Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 47 - Inside the Actor's Funeral

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

As the teens seek crunchy munchy refuge, they must deal with the loss of a team member.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at o...ur website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Start off, me bout to croak. Where are the clouds? Isn't it strange? Love we despise. One of us four chap around One fourteen high Where are the clouds? There ought to be clouds
Starting point is 00:01:00 Now I can see It was a scam Hating my father instead of just holding your hand Making my exit so tragic as all great actors do My final line I like you too Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A podcast about Dungeons and Dragons, and specifically for kids, for teens, for young adults from our world. Let's be clear.
Starting point is 00:02:11 This podcast is not specifically for teens. It's also not specifically about Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, boys, you want to find you do it. Fine. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's not a BDSM podcast. It's a podcast. You get them, Will. We do every two weeks, and we have fun here, and we get to know each other and learn about each other
Starting point is 00:02:29 and learn a little bit more about ourselves in the process. I'm pretty long. It's an interview podcast. Yeah, what's the show about? The show is about four teenagers who, through a series of unfortunate events, have been entrusted with fixing the world that their grandparents messed up back in season one
Starting point is 00:02:46 of this same podcast, Dungeons and Dragons. Four teenagers. Our podcast, Dungeons and Dragons, Will! No! You fell for the trap.
Starting point is 00:02:54 Again, Will! Again! I tried so hard. I got so far. But in the end, it was a BDSM podcast. It was a BDSM podcast. My name's Freddie Wong.
Starting point is 00:03:05 I play Taylor Swift. The no longer ranger, rogue, teen, gone rogue. The darkness casting. The darkness casting rogue teen. Taylor's a teen fact. Last episode, he faced down normal in the ring. It got me thinking about in the octagon. Did that count as a face off?
Starting point is 00:03:24 No blows were traded between normal you two are on the same team they can you know no contest that but like let's get here's the thing though made me think about taylor's first fight oh yeah this actually goes into why he got into mall karate in the first place taylor got into a fight when he was like in the math here let's say like fourth grade okay because i buy it like he was kind of playing around with it and what happened was he was getting bullied at school for his collectible card game you know which was which was let's see we're talking about the future so it's no longer magic it's just the disney 100 shit isn't that thing that's happening with disney
Starting point is 00:04:02 right now what is that that's a disney card now? Larkana? Larkana. What is that? That's a Disney card game. It's Disney's Magic Academy. You briefly heard me talking about it just a moment ago. Dog. Yeah, dude.
Starting point is 00:04:10 He made eye contact with you while you were talking about it. Yeah, apparently it was just do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do in your brain while Matt was talking.
Starting point is 00:04:17 Yep. Yeah, so he was playing Larkana. He got bullied for it. The bully, Steve, took his shit. It's a real journey we're going on. I bully, Steve, took his shit. It's a real journey we're going on. I took his shit.
Starting point is 00:04:27 I took his shit. And then his response was to kick Steve in the nards. Freddie, you're delivering this like the kid that has to stand up and give a book report on a book. Oh, he is. Yeah. Real, we went to the moon in 1969 energy. Since the dawn of civilization, there have been fights. He kicked Steve in the nards, dude.
Starting point is 00:04:48 Which caused, of course, parent-teacher conference, the whole thing. And then his whole thing was he won the fight. And then he went to his mom and he was like, but I need to defeat him without marking him somehow. I must learn the arts of martial arts. So that's why he got into Christ, so that he could
Starting point is 00:05:04 beat up kids better. Without getting in trouble. Without getting in trouble for it. Okay. Yep. He wanted to learn about pressure points. Interesting. Do you remember pressure point discourse? Dude, pressure point discourse was the real. Pressure points were such a huge part of my mind share growing up.
Starting point is 00:05:20 Just thinking about, like, you're telling me if I punch someone just right. I had a kid at my school that would always, like, at school they'd pull'd pull out like a knife and be like you know that any knife over two inches uh illegal this knife's illegal you also know that i'm so good at pressure points i have i were to try to do them on you i won't show you because if i tried to do them on you it counts as a weapon and it's also illegal like everything everything he saw would just be this guy fucking rules yeah every school has the kid that's like do you know that my fists are technically weapons and you're always like should you be here shouldn't somebody say
Starting point is 00:05:51 something about this like it's also one of those things i don't know if it's true but he'd always be like you know a noose is legally a weapon if it has 13 wraparounds on it that's such a specifically weird i was always like that can't be true because Does that make the news more effective? Your honor, it was only 12 wraparounds. I can't be responsible. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln, Boss Kicks, Lee, Wilson, Oaks.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Nothing. Go ahead. You said your name weird. I said my name weird? I'm sorry. I'll do mine weird again to make you feel better yeah anyways he's a schooled at home soccer kid who's become a spouse and friend and protective paladin to his classmates little fact about lincoln this is the worst time
Starting point is 00:06:36 he's ever lied to his two beautiful parents is actually how he got into school finally they had a big fight lincoln wanted to finally go to school he didn't want to be homeschooling more because he wanted to join the soccer team marco was kind of okay with it grand was a firm no so lincoln declared no to actual schooling yeah grand yeah he's like no you're staying at homeschool it's dangerous out there like you gotta stay home so lincoln decided because they were on there this is a new part of the fact that i just thought of on the fly just like freddie was thinking his whole fact on the fly here's a little on the where's the shade coming from guys it's an improv podcast you don't have to be mad about coming up their monday night movie was hunger so he was like you know what wait wait wait wait wait wait wait so you know what which hunger the hunger strike was the steve mcqueen hunger steve
Starting point is 00:07:19 mcqueen they watched steve mcqueen's hunger what? he had the whole McQueen movie month it was Papillon the month before no no no no no no the month before different Steve McQueen yeah it's a different Steve McQueen oh I thought we were talking about
Starting point is 00:07:34 the other Steve I thought we were talking about Bullet Steve McQueen Director Steve McQueen Director Steve McQueen anyways look it was like you know what Hunger Strike sounds like a good idea
Starting point is 00:07:40 so he decided to go on a Hunger Strike until Grant agreed but here was the lie he was eating the whole time he stayed outside and said I'm not eating So he decided to go on a hunger strike until Grant agreed. But here was the lie. He was eating the whole time. He stayed outside and said, I'm not eating. But he had hidden a bunch of treats and snacks all throughout the yard. So he would walk around and look all skinny and look all sad.
Starting point is 00:07:57 And he'd get behind a tree and go. Can I intercept this? Can I intercept this with a, this overlaps with one Taylor fact, which is one of the stashes had a bunch of really good Japanese snacks. You're like, I don't remember putting this stash out here. Cut to Taylor being like, hey, where'd all my Pocky go? Very good. Squirrels must have gotten to it. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play
Starting point is 00:08:13 normal oak perky peppy chippers perky perky peppy chippers cherry school spirit mascot kid. You should let us touch your knees before the recording. Matt is obsessed with this concept. Just leave that in with no context for the office. I'm nervous about this episode.
Starting point is 00:08:30 It's going to be a lot of normal stuff. And Matt was like, I could make that energy weird by touching your knees. And I was like, please don't. And then I started to walk over with my hands out lasciviously. And then Will was the most scared I've ever heard him. I thought a fun thing to do for the normal fact this week would be to reveal that every morning, normal does a one-card tarot read just to see what the energy going into the day is.
Starting point is 00:08:50 So I have here a tarot deck and a book called The Complete Guide to the Tarot, which I just bought at a local bookstore. So we're going to do a little tarot reading for normal. So you're just going to draw a card? One card, though. It's a one-card reading. We're just going to see how this goes.
Starting point is 00:09:02 Orientation is important. All right. Fuck, I'm so jealous. I got the lovers. Oh my God. Upside down. Reversed lovers. Let's read.
Starting point is 00:09:12 How prophetic. Fake. I'm saying it's fake. He pulled that card on purpose. It is weird that right after Hermie died, I would draw the lovers, but I did just, you guys all saw it.
Starting point is 00:09:22 I drew it randomly out of the deck. So the reversed lovers means quarrels, infidelity, dangers of a broken marriage. Oh no! Our marriage? Need to stabilize the emotions, possibility of a wrong choice. Damn.
Starting point is 00:09:37 And you pulled that as your character, right? I pulled that as my character. I don't want to worry about you. No, I'm good. I'm good to go. Should I do one for myself real quick? Yeah, but I mean, be careful. I'm just going to put the lovers back in the deck'm good. I'm good to go. Should I do one for myself real quick? Yeah, but be careful. I'm just going to put the lovers back in the deck
Starting point is 00:09:47 so that it is a true random. Right side up. Right side up. There you go. What do you mean right side up? Don't mess with the fucking... They're supposed to be because you can read it upside down or not.
Starting point is 00:09:55 These are arcane energies that you are so casually dealing about. I got another reverse card. This is an ill omen for me this episode. The Four of Wands. The upside down 12 foot dick. I got another reversed card. This is an ill omen for me this episode. The Four of Wands. The upside down 12 foot dick. 12 foot hog.
Starting point is 00:10:15 Oh, is it like one of those like minor arcana six of pentacles? Yeah, this is like a fucking, these are the trash cards. The trash tier cards. Hey, hey, tarot deck makers, idiots. Hey, fucking, here's a free idea for you. All banger cards. Like, yeah, okay, cool. The priestess, fucking sick. Oh, here we go.
Starting point is 00:10:29 Eight of pentacles? Who cares? Replace that with, like, the mysterious cat. Here we go. Four of wands. Bouquets of flowers are held high. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Divinatory meaning.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Upside down, upside down. Hold on. Perfected work. Rest after labor. Peace, prosperity, harmony, romance. A coming marriage. Reversed. Though the after labor, peace, prosperity, harmony, romance, a coming marriage reversed. Though the meaning remains the same, there will not quite be the same fullness of peace,
Starting point is 00:10:50 prosperity, and success. Oh, it's going to, it's going to be a mid episode. Y'all can't wait. Yeah. I think actually for a marriage to be legal,
Starting point is 00:10:57 it all has to be a coming marriage. That's pretty good. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Hi, my name is bath. May I did it not. I did it for you he sounds stupid just
Starting point is 00:11:08 like me your words not mine i play scary marlo a goth punk of darkness who's not like the other warlocks she doesn't want to care anymore fun fact Scary, and maybe a precursor to a forthcoming album, Scary actually plays the piano. Now it might seem like a little like a soft instrument for a hardcore goth girl. You know, it's not exactly the bass guitar or anything like that. The Gino is played on a piano at the beginning of Welcome to the Black Parade. like that. The Gino is played on a piano at the beginning of Welcome to the Black Parade. Yeah, that's very fair. And it's also the fact that
Starting point is 00:11:47 if you rearrange the letters, it's P-A-N-O. So that's why she chose to play the piano. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad! Hi! My dad fact for today is that we haven't done a lot of good work for our vendors and the sponsors of this show. We haven't done a lot of good work for our vendors and the sponsors of
Starting point is 00:12:05 this show we haven't thrown to the sponsors very often and i'm gonna see if i can try to find like an elegant way during this episode like to just kind of like kick it over just throw it to the fine products and services that are offered by uh the people that make this podcast possible oh my god what about now let's go to the money zone oh okay i'm really nervous about what anthony's gonna do this or it's like oh no we're in peril somebody better help Let's go to the money zone. Oh, okay. I'm really nervous about what Anthony's going to do. Yeah. Or it's like, oh no, we're in peril. Somebody better help. The problem is these are all funnier than what I was planning on doing.
Starting point is 00:12:34 So you know what? I'm not going to do it anymore. No, fuck you. Do it. No, fuck you. Do it. Damage is done. Okay. Okay, so when we last left you, you escaped hell, ending up in the FBI headquarters.
Starting point is 00:12:54 But at what cost? At the cost of leaving behind all the dads except for Larkin Sparrow, and also in the fracas in the melee where the army was shooting, trying to start a war in hell. Hermie the Unworthy was fatally wounded and normal oak swallows, Garcia, was knocked out. So it was not actually conscious when Hermie kicked the bucket, as it were.
Starting point is 00:13:13 Is Hermie's body with us? Hermie's body is with you. Am I still unconscious? What's going on? Have I regained consciousness? So I don't believe anybody's tried to heal or stabilize you. So I believe you are still unconscious. Does anybody have anything that will...
Starting point is 00:13:24 Hit him with that death? You can just roll a medical just out characters. I feel like Lincoln says, should we just like hide Hermes body and not normal? No. What happened? Don't touch him. Don't touch him. Yes. If anybody would like to roll a medicine check, they can stabilize normal
Starting point is 00:13:40 link runs over to normal and trips and punches him in the nuts because he rolled a two. Oh, God. Normal. Link, why did you do that? Okay. I got this.
Starting point is 00:13:50 I got this. I know everything that comes about stabilizing a patient. Taylor rolls a natural one. So he trips over Link and then punches him in the other nut. All right. So now Normal has two death fails. Oh, God. One more death fail and Normal is dead.
Starting point is 00:14:03 Okay. Okay. I'm going to. Wait. Wait. This is. Hold on, slow down, slow down. I'm laughing too hard. Oh, now you care. I didn't know those were the rules. I didn't know those were the rules.
Starting point is 00:14:14 Okay, in case normal dies, I need to get serious. Okay, go Beth, what were you going to say? Well, I was going to roll a medicine check, but now I'm so afraid. No pressure, guys. I have inspiration because I said something funny last episode. Oh. I mean, I... No, you're always funny last episode. Oh. I mean, I No, you're always funny, Scary. Well, I mean, yeah,
Starting point is 00:14:28 right? Because I, what did I say? Yes, you did. I made a Ronald Reagan joke. Okay, yes, I'm going to use my inspiration on this medicine roll. From your Ronald Reagan joke. You don't have to use it until you've already rolled it once if you don't want to. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, you could just be cool. Ronald Reagan, I don't remember. Okay, so that's an 11, so I'm going to roll. That's enough.
Starting point is 00:14:44 That's enough. That's enough? It just needed to be over a 10. Okay. Normal is very, very stabilized. Did we make it? Yeah. Where? What happened? Hey, Normal, yeah, we're out of hell.
Starting point is 00:14:55 Your dad's... Oh, that hurts so much. Oh, I'm not in the ring anymore. Who won? Did I win? No, no, there's someone else. An alarm starts blaring, and Larkin Sparrow tried to grab you under your shoulders. They're like, we have to go. We're going.
Starting point is 00:15:09 Where's Hermie? Lark goes, we gotta go. We can't just leave him there? Where is he? What happened? I look around. I got a three. In the fracas, you don't manage to see Hermie's body. How are the rest of the employees?
Starting point is 00:15:24 We convinced them that we were temps. So they're fine. But an alarm is going off. Yeah, an alarm is going off because there has been an incursion in the FBI and they have automatic security measures in place for such an event. It's like one guy's cubicle, just like suddenly a bunch of rolling shutters come down and it just like a little turtles up. While somebody gets up to go turn off the alarm because it's just temps after all,
Starting point is 00:15:43 Lark and Sparrow are like, normal, we have to go. Okay, but we can't go without everybody. Where's Hermie? Wait, let him say goodbye. What do you mean? You don't have time for this. I step aside so that normal can see Hermie. What? There's a gunfight when you're passed out.
Starting point is 00:16:00 Oh, no. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Well, let's go. go let's get him let's go we'll fix it come on we can't fix it man what do you mean what do you mean we can't come on let's go okay i just normal goes to grab her me and pick him up link just goes with normal also and just helps him and picks up the body also like grabs the feet you can already feel his body growing stiff from rigor mortis oh man he's lighter than he should be it's okay normal just gonna look at him out of grams lighter than he should be. It's okay, Normal. We'll get him out of here. Graham's lighter than he should be?
Starting point is 00:16:25 Yes. Thank you. Normal is going to cast. Normal's freaking out right now, but he does have the presence of mind to cast. Hold on. Where is it? This marriage has one less spouse, but heaven's got one more. We're all widows.
Starting point is 00:16:44 It's a good question. We're all widows? What a unique experience scary we're all widows what a unique experience that like we can be widows in the same marriage it is so clear you did not like this kid that's why i'm saying and now all will's looking because like i really wanted to say that but i was like no normals just grabs him and i guess we just run right yeah let's just get him out of here it's all right we'll fix it we'll fix it we'll figure it out let's go we'll out of here. It's all right. We'll fix it. We'll fix it. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Let's go. We'll fix him. Lark and Sparrow run ahead of you looking for the vehicle dock bays. What would you call them? Garages? Garages.
Starting point is 00:17:11 That's not what I would call them. Vehicle dock bay. That's fine. That is cooler. Vehicle docking bay. That's like a level in Metal Gear Solid. Look at your vehicle dock bay. Do I literally have a Reddit to the Metal Gear Solid subreddit link open on my computer
Starting point is 00:17:23 right now? Maybe. I do. So yeah, you run to the vehicle dock bays and you find humvee wow lark and spare are going to try to break into it while some guards are going to question why you're here because you convince all the people in the office that you were tempt but there are guards barring the closed garage door out of the building that wants to know why you're here one of them puts his hand up and says whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa this humvee needs an oil change and uh jiffy lube is closing in like 20 minutes so we gotta get it in what are the temps here to oil change it gotta get sent to
Starting point is 00:17:54 the oil change okay roll deception with disadvantage because they were carrying a because you're carrying a corpse with you two plus 11 13 not good enough the guards draw their guns into their shoulder mounted radios they say hey we we have a code six at the garage bay door dock truck dock bay normal casts command you speak a one word command to a creature you can see they have to make a wisdom saving throw okay so i just say leave roll a die they get a two so they are going to go all right and uh very quickly their backs straighten and they find themselves opening the garage door and walking out just into the night but then over the radio they're like hey it was kind of not chill so we're gonna peace out but anyway those guys are like there still no their radios are going like wait what was that what you
Starting point is 00:18:39 said something but you cut yourself off hey what's what's going on hey we're setting back up we got to move yeah uh ling wants to run to the humvee. Load them up. I'll get on the technical. Do any of you guys know how to pick locks? Here, I cast Eldritch Blast into one of the doors. Yeah. Oh, cool. Go ahead and roll damage for it. 11. You blast the driver's side window inwards and Lark goes, okay, good enough, and reaches inside and unlocks the door from the inside. Anthony, can you roll a D4 for me? Sure. A four. Okay, so this Humvee has an M240 7.62 mounted machine gun, which Taylor hops on. Okay.
Starting point is 00:19:13 What would have happened if I rolled a one? That would be the Mark 19 Mod 3 automatic grenade launcher. Okay. That's fair. Can you roll if there's ammo in there? Yeah, roll, roll, roll. I love this competitive team. Roll perception to see if there's ammo, ding dong. Perception.
Starting point is 00:19:26 Let me just take a look under 14. Yeah, there's ammo. There's ammo. Taylor racks them and cracks them. It's like, hit it. Let's get out of here. Lark and Sparrow are going to start hot wiring the car together. They're not even talking.
Starting point is 00:19:40 They're just dexterously, their hands are moving. Almost this one unit, one being ripping the plastic off of the steering column and putting wires together and doing all kinds of cool stuff behind you the doors Pop open and a group of guards with body armor and machine guns sort of come out and they aim their guns at you well Taylor from his mounted position like in Terminator 2 There's like well time to sweep up and he pulls the trigger and goes to the right. Okay. Go ahead and give me an attack roll.
Starting point is 00:20:09 Range attack roll for that. Let's say with disadvantage because it's so big in comparison to you that your entire body is like... But it's mounted, though. Oh, it is mounted. You're right. Can anybody just shoot that thing?
Starting point is 00:20:19 I mean, you know, like, you know. You'll probably have to push Taylor out of the way because it sounds like he's married to you. You gotta go into training. Now it's my turn. I'm having this cutscene. Natural one. Natural one?
Starting point is 00:20:32 Natural one plus eight, nine. The gun explodes in your hand, doing 2d12 damage to you and knocking you prone in the flatbed of the Humvee. I forgot to take the barrel plug out. Oh, God. I eat 13 damage. That's probably not so bad, right?
Starting point is 00:20:46 How much do you have left? I have 75 left. Yeah, just be happy you're not in hell. Yeah. If anybody would like to do something to stop the guards, some of them are aiming at you with rifles, and a couple of them are heading towards another Humvee. Scary's going to say, everybody cover your ears.
Starting point is 00:21:00 Oh, but I guess that means the bad guys can do it too. Well, no, but you're telling it to everyone in the car. Yeah, just whispering in the car. Yeah, that's fine. I cast Thunder Clap. You create a burst of thunderous sound that can be heard up to 100 feet away. Each creature within Rage must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 thunder damage. Wait, what level am I?
Starting point is 00:21:18 14. So that's actually 3d6. Wow. Okay. I'm just going to say for expediency's sake that there are five soldiers. Four of them failed their constitution saving throws so they take eight eight damage and they are deafened temporarily and they sort of stop and shudder and put their hands to their heads in pain do we have
Starting point is 00:21:34 to do a saving throw or anything because we're in the car i'm like i know we closed her like maybe like an advantage saving throw or something yeah since she told you to close your ears go ahead and give me an advantage saving throw what What should we roll? Constitution. Now, here's a question. 19. The gun just blew up in my hands. I feel like I'm sitting there like Three King style going like, and I'm like, and so I don't hear anything. No, I think it could still hit you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:21:56 Five plus three, eight. Nope. You take eight thunderclap damage. I got an 11. That means you do not take the damage. How much damage is it? Eight. Ow! i got an 11 that means you do not take the damage how much damage is it eight ow can lincoln look for i'm assuming in the back of the zombie where he's lying with normal and hermy's body and i guess scary also is there like any grenades or anything in the back here armament roll
Starting point is 00:22:17 investigation or perception to see if you can find something 15 15 if you could get one of the things that you just described what would you like i? I would want one of those boxes that have those eight cartons, but instead of eggs, there's a bunch of grenades. Okay, great. Hey, wait, is that heavy? I mean, it's kind of heavy. If it's expensive, put it back. Wow.
Starting point is 00:22:38 Oh, my God. Will, you've been waiting to hear that one. Lincoln stares at normal. Inspiration to William. Normal didn't say that. Normal's too shocked and distraught. It doesn't matter. William has inspiration and can give it to William. Normal didn't say that. Normal's too in shock. It doesn't matter. William has inspiration.
Starting point is 00:22:46 He can give it to normal. Is the back of the Humvee exposed? Yes. It's like a pickup truck kind of thing where there's an enclosed. Generally, no, though. The passenger compartment is usually closed up. Yeah, but the back has a machine gun on it. Yeah, you're going through a little hole in the top.
Starting point is 00:23:01 Oh, okay. I guess you could say it's like a Jeep style. Okay, yeah. Lincoln's going to pull one of the grenades. Okay, so you get six grenades. You through a little hole in the top. Oh, okay. I guess you could say it's like a jeep style. Okay, yeah. Lincoln's going to pull one of the grenades. Okay, so you get six grenades. You get a little... I want to pull the pin off of one of them and then throw the whole box over.
Starting point is 00:23:12 Okay, cool. Just like a full-time killer. Full-time killer, baby. All right, roll a... I also feel like I could justify just the time to pull one pin. Yeah, that's fine. That makes perfect sense.
Starting point is 00:23:23 Do you want me to roll with a dexterity? I'm trying to think of what makes the the most sense for hurling a thing and it feels like i think athletics athletics makes strong yeah okay in which case i'll do from there that was a 15 15 okay great so you managed to hurl a plus seven acrobatics so cool 14 14 14 oh well then we die yeah with a 14 you manage to throw the grenades pretty much in the dead center of the group. They go off exploding outward and covering the entire interior of the garage in shrapnel and
Starting point is 00:23:51 mess. So you're going to have to make a saving throw to duck and not get hit by the shrapnel because there is a lip of the flatbed of the Humvee I think that you could conceivably duck under. And everybody else is already either knocked prone or inside the Humvee itself. I got to test you. Okay. Some of the shrapnel is going to hit you as well. You can go ahead and take 3d12 of damage.
Starting point is 00:24:07 It was a lot of grenades. If I take that much damage, can I say that the shrapnel does a cool right over my eyebrow? Yeah, sure. Cool scar. Another thing that occupied my teenage boy mind.
Starting point is 00:24:21 How can I get a cool scar over my eye? I rolled straight threes. I know it doesn't matter, but it just looks cool to roll three threes. Okay, so you take nine damage. That's not so bad. And I got a cool scar. And you got a cool scar.
Starting point is 00:24:33 Not yet. It's bleeding now. The FBI agents take... It'll be a scar later. Oh, God. Each take 37 damage. So they are in not a good space to continue following you.
Starting point is 00:24:42 The guy who was about to get into the truck gets blasted across the room and his back hits the interior wall of the garage and you hear a loud crack and he falls over. Lincoln stares at yet more blood he has created and just slowly drops back down into the back of the Humvee. And dude puts a hand on your shoulder and says, it's okay. Yeah, it's good to do. Lark Sparrow, just hurry up.
Starting point is 00:25:00 Are you guys done yet? They got the manual out. They're like, okay, well, so you hear the shock of two wires hitting each other. And then suddenly the engine turns over. Normal is not paying any attention to any of this. And he just scrambles into the front seat and starts rifling through the, um,
Starting point is 00:25:16 is there like one of those little change doors? Yeah. I'm looking for pennies. Go ahead and roll investigation or perception to see how many pennies you can find. God damn it. It's a natural one. What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:25:25 They don't make pennies anymore. You find a negative penny. Fuck. I need two pennies. It's negative one cent. I need pennies. Does anyone have two pennies? I need two pennies.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Why? They haven't made pennies in over a hundred years. They haven't made pennies in years, normal. Shit. Fuck. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:38 Is there any like copper? Does anyone have just coins? I could just something. I need just please. Copper in the wires? Luke's. Copper is going to be probably in the tips of the bullets.
Starting point is 00:25:47 So the gun may have jammed but the ammunition probably has copper. What about here and C.R.E. wipes like a tissue or something on Link's head. What about blood?
Starting point is 00:25:56 Like copper. Great, great, great, great. And then so I grab the tissue. Oh, I thought you meant you sneezed into a tissue and wiped it on Link's head. It's like, why is C.R.E. bullying
Starting point is 00:26:03 Link right now? You know what? And I also wipe some sweat it on Link's head. It's like, why is Gary Bully linking right now? You know what? And I also wipe some sweat off of Lark's head. And then I take my components back to Hermes' body. I rip the tissue in half and place it over his eyes. And then I dab his forehead with the sweat and I cast Gentle Repose. What does that do? So you touch a corpse or other remains for the duration the target is protected from
Starting point is 00:26:23 decay and can't become undead. The spell also effectively extends the time limit on raising the target from the dead, since days spent under the influence of this spell don't count against the time limit of a spell such as Raise Dead. The components that it calls for are a pinch of salt and one copper piece placed on each of the corpse's eyes, which must remain there for the duration. And how soon do you have to do it? Just whenever you can. It doesn't say.
Starting point is 00:26:44 It's unspecific but give me a d20 roll disadvantage because of the it's not actually two copper pennies please work please work please work all right i got uh this is not good i got two tens that's not gonna do it just hurry just hurry go go go go go lark puts his pedal to the metal and the car lurches forward smashes through uh the barricade that's blocking the exit to the garage. And you are now heading away from the FBI. When you look behind you, it doesn't look like anybody's following you because they're still dealing with the aftermath of the grenades that you threw. Now you basically can choose where you would like to go.
Starting point is 00:27:15 The last thing that you remember regarding Henry, at least. Great Harrison Ford movie. Regarding Henry. Regarding Henry. Oh my God. Holy shit. If I could give you double advantage, I would. Wow. is that he is somewhere in san dimas you don't know where he is but it's possible lark and sparrow do or you can go to anybody else's home
Starting point is 00:27:32 if you want to i mean normally you need copper you said it's too late for that my grandpa he can probably remember then he's really he's magic he knows what he's doing let me just let's just take him there okay and i stick my head back into the front seat i'm like we gotta go find grandpa henry okay yeah no problem that's good you can fix this right sparrow says sure he can and lark says just get your head down in case they start shooting i get my head down lark looks over at sparrow and it's just like and sparrow looks at lark and he's like i'm gonna do a sense motive to see if i can or an insight i guess yeah we see sense motive that's like 3.5 there's a lot of systems ago i got another natural one wow what
Starting point is 00:28:06 so you it's okay guys it's okay it's okay he's fine it's okay my grandpa henry he's gonna fix him it's gonna be fine hey do you guys know where this grandpa henry is mark says yeah i've got a pretty good idea hold on and he like turns the car hard for 90 degrees and starts heading back towards san dimas and what's this world look like now it's been a bit since we've gone back home. It's been a bit. Is it daytime or nighttime out? It is nighttime out right now. So you can see... And it's dark. It's dark, first of all. But you can see fires burning all around the city.
Starting point is 00:28:34 It looks like there's been a lot of chaos since you've last been around. The doodlerized people have still been running wild. Willie's been basically unopposed since you've been here so you see a lot of campaign posters for like Vote Willie! So important to vote in local elections yeah vote willie he's he's our man which doesn't even make sense because he's not running for office um he was a write-in just like willie willie's cool right say the posters you see a lot of corpses you see a lot
Starting point is 00:29:00 of do the right people wandering the streets kind kind of like zombies. And eventually the chaos of the city gives way to the peaceful, quiet of nature. As you drive towards the forest outside Sam Demas and you reach a tree that looks like any other tree, nothing seemingly special about it. But Lark says he's here. Are you guys ready to see him? Do you want to do anything first? I'm going to cast non-detection on dude so that nobody can see that dude is there.
Starting point is 00:29:27 Oh, good idea. What does non-detection do? You hide a target that you touch from divination magic. Oh, cool. Just see if there's any good Indian bakeries around. Yeah. Wow. Wow, he's on it today, Jen.
Starting point is 00:29:39 He's on fire. Ladies and gentlemen. The target can't be targeted by any divination magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors. So hopefully fuck Willy. So Willy cannot see him, though he is aware at least. A lot of people are aware seemingly that you have one place left to go, presuming they can track the places you've been to before.
Starting point is 00:29:56 Normal is holding Hermes' hand. He's like, okay, Hermes, I'm going to take you in now, okay? We're going to just hang on, okay? Help me out. Help me with it. Hermes' rigor mortis body is growing lighter and lighter in your arms by the second. His limbs move stiffly as you attempt to walk in towards the tree that Larkin Sparrow pointed out. And the only thing keeping you together is the absolute ignorance you have of the fact that maybe the only person who ever showed you any real affection in the last couple of years of your life is dead.
Starting point is 00:30:22 And the fact that you don't know that is all that keeps you going. But the only thing that keeps me going is a lot of the products and services offered by some of our wonderful sponsors, which you should listen to right now. So we'll be right after that. Oh, my God. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices.
Starting point is 00:30:57 We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Okay. So Larkin Sparrow. Speechless. Holy shit. I forgot about it.
Starting point is 00:31:21 I had a feeling you would. Larkin Sparrow knock on the tree in a very specific way. Can you do it for us? I knew it. I fucking knew it. They did it with their dicks. Oh, okay. Yeah, they have to push their mushroom tips in.
Starting point is 00:31:37 They go, twin powers! And they touch tips and they knock on the door like that. A knot in the tree begins to become an opening. And the opening gets larger and larger stretching the size of the tree outwards and outwards and outwards until it becomes a pathway that you can step through and you can sense that on the other side of this is another area is another plane of existence one that you are familiar with but it is not this plane it's not sandemus the place you grew up a portal it is probably going to take you back to the old earth
Starting point is 00:32:00 where the doodler recently ran everything. Such an opportunity to have that tree open up and there's a red book inside with a single page outside of it. And when you put it in, it goes, Oh, you Achenor. It's a misreference. Just for me and Freddie. Just for real mistheads.
Starting point is 00:32:18 The channel would, dog. My brain is still spinning from them touching tips on the tree. Uncle Art, Dad, where are are we we're going to where grandpa henry set up shop we had an argument and he decided to leave and this is where he went okay um should we like i don't know not suggesting anything but should we like bring some weapons or something i just you guys figure it out i gotta like let's i mean but we're fine we're fine it's my we can trust my we can trust my grandpa let's go yeah let's just let's just get in before the door closes i don't want to see that happen again when they open someone have a wrench i'm trying to unscrew this mounted m2497 it's broken it's irrevocably broken with your natural one i'll
Starting point is 00:32:59 fine just real quick so i understand in terms of context how old were the kids when code purple happened was it before they were born or was it? It was after they were born. Okay. But we don't remember Code Purple because we don't remember the sky before the sky, right? Right, because they did a thing when Code Purple happened that took everybody's memories of Code Purple happening at all.
Starting point is 00:33:15 That's right. Okay, for, yeah, the timeline was so screwy for me. In theory, we would have grown up before Code Purple, at least a little bit, but we forgot that. But you forgot everything. Got it, okay. Normal walks into the tree portal with Hermie. You find yourself falling upward to a familiar plane,
Starting point is 00:33:29 the plane where... Jumping. Somebody say something? I said jumping. That's what jumping is. Falling upward. Damn. Man, it really makes you think.
Starting point is 00:33:40 And you wind up where the sidewalk ends. Thank you. Oh, fuck. So you find yourself falling upward, and when you land... Head first. Yeah. You take 5d6 damage. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:33:50 Taylor, of course, expertly twists midair and lands on his feet. Yeah, in blade pose, I'm assuming. Blade pose, blade pose. So you land back in the realm known as Old Earth, the realm that your parents, but not you, grew up in before the doodler went all fuzzy and everything went code purpley and you transposed yourselves onto Faerun. So you grew up in Faerunodler went all fuzzy and everything went coat purpley and you transposed yourselves onto Faerun. So you grew up in Faerun.
Starting point is 00:34:08 This is Earth. You're back on Earth. This is like where Papa John's was and everything. This is where Papa John's was. This is where the doodler's sky butt was before you made the doodler go into the form of a TH. But we've got the sun with us now so we could probably, we should figure out how to put that back. You do have the sun with you. You look around and you see worn down people of every
Starting point is 00:34:23 species, shape, and size, all taking shelter from the cold under identical leaves of identical trees. A man with a white beard down to his ankles sits in the town square muttering to himself, playing with a bracelet on his wrist. Yo, it feels like we just walked into an adventure game, dog. Yeah. Is your grandpa Santa? No, I don't. That's not
Starting point is 00:34:39 my grandpa, no. I don't. And Santa Claus isn't real, Nick. I mean, Link. Whoa, hold on. Okay. What? I'm't. And Santa Claus isn't real, Nick. I mean, link. Whoa, hold on. Okay. What? I'm going to look around to see if I can see Henry. Cause I've never been here before. Right?
Starting point is 00:34:50 Yeah. All right. I got a four. So with the four, you don't see Henry, but the man with the white beard sees you and he goes, Oh, Oh,
Starting point is 00:35:00 things are about to get spicy. Oh, Henry, Henry. Henry. Who the fuck is that? Who's that? And as he says that, a figure appears from a hut that is one of many huts within this copse of trees. What does Henry look like at this point in his life?
Starting point is 00:35:15 Henry looks surprisingly young due to a healthy vegan lifestyle and due to lots of butthole sunning. And due to a- No one is. And no exposure to UV radiation for the last however many years. Yeah. But he's got his own ways of dealing with that. Well, he goes back to Earth to sun his butthole. But just the butthole.
Starting point is 00:35:36 So his butthole's aged. But the rest of it- I was really hoping we weren't going to get into a whole bunch of butthole discourse this episode. You brought it up! Two Birkenstocked feet emerge from the hut, followed by exposed pasty white legs and a pair of hiking shorts and a belt buckle with a peace symbol on it and just an old ratty T-shirt. But this guy looks good because he's been doing all of his healthy vegan lifestyle and he also has a elf ability, which allows him to age slower than everybody else.
Starting point is 00:36:04 So he's looking like a Tom Cruise 60, I to age slower than everybody else so he's looking like a Tom Cruise 60 I'd say wow okay that's not bad and he emerges and he says
Starting point is 00:36:10 so he looks 60 no shut up he emerges from the hut and he says what do you want dad he goes
Starting point is 00:36:17 your kids are here your kids are here my kids what and your kids kids are here somebody's got to talk to the kids and the kids kids and Larkin Spar talk to the kids and the kids' kids.
Starting point is 00:36:25 And Larkin Sparrow wave at you and they say, hi, dad. Hi, dad. Hi. Come in. So they walk towards your hut. We want to sit down. Can we sit down? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:37 What are you doing here? What's it look like inside real quick? Inside the hut. I'm assuming just a lot of like sex furniture. When you look at it you're like i don't know what i'm looking at what is this you know there's a swing fantasy hut with a juicer in it you know what i mean he's got like that's what they call it yeah this is the juicer and this is the juice this is where i make the juice and he's got a vitamixix. There's a jar with Mercedes Garcia's ashes in it next to a photo of
Starting point is 00:37:07 her. And he's got a couple of books and he just lives a simple, humble life in this place. Peloton, yes or no? No Peloton, no. Henry's favorite method of bicycling is just kicking his legs out in the air just when he's sunning his butt. What about the Apple Vision Pro just gathering dust in the corner? He's like, come here. Actually, can we? Let's. Sure. OK, yeah. So Larkin Sparrow usher all the kids inside as well. Henry sees normal and normal sees Henry.
Starting point is 00:37:33 He looks up at his grandpa and he's like, Grandpa Henry, I know it's been a while, but you got to help my friend. Henry like looks to Larkin Sparrow being like, what the fuck is this? Like, what is happening right now? Larkin Sparrow look at you and they say a friend of ours something happened to him and we were wondering if you could bring him back and oh okay um okay hey normal hey buddy how's it going i haven't seen you in so long i know i'm i'm okay i'm okay we can catch up later grandpa i just i miss you a lot but um my friend hermy he's really hurt okay and you gotta help him. Okay, kid, let me see what I can do.
Starting point is 00:38:07 Can you go wait outside? No, man, just do it. Yeah, we need copper or something. I don't know, just do your magic. Okay, let me- Yeah, they've got pennies in this world, right? Oh, you guys were, you guys trying to, well- Or Moscow mules.
Starting point is 00:38:19 Moscow, what? No, this is a straight edge community, young man. Oh, okay. Yeah, Henry has X's on his hands. Okay, slow down. Why don't you guys start by telling me what happened? He got shot. Henry's going to do like an arcana on Hermie.
Starting point is 00:38:32 Okay. He's just trying to like understand what Hermie is. So I know Hermie's got like kind of an unusual backstory vis-a-vis his creation. Yes, arcana is great. All right, I got three. So with a three, you can tell that this kid is not a normal kid, and the rules of bringing him back do not apply.
Starting point is 00:38:48 If your arcana roll had been better, there might be a way to salvage what remains of his life. But as it stands, he is a creature made of goof matter. You're just looking at a corpse that nothing can be done for. Normal, I'm so sorry, kiddo. There's nothing I can do for this kid. I can't help your friend. Normal just closes his eyes.
Starting point is 00:39:04 No, I don't accept that. I don't accept that. You can fix him. You're old. You can do for this kid. I can't help your friend. Normal just closes his eyes. I, I, no, I don't accept that. I don't accept that. You can fix him. You're this, you're, you're, you're old. You can fix him. Normal. I think he's gone, man. I'm so sorry.
Starting point is 00:39:14 This is, this is bullshit. I'm sorry, guys. I just, I'm really mad right now. Okay. I just, I can't. I know, I know, yeah. Sparrow says it's okay to be mad. I understand.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Well, I don't fucking care what you think, dad. I really don't. I genuinely don't. We, we can dad i really don't i genuinely don't we we can i it's just no so mark puts a hand on sparrow's chest to be like maybe step back from this look if you guys can't help me if you guys can't fix this then i'll freaking do it myself okay and normal just grabs harmy and starts dragging him out of the hut wow scary steps in his way oh scary get out of the way Either help me or get out of the way. I'm not going to leave, man.
Starting point is 00:39:47 Okay. Fine. Do your worst. Do whatever you want. Okay. Okay. I will. I'm going to do something.
Starting point is 00:39:52 It's pretty stupid, but I'm going to do it. Go ahead. If none of you guys can help him, if none of you guys understand how this works, then we got to go to the one guy who can. And I cast Plane Ship. Link is still holding onto the legs. Okay. You and eight willing creatures who link
Starting point is 00:40:05 hands in a circle are transported to a different plane of existence you can specify a target destination in general terms and you will appear in or near that area and then the gm has discretion as to where specifically so normal wants to bring hermy to scam likely okay in the goof realm so who's going to join hands to be a part of this? Well, I'm holding on to... I'm just still helping. I'm just holding on to the legs. Okay. Hermie was there for us
Starting point is 00:40:29 every single step of the way. And he backed our play. And even when we forgot about him, he was there. And so we owe him... We owe him everything right now. We owe it to try to help him. And if you guys don't want to come,
Starting point is 00:40:40 you don't have to, but I'm going. I'm with you. I'm holding his... Yeah, we'll do what we need to do. So where are you going? I look to Taylor and Scary. But what are you doing? We're taking him to Sc I'm going. I'm with you. I'm holding his... Yeah, well, do what we need to do. So where are you going? I look to Taylor and Scary. But what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:40:47 We're taking him to Scam Likely. I just... I just don't think this is going to work, man. Okay, fine. I cast a spell. The planes shift around you, and you find yourself... You've done a lot of plane traveling before,
Starting point is 00:40:58 but this is the one that nauseates you the most. Nothing is more offensive to the body than plane shifting through a spell. It's like you're feeling your insides get turned outside and back inside again. You're hot and cold at the same time. You're getting nauseous in ways that you didn't think you'd get nauseous before. And when you come to, you find yourself in the Simpsons living room. And you hear a voice say, I'm here when it's sad.
Starting point is 00:41:19 I'm here when it's fun. Did somebody do something to my son? Holy shit. And Scam shows up and he sees. Can't hate this guy. What happened to Hermie? He goes, what happened?
Starting point is 00:41:36 What happened? He got, he got killed. He got shot. We need you to help him. Like, oh, and he's going to roll for something.
Starting point is 00:41:45 Okay. And he's going to roll for something. Okay, so he tries to hide the fact that he is actually emotionally affected by this, but he only got a six. So you can see that he is genuinely upset at the fact that something happened to this child. He goes, I didn't even think of him as something that could die. I thought he was just a goof. Goose never die. That's like, you know, all jokes are always funny forever. Mr. Likely, look, you're our only hope. He's my best friend in the whole world. You got to help him. He's your son. There's gotta be something you can do.
Starting point is 00:42:13 You created him, right? I did. I did. But I don't know if I can bring him back from the undiscovered country as it, as it were. Where is he? Is he in hell? Is he in heaven? I don't know. He doesn't have a soul. He's not like you or me. Well, not like you, but I don't know. He doesn't have a soul. He's not like you or me. Well, not like you, but I can try something. Okay.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Okay. Please just, please hurry. I'll do my best. And I'm sorry in advance for this. You forgive me for whatever is about to happen. I'm going to try. I'm truly going to try.
Starting point is 00:42:37 I look at link. Uh, yeah, yeah. Look, if it, yes, if it'll help,
Starting point is 00:42:41 whatever you're going to try to do. I'm truly going to try. I'm truly trying. That's not funny. It didn't work. What did you do? What was that? That was me farting.
Starting point is 00:42:58 I tried to fart so hard that he would come back to life because it would be funny. But I just farted. And my son is my son's gone i'm so sorry i didn't think it would happen like this i didn't think that he would actually develop a personality he was just supposed to be a goof machine no one was supposed to be sad if something happened to him right now i can't i don't know what else to do you made him so like you have to fix him that's why you you created him that's you're his dad so like that's your job i can make you another one
Starting point is 00:43:29 no i don't want another one i want this one i punch him in the face he takes it like a champ your fist impacts into his face and it's like you hit punched a marshmallow his face just like deforms a little bit but then slowly starts going back to the form it was in and he goes that's fair i deserve that oh my god i i just there's nothing i could do i'm so sorry it's like you can't put a glass back together after it's broken not the same way i can bring it back you could be like fucked up and stuff i don't think you would enjoy that no just you've done enough you know he wanted to kill you i know well do you have anything to say about that i think he deserves to get his wish.
Starting point is 00:44:06 Frankly, I think it was pretty bad. I can't deal with another adult who thinks they deserve to die. Let's get out of here. Should we stay here with him, though? Like, should Hermie stay here? No. I know. Hermie hated this guy.
Starting point is 00:44:16 Yeah. I could give him a proper burial. You don't fucking come near him. Fair enough. Thanks for nothing, asshole. Let's go home, Link. Okay. Once again, you feel your insides become your outsides
Starting point is 00:44:26 become your insides, and you lurch back into Henry's hut with the corpse still with you. How much time is past? Just the same amount of time there? I would say it's been about 20 minutes for you. In the past. So we come back 20 minutes earlier.
Starting point is 00:44:38 Yeah. And you have to hide. Tie me, lie me. So I assume in the 20-minute interim, like Larkin, what's been going on for Henry? Larkin Sparrow explained everything that happened offscreen to hide. Timey-wimey. So I assume in the 20-minute interim, like Larkin, what's been going on for Henry? Larkin Sparrow explained everything that happened off screen to Henry. So Henry is now abreast of what is going on.
Starting point is 00:44:51 Henry knows that you're looking for daddy magic to send Dude back to their own dimension. Dude has introduced themselves to Henry. How do you think Henry reacted knowing that Dude is now in the form of this? Just to play that moment out, when Henry realizes what Dude is, Henry goes just even paler than his
Starting point is 00:45:05 pasty white skin normally is. He's like, that's the doodler? And you're here? Yeah, and sometimes she's kind of a bad girl. I mean, they're kind of a bad girl. What do you mean a bad girl? Sometimes a bad girl. I'm a bad girl. I do what needs to be done. Sometimes people fuck with my friends and I fuck with them back. Henry is going to do an insight check on the doodler. I got another bad roll because that's all that I can get today. So I got an eight.
Starting point is 00:45:30 So with an eight, you cannot tell what the doodler's true intentions are. Okay. Well, um, it's, it's, it's fair. I'm glad you're not a big, scary ball in the sky now, young person. Uh, why don't we sit down here and, uh, you know, maybe some, we'll just, let's just, okay. Let me see. Would you like some tea?
Starting point is 00:45:46 And Henry, whose hands are trembling, goes to pour tea for the doodler. The dude goes, you feel like home for some reason. Oh, wow. What a nice thing to say. Oh, let's get you some chamomile. How about that? OK. I'm going to roll insight on Henry.
Starting point is 00:46:01 OK. That's a six. No idea. No idea what he's putting out there. What we do see is like his hands shaking and stuff, right? Yeah. You hear the saucer clinking against the cup. Scary. This guy seems pretty scared of dude.
Starting point is 00:46:15 Yeah, I don't think we should drink anything that thinks tea. Yeah, he's been steeping that shakily for the last 20 minutes. Yeah. It's to be bitter as hell. So Normal and Link come back with Hermie's body. What happened? There's nothing we can do.
Starting point is 00:46:31 Yeah. He's gone. Yeah. Normal, there's something, he said something to you, but you couldn't hear it. Okay. He said he really liked you. You know, like you liked him. So.
Starting point is 00:46:51 Okay. That's a little late for that, I guess. But he wanted you to know that. Okay. Okay. Well, I know. Now I know. All right.
Starting point is 00:47:03 So I need a second guys. What do we do now? What do we do? Do we need to, how do you bury someone? I don't know how you do that. I've never had to, I've never had to deal with that before.
Starting point is 00:47:12 Um, do we, should we call a funeral home? Do we, what do we do? I can't look at him. So just somebody tell me what, somebody else figure it out.
Starting point is 00:47:18 Okay. Okay. I'm just going to put a blanket on over him like this. Um, and then, uh, I'm just going to walk the body out if he if normal let it go yeah
Starting point is 00:47:27 we can wait for clean water solutions or we can engineer access to clean water we can acknowledge indigenous cultures or we can learn from indigenous voices we can demand more from clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Henry and Larkin Sparrow probably have the ability to do, like, ground earth entanglement magic to, like, give him a sort of magical burial without, if you don't want to, you know, have the whole scene of digging a grave and stuff. I think we should. I think we should. I don't want him to just disappear. I think we should bury them someplace nice. I think that would be best. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:26 Yeah, that's what we'll do. You look around, and this world has not been in a very good spot for a very long time, so places that are nice are going to be kind of hard to come by. But in this grove, everything looks pretty much identically beautiful.
Starting point is 00:48:42 All the trees look exactly the same. You could pick one. Well, fuck, we can make it look nice. I mean All the trees look exactly the same. You could pick one. Well, fuck, we can make it look nice. I mean, like we could, we could get some. I think that one. Okay. Normal points to a tree. It's like the one kind of fucked up tree.
Starting point is 00:48:55 It's been struck by lightning. So like half of it is burned. Like Two-Face. Yeah, you know? Yeah. Oh shit. Oh shit. You know, it's, it's kind of dark but, you know, he was kind of like that.
Starting point is 00:49:06 So. Yeah. I think this is as good a spot as any. We can't keep hearing him around. We got stuff to do. Yeah. Henry, just watching his grandson just fucking go through it, puts a hand on his shoulder, and he says, I'm really proud of you, kiddo.
Starting point is 00:49:20 Thanks. Thanks, Grandpa. Excited you to hear that. You did everything you could, and that's, you know, that's all we can do here. Why don't you sit down and rest? We'll get everything ready. And then you can say some words. And this is one of the hardest things you can go through. I remember when your grandma died. And that was, you know, it tore me in two. And we're never ready for it. You know, we're never ready when it happens to someone we love, whether it's sudden, or whether it's a long time coming.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Just, I'm so sorry, kiddo. Henry gives him a big hug and kisses him on the forehead. I feel like as far as arrangements go, you know, Henry uses mold earth to like dig the earth pretty quickly. He gathers some flowers from the woods if any of the kids want to find like, you know, he points out some super dark orchids growing to scary, you know, just clocking her goth vibe that that might be something that she would want.
Starting point is 00:50:12 Yeah, whatever you point out or whatever you say, Link just kind of quietly just does whatever you're saying for him to do. Larkin Sparrow do it as well. Not having been asked, but just wanting to add more flowers to the pile. As they're getting everything ready, it's still pitch dark. And Henry's gathered a couple of candles, but it's pretty tough to see. And Normal, who's been absent the last couple hours, comes up to him and says, Grandpa Henry, I don't know if you could help with this, but kids our age, we never saw the sun, you know, and he never got to see it either, but we have it, weirdly enough, and I wonder if maybe we could do this,
Starting point is 00:50:47 like, kind of, you know, there hasn't been a sunrise here in a really long time, but maybe we could let the sun rise, and, you know, I just thought that might be nice. You know, these candles look like they were for sex stuff, honestly, so I don't know that that's very appropriate, and Henry's like, oh, these are the sex candles,
Starting point is 00:51:02 so I better put these away. Hey, kid, I think that's a great idea. Yeah, boy, you guys had, that's right. Yeah. Well, we haven't had that around here for a while. Let me just let everybody know that that's going to happen so that they don't freak out and lose their minds. Excuse me, everyone. You see like a whole bunch of people who have been living in this village kind of emerge and it's a bunch of wayward refugees from this disrupted plane and henry's like you guys are never gonna believe this but these kids have uh an old friend of ours that we'd like to reintroduce just uh you might want to cover your eyes you might not want to look directly we got the sun back everybody i don't know what the crap does one guy runs screaming off into the darkness come back i know that this is bad for your candle business but you know it's just everyone's got to be able to enjoy like you
Starting point is 00:51:59 know what in a lot of ways this is my favorite tv show i know we don't have tv here but you know how that good feeling you get when your favorite TV show comes back and like the studio brought it back after 20 years and it's just as good as it always was? It's just like that. Relax, man. That guy's a vampire or something. Who's the idiot now?
Starting point is 00:52:14 This old lady comes out. You all thought I was bad. And she opens up her sunglasses. You're all saying, what a dumb thing to invest in, but look who's laughing now. $200 a pair Oh my god
Starting point is 00:52:27 Oh yeah the shade witch That's right I forgot that You've been planning this I'm really happy That you're having a big moment here But hey you know My grandson's going through
Starting point is 00:52:36 A lot right now So maybe They ain't free Maybe we could just like You know not sell stuff At the funeral Maybe just like Just this once We could let everyone try them on and then choose to buy them. I'm here as the market demands it.
Starting point is 00:52:50 Don't get mad at me if people want these sunglasses. All right, look, how much for the whole lot? And Henry pulls out, like, a hefty bag of gold. I just get to watch Dungeons and Daddies. Well, well, well. Let me feel the weight of those selfies over there. She takes those over and goes, Shane, you and i have such a complicated history together blind no she wants to feel the weight now these cords legit right sure are well then the store's yours and she hops onto a unicorn and then before shade which rides away and she turns around she goes but this one's for me and she puts cool sunglasses
Starting point is 00:53:27 on and rides away and then i need your boots your sunglasses and your unicorn and then uh rexum the welder is like but shade witch what will i use to wear me goggles with i ain't the shade witch no more i just just sold my shade. She goes back to Gallop. Stop interrupting me. I'm trying to get out of town. She rides away. Henry passes out sunglasses to everybody. How do I put the sun back in the sky?
Starting point is 00:53:58 You just hurl it up really hard. Okay. Who wants to do the honors? Henry says, holding the sun in his hand. What? You got a weak arm or something? I do. I've never been good at throwing stuff, you know? I'm all about bringing things closer, not
Starting point is 00:54:09 pushing them away. Norm, do you want to do it? How about like, can we all hold it and throw it up in the air together? Like one of those parachutes. Yeah, like the parachute game. Sure. Yeah. Okay, sure. Alright, so Norm holds the sun out. Okay, guys. Alright. Just this once.
Starting point is 00:54:26 Yeah. Just this once. Whatever you want. Chaparral on three. Okay. One, two, three. Chaparral. Take my rules!
Starting point is 00:54:36 I can't do it! That's fair. The sun soars up and up and up and up and up into the sky, bringing with it the quickest sunrise you've ever seen, and it finally stops in the dead center and it becomes high noon. And for the first time, a lot of these people in the wayward refugee camp
Starting point is 00:54:51 that Henry has set up get to clamp eyes on sunlight. And their joy is incalculable. They start weeping tears of joy. Some of them are running around, just holding their hands out to get as much of the sun on their body as possible. Some of them are sending their buttholes because they saw that's what Henry does.
Starting point is 00:55:04 But they seem to be overjoyed with the situation. Way off in the distance, you hear the Shade Witch go, wow. I hope we hear a lot more from the Shade Witch as this series goes on. The Shade Witch. Her sunglasses hot. She's also really good at like insulting people like passive aggressively. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:31 She was not contributing to that community. With the sun blazing down, normal goes to the sort of fresh Mount Earth where Hermie is buried. And he kneels and he says, I liked you too. He puts his hand on the dirt and says, good night, sweet prince. You guys want to say something nice to Hermie?
Starting point is 00:55:52 I bet you all got something. I don't have to listen. I just, you know, I think he would probably wherever he is, you know, he could probably hear it. So if you guys want to say something. Well, that's one of his best friends. I think it's only right that I say a few words. Hermie, you definitely were one of us. Sorry you got shot.
Starting point is 00:56:08 Sorry for all the times we forgot you were around. Hermie, I know you think that I didn't notice you, but I did notice you. Thanks for everything. Okay. You did a really good job normal sure it would have been happy so nothing link huh nothing well i just said normal did a good job okay all right like his eyes cold as you turn away from the grave you can see lark and sparrow talking to henry gesturing and one of them is holding up the jar they basically explained to henry like
Starting point is 00:56:44 this is the last thing we need and then we can send the doodler home and then this can all be over. But it's going to need all the Oak boys together to do it. Henry says, okay, that's a lot. And you know, you guys did it. Everything is different now. Or rather, I should say Normal did it and his friends. I know it was really hard and really big of you guys to have to come here. It couldn't have been easy. So I respect you for that. And he he puts out his hand to shake their hands. Lark shakes your hand. Sparrow goes in for a hug. Henry like kind of lets him hug him for a second and then sort of gives him like a light hug back. OK, let's do this. He should know. He should know what happened. So the man with the white beard cackles. He goes, I can help with that.
Starting point is 00:57:24 Dad, you want to understand each other? You want to learn from the past? I can help. All right. So what you're going to do is you're going to go and act cold purple. You're going to go see the decisions that you can't take back. Ready? Here we go. And he spread the man with the white beard palms, the warm dirt in front of him and a dull purple glow emanates from his fingers spreading across the ground towards you. As the purple touches your feet, you feel a tingling sensation and then you're falling. Falling down, down, down into a black pit and then suddenly up, up, up towards a white light. Your stomach churning from the sudden inversion.
Starting point is 00:58:00 When your eyes adjust, everybody, you, Lark, Sparrow, Henry, Link, all the kids, find yourselves in what looks to be a firing range. At that moment, you see the same man twice. They look like younger versions of Lark and Sparrow. Their eyes not nearly as sunken and their posture just a little bit straighter. Sparrow is teaching Hero how to shoot while Lark teaches a six-year-old Normal. Hero is hitting every shot. Normal is not. Past Lark says, why don't you take a break, Norm? Why don't you get something from the snack machines?
Starting point is 00:58:17 Okay. And as Normal walks off, he hears a- Normal just still has the gun in his hand. He's with his finger on the trigger all right trigger discipline i remember and then he presses a button and drops the clip out and there's still one in the spout under the ground sorry sorry sorry sorry is this like a is this like a shooting range yes it's a shooting range and the guys behind the cameras hey what the fuck guys yeah the 20th time so you look around each other and you see that you can see each other, but you get the sense that you are invisible. You can touch and manipulate the environment,
Starting point is 00:58:48 but you are invisible and the other people around you in this past memory cannot see you. Normal heads off his own towards the snack room and you can see that we are- Sexual normal's gonna clock snacks. I got a 12, finally a mid roll. Any good snacks?
Starting point is 00:59:01 What do I see? Almond joys, some paydays. Some mid, yeah. I can't have any of those. Those are processed. Are there any carrots? I go up to the guy at, I assume,
Starting point is 00:59:08 the counter of this gun store, this fire range. As you walk through the hallway, you see that you're actually in Daddy's HQ back before everything was different. Well, then in that case,
Starting point is 00:59:17 I go straight to the Oak family's vegan-friendly snack vending machine, which I assume is out there for your own snacks? And I press the secret code,
Starting point is 00:59:27 and then I take a little cup to the hummus dispenser. And you just vomit that hummus. Squirts out a hummus-like soft serve. And as you were getting ready to- A seaweed cone, and he just- As you're ready to suck that hummus down, just straight up, no frails, hummus, young Normal hears a voice whispering,
Starting point is 00:59:43 Help me. Help me, Normal. Who's there, help me, help me, Normal. Who's there? Only you can save me, Normal. And Normal's feet carry him to one of the closed doors in the dungeon, the enormous dungeon that you've seen before. Previously, when you saw it, it was in the ground. It was like an inverted pyramid.
Starting point is 00:59:58 It's not inverted right now. Now it's just a straight up pyramid. And you look up and you can see cells upon cells upon cells upon cells of people and things and objects that were too dangerous to keep in normal society. Normal's feet sort of carry him towards one door that is closed. Other doors that normal walks by are closed by copper, silver, and gold padlocks. But this one seems unprotected. If you want to, if you're following normal, you can roll Arcana. Does normal remember any of this? No.
Starting point is 01:00:22 No, because this is before Code Purple happened. Dude, normal, what the fuck? Stop yourself. Hey, I'm invisible. I can't. Dad, what's up? What is this? What's happening? Lark and Sparrow say, you don't need to watch this part.
Starting point is 01:00:33 You're just going to, you know what? Yeah, when adults say that, that's normally the part you want to watch. Go away. And I follow my six-year-old self up the stairs. Roll Arcana when you get near the door. Hold on, you weren't near the door yet. Huh? You weren't near the door yet. You found a new loophole!
Starting point is 01:00:50 You were just checking the Arcana that stair. Okay, so you have no idea what is going on with this door, so you cannot stop yourself, so that works for me. He always just ignores me. It's the past. It's the past. A voice from inside this dark chamber just whispers again, Normal, you're the only one
Starting point is 01:01:05 that could help me. Please, please. You're so special. You're the only one. You're the chosen one who could help me out. And little Normal feels his hand moving towards the door and he touches the door and it opens just a crack. And then an ocean of flesh surges past Normal, cackling with glee. Thank you, it says in a thousand voices as one. You saved us, normal. This seemingly never-ending mound of flesh slithers up the wall and squeezes itself, squelching and bubbling into a ventilation shaft. At that moment, a klaxon blares from wall-mounted speakers.
Starting point is 01:01:37 You hear a dull boom, and suddenly the dull fluorescent lights of the ceiling bulbs switch off, replaced with flashing red alarms of the emergency generator kicking on. Breach, shouts a voice from the loudspeaker. The flesh horde has broken containment. Jesus. I'm sorry! I opened the door. There was a voice.
Starting point is 01:02:00 He said that I was... She said that she needed my help. I thought someone was hurt. Oh, my God. Normal, what did you do? She said that she needed my help. I thought someone was hurt. Oh my God. Normal, what did you do?
Starting point is 01:02:11 All our days whisked away. But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night i know that no one knows me better than myself and i know i'll get this right it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive Out of line We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow
Starting point is 01:02:54 Make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way. Dungeons and daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is normal. Oak Beth may as scary. Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Birch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak.
Starting point is 01:03:26 Beth May is Scary Marlo. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.
Starting point is 01:03:37 And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is directly supported by Patreon. And here's some shoutouts of these patrons. People like Rodney Morris, Schmutl, Janssen Wee, Eric Jensen, Zar Zappy, Jake Vianne, Tyler Kinnon, Danton Bryans, Ethan Britton, TJ Donnery, ES, Didrik, Andrew Torres. Apparently did learn everything from Alan Dershowitz, Alan Effect, Matthew Cobb, Virginia Thorpe, Nick Lindenberger, Tickle Knee, Chubble Wunkler, Kay Cher, and Jolene Taylor. Our Patreon is the number one place on the entire internet to get the latest and greatest bits of Dungeons & Daddies content.
Starting point is 01:04:10 We just released a monthly bonus of Indeterminate content where Glenn Close runs the Season 1 Dads and Payton through his half-remembered weed-baked recollection of Tomb of Horrors, the classic D&D module. Why talk about it when we can listen to it? Here, listen, check it out. Choose left,
Starting point is 01:04:26 center, or right. Left. Left. Give me a strength roll on this. Let's say 16. With one mighty swoop, you clang this stick against the wall, and debris falls away. There's like a door there, dude. You're welcome.
Starting point is 01:04:42 Perhaps this is the entrance to Ace's tomb. It could be a trap, guys. Because again, this module created by Gary Gygax is full of dark and disturbing secrets and ruses and gambits and deceptions within deceptions. So I think we should make sure. I pull out, and I have this written down, a second 10-foot pole.
Starting point is 01:05:00 Wait, really? That right there is available at the EXL supporter level and higher, but you can support the podcast directly and get ad-free episodes and tons and tons of bonus content. And, by the way, new feature Spotify playlists of all of our audio content for easier consumption. All that at patreon.com slash dungeons and
Starting point is 01:05:15 dads. Pop that into a browser. Click around. See if you like it enough to do something about it. Thank you to everybody who jumped onto those Black Friday sales. We still have a bit of tour merch available, so please peruse to your heart's content at store.dungeonsanddags.com and finally if you're in the la area matt and i are doing a little free screening at the south pasadena community center on monday december 11th of the movie we shot it's called we're all gonna die it's like a light-hearted apocalypse road trip romantic comedy and we're doing it at the
Starting point is 01:05:40 south pasadena community room in the south pasadena library monday de December 11th, 7pm. It's free. We're trying out some stuff out as we scheme to release this indie film we shot during the pandemic. It stars Ashley Birch and Jordan Rodriguez. Come on out. Free screening. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads to see what we have on our Patreon, our social media links and more at our website, DungeonsandDads.com Merch is at store.dungeonsanddads.com
Starting point is 01:06:00 And another episode, the last one of the year coming at you December 18th. We will see you then. to sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Six-year-old Normal quietly closes the door. Locks it. And then just quietly walks back downstairs eating his hummus and carrots.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.