied. Cool. You can tell that she is more than halfway to death as you manage to pop one of her eyeballs in her skull. And Link gets to do an extra attack. You can attack twice instead of once when you attack. Okay. So I'm gonna

I'm just gonna then land and go, huh. No, no. He tried to do the Taylor thing, but it sounded more like Goofy. The thrill of the hunt. There's only one thing that boss kicks needs.

Do another attack. Save me. Not even a hunt. You're kicking someone. 31. You rolled a 31? Yeah, can't run away from me, little rabbit. What?

Your two hit was a 31? Holy shit. Yeah, my second one was a 31. Okay, so yeah, roll damage again. Oh, sorry. That was my damage. Let me roll DC. Oh shit, my hit DC was only a 9. I do 31 damage to the table next to you. Yeah, you'll obliterate that fucking table. Next time, that'll be you.

You hunted that table to death. The contractor's like, oh, God. Save me. Okay. Now it is Hermes' turn. He is going to maintain his cover as a normal teenage boy that nobody is looking for. And he's going to search about the room for maybe who you're looking for. So I'm going to roll a D6.

And depending on what number he gets, he's going to go to that. I thought we were looking for Heaven. We're looking for Ron, dude. Yeah, you're looking for Ron. Four. We're all looking for Ron. I thought Ron was in heaven. He did the text in heaven, but he sent it down here. One, two, three. Wow. Okay. So, very first turn,

he goes, uh, guys, I found something. Thanks. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow.

Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. What did he find? He's currently near the entrepreneur desk. Checks out. Yeah, it was spelled like O-N-T-R-A-P-R-A space newer, N-E-W-E-R. It took him six seconds to find the person and then say that thing. Now it's Agent Schmegen and the CIA's turn.

Agent Schmegen and the CIA are going to pull out their guns and put them on Taylor. And they say, down on the ground, down on the ground, Taylor. Use the death of his son against him. What were they pointing at? Pointing at you. You mean that garbage can over there? It takes a minute to become a garbage can. No, it doesn't, Matthew.

You went up to them and said, hey, what's this samurai stuff about? You're going to have to roll absurdly well if you just turn back into a garbage can right in front of them. I was in what appeared to be a garbage can outfit. My head was sticking out, and my arms were sticking out, and my legs were sticking out.

You didn't roll away. I was pretty well blown if you went up to them in a garbage can. Let me ask you this question. If not this, what would be a situation in which he would be able to see you? Let me ask. No, no, hold on. A situation where. Don't answer the question with a question. A situation where three traps got sprung at the exact same time and the chaos caused a kerfluffle of confusion.

But they're looking straight at you. You're the trap. The whole purpose of the trap. Yeah, you're the trap. You just bring a trap on them. Okay, but here's the thing it's not like when five guys come out and start kicking my ass i go gotcha okay anthony hear me out though hear me out they see a garbage can what they thought was taylor but taylor has rolled out of it i want to

execute a stealth check because roll stealth with disadvantage here's the thing though check this shit you don't get your plus check this shit out man. I get a free use of etherealness. Okay. Etherealness, which is a failed Rob Dyrdek show. All those Dyrdek heads out there. Man. R.I.P. You step into the border regions of the ethereal plane. The borderlands, if you will.

The borderlands, too. You remain in the second borderlands for the duration or until I use my action to dismiss the spell. In this time, I can move around. So my thought is this. They see me. The trap is sprung. And I go, ha!

And I jump up and I suck my legs and my arms in and my head in. So the garbage can goes, and just stops there. Meanwhile, while inside the garbage can, I have cast etherealness, which allows me to move between planes. So they think I'm still in the garbage can. But instead, Anthony, I'm still in the garbage can, but instead Anthony, I'm naked in another garbage can. Alright, you still have to roll spell for that. We got him. We chased him into

that hall of garbage cans. I'm getting rid of your disadvantage. He just disappeared in the garbage can he's in, but he disappeared. 11 plus 5, 16. God damn it. Taylor's like, death is nothing. I have only slipped into the next garbage can he's in but he's disappeared 11 plus 5 16 god damn it okay yeah you mean like death is nothing i have only slipped into the next garbage can here's what i roll perspective uh perspective can i roll perception to see perspective to realize how stupid what we're doing roll perception since we know how taylor works and you know we're really you know ever

since i do you know how taylor works i mean ever since me and him have been foot buddies, we kind of have got synchronization. I just want to roll perception to see if I can see which trash can he warped into. Yeah, sure. Go for it. There's a rattle a little bit. Ooh, that's a 19 perception. Wow, so you definitely see that he went into another trash can. Here's how you know.

Smart kid. Oh, God. If I hear hit one more time, I'm going to die. You see? You can hide from them, but you can't hide from the hunter. Well, guys, it's been fun, but I think this is the end of the journey for me.

What a fucking shame. You see that? You look over at the row of garbage cans, because there's always a row of garbage cans in these, and then there's one of them. You hear this. You know what you see, Matt? You look over at the row of garbage cans, because there's always a row of garbage cans in these, and then there's one of them. You hear this. You hear, yeah, and a retainer pops out. I just nod at it.

And you sense it. You know what's really, like, the way, like, kids this age will just be like, this is my whole new personality now, and, like, the drop of a dime, like, that actually kind of makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so Schmagan and those guys are going to see the garbage can move, and they're going to blast

the first garbage can that doesn't have you in it to shreds. Oh, shit. So they weren't going to kill you. Yeah, they fucking lay waste to it and they waste their entire turn blasting that garbage can apart and then seeing that you're not in there. They're like, what? Wait, they see bread oozing out, but then it's just ketchup. It's just ketchup.

I look at Taylor and I say, don't worry. He's not in there. Just in case you guys were worried because neither of you reacted to the trash can being shot. Taylor, no! Yeah, out of my three, three, quote, unquote, friends. It's not my turn yet. I'm not going to react until my turn. I'm holding my acting turn until my turn.

It's the cast of Family Guy's turn. I need to remember what Link sounds like because now I'm just imagining him as this hunter. That's his new voice. I remember. That's his new voice, man. I don't know who Link is anymore. I've fallen too far into this.

So Cleveland is going to attack Scary Marlo and go, don't, now don't you worry about a thing. This won't hurt a bit. And he's going to grab you and try to snap your neck. He rolled an eight. What's your AC? 12. So don't even worry about that.

Yeah. So you managed to dexterously avoid his animated hands as they attempt to wrap themselves around your, your skull. As a woman, I'm used to dexterously avoiding animated hands. Jesus Christ.

All right. Now a couple of them are going to see another eight others. What do I do with these eight others? One of the straight bullets from the CIA guys is going to bounce off and hit Joe. I thought you were going to say JFK. It's going to hit Joe in the head. He's going to go.

He's played by Patrick Warburton. And he's going to go get him. And so now the family guy cast is at war with the CIA. So that's a mess. As they have always been from the beginning. American dad must be so conflicted. Yeah. Yeah, American dad works for the government.

Anthony, American dad works for the government. Give me a second. Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. American dad, he works for the CIA. Yeah. So what is American dad going to do, Anthony? Well, the first thing you need to know is that everybody misses their attacks

except for Lois who goes, no, Peter! And jumps and leaps onto one of the CIA agents and starts clawing his fucking face off. Say no, Peter, before doing that. She's in love. Then Quagmire goes, oh, no! And then jumps onto another CIA agent

and starts bashing him to death with his chin. Oh, God. And then the rooster just wordlessly runs up, starts to have a really long... The chicken? The chicken, yeah, thank you. Starts to have a protracted fight scene with one of the CIA guys. God damn, that's funny.

Hell yeah. We should focus the rest of the episode on that. Yeah, I should just spend the next 20 minutes describing it. The dad from American Dad goes, Which one do I shoot? Pointing his gun at the CIA guys. And then Stewie. His strength and say that Anthony has like every Seth MacFarlane voice.

Honestly, you knowing all these voices is more embarrassing than anything you've ever revealed. Anything you've ever revealed on this podcast. Fucking insane. So he's going to hold his turn in complete nervousness about not knowing what to do with his loyalty so divided. Taylor, it is now your turn. Okay, so I'm in the trash can.

I thought it was already Taylor's turn. That was a reaction, apparently. You get one shitty thing to do and that's it. We're moving on. Wait, that was your reaction? To them fucking shooting him. Oh, I see. So he teleported for his reaction. Yeah. Aetherialist is a bonus action Wait, that was your reaction? To them fucking shooting him. Oh, I see. I was like, okay. So he teleported for his reaction.

Yeah. Aetherialist is a bonus action, according to the thing. Okay, then do a regular action. I'll just do a regular action to sort of balance it out. Give me the lay of the land here. Who's in the most trouble? I would say that currently Link and Scarier are about to get... Yeah, the mayor's not in a great spot. Link and Scarier are about to get grabbed by a bunch of doodlerized people.

Oh, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go... And I'm going to tip the trash can over and I'm going to roll barrel roll style into these bowling pins. You're saying there's 10 of them? Coincidentally, there are also 10 pins on the bowling pins. There's only five of them because Scary killed five of them. Well, then I guess I'll try and pick up this spare.

All right, go ahead and roll acrobatics or athletics. Roll. 14 plus 1, 15. Okay, so you managed to knock them prone, and they're each going to take 2d10 of damage. And a wild bowling animation shows. So I got all five of them. Yeah, you managed to get all five of them in that roll.

They get knocked prone. Straight up. Since this is a spare and a spare is a slash, the bowling animation is just a video of Slash being like, hey, good job on that. Hey, it's me, Slash from Guns N' Roses. Pretty good.

Okay, so they're knocked down. You get a spare. If I was a billionaire, I would have a bowling alley and every time he did a spare, it would be a clip from a two-day-long shoot session with Slash.

If you were a billionaire, it would just be Slash. He would be there on fucking on the stage waiting for somebody to get a spare in real life and come out and go, hey, man, great spare.

That's pretty good. Now it is dude's turn. So dude is going to turn and he's going to grab one of the dude, the rise people and go bad girl time. And he's going to roll. So he gets an eight, which means he's going to stick his thumbs into their eyeballs and he's going to try to crack them open like an egg,

but it's not quite going to happen. He's going to go stupid. It's thumbs are all stuck. And he's going to roll again because he has advantage because he's a god. And he somehow still manages to not crack the doodler eyes thing open like an egg. I guess it's got something to do with the fact that it's partially a thing that he created, almost his child in a way. Good save. Good save, DM.

Yeah. So he's got one grappled, essentially, and blinded on his turn. Should we do anything about our parents? Yeah, if you want to go back and do really quickly each of your parents. So Scary doesn't have one. Normal.

No, Scary's got Lark. Scary's got Lark. Do you want Lark to do anything? No. All right, Normal, do you want Scary to do anything? Stop! Dad, help!

They should all just fight the family guy people and just kill them so we don't have to hear them anymore. Can they do that? Can the three dads all fight the family guy people? Sure kill them so we don't have to hear them anymore the three dads all fight the family that sounds fine okay with you well you got two dads can they just fight the family guy people nick is gonna be the one in the chicken fight and we'll cut back to that okay that's great you know can't wait to see where that one goes probably outside somewhere yeah probably goes outside. They might land on a train. Down a mountain. Okay, so yeah, the dads fight.

Brian sees them coming and goes, I can't do a Brian voice. That's the one I can't do. Brian? Isn't Brian just a deep, normal voice? Oh, no, sorry. Brian's the dog, right? I was thinking of the Seth Green character.

I can't remember his son. Chris, yeah, I can't do Chris's voice. Yeah, Brian is like, oh, dear. I'm Seth MacFarlane. I think I'm really cool. Good thing I didn't get on that plane that one time. Yeah, that's what he says.

And then your dad's That's the one! That's the one! That's the one! Your dad's all attack the family guy characters. And frankly, I think that's the one. You said one per episode. That's the one. Your dads all attack the Family Guy characters. And frankly, I think that's the kind of joke that he would appreciate. So now we're back up to the top of initiative, and it's Gary's turn. With the other tables that are set out for career day, what's the table that's nearest to me?

The table that's nearest to you is the one that you went up to, which was sports athlete. Sports. Go to the soldier table. That's the one that's one of the trap dude the soldier table i'm gonna go to the sports table and i'm like oh it's cool that they let high schoolers do archery and i'm gonna get a bow and arrow off of the table all right considering that the athlete table was a trap go ahead and roll investigation to see if you can find a bow and arrow. 11.

Okay, so with 11 you find a bow but no arrow. Just like that Alanis Morissette song. It's okay. Fucking Katniss can just use

just a bow. You just whack them like a staff. I try to strangle the two people nearest to me with the string of the bow.

Oh, that's fun. Give me an attack roll. Okay. Can I just say that in movies always at some point the character takes the bow in both hands and swings like a baseball bat to hit someone i always i'm like nah don't buy it little piece of flimsy wood ain't gonna work

hate it legolas did it fucking hated it katniss did it fucking hated it at our live show for he's gonna wear high heels i'm gonna hit him with a bow and we can just start testing all the things he said i got 13 okay so with yes, they are now grappled by you and are not in a position to do much of anything, and you are strangling them, and it looks pretty cool. Nice. Now it is Norma's turn. What's Santa Claus up to?

Santa Claus just bursts through Peter like he's sloughing off a skin suit, because he is, and now he's looking around for somebody else to kill. But he holds out his hand and rubs his first two fingers together as if to say, payment. Oh, yeah, here's your gum. And I throw him the gum. He goes,

nice, nice. Thank you. That's all I got. You can go no more. I feel bad about bringing you here. I was trying to like set a positive example for my friend. And like,

honestly, you're kind of scaring me. So I think maybe you want to leave. I thought we had a moment. Did we? I thought we were having a real connection here about murdering people. Oh, well,

no, I think you should go. Fine, fuck off. And he disappears. We're not going to get any gifts this year, dude. Yeah, no, I saw normal kissing Santa Claus. I turned to, and I'm like, you see, dude, some people you don't want to, and I guess Tudor's gone because he's over with Scary doing whatever Scary's doing and trying to murder someone.

Oh, hell. Oh, you know what? I'm going to cast about to what Hermie saw. I heard Hermie, right? You don't even have to roll for that. Okay, all right. So I'm going to go head over to Hermie to see what Hermie found. Okay.

Am I being attacked or anything like that right now? I think right now everybody's busy fighting each other because you specifically were going to get attacked by the scam people and the scam people are now fighting the CIA. So I think you're okay walking over there. So you managed to dodge the fights that are happening. The chicken and Nick

like fight and fly over you like an anime fight and you managed to get to where Hermie is. Hermie points towards the table that says entrepreneur on it all misspelled and weird

and there you see a small balding man with a mustache, gray hair who turns to look at you. He actually turns to look at camera and says, yep, that's me, Ron Ston stampler i bet you're wondering how i got in this crazy situation and then like in that simpsons

joke we pull out and reveal that the camera was normal and the normal yeah i am you're ron stampler oh what a cool cinematography trick yeah there you go oh my gosh you're ron you're the guy who sent us the text message? It's me. Okay. Ron Stampler. If you want to hear all about my adventure, you can go back to season one. Anyways, I bet you're also- Her name says spring?

I bet you're also wondering why I stood here this entire time and didn't help you out with this combat. Yeah. I'll explain later. There's no time now. All right. Yeah, well, it's nice to meet you mr stampler um there's a lot of violence going on i would love to get out of here you're from heaven right did you come from heaven are you alive are you dead can you take us maybe to heaven so we can get out of this fight where it seems like we're a little overwhelmed here i'm a little overwhelmed personally. I don't know. Who called this meeting? Go to the spin email. Ron is distracted during this monologue

from... Ron doesn't care. Get his ass. Damn. Get him. Ron's on his phone. Ron's on his phone. No. No, Ron just looks at dude behind everybody and kind of narrows his eyes and then whistles. Not like in a song sort of way, like in like kind of narrows his eyes and then whistles.

Not like in a song sort of way, like in a kind of like, in a really sexy way. And from seemingly out of nowhere, but really it's like the double doors into the cafeteria. There's a giant falcor like dog that

flies in majestically. And then Ron's like, hey, Rogue, could you help us out? And the dog kills all the bad guys. Let me roll for the dog real quick. Wait, what item is that? Oh, that's just, you know. Oh, my God. I literally rolled a natural 20 for the dog.

I'm not joking. Holy shit. So yeah, Rogue, with the exception of baby Stewie, who escapes because he needs to be in the timeline in the past. Rogue's face. Wait, Stewie's the baby? Yeah. Wait, what?

Like the original baby? Fuck off. Yeah, wait, what? What did you think Stewie was? I mean, I knew Stewie was a baby. I didn't realize it was a baby from episode two. I think I explicitly said it was the season one baby. I don't listen to Anthony, though.

I only listen to Beth. Because he believes women. What a horrible mistake. I thought for a second Matt was like, Stewie's the baby and family guy? I thought he was a 40-year-old small man. No, like episode two or one, wherever we met the baby. Yeah, you pissed off Stewie so much in the family guy that he unstuck himself from time to harass you in all different parts of the timeline. I love it. So yeah, Stewie so much in the family guy that he unstuck himself from time to harass you

in all different parts of the timeline. He escapes. DM, can you describe how he escapes? He goes, oh dear, looks like it's time to escape to one of my sexy parties. He puts on a little captain hat and a captain suit and then runs away like a Benny Hill theme where the frame rate's all weird. He's like, off screen.

He's followed by a bunch of hot women who are doing the conga line behind him. It's a very specific family guy reference. I'm so glad he's followed by a bunch of like hot women who like are doing the conga line behind him it's a very specific family guy reference I'm so glad he's gone and then Rogue kills everyone else so I was gonna ask what do you want Rogue

to do you have a natural 20 so whatever you want Rogue to do he can do keep in mind also that Agent Schmeggin is here a lot of the doodlerized people you don't know

if you can cure them yet and there are other CIA agents here as well like how would you like this to go down okay so first rogue dons a lab coat and does tests to see whether or not the doodler eyes people can be undue jesus christ all right and he puts on glasses oh my god does he adjust them with his wing? No, with his little paw. Alright, I'll roll. Does he have wings?

Wait. No, he doesn't have wings. He just flies because he can. So he only rolled a five, so unfortunately he's like that dog from the meme that's like, I have no idea what I'm doing. He's dressed like a lab assistant. Almost exactly what you described. He's a lab assistant. But yeah, he rolled a five, so he's... Or does he pretend he knows?

He goes, like all scientists. Like all fucking climate change scientists. Roke does his own research. I painted my entire house with aerosol spray cans. He did a roll for his own research. So Ron turns to the group. He's like, that means he's pretty sure he knows but between you and me

but between you and me he's not always reliable I mean you're pawesome rogue like awesome but with a paw

so keep going buddy he leaves those people alone for a second and then flies around to who are the remaining family guy bad guys I think Cleveland He leaves those people alone for a second and then flies around to, who are the remaining family guy bad guys? I think Cleveland. Just some of them, Beth.

Don't make Anthony say their names. Just give like an idea. I believe American dad is still around. I believe the chicken is still around. Surely that's enough. For American dad guy, Rogue does like a fucking like matador and like holds up the American flag like come on come on and he makes him fly out a window like he pulls out you just respect the flag andy that's really good too dude i know there's so many other parts of my life i wish i was as good at as i am at family guy impressions rogue eats cleveland's oh no and then

the american dad guy is holding out a flag as like a red thing for the bull. Yeah. But Rogue is just the right amount of patriotic. Just? All right, listen. We owe some of those dogs. There is a correct amount. There's some of those dogs a little too much.

Don't ask where Snoopy was on January 6th. He eats both the American dad and the flag. Disrespecting both. Disrespecting both. Disrespecting both equally. The mayor people. Yeah, Rogue kills the mayor. I'm only letting you do that because the mayor

was already pretty low on health. Describe, describe, describe. What a good little puppy. There, puppy. Rogue sits down and gives her puppy dog eyes and goes like. And Mare's like, you would be such a good part of my little army for really and for the doodler. And he like tilts his head.

Oh, no. Oh, he's so beautiful. May I pet your dog? May I pet the dog? Oh, please do. Oh, okay. Here we go. Here comes the pet.

And he bites her arm off. Oh, no. Black bile spews from the wound. Rogue starts lapping it up and becomes more and more powerful. This is what I'm doing. What am I doing? His soulful brown eyes turn red. The more you do this, the more likely it is I'm going to have somebody kill him later.

Yeah, careful, Beth. You're sowing the seeds of your own destruction. Careful, you might like sowing beth but wait till the reaping comes shit maybe the mayor possesses rogue we don't know it no that doesn't happen and then ron appears suddenly behind the mayor because he's so sneaky and then punches her head off what does he say he says did you see i punches her head off. What does he say? He says, did you see that? I just punched that lady's head off. He says that before he punches her head off.

Yep. Yeah, she goes, what? And turns around and watches him punch her head off. But the doodlerized people are closing in and Ron doesn't know morally where he stands with that. So he's like, we need to get out of here. Hop on. And Ron does a back handspring into a backflip and then lands on Rogue.

Rogue is really long, by the way. It's like just a long- Long enough for six to seven people. Yeah, definitely. Yes, and so he's like, don't worry, he's friendly. I don't believe in leashes. Hermione does a hood slide across the nose of Rogue and then climbs up.

Shit. Leaps onto Rogue's butt like the Pikmin that climb onto Ochi and just hangs on. Normal is likewise going to frantically sprint and cling onto the underside of this dog's fur like Harrison Ford clinging to the helicopter skid at the end of clearing present nature and there's a come on let's go let's get out of here i'm gonna roll in the garbage can towards that direction and i guess does the dog paw away stuff if he rolls at them he probably paws at it like playfully kind of like a cat would

and what happens you probably get shaken out of it i guess unless you want to try to stay in with an acrobatics roll this trash can's really doing some work for me. I mean, we're about to leave. I know, but you can bring your items with you, Matt. I want to retain the trash can. There's two handles. Aren't you guys going to help? No, no, no. Get on the dog.

Wherever we go, there's probably going to be a trash can, buddy. I'm sure they have trash cans in heaven. I don't know why they'd have garbage in heaven, but maybe they do. No, it's all recycling. Recycling and compost. It's like if you forget underwear when you're going on an airplane, you don't turn back to buy more underwear.

You just buy underwear wherever you go. Okay, so Taylor's hands pop out of the top of the garbage can, and he grabs onto the leg fur. The rest of his body is still in. Okay, so you're just dangling from the side still in your trash can? Well, I'll pull myself up. Don't worry, baby. Okay.

Ron reaches his hand out to Scary, and Scary's like, Okay, so you're just dangling from a side stone in your trash can? Well, I'll pull myself up. Don't worry, baby. Okay. Ron reaches his hand out to Scary, and Scary's like, man, you sure this dog's friendly? And Ron gives her a wink. Of course, he hasn't killed that many people. Hi, I'm Ron. I'm in a band. I'm also your step-grandfather. Ron helps Scary up, and Scary's sitting right next to Ron, eyeing him suspiciously.

Okay. Ron is like, where's the doodler thing? We need to get them up on YouTube. It's really important. I reach my hand out for dude. Up here. I'm going to hold your hand now. He reaches out and holds Link's hand. Okay. I pull him up and then just grab onto the dog's fur. This dog is soft. Yeah, it's soft. I love

this dog. Welcome aboard, dude. I'm something of a cool dude myself. Okay, so the CIA who are still alive pull their guns and say, get out on the ground. Sit. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. They're trying to get the dog to stay there. So what do you do? Rogue, you don't have to listen to them.

We've gotten through worse than this, buddy. Alright, just and then Ron tries to whistle. All right, roll animal handling. Yeah. I hold up the American flag as a shield, knowing that the CIA would never shoot through the American flag.

Ron got an 11. All right, so with an 11, that's enough to get Rogue to listen to you. But just barely. Just barely. But just barely. You can see the Rogue is about to sit. Its butt is beginning to lower

at the commands of Agent Schmeggin and the CIA. But then you say, get out of here. Oh, it's like, you know how like those cop dogs like only speak German? Yeah. Like rogue only speaks some made up language. The dogs don't speak German. The dogs don't speak German. You are correct.

They're dogs. They hear German. It's like the Millennium Falcon lifting off with the stormtrooper shooting yes exactly like that bullets are flying they're impacting against rogue's coat but rogue's coat is a little bit too tough and they're bouncing off and do i get hit i'm hanging off the back of that you're wearing a trash can so even if you did get hit it would just ping off of it because it's a good sesame street style metal trash can i think it's going through you know it says to me where they block bullets sesame street the reboot on max they say think it's going through that. You know, it's Sesame Street where they block bullets.

Sesame Street, the reboot on Max. Yeah, it's a clean up the streets kind of movie, you know? It's like Rumble in the Bronx, but Big Bird does Kung Fu. What are you talking about?

Give Elmo Max an AK-47. Elmo deserves a right to protect his family. Elmo, Elmo says that not in my house, motherfucker. Have you heard of castle doctrine?

Not in Elmo's house. Cassie, Elmo says castle doctrine. If you come to Elmo's house, he can legally murder you with no... Even if you're running away. Okay, so the dog lifts off and goes up and up and up and up and up. And up and And up. And you get. And he's like.

Link and dude are trying to like climb to the back. So we're not like hang on to the planet anymore. We're like thousands. Yeah, I feel like you're on him. You don't have to worry about him. And goes above the clouds. Goes above the planet. And then somehow you feel yourself going above space,

which you did not even think was physically possible. You feel yourself go through a gray layer of fog and haze. And when you emerge, you emerge in a place that is completely white. You see a very, very, very long line of people. Mr. Stampler, I'm not ready to die. Well, everybody dies, kiddo. Are we dead now? I'm dead, yeah.

Oh. Are we dead? Did we die? Actually, nah, you're alive. I was just screwing with you. No, but this is heaven. There's heaven? Yeah.

I mean, God's not dead. Grandpa Darryl was right. God's not dead, too. Grandpa Darryl and Gran would always argue about that, but I guess. Oh, wait. Our dad's here? Oh, your dad's. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. They were in the fight, right? Yeah, they were. They're hiding in coach, which is the underside of the dice. Yeah. So at this moment, your dad's climb up from underneath the dog and join you on the top of the dog and they go what is going what is this and hey you know this guy right oh yeah you guys know ron right yeah we know ron what are you doing here ron hey kiddos we heard you died in the ocean yeah well i got this incredible opportunity to go see the wreck of the Titanic.

And then what happened? I died. Yeah, that's on me. Dumb question, Grant says. This looks like it's the entrance where there's a big line and then there's some pearly gates. And then above it are these big, massive eyes with wings all around the circumference of the eye that are just peering back and forth.

They're biblically correct angels that are just gazing over everybody. There's machine gun emplacements on the gates of heaven. Also biblically accurate. Biblically accurate mounted machine gun technicals. Sorry, we had to beef up security ever since a Catholic priest got into heaven.

What? Bitch, you're a bad piece of shit. Thanks, Matt. I can't be dead now. Are we dead if we're in heaven? We're not dead. I'm mad at my dad, but I knew I was going to like, you know, you're mad, but then you always say stuff before you die to make things better.

No, sometimes you don't get that opportunity. Sometimes you don't. Yeah, so we didn't. Grant says, yeah, you're not. We're not. It's okay. No, we're both dead now, Dad, so I can't even say the things I wanted to say before I died. Hey, you said something to me. Stop. We're not dead, though okay. No, we're both dead now, Dad, so I can't even say the things I wanted to say before I died. Hey, you said something to me.

Stop. We're not dead, though, so I don't want to talk to you. This is hard. I don't want to say what's going on. One step forward, two steps back with this kid. You're not dead. Helvin. Not Helvin.

That was silly. Heaven is just kind of another realm. You know, I got here. Wait, so there's nowhere we go after we die? Well, I got here by faking my own death, but I faked it so good that I actually died. Where do we go when we die then? Why don't you roll perception? If only it were that easy.

If only. You guys solved a lot of the problems with that roll, buddy. 15. So ahead of you in line, about 100 people up, you see about 200 trees standing in line. And atop one of them you see an old crone that you recognize

as the woman that you stole the sun from under the ground. Oh no. Trees go to heaven? They all got baptized. Well, they didn't happen in our show.

They happened off screen. There's a rich tapestry of things that happen off screen. So Erin O'Neill turns around and sees you and narrows her eyes and squints with irritation

and she taps the tree and the tree starts walking over to you and narrows her eyes and squints with irritation and she taps the tree and the tree starts walking over to you and then sort of bends over so she can look you guys in the eye and she goes so what are you doing here did you finally die see we're dead scary takes ron aside is there like a place there that is like more private yeah you can walk to the private cloud that's on the side yes the private cloud there's all these little clouds there's people having really difficult conversations before scary can say anything ron is like terry jr told me so much about you and how good you are at fencing and scary's like um i don't i don't do fend i play soccer and ron's like oh offense offense yes um apparently you're a big star so thank you for that and Scary's like I I have something um this is so hard Anthony I don't know how you do this um

Scary's like I have something to tell you about your son your step I guess. And Ron's like, yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry for your loss, Gary. Gary says, well, I mean, it's not really my loss, so I'm sorry for your loss. I mean, it's not my loss. And Ron says, well, in that case, I'm sorry you don't realize that it is your loss. Wow.

I came to earth. Oh yeah. I guess I should say this in front of everybody so we could walk back to everybody. But I came to earth when I realized that the Terry Jr. Well, he, he died,

but he wasn't here. And, um, he's such a good boy. He went to hell. Oh, sorry. Link,

what the hell? Holy shit, sorry. Link, what the hell, Link? Holy shit, dog. What the fuck? You said that out loud, buddy. I was like, you know. Yeah. Okay. Hey, sorry.

I didn't mean to listen in. Well, speaking of dads, I guess, I brought you all here because of them. And Ron's pointing at dude. Me? What did I do? Oh, nothing wrong or anything. because of them and Ron's pointing at dude. Me? What did I do? Oh, nothing wrong or anything. It's just, I got to find some place to hide you, buddy.

Yeah, you all wanted to hide me somewhere, right? Yeah, there's no way my dad's getting up here. I mean, I don't think. Oh yeah, I guess if I was in heaven and if Willie can't get to heaven, then that's where I could stay away from him. Yeah. Don't want you to get in the wrong hands, my dude. And see, dude, only good people can get into heaven, I think.

Right. So, like, that means you're good. Well, yeah, we're trying to. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I'm sure you can find fun stuff here. As you all are talking, dude goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh oh what's up dude dude doubles over and their body starts to glitch out their top half and bottom half separate for a second and they come

back together in a frame later and then their eyes get really really big and really really small glitchy and they're staticking out in front of you and dude i don't feel dude what's up can i roll something like a arcana investigation, aren't you supposed to do something? You're supposed to be good. Angels, hello. We got a man down here, angels. And they just make the motion from angels in the outfield and they don't actually do anything.

Yeah. Oh, this looks bad. It looks bad. Let me roll Arcana. I'm something of a knowledgeable man. I got an 11. Okay. Oh, wait, an 11 plus seven, bitch.

Oh, wow, okay. Bitch! And then I go to hell. So with an 18, you can tell Ron that the doodler's physical form is beginning to degrade. You're not meant to have that much emotion and fear and love and confusion in a package that small because remember you saw the entire sky

basically go into scary and then get vomited out in the form of the doodler and that given enough time they are going to completely degrade and potentially when that happens something very bad could happen to the world because that's a lot of power being released very suddenly like a ticking bomb yeah kind of like a bomb kind of like a ticking clock oh no that would lead to an explosion ron conveys all this in a really great great way fantastic thanks ron thanks really concise this ron guy can fucking spin a tale huh dude just all your crazy feelings just stuff them deep down that's what i do it helps it really helps just okay you just gotta find the right song and then

just keep looping that listening to that and just stay in your room and it's like that's all you need to do okay or you binge through many many seasons of an anime you've already seen. Or you make a custom soccer team in FIFA and then name it after all the friends you wish you had and then make yourself the star player. And you don't even need to play the games. You can just like sit around on the side of the field and just talk.

Or you punch a hole in the drywall and blame it on your stepdad's plan. Oh yeah, do all those things. And then write about this in a hand-dude, a moleskine journal. Hemingway used one, and so did Picasso. Lark and Sparrow and Grant look at each other like, what did we...

We need to be taking a more active role in our children's lives. Yeah, no shit. Grant almost considers going for a hug and then stops himself because he didn't roll very well on stealth. He was going to stealth hug you, but... Well, so here's the best part about that

is because you open the hug, you got your arms out, but now you got your arms out, so now what? Now he has to do a shrug to make it seem like that's why his arms are out.

And he's like, what? And you don't take any responsibility. And then one of the angels is like, no imitating Christ! That's the one rule.

The one rule. You can see this bad impression comic. And then I was like, drink up my blood. Oh, shit. He went straight to hell. So Aaron goes, oh, yeah, it looks like he's going to degrade and probably explode. That seems like a you problem.

Seems like an us problem. Okay, what do we do? What do we do? You're in here too, lady. Oh, God. Even after death, I can't be saved from having to help you. Ding dongs. You ninnies figure out very basic information. That's a lot of creature to be put into one little box.

So I think if you don't send that thing back to its home dimension, it's going to go boom. Okay. How big of a boat? How big of a boat? I thought it was like always here. Universe ending. Where's your home?

Aren't you like God's dude? Dude, where are you from bro? Um, I remember a box in tennessee and then i remember coming out of a guy in san dimas okay and that's kind of it beforehand there was just a lot of like black chaos okay so maybe i'm from that can we send them to the black chaos how do we do that yeah black chaos dimension. Let's do that. Black chaos dimension.

Aaron goes, that's not going to be specific enough. You need coordinates. You need all kinds of information. It should be. God. Yes. Whoa. Yeah.

Hey. Stop. Hi. Hello. Are you? Where is this guy from? I got so many questions. Are you just one of you?

Aaron goes, Jerry, stop it. Jerry goes, okay. That wasn't God? Is Jerry the God of our universe? Is Jerry God? No, Jerry's just a guy who likes to stand in line

and make people think that he's God. Jerry, come on. I do it to everybody who shows up. It kills. Because he's a big white guy with a big old bushy beard. I figured I would just lean into it. I'm really tall. I got a big white beard.

I felt like... All right, get out of here, Jerry. All right. I'll go back to Earth and be Santa again. Jerry would probably get into heaven if he stopped impersonating God, huh? That's why they keep kicking him into the back line. Yeah, that's what it is. The false idols. Poor Jerry just can't help himself.

They went back and put that in the Ten Commandments just because of Jerry. Jerry's been around for thousands of years. It's the same bit every time. He never gets old. That's me in the Sistine Chapel painting. Yeah, they modeled the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, I posted that one. Oh, Jerry.

All right. Anyway, how do we find out where they're from? What do we do? Well, it's going to take a lot of power to do that because they're not from hell. They're not from the goof realm. They're not from Earth and they're not from heaven. So they're from some outside planes, one of the chaotic planes. So in order to do that, you need an awful lot of what we call daddy magic.

What? Oh, well, how's daddy magic going to help? Basically, I could make you a potion for a price that would allow you to give it to them. They could drink it and then they would unlock some old memories of where they're initially from and they could sort of try their dad yeah i suppose so if they have a dad do you have a dad you don't know i don't know okay well all right so you have like a career i mean daddy magic isn't like that's what you call it but it's just like creator magic what like that's me dads yes so why does a doula doesn't have a dad? I mean, everything has a progenitor. A creator.

Okay, so like I said, like, yeah. I just like calling it daddy magic. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I was saying, like, Yes, a creator, yes. Okay, okay. But yeah, daddy magic

is definitely, like, a catcher. How do we make this potion? I know a couple of social media creators. You have to find powerful moments, powerful memories

between fathers and their children. And you can take some of the daddy magic from those moments, powerful memories between fathers and their children. And you can take some of the daddy magic from those moments, from those memories, and then store it in like a jug.

Okay. Like a milk jug or whatever you want. And then once you got enough of that, I can make the potion. Dad, give me a memory. Sparrow goes,

well, it's got to be a memory that's important to both of us. So I guess what about the time that I first let you try pizza when your mom, no, it's not be a memory that's important to both of us. So I guess, what about the time that I first let you try pizza when you're not, no, it's not very good.

What about, what about, what about the time you said you were not proud of me? I remember that. That was a big memory for me. Why don't we put that one in here? If I put it in there, will I not remember it anymore?

Cause the memories in there, do they have to be happy memories? Cause that'd be kind of happy memory. I mean, it wasn't, I didn't really feel that way anyway about it. That's why I was wondering. They don't, they don't have to be happy memories because that was a happy memory i mean feel that way anyway about it that's why i was wondering they don't they don't have to be happy now okay so like cool goth dark memories can make it into the pot here a jug i got one right here oh no that's a trash can i want my memories in trash and he goes well yes i had a little i pick it up

i put my lips over it and i go i, I remember me and Margo played FIFA. And I remember when I got the newest FIFA and me and Margo played FIFA a lot. And then, oh, oh, there's this one time where Grant was going to be home really late. And I said, it's past my bedtime, but can I still play FIFA with you, dad? And Margo said, yeah, we played FIFA really late. And I woke up and Grant, he was still playing FIFA because he's trying to get to the end of the tournament. And you guys go. And I hold the bottle up to you.

As you say this stuff into the bottle that Aaron O'Neill has presented to you, you feel yourself going into your own memory. Your consciousness goes to that memory. You can remember yourself playing FIFA with Marco. You can remember the look on- It's that vivid, huh? It's very, very vivid.

You feel like you're reliving it again for the first time. And once you go to bed in the memory you wake back up in your own body and a little bit of this rainbow colored liquid has leaked out of your eyes and into the bottle but it only fills it up like a couple millimeters okay is that it well there's no okay there's a new fifa every year oh yeah yeah and it's okay if i it's okay if i just do memories with one dad right like i'm cyanide grant grant's like jesus i told you we're just like we're just professional friends now colleagues or work colleagues yes two grown adults there's no

work colleague magic is there aaron no that's not a thing oh that's a shame well but oh guys i feel like we have work colleague magic oh we only have it because we don't have an HR department. That's there to protect Freddie. So Aaron O'Neill says, like, there's only so much daddy magic you can give up per person, so that's all you're going to get from that kid. That's all the magic I have? Yeah, I mean, you got a lot of nice memories, but that's all the magic you have yeah i mean you got a lot of nice memories but that's all the magic okay let me think of one with

you know the other person okay playing fifa with grant yes remember when we played fifa together and then i passed to you and you got the winning goal over uh frederico frederico the incredibly popular soccer player in our time. Sort of the Pele of our time. I lean in. I whisper. I remember playing FIFA and I fell asleep, but I didn't really fall asleep.

I was having too hard of a time. And then Grant thought I was asleep and he put a blanket to tuck me in. And he said, I love you every day. I knew you weren't really sleeping. You're not supposed to be listening to this right sorry colleague okay yeah cool okay so yeah i remember that so again nothing happens because you already oh man a drain gotta wait 15 minutes you give up as much daddy magic as you can give per person and it's just that's your one and done so that's this is all you got i'm not a grand about this for some reason i don done. So that's as much as you can give me. This is all you got. I'm mad at Grant about this for some reason.

I don't know why that's my fault. Because it's your daddy magic. It's just because you're young. No, no, no. It's because you're young. No, no, no. Let's say it was your dad as daddy magic. I toss it to you. Okay.

Well, I remember going to the zoo with you, dad, on my fifth birthday. And we had a really good time. It was just you and me. And I felt like I didn't get to spend all that much time with you. We went to a rescue zoo with ethically put there animals that would have died out in the wild because that's who we love. It's just insects. It's just, yeah, there was like this.

We saw a squirrel and we saw some birds, but they were just in a tree and they flew by. But it was really nice. We went to the park and I told you it was a zoo. Because your friends at school told you how fun zoos were, but I was really nice. We went to the park and I told you it was a zoo because your friends at school told you how fun zoos were, but I was morally opposed to them. Grandpa Henry always said that his favorite zoo was Mother Earth because the zoo that we're all in, the important thing was it's just you and me. And it felt like we just had this really nice day together. We got

sandwiches afterwards and that was really fun and nice. And that was it. Okay. As you say that again, just like Link link you zoom back into the memory you feel like you're at the park again with your dad you're eating the sandwiches you're looking at the squirrels everything's nice everything's simple your whole life is ahead of you you don't have to pay taxes yet and again rainbow fluid comes down out of your eyes into the jar exact same amount as link it looks like a little bit more no if anything if anything it might be less because uh you got you got two dads. Although, hmm. Well, the what?

Nothing. What is well the what? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about what? You know who your dad is. I do. I do know who my dad is. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Okay. Anybody else want to add anything into this jug? All right. Well, the main thing is- It seems like there's not a lot to be extracted from us. No, because you're really, really young and you only got the daddies. You know what you would really want, hypothetically, to fill this thing all the way to the brim? Yeah.

Would be daddy magic from daddies about their daddies. Granddaddy magic, if you will. Whoa. What? Okay. So how do we... Because it's like an exponential amount of dad in the memory? It's dads all the way down.

It's dads on dads on dads. Wow. So we need some dad on dad memories is what you're telling me. It's double the amount of daddy magic. Yeah. We're too young for that. And we'll never fill this thing at this rate. Like where we can go to school and do this one drop at a time.

Dude's about to explode. If you could find your granddads wherever they are and unite them with their sons, your dads, then having both of them together would create a whole lot of daddy magic that you could then slurp up into the bottle. Oh, do we got to slurp it up? No, you don't have to drink it. Okay. I mean, dude has to drink it. Dude has to drink it. Oh, no.

It looks like a Lisa Frank cover. No, it'll taste good I'm sure, dude. Yeah. Wait. Do you know who Lisa Frank is? Everybody knows who Lisa Frank is. Is that another realm? Tell me there's a Lisa Frank realm. A dude by the shirt collars. Please, there has to be. You don't want to know. Why would I want to know?

He gets a distant look in his eyes and then you can hear in the background the screams of horns and explosions. The screams of dolphins. Dolphins, yeah. Dolphins screaming. Dolphins don't belong in space. Dolphins going,

like machine guns. No. Seems like your next goal is to find your granddads wherever the heck they are, reunite them with your dads and then collect all the daddy magic. We're already up here.

And then you can send the doodler back to where the doodler came from and then everything is solved and willie can't do nothing well grandpa daryl's dead well good thing we're next to heaven then huh oh well wait do you know if your granddad went to heaven i mean obviously he's like the coolest dude ever ron says well we have to go to hell anyway so i could see terry jr again oh yeah your dad that's where my granddad is i think so we going to make a couple trips anyway. Where's your granddad? I mean, Dad, I know you and Grandpa Henry haven't spoken in a while, but

he's still alive. Like, he's on Earth. He's back in San Dimas. Yeah. Yeah, he is. It's been a while since we talked, though. Yeah, so, well, that could be like, you know, maybe. It sounds fun. Yeah. So, hey, Angel. Wait, is that, maybe. Yeah. So hey, Angel. Wait, is that Jerry

again? Yes. So the angel comes by, zooms up next to you and blinks at you and you immediately feel like you are being watched harder than you've ever been watched. Yeah. Hey, your very thoughts, your very emotions are being analyzed by this person.

Oh, okay. Feels weird. Hey, so my granddad's in there. We just gotta, like, talk to him. So we're trying to do a good deed. You guys all like that, right? So we're just trying to, gotta go talk to my grandpa. We're not trying to take him out.

We'll bring him out. Just talk to my grandpa. As you're talking, it's slowly lowering itself towards you. Oh, cool. Hey. And we'll just talk to him, and then he just needs to talk.

And then it takes its pupil, which is just a big hole, you know? Uh-huh. And it just puts the hole over your head. Oh, oh, and now it's like entirely encircling your head It's just it's the darkest dark you've ever experienced inside the people of this thing Where am I and then it blinks and you feel like big wet? eyelashes like hits you in the back in the stomach and then it do you have us goes back up Oh, you're sobbing wet now, okay goes back up. Oh.

And you're sopping wet now. Okay. And then it flies away. Is there a man in there? Okay. Hey, Link, what did you see in there? Did you see your dad? Did you see your granddad?

I saw nothing. It was just complete darkness. They don't want people to just get in without jumping the line. Well, we don't have time to wait in this line. Dude's like a ticking, you know, B-O-M-B right now. Well, then it sounds like what you need to do is plan a heaven heist.

All our days whisked away Well, then it sounds like what you need to do is plan a heaven heist. We'll be all right. Pretty large, so we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say

Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak.

Beth May is Scary Marlow. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator.

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the Dads of Christie murder mystery mini series chock full of special guests. We put a lot of effort into stuffing that Patreon of ours full of goods for your eyes, your ears, and your soul. So have a look at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads and support us if you like our show. Our Twitter is dungeonsanddads, our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com,

our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com, our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies, and our next episode is coming at you September our show. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our website is DungeonsandDaddies.com. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. And our next episode is coming at you September 12th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Bake, steal, and borrow

Brave while we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today. No, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Can you give an example of some reasons

that you think are okay for killing lots of people? Yes, of course. I mean, I'm not the one in charge of heaven, so I can't say for sure. But in my opinion, self-defense, protective one's family, for example, trees. For example, the sun that was used to give the trees life that somebody then stole and they all died. Oh, it's boo? I'm boo for you killing all my family?