Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 31 - Only Angels Have Legs

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

A further, more thorough exploration of flight mechanics with a greater degree of urgency than before.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Drug/Alcohol Use.We're All Gonna Die, starring Ashly Burch and Jordan Rodrigues, available for digital download!https://wereallgonnadiemovie.com/Info and tickets for Beth's solo show "Beth Wants the D":Edinburgh Fringe: www.pleasance.co.uk/event/beth-wants-dThe japery begins TODAY [August 12] at 3pm EST over at the Youtooz website - will you answer the call of plush Scam Likely?Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold Francis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth May Blake Lively is Freddie Wong Theme song is “A Hole in the Stars” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandes provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Aircraft 1 performs a split S? That's the last thing you should do. You're right in line with the incoming spy plane. Free spring, please. The spy plane had you in their sights. What were you thinking at this point?

You don't have time to think up there. If you think, you're dead. Well, that's a big gamble while piloting a makeshift table encased in layered non-Newtonian alien impact goo and powered by a bundle of robotic hoverlegs and steered by an alien moth creature. And unfortunately, for you, that gamble didn't work. The spy plane exploded through your craft

sending your entire bowling team scrambling. Francis makes an aggressive vertical move here, landing in the cargo bay, with Blake, Timmy, and Trudy making similarly successful maneuvers. Mothman is speared in the head and brings Kelsey down with him, but the majority of the team survives. The encounter was a victory.

But I think that we've shown it as an example of what not to do. Next? That's his middle here, so. That was a scene from Top Ace, a hidden gem from Hollywood's post-Hartland years, when the cosmic trauma of the hour of the hole was still fresh on the minds of Tinseltown's brightest stars and scribes. Shot in 1950, with color by technicolor from outer space, Top Ace tells the exploits of a daredevil bowling team turned skydiving super spies fighting the forces of evil.

Sound familiar? The parallels to the real-life exploits of the guttural screams drew the attention and the ire of the Motion Picture Psychocensorship Committee for drawing foul inspiration from dark deeds best forgotten by man, a young MPPC cleric by the name of Richard Nixon gouged out the eyes of director Joseph Joseph Abrams Jr. And declared top ace a magenta level forbidden heretical text. To even witness the clip we just showed,

you is a crime against the almighty Christian God who protects this nation. So sit back, remain calm, MPPC clerics are on their way. And if you're looking for something to watch while you await the cleansing fire of their judgment, why not stick around and watch John Wayne in The Conqueror? Coming up next on TCM. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's Not a BDSM podcast this season The Peachieville Horror

Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast About four everyday schmose fighting the forces of darkness In suburban 1950s America We're back to America or I guess we're somewhere No we're back over the ocean Yes you are um International waters We can do whatever we want in this episode

We can watch two zero zero one two three somewhere over the Atlantic I mean I think we're in the dick territory What's crazy? What does that mean? What does that What does that mean? Where that dick went into the like That's its territory. What do you mean? The space dick. The Chow's the Catoo Space D-Dick.

The canonical actual physical dick. I thought there was a continent that you thought was shaped like something. I thought the exact same thing. I mean, there are a lot of kinds of shape like this. We're in the D zone. There's a few continents shaped like a little loosey-duty. All right, wait, I'm going to look up what is the most fuckable continent. I mean, Florida is not a continent.

Oh, come on. South America. South America looks like a duck. It tapers down at the end. What is wrong with your dick? South America looks like a duckhead. It's not that fucking. I didn't say his dick.

I didn't say mine. I'm just saying if you see that and you go, oh, that looks like a dick. What dicks have you been looking at? Australia looks like a chun of a mate. Australia? Australia looks like a scrota. Look, Florida,

Sicily, Massachusetts. I have to say that South America is the most fuckable continent. Oh, okay. So it's the most like a dick. No, it's just like it's the most alluring. You guys know what I'm saying, though? If you cocked your head 90 degrees,

like North America into South America looks like a fun duck. Oh, I'm pulling up Google. Do you know what I mean? It does look like a duck with like a very thin neck. I play Blake lively. My name is Freddie Wong. The thin neck slumber.

This week's Blake fact. Blake getting up into space has finally solved the question that he had in his mind. That earth is in fact shaped like an egg. Didn't we? You did a flat earth one by the other? No, no, no, no. We're changing it. Eggs are flat.

He's wrong in a different way. Yeah, yeah. You know, last episode you did the same fact. You were like they found out the earth was flat. In the time sense, because we've fallen from, you know what I mean? In the time since, he saw the curvature. He was like, ah, I see it now. It's an egg.

It's an egg. I understand now. I see what you're saying. Eggs are flat, though, when I get done with them. Like, yum, yum, scramble you up. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, Pechaville's happiest and snappiest schoolmarm.

And you know what she always says. That's good. It's a good one. Wow, you got a lot of... That's it. That's all you hear. Who knows if she hit the ground? Probably.

I mean, something happened. I think everyone rocking bullwink on this shit and you're still mid-air. Yeah, still bit air. And a little known fact

about Kelsey, she's not afraid of anything except for falling out of airplanes. That was what she was working on airplane. She got there real quick. Yeah, no, she's not afraid about airplane crashes

just specifically like falling out of one. I'm Anthony Burch. I play phrases. Burnsworth, a kid who now I'm realizing just sounds like a shitty Morty from Rick and Morty. No, Anthony. No. Don't talk about my friend like that. Don't you think, hey, what's going on, guys?

Morty's a shitty Francis. He sounds like a shitty shaggy. Oh, okay. Francis, can you say, gee, I don't know, Rick? Gee, I don't know Rick. Oh. Yeah, that was you doing Morty, though. Hey, Francis, gee, I don't know Rick.

Oh, now I can't unthink it. Oh, God. Fuck. I'm sorry I'm right all the time. So Francis's fact is that when he was growing up, he wanted to know more about the Japanese because he'd know thy enemy. And so he, excuse me? Like after the World War II, World War II is over.

He's like, well, I know why we went after the Germans. What was the Japanese deal? And he still saw them as the enemy. And also he, I guess, forgot Pearl Harbor happened. Well, everybody gets a gimmie. So Francis got really into Japanese cinema and found the one theater in Pitchie. you feel that apparently does subtitle Corosawa films.

And his opinion is that Stray Dog is maybe the most underrated Curasawa film. And if you like movies, you should go see it. And also, that makes Francis the first wee-habo. Francis is a man of culture. Truly. Stray Dog is a sophisticated.

Very underrated and very good. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, Mother of One Beautiful Child. I'm just like Rick. She's a robot. Yeah, can you say Morty, we got to go, do a time adventure.

Morty, we got to do a time adventure. Closer than I thought. It's like Rick Sanchez. Yep. Pickle Trudy. Pickle Trudy. Hey, Will, what are we going to have the fun

Pickle Trudy episode? I'm drinking my Sheshuan Shosh right now. Kill me. What a simpler time it was. Like a cartoon made McDonald's do something. What a similar time it was a couple years ago? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Fun facts about Trudy. During this last little upgrade, she went through at the hands of Moth Jesus, her algorithm has turned into a gal-gorithm. This means that she prioritizes the rights of gals above all else. Wow. Gals above pals. Gals above pals, for sure. Gals above als.

First wave of cyber feminism. Okay. Wow. Gal-gorithm. Yep. Hi. Oh, no, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no, Will's investigated.

I'm just too, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Do you remember in the 90s where there's that spyware thing where it's like a naked girl on your desktop? We'll, like, walk around and like, do that. What if we did that with Will? Like, on Patreon. Like, what if you could just download a Will for your desktop? Like, straight up, it's like a Will widget. Yeah.

A little Will. Did I tell you for my gal pal will? That exact thing in college, I downloaded four copies of that software onto my friend's computer. So I had a naked woman show up, like every, like, like, 30 seconds. So, like, he went and saw it and he got annoyed, and he found it. But then I had the next one, like, schedule for, like, every hour and a half. So I kept

going, but the last one I had, like, coming in, like, on the first of the month. So, like, so, like, the next day he was mad at me, but he found all three of them. And then, like, a month later. Like, he comes down, he's like, yo, like, what the fuck?

Like, this lady appeared on my desktop. Like, whatever. That's perfect time. That's perfect prank. And there's still, there's still one out there waiting to go off. That's very one-two-

single. That's so good. That's so funny. Wow. Oh, my God. Kids, this is what we did in the 56K days.

I have a creepy fact for you guys. This is from the rancor list of the creepiest things about falling to your death. Oh, no. Falling in water is just as bad as falling on land. Some people think that it's better

to land in water if you're falling from a great hike because water will cushion or fall. In fact, landing on water can cause just, Just as much damage is laying on concrete. The surface of water can act like a solid when your body impacts it. Anyone who's ever done a belly flop knows firsthand.

So there you go. Dang. Yeah. I think ahead of time, though, if you watch the cliff divers and stuff, when they throw the rock, you've seen them and they throw the rock. Oh, it's like, break the surface engine. It's not. It needs to be constantly going.

That's like, it's actually, they just think that's cool. No, they're actually, they're watching their timing. Yeah, that's what I thought. So they throw the rock. And if you watch the person after they throw the rock, you'll see them do the movement because they're literally. They do the rock dance. They literally are, like, figuring out their flips.

Like, they were, because they didn't even know that. It's like, oh, that rock fell, exactly. I've also heard it helps delineate the surface of the water. That's why they do it for Olympic sports. It's not a surface tension. It's just, well, no, on Mythbusters, they did a thing. They were like, whoa, construction worker fell from the Golden Gate Bridge, and then his tool belt hit the water just before he did.

I can see that. And it did make the impact slightly better. A fraction of people totally survived the Golden Great Bridge. There's been like 10 or 12 people that have survived. And they never tried to. again in most cases, so think on that. Would you guys like to watch Maddie? Oh.

I already have something I want to do. Is that okay? Uh, sure. Let's jump in. Set the scene. D-da-ton, dun-d-d-d-ton! When we last left our heroes, the guttural screams,

Mothman's ship exploded in the middle of the sky as a giant space dick caused by the opening of the hole in the titular hour of. the hole burst through and started fucking the earth in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean through a hairbrain series of jerry-rigged gizmos and gadgets who managed to hover down on a table filled with old Trudy legs and were all more or less rescued by Penny Pickett and Ebeneuser-White, the Russian and English spies that had been in Ichiville and had flown you over to Russia, happened to be in the vicinity with their plane that they dropped you guys off in You guys made a heroic, safe and sound landing on this giant cargo plane until the very last minute.

After Freddie flubbed playing the Top Gun landing game a couple of times, Mothman was carrying Kelsey and was mere feet away from safety. When Brunhilde, shape-shifting back into her original form as a Viking spear, used her freebie to make France's launcher straight into Mothman's skull, killing him instantly. And now we begin. As Kelsey plummets. Now, let's see.

We're saying that each round is like six seconds, right? Mm-hmm. So I did the math. I think you guys were one round away from the ground. Mm-hmm. In about six seconds, you fall about five to six hundred feet. So Kelsey is now dropping the equivalent of a 60-story building onto the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. Francis leaps out after her.

What? What? As he begins to fall, I'm assuming Brunhilda reappears, like, on his back or something? I love you, sir. Sure. Yes, Brunhilda reappears on your back and says, Francis. Where are we going, Francis? No, actually, she's just...

So, I'm assuming Kelsey not prepared to fall, not wanting to fall, and also wearing a dress, is probably kind of spread out a little bit so she's got more wind resistance on her. Okay, hold on. Well, like, the wind will hit the dress and, like, kind of, you know... It may be really hot. No, no. I mean, so, you know, if you're skydiving and you put your arms out, like, flat, more of your body hits the air, that means you fall a little bit slower.

I thought about this because my thought was... Because Freddy's fetish is skydiving upskirt videos. I actually have a good news for you. No, but like, if you ever with a hoodie, you could put it on over your head, right? Like, like, lift the back. Tiny parachute. Yeah. So, you could add more surface there.

You were proposing that she's going slower than you. She's going slightly slower than somebody who puts their hands to their sides like they're doing a dive. Yes. You will say that yes. You are falling slightly faster. Assuming I agree with what Anthony's saying. And not going ahead for... No, but the only thing I'm going to say is that this isn't a fucking Princess Peach situation where she's

using her hoops skirt as a No, no, no, no, no, nothing like that. Straight up billowing over her head so she can't see any. Kelsey, again, since her fear was falling out of an airplane, like Matthew, she did the research and knows that the best possible opportunity, again, 0.000,000, whatever it is, but still, still lay flat on your back and try to hit the ground, like, everything at once to create a little air cushion to help slow down. So she's facing up.

So she sees Francis jump out, and she is, you know, leg spread, arm spread, her dress is billowing. At first she closed her eyes, but she opens, and she sees, Francis coming. Okay. Francis! No! I can't hear you.

Francis! So Francis is diving at her feet first, as small position as he can be, is tucked together. And he goes... Clenched. Clenched. Brutilda, if I die, you're going to land at the bottom of the ocean and no one's ever going to find you again and no more innocent people will die by your hand, so you have to help me. And you're going to help me by turning back into that gun as soon as I grab Kelsey and

you're going to fire at the ground over and over while I turn on. my robot leg, and we're going to try to slow the descent as much as humanly possible. I should have taught you better, Francis. I should have skipped physics that day. You know what's fucking crazy, Anthony? Yeah. Brunhilla can see in the future. He's like, ah, but Francis, this is where they will drop the body of Osama.

Which we always found you. Which, also, this is like you're going to be. Yeah, that's the point to the point they found him. You think the U.S. government killed him, but they imprisoned him in time of bathysphere and armed with me and Osama bin Laden fell down to rapture to fight Andrew Ryan. Okay. I'm sorry to say you might just kill Francis too. I mean, I've got an idea. There's other people.

There's other people here. I'd also like to remind everybody, I do have the like Trudy Hover Robot leg thing, which I can't activate. I saw. No, I'm going to, here's what I will say. I'm going to give this a chance. So you're saying there's a chance. saying there is a chance, but I'm putting this on the table now. I'm not pulling any

fucking punches. And you get one round, because we said there was one round. So there's no mollicans. And if you fuck up, Francis is going to die. And we'll have prepped me for dying. Not saying I was 100% going to die, but like, you know, we'll have that talk with me, you know? But we each get a round, right? It's not like just this happens.

Here's what I'll say. Well, deal with what Francis is doing. You two also have a row. Yes. But you do whatever you're doing now. Yes. Before you see what happens with Francis. So that is what Francis is doing. I can write down what I do. Okay.

What do you want to do? This is a military plane, right? There's got to be parachutes on the plane. They're probably in a place that's easily accessible because you would need them in an emergency. Okay. So she's going to grab, let's say, however many there are. Six seconds is what you have. So you can get a bunch of parachutes, but I don't know how you're going to be able to use them.

My plan relies on the parachute, yeah. But I also think that with my hover legs point, Pointed downward. I could fall faster than there. That's true. So you're like kind of astroboying down. All right. Okay. It's crazy that all four people died.

Well, like, okay, one of them is going to die and that's going to be enough and that'll be an episode and then all of us die in the same moment. And again, I do remind you that wherever you wind up, you're going to be in the middle. I respect you for being quiet over there. I'm not saying anything. He's died enough. What is Freddie Googling?

I'm actually looking up some of the physics for how many times you have to fire downward. Okay. I'm just curious. I'm just curious what the numbers are. I like this. I like this. This is. Great. Your movies, you're going to run to the parachutes,

grab as many as you can, jump out, and then rocket boost down. You're going to grab two parachutes. Yeah. If you're just going in one swoop, it takes three seconds to grab the parachutes, jump out of the plane, and then you can use your hover boots. You can use your hover boots to fall twice as, especially because if Kelsey is falling slower. And I will also say that Mothman was holding her when she fell, and Mothman's wings were out. So we'll also say that that's increased drag for Kelsey right now.

She's holding on to Mothman. As Francis is doing his move, Trudy is running to the door, grabbing the parachutes. Your son is like, Mom, wait. Oh, fuck. I forgot about Timmy. Oh, no. I think. The momentum carries you for her.

You're like, oh, no. I think Trudy's like, Timmy, I have to do this. You don't have time to talk to him. Yeah. You can either do this and jump without talking to him, or if you stop, you're going to lose your opportunity. I'm going to jump. Mom!

So he watches you jump. We're going to have him do a sanity roll. If he fails this role, he's going to grab a parachute and jump after you. Fuck. That's probably the coolest way to fucking watch your mom die, though. It was like, be a badass.

Because if you want the moment where she looks back at you and, like, winks or something, she didn't even get that. She just left him. He is too shocked to do anything. So he stays there and watches you jump off. Trudy!

No. I feel love, but also I could just be the only one to die. It's okay. Okay, so you've jumped over the edge. You're using your rocket boosters. Blake, what are you doing? Well, what can I do, Will?

I'm not playing. I don't have any magic powers. I'm not Tony Stark. Also, I take it back. I close my eyes and accepted my death, so I don't see any of this happen. Will, Domami will come to bargain. So I have, I believe, a borderline absurd amount of luck left. Borderlands absurd amount.

Borderlands too absurd amount of luck left, so like the best one. That borderlands of yours is absurd. I may need to seize. So I have 60 luck, which I think is a lot more than everybody else, because they've been spending it a lot. I want to make a deal with you. Freddie has an idea that I very much enjoy. I will give you half of my luck.

I will only listen to this deal if you do it in Godfather voice because you're doing Italian hand right now. Yeah, I am. I should go and we grab my mandolin. Yeah, thank you. Freddie has an idea that I find to be most interesting. And if you will give me the respect.

You will note that I said the Godfather voice, not your Walter, the amoral voice. Dang. It's fine. Just tell me what the thing is. Dang, dude. Damn, we offer blood today. He's putting a cotton in his mouth.

Nice. For what I'm saying is... Whoa. That's really good. I want to give you half of my luck in exchange for this crazy idea that my auxiliary Freddie has. You take it out what's the idea?

We'll see if half the luck is worth the price. I asked Brunhildo to turn into a howitzer. What is a howitzer so I can get it? A massive artillery cannon. Oh. Freddie has done the math. If the howitzer shot, into the water before we hit,

it would be more than sufficient to break the service tension and allow us to land. Well, no, and also slows your fall down. Yes, because the kick of it. Wait, who did the math? Frederick. Okay. So who, wait, who did the math? He's bad at Top Gun. He's not bad at math. I will do it for all

your remaining luck. Is there any other weapons that could be? I need to be big. And I will entertain no other offers. Because he already said one thing. So I'm already being pretty generous, letting him change it. It needs to be a big, heavy round shooting out of it in order to give the amount. I know, I don't think of it too.

I think it was like a net. And then it can make a net. Yeah, if you can guarantee. Oh, yeah. What if you turned it into a parachute gun? Yeah. Parachute gun. Yeah.

T-shirt gun. What now? Oh, yeah. Sorry, turn into the portal gun from the video game portal, please. So if I give you all of my luck, this is going to work. No, I didn't say, if you give me all of my luck, I will let you turn her into a fucking and howitzer and try. Which will work.

We've done the math. You'll have one luck left. I'll do the same thing for you that I did for Freddie as Tony, which is if you call the number and I roll it, you will make your luck. Okay. That's going to be the situation. All right. That's what I'm doing.

That's what you're doing? Down to one luck. 59 luck and one go. Got to be the biggest spend of luck in some time in Call of Cthoooooo. So he's doing that. You've been saving up your mega elixirs for this moment, dude. Do you end your games with like a bunch of mega elixers? I absolutely do.

I'm trying to look less like that, hence this moment. Interesting. Blake, what are you doing? Well, I don't know what I can do. I suppose, you know what it is? I'm going to saunter up to the flight deck. Tell Timmy, you're his new dad. I'm like, Timmy, do not worry.

I'm sure your mother has a good plan. Timmy's just, he's not even listening to you. The tears haven't started yet, but he's just jaw dropped. I see the tears are coming, so I will excuse myself. And I go into the. I'll come for you, but not when it gets too hard. Well, I have more pressing matters, Anthony. I walk into the flight deck and I say, everybody minus me and Timmy have jumped out.

Maybe turn the plane around and go low. No can do, old bean, it seems we're still extremely close to this giant dick monster and all the puss monsters that have been flying out of it. No worries, and I go down into the hatch, you know, the underbelly hatch, and I mount up on the fucking machine gun. I say, weapons free. I start fucking taking out things like in, like Luke Skywalker on the Millennium Falcon. All right, so you're going to get into the quad cannons of the fucking bombership and fire it.

And I'm going to shoot. No, no, I'm not going to shoot bullets in your direction, but I'm like, you could break some sort. That would be it really break some surface tension. Then you tear us apart with a shrieg and fire. I riddle you at 50 mil, 50 cal. We're so, he's so beyond us now. He's already like a...

Yeah, you're in fucking Texas as far as we're like a half a mile away. Yeah, I'm not jumping out after, you guys. No, I'm not asking you do. Yeah. No, you're the only one who's going to survive. You'll be able to pick up our bodies with some degree of sleep. Literally, Blake is going to be... And I didn't think that would work, so I thought I'd jump out

because I could get something that would work. I don't know. I think I think I made a mistake. I think if my house or thing works, That the very minimum is going to give us enough boost backward to give Trudy time to catch up. We can put on the fucking parachutes, hug each other real tight. I think we've made a mistake. We got this.

It's fine. Okay. Will would rather Tony turn into a cat than die the first time. So, you're a push Will to killing. Yeah, don't press the DM, dude. You know this as a D. All right. You're right.

Anthony's figured out a pretty good plan, though, which is like, tip for anyone who's trying to keep their DM from killing a party member, if you all try to die, you're upping the bluff. End of the game continuing is also depending on your kid having food to eat. Real high steaks here. Howitzer, howitzer, please. What's her? Turn into a howitzer.

She turns into a howitzer. An American M-101. And now there's just a howitzer falling through the sky with you. Okay, cool. Anthony, that was your whole turn. So now you were holding on to the howitzer and we'll say that you're in position to fire. It's pointing directly at Kelsey.

I just know how scared she's to falling out of planes. I don't want her to die from that. This way her death will be mercifully quick and just spray. And it'll save us the trouble of a burial because we're not going to find all those. We're not going to find all those. Trudy has closed the gap with her rocket boots. And you're moving at 2x speed, right? Because you're like going.

So yes, you've closed the gap. You're like three seconds from hitting the water. but you see this Howitzer. Can I call this Howitzer Grant? Continue. Cut that. No. No.

Actually, socials, can you tag Grant Howitt in this episode? I know that Anthony has a really funny joke about him. Trudy, you are closing and fast with your parachutes when you see Brune Hilda turn into the... You know what Howitzer is, right? No. To describe it for our listening audience at home, it's a piece of artillery. It's like basically imagine the barrel of a tank on wheels. So, yes, you see this huge gun appear next to him, and then you see,

Francis grab onto it. We're going to give you a chance next turn to grab onto the gun after it fires because it's going to be launching straight up at you, essentially. Well, it's not going to be launching. It's just going to be breaking and you're going to be going even faster towards it. Kelsey, you haven't had your turn yet. You've just been falling. I'm just opened up.

Embracing. Oh, that's right. You've got your eyes closed. I'm going backwards and I'm just trying to lay as flat as possible. I wish I could have some, like, wacky thing to do. No, no. Don't you have some magic or something? Um, rack, which I was used.

So I could tell the water, no, but it would do much. Wait, wait, wait, aren't you communing? Yeah, but Zuzel doesn't care. I'll say, well, Zuzel looks like it's just, you and me in the end? Yes. See where your foolish choices have gotten you, Kelsey. Well, what choice? I mean, I was just doing my best to help everybody.

I just wanted to save the world. Yes, but there's only one way to save the world, and it's through me. And you have tarried. This is all happening very fast. they're in psycho land. They're in psychic land. Imagine, if you will, listening to a podcast at 2x speed.

I don't know. I feel like you lose a lot of the subtleties of what Zuzel's saying. Zuzel, I just ask, I know it's stupid, but please don't kill Pichiville. There's got to be another way to stop it. Oh, Kelsey, ever loyal to your piddling human concerns until the end. Well, there's... I showed you yourself.

I showed you the many-form Kelsey across space and time, across all spaces and times and what did you do with this gift? You squandered it. I showed you an ability to traverse the multiverse to traverse to other realities.

Wait, I could do that? What did you think was happening when you would lose your mind and go to other places? I mean, you showed me, but that doesn't mean I can do it, I can do it right now? Can I just go to a different place right now?

You just said I could do it. And we're in slow time, so you can teach me. You just said, you just said, I have this ability to go between worlds. And you just said that we're talking slow because we're, as Will said, Psycholand. So I want you to teach me this skill of yours. All right, Matthew.

This traveling skill. There are two ways. I want to move between the world. Sains Walker. You know at the end of Inglories Masters where the two plans happen, but they sort of contradict each other? We go all the way down to save you, then you just disappear. You too die. Zuzel says, very well.

teach you this gift, but know that it comes as all things do at a price. I mean, yeah, that's fine. Right now I'm about to die. It's not as bad as the price you're about to be. Yeah, so that's great. I'll take it. So, Matt, as you remember, when we used to do this, when you would see something that was horrifying enough that you failed a big sanity role and then failed your

intelligence role, you would sort of disassociate and swap bodies with another Kelsey somewhere out there. Like, you went to the one where you lost World War I. Yeah, I remember the one where Kelsey personally lost World War I. easiest wife. I was like, I was like, I was like, where did I become the fucking head of Germany? I was the kind of, you look down in your hand, there's a smoking gun in front of you, the Archduke Francis Ferdinand, but it's 2025. Oh, so I like swap minds. So yes, you could only do that, you could only do that

before in moments of great duress, but I can teach you to control it. Okay. And when I do like, do I like walk through like cool portals or? or am I just like my brain appears. You will trade places with another Kelsey. Another Kelsey would die here? Who would die here unless her bosom friends save her life somehow? Oh, that's not fair to other Kelsey's. Never mind.

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, yeah. Voice of Freddie coming in, unless the other Kelsey was also on the way out. I mean, I guess. Oh, yeah, how parallel are these realities? I still couldn't just doom another Kelsey to die. No, but the other Kelsey was on the way of dying. Imagine the other Kelsey seeing right from a train, train barreling towards her. Just sitting there.

Just sitting there. Certainly in the multiverse. Imagine you have a lever you can pull on one track. Kelsey, as I've told you, they are all you. You are part of a greater Kelsey. I'm going to open my eyes. And what? Whoa.

I can see that Francis and Trudy are falling. And I go, hmm. I close my eyes. So I can go back to Psycho Land so I can take time to process this. And then I'm going to say, Zuzel The word you're looking for is blinking.

It's so sweet though. Could I bring anybody else with me? That's not how it works, I'm afraid. Then I think I'm staying here. Bye. Sweet prince, I touch his fucking ripped abs. Play a song for me on that piano, won't you? And he leans in and gives you a tender kiss on the lips

with his locked up non-Eclinian mouth. So fucking hot, dude. Locked up, proboscis is probing. Dude, Kelsey just fucking sits up on a table and it looks Matt, you can't do that.

Why can't Kelsey what that means, Beth? Because you as a man can't do this. She's about to die. Give her some joy on her way out. No.

You know what? My friend best right. I don't deserve any pleasure. I'm just going to wake up. That's not what I say. Goodbye, Zuzelle. orgasms for me, but not for these. Hopefully in the year 2025, women can have agency in their own sex life.

Kelsey's not going to leave, I mean, one, replacing another, Kelsey is too confusing to her. And then also the fact that, like, her two friends have jumped down and they're falling. She's not going to leave that in the hands of somebody else. Okay. And no thoughts on what appears to be a large howitzer joining the group. I mean, I have thoughts. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do in the fall.

I wake up, I can't give up, but I can have. Thoughts. Zuzel gives you a tender smooch on the lips. Oh, I didn't ask for that. He, I thought you gave him like, you touched his pecks. Yeah, okay. I mean, all right, well, then he does it. He asks for consent and then he says, Kelsey, may I tenderly smooch your lips as a way of saying goodbye in a sexy way.

You know what? Hold on to that thought. And then I open my eyes. I'm going to leave him wanting more. All right. So then that's a no. Well, I'm awake. Unless it's a hell yes, it's a hell no.

Fair enough. That's good. Fair enough. You see. Francis aiming this huge gun towards you. I see Francis with a big howitzer. I could probably deduce that that is indeed Brunhilde, because why else

you have a howitzer? And considering we just did the whole thing where we're doing like rocket shoes, I can assume that Francis thinks this is going to slow us down. Okay. So for that to work, you need to grab on to this thing before he fires it. Otherwise, he's just going to blast himself up into the air and you

are not going to get a chance to avail yourself of it. How are you going to get up there? Well, well, I don't I don't know if you've ever jumped out of a building, but there's not really a way you can get up. That's fair? That's fair? Oh, my God. That was so dry.

I love it. I think I'm still doing the best thing I can, which is slowing myself down as much as possible, which is I'm still, I'm sure it's kind of ever after I can tell me. But what Kelsey thinks about math thinks is I'm still back first, looking up, spread out as far as I can. You know that because of aerodynamics. Yes, aerodynamics, exactly. I know that it'll be as slow as possible. Kelsey, you open your eyes. You are spayed out with your...

Most indelicently. Most indeligantly, with Mothman's sort of dead wings and corpse staying behind you. Use the wings, dude. Oh, yeah, okay, I grabbed the wings. I start flapping. Do I fly? Do I fly, Will?

Just like those famous pictures. You know those famous videos of those old guys in the black and white and they got wings on their hands? You've seen them, right? You've seen them, right? They jump off the bridge. You know what happens next?

This is a zoom! This is a heart in the sky. That's what I do. I don't know. Maybe a hang glider situation. I don't know. I don't know. If I'm holding the wings out,

then that's going to be helping me slow down. The gun is close enough that you can grab onto it. Okay, yeah. I'm going to try to grab onto, you know, not the front of the barrel. But, yes, if I see them coming, I'm going to save my age, I'm not going to speak, you know,

if I tearfully look at my friend's trying to save what Kelsey still believes is his favorite teacher and hopes that he's going to survive this. But yes, I'm going to grab onto the gun. Okay, you're going to grab onto the gun. Bear hugged that barrel. Francis is hugging the gun, too. Yes.

This feels like... Wait, they're both holding the gun now. Well, slow down. Matt, I haven't said what you're rolling. Just slow down. Why were you saying, Beth? They're both holding the gun at this point. They're both holding the gun.

You're above them. Yeah, I'm going to pull my parachute. Oh, okay. That's very smart. Before they shoot the gun. Okay. Are you holding onto us? No.

I know you're going to go up and I'm going to stop my momentum. She's used her computer vision. Nice. Yes. Dipipipoo pooh, bo bo bo bo bo bo bo. All right, this is going to be a strength check for the two of you to hold onto the gun and brace against the breaking recoil without falling off of it.

I just want to point out that also one of the reasons for the how it's there was that it breaks the surface tension so even if I do fall, it's almost certainly not to kill me. At the very least, here's what it is. It will also slow you down so that you're no longer terminal velocity into the water. I mean, there's a good chance of hurt, but yes. It may hurt, yeah. No, it's going to hurt. It'll hurt.

Not saying it won't. But I'm a lot more afraid about that water being so cold. water like that hits you like a thousand knives all over your body sorry what's this from you can't breathe you can't think

at least not about anything but the pain okay wow Beth Matt what did you roll I rolled I believe for the first time a natural one wow holy shit

so I am grabbing onto the gun and Francis yeah I failed my strength roll pretty bad. Okay, but I'm holding on to Francis. That's who I reached out for without one. You're holding on it. Francis, or you're holding on a gun? I mean, Francis is holding on, right? With a one, that's a critical of success. You should do something cool, right? If I'm like seeing a gun with Francis on it, I'm going to try to, I don't want me at the barrel. I'm going for Francis, my beautiful student, who still brings me

apples every first day of school. Even if I'm not in your class. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's so cute. Francis fires the gun. A fucking boom. First can I go, fire! Okay, yes. You can do that. I just want that to be in my last words. if I die. Blam! deafening explosion. Each of you give me

a constitution saving throw to see if you don't get fucking deafened by this. I get deafened. Roll me a 1D6. 5. Ooh, got 42. My constitution is 54, so I passed it.

Okay, 6. So, Kelsey, give me a 1D6 roll as well. 6. Acoustic trauma of the noise from a howitzer can be extremely high. Temporary hearing loss after a loud noise can last anywhere for a few hours to a few weeks.

Francis, you have disadvantaged to any listen. rolls. I'm not going to make you like have to fucking be like, what? Every time someone, but you've got maddenitis and you've got disadvantaged hearing rolls for the next six days. Great. If we're around. Kelsey, you've got disadvantaged hearing rolls for the next six hours. Oh, okay. It's because your ears are shittier because you're older. He's throwing so much fucking listen stuff for you guys. We're so fucked when we enter Will's audio dungeon. When we find the invisible monster. This gun goes off of the deafening blast.

The howitzer bucks. It rips your arm. Like you just pull. straight back, but you manage to hold on, and you even manage to hold onto Francis, who gets thrown from the damn thing, and you're holding onto him as this thing blasts up into the air, and you manage to slow both of your descent, and you have, like, a moment of zero G floating. I'm free. Francis, you crazy fool, what did you do? And as you say that, as you're sort of, like, floating there, you see Trudy Trout, sort of like rise slash fall.

Hit the water at a hundred balls per hour. No. It's not what happened. You see Trudy Trout sort of rise slash fall simultaneously with you as this parachute is deploying behind her. So basically you're all level. You still have the problem of the two of you are still falling through the air.

You've reset your velocity. So you basically have another turn to drop. But how high up from the water are you now? I said you were six stories. We'll say you're three stories. But you've gotten yourself another round. Okay. Three stories high.

That's a nasty boy on the concrete. That's not going to be a good fault. Basically, you guys are in mid-air. And again, I cannot stress this enough. You're in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And there are no boats or ships anywhere. And we heard that they're not turning around for us. Right now, we're also attached to something that is famously not really floaty.

The howitzer. There's also a, we're holding on it. But there is, okay. That's the only thing we have, though. You are now level with Trudy, whose parachute is deploying. You each get one action. Okay. I want to do this Final Jeopardy style.

Yeah. I don't want to do. You all are going to write down. what your action is going to be because the three of you cannot communicate with each other right now with this going on. I'll send it to you in Discord. Okay.

Please clock in your answers. Just so I understand what I'm seeing, though. Trudy has the parachute. Trudy looks like, do you know that shot of Mercy and play of the game when Mercy's like, it's like that? But she has a parachute with her

and you see a parachute deploying on her back. She has a parachute on her back and that is already on her. And then she has an extra parachute in her hands. Actually, here's what we'll say is that I don't think Trudy had time to affix the parachute to herself. so she's probably got it like loops through her.

Sure, but one's already working on her and then she has a second parachute in her hands that you are gesturing out. Like that one picture of the sickest dude you've ever seen holding the parachute with one hand. I've never seen this before. Will, can we cut back to the plane? Yes, while you guys are figuring out.

Splash one bogey, bake hard to, make hard to nine o'clock. We have two more bogeys. I think Frank has a roll if he hits any. I don't think he can just be cool. He's just saying that. There's no bullets in the gun. That's true.

Don't we actually hit any. The sound you heard was me saying things. Dush, doosh. Well, what's my skill? What I'm rolling for? A gun. Given that you went through basic training, I will let you do a firearms roll with your rifle,

shotgun skill, which is a 33. Oh, I see. Okay. Oh, he got a one. Oh, I got a one. All right. In that case, where are you firing? Are you firing at the closest ones to them?

Like, what are you doing? Bro. With the one? With the one? It's his aim bot, dude. We did his hard cuts at Princess Leia putting a medal on you, dude. Right. Bro, I'm standing next to Chewy already, dude.

Everyone's lined up on Yov, and then I'm sitting there with a shit-eating grin on my face. Roll me a D-100. 11. You shoot 11 of them out of this guy. Wow. Such thrilling gameplay for me to get one on. Can I just pull back a kind of tiny bit? Not the same way you're going to do, Will.

I just like the idea that we'll just communicate with me a little bit. concerns was like, look, let's just figure out what we do. Kelsey, the last one to is do another like, Glenn in prison. And it's somehow we're at a point where Freddy's by himself again. And we may very well be the situation where Freddy's still the ones. Yeah, I hope you all ready for the Freddie Cup on her arc. Francis, say out loud the thing that you do. Okay, so still holding on to Kelsey. I use my jet boot to boost towards Trudy and grab hold of her. And then I put my feet facing the water essentially and boost again so I can further slow

our descent. He's doing that. Cool. Why did you write down, Matt? I mean, it's pretty close because I think I'm holding on to him because I got the one for the strength, but I holding on to Francis one hand, leap out to grab the parachute with the other. Okay. Screaming. Screaming. And yeah, we're both leaping out and grabbing the parachute. I passed Kelsey the parachute. Sick. Sick. That's

fucking. That's fucking. Who rips it open? Me. Oh, no. Nobody. We forgot. Oh, yeah. I said Ripet Francis after. If I heard you said Ripet, I would rip it. Yeah, yeah. Francis's thing was essentially just a move action. He hasn't really done anything yet. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Rural. If Kelsey hands you the parachute, you can pull the parachute. Yeah, you have to blow because my hands are held by one is wrapped around you, and the other one is, like, holding onto the parachute, like, through the straps as tightly as possible. Okay, so yes. So I cannot rip it. All right. So sick.

Trudy's parachute is already deploying. She's not holding on anybody. She doesn't have to roll anything. Francis is firing his old boosties to slow him down. You guys are doing that. Kelsey, give me another strength check. to hold on to the parachute. Disadvantage because you're holding on to Francis as well.

Even with the one? Well, that was for the gun. That was for the last gun. That was then. This is now. That was then. This is now. I'm going to throw up.

I just want us to be okay. Actually, your parachute is about to fully deploy. You're going to give me a strength check for holding onto your parachute because you haven't done that yet. Okay. Yeah. I got 28, but I have to do disadvantage. So let me re-roll that tens. Strength.

58. Wait. That's very close of luck, though. I'm about to. I'm about to burn some luck as well. I'm about to fucking spill. Nope. Don't have enough. Don't have enough luck?

Nope. I have 37 strength, not Constitution if we're doing strength. Okay. I fail the disadvantage strength roll to hold on to, I don't know what part of it is in the parachute. The parachute. The parachute. I was like, I could let you choose whether it's Francis or the parachute, but I think you're going to pick the parachute. The parachute deploys and rips straight out of your hands.

That's one parachute down. We have another parachute that's potentially about to deploy. Beth, what did you roll? I rolled a 79. My strength is 60. I burned 19 luck. Okay. Now I have 14 luck. Through some stroke of luck, the parachute manages to get tangled around your arm,

so you're wrenched upwards. We'll say you've dislocated your arm. We can deal with that later. But the parachute deploys, and you are kind of stuck on it, so you begin to slow down. You're holding on to Francis. Francis is holding on to Kelsey. No, Francis is holding onto Trudy. It's a Daisy Jane. Okay, yeah. So you're holding on to Francis. Francis is holding under Trudy. So now Francis has to roll to as Trudy goes, whoop. Her momentum has stopped, and now he has to hold on to her. Otherwise, he's going to get like...

He's going to slip. I mean, he's holding on to her. I think Anthony has to roll strength to just hang on to Trudy. Yes, because otherwise she will get ripped away from him. And maybe the hover boots, because you made me roll for a disadvantage. Maybe the hover boots give you...

I would say the hoverboots give him advantage, but the fact that you're holding on to him gives him disadvantage because it's excellent. So it's a flat roll. So give me a strength roll to hold on to Trudy. My strength is a 45, so slightly worse than 50-50. I wish to you have. He has one.

He has one. He has one. You could roll it and just try to guess a number. I got a 50. Oh. And you're 44? You can push. You can push.

What could push this worse? Just to be worse. Like, what are you doing to make this more dangerous for you to push? That's essentially my question. What if I can like put so much energy into my hover boot that my entire leg re-explodes? Oh, I like that. You might light us all on fire. I don't think beggars can be chooses at the same point.

I'm just raising the stakes. I'm just trying to raise the stakes. All right, yes, if you overload your robot leg, it will explode, and you will take damage from it. We'll give you a 1D4 damage, and Kelsey would probably take some damage. We'll start with you, and then we'll deal with Kelsey. The leg explodes. This is going to give you another shot at your strength roll. I passed.

I rolled a 16. You rolled a 16. Nice. Your leg explodes. Super success, yes. Give me 1D6 damage. I took 2 damage. You took 2 damage.

Kelsey, you're clinging on to Francis. His leg explodes. Give me a 1D6. That's what I had Francis do. D6. And I got, I wanted the highest number possible, right? Because I got a 6.

Wait, what? Six. Okay. Wait, that's more damage? Yeah, okay, so you got 6 damage. What is your max health? You're at full health because you got healed by the GUTube, but what is your max health?

12. Okay, so that means this did half your health. That's a major wound. So we'll say that this gave you, I don't know. Why? Broke some ribs. Give me a constitution roll to see if you don't fall unconscious.

Okay. If I pass this, then I don't fall unconscious. If you pass the roll, you don't fall unconscious. Oh, man, I got this constant, freaking,

Kelsey's got 60 constitution. So this is fine. That's a fan. That's a fail. That's a veil. That's a veil. Okay. All right.

So Kelsey goes unconscious. No. And like this normal unconscious. Not like dream world. I get to go and be another Kelsey again. No, you're just out of it, dude.

You just fucking zonked as you plummet through the sky. Okay. Francis, and we'll say Trudy to are holding on to your unconscious body as you drift slowly. Yeah. Against all odds. And the plans of one dungeon master. Here's what happens at the surface of the Atlantic Ocean in the following order.

Where they eventually will drop in Laden. Where they will eventually drop in Lodon. One, a howitzer splashes into the, fucking water. Two, an unconscious schoolmarm, a one-legged teenager, and a robot housewife, clinging to one parachute, managed to gently fall down and land in the water as the body of a dead, crypted moth man splashes into the water right next to them. What would you guys like to do, Open World, Triple A Open World experience? I'm unconscious. That's unconscious. So, ground on to Kelsey. Kelsey still has oxygen in her lungs, so she's not going to sink like a stone or

anything. I guess that's true. And I'm going to hold on to Mothman's corpse, like it's the door from the Titanic. I don't know why I put that in your mind as a possible way to kill us. And I'm going to astral project. Say what now? I'm going to do the thing that Francis can do where he astral projects and can travel around. If you can find a way to knock yourself unconscious or just fall asleep?

I think probably the insane adrenaline rush and us landing and all being alive would probably lead to a pretty big straw and testosterone in a crash. Trop and testosterone? Yeah. Low Tee. I'm now low Tee. Hey, on this podcast, we talk about low T. So I feel like it's not...

Ask your doctor about low T right now. Okay. Don't say it's anything else. Don't say that it's the amount of alcohol you're drinking or like that. You're not getting enough sleep. That's it's lying to you. You got low T. Maybe as it begin to doze off, I say like, I'll be right.

Trudy, what are you doing? I think that... There's two unconscious people. Character over party here. I think that Trudy looks at the lifeless corpse of Mothman, and for a second, let's Francis sink. Dang. Well, he's on... I'm holding his corpse.

He swam over to him. Oh, then Trey doesn't do anything. Okay, you're just bobbing in the water. Yeah. Just looking at the lifeless corpse of Mothman. Yep. And Kelsey, of course. And Kelsey.

I'm really worried about Kelsey. Yeah. So the waves are lapping. and splashing, Francis, as you sort of lie on Mothman's chest, or I guess you put Kelsey up on Mothman, right? As you cling to Kelsey, no, we'll say that Mothman is big enough for two people, like the blank, like in the meme. It's kind of like if there was a pool float that was shaped like the door from Titanic,

which you should still make. If there was an unsinkable love float for two where there was just enough room for you and your heart of the ocean, then that would be what they were floating on. Yeah. So Francis hauls Kelsey onto Mothman, so she won't fall immediately into the water. And then I guess probably clings onto some part of his wing and his torso to be able to stay propped up while he passes out. Drew do you watch this happen.

And Francis, you feel the biting cold and the lapping waves of the ocean tossing you about as you float out. I'm a ice cream shop. I'm used to this. As you float out of your body and begin to astral project. All right. like Neo in the Matrix Reloaded after the plane that abandoned us

and then basically astral project into the cockpit because we've said I can affect things a little bit Oh yes you were able to talk to them over the radio last time

Yes You go to the bookshelf That's on the plane And you push one book Murf Murf I hate my son He sucks

Oh god I forgot about that entirely I get in the cockpit And I say, we're alive, come back and get us. Ebenezer White hears you over the radio and says, sorry, you're breaking up. Who is this? Come in? Francis.

Francis, for the boy who just jumped out of the plane? Yes, we're alive. Come get us. Track trinity signal. Ebenezer looks behind him. He was sensing around. I was like, I'm sorry, old boy. It's no can do.

I'm the only one who knows where the third key is. What's that to me? Look, let me tell you my plan, young man. The American summons Zuzel. Zuzel kills the thing in the sky. Everything's beachy keen. You can't let Zuzel out without Kelsey. What?

Zuzel is inside. My friend Kelsey is at. I'm not sure that's how it works. Old boy, I'm sorry. I'm trying to convince him. Okay, give me a fast talk roll. I have a 95 fast talk, and I rolled a 78. I only do three things, and I do those very well.

What level of success did you get? I got a normal success. He's a spy. He's a spy. I'm going to have him roll. Ooh. What is 210? That's 100, right? That's a critical fail.

Fuck! I'm basically his dad now. Oh, no. Poor Will does not get to isolate Freddie in his own closet. It's fine. It's fine. So you hear it, he's like, say, say that again? I'm letting him stew in it for a second.

I'm increasing suspense. Say that again. Do you read? Do you read? What was that last thing? This is Francis Farsworth. If you want to do you still, you got to come get us. He turns to Yara Slophe.

He says, do you think they're bluffing? She's like, I don't know. This is your operation. What do you think? You hear a lot of bickering between the two of them. As you see, that's another 14 bogeys. All right. Damn it.

Give us your location. Just follow the radar ping on Trudy's robot brain. Look, you're watching the plane right now, right? Yeah. You tell me warm or colder, and we'll fly by your navigation. Okay, cool. I'm going to be like a waypoint in a video game, but you can't. I don't know what the shop.

I don't know what that is. I'm so annoyed that I'm doing this. First of all, do it 180. He banks this plane. Blake, you feel your guts get rearranged by the. the G-forces of this huge plane turning all the way around. And you hear Yaroslava come on to the radio and say, I hope you kept some ammunition down there lively.

We're heading back into the storm. Bring the lead out. They keep coming, but I keep dropping them like flies. All right. So the plane is now banking around and coming back towards the maelstrom. So what I'm going to do is I'm basically going to get on the nose of the plane like a hood ornament and I'm going to play hot cold with them essentially and get them to steer correctly and get down to where we are.

Okay, great. And we'll say you have an innate sense of where your body is or like you see it glowing. It feels like that would be kind of silly if you couldn't. Is this a water plate? No. We could throw down like some. But you know what? Sully wasn't flying a water plane either.

That's true. That's true. It's not a water plane. The plane is now coming back around. This is going to be a couple minutes as it makes its way back to you. Blake, you hear over the radio. Everybody on to the flight deck team meeting real quick right now. Pip, pip, let's go.

But I'm doing so much killing. Lively, I need you up here, sat. But mom. What, mom? I can't save the game. I can't save it. It's live. You can't pause killing.

Fine. Stay there, but here's what we're going to do. We're going to have a little conversation right now. This plane is not equipped for a water landing. The fate of the universe, apparently according to that teenage boy, rest on bringing that woman, the unconscious Miss Grammer, back into this plane so we can summon Zuzel. Now, how do we as a team right here right now propose to do that?

I'm open to suggestions. Right now I'm just flying this plane. And he lights a cigarette. Can I out of character point something out? Sure. These planes all come with like inflatable rafts. Yeah, it's like a safety thing. For literally this exact scenario.

So yeah, they'll drop a raft out and we'll survive. Well, we'll be stuck in the... We'll be stuck for a second, but like... For a while. Yeah, we're probably going to freeze their death. Or starve or die of dehydration. If Will wants to get redid on him in the most interesting way possible, Will could kill us that way, sure.

Now, here's the thing, Beth. I did see a movie about the little boy named after. a math symbol who managed to survive a long time. That's what Trudy's doing right now. She's a life of pying, but the boat is her dead lover and the animals are her two unconscious friends. It's a very sad version of life of pie. All right.

I like the idea of at least getting a raft down there. Then we can figure out the next day. We'll say there's an emergency. Blake will come down with us. Blake raises his hand. What about this raft here? Is it not used for these exact purposes? Also on those planes, I believe the raft's only work if somebody drops down with them.

That's what I heard. That's what I hurt. That's what I hurt. In the documentary, I get the Party Jones in the Temple of Doom. Yeah. Get the party back together. He's like, yes, of course, the raft. All right, then.

Well, we have a decision to make. We're flying straight into this maelstrom of giant sperm monsters. Or female strum? Female strum of giant sperm monsters. We're going to blast our way through, drop this raft down, and then it's up to you. There's nothing else we can do for you. You're going to have to find some way to get back to the mainland. What are our coordinates?

I don't know. You call yourself a fucking pilot You don't know where you are And you're flying the plane I'm doing my best I'm doing my best in a hard situation Also they have a radio right How far is that radio radio radio radio in your location

We will hold off the spur monsters as long as we can For you to make some sort of getaway And then it's up to you So he punches the fucking throttle Lines up Frutie From where you are sitting with Mothman and Kelsey You're holding on like Jack

your metal exoskeleton is giving you some protection against the biting cold water of the Atlantic but your battery reserves are going to start dropping low and then you're going to have to start taking some survival roles if this doesn't work. You see in the distance this plane coming towards you and starting to drop down low as this plane comes in all of the sperm monsters

the flying sperms, what do we call them? You were calling them. I was calling them fire vampires, but that's not what they're called. There is sky sperm. The sky sperm orbiting around Start closing in on this plane In a desperate attempt to take it down Like enraged little bees protecting the queen

They converge towards the plane Blake give me another firearms roll Okay Oh shit Wait a second What is it? You fucking You have a gun phobia

What are we doing? Okay Um Okay Teacher that's not fair Wait Freddy got to do guns Even though he can't do guns All right

All right this is we're going to write Shot before, though. Here's how we'll fix it. Okay. What if it was all? In my mind. In my mind. Okay, yes, that's very good.

I'm in the lavatory. No, no, no, I think you're still in the ball turret, but you're just going, do, do, do, do, do, do. Splash three bokees. And meanwhile, fucking nothing is happening. And we'll just go ahead and say that that's what's happening right now as well. Actually, give me a sanity role to see if you realize that you're not machine gunning a bunch of guys right now. So you're not even touching the guns, though, right?

Because they're still scared of them. The mere smell of gunpowder has sent me into a few. fugue state right now. You're like insane, essentially. I've gotten nuts. Uh, oh, 67, that's a failure. So yes, you're still in the delusion that you are firing guns and mowing down a bunch of these sky sperm right now. I should have done this during the war. And then we'll say that meanwhile, the sky sperm are now actually, in reality, quickly overwhelming the plane. Well, shit. And now they're latching onto every side of this thing and biting and wriggling pieces of the plane are flying off and beginning to explode. Ebenezer and Yaroslava take a sort of look at each other

and realize they might not be making it out of this one. She's like, if it's all the same to you all, take a cigarette as well. Of course, my dear. And he hands her a cigarette and lights it up and they're both nervously smoking as they hold on to this plane. Just a little farther, just a little closer.

The plane comes in overhead. Ebenezer gets on the radio and says, Anyone who doesn't feel like dying in a blaze of glory would do well to jump out of the plane with the raft right now. Blake's already in the raft. So Blake's in the raft. Push me out, please.

Trudy knows that Blake can't hear her, but she's like, please get Timmy. Get Timmy in the raft. Timmy, wipe off the tears. I'm already in the raft. That was like 10 minutes ago. Thank you for abandoning me, by the way. I appreciate it.

Timi, but did you see how many bogeys I splash? Yeah, it was just real cool, man. You're a real hip cat. You're a real nifty guy. Get in. I'm not talking to you. I need you to lock in and understand that what I did was for the good of the plane. You're here by my grace alone.

The plane comes in low. Flaps full. Flaps full. As slow as possible. How would you drop the thing? You just kick it out. the back. I'm thinking like C130. Yeah, that's what I assume. Okay. That's how we got on. Like Operation Dumbodrop.

It's exactly like Operation Dumber Drip. So they're all getting out of the plane. The plane's getting fucked up, dude. Is anybody staying in the plane? Yes. Okay. Oh, okay. Yes. Because here's, I'll show you what's about to have. Oh. They come in as low as they possibly can. The two of you hop into the raft. We. Ebenezer White is holding onto the controls as the plane is practically fucking flying apart all around him. Yaroslava flexes or guns and pushes the two of you out the back. And you drop. And the last thing you see, as her rushing back to hop into the ball turrets.

And as this raft splashes down into the water, Ebeneuser-White punches the throttle again. The engines roar to life and it begins to take off. You see that ball turret swiveling around, spraying bullets, fucking mowing down monsters left and right. They're dropping like flies. As this flaming plane leads this swarm of sky sperm away from you to give you as much clearance as it can,

and as it hurdles into the distance, you see it explode. dude. And now the party is once again back together. Everyone in the boat. Bobbing up and down in the waves of the Atlantic Ocean. I assume you all climb on board. Yes. I mean, I don't know. I'm so unconscious until somebody

healed me. I will help. There's a first aid kid in here. We as a group probably try to get Kelsey unconsciousness. We healer. So that is going to be By the way, I agree that we probably definitely have the first aid kit. Yeah, there's a first aid kit in the thing. And cigarettes. Yeah, I said a first aid kit. First-Aid kid, dude.

Okay. Trudy doesn't swim over. Trudy just stays staring at Mothman's body. Trudy? Does she see Timmy? I don't think she does. Trudy? Mom!

Trudy, this boy is saying mean things to me. Are you okay? Timmy dives into the water. No, Timmy, stop. Timmy, all right. And then she finally lets Mothman go and backstrokes to the rafts, grabbing Timmy. Does he disappear to the water like Leo does? He absolutely does.

Yeah, as your son swims with you back into the boat. You watch as water fills the spear cavity that Brunhilde left and he drops down into the water below. Trudy just starts crying silently, just crying, yeah. And Timmy pulls you up on the water and just hugs me. He says, it's okay, Mom, it's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Kelsey starts sinking.

No, you guys are, you guys haul Kelsey in. You pulled me in. Yeah, we pulled you in. They pulled you in. So they pulled you in, and so now the two of you, because she's busy doing that. What's your first aid, Anthony? I don't think it's very good. Again, I only do three things.

All right. So how this works is you can both roll in either of you succeed, then you succeed. Do we get any advantage because of the first aid kit or anything? Is that a thing in the rules? Yeah, maybe a little... You don't, you get not disadvantage

is what you get around the ocean. Yeah, because you otherwise would have nothing to do. Ready, and three, two, one, roll. No. Forty one, no. Okay. How much luck do you have? I have...

Oh, man, we're in a real luck-burning mood. Wait, Trudy will do it. You see Blake and Francis failing to revive. Kelsey. And she kind of snaps out of it a little bit and goes over to Kelsey and I'm going to roll. We got 35 first aid. It's still not great. I got 15. Nice to see. Okay. Kelsey, you slowly regain consciousness and you find yourself in this boat in the middle of the ocean surrounded by your friends. Did I tell, am I, am I me, Kelsey? Did I teleport? Am I? You're you. You're you. It's okay. Oh, Trudy. I'm so sorry about.

no it's it's okay i mean it's not okay it's just it's um i just can't believe i left timmy again well he's here i left him though you're just trying to save a friend which is what all of you did you francis blake yes me you're down here too all three of you jumped after me all because i left town i'm so sorry trinity but mothman i mean he's tried to save us and i can't believe we're all alive yeah mom it was um It was, it was, you know, it was, you know, it was, you know, it was, it was, you know, it was, it wasn't. It wasn't, baby. It was really brave, though. It was, it was, you know, like, you jumped out of a plane without a parachute. That was, this was fucking, those, this was awesome.

Point of order, Timmy, she had two parachutes. Blake raises his finger and Francis pushes his hand down. You laid it all on the line, you know, to save someone that you cared about this, fucking, I don't know, I, you don't, I, you know, I got to recognize that that was cool. You know, that was a cool thing you did. But who would have been there for you? I can take care of myself. I'm fine. You know, I can, I got it. The boy seems pretty self-sufficient. Give me a psychology role. I succeed. Yeah, he's lying. Yeah. He's both scared and then you can tell that he's masking his hurt. I live in fine. It would have been cool. Like, you know, like, come on,

I'm a man. Like, I can handle it. Because switch plate and everything, see? I see. Maybe not on the inflatable raft. Francis, I'm talking to my son. Sorry. Francis, for the first time clocks what actually happened. All his adrenaline was going. Now he realizes I killed Trudy's best friend basically and like she's really upset about what's going on and he like completely shrinks back into himself and makes himself as small as possible. Timmy, I was going to say like, you know, can we, can we talk or can I, I don't know, I feel like I've got a lot of catching up to do and I know that we're around all of our closest friends and it's not exactly a private conversation, but I just.

Look, mom, I'm, you know, I'm really like, I. I, you know, it's just, you know, like, a lot has happened in the last, it's spend. I mean, I just, you got to give me, I just, the last thing I remember is dad. And then I'm on this ship and this fucking scary thing. And then the whole world is blown up and I'm falling out of a plane and I'm watching you die. And then I just, I like, who are these people? Who are the fuck are you guys? They're the got a real scream.

It's my bowling team. We are the bowling team. Oh, Jesus. You know me. All right, all right. All right. It's okay. It's okay.

just look um mom i you know i don't even know where i am right now like i but if you want to all right maybe like could you guys go over there and he points to the other end of the boat um i scoot on my butt over the is this fucking psycho going to kill anybody else and he points to francis no no are you sure you guys trust him he won't do anything else timmy looks at you he says his grammar now i trust you i don't i don't trust this fucking kid any farther than i can well i can throw a spear at him. So why don't you, you, I know you're way around this thing

is he took it off me enough times and he hands you to the switch blades as he watches his ass. I talk to my mom. Kelsey does move, you never even thought we were possible. Like, you just hear clicking, you can't see the blade spinning.

And by the time it's done, it's just fucking in her little pocket where she confiscates the confiscation pocket. That's what I saw. It wasn't the dirty things pocket or something? You called it something else. The naughty thing's pocket. She's got a lot of pockets.

You guys all scooch over to the other end of the raft and Timmy sits down next to you. Trudy. Okay, what do you want to say, Mom? I feel like I've been, I feel like I've been waiting to talk to you for so long and I thought that I'd know what to say

but now I'm realizing I really don't but I'm... Well, I mean, you... I know, I know. I said, I said, I want to say I'm sorry, baby, and I... Sorry for what? I know I'm not the original Trudy or but I'm so sorry I left you I didn't I was I was so scared that I

no I was just stupid I was just stupid and I maybe that lets me off the hook but so many times I thought well if I'm not the original Trudy I wouldn't have left him I wouldn't have done the same thing. But then I get scared that I would have. And I, um, and I think I was so scared that you might turn into him, you know? Because I figured raised by a robot and a monster, how could you turn out human, right? But I never thought that you would turn into you and you have. And I, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see it. Okay. I don't know what to do with that. I know. I don't, I don't expect you to, I don't expect you to forgive me.

And you're not her. And she's fucking dead. And you're some fucking copy of her. And I don't know what to do with that, okay? And I'm able to hear in the fucking ocean and the world is ending. And I didn't ask for any of this, okay? I didn't ask for this. I know. It would have been simpler if you had left. It would have been simpler if daddy just let you fucking go. I know that too. but baby I just I'm

fuck we only have ourselves and so nobody's coming to save us mothman's gone everybody else is gone and we only have ourselves and I'm asking

could you could you try to trust me again Yeah, all right. Yeah, fuck it. You want a cigarette? He pulls a pack of smokes out of his pocket. I don't know how these fucking things are still dry, but if you want one, here. Then he holds it up and he's like, his hands are shaking as he holds the cigarette up to you. Trudy grabs his hand and puts it around her and brings him into a hug. Man, I want a hug. I just want to smoke. Do you want to smoke with me or not? Jesus. Someday, I'm going to make this right. Yeah, Mom, I just take the fucking cigarette, okay? I'm just like, just killing me here.

And he's just fine. Smoke with the child. He sticks one in his mouth and starts fumbling around for a light. And at that moment, Trudy... One of her fingers, like, turns into a lighter. Like, B, B, B, V.8. Yeah. Like, the joint cracks open, kind of, and it's a lighter inside.

And so there's a flame coming out of it. And he looks up at you. You know, he sees the sky is gray and dark, filled with the shadows of monsters. But there's the twinkle of this flame in your eye, and you see it in his. as the sea is spraying around you for miles and miles around and maybe it's just a flicker of the light, but you feel like you see a little smile

creep up his face despite himself. And he lights the cigarette with your hand and takes a drag and says, okay, assholes, what the hell do we do now? Fucking gall of this kid. This child is straight up. Kelsey, Kelsey, I was protecting the plane and he gave me guft.

I shot down 100. Plus enemies, bogeys, and he's going to hear the lip on this child, Kelsey. Yeah, Jesus. I mean, I'm a fucked up team, but get your shit together. My mom loves me too much. Jesus Christ. It must be hard. Must be real hard.

Mother, mother, fear me. I am the broken sky. All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary in a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone. that I can see is a hole in the star. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars too far, too far away,

but I'll stay today. Thanks so much for listening. Guess what? The scam likely plush is dropping on the U2's website. Today, August 12th, starting at 3 p.m. Eastern. is U-2s. I hear people like me asking. They make collectibles. That's right. Dungeons and daddies joins venerable licensable IPs like Call of Duty, Dark Souls, Hasbin Hotel, and Squido to team up with U-2s to do a scam likely plush. You can find that on their website, U2s, Y-O-U-T-O-O-Z.com.

Last day the order is going to be August 26th. And once they're gone, they're gone. Unless, of course, you're going to get them from scalpers. And if this drop goes well, I think I think we want to Walter the Immoral, U2s, Y-O-U-T-O-O-ZE.com, and also more news. Thanks to everyone's purchases of our Pride Dice and Art Zines during Pride Month. We've donated $15,459 to Lambda Legal who are fighting to secure equality for LGBT-plus folks. Go work, everyone. Patreon, folks, you're eating good this month. We got part four of our Dungeons and Daddy's European Tour documentary dropping this week,

which is the last part in our doc series covering our European tour last year. If you've ever wondered what we say to each other before we go out on stage that changes every tour, but this tour it was. All right, ready? This is going to ruin the tour. What tour? The world tour. Also, this tour Beth came out and did the song Dead and Gone as Scary Marlowe, which is off the album we made last season.

Video for that is dropping Tuesday next week only on the Patreon, maybe on social media later. Next Tuesday is also when the after show for this episode comes out on Patreon. So overall, if you enjoy our show, anyone in the show, deeper, richer, multimedia experience, then head on over to our Patreon. And starting at five bucks a month, you will get a mountain of additional stuff to watch and listen to and add free episodes. How much do you value your time? Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads.

Dungeons and Days is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Beth May is Trudity Trout and myself. Freddie Wong and Blake Lively. Our theme song is a hold in the stars by Max and Waller. And Nisa Omerand is our content producer, who you also heard her in the opening. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager.

Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Else is our lead editor, Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. Our show is supported by a Patreon with people like Brandon Darmstadt, Matt Leach, the mad lad, Benny, Taylor, Kelly Carmine, Alfred Estekka, Peter Scully, Nine Toes, Tarell and Cate, Tarell and Caterall. Too Many Spaner, Too Many Spanors, Tyler Oxenholm, Ian Pooperson, Trash Goblin, Smammie, Dan, Jerry Barney, Jim Smith, Matthew Verstagan, Gracie Savage, McTilly, and Zistaz. You can support us directly on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merchant more at Dungeons and Daddies.com.

Beth, I hear, is killing it at Edinburgh Fringe. They're writing about her. Shows are selling out. You better get tickets. But you won't need tickets to listen to this show. The next one coming at you, August 26th. See you then. All that I can see is a hole in the star.

Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. far away but I'll stay today all that I can see the stars stars swallowing my

dreams and making them scars too far, too far away that I stay today Everyone says that I'm Oh yeah We're gonna put Patrick Warburton those episodes Everyone says that Anthony's got the best Patrick Warburton

But I've been holding on to mine It's pretty good Where has that been? That's really good. Where the fuck has that been? You've fucking been fucking fighting left-handed this whole time? What the fuck? Holy shit.