Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 14 - The Bigfoot Contessa

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

The ‘Screams (and Blake) make Big Moves, meet some Big Feet, and slap a Big Jerk right in his nerdy Nazi face.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, and Sexual Content.  Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Blake Lively is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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best of 2024 selections and discover why there's more to imagine when you listen. Listen now at audible.ca slash best of the year. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for guy. He's much better than the other ones you tried. So if you need a great uncle, or someone to kill your dog, right, they come into your car, that's your guy. Good evening, I am Blake Lively of Lively Plumbing. Many of you know me. For many years I have fixed toilets and sinks and pipes

in this wonderful town of Peachyville. But starting today for an extra fee I will also rescue your pets from the sewer or humanely euthanize your dog, a new service I offer after it happened by accident on my last job. Just listen to all of these satisfied customers. You killed my dog! Stop asking for testimonials! Kelsey here to say that Blake is the best plumber in Peachyville. He's fast and professional and discreet. Whatever you flush down your toilet in a frenzy of guilt and shame will stay between you, him, and the God Almighty, I hope.

When you go through toilets like my family does, those daily visits from the plumber add up quick. That's why my husband tells me to call Blake Lively because at Lively Plumbing every tenth toilet you install is free. So call Lively Plumbing today and ask for me, Blake Lively. No job too big, no dog too small, Blake Lively does it all. So if you need a drain on fog or someone to kill your dog, likely come into your car cause what's your guy? Well I'm the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. You moron, it's a fucking... That was mean. No, you're right.

Hey, thanks for listening. Hey, hey, we just want to say we're sorry. Do you think us saying we're not BDSM podcast is like the way Pringles can't say their potato chips? Like BDSM game, I said, hey, you guys can't say it. We are a BDSM flavored snack product. Yes, this is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast psych this season We're playing call of Cthulhu what the government decide that that we're playing call Pringles thing like who said they couldn't that's true. I'm just saying

No, I don't think they ever felt boxed in by that need Pringles isn't into labels dude. Yeah tubes Pringles isn't into labels dude. Yeah. There's the tubes. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes finally fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name is Freddie Wong and I play deep thinkin' plumber Blake Lively. Now, some degree of controversy, let's say, around Blake Lively now some degree of Controversy, let's say around like Lively's accent, which I'm settling into like all good accent like all real Settling into it Blake traces a little bit of Nordic roots Which is where his you know sort of Midwestern II sort of thing comes from. Yes. Oh, yes

Yeah, which is also why his favorite food is potatoes where his sort of midwesterly sort of thing comes from. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Yeah. Which is also why his favorite food is potatoes. Well, you already said potatoes. Those were like two facts ago. Was that two facts ago? Yeah. Are you recycling facts? You had these characters for three episodes.

I want one more. Give me more Blake. What's his second favorite food? What's his favorite drink? What's that super stinky fish? You know what I'm talking about? The other one, the stromelon. What is it? The stromelon. The fermented fish. The fermented fish is super gross. You give them little chunks, What's that super stinky fish? You know talking about?

Fish the fermented fish is super gross you give them little chunks and so only weird skin leaving people like it sewer strumming sewer strumming And you know what they say once you pop the fun don't stop Blake Lively loves leaning back Getting a big old baked potato, and then instead of bacon bits sewer strumming bits Blake Lively single There we go Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold I play Kelsey Grammer Peachyville's happiest nappiest school marm and you know what she always says learning is a lot like love they both start with the love Letter L, and if I don't have it. I feel dead inside We learning little known fact about Kelsey I thought I'd continue kind of exploring her relationship with no that's not true

It's not exploring the relationship with Blake She doesn't care about Blake. Just stick it in the plumbing sort of category Just stick it in the plumbing huh? Yeah That's not what you said last night. I want to get to the Avenger. I want to fight. I want to kill Cthulhu I want to stick it in the plumbing. I want to stick it in the plumbing too. I want to get these three keys so we can kill Cthulhu Okay, so I don't think that's It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine Just let them let them come see spends as little time in the bathroom as possible She's the opposite. It's like as like as little like you would think she'd be a reader in there

Like no, she wants to be there deaths like she gets in and out like dude She waits so like she doesn't go in until she knows it's ready to go like all the way like BAM Like that's how she wants it to go. She doesn't want to work on it in there. Like she's got too much to do outside. So she wakes up, is ready to fucking fire. Like, the torpedo's ready to launch. And she fucking goes, gets it done. And gets out and gets back to work.

So she's, so she's never been there for more than like 30 seconds, you know, like something's wrong. 30 seconds, you know like something's wrong. Like she's sick. Like something's wrong. She's in and out. It sounds like she's broken the seat from just like the impact of leaping onto an ass first. Dude, did she get a hand wash in there as well?

Like this mountain gymnast off the pole vault or whatever. Just like... Did she get a hand wash in there? About 30 seconds? You're supposed to wash your hands. Yeah, she washes her hands. Yeah, but I mean like, I'm sorry. Her seat is close enough that she washes her hands while she's on the toilet. Just like she get a hand wash in there 30 seconds. You're supposed to wash your hands That she washes her hands while she's on the toilet She's not a whole system she flushes it with her elbow

Kelsey she's ready to go. Well, can you please please make sure at some point that we find a bathroom that she's got the bathroom like 10 times on the show you just never knows because she goes so fast she's just blaring back. Blake is so impressed by that. Hi I'm Anthony I play Francis Farnsworth kid with a gun and my peachy fact is Francis is the opposite he loves to spend too much time in the bathroom. There it is. He sits there, he takes the dump, he does the courtesy flush obviously to get rid of the dump, but then he'll stay there for just hours reading his favorite serial comic books and just thinking about things. And eventually. What's the courtesy dump if you're in there? Is it just a courtesy to yourself? Like if you're at school.

Hey, it's called be kind to yourself, Matt. Yeah, that's true. If you're in a public place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and love yourself. You don't need to smell that. Yeah, but now I have a question about the courtesy flush. Yeah, wait, I heard courtesy dump and I don't think that's Sorry, that's like not a thing. No, it's definitely a thing. It's just not a thing for Francis It's also not very courteous a question about the courtesy flush. Doesn't that also give like a false sense of like hey

I'm almost done in here who cares Courtesy I always thought the courtesy was to the toilet like Sometimes it been so bad I have to like pinch halfway through So bad that I have to like pinch halfway through be like I gotta get rid of this one Sometimes the complete objective is good to set up like smaller goals Yeah, exactly the Kanban method No, my courtesy flush is like a now you see me magic trick. It's like you didn't smell anything I thought the courtesy flush was like you

Like if you're other people that get here you flush, and then you try to do like all the noisy part If you don't want to make noise just put down some toilet paper in the water bowl. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, What I literally have I don't think I've ever farted when I Atlantic moving underneath radar no one can detect you dude. You're straight up sonar fucking invincible in the bathroom. Are you kidding me? I couldn't find my ass. Are you shit in Nero? I think you're literally just making it into the CIA right now. I think they just take anybody that can be silent like that.

Oh my God, dude. Could you imagine if Anthony was a sniper? The amount of confirmed kills he would have. He's so comfortable in the wilderness. He's like, where is he? We haven't heard him. He's in Alpha Sector, but he's been there for 20 days only hear me like he never makes a sound He never makes a sound he does courtesy flush though. It does kind of give him boy. Oh my god, Anthony

Long as his butt cleans itself Name is Beth May and I play Trudy trout a Robot dirty wife homemaker no a robot homemaker Mother of one beautiful child. Are you reading this off a script? You're looking at your monitor? Yeah, I read it off a script every time Yeah, tell you lose elections Anyways Oh really? Yeah I have a hard time with it. It's how you lose elections. Sorry. Anyways, uh, fun fucking robot facts about Trudy. It's gonna be hard to top.

Fucking silent but deadly over here. No, no, no, it's gonna be good. No, it's not good. It's that she doesn't go more than three days without washing her hair. Because of the oil build up. So there with like oil like like machine oil oil who knows? But it's a pun right like machine oil. Yeah, but you know it's like you know there's yes Okay, you're not supposed to wash your hair that often right well it depends on your hair. That's fair. Yeah her hair is oily Catch up. How would the robot be lubricating the hair interesting okay? I'm Will Campos. I am your daddy. Oh master

Chi fact this week yes that if the whole earth history was condensed to a 24-hour period Human beings would have been around for three seconds If all of human history was 24 hours it would have only been 14 minutes since the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Wow, well, it makes you think it puts everything in everything in perspective I cannot believe we ruined our beautiful, gorgeous earth, our home planet in three seconds. It's gotta be some kind of record. Do you guys want to?

I want to kill Cthulhu. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, We have to start off with a little bit of housekeeping. Oh, God. I remembered that I forgot to lock the door. Oh, no.

The housekeeping is coming in to make you remember that you guys got some items. You got stuff. And I just haven't been using the stuff that I've been giving you. When did we get stuff? So I just want to remind you of some of the stuff that you guys all right So Beth okay Mothman gave Trudy a fun deck of cards And if you draw a card you have to make a sanity roll and you get a little cryptic hint about what the future may Behold once we can use it more whole deck of cards, but I use it 52 times Francis You of course have a rifle however

You also for completing the riddles and quizzes of my puzzle dungeon in the Project Heartland main building, received a Mee-Go electric gun, which was the thing that was zapping you guys when you failed your quiz answer. So you got this weird bulbous rock. Mee-Go would never shoot anybody. That can zap people.

And we hid behind the door at the table for that. Previously on Peachyville Horror. Beth, you have another little treat, which is that you got like a cool Geiger counter that detects when spooky paranormal stuff is happening. I think you've been beeping like crazy. Yeah, we're sitting there being like, who forgot to change the batteries?

Who do I have, what does Kelsey have? Kelsey got a book of magic spells. That was her item she got for escaping the Project Heartland. I was like, I like books, I want it. There's a whole bunch of fun rules You can learn to read spells and learn how to do spells. You got that going Oh, wait, like you have a cat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No my requires more questions So like do you have a list of the spells?

What we will do is at some point if you get a couple of weeks to sit down and really familiarize yourself with this book Or a couple days or whatever just you get some Kelsey time alone with this book. You do some sanity rolls and then you get to pick a certain number of spells based on how well you do. Not just that you go hog wild with spells from the back of the book. Well, but every time I want to learn a spell, I have to do a sanity roll. You like study the book. Okay.

And depending on like how long you study the book for and under what conditions like you make a sanity roll. Okay. And then you also get like tasty treats from that. So I just want to put that all out there. That's good. I should have been using this. I'm excited. When we last left you guys, you had narrowly escaped a spooky encounter with Trudy's erstwhile robot spider daughter Tiffany.

Where did you find T-Rex? You fought T-Rex. You were overlooking a lush valley with a sort of bronze-age civilization in the distance, a big old stinky swamp that had mucked up from where Blake Lively had dropped his kids off at the pool, by which I mean his old poop pond, and a big temple, a big ziggurat-style temple with a statue of a key, and there was a sort of like religious ritual going on when you were spotted by one of These tiny figures in the distance that I do have to perform a second bit of housekeeping here

Which was that I said that the guys looked at you and screamed outlanders However, I don't think he would speak English So what we're gonna do is all of the NPC dialogue until you find a way to communicate with them is gonna be peanuts voice So he goes How far away are we we're pretty far right you're like I'm so bad at measuring distance. Can they run to us? It's a two-minute sprint up this You hear a scream go up from the crowd of people as the high priest says this and you see them fleeing away from the temple towards this village off in the distance. And then you see ten armored warriors sort of like burst into action.

Three of them stay behind to guard this temple. The other seven and the high priest hop onto these strange mounts and start charging up the hill towards you in sort of like a phalanx formation. Quick question, when you say strange mounts, like horses? Elsie, obviously having done a really good job on her A encyclopedia, knows a lot about ancient civilizations. So I want to roll no. I'm just trying to get a sense, like, does anything feel weird?

Like does she look at this like, oh my God, we're in ancient times. Or she looks at this like, oh, they have like robot mounts instead or something like We saw oh I got 69 but my no is 70 nice Alright, because he always passes with a 69 Always not as great as she thinks it's gonna be This is like a nice little thing that before the This is like a nice little thing to before the real action started There's like a fun little diversion

Little side activity oh, I know what your asshole smells like now. That's fun. It's like we have a taster That's like we didn't really need that before the meal The bread and olive oil Either Yeah. You don't want to fill up on it either. Alright. Hahahaha! Oh fuck! Alright. That's good. With your 69, nice. This all looks, again, like if you had to classify this in a sort of civilization epic,

this seems like a sort of Bronze Age civilization that you're looking at. However, it doesn't read as any historical culture or civilization that you're familiar with. How conveniently non-problematic! It's completely new and different than anything you've seen, although in terms of the technology, you would read it as about that same time period. Okay, but yeah, it doesn't seem like I can't really glock, clock, clock. You can't glock it. Yeah, clock it.

Although Francis could glock it. Francis, you have two guns. I do! You maybe protect us with the two guns. Yeah, I was thinking so. And show them the power of modern technology. Yeah, I was gonna use the electric gun on them, really show them the power. Make them think I'm Thor.

Okay, very good. God of thunder. This is a plan. Yeah, and then just scare them. So they stop coming at us. I bellow out. Aaaaaaah! Because they don't speak English, so why would I even yell anything at them?

Chilling. And then I'm gonna shoot the ground in front of them with the electric gun. So it's like, again, it looks like a big spiky rock with a little electrodes pointing out off of it. It's not really for human anatomy, it's jury rigged so that a human can kind of fire it. You fire it at the ground in front of them, and this pulse of lightning zaps out of this thing and hits the ground, and just a big chunk of dirt flies up in front of them. They skid to a halt on their mounts. A couple of them dive off.

You see the high priest like rear up. Now that they're a little closer, Freddy, you were asking about their mounts. And they're like, they're not horses. They've got like six legs, but they kind of look like horses. They look like a sort of like, if evolution had gone a different weird way, a six legged spider horse is kind of what you're looking at here.

A centa horse. A centa horse, if you will. And then you realize as these guys get closer, they're quite big as well. They're like big and covered in hair. They look kind of Sasquatchy. Do they know about Sasquatches in the Midwest at this point? How long has Bigfoot been real? I feel like it was a 60s thing. Oh, the modern version of the story gained popularity in the 1950s. Oh, okay.

No shit. The British explorer David Thompson is sometimes credited with the first discovery of Bigfoot in 1811. Noted liar, David Thompson. So the horses are like the horses in John Carter from Mars, which have six legs. Oh, do they? Yeah.

Okay, they, yeah, they look like that. Matt, the only human being alive who saw that movie. So yes, you see Bigfoot's on spider horses in ceremonial garb dive off of their mounts and sort of like raise their hands in the air like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Trudy, Trudy. What? I think they're scared of the new technology. I think Trudy's our leader.

Show them your brain. Wait, what? You should be like, you could be like a god to them or something. Huh? Huh? Like show them. And it's not problematic because it's not based on any other race. Show them your robot. I mean, she's almost a god to me as far as I'm concerned. She's like a robot. All women are goddesses.

Well, yes, I will approach but not too closely and then I will press them all on my neck that reveals my robot inner workings. Okay, this will really flip their gourd. You do that as you step forward. The moment she does that, by the way, Kelsey wants to look straight at the brain and go, uh, I can't look at it without this happening! And then she falls to the ground

and pretends to, like, start shivering. Francis doesn't do that. No, Francis, then they'll be scared of Shuri's power. They'll think that, like, it kills them. Well, no, then they'll think that we're lying because it's not happening to them. Oh fine, Kelsey just stands around. Describe how you're doing this. What are you trying to do? Very much has the feeling of like, hey check this out.

Holy shit. Dude. I think the move is for the rest of us to kneel in deference. Yeah, that's a good idea Yeah, that's what I meant to do. I feel just these old First you guys give me a performance role for your kneeling and how impressed you are I should be really good at kneeling because I work under the sink There is no performance is there not give? Give me a Persuade roll. My Persuade is 10, and I got a 94.

OK, so that's not good. My Persuade is 55, and I got 52. My Persuade is 10, and I got 53. Hey, Matt. Why does he have to have 10 Persuades? Well, I'm not persuasive. What do you want? Some people are not persuasive.

You ever walk in and look around and look and see a guy? I'm stealthy. Beth, give me a Persuasion roll, and I was gonna give you advantage for how impressive this bit of technology is, but based on how terrible your cohorts did in trying to kneel to you, they're kind of throwing off the vibe by not seeming that impressed.

So give me just a normal straight ahead persuade roll. I got a 44 and my persuade is 30. Okay, in that case, I'm gonna say that they turn aggressive once again like for a second. Oh come on you just got shot Ed Yeah, shoot the ground again motherfuckers I can do this all day It's electric. So sort of in Bolden they're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa They're just freaked out by what's going on. They're getting jittery They're getting panicky and one of them is gonna throw a spear at you Francis. That's that's sexist

They don't like to see a woman in power. They're throwing it at me You didn't respect Trudy Francis. You shot at them. That's why they're shooting at me. Yeah Well cuz you're shooting at them. Stop talking to me and pay attention to the spear coming at you What if uh, ooh, Blake is you- Come to the kitchen and watch! Blake you said that there was a death trap here. Trudy, he's gotta focus on the spear, it's flying at him. No, he's really far away, he's got a couple more seconds. Alright, sorry.

Hold on, it's quite the wind up. He's really going to put his whole body into this one. You can see the way he gyrates and twists around. Yeah, it's like apocalypto. Yes, now he's dragging the foot and spinning and torquing. Whoa, you better be careful. Oh wow, Blake, you should narrate the Olympics if they ever put them on the television. Give me one sec.

It looks like he's got some time before the spirit's thrown, so what were you saying, Trudy? Yeah, what was that? He's taking a quick break, apparently. Don't worry, we'll be here whenever you're ready to throw a spirit at us. He's holding up his hand to like aim. He's going through the air in slow motion right now

while I look up what I need to roll from who? Hey Trudy, I'm sorry for interrupting you, it sounded like you had a question for Blake there. Yes. Yes. You had mentioned a death trap here that you had put kind of close to your excrement swamp. And I was wondering if maybe we could lead this group.

Ah, yes. The death trap is very specific. It is a line of rope across at head height. You can see that the death trap is no longer there, but it's been- And someone has taken it down, what the fuck? Millions of years between the time of the dinosaurs and what's going on now. I just tied that, what the fuck? There's a drip- oh, so it's gone now.

It's gone. And there wasn't a tumble here before either, right? No, I was talking about the slow time thing, remember? Okay, yeah, so there's lost change since then, so yeah, I don't think a line was going to do much for us. My poop pun's still there. If I don't get killed by the spear that's coming at me, I think maybe we could try diplomacy? I feel like I can dodge it though, it's going to move really slow. Yes, be careful, make sure you stretch before you do any physical activity.

I believe in you, Francis, I think you're going to catch this. Francis, you have two options here, you can catch or dodge. Hey, Francis, you know, why other than just sitting here being worried about the spear coming? Let's do a little practice. I'm gonna throw some stuff at you. You do a little catch. Okay? Alright, I throw a stick at Francis. Oh, alright, that's close focus. Don't be looking at me Stick is going much slower. Yeah, I try don't look at where the stick is but where you think the stick is going to be Here you go. That's hard. Yeah ready? Hit me right in the face. Oh man. Okay. Don't look at where the stick is, but where you think the stick is going to be. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, ready? It hit me right in the face.

Oh, man. OK. Let's do one more here. That's what practice is for. One for two. All right, here we go. Oh, you thought I was going to throw, but I did. You never know what.

Ah! Ah! I got it in my face. All right. I got it in my face. He's throwing a spear at you. Does he get advanced because he's practiced? No.

Absolutely not. He's going to make a throw roll which you can counter by dodging if you would like to or you can just, I don't know, get hit if you want. Seems like a pretty clear answer there. So give me a dodge roll to oppose his throw. I got a five. Oh wow. Oh my god, it's like the only cool part of The Northmen or whatever that movie that we saw that we ate. Or he catches it and throws it back. Ooh, okay so five out of what? It's like the only cool part of the Northmen or whatever that Catches it and throws it back

Okay, so five out of what I'm out of 30 Happy when your students that's a super duper success, right? Yes, just scribe the dodge to me paint me the picture So I see this thing coming at me as I have for the last 20 minutes. I See the arc Almost as if it's visible almost as like it's a grenade reticle in a video game we could see where the grenade's gonna land and I gingerly step to where it's about to get at the parabola and as it comes down I open my mouth, the apex I open my mouth and it comes down I go from the side and I just bite down real hard right before it hits the ground

and it just shaves off like a good centimeter of my teeth And then keeps going and hits the ground. Oh no! But my teeth are still technically on the very end of it so I kind of caught it in my teeth technically. Okay so you now have one spear. We'll start a combat round. Blake why don't you start us off.

I'm gonna grab the spear and use it as my weapon. And then I want to do the thing where I like sweep the spear in a big wide arc to keep him back like yeah I mean, they're pretty far away from us still right there still charging up this hill We'll give them one good full sprint round to get up to you guys Oh, well, I'm gonna hold my turn and let the guy with the electric gun take another shot France Is this your cue Francis it is now your turn All right We'll call it a surprise round you by failing the persuaded role have triggered their fight or flight

And they've decided to fight you I tried to be nice you all saw right I tried to do diplomacy Yes, you have done enough diplomacy in the eyes of the International Court. This is justified. Yes Oh shit, I got a 9 out of 38 Oh boy a 9 out of 38 that's a super not a super duper unfortunately, okay But I'm gonna shoot the first guy that's coming up right in square in the chest, bro. Do you think it chains? You know you hit one in the next year's people also get hit like district 9 where it's like well that gun did some Crazier shit, and I thought it would I love it in movies when guns do crazy Men in black was one of the best movies

Noisy cricket in terms of guys that that crazy shimmy black on men on top dude I walked into that movie this will be a movie about aliens little that I know is about Every time I see a gun come out of movie. I lean back and go show me what you got Only two moves have ever satisfied me men in black and fifth element So I have the rules for the electric gun up It's a little more complicated than I thought. Jury rig for human use. The weapon fires uncertainly. Roll 1d6 while attempting to fire.

The weapon only fires on a result of 1 to 2. And then we'll give you your firearm skill for it. So it looks like that first one was free. And then there's, but it does a bunch of- I rolled a 1! Oh you rolled a 1! Okay great. A bunch of bluish sparks fly out of this thing.

Is this the guy that threw the spear at you? Is that who you're aiming at? Yeah, okay, so he rolled a 69 so you name Episode two rolls roll 1d 10 for your damage. I got a 9 okay 9 damage Does his head explode no, but he is not looking good at all. It's got a scorched head after I shoot him in the chest I want to put out my hands and an applicating gesture like, calm down, calm down, like waving them down like, stop.

Well, I think that's offensive. You shouldn't tell people to calm down. Calm down. So he needs to make a constitution roll or he's going to fall unconscious. He passes his constitution roll. Darn. So he stays upright and just reels from this damage.

Give me another persuade roll with advantage to try to calm him down. Oh cool. Nope. Kelsey, it's your turn. The temple has like a big structure of the key on top of it. Yes. And it's green key. Yes. Kelsey is going to pull out her notepad, as she always used to write notes for all of her encyclopedia knowledge. Her accoutrement, yes. She is going to wave her hands to me like wait wait We don't want to fight we just need and I'm going to take my time going to draw a picture of the key

I'm like drawing the key and I point at it and pointed at the temple and point at Trudy's brain and point at me I'm point at the book and pointed the temple and point at Trudy's brain and then point at the guy do like an X sign like We don't wanna shoot. He, that weird brain robot, no shoot, we're okay. I like this. Give me a persuade roll. 30. Okay, that's great.

Having been zapped by this nasty gun and seen that it's nearly killed one of their big foot compatriots, the high priest sasquatch sort of like parses what you're saying and then when you point to the key and then point to Trudy's brain and point to the gun, like his eyes go wide and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He frantically waves to his guys and then he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, through And I put the top key key Trudy plus key And they all go oh The high priest comes up to you and he like keep your iron sights on

I'm just like, I keep one in the chamber in case you ponder it. He's like seven feet tall, he's like towering over you. And he does this like little bow, like this little bow and be like, wah wah. Ah, yeah. I bow back. Yes, we bow back. Yes. And then he stands up and goes, wah wah wah wah, and he points to this city in the distance. Wah wah.

Wah wah? You're from there. Wah wah wah. Okay. Wah wah wah. Why aren't you there. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why aren't you there right now? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Big questions, big questions.

Francis, you need to use the pointing and gesturing way. Oh, the pointing, oh, okay. Also, Francis, you notice that like, the way this seems to be sizing up is that like the big priest seems like, oh, Kelsey, you must be the me of your group. Yes. And then the big foot that you shot at, Francis,

she comes up and she's glowering at you. And she's like, oh, you must be the me of this group. Yes. And then the Bigfoot that you shot at, Francis, she comes up, and she's glowering at you. And she's like, oh, you must be the me of this group, like the bad ass. And she folds her arms and glares at you like, hmm. Yeah, except I don't get shot in the chest like an idiot. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I point to there. Is she cute?

I mean, yeah, sure. Yeah, for Bigfoots, yeah, absolutely. And he's born in a storm. When they point. He's been gone for like a day. Yeah, but I gave up on Carly. I'm on the market again. Oh, you're a free man. You're dating Carly.

What market? He's dating Carly. He just tried to murder her boyfriend. That's not the same as dating somebody, Francis. What's the matter with the motto? Francis, we have. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The high priest points to the city in the distance.

Okay, then I point to the city, I go, what is that called? We, and I point to all of us, and I point out, like, as if there was a city behind me, and I go, America. America, you, city, what, whoa. Shining city on a hill. What's yours called? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't think you can, you can't really understand it. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But he called? Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't really understand it.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But he's whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he motions for you to like follow them to the city. Heads on this, heads on the swivel. I point to the city and I give a big thumbs up like, oh, that looks really cool. Before we go to the city, can we go to, and I point to the temple

and I point to the key, I go, key first? Whoa, whoa, whoa. He points to the temple. Yeah. And we all point to the temple. We all point to the temple and I point to the key, I go, key first? Whoa, whoa, and he points to the temple. Yeah. And we all point to the temple. We all point to the temple. All right, yeah, he leads you down the valley towards the temple. I used to say, I just feel stuck.

Stuck where I don't wanna be. Stuck trying to get to where I really need to be. But then I discovered lifelong learning. Learning that gave me the skills to move up, move beyond. Gain that edge. Drive my curiosity. Prepare me for what is inevitably next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies.

Lifelong learning to stay forever unstuck. How many of these big boys are around us? So you kind of like, you have a retinue of seven bigfoot surrounding you. Okay, we're dead if we fuck this up. As you're marching down this hill, you see the three bigfoots that were guarding this temple like look a little surprised,

but then they realize something important must be happening. So they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, and like the main guy is like whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, they immediately snap to attention like step aside as you approach the entrance to this temple as we're approaching them There's like one little snotty bigfoot who's trying to get them to break character You know, I mean like throw little pebbles at the guys like kissing him on the cheek Try to break a big old hat. Yeah. Trudy, can I ask you, as I'm, well, I'm with you. Yeah, you have a little second here

as you guys are heading towards this temple. Can I ask you maybe a little rude question? I'm just trying to, I don't know how much you've kind of examined or know how your robot self works. I was actually wondering the same thing, if I have a translation app within me. Oh, that's even better. I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, are you looking for, how do you look, Trudy? Well, I you touch a different mole on my body and see what happens, okay? Have any of the other balls done anything? How many balls do you have I'm one of the Give me a no roll to see if like and just try to like Give me a no roll to see if like and just try to like access your memories of yourself And like just to know your own body to know if this is something that you have the capability of doing Oh, we should know their own body This is equivalent of getting system information in Windows I got a 46 and my education is 65

Oh, okay You know all the models of graphics card Yes Okay, so True,y just typed in D X Diagon to run. Love it. You sort of like have this vague memory of when you were being installed into your body. Vague half memories of consciousness that have slipped

past you in the months, I guess, since you were built. But you have this vague sense of like having this ability programmed into you to understand other like almost Like the original treaty was able to communicate to you psychically There's a sort of latent ability like that to understand the communication of others that Tucker had programmed into you And it's there's some way to activate it. It's one of the many how many moles are on your body She's one of the most people in in the world. Roll a D100. Roll a D100. How many moles? 97. Whoa!

So one of your 97 moles will activate this ability. Alright boys, let's press the moles! I look for any irregular, maybe cancerous moles that I might have. the way the average number of moles on a person 10 to 40 okay? I definitely I have up like a lot How many your moles can you reach like I guess is mostly just like any mole She's got friends with her though, so every every bulls reachable with friends Personally give me so it's 90 you have 97. Yeah, I'm gonna write down a number okay

You're all the number you can activate by hooker by crook your ability to universal remember a moment when you and Tucker We're making love and he's like whatever you do. Don't ever touch this mole When we were silent in bed with the lights off under the covers after having both showered and then showering afterwards. Did he say it between his first and second pump before he ended? Roll a 97 sided dice, I guess. Okay. You just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100.

Yeah, just re-roll if it's a 98, 99, or 100. 60. No, that is not the number. God damn it. And we'll let you just, anytime you want to call for it. Yes, what no, all right? I'll give you one more guess guess 71 no, it's not everyone But what did 71 do I was gonna say 64 like the Nintendo 64 it was not it was not 64 either so far None of them have done anything it's good that you're exploring that you should you should learn your body

That's important thing for us women to do I was also just gonna think when we get to this key Do you have any part of your body like again? I'm trying to be polite. Do you have a keyhole? Okay, well I guess how it works is we're just like There's more want to convince them that the key like is yours like it belongs to you so like I don't know you You're bringing up when someone's wondering if there's like a slot like that way when we get there you'd be like oh hey like that's mine I dropped that that's mine give it to me I don't see any pockets on these big feet so maybe if she puts it in her pocket they'll still think the same thing

And I have a green oven mitt It'll perfectly match the hue of the key I just think they won't just give it to us I was just trying to like you know Yeah it seems very important I don't know Lost and Found got to prove they asked for your ID So like it's just like, you know, I just like as you actually some places don't ask for your ID Okay, now you find out that Kelsey goes to loss and bounds against it just says stuff Well most places after ID where you stole your encyclopedias

Lost my credit card if you're a six-year-old teacher I said they don't even ask you just say hey I think I lost some stuff at this restaurant, can I just get the lost and found? And they'll let you take anything, guys. Uh, as you approach the temple, the guards step aside, you step into an inner chamber, and it's got like a sort of high stone vaulted ceiling.

Spot hidden for key. Go ahead. I missed. Okay, you don't see a key. Well, this is lovely. I'll have to meet your interior decorator The priest is like whoa whoa And so you see this mural wrapped around this chamber and like the priest is showing you this mural kind of

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh How would he know Kelsey? How did he recognize what you said? Holy shit, he can speak English! He can hear it, he just can't say it! Well, well, well, he can't. Yeah, he just can't! So we understand this sentence as well!

I don't know how to get out of this. Be careful about what we say now, I think they can understand us. Yes, they own the English, eh? He sort of shows you this mural, and the mural depicts the cultural history of these people long ago two tribes lived in harmony Oh my god Is there another podcast you'd like to go to? Would you like to go to the principal's office, Anthony? Anthony's just fucking jamming the A button on his controller, like, let me fucking, give me the sword, give me the sword.

Pull down the A button, skip. When do I shoot? Pause, skip cut scene, skip cut scene. Anthony, if you would like to play your Steam Deck while I'm explaining this important plot information, go ahead. I'm excited about these two tribes. Long ago, two tribes live in harmony.

Francis, pay attention. I am! Okay. I have autism, I can play games and listen at the same time, I think. One tribe, a tribe called Quest. One from the plains and one from the swamp. And he says, like, grr.

Like when he's, you know, Oh, you're the swamp guys. He does not like the swamp people. Oh, no, you're the plains. I think these are planes, guys. Until one day, a brave hero of the planes named, do we have a document that does the user submitted names? I'm pretty sure somebody submitted,

Matt Arnold submitted, Link from the Plains of Hyrule submitted. Hey, look at this user submission. This looks like a pretty cool guy. What did he write? He wrote, Link. This was sent to us cool guy. What did he write? He wrote like This was sent to us by Kiva. Thank you Kiva. The name is Huxley fiasco Bigfoot named Huxley fiasco

Discovered a pot in the ground some strange thing in the ground with a key inside key and the people of the plains Deemed it a gift from the gods above and that someday they would discover a door in the sky That this key belongs to that would allow them to ascend to another world People the planes worked nobly towards this goal, but they were betrayed by the greedy people of the swamp Who coveted the key they attacked the people of the planes stole the key and have hoarded it ever since Stole the key and have hoarded it ever since. So it's not here. Swamp people have it. Give me a spot hidden roll. Kelsey?

Oh yeah, don't worry. Let me just want to see how good of a success that was. That was a super success. It was a 26 out of 55. Excellent. Okay, then you can tell that this mural has been painted over. It seems like this temple has changed hands a couple of times. And so this story you are seeing might not be the whole story.

Unreliable narrator, dude. Perhaps if one were to take a closer look, you'd have to do so under the... You're in the room with the Bigfoots right now. Can I just get really close to the picture? Sure. I mean, I want a closer look. We'll take out your reading glasses. Oh, you're right. My reading. We'll take out your reading glasses. Oh, you're right.

My reading glasses, I take out my reading glasses. These things really double my spot-hidden skill. Boo. My spot-hidden skill's now 100. I take my reading glasses out, I get real close. As you do that, the high priest gets a little suspicious. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I put my finger up, like of his Classic teacher librarian finger

I'm thinking Give me an intimidate and I got 19, but my intimidate is 15 Yeah, I feel you can push your role I'll use for luck for a shush that feels like a good thing to do. I got 53 luck. I shushed Okay, so you shush him and yes with your inner librarian authority you remind him of his Bigfoot mother who he's very scared of and he Kind of backs off for a second. He's like he's really turned on for a second. Yeah, he hides his job and thus therapy is born. Psychology begins. Psychology begins. So that's what it's like in their family. Yeah, he has this confused look on his face as he's both aroused and intimidated by you.

And then he backs off because he is also weighing like, do I want to offend this higher up in this new group of people or not? So he backs away and lets you get a closer look. As you approach, you can kind of make out what's been etched over and what's been painted over as you look at the mural. And you can tell that in a different, older version of the story, he was gifted to the people of the swamp by the gods below

and stolen by a cruel villain named Huxley, what was it? Huxley Fiasco. And in this version, they're called Suxley Fiasco. Oh. It was stolen by Suxley Fiasco from the people of the planes so the people of the swamp launched a cunning raid to steal the key back and have held it ever since. They've been plumbing the depths trying to find the door below

that the key goes to so they can descend to a new world and join their gods, all while the people of the planes try to steal their key back Trudy if you look closer, there's another version that says Essentially both of them think the others the bad guy, but I think in either story the swamp people have the key Give me one more spot hidden everybody. That's about him. Give me a no roll 51 and my Noah's 70 pass I got an 11 63 and my Noah's 28 failed Francis failed Francis failed

Okay, so you two are both ogling your cool gun Let me hear a little bit of that yeah, I keep my finger off the trigger. It's a good trigger discipline I don't understand you say you pull trigger, but the one third of the time only shoots. Yeah one third of the time is pretty good I mean, what does the other if I was a batter in the big leagues, 300 is pretty good. But the other two out of three times. Yeah, miss. But I'm getting up nice and close, so that's not even an issue. Well, you just pulled the trigger to get it.

You killed my dog! No, now listen. You have the gun. I do! And I have a memory of my beloved dog. Yeah, I will stand over here. I will stand over here, please. Keep it cool, bitch. Yeah, I curse now. You're such a cool teen. Thank you!

Finally, somebody gets me. Are you maybe number one most popular kid in class? You know what? Yes. Now, Francis, we don't tell lies in this temple. I mean, I am probably the most popular. Now, Francis, we don't tell lies in this temple. I mean, I am probably the most popular, assuming they know that I shot a kid. Yeah, you were the most bullied until you shot a kid. They're definitely talking about me now.

Yeah, they're talking about you. I got them talking. No, no, all, you know, all press is good press. Hey, hey, hey, a win is a win. Francis, I have a question for you. Yeah? What do you think's gonna happen when we get back? I think Shane Silver Sr. is gonna kill seniors gonna kill me he's gonna find me he's gonna pretend that I

did I have drugs on me and he's gonna shoot me in the fucking head okay well you're clear-eyed about it wow that's going through a lot well that's going on the two of you notice there is a star chart on the ceiling above you, like these constellations. And you kind of realize as you're looking at them, and maybe A for astronomy. Oh, she knows everything about astronomy. You know everything about astronomy. And Trudy's a robot, so ipso facto. You realize that this spot you are standing on is like, these people think that this is the exact center of their universe. They're like, this is the center of the whole of existence

Okay, as you're taking in these sites the high priest is looking a little antsy and he really wants to get you over to his City he's like whoa He points to not his watch they don't have watches but he points to his arm That and that's the symbol for let's hurry up on his one. And on his arm is a small sundial. Yes, he has a wrist sundial. Well, that's not gonna work inside. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He holds it outside and it's pointed,

and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I hear you, just really quick, this painting, does it show the door that they want to go to? Like, is that how we learned that? Yes. Okay, great. Cause then I point at that door, and I go, oh, that door, that's where we're from. Yeah.

So you. Oh, they all drop to their knees. Yes, yes. So then I say, all of you, and I point at all of them, and then I do a motion of like, go to war, and I go point at the swamp, swamp, get key, and bring it here, and I sit down and wait.

And the. Kelsey, I don't think you get to judge me anymore. The big foot is like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. All right. We'll go to the city. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. He's like, he's like, we should go to the city. Okay. This is like when you skip the cut scene and then another cut scene starts and you're like, ah, two in a row. Right. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But you know, it's like another city. He has more information for us, guys. That looks broken. We're off to the city of the city of the Plains people.

So the high chief is like, Whoa, whoa, whoa! And he claps his hands three times, and the three guards give up their cool horse spider mounts. Hell yeah. Or four of them, because it's four of you, give up their mounts so that the four of you can ride these cool as I- Damn, this is easy as fuck.

Well, shouldn't marbles get his own mount? Yes. If he's scared? Oh you showed them Marbles? Yeah Marbles pops. WHAAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAWHAAAW I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you and again. I am so so sorry Marbles still hates you for using marbles as a weapon to kill your robot daughter I just don't think that it should be forever Judy I could take him. What do you mean? I can hold on to him until he forgets about the trauma that you inflicted

I mean, I can hold on to him until he forgets about the trauma that you inflicted Skeptically like that's never gonna have marbles marbles are living in my skull Helm. Yeah, maybe something will happen to marbles And then you will be even I love all of God's creatures! Yes, yes Blake. Trudy. Kelsey, Trudy. Is Francis always like this? Well, he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a youth, a teenager. And they can be so hard-headed. And, you know, just a... just kind of a...

But, you know, he's growing up and he's learning any and he's and and and He's a work in progress. I look all our isn't that that's just the age-old question with violent kids Is is that just over they always like that? Something push it. We don't know with Francis. He's gone through a lot So we'll say all of this you guys can continue to the conversation You are riding through the countryside on your spider horses. Oh, yeah, we were good at it Yeah, I was like I could make you roll, but I don't want to think about like you know what? They're extra stable yeah, they got more legs right and they're very obedient So if the two legs are just coming out of either side of them and like perpendicular to the ground so it's like

I guess they fell over Training wheels well it's nice as they can break a horse leg and not get put down because they got five other legs Oh, wow. Yeah, think about it. Wait spiders have eight legs They're very good. They can buy some for four legs and still have four legs I shoot every spider the second it gets injured. Did you shoot every? Yeah, so yes, you go through these rolling planes Towards this village. It's quite nice.

It's quite pretty. There are sort of telltale signs that the area's kind of fallen on hard times. So you see wounded people being tended to, a lot of Bigfoot's missing limbs. They've been through a couple of battles here, you know? You make your way through these statched-roofed huts, this little village, that surrounds a big, almost like a Viking longhouse, like a Viking lodge. And you enter and there's like two like sigils of a key on the door as they swing open.

They're really key-pilled. They're really key-pilled around here. Oh, I had a bunch of fun details about that. Like they all have mohawks and then you realize that they've styled their hair to look like the riches of a key. That's cool. I was like, that's kind of fun, right?

You think that's kind of fun world-building kind of stuff? We got some of that going on. Hey guys, look at their hair, it like the riches of a key. That's cool. I was like, that's kind of fun, right? I think that kind of fun world building kind of stuff. We got some of that going on. Hey, guys, look at their hair. It looks just like keys. You roll in. Who's first? Who comes in first? On horseback.

Oh, well, you've dismounted from your horses. Who opens the? I come in on horseback. All right, you ride your spider horse straight through the front doors. And they swing open. And guess what? This is a little treat for the person who opened the door.

They look just like Strider when he fucking opens that door. Do you know what I mean? But what if he was riding a horse? What if he was on a horse in addition to being all sexy when he comes in a rowhound? It looks like that. What if the horse pushed it open? And the horse looks sexy? Oh, that's true. Actually, yes, the horse pushed it open.

The horse looks really sexy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this really sexy spider horse tosses its dirty Viggo Martinson hair and then lands and then reveals you And you see at the end of this hall a queen sitting on her throne this bigfoot queen and her name is Anthony Hit me her name. Where can I submit my name? Where is this? Form I was the best this is from Charlene Lamphere. And the name is Scarlet Fury. Scarlet Fury Fiasco.

Key finder of the Plains people. Queen Scarlet starts at first as you barge through the door, but then the High Priest quickly comes up and is like, WAH WAH WAH! Everyone's a titter as he introduces you. Everyone's a titter. And you, I assume, dismount. The queen rises. Sort of, she's looking regal and intimidating and impressed.

But also, I gotta, you know, like she's gotta show her dominance. Kelsey, I point at me. Trudy? Trudy, I experienced Scarlet Fury once a month. Hahahaha. Wait, he programmed that in? It seems cruel, doesn't it? Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck? Is that just so he can be like, oh, are you on that time of the month thing? What an asshole. So the queen steps up to you and eyes you. What were you saying, Kelsey? Did you say something?

Oh, I just said my name and Trudy introduced herself? Trudy, yes, yes. Blake, reading the room, bows to the queen. I bow to. Most regally. They do. She walks around you, kind of eyeing you suspiciously, and she sort of strokes her chin like thinking, she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Flex my forearms. And then she looks at one of the sort of members of her court, and goes like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and then goes like, whoa. And then he runs out, you hear like some struggling and scuffling. And he comes back in with a chained up human man in a lab coat. And he's got big goofy glasses. And he's a little nerdy looking guy. And he's like, whoa, whoa, just hang on.

And he sees you. He's like, oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Other humans. Oh, thank God. I was thinking, wait, what are you doing here? Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? Identify yourself. And do I know this man's toilet? Tucker Trout sent us. And then thank God. Oh, thank you. What are you doing here? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you identify yourself and do I know this man's toilet Tucker track sent us and then the Queen is like whoa? Whoa, whoa, whoa to the guy. He's like, okay, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, you can speak Yeah, I can speak. I'm part of project heartlander. You guys were okay Do you leave the door open tell me you left the door open tell me we get out of here We do we leave it open. I can't remember T Rex left it. Yeah, I don't think we closed it And there's been a real problem with containment, but we need the key and we're here to rescue you Do we leave it open? I can't remember. The T-Rex left it. Yeah, I don't think we closed it. I don't think we closed it. And there's been a real problem with containment. But we need the key.

And we're here to rescue you. OK. OK. Who are they, by the way? Who are you? Well, let's start here. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I just told them that I'm going to be explaining something

to you guys real quick so that we understand each other. They'll give me a couple minutes before they get suspicious. Shimmy choo-doo. Shimmy choo-doo. Tarong doagoche! Chica Carbonite! Darth Vader! Meanwhile the Queen's like in like...

Far away matter bay too! When you say that, Will, the Queen's like, whoa whoa whoa whoa, another cutscene from this and that. Shut up! From their perspective, they have to wait! From their perspective, they also think Will's story is better. No no no no! Now they have to wait for this guy to explain to us. Alright Tim, man, new man.

All the Bigfoots take out their Steam decks. New man, what is your name? My name is Jenkins. I work in the Project Heartland Research Division. I came in this morning, Sunday morning, I was just trying to catch up on work. Don't tell Tucker I'm in here, okay? I mean, we won't. How long you been in here? I mean, I came in this morning, but time works differently here. I've been trapped here for weeks, I got captured.

Okay, well yeah, you seem like a very bad guy. Do you get that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa We know that oh, he's a he's a bad guy I think my face is hard to hide how I feel Wait a second and he looks at you Trudy and is like Mrs. Trout? Yes What do you but if you're here then oh something's gone bad something's gone really wrong hasn't it? What would make you say that? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy Tucker really said that I I should expand my horizons and maybe clean some of the laboratory

And so I wound up in here so silly just a classic woman mistake, okay? Well, I don't believe you but look we're all in a pretty bad situation here, okay? It sounds like we're pretty cool They think we're like have you killed do you know where the key is that's what we need Yeah, the key is with the swamp people. They're on the other side of the world. Yeah, we already knew that Well, I'm not gonna trade are you kidding me who is this who are you? Yes, Francis? Where's my mayor? I have an idea Francis Francis. How do you say this man is our friend? We need to save this guy. Oh, that's good. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's great, cause yeah, they think you're... What did you tell them?

You don't need to worry about that, Jenkins. You need to worry about what you're going... They think we're from the bottom door. And we had some cool technology, we shot some stuff, truly showed the brain, and we pointed at the picture and said we're from the sky. Oh my god, okay, okay. And Jenkins, let me just be the first to say Tucker's very disappointed in you. Uh-oh. Because of your time card is going to be very over time.

What? But he doesn't even know I'm here? How does he know I'm here? How are you going to fill out your time card? Genius! Oh geez, oh geez, look, let's just regroup at the bunker and we can figure it out there, okay? Okay, but first tell me how to say the thing that we asked you to say. Oh, okay. Well, do we want to save him? Well, no, because here was my plan, my cunning cunning plan is you can then say that and then wink at them and now they'll know you're not being serious and to kill him. We might as well save him if there's like security measures.

Wait, wait, you guys should definitely save me! Fine, I'll save you but I have a question. Did you work for Project Harlead or not? No, we don't. We are part of the ex-unit. I do, she doesn't. We're a ragtag crew. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble. I need to get out of here.

I am on your side. You're doing a lot of talking for someone that needs something from us. So just wait one second. I have a question. My name's Kelsey. You should know me. I'm the teacher in Beechamil.

So respect it, okay? Yeah, hi Mrs. Grammer. Okay, quick question. You don't remember me Jenkins? You taught me in high school. I don't, I only remember my favorite students. So here's the thing. Oh.

Have you met the swamp people? I haven't met the swamp people, no. Do you get a sense that they're pretty similar to these people? No, they're way different. They came out of like, the environment got contaminated in that swamp and like they evolved. It's not the typical thing that we see

and when we run these experiments. Okay. What's the typical thing you see? Oh, you guys really don't know anything about why you're here, do you? I'm from a different department. We are part of the X unit. No, we know why we're here.

We do black ops. Do you know what this place is? Do you understand what's going on here? No, we don't know that. I assume it's an experiment to see how, like, society emerges over long periods of time. Like, you fuck with variables and shit and see what happens. Francis, that is good critical thinking.

Am I right? Yeah, that was great. You always have such a hard time when you write those paragraphs and you have to summarize them, but you, I didn't even, that was great. You always have such a hard time when you write those paragraphs and you have to summarize them. But you, I didn't even catch that. You're not far off. Yeah, I dab.

So what we're in right now, and again, I need to wrap this up because they're looking a little suspicious. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, say something to me, like sound angry. What if I don't believe that you're appeasing them? What if I believe that you're not going to help us? Well, you only have me to trust

unless there's some mole on your body. I'm gonna press another mole. Guess a number. I'm gonna guess. I am going to guess. Before she guesses, this is important. Have you decided, are there other numbers she could say that do other things?

There absolutely should be. The three of you discord me a number and something it does on Trudy That's fun Beth you can do what to yeah, I don't try like yeah I don't want to say that true doesn't have control for a body here Somebody else gets a number and I'll tell you what it does Sure yes, I will you're right. I will yes text me the thing ready

That makes me calm I've sent mine. Okay. Yes is my plan to make Like our 2d2 who just keeps getting more and more things The Swiss army knife of plot robots, I am going to guess the number 31 nope nothing fuck that one's just cancer when you say make him look angry. I'm going to guess the number 31. Nope, nothing. Fuck! That one's just cancer. When you say make him look angry, I'm going to slap Jenkins.

Ah! And then like turn to the three of them, be like, yeah, right, I'm in charge. Guys, just pretend it's cool that I slapped him. That was pretty cool. So cool! And I look at the chief, I go, you know, I gotta take. And the chief's like, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. Us CEOs know. Us LinkedIn CEOs know.

That make it work life balance. All right, Jane Getz, we're gonna save you. I want you to understand the situation you're in now, which is you no longer work for Project Heartland, you work for me. Okay, great, I love that. And what we're doing is great. And we're gonna get three keys

because we're saving Peachyville from whatever you guys were doing. So. Well, okay, agree to disagree, but okay. Okay, that's fine. For now, we're on the same side. Well, okay, agreed to disagree, but okay. Okay, that's fine. For now, we're on the same side. Great, I would love to learn more about

what you think Project Heartland is, because I'm a teacher and I should not close my mind. So you're right, I was being a little close minded, so I would love to learn your perspective. I press mole 17. You put nothing on mole 17. Fuck. Jenkins like looks at you.

Kelsey's just looking at you pressing your balls. It's crazy you have them numbered. I said, go ahead, tell them that you are my assistant and I need you back because I can't do it without you. OK, and he goes to them and says, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And I give a thumbs up. And you give a thumbs up and they're like, hmm.

And then they like cut Jenkins' ropes go and they shove him to you guys. He's like oh, thank you. Thank you Thank you. Look, this is a safe place for us to talk Let's go to the secret hideout and I can explain everything to you there. Okay, I don't like this It's a secret from everyone here. There's just it's just the observation bunker inside the chamber Okay, cool. Will they let us walk over there? And then he turns to the chief and is like, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,

wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,

wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, it would be rude not to. Yes, it's culturally important to you. What do you guys think? Should we stay here or go with Jenkins? They turn to you, Trudy, because you're like, you revealed your brain. You're like the queen of this operation. Yeah, you're Ms. Manners. You know how to do this. So she's like, whoa, whoa, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And she like puts her hand out to you with like a big old turkey. I press mole 46. Queen Scarlet looks at you and like also presses like her body on like this. She thinks this is some sort of salute that you're doing. Yes. OK. Jenkins, just tell them that because they seem like they're a little suspicious just tell them that has been so long and then our tribe we all need to get to know each other and we all need to get the food again for a little bit of

privacy and then we'll be back after I've done my love making and that in our culture we get the food to go and we'll be back for the food so they're not suspicious yes but now it's cold And he explains all of that to her he does like some gestures to like simulate lovemaking Well, he likes to eat while he watches. Yeah, so then he does some eating stuff and they're like Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and then she's like, whoa, whoa Mm-hmm And then she looks at these objects that you have with you the me go electric gun your spellbook this Detector wand the deck of cars and she's like whoa

Was just sort of sheepishly but like whoa And then she takes this crown off of her head like this beautiful helm I give her the electric gun and I take the crown And she's like whoa Then she points like number 46 on her body again And then you know sort of just bids you farewell and gives you your food and like you know sort of gestures like whoa Whoa, Jenkins is like the Queen says that she's very looking forward to seeing you to tomorrow to discuss how together you can crush the swamp People retrieve the key and reach the door in the sky. Cool. Great.

Huh, well, maybe we all want the same thing. Yeah, okay. It seems like all of our, uh... Interests are aligned. Objectives are aligned, yes, very good. Jenkins lead the way through this secret... But no funny moves, Jenkins. Dungeons & Dragons is brought to you this week by Fizz.

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You can even get a prescription if needed. So I quickly got to see the doctor, discussed my symptoms, and she prescribed medication. Starting my treatment earlier means I'm feeling like myself. Ah, earlier too. Get Maple. Get well sooner. Download the app or visit get maple.ca So you guys watching Jenkins Jenkins like a hawk As you write up the moment roll psychology on James, okay Give me a roll and there's the vines that Freddie used before right? Yeah, that was 10 million years ago

Are there vines in this place? Are there vines where what place? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mutual sense of distrust. It's a real scorpion in the frog situation I want to tie Jenkins hands behind his back and he can lead us to the secret headquarters like he's a dog He's walking in front of us, and he's on my leash So it's about two days track Far I mean it's a big world. It's a big world in here you head to the mountains to the west there's these like big scary-looking spooky mountains and You hear these whispering winds in the tunnels and you get this driving really far Yeah, we can talk pretty quickly after leaving in kingdom right?

This is I need to it's just what's in there. This is bullshit You want us to be a special room so you can talk to us we can talk here No, it makes me feel like there's something in the room you want Yeah, to like fuck us over. It's not to talk to talk to us. Like, if you want to talk to us, you can talk to us now. Okay. Explain what's in the room, you motherfucker. As the kid pointed out, and I never got your name by the way. I mean, I did too.

Yeah, you didn't. You don't even know his name. God damn, Francis, you're so cool. As Francis wisely observed, this place- God damn, why'd you tell him? This place, you guys seem familiar. I mean, like, I'm seeing you got the electric on, you got the book. You guys have all completed Project Heartland Orientation.

Yeah, they've got the badges too, right? And you got the badges. So you guys have completed Orientation. Yeah, we worked for Project Heartland. Okay, you already told me that you didn't, but that's fine. All I need to know... We completed Orientation, but it was a while ago. Okay.

Well, you remember when you had to shove that dimensional shambler into the stasis chamber? Yes! Yeah? This is a really big stasis chamber. That's why time works differently here. Every second out there is like a thousand years in here. Time is standing still in here. What that allows us to do, we're the research department. Rather than having to spend our time researching technology, we can grow entire civilizations

in here and over the course of a day, they'll evolve past our wildest dreams and then destroy themselves and we can just take their technology. I smack him. Oh! Ow! What? Are you an idiot? One of these civilizations is going to evolve enough that they have a technology to realize

where they are and then they'll come and kill all of us. They've tried that and whenever they do, whenever they get close, we press a little button and we flood the entire world and kill them all. Yeah, no, I think they're going to get there. What's that button look like? Well, it's back in the master control room. We can't access it from here. I slap him against like, you are just killing people. So now you're just telling me you're killing entire civilizations of people for your little

games. We are- It's funny to me that in Project Heartland, the objective is to put a pin in the powers that be, so to speak, to control these otherworldly creatures that are scary and big, and yet, you would do a vile thing like be the powers that be for this other civilization. Yeah. It shocks me.

Man, it's the real monster. Well, here's one to shock you. Where do you think all the technology that created all those moles came from? My moles? Yeah, mole number 47, you don't even know what that one does. Mole number 32, you don't know any of these. I hate number 32, I click it. Your eyes go into party mode like a desolate. And you just like, they just blink like red and green.

It's like Christmas party, Trudy. Yeah, you didn't even know they did that? That's from like 20 civilizations ago. As Kelsey sees that, Kelsey just looks like, you killed an entire civilization. I look at Trudy, who's just at the party mode, for that. We are at war. We are trying you turn you see Francis is dancing He's like

You're trying to help humanity survive in a vast terrifying cosmos. Okay, we're practically on the you know We're on the verge of destroying ourselves I don't know if you guys have looked around lately, but the doomsday clock is two minutes to midnight The second the atomic bomb came out we were able to annihilate ourselves I get it you think you're smart and you're interesting, you're not. You're just a shitty, horrible, horrible person. Well, Jenkins, I want to know. No, I don't hear anything from you anymore. Jenkins, I have a question for you. How many experiments have you run? Oh gee, since I got here two weeks ago about... Well, let's see, we could do like four or five a day. Have any of these experiments yielded anything

do like four or five a day. Have any of these experiments yielded anything actually likely? Oh, absolutely. I mean, look at the- Likely to save us. Look at our pioneering work in robotics. I mean, you're looking at it right here. I'm seeing party mode and that's it. You're seeing party mode and that's it?

This whole robot here, everything going on under the hood. If you're playing- From what civilization? I'd have to look up the serial number, it was before my time, but my point is that we are able to research incredible technologies that are going to help up the serial number, you know, it was before my time. But my point is that we are able to research incredible technologies that are going to help save the human race after Zuzel's war with the powers that be. And I know it's ugly work, but it's work that somebody's got to do. And that's what Mr.

Jenkins right here is going to do. Okay. We hear that excuse a lot. That's fine. Jenkins. You're a Nazi, aren't you? This is an operation paper. I'm not.

How dare you? No, you're worse. How dare you? I'm as American as apple pie, sir. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fine. You're an American Nazi. Show us where this place is then.

Just go ahead and lead us and don't talk anymore, please. Jenkins leads you to this bunker that's hidden in these mountains. And you hear like a whispering sound through the wind. And it sounds almost like someone's speaking to you. You can't quite make it out. And as you draw closer and closer to the place he's taking to, it sounds like Shavenda. Haircut.

Haircut. You get closer and closer and closer. Hey everybody, it's pretty... Shavenda. Haircut. Can I see here that was Shavenda haircut? No, let's think a minute before we say T-W-O-B-I-T-S. It takes you into this narrow slot canyon,

and at the back end of the slot canyon, there's wind whipping around and blasting, and the sound is getting louder and louder and louder, and like, there's this tiny crack, and you realize this sound is coming through this hole, and you hear, Shave and a haircut, shave and a haircut. And then Jenkins steps up to the hole. I'm holding his leash tight.

And just, okay, just relax. I'm not. It's just a, and he whispers into the hole, two bits. And then a door slides open. And this was the cool secret password that like, you know, you would've had to figure it out if you bought one. Basically you're rumbling and this rock wall facade slides away, revealing a bunker inside,

like a sort of World War II meets fallout shelter type bunker. Jenkins, who was saying shave in a haircut? Is there somebody in there? No, that's just our security countermeasure. Like these people don't obviously know what shave in a haircut means. And this is, you know,

so we can find the secret bunker. And then that's the password. So it does feel like if you wanted to hide this place, you shouldn't have the door make sounds. Well. Well. Well. Well. It's fair. 400 fucking simulations, Ron. No, it hasn't been a problem yet, so you know, I guess that's just, you know...

It's spooky! They think it's spooky, they stay away because it's the spooky ghost mountain where things are cursed. Something tells me that a couple of people have gone to the door a little early and you just gassed them out of embarrassment. Shut up. What are these bones over here? How many of these places do you have is this the only one well fuck you I'm not telling you shit, and then he walks inside still with him

Yeah, I pulled him back really hard on the leash falls down You answer the boy do you want to get out of here or not? Yeah, you don't get out of here or not? You don't have any leverage here, my man. Do you know how to get out of the chamber once you're inside? We can figure it out. Considering the security was, say, two bits, I'm pretty sure we're on top of this shit. Jenkins, do you know how to talk with a swollen lip? All right, all right, all right. Maybe the foreigners will just live here. How about that? And you can live here with us. This is the only place This is the only control room inside the experiment now. Do you want to come in and see or not? Yeah

Yeah, just wanted to answer Francis's question about how many of these there are. Okay. Well, I did how many I just said this one This one I didn't hear because I was screaming I'm doing my best to not lose it on this serial killer, a genocidal, horrible human being that is part of our community and I can't believe he's a part of it. And I'm doing my best. There's more of him than you think.

There's a lot. We're gonna stop them and I haven't even gone to the point, I haven't even told him that he's deadly responsible for that whole boxing match that we watched a ton of our fellow citizens die so okay Jenkins I would just advise you I seem like I'm a nice person and I don't believe violence is the answer but I'm just saying if you I'm close I'm close okay okay so Jenkins leads you inside he closes the door okay and he shows you this bunker

so there's beds there's a place for you to sleep. There's a pantry full of food like you get the sense that people spend a lot of time Yeah, we get it. We know what bunker is Jenkins. We're not idiots He's also presumably gesturing like with his chin. Those are bad That's a kitchen. He takes you to the control room I just want to make sure that I am keeping him tight so there's no way he's pressing any buns He's not his hands are tied behind his back I just want to make sure that I am keeping him tight so there's no way he's pressing any buttons His hands are tied behind his back. You got a gun trained on him And he's just pointing to things with his nose and not like his nose that near any control panel Here's what you see so you see a video monitor that shows you a video feed of the control room outside

Back in project Heartland and on this monitor you see Tucker when Tucker is moving And on this monitor, you see Tucker. When Tucker is moving so slowly, you couldn't even tell that he's moving. Because again, time is flowing much slower out there than it is in here. But you see Tucker is in the middle of flipping open a case. And inside this case is a syringe. And you remember that he was talking about how he wanted to go fix Timmy. You also remember Trudy, in your memories as original Trudy, you remember the last thing you felt

before going unconscious was a syringe like this sliding into your neck. Oh my God. So. We've gotta get out, we've gotta get out of here. Well we got a lot of time Trudy. Yeah, we basically have millions of years. I think we could actually,

we could literally live our entire lives. And then we would come out and be like a few more seconds there. I don't care, I just wanna get out of here. I understand, no no, I'm with you Drew, we're gonna save your kid, I'm just. Your kid is also in slow-mo. No, I just want you to know that we. I understand. No, I'm with you, Drew. We're gonna save your kid. Your kid is also in slow-mo. No, I just want you to know that we can. We have time to find a way to save him.

We're gonna do this, okay? So, if you got stuck in here by accident, how did you form all this computer stuff? This has always been here. This is a part of how we run the simulation. If we want to granularly adjust, this room is another stasis chamber. This is a chamber within a chamber. So we have much more precise control over the flow of our time versus the chamber that we're in. What would happen if you put a third chamber in this chamber? And is there an exit here?

So I was just getting to that. The only way to open the exit doors for safety reasons is from the control chamber outside. And I can see from this control panel that right now we are locked in here. So even if somebody was like, oh, I gotta go open the door, they move so slowly, they would die before they open the door. That does seem to be the situation that we're in. Okay, well that's not great. However, there is a way. Okay.

There are actually the swamp people in the Bigfoots, that's what I call them. I call them the swamp guys in the Bigfoots That's kind of just what I've been calling them. That's called whatever you want. That's the least offensive thing you've done Just so you can call them whatever you want. It's not gonna change your opinion of you They both weirdly have they've developed this obsession with the key and I don't know why director trout put the key in here He does weird shit in here on Sundays. He's got his own research going on. That's what I think anyway That's why he doesn't want anybody in here I just came in to sneak in to do some work He's got his own research going on, that's what I think anyway, that's why he doesn't want anybody in here. I just came in to sneak in to do some work, but it seems like he's running his own experiments off the company records.

You snuck in to do work? Why do you have to sneak in to do work? Well I had a lot of work to catch up on and this is a great place to catch up on it because you got a lot of time to do it. A Nazi's work is never done. Hey! Hey! Jenkins? Yes? You haven't answered the question about the third chamber. I don't, I think, I guess that would be crazy if someone did that.

Put that to file away for future expansion. Okay, that's a great idea. Would you, are you interested in joining Project Heartland? You seem like you've got a good mind on you. Eh, overtime pay seems a little bit shitty. Okay, never mind. So how can we get out of here? So, weirdly, both of these societies in their own goofy way, they're actually not that far off from

the truth, which is that at the top of this chamber is a flood hatch. That's how we flood the chamber. It connects to the Peachyville storm drain system. And at the start of every simulation it opens up and floods the area with water. So there really is a hole at the top of the sky and there really is a drain that corresponds to that hole way beneath the earth. We're in one of the simulations. Have you ever thought about that? Oh, so we're already in the third chamber inside the chamber. Where does the story of Noah came from? I've read stories about this. Don't think about it.

Noah came from, you guys, so he started flooding the chamber. They said, we can't do that. They stopped it, that's us. And then our society, good enough technology that we've made chambers in our thing, but we're still just in the same place at any second. Uh oh, she's chamber tripping, this happens to everyone the first time they go in the chamber. One of these assholes could just flood us at any second.

Oh my God. Yeah, but the very same thing you said about the time dilation means that won't happen for millions of years as far as we can tell. It kind of makes what we're doing seem not as bad, right? No, it makes it seem worse. Because it could be happening to us. No, that's not how Moran, because somebody does something to you, doesn't mean you failed kindergarten.

You're bad, Jenkins. How do we get to the sky? And Jenkins nods vigorously. That's the question. How do we get to the sky? Or how do we get to the bottom of the earth? Because that's where the drain that the flood water goes into goes to. Oh, top or bottom?

There's top or bottom. Do you want to be a top or do you want to be a bottom? That's the question I'm asking you. It feels like it's... I didn't see any... Simply bottom. Yeah, it feels like it's going to be easier to go down than fly. It does feel like they haven't figured out flight yet.

They haven't figured out flight, but it's way, way down there. They haven't figured out the kind of drilling you would need to either. I mean, it's a shovel. Neither of these civilizations... Is this a shovel? Neither of these civilizations, neither of these civilizations have really figured out how to reach the top or bottom of the chamber,

and they're not going to question Jenkins. Has it happened in the past? Again, it's happened in the past. Well, how did they get there? Once societies evolve. Yes, I get it. They figure out the rocket ships, they get to the.

Yes, yes. But that's my point right now. Every society eventually masters their environment enough to be able to dig and to be able to get up high. You said it's really far down. How far down is it? It's like... If we were to like dig like normal human beings and somehow make peace with both tribes and

have all of us dig together, how long would it take us to get to the thing? The problem isn't you're dealing with bedrock. You're dealing with... It's not just soil all the way down. You need heavy duty machinery. The type of stuff that... Maybe I have a mole that lets me fly. I press mole number two. Mole number two. Uh, mole number two...

Is that a number? You shit your pants. Oh. Nothing happened. Oh. You want to press another one then? No. I'm not going to press another one for a while. Why did he program you to shit?

We need to figure out either up or down. So yes, so yeah, the problem is they're not going to evolve this kind of technology for, it could be thousands of years. Yeah, we can't live that long, I get it. So what do you want us to do Jenkins? And he points you back to the control panel. He says that knob right there controls the time dilation in this chain, so we can fast-forward this we can fast-forward Thousands of years which but just fast forward

Sounds like someone needs to know where the facilities are maybe if you guys had it rushed me Maybe if you guys had it rushed me. I pistol with him. Ow, ow, ow, ow. No, no need to do that. I was just wondering where the bathroom is. It's that way. It's his mouth. Actually, we have words, Jenkins, where do you sleep?

Where do I sleep? Yeah, that's the bathroom. That's where the shit goes, baby. Or else it's barracks. You're all going to smell it if you go in the, whatever, go wherever you want. I don't care. I don't like you people.

All right, so if I crank this thing, the time will go forward So yes There's this knob and it controls the flow of time in this room versus the chamber that it's in and then there's also a clock To let you know like how many years and seconds are passing and at what rate you guys want to do a little test We can like make a sign that says like we're gods in here We need a big drill and then put it out front and then fast forward like a thousand Well, they don't understand English so you're gonna have to figure that out and then put it out front and then fast forward like a thousand years and see what happens. They don't understand English,

so you're gonna have to figure that out. Are you just giving problems or do you have a solution? You just throw out feedback. Also, you speak wah-wah-wah. That's true, I do speak wah-wah-wah, that's great. I can go out and tell them. What do you want me to tell them? No, I want you to write that we need a big drill.

Make a big drill and that will make us gods happy and we will give you bountiful food and whatnot. Kelsey? Yeah. He's not gonna write that. Hmm. It's probably true. We can do with pictograms. Oh yeah, pictograms. There we go. We figured out hieroglyphics. They'll be able to figure out the pictograms. Okay. So we draw that. We draw a cool picture of us inside here shaving two bits. We're gods that will shave your two bits if you don't give us a picture don't tell me don't drill us

Francis crosses all that out I like this draw me this image hey Francis you're gonna draw here I got a pen right here I don't think I've ever seen Anthony draw something I'm terrible at drawing I think you would probably be better no I wanna see it that's the one who's so keen on this pictograph idea. Anyway, here's my pen

No, I'm pleased that I was gonna have Jenkins right it that's true Well, he's doing that Kelsey writes the alphabet and then it starts writing as many words as possible and like basic ideas of grammar syntax She writes an encyclopedia Well, this is more about the language and then I throw throw it outside, and I fast forward 1,000 years. And I check it, and like, do people speak English now? Francis, we can just make them speak English. Here's an idea. Why are you starting drawing?

Well, I still did the fast for 1,000 years. All right, your thing makes sense to you. Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe it worked or not. If we go farther enough, they will develop usury. And as a result, interest-bearing accounts. So what we could do is eventually put our money in the interest-bearing accounts and become billionaires.

There's a commonality between all of your characters, aren't there, Frank? No, no, but I understand, but that's actually not a bad idea. But let's just do this first. Let's just check your... Why do you guys... I leave my head out I'm million. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no to help you with this? No, I don't even know Jenkins, fuck you. All right, it's just Jenkins knows their language

so it would probably be able to help you. Yeah, but I don't trust Jenkins. Okay, all right. Well, Francis is drawing. I will fast forward a thousand years. Keep going, Francis, you're doing a great job. I'm just doing this little test to see what's up. And I open the door and I lean out

and I just scream, I'm out of here. All right, you open the door. I'm out of here. You step outside. Is the book on? The first thing's first, it's the alphabet I put out, gone. So here. All right, you open the door. I'm out here. You step outside. Is the book on? The first thing's first, it's the alphabet I put out, God. So you just threw it onto the ground? Yeah, but I made it look pretty.

Like somebody would pick it up. Like if you saw it, it would pick it up. No one followed you here. No one goes into the mountains, as I explained, because it's spooky. So no, your book just eroded into dust. Did you look around and see what anything else that had happened in the civilization thousand years ago?

No, I went back. Francis, that was actually, that was useful because here's a little thing we gotta do. We gotta make sure whatever you draw, one, weatherproof, because mine just disappeared into dust. Oh, we'll make it into a paper airplane and throw it far away where somebody can reach it.

That's the second, maybe not paper tree, but the second thing you said is absolutely right. We should put it a little bit farther away than where we are now because it seems like even in a thousand years the way Came this way so Jenkins. I was wrong your whole Shaving haircut they did work in a thousand years nobody came up here Fuck me. I was wrong. I know I can't but when I was wrong as a pretty good plan How's the dry going Francis? Franz you really going all right actually oh Francis. We got That's a pretty good plan How's the drawing going, Francis? I think I'm doing it actually

Oh Francis, let's see what you got I'm now examining I think it's pretty good It's pretty good It's unfortunately pretty good I can't see Alright, I'll just show it to you guys and then pass it over to Beth and Beth will describe it

Pretty good! Thank. Pretty good! Thank you. Pretty good. Well, looking over your shoulder, Francis, I can see that... Hmm... Hmm... It's more for human audience, like I was thinking more about a human brain, you know, that's how my art connects with people, so...

Oh, I see, this is us! You are wearing a crown and your stick figure figure and there are two stick figures with long hair That's Kelsey and myself. I have your hair best, okay? How are they gonna know you're a girl if I don't give you long hair? That's fair and then Limited art skills two more state figures in a kitty stick figure, and it's right next to me Kelsey actually Kitty stick figures, and it's right next to me Box that we're in is glowing and then the people outside have shovels and they're going down down down to a big Smiley face in the ground and it's glowing and it's smiling.

I think this is perfect, Francis. Marvelous work. Now we just need to put this in the right hands. Stone, we'll put it on stone, I think. We should chisel it into stone. Okay. Yeah, Jenkins, it's good that you said okay, because that's gonna be your job.

So I'm gonna... Oh, me and... I'm gonna let it chisel or something. And we're gonna lead him outside. We will supervise. I'm feeling like a chisel or something. And we're gonna lead him outside. We will supervise. Yeah. The four of us will be supervisors.

We go until we can't hear the spooky sounds anymore. We go down into the mountain range essentially. We find a nice little piece of granite that's overlooking the valley. Cool, let's start chiseling. All right. And don't fuck it up. This is a great drawing, so replicate it. And it's been a thousand years, right? Yes as you emerge from the mountain you gaze out at what once was the peaceful Bronze Age Valley of this society and

Before you you see something completely different. Oh, it's La Cienega You see like a smog filled sprawling urban hellscape. You see like, if you knew what steampunk was, this would look extremely steampunk, like a futuristic Victorian world in front of you. This looks so cool, I might make it my entire personality. Trudy, I know you're married but have you considered multiple partners hey Francis I think you need to update the picture of the shovel you see

like zeppelins in the sky floating around well let's just get on a zeppelin and go up to the sea zeppelin floating around floating around in the sky. You see trolleys zipping that way and that there's sparks of electricity that seem to be flowing through this entire landscape. And you remember that before you got into this time dilation chamber, you gave one item to Scarlet Fury Fiasco, the leader of this tribe, you gave her the MeeGo electric. And it would appear that they've spent

a thousand years studying it. The big foots of the planes and the planes are planes no more. As you peer out into the city, you not only see that they have taken over this entire region, but they seem to have captured the swamp people, the ones who wanted to dig down into the earth

to begin with. Like you see these big green creature from the Black Lagoon kind of looking guys being ruled over as a sort of Proletarian underclass in this crazy metropolis has world Let's go on that let's just go buy a zeppelin ticket as you gaze out at this world Two bigfoots in like clockwork armor are on patrol and then they spot you and say I say it's me, your god! They fire a laser right in my face.

Goddamnit! I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies Twisted in my mind and now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Thank you so much for listening, but guess what? It's that time of year again. Black Friday Deals. We should call it Black Friday Steals, because that's how how great these deals are it's like you're stealing from us you can get up to 50% off mystery items there's restocks of fan favorites like the

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five bucks a month directly on patreon at patreon.com such Dungeons and Dads you find merch and more at dungeonsanddaddies.com and act now cuz Black Friday sales are going soon and our next episode is coming at you December 17th we'll see you then. But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams And making them scars Too far, too far away

But I'll stay Today Well yeah, you don't want to have sex on your period. I Know yeah, you don't want to have sex on your period Personally don't Know why that's like a test match me you I was like was Anthony I've done period sex is it's fine. Real gangsters run red lights. What?

What?