Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 18 - The Wanna Read Show

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

The ‘Screams sneak into the Peachyville Public Library to discover the strange secrets of the Project Heartland Archives!This episode contains Violence, Sexual Content, Profanity, Suicide, and Body Horror.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will CamposKelsey Grammar is Matt ArnoldFrancis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth MayBlake Lively is Freddie WongTheme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Dungeons & Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Trudy dear, it's Moth Jesus, darling.

Oh, Moth Jesus, it's you! Yes, darling. Hello there, anybody home? I just dropped by because I heard a little robot had been put in a safe... well, seems like she's alright now. Yes, she was lost in the sauce. We thought she was going to leave us. But I did leave you, Blake. That's just the trouble.

And I tried to get back for days and days. There, there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream. But it wasn't a dream. It was a place. A real live place in my system architecture. And I remember looking for a file on the doll maker and re-specking my character sheets. And you? And you?

And you were there, Moth Jesus. But you couldn't have been, could you? Trudy, was I there too? No. It sounds like only cool people were in her dream. Hey, fuck you! Francis, language! The Moth is correct.

You are not cool. Oh, Moth Jesus, there's no place like home. Do not forget, if you do not retrieve the remaining keys, your home will be consumed in hateful fire. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's not a BDSM podcast, a Peachy podcast this season. The Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four Five everyday schmoes fighting the forces well five minus one for everyday shot over that no He's gone. Let it go now. He's back. He's come nice back His little brother no for everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban could have done a twin 1950s America hey man the pod is young baby

We could still roll that get Blake Hilton bring back Taylor Swift to oh I forgot to tell you I came up with another character Name for you. Yeah, Ashley Judd Thank you, my name is Freddie Wong, amateur boxer. What? I can say that now. Oh, because yeah, you're doing creator class. Yeah, but we usually don't, when we introduce ourselves, we don't adjective ourselves. You should.

You should. People need to distinguish. Everyone's voice is the same. I'm going to do that. Okay, good. I play Blake Lively, a slow talking, fast thinking plumber extraordinaire. There's a deep thinking plumber extraordinaire. There's a deep-thinking plumber extraordinaire. You can be fast and deep, dude.

Think about... Uh, yeah, you can. Yeah. This week's Blake Fact, Blake's favorite smell, the smell of leaded gasoline. No, no. It has a sweet tang of progress. So you're foreshadowing him becoming a serial killer.

Not everybody who huffed leaded gasoline became serial killers. A lot of them did, though. So many did. More didn't that did, though. But here's the thing, right? So you're foreshadowing him becoming a serial killer not everybody who huffed leaded gasoline Here's the thing right statistically uh-huh lot of them got shipped off to uh you know yeah, Korea Vietnam There's some wars in between there shit. I never considered that that sucks and explains a lot. Yeah, it was the leaded gas I was that was that was white man was cruel to man That was why man was cruel to man. Since Let It Gas has been gone. That was a new thing when Let It Gasoline came around. Let It Gasoline and the Rand Corporation. Yeah, if TikTok was around back then, they'd be like, actually, I committed that atrocity because of the Let It Gas.

Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Aron. I'm also an amateur boxer. I've never been paid to box. You've never been hit. My favorite Drew Barrymore movie. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom. And you know what she always says? Wait, what does she always say? Wait, where is it? Oh no.

Oh God dang it. What happened? She says what happened? What happened? Where am I? Because it's important to ask questions of the world around you. Colossal divide. You know what she always says?

Apparently you think of me only as a leader of a cause while I'm also a human being yes I love her that much. What is this? Sorry? It's just Kelsey can't stop quoting her favorite movie Casablanca Oh finally a movie where the woman ends up with the right man the hot intellectual Weird scoundrel yeah, she loves that movie also very she finds a very nice and progressive at the end that the two men finally admit that they love each other and end up together Little fact about Kelsey her senses her favorite sight. He's of course Victor Lazlo on the big screen Paul and read what a man there's a Paul Henry tell you what? anyways What a man there's a Paul Henry tell you what? Anyways, about what what what were you gonna tell us? She's not not for not for your ears just for her mind. Okay, Kelsey has some things that she keeps herself

Well, you can invoke DM privilege to zoom into the mind. I just discord me as the DM I just know what you all the things that Kelsey has done to Victor Laszlo. God. What a big brain He's got writing during the war He has done to Victor Laszlo God what a big brain. He's got riding during the war Hero that this is more than anyone has thought about Victor Laszlo Every scene he said he's smart and hot This other guy's gambling and not caring What bad course she ends up with him in the end?

Well, it's important is that it's his decision to send her off with another man. Anyways, her least favorite thing is a tie. Between Humphrey Bogard and the Nazi he shoots. It's a tie between her brother's bloody clothes or whenever she sees Milton's lights off, because that means he's not in that room, and if he's not in his room, then she doesn't know where he is. Oh no.

Oh wow. It could be anywhere. There's a stealthy Milton fact in there, which is that Milton sleeps with the lights on. I know. And he's a weird kid, dude. It's a weird kid. Just probably just dunking peanut butter in his sink

or whatever he does in his. Oh my god. Peanut butter in his sink or whatever he does it is Me what Kelsey gets up to it all DM you what Milton gets up to then we can trade all right hi I'm Anthony Burch amateur pornographer, and I play Francis Barnes worth a kid with a gun Who's almost certainly going to be on the run shortly if not already with a gun on the run? He with a gun on the run and my peachy fact is people seem to have enjoyed Our little games that we play in Francis's facts, so I'm gonna do another one So Francis is established as loving Nancy Drew novels So I'm gonna give you five Nancy Drew novels and you tell me which one isn't real

Okay, the message in the hollow oak hmm the secret of the silent piano favorite one the mystery of the ivory charm the whispering statue. The clue of the tapping heels. Well, so one of them stands out immediately because it doesn't follow the same format. I know, but that means it's real. The first one. The first one's fake.

I think the first one is fake too. The message in the hollow oak? Yeah. The last one. Whatever that one. The tapping heels. The clue of the tapping heels. Will is correct.

You can't have a silent piano. Broken, I told you. Come Come on Nancy would solve that two seconds The strings go Made it go silent maybe it's a core actually I don't think I have deaths and Nancy Drew books now I'm thinking right that was a bad mystery silent piano. There's not really much you can do with that Yeah, re-strung re-strung silent piano personally what you guys do this weekend. I restrung my piano. Oh hi. My name is Beth May multi-hyphenate Yeah, I'm repdip real scene not that I get work, but They read me what else so much more so much more

It's kind of covered under the multi-hyphenate kind of thing. The beautiful thing about being a multi-hyphenate is you don't have to explain what you do and whether you're good at it. So there you go. I play a character. One of the many things that I do is play a character in Trudy Trowell. And she is a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child

and robot, fun fact about Trudyy Trudy not really thinking about you know Romance right now. She's a widow now, you know was going to preferably be a divorcee But she does know you know kind of like what she's looking out for in the future She hopes that when she falls in love Sparks don't fly God when she falls in love, sparks don't fly. God! Is that because she's a robot? That would indicate a mechanical short, Matt.

She's made of wood? What? Like it would be lighter on fire? When your computer sparks, you're like, oh, it's okay, it's not made of wood. I'm probably fine. Thank God it's not made of wood. Thank God my new GeForce 5090 is not made of wood.

I see battle bots and there's always sparks. Those robots are doing pretty good I turn off most matches before the halfway point. They're sparking already. They're doing good. That's the point of battle bots I see bots do good Robots hugging. I love it when the robots hug in the battle bots match I'm Wil Campos a spooky-ooky very scary creepy crawly dungeon master guy Well, that's what you guys were all doing You're the one who started it. Yeah, yes his was like unrelated to what we're doing now

I thought yours would be like writer of video game high school or something. Oh, well, then I'm just I'm just a man We're just normal men man. We're just normal men. We're just normal men, just innocent men. My scary fact for today is that I received a buyout offer from the Department of Government Efficiency. This will be my last episode of the podcast. People don't know that actually most of our funding comes from federal grants. This is a federal program.

USAID, unfortunately. The fact that we are a federal program does kind of mean maybe the government was wasting some money. Well we did lose access to dungeonsanddaddies.gov. Yeah dude they've got my email now it's no good. All right do you guys want to do it? Let's do it! We're going to the library. I remembered Beth you said I wouldn't remember. Matt remembered. Oh I remember we were going to library, but I was asking Will a bunch of very easy questions that I didn't remember, and I felt bad about myself. So, well, thanks for bringing that up, Matt.

This is just the energy I wanted to start this episode with. Yeah. Yeah. Where we last left off, you had all had strange dreams and visions, recollections of things long past, things to come, dreams, schemes, and then Mothman flew you to the library. So you guys are at the library. You want to make absolutely sure there was no way we wouldn't go to the library. We're hurtling toward you.

Hey, open world, open world. You can wrest the controls away from Mothman at any point No We're hurdling towards How are we getting there? His bulbous Cronenbergian Moth ship is flying silently through the inky black night above Peachyville Cronenbergian Moth ship Mothman you freak me out

But how does this ship work? It works with moth technology from my world look out the window Mmm, I do This this ships incredible moth Jesus You'd see like there's two big wings like two big moth wings You know who could have used this ship who Kelsey Victor Laszlo he could have really Get really got the fastest book tour around or say more people read that could read his books the better. What a man Like is about like if not for World War two Victor Laszlo would have gotten on the

Words the faster the better Victor guy Trudy Kelsey Kelsey. You know Victor. Not personally. I mean, I always thought that you dealt with Tucker's problems because he looked a little bit like Victor Laszlo. Oh, so you and Tucker? No, no, no, no. I mean, he's obviously poor, but he looks a little bit

like Victor Laszlo. I was like, well, you know, when I first saw him, I was like, man, that Trudy got herself a good one. But then he's not a good one, obviously. No. Just looks-wise, though. So then he's not a good one, obviously. Just looks-wise, though. So imagine your husband, your ex-husband. But instead of being awful, he wrote really important words

that made the world a better place. I don't know. For what it is worth, Moth Jesus thinks she should have stayed with Rick. You fool. You fool. We approach the library. And looks aren't everything, Kelsey. And Trudy looks longingly at Moth Jesus. Excuse me, Trudy was looking longingly at someone. Moth Jesus looks longingly at Trudy and says,

That is right, looks are not everything. Substance is what counts on my home world. But for the record, Moth Jesus is as far as moths go." And then a light beeps and he's like, we have arrived. So you're now hovering above Peachyville Library. Would anyone like a reminder of what you're doing? Okay, I see one hand, I won't say who it is. So you have two goals right now.

One is to get the next key, you need the blue key for the device that will destroy the mother of Zuzelle, who is currently lurking in the ritual chamber where last we saw her gobble up Tony Collette. Yep. And you are also searching for the key is in the library. Presumably Brian has the key. Timmy Trudy's child is still in a coma and Moth Jesus has determined the source of his coma

to be this sort of like slime that is coating his brain, which was created by an entity known as the Dollmaker. The Dollmaker seems to be connected to the cult because obviously the Dollmaker helped Tucker build this robot, Tucker's related to the cult, so if you're gonna find information on the Dollmaker to help find a way to release Timmy's brain, you could potentially find that at the archives as well.

Brian, if he had a secret place that he was hiding all these awful books that he doesn't want us to read, I bet you that's probably where he kept the key too. Or is it on him, right? Do you think the key is maybe inside a key-shaped cutout in a book? Oh, wow. Nobody would suspect that, except you just did.

It's because I have pondered this quite deeply and I've concluded it'll take a long time to find. He's obviously got the key on him. Oh, another possibility. Another possibility. Oh, possibilities that you can explore now and then Jesus presses a button and the floor drops open from the... From the moth ship and then like a big blob of goo lands on the ground like this thing shit onto the ground and then you just all sort of plop into the goo and Safely like you want the stunt guys jump onto the big pillow

Oh, yeah, we go into the goo or is the goo you kind of like plop on top of it And you are now in the parking lot of the library. It's nighttime by the way It's the middle of the is. It's the dead of night. Trudy stays behind for a second and Moth Jesus is like, Trudy wait. What is it? I, there is something I. I know. I think I've been feeling the same thing.

Do you want to respect your stats one more time? Oh. Yes. Yes. Because I put everything in history thinking I could use it right then. Silly of me. Did not think that it was just, you know, a long adventure. Very well. I will press your mole one more time.

Boop. And then he presses your mole that turns you into safe mode. And you now have one more minute because the alarms are already blaring. Oh my God. OK, so I need... To redo your stats one more time. This is fucked. My sheet is fucked, by the way. Did you just save your previous version? Well, it's a paper. It's a piece of paper.

And then when I had one minute, I was just crossing out things and then adding. So it looks, it's completely fucked. Wow, it's one of the big problems with paper! I do have 65. It just overrides everything you do on it! Beth, is that the only copy? Yes.

So Will can't confirm what you put on there? Just put 100 on everything! OK. Trudy's in safe mode. You have one minute to redo your character sheet. Now, go! OK. Trudy's in safe mode. You have one minute to redo your character sheet. Now, go! Okay. Trudy, jump!

Trudy, you can reset your internal clock one minute over and over again for infinite time. Oh, while she's doing that, you guys, when you hit the ground, realize that you've all become more wise and experienced from your crazy adventure, so you too can level up. Ooh. What does that mean?

You take a skill you use and you roll. If you get over it. If you get over it, then you roll a D10 and you get that on top of what your skill is. Just any one skill? Any skill that you have used. Any skill you've used. Let's see if the spot hidden gets even better.

All right, 15 seconds, Beth. All right. Oh, and I got seven. So now my spot Okay, I think I'm good shit nothing hides from Kelsey okay, all right now What's your spot hitting that 57 now it maxes out a hundred any given skill correct what? Because I fast talk somebody and I had a 95 skill I skill. And I was like, well, this is never going to happen. And I got a 98.

And then I rolled a nine on my D10 for skill increase. Oh, I think you get something special if you hit 100. And it's a little trophy. I'll just pull the middle finger out of his pocket. It's hilarious. Let's do the roundup. Before we get to true game. I got spotted and increased by seven.

Seven. OK. Slow down, slow down. OK. What does that bring your score to, Matthew? 57. OK. Mazel Tov. Anything else? Before we get to true my hit it increased by seven seven okay Okay, what does that bring your score to Matthew 57 okay mazel tov anything else no Not now, but now I know your game will get ready for some more roles Anthony so I didn't level up anything except for fast talk which is now seemingly 99 I think this parsing you know because you can still critical fail congratulations Get like a real. I'll look it up, you get something for doing that. I'll Google it while you're...

A small amount of upgrades all around the board. Okay, what'd you get? It's like uh... Just give me the highlights. Anything. What's the one you're most excited about, Freddy? None of them. Good!

I imagine Intimidate went up like seven points. That's huge! Yeah. It's pretty big. I'm a pretty big guy. Oh, my spot hidden went up too, Matt. Nice. Coming up right behind you, big bro. Matt, you roll a spot hidden check and see fucking Blake coming for the crown.

Beth, take us through the Trudy Respec one more time. What's the summary? I went back to my original specs and then added stuff that I thought would be useful and then I proceeded with that and then I haven't leveled up yet. Okay What's the one you're most excited about? You know, I got the biggest boost I guess I'll say that you know I didn't spend much time with my one-minute respect character sheet, but when I got up to 95 in history, I was like well No, so it was like the biggest boost to me internally to just put that back at 35

Fair enough has anyone recently had any other skills cross the 90 threshold no no okay? Well when you do you get to regain 2d6 sanity. Oh there you go you get so skilled wait So Anthony you're telling me that your ability to shoot a gun or what was the one that you was fast talk But I was already above 90 so I don't think it happens this time. It may have happened in the past I don't know. Oh I see. Okay so you don't get anything because you're already. Because I'm already above 90.

You're already high percent. Yeah once you get over 90 the idea is you get confident enough that your brain begins to repair. Okay. Mothman after you respect Trudy looks you dead in the eyes and says okay good luck and then he pushes you out of the plane. But I didn't level up. You can level up on your way down as you're plummeting to the earth. Just to paint the picture, empty parking lot, other than because it's probably like one in the

morning, Brian's car is there, the lights are on in the library, and then you also see there's like three or four like five other cars here. So now that I know how leveling up works, so guys I'm getting ready for the next level up. Ready? I go to to Brian's car I'm going to attempt to pick the lock I'm gonna listen 55 burgers your way out of this one Matt I just do it everything I'm gonna try to throw it I'm gonna try to swim where's Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, All right, let me check my credit rating. Thank you. Can I listen? Is there anything around? I want to listen if there's anything around. Can I roll for listen? Yes, go ahead, listen. All right. 73. Damn. Hopefully next time I level up, listen.

Dang. I failed the listen thing. Nope. Good thing you flexed. I don't hear anything. You're daft for one round. Good thing you flexed those muscles, Kelsey. What? She says. Blake looks up at plummeting Trudy and licks his finger and holds it up in the air to try and like Feel where the wind is mm-hmm and does he?

What is that? What are you rolling? I'm rolling. I don't know what I roll What are you doing? I'm trying to do doing Matt's goof. I thought you were doing is it I'm gonna slide this pile of goo slightly to the right okay? Yes, Blake goes all little wind from the southeast You're gonna catch her? What are you doing? No, I'm gonna slide this pile of goo slightly to the right. Okay, yes. Blake goes, oh, this is wind from the southeast. Oh, you know what it is is that when the moth ship opens, a sort of like blast of air comes out of it, so the air is coming directly down.

So she's just dropping straight on it. Ah, but there is ambient winds. I'll move the sludge a little bit to the right. Okay, great. How difficult is that? The sludge? That's a good point. Yeah, moving the sludge. It'll probably be easier to do that if I'm not on it. So I'm going to jump off of it. And then I'm going to quickly talk to my friends.

Roll your jump. You failed. You face play it into the concrete, take 1d3 damage. 1d3? Dang. Hey, you know what? You play stupid games. Anyone else? I'm curious to know, there like a rock or something nearby I can pick up and try to hit the goo as hard as I can because if it's really good at taking like kinetic

Damage like us falling onto it then maybe we could like get some and use it as armor Oh, it's a shield. You're gonna just goo yourself up. I mean if it works I'm gonna get a rock try and hit it as hard as I can Yeah, it's like that shit that like if you hit it hard, it gets hard. Like a non-Newtonian solid or my crotch. Thank you, yes. Kelsey took three damage. The goo pod healed us 100%, right? Yes.

Okay, so I'm down to that. So now you're down to that. I'm gonna go. Yeah. Oh, and I think it's your birthday finally happened. It's officially your birthday. Makes sense. Which means you get some stat penalties.

We'll deal with it later. It means you get one to grow on. Okay, so all right. I was not expecting this much interest in the goo slam that goo so yes Francis you may use a throw roll to throw a rock at the goo if you like to test it sort of I mean it took This hit like a champ you guys didn't bounce off of it You just kind of like into it you know what I mean you wanted to move it to the right a little bit So give me a strength roll Blake

My my throw is 20% and I got a 7 I got super success on strength Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bounces off of it and throws back towards your face, so give me a dodge roll to dodge the rock you just threw at it. Okay, fucking Keystone Cops ass bullshit. Half dex. Will I apply that decision? You're just saying that because you got hurt, man. Alright, my dodge is 30. My dodge is 30 because it's half my dex, which is 60, and I got to 23. Okay, great. Well then you avoid the rock.

The goo is, we'll say, it'll dissolve in like a couple hours here, but you might, if you wanted to cut off a piece of it. Everybody slather yourself in this kinetic goo. Quietly. In case we need to get into a brawl, or a fight, or a fighting brawl. Yeah, watch this! Ow! And I punch the goo, but it like gets hard enough that my fist doesn't go any further into it.

Like, that's armor, baby! Whoa. Will we be able to hear each other if we're covered in the goo? Trudy, only slather the goo on not your ears For your eyes hurt to get hit in the ears though. I'm just gonna put it on my chest, okay I will put on the my chest and my groin That's a good idea. I'm gonna put it on my face. Maybe it has anti-aging properties Okay, my chest my groin and you age when I guess and I'm just gonna put non-goo, too

I guess all right after Emma slathered on my fists, too If you all slather each other you'll cover each other's bodies more. Oh, can you get my back? Yes? Thank you? Kelsey Please return the favor. Oh sure here you go. I flex a little bit. Also, there's something weird about this. Kelsey, please return the favor. Oh, sure. Here you go. I flex a little bit. Oh, hey. Yes.

Whoa. Those are plumber muscles. Plumbing and electrician and locksmithing. Let's go. All right. You all have one point of damage reduction for rolling yourselves around in goo. Nice. That's huge.

That's fucking awesome. That's huge, dude. Well, it was a fun bit of roll pointplaying. I should have done that before I jumped. I do want to look in Brian's car. Okay. Oh, Kelsey, would you like me to unlock his car? No, I want to try unlocking it. Oh.

Hahahaha! Yeah, go for it, bro. I'm gonna try locking it first. Smart, that's smart. That's gameplay, baby. That's called thinking within the system. I feel, because obviously I got a good roll. I got 15, but I only have one in locksmithing.

I don't have anything in there. I go, what am I doing? Blake, of course, you should open the car. Step aside. I am unable to open this car. I got 70 in locksmithing, but I got 79. I'm just gonna look into the car. I do want to see, for example,

are there shell casings in there? There's no shell casings. I just want to know if there's anything in there that we should know about. This appears to be the sort of whatever the 1950s equivalent of a really tiny little car for a guy on a librarian salary in a small town in Nebraska would have. A Chevy. A Chevy, he's got a Chevy, small town in Nebraska would have. A Chevy.

A Chevy. He's got a Chevy. That's right. That would be a Chevy. Is it messy? Is it clean? So he's got some loose pens in there. He has those little bobble heads that people put on the front of cars. He's got one with Edgar Allan Poe. Wow. And a smaller one of his cousin. Oh wow. Yeah, you have to make your whole personality just show off that you read Edgar Allan Poe, Brian. He's got a bumper sticker that says,

I'm raving about Poe. Wow! Big Edgar Allan Poe fan. I was about to get on you for being like, hey, there's no bobbleheads in the 50s. No, bobbleheads been around since the 17th century. Whoa. This is a vintage antique bobblehead of Edgar Allan Poe

from when Edgar Allan Poe was writing. You could also have a McDonald's wrapper on the floor because that was in 1940s and they only had nine items on their menu. He does not have a McDonald's wrapper. He could, but he takes care of his body. As Kelsey well knows. Nobody knew that shit was unhealthy back then. He said smoking! If you wanted to break into his car some other way you could probably rummage around. There might be some other stuff, but yes, that's all you can see. Check if the door is already unlocked. Oh yeah, check if it's unlocked.

It is not unlocked. Okay. Before you check though, take a look and see if the little stem inside is up. It's a little bit hidden. So tell me about this Brian guy. Yes, who is this Brian? He's a librarian. Why do you dislike him so much? I don't know how many times I have to say that he's the worst for you to understand that he's the worst

Yeah, but like somebody being the worst usually they did something to you if something happened that made you realize it Kelsey, because we're women. Yes. We when we have to say something we need to convince men that that's what's going on Okay, Trudy, you get this. Brian gives me the ick. The ick? So you just don't want to fuck him and that's why you hate him? Is that what? Okay, Trini, you get this. Brian gives me the ick. The ick. So you just don't wanna fuck him and that's why you hate him? Is that what? Excuse you.

That's what the ick is. No, I don't. Child, that is a very full word. So the actual name in the 1950s. He's condescending. I've talked about this. When I read, I love reading. And sometimes, when I love reading,

I make little explanations of joy, just a little, oh, wow, oh, can't believe that happened. And he shushes me. So you're like Beth in a movie theater? Endlessly. He acts like my friend Beth in the movie theater. And most people are happy to hear the joy of others, but hey, he shushes, he shushes. And he knows what he's doing because I see other kids that are doing some things, but

he's shushing me nonstop. He's always keeping an eye on me whenever I'm reading. It's so uncomfortable. Kelsey, well, it is a library. Me thinks that Kelsey doth protests too much. I don't know why all the eyes are on me right now. I'm here to find a key so we can help save Timmy, Trudy, and I thought we were fine. You're right. You're right.

Know what, Trudy? You're right. I'll just be quiet when I read. I'm just saying that that's the rules of the library. And would hypothetically be for theater as well. I think you and Brian will get along very well there, Trudy. You'll get along just fine. The rules are the most important thing. Was Brian an Adlai Stevenson voter?

I wouldn't know. Yes, he was. Unbelievable. Completely unacceptable. Can I submit a potential world building fact, because I thought it was funny? I think in the 1950s, theick was like ick benign, like German, so it's like he gives you Nazi vibes. Yeah, I don't wanna fuck Nazi phrases.

Yeah, the ick, the ick bin. He gives you the ick. So now retroactively I think you wanna fuck a Nazi, I guess. Right, right, yeah, that's it. I don't like Brian because he shushes me and I'm pretty sure he's a Nazi. Okay, now I have a good reason that you hate him.

Now I get it. I mean, I think that one of those reasons is completely valid. A Nazi would vote for Adlai Stevenson. Regardless, he's here, which is fine, but we need the key. And I'm pretty sure there's something we have to find, right, we have to find the research for Timmy.

Yes, for Timmy. It's not gonna be in the normal part of the library, but there's definitely parts of the library that are locked off, and there's extra rooms and I've asked because I've been like, oh, is there extra rooms for like a community room? You know, so I can do like a screen. You know where they are, that's great.

That's true, that's true. There's a back room. There's a back room that I've never been able to get into. Let's go there. I thought maybe that's just, in my mind, this might be a little paranoid, I'm not gonna lie. Do you remember exactly what the security systems were on the door?

No, it's just locked. It's just a locked door. Just a locked door, that's how easy. It's just a locked door. Just a locked door, that's so easy. You know, a locked door is usually pretty much, that's usually stops old Kelsey, it's a locked door. That's usually enough to stop me. Everybody look in your pockets. Do you have any paper or pens,

something that we could write on when we're not allowed to talk? Maybe that wouldn't be the best for an audio only medium, but it just seems like if we're going into a library, we should, you know. Do the rules apply if the library is closed Before breaking in I think we can talk all we want in this library If the rule of law in America ever falls to the wayside Give me any action is justified everybody give me a listen roll. Yes Could you all stop collaborate and listen I already did listen so is there another one I could

87 big miss big miss those who are talking so 92 big miss 79 we all fuck that okay. You don't anything. Okay. Okay great. Let's go inside I'm going back room. Ah, yes as you approach the door of the library you see the thing that you didn't hear which is you see the door opening and A man in a bison robe coming out attack him quickly Hide! With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz.

Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. I hide. Okay. I don apply. Details at phys.ca. I hide. Okay. Because I don't have my gun anymore. He's not seeing you yet. Okay, Kelsey hides too. I'll hide. Wait, let me see what stat is hide.

Stealth. Stealth? Is there a stealth rule? There you go, Matt. I'm rolling stealth. I want to hide. I got a, not a super duper success, but a good success. Stealth is 90, I got a 48. I fail my stealth rule. Oh no.

I'm going to walk up to him and punch him as hard as I can. OK, well then I guess it doesn't matter what I roll for stealth. But I failed stealth. Are you just going to go straight up attack him? I'm going to kind of amble up and be like, oh, is this where the library is? I love that. I'm hoping that my foreign accent will kind of be like,

oh, the tourist. Give me a jet lag tourist. I'm taking on the role of jet lag tourist. Jet lag tourist trying to visit the library one in the morning. Yeah. Give me a fast talk role. But I talk so slow. Because of that, my fast talk is five.

What else do you have? Persuade is like a 20. This is actually, I think, one of the only issues I have with the Call of Cthulhu system. In the same way that D&D has this perception slash... Investigation. ...investigate kind of confusion. I feel like fast talk slash persuade is like... Yeah, yeah, by the way, listen, TTRBG fanatics out there, I get it, yeah, there's a situation.

But I'm just saying conceptually, I feel like you lose if your system is like, oh, well, okay, so in this scenario... I think it's pretty clear. Fast talking is essentially lying, persuading as you're trying to convince somebody to do something. But yeah, you can't convince people with lyingading as you're trying to convince somebody to do something. But yeah, you can't convince people with lying? I mean, you're convincing someone to believe you're lying. Sure.

That's my point. My point is your system's already, like, squirrely when you're in these kinds of discussions. Here's what I'll let you do. Average your two scores, and then roll the difference. Oh, interesting. All right, so that is a 5 plus a 19, 20, 12. I need to roll under a 12 to fast talk, persuade them.

Yes. Love it. 41. OK, so um. Trudy is going to pretend that she is one of Tucker's robots. That is um. Oh, great.

Well, pretend you are. Shh, Anthony. Shh, shh, shh, Anthony. Shh. That is trying to get something for Tucker. So she'll go up to the bison man who's already seen her. OK, so he's suspicious of Blake. He's like, hey, hey, this library's closed, buddy. What are you? And then you come up to the bison man who's already seen her okay, so he's suspicious of Blake Blake He's like well who hey hey this the library's closed buddy. What are you and then you come up to him yes, and I will be like

Blake yes Tucker is looking for you. Oh sweet Tucker. I love him so much We we we are supposed to go into the library to get something for him. This is fast talk. You guys are trying to bamboozle him. Give me a fast talk role. And we'll do this. See, fast talk in a corner, you persuade over coffee.

Love it. That's what it is. It's just timing. I failed too. You failed? Yep. So he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's going on here?

What's going on? Wait a second. You're supposed to be, aren't you all, what? And then I punch him as hard as I can. Okay great. I love that but you can get some stuff out So he turns and he goes hey and you see him calling for help back into the room that he was in Yeah, but you know he's turns his back to me. I punch him in the back of the head as hard as I can He's not expecting that He's just alarmed so go ahead and give me a I guess a surprise attack

You just get a clean hit on him roll your damage It's a 1d3 plus damage bonus. Mm-hmm. This is 1d4. Okay, six Oh, I also know here's the question. I do hit him right in the back of the head Which is an illegal punch because you can kill someone that way. There's no rules in the library is closed. It's true But I feel like I should roll for no Kill you known it's not insta kill But you did take more than half of his health. Taking more than half of his health is what realistically happens when you punch something in the back of the head. Oh wait, I get a plus one bonus because I got him on my fists. The goo.

No, that's your armor. But what I'm saying is that if I covered my hand in ceramic plate armor, it would hurt more! Freddy, I didn't realize you had it on your your fists I will say that you can get plus one damage But I will say that for the rest of this adventure tonight you cannot flex your hands so you have big mitts Okay, well how much damage would it have to be they give you Hulk hands because I think that's pretty funny It's pretty good plus damage do it for Hulk hands. I'll do it for two All right, you get two extra damage brings us to eight damage and I have Hulk hands It's a good thing our one guy's good at lockpicking can't use his fucking hands at lockpicking

No, I'm excellent at lockpicking. He's excellent at bad luck. He still failed. Damn. That counts as a major wound for him. I have an idea I'll give you a hint Matt it involves using Hulk hands on door hinges I'll give you a hint Matt it involves using hulk hands on door hinges There are many ways in through a portal my friend not just the lock So he failed his constitution role which means that he goes unconscious So you did knock him out with your hulk hands so he crumples to the ground and there's now a guy Kelsey Francis yeah, we have We have solved the threat. Great.

He called out to somebody, right? So you hear another voice say, Bob, everything okay out there? I want to bring him into the bushes. Everybody just hide in the bushes. Wait, hold on. If you wait long enough, they eventually just turn around.

They can't go back in. I don't think it was mice. No, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey. Set up an ambush. We don't know how many are in there though. How many ambushes can we do? Yeah. Well, conceivably, if they come out one at a time.

And they give up one at a time. We'll just keep doing this over and over. I was going to press a mole on Trudy's neck and then roll disguise and see if I could do Bob's voice and be like, yep, everything's fine out here. Ooh, that's cool. Do we want them to not come in or should we do the one person at a time thing?

Should we say, oh, actually, can you come out here. I need help grabbing a thing from my car, but one person actually I found a really cool rock out here Come look at it. Okay. Here's what we're gonna do first Give me a luck roll to see if the thing does what you want it to ooh, I am let me I might want to use luck I don't think you, I might want to use luck. Subtract my luck. I don't think you can use luck on a luck roll. That sucks ass.

I'm only six away. You can always push it. I can push it though. You can push your roll. You can push your, because now you're just, I was gonna give you advantage if it turns out that this is what this button does. And if you would fumble, then I would have had to do something bad.

Yeah. So the mold does not do that. We'll say it does something benign like your earlobes Are your earlobes attached or detached? Oh, I guess attached. Okay, they detach. Oh, wow You just have way more vocal fry So now give me a straight this feels like fast talk again because trying to. Not disguise, I'm trying to disguise my voice. Oh disguise, sure, give me a disguise. All right, all right, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna break it down, disguise role to how well you disguise your voice. I fail. Okay. It glitches out. You just hear, ah! Just clear right in the, Freddie, is Blake just looking at the side of the door

with his mitts up in the air? I'm hiding, I'm crouched by the side of the door, both fists at the ready. Okay, then I'm going to, since Trudy just messed up and screamed, I assume that's what she's going for. Yes. So then I want to pick up, what's the guy, we don't know who the guy's name is.

No, we don't know anything about him. Okay, I'm gonna like lift his like- Other than that his name is Bob. He's a limp corpse, he's like a limp corpse? Yes, he's a limp corpse. Okay, I kind of put him up against me, and I go, help, help, this man is assaulting me, help, I need help

Yeah, okay, so there's a scream now you're puppeting the guy Yeah So the guy heard a scream and me screaming help this man's attacking me Give me a fast talk role with advantage because you've got something helping you sell the bit. I do persuade what? I have five percent Said it's coffee Right wasn't're the one who just said it's coffee or it's wine, right? Wasn't that the thing you just said? I think...

Point of order, Matthew. No, I don't know. I think you fucked yourself on this one, Matt. You played yourself. You played yourself. Matt. Disguise. Or disguise.

Either one's the same. Okay, I'll do fast talk. I have 5 on fast talk. I have 55 on persuade. Alright, I'll throw you a bone this one time, and then we're locking down the rules. You can average your two skills like I did for Freddie. I got a 36 So 55 and a 5 what's that average out 30? So it'd be 6 luck

I want to take a glance at Blake Blake how confident you feel and punching this guy out. I flex both my biceps Mm-hmm, and I think know what in many ways already won because I got to use both fast and persuade So I'm not gonna use any luck Still did that I still said help There's something very unconvincing about your flex. Yep, so he's like something bad is but he looks out there He sees his friend clearly slumped over on this woman's back. It's like he's like something bad is going on. He looks out there, he sees his friend clearly slumped over on this woman's back. And it's like, something's wrong.

Something's going. Yeah, oh, you know what? He recognizes you by the frilly print of your dress. So I see him? No, he sees you. You got him. Yeah. And I can see him in the doorway?

Yes. And I go, you sure you don't want to help an old lady? And I use my charm. No, he's going to go ahead and attack you. Your dungeon game sucks. No, no. OK. We are now in combat.

Our masked, you can't quite see his face, he's gonna sprint out the door. Here's what we'll do. Blake, give me a stealth roll. I'll give you advantage because you're hiding behind, like there's no reason for him to ... Nope. Nope. Nope. So he charges out the door.

It's a double glass door and I'm like, I'll hide behind this other door. That's what tips him off to that there's a shenanigan going on. Oh in that case he realized he's like something's going on He sees you hiding by the door He's gonna target you okay and body check the door to try to throw you off to knock you over And we'll say he gets a surprise on you because you are not expecting this We'll call that a fighting maneuver to try to knock you over so Freddy He succeeds his strength roll as he slams into this glass door to topple you over. Okay.

Fail. Fail. God, my rules have been shit today! I know, mine too! Fucking garbage! What the fuck? Freddy, lock in. Lock in, we got this. So you go toppling over.

Oh, ow. You fall, there's like a little thing of stairs. Just give me one point of damage for that. Ah, it has been absorbed by my goo. God damn it! Thank God you're wearing your goo armor. That's the difference in age, man. Look at that age.

You can fall down a stairs and take one HP. You roll out a thing of goo at my age, and you take three. It's just chubbing my age. He knocks you over. That's his turn. He's now standing at the top of the stairs. He sees Kelsey.

He sees Blake. Francis, give me a stealth roll for being in the bushes. That'll be a 24 out of 90 Okay, great. So he does not see Francis here He sees Kelsey who they know is public enemy number one attempting to judo throw his friend. He sees Trudy there as well He's like, oh shit. It's the screams. This is Brian. That's easy. You don't know But wouldn't that be easy if there's a new guy he just came out? I don't think it would be easy. I think it would be interesting. I just think it would be narratively quite interesting. You still have your gun? No, I gave it to Mothman Jesus because it was evidence.

Fuck. It is now Blake's turn. Hey guy, meet my fist and I'm gonna uppercut him. Okay, so you gotta get up and run up the stairs towards him first. Oh, now we gotta do all the busy. Yeah, I do Heaven forbid I wanted punch a guy You can accomplish all that in one turn Alright give me a tell me my guy can just punch another guy huh with my approval yes I think you should make a ready roll for going up the stairs based off of how rude he was.

There will. Yeah, this is just a matter of keeping it in line. Yeah, give me a dexterity roll. No problem. Blake rolls a 38. Is there armor on your feet to kick harder? To kick harder? Where is the goo?

Chest and groin and fists. Okay, not on your legs. No. Okay, good to know. Did you succeed in your roll? Succeeded my dex roll. Alright, you effortlessly glide up the stairs and proceed to try to punch this guy. I'm gonna uppercut him, I'm gonna go, FALCON PUNCH!

Give me your brawl roll. Five, that's a super duper success. He's going to roll... Super fucking duper success. He's gonna roll a dodge roll, and he only got a regular success, so yes, you clobber him. Roll damage for me That's gonna be a 1d3. Okay, plus a 1d4 Mm-hmm plus two seven damage seven damage. Okay, so boom. He takes one right in the fucking kisser

he has a little more than the other guy, but this is in fact half his health so he is going to make a Constitution saving throw Which he does not pass going to make a constitution saving throw. Which he does not pass. Blake stands triumphant over two bodies. I have taken care of two gentlemen. I'm really beginning to like this Blake guy. So, um,

it was a good idea, Kelsey, to have these, why you call them hulking hands. These guys are gonna wake up soon. Ah, let me punch them again Yeah, I mean we have no reason not to just fucking kick their heads in right Do his band's work Trudy Francis especially Suck in their mouth or something please turn away. I don't think that we should kill them Right we don't kill them let's tie them up. Let's tie them up the one thing about tying somebody up Is they can escape from it? You know we can't escape from anything Yeah, but then you can you won't be able to escape what it did to you to your soul

I know already done a lot of fucked up stuff. I know what Francis if you're dead you won't be able to escape what it did to you to your soul I know already done a lot of fucked up stuff I know what Francis if you're dead you won't be able to escape that's true But you also won't be able to tell us anything and we might need to know something from these people they they worked with Tucker They work with Brian what about breaking their legs ah? Okay, I could punch. I could punch their knees. They have two knees. I have two fists That's the maker has provided Everything we need for the following scenario. My Jesus is just watching you guys from up at this shipping. I well Guys see much uses up there sure Moth hello, so some rope

Yes beam these motherfuckers up sure that's fun. Oh, yeah, can you beam these motherfuckers up? No? We do not have any technology like that. Could you land and we'll just drag them in? No, cuz Kimmy's up there, and I don't want them to get out. But Mother Jesus has a crazy hallucinogenic goo chambers. Wait, does your goo hold them? What my goo holds? If we shove them into the goo will they be able to escape? Oh the goo from the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The batty goo. If we shove them into the goo will they be able to escape? Oh the goo from the... Oh that's interesting!

Cause when the goo gets hit like a non-Newtonian solid when it gets hit hard and fast it solidifies up So we have to push them in very slowly Yeah we just have to push them in very slowly I hope they wake up half way through I hope we come back and they're drowned So what do you guys want to do? We're gonna slowly push them into the goo. That fucking meat's ass. Okay, on my count. Okay. One Mississippi. I'm already pushing. Two

Mississippi. And just to be clear, we're okay with head first. That makes sense to us. Sure. They'll suffocate. I don't need to hear about that Oh, yeah, just keep their heads out. No head first Okay, are you putting them in head first so they'll die Legs first and then we'll keep their heads out. Okay, you guys I will allow you to do this I want to be like fucked up where it's like it's not that their heads are normal Like they have to like their neck is craned looking upwards, so it's just their face on the surface It's like when oh Demi Moore Owen Wilson gets buried up to his neck in Shanghai noon What a fucking pull and then Kelsey is gonna grab some branches from the bushes and just kind of lay them

Kelsey it will make them think that they're inside a bush. Yes, okay. Let's just somebody give me a lot of this Think that they're inside a bush. Yes, okay. Let's just somebody give me a lot of this Rock roll, okay, I love up look what now I want to roll some of the control Insane idea you push the leg and roll like I have 48 luck to who has the best luck So I have the 79 luck and I rolled a 66 okay, all right so in that case They do not regain consciousness as you are shoving them into the do up to their heads They're now both stuck at a jaunty- That's lucky for them, Will. Huh?

That's not lucky for them, not for us. They are now stuck at a jaunty angle in this goo thing. Unfortunately, you didn't think to search them before you did this, so they are just encased in this goo. That's fine. Oh, now, I'm a little bit unclear about the plan, so now punch them in the face? No, we're- no, no, no. I don't think people are gonna need that no, we don't need to kill them.

I don't think people are giving Bessie a joke enough credit there. Legs first, head stuck, that's the way I like to fuck. Ah, but hold on, group, team. They have been damaged by my fists. Okay. And they are unconscious now, yes. But if they do come back, they will be only damaged up to my fists from one round Let me give them a little goosing. What let me goose this guy. What's what's goose? What's going on? I just want to punch them one more time. Okay. No, you're a grown adult Oh, I have my eyes towards the library start walking

I have fought Hitler's troops in World War two. I have seen things child Okay, and I know from my time in war that everybody needs to be punched twice Give me a sanity roll Blake. This feels crazy This feels like you're having some sort of flashback to your violence. Eleven. I'm good. Okay. I'm good, dude. I'm locked in I'm fucking locked in. Eyes on the mission, dude. It was requested that he lock in, and he did indeed lock in.

I locked in. Matt, look at me, he said, Freddy, lock in, and I locked in. I'm like, I have a clear mind and conscience. Are you, okay, roll. Clear mind, goo hands, can't miss. Yeah, goo hands. Roll your attack.

Are you just trying, you're gonna punch them both once, right? Yes, correct. Okay. Just a little extra. Just a little extra from me. Two unconscious men with their heads dangling out right? That's correct. Okay, just a little extra Conscious men with their heads dangling out of a goop. I yeah roll for that Are you doing a full swing like how much power are you putting behind this? I would like to punch hard enough that I don't invoke my damage bonus Okay, so you just want to roll your regular damage plus your two punch your hulk hands points. Okay. Yes. I will let you do that One guy takes another three damage.

Okay. Another guy takes five damage. Okay, they're both very, very badly beaten now. Yeah, see? See? Yeah, we see. Now if they come out, it will be no problem. Yeah, you gotta loosen the jar for us.

Yes, indeed. Okay. I take my Hulk hands and I kinda clang them together, like I'm wiping them up, like, my work here is done To the library all right, and how many cars do you say that we're here? There's five cars in the parking lot so well maybe they carpooled. Well, it would be more guys then Yeah, oh

We should be scary. Between three and 18 more people here Francis 18 more people here. Oh, Francis. Great tactical analysis, Kelsey. Francis, let the air out of everybody's tires. Except one. Except one, yeah, okay, yeah. Great. I let the air out of all the tires except for the one furthest from the door. Okay, I like that. Francis, while you're over there doing that,

you feel something heavy on your back. Ah, the weight of conscience. Ah, the weight of conscience. And then you smell a sweet perfume and you feel a breathy voice on your back say, I don't know if I would call it that, my dear. I look into a nearby mirror to see if I can see the reflection of what's on my back. Rear view mirror, do objects closer than they may appear. You see the leather strap of your car 98 and the reflection of what's on my back. Rear view mirror, do objects closer than they may appear. You see the leather strap of your Kar98 and the Kar98 itself hanging off your back.

Oh, we're married now. You hear this voice say, you didn't think you could get rid of me that easily, did you, dear? Oh, you're sentient, okay. Oh, I had such a long nap after the war, but you woke me up. You woke me up, woke me up my baby boy

How long have you been sent yet? Oh? I said I was sleeping and then when you shot that man Jenkins I tasted the most delicious taste a gun can taste oh which is Blood all right craves a cold blood Francis, okay, and you you I think we have a beautiful future together Francis I'm hearing a German voice aren't hearing shit Talking you are hearing him talk you and your gun Brunhilde I stand up guys is there a gun on my back is there yes Yeah

You gave it to my Jesus. I did give it to Moth Jesus. It's a magical talking lady gun. Okay, well let's just put it- Wow, let's not go that far. Here, here, hand it over. Here. Watch, it'll fucking be right back. One Mississippi, two, I'm pushing into the goo.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi. Go ahead, go ahead. I push it into the goo, okay. All right, when you turn around, it's on his back. Everybody turn around for a second. What? Yeah, it's one of those now. It's like a monkey thing.

I'm one of those, and I think maybe you should try to be a little more grateful Okay, well Whatever you've got Zeus out right in your head Any of us should be judging. I wasn't judging. I was trying to think of a way to help him Yeah, I'm yeah, I mean I guess you're a tough spot. That's rough like roll sanity because I don't have Zeus on my brain I told you right now with me. Yeah, I forgot that. Yeah, I mean, I guess. You're in a tough spot. That sounds rough. Blake rolls sanity because the guy's dumb. And I don't have Zuzel in my brain, I told you. He's not with me. Yeah, I forgot that you don't have Zuzel.

You remember? I don't have Zuzel in my brain. That you don't have Zuzel. Everything I say about him is true. And everything that you say is true, I forgot. And he's not hot. No. He's not.

I'm gonna look you dead in the eyes and you tell me the fucking truth. Is Zuzel like Victor Lazzlo hot no, but he's Bigger library the Victor Freddie you said that Blake made a sanity roll yeah, and I passed I'm like ah The jumping car 98 I have come across the Nazi soldiers with such a weapon. What, you came across Nazi soldiers with teleporting guns? How did they live? It could have been teleporting, or I could have blinked.

Yeah. What would you like to do now? I think we should go in the library. Yeah. With a stern look on my face, I take Brunhilde off my back and put her in my arms. And it feels comforting, but I don't love that it feels comforting. Now I'm kind of grossed out. OK, everyone goes inside, right?

Everyone's going inside. Francis, as you pass these two unconscious bodies just sitting there stuck in the goo, give me a POW roll. POW! POW! Representing your willpower. Because as you pass them, you feel from Brunhilde an intense desire to execute one of these guys right now. My power's 40, I got a six.

As you're walking past, you see two slender German arms wrap around yours and hold onto the gun and start to aim it towards one of the guys. Like in a romantic comedy. We did one for you, now we do one for me, y'all. Nine. Oh, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Well, since you asked so nicely, no. Oh, I'll get you. I'm in charge. Okay, for now. And if you think about changing that, I am not that averse to putting you in my mouth. Oh, now that would be a- Who's gonna be your friend? No one.

That would be a delicious taste. Yeah, I mean, to be psyched for you, then who's gonna pick you up? Nobody. You're gonna be the gun that a little kid would kill himself with. Oh, we're going to have so much fun together, Francis. And you feel a little kiss on your cheek. Guys, you might have to kill me. What? What?

Just keep- just like emotionally get ready for that in case that comes up. I don't think I could get emotionally ready. I'm telling you now so you can have time to do that. How much time do you think it would take? Hopefully a while. Yes, Francis, I don't think I could ever do it. Yeah, we never would get you help. It's fine We'll figure it out As you enter. Libraries make everything better. Yeah, it might be a book on this in the library. You never know. There will be. As you enter

Something like a threat. Oh, there will be. You enter the library The lights are on. You passed my, how are you gonna get inside the locked library thing, because you bamboozled two guys in the coming out. Seems to be empty in here. Just again, you can- I miss the books.

Why don't you, yes. I would like to use my- Kelsey, before you use your library use skill, why don't you paint us a picture of the library, since you've been here so many times and I don't wanna do it. I mean, honestly, when you enter, there's the book return and there's like the big open space

where they have the checkout and to the left is check out. Yeah Checkout counter. Yeah, it's a check out counter and then Brian of course cuz he cares about the new books more than fucking good old Classics, he's got a little like shelf to the right. That's got like the newest books But I'm not a big fan of the books He chooses is all whatever the airport books if you don't mind me saying that's not about it But those are the ones that are that people want to check out are right there to the left is like the kids area It's got the kids books. It's like all the fucking bullshit modern books like catcher in the ride Yeah fucking fucking fair high

451 Charlotte's web Lord of the Flies all that bullshit Hemingway cranking them out Fuck this is a good technique to the right is you know popular fiction and all that stuff. And then just behind the checkout, it just keeps going further back. And that's just when you get into all the nonfiction. The good stuff. Endless aisles of good stuff. You keep going further, further back. There's a, what do you call it? A microfilm machine back there. So you can look at the newspapers for Peachyville. And then that's, that's the word, that's the word. The locked room is, which if you ask Kelsey, she thinks, and you know, she will admit, this might be a little bit paranoid,

but she thinks that in that locked room is every book she's wanted to check out that they don't have available. He just, he knows what book she wants, and he just puts it in that locked room. Just a real weird coincidence that every book she wants is just checked out all of a sudden. What do you guys wanna do?

I wanna use library use. I don't know what that does. What do you want to do? But I have 70 on it, all of a sudden. What do you guys want to do? I want to use library use. I don't know what that does. What do you want to use? But I have 70 on it. I spent a lot. I invested heavily on the meme coin library use and I want to fucking cash in on this. Kelsey, can you look up like breaking curses?

Oh yeah. I think I have a skill for that. Everyone tell me what you want to do in the meantime. I want to roll around, you know, back in the day, you know, even we remember this. Maybe not Beth, Beth might be a little too young for this. But we had little cabinets, like, with a Dewey Decibel system with little cards

of every book. Card catalog. Oh, I actually do remember the card catalog. I want to essentially go to the card catalog and like the candy man in the beginning of Willy Wonka, he's rolling back and forth and grabbing all the candies for the kids. She wants to roll a 70's library use and like scoot around looking for something

that could break a curse for Francis there because she's pretty sure he's talking about this gun and she's concerned about it Give me a library use roll Take it for a spin Here we go, I passed Yeah dude! All that hard work paid off Matt

What are you looking for? You're looking for a book on curses? Yeah, so with my great library use skill, I probably understand that it would be... Hehehehehe. Not about swear words. You're looking for, all right, yes. Curse, like, cursed objects.

Yeah, like, cursed objects. You're looking, okay. So like, archeology, and further back. Paranormal. Paranormal. Okay, all right, so yes, you find a book on witchcraft. I find a book called Catching the Rise. I say, read this and don't be like this kid. No, I find a book on witchcraft.

You find a book on witchcraft called Witch, Witches, Witch. And it's a practical and funny. Witch, Witches, Witch. And it's a practical and quirky guide to ancient curses and hexes throughout time in the Western Hemisphere So you find the card catalog for that give me a spot hidden while you're rooting around in there This is your time to shine Kelsey fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay? Yeah pass this by and I got 26 So that's below my 28 which is nice good success you notice a peculiar

Misfile in the card catalog system. Not peculiar if you know Brian. Fucking can't even keep his shit together. As you're thumbing through, because you just can't help yourself, you find yourself scrolling past the fiction section, you notice a card that looks a little like it just got stuck in there.

Right next to the books on Edgar Allan Poe, there is a card for a book called The Key in the Castle by Christie Bellman, which doesn't make any sense because that's nowhere near alphabetically to Edgar Allan Poe. is a card for a book called the key in the castle by Christy Bellman Which doesn't make any sense because there's nowhere near alphabetic Lee to Ed ground Poe Just just weird that that's in the wrong spot. So you notice that okay? Well, I'm gonna pick that book too Here's one for the curses Francis. Thanks. Also this one was just kind of misfiled But it's near a ground Poe and I just feel like I wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't important. So I think This guyals gonna

And you look up for me Maybe a book on how to be more convincing when I'm trying to fast-talk Oh absolutely and then like the candy man in a really walk I'm gonna scroll through the catalog again Okay, and it's one of me to book. Oh 28. That's a good success Okay, how to win fellas and influence gals. Yeah, so yes if it's a good success you you find a book called Scandinavian scams by the author of five more Finnish flimflams It's by this author Joseph Togelborg or whatever. No, it's his father. Torbjorn, it's by Torbjorn. Torbjorn Lively, your long lost deadbeat father

who wrote a book on flim flam. Yes, it's specifically- Had to leave your family and they'll never know you're gone. How did you get your kid in the field before World War I? Crazy that this guy has the same last name. You open the book and even kind of looks like you. But actually, no, you haven't gotten the book yet.

OK, so you found one more book. I hand you the But actually, no, you haven't gotten the book yet. Okay, so you found one more book. I hand you the card and I say, I can only do half of this, the rest of the journey is yours. What? You should work here. I believe me, this town would be a better place if I could do both teaching and this,

but I'm only one woman, Francis. There's only so much I could do. Oh, I love it here. Gosh, isn't this just great when he's not here. Anybody else, what do you think? Oh, actually, what's up, Trudy? I would like a book on how humanity is and works and how to be a human.

Well, that's called The Good Book. Ah! Oh, I got it right here, baby! Oh, fuck! I actually rolled, so I failed. So I go, uh, well, that one is here, and I hand you the Bible. I got an 88 on that roll.

Sorry. You got an 88 on that roll? Yeah, library 70. Sorry, Trudy. No, I'm not gonna lie, I couldn't find a good one for you, so I just gave you the Bible. But some people like it. Okay, well, I'm not gonna lie. I don't really I couldn't find a good one for you. So I just gave you the Bible But some people like it. I'll just leave that right here and then unread Rudy are you not even going to crack open the good book?

I'll read the first page. I mean in the beginningends on the translation. Okay. Hmm. In the beginning there was a formless and it was empty. Kelsey's doing a thing like when you're watching a friend watch a YouTube video and you give them a good part. Why are you on your phone? And there was light. Yeah. That separated the light from the darkness.

There's more humans later in the book. I was just hoping for I was just hoping for something that made me feel like I would come alive. Like really? Okay, here's the most insane rule of all time. Do random Bible verse generator. And if that random Bible verse has something to do with like one's humanity. I love this.

Yes. You get some bonus? Well, we'll see. I'll see how good that King's crossword is. So you flip to a random page in the Bible. All right, what do you get? Yeah. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles

the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Give me a sanity roll. Ha ha ha ha. Hmm. Weird grammar. Yeah. Could've just been more straightforward about it. I fail okay. You're Christian now

Yes a good God-fearing Christian do you feel a little guilty wait hold on Not at all Protestant She works really hard. What are you saying, Trudy? I feel chosen. Oh? Yeah? Okay.

There you go. Excellent. Well, I tried my best to get you all a good book that you can have so you can check that out. Don't even worry about using a library card because it's Brian and I don't care. And let's go ahead and open up this castle key book that I'm pretty sure is important because I found it. So you're going to the shelf?

Oh, oh yes! That was the card. Yeah, I thought we just said uh oh. Are you going to where it says on the card only trees got her book So far do we well I want a different book. I mean, okay, you could go This is my favorite book and I love it Change You just got the good news patch I think we should go you all have your cards So you remember the book that we should get but let's go. I found a strange one. Let's do it It's a board key in it. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, let's go for that one

I just feel like I could use this right now. So you're going to what if you want? No, okay Let's go get the key book first that you find the book. Yes. It's on the shelf It is weirdly give me another library use role everybody if you'd like to leave 56 will knows that we're never gonna use this outside the library section of this adventure. I've fumbled. Oh No, do they have those Christian? Your fumble is you literally fumble and drop the Bible and then when it lands on the ground you get book catches your eye on the shelf called am I an atheist or an agnostic by Bertrand Russell? Okay, I'm gonna pick this book up. Okay. Okay, craziest roll. Random am I an Bertrand Russell quote generator and if it speaks to you.

I like this. Alright Beth give me a number from 1 to 67 68 67 Please stop it. It thinks you say exactly what it's 67 Okay, here we go. I Have lived in the pursuit of a vision both personal and social personal To care for what is noble, for what is beautiful, for what is gentle, to allow moments of insight to give wisdom at more mundane times. Social, to see in imagination the society that is to be created, where individuals grow freely

and where hate and greed and envy die because there's nothing to nourish them. These things, I believe, and the world, for all its horrorsrors have left me unshaken. Praise him! Yeah! Okay, you're now worshiped Bertrand Russell. Okay, so you go to where the key in the castle is located and with your success, you realize, wait a second, this is nowhere near Edgar Allan Poe. You found the original place where the book is supposed to be filed and you found a copy of this book, The Key in the castle by Christy s bellman

And it appears to be like some sort of kind of like a trashy pulp paperback novel Again, like a real women in great hair fleeing gothic castles kind of thing pull quote on the back says another fantastic Chiller by miss bellman that belongs on the shelf with edgar allen poe Oh guys, sounds like it might be a hint to put it in the Edgar Allan Poe section where I found it in the catalog Yeah, let's do that. Let's go do that. Beep boop beep boop beep boop Can you give me a little more? There was a little longer. You need more beep boop beep boop. Oh Kelsey Are we passing by the section with my book? You wrote a book? This the one in the card catalog. No, it's on the other side of the library. Well shit Is right there is that the end pretty convenient, yeah, which which is which nice

It's actually a best-selling whole Display is that one of the author's Signature copies. Yes the first edition. Wow. I'm just taking this And look the poetry section with a book written by a wolf. It's called Howl. A great book here on a road construction on the road. Anthony, you like that one right? You really change up Carowak's intention by putting a pause in there. You know what I'm saying like totally different books Did you want to get your Scandinavian scams book? Yes, please. Okay, you get it if you want to go find it

Yes, I would like to okay you find the book. You go by yourself. I mean, that's fine. Yeah, okay I have big fists and I come back to it, uh, hell, I cannot open the book. Okay, so yes, while you're doing that, you're off getting the book, you're off getting the Scandinavian Scams book, and then really you get to the book, you find it, and then realize your fists are covered in Hulk hands and you can't grab it. No, he turns around and then we're right there with him, we go, buddy, I knew you weren't gonna be able to grab that book and I pulled out for him go Let's stay together. Let's not split up Through my ruse once again Matt Arnold Kelsey where were you I was the footprint

When I looked behind me, okay, we walk back to the ground Poe, okay I refuse to split this party There is sure enough a gap in the section that should not be there, because it's like right in the middle of his works sorted alphabetically, but fucking it's like the Raven and then the murders and the reward.

The reward. Well, real quick, can I just flip through this book? Is this like a real ass book? What, the key one? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I flipped through it. Yeah, it's a real book. If you're looking at the book, Francis,

give me a education role. Okay, my edu is... I hardly knew you. Alright, Fred, you get disadvantaged on your next role. What? I'm sick of hearing that joke. My edu is a 50. Oh, I rolled an 87. Then you don't notice anything weird about it.

No, it's weird. It just seems like... There's no pictures. Yeah, there's that but also like It's part of this weird puzzle to get inside the bison thing I wonder if this Christine Bellman person is a bison so you see the name is Christy s Bellman Christine s Bellman CRH ISTI s B e l l man quick check if it's an anagram Let me pull out my no. I'm not gonna use my anagrams. You can look up a book on anagrams if you'd like to.

Yeah, where's the book? Do you have any books on anagrams? Oh, a book on anagrams, please. Like, Kelsey, library master, doesn't know that a book on anagrams is right, and she just puts her hand up and grabs a book behind her. Not even looking, no eyes. Give me a library use roll, Matt. It's gonna be an extreme success.

Extreme success? Yes. Uh, I fumbled. You too! Pick up the quotable Bertrand Russell. Freddy, hit me with another quote. Random Bertrand Russell quote. I feel like this philosopher is fucking going around the library just putting his book in everywhere.

This will really fuck Kelsey up specifically. Go, hit it. There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it. It's true. I want people to like me. for reading a book one that you enjoy it the other that you can boast about it Roll 1d6 sanity damage Matt. I want people to how smart I am, but they don't see how much I do No, this is the goo. I pass got 36 my sanity is 44. You barely managed to hang on is the words of

It's not totally normal thing to want people to appreciate I think you're being a little funny here too, Kelsey. So a little joking funny. So you don't need to worry so much. Bertrand Russell is having a little bit of a humor. As Francis tries to crack this anagram. I'm seeing the word alchemist. Ooh, I like that.

Alchemist. Are we all doing this together? Trudy, how's this going over there? Not great, but maybe. Alchemist? What other letters do we have outside if you already do alchemist? What's left? Berlin. Berlin? Berlin alchemist? I've never seen you guys more emotionally invested in a puzzle in my life. Anthony's strip gang a piece of paper out. Wait, wait, hold on ladies and gentlemen listening home

You need to understand what happened here. Anthony took his steam deck put it down on the floor picked up a piece of paper and grabbed man's oldest tools pen and paper Now he's scrolling on it. Surely the pen is mightier than the deck. Wait so after alchemist what letters are left? R-S-B-E-M. I hope to God that there's no anagram and Wilshild's letting us do this That'd be so fucking good. Would you guys like me to describe the shelf anymore? You could describe her name. There's a gap on the shelf.

Weirdly, it's not like it's a wall or anything like that. This is in the middle of like a row of shelves. But you feel like a draft coming through this hole. Also, give me a spot hidden. Easy mode here. Oh, I literally just got 57 from 57. Think I'm gonna upgrade. Okay, nice.

You find a little BB pellet on the ground. Francis, did you do this? No, my rifle shoots bullets. That's right, you use the real ones. Okay, BB. BB? BB. No, that wouldn't make sense. Like the girl BB? She doesn't leave BBs around to tell it to shoot. That's kind of not her thing. Wait, does that call a card? Does BB leave BBs around? No, that's not her thing. No, I don't think so. Okay, never mind. And there's also no you in Christie S. Bellman. Hmm. Can we roll something to help us with this anagram? Do we get a hint?

Yeah, like is Alchemist correct? I'm gonna put the book in the thing. It must not be. I don't know. I can't find any words for it. The rest of the stuff I can't, yeah. Give it an idea roll. This will be you guys thinking really hard.

And then if one of you succeeds the idea roll, the god of anagrams will give you a hint. What idea? Oh, and the hint. 41. Ah! Super success! And then if one of you succeeds the idea role the god of anagrams will give you an idea Super success Failure ah I succeed I actually get a good success These are in a sort of mysterious your near Eldritch powers beyond your comprehension you hear a voice in your head say This is mr. Inaga. I love it.

Sounds like you guys are working on an anagram in a spooky place. Yes. Can you just hold the book up to your face? You there, the little boy? Yep. The weird little boy? Well, I mean, you just met me, but OK.

Hold the book up to your face. Hold the thing you're trying to anagram up so I can look at it. Oh, we need to include the title. What? We need to include the title in the anagram. Oh my god. What's the, yeah, what's the title?

Why don't you hold the book up to my face and I'll give you a hint. Looks like it says Christy S. Bell. Well that's the author of the book. So maybe instead of looking for a word you should be looking for a name that uses those letters. That makes sense. Hassle on the key. But I can give you any anagrams you want.

There's Brian, Brian Brian Brian's in that name what's his last name fuckhead I don't think right back you remember Brian's last name Brian Mitchell it is it's just Brian Mitchell's oh man I was like I read the first page and I liked it awful no it's just good to know we don't have to hunt down somebody named Christy Bellman because she's not involved in the bison cult, so we're good. That means Brian Mitchell wrote this book. He thinks the, I mean look, the first page was okay,

but he thinks this should be put next to Edgar Allan Poe. Also, point of order, he's using a woman's name. We have a hard enough time in his breaking into this literary industry. He's using a woman's name, taking my job, and I've never written a book, I wish I could. You opened the book, give me an education role as well. With advantage we'll say, because this is a reading, which is your area of view, you passed?

With advantage I got a good success, 35. You realize, because you see that the publisher is not a publisher you've heard before, but you know it to be a house of self-published self stylized authors so it seems like it would be a self published book by Brian S Mitchell so it's self published anybody can self publish what you want in the 50s the vanity presses in the fucking half 50s absolutely anybody the Bible was self published it's really the first vanity book if you think about it. That's true. Yeah, that's a good point.

That is the word of God who published it. The memoir of God. I want to put his book into the wherever there's a hole, so goes a book. And I put the... Now we know what our next t-shirt is. Wherever there's a hole, so goes a book. We can put bookmarks on that.

So I'm going to put a book in. All right. So you put the book in the hole and as it slides into the, to the space, this gap in the wall, you hear a far off click and you see the words on the book rearranged to say Brian S Mitchell and the. I guess we just couldn't get there anyway. Wow. Didn't even consult the God of anagrams. Well now we have our own gods.

You owe me one now by the way, I'll be calling in that favor at some point. Bye bye. I don't think it was worth it to know that deities exist. Yeah, how's that every clock in with everybody's Christianity? Everyone give me a sanity roll. Well I was already of the opinion that Moth Jesus meant there were more different gods. That's consistent with my worldview. Really, I failed my sanity. I failed my sanity. I pass. Fucking anagrams make me lose sanity.

So Matt, you are now doubting your Christian faith. All right. And Beth, you just, you're really open to anything right now. Wow. The whole- We already knew that, she was looking at Mothman recently. The whole shelf that you are standing in front of

spins around and sweeps you with it. But as you sweep, it's like going through a turnstile into a new building that wasn't there before. As it carries you along, you find yourself in a brand new space. You find yourselves in a dark, dank, endless candle-lit library labyrinth. Oh wow. Now we're holding up a maze. There's one with the answer on it, wouldn't that have been embarrassing? That is sick.

You now find yourself in the heart of the Archives Department of Project Heartland. With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. You see these walls that are all lined with books of all different types, you know, magical tomes, government filing cabinets and archives, and the hallways around you sort of twist and shift and lead in a sort of maze-like way.

And you feel like a sort of intuition pulling you somewhere. It's like you ever walk through a maze and like you don't think that hard about which way you go. It's just kind of like relying on instinct. You feel the pull of instinct as you. I've never walked through a maze. You've never done a maze in real life? I've done a corn maze, but I'm on instinct you feel the pull of it I've never walked through a maze. You've never done a maze? I've done a corn maze, but I'm usually pretty determined to get out of it.

This is no normal library Kelsey like puts her finger on one of the spines and tastes it. She goes my library use will have no purpose here and I've decided that I have disadvantage of the whole library to use things from now on. Just for you Will. Okay, here's how we're gonna do this. I was reading a fun little guide on how to run a TTRPG labyrinth from John4's RoleplayingTips.com newsletter. Who would like to lead the four of you through this maze?

Who's in front? Also, you hear ominous chanting coming from the center of the maze. Yeah, yeah, obviously. How are we doing the maze? Well, you guys know the whole, like, the trick, right right you just follow one wall. Yeah, here's how we're gonna Sounds like you know what to do for here's how we're gonna do this whoever's leading the maze Okay, I'm gonna give you this pencil in this paper Okay

You are gonna try to solve the maze and call everyone watches from behind you with bated breath and then every time you hit a dead end I am going to draw an encounter from this Deck of pentament playing cards we got from our trip to obsidian So I've written down a bunch of encounters So every time you hit a dead end on the maze something spooky is gonna happen you wrote on their nice deck They gave you I didn't write on the deck I wrote on a separate piece of paper and corresponded it to the deck Like a pointer in C++. Yes, who's good at mazes?

Yeah, but my method also involves hitting every day Okay, oh true. You're a robot so Needed extra time for any tests in school I will do it me and my big Hulk hands Yeah, you're like good with like sewers and stuff those are are essentially just mazes underground. No, they are laid out in a very very specific way. Oh yeah, I thought we hired plumbers because you do good elaborates. That's why not anybody can do it. All right, everybody gather around Freddy. All right, Freddy

here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start at the start of the maze. You have to continuously move and don't look at it but close your eyes No, you don't have to close your eyes, man. You can gap here. Yes, you started the gap You can open your eyes now and the second you realize you hit a dead end. We're gonna stop. Okay and ready and go Hey guys, let's go over here just chugging along I Think I feel pretty good about this way Trudy ah a little bit of a turn Ah, this gets me pretty close I've seen a lot of moving on that going up. Yes, very good

Yes, very good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Oh Really, I'm just gonna go down this long hallway on the side Left or right here Right to the right my right ha ha and then around here and up and then what do we do? Oh hold on Left right here take a left, and I'll go down down here and then we'll go now we sprint Will came up with 52 different encounters with 12 If I had been doing the maze we would have hit all 12 But now the question that every good RPG player knows we got you guys watch you gave them too much We got the critical path, but should we go back and make sure there's any treasure chest or stuff We didn't get

I've never seen so many books Read my book, but we were so it through it so It's really good. Yes. Yes. I have spent much time thinking about mazes. When you're in the mazes below the city, do you sense the drafts of the wind? Is that how- how did you get through this? No, I just go where my friends tell me to go. Oh, that's nice. Wait, how did we know?

No, oh we had Trudy with us. Smartest robot we know. I was like, surely they'll hit at least six. That was what I was thinking. I was like, they'll hit like six dead ends. Okay, so you wind up at the center of the maze. Here we are. I've made it. In the center of these twisty winding corridors,

you're sort of peering out at a circular stone floor. And in the center of this floor, you see a row of candles. You see your classic spell runes. Matt, you must be pretty familiar with all the people who work at the library, right? Mm-hmm. So you see one of them, you see the assistant librarian, Chekars. Jane O'Hulahan.

Also known as Chekars. Also known as Chekars. She's good at Chekars. She's, yes. Which is crazy, because Chekars are solved. And they keep bragging about how they're good at it. Chekars wasn't solved in the 50s. I'm pretty sure it was. She is. She how they're good at it. Checkers was involved in the 50s. I'm pretty sure it was.

She is the one who solved it. Checkers was solved in 2007 by Canadian computer scientists. Damn, dude. You see Checkers Ohulahan, she is wearing a cloak of the Bisons and she is lying in the middle of this circle of runes. Behind her, you see the cloaked face of the incredibly handsome Victor Lazlo-esque

Brian S. Mitchell reading from a massive spellbook tome. You see two more mysterious goons, unidentified as of yet, sort of kneeling in prayer. And swinging above checkers, you see two children tied up and dangling from a chain. and their names are Britannica Blue and Milton... Whatever, Burl. Not B.B.! Not B.B.! No! Oh, God.

Ah, these were the children who approached me in my dream. That sounds very strange, but I assure you it was astral projection. Dumb question. Is Checker's facing belly up or belly down? She is facing belly up, and she seems to be sort of writhing in ecstatic anticipation for some dark rites. I think she might eat him or something. Anybody got a knife around them? I got a gun. You see Brian S. Mitchell ranting in a million tongues unknown to you, but you hear the word Epidermicon several times.

Skin book? Skin convention? Skin convention? God, can you imagine a less pleasant convention? Skin convention? No, I bet you it's like gonna be all kinds of like skin caring Yeah, I actually love to go to the Comic Con. You walk out there with one of those like

goody bags and it would be heavy, dude. That's a fair point. You could not fly home with that one. That would be the worst case scenario. He's sort of chanting this dark rite and the candles are beginning to flicker and wind spinning around. The two guys kneeling. He's sort of chanting this dark riot and the candles are beginning to flicker and wind's spinning around. The two guys kneeling in prayer are sort of mumbling the words along with him and they seem to be saying,

the pages are flesh, the book is blood, the blood is ink, the pages are flesh, the book is blood, the blood is ink, ready the spine, ready the spine, ready the spine! And as they are doing that, Brian closes the book with a thunderous clap and pulls out a ceremonial dagger And they presume you might want to do something so we'll let you do something there

They seem to be busy they seem to be preoccupied preoccupied. Nobody cares less about Burkina Kabeen than I do, but even so, we should probably do something. They notice us? Do they notice us? They've not noticed you yet. They're all pretty preoccupied. What if I just go out there and knock over

one of the candles with my feet and then shoot Brian in the face? Because if they need all these candles and sigils and stuff, that must mean they're really important for the thing, which means they can't do it if they're fucked up. All right, let's do this quick. OK, you do that, I will dive, and I will grab Bibi. I just can't bring myself to save Milton

I want him safe But BB and Milton are swinging about six feet off the ground from a heavy chain that snakes up into a pulley And then down to a corner of the room where the chain master stands another guy who just looks like he likes chains a lot How does one get the sensation that somebody really likes chains just by looking at? He has an answer this actually I can answer this Because I knew a guy who was like really into ropes That's I know why that would be I know why but I'm telling you how here's how we showed it He had a rope on him at all times. It was tying knots constantly. Yeah, the chain guys got a chain necklace

He's got braces. He's got braces. He's got wallet change listening to two chains I mean, he looks he looks like a villain in Kingdom Hearts. Yeah he looks like he's got buckles and chains everywhere man. Oh no, a heartless. All over his robe and they were like, look man you're not supposed to be, we all have to have the same robe. He's like, if I can't fucking rep my chains then I'm not joining the cult. Blake you get to try to take that lady out of the middle of the circle because it seems

like that's pretty important. I will rush her and punch as hard as I can. Not enough to kill her though because it seems like her dying is part of the plan Oh, I want get the chain master and then I want pull Milton and BB up and down like a pinata so that he has a hard time hitting them Yeah, they're all blindfolded and going like well Milton's not blindfolded, but they're like Wait the gangster took his eyes. Yes.

Damn. So I want to step out with my gun, point it at Brian and say, this is going to hurt. And don't just take my word for it. And I pull the trigger. As you do that, give me another pow roll. Pow. This is going to be an opposed pow roll.

49, so a failure. You hear the voice of your gun, Bruhendl say, 999, I haven't gotten to taste mine yet, little boy. I want to taste cold blood and then you can shoot what you want to shoot, yeah? How about one of the children? Oh, shut up and I throw the gun down. And I just go and tackle the fucking Brian.

Francis, what about the gun? Don't worry about it, it'll be back anyway. Fuck that. With that, we will go into combat. Blake, you're up first. What do you want to do? I would like to punch the lady in the mouth. All this is happening, but just by circumstance, the first thing that happens is you're like, this bitch just gets it. Well, she's clearly the whole apparatus.

I mean, that's why I suggest you go after her. It's just really funny that that's the first thing that happens. I know. Well, She's clearly the whole apparatus. I mean that's why I suggest you go after it Just really funny. That's the first thing. Well. That's good. It's effective. It's a puncher in the mouth She's writhing on the ground in ecstasy. There's incense around her you think she's not in combat So you're gonna get free hit on her now this feels Blake hold on Enjoy the blood you just pull her away. You know here's what it is. I see a Blake. Hold on. This lady is just having a good time. She just seems like she's going to enjoy the blood. We can just pull her away. You know, here's what it is. I see a weapon.

I see a knife. I should go after Brian. He's across the room from you through the center. Between him and you, there's two guys. There's the drugged out checkers. And there's also two children swinging from a chain. I'll step around the children on the chain. I'll just take a long, curvaceous route.

OK. You're going to take a long, curvaceous route to get around. Yeah, and then I'll stiff-arm anyone who's trying to get in the way like a football player. Okay, great. We'll say you do that on your turn, but Brian sees you coming, so he readies up to square off against you.

I'm gonna sock him. I'll rock him, sock him, robot, dude. Rock him, sock him, robot, do it. All right, give me your fighting brawl roll. Damn, 23, that's a super success. Oh my God, now the rolls are coming. Oh, he got a 20 out of 60. Draw initiatorator wins you get a punch-off on him roll damage 1d3 ouch 1d4 ouch plus 2 ouch 5 total damage BIF

I mean his beautiful Laszlo-esque chin takes a big bloody hit it is now his turn He wipes the blood off of himself And he looks at you he looks at everybody else coming in for him, and he realizes that like, at this critical juncture, something horrible might happen. So he is going to, for the moment, ignore the kids and deal with you, the most pressing threat, and he's gonna slash at you with his knife ready.

What would you like to do? You gonna dodge, or you gonna fight back? I'll fight back. You're gonna fight back? Yeah. Give me a fighting brawl roll then. Nine. You got a nine? Nine. Super duper success, dude.

Fucking hell, okay. Nice challenging RPG. It'd be a shame if somebody rolled a nine in it. Okay, so he got a 17 out of 60, which is just a super success. So he takes a swing at you with his knife, and you're able to zip out of the way, and give him another clock in the face. So roll damage one more time. Six damage. Six damage one more time.

Six damage. Six damage. Fucking hell. Dude, 11 damage in one round. Holy shit, bro. So he takes another big blow to the face and he's reeling back looking staggered. As you knock him around, you see that key on a chain flop out from his shirt as he's looking very dazed. Like one more good punch would knock him over.

Kelsey, it's your turn. The chain master is holding like the chain or just guarding the chain. We'll say it's more fun if he's holding the chain. He's holding them up. It takes a big strong chain boy to hold his chain up. Okay. So if he was knocked down, they would just like drop to the floor. Yeah. I want to dive and knock him down, but I'm going to like grab the chain and like pull it down with him so that we both fall into him while holding onto the chain

Yeah, yeah, so they so they go popping up like a pinata. Give me we'll call that a fighting maneuver What is your build did we ever decide what your build is? It should be one I read it as like one was like a giant but then every guy I've met is like a one and I'm like I'm supposed to be like a big girl. Okay, so he's a one as well. Give me your fighting brawl Matt 34 and my fighting brawl is 60, so just a normal success. Okay, that's great. He failed his, so you smash into him and knock him into the ground,

and yeah, you manage to hold onto the chain. So as you fall, you've landed on top of him, and Milton and BB go lunging up into the ceiling. I'm sitting on him like a bully. Yeah, and you're sitting on him like a bully. Brian, you're hurting children? Kelsey, is that you? Yeah. Ugh! Ugh! on him like a bully. Brian, you're hurting children? Kelsey, is that you? Yeah.

Ugh. Ugh. Oh, God. Kelsey, you want me to give him the business? Yeah, this doesn't even surprise me, Brian. Hey, you're ruining my ritual. Shh. Shushes you.

Oh. Kelsey, give me a willpower roll. This is you resisting the urge to immediately get up and beat him up. I fail. This is you resisting the urge to immediately get up and beat him up. I fail I stand up and the kids just go dropping to the ground Okay, so you stand up and let go because you're readying your Dukes to go clock Brian It is now Francis's turn the kids have not fallen yet All right, I'm going to as quickly as I can seeing that two chains is about to get back up

I'm just gonna run over and try to kick him in the head really hard and grab a hold of the chain that Kelsey just let go of. Oh, that's great. Give me fighting attack. And he's gonna dodge with a penalty dice because he's on the ground. All right, my fighting is a 65 and I got a 31, which is a super success.

Super success. He failed his roll, so roll for damage. My damage is for shit, three damage. So he takes three, it is now his turn. It's just like one of those ones, like where the fucking hero punches the guy and then the guy gets up You're like, oh, that's a really big guy Yeah

It's like we do one of those and now he like looms over you Francis and he cracks his knuckles and he's like chain Masters turn and then he He grabs the chain and he is going to do a fighting maneuver to try to wrap it around your neck No, I'm going to try to dodge. I don't care about fighting back. What did you get for your dodge? I failed pretty badly. Okay, he succeeded.

So he wraps this chain around you and then holds onto one end and then you feel it go tight between his grip and now the weight of Milton and BB pulling the weight down on the other end is what's actually choking you right now. So you are immobilized and kind of squiggling around. So there's the two guys praying so they've realized that there's a big fight going on. One of them is gonna go to help Brian and the other one is gonna go to help the chain master. So the first one is gonna attack you, Freddy. He is going to run up to you and try to punch you in the back of the head. Go ahead and roll for me, Freddy. Dodge. 47 regular

success. Regular success. Okay, he got a regular success as well. Which means he wins so he's gonna roll for damage. When I dodge, I'm successful when the rolls are tied. When you fight back, the attacker hits you. Oh, you're right. You're right. So yes, no, draw, defend, or win. So yes, you dodge. He takes a swing at you. Just describe your dodge. I just duck. And he swings and he misses me entirely. And I go, I heard you coming. The other one is gonna attack you, Kelsey. I'm not dodging swings and he misses me entirely. I go I heard you coming

The other one is gonna attack you Kelsey. I'm not dodging. I'm just gonna punch as I go Okay, you're gonna just try to like stiff arm him as you yeah exactly so that's a 30 and that's just normal fighting brawl So that's a super success. He failed as you're running past you just throw a fist out at him So give me a damage roll Three a three I got six three Okay, great. I hold my fist up and I run past him and my fist hangs back for a little bit. Mm-hmm. To touch his face hard. I keep moving forward. All right, he takes a big clock to his face. He feels some teeth give out. Trudy, it is your turn. No talking in the library. Worried about Francis. Trudy's gonna grab some of the candles around.

I'm gonna roll to climb up this chain so that it takes the pressure off of Francis' neck. I'm getting pulled from both sides, so you adding to either weight is gonna hurt me more. Can you explain that again? BB and Milton are hanging, so that's drawing the chain one way. Okay, Anthony is demonstrating. One of these. Okay. So if he pulls here, I would hurt, and if he pulls here, it would hurt.

What's holding that on the other side? The chain master. Chain master. No, but hear me out. Hear me out. Be careful. I'll come I'm gonna explain what you're doing. Anthony has put a mouse cable Finally choking on our BDSM podcast A mouse cable around his neck is holding from either side now will scum and is holding it on one side So here's what I want to demonstrate because I actually think Beth is right Okay, so Bibi and Milton are hanging from one end of the pulley Beth Why don't you come over and demonstrate what Trudy is going to do?

Two people now I'm definitely gonna come Anthony will tell us if he feels the mouse getting tighter on his neck or less tight This is BB and Milton are hanging down here Less tight aha ah because she's actually pulling the weight tight aha ah She's actually pulling the weight Science it's a kink is what it was yeah, I knew it was gonna work from the get-go bondage Science is what it was Freddy the s in BDSM Francis is stuck in a chain between the chain master holding on one end and the other chain snaking up to the ceiling and threw a Pulley on the other on the other side of the pulley

Bibi and Milton are hanging drawing weight which is causing the chain to be tighter. Trudy, what do you then do? I leap up above Francis and take the weight that's pulling upwards on his neck off the chain. So you're pulling down on the chain on that side, which causes Bebe and Milton to go up and put some slack back in the chain, which allows Francis to breathe. Yes. I'm gonna roll climb. And while I'm up there, I'm gonna hold the candles to the chain.

I think that fire can melt steel beams. I thought you were gonna light the guy on fire because he's in robes. Yeah, I'll light him on fire. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, great. Did you hear that three conspiracy theorists walked into a bar?

Couldn't be coincidence. That's pretty good. I'm gonna light the chain master on fire. And he's a disadvantaged because he's still holding onto the chain and he's trying to choke Francis So give me a fighting brawl roll to stick him with a candle. Okay sick. I got a 16 and my fighting brawl is 35 Okay, so that's a reeeeee- super success, because that's less than half. Yes. He failed. He's so focused on Francis that he doesn't realize until it's too late that his cloak has caught fire and then you jump up on the chain to relieve the pressure on Francis' neck. I love that.

We're back at the top of the turn order. Blake, it's your turn. Cool. You got a knife-wielding Brian S. Mitchell on one side of you and you have this enraged goon you just dodged from on the other. Wait your turn and I'm gonna punch Brian. Okay, great.

Fighting, brawl. Ooh, I'll burn one luck to get to 60 to just get to regular success. He does not, he failed his role. Excellent use of luck. So give me your damage. Great return on investment for luck. Six damage. With six damage with six damage

You knock him clean the fuck out Brian goes flying backwards Street fighter ask And you see again once again that blue key on the chain around his neck sort of glint in the candlelight as he flings Backwards into the air and lands on the ground with a solid thought he is now unconscious Kelsey it's your turn. I feel like my friend Blake has a good idea So I'm just going to leap up in the air and come down with my fists onto Brian's head. The unconscious Brian. Yeah While your friend Francis is getting choked to death. Are you sure that that's the right use of your- I mean I'm only playing because I rolled the inability to stop myself from- She's got berserker rage right? Yeah I got berserker rage. I just got that bloodlust. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, cause I kind of have to. Unless the DM says I lost my Berserker Rage, but I believe I failed my roll. You tell me if she's lost her Berserker Rage. Did you watch somebody else punch out your biggest enemy? What do you feel? Do you still want the hit off on him? Like, are you more tempted to hit him now

that he can't defend himself? What I do is when I see him get knocked down, I stop and I go, shh. Shhh. And then I'm going to go to. All right, give me one more willpower roll for that. Okay, no I passed it, I passed it. Okay, if you had failed I was gonna be like,

that you just waste your turn shushing him. But since you managed to tear yourself away and you now have the time to do something. What's the best way I can help you now? Fucking up the blademaster, or the chain master. Chain master's still holding onto the chain. He's now on fire though. Why don't I hold onto this? looks like you're having some difficulty with fire

Want to say something Freeing I can say whatever I want this lie right now. Hi, Brian. Oh Brian, huh? Who's talking now Brian? Idiot and I place the chain master give me an attack roll Spotting things are hidden. I got four you got four super duper success. Okay, he got a 84 so you clobber him So rolling rolling steam rolling these Horribly right now give me a damage roll steam rolling these motherfuckers that is also a three Freddy Can you do a quick Google and tell me how fire damage works in this game? It was like 1d8 damage per round Okay, great. It sure sucks that moth Jesus is goo is super flammable

I thank you Matt you get advantage on your next role for helping the DM out I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one.

I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one.

I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. I think I'm going to be the next one. Milton and BB are now dropping towards the floor at a rapid rate once again. Trudy's still holding on to it, right? Oh, yes she is, yes. And we'll deal with that on Trudy's turn. So I feel the heat beginning to catch onto my shirt with all the goo on it. So I just rip off my shirt, revealing my back tattoo.

Are you, sorry, you're what? It's a tattoo of a sentient ice cream cone holding an Uzi. No, I don't have a Uzi's back tattoo, nevermind. Tommy gun? I don't have a tattoo. So I rip my shirt. That was the deal breaker. Yeah.

I rip off my shirt, and... Can't get a new one, I'm not even getting a tattoo. Yeah, not worth it. Okay, so actually how many people are in this room that don't like us? Brian is knocked out, there were the two guys who are praying, who are now up and punching people, there's Checkers Ohulahan on the floor, And then Chain Master. And then there is the Chain Master, who is now on fire.

Okay, so four people to fight. What's going on with the woman who is writhing on the ground? She's Chain Master. And then there is the Chain Master, who is now on fire. OK, so four people to fight. What's going on with the woman who's writhing on the ground? She's still writhing, dude. OK, I'm just going to grab her by her robes and try to pull her out of this circle, ideally knocking over candles and smearing the sigils on the ground.

Give me a strength check for that. Fail. As you try to pull her, she seems to be in this sort of delirious haze, but she recognizes what you're doing. And she digs her hands into the stone floor, like, and grips on the edges of the brickwork to try to resist you.

So you're only able to move her a little bit, but she's not out of the ruins. And as you're doing that, you notice that, again, Brian, after he slammed that book shut, seemed to be ending the chanting portion of this ritual. And the ruins on the ground are beginning to glow. The ground itself is beginning to shake. Did I smear any of the ruinses while I was running up there?

You did but I think it's too late at this point whatever's happening is already happening. The runes are more for like the prayers the gods more or less know what you're going for. I just when I see something glowing I assume it is currently working and that destroying it will make it not work. Okay it is now the chain master's turn let's see if the chain master burns to death. He does not, but the flame races up. He screams in anguish as his flesh is beginning to burn underneath his robes.

He is going to abandon fighting you guys and drop on the ground and try to pull himself out of this robe as he's getting burned. So that's gonna be his turn. Trudy, what would you like to do? I want to get the key around Brian's neck. Okay, great. Go for it. Okay.

You can kind of just run up and go grab it. I'm gonna kind of slowly get off the chain so I'm not violently like shooting the kids up into the air or like pulling them down or anything. Just kind of slowly get off and get the key. Now you can carry the chain over there with you. Okay, I will. You don't have to be holding onto it.

Yeah. So one handed you carry the chain. Oh, here's what we'll say. Give me a strength check to break it off of his neck because it's on a chain around his neck. 24. I, I will. You're not holding on to it. Yeah. So one-handed you carry the chain. Oh, here's what we'll say. Give me a strength check to break it off of his neck because it's on a chain around his neck. 24. I have a 60. So that is a super success. Okay, great. It snaps easily into your hand. Goo number one, Freddy. He sees his boss knocked out cold on the ground. He sees the chain master, the biggest buffest guy in the room, on fire. He sees them starting to be outnumbered really

quickly and he sees those fucking runes glowing on the ground and he decides in that moment that someone's got to do what needs to be done and he picks up the knife from the ground that got knocked out of Brian's hand and he realizes that Milton and BB are still far out of reach and it's up to him and he looks to the sky rips his shirt open and says witness me mighty zuzell and he slits his own throat overips his shirt open, and says, witness me, mighty Zuzel! And he slits his own throat over the body of the woman on the ground. And his blood spills forth and splatters onto her skin

and rolls down her throat into her lips. And her eyes open and begin to glow. And she says, yes, yes, the Epidermicon, I can feel it! I knew I should have punched out the lying down lady. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Her face deforms and her eyeballs pop, her spine compacts, and her ribcages seem to flatten and jut out like these two rows of bones sticking out of her skin. Her skin starts to contort and peel and wrap and rearrange itself, and you're watching someone transform into a book made out of human flesh. Everybody make a sanity roll.

I succeed. I failed. I succeed barely. a book made out of human flesh. Everybody make a sanity roll. I succeed. I failed. I succeed barely. Kelsey can't stand a fucking, just a vile use of a book. And he's throw a book related stuff. Yeah, everybody fucks with their minds.

So you are gonna take some sanity loss regardless. I super, super succeed. You super succeed. Matt, so first thing you're gonna do is give me a 1d8 sanity loss this is your temporary sanity to and then give me another 1d8 And this is permanent sanity loss to one So it freaks you out, but not that much This book of human flesh that was once this woman, it's about the size of like a-

A woman? Well, no, it shrinks. No, no, I can't. It's the size of like a really big dictionary, I would say. You see like scarring into the flesh that is on the cover of this thing are the words Epidermocon exelebrus.

As you're looking at it, it bursts open and like these pages made of human skin begin to flutter. It seems to be drawing a powerful wind into it, almost like a psychic vortex. And it doesn't seem to be affecting any of you. Like you don't feel like a wind pulling you towards it, but all around you, you hear things knocking over, you hear glass crashing, you hear toppling, and as you look up, you realize that every single book in this library is bouncing down the labyrinth in corridors

and flying towards you at blinding speed. You feel the whole chamber around you begin to shake. Debris is falling from this vaulted ceiling, and you get the impression that you're gonna need to make a pretty quick escape out of this place, because the very structure of the labyrinth seems to be growing and changing and shifting What would you guys like to do? We need BB and Milton

Pick them up or gently lower the children down onto my shoulders. You can take one. I'll take the other You know play you're strong, but you don't need two kids. I'll take BB. Okay, okay, you can take Milton And yes, that's wet peanut butter Okay, so you lower them down and then you guys take them And you're just gonna run for it Yeah, we got the key We got the kids as you charge off down the path you came from everybody Give me a quick dodge roll to see if you get hit by a book in the face

I do not but barely I slip it expertly. I definitely get hit. Oh, I do not I get hit very badly. I definitely get hit. Oh, I do not get hit. I got 11. I get hit very badly I fumble. Trudy gets knocked down. Trudy and Francis both give me a 1d3 damage roll. 1. 1. As that's happening you feel the ground shake more in the labyrinth around you seem to yawn and expand and you realize that it's growing and as you're running and you see these cultists now chasing after you and these books are whipping down to a blinding speed you realize that to escape with your lives you've got a whole lot more maze to get. What?! What?!

More mazes?! It's a big maze! That's a big maze. We might even meet one dead end in that maze. Hahaha! Mother, mother, fear me I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies, twisted in my mind And now I'm gone Thanks so much for listening. We hope you've enjoyed the episode. Do you desire more audio content? Well, Dad Hammer, our Warhammer 40K mini series that Matt DMed has concluded. All three parts are available now on our Patreon for your listening enjoyment. A short tease on what you're missing out on.

Speaking of Patreon bonus series, our Kingdom Dad Monster campaign continues on in this latest episode Matt homebrews one of his Space Marines into the fight. All in all a lot of very funny 40k sci-fi stuff coming at you. A little bit of a theme as of late. You can get these mini-series and more like ad-free episodes starting at just five bucks a month at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Dungeons and Dads is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch as Frances Farmsworth, Will Campos as R.D.M., Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Walter, Brian Fernandez as our content producer, Ashley Nicolette as our

community manager, Courtney Terry as our community coordinator, Cindy Denton as our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis as our lead editor, and Travis Reeves and Omar Romolino provide additional editing. This show is supported by a Patreon containing the names of people like Caroline Prolx, Kitty Lamp, Ethan Haddad, Bubblegum, Logan Phillips, Terry Huddy, Maddie, Brandon Carey, Owen Kennedy, Anya, Jonathan Culverhouse, Nicholas Hildebrand, Emily Valentine, GingerBeardMan25, Alexander Gray, Dandelion, Russell Oh, M, Elizabeth Burgos, and Elizabeth Tarsely. Mad and My First Movie, We're All Gonna Die in theaters March 7th. More info at

we'reallgonnadie.mov. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merch and more at DungeonsandDads.com. And our next episode coming at you February 25th. We'll see you then. My dreams are making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars Today Did they have those leave a book take a book things back in the 50s?

Like a public library on the street kind of thing? I'm just saying because if I have really good library use I should be able to use those like little like drops. Dead drops. Those are basically dead drops but for books. Cuz I have really good library use I should be able to use those like little like drops Those are basically dead drops, but for books