Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 44 - Atonyment

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

The teens plan their next move while taking a moment to make amends.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow u...s on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. She sure is holding this pool. Hey babe, let me hop on that pool float with you before I freeze to death. Babe? Oh no, you're thinking about it again, aren't you? James Cameron's 1997 international blockbuster feature film Titanic. It won't stop
Starting point is 00:00:25 happening. Whenever I get on a pool float that can't fit my boyfriend, I, I... I'm the king of the world! You ever, uh, ever been to Wisconsin? To make each day count. Not here. Not this night. I'll never let go. Haunted by James Cameron's 1997 international blockbuster feature film titanic tired of losing your new soulmates to shoddy improvised flotation devices is your summer fun being sunk by constant visions of your lover's corpse in the icy north atlantic hi i'm ron stampler and i'm his, Beth May. And we have just the thing for you. Introducing the Unsinkable Love Float for Two. A sophisticated two-person pool float engineered to stay afloat even when your love is overflowing.
Starting point is 00:01:17 The Unsinkable Love Float will ensure both you and your third-class lover have enough room to survive until a lifeboat comes to save you. A lifeboat of to save you. A lifeboat of love, that is. Nice. Oh, and it's shaped like the door from Titanic because we thought that would be cute. That's right. Near, far, wherever you are, the unsinkable love float for two has just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean. In fact, the only hard part?
Starting point is 00:01:42 Maybe finding someone to share it with. Oh. Oh. Ron. What are we? I don't know, Beth. I just don't know. Disclaimer. Please don't sue us if you worked on Titanic the movie or Titanic the boat. And please don't steal our idea. This is gold. I'm telling you, it's gold. And it's not unsinkable. The float is not unsink unsinkable it can definitely sink and it's just part of the name
Starting point is 00:02:07 limits apply bye welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast this is a dungeons and dragons podcast a loose one but a dungeonDSM podcast. Uh-uh. This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. A loose one, but a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Regardless, this is a story of four teens from our world who all got married, summoned an eldritch god, maybe got married to the eldritch god. Anyway, we're trying to fix all the problems that our grandparents started. No, we definitely did not get married to the doodler.
Starting point is 00:02:39 They were not involved in that. Dot, dot, dot. Yes. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Hey swift hey now the tiefling rogue okay oh so you did go rogue i did go rogue i'm just saying that that's like exactly what ron was but if you're gonna go over there and call yourself an original that's fine i'm not calling myself an original taylor was influenced by the presence of one r Stampler and I think picked up on his stealthy energies.
Starting point is 00:03:05 And you'll note in these last couple episodes, I've been carefully seeding the... No, yes. Two seconds ago, you said you were going to be a barbarian. Because that would have been funny. What are you excited about most for Taylor's class switch to Rogue? I think Taylor has discovered over the course of the adventure his love of hiding as things.
Starting point is 00:03:27 Expect some more stealthy stuff, you know, less samurai, more ninja. Watch this space under construction. Wow. Taylor coming at you. Also, I have min maxed my character sheet to some truly goofy numbers here. So I can't wait to see everyone's responses to my great roles. numbers here so i can't wait to see everyone's responses to my great roles it is so like on brand for a teen to like not like class and switch classes here's my favorite here's my favorite other sort of like move that he has i now have a move called insightful manipulator if you spend
Starting point is 00:03:59 at least one minute observing or interacting with another creature outside combat. You can learn whether it is your equal, superior, or inferior in A2 of its int, whiz, charisma scores or class levels. So you have the scouter from fucking Dragon Ball Z? Is that what you're saying? You can tell what level people are? Taylor has an innate sense of who he will be able to beat in a debate.
Starting point is 00:04:20 Taylor is also joining the debate class as a Reddit atheist. Taylor's going down the rabbit hole. Hey guys, have you heard about this Hey guys, check out this funny lay me rage comic I found I've just been watching a lot of YouTube videos while doing my own research Hey Lincoln, can I just touch your skull and see Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold
Starting point is 00:04:41 I play Lincoln Boss Kicks Wait, I don't even know, Lincoln M Kicks That's what it Arnold. I play Lincoln Boss Kicks. Wait, I don't even know. Lincoln M Kicks. That's what it was. Lincoln M Kicks. Yeah, Boss Lincoln M Kicks. Lincoln the Boss M Kicks. Lincoln the Boss M Kicks.
Starting point is 00:04:51 Schooled in prison, rescued by his friends, and now paladin for his spouse's... Survivor. Survivor of the Titanic. Unsinkable Lincoln M Kicks. Wow. Lincoln is M Kicks in this version of the podcast, but the original Japanese, he's actually a Vega. Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 00:05:09 Another one just for you, Anthony. Delightful. Quick fact about Lincoln back in his homeschool days, his favorite time of the year is that in order to kind of give a little bit of normal normalcy. Yeah. Did you say my name?
Starting point is 00:05:21 What's up? Yes. What's up? You said you called me. Oh yeah. What are we doing with the intro credits, Lee? Hey, what's up? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:05:26 I was just talking about how my dads would, even though I was homeschooled, one of my favorite days is they would do parent-teacher conferences, which were great because it was just Marco and Grant having dinner together while I could go do whatever I wanted. Wow. I heard you say my name, though. Oh. What a thrill. All right, I'm going to go.
Starting point is 00:05:45 Yeah, we're a sister dynamic duo, you and I. Regular Laurel and Hardy over here. Everyone, it's Will Campos. No! Oh, the piano's off! Far right. Hey, everybody, it's Will Campos, the blues man, back with a new chord I learned.
Starting point is 00:06:03 This one is a G7. Here's a new chord I learned. This one is a... It's A. G7. Here's a new chord. A. That's not A, dude. That's fucking G major 7. I was making a fucking...
Starting point is 00:06:12 You nerd. What do you call when you drop a... You can't tell a G major 7 chord, Freddie? What do you get when you drop a piano down a... A flat minor. We get it. We know that one. We know that joke already.
Starting point is 00:06:21 Go fuck yourself. We're just warming up, baby. We're just warming up. I'm Will Campos. I play Normal Oak. He's a perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, perky, school spirit mascot kid. Fun fact about Normal this week, I thought I'd give a Normal's mustache update.
Starting point is 00:06:36 Oh, wow. It's been a while. It's been so long since we checked in on Normal's mustache. And fun fact, Normal has been feeding that thing. That's right. Essential oils. Oh. Essential oils for hair growth
Starting point is 00:06:48 like lavender and peppermint, a little bit of lemongrass on there and it's doubled in strand count from eight to 16. Ooh. God. Okay. And it's dinky too now.
Starting point is 00:07:00 It's slightly longer and it smells like lavender. Okay. That's Normal's mustache, everybody. You got a pair of tiny little scissors to trim it he's going for like a hercule poirot thing right now is the plan working towards it yeah working towards so for the little grass cells are like the two like farthest most little strands of the 16 are those just getting grown out um to get that little not on
Starting point is 00:07:22 purpose but they have gotten curlier because of all of the weird stuff he's putting on them. Oh, God. I hate normal. Hi, my name's Beth May. Hi, Beth. Hi, could I get a chord, too? Oh, yeah, sure. Beth gets a... Ooh, Beth gets a...
Starting point is 00:07:39 Like a little G major 7. Or a C major 7. Okay, that's fine. A little bit of dissonance, but there's something poignant about it. Did you guys hear about this? I've heard there was a secret chord who... David played it.
Starting point is 00:07:52 Please, please the Lord. My name's Beth Maynard. I play Scary Marlin. Gothmung Seeker of Darkness. Don't use a scary voice. Scary is scary. Okay, okay. Gothmung Seeker of Darkness.
Starting point is 00:08:02 He's a warlock. Doesn't want to care anymore. Also a survivor of the Titanic. Wouldn't you know? Just found out that she's actually supposed to be level 12. Oh, that's right. Hi, Anthony. You hear this?
Starting point is 00:08:16 You hear this, Anthony? And I forget why. A fan told us, because one of your levels you got was from winning in the Among Us episode. It had nothing to do with Willie. Yes. So you wouldn't have lost that level. Yes. So that's good.
Starting point is 00:08:27 So she's back. And I wish I could remember who told me that so that I could credit them. But I am just going to run away with the credit myself because I'm a bad person. Fun fact about Scary this week. Scary doesn't run errands. She walks them. She's got time. Bitch.
Starting point is 00:08:50 Love it. Dang, dude. Really capturing that teenage energy in a way that we have not been able to. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Daddy's sick.
Starting point is 00:08:59 Still got COVID. Dude, it's going to be wild because people listening to this are going to be like, wow, it's been COVID for two weeks. It hasn't been. So my dad fact is I don't like to get too honest on here, but this is something
Starting point is 00:09:11 I honestly, with my whole heart, I believe this to be true. And I know it's not popular, and it's going to lose us a couple fans, but I'm just going to say it because I want to share my truth, and that is I know that I can fix Lauren Boebert. I know that I can fix Lauren Boebert. I know that I can do it.
Starting point is 00:09:28 With 100% certainty, I can fix that woman. And I know that to be true. Sick, twisted take. She was giving an over-the-pants handjob in a Beetlejuice musical. The woman is made for me. I know that two dates in, I could get her to be
Starting point is 00:09:43 a trans rights advocate. I'd get her to put away the guns and pick up flowers. I know I could do it. I just in I could get her to be fucking a trans rights advocate I'd get her to put away the guns and pick up flowers I know I could do it I just know I could and I'll never get the chance to not with that attitude I'm putting it out
Starting point is 00:09:53 of the universe I'm fucking desecrating it there are plenty there are plenty of wonderful musicals in LA that I could take her to and get a pants handjob in
Starting point is 00:10:02 yeah pantages won't kick you out for that no pantages it is like mandatory. It's in the name. It's in the name. Pantages. Yo, did you get a Pantages at the Pantages last night?
Starting point is 00:10:13 You know what I'm saying, bro? You got a pants for the ages, bro. When we last left the group, you had managed to escape the memory of Grant and Marco's wedding day. The memory was of Scam Likely either intentionally or not intentionally getting Marco and Grant onto the Titanic to teach them a little bit something about love. In the process of doing so, they found a young child who they raised, who is Lincoln. As the Titanic went down, Grant vowed that he would take the chance and choose life and be with Marco despite all of his fears about being a husband and that he would make sure that his son, this new child that's entered their life, would never, ever, ever have to be exposed to the kinds of horrors that he has been exposed to.
Starting point is 00:11:03 And then literally, by the way, he was exposed to not only horrors in general but like literally the actual horrors of the titanic yes like how badly did grant fuck up he somehow went all the way back to the beginning and fucked up the thing that he couldn't have fucked up because of your age yeah but in that moment you were all ejected from the memory a bunch of colored liquid seeps from the eyes of Daryl into the jar, and you get a little bit more daddy magic in your daddy magic collection jar. You also come back to see that a cadre of angels is staring over you, glaring angrily at you. Uh-oh.
Starting point is 00:11:39 How can we tell, though? Because do they have- They have one eye, and the eye is narrowed. Hey, hey. Hey there, guys. Come on. We agree. You're not supposed to just walk in. didn't even knock yeah we could have been
Starting point is 00:11:47 doing our spaghetti pleasure yeah it's like when the rules in heaven is like whatever happens in the rooms whatever happens in heaven stays in heaven the eyelashes begin to unfurl and daryl would know that the eyelashes are often how they like a venus fly trap how they kind of capture things and move them from place to place so daryl what are they reaching towards they're reaching towards all the kids hey get back i grab one of the big strands of spaghetti in my spaghetti pool and start waving around like a whip like indiana jones like ah not in my house misters get out of here you whip it too hard and you get a scar on your chin that explains where your scar in the later movies is the scar i got so the angels they don't speak obviously but one of them comes over you daryl and
Starting point is 00:12:33 basically absorbs you into its pupil and closes its eye this is the way i go oh no i love you son love you grandson don worry. This place will be put together by the time you... It sort of raises itself up and throws itself back as if it's like swallowing a pill and vibrates a little bit. What? Oh, my God. You just swallowed Daryl? Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:12:56 Well, thank God I'm still here. Another one does the exact same thing. Oh, my God. Oh, God. What? But where did they go? They're already dead. They're already in heaven. Oh, my God. Oh, God. What? But where did they go? They're already dead. They're already dead.
Starting point is 00:13:06 Oh, God. I'm fading away. But don't worry, because I have a feeling that I will return in your hour of need. Oh, no. I'm going to cast Locate Creature. Describe a creature that is familiar to you. You sense the direction of the creature's location as long as it is within 1 000 feet and i know the direction it's moving it if it is moving so i described daryl i'm like i see he's like this nice kind of older burly-ish gentleman he sort of looks like
Starting point is 00:13:36 grant but you know like sort of like a kind of more real daddy yeah i guess he's got daddy energy okay grand daddy energy he's a daddy beth okay thank you beth he's a daddy he's got zaddy energy. Okay. Grand zaddy energy. He's a daddy. Beth, okay, thank you, Beth. He's a daddy. He's not a zaddy. I'm sorry, you just gotta be realistic here. Who's saying that? This is Link.
Starting point is 00:13:52 I'm just saying that I always heard he was a zaddy. Okay, well, that's, yeah, okay. Beth May in heaven is saying all this. Yes. Okay, he's more of a daddy. Okay, so with your locate creature spell, do you have to roll for anything or it just happens? I think it just happens. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:03 But the components are a bit of fur from a bloodhound you probably had a little bit of dander from rogue yeah that's true yeah i use some of rogue's hair for the component of the spell for the only time we've ever done a component on this show dang nice dude crunch love it yeah okay so the dander goes up in flames in your hand and you can tell that both daryl and Ron are still in heaven, but they are in a far-off zone known as the time-out room. Oh, no. Oh, man. Have you guys realized, like, heaven kind of sucks? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:33 A lot of people down on Earth work really hard to get up here. It's like not. I got to say. It's like heaven can wait, you know? Yeah. I had a better time in the other place, I thought. I mean, the other place was sad for different reasons. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:44 Do you think heaven has listening devices? Do you think they're spying on everyone? What a better time in the other place, I thought. I mean, the other place was sad for different reasons. Yeah. Do you think Kevin has listening devices? Do you think they're spying on everyone? I mean, clearly those angels just showed up. So the angels are still here. They approach you all with their eyelashes outstretched, and they are looking to encircle your bodies with them, like scoop you up with their big old eyelashes.
Starting point is 00:15:01 So roll dexterity. Taylor does a back handspring. Five plus nine, 14. Okay. Oh, I got a 16. I got a nine. 12. Okay, so everybody except for Scary manages to escape the tendrils of the eyelashes that are coming at you. Too bad, leave her behind.
Starting point is 00:15:16 No! Hermie goes, no, we can't. My scene partner. And he's going to run back and try to pull you through the eyelashes. He's going to roll, and he is not strong enough to pull you through the eyelashes. My future life partner. And I chase after Hermie and grab him by the feet. Okay.
Starting point is 00:15:31 I'm going to cast disguise self and make myself look like a big meatball. What? Okay. Because we're in the spaghetti room. Oh. How do they know that they've got me and not just a big meatball? Okay. Interesting play.
Starting point is 00:15:48 Gary's got the right idea. After they grabbed you. After they grabbed you, though. You're grabbed. And the eye is literally looking at you as you do this because it's an eye. Well, is the eye hungry? Is the eye a hungry boy? Here comes the airplane.
Starting point is 00:16:01 You can roll deception with disadvantage. Okay. I'll roll that. I'll take that chance. All right. So that's 11 plus five. Jesus. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:16:12 All right. So the eye panics and you feel its grip loosen on you. The eyelashes open up and you fall back down onto the ground and immediately Grant with tears still coating his eyes goes, run. We have to run. We got to get out of here. And he kicks open the door out of Daryl's heaven and starts running. And I go, and I got to throw down my smoke bombs, casting darkness.
Starting point is 00:16:32 So darkness spreads around us for a 15-foot radius sphere to hide and cover our escape. I follow Grant out the door. I run. I use one with shadows. What is going on? Is that a demo thing? I thought Beth did that. I thought,
Starting point is 00:16:48 and like, yeah, the way that you looked at me, I was like, what are you doing, bro? Yeah, so I use one with shadows. When you're in an area of dim light or darkness, you can use your action
Starting point is 00:16:58 to become invisible until you move or take an action or a reaction. Until you move. Once you start running, you'll... Yeah, but it seemed cool
Starting point is 00:17:05 at the time. Oh, so what you want to do is we're going to all leave and you're going to just be inside the smoke bomb? Yeah. And then I'll just be with you. Suddenly.
Starting point is 00:17:12 You'll just stay in the noodle room. I'll bamf into existence like Nightcrawler. All right, so we're running out of beer? Yeah, you run out of Daryl's heaven room. All right, remind us
Starting point is 00:17:20 what's right outside of this room again. It's basically a labyrinth of doors, a shitbuckload of doors for every resident in heaven. Open all the doors as we pass them okay okay as we run we're opening all the doors and we inside and then taylor's yelling like ah fire alarm fire alarm everyone out everyone out fire alarm fire alarm tragically this would be a really opportune time for a ranger to roll a nature roll so they could see their way back to the original lobby that they
Starting point is 00:17:44 came from oh no no taylor's left that life behind dog so really quick as we're running since where we were running will matter the other grandparents are any of them in hell nixon hell and theoretically terry jr might be in hell okay so should we just run back to the hell portal where i was being out of like that would bring us to the next spot that we have to get that's true that's a good idea and we should know where that is i want to fill up the hallway with a crowd so that the angels can you know probably get confused by everyone running around okay roll deception because you're saying there's a fire 11 2 plus 9 11 the people turn briefly away from their noodle centric fantasies and see you running back so fire fire, fire, fire. And they go, and they just shut the doors behind
Starting point is 00:18:26 you and resume their moaning. Link screams. He goes, the big dog's back. God's back in the house, everybody. Come check out God. All right. Now you roll deception. Musical guest, God. And Chris Kattan. You can't
Starting point is 00:18:42 have it a mango. Ladies and gentlemen, God. That's a five. So with a five, one guy steps out, cover it in olive oil, and then he goes, again, shakes his head and goes back inside his room. This is not the first time he's been burned. He's been God-boozled.
Starting point is 00:19:00 At least we do know that God's not here, though. I want to roll Arcana to see if I can kind of sense what the angels are going to do with us if they capture us. Because they may be just yeeting us into heaven. No, we're going to go to the timeout room. You already found out. Are they going to send us to the timeout room? I'm assuming so.
Starting point is 00:19:14 They're going to do the same. We're not in heaven, right? Just because cops put some guys in jail doesn't mean they're going to put you in jail. Yeah, we're just visiting. I got a nine. With a nine, you can't tell what it is, but you know it's not going to be the timeout room and it's not going to be good. Okay. Oh, alright! This might not work,
Starting point is 00:19:30 but I cast Unseen Servant. The spell creates an invisible, which is boring. I think it should look like a little baby angel. A mindless, shapeless, medium force that performs simple tasks at your command. So I'm going to be like, show us where the hell portal is. Okay. Don't we know where the hell mindless shapeless medium force that performs simple tasks at your command so i'm gonna be
Starting point is 00:19:45 like show us where the hell portal is okay don't we know where the hell portal is oh i thought we didn't you know vaguely where it is but you probably got lost within the maze i'd be like lead us to the hell portal okay okay there's nothing you have to roll for it just happens looks like yeah it just happens okay your little angel buddy goes, no problem. Follow me. And starts zooming through the halls of heaven. As we're running, and I'm going to try another thing for a distraction, is I'm going to cast Divine Sense.
Starting point is 00:20:16 Because Lincoln's like, you know what? There's always people that slip through the cracks. And Divine Sense lets me detect good and evil. I want to see if there's anybody that shouldn't be in heaven. So I can tattle on them. Tattle on them? What? Because the angels will go after them. Like, maybe there's a bad guy in here. I'm like, hey, that guy's not supposed to be here. I feel like tattling as
Starting point is 00:20:31 an act immediately drops you into hell. They love tattling in heaven, though. Wasn't the Bible's most famous snitch kind of vilified for that? Who? Pontius Pilate? Judas, dude. Judas, my man. My man, Judas.
Starting point is 00:20:47 Wait, well, Judas wasn't a snitch per se. Yeah, he was bad. He just traded. He was a betrayer. He was a betrayer. He was a businessman. 30 pieces of silver in that economy could go a long way.
Starting point is 00:20:58 No, no, no, no. They're right, Freddie. What did he snitch? Like, hey, that's Jesus. Yeah. They knew who Jesus was. Did you think the last supper was Jesus? Be like, guys right don't tell anybody don't tell you but we we gotta fucking move 10 kilos of this okay just don't tell the authorities this is my body let me see your body
Starting point is 00:21:15 you're wearing a wire oh my god like the last supper was like a table for like 13 but then like more people like found out about it and they're like yeah i had a birthday party this sweet 33 but you weren't invited and judas was like are you roman if you're roman you have to tell me so as lincoln runs he just wants to see if you can see if there's any evil here in heaven okay there's no role on detect good and evil no it's not roll by that doesn't mean there is something evil maybe it's just so you can create a random chance of whether or not i find something evil let me roll something on my end it just happens i can sense anything within 60 feet and i can use this that's not that far yeah but we're running down the hallway so i'm
Starting point is 00:21:52 assuming like i'm sensing like a left and right are yeah so it's just like for like a minute long like or whatever like do i sense anybody uh yeah you sense a couple of evil people within running distance of you in this turn you you can see that there is a door on the left and a door on the right that will certainly lead to somebody who you would consider to be evil okay so already i'm gonna open up the door on the right to see what the evil i sense in there so you open the door on the right and you see you see a podcaster oh god oh at the setup and he's fucking eating spaghetti on mic. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:22:26 He's a men's rights activist. There we go. He doesn't believe that any people that we think are cool should be allowed to, like, vote. He's a really, really bad person. His podcast is about spaghetti. What?
Starting point is 00:22:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The podcast, listen, you gotta separate the art and the artist. His podcast is a great spaghetti podcast, but he's got spaghetti. He cannot keep his opinions out of it. Kind of like when you're listening to a dungeons of dragons podcast the guys won't stop talking about how
Starting point is 00:22:48 leftist they are did you know that spaghetti came from ancient rome do you know what else came from ancient rome masculinity that's right the olive garden this is what they took from you when you're there you are not family family with like a fucking v in it but he was hit by a car and was marked as an organ donor and every single one of his organs went to somebody that saved a life. So he technically. And also those people were all great people. Yeah, those people were all great. Shit.
Starting point is 00:23:12 The cruel irony of his life is that every every minority that he did not like, he saved one of their lives by the fact that he got each one of them invented. That's so complex. For a different kind of cancer, dude. Yeah. All right. Lincoln opens the door and he sees the guy and just knows right away he doesn't belong here.
Starting point is 00:23:27 And he's like, hey, hey, this guy, this guy shouldn't be here. This guy's evil. And the guy sees us and is like, maybe you don't belong. And then I'm like,
Starting point is 00:23:35 oh shit, it's too late. I already said he's evil. That's all I do. That's all I do. All right, roll persuasion to see if you can convince the angels that they made a mistake. Freddie popped Taylor's head in.
Starting point is 00:23:44 What? Because he's Asian. Oh, Taylor walks by and looks at him asianly roll intimidation it's intimidation ah and lincoln sees what they're throwing down he goes hey buddy they they're all like that outside the doors here we're here. And there's a lot of us. Eight plus nine, 17. Oh my God. Okay. So you know how in a Christmas story
Starting point is 00:24:09 they have them say fudge so you don't have to hear the F word? Yeah. Okay. Where are you going with this, bro? Careful, my friend. He's going to say, oh, darn,
Starting point is 00:24:20 it's a person. And he's going to say a slur, a horrible slur. And the angels are going to go. And their pupils are going to dilate very, very, very big. And they are going to bash their way into his room and start attacking him. Great. Hold on, Freddy's cooking over here. I'm cooking here. Would you say a slur
Starting point is 00:24:49 if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and say some words I'll regret later on. Wow, you got a natural. I rolled a natural 20 to see if they would be distracted or not. And they are. They're just fucking eating. They're like passing them back and forth like those two T-Rexes and fucking
Starting point is 00:25:18 lost the world. Like just like toss his body back and forth and we just start running away. Yeah. So you managed to distract all the angels that were following you by just having that guy say a slur so congratulations um heaven's fucking crazy heaven's crazy yeah one of them one of them fucking blinks down on his arm and just the arm just isn't there anymore another one blinks down on his leg and the arm like just isn't there anymore no blood no nothing but the guy's just like screaming okay so yeah i think we're just running to the hell portal right are? Are we running to the pee pee room?
Starting point is 00:25:46 Yeah, we're running to the pee pee room. But there's, hold on one second guys, before we go there, this is as we're running. What's up Taylor? We are in heaven. Yeah. We should just like have a look around just in case there's some cool shit up here. I mean, you know, how many chances do you have? I do have one.
Starting point is 00:26:00 There's so much spaghetti though. There's so much spaghetti. I mean, can we go into a room and then just close the door and see if the angels pass by us and then we can like explore freely just right now we're like getting chased what would you like to do do you want to explore one of these rooms or do you want to go straight to the piss portal well you said what was saying that he had two things so it's the the peeing but what's the other okay if we are trying if we're gonna if we're gonna try to lay low okay and hide from these angels because they could make us they could whatever's gonna happen there's one person up here okay who is honor bound to protect any student of teen high okay his name is tony pepperoni oh man i mean like that guy sucks i
Starting point is 00:26:34 don't think that guy's up here is that guy up here he was baptized i cast locate person okay let's locate creature let that poor man sleep normal all right so tony pepperoni you can see is about a mile to the south of you okay okay so far away guys okay there's gonna be people movers or something right do you want to go talk to him i don't know i thought maybe somebody who might might have something to say to him why are you looking at scary well yeah i know but we like moved past that like It's all cool. Water under the bridge. I don't know if I call it. I just, you know, I'm just saying.
Starting point is 00:27:08 I mean, he's in heaven then. That's pretty good for him. That's great for him. Honestly, straight up, I'm sad he died, but I didn't think he deserved to get into heaven. To be fair, heaven's not that cool, so I guess he does deserve to be here. It seems like, Scary, you've turned over a new leaf a little bit, and if there was anything,
Starting point is 00:27:23 like, I don't know, anything you wanted to say uh to our beloved dearly departed vice principal this would probably be the only time you'll ever get in your entire life do it so i'm just putting that out there i'm just putting out there we're on the run i get it there's a lot of pressure we're getting chased by angels we gotta go to hell but uh if we got a couple minutes uh maybe that's something we could do that's all i'm gonna say and then i yield the remainder of my time narc normal like this you want scary to go apologize to a teacher like yeah it's like kind of not metal it's not metal but okay would it ease any you know would it ease your tummy i mean i would it ease your tongue
Starting point is 00:28:00 gosh darn it well i guess when you put it like that i mean yeah it's like if it's just a couple minutes of our time it's like you know it's no big deal you know just scary i'm very proud of you i just want to say that and we're with you every step of the way uh whatever you need you got this we're proud of you and we support you he kind of peer pressured her into it yeah i know it's like i feel weird about it. No, it's fine. I want to do this. I want to do it. Okay, that's it.
Starting point is 00:28:29 Is there a give two big thumbs up to the guys? Like, this is going great. And we kind of narrow our eyes. This is a new level of narc. Heretofore unseen level of narc I haven't experienced before. I'm narcing on scary to her own conscience. Dog. The adults are like, Carrie killed a guy.
Starting point is 00:28:48 I mean, she didn't. I'm not. Shut up. Let, let who is without fucking sin. Throw rocks. Fair enough.
Starting point is 00:28:54 All right. Fair enough. Mark says he got me there. Let's just go. Let's just go. Let's do this. People movers in heaven. Come on,
Starting point is 00:28:59 give me something moving sidewalk. Little cool pods. All right. We're trying to save our baby. Let's do this. Fine. Let's just, let's run.
Starting point is 00:29:04 Let's run fast. As you run with purpose, the cloud beneath you does like the, if Bugs Bunny's on like a red carpet, he goes like, and like the carpet like sort of like piles up behind him or whatever. And then you head off.
Starting point is 00:29:15 You can feel the clouds underneath you piling up behind you. That's good. Cause none of us take gym seriously. So if we had to run a mile, we'd be here. Lincoln's a fucking soccer player. Lincoln's running like a 430 mile. Lincoln's like 430 that's insane you're right it's only like a 530 mile no no no actually
Starting point is 00:29:33 new team fact lincoln should be a professional sprinter and it's track the star but he loves there's a youtube video that says how can i run a sub 430 mile on my first attempt and it's you know i mean sub 4 is insane because that's professional 430 mile on my first attempt in this? I mean, sub four is insane because that's professional. 430 is very fast, though. I'd say Lincoln could run a sub five. He's very in shape. Lincoln's fucking there.
Starting point is 00:29:52 Almost immediately, the rest of us are wheezing. Well, actually, no, I guess it's probably Lincoln, then Scary, and then we know who's bringing up the rear. Okay. Normal and Taylor.
Starting point is 00:30:00 No, no, no. You have done like handsprings and stuff. I think it's me and Herman. We'll just decide that all the teams are out of shape i forgot that you were somehow i forgot that you were a soccer guy so dude says wait do we need to go fast yeah go fast we do need to go fast dude can you like touch my hand i touched okay i touched dude's hand he goes and stretches his arm forward like michael jordan at the end of space jam and then just very quickly grabs the ground and just yoinks you all forward. So you're pretty much where you want to be right outside Tony Pepperoni.
Starting point is 00:30:29 Oh, hell yeah. Wow. Your stomach churns within you. You immediately feel intense nausea. But you are there in the snap. Everybody's on the ground. Link's going to roll perception just to I want to make sure like nobody's following us. You know, like just are we clear?
Starting point is 00:30:42 Good idea. Watch our six. Yeah, roll perception. And is this wing any appreciably different than the rest of heaven? No, it looks pretty much the same. The exact same thing, huh? Yeah, they're all just doors.
Starting point is 00:30:50 More spaghetti, I told you. Do you think he's happy here? Because he was a pizza guy. I got four. Guys, it's clear. I don't know. I hope so. There's no angels anywhere as I can see.
Starting point is 00:30:59 Okay. Okay. Thanks, Link. Hey, Link. You're doing a good job. Okay. Scary, do you want to knock? I just want you want it feels like morale is a little weird right now so i just want to yeah i just want to move on with it hey you know okay okay do you really
Starting point is 00:31:13 want to give me positivity or do you want me to say thank you so you feel good about yourself normal tries not to cry oh shit get him get him. Sparrow opens his arms for a hug in case Normal needs one. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Sorry, sorry.
Starting point is 00:31:30 I didn't mean to. It's fine. No, it's good. Okay, I'm sorry. It's good. Scary knocks. Tony Pepperoni opens the door. He's wearing a kiss the cook apron.
Starting point is 00:31:38 He has a couple of mittens on his hands, and there's a giant brick oven pizza behind him. And he goes, Margarita, you're here. Oh, oh, it's you. It's you. What do you want? Hi. I'm not sure if you remember me. Oh, you're the last thing I remember. Yeah, I was a student of your. I mean, I went to the school that you were a principal at. Yeah, and then you killed me or you let a guy kill me. Oh, yeah, there was that as well.
Starting point is 00:32:11 And so I was just wondering, can I come in? Roll persuasion. That is nine plus five. So 14. Because whatever you have to say to me, you can say here. Okay. Smells great in there, Mr. P. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:32:29 Yeah. Yeah, we miss you, Mr. P. Thank you. And I love your, I love your apron. I think it's pretty cool that despite everything, you got into heaven. Well, no, you know, we're all not perfect. Anyways, I'm glad you're here. I feel weird on her hand to compliment. What the fuck was that hey i said what i meant
Starting point is 00:32:48 guys wait i have something to say sorry um mr pepperoni When I killed you, I wasn't myself or I wasn't thinking or I actually, I was myself. And I was thinking pretty clear. But there was a couple of things I didn't know yet that I know now. And I killed you, and I didn't think about what it would do to your family. And I didn't realize they would leave this like, this like hole, like around like where your life had been, where people were like, holy shit, like that guy was annoying, but then he's gone and there's nothing and there's no place to put everything that I felt about him. And so, I thought that was a pretty shitty thing that I did to you. And so I realize now that I had no right to do that to your family and you.
Starting point is 00:34:22 And I had no right to act that way to my friends and I know that it doesn't actually make anything better because you're still dead and and there's nothing I can do and and I know you don't want to hear about how like you know how I feel bad or whatever but I just I just want you to know that um um that I didn't realize how much you mattered until I there you didn't you you weren't there and so you I just want to tell you that you did you did matter, and I'm so sorry. His brow is furrowed and his jaw is set. Roll persuasion one more time. Ooh, I got a good one, unfortunately. I did get a 19 plus 5.
Starting point is 00:35:17 Shit. Which I think is not the moral to take away from me. Yeah. You know? Well, he says, I guess it took some amount of courage to come here knowing that you killed me and knowing that that almost certainly guarantees you're not going up here later in life. That's why I assume this is not just for you. This is for this is a genuine apology. So thanks. Oh, you don't have to say thanks or
Starting point is 00:35:47 whatever but well i mean that's all you're getting i don't forgive you for murdering me and leaving my daughter without a dad you know what that's fair she started a pretty cool podcast though about your murder i'm just saying she's doing anyways i was just saying like margarita it's like she's really sad but i just thought you should know that your daughter and your wife are doing. If you have anything you want to say to them, we're going back. That's probably better. You want to if you have anything you want to give them or say to them, we can get the message to them. Yeah, because actually I was going to say that like she's doing well, but actually she's not doing well because she's spending her whole time doing podcasts.
Starting point is 00:36:20 Is she doing well? I'm just trying to tell the truth more often. Yeah, OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying these things. I'm not like anyways, I'm sorry trying to tell the truth more often. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying these things. I'm not, like, anyways, I'm sorry for that. That's a smaller apology compared to killing you. I'm sorry. Apart from the very brief period of time where we were all watching anime together and I felt like I had a friend group.
Starting point is 00:36:35 My man. You guys have been the worst thing that ever happened to me. Okay, well. Sorry, sorry. Just real quick. Can I ask you something? What? Did it hurt?
Starting point is 00:36:48 Like, not like when you were, like, actively dying, but then after. And actually, yeah, the whole, did it, how bad did it hurt? It didn't feel great. Okay. But then it felt like nothing, so it was fine. It was like walking into another room. Okay. Cool. Well, thanks. So it was fine. It was like walking into another room. Okay, cool.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Well, uh, thanks. Thanks for your time. Thanks for not making that a pickup line. Uh, I, I wasn't,
Starting point is 00:37:12 I wouldn't try to pick you up. That's entirely inappropriate. Yeah. Can I, can I ask a question? Fine. This has been up here. Have you like changed any of your opinions about like certain people and
Starting point is 00:37:21 things? Since we last heard about you, he was a bad person you don't remember this and they literally said he was racist right before he died I don't give a shit about this guy yeah he's dead and he's in heaven good for him
Starting point is 00:37:38 heaven really fucks up stories right because it's like yeah then he died and he's in heaven you're like well that's literally the best possible anyways all fucking lacks like looks that scary and he does not care about uh this guy but link's just happy that scary feels a little better no i'm still racist yep i thought so i'm only up here because i got baptized because i thought about my kids as i died apparently that's all it takes so and you love italian food and i love italian food so this is a little cheat code for you there, kids.
Starting point is 00:38:06 Heaven's fucked up. Can I ask you like another question? Oh my God, what? Knock, knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat my who? No, it's I eat mop.
Starting point is 00:38:19 I eat mop? You gotta say it. I eat mop who? No, God damn it, no. So that's what you do in there all day i got him mission accomplished uh mr pepperoni uh it seems like we've pretty much this seems like this conversation's running course i just want to say as a student in the school that we miss you and and it's been an honor and a privilege sir and again if you do have anything you want to pass on your wife and kid i'm i as a steward of Teen High, will deliver the message to them.
Starting point is 00:38:48 And I kneel. I think the best gift I could give to my wife and child is to ensure that you never speak to them again. So, no. Okay. Fair enough. All right. Well, goodbye, sir. Link leans over to Scary and is like, I think the best gift he could give his wife is die.
Starting point is 00:39:01 Because remember, she was not a fan of his at all. Yeah. That's just for Scary. that's just for scary that's just for scary and johnny barbaroni slams the door and all the cool items and stuff that he had in there uh goes unused oh wait wait do you leave a key under the mat no oh can link roll perception to see if you saw the items as he was closing the door yeah you got 13. Alright, with 13, you'll see one item. Let me see. Hey guys, I know that was a kind of weird conversation,
Starting point is 00:39:30 but he did have useful items in there. Do you want to get anything in there? No! I want to respect the man's privacy. I was just coming over here. What's he going to do though? A nice little character growth moment for us. Maybe our friend could unburden some of her demons. Well, she did. But then you guys ruined it by being big jerks.
Starting point is 00:39:46 Scary? Did you get what you came for? I don't know. I guess could unburden some of her demons. Well, she did. Yeah, but then you guys ruined it by being big jerks. Well, no, but she still got what she needs. Scary, did you get what you came for? I don't know, I guess. Dang, you know, sometimes it be like that. No, no, it feels like you didn't get what you came for. Because I did what I wanted to do with there, but it seems like you wanted to get something from telling Scary to go get an apology
Starting point is 00:39:59 and you're mad that we didn't do this. Oh my God, it's like when Grant would always have... Fine, fine, fine. Guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you. I know there. It's like when like Grant would always like, fine, fine guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you. I know there's nothing I can do that can make it better, but I, I'm going to try to,
Starting point is 00:40:11 to, to, to not be such a, an ass. And I'm going to try to be nicer, I guess. And I just know that I was just beyond shitty. And I know that the reason doesn't matter, but I just didn't know really who I was just beyond shitty and I know that the reason doesn't matter but I just
Starting point is 00:40:25 didn't know really who I was and it turns out actually I was pretty clearly just a piece of shit and now I'm trying to not do that and I know that I really hurt you and I'm so sorry
Starting point is 00:40:42 oh thanks Gary thanks Gary you've been pretty awesome you happy with that normal damn Taylor I mean even I was mad but like that felt like thank you scary I appreciate that I'm sorry normal I got upset I just feel dude says you seem you seem nice I don't I haven't known you for
Starting point is 00:40:58 very long but you seem nice so that's good no dude I'm a bad girl and it's not cool to be a bad girl. No, I know, but it's not. It's just, yeah. Look, we've all done bad things and there's some pretty bad people in heaven even. So like, I don't even know if like what we understand as morality is even like, like why we're trying to save the world right now.
Starting point is 00:41:17 So that's pretty good. And scary right now you're trying to save the world with us. So that's pretty good. Right. And I consider you a friend and like, I think that's pretty cool. So, you know, it's pretty cool so you know it's just like you know it's weird as i keep thinking about how like you know terry always said he was proud of me but he never knew me when i was somebody to be proud of so i think we're gonna
Starting point is 00:41:38 see him again we might we might find him yeah so the item that you saw inside tony peroni's house was the fuck you dad great sword which was sent to us by the raven king thank you the raven king it is a plus one great sword that has advantage on all attacks when it strikes a figure of authority the blade itself is incredibly dark gothic and unbelievably edgy that sword within it lies a spirit of pure teenage rebellion well it's not over yet so guys oh god i know this is a little awkward because this is a lot of feelings right now but like i do have to say what i saw in there was like a pretty cool sword that specifically
Starting point is 00:42:11 fought authority so like well i have a question for you do you think we could get in there and speaking of your relationship with authority how you doing man who are you talking to you me yeah oh um you know i don't know my dad's love loved me. That's cool, I guess. Yeah, it's great. It's pretty crazy that there's already a movie made. It's great. Everyone's getting nice little, yeah, all right. I knock on the door. As Grant and Sparrow are about to say something,
Starting point is 00:42:32 you knock on the door and Tony Pepperoni opens it. And he goes, what? Mr. Pepperoni, look, I can read the room. I know that we're, again, the last people you want to see, but we're on a mission of grave importance for the fate of the universe. And as much as it pains me to say it, the lives of your daughter and your wife may hang in the balance along with
Starting point is 00:42:48 everything and everyone else that you hold dear in your racist heart. And even the races you don't like, but some of them you probably still like, you know, people are complicated that way. Yeah. I sexualized some of them. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:43:07 We need that sword, sir. For the good of the land. Roll persuasion. That's a 15. All right. With a 15, he goes,
Starting point is 00:43:16 as long as it means I don't ever have to see you kids again, I will do whatever it takes. By, by troth and by my honor as a teen, I give you my word. Fucking fine. So he goes and he grabs the great sword. He goes, I was using this to fight a dragon, I give you my word. Fucking fine. So he goes and he grabs the great sword. He goes, I was using this to fight a dragon because I wanted to fight dragons.
Starting point is 00:43:30 It was fucking awesome. So, yeah, I guess you could have it. I guess I'm bored fighting dragons now. I'm on to new shit like making pizza. OK. That's what really heaven is. Just a lot of time for hobbies and shit. All right.
Starting point is 00:43:43 Well, that sounds healthy. And I hope you find what you're looking for up here and i i take this word so so far seems like heaven is nothing but a bunch of solitary men doing hobbies wow the dream let's go guys let's get out of here okay normal dejectedly drags the sword away as he walks off towards their next objective okay it's like kind of scraping along the ground is it kicking up cool sparks, though? It's kicking up the coolest of sparks. Cool sparks from the clouds. Can Doodler fast travel us to the portal? Awesome. Doodler with all the power of
Starting point is 00:44:13 Starfield. Hey, Doodler, it appears that we're 250 meters away from the door. Can we just... You're no problem. So he takes you back to the dolphin area and the dolphins all see their favorite guy piss boy gum toucher and one of them goes okay yeah and a bunch of dolphins come over and go okay and clap their flippers together waiting for you to whip it out you're somewhat of a celebrity yeah i'm gonna miss you guys you really helped me during a hard time um you didn't see me at my best but whatever i do for the rest of my life will make you proud when i get back up here if i get back
Starting point is 00:44:55 up here oh god oh i'm so lucky you know what i wasn't sure if i believed in heaven or not but now i know i got some friends up here if i do make it so there's something worth fighting for thanks a lot oh thanks guys oh man kick. Aw. Thanks, guys. Aw, man. Hey, you guys. One of them lowers its head to you as if asking to be Pat. Oh, ask.
Starting point is 00:45:11 I thought he wanted me to knight it. Oh, knight him. Knight him really quick with the new sword. Oh, yeah. I grabbed the sword. Excuse me. I'm holding that. Oh, can I knight this dolphin?
Starting point is 00:45:21 Whatever. Okay. I'll be right back. I go to you flippy the greatest of my friends i knight you a friend to all humankind and uh it's just a good just a good boy you're a good one and i knight him i go here's your sword back normal's already jumped into the portal okay oh shit okay guys let's go let's go. Let's go. Flippy starts pissing. Oh, wow. Because you taught him. I taught dolphins how to piss.
Starting point is 00:45:49 These dolphins lived in heaven. They didn't have to piss. It's like a dead poet society, but they're all standing up and pissing on desks. Oh, my God. All right. Lincoln Falls is normal. You zoom down towards hell. Even plummeting from the heights of heaven, you can see down in hell.
Starting point is 00:46:03 There are some flashing lights beneath red and blue. And you see what looks to be a sort of ambulance next to the gates of hell. Somebody is loading up a demon with a big piss-punched hole through its skull into a gurney. And they're putting the gurney into an ambulance. Wow. Yo, is he going to be okay? And Link checks his pants for any piss stains make sure there's no on the hand you gotta give i think you were probably for pissing for long enough that the
Starting point is 00:46:33 stains have dried up good so i think you're just checking the black light you all land outside the gates of hell no fall damage no fall damage in hell. And there's a bunch of hell cops and hell ambulances sort of posted up outside the gates of hell. Hell cops. Hey, that guy, that demon that died, he was bad, right? I talked to the ambulance driver. The ambulance driver goes, the demon? Yeah, he's bad. I figured.
Starting point is 00:46:56 This is hell, so yes. I know, but we went to heaven and some people in heaven were bad, too. Oh, yeah. Heaven's got some crazy bad rules about who gets to go in and who doesn't. Oh, my God. Who is this guy? Oh my god, I love this guy. He's a bad guy. I'm assuming that means there's also good people in hell too, right?
Starting point is 00:47:12 Oh, many good people in hell, yes, for sure. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Well, then what's the point of the dichotomy? Nothing matters anymore. I didn't make the rules. You just blindly enforced them. That's what I thought.
Starting point is 00:47:22 He's not a cop, Taylor. He's a living. Oh my god, he sounds like bartok from anastasia beth you're so bartok pill i know i'm so i'm a bartok cell hey buddy you can like just i'm assuming since you have this ambulance like you can kind of you got free like pass through hell right is that how ambulances work in other worlds once you're driving an ambulance you could just do whatever you want i mean if you if you're in an ambulance and you got the sirens on, I think most places will let you through is my point. Okay, I guess that's true.
Starting point is 00:47:49 That's fair. I'm just wondering. Guys, I'm just wondering if this is a good way to get in the ambulance and then we can drive however we want through hell. Nice. Yeah, I guess we could do that. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of a way to get through hell.
Starting point is 00:48:00 So just to be clear, you want to steal the wheels from this paramedic who is actively caring for the person you shot through the head with liquid from your penis. I was just thinking D&D game style is how this thing could actually make us work. Scary doubles over. Ow, my stomach. It hurts really bad. I think I need to go to a hell hospital or something. And I need to get there in a hurry.
Starting point is 00:48:24 Roll deception. to go to a hell hospital or something and i need to get there in a hurry roll deception but remember hell has privatized health care so that they're uniquely financially incentivized to give people oh no my rich friend is i got 16 yeah he goes oh you have a bad belly thing i can charge you a great deal for the ride in the ambulance if you want i'm coughing up blood yeah too and um she turns out her pockets where like some red sauce falls out and then also a giant meatball um oh god look what she just coughed up she smears the sauce on her mouth she's like please help me in this giant meatball get into this ambulance hey buddy can some of your friends help pick her up? And I look around thinking we could do the same scam as last time. See if he has anybody working with him.
Starting point is 00:49:08 I mean, yeah, I got my other guy that's driving the ambulance with me. Hey, come here. Hey. And he's going to call out the name of his partner. Actually, these guys seem pretty money motivated. We could probably just pay them for the ambulance. Hey, come over here, Titty Rogers Jr.
Starting point is 00:49:26 Titty Rogers Jr.? Yeah, that was sent to us by somebody calling themselves Titty Rogers Jr., so thank you for that. They put their own name in? Hell yeah. So, yeah, come over here. We need to load in this girl who's got the bad stomach ache. We can put her on top of the guy because he's not coming back. He got some holy water through the head.
Starting point is 00:49:44 That's a DLA if I ever have seen one. Okay, well, my spouses need to come with me. Yes, we are next of kin. That's true, we have power of attorney. Yeah, all of us. If she has a fatal tummy ache. And then my in-laws. And then this eldritch cod.
Starting point is 00:49:57 And our friend from school. Yeah, we can't leave her. Roll persuasion. That's a lot of people to go in one hand. I don't know. 16 plus 5. Okay, come on in. Yay.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Hey, while we got you guys here, it would be honestly most useful to us if we could just have that. Yeah, since we're mostly in here, we outnumber you, so are you gonna go to threats now i was just gonna drive you to the hospital no so i was thinking i was thinking you guys seem like stand-up guys hell speaking wise like compared to a lot of people in hell so i just thought i'd be honest with you like look we gotta do some stuff in hell you don't want to know about
Starting point is 00:50:40 it if it's in hell it's probably not good right well i mean okay sorry oh what's up scary okay so if one second you talk to my wife what's up oh yeah uh if my husband is talking okay um um so okay dude can use their speed thing to like get us around so why do we need well you could also use this thing to just yeet these guys somewhere else oh no it's a good idea sometimes i feel like i just like i just like march ahead and i don't tell you guys what i'm thinking so here's what i was thinking is like if we're in the ambulance we just go up to the gates and we say oh hey we got a heart attack call for Terry right they'll just point us to the direction of who we're looking for and we turn on the sirens and they'll just let us like drive through like I have a question yeah I turned to Nick the prince demon of hell that's with us right yeah hey thanks guys
Starting point is 00:51:23 for asking for my help yeah I um you're from here right yeah oh hey hey mr nick don't give a sass you've been here this whole time and haven't said a single thing i've been waiting for you guys to talk to me i didn't want to take over the story no no that's just my dad playing on his phone okay so you like my ambulance idea fucking marvel snap marvel snap the whole time yeah how you doing the marvel snap dad real good i got a mr negative deck that's fucking killing, bro. Wow. So if you drive an ambulance, will they just let an ambulance drive around if it's got the alarms and says it's going towards somebody?
Starting point is 00:51:51 Yeah, it's pretty much like Earth. Yeah, okay. But like, can't you just say that we're with you and then we can just get in here? Well, no. You guys aren't allowed to go back in. But you're a demon. Aren't there like special rules for you? There's special rules for me, but not for you.
Starting point is 00:52:02 Like, I can't sneak you in again without provoking my- Your dad has no juice in hell. Normal. Hey. Guys, normal. We went to go- No, stop. Hey, you got shit to say about my dad.
Starting point is 00:52:11 You got shit to say to me, my man. You want to throw down right here, right now, we can do it. I mean- Taylor's already like rolling his sleeves up. Okay. I don't- I mean, you know, I'm just saying, it seems like your dad, you know, it doesn't really like-
Starting point is 00:52:24 He seems like kind of a wuss down here. Whoa. What? Thank you. I hold Taylor. Hold me back. I'm just saying, he's a prince from hell. You'd think he'd be able to get somebody in, right?
Starting point is 00:52:34 Taylor and Nick start encroaching on you. My dad can get you free vegan ice cream at the vegan ice cream shop. My dad has so many cool decks in Marvel Snap. He can defeat anybody on his phone and any of these phone games so if you want your teeth still in your mouth i could kick the shit out of your dad and i did yeah my dad could beat up your dad i mean okay yeah mark and sparrow go like hey fuck you don't talk to my son that way oh they both accidentally say that simultaneously and they stand in front of you and they get in nick's face and it goes oh do we fucking have a
Starting point is 00:53:07 problem again and lark goes i don't know are we going to have a problem again and spirit goes guys guys guys let's calm down but yeah i think we might have a problem again don't say shit to normal you don't talk to normal okay he's out i'm talking to normal normal normal's what started it don't talk to my son well you know maybe i'm sick you pushing me around taylor i haven't pushed you around once yeah you've been yeah yeah you have probably like when i'm not of you pushing me around, Taylor. I haven't pushed you around once. Yeah, you have. Probably, like, when I'm not looking, you're probably pushing me around when you talk to Lincoln, scaring all that crap. Just because you're jealous of the cool relationship
Starting point is 00:53:32 I have with everybody, the cool dynamics I have with everybody, doesn't mean you can take it out on me. I ain't jealous. I don't have the cool dynamics with anybody. That's your problem, my man. Don't take it out on me, the coolest guy. All right, fine. That's what I thought walk away walk away okay guys look okay
Starting point is 00:53:49 well well normal maybe we have a cool dynamic when like i came up with like a cool plan to do an ambulance like after we did your plan to like force gary to like say sorry to like a racist asshole like i was like i came up with a cool plan and you didn't like you're like like taylor like you would be like we all let's do it. That sounds cool. And you were just like, Oh, after dad, his dad was like, that's a good idea. You're like, Oh, so like, you know, I don't know. You're my friend and my husband and everything. But like, I just wish like sometimes you would support like cool plans. Dude's like, they're arguing where they arguing.
Starting point is 00:54:19 I thought they liked each other. They do. They're arguing because like, this is like a really important thing that we're trying to do and so there's a lot of different ways it could go and i think that makes people nervous and so i think when people are nervous they act in ways that are kind of like dark and twisty and kind of metal to be frank but mostly unfriendly okay do i kill one of them or no no normal is just like his eyes are welling with tears. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:54:46 And something's like clearly eating him up inside, but he doesn't know how to express it. And he's just like, I just, you know, I just, you know, you know, just you guys go. I'll stay out here. You guys go. You guys go. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Yeah, you guys go have fun.
Starting point is 00:54:59 You guys go have fun. I'm done. It's just, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. What you're saying is crazy. You got to come with us, man. You got to come with us. Let's talk about it in the ambulance after we've either paid these guys or beamed them up. It's just, it's not fine. It's normal. What you're saying is crazy. You got to come with us, man. Yeah, you got to come with us.
Starting point is 00:55:05 Let's talk about it in the ambulance after we've either paid these guys or beamed them up. It's up to them. Hey, what is this about beating me up? Come on, man. We're beating you up with these dollars. Dat, dat, dat.
Starting point is 00:55:14 Now, dat, dat. I'll pull out my Hellbucks shirt. No problem. Nick takes out a couple of flaming coins. He goes, surely this will allow you to look the other way for an afternoon of joyriding. How much damage could they really do, kids? Come on. He's going to roll persu they really do kids come on he's gonna roll persuasion and we'll bring the ambulance back to
Starting point is 00:55:28 you and we'll bring the ambulance back you rolled a 17 so wow the paramedic is like all right but just make sure it's in the same condition that you brought it in when i gave it to you and leave the corpse where it is okay well wait wait if you're gonna say that let's be clear about this and link pulls out a little pad of paper and he drives he draws a little car like two sides of the car he's like let's go through and walk around check walk around how many dents are there on this thing i don't want to pay for this i roll perception to do the rental car walk around all right that's a 19 you do a perfect recreation of the car drawn in three dimensions on link's notepad you see the two of them like damn i was gonna try to get that dent fixed from them.
Starting point is 00:56:06 Yeah, they're upset at how good the drawing is. Okay, we'll wait for you here, I guess. Can you dad's drive and maybe us teens, we can have a little couple talk in the back because it feels like, yeah, is that cool? Is that okay? Normal? So normal has gone around the corner and he's
Starting point is 00:56:21 come back dressed in the teeny the teen outfit. You can't see, he's just an impenetrable, gritting, come back dressed in the teeny the teen outfit like just so you can't see he's just an impenetrable gritting rictus mask of teeny the dean it's like that no we're good we're good we're great let's go guys let's have a fun adventure this is gonna be great me and my three best friends and my future boyfriend and our non-Euclidean friend over here we're gonna have a fun time with my dads it's gonna be so fun guys it's gonna be great let's go and he pushes past you all to climb into the ambulance and there's the body still in the ambulance right yeah yeah we're all i follow oh that's fun you hear from normal as he opens and sees the mangled corpse of this
Starting point is 00:56:54 fucking i walk in and even though it's a demon like stares at the hole in the demon's head that he created with his piss grant immediately tries to put his hands over your eyes because don't look son it. It's okay. It's okay. You don't have to look. It's impossible not to look in a mirror. And I just stare. Oh, no, son.
Starting point is 00:57:10 Oh, no, my boy. Oh, boss kicks. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. Oh, no. Dad, you're supposed to be driving. Get in the front. All right, I'll get in the front.
Starting point is 00:57:16 This is only for people who are married. I try to grapple Norm. Okay, roll athletics. I got a 15. I got a 19. That's fucked. And so Normal clearly knows what's going on, but he plays it off like you're trying to hug him. He's like, hey, yeah, I love you too, got a 19. That's fucked. And so Normal clearly knows what's going on, but he plays it off like you're trying to hug.
Starting point is 00:57:27 He's like, hey, yeah, I love you too, Scary. That's great. Yeah, I am trying to hug you. Yeah, I'm trying to hug you too, so good hug. Good hug. We're great. I really appreciate the hug. That's great. And I sit in the corner. Staring at the wall. Normal turns the head around so that he's sitting
Starting point is 00:57:42 forward, but the head is staring at the corner. I'm a little sleepy, guys. So I'm just going to sleep. I'm just going to sleep till we get to where we're going. OK? OK. Scary. What's up?
Starting point is 00:57:51 Was I too? Was I too mean to normal? No, I just I just think Norm's going through like his own thing, you know? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's unfortunate because we can't do this without him. Yeah, man. If he was awake, i would tell him that he's pretty awesome yeah but he's asleep he's asleep you really uh that's right i'm asleep
Starting point is 00:58:11 you really hate to see it oh i'm so asleep can you guys roll perception please sorry what excuse me just like everybody in the ambulance the dad's roll a 19 natural one six i got six better what don't what don't i see um i got an 18 uh so next is scary the large meatball unfolds and says wow what a journey what, how big was that meatball in your pocket? Big enough, bucko. What? Hi, I have returned in your hour of need. Just like I said. Wasn't it good that I said that?
Starting point is 00:58:55 But anyways, I'm here and you need me for the daddy magic anyway. So what's going on, kiddos? Wait, is Daryl in the other pocket? Grandpa? Yeah, I got some bad news about your grandpa. Oh, no. You just left him? He's still in the timeout room.
Starting point is 00:59:11 Is the timeout room bad in heaven? It's great, kiddo. And I rolled deception. And I get a 14. I'm going to roll wisdom. This is what's known as the Santa Claus check. I got a natural 20. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:59:24 So what is the time I lied to? Oh, okay. Okay, I've never been there, right? Okay, yeah, okay. Yeah, as soon as I saw those angels and I chickened out and I just... They're all strong. He'll figure it out.
Starting point is 00:59:36 No, this is... Oh, yeah, we're going to go find Terry, Ron. That's great, my beautiful boy. Yeah, he's in hell. Yo. Which, as a matter of fact, I wasn't trying to say a judgment thing. I'm just saying we're here. As established, you could be a good guy in hell. So. Which is a matter of fact, I wasn't trying to say, that was a judgment thing. I'm just saying we're here.
Starting point is 00:59:45 As established, you could be a good guy in hell. So Nick jumps onto the CB radio and asks, does anybody have eyes on a recent entrant into hell? His name is Terry Sampler Jr. And then after a bit of static
Starting point is 00:59:57 that you can't really make out, he goes, oh yeah, he's in the Plains of Misery. He went straight there after arriving. Nick goes, yeah, I know where that is.
Starting point is 01:00:03 Yeah. All right. Everybody buckle up. And he presses a button on the dashboard and the ambulance goes, bitch! And the entire ambulance gets sucked down. It's like a novelty horn. Yeah. Gets sucked down into the worst hell.
Starting point is 01:00:16 Whoa! Okay, great. Ron looks really excited and Scary looks really not excited and is like, okay. Great. So I'll just, we'll see him And Scary looks really not excited and is like, okay, great. So I'll just, we'll see him soon then. Ron clocks this and is like, hey, kiddo, you scared to see your old stepman or something?
Starting point is 01:00:36 Stepman? Scary is like, I just don't know what to say to him. Like, you know, like, here's the thing. Like, Terry used to do all this shit that, like, annoyed the shit out of me, you know? Like, he'd say, do you want to come to dinner? And I'd be like, no. And he'd be like, are you sure? You know, like, doubting what I wanted, you know? And it was so annoying because then I'd kind of be like, damn, am I sure?
Starting point is 01:01:08 And now it's like nobody's asking me. So like I've never been more like unsure. And, you know, I think he saw like a really bad side of me, you know? Well, maybe he saw who you could be plus uh not everyone's as good at scoring goals as you are kiddo so he had a lot to be proud of even if you don't think that link leans over to normal he's like hey normal but buddy i know you're sad but i just need to talk to another spouse all right okay I'm just gonna see if you're listening I'm just not I'm not gonna remember we should be better we should
Starting point is 01:01:48 be making dinner more often and asking scary what she wants dinner okay cool good talk hey Taylor yeah yeah hold on I'm looking for rowdy injectables roll investigation I rolled a four plus two six I can't find
Starting point is 01:02:04 shit hey link have a look okay look for things with long scientific sounding names can you check on cross reference these on web md i'll look for that and you check in with normal to see if he's asleep or just mad okay all right all right well you search the drawers for injectables i got an eight you can't find any either there's nothing it just gauze and shit well I guess I'll just load my pockets up with whatever the fucking. What can I get? What can I get? It's a hell of an ambulance.
Starting point is 01:02:28 They don't fix people. They just take them and say, you're going to hell. They just drive them to the hospital. I go up to normal, the teen and teen costume, and I give him a big, strong pat on the back. Normal. Now he's asleep. He's asleep, Link. No, that's not sleep. That's he's asleep. He's asleep, Link. No, that's not sleep.
Starting point is 01:02:48 That's the silent treatment. So the hell ambulance comes screeching to a halt on the Plains of Misery. Hey, we're here, bud. A large, flat surface. The ground is nothing but skulls and bones inlaid with each other. Ah, misery. Best barbecue I've ever had. There's St. Louis and
Starting point is 01:03:10 Kansas City. I don't get it. Missouri. Oh, Missouri! Wow, Ben. That was good. One of the 50 states jokes? Holy shit. Check that one off the old list. 49 to go. Wow, I'm better than Supa John.
Starting point is 01:03:26 You can see the silhouettes of two people locked in combat. Combat. As the ambulance gets closer, you can see that one of them is Terry Jr. holding a flaming sword. And you can see that the other is Glenn Close holding a flaming guitar. You can overhear one of the shadows,
Starting point is 01:03:43 the Terry Jr. shaped one. Say, now finish it. And the two of them run screaming at each other, their weapons held high, and they bring them down in a horrible clash. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves
Starting point is 01:04:12 You should tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies that we sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change
Starting point is 01:04:51 We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson
Starting point is 01:05:17 Anthony Burch is our DM Will Campos is Normal Oak Beth May is Scary Marlowe and myself Freddie Wong
Starting point is 01:05:21 is Taylor Swift and special thanks this week to The Raven King and Titty Rogers Jr. for providing names that we used in this episode. Our theme song is on my way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer.
Starting point is 01:05:30 Ashley Nicola is our community manager. Cordy Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and Robin Rap is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon people with fine names like Alan Devlin, Eric Huffle, Mac N,
Starting point is 01:05:43 Osbian, Drew Fitzpatrick, Dylan Lackey, Emma L, Brian Tolbert, Zachary Hiranza, Padraig, Cole, Benjamin Miller, Scrupley Cactus, Brian Wing, Corey, Anya Klein, Roscoe, Aboyin, Phoebe Bailey, and Justin Melendez. You too can directly support this podcast and get immediate access to hours of bonus content because we do more than just butcher D&D here. There are plenty of other game systems that we butcher on our mini campaign some of which we cook up ourselves some of which are other systems from the must listen prequel mini campaign at the mountains of dadness to a star wars mini series to a regency romance mini series later this year matt's gonna take dm reigns and do a warhammer theme mini series and of course the one happening right now a murder mystery mini series these arcs
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Starting point is 01:06:54 our subreddit is dungeonsanddaddies. Our next episode will not be on October 24th due to a combination of the team traveling or falling ill. Don't worry, everyone's okay. We will have episode one of our miniseries, Dad, Then There Were None, a dad-a-thing Christy who dad-ed for you. And then right after that,
Starting point is 01:07:08 we're back to our usual release schedule. See you then. Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Bake, steal, and borrow Brave while we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today i don't need your sorrow come back
Starting point is 01:07:29 tomorrow i'll be on my way anthony watch your levels real quick can you drop yours down just a hair all right hey that was like the equivalent of like hey know what know what anthony hey fuck you dude nobody judges orchestras when they sound like shit in those first few seconds and that was just tuning that was just us tuning we're tuning up let's get it up

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