Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 42 - Spirit Hallow Peen

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

The teens sneak into heaven with an unorthodox plan.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @du...ngeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Hey, Peter. You coming to the clam tonight? Eh, I don't know, guys. You gotta come, Peter. Brown ales are due for one tonight. And so are blonde co-heads. All right. But, Peter, tonight's our anniversary, Peeta.
Starting point is 00:00:27 Ah crap, this is even worse than that time we were on Dungeons and Daddies. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Don't crack me open and eat my flesh. What's up, ladies and gentlemen? You're watching another episode of Dungeons & Daddies. You're also not watching it. You're watching it. You are, with your third eye.
Starting point is 00:00:59 We're now going to get into the top ten classes in Dungeons & Dragons. What's the season three meta? Dungeons & Daddies is not a BD set. The season two meta is going on red and being like, does season two get better? That's the season three meta? Dungeons and Daddies is not a BDSM. The season two meta is going on Reddit and being like, does season two get better? That's the season two meta. Dungeons and Daddies is not a BDSM podcast. This is a story of four teens married with themselves and with their dads,
Starting point is 00:01:16 and now it's time for them to confront the other dads in the quest to fix things. You had it like two episodes ago. I know, but things change. Yeah, this season's just wild. It keeps changing. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:01:28 Not that one. The Ranger team, who's been trying to figure out how to respec on D&D Beyond, but I couldn't figure it out. So I think next time, Taylor may be coming in with a new class. Do you have anything you're leaning towards?
Starting point is 00:01:38 You know, the two were Artificer. Wait, you're going to change your whole class? Yeah, dude. That's my right as a teenager. Can he do that? Yes, Anthony is the one who said it's okay. I gave you the permission to do it with career day. But it's not career day anymore.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Freddie missed the window as far as I'm concerned. He's in heaven, so you get to determine what you are in heaven. You get to pick what you are in heaven. That's the rule. The seven classes you meet in heaven. Oh, my God. What's the other one? Maybe rogue.
Starting point is 00:02:02 Yeah, you would, but I'm the most famous best rogue that's ever existed. So you can't do it. You're a coward. I got dibs. I got dibs. You can't do it because I got dibs. Just be Will's class. Just become a cleric.
Starting point is 00:02:13 Just be a cleric. Do it. I'm the best boy rogue ever. So you can't even trot on my stuff. I've come to claim my tits. I've come to claim my crits. Those are my crits. Those are my crits. Those are my crits.
Starting point is 00:02:27 Taylor's business. Hold on. Taylor's teen fact. Taylor's business fact. Taylor's business fact for this week. Yeah, business fact. Yeah. It's just Ron now.
Starting point is 00:02:35 You're just a business rogue. Yeah. What if I just came in as a business rogue? What if Taylor's just super into Ron's whole flavor right now? And he's just like, I'm going to be the new Ron. Listen, we'll see how this episode goes. This week's Taylor fact. Taylor, not a fan of a flying dog.
Starting point is 00:02:49 Mostly because he had put all his heart into his walking up the walls cat. And he's like, flying dog is objectively better on sort of multiple fronts. And this is not fair. So therefore, I'm making this my whole personality. This dog sucks. Hey, mister. Mr. Ron. Your dog is mid.
Starting point is 00:03:04 Your dog is mid. is mad all right hey everybody i don't know where to go from that one hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln m kicks the school in prison fucking broke free now he's a paladin with his fucking thruple quadruple spouses whatever he is he's just fucking living his life and what does he live for oh he lives for the hunt thrill the hunt is the only thing that fucking makes him get up in the morning don't talk to me till i've had my hunt so actually a business fact about lincoln is that lincoln's going through a lot and he's completely changed his entire outlook of what he wants for the rest of his life like what his future is like he's always been like i want to be a soccer player
Starting point is 00:03:42 like a soccer player yeah entire life but now he's like boss kicks doesn't play soccer boss kicks fucking own soccer teams oh no so he's like i gotta own a soccer team like that's his this is real game plans like i want so he's looking at like how do you start how do you own a soccer team and the first thing you gotta do is get really really rich and so he's realized that in order to get really really rich he's to become one of the best soccer players in the entire world so that's his game plan he's gonna be one of the best soccer players in the world it's the old i want to be a screenwriter but no one makes original screenplays so i'm gonna write a hit novel first kind of moves wait hey how many soccer players end up being on like team owners beckham is like co-owner of the team okay the miami team yeah i
Starting point is 00:04:24 mean i mean you have a really good soccer you have to be a really good soccer player to own a team, but you know, he doesn't need to own like a premier league team. He just wants to own a soccer team. Like what level will, it's not a good plan. It's more that Lincoln doesn't literally know any other way to make money. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:38 Real good. Hey everyone. I'm Will Campos, AKA the blues. No, no. Just because we'll get to say the a.k.a. The Bluesman. No, no. Just because Will gets to sit at the piano doesn't mean he gets to play. That's right.
Starting point is 00:04:48 I'm sitting at the Ivories tonight, everybody, and I know the C major dominant chord, which is a little bluesy one that sounds like this. He rearranges place, and Will is sitting behind the piano for this recording. No. No, I'm a loke. And he's a perky, pepper, chippy, cheery, school spirit mascot kid. Business fact about Normal tonight.
Starting point is 00:05:08 In honor of Ron, all business facts tonight. Normal's first foray into the world of business was also his first hobby that he's very hard in the paint for, which is selling
Starting point is 00:05:19 essential oils. No! Oh my gosh. Normal loves an essential oil. He got his first taste of them because they would do like, you know,
Starting point is 00:05:28 like, his little taste of the beauty of essential oils because they would use some of them at the vegan ice cream place that have like peppermint extract and stuff like that.
Starting point is 00:05:37 And he got really into it and, you know, he started selling them. He uses them all the time to like relieve anxiety and reduce nausea, like a little bit of essential ginger but he does he just it's way too much he really has i think maybe burned
Starting point is 00:05:51 out his sinuses and that's why he's a stinky boy because he really like they're like put one drop diluted 10x whatever and he's just like he's like using stuff huh he's like using his supply he's getting stress relief on his own supply 24-7. But if anyone needs any essential oils, hit up Normal. You know what? That might be useful. He's also working on some of his own brews. Oh, God. His own OC oils.
Starting point is 00:06:14 He's trying to find the next great oil. The next great patchouli? Yes. What's the next one? Love it. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who doesn't want to care anymore fun heaven related fact about scary is that scary never really believed
Starting point is 00:06:34 in heaven actually scary believes only in the great polytheistic religion of Rome, ancient Rome. What? The essential oils of religions. Yes, truly. Because all of the gods and goddesses were just as fucked up as she is, and they were really hot. Should I also do a Ron fact? Oh, damn. Wow.
Starting point is 00:07:00 I mean, now that you said it. Yeah. I mean, you have to now. Well, I had one leftover. You're just serving us your leftovers reheated. I know. It's bad. I also play Ron Stampler.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Who cares? Fun business fact about Ron is that Ron could never be polyamorous because he only met one girl named Polly and she wasn't very nice. God. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad.
Starting point is 00:07:32 I'm going to try to do facts about NPCs because somebody in the Teen Talk suggested that, so I'm going to try to do that. Teen Talk, which you can listen to on our Patreon. For only $5, what a deal. It's like double the content. That's a dollar an hour. Hermione and Worthy, his version of heaven would be for only five dollars what a deal it's like double content that's a dollar an hour hermenean worthy
Starting point is 00:07:45 his version of heaven would be every night he gets to perform a midsummer night's dream for an audience of one is it normal his dad oh his dad i hated his dad wow what a complex that was heavy this is heavy wait who is it a solo midsummer night's dream performance or is it one man midsummer night's. She's doing all the parts? Wow. Fucking, didn't Cher do that for... West Side Story? West Side Story.
Starting point is 00:08:10 Damn. Actually, you know what? Never mind. He just wants to do Cher's West Side Story for his dad. He wants the audience to be his dad and Cher. So when we last left you, you were in a big line outside of heaven. You've been brought there by Ron. And you realized upon watching the doodler begin to dissolve that you needed to get them back to their home dimension.
Starting point is 00:08:39 And that the only way to do that was to get a whole lot of daddy magic. And the only way to get a whole lot of daddy magic was to find the dads from season one. Daryl Wilson, Ron Stampler, Glenn Close, and the other one. Henry Oak. You're going to have to find them. Get you and your dads together and then jump into their minds and get some daddy magic. Love it. And you found that the gates guarding heaven have machine gun emplacements and flying biblically accurate angels floating around surveilling the whole place. And there seems to be somebody in front of the gates with a big old book. And what are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:09:09 How are you going to get inside? And the angels weren't very useful, if I remember. Well, they didn't help you. You asked for help. One of them went over and put your face in its pupil and then blinked on you. Okay. And got you wet. Okay.
Starting point is 00:09:19 Yeah, baby. Wait. Normal examines the goo left over on. Oh, we do. Hold on, Lincoln. I'm trying something. He's trying to extract the essential oils from it. Roll Arcana.
Starting point is 00:09:28 Arcana. That's a five. I taste it. What does it taste like? Ew. Ew. It tastes like mucus. I think that was just my mucus, bud.
Starting point is 00:09:39 That's a lot of mucus. No, I was just. What happened in there? I was scared. I was drooling in there. What that's like, but you're covered in this. Yeah, well,
Starting point is 00:09:46 the sum of it's, it's, I don't know what is mine and which is, I'm going to write this up as results. Our bodies became one. What?
Starting point is 00:09:52 Angel Bud, that's the first words you said to me. What? No, that wasn't the angel. You said our bodies became one. I was saying it in your voice.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Like, sometimes you say what somebody else is saying. You know how jokes, sometimes you're like, what if I said this? Dang, dog. Normal is going to scrape off a little bit of the angel secretion and put in a little thing later to put into a centrifuge how awful okay lincoln you seem really stressed do you want some lavender what um i've been putting it on your pillow every night
Starting point is 00:10:20 to help you sleep a little better uh but it's also good for de-stressing so uh here you go and i know that's why it hasn't helped me i'm already i'm i've what's wrong well i've been using lavender my whole life i'm just like it doesn't do nothing for me anymore i need a harder stuff can't really use lavender yeah say no more fam and i rub a little eucalyptus under your nose oh now this is the stuff you're only supposed to have this when you're sick but let's just say daddy's always sick. Your mucus is very green. Guys, eyes on the prize.
Starting point is 00:10:51 Oh, no. Beth's not here, by the way. She's here, but she's not in the room. I'm actually sick, so. It's just four boys playing D&D and a girl remoting it right now, dude. At 8.30 on a Thursday, dude. This is the most D&D we've ever gotten, dude.
Starting point is 00:11:08 I think it's Beth's dream is to not be in the room. I'm still hung up on Anthony saying that jokes are just like, what if I said a thing? Like, that really rocked me. Alright, guys, if we're going to get into heaven, we need to do some reconnaissance. Hit the deck! And I plop down onto the
Starting point is 00:11:23 cumulonimbus cloud underneath my feet, dog, and a little puff of smoke comes up. Well, I'm just gonna go ask the front gate first to see like... Observe! Observe first! Okay. I'd like to roll... I just squint my eyes. I'm just looking at the gate. Does he get a bonus for squinting his eyes? No, stupid! Fifteen perception. Fifteen perception?
Starting point is 00:11:40 Okay, you can tell that the person in front of the gate has a big old book and a scale next to them. Okay. And people are coming up and talking and you can see... Like a snake scale? Oh, you can tell that the person in front of the gate has a big old book and a scale next to them. Okay. And people are coming up and talking. Like a snake scale? Oh, you mean like a, never mind. Like a weighing scale.
Starting point is 00:11:51 Yeah. Like a balance scale. And you can see people come up and talk to him. And as they talk, pieces of gold drop down onto one end of the scale. And then the person keeps talking. And then pieces of like what looks to be rotting meat drop down on the other side of the scale. Ew. Can I see, does the person that has the the scale do they have like a name tag or something
Starting point is 00:12:07 can i like know what their name they're not facing you oh okay let's say let's say they turn around for a second because they hear something behind them and you can see that their name is joey lunch money that was given to us by matthew m thank you matthew okay i'm gonna walk up to joey lunch money you're just gonna walk up you're cutting the entire line so everybody's giving you the fucking i'm like walking to my stink eye no no no i know the move you're doing it's a move i do in costco all the time when i go to the bathroom and i don't exactly you're yes hey what's the code to the bathroom sort of like coming up okay yeah i come up and i say excuse me sir sorry just quick quick question joey miss a mr you're talking to me joey yes hey so we're not dead or anything we just need to like I say, excuse me, sir. Sorry. Just quick, quick question. Joey, Mr.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Hey, Mr. You're talking to me, Joey. Yes. Hey, so we're not dead or anything. We just need to like quickly. Is there like a guest services to like visitor pass? Yeah. Just services.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Joey, this is Joey's voice. We need to use the bathroom in heaven. It's a number two. So we really need to sit on those golden gates. Roll deception with disadvantage, Ron. Because angels can see into your guts, dude. They can tell if you're holding some fucking turtle heads. Yeah, lying is going to be difficult
Starting point is 00:13:13 in heaven. Oh, but I got a 17, so... With disadvantage, you got a 17? Oh, I forgot about the disadvantage, so... So... With disadvantage, I this a magic gun? 16. So.
Starting point is 00:13:26 Nice. All right. So he goes, yeah, yeah. One of you could go in and use the bathroom, I guess. It's a long line after all. Oh, that's great. Actually, I could really go. Brooklyn Dracula.
Starting point is 00:13:36 It's me, Joey Lunch Money. Yeah, bleh. Who wants to go in and do a number one? You can't do number two in heaven. Oh, my God. You can't do number two. There's no number twos in heaven. How is it heaven then? Wait, in heaven do you never have to go number two?
Starting point is 00:13:51 Yeah, unless you want to, in which case you do it in your own room. Do you have bathrooms in heaven? No. Who are we looking for again? I mean, Grandpa Daryl's in here. And then who else is one of you guys, right? Was one of your grandpas in here too? Well, I mean, Grandpa Daryl's in here. And then who else is? One of you guys, right? Was one of your grandpas in here, too? Well, I mean, Nick's in hell, right?
Starting point is 00:14:09 Nick is in hell. And my grandpa is, you know, he's back on Earth, sort of, you know, just he's doing it up his style. So Daryl's the real one. He's the only one that got into the pearly gates. Well, I mean, you know, my grandpa's not dead yet. Well, okay, well, we'll see, you know, then we'll see what happens. For now, Daryl's okay. I bet my grandpa would get way more into heaven than your grandpa. grandpa's not dead yet so okay well we'll see you know then we'll see what happens for now
Starting point is 00:14:25 get way more into heaven than your grandpa maybe well he can't get more into heaven well i bet there's a better heaven and that's where my grandpa would go okay whoa how do you know about the better heaven who told you who squealed joey lunch money don't take the kindly to squealers so okay well i guess we could go to the bathroom, but also my question, do you have visitors? Visitor passes, no. You can only get in if you're dead and we judge you. Or if you have to use the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:14:54 Or if you used to use the bathroom. This is a one-time situation where one of you gets to use the bathroom. I'll be right back. We're going to check which one of us wants to use the bathroom. What? Well, we all have to go, but you're only letting one of us, so we're all going to decide. We're just really jacked up, man. Yeah, so we're just going to decide which one of us needs to use the bathroom. What? Well, we all have to go, but you're only letting one of us, so we're all going to decide. We're just really jacked up, man.
Starting point is 00:15:07 Yeah, so we're just going to decide which one of us needs to go the most. Yeah, if you're going to have an open bathroom policy, you got to make it open. It's not open. I'm doing you a favor. Maybe I take the favor back. Maybe none of you get to go to the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:15:16 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're going to find out which one of us needs to use the bathroom. We'll find out. We'll be right. Hang tight, Joey. All right, who's going in? I mean, I could really use, I do need to go to the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:15:23 But we need you to do reconnaissance when you're in there. Okay. Well, okay, so do need to go to the bathroom but we need you to do reconnaissance when you're in there okay well okay so you need to go see your grandpa but i need grant and grant needs to go so that mr lee wilson has to go also to mr lee wilson yes so the point is the point is we got to recon through and figure out a way to get all of us in there but we have an opportunity to case the joint yeah right now grant says uh boss kicks do you think there's a way to maybe unlock the gates when you're on the other side or something or could you like open it how would i know that i don't know i'm just saying is that something you could maybe think about yeah okay yeah yeah okay i'm just trying to have a plan with my business
Starting point is 00:15:59 partner oh yeah no no hey hey you keep coming up with ideas like that, you might work your way up to the top. Be Boss Kicks as well? No, not Be Boss Kicks. But I am thinking about acquiring a certain football team and maybe I could use a general manager. Yeah, okay, I can see if there's a way to unlock the door. I mean, there might be other doors, too.
Starting point is 00:16:19 I feel like... Excuse me, I swallowed a bug. I feel like, Mr. Stampler, you've been to heaven. You know, I mean, what's it like on the other side? Can you draw something? Oh, yeah, can you just go back in there? Can't you go in and, like, let us in?
Starting point is 00:16:32 Like, it seems like they'll let you in because you're dead, right? So, Ron, you remember that one of the rules of heaven is that you cannot leave and that if you did leave, you would be in a lot of trouble if they ever found out. Just like North Korea, dog. Guys, I'm remembering something. And yeah, it's not heaven that I'm remembering. So I can't remember that for you. But I wish you the best of luck.
Starting point is 00:16:56 And then I'll be here to support you emotionally. And then also if you wanted to pretend to be one person but just stacked on top of each other, you know, to take a big pee, like a really tall person. Maybe I could assist you with that. That's not bad. Yeah, I can go back to lunch money and tell him that our friend, our friend, tall boy, tall boy, Billy, tall boy, tall boy wants to take a pee because he's got the biggest biggest. Yeah, he's a big boy. He's got a lot of pee.
Starting point is 00:17:28 So I don't want to make sense for him. Look, if everybody equally had to go pee, the guy who's the biggest. He's one of those really tall guys who died young. Do you know what I mean? Like Andre the Giant. Oh, that's really sad. That's really sad. Gosh, I didn't think about that.
Starting point is 00:17:38 It was sad. Mr. Stampler, Mr. Stampler. Yes. A question for you. Seeing as this is heaven and there appear to be biblically accurate angels everywhere and mounted machine gun nests, won't they see through our plan of just putting a piece of cloth between a stack of what appears to be eight of us or more? When in doubt, I just say when you got to go, you got to go.
Starting point is 00:17:59 So. Okay. So that's the backup plan. Can you take a quick look around just also while he's just here? Can I just do a perception roll? Sure. For what? I'm trying to see if there's like, I don't know,
Starting point is 00:18:09 like any big whales that go over the walls of heaven or anything like that. Any fun stuff from Storybreak? I only got 13. Like what's the worst that could happen? We all die and then we just don't get in here. I feel like dying while you try to get into heaven is probably like the surest way not to get into heaven, i guess you're right like i know there's only 10 commandments but that's probably because they didn't want that 11th one to confuse people being like well you can get
Starting point is 00:18:30 into heaven and not get into heaven but like i feel like that's actually probably number one on the commandments is like don't break into heaven yeah that's bad zero if you will exclusive club all right well okay so it sounds like link you gotta pee i gotta pee anyway so like how am i just going and that's good because they're probably going to go. They got truth rays, right? Probably. They can see if you're lying. You're not lying.
Starting point is 00:18:50 You have to pee. So you go in. We have to see their security apparatus. You can see if there's anything you can use to maybe throw a ladder rope over. Oh, baby monitor. Baby monitor. We can talk to him. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Starting point is 00:19:00 Mount the baby monitor so we can have a situation room-ass view like Obama. And I feel like. Like when they killed Bin Laden. Yeah. I feel like to be stealth, like it's just about being a good person. Like that's how you're going to fit in there. So like I'm going to do everything I can not to lie. So like I'm not going to ask where the bathroom is.
Starting point is 00:19:16 So like I'm not lying when I say I don't know where the bathroom is. And I'm just going to walk around sincerely looking for the bathroom. I'm just going to tell myself that I am looking for the bathroom. And we're going to gather data. I'm also looking for a way to open the door. And whether or not you guys are going to break in when I do that, I don't know. Because I have to be a good person when I'm just going to tell myself that I am looking for the bathroom and we're going to gather. I'm also looking for a way to open the door and whether or not you guys are going to break in when I do that. I don't know because I have to be a good person when I'm in heaven. Otherwise, they're going to suss me out. Right. I'm getting nervous.
Starting point is 00:19:32 I'm just going to go in. I'm a good person. Kiddo, you're going to do great. Oh, it's OK. Close your eyes. OK. Open your nostrils. Oh, they're always open.
Starting point is 00:19:41 If I know what you're about to put in front of me. Take a whiff of this. And normal cracks open his OC brew. Normal secret stuff. I can smell that from over here, man. Should I roll? Do you feel more relaxed? No. Yeah, roll.
Starting point is 00:19:55 You gotta roll and see what it is. Yeah, roll nature. There's danger roll? I've played all this. I heard nature. He said nature. Nature. Roll danger.
Starting point is 00:20:03 No, nature. That's a four. Okay,. No, nature. I know. Yeah, dude. That's a four. Okay, so it's one of the worst. It's the fourth worst thing you've ever smelled in your life. Okay, but I got a 21 when I rolled nature. Oh, so you like it.
Starting point is 00:20:14 Ew. Ew. Breathe it in. Smell that. That's fungus. Oh, my God. I got a 19. I'm like, okay. Kind of like black licorice.
Starting point is 00:20:23 It's just like not great at first first but just the more you dig in Yeah, it's a sharp scent, you know It's a sharp, sharp, sharp and bold It's been in my pocket for a while Taylor gets a 10, that's got a little bit of a funk to it It feels like it's matured slightly in the time that you've had it Yes it has
Starting point is 00:20:39 The adults in Hermia are horrified by it and they're all covering their noses Okay guys, so you all have You all have advantage on your next roll for doing so good smelling my essential oil, and I cap it back up. That's great. So you're going to do great. Yeah, that doesn't happen. Overruled. They get a plus one or something on their skill check?
Starting point is 00:20:58 What does an essential oil have to do with anything? Look, I read an article in Scientific American before I came over, and they said that the science on essential oils is inconclusive. Okay. So it's inconclusive as to whether or not it'll help. So Diorol feels pretty inconclusive about whether or not it'll help. We'll see what happens on your next Diorol. Hey, Norman, do you mind if I just take that with me?
Starting point is 00:21:19 Yeah, absolutely, man. I mean, it's, it's, I was weird, but I kind of like the smell, and then I don't know, maybe if I get stuck there or whatever. I don't know. It's just, you know, I like that you did that for me. Oh, well, yeah. Okay, great. Okay.
Starting point is 00:21:28 All right. Tie this baby monitor to your chest. I got it. Underneath your shirt. Yeah, of course. I've been so nervous about sharing essential oils with you guys. Cause frankly, like most of them are made out of really dangerous stuff. And I want to embarrass myself and admit that I don't want to do it.
Starting point is 00:21:42 But like, if this is like, this could become a whole part of my personality. You know, this could be a ticket to owning a football team if you can't access oils like this. Maybe I don't have to be a football player. You've got quite the sharp business sense, young man. I think you'll go far. Who are you talking to? Everybody.
Starting point is 00:21:59 Oh, okay. Wait, hold on, hold on. Is it going to be okay for dude to just be here, just like standing in line though? Look at all these people. We're in heaven, aren't we? Yeah. This is the line into heaven.
Starting point is 00:22:08 That is a distinction. Oh. Yeah, so the thing is the line into heaven is still like accessible to anybody who can't get into heaven. I mean, people try. You heard from Jerry earlier, but yeah, people always stand in line
Starting point is 00:22:23 who aren't actually good people. So dude isn't, you know, safe here. I guess we got to like break dude in with us. I guess the only way out is through. Does that work for you, dude? Yeah. Yeah, it works for me. Okay.
Starting point is 00:22:35 So you've got the baby monitor strapped to your chest. Yep. What are you going to do? I walk up to him. I go, sir, we've decided that I have to pee the most. Okay. So I will take this very kind gesture of yours, despite why you're in heaven,
Starting point is 00:22:48 because you are so kind to people like me. You're in heaven, get it? Oh my God. Yeah, so I'm just going to go. Oh my God. Don't worry about me. You seem like a busy man. I'm just going to go straight in
Starting point is 00:22:56 and find the bathrooms by myself, and I start walking. Yeah, just go. No, oh, wow, that's overwhelming. Wow, even the gates are bigger than I thought they'd be. And I try to walk through. So Joey says, yeah, just's overwhelming. Wow, even the gates are bigger than I thought they'd be. This is what I try to walk through. So Joey says, yeah, just go ahead. Oh, whoa.
Starting point is 00:23:10 Hey, Joey, are gates, are they always this big? Are they, like, bigger depending on what sort of people are coming here? Like, these gates, these gates, they're always pretty big. But, like, are there, like, it just makes me think these gates are too big for humans. Are there other, are there aliens? Are there taller? Are there tall aliens? You know what?
Starting point is 00:23:30 You know what? I want to be surprised. Don't tell me. I'm going to walk through the door. He says, okay, just go in. Joey. What? I'm going to try to back up to the door so I can zip away before he tells me.
Starting point is 00:23:46 He's trying to slowly fade away before Joey can tell him where to go. Roll stealth then. Because I don't want to lie when I say I don't know where the bathroom is. All right, roll stealth to see if you can get away from Wally's trying to talk to you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:24:00 What would he say? Because I'm not trying to hide from him. Actually, no. Okay, okay. What would it be then? I want help. I want help. Deception.
Starting point is 00:24:05 Sorry, that's why I need deception. I want help. I want help. Deception. Sorry, that's why I need deception. I want help. I yell from the back of the line. Hey, what's taking so long? I'm dead. I want to get in there. My family and my dog are waiting for me. So Taylor, roll intimidation.
Starting point is 00:24:17 Matt, you roll. I got three deception. Okay. Wait. Taylor, roll intimidation. Inspiration. No. Taylor, roll intimidation.iration Taylor roll intimidation
Starting point is 00:24:25 7 plus 1, 8 Essential oil gives you a plus 1 so you got an 8 Yeah dude I was standing next in line to a guy With like no family and a guy who hates dogs I don't care Sure So Joey says yeah just go ahead and go in And step under the angel
Starting point is 00:24:41 And it'll tell you where to go basically Okay Can I roll Just to forget what I just heard and step under the angel and it'll tell you where to go, basically. Okay. Damn it. And I walk. Can I roll just to forget what I just heard? Roll a wisdom saving throw that you want to fail. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:24:58 Fucking slam and sniff that thing, dude. And try and clear your short-term memory. The mummy tells me I turn the corner and I take a sniff of the essential oil. Roll a wisdom saving throw and you want to fail. God, I got 16. Ooh, you succeeded. You remembered too well. Oh, dude, it's like my favorite line in fucking Inception.
Starting point is 00:25:12 Let's say I tell you not to think about elephants. What are you thinking about? Elephants. I love it. All right, I walk in. So inside you see another one of those biblically accurate angels is floating around and its pupil focuses on you and it wafts over to you and pauses above you and you see water begin to form at the edges of its eyeball and the water pools at the bottom of it and a big teardrop is about to drop onto you. Hold your breath. Hold your breath, Link! I dodge it.
Starting point is 00:25:45 Okay, roll a dexterity saving throw. It's a 17. Okay, so you effortlessly dodge out of the way of the teardrop which hits the cloud just next to you and the angel narrows its eyes. Oh, sorry, buddy. I didn't know you were already going here. I'll find another place to go back to. What a save! Come on!
Starting point is 00:26:04 Roll deception. Dude, and and somewhere on earth a hurricane forms that's how it happens that happens dude 16 deception jesus okay so the 16 deception you managed to convince the angel the angel narrows its eyes which is say narrows its whole body at you and like looks over to the side and kind of cocks its head a little bit as if to say like bathroom is that way. And you understand it, even though it said nothing. It spoke directly to you, the very fiber of your being. I feel a little bit of my soul disappear to as I lied straight to an angel.
Starting point is 00:26:35 I'm already worried. Can I just like get an overall, like, what do I see? Sure. So you come across, you're on the other side of the door. Okay. So you basically see a crossroads. Are there clouds above? Is it just open sky? It's open sky. Do you see the chicken that of the door. Okay. So you basically see a crossroads. Are there clouds above? Is it just open sky?
Starting point is 00:26:45 It's open sky. Do you see the chicken that crossed the road in here? No, but you do see the family guy chicken who fights his way through the background. Like, God damn, baby. Still fighting. Jesus watches like, oh, that's sick. To the left, you can see a bunch of doors.
Starting point is 00:27:01 To the right, you see what looks to be an ocean of papers. And in front of you, you see a big of doors to the right you see what looks to be an ocean of papers and in front of you you see a big empty throne so you can go left right or forward so wait what kind of papers so i want to double check is there anything else to know about the gate there's no like door like how do i get it back like do i just open the door the gate again you're gonna go and knock on the gate presumably yeah it doesn't sound like a voice crackles over link Link, it's normal. Oh, hey. Hey, guys. So an angel tried to pee on me, and then there's like a big sea of letters, papers or something. Maybe not letters, papers. I don't know what they are. I haven't gone close enough to see what's on them.
Starting point is 00:27:33 But paper, definitely paper I can see from here. And there's doors, a lot of doors. And there's like, I think God's chair up here, but he's gone. Wow. So I just realized he's gone? Is that God's chair? Can I see? Is there like any sign that it's
Starting point is 00:27:45 God's chair? It's like a game tag. You gotta go forward to investigate it if you want to. I don't know, but there's like, I mean, it's just a gate here. I don't think, like, we're not able to sneak past him. The chair says Ikea. Maybe you should pee first. Do what? Maybe you should pee first, because if you go to pee, they're not going to think anything's up. You can keep looking around, and then after you pee,
Starting point is 00:28:01 you just, you know, get a little fake lost on your way back to the gate. No, don't pee first. Sorry. This is Ron Sampler. Don't pee first because the moment that you pee, they'll know that your objective is over. Oh, that's a good idea. Wait, wait. Have you been keeping up with your Kegels?
Starting point is 00:28:17 My what? Taylor here. Listen to me. What is that? You're going to need to start. He'd jump into a Metal Gear Solid-Ass Cut, see what like Kegels or an exercise. Kegels. With real footage of people doing Kegels like human beings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop footage that Hideo Kojima found.
Starting point is 00:28:34 Press the action button to clench your butthole, Link. Yeah, the entire podcast pauses as a disc loads and goes like, the American gynecologist Arnold Kegel first published a description of subject exercises in 1948. It's like the torture scene where he's like, After World War II, the world was split into two. That's the worst line in any video game. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:28:54 And then, listen, what you need to do is this. Listen to me good. Are you just telling me how not to pee myself? No, listen to me. You're going to start a stream, and then you're going to cut it off midstream. That way, you'll have plausible deniability. You'll always have pee in the bladder. That way, if anyone is caring, but you have to start the piss and then stop the piss.
Starting point is 00:29:13 Okay. He's right. There's no choice, Mike. Okay. Oh, there I did it. I'm just humoring him so I don't stop telling him. So you didn't actually piss yourself. No, I didn't actually piss myself.
Starting point is 00:29:21 All right, roll deception. Just for Taylor? Taylor, roll insight. Cut to Taylor on the other side of the gates with, like, fucking both headphones on. Like, the fucking... You remember that... The conversation?
Starting point is 00:29:31 Like, Bruno Gans, the fucking lies of others. Like, straight up, he's sitting there. Like, he's in the lies of others, like, listening so intensely, dude. I got eight deception. Okay, roll insight, Taylor. 13 plus four. 17.
Starting point is 00:29:47 You can tell he's lying to you. Lincoln. What? We need to trust each other here. Is that that I don't trust you? I'm just confused. All I am saying is this. When you go into the paper, which is where you need to go piss, you cannot let go of your payload entirely. You said you described the area around you. Yeah. You cannot. But the doors
Starting point is 00:30:03 could be bathrooms. You cannot release your payload entirely. Do you understand? That's a mission critical objective. You must retain part of your payload. That way it gives you possible deniability. The angels will know if you're out of pee. Ron just told us that. So, but what if I just don't pee now?
Starting point is 00:30:18 Why do I have to pee a little bit now? That would make you if they don't see you going to the restroom. They said the restroom is by the paper. Okay. Oh, God. I peed a little.. They said the restroom's by the paper. Okay. Oh, God. I peed a little. Did you really pee a little? I did.
Starting point is 00:30:28 Okay. So roll constitution to see if you can stop the flow. Matt, did you really pee a little in real life? No, not me. You can be honest, Matt. You can't prove it, Matt. You're not here. I know.
Starting point is 00:30:38 Guys, don't tell her anything. Don't tell her anything. Roll constitution. The girl can't know I peed. Imagine if boys were like, girls can't know that we peed. I mean, that's kind of what being a girl is like. What do boys do when they go in the bath?
Starting point is 00:30:51 Nothing. We wash our hands. We talk. We talk and wash our hands a lot. That's why we're so clean. That's why you always notice us boys being so clean. I got 17. Okay, with 17, you managed to kegel real good
Starting point is 00:31:02 and cut off the flow. Just be getting to believe. I just got a little pee. You got to kegel real good and cut off the flow. He's beginning to believe. I just got a little P. You got a little dot in your crotch. That's literally what Taylor deserves. He's beginning to believe. Okay, well, thanks, guys. I peed my pants a little bit.
Starting point is 00:31:14 All right, just like that. Okay, great. Okay, well, I guess I'll walk towards the- Can you recon? No! I'm going to walk towards the papers. I'm going to walk towards the papers. So the ocean of papers, you can see that-
Starting point is 00:31:22 You guys are still with me, right? Yes. Okay, just checking. You can see that it goes- Wait, you're still with me, right? Yes. I'm scared. Okay. Keep going. Wait, who's that? That was me, Hermie. Oh, what's up, Hermie? Hey, what's up? Are you guys all just like listening? Yeah. What is it we're doing? We're just waiting in line.
Starting point is 00:31:35 We're all sharing a single set of airpods. Just don't be too obvious because they might be like Okay, just like act casual while you're listening though because I don't want. No, you can go ahead of us. We're just waiting for our friend. Go on. We're waiting for our friend to die. Okay, just like act casual while you're listening though because I don't want No, you can go ahead of us. We're just waiting for our friend. Go on. We're waiting for our friend to die.
Starting point is 00:31:47 No, we're not lying. No, we're not lying. He's a podcaster. We're waiting for him to, you know, do the thing. Podcasters do not go to heaven.
Starting point is 00:31:54 No. You think Ira Glass is rolling up to heaven? They're going to take one look at him and be like, God, this American life freaks the words from hell.
Starting point is 00:32:02 The end of this American life. Okay. I walk towards the paper. So you see what seems to be an almost... Are there aliens, by the way? You don't know yet. Okay.
Starting point is 00:32:13 I'm not seeing anything around here. You haven't seen anybody yet. It's empty. You can see an ocean of individual sheafs of paper extending as far as the eye can see toward the horizon. And amongst the papers, you see dolphins like jumping and diving into the papers, you see dolphins like jumping and diving into the paper, picking up paper
Starting point is 00:32:28 with their beaks. Beaks? Their noses. Snouts? Snouts? What do dolphins have? They're more snout-coated than beak pills. God, you piece of shit. It's called a rostrum. Guys, there's dolphins swimming in these papers. I can't pee in here.
Starting point is 00:32:44 And they are trying to put them into what you see look like large filing cabinets and they are pulling open the filing cabinets and trying to shuffle through a bunch of different papers and place papers down but more papers keep coming in falling from the sky as they do so it's nice that all those dolphins have a porpoise up there you go to hell no wait. And this is where you're supposed to pee? No, you assumed that. No, he said this is where you're supposed to pee. He said this is the direction you're supposed to go to pee. Oh, okay. I want to look up on the paper. Yeah, you've just got to find the right echo
Starting point is 00:33:13 location. Okay, you both get advantage for dad stuff. I don't think we should. I think you should. I don't know if I want to touch the paper. I want to get real close to one so I can see what are on the papers. Okay. Roll perception. I'm moving in. I'm going to look at what the papers are. Okay.
Starting point is 00:33:27 You're still holding on to your pee, right? Yeah. God, yes. Also, it's moist up here. I don't think it's ever going to dry. It's moist? What? You know, sometimes you get like a little wet.
Starting point is 00:33:35 It's like a hot day. Like you're on top of the pools. Like you don't even need a towel. It's like dry right away. But like my pee, I don't know. It's just moist up here. Roll perception. I got a 14.
Starting point is 00:33:44 All right. So the 14, you can see that one piece of paper has a name on it. The name is Freddy Spaghetti. And beneath it are a series of numbers. It says row 15,280, column 9,865,302. Oh, hey. So it's a name and like a bunch of numbers. It's like the Excel sheet from hell.
Starting point is 00:34:08 And then on the other side, you only rolled a 14. Yeah. So you don't know what's on the other side. I look harder. You flip it over. You can flip it over with your hand if you want to. I'm going to touch it and flip it over with my hand. All right, roll a stealth.
Starting point is 00:34:18 Look harder. A nine? A dolphin beak clamps around your hand as you reach for it. Link, what's going on in there is this toilet paper look i got p i'm not lying i got p on my pants the dolphin looks down your pants sees the p spot narrows its eyes and then nods and a portal opens up to your right that looks like it enters into hell oh thanks oh hell oh what wait are you saying I'm in hell, bud? Okay, okay, okay. No, I gotta go pee.
Starting point is 00:34:46 I gotta clean up. It nods. Oh. Like, it's normal. Yeah, I'm in a situation. Piss into hell. Yeah, okay. You gotta piss into hell.
Starting point is 00:34:54 Okay, yeah, I'm gonna, uh, can I read the back of the paper? Well, the dolphin caught you, and now it's looking at you, so. Yeah, hey, I'm just gonna look at the back of this paper, bud. I'm just really curious. That's, like, not a sin. Curiosity is not one of the seven ones. So yeah, they definitely didn't get in trouble for doing something curious in the Garden of Eden.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Oh, you got me. You got me. Okay. You're right. I'm just going to go pee. Hey, hey, bud, you're doing a good job. I'm glad. I'm glad you guys got a porpoise up here.
Starting point is 00:35:19 I gave him a little wink, roll, persuasion. Also, just as a theology roll here, Anthony, it's technically because they disobeyed the direct order from God. Yeah, because they were curious about what the thing was. I know, but the direct order was don't look at the thing. Yeah, fair enough. I got three. All right, so with the three, he goes,
Starting point is 00:35:35 like, it's heard that joke before. All right, guys, I guess I'm going to walk to hell. If it doesn't ring up, can I get it for free? Okay, I'm going to walk to that door. All right, the portal into can I get it for free? Okay, I'm going to walk to that door. All right. The portal into hell. I'm not going in it yet. No, you don't have to.
Starting point is 00:35:49 I'm going to get real close to it. But you're going to go in it. Yeah. Am I supposed to? Wait. I turn back to what was like, do you guys pee into hell? The dolphin nods. That doesn't seem nice.
Starting point is 00:36:00 The dolphin shrugs. I mean, but like, I guess that seems like a thing they would do in hell. It's like pee on people. It feels like up here where you shouldn't do that. The dolphin rollsugs. I mean, but like, I guess that seems like a thing they would do in hell. It's like pee on people. It feels like up here where you shouldn't do that. The dolphin rolls its eyes. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I guess you don't get judged once you're in here. Dolphin shakes its head.
Starting point is 00:36:16 Oh, well, you know what? I got in here because I'm a good person. So I think I'm going to go find a nicer place to pee. And I walk away. Dolphin shrugs and goes, it's a living and jumps back into the. Okay. So there's definitely a portal in hell we can pee in, but that doesn't really help us find Daryl. Wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:36:30 The portal through hell. Yeah. What did it look like? I mean, what did it look like? You could see that it opened onto the top most layer of hell, which you have been to before. Yeah. And that it basically was just going to make it rain pee there. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:41 So that's what it was. Wait, does that mean that the best way to sneak into heaven is through hell? Whoa! You guys are smart. You're right. We don't need it. Yeah, okay. Let's go in that way. Okay, Link. You're gonna know. What? You're our man on the inside.
Starting point is 00:36:56 Listen, Link. This is gonna be the hardest thing. Hold on to that pee. This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done. This is what you need to do. If you're trying to pee, stay in line. You need to start peeing, Link. However, hear me out. Yeah. You must drip feed the pee.
Starting point is 00:37:12 Yeah. You have to ration your piss while we get in position. Okay. That's a good idea. I'm just going to act really morally, like... Conflicted. Yeah, conflicted about doing it. So I'm just going to stay here.
Starting point is 00:37:23 Lincoln, I believe in you. I believe in your kigos. Now watch the dolphins' schedule the dolphin schedule to see like you know what their motions are like when's the best time for you guys to like pop out or whatever that's great okay good good good okay good good good all right here i go you know what mr dolphin don't forget you can contact us on baby monitor code 140.85 okay i mean i'll just talk. Babies don't have the ability. They gotta just work. Imagine babies had to tweak the fucking...
Starting point is 00:37:51 Honey, can you just check the code? Daddy's code is written on the instruction manual for the baby monitor. The baby's trying to save and it doesn't remember which code I code. Don't worry, we'll be on channel on. Okay, so I guess I'm just going to do it, but boy,
Starting point is 00:38:09 I feel bad about peeing, and I lower my pants all the way, because that's how Lincoln pees. No, Link, you guys spent 20 minutes undoing your belt, dude. Fiddling with your belt is delay tactic. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. Alright, how do we get to hell? Mr. Stampler. Gary. Someone. What do we do? Nick. All right, Nick's delay tactic. Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. All right. How do we get to hell? Mr. Stampler. Gary.
Starting point is 00:38:25 Someone. What do we do? Nick. Nick. All right. Nick's with you. Nick goes, I mean, you say bitch.
Starting point is 00:38:32 He falls down back into hell. No, but that takes us to the deepest part of hell. That takes you to the deepest part of hell. You're right. It's too late for him. He's already down there.
Starting point is 00:38:39 He's in turbo hell. He crawls back up. Nick says, I mean, you have to die, but remember last time you were in hell, they said you can only come once, so we have to sneak in if we're going to sneak in.
Starting point is 00:38:49 That's the real hell. That's the real hell. He can only come once in hell. You get one. The second you enter King's Valley, you get one. Dude, there's going to be one guy in hell who's just like, I haven't burned it yet. It's been a thousand years.
Starting point is 00:39:01 I'm saving it. Saving it. Saving it for a special occasion. Wait for the right lady to come down. So you're saying in order to sneak into heaven, we have to sneak through hell. But just the top layer of hell where they pee. Oh, here's the plan.
Starting point is 00:39:16 Okay, dad, here's the plan. We dress up as... I don't know how much longer I can hold it. Lincoln, just stay. Just stay. Keep on. Okay, I'm going to keep drinking my spit. God.
Starting point is 00:39:27 To fill up. Okay. I'll be quiet. We should pretend to be. Hear me out. We should pretend to be like AC repairmen and come in. You got a leak up here. You know?
Starting point is 00:39:37 And then we can repair people. And then that way we can come in with ladders and tools and then use the ladder to go into heaven. Yeah. We could be like hail plumbers. Yeah. This guy gets it. You currently have Rogue who can move between the realms. Great. Rogue is from heaven. So you can take
Starting point is 00:39:54 Rogue to wherever you would like. We need to stop by like a Grainer's. We could also pretend to be angels on like a cultural ambassadorship. You know like when there's an election in a country that doesn't have great elections and then they have election observers. We can just be some angels that are like,
Starting point is 00:40:09 hey, we're here to observe hell. We want to take notes. Interesting. And then we go around and we ask for a tour of hell. And in exchange, we'll give you guys, one of your guys, a tour of heaven. We don't need to do a tour.
Starting point is 00:40:18 We just need to get to the top layer of hell because we can fly straight up with road care. Okay, so it sounds like no matter what we're going to do, we need to go to a separate realm, the Spirit Halloween realm, where we get all of our costumes. Yeah, we need to get Rogue dressed up like an angel so that we can do the cultural ambassadorship.
Starting point is 00:40:36 Okay, to be clear. Or we're angel plumbers or something. I don't know. We'll see what costumes are good at Spirit Halloween. Okay, so you go to the Spirit Halloween realm. Spirit Halloween realm used to be the... What's another plane? What's a famous plane? It's actually another plane, but
Starting point is 00:40:47 like, they're not using it right now, so seasonally, it's the Spirit Halloween realm. Yeah, seasonally, the ethereal plane turns into the Spirit Halloween. Oh my god, wait, I have a Okay, that's fucking rules, because you've established that now canonically, you can't no-tixie-baxies. I have etherealness, which allows
Starting point is 00:41:03 me to walk into the ethereal plane. Oh right, that pretty recently so you would have seen a spirit halloween the last time you were when you were in the school and you went into the ethereal plane you saw a spirit halloween in the distance and i was only in the bathroom yeah you were only the bathroom of the spirit halloween which was a best buy you get on rogue's back and rogue zooms downward and then zooms to the left and then zooms like fifth dimensionally and you feel the entire world warp around you the entire universe sort of shift around you weirdly and you don't feel like you're moving at all but when everything resolves back into something that you can recognize you are in what appears to be the parking lot of a very typical spirit halloween
Starting point is 00:41:37 superstore holy shit they still got quiznos here yeah and there's a quiz that was and nothing else and uh yeah you can head inside the spirit halloween and they have all the exact things you expect from Spirit Halloween, but weird magical versions of them. So go ahead and roll perception or investigation. I like that. I'm going to pick up a toasty torpedo sub at Quiznos first, and then I'll be joining everybody else. I got a six.
Starting point is 00:41:59 All right, with a six, you don't see anything out of the ordinary. I see an 18. I see an 18. I got an 18. You see an 18. You see the hottest woman you have ever seen in your life. She's like as hot as two very hot women. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:16 Just two supermodels stacked on top of each other. Trying to get into an R-rated movie. No, I've seen two 10s that look better. Your guy on Reddit. Go straight to hell. So within the Spirit Halloween realm, there are a bunch of costumes that will permanently change you
Starting point is 00:42:31 into looking like something different, but you can tell that they are permanent. They have big labels on them that say permanent change. Now, to be honest, sorry, sorry, just quick question. It says permanent change.
Starting point is 00:42:40 The picture on the costumes, is it the stock model photo? Yes. Okay, so it's the stock model photo and they all have like really non-trademark infringing names of the things that you're looking for child wizard exactly child wizard robot assassin uh apocalypse man fantasy plumber threatening businessman the matrix oh i thought that was american psycho yeah you know i was like slender man yeah you know hey know, hey. It works for all of them. That's why it's one of the best sellers.
Starting point is 00:43:07 You see Guardian of Heaven. You see Guardian of Galaxy. Guardian of Galaxy. You see Amazing Woman. Sentinel of the Inferno. You see a lot of different things. So what are you looking for? Yeah, where are your non-permanent costumes?
Starting point is 00:43:21 The clerk, who is a cute goth guy, who's on his phone, goes i don't we don't have yeah he doesn't he ignores you almost entirely move over ron excuse me hi where are your um oh what's it called um your non-permanent costumes how old are you um you can talk to my stepdad ron okay cool because i'm a goth guy so if you're underage I'm probably into this I'm really really nice to women in public oh no oh my god Jesus Christ biblically actor angels big eyeball bunch of feathers, right? We need to turn Rogue into a big eyeball
Starting point is 00:44:07 and then we gotta drape a bunch of feathers over him to make him look like an angel. And the people in hell won't know because they're in hell. But it needs to look like a passable angel from heaven. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay. Or we just get a can of... Or we get a can of black
Starting point is 00:44:23 spray paint. Hear me out. We get a can of marking paint, and we just paint on Rogue, new angel type. Okay. Do you understand? Okay. Quick update, guys. That's about 25% gone. All right.
Starting point is 00:44:37 We got to hurry. We got to. Hold on. Hold on. It's okay. You know what? Take your time. I got a plan.
Starting point is 00:44:43 You may shift into second gear, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. There may be a turtle about to poke its head out and see its own shadow. Oh, my God. So you were saying about the non-permanent costumes? Yeah, they don't exist. That freaking sucks, man. Yeah, what kind of story is this?
Starting point is 00:45:01 I mean, come on. What do you do when it's not Halloween? We fucking sit around and count all our money. We disappear into the ethereal plane and become nothingness with the void, and then we come back to make people change their appearances once every season. What do you do?
Starting point is 00:45:15 I'm a teenager, sir. That's the situation. We just need to figure out. All right, this situation. I guess I'm just going to have to turn into something weird and then I'll just be stuck that way for the rest of my life so that we can get an evidence. Hold on. It's important, Taylor. We're trying to turn to turn into something weird so that, and then I'll just be stuck that way for the rest of my life so that we can get it. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:45:25 It's important. Taylor. We're trying to turn the dog into an angel to get us into the heaven pee hole in hell. I, I understand that. Okay. Weren't we going to be like heaven plumbers or something?
Starting point is 00:45:37 By the time they see this, you're kind of the only one who's throwing the heaven plumber idea. I think we can, we can get through this without changing our faces. Yes. The point is by the time rogue here parks up next to the pee idea out. I think we can get through this without changing our faces. Yes. The point is, by the time Rogue here parks up next to the pee hole, we'll be in through there. It'll be too late. Wait, I have an idea.
Starting point is 00:45:51 Okay. I have an idea. Hear me out. Yeah. Sir, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. We're representatives from hell, and we're here to deliver a bunch of Spirit Halloween costumes to hell. And then our cover, guys, will be that we're delivering costumes to hell
Starting point is 00:46:08 for everybody in the first row of hell. I love how convoluted this guy is. Role deception. And then Taylor wants to help by taking out a pen and pretending to do inventory. How many pallets you got? You guys got any pallets? I got a 10.
Starting point is 00:46:22 My deception was an 18 plus 5, 23. All right, 23. So that means you get advantage on your roll normal. Oh, okay, great. Hey, did you check the palettes? That's a 16. Okay, so with a 16, he goes, again, you want to do a Halloween thing?
Starting point is 00:46:36 Sure, what do you want? We love Halloween down in hell, and we'll take, you know, what do we like down there? Devil costumes. We like your Freddy Kruegers. We'll take, you know, maybe- All like down there? Devil costumes. We like your Freddy Kruegers. We'll take, you know, maybe... All your non-IP infringing...
Starting point is 00:46:48 Politicians. Politicians, yeah. Big head mode. Big head mode costumes. We just need a lot. Minecraft guy. That was a huge one every year, I tell you. He's called Block Man.
Starting point is 00:47:00 That, no, he's called Steve. Steve is copyright infringing. He's called Block Man. Ah, you're right, you're right,'s called Blockman You're right, you're right So you want Blockman If you make me laugh, I won't be able to hold on You want Blockman You want Nightmare Pervert
Starting point is 00:47:14 You want Red Pitchfork Dude I think you could just say The Devil, I don't think that one's No, Arizona's got that one copyrighted On all sports teams We want Red Pitchfork man we want 50 um purple magic man we want 55 purple magic man and uh give us some yellow skateboard kids and yeah it says don't take my cow on the labels so yeah he's like a farmer. So yeah, that's the- Load him up, my man. 50- Yep, what he says. Slingshot guys, 50 Steves, 50 blockmans, 50 of Mr. Red Pokeyhead, and-
Starting point is 00:47:51 Yep, load him up. Okay, that's fine. That'll be one soul. Oh, you know, I left it in my other pants. Hold on. I don't see any of your employees in the back. Who's going to load this up? Me.
Starting point is 00:48:03 What? You? Just you? Yeah. You're the only one working here? Yeah. All right, guys. We's going to load this up? Me. What? You? Just you? Yeah. You're the only one working here? Yeah. Alright, guys. We're going to take him out. I want everyone to jump him at the exact same time. Okay. Everybody roll an attack because you got
Starting point is 00:48:17 a surprise round. Hey, he was gross. It's okay. You can kill him. 16 plus 5. 21. Alright, roll damage. Are we fucking him up? I just want to take him down. In D&D, you can- You can decide that it's non-lethal damage. Oh, I was going to roll Eldritch Blast. Yeah, you can Eldritch Blast him non-lethally
Starting point is 00:48:32 with as little sense as that makes. Okay, well, my first move will be just a hard karate chop in the back of the head. Eight damage. That's an 18. Okay, you Eldritch Blast him, you karate chop him, all the dads jump on him
Starting point is 00:48:44 and just start kicking the shit out of him. Hermes just like, yeah, yeah, get him,ast him, you karate chop him, all the dads jump on him and just start kicking the shit out of him. Hermes just like, yeah, yeah, get him, get him, yeah, yeah. He's just hype manning, and he gets knocked unconscious. No, I want to kill him now. Okay, he's dead. That's why you don't tell everyone how many people are working at your store. All right, guys, let's go. All right, so you run out of the Spirit Halloween.
Starting point is 00:49:02 Your arms loaded. Load up costumes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, guys, guys. Rogue loaded for bear sorry i finally have a i finally have a moment i'm sorry i haven't talked to you in a couple days oh no like how many days what do you mean it's been a couple days no it hasn't oh because the realms are all different dude it's okay i figured out i got a good plan going well have you been holding your pee this whole time? I've been recycling. Oh my god. They're kind of getting used to me now. Okay. I'm kind of playing just like the
Starting point is 00:49:32 whole like I'm conflicted and like they're talking to me. They're pretty busy. I feel like time matters so much here. A series of dolphins have just sort of lined up to just watch you. Check out this guy. He's drinking his piss. Yeah, one of them's like and another one goes and then he swims over and then every so often you get another dolphin watching you until there's like 20 dolphins yeah they essentially just watch me go
Starting point is 00:49:53 like all right they deserve it they're in hell that's why they do it and then right when i start being oh i can't do it i cluck my peanut cup and i go well i don't want to throw this out. Better in than out. Like I say, the color is getting pretty rowdy. So just however fast it's going, I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's like a frothy Guinness coming out. You truly are piss boy. I'm sure you guys are doing great. Hopefully see you soon.
Starting point is 00:50:25 We'll see you in a second. Hang on. We will come back for you. All right. Now we ride rogue into hell. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures.
Starting point is 00:50:44 Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Dude, look at me in the eyes. I'm looking. We are going to be embarking upon a stealth mission.
Starting point is 00:51:11 Stealth, yeah. Dude seems very impressionable. I'm a little worried about bringing dude into hell. So let's just all try to be on our best behavior on the rest of this mission, okay? And dude, just if you see something weird, just close your eyes and look away, okay? Close my eyes, look away.
Starting point is 00:51:23 Uh-huh. Just focus on us and look away and don't worry about anything any of the horrible shit you're gonna see down there okay no problem you get to the gates of hell evil saint peter is there line hell is actually pretty short because they just pretty much let everybody in pretty it's a jimmy dinner bucks yes jimmy dinner guys goes hey what are you doing here who are you guys we're from spirit halloween my good man, running a promotion. Looks here on my list, looks like you four have already been here. Well, yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:49 We're not here to stay. We're here to deliver these Spirit Halloween costumes. We're working the promotion. I'll bring them in. Sure, no problem. Jesus. You see, when you handle business as important as I do, it's kind of a do-it-yourself job. So we would... Yeah, we need to speak to your supervisor this is a big order and delivery that we already called it through and before we speak to your supervisor
Starting point is 00:52:09 we need to change okay roll intimidation taylor well i'm deceiving him aren't i because by saying that i called it ahead already you're basically saying let me talk to your boss you're going so that's intimidation oh a natural one he goes, you guys are trying to sneak in. Link, open the door. Yeah, you got us. Isn't that such a naughty, hellish thing to do? Can I cause a distraction by unleashing the most foul Guinness fucking urine possible? Can I like look at where that guy is from above?
Starting point is 00:52:40 Can you snipe? It's like fucking squirting down jello shots dude all right give give me a um give me a constitution roll and then a ranged uh attack roll i'm not proud of what we've done today no i am i am so six it hurts okay it hurts a lot you're gonna take three d20 of damage oh no you've been holding this for days. Oh, my God. It's been like another three days since you guys talked to me. Oh, God. That's 35 damage. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:53:11 I'm bloodied. Oh, shit. Blood adds. Blood's also part of it. You don't want blood in the urine. Now roll the ranged attack roll. Lord, forgive me for what I'm doing. Recite the Lord's Prayer, my man.
Starting point is 00:53:24 I hold one of my hands out, so like hoping that a dolphin will like grab like i just need support yeah it grows out and gives you its fin okay i'm rolling raise attack roll as he fucking blast hell with fucking stale urine dude this podcast man they're gonna play this when we die do you understand anthony you're gonna be dead you're gonna be they're gonna play this when we die you understand Anthony you're gonna be dead you're gonna be they're gonna play this as justification for executing us that's true and I'm gonna stand there in front of the fucking gals and I'll say ah yes
Starting point is 00:53:53 I regret nothing that's a 16 plus 4 19 okay so you with the precision of a US Ranger sniper Chris Kyle with the precision of Chris Kyle AmericanS. Ranger sniper. Chris Kyle. With the precision of Chris Kyle, American sniper, you managed to send a jet of yellow liquid. I go, this isn't Lincoln Piss Boy.
Starting point is 00:54:14 This is Boss Kiss. Piss Man. Piss Man. And the power of your piss. So you've been dripping one drop at a time onto one specific, like, spot in hell this entire time. And every time it hits the ground. This is a guy, and he's just like, I guess this is mine. I guess this is my hell.
Starting point is 00:54:31 Yeah, this is my torture. But he's a human guy. But this demon, you pee on him with water straight from heaven. Oh, shit. That you've been praying about. Oh, shit. So when it hits him, his holy water And it like Melts a hole
Starting point is 00:54:46 Straight through his fucking skull And he falls to the ground Dead dead And goes nowhere Punch it No no Get on rogue So I was just like
Starting point is 00:54:56 We should just ride rogue Yeah we should ride rogue Into heaven Yeah yeah Alright you ride rogue Through the hole He's riding through my urine Like fucking
Starting point is 00:55:02 Millennium Falcon Through asteroids Just dodging fucking Piss drops left and right Cause now it's starting you can't stop i'm still going i can't turn it off guys my kegels aren't strong enough this is days doesn't feel like pee anymore it's like a smoothie it's like a fucking smoothie coming out of me just in the episode just out of the fucking episode so you zoom back in through the portal from hell back into heaven and you are now on the other side of heaven a bunch of dolphins are looking at you with confused looks on their faces question
Starting point is 00:55:37 question question question theological question okay because very few in the bible have transitioned from heaven to hell have heaven to hell, right? You know what I'm saying? What does it feel like? It's us, Lucifer. Who else has done this? Well, Lucifer only went the one way. Yeah, but he was on the highway.
Starting point is 00:55:53 I don't think in Paradise Lost, Milton gets into the part where God peed and then Lucifer dived through a hole into hell. I feel like it's walking into like a whole food. It's like it's hot outside and then we go through. It's like a little gust of air and then it's walking into like a whole food. It's like it's hot outside. And then we go through a little gust of air. And then it's like a nice like 64 degrees. And you're like, this place is too nice for me. Now, question.
Starting point is 00:56:12 Does Matt have to roll a dexterity roll for a link to dive out of the way of Rogue hurtling up towards this sort of piss hole that he's made? No, I think that you obviously avoided me because if you came straight at me, you're getting hit by that fucking super pee. That is like melting people. It's a big hole, right? Anthony, that's like portal. It's big enough.
Starting point is 00:56:29 I thought that it was going to be like, Rogue's going to park alongside of it, like an airplane at a terminal. I know you're not the DM, but I'll do a dexterity save just for you. Will also, I got two plus three broke plows into your fucking ass and knocks you back onto the ground.
Starting point is 00:56:43 Anthony, I've also gone ahead and made a dexterity roll for Normal to try to bottle a little bit of this celestial P essence to potentially reduce to another essential oil. Will? What? He's a scientist, okay? Normal? Since when?
Starting point is 00:56:58 Look, Normal is ready to go beyond the bounds of what is accepted in the world of essential oils. And it's like, this could be the next of what is, you know, accepted in the world of essential oils. And, you know, it's like this could be like the next Ambergris, you know? Yeah, it could be the next like Anthrax too. So just be careful here. If someone looked at Ambergris and said, that's gross. That's like whale barf. I'm not going to get anywhere.
Starting point is 00:57:17 We wouldn't have any perfume industry. Like this hideous substance could be like, you know, it could be useful. Whatever. What was your role? I got to stop. All right. You just get piss in your mouth. Oh, no. No. substance could be like you know it could be useful whatever what was your role i got a stuff all right you just get piss in your mouth oh god no this whole episode has been that's what happens my fault i don't know what to tell you just do another piss shot parody okay so what happens so yes you have been through hell and back and have barely avoided getting
Starting point is 00:57:44 pissed on except for normal. And then we went to real hell. Hey-oh! You, uh... What? Because we were in a spirit Halloween. Sorry, Anthony. Please continue. I apologize. It's so rare you get to hear Freddy truly crestfallen. You gotta... You gotta enjoy those moments where you can get him.
Starting point is 00:58:01 Punished Freddy. The dolphins are going... And they're jumping back and forth like not quite knowing what to do whoa dolphins i turn around and say hey hey guys we've been through a lot this past week can you just can you just trust me like this is cool don't worry we're not gonna ruin anything like right i haven't done anything while i'm here what is cool let's just be cool right dolphins let's just be cool roll persuasion hey you and i look at you have a. Roll persuasion. Hey, you and I look at... You have a nickname. You definitely have nicknames for the Dolphins. Hey, Flippy.
Starting point is 00:58:28 I didn't say anything when I saw you taking those extra lunch breaks, right? I didn't knock on you. Squeak, squeak. Okay, so just stay cool. Alright, roll persuasion or intimidation. I'll do persuasion. I don't want to intimidate my fellow... Yeah, is it gentle parenting? Natural 20! Wow! I think Matt's on his
Starting point is 00:58:44 way to starting a new folk religion in heaven amongst the dolphins about Lincoln. Infinite P-Boy. Yeah. The man from Gallipi. The man from Gallipi. Is anything there? Sure. Is anything there?
Starting point is 00:58:56 It's no real hell spirit Halloween, but we'll take it. it so yes the dolphins all nod to you slowly and then they turn and look the other way very intentionally as if to allow you to do whatever you need to do to get around great quick let's uh let's escape i mean not escape we're no no we're not gonna escape yeah well during this past week and a half where i've clearly become friends with these dolphins they eventually did find the piece of paper that has aaryl Wilson on it, and I got the number. Right? Yeah, I feel like you certainly had the time. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:30 I want to hear, though. I just do want to hear the quick snippet of you throwing that over your shoulder as you're fucking squeezing out piss like Go-Gurt. Hey, guys. So you probably get this all the time because, obviously, I'm alive. So, obviously, I have people that I knew that are dead. And i don't know if i wanted to visit one of them like no big deal and not an important person if you guys happen to find their like a name that says darryl wilson that'd be cool squeak like you could do that for me yeah just not a big deal darryl hasn't introduced himself with a handshake to everybody in heaven yeah well that's why they
Starting point is 00:59:59 found the paper they all knew him right away they oh. They bring you a piece of paper and they hold it in front of you while you piss in their snout. And it reads, Daryl Wilson, 45, 82 North, 575 million South. And on the back, you can see all the things that he did in life. A combination of all of his greatest moments of both success and failure. His greatest loves and his greatest rivalries. And also the way he died. The only thing that kept me going through these two weeks is just how awesome this guy was.
Starting point is 01:00:31 Like, clearly this was truly an awesome, and I loved reading about my grandpa's life. What a great character. What a great character he was. Well, let me take a look at that piece of paper, Link. Sure. Why did he die? Go ahead, tell them.
Starting point is 01:00:42 Well, he died in one of the most common ways people die a pitbull what oh my god let me let me let me let me let me finish let me finish no no i guess mr worldwide no it's not people i just kind of blame the people i kind of blame the people wasn't a pitbull if he was here he'd be mad before saying that no he fell off a ladder he was taking down the christmas lights and like the neighbors and he's just happy it was just it was you know it was after he just fell it's like one of the most common ways for people that he split his head open wide open like it was very bad no yeah you know he was just taking down the christmas lights good thing though is that my well not that my business partner or not we're not partners my
Starting point is 01:01:20 i thought we were partners okay my business partner and grandma carol neither of them found him it was like one of his friends called Darnell or whatever found him on the ground. But yeah, he just died. Holy shit. It just happened. Just slipped. Hey, man, that's why you got to be careful. Look, guys, be careful when you're using ladders in the house.
Starting point is 01:01:34 Sorry, question. Question from the floor. Where's this pit? I don't see a pit bull in this story. Oh, it was Grandpa. He was up there high on the- It was Pit Bull's house? No, no.
Starting point is 01:01:43 Okay. I know your Grandpa knew Mr. Worldwide. No, he doesn't. i don't know who that is is that a dog what are you talking about yeah he's my dog i'm blasting shit all day look it's very important i care about all of you if you're on a ladder doing something in the house do not get distracted do not play with a neighbor dog down at the bottom of the ladder per se or or or do anything just go up and go down because you get too pumped up listening to Fireball and then something bad could happen. I get it now.
Starting point is 01:02:08 Yeah. Okay. Did he go timber? So if your grandpa was such good friends with Taylor's grandpa, then why was he taking down the Christmas lights? Because isn't that Christmas a big thing? Well, he waited until like- Did they have a feud or something?
Starting point is 01:02:23 Well, no. I mean, he's respectful. He waits until like February to take down the Christmas lights. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. And he puts them back up in March. I was just looking for some. Because yeah, Taylor would get bad.
Starting point is 01:02:37 Be like, hey, what's up? Okay, well, we know where he is. That's great. Feels like you and your dad need to go find your grandpa. Yeah. I kind of don't know what the rest of us are doing here. We're running interference. Feels like you and your dad need to go find your grandpa. Yeah. I kind of don't know what the rest of us are doing here. We're running interference.
Starting point is 01:02:52 If something happens, we need to move to cause distractions. Yeah, we're a group. It was so horrible being here by myself. I mean, you guys were cool. I look at the dolphins. Seriously, you got me through a lot. Or I could spend the whole time giving you a tour of heaven. We have an entire room where you can use Q-tips in your ears with no consequences.
Starting point is 01:03:10 Oh, so do I. That's called my bathroom. Oh. I think we just go find Grandpa Daryl, and we get some of that memory juice or whatever, and then we go to whoever's grandpa's next. You're all here because we're a team, so let's just do this, and then we'll get out here well lead the way ron oh you seem to know your way around here yeah and we're on the coordinates sure okay so as we're going here we're gonna turn left and then if you look out you'll see a lovely view of the sky after all this is heaven we're at a cruising altitude of
Starting point is 01:03:42 millions and millions of miles above wherever anybody who isn't here is. Make sure to tip your tour guide on the way out. Are you our tour guide, Ron? Tour guide, Ron. And so in this next building, you'll see a bunch of people who look like the regular angels that you might, well, I mean, average angels that you might see at Christmas time with the wings and the halos. They're actually like kind of the meanest, you know, B words ever.
Starting point is 01:04:12 I wouldn't, I wouldn't go hang out with them. Why not? What's wrong with them? Hey, Mary. Hey. Hey. What's up, Ronnie? Both Marys say hey to you. Hey, Marys.
Starting point is 01:04:24 I'm just passing through. I'm the Mary who tells the truth. I know. I'm the Mary who lies. Yeah, I know. But that means you just told the truth. Or did I? I'm the Mary that says or is it at the end of every sentence.
Starting point is 01:04:41 Sowing confusion and doubt riddled me this idiot. Ronnie, are you looking for where Mr. Darrell Wilson is? That's true. And then if you could let me pass without a judgment on my business practices, that would be appreciated. It's been a little bullying in the past. I'll have to admit it.
Starting point is 01:04:59 But your business didn't do very well. I know, but I'm a strong, capable man, capable of doing any business i set my mind to but you tried to make beer that tasted like feet yeah and and you know what it gave me a ground to stand on literally and i would do it again mr stampler yeah do you know where we're going it's okay if you don't i kind of just gave you the sheet because i assumed i didn't mean to assume yeah if you don't know where you're going it's okay you make an ass out of uh you and some guy named soon so i don't know where we're going i'm sorry oh okay all right so with the coordinates on the piece of paper you got from the ocean of paper you can pretty easily find where daryl wilson
Starting point is 01:05:41 is well not that easily you know yeah you require a little bit of Ron's help. What are some of the myriad sights of heaven? Do we walk by some public courtyards? No, so what you find is that basically there is a seemingly infinite number of doors that all have different names on them. And not in alphabetical order. That's got to be a nightmare.
Starting point is 01:05:59 Any funny names? Funny names. Oh, yeah. Let me look up the funny names that I've got. You see a door that says freddy spaghetti i want crack open very spaghetti okay i just want to get a sense of what's in there first of all freddy spaghetti was sent to us by jake thank you jake second of all you open the door and you find a man nude in a pool of noodles like from patch adams just moaning in absolute
Starting point is 01:06:19 ecstasy writhing back and forth covered in spaghetti sauce oh sorry and i close the door guys it's okay if i just check i just want to know if that is heaven or like that's his heaven so i'm just gonna open up two doors you need to check two doors of verify it's like that it's like that light bulb riddle where you gotta turn them on switch on you gotta leave it off was that like custom heaven or is that just what heaven is everyone's kids in the room so i open up the next door all right which i don't know this one belongs to cherry cheesecake that was sent to us by chelsea thank you chelsea she's driving around in a big pool of noodles as well oh no i guess it must feel good if like if that is what heaven is they wouldn't make it if people
Starting point is 01:07:00 two is a trend three is a pattern i open another door let's not do one right next to it let's do a little bit farther maybe this is like the whole way there we go can we walk like a half a mile you walk a little bit further and the smell of marinara slowly begins to dissipate you we should have known something was up when it's not like a book at a bad house you find a door that says fufa welder flam which was sent to us by ben holman thank you ben all right normal you opening this one up first. I don't want to... The last two kind of rocked my world a little bit. I opened the door. You see a loving father playing in a field with his two daughters.
Starting point is 01:07:32 They are playing catch. And then he opens a door to go into his home and there is a big pool of noodles inside. Let's get out of here. Let's go find out. No, we'll see what Grandpa Daryl's up to. There's an objective wonder to being nude in a pile of noodles. I'm glad you're figuring that out now when you've still got some life to live.
Starting point is 01:07:53 Don't do anything you'll regret. Yeah, we all could have just been living in heaven down on earth at any moment, I guess. Heaven was within our grasp this whole time. All we had to do was go to an old spaghetti factory and make some demands so you find daryl wilson's door what's his door look like did he put a whiteboard on it fathead on it of fucking tom brady dude i think it's up to matt what would be on his door sure i mean i think it's i don't think he changed the front of the door i think the door looks the same as all the other doors that hinge that hinge though no squeaks sure there's no squeaks on that door i'm gonna barely crack the
Starting point is 01:08:26 door open and then go uh grandpa uh just are you decent we've seen a lot of stuff so what do you think matt uh-huh if we were coming in on daryl during one of his happiest moments what do you think we would see probably be pile of spaghetti spaghetti he's eating a big pile of spaghetti but he's fully clothed he's at a dinner table and he's with i don't know how heaven works because i guess you know carol's not dead so carol's not there and neither is grant but like can he be with like them is that how that works so i feel like the way that it works is that before they get there you can be with simulacrums of them that you get from your memories so it's not the real them so they're like kind of like outlines of them or a little bit or like hologram type versions now he'd be waiting for them so then he's no he's not eating
Starting point is 01:09:12 spaghetti he is in their home but it's perfectly cleaned and he's just working out and you see like there's like all over the kitchen there's just a lot of like cookbooks and stuff and he's just like humming to himself and he goes hey bud get, get on in here. And it's like, Oh grandpa, what are you doing? It's like, Oh, you know, just getting ready for when it's time for, you know, great. Oh, Hey Grant. Yeah. You know, I mean, I know, I know you're not dead, but like once you get here or Carol gets here, let's just say like the food in the Wilson household is going to be fucking top notch. Sorry. I'm still cursed. It can be top notch and I'm going to be fit. Check this out down 20 pounds. I know it doesn't matter, but not gonna show you but like when carol lifts the shirt
Starting point is 01:09:47 up oh it's gonna be heaven let's just tell you that much um yeah i'm just getting ready for when you guys get here i just want heaven to be as good as possible yeah there's not much when you get here but i'm making this like sir are you cooking spaghetti uh yeah of course i'm just cooking spaghetti you don't just cook spaghetti you perfect spaghetti and that's what i'm doing right now son grant with tears in his eyes pushes past everybody and embraces his father daryl oh bud hey how's it going he says i'm so glad you're not in a swimming pool spaghetti oh yeah no that's like the first week or so and like it was like i admit it's pretty nice but i knew you're not a big spaghetti fan so you know you know, I started being like, well, what else? What other food could like you live in?
Starting point is 01:10:28 And then I was like, why am I living in food? I know it's heaven, but like I can make house. So anyways, hey, I'm getting it ready. But you're not dead, right? No, no, no, I'm not dead. We're here to basically get into your memories and get some daddy magic off of you. And I was wondering if there are any memories that you had. I was actually kind of thinking maybe that time right before I was going to get married,
Starting point is 01:10:44 where you and I had that talk on sort of even my wedding how's marky is he crushing it still is he just yeah he's crushing it how are you two doing he's he's now so i mean you guys were great yeah yeah yeah he's he's a really good dad he's he's taking care of my business partner uh really well and link steps out he, hey, Grandpa, I'm actually, you know, no disrespect to you, but my name is is is Mr. Kix now. And he puts the hand out and then Darrell's like, oh, I guess I regret like what's going on here. It's like he's going through a phase, I hope. Ah, I know those phases. Hey, it's not a phase. It's who he is. Oh, yeah. OK, well, come on, Grant, buddy. You were through a couple phases yourself. Yeah, I'm trying to be patient.
Starting point is 01:11:27 Okay. Well, hey, put it right there, business partner. I'm sure you and your business partner here, Mr. Grant, are going to come up with some great ideas. What sort of business is this? What are you doing? Did somebody say business? Hey, Coach Wilson. Hey, buddy.
Starting point is 01:11:41 Ron! I didn't think they'd let you back in here. What happened? I didn't think they would let you back in here. What happened? I didn't think they would either, but we kind of snuck in. You know how sneaky this is my speciality, but I got to say, it was all these kids. Couldn't have got here without them. Don't ask how we got here. Okay, well, I guess, I mean, I got all the time in the world.
Starting point is 01:12:00 So, yeah, we could go. What do you need from me? Do you need me to spit in a jar or something? Yeah, we need to basically access do you need from me? Do you need me to spit in a jar or something? What's. Yeah, we need to basically access a really important daddy memory of yours, and then we can leech the daddy magic out of your brain. So if boss kicks could hand me the jar that we've been collecting the daddy magic in. Yeah. Linga gives Grant the jar.
Starting point is 01:12:19 Okay. Then we can proceed with the extraction. Grant puts the jar up to your face and we zoom into your memories and everybody else comes along for the ride. You feel as if you were within Daryl Wilson's memories and you see that you are on a beautiful beach on the coast of Florida. You can see that there are a bunch of decorations. It looks like there's an altar. There's a little trellis, a bunch of decorations it looks like there's an altar there's a little trellis a bunch of chairs being set up and grant is nervously pacing back and forth inside a hotel room overlooking all of that while his father sits on the bed next to him and grant says like
Starting point is 01:12:59 i just don't i don't know if i can i don't know he wants a kid and i know i can't i can't be hey hey dad i can't be like you were so good at it hey but i can't match up to that hey hey hey okay hey before you worry about kid let's just uh let's just worry about your tie right there you're pacing around you're moving that thing come on here i come over and i start tightening his tie dad i know what a tie a tie well i mean you know evidence to the contrary. Look, look. Hey, hey, look at me. You love him, right? Of course I do. Okay.
Starting point is 01:13:28 So then that's all you need for right now, right? Tomorrow will be another day that you decide to love him. And you guys will figure out what you want that day. And the next day will be the same thing. And maybe right now you're, you got a lot going on. Maybe you don't want a kid right now. And maybe tomorrow you don't. Maybe the next day you don't.
Starting point is 01:13:44 But what if I'm just wasting his time? What if he should be with somebody who's sure that they can be a good dad? Do you trust him? Yeah. Has he chosen you? I don't trust his judgment all the time because he chose me.
Starting point is 01:13:55 So there must be something a little bit off with him, right? Look, I've been told, and you know, I don't know if I stand by this, but I've been told that every relationship has got the overachiever and the settler. And me and you, let's be honest, we're the overachievers.
Starting point is 01:14:10 Our partners are the settlers. Yeah. And it can be hard. It can be hard to accept that. But the worst thing you do is question their judgment about it because they're already settling for you. They're already doing it. The only thing you can do is just share is give back that love. And you have to be confident yourself. And that's the hardest thing of all the things
Starting point is 01:14:27 you're going to have to do. The hardest thing you have to do is love yourself as much as Marco loves you, because that's what he wants. And that's what he deserves. And you know, he's amazing. And I know he's amazing. So just give that to him. You know, you're, you're right. I think that I do need to love myself to be in a relationship and i don't think i'm capable of that so i think i'm just gonna tell him that it's off i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna tell him that it's off uh because i can't i don't know if i can do this and in that moment scam likely appears out of the ether and says i've got a wedding present for you uh daryl's like scam what the nope nope never mind i don't want to know i don't
Starting point is 01:15:05 want to know it's my son's wedding just just you can leave i got you an all expenses paid cruise on the titanic and he hands you a couple of tickets and very suddenly you and daryl and the entire wedding party find yourselves back in the 19 early 1900s on the ship Titanic heading straight towards an iceberg. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better Than ourselves
Starting point is 01:15:39 Used to tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies that we sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow
Starting point is 01:16:14 Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlo.
Starting point is 01:16:46 And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Corten Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.
Starting point is 01:16:58 Special thanks this week to Matthew M., Jake, and Chelsea, Patreon supporters who provided names that we used during this episode. Jake and Chelsea, Patreon supporters who provided names that we used during this episode in this podcast, by the way, is directly supported by Patreon, by people like Mackenzie Smith, Madiz Rad, Alyssa Katucci, Clay Hill, Cesar Trevino, Heather Nicole Rowlands, Daniel Frey, Matt Parker, Austin English, Brooks Bryan, Sean Boyle, Aaron Lowell, Thomas Sear, Aaron Murphy, Jason Salamone, Samuel Cashin, Laura Towle, Nathaniel Rogers, Carissa Badenoch, and Mary C. Thanks to everybody who came out to see us on our West Coast tour. We had a blast. The crowds were rowdy, horny, and according to the venues we were at, remarkably clean and well-behaved.
Starting point is 01:17:34 So good job. We'll be putting up content from those live shows on our Patreon. So if you missed out and want a piece of the action, you can get that at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. I'm sitting here editing those live shows as we speak. There you will find ad-free episodes, our after show, Teen Talk slash Talking Dad, where in our most recent episode, we regale you with stories from the road and the tour bus. Also new on Patreon this past week, Matt and Beth sat down and piled out a new mini podcast called The Christerion Collection. Welcome to The Christerion Collection, a podcast where a recovering Catholic, that's Matt,
Starting point is 01:18:02 and an ex-episcopalian, that's me, take a dive into the ever-growing ocean of religious movies. We're also a couple of, you know, like, leftists who work in the film industry, so we're kind of curious about the history of the audience and the goals of these movies. Love that. For the first episode, they watch the Christian movie classic God's Not Dead.
Starting point is 01:18:20 In addition to that, final touches are going on for And Dad There Were None, The Daddith of Christy, Who Dadded It?, which is going to be a mystery mini series available to patrons at every level get all of that and more and support this podcast directly at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our twitter is dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com our merch is store.dungeonsanddaddies.com our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies and our next episode is coming at you september 25th we will see you then. I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way

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