Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 50 - Larry the Capable Guy

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

The teens split and each enact their plans, inching them closer to a showdown with Willie.This episode contains Violence, Sexual Content, and Profanity.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more a...t our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Blow Hogan Podcast. Check it out. The Blow Hogan Experience. Train by day. Blow Hogan Podcast by night. All day. Wow, shucks. Thanks, Blow Hogan. I don't know if I could live up to that intro. Yeah, so, I mean, me and my friends, we all snuck into heaven because we're trying to get our friend the doodler out. A real asshole named Willie Stampler stole them, and Willie's like God now. That's why, oh.
Starting point is 00:00:43 Well, okay, once I don't know if that's true why does it matter if i'm vaccinated or not Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Instead, a loose... A citizens podcast. A citizens podcast. You're under arrest. I'm performing a citizens podcast about you. We were discussing citizens arrest right before we started recording.
Starting point is 00:01:20 This is not a citizens arrest podcast, nor is it a sovereign citizen podcast. It's a star citizen podcast about the new Bethesda RPG. This is... Oh, that's Starfield, William. Oh, no, Star Citizen's the other one. Well, a Star Citizen is in second grade when you do your best behavior and you get a star. This is Dungeons & Dragons podcast about four teens from our world. Psych, they're from another world, but they're back in our world trying to fix all the mistakes that their grandparents made. My name is
Starting point is 00:01:46 Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue, the sneakiest of the sneaks. That's who I play. Okay. Castor of Darkness. Is Taylor, like, really a tiefling? No. Well, I said him as tiefling because it's like his dad is half, right?
Starting point is 00:02:02 Yeah, it's like Ron wasn't a tiefling, but he was a tiefling. Oh, I see. No, but you it's like ron wasn't a tiefling but he was a tiefling oh i see no but you're right you actually are like half demon like you actually are like a quarter demon so i'm so quarter do you have like does taylor have like a little tail oh not yet that hasn't hit puberty yet he hasn't hit puberty yet well no hold on we're getting all the taylor lore mix i'm digging deep i'm sorry you're right you're right you're right he hasn't hit demon puberty yet he's hit human puberty but then demon purity comes out start growing where they weren't before you know that crazy year all right taylor's teen fact for this week as we left taylor he's now faced with the task of talking to a guy to
Starting point is 00:02:47 convince him to change his name taylor is no stranger to store-to-door salesmanship he did the chocolate you know remember that band candy he had to sell for his baseball team he got all hyped up to go do it and then he was just like all right mom i'm gonna go she's like no i'll just i'll just buy it all he He's like, okay. So that's his entire salesman experience, which is his mom stepped in to buy all the candy he was going to sell. Well, you just fucked yourself out of getting persuasion advantage. I wasn't going to get it anyway, motherfucker. I wasn't going to get it anyway because I'm true to my character.
Starting point is 00:03:20 I yield the remainder of my time. Hey, watch it. Hey, everybody. I'm Matthew Arnold. I play Lincoln Lee, Wilson, Oaks, Garcia, Marlo, Close. Wait, Swift? I think Swallows is in there somewhere too. Swallows is in there. Hermie, what's Hermie's last name?
Starting point is 00:03:36 The Unworthy. He's dead. Yeah, you're a widow. He certainly is. Yep. Anyways, he's the schooled at home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group really really simple i just want to get in the episode i just want to have some fun so just simple fact also because i feel like the latest facts and i'm pretty dark for link so i
Starting point is 00:03:53 just want to say something good again link wakes up really early so he can play soccer and he also sneaks into his dad's rooms and he cleans up he just cleans up for them every single morning are they sleeping yeah yeah he's just like he straightens out He just cleans up for them every single morning. Are they sleeping? Yeah. Yeah. He just like, he straightens out the room at Barco and Grant both think the other one does it.
Starting point is 00:04:10 Like neither of them know that Lincoln always comes into the room and like puts their clothes away and wipes down their bed. Cause he just wants to show the dad. Huh? Wipes down the counter, you know, whatever. That's not what you said dude move wandering into your parents
Starting point is 00:04:27 early morning i agree nothing's happened yet but you never know but yeah marriage is not going well just think it's like man grant that's so nice he's single-handedly keeping the marriage together yeah without that it'd be gone that's the only thing is but yeah that's what he does wow sweet kid oh that's very cute okay i asked but yeah, that's what he does. Wow. Sweet kid. Oh, that's very cute. Okay. Ask really quick, just as a procedural question. Does he use like the disposable Swiffer? Also like Margo and Groundhorn animals. What do you think? They just like throw stuff on the ground.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Anybody who has kids, like you never know when your kid's going to walk into your room. Yeah. Does he use like the disposable Swiffers or does he use like reusable towels? Is he green? You know? Oh, he's not great at all.
Starting point is 00:05:02 Oh yeah. He's like the Lysol wipes. Yeah. They, they definitely are both like, we have a lot of laundry going on these towels there's so many towels in the laundry hi everyone i'm will campos i play normally lee oak swallows garcia the unworthy close marlo wilson tinker taylor soldiers bye uh he's a perky peppy chipper cheery schools
Starting point is 00:05:17 mascot kid fun fact about normal this week i had another one planned but inspired by freddy's band candy story i feel like normal is also deep into the band candy game. I think it was an opposite thing. Normal talked a huge game about, he was like, I'm going to sell so much of this shit. I'm going to fucking move so much product. And got in way too deep. And has an order of 50,000 band candy chocolates
Starting point is 00:05:41 just dangling over his head. And he's just been fucking ducked. He can't sell to anybody. And it's like not vegan chocolate. So his parents won't even buy it off of him. So he's just been like fucking in debt. That's his student debt? That's so funny.
Starting point is 00:05:53 He's in student debt. That's so funny. He took out a loan from the bank under his dad's name. He used his dad's name and his like fucking social security card to rack up a huge loan his parents don't know anything about.
Starting point is 00:06:03 And he's got like just a huge crate of band candy sitting under the house he's trying to figure out how to flip it. Damn. And that's why our merch drawer is down. Yes, yes. Who's SCP? Sell candy please. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow a goth punk seeker of darkness
Starting point is 00:06:24 who is not like the other warlocks scary's currently playing larry the science kid larry fact larry fact i'll do a larry fact was that supposed to rhyme with scary yeah oh that's really cool i like that that is a poet will also important lore question is silver stinian is there like a real larry that she's replicating like she's like oh i'm gonna pretend to be larry i'll let you behind the curtain for a moment larry is based solely on a tweet that freddie just saw but it's been in my mind for a while now because this tweet is so heinous and it's a reply tweet to elon musk um and i based larry completely on that okay what was the tweet in the school no larry's not okay yeah so we don't know well just i don't know maybe anthony would be shocked if we see larry here
Starting point is 00:07:11 that's what i mean like maybe anthony would bring the real larry and then that'd be a good thing that headed him off at the past yeah that could have been that could have been that would have been a funny joke to bring in later on but i'm glad you preemptively anti-improved me and then you could have had a classic like which one do do I shoot moment? Yeah, exactly, yeah. What a fun episode that would have been. Which one do I shoot? One is scary. Another is the kid Larry we all know.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Which one do we shoot? What a dilemma. This is the lore behind Larry. Elon Musk tweeted, I don't like the taste or effects of most alcohol, but there is something quite beautiful about red wine in a fine glass. And somebody replied to Elon saying,
Starting point is 00:07:47 I remember pouring you a glass at a friend's house in SF after another mutual friend's wedding in 17. I was decanting another. You didn't want to wait. Honey badger drinks when he wants. I made the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1 a.m. And I'm like, that's hilarious. Dude, Larry rules.
Starting point is 00:08:07 Piece of shit. This kid has different flavor than I thought. How did you go from that tweet? You'd be like, he's the science kid. I don't remember. But, okay, so fun fact. Fun fact about Scary this week is that before the release of her hit album that is now available, Sophomore Slump. Available on our Patreon and for digital download
Starting point is 00:08:28 at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And Pirate Bay. Is it? Before that, Scary actually had the idea of writing a musical, a soft boy musical, but then realized that was just Dear Evan Hansen. Got him. Fucking got him.
Starting point is 00:08:47 Fun fact about Larry is that Larry's favorite show is The Big Bang Theory. Not because it's so funny, which it is, but because it deals with an important scientific principle. What's the name of Larry's album? When's Larry's album coming up? It's called A Theory of Everything. Yes. Love it. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. Hi, dad. I'm only
Starting point is 00:09:14 realizing now at the end of the series, I probably should have come up with something other than I'm your dad. Like, I'm your chaperone or something. You still are, dad. Teens have dads. Yeah. I guess so. It's actually more fitting that you're our dad. Yeah, it would have been like, my dads have dads too. You know what? If anything, it shows the difference between the relationship of the audience.
Starting point is 00:09:30 But like in the first season, you were saying, I'm your dad. You were talking to the audience like, I'm your dad. Yeah. Here, you're saying it to us. Yeah. It's nice and close. I like it. I like that you're my dad.
Starting point is 00:09:37 Because you adopted all of us. Yeah, you adopted us. That's true. I guess I'm feeling a little weird about this episode because it might be the final episode and it might not be. What? What? What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:09:47 I don't know because you guys, depending on how this fight goes, depending on what you do with Willie, who knows? It might be the last. There's so much I think I need to do. I don't know. Man, that's like your teenage years. They just hit you. Yeah, shit.
Starting point is 00:09:58 As we go, why? One day you had your last sleep over that whole thing. Yeah. one day you had your last sleepover that whole thing when we last left the group you were basically in a multi-pronged challenge i'm gonna do everything i can to make this the last episode no you're like anything should be the opposite let's fucking stretch that shit out like taffy baby when we last left you you were part of a multi-pronged assault on heaven fuck yeah that sounds so sick that's such a kind way of saying so much more deliberate than what happened normal link used alternating hover boots and destiny style clipping into the wall jumping puzzles in order to get up to the wall of heaven where they are currently
Starting point is 00:10:41 standing they can see we're sitting on a wall. That's our part of the attack, as we called it. Perimeter secure. Yeah. Scary's disguised herself as Larry the Science Kid, who has currently gotten in good with Willie, who really admires the way that Larry is just completely subservient to him. And his knowledge of the periodic table. Yep. Taylor is currently in an ocean of paperwork and has just found the name Vincent Spellfeather
Starting point is 00:11:03 on a particular piece of paper and is planning to convince Vincent Spellfeather because only the person whose name is on the piece of paper can change the name to Willie Stampler so that he can subvert the caller that is around dude that reads, I have to follow Willie Stampler's instructions to the letter. And there's another Willie Stampler's alive because Willie Stampler killed all the other Willie Stamplers. Yes, all of the Willie Stamplers. Gently into one.
Starting point is 00:11:24 Including a baby that was just named Willie Stampler because alive because Willie Stampler killed all the other Willie Stamplers. Yes, all of the Willie Stamplers are dead. Including a baby that was just named Willie Stampler. He absorbed them, at the very least, the angels. Maybe they're not dead. Maybe all the babies are fine. Oh, you're saying maybe he has all the power, just like in Jet Li's The One. So yeah, I guess you're still all separated. We're still technically in
Starting point is 00:11:39 three different parties. So I leave it to you who we would like to pick up with first. So the last thing that happened was the Stinky i leave it to you who we would like to pick up with first so the last thing that happened was the stinky boys made it to the top of the wall uh scary that's right you're stinky now too yeah can we see taylor seal team stink sure can we just like watch specifically like in the harry potter movies when it looks really dumb when they like teleported they like the kids that teleported while they kind of like walk in the air like slowly floating down to the ground can we do that can we just walk down to what the fuck are you talking about no i know i know exactly what you're talking about unfortunately i know
Starting point is 00:12:13 that it's in the fourth harry potter movie and it's like when they're they touch the port key and the adults are able to like run through the air but they still like hella stupid and the kids just slam into the ground yeah the the CG is like clearly they're just running on a treadmill on a green screen and they just kind of like levitate them down to the ground.
Starting point is 00:12:29 I'm just like can we just like float walk to Taylor is my point. You could do it you would have to pass a stealth check to get past the angels
Starting point is 00:12:35 that are currently floating over heaven looking everywhere like a bunch of security cameras. I was just about to ask what the angel situation is. Yeah what's going on? Paint the picture.
Starting point is 00:12:43 They're currently in the throne of God where Willy is sitting. There are eight angels surrounding him and the doodler. Everywhere else around heaven there are scattered angels here and there basically looking back and forth like security cameras in a Metal Gear Solid
Starting point is 00:12:55 game. So wherever you go, you're going to have to be a little bit sneaky to avoid getting spotted by the angels. Alright, well we just avoid it. I'm like in all those games it's really easy to just avoid it. You just wait for them to look away. what's up norm so it feels like taylor's got something going on yeah i see him over there he's got like a paper he looks pretty excited yeah i don't know what that's about but it looks great i haven't seen scary i don't know where scary is there's a cool teen talking to willie i don't know what that's about but it feels like you and I don't have anything going on. I mean, we're... What?
Starting point is 00:13:26 What do you mean? Norm, we got into Evan. I mean, but we're just kind of sitting here right now, so what do we do? We just got here. We just need... I just need a rest. It's like, fine. Okay, well... All right, well...
Starting point is 00:13:35 Let's go to... It looks like Taylor's got something. We've got to get to Taylor. Should we go find out what Taylor's got going on? I was just going to be like, you know, we could also figure out something to have going on if you want to do that. Or we could just get in on whatever Taylor's got got going i mean i'm looking around this looks like willie's pretty strong over there and looks like angels are everywhere i feel like the sooner we can all get together and i mean
Starting point is 00:13:53 i want to find scary if we can know where scary is yeah maybe taylor knows they're scary yeah maybe it's taylor oh yeah because that's all the names and like there's a lot of names there but i think i remember again like chester and his wife taught me a few things so like maybe i'll what do they teach you i mean a lot i mean i'm honestly just like just like really thinking about yourself and like what you really want to do with your life because like they've lived for a long time really how long have you lived for i mean forever as far as i'm concerned longer than captivity i'll tell you that much yeah yeah anyways like they seem happy even though all they do is just read paper i was like that's a big deal yeah what's up are you happy well no of course not that's a silly question nobody's happy i mean have you been happy before do you think i mean there's
Starting point is 00:14:30 like moments when like i'm like kicking a soccer ball or like you guys say that something was cool i did that like i feel like pretty cool so like that's good that's happy so well that's a heavy question in heaven like we're in heaven right yeah that's like you know okay is this by we don't have much going on is this what you mean because like we could we gotta go i don't know like i just feel like you're like you know i just i know we got a lot going on but you know i just want to get in there sometimes to dig around and see what's going on i appreciate that no no it's totally cool i think it's something i'm going to deal with yeah i don't know anyways here's what we're gonna do you know like if there's like a like you have like a dinner party your dads are having a dinner party and you like
Starting point is 00:15:03 drop a glass and it's broken and you're like, I guess I could probably fix this glass, but it's going to take a long time. I definitely can't do it at the dinner party. So like, I'm definitely like that glass. Wow. I'm broken.
Starting point is 00:15:14 How many pieces do you think? This is really interesting. I don't know, but we got like a dinner party. So you're right. We'll figure it out later. And honestly, we'll probably just throw it in the trash.
Starting point is 00:15:22 Cause like, who cares about fixing a glass? So like, let's, let's a glass? So let's go. Let's go find Taylor. I want to give you this. I pull out a sticker from my pocket. And it's a sticker. Just a little cut-up sticker of an octopus.
Starting point is 00:15:37 People say kids stop liking stickers after the age of five, but I disagree. I'm always down for a sticker. This is the Toctopus. And anytime you want to talk to puss and anytime you want to talk to me you just you know you just show me the sticker and then a sticker to talk to you we'll check in on this okay you can put the sticker on something or just leave it on the sleeve if i lose the sticker guys don't talk to you you can still do you yeah oh you just tell me you lost the talk to post but you want to talk okay okay just you know but there there it is
Starting point is 00:16:02 all right all right well let's go find find Taylor. Yeah, let's hover down. So you hover down to the surface of heaven. Oh, shoot, we were supposed to stealth and stuff. Oh, before I do that, Anthony, I want to, I was like, maybe while we're talking. I was going to give you an opportunity to stealth right there, but yeah. Okay, I was going to say, while all that was going on, normal was also reconnoitering to see if I could memorize the.
Starting point is 00:16:19 So you were half listening to your friend. Are you happy or what? So, hey, here's the sticker. Talk to the sticker whenever you want to happy or what so uh yeah yeah yeah yeah here's the sticker talk to the sticker whenever you want to talk to me i'm busy i wanted to be there for link but i also wanted to look like i was in casual conversation for any suspicious angels going around while also trying to clock like what like their little scouting patterns might be so we can in fact link was also only half listening. I was also scouting. All right.
Starting point is 00:16:48 Combined, I think that means both of you get an either a perception or investigation check if you want. Okay. Okay. To catch their patterns. Oh, I got a 21 perception. I got a 20. Wow.
Starting point is 00:16:56 Wow. Okay, so great. So it means you're going to get an advantage on your- We get to both percept and invest what's going on. Yes, we exactly know what's happening. You can roll advantage on your stealth check to get past the angels. Both of us are trying to pretend like we weren't. we exactly know what's happening. You can roll advantage on your stealth check to get past the angels. Both of us are trying to pretend like we weren't.
Starting point is 00:17:09 Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. We're both like, yeah, let's just be sneaky. Yeah, yeah. We're both pretending like we weren't doing that. I got 19 stealth. Good thing I rolled that advantage. I got 12.
Starting point is 00:17:20 Without advantage. With a 19 stealth, you managed to pass without trace past the angel's link with your 12 normal you begin to pass without trace through the clouds of heaven but you stumble on a slightly harder cloud and you face plant on the ground and if you stay still there's a chance they won't see you but their angel is now looking directly in your area and there's sort of fog of a cloud rolling over you and it's right in your eye don't move don't move come on without me no i'm gonna i look around for like live a happy life what i mean talk to us to someone you love share your feelings okay oh well go find taylor i'll be fine okay stop okay i'll do all those things i promise shut up stay still and i'll go do those
Starting point is 00:18:02 things okay wink and then i'm face planted on the ground. I can't look up. Did you just say wink or did you wink so loud? It sounded like you said, I said it cause I knew you weren't looking at me. So you wouldn't see my angels that are around like me and Willie. They are the same type of angel, but they are not literally those angels.
Starting point is 00:18:17 There are eight angels that are stationary around you and Willie. There are other angels around heaven that are just patrolling. I want to look for something that I can throw to distract the angel okay what kind of stuff do you think you might find in heaven in the law i know what i'm gonna do the seven people you throw in heaven i'm gonna turn on if that's how it works i'm gonna take off my hover boot now that we're on the ground okay i'm gonna like turn on full blast just trying to get to that 20 foot range you know and i'm pushing it down you know like two magnets against each other i'm pushing it against like a 45 degree angle somewhere some pillar i'm just gonna let it go so the boot goes and goes like flying okay sure that's fun yeah so you find an alabaster pillar
Starting point is 00:18:53 and you push the um with the levitation you push the boot the levitation against it and just like you said it's magnetized in a way it's trying to resist the urge to touch it really wants to get 20 feet in the air it's got those lights on it too so yeah yeah i'm shooting it like right past the angel so it like flies past it that's great so give me an advantaged dexterity check to make sure it doesn't like slip out of your hands while you're trying to do this i do strength because it's like yeah yeah because it's hard because it's strong actually i do dexterity because i'm better at dexterity yeah i mean my thing is good save makes more sense. Good save, Matt. Good save, dude. It's an 11.
Starting point is 00:19:28 Oh, I got advantage of it, right? You said? Hell yeah. Because it's a good idea. It's a 14. Okay, so I think a 14 will send the boot of levitation way into the distance. So now you've lost that boot of levitation for good, because it disappears into the clouds. But at the very least, the motion passing past the angel's field of view
Starting point is 00:19:44 makes it go, and it turns and follows that. In that moment, normal is going to scurry into where link is into a great hiding space. You are together now hiding against the alabaster. I like the idea that the angels like, what was that? What was that noise? Must've been a boot.
Starting point is 00:19:59 Yeah. Must've been nothing. Must've been a boot of levitation. So now there is basically a clear shot between you and the ocean of paper if you want to try to get to Taylor. Do we see Taylor? Yeah. Taylor is currently like top tier stealth within the ocean
Starting point is 00:20:12 because he landed so properly. You hear perhaps a whisper of Taylor. Taylor is just a phantasm, a ghost in the machine. You hear him in the rustling of the paper. Taylor's a ghost? Between the lines. No. I want to put my lips up to- You hear a whisper of Taylor like, Taylor. I want to put my lips up to theling of the page. Taylor's a ghost? Between the lines. No. I want to put my lips up to-
Starting point is 00:20:25 You hear a whisper of Taylor? Like, Taylor. I want to put my lips up to the shore of the paper. Okay. Your lips? Yeah, like I'm going to whisper into, like, you know, like you're whispering into the water.
Starting point is 00:20:34 And the whisperer's like- Yeah, you know that thing we all do? You know when you whisper into the water? Were you an old woman who lost her husband at sea 40 years ago? And I go, and I go, and I go- Bring him back to me and i go anime is not a real art form all right now you have to make a disadvantaged stealth role taylor i want to call
Starting point is 00:20:54 him to us i want to fight because like he's in this like pacific ocean you're gonna hear it no matter what but it's a wisdom saving throw to see if you can stop yourself from from killing freaking the fuck out and making a really loud noise. Natural one. Oh no! From across the ocean. What? Taylor goes super saiyan and launches into the sky. No, you see, you know how like
Starting point is 00:21:15 Bugs Bunny when he goes under the ground and it's like that tough the mound is moving around. You just see a mound of paper. Something's coming Link. And then all of a sudden, our last hope. All of a sudden the mound disappears and's coming, Link. And then all of a sudden, our last hope. All of a sudden, the mound disappears and they go,
Starting point is 00:21:29 nothing personal, kid. And I'm right behind you. I have a knife up to your throat. Oh my God. You say that one more time. And you screamed loudly. So the angel who got distracted by the boot,
Starting point is 00:21:42 then immediately like, an exclamation point of beers above its head. I go normal and I go boot because you have a boot too. Alright, I'm going to try to do the boot thing. I mean it is looking directly in your location so you're going to get a disadvantage. Hit it! Hit it!
Starting point is 00:21:57 I'm going to try to yeet my boot into its eye. Okay, make a range attack. What's funny about this is that this is a specifically accuracy related foot thing. It's too bad that is that this is a, what, like a specifically accuracy-related foot thing. It's too bad that, Matt, you're not doing it. Oh, yeah. I got an 11. Okay, so with an 11.
Starting point is 00:22:12 I go, get a load of this, yeah! And I shoot the boot at it. The boot goes, doink, and just kind of like bounces off of its eye, and it just like narrows its eye at you and starts pursuing you. It's coming at you. Its pupil begins to dilate and enlarge and you can tell
Starting point is 00:22:26 that it is going to try to swallow you into itself. Hold hands and let's just swim. Like if there's bees attacking you, you go in the water. Into the papers, everybody! Into the papers, everyone, but hold hands so we don't get lost. Okay, great. You disappear into the ocean of papers much like your money should disappear
Starting point is 00:22:42 into the products and services that are offered by all the lovely companies that advertise with us. Dungeonsanddaddies.com. Wait, can the angel go on the... You're about to find out. Oh, okay. So yeah, go ahead and roll initiative, please. 20.
Starting point is 00:23:01 Wow. I get plus three initiative. 21. That's good. We're on the same team, bro. Wow. I get plus three initiative. 21, fucker. That's good. We're on the same team, bro. 14. Congratulations.
Starting point is 00:23:10 You can say the biggest number. Is that from something? It's just succession. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's really good. So, Taylor, you get to go first. You can sort of sense that the angel is scanning the surface of the ocean of paperwork, trying to find you. And then on its turn, it is going to make a check basically to find you. And if it succeeds,
Starting point is 00:23:27 it is going to start attacking you. Is it just observation? Is this how this angel is finding me? Yeah. It's just looking with its big ass eye. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to hold my breath and sink deeper into the papers.
Starting point is 00:23:38 Okay. Feels like that's a constitution saving throw to see if you can disappear under the paper without losing your breath. Four plus three, seven. Okay okay so you immediately and oh i breathe in a bit of confetti and like cat cat yeah you get a paper cut in your throat oh no yeah yeah that's real that happens i'm gonna say that was your movement if you want to try to do something else okay in that case uh they still went further down but you made noise noise. I'm going to do panache. I'm going to roll panache,
Starting point is 00:24:06 an action that I have. As an action, I can make a persuasion check contested by a creature's insight check. Okay. On success, a hostile creature
Starting point is 00:24:13 is disadvantaged on attack rolls against targets and can't make opportunity attacks on targets other than me for a minute until one of my allies engages it or gets more than 60 feet. If it isn't hostile,
Starting point is 00:24:22 it's charmed. But it sounds like it's hostile. It is hostile. I'm rolling a persuasion against your insight. Yes. And I've rolled a 11. I rolled a 6. So what is it you do or say to convince it that it wants to attack
Starting point is 00:24:33 you above anybody else? I go, Our Father, our Lord in heaven, thy kingdom come, thy will be done. Okay. I say the Lord's prayer. And apparently it hates the Lord's prayer. And I cross myself. No, because then it's just like, this guy checks out.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Oh, you're trying to get it to not attack you. On the success of hostile creatures, disadvantage on attack rolls against target. Right, but it sounds like he also can't do opportunity attacks against anybody other than you, which sounds like he's got his focus on you. He's got his focus on me because I'm clearly one of God's creatures.
Starting point is 00:25:01 You're one of God's children, yeah. So God's children are not for sale and he's confused by using the Lord's Prayer. So if he does try to attack you, he'll have disadvantage. Correct. And or track anybody else.
Starting point is 00:25:10 Oh, no, and really quick, sorry. He can't do opportunity attacks against other people. Correct, correct, correct, correct. All right, Link, it is your turn. Are we like underwater? Like, how are we moving in this? Yeah, I feel like this is basically...
Starting point is 00:25:18 Are we like sinking? Imagine it's like the ocean. You're underwater. You're not sinking naturally unless you like, you know, empty your lungs. Yeah, so it's kind of like magical money situation yes very much though what matters because i have freedom of movement so the the angel hasn't gone yet right you know the angel
Starting point is 00:25:32 still looking for you okay i'm going to try to sink lower too i mean i'm essentially holding on to taylor so i'm following him and i'm going to cast freedom of movement on normal which is you touch a willing creature i'm assuming you're willing uh for the duration of the target target's movement is unaffected by difficult terrain spells and other magical effects can either reduce the target speed the target can also spend five feet of movement to automatically escape any non-magical restraints but also being underwater imposes no penalties on the target's movement or attack so i feel like however we were moving he can essentially like just walk like yeah
Starting point is 00:26:10 he just moves at normal speed normal certainly remembers the two years of synchronized swimming he did nice and also just so that for once i've done the i feel like you did that alone too you know i think they did 1812 overture and normal was the cannonball. And for you D&D heads, I know the components are a leather strap bound around the arm or a similar appendage. That's my leather shin guard is my component. Great. This is how I know components are bullshit, by the way,
Starting point is 00:26:38 is that Baldur's Gate 3, the fucking crunchiest D&D game of all time, does not use them. Okay, so that was your whole turn? Yeah, I mean, I moved in the same direction that... You moved in the same direction, then you cast Freedom of Movement on Normal. Alright, it's now the angel's turn. So the angel heard the Lord's Prayer from this
Starting point is 00:26:54 basic direction, and is going to make a perception check to see if he can spot you. He got a natural 20. Oh no! So it's going to zoom down and specifically target Taylor, because that's what it heard last. And it is going to try to enmesh you in its eyelashes. So it's going to zoom down and specifically target Taylor because that's what it heard last. And it is going to try to enmesh you in its eyelashes.
Starting point is 00:27:09 So he's going to roll an attack against you with the disadvantage. What is your AC? My AC is 12. So it only got a nine. So you managed to barely evade its grasp or you managed to fight off its eyelashes with your fists. But now it's basically close enough to the ocean that it can see effectively that you
Starting point is 00:27:27 are holding hands and that you're all connected in one spot. So when it's turn comes around again, it's not going to have to search for you. It's just going to attack you. All right. Now it is normal. Normal is going to cast blindness on the eye. Oh, great. No zany spin on it.
Starting point is 00:27:38 Just a spell. Just a normal spell. Is there a save or anything I have to do or make a constitution saving throw? If it fails, the target is either blinded or deafened for the duration. It saved. Damn! Does anything happen when it saves? Uh, no. I fucking hate D&D.
Starting point is 00:27:55 Hey, DM! You can say whatever you want, baby. You're the one in charge. I mean, I don't think it works. I am a slave to the dice, you know that. The spell flew at his eye and then the, you know, kind of like the... He just blinked at the right time. Yeah. Whoa. Blinked it away. That is, by the way't think it works. I am a slave to the dice. You know that. The spell flew at his eye and then the, you know, kind of like the- He just blinked at the right time. He blinked, yeah. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:28:08 Blinked it away. That is, by the way, how it works. Maybe he has like an eyelash in his eye and it's like really annoying. It's like, ow. It can like articulate its other eyelashes so he has to like, and like pick it out of his own eye. Oh, God, weird. It's great.
Starting point is 00:28:20 Love it. All right, Taylor, it's your turn again. Okay, so my sense is really quick. This is a powerful creature, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was wondering, like, if we just kept swimming down, could it swim? We'll find out.
Starting point is 00:28:29 You could find out, yeah. Right now you're at the surface. Normal's also going to use his extra movement to plunge down deeper into the... Great. Do I need to make a constitution saving throw? Is that what we're doing for this? No, I think he's got freedom of movement. Like, you just do it.
Starting point is 00:28:41 Can we breathe down here? You know, if you were submerged under a bunch of papers, like you can breathe in that ball pit you still breathe yeah i think you specifically don't have to worry about holding your breath i think the others do okay because you have freedom nice don't worry freddie i got another spell slot you're getting that baby too meanwhile willie is like i'll be right back i'm gonna go fuck maryland in a row real quick and then he like goes into his own heaven classic dude all right well i'll be here when you get back cool come back soon can you do something else while i'm i don't want you just be sitting there waiting at the door oh yeah sure i'll do whatever you want cool yeah just look in the other direction
Starting point is 00:29:14 oh you're gonna do it right no i'm gonna do it right here i'm gonna go into a room i just don't want the idea of you staring at a door while i'm inside having sex. That's weird. I totally get you, bro. Yeah, I mean, it's like Kepler's law of planetary motion, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm looking at this elliptical orbit, and you're over here, the sun, my man. He just silently, slowly closes the door behind him, and you hear horrible sounds of lovemaking. Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.
Starting point is 00:29:42 Beth, doesn't that mean that the throne of heaven, a.k.a. the throne of God, is vacated at this moment in time? Yes. Interesting. Interesting indeed. All right. Do you want to get in the initiative order so we can play around with your scene as well?
Starting point is 00:29:56 Dog, cross-scene initiative? New boundaries being broken all the time on this podcast. Go ahead and roll initiative for me, Beth. I got an eight. Okay. Okay. Back to Taylor. Back to Taylor. For my an eight. Okay. Okay, back to Taylor. Back to Taylor.
Starting point is 00:30:05 For my bonus action. By the way, Willie's just masturbating, right? Willie's having sex with a simulated version of Marilyn Monroe. He just keeps saying Marilyn Monroe,
Starting point is 00:30:13 but he's just in there jerking off and crying. With my bonus action, very quickly, just tell my compatriots of the plan. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:30:20 guys, look, here's the plan. We know that dude's got a bracelet on that says, Scott, listen, to Willie Sampler. I found this guy who spins a spell feather, okay? Tell us the plan, basically know that dude's got a bracelet on. That's it. Scott, listen to Willie Sampler. I found this guy, Vince's Spellfeather, okay?
Starting point is 00:30:28 Tell us the plan, basically. We're going to try and get this guy to change his name to Willie Sampler. Okay. Find him. Find him. And convince him, my compatriots. And then I'm going to start swimming away from the group. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:30:39 To split up. And be like, hey! Hey, over here! Remember, I can only make opportunity attacks against me. Yep. So as you move away, it only make opportunity attacks against me. Yep. So as you move away, it makes an opportunity attack against you. With disadvantage. With disadvantage.
Starting point is 00:30:51 It got a 13. It's going to grab you around the ankle with one of its eyelashes. Well, no, okay, okay. And it's going to start to pull you out of the ocean by your ankle. Taylor! First, I'm going to do a reaction. Okay. I'm going to do while wielding a shield,
Starting point is 00:31:06 which we've already said my shin guards are shields. You did say use the component, though. Does that use up the shin guard? How many feet do you think I fucking have? Yeah, fuck me. Fair enough. You can see attacks on a target creature. Other than you, you can use your reaction
Starting point is 00:31:17 to impose disadvantage on the attack roll. It already had disadvantage. Oh. Double disadvantage. Yeah, is it a double disadvantage? How's that work? I think it's disadvantage. It's just you know i think it's disadvantage is just disadvantage typically it's disadvantage just disadvantage okay well i can't help you okay
Starting point is 00:31:30 but i'm still hanging on to you i'm trying to swim away i know well i gotta wait for my turn so it's not your turn i go swim free my sweet prince and i use my other shin guard i guess because they get absorbed and i give you freedom of movement too if you're gonna run away you already got grabbed by these sort of being picked up he's getting picked up he's already getting picked up but if he does get free he'll be able to get away a lot easier just to clarify he's getting picked up yeah no magic spell just picked up physically what is it like his eyelashes are grabbing him yes his eyelashes are grabbing him because now freddy you can just simply use movement to get out of it freely because anything that's non-magical constraints you can get away from how long does that last one hour jesus okay so next time use magic anthony
Starting point is 00:32:09 i'm doing yes i cast freedom of movement on you i'm not gonna swim away from you though so i'm doing freedom of movement and then i mean that's a whole action and i'm just staying within range oh that's sick okay so on your turn you can move freely but it's not your turn yet so the angel still has you hey hey you me idiot and i look, you can move freely, but it's not your turn yet. So the angel still has you in his grasp. Hey, eat me, idiot. And I look at the angel and say that. So it's going to see if it gets distracted by you. Got a natural one.
Starting point is 00:32:32 So it is distracted by you. Oh, good. So it has disadvantage against you because of what Taylor, because Taylor did the Lord's Prayer. So it's going to try to attack you with disadvantage. Unfortunately, still with disadvantage, it still managed to get an 18. Okay. So it's going to lash you around the ankle as well
Starting point is 00:32:48 with one of its eyelashes. And now normal, it is your turn and you're the only person who's not currently restrained and being pulled out of the ocean by the angel. I have a spell called locate creature. Okay. And it says, describe the name of a creature that is familiar to you.
Starting point is 00:33:02 You have his heaven paperwork. Yeah, you have the paperwork of his entire life. So I would say that counts as being familiar. Okay, I look at the paperwork. What does it say? It basically gives you. You have his heaven paperwork. Yeah, you have the paperwork of his entire life. I look at the paperwork. What does it say? It basically gives you a biography of his entire life. Well, I've got to get familiar with him. Wait, we weren't shown how the fizzing spell feather was born. Just to clarify, that paper tells you exactly where he is. Yeah. Oh, it does?
Starting point is 00:33:17 Yeah, it's literally a Dewey Decimal System. Oh, then I don't need to do the spell. But I am curious. What does it say, Anthony? How many gallons of piss did he get out? It's stats. Oh, yeah. He peed at least three swimming pools
Starting point is 00:33:31 worth of piss in his lifetime. Wow. Is that a lot? I compare it to another one. Is that high or low? It's actually kind of low. He did not drink enough water. Probably why he died.
Starting point is 00:33:40 Vincent Spellfeather was born in Faerun before Code Purple, before any of that stuff happened. He was a wizard who was trying to start his own wizarding school. One swimming pool. One swimming pool, a small swimming pool. That's as much as I would think.
Starting point is 00:33:50 This guy's a piss legend. He tripled piss. He was specifically a piss-centric, he was a pisserd. He was a pissomancer. He was trying to find different ways of using urine to do magical things, and most of his experimentation involved drinking a lot of water and seeing if he can manipulate the piss afterwards. Like do a piss elemental kind of thing.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Oh, he's infusing the piss with his own body. Yeah. He also knew exactly how much he'd be because he didn't fill up three pools. He owned three pools and filled them up. He has to go to the swim bar. He knocked to the Spellweathers, though. Oh, man. I don't want to go to their house.
Starting point is 00:34:21 Their pool smells weird. Oh, somebody pooled in my pee. So, yeah, nobody ever joined Vincent Spellfeather's School of Magic because of the smell. And he died alone and destitute. Normal's like, can we find anybody? If anything, I would assume that Normal found a kindred spirit.
Starting point is 00:34:36 Normal's not the piss boy. Link's the piss boy. Oh, Link's the piss boy. You're right. He's not a piss boy. He pissed one outside. He's a piss man. He's a piss man. I can't have this conversation again. Normal is going to, well, we know where he is, so you two are stuck. You two are stuck. Don't worry, dude. We got it. We got it in our career.
Starting point is 00:34:52 Fine. I'll cast blindness again. Second time's a charm. Boom. Saved again. I'm so sorry. God damn it! Damn it. Dude, those lashes. The blinking. Yeah, just blink. It's upper lashes go and just knock the spell out of the air. We're back with scary. The throne of heaven is currently open.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Dude is sitting next to it with their arms crossed. And next to the other side of it is Cassandra sitting there like Princess Leia in the original Star Wars poster. Okay. Making a sandwich on her lap.
Starting point is 00:35:18 With a really upset look on her face. She's not psyched about it. I'm going to eat the sandwich. I'm not going to make another one. Oh, don't worry about making another one. I'll order delivery. I'm going to make the clutch move of ordering us pizza at 1 a.m. Willie will be back whenever,
Starting point is 00:35:38 so I'll just make sure I have a menu of all his favorite spots ready to go. And I pull something out of my pocket. It is the zine of truth and I'm going to cast non-detection on it. Okay. So non-detection does what? For the duration you hide a target that you touch from divination magic. The target can be a willing creature or a place or an object. The target can't be targeted by any divination magic or perceived through magical scrying sensors. Okay. So I'm going to interpret that as if Willie sees it, he's not going to know that it's magical. He's going to think it's a normal magazine.
Starting point is 00:36:09 Yes. It looks like a journal. It looks like a journal. Can you make it look like Marilyn Monroe porno mag so it's more likely to grab it? Like, can you disguise the magazine? I mean, it seems like a stretch from what this is. Yeah. I mean, it's heaven.
Starting point is 00:36:21 You could, like, find it Photoshop or something. It's in heaven I log into heaven photoshop oh you find it on top of the creative cloud inspiration for Taylor you find the creative cloud this cloud will cost
Starting point is 00:36:42 50 gold a month to use you know you used to be able to just the creative cloud. This cloud would cost 50 gold a month to use. You know, you used to be able to just get a cloud. Isn't it fucked now that we gotta pay this cloud every month? I write,
Starting point is 00:36:54 Larry's totally rad compilation of best menus ever. Man, on the cover. Okay. But it looks great. Heaven forbid that we even- Roll performance to see if it looks great. Heaven forbid.
Starting point is 00:37:06 Roll performance to see if it looks great. Okay. It's a 22. Wow. Okay, so it absolutely looks like a Zagat's Guide to all the best places to eat in heaven. Yep, that is my turn. 110 restaurants in heaven. You need to try before you die.
Starting point is 00:37:20 Oh, no. That's my turn. Okay. We're back to Taylor. Taylor, you are dangling from the lash. I my turn. Okay. We're back to Taylor. Taylor, you were dangling from the lash. I'm going to use the power of freedom of movement.
Starting point is 00:37:29 I'm going to spend five feet of movement to automatically escape from non-magical restraints such as manacles or a creature that has a grapple. And then in the air,
Starting point is 00:37:37 I will then also, Anthony, use my action elegant maneuver. I can use a bonus action on my turn to gain advantage on the next
Starting point is 00:37:45 acrobatics or athletics check you make during the same turn so in the air i go and i tuck and i start doing like backflips and then i like dive effortlessly into the water and it's just like the tiniest splash like it like a one single piece of paper goes up into the air i will then proceed to use my movement to be like and then like uh i'm gonna like swing my arms in the windmill and kick as hard as I can. And it's just like, like, you know, try and swim away as fast as I can.
Starting point is 00:38:09 Yeah. Like you have advantage on that acrobatics check or athletics check rather. Yes. Go for it. That's, uh, Ooh, 19 plus six,
Starting point is 00:38:17 25. Jesus. You're like the road runner, a big cloud of fucking papers comes up and then you're just gone. So you're like, go on without me. I'm going to distract them. They get whatever they go. fucking papers comes up and then you're just gone so you're like go on without me i'm gonna distract them they get whatever they go
Starting point is 00:38:27 now link is caught but he is free of movement no he spent it on both of us is now link's turn link you were alone normal still here well yeah he's alone dangling from yeah i watched taylor links i'm mad he looks at taylor go and he's just happy that his friend's escaping. Okay, so like, where am I on this eye? Like, how big is this eye? Now I need to know this. So you were hanging upside down. He has you by the ankle on a lash.
Starting point is 00:38:52 It's like a rope is tied around your ankle, and you're dangling from the angel. Okay, and his pupil is looking down at me, and the pupil is the thing that I get absorbed in. Yes, the pupil is beginning to enlarge as it is going to start to slowly, on its turn, try to slough you into its pupil. I knew this is how it was going to go. Oh my god. I'm going to try to, I guess, just cut the things holding me. Okay.
Starting point is 00:39:13 I don't have daggers. I'm going to bite them. Okay. Give me a... How do you roll for mouth? It's like an unarmed strike, right? Yeah, I was thinking that, but there's got to be something slightly more fun.
Starting point is 00:39:23 That could be a... Survival. No, it's probably just an unarmed strike. could be a survival survival pure survival yeah I like survival give me give me a disadvantaged survival roll disadvantaged it's an angel so 11 20 so I'll take the 20 best I can do is 11 11 11 okay so you managed to bite into the angel's eyelash and it is the single most delicious thing you've ever tasted confusingly oh it's a nerd's rope dude but you don't bite all the way through it your teeth are just leave me norm don't come up here it's all mine it's mine all right so it is the angel's turn the angel is going to place you into its people what can i fight against that yeah i'm having a roll for it okay all right so you're gonna have to beat a 17. Of what? Let's say athletics. Dexterity? What?
Starting point is 00:40:07 No, I mean, what save am I doing? I'd say it's an athletics check or a dexterity save. I'm going to do athletics because that's a plus 7. Jesus. You got a 13. Oh, no. You get put into the pupil. As I'm getting sucked in, I go, Norm, don't eat the lashes. Whatever you do, don't eat the lashes.
Starting point is 00:40:26 So you get plunged into pure darkness inside of the angel and the angel's pupil blinks shut for a second and you are for i guess the third time now plunged into complete and utter darkness just with your feelings and your thoughts and it's not amazing but you are basically i beg to disagree killing it in there so you are stuck there now and on your your turn, you can try to escape. It's going to be very difficult. Normal is your turn. If I pop this eyeball, will it kill Link? I guess there's no way to find out.
Starting point is 00:40:54 What would if I wanted to understand the basic anatomy of this thing? What would that be? I would say that's arcana because it's magical. Okay, well, that's a two. So one. So I have no idea. Who knows? Fuck it.
Starting point is 00:41:02 We're going to go for it. We're going to hope for the best. I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt. Okay. At the seventh level. Wow. On this thing I say, you leave me no choice. I must free my friend, Guiding Bolt.
Starting point is 00:41:16 And you just hear them go, just leave me. No. A flash of light streaks towards a creature. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. I got a 12. All right. So 12 is not going to do. I got a 12. All right. So 12 is not going to do it. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:41:29 All right. So it is Scary's turn again. When do we think... Well, how far away is Scary's safety? Scary, sit on the throne of God and become God. No, I don't want to get on his bad side. I mean, yeah, Larry just doesn't want to get on his bad side. Larry is a man of science. Larry is a kid of science, doesn't believe in God.
Starting point is 00:41:47 Yeah. When do we think that Willie will be coming back? I know he's coming right now. I'm going to roll for Willie's ability to maintain. Not very well. He's coming back next turn. Oh, no. No, no.
Starting point is 00:42:00 I think he's got enough pride to pretend he stays in there. Yeah, he's going to stay in there with pretend he stays in there yeah he's like come out early yeah he's a three-pump chunk that's why he didn't want you looking at the door yeah he didn't want you to realize he's just on his phone now just playing marvel snap for a bit arthur miller huh i'm gonna hold my turn taylor it is your turn again then wait why was when you hold your turn if you're at the end i I'm going to say that we'll just allow Scary to get one more turn if she wishes
Starting point is 00:42:27 before her turn comes up again. Okay. What turn? I'm gone. Okay, you're gone. Great. So you're out of initiative order. You can still do things
Starting point is 00:42:33 while you're gone. No, I'm finding this guy. I've removed you from initiative order. You can still do stuff. You're just not involved with the angel anymore. Not even a glass back at your two friends. that's why taylor swift is the fucking killer operator the team needs
Starting point is 00:42:51 because he doesn't let emotions get in the way of the fucking job that needs to get done dude man but let me ask you this what did he pick used to be a fucking sacrifice myself to just the most god anybody's ever been let me ask you a question though okay so do i reach anthony how far do i get do i reach the shore can i get out yeah i would say you managed to get out to the shore while the angels looking the other direction okay so my question is this i'm just trying to think of like is there a way that i can call the angels off like is there like a fire alarm equivalent is there like you know i mean like what i feel like that would probably be the throne of god yeah there's only one angel on us. But the problem is, Scary doesn't know that you guys are in trouble.
Starting point is 00:43:27 Yes, exactly. It's what they call dramatic. But Scary would want to be on the throne of God, though, regardless. It's pretty cool. Guys, don't make me question my character choices. I try to not be the leader, so I don't know. I'm going to roll to resist the throne of God.
Starting point is 00:43:41 I believe that you don't even need to roll. Okay. Like, if Scary went to the Lincoln Monument, would you be like, I'm going to climb up on the chair of Lincoln? Onto Lincoln's lap? That's the most Matt Arnold thing you've ever said. Like we all would.
Starting point is 00:43:51 Wouldn't you just want to be part of the greatest American president of all time? Wouldn't you want to sit on Daddy Lincoln's lap? Like what do you want to do? It's not about being on Lincoln's lap, it's about being a troublemaker. Like when you went to museums, I always wanted to just climb everything.
Starting point is 00:43:59 I just wanted to climb stuff. All right, so you're not going to see anything that's going to allow you to call the angel off. So you can book it for Vincent's spell. Are there any dolphins? No, they're outside. No,
Starting point is 00:44:06 they're all outside. It's just paper. Go find Vincent. Yeah. I'm going to just find the, find the piss wizard. Yeah. I'm going to find piss wizard,
Starting point is 00:44:13 Vincent spell feather. Okay. Give me a stealth role. Cause they're still angels patrolling, executing phase two of the mission. Stealth check is 30. Yeah. I got stealth check at 30 dude.
Starting point is 00:44:24 Wow. 18 plus 12. And here's how, here's how I'm going to stealth myself out. Okay. As I got a stealth check of 30, dude. Wow. 18 plus 12. And here's how I'm going to stealth myself out, okay? As I get up, you know what I see? I see like a room service cart that was like a spaghetti room service cart. What's the second rolling cart? This is the third.
Starting point is 00:44:39 This is every time. Why did we just make a drink cart? If he's not casting darkness, he's hiding in a cart. Well, so this is a room service car full of spaghetti and the meatballs. And so I'm going to use that to stealth in. Great. This is a wheelbarrow. Here's what you would think, Matt.
Starting point is 00:44:52 You would think. Italian waiter being like, I can't wait to do the parmesan and then judge someone when they don't say no, I'm good. After a long enough time with the parmesan. You'd think that will, but unfortunately everyone in heaven is outside, so it's just a cart moving on its own. Unfortunately there's no Italians in it.
Starting point is 00:45:08 They go to Italian heaven. What do they do in Italian heaven? That's what they cook. Yeah, spicy heaven would just be hell, yeah. Fucking Sisyphus pushing a big meatball. Italian hell is them having to sit
Starting point is 00:45:24 and watch people make spaghetti carbonara with fucking olive oil and garlic when you're here you're enemy you have to watch the Godfather 3 on repeat
Starting point is 00:45:33 okay so yes it's a giant bouquet de beffo you perfectly dive into the olive garden cart and the cart then momentum
Starting point is 00:45:40 just continues down momentum carries you deep into the annals of the heaven sort of what's's the word I'm looking for? Agent Taylor checking in. The maze of heaven doors, essentially. Agent Taylor checking in, currently motivating self towards the target over.
Starting point is 00:45:52 No, I'm not talking to anybody. Yeah, that's what you hear from the card. Yeah, he's just pumped. All right, so you managed to get into the maze of heaven doors and you have the paper in hand so you know exactly where Vincent Spellfeather is. Link, give me a con save. Constitution save.
Starting point is 00:46:09 We're going to be looking for a lot of those in 2024 on my right. Right. Fuck. Wow. It's like John Oliver's here. Oh, natural 21. I love this country.
Starting point is 00:46:28 Let's do it. Natural 20 plus one. All right, great. Natural 21. So you take no damage from being within the inside of this. Just because you have such a pure soul, dog. Yeah. Your love of Abraham Lincoln and your desire to sit on his lap protects you from the acidic
Starting point is 00:46:44 darkness that is the angels in his skin you guys know love ray baron lincoln lincoln is just listening and to see if he can no love ray baron lincoln that's even more problematic i would never sit on abraham lincoln's lap but i would sit on like no in the tim burton planet of the apes when it's ape lincoln i would sit on that lap okay There you go. Lincoln's not thinking about Abraham Lincoln. He's listening to hear if his friends are getting killed and upon hearing nothing, he's taking comfort in that. It's just cool. I'm going to remove you from the
Starting point is 00:47:12 initiative as well. Nice. The angel is going to use its turn to zoom up into the air and return to Willie. Can I get a chance to do one thing before it leaves the area of combat? I'll give you something that is equivalent to or less cool
Starting point is 00:47:26 than an opportunity attack. Okay. I'm going to... Equivalent to or less cool. Can I just say it gets an action via casting a spell. What's the spell?
Starting point is 00:47:33 Command. Yeah, that doesn't feel like a reaction. That feels like a thing on your turn. You know what I'll say? I'll say it gets far enough away that it can still hear
Starting point is 00:47:39 the command on its turn. So you have a turn before it gets out of hearing range. That's all I want. Yeah. The command is drop it! Spit him out! Hey! Hey! i want yeah the command is drop it spit them out hey hey leave it leave it leave it okay it is your turn now it's 60 feet
Starting point is 00:47:52 away it's sprinted it flew sprinted away but it can still hear what you're saying so go ahead and command is a what a save wisdom 16 wisdom 16 okay you can come and look at it, but it is a 15 and I feel like it's an angel so it gets like a plus one wisdom. I'm sorry. Chat GBT, are angels wise? So it turns and looks back at you and then is going to make a decision on whether it wants to get you or not.
Starting point is 00:48:15 The answer, by the way, yes, they are beings of great wisdom, everybody. Yeah, sorry. So with a natural 20, it's going to decide, nah, he's not worth it and it's going to fly away. Yeah, because I didn't do shit to it
Starting point is 00:48:23 for fucking five turns. It doesn't consider you as much of a threat all right so i feel like we are now out of initiative so the split the party into four into four groups yeah you made it so much easier i think i'm about to get connected with larry yes you are willie comes out of the door that he just entered disgustingly sweaty and he was much work either yeah it was a whole lot it was like it was like hours i was in there like Whatever time it felt like in here, it was like triple that in there. It's a time dilation thing. Sir, you've been gone so long.
Starting point is 00:48:51 Oh, really? Oh, man, it's at least triple that. I won't be shaking your hand, but I'd like a fist bump if that's okay. It'll make your whole hand smell. Oh, that's awesome, dude. Fuck, dude. He fist bumps you and it's disgusting.
Starting point is 00:49:03 Whatever, cool. Oh, fuck, dude. He fist bumps you and it's disgusting. Whatever. Cool. So I bet you're fucking hungry after that performance, right? Oh, God, yeah. I'm thirsty, too.
Starting point is 00:49:13 Well, bad news. Cassie, where's that sandwich? Bad news. You know me. I just get, like, accustomed to these evil forces. And I, like, ate that sandwich, bro. I out-bro-ed you, bro. I'm so sorry. It was a real bro crime.
Starting point is 00:49:24 Bro on bro crime. You hate to see it, bro. Roll persuasion to see if he's not going to hold that sandwich, bro. I out bro'd you, bro. I'm so sorry. It was a real bro crime. Bro on bro crime. You hate to see it, bro. Roll persuasion to see if he's not going to hold that deeply against you. Because my mom makes great sandwiches, guys. I like to think this is Larry's idea of what a science guy is. That's a 27.
Starting point is 00:49:36 Wow. Game recognized game. With a sweat stained finger, he pokes you in the chest. He goes, I like that initiative. You saw what you wanted and you took it. Well, I mean, you're the one who's worked up a sweat-stained finger, he pokes you in the chest. He goes, I like that initiative. You saw what you wanted and you took it. Well, I mean, you're the one who's worked up a sweat. So why don't you take a look at this special curated menu
Starting point is 00:49:51 and see if there's anything you'd like to order. Okay. And I hand him the notebook. Okay, the zine of truth. Would you like to describe what the zine of truth does? Yes. The zine of truth, a composition notebook covered in stickers and Sharpie marks.
Starting point is 00:50:04 When open, the individual that opens the zine must make a wisdom saving throw of 15. On a failed save, the individual is immediately compelled to write their deepest, darkest secret on the first unmarked page and give it back to the person that gave it to them. On a successful save, the individual takes 1d4 psychic damage from the cringy things others have written in the notebook. He just writes, I masturbated for 20 seconds because you've had such a good role i'm gonna say he's gonna write a couple things because some of these will be useful and some of them probably will not be he writes i tried to kill my son he writes i will do anything to not be submerged in water ever again. And he writes, I did not have sex with Marilyn Monroe.
Starting point is 00:50:48 I could not get it up. Oh no. So I stood there and had her say mean things to me for a couple hours. And then I jerked off. And he hands it back to you. And he goes, what was that? Oh,
Starting point is 00:51:03 why did I just do that? I don't know, bro. It might be something to do with the law of attraction. You know, that's a scientific Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Give me that. Give me that back. I don't want you to have that. Oh, you don't want it.
Starting point is 00:51:19 You don't know. I don't know why, but I just felt the need to like unburden myself. And I just I cool guys don't share feelings with other people. Give it back, please. Have I looked at what's on it? I think you probably didn't have time. You could do it right now. You'd be seeing you look at it.
Starting point is 00:51:33 You could do it right now. Okay, sure. I'll look at it. You see everything that I just told you. And he goes, whoa, give it back. Dude, get it back from me. And dude is going to descend one step and reach out a purple tendril and just yank it out of your hands. Okay, word. Yeah. No, I mean, hey, bro.
Starting point is 00:51:52 When dude gets it, dude opens it up and writes, I'm scared and then closes it. Hey, dude, what did you write? I don't know. Oh, you can tell me. No, I'm a bad girl. I'm doing bad girl stuff, so I don't want to talk about it. I'm just here to support Willie. Yeah, me too. As you're saying this, an angel descends and opens its eye and spits a no worse for wear Lincoln Lee Wilson onto the clouds in front of Willie. So what were you going to say? Nothing. You know, sometimes it's better to be seen and not heard, my bro. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going gonna go ahead and keep this and he
Starting point is 00:52:25 pockets the notebook oh it's lincoln it's lincoln hey everybody hey everybody it's the piss king round of applause for the piss king everybody and all the eyelids like like put their lashes together link is still in his fetal position he just closed his eyes so he just landed he hasn't moved or done anything so he can still tell it's Lincoln? Can you still tell it is Lincoln? Yeah, my eyes are closed. Matt Arnold operating off peekaboo rules. Yes, he knows it is you, Lincoln. I was wondering if I'm slimy, if it just looked like a big thumb shot out or something. No, it just looks like you just rolled.
Starting point is 00:52:59 He just perfectly rolled out dry in fetal position and then like tumbled to the ground. Damn, looks like somebody's suffering the effects of the universal law of gravitation. Okay. I got it. You're very smart. Angels, I don't need him. What?
Starting point is 00:53:15 Okay. Oh, no, no. I'm good, bro. I'll watch this guy. Yeah, sure. Okay. Whatever. Make sure he doesn't do shit.
Starting point is 00:53:23 Yeah, you messed up, man. And if he does, I'll kill him. Hey, well, okay. Hey, hi. Make sure he doesn't do shit. Yeah, you messed up, man. And if he does, I'll kill him. Well, okay. Hey, hi. Who are you? I'm Larry. And if you don't like that, then fuck off. Oh.
Starting point is 00:53:34 Because Honey Badger drinks when he wants and hangs out with whoever he wants. Do we go to the same school? Nope. Okay. So Willie nods and puts his hand on your shoulder and he goes, Honey Badger does drink whenever he wants. This kid's fucking going places, unlike you and all your stupid friends. So why don't you tell me where they are?
Starting point is 00:53:51 Because I'm assuming what? You're part of some sort of last ditch effort to save your family or something like that. Where are they, kid? Come on. You go find them. I'm not going to help you. Okay, fine. Go ahead and put them in the-
Starting point is 00:53:59 No, I don't want to do that though. No. How about I stay here then? No, I'll watch him. I'll watch him. Go ahead and roll Persuasion. Larry! Larry!
Starting point is 00:54:08 Come on, Larry! Roll Persuasion with disadvantage because it doesn't make any sense that he would do this. Larry, though, I believe in you. A nine. All right. So the nine, he goes,
Starting point is 00:54:17 Larry, it's time to let the adults take care of this. Willie snaps his finger at the angels. The angels conjure a door behind you, blink, and the door opens and it's an empty cell with padded walls. Yeah, it's just like the Willie one. And I've seen them because I saw Daryl. Oh, yeah, you have. Cool action.
Starting point is 00:54:32 Yes, yes. So it's just like all the other cells. It's just the cells big enough for one person to slowly lose their mind. Cells, interlinked. Cells. The angel is going to knock you in the chest with a die lash. No, I'm going to grab onto a dude. Okay.
Starting point is 00:54:43 I'm going to like bear hug dude. Okay. Like a toddler not wanting to go somewhere okay great give me a strength check i've got a six well he got a two so you managed to bear hug dude and dude goes don't be sad i'm not sad dude i'm not gonna let go of you man i won't let you go and willie says let go of him. And he immediately lets go of you. Okay, well, I'm going to hang. I'm not letting go. So, I'm still holding up. Willie says, dude, push him into the room. And he goes, I'm so sorry. And he puts his hand up against your face like a six-foot-tall basketball player just shoving aside a five-foot-tall basketball player.
Starting point is 00:55:16 This isn't your fault, dude. No, I think it is. Dude pushes you inside. My friends are going to stop you, Willie. If they can hear me, I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry. That's okay. going to stop you, Willie. If they can hear me, I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry. That's okay. We still like you, Link.
Starting point is 00:55:30 That's the last thing you hear is the door slam shut, sealing you inside alone in this little cell. Whoops. What does other people want to do now? We can jump to Taylor in your search for Vincent Spellfeather. Okay.
Starting point is 00:55:47 Taylor is now searching the halls, and I think he's going to arrive at the door of Vincent Spellfeather. Uh-huh. And I'm going to go, time to prep my ribs. The door opens, and you see a man covered in piss, and he says, Vincent Spellfeather here. Did you bring my pizza? Vincent Spellfeather, I got something even better for you, my man.
Starting point is 00:56:11 How would you like piss magic to be real? What? It's already real in my head in this room for me. How would you like to deploy piss magic in a real way? Oh, well, I suppose that would be- Against your enemies. Against the ultimate test. How would you like to kill God with piss? Oh, go ahead and roll persuasion. It's got to be pretty persuasive,
Starting point is 00:56:31 a fucking wizard hungry for power. And you also have inspiration from that funny thing you said earlier. So if you want to use it here, 15 plus two, 17. Okay. So with the 17, he's going to go, you can promise me a piss fight. That's right, Vince. That's what I've wanted out of heaven all along. I've been in here just doing simulated piss fights if my piss magic actually worked out, but it never did. You're telling me there's a way to make it work for real? I knew there was. I knew that I was just a few millimeters away
Starting point is 00:56:55 from finally cracking the code on my urinomancy. And that's why I'm here. Here at heaven, I'm part of a special division of ages. We keep an eye on every magical denizen within our walls, and we've noticed the accomplishments that you've been making in piss magic, and we'd like to offer you the opportunity to deploy your patented, pending form of piss magic in the ultimate test. More fluids on him.
Starting point is 00:57:17 Yeah, absolutely. What do I do? Now, and I pull Vincent in a little close on it. Now, Vince, there is a catch. You will need to change your name. Why? You are so close to unlocking the true power of Euromancy. But the fact is, it requires the caster to have a certain name.
Starting point is 00:57:39 You see, these old names have power. Like the old name. We are in the Abrahamic religion after all. And the names have power in this sort of belief system, I think. What you had wrong. Here's the thing, my man. You were on the right track the whole time. But what you never considered was that your name was Vincent.
Starting point is 00:57:59 What was it again? Spellfeather. Spellfeather. But in order for piss magic to work, you need a piss-centric name. Something like Willie, perhaps. Willie does mean penis. Yes. And your last name needs to be Stampler
Starting point is 00:58:15 for reasons I can't get into. Roll deception. I'm going to use my advantage. Okay. And with that advantage, I get a 12 plus 12, 24. So he goes, you know what? You have the smell of you of somebody who understands piss better than most. Does your school have a urology department?
Starting point is 00:58:31 Oh, let me tell you something. I happen to be an expert on everything piss related. Yes. The answer is yes. That is what everyone studies. That is the main class, in fact. You know what, my friend? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:43 You've got a deal. All right. He whips out a pen. You're going to need to change, my friend? Yeah. You've got a deal. All right! He whips out a pen. You're going to need to change your name using these forms. Not a problem at all. Not a problem at all. And sign here. Cross out his name.
Starting point is 00:58:52 Sign, sign, sign. An initial here. Initial here. And another one on this page. W-S. It's a shame his last name isn't Kampler or something, because it'd be W-C, like water closet. That'd be extra fun for me, but it's fine.
Starting point is 00:59:03 It's fine. W-S, W-S. Willie Stemper. Call me, but it's fine. It's fine. WS, WS, Willie Stampler. Call me Willie. Call me William. Willie, Willie. Willie? Yeah, of course. William is not a slang for a penis. Willie! Willie I am. Willie Stampler. Willie Stampler, that's me. What do we do now? Pleased to meet you.
Starting point is 00:59:18 Pleased to meet you. What is your name again? I'm Taylor Swift. The musician No Fair enough The piss genius Alright so what do we do now
Starting point is 00:59:32 Now that his name is Willie Sample Dude listens to Willie Sample right Yeah You're gonna need to say this magic spell To kinda get things going And then I hand him a piece of paper And the paper is written in quotes And then written in like a really like
Starting point is 00:59:44 Fancy schmancy Like medieval font by my own hand. What I think is a fancy schmancy medieval font. It says, dude, kill the Willie Stampler closest to you. Uh, I just say, I'm a little nervous that you just made me change my name to Willie Stampler. And then you're having me hold this piece of paper that says to kill Willie Stampler. Does she know who the other Willie Stampler is? No. So as far as she's concerned,
Starting point is 01:00:09 you just hand him a piece of paper that says kill your own name. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me, let me, hold on. Give me that piece. Oh my God, I gave you the wrong one. I gave you the wrong one.
Starting point is 01:00:19 That's what you get when you don't have a good filing system in place. Hey, let me just take that i erased it really quick i say dude oh fuck i could say anything here there's how i'm cool with it sound like just doing a different language he doesn't know what he's saying here we go words are still kill the willy yeah let me just fix that it says kill the willy stampler you're closest to and then there's a parenthetical now not me the one who's saying this right now not this willie stampler i'm just gonna need you to say that get a little uh get a little voice print from you just uh this
Starting point is 01:00:50 is the uh main activation phrase go ahead and just uh let's just go okay cute willie stampler willie stampler closest to you not me the one saying this right now so that's what it'll be like when we do that well oh, oh yeah. Fantastic! You with your new piss-soaked friend in hand. Well, now let me ask you a question. Dude, being in the Elder Tor, can't hear us, huh? No, he can't hear you. Okay, okay. So I think with that, you've met a new friend.
Starting point is 01:01:14 Your plan is going into a pretty good space. And I'm going to talk to him, and I'm going to reserve the right, as we walk to the throne of heaven, I'm going to reserve the right to come back here to a flashback to instruct him in a very specific way before the fight. I'm going to reserve the right to come back here to a flashback to instruct him in a very specific way before the fight. I'm going to say no.
Starting point is 01:01:30 I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this. Hey, listen, man. Your piss magic, here's what you're going to do. We're going to go to the throne of heaven. You're going to have a showdown, okay? We're going to show everyone
Starting point is 01:01:39 how fucking great this piss magic is. But listen to me, all right? You're going to open with it. Then you're going to say this phrase, okay? Okay, cool. Sounds good to me, all right? You're gonna open with it. Then you're gonna say this phrase, okay? Okay. Cool. Sounds good to me. My man!
Starting point is 01:01:48 My man! Normal. My dog! Normal is at a loss for what to do. He's once again alone. He's alone in a vast ocean of paperwork. He failed trying to save his friend. Taylor seems to have the piss man thing
Starting point is 01:02:01 pretty well under lock. And so Normal's trying to think of what he can bring to the situation. You don't know that he did that, by the way. I just want don't just think he ran away and then normal realizes that he saw he was surprised to see that cassandra was outside right and then he remembered that willie seems like kind of like maybe low key, like a little bit like he doesn't take women seriously or like as a threat or low key. Normal's kind of clocking those vibes and it makes him think that maybe there's a chance that he hasn't rounded up Mercedes O. Garcia, his mom, who's canonically dead and probably made it to heaven. probably made it to heaven. So Normal knows that his grandmother is a powerful geocrystal magician and wants to see if he can find her in heaven. How would I go about doing that to see if I can bring a powerful geocrystal witch to our side? Well, if you had access to the dolphins,
Starting point is 01:02:57 that would be pretty easy. They could find it for you without them. But I do have the locate creature spell and I do know my grandmother. Yes, you definitely do. So I'm going to cast Locate Creature. Cool. You know exactly where she is in the Labyrinth of Heaven rooms. Okay, I am going to try to make my dangerous way there to let the Hulk out of the cage, so to speak. Cool.
Starting point is 01:03:15 Give me a stealth roll. Okay. Oh, I got a 19. Great. So you managed to stealthily infiltrate the Labyrinth of Doors, and you find... She's next to the piss wizard. Oh, my man! What have you got?
Starting point is 01:03:27 My man! So you find a door that says Mercedes-Benz Garcia. Abuelita. I knock on the door. The door opens. She sloughs off some spaghetti and goes, normal! And she wraps you in a big old bear hug.
Starting point is 01:03:39 And she goes, it's been so long. Grandma, it's so nice. You die. Did you die? No, we didn't die. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. It's really nice to see you. It's good to see you. Grandma, it's so nice. You died. Did you die? No, I didn't die. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. It's really nice to see you.
Starting point is 01:03:46 It's good to see you. I take a big marinara hug from her, and then I peel myself off and wipe the marinara from my surface. Grandma, do you know what's going on up here? No. I mean, the marinara thing. Look, you won't understand it when you try. I'm not going to judge about the thing.
Starting point is 01:04:02 It seems weird, but I know it actually is great. It's okay. It's okay, but Grandma, no. Willie Stampler took over heaven. She takes out a gun. Whoa. She goes, point me in the right direction. I point her in the right.
Starting point is 01:04:12 He's that way. Follow me. She goes, whoa, you got a deep voice on you now. I just don't realize. Sorry, I got some marinara in there. Okay, there's normal. So we're going to sneak off through the labyrinth once again. Do we run into each other on the way over?
Starting point is 01:04:24 Yes. Do we have a comical scene? Here's what we'll do. Do we run into each other on the way over? Yes. Do we have a comical scene? Here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. You roll a d20. I roll a d20. If it's the same number, we run into each other. Okay.
Starting point is 01:04:33 I think if it's also not the same number, you run into each other. All right. Well, ready? Three, two, one, roll. I got a natural 20. I got an eight. Weird. You run into each other.
Starting point is 01:04:43 You're both evens. Yeah. They're both perfectly divisible by four, which means that you're around a corner and you slam into each other. Whoa! My lady. Ew. This is Willie Stampler.
Starting point is 01:04:58 Shoots him. No! Dead in the fucking face. She goes, Shit goes! No! Shit goes! All our days whisked away But is there something more to say You know that no one knows us better than ourselves
Starting point is 01:05:18 You should tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies let me sleep at night I know that no one knows us better than ourselves You should tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies let me sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive
Starting point is 01:05:47 We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow.
Starting point is 01:06:11 I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is made by Lawrence Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burgess, our DM World Campus is Normal Oak, Thank you. provides additional editing and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This podcast is supported by Patreon, people like Michael Crabtree, Luke Cavendish, SJB, Conrad760, KHB, Raph Jansen, Emily Doyle, Ireland Eversoul, Killum Noble, Emily Lickenbrock, David Murray, Charlie Lamphere, SA Jalise, Samantha Landeros,
Starting point is 01:06:57 Dragon Rider, Rami Brett, Sam Skulls, Dynart, Chris Greenan, and Scott Liddell. While our shop is down, we still have digital downloads of our prior one-shots and albums. Season 1, we had Henry Oak recording Rock's Rock, downloads of our prior one shots and albums. Season one, we had Henry Oak recording rocks, rock and edutainment rap album. And season two is scary.
Starting point is 01:07:09 Marla recording her EP sophomore slump by her band, butthole ricochet, an album that expresses her inner teen angst. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of pitchfork was that the hallowed music review institution sloughed the moral coil before being able to review these two niche improv D and D comedy joke albums. You can judge these mighty works yourself by going to the patreon at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and clicking on the shop
Starting point is 01:07:29 tab there you will find our albums as well as our one shot miniseries where the cast really cuts loose it's all 750 or you can spend five bucks and just try out the patreon for a month you get access to everything that you see there as well as a whole lot more that is at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads check out our sick website dungeonsanddags.com our next episode next episode is February 13th, Valentine's Day Eve, so we'll see you then. today we live for tomorrow fake steel and bottle brave why we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way dungeons of daddies.com Is that even our website? Yeah, it is.
Starting point is 01:08:28 That's our website. How do you not know our website? I don't know. I don't go to it that often. Wait, can the angel go in? I go to it all the time. I check dungeonsanddaddies.com every day. Every single day.
Starting point is 01:08:35 I set dungeonsanddaddies.com to be my homepage. Why can't I email from beth at dungeonsanddaddies.com? Do you want an email? Yeah. You sure? No. That's what I thought.

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