Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 51 - Cool Hand Linc

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Taylor's incredibly well laid plan is ruined! What now!?This episode contains Violence, Sexual Content, and Profanity.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Larry the Science Kid Billionaires are great for the economy Larry the Science Kid Larry, Larry, Larry The honey badger drinks when he wants Larry the Science Kid What's in a name? In ancient Egypt, they believed that knowing the name of someone gave you power over them. Last time, we made the clutch move

to run a little experiment to put that concept to the test. We took a simple piss wizard, changed his name to Willie Stampler, and the results were mind blowing. Ha ha ha, literally. Woo hoo. welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast a dungeons and dragons podcast you moron what do you think you're doing yeah that's a little hard out the gate sometimes i feel a spicy guys oh sorry he's just feeling spicy so he can say mean things watch out he's feeling spicy he's really weaponizing that therapy language is spicy therapy language now i saw i saw a tiktok ad

almost threw my phone across the room because it said oh my god neuro spicy are you feeling is your brain feeling a little spicy as like their way of describing like, hey, you might be, uh... You might be, uh... Is he, you know... This is a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. It's a spicy Dungeons & Dragons podcast. That's what it is.

That's what we are. We're a spicy Dungeons & Dragons. Spicy brains are here to play Dungeons & Dragons. Four spicy brains and Freddy are here. As best we can. This is a story of four teens from our world who are from our world originally. Hey guys, if this podcast was a spice,

it'd be cumin. Like cumin. Do you know what I mean? Okay. Cumin, but it's C-U-M-I-N. Cumin does sound like human and cum. Yeah. It's funny, I guess.

Okay. Shaking the rust off. Yeah. Gotta shake loose. Gotta... Go ahead, Freddie. Stick and move. Stick and move.

Fourteens from our world who need to fix our world after all their grandparents jacked it up. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift. The... It's been a bit.

I need to look at my character sheet. The tiefling rogue. Once former ranger, now roguish in his complexion and sensibilities. His complexion. What's wrong with that? What is a roguish complexion? Careful.

It's just, it's like one eyebrow is permanently like, yeah. You know? Oh, he's got DreamWorks face. DreamWorks face. You know the whole time Taylor's had DreamWorks face? And a pork pie hat, Will. Get it right. I've never heard the term DreamWorks face. That's really good.

I love it and I hate it so much. That's perfect. Taylor's teen fact for this week, I'm going to do one more real life thing, which is probably the biggest difference between the Taylor Swift we all know and love and the Taylor Swift the musical world all knows and loves, is that I'm not sick of hearing about our Taylor Swift.

Our Taylor Swift would never hop on a plane back from Japan. I don't care if it's the Super Bowl. He's in Japan, baby. It's Anime Central. He's not coming back here for nothing, no matter who he's going out with, no matter how important a big game is. Taylor's staying there right in Akihabara and hitting up all the maid cafes and an occasional cat cafe.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. Hi, Matthew Arnold. Hi. I play Lincoln Lee Wilson Oaks Garcia Malo Swift. Malo? Love it. The little guy from Super Mario RPG.

Yes. What? That's what I was thinking. I just beat that game a bit ago. Anyways, really quick. I want to get into the game, especially since I'm just stuck in a room and I don't have anything to do in this episode. Quick fact about Lincoln. He only has one poster on his wall that is not a soccer poster or one thing hung up on his wall.

It's not a soccer poster. And it is his graduation certificate from his school, which is just he won best son and best student award from the two principals. They're both principals of the school. They share principals, yes. Co-principals. One of them is the Dean of Discipline and the other one is the Dean of Academics. Co-principal sounds like a scientific theory. I think that means you've got to introduce yourself next.

I think Larry just snuck his way up the order. How did that happen? What a boss clutch move, right? Fine. Okay, hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, who's currently playing Larry the Science Kid. Yeah. Go, Larry.

That's what the kids say every time he shows up in school. Can I catch a ride with you later, Larry? Larry doesn't go to school. He already knows all of it. Why would he go to school? He just sits outside. Larry's got some pretty fucked up opinions on the public education system. Larry's just got to be on his phone scrolling through.

He doesn't have time for school. Okay, but scary. Larry's like charter schools gives parents choice. Fun fact about scary today, because it's raining, scary doesn't use an umbrella ever. Checks out. Yeah, she doesn't. Does she deflect her face up a little bit so whatever mascara gets that gothy smear going on? Do you know what I mean?

Sure will. Come in and do my fact better than me. My first day back at work with the boys okay will introduce yourself it's time for will campos to say hello hi everyone i'm will campos i play normally oak swallows garcia malo mario master chief uh fun fact about normal i can't imagine your last name was Mario Master Chief when you went to school. God, all bitches.

All the fucking bitches, dog. Freddie Wong, present. Matthew Arnold, present. Will Master Chief Mario? Fun fact about normal this week is that the Oak Garcia family, four generations now, starting with Henry, is the one thing they can all agree on

is that they're a 60 frames a second smooth motion TV family. Yes, dog! Fucking Oaks Craig that shit. True motion, dog! True motion all the way. It looks more like real life. Yes, dog, give me that dynamic HDR, dog. The white point is setting

based on the ambient light of the room, dude! Add fucking 400 milliseconds of processing time to the goddamn image! I mean, Henry and the gang, they don't know any of that. They just are like, it looks kind of fun that way. It looks kind of smooth. They watch a lot of nature docs, too. They watch a lot of nature. Nature docs, you know, whenever the occasional sports game comes on,

but mostly they love really old, classic movies, like Charlielie chaplin movies cranked up to 120 frames a second and then normal's posts on social media like on pinterest his favorite media platform whenever it's like thanksgiving he posts a tip that's like hey guys like here's your tip if you're going over your friend's house like here's how you change their tv settings to crank the smooth motion all the way up so it looks even better though movies looking a little choppy follow these tips this thing did you know they used to shoot movies only 24 frames a second thanks to interpolative technology you can watch it as any frames you want oh that's so sick i kind of get it it's like you know we used to have horses carrying us around and now we've got you know a lot of horsepower So why not kick it up?

That's true. Okay, Mr. Beast. Okay, if he did a video that was a 200 horsepower car versus a 200 horse power car. He probably has. He probably has done that video while saving like 100 puppies. There's probably seven seconds in one video. The horses are all powered by Mr. Beast's chocolate. By Mr. Beast's horse.

200 horsepower car or carried by 200 orphaned horses that I will pay for afterwards. Oh no, I'm such a good little boy. Buy my chocolate bars. All right. It's like he's here. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad.

Hi, dad. Hey, dad. Only Will cares about saying hi to his dad after all this time, huh? Okay. Can't say anything. Fucking, okay. In a room. Hi. Hi. Hi, dad. dad only will cares about seeing saying hi to his dad after all this time huh okay can't say anything fucking okay hi hi dad so porn update yeah that's why we didn't say hi dad because we knew you were gonna talk about your porn dad yeah that's fair um dad embarrasses us with his porn

update your mom found it mom's in it uh they're gonna to start shooting in March. So we've got a date. How long are they going to do? Yeah, they're going to be shooting. They're going to do pickups. They're going to be shooting. The fun thing is that I sent off a script and they sent the script back. And the whole premise of this story is

a guy is playing Street Fighter against somebody and then he gets teabagged over and over again. He's like, I'm going to track this guy down and teabag him for real in real life. And then they do and they start having sex and then brilliant brilliant in the script i was like well surely whatever video game they play is going to be like off screen you're going to hear sounds like like you're not going to spend any money to actually put video games on screen because that's insane and they're like no we have a 2d animation guy

we're going to like try and animate a little fight scene for the teabag stuff. And I was like, oh, that's so cool. And then they didn't tell me this, but I looked through the script and there was a description of like, here's what the 2D fighting game should look like. One of these characters should look like this guy, and it was a fan art picture of Willie Stampler. And instead of the other one, she looked like this guy, and it was a picture of me.

What? So apparently when this comes out, there's a not insignificant chance that I will be getting virtually teabagged in a porno. By Willie Stampler. By Willie Stampler in a porno that I wrote. So keep an eye out for that. Do they know that you're Willie Stampler or do they just happen to find?

No, they know. I think they're fans of the show. This is sayuncle.com, by the way. That was my promise that I should talk about the website. It will be on. Real quick, Anthony, you and me, just man to man real quick. Anthony, do you agree there's some heights that writers have never reached and you're sitting atop that?

Oh, yeah. No. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Do you think Shakespeare was like, yes, verily, I got teabagged in this play? Like, fuck no, dude. And can I ask you, how does it feel? What is the view like from up there?

I mean, if it comes out and I'm in there, it's going to be so good. Are they inviting you to set? They offered that. And I said, absolutely not. Let me see this. It'll say it comes out. It'll come out. It'll come out. It's a hit.

Anthony Birch, your website. You have a website for your professional sort of stuff. Anthony Birch shot pizza, by the way. I know this. I'm just looking at it right now. It says stuff I've worked on. The first thing I see appears to be God of War. You can replace that top image.

Oh yeah I might as well. Like a money shot. I don't know if I'll do the top image but it'll be hidden in there in the somewhere in the middle of that

page. Ah very good. That is the promise I make to you. Just making a picture of the video game. Oh that's a good idea.

Yeah. With a little nothing. Never mind. What Beth? What was your dirty mind? With a little

cum stain on the screen. Thank you. I just wanted to know what you were thinking. So when we last left you, a couple things had happened. One, Link had gotten thrown into one of the private rooms that Willie has been trying to sequester away people

that are too powerful to fight. He went to horny jail. I thought the word was like a prison. Private room sounds weird. Yeah, private room sounds like it's a strip club. You know what I mean? Prison. He threw them into heaven prison.

But not with the other people who are in prison. No, he's alone in his own cell. Solitary confinement. Matt. Uh-huh. Is this a what dreams may come scenario where you're prisoned in heaven? Is this whole universe unto itself, dog? Dude, what dreams may come would be a great name for a porno.

No, there is a porno. It's called What Dreams May Come. That's great. That's really good. Can I ever tell you the best porno title? What, should you do an Apocalypse Now porno and you call it A Cock of My Lips Now? It's still a war movie.

Yeah, it's still a war movie. Mahalo. That smell. it's still a war movie yeah it's still a war movie that smell that smells like victory um what the fuck are we talking about okay yes link got thrown into heaven prison there's the same sort of prison that willie was in so it's like yes it is a demi-plane okay lar, the science kid, is still by Willie's side. And Normal and Taylor went to basically enact two parts of a two-pronged plan. One of which was to get Mercedes O. Garcia to come and help them because Willie, in his sexism, did not realize that Mercedes and the other moms might be a threat. And the other part of which was to get a person named Vincent Spellfeather to change his

name to willie stampler so that he could be the one to take control of the doodler upon hearing that this person's name was willie stampler mercedes then shot him in the head and killed him so what do we think happens next a group of friends okay so i think i think we i think we pick up that scene let's play that scene right now. What the fuck are you doing? Willie Stampler. Good work. You can't normal didn't know the plan. This plane was all it's like,

holy shit. Grandma, you just took out Willie Stampler. I guess he's in disguise or something. You see Taylor take off his pork pie hat and just kind of scratch his head a little bit and just sigh. And you know, the Pablo Escobar waiting meme where I'm like sitting Taylor in acts,

every one of those poses. And she like stands off to the side, hands behind his back, just kind of looking off in the distance. Taylor, Taylor, normal is tapping you on the shoulder. So he's dead now, right? So is he going to turn back into himself?

Is this like a spell? Like what's with... That really sucks, lady! What was that all about? This was my guy! This was the guy that we're pretending to be! Willie Stampley! This is going to be the move

that we really use to use his name because the name is on the... Mercedes goes, oh. Well, you should have said something other than, this is Willie Stampley. I mean, I... Bro, first of all... Hey, lady! Hey, hey, hey! You're blaming me for what you did?

Hey, that's my Appalita you're talking to, mister! So you just cool it, alright? There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on, Taylor, and I know you and me, we've had our frictions in the past. I'll fight your Appalita right here. I our frictions in the past i'll fight your abelita right here i'll fight you right now i'll fight your abelita whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and she puts a hand on both of your shoulders and she says lady she takes a hand away from your shoulder and she says let's just calm down let's talk this through what is going on right now okay so and then normal whispers in her ear so we can speed run through him

re-expositing the plot of the entire show and she goes oh that sounds fucked up but i mean like what are you trying to do this was my master plan because we knew that dude only reacts and obeys willie stampler and my plan was to find someone and then change their name to Willie Stampler and I'm due to obey this person. There'll be a duel of two gods controlling this demigod with the same name. Now it's ruined because you shot him in the head! I acknowledge that it was a mistake, but I

didn't know it was a mistake and so I choose to forgive myself for doing that. I think that's beautiful. That's okay. I forgive you too, Grandma. Taylor? No. Taylor, Grandma. Taylor? No. Taylor? No.

Taylor? No. Taylor? You were my player. She did shoot and ask questions later. That's a rough thing to forgive yourself. The question was answered and you're not in the scene, Link. You're an old car.

My Abilene is perfect. Your Abilene and I have beef. That's right, lady. You and me, we got beef now. What the fuck are we going to do? So as you're talking, you hear a... It's slowly getting louder and louder. And as you hear that noise get louder and louder,

you see the shadow of several angels flapping their eyelashes coming towards you. They haven't seen you yet, but they are coming towards you. Quick, get in this room. And Mercedes goes, oh shit. Yeah, they're coming for the body. First room, get in here.

We've opened the random door. Okay. And get inside to hide in someone's heaven. Yes. Okay. So you get inside. You know what? It's exactly like the wet dream.

We come heaven. It's like a really beautiful feel. Anthony, it is what dreams make up. You did say wet dreams. Did I say wet dreams? You did say wet dreams. Okay. I said what I said then, I guess.

You walk into a horrible, horrible, horrible orgy, and immediately Mercedes goes, no, and covers both of your eyes with her hands. What's going on? I didn't see anything. Don't listen, don't smell, hold your breath. Someone hit the lights in here. Don't smell.

Hold your breath. Normal plugs his ears and his nose at the same time. So she opens the door, cracks, so you can see what's going on, and you can see the angels fly down, grab the body and then begin to drag it away. And Mercedes goes, that's what they do to anybody who dies in heaven.

They get taken to the timeout zone. Angels couldn't drag me away. It wasn't funny, but it was stuck in my head. It was like a song that played at the same time. Someone's ringtone or something. I don't, what did you say lady?

Did her bell just go off or did I just lose my mind? No, Matt did something. You smell toast. So she says that's what happens when somebody gets killed up in heaven is they just go in the timeout chamber

and then they come back eventually. That's where a lot of... And they play wild, wild angels. Couldn't drag me away. Timeout chamber. What's a timeout? It's like a hyperbaric chamber. It's like a demiplane.

There's demiplanes. There's a plane called the time out chamber where time moves differently as gravity. What's gravity like in this time out chamber? This hyperbaric chamber, this training chamber. I don't know if time moves differently there. I just know it's a demiplane on the other side of the paperwork's ocean where a lot of, whenever somebody needs time out because they're dead or because they've done something wrong and they need to think about it, that's generally

what a demiplane is. So it's like purgatory. I remember learning about that when I played that video game about the levels of hell and heaven. They made a sequel called Dante's Purgatory. I think. Man, it's just, it's just, it's been so long since I've seen you, Grandma.

I'm just, I'm just so emotional. I don't know what's going on. Can you guys just go grab another person? Just go grab another person. We could just do this again. Is there anyone in this room, lady? She turns and another piece of paper. We couldn't just do this again. Is there anyone in this room, lady? She turns and she goes, there's a lot of people in this room.

We need the paper. Excuse me, is anyone here named Willie Stampler? Okay, I guess not. All the Willie Stamplers were killed. Yes. He went King Harry on the Willie Stamplers. No, it's going to be impossible because then we've got to go all the way back to the ocean. We've got to find another piece of paper.

Then we've got to go do this whole thing again. Also, where are your friends? Where's Link? Where's Scary? That's a good idea. Where are they? I don't know where Link is. I don't know where Scary is. All I know is it's up to me, you, and my abuelita to save the world right now. So you better forgive her. I'm just saying, there might

be one more of your clan that we can invoke here. Do you have a phone? I got a phone. Does this dial? Taylor gropes for like a phone in this orgy room. There's a phone in here. Do not start reaching around. Do not start. Keep your hands where they are.

I want a phone. Mercedes reaches into her coat pocket, brings out a phone, and hands it to you. Slow down, lady. You just said you want a phone and then you got a phone? Yeah, I'm in a heaven.

So if I'm in a personal heaven, you sort of get whatever you want. Pause, everyone. Real quick. Player huddle really quick. Okay, what? Guys. a heaven so if i'm in a personal heaven you sort of get whatever you want pause everyone real quick uh player huddle really quick okay what guys like what do we want we're in heaven then we get whatever we want just give us you just get a willie stampler i did specifically say while you're in a personal heaven yeah yeah we are oh like so once you leave that heaven like it disappears oh but wait a second if we could could get Willy into one of these heavens. Is it Willy in his own personal heaven right now

though if you think about it? No, he came out of it. He's in real heaven. Interesting. Many layers of metacognition here. Yes, I'd like to dial an outside line. Okay, here we go. Press 9. 9. Okay. And then I dial Hero Oak's number by memory

because Taylor doesn's memorized it. So she can tell even before, just from the sound of your inward breath on the other end of the phone, she can tell she's going, Taylor, what is it? What's her caller ID say? Hey, real quick, what's your caller ID say? I'm just curious. Oh, it says Heaven. Wow. Well,

it looks like my reputation... I'm going to call ID to Heaven? This is the worst Riz I've ever seen. Looks like my reputation precedes me, hero. What are you up to today? What are you doing? I was going to go to a track meet. Track meet? Yeah, I have a track meet today. Were you competing

or something? Yeah. No, I'm not just going to watch. What are you doing? Hero, it's time to do your sister. He comes like, let me fucking cook, bitch. Just me and the guys are just hanging out. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. I don't know, save the world or anything like that. Save the world?

No, I don't feel like doing that. The two things I don't like doing as established is hanging out with you and saving the world. So no, I think I'm pretty good going to my track meet. Who are y'all playing against? Chaparral. Oh, the big one. Taylor, ask her, like, isn't the world all fucked up down there? Are there angels running around?

What's going on? They're still doing track meets when all the world's all crazy and jacked up down there. I mean, there was, like, things falling through the sky, and, like, they took some people, and then, but now they're gone. It seems okay now. A fifth grader named Willie Stampler just exploded. Yeah, so, yeah. A couple of fifth graders disappeared.

Taylor, like, what are Taylor, what are you doing? Trying to recruit your cool sense. Hero, come help us. It's normal. We're stuck in heaven. We need your help. Everything's going bad up here.

I get role persuasion. Why didn't I get a single persuasion? I don't know. Who can say? That is a 24. Jesus. Is there something specific

you say that makes you go like, oh, this is for real shit? You said, if I needed help, you'd come. And I need help. We need help. This is the big Willie Stamplers in charge of heaven. I'm up here with grandma.

We're all on our own. I'm scared. And I could use a hand, too. Hero, look, like, this is the moment, OK? I know that you've had this whole destiny that you wanted to shirk off. But, like, if there's ever a chosen one moment, this is it. And I know I'm not it. I'm the whole stupid reason we're in this freaking mess. I'm the whole reason he's up here.

So it's got to be you, right? Like, you're the chosen one. And please, I need your help. I can't do this on my own. We can't do this without you. And also, I just want to know, I could also be the chosen one, too. And you may be a compatriot, a chosen compatriot. But we're not.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. So here it goes. You know what? I think you got a point. I've been promised, and it's time to come and collect. It's time for the chickens to come home to the roost. It's time for Hero to go Hero time. It's time for...

And then you hear a smash on the other end of the phone. And she goes, oh, shit. And you hear the wet flapping of eyelids going faster and faster and faster. And she goes, they're coming. Shit, they're coming. Normal, Normal, it's on you now. Shit, shit. I'm so sorry, Normal.

It's got to be you. Wild, wild angels. Hey, Normal, can I have some things to say to the hero? Can I get the phone back? I shove the phone into your chest. Anyway, whatever that was all about. But anyway, if you want to come back. The call you answered.

I can't even remember what those things say anymore. It's been so long. That was like an AI reimagining of that from like the depths of your subconscious. Yeah. That's weird. Okay, well, that's one option gone because I inspired her to self-actualize, I guess, and then that, you know, kind of proved that she was a threat to Willy,

I guess must be what happened there. All right. Okay. Well, she's coming though, right? First things first, Mercedes says, why don't we take a deep breath? What do we have in terms of allies? What friends do we have up here

that we can maybe combine forces with? Because the three of us, I mean, I- Do I get to exhale my breath yet? Yes, sorry, exhale. Yes, exhale yes exhale please so uh right i breathe on my own terms lady anyway continue okay so right now it's me and taylor and link is somewhere and scary somewhere and i guess hero's on her way to heaven if we can figure out which angel is taking her excellent excellent the secondary plan is working so far so good. Do we want to take this opportunity to maybe cut to Larry and Willie? Yeah, you cut to Larry and Willie.

You hear the sounds of outrageous laughter. You can ask Cheeseburger, my dude. Oh, no. Dude, check out this one. It's so good. It says, think twice, and it's a picture of a cat. It's a picture of a cat, and it says, bro, I didn't even think once. That's pretty fucking good.

Oh, shit, that's good. Is this what I've been missing? Oh, man. Oh, man. Yeah, there are many scientific principles that you've been missing out on by not going to icannhascheeseburger.com. Oh, man, and in heaven, it's still active. Oh, I hate the Brady team.

They have all the websites. I hate the Brady team. I think it's still active in real life here too, baby. Well, in heaven they also have pets.com and all the other fun websites for my youth. Man, they named this cat after the Pringles guy because it's got a little mustache. She's still up for adoption. I would never adopt that cat.

So as you two are looking at cool dang memes on ICanAskCheeseburger.com an angel floats up to Willie and blinks once. And he goes, oh, you did. You got her. Great. And he blinks again. He goes, so that's basically everybody?

Everybody that could possibly fuck with me is now dealt with. Well, that's boring. Now I'm bored. Oh, I'm so sorry you're bored, man. Let me try to pull up another meme. Or we could talk scientific principles. Let's see. Some examples include the laws of thermodynamics,

the theory of evolution, obviously. Larry, for the last time, I don't want to hear about the laws of thermodynamics. I appreciate. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that you're around with me. I love that you're by my side, that you really get me in a way that i don't think a lot of people do but you gotta fucking can it on the science stuff it's not cool nobody gives a shit about

science yeah cool yeah of course yeah so actually here's a thought yeah what's up thermodynamics says energy can't be created or destroyed, right? Yes. That's exactly what it says. So what if... You really get it, man. Yeah, no, I'm fucking smart as shit. So what if, and I'm just spitballing here, what if we could break that rule?

What if we just started destroying stuff just to sort of see what would happen? That could be fun. You ever like stomp ants when you were a kid or like, you know, with magnifying glass, like set ants on fire or just stomp a roach and see the pfft that it makes when you step on it? So you're talking about like killing small

animals as a child? Yeah. Like, I mean, everybody, it's like a thing. It's a phase you go through. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, a phase, more like a lifestyle. Okay, sure, yeah. I mean, yeah yeah i still squash bugs and shit yeah yeah um so it'd be cool if we had like a giant ice cube that we could destroy or something that'd be so gnarly my man well i'm thinking like earth like the realm that we all came from like because it's it's just a bunch of assholes like everybody there fucking sucks everybody's just so so fucking stupid and so

hypocritical and so selfish and just just mean and shit and like what if we um what if we just like ended that because i'm also getting a lot of like and then another angel comes up holding a bunch of paperwork in its eyelashes and he goes and they keep fucking bugging me about letting people into heaven and like people keep dying and coming to heaven. And that just seems like a fucking pain in the ass. So like, what if no more people come into heaven

because no more people, you know what? I think you convinced me with the thermodynamics thing. I think that's a good idea. You're a really smart kid, Larry. I am. Yeah.

Okay. With that in mind, angels, I guess, just go nuts? Get rowdy? Well, I think we should start with the theorem of arms icy, you know? What's arms icy?

I'm scary as an anagram, bitch. Oh, no! Circle of death. A sphere of negative energy ripples out in a 60-foot sphere within range. Each creature in that area must take a constitution saving throw. A target takes 8d6 necrotic damage on a failed save. Constitution 15. 15?

Yeah. Dude's within that circle, too. Fuck me. And I'm alone. Why did I do this? You got a failed save. Constitution 15. 15? Yeah. Dude's within that circle, too. Fuck me. And I'm alone. Why did I do this? You got a natural one. Yes! What about dude? So dude is going to get a nine.

So both of them fail. What about scary? Well, scary's not in the sphere, presumably. Unless you put it on yourself, too. That would be wild. I don't think I do. Yeah. But I'm aiming for the angels as well.

Ooh. Okay. So maybe I do have to be in it. Let's say that you're surrounded by eight angels and that Willy is next to three of them. So if they fail, they will just get blipped out of existence by the circle of death.

So that's a fail. It's another fail. And the succeed. Now there are six angels remaining nearby. Because I'm casting this at the seventh level, the damage increases by 2d6 for each slot level above the six. So how many d6s is that altogether? 10d6.

So 38. So the circle of death envelops Willy, and he screams out in pain, the first time you've ever heard him express any sort of pain. Unfortunately, the same thing happens to the doodler, and the dude does sound pretty in not a good way. Roll separately for the doodler. Fuck, 41.

Ooh. Why did I do this? I'm such a silly girl. So the doodler doubles over in pain, touching their chest, and Willie does the same, and he looks at you with clear eyes for the first time, seeing not Larry the Science Kid, but Scary Marlow.

No affiliation to science whatsoever. Yeah, I don't even know a jack shit about science. The only chemical I know is my chemical romance. That's a joke by Will Campos. So he looks at you, and after a brief flicker of the most rage you've ever seen on a human face he starts smiling and he goes like you got me i know you got me i got you i could have cheeseburger my man fuck you yeah all right so let's roll initiative real quick. Oh, shit. What did you think was going to happen?

I don't know. I just did, oh, no, I got a natural 20. That's good. That's good. That means I have to decide what to do. You run. Yeah, is there running in D&D like in other RPGs? Can you run from a fight?

Yeah, you can dash. Yeah, you can disengage and run away. How do you do that? I've also used up all my spell slots. Yeah, so run. Yeah, okay. Well, we don't know. He might roll higher than a 20.

No, he did not. He got a six. So you get to go first. I'm gonna bail. What are my options for escaping this hell heaven we're in? So you can disengage as an action, which allows you to not get opportunity attacks as you run away, but it means you only get to move your normal running speed. Or you can dash as an action, which means you get to run double your running speed, but you do take get opportunity attacks as you run away, but it means you only get to move your normal running speed, or you can dash

as an action, which means you get to run double your running speed, but you do take an opportunity attack. I'm going to dash. Okay, so he's going to try to attack you as you bounce. Dude, yeah, fucking kite him to us. Yeah, this is great. Exactly. Run him to Mercedes. Okay, so he's going to... The warrior. Try to cantrip you with a

firebolt. My own spell against me. So that's a 28 to hit. Oh, shit. And it's going to do 4d10 damage to you. Okay. So it's going to be 9 damage to you. Oh, shitty roll.

Yeah, pretty shitty roll. He throws a firebolt at you and he goes, scary! It kind of just singes your shoulder as you run, but it doesn't stop your gait at all and you manage to run with some speed. You had like some cheap shitty jeans, but now they're all like scuffed up and burned

and look like designer jeans that are purposely scuffed up and burned. Nice. Pretty cool. Do they sell burned jeans now? They do, yeah, dog. I don't... That's cool.

Man, I got such a deal on these burned jeans. That's a new thing. So what direction are you... I'm going to tell her they're burned. What direction are you running? Are you running towards the personal heavens or are you running towards the ocean of paperwork? The personal heavens.

Yeah, that's where they are. Okay. You wouldn't know that, but it's okay. I know, but yeah. Okay, so Willie is going to take his- In theory, more places to hide there. Yes. Yes.

Not that I would ever hide, but just in case. I would only run away. So Willie is going to take his turn at the same time as the angels, and he's going to say, get after her, get her in case. I would only run away. So Willie is going to take his turn at the same time as the angels, and he's going to say, get after her! Get her! Please! Please! Please! What did you do to me?

So the angels are going to descend on you, and they are going to spend their turns dashing to you, but they're not fast enough to catch you. You ran like 60 feet, and then they ran 60 feet, and they're right behind you, but they don't have an action anymore to do anything to you. That's right. I spent my teenage years going to an X-rated Sonic drive-thru, so I'm really

fast. I gotta go fast! Well, he goes, dude, stop her! And dude goes, oh, it hurts. It hurts real bad. And Willie's like, for fuck's sake, stop! Somebody stop her! And he points at his angels, and he sends them after you, and so they dash towards you, and they're right on your tail,

all six of them, but they are not close enough to do anything. Scary running in heaven with like six angels behind her is a pretty cool album cover for her next album. Wild angels, yeah. If you called wild angels,

couldn't drag me away. He's going to cast Wall of Fire. Uh-oh. Fucking warlock on warlock over here. Hot warlock on warlock action. Yeah. So he makes the wall 60 feet long, 20 feet high, and it's 120 feet away from him,

and you ran 60 feet. It does feel like... A Jez Ball situation? Anthony should have to... It does feel like... Play America's favorite national pastime. No, because he'll be good at it. Oh, it took me to Jezebel.

Oh, sad it's not there anymore. Now you just have to learn something, Anthony. Arcade. Alright. He should get enough to be either six angels and a scary. That's at least seven balls. That's seven. You gotta get to seven. You want me to get seven levels in? Yeah. I thought you were a gamer, Anthony.

I thought you wrote Borderlands 2. I watched you dive into hell with me. Anthony, I played enough games to know that you could probably do this. That's level one completed. Wow, Anthony is already speeding up. Fuck that up. Oh, no.

That's not good at all. Did he jump to level 100? No, I got to level two and then immediately lost two lives. Uh-oh. I'm a yes. I'm against Anthony. Ooh, that's not good. All right, Will, give us the play-by-play.

Give us the shoutcast. He's on level two. All right, so Anthony seems to be closing his way through the jazz ball match. Let's see what he's got. He's into a tight corner now. There's a lot of cross-play between the balls. This reminds me of the Johnson-Kapritsky game of 1997.

He, of course, was a 12-year-old boy who was very good at jazz ball. Hey, Will, quick question from the... Oh, classic isolation strategy. Anthony's got one horizontal ball going. We're up to four balls now. Yeah, Freddie, go ahead. Quick question here from the field here. Is Anthony utilizing a split binary approach, or

is he doing a one-off? Anthony started out with what we call the Herdman approach, where you try to corral all the balls into one square, but now he's split out. He's moving on to level three. We're now at a full five balls are up in the field. This is where the balls really do square, but now he's split out. He's moving on to level three. We're now at a full five balls are up in the field. This is where the balls really do start to get a lot of crosstalk with each other, where we see

balls bouncing off of each other. It makes the lines a lot harder to predict. Oh, and he's down. He's just lost one. He's working himself into a tough corner right now. We've got four balls bouncing in one area. Increasingly small, risky play for mr birch but what can we and he's down to four lives this could be it folks anthony is not doing good he's

in a complicated situation the arrangement of the grid has made a lot of unpredictable bouncing in here in this last corner and my constant droning in his ear can't be helping that much now will this version of jesbo does appear to have ball-to-ball physics is that affecting his gameplay that seems to be but you know what? He's made it to level five. He's got seven lives. I think he could go all the way here. How many balls are in level five?

Oh, and he's closing in. He's closing in. Area cleared 46%. Level five does indeed have seven balls. This is it. This is it. If he can pull this off, then we can move on with the podcast. Now I'm just legitimately interested to see if Anthony can do this.

This is sweaty palms, sweaty palms. It's looking tricky for Anthony right now. This is the ESPN announcer. He did it. He did it. God, sorry. Anthony's just too good at video games. Anthony, tell the truth here.

When you watched Nick Arte. He rocked hard during the show. Oh, my God. That's the only thing I ever wanted to do was be on Nick Arte. Could you imagine being like, I the truth here. When you watched Nick Arcade... I was being rock hard during that. Oh my God, that's the only thing I ever wanted to do was be on Nick Arcade. Could you imagine being like, I could fucking kill. Oh yeah, every single time you watched Nick Arcade and the kids just couldn't understand

their relationship of space versus them and the green screen, you're like, I could do this better. Every single kid who watches that is like, these kids are buffoons, I would kill this. I would annihilate it. I didn't. I bet you could, though.

All right, so unfortunately, because I fucking rule at Jez Ball, Willie does indeed create a wall of fire in front of you that is 60 feet long, 20 feet high,

and one foot thick. So we never talked about this, but you could hypothetically just run through it. Yeah, I was about to say, how much damage does it do? It does 10d8 damage. Okay, how much health

do you have, Beth? 62. Okay. So it could kill you. Very unlikely, though. I'm going to walk through the fire, as Buffy says you have, Beth? 62. Okay. So it could kill you. Very unlikely, though. It could kill me. I'm gonna walk through the fire, as Buffy says. Oh, I mean run. Run. Oh, run through the fire.

That's not what Buffy said, though. No, Buffy doesn't say that. She should have ran. She should have ran. Yeah. Buffy the Vampire Slayer should have ran through the fire. Oh, God. Alright, you take 37 damage. The fire burns away your skin and your flesh, and you begin to smell something Oh, God. All right. You take 37 damage. Woo.

Alive. The fire burns away your skin and your flesh, and you begin to smell something that smells, unfortunately, kind of good, and you realize it's your own skin. Oh, God. Your pants just increased another $200 in its perceived value. I'm definitely going to hit Poshmark when this is all over. All right. The angels are not going to follow you.

She was a liar liar, and now her pants are on fire. Self-fulfilling prophecy. That's what that means. Makes you think. Yeah. All right. One of the angels just incinerates in the fire. Oh, another angel incinerates in the fire.

There's only four left now. Asteroid like space chase and like the fucking high fighters are exploding. The third one's going to go. It's going to scream to a halt like a Looney Tune and then try to go over the wall. Like the A-Wing? Yes, exactly. That's our two.

Too late! Those guys dive out of the way. No, they turn around for the shield. The shield's up! Intensify forward fire and fire them out!

Intensify forward fire and fire them out! Too late! You basically take down all but three of you don't take it down situationally three of them

survive. Yeah, the fuck I did. I fucking took them down. They couldn't make it through the fire like I could. So only three of the angels managed to survive, and they are pursuing you. But now Willie has stupidly cut himself off from you, so he can't pursue you either. Throws his hat off on the ground and jumps on it. And could he just run through the fire too?

Or dismiss the spell? If he wasn't a coward. He's definitely a big coward. He could dismiss the spell. That's true. You know, he just does a cool bad guy thing where he's like whatever he goes what do i care i'm gonna chase her i'm gonna destroy earth so he just goes find her and the audio of him just saying that echoes and then you follow the echo to cut back to normal and should have been more specific my dude there are a lot of women in heaven

should we go to link now Link's in a hole. I want to check in on Link in the hole. Link, what's your hole look like? I mean, you tell me. I don't choose. The person is going to choose a cell. It's a 6x6x6 cell. Oh, so he has to hunch over because he's so tall. Oh, no. I'm not hunched over. I'm doing like... No, there's a diagonal he could be in.

I've been sewing. Fucking like the hypotenuse. There's a vector in there where you're good, dog. I've tried to sew a soccer ball based off of scraps of my own clothes and shoes and stuff. How long have you been in there? It feels like a long time for me, and I'm kicking the ball kind of like in the Great Escape when he's throwing the baseball. Bro, roll the door to my right. Yeah.

So through the tiny keyhole at the front of the demiplane door, you can see the body of somebody. No, I don't look through the hole. Never mind. I'm just sitting there kicking my ball. Wait, what do I see? If you wanted to look, you would see somebody that you don't recognize, but who is Vincent Spellfeather. In fact, his corpse getting pulled along and getting dragged into its own

demiplane as well. I just go up, another dead one. And I kick the ball. I'm just kicking the ball. I'm just kicking the ball. I'm just kicking the ball I'm just like I love my parents I love my spouses but love's not real so I feel nothing

and I kick the ball again that's it so you hear a knocking on the demi-plane wall next to you yeah and it's Daryl Wilson on the other side it's Daryl Wilson on on the other side is who it's daryl wilson is on the other side hey who's who's knocking hey it's daryl dude who's that is that is that link yeah i'm i'm here i'm assuming you're just you're next to me grandpa yeah what's going on

uh just mostly just singing to myself i love some real and made a soccer's not real. I made a soccer ball. Wait, what? Wait, what? You made a soccer ball? Wait. I've been here for, like, years. I've made a finger puppet of Carol once.

I just, like, talked to her for a bit. But you made a soccer ball? How did you make a soccer ball? Well, like, guy started kind of stripping my clothes into like thin strips make kind of like the fluffy part with my socks started like sewing it looks more like a volleyball than a soccer ball but it still works pretty good oh man if you're in here you're gonna make me a football huh i don't know if i can make a football well well buddy,

I'm glad if I'm going to be in here for eternity, at least I'm next to you. So Daryl would have seen that every time somebody dies or gets, they're just talking. And these people go, nevermind. What does Daryl know? Please help me.

Daryl knows that anytime somebody dies or gets hurt or gets put into timeout, this is where they come. It's an area on the other side of the ocean of paperwork. Oh, so this is the timeout room. You're in the timeout zone. But we all have our own rooms. You all have your own rooms in the timeout zone, correct. But there is a keyhole and a lock.

Unfortunately, there's no way for us to know any of this. Right, but at least you know that. Hey, bud, don't give up yet. If it makes you feel any better, when people die, they also come here. Well, I don't really know how that it makes you feel any better when people die they also come here well I don't don't really know how that information is supposed to help you're just telling me that sometimes more people show up here look man that's

all the information I got I'm just like you also see that the angels are the ones who hold the keys to get people in and out of their little just calm down for a second you're such a bummer like give me a moment to give you all the information, okay? The angels also have, like, they bring the keys and stuff.

I'm just saying, like, we got to be on the lookout. Like, I get that you made a soccer ball. That's really awesome. I'm jealous. I got nothing to do here. But, like, we should be on the lookout. There's a keyhole in our door. Let's not give up, buddy.

Like, we got a whole world to save. Like, we got to make your dads proud and my kid proud. You know, we got to do this. Just hang in there, all right? Like, let's not give up buddy like we gotta we got a whole world to save like we gotta make your dad's proud and my kid proud you know we gotta we gotta do this just just hang in there all right like like let's you know let's not give up like let's just keep talking and let's really like get a game plan keep keep your eyes open like to even look through that keyhole well no i was just playing soccer and then i saw a dead body i was like i don't want to look why did i look through there in the first place i was gonna keep playing soccer oh but okay well god you gave up a lot well yeah oh gave up a lot where you mad at me i was just like i'm a kid to try i did pretty good got to heaven try to fight god that's pretty good and i lost so i'm here like what do you want from me

do my best look if the door opens up there's a way to help i'll help oh buddy jesus okay look look eyes on the prize right like this is soccer game don't fucking say it's a way to help i'll help oh buddy jesus okay look look eyes on the prize right like this is soccer game don't fucking say it's a soccer game to get me excited about doing this okay look just keep your eye on the ball and we'll and then look through a keyhole your friends are gonna come help us i just don't want just don't give up. Fine. I won't give up. Okay. Fine. Okay. Stop. Just let me play. Okay.

You want me to like keep score? Oh yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah. Every time you hear a bounce count for me. All right. And then link starts kicking here. Darryl go one,

two. And that's it. Hey, Hey, Darryl. Is that Darryl over there? Oh my God. Yep.

That's yep. Glenn. It's still, yeah, I've been here. It's still Darryl. How's it going bud? You still not talking to me? No, no, no. I mean, Hey, it's still... Yeah, I've been here the day. It's still Daryl. How's it going, bud? You still not talking to me?

I mean, hey, do you know that Link's in the other room? Hey, Link! Do you want me to telephone over to you? Hey, Link! What, Daryl? That's not me. Glenn's on the other side of me. He wants to say hi. So he said hi. What does he say? Just wait. What is Link? Hey, Link, buddy. he he wants to say hi so he said hi what does he say just wait uh what was

what is it like buddy do you want to say anything no i don't don't know him like at all like absolutely not so i guess did you lose count how many how many did i kick kick all right yeah yeah he's uh link said hi glenn oh great great can we recruit him into my plan to get out of here oh yeah that sounds great remind me of the plan again bud well it's very simple you see we all pretend that we're sick and then the angels when they come to let's out we bop them in the snoot then we get out after they come out. But all of us need to pretend like we're sick. But I don't know why I'm the only one sitting here and you never joined me in on this. So, like, I just feel like you're not in on the plan.

And, you know, you're not really coming up with any good ones on your own. No, that's fair. Okay, hey, but you know what? I did think that maybe the angels didn't care if we were sick. Because I've been here before. I've been in prison before.

Did you get out that way? Did they care? I did. I broke out. Okay, should we try? Yes. What do you, like, how sick do we have to pretend pretty bad because it's angels otherwise they're not gonna come open the fucking door people get sick in heaven that's a lot of people get sick and they get to heaven well i'm just saying that like the angels gonna check it out we gotta do a distraction and maybe the angels open the door for us all right okay well i'll

start tell link you follow oh you tell link you're the one who could what that better be a number i hear next 32 33 he just paused for a second yeah okay what hey so glenn yeah okay so glenn that's me he can't hear you glenn so glenn he's gonna he can't hear me he thinks that we pretend to be sick. Maybe the angels will, will open the door up. Darryl, tell him to say blasphemous shit too. And say just really bad stuff about like blasphemous, blasphemous stuff. Oh God, really? Do we say blasphemous stuff about God and you know, Christ and, and that stuff. Just say, say and then be sick i guess you need to do

both those things um how about i just listen to you guys do it and if it works i'll i'll join in hey is he in daryl is he in yeah he's in glad just you start and i'll i'll go he's he's the topper man he's gonna he's gonna give it his all he's a young glad just you start and I'll go. He's the topper, man. He's going to he's going to give it his all. He's a young guy. He'll do his best. OK, weird, weird way to refer to. OK, all right. Here we go.

Here we go. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, man. I feel so sick. Oh, my butt feels worse than God is. And I hate God. Everything's coming out. Both he rolled his head with disadvantage. All three of them, I believe. Oh, no, it's just the two of you right now. Yeah, Link's not going to Both of you rolled a deception with disadvantage. All three of them, I believe.

Oh, no, it's just the two of you right now. Yeah, Link's not going to do it until he finds out that it works. All right, so hold on. Actually, I need to change to my other character. Disadvantage. Yeah, because they can't see you. And also the sick prisoner routine is the oldest trick in the book. I got a natural one.

Oh, God. You shit yourself. Yeah. Oh, Glenn. Don't worry, Daryll i have a shitload of this well here's the thing here's my argument which is that you know you rolled 17 plus 17 34 well with disadvantage with disadvantage but then the next one was 18 plus 17 35 plus 17 glenn's a fucking little fucker dude oh. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

I was fucking rolling for Link. No, no, Link, roll for Daryl, baby. Daryl's deception. Natural one is a natural one. Also, Daryl's minus one deception. He's such a good boy. He can't lie. Next to them, you hear,

oh gosh, I hope they're okay over there. Anyways, I gotta continue're okay over there. Anyways, I gotta continue my new song. Wild Wild Jesus Christ. You hear Henry playing a harmonica somehow.

It's getting better and better, Ron. It really goes to show how art can help in adversity. I don't know if we're ever getting out of here. It sounds like someone's really sick up there. Unfortunately, we're too far away from you to know who it is. Oh, my butt! All right, so... So, Glenn, you see through the keyhole

one of the angels float near you and gaze into the keyhole at you. And he's there! Jesus Christ was an antichrist. Right. Satan is the true, real God. Real intimidation. Willie Sandler's God now, I don't think. This angel cares.

Natural one plus 17. No, no, natural one? Yeah. Plus 17? Oh, what a tragedy. The only situation in which you would not have been able to succeed, pretty much, happened. Where does that leave us now? Open the door!

No. Do it! No! The angel floats away ignoring you. Come back here! Once again, because I feel like this is the 50th time you've probably tried to do this. Darrell, it didn't work again. Yeah, I know. You keep getting bad that I don't do it, but

we've done it a lot. I'm just saying that if I could use a little teamwork. How did Link do? He did as well as you did bud. Oh. Back to the afterspice. Back to Norman Taylor. Okay. You see Scary running through

a fucking wall of fire towards you. Holy shit. Whoa. It's not Larry the science kid. No no no it's me Scary. Scary get in here quick.

Okay. What's going on? Hide in here with in here quick. Okay, so what's going on? Hide in here with us. Close your eyes and plug your ears. Okay. And your nose. Oh, okay. Oh, God. So Mercedes goes like,

can you guys like stop for a second? And then the orgy stops. She goes, you can talk to each other. Everyone get a little water. Everyone take a quick breather. They all flip the tables over and it's like they're sitting at a library now because it's like a speakeasy.

They're like, whoa, the feds are here. We better stop fucking. They just start playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, they go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons. Scary. Oh, my God. You're okay. Well, okay is kind of a relative term.

I cast third level cure wounds. Bellissima. All right, you get 23 health points back. Yay. Health points. Wow. All right, good, good, points back. Yay. Hit points, health points. Health, wow. All right, good, good, good. Wow, what's going on?

Okay, so I just, like, tried to fight Willy, I guess. But I was, I was. Solo? I just kind of rushed into it, and he said something that really pissed me off. Okay. He's going to try to, you know, end the world. Okay, that sounds bad. But I know he has a weakness, sort of. You found a weakness?

No, I mean, I got him to write in this journal and he said that he's really scared of being submerged in water. Okay. We can use that. Yeah, if there's a way to get him maybe into the ocean of paper that I don't know about, so why would I be talking about? You know, we were there. You saw it on the way. Also, it's not water though, right?

Yeah, it's not water though. Well, that's not a You saw it on the way. Also, it's not water, though, right? Yeah, it's not water, no. Well, that's not a problem. I could cast a spell and make it look like water. So wait, you're saying Willy's chasing you right now. Willy's on the hunt for you right now. He's behind his own wall of fire like a chump. Okay, we can use that. Did you see me coming through the wall of fire?

It was pretty cool. You look cool. It was pretty cool, right? You look great. I'm just so happy you're alive. I'm sorry I didn't compliment you. And these jeans are totally going to go on Poshmark after this. Excellent.

Excellent. I love it. Oh, this is my grandma, by the way. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm Mercedes. You are?

I'm scary. I'm scary. It's really nice to meet you, scary. It's a real quick question here. We know we have a weakness now. Do we have anything other than this weakness and a gun? What's going on with dude? Is dude okay? Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, now. Do we have anything other than this weakness and a gun? What's going on with dude? Is dude okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. I might have. I definitely. I hurt dude. Okay. So dude's probably pretty pissed. Are they mad at you?

Well, I don't really care if they're mad at. Wow. That's actually the first time I've cared if somebody's not mad at me. Wow. I'm glad for the growth, but it does seem like that's maybe a problem. Yeah. But dude is still under Willie's control, right? Yeah.

And we're still, look, the whole point, the whole reason we're up here. So wait, how have you guys been doing? Oh, my God. Like, I mean, with the plan. Oh, yeah, with the plan. Pablo Escobar pose again in the corner, just staring out the window, quietly. There have been some setbacks. There have been some hiccups.

But I think now that everyone's together, we can for sure come up with something really good. So here's what I'm thinking. We'll deal with the Willie thing later. Let's think about dude. Let's focus on dude. What do we, Anthony, do we ever learn what we actually need to do with the daddy magic juice to like send dude home? I don't think you did, but like it will be like an arcana roll or something like that.

Something simple. Cause you already have everything you have. To go ahead and make that arcana roll. Go ahead. I got an 11. We're in heaven, right? We just established that we can- Do whatever you want in a 11. We're in heaven, right? Mm-hmm. We've just established that we can...

Get whatever you want in a room. We can pull anything we want out of a room. Mm-hmm. I pull out a leaf and call Aaron O'Neill. What is it?

Aaron! Hey, it's, uh, what's up? It's normal. Um, we got all the stuff. We got the daddy magic juice and we're trying to kind of fix this whole

horrible Willie situation by sending dude to home. So what do we do? Why isn't the line moving? Are you still in line outside? Of course I am. Oh, well, it's pretty bad in here. The line isn't moving. Can you get us in? Can you tell the bouncer to let us in? Do you have an invite? Look, Aaron, I just, Mrs. O'Neill, Miss O'Neill,

is there a Mr. O'Neill? There's Vince. Oh yeah. Okay. I never really caught what the deal was with the two of you. It's complicated. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later. I'm sure you saw heaven go dark and you've been seeing all sorts of crazy angels and bad stuff happen. Things are really bad in here. And I think we can help out. It would help out a lot if we sent dude home. So what do we do now? Well,

all they got to do is drink all that daddy magic you got. And then they got to think about going home real hard and they got to be surrounded by people that they care about. Okay. That sounds easy enough. Thanks. Hey, thanks. Wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get a leaf. I hand you the leaf. Ms. O'Neil. What? Ms. O'Neil, is there a Mr. involved? We just went over this. We just went over this. I'm Vince.

Ah, Vince. Anyway, listen. Things are pretty jacked up in heaven right now. What we could use is a diversion on multiple fronts. You're saying the line hasn't moved outside, right? Correct. Can you and your trees perhaps incite a riot at the gates of heaven? I guess we could.

Say there's only 10 spots left. Tell everyone there's like straight up only 10 spots left in heaven. And only the baddest of the bad are getting in. It's like Battle Royale rules, but y'all got to get in. That's not a bad idea, I guess. Enact Operation Black Friday. Imagine it's a Walmart and it's Black Friday And all the deals are inside Let me ask you this my friend friend

What is in it for old Aaron O'Neill You wanna get to heaven or not You gonna live forever kid No I died because you took the sun You killed me You killed me and all of my friends Have you forgotten that Don't you want revenge

Well come and get it loser Hang up on her! Okay. Perhaps I was made to be an anime villain and not a hero. Something for me to think about. So just to clarify the way the heaven works, can't you guys just say you want Link? Yeah, we can. Oh, you could?

Okay, just wondering. It's funny, Matt, because it's weird. We can have anything we want. And all the friends are on leaf before he's a whole linky boy i guess link would leave once they left the room but yeah liquid disappear once you left the room wait wait but hold on let's give link a call hey wait we can get anything we want here let's put on a call i guess you're right i want a leaf that talks to my friend link hello oh hey norm what how hey where how are you how are you hearing me what Hello? Oh, hey, Norm. What? How am I seeing you?

How are you hearing me? How can you talk to me? I'm talking on a leaf. We're in a private room. How? It's heaven magic, dude. How does that work, though? What, you can get whatever you want? In your personal heaven, I guess. You could have gotten me, but you just got a leaf instead.

Well, I think, like, I want Link to show up in the personal heaven room. Link's, like, mid-kick. You see him, Well, I think, like, all right, I want Link to show up in the personal heaven room. Boop. Link's, like, mid-kick. You see him, like, he's, like, trying to kick something, but the ball's not there anymore because it didn't transport with him. He just goes, oh. Ah, damn it. I wish Link's ball was here, too. Oh, my God! What the fuck is that thing? Like, just easily. It smells!

Link just has tears in his eyes when the ball goes back. He's like, oh, thanks, Carrie. You really get me. That's nice. Wait, I'm here? Yeah, just, I guess, just for now. He's like, oh, thanks, Carrie. You really get me. That's nice. Wait, I'm here? Yeah, just, I guess. That's it. That's it.

How did. You can't leave this room. Sorry I was sarcastic to you. I was like, I thought you were real. I thought you were just like, I was already. I thought I was already going through my demons. Like, are you thinking, you know, I thought I was going to be in there forever. So I was like, oh, here comes another version of Norm.

No, we're trying to. Disappointing and talking to about, but I guess you're real. So I'm here now. That's cool. We're trying to make it so you live a nice, long life where you can contemplate your demons whenever you want. Oh, that sounds great. But right now, that's kind of at risk.

Well, shoot. Scary. Wait. Who was... There was another kid here, like, Larry. Like, he was there when I was, like... Oh, Larry. Yeah.

So what are we doing? How do we get... So I have a confession, Link. Yeah. I was Larry. Well, no, that can't be I have a confession link. Yeah. I was Larry. Well, no, that can't be true. Cause you're scary. And I saw Larry.

I know a lot about science and like, you're good at a lot of things. I don't know. Something just came over me and I watched you as you got sent to prison and I didn't do anything about it because I thought that, you know, we have a bigger plan. No, that's good. Okay. Well, wow. Scary.

That's a really impressive. I do. You tricked me. So, okay. Real quick. Normal is going to on on the sly, make a perception check on Link to see if this is a real Link

or this is some sort of Link simulcrum. Simulacrum. Simulacrum. Just Link still in the cell. This is just like, yeah, to make you feel happy in heaven. I got a 24. Oh, 24. Oh, yeah.

No, this is the real Link. Link, it really is you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I poke you. Oh, ow, okay oh okay yeah it's legit okay look number one willie's gonna be easier to deal with if we can send dude home that's the whole reason we're here we're trying to help dude we're trying to help dude get out and what does

it take to send dude home we have to and how do we do that without sending willie with them well why don't we just wish for dude to be here and then we can force me dude all the stuff that we need to do because this is someone's heaven. Who owns this heaven? Oh my God, that's a good one. I'm sorry, the look on Anthony's face right now is very good. We can't force dude to do anything because they have the... Wait, I have... I think I have an idea.

I think I have a way we could do this. It's a little crazy, but hear me out. Good idea, but if we do tell Doodler to be here, like if they ever go back to Willie, they'll have to tell Willie where we were. So I have a plan. Okay. This is going to be here, like if they ever go back to Willy, they'll have to tell Willy where we were. So I have a plan. Okay. This is going to be tough. This is going to be

tough for me. It's going to be less tough for you, Link, because you never liked it that much anyway. I don't like who? I have a spell called Planar Ally. By the way, when you look up again, Link is just holding the World Cup. Wow. Don't make a big deal about it. So tell me if this sounds kosher. So I've done this spell before.

This is how we summon Santa Claus. You besiege an otherworldly entity for aid. The being must be known to you, a god, primordial, demon prince, or some other being of cosmic power. That entity sends a celestial, an elemental, or fiend loyal to it to aid you, making the creature appear in range. So here's what I'm thinking, guys. A cosmically powerful otherworldly entity.

To me, that sounds like Scam Likely. And Scam Likely, the last time Link, you and I talked to him, said that if we wanted, he could make a new version of Hermie the Unworthy. Okay. And if there's anyone that could impersonate Willy so good that dude would think it was Willy and then would do what he wanted and drink the daddy magic juice. It would be

Hermie the Unworthy. I mean, yeah, he's a really good actor. Yeah. And he's dead. It would be cool if he wasn't dead. I mean, this would be a new copy. This wouldn't be our Hermie. Are you sure you're not just doing this because you feel like grief or guilty? It's 60-50, Scary.

Well, wait. Okay, well, I was all cool with it. 60-50, yeah, it's 110%. I'm not sure, but do you know what I mean? So it won't be Hermie? It won't be our Hermie, but it'll be a Hermie. A version of Hermie. Oh, God, can we just get another actor then? Well, no, I like the idea, but now I'm worried.

Hermie was the greatest actor. He was the greatest actor of our generation. Of our generation, of any generation. We need the best, which means we need Hermie, which which means i'm gonna have to go through a whole lot of the stages of grief real quickly okay um but you know we're just we got to keep our heads down we got to keep moving yeah i always say when it's somebody else's idea like the details it's on it's theirs so that's the saying you do always say that like it's the coach whoever's idea so yeah i mean yeah we need a good actor. I mean, wait, I didn't dislike

Hermes. I'm married to him. I loved him. That's what matters. Okay, let's see. I get this for 10 minutes. It's instantaneous. We should get Hermes here first and then have dude show up, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Or maybe dude show up. I still don't know if we need

dude to show up. Do only do whatever Willie Sample says says so hermy as willie just to just so everyone's on the same page yeah hermy 2.0 yeah as willie stampler will tell dude to drink this magic potion and dude will go back to their home surrounded by everyone that they love which is all of us now does that count as the magic that willie doesn't follow huh so wherever dude goes willie's probably gonna go and does a disguise trick a magic spell what like like the spell says you have to do what willie says like so if some random person comes and says my name is willie stampler and i've convinced you to be willie stampler well you see what you have to do is notarize the heaven thing was like it's officially

willie stampler yes we'll change her me 2.0. Will hereby be known. You will ask? Okay, alright, I got it. I cast Planar Ally. You might be in hell, you might be in heaven. Scam likely is here to turn things up to 11. Scam. It's Normal Oak. Hi, do you remember me? I do. And Link, remember

I met you too. You don't remember me? No, not ringing any bells, sorry. Do you remember when Normal was there right yes and was there somebody with normal like a vague shape in my memory okay you do remember me just a blur okay uh mr likely is there mrs likely there's an everyone likely wowly. Wow. Okay. Everyone? Everyone in Goof Room has had a piece of the scam. Okay.

Okay, so Mr. Likely, the last time we talked, you seemed really broken up, as I was, about the death of your son, Hermione the Unworthy. But you also said that, like, you could make a new one

if we needed one. Yeah, easy peasy, lemon squeezy. So I'm wondering if you could make and send us, vis-a-vis the spell i've just cast planer ally a version of your son hermy the unworthy with all of the fabulous acting talent that he had but name him willie stampler oh oh it's a scam but importantly we're on the same side of the scam yes yeah yeah all right.

You were one step ahead of me there, but yeah. And can he be trained on more old-fashioned movies, like just less Joker? What is it? Don't blink. What are you? He wouldn't be Hermione the Unworthy if he didn't love the Joker. All right.

That's fine. Unless he wanted to come in doing Maltese. Change one hair on that boy's head other than his name. And can he have some cool like action moves or like some powerful things to maybe yeah like if there was like let's say a scale from let's say one to 20 for when this serving on the unworthy subversion should come out let's put them in more towards the 20s actually i think just as a friend normal like i do actually think it's important that he's a little bit because like i know you're saying it's not to bring him back but like you

gotta bring him back the same way he was this is is this is like a build-a-bear situation like he's just a thing we're just bringing so actually can you like a few different yeah like what do you mean by that matt like it's just we we're gonna put the outfit that we want on him and he's gonna look like we want him to look because it's for a purpose it's not a person i need you otherwise i'm worried that you're gonna like you know he's not coming back that's just a risk we're gonna have to take okay you can if i get in too deep you know then just hand me that talk to put sticker i had you still have the talk to us right yeah of course well you just that's what i'm talking to you i wouldn't be able to talk to you if i wasn't holding it four three two one here comes a fake

version of my son boop hermy the unworthy appears in front of you in full Joker regalia unscarred from the last time you saw him. Well, but scarred in the same way Joker is scarred. Yeah, scarred like emotionally

like it's twisted sort of take on the world. how he got him. But the first thing he does is he grabs Normal and does the like D-Day guy kissing the girl like famous image.

Normal's going to make Sorry, sorry, sorry. Like the mask? Sorry, not D-Day. Stop me. They didn't smooch everyone on D-Day. No, V-Day. V.

V for victory. Like, that wasn't... You lost it. Could you imagine... That's a deleted scene for Saving Private Ryan that you don't want you to see. Could you imagine

how much history would change if they found, like, a picture of two soldiers smooching on D-Day? That'd be sick as fuck. That'd be so beautiful. Yeah. Normal's gonna make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. I like that. Alright, Normal got

a 16. Okay, so Normal is holding it together enough to know that he should slow down where his emotions are going right now. Normal kisses back with fury and passion and goes to like kind of grab the back of Hermes' head and then says, no, I can't! No! No!

Hi, it's nice to see you too. Hi. Hello. Hi. Long time no seeing. Hey, what's up? My man! What's up? Nice to build a bear, remember. Hi, Hermes. Just a very charming build-a-bear. Could a build-a-bear do this? And then he doesn't do anything. Oh my god.

That's genius. Normal's gonna roll a d20 on psychic damage. That's exactly what Build-A-Bears do, buddy. Nothing. Normal took 14 psychic damage from that. Mr. Hermie, Mr. The Unworthy. Who's Hermie?

Oh yeah, this is Willie Stampler. Mr. Stampler? I'm Willie Stampler. Mr. Stampler, that's right. Mr. Stampler. Mr. Stampler, that's right. Mr. Stampler, Mr. Stampler, it's nice to meet you. We need you to, we are hiring you for an acting job.

Do you think you're up for it? Oh, I'm always up for an acting job. We need you to- And somehow he's behind you. We need you to impersonate that Willie Stampler, the the other one uh well i haven't seen too much of him in this form so how are you going to train me on what i need to do to how are we going to train this hermie ai on the data of willie stampler so that we can conceivably that's a good question we didn't do that part of the plan hold on hold on hold on. I wish for an actor's breakdown three-ring binder

of the character of Willie Stambler. A good highlights reel. As written by Meryl Streep. Boop. Mine, yeah, Meryl Streep. It's long. It's detailed.

It is erudite. It is full of all the details that a would-be actor, aspiring actor, would want to know about their craft, specifically vis-a-vis being Willie Stambler. I also wish for... all the details that a would-be actor aspiring actor would want to know about their craft specifically vis-a-vis being Willie Stample

which Meryl Streep is this is this renowned star of stations 1920 silver screen Meryl Streep from a mountain yeah yeah from probably some anecdotes in there about his various liaisons with beautiful women there's a lot of just glamour shots of Meryl Streep in the folder that are seemingly

apropos nothing I also wish for the hyperbaric time chamber that Goku trains in so that Willie Stampler, William, here. I wish for the TikTok that Larry and Willie made while they were on break. And on Scary's phone, you see Willie doing a dance to Savage by Megan Thee Stallion, right? That's who it's by? Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Lincoln in full Liverpool gear with his

best friend right forward of Liverpool is like, guys, can we pay attention? Both of them fondling the World Cup between them. Guys, can we pay attention and let Hermie just work on the acting? Of course. Of course. The that the Liverpool guy? Yes. So there's a TikTok video of Willie dancing so silly,

totally cringe, not based AF at all, to a popular TikTok trend video. And you can hear Larry being like, Oh, classic, dude. You are nailing it. Is Larry the one operating the camera? Yeah. You're like a cop the way you protect and serve my man you do that trend too where it's like here record me but the phone

is flipping on the other side and you see the person recording and they're smiling the whole time just like wow yes and larry's like i love this hell yeah oh my, I feel so young. Oh, man. Heck yes. Man, I just love being with my buddy. Me too, man. My best man at my future wedding. When I get married to the one I love. Okay, I won't ever.

Handcuffs. Handcuffs like a cop. the one I love. Okay, I won't ever. Handcuffs. Handcuffs, like a cop. Just like I said. I don't know how I feel about the cop stuff, but yeah, all right. Oh, man. Willie would love the cops. Okay.

Well, gotta wrap up the video now. Where do I press the button? I'm young, I'm hip. I know where to press the buttons. I press all the buttons of the ladies. Yep. That's me, Larry. I'm going to miss you so much if you ever leave.

What a TikTok. This has four views. So we do all that. Boom. As you finish watching that TikTok, you look back up and it's like Willie Stampler standing next to you. You didn't even need Meryl Streep after that.

I dive to make sure Mercedes doesn't shoot me. Your gun is out already. She goes, Grandma, no, I'm a leader. Oh, right, right, right. Sorry, reflex. And she like mirrors her eyes. She holsters the gun,

but she keeps her eyes nice and narrow. Can I roll to make sure that this is Hermie Willie Sampler and not Willie Willie Sampler? Yeah, let's do that. Dang, dude.

That convincing, huh? I'm just a little scared. Perception or insight up to you. Let's see which one I'm better at. They're equally bad so I'm going to roll

perception. That's a 10. So with a 10 it's about an even chance that this is the real one versus the fake one. Cool, yeah. Let's go ahead with this plan. It's the real one. I know. Trust me, I know. I about an even chance that this is the real one versus the fake one. Cool. Yeah, let's go ahead with this plan.

It's the real one. I know. Trust me. I know. I know. I want it to be the real one, too. I'm just saying, you know. Scary.

It's him. Yeah. Norma would know because he really, you know. They really lock tongues. And he loves. Yeah, I know. We don't keep having to hear about it. Kissing him felt like the way I figured kissing him would feel like.

So I'm pretty sure it's him. It's pretty much exactly what happened in my imagination. No, yeah. It was like since he changed you probably kiss him maybe somebody else should kiss him that'd be weird yeah that would be weird nobody else kissed her me so we nobody else knows how it feels you could kiss him again just to make sure it's still him uh that's okay he looks like an old man now that was a right? Don't think about it. No more kissing. Good job. Good job, normal. I give the daddy juice jar of our memories to Willie Stampler.

To fake Willie Stampler. Willie Scampler. Willie Scampler. That's great. I give it to Willie Scampler, and I say, okay, Mr. Scampler. You get inspiration for that, Beth. Yay. Here's your motivation. In a couple of seconds, a eldritch teenager named Dude is going to come into this room,

and we need you to tell Dude to drink this and think of home. What's my motivation? That's your motivation is that you're an actor and you want to act that. The director for the agent.

By the way, did I just solve directing? You might have just solved directing, dog. I think it's almost word for word what Hitchcock said to the Lady and the Birds when she asked him. Hermes, you've seen like... Willie Sandberg was like a cruel jerk, right? So just like, you're really angry at dude and you hated your

home because there's nothing worse than you're a shitty kid and you're a shitty wife. So when you think of the worst place you've ever sent a bad guy to, it would be their home. And you're really disappointed in dude there because he just did something you didn't like. So when he think of the worst place you've ever sent a bad guy to, it would be their home. And you're really disappointed in Doodler because he just did something you didn't like. So when he comes here, you just angrily tell them to go home.

This is, by the way, the difference between a director and a writer giving notes to an actor. Just Matt's like, here's this whole thing that you're playing. I'm like, do the script. Do the, say the words I told you to say. It's perfect as is.

I don't know why you have questions. So Willie Scample goes, yeah, I think I can do that.. It's perfect as is. I don't know why you have questions. So Willie Scampley goes, yeah, I think I can do that. Not a problem. All right. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of fucking shit. All right. Bring him in. Dude, that was sick. No no's for Anthony.

I say, bring dude here. I wish dude was here. I sure wish dude was here. Dude appears and goes, hey dude, it's okay. We dude was here. Boop. Dude appears and goes, huh? Hey, dude. What's going on? It's okay.

We're going to send you home. We brought Willie Stampler with us because he had something he wanted to tell you. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to have Hermie roll deception or performance to see if he's going to convince our boy. So we got a 16.

So Willie Stampler is going to say all right piece of shit drink this because you suck so bad and think about going home because home sucks and that's where you deserve to go because you're the fucking worst and dude goes okay did i not do a good job you did a terrible fucking job you did awful awful awful job and you made me really disappointed and it's like when you have a friend's house and they start fighting with their parents. Should I say something? You suck.

All my hopes were on you and you completely fucked it up. So yeah, drink it. I don't want to ever see you again. Oh no. It seems like a bummer note to leave our friend on. We all love you though.

Just so to be clear, we're all just- They don't fucking matter. And Willie, why don't you tell dude that after they finish drinking that liquid, they can take off the cuffs that are making them follow every order?

Oh, yeah. And take out those cuffs that were supposed to turn you into something cool and make you more than you are, but instead they just prove that you're nothing. So go ahead and take those cuffs off right after you drink all that jizz, whatever the fuck that is.

And dude goes, okay, I guess. Sorry. And dude is going to... And dude drinks the daddy magic that you've spent so very long collecting. And dude immediately begins to glow purple with otherworldly energies,

the likes of which you've only sort of glimpsed out the corner of your eye as you love your parents and as your parents have loved you and as daddy magic has infused every waking moment of your lives. And dude is going to reach up to the collar around their neck

and dude begins to pull. And at that moment, the door to the heaven kicks open and Willie Stampler, not Scampler, but Stampler is there breathing hard and heavy. And he goes, wait. All our days whisked away. But is there something more to say? You know that no one knows us better than ourselves.

You should tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies that we sleep at night. I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive. We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow Bake, steal, and borrow

Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way I'll be on my way Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold

as Lincoln Lee Wilson Anthony Burch is our DM Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlowe. And myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Els is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. This show is supported by our Patreon. And that Patreon is full of members with cool names like Laura Janeka, Catherine Vanya, Travis Dart, Bee Weiderweif, Brian Tim, Kristen A. Drake, Carter Milius, Gargoyle Bee, Chris Winnick, Optimus TW20, Sam Rogerson, Louise Rapson,

Midnight Ranger, Rachel, Ethan Aumet, Joe Pierce, Alexandra, Jacob Cleary, Anuvang Suksavath, and David and Hannah Bath. Big news, our merch shop is back. We've partnered once again with DFTBA to be our merch fulfillment provider. So head on over to store.dungeonsofdice.com and browse our fine wares available once again. And some good news for you as well. Both the Deck of Daddy things and the Season 1 Dice Set are back in stock. These have been hot ticket items in the past.

Now is your chance to get your hands on them. The great folks over at DFTBA, as well as Brian, Ashley, Courtney, Cindy, and Danny, our developer, they busted ass getting everything back. So big ups, big round of applause for these heroes. Once again, if you were affected by our previous merch provider going bankrupt during Black Friday, we recommend that you dispute that previous charge

and if you still have issues or questions, just hit us up at community at dungeonsanddags.com and we'll do our best to get you sorted. You can find our website as well as all the links to all our stuff at dungeonsanddags.com. And you can find our next episode in the future, March 12th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow borrow Brave while we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say

Not today, no, not today I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way Popular dance trends compilation what was the one that really popped off like a couple of years ago the harlem shake there was a like a couple of years ago i can ask cheeseburger levels of outdated