Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 49 - Halo Reach

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

The teens attempt to ascend into Heaven.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddad...s!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. That's what people say. My dad thinks I'm a clown. And I can't make him proud. But I don't wear a frown. I don't wear a frown. Cause I keep losing. Ego won't stop bruising. But it's like I've got this druid in my mind singing
Starting point is 00:00:45 It'll be a way cake Cause my friends are gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake And my heart is gonna break, break, break, break, break So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take Take an L, take an L And the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames And I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take
Starting point is 00:01:09 Take an L, I take an L Hey, hey, hey! Just think, well, you've been getting down and out About the fact that the boy you like died And your mustache burned off And you found out that your dad doomed an entire world Because of something that you did Only for you to grow up and doom it again
Starting point is 00:01:24 Which only proves that his decision to save your life probably wasn't worth it. You could have been getting down to this sick beat. A flesh whore made me open that door and it's all my fault, but I'm just gonna take and throw this fiddler over there, got the dooler to his lair, cause I helped him get to heaven.
Starting point is 00:01:43 Gonna take, take, take. Cause my friends are gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. And my heart is gonna break, break, break, break, break. So I'm just gonna take, take, take, take, take, take. Take an L, take an L. And the world is up in flames, flames, flames, flames, flames. And I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. So I'm just gonna take, take, take, flames, flames, flames. And I'm the one to blame, blame, blame, blame, blame. So I'm just going to take, take, take, take, take, take, take an L, a take an L.
Starting point is 00:02:20 Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, a podcast about four teens using the game of Dungeons and Dragons to tell a story about- Wait, they're not using the game of Dungeons and Dragons. We are! We are. Playing these four teens to tell a story of four teens from our world sent back to another dimension. Back to our world again to fix the world that their grandparents messed up.
Starting point is 00:02:42 My name's Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue of the group. First of all, happy new year, everybody. 2024. Welcome back. We're not recording this in 2024. We're recording this in 2023.
Starting point is 00:02:54 We're in the past. But you listening in the future, what is it like over there? Oh, wow. Taylor's... Congrats on time person of the year. Thank you so much. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:04 I didn't want to bring it up because it'd be self-aggrandizing, but that's not. Thank you, Beth. Taylor's team. Wait, is it that they do it's you again? Do you remember when they did that? No, it was Taylor Swift. It's Taylor Swift.
Starting point is 00:03:13 Oh, it is? Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. Taylor Swift was. Wait, but it's not. Oh, it is this year.
Starting point is 00:03:20 It's not next year, but it was the this year is the. I don't know where we are, Will. I remember how time works now. Go ahead. Yeah, they did do the U, right? They did the U. They did U one time. I remember looking at it and being like, yeah, but they gave it to Hitler too.
Starting point is 00:03:33 Yeah, they did. So I didn't feel good about myself after that. I would never accept an award that Hitler won. What are you crazy? I see that Time Magazine in the trash. You can't tie me into this. Time Magazine and ChatGPT do not have consent to use my image or likeness in your magazine or large language learning model. Share this with 10 people or else you're going to get chatted.
Starting point is 00:03:58 My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. Hi, Freddie. Taylor, in fact, Taylor was the runner up for teen highs teen of the year who won i bet you i bet you normal no margarita oh margarita pizza margarita that's fair valid taylor was a close second because he placed third at the you remember okay you know competitive cup stacking i'm deciding that taylor. He placed second in school because he placed third in cup stacking. Yeah, which is the best anyone from T-Live did.
Starting point is 00:04:29 How about one and two? He meddled, Matt. He meddled. Oh, I thought you meant like it was a school competition. No, no, no. The schools don't have the competition. The second place got canceled. State.
Starting point is 00:04:41 State. That's why he got canceled did you do cup stacking no i didn't i didn't i did it for a little bit you did cup stacking you look so cool five cups right now for those of you don't know
Starting point is 00:04:56 they sold that at target it was just cups but the commercials were like the same kids that drake like fucking like capri sun and shit would then like pop up and then be like yo cup stack and they turn their caps backwards and then like stack cups up and down and you're like i want that so matt like the epitome of cool to you was somebody who drank capri sun yeah yeah i was in third grade once yeah absolutely so taylor's a competitive cup stacker.
Starting point is 00:05:26 That's pretty cool. He's okay. He's okay. I mean, third and state is better than okay, Freddie. No, it was like a prelim prelim,
Starting point is 00:05:32 you know what I mean? So he did it. Where they gave out medals? Dude, no, no, no. That's what Taylor said. He came right back and he was like, Taylor said he came
Starting point is 00:05:40 back to school and he was like, I medaled. You mean he got third place? Like, yes, but my medals are at home. It's getting polished at the- He just means that he meddled in the competition by cheating.
Starting point is 00:05:50 I meddled by- About pre-stacked cups. And because of that- Yeah, it's like those- Andy, it's like those decks of cards. Yeah, the cards that are all connected, but they're, yeah. They were about to disqualify him, but then they're like, well, the problem is- Can this be the whole episode?
Starting point is 00:06:03 Can we just get deeper and deeper on this fact, please? Here's what they meant. You were right, though. You were right. They would have disqualified him, but here's the problem. There would have only been one other kid. It's not a popular sport in the future. The end. This story brought
Starting point is 00:06:20 to you by Freddie Wong. The stat went on one anecdote too long. If y'all want to know, there might be a little weird energy this episode this is this is daddy's nights we're recording this late welcome to daddy's in a long time hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid who became a protective paladin to his boss kicks he's dropping it right now he's not feeling like a boss right now but there was a time when he felt like a boss so we've talked about that lincoln's only real social uh network that he liked was next door and um i remember this yeah so uh grant and marco both agreed that like he can't always use his free time for soccer like they did have to also teach him the arts and stuff
Starting point is 00:07:00 so he had to come up with something so l Lincoln got really into painting and sculpting. Of course, all he did was paint and sculpt soccer players and his own foot and stuff like that. And he decided to start selling that stuff on next door, but he didn't want to mix business with pleasure. So he set up his own little like secondary account called foot King. And he would sell, he would sell art.
Starting point is 00:07:23 He would sell all the cool art he was doing of like paintings and sculptures. Never sold anything. Got a few interesting messages that made Grant and Marco take him off next door. You know, Link's actually a pretty good painter is what I'm saying at the end of the day. But only feet. But only feet. Well, soccer poses. You know what's funny?
Starting point is 00:07:38 You know what's funny? Close-up shots of feet kicking soccer balls. A lot of artists will study like the hands. Yeah. So you'll see like, you know, their hands. And then his is just like big old nubby toes. It's like studying a
Starting point is 00:07:50 samurai sword. It's like his weapon. No, it's not. I need to know. I need to be able to draw my foot from memory. Yeah, like the back of my foot. I'm so interested in what the next door messages might have been. Every time I go on next door, it's like, what was that noise?
Starting point is 00:08:07 Has anybody seen that foot? It'd been like foot king here, a few new pieces, you know, if you want to buy them, that's cool. Just a couple of dollars a piece just to help me get my next soccer ball. Uh,
Starting point is 00:08:16 just come to my house. Why don't you come over alone to my house with a soccer ball? I'll get you a soccer ball. And you put them up. Yeah. Hi everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play normal Oak.
Starting point is 00:08:26 He's a perky peppy chipper, cheery school spirit mascot. Not the last two episodes. That's for sure. He was now, but you know, we'll see how this episode goes. Downer Debbie,
Starting point is 00:08:34 Downy Debra, dummy doofus, depressed, depressed, ruin the world. Kid. Um, fun fact about normal this week,
Starting point is 00:08:43 continuing with the hot glue gun motif from last week, we learned about Normal's high-quality trigger discipline and his instinctual knowledge of the hot glue gun. I also would like to take this opportunity to reveal that Normal always keeps that thing on him this whole time. He's been strapped with a hot glue gun. But I'm plugged in, so it's just a glue gun. It's a cold glue gun.
Starting point is 00:09:03 A battery-powered one. That's called the safety. That's the safety, yeah. He's got it. The cord is wrapped up. He's ready to plug it into an outlet and get to glue town on a moment's notice. Well, not a moment. It's about four minutes to heat up. About four minutes notice. Like Chow Yun-Fat's friend in The Killer, he always keeps one
Starting point is 00:09:20 glue gun stick in the chamber for either his enemy or himself. Wow. I love it. Either for his enemy or himself wow i love it either for his enemy's crafts or his own craft hi i play i don't play anybody wait okay hi i'm beth may first of all that's important information and then um i play scary marlo who's a golf punk seeker of darkness he's not like the other warlocks um fun new year's fact about Scary is that she doesn't have a New Year's resolution because she looked up the definition of resolution, which is a firm decision to do or not to do something,
Starting point is 00:09:55 and decided it was too resolute. It's like too firm. There's not enough wiggle room. So cool. Because she wants to be able to maybe do something and maybe not do something. So, yeah, the idea of resolving to do something is
Starting point is 00:10:11 pretty childish, honestly. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. Hey, dad. Sup, daddy-o. This episode's set in 1955. Those cool cats. My dad fact is long-time listeners will know, my quest to write for the most unsung art forms in human expression.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Video games, comics, porn, and wrestling. And I've done video games and comics, and I just need to do porn and wrestling. And a porn site reached out. Yes, that's right. Yes. How rare is that? If you will. They didn't like my writing, but they loved my dick.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Yeah, it turns out. Yeah, my dad's fact is I'm quitting to do porn. Wait, can you imagine watching so much porn that a porn site reaches out? Dude, you got to calm down. You got to stop. These alleys make money while you do this. You're drinking water, right? But yeah, they reached out.
Starting point is 00:11:14 And if everything goes well, then I will write a porn for Say Uncle. And I'll let everybody know when it comes up. Can I ask you? They sent me a care package in the meantime. What was in that care package? One was a book of porn, which was great. A book of porn? A book of porn. Yeah, I know. It was just that care bag? One was a book of porn, which was great. Wait, a book of porn? A book of porn.
Starting point is 00:11:26 Yeah, I know. It was just a bunch of really tasteful photos. There was books of porn. Yeah, of dudes railing each other. The care bag had like... Just picturing Gaston
Starting point is 00:11:33 being like, there's no pictures. They sent me a bunch of lovely things in terms of like, it was like lube, condoms, like all the normal sex stuff,
Starting point is 00:11:39 but then they also included electrolytes, which I feel is extra thoughtful. Yeah. Is there a large lemonade in there? Yeah.tes, which I feel is extra thoughtful. Is there a large lemonade in there? Yeah. Anthony, can I ask,
Starting point is 00:11:51 are you, in terms of like scenario, do you have any thoughts? Are you going to just like- I've already written the script. I've just been waiting. I wrote it on spec. I've just been waiting for somebody to come to me and then come on me. Did you happen to write anybody you know into it?
Starting point is 00:12:07 You know that Anthony's move on the script is that he'll just put in placeholder names that are just people he knows. I know, he just knows. Matt Arnold. We're going to be watching this. It's going to be like Matt Arnold walks into the door. Yeah, use our names, dog. Please don't. I won't.
Starting point is 00:12:22 They did actually say, like, we did the Dungeons and Dragons scene once, and people were really upset because we rolled D6s instead of D20s. So make sure you don't do that. I was like, oof. Yeah, don't take me out of that. Come on. How about some fucking respect for the craft? Huh?
Starting point is 00:12:36 How about a little bit of research? I thought you meant that they had rolled a 6, so it, like, wasn't as good of a cum shot as it is. Oh, no, it's out of focus. You just invented something really good. Because we've all done that. We've all been like, oh, I kind of rolled a seven on that.
Starting point is 00:12:57 Yeah, that was a mid-eight roll. I've never critical failed. I have. When we last left the group, you had basically gotten all the daddy magic that you needed to send dude back to their home dimension. And we won. And you won, and everything was fine. Except, as Norma was talking to Sparrow,
Starting point is 00:13:22 it turned out that Sparrow was once again Willie in disguise. Willie put the collar on a dude that said, do whatever Willie Stampler says. Normal then in attempting to take dude to a plane where Willie could not get used. What was it? Plane jump.
Starting point is 00:13:38 Demi, Demi plane. What was it called? Plane shift. Plane shift. Demi plane is to will like darkness is to Freddie. I'm always trying to get people new planes and it's never worked out once.
Starting point is 00:13:49 Never once has the plane shift boded well for me. So yes, he plane shifted Willie and dude and Lincoln and himself to heaven because Willie can't get to heaven. And then right after doing that, Norma realized, oh no, he got to heaven because I brought him there. So Willie ran into heaven, closed the door behind him and heaven went dark.
Starting point is 00:14:07 So normal might be the chosen one. Never said what he was chosen for. Yeah, that's true. Could have been chosen to fuck everything up. That's true. So I guess the party is currently split. Taylor and Scary are on old earth in Oakvale with Henry, Larkin, Sparrow. Link and normal
Starting point is 00:14:25 are in heaven in line to a now closed heaven. What are you going to do? Where do we want to start? Matt, should we start? It's like you two got to start. You're in heaven, dog.
Starting point is 00:14:34 All right. Who should start me or you, Matt? Oh no. Daddy's nice. It's bad. Oh, it's bad.
Starting point is 00:14:43 Oh, oh no. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. All no. Oh, okay, okay, okay. All right, Anthony, so it's dark, you were saying? Heaven went dark. The gates of heaven went dark. Like, you didn't think there were lights inside heaven, but suddenly when the gates closed,
Starting point is 00:14:54 all the clouds, the big white clouds that you saw above heaven turned into storm clouds, and lightning starts striking, and everything seems a little bit darker and wrong because somebody who was not supposed to get into heaven got into heaven. Angels! Yeah. Angels, help! I not supposed to get into heaven got into heaven. Angels! Yeah. Angels, help!
Starting point is 00:15:07 I'm going to call the fucking cops, bro. Yeah. You got a dolphin and everything, bro. They were all stuck inside, though. Flippy and Flapper and whatever they were called. What were their names, Matt? Flippy, Flapper, Blowhole, Porpy. Porpy?
Starting point is 00:15:23 Blowhole? Porpy and Blowhole, they're cops. I need to go and rewrite my script. You see an angel arise from within heaven, but as it gets closer, you notice something is wrong with it. It's a big burning eye with wings coming off of it. It's burning now? Yeah, well, I mean, they were always burning.
Starting point is 00:15:43 Biblically accurate angels were always kind of on fire. They were burning red, but with clear eyes now. Actually, yeah. You know, the way clear eyes works where they show you the little like weird red tentacles, tendrils in your eyes. It's got those, but those tendrils are purple. So the eye is all fucked up as it approaches you
Starting point is 00:15:57 and it's like flying through the air in this kind of a sickly way and it hovers in front of you. Actually, normal. Last time I asked a question, it ate me. And I don't know if we should. Ah. Okay. Okay. There's a bad guy in heaven. Hey, yeah. Hey.
Starting point is 00:16:12 Call the big guy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. It's got doodle rice. Do we do it? If we do it, there is God. I'm going to do an arcana roll to see if I can clock whether this means that God is also under the possession of the douther. I got an eight. You got an eight? No way of knowing. Okay, well,
Starting point is 00:16:28 okay. The angel blinks over both of you at the same time. You for a moment are sharing the infinite darkness that is at the inside of the angel's pupil, and you feel the wetness on your waist as it blinks on top of you. Link, is this what it was like last time? Yeah, but it's less lonely. Oh, that's nice.
Starting point is 00:16:44 Well, because it was just like it was internal darkness, but you're here now, so it's cool. Okay, well, that's good. Yeah, but it's less lonely. That's nice. Well, because it was just like it was internal darkness, but like you're here now, so it's cool. Okay, well, that's good. Not cool, it's scary. Yeah, but like that's nice that there's two of us
Starting point is 00:16:52 and we're up here. As you're getting blinked on, you hear the sound of a door opening and slamming in the direction of the door to heaven. And the angel opens its eye and removes itself from your bodies. And you can see now
Starting point is 00:17:03 that all the dolphins that were in the accounting area have been kicked out of heaven and they're all going get out get out get out get out flapper grill master gill gill master gilly
Starting point is 00:17:19 grill master those are your dolphin buddies right okay maybe they can like okay look we just need to regroup I know that this is kind of my fault and the first time was kind of my fault and you guys gave me a very light nice speech last time about how it wasn't my fault but it feels like this is definitely my fault so I kind of want to fix it okay it's all here we'll talk the Chester's the head of them Chester what was what went down in there does anybody have to speak with animals huh yeah do you I mean to speak with animals? Huh? Yeah. Do you? I mean, I have to speak with these animals.
Starting point is 00:17:48 They're my boys. You know what? Fine. Luke, what are they saying? So you may remember that when you were in heaven briefly, there was a throne, an empty throne that you never investigated in any way. God. Willie has sat upon the throne and is now in charge of heaven so he's basically god and he's got dude at his side and he kicked out all the dolphins and he's corrupted all the angels
Starting point is 00:18:15 so now they're basically doing his bidding but you're all safe julia julia got favorite dolphin yeah uh yeah julie got out here she is hey what's going on he's told me so much about you porpy has or chester chester has porpy also told me a lot about you he's a friend with benefits things are real weird up here in heaven yeah dolphins don't like they yeah you think dolphins get married they're dolphins their marriage is like not like some people's but not a lot of people normal's like why don't you look at me when you said that i'm talking to you i don't know we're in a five-person marriage link oh yeah who are we to be throwing i was explaining i was explaining i don't judge i've never judged chester i just realized you're all widows and widowers yeah Widows and widowers is the sequel to Dungeons and Dragons.
Starting point is 00:19:06 Okay, okay. So he's God. So he's God. So Willy's God. Do we, can you ask the dolphins, dolphins, like, is he done? Is he okay? Like, is he, is it pretty much over?
Starting point is 00:19:18 So as you ask that, a horde of angels arise out of heaven's gates and they spread across the sky. Armies of angels, hundreds, hundreds of angels spread across the sky and you can see them blink and portals appear in front of their eyes and they go through the portals and you can't tell to where. Seemingly armies of angels are heading all across the
Starting point is 00:19:38 multiverse and Porpoise goes no he's going to get rid of anybody who might pose a threat to him. You know him no i'm done talking to you chester you never gave straight answers julia you always you always talk straight i always talk straight that's what i'm the straight talk express that's what they call me what happened to the actual big like is the other god dead god left a long time ago what we never knew to where well who was running the place nobody the inmates were running the asylum you know humans were just doing human stuff and we were doing our best to keep together good humans were doing it oh no because
Starting point is 00:20:09 no good humans are just sitting around the spaghetti bathtubs and shit and hanging out in their own personal heavens it's it's been up to the clerks and all the you know the faculty which is us we were the ones keeping the the wheels turning we were greasing the bureaucracy and now we're gone so it's just going to be whatever the hell willie feels like doing so nobody nobody can get into heaven now because the gates are completely locked. Where are you all going to go? I don't know. Do you have a place we could crash?
Starting point is 00:20:31 I mean, we got like a lot of water below. I can, I can, if we wait here eight hours, I can cast plane shift again and bring eight of you back. And I suppose I could just sort of slowly bring back all the dolphins. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:46 Or can we go through like the portals? Like we got to get back to Taylor and Scary. So as you say that, we'll cut back to Taylor and Scary. Hey, Scary. This is just a fact I was just thinking about. Did you know that dolphins don't have gills? So if you name the dolphin Gilly, it makes no sense. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:21:01 Well, nobody would ever name a dolphin Gilly. I know. I know. I know. That's silly. that's silly it's silly gilly fuck me okay we gotta find a way to either they go look sparrow yes yes now is the time this is truly dire situation so sparrow arm me with the greatest sword you have so sparrow's coming up to you holding the back of his head which has a big old bump on it because william
Starting point is 00:21:24 knocked him out to take his visage. Oh, dude, are you okay? He goes, no, I'm not okay. My son's missing. My son's in heaven now and with the most dangerous man in the world. Okay, you don't have to snap at me. Sorry, I'm not. It's just nervousness runs in the family, and this is how I express anxiety.
Starting point is 00:21:38 We've officially got it. This is Henry, by the way. We've officially got a crisis on our hands, so the first thing I'm going to need you all to do is breathe. Oh, is this guy fucking serious? Yes, I am, young lady. I'm quite serious. Do the exercises. It's important to center your juices.
Starting point is 00:21:53 Lark goes, Jesus Christ, enough with the breathing. We need to come up with a plan. Yes, I agree. We can plan once we're able to clear our minds. Thank you, young man. This kid's got a good head on his shoulders. Sparrow goes, the mere fact that you said that proves that you don't know what you're talking about. Well, that's your opinion, and once again,
Starting point is 00:22:09 it's wrong, but... I forget, whose fault is it that this guy's out again? That would be... It is kind of Normal's fault, unfortunately, but I feel like he's going through a lot right now, so we should... We need to respect the journey that Normal's on. That was meant to be a dig at you guys, you i thought you guys killed him but then you know
Starting point is 00:22:28 here he is again actually i guess it's my fault that he's out so never mind anyways so we can it's okay we all have our part to play in this and we all have our part to play in fixing it so i think actually one of the things that lark was right about is that we should figure out what we're doing the sky opens up and a dozen angels with purple what would you even call them i lightning strikey both things sclera with purple sclera um wait sorry i don't even know why yes the white outer layer yeah with with sclera die purple and horrible descend on oakvale blinking with horrifying intent. And one of them heads straight for Henry and tries to engulf him with its pupil.
Starting point is 00:23:08 I cast Protection from Good and Evil. Okay. Covers your bases, really. So the spell ends, one willing creature you touch is protected against certain types of creatures, aberrations, celestials, elementals, fae, fiends, and undead. Okay, so you use that on one person? Yeah, I'll use it on Henry.
Starting point is 00:23:24 Okay. The angel tries to absorb Henry through its eye just like it's absorbed other people, but the second it comes up against Henry, it gets repelled
Starting point is 00:23:31 by some sort of other natural force. Two magnets. Like two magnets repelling against each other. It can't do anything. But two more angels come down
Starting point is 00:23:38 and target Lark and Sparrow and they... Why are they going after you guys? I don't know! That's a good question! Lark and Sparrow are going to roll dexterity to see if they dodge all right so lark saves but sparrow does not so sparrow gets slurped up into the eye of an angel and lark goes brother um and holds his arm holds
Starting point is 00:23:57 his arm out for sparrow and tries to hold on as hard as he can but the angel begins to lift up and lark is still holding on to sparrow's arm as they begin to lift upward. Okay, can I do something? Yes. Okay, I need to figure out what I want to do. It's a big angel. It's flying into the air right now? Yeah, the one that has Lark and Sparrow
Starting point is 00:24:13 is flying upwards. Do we get the idea that it's going towards heaven? Yeah, well recognized. I mean, should we just go with it? You know? Oh, yeah. I guess we could, right? This might be our transport in.
Starting point is 00:24:26 Yeah, wait, yes! That's great! All right, everybody, hang on. And I'm going to cast Reverse Gravity. Oh, what? On everyone. Well, actually, this spell reverses gravity in a 50-foot radius, 100-foot high cylinder,
Starting point is 00:24:41 centered on a point within range. I'm assuming that the angel's directly above us. I'm going to cast reverse gravity to yeet us all up to the angel so we can grab onto it. Okay, so that yeets you up to the angel. Go ahead and give me a dexterity roll or athletics or acrobatics to grab onto Lark or the angel itself, one of its eyelashes potentially. Yo, is this a natural one?
Starting point is 00:25:02 Oh, no, Will, is it a natural one? It is indeed a natural one? Oh, no, Will. Is it a natural one? It is indeed a natural one. Do we just witness the death of Henry as he flies into space? Yeah, Henry goes all the way past the angel up and up and up and up until he reaches 100 feet in the air. You know, this is an interesting physics question
Starting point is 00:25:18 because hear me out. He'll reach 100 feet in the air. The momentum that he has from that fall will shoot him straight up, at which point then he'll come to a stop and then come straight back down, at which point the gravity will reverse and he'll just kind of
Starting point is 00:25:29 ping pong back and forth. He'll just go all the way to space. So I can full on, well, because it's a hundred foot cylinder, so it stops at a hundred feet. Yeah, but the momentum will pull him up
Starting point is 00:25:37 another exact hundred feet. Oh yeah, sure. Sorry, what? Yeah, so like if the gravity reversed for you, right? You would fall upwards. A hundred feet. A hundred feet. And feet. 100 feet.
Starting point is 00:25:45 And that's the acceleration. But then the moment you hit that threshold, gravity now starts pulling down on you. But you're, you know. Yeah, but I'm going 100 feet faster. Well, no. The acceleration you would get from traveling 100 feet, which is 9.8 meters per second per second,
Starting point is 00:25:58 but in the other direction. But then you'd be subject to the exact same force. So you just kind of come right back down to where you started. And then you just go back and forth. So he doesn't take any falling damage is what you're saying? I don't think that's... Hold on, hold on.
Starting point is 00:26:08 The spell reverses gravity in a 50-footer. High cylinder of... All creatures that aren't somehow anchored to the ground fall upward and reach the top of the area. Falling upward or jumping, as Matt would say.
Starting point is 00:26:17 Imagine it's like one of those Mario levels where they have like a grassy... Here's my question. What happens after you go to the top of the cylinder? It doesn't say. How long does it say the spell lasts? The spell lasts for one minute concentration. Here's what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:26:30 You would go up through the 100 foot point, you go past it, and you'd fall, and you'd fall through it again, and you'd just kind of slowly, you'd just come to a gentle stop. You would get to the top of the invisible cylinder and just kind of float on that boing, boing, boing. Yeah, and if you get sucked up to the top, then you bonk your head, and then you're bonked up, concussed, you top, then you bonk your head and in your bonked up concussive
Starting point is 00:26:45 state, then you can't fucking concentrate. My point is that you would come right back to where you started. I like that. With a negative one, I do think it breaks concentration. So you're going to go 100 feet straight up. The momentum's going to carry you another 50 feet, let's say. Oh, and I can give you the... Oh, is this how Mercedes
Starting point is 00:27:02 died? Too soon, Matthew? Too soon, man. Too soon. And then you're going to fall 150 feet and I've looked up fall damage in D&D 5e and it is 1d6 for every 10 feet fallen. So Henry has a roll 15d6
Starting point is 00:27:19 and that's how much damage he takes. Before any of that happens, Henry turns into a bird and... No. That was your turn. You broke your concentration. Yeah, you have to have another turn once I'm falling, Anthony. No, you don't.
Starting point is 00:27:35 A turn is six seconds. You did the whole thing. And now it's, you're falling. Fine. Fine. Well, fine. All right. How much was it? So it's 15 d6 dice that's something can save you man i wish mercedes hadn't drank that charged lemonade wait were we talking about that on the podcast no i'm sorry it was all right uh that's 49 damage you're fine yeah it's fine he's like, right? All right. Henry crashes straight back into the ground and says, well, I'm out of ideas, boys.
Starting point is 00:28:08 So the angels continue to float upward with Larkin Sparrow. Should have turned. Wait, I cast it in an area, though. Yeah. Did you want it to affect everybody? Yeah, because it was like, oh, everyone's going to crap on. Okay, everybody can try. But if you fail, you're all going to take 15d6 damage.
Starting point is 00:28:22 What? Rick! Okay, so what am I rolling? So you're rolling dexterity, acrobatics, or athletics to see if you can grab onto Lark as you are rocketed upwards. 10 plus 13, 23. Okay, you're fine. You grab onto Lark's ankle very easily.
Starting point is 00:28:36 I even do a cool flip with a 23, I bet. Sure, why not? I bet. You should have to roll again for the flip. No, I'm sick of the blade poses and the flips and all of the unchallenged styling and I'm mad! Natural one! Natural one on the flip!
Starting point is 00:28:52 I hurt Lark. I break his ankle. Yeah, you break Lark's ankle as you try to rip his shoe off and pull his ankle out of its socket. And then the upper part of his body is inside the angel's eye, right? Yeah. Oh no, that's Sparrow. It's up there.
Starting point is 00:29:05 Oh, okay. Well, who, was Lark up there? Lark is holding onto his arm, which is like barely out of the pupil of the... Oh, I see. I got an eight. Okay, so with an eight, you're going to fall down just like Henry did, and you're going to take 15 D6 damage. Wait, can...
Starting point is 00:29:19 Can... Shit. Freddy, do you have any way to like help somebody? Like with reaction? Now, to be fair they have not done anything yeah they haven't you haven't taken your action yeah so i feel like they should get a chance to do something yeah i'm gonna say that trying to grab on to lark or sparrow is not a full action i'll say that's a bonus action so you still have your full action to take like
Starting point is 00:29:38 one of you must have like a deck savey type like reaction there's one very memorable spell that we've talked about a lot that would probably help a lot. Is it darkness? No. I can yell really loudly. Hang on! Jump farther! Jump higher, scary! Oh, I know which spell he's talking about.
Starting point is 00:30:00 He's talking about spider climb. I am. Spiders can't fly in the air. I used up my fucking spell slots. I literally only have one spell I can use and it's circle of death. Freya, you have nothing? I have nothing. I could set something on fire with hellish rebuke.
Starting point is 00:30:16 You know what I'll say? I'll give you the option. If you let go of Lark, you can grab onto Scary and then it'll have the damage between both of you instead of all of it hitting Scary. But these angels are heading back to heaven yeah so supposedly scary and they want to get back to heaven yeah so i go scary i'll see you in heaven
Starting point is 00:30:33 all right so go ahead and roll 15d6, I guess, Beth. They're like a belt or something. Oh, since he grabbed Duncan, he tried to grab her. That's what I was going to say. You can let go, try to grab her, and then take the deal. Oh, no, no, like, you know, if you were hanging on to the hand. If he hadn't done a natural one on his flip, he would have been able to. Wait, what do you have to flip? Will, why do you have to get mad at him for flipping?
Starting point is 00:31:06 Man, shut up. Why didn't Anthony let me turn into a bird? I say no once in six years of podcasting, and this is what happens. So, wait. Is my, is my, am I okay? You have to roll 15d6. I roll 15d6.
Starting point is 00:31:21 Okay. Roll a die. 44 damage. Okay, cool. So, what does that do to you?. Roll a die. 44 damage. Okay, cool. So what does that do to you? It damaged me 44. Fair enough. But you're not dead.
Starting point is 00:31:31 I'm not dead. I'm okay. We're on fire right now, dude. This is that fucking season one heat. You know what I mean? I've come around on Dungeons and Daddies nights. The chemistry. We're fucking riffs.
Starting point is 00:31:47 We're on fire, ladies and gentlemen. We're back. Scary's like, ow. And he's like, well, young lady, it looks like it's just you and me on this side of the adventure. The angel goes upward with Lark, Sparrow, and Taylor hanging on to it. Did you guys see me flip? That's the last thing you hear as it opens a portal
Starting point is 00:32:05 and then goes through the portal. God damn it. And I didn't even take my other action that I had. What were you going to do? You said you'll have circle of death. I don't have any spells. I was thinking of thinking of something. Yeah, well, come back and get you.
Starting point is 00:32:18 Okay, so back in heaven, you see several portals coming from hell and you see a bunch of angels leaving hell flying a little bit lower to the ground than they did when they were flying away and you can also see one open up from old earth specifically oakvale and you see lark and sparrow and taylor dangling from the sky so i'm gonna have the angel rolled and see if it notices you taylor specifically oh that he's hanging on yeah but he's got a little boogie and and lark right two boogies he's got two boogies okay so he rolled 12 which i'm gonna say is enough that he can tell he's got boogies coming out of his eye um i got boogies on my six before it hovers over the gates of heaven past the gates of heaven it's gonna try
Starting point is 00:33:01 to shake itself back and forth to like throw you off all right so it's going to get 11 which means that lark has to hold on and he got a two so lark loses his grip for a second and that's enough time for lark and taylor to plummet down towards the clouds that surround heaven do i have any i was like pulling towards us yeah i'll say you get one reaction yeah they're plummeting towards you I'm so pissed that normal doesn't have reverse gravity. That's so fucking funny. I was thinking I could use my cunning action where I can take a bonus action to hide and I want to hide inside.
Starting point is 00:33:33 Could you do like a Naruto run up link? Do you know like in the movies when like the really spry guy runs up the guy? Yeah, I'd like to use- It would be a very difficult acrobatics check. Wait, wait, wait. I want to use L check. I want to use Lark. I want to catch you like a sweet prince.
Starting point is 00:33:47 But you might catch Lark instead. Lark is falling, right? I don't care about Lark. You are falling because you are attached to Lark. But as he falls, I want to climb up his body like a ladder. Like Devil May Cry style and grab him.
Starting point is 00:34:02 As I said, it's going to be a difficult acrobatics check. So go ahead and roll. Thank you for the sound. 9 plus 13, 22. Wow. That's a big number. I guess you do it. I was going to say 20.
Starting point is 00:34:14 And then it turns out 22 is higher than 20. So you manage to successfully climb up Lark and jump and hold on to Sparrow's outstretched arm. Lark! See you in heaven! So Lark flaunts towards... Link was like going away for Taylor and then he sees Taylor get up there and Link just goes, ah, and just turns away.
Starting point is 00:34:32 And Lark... So now normal Lark and... So you split the party in a different way now. There's a three-way split now. Yeah. Taylor, jump down. What are you doing up there the angel's taking me to heaven like into heaven yeah it is now it is now going into heaven over
Starting point is 00:34:51 heaven and it is going to descend into heaven and i'm just holding on to a hand you're just holding on to sparrow's hand do you think sparrow noticed that the hand changed uh yeah i think your hand is probably smaller and and more greasy than lark's. Yeah. Yeah, Sparrow felt Lark let go. He was like, no, Lark, don't let go. And then he got another hand. He's like, ooh, ooh, good. You got it back. I caught him.
Starting point is 00:35:11 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he thinks. Okay, good. We're scary. It's like Peter Parker saving Gwen Stacy. He's like, I did it. I got him. Uncle Lark.
Starting point is 00:35:22 I rush up to Lark. Lark gets to his feet. He goes, normal. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. Weark gets to his feet. He goes, normal. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. We're scary.
Starting point is 00:35:27 You're okay. Okay, good. We're scary. Where's Henry? Where's dad? They're back on Oakvale. Why do you take scary? I didn't have much of a choice.
Starting point is 00:35:34 I went after Sparrow. I tried to save Sparrow. You tried to save Sparrow? Wait, Sparrow's dad's in that eyeball? No, no. Dad's back on Oakvale. My dad, not your dad. Yes, your dad is in that eyeball.
Starting point is 00:35:43 Okay, okay. All right. Okay, so you just, what's happening down there? You just left a kid down there. What was his name, Clementine? It wasn't Clementine, the dolphin. See the name? Oh, Chester?
Starting point is 00:35:52 Chester, thank you. Come on, come on, Matt. Sorry that I'm not a studied student of your fucking dolphin deep lore. Your fucking Warhammer 40k wiki level web of relationships between Chester
Starting point is 00:36:13 and his wife Lydia and their polyamorous friend Porby. Fucking disrespect to the fucking queen of the heaven dolphins. Hey Anthony, this is like rolling a d6 in a dnd themed porno okay yeah you got me you got me chester goes which translates to you link as this is what i said was going to happen willie is trying to get rid of all the people who might
Starting point is 00:36:38 pose a threat to him okay well wait so how why did why is he bringing taylor in there lark's like taylor just jumped up and joined us. I don't think they were going for Taylor. I don't think. Wait, this is a classic. This is really bad, right? This is just like when the lacrosse team was like, we're going to steal signs from all the other lacrosse teams.
Starting point is 00:36:56 We're going to learn all their moves, right? But then like, it didn't work because all they did was piss off all the other teams and then everyone had it out for us. All Willie is doing right now is bringing everyone that has a grudge against Willie closer to him, which means everyone we need to help stop Willie, and I point dramatically to heaven, is on the other side of those gates.
Starting point is 00:37:15 Okay, well, who's that? You know what else is on the other side of those gates? Huh? The products and services that we offer to everyone. Fuck. Taylor, what are you going to do so are we in heaven now the eye is descending into heaven okay so obviously I'm going to I'm looking for because we're moving I'm looking for a place I can like drop off do a good like roll and like Taylor got himself into like a fucking melgersaw mission in heaven by himself. It's so upsetting.
Starting point is 00:37:46 So as you descend, you see that you're descending near the throne of God, which Willie is currently sitting on. And to his right is dude chained up in the collar. And to his left is your mom, Cassandra, who is just on her knees looking. Like Leia. Yeah, kind of Leia.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Not like sexually like that. She's not in a bikini. I'm talking about the poster. Yeah. Can I see if there's a way for us to talk to if you have a message or something? I'm sure you can. Okay. Can you text me? Can I propose my idea of how we do normal?
Starting point is 00:38:12 I think we can talk to Taylor. Yeah. What do you think? What about because we're married and love lasts all the way to death. So if we sit down and pray and talk to our spouse, I think they'll hear us. I didn't believe in this, but this is what uncle Daryl. Don't we have like a walkie talkie?
Starting point is 00:38:28 I think we have that. We left that in hell. Okay. I nailed out and I go, dear sweet Taylor, my husband, if you could hear me, give me a sign.
Starting point is 00:38:39 Roll a D 20 at 12. So you hear the voice of Willie inside your head going, I'm God now. You just prayed to me, idiot. This is why I didn't send any angels for you, because you guys are chuckle fucks. We're coming.
Starting point is 00:38:58 We're going to kill you. Uh-huh. Click. Don't do that. You can talk to Willie if you do that. No, you do? Yeah. Dear Willie, frick you do that. No, you do? Yeah. Dear Willie,
Starting point is 00:39:06 frick you, man. Frick off. P.S. You suck and stink and are bad and I don't like you very much and I don't respect you. The following God's voice mailbox is full. No!
Starting point is 00:39:19 Damn! Could God create a mailbox so small even he couldn't check it? Yeah, yeah. Back to Melgar Salt, sorry. Yes, back to Taylor. So as you descend, you see... Hold on, so just a quick question.
Starting point is 00:39:30 So when you get up into heaven... Sorry, this is a little bit of heaven lore that I'm trying to just understand. A little Christ talk. I don't think that has anything to do with... Your name. Christ has nothing to do with what's happening now, Freddie. Okay, but like your name is like recorded somewhere, right? Yes, that's what all the dolphins were taking care of in the paperwork ocean. Okay, but like your name is like recorded somewhere, right? Yes, that's what all the dolphins
Starting point is 00:39:45 were taking care of in the paperwork ocean. Okay, here's my idea. I'm just going to say my idea here really quick. I'd like to make a soft landing in the paperwork ocean. Okay, go ahead and roll
Starting point is 00:39:53 Don't want to be by the throne at all, you know. Okay, so you're going to try to avoid getting near the throne. You're going to have to perform a halo jump to get into the soft paperwork ocean. Oh, do you remember that
Starting point is 00:40:01 last time we had talked, Link told you all that Chester had talked about how there's a passage from the paper area straight to the throne room so that he could give this to god i mean that is the way i designed the map so it's not cheating hell yeah i called it okay you know it's like there are a lot of videos coming out now of like divers from china who are really good at diving this is a natural 20 plus 13 you got a natural 20 natural 20 on this act
Starting point is 00:40:22 wow okay yeah so describe what happens. So I go, and I do basically the dive from GoldenEye from the dam. And then when I go into the water, it's just like a single piece of paper just goes. Yeah, so you are completely unseen by any of the angels that are coming in. And you're within the ocean of paperwork.
Starting point is 00:40:43 Now here's my question. What would I need to roll slash is my 20 good enough to get me? I want to find my name. Of course. It's literally an ocean. So it's like the size of the Pacific Ocean. It would take you some time to find your name. It would take at least a couple of perfect natural 20 rolls.
Starting point is 00:40:59 Okay, okay. So like way, way out of line here. Yeah. If you had an unlimited amount of time and way more people. I have to know why you want to find your name though. I have to know. Yeah, so there's no dolphins here though, right? No, there's no line here. Yeah. If you had an unlimited amount of time and way more people, you could find your name. I have to know why you wanted to find your name, though. I have to know. Yeah, so there's no dolphins here, though, right? No, there's no dolphins to help you.
Starting point is 00:41:09 They all got kicked out. If there were dolphins here, they could find it easily. With echolocation. Ah. Nice. Wait, okay. I will say,
Starting point is 00:41:17 I don't know how we'd make this work, but I have a spell called locate object. But I'm on the other side. You're on the wrong side. But wait, wait, wait. Before you help him. And if you pray to me, if you pray, Willie will side. But wait, wait, wait. Before you help him. And if you pray to me, if you pray,
Starting point is 00:41:26 Willie will hear what you say. Well, well, before you help him. Before you help him. Find out what it is he's trying to do. Yeah. You've played this long enough.
Starting point is 00:41:38 I agree. I agree. No, I trust Freddie. I feel bad because I made him fucking roll for that flip and it ruined everything so like i didn't ruin everything he's in heaven now he's in heaven oh yeah he is yeah fuck you freddie here's my thought the bracelet says listen to whatever willie stampler says
Starting point is 00:41:57 if i found my name in heaven's log books and changed it to willie stampler i could give commands to dude. How would you... Never mind. How would I change my name in the Books of Heaven? I figure I cross it out. I put a new name in and I initial it like a legal document. I would make you roll Arcana for it,
Starting point is 00:42:15 but I like that idea. Yeah, okay. It has to get confirmed. It's got to be notarized. It's got to change your confirmation. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine.
Starting point is 00:42:21 You can throw hoops in front of you, but this is just what I'm thinking, which is like, that's a loophole. Yeah, I like the game. That was, that was,
Starting point is 00:42:27 wait, is Willie Stampler rounding up every other guy named Willie Stampler? Dude, it's like the one, dude. Like King Herod?
Starting point is 00:42:34 Yeah. Every other Willie Stampler has been, so it's off screen, so you're not knowing what's happening, but yes, there is a plan
Starting point is 00:42:40 for every other Willie Stampler to do. Your parents are dead. To make sure to get rid of him. There's this guy who'd be like, you want a ticket for, oh God! Oh God! And then an angel just sucks him sure to get rid of him. This is a guy being like, you want a ticket for, oh God!
Starting point is 00:42:45 An angel just sucks him up right in front of him. His family's crying and shit. God. Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Stampler, it's been three days. You have to put some name on this baby's birth certificate.
Starting point is 00:42:57 Well, honey, we should name it after your, my dad or your dad. Let's do your dad, babe. Willie. Oh no! There's one guy who goes like so how long does protection for good and evil last up to 10 minutes concentration okay so i think we should cut back to you and henry for a minute just because yeah henry has 10 minutes to figure out what to do before this thing is going to
Starting point is 00:43:20 absorb him anyway okay well uh my grandson and both my sons are in heaven right now. Young lady, I always like to hear, and Henry just kind of sits down on the ground next to you, and he's like, I always like to hear what the younger generation thinks. Oh my god! You know, what do you think we should do? Okay, well, you know, normally I don't really care what olds think,
Starting point is 00:43:40 but, like, how did you kill this guy? Oh, Willie. Well, we kind of didn't. I mean, he was like, we tricked him and we put him in a little room and we closed the door. It was sort of the most peaceful way of doing it, you know? And it worked for a really long time. I don't know who let him out though.
Starting point is 00:43:56 Yeah, about that. Maybe you should have killed him is my point there. Okay, well, that's very wise, you know? Well, I don't know if it's wise. It's very based of you. It's either based or cringed. I don't know which one that is. Cringed?
Starting point is 00:44:12 It's either cringed or it's based. So, all right, okay. Well, let's see what we have at our disposal. I got about 10 minutes here until that thing comes back for me. So we should figure out a way to get you, young lady, up there with your friends. I mean, if those angels are doing Willie's bidding, maybe we can just ask him, ask him what? Well,
Starting point is 00:44:31 I have this like hat and he told me not to contact him anymore with it, but I used to be kind of like, you know, connected to him or whatever. So like, I could just be like, take me to heaven. And maybe he'll say yes. Ah, that seems... So, like, to take you into heaven. To take you... Okay, I don't... I don't love that plan, I gotta say. It seems risky, but I guess we're in a pretty risky situation. Yeah, I guess it might be worth a try.
Starting point is 00:44:59 And then maybe you get the rest of... I don't know. I don't know what we should do. Hey, Dad, what do you think we should do? Oh, you're quite the pickle, aren't you, son? Well, if I was you, I probably would have killed him, as you mentioned before. Scary. So good hindsight on that there.
Starting point is 00:45:18 I think if you tried to talk to him in your sleep, probably nothing bad would happen. It's not like he can like psychically control you or whatever, because he would have done that before if he had the opportunity. So you can at least try to talk to him if you think you can convince him of something. But I don't know. The first thing you probably need to do is regroup with your friends because, you know,
Starting point is 00:45:37 a house divided against itself cannot stand. I made that up. I was on the side. By the way, I want to roll an insight check on barry because i noticed something last episode and i want to see if i'm right that's a 13 so with the 13 you can tell that he is still under the control of the i said it was a bracelet i was wrong it was an earrings i forgot that you put earrings into him that basically said that he can't it was a very
Starting point is 00:45:59 detailed and uh loophole yes the whole time you want me proof thing. So he is still honor bound to go by that, but he is bumping right up against the boundaries of what he can get away with in terms of what he considers to be helpful. Sending you back in time to see Code Purple, he considered to be helpful to your relationship as a family, for example. This is too meta.
Starting point is 00:46:19 I noticed something, but I don't think Henry noticed it. So I don't know if I can say it or not. Well, what is that character? I was reviewing the game tape and every time we were talking to Barry, Anthony would say that man with the long beard. But he never said that it was Barry. So I feel like there might be a switcheroo going on there, but I don't know how to probe this out. There's not a switcheroo. Okay.
Starting point is 00:46:42 All right. But I like the I like what you're thinking. I'm going to roll an insight on Anthony. Anthony, if he's lying. Nice. Got it. 11. So if we do nothing, the angels are going to take Henry into heaven. Yes. Good.
Starting point is 00:46:57 And then I'll just hold on. Keep yourself in Oakvale. And I'll just be by myself here talking to myself. That's true. Young lady, I can bring you into heaven. You know, that's Milk mail. And I'll just be by myself here talking to myself. That's true. Young lady, I can bring you into heaven. You know, that's probably the best way. We could kind of do what they did.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Do you have like a spell or anything that could help you like be attached to me? No, but I have these, sometimes I play backup keeper. So I have these gloves that are pretty adhesive. Okay. Okay. We can work with that. We can work with that. And we'll use some sap from that tree and i run over to get the stickiest sap i can find from a tree so that scary can glue
Starting point is 00:47:30 her hands to henry's birkenstocks so that she can go to heaven with henry that can happen i would also like to remind you that you have items that you got in the past from daddy's hq at least one of which i think could probably be helpful at this point. Okay, what was the item? What was it? Who remembers? I'm the last person to look at. There was the Lego sword. There was. Oh, shit. We left the Lego sword. Oh, the boots. What are the boots? The boots of levitation.
Starting point is 00:47:55 Oh, well, gee whiz, that would have been helpful about five minutes ago. What size are they? I also see we have zine of truth. Ask Anthony to explain, please. That was your note? That was your note? That was your note? Yeah, that's what I wrote down, yeah. Great.
Starting point is 00:48:09 Wait, I put the boot on? Okay, I put them on. I suit up. I guess we're just going to wait for the angel. Man, this is pulse-pounding Dungeons & Dragons. The angel is just staring at you, blinking slowly, for nine minutes and 59 seconds. So Willie is trying to get people that he feels threatened by to heaven yeah i guess taylor can see this from where he is taylor you
Starting point is 00:48:33 see big tv of the thing cut back it's like you know it is it's like in the operas or like plays they have the tv in the lobby they probably have a throw every i'm saying if you're a guy yeah he wants everybody to see what he's doing. So you can see that he's got Grant, Wilson, Terry Jr., now Sparrow, and then your mom, who's separate from them. But you can see him
Starting point is 00:48:55 saying some stuff you can't make out. It's definitely smarmy. It's shitty. And he... Taylor looks to the right at the sign language interpreter who is doing the feed of the video.
Starting point is 00:49:03 So the sign language interpreter says, so here's what he's saying. You guys almost got me and your parents almost got me. So I'm just going to make sure that you can't ever do that ever again. So I'm going to be nice about it though, because I could just send you straight to hell.
Starting point is 00:49:17 I could turn you into nothing. I could do whatever the fuck I want with dude here by my side. I could turn you into Adams, but instead I'm going to do for you what you and your parents did for me. Several doors appear behind your parents, just like the doors that people's personal heavens are made out of.
Starting point is 00:49:30 And they open up and inside there is just a little four by four cell, almost exactly like the demiplane that Willie was thrown into. And Willie nods at dude and dude lashes out with his tentacles and slaps them all into their respective demiplane prison cells and closes the doors and locks them. And then the doors go back down into the clouds and disappear. I want to roll just real quick. Insight on what's my mom. Okay. Go ahead and roll. Insight. I squint hard at my mom. Natural one. I squint so hard that I give myself astigmatism. Sure. Yeah. You squint so hard that the sign language interpreter dies
Starting point is 00:50:06 and now you can't tell what else is happening in the conversation. Wow. Shit. That does mean you kill people by squinting at them. No. If you ever want to look at somebody and you get a natural one, you will be able to kill them. I'll say that for the rest of the fucking campaign.
Starting point is 00:50:20 Okay. All right. That's good. Okay, so back on. This is just like the end of Phantom Menace, dude, just leaping around from one plot to the other. Wait gonna do well okay so you let's go back to henry and beth real quick okay okay all right young lady so i think what we should do is because we don't know where well actually you know what could you yeah yeah this could work i think you should
Starting point is 00:50:40 go talk to this willie guy because then we can figure out what he's doing and where everybody's going and then we'll know if we're walking and I don't know like do you know what I mean scary puts on the sleeping cap you fall asleep and instantly see Willie Stampler with his back to you and he like turns around like what oh you heard about what I'm doing and you're gonna try to talk me out of it or blah blah blah what's what's up? No, I would never do that. I just feel kind of like left out of the master plan. You know, I know we had our differences in the past, but I'm ready to be truly evil and get this thing started. And, and you know, what's, what's weird is if, if you really considered me a good henchman, I think you would have had me up there with you. So I just feel like,
Starting point is 00:51:28 damn, I really let you down and I want to prove myself. Roll deception with, I'm going to say disadvantage because you've done a lot to show that you were against Willie by this point. 10. Yes, with a 10. He saunters up to you and kneels and he goes, you really were something special, scary. You reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. You know, you were driven, you didn't care about other people, and you were smart. But that came to an end the second you decided to stand against me
Starting point is 00:51:50 and with your dumbass friends. And you were a real, real disappointment. You broke my heart, kid. But let me just say, with all the love in my heart, you are never getting to heaven. Willie Stampler forever. All the love in your heart. Fucking peace out. You know, it's weird because you're talking about
Starting point is 00:52:08 the love in your heart but I don't think you love anyone so like how come you're so obsessed with love like with people loving you like Ron Terry me like all you want is someone to worship you
Starting point is 00:52:24 and like I would know because I've been there, you know, but I think if I remind you of, you know, you, maybe you just want some attention. I mean, yeah, love or whatever. And I'm sorry that you want that attention. I'm sorry you thought you could get it, you know, because you're truly despicable and ghoulish and a worthless piece of fried garbage. And I can't wait for my friends and I to kill you. Good luck. And he snaps his fingers and you wake up. Quick question.
Starting point is 00:53:01 There he's gone. He got sucked up by the night. Now here I am by myself talking to myself. Quick question. Quick question. There he's gone. He got sucked up. I think not. Now here I am by myself talking to myself. Quick question. Quick question. During that, what did I see? What is happening in this side of the conversation? His eyes rolled back into his head.
Starting point is 00:53:14 Okay, so he just stands there and kind of is like. He goes into a trance state. So he's like actually still then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so we know a crucial piece of information. So just keep the hat on at all times. Is that what you're saying, Anthony? I'm saying he can probably choose
Starting point is 00:53:27 whether or not he wants to go see Scary. Still, good to know. But yeah, it's definitely an option if you could find a way to do something in the dream world. Cool, cool, cool. So protection from good and evil wears off. The angel who's been very patiently waiting by you
Starting point is 00:53:39 goes over to Henry. It makes me feel like drooling, but it's like tears, dude. Yeah. Damn. Fucking foaming at the mouth, ready to absorb this boy. Henry, I can't say the conversation went really well.
Starting point is 00:53:50 Oh, that's too bad. That's okay. You tried your best, though. You know? Sworp. The angel absorbs Henry into its iris and starts moving upward. Scary's hand is, I'm going to say with the 10 minutes that you had, you don't even have to roll for it. Like, you really did zap yourself to his feet and the boots of levitation.
Starting point is 00:54:04 His shoes. Henry's feet. You don't even have to roll for it. Like you, you really did zap yourself to his feet and the boots of levitation. Henry's feet. You don't want to get anywhere. Yeah. I probably roll some damage for that. No glue can actually adhere to it. You know what I'm saying? So yeah, you, you ascend up into heaven and everywhere.
Starting point is 00:54:19 So as I, I beat up on it, like rain X on a windshield. As I made Taylor do once the angel goes back through a portal to heaven, it's going to maybe notice that it has a boogie on itself, and it's going to roll. Got a natural one, so it has no idea that it has a boogie attached to it. It was so thrown off by the fact that I had to wait 10 human minutes for this guy. Yeah. And also the person holding onto him is completely weightless
Starting point is 00:54:42 because of the boots of levitation. So the angel heads over heaven. Scary. Yes. You can now see them all. Oh, Taylor made it to the other side. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:54:54 I'm here. I'm here. I start waving. Do I see them? Yeah. Yeah. I see you. Are you going to come down?
Starting point is 00:55:01 Are you going in? We're down here. We're on the other side. You can go. If you go over there, that's where Taylor is and he's doing something. And if gonna come down are you going in we're down here we're on the other side you're gonna go if you go over there that's where taylor is and he's doing something and if you come down here we don't have any ideas um grab on to me and we can try to get in to the gates you're currently too high up for them to like easily jump at you i tried to shake off one of the boots of levitation oh okay so that'll make you get heavier and pull the eye down a little bit but you're
Starting point is 00:55:26 still half you know supported by the boots and you're not heavy enough to completely like these eyes are big so you'd have to be even heavier than just your normal self to drag this thing down to the ground because i said that previously it could hold lark and sparrow and taylor and it wasn't like dragging itself along the ground or anything can we catch it you could drop both boots oh i could yeah and if you remember wait who back in the day in papa john's land wasn't it like a normal they were zooming around a cool rocket boot that's right so we have we know we know we're compatible dude muscle memory so league wants to grab the boots okay so the boot falls on the outside
Starting point is 00:56:02 i shake both boots off can i roll to see if i do something cool when i get the boots okay so the boot falls on the outside i shake both boats off can i roll to see if i do something cool when i get the boots yeah go ahead acrobatics can i do athletics sure that's the 14 that's pretty cool yeah i grabbed something pretty cool well way to go matt i grab them and i put them on i don't even have to like do that thing where i fix the back of them they just really slipped on nice and easy oh that's good's good. That's pretty cool. Oh, the rush. The rush. Incredible. Okay. Normal, hang on.
Starting point is 00:56:29 Just like before. You think of what I'm thinking? Yeah, just like that place with all that cheese. That was crazy. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Isn't that when you started your mustache? Don't remind me. Why?
Starting point is 00:56:39 It's gone. It can come back. It's gone. That's what they do. No, it's gone. Okay. All right, let's go. Wait, Lark's here too.
Starting point is 00:56:47 Yeah, well, whatever. No, he's my uncle, you bitch. Come on. We can't get all of us. You go straight to hell. No. No, we're levitating, Anthony. We're on levitation boots now.
Starting point is 00:56:59 Those are rules in hell. Anytime someone says the word bitch, like they just get to hell. No, they don't really. But if you're in hell if you thought that was sufficiently funny then it would have happened but nobody seemed to laugh that hard it was just too sad I was like we've gone so far
Starting point is 00:57:12 and yet so not far but in the end alright I guess sure Mr. Lark is there a way you can I guess just hop on uncle alright I'll do my best and then he holds on to you guys as you're should we give him one boot and then we can travel with the other boot? No, I'm not giving him a boot.
Starting point is 00:57:29 What if Link puts on the boots and the normal and the Lark hold on to the boots? And then he got his other foot and put on the other boot. So yeah, they're each holding on to one of your boots. Now, remember the boots of levitation. I would encourage you to look at the description. No, because then they won't work the way I want them to work. Because they're not, they don't allow you to keep moving. You have to be able to anchor yourself to something. It's like being in the middle of a space station like we were talking about.
Starting point is 00:57:51 Yes, how high can they go? Yes, they levitate. They're not flying, so they levitate some amount over something. Scary's holding out her hands like, come on, grab on. Yes, once we find out how high these go, I swear these are like six feet high. Do you know it's going to be like? Here's what we need. It's going to be like six feet high. We need like...
Starting point is 00:58:07 I know it. I know these boots are like six feet high. I fucking remember. They're not that good if I remember. Up to 20 feet. In your head, you want an Iron Man, dog. You got Copper Boy. How high up is Scary?
Starting point is 00:58:24 Scary is like... 20 feet. Scary is like 100 feet in the air at least. Okay, okay. I go up 20 feet. Through the winds. I'm sorry. I thought I could go higher.
Starting point is 00:58:36 Oh, God. Let me try harder. Wait a second. I can't do this. I can't even fly these boots right. No, you're doing great. Wait a second. I have an idea.
Starting point is 00:58:45 What? If, okay, hear me out. If Link is wearing the boots and then I climb up Link and Link hands me a boot. Do you see what I mean? I see what you're trying to do. Yes. There's still a ladder. There's three of us.
Starting point is 00:59:02 Can we like do a ladder into the sky by trading the boots yes uh you're gonna have to do a bunch of rolls for it okay okay all right link we've got a chance there's no chance we can't do anything man no link i'm a fan what what's your plan you're just like link hey look link give me an l what give me an l bro an l you've had enough l's i'll give you one of mine l give me an i i give me an I. I. Give me an N. N. K. Say your name.
Starting point is 00:59:27 Yeah, that's my... I'm Link. Are you inspired now, Link? Come on. You're the number one star striker on our team. I know it's been tough lately, but you got to get your head in the game. Do whatever you want to do. Just what do you want to do?
Starting point is 00:59:36 I roll to inspire Link. Okay. Persuasion. I roll not to be inspired. I got a 19. What do I roll? I feel like... You guys are opposing. It's a wisdom saving throw. Okay. I got a 19. What do I roll? I feel like it's a wisdom saving throw.
Starting point is 00:59:47 Okay. I got a 23. Ooh, okay. So yeah, you do not inspire Link. You're almost like, Link, don't you realize this is like,
Starting point is 00:59:53 you're the foot king, Link. You're the foot king. You know who's been buying all your foot art? It's me. You know who's been sending you those messages telling you
Starting point is 01:00:01 you should keep it up and you're really great at foot art and I love it so much. You sent those messages? I sent those messages because I believe in you. You sent those messages telling you you should keep it up and you're really great at foot art and i love it so much you sent those messages those messages the ones that were telling me to keep it up yeah the ones that were like hey you should put more feet and stuff and you should like maybe like i don't know put feet in ice cream look okay i don't know ice cream is really fun online normal i'll do just don't try to make me is really fun online. Normal, I want to look. And people, let's go to Gatorade. No, like sheet cakes. Normal, I'll do it.
Starting point is 01:00:29 Just don't try to make me, like, it's fine. Like, I can't, like, let's just do your plan. Okay, but we'll check in on this later. Okay. I'm going to see if I can, like, weigh myself down more by casting mage armor on myself. And, like, bring down the eye a little bit to maybe 20 feet. It's like the wildest like physics equation question. It's like your
Starting point is 01:00:52 friend is flying 100 feet in the air at a rate. Give me a straight D20 roll. Okay. A 13. So you rolled a 13, which means you're going to go down to 50 feet, let's say. So we have to close 30 feet. You have to close 30 feet by alternately giving...
Starting point is 01:01:07 And how many rounds do we have to do this? Because scary is coming towards us, right? Yeah, scary is going towards you and he's going to go past you into heaven, essentially. So I'm going to say... So this is like a skyhook situation. It's very much like a skyhook, yeah. Essentially, it feels like you won...
Starting point is 01:01:21 Sorry, I don't care. You should make a divisible of 20 and then it should just be how many times we have to do because each time we do we essentially go up 20 more feet so it should just be some number of times we have to flip flop each other so scary roll to 13 which means she's going to descend all the way from 100 feet down to 60 feet so if you can successfully do your levitation chain three times okay you will be able to grab on her okay all right so normal's up for us because he's so i'm gonna i'm gonna tell you what the rules are so you don't think i'm bullshitting anything okay from now on so what you're gonna have to do is first the person
Starting point is 01:01:55 who's giving the boot to the other person has to roll a acrobatic check to keep their balance on just one levitation boot okay then the person taking the boot has to roll athletics or acrobatics check to keep their balance on just one levitation boot. Okay. Then the person taking the boot has to roll athletics or acrobatics to climb up the other person. Right? Yeah. And then you're going to also have to then make a dexterity check to grab the other person. Three rolls per flippy flop. Per flippy flop, three rolls. Yes.
Starting point is 01:02:18 And what number are we trying to hit each time? You're trying to hit, let's say, 13. Okay. Okay. So I got to do acrobatics first. Well, first, since I'm touching both Lark and Link, the names are similar. Hey, you guys have similar names.
Starting point is 01:02:33 You ever think about that? Sorry, I've been- I've never, nope. I'm going to cast guidance on Lark and Link so that they can add a D4 roll to one ability check of their choice. Okay. So I will go first.
Starting point is 01:02:48 Actually, no, you need to go first. I have to do acrobatics, yeah. I got a 13. Okay. Great. I awkwardly pull off my shoe, one shoe, and I hand it to you. Okay.
Starting point is 01:02:56 And now I have to climb up him, right? Okay. Okay. That's a four. So you fall off of a link. You've still got one boot on, right? No, because you said I put the boot on at the end. Right, I did.
Starting point is 01:03:12 Can I make a mid-air acrobatics roll to put the boot on? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So we're just flying next to each other at 20 feet. All right, that's a 10. Okay, so with a 10, I'll say that, yeah, you were now just both next to each other at 20 feet, balancing on one foot.
Starting point is 01:03:26 Meanwhile, Lark is like going to have to hold on while all this bullshit is happening. Normal, if you just wanted a boot, you could just ask for a boot. You got a 10, which I'm going to say is not good enough. So he goes, well, and lets go of you and falls the way back down to the ground outside heaven. All right. So he goes, you know what? Just go, go. You can do this.
Starting point is 01:03:42 Go. I believe. Hey, Normal. Yeah? I believe in you. Wow, thanks. Okay. Wait, how tall are the walls to heaven? side heaven all right so you know what just go go you can do this go i believe hey normal yeah i believe in you wow thanks okay how tall are the walls to heaven okay so the walls to heaven are 90 feet tall okay i have an idea i have an idea well link's gonna just fly towards the walls of heaven and he's gonna like so again because because they're levitation based you can't actually i've derived yourself 20 feet above the ground towards the walls. Okay. And then when I get
Starting point is 01:04:05 to the walls, Anthony is a destiny player should know I'm going to do some jank platforming shit. I was essentially just going to fucking like scoot up against the walls and just like find every like micro little a button like fucking like a go on the side of a
Starting point is 01:04:20 skating up the edge of this fucking wall. I'm just doing I'm just fucking bouncing i'm hitting i'm grabbing every little ledge i'm like there's 20 feet in here somewhere come on come on come on like you fucking do it god damn it do you have a bonus because you've glitched out fifa so you're i mean like i'm just like putting my feet at like 45 degree angles i'm like finding little wedges i'm just like i'm just trying to like climb up this wall with these boots okay that makes sense that that makes sense yeah so go ahead and roll acrobatics for me 19 plus 3 oh shit okay so yeah you successfully managed to destiny to your way up the um the fucking wall and as you crest over the the top of the wall normal it's
Starting point is 01:05:01 not hard just get up here as i crest over what i see as you crest over the top of the wall normal it's not hard just get up here as i crest over what i see as you crest over the top of the wall you can now see basically the same thing that taylor can see which is willie on his throne and then you also see your dad your granddad rather get thrown into a uh another demi plane as well so daryl wilson has been taken put on his knees and then tossed into a demi plane without the chance to say anything cool because Willie is in control. How far am I from the... Daryl doesn't say anything cool, but he catches his fucking link off in the distance, somehow knowing he's looking at the TV,
Starting point is 01:05:35 and Daryl just like fucking takes his baseball cap and just gives a little wave. He just gives a little wave and points it like this one's like, you can't, and points it like this one's like you can't it locks in another uh angel comes in from hell and is holding jody foster and glenn close and they get to also do one cool thing before they get thrown into demi planes wait wait wait definitely get thrown into a demi plane together by the way that feels like they deserve each other in this moment anthony i know this is outside the
Starting point is 01:06:05 rules a little bit but like can i use kind of like my like scout rogue kind of like archetype to like look at glenn and try and get a little bit of his like persuasion riz yes like i've absorbed you know like maybe the time that i've spent you know here i can like get a little bonus of my persuasion maybe yes let's say if you succeed on a nature roll, then you will be able to get, because he's Glenn, double advantage on one persuasion check for the rest of the game.
Starting point is 01:06:33 Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay. Since Link just saw just one of the most confident men that have ever walked the earth, can Link just like from that pure confidence just get like a bunch of stat bonuses too from watching? Daryl, that's what we're doing. Well, I mean, is that the
Starting point is 01:06:45 thing that makes Link finally like believe in himself and give a shit? Four plus 12, 16? I'm going to say a 16 is good enough. Okay, thank you. So you see the charisma
Starting point is 01:06:55 that just radiates off of Glenn Close, amplified by the fact that he's next to Jodie Foster, who has no Riz, has no charisma. Oh, is that what Riz charisma? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:07:03 Yeah, right? Yeah, the kids are really with it. Once, for the rest of the game, you have the opportunity to double advantage a single persuasion roll or deception roll. How far away is scary and the angel and Henry from the threshold of the gate? I'm going to say you have one action left
Starting point is 01:07:22 before you are over the gate. Oh, you want to drop on the top of like where link's gonna be no no i have mask of many faces which allows me to cast disguise self at will without expending a spell slot so i'm going to cast disguise self on myself what do you disguise yourself as i disguise myself as a different student from teen high. Margarita pizza? Larry. Larry, okay.
Starting point is 01:07:55 Yeah, and Larry is a science guy, and he wears glasses. Larry the science guy. Yep, classic, and just very innocuous, designed to blend in. Okay, great. Yeah, you look like the human equivalent of vanilla. Yay. You're like the Christmas prince. Okay, great. Yeah, you look like the human equivalent of vanilla. Yay. You're like the Christmas prince. Is that Larry?
Starting point is 01:08:08 So now, Will and Freddie, is there anything you would like to do? Yes, okay. Okay, so normal's still on the other side of the wall. Yes, you have one. You just saw a master get up it. I just saw Link cheese his way up the wall. So what is that?
Starting point is 01:08:21 I have to roll acrobatics? Acrobatics. Okay, all right. Normal's like, yeah, that's the spirit, Link. Yeah, you got it. I knew my speech worked. I knew you'd believe in yourself again. You're going to get over all sorts of walls in this life. You have ours, my friend. And then Normal's going to try to do what Link did because Link has inspired him. That's a 15. So a 15 is good enough. You imitating your best pal, Link, link maybe you destiny to your way up the walls of heaven and managed to get onto the lip of heaven which i assume you guys are like holding onto the lip
Starting point is 01:08:51 before you like go over the top kind of if you want to or how are you does the wall have like you know what do they call no there's no parapet or anything okay yeah i guess we're just hanging on it okay and then we swing our feet over then we're like sitting on it you know cool like a like a cover of an anime yeah we're like sitting on it, you know, cool like a cover of an anime. Yeah, we're like those construction workers. Yeah. Lunch pails. Like skaters, like the lip of a bull dropping in on heaven. Yes. Okay, so now
Starting point is 01:09:13 we can cut to Taylor. Taylor is in the field of paper, a gentle rustling as the paper makes cool sounds and he's just like meditating and then he's like suddenly quiet, no movement. But then suddenly his eyes bolt open. He's like, wait a minute.
Starting point is 01:09:30 And he grabs the first piece of paper to reach. Okay. What's on it? So you find the name Vincent Spellfeather, which was sent to us by Brian Holt. Thank you, Brian. So Vincent Spellfeather's information is on this piece of paper that you've grabbed.
Starting point is 01:09:42 Hear me out. I don't have to find my piece of paper to change my name. I just need to change my name. I just need to change Vincent's name to Willie Stampler, and then we persuade him to do all this stuff. I have a double persuasion bonus that I can use on this guy, and we can find anybody. Shit.
Starting point is 01:09:56 You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah. So it's like, aha. Now I just need a pen. And we need to find Vincent now. Yeah, but we can find that. There's a directory.
Starting point is 01:10:04 Yeah, there's a directory. That's how you found Daryl the first time. There's a directory. Yeah, there's a directory. That's how you found Daryl the first time. Yeah, the piece of paper has a directory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It lets us know where it is. It has a filing. It's like a Dewey Decimal System for humans, dog. So let's say you've got a pen. You probably always have a pen on you.
Starting point is 01:10:13 So I'm like, all right, well, I'll just cross out this name, and this guy's Willie Stampler, and then I'll initial the change. The ink is going to immediately evaporate, and go ahead and roll Arcana. 19 plus 2, 21. So with a 21, you can tell that only Vincent Spellfeather
Starting point is 01:10:28 can rewrite his own name. Plus, now you know where Vincent Spellfeather is in the Labyrinth of Doors. Okay, great, great, great. Who lives, who dies, who spells your feathers? I love Vincent Spellfeather
Starting point is 01:10:36 in the Labyrinth of Doors. One of my favorite YA books. I think the author is a little problematic. Henry is getting dropped, right? Yes. How does this work? Henry gets dropped in front of Willie.
Starting point is 01:10:49 Okay, so wait, what does that mean? The angel just like opened his yam-yaw? What happens? Yes, the angel opens its yam-yaw, as you said, and Henry gets squirted out onto the ground. Except when the angel opens his mouth, nothing comes out. Except,
Starting point is 01:11:06 have whoever you want, Anthony, make a perception roll with probably a pretty high DC. Link on the tower got a 19 plus 2. Ooh. Well, then Link sees that a tiny little bug came out. Because Henry turned himself into a fly
Starting point is 01:11:22 while he was inside the angel's belly. I hope that works for him. So Willie, on the throne of God, is going to roll to see if he can notice that the person that he could sense specifically in another plane has come to him in the form of a bug. So I gave him a roll with advantage, and he got a 14, which I'm going to say is good enough, so we can tell that the bug is in fact Henry. Wait a minute, the guy's doing
Starting point is 01:11:48 the rolling and checking the rolls of the same person? Uh-oh. They found out the problem with D&D. Oh no. Willie goes, get him, dude. And so dude is going to lash out with one of its tentacles, and as a demiplane door opens behind
Starting point is 01:12:03 Henry, dude is going to hit henry very hard do i get a chance to block too yes you get a chance to do something okay i'm going to hold on what's the name of that spell if daryl knew he could have fought he would it's probably not gonna work don't worry um where is i had it that'd be pretty awesome fucking just henry killed willie right now that's the is i had it that'd be pretty awesome fucking just henry killed willie right now that's the end that'd be so nice the inverse might happen willie's currently fighting a guy who's a bug well i mean but that's his you know nobody take the stats of the yeah no we did it wrong all of season one after i lose my hp of the animal i'm supposed to turn back into
Starting point is 01:12:42 yeah it's bad design. In my opinion. It's too powerful. There's no trees around. No. That's Henry's last words. Yeah. He pops into his uniform, says there's no trees around,
Starting point is 01:12:59 is there? And then gets slapped into the demigod. Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. Sensing that the jig is up, and I cannot believe after all of this, I had this spell the entire time. Henry has a spell called Investiture of Wind,
Starting point is 01:13:12 which I'm going to cast. Normally, you gain a flying speed of 60 feet, so I'm going to fucking cut this episode in half. Wait, you had a flying spell the whole time? I am not proud of what I've done. But you can only fly 60 feet? Will, tackle him in with you.
Starting point is 01:13:28 Oh, Willie? Tackle him in with you. So the way that you're set up is kind of the opposite. So there's like the door and then there's Henry and then there's Willie. So he would have to like grab Willie, turn him around, throw him into the thing. While he's also being looked at by a bunch
Starting point is 01:13:44 of angels and dude who are going to get a moment to react to whatever Henry does. And he's gone. Oh yeah. And he's gone. This is easy. This is easy. I get one thing to do.
Starting point is 01:13:53 Yeah. I cast reverse gravity on dude. Okay. Like to beat dude into the air so that I can block the move. Do you know what I mean? Dude already did it. Um, yeah. So I'm going to cast Investiture of Wind
Starting point is 01:14:06 and I'm going to use its other ability. Is this like a ranged attack, you would say? What is Dude hitting me with? Dude is hitting you with a melee attack. It's one of their tendrils just comes out. Can I cut? It's okay to just let Henry go away. Oh, well, okay.
Starting point is 01:14:19 It's okay to make the story Dungeons of Daddy Season 2 about the grandparents of the kids from Dungeons of Daddies Season 2 about the grandparents of the kids from Dungeons and Daddies Season 1. So Larry steps in front of Henry and is like, don't worry, I'll kill this bug. I'm Larry, that's what I do. And I'm going to try to step on Henry, but not to kill, but just to show, hey, I'm on Willie's side.
Starting point is 01:14:42 You don't have to put him in that big plane thing. I'll just kill him right now. Real deception. Bethany, are you trying to get another teen to be on his side? Is this the master plan? Don't kill Scary. Does this disguise yourself as another teen?
Starting point is 01:15:00 26. Oh! So your deception is 26. Oh! So your deception is 26. So he sees a kid he's never seen before in his life, Larry, the science kid, approach him and say, what did he say? Let me step on this roach? No, Larry says force equals mass times acceleration. Don't even worry about sending it into that plane.
Starting point is 01:15:29 I'm just going to kill this bug right now. Willie is going to believe that you are truly Larry, the science guy. The science kid. The science kid. But I feel like that's not going to change his opinion that he wants to put Henry in the demi-plane. Okay, up to you. Just saying, could have killed this bug right now. That's not going to change his opinion that he wants to put Henry in the demi-plane. Okay.
Starting point is 01:15:45 Up to you. Just saying. Could have killed his bug right now. Larry's sick. Just experiment. Whether it works or doesn't, it's still worth something. Yo, what a chill guy. Henry's just going to try to dodge this tentacle attack. Let's get it done with.
Starting point is 01:15:58 Let's get it over with. Roll a dexterity saving throw. 17. Dude got a 19. No! Henry gets whacked back into the demiplane, turning into himself just as the door closes, and you share a hateful look at Willie
Starting point is 01:16:11 as the door begins to close, and if you want to say something cool, now would be the time. I'm going to say... The door closes. Anthony's had enough of my shenanigans. Fine by me. I didn't care either way.
Starting point is 01:16:25 Larry, you see as Ron is summoned from heaven, elsewhere in heaven, Willie goes, I don't even bring him close to me, just a fucking demiplane. I got nothing to say to this one. And the angel is going to open a door behind Ron and is going to try to
Starting point is 01:16:40 spit Ron into the demiplane. See you later. I mean, if Willie wants that. So Ron goes in again, the door is pointed at Willie. So if you want to say something or look at him or do anything as Ron before the door slams shut, you're free to. Okay. So I think that Ron like looks at Larry and immediately recognizes scary. Like there's just like this vibe, you know, the D&D vibe. And so Ron whistles. And at that moment, because I have Pact of the Chain, I have the Find Familiar spell. I'm not going to use it, but I have a familiar now. Okay. So yes, I'll say that Ron gives you
Starting point is 01:17:18 in his final moment before the door closes, the ability to summon a familiar. And the door slams shut. Willie goes, woo! That is that. Everybody that actually poses a threat to me is done with. They are in a demiplane. And now I get to do whatever the fuck I want. Hell yeah. Honey badger waits for nobody, right? You rock, man.
Starting point is 01:17:41 So Willie, Willie casts an eye towards you. I'm gonna shut up now. I get it. So, roll deception again. 23! Yeah! So, Willie goes, I like you, kid.
Starting point is 01:18:07 So, he goes, I like you, kid. So he goes, I'm going to. Larry's like, what are you going to do next, my king? Willie says, I think I'm going to turn everybody into something like you. I think having everybody worship me as God, which I am, feels like the reasonable thing to do. So angels, why don't you go ahead and go into every single realm? And if somebody was willing to fall on their knees and pay homage to me as their God, as their savior, you're going to go ahead and let them live. And if they don't, you're going to slice them in half.
Starting point is 01:18:39 You're going to fucking take your people and you're going to go and you're going to bisect them and send them straight to hell. Oh, word. Yeah. I it seems that's for for one thing and then obviously i'm gonna get one of these rooms and try the weird spaghetti thing everybody's beginning what's going on i'm gonna fuck maryland strike i'm gonna fuck maryland monroe i'm gonna make cassandra watch the whole thing um cassandra obviously make me a sandwich uh so and also you'd be a lot prettier if you smile cassandra oh uh so yeah i've won i finally fucking oh it's been so long oh finally a w for old willie and in this moment you come to realize that everything you need, you have. You have no allies. You have no super powerful magic spells.
Starting point is 01:19:29 You have no amazing weapons. But you four have one another. And that is all you need to stop Willie Stample. All our days whisked away But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night.
Starting point is 01:19:56 I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right, it's just a matter of time till we make it out alive we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today, no not today
Starting point is 01:20:22 we live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way
Starting point is 01:20:41 I'll be on my way Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolai is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Special thanks this week to Brian Holt for providing a name we use in this episode. And also another special thanks to all of our Patreon supporters. But like more specifically this time, Adam Heck, Kristen Granato, Charlotte McGreevy, Marcy Brown, Robert Pannis, Wheel Lord, Sammy J, Brenna, Panasonic microwave, thrift Thor,
Starting point is 01:21:25 Cameron day, Mitchell grown wagon, Tiana, Kimberly, Ruben Zay, dude, man, nine Oh eight,
Starting point is 01:21:30 Josie Cunningham, the pinball agency, salty pretzel, corn starch, and Sydney Givens. Happy new year. Big news. Scary Marlowe's band,
Starting point is 01:21:37 butthole ricochet, just released their album. Sophomore slump. Stay tuned after the credits for a sneak peek at the first track of the album. And if you're on Patreon, you already know this. You have already maybe even heard it it you have the album in your possession right now we dropped it over the holidays but if you're not on patreon two options for you just
Starting point is 01:21:51 like for rocks rock from season one you can go to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and buy it from our online store or you can just join our patreon at any level to get access to the album in addition to the previous aforementioned edutainment rap album rocks rock in addition to hours of bonus video and audio content shows one shots discord access a whole lot more it's all there and by the way it's cheaper to get the album by just by being a patron too but don't tell anybody patreon.com slash dungeons and dads also big news for matt and myself the feature film we shot over the pandemic starring ashley birch and jordan rodriguez it's called we're all gonna die got accepted in the south by Southwest 2024.
Starting point is 01:22:25 It's gonna be having its world premiere over there. Also, we're gonna throw it up for digital download after the festival, so stay tuned. We're still in the middle of resolving our third-party fulfillment company, shutting down without warning right before Christmas. Good news is we got all of our inventory back in our possession,
Starting point is 01:22:37 and we're setting it up with DFTBA, who we've used in the past as our fulfillment company. So more news when we have it, but expect DICE and the Deck of Daddy things to be back in stock when we're finally up and running. Check out all of our links at dungeonsanddaddies.com.
Starting point is 01:22:48 Stay tuned to hear some scary Marlowe music. And our next episode is January 30th. We will see you then. Not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Scary immediately falls asleep and once again sees.
Starting point is 01:23:19 Okay, here's sleep sounds. Thank you, Siri. I wasn't talking to you, though. Hey, Siri, she's playing music. Another stupid soccer scrimmage Stuck in third period PE I wear bowling shoes with no cleats To show all of these posers that nobody owns me. Then here comes Holly Smith.
Starting point is 01:23:52 She's looking down. She hogs the ball, calls me a clown. Oh, Holly Smith, all full of grace, but I see past that stupid face. She points at me. Everybody laughs. But I see past that stupid face She points at me, everybody laughs Guess she's the one you love Guess it's just one big joke that I'm not a part of We'll see who's to laugh And after all the best years of your lives are dead and gone
Starting point is 01:24:22 Dead and gone dead and gone. Dead and gone. Dead and gone. Dead and gone. Monday science class was great. Got to do something kind of killer. Other girls were woos and owls at the prospect of dissecting tarantulas. Then I see Holly Smith without a care. Those empty eyes, her vacant stare.
Starting point is 01:25:03 Oh, Holly Smith with perfect hair hair that's when i put the spider there she freaks i run everybody screams guess that's the one you love guess it's just one big joke that she's not a part of i'll be the one laughing after all the best years of your life are dead and gone dead and gone dead and gone
Starting point is 01:25:36 dead and gone guitar solo Next week on the morning announcements Principal holds back his tears He said the vending machine fell on The students and the blood banks In need of volunteers. Turns out that Holly Smith was under there. She suffered organ failure. Oh, Holly Smith, it she's the one you love guess it's just one big joke that i am not a part of we'll see who's still crying after all the best years of your lives are dead and gone i'm doing fine but in my dreams they're cheering
Starting point is 01:27:06 As I take a bow and everybody claps So once it's how I know it should be Too bad Holly's dead And gone She is dead And gone She is dead and gone.

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