Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 22 - Clancy Meeting You Here

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

The hunters become the hunted as the Guttural Screams seek to save their loved ones from the wrath of the Dollmaker.This episode contains Violence, Gore, Profanity, Sexual Content, Suicide.If you are struggling or need extra support, please see the resources below:• A warmline is a phone number you call to have a conversation with someone who can provide support during hard times. Find a warmline at WARMLINE.ORG• If you are in crisis and a warmline can’t provide the level of support you need, you can reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or using the chat box at 988lifeline.org • Here is a link to international crisis linesSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold Francis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth May Blake Lively is Freddie Wong Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingOmar Romolino provides Addition EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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So we ask that you have a look at the content warnings in our show notes for details. Do you ever feel empty? Like there's a hole in your heart that grows wider every day, threatening to suck you into its event horizon until there's nothing left? That means you're hungry for ice cream! I'm Francis Farnsworth and I work at the One-Handed Jerk, so named because all of our glasses are slim enough that you can hold them with a single hand. We've got so many new flavors you won't believe your eyes! You'll be screaming bloody murder at our peachy villain cream, Float.

I finally learned what I am. I'm an absolute monster. A cookie monster, that is! Our new Hydrox and Cream Sunday will have your eyes popping out of your head! Now I know what you're thinking. Oh, Francis, what did you do? You scooped out my eye! Scream, you scooped my ice cream, and you're darn tootin' right. With our patented sharpened scoops, your ice cream will be smooth as silk

no matter how rocky the road gets. And don't forget our seasonal flavors like Bruin Hilda Banana and Morally Ambiguous Parents Pecan. They won't be here forever, if I have anything to say about it. So come on down to the one-handed jerk, where if you use your left hand, it's like someone else is holding the milkshake.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's NOT a BDSM podcast. This show is not a BDSM podcast. This season we're doing Call of Cthulhu. This is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast. About four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness. Where? In suburban 1950s America, that's where. Do you think our pitch should include what we're not?

I'm just saying, like, you know Star Wars is like, Star Wars! Not Star Trek! It's a bourbon 1950s America, that's where. Do you think our pitch should include what we're not? I don't know. I'm just saying, like, you know Star Wars is like, Star Wars, not Star Trek. It's like a weird, like, hey, what's your elevator pitch? But to be fair, imagine if season three of Star Trek was Star Wars. Yeah, they would start. We would build a space. Space, to bold and go. Not where we went before, but to a new thing, a new show called Star Wars.

Yeah, exactly. You're expecting Darth. He's not showing up this time. Old Darth and Jar Jar and R2 and C3-3-0 and all your favorite friends aren't here. Okay? My name is Freddie Wong, I play deep-thinking plumber Blake Lai-ve-ly. Blake's fact this week, Blake has never been to space, but he's looked longingly upon the stars and he's thought to himself through many battles of World War II, and in the time since he's looked longingly upon the stars and he's thought to himself through many battles of World War 2 and in the time sense he's like if only I could fly into space I would be a good spaceman. Does he want to be like a space guy?

He does, yeah. Does that mean he wants to like live in space forever or what's the... He wants to be the first person in space because at this time nobody's been to space. Correct. Oh he wants to go and come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. This is not like... He's's been to spray. He wants to go and come back. Yeah, okay? Yeah This is not like everybody else. Yeah, he's not special. That's why he's an all-american man That is odd that like before Astronauts you never would have like dreamed of going to space and coming back

It would just be like you're in space now. Yes, you probably wouldn't have considered like and somebody probably thought the idea of going I don't think so Yeah, you probably wouldn't have considered like and somebody probably thought the idea of going I mean to be fair. That's how humanity spread from Africa. We never went back anywhere. We just kept going you never go back You only go one truck and sometimes the Ice Age ends in the land bridges gone It was here just a minute ago Imagine the caveman while the last guy across the land We just spent four months walking across it why George you said there was gonna be a land bridge here I swear was here last week God. That's my cousin. Oh Never asks for directions

It's good that we got a podcast to do. No, I was wrong. It's good that we tell people this is not a D&D podcast before we start. Hey everybody, my name's Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville snappiest and happiest school marm. And you know what she always says,

right before a test, it's not about the grade, it's about just doing your best. And then I will sign a letter to how good your best was and you can't do everybody else's best. Love that. Is Kelsey great on a curve? Fuck no. Wow.

What curve? What does fucking communism do? Do you think they have curves in the 50s? I signed you a number. That's socialism, man. It implies she might not be a good teacher, too. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, you don't need a curve when you fucking calibrate your lessons perfectly to get that curve naturally.

I am the curve. A kid gets an F and you think that of me? So yes, I got through the census and we'll go back to a normal Kelsey fact. So I was thinking I'll do favorite word Okay, so her favorite word is Vestibular as in a vestibular sensory system as in the sixth sense the sense of balance. So her favorite sense of balance is Just in a rocking chair that feeling of rocking just feels really... I love a good rocking chair. Fuck it, she loves a rocking chair.

I don't run into any of those these days. I know! I don't see a lot of rocking chairs anymore. They say, you know, they're supposed to be really good for you. Yeah, they're supposed to be super good for you, and apparently, like, kids not having access to swings is pretty bad too. Really? Wait, why? What about the aspect of going back and forth? It's cathartic and soothing. Sensory stuff is important.

Yeah. Yeah, and there's this certain sensation of the swinging and forth? It's cathartic and soothing. Sensory stuff is important. Yeah, and there's this sense of swinging and stuff. What about the sense of getting a victory royale in a fortnight? What about the sense of you and your four Benjamin Franklin? Gamer Rocking Chair! Gamer Rocking Chair! Gamer Rocking Chair! The fucking grandmas do along, they were fucking doing their knitting.

I know this already exists. Did you know that Ben Franklin actually invented the game of Rock and Chair? They do exist in the way that is not what we're thinking. No, those aren't. I want an old, tiny wooden gaming Rock and Chair. They're the ones that go straight on the ground. Boo. Do you guys remember those? No, they gotta have the bowed legs.

Yeah, and they need to be made of craft oak. Realamish.com, you can call the Amish and they'll make furniture for you. That rules. Real Amish dot com you can call the Amish and they'll make furniture for you that rules studly Amish carpenters want to chat with you That you want to build a real Amish dot com They have a game room chair for sale and let me tell you looks like a wood chair I'm gonna bring them all on rum spring. Oh, they're gonna have so much fun building my gamer chair Her least favorite is a hayride because it's too much for her tummy go on My gamer chair her least favorite is a hayride because it's too much for her tummy go on

Hi, my name is Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth Yeah, a kid with a possessed gun and ice cream scoop and a song in his heart a heart full of gold I'm actually gonna do census as well. Oh, yeah So Francis loves it when the guy from the government comes to their house every year and asks how many people? Talk to them about all the people he loves, like his mom and his dad. Aww. I love their census joke. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout she has one of the most exquisite Wonderful popcorn recipes of all time

Loves a kernel task She's back that one came to me in the shower I was just like boom. Someone in on the Patreon was like, because you did the credit card fact last time with Diners Club I was like I was waiting for Beth to say like she got the credit card because she loves to charge That's good. I already did charge with battery, but like I feel like we can kind of just bring it back run it back You know? Recycle your memory so to speak? Yeah. All right. I'm Will Campos. I'm your daddy master. My creepy fact for you today comes from the Wikipedia page

for medical cannibalism. OK. In Europe, thousands of Egyptian mummies were ground up and sold as medicine since powdered human mummy called mummia was thought to stop internal bleeding and to have other healing properties. Reaching its peak in the 16th century, the practice continued in a few cases

until the early 20th century. Fresh human blood, particularly from recently executed criminals, was also highly valued because of its supposed healing powers, a custom that goes back to ancient Rome when the blood of wounded gladiators was thought to cure epilepsy. Okay, hold on.

How has that not been in a gladiator? Hold on hold on. Hold on what I get the Roman thing that big strong guy blood can help make strong But really criminals, wouldn't you think that would turn you into a criminal if you're looking? Probably here's what I think about the blood not the purse. They were like we want criminal blood No, I think a very enterprising blood seller was like well, what's my best source of blood? Executed criminals. He's like well, we got to put some sizzle on the steak And he was like did you know actually the criminal blood is even better for you well so the reason why I point out is interesting because like the idea of like you eat thing and then thing become you is like That's pretty

Testicle so you become a lot of cultures. So it's like that's pretty Testical so you become a lot of cultures is a so it's like to me It's from Rainbow six the book by Tom Clancy. Okay, I remember that scene forever for some reason. Sorry what? Well somebody says like about like you get eat live testicles and it'll make you more fertile or whatever the guys like does it really work He goes if it did there wouldn't be any lions left Was such a warrior Marcus Aurelius over here. I don't know why I remember that scene. I remember that. Did Ding Chavis say that? Ding Chavis. There's only two things I remember about Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six. But it's true, if it didn't look there wouldn't be any lions, right?

Because men need it. Yeah, it's like if beef tasted good, there'd be no more cows, right? We must reference Tom Clancy and Ding Chavis more than any other podcast in the history of the world. We reference Rainbow Six more than Ub soft because that's just called six All right, let's do a spooky podcast Where we last left off a lot of shit went down last episode I once again typed up fun little recaps for everybody mission briefings if you will Yeah, well you're so John Clark the head of

Character also appeared in a ton of ladies and all without remorse and clear present danger portrayed by Willem Dafoe in the film starring Harrison Ford John Clark. He's a member of the CIA, but don't worry, he's one of the good ones. Kelsey, your mission briefing. Amid your car crash, Mexican standoff, hostage negotiation, fistfight with the Bisons, you made a cunning deduction and sussed out the identity of one of your masked assailants, a parent of one of your students.

Just another lead for you to chase down or ignore quadruple A open world, do whatever you want. Is this the first quadruple a podcast Yeah, it's going though. It was the Clark family and the husband's name Recognize John Clark and his little Come up with a name at the time so yes, you have a lead there to chase down Yeah, fuck yeah, dude Trudy don't mess with him though Trudy! Don't mess with him though. He's tough. He's real tough. Or you'll be in clear and present danger, Matt. Trudy. Matt, try and sneak up on your Patriot games, Matt.

Matt, try and stick every Tom Clancy novel into your dialogue this episode. Trudy, your hunt for the Dollmaker, not the Red October, has taken a backseat to saving local restaurant owners and trying to give cats painkillers. But the beast is still out there stalking the night and with it the means to potentially save your son. Blake, you just can't keep a good plumber down. Thanks to the quick work of the mysterious and alluring Dr. Sally Dogg, cat clinician,

you've received competent first aid in medicine and you can roll 1d3 hit points. Fuck yes. So is he at zero right now? He's at one so you can get up to four hit points right now Let's do it in the the last peach pit We did that sort of behind the scenes show after the show will mention that he imagined Rachel Weiss as Dr. Dog which means I've been playing Francis completely wrong I say 1d3 1d3 3 oh, you know have four hit points. Yeah, congratulations. You're never gonna die

She's the best of what she does Francis you scooped out your dad's eyeball, dude. Bro. And that was where we last left off. We walked off. The door slammed shut. You find yourselves standing at the doorway of Dr. Sally Dog Cat Clinicians Cat Clinic. The sun is beginning to set, because it is time

for the third action of the day. We're not going to do sleep. No sleep. No wasting action on sleep. We're going to get disadvantaged on other stuff. If you won't get disadvantaged on this one, but starting tomorrow morning, I will start making you guys do constitution saving throws if you don't sleep. Yeah. Would you rather sleep now when everything's closed or in the morning?

We can do one all nighter. You can do an all nighter. That's what I'm saying. After the all nighter is when you start feeling bad. Right. So I'm saying we would have to fall asleep in the morning, so I would just do it now Yeah, well, but where your mansion I asked to my house is that free movement action that works Yes, without our families that were saying okay wait wait really quick huddle up huddle up. Okay? Wait, I mean get into Kelsey. That's not how Kelsey says it Hey everybody You have characters on this actual roleplay content

Hey guys come together I'm Kelsey why don't we all just chat about what we're gonna do next? Really quick. It's like I'm there. Okay, but we were trying to save our families, right? We have to pick up my brother and sister. No, that's right. Francis? We don't have to get my parents. There's no way my mom didn't know about what my dad was doing.

Okay, you don't want to get her? No, not at all. Okay. If we do stop by, I'll pop out for a second and I'll come back in. Okay, no, we're not gonna go. I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah, so can we get my family, please? Oh, so it's just you, Kelsey? Well, it's my family too, says Milton.

I've had a lot of adventure and I kind of want to go home. Yeah, I think we owe Kelsey a debt of honor. So yeah, can we go get... Now, to be clear, is this action going to take all night? I don't think so, but that's up to somebody else You know, I just gotta let things go the way God wills it and I look at will I don't know how long I'll take but it feels like we should be able to drive to a house and get somebody and they still sleep

And I like what you said about sometimes you should just let things happen. I'm just saying that if we see anybody else getting kidnapped, I'm not going to put all of our lives in danger to save them. I'm glad that's the lesson we took away from that. No, Trudy, what you did was really brave. And I think now more than ever, it's important that we care about people. Okay? You did a good thing. Maybe not the smartest thing, but you did a good thing maybe not the

smartest thing but you did a good thing and that's more important thank you so let's go yes let's get your family and Niles yes and if we need to I can drive you can all sleep no no no I'm old my stats are so bad that we should be using me for things anyways I'm gonna give you guys a little bit of a loose lead here okay within reason as long as it feels like enough that you could do in one night. I'm gonna allow okay So you guys want to go to let's get Raza and Niles, okay? We bring them the Blake's Mansion. That's the plan y'all load up in the van You're driving through the town as the Sun begins to set. Oh, there's a red storm rising

You guys like got the radio on no You guys like got the radio on no Would anybody like to listen to anything because right now it's just my thoughts up here, okay Yes, put on the radio, so you hear the end of I don't know chantilly lace going into the news He'll never die The news I like music and I change the channel all right you hear I don't want to listen to the news, I like music and I change the channel. Alright, you hear the latest- You know what? You know what?

There's anything I learned about my friend John Clark, which by the way I want to talk about real fast because I'm pretty sure he was there. But he always told me that in tactical situations like this, information is important. So in fact we should turn on the news. And I turned it back to the news. Welcome to NPR this is national peachyville radio nice nice sorry we're on the air hamburger national news tonight president peachyville

natural news is on you guys go out in peachyville yeah it was the only thing to replace the fireside chats after FDR stepped out. Alright, keep going. Sorry, sorry. We're excited. I love playing with you Willow, I'm very excited. I'm just in a good mood right now. I'm sorry, I'll let you go. Let's do it. Tonight's top story, the mysterious and baffling theft of a large supply of blood from Peachyville Hospital. Authorities are confused as to why only type A positive blood was stolen from the hospital this evening. Now on to sports. The Peachyville Pirates beat

the Nebraska noodles in noodle bowl. This person does not seem to know the sports. A study says that most people turn off the radio after they've heard the important piece of exposition they were supposed to hear. No, it was a kick-ass ending to the show. We go now to an interview with Pepper Pete, the pitcher for the PG-Foo Pirates. I wonder if he's related to Sneaky Pete. Pepper Pete, Trudy, I know it's a little soon, but he's a dish. He's a dish?

He's a dish. Pepper Pete, that was quite a game. Are you related to town child murderers, Sneaky Pete? Well, look, I'm really tired of getting asked this question. I hate it. Just, it doesn't really even seem to be based on anything other than that we have the same first name. I hope that the reporter asks if he's single. Many of our female listeners want to know if you are single pepper Pete well

You know I'm also really tired of getting asked this question. This is upset many times. I am married to Okay, so Blood does anybody have a positive blood. I'm on the list do I have a positive blood I can't remember I asked all of you Sorry, I thought you were doing that in a fun JRPG sort of way. Yeah. Such was my trap, Freddy. Now I get to search blood type.

No, well, I'm like, I did assume that you asked that question specifically for something with the episode. I was like, wow, what a fun persona-esque Japanese RPG thing. As you guys are turning down the radio, Milton says, type A positive blood, that's so weird, that's my mother's type of blood. Oh.

Milton, how do you know this? No, your mother's blood. I know lots about blood. I'm really into, you know, they say that blood determines a lot of your personality. So that's just something that I'm really interested in. Is your blood creepy as fuck? My blood isn't creepy.

I've got O negative blood, which is why I'm so confident, resilient, self-centered, and unstable. That does sound like somebody with O negative blood, which is why I'm so confident resilient self-centered and unstable. That does sound like somebody with O negative blood. Wait, I have O negative blood. Oh well that seems like all those things. You know I see you as a very resilient person Trudy. Trudy do you have blood? Trudy yes. Do you have blood Trudy? That's a good question. I'm a positive yeah. It's the Japanese art known as Ketsuki Gata, which is something that I'm really interested in. That's how I found out that, like for instance, my aunt Kelsey has B positive blood.

And- That's why she's so optimistic. That's why she's so empathetic, passionate, selfish and erratic. Oh my God, is that really what B positive blood means? Yes, it is. Wow. I have B positive blood.

Just described too bad. Okay, well that's nice, but I don't think that summarizes me. And I don't mean to be a stickler about this cause you know, I haven't written J yet, so I don't think that summarizes me and I don't mean to be stickler about this because you know I haven't written J yet so I don't know everything about Japan, but I do know that science is more true than art and I did do a little research on blood and I don't think what your blood is defines your personality. Well, blood starts with a B Kelsey, so surely you- I know, so I know a lot about it.

I mean a little bit, I plagiarized most of it. I read it though, and that's learning. Yeah. Well, your information, Kelsey I don't like disagreeing with you, but um the man who came up with the blood type personality theory Takeji Furukawa He's a scientist. He teaches at the Tokyo women's teacher school. Well, then he can't be wrong He teaches a bunch of women though, so Anyway, I just I don't know if any of you guys want me to tell you anything about your blood types I'd be happy to do it. Okay

That means it has the a antigen But they're not going after a B. So they must want the a antigen completely isolated Well, we don't even know who's stealing it, right? So, I don't know. Just thought it was an interesting Oh my god, watch out. Well, actually Milton can't say that. What are you saying child? Milton has a premonition and the BB goes oh oh my god watch out and as you are driving matt give me a drive Roll Matt. I swear to god you injure me bro. It just hit the brakes real hard Just do it it'd be the funniest thing to do that again. You don't remember this I fucking 75 on drive I stacked her on drive people always say this before they do a bad roll, and I love it

I know I know you just jinxed yourself in the next week No 52 you slam on the brakes well enough that you both stop the car and nobody inside gets thrown out the window. And you narrowly avoid hitting a young man in the middle of the road. Enemy contact. He's dazed.

He's soaking wet and he seems to be talking to himself. You recognize him as the headlights hit him that this is Sticky Rick, the boy who works at the local drive-in and was until Francis became a mass murderer, the second most bullied kid in Peachyville. That's right. Sticky Rick, the boy who works at the local drive-in and was until Francis became a mass murderer, the second most bullied kid in Peachyville. That's right. Sticky Rick, go home. He doesn't seem well.

Sticky Rick looks up at you for saying he has this glazed over vacant look in his eye, and he just says, I have to go. Oh, where are you going? On a trip. Where? Can't be late. And then he just starts walking off. Oh.

Okay. Trudy, I know you said that we should, do you, should we fall? No. Oh, okay, true. I know you said that we should do should we fall? No Well, I'm just saying that he has that look about him that the people do before they do wild things Yeah, I have to go. Okay on a trip, but I did a wild thing But we have to sleep. Yeah, I have to save my sister He's already fading off into the darkness. Okay. Okay do anything? Okay, so let's just keep going. Let's just keep discussing it until it's too late to do anything and then we can't feel bad

about not doing anything. I'm the one who knows to give it the best and I'm saying we go. I keep driving. Okay, he is gone. Oh, how awkward, he's going in the same direction we are. No. Oh gosh.

Yikes, no, I hate that. What street do you guys live on? C. No, you guys are, I mean look you're probably like what? D G Street will say we were just on G Street. Well, then it's a short drive Give me a cuz you're going pretty fast. I would imagine give me a I'm going to speed lip it you're going Dangerously you're paying attention. You're going fast. I imagine. John Kels is a good driver. 75. Give me a spot-hidden roll.

Just give me all the others. Anyone who's looking out the window. A nine. A nine. Wow. A super-duper success. OK, give me a drive roll to slam on the brakes again. A six.

Wow. A super-duper success. I saw and stopped. You hit the brakes perfectly to roll to a stop right on the windows where everybody can see it. And it is a lamppost with a poster on it. And on the poster is a photo of Francis Farnsworth. There's a note that says,

have you seen this boy? Wanted for questioning, contact Sheriff Shane Silva. The police usually don't put things out like that, do they? Well, they don't say contact a particular cop. Hey guys, I had an idea. Yeah, do you think this is about what you did Just like as long as I'm around you guys I'm putting you guys at risk if I stay around you partly because brutal but partly because who I am

So I was thinking uh, maybe I could just I could leave child. You need to chill out Yeah, I was wondering if I could speak to you. We're stopped, right? Yeah. Why don't we step- You can tell when we're stopped, right Trudy? Yes, it's just sometimes I feel like we're going. And so it's-

No, we're stopped. You're good, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. No, no, no worries. Tall Kelsey. I would just like to have a word with Francis if that's okay sure You can go in the kitchen Dormobile because it's like a whole house in here

You can also keep driving to your parents place and we can tell me I will stay up with you as we drive to your Parents okay, great be on the lookout for more signs. I guess I tell us more information that we have my peepers peeled We're driving. I have my peepers peeled. We're driving. I'm driving really slowly though. Kelsey, you know that. So the road noise isn't loud enough that we can't hear what's being said.

Francis, are you hungry? There's a kitchen here. I can make you something. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry? No, thank you. You remind me of my little boy, Timmy, and it's a good thing.

And it's because I think you're both sensitive. And I know that that's not what boys like to hear, but I think that makes you very brave to be sensitive. I'm a sensitive soul myself, and I think that sometimes sensitive people feel hurt, and it's easy to let that feeling kind of spread and really take hold of you. What I'm trying to say, Francis, is you are getting older and you have a choice to choose your power as a man, as a big strong man,

or your gentleness as somebody who is sensitive. And I hope that you make a good choice and I want you to know that we care about you. And that is it, I guess. You know what I felt when I took out my dad's eye? What? Not a fucking thing. I think I maybe used to be sensitive when I took out my dad's eye? What? Not a fucking thing. I think I maybe used to be sensitive when I first met you, but now I think I'm probably

more robot than you are because it didn't hurt at all. I would do it together. There's part of me that's like, I should have gotten the other eye and now he's just looking at one eye. It just, knowing who my family is and who I am now kind of put things into sort of a sharp relief. It's about saving the world and stuff and that's important, but my parents are monsters and that explains why I'm a monster and that's not going to change. That's who I am.

So for now, I'll be our monster for the stuff that we need to do unless you let me leave, which I think is still the ideal situation. But no, I think the die has already been cast. The choice was made for me by my parents when I was first born. You're so young, Francis. Thank you. And monsters, robots, who knows what's human anymore, right? Sorry I mixed the metaphor.

No, it's just, I think it's very human to feel the things you are feeling not that I would know maybe but Don't count yourself out yet You know what? I think I think that you and Kelsey and Blake are good people And I think you should get as far away from me as you possibly can Well too bad kiddo. We're right here Kelsey Francis might not be a good person. Yeah, well Blake, like... By the way...

That's what you took away from that conversation? If you can hear them saying that... No, we're whispering. I accept... We're whispering. We're whispering. You two give me a listen roll. Yep. But don't tell me what you got,

because I don't want Matt or Freddie to know before they start talking. Sure, sure. Okay. Kelsey? Yeah, Blake? Crazy conversation back there, huh? Yeah, I was gonna say, Trudy's doing great, but sometimes a young boy just needs a man to talk to him.

So why don't you just go up and maybe give him a little advice? I think that's a good idea. He's been through a lot. Hey, Blake, who the fuck is talking? It's me, Bebe. Remember your best pal? Ah, yes. When you get back there and you talk to Francis, hit him with this. Vis-a-vis us not abandoning him.

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. Do you know who said that? I don't remember what you just said now. I'm trying to remember it. I'll write it down for you, okay? Okay, yes. Please discord it to me so I can deploy it at the inappropriate time. And I wasn't listening, but I just want to say, Blakes can come talk to you and everything Trudy said I agree with if I heard it. And also, Francis, I'm-

You don't need to talk to me. This is the sum of all my fears is everyone- I'm just letting you know, it's fine. But you're a child and I'm the teacher and we're on a field trip and you don't get to leave the field trip until I say so. So you're not going anywhere and I'll keep driving. I go out to the back and I kind of give like a tag team like, Trudy, I will speak to the child. Oh, okay. Yes, go ahead. Ah Francis Trudy, this is you did a great job

I just think you know, Blake's is a man who's been through some things. Maybe France's been through some things I think we're gonna find out why Grown men should talk to young boys about their problems. Let's see how Blake does Kelsey aren't you tired of having men teach boys what- Every day Not all the time Instead of male podcasters interrupting the female podcasters Time Trudy I'm tired too and I

I don't know. I don't know. I hope that Blake says the right thing Well, the two of you are up here just know it's Milton That was good, I just can't help but you know as a young boy who's looking for role models And you know, I feel like I don't really see eye to eye with a lot of what big strong guys try to teach young boys Just never read good. So can I ask you guys like some questions about growing up and stuff like that would that be okay? Yeah, there'd be times Okay, cool That would be a good time to do that

Okay, no Milton you know what any times like I'm your aunt and any times a good time to ask me a question if you Want to ask me a question? Okay? Well my first question is kind of about girls, so let's get into that all right then we'll jump Francis like you have done much killing It's kind of about girls, so let's get into that. Alright, then we'll jump. Not to you too. Francis? Blake? You have done much killing. Uh, have I? I'm trying to remember. Not nearly enough, my Nere. Those are rookie numbers, you have to pump them up, y'all.

Yeah, I didn't kill Trudy's husband, and I didn't kill Shane's son. You must understand, in this world, sometimes we are tasked to do things that we need to do and they are perhaps to justifiable ends. There are bad people in this world, Francis, so you should not feel bad for hurting them, because in hurting them, you protect the ones you love. That's what I tell myself. I didn't scoop out my dad's eyes to protect the ones I love. I did it because I wanted to.

Yes, sometimes protecting the ones you love and also doing the things you want can go hand in hand in morally questionable ways. So are you saying I should just do whatever I want? No, Francis. You should punish the bad people and find them and live conscience free that you are doing the right thing unless well Okay, hold on Francis. How worried about both Blake and Francis? Hey, I just it tears my heart out to think about what these boys are going through Francis When you say you wanted to do it like how much put the percentage apparently a hundred because I did it Look, I feel like that we have two roads we can go down, right?

I was actually already thinking the same thing you were. Like, if I'm going to do monstrous things, I might as well lean all the way in and do it until the world is saved and then we can deal with me. Or I could just stop now before other people get hurt. Francis, sometimes this is not so cut and dry and easy. Sometimes you have to do things to protect yourself and to get through a tough time. I didn't have to do any of the things I did. I didn't have to shoot little Shane's leg off.

I didn't have to pull out the eye of the person that attacked Kelsey. I just thought it would be fun to hurt bad people. And at first it made me feel good and now it makes me feel nothing. Slow down, Francis. We need to back up a little bit. You blew what off who? It doesn't matter. And so basically, just what I'm wondering is,

you know how girls have a lot of hair on their head? Yes, Milton. But I noticed that a lot of them don't have hair on their legs. But boys have hair on their legs. So if a girl grows hair on her legs, would it grow forever like her hair on her head? Or would it stop like hair on boys? Yeah, women grow hair on their legs, Francis.

But they do? Yeah. That's not Francis. Francis, you're listening to this, right? This is important. You have the dating age. Yes, Milton, women grow hair too. Milton, does the hair on your legs grow indefinitely?

Yeah. Well, no, but I just- Yes, that's exactly, yes. Okay, well, thank you. I'm going to think more about some more questions and I'll write them down and ask you later. Perhaps one of you should talk to the child. I'll talk to the boy, Breve says,

and Bebe March is back there. And she says, Francis, hey, look at me. What? Look, I don't like you and I don't respect you that much. We don't get along and you're mean to me sometimes and you call me judgy and maybe I am because I'm judging you right now for being a jerk in

The past but those who I'm very famous man named Benjamin Franklin once said after he invented the gaming rocking chair that those who? Francis those who would give up Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase little temporary safety deserve neither Liberty nor safety So we're not giving up on you Francis You're part of this team and that's that and as she kicks you in the shin Well, you said you wanted to go away and then it would be better cuz you would be safer But I don't give two licks about that cuz you're part of the team That has nothing to do with liberty though

Well Arlo we don't deserve our liberty stop it You can do it as much as you want Trudy Kelsey I am truly afraid for Francis. He is exhibiting very, very dangerous qualities that I... You over here in the back quietly, I feel like I'm a clear and present danger to everybody. It seems like he's been doing a lot of really bad actions without remorse. So...

I think he's one of the great Patriot games, we stand up for my country, but... He is taking a same tact against all enemies, dead or alive. He's vicious. He's got like the teeth of a tiger. That's a book that- So as you say that, you arrive at your house. I just want to say something to us as a bowling team. Okay, yes. I say something to us as a bowling team. Okay. Yes, we are out to sea right now, and it is hard to tell whether we are

Waving or drowning and I think that we should all be each other's lifeboat and take care of each other because we're a team We're a team and we should act like a team. I love that Trudy. I quite agree I love that, Trudy. I quite agree. ["The Last Post-Credit Scene"] Okay, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. That's our sign. That's the sign for the soon-to-be-released. Double honk is I'm here and we're going out,

and triple honk is we gotta get out of here. See, you only did a double. Oh, honk. Pfft. Oh, no, no, no, that's two and one. Now you have to do the honk code to cancel the previous one. The two honks and one honk is actually I'm honking. Just get out of the fucking van.

I want to tell you guys, this is my team, so I just want you to know that me and my sister, we have a little thing. So two honks and then a honk is I have a boy in the car and I'm honking. In one world is Kelsey trying to advertise the fact that she's having a boy. Yeah, how would that help you in any way? But then when I do the third honk, that means actually don't come out, I need some extra time. But then Dad thinks that I'm honking for my sister to come out. It seems like the easiest way to make somebody not come outside is to not honk at all. Is someone coming up to the car like, I'm going to use the car? Oh no, I don't see my sister driving sex in this car.

She better honk the horn. I wasn't having sex, mister, whoever milted. I didn't say that. What are you gonna make me for? Okay, anyways, let me do the cancel. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. Now she knows it's canceled. Now what I do next is what's actually happening.

Honk, honk, honk, honk. It's in the middle of the night also. Maybe you shouldn't have been honking the whole time. Shut the fuck up! From across the street. Well, I don't care about that person. Kelsey, do you have a duress code? No, I just did the triple honk.

They're coming now. Don't worry. No, but do you have a duress code? A duress code? A code that you use when you are under duress to signal to your opposing? The only cause we have our honking so that we can make out in cards with our boyfriend who were kids But I had a childhood too and I had some fun in school, okay? So while you were having fun in school, men were dying across the seas.

I know. We get told about it a lot. There's no response when you honk. Even the triple honk, even the cancel honk, and then the triple honk. There's no response from inside. Oh god, it's never taken this long once I do the triple honk, especially since I had the time with the cancel honk. Cause when I do the double honk and the single honk, you know she would have been at least looking to be like,

oh my God, it's been 30 years since she's done the single honk. She's done the double single. She's probably wondering what's happening, but she didn't come out. Oh my God, okay, something must have happened to Rosanna. I think you should exercise your command authority and get out of the car and go see if there's anything going on.

Well, Kelsey, remember my dad's out of town, so it's just my mom there. So hopefully nothing happened to my dad, right? Well, no if your dad's out of town, that's good. Ah, very good. Send the child. No, okay I will go see if Roz is- No, I want to come too because I'm so you gotta be scared now. Oh yeah, it's your mom, of course. Okay, so Milton holds your hand. Keep the car running. Keep the car running. Keep it locked on. Is that a book? That one? Yeah, it was a book. Is that a pure Tom Clancy book or? One of the post Tom Clancy. Post, he needed somebody else to write Larry Bond books. I'm just looking at publication order of Jack Ryan universe books. John Clark is P.G. Mills' only gay couple and he is married to Larry Bond.

Jack Ryan. Sean and Jack. Oh, they're just very good friends. And go the door. The door is open. Well, they're just very good friends. I go the door. The door is open. OK, everybody, the door is open. I'm going in, but I need other people with me too. We got to search the house.

Francis gets out and follows you and you come up. OK, I go in, and I use spot hidden really well the whole time. OK. I'm spamming spot hidden. I'm spamming spot hidden. You guys all going into the house? Yes.

Well, but someone needs to keep the car running, Bibi. Wait, the car kinda runs on its own. Just keep it running. Okay. Do I need to be here to keep it running? No, you can come in. You can come in. I don't really know how to drive a car. Everybody, show my sister! My sister's in trouble! Bibi, I think you should watch the car so that nobody steals it.

Good. Okay, yes. Okay, good. Yeah, I'll watch the car. Okay, great. You got it. I got 94 on Spot Hiddens and I failed my Spot Hiddens. I'm just running into the house. Okay. I turned on the light. I'm still can't see. I'm blinded with concern for my sister. Okay, so as you enter the house, the first thing you notice is the ground is wet as you

step in. Like there's a splash on your foot. I look down, is it blood or water? It's water. It's like we're in a submarine, a guided tour inside a nuclear war. She never leaves your house. I know! I know, my god!

I'm broke! Anthony, I've been on the Wikipedia for the Tom Clancy bibliography under the nonfiction heading and then all of his guided tour, nonfiction books. I was like, no way we're getting one of these in. I was looking at fighter wing, a guided tour of an air force combat wing 1995, but you managed to drop submarine, a guided tour inside tours on nuclear warship 1993. Holy shit Oh, you're all having fun talking about Tom Clancy rise never leaves for water on the floor. So something's wrong Where is she? Well maybe somebody just left a sink or shower running.

Anybody that's not Ross, that would be a problem. Cause that means there's somebody in the- She's not having an affair. She's not having an affair. But she did. Well I'm just saying, who else would be in the house? Hey sorry, really quick. I wanna know what happened to my sister.

Matt, we have to stop the story for this Tom Clancy. We do need to stop the guns for this. The Tom Clancy's Ops Center series. Anthony. That's Corrid. That was ghost written entirely. It was kind of like a young adult where Tom Clancy was like, I gotta get the kids into my world.

But real quick, tell me that you don't detect something a little strange happening. In about the year 2018 onwards when they wrote for honor God of War Call of Duty and fall out Same op center back man. They're still around a lot of those are Ubisoft games to be fair I'm surprised they haven't done Assassin's Creed yet. Okay, anyway. He should write a Rabbids book. He's dead.

He's dead, you know. The ground is soaking wet. You hear in the distance like the sound of a ruptured pipe burbling. Deduced from that which you heard. Sounds like a job for a plumber. Oh yeah, Blake. Yeah, you immediately recognize

the telltale sound of a burst pipe. A pipe is burst in here, we must act quickly. Yeah, toy my sister. To limit the water damage to the underlying structure. It's too late. The mold issues could be catastrophic. Roz! You guys are just running through the house.

You follow the right road. I wanted to turn on the light, or at least try the light. When the lights throw them on, you realize that there's like upturned furniture. It looks like there was a big struggle in this house. There's also like just a- She never leaves her furniture upturned. Hahahaha!

There's also like this overwhelming like rancid stench in here. It's like rancid barbecue sauce mixed with like shit and piss and it just smells awful. It smells like uphottie in here. Trudy, what is uphottie? Oh my gosh, what's up with you? Why is everyone making jokes? My sister! Kelsey, you need to find your sister.

Yes. Francis, quickly help me find the source of this water leak. Okay, you fixed the water. That's nice. You know what? I will find my sister. I'm not worried about that. And she would love it if her house didn't have water damage. Francis, we get to charge time and a half because this is a house call. I want to run into the basement. Okay, you're going to run into the basement? Yeah. Okay, you're gonna run to the basement. Yeah, okay

You're following the water to the burst pipe. Yes, who's going where I'll go upstairs Okay, you're going with them So the three of you run into this bathroom and the toilet has just exploded like something is Blasted out of this thing Kool-Aid man. All right, who did it? And the room itself has just been sort of destroyed? There's like sewage and like viscous goo just says sort of ruptured out of this pipe This stench is overwhelming fact everybody give me a constitution saving throw do I get an advantage because I'm a plumber I think it would have seen something like yes, you get a bonus day

25 I got a 57 70 and I got a 45 I succeed I have a 50 and I got a 57. 70, and I got a 45. I succeed. I have a 50, and I rolled a 16. OK, so yes, Frances, you drop to your knees and throw up. There, there, child. Give me. It's good to know I can react to something still. Everybody give me a spot hit and roll. Man, I wish we had Kelsey. I critically fail.

Yeah, you can't see anything other than your own peep on the ground. 21 out of 33, I pass. I fail. You fail. All right, so then Blake, with your keen plumber eyes, you recognize, like again, there's this goo. There's this water running around.

Under the water, you see these like sharp puncture marks in the ground, almost like the legs of a big insect have just pierced into the ground. And you realize that there's a sort of muddy trail leading through the house as well, like from these marks. This is a problem. What do you see? The toilet went in reverse. Usually, Trudy, the bad things go down into the pipes and are gone forever, out of sight, out of mind.

But here in this case it appears an insectoid creature has come out of the toilet and is now stalking around the house. I recommend we leave immediately. The Dollmaker! That must be what it is! You are familiar with this creature? Yes, it's an alien and he makes goo! Ah, we need to leave right now! The trail of this thing, if you sort of track it with your eyes, it is heading downstairs and you realize that it headed into the basement. Where we now find Kelsey.

Oh no! With Milton and BB who have gone downstairs with you. It's pitch dark I'm pushing Milton around in front of me. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I got them behind me. Okay, so it's pitch dark down here You guys the stench is not so bad. Okay stay at the top of the stairs you two don't come down here Are you sure it seems like a kind of pretty dangerous situation? You'd be right there in case something happens to me. Let me check if it's safe first, okay Okay, come back soon Kelsey. Well, yeah, you can see me. It's not this base. I'm not that real dark down there I've been in the basement. So I reach up to pull the bulb. Okay, great

I want a little bulbs. They pull the string, you know the light flicks on and There's some stuff knocked over like someone was running down here in a hurry. I roll spy him. What'd you get a seven? Okay, great super duper you see the same trail of sort of sharp puncture marks They're covered in like a dirt like a sort of like almost looks like soil You notice something in the soil of one of them It just happens to catch your eye kind of catches the light and it's like this little white strand Almost like hair or silk a little thread and you notice that there's a couple of them in these marks as you're looking at them I want to look at that hair slash thread. Okay, now that it is hair or thread

It doesn't time to play hair It's organic like it's not like a fabric I guess hair could be used as thread It's just a little white thing right If you want to give me an education role to see if it was like Ross's hair or something. No it's not Ross's hair. If you want to give me an education roll to know what it is. Fuck yeah I do. 74 but I think my edu is 80. So.

Okay. You remember maybe the chapter on arachnids? What you realize is that it's corn silk. Corn silk? Corn silk. Like when you suck up corn in your corn. That shit that gets in your tea. Ross never leaves corn so far around.

She keeps a clean house! And it wouldn't be in the basement even if she was! As you make this realization, you hear bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang You're going to the closet you rip the door open. I rip the door open is you rip the door open You see your sister Roz in the closet Roz. Oh my god. You're okay. I have to go on a trip Can't be late. Oh, no, okay. I have to go and she starts walking past okay Can't be late help everybody Roz is here and whatever is happening to the others is happening to her. Mom is that you? Mom?

Mama what's wrong with my mom? What's wrong with my mom? I don't know Milton. Whatever is happening to everybody else is happening to your mom but we have her. It's the doll maker. It's his venom. Yeah. Oh.

You think he's poisoning them? He does mind control. So we need a large dose of his venom to find the antidote obviously for Timmy but this will also probably help everybody else that's been in, right? Can I check, Roz, do I see any punctures or bite marks or venom? Yes, so this is an easy check. You just see there's a big sting mark on the back of her neck. As you run to hug her, you feel this welt on her neck.

Yeah, Trudy, I think, yeah, it looks like she got it. Kelsey, is this who we are supposed to rescue? Yes, this is my sister, Roz. I have to go, I have to go. Very good, I get her into a rear rescue? Yes, this is my sister, Ross. I have to go, I have to go. Very good, I get her into a rear naked choke. No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You can just tie her. Let her go. What? Let her go and we'll follow her

to where she's going, that's where the doll maker will be. I was thinking something similar, but we won't let her go, Frances. We will, I don't want to put her on a leash, but you know. We have a dog leash upstairs. Yeah. Oh God, where's Fiddles? Fiddles? Oh, Fiddles.

I can't care about another animal. I'm so sorry. Bark, bark, bark, bark. This little yippy dog, Fiddles, runs up and starts looking melted. He's like, Fiddles, oh my god, boy, I missed you so much. I was so scared. I haven't seen you in so long.

And he hugs him. Fiddles, you're going to be a good boy. You're going to guard this house, right? Right, good boy? Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. Because I don't think we can take you with us. Because it's going to be a lot of retruda if we take you with us. You hear marbles go...

See, Marbles doesn't like him! Shhh! Hmm... Kelsey, if this is who we want to save, I can choke her out and we'll bring her? No, we don't need to choke her out. She seems to really want to go somewhere. Blake, Blake, if she struggles or finds a way to break free and is like running really fast to get away from us,

then you have permission to choke her out. But if she's just doing this, like kind of walking all slow, then I think we can handle it. Sticky Rick was walking really slow. I don't see any reason she'd start running. Well, I suppose we should find a rope. Tell you what, Roz, we will take you where you need to go. Just come into the car with me. I have to go. Yeah,, we will take you where you need to go. Just come into the car with me.

I have to go. Yeah, we're going to take you where you need to go. Can't be late. I have to go. Bibi, position the car. What? Position the car. I'm outside. Position.

You told me to wait in the car. You guys are in the basement. I hear vague rumbling out there. We're coming out. We're all coming out now. Bibi, position the car so that the back door opens straight into the line of the front door. Okay, Bibi's going gonna make a drive roll. BB, I swear to fucking God.

BB, if you can't back this thing up. 34, she backs into the mail post and knocks it over. I really don't know how to drive! You don't need to drive. It's fine, yeah. Ross is pretty pliant right now. Pliable? Pliable.

Right? She's doing what we want. So I'm moving her. I'm moving my sister into the car. She's just walking for it. If you guys are just sort of nudging her. Well, she's in the car. We've all decided our next action shall be used for sleep so To my house into your house Blake. Yes I think we get sleep right Francis and then we can follow Roz to where the dollmaker is because we do it

We should take him shifts watching Roz is because if we do it we should take him shifts watching Roz to make sure she doesn't get away. Oh don't worry. Because she's not going to sleep. Yeah well tie her up. I know but I mean we're not gonna be mean about it. This will be a nice little home. Okay. So as you guys are driving the car it's almost like she's being pulled in one direction and as you drive in a different direction to get to Blake's house she just becomes more and more distressed. She's like I have to go damn be late I have to go I have to go I have to go she's just like banging her head against the window just like Slamming herself and pounding on us Choke her out. Oh, yes, very good. I go over and I rear naked joke

The arteries coming up through the neck a textbook rear naked Like combat role it's not really combat. Yeah roll for something. It's really just what do you want to roll? What do you want to roll hot shot power? I? Mean there's a technique do what I mean Everybody can do this most people can't do To break it to you buddy, but with enough power you don't need technique. Well, you kill her if you have too much. Yeah, you would snap her neck. No, no, no, no.

Alright, give me a roll. Don't do it hard. Oh, 72 out of 60. Do you want to burn some luck on it? 12 luck's a lot of fucking luck. No, don't burn the luck. Okay, I will do my fighting brawl. Mm-hmm.

Be like, okay. She's the slippery one. No. I have to go. Can't be late on a trip. I have to go on a trip. I got a 50. My fighting brawl is 60hmm okay he's a slippery one no I have to go can't be late on a trip I have to go on a trip I got a 50 my fine brawl 60 okay great so I just you just choke on your plate that's an illegal boxing hold okay I tie her more thoroughly I guess like more closely like a hog die and also okay we need her not to be hitting her head Milton Milton? Yes? Go get your helmet.

My helmet, oh, from inside? Yeah, go get your helmet. Can someone help me go get my helmet? Bebe's like, yeah, I'll help you, Bill, let's go. Both of you go get a helmet, I guess. Hurry up in there. All right, they come back with a child-sized helmet and then a couple of pillows

because Bebe thought that would be better. Ooh, good idea, okay, yes. I put the helmet on Ross's head, I tie the pillows to the helmet, and then I tie her helmet to two different points in the car. So she's like really stuck in there. So she can get truly well and decapitated. She's a car-kid into an accident.

Look, if we get in a car accident, none of us are coming out good. Okay? In fact, she's probably the safest. She's the only one wearing a, hey, you know what? Maybe some sort of rope attached to people in a car Cuz like to your point I think if we got a car accident what happened to you Blake you're right I wouldn't happen to Ross. I flew out the front windshield, but that wouldn't happen to Ross What it ah you're right if she was somehow restrained in the car. Perhaps. She is the safest one in here

We should all have seat helmets seat the car, perhaps she is the safest one in here. We should all have seat helmets. Seat helmets? Every helmet? Ah, that's a great idea, Kelsey. Every seat has a helmet that is attached by rope to the frame of the car. Cut to 15 years later.

Local teacher Kelsey Grammer was sent to prison for killing hundreds of people by installing helmets that stay in the same place when you crash your car, snapping dozens of necks across the globe. Okay, so she was tied up. Yes. And we're driving to Blake's house, right? Yes, so you're driving to Blake's house.

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Oxio dot C-A, and get one month free at checkout with promo code daddy. As you crest onto the poshest street in town, it's got those like, you know like one of the real pretentious street has those like old-timey street lamps on it true LA heads know that the rich neighborhoods got those fucking wide-ass streets You know I mean like it's one of those big like freeways San Marino Ash fucking streets the big oak trees are really beautiful the ups truck double parks. There's still room for three cars Yeah, and everybody's got a fucking driveway and a garage anyway so why is the fucking

intimate space? It's just to make it less houses there. Yeah oh yeah sure. Welcome to L street. Blake why don't you paint the picture of your abode as we pull up to it. So as you drive up there's like a raw iron gate that as we approach I like lean over there's like a little intercom system. Oh my god. And I go uh yes sir. It's me open the gate. Very good, sir Then I'm so I really was gonna come up with like a new take on the Butler and I was like You sometimes you just gotta go with the part of me was just happy. It wasn't a German accent. I Thought maybe I'd taken somebody He's never knew what Blake was saying he has a swastika cut I'm going to give you something you can take off and we pull into the driveway and there's just in

front of you this gigantic three-story classic just massive mansion. Wow. I pull up to it. Ah this is the guest house and we turn around and then around it in the back And we turn around and then around it in the back Is an even bigger Four story mansion. Ah, here we go The servants quarters my house is just And then we get to my house and it's like smaller than the other one He's one of those billionaires as you know

Cosplay as a middle-class don't worry it goes ten floors under the ground Hey Warren, it's your cousin John Buffett. You know that the house you've been looking for Well, I'm so excited. What's your sleep mechanic is gonna be like the classic fade to black and little like JRPG So you pull up to the house. I am mighty tired. I'm mighty tired. The door swings open and Ambruster opens the door and says, Mr. Lively, you've returned. Ambruster, where is the rest of the staff? I sent them home after you disappeared and you weren't around,

so I just let them have the day off. Mmm. Fair. How many people live in your servants' quarters? Ah, it's full. What does that mean? I wasn't asking, I was, how many? I lose track. Mm-hmm. How many people live in your servants quarters? Ah, it's full Asking how many I lose track currently we have 15 people on the staff There's the cook the cook's assistant the cook's assistant's assistant The chef de cuisine the lawyer the lawyer the butler's lawyer. That's my lawyer. He's on retainer There's the maid the maids woman the chief physician although that's really me

I work a double shoot the librarian of course the groundskeeper the huntsman the exterminator Three people that play tennis with exterminator aka theator, aka the accountant, who does our books. And then there's... Three friends. My spliff roller. There's the young local lad who rolls Mr. Lively's cigarettes. And how many left do I have, young man?

Two more. And then there's of course me and Mr. Lively. Oh, yes! Wow! And Blake, you do your own plumbing. I think that is so brave. Yes, it's very important that the plumbing is right in these houses. Blake, I have a question. Yes? Why do you still plumb?

Ah, you see, it gives me the common touch and I do like seeing inside people's houses. The common touch? What do you... What does that mean? I just wonder like sometimes where their bathroom is. When you look at the house, you don't know where the bathroom is. And only upon entering the house do you see the layout and the truth of the layout with regards to bathroom placement is laid bare and manifest before you. My lord Blake Lively is very passionate about the layout of homes. He's written many pieces of Witten wisdom on the subject in his upcoming manuscript.

What's the title of his most popular one? Clear and Present Toilets, a Guide to Plumbing by Blake Lively. Commodes, a guided tour of the American bathroom. Will your guests be requiring sleeping accommodations this evening, sir? Yes, and also some kind of secured room for the lady here. Oh dear, this young woman seems to be in much distress. Yes, we can't, she's... You okay?

Sorry, I... I think your bother's melting. I have, I recover from certain ailments and sometimes it affects the manner of my speech. Feels like I'm constantly locking in my accent. You don't have any security? Why would I need security? I am the security madam. Oh, okay.

I have your security right here and I flex a little bit. Okay, you're very strong, Blake. I think we need to bring this. This is my sister, Roz, and you can tell she is under some sort of duress and... I'm going on a trip. Did you? Somebody's brainwashing her. Are these people a doctor? Yes. This is my doctor yes yes my Butler and doctor that's right okay there's

somebody called the doll Trudy what is the dollmaker has venom yes the doll maker is an alien captured second you say that like he looks at you Blake look fuck why should be a normal person who just really wants to see the inside of people's houses like me well I'm a. You know just to kind of get you into our wacky world of what's going on. Indeed, madam. Yes, and um the dollmaker is an alien captured by Project Heartland. Indeed, madam. But it escaped.

I see. And it's venom. As you're saying this he's like kind of guiding you to like a seat and pouring you tea. Just like making sure you're okay. Oh, you got a painting couch. And it's venom. Indeed, madam. It coats brains, making them more suggestible.

My brain is actually coated in the doll maker's venom. I see. But there's a difference. Most intriguing. There's a barrier between robot and brain. And sometimes I wonder, like when I was talking to Francis earlier about him scooping his father's eye out with an ice cream scoop

I was in my head I was wondering if only there were not a cool barrier between my Robotness and my brain and I was more heart, but that's neither here nor there We have a problem Ross has been injected with the doll makers venom and she just needs to be safe That's all that concerns you and Blake here. Well, also if you're a doctor, you can check her out and see if maybe there's an antidote to the venom. Indeed.

Well, that all sounds like you've had a rather taxing evening. Chastity, the maid woman, shall show you to your quarters if you wish to adjourn and recover your constitution. Chastity! Yes. That even older woman going,

hey, what's all this, Dad? Oh, hi, Chastity. Oh, my goodness, yes, come this way. Long time no going, Hey, what's up, Mr. Stan? Oh, hi, Chester. Oh my goodness, yes, come this way. Long time no see, Chester. Oh, Kelsey. You bingo gal. Oh yes, I recognize you from the parlour, Domingo. How's it going?

It's going quite well. I didn't know you worked here. I didn't know you worked for Blake. You look a bit Monty Python sketch. Come this way, I'll show you to your quarters. Very nice. As she does that, Ambister turns to you, Freddy. And I turn to Ambister and I'm like, we're in for another hard one, my man.

And then we predator high five. Lock and load, my man. Indeed, sir. Shall I batten down the hatches as we did in Prague that one time, sir? Yes, indeed. This is going to be a hairy one, I can tell. Indeed. Just like Anakin and Obi-Wan in that elevator talking about their

As you know I for the time you saved my life I owe you a butler life debt forever in your charge Okay, so does now sleep it's sleep. There's no mechanic for this It's just who wants to go to sleep the other thing you can do pick a little reading material before you go to bed. You all got books about We have disadvantage if we don't sleep I will let you read your book and go to sleep if you want to go to sleep We're putting the book under the pillow help you absorb the information inside of it. Yes. Okay. Hey We can read our books? No, you can just sleep on them!

I think Mechanically is going to function the same. I think either way, we're going to learn what's inside the books. I will say that's a secret ability Trudy has, is if she sleeps on her books, you'll be able to absorb it. Oh, like different classes! I love this fucking asymmetry mode gameplay! I should have picked the robot class. If I had known that you could fucking sleep on books and absorb it That's the thing about the robot classes like it seems weaker at the beginning But once you start doing sleep more often as the game

Really snowballs that mechanic really snowballs with the book knowledge learning stopper will nerf it So we'll say that ambusters because he's got the most sleep out of anyone has Volunteered to stand guard on Roz's room to make sure she doesn't escape anymore. Oh, I put, I keep Roz in my room. Oh, okay, great. I'm not letting Roz out of my sight. Okay. And she's tied to the bed, and I feed her.

She's tied, where are you sleeping then? What? What do you feed her? Human food. She's human food. I don't like it. Why do you say it like that? Why? It's not bad. You're thinking about it because it's weird if I'm doing it.

But remember, I'm playing a character named Kelsey. And Roz is my sister, okay? Roz is my sister. Yeah, he's just playing a woman, calming down a hysterical woman who can't get away from her. And she's been brainwashed by an alien, and we have to keep her tied up so that she doesn't walk to her own death.

But her humor needs- Her humor's out of sorts. She still needs food and water. So I'm taking care of her like a good sister. So I feed her whatever the food the butler brings me. Okay, yeah, he brings you some munches. I didn't think it was gonna be a big sandwich. Yeah, some, you know, some group.

And then I look at my sister, I go, Panini. Don't worry, Ross, we're gonna get through this one. And then I open my brother's diary. Okay, we'll start there. Page one. All right, I cannot. I know she's my sister, but All right Kelsey okay your brother's diary tell Oh my god. Alright Kelsey.

Okay. Your brother's diary tells- Stepbrother! I found out that Kelsey and I are adopted. We're not actually married. Page two. Your brother's diary tells the strange tale of his experiences in World War I and beyond. The early entries are all fairly mundane. Details of life in the Trenchery, camaraderie-

Not mundane to me. I like hearing about my brother's little life. Details trenchery, camaraderie with his fellow soldiers, etc. But throughout he dreams of that day he went off to war and the day you warned him of his death at the Battle of Cantigie. He chalked it up to a bad case of nerves from his beloved sister at the time, until his division was called up to take the French town of Cantigie on May 28th, just like you had said. During the battle he foresees a deadly ambush and saves the life of his unit. John is commended for his bravery, but he can't help but be utterly unnerved by the experience, and that's when things take a turn for the truly strange. On the night before every major action his unit is involved in, he has another dream of you warning him of his impending death.

A grenade at Passchendaele, artillery fire on the 100 Days Offensive, sniper fire and a risky night raid at the San Quentin Canal. And sure enough, in the next day's fighting, those moments come to pass that he's able to cheat death again and again. Over time, Jon makes a disturbing realization. These aren't visions of the future, they're memories of the past.

He did die in those battles over and over again. You did warn him, changing his fate again and again. How did you know? What does it mean? John's not the only one to take notice of his strange run of good fortune. Ward gets out first around his unit, then his division, and finally, Ward gets around to the men in white lab coats from an obscure branch of the military intelligence division. They find his case to be extraordinary. After an initial battery of tests, they postulate all manner of theories with staggering implications for quantum physics, relativity, and of course, the strategic goals of the United States military.

They tell John they want to study him further. There's just one catch. His very existence will become top secret. He can't return home to his family. He'll be one of the countless soldiers who go missing in action in wartime. John wrestles with the decision for days and days. He can barely stomach the idea of never seeing his family again. But like he always does when he faces a tough moment, he finally asks himself, what would Kelsey do? You were always the brave one, always the curious one,

always the one who wanted to know more about the way the world works. So he takes their deal. He becomes classified property of the US government and he hopes in his final journal entry before being whisked away to God knows where that someday his choice will make you proud. Damn, dude. Johnny, I never would have left my family.

But he's alive. Okay. And he's adopted. I guess the government can use my hot body for science. No touch. I'm property the government can use my hot body for science. No touch, I'm property the government. So Trudy, as you doze off on your gently used. I'm saying, God bless Kelsey, God bless Francis, God bless Blake, God bless Bebe, God bless my Timmy. Milton, you forgot Milton.

Under your bed. Before you hear from the wall next to you. And, um, Milton and, um... And now I'm going to bed and I'm reading my Dollmaker file. I hope it doesn't give me nightmares. You open up this dossier and amidst the tropes of reports, chemical analyses, and the like, you're able to glean the following information. The Dollmaker is the apex predator of a distant planet called Lanyulos. It appears to have traveled from its homeworld and made North America its hunting grounds

sometime in the late 1600s. It received its name from the way that it turns its prey into living dolls by stinging them with a nerve agent that renders them extremely open to psychic suggestion. It evaded capture for centuries, owing to its high intelligence, preternatural stealth abilities and nigh indestructible armored carapace. Its chitinous exoskeleton has one weak point, a nerve cluster in its skull that operates as a multi-sensory organ akin to sight, sound, and smell rolled all into one. For unknown reasons, it will only seek out human prey with type A-positive blood.

It may attack and dismember people with other blood types, but it will not consume them. You learn that Project Heartland's chief xenobiologist suspects that the dollmaker travels the cosmos under its own biological power by wings that warp spacetime around them, and it carries a large supply of food with it, similar to a dung beetle, to sustain itself on intergalactic voyages. And then you have Spooky Nightmares about him. Oh man.

Got him. Why did he program me to have Spooky Nightmare? Francis, you have your book on cursed guns. Are you going to crack it open? I think Francis is so full of adrenaline and like just stress that he probably sits on his bed and sort of stares into the middle distance for like two hours until his body finally makes him fall asleep. Francis as you fall asleep. I fall asleep on the book so that all the knowledge still goes into my brain. Oh yeah were you spec'd as a robot class?

Do you want to read the book though in that case? No. Okay you haven't gone to sleep yet and you're looking at the wall and You hear a voice behind you and goes hey Phil I haven't seen you there for a while and you realize it's the voice of sneaky Pete and if you turn around He's not there He's once again behind you despite the fact that you turned around to look at him and you quickly realized that You are in fact dreaming you are dreaming a sort of photorealistic dream about the room that you thought you were awake in. How you doing buddy?

I haven't seen you in a while. I haven't seen you out in the astral realm. Yeah. Why are you here? Well, you know, it's rare that you meet someone else who has the gift and I thought I'd see you flying around. You know how to do it, right? Yeah.

You do? Well, you're not doing it much, so I just want to check in, see how you're doing. It seems like you got a lot on your mind. Most people don't dream weird little dreams about a room that they're sitting in, unless they did something real fucked up You some fucked up buddy. I want to wake up dream Francis slaps himself as hard as he possibly whoa whoa hey

What are you doing buster? What are you doing? He does it again look man? I just want to talk to you okay, can you and then as you slap yourself the third time your hand gets caught and stops and it freezes and You feel it's right where that spiral is on your arm and it begins to sizzle and you realize it's being grabbed by the hand of one of those shadow figures that stalked you the last time you were in this realm. And you see this thing, this sort of blurry shape

holding you and it looks past your shoulder to Sneaky Pete and you hear the voice of your mother say, leave us and then Sneaky Pete and you hear the voice of your mother say, leave us. And then Sneaky Pete just vanishes. And the shadows shift and shape around. The figure lets go of your hand. And you see your mother now sitting beside you on the bed. I think this won't make for great audio, but I think that Francis would just stare at her

with a mixture of confusion and disappointment and rage. I don't think he'd be able to bring himself to say anything. I spoke to your father. So it's going to be like that, huh? It's going to be just silence. OK, well, then you can sit here while I talk and then you can have control of your dream again. Francis, you're a young boy. I'm not going to apologize for keeping things from you.

That's my right as a parent to tell you things that are good for you to hear and to protect you from things that are bad for you to hear. And- Do I have Bruggenhilde with me in the stream? Sure, yeah. I tried to shoot her. There's a lock on it, buddy.

Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. Bruggenhilde says, oh, so now you want me, now you want me. And then your mother looks at the gun and says, shut up. And then Bruggenhilde says, oh, now you want me, now you want me. And then your mother looks at the gun and says, shut up. And then Bruggenhilde just goes quiet. Says, son, your father and I love you. We know what is best for you.

And it is not up to you to make this decision about your future. You are going to become the vessel of Zuzele. Do I make myself clear? I'm going to kill you. OK, well, that's just juvenile, Francis. I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to kill dad, and then I'm going to kill myself. And then well that's just juvenile, Francis. I'm going to kill you and I'm going to kill dad and I'm gonna kill myself and then we'll be done. This fucked up shitty bloodline will come to an end after we save the world and it'll be fine.

This is just, every boy goes through this phase where he resents his parents and he hates what they're doing and you know, I understand that your father and I want you to grow up and be a brave, strong man who could make his own decisions But you are not that man yet. You are still a boy You do not understand what is best for you and we know what is best for you So I am telling you right now that this is the program and you're gonna march to it young man There is one thing I understand Which is that dad doesn't have depth perception anymore. Oh boy your dad, you know, he's such a softie and He sees this side of him in you. He's always the one who wanted to be lenient with you. I've always thought you responded to a firmer hand more than the soft touch.

So here's how it is, Francis. You see this mark on your hand and she points to the spiral. That's called a glyph. That's how when your father and I need to track someone in the astral realm, we burn them with this glyph and then we know where they are when we are flying through the cosmos we can track them down which is now I know right now you are Blake Lively's house over on Elstreet which is how the squad of armed men that are now

surrounding this house know where you are so here are your options young man you can either come outside on your own right now and accept the plan, the program that your father and I have worked very hard to set out for you to make sure that you can survive and thrive or you can stay in there and die with your friends. If you leave with us that'll be it. We will leave them alone. I frankly don't give a shit about what happens to them. You can come with us or you can be responsible for all of them dying. So what would you like to do? I want to wake up. That's not an option. I'm your mother You need me to do that in real life. No matter what Francis. I have a tough time trusting you right now

I will exit the house alone. Are you lying to her? No, okay young man I'm gonna trust you but remember if you've pulled some funny business I have no problem watching as those men drag you out of their kicking screaming. Okay? Okay. She snaps her fingers and you wake up It's the middle of the night. I'm gonna sneak into Kelsey's room and steal the key to the lock on Brunhilda unfortunately, mm-hmm in the last episode mm-hmm Trudy ate it. Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm gonna go to Trudy You didn't come to me, the plumber. Okay, you go to Trudy's room? Yeah.

Trudy is asleep on her book, which she absorbed the information from. And the key's inside her robot body. Yeah. Have I seen the mole that opens her up? Yeah, I think so, yeah, we can say that. Then I press that mole. So her- Hello?

Yeah, she's like, hi. I mean, I don't want to get weird about this, but like she's wearing clothes. So like you see this plate on her chest pop open a little bit and it stretches against her clothes and then Trudy wakes up. Oh, hi. Did something happen?

Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just need the key. What's wrong? I just need the key real quick. Real quick, I don't believe you. I'll give it back to you. I don't believe you what do you need it for? No I really will. Tell me what you need it for. I'm gonna get the lock off of Brunehilda. Why would you need to do that Francis? I don't really have time to explain. Currently this

house is surrounded and there's one way I can make sure that you guys don't die in the process. All I need is the key. I'm going to leave the house on my own, but I'm not going to go with them. I promise. With who? The Project Heartland people. They can track me through their dreams. How? Because of the thing on my arm. My family can astral project. We're weird. Oh, it's a weird far north monster thing.

You know what? You're talking to robot lady here. So I get all about weird. And you understand why I need to get this gun unlocked. Blake's house is really surrounded? Yes. Okay. So you want the key? Yeah. I'm going to take the key. I'm gonna wake the others and we'll get help and we've got a staff of 15 people-

That won't work. They'll attack. They're going to attack the second they know all of you are awake. This is the one moment we have where I can surprise them rather that they can't ambush you. I'm going to be okay. They need me alive for the whole project, so they're not gonna hurt me. But what if they take you? What if they steal you? Kidnap you? If they can find me through the thing on my hand, that means you can probably find a way to find me too. How? You'll figure that out. I believe in you guys. I believe in you, Frances.

I hope that my faith in you is not misplaced. I think you will make the right choice. I hope you will. And I'm going to give you the key. Thank you, Trudy. I really appreciate it. And Frances gives her a hug. You can go back to sleep now. As she turns around, she's like,

I think I've made a horrible mistake! Frances heads down the stairs, and as he does, he puts the key in the lock and puts the lock in his pocket. You made a good choice, Frances. Let's go make music together, friend. Yeah. He opens up the front door. Okay. And steps outside and closes the front door behind him do a strength check on the size of the front door

He has the massive door opens and the second you step outside You see five bison step out of the shadows the two guys on the right and left have flamethrowers They're ready to fuck this place up and the one in the front Steps up towards you and they reach out your hand and you see a spiral burn mark on their arm as well and you realize this is your mother. I put the gun to my head and I pull the trigger. What? What? I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary

In a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star Thanks so much for listening and supporting podcasts like ours, either by giving us a download or two or powering through our ad reads or better yet, directly supporting us on Patreon because starting at $5 a month you can get ad-free episodes as well as bonus mini-series like Kingdom Dad Monster, the surprise hit of the summer, where Matt DMs us as we play the extremely weird, extremely expensive board game Kingdom Death Monster. The lore on this one runs mad deep and if you're looking for a punishing system that we can't just fast talk our way out of, this is a series for

you. Plus Matt posts pics of the minis he paints and I'll say it, I've met the two Matt's in the TTRPG show genre, I think our Matt could beat the other Matt in the mini paint-off I'll put money on it. I'll do it. Dungeons and Dice is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as our DM, Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself, Freddie Wong as Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez as our content producer, Ashley Nicolet as our community manager, Courtney Terry as our community coordinator, Cindy Denton as our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis as our lead editor, and Travis Reeves and Omar Romalino provide additional editing. Vernery and Kailin Grabowski Raquel Pratt Will Isaac Katie dial Katherine Nixon Dan Dow Carl Casper via Chris Milton and David Salsa supports directly on patreon patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads merchant more Dungeons and Dice calm mad my first movie

We're all gonna die still in theaters more info We're all gonna die movie comm next episode comes at you April 22nd. Damn. Damn. Damn. we missed it by two days! Today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today We can't do that. Comedy podcast! We can't do that.

We'll definitely know what to do. Wow. Well, that's the end of the episode, right? Yep.