Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 46 - Lincoln in the No Holds Bardo

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

One way or another, Hell's getting a new puppet dictator...This episode contains Violence, Sexual Content, and Profanity.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twit...ter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found Swift the Unworthy. Takes on undefeated, Taylor Oakley swallows Garcia Marlowe Swift the Unworthy. We're only undefeated because we've never done this before. In an all-out, hell-in-a-cell-in-a-cell-in-hell death match. To the death, Normal Oak. Considered by many the pound-for-pound third best four-square player in his gym class. Taylor Swift, mall karate green belt, student of the blade, master of the blade pose.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Hey, but like, for real, can we just like rock, paper, scissors or something? Two children will enter, one child will die. The other will become the American government's puppet overlord of hell. Please, I don't want to do this. I'm not a competitive person. Please. See the fight that has the CIA saying, we can
Starting point is 00:01:04 neither confirm nor deny that our agency has any records regarding your request. The CIA proudly presents the Confrontation, Indamination, Coronation bout. Order it now on AT&T DIRECTV, the only cable service in hell. welcome to dungeons and daddy's not a bdsm podcast instead no no matt what no if you didn't say my name nobody would have known who it was. You're so little daughter. Yeah, I don't know about that, bud. I don't, yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:47 This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. This season, about four teens from our world sent to save the original. Why did Matt do that? Why not? Because it was there, Will. Yeah. Because it was there.
Starting point is 00:02:00 Four teens from our world sent to save our world to fix the mess that their grandparents caused and make an eldritch friend in the process. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the once ranger, now tiefling rogue. Now I'm like, it would be so much worse if Matt had done it after you had said your name or after one of us had said our names. I did it at the only right time. This week's Taylor fact, we got a lot of the close-ussy in the last episode.
Starting point is 00:02:27 The klissy? The klissy. The glissy-klissy. The glissy-klissy. You may think that Cassandra, Taylor's mom, is a blameless angel in all of this, right? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I think that's one of the animes she was in, Blameless Angel.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Blameless Angel, yeah, yeah. Here's what happened. This scene was not seen, but immediately after Taylor throws away his green belt years ago, the scene that happens immediately is that Cassandra goes, oh, honey, you look down.
Starting point is 00:02:59 Is everything okay? And then Taylor looks up and sees right across the street from the mall karate place, mall ninja shit. And Taylor goes in and she buys him four katanas that's a good mom five mom cassandra swift did nothing wrong yeah she's got to redirect your energy somewhere because otherwise it's going to turn into something dark a taser yep like straight up a taser this woman has done nothing wrong. And a grappling hook. She's doing her best. She's a single mom, Freddie.
Starting point is 00:03:28 Not spending like a single mom. Take that out. She's making anime money, Matt. Absolutely not. Let's stay at it, Matt. That's so good. Good cries. So good, Matt.
Starting point is 00:03:39 Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. No, sorry, Matt. You get your uh. You get your uh at the beginning. You get your bad joke. Yep.
Starting point is 00:03:48 Hi, everybody. Anyone who is a single mom or was raised by a single mom, you know who to go after. The nut boy. Hi, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play. See how weird it is, Matt? That wasn't weird at all, Will.
Starting point is 00:04:03 I'm going to say my fact. I'm going to say my fact. Meeting direct eye contact with you from now on. Hi, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson, the schooled-at-home soccer kid. Mmm. I hate this energy so much. Schooled-at-home soccer. I can't even remember now.
Starting point is 00:04:23 Will's making me blush. The school-at-home soccer kid who is the protective paladin of his group. Little known fact about Lincoln. So as we know, his parents are very protective, and Lincoln often wanted to climb over those walls and play on the playgrounds with the other kids. And the only way he was allowed to go outside and play with anybody else is he had to sign an NDA first. What? And what does NDA stand's a near dad agreement you always have to be near dad no matter what so he's agreed he
Starting point is 00:04:55 always has to be near dad can I ask as we all know in legal parlance a contract is only good as your enforcement mechanism what was the way they two and a half feet no but how did they enforce that? What do you mean? What is the punishment for getting out of two and a half feet? What if he goes beyond two and a half feet? He's in breach of contract. Yeah, then Lincoln's in trouble.
Starting point is 00:05:11 Then what happens? Sue him. Yeah, sue him. I don't know. No FIFA that night. You're telling me he never got in trouble? No, Lincoln always obeyed the rules. Wow.
Starting point is 00:05:19 Yeah, sorry. Loser. Lincoln's cool like that. Okay. At what age did the contract... Because obviously he's been...'s got rid of it specifically when he went to school because school obviously he could and then his entire life he was never more than doing it oh when he went outside when he was in his yard and so he could do whatever
Starting point is 00:05:36 he want but if he's gonna go outside to playground something that's even stranger than the little monkey backpack with the leash tail yes it. Yes. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal Oak. Hi, Will. Matt's looking at me. He's a perky baby, chipper cheery school spirit mascot kid. Given that normal may be about to inherit the mantle of hell,
Starting point is 00:05:58 I thought I'd talk about the other time normal ran a country, which is when he ran Ecuador in the school's model UN and accidentally started World War III. How did Ecuador accidentally start World War III? So normal the previous night at the big football game ruined the game and caused the team to lose after a really botched like front hand spring move distracted the team during a clutch field goal. Everyone was super mad at him. Model UN's the next morning and the rest of the world declared war on him. Sounds like you were just bullied. Yeah, that's fair. That's really what a world war is.
Starting point is 00:06:30 You didn't start World War III, they did. That's not on you. Poor normal. Hi, I'm Beth May. Oh my god, who did that? Who did that? Sorry. So inappropriate. Oh my god. I was looking at you three. I thought we were all going to do it do it oh my gosh i can't believe it
Starting point is 00:06:47 i play scary marlo godfung secret of darkness is not like the other warlocks doesn't want to care anymore fun fact about scary is that at teen high she actually headed a petition to make emo music into black metal because black metal sounds cooler but she doesn't actually like listening to it oh yeah so if you could imagine like the soundtrack to twilight new moon being called black metal like that would that's like what yeah that's kind of like what scary was going who is she going to to Twilight New Moon being called black metal. I love this fact. Yeah, that's kind of like what Scary was going for.
Starting point is 00:07:28 Who is she going to submit the petition to? Like, what governing body would be able to decide this? Ecuador. Ecuador? Yes. Ishkor's guide to electronic music
Starting point is 00:07:36 will obviously. The Spotify Nation, as exists in this iteration of reality. Spotify Nation. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. You sounded sad at the end.
Starting point is 00:07:47 That's too bad. It is when it's Anthony. What does that mean? What the fuck? Matt's coming in. It's over. Matt started today. Before the record, Matt was like,
Starting point is 00:07:56 can we take a few minutes? My blood sugar feels a little low. I'm just going to have a graham cracker and a soda pop. And folks, that was not the right decision because Matt's coming in that's wearing like a matt's got like a shirt on i've never seen him wear before i think it's such a cute shirt like as soon as matt opened the door i was like hello look at that cute shirt it's
Starting point is 00:08:13 kind of like bahama dad like he's the energy that's coming in with us straight i came in straight from margaritaville yeah i wish what am i i'm your dad hey dad your dad fact or teen fact for today is that some people are asking questions about Jodi and Scam Likely. Like, how did that come about? Why are they together? And it's because Scam Likely thought it would be funny. Wow. That's pretty much just it.
Starting point is 00:08:34 I think he saw the most straight-laced dude he could possibly see and decided to corrupt him and give him a child. And so he scammed Jodi into falling in love with him. And it worked. Because that's a thing you can do. I love a marriage for the bit. Last episode, you managed to get the second and third out of four
Starting point is 00:08:59 injections of daddy magic. That juice. That juice into your jar. Just as you were about to leave hell to go find the final piece of daddy magic, which would be with Henry Oak, the CIA invaded hell with the might of the American army behind them and basically said they are taking over. And as part of their takeover, as is wanted to do for the CIA,
Starting point is 00:09:19 they need to install a new dictator. Am I crazy? Anthony has kind of flattened the FBI and the CIA. They're one thing now. Okay, I think that's beautiful. They're all TLAs. The FBCIA. All FBIs are CIA, but not all CIAs are FBI.
Starting point is 00:09:33 Thank you. The feds appear and basically say that somebody else needs to take care of hell, and it might as well be one of you. And both Taylor and Normal volunteered to be the king of hell, so they summoned a big lava cage from the ground and said, only one of you could leave. And that was where we left off last episode. Do we level up?
Starting point is 00:09:54 Yes. You leveled up twice because each time you managed to get a big, important daddy magic memory, you got another level. So you guys are now two levels higher than you were previously. Well, 13, 13 and scary.
Starting point is 00:10:03 I'm 14. Let's just say that i will campos power gamer may have chosen a feat that will help normal of course you would choose feet you perf no i'm just kidding there's nothing wrong i feel like that deserved a better laugh than it did no it's because it's offensive to people who like feet and i acknowledge that i'm sorry we kind of also made a bunch of jokes about the word feed sounding like feed before the podcast started. It just kind of played out. Just wasting gold.
Starting point is 00:10:27 Just pour that pasta water right down the drain. Okay. Go ahead, Will. Oh, okay. You got a feed? May I start? May I finish? Let's see the feed.
Starting point is 00:10:34 All right. Let's see them. Let's see them. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I picked a fun thing that'll help me in my fight with Taylor. That's what this is. Is it to stop the fight and just be friends? So really quick, Andy.
Starting point is 00:10:44 Shit, I should have picked that one. Andy, can you describe the octagon that we find ourselves in really quick? The canvas upon which we paint. So you know the Thunderdome from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? Fuck yeah. Half of a sphere made with a bunch of individual bars of metal that sort of give the sphere its structure. But those individual bars are made of lava. You can feel the heat radiating from the walls of the dome.
Starting point is 00:11:04 And there are obviously big openings between these rods of lava where You can feel the heat radiating from the walls of the dome. And there are obviously big openings between these rods of lava where everybody can see you fighting. Are they big enough for us to like climb through? No. Well, you can try. You'd have to contort yourself pretty well, but you can give it a shot. Okay. Do you have to like dip your butt?
Starting point is 00:11:17 Yeah. You have to do like a weird butt first, like compress your spine thing. Entrapment. Yes. You have to entrap yourself. Yeah. You have to Catherine Zeta-Jones it. Okay. Okay. Those two poses, the blade pose and the Catherine Zeta-J. Entrapment. Entrapment. Yes, you have to entrap yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to Catherine Zeta-Jones it. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 00:11:26 Those two poses, the blade pose and the Catherine Zeta-Jones entrapment pose are like the two like physical poses I think about maybe more than any other
Starting point is 00:11:34 physical poses. For different reasons. They are the two genders. Yeah, the two genders. We don't want to fight. Time out, time out, time out, time out, Mr. Schmeck. Where's my cut man?
Starting point is 00:11:41 Right here, right here, Taylor. Whatever you need. And I'll give you your cut man. No, I'll give you your... No, I'll be you your cut man. No, I'll give you your. No, I'll be Norm's cut man. Okay. All right. Hopefully we're not going to get cut though.
Starting point is 00:11:49 We need our cut men in the ring with us. Okay. Schmagan says that's not how cut men work. They wait outside the ring. But they're going to get burned if they try to cut us from the ring. Because the ring's so hot. They can reach their arms through. Well, I think that we should have some sort of like maybe magical enchantment that we
Starting point is 00:12:04 can wear around our bodies so that we won't get cut by the fire. I mean, burnt by the fire. That'd be a good idea. I don't have one of those. Mr. Schmagan? Mr. Schmagan? Agent Schmagan. Agent Mr. Schmagan. Can I just give the hell thing to Taylor? Is that an option? I'm pretty sure the throne of hell has to be
Starting point is 00:12:19 earned by blood. One of you's got to kill the other, surely. Could you just have it? I don't really like to get involved in politics. I'm sort of a, more of a neutral third party in all this. I was there on January 6th, but. I'd like to roll to Grima Wormtongue Schmeggin for a second. So persuasion?
Starting point is 00:12:35 A persuasion roll, if you will. A Wormtongue roll. I got a 21. Jesus Christ. Alright, what do you want to convince me now, Anthony? It's over. Schmeggin, you yearn for power. The man behind the throne is the one who carries the most power. It's just like when I wanted to be head cheerleader, and they were like, you can be the manager of the cheerleader.
Starting point is 00:12:54 And I was like, yes, I shall. Okay, you just convinced me to be the man behind the throne. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. You just said the man behind the throne has the real power. He wants to be the puppet government, and we would be the ones, and he'd be behind us. That's like the whole point. He's not even more sure of what he wants to do.
Starting point is 00:13:15 Schmagan, the man behind the throne is nothing. Well, you didn't roll a 21 when you said that, so he definitely believes what Cameron said. How about they just both be the leader? That's cool. Okay, so really quick. I want to check, using my insightful manipulator special ability what's schmagan's int and whiz versus my int and whiz he's got a 17 int and an 18 whiz wow smart boy cia doesn't skimp damn it that's like way more than okay this cia doesn't skimp on the
Starting point is 00:13:38 nootropics they give their agents nice their stacks are out of this world. We're super gonna fight, but we need to discuss terms first, right, Taylor? Yes. I go up to Taylor, and I whisper real low, hey, Taylor, okay, here's what I'm thinking. You, like, you pretend to kill me, and then I'll take a dive, and then once they lower the
Starting point is 00:14:00 gate, we get out of here. Guys, we need to find, like, a third person to be, like, the actual king, because there's no way they're gonna let you out of here if they think that you're the gate. We get out of here. Guys, we need to find a third person to be the actual king because there's no way they're going to let you out of here if they think that you're the king. Can I roll insight on Schmagan? Sure. I want to see if I can get a sense of who he would want in a perfect world to be the leader. Ronald Reagan.
Starting point is 00:14:15 He's got to be down here somewhere. He trickled down. 14. Wow! You get advantage. That's nice. It was kind of the obvious choice, but... I mean, you got to it first. It doesn't matter.
Starting point is 00:14:28 No fruit tastes sweeter than the low one. So the 14, you can tell that he kind of doesn't give a shit, but if you had to lean towards anybody, he would lean towards Taylor because his family lineage has the experience of managing hell. Okay. I don't know where that was going to go. Okay, okay, so yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:43 Hey, spectators, is there anybody here who secretly or not secretly kind of wants to be the leader of hell? Let me roll. For the assembled masses of the might of the United States military. So a nine. It's me.
Starting point is 00:14:59 Marine Corporal Sergeant David Hellman. David loves Satan. David loves Satan here reporting for duty, guys. I'd like to be promoted to the role of leader of hell. Great. Is there anybody who wants to kill David? We can kill him. I'll kill David.
Starting point is 00:15:15 No, what? He looks really big. What are you doing? All right, sounds good, says David. No, no, we need a more important person. The cage barely opens enough for him to walk through. This guy's huge. What are you doing?
Starting point is 00:15:27 You have David, Satan lover. I roll in. I roll out. Both of you roll dexterity. To try and not hit each other. A natural one. That's wild because I literally got a natural 20. Do they cancel each other you talk into each other
Starting point is 00:15:47 and you both bounce backward and stay exactly where you were oh my god oh normal wait how are you out there wait no are you in there i'm still in here oh i didn't get in oh i thought i did a really good time i've been working on my front handspring i thought i got really good i guess not i guess i gotta practice more yeah you just front handspring i'm into him it's a marine in there right yes david saint lover is in there he's ripped off his shirt he's he's got is that really necessary he shows off his like goat head tattoos i know who he'll listen to and mr schmaken i look i say i'll be right back bitches and i want to grab ab Lincoln, who, remember correctly, was down in hell. Yep.
Starting point is 00:16:26 Saying bitch along with Link from Legend of Zelda. Yep. Mr. Lincoln. Yes. This country, hell, needs your leadership. So if you could just, like, come with me. I was busy. You can't tell a lie. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:48 You're not busy. You haven't done anything. No, I was just rewriting my memoirs. Dude, you don't need to write memoirs. It's an old history. If I turned around and caught the bullet. All right. I'll come down with you. Hey, scary. Wow wow there's more than four score and seven people down here wait one second scary what's up schmagan says there needs to be bloodshed right so like if we find like hey abe yes i want to take a shot back at mr booth that's all i've been thinking about the entire time i'm down here i've been looking for him but he's been ducking me like a pussy. Deceive him.
Starting point is 00:17:25 Deceive him. That David Satan lover. Maybe Megan will let Abraham Lincoln become the president of hell if he kills Mr. Booth. And Mr. Booth would totally want to become president of hell. And Mr. Booth changed his name, right? To what was it? David something? Oh, scary.
Starting point is 00:17:42 Holy shit. Cut to normally fucking Taylor getting piled right on the fucking ground by Davidson. He's got one of you in each hand. He's just smashing at each other like dolls. Wait, time out, time out. Mr. Michigan Reagan, I think there's somebody you're going to want to see here before you let this fight continue. You too, Mr. Marine. The Marine turns around and goes, Mr. President.
Starting point is 00:18:03 Mr. President, it's an honor abe link he goes that doesn't sound like john wilkes booth at all he's like he's sneaky like he said something to you before roll the deception yeah he just said it's an honor no i mean did john say anything to abe he's at six semper torrentis while he says that whoa okay has he been beating our ass for the last minute i feel like that's pretty safe to say. Okay, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. All right, okay. Using my master of intrigue and my insightful manipulator, that minute observing his beating my ass,
Starting point is 00:18:35 I feel like gives me the ability to mimic his voice. Will you grant me such a thing? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. If you were going to say, I can fight like him now, I would have bought that more than you saying I can mimic his voice. But I'm so good at voices, Anthony. No, that doesn't make any sense. Oh, scary's going to roll deception to convince Abraham Lincoln
Starting point is 00:18:51 that this is John Wilkes Booth. I rolled an 11 plus 7. Wow. Okay. So an 18. So he goes, that John Wilkes Booth always was a master. He's an actor. He was a master of disguise. He was the greatest actor who ever lived. And Hermie goes, oh, come on. So Abe goes, let me in there agent schmegan goes yes at once mr president we're tagging him in we're tagging him in tagging me and we're out all right roll dexterity see if you can get in
Starting point is 00:19:16 before the door closes behind abe can i lean into mr schmegan sure hey there's no nothing against rules like you could arm mr lincoln right the president? I think he needs your sidearm. I don't think he needs anything. You're about to see a real fight. Okay. All right, so what did you guys roll trying to get out of the cage? I rolled a 22. I rolled a three.
Starting point is 00:19:35 Okay. Taylor rolls out effortlessly into somehow a combination of blade and entrapment pose. And Normal manages to remain inside while... What is that, like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's exactly like that. Straight up, yeah, yeah. Ass up.
Starting point is 00:19:50 Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to role play. Okay, so yes. Now inside the Thunderdome are David, Love to Satan, Abraham Lincoln, and normal Oak. Things just are going from bad to worse over here, I feel like. I turn around and I'm like, Two minutes ago I was going to fight Taylor,
Starting point is 00:20:05 now I'm going to fight this huge guy in Abraham Lincoln. Taylor turns around expecting Norm to be right behind him. He's like, we got out of that scrape. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Norm, what are you doing in there? Norm, pray for me. Schmagan goes, all right, it's triple threat rules. So whoever gets the first kill gets to be president of hell.
Starting point is 00:20:22 Just hide, Norm. Just don't get involved in the fight. Yeah, just hide. Just like, you know. I'll be the Ecuador of this situation. Just kind of lay low. Immediately, David loves Satan, looks at you, because you're obviously the easier person to kill than Abraham Lincoln.
Starting point is 00:20:34 And Abraham Lincoln, by the way, Abraham Lincoln was like a cage fighter. He was. He wrestled a lot. Super strong. He rips off his chest, and you see he has like not a goat tattoo, but like a tattoo that says a house divided itself. Don't eat cats, Dan. Don't eat president. his chest and you see he has like not a goat tattoo but like a tattoo that says a house divided itself. It's kind of wild because it's a house divided itself cannot stand and it's like an arrow
Starting point is 00:20:51 pointing down to his dick. I think he's got two dicks down there. Normal roll initiative with me. Deep within Taylor there's an impulse to be like can I bet on this fight? I want to help Abraham Lincoln like concentrate on fighting David, but Lincoln wouldn't know anything about the Civil War, so.
Starting point is 00:21:09 I got a 12. Okay, so you get to go first. So first thing I do is I turn back to my friends. I say, guys, go find Jody. Go find Morgan. There's still a whole other hell thing going on here. I'll keep everybody distracted. I'll try to keep the attention here at the show.
Starting point is 00:21:22 That's what I do. I'm a mascot, and I know how to fucking keep people's eyes on me. So I'll keep everyone distracted. You guys go liberate hell. But like, I want to see if you die or not. Yeah, I'm kind of invested in you. We're out of here. All right. Then normal is going to turn around and crack his knuckles and crack his neck like he's in Yakuza. And he's going to like put the fucking teeny the TNR outfit back on. Just give me one sec, boys, to suit up into my fighting outfit. OK, that's what I'm doing this turn. That's your whole turn.
Starting point is 00:21:54 OK, cool. David Lovesayton is going to come and deck you as hard as he possibly can. Oh, no. All right, so he got a 19. That is going to hit my AC. Okay, so you're going to take 2d8. Where's the box? Well, never mind.
Starting point is 00:22:14 It's 2d10 now because I can't find any d8. No! Oh, no. Oh, that's not so bad. Eight damage. Eight damage, okay. Where's your health at now? So I have 94 health.
Starting point is 00:22:23 Wow. So when I said eight, I meant 32 damage. What? You take 32 damage. Okay. Where's your health at now? So I have 94 health. Wow. And he just got double. So when I said eight, I meant 32 damage. What? You take 32 damage. Wait, why? Because he punched you really hard. He's a Marine.
Starting point is 00:22:33 That's like all they do. Yeah. That is punch. Two things they do. Punching and amphibious operation. But he rolled an eight. Yeah. Yeah, but he's in charge.
Starting point is 00:22:41 Fucked up, right? In hell, all damage is quad. Yeah, dude. I don't want to hold you to that. Yeah. It's consistent now. Quad damage.
Starting point is 00:22:48 It's like in Doom. Everybody has quad damage permanently. Fuck yeah, dude. All right. So Dave Lincoln, he's going to deck you as hard as he can. He does 37 damage. Wait, is Honest Abe coming at me, too? No, no.
Starting point is 00:22:57 No, no, no. Honest Abe would never watch a man beat a child. Honest Abe is not going to let that stand. No. Honest Abe is going to try to tackle. He still thinks it's John Wilkes Booth. Yeah. He thinks it's John Wilkes Booth, so he's going to tackle him around the stomach. He has a natural 20.
Starting point is 00:23:11 Oh, yeah! So Abe Lincoln does a fucking running spear on him like Roman Reigns. He gets him down onto the fucking ground and then pins his arm behind his back and then takes out his finger guns and puts them to the back of his head. He goes, how do you like it? Oh, my God. And the rabbit punches him as hard as he can. So he's going to do. his back and then takes out his finger guns and puts them to the back of his head. He goes, how do you like it? And the rabbit punches him as hard as he can. So he's going to do... What's a rabbit punch?
Starting point is 00:23:31 The head punch to the back of the head. Oh my god, that's so illegal. Yeah, it's very illegal. You could go to jail, Beth. That's how illegal it is. 17 times 4. His fight's going to be over very soon. So he does 68 damage to David loves Satan
Starting point is 00:23:45 and David goes it's an honor fucking his teeth just eject from his fucking mouth but he goes but I want to be Satan so bad I'm still willing to do this alright it's normal's turn now okay what a guy that loves Satan
Starting point is 00:24:02 but also really loves Abe Lincoln real complicated guy normal is going to What a guy that loves Satan, but also really loves Abe Lincoln. Real complicated guy. Normal is going to... This is tricky, because Normal doesn't want to be king of hell. Yeah, he's got to run. Let Abe Lincoln finish this guy off. All right, yeah. I'm like, yeah, you go, Abe.
Starting point is 00:24:15 You got him. And then I'm going to cast... Sing the National Anthem. Oh, he wouldn't know that. Sing a song, a patriotic song to inspire Abe Lincoln. I know the National Anthem. Who do you think sings the National Anthem at the beginning of every game? No, but I don't think so.
Starting point is 00:24:27 They had the National Anthem when Abe Lincoln was around. Wouldn't it be the same thing? War of 1812 is when they had the National Anthem. Yeah, but it wasn't the National Anthem. It was just a shitty song. It was just like a shitty poem. It was just like a shitty poem. I'm going to cast...
Starting point is 00:24:40 It's just a shitty song. It was a great song. Wait, what was the national anthem then? Hold on. Do you even have one? It officially became it in 1931. Okay. Wow, that took a while.
Starting point is 00:24:50 Other hymns. So Hail Columbia was for most official functions. My Country Tis of Thee, which is God Save the King. There you go. My Country Tis of Thee. Whose melody is identical to God Save the King, the United Kingdom's national anthem. That's pretty rowdy. That's fucking bullshit.
Starting point is 00:25:02 That's pretty shimpy, dude. No, that's hard. We beat them. No, that's hard. We beat them. No, that's like you broke up with your ex, but then you're like fucking checking their Instagram all the time.
Starting point is 00:25:10 No. It's like you broke up with their ex, but then you buy their house. Beat that. Beat that or America. Normal casts hold person
Starting point is 00:25:19 on David Love Satan. Yeah. And then I'm also going to sing the battle hymn of the Republic to pump up Abe Lincoln. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:26 John Brown's body lies molded in the grave. So what is whole person? Is it just like a wisdom saving throw or whatever? Yes, wisdom 16. Wisdom 16. Ew, he got a 19.
Starting point is 00:25:37 I'm so sorry. Ooh! John Brown's body lies molded in the grave. He's run away. His truth is marching on. You got to save him! So as you run away from him, he gets to make an opportunity attack. A 16?
Starting point is 00:25:52 Yeah, that hits my AC of 12. Okay. 18 times 4. 72 damage. Oh my God. All right. Normals and deaths. Can I plunge my hand?
Starting point is 00:26:04 You said you can fit through it, but I could probably fit my hand through the cage. Yeah, for sure. I want to do lay on hands on normal. All right. Go ahead and roll initiative. See where you go in the order. 19. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:26:16 You get to go next. Yes. All right. So you lay on hands normal. So I feel like normal does like a fucking like in creed when he gets uppercut and then you're like, he's slow mo falls into the thing. Bell's wrong. He's looking back at his old life just fucking just him getting dunked on 24 sev by everybody's just like normal no and i reached my hands like and when i said i want to be taylor's cut man i thought like the cut man was the person who cuts them as in like i didn't want
Starting point is 00:26:42 to cut you because like you're my bro. You know? So, like... Bro! Here. And I'm going to do the lay on hands. I'm just going to do the whole lay on hands. Which is... The whole ten fingies. I'm filling out that whole... I'm just using it all. Alright, whatever. I can do 65. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. What?
Starting point is 00:26:58 As an action, you can touch a creature to restore any number of HP remaining in the pool. My pool is 65. Holy shit! a long rest wow paladins are fucking buff okay yeah so you give him 65 health points back that's brisk baby oh my god i'm back baby, you know what Link uses? Instead of smelling the salt, he uses the perfume that you gave him. The essential oils.
Starting point is 00:27:28 Oh my God. That's eucalyptus, baby. That's eucalyptus and BO, baby. Norm, get out of there on your next turn. Oh, yeah, right. All right, Abe's going to take another swat at David Loves Satan. David Loves Satan.
Starting point is 00:27:41 Yeah, natural one from Abe. No. So he somehow ironically throws a punch so hard he hits himself in the back of his own head and he goes, not again.
Starting point is 00:27:49 And he falls over. It is now Normals' turn once more. Norm, get out of there. What happened to Honest Abe? Is he alive? Is he dead? Don't worry about that, Norm. Come on.
Starting point is 00:27:57 He knocked himself prone. What class is Abraham Lincoln? Abraham Lincoln is a fighter. He's a fighter. Nice. What level is he? He's level 20. Are you kidding me?
Starting point is 00:28:03 This is a derail, but do you remember that movie The Fighter? I'm just thinking he had multiple derail, but do you remember that movie, The Fighter? I'm just thinking he had multiple actions. Do you remember the trailer for the movie, The Fighter? Yeah, where it made it seem like the movie was not about what it was actually about. So very specifically, there's this one thing I constantly think of. It's just in the movie, like his hand gets broken.
Starting point is 00:28:17 Yes. And then in the trailer, they added this ADR where like a cop goes, he's a fighter. Break his hand. Yeah. Holy shit. I totally forgot about fighter. Break his hand. Holy shit. I totally forgot about that. Oh my God. Anyway, I guess it's one of these things like normal does like a little squat and then I'm going to try to do like a perfect pirouette dive
Starting point is 00:28:35 through the bars of this thing and then just get wedged halfway through. Which is burning you. Because they are made out of lava. Scary kicks him back into the cave. because they are made out of lava. Scary kicks him back into the cave. So normally you only take 2d8 for that. I'm going to roll initiative if that's okay.
Starting point is 00:28:53 Yeah, go for it. And me too. Both of you. I got 17. I got three. Is my dad or my uncle, are they anywhere? What's going on with the grownups just watching normal get tag-teamed by Abraham Lincoln and fucking a huge
Starting point is 00:29:05 wrestler guy yeah so as you look around you see that lark and sparrow have been surreptitiously moving behind agent schmegan and one of the uh marines and they have their hands on their guns it looks like they are about to try to put a gun to schmegan's head and basically try to use him as a hostage to call this off unless you you want to stop them from doing that. No, normal in a daze. He sees in this blurry moment his dad and his uncle. He was like about to tap out and he's like, I gotta keep fighting. I gotta distract Schmagan.
Starting point is 00:29:36 Spill my tech and kill him. And I'm going to get back up. And then is it my turn? Whose turn is it? Right now it is Scary's turn. I will probably have to roll for this because my idea is to cast Wall of Fire between Norm and like basically section
Starting point is 00:29:51 off the... Are you describing a Jez Ball situation, Beth? Yes. To protect Norm. To protect Norm. Yeah, go ahead and give me your roll. Hold on. Alright. Excuse me. I've never played Jez Ball. Okay. Okay. That's scary, scary Beth god damn it welcome to the party pal
Starting point is 00:30:07 what do I have to go just jazz ball google jazz ball it's the first thing oh jazz that was a little joke about jazz this is an easy one
Starting point is 00:30:15 so I think you just have to complete the first level okay how do you do it I'm not gonna explain it okay cause he's a feminist just don't hit the balls
Starting point is 00:30:23 left click to create a line the line is split into red and blue halves. Oh, my God. Okay, wait. Okay, sorry. Okay, okay. Didn't know I had to...
Starting point is 00:30:31 Just remember this is my life in your hands, Beth. Okay, okay. If a line hits the boundary, that half becomes a boundary. What the fuck? This is so poorly explained, in my opinion. Okay, I'm just going to raw dog it. Continue. Classic.
Starting point is 00:30:44 Oh, I start with 10 lives this should be fine do arcade do arcade well okay each level has one more life than there are balls fucking what okay okay what do i do i'm trying okay he's gonna split i'm fucked. I'm doomed. Okay. I'm trying to like... Okay? It's not going well. Okay. They're separate. They're separate. Why does it keep going? Because you gotta get more. You gotta complete the level, Beth! You have to cut off more of the level.
Starting point is 00:31:15 Okay. And it's vertical? There should be a way to... Right click. Okay. Well, that fucking sucked. So, after getting kicked through the cage by scary normal that experiences spell and hurdles me into a wall of fire yes so take what is the damage for a wall of fire um oh no at level 14 by the way beth level 14 i believe you cast it yeah um so that's 6d8 okay so we're gonna roll that and then multiply it by four Yeah. So that's 6d8. Okay.
Starting point is 00:31:48 So we're going to roll that and then multiply it by 4. We truly are. So it's 22 times 4. Okay. So that's 88 damage. So I'm once again. Are you double? You're not dead. You're not doubled yet.
Starting point is 00:32:00 If you get to whatever your health is negative, then you're dead permanently, but you're not there yet. Shit. I should have just used like ten laying hands. Alright, so I'm in death saves again. Okay. You basically just see me fly through this wall of flames and then just this like chicken tender just slides up between Abraham Lincoln
Starting point is 00:32:16 and fucking David Hellsatan. Norm, I tried. It's just I'm not I'm not much of a gamer, you know? Normal flashes back through his whole life again in another slow motion knockout montage it's just a repeat of all the same bummer moments of like his fucking dad like not supporting him and his friends kind of all just not like he kind of gets the vibe that they don't like him that much he's just reliving it all back to his birth again
Starting point is 00:32:39 although he does remember he does remember link doing lay on hands I can't do it again I'm sorry it's now Taylor's turn. Taylor's going to roll one of his Mall Ninja smoke bombs underneath. I'm going to cast Darkness. Okay. Darkness creates a, from the point I choose, 15-foot radius sphere. Creature with dark vision can't see it. Non-magical light can't illuminate through it.
Starting point is 00:32:58 So it's basically a big old orb of darkness. We've seen this in the past. I'm throwing it into the middle of the ring and causing the ring to be blacked out so that nobody in there can see anything and no one outside can see it either. Okay. Causing, hopefully, a distraction on Schmaken. You have done that.
Starting point is 00:33:12 No one can see the boy who you need to heal now. Well, then they can't see you either, dude. Okay. But he's in death saves. He needs somebody to heal him. Taylor's going to whisper underneath, hey, man, just, like, keep breathing. All right. So the entire cage is dark now
Starting point is 00:33:29 and now there's normal start. Normal, give me a death save. Okay, what do I do for that? You roll a d20 and you want to get above a 10. That's a 15. Okay, so that's one successful death save. You need three to get up and if you get three fails, you die.
Starting point is 00:33:41 Okay. It's David Love Satan's turn. He's going to try to hit Abraham Lincoln now because Abraham Lincoln is on his feet, but he's going to do so with disadvantage because it's dark.
Starting point is 00:33:49 Oh, and also, there should be a chance that he runs into this wall of fire, right? Oh, sure, sure, sure. I'll roll to see if he runs on the wall of fire. 15.
Starting point is 00:33:56 He manages to barely evade the wall of fire, but he whiffs on Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is going to counterattack against him. Give me a cool Abe Lincoln like one-liner. I cannot tell a lie. This is going to counterattack against him. Give me a cool Abe Lincoln one-liner. I cannot tell a lie. This is going to hurt.
Starting point is 00:34:08 Sounds like American Dad a little bit. I can't tell a lie. He rolls a natural one. I can't? He once again punches himself in the back of the head. No, Abe! And knocks himself out. No!
Starting point is 00:34:20 So he takes 14 times. He rolled a natural one when he chose Andrew Johnson as his running mate. Am I right, everybody? Boom. Am I right? A little history for you all. He takes 56 damage, and he is almost dead.
Starting point is 00:34:32 What? Oh, no. Need to do some reconstruction on that face, eh? Wow. All right, now it is Link's turn. What is Grant doing? Grant is... Was about to sniper shot one of them, and then all the lights went out.
Starting point is 00:34:44 Yeah. The worst dark move. Pretty much. He's got a sniper rifle and he's just like, well, and he just shrugs. He just goes, well, he just throws up his hands.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Can I hold my turn and be like, Taylor, you need to turn the lights back on. Well, hold on. I was just, look at what our dads are doing. They're about to take out Schmagan and I don't know what's taking them
Starting point is 00:35:03 so fucking long. Well, yeah, be quiet about it, will you? First you're turning out lights and then you're talking about what our dads are going to They're about to take out Schmagan and I don't know what's taking them so fucking long. Well, yeah, be quiet about it, will you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frisbee Tree Outlights and they're talking about what our dads are going to do. What are you doing? Did you want them
Starting point is 00:35:10 to do it or not? What? You wanted them to get Agent Schmagan? Yeah, because I want Schmagan to be like, hey, what the hell? I want to see
Starting point is 00:35:15 what's going on in there. So they're like about to kill Schmagan? Lark's about to put his gun to Schmagan's head and Sparrow looks like he's about to steal one of the guns
Starting point is 00:35:21 from one of the Marines and they're going to try to hold Schmagan hostage to get you out of there. That's what it looks. And they're going to try to hold Schmagan hostage to get you out of there. That's what it looks like. I'm going to run over to Schmagan and put myself between the guns and Schmagan. The guns that Lark and Sparrow are holding? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:34 What? Yeah. And we'll be like, stop. Stop. You just can't keep killing. Schmagan, look at me. Turn around. Schmagan looks at you.
Starting point is 00:35:41 Yeah. So there are guns behind you. Like, I just saved your life, dude. What? around schmagan looks at you yeah so their guns behind you like i just saved your life dude schmagan turns he goes what the fuck and uh sees that lark has his hand on his gun and he goes shoot that motherfucker and points at lark oh sweet baby boy link i gotta do my action though yeah okay okay the moment i can tell that schmagan is not listening i'm going to hit him on the head i won't stop him for talking i I'm going to fucking punch. I'm going to kick him. You want to bop him on the snoot? Okay, go for it.
Starting point is 00:36:07 Boop him on the snoot? Freddie, can you imagine, like, an After Fight interview with a boxer where he's like, yeah, um, in the third round, he just really booped me on the snoot. Snoot, snoot time, I threw up a Philly shell. Gave me a love tap on my schnozzola.
Starting point is 00:36:22 I'm in my bonked up state, man. Manny Pacquiao moving in for the mlem. Uh-oh, that's a K out. Somebody is eepy. A natural 20. 27. So what are you trying to do? I'm like, Schmagan, look, I saved your life.
Starting point is 00:36:39 And then he's the moment I see that he's narc. Link, a true narc, knows when somebody's about to narc. Like the moment he sees that Schmagan is about to instead of listening he's gonna tell him to shoot him i want to snap schmagon's neck yeah i want to do like the black widow i want to like jump on him and a hurricane run and bring him down and then like hold his like mouth shut okay cool so i want to whisper into his ears now that he has to listen to me okay what do you say i turn his head to look at the darkness i'm like well you can't see what's in there but it's a child being attacked by our greatest president and a marine look what you've done what do you even stand for at this point
Starting point is 00:37:17 what do you even stand for this is entirely your idea that's right man look into the darkness look what you're doing hell? Look what you've done. That's right, man. Look into the darkness. Yeah, look what you're doing. What are you doing? Just let us out. Gaze upon this stunning visage. If you want hell so much, you can run to hell.
Starting point is 00:37:33 And then Taylor turns off darkness in that moment. What do we see? You see Abe punching himself in the back of the head. Look at our president. Look what you're doing to our greatest president. I tie my grip a little tighter. And you go, and if you don't, if you remember what I said when you interviewed me i said if you ever mess with my family i would kill you and yours and unfortunately i guess lucky for you half your family's already dead but you're still here
Starting point is 00:37:55 and i started tightening my grip more oh my god he's gonna take psychic damage from that and that's quadrupled. So he takes 48 damage. This is the move we should have been doing all along. Not that there's no attacks. It's just everything hits four times as hard. It's way easier. Dark Souls combat. Yeah, your fights just take like one round.
Starting point is 00:38:17 I shouldn't tell you bloodied stuff because it's 5e, but he's bloodied. Like just you saying that has bloodied him. He's down to less than half of his health. He's just got nosebleed from it. Yeah, blood shoots out of his fucking nose onto the hot ground of hell over skulls and shit. Now it is Scary's turn. And you can also control your dads and stuff.
Starting point is 00:38:32 I think Ron's just like, yeah, whoever wins, I just want everybody to have fun. And Scary's going to cast Spider Climb on Norm. Norm, just hide up at the top man like just like so you see spider hairs grow all over his arms and legs as he's driving on the ground a paramedic comes in to drag normal out but he's stuck to the ground no i didn't know i mean i knew but i just didn't notice normal's passed out thing you notice is Norval's passed out, and when you cast Spider Climb on him, his legs just kind of curl in like a dead spider.
Starting point is 00:39:10 I can't do anything right. All right, Taylor, it's your turn. Wow, I've kind of done everything I meant to do. You turned the lights on and off. You piece of shit. Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. You ready for this? Do you have any healing? No, I don't. I got it. I got it. You ready for this?
Starting point is 00:39:27 Do you have any healing? No, I don't. I don't. He did when he was a ranger. I'm going to cast thaumaturgy. You just do it. My voice booms up to three times as loud as normal for one minute. It's going to do nothing.
Starting point is 00:39:43 He got rid of the classic heal up and now you're just going to do nothing. He got rid of the classic helip and now he's just going to yell. All right, what do you yell, Taylor? I yell, I yell, normal! Get up! Normal! Get up!
Starting point is 00:40:07 Get up! Can we do like, if I roll a natural 20, this works? Yes. Like deep and you're swimming in your subconscious, you know, and you hear this voice, this angelic voice calling to you. That's an 11. Okay, so it doesn't work.
Starting point is 00:40:23 It does nothing. You just, as you're drifting in and out of consciousness, you hear your name get shouted. It is now your turn, Normal. Give me another death save. Well, I'm out of ideas. Link's just like holding his magic. He's like, yeah, that's right. See my team. See how strong we are. He can never defeat us. I got a 14. Okay, so that's
Starting point is 00:40:39 another save. And Taylor looks around and is like, I'll take credit for that one. Normal's just sort of floating in an inky black void. And he's starting to see like a dim light come back into his field of vision. Oh my gosh, guys, we should do the movements from OA. He's like, this is just like on the OA. It is David Love Satan's turn. And he sees that our beloved President Lincoln has knocked himself out a second time.
Starting point is 00:41:02 So he's going to try to pounce on him and just keep hitting him in the back of the head. So he does. And Andy is baring his teeth. He can't attack the commander in chief. He needs to roll against his training.
Starting point is 00:41:20 He's supposed to take a bullet for him. He's supposed to take a bullet for him. I'll have him do a whiz save to see if he does it. If his love for wanting to be the king of hell outstrips his demands of being a Marine to protect us from all threats. Foreign, foreign, domestic. Yeah, foreign, foreign, domestic.
Starting point is 00:41:38 Okay, so he succeeds at the wisdom saving throw, which means that he manages to triumph over his Marine conditioning. And he hits Abe Lincoln in the head so hard, which means that he manages to triumph over his marine conditioning. And he hits Abe Lincoln in the head so hard his head explodes. Like a ripe watermelon. This is the first death that's mattered. The whole show.
Starting point is 00:41:56 Wait, no. Oh, God. That wasn't the real Abe Lincoln. God, it's like Oberyn Martell. It's bad. Agent Schmank goes, it's over. It's over. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:42:13 Does Lincoln take damage for his namesake dying in front of him? Yeah, why don't you take a D6 of psychic damage? Times four. Times four. Oh, God. Times four? Yeah. Worst case is 24 damage.
Starting point is 00:42:24 Yeah, no, I took 12. 12 yeah that's not so bad so the cage dissolves around you and david loves satan covered in the blood uh and brains of abraham lincoln i did not see this going this way looks at his hands yes yes yes me me new satan new satan and shmagan goes i uh he probably honor you as the new king of Satan. Link's going to let go of Schmagan's throat and run straight to normal to check on normal. If you roll a medicine check, you'll be able to stabilize him.
Starting point is 00:42:51 Ooh, can I do that? Before you see whatever fucking that traitor says. Well, I got 15, I'm sure, plus. Yep, that stabilizes normal. It counts as another save, so normal is not dying anymore. He has one HP, basically. Normal comes to and sees Link.
Starting point is 00:43:06 Did I win? Did I get him? Even better than that, buddy. You're a spider boy. I'm a spider boy. All right. Hey, I got to tell you something. I want to tell you something before you see it yourself.
Starting point is 00:43:17 Okay. You've lost your mustache. What? Because it's singed to the fire. No! It's going to grow back. It's a must. It's okay.
Starting point is 00:43:31 Normal breaks down into Link's arms. What's Schmagan do now? He's looking at the corpse. Yeah, so Schmagan's looking at the corpse of Abraham Lincoln. The man who saved the Union. The man who saved the Union. He stands and he... All because he said bitch.
Starting point is 00:43:42 The $10 founding father without a father. and he sort of- All because he said bitch. The $10 founding father without a father. Got a lot farther by being a lot smarter and working a lot harder, Anthony. He asks David Loves Satan to kneel, and then he takes the sword from Glenn's hands. Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's my sword.
Starting point is 00:43:58 Oh, you hear the ch-ch-ch of many guns around you pointed at you, ready to blow you away. So are you going to let go of the sword or not? Whatever. So he you going to let go of the sword or not? Whatever. So he takes your flaming sword. Any on either shoulder of David's love to say, and he goes,
Starting point is 00:44:11 Oh, Oh, thank you. And he becomes the new king of hell. Can I look at grant? Cause grant, you said had a sniper rifle. Yes, he does.
Starting point is 00:44:18 Prime. I'm ready to go. He has the possibility to do the funniest possible. Who is, who is grant pointing at? Grant is pointing at Schmagan. What would the dads want? And there's a bunch of guns on him now, too,
Starting point is 00:44:30 because they can see that he's pointing the gun at Schmagan. Oh, how do they see him? Grant's such a bad sniper, he's not up in the... He's hanging out. Oh, okay, yeah, I'll give him a stealth roll and see if he can hide. We'll see if he escaped from the original... I'm going to say that the darkness turning on and off
Starting point is 00:44:41 gave him an advantage on his stealth check because everybody was so distracted by that darkness that he went into stealth mode. And yeah, he is successfully hiding under a pillar of skulls. Hell yeah. He's got. It's just a little sniper rifle barrel coming out of one of the guys. He's got a skull over his head.
Starting point is 00:44:55 And you can see if you want, he can have the thing. And you see the like the laser sight, the red dot on Schmegan's head. Do we want him to kill Schmegan? What do we want? Obviously, we want to save Norm and we want to go to Oak. You just need to get out ofagan? What do we want? Obviously, we want to save Norm. We want to go to Oak. You just need to get out of here. What do we care?
Starting point is 00:45:07 Yeah, so we don't really care. Normal peels himself up off the ground. His clothes are completely singed off. So he just kind of walks over, feeling pretty zorched up to Schmagan. He's like, but Schmagan, look, look. And I point to dude who is like, that's the doodler, man. like the sky's blue up there now we
Starting point is 00:45:27 don't need hell why why are you guys taking over hell megan goes that's the doodler yeah get him immediately into his wrist he shouts get him and a bunch of the soldiers are going to try to leap onto dude army pulled a link oh it's harder than it looks guys i was thinking some pretty uncharitable things about you while i was unconscious but it's harder than it looks guys i was thinking some pretty uncharitable things about you while i was unconscious but it's hard to make the right choice tell grant to do it a bunch of marines jump on the dude i rolled for like five of them and all but one of them managed to tackle them to the ground i'm not at grant so you hear the clap of a sniper rifle and agent schmegan's head suddenly has a third hole in it. And he crumples to the ground.
Starting point is 00:46:07 Immediately, the Marines, panicking, not that Marines would do that necessarily. If you're a Marine and you're listening to this, I apologize. Marines are not listening to this, I don't think. Probably not. We're going to find out now.
Starting point is 00:46:21 The Marines panic, as they do when they hear gunfire. Here's what you do. Listen, Freddie Wong now. The Marines panic, as they do when they hear gunfire. Here's what you do. Listen, Freddie Wong here. Don't worry, Marine. The training level's gone way down in the future. You're the best one. Yeah, it's true. You're the apex of Marines.
Starting point is 00:46:34 It all went downhill after you left, you personally. You're the few, the proud, but in the future, there are many. And less proud. The many. Schmegen slowly fades away, and he watches these Marines panic and he goes, this is what happens to the military when you have 20 years under Democrats. So the Marines start panicking and gunfire just starts going off. There's a shot and then there's another shot and it becomes a complete cacophony of gunfire.
Starting point is 00:47:02 I really rolled to hit the ground. What would that be? That'd be dexterity or acrobatics. Funny, man. I like that. Thank you. Taylor, nine plus 312. Four plus 711.
Starting point is 00:47:12 Seven plus 299. That was a seven. Okay, so everybody that got less than a 10 is going to take... Less than? Yes, less than. Hell yeah. I got 10.
Starting point is 00:47:19 Oh, Norm. Okay, so just normal is going to get hit, winged by a bullet. Well, normal has one HP. Oh my gosh. So he's going to take 1d6 times 4.
Starting point is 00:47:32 Oh, it's still quad damage? You're in hell, bro! Any damage is going to get you to death saves. But it's only 1d6. Alright, so you only take 6 damage. You are back in death saves. Normal slow-mo flies through the air and sees his whole life.
Starting point is 00:47:47 The exact same memories in the exact same order. Scary tries to lock eyes with Dude. Dude, it might be time to, you know, be a bad girl. Dude's pupils dilate. And upon hearing it's time to be a bad girl, Dude is going to... Natural 20. Oh no!
Starting point is 00:48:09 Why did I do this? The marines around them begin to shiver and shake and suddenly purple tentacles jut through their bodies, violently ripping out their internal organs, slashing around them and cutting them into more pieces than a person should be in, which is, I guess, more than one. It's just a rain. It's just a slurry. It's a slurry that just fucking goes into the air and starts raining down on all of
Starting point is 00:48:29 you. Dude stands up and like a hundred tentacles are just coming out of them, whipping back and forth, just decapitating and killing and being the baddest girl possible. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's yeah. That's that's enough.
Starting point is 00:48:40 That's it. That's good. That's good. That's good. You are the best bad girl. Yes. Go ahead and roll persuasion to see if you can convince them to stop the killing spree. Okay.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Okay. Okay. I got a 16 plus seven. Wow. Okay. Cool. The dude whisper. So dude sucks all the tentacles back in and now all the guns are trained on dude.
Starting point is 00:49:01 As Schmagan hits the ground, out of his pocket falls one of the portal guns that you saw the cia use when they were chasing him into the school nice link will grab it from the blood of schmagan and he's looking at the open gaping wound hey link i could turn the lights off to cover our escape hey taylor you've you've done quite enough turning the lights off for this normal is trying to say is there actually a good idea this time oh yeah okay i can't you can't hear that because normal can't talk yeah well link wants to grab the portal gun and then i guess my plan is to run to normal and i want to signal everybody to essentially like i want to shoot a portal
Starting point is 00:49:40 like underneath normal's body and like all of us like jumping and i want to cover darkness that okay cool that's great but wait taylor if there's darkness we might not be able to see that we're all making it to the next portal yeah we don't need it to be dark i'm just looking at my spells and there's nothing there. Why are you looking at spells? Is no trick pony a saying? Oh, wait. Actually, Link goes, no, that's good. Just aim the darkness at the Marines.
Starting point is 00:50:16 Not where we're running to. Cover all the Marines who could shoot at us in darkness. Wait, because some of our dads are over there, right? Yeah. Can we check to see if Ron and Terry are okay? Like they. Can we check to see if like Ron and Terry are okay? Like they didn't get hit by the bullets? Yes, Ron and Terry hit the deck and they're fine. Okay. As did all the rest of your dads. Grant is still
Starting point is 00:50:32 hidden. Lark and Sparrow hit the deck and they are now pulling out their guns and they are going to start shooting at the Marines as well. Our dads can take care of themselves. We got to go. Okay. You hear Grant and Bello from the Tower of Skulls go, go! Lark and Sparrow are going to run and grab Normal and just start sprinting with him toward the portal
Starting point is 00:50:48 if you've shot the portal already. Yeah. Dude, Hermie, come on! The gunfire continues as Dude starts to run and bullets just start passing through them. Dude flinches from every bullet hit, so you get the feeling it's doing something, but not a whole lot.
Starting point is 00:51:00 And Hermie barely limps in after you. Scary links eyes with Terry and Ron and says, am I going to see you again? Terry nods sagely at you. Then he says, go. Okay. Okay. Bye.
Starting point is 00:51:13 Bye. I, yeah, bye. Come on, Scary. Let's go. Everybody get in. Okay. And then right before Taylor gets in, Taylor goes like, try and follow us, idiots,
Starting point is 00:51:21 and cast darkness. And Nick and Glenn look at you, and Nick says, We can take care of him. Yeah, that's what I figured. Okay, bye. He goes, That's my son. Joey goes, Darkness. Darkness.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Okay. Infernal darkness. All right. At his feet. Your stomachs lurch as you jump into the portal. What did you set the destination to? I assume San Dimas because that's where Henry is. Whoops.
Starting point is 00:51:50 Wherever it would, I mean, we're going to be serious, but just wherever. I don't know how this thing works. Last location. Last known location. Okay, last known location. Star 69, Star 69. So you Star 69 it and you find yourself
Starting point is 00:52:01 in an adult entertainment store. He's asexual. Isn't that wild that Star 69 is not a hilarious number when we knew it, but now it is? Yeah. Yeah, we've grown. C-A-L-L-A-T-T is going to be the sex number of the future, dude.
Starting point is 00:52:18 So you feel your stomach slurch as you head to the portal. Wow, I haven't thought about the 10ance in a while. You fall through the portal and you all land hard on the ground. So you land inside FBI headquarters which is a familiar place
Starting point is 00:52:33 a familiar place to link. But you're on what seems to be a floor full of just office workers and stuff who regard you with curious eyes and confusion. And as you look around... Temp agency. Temp agency, sad ass. Where Mr. Schmagan's just shh, you guys know the drill.
Starting point is 00:52:49 Go ahead and roll persuasion. Or deception, rather. Taylor gets an 8 plus 11, 19. Oh yeah, can we use that roll? I like that. What did you get? There you go, 16. Okay, so both of you succeed, so they... They're used to seeing some stupid shit in this office. It's a living, and they go back to typing at their computers.
Starting point is 00:53:06 And everything seems fine. And then you hear... And when you turn, you see the form of Hermie the Unworthy collapsing against a wall. A sucking wound in his chest. And he's beginning to bleed out. What the fuck? I mean, Link runs to, like, how wise he heard. He got shot
Starting point is 00:53:25 in the crossfire and he goes, normal. Normal. I do medical check on normal so he can be alive for this. Wait.
Starting point is 00:53:35 Yeah, you're in death saves. I am in death saves. He's an NPC and does not get that luxury. Oh, no. What do you want to say?
Starting point is 00:53:43 Hermes, normal help. I look out to the officer. He's like, do something. It's a living. Go get... I'm going to look around for a stapler so I can staple up the wound. It's an office, right? You find a stapler, but you see that the wound is basically over his heart.
Starting point is 00:53:57 And Hermie is coughing up blood and his eyes are glazing over and he's trying to say something. And he's going to to for the final time roll performance and he says normal I like you too
Starting point is 00:54:12 and then he slumps over cool all our days whisked away is there something more to say you know that no one knows us better than ourselves. You should tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right
Starting point is 00:54:45 It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, Make steel and borrow. Break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today. No, not today.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way Thank you. Ryan Goldsmith, Cooper Ferguson, Tim Roses, Aiden, Feast of Fiction. Hey, wait a minute. David Sand, Fresh Prince of Ben Hare, Scumbag, Cam Burger and Fries, and Mitterbork. It's that time of year again. It's Cyber Monday, Black Friday sales, purchasing things online time, and we're doing it too.
Starting point is 00:56:17 Head on over to store.dungeonsanddice.com to see what we got. First off, 20% off everything in the store, and there's a lot of reorders that happened. The two things that haven't quite hit yet, the way deck of daddy things season one dice those are a little more complicated to manufacture those are on the way we expect those to hit in december and like honestly real roll the dice if it's gonna get there in time for christmas but we're working on it we're doing our best just hard times all around for decks of things eh those are coming very soon but a bunch of other restocks hit including including the Odyssey Sun hat, which is a perennial favorite.
Starting point is 00:56:46 We also have the last of our Do or Die Tour merch. And once it's gone, it's gone. Follow our social, Dungeons and Dads, on Twitter to know what's happening. We can also follow our Patreon. We're really excited about, we're doing a little digital download pack. We're calling now,
Starting point is 00:56:58 that's what I call Daddy's Volume 1, which is just a little sampler of some Patreon stuff to just give you an idea of what goes on we've had some requests from people to be like oh what's it like on some of the higher tiers if you're already a patron and some of the people who are outside of patreon who are you know wanting to dip their toes into it without committing well here's your chance that's gonna be all at store.dungeonsanddads.com if you wish to support the podcast directly you can do that too that's patreon.com slash dungeons and dads hours and hours of bonus content and by the way good news
Starting point is 00:57:23 for those of you who are supporters of the Patreon and who listen to the audio on Spotify. We've created official easy to use playlists of all of our audio content. All divided up. You can find all the uncuts, the audio MBICs. Obviously, the video ones won't play in Spotify. Our mini series, our bonuses, Talking Dad, Teen Talk. All of it in an easy to navigate playlist. Go to DungeonsandDads.com, click on Patreon at the top,
Starting point is 00:57:46 and then there's a little FAQ link to some Spotify playlist that you can add to your account. That website, once again, dungeonsanddags.com. Merch, store.dungeonsanddags.com. Thanks for listening. Our next episode is coming out to December 5th. We will see you then. Not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:58:04 Make steel and borrow Brave while we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I just rolled sense motive and I got a natural one.
Starting point is 00:58:28 So normal is going to, I don't know what normal does with that. Yeah. You'll, you'll never know if he was telling the truth or not.

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