Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 32 - Lifeboat

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

A bowling team finds themselves adrift in the mid-Atlantic.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Drug/Alcohol Use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold Francis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth May Blake Lively is Freddie Wong Theme song is “A Hole in the Stars” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandes provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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At this time, all personal wards and amulets should be safely sewn to seat back in front of you as they may interfere with the aircraft's glyph of protection. Once airborne, we'll let you know when you can pray to approved old and elder gods, but please know that some prayers may not be uttered at any time. You can find a list of approved rights and rituals in the in-flight information section of the Skymal Nomicon. There are 12 M-101 howitzer cannons on this plane, five on each side of the main deck, and one on each side of the sacrifice deck. Please take a moment to locate the howitzer closest to your seat,

and keep in mind your closest howitzer may be behind you. In the event of a mid-air collision, these howitzers may be clung to and fire downward to slow your descent into the Atlantic Ocean. To operate an M-101 howitzer, please retrieve the 105-millimeter shell from under your seat, loaded into the breach, a just range of necessary, and fire. Be sure to fire your howitzer before helping others. If you're sitting in the howitzer row and are unwilling or unable to operate an M-101 howitzer, or if you suffer from the dreaded curse of the worm,

please let us know and we'll be happy to find your seat on the sacrifice deck. Well, once again, welcome aboard Flight 6666666-66 to Peacherville, And from all of us on your flight crew today, thanks for flying the friendly skies. Flat 10s, prepare doors for Archer and Cross Check. Well, in the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. A peachy one. Every episode, there's more spite in your voice when you say Nata. Not a BDSM podcast.

This season we're playing. This show is a not a BDSM podcast. This season we're playing Call of Cthulhu, Willisar, DM, and this is called the Peachyville horror. This is a Call of Cthulul actual play horror comedy podcast, about four everyday schmows fighting the forces of darkness in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. My name is Freddy Wong. I play Blake Lively. the the you even forget no because you punched your microphone i'm so excited for fucking that why you're puncher can't wait to hear about like matt mike puncher arnold over there

tyson's mike punch dude i can beat met titan's bike puncher fucking blindfold when you go up against plosive papimsky in matt tyson's mike punch oh shit this week's blake lively fact Of all the bodies of water, he prefers the oceans the least. Because in his words, it is simply too salty. That's it. Okay.

Gere, look at that body. It's so salty. It's full of salt. We're fucking a killing this episode already. Shit. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're in a vehicle right now that's moving buckle up because this episode is going to be a comedy roller coaster. No, we're exhausted from trying to make each other laugh.

for an hour before we started to record. We were trying to save you all from that talk, but now we're here. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Graver. Pitchieville is the happiest and snappiest school marm. And you know, she always says, what? Teaching her children is the greatest joy of my life until 3 p.m. In which case, leave me alone. Nice.

Little fact about Kelsey. School doesn't even get out until 4. Yep. She just check out around 3 the same time. kids do that last hour is her time a little fact about kelsey is with everything that's been going on she has had a lot of time to self-reflect but she did do enough that she is tired of living one letter at a time and if she does survive this she is not waiting and she's buying a cat a dog and emu and a ferret all at once she's getting all her pets and she'll keep going but she's not

waiting anymore that's all into that little apartment that she's living in you know ross has got backyard so they can talk you move in the backyard whatever you know there's probably a G animal but right now it's four good right now four is good wait goose okay a gorilla gerbil gerbil she's getting both those now too nice can you imagine like horse i don't know say you've been dating someone for a couple years and you're getting pretty serious and you're thinking about like um you know like what your future looks like together and then you're like yeah babe we're gonna have a nice house with a white picket fence and emu in the backyard

and then she's like what what do you mean and then you know you just you would be in hot water then I think what is it animals? All the boys are working on something really difficult right now

animal that starts no no Googling no googling all right stop the podcast Google with a animal that starts No one! No one! Thank God that's why you have a woman on the podcast Yep. It's so important to have diverse viewpoints.

Parangetan, as you said. Paragon. Plataplus. I'm sorry. Quaka. Quaker. Quaker. Of course.

Quaker. Yeah. Reindeer. Racco. Snake. What is happening? All right. Just go.

We're so close. We're so close. Water bison. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, um, um, umbrella. There's got to be a subample that has an umbrella in it. Urchin, a sea urchin. Urchin. A sea urchin.

Okay. Just urchin is, oh, please, sir. Mr. Twist here. Vampire bat. That feels like... That's the name of the bat! That's the name of the bat. That feels like an adjective.

No, it's called a vampire bat. Wait, wait, just a clever. It's not a bat, and they say, that one's vampir-y. Like, the name of the bat is vampire bat. W. Waterbison. Walrus. X, oh, no.

It's the, oh, is that one. Hey, hey, you're criticizing Matt for doing vampire bat, and then you come up with water bison? Matt opened the door. Your Honor, your honor, the prosecution established precedent in this matter. Isn't that water bump? There's that thing that looks like a deer that starts with an X, right? What's that fucking thing?

What is it? An Ibex? Shit. Damn. It's got X in it. Yeah, I don't think we're going to be okay. X. Let's let this jangle and then somebody's like 20 minutes and we'll say it.

Wait, wait, can I just say really quick? Just informal. Yeah, and Zbro, we just need X. No, informal, but I will say this. When you type into Google, animal starting with the top. letters are X is the first one that everyone's worrying about you which we passed with flying colors

S We said urchin Yeah It's an urgent It's an animal A score puck and score S Which what do we say for S

Snakes Snakes The easiest one in the world An animal starting with N But X shows up a while N was hard Was X? Who's turned this week? I've got known X

We did the other ones Just get it to me No no No No No This podcast is all about the terror of the unknown, Matt.

X-Men. X-Men are not animals, they are people. If someone without Googling gives me an X-animal before the end of the episode and honor system on this, you'll get a true. I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you right now, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen.

Oh, is there like non-animal. Fucking Freddy cheated. I'm just looking at those. That's why all those fucking alphabet books always put like Fox. They do. I don't think there's an ex-animal. There are, but it's just like,

they got long-ass fucking man. I bet if you had a pet animal with really sharp fangs like a shark or something, but it was a pet, you could name him exacto, and that would be kind of an animal. They would come after you for copyright, but then it's me. It's me now.

Hi, I'm Anthony Burchard. I play Francis Farnsworth, a kid in the ocean who almost died but didn't quite, but might again. I have two Francis facts. One breaks the fourth wall, one does. The first one that doesn't break the fourth wall is that I mentioned earlier that Francis is worried that God hates him because God sees him masturbating.

And now that he knows that the powers that B exists, and that's multiple gods. He's like 10 times more terrified. Oh, no. And they've all been watching him. And that's why they made a big dick go down in the middle of the world. He feels like he's responsible for this with all the jorking he did. No, no.

The age of no fap has begun. Four ball breaking one is, if you are interested in vacationing outside of this country, let's say, I would start applying now because it often takes an average of 12 to 18 months for that country to approve your vacation request. You can do digital. I thought you've gone to places before then. You must be very privileged then. Yeah, there's a digital visa. This is you can look at. Canada has a point system. You know, great places to spend a little bit of time temporarily and not for the rest of your life.

So my name is Beth May and I play Trudy Trout, Homemaker in the Ocean, Mother of One Child, that she really needs to work on that relationship with. This is an ex-parate. Is that something? No. Cut it. What do you mean ex-parate? He's doing the pit from a Moni Python. Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry as I am. That depends. Are you doing a podcast? You're trying to get a fucking laugh at a middle school lunch table in 1998. Weren't you the guy that saw Austin Powers the first time when he's like 16 and trying to bring it back? Go ahead, Beth. Fun fact about Trudy is that, yes, she homeschools her children, or as she likes to call it, engages in machine learning.

32 episodes, you're still killing it. It's a tremendous power drain for her to do that, though. Yes. But not as much as you think now. Large language model joke. Look, Taylor Swift can fly her jet to a concert. I can make a picture of her flyer jet to the concert.

Holy shit. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I am your daddy master. I am your minister of doom or whatever. Fucking, I'm the one. Wait, there's the name for her. What are your keeper?

You're the keeper. You're a keeper of the keys. You're a daddy's keeper. I'm daddy's keeper. I'm your father's keeper. And my spooky fact for you today. It's my favorite part. The bloop, the source of a mysterious rumble, for the longest time, this fucking sound that got picked up in the ocean, and they were like, it's like the loudest, largest sound ever made.

They were like, this was organic in nature. So for the longest time, until science ruined everything, everyone was like, there's a big, scary monster at the bottom of the ocean that made the bloop. That's what religion is. Just people that don't want science to ruin everything. A fucking glacier fell into the ocean or something like that. I mean, that's cooler than the fucking wow signal from space. What's with the wow signal?

Wait, don't tell me. It was a signal that was so loud and hiding. The guy wrote wow on it. Like, there must be aliens. And then they're like, no, a guy used the microwave in the break room. Wow. I can't wait for my hot burrito. Wow.

Half of this is cold. All right. Do you guys want to do it? Let's do it. We're in the fucking middle of the ocean next to a dick. I have no fucking clue how you guys are going to get. We're in the ocean. Partially your job.

Just to remind everyone of some important things that have been happening. You all, a couple episodes ago, we're in a big scary goo chamber. You're all in Mothman's goo chamber and you had interesting dreams. Matt, Kelsey dreamed that she saw Milton hiding in his closet while his mother was defending him while the fucking door to their house is breaking down. Milton told you about the spooky book that he found that had the lists of the date of everyone's death in Peachyville, but the only name that wasn't there was yours, and all of the names at the end of the book seem to be dying

dot, dot, dot, two days from now. But not me. But not you, but you don't know. But it is also weird that I could die earlier. Shit. Yeah, you don't know. What are the five things that are on my bracelet? It is an eye.

I. A peach. A compass. An eggplant emoji? A lock. The squirting water. The phrase funny. And a skull.

Another squirting water, believe it or not. And a birthday cake. And one of those ones where it just says the word cool. Wait, does birthday cake have like a separate meaning? I don't know. Means for your birthday. Okay. If you get eight pie emoji a birthday cake, you got a good time when you get home.

Like what else could it be? I put my dick in your cake. But yes, you are aware that if Milton's no. book, which is Neri missed once so far, is right, everyone in Beechieville will die. Yes. At the end of the day tomorrow. So Zuzel will win, and the powers that be will die, well, assuming, this is what I'm deducing, but Bejivil will die.

Blake, you had a spiritual connection, the whole lot of that scene in Kung Fu Panda where the old man dies with Ambrister, who tried to teach you the gunatas but failed, but you asked him if there was any way out of this crisis that you find yourselves in, and he gave you one last cryptic hint, and he told you to seek the sinking light. What could it possibly mean? We'll come up this episode. I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. We'll find out. That would be maybe why I said it up here so that you'd remember it. Francis Astral projected back to Peachyville and saw the shit was going down. People were getting rounded up. It was bad vibes. You also went to the... Dr. Dogs. You went to Dr. Dogs. You went to Dr. Dogg had gotten the key out,

and then her assistant was actually working for the bison. So I killed him and he dropped the key. And as far as I know, that's where it still is. Yes. Trudy didn't get one I didn't get a recap Well you didn't I mean you've been like You've been good You were bad

No it's just Trudy to bring us back up to speed Mothman fixed you up You got a heart to heart with your son Rella Schwett showed up and blew up the ship Yeah You're done Trudy And you look at like a lot of RPGs have like

Relationship trackers Like you scroll down You're like Trudy Trudy Trudy Okay got it all It's good We're done We're done We're not done with Trudy

That's the worst thing I've ever heard Trudey didn't have any load-barying clot points that needed to be reminded of the start of the recap. Because Will knows I can't be trusted with that. I can't remember the five things I'm supposed to remember. The five things you're supposed to remember. It's another word. You're out of boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. What do you want to do?

We were singing. 96 bottles of beer on the wall. 96 balls of beer. You take one down and pass it around. When do you guys think somebody's going to like home in on Trudy's signal? Trudy, are you broadcasting your signal? What do you mean broadcasting? You're like a radio also, right?

You're not like everything. You're robots. Thank you. I do think I have a nice singing voice. Oh, yeah. I got a question for you guys. Yeah. What's up?

What makes you think that the crazy world out there cares about five squares in a lifeboat? Oh, we don't. We're just throwing out lines for you to pick up at your leisure. It sounds like, you know, if anyone's going to save us, it's going to be us, right? I don't think we can wait on anybody to take care of this situation for us. Who is this? Yeah, it's Timmy.

It's me, Timmy. Oh, hello, Timmy. Come on, Francis. Okay, Timmy, what's your idea? My idea is, hey, my ideas we should think of an idea instead of singing about thoughts on wall. You have a concept of a plan. That's Francis, Timmy, that's a good idea. Sometimes the best way to think of an idea.

Hey, Francis. What? What? I don't like you. Okay, boys. That's fine. I don't like you, Francis. That's fine.

Your opinion doesn't matter to me. I say we solve this with a fight. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to fight. We're going to learn about each other. True. Kelsey, with all due respect. Excuse me. I was in a boat with you guys right now.

I don't know why I used the past tense. And so we don't really have a way out of here. And yes, I agree to me. We should find a way. But when else are we going to be at the edge of the apocalypse with, you know, the five people that mean most to us? This guy doesn't mean anything to me. I don't like it. Listen to me.

I'm in the same boat as you, literally. but I like you so much. I just think we should get to know each other a bit. With your fist, this is the way of men. Timmy, what's your favorite color? You should know that. I mean, is that what the parents have to know? No, I know.

I know I should know it. For the record, the night sky. Wow. That's my favorite color, the color of the night sky. You know what, Francis? No, that's good. That's good? What's your favorite color, Francis?

Yes, Francis. What's your favorite color? What's your favorite color? As I've mentioned before, I'm colorblind, so blue, because it's the only one I know what it looks like. That's kind of cool, actually. Thank you. We're building bridges. Okay, everybody's done building bridges? Everybody's good? Well, what do we have? What's the equipment and the things that we have that we could use? I can astro project, but I can only astro project so far

when I'm sleeping. Wait, what? Oh, yeah, is that not the thing I told you I could do? That's how I saved us. Sorry, what that's true? And you've got, hmm, what else? Let me think. You've got a curse gun that kills people. Yeah, I don't love that. Oh, Francis.

Yeah. This cursed gun of yours. My defense, you turned into a spear, but yes. Cursed weapon, let us just say. Could you perhaps turn it into a Civil War era Gatling gun and use it to propel our boat across the Atlantic and very quick speeds? I think previously I used it as a halitzer and gave up all my luck in order to do so. So I don't know if I want to go back to that well again. And didn't it sink where Osama bin Laden is?

Oh, yeah. It did. Brut holds back on your back. Is she spear or a gun? Spear form. What's about the... Oh, oh, oh. We can row with third.

We turned that sharp end away from the raft? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. In fact, can it turn back into a gun? Yes, it turns back into a gun. I mean, you can still pop the raft in a different way. Yeah, yeah.

The shooting is less likely than just big... Francis, do you want me to pop so raft? It's so funny if we all sankling. You know, I can use the shoulder guard to, like, row a little bit. That'll make me feel like I'm doing something. Or just shoot the gun a lot and then make the boat go fast. She does have limited ammo. Oh, it also when Renault turns to the gun, Blake goes,

is anything else in this raft? I looked this. I did a lot of research. Instead of figuring out what this episode was going to happen, I went down a rabbit hole on the survival gear that you would find in a raft like this. Excellent. So among the many things you find, this is literally written on the tin, is you find a box of survival rations,

which is enough to feed one man for six days or six men for one day. Okay. Kelsey for three days. So like Chelsea for three days. We're sure to eat infinitely. And this is fun fact. It's mostly filled with candy because, like, they would use candy because like that was the sugar. Oh, buttery.

Yes. Are there little paddles? Yeah, we'll say you got two. paddles. Well, Francis has been complaining we're not doing anything. Kelsey has been rowing. Okay. Which direction are you rowing?

Away from the dick. Okay, good. That's far away from the dick as possible. Okay. And that's what we've been doing. And just so you know, your mother was singing to help me with the rhythm. I mean, she could help by actually rowing. But at least we are trying to do something, okay?

All right. You have access to Zuzel in your mind, right? You can talk to him? Yeah. So actually, Kelsey, there's an empty hole in your consciousness where Zuzel used to be. He's Splitsville. No. You haven't seen hide nor hair of him after he tried to give you that goodbye smooch

and you close the door on him. Yeah. Well, I have half of an idea. If we could use Trudy's like internal mechanisms to like make a radio and find some way to like, I don't know, I could like astrally project to boost the signal. I don't know, something. But if we can contact somebody back in Peachyville and tell them where the blue key is, then we'll have all the keys we need to kill Zuzel, which means we have leverage over him.

So we could like make him save us maybe or make him, you know, do, I don't know. So really quick, just, I want to save us. And I think you may all know this, but right now, the situation is, I think all of Peachyville is going to die. Yeah. But if Peachyville dies, the world is saved. Yeah. And if we stop Peachyville from dying, the whole world's going to end, which would mean also Peachyville. Yeah.

Yeah. You were arguing against this exact line of logic. No, no, I'm just stating the situation just so that we understand. I personally don't mind if Peachyville dies if the rest of the world is. I mean, I mind, but like, I'm willing to accept it, but I'm trying for, you know, third option. Yeah, that's the best of the two options, but I can't, those are my students. And I mean, I guess then all my students would die anyways. I am with Kelsey. Pitchieville must be saved. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm down to try. Yeah, we should try. And I don't know if Zuzel, I mean, Zuzel seems pretty one shot by it. I don't know. Well, he doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to die. True. Wait, wait, really quick. For Zuzel to even appear, Peachyville's already died, right? Yes, in the act of summoning him. Okay. They sacrifice a bunch of Also, to clarify, just so we have it on the record, Arlo explained to you that the three keys activate a weapon that will destroy whatever is in the ritual chamber, which is the thing that Zuzel is birthed out of, which is what killed Tony. Mother. Mother, yes. Okay. Oh, this is good.

Timmy, you seem to know a law about this. So to clarify, wait, if somebody turns the keys, Zuzel appears or does it appear? That's not appear. What I remember from when my mom was brilliantly recapping the whole adventure that you guys have been on, without missing a single detail. Yes. And, you know, and I was listening to her. You didn't great job, Trudy.

You call her your mom. Huh? Oh. She's my mom. Yeah. I got complicated feelings about her, but she's my mom. That's a step. Hey, Francis, when I want to hear what an asshole thinks, I'll fart.

Whoa. That's pretty good. That's a really good one. That's pretty good. I can't complain about that one. Putting that one in my back pocket. This is what I want to know. If we do nothing, Zuzel arises or Zuzel doesn't arise.

If we all sit on her ass out here in the ocean. That's what I'm asking. It seems like this cult back in town will sacrifice everybody, and that will cause Zuzel to appear and fight the powers that be, this big space wiener in the sky. Okay, so we do nothing the world is saved, but Peachyville's dead. Yeah. But again, who knows, right?

Did we ever hear, like, what Zuzel does afterward? Does he just, like, hang out? So he seems to have left me. I can't really talk to him. Yeah, I'm just trying to remember if we ever learned what would happen after he fought the powers that be. No, he didn't really talk about after. Because that sounds like a pretty bad situation, too.

Maybe he, like, makes the whole world like his, like, slaves or something. Yeah, yeah, stuff like that. When dealing with all powerful beings, we can never be too sure. Maybe we all turn into ants or something, and we're stuck in an ant body for the rest of our lives, and we're just ants in an ant hill. Oh, man, I'd be so strong, though. Well, we're rowing away from the dick, which is not really a direction.

Blake, have you figured out which direction this is? Based on the position of the sun in the southern hemisphere, we are in the northern hemisphere. And based on the time, hey, this is, this is geogessor meta, Will. Keep going, you're doing great, like, imagine this at night, but that's fine. I don't see any light poles or ballers. You're learning from an elder. And I'm looking down and I don't see the Google Street View car, so I can't pull any meta off

of that. Okay. No ballards, no light poles, just ocean, so we can have some directionality. This appears to be Gen 4 coverage. There's a couple of geogessor guys out there who are having a great time with me right now. That's great. I'm not one of them, though, so could you do it? Tony.

The sun. Amazing. There's a compass in the boat. Like, yes, you have the- The compass. Yeah, I'll throw you guys a little bit. There's not just no clock

that goes in weird directions based on where you look. Okay, okay. They were heading west. I'm rowing west. Okay. That's the way. And if it's not in the dick

in the dick's way, then I'm just trying to get us towards America. Let me try to summarize the things we have. Yes. Go, Francis. You got this. I can astroject.

Great. You once had zoos on your head, but you no longer did it. No, he's gone. Trudy has a fuckload of different moles that when Press could do random things. We don't know what, but some of them surely must be useful. We have any more legs still?

No, my leg exploded. We have a pair of Trudy legs. We do have a pair of Trudy legs. Dangle those gams over the edge of the boat. Somewhere the big table with all the legs on them must have landed and is floating somewhere, but I don't see it right now. How many legs do we have, DM? Right now you have the two legs attached to Trudy in the boat.

And all of your legs in arms, which don't have hover capability. But Trudy can, maybe this happened around like 10 bottles of beer on the wall. Okay. Like, do you think we put your legs, like, in the boat to, like, make, like, a little engine? A little propeller? Yeah. Sure. Even if that's a case, it will take so long to get into America.

No, I don't. We're just one step in the same time. This is. I think you've a different step in a different way. Yeah, yeah, that's why. Because we were barely out of Russia by the time the plane crashed, which means we could go back to Russia and steal a plane. And that would be, like, a million times faster. But I'm homesick. I want to get you home.

I would say you're equidistant in the brain. Well, hold on. Where did they drop in the plane? Were we in the plane? I've heard you Google where they dropped our time. That's where we are. Today, wait. Wait, they don't know.

They don't know. They never said. If we could find out, that'd defeat the purpose. James Cameron would be down there right now. Wait, was it like the Indian Ocean? I think it was. Yeah. You're in the Indian Ocean.

Tragically, you're not where else. That was the cover story. Hey, by the way, just saying, listen, all right, I was going to take a beat. If you're the U.S. government and you've killed, like, the guy you've been going after, What's the easiest way of throwing people off the track? Be like, we put them in the North, the Indian Ocean. Psych, idiots. Do you think of believe us?

We're in the North Atlantic Ocean. Yes. Somewhere in the middle. The North Atlantic, that means there's icebergs. Not that north. Team, if we're equidistant, then Francis O'Grady, I think if we have to steal a plane, it's just as easy to steal an American plane, then a European one, and they speak English in America. Yeah.

So let's just, we'll keep heading west. We'll keep heading west. And I'm not saying that that's going to be the answer because we'll probably, I mean, we will not get there before the time's up. At least we're getting closer. So if you have an idea, you know, whoever comes to save us doesn't have to fly us.

So here's what I will say. Yes. I like this idea of using Trudy as a propeller, which will make you move a little further. If you want Trudy to keep propelling, she has to eat more rations than you guys. Oh, okay. That's fine.

That's fine. I have an insane idea. Okay, go Francis. Go, Francis. What if I make Brunhilda turn into a surface-to-surface and have her launch herself at the nearest American base? Holy shit. They will then trace these.

origin of the missile to us. And then I guess we wave at them out. They want to see what happened. They'll look first and then we'll wave at him and say, stop help. Francis, I appreciate this idea. And I think there's something there is a part of it we could use. I will say famously, when America sees a missile coming, they shoot first and ask questions later, which is why, which is the difficulty about nuclear operation.

I have something to say to you, Francis, which is that as much as I like this goofy plans that would involve me killing a bunch of Americans. for no reason. I can only turn into weapons that I have seen. I've never seen this surface-to-surface missile of it.

You saw a howitzer? When you did you see a howitzer? When I was in fucking World War II, Ding-dong? Then you may have not. Then you probably saw missiles. Wait, do you? How many fucking World War II soldiers

do you think saw rockets? The V-2 rockets? You think they just let me seize that? They were launching the V2. They were launching the V-1s. They were launching the V-1s at, what's the fastest-loudest thing you've ever been, Berhilda?

The fastest-loud. Was it the howitzer? the fastest, loudest weapon Brunhilda has ever been. Just give me a little back story Brunhilda. So the last guy she was with was probably like a fucking

Nazi sniper on the eastern front or on the western front. Western front because that's where Francis's dad picked her up. So like, yeah, just a German infantry guy. And it's a weapon, not a vehicle.

So like the fastest weapon, it's the fastest weapon is you're looking at it, baby. Okay. Francis tell her said I said, that they'll cool like that. That I said you're looking at it, baby. She didn't say anything helpful.

So you can ask her project. I guess you want to just go searching. Francis, tell her. Tell her what I said. No. Can we send for... You killed Mothman. I'm not talking to you right now. Can we send Francis out like a Falcon and Assassin Street game to like look around and see if there's any... Attack the enemies. Sure. Yeah. I love that.

I feel like if that was an idea, like since we conogically said we got to 96 bottles of beer on the wall. I feel like Francis has been sent out to look around the ocean to see if there's anybody else near us. Okay. Great. I love this. So this is what I was going to say like now that you guys are stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, potentially for days, if not weeks, if not months. months on end. No, it can't be that because you said we're going to all die the next day. Yeah, two days, dude.

Well, not all of us. I was talking about a few hours. We've been in the ocean for a few hours. How long has it been? It's only been a call. I was saying you might be stuck out here for who knows how long. I was thinking we could go back to my patented morning afternoon night action system. Oh, okay.

So if you would like your morning action to be to sail westward while Francis scouts the area around you, that sounds lovely to me. How fast does Trudy's legs propels? We'll say the hover boots. You're getting like. 30 knots. 30 knots. The don't list has the power in this water,

but none can match the pearl for speed. I can't remember what the line is in fucking... Oh, yeah. That's really good. It's close. I've seen it too many times. I'd say like an outboard motor, like a fishing boat motor.

Just give me a number. A number? M.P.H. 15 horsepower outboard motor can achieve speeds between 10 and 30 miles an hour. 30. 30. Let's take...

20. Mid the middle. You guys can go 20 MPH. It'll take us 80 hours to get across the ocean. And then we're on the East Coast. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just playing everything out there. So we know.

80 hours. 80 hours. So that's more than a day. Actually, that's more than a day. That's a lot faster than I would have thought. Yeah. I'm like, damn.

That's way faster than I would have thought to get across the Atlantic Ocean. I said halfway between the Atlantic Ocean is like 3,200 miles. So half of that's 1,600 miles. And then I said, how long does it take to get 16 hours going 20 miles per hour? And it's 80 hours. Holy shit. This feels, I mean, there might be inclement weather and stuff like that. You guys running.

What do you want? What do you want? I'm just doing this. No, no, no, no. I got a little Excel sheet on the boat here, and I'm just writing stuff down. Yes, let's have Francis look around within distance, and I guess what's the mechanic for seeing you if he sees anything? Yes, you're at a cruising speed of 17.37 knots.

Okay. I will say that for every day that you guys do this, Trudy would have to eat two X rations. So we have 48 hours. We have six actions before two dollars. We need to figure out how to get into the air. Yes. That's, to me, the only way that we can get out of this, or we need to get way faster with the boat.

Your morning actions, you're cruising. Francis's morning action is to soar around using his astral projection to see if there's anything out here. Okay. You guys start clipping across the ocean. Francis, you rise up into the sky and you see the following things. You see obviously the big fucking dick that is

destroying the earth because you masturbated. And all the horrible little floaty sky sperm are like, they're kind of just circling like vultures right now. They're just like hovering around this thing, almost like a no fly zone. They're like in a sort of defensive pattern to protect this thing. A no cum zone. A no fat zone. We could do the James and the giant peach idea.

Oh, my God. Do you want to lasso at one of these sperm? A lot of them. Just like James did with his... With the seagulls. And he used the worm to attract the seagulls. Let's first hear what the other things I see are, and then we'll come back to that. When you get in the air.

I'm not averse to it. I just want to know what our options are. Yeah, we'll say that you see the wreckage of the table, and you see a couple of floating legs bobbing in the water. You see a couple, let's say, oh, guys. What? You fucking... Are you guys fucking ready? fucking ready for this.

I've been waiting. I'm so excited. I just bought myself a new little toy. You may be wondering what this cool watch I have. Yeah, I was. What is this cool watch? This cool watch is from time stop technologies. And it's the only digital wristwatch with a built-in tabletop dice roller.

Wow. So I will now use my wrist watch. Is it digital or physical? The D-20 watch. No way. Yeah. I will now use my wrist watch to roll a D-6 to, find how many, and you guys got four Trudy

legs. Okay. I was really expecting, like, a bigger reaction to have fun of those watches. I'm sorry. So there are four Trudy legs out there attached to the table. Yes. You could reach them this afternoon. Oh, great. Well, that's more than triples our speed, so we'll get there in time. And so that's to the north, we'll say, which is not to the west. You'd have to

divert your path to go there. Then to the south, like far off in the distance. The legs you can reach this afternoon, this is just like Winwaker, man. This is so cool. Yes. That's where a big ass dick and he can't move. You're stuck in the ocean. the wind waker. No sails big dick, just like wind waker. To the south, way off in the distance, you can barely detect like a faint light,

like a faint green light that seems to be dispersed just under the surface of the water. It's submerging, like the light you were supposed to have like a sinking light. Yeah, sinking light. I don't know. I think God wants us to go south. Well, can you just ask a project? I think God has shot down every other idea of it. No, you do whatever you want.

I'm just fucking throw, you guys, I'm just throwing fucking shit out there. Can you ask every one? You guys want to lasso skies for a fucking go for it? Can you astro-project there? Francis, here's what I would like. If you could just indulge your teacher for a moment. It sounds like you can astro project, which I'm just accepting at face value. As well, you should.

Yeah, yeah. So I would like for you to run two experiments. Ooh, which is the control? There's no control. It's not really experiments. Oh, no. It's not really experiments. I only learned one thing about the scientific methods.

You have got on control. I should say experiments. I saw you did two things. Why? Can you get close? Can you see where the light is? Yeah. And I want to see if the sky creatures, if they sense you,

when you're astrojecting and if they'll, like, follow you or chase you. Okay. Because, class, let me just super, my possible idea, which is if,

and this is a big if, if we could lasso these seasburbs. With what? Again, let me finish. Francis, one step at the time. If we could be lasso the sea sverb and fly and they would chase you,

like, you know, like the hounds at the racetrack chasing the rabbit. Yeah. Like, and you could fly, because the problem

with the astrojection is your body's actually there. So you can just be asleep in here. and you soar us over to America and the sea sperm's chase you. That's just an idea. Maybe it's a little whimsical, but just an idea. No, that's fair.

We should be trying everything. Francis, go try and get the sperm to chase you. Okay, well, first of all, in order, I wanted to do the other thing first because they're going to see where the light is. If I do the sperm thing first and they chase you towards the light. If I do the sperm thing first, then they chase me, then I won't even get to know what's over there like because I'll be panicking.

Okay, fair enough. Francis, what would you like to do? Okay, so first I want to go check out the light, see as close as I can get before my, like, astral tether pulls me back. Okay. I sing you all a bite-up, you go to sleep.

What are you saying? Huh? Yeah, sing it. Sing it. Say it. A, B, C, T, E, R-G. It's the same tune as twinkle, twinkle, and you chose the alphabet.

H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P. Alligator starts with A, we don't know what X is. B is bat and V's vampire bat. Francis, give me a disadvantaged constitution role to go to sleep. No, what? Nobody laughed. It was boring. It makes you go to sleep. Ooh, I got a nine and a 13, so I pass.

Wow. Okay, so you managed to sleep like Francis. You managed to go back to sleep. You glide south towards the glowing light, and as you approach, you realize that it is, in fact, from Mothman's ship, the wrecked debris of Mothman's ship, which is by some sort of ethereal power and also, like, some of the exploded non-Newtonian goo is submerged just a couple feet underwater. and there's this glowing light coming from what's left of the engine room. It's submerged just under the water, but you can tell it is slowly sinking

to the briny deep. So I'm going to now head over to the spermies and see if they follow me as I head back to the boat. So you like sword underwater there. They didn't see you. And then when you're coming back to the boat, you're above water. Exactly.

Yeah. There you go. I only draw agro when I have to draw. Yeah, come on. So you then glide on. Under the water, back towards the big sky weaner. How close to it are you bursting back out? I mean, what is the limit of my astral projection?

You can make it there, because you guys aren't that far from it. I'll just go there. Okay. Until I see any sort of reaction from them whatsoever, and then I'll start heading back. So you fly over as you get closer. It's hard to tell. As you approach, they don't seem particularly concerned with you because they happen to be locked in a pitched air battle with some fighter planes

that seem to have arrived on the scene, probably sordied from a far-off aircraft carrier or something like that. Well, I'm going to go into one of the planes. Let's lasso the fighter plane. Yeah. They're tearing these things fucking apart. They're just ripping through these things.

Oh, those fighter planes are not going to survive the next 30 seconds? It does not seem like it. They're going to try. But they are preoccupied with that, so they don't seem to have noticed to. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Sorry. There's fighter planes. Yeah. Which means there's an aircraft carrier nearby. They have aircraft carriers? Yes, it changed the course of World War II. That was the dark horse that redefined the war in the... You're right. You're right, yes.

The Pacific was the side with the aircraft? Huge aircraft carriers were so instrumental, Will. So there's aircraft carrier nearby, which means... There's an aircraft carrier within 500 miles of us. 500 miles? Yeah. World War II, Matt. Not modern jets.

And aircraft carriers go... Oh, 34 miles per hour, so we could get the home in 50 hours. We got aircraft carrier. I'm just giving to stats. I'm saying the airplanes... Also, it seems like very clearly we should go inside. I'm just throwing that. Look, that's what you see. The bigger point I was bringing up, if you want to get their attention,

you're going to have to get their attention somehow. Hey! One of them stops and looks at you. Cool. I can see me. Yeah. Call it stupid and run away from it. Let's see what chases you. I'm the reason you're here.

It's my jism that summoned you to this place. I'm basically your God. It's me. I'm back. Give me a, what do you want to call this? What are you trying to do to these guys? Is you trying to provoke them? Fast talk or psychology?

Give me a persuade role. No. They go back to fighting the P-51 Mustangs that are fucking, that are circle-straving and having ill effect on. No, we got to go, now we got to do the one thing that we thought we had to do. Sorry, sorry, sorry, hold on, Will. The Mustangs are circle-straving. Well, they're strafing around it and the, yes, they're circle strafing.

The powers that be have fucking given the U.S. military Wazdi technology. There's no way they're losing. There's no way they're losing. You can interact with them, but if you want to get them to chase, you're going to have to do something to provoke them. I'm going to get closer, but they do notice.

I'm just making noises? Yeah, I'm just coming at them going to like slimer. Grab their little cummy tails. I don't know if I'm going to get that close. I'm just going to keep on, I don't like that word, Freddie. I don't like the word cummy. I don't want to hear that.

All right, yes, you are able to, by making enough noise and causing enough of a nuisance, get one of them pissed off enough to kind of deem you a threat, and it starts chasing after you. I head back towards the boat. So you guys see like a single sky sperm chasing nothing through the air towards you guys. Oh, I know that's not nothing. That must be our boy, Francis.

That must be Francis pulling agro. Okay. In the survival kit, is there like a fishing pole or something? Yeah, there's a fishing pole. There's a got to be ropes there. They had sea anchors. So there would be like maybe an anchor with a decent amount of rope on it, we'll say. I'm going to try to cast my fishing line at the sperm.

Awesome. Can Kelsey join you in fishing? Yes. Can we just be two gals fishing? and talking about our feelings for a second. I think we can, yes. Once his astral projection went away, did the sperm just go back into...

Okay, here's what we'll say. When Francis flies back into his body, he disappears and reappears and wakes up. And yes, he's able to relay all of this to you. And then you see this thing, which was following Francis, now notices the boat. And it doesn't, like, attack outright,

but it starts circling around. Like, it's making a wide arc around the boat. He's tagging us. Now he's the Assassin's Creed Crow. Oh, no. And it's possessing whether you are a threat that needs to be dealt with. Freddie, when Francis describes everything to you, he also describes this light that's underwater.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yes. Yes, Blake, you're raising your hand. Francis, you may have spent some time in the astral realm. I, you're not the only one. I visited my good butler, Ambrister. And he told me. Isn't he dead?

Ah, you would think so, Francis, but apparently there are planes upon planes and realms beyond this one. I think he went to a different one than I did, then. I didn't see any dead people. Well, whatever. Now that rules. Francis, you said you saw a light I did. In the water?

Yes. And it was maybe like sinking. Yes. Ah. Ambrister told me seek the sinking light. And at first I thought he misspoke and he said maybe meant the light above the sink in bathroom somewhere. But now this makes more sense. The light is sinking and my old good ghost butler friend told me we should go that way.

As opposed to lassoing up some cum demons. I mean, it's up to you guys. I did my part. Well, what if we lacered this cum demon to get speedily to the moth man? If I squint, I think I can see. What if we did both? What if we did both ideas? I just, I'm squinting and I can see the light from here.

Oh. You can't. It's pretty far away. To Trudy's point, what I will say is that if you are only under Trudy's power, it will take you the afternoon and night to get there. Whereas if you are somehow able to go faster, you will be able to get there faster. We got this. Show me the direction of the sinking light.

So we turn the legs towards the sinking light. So we are heading towards the sinking light. Okay. Truddy, let's go fishing. Yes. They can make us a threat. I take the spear from my back and I hook it at the... No, no, no.

So just like Jaylor's trying to Pete. Yes. You're going to go back to Astro Projection. You're going to taunt one of them. There's already the one that's followed. Yeah, yeah. Well, you'll do it. You'll fly it towards us.

And then as it gets close, we will fish it out of the sky. Yes. And then Blake, you need something to do. so you'll help tie it. I'm good with us. Find some like rubber gloves or something because if I remember correctly like they're acidic or whatever.

We'll learn very quickly if the fishing line works against these and whatnot. The thing you said. Wait a second. Teach you on to something. Maybe I don't know, you could like tie a rope

to the spear that he's got and then fucking throw it. It'd be like a harpoon just like in Moby Dick. Yeah. Like when you taught us Moby Dick. Yeah. I always third graders

after we read James of Giant Beach. We go straight to Herman Melville's right into the deep end. But I was going to ask to me what your favorite book is. Is that your favorite book? I mean, this is pretty cool. It's no, you know, like Jack Kerouac and like, you know, Alginzburg.

Jesus. Camu, you know, but Bobbi Dix pretty good. Your son should try harder. Wow. Those aren't real books I've ever heard. So, I mean, yeah, figures. Figures. I mean, you know, you wouldn't be up to date on this stuff.

Lefty. Is any of us? San Francisco? Because I can throw a spear to, like, get their attention. I don't know if I can, like, accurately hit it. No, you're going to be a little rabbit in the dog race. You're going to make them come towards the boat. Okay.

So somebody else is taking Brayilda from me. Trudy. Oh, that's going to be interesting. Why? Because we're women? No, because... Because Brunehild has a psychic connection with me. I don't know how she react to somebody else grabbing her. What the fuck you're talking about?

I bet you there's got to be like a harpoon gun or something in this raft. A harpoon gun? If it's a fucking military safety raft. A harpoon gun? This is like if your fucking submarine got blown up and you fucking sit in this Yon eat by sharks back? Military emergency raft. There's got to have shit.

They got flares and shit. They definitely have flares. There's a flare gun. I will say there's a flare gun. You just say, no, I was just asking. I don't think it was a crazy thing to suggest. It's just like, okay, so there's not a harpoon gun. They did not expect you to do whaling while you were.

There's no, like, knife or anything either. Is there a knife? Is there like a pick, a pocket knife? Yes, there's a butt. And I did look this up. Another piece, fun of piece. It's a boat knife, which means that it's not sharp. Oh.

So they don't, because you can't. It only cuts boats. Well, Timmy, another question for you. Do you play any sports? do I what do you not know if I play sports well yes of course I know that you play the you know I thought we were making progress mom but I guess not dang I know that you throw a mean baseball I was like little league says like fourth grade okay I slap Timmy yeah slap Timmy I bet treat your mother speak to your mother with respect

oh Trudy ow oh I'm trying to earn his respect respect must also be given from this party here? Well, no, he's going through a lot. That's just an excuse. I think it is. Blake, I don't know if right now it's the time you want to justify beating children.

How many fishing poles are there? You're just mouthing off? There are two fishing poles. I can't stand when a child mouths off. You know what I'll mouth off to you, mister. Give me a break, pal. My hand went one way. It can come back the same way.

You go ahead and do it. I will back hand this child. Okay, everybody, we can do this part later. Blake? Trudy Yes Fishing pools

Yes You two Nothing's going on Between you two More or less I know you're mad About slapping But you do it

Timmy You don't care about me I don't care about you I don't care about You I like you I like on this boat

You gotta learn to act like it Mr. I'm talking about You taught me Moby Dick This is like my favorite book Look kid

None of us like you Just get used to that now Fine Whatever I don't like any of you Me and you are going To support them This argument

Is fine It's good We can have it But not right now Let's focus on These humans from the sky. You taught my son Moby Dick when you knew I was homeschooled?

I don't know what he is saying. We promised to never talk. She'd been whispering it to him. She's just, you know, when I was a kid. If I happened to be reading Moby Dick out loud near your home, loud enough that people happen to overhear it, and people accidentally eat. Kelsey needs to go to jail and accidentally learn something. Kelsey Mollast in prison.

Well, I just want to be the first person to say thank you. Oh. Thank you for, for broadening the horizons of my son. You're welcome. Now, let's go fishing. All right. You and Milton have a lot more coming than I thought. What are we doing?

I just met. There's a giant question mark, question mark between I have a fishing bowl and I'm going to catch this thing. You're zooming. You're zooming. Just over the boat. So it's not going to crash into it when it follows my astral projection, but it's close enough that then Kelsey and Trudy can try to cast their lines out, or I guess one of you can throw the spear

with a rope around it, one of you can cast a line out. We got two fishing pools. Those fishing poles have fish hooks on them. Yes. Okay? We got one spear with a rope around it. And then Kelsey, that can give that to Blake.

He seems the most like... Can I jump in? Is it Will or Timmy? Well, it's Brunhilder. Oh, okay. When you secure the rope, Francis, to Brunhilda, Brunhilda's like,

Francis, so you're not going to be able to throw the rope. Because you're going to be flying around. So this is going to be. going to be a problem. But if you give me to someone else, you know this isn't really working out between us, but maybe it's a curse we give

to someone else. Does anybody want to Brunehilda curse? I can't say that I do. You know what? Never forget the spear. We don't need the spear. We don't need the spear. We don't need the spear. We get spurs can say how. Look, look, we got two fishing poles. I feel like maybe they'll get like in advantage when we roll. And then I'll just use,

we can just use fishing lines and I'll just tie, well, can still put a fish hook on a fishing line without fishing pole, right? Right? Right? I'm looking at you. Okay, we still got fish hooks. There's fish hooks here. And the anchor.

And we got rope. Yeah. So we're just going to then... Everyone's going to try... I'm just going to lasso it. I'm just going to make little nooses and I'm going to try to catch them as they fly by. So the idea is that Francis flies one down, just like the earthworm and James the giant peach that attracted the fucking crows. And then right before it grabs the earthworm, James, the titular James would jump out with...

The little noose. The titular James. Shut out with the noose. Grab one of the first. James would jump out of the titular peach. So we got four chances. Each of us are going to try to capture one of these spurs as they fly back and then we will tie it to the ship. And James, who played the giant peach, they gave everything.

All right. We'll say that this is your afternoon action is doing sky fishing to catch a sperm to make your boat faster. Yes. Sky fishing. Wow, well, well. Give me another constitution role, Francis, to see if you're able to fall asleep. I am. Francis does, it's incredible.

He can just use, like, a survival mechanism. 19 out of 25. Oh, nice. So Francis falls back asleep once more. This thing is circling you. So you're going to go... I'm going to get up as close to as I can. I'm going to smack my spectral ass and go get some of this.

And then fly back towards the ship. All right. Sufficiently provoked, the sky sperm gives chase to Francis. And you see it's starting to plunge down and follow an arc in the pattern that you described as it now chases towards the boat. It's essentially making a maverick pass and top gun right past the tower. It's making a maverick flyby. of your boat. And so now everyone is throwing a line? Yeah. I have a

mug of coffee and it goes I'm like, ugh. I want some butts. Trudy, give me a dexterity roll. Oh my god, 14. Oh, frick yes. That's up my ass. No balance here. Your hook finds purchase in the fucking cummy hide of this

sky's sperm and it wriggles around as it snags onto it and your line starts reeling out with oh man, it's just like jaws. Yeah, but we're all throwing at the same time. Okay, so next, Blake, where are you chucking? I'm chucking a... You're throwing another line?

Okay. Give me a... We're out here throwing rope. Right here throwing ropes. Is that what the kids are saying now? Everybody, get ready. Grip hard and throw rope. How you, Francis?

You've done enough of that. That's why we're in this situation. Oh, bro. Super duper success. Six out of 75. Oh, my God. If we had a dad, RPG system, straight up.

Recreational activity. It would just be any recreational activity. We'll be done a season of nothing, but dad's doing things. Yeah. So this thing has a fish hook in one side of its pus-filled maw and then your fish hook sinks into the other side. And your line is also going and it's going like,

and it's just spraying his mouth open? Grotesque. Grotazze, dude, does it have human teeth? That'd be crazy. Dude, it has so many teeth in there. All sorts of crazy stuff. It looks like Pac-Man. All right, big shooter.

Oh, did we give. Big shooter? I love that, Dave. I love that. Did you guys give a line to fucking Timmy? Yeah. Timmy's going to use Will's time stop dice. Yeah, we all got four shots at this.

Esther, make sure to edit out all of this gasping in absolute awe the moment that Will took out his time stop dice. Here we go. So much faster. It's a 7 and a 10. That's a 70. So he misses. Okay.

And he was, wait, what was he throwing? Without a fishing pole, throwing just like lasso. Oh, yeah. So he goes, yeah. And it whiffs. Yeah. And he just is going to floss. And we use something in the boat for a wait, whatever options are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah and then me okay yes it's kelsey's turn i want to use decks i got 60 decks 20 oh whoa we've been rolling hot that's a super grelsy grammar uh lasso is like a fucking cowboy fucking lobs this line over this flying crazy it's great because the news would like slide off because it's you know like tadpole shape but because it's got the two strings and like lassoes the two strings together so it's like literally made like a harness around this thing like all three strings. Yes, it all finds purchase on this thing.

Yeah! Yeah! The fucking sky spike, we really should, I should come up with a spooky name. No, sky sperm's great. The first thing is pretty fucking good. So the sky sperm wriggles and rives.

It's freaking out. So it just guns it straight back towards the fucking skydick. It's blasting back through the air, taking you straight back towards the big phallus in the water. Okay, Francis, you gotta make it chase you. I'm just going to slap my ass some more

and be like, hey, big boy. Hey, big boy. Why'd you get a piece of this action? Give me a deal. disadvantaged persuaderol. Or astral projection with two S's. Because this thing is terrified now. It's going back for assistance from its cohort.

No. Okay. Okay. We're going fast. Not the right way faster than we're moving forward. That's one half of the problem. Actually, wait, right now, did you rig the thing up to the boat? Yes.

We're all on that. They're tied down. You're not just holding on to the things. But they got quick release knots because Blake would know knots. Yeah. So they're sailing knots. They can pull tight. Blake would know.

Yeah. Is this a military? He's funny even Matt saying Blake would do not to strike going, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally, dude. The military. They teach you knots in the military, dude. You know what they had before glue?

Knots. Nots. Timmy rushes up to one of the lines, one of the two hooks, and pulls one of them hard. And the thing winses in pain and banks away the other way. What? Oh, it's like a rain on a horsey. Oh, a really violent rain on a horsey, but it's a cum flying demon. Oh my God, Timmy, great idea.

You can control it, like a hang glider. Yeah, no, I mean, it's still, it's fighting me pretty hard. It's trying to turn back around. We got to figure out some way to get it to run that way. We got to run it like a fucking, like a horse, like that other book you read out loud with the horses. I'm about to grab, yeah, the horse book. That classic horse book. The book is in it.

Johnny Tremaine, does that have a horse in it? All the pretty horses. Yeah, I don't think that book is right. That was after, that was after. Corny McCartney. We went from World Thal to Hermelville straight to Corbeck McCartney. That's what I do. Third grade.

That's why those kids are chain smoking. Like in Black Beauty. I'm about to reach to grab the other side, but then I look at Trudy, like, oh, this could be a good. So I'm like, what do you want me to do? Oh, okay. Yes, I'm going to grab the other side. Yes.

Yes, it's just like Black Beauty. And what happens to Black Beauty? Well, you know, when they kind of ride the horse. Yeah. Why do all my kid characters wind up sounding this exact way? It's just normal. Just show up on this boat. Yeah, Mom, like, when he rides the horse, when the character,

that is the protagonist of Black Beauty rides the horse. I thought Black Beauty was the protagonist of Black Beauty. I don't think so. It's an autobiography written from the horse as a big character's perspective. Yeah, it's a long... This is what she's talking about. Wait, shut up, because I... When I was watching the movie as a kid, it's from the horse's perspective, I swear to God.

No, I'm agreeing with you. It's an autobiography written by the horse. Your son's wrong. Look, Mom, I didn't read the book. Oh, my goodness. You didn't read the book. I was dropping books into the mail a slot. All these years

He never even read them? Well, that's okay. We can read it when we get back. I don't really want to read it. I'm not into horses. But this is from the perspective. Well, if you read it, you might have a little more empathy. Why do you make me want to read it more?

I don't even care what a horse looks like, much less what it thinks. I guess it's okay. You just lost the one person on this boat who cared about you. We've never been a horse before. Isn't that interesting? Oh my God, Mom, you're right. You're right. We've never been a horse before.

Great. Yes. We have to imagine we are the sky sperm. We have to put ourselves in the horse autobiography of the sky sperm and know what direction to choose. Give me an intelligence role with advantage for this epiphany. I got a 76, which is normally bad, but I have an intelligence of 80. Wow. Okay.

So then as you are saying this, you go into your mind palace and visualize the life of a sky sperm. You write in your head the autobiography. of this fucking thing. Yes. And you realize that it has a rudimentary intelligence. Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, gotta get that egg.

Oh, yeah. So yes, you realize it must have three things that it is motivated by. One is egg. Two is return home and if danger. And three is...

Thank God sperm doesn't work that way. Ha ha ha ha. It's like it follows about all the sperm you've ever mastered. Holy shit. I just get on a plane. I get on a plane and go across the Pacific.

It's a shot from the shining with the elevator doors open. Oh, no. You realize you're... Wait, what's the third? So the third thing is that, yes, you realize that it also, like, if you are able to cause it enough distress,

that will override its other priorities. Like, if you're able to scare it... Or pull it really hard with hooks. So you're telling me that these skies firms like eggs, want to be home and are sensitive? Yeah. I've already written that autobiography. I'm living that life every day.

It's just like a horse. Like Wells Fargo when they crack the whip on the horse. Now we have to break this. Now we're going to be moralizing about we're being cruel to the sky sperm as we pull its hooks left and right. Oh, what terrible things these humans are. Oh, first they drug bowlers and now they're pulling the sky sperm's hook. Yeah, we fucking pull its hooks. We fucking give it physical distress so we can fly to make our lives more convenient.

We have to break the spirit of the sky spurt. Skiescern. Fuck it. All right. So, yes, you are now dealing with a sky sperm that is desperately trying to turn back around to go to where it's trying to go as you're holding it steady, but it's stalling your forward progress. When Timmy pulled it, it's like them pulling left and right on the strings, is that causing us to control it? Yes, but it's like, I'm trying to. I understand it's like hard.

It's like a stunt kite. Yeah, sure. It's like difficult. It's still trying to go the way you don't want to go. But yes, you are able to a certain degree. It's fighting your control. And then can I roll natural world to get a sense of how fast we are going now? Like how much faster does this thing make us go?

It probably doubled your speed, probably more than doubled your speed. More than doubled. I need precision here. I don't know. I don't know if we can get to America in less than a day or not. That's all I'm asking. Okay. You were at 80 hours.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And again, you don't know the endurance of this thing or how far it even survive away from its thing. Fair enough. You were going 20 miles an hour before you're going 40 miles. an hour now. Okay, that's fine. So we're going towards the light. You're not going towards the light. I know what we're

going to fight. Yes, you're going to roll you're going to circles basically. We're going to roll dice to see if it gets the source of light now. What do you guys want to do? I'm going to break the spirit of the sky sperm. So I'm going to pull hard on the lines, bringing it closer to me. And with my robot hands, I touch it. And I'm like, whoa, whoa.

You put your head up next to the spur? Yeah, yeah. It comes away sticky. I'm like, steady. Steady, girl. Oh, whoa. It feels like something you can whispered to, like, by like an angel at night. It's like, break the spear, this guy's sperm. And you wake up and you're like, what was that?

What's that mean? She just never had anybody that respected you before. Talk to her on her same level. She ain't dangerous. She's just spirited. My sperm doesn't need to be on a leash. Beth, I honestly believe that if you had a glass of water and two hours, you could do an entire one of those movies.

Just start to finish. Absolutely good. Yeah, the amount of times I've seen the horse whisper. Dude, an embik, this is just a freestyle Beth horse movie? Freestyle Beth horse movie. Only real is you can't stop talking. Yep. She ain't been the same since the accident, but you give her time.

She don't need to be the same. Is Trudy talking about the horse? Or is she talking about her son? We have all four of you are pulling in unison. You don't need a strength role to bring this thing in closer to you. No, no, do all four of us need to go, whoa, whoa, hey. I mean, that's up to you. What do you guys want to do?

I follow what Trudy's doing. Oh, hey, hey. You're cool. You're big sperm. Kelsey, you need to be confident with the, yes. You need to show the sky sperm that you're in control and that you know what's best. SkySperm? We're going to that light and you're going to take us there.

Perfect, Kelsey. All right, Francis, you talk to the sperm now. You want some of this, Matt's man. Ah, yes, good cop, bad cop. Listen here, you little shit Who is trying to sue the savage Art of the Beast right now? All of us, if it helps the role.

All this is going to make us get to the light one turn faster, right? Psychology, yeah. We look at six turns. Psychology, I'm great at. I can realize a bad. Hey, turn economy is very important in a board game where you only got a few turns.

We got six turn. And the world's about to end. Yeah. Econ, dude, huge. There's a whole turn. This feels like... You say psychology? We're going to say this is disadvantaged psychology,

because it is 59 out of 80. Yeah, dog. What about you, Trudy? All right. Oh, we're doing psychology? My psychology is 42. Let's see, the first roll is a two, so we're doing really, really, really well. Okay.

And then the second roll is a 43. Shut the fuck up. It's one more. Okay, I'm going to spend a luck. Am I rolling psychology disadvantage? Yes, anyone that wants to be part of the... I have 40 psychology. 37 is my first one.

A one! That's 17. Blake's seeing the success of everyone else. Super success. Oh, no, no, no, no. Sorry, it's still 37 is a disadvantage. So, 37, normal success. Blake abstains from rolling. So, what were each of you doing?

I look at in its big white eye, and I send my humanity chakra to its main of sperm. This is how the horse whispers do it. Yes. I have a steady but kind hand on the sperm's back. And I begin to gently stroke. We did say that it does do acid damage, so give me 1D4 acid damage. while you do this. But I have a robot hand. I was able to get Mothman out of that big thing and I barely was fine. I mean, you did almost die doing that. So, Trudy, Trudy, don't touch the thing. Here are some gloves.

Well, I won't touch it then. I will use simply my strong gaze. Yeah, do the Chris Bratton dress world thing. Yes. So you gaze deeply into its soul. Yes. Okay. And I know that it's been hurt in the past. and I can't promise it won't be hurt in the future but right now it's the present and that's a gift that you give to yourself Give me a sanity role

for gazing deep into the eye of this non-Euclidean Eldridge monster Okay I rolled a nine You rolled a nine? Yes So yes as you stare into this thing You are able to see

horrors and wonders beyond your imagination Yet you're able to establish a Can you do kind of understand this weird thing And it seems to understand you And so it does trust you. It starts to trust you.

And if you look around, you notice that your son's pretty impressed too. He seems like, wow, this is kind of cool. I feel good with semen. Kelsey, knowing actually the psychology

of children and simple creatures. Okay. Yeah, confidently just pretends it's not even talking to it and just going, yeah-ha, I love eggs and I know there's eggs down in that light.

Can't wait to get me some eggs. Can't wait to find eggs. Okay. I want to get to that line and find eggs. And I already rolled good, so I know it worked, so I don't know why we're doing this. I would just fucking paint up

for me. That's what I say. And then, Francis, what are you doing? I know the sperm wants to go for something appetizing, so I fucking smack my cake ass a couple times. I go, come here, get it, big boy. Okay. You've made a temporary ally out of the flying sky sperm.

It will now follow you, Francis, where you lead. Especially once it realizes that you are leading it towards this thing that it thinks eggs are inside of. Yes, you take off like a shot towards Mothman's sinking ship. In blazing record speed, you're able to approach Mothman's ship. is it slowly sinks into the water. It's like a good two, three feet under the surface right now. Oh.

But like you see bubbles kind of emerging the, the goo that's sort of floating it under the water seems to be slowly dissolving. Well, we're here, team. Sounds like Blake's first job is to go in. And then when you turn around, Blake has already stripped off and he's like shirtless and fucking buff and his rippling. There's a diving suit right there. And I'm wearing a diving suit. There's no diving suit. There's no ducking side to like.

Oh, and I go, hoop. Wait, tie rope to your leg. Yes, I just said, Hup, Kelsey. He didn't jump. I didn't jump. I was just, that's me prepping my lungs for holding breath. Yeah,

so that if you're drowning or you need, you get lost in the ship, like we should be able to pull you back. And I tie the right knot around my waist, and I go, hop.

And you dive in? No, then I dive in. Got him. Hate you so much. What is your swim skill? 20, dude, fucking terrible. Well,

say it's a regular roll. Oh, you know, before I even go in, I put on my fucking life vest and shit. There's definitely life vests in the fucking, That means you can't submerge. It's underwater, right?

Yeah, but I'm, okay, I'm going to get in the water and I'm not going to bring a flotation device. I'm a fucking idiot. Well, yeah. How would you submerge if you're holding the flotation? I will. Once I get over, I can put my head underwater, can I? So you want your flotation device sort of float

aimlessly. That's why I love what he's doing. Just watch Blake float out with his life fast. All right. You're now of directly above. Yeah, there's like, you see the big hole that got torn through the ship is right beneath you. Ah, the brine deep.

I look down. It is here. Mothman's ship is here. I don't know... Yeah, we know... If you can't swim, that's okay. You can tell us. I don't...

I don't know what the... What, the looking... What... You know what, just pull him in. Just pull him in. What I'm looking for. I mean, pull it. You have pulled it.

You have to... I'm pulling it. I pull it. I pull it hard. Blake! Blake! I jump in like fucking Samwise. What is your swim skill, Matt? 20.

I didn't put out a life mask. Like drowning with a life vest. How great would it be if we spent a whole episode trying to stop you from dying from falling from playing from play and we all drown this episode. Everybody, everybody? All right, hold on, I roll it in 83.

The way. Okay. I want to reach out to try and grab your life vest. Okay, okay. We're going to, I'm just going to pat. Just grab the boat Don't grab me, grab the boat. Okay, okay, grab the boat.

Okay, grab the boat. We're telling, grab the boat. I'm holding on a paddle, grab the paddle. Kelsey, let go to me. Just grab the fucking path. Kelsey, let go with me, Kelsey. You know they called drowning the silent killer. All right, we grab the boat.

All right, you cut to an hour later the two of you are soaking wet and exhausted on the fucking deck of the boat. Like, don't ever do that for it to me again. I thought we had lost you. I thought I lost myself again. It was awful. Team, on my important fact-finding mission, I have confirmed we are exactly over Monkman's ship.

Who wants to dive? How are you at swimming? I mean, you know, I was captain of the swim team. Great. You were? I mean, you were. Yes. Yeah.

Get your ass in their child. I know they didn't jump in a dresser. Hey, the first thing they teach you is you got to be careful in those kind of situations. Don't go in unless you have an exit plan and I didn't have an exit plan. There's a boat right here. You're riding in there. You insolent child. I assume none of you, all of you have a 20 for a

That's the default Swimming skill. No one thought to put anything in swimming. It's 1950s. I've played Deu Sex. I know that's a fucking bullshit stat. Okay. Let's wrap a little rope around you that you tell us what's down there.

Tell us if you don't fly that ship. To me, what's your favorite stroke? Timmy, having been on the swims team and master of the backstroke, his favorite. Backstroke. Yeah, I don't think backstroke's going to do me much good here. It's more like when you. it would keep your head above water. I wasn't on the synchronized swimming team.

Those guys go underwater. My kind of swimming, you know, we're going across the water real fast. Well, today's a learning experience. Fucking go down. All right. Okay. And Timmy dives into the water.

When he's out of your time, like, your son fucking sucks. I think of Trudy Slavs Francis again. So he rolled very well. Also did very well on his Constitution roll. After a couple of minutes, though you see, I guess, just the rope moving around. The sky sperm is like just kind of...

A couple of minutes. That's really... Intense. Lasily... Lus on his boy. They're lazily circling above you. He emerges from the water. Oh,

come on up. Okay. There's a lot of wrecked junk down there. I don't think that thing's flying anytime soon. But I did find this. It seemed to be what the light was coming from. And he slams this book down on the deck. And it is...

A book. It sort of has a mysterious ethereal glow on it. And always a good sign when it comes to tomes. Oh, my clothes with heroes. Try not to plagiarize this one. Oh, I feel like grabbing today. Yeah, wow.

It's called the book of I-B-B-B-B-N. And it's like this old, how's that spelled? E-I-B-O-N. No-B. Anthony, can I tell you that literally in my head, like, I-Bond backwards is no-B. I'm going to say that as I typed I-Bond,

the Google Auto-Fill instantly went to Soul Eater. Ah! You find a book called The Book of Ibon, and despite the fact that this thing has been submerged under water for a very long time, or at least for a good chunk of time now. It seems to be dry, this energy emanating off of it seems to be preserved it. It's like roses drawing in Titanic. Kelsey, you can read on a beach and never worry about your books if we can figure out how this technology works. How are you reading books on the beach? I mean, it's never getting wet all the time.

What happens? There's water. Tides go, you get lost in a book. You get lost in a book. You're getting that fucking close to the books. You get lost in a book and you can lose track of the tides, okay? I think it's right up there. The problem mostly is that Kelsey seems to set up underneath the high tide line.

Apparently. Timmy puts the book down and he says, yeah, I just be careful with it. Like the second I touched it, I got like this weird headache and I just felt like I heard voices. It's just, I don't know. Something wrong with that thing. I mean, it's glowing. So, yeah. Francis is going to grab the paddle and use that to like flip open the fucking cover.

Okay. Okay. I think it's less the touching than opening is usually the problem in those different. Well, don't look. Trudy helps Timmy back on. on board. Thanks, Mom. Do we got any of those rations left?

No. Kelsey. We thought they were too. We too. You were keeping you strong. I bet for now. I mean, like, my definition, the rations, we don't just have them willing to I'm saying for this moment.

Timmy's rolling in psychology to see him fucking Kelsey lied and is eating all the ratchons. It was Gullab. It was me. I didn't take rations. I was just. be a dick. You can have a ration. You did a good job for us. Thank you. Thanks. And he drugs a little fucking bottle of

fresh water and he has a little snack. Nutrition wafer. A little one of those. No, there were these little hard candies. It was cool. It was like little charms candies. Francis flipped the first page open. It's written in English. It seems to be from like the 15th century and is this strange ramblings of

an ancient sorcerer. It's like his journal. An ancient sorcerer spoke English. They ancient. Like a 15th century like a court physician in the Renaissance who was obsessed with the occult. All you've opened is the first page. So you see the first page that says, It says, Dear Diary, I am a court physician in the 15th century,

and I sure do like obscure occult practices and rituals. I sure hope I learn some spells. If I learn any, I'll write them down in here. Oh, do you. An optimist at least. Yeah. Okay. Next page.

Should we, while we read the book, at least continue to head towards America? I see harm there. Yeah. rather than just sitting here. Do we think we're done with a ship? Is the ship? Yeah.

It's a ship grayed out on the map? Well, the light went off. You did find the source of the sinking light. Okay, yeah. Ambrister spoke of in prophecy. Does the ship maybe like, you know, continue to sink and be inaccessible. Purple up and then sink really far,

letting the player down. No. The environment is no longer. No, it's still there. In fact, if there were other cool mothman stuff you wanted to get, now would be the fucking time. Okay.

Maybe I should go down there and see if there's anything that that we could remember Mothman by. Well, actually, I also got this for you, Mom. And he pulls out a little teacup that was down there. Oh. And he's like, I don't know. I just thought you might want something to remember him by. I don't know what this was or what the deal was.

But, you know, it seemed like you drink tea and stuff like that. So here you go. Thank you. If I'm remembering this correctly, this is the teacup that he gave me water from when he Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll say it's when you first woke up in his, um, his layette.

His goon room. Yes. Don't call it that. And the handle is a little moth's wing. And the handle's a little moth wing. Yeah. Very good. He was like, he was when he was trying to understand humanity's like, why did they make a cup with

my wing on it? So yeah, Timmy gives that to you. Thank you, sweetie. This is, oh, this is more. Yeah, well, let's not make it weird, mom. It's not, you know, it's just, you know, I saw it. It seemed like it might be nice. It seemed like it might be something that you would go.

You know, I'm very, very proud of you. But who cares, right? Who cares about that. Gross. Yes, gross. Gross. And then he lights up a cigarette and, like, taps the ash into it. See, you can use it as, like, an ashtray or whatever you want.

Anyway, and he sort of scoots over to the other side of the boat. How old is he again? Old enough to smoke? He's Francis's age, maybe a little older, like 15, 16. Oh, I thought he was younger. Well, how old is he? I thought, canonically, he was like 10, but. I was going to say this 10-year-old is punching above his weight.

Oh. I was about, right? Shit. Let's just say 12. 12? Okay, he's 12. He's a holding Caulfield-esque kind of, he's a whole-cocious-year-old. Kelsey sits down and opens the book.

Like the way she sits down and opens the book, like instinctually without being able to control themselves, Francis and Timi already sit down for story time. Like it's just as a teacher sits down and holds that book a certain way. Chris Cross applesaws. Yeah, they just sit down. And I go, okay, everybody, let's just the story time. All right. And I want to read. You're going to read the book of Ibon to everyone in the ship.

Like showing us the pictures and shit. This is going to be yes, your evening action. We'll be reading the book of Ivon. And can I do something? Sure. Like a good parent reading a book, Kelsey can see the words before she says them out loud. And sometimes, well, you know this as we read some older kids books, sometimes you see a word that not used today anymore, for example. And then you shift it. You know, you're reading a world doll book or something. I don't know if there's going to be any sort of like, obviously if there's something that's something that clearly is going to cause like psychic damage or something or like something that I think I shouldn't read. Like I will take the hit first. Okay. So you're going to self-edit. I'm going to self-edit stuff that I think may hurt the team, though I'm reading it out loud. Okay. You know.

So you wind up reading. She's trying to tank the slurs, dude. You're going to be skipping most of this book if you do that, just so you know. Okay. What was this book? You're trying to shield them from having to take a sanity role is what you're trying to do. I mean, as best I can't. Since I'm seeing the words and then I'm saying them out loud, if seeing the words would cause me to go crazy.

It would happen before I say them out loud is my point. Reading the book itself, it's not like you read like one spooky. word and it's like you read the word non-Euclidean and you go ah like it's over the course of reading the book it has a deleterious effect on you know i read the word unalive and i go no that's good a note i mean yeah because like you know in warhammer sometimes a single word will just no it's not yes okay or spell like an army of darkness platuverazzo yeah so i read the book okay the first word is spoopy yeah everybody give me 2d4 sanity loss 2d4 not to sorry not to keep going but we also are flying we're heading towards

America. Yes, you are steering. At 40 balls per hour, because you said double speed. So at the end of that, it'll be eight hours and one third of the day. We'll say how much closer we are

to America. Klaus Bidel really gave us everything with the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack that you were humming there. I took five sanity damage. Do them down to 66. I lost seven sanity. I'm down to 50.

I lost four sanity. I'm at 42. This is bad. I don't know what to tell you. I lost five sanity. If an investigator loses five or more sanity points From a single source of sanity, the loss, sufficient emotional trauma has been suffered

that the keeper must test the investigator's sanity. Okay, so everybody other than Beth. Timmy also lost five. So everybody give me an intelligence role. I unfortunately super duper succeeded. Okay. I failed the intelligence role. I super duper succeeded also.

Okay. We're locked in. Timmy failed. So Trudy, Timmy, and Blake are all okay. What a delightful book. As you get to the end. James Francis, you always read over my shoulder. I'm just so invested in the story.

I want to get there before you do. Avon, is he going to get that soul? He wants to eat or not. He's a real unreliable narrator. The following things happen. First of all, Francis, as you have failed to fail your sanity role, you are going to gain a phobia. So can you roll a 1D00 for me? You know what?

Hell, yeah. I will take it as a compliment that Kelsey and one of the students that Kelsey taught with the two people to pass the intelligence test. We're so moved by her reading. 43. Do you want a phobia or a mania? Mania is funer It's gonna be stupid

It's gonna be stupid What the way I play it So it doesn't matter That's what they ask you When you go to this That's what they ask What they ask me That's what they ask you

That's what they ask Every time you check in You now have Hamartophobia Which is a fear of sinning Whoa Francis already had For how long or like permanently

I think we're saying Because I made Blake's permanent Okay So now yes When you do something That you feel is a sin You're gonna have to make Some sort of role

To deal with that Okay Francis is the back story Every day Yeah Every day, you're going to have to make a roll. That's what he called from that on. God, why did she have to bite that apple?

You're going to start voting Republican. Yeah. As Kelsey is reading through this grim work to you, it just feels wrong what's happening right now. And you feel that you're going to be punished for partaking once again in something that just goes against God and goes against creation and everything good and holy in the universe. And it creeps its way into your psyche where you feel like in order to atone for that,

you can never sin again. I fucked up. I really shouldn't have jerked off. really, really, really should do this is too much. Or shot that kid. I mean, I mean, we'll take it in order.

In reverse order. We're going to deal with what happens to Kelsey last. Oh, okay. But I've shot. Everyone else gains the following spells. Oh, nice. As Kelsey is describing

this strange book and it's strange ways to you. Spell. Each one of you, the words of a different part of it resonate with you and you sort of like understand a bit of arcane knowledge and power now. So you guys get the following spells. Francis, you gain the spell mind exchange. Okay.

So I'm going to write this. You use social media now. It's like your brain is on Twitter. Imagine now that your brain is hooked up to Instagram. Mind exchange allows the caster to trade minds with another individual. The target must know the spell caster and love or strongly favor him. If that affection is somehow lost, the exchange can no longer occur. Blake?

Yes. You gain the spell. Finger guns. You can't do you're scared of guns. I know what to curse. Finger swords. You gave the spell body warping of Gorogoth. Body warping of Gorogoth.

Kelsey, the part where you talked about bodies warping really spoke to me. Body warping of Gorogoth allows the castor to change his or her physical form. Oh my God. The sorcerer can change to any shape and appearance, though retaining personal abilities. The form is fleshy, but it can appear to be made of stone, wood, a rug, etc. So you got some body morphing powers. You're prop hunter? Trudy, you gain the spell, mental suggestion.

The caster can command any being with human blood in its veins. A single target who is visible to the unaided eyes of the sorcerer is affected. The victim carries out all that is commanded by the caster even to self-destruction. Nice. That one says really useful. She has yours, but she doesn't have to love the thing. Yeah, exactly. His is like you literally switch bodies.

Yeah. Because if you got to teleport somewhere. that somebody's there. Yeah, if we get Freaky Friday our way out of a situation, I guess I'm good. Timmy gets the spell gate creation. Gatekeeper. He's going to start spreading of submarines. You really like Star Wars.

You're going to fucking like this a lot more when I explain what it does. Gate spells allow the caster to create doorways between other lands or times, dimensions, or world, usually allowing us user to travel great distances with a simple step. Subredits, if you will. We got to make a second hole for that dick to go into. What's the second word gate? It was for us to teleport back to peach. It's just under good spells.

Oh, that makes more sense. I guess you could. In a perfect world, if we killed the dick, they wouldn't need to call Zuzel and we would save the world. That is the third option. The third way is to kill the dick. I mean, if it can go backward in time. Kelsey, we'll start with the good news.

Yay. You learn the spell. Rack plus. Rack plus. Double rack. Rack max. No, it's back to Rack now. You learn the spell words of power.

The caster creates an intense bond with a large group of listeners. Words of power. Just like a podcaster. Just like a DM. The caster creates an intense bond with a large group of listeners. Like a cult leader. Like a teacher. Like a teacher.

And seemingly from the heart, maintaining the audience's attention. So, yes, you can speak with power and convince a large group of people to do something with some extra. Oh, so I can convince them or they just are distracted listening to me. At the end of a successful speech, the audience thoroughly believes what has been said for one D3 days. Nice. You're officially a gaslight girl boss now. Yeah. Hell yeah.

But. But. But. As we've established. What manner of woman holds this power? How has she changed? As we've established, when Kelsey goes temporarily insane, she transports and body swaps with another Kelsey of the many infinite

er-kelsies that exist throughout space and times. I'm fucking riding a T-Rex with a laser sword? Nice. Not quite. So, Kelsey, as you get to the end of the book and, again, the staggering significance of these words you've just spoke, sort of shakes, you're already shaken fragile mind. And there's a question mark after the end. The end has a question mark.

Holy shit. It says the end, Kelsey. Kelsey. And then you drop the book. And when you look up, you are in. It's still dry. Huh? Sorry, the book's waterproof we said.

So I'm just saying it's still dry. You drop the book, it lands. But when you look up, you're in what seems like a stone cathedral, like vaulted ceilings. You hear like sort of ominous chanting and choral music. A lot of halo soundtrack kind of. this stuff going on, and you're in robes. You're in like a sort of ceremonial

vestments. And you're being led by two ceremonial guards. Okay. I'm going to slow down a little bit, just see how far they can move away from me. Always the first stuff. These fucking dudes go to

lecture share, they never realized the fucking hack. Just slowly move, just slow down a little bit. The two guards were this kind of like golden armor. kind of clang to a stop, and one of them, you know, turns back to you and says, Hi, Priestess. Yes. Which is time to speak the truth.

It is time to speak the prophecy. I know. Yeah, okay. Yeah, dude. I mean, yeah, leave me. All right. Yeah. Why are you asking?

Just keep going forward. I got a big speech ahead of me, so let me focus. Damn, dude. All right. So he turns sort of like. Counties looking around frantically. Shit. Oh, really quick.

Do not question the high priestess. The other guard says. Yeah. You, my favorite one. What do you think I'm going to say? I would never even dare to think such a thought is to speculate the words that the speaker of Zuzel would say. That was a test. You passed.

Thank you. Just go back to your room and sleep for 12 hours. Yeah. No what? You take the day off. You're a good one. Take the day off. Very well.

Thank you. Thank you. High Priestess. Okay. And the other one walks off. And the other guy's like, fucking, my job sucks. And she hates me just out. A question of the high priestess?

The other one marches up and opens this door. and on the other side you can kind of steps going down and then you see before you a massive throng of dirty, desperate people in a ruined Nebraska wasteland. How can you tell? That's right. If you're from Nebraska,

I don't know anything about your state so I just say shit like that. You see a cracked sky and blighted lands and you see what you would recognize as anywhere is that you're in some sort of strange cathedral that's built at the center of Peachyville, but it's not your Pitchieville.

It's some horrible other Pitchieville where something tremendously awful has happened. This looks like Apricot Town! And you... Forget it, Jake. It's Apricot Town. You hear screaming and cheering. It's half rage, half ecstasy

as these people below are being pushed back by this throng of guards at the bottom of these steps. You step out onto this... No, I'm not stepping out. I lean into the guy's like, all right, you know, you're the opener. Go hype them up.

Get them ready for me. Very well. Do your type five. You can type five. And the guard steps forward. Okay. I just close the door mostly and I just kind of peek to the crack to see what's going to happen when he says talking. Raises his hands and the crowd falls silent.

And he says, behold, she who speaks for our leader, our ruler, our God, mighty Zuzel. And the crowd goes. Hermit the frog-ass crowd. Yeah. He got like four more minutes. You got to keep your stretching motion. You're doing great. Kelsey's looking around.

Do I see anything around me? So you're just hiding in the doorway? Yeah, yeah. But first, a message from our sponsors. But first, the guy is now panicking. He says, but first, a reading from the book of events. In the beginning, there was Zuzel. This is useful.

Okay. Zuzel, the godslayer, who battled the gods to avenge his mother. Well, he's talking. I'm going to kind of look, I'm going to like, oh. Zuzel? I'm going to call out for Zuzel to see if he's here. Your voice echoes sort of cavernous in this room. And you realize that this is like you're at a very Zuzel-pilled cathedral right now. I know.

There's a whole thing that's giving Zuzel. It's serving Zuzzo. You hear a voice emanating from this painting on the wall, like very Ghostbusters too. Nice. Love it. And you hear the voice says, come closer, my love. Oh, hi. Hi, Zuzel.

Come closer. Okay. As you start walking across the. room, you see that guard you dismissed in the corner. He's hiding behind a pillar and he looks at you. He shakes his head in motions for you to come towards him. Oh. One minute, my love.

And I'm going to walk over to the guard. I hate seeing you go, Kelsey. What I love watching you leave. I give him a little show as I walk to the guard. You step up to this other guard? Yeah. So he takes off his own. I say out of knife range, though. You stay at a knife range. You stay at a knife range. Stay at it. I got a break

If you want to hide behind this pillar and talk to this guy You're gonna have to get in within knife range Let people in man Okay I walk within knife range of them He stabs you know Do you imagine though

It'd be great I'd fucking applaud you Fuck my fault for being a cuck Just doing what you told me He discreetly Pulls back the latch on his helmet And you see the face of your brother John And he says

About time you showed up sis It's gonna be All right, it's going to be all right, because that's just a minute it'll be an empty. the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary in a world that

lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star Oh swallowing my dreams Is it making them scars too far, too far away that I stay today?

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as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Birch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM. Bethne is Truddy Trout and myself Freddie Wong is Blake Lively. Our theme song is a whole in the stars by Maxen Waller. Anisa Omeran is our content producer. Ashley Nicola is our community manager. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther else is our lead editor. Travis Reeves Omar Romolino and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing. Our show is supported by Patreon people like Stalis Stale Holtin. Andrew Cardona twice once 2005. Dark Wind. We Wild. Fredifur. Emily Rogoff, Blake Daniel, Stop It's Not Me, Zachary Glenn, Balder, Naomi Leopardfang, Paisley, Cuddle Squad, Hunter Harness, Mickey S, Alonzo Gomez, Jaron Salter, Andrew AltaVote, Chelsea Freight, and Nebula La Lala. Support us directly on Patreon and get a bunch of content and ad-free episodes at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

Merch and more at our website, Dungeons and Dads.com. Our next episode, September 9th. We'll see you then. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I stay today All that I can see is All that I can see is a hole in the star I'm swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away That I stay today Black Beauty is considered one of the first. Sorry, I just say On the Wikipedia, Black Beauty is considered one of the first fictional animal autobiography one of the first

they just considered one of the first they just considered one of the first is going to be the biggest hedge I've ever seen