Dungeons and Daddies - S2 Ep. 9 - Debate Me, Cowards

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

The teens are split by mysterious F.B.I. operatives as Link and Taylor fight for their lives and Normal and Scary attempt to prepare for a debate with the mayor. This episode contains profanity, violence, sexual content. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit! DM is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Lincoln Li-Wilson is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Normal Oak is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Scary Marlowe is Beth May (@heybethmay)Taylor Swift is Freddie Wong (@fwong) Theme song is "On My Way" by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriber Cover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex) Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contact The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. FBI case file 34A-325. Subject, Lincoln Lee Wilson. Well, well, well. What do we got here? Who are you guys? How did you get into my house? Lincoln Lee Wilson. Sophomore. Very tall. Soccer player. Well, well, well. You know what, Jim? My adopted kids, all 12 of them, the orphans, they're varsity soccer players too.

Three of them are dating. I tried to get them to stop. I'm not comfortable with it. Eh, you know. Kids will be kids. Yeah, I guess they will. But you know what they're not? Fucking criminals. You're right. I'm a criminal. Take me to prison. Those firefighters at EMT, I murdered them. Whoa, murder? Uh,

no. We really couldn't care less if you dabble in murder. It's fine. Why won't anybody arrest me for my murders? Look, kid, we don't have time for your Catholic guilt. Oh, no, I'm not Catholic. I mean, my dad was raised Catholic. He's not anymore. I mean, I don't, I'm not against it. I mean, I respect- Shut up. Okay, okay. I just want your friend, Taylor Swift. Taylor? Why? Take this bracelet, put it on him, and keep it on him. Oh, no. I mean, this is not his style. I don't think he's going to just put this on. That's your problem. If you tell him or anyone else what's going on,

or anything we've told you here tonight, we'll make sure your other daddy is just as gone and dead as your last one. Brad's dead? No! Oh, we don't know. We just assumed he was. You'll go into foster care. We'll put Marco in prison.

We can do that. We get off on doing that. That's our whole thing. What? Nobody can stop us, especially not you. I get off on doing that. That's our whole thing. Nobody can stop us. Especially not you. I'm not going to. Because you're a kid. You got 48 hours to put the bracelet on him or you can consider yourself an orphan again.

Let's get out of here. Oh, hey, Link. Sorry I'm late. I picked up pizza on my way home. Who are you? Who are you talking to? No one, Dad. OK.

Oh, by the way, sorry. They were out of pineapple today. So all we have is pepperoni. Oh, my baby boy. I know. I know. I know. I'm sad, dad. Okay. Oh, by the way, sorry. They were out of pineapple today, so all we have is pepperoni. Oh, my baby boy. I know, I know, I know. I'm sad, too. Pineapple's so good on pizza. I love it.

This is about the pizza. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the story of four teens searching for their lost dads in a world forever chink. Yet for that one time, their granddad accidentally unleashed an eldritch god. This is the story of 14 searching for their lost dads in a world forever changed. Yet for that one time, their granddads accidentally unleashed an eldritch god. I'm Benedict Cumberbatch, American man. I'm Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the block, rock, and samurai sword-wielding,

katana-choppin' weeb teen ranger, ranger of the group. This week's rad fact, Taylor's the best person on the debate team. He's the best one on the debate team. What? It's too bad that he's not on this debate, but he slays at debate. Well, you didn't win literally any arguments when we were trying to agree what debate to, like, you weren't good at debating with us. Beth, the art of debate, as anybody who has done debate can tell you, has very little to do with your ability to manage your day-to-day life and your actual disagreements with your friends debate is about

saying as many things as possible so that you get as many points on the board as possible so that your opponent can't refute them all i'm of course speaking about a style of debate because i don't know if you guys did you guys do debate in high school no no i didn't do it but i was friends with all the debate people there's ones where you can prep beforehand. There's ones where, for example, they give you what the subject is and you have an hour

to research it. There is a type of debate that is basically just get as many arguments out as possible and if your opponent can't refute any one of those, that counts as a point

on your side. That's Taylor's specialty, the gish gallop, the say as many things as possible. It's like when they shoot all that chaff off in the dog fight

in the mystery. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That the debate style that taylor was a master at and unfortunately you have no access to him because he's going to be taking that skill to the fbi hey everybody my name is matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the stay-at-home sports kid protective paladin of the group i don't know i feel like link might die or go to prison forever this episode so like just some basic facts his birthday is march 3rd um and every year he celebrates his birthday by his dad's take him to outback steakhouse which is the most popular restaurant in america now since since uh truly an apocalypse yeah nobody's under the age of 40 that shows up other than his parents because everybody that goes to the birthdays are just marcos and he's an old soul grant's dad yeah so you know he just sits out back how many blooming onions does he get that's pretty much all he eats

he gets as many as he wants on his birthday which means he gets half of one because you can't eat a whole blooming onion by yourself it's too that'd be wild yeah yeah that's a lot that's it crocky i'm expecting presents next year uh hey everyone i'm I'm Will Campos, and I play normal oak, plain Jane, humdrum, ordinary garden variety, run-of-the-mill teen. Snoozers. Yawn. Rad fact about normal. If normal seems like he's got a bit more swagger, a bit more pep in his step, it's because he started wearing lifts to bring his height up to 64.6 inches, which is the average height, according to Google, of a 14-year-old boy.

What is a lift? Lift is like you slip them into your shoes to make yourself a little taller. He was sitting at like 63.7 inches. He's like, I got to normal this up. So he brought himself up to 64.6. It's like that picture of Robert De Niro on the set of The Irishman, where he's like his huge boots that make him as tall as... So how many inches are those lifts?

That's like a.9. Okay, so it's like very subtle. Yeah. Okay, okay. Don't they smash the top of your feet into your shoes, though? Norm wears flip-flops. You can loosen your laces. With lifts.

So everyone can see that he's wearing lifts. That's such like an archaic rumor to spread about school. Did you know that normal wears lifts? Why don't I do this? Because you're a short king and you respect yourself. Yeah. Like me. I could be five foot seven and a half.

You've seen the fucking surgery you can do, right? Where they just extend your bones. Oh, yeah. They break your bones and they put like external fixators in it. And then your bones allegedly like grow into the space, but only a few inches. And they're kind of fragile giraffe legs at that point. And they can't do it to the one bone that matters. Yeah.

That's right. Your spinal cord. That's right. You need another vertebrae. They can't do that. My other dad fact is normal is saving up for the bone thing. Hi, I'm Beth May and I play Scary Marlow, a goth punk seeker of darkness who is not like the other warlocks.

Fun fact about Scary, she knows that black is technically a shade and not a color. You know, she knows that. So if you're wondering what her favorite color is, it is mole's breath from Home Depot. That's right. A very, very, very dark shade of gray. Hi, I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. My dad fact is that my favorite color is blue

because I'm colorblind and blue is the only one I know what I'm getting. Aw. You were all hanging out at Taylor's house. You were studying for the big debate against the mayor who has the sauce. The mayor made themselves known to you. This also happened after you all found out that Lincoln had, to some extent, kind of betrayed all of you, or at least just Taylor, by putting a wristband on him that the FBI could listen to him through. He gave us friendship bracelets under false pretense, which to me counts as a betrayal.

That's actually a bigger betrayal because the FBI thinks that's just following the rule of law. Like the false bracelets is a betrayal. He violates everything that Lance Armstrong and Livestrong bracelets stand for. Which in hindsight wasn't a lie. Yeah, he cheated, which means he's actually very much in the spirit of the Lance Armstrong motif. Turns out that the FBI was listening for something. You didn't know what until the mayor grabbed your wrist, spoken to your bracelet, Taylor, and said that Nicholas Foster was nearby, even though he was not. And who is that? A portal opened. Taylor

and Link were grabbed and thrown into what seemed to be a very large protective cell, like a prison cell type thing, like the thing they held the Hulk in in the first Avengers movie. You know what I'm talking about. Then the portal closed. Not before a certain ventriloquist dummy was also hurled through. Yes. Also, a tiny teeny was thrown through in lieu of a gun and the portal closed. And then the mayor kissed one of you on the forehead and said, see you at the debate and then disappeared, left the house. So you were yanked through the portal by three men in hazmat suits, big yellow hazmat suits. Once the portal is closed, the FBI agent that you saw come to your house, Link, says something into his earpiece. The three hazmat suited men immediately start moving backwards towards the door while still facing you. They are going to leave the cell

and lock it behind them. The cell is basically a big flat room that is surrounded on all sides by what looks kind of like glass. And on every side of this cell, you can see machines set up. You can see people holding guns. You can see security cameras. Like Magneto's cell in X2. Very much like Magneto's cell. Or X1, I guess. This is very much an observational sort of thing. They thought that something very dangerous was going to be inside here that they needed

to keep an eye on and needed to have countermeasures in case it escaped. If you want to roll perception, I can give you more details. Let's see what the old perception gives me. It's a room. Okay. And I got a 23. You can feel that A, you were underground. You were far underground.

Hold on. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I accidentally opened up my old character. That's what that perception roll was. I can't roll a 23. Now it all makes on. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I accidentally opened up my old character. That's what that perception roll was. I can't roll a 23. Now it all makes sense.

I got a four. Wait, what? This isn't your house. Well, I'm going to pick up Teenie. Okay. And put him on my hand. All right. And I'm going to go to Link and I'll go,

don't worry, Link, I got this. I will only speak through my lawyer. That's right. It's to me, his lawyer. So while you're doing that, they close the door and lock you inside. Oi, oi, this can't be legal. The FBI agent that you've seen, Link,

presses a button on a console and says, What? Did he transform so he looks like Link? Somebody run a scan. Where's the fucking... Hey, no scanning without my consent. They press a button and... What the fuck?

This red light kind of scans up and down the room. He leaves the fucking hey no scanning without my consent they press a button and what the fuck this red light kind of scans up and down the room he leaves the fucking intercom on because otherwise it's gonna be really boring scene you hear a technician turn and go it doesn't look like there's any sign of the savior the devil savior he goes god you see the fbi agent like loses fucking mind and just like sort of rub his hands over his eyes i start banging on the window oh hey hey wow so we're not what you're looking for. I kind of point over to Taylor. I didn't tell him anything. How did the mayor? You should look into that.

Let me the fuck out of here. Why don't you just go ahead and sit down? I got to think about this. Then he turns to another similarly suited agent, but one that's shorter so that you can immediately tell that they're an inferior. And they both look exactly like Freddie, but one's wearing lifts and the other's not. One's wearing lifts, yeah.

Well, one of two things are going to happen. Either he's going to show up here looking for the fucking kid, or, I don't know, do we get rid of him? Do we let the kids go? Yes. Taylor, they're not listening to me. You said, who is your lawyer? Oh, my lawyer right here.

Well, hello. It's me, the lawyer. You see, this way, Link, we can say- No, I mean, but your mom, like, you must have a lawyer. My mom has an entertainment lawyer who negotiates contracts. That's pretty much useless for everything else. We want our phone call. This is illegal, right?

Yeah, hey, we got a phone call. Go ahead and roll persuasion. Five. Nine. I cry. They turn off the mic, and then you just see them, like, freaking out. It's safe to say that they're ignoring us, so we're going to have to bust here we're like surrounded right we're like in a clear cell yes you in a clear empty cell with no furniture in it no furniture okay but like there's air right air comes in here how

does air come into the cell there's a vent you can see above on the top of the cell so the whole cell is glass can we reach it if we stand on each other's shoulders uh why don't you try acrobatics hey link give me a boost here okay i think they're gonna see us but all right here yes but what are they gonna do about it i guess open the door exactly we could run exactly i'll take the vent you go barrel out the front way okay all right i rolled a 13 plus 114 that's a natural 20 bad ones before that what does your natural 20 do you were climbing on me right i think the moment you get to my legs,

I just fucking like perfectly shove him straight up into the vent. Oh, okay, great. So you're just already in the vent. How big is this vent? It is man-sized, like all good vents. Classic bed vents. Like all good vents.

This vent checks out. Actually, you know what? No, they were smarter. This one's smaller than a man, but it's the perfect size for a teenager. Teen size. Teen size vent. Small enough for a man,

strong enough for a woman. So I get yeeted into this vent. Right. And everyone sees you. Oh, no, but do they? Roll perception, Andy. They're arguing about it because they got the wrong person. No, you roll guards.

You roll stealth. Okay. I'm not rolling. It's not two people, Freddie. It's an entire group of people have guns looking at us. Two plus three, five. Five. Yeah.

Okay. So they definitely see it. As you're climbing through this vent, you hear a distant at first. gonna hold my breath and then okay great so roll uh constitution i go look look over here don't look up there and i start doing the whatnot four plus three seven okay i managed to hold my breath perfectly by run out by the time whatever this is gets to me yeah yeah yeah yeah there was no gas you and then you have to take a big breath when the gas gets to you and immediately you start crying it's acidic it's burning the inside of your lungs it's not going to kill you but it's going to take a lot to make you keep crawling through this vent i'm glad it's you two stuck in this like jail situation because

when i heard this i would have been like oh no snakes that's that's what I thought it was. I thought it was snakes. The FBI was going to release snakes into the vent. Release the snakes. So is he just passed out up there? I think it's like tear gas, right? It's tear gas. It's like really hurting you. So you can decide to try to keep going,

or you can go back and get out. What's the penalty if I try to push through? If it gets bad enough, you're going to start taking really bad HP damage, and then you might pass out. I think I'm going to press forward. Okay. I assume that the vent is also clear.

Oh, no, no, no. It's a die-hard vent that's made out of metal and stuff. It's not like the X-Men thing where it's like a full 360 completely empty and there's just a me inside a tube 10 feet in the air. Okay, if you want to keep going, go ahead and give me another constitution roll.

Come on, motherfucker. I just don't understand his endgame. 16 plus 3, 19. so you get just far enough 19 inches forward before you pass out for a pay so you get just far enough to see that there is a grill in front of you that's pointed downward hamburgers on that at the outside of the cell that link is currently in so links in the cell you manage to move just beyond the bounds of the cell okay fine i'm gonna turn around and then face back the way i came because you said it's very small it's a tight size thing i'm gonna fill my body up so that the gas now vents downwards into that room they

release tear gas into themselves oh that's fun oh so you're gonna block the vent you're gonna winnie the pooh yeah i'm gonna winnie the pooh it so that i shoot tear gas into their control room and all those poindexters won't be able to handle it. That's pretty fun. Yeah, how are you blocking it? Are you just like curling up like a ball? It doesn't matter because I rolled a one. Yeah, you pass out.

I tried to do that. I need to turn around so I'm not facing the vent. And so as I'm trying to like turn around like Austin Powers style inside this vent, I just pass out. I just pass out. You hit yourself on the head really hard as you try to do a quick three-point turn inside of this fucking vent. So, like, I'm hearing him, like, crawling above me, and then I hear him stop.

Yeah, you hear a loud bang, and then it stops, and then you hear one of the scientists outside go like, oh, I can see his face in the grill. He's like, yeah, he's unconscious. He's good. We're back to Scary and Norm. Ah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Ah! Ah! Ah Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh! Holy! Did you see that? What's going on? I can't believe I'm stuck here now. They get to go in, like, the cool, like, alt universe. I bet they're having the time of their lives. I bet, like, I don't know, I bet they're being, like, interrogated and getting to say cool things like,

no, fuck you, and I'm just stuck here. Scary! What do we do? Do we do do we what else we're like the debate well i don't know anything like what the guys just left what's what's going on i'm freaking out so may hails who is here says okay okay i think what you can focus on is trying to win the debate because that's an immediate problem who were those guys mrs hails she puts up quotation marks that's the fbi why are you putting quotation marks up? What's that about? So are they like legit or not?

Because they're not really the FBI. They're a shadow organization inside the government. Do they suck like the FBI? They suck worse than the FBI. They're called the FBI, but it doesn't stand for Federal Bureau of Investigation. They're the Final Boreanaz Initiative. What? What?

I don't know who that is, but I- Sit down. I can tell you all about it. They're really, really obsessed with demons. Not doodler stuff. Not like what we're doing trying to save the world. They're really obsessed with demons and hell dimensions and all that kind of stuff. That sounds metal as fuck.

Kind of, yeah. But not the way they do it. They're being like narcs about it. They're not like pro demons. They're like, er, demons. Are friends? Are they going to be okay? Are they going to kill them?

What's going on? As long as none of them have any demon DNA in them, they'll be totally fine. Oh, okay. Probably not. I mean, all right. I don't know, Norm. I get vibes from Link. He's so tall.

Thank you, Link. I got to sit down, and then Norm just sits down on the floor and starts rubbing his temples. This has been a lot. This is a lot. This is a lot to ask of a 14 year old. May says, I know, I know it's a lot. What I would recommend

is that you just get as good a night's sleep as you can. I'll head into Wrighton's dungeon. I'll pick some locks. I'll see if I can find some items that can help me find them. You just need to have a good day at school tomorrow for your debate. Are you fucking kidding me?

I don't, this, I'm trying to be calm. I'm trying to be the adult. But what else can you do? I don't know where they are. You don't know where they are. You need to worry about the mayor. Because if you can't, there's going to be an incursion point. There's demon guys running around.

We almost got killed by the mayor and we still got to do our homework tonight. That's what you're telling me. I mean, I don't think we need to do like homework, homework. But if you could take point on the debate, like, I'd really appreciate it. But May's got a point. Like, we should get a good night's rest or whatever. I could tell you a bedtime story if you want. Oh, that'd be great.

As weird as this sounds scary, I think that might actually calm me down. It's just, you know, it's been a lot lately. No, I totally get it. I totally get it. Okay, so once upon a time- I crawl into Taylor's bed. You huddle one of his body pillows? Yeah.

There were, like, these four kids, right? Okay. And they were living in a town in, like, Maine, right? Keep going. This is helping. So, like, they weren't very popular, but they became, like, best friends or whatever. Okay. But, like, that summer, like, a lot of kids were going missing.

Oh, okay. And, like, they didn't know, like a lot of kids were going missing. And like they didn't know like what was causing it. But eventually, it turned out to be this evil clown that like could personalize whatever each kid was super scared of.

So like, what are you scared of? Clowns? Fuck, that's perfect. You know, for you, if this thing were real, like... But it's not, right? No, it's not. I know, for you, if this thing were real, like. But it's not, right? No.

I mean, it could be like, look at all the crazy stuff. Maybe it's like, do I think about it? It makes it real. Yeah, that's kind of like what happens in the story, too. Oh, my God. So they think that they get rid of it, right? But no way. They grow up and they have like kids and they think that their lives are cool.

But no no it follows them like all the way until they're adults and like i don't remember what happens after that i think like the second part was kind of sucky of the story at least not that i'm making it up but anyways may hails leans over goes thank you for omitting certain details from that story. Oh, kids also like all have... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no play and be like, hello, ladies. Wait, when you're not there? It appears that the man, Taylor, has stepped out

and has given you the run of his room. That's probably something it would say to make us feel at home, right? That happens every time you leave the room. Well, if it detects

if there's people in there, if my Alexa detects that there's people in there and I'm not there, then clearly, Taylor's mom is very rich. So your mom's cleaning or your mom just goes to your room for any reason. Please make yourself comfortable.

Your mom learned not to stay in your room for more than 35 seconds at a time if you're not in there. Please make yourselves comfortable. There's a Monster Energy drink to your left. And then the lights turn on to highlight that energy drink fridge. Please avail yourself of the many Ramunes inside. You know what? Scary. That story wasn't as scary as this.

I'm going home. Help. This can't be legal. My friend, is he okay? Also, what? Where's my dad? Is my dad okay? They press the button down and the FBI agent who came to your home says,

do either of you have a way of summoning foster foster yes nicholas foster his dad so you really don't know shit about shit okay great this is gonna be this is gonna be a waste of time press the pusher button one of the fucking walls of the vent just like comes out a little bit and on a pneumatic arm towards you and just slowly pushes you back the way you came i go to the event like a crane game your ass just falls down through the uh yeah like a loose turd just falls out through the vent that you came from and when you land the shock of landing kind of wakes you back i catch him very gently okay oh yeah and i put him down i go sleep sleep well okay if you want to be not conscious for this dialogue scene no i'm back

i'm back up it's just wake up i slap you what are you doing did you find anything up there we gotta get out of here i almost made it i almost made it but hey that was a good toss are you on the cheer team you totally could be on the cheer team open fields that's where i live this is i'm getting so claustrophobic i hate this i'm just like i started running i'm like running around like an animal like around a circle just freaking out i start pounding so you're gonna have the death of a kid on your hands in five seconds i swear to god i can't handle this like threatened to kill me take me off i'm gonna no i couldn't i would never do that looks like it's up to me and i'm gonna get link in the rear naked choking bag if you don't let us out i'm killing this kid and his blood

will be on your hands so the fbi agent, like raises the fingers if he had an idea and then you do that and his finger like goes limp and he goes, ah, I was going to say, if you don't do something, we're going to kill your friend, but you're going to kill him.

So, so. That's right. Link, this is the secret of debate. You always got to keep them guessing. I push him off me. Okay, fuck this. We'll kill both of you. What? If you don us if you want to roll insight you can try this you i mean 13 plus 2 15 i ate i don't know what you're saying you don't know what he's saying but taylor

you can see that when he says stop us he's looking directly at you taylor what the fuck do you want me to do dude whatever it takes to prevent this from happening And the ceiling tiles above you unfurl and you see a couple of like space age looking ass little laser turrets. They point at you through the glass. That is pure heat that is going to pass through unharming the cell that you're in, but it will vaporize you in about three to five seconds after I hit this button. So if you feel like, I don't know, calling for someone who might help you or unleashing a power that maybe you didn't know you had, you've got 10 seconds. Can we take a quick timeout? I feel like there's often a misunderstanding between

adults and us children, but like you did happen to realize when you took us out, there was a elected official like in our room, weird and dangerous. Like, don't you think maybe that would be better than us two idiots that just were just what the weird person in our room weird and dangerous like don't you think maybe that would be better than us two idiots that just we're just what the weird person in the room did they have uh demonic energy i mean yeah that's one word for it yeah freaking she was wild was she on fire no okay not demonic energy then okay waste of my time. Okay, ten, nine... Miss Hale, Miss Hale, please help. I'm working for a secret organization called Daddy's...

I'm ratting the whole thing out. I don't want to work there anymore. I just want to find my dad. You want to take us to court? I'll rat them all out. These people are all... They made us do this against our will. They're kidnapping children. That's right. They're us do this against our will. They're kidnapping children.

That's right. They're always going to do things that they were meant to do. I have nothing to do with this. I swear to God. I just want to watch anime. I'm going to play with my swords, okay, man? Our boss kills people, and now the FBI is killing kids? I know exactly what she looks like.

I have every information you need on her. You can put her away. I don't care. I don't care. I'll give you her number right here. These are all the things that she gave us. My dad kills for a living just help us please okay both of you roll because you're not lying you're just giving everybody up so i guess roll persuasion with advantage

oh thank god 18 i got 19 okay i'm a hugging taylor also no here's what it is matt we're both hugging each other and then over each other's shoulders we're just screaming about how we're gonna rat our friends out. So the agent cocks their head and presses a button and the turrets are tracked back into the ceiling. He goes, So you guys really don't know anything, huh?

About anything. I know everything about daddies. I'll show you the headquarters. There's all kinds of weird shit going on. We know quite a bit. It's just, I don't know what you're talking about. We're just, we're just trying to save our dads and we're trying to stop this weird stuff from happening

because people are dying. They say, what do you know about Code Purple? We've heard of it. What do you know about it? We don't know anything about it. They said, don't do it. That's the thing that they told us. They said, don't do it.

Okay. Are you going to kill us? That remains to be. And then at that moment, you see a red klaxon going off behind him and it sort of fills the room with red light. Somebody punches their way through the door and you can see that there's a long hallway leading to what looks like an elevator that the doors are just closing up. And this person's

running hurriedly. You can hear the guy go, what, what's going on? And they say, he's here, he's coming. The savior demon's here. He's fucking here. And they go, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. And fear, like all the blood drains from this agent's face and he goes uh okay okay if you want to get out of this alive if you want any of us to get out of this alive you're gonna work with us you're gonna do what we tell you to do right right kids right yeah you're the fbi we're kids yeah roll insight real quick four 15 plus two seven when link says you're the fbi you see the lead agent like snicker for a second um And he goes, okay, like all their shirts like these look like they bought them on Venice.

The laser turrets come back out. He makes a bunch of like hand gestures at all the men with guns and all of them kick the doors open and leave them open. And they all point down the hallway towards the elevator. And you can see even from this distance, the fucking elevator has like, you know, it's got a long way to go.

You can see the little like lights going away from us. They're all looking away from you right now. I think these like, you know, it's, it's got a long way to go. You can see the little like, okay, so they're all looking away from us. They're all looking away. Okay. So I go, I think these might just boost me back up there, bro. Yeah. Let's fucking get out of here.

Dude, roll stealth with advantage. 18. Oh, natural 20 plus three. Wow. Okay. So you managed to done it once.

Yes. Yeah. I'm not going to make you roll for the athletics. Cause you know, you know how each other's bodies feel. So you managed to stealthily and quickly get right back up the vent. They've switched off the gas since they pushed you all the way to the back and they don't notice you there.

So you can, again, move forward pretty easily to the grill that overlooks the spot that all of the guards are at. Half of them would notice you when you drop down and the other half wouldn't, or you could keep climbing around in the vents and see what else you could find. We're looking for fresh air, right? Can I just there do i have to roll let's like it's a

two man like yeah because you boosted him oh yeah yeah i feel like he's got a role he has to roll athletics to pull you okay yeah i'm very tall so it's not as hard for me to reach the top two plus one three okay so you with your weak little anime two okay i sprained two. Okay. I sprained my ankle when I jumped. You land and it hurts real, real bad. Can you try one more time if you hold Teenie up? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For extra length. He jumps and he misses, all right?

And I feel like there should be a penalty on this next one. But then the next one, I'll hold Teenie's hand. And then Teenie's arm will go out to his. And that gives us the extra six inches to maybe grab on. Okay. I will make a strength check for Teenie to see how well Norm constructed Teenie to beat the X Factor.

I feel like that's because you made him. I think it might be intelligence. Like how well did you craft this thing? Uh-oh. That's a 19. Okay, so yes, using Tiny Teenie will undo the penalty I was going to give you for jumping with a busted ankle.

Tiny is secretly made out of a bit of the actual foam from the actual teeny head. He's like birthed from the flesh of teeny himself. Yeah, it's like how the Norse believe that Earth was made out of Ymir's blood after they murdered him. Very similar thing. I guess I'm trying to decide between

trying to just jump up again and join you, which obviously I would want to do, or just like trying to make it so that they don't know you're gone. Or we could do a three-way party split. Has any D&D podcast ever dared attempt the three-way party split? That feels like the Daffy Duck,

like I can only do it once. Once again, you roll athletics, Freddy. You roll acrobatics, Matt. And then, because you're using teeny, I won't give you a penalty for your fucked up ankle. Okay. 12 plus one, 13. I got a nine.

You managed to grab him by the hand, but his legs are dangling. And now stealth with disadvantage five five okay so they see that you're dangling out of there so somebody goes the kids are trying to get out of the thing should we the gas should we with the gas and i'm gonna roll should we the gas should we the gas should we with the gas he fails his wisdom throw and he goes don't worry about the fucking kids the fucking white whale's coming down here now. Fucking let them go. Who gives a shit? Let's say with that, you are now inside the vent with your boy. And if you're up to the grill where you can see down sort of into the other area, you hear bing and some elevator doors open.

And suddenly you can feel the heat of the room that you're in increase by about 10 degrees. Like even in the fucking vents. Now that I'm beginning to understand what Grant was, one of the uh subtle sniper skills he taught me okay which is just knowing the air direction so i look my finger and i just want to get a sense of it will help me like get through the vent like the right way towards sure the central air yeah so what you can feel is that basically the vents that you're in actually get a roll roll nature roll survival fucking i got a four i mean i wasn't doing with advantage because your dad's a sniper. Oh, cool.

So this time I got a three, though. Okay, even better. I'm fucking changing my dice. You know that air comes from outside. Okay, well. I got confident. I think it's this way. I point straight ahead. Yeah, we're going to continue crawling through the events.

You can either go straight on. Okay. Sort of in the direction toward that hallway, or you can turn to the right. Taylor, you're a survivalist, man. Where were you go? This is probably a central air system. And if they got HVAC guys pulling it along,

then the straightest route is going to lead to wherever the central stuff is coming from. That's going to lead to the elevator shaft in front of us. Well, that's a demon. I know, but we're underground. The demon will go here. We'll go over whatever the hell's down there. So I think we go straight through. I hate to do this, but how well does Taylor know?

Because none of us knew elevators existed a week ago. Oh, shit, you're right. Suddenly this guy's acting like an expert. I just found out. I thought the cinema sends it, but it's fine. I feel like the moment he found out about elevators, he's done nothing but research elevators in the two weeks. He checked all the conspiracy boards

and everything he could find about up-down rooms. Fair enough. Roll perception to see if you can hear what's going on in the cut scene that's going on beneath it. 16. I got a 15. Okay, so you can both hear Taylor slightly better.

The conversation that's going down there. It kind of echoes in the vent. Yeah, it kind of echoes up through the vent, like the beginning of Metal Gear Solid. You hear a voice that strikes you as ever so slightly familiar, Taylor, saying, where is he you hear a bunch of shouting voices you hear a bunch of shouting voices and people shouting for him to

get down on the ground to turn off his flame to fucking get his hands behind his back you hear this rhythmic stepping forward because his footsteps don't sound like anybody else's because it's almost like you know when like you toss a little bit of water onto a really hot pan and it just sizzles like that it's like every footstep he's taking, you can hear that and you can feel some of that heat coming up in this vent, even though you can't see him at this point. And he goes, where is my boy? You hear the FBI agent, the FBI in quotation marks agent in the back going like he's safe for now. If you want to go ahead and make sure that he stays that way you feel free to go ahead and step inside the suite that we've prepared for you my boy and you hear the hot guy

uh voice saying i don't think that's gonna happen can i roll divine sense sure what does that do it lets me detect if something's good and evil so i can get a sense of if i sense like evil so you can feel that the that's not behind total coverage just making it out there for the rules lawyers. Are we in total cover inside this? Who cares? I do not give a shit. Okay. So you can sense that the FBI agent

that came to your house and threatened to kidnap your father is evil. Cool. You can feel that the FBI agent that's working under him that's slightly shorter is also evil. More evil. Well, shorter evil. It's in a smaller

area, so more of the nerve endings. Yeah, he's got fucking Napoleon Syndrome, so if he got that much power, he'd be way worse. And then the hot person that's talking and walking forward is both good and evil. That makes him hotter, damn it! Yeah, sorry. You hear plumes of

flame exploding. You can feel the heat radiating through this metal vent, and it's actually beginning to hurt and burn your hands. Do we hear a Wilhelm scream? Yes, you exploding. You can feel the heat radiating through this metal vent, and it's actually beginning to hurt and burn your hands. Do we hear a Wilhelm scream? Yes, you do. You hear one Wilhelm scream. And you hear that other scream that's like, like the fucking Starcraft Academy scream.

Also, if you went back and listened to it again, you can hear way low in the mix the Howard Dean scream, but it's not like in Breaking Bad where it's so obvious it takes you out of the scene. And you hear blood hitting the fucking ground and you hear sizzling and things boiling and burning. That could just be coffee. That could just be coffee, Link, let's go.

And you are getting closer and closer to the elevator and you hear that same hot voice say, where the hell is Taylor? I look at Taylor. I'm fucking crawling faster, dude. Are you kidding? So you make it to the vent. The vent opens just on top of the elevator.

We take a quick second to marvel at the fact that you can carve a shaft out of it all. It's incredible. Yeah, it's very scary. Incredible. If you look up, you immediately get overwhelmed with a sense of vertigo. You've only been in one up-down room,

and you've never been in an up-down room but even if you had even if you were a veteran of up down room shafts this would have been the tallest up down room shaft you've ever seen you cannot see its terminus point it goes on for so fucking high up and so fucking far that's good it means your chance of getting Emilio Estevez in Mission Impossible is like super low you'll have a lot of time to see that shit coming. Come on, Tyler. It's just like, it's just like ropes in gym. I mean, I'm at my gym at home, but you guys did that too.

I start climbing. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm already like 10 feet. I'm like, wait, wait, I'm just going to press the button. We just go in here and go inside the elevator. Yeah. Oh, okay. I'll stay up.

No, that's the scary. I'll go down. I go in. Yeah. So I kick the top of it down and like press the button on the elevator for, you know, whatever the top floor is. Okay. So you kick the little thing that is presumably in the ceiling of every elevator that allows

people to do this. Which it isn't, by the way. I've looked. I've never, I've actually never seen one. Yeah. Me neither. But it's here. That's a full on movie invention, isn't it?

No, I've seen, I've seen one before in the wild. Really? Maybe I'm a full on movie invention, but I, but I've definitely seen people working on elevators from the top. Oh, cool. You've been in an elevator and you've looked up and you've seen some person staring back at you. I've seen people working on shafts before. I've seen people working on shafts before, too.

I've seen people working on access to the internet. That's just so funny. Yeah, you kick open the vent and you drop down into the elevator shaft. And just as you're about to press the button, the doors open and you see one of the scientists that you saw outside your cell has been like tapping on the up button as fast as he can. And as it opens, you can see behind him bodies that are cut in half, their wounds cauterized by a flaming sword. Some real Sephiroth in Shinra HQ energy. It's very similar. This is very similar tophiroth in shinra hq energy it's very similar yeah very similar to sephiroth and if hero was here she'd be like oh it's just like the ninja in metal gear solid one

you see a big bright flame near the cell that you used to be in then you think maybe a fire's gone wild or something like that but then the scientist who just pressed the button to open your door goes like oh jesus it's the kid And I fucking Sparta kick his ass backwards. This little fucking nerd is going to get the full brunt of a this is Sparta heel kick on him. Sure, give me an attack with advantage, an unarmed attack with advantage. Zephyr, strike!

At the same time, I'm pressing the closed door button. Those don't do anything, so it means nothing. Still pressing it faster. You know what? It makes you feel better 19 heal one hp 19 plus 3 22 baby you this is sparta this guy's so fucking hard he goes back like three feet and lands directly on his back which is a really nice reveal for that fire that you're looking at to all of a sudden get sucked back into one person. And you see somebody that looks kind of like

they might sort of, in certain circumstances, be related to you. You see a man with one arm, with flaming hair. What? With flaming hair. Oh my God. With piercing eyes, with a beard that has not been shaved in some time,

but in a way that's cool rather than gross. Oh, damn it. He is wearing a leather jacket, but not like the kind of like, oh, I do motorcycles, like a cool, in a way that's cool rather than gross. He is wearing a leather jacket, but not like the kind of like, oh, I do motorcycles. Like a cool one. Like a tasteful one. In his remaining hand, he is

holding a flaming sword. Hold on. Insight, what kind of sword? Go ahead and roll insight. Or go roll perception with advantage. I mean, because that's all that Taylor has eyes for. 13 plus 2, 15. With a 15, you can tell that this is a perfect, somehow it should be a recreation because it doesn't make any sense that they would have the real thing.

Right. But it seems to be a full-on Hattori Hanzo. Hanzo. Satana. Steel. And as you say that, his demon eyes. So he's doing the thing where his head's down, but his eyes look up. His demon eyes.

So he's doing the thing where his head's down, but his eyes look up. That shit. And he locks eyes with you. And then he starts T-1000 running straight at you. Button, button, button, button, button. Press it this whole time. Okay, so the doors slowly close as this figure starts running at you.

And then he throws the sword as hard as he can toward the center of where the doors will close. And I'm going to have him roll he throws the sword as hard as he can toward the center of where the doors will close and i'm gonna have him roll so the sword flies through the air in slow motion and as it approaches the open elevator door you see this man yell taylor down and you have a moment to do one thing i mean i guess i'm gonna hit the floor i hit the floor too cool the sword is long enough. It's like one of those big fucking like Uchigunata like fucking swords. Uchikatana.

Uchikatana. Thank you. That the hilt of it just barely is long enough that even with the blade of the sword embedded in the back of the elevator, the doors can't close fully around the hilt of it. So they blink and they begin to blink open. I've seen this on the internet too. If we were in handcuffs, we could do a cool thing where we use the sword to get rid of our handcuffs during that run i tied my hands and then when i get like oh perfect i reach me on my back and i use the sword so yeah you have one action basically before he is fully in the elevator with you it's levered in right so can i just like

lift it up so that it clears the doors yeah sure because i'm still freaking out yeah you're still freaking out but the sword is kind of also made of fire so go ahead and give me a strength check to see like but can you lever it up just enough that it gets but guess what a feature of me i have hellish resistance i have resistance to fire damage without knowing it oh i wonder why that is wonder why that is no you don't but i'm doing it what am i using i feel like you're using a strength check to see if you can move the sword the hilt of the sword just sort of like angle it a little bit up so that it's out of the way of the closing door push it deeper into the elevator or you could do that that's totally cool oh yeah uh 10 plus 3 13 that'll do it you can feel that even though this blade is hotter than hot in the words of ruby rod hot, hot, hot. You can feel like this entire elevator

now feels like an oven that you are just sort of trapped inside. But to you, it's not that bad. It actually feels kind of comforting in a weird way. Like it's warm, like it's a nice blanket being put around your shoulders on a cold winter's day. And you managed to angle the sword up just in time for the doors to once again close as this figure is trying to close the distance between you. And he goes, wait, wait, son. And the doors close. Oh my God. Is this Nick Foster?

That's Taylor's dad. I'm just kidding. So as we're going up in the elevator. Yes. Then there's only two buttons. There's the very bottom and the very top. Am I like, is it on fire? Yes, it is on fire.

Am I dying? Why would you be dying? Because he said it was super hot, but it was comfortable for him. We talked about how hot. We can bake a Totino's pizza. Hot or like. Sona, Sona. Yeah, it is on fire. Am I dying? Why would you be dying? Because he said it was super hot, but it was comfortable for him. How hot? We talked about how hot. How hot? Sauna.

Sauna. Sauna. Sauna. Sauna. Yeah, it's like, you know when you open an oven or step outside in Arizona and you just get that like woof of like hot air? It's just that, but constantly. You're not going to die from it.

It's just very unpleasant. The way you described it was like he's invincible too. Okay. You said you didn't know your dad? Is that your dad? He looked kind of like me, didn't he? Yeah, but like dangerous, like real bad. I don't know.

I don't look dangerous. I mean, like mean, like cool. Like you, maybe that's what you look like when you get older. I did take a 23andMe test. I did say it have non-human DNA. This all checks out. Man, you're lucky your dad's here. I start pressing down.

No, wait, wait, wait. Dude, that's your dad. And I felt he was like good, but like also evil. But like, I don't know. He didn't seem angry at us. And I don't know what's up there. Well, he can take the elevator. We got to figure out what the hell's going on.

And I'm not, I don't know. I don't think you could turn. And I don't know what's up there. Well, he can take the elevator. We got to figure out what the hell's going on. And I'm not, I don't know. I don't think you could turn an up-down room around after it started going up. You can't. So the up-down room goes on for another 15 minutes. Oh my God. We quickly run out of things to talk about. Yeah. Just sitting there being like, yeah, they should play music in these.

I think it would be like a cool, smooth, like, lot of soprano saxophone. I feel like it would really help kind of make this go a little bit faster. Eventually, the elevator shutters to a stop. The doors open, and you see 12 fully kitted out, body armored, military looking types holding assault rifles at the door.

You guys going down? The next day, dawn breaks. The crimson sky goes from black to red in almost an instant the way that it does every morning. Ew. Oh, that's the worst thing yet. That's so unsettling. Yeah. It sucks. It's just like the sun

turns on? Kinda, yeah. Wow. The black sun still burns angrily in the sky as you head back to school for your debate. Man, it sucks getting to school before sun on. I hit him scary by her locker before class. What's up? I'm feeling bright-eyed and bushy. I mean, actually, I'm feeling dark and, like, scary.

Good. This seems like good that you're being... So, I can't remember we left it off last night. You told me to go get a good night's sleep. So I figured you probably thought of

what we should do for the debate, right? No, I took that monster energy that Taylor had in his room and I stayed up watching like death metal, like behind the scenes videos. It's just death metal AMVs

that automatically played from the projector. Yes. Okay. Okay. Well, this is pretty cool. Anime might have something going on here. What are we, what are we going to do? What are we going to, how are we going to debate her? My stepdad, Terry, um, he always says like, be kind. Cause you never know what somebody's been through. Okay. I think that we take that logic and we use it to be like, hell, I mean, like, you know, just like, sometimes I really piss Terry off by being like, I know you are, but what am I?

Even when he didn't say anything. So just like, I think if we like, annoy the shit out of this mayor, then she won't want to be mayor anymore. Plus it's like, it's kind of weird that they have kids debating a mayor. What's the audience for the debate? Is it kids? Is it adults?

It is kids. You could use that in your favor. Nobody wants to be around a fucking adult. I think we got this. Okay, let's do it. Your debate topic should be, teens are cool, and then her, she has to defend, teens are not cool, and then Everyone's going to fucking hate her. Okay.

You enter the government classroom. And as always, Norm's mom is there. And she goes, aha, the debate can finally begin because the mayor is already standing there at a podium that looks like it's made of like a fucking like oak. It's just you look all fucked up and weird still. Yeah, still no one is reacting to that. No, they're just like, oh, wow, it's the mayor. It's impressive that somebody so important is in this classroom. Delightful. You're getting the sense maybe the more that you talk to other people and the more that you talk to the firefighters

and try to explain what went on in the kindergarten, that maybe people can't quite see the same things that you do, or maybe they don't want to see the same things that you do. I have an idea. Yeah, go ahead. Wait, just follow my lead. Okay. I give you a thumbs up. I give you a thumbs up too. I give you a second thumbs up. I stop it at that. Your mom gestures at your podium opposite the mayor. She goes, oh, just the two of you today.

That's fine. That's fine. So as is so often the case, we will go ahead and start by picking the topic and then picking a side for that topic. So whoever gets to pick the topic first, then gets to pick, the other person gets to pick the side. Shit. Now that fucks up my plan. So the mayor says, I will allow you to pick whichever you wish. Maybe we make her pick the topic, we pick the side. Yeah, let's do that. Scarlett, you're really chill. I feel like we're

getting along. Like, you know, every time it's the four of us, there's a lot of arguing, but it feels like you and I are in sync here. I think that we're totally in sync. Yeah sure. So you two are talking and one of the students a young girl named Skylar turns to another student goes is it just me or am I getting like are they like vibes coming from those two? No. Skylar nods knowingly to herself. Okay. You're like six. Why are you in high school?

I'm really smart. I passed all my SATs and my SATs. Okay okay I passed all my SATs too. I passed all my SATs and my SATs. Okay, okay, I pass all my SATs too. I pass all my SATs, my scary ass test. Skylar cocks her head and goes, she goes, with that improv, I don't know if you did. You know what,

Miss Mayor, we're going to let you pick and then we'll pick the side. The topic is, which has more influence over our personalities, nature or nurture? Nature or nurture. What do you think? Well, I mean, nature's pretty badass.

Like, we got that red sky and shit like that. And nurture just kind of sounds kind of dumb and, like, icky. I guess nature, because, like, I'm nothing like my parents at all. Okay. And I'm trying to not be like myself, which is how my dad raised me to be. But I'm finding that kind of hard. So that would be nature, too. Yeah.

We're going to say nature. We'll pick nature. Okay. I will be nurture. Okay. Damn, I feel like we just kind of handed her, like, the easy one. Like, lots of people are going to be like, oh, I love nurture. Oh, well, we'll just have to convince these stupidos that we're going to write.

Okay. So what's going to happen is you get to go first if you wish. If not, I can go first. We're each going to get 90 seconds to speak. Oh, shit. And then we'll switch. And we'll do that, let's say, three times trying trying to deal with the other person's counter-argument. And this is Anthony.

If you want to roll for persuasion, then the quality of your arguments will be taken better by the class. She points at the class. She says, the class is going to be the ones to decide the winner. And the class, they don't know me very well, and they don't know you very well. So it'll just be based perfectly on the content of the words that we say. So that's fair.

Some kids have signs that are like nurture. You guys should just bribe them in your last round. If you will for us, we promise to. And then just talk about how you're going to buy everyone McDonald's or something. So would you like to go first? Was there something last episode where we were like, if we win, there's no incursion? What was the... Specifically, you were trying to find a way to get the mayor

to not be on the sauce anymore. In order to do that, you needed to make her give up the thing that made her connect with the doodler in the first place, which was, to your understanding, her desire to make her dead mother proud by running for and achieving office, essentially. If you win the debate, May Hales is in the back holding a sign

that's just saying all this. If you win the debate, it will weaken her enough to the point where maybe one of us, and then an arrow pointing at her, May Hales, can kill her and stop the incursion. And then Mayer's like, what does that say on the sign?

And May Hales folds it up really quickly. Man, old people can't read far away for shit. So would you like to go first or would you like me to go first? Should we toss a coin? We could absolutely toss a coin. I'm going to toss a coin and you're going to call heads or tails in the air.

Okay. Heads, right? I don't know, tails is cooler though. Say what it is. What do you want? Tails. It's heads. Shit, fuck.

So that means I get to choose who goes first and I will choose that you go first God damn it When you are ready say start And I will give you 90 seconds Do you want to go first? Okay go for it You can also talk together you're one cohesive entity

Well I mean like we'll be interrupting each other Talking over each other We've got a lot to say Because we're going to fucking kick ass at this fucking debate. That's fair. That's great. That's great. Okay.

You have to say start to start. I forget which side we're on, dude. Oh, my God. We're nature. We're nature. Okay. Nature. Okay.

Start. So my stepdad, Terry Jr., got the same fucking name I do. Pretty ridiculous, right? And so, yeah, you know the truth now. My name's not Scary. It's Terry. It's Teresa technically, but I've always gone by Terry until my stupid stepdad moved in and his name was Terry.

And, you know, he got that from his father or whatever or his stepdad or whatever. He had daddy issues, hardcore but i don't because i don't consider him my dad that's right whoever out there who like really was my dad like that's who i am and no amount of fucking nurture or lack thereof can change me that's right i came out the womb ready to fucking fight and be who I am. And nothing's going to fucking change me or change anything. And that's true of all you guys. You guys are great just the way you are, unless you're totally fucking stupid.

Nobody's going to fucking change you by being like, oh, I'll nurture you or whatever. That's fucking bullshit. Go ahead. Follow me up, fucking Norm. Yeah. You have 24 seconds left. Yeah. And you know what?

Nature's really cool. That's like Mother Nature, right? And we all have 24 seconds left. Yeah, and you know what? Nature's really cool. That's like Mother Nature, right? And we all come from Mother Nature. We come from the Earth, and we're beautiful children of the Earth, not of each other. You're gonna say your parents make you who you are? That sucks.

My dad sucks. I'll say it. He's like, I don't want you to be the way you are. You gotta be a different way. Our dads suck. Our dads suck. Our dads suck.

Our dads suck. Our dads suck. Our dads suck. Our dads suck. Our dads suck. Our dads suck. That's time. That's time. Okay. Wow. Some really cogent

arguments put forth there for me to rebut. How did the class react to our dads suck as a chant? They were rolling. I heard a whole class chanting to it.

persuasion. I got a 16 plus. That's so wild that we both got 16 wow this were insane plus 1 17 and an 18 so yes some of the kids in the class start chanting our dads suck

the ones who hate their dads which is about half of them there's that one kid who's just like I quite enjoy the presence of my father my father has given father has the dealership and he's going to give it to me upon his passing i would never say i can't handle what's going on school today now it's going to be the mayor's turn she's going to clear her throat and say nurture we are nothing without nurture scary or terry whatever she might wish to call herself

she has a lot of anger in her and i don't believe that's because of her biology. I don't believe that's because who she is when she came out of the womb. She told you herself, she was Terry until her stepfather showed up and then she became Terry Jr. Jr. She's scary. Oh yeah, dude, hit the mark.

The nature of her, that she was a kind, open person who used to play varsity soccer. She changed into a much more morose person because of the nurture that she got from her father that she didn't understand how to handle, stepfather one might say. And this one, this tiny little normal boy, you know that he was teeny the teen. He was born to be teeny the teen in a sense, but what was stronger than what was in his blood? It was the desire for the love of his family and his friends. And so he abandoned what he wanted truly in his own heart to become normal. And what you see before you is a boy who is so very terrified

of his own identity, so terrified of what his own DNA is, that he allowed himself to nurture himself into becoming something perverse and other. And that is the most negative element of nurture. The best parts of nurture, kindness, love, the things that we all can give freely to one another. That is what makes all of us so kind and so loving and so great.

And that is why I love all of you. I yield the rest of my time. You have two extra seconds if you want it. I feel like we got off easy. Yeah, we got off easy, dude. So first of all, did anyone laugh when I farted? That's number one. Okay.

Do I roll for that? Yes. I'm trying to undermine her performance. Yes. Just give me a charisma roll. Scary's jaw is on the floor, by the way. Scary has changed sides. I got a five.

You got a five. When you did your mouth fart, one person, Kayla was like, but everybody else was actually kind of enraptured by what the mayor was saying. And so the mayor has also rolled for the quality of her persuasive role. And I'm not going to tell you what it is. So you have one minute for a rebuttal to everything that I just said. I cast vicious mockery. Okay.

What does that do? You unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments at a creature you can see within range. If the target can hear you, it must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or take one d4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll

it makes before the end of its turn. Okay, so she definitely failed her wisdom saving throw. So before the timer even started, what did you say to the mayor? You can talk about me and my stepdad all you want but you're never gonna impress your mom or who used to be your mom she's not your mom anymore oh my god damn dude do not fuck with teen girls and like holy so she takes a d i'm gonna go ahead and advantage that she takes 2d4 of psychic damage and you see one of her eyelids just go like it just twitches

just a little bit her smile does not falter but you got through to her if she's going to ever throw an attack at you uh she's going to do so disadvantage which actually i feel like for the purposes of this the next thing she says to you when she rolls for persuasion she's going to be doing it at disadvantage because she's going to be a little bit more heated yeah so now you have a minute to rebut the things that she said. I take a stand. Okay. And I say, our love for our families is a part of who we are, not a part of what we became because of them.

And it is destructive. Yes, you are right. My desire to love my family causes me to do all sorts of crazy stuff. That is an inborn desire. family causes me to do all sorts of crazy stuff. That is an inborn desire. The same way your inborn desire to make your mom happy was given to you by your mom. And it has led you down all sorts of dark, destructive paths in your life. And that's because of who you are as a person, not because of who you were raised to be. We hold these truths to be self-evident. Scary, put them in a body bag. We're born with this fucking rage inside of us.

You can all feel it, right? Everybody in this room is angry. And that's something we didn't even know was a part of us. Not anything that was tampered with by our parents or whatever. We were born with this. Stop. We gotta... That was good.

All right, now both of you roll persuasion. 21. Three. Hey, you know what? Okay. On top of Will's, though, that's 25 altogether. Yeah,... That was good. All right, now both of you roll persuasion. 21. Three. Hey, you know what? Okay. On top of Will's, though, that's 25 altogether. Yeah, it's not bad. Or 24.

It's 24, yeah. Yep, there we go. Good thing you're not in math class. Now she is going to rebut your rebut, and she is gonna get a full minute to do so. So she arches her back, which is uncomfortable to look at and uncomfortable to hear

because you hear the pop of every single vertebrae. And the number of pops you hear, there shouldn't be that many vertebrae in a human body. And she temples her fingers together and she takes a big breath in through her nose and a big breath out through her mouth. And she says, I loved my mother.

She was cruel. She was harsh. She emotionally abused me every day. Before she died, I thought I will do anything it takes to ruin her. I will do anything it takes to make her disgusted by me to live my own life. But when she got into that car accident, I realized in that moment from the nurturing that I received from my father, from my mother's mother, from my family, that I needed to do better, that I needed to be better. I was born with that very anger that you speak of burning inside of me. But what changed me? What moved all that anger aside? It was love. It was nurturing from my community, from my family. I'm a much different, much kinder,

family. I'm a much different, much kinder, much more loving person now, despite my nature. Not because of it. Three, two, one. Shit, shit, shit. Is that it? Did we get another one? You're going to get another one.

A minute or 30 seconds? The next one's going to be 30 seconds. That went really bad. This isn't going well, Scary. You've got to play the crowd. Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia comes in. She goes, okay, so this final one, we're gonna do final statements. It's not to each other.

It's just to the crowd. And if there's anything, kids in the crowd, you wanna yell out to really get the best out of the debaters, feel free. So you might have some questions coming at you in the moment, and it's gonna be 45 seconds. You're going to get four whole 45 seconds. So, uh, it's you up first, my, my lovely son, but I'm, I'm not biased. I'm not voting in the debate. So no, no, no big deal. Both of you make great points by the way. Say start and I'll hit the timer.

Just promise them pizza, dude. Yeah. I can go first if you want. Go first. You go first. I'm panicking. Start. I don't fucking know who my real dad is. I have no fucking idea. But, like, he was a lot cooler and a whole lot more beastly than fucking this new guy, right? And I know that I'm the way I am because of him. And so wherever he is, if he ever wants to come back or whatever, that'd be, like, totally cool because I'm really cool because of him. And also, if you vote for us. How do you know that if you've never known your dad? Because I'm really cool because of him. And also, how do you know that if you've

never known your dad? Because I'm so cool and because nature wins and because if you vote for me, I'll give you free pizza. Oh, I rip off my shirt, my Jimmy Buffett shirt. OK, and I take off my stupid hat. OK, and I wipe the fucking mascara off my face and pull my socks off and rip off my soccer shorts from in my tighty whities. And then I grab a dry erase marker off the table and I put a big T on my chest. I say, I am teeny the fucking teen. And no one can take that from me because that's who I am. Not who my dad wants me to be. Not who my mom wants me to be. It's who I am. God damn it. Now let's do the whatnot. And I try to do the whatnot. The what? The whatnot. The what? The whatnot. All right. Roll your, uh, your D20s for persuasion

or performance. Those are both very performative and persuasive. I got a 14. Okay. I got a 19 plus one. Wow. Okay. So with a 14, with the doing the whatnot, like you get the class to do the whatnot. They're staying up. They're doing the whatnot. And your mom is like, mom is like oh no come on i mean i'm personally in favor of kids expressing themselves however they want to but like i'll get in trouble so oh come on no more than what okay that's a little that's a little graphic that's a little great please stop okay okay everybody sit down sit down sit down and everybody kind of calms down settles down but the whatnot excited them you saw a lot of ears prick up at free pizza. That's what did it. This is what debating really is. It's not what you know, it's who you can buy.

And now for 45 seconds, the mayor is going to get her rebuttal. So the mayor cricks her neck to the left, cricks her neck to the right. When she cricks her neck, her neck like goes under the line of her shoulder as she does it. It's just like a little too far in both directions, a little too far. She puts her hands together almost in prayer and then sort of gestures at the group and she is

going to start. First of all, free pizza for a year if I win. Second of all, I'm very rich. Third of all, all of us have anger, have fear, have all these negative things that we believe define us that we can't explain where they came from. They're just seemingly who we are, as if they'll never change. But I want to tell each and every one of you, every child in this room, every teenager, every teen, every adult, she says, mentioning to the teacher, you're not the circumstances you were given. They influence you a great deal, but you can be more with better circumstances, with better friends, with hope, with thinking, with meditation, with learning, you can be more than you were.

You are more than you think you are. You have everything that you need to be perfect because you already are perfect. I yield my time. That's nature. You just said nature. If you already are perfect, then that was your nature. Doesn't matter. That's not going on the transcript.

All right, so she rolls her persuasion and a couple of the kids of the class are crying. It seemed to go really well. So because this is a D&D podcast, sort of, there needed to be some dice rolling.

So some dice rolling is going to happen. That got you some debate points. The majority of your debate points are going to come from me transcribing everything that we said within the confines

of those spans of time during the debate. And I'm going to show it to some friends of mine that have never listened to a single episode of Dungeons and Daddies. Well, that's fucked up. And they're your friends? Yeah, and I'm not going to tell them which one is me and which one is you.

They are going to read through those transcripts, and they're going to vote for one side or the other. Okay. And then I'm going to roll additional dice based on who gets the most votes and stuff like that, and then the next time we sit down to record, dice based on who gets the most votes and stuff like that. And then the next time we sit down to record, I will know who won the debate. But in the fiction of the story, Mrs. Swallows-Oak-Garcia says, what a lovely debate of both sides made. I'm undecided. I love the idea

of pizza just once. I also love the idea of pizza for the rest of the year. Both of those are equally good for some reason. But I just want to say thank you so much, Mrs. Mayor, Madam Mayor. And she goes, oh, just mayor is perfectly fine. And I want to thank my beautiful son, nor or is it teeny now? Don't talk to me, mom. And I walk out of the room. Oh, Hermie was right. Kitten does have claws. But a scary also scary walks out of the room. Okay, cool. So I guess classes, well, I can't dismiss it. We still have like another hour in the class,

but the mayor goes, how about that pizza? And the kids go, yay. And pizza gets brought in. We got to kill the mayor. Yeah, we got to kill the mayor.

It's actually a huge relief norm. Cause I was never going to be able to afford that pizza. Yeah. That wasn't going to one pizza. That felt like a campaign promise. So I wasn't going to follow up on that, but I'm glad they didn't either. That seemed like that could have really derailed us.

I do want to do one thing. I would also like to cast detect good, even evil to see if I can sense how close we are to this encouraging going off. You cast detect good and evil and you sense the obvious that the mayor is evil and you sense a lingering evil sort of bubbling up underneath the government classroom.

Go ahead and give me an arcana roll as well. Can I roll two? Yeah, go ahead. I got a 14. 18. 18. Okay, cool. Both of you can sense that there is a bubbling bit of evil incursion juice under the surface

of the government room. And if the mayor wins, then you actually roll pretty high. So you can tell that she's going to convince a lot of the people in that classroom to basically become followers of her and to preach her gospel, so to speak, and to spread her word throughout the school, throughout the city, throughout the world. If you won the debate and she loses, then some of that energy is going to come out. She might be able to convince one or two people, but she's going to be much weaker if it comes down to killing her, in a sense. Yeah, we got to kill the mayor.

Fudge. Okay, so we're going to jump back to the final Boreanaz initiative headquarters. You have a bunch of machine guns pointed at you. Taylor just said are you guys going down? And then I'm going to follow up by saying like, because something's in there that's killing everyone! Ah! Ah! And I'm going to run out screaming. like, because something's in there that's killing everyone! Ah! Ah! And I'm going to run out screaming.

Help! Help us! Help us! We're just kids! Help! We run. Great. Okay. And I got my hands above me like when the Muppets freak out. Yeah, we do.

We're freaking out. Persuasion or deception or performance, whichever you like. That would be a 17 plus 2, 19. 19. 18. So both of you got pretty good deception rolls. So the FBI agents allow you to run past them.

And you hear like a rocket is screaming up through the bottom of the elevator shaft. You'd hear behind you. There's an explosion. Something punches through the bottom of the elevator shaft and gunfire fills the air. You go damn near death in this moment as explosions pop off from all around you. I assume you hit the deck or at least... We're just still running.

We're just trying to get out of here. Okay. Don't look back. Don't look back. Just keep going, Link. A comet, like a comet of fire, zooms over your head,

lands in front of you. The surviving gunman turned to point at it so you're between the comet and them. The fire goes down again and you see it's this person that's been chasing you, this person that called you son. He comet and them. The fire goes down again, and you see it's this person that's been chasing you,

this person that called you son. He says, Taylor. What? Don't trust anyone. And he tosses you. Anthony's pulling something out again from his bag of tricks. So he tosses you this item. What do I see flying through the air?

You see a ring flying through the air. Yeah, you see a small ring flying through the air. It see a ring flying through the air. Yeah, you see a small ring flying through the air. It's the ring of swapping. As a bonus action, the wearer can choose to swap places of the creature they see within 100 feet.

That creature that is swapped with now wears the ring of swapping. That's by Eric Sispolsky. Thank you, Eric. Thank you, Eric. Wait, is it like

you switch bodies or switch places? You switch places, but the ring has stayed in the same place so that the ring now becomes on their finger. Okay, cool.

As he throws that at you and he says, don't let them use it. Make sure they don't get to use it. At that moment, more gunfire erupts near him and it tears off one of his flaming wings. And he sort of goes down to one knee and he raises a sword. They're moving around you now shooting at him or whatever. And then electrical bolts shoot into him, into his chest, and then they freeze him and he begins to like convulse and stuff like that. He says, you have to stop them, stop them. But you also see an open car in the parking lot behind him. Basically, you're in the lobby of the FBI.

The Matrix lobby. The Matrix lobby. And beyond the glass double doors at the other end of the room, you can see a bunch of cars but at the very least it's outside and it's not in this room so he is racked with with electricity the bolts are just irritating him more than anything but the electricity seems to be the thing that's making him not move and he goes if they take me your grandfathers are dead can we get to the car and then like drive it back to him oh is he completely surrounded the men with the guns all move around you kind of pushing you to the side so you're up against the wall now and

they're now in a circle around him the fire that's coming out of his body is getting a little bit dimmer and dimmer and dimmer and it seems like they're waiting for it to sort of go all the way out before they fully capture him okay taylor i'm so sorry i put you in this situation we just get to the car get to the car don't need to tell me twice yeah so i think we're gonna rush okay to the one of the cars outside great you pretty easily find that a couple of the cars are uh because it's the future they're just like id centric push but any cards that uh if you have somebody's id you can start them up and go ahead and roll perception or or investigation natural one baby plus two that 18. Okay, so with an 18, I feel like you saw some IDs

splatted on the ground as you were running through and you probably grabbed. Oh, here's what it was. When I did the Sparta kick, the scientist's ID badge flew off his neck. I love that.

We picked that up. Yes, so you have that scientist's ID badge and yeah, you can start up any of these cars. They are like four-door sedans. He drives the pussy wagon. Yes, there are four four-door sedans and then one perfect one-to-one recreation of the pussy wagon from kill bill oh you gotta drive okay okay i slip in i say uh i know your dad just said don't trust anybody but but you gotta trust me and i hold my

hand out give me the ring okay i take the ring and i look at his dad i say say hi to your dad for me and i switch places with him whoa and the moment i appear there i go don't shoot i'm just a kid i don't know what's going on they open fire oh what all our days whisked away but is there something more to say you know that no one knows us better than ourselves I used to tell myself it'll be alright Pretty lies let me sleep at night I know that no one knows me better than myself And I know I'll get this right It's just a matter of time till we make it out alive

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today We live for tomorrow, make steel and borrow Break where we can't change we gotta pick ourselves up and say not today no not today i don't need your sorrow come back tomorrow i'll be on my way i'll be on my way Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Wilson, Anthony Burch is our DM, Will Campos as Normal Oak, Beth May as Scary Marlow, and Freddie Wong as Taylor Swift.

Our theme song is On My Way by Maxton Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Esther Ellis is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp

is our transcriber. Special thanks to Eric Sapolsky and Skylar for providing names and items we used in this episode. Some of the other fine patrons who support

our show are people with the names of Christian Nickdow, Eileen C, Dylan Cook, Nathan Lai, Big Decimal, Trishy,

Cuddle Squad, Maggie Ryan, Sarah Crabtree, Lauren Gold, Sean Bernveld, Serana, Slimy Sparrow, and Tin Lark, Thank you. The first episode of our Regency Romance miniseries is out. It's called Sons and Sons Abilities. The reviews are in. It's very funny. People like it. Here's a little excerpt. It's just so you can judge for yourself how funny it is. I fear she is in some ways correct.

My toes are much dexterous, far much more so than any of my sisters. And it has long been a source of some embarrassment. But also, one may in their heart yearn to believe perhaps endearing and amusement. I'm ruined. You can get this and the remaining two episodes of this three-part miniseries by being a Patreon supporter at any level. At five bucks a month, you can get the entire back catalog of our after shows, as well as all of our bonus one shots, plus ad-free episodes.

At $10 a month, you can get that, plus issues of the In-Universe Teen High High School newspaper with articles written by the teens, as well as the entire back catalog of monthly bonuses this month beth requested to be scared in vr so she put on the vr headset and we put her into phasmophobia and five nights at freddy's and there's some jump scares just premium vr jump scare video content i think i heard some people got popular on youtube for that all that and more on our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And hey, if you're listening and you already support us

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Our next episode comes out May 31st. We will see you then. I don't need your sorrow Come back tomorrow I'll be on my way