Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 1 – Strangers on a Lane

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

In a peachy little town, a pretty mid bowling team wins a deeply weird trophy…This episode contains violence, profanity, sexual content, drug / alcohol use, violence towards childrenSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Tony Collette is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our transcriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, is hitting the road this summer from May 31st through June 14th. We're doing part two of our US live tour. I came up with the name for this one. It's called the Areas Tour. Dungeons and Daddies, the Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're hitting the road again. Midwest and East Coast states on sale. Tickets are available now. We're starting up in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham, Tennessee, Atlanta, New York, Philadelphia and Boston.

More info on our website, DungeonsandDais.com, slash, live. Dungeons and Dais is brought to you this week by Oxio, the internet provider that loves you back. What? internet provider that loves you back Whoa, they love you back. That's a little forward Oxeo Let me explain let me explain let me explain first things first fair and fixed prices their fixed prices are a forever thing no annual Bargaining no hidden fees Forever think no annual bargaining no hidden fees This sounds great, but I don't know that's love service that treats you better customer cares 100% up in Canada

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OXIO.ca for internet from a provider that actually gives a damn and use the promo code that check out daddy Finally, they did it daddy Three promo code daddy, that's oxy. Oh x io dot ca promo code daddy at checkout Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by cozy. It's a Canadian company They design furniture made for modern living. For modern Canadians. But wait, you said there, but modern living, you said it's in Canada though.

Yeah. The Canadians, Matthew, I will not stand for this. I will not stand for this. The Canadians are far, like you look at the amount of condos going up in Toronto right now, bro. Cozy offers beautiful customizable sofas and sectionals that are made to adapt in time.

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You don't have to do it online like the rest of the Canadians. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y.C-A. Start customizing your furniture today. By the way, for West Coast folks, we've added one show to the Dungeons and Daddies Tour. We're going to be playing Los Angeles at the Wiltern on Father's Day. June 16th, tickets available at DungeonsandDaddies.com. Very exciting. It's a big famous venue. Hope to see you there.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, season three. Third time, so still not a BDSM time, so still not BDSM podcast. Still not BDSM podcast. Wait for number four, and we would like to present to you all the Peachyville Horror, A Call of Cthulhu, actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness

in suburban 1950s America. This season is helmed by none other than William Smith Thing Welcome to the podcast world camels Okay, so Anthony and will have you done your good luck transfer smooch. Yeah, we touched our dicks Oh smushed him into that was smooching means. Oh, you smooshed them into each other. Is that what smooching means? Yeah, that's what smooching means.

We docked. We docked a little bit. Oh, docked. OK, I get that. Well, you smooch first, and then you dock. And you got to make lightsaber noises, like when they lock up. Yeah.

You're going to be like, zzzzzz. I've heard of your spaceship sounds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. My name is Freddie Wong. My name is Freddie Wong. I play, and I know everyone. My wife.

Are we gonna introduce ourselves even before we introduce the world? Yeah, we're doing our normal thing. Oh right, okay, I don't know. I'm just, this is so exciting. I just don't know. I'm just, okay. Yeah, let's go for it.

The world has been waiting with bated breath as to what the next Freddie Wong character will be and I'm pleased to report the smoke is coming out of the smoke snacks and we can announce. The light smoke. The light smoke has finally appeared as thousands around the world wait for my new character. I would like to introduce all of you in this room and you at listening at home to the newest Freddie Wong character, Tony Collette.

Love it. A fast talking used car salesman with a heart of gold. I'm coming up with that as we go. Throwing out weeks of prep over here to accommodate this new heart of gold this character has. I feel like Freddie planned the intro about his character and then just- That I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up. This week's peachy fact about Tony Collette. Tony spelled T-O-N-Y by the way. Call of Cthulhu, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a system where you have a lot more specific

skills that you can have. And we'll get into the sort of way the system differs from D&D in a second, but I would just want to point out that when you're making your character sheet, you can add skills that you add points to. Most of the time you start with one, 1% skill. Under theoretical physics and relativity, Tony Collette has a two. Interesting. Because Tony Collette once attended a scientific lecture given by none other than a Mr. Einstein. Wow. And he left it being like, I think I understand relativity a little more. And he did, but not much. That's why there's a two. Space is curved like the beautiful hubcap of a 1957 Chevy. Exactly, exactly.

Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold and for this wonderful season, this Peachyville season, I am playing Kelsey Grammer. Ha! I'm Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom. Just kidding, I'm here to help because your kids are the future and I'm gonna be there. Wow.

There you go. Little fact, little fact, you see, I planned that one. I wrote it down, I did my work. Happiest and snappiest be there. Wow. Wow. There you go. Little fact, little fact. You see, I planned that one. I wrote it down. I did my work. Snappiest and snappiest. Snappiest. The first Peachyville fact for Kelsey is that,

look, she loves to teach. She kind of teaches the group of kindergarten, first, second, and third grade. She's got a lot of kids under her belt. And her big goal in life, what she's trying to do is that she's not really happy with Encyclopedia Britannica. She finds it very dull and kind of British-centric.

And the world book is frankly just not available at PGVIL despite her desire to get it there. So she's decided to embark on her own encyclopedia that she's writing to make it accessible and fun for children. And right now she is just on the letter B. She's been doing it for about seven years. So she's gotta speed up if she's gonna make it before she dies, but on the letter B. She's been doing it for about seven years. So she's gotta speed up

if she's gonna make it before she dies. But she's on B. The kids know a lot about letters A to B. But you know, that's a good chunk of knowledge. Now has she had to go back into A to do new developments in A? Like, I don't know, atomic energy. The atomic bomb had, she has-

She has unit on that one. So she's just like bomb, comma, atomic, there. There's been some shortcuts here and there. One reason it takes so long is that she's very hands-on. So like she doesn't write something down She's just like bomb, comma, atomic, there. There's been some shortcuts here and there. One reason it takes so long is that she's very hands-on. So like she doesn't write something down unless she's experienced it and done it and learned it herself.

So, and that's, yeah. So can't wait till we get to S, you know what I mean? Wink, wink, that's sex. Oh! Yeah. She's waiting until her excitement. She's not waiting till marriage, she's waiting till she gets to the excitement.

I'm saving myself for S. I'm saving myself for S. We're all staring at Anthony just dagging. Oh, should it be me? Well, that's when Will was. You've taken his spot. Okay, I'm Anthony Burch. The party's not even cold yet. Will never used to pause before he went. I'm Anthony Burch, a player for the first time.

My job will be to play a character and wish that Will is not as good as I am. That'll be my full time job. I am playing Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And his Peachyville fact is his favorite root beer float flavor is strawberry because he is a soda jerk, and that's what he recommends is a scoop of strawberry ice cream. And his least favorite is saliva because Shane, the local football player, made him drink a smoothie made out of saliva and ice cream after a nice bullying session after.

Go ahead to Shane, though. He was saving that up for weeks. Your body makes about six cups of saliva a day. So if he was really dedicated, you could have just made that work. You know, I'm over here like a mastiff just salivating at my chance to go. OK. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout. like a mastiff just salivating at my chance to go. Okay, hi, my name's Beth May and I play Trudy Trout,

doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun fact, peachyville fact about Trudy, she makes pancakes perfect every time. Wow. No dog waffle for her. Nope. Just quick pause, because I already fucked up, I already fucked up this whole season.

No, Anthony, what grade are you in? I'm 16, I'm in 10th grade. Okay, nevermind, you're in high school. Yes. Okay, nevermind, we won't do that. I'm your teacher then. Well, nevermind, I'll make him younger then. No, no, no, I could also be that.

I was your teacher at one point. That's actually better. Okay, sure. I'm like, yeah, you were such a good student. What happened to you? You used to do the bullying. Hello everyone, my name is Will Campos and I'm your daddy-o master.

Could that be it? I don't know. I feel like everyone that responds to you with, hey! Hey! Guys, let's sexualize and objectify Will just like we did Anthony. What's up daddy-o? You look good today. Hey daddy, I'm one of those jeans. Daddy-o, those jeans. Dude, it's all looking tight from head to toe. You're my big papa.

Thank you, Matt. Will's rocking his denim. My denim on denim, more of the Canadian tuxedo. I've always wanted a new dad and I got one. My peachy fact today is that your body is home to millions of foreign bacterial species. According to new research, your mouth has more bacteria living in it

than there are human beings on earth. In fact, there are more foreign cells or bacteria and fungi in your colon than human cells in your whole body. So it does, it really takes a village, everybody. That might come up or not. Kelsey's pretending to be interested, but she already learned bacteria, because it's a B.

It was a BA at that. Yeah, yeah, so she's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I've already experienced bacteria. I know all I need to know about it. So we are playing Call of Cthulhu, which is a classic of the TTRPG and a classic for us as well. This is the same system we used in Mountains of Dadness, which some of you may have listened to.

This is a horror based game. Dungeons and Dragons is much more about combat and spells and stuff like that. I mean, not the way we play it, but this is a game that's all about investigating and discovering super spooky things that go bump in the night. The way that the dice rolling works in this game is a little different from D&D. Instead of it being a D20 system, this is a D100 system.

So most of the time when you're trying to do something, you've got points that are put into various skills, and that is your percentage out of 100. And what your goal when you roll is, is that you're trying to roll under that percentage. So the higher your number, the better your chances are of success. But if you roll above your number, you will fail your roll.

So it's like the golf of TTRPGs, you want a low number when you roll. It's just as terrifying and non-Euclidean and scary as golf, that's right. So for example, I have here electrical repair is at 40. If I want to succeed electrical repair. So yes, if your three channel television breaks down right in the middle of I Love Lucy

and you want to see what happens and if Lucy's going to get that trophy off of her head or not, you would roll electrical repair and your goal would be to roll under a 40. Got it. And we can explain the rest of the rules as they come along. There's some other little bits and bobs and razzle dazzle that we will explain as we keep

moving. The low number is good. Low cool. Natural what? In this case, the best. Yes, actually that's a critical success. Natural 100? Very bad. You're fucked. You die instantly I think. And you die in real life. Die in real life. Nice. The year is 1950XX. The town is Peachyville, Nebraska. Just another hunky-dory nifty fifties small town on the rise in post-war America. Everything in Peachyville is just peachy. The lawns are green. The fences are picketed. The skirts are poodled. And the cars are big and long and thick and powerful as the American dream itself. I like the sound of that.

Looking around this peachy community, it's hard to believe that ten years ago it was nothing but a blighted stretch of abandoned farmland, until eccentric real estate mogul Jimmy J. Stubb looked out upon it and had a vision. A vision of a thriving, integrated suburb where any man of any color or creed could put his family in a home, his car in a garage, and his wife in a kitchen. And so life in Peachyville has gone peacefully and peachily on for more than a decade, but tonight, it's all about to change. For strange things, ancient things,

slumber in the shadows of Peachyville, and foul deeds, even fouler than heavy petting and beat poetry, are afoot to awaken them. But fuck all that, it's time to bowl, baby! Down! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! At the Peachyville Lanes, the bi-monthly Bolarama Bowling Bowl has reached its climactic final frame. Seven time winners, theyville Lanes, the bi-monthly Bolarama Bowling Bowl has reached its climactic final frame.

Seven time winners, the True Bowl Leavers, sponsored by the Peachyville Brotherhood of Bisons, have racked up another impressive score and seem poised to clench the trophy. The only thing standing in their way is a ragtag collection of late entrants thrown together into a team that somehow hung in there all the way to the final roll of this match.

So first question, you guys are on a bowling team, what's your bowling team name? Oh. I like Gutteral Scream. So the team members of Gutteral Scream, watch with bated breath as Francis Farnsworth steps up to take his last role. He needs a nine or a 10 to make this last strike

and win this trophy. How's Francis feeling right now? So Francis is feeling about as nervous as nervous can be because Francis desperately wants to be looked at as anything other than a loser, anything other than the complete dweeb that he has been marked as since high school began. And if he can just get a nine or a 10,

then maybe he'll be one step close to getting the respect in the eyes of generally everybody in Peachfield, but most importantly, the girl he has a crush on, Carly, who he joined the bowling team in the first place to have something to do with her. Where does Carly work? Work? Where does Carly work?

Where is Carly? Is she in the room? Is she watching? Is Carly in the room with us now? I think so. Yeah, no, Carly's here. She in Canada? Is she over in Canada?

She's sipping a malt. There's a second straw in it. Who's that second straw gonna be for? Who knows? She is here too. It's her, she's doubling it. Yeah, she's a second straw in it. Who's that second straw gonna be for who knows? Yeah, she's like that might have to double straw another But she's casting a glance over your way cuz again This is the climactic final frame of the match from the sitting area Tony Colette's gonna offer Francis you stand up a little bit straight stick your finger in the holes You gotta make sure you really hunk it it's my I'm already up to the knuckle you keep going second You stand up a little bit straighter, stick your finger in the holes. Okay. Deeper into the holes.

You gotta make sure you really hunk it. I'm already up to the knuckle. Keep going, second knuckle. The hole. My finger's stuck now, it's not gonna come off. Well, Francis, you've always been such a good at sports. Just do your best. Hey, hey, look at me.

What? When I taught you in kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade, and fourth grade, and let's be honest, you got held back, so fifth grade too. Uh, you always, when you put your mind to something, you could do it. I got held back just because I wanted to stay with you longer. I know. I am everyone's favorite teacher.

This is a curse I got to bear. But give it a shot. All right, here we go. Francis, if you send this one home, I got a special discount for you at the lot for maybe you and your bow later So add that to your list of pressures The ball is round and you can roll it

Okay, thank you mrs. Trout Kelsey writes that in her notebook round So here's how I thought we would do this this all was inspired by me realizing that like hey the d10 has 10 sides And there's 10 things so what I'm thinking is Anthony's gonna roll a d10 at these 10 bowling at these 10 bowling Francis needs a 9 or a 10 to knock down 10 pins what I was thinking is you guys could each make a skill check To inspire Francis and then he will get one more dice to roll and then that gives him a bigger chance Okay, okay, but if you fuck up and do a shitty job, then he'll be demoralized and you won't get a chance to do it Do we get a choice of what we're rolling for here? Absolutely because I feel like by negging him subtly and enticing him with a rental car that he'll be able to smooch his missus in That's a psychology role for me

Okay You know because I'm using the mind of the teenager something that Tony's quite familiar with seeing as he Sells and rents most of his cars to teenagers Was it also psychology when you were telling him to finger blast the bowling ball by getting his fingers in there deeper exactly exactly I'm trying to awaken his inner masculinity. That's just what I need is a boner right now Can I roll persuade then yes, you can okay, so going to roll for psychology, which I have as a 50. I rolled a 92. Very bad.

Yeah, you're trying to roll below your number. That's right. Yes. Call of Cthulhu, you're trying to roll under your score. And you got a 92. And I got a 92. Can I roll persuade then? Yes, you can. Which I have a 55 because I'm a good teacher.

And I got a 45. So success. You two have canceled each other out. Nice. I rolled charm and I got a two. Wow. You two have canceled each other out. Nice. I rolled charm, and I got a two. Wow, that's an extreme success. Trudy is charming. So if you roll one fifth or lower under your skill level,

that's an extreme success. What is your skill level? 55. So yeah. And you got a two? So that's a critical success, which I think means Anthony gets an extra dice because it was a critical success. Oh my god.

So I get three dice? So now you're at three dice. Okay, three dice. Trudy says, the ball is round. And if I didn't already have 2.5 children, I'd be happy to welcome you into my home. Whoa. Francis, while trying to puzzle over

what the ball is round means, does actually get a little bit of inspiration from the idea that Trudy would take him in as a child because his parents aren't overly fond of him. And the idea of having a mom who loved him and can comment on whether things are round or not is appealing to him. Yes, you'd have a mother who loves you.

I can't say the same about your father because Tucker is awful strict. Okay, so Anthony, right as you go up to roll, one more hand lands on your shoulder and it's the 12 year old hand of Britannica Blue, girl detective. She's a local celebrity and she's got a bit of moxie to her, a bit of sass to her, her hair is in a ponytail with a bright big bow. She says, Francis. Bebe. Yes, that's me, Bebe, Britannica.

I just want you to know that we're all counting on you. And in the words of John Stuart Mill, a man who has nothing to fight for. The Daily Show guy. What? No, the founder of liberal thought and one of the molding men of the Enlightenment era for which this country, our beautiful country,

the United States of America was created. He once said that a man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. Do you have something to fight for, Francis? Francis very quickly takes a glance at Carly and then looks away before she can notice him looking at her and he goes, and then looks away before she can notice him looking at her and he goes, uh, yeah. Then roll. God damn it. And she kicks you in the leg. You said, God damn it. The worst curse anyone can say.

The hush falls over the, did you hear that? Did you hear ball? But the detective though, the kid detective gets away with it. She got a 47 on her history role to pull that John Stuart mill quote and she has a 50 in his, I don't need to tell any of you this! She did a good job! This is privilege information! This... you now have... the power. Yeah, privilege. Is there anything you want to say to yourself to inspire yourself?

I go, okay, Francis... you can do this probably for the first time in your life, I guess. You look at his scorecard and he has done nothing but gutter balls. Yes, it's been zero, zero. It's straight gutter balls and then he's got one chance. Statistically, it's gonna be different, right? Like,, it's been zero zero. It's straight gutter balls and then he's got one chance It's gonna be different right like it might have got to be coming What skill is france's using to inspire himself right now? That'd probably be psychology psychology makes sense So I got a 29 which beats my psychology score of 80. Oh, okay

So yeah, give me five d10s and tell me if you get a nine or a ten This is the very last frame in the match. I got a two a five a ten a ten and a nine or a 10. This is the very last frame of the match. I got a two, a five, a 10, a 10, and a nine. Ooh! Oh wow! All right. If I didn't have a boner before. Describe this throw to me, and then I'm gonna ask you guys for something.

So Francis, for the first time all night, instead of getting up really close to the lane and using both hands to sort of push it forward very slowly, tries to do a full run up and use one hand kind of motion. But the ball sticks in his hands and it flings him forward and he knocks his chin on the lane. But the jostling of his chin and hand hitting the floor manages to make the ball jostle loose and it goes down.

And while Francis is bleeding from his mouth, the ball does end up getting a strike in this wild, karaming motion, like it's imparted like side spin to it, so it's like a perfect curved. Yeah, that like twist, it's got, yeah, just a beautiful throw, a real, who do you think you are, I am kind of throw. Right.

And why don't you guys all give me a spot hit, and it's your sort of go-to skill for a lot of stuff in this game. It's kind of a passive perception. 76, but I needed a 25, so I failed. Tony Collette was knee-deep in the drink Always observant Kelsey Grammer pass with flying colors. Okay, I fail because I'm too busy Attending to his chin. I have such a high score in first aid

Oh, because the red mystery is coming out of his chin Phrases what did you get? I got a 32 out of 25, so I failed. Kelsey, you are the only one to see this. As you watch this amazing throw, you can't help but glance to the side, over to your competitor's table, the True Believers. And you see a smirking Buddy Betts, owner of the local electronics store, Betts by Electronics. Ah!

Betts by! Betts by! Is my rival there too? Your rival, yes. Yeah, Brian Strikes Mitchell. Yes, Brian strikes Mitchell Brian sorry what Brian strokes Mitchell is Ken Winston. Come on, will oh, okay. All right Yes, you see Brian Stokes Mitchell is Who's the reason I'm Kelsey Grammer so my rival this Frazier Lord

Outgunned on Frazier lore in the first fucking episode. But it was Brian the Librarian. Brian the Librarian, yes. Brian the Librarian is also there. You see a smirking buddy Betts discreetly fiddling with what can only be described as some sort of little gizmo, like an electronic gizmo. And as the ball hurtles towards a strike,

but he twists a knob on this gizmo, hard to the right, then looks down at it in alarm as it seems to have no effect. He looks around confused, then gocks, half enraged, half astonished, at Britannica Blue, who gives him a taunting smirk as she discreetly holds up two little batteries that she's apparently stolen from this guy's gizmo.

So you see that, and then pow, perfect strike, knocks it in, the crowd goes wild. You're watching this absolutely amazing moment. Everyone's losing their fucking minds. Carly is swooning in delight. She was about to take a double sip out of this malt, but then she kind of spins one away. Shane is seething in the corner and the Trubo leavers do not look happy. They are both upset and like a little afraid.

They're a little freaked out. It feels like they really, really did not want this to happen. Bebe, Bebe dear, what's that in your hand? Oh, oh, these? Oh, these are just, you know, these are batteries for my little dolly. Brian? And who's the other guy? Buddy Betts. Buddy, Brian, get over here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean? Don't act like you don't know me. I taught you both. Get over here. Get over here. That's his Invoking teacher privilege on every character in this town. Buddy who got his G D at the age of 35. I'm 49. I'm 49. He's an adult man. How long have you been teaching in this town? This existed for 10 years. I taught your kids. Got him. She walks over and says, Oh, whoa, whoa. What seems to be the congratulations guys? Good job.

Good job on the game. Everybody did a good, great job. Yeah. Your words say one thing, but your face says another. Mr. put your hand out. Let me see what you got there. There's nothing in his hand. No, but I saw the little weird thingy. The what? I saw weird thingy, sir. I don't, I don't know what that means. You teach your kids to lie at school. I know. Of course I don't teach them. I don't teach them at school. You teach them at school. Do you teach my kids to lie at school? Like you're lying about me right now? Bebe, what were you waving?

I wasn't waving anything, honest. You know that I'm honest. Everybody here, you all disappoint me. The same to all of you. I'll find out what's going on. I always do. Bebe is going to go ahead and take a sanity roll for hearing that her favorite teacher is disappointed in her.

So sanity is basically this game's version of psychic damage. You have a whole second set of hit points that are like your sanity points. We won't get into too much of the details now, but suffice it to say whenever you see something spooky and non-Euclidean and terrifying or when your favorite teacher is disappointed in you, you lose a little bit of your tenuous grip on reality. Okay, so she loses three sanity points. She's like, oh, Cheepers, Miss Grammer, you don't have to come down so hard on me. I got detective stuff going on

and sometimes I need a little discretion. I need a little breathing room. I wasn't doing anything honest. Hey, I believe you. Question is, do you believe yourself? She makes another sanity roll. But Kelsey, why would anybody lie? Oh, well, Trudy, um, hmm.

Uh, hmm. Your husband, no, you're right. What about my husband? No, you're okay. It's all good. My husband's on a different bowling league because he wants me to be out of the house between noon and two every Tuesday.

I don't know why. We know. I've had a lot of talks with the kids about that too. So yeah Because a for a fair The owner of the Bolarama bowling bowl Milton Milton Friedman Milton Friedman Milton Friedman owner of the Bolarama Bowling Bowl, comes over to you and says, I've just come up with a great new economic theory

based on how well you've been rolling those rocks tonight. And here is, and again, he looks kind of nervous and looks a little weird, but he's like, I guess I gotta go along with this. Here is your trophy, congratulations guys. I have no choice but to give this to you since you won fair and square and everybody's watching Above your head Francis this one's yours. I can't do it happy get your gal truly to help you out

Yes Francis wishes Carly takes out a handkerchief and dabs the blood off of your chin I feel like you have to roll not to faint or something. Okay. Yes, go for it I got a 58 out of what's that would you say that is I guess that's Constitution feels like then. Yeah, I have a 25 Constitution so I go down Make sure you tend to this fucking kid passed out Not because of the monthly river And I roll first aid I'm trying to get below 45. I got a 50.

I fucked up. Oh no. What do you try to do? I get my handkerchief and I like move Carly's out of the way and mine's far dainter and more excuse me. And I- You hate to see women pit it against each other. You really do, but I tap it against Francis's chin.

Little did I know that my husband Tucker had been blowing his microbe nose into my handkerchief. So now he's got whatever. As you all know, there's a lot of bacteria in human body. Yeah, there's so much bacteria, as we've discovered recently. And so you have an illness. No! No!

No! No! I'm going to have to flip through the tome for that one later. While you were attempting to revive Francis Milton Freeman is like seriously though Do you guys I'll take the trophies the team captain? I'd like to make a little speech if that's alright that sounds great So it's basically it looks like one of those big cheesy trophies you get for winning like a giant block of cheese, huh? Big ol hunk of cheddar

He came with a new style of improv Instead of no buttons Big ol' hunk of cheddar. It looks like it was from the... He came up with a new style of a broth. It's a trophy. It's a hunk of cheese. Instead of no but, it's minced and maybe... He said it's a big cheesy trophy. It's a big cheesy trophy. It is unfortunately not a big chunk of cheese. It's like one of those cups. Do you know like one of the trophy cups? They're called a loving cup, which I did not know.

I had to Google like, you know the trophy cup? And like that's called a loving cup. It's a big cup. Why is it called the loving cup? I don't know because it's for lovers Why do you think we all have one in our bathroom dog you have a big trophy Every time I'm looking at my dick I get to look at the award that it got Really quick loving cup is because as two handles on the side is meant for like ceremonial wedding banquets or meeting is because it has two handles on the side. It's meant for like ceremonial wedding banquets or meeting drinkers.

It's like a unity friendship thing. I like Baz' idea better. Because you jizz in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then you can use both handles to drink from it. That was the original. The band was called Limp Loving Cup. As you hold up this big cheesy looking not block of cheese

gold loving cup, it's like sitting on some plastic pillars. It's got a little engraving on it. It's surprisingly heavy in your hands. If you would think from looking at it, it's like kind of just a stupid little plastic thing. But like this thing's heavy and it's kind of cold. Like it's like kind of hot in here because it's the middle of the day, AC's on the fritz.

But you swear you can see condensation on this thing. Like it just came out of a freezer. As you gaze into the cup's shiny gold blacker coating, you see a grotesque mockery of your own face staring back at you. Maybe it's just a trick of the light, but you swear your reflection is smiling at you. That's all. Someone else wants to hold this.

What did you see, Tony? Sure, I'll pick it up. Someone else, get this foul visage. Kelsey, we couldn't possibly. Possibly what? You want to hold it with me? No, I couldn't possibly. I mean, well, I suppose if Tucker's not around, I might lift up the trophy as well on three.

Sure. A one, a two, a three. We both lifted up. Okay, same goes. It's really cold and heavy in your hands. You see a weird freaky reflection of yourself. And then I think maybe, Trudy, you feel like a little bit of power that you've never felt before. Like you feel a little bit of like you're seeing this version of yourself in

this reflection and she's scary looking and distorted and strange, but like there's something compelling about her as she gazes into your eyes. My my, is that what I look like? This winning is wonderful. When I joined the bowling club, I didn't think we would actually win something. It feels great. Well, we're all winners. Yeah. Francis, wake up.

You just hit your chin. You can wake up. Yeah. I'm sorry. I just fell asleep. My head, my head. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Just get up.

You're good. Okay. Yeah. Well, you got it. You might see a weird face of yourself smiling too. It's pretty neat. Oh, oh, geez. That guy was confident.

It's just a trick of the light. yourself smiling too, it's pretty neat. Oh, oh geez, that guy looks confident. Just a trick of the light. It looks like he has a cool mustache. I haven't gone to mirrors or reflections yet but from what I remember it's just a trick of the light. Well that's the tournament, I mean what did you guys have planned for the rest of the day? Oh, well, just more bowling. What did they do after they were done bowling? We could go to my soda shop and I could get malts for everybody. Oh, I like that.

I always love a good malt. Let's go get malts. Malt time. I'm really proud of myself. All I tell myself when I bowl is just get above my age and it's gonna get harder every year, but I broke it. I got above a 49. I'm pretty happy.

I remember the bowling score sheet was like, everyone was horrible to mediocre and then like BB is just like rolling fucking dingers. It's just like Xs and slashes all the way across the board. I feel like Trudy rolls nothing but strikes. I feel like Trudy is like, it's mechanically flawless. Trudy does roll really well. Yeah, like her body moves like super precise.

Yep. Well, as long as I'm home by 3 p.m. sharp, I can go get a soda, I suppose. Trudy, Trudy, it is like 4.30. Oh my goodness. I should be home! Alright, as the four of you race out of the parking lot to either run home to your husband or go get a nice cool malt at the, I believe it's the Jerk Shop?

Is that what it's called? Yeah. While you're heading out the door you see four toughs Hanging out by your car looking mean Italians Watch yourself there Farnsworth. I happen to be Italian myself. They were on the wrong side of the war I'll tell you what now. They're in our town. Oh I love their food, but don't much like their faces I know you're not supposed to say things like that.

You're Jijin King. Truly, let me just say, I'm glad that we've entrusted the youth of America to your fine keeping. Kelsey. This game's so racist, H.B. Lovecraft's gonna have to say we're problematic. Walk past them without saying anything. They're just upset that they lost the war.

Really? Diplomatic walk past them without saying anything. They're just upset that they lost the war Ten years on and the Italian still haven't let go Speech evil everybody's welcome except Italian As you try to discreetly walk to your car these Tufts roll up to you. They roll up in their Mario Kart. This is all fun backstory for these guys. They're clearly Italian now. So they walk up to you these four hoods. They're all like 13 years old and they're glaring straight at Britannica. And she's like, Oh gosh, it's even worse than Italians. It's the night gods. Everybody hang back. I know these guys from middle school.

Are they Italian? I don't know. One of them might be, but I don't know which one. Let's wait to see when he talks. They always give themselves away with the hands. So these toughs walk up to you guys and they say congratulations on the big match. Well thank you. Thank you so much. Shut up, you old brat, I ain't talking to you. Excuse me, you broad. I ain't talking to you. Excuse me. So that's the voice of their leader,

a salty young girl of about 13 years old, named Molly MacArthur, AKA the General. She shall return. I don't listen to anybody that young talking to me like that, just because you're sad and upset that you're a Paris rat in your face. I want a roll to catch it. Dexterity?

That's an opposed roll. So yes, you can use your dexterity. Ah. OK, what'd you get? I rolled a 65 out of 60. Molly got a 99, which is a critical failure. So this 13-year-old girl, I think what happens is she flicks it at your head.

Like the butt bounces off of your head into her mouth. Oh my god. Ah! Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Step aside. Step aside, Francis. I need to set one thing straight. head into her mouth. Oh my god. She's like, oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Step aside, step aside, Francis. I need to set one thing straight. Now I want to backhand her. Oh my god. She talked to an adult and then- But she's a kid! Yeah, man! It's the 50s.

It's the motherfucking 50s, baby! Guess what? Adults get to hit children with no consequences, dude. We just came back fresh from defeating Hitler and the boys, and Hirohito and his Japanese dudes! You're right, you're right. I actually agree with Freddie because as part of my fighting stats, I have spanking. Oh no, oh no!

I would like to take two steps forward and then cock my right hand and backhand this child's mouth. Alright, now she does have, before you decide to throw arms down on a 12 year old girl you said 13 That's okay. She is backed up by her goons who are also 12 But who do you think Tony Collette a man who has fought World War two cares of four children in a fucking parking lot And you don't know which one yet. I guess my fist will do the talking. I guess we're in combat.

In combat, he's a slapper. Okay, all right. Give me a fighting brawl roll. So we'll call this a surprise attack. Wouldn't be a surprise if you had mouths off. 88 for a 50, I whiff. And then as my hand careens through nothing but air, it spins my entire body around and it looks like I do a cool Michael Jackson dance move.

And now all of a sudden, I'm just combing my hair back as I spin back around. I'm like, meant to do that. Dance of the future. And I put my hand down in front of her mouth when a teacher collects gum, and I snap my fingers to get her to spit out the cigarette. Molly grudgingly spits out her cigarette. And then I relight it, and I go, don't waste these things. They're hell good for you

They even take your cigarettes and go back home no Snatches a cigarette back and says listen that little girl Britannica blue She acts like a big smarty pants But I think she's a no good cheat because this match was supposed to be rigged and we bet a bunch of money on him We win on money, and I think she had something to do with it money. That's what men make Britannica Did you rig this match in our favor? Please as if I would defile the great spirit of America and this nation by cheating at our most honored game bowling I was uncheating this game. Good sir. Listen as you all know, I, Britannica Blue, ace detective, I'm always

working cases. I'm always looking the angles. I got a tip that someone's been rigging the bowling matches at this bowling alley. And sure enough, I found evidence. I found an electromagnetic cable snakes down the gutter that was ready at the flip of a switch to pull a ball straight into the gutter and ruin a roll. And I saw the opportunity to steal those batteries out and save this match and that's what I did. So, to you Molly, I say, we're not going to be giving you anything. That match was won by our good friend Farnsworth right here.

Mr. Francis Farnsworth won that fair and square and he's a big strong adult and he can beat you up. I sure can, he says, putting up his dukes limply. You hear that, Francis? All those gutter balls wasn't your fault. Oh, no, she said they are my fault. Well hear that, Francis? All those gutter balls wasn't your fault. Oh. No, she said they are my fault. Well, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what happened.

That's what I'm getting from this. So Molly and her goons are like, look, all I know is we're out some dough and we want something. So why don't you guys give us that big shiny trophy and there won't be no problems. I don't give a shit that you can have it. Sure, all right.

But I won that fair and square. Oh yeah, no, Francis. Oh, hold on, you're right. That's Francis' trophy. Francis, this one's yours. You guys decide what to do with it. Look, look, okay, here you go. Here, I pull out.

And I saw my reflection for the first time. Look, you can each. There's no mirrors in the house, damn. I pull out four packs of cigarettes. I say, you can each have a pack of cigarettes. That's enough, okay? Now make sure you smoke those all before you go to bed. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Shit, that's very good. Get out of here. Give me an advantage persuasion roll.

Because these kids love smokes. I give advances, I mean, just roll a game. Everyone loves smokes. Winston's, that's the brand Fred Flintstone smokes. It's also the brand my brother smoked. Oh my God. Oh my God. Longly in the distance. He smokes Lucky's now. I just barely, I got a 64 out of 65. I was also the brand my brother smoked

He smokes luckies now I just barely I got 64 out of 65. Oh great There's an intense huddle is all the kids hands shaking tobacco withdrawal clearly Smokes at the clubhouse. How can we shoot pool if it can just do smokes come on. We don't need a trophy forget this trophy Come on. She's like cool it. Okay, we got to stick with the plan We got to smoke these are kind of I can think about it, it's my next fix, my next nicotine fix. All right, let's do it, let's do it guys. And they turn like, we'll take those smokes and we'll let you keep this trophy.

What do we care about a trophy? Yeah, okay. I don't know a trophy from nothing. All right, by the way, I just heard that your clubhouse is not constantly packed with smokes. We can do it. And I hand them an extra one to each. Wow, you're all right, Teach. And I hand them an extra one to each. Wow!

You're all right, Teach. And the nightgowns run away, plumes of smoke following them off into the night. You can always smell them coming. I feel like we jump ahead to, like, you know, end of the day, nighttime. Well, bye, everyone. I'm off to my car dealership.

Francis, come on by with Carly afterwards, and we'll hook you up with a discount on a brand new Edsel. I make minimum wage. I have like $10 enough to buy two cars. Why, you could raise a family and have a home with a front yard and a mortgage and a car with that kind of money. Don't worry, friends. I have a new idea. It's called rental cars. I got something that'll fit any size budget for you and your best guy. Oh geez, driving somebody around would be pretty impressive. So the sun sets over Peachyville, night is beginning to fall, the malt shops are closing, the other 1950s establishments are turning in for the night, you know, the hardware store, the bookstore that only has books on apple pie and why America is good, the stars

are beginning to twinkle in the sky, and I want to get a sense of what own life is like for all of you. Right around the 7.30, 8 o'clock hour, martini hour, in fact, for many cocktail slinging households. At Kelsey Grammer's house, which is the back house of her brother and sister, who she's the eldest of the seven kids of the Grammer household. And you see she turns on the TV and she's pulling on, I don't know, the Donna Reed show. She's just got some TV in the background. Nice, Donna. Yeah.

She's got just books everywhere. She opens up her own encyclopedia she's working on. The title keeps changing. Right now it's the Kelseypedia. She doesn't like it. She crosses it out and she goes and she's flipping through. She's looking at bowling. She has a little note, round ball, very nice, and then she turns up

the volume of the TV, and she fucking puts her dukes up and she turns around and she starts boxing against this light. She's got like a hanging one of those, you know. Yeah, she's boxing the shit out of it. Huh? A speed bag? Speed bag, she's going, and she's punching the shit out of it.

Oh wow, she's got a cannon. Holy shit, okay. And then as she's boxing, she's boxing so fast that the pages are blowing. And where does it go? It blows to the thing that she's working on. B-O-X-I-N-G boxing. That's the current thing she's developing.

Holy cow. While that's going on, give me a listen roll. I got to be the 50. I got 28. OK, so that gives you hear the knock at the door. What do you want? Yes. Yes. Nice stop. So that gives you hear the knock at the door. What do you want? Yes. Nice stop.

It's me. Who? You to recognize the creepy voice of Milton, your brother's oldest son, who's like a willowy wisp of a young man who's always hanging around. Oh, one second. Oh, Milton, he's such a weird child. OK.

Yes. And you open the door, I assume? No, hello. What would you like? I'm indecent. It sounds like you're working up quite a sweat in there and I brought a- Oh, a young man should not say that about an older lady.

It sounds like you're in there and I wanted to come in and give you something. Oh, hmm. I'm gonna lean out the side window. I'm like, oh, the door is stuck. One sec. And I go to the side window that's overlooking the front door.

And I want to see if I can see what he's holding. OK, so Milton, who's got his button down shirt buttoned all the way up, he's got that middle part. You know, the part of the Christ ad. The old Red Sea dog. The straight up Moses special, dude. He's got a fresh baked apple pie and like a big cold glass of milk. I just thought that maybe you... She opens the door the moment she sees the apple pie,

she opens the door. Oh wow. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is for you. Thank you so much. I know that apple's your favorite because you're a teacher and teachers like apples. I, I, pies are my jam. And, and what's your jam? I love jam. And I love jam. And here's a big, big cold glass of milk because I thought his hands were kind of shaking as he was doing. Oh, OK. Next time, I only want prepackaged drinks from you. I don't trust this open.

I just take it and I put it aside. Oh, I'll make sure to wash the pie down with this. Oh, gosh. No, that's sure. OK. OK. Sure. Sure.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Well, thank you so much. It's really nice of you. Yeah, thanks, Kelsey. I mean, Mrs. Gram this. Sure. OK. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Thank you so much. It's really nice of you. Thanks, Kelsey. I mean, Mrs. I mean, Mrs. Grammer. I mean, Auntie, Auntie Kelsey.

That's the proper way to say it. OK. Yeah. OK. I just I just I'm going to go. And he turns around and the right before he goes, Oh, there was a there was a someone came by to see you. Oh, who was it? He had a trench coat and a big hat on. And he said that you owed him some money. And he said that I should let him know if you if you came by. And he said to give you this and he gives you a business card. Wow that sounds like where's my

money on it. That sounds like somebody that just walks around and scares people for fun. Just don't tell anybody what you saw and everything's fine. Thanks so much for the pie. You're welcome. Okay you can leave now. Okay. You're staring straight at me. Okay. I'm going to close the door. Thanks for the pie. Okay. I'll stand here and watch out and make sure that guy doesn't come back. Uh, yeah.

You know what? He's probably will come from the front lawn. So why don't you wait out there? Okay. I will. Good night, Milton. Okay. Bye now.

I closed the door. I look out the windows. He's still there. Did you lock the door? Yes. Okay. Okay. I'm leaving.

And then he leaves. Okay. Um, let's hop over to tell me about the living coordinators of Tony Collette. Do you lock the door? Yes! Okay, okay, I'm leaving. And then he leaves. Okay. Oh no. Let's hop over to, tell me about the living coordinators of Tony Collette. Tony Collette lives in the back parking lot of Tony's Cars, Cars, Cars! Exclamation point.

Each one has like a more exclamation points. And this is Tony's used car slash occasional new car dealership that he runs on the edge of town. And Tony lives in a little rundown RV Airstream situation out back and he's right now currently in a stained tanktop Smoking a cigarette and a cigarette and like a drink in one hand a real Warren Beatty goodfellas kind of things ready Freddy

It's the 50s. You can call it a wife beater I can call it a wife beater. Wow. That's so good. That's so fucking good. All right, probably cut that. No, keep going. And he's kind of unsteadily, because he's a little bit soused, aiming his Colt 1911 service pistol at some beer

cans at some pull tabs, pull tab beer cans that he's lined up along a fence. In his RV? No, outside. Outside. He's outside. He's put a little seating. In his RV? No, outside, outside. Outside, okay. He's put a little seating area for his RV,

like a little lawn chair, and you know. So he's out there, he's just taking pot shots, and he's like, yeah. All right, give me a, what's your firearm skill? With a pistol. Whatever you're shooting, what are you shooting? You're called 1911, right? 1911, cult 20 with the firearms on the handgun, okay?

So they're not very good and and you're drunk, so we'll say you have a penalty dice. Okay. What's the penalty dice? It's like disadvantage. You'd roll the tens unit twice and take the worst one so rolled 2d tens One is your tens ones your single. I see I see well. I'll tell you what with a 44. That's a miss So he's not hitting anything okay, and the the gun jam's like, fucking piece of shit! And then you hear a window shatter. Ah! And then, God damn it, Tony!

You hear just like angry like footsteps coming over and just do-do-do-do-do and it's your neighbor, Tyrus Luo, owner of Luo's Golden Walk, the local Chinese restaurant, who Freddie insisted I play as the rival of Tony Clutt. He says,, God damn it Tony, I told you to stop firing guns around the whole neighborhood. You're gonna wake people up? I almost got my head blown off. Lohao, you shifty Formosa. How am I supposed to keep... It's called Taiwan. No one calls it Formosa anymore. You and your crazy language. Y'all call it what I want. The Portuguese got one thing right and that's that's the one they colonize your asses.

Listen here, how am I supposed to keep myself, my body and my property safe if I keep my firearm skills tip-top? You get out of the way, you just duck your head when you hear this, when you hear old Benzie here. I can't duck until I hear the bullets. That's how how the speed didn't you go to the thing on relativity? But a bullet travels faster than the sound by the time I heard the gunshot my window was already shattered I happen to know mr. Einstein pretty well myself, and I'll tell you he didn't take too kindly to you for most ins I Keep telling you we're both Americans. I know my family's been here longer than your family I know that so I just can we look here's all I'm gonna say yeah unless you want We're getting out about your war record

Typical of your type to threaten me with this black male on a Tuesday night no less What I should have expected this all right always following old chung kai shek's orders. General chung kai shek might have a thing or two to say about this kind of shiftyness. I can't even begin to explain the number of things there. Listen here Tyrus. I'll keep sending the teens over there, and you keep sending those teens over here. We're good. We're square. And then if at night I have to take a few pot shots while I'm honing my killer instinct, well that's just something you're gonna have to live with.

I begrudgingly have accepted that you send teenagers over to the parking lot of my restaurant to have discreet sex in your rental cars. And I get a little kickback, and I appreciate that. But I can't have bullets flying over my property. So unless you want people to start what unit was it that you served in World War two in again this unit and I backhand him oh 13 out of 50 which means that I succeed yeah he did not roll that well so yes you crack him one

right across the face he says that tears it this isn't over. You're damn right it's good thing I have a gun. Well you're just gonna see what maybe I have to one of these days one of these days Tony one of these days and he stomps off. Yeah I love that guy. That's a true blue American right there. That man's a man I'd probably call my American neighbor. Let's jump over to the trout household. Okay, Trudy has made a lovely four course meal. It's getting a little cold now because nobody eats until Tucker comes home from his job at Inventor. He's an inventor.

His job at Inventor yep, and so Trudy's lovely 2.5 children are sitting eagerly around the table waiting to eat that little tuck Tina and Timmy yeah talks at Tina and Tim is Tim is a point fire Yeah, how is he point five well? No nobody really cares about Timmy so? Little tuck is like Jeepers mom, I sure am hungry, and that pot roast looks dee-licious. I know, Little Tuck, but we've got to wait until Big Tucker gets home.

It'll be any second now. Oh, and he'll just be so delighted to see us, like he always is. Timmy's like, psh, yeah, I'm sure he will be mom. What? Did I hear something? Yeah. I don't think I heard anything at all.

OK. And he just goes back to reading his copy of Le Tronche. Is that the strangers? How do you say it? I think it's it. Le Tronche. How do you say it in French? I think that's it.

He's reading. Yes, he's reading. Le Tronche. He's reading some Camus and flipping through his book. And he just gives a wistful sigh. He's like, no one in this family understands me. Some people think they're so cool because they can read. So at that moment you hear a loud bang from the basement and you hear footsteps coming

up and then your husband, Tucker, comes out of the basement covered in sweat and grease. He says, all right, let's have some food, family. Of course. It's a little cold, Tucker, all right, let's have some food, family. Of course. It's a little cold, Tucker, because you're three hours later than you normally are. Oh, sweetheart. And he gives you a little kiss on the cheek. And then he sits down and says, well, I'm ready to eat.

So how was everyone's day? Well, I have quite a bit of news. Our bowling team, the Gutterill Scream, we got a big trophy because we won. Say that's pretty swell. Yep. I bet there's some big strong fellows on that team who carried you over the finish line, huh? Oh yes.

In fact, there's a teen, a youth, Francis Farnsworth. He got his chin cut a little bit, but he was such a strong player. Are you saying there was some sort of fracas? Was there a fight? What? How did this boy get his chin cut? Oh no, it was nothing honey. It was just, I mean, it was just, it was just, it was just, it was just, it was just, it was just, um, it was just. Trudy, Trudy, Trudy?

Yes, Tuck. Okay. Okay. He fell. He fell? Well, it sounds like this might be a dangerous activity that you've been going to go do down at this bowling alley. Well, gosh, Tucker, when you put it like that, maybe my season should be over.

And maybe we can, you know, be together during Tuesdays from noon to two. Hmm. Well, I don't know about that, but maybe we can find you a safer hobby, but for now, I don't want you talking to any of those bowling people anymore. Sure thing, honey. And then you hear a phone call the phone rings. Okay, but if it's a man tell him to talk to me because we don't want someone swindling you out of money or something like that. Of course, honey. Tucker residence, Tootie trucker, Trudy tr- Oh, fuck me.

Wait, so your husband's name is Tucker Tucker? No, no, Trout. Trout residence. Okay. Sometimes I just think he owns the whole house. Trout residence, Trudy Trout speaking. Trudy, Trudy, it's Britannica. I need help, I need an adult.

Oh my gosh, you need an adult? Why don't you speak to my husband? They jumped me on the way home. Strange men in strange masks. Commies probably, you're beatniks. I socked their leader in the john, made a break for her, but they're hot on my trail. Listen, whatever you do, trust no one. Don't even..."

And then you just hear like... ... And the voice of this girl getting dragged off into the woods fades away on the phone. Trudy looks to Tucker and then back at the phone and says, I'm not interested, thank you. All these solicitors calling all the time at dinner. You hear fumbling on the other end of the phone like someone's picking it up But I'll listen in to see if you have another offer for me

midnight 195 peachy Canyon Road the trophy bring the trophy You're being watched you go to the cops she dies if you tell anyone she dies we want your team and you at 195 peachy Canyon Road midnight with the trophy did you get all that you're not saying it's just that Tucker and I are normally in our separate don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone else. Okay? You can count on me to get help. Who is it, dear? Is that a man?

I think I hear it sounds like a man. Oh, yes, it is a man, yes. Oh, he must've hung up when he heard how big and strong you were as a man. A bigger, stronger man. That sounds like probably something that would happen, and it makes sense. So I'm going to keep eating this kind of a cold pot roast.

Please do. I'm just going to give a call to my gal pal, Kelsey. You go ahead and do that, dear. Actually, you know what? I'm feeling like I want to take this food with me back down into my laboratory, so don't come after me. Nobody open the door. We all know that daddy gets very mad when we open the door.

Don't we know that children? And they're like, yes, dad. Okay then. And he goes downstairs with his big pot roast. Well, will I see you tonight? Maybe. Okay. Honey. Okay. Trudy frantically dials Kelsey's number.

Four. Four. Hello, fourth residence of Pyville here. Hahahaha. Kelsey, we need a man. Oh, oh, okay, well dear, you are married, but oh, finally have you gotten that divorce we've talked about? Well, what? What? Did he finally do it?

Do what? Oh, oh, you're not ready, are you? I'm not ready for a lot of things. Okay, well when you say we need a man, What do you mean? There was a person on the phone that kidnapped our dear friend Britannica Blue. The moment you say kidnapped, Kelsey is opening up like a memory box of her brother who served in war one. She's pulling out the Colt one nine one one and rocking her Colt one nine one one. So 1911, 1911. You know what? She reads it. She goes, M-1-9-1-1. She kind of called it a cop.

She goes, say that again. Somebody kidnapped Bibi? Yes, somebody kidnapped Bibi and then also made threatening remarks said to meet them at a specific address that I cannot remember and didn't write down at midnight sharp tonight. Midnight, OK. That is far past my bedtime.

So I assume that we could talk to the boys in our bowling club and get them to bring the trophy to this mysterious caller. We should definitely talk to everybody. Also, on a related question, do you know how to use a gun? And a gun is... Oh, that big ball of gas in the sky that's so bright. Yes, yes, I know what a gun is.

Okay, Trudy. Here comes the gun. Do do do do. Blam, blam, blam, blam. Yeah. Francis, why don't you go ahead and tell me what is going on, and we'll say like a little bit of time has passed, the rest of the house is asleep.

Oh, you would know what happens at a teenage boy's house. So teenage boy in his room after a big sweaty victory. What's going on in there? I mean, he's viciously masturbating, thinking about the fact that he actually did something good today. And he's looking at the trophy while he's doing it and he's looking at the smiling version of himself

in the reflection of the trophy. Yeah. And the version of yourself in the reflections got like a real mean looking fucking. I feel like the one in the reflections is like bomb calls of a says honey do you want milkshake you just go the phone rings in the middle of what you're doing. Ugh. Sorry. Francis. Francis slows and picks up the phone. Oh no!

Francis? Francis stops. Francis? Yes? Oh god, I think I need two years gasping. You're out of breath. What's going on over there? I was just carrying the trophy up to my room. Oh, oh, honey, you gotta work out more.

You gotta exercise, you gotta work on those arms. I know, but I still won today, so I feel like maybe not so much with the criticism today. Oh, I'm sorry, I think you're right. Can I get from one day without thinking about how weak I am? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just, you know what they say, once a student, always a student. I just always wanna look out for you.

But ignore that, like, BB, Trudy says you got kidnapped. Kidnapped? From probably those Italians, let's be honest. No, theatries. Yeah. Yeah. Only thing Trudy remembers, and like you said, Chris, is unless not, you know,

she has a hard time with numbers and things like that. She knows that it's at midnight, but she doesn't quite know that Trudy did anything you remember about the street or the address? Conference call. You guys are on a party wine. Yeah. Oh, yes, the address... Hmm...

Hmm... I think it started with a number. You wrote it down, right? I think she would write it down. Okay. That makes sense for the story. Oh, Trudy! Trudy! One sec, I just realized... Are you still listening?

Yes. Okay. Look down. No! Do you see a piece of paper? Oh my goodness, and it's got the address written right on it. Oh my gosh, Trudy! And what does that address look like? 195 Peechee Canyon Road, midnight.

Yeah, synonically when she was writing it down, she's like, one night. One night. Peechee Canyon Road. Synonically, when she was writing it down, she's like, one-nine. One-nine. One-nine. One-nine. One-nine. Bitchy Canyon Road. So I know it's past your bedtime, but I think we gotta get the whole

Gutter Roll Screen team together because the Italians have asked for all of us to bring the trophy. Otherwise, they said they're gonna let you. Oh no! As she says that, and she says the word trophy, you notice the lights flicker around you in the house, and all of a sudden the entire

World around you goes black. You're still in our reality You're still in your bedroom as far as you can tell you still feel the phone up against your cheek But you cannot see anything. Oh, no, they were telling me the truth when they said masturbation makes you go blind Francis you still there? I'm here. I just can't see anything. Okay. Like the lights went out or something. I don't know much, but I do. You hear a loud thud on the roof and the flapping of wings, like big wings, almost like an eagle landed on the roof. And you hear footsteps coming down towards where, like, at first you think it's a power outage, but then you realize, like, you can't even see out the window. Like there's nothing outside at all.

But you hear these footsteps going towards where you think it's a power outage, but then you realize, like, you can't even see out the window. Like, there's nothing outside at all. But you hear these footsteps going towards what you remember of being your window. What's happening, Francis? Somebody's on the roof. Kelsey is flipping through, she's grabbing her M-volume,

and she goes to masturbation, which is completely blank, and she's like, blind, question mark. What else, what else, what else are you seeing? Leathery wings. I just heard, I heard wings and feet and I think I'm gonna try to hide under my bed. Now the next one is very important. Yes, yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They're gonna take you. They're gonna take you. So yeah, Francis is gonna put the phone down

and try to hide under his bed. Okay, great. Give me a... Stealth? Yeah, I think a stealth role. That makes sense. Francis has a 90 in stealth. Oh, wow. Wow. He got a 94.

Dude, the puberty growth spurt means that his feet are sticking out from under the bed. Yeah, you expertly dive to what would be a corner of the room that like you could really easily hide under, but your pants are still around your ankles from jerking off. So you trip and make a huge loud noise as you face plant into the ground. Oh, the girls is like, wait, what are I doing? And she always over the door and then runs next door, which is why okay, this is good. This is good. This is good. Okay, so here's how we'll do this. We'll do a little bit of his and then we'll do a little bit of yours.

And then if anyone else wants to live next door, if I can go for it, I guess we'll know each other. Yeah, it's small if anyone else wants to live next door, if I can go for it, I guess we'll tell you all know each other. Yeah, it's a small town. Do you say to anything to Trudy before you leave the family? Yeah, I'll say like, Trudy, I'm running over to the Farnsworths. Oh, let me, let me look behind me. Oh, they live right there. Gretches cross the street. Okay, yeah, you hear her starting on the phone and then you see her running across like

ferrisbuehlering her way through backyards and picket fences over to the Farnsworth house. Trudy's like, Tucker, I'm gonna step out to go knitting just for a second. Okay. Your kids are like, Mom, what's going on? Shut up. I mean, just go to bed, sweetums.

Whatever, I guess I could go to bed or I could stay up and stare at the sky and the moon. If you continue with that attitude, Timmy, you're not going to have a bed. Whoa! Timmy just like backs away and goes up the stairs towards his bed. He's like, okay mom, okay, jeez please. Who's my favorite point five? I am.

Okay. I'll be gone. Okay. So the two of you are running towards the Farnsworth house. Okay. Are your parents home? Yes. towards the Farnsworth house. Yes. Are your parents home? Yes, his parents are home. Okay. Everyone's in bed. Francis, in your room.

You're on the ground, pants around your ankles. You hear this tapping noise, like this, like something scratching at the window, like kind of fumbling around and groping. Francis tries to hurriedly get up and pull up his pants. Okay. And then he goes to his corner and feels around for the baseball bat that his dad gave him when he initially was hoping that his son would actually take up sports. And it's been gathering dust for years and years and years. Oh, I love that. It's dark, but you know your room pretty

well. Give me a luck roll with advantage. Let's do that. Okay. My luck is 85. Wow. And I got a 53. Okay, great. So you find the bat. And again, you can't see this thing, but you can hear it pounding on the glass and you hear the glass begin to crack and then break. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. I'm going to start just hurriedly and panickedly swinging in front of me. Okay, great. Oh, I think I also shout, Mom.

How do we get you over here, Freddie? You're just drunk driving or as they call it back then, driving. Around the town. I can do that. I'll be going off for a spin in my brand new 1958 Edsel Ranger. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Give me an attack roll with your,

do you have something for this bat? I don't have anything for the bat. I have a brawl. Technically, would it be like you have to have a bat specialty or something like that? In brawl, in the same way there's firearms and there's guns, I feel like a bat would be in brawl. Okay. I feel like if you want to you could give yourself a specialization for bat, but otherwise you can just use whatever your brawl is, is my guess.

Is what that looks like. That makes sense. Yeah, I think I'll just use my brawl because he's definitely not specialized with this bat. Okay, great. So yeah, give me an attack roll with your brawl. The brawl is 65. And you got a 10. You got a 10. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Dude, Francis is hiding a fucking killer instinct. So that you got a 10. You got a 10, oh shit. Oh, wow, okay. Dude, Francis is hiding a fucking killer instinct. So that's under a fifth.

So the unseen thing is going to dodge. It got a 91, so you swing this bat, and you feel it just connect with something sharp. It's almost like you're whacking it against a concrete wall or something like that. Sorry. It's just like a bang! I'll never masturbate again!

Give me a damage roll. So that's 1d8 plus... what does damage base mean? A damage bonus, db. Yeah. Yeah, my db is zero. Okay, great. So yeah, then give me a... Six.

Oh wow, six damage? Mm-hmm. Jesus. Shoulda gotten the sports. It sounds like you're breaking through a lobster shell. Okay. Like when you snap a lobster shell and it's like that kind of hard sharp crafting sound and you hear a sort of guttural squeal unlike anything you've ever heard before just erupt as you make this huge swing and whatever is crawling through your window right now

you feel like you really got a piece of it. Okay let's cut to the outside of the house now where Kelsey and Trudy are approaching the front door. What are your parents name again? Ed and Camon Juan, which is my mom's name. Okay. Camon Juan. Yeah. Ed, Camon Juan, open up. It's Mrs. Grammer, your kid. He's doing nothing sinful, but he called. He needs, uh, just open up. We should just ring the doorbell. Oh, good. Yeah. Go ahead. Do they have doorbells in the 19th century? They did have that technology. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Trudy said that. It's like, yeah, Trudy, they do.

This thing that's been around since the 1913 says World War I. So upstairs you see a light switch on and Francis' parents come to the window like, what's going on out there? Order of operations. Number one, check on your son. Number two, could you open the door please? It's midnight. Do you know where your son is? You hear footsteps going downstairs and then back in the room, Anthony, you hear the door handle rattle as your mom is trying to get in, but she can't because I assume you locked the door before dorking it. Yeah. Does she say anything so I know that it's her? Francis, are you okay in there, dear? Hello? Oh mom, come in please.

I can't. You've locked your door for some reason! Oh, geez! Oh, yeah, let me get that! I told you not to lock this door! Yeah, I'm sorry, I was just... You were sleeping, and let me unlock it for you! Oh! The thing in the window is now going to get a turn. Um... Mothman. It's a Mothman.

It's a... Mothman. Mothman. That's... Don't get wet. All of you here, an unearthly hum, like a screech, almost like something like the static of a three channel TV set meets like a radio tuning, but with a sort of animal quality to it as well, like the drone of an insect, and it pierces your ears. So go ahead and give me a power roll. Oh wow, I've been meaning to get my ears pierced. My power is 40, I got a 23.

Oh no, I got a 99. Okay, so you got a 99, that's a critical failure. We'll deal with you in a second. My head explodes. What did you get, Beth? My rating is a 55, and I rolled a 55. I think that means you passed. The two of you hear this deafening screech.

Camon Juan is going to roll as well. And unfortunately, she does not roll so well. Trudy, if you look over at Kelsey, you see that she has just gone completely catatonic. Like she's just fallen into a trance light state. You're just staring straight ahead. Just like nothing going on. She's doing evocative dancing.

She's doing freaky evocative dancing. Oh, my good. Wow. Kelsey, I am so impressed, but I wish you would say something. Anthony, I feel like Francis gets the door open. You can see into the hallway. You can't see into your room, but you see your mother standing there and she is also in a trance. Mom, mom. Where is the trophy?

The trophy is in my bedroom next to my bed. Positioned right underneath the picture. What was gonna fall in that cup? As all of this is going on, we cut to... Tony Collette. What's Tony Collette doing while all of this is going on? It is Ford Edsel Villager, which was introduced in 1958. It's like a station wagon.

It's a big ol' ugly station wagon. He's just kind of driving around. He's got a fat Stoge, any type of tobacco. He's a fan, right? And he's sitting there, he's got a fat stogie any type of tobacco He's a fan right and he's sitting there. He's got drinking one hand stogie in the other he likes Seatbelt what seat belts you know I'm saying What the hell's going on here Motion there's a ruckus over here you see your two bowling partners Trudy and Kelsey standing in front of this house See a little bit late a little bit late for bowling. You're saying this all out the car while you're driving

Yeah, well not parked. I'm parked in an idling and that powerful American motor You probably waking up everyone else down the block like my wheels I rev the engine seductively okay. Give me a disadvantaged driving role Right so so so she knows how to handle Drive auto roll I have a drive auto of 40 56 okay, so when you try to rev your engine, you realize your car is out in park and it careens forward towards the house,

towards Cal at the Sea, who's still standing there catatonic. Oh, wow, it's beautiful. It comes at me just like a bowling ball. It's so tragic, too, because this is how Tony Collette will die. But this will be 50 years later and it's to be a farmer's market. Wow.

OK, let's resolve this and then we'll jump upstairs. Trudy, you're the only hope. It's getting closer and closer. Hmm. I think I'll move out of the way and I'll take my friend Kelsey with me. Okay. We'll call that a maneuver. I guess. How big is Kelsey? She's a pretty beefy lady. She's a pretty beefy lady. She's like seven four Get taller taller no, but she's like five ten her favorite food is apple pie, but you're not moving You're not doing anything. You're not trying to resist her office use your cat

I'm gonna dance though. Go ahead and give me a strength roll to move Kelsey out of the way Her weights in all the right places though And that is everywhere. Her massive brain. Wow, my strength is a 60 and I got a 41. Like a sleeper soldier called into action by a naughty word. Trudy springs into action, spinning around daintily, and with that

Whipping Kelsey into a nice hug and then spinning like a tornado out of the path of the moving vehicle great well done I think I just plow straight into the house with this vehicle I was gonna give you one more roll to try to stop yourself. No because I'm confused I slammed on the rev and now it the, to rev, and now it's moving, and that's like too much for me. He still called me, he's like, somebody else must have smacked me. Somebody Italian must have jibbed me this transmission. Well so I was- Some Italian fucked up my car.

So here's a fun detail actually about the Edsel. So the one that looks like a vagina in the front? Well no, it's instead of having like a- Wait, what car is that? The Edsel. Hold on, everyone, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've been buying cars all my life,

and I haven't heard of this one! What car is that, Will? This was the thing, it's got like a little Fordussey in the front. Fordussey? What is this? The Ford Ensel. E-D-S-E-L. What, Matt? What was that, Matt? Go ahead.

I was gonna, before I saw it, I was gonna make a joke and say, Pat, of all of us, you are the expert on vaginas. But before I could even finish that, I saw the car. It's like, yeah, that's a vagina. Fun thing about the Edsel is that the transmission on these, instead of being like a steering column thing, it's like buttons on the front of the, you know, back before there was airbags.

They're like, ah, that's real estate that we could use. So I think part of it is even that like, because this is a new car. But then men could never find the button in the Edsel. I don't think the button in the So yes, I think it's that he pressed the wrong button right he's not used to it Yeah, so yes your car is Korean now. I gotta figure out how fucking car crash works, okay? How are you want dog? Yeah, it doesn't matter. There's rules for it though All right

We'll say that it opens the door to be like what in tarnation is going to oh and he sees this car pussy flying towards him entranced by the car oosie And because he's never slept with his wife to him. It just looks like a car It's under the sheets and the lights are off. Yes, honey, you did it! This is your baby! But I didn't see the stork! We're gonna cut dramatically away from that and we will go back up to the bedroom. You're standing in the- you've got the door open, your mom's in front of you, there's a horrible monster somewhere in this darkened room behind you, what do you do?

I'm going to try to push my mom further into the hall and slam the door shut behind me. And then as you do that you hear a car crash through the front door of your house. No God! So dad goes, Jesus Christ! I do like the idea, by the way, that this is the 1950s when things were kind of like built with real timber and real construction, so the car just climbs the stairs, like it doesn't blow through the stairs like that plywood bullshit that we have today.

It's just straight up like revs up. It fucking starts climbing the stairs and now all of a sudden on the second floor you have a car. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, you're saying it climbs up the stairs inside the house. Hell yeah, dude. I know. Well, maybe we might have to roll for that.

I don't know. Will, you think they had Feng Shui back then, dude? That stair was facing straight out the front door. You had to break through the front door, though. But no, Dad opened it for me. But your car is wider. Come on in, car. Come on in, car.

Ah, the car is here. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Honey, is that a car? Honey, your car is here. Your car smashes through the front door of this house. Yeah. Ed dives out of the way because I don't want to murder Francis's dad in the first episode of the show

I want to get his skull into pace. We'll give Ed a dexterity roll. That's what we'll go Ed got a 73 which is lower than his dexterity of 85 Okay, was a dancer. Yes, Ed was a ballet man. Ed was in both wars. He was in both wars, but it's still- As a ballet man. As a ballet man. He's in the USO.

And he does a beautiful pirouette out of the way of this thing and watches in horror as- Him and Bill Hope. Bob Hope? Bob Hope. That's right, man. You're always disappointed when you got Bill Hope instead of Bob Hope. Oh, B Hope's coming! B Hope's coming to Guatemala!

Hell yeah! Oh, man, it's Bill Hope. It's Bill Hope and Biff Crosby. He dives out of the way. Are you trying to drive the car up the stairs? Is that what we're trying to do here? I'm not trying to. I'm just saying that this is American.

You still haven't stopped the car is what you're saying. Correct, because this was called the Teletouch Automatic Steering Wheel. Literally, you can finally look at pictures of this. They've decided to put all the buttons on the wheel and then everyone's like this was a awful awful idea we're gonna go ahead and say that your car crashes and you're gonna have to take some damage for that absolutely seatbelts were optional and you bet your ass Tony Collette didn't opt for seat belts

when were seat belts a thing? Seat belts were kind of around Because this is something that would happen with edsel owners. I go to press the horn But instead I just like hit neutral and reverse at the same time and you hear a horrible cranking sound from the engine That is it loses control and busted the door truly a death trap of a vehicle, huh? Oh, yeah Listen to this the single circumstance under which a teletouch could be put into gear with the car moving at greater than five miles an hour was if the neutral button was depressed first thereby removing hydraulic pressure from the inhibitor switch and then the reverse or park button pushed these actions would as a result either shear off the parking

pole or suddenly set the rear wheels turning in the reverse direction your Ford Edsel is gonna take take one D 10 build damage so give me a dice roll for your Ford Edsel three three not bad American engineering baby and then you are going to take not American engineering let's give you the same thing 1d 10 this is a pretty nasty and you're not wearing a seatbelt so give me a fucking D 10 okay wait are you dead? How much health do you have? 14? So I blow through the windshield obviously nothing would be more Freddy than dying in the first episode. This is fine I blow through the windshield like yeah, and now I'm upstairs dude ready to fight

Okay, well we should just say that it crashes into the the front staircase and then it launches me up to the second sure Just You're like pretty fucked up just for hip points there rest long rest right that's how it works in this game You go hospital got a hospital piece. All right major wound single attack It does more or equal to 50% of max HP. Target falls prone and makes a constitution roll to avoid unconsciousness. So yes, your car careens into the house, you mash the buttons on the front of the forehead, so you smash into the stairs. Your car is basically fine, but you go flying out the window up the stairs and-

This is the most true to the 50s fucking podcast alright, so I go up the stairs I've taken 10 damage, which means I need to do a roll here to make sure I stay conscious Yeah, my Constitution is 75 okay. I roll 64 so I do maintain a hold on this reality Okay, so that's good because that does give you an opportunity to say something pithy as you collide with Francis Who's just gone out into the hallway. Francis, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have done this if I had another drink. Definitely should have pithy. Francis, if you want to give me a dexterity roll to dodge this missile hurtling towards

you. Yes. Bro, this is the worst post-nut, pre-nut. I'll never do it again, I swear. My dexterity is 60, I got a 72. like post nut My next area is 60 I got a 72 he basically clonks straight into you Give me just a 1d4 damn bro. You know it looks like it looks like the Honda and Street Fighter 2 To so you take two damage you're knocked prone as well my mom's next to me too she get fucked up No, he hit you and she just watches you go down cool. You deflected the bullet so this

And then all of a sudden the buzzing stops you regain your sort of composure Trudy did you save me? I did I hugged another woman. I'm going to hell My gosh, if you were a man, I would think about kissing you for a while What? He saves me And so the first ship of the season has begun He saves me Waves from the bank says It's like the scene in Titanic and we all wave as this ship sets sail

Francis? You just rush inside? Russians where? Upstairs, Francis, your mom is freaking out. She's like, what's going on? Oh my gosh, where am I? What happened? I get to my feet. I don't know. There's something in my room. They tried to kill me and I hit it with a really scared mom.

Stand back and your mother grabs a shotgun and rocks it. Hell yeah, Asian moms. She kicks the door down and enters like she's doing a breach and clear and nothing is in there. The lights are back on, you can see your room, there's clearly something has been in here because you can see like- Some porn. Some porn. Just open porn magazine.

So yes, for one, the first thing your mother sees- Yeah, the first thing she sees is- What were you- was this a theater of the mind? What was going on? I was thinking it was a theater of the mind. Okay. But I do think the one thing you do see moving in the room in the icy night breeze is the box of Kleenex Yeah, like living about like a flag Put her husband snot on me. I'm getting a cold

Your mom sweeps the room and yeah, you can see something has been Ripping things to shreds in here. Your pillow has been torn up and like you see these puncture marks, like almost like from really sharp, big, like spider legs or something like that. And the carpet, there's just a vague odor. You determine what caused the odor. But the one thing you do notice is that the trophy is gone. My trophy. Oh, how is Carly ever gonna remember that I'm cool again?

She doesn't need a trophy, Francis, but the bigger thing is that we need to bring the trophy. Otherwise, BB's been kidnapped. Oh, right. And the Italians, we're pretty sure it's the Italians, let's be honest. The Italians! They said they're gonna kill her if we don't bring the trophy!

If you would like to make a spot hit and roll, anybody who's up here, go for it. Sure, I'll make a spot hit and roll. So you have a majorly wounded fucking comrade who's bleeding on the floor right now. She's a man in the 50s, get up. Tony's so silly. I got a 78 out of my 25 spot hidden, so I failed.

I failed spot hidden as well. 51 out of 40. Let me do spot hidden. Dammit, I failed. 14 out of 25 in my drunken, bloodied haze. I'm like, what's that over there? Okay, so as all of you are looking around this destroyed room, the booze.

The keen insight. The boozed, bleeding, concussed Tony. He's low level, he's got his eyes at a different angle than all of us. Yeah, maybe it's because he's on the ground. He's able to see up through the window and as you look up through the window, you see for just a split second

backlit against the light of the moon a silhouette disappearing rapidly into the night something flying something fast and something bigger than you've ever seen like that before it's like a bird it's like a bug it's drawn to this glowing light and it seems to be disappearing rapidly. What do you do? I point at it, I go, oh, there's some sort of creature in the moon, look, look everyone, look! I only listen to my husband, but I'll turn around

and oh my god! Oh jeez, what the heck? That's either a big, huge bat, or a very small bat, but closer than a big, huge one. You see what I mean? As you look into the distance, you see this thing with these huge leathery wings and these dangling claws and this vague glowing face and you can't quite make it out.

It's so far away, you barely even realize that it's real. It's the size of a man, but it looks like a moth. It's like some sort of moth man. Oh my gosh. In its talons and its clutches, you see that trophy. Your only hope at saving your friend. I am the broken sky, all I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch as Frances Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth May as Crudie Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette. Our theme song is Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller. and and rap is our transcriber. Support this show directly at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads where you join the ranks of folks like Megan McGee, Cleo Klaminser, Eduardo Jamie, Jared Holford, Rhian S, Ullicat, Anna Wood, Jarret Smith, Kit the Cat Tabar, Isaac Hadwin, Radder Wolf, Alexandra J, Aaron Rosenberry, Aaron W, Carly Cook, Rafael Dumlao, Max Kozak, Alan Hall, Kelly Paulson, and Tess Fletcher. Welcome to Season 3! Just like in Season 1 and 2, Patreon supporters can get access to our after show for this season, which we're calling The Peach Pit, where we chat behind the scenes process, episode insights,

and where we answer listener questions. That is just one of a number of ongoing series we have going on to Patreon. Series like one where Matt and Beth talk Christian movies that we're calling The Crystereon Collection. Support us on Patreon, you get ad-free episodes, Discord access, the pros of being a Patreon supporter just go on and on. Support independent podcasters such as ourselves directly starting at just $5 a month and you get instant access to hundreds of hours of additional bonus content.

That's all at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Next month we're going on tour, part two of our US live show tour where we play the season one dads hitting up cities across the Midwest and the East Coast. It's called the Areas Tour because we're going to a bunch of areas. You can find more info about that on our website. Tickets are still available and heads up to the West Coast. We've added a tour date on Father's Day, June 16th, back in our hometown of Los Angeles. We're playing the Will-Turn, a legend tier venue. So spend Father's Day this year with us. All that info at DungeonsandDays.com. Find merch on our social media links there as well. Thank you so much for supporting us. Welcome to season three. Our next episode's coming at you May 21st.

We'll see you then. All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today This is hard Anthony doing two characters talking to each other. This is not so easy. I gotta be well.