Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 8 - Slumber Party Mayorssacre

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

Lincoln lets his friends in on some important information as the teens have a slumber party to plan. This episode contains profanity, violence, and sexual content, and body horror. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Summer's almost here, San Dimas, and you know what that means. It's time for Centrist Vegan Ice Cream. Hi, I'm Rebecca Swallows-Oak-Garcia, substitute government teacher, mother of a very special boy, and founder of Swallows Vegan Ice Cream Parlor, where we love making you smile almost as much as we love bipartisanship. Reach across the aisle for a tasty scoop of our deficit-friendly flavors like Middle of the Road, Status Quo-Yo, and new Neoliberal-Politan featuring three types of vanilla. And don't forget our means-tested toppings bar where you can make a reasonable amount of incremental changes to your order.

Whether you're socially liberal and fiscally conservative, fiscally liberal and socially conservative, or if you just aren't that interested, we're sure to have something that'll make you say, wow, the system works. Maybe that's why San Dimas' very own mayor calls Swallow's Ice Cream Parlor a valued contributor to the committee to re-elect the mayor. Look, my fellow San Demons, let's be reasonable. Does my vegan ice cream have problems? Of course it does. But the only alternatives are communism and fascism, so come on in for two scoops of compromise at Sw his vegan ice cream where both sides are yum welcome to dungeons and daddies not a bdsm podcast this is the story of four teens searching

for their lost dads in a world forever changed after their granddads fucked it up and unleashed an eldritch god. This is them correcting the mistakes of the previous generation. These are their stories. These. Doink, doink. Doink, doink. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Lenny Briscoe, the hard, scrambled cop on the New York Police Department.

Hard, scrambled cop. These partner Ben and Jim and Brad help solve crimes. Hard, scrambled cop. Throwing Zaws down nonstop. Yes. Triple word scores. My namerabble Cop. Helps him solve crimes. Hard Scrabble Cop. Throwing Zaws down non-stop. Getting triple word scores. My name's Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the Hard Scrabble Anime Teen Ranger.

Hey, now that's a great spin-off series for the Lord of the Rings movie. Teen Ranger. Aragorn Teen Ranger. Aragorn, Teen Ranger. That's pretty good. I'd watch it. Get on an Amazon. Taylor's rad teen fact for this week. I mentioned previously a little thing called a blankie we're getting to the blankie already i'm in the blankie is not a blanket it is in fact a body pillow with two anime ladies on both sides my god and two on both like so four all together i'm seeing double four anime ladies four all

together or two all together four all together that's right but like a different sort of like smorgasbord of moods so he flips it depending on like you know what the ambience the aura the vibe of the room he wants to what do you mean because how many vibes can there be yeah and then it's weird like seems like one general kind of company there's not a four-sided pillow, so it's like, are there four vibes or two vibes? Is one pillow one side, like a happy girl and a sad girl? It's actually a trick body pillow. It's the same on both sides.

It's like two faces going. Oh, so there's a fire, and one of the sides of the body pillow gets burned. Can you take off the cover and turn it inside out, and there's eight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember those pens when you were kids that had like seven four colors yeah and then you press two colors the opposite side they get jammed up you know i can't use any of these are they from an anime no matt

they're just anime girls okay are they oc what are they i'm just wondering because then there's there's no possibility that your mom might do the dub i one of the characters. I'm answering your question. No. Okay, so you know how Hello Kitty is not an anime, right? Like, Hello Kitty was like a series. It's not hot. It's not hot. Whoa, speak for yourself, Beth. Some of us like some personality in a girl. Yeah, so it's like Hello Kitty, right?

Sanrio is this company that just shits out cutesy characters that fit on keychains. Obviously, in the future, the anime aesthetic is so beloved that you can have hello kitty-esque fabrio yeah hello kitty-esque characters that are unlicensed for any shows but are characters unto themselves which by the way kind of already is the case you have like miku right who's like a vocaloid character that doesn't really have a show that she's a job she's a singer she

does concerts she's a person dude hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson a schooled at home soccer kid who's a protective paladin of the group i guess this is kind of more of a grant fact but a little fact about lincoln here this morning he woke up in a sweat because he he kind of just like had that usual suspects moment where kind of like everything kind of clicked after hear about and he just realized like wait a second yeah he was like wait a second like every time they do like movie nights and they take turns like who picks movies and he's like wait grant's favorite movies were like the wall and maturity and candidate and and american sniper and sniper one and sniper two and sniper three and

enemy at the gates like every single movie. The entire Sniper directed DVD series. And he's like, wait a second, he was really bad at math, and he didn't like to teach me math, but he was really good at predicting wind and the physics of objects dropping as they're going very quickly. You could always tell how far away something was. He was far away something.

He'd be really specific. Whenever he'd look at something far away, it would be very specific yardages. He told me how to throw a baseball with a Cori once and like he broke his glasses and grant could just like literally create optics he could just carve glass to like be the thing he was like well dad you're like really quite the renaissance man he's like not a thing grant says like i'm really just gonna one thing he's like what is that it's like oh nothing i didn't mean that. I didn't mean anything. You didn't mean your dad. That fax of an assault rifle finally came in, like, after years. So to make it about Lincoln, though, one of the few things that he was actually well taught in homeschool is that he's not good at math or a lot of things, but he's very good because the guy would use it to, like, explain, like, how to, like, kick, like, long distance shots, like, for free kicks.

He's very good at just, like, kind of knowing the wind and stuff. Just, like, estimating. He's good at, like, he'd probably beating distances. Yeah, so he's kind of like, he'd probably be pretty good at basketball too in a windy environment, I guess, if that was a thing. And then in the future, they go, we play windy basketball. Basketball courts are now four times longer

and you play outdoors in the wind. Hey everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Norm Oak, plain Jane, run of the mill, garden variety, ordinary teen. My normal fact for normal this week is that he likes Marvel movies. Oh, this hurts. He thinks they're pretty good, but he thinks they're a little too wide. Yeah, that's a good opinion.

It's a pretty normal opinion. Right down the middle. I don't think any of the three friends here could find much to say about that opinion one way or the other. Mission accomplished. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks. She's a really high-level warlock.

So high-level. Just keeps leveling up. Fun fact about Scary. Last year, Scary really wanted to get a tongue ring, and her mom said no. So she, to kind of simulate it she put a binder clip on the tip of her tongue great her mom probably had the argument of like oh you'll have a lisp or something you know one of those problem or swallow it or like you know one of those mom reasons why you can't get things damage the back of your teeth

yeah or something but to prove that she could handle it, she put on a binder clip on the tip of her tongue, but ended up cutting the circulation off at the tip of her tongue and had to go to the nurse's office with like a bluish black tongue, which she thought was equally cool until the circulation came back and her tongue was a normal tongue again. She was cool for a minute there. Yeah.

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. Hey, daddy. Hi. Just more high school memories. The first movie I ever made ever in my whole life was a book project where you had to prove that you read a book by making a little fake movie trailer for the book. And that book was Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby. And that's the first thing I ever did. That made me want to make movies with my friends that I would end up making movies with for the

rest of my high school career. I can't remember. I've talked about this on the podcast before, but there's an incredible treasure tro of my high school career. I can't remember. I've talked about this on the podcast before, but there's an incredible treasure trove of high school project videos on YouTube of specifically this scene from of mice. Oh my God. It's like a lot of kids have had to do exactly that for that scene from of mice and men. And it's just like,

just seeing the sound effect for the gun. It's just, it is literally like a perfect punchline. If you're a teenager, you have to do a video about my son. There's only one scene. Teachers should know. What are you doing? I have a feeling it's probably not

a very sensitive depiction. No, probably not. The first video thing I did was an Oswald book and it was of the old man in the sea and I was just in my parents' swimming pool on a float like, where's this fish? Fuck, that's really good. That probably still kills.

Shit. Some of you may have noticed that last episode we didn't roll for left-handedness or for whether or not Scary jerked off. Regarding the latter, the next time Scary chooses to use the Kellogg knife, or I guess the first time, we'll roll for every episode

that we did not roll for jerking off. That's also just more dramatically interesting. Regarding the left-handed dying thing. We got a complaint from the national left-handed.

Of which I am the president. Yeah, so Beth specifically didn't want us doing that anymore. No, it's not Beth. It's not Beth. It was just like, eh. Well, can we do one more?

Let's just do one more that just covers for the rest. Sure. Okay. Just do a hundred rolls right now. Actually, I'll roll a D100. It's the future. We finally fixed things.

They made everybody right-handed. Today, today, today, Scary gets her surgery to become right-handed like everybody should be. To become a righty.

So this is the last day she has to roll to see if she dies or not. So let's say... If she dies in surgery. So what episode is this? Eighth? This is episode eight.

Okay, so assuming that we get to 68.5 episodes, that means I'll roll 60 more times on the D100. And if any of them have 00 next to each other, that means Scary dies at some point. Oh, wait. The only really good is if she dies on that episode. So you know what episode Scary has to die on. 51, 52, 53.

What happened? This is the worst. I'm sorry, Beth. I'm sorry I dragged you into this. Please kill the only woman on your podcast. I beg you. So what I was looking for was any time where there are two zeros next to one another.

And there was a zero next to a nine. So you were one away from having died in four episodes. Oh, wow. So now we know that you're not going to die anytime in the next 60 episodes, hypothetically. At least not if being left-handed. But a couple close calls, you said. A couple close calls.

Not from being left-handed. Not from being left-handed. Because you're right-handed now. I leave that character position to you. You're going down the path I can't follow. No, you will be lefty and proud forever. Yes. Last episode, you found Grant.

Grant was not having a great time, but he told Link that he wanted Link to not be anything like him. That's the way that he can make his dad happy, is by not loving him and by not being anything like him. And also, the current government teacher who is normal's mom, Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia told you that the mayor is coming to the school for a visit. And shortly thereafter, Agent Mayhales, your number two, showed up in a never been kissed style, pretending to be a teen outfit, pulled you all aside and said that you're going to have to kill the mayor because

the mayor is on the sauce. Or sorry, the mayor has the sauce. On the sauce means drunk. So she said we have to kill the mayor. Yes. So because you cast charm on Mrs. Swallow's-Oak-Garcia, you don't have to go back inside, but you can hear her from inside going, I actually thought it'd be a really interesting thing to have the mayor here to explain debate to all of you. Our mayor is generally known as one of the best debaters in the state. She was a president of her debate team in high school. And I thought it'd be kind of fun to do a mock debate between a group of, say, four of you and the mayor when she showed up. Can we stop talking about bears, right? Ms. Hale, you said kill the bears, correct? I'm like

panicked. I'm looking at you said kill the bears right now. Yes. Can we all go to the bathroom immediately, please? Is Scary going with you? Sure, I'll go. We all need to go right now. All right, well, as long as Scary's with you, she's cool, so I trust her around all of you. Also my son. I also trust my son. No, thanks, Mom.

I appreciate that. We all drink water at the same time in the morning. I know what that's like. Okay, please. It's a whole thing we do. Can we please go? I'll wait to tell you everything about the mayor until you get back from the bathroom don't worry we look at the rest of the kids right you're welcome for the break everybody just uh act normal and can we go into

our work you mean what daddy's headquarters yeah please okay what's going on bud everybody just act really cool and go down into the work. Okay, please. Link's being weird. I'm going to do a sense motive on Link. Yeah, give me some insight. I start walking desperately, waving everybody to come with me. So what's your insight roll? I got a one.

Who knows what's going on in Link's mind? No way of knowing. What a mysterious man. I'm following along. Are you guys all following? I decide to follow Link. Matt has an impish smile on his face. I don't.

Scary? Are you following Link? Yeah, I mean, as long as we get close to those doors again, I think good things are coming my way. If we have like, I know there's like girl problems, but I got like boy problems. A private space where nobody could hear us, like where our dads maybe talked about secrets,

like any place where like my parents are like, you know, gossips wouldn't hear about it. Just like any really quiet place. May Hale says like, there's a bathroom at daddy's HQ. There's a gross bathroom at Daddy's HQ. But like, we're like, there's a growth bathroom at Daddy's. I guess it's underground

so it'd be hard to like hear things like bad cell reception and all that stuff. Yeah, we are underground right now. So you zoom back to Daddy's HQ,

you show up next to the vending machine and she goes, yeah, I'll just lead you to the bathroom, sure. And there's a lock on the door on the inside. I know you guys love those.

Buddy, what's going on here? Hey guys, so this is gonna sound weird. I got growth on my back. I'm a little worried so i just really want to talk to all of you about this okay you want me to pop it and i say so whatever you do don't react to how gross this growth is okay okay on the piece of paper why are you writing stuff on a piece of paper guys i'm drawing a growth i'm drawing the growth why don't you

show us the growth i gotta draw it first hold on something's going on norm okay. Something's going on, Norm. Okay, I'm showing you the growth. You're right. I should be showing you the growth. But instead, I take a piece of paper and I write, the FBI are listening. What? I knew they were. I know. It's really gross, right?

Oh, my God. That's why, I mean, killing bears is one thing. But, like, this growth is pretty messed up. Just like what is the FBI stand for to you? The FBI? I don't think they can help this growth. I need to go to a doctor, not the FBI. And then I write, I'm sorry.

And I have tears in my eyes. I'm looking at all of you. I look at you, Taylor. I say your yellow bracelet was given to me. As you say that. No, I'm writing it. Sure. But they at you, Taylor, I say, your yellow bracelet was given to me by- As you say that. No, I'm writing it. Sure. But they heard you say FBI. Once I get a sense that something is afoot, I will aid my friends by saying, listen, I know how guys' minds work. It stands for female body inspector.

Okay, roll a deception with advantage. So that the FBI handler who's listening on this oh 17 first roll oh 20 the handler's like i've never heard that one there's a there's a shock you hear this shit yeah guys guys guys guys check this out female bodies so i write on the paper how can we help i write act like you saw a really gross growth that's metal as fuck i'm pointing up my bracelet like you this yeah i'm sorry it was just really scary and the growth was really oozing and gross and I was afraid if my one dad saw the growth I would lose both of my dads because one dad thought the growth was so gross he left and the other dad might be taken away because he did a bad job taking care of me I write is the bracelet cursed

I write I don't know how technology works it It's his, though. Just his bracelet. Just this? I'm like, what? It's just Taylor's bracelet? I'm going to try and take it off. Right. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. I'm like scribbling don't super quickly. I touch it and I cast remove curse, which is a third level abjuration.

I feel like it's not a curse curse. Okay. So it didn't work. Unfortunately, no. Where did this bracelet come from? Remember he just gave it to us? Remember when you specifically, Will Campo, said, Matt, if there's a fucking wire

in this bracelet, this is some FBI sting pot, and you fucking serpent code our asses, I'm going to be furious. Oh, no. God damn it. So for the audience,

the time we did that, like two days later the fbi just came up anthony gave me an email i'm not gonna say what but explaining what the fbi did to link wow so i'm gonna write audio video question mark i shrug and i say all i know is that you know i'm not really into hunting and like i know we got to kill some bears but i'm gonna go be careful about talking about killing bears sink and i'm gonna go to the sink. She might be careful about talking about killing bears. I'm gonna go to the sink and I'm gonna turn on the water and then run it over the bracelets the whole time. Hey, I assume they can't

hear me over this. Who? You're talking about bears? You're fine. Look, it's water. You can't no wait. Okay, I know whether or not they can hear you. But I'm turning on both faucets. Oh, well, then they definitely can't hear. Two faucets? That definitely destroys the might of the FBI. What does Ms. Hale do during all this?

She's outside. We're in the bathroom. She's waiting outside for you. Oh, I want her to come in and see all this. Okay. So she's there and she's like, It's fine. You can say whatever you want.

I'm running it underwater. Okay. Turn on that Dyson air hand washing thing. Oh, I press a button and turn on the Dyson Airblade 5000. Okay, anyway, so. But it's a motion sensor, so each of us need to keep going. Yeah, normal is waving his hand through the sensor over and over again. All right, so this should be enough to allow us to speak freely.

I shake my head and I plead and I write down, please, they will take Marco. God fucking damn it. What the fuck do you want me to do? All right, we have to remove a growth. Yeah. It's a big growth. It's going to be pretty hard to remove. And I personally have never removed a growth before.

So that's new. And maybe the growth is just, you know, with us now. And we still have to kill bears. But maybe, I don't know. I just don't want to get arrested for hunting when we're not supposed to be hunting but at the same time the bears are the mayor oh not the gross i mean the bear we have to kill a bear gross yes i write bear equals mayor and i write code word and like like smiley face like cool we're cool now since like growth is wigging you out so much, Norm, maybe we should have a whole list of words like growth that don't really mean the growth so that we don't have to say like what the growth is because you're so grossed out by it or whatever, like a pussy.

And so like, let's all like do this for Norm, guys, so that we can like talk freely but like not you know yeah i'm tired of these code words yeah the word growth really grosses me out what if we call the growth like something that is happy like the mayor so when we talk about the growth we just say the mayor okay okay so you got the mayor on your back. And we got to get rid of him. And you need to remove the mayor. So regarding mayor removal, there are many options potentially. I know there's some items we have around that it could maybe help. Will any of these items cause me to, for example, lose functionality in, let's say, my primary jerking at hand? Yeah, so that was what I was going to ask you. I don't know if we have anything necessarily that works on the kind of

growth that you have. Okay, then I'm out of ideas. I'm sorry to throw this all on you about my gross growth. I know it's just a man. It's not cool to see this stuff. Yeah, really jacked up fucker.

Could we maybe smash and break the growth? And they may not necessarily interpret that as something that happened intentionally. Maybe if we make it seem like I accidentally lost my growth, my mayor. Wait a second. Wait a second. But if the mayor on your back is listening, wouldn't it maybe be better if we like told a bunch of fake stuff to the mayor?

Wouldn't it maybe be better if we like told a bunch of fake stuff to the mayor? The mayor would think everything was okay, but really, you know, we would be doing other stuff, but the mayor wouldn't know about it. The fake thing is that we're all going on a hunting trip to kill a bear, right? Far, far away. I see what you're saying. I say we got to kill. Maybe the mayor is a problem we solve for later, but we're just aware of it while we're trying to kill the bear,

which I'm already scared about doing. Cause I don't want to kill anything. Taylor as a ranger wants to roll an insight check into this technology as somebody who has, you know, played around with hidden cameras and like GPS trackers and magnetic shit as a gadget kid. Insights about sensing motive and other people.

I feel like this might be more of an arcana. Let's say arcana technology Technology, essentially. Yes. 8 plus 2, 10. Okay. So with a 10, you can tell that it definitely has microphone in it in some way. It has the ability to do something not ideal. You can't tell exactly what it is.

When either removal is attempted or if it's triggered remotely. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. When removal is attempted. If they can tell that youesus fucking christ okay when removal is attempted so oh my god if they can tell that you attempt to remove it then they could possibly assuming they're monitoring it at that moment could trigger it i have an idea folks and i text my mom the fbi doesn't doesn't tap phones at all well i text my mom and i say hey can my friends come over for dinner so you get a text back being like, yeah, absolutely.

Smiley emoji. Aww. I text back, what's cooking, mom? So she texts back, I have to do a job for your favorite anime today, so I'll be home kind of late. So I was thinking I would just order pizza and have it ready for you when you got off school. Ugh! Fuck! What's wrong? My mom's not gonna be home.

Here's what I was thinking. I still have it underneath the thing, right? Still under the water. So I think I'm cool enough to have figured this out, so I'm going to act like they're not hearing me. It's like, listen, we can talk all we want. I'm effectively masking their auditory capability. The moment you say they probably don't hear,

I tackle you and I cover your mouth. Okay, so you roll strength, see if you can tackle him in time. I got 14 plus 3. Ooh, damn it. All right, so you tackle him to the ground and you put your hand over his mouth. What the fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

What are you doing? I was like, write it down. We can talk like we're writing it down. Don't speak like that. I see. Because if they know, they'll think Marco. Ms. Hale, can you bring one of those rolls of butcher paper in here? You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we have those. The presentational roll of butcher paper. Yeah, yeah. I got a lot of shit to clean up. And then I roll your sleeve over your bracelets. So if there is a camera or something, they're not seeing what we're writing. Okay, so she comes back with a big old thing of butcher paper and a bunch of Sharpies.

And now we continue our conversation, but it's all written now. It's all written. Hear that, Anthony? None of this is talking. The following is a transcript of the events that transpired. Yeah. I mean, if you guys ever did need to talk, I could like sing

one of my songs into Taylor's wrist so that like really loud so that they like wouldn't really hear over because like one, they'd probably be like paying attention.

I'd tackle you and I'd cover you around the moment she said they wouldn't really hear. I was like tackle. Do it again. Roll your athletics

and you roll acrobatics. God damn it. I kind of love it. I got a five. Okay. Again. Luke, stop tackling people. I got a five. Okay. Again. Stop tackling people. Get it together, man. Just write. The following is a transcript,

Anthony. I write on the piece of paper. Guys, I just had an idea. Have any of you seen that old movie Enemy of the State with Will Smith in it? No. Lincoln writes, is one of Grant's favorite,

and as he's writing it, the paper gets wet because you see tears dropping on the ink. In the movie, they visit a guy who lives in, like, a metal cage, I think, and the cage jams the signal from the government bad guys. It's like a... A Faraday cage. A Freeman cage or a...

A Faraday cage. A King Faraday cage. I look judgment a Freeman cage or a King Faraday cage. I look judgmentally at Ms. Hale being like, I thought that's what this would be. This is the bathroom, she says. I draw a picture of Taylor's hand with the thing, with the bracelet on it. And then I draw a picture of a cast over his hand.

And then I draw like a little diagram that's like, we wrap chicken wire and metal around the inside of the cast and we put it on Taylor's hand so that it's jamming the signal, but it looks just like a normal cast. Like he just broke his arm. Scary writes,

let's not waste time with hypotheticals. And then she crosses it out because she spelled it wrong. And then she's trying to spell hypotheticals. Hypno, hypnotheatrical spell hypnotherapies. Hypno, hypnotheatrical, hypnothatrix. What are you writing?

The fact that you wrote out, what are you writing? Yeah. It's arrows to it. It's like confused face. What are you writing? Also, you'll notice that Taylor's handwriting is like perfect anime lettering.

You know what I'm saying? It's like you're reading a manga. It's perfectly written. And Taylor writes from right to left. So you're smearing manga perfectly written and taylor writes from right to left so you're smearing it as you fucking go link is writing he goes yeah that's a good idea but we gotta make it the fbi will know if it's fake if we put a cast on so like i think well i guess i just need to break my arm break your arm because they'll know if we fake a doctor report to the fbi knows everything you have to break your arm and then convince them to let you keep the thing

on your cast i'm sorry he's like by that logic couldn't we just remove the your arm and then convince them to let you keep the thing on your cast. I'm sorry. He's like, by that logic, couldn't we just remove the whole arm and the problem is solved at the end? No. I go, Miss Hale, you're not being a lot of help.

I'm the idea woman. It's not a lot of help. I write in the corner like ideas and like one is break Taylor's arm. Two is remove Taylor's arm?

Question mark? And Mae points her finger at you, winks and nods like you got it. And then May Hill underneath it puts a little thumbs up with a one next to it like it's on Discord. Yeah, plus one. And she's looking at the rest of you like,

anybody can write plus two? I vote for break arm and I look and write sorry. As long as we keep up writing and all the code words, then like we don't really need to worry about the fact that they're tracking us. Because they were tracking Tony Soprano forever, and they didn't even get him at the end, I don't think, if that's how you interpret

the finale. Normal snaps his fingers. He's waving frantically. He writes, Step 1. Break Taylor's arm. Step 2. Get cast on Taylor's arm. With Faraday implements. Step 3. Link uses his magic to heal taylor's arm so it's not broken so it's fine and then we've got the perfect cover everyone thinks his arm's broken

it's not broken we've got the cast the growth on your back isn't listening anymore and we can go kill the mayor i mean you wrote out i mean i mean wait no it's fine that i wrote it taylor asks written down ask what does the fbi know about me and then i write everything everything you've done in the last four days or however many days it's been since this happened oh fuck oh no that means they've heard me jerk off 67 times taylor now sweating profusely this is my idea for taylor what if taylor gets into ventriloquism so there's a big ventriloquist dummy on his arm and then that's it's wrapped it was like never been more excited for an idea in

his life yeah yeah yeah so then we can wrap the dummy and i write you could be teeny because normal doesn't want to be teeny anymore i'm not teeny you could be you could take the teeny mask underneath shakes his head he goes no no no no no no if you'll allow me normal goes to his locker which they have lockers i'm assuming now at the at the headquarters where he was keeping some of his extra we have we have he goes to his cubby and he pulls out a dummy of teeny the teen because before he abandoned his pursuit of being a mascot he was working on a routine where teeny would have a little teeny a routine a routine with uh with tiny his tiny teeny oh my god and he was gonna do a little banter about it at the talent show so he was gonna dress up as teeny the teen the mascot and then the mascot would have a smaller version of itself

as a ventriloquist yeah right Yeah, right? It's pretty funny. I mean, it's not. It's whatever. But since I don't want it anymore, you can have it. So then I asked Ms. Hale, I write, is there like technology we could put in this ventriloquist dummy? As long as he has it on his hand, we can talk freely. Okay, so she's going to Google.

Because obviously it can't be on all the time because the FBI would get suspicious, but I like the idea that we have this dummy. So May Hales Googles what I just Googled, which is a website called Backyard Brains, neuroscience for everyone. And basically there's, yeah, you can very easily make a Faraday cage

out of, you know, chicken wire and some basic stuff that you could buy anywhere. So Mayhales writes down like, yeah, I mean, we could probably make one that fits inside Tiny Teeny. Okay, yeah, let's do that. Let's do that. Okay.

The whole time, as you guys have been solving that, on the far end of the paper you've seen like links been writing like a whole thing and you like kind of waves to you all and there's like a big picture and he's drawn like the four of you like all holding hands he's written once again i just want to say i'm very sorry i haven't i haven't had any friends my age or any friends at all. I love my family more than anything. I would do anything to protect them. But in doing so, I did the one thing I thought I would never do. And I ashamed myself and I betrayed myself and my family and the dads I love.

I betrayed my family because you are all my family now. I am sorry. Taylor, please forgive me. I love you. Taylor narrows his eyes as Tiny Teeny's being like lowered onto his arm. He's like, you owe me for this one. Normal writes in the corner, hey, I'm so glad you reached out. I'm actually at capacity slash helping someone else who's in crisis.

Normal gives you a big hug. It's all right. We're both going through a lot of stuff right now, man. We'll figure it out. Yeah. I write out, Link, bro, you got to gotta lighten up and that's coming from me being like really down and depressed and like cool is only cool when i do it the quality of the faraday cage you build i feel like anybody can roll survival or uh nature that's me survival nature all that shit we should just do rolls to see what grades we get in classes for

we should never report card i had a whole mechanic for grades and studying and stuff that was for a survival, nature, all that shit. We should just do rolls to see what grades we get in classes. We should. We should have a report card. I had a whole mechanic for grades and studying and stuff that was for a different kind of season. Is anybody going to help me with this? I mean, are we all helping? Basically, you're going to get advantage on this roll. Okay, so my first roll was an 11.

Okay. Second roll, 14 total. 14 total. You got another 11 on a D&D Beyond it? Bro! Damn. Roll a meat dice. Roll 11 on that D&D Beyond It? Bro. Damn. Roll a meat dice. Roll a meat space die.

No. No? Fair enough. Come back to the flesh, please. Okay. So I have a 14 on the Faraday caginess of the ventriloquist dummy. And we're going to just go forward from there. No, can we do one actually, one more cool thing?

So I read a book for research a while ago. Wow, I'm Norm. I read. This isn't Norm. This is Will. I did a whole thing about the NSA. Wow, I'm Will. I read a book for research a while ago. Wow, I'm Norm. I read. This isn't Norm. This is Will. I did a whole thing about the NSA. Wow, I'm Will. I read.

And they fucking, at their headquarters, to keep people from surveilling them, there's a gap in the walls, and they pipe classical music into the walls. That's cool as hell. To block people from listening. So if we just put a little MP3 player in there that was playing music on loop,

it might also help. Oh it's just Hatsune Miku's normal snaps and he pours out his anagram generator mini. No it's my music. Will made a good joke that nobody heard. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. He said anagram generator mini. It's fine. There we go. And I put my marching band playlist on loop and I give a wistful sigh

as I hear what to normal is the music of what like a Scottish Highlander the sound of bagpipes is the music of what like a Scottish Highlander. The sound of bagpipes is in terms of driving you into a blood frenzy. Here it's it for a second. And something stirs deep with him inside him.

He shakes it off and he stops to press it. He stuffs it into teeny. And he's like, so now at all times when I'm walking around very faintly as a passive perception is be pretty high. You can hear cover band. Normal tearfully realizes that with Taylor now endorsing Teeny the Teen, Teeny the Teen's cachet at this school

is going to fucking skyrocket even harder. Yeah, I want to cut the school and like the doors open up and it's the slow-mo walking down the hallway shot and it's like that slow, long pass. Like, who's that?

And it's Taylor with a ventriloquist dummy. Roll cool. Performance, I guess? Roll fucking cool. Performance or persuasion? 17. 17. 17 17 all right so yeah exactly what you said you just did happens even though it's still a class so just the kids that are skipping class and walking around on the campus some befuddled algorithm master at amazon is like why the fuck are ventriloquist dummy orders skyrocketing in san diego california

that's the thing where taylor like an A over there, but then the dummy is going like A to someone else on the other side of the room. Just to clarify, we don't know for certain, obviously, if this is working. Correct. You have no way of knowing. Just to talk about killing the mayor now. Now that we can talk about killing the mayor, right? Well, I guess this is as good of a time as any to talk about this. I guess we'll test

this out if this is working. FBI... Okay, let's hope that's good good i hope my dad's still at home um so i don't want to kill the bear i don't know if you heard my dad this just feels really violent and the mayor's like did you guys vote i mean obviously we don't vote but like he's not a bad guy like i don't know whatever woman a bad oh even worse. You're right. Well, I thought that she had the sauce. Yeah, she's got the sauce. She's got the sauce. Do we know if the sauce can be cured or do you just gotta, like, die?

I don't know. Yeah, it is cured by the icy embrace of death. Do we have any money left? Do we have any of those warbucks left? I believe you have one. Ask the whale. Let's ask the whale if we can desauce someone. Okay.

And also, yeah, Miss Hale, you said kill the mayor. Like, it's not as important to like kill the mayor we just gotta like make the mayor no i'm taking what she's saying she's saying we gotta kill this motherfucker i mean she can clarify she's right there yeah i'm right here yeah i mean yes i guess technically if you could find a way to desauce her that's also fine but it just feels like a good bullet to the head is pretty decent my dad seems to be going through stuff and the last thing he said was to like not be like him and I guess he's killed a lot of people

and he's been out to kill people. Yeah, yeah. Don't laugh about that. Sorry, right, sorry. It's okay. He's just really good at it. I mean like,

you don't have to be the one that actually kills her. Like, one of us can like step up. History is full of good people not doing enough to stop evil. I can't just sit here

and like join the rest of them and be fine. That's the whole point of that saying, Link. I think normal's got the right. Let's ask the whale. Yeah, let's ask the whale. Okay, so you head down to Jimmy Whale's tank.

You put your last Daddy Warbuck inside. The krill comes out. The krill comes out and he goes. Mr. Whale, is there any way to desauce somebody that's not killing them? Specifically the mayor. Specifically the mayor, I guess, if that's knowledge that you're capable of having. The whale says, I do not specifically know

of the mayor, but I know that if you can reverse the desire or mania or obsession that allowed the doodler to take root inside them, it will no longer consider them a viable host. So we gotta fix someone. We gotta win no longer consider them a viable host so we gotta fix

someone we gotta win the debate with them but like we don't we i mean we might have to like win but like win the debate to such a degree that the mayor totally lets go of whatever fucked up thing that they got but how hard could it be to win a debate with a politician so you know if they're wrong you just point out why they're wrong and then you know you want so we gotta destroy them so we should go on youtube and type somebody destroy somebody in a debate and see what we can learn about proper debating skills we like to run an insight i have to roll an insight check on youtube for how to destroy someone in a debate and what that entails uh yeah, go ahead. Roll insight. Hmm. 15 plus 2, 17. Debate. Okay. Let's say hypothetically

we needed to destroy someone. Yes, exactly. So it turns out if you type destroys debate into YouTube, the first one you get is actually Ben Shapiro being destroyed by Andrew Neal from the BBC. That's still helpful. So let's say that whatever roles you have during debate, you have advantage on the

first, like, because this is actually a pretty short little clip. It's like a minute. You have 90 seconds. So within the first 90 seconds of the debate, you have advantage on all of your roles for dunking on the mayor for whatever debate topic you choose. As you come back. Oh, that was a lot of pee we all did. So Normal's mother goes, oh, you're finally back. So, yeah, I was going to say, did anybody want to volunteer to debate the mayor?

Nobody did. We will. Oh, OK. Fantastic. Me and my buddy was going to say, did anybody want to volunteer to debate the mayor? Nobody did. We will. Oh, okay. Fantastic. Me and my buddy Tiny here, right Tiny? Why yes, we'd like to take on the mayor. Teeny, teeny, tiny, teeny. That's right folks, Teeny's back and

handheld. It's like we're in a tiny, teeny wonderland. Wait till the off-camera one kid goes, yo, was that you in the suit doing the whatnot? Oh yeah, yeah, they definitely assumed that, yeah. Was that you? That was way too cool to be normal right and i raise an eyebrow and i go i'll never tell and they go oh he's so cool oh shit he was definitely him as teeny because he was so cool even though he was like oh zit juice got all over me like he was there everybody saw me in the gundam costume oh yeah they did that's how much they want to believe yeah that's true

the rumor mill just goes you you know. So the teacher says, you can come up with any debate topic that you like as a favor from the mayor because she's so confident she can beat you in any sort of debate situation. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. To be clear,

she thought it would be fun to teach you about debate and school you on any topic? Is it one child or is she debating four children? She's debating four children simultaneously. Okay. Like a chess master? Yeah. Did you guys ever do taekwondo?

No. In my taekwondo class, the last thing they would do, like all the kids would fight one black belt guy. No shit, really? Yeah, no, they did this. Yeah, it would be like the Matrix burly brawl, but it would be like a, it was literally like the how many eight year olds can you take in a fight thing. But like full contact sparring? I mean, it was like a big goofy thing it wasn't

they can do they can just easily dispatch a kid without fucking hurting them they just push them aside strip ball black belts are experts so they know how to they know you can just buy black belts yeah and just use as an excuse for beating up kids so we just we can pick the debate topic what should we debate yeah when do we have to let you know what we're debating? You don't have to let me know ever. We're just going to start class tomorrow. You'll tell me

and the rest of the class and the mayor what the topic is. She doesn't need to prepare? Unprepared? She's that good. X-Temp, dude? Yeah.

Okay, so I feel like this is at the sleepover. This is at the sleepover. So at the sleepover. We've already like done like never have I ever. Is Marco okay being home alone

without Grant in? Well, did you check in with him? Well, of course I course i checked in with him then yeah he's fucking psyched that you made friends already you were homeschooling you're already going to a sleepover after like four days he's overjoyed nice he says love you my son i didn't take him uh no he's still at home he's still answering your text okay that's all i wanted i mean as far as you know unless somebody's pretending to be him on the fucking phone i love you you, son. Yeah, son isn't bad. Ask him how wolfy he is. I like that you like soccer.

You are good at soccer. Your husband, brackets, fine name of husband, is doing well. Ding dong, the pizza's here. Pizza's here. Mom, can you get that? She's not home. Mom's not home. She told you that over the phone.

That's right. She ordered this. Normal opens the door. You see a 17-year-old girl with a ponytail, and she's wearing a top hat. And she has a shirt on that says, like, Cheesy's Pizza. And underneath that shirt, you can see a very, very anatomically incorrect picture of an anime girl with long red hair who's, like,

turning into a bear. And it says brave on it and and she goes oh my god normal what are you doing here here what hero what are you what are you doing here my job i can tell she's threatened by me do you know the pizza delivery person is this your sister guys is my sister hero oh hi guys hey mrner. And she sees you, Taylor. Taylor, what are you wearing? Probably like my casual at home jammies. What do those look like? It's like jammies that have like a vague tuxedo cut kind of going.

Oh my God. What's on the jammies though? Just silk. Not everything's anime with Taylor. Sometimes he just goes for style. Just very comfortable, expensive silk pajamas that have like a little tuxedo design. And then the right, like on the breast pocket, there's like a little tuxedo design and then the right like on

the breast pocket there's like a very like very sophisticated tasteful embroidery of an anime character my plans for what happens with things doesn't have a tasteful tuxedo mask like rose okay okay embroidered so she looks over your shoulder and sees taylor in the tuxedo mask somebody's still on Sailor Moon. Newly much? Excuse me one second. Norm, I'm not tipping. Yeah, that's fine.

Well, give us our pizza and get out of here, hero. Okay, fine. And she hands you the pizza. And she holds her hand out for a tip anyway. Here's a tip. Be a better older sister. God. Slam the door in her face.

I'm sorry. That was mean. I don't have any money, though. She's done. And she walks away. She goes back to her cheesy pizza car and you can see as she drives away that there's a tuxedo mask bumper sticker on her car and you remember that that's her favorite character man tuxedo mask is hot though link is already on like the app to give her five stars and said she did a great job even though the customers were rude even though the customers were rude. Even though the customers, us, were rude. You wanted to investigate her campaign.

14 Hawaiian pizzas. All right, let's look into this mayor. Maybe there's a way to like get her to admit that she's like driven by the sauce. Like a debate topic.

Like, do I like the sauce or something? We need to figure out what's going on with the mayor to understand, you know, what to do. We need to find her greatest weakness. Yes. What is she obsessed with?

That's what we got to figure out. And then we'll debate her about that. And we'll convince her. Pull up the campaign website. Go ahead and roll investigation. All of us? This is like all of us on Google? Yeah, why not?

Depending on how good we roll, it's going to be the type of website we're looking at. Yes. Well, I got 13 plus 2, 15. Okay. Fucking, I got a four. Seven plus four, 11. I'm looking at like the social media feed, which is not run by the mayor.

It's clearly run by an intern trying to do that. You're on just your poetry side or whatever, just working on your- I'm literally on like Evernote, like writing lyrics. I got a two. So I am watching the show Mayor of Easttown. Interesting. She's so complex.

We should talk to her about vaping. It seems like she has a problem. No, it's Mayor, Norm. It's Mayor, not Mayor. Okay, I'm now listening to the music of John Mayer. So I'm the only one who's actually investigating? Yes. I'm typing very loudly, like passive aggressively

as everybody's doing other things. Listen, this is just the group project experience, let's be honest. Yep. Okay. So you find a critical article about the mayor that mentions basically her biography and her backstory. And the author, who is from sort of a right wing website, says that basically her mother

was mayor of a larger town, not Sam Demas, in her childhood. And her mother died halfway into her first term from a car accident. And that everything she's been doing has been out of a pathetic misguided attempt to get her mother's love and that she needs to stop worrying about her dead mother and start worrying about real mothers in this town whom she has treated with the utmost disrespect

by all of her policies and then starts just getting like overly angry. What if, hear me out, the topic is should Mother's Day continue to be a holiday? Oh, that's pretty good. That's sick. Well, that's how we get into the mom stuff. Or we do, maybe this is too messed up.

Maybe we take the side that car crashes that kill moms are bad, which means that she has to be forced to argue that it's okay for there to be less moms on Earth due to car crashes. I think that'd be really hard for her to argue that side. Maybe that's too niche. Maybe the Mother's Day thing's better. Dang, low blow. It's like moms shouldn't be allowed to do things, like tell you what to do. But we would argue that moms are awesome and should have a holiday and they're great, which again would mean that she would have to argue the opposite.

That mothers don't deserve. Which is like, that's a clear win because moms are great. I mean, I don't have one, but like, I mean, if they're anything like dads.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So the debate is mother's day. Should we keep having it? Yeah. We say our position is that we should because moms are good.

Yes. And then her position is that Mother's Day should not be a holiday. Mother's Day should not be a holiday. Let's see her try to argue her way. We can basically use that to get into like why it's like, okay, that her mom died. Is her goal to get her to like cry on stage or something? I don't know. It seems better than killing her.

I mean, yeah, no, I agree. I'm just trying to figure out. Okay, but plan B though, how are we going to kill her? Do you have a gun? Well, no, I have this ATM machine. I've got a knife. Oh. It's a pretty sick ass knife.

I look at scary eyes. I'm like, could you do that? Could you kill her? Absolutely. Your DNA is going to be all over this knife. You're also going to be doing it in front of your entire class. How else would I get a cred of being like the medalist chick ever? May hails with her hands up and says, yeah, no, that's a fair point.

Also, I'm here. You want to be the medalist chick ever? No. We have access to the machine, right? The ATM-sized machine with a single red button that, when pressed, will cause thousands of portals to open up, from which thousands of assassins from every conceivable time period will blast the button presser into oblivion.

And May says, I did buy a trolley thingy. A hand truck. A hand truck. I bought a hand truck if we need to move it somewhere. What if, okay, hear me out. What if we could somehow provoke the mayor into hitting this button? Like, what could we put as a label on this pedestal

that this mayor had no choice but to press the button thereby idea yeah so like what if we say that that's the button that you push when you're done arguing so it's like if you're whenever you think that you've like really pwned your opponent and you're like man i'm done like suck on that like you just push the button. And we could have, like, a fake button that we push. Okay, it sounds like we're really going down the rabbit hole. Not a plan B, but, like, a straight up let's murder her. And not to have a debate here, but, like, can we just, like, not have a plan B on murder? Not to be that guy.

We could murder her if we want. It's a democracy. Here's what I would propose. What if we have a debate? When you lose the debate, you press the button. But hear me out. Hear me out. So if we win the debate, we convinced her that we won,

and we don't need to kill her, right? Wait, so no, it should be if you lose the debate, you have to press the button. And then if we win the debate, then we have to press the button, but we won't because she's not crazy. I mean, she doesn't have the sauce anymore, right? So we don't have to press it. But then if we lose the debate, she has to press the button.

No, no, no, stop, stop, stop. That's the worst possible thing. Whoever presses the button will die. No, but that's what I'm saying. We don't press it. This is Will talking. This is a good idea a good i i agree no i think you're totally on with norm like if she wins then we haven't convinced her and she has to push the button anyway because she won if she wins then we lost and she has to push anybody who wins the winner that's what i said yeah no you said the loose

i'm pretty sure i know what i said okay but then if we win we just won't press the button. That's what I said. No, you said the loser pushes the button. I'm pretty sure I know what I said, guys. But then if we win, we just won't press the button. No, we don't press it. Then we just don't press it. We have like another button. Yeah, we press a different button.

We should just be sore winners. Here's what it is. Here's what it is. We cover the bed and soul in a cloth at the beginning of class. Should we lose,

we'll whip it off saying this is the teeny to teen high tradition that we're starting. If we win, the cover stays on and nobody is the wiser we present the bud and we say if you were to press this would you kill would you kill one person to save our dads and we and we make her argue that is a good moral trait because then if she wins we do a flashback

to fucking link's house and there's just a dvd copy of the box on the fucking next to the tv if she wins she's made the argument that she should help suppress the bud and then it's fine may says um let me feel like the vibes off yeah it's been out for a while since I betrayed us all. I'm sorry. No, maybe it's just me. I don't know. Sorry, keep going. Explain. Hold on.

It just feels weird. I don't know. I feel weird. I don't know. You feel weird? You feel like you have the sauce or something? No, not like I have the sauce. I don't know.

There's something about you. Other than the fact that I'm like a grown woman doing a sleepover. Are you lactose intolerant? I am, but that's not... Ladies, six days ago, I was playing in cheer routines and trying to do a front handspring, and now I'm with four people

trying to figure out how to murder the mayor while being normal enough for my dad to love me. So yeah, the vibe's off. I'm rolling perception. I'm gonna roll insight as well. I'm not.

I'm in my house. You're talking insight or perception? Oh, I'm gonna do insight because I got plus four on insight. I'm gonna do a sense vibes insight roll. I got 19 on... I got a insight roll. I got a 19 on. I got a 19 too. I got a natural 20.

And you all rolled insight. Insight. Okay, so you can tell that Mayhales is being honest. Something feels unnerving to her and she cannot quite put words to it or put her finger on it. Fuck. Shit. So she's just being honest about it. Good news.

But she's embarrassed now, so she's like, never mind. If we rolled perception, would we have a better chance of finding that out? You could roll and see. I rolled perception, too. Can I roll arcana to understand the rules of Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah, I got 13 perception. Does it exist in your mercurial brain, Anthony? 11 plus 1.

12. I got a 7. Okay, with a 7. You're not alone in this room. I'm going to do divine sense. Okay. As an action, I can detect good and evil until the end of your next turn. You can sense anything affected by the hollow spell or know the location of any celestial

fiend undead within 60 feet. That's not behind cover. You're going to use this feature one time. So do I notice anything good or evil or of that sort? There's something evil underneath Taylor's bed. Link pulls out a piece of paper. Link pulls out a piece of paper a piece of paper and right i sense something evil under taylor's bed and then i'm like is that maybe the vibe you're feeling taylor pulls down his sick

katana off the wall and like puts it in a ready position i have the kellogg knife at the ready normal is going to just hide behind Link and peek his head out from behind Link and say, how evil? What are you feeling, bro? Link feeling bad about betraying his friends

is going to slowly look under the bed. So as you lower your head down, pulling up the, you know, the skirt of the bed. I'm as far away from the bed as possible. Oh, so you're not

because you're far away from the bed. I'm going to lay on the floor essentially so I can look across the floor. Okay, great. As you do that, I like kind of lean.

I'm like falling with you behind you to stay, so I can look across the floor. Okay, great. As you do that, I, like, kind of lean. I'm, like, falling with you, behind you, to stay hidden behind you. You're, like, spooning. I'm, like, on your back like a backpack, basically. Like Yoda. Yeah, like Yoda and Luke. As you lower down, you see, initially, nothing until two

lids open, and you see two massively bugged out eyes and a big smile. And slowly a hand wraps itself around the side of the bed and pulls a little bit. Nope. And pulls itself into the light. The first thing you notice is how big the smile she's wearing is. It almost seems to take up most of her face.

And her skin on her face looks like pulled taut completely. Is it a politician smile? Inspiration. You get inspiration. Because she's also wearing a pantsuit. And her hair feels like it's pulled back

and in a ponytail that looks like it's also pulling back the skin on her face. You can almost see her bones, not that they're poking out of the skin or anything,

but almost like they're about to come through. And she goes, hi. Hi. Taylor's going to stab first. through. And she goes, hi. Hi. Taylor's going to stab first. Okay. Just going to run in and stab.

He has the katana ready to go. Yeah, he does. Do we recognize what she looks like? I guess he's doing it. You said you've been doing research on her. So yeah, this is the mayor. And I go, Zephyr, strike. Okay.

What does that do again? I move like the wind, the fucking wind, Anthony. My movement doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. It's a cast. 1d8 additional damage on the weapon attack. Okay, so make a weapon attack. Wait, can I ask guidance on you? What does that do?

You touch one willing creature. The target can roll a d4 and add the number roll to an ability check of your choice. That's a good spell. I guess if you have to do an ability check, it works. Oh, sorry. No, that could be helpful because we don't know what the mayor is going to do. She might do something that makes them have to do a check. There we go.

Three plus three, six. Fuck. Does she look creepier than she did in the images? As you described, she looks all the time. No, no, no. Sorry. She didn't look like that all the time until she got nominated. It seems like whatever happened to her has happened fairly recently.

It looks like a more desiccated version of the woman, the otherwise confident woman that you saw. I cast that for strike, which gives me advantage on one weapon attack roll. So I can try again on that weapon attack roll. I think so, sure. Eight plus three, 11.

11 is not going to do it. Shit. So you stab downward. How do you stab? Are you jumping onto bed and stabbing yourself? I'm basically running straight towards the bed

and then I'm drawing it in the run and then jumping onto the bed and like just poking it straight down. Oh, I can kill Bill. Do you know what I mean? The anime part? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like in the anime part,

the blade goes down, but just right in front of her face instead of actually hitting her. And she just reaches forward with her tongue and just pushes on it with her tongue, pushes on the blade. The strength of her tongue just moves it out of the wood and knocks it loose a little bit.

Normal steps bravely forward and says, I have a button you need to press. So she goes, I heard what you said about the button. I was listening. This is what you call research on your opposition. So now I'm not going to be pressing a button. That's how you win. That's how I'm so good at debates.

Okay, Beth, did you want to do something? I cast my cantrip, True Strike, which you point a finger at a target in range. Your magic grants you a brief insight into the target's defenses. On your next turn, you gain advantage on your first attack roll against the target. Well, I'll tell you her AC is 14.

Okay. Okay, so that was your action. What did May Hales do? Oh, May Hales is just like, uh, what do I do? What do you want me to do? You're supposed to order me around. Fight, fight her.

Or debate her, whatever seems to make more sense right now. Use your best judgment. We don't want to micromanage. She's like, I think we should get a big money out of politics. The mayor goes, I agree. And May's like, okay, I don't know what to do now.

I don't know what to do. She pulls herself out and stands up, and she is far taller than you expected. She's far taller and more slim and more slender than you saw on the website. She's like a slender man politician. She's a slender mayor. She looks like somebody put her into a taffy pole, and she's just like stuck that way. And she goes, there's no need for violence. This can be solved in the marketplace of ideas, and I just wanted to know what your ideas were.

This could be solved in the marketplace of ideas, and I just wanted to know what your ideas were. And now that I know you're planning to say some hurtful things potentially about my mother, that's very good to know. We weren't going to, though. You heard us, right? We were changing our mind. We were thinking about killing. Oh, well. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm not going to press that button now, so that's too bad for you. It doesn't do anything. You want to try it? Roll deception with disadvantage. She goes she goes no i don't think i will i think i'm good can't we bring money into this money is a big politic thing right i just agreed we should get money out of big politics and i'm a woman i suppose i'll just see you tomorrow at the debate so that whatever i do to you will be in front of all of your friends and and your mother normal uh agree on a debate topic maybe?

Yeah, what do you want to debate? Yeah, anything you want. We were just blue sky. That's why we got to that weird spot. That wasn't what we were going to end on was the whole your mom things. We just figured out. Look, I'm sure as mayor, you have to float a lot of ideas, right?

And I'm sure your mayor team, they must say stuff, you know, like you're just throwing ideas out there about what to do. And some of those ideas might be pretty bad, but that's where you know where the line is. So that's all we were doing. We were just trying to blue sky,

figure out where the line is. And you know what the line is? We're not going to make you press a button and we're not going to be mean about your mom. And you know, thank you for your feedback. That's good for us to know. What's a thing that you would want to debate that, I don't know, you'd be bad at? Yeah.

Okay. How about this? How about this? I will tell you, and I'm telling you the truth, and any of you can look into my eyes. She says. Some rumble stillskin shit. Her eyes getting too big. Like, they pop out even more.

She goes, you can look into my eyes and know that I'm telling you the truth. I'm not going to hurt any of you right now, but I need to show you something to show you what I'm very bad at debating. Okay. I'm not going to hurt anyone. All right. Can we roll to like believer? You can roll insight.

This whole time. With advantage because her eyes are so big. Okay. This whole time, Taylor is trying to find the Glock that he sent home, but he can't underneath the pile of all the Gundam packages. So it's just package after package. God damn it. Oh, that's what that was.

15. I got a fucking seven. You roll to find the gun, dude. Yeah, roll to find it. You don't have to not find it. I got a 22. I know, but I'm saying that I probably have disadvantage because it's underneath a pile of other boxes.

Sure, why not? Yeah, yeah. Roll investigation. 12. 12. So with a 12, you find it, but it's still completely sealed up in its box no way no it's not you put in a box no no i would have put in a box and taped the fuck

out okay yeah you find the taped up box okay so with your 22 normal you can tell she is telling not the whole truth but the truth she's not going to actively attack anyone she's not going to harm anybody's hp she's not going to do anything that's going to result in anybody losing hp indirectly normal's like it's cool I got this. I've seen some pretty crazy stuff in my day. You know, like a lot of wild YouTube videos and stuff. I think I can handle this. What do you want to show me? I just want to show you something I'm very bad at debating. So the position that you're going to take is that he's not here. And the position that I'm going to take is, and she reaches over and rips Tiny Teeny off of Taylor's arm.

And she goes, Nicholas Foster is right here right now. And in that moment, your bracelet activates. Your back arches in pain as the bracelet begins to put electricity through you. And behind you, you can't see it, but everybody on the other side of you can. An outline of a rectangle and glowing white light appears through you. And behind you, you can't see it, but everybody on the other side of you can. An outline of a rectangle and glowing white light appears behind you. And once the lines connect, it turns into a window with a bright shining light

that almost makes everybody blind that looks at it. It's hard to look at directly. But you see hands in yellow hazmat suits reach out of it and grab you around the shoulders and the legs and the stomach. Me? And they pull you, Taylor. What?

What? No. For him. Yeah. Okay, go ahead and make an athletics check. I would have, during this time, I found the Glock package and they pull you, Taylor. What? I dive for him. Yeah. Okay, go ahead and make an athletics check. I would have during this time, I found the Glock package and I'm like, probably have opened it.

I feel like I want to do a roll to try and open the package for the gun. Okay, but you'll make it with disadvantage because you're in pain. 13 plus three, 16 for athletics. Okay, cool. You grab onto his ankle. I got a nine plus five, 14.

Kill me. I got a five. 10 on trying to get the gun out. Okay, so you don't manage to get the gun out. There's one last sticky piece of tape and you're trying to use your fingernail to get at it, but it's just a little bit too scary. You hold on to Link,

who is holding on to the ankle of Taylor Swift. You feel a very strong yank. And in this moment, Link, you know that it's a lot of adult men pulling back on taylor and you're not going to be strong enough to prevent him from going in but you have a choice and that choice is you can hold on and go with him or you can let go can i roll perception can i see like who's grabbing him or anything yeah go for it yeah perception works perfectly fine for that that's a natural 20. wow just get a sense of what do i see on the other side of the portal. Yeah, perception works perfectly fine for that. That's a natural 20. Ooh! So I want to get a sense

of what do I see on the other side of the portal. On the other side of the portal, you see three men in hazmat suits who are currently holding on to Taylor. Behind them,

you can see what looks to be transparent, but purely by the thickness and the metallicness of the door that separates it. Two big old glass walls that seem to be like

rounded at the sides. And then beyond that, you see the FBI agents that came to your home and told you that if you didn't put this bracelet on Taylor, that they were going to kill your dad. Or not kill him, but get rid of him in some way. You see them sitting there with their arms crossed with a bunch of scientists who are looking

at a bunch of different monitors and stuff. With your natural 20, you can tell that this seems to be some bunch of different monitors and stuff. With your natural 20, you can tell that this seems to be some sort of prison or observation cell. I look at Taylor. Don't let go, you son of a bitch! Do I betray? I'm going to hang on to Taylor as they pull.

I'm not going to let go. Okay. But as I'm being pulled, I'm going to look at Norm and Scary, and I'm going to say, tell my dad to run. Wait, I'm not letting go. Okay. Are you going to try to jump in with him? I guess. They're pulling Link in pretty hard, norm and scary i'm gonna say tell my dad to run wait i'm not letting go okay are you gonna try to jump in with him i guess they're pulling link in pretty hard but you have like a not amazing grip on link's leg it is the most natural thing physically for him to just sort of come out of

your hand so if you want to actually follow them and you're gonna have to jump for it and normally you could hypothetically make the same choice but you're further away from the yeah i got a five so i feel like i biffed it on the ground yeah so you'd have to sort of get up and run and jump, and it might be, you know, harder. It might be a higher difficulty roll for you to make the leap through the thing. Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Okay, go ahead and roll acrobatics or athletics.

A natural one. No! You push him further into the... No! As far as Link knows, you literally pushed him into the portal intentionally. Norman, what are you going to do? Normal locks eyes with Link and Taylor and sees Scary and realizes he doesn't want to

abandon Scary in the room with the fucked up monster. And then he looks and he sees the only sigil of hope that he knows of in the world on the ground. And it's that dummy of Teenie the Teen. Nice. And he grabs it and he gives it a kiss on forehead, and he throws it through the portal and says, Go teens! And then Taylor's like, Give us the gun!

No, no, not that one! Not that one! Oh, shit, the gun! They just pulled you and Taylor in, and the portal closes behind you, but Tiny Teenie manages to go through the portal with you as it closes. The mayor's still in here? The mayor's still here. I say, your mama's

so dead her driver's license is a junkyard. Fuck. She leans down and she kisses you on the forehead. It's scary and she goes, I'll see you at the debate. All our days whisked away, but is there something more to say? You know that no one knows scary and she goes, I'll get this right

It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today. We live for tomorrow, fake steel and borrow, break where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today, no, not today. I don't need your sorrow, come back tomorrow, I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way. I'll be on my way.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Normal Oak. Beth May as Scary Marlow and myself, Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift. Our theme song is On My Way by Maxson Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashton Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor.

Travis Reeves provides additional editing. Jimmy Wong and Sapphire Liu handle our merch. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber. By the way, we are available on Amazon Music as another podcast platform that you can listen to us on. We are supported by the coolest Patreon in the game. And some of these fine patrons are folks like Kevin O'Connor, Ya Boy Tim Tam, Kaylee Warren, Nicole Nielsen, Epic Asia, Phineas Lemare, Brian Kinney, Nicole Nielsen, Battle Dad, Robert Pedroza, The Sea Roth, Nicole Nielsen, Alexis Gillenwater,

Minette the Magnificent Magic Harp, Matt Higgins, Alex DeSanmartino, Asriel, As It Gets, and Jake Leffler. You too can directly support the show and get ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. It's a very special week for the patreon because this week we're going to be releasing episode one of sons and sons ability our regency romance one-shot mini campaign where we all play as eligible bachelorettes looking to score a hubbo in regency era england jane austin eat your heart out this was a patreon stretch goal and here's a little sneak peek of what I think might be the funniest thing we've ever done. I think what we should do is we all on the count of three say

the name of the most eligible bachelor we are all going to be going for and we are bound to that choice no matter what. False wits. One, two, three. Call it what you want. Anybody who will have me. As a reminder, every patron at every level gets access to this as well as our other one-shot mini campaigns so if you're looking for some very funny and very entertaining self-contained

tabletop campaigns i highly recommend you check out at the mountains of dadness and gungans and daddies all that jizz and that is just a fraction of what every patron gets access to stuff like the rocks rock ep a geologically themed rap album done in character by hen Oak. Stuff like Talking Dad, or this season is called Teen Talk, where we answer listener questions and dive into the record process of every episode. You don't want to miss out on these. And at this point, there are hours upon hours of extra content available on our Patreon. And you support this podcast directly by joining up. So yeah, give it a shot.

Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. There are other ways, of course, to support this show. Our merch is at store.dungeonsanddaddies.com our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com twitter give us a follow dungeons and dads our subreddit is dungeons and daddies we're spinning up a tiktok now like all the cool cats that's going to be dn dads podcast our next episode comes out may 17th we will see you all then No, not today. We live for tomorrow. Bake, steal, and borrow. Brave where we can't change. We gotta pick ourselves up and say, not today.

No, not today. I don't need your sorrow. Come back tomorrow. I'll be on my way. Typical group project vibes. two people just straight up peacing you out peacing out the night before it's due and then two people have to do the whole thing on their own Thank you.