Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 43 - Attack on Titanic

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

This episode happens in the year 1912!This episode contains Violence, Sexual Content, and Profanity.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!...Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Taylor, I'm in position. Northeast side of the pearly gates. Excellent, Link. From here, you'll be able to open the piss portal from heaven into hell and let the rest of the team in. There's only one problem, Taylor. There's a biblically accurate angel hovering above. It's waiting for me to pee. Careful, Link. If you start peeing now... I know. I won't be able to stop the stream. And that'll be the end of this mission, because angels will know when your bladder is empty
Starting point is 00:00:32 and you're lying to them. Hmm. That might make breaking everyone into heaven and meeting my grandpa Darrell Wilson and getting his memory daddy magic to save the doodler from Willie a little bit more challenging. Link, do you know Dr. Arnold Kegel? Are you referring to the American gynecologist Arnold Henry Kegel, the assistant professor of gynecology at the Keck School of Medicine at USC? Correct, but beyond teaching medical students in Southern California, do you know what he's known for? No, I don't.
Starting point is 00:01:03 Three years after Emperor Hirohito surrendered to the Allies at the end of World War II, ending Japan's involvement in the war in the Pacific, Arnold Kegel invented a series of exercises designed to strengthen the muscles in the pelvic floor. He called them Kegels. That does sound useful, but what does that have to do with the mission? Dr. Kegel was studying how pelvic floor exercises could help prevent systocele, rectocele, and urinary stress incontinence. However, he also found numerous benefits to working out the muscles in your pelvic floor, including an above-average ability to regulate urine flow. So you're saying with Kegels, I'll be able to start peeing, but
Starting point is 00:01:41 able to continue peeing so I don't have to tell an angel I need to pee, and then I won't be lying. That way I'll be able to operate in heaven without being impeded. Exactly, Link. Impeded. What's going on, Link? Link, is everything all right? Everything's fine. I'm just doing Kegels now, and it's working. Excellent, Link. We'll see you on the other side. Piss boy out. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. What is it then? This is a podcast about teenage problems. Well, we just lost half of our viewers.
Starting point is 00:02:25 That's the best one yet. If you're having teen problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 100,000 other podcasts you should listen to. What a sit-ain't-one. Am I right? Pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good.
Starting point is 00:02:36 This is a story of four teens who got married and then have to fix all the problems that their grandparents did. What an unfair burden on these teens. Truly, the heroes. God gives his greatest battles unfair burden on these teens. Truly the heroes. God gives his greatest battles to his mightiest teens. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the ranger teen of the group,
Starting point is 00:02:53 who's maybe respeccing, once he looks at some help documentation on dndbeyond.com. Something the writers are fighting for right now is there's too much respec work going on in Hollywood. Terrible. This week's teen fact, Taylor knows the Titanic like the back of his fucking hand
Starting point is 00:03:09 because the Titanic, all of its details were detailed in a Pixar animated film that Taylor's a huge fan of. Okay. It's called Boats. It's called Pixar's Boats. And it's about the Titanic. Well, it's the hero boat.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. No, I can't. So it'd be about the Carpathia, who is the boat that came and rescued the people from the Titanic. But it's like everybody's down on the Carpathia. And then finally, the biggest, mightiest boat sinks.
Starting point is 00:03:40 And who needs to step up but the Carpathia? Yeah, yeah. That's it. Pixar's Boats. Pixar's Boats. Pixar's Boats. No, no, but the Carpathia. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Pixar's boats. Pixar's boats. Pixar's boats. No, no, but it was like boats. I'm just imagining a movie about like a little like Titanic Junior,
Starting point is 00:03:52 but like being like a classic Disney orphan. You know what I mean? Oh, Titanic Junior is like a little tow boat. And my dad's a Titanic. I can pull my dad. It's like your dad's at the bottom of the ocean. Guess what? Now you have to live with your mean uncle.
Starting point is 00:04:04 Oh, the mean uncle is just like a schooner with sale like from the age of sale anyway anyway hey everybody my name is matthew's quality really dropped off hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play the future soccer star lincoln boss kicks schooled in a prison mind freed by his friends and now a paladin to his spouses can we get a prison, mind-freed by his friends, and now a paladin to his spouses. Can we get a Free Your Mind clip from The Matrix in there just as an audio drop? Free your mind. Can we also get a mind freak? Lincoln M. Kicks, mind freak.
Starting point is 00:04:38 Little known fact about Lincoln when he's stuck in his homeschooled prison. One thing he never learned anything about, either the feature film or the historical event, is the Titanic for some reason. He knows nothing. He knows nothing about the Titanic. The only thing he knows about the Titanic is that it's a synonym for large.
Starting point is 00:04:57 He just thinks, yeah, it's a big. He took Latin. People use the term, that was a Titanic success. He's like, yeah, I get it. I thought this was the biggest quiznos subsize interesting by the way interesting little thing about that titan right a titan titanic like a titan yeah anyway yeah okay is that interesting i thought it was really interesting pretty basic that's just saying what the titanic is well yeah but like but like, but like instead, but we'll like, does it mean like a Matt in Latin class
Starting point is 00:05:28 must have been as the original Latin of that Madonna song is Ica virgin. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal, low perky,
Starting point is 00:05:39 peppy, chipper, cherry school spirit, mascot kid, Titanic themed fact about normal this week is that normal does not know anything about the titanic either because he can never tell the titanic and the rms lusitania apart that was the one that was sunk by u-boats on may 7th 1915 right and it's like no that's the
Starting point is 00:05:58 lusitania normal classic normal goof there you go so silly. My name is Beth May, and I play Scary Marley, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. She doesn't want to care anymore. Fun fact about Scary this week is that Scary is unknowingly, no, I think she must know. Wait, I don't know if she knows or not. Let's see. You're the god of scary.
Starting point is 00:06:29 I really am. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't know that she's the benefactor of extreme generational wealth. What? That's right. Her step-grandfather, Ron Stampler, went into business with his friend, Beth May,
Starting point is 00:06:48 on a great object. And people bought it. They bought his objects. And this object is the unsinkable love float for two. That's right. It's a door-shaped pool float with just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean. There's plenty of room.
Starting point is 00:07:06 Nobody has to get in the water. Wait, what does it look like? Beth is literally reading the copy. I'm not. I'm staring at Will. She's reading the press announcement directly into camera. There's a camera here filming an infomercial. It's shaped like the door from the major motion picture Titanic, which is actually based on a bit of side paneling.
Starting point is 00:07:24 That's a real sort of object from the Titanic itself. But, you know, James Cameron in his infinite wisdom changed it to a door. Great on him. Big fan. And so, yeah, Ron went into business with Beth May to make these pool floats, and he made millions and millions of dollars. That's how he could afford that tour to the Titanic. Yeah. Did he fuck over Beth May and the business partnership
Starting point is 00:07:50 and she's left penniless? Like where'd all that money go? No, Beth is really, really rich. Beth is rich and happy too. Wait, so why doesn't Scary know that she should be rich? Is it because Beth's hoarding all the money now that Ron's dead? Yes.
Starting point is 00:08:03 Beth went to Ron and said like, I'll be your business manager. We have to do a fucking one-shot where the teens have to spend a night in Beth May's haunted mansion. Oh, shit. Called the Immortal Soul Salvage Yard because there's a bunch of spooky ghosts in there.
Starting point is 00:08:16 I'm a big fan of our NPC, Beth May, having millions of dollars that are rightfully scary that she's hanging on to after Ron Stamper died. Beth has created a mansion like the Winchester house this fall. These crazy doors to keep ghosts
Starting point is 00:08:28 from bothering her. Love it. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, Papa. Daddy's sick. If I sound different, it's yeah,
Starting point is 00:08:34 it's because I got the rona. So I'm separate. And one of the not known symptoms of COVID is not being funny. So that's what I'm going to rely on as my excuse
Starting point is 00:08:44 for this episode. Guys, I didn't know it, but I have long COVID since before the podcast started. Can we all say we have COVID then? Nope, it's just me and Beth. That's stolen valor, Matthew. You're right.
Starting point is 00:08:57 I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're sick, Anthony. I am too. I think I got sick doing a charity thing, which is evidence from God that I should never step outside my lane. That's not right, God. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:14 So when we last left you, you had gone into the memory of Grant and Daryl Wilson as part of your ongoing quest to collect enough daddy magic to send Dude, your eldritch friend, back to the dimension from whence they came. The memory that you saw was Grant on his wedding night. Oh, God! Talking to Daryl about how he was too scared to be with somebody and that he didn't quite know if he wanted to marry Marco because Marco was too good for him. In that moment, Scam actually appeared and gifted everybody in the scene with an all expense paid trip to the Titanic on its maiden voyage. Scam actually goes, yes, yes, you're welcome.
Starting point is 00:09:54 It's the most famous ship in all the world, in your world anyway, and I thought you would love it. A little early honeymoon. Wait, what are you four doing here? And he looks and sees, when you look at each other, the teens, you see yourselves dressed like old timey like 1910s teens.
Starting point is 00:10:09 Oh, I've got no drip. Oh my God. I should go to the hospital. Oh my God. I think I'm pulling off this newsboy cap. What do you guys think? Actually, yeah,
Starting point is 00:10:18 it looks pretty good. Actually, I mean, yeah, I guess. Oh, wow. What's dude dressed as? Dude is dressed in a very tasteful newsboy outfit or newsbaby outfit that covers up all the curves
Starting point is 00:10:29 but leaves a lot to the imagination. The dream. I'm looking at pictures of 1910s teenage fashion. It's just 1940s old man fashion. It's just straight up. It looks like three ad men, but they're supposedly teenagers, so I guess that's
Starting point is 00:10:46 what we look like. I think Link looks straight up like he's been shoveling coal into the ship. He's already got dirt on his sheets. You think he's wearing a black shirt,
Starting point is 00:10:53 but he's actually shirtless but just covered in soot. He's just got torn up pants and he's just sweating and his hair is like singed. He's like, oh God. One last detail though because Taylor,
Starting point is 00:11:04 coming a little bit from the Asian perspective. No, he does not look the way you think that he looks. Whatever you're imagining, it's not that. I'm just looking at some photos. Freddie gets to do whatever he wants with his character. Let's just say there's some sleeves. And an interesting hairdo. Yeah, to paint us a picture.
Starting point is 00:11:24 How does Taylor look? I think Taylor looks like straight up, if you don't mind me saying, a Chinaman of the period, as they say. According to Getty Images, this is a typical look. Freddie, I don't know what would be more offensive, me supporting you in this or me saying you can't do this. I'm just going to stay quiet.
Starting point is 00:11:42 Chinese people existed at the turn of the century. There's nothing offensive. I'll tell you what, though. I don't think any of them were on the Titanic. I know what picture. It's not offensive. It's offensive that you find it funny. That's what it is.
Starting point is 00:11:53 Hold on. Let me just check if there are any Chinese people in the Titanic. Freddie Grant has white people. Forgive me. Literally, there were six Chinese people on Titanic. And to be fair, the pictures of them, they are in some dapper suits. So Taylor is in a dapper suit as the seventh of the six people who are on the titanic wow i didn't know this well okay um mr likely so like wait is this the memory what happened why how are we here
Starting point is 00:12:15 like we can't be here so grant grabs scam actually by his multicolored collar and he goes what did you do why are we what where are we and scam goes it's a honeymoon present the titanic it's the most famous human ship i thought you'd love it the tit honeymoon present, the Titanic. It's the most famous human ship. I thought you'd love it. The Titanic is famous for a reason. Where's Marco? I don't know. He's on here somewhere. I guess you should find him.
Starting point is 00:12:32 Do you need me to take you back? Yes, of course I need you to take me back. Okay, well, I guess if you can find something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue, then I can use those to bring you back to your own time. Off you go. And Grant goes, where the fuck, Marco? Marco!
Starting point is 00:12:49 And he starts running. Oh, Grant, dad. Grant looks back with confusion in his eyes at the child saying dad and Scam goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no. So you all are from the future. I'm assuming you were looking at his memory or something. Yeah. Yeah. We're from the present. You know us. You've met us. Well, not yet. Time doesn't quite work that way for me. So here's the thing. You can't create a paradox. This is just a memory of somebody to you. So you can't go and change anything too crazily. Oh, OK.
Starting point is 00:13:13 So like, we're fine. Like, we're not really here. Like, we're not here, right? We're like, no, you're here for sure. You're here for realsies. And you'll drown if you don't get off the Titanic. How's that work? But he looks at Daryl and he goes, I mean, you're feeling good, though right? Yeah. Well, okay. Well, scam. Hey, bud, this is kind of coming
Starting point is 00:13:28 back to me. I don't think I was here. Like, can you bring us back? Like, I really appreciate my grandkid not dying on the Titanic before I even met. Yeah, buddy. I'll make a deal with you. Don't worry, kiddos. I got this covered. As Daryl and Ron say this, they begin to fade away and you hear an angelic voice go. Oh, no. Oh, God. Which you interpret as they found out that you're trying to leave heaven by jumping into a memory, and you're being pulled back.
Starting point is 00:13:56 I yell back. I'm like, hey, we didn't do it on purpose. We're coming back. Just calm down. I put my name on the out list, and then I'll put it on the in list when I'm back in. Ron, I think you got to play it cool because you already got in trouble for actually escaping last time. I'm just such a bad boy.
Starting point is 00:14:11 You are. I mean, you can't be that bad. You made it up there. Mr. Ron, if they let bad boys in heaven, I guess there still is hope for a guy like me. Absolutely not, kiddo. And with that, Ron fades away. Oh, no, Ron. Just, you should just get on a lifeboat.
Starting point is 00:14:26 Hold your breath a really long time. What? Oh, no, I don't want to tell you anything. I watched that primer. Ignore everything I said. I shouldn't change the timeline. Maybe you're supposed to die. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Oh, no. I think Daryl said it was maybe you're supposed to die. Oh, God. Okay. So we're here. So we're on the Titanic. We can die. Which means any minute now, you boats are going to show up and torpedo the ship.
Starting point is 00:14:49 No. Norm, that's not how it works. We run into an iceberg, and then it's like, it hits the sun. Scary, you're thinking of the Lusitania. As you say iceberg, you hear in the distance a voice cry out, iceberg, run ahead. And then there's a rumble. There's a rumble beneath your feet as the ship bounces up against something. And it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. It just feels like there's a little rock beneath your feet as the ship bounces up against something. And it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
Starting point is 00:15:06 It just feels like there's a little rock under your feet. That's not a big deal. I'm sure they bumped into stuff on the Lusitania before the U-boat. We got to get out of here, though. No, wait. We can't. Stop. Don't move.
Starting point is 00:15:16 Don't touch anything. Don't step on any butterflies. Don't do anything. This is a memory, right? Yeah. But Grant, my dad, they made it. I think we just have to accept we're supposed to die here what if we do anything we might stop like right like we can't do anything because if
Starting point is 00:15:33 we do something they might change what happened and grant and marco they did make it no no no what if they made it because of stuff that we did oh god that's the part how do we know what happened what is death but the ending of consciousness so if we die in these bodies where our consciousness might end yeah that's i think that's what death is scary well hold on you're like super goth though right and like you should kind of like is this the first time you've realized that death means that like you die i mean it'd be super metal if we did but i'm'm just saying that like, it doesn't have to be like the end of everything. You know,
Starting point is 00:16:05 it would actually be more metal if like we continued living, but wanting death. Well, listen up folks, do it. Listen up folks, you happen to be in the employ of one of the greatest Titanic trivia historians this world has ever seen.
Starting point is 00:16:20 Just follow my lead and we'll be fine. Wait, scam likely says something about grants going going to go Mr. Mr. Wilson is going to go get a bunch of like something new something borrowed something blue whatever so like I guess you're right we don't know if we did help in the past or whatnot I guess the best thing we can do is do our best to make sure that my dad stay alive okay so how many people died wait you guys seem to know what you're talking about like this boat yeah like 1700 people died on this 1496 guys seem to know what you're talking about. Correct. Like this boat. Yeah, like 1,700 people died on this boat. 1,496 people died.
Starting point is 00:16:48 Like you guys just know about like their engagement wedding or whatever. No, no. Why would we know about your dad's engagement wedding? Why do you know about this boat? I assume like my dad must have told you about it or something. Oh, no. Dude. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:59 Wait, you've never seen Titanic? I mean, I've seen things that are Titanic. God. Okay. No, I mean like the story of timeless love. Yeah, go ahead if you're going to do that. Next to the Joker, the ultimate story of timeless love. That's true.
Starting point is 00:17:13 That's very true. Okay, so Titanic's frequently on the top ten list of all movies of all time right next to the Joker. Here's what you need to know. The Titanic was an ocean liner that was launched by the Cunard line in 1906 and held the Blue Ribbon Appalachian for the fastest Atlantic crossing in 1908. No, that's the Lusitania.
Starting point is 00:17:30 No, I'm pretty sure I got this right. There's a Royal Navy blockade going on. It's the evil World War I. Don't listen to these nerds. Here's what you need to know. Don't listen to these nerds. Here's what you need to know. And then Taylor raises his voice so everyone hears.
Starting point is 00:17:46 67% of everyone will be dead in just a few hours. Okay, but what you really need to know is like the hottest girl ever meets the hottest boy ever. And she's in first class. And he is right here.
Starting point is 00:18:01 No, not you. Does Hermie look exactly like Jack T jack toxin yes oh he's got like a sketchbook and everything yeah and scary yeah scary to just like stop talking oh okay scary okay so scam oh this this feels like scam so that my dads are on a boat that sinks in the past is what you're saying yes yes because my shitty dad is a stupid idiot and we're on that boat too oh okay yeah okay. Yeah, that is... Oh, fuck. Yeah, Hermie, what's up with your dad?
Starting point is 00:18:27 He sucks is what's up with him. That's why I wanted to kill him and you guys narked on me and decided not to kill him. Oh, that's true. Well, I'm kind of regretting that choice right now. Hey, Hermie, I just want to say your anger at your dad is valid.
Starting point is 00:18:37 And I'm sorry that I was like, don't kill your dad because now it seems like we're all going to die. But you guys know what happened. So let's just go talk to the captain. It's simple. All we have to do is go find the captain and get him a notice about the u-boats that are coming to sink the ship right no i mean okay no
Starting point is 00:18:52 the captain already saw all these iceberg warnings right but he's like nah i want to set a record oh that's right we're on the lusitania okay i got it i'm up to speed all right so no we need an audience with the captain yeah yeah let's go tell them to not sink. It feels like the sooner he knows, that's bad. But remember, we can't alter the timeline. We can't alter history. You just said that we could, though. Because I suggested we do nothing, and you said we can't do that.
Starting point is 00:19:16 So let's go. What about this? Hear me out. What if we just go follow your dad from a safe distance? He's going to go do the stuff, and if it seems like he's not going to be able to do any of the things, then we step in discreetly to do the thing, and then it gets done. And we can't save the other people? They're gone. Oh, yeah, man.
Starting point is 00:19:32 The bulkhead doors only go up to E-Deck, man. Oh, God. Okay. The water spills over. It's really like there's no, like, you guys know your history, because you seem conflicted, the two of you. Now that I know we're on the Lusitania, not the Titanic, it's all clear to me. The Lusitania hit an an iceberg and it's all good to go so we're all the same page so it's we're fine okay we won't save them now wink but for now let's follow my dad okay
Starting point is 00:19:54 maybe we should tell people that it's sinking though right as we go right yeah yeah yeah definitely hey everyone in here just to be clear you're gonna want in this room anthony who's in Maybe we should tell people that it's sinking, though, right as we go, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Hey, everyone in here, just to be clear. You're going to want to be. Who's in this room, Anthony? Who's in the room with us? You're on the deck, so it's a bunch of people out enjoying the sea air. It's cold as shit out here. There's two fucking guys playing soccer with a chunk of the ice.
Starting point is 00:20:17 I was literally about to say the soccer thing was going to happen. Link starts running after his dad. Then he sees a soccer game going on. And he's like, the boat's sinking. The boat's sinking. The boat's sinking. Or not. Whatever you think I said back then, it happened. Just go near the lifeboats.
Starting point is 00:20:30 Whoa. And then I see the ice. And I fucking do a cool, I try to do a rainbow with it. I want to join the game. As you head towards the two deckhands playing soccer with a big chunk of ice, you see that one of them has in his hand what looks to be a bottle of some very old aged whiskey and it seems to be glowing a light purple color. Bro, the ship's sinking and you deckhands are playing soccer with whiskey?
Starting point is 00:20:51 And drinking on the job. That's wild, bro. But this is pre-OSHA. I can't do an Irish accent, but imagine this is a non-offensive Irish accent that I'm speaking in. Actually, in Ireland, it's O'Shea. With my 18 athletics, I kick the ice up
Starting point is 00:21:07 and I hold it on my foot and I say, I don't play. I play hard. I play. I won't play. I won't play soccer. Faith and Bacari,
Starting point is 00:21:13 I really lost that sentence, didn't you? I'd like to do an Arcana roll on this glove because I'm just like, purple is like, you know,
Starting point is 00:21:22 the purple vibes are purple in this show. So I'm going to go ahead and roll Arcana. I'm going to roll purpleness. I got a nine. You're so purple coated. I'm so purple coated. You're maroon peeled and purple coated.
Starting point is 00:21:33 And with a nine, you can tell that there is some magic associated with this particular bottle that he is holding. The bottle's like, this is the skin of a killer Bella. Sorry. That's actually, you know what? I think that people will listen okay wait don't don't cut it from the episode i think that people will enjoy it so there i'm just gonna leave it at that can we enjoy it can you tell us do you know how many fucking stupid gamer references beth has to put up with on this show
Starting point is 00:22:01 we cannot understand something beth said for once okay Okay? It's fine. I'll Google it. I want to know. No, we can have the experience of having a bunch of people explain it to us online afterwards. I think that sounds great. Anybody else want to roll Arcana? I will. If we were dogs, you'd be rolling Barkana. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's an 11.
Starting point is 00:22:20 Alright, with an 11. Jesus Christ, Frederick. Roll Arcana to save us. You get disadvantage on your next roll for that joke. Don't worry. Jesus Christ, Frederick. With an 11. We'll work on it to save us. You get disadvantaged on your next roll for that joke. Don't worry. I know exactly where we are. That's an 18 plus 220. Freddie's like, do you know that if a cat was a doctor,
Starting point is 00:22:34 it would practice meowed a sin and then expects us to be like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, I don't expect anything from anybody at this point. It's just that we weren't talking about dogs. That's what made it so out of the square. So with an 18, you can tell that this is the something old in the spell that this game likely requires to send everyone back.
Starting point is 00:22:53 Now, is it the bottle or is it the booze? Is it the bottle or is it the booze? It is the... Interesting. It is the booze. Okay. And they're drinking it? Hey, stop drinking!
Starting point is 00:23:05 Oh, wait. Guys, I can't even notice that. It's the 1910s. I don't it? Hey, stop drinking! Oh, wait. It's the 1910s. I don't think you're going to have much luck with that, my friend. Oh, I'm so cold. If only I had a little hot drink to warm me up. All right, roll persuasion. Okay. Try and look as consumptive as possible, Beth.
Starting point is 00:23:20 Okay, so that's a 13 plus 5, which is 18. And I say, oh, normally daddy won't let me have a drink, but he said if I was a good girl and my fever was down, I'd be able to have a little sip because it's so cold outside. Scary, where did that come from? Scary, holy cow. You're a thespian. Hermie is taking a back at your acting skills.
Starting point is 00:23:44 Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, I took like, you know, beginner drama. Oh, wow. What the fuck is going on? The deckhand says, ah, this will bring a bit of color back to your cheeks, won't it? And gives you a sip of the- And I hold it in my mouth.
Starting point is 00:23:59 I don't swallow it. For the rest of the show. Okay, I look for a cup or something. Beth has taken a sip of liquid death and is currently holding it in her mouth. Inside, there's the saloon deck. The whole deck? Damn, these motherfuckers partied. D-Deck was the saloon deck on the real Titanic.
Starting point is 00:24:15 I'm not making that up. Whoa. And yes, there are many glasses and things. Porter is like, excuse me, I believe the children are meant to be on the lower decks. You must be lost. We need a cup, sir. We need a cup for our friend. Her tooth is broken. And certainly not the child
Starting point is 00:24:32 of the Chinese ambassador. And I stare the guy down. Roll deception. Three plus five, eight. It's a shame you didn't roll better because I could have done some really fun racist stuff China has no ambassador to the Titanic Surely not
Starting point is 00:24:51 To the Titanic Yeah we do We want to see how good the boats are Your people are working on trains Not the Titanic You stay in your lane and I'll stay in mine Sir, sir, he's not... They said the train-tanic
Starting point is 00:25:07 could never be derailed. Look, my friend here, she's going to throw up, so either she can throw up here on the nice carpet or just give us some sort of bucket or... Not the carpet. Yeah, just give us...
Starting point is 00:25:15 Just give us something for her to throw up in. Roll persuasion. With advantage, that's good, right? They don't want to throw up. Well, I mean, it feels like the most logical thing they would do would be like,
Starting point is 00:25:23 okay, then vomit over the side. That's what everybody else does no okay i had to swallow it yeah that's so exhausting to hold liquid in your mouth for that long with the 12th he just puts his arms out and tries to usher you back i'm gonna try and slide i'm gonna try and slide a hand i'm gonna try and slide a hand off of like a lady with a big hat. I want to steal the glass from her table. But, Matt, she needs to be a lady with a big hat so that I can
Starting point is 00:25:51 doof the hat and cause a bit of a kerfuffle to cover my sleight of hand. We shifty Orientals know how to get things done. Don't make me laugh at that word. Yeah, Will and Matt laughed. Four plus one, five.
Starting point is 00:26:07 You shove this woman and she spills her drink all over her chest and she gets up and she goes, how dare you? And she takes out her clutch.
Starting point is 00:26:14 Like the lady from Rocco's Modern Life? Yes, exactly. She takes out her clutch and she smacks you across the face with it and she goes, get these children
Starting point is 00:26:21 back under decks. What are they doing up here where people of means can see them? Anthony, I also did a slight hand roll and i got a 16 while she's saying all that you do something what did you want to do so i wanted to do one of those moves where the waiter is walking around with like the all the champagne flutes and then like as he's looking i just kind of like casually like james bond just like grab a champagne flute and just chug the whole thing down and then i just kind of like twirl it in my hand and like i hand it over to
Starting point is 00:26:44 scary and i'm like if you're gonna spew spew into this okay so this is also presumably the first and just chug the whole thing down. And then I just kind of like twirl it in my hand and like I hand it over to Scary and I'm like, if you're going to spew, spew into this. Okay, so this is also presumably the first alcohol Normals ever had? I had Henry's Hard Booch, but it has been a while. Okay. Should I make a constitution roll or something like that? Yeah, give me a constitution roll, see if we're drunk.
Starting point is 00:26:58 I got a 13. Okay, so you're not drunk. You handle your liquor like a champ. Wow. And you're fucking partying, baby. You're buzzed as hell, dog. Scary spits out the whiskey into the, or brandy, rather, into the glass. Into the glass.
Starting point is 00:27:12 Okay. Okay, we got to hold on to this. Great. That's one down. Okay, well. We need to cover it. Grant wasn't even close to that. So, like. Yeah, those guys were going to drink all of that for sure by the time he got up there.
Starting point is 00:27:20 We got to find. Your dad needs to get his act together. Well, he must, but he did make it. And he's about to let a catch like Marco slip through his fingers. I know. Well, he must... He's about to let it catch like Marco slipped through his fingers. I know. Like, seriously.
Starting point is 00:27:28 Your dad's so husband-filled. Wait a second. Link. Yeah. Do you realize what this means? What? If we had to intervene to do this,
Starting point is 00:27:35 what if your dad calls it off with Marco tonight? What if this is too much? Then you'll start fading out of existence. What if you don't exist anymore? Yeah, the memory he was expressing doubts.
Starting point is 00:27:41 I don't know. Marco's got some game. Like... Oh, my God. Don't worry about Jack and Mac and my other dad. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that once Grant goes to... memory he was expressing doubts i don't know marco's got some game like oh my god my other dad yeah i'm pretty sure that once grant goes to oh god i don't know i'm looking around like am i changing to the deck with all the cars in it and there's just a hand slamming like i feel it in my bones things are going their love their love is. I feel like they'll be okay.
Starting point is 00:28:05 But we should find them because we do need to make sure they get off the Titanic and everybody else, every other person on this boat. For sure, for sure, for sure. Anthony, as they're throwing me out of the rich people deck
Starting point is 00:28:15 because they didn't believe me, I go, good thing this ship is unsinkable. No need to get into any lifeboats. It's all ignore the lifeboat announcements. Shoot. It makes me feel that makes me feel bad, but that maybe I even sabotage them. You never know.
Starting point is 00:28:32 Everybody is terrified except for unsinkable. Molly Brown was like, I don't trust those Orientals. I think I'm going to make sure I get on a lifeboat as soon as I can. So it's like, I understand. Cause I didn't know the history. Like there was enough lifeboats and like everybody's allowed on.
Starting point is 00:28:46 Oh boy. That's not what's wrong with the sentences I said. Well, again, the lifeboats really don't come into play because after the torpedo hits. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:28:55 We're on the Housetania. Listen, scary. We can double team this. Not only where they're not enough lifeboats, not enough by half. Oh, Oh God.
Starting point is 00:29:02 They didn't even load them up efficiently. Yeah. They left loving dads on first, right? No, that's They didn't even load them up efficiently. Yeah. But they left loving dads on first, right? No, that's not what they did. They didn't even get on. No dads allowed. They straight up had no dads. Who deserves to go on more than dads?
Starting point is 00:29:15 Who did they put on first then? Well, kids. Okay, but you're not a kid if you don't have a dad. Okay. What? I mean, how could there be kids without dads? So dads should go first, and then the kids could come on afterwards and be like,
Starting point is 00:29:25 thanks dad, for letting me be on. That's not how it worked back then. That's just history. I'm not saying I agree with it. I'm just saying that that's what happened.
Starting point is 00:29:33 And then who else? Women and children went on to the bus. Okay, I mean, women are just like dads but women. So that's good.
Starting point is 00:29:37 That makes sense. But kids should be last is my point. You think children should be the last ones? We can handle ourselves. Speaking of handling ourselves, there's three more things to get. Oh, gosh, we're not going to let them on.
Starting point is 00:29:48 So Scary grabs a life vest off the wall or whatever and uses it to cover the glass and protect the glass. Ooh, that's a good idea. Nice. Yeah, we're going to have to make sure. We've got to make sure we don't spill this thing. Yeah, I just want to make it as spill-proof as possible. Let's follow.
Starting point is 00:30:03 How are we going to find Grant? So you see on the wall of the deck, you see a diagram of the ship. There are many decks on the ship. There is the promenade deck, which is only for first-class passengers, which has a lounge, a smoke room, and a reading room. The bridge deck beneath that, where the people go to sleep. The sea deck is the shelter deck for crew cabins. The D deck, where you're on now, is the saloon deck.
Starting point is 00:30:21 I run to the first porter, and I say, Sir, excuse me, I've lost my dad. Where would two men who love each other greatly and are on a honeymoon together, what part of the boat would they be on? They'd be in G-Deck for sure.
Starting point is 00:30:34 Okay, great. Thanks. Hey, thanks. Okay, guys, I think my dad's on D-Deck. I tip the guy. Oh, thank you. With what?
Starting point is 00:30:41 So here you go. What is this? It's a piece of gum. Here's a tip. Gum's delicious. And then we run off. And then as we run off, I say, make sure to tell all the other porters. Dude, but fucking, that thing's probably got like spearmint crystals, the likes of which his 1900s brain has never used.
Starting point is 00:30:57 Dude, if you gave someone five gum in the Titanic, dude. Could you imagine if you hit them with a fucking juicy fruit? I'm actually shocked that there's not a five gum commercial with the Titanic hitting the iceberg. It's like, what it's like to chew five gum. The inside of your mouth is 98 degrees, but the Titanic is much, much cooler. Does anyone remember that ad?
Starting point is 00:31:20 Winter fresh gum? It cuts to the porter like 30 seconds later after he's chewing. He goes like, oh, it's no more flavor, huh? My life has changed. Aw. So you head down to G-Deck and you see your fathers dressing themselves next to a steamy car. And there's a sketch that's incredible. Yes, there's an incredible sketch.
Starting point is 00:31:39 Oh, there's squash down here. Marco is folding up a pudding into his. Hey, sirs. Hi, kids. Hi hi we're just uh this we were just we'd lost a dog where we're looking for our dog yes marco says a dog we are looking for our dog marco you never could lie we just been informed the boat's sinking i'm sorry the boat's sinking just go yeah i've been sent by my father, the ambassador to China. It's here to tell everyone, for your own safety,
Starting point is 00:32:10 please make your way to the lifeboats now. That's right, you can't disagree with the ambassador of China. No, no, the son, the son of the ambassador of China. But you were just passing the word on because you're a good son. You're a good son. And a citizen of the world, indeed. Okay. So you two just go up and get on a boat.
Starting point is 00:32:24 I know it's sinking. I just didn't have a lot of hope for us to get out of this world, indeed. Okay. So you two just go up and get on a boat. I know it's sinking. I just didn't have a lot of hope for us to get out of this alive, frankly. Wow, that is so metal. Oh, no, that's sad. What do you mean? Yeah, just go up. Marco's like,
Starting point is 00:32:34 I keep telling you to go up. Wait, we're on the Titanic and you stop to do that? And Grant goes, I'm sorry. I just, I don't know. I'm feeling so many feelings and we're about to get married
Starting point is 00:32:43 and it's the Titanic and I feel like I fucked up and Marco goes, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Kids, make sure you get yourself to light boats as quick as you can. We will be right behind you. Thank you so much for telling us
Starting point is 00:32:54 that we are on the Titanic, he says, giving a distinct eye to Grant. Uh-oh, dad's in trouble. This is the rowdiest thing we've ever heard about Grant is that he was like, I'm not a little girl person.
Starting point is 00:33:06 And I'll be like, by the way. Now that I'm in my refractory period. Grant probably, look, I get my dad. He's probably so bummed out that he was like, oh, I don't deserve to take the spot of somebody else who was supposed to live. Like, I get it. I would feel that way maybe if I felt bad about myself. So like, yeah, just lay off of him. He's just feeling bad.
Starting point is 00:33:20 So you're saying your dad feels bad about himself? Yeah. Oh. So he doesn't, he thinks he should die in the Titanic. Which I guess he does or doesn't I don't know I don't know what what's supposed to happen
Starting point is 00:33:27 wait you don't care no of course I care what do you mean I just said I don't know what happens as you say as you say of course I care we do the
Starting point is 00:33:33 back to the future thing where the blue screened hand is in front of your face and it begins to like fade away a little bit uh oh I mean um
Starting point is 00:33:40 I poke his hand does it go through yes oh good that's not good what happened you both definitely have to get to the lifeboats, and we got to find, hey, we're strangers.
Starting point is 00:33:49 Francis, yes, Marco, you have to get to the lifeboat. Marco goes, no, you're coming too. You don't get to make this decision for me. You're wondering why us four teens are down here, and we're down here to make sure that couples like you don't, we got. Whoa, you're cool with this? Well, populations.
Starting point is 00:34:02 Yeah, you know. The world only works if we have wonderful couples like you two. So we're just making sure that couples stay together when they go on the lifeboat. So it's either both of you or none of you. You hear me? Yeah. I put my stern voice on. Think of it as like future generations depend on it, maybe.
Starting point is 00:34:15 Yeah. Okay. So Mr. Grant, I believe your name was, if Marco's going to go on the lifeboat, you have to too. That's the rules. That's what the captain said. Roll persuasion or deception. boat you have to too that's the rules that's what the captain said role persuasion or deception because we do have a policy here at the titanic with the fully loaded nachos okay i got a 11 kid who are you what is your problem i told you grant he's the ambassador
Starting point is 00:34:37 of china and i'm the captain you're way too cool with queer people for this time period what's going on uh uh we can't alter anything. I say and I run away. We're not cool. I want both of you off the boat. You both make me sick. I want you two off the boat. You two off the boat right now.
Starting point is 00:35:00 You hear me? Because I'm all timey like that. I'm just dragging Lincoln away, just trying to desperately... Dad, I don't want you to die! Shut the fuck up! As you shout, Dad, I don't want you to die, that is drowned out by the sound of water bursting in through one of the
Starting point is 00:35:15 portals. Oh no. It begins to pool around your feet as it rushes in from the sides, and you see Grant and Marco run out of the storage area and start running up towards the top of the boat. Okay. Come on, kids.
Starting point is 00:35:29 Come on. We got to go. We're going to go this way. We just leave us down on our own. I have more people to inform. Don't worry about it. You get to the boats. We run up another set of stairs.
Starting point is 00:35:39 Yeah. Or I do. I don't know what everyone else does. I think we want to run and look for those purple things, right? Yeah, so as we're running, I turn to everyone and say, okay, say, we cannot trust those two himbos to figure this out on their own. We need to collect as many of these things as we can. They're not going to get onto a lifeboat. We've got to get the spell figured out so Scamlike can get us all out of here.
Starting point is 00:35:52 Yeah, we've got to get out too. They're running up there, so that's good. That's good. Maybe we'll find something. What was it? Something old, right? We got something old. Wait, whiskey check. Okay, I checked for the whiskey. You're fine.
Starting point is 00:36:04 I'm fine. Okay, good, good, whiskey. You're fine. I'm fine. Okay, good, good, good, good. Okay, that's one. So the E deck. We'll go to the E deck. What else do we need? What were the other three things? Something new, something borrowed, something blue.
Starting point is 00:36:12 Something blue, yeah. Okay, this is kind of random. I don't know what that's all about, but like, okay. We just got to run as fast as we can. Freezing water buffets you as you run up and down the decks. Okay. Okay. Which deck would you like to go to?
Starting point is 00:36:23 The saloon deck, the shelter deck, the bridge deck, the middle deck with the swimming pool? I think we go bottom up, right, as it's sinking. Yeah, that's fair. So you were on the G deck. So we're just running. So F deck. Yeah, we're just running as quickly as possible.
Starting point is 00:36:34 All right, so you run up to F deck. You see there is a swimming pool with a bunch of people just hurrying to try to get out of the swimming pool as the water begins to... Ah, I get it. You're practicing. There's also a Turkish bass. You see a bunch of dudes with just towels around their waist
Starting point is 00:36:45 running. You see kennels with dogs barking locked inside their cages. I want to open up the kennels. Yeah, go open up the kennels. Okay, the dogs get out. And I say, shoot. That's not going to help. Maybe we should shoot them all in the back of the head. Oh my god! Oh no, this is dark thoughts! But they're
Starting point is 00:37:01 going to drown, right? Okay, well, let's just put little life vests on them. Oh, they're going to freeze. I can't look at them anymore. This is the saddest thing that's ever happened. Go back in the kettle, little buddies. Go to sleep. I don't know what to do.
Starting point is 00:37:15 Let them figure it out for themselves. Give them a shot. Just give them a shot. Give them a fighting chance, Link. I want to try to make this real quick. But really quick, as I open up the doors, I want to try and make a psychic connection with a dog. Do you have to speak with animals? Trust me, we're going to need this later.
Starting point is 00:37:31 Trust me, dude. Are you going to send them all to look for purple things? Do I have to speak with animals? No, absolutely not. You're a ranger without speaking with animals? Seems like something remotely useful. So fucking of course a ranger doesn't happen. Hold on, let me just manage my spells and note that I have an extra spell slot. Guess what? Who has to speak with animals? I thought that was like a ranger thing. Seems like something remotely useful, so fucking of course a ranger doesn't happen. Hold on, let me just manage my spells
Starting point is 00:37:46 and note that I have an extra spell slot. Guess what? Who has speak with animals now? Oh, okay, you do get it, okay. Canines, who amongst you wishes to create a psychic bond with me, the son of the ambassador to China? They all cock their heads.
Starting point is 00:38:00 All of you. I deputize all of you to be Taylor's dogs. Dude comes up and starts petting them and goes, they're good dogs. These are good dogs. They are. They are very good. Be near so that if I need you, you may come, but also try and survive. Do your best. Taylor,
Starting point is 00:38:15 ask the dogs if they can find this purple stuff for us. And keep an eye out for purple glowing. Can they see the color purple? Dogs are colorblind. They can see glowing. Yeah, they can see like light. They can see glowing. Yeah, they can see light. They can see glow, yeah. Bring me glowing objects. Purple, ideally.
Starting point is 00:38:31 Blue glowing objects. Yeah. Like this color. Oh, hold on. Show them the- We show the dogs the whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So somebody roll animal handling. I will roll animal handling.
Starting point is 00:38:40 Yeah, you should do it. My boys. Four plus zero, four. They jump out the window into the freezing water. Oh, no! Oh, God. Oh, God, you hear what they're saying as they jump out the window, dude, because you can speak with them now.
Starting point is 00:38:52 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are they saying, Anthony? The moon is glowing. I'm going to get the moon. Oh, no. Oh, that's really awful. Dude, one of the weird things about being a human is that everybody's going to feel worse about these animals dying
Starting point is 00:39:05 than the 1,600 people, human beings, human beings that actually died. Dude is already weeping. Everybody listening to this podcast is going to be more sad. So, oh, okay. This can't...
Starting point is 00:39:23 The dogs. I know, I know. I feel the way too. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying I feel that way too. This can't. The dogs. I know, I know. I feel the way too. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying I feel that way too. I feel worse about these dogs. Link thinks for me, he's like, this can't be happening. I know my dads live and I'm here. So, and I start getting a divine sense and I'm going to cast divine sense, which let
Starting point is 00:39:37 me know if you think this is relevant, which is as an action, you can detect good and evil, but also until the end of the turn, you can sense anything affected by a hollow spell, the known location of celestial fiend undead. It feels like I should just be able to sense within 60 feet or something. That makes a lot of sense. You can tell that on the e-deck above you, something soon to be borrowed awaits you. E-deck, let's go.
Starting point is 00:39:58 I sense something. Okay. I hope it's not my dad's having sex again. That's what they were doing. Is that what they were doing? That's what they were doing, which is cool. I thought they just were like they wanted to see a cool car. Yeah. Well, they are classic car enthusiasts, though, right?
Starting point is 00:40:13 Yeah. No, they always said that, you know, however I want to express my sexuality is fine. And like, you can have sex before or after marriage, however you want to wait. And they told me they had sex before marriage. I didn't realize it was like right before marriage. On the Titanic. On the Titanic. But yeah, that's definitely what they were doing.
Starting point is 00:40:25 I'm sure this was the first time they've had sex though. You're probably right. Could be. It's a pretty cool place to have sex. So you head to the mail room of the Titanic and you see Grant and Marco
Starting point is 00:40:35 arguing with the mail person there and behind the mail person, they're basically locked inside of a room with a little window with iron bars bisecting it. And behind them is a package that seems to be glowing purple. And Marco's like, we just need the package for some reason, I guess.
Starting point is 00:40:51 And Grant's like, yes, no, please. That's mine. It's for me. It's me. I'm what's what does it say on it? And the guy's like, go get it. Go back to your rooms. Taylor struts up with all the confidence.
Starting point is 00:41:01 I do believe, sir, you have correspondence for me, the son of the ambassador to China. Alright, roll deception. I swear to God, the amount of times I've tried this fucking gamut. 4 plus 5, 9. God damn it! Oh my gosh. No, it doesn't look like we have anything. Scary. Hermie, guys, use your
Starting point is 00:41:20 acting stuff. You're really good at acting. Why don't the two of you just, you know? Okay, okay. As much as it pains me to admit it, you have great chemistry together oh hermene leans up against the wall and goes i know yeah male room when's there gonna be a female room huh yeah yeah let's see how that plays out for them like start snapping his fingers like he just heard something. That's right. You tell him, Gary. Yeah. I wonder if that guy I was seeing finally sent me that object that I was going to borrow. Oh, yes, madam. He's always sending you objects as a way of showing how much he loves you because you're so high class and real.
Starting point is 00:42:02 I know, Jack. I mean, I mean. Hermie looks to the side and he's like, if only she knew that me, a lowly valet, would actually be the one
Starting point is 00:42:10 who holds her in my heart so deeply that she never can for it would be too inappropriate for her. Scary looks to the side. If only he knew I didn't really want objects.
Starting point is 00:42:23 Ah, this looks like it might be the right place. Hello, mail. How do you know my name? Could I have that package, please? I believe it's addressed to me. Oh, no. Okay, so that's 10.
Starting point is 00:42:38 I'm afraid you're going to have to show me some evidence that the package is yours, my lady. Well, let me just look at it really quick. What's that sound also? The boat's sinking, sir. No, this ship's unsinkable. Yeah, well, it turns out you can't really believe the things that you thought that you could. You can find new things. I try to sneak a look at the package.
Starting point is 00:43:04 Okay, go ahead and roll perception at the package. Okay. Go ahead and roll perception. Holy shit. Okay. Nine plus one. Wow, you should start a podcast. You can really give people a wake up. Okay, so with the 10, you can see it actually is for the son of the ambassador from China. Oh, I find myself growing faint.
Starting point is 00:43:22 If only there was a strong family lineage to keep me afloat. You, sir, you're an ambassador, aren't you? I am. Keep distracting him. Oh. Distract me from what? From this. Distract him.
Starting point is 00:43:38 Well, um. What? Gary, just distract him. I have a spell I can cast. Just cast a spell. Cast a spell. Dude. Okay, so I do believe this ship may sink.
Starting point is 00:43:49 And then I pull out a bullet, and I'm putting it on a desk, and it's rolling down as the ship is tilting to the side. And I'm like, yes. And then I punch Hermie, and I'm like, you weren't the man I thought you were. No. Does this performance work?
Starting point is 00:44:07 Because I'm going to cast Misty Step, which allows me to teleport 30 feet to an unoccupied space. I'm just going to teleport in there and grab it. Great. That works perfectly.
Starting point is 00:44:16 He's too busy being swept up in the drama of these two will-they-won't-they's. So I teleport in, which is, I think it's just like I just slip on in quietly.
Starting point is 00:44:24 I grab the envelope. I'm like, hey, hey, hey. What up? Here. Take it. Yeah, okay, great, I think it's just like, I just slip on in quietly. I grab the envelope. I'm like, hey, hey, hey, what up? Here, take it. Yeah, okay, great. I slip it through the bars and I go, how did I get here? Oh, can you only do it once? Are you stuck in there now? Release him at once.
Starting point is 00:44:36 That's the son of the ambassador to China. What are you doing here, boy? Get out, get out. And he opens the door for you and tries to grab the package from you. You don't ever come along to China. I'll have words for you. I knew you Chinese could go through walls.
Starting point is 00:44:52 They told me that was a specific form of racism I had, but I always knew. Good day, sir. I say to you, good day. He's too busy being racist to stop you from leaving with the package. I look at Grant and Marco and I was like, oh, okay, so we got the package. Why did you two, I told you guys to get out of here.
Starting point is 00:45:17 Why were you two trying to get the package? Yeah, thanks. This is going to be super useful. Thanks. Mind if I borrow it? Sorry. And he takes the package from you. Yeah, you two are strong men.
Starting point is 00:45:25 You can hold on to it. Like, that's fine. We'll get the next two. Thanks, kid. What a specific thing to say. All right. I don't know. You're looking for things.
Starting point is 00:45:33 We're just going to help you out. I told you to get to the lifeboats anyway. I told you to get to the lifeboats. Get out of here. You get out of here. You two are going to have a great marriage and it's worth protecting. So leave. Link, stop it.
Starting point is 00:45:43 We got to destroy the timeline. Let's go. I don't like you guys. out of there don't die dads just give me a luck roll oh no oh no just give me like that scene in loop or when potty parts are disappearing in 18 all right everything stays as it is sorry i'm getting really emotional i'll stop i'll stop yelling at my dad. Shut the fuck up! I'm talking to you! We're running away! We're away from them now. Okay, what's next? You head up to the top deck and you see that it is absolute pandemonium.
Starting point is 00:46:12 The ship is beginning to lilt to one side. Chairs, cutlery, furniture is all beginning to list in directions. People are getting crushed underfoot. Has the orchestra started playing yet? The orchestra is playing Near My God today. Gentlemen, it's just been a privilege. Why are those guys playing music even though the boat's going down? Yeah, why are they
Starting point is 00:46:28 playing? It's just like a kind of beautiful metaphor for the poignancy of, you know, mankind. Did it actually happen? Yeah, that really happened. Those guys did that. We're here. We're literally here. What do you mean, did it actually happen? Like, pay attention. That's a crazy story. They should make a movie out of it. Yes, about the four musicians who played until they got too cold.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Do they make a movie about the four of them? Yeah, Link, they do. They do. They sure do, buddy. Okay, you got your something old. You got your something borrowed. We're looking around for purple stuff on the deck. Please roll a perception.
Starting point is 00:46:56 Well, you've got your little spell up, don't you? Like your guiding. Oh, yeah, don't you have your guiding principles? Oh, is it still active? It is. Okay, great. Roll one on perception. Then you follow your nose, so to speak,
Starting point is 00:47:04 and you can hear the sound of a douchey guy saying, please, please let me aboard. She's all I have in the world. Oh, no. Wait, wait, sorry. The line is, I'm all she has in the world. Oh, sorry, yeah. Please, please let me aboard.
Starting point is 00:47:17 I'm all she has in the world. And you see a man with very intense eyebrows trying to get aboard. Oh, my God. I have to roll not to fall in love. The guy who's trying to steal a baby? Go ahead. Yeah, the difference between being a girl
Starting point is 00:47:29 and being a woman is like being into Jack Dawson. When you're a woman, you realize that Billy Zane is where it's at in Titanic. That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard. My favorite thing about Billy Zane in Titanic is his ignorance of future historical people. Like when he's like, who's this Freud?
Starting point is 00:47:45 One of the passengers? Oh, wait. Picasso. He won't amount to a thing. Beautiful. I just fucking, I love that shit so much. Actually, it's Aster
Starting point is 00:47:52 who says this Freud. Oh, that's right. Is he a passenger? Love it. So you can see that he's next to an empty baby carriage and there's a woman
Starting point is 00:48:00 who has a hand still on the handle of the baby carriage who seems to have been trampled, unfortunately. Is she alive? No, she is dead. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:48:08 And Marco and Grant come out and they don't see what's going on. They're looking around for something purple, but you've seen them before they did. What's the purple thing? The baby that he is holding is purple. The baby is? The baby is purple.
Starting point is 00:48:22 Wait, is it like... Okay. It's glowing purple. It's not like a Thanos baby. It's magically glowing a purple glow. It is not literally is purple wait is it like okay it's not like it's magically glowing a purple glow it is not literally a purple baby it's like a video game was highlighted wills oh no milkshake right ahead that's gotta be one on tiktok right like a big grimace shake sinks the titanic that's like four months pretty out there my man. So Billy Zane is trying to get aboard the lifeboat. What are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:48:47 I'm screaming, that man stole that baby. That's a Chinese baby. That's our baby. That's our Chinese baby. Roll persuasion. Step aside. Step aside. You can tell the baby is not Chinese, first of all.
Starting point is 00:48:57 Secondly, roll persuasion. But can they tell? Oh, okay. Fair enough. There is a thing. That people think babies are Chinese. 12 plus 1, 13. What thing? What thing? There's a thing where it people think babies are jacking. 12 plus 1, 13. What thing?
Starting point is 00:49:05 What thing? There's a thing where it's like every Asian baby is born with a big old blue spot. You know about this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where? On their body. Okay. It's just a weird Mongolian blue spot thing.
Starting point is 00:49:17 And so, you know, they say babies grow in purple. You know, who knows? I could use it, but it doesn't matter. Because I rolled a 13. Okay. So with a 13 they go oh you stole that baby and he goes no of course not this is my child her his his name is lewis and they go you named that baby lewis i'm afraid you're gonna have to prove that that baby was stolen
Starting point is 00:49:39 kids because he's a grown man and your children can I do slide of hand and I want to draw a blue dot on the baby? Okay. So that Taylor can tell them about this fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll slide of hand. Got a 14. You draw a blue circle onto him and immediately Billy Zane looks down and goes oh an Asian baby I would rather drown and he hands you the baby back and he gets back
Starting point is 00:50:09 aboard the ship and wipes his hands dermal melanocytosis formerly called Mongolian blue spots as you may know them are the hallmark of Asian babies such as this one who belongs to my father,
Starting point is 00:50:27 the ambassador to China. So Grant and Marco come up and they see that the baby's glowing and they go, what's going on? Whose kid is that? Mine. Okay. My dad's.
Starting point is 00:50:36 No, it's not. My brother. Give it to them and then they can go on the boat. Yes. Sir, this baby, the only thing it has left in the world is these two fine gentlemen.
Starting point is 00:50:44 We're friends. One of whom fine gentlemen. We're friends. One of whom is Asian. We're friends. Yeah. And one of us is Asian. Yeah. So can you let them on the boat, sirs? That's me and Matt at every coffee shop.
Starting point is 00:50:57 Hi, one of us is Asian. We won't tell you which one. One of us tells the truth and one of us only lies. So he goes, fine. Yeah, sure. Get aboard the boat, I guess, the two of you. And he goes, and my friends, these kids here, they're all with me. They're all my kids, Grant says.
Starting point is 00:51:14 All of them. Come on. Come aboard, kids. Wow, you do that for us, mister? Wow. Yeah. Can we hop on? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:19 Oh, great. Okay. You're all children. Yeah, we're on. Okay. Wait. Can we save any of these people before we get on? Or is it too late, guys? You tell me.
Starting point is 00:51:26 Anthony, give me one minute on the clock to see if I can find a spell that I have that will stop the Titanic from sinking. Please? Come on, normal. All right. Timer. One minute. Go.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Okay. Guidance. Light. Resistance. Sacred flame. Spare the dying. Spare the dying. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:51:42 No, that's not going to work. How about just like a warmth spell? You know what I mean? Like keep people warm. Healing, purify, food. Can you put them all to a new plane? That way it doesn't mess up the history because they all did disappear, but they're all alive somewhere else. Just like MH370. Ah, yes. The great
Starting point is 00:51:56 mystery of the Titanic. Where did those people go to? That's right. I guess they did find the bodies. Shit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I've got it. i've got it i've got it i'm going to cast water walk okay for one hour the spell grants the ability to move across any liquid surface up to 10 willing creatures can see within range gain this ability for the duration which 10 normal which 10 oh my god you can still see the dogs you can save all the dogs or all 1600 people will who do you see the 1600 people i don't fucking yeah it's only for 10 people 10 people well we'll see how i need to see how many dogs
Starting point is 00:52:41 10 people or all the dogs i can live live with you saving ten people, Normal. That's something. That's something. That's something. You know, Normal, they say this boat is cursed. They say that aboard it, there was this Egyptian mummy princess that was like stowed away. And that's why the Titanic sank. Whoa. Is that real? Maybe maybe i am going to cast
Starting point is 00:53:07 water walk it's casting time is one action and it's a third level spell slot now i have three third level spell slots three fourth level spell slots two fifth and one sixth so i can save 90 people wow because i dump all my spell slots that'll do it i believe but you can't save the musicians because you said they died and they make a movie about them right i just want to make sure normal that we're sticking to that's true that would blow up the timeline i feel bad for them i can't look at them anymore i see them playing so heroic okay well i can only do people that i can see right so there's like what there's a throng of people in front of the boat. And the dogs. You can see the doggy battling through the water. Slowly.
Starting point is 00:53:47 The people can pick up the dogs. Oh, one of the dogs is getting really tired. Oh, God. He's going below the water, Will. Oh, my God. Normal is going to cast. Here's the fucked up thing I'm thinking in my head. Do I cast it on the biggest people, like the biggest guys,
Starting point is 00:54:01 so they can hold other people, right? Big boy representation. Just. All the Big boy representation. Love it. All the beefiest boys line up. Normal shots. All the beefy boys to the front. So we flash forward 100 years, and it turns out beefy boys have now been naturally selected for us.
Starting point is 00:54:18 Everybody's just like 30 pounds beefier. Wow. All right. I cast an order of beefiness and tell people, you can walk on water now. Hold up the other people. People are confused.
Starting point is 00:54:29 They're crying. They're trying their best. Some people are managing to climb up into the arms of the beefiest boys, the guys who are probably down in the hole, shoveling coal and stuff.
Starting point is 00:54:37 Just like they held up the economy. You know, America was what it was because of the work of these workers standing union strong together. They do only have an hour, so they got rescued within an hour, right?
Starting point is 00:54:47 Yeah. Right? There weren't enough beefy boys. Not the better half. There's a beefy boy with five shivering dogs on him and everyone immediately falls in love with him. Yeah, after the Titanic, they made sure that you had to at least have 200
Starting point is 00:55:03 beefy boys on every ship. Scary's like, don't worry, I got the rest of them. And she touches the ship and casts remove curse and nothing happens. And that's how you find out that the Egyptian mummy was just a myth. It wasn't actually cursed. The Titanic just hit an iceberg and sank. There wasn't a mystical reason for it. It will be several hours for the ship
Starting point is 00:55:27 arrives to save these people. That's fine. An hour of not being in the water is going to help. It will help. God, what a story though. As the lifeboat descends to the water with all of you in it, you overhear Marco and Grant having a conversation where Grant's like, this poor kid.
Starting point is 00:55:44 He's got nobody. And Marco says, this poor kid, he's got nobody. And Marco says, this poor kid, I don't, we got to keep him warm. Stay close to me. Let's keep him warm. And they held it closer together to each other. And they cuddle this kid. Link looks at the thing. Link roll perception.
Starting point is 00:55:56 Oh, no. A 17. Okay. So with a 17, Scam likely appears as a ghost and he embraces his eyebrows and he points at you and then he points at the baby and then he points back at you and he points at the baby. Is that... I'm an Asian baby?
Starting point is 00:56:15 Link looks down and realizes there's been a blue spot on his own butt for years that he himself painted there. I look at scam, that's me? He turns to Grant and Mark and he goes, Happy anniversary. I saw that you were having a bad time. And so I decided to fix your marriage.
Starting point is 00:56:31 Hooray. And Grant's like, what? I didn't actually mean for something all borrowed, blue, old, any of that stuff. I just wanted you to find each other. What? Classic Scam. And he goes, it sounded like you were having second thoughts. And I wanted you to remember how important you are to each other.
Starting point is 00:56:46 Remember? You thought you were going to die. And the first thought was to deep dick your boyfriend. Whoa. I told you guys. I said that. See? You didn't believe me.
Starting point is 00:56:55 But they did. I believed that they were having second thoughts. Okay. Marco kisses Grant really deeply. And Grant kisses him back. And he goes, I'm sorry I was so scared. I was just really scared of living a life with you as much as I was without you, because I don't know if I can, I just don't know. And Marco just shuts him up and goes, it's fine. It's okay. We're going to be okay together
Starting point is 00:57:13 because you've got my back and I've got your back. And now both of us are going to have this. If you're okay with it, I think we're going to have this kid's back. And the four of us are always going to have your back too. Hey, can you two keep it down? Oh god. Drake gets a distant look in his eyes
Starting point is 00:57:31 as he sees other than the people trying to crawl onto the burly boys a lot of people drowning and dying in the water. Molly Brown would be
Starting point is 00:57:38 so pissed if this many people actually survived the Titanic. Yeah she loses her whole wrist. They'd be all writing books too. Yeah they would literally be unsinkable. Yeah. Yeah she she loses her whole risk. Because they'd be all writing books, too. Yeah, and they would literally be unsinkable.
Starting point is 00:57:46 Yeah. Yeah, she's just okay Molly Brown. Grant says, with Scam Likely and the doodler and all these people dying around me, and I just want to make sure that he doesn't have to deal with any of this shit. I just know Kid deserves to live through the bullshit that we're living. I'm sure he'll be fine. Yeah. Oh, I can't say anything, right?
Starting point is 00:58:04 You can, but maybe just like just don't fucking just be cool for once you know about it you could say something cool to him just don't tell me you're his son you know but if you got something to say to him you know say it dude oh hey you two gentlemen i'm sure i'm sure that baby's gonna be really happy to have you as as their dad i'm gonna hey guys let's just uh let's just close our eyes and ears because there's a lot of dying going on around us i'm just a little scared yeah like kind of like tries to look away from just one more i mean do you have anything you want to say to like your baby self no no dude that's the first lesson of all this like don't do anything what do you mean okay i'm
Starting point is 00:58:39 pretty happy with the way i don't mind i'm pretty happy with no don't tell me anything okay yes i go to the baby and I whisper to the baby. I say, hey, baby Link. And I stroke his cheek and I say, it's going to be all right. And then Grant and Marco both embrace you and they hold you as the Titanic sinks behind you. As more than 1,500 people die in the single deadliest sinking of a single ship up to that time happens around us. But that's love, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:09 And the 700 people in the boats wait to die, wait to live, wait for an absolution that will never come. Days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right, it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive
Starting point is 00:59:53 we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today we live for tomorrow, make, and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today
Starting point is 01:00:14 I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way waller brian fernandez is our content producer ashley nicola is our community manager courtney terry is our community coordinator esther ellis is our lead editor travis reeves provides additional editing and roman rap is our transcriber this podcast is directly supported by our patreon our patreon is full of people with names like theresa alexa cuddleism is a religious belief about being sincerely held lauren donahue abu waifu eric bateman nicholas olsen leah zander bryce brett peterson operandi mj damson, Kellen Holbrook, Carson, Jason Bingham,
Starting point is 01:01:06 Christopher Burgess, Carson Lisbierg Mogensen, Emil Grunbach, Bryce McSherry, Panda Blackstar, and Daniel Hidalgo. Episode one of Dad with a Christy is now available with episode two coming out later on this week. This three-part murder mystery miniseries with special guest Amanda Schuckman, who you may remember from Sons of Sensibility,
Starting point is 01:01:20 as well as Riley Rose Critchlow, who does Real Housewives of D&D and also is the lead detective in, in the crimes division. And Elise Williams, who has also appeared on this season as well as on fun house is starting to come out. Now this mini series is a total blast and you can get it as well as all of
Starting point is 01:01:34 our other standalone miniseries at patrion.com such dungeons and dads. You can also buy digital downloads of our bonus miniseries on that patron as well. But if you're a patron, you always just, you just get it. You get that as well as ongoing content, ad free episodes episodes as well as access to tons of bonuses but you know if you don't like subscribing to things you can just buy these now it's an option always was an
Starting point is 01:01:52 option this past month our monthly bonus for our mid-tier subscribers was a video where we introduce you to everyone's pets it was a pet video who has the best pet it's me but you can watch the video to verify that do your own research at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads our Twitter It's dungeons and dads our website is dungeonsanddads.com our merch is at store.dungeonsanddads.com Our subreddit is dungeonsanddads and our next episode is coming out October 10th. We will see you then We live for tomorrow. Make steel and borrow. Brave where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow.
Starting point is 01:02:33 Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Yes, I do have Sneak with Animals. Sneak with Animals? Sneak with Animals. That's a pretty good one. That's like Shaggy has that when he and Scoob are tiptoeing around.

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