Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 52 - Dood Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

The teens say a goodbye to a friend, summon a powerful new ally, and cook up one last stupid scheme to stop Willie Stampler once and for all.This episode contains Profanity, Violence and Sexual Conten...t.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merchandise ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Where have all the catgirls gone and where are all the weebs? Where's the co-wise sundera to help us kill Willy? Isn't there an actor, a star of stage and screen? Made just right to fleece and determined to be the boy we need I need you, hero I'm heating up my girl, hero, on her cell phone tonight And I hope that she's up and I hope that she's down
Starting point is 00:00:56 And I hope that she's ready to fight I need a Hermes I'm hoping that a new Hermi can help redo tonight And he's gotta be cute and he's gotta be cool So we gotta build a barium just right, build a barium just right Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's. A Pitbull podcast. Yeah, boy. That's not Pitbull. He doesn't say that.
Starting point is 00:01:28 No, he doesn't say that. He says like, we're bringing it, we're bringing it, we're bringing it back. Is that safe to Google? Let's bring it in, bring it in, bring it back to the beginning of the intro and you can do it over again. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's, not a BDSM podcast, not a Pitbull fan cast either. A Madame Web podcast. A Madame Web fan cast.
Starting point is 00:01:42 His web connects us all. Wait, the next few minutes of the podcast are not funny. I just saw the future. Oh my God. You could go down that path. You can change it, Matt. You can change it. You can do it all. This is a D and D podcast about four teens from our world and Mr. Worldwide and Mr. Worldwide and together they all got to save the world like you know Represents in that's where Freddy's limiters My name is Taylor Swift. I play Taylor Swift. My name is Freddy Wong. I play Taylor Swift the tiefling rogue Sorry, you got a different energy. This is Dungeons and Daddies am Zoo crew I love that. Dungeons and Daddies Zoo Crew.
Starting point is 00:02:28 Freddy and the Gang. Freddy and the Gang checking in as Taylor Swift. Playing CD sides all day. Classic rock. Level 13, T-Fling Road. It's early enough for me that when I got my coffee, I didn't make the joke, like, still haven't had my coffee yet.
Starting point is 00:02:40 The barista looked at me as I was saying gibberish to them, we're like, huh, you haven't had your coffee yet. That's how early it is. It's like a Folgers commercial and we're just waiting for the incest. It's 10 AM, which is what we call it. No, don't say what time it is. It's 10 AM, AKA in podcasters, 6 AM. Yeah, there we go. It's 4 AM. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the tiefling rogue of the group.
Starting point is 00:03:02 Nice. This week's Taylor fact. We've seen everyone's personal heavens. Taylor's personal heaven. It's not spaghetti. It's tsukumen ramen, which means that it's just a hot soup. You know what I mean? Anthony, does tsukumen ramen still hit the same way as spaghetti in heaven?
Starting point is 00:03:18 Do you decide the heaven rules? If you're Asian, yeah. Ha ha ha! Is there Asian heaven, Anthony? Well, when you establish there's Italian heavens. That's a good fucking point Italian heaven when they listen and here's the thing. Here's the thing technically as Races have one heaven, but just Italy and Asia have separate Heaven is hell? No. But let me say this, as any Chinese person will be happy to tell you, or at least any
Starting point is 00:03:49 Chinese mom will be happy to tell you, where do you think the Italians got the noodles? Oh, here we go. Is that a thing? I didn't know that. There's a running joke. Marco Polo brought it back, right? Marco Polo, the original Mr. Pitbull, brought it back. The original Mr. Worldwide.
Starting point is 00:04:00 Mr. Worldwide, yeah. He was studying spiders in the Amazon before he died. This is like a running joke in like Chinese culture specifically, which is like growing up my mom would always be like, well, the Chinese invented that we invented gunpowder. We have the fire. It was just like this whole like, you know, proud of our history sort of thing. But then I remember one time my mom took it that step too far because I was having a pizza and she's like, you know, pizza, the Chinese invented that.
Starting point is 00:04:22 I'm like, what, what are you talking about? I've eaten Chinese food my whole life, mom. You never made pizza. And she's like this, like this the shy of being but like scallion pancakes. Oh Like that's a stretch. This is not pizza. Like I know it's like a thing that's around But that's not Anyway, hey everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold I play Lincoln Lee Wilson the schooled at home soccer kid who became the protective paladin of the group.
Starting point is 00:04:48 I guess he's imaginary now, I'm not sure. He's in a prison cell. Not imaginary, he's got portals from one room to another. Really quick fact, because I want to get into a game and I want to fight Willie Stampler. It's a really quick fact. Sorry, what? Really quick fact, because I want to fight Willie Stampler.
Starting point is 00:05:00 Was I gibberish too much? Was it too hard to understand? Somebody hand me a coffee. I don't know what coffee it is. Okay, so. What is that? What is that? What is that?
Starting point is 00:05:08 What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?
Starting point is 00:05:15 What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?
Starting point is 00:05:21 What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? Wait, wait, wait. I hear you though because if a fruit cup can be a dessert, then I feel like applesauce. A fruit cup cannot be dessert. A fruit cup's a fruit cup. Cakes are just a little too much. Like, they don't need them. Applesauce is great. Applesauce is great. It's soft. There's a lot of sugar in applesauce.
Starting point is 00:05:37 If that's not dessert, then Link doesn't know what is. Real quick, real quick. Real quick, those of us without kids, when's the last time you had applesauce? More recently than is acceptable. Anthony? If you've had pork recently and you haven't had applesauce then you don't fucking know what you're doing with it. That's the wildest combination.
Starting point is 00:05:53 I don't know why. Have you ever had it? I have, I don't know why America decided that was a thing. It's delicious. Hey, straight up, lamb with fucking mint jelly? What the fuck is that? Like applesauce with pork is where it's at. Today on 1950s recipes.
Starting point is 00:06:09 Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I played normally. Lee Oaks Wallows Garcia, the unworthy. I dip that bacon in applesauce. Bacon, applesauce, bacon, Jr., Marlowe, Stampler, the Wilson Swift. Normal fact about Normal this week. Normal still has four baby teeth.
Starting point is 00:06:27 What? Yeah. Like in a collection? In a bag? No, he has them in his mouth still. He's got like, I think two of his front two teeth are still baby teeth and he's got like two mullers in the back he's still working on.
Starting point is 00:06:37 One of them's getting pretty loose though. Oh no. Did any of you have like late baby teeth? I just- I did, but like I remember in like high school, like I had teeth that was loose. I was like, oh my God, I'm losing my teeth. Like it was so late. I'm like, there's no way these are still baby teeth.
Starting point is 00:06:51 So like I lost them. Like I guess I just don't brush my teeth well, but they were still baby teeth. When I was doing my extensive research on this fact, you know, I do a lot of research to character as normal Leo Swales Garcia. I discovered that the oldest baby teeth have a record holder was Joyce Whalen, who in 2015 was at the ripe old age of
Starting point is 00:07:07 87 when she had her last baby tooth fall out. Did she die? Was she like Samson when he got his hair cut? Did she just fucking die? The poets are going crazy over that fact At 87 losing my baby teeth. That's the title. For sale, baby teeth never lost. Okay, my name is Beth May and I play Scary Marlon, a goth punk seeker of darkness who's not like the other warlocks. Fun fact about Scary is that one time her mom threatened to... I thought you were going somewhere with that one. No.
Starting point is 00:07:45 One time she was in the Amazon looking for the spiders. One time her mom... Who died in the Amazon researching spiders? No. One time her mom threatened to take Scary to a chiropractor for an attitude adjustment. Ooh, your mom rules.
Starting point is 00:08:01 But, you know, Scary was like, fine, take me, take me there. And then now she has some neck pain because she keeps getting her neck adjusted, but the muscles around the neck are not being strengthened and so she slouches. It's a real problem. And now all the chiropractors are gonna come for me.
Starting point is 00:08:18 But not in the good way. And... Ah! Beth May, chiropractor fuckers. All right. They don't have a, now all the chiropractors will go for her. My mother was fucking chiropractors.
Starting point is 00:08:37 The other time your dad, Hey dad, I love my dad My dad wrote a porno Oh he did We should start a podcast called that We're just you and we watch your porn with you I can't imagine anything worse My dad fact is that this might be the last episode
Starting point is 00:08:58 But it might It might be I don't know for sure but it might be This is like the weirdest form of dramatic suspense Like in a Hitchcock movie like Hitchcock showed up was like this could be the last 10 minutes So yeah when we last left you you were about to fight Willie Stampler. You had summoned the doodler to your side. You had summoned Hermey the Unworthy, or at least a facsimile of him to your side, to
Starting point is 00:09:33 pretend to be Willie Stampler to tell the doodler to take off their collar and go back to their home dimension. As you were doing that, Willie kicked up in the door and said, wait, and that's where we left off. So he's going to say one thing and then we're going to roll initiative. Oh, shit. So he's going in hard. So yeah, can I take a little long rest before we do that? Sure can't. So they can wish it.
Starting point is 00:09:53 You wish to be resting in a long rest. Yeah. Can we all wish for a long rest? And we all wish to be if you all want to fall asleep. Can we all wish to be level 20? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Starting point is 00:10:06 wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Starting point is 00:10:07 wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sure Leek is eating applesauce right now. Once we are rolling initiative, you can eat a Twizzler on your level. Or applesauce. I hate to be interrupting a lot, but I do have one more important- You do not. This is literally what you live for. This is why you play D&D.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Okay, but this is an important question. As a manufactured Wish, does Leek have wishes now? What do you mean? Like an I wish. Oh, that's a good point. Oh, because he's in the room? Yeah, sure. Great, because I think I read that last episode. Dude, just like the genie in Aladdin.
Starting point is 00:10:46 He doesn't have wishes. That's why it's important to know. Yeah, that's sort of the whole plot of Aladdin. I mean, it's saying, hey, genie, you could wish. Wait, what? And then he just did. OK, great. OK.
Starting point is 00:10:58 OK, so. No more interruptions, I promise. No, that's fine. You can interrupt as much as you want. I'm not being very funny today, so you should interrupt more. Willie says if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life torturing your families. What if we kill you though? Then you can't do that. Mercedes O'Garcia shoots him in the head. Yeah, I think Taylor would be like this one this one! And then the bullet pings off of his head. What the fuck? And he goes, I'm God?
Starting point is 00:11:20 Oh shit, that's right, he is God. Oh. Finally Taylor thinks to himself my chance to find and kill God, what I have been dreaming about my entire life. And in this way, Taylor's overall character arc is fulfilled. How do we know whether Dude believes which Willy? I'm gonna have a roll. Oh.
Starting point is 00:11:41 Scary looks at Hermy and is like, say something meaner. Say something meaner than that. Okay. Hermy goes, none of these people actually like you. They're just around you because of what you can do for them. Oh no, Scary, what are you doing? You're super powerful, you have the abilities of a god, that's why they care about you, not because of who you are.
Starting point is 00:11:56 Do you think they'd be spending any time around you at all if you were just another teen? You think they'd actually enjoy your presence? And Dude goes, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. They're beginning to believe. So I'm gonna have them roll and I was gonna say that on one to ten they believe that Hermes willy on an 11 through 20 they believe that Willie is Willie but because you encourage them to be even
Starting point is 00:12:16 meaner on a 1 through 15 they are gonna believe that Hermes is Willie okay all right so I'm rolling a d20 now they got got a four. So that's good. For us? That's good. For us, not for their self esteem. Not for their self esteem, no. Are we tracking that, the self esteem HP? No. Everybody rolled initiative right now,
Starting point is 00:12:33 so we're gonna go into initiative order knowing that the dealer believes that Hermy is the real wireless tampler. Seven plus four, 11 for our hero, Taylor Swift. 18 for Lincoln Lee Wilson. One plus two, three three normal got a 19 we told dude to just go home right yes yeah told them to rip off the collar and go home so it's Willie's turn which Willie the real Willie Stampler and yes technically
Starting point is 00:12:58 the Hermi doppelganger is named Willie I think we should call the clarity sake we can just say me or her me to her me to turn me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the neck by holding on the collar. Kind of like the bad guy in Madame Web, right? Yeah. He does a lot of neck holding. Sorry. We just saw the movie. Just want to try. You also saw Madame Web. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:29 Like he said, Madame Web is a spider that owns other prostitute spiders. Okay. And 11. He's going to resist with an 18. So dude is going to slap his hand away. Hell yeah. And Willie goes, okay, that's not a problem,
Starting point is 00:13:49 and he's gonna use his move, and he's gonna leave the room. Oh God. And he's gonna slam the door. Guys, we won. I don't think we won, I know, we still need to stop him. Dude, what did you do? So it is Normal's turn.
Starting point is 00:14:02 Okay, you guys, send dude back home. Dude, goodbye, I love you. I'm it is normal stern. Okay, you guys say dude back home dude. Goodbye. I love you I'm so proud of the crazy amazing journey We've been on together and this is gonna be a really tearful Goodbye for me, but I believe in you and I want you to be happy and be at home So go ahead go home and know that we all love you But I'm gonna go just one of us needs to at least make sure he's not doing some So I'm gonna go Yeah, what's up quick sidebar? So at least make sure he's not doing some f'ed up and I'm up next so I'm gonna go. Normal, normal, normal, normal.
Starting point is 00:14:25 Yo what's up? Just a quick sidebar. It does seem that if we're going to be fighting a god, that having our one friend who is a god not be here, we're fucked if we try and fight real Willy. I am going to do an arcana roll to see what I know about fighting gods. Go for it. Oh so you want to talk to Taylor? I got a ten so the ten you can tell that
Starting point is 00:14:48 specifically the reason that Willie didn't take any damage from the gun that was shot at him the gun that was shot at the bullet that was shot at Him at his face by Mercedes is that whoever God is is immune to the things that haven't creates. Yeah So we can still jack him up. You still jack him up normal style. All right, I'm pretty sure we can still jack him up. Do you still jack him up normal style? All right. I'm pretty sure I can still jack him up normal style. Is that just your way of saying, are you just self inserting your name in there
Starting point is 00:15:11 or is that normal style? Normal style, that's what I mean. Oh, okay, got it. Like both ways actually, because I'm normal and because I'm gonna do it my way. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay, and I round out the door after Willie. Okay, the door is locked.
Starting point is 00:15:24 Go ahead and give me a strength check. Anthony, can I round out the door after Willie. Okay, the door is locked. Go ahead and give me a strength check. Anthony, can I use my, I have a feet, an ill-advised feet that I took. Most feet are ill-advised. I have a feet called charger. When you use the dash action, use a bonus action to make a melee weapon attack or shove a creature.
Starting point is 00:15:40 In this case, I'd like to say the door. If you move at least 10 feet in a straight line before using this bonus action, you either gain a plus five to the damage roll or push I'd like to say the door. If you move at least 10 feet in a straight line before using this bonus action, you either gain a plus five to the damage roll or push the target up to 10 feet away. Look, I'm basically like, can I get like some kind of sauce to charge this door and try to blast it open?
Starting point is 00:15:53 If it weren't for the arcana roll, I would say that you have a bonus action left. I feel like the arcana roll was your bonus action. Okay, for, for, for, for, for, for, all right. I'm just gonna try to just ram through this door then. Okay. All right, so what is that? Strength? That's a strength check I got an 11 and 11 the door buckles, but at home. Oh, I fall onto the ground Do I get to do anything else this turn you can like cry in pain and like?
Starting point is 00:16:17 Wow my head oh, I would you go to wearing the teeny the teen costume. I just assume I'm so used to wearing the teeny the teeny costume. I just assume I'm added up there. Oh, oh, grandma. I hugged Bersetia. She goes, for Bersetia. Oh, I hurt so much. Me duele mi cabeza. So it is Link's turn. Link, seeing what Normal did, decides to do the same and runs to the other side of the room.
Starting point is 00:16:40 And then in his mind's eye imagines the door as a defender of like Chelsea or something. and then in his mind's eye imagines the door as a defender of like Chelsea or something, like straight up like in the path of him as he's going towards the goal. As he's running, he's running full speed and I don't know how long the room is, but as long enough for as he's running,
Starting point is 00:16:57 he's saying to dude, dude, we love you. Don't listen to what Willie, I mean, do listen to what Hermy, do listen to what Willie said about you being like bad and stuff and that you gotta leave home. But like, no, that the four of us don't think that like we love you. Okay. Do you want me to listen to you? And then I run full speed.
Starting point is 00:17:13 Now, Anthony, before Matt makes his role, does he actually summon a burly defender from Chelsea by imagining this in this room right now? I see no reason not to. Okay. Who would that be? Matt? I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Fake fan. Chelsea. I don't know any Chelsea players David Beckham Yeah, it's David Beckham because this is an alternate timeline and in this time my David Beckham has a game of defense He's playing at the age of 50 In the still it's fucking good. It's good. It looks great. I roll strength. Yep. That's a five All right, so door doesn't even buckle somehow normal hitting it with his big old dome Did more damage to the door than you did David Beckham from Chelsea just slaps you down with his hand. He's not supposed to dramatically fall He's looking around the 10th on Mercedes takes out a yellow card to me
Starting point is 00:18:01 Mercedes takes out a yellow card. To me? Well come on! It hit me! It's faking, it's faking. I watched it happen, you're faking. It is Hermes' turn. Hermes is gonna go, yeah you piece of shit, you're nothing, you're absolutely nothing.
Starting point is 00:18:13 Everything that you are, everything you are, this entire world is pain and the only truth is that pain doesn't go away. Pain stays with you for the rest of your existence and all this world wants for you is pain. And dude goes, okay, I believe you can stop now. I got it. He's just nodding like he's right.
Starting point is 00:18:27 He's right, this is Drew. It is Taylor's turn. Taylor's gonna close his eyes and be like, I wish Hero Oak were here, arms to the teeth with, I'm so sorry Anthony, I'm gonna require you to scroll through a thing real quick. That's okay. Look for anything, just do a find.
Starting point is 00:18:43 Just wanted to say you're a great DM, Anthony, Anthony. A great friend. Can you do a search in that and then just look for the word god? Freddie you can just imagine any weapon you wind. Like that's the rules. You're outsourcing your creativity to our fan base. Doesn't Taylor have like an anime sword? Is there a sword that kills god in anime? There's gotta be a god killer sword in anime. Plus remember literally the first thing he told us was that anything conjured up by heaven willies immune to So whatever version I would like to read I would like to take a back step and then ask real quick I do have a sword right you do you have a sword that's I think specifically good at killing gods
Starting point is 00:19:14 If I remember like any anime sword you want you have to say the catchphrase Character it turns into a sword from an anime or JRPG Taylor Reaches behind him and does the thing where you like thumb the sword out you have time out there Yeah, I've never heard that described on this podcast before I've never heard someone talk about popping the samurai So I'm gonna play before I don't understand what that is. Are you mocking me? Well? But also but also as he does so he goes I wish hero were here to see this So as he does so he goes, I wish hero were here to see this God Hero Taylor looks guys. I hear that's what this is
Starting point is 00:19:54 Hero Taylor looks over his right shoulder behind to hers in profile because that's where she pops up She's in front of me by still turn my turn around 180 You still look up. She's in front of me by still turning around 180. So 180 so that I can position myself correctly for the following maneuver, which is to turn my head over the right shoulder. She's out of focus. The rack focuses to her as you bring it. But I say my line first, which is, would you like to come with me and kill God?
Starting point is 00:20:18 She says, no, not even a little bit. I fucking hate you. Okay, again, she can't leave the room, Taylor. Because you brought her here. Is that how that works? Yeah. So I can't leave the room? No, I mean, no, I don't think so. You don't leave the room. So then Taylor, now digesting that, continues his line,
Starting point is 00:20:36 which is there's a two-part line, goes, Watch close. You're about to learn how someone can kill God. Oh, well, the point is, I'm waiting. Taylor takes a step and he goes, and he kicks the door down. All right, roll strength check. Please fail.
Starting point is 00:20:53 I'm begging you, gods of dice, please make this man fail. Natural one. No! No! Natural one! You kick the door so hard that you fall back onto your ass and you break the sword in half. No! No! No! That's really bad't get through the door to get to God. I'm not the chosen one, you're the chosen one.
Starting point is 00:21:29 You have to open the door, because you're chosen to do it. All right, I'm gonna roll. Okay, so here actually shows up exactly here in the initiative. Anthony, I got it. Yeah, you can look at it, man. D&D Beyond heard Anthony. I like to think that, by the way, that D&D Beyond is granted microphone permissions,
Starting point is 00:21:44 and they're listening for key phrases when you're playing To be like alright you want to fucking go hard on that alright So here goes Jesus I have to do everything myself. She tries the doorknob. Yeah, she just opens the door She rolled a 16 the doors open She goes cool chosen one job done. I've opened the door for you. Hero, thank you. I give her a big hug. You're welcome.
Starting point is 00:22:08 I love you. Okay, good talk. I pat her on the back. Yeah, she pats you on the back. She's not done. Like, hero, we still need your help. I can't leave the room. She walks out the room.
Starting point is 00:22:16 Okay, let's just test. Okay, if I leave, like, you guys wish me back. I don't think we should. Oh, God. You're gone. Oh, man. I wish we're going to come back. He's back.
Starting point is 00:22:24 Hey, guys. Yeah, I went back to the cell. But you vomit, because it was so nauseating. Oh, God. You're gone. Oh man. I wish we're going to come back. Boop. He's back. Hey guys. Yeah. I went back to the cell. But you vomit cause it was so nauseating to do that twice in a row. It's slightly more visual. You vomit too. Cause it's funny. It's a comedy podcast. Okay. So yeah. So me and here are like stuck here. So can you guys bring God back here? We'll try. Okay. I'm going to try to bring him back or on my turn. Okay. All right. So it is dude's turn. Okay. All right, so it is dudes turn so dude goes It goes wait. I don't really have any friends. I think
Starting point is 00:22:53 I think Willie was right though about you just kept me around from my powers and stuff. So Willie did but not Yeah, we want to help you get home because you miss home, right? Yeah. Home is where the heart is, and like that's where your heart is then. Do you have a heart? I thought my heart was with you guys. Why would you listen to a stupid adult, you know?
Starting point is 00:23:12 We're teens. Do you want them to listen to, I mean, but. Oh yeah, I mean. Yeah, why would I listen to you then? Yeah. You told Willie to say the mean thing, and then he said the mean thing. I just said that to, I I just I didn't mean to
Starting point is 00:23:27 But has dude taken off the bracelet dude's hand is on the bracelet It's okay, dude. Take the bracelet off and then we can explain everything dude Takes the bracelet off and it magically Disintegrates in their hand and they are now free potentially of the control of Willie Stampler real or imagined dude we love you We had to do that just to get you to take it off because the thing said you could only listen to Willie and we Had to convince you that was Willie but it was all a big goof. It was all psych. You're just a big baby It's not it's not none of it's your fault. You're destroying your pests and like I mean go home I guess or not, but like yeah, you're loved you're okay everybody broke persuasion
Starting point is 00:24:05 or not but like yeah you're loved you're okay everybody broke persuasion 10 plus 2 12 I got 24 I say that dude life is not a waste of time time is not a waste of life so let's not waste any time get wasted have the time of our lives no I mean maybe dudes right maybe we should have like told them this when the collar was still on you know if we really believed in them or whatever. But I mean, like, you know, But the collar was like, yeah. But okay, that's the past and right now is now, right? And we're sorry and-
Starting point is 00:24:33 Dude, I know it's so hard being a teenager, you know, but I think it'll get better maybe. What makes you say that? Your parents are miserable. Yeah, well, a lot of people are miserable and a lot of people are like, you know suffering or whatever or have regrets But I'm not I was but I'm not and I know I'm not you and you're not me But I I'm just saying like maybe you can come back from feeling like this So what did you roll when you roll persuasion? A 12.
Starting point is 00:25:05 12. Okay. I kind of see what you're saying. I think I believe normal though. Normal makes a lot of sense. Yes. Normal always makes sense. Say more about normal.
Starting point is 00:25:15 Yeah, just yeah. Normal is always right. Say more things normal. Yeah. Look, dude, you're right. You're right. Our parents screwed up and they made a lot of mistakes. But a lot of that was because they loved us.
Starting point is 00:25:24 They're just trying every day to make the world a better place. And that's all we're trying to do. And I don't know what the future is going to hold. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen in five minutes when we go fight Willie. But we're doing this because we want to make the world better. And that's from love. And I got to believe that that kind of love can make the world a better place in the long run.
Starting point is 00:25:42 There's no guarantees, but you got to up and you gotta keep trying every single day. Yeah, I mean, they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But right now, we're in heaven. Yeah! Yeah! And dude, if we didn't care about you, like we're about to go fight God and you're really powerful and you know,
Starting point is 00:26:01 we would want you to come with us, but it's not your fight, man. So that's why, like we care about you. We'd rather you just do what you want to do and go home or stay here, whatever you want to do. Like we just care about you. Like we don't, we don't want to use you for anything. Like all these fucking parents and everybody else has, has done for us. I mean, I hope you believe us, but I hope you just do what makes you happy, man. Like Link said, the choice is yours. You're our friend and we don't tell our friends what to do
Starting point is 00:26:25 We try to help them do what they want to do. So dude, the choice is yours Dude is gonna roll one through ten dude is gonna leave 11 to 20 dude is gonna stick with you and try to fight Willie You got a natural one So dude says I know things have have been hard for all of us. And I know that your parents haven't been the best parents and your friends haven't been the best friends. And I've done a lot of bad things. But I think ultimately I did more harm than good here.
Starting point is 00:27:02 And I don't know if I should stick around, but I do know that, you know, you guys, you made me better. And you taught me that what I was doing, I didn't have to be doing so much anymore. And I didn't have to be a bad girl. And I didn't have to be hurting everybody all the time. And I just want you to know that I appreciate that a lot. I guess I should still go though, because I do kind of screw things up more than I don't.
Starting point is 00:27:30 But I think you all could do a lot better than I did, because I have faith in you. Some people, they worship me like a God, but I kind of feel like I worship you guys sometimes, because you went through so much together and you don't like each other in a lot of ways, but you really love each other in a lot of other ways and you're married and you're friends and you're
Starting point is 00:27:49 you're a complicated group of people. And I just want you to know that I do believe in you a lot. Thanks, dude. Hey, dude, I just hope you forgive yourself. There's you know, like you said, there's been rough times. But like, you know, it's like my dad always says, sometimes life gives you apples. You just got to make apples sauce out of it. And dude, it's okay to worship yourself every now and then, you know? I want you guys to know that people spend a long time trying to deal with me, trying to like control me or get
Starting point is 00:28:23 rid of me or any stuff like that And I just want you to know that you guys are the first people to actually treat me like a person and actually end the cycle So like your grandparents had something in the motion and then your parents made it worse but you you finished it and I think you should be psyched about that I give dude a big hell. Yeah, my man bring it in a hug group hug Can I hug you can we get a big group hug before you go dude? Yeah big group hug, please
Starting point is 00:28:54 We love you, dude Anytime you want to come back and I don't know hang out if that's something you can do you just yeah come over I don't think so. I think once I'm gone. I'm gone. Okay, well in that case, we'll see you in our dreams, pal. All right. Seacrest out. And they think of home, and they think of the dimension that they came from, a dimension of chaos and darkness and confusion
Starting point is 00:29:15 and love and fear and anger. And before your eyes, they begin to fade away. And as they do, they wave at you and they say, I know you can do this. I think you all are going to be all right. And with that, Dude twinkles away and is out of existence, as far as you know. The universe rumbles around you as somewhere, Willy shakes with rage. With Dude gone, he's lost the ability to travel between the realms, and with it, the power to destroy all of existence.
Starting point is 00:29:54 He's still God and he can still control the angels in heaven, but his nascent dreams of world destruction are over. I hope they're doing okay. Yeah, me too. I mean, it is what it is. They're gone. So now we gotta figure out the task at hand. Like, will he's gonna kill everybody
Starting point is 00:30:08 or torture everybody or whatever? Like we gotta get out, like... But we are in... Can I test something? Oh, yeah. Nevermind, you guys don't need me. We don't need a test if I can help or not. So you guys...
Starting point is 00:30:16 What? What do you wanna do? Link, what do you mean we don't need you? Okay, well then give me something to put in my mouth. What? Sorry, what? Just give me something, anything. I take some gum out of my pocket. All right, I put it in my mouth and What? I'm sorry, what? Just give me something, anything. I take some gum out of my pocket.
Starting point is 00:30:26 All right, I put it in my mouth and I run out the door. The gum was not wrapped. Oh, it's okay, I just put it in my mouth and I run out the door. It was not fresh either. So the gum originated from normal, which means that when Link runs out, boop, he disappears, but the gum's suspended in midair for a split second
Starting point is 00:30:40 and then falls to the ground. I wish Link back in the room. Okay, what did that prove? There's no gum in my mouth, okay, I wish for gum. Okay. Can I get a piece of gum? You get a piece of gum. I put that gum in my mouth and I falls to the ground. I wish Link back in the room. Okay, what did that prove? There's no gum in my mouth. Okay, I wish for gum. Okay. Can I get a piece of gum? You get a piece of gum. I put that gum in my mouth and I run out the door.
Starting point is 00:30:49 The gum disappears along with you. God. Okay, I wish Link back again. All right, I was just trying to see if I could bring something back to my cell. More and more nauseous every time. I was just wondering if I could bring something. Wait a second.
Starting point is 00:30:58 I was trying to find a way to escape, like if I could bring something back to the cell. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. What did the inside of your room look like? It's just a big empty cell. Was there like a door? Was there a lock? No, there's just like four like kicking walls,
Starting point is 00:31:09 like around it. What is a kicking wall? What do you mean? It's like, it's a big flat surface that you can kick a ball on. But that's just a wall. What makes it a kicking wall? What makes it, yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:18 Well, you can kick a ball at it. Well, okay, okay, hold on. Okay, we can't, all right. All right. Anthony, I seem to remember there was a keyhole or something. There was a, yeah remember there was a keyhole or something. There was a, yeah, there was a door and a keyhole at the kickin' wall thing.
Starting point is 00:31:27 Did one of the walls have a target for you to kick a ball at in the form of a hole? Yeah, there's a small target on the opening wall. Maybe when you go back, here's something, I give Link a paperclip from my pocket. Okay. But it won't go back with him. It won't go back?
Starting point is 00:31:43 Oh, that's right, because it won't do the thumbs up. Yeah, we just attacked. Because you'll leave the room. All right, it won't go back with me. It won't go back? Oh, that's right, cause it won't. Yeah, we just attack. Cause you'll leave the room. Yeah. I could draw it the shape of the keyhole in blood on my body. Well, that'll come back, right? Yeah, let's not get to that.
Starting point is 00:31:55 I don't think. Okay. Why would you try to think of what comes back with me? What about a fingernail? Oh. Okay. You got long nails? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Wait question Mercedes says oh, yeah Mercedes Can you know where do you want him to be?
Starting point is 00:32:10 Like we're trying to get him out the door so that he can help us fight Willie Do you have any like crystals that could do that? I have a lot of crystals that you don't want to see me use Just the crystals from Joe, right? Yeah Crystals, I don't understand what the big deal is. Joe is an adult only friend. You'll learn about Joe, I'd say in a couple of years. You'll probably learn a whole lot about Joe. Man, I'm not going to know who Joe is until I'm 17.
Starting point is 00:32:36 You already know. OK, well, I'm not I'm not going to be the one to break that innocence. But I'm just wondering if you could wish to teleport yourself where Link, if you could break him out from there Wait, wait, wait. Yes. What if our wish is to teleport and then we'll lose all the effects of this room the moment We're out but we can teleport to just outside links cell. Wait, I have another idea too. Okay, cool What if I teleport onto the throne of God? Oh, yeah, What would that do? Can you become God? I don't know. What if we also imagine the boulder so big
Starting point is 00:33:09 that God couldn't move it? Oh, I have a thought. Yeah, what is it, Grandma? Leaving this room takes objects from you, but it can't take knowledge from you. That's true. I wish for the knowledge for how to open the door. Can we?
Starting point is 00:33:22 Okay, great, so now you know how to pick locks. Now you know how to pick magical locks. I wish for the dumblingium. Now you have to go back there because I don't know how to pick the lock. Well, but, well, Link. What? You, you, you, you could do the,
Starting point is 00:33:34 I wish for Link to know how to pick a magical lock. Now Link knows how to pick magical locks. Now Link has the spell knock. That is pretty cool. You guys know how to pick locks? I know how to pick locks. I wish for the knowledge of history of defeating gods in the past and throughout history. So you get a vision of two time-traveling lesbians stabbing a god to death on his throne,
Starting point is 00:33:54 one of them garroting him while the other one stabs him in the face. You have an image of like gnome chomps keeping like, actually, we don't really need God anymore. And then God having a heart attack and falling over and dying. And you have histories of all the Greek and Roman gods fighting each other and killing one another using mortal combat back in the day. Is that how they fought is straight up 2D, like mortal combat style. Yes. Like a tournament. Immortal combat. Shao Kahn oversaw a tournament between the Greek gods.
Starting point is 00:34:29 Fuck yeah. OK, guys, I don't have pick a lock just wish me back if you don't hear from me in a second Taylor also wishes to be fluent in Japanese I also wish for the pilot program for a b12 helicopter hurry you get you all get it everything everything you can dream we're all useful information we could possibly have you know both everything they teach you at Harvard Business School and everything they don't teach you at Harvard Business School. I want to get a PhD from Harvard and from the streets. I want to learn the subtle art of not giving a fuck. So all of you self-actualize and when you exit this room you're going to be complete
Starting point is 00:34:59 characters who have finished your arcs entirely. Yay! So that's one less thing we have to worry about. I look at my three friends and I just give them a knowing nod like, we've learned a lot on this journey. I just nod. Link, goodbye. Goodbye. I wish for Link to get out of here.
Starting point is 00:35:17 So Link returns to Link's cell. And I do a lock picking game, like the best one from all video games I'm thinking. Convince me that you have something on your personal ready that would allow you to help start picking out locks. Okay, yeah, I fucking only used one of my fucking shin guards. I fucking take out the plastic from my shin guard. Or a ball pump has the little needle at the end.
Starting point is 00:35:35 Yeah, like always carries a ball pump with them too. I like that, yeah. I like that. And just so that, my cool idea is also use, is I get the needle, but then I also break the plastic and the shin guard into a bunch of sharp shards. I think we did say you used both your shin guards last time to cast freedom of movement twice.
Starting point is 00:35:49 Fine, fine. Yeah, sorry, you have to take the idea from a woman. You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, I take the ball pump and I chew it and bend it with my strong baby teeth that I haven't lost yet. Hey, what? You do? Me too.
Starting point is 00:36:02 And um, and we start kissing for some reason? Yeah. And I pick the lock. So the door opens onto a 300 foot sheer drop into an ocean of paperwork. Um, you stop yourself, you stop yourself from falling down, but you are now free of the room and you can see a bunch of rooms next to you, the room of your dad and all the other people and, but the lock thing breaks. Okay, good.
Starting point is 00:36:27 I won't do that, I work alone. So I wanna share a clip, and it's just the paper balloon. Tommy Lee Jones is behind you, telling you not to jump. I go, this one's for my flippy boys, and I do a perfect dolphin jump. Okay. A dolphin dive. A dolphin dive. A dolphin dive in the ocean.
Starting point is 00:36:41 I just look like all the best characters from Assassin's Creed, and I like that. Feels like an athletics check. To what, not fall? Like he's going to fall. I fall. It's just a big whole ocean of paperwork. You look stupid if you fail.
Starting point is 00:36:50 You got to dive the right way or you break your neck or something, right? OK, yeah. If you do this wrong, you'll break your neck. Yeah, let's risk our character breaking their neck, diving into an ocean of paperwork. I'm just trying to juice it up a little bit, baby. I got 20.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Nice. 13 plus 7. Perfect dive. Nary a splash of paper up as you penetrate the surface of the ocean. Hey, Daryl, did you hear that splash? Oh, he finally's believed. What?
Starting point is 00:37:13 What? He made it. I think that's Link. Was he gonna help us out? Nah. I guess not. I think I heard the lock break. Oh, well fuck.
Starting point is 00:37:22 Yeah, I heard a lot of stuff. They're telling their own story now. Oh, Ron, you're here too? Yeah. Hey, guys, I think one of the things we need to learn as grandparents is sometimes, you know, like our time is done. Yeah, that's a good point.
Starting point is 00:37:34 You know, and we should carry that forward in all of our things. Like if we're like voting for policies, we should think about things that will help the younger generation, not us. Like our time's done. Darryl, you really learned a lot. Yeah, I'm just saying, like it's their time.
Starting point is 00:37:44 Like we should just sit here and retire. That just reminds me that I should keep talking about environmentalism no matter how annoying people find it because eventually they'll wear down. And Dane goes, oh my God. I'm done. Ha ha ha ha. Da da da ba ba bow.
Starting point is 00:37:57 All right. See Anthony, even the original dads can not be funny sometimes. Ha ha ha ha. Link is just doing the Katika swimming, he's just swimming, not as a... Just hoping, just, no, he just feels instinctually. Also one of the things he did was he wished for all
Starting point is 00:38:13 the knowledge of like the map of heaven, so like... So you know how to swim back to shore. Yeah, I know how to swim back to shore. You don't leave any further away back. I guess we're running to go confront Willie, right? Is it the plan? Yeah, we're back in the room. We're like, okay, I think it worked.
Starting point is 00:38:27 Link's gone. We gotta meet up with him. I wish really quick. Is it shitty if I wish for like a long rest or something? I just can't do any spells. We'll just eat a Twizzler. Yeah, we got Twizzlers. Don't worry about it.
Starting point is 00:38:38 I'm about to ask for a lot more than a Twizzler. Anthony. Anthony. As I'm swimming full speed across this ocean to our rendezvous point that we planned ahead of time, can I do a roll for something? You have to ask me something more specific than that. I'm not going to give you topical answers. Well, I'm asking you for blanket permission.
Starting point is 00:38:54 I'm going inch by inch. You know, foot in the door. Give me your fucking roll, dude. No, well, I mean, I'll tell you what I'm going to roll for. I want, as I'm swimming, I want to be glancing through the papers. And what I'm looking for is just any name that feels like a warrior.
Starting point is 00:39:07 I just wanna gather as many- An army of warriors based on what their name? Like I just wanna be swimming and just grabbing papers of people that feel strong. Like I'm like, yeah, that'll be a good person. Cause then we'll get all their information. We can just gather like as much of an army as we can. What's this? Madame Web?
Starting point is 00:39:25 Madame Web? Yeah, you can roll for that. Sure. Go ahead and roll. What am I rolling? Just a straight D20 roll or an Arcana roll out to you. I got 10. All right. So with a 10, you find Madame Web. Can I get a little look at the game? What was that Matt?
Starting point is 00:39:40 The Dolphins though. You know, I got Dolphin friends. It's not even heaven. No, I know, but they taught me how to swim really fast and look for powerful This is sort of papers that haven't which implies that like Flippy and Chester are the pinnacle of names in their opinion Are the pinnacle of names in their opinion? To get a ten which means that the name that you see is chugs McCray Sorry, it's not even that cool. It's chugs macrame
Starting point is 00:40:18 Which was sent to us by ox mccrae. Thank you ox. I'm clients. I'm looking left and right I'm like look at all his names just shaking my head. Not not does not this is he Again chugs macrame. I just fucking, I don't even slow down to grab it. I just go straight in my mouth. I'm just gripping a fucking knife and a pirate. I'm like, this is the person that we're fucking bringing with us. Okay. I mean.
Starting point is 00:40:36 So I wish for a Twizzler. Normal looking at Taylor and Scary and his mom, he says, we're about to go fight God. This may be the last snack break we have as a group. Oh snacks. And I just want to say, I just, I wish Link was here but I just want to say you guys are great. And it's just, it's been a pleasure.
Starting point is 00:40:53 And I hold my Twizzler up like a cool sword for like the three musketeers. And I say to the team, let's touch tips. Let's touch tips. And I touch the tip. Go teens. Go teens. Go teens. Yeah, go teens. Go teens. Go teens. Yeah. Go teens. Go teens. Go teens. Mercedes says actually orange slices are much healthier snack if you want it.
Starting point is 00:41:10 Shut up. You're not a teen. OK. Jesus. Close the answer. Is the Twizzler a long rest or a short rest? Long rest. Yay. I needed that. I was half a. OK. So after you awaken from your Twizzler coma, let's say that that's enough time for- Oh, do we actually pass out?
Starting point is 00:41:30 I think you pass out for a little while. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Let's say that's enough time for- Butter in these Twizzlers. For Link to have slam- So you're gonna be at the shore. Yeah, I was gonna say, for you to reach the shore. You guys are waiting at the shore, you're just waving.
Starting point is 00:41:42 You're just like, where is he? Like, where is he? Wait, there! It's like it's- At first you just see the fucking ripples from the waves and you don't even shore. You're just waving. It's like, where is he? Like, where is he? Wait, there! It's like, it's otherworshipping. First, you just see the fucking ripples from the waves, and you don't even know what you're comprehending. Something's coming, guys.
Starting point is 00:41:50 Look, on the horizon, it's just like a spray of paperwork. Yes, you see this wave, and it's been about, I'll say, like, nine heaven hours, because I've been swimming across the whole ocean. You see the fucking spray of paper, and Link comes leaping out, now completely nude and bloody with thousands and thousands of paper cuts. He's just, he's, he's, he's swimming across town. There's one name in his mouth and he goes, hey guys, let's do this.
Starting point is 00:42:16 And as I was swimming for nine hours straight, just trying to get back to my friends, I just. Yeah, we've been here for a while. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I swam as fast as I could, I swam through. This guy swam longer than Freddy's dad. Oh shit. Oh fuck. As I was just swimming through endless
Starting point is 00:42:48 just names, just every person who's ever lived just lives and dreams and hopes and you know at the end of the day everybody's like, let's just do our best. I'm just saying like we've all Yeah, it's just guys, it's just I feel like I've been so hard on myself
Starting point is 00:43:04 or hard, it's like everybody's like, at the feel like I've been so hard on myself or hearts like everybody's like at the end of day We're all just we're all just paper and the wind getting kicked by the foot of a really strong six foot three soccer player. So like It's fine. Beautiful man. It's just fine. I don't know I felt like before I was like we're all just dust and I was like all miserable about it I still kind of found but like also at the same time. Maybe that's just what anyways. I just had a lot I just had a really big experience. So you're saying that you're long swimmed through every name of human existence. Everyone who's lived, breathed, and died on this Earth
Starting point is 00:43:30 has given you great, profound insight. Did you find any weapons that could kill God? No, but I did find this one, we were on the same page, Taylor, I knew what you were thinking anyway. Let's get an army of warriors. And as I was swimming, I was looking through, I found some names that seemed pretty strong, but not that strong, but then I was like,
Starting point is 00:43:45 you know what's better than an army of warriors? One strong warrior. So here he is. I got the perfect one, pretty sure. And I hold up, what's his name again? Chugs Macrame. Chugs Macrame. Holy shit, his name is ready on top of this list.
Starting point is 00:44:01 My guy can barely look at it. How did you find such a powerful treasure, Link? Well, the dolphins taught me how to swim in water and also look for strong warriors. It says occupation accountant. There's going to be an accountant in the books of heaven today, my friends. Link, I'm really proud of you. It seems like you really used that time wall to reflect. And so for that, you can put this sticker right next to your octopus sticker. And I hand you a sticker that says 100.
Starting point is 00:44:28 It says, good job. Oh, 100 good job. It's a 100 good job sticker. That's because you did a good job. Thanks, guys. That's really cool. So next time you feel like you're not doing a good job, you look at that and you'll be like,
Starting point is 00:44:38 I know how to do a good job. Hey, guys, speaking of doing a good job or a bad job, now I'm looking at this guy as an accountant, I think I did bad. No, we don't know. Grandma! I feel like we shouldn't bring this port. That's pretty good, scary.
Starting point is 00:44:51 Thanks. I feel like we shouldn't drag this port innocent man into this fight against God. Grandma, and I hand Mercedes O'Garcia. Yeah, we already got Great Warrior. I found her as Mercedes. I found, first of all, I found her. Grandma, we're gonna go confront Willie.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Can you look and see if this chugs guy is legit and if he is bring him back and if not come back and help us? Sure. That's a good call. Hey, you know what? I made a mistake. Not a problem, grandson.
Starting point is 00:45:15 Okay. It happens. Yeah, right? It happens. It happens. Yeah. And you move forward. Move forward.
Starting point is 00:45:22 All right. Let's go kill God. Shit happens. Or Willie, let's stop calling him God. That gives him power. Fuck that guy. Let's go kill God. Shit happens. Or really, let's stop calling him God. That gives him power. Fuck that guy. Let's go kill Willy. Dumb name.
Starting point is 00:45:28 What a dumb name, Will. Will. Will. What an idiot. Seems like somebody might be some cool guys with that name. Some cool guys. You know, Willie Nelson.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka killed kids. Kids? Nothing cooler than that. Yeah,. Kids. Nothing cooler than that. Yeah, he is. Nothing cooler than that. OK. Wait, before we go, guys, have we taken like four seconds to think about how the fuck we
Starting point is 00:45:52 expect to kill God? Yeah, it took nine hours thinking about it. Well, and then you come up with an accountant. But like, us, guys, what's the strategy here? Well, I... Go. Scary. I think somebody's got to become God.
Starting point is 00:46:03 I think we've got to get one of us on that throne. I got it. Wait, good call. Because you can sneak onto it. They always say to kill monsters, lest you become monsters. But they never said, if you're going to kill God, don't become God.
Starting point is 00:46:14 Because obviously, that would be pretty cool to become God. So I think you're right. Like, if you become God to kill God, then it's a good idea. So battle not with monsters, lest you become a monster. Which means to battle a monster, you've got to become a monster. That's true. So that sounds like we need to run a diversionary tactic to get one of us, me, on the throne of God.
Starting point is 00:46:28 And if you're on the throne, we're all on the throne because we're married. That's true. That's true. We all have one soul, I think. I don't know how it works. According to heaven, under the eyes of God, we are united as one. Guys, that was all a trick, by the way. I did find the most powerful warriors and I hold up our marriage certificate from that reminds me I once again about her me who is he still with us what's going on with her me like
Starting point is 00:46:55 really stay with her me too you didn't ask for him from heaven you cast him as a spell so he is still with you and he goes now I'm used to this by now yeah I know I'm sorry what is he still think he's like Willie you need to like get out of like that character? No, I should have free ones dude left. Oh man Okay, maybe we could use her me to gaslight Willie into thinking he's her me and he's forgotten Well, what do you mean her me? I mean Willie her Me her me her will do you think you could act so hard you, Willie, her, her, her, me, her, me, her, me. Do you think you could act so hard you could convince someone else that you were them and they were you and you had gone too deep?
Starting point is 00:47:32 No. Yeah. Yeah. Normal. That seems pretty fucking wild. Even my friend. No, I know. It's just in the situations where it's like, Oh, don't shoot the real one. Which one's the real one? Like the person knows who they are. It's like the other people don't. I don't know, you know? When that happened to me, I really didn't.
Starting point is 00:47:48 That's true, that's true. Hey, it was a good idea. Just like an accountant was, you know, maybe an idea. No, no, you don't have to. You don't have to feel bad for that. We can all make stupid ideas. Well, I still think it was a good idea. Just seemed like the world wasn't ready for it.
Starting point is 00:48:01 It was a good idea. Yeah. There we go. It's not right for the moment. That's fair. The right idea at the wrong time. Wait, or Hermey can still, like, I've got a stupid idea.
Starting point is 00:48:11 I'll have a stupid idea that makes me feel better. Yeah, it's okay to have stupid ideas. That's what this is. Yeah. What if we got Hermey to like, suffocate Willy while pretending to be a body of water because Willy's real scared. I don't think I can pretend to be bodies of water.
Starting point is 00:48:26 Don't some of you have- That's small actor brain thinking. Don't some of you have spells for creating and destroying water or something? Or you could just like- No, that's one of those useful- No Moe, you're right, your idea wasn't stupid. Ha ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:48:39 Like scary, like, cause the water thing is, you're saying that he is scared of water. Yeah. So that does seem useful. He doesn't want to be submerged in water. Doesn't want to be submerged in water. Because he's a little baby, he doesn't wanna swim. Is there a large body of water in heaven?
Starting point is 00:48:54 I mean, besides the paper? Yeah, but it's not really water. That doesn't really count though, right? Well, can we change the paper into water? Do we have a spell to do that? So I have a spell called create or destroy water. Ooh. I can create up to 10 gallons.
Starting point is 00:49:09 OK. Doesn't seem like enough to submerge a fully grown man. Mercy says, I don't know. That seems like a lot if you could keep his head still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A dunk, right? If you can somehow get the head, is it enough to submerge your head? Like a swirly.
Starting point is 00:49:21 Or a waterboarding scenario. Wasn't somebody talking that, like, there was swimming pools or something in heaven Taylor was telling us about his friend that you know no offense that Mrs. Oaks Garcia shot that did a lot in pools like several pools the swimming could teleport him to the piss pool but here's the problem is that once we get him in there he's in a room where then he can also imagine whatever he wants. Yeah, no, we need water here. 10 gallons is something I wonder do we have like a multiplying spell? No, we need to hold the 10 gallons in something. Okay, so but fortunately, I think my teeny the teen head would hold that
Starting point is 00:50:01 much water if we sealed it up. Trapping Oh, trapping him in a head of water. This sounds like a job. That's medieval shit. For hot glue. And then I plug in my glue gun to heat it up, to seal, to caulk and seal. Sorry, there's no outlets in heaven. Hey, hey, hey, I have a glue gun that has an internal store battery so that you can turn it on.
Starting point is 00:50:22 Please, you think I rock a glue gun that doesn't have an internal store battery I thought you were about to say that we should hold the piss in our bladders No, no, it was looking and then drown him in our bladders We waterboard we train him to be a surgeon. He cuts us open surprise. There's pace Surprise there's pace Okay, so normal draws his cordless glue gun and I would like to seal the teen high helmet now I don't know if I actually have it with me anymore. We've been fast and loose about whether I have this thing Here's what you probably have is you probably have a travel size deployable collapsible. Oh, yes. I've got the mark five with me
Starting point is 00:51:01 You can fuck five with me. Like the one in the suitcase like in fucking Iron Man 2. Yeah, I take out my suitcase Iron Man Teen of the Teen outfit and I take the head and I caulk it with glue to try to seal it as watertight as I can. I love the idea, here's how it works, is that it's one of those ones where the head collapses into a flat thing and you go, and it pops out of nowhere. Perfect. So it is now basically the neck stump has been closed? No, it's just I want the eyes got there's a mask for me to breathe in
Starting point is 00:51:27 Everything you hold that up with glue and then I test whether or not it can hold ten gallons of water Okay, I think water weighs a lot by the way Yeah We would we would do like I would know where we get this in heaven like almost like a silicone seal So you're like sink your head in and then it would like see what we hold him upside down in the water We get our way to get him upside down, but it upside down baby good we could just like slam it on his head yes that's true oh you know what we could do is a little bit of paper and mache because we got all that paper oh yeah no it was the best thing to hold
Starting point is 00:51:56 water in his paper I'm pure mache I think I also think that Taylor has like cosplay arts and craft skills. Normally I always want to make something with you in the cosplay sense. Really? Yes. Okay, well let's... Because I've always thought the costume could have some, you know, improvements. Well let's not say things we can't take back, Taylor.
Starting point is 00:52:17 Yeah, what we'd like to do is fashion a basically like a perfect like neck seal around this thing. Like a sparklet's jug. a basically like a perfect like neck seal around this thing like a Sparklet's jug you could essentially like with one quick move Tip it over onto his head and he would be like the base of the sparklet's jug and we only need for a second Right because we're just trying to distract him to get onto the throne of God at which point Yeah, but if we drown him so much the better. Yeah Yeah, does it have like a Jan sport backpack or anything? Do we mean like like better materials And y'all teens got a Jansport? Yeah I do. I don't know why you asked if I'm gonna say that. Sure, why not? I was thinking you could use like the fabric of a backpack like to be the hole or whatever. Yeah we're gonna just try to scrounge
Starting point is 00:52:57 miscellaneous fabrics. I've got a bunch of patches on my jeans because you know they were all shredded and you know I was like aw patches mom, I was thinking those burned jeans look pretty cool. Yeah, thanks. Did you burn them yourself or do you buy them like that? Well, you know some mysteries are better left. I bought them That's cool. Give me a roll to see how well you can construct this. What would that be like survival? Yeah, like science lab roll like this is like a slab. Yeah, it's like high school I feel like fourth edition. I feel like for fourth edition I need a science I rolled a 19 great so you make a human sparklet jug so that once that thing goes on somebody's head
Starting point is 00:53:34 It will submerge them entirely in water, but it will in the meantime leak no water great We step back like who can't believe we got that perfectly watertight with the available goods around us. The available goods and services. Ten gallons of water weighs 83 pounds. OK, good to know. Yeah. Could lift that easily. I bet you could. You're strong and capable. Oh, thank you.
Starting point is 00:54:03 We have step one. While we were doing this did Mercedes Maybe scout out to meet our good friend gooch Weatherfin or whatever his name was Chugs macrame Chugs Macrame Yeah, she hugs implies that this person knows his way around water Yeah, he does a lot about water. He goes yes yes, I'm an accountant and an Olympic pool swimmer. I love to swim in my spare time. Hi, I'm Chugs Macrame.
Starting point is 00:54:27 And he holds out his hand. How much of a warrior does Chugs Macrame look like? He looks like an Olympian, an Olympian. Like, was he on the 100? These are, oh, it's several minutes. I go real slow. It's slow as they rinse the race. I like to like to do some light cardio every so every so often well chugs mr. Chugs
Starting point is 00:54:46 I I swam through all these wearing glass got a big old mustache. He looks extremely intimidating I swam through all the the names of heaven wowie and I Was looking for the strongest warrior and I I grabbed your name and I told my friends that you were the strongest warrior Did I make a mistake? I think that was very flattering. I think I'm a great warrior when it comes to number crunching Hey, we never know Bring him in. Do you want to fight God with us? Oh do I? I would love to be there for your final battle. Chugs heads, join the party!
Starting point is 00:55:23 Chugs joins the party dog! Chugs you The party dogs you're in choice level 20 accountant. Yeah Anything requires math numbers or swimming tells us that ten gallons weighs 80. Yeah. Yeah. Hey Chuck's how much does ten gallons weigh 83 pounds? At least two people even ask him ten gallons of He knew. He knew we were talking about water. He's smart. He listens to his clients. Of piss, of course. 10 gallons. Well, cool. We got Chugs. We got Mercedes. Hey, Chugs, I have a lot of freelance work coming in.
Starting point is 00:55:53 Should I be doing those as 1099s or is it worth starting an S-Corp? I'm definitely starting an S-Corp. And they do a lot of things that are not quite legal to make your tax income seem less than it is. that are not quite legal to make your tax income seem less than it is. Chugs. Chugs is like there's a difference between tax avoidance and tax fraud.
Starting point is 00:56:11 Like guys, like I knew Chugs was a warrior as well. All right, Chugs. All right, Chugs, you're in. I guess the plan now is we attack Willy. Yeah. I think we just attack the throne of God and we'll, if Willy doesn't show up, then great, then we just hop on it.
Starting point is 00:56:26 But assuming Willie does show up. Assuming Willie's there, which we have to assume. Yeah, he'd be an idiot not to be. Okay. We'll throw this on his head. Well, I guess he is now then. I had other plans. Is there a roof over heaven?
Starting point is 00:56:39 No. Is there a roof over the wind? No, heaven goes all the way up. It's like the thing you say with your high will. I was just going to say, I was just going to say, if there's some way to get someone above, like hanging above, we could cast Spider Climb on someone. We could get a spider boy above with Do is drop down onto Willie with that could we like commandeer an angel well I can use my familiar
Starting point is 00:57:17 I've got one you got familiar familiar Scary whistles I can't whistle so it's just imagine imagine there's the yeah, it sounds like that. You're such a good whistler Thanks, and you see rogue come back Yep, and he's like puff the magic dragon not puff the magic dragon. Um, he's trying he's like the neverending story He's huge But he can get small if he wants. What's a familiar?
Starting point is 00:57:47 What do you mean? What? How's this guy come from? Where's this good boy come from? Wait, do we all get pets in heaven? Like two sentences. What's the whole deal with this? Two sentences?
Starting point is 00:57:55 Well, Taylor, what's your right? I'm just saying summarize it for anyone who might be, you know, like a little bit lost. So I'm curious what's going on. Yeah, sure. So when Ron looked at me right before he went into jail or whatever, he gave me the fine familiar spell. And I said it in that episode.
Starting point is 00:58:13 You did. You did. I'll troll the tape. And so Ron whistles, because I have Pact of the Chain, I have the fine familiar spell. I'm not going to use it, but I have a familiar now We see you like a pet. This is yours. He's like a pet but he's so much more than that I feel like I'm not okay. I feel like this could have come in handy before now
Starting point is 00:58:36 Okay, I'm kind of scared of dogs, okay Yeah, he is like a hundred people in front of us yeah, that's yeah Yeah, he still got blood in all of his friends. So you know what they say? It's always the owner, not the dog. So it probably was Rod's fault. He's OK to not be on a leash. So friendly, oh, maybe too friendly.
Starting point is 00:59:04 So he's great. This is good. Rogue can fly? Rogue can fly. So we can like airdrop this fricking. Yes, one of us will be on Rogue, will dive off and airdrop onto Willy the Sparklet's Jug. He won't even see it coming because the rest of us are keeping him busy on the ground.
Starting point is 00:59:18 And then while all that's going on. I'll stealth in and get onto the throne of God. Taylor makes a sneaky play for heaven. I think scary wanted to go on the throne. No, it's okay, I don't want that. You guys want like rock, paper, scissors it? Here's my point. We should all try.
Starting point is 00:59:33 I'm gonna do a set. I think you two should rock, paper, scissors it. I'm gonna incite. I'm saying we should all try. That's true, that's true. I'd like to roll an insight on whether Taylor wants the throne a little too bad. Please do.
Starting point is 00:59:43 Please do. 21. Taylor, you have to tell the truth. Is he a boar? Is this boar beer? Like, are you? Yes. Yes. This is 100%.
Starting point is 00:59:51 But what could I do once I'm on that? I could remake the world. I could remake the world in my image. Hey, Taylor, I feel like maybe, like, I just, you know, being God's a lot of responsibility. Yeah. And I feel like maybe, like. You wouldn't have as much time to watch anime.
Starting point is 01:00:06 Yes, you wouldn't. That's the fucking dumbest shit I've ever heard. God, Taylor is the best. Taylor, Taylor, don't listen to these idiots. You're the best and the strongest of us. I wink at the other dude like, chill, you got to take the right approach. Yeah, no, you can go throw them.
Starting point is 01:00:20 No, you should definitely do the throne of God because you're the strongest and the best warrior of us. Obviously, obviously. Oh man, I just really worried that I'm going to mess up the hardest part of the job, honestly, which is this airdrop, this final strike against Willie, this massive anime. Can you remind like it's just such a big I'm trying to think about like I'm going to look down, I'm just flying on a flying dog with a weapon crafted in heaven when I'm going
Starting point is 01:00:42 to eat and put it on the head of God and I just is there any anime because it Sounds like there's an enemy thing when you look down Taylor's hand is already on top of your hand in a comforting like hey man Just chill and then his other hand he's zipping up his flies like added a little bit of piss to the Taylor juice I was one oh yeah That gave me a little bad Taylor juice. I was one. Oh, yeah Juice this one up before the final lie I wasn't concerned about the level of liquid in Don't worry, Link. I made that little Taylor spice Look, we need you to do the big drop
Starting point is 01:01:15 Come here, Rogue And Taylor's not like covered in blood Rogue, you and me He was covered in blood Cause he nuzzled Rogue. Oh, when Rogue's covered in blood. You're right Link! I am the strongest warrior of you all.
Starting point is 01:01:32 And it is only fitting that two of the strongest go to the spoils of war. Scary! You'll be the one to make a break for the throne. But after you're done, I just want like five to ten seconds on the throne. That's cool. Thanks anyway Yeah, I'll have a rogue if you will let me well, he's my familiar, so I don't know how that would work
Starting point is 01:01:52 Well you two maybe both fly on rogue Airdrop onto Willie and you airdrop onto the throne. I just give rogue basic obedience You know like commands or you know really? basic obedience, you know, like commands, or you know, really requests. You like, sit, stay, fly, that kind of thing. And as long as he can hear me, maybe he'll do it. There we go. That makes sense to me.
Starting point is 01:02:12 Okay. And then the rest of us will fight Willy while Garry tries to get on the throne. Or I mean, I guess we all will try to get on the throne, but we'll prioritize, like that's the play though. Like we're doing like a, you know, a play. What could go wrong? There's a real fucking Hail Mary path, but don't worry when you got captain Taylor on the helm
Starting point is 01:02:30 There's only one way this can go Tits up, baby Saying that my whole life shouldn't say it either it's rude This is weird just aggressive thing to say This explains quite a lot. All right before we do this. Yes chunks crunch the numbers That's rude. It's just a weird, just aggressive thing to say. For no reason. This explains quite a lot. All right, before we do this.
Starting point is 01:02:47 Yes. Chugs, crunch the numbers. What's our odds of success? But also never tell us. He's already got the really long manual calculator. We have to go, like, and pull the lever and it keeps making us pay for it. Chugs appears to be in the town from a different era.
Starting point is 01:03:00 He's from the 1920s. Oh my God. And he goes, looks like you can make five cents on every dollar. I don't know if I would say that this is the most profitable enterprise I've ever seen, but I believe in you kids. Oh, wow. OK, your voice changed. Because I'm from the 1920s now.
Starting point is 01:03:13 I just realized that. Once he goes into accounting mode, he just becomes a different person. Well, you've heard a counted voice. It sounds like this. Chugs, you're all right. I know. So Chugs, what are you going to do during the fight? I've got to crunch the numbers, I guess.
Starting point is 01:03:27 I don't know. What the fuck do you want me to do? We need to do a little less crunching the numbers and a little more crunching them bones. Yeah. All right. I guess I'll dig deep into my swimming and accounting background and put up my dukes and see if I can fight
Starting point is 01:03:40 against the heavenly host of God. We, hey, hey bud,, little less to add to, we asked you if you wanted, we asked you, we asked if you wanted to come and fight God and you said yeah, it's like if you don't, you don't have to, but like, you know, if you're in, you're in. Now here's the thing, Hermi.
Starting point is 01:03:57 Mm, somebody's got a name? Hermi Two, Hermi Two. We gotta remind ourselves every five seconds. I'm still Hermi baby where it counts. Hermi Two. I still have to where it it counts he says patting himself on the head Hermi to what perhaps the most difficult role you'll need to convince Willie that I am down there Not flying. Oh You really think he's gonna notice if you're not around. Yeah
Starting point is 01:04:22 He's gonna notice if you're not around. Yeah Taylor doesn't hear any of that my Presence will be sorely missed that sort of cocky swagger. He'll clock it immediately Do you think you have what it takes? Yeah, I think her we should act exactly and I don't know any turn you suddenly He's behind you goes can I? It looks like you know my god what a looker He looks like you now. My God, what a looker. Yeah, you gotta see, you gotta look at yourself sometimes. Gosh, I gotta say, this is really impressive.
Starting point is 01:04:48 Just the pecs, the aesthetic, the pork pie. What's going on? I'm seeing myself. What's going on? I'm seeing myself. What's going on over here? What's going on? Turn around real quick, let me see what I look like.
Starting point is 01:04:56 Oh wow. What's going on? Hey, this thing, go love to watch you leave. They're both leaving Joe. Who is Joe? All right, let's go, let's go. This is too much, let's go. Step one, separate Taylor and Erme, and then step two, we fight God. Let's go. This is too much. Let's go step one separate Taylor and Ermi and then step two
Starting point is 01:05:07 Okay, so I'm gonna say that as you approach the throne of God You can get to a place where you can see what's going on, but they can't see you just for the sake of We sneak up. Yeah, you sneak up Taylor in the sky as high up as that's right I gave a Taylor a little tiny mirror so we can do a little mirror You do a little signal mirrors to each other So we like we look at this guy you see nothing, but you see a little flash mirror so we can do a little signal mirror to each other. So we like we look at this guy, you see nothing, but he see a little flash. It's like the little team rocket lens flare coming at you and perfect Morse code,
Starting point is 01:05:31 which Taylor studied once. So, Taylor, you see and then translate to Morse code for the rest of the group. Willie is pacing back and forth in front of the throne of God. His hair is disheveled. He looks unhinged. He for all the world looks like a man who has lost what mattered most to him, which was power. You see 10 angels floating around him.
Starting point is 01:05:48 You also see a bunch of other humanoid figures next to him. And when you squint, you realize a raid around him are all of your parents, Grant, Marco, the rest of them. Even, even, even scary as biological dad is here. And you hear Willie say, your fucking kids ruined everything. And I'm not going to take it out on them because that's too fucking easy. What I'm going to do instead is he snaps his fingers and all of your parents start to bribe in agony on the ground. They start to scream, they start to squeal, tears run down their faces.
Starting point is 01:06:19 He's doing something to them that is hurting them very badly. And he looks up into the sky, he screams, he says, you took dude from me. You took my only ability to be a god. He took the one thing that mattered the most to me. So I'm going to take the one thing that matters the most from you. I'm going to spend the rest of my fucking eternal life up in heaven torturing your parents. And if I see a single one of you, they're going to die.
Starting point is 01:06:38 So you either get to live the rest of your life knowing that I'm torturing your parents and it's your fault for taking away dude. Or you get to try and attack me and do whatever stupid plan you you've got planned and I'm gonna kill them right in front of you So it's up to you kids and just to prove I'm serious Okay, so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna write down one two three four five six seven eight nine ten I think there's roughly ten people that are all of your parents and I'm gonna roll a d10 right now And then he's going to kill one of them random Wait like every like so Marco to like all of our parents, all of your parents.
Starting point is 01:07:08 OK, like really, really like for real killing them. Yeah. OK, so he is going to snap his fingers and one of your parents is going to be dead, permanently dead, not in heaven, not in hell, just nothing and nowhere. And that parent is normal's mom. So Rebecca disappears entirely. And he goes, your move. No one knows us better than ourselves. Used to tell myself it'll be all right. Pretty lies, let me sleep at night.
Starting point is 01:07:50 I know that no one knows me better than myself. And I know I'll get this right. It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, make, steal and borrow Break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today.
Starting point is 01:08:27 I don't need to sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, as Lincoln Lee Wilson, Anthony Burch as our DM, Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlo and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez as our content producer, Asha Nicolette as our community manager, Courtney Terry as our community coordinator, Cindy Denton as our merchandise manager, Esther Els as our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing including the intro for this week's episode, Robin Rapp is our transcriber.
Starting point is 01:09:07 Our show is supported by a Patreon and our Patreon contains names like Elana Grossman, Wally Clark, Annie, Crystal Denton, Simon Schoenbeck, Michael Munford, Georgia Bowers, SJB, Corey Gassett, Patrick Tanner, Riley Wesson, Maddie Christensen, Nancy Chancey, Rasmus Arendtoft, Allie, Ivy Gore, Nathan Dowie, Ridley, Grace Perrine, and Michael B. Keen. Can you feel it? We're getting close to the end of Season 2, but don't fear, there's plenty of content for you to consume on our Patreon.
Starting point is 01:09:33 That's at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. On it you will find all sorts of bonus episodes, bonus one-shots, our after show, Talking Dad for Season 1, and Teen Talk for Season 2. I can hardly recommend our numerous one-shot mini miniseries, some of which are tied into the story of this show, like at the mountains of dadness which is played in the Call of Cthulhu system, and others of which have nothing to do with the show, such as all that jizz. A Star Wars one. It's a Star Wars miniseries and it's as horny as hell, dawg.
Starting point is 01:09:59 Find that and more at our Patreon, patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Merch shop is back, so head on over to our website at DungeonsandDads.com. Click on the link to the store at the top, get yourself the Deck of Daddy things, which is back in stock, the Odyssey dice set, and numerous items of apparel. Our next episode is coming at you March 26th. We will see you then. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no not today We live for tomorrow, bake, steal and borrow, break where we can't change We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no not today I don't need to sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way
Starting point is 01:10:43 I'll be on my way

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