Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 33 - Double In Them Kelsey

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

The Screams return to Peachyville.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Drug/Alcohol Use.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold Francis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth May Blake Lively is Freddie Wong Theme song is “A Hole in the Stars” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandes provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Enjoy your data, Canada. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Good evening. We start our program, as always, with a cheeky recounting of our previous episodes' entertainment. That adventure brought to mind a certain motion picture set entirely in a lifeboat, directed by a legendary master of cinematic suspense. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I can assure you that director,

was deeply flattered both by the harrowing tale of doomed souls surviving at sea and by the gargantuan penis looming over the scene, second only in girth and clearly inspired by a certain member to which I, or should I say, the director, is personally quite attached. I was also fond of the bit with the horse girls. Tonight we present a story no less strange, though regrettably lacking in giant penises. Instead, you will encounter a bloody hand,

a burning car, a booming gun. And let's see, oh yes, and by the end of this episode, one member of the Gatoros screams will die. Don't worry, though, it's just Scrippy. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's not a BDSM podcast this season, the Pitchieville horror. Hey, what? Hey, don't call me that.

Hey, hey. A Calla Cthoo, actual play, horror comedy podcast, about four everyday schmose fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. And for a few episodes, the middle of the ocean. Yep, yep, yep, that's us. Well, that happened. Well, that happened. My name is Freddie Wong. I play fast-thinking, slow-talking, plumber, Blake lightly.

Horse women? Horse women? Yeah, you're bad at swimming. Oh, I heard horsewomen. Yes. I heard her horse women, too. Yeah. Well, I have an idea for season four.

Horse women, you say. There's like three ways you can hear that, by the way. We didn't talk about Black Beauty in the last episode, too. Oh, yeah. This week's Blake fact, you may be wondering why Blake didn't dive out. I was. the airplane in haste after his friends. This harkens back to when the very beginning of the war,

Blake was in basic training, thinking about specializations. And he heard someone say, oh, you know, you could be a paratrooper. And Blake went, pair of troopers, but I am only one. That's pretty good. The end.

All right. Nothing but respect for that fact. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer. Hi, Matthew. Hi. Peachyville's happiest and snappiest schoolworm.

I know what she always says. What does show. I say, dude, I have to know. An open mind is like an open door. It's necessary to let the best people in. Oh, my God. Yeah, but you do have to lock that door sometimes. You just let everybody in.

I don't know. Quick fact about Kelsey kind of also just clarifying the timeline. John was an eighth grade teacher and right before World War I. He was a teacher and he was only in eighth grade. No, that's the fact now. John was such a genius. He was the first eighth grader that became a student. He's not getting shot in the face of World War I.

Dang. Dude, that's a good hook for like a fucking... The eighth grade teacher. The kid teacher. And it's like, yeah, it's like, meet your new teacher. Your best friend. Oh, man. He's got to teach all the other eighth graders.

Like, he's such a fucking... Oh my God. That's a good hook. That's a good hook. You better write that script now while there are still schools. Yeah, good point. Anyways, it was just going to be that Kelsey was in fifth grade when he went off to war and she was very excited.

The idea that at some point she was going to be taught by her brother in class. She's going to be taught by an honorable veteran of the Great War. She looked forward to the day that he'd come home decorated, an honored veteran. Yeah, she was actually purposely, like, failing class so that she could keep getting held back to grade, so she wouldn't miss her brother who came back. Yeah, but then he died. And she's way too smart for her. Sounds like the best thing he ever did for your career. I'm Anthony Burchardt.

I play for Hanses-Farnsworth. Boo! Amateur skydiver. What do you mean, boo? I saved your life! Slayer of boss, man. Just wanted to do it for once. Matt, I just wanted to express myself honestly one time on this podcast.

I boo all the time. It's very freeing. That is very upfront about her hatred of me. The fact for Francis today is that he has a list that he updates regularly of the women that he wants to marry one day. How I just, how big can that list be? Not big. No, I just, because- Like, MASH as a kid?

Is it an order? Sorry, MASH. Yeah, because I'm like, I feel like, you know. He's never played MASH. You've never played MASH? Will you pretend to be in the Korean War and like... No, no, no, no, it's a little game with the foldy thing. And then you're like...

Yeah, you fold up, you put out... It stands for Mansion apartment Shack House, right? Yes, it's called MASH. You basically write down, like, who would you ideally like to marry? What job would you ideally like to have? That's a good comment. Yeah, let's you do that for an MEP or something. I don't understand.

But you basically write out your ideal life, but like in descending order of, like, preference. And then you basically do it's either a folding thing or a draw a spiral thing to basically by chance pick something from each of those categories. In the future, you're going to be married to Ryan Gosling in a shack. Aw, but you're a digital for a job. Hey, like, it's, God damn that rules, dude. Dude, Ninja, Charles, Shacking with Ryan in the Gosling. Ash predicted my entire future.

Really? I didn't even know what a podcast was when I first, like, wrote it down, but then here I am. Podcasting in a shack. Yep. Shack casting. Anyway, it doesn't matter. His top one is Betty Crocker, but she's not a real person. So he's living for disappointment.

I actually didn't know that Betty Crocker wasn't a real person at all. I have a fun, Biddy Crocker. You know what? I'll get to it with my pack. I'll save it. Save it. Actually, it is a genuinely creepy bitty crocker fact. Oh, great. Oh, wow. This is so exciting. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Trudey Trout, a homemaker, mother, and a robot. Mother.

Well, we're really reaching towards the bottom of the barrel here. And it's just getting harder and harder to find roboty facts that I can spring forth. But, you know, that's all to poison the well. I apologize. I should have a better. attitude about this. So fact about Trudy, and tell me if I've done this. You have to stop saying that, Beth. So a lot of people have asked Trudy if she's had some work done on her face, some plastic surgery, et cetera. And she technically has not, but she has gotten, well, not Botox, but

Cubotics. What's that? It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a startup that that was specializing in solar panels that went bankrupt and, um... Wait, is it a... What? What? Um... This is a bud?

No. I know. You just make that up? No. No. It's real. She wrote on a computer term to now. Chewbotic is a real thing.

Yes. Okay. No, that's great. If somebody didn't like it and now come all the way back around. I was like Googling, robot company. Robo! Help.

Help. Help. Help. You know what? If somebody worked at Cubotics, is that their name? Yes. And they heard this fact that they got a kick out of it. Well, yeah.

You should message us if you used to work. I don't like cubotics because they've, they've wiped their Wikipedia. And they've, I can also tell that they're wiping, like, Reddit search posts. Like, yeah. The only thing that comes up is, like, stuff that they have put out. And so I'm just really.

Beth, you could have done this one. Yeah. You know, we're stuck in a lifeboat. Good news, though. Crudy's a robot. Shit. Fuck. I'm going to kill myself.

Okay. Okay, but Botox ends with an X, and so does QBotics. But in my head, it was ICS. Yeah, no, the best part about puns is when you use something that nobody knows what it is, like a specific proper down. Well, like, we need to cut out when Freddie said, we need to cut out when Freddie said robot. We need to cut that from the podcast.

We can't have that. People can't hear that he came up with such an easy and good. It's just, you're talking to talk. It's the first time he's ever tried it. It's beginner's life. Beth, you were talking so much about injection. I thought you were going to talk about, like, data injection. Oh, my God.

I can't breathe. Hi, everyone. Hi, everyone. I'm, excuse me. You're excused. I'm Betty Crocker's husband. Hi, I'm Will Campos. I'm Betty Crocker's husband. I don't like the way you've been speaking about her.

You take your wife's name out of your mouth. And her wife's name on your own wife. Don't talk to your wife. And take my wife's baked goods out of your mouth. Take my wife's cookie crumble out of your mouth. I run this podcast. I'm the boss. You run it.

But I like to think of myself as your friend as well. Good to know that that is precedent that I can use in season four. My creepy fact for today is that, and this is true, originally, you know how the Betty Crocker recipes, you got a crack an egg in there? Oh, yeah, I know this one. Yeah, so originally there was no egg. It was just like, hey, you just dump water in here. You can make it a fucking cake or whatever.

And then they found that, like, and all the 50s Freudian egghead weirdo guys that were asking housewives about this, they found they didn't like it. They're like, I don't like, I don't trust this thing. It's just in a box. And not that it tasted different. It just felt weird. And then the marketing guys were like, no, have her crack an egg in there. Have her use an egg from her own kitchen.

And then she'll feel like she made the cake, even though we made the cake. And then they went even weirder with some fucking Freud dude who was like, yes, it is like she is offering the egg from her own ovum to produce for the family. Shut up, statement. That's why the best cake is a depression cake, the one that's just olive oil and stuff that people had in their cabinet during the depression. Oh, I thought that was like a cake shape. No, oh, that's a good point. I thought all kicks when you eat them by yourself.

I've had many a depression cake in my life. That's usually just when I eat the frosting that's left over out of the little fucking tin. This is another creepy synergistic fact, but the fucking Peachyville is going to blow up in like one day. What? And we are recording this the day before the first atomic bomb exploded near Alamo Gordo, New Mexico.

The anniversary of it. No, we went back in time. The shitty one in the fucking movie? Yeah, Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer. Okay, Oppenheimer one. The worst explosion. Not the real one.

The real one was a pretty cool explosion. Yes. We're recording this on the anniversary of when the movie Oppenheimer detonated their mediocre atomic bomb. All right. Let's fucking. Let's do it. Shut up.

Shut up. You've been talking. Shut up. Shut up. We're going to do a podcast now. When last we left our heroes, you jumped out of a plane again to save Kelsey's life as she dropped through the fucking air. And then by hook and by crook, you all managed to survive and splash down in a life raft, a dingy, if you will.

You watched Ebenezer White and Yaroslava Baranova distract all the sky spurns as they flew off and their big old plane and blew up. You then fucking sailed your boat over to the sinking rerun of Bothman's ship, guided by the prophecy of Ambrister, who told Freddie in a dream to seek the sinking light, whereupon you found a spellbook. the book of Ibon, from which you all learned some fun spells. Only a couple of you went insane. And so Francis is now terrified of sinning. And Kelsey... What she should be. Kelsey teleported into another version of Kelsey.

We'll get to her in a second. Timmy learned the spell gate, which he's going to use to be me back to Peachyville in just a second. Oh, wow. But first, we're going to jump to the world that Kelsey found herself in, where she was the high priestess of Zuzel and a conquered Pechieville in some sort of ruined post-Zusel. Does she have a cool, like, Zardaz-esque outfit that she's wearing? She's wearing the shot-connery outfit from Zardos. That would be interesting.

I said it was interesting. I said it was interesting. I believe it was in a big robe. I'll let you design your outfit, Matt. I'll let you design your outfit, Matt. I love a robe. I said, I'm in a big robe. What color?

It's too big for me. It's too big. What color? It's a big black robe and it's got Kelsey written in that's an embroidered out. Oh, an embroidered robe. Yeah. And on the back, it says grammar. Okay.

But the inside would you. All the shirt is just his grammar on it? But as all I was like... Too much shirt that's Kelsey. And the fucking pocket. It just has grammar on the back? That's a fucking killer. Bullseye, dude.

That's fantastic. And that's it. That's it. It's very classy. What's the fabric? Well, this is the best part. If you say it's just bulletproof fabric, I'm slitting your throat. It's the best part.

It's the best part. And the inside, the inside is just full of fucking weapons. Okay. It's got pockets full of weapons. It's got pockets full of weapons. blades on the left side and guns on the right side because this version of Kelsey fucking learn how to fucking fast draw with the right hand

or left hand fucking throwing knives right and the grammar each letter of the grammar thing is like a bat belt like a utility belt because so your belt buckle is your full first name so in order to access your utility belt you have to reach

like to your back and get what's that oh I thought that G was just a little piece of embroidery no it's like a fucking batwing, you know, like those like ninja stars, you pull up and you throw it. So she's got how many letters is grammar? She's got seven ninja stars. Okay, so yeah, so yeah, she's got cool robe, but at least the real part is Kelsey and grammar. I'm sure it's not bulletproof, but I do think it's got a lot of pockets. It's got a lot of pockets on the inside. Thanks. Full of Kevlar. Regardless, you snap and reading the book,

lost your tenuous grip on reality for a mere moment and found yourself once again transposed into the body of another Kelsey somewhere out there in the multiverse. You were walking out onto the dais of a mighty fucking platform and looking down at the screaming throng of people who, you don't know, are they Zuzel worshippers? Are they prisoners of Zuzel? You don't know. And then you went back in Tide to Vamp for Time, whereupon you came face to face with your brother, disguised as a guard in this castle. And he said, about time you showed up, sis. And now, kept you waiting, huh? Kept you waiting, huh? We began our scene. John? Are you, you're...

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Okay, we've only got a couple of minutes. Okay, but are you like... Yes, it's me, Kelsey. No, but like you, John, like not, like the John for this, Kelsey or my John? So actually, as you say that, the face of this guy, like flickers for a second. And you see the face of another person underneath. It's like a flash of confusion for a second. And then it flickers back to John's face.

He's like, it's complicated, okay? I've only got a couple of minutes in this body before I'm going to get kicked back out. Okay. I'm glad I finally found you. I'm just going to be a quick hug. Yeah, okay, yeah, bring it. And you hear like a little clanking of, like, his armor. How old does he look like...

How old is he? Kelsey? She's 50. So how much older is John than her? You have been like eight years older. Okay, so yeah, he looks not a day over 59. And yes, he gives you a hug. And then he says, it's good to see you, sis.

You look so old. I'll give him back at you. Yeah, I know. Spring chicken either. It's been a while. We got good jeans. You look good. Thank you.

You look cold but good. Okay. Me? Yeah. You look good to. You look good to, sis. Okay. It's great to see you.

We only have a couple of minutes. Okay. But I'll try to answer whatever questions you have, first and foremost. Oh. Oh my gosh. so many questions. I mean, where we are, we're trying to stop. The big dick in the sky came, not came, but came down and is coming. The powers that be. They've made contact with you. Yeah, they're going to kill Peachieville. Zuzzo's going to kill Peachieville in order to stop it,

but we can't let that happen. We can't let the world and we got to find a way to stop it. Has anybody ever stopped it before? No, but I think there's a way. I think we can stop it. You and me together. We can do this. It's a little complicated. It's a little too long to get into right now, but come find, you got my message, right? The I peach compass lock and school. Yeah, what haven't you? Oh, I know that message so while I've memorized it and I think about it every day. Okay, so why haven't you come get me?

Well, okay, well, just tell me what you meant by it. I thought it was just like five things. That's the, I can only get a message to you from the charm bracelet, right? That was the only link I had to you. But now I can talk to you so you can just tell me. All right. So just first of all, I got him. You know how I'm always telling you things about teaching that become your little say?

That's right. That's right. Everything special about Kelsey came from a man. John, I'm going to stop you right there. You were a good teacher, but since then, I've become a great teacher. So let's just talk through it and just tell me what you meant to say, okay? What did you mean to say, John? Kelsey.

Yes, John. It's got really intense. It's got really intense. I'm so happy that you've become a great teacher. But as a great teacher, you should know that you can't just give the answer to the student. You've got to let them work through it, right? Sure. So, sure, so.

Sure. I don't have a lot of time, but I do have a riddle for you. stop the clock It's just like those puzzles we used to do Is that not a physical I But like the letter I Like meaning you like I Okay great

You're already you know You know what kids say about peaches now What do they say about the beach I've been out here in the multiverse for so long Some kids they drop peaches and they mean butt Yeah That's how you catch Yeah kids do a lot of butt stuff

Not a lot of peach stuff They call Peachyville the town I saw and I saw enough butt stuff in the war I didn't realize that it would continue. So Peach, Peachyville. Okay. So I... Well, first of all, it's I and then a compass.

Now, what does a compass mean? Did you forget about the compass? No, I thought a compass came after Peach. Compass comes before Peach. Okay, compass comes before Peach. I compass, peach. What could a compass mean? Direction?

Ah, the letters in the compass directions spell news. News. News. I news. Okay, look, it said that I'm in Peachyville. The Bisons have imprisoned me and time is running out skull. That was the message. What was the skull?

The skull was skulls are bad. Oh. Kelsey. Skoll is like death. I think this is maybe a blame the teacher situation. John. Kelsey. You know what?

I got the message now. Okay. Look. I'm trapped in PG film. Yeah. Oh, that's, wait. Yes. And I've been hoping you would look at this message for more than five seconds.

Like, again, is this you, you? This is me. This is really me. Okay. Look, I'll give you the highlights version. The highlights for children version. Yeah, I love those. Can you put in a little maze for me?

Is there highlights for adults? You warned me. You warned me about that day that I was going to die. And then I managed to avoid dying. Then they put me somewhere else. And I had a dream of you warning me again and again and again and again. I managed to live through the entire war thanks to you. Thanks to all these looped versions of yourself warning me about my impending death.

They called me lucky John Grammer in the war. But I also gained the attention of a lot of, well, I won't call them bad. But I gained the attention of certain people and certain institutions within the U.S. military that wanted to study me and I signed up to be studied by them and they poked me and prodded me and over the course of time. You never came home? Mom, dad? You never thought you'd tell us that you were alive?

My existence, my very existence became classified. I couldn't come home. But I had to serve mankind. This was a new frontier in science. I thought that if anyone would understand, it was my curious younger sister who always wanted to know more about the universe. I was offering myself up to mankind

for the greater good, or so I thought anyway. Oh, shit. I just think that my very, existence was classified as like the ultimate line for like soon to be ex-husbands out there. Babe, I could not come home last night. My very existence was classified. Okay. Well, I guess.

I mean, I've always been curious, but I would never hide from my, it's fine. It's fine, John. Just you think there's a way to stop this. I think there's a way.

But I need to find you. You've got to come find me back in Peachyville, okay? I was a part of this government program. And it became something twisted and something dark at Peachyville. And I've been trying to bring you to me to release me. They've got these keys. They've got me locked in this room and you've got to let me out. Okay.

Have you been in there? I mean, how's your life been overall? It's been strange. I'm not going to lie. It's been a little lonely out here. Remember we did that rat in the maze for the science fair? Yeah. It was like that.

But the maze was, you know, you're looking at it. And despite all my rage. Mom and dad are still alive. They are? Mm-hmm. Even though Will said they weren't one time. But I hide it in my character's sheet. So they are.

They're still alive. Okay. How do I get out of here then? That's going to be a little tricky. You know, it could happen any minute. Whenever you and your other version switch places again, I keep seeing you making these jumps through the multiverse. I've been trying to chase you.

I've been trying to track you down. You always slip right out of my fingers. But it seems like right now we have a couple of moments. But I have to, and then you start to see his face flickering a little bit more. John, no! I'm just got to. I'm just come back. John!

He disappears. You hear a voice say, Who are you talking to back there? I was talking to myself about how I was going to surprise you for your birthday. For Zuzel's birthday? Yeah. Who told you of my birthday? I mean, you told me.

Did it do you? She's beginning to believe. Give me a deception role. That was that deception. I just assumed that they were like together in this timeline. Also, Matt's playing a woman, so he gets, like, advantage on remembering people. That's fair. goes both ways. Not only do women get an advantage

on remembering people's birthdays, men get distinct disadvantage as well. Okay, yeah, so, all right, yes, we'll say that Zuzel feeling nervous that he forgot that he told you what his birthday is. It's like, oh, yes, and I know your birthday as well. Of course. So, what did you get me? Kelsey, come closer. Where is he?

He's on this, like, just as like a painting. There's a painting that's whispering to you. We have, as you know, dinner tonight with Mother. Ah, yeah. Mother is... She hates me, doesn't she? Mother's a little upset with him. Remind me why? Like specifically why she's, I know why.

This is a little bit of why Mother is upset with you. She gave you a task. I gave you a task. And it hasn't gone quite to plan. Progress has been slow, Kelsey. And preparing for the next phase of the war with the powers that be. Mother is disappointed that the majority of the Earth's population still hasn't converted to zoozellism. Oh.

Well, we're trying. You know, I'm on your side. Once people get to know you more, they're going to love you. I just, I saved this world from the powers that be. How hard could it be to convince them to worship me? Yeah, no, they're just mad about the people. When you said you could be my speaker, Kelsey. Yes.

I trusted you. And I just, I don't want to make mother upset. So how are we going to deal with this tonight? Well, so can I tell you a little something? Could I get it? Could I just? Yes. Z.

You know, I love it when you call me Z. I just want to go out tonight. If I wanted to just, A night on town, just to relax, just to get calm before seeing mother. If I just wanted to, like, jump around to a different dimension real quick, just to, like, calm down. I think it would really help if I could see one of my other Kelsey's interact with your mother to help me, you know, get ready to interact with mother tonight. Interesting. A multi-dimensional reconnaissance.

Yeah. You're the first Kelsey to propose this. Well, you know, you always said I was the smartest one of all the other ones that you took and then killed. I was the best one. Well, there is one other Kelsey. Who? She vexes me greatly. A Kelsey in a dimension of earth in a different pace than this one.

A Kelsey who has proven immune to my charms. I have offered my power to her time and time again, yet she rejects me. She pushes me away. She sounds like a real bitch, honey. Yes, yes, she is. I think. But I mean, that's because we have got trust. You and I have trust.

That's right. But the date with mothers tonight. I know. I'm just going to be gone for a little bit. What does that mean? Look, you do you before dinner, but you better be there for dinner. Yeah, but you never give me the keys to the interdimensional vehicle that lets me jump back to where my friends are. Give me a persuade role.

One of the all universe Kelsey says got to be a Deadpool, Kelsey, right? Sure. Sure, Frank. Is that guy still giving that speech out? Yeah, well, we'll get to that in a second. Ooh, a 3855, so yes, I passed. Very well. Why don't you go attend to your official duties?

Yes. And then after you're done, I think that guy's running on a time out there. He's been vamping for a while. I know. And after you're done, I can send you on a little joyride to another dimension, any dimension you wish. Ooh, yes. I would love to find one where you haven't quite come out yet so I can see how big and strong you look when you come out and then take on the world and then your mother will still be there

so I can see how proud she is of you and all that stuff. but I think it's just going to give me in the right mood to meet my mother-in-law. Very well. And not meet, I mean, you know, meet her expectations. Very well, Kelsey, off you pop. And as he says that, the door's open and this flustered guard is like,

Madam High Priestess, Kramer, the crowd, they bathe for blood. I can no longer to hold them back. Oh, what blood? The prisoners are ready, and he presents this, like, sacrificial, dagger for the kiss of your blade. Oh, I kiss the blade.

No, that's a, it's a term of speech. Yes. They're ready for you. To what? To slut their throats, as you always do. To slut their throats? What are you, Nancy Reagan? Excuse you.

You slits there, you know me. Just looking at me make you think of that word. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. Suezell, honey. That's it. I'm too upset to kill you all today. Tomorrow, you shall be extra dead. Return to your cells.

Yes. Wait, who's honey? That's, it's you, honey. This is my Zuzel. If you want to go out tonight, you have to do your chores first. Okay. So you better go kill those prisoners. And do you can't mind Sir Bibblepop, the guy who swaps his eyes for use? That's his whole thing.

And Sir Biblepop says, yes, Al's a bug problem with me. Zuzel, I was, honey. I was really hoping that your mother could see me kill all these prisoners. Oh, mother is watching. Mother watches all. Mother is always watching. She could watch it tomorrow. Like, she's like, after I see her, like, we could do this afterwards.

You're acting strange. I go, come on. You killed them, you pussy. They're not even real. No, they are real. I don't know. I don't know how this works. I think they're real there to think.

You faint? How many people are there? You go outside to see the prisoners? Yeah, I mean, I see them. The prisoners are outside. I put my head out. How many are there? There are six prisoners.

and they've got little hoods on so you can't see them yet but maybe when you walk outside they will be dramatically revealed to you who they are and it'll be kind of cool okay yeah let me go let me get started

let me do this my way come on you had to me do this let me do it my way very well as you step out the crowd roars with a hungry bloodlust and Sir Bipple Pop

looks out of the crowd and says behold Kelsey the Hugh Executioner Bibblepop was like warming them up though Yes, he was, and now he's introducing. Can we get a little bit of his type five? All remembering the eyes and the U's are swapped.

Oh, I don't think they're not to do that. Hey, everyone. What's the deal, was? It's me, Star Bubble Pup. Ah, ha, ha, I love this guy. All right, that's all. You just wanted my dignity. You just wanted my dignity on a plate for a second.

How many dead prisoners does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many dead prisoners does it take to screw in a load bulb? How many? He has to swap the U's too, doesn't he? Because it's used with eyes. I've only been doing those. I, like, literally just said Priblem because I thought the O's were involved.

Like, I can't even comprehend what you're doing right now. We still haven't. How many dead prisoners is a take to cover a light bulb? How many dead prisoners does it take to screwing all that build? We don't know. We keep killing them. We still haven't found as many as we should. There's so much despite how many we can.

We still have it. It's just so dark in there. Here to answer that question. Us, Kelsey Grammer. And then he introduces Kelsey. There you go, Freddy. That was great. So, Kelsey, as you step out.

How many? How many? We don't know. We keep throwing more of them at the problem. But the light bulb never get screwed in. But we're at a million now. Whoa. That's a lot of dead prisoners.

As you step out, Kelsey. I almost said Colsey. As you step out, Colsey. Colsey Gabbard. It's grammar. It's read it right on the back of my rope. As you step out, two more guards step up and pull the hoods off of these prisoners one by one and revealed to you are the cool mirror universe resistance versions of Francis Farnsworth,

Trudy Trout, Blake Lively, Tony Colette, and BB Britannica Blue, who are all, I guess that's five of them, right? Is that five? And there's a guy. And Scrippie's there. And Scrippie's there, and he's like, no, please, I have a final link. Kill him first. Hey man, what's up? Kill everyone else first. I kill us cookie. Hell yeah.

Save me the trouble, bro. Do you guys want to paint a picture of your cool resistance, alternate new universe selves? Yeah. Mindless, like, confident and cool and has an eye patch. Everyone has eyepatch. We all have eyepatch. All got an eye patch, all got beards.

How did you guys all lose your eyes? Long story. Wouldn't you like to know? Jerking off. Jerking off. Oh. I lost mine jorking my peanuts. That's what made us.

come together as a group. We don't play bowling in this universe. Literally and figuratively. You guys are like the cooler version of my friends back at the place. Hell yeah, we are. Your friend sounds like I've never killed anybody. So Scribby was bad, right? Oh yeah, scrimpia was perfect. Yeah, we kept them around as a joke.

Yeah, I thought it was funny. That's quite the punchline then, huh? Yeah, still the knife and put the dead body. Man, this guy rules. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I just spread her up by each and every one of you. Yep. Nice.

Oh, I think that's enough for me today. And then I'm going to cast words of power. Oh, no! And say, everybody, I know you want to see more, but I find, like, when I treat myself with a good little piece of chocolate, if I eat it all at once, I don't have any chocolate for the rest of the week.

Is the light bulb noted in? So I do a little taste out of time. So we get one death today, and we'll have another one tomorrow. Go home and think about how great it's going to be when we kill another one tomorrow. How many magic points you got? I mean, this Kelsey,

I guess you're in this Kelsey's body. Yeah, which I'm like, I feel pretty fucking powerful. So we'll say you've got, you've had your refractory period and you're back up to full magic points. But is your sanity points? Because it's your mind. How many sanity points do you have? I have 35. Okay, so give me a 1d6 sanity points.

Dude, we're just cranking these sandy points at the end of the game. It's like at the end of the semester when you got to spend all your money at the fucking spending dollars. Three. Okay. So you lose three sanity. You have to speak to them for 10 minutes. Okay.

Just for the sake of those podcast, I think we can, you know. Just do you a little fun. sample of the stuff you say to that chocolate thing was pretty good I thought yeah that was pretty good that was a reason but if you all wish to hear more about how I delight in chocolates and little nipples at a time this is how I trusty grammar like to spread out my one chocolate bar that's just so gives me a week

I find that odd because he promised me the whole world if I were to live with them but I get one chocolate bar a week but it is a big chocolate bar to be fair and I split them up now the chocolate bars come in little pieces of like... I was just talking about the chocolate bar for 10 minutes. All right. After 10 minutes, the crowd roars.

Before you got out there, they were chanting blood, blood, blood, blood. And now they're chanting more blood tomorrow. Yay. That's right. And you return inside? Yeah, I look at the five of them. Could you guys come back with me? All right.

Look, you can try to do whatever you want. Now the guards start taking them away. I go, don't worry. I'm not going to be back here to kill you guys. So you probably all will die tomorrow. What the fuck? I thought you were cool. No, I am cool, but I'm going to, me, this Kelsey is going to switch with the other Kelsey.

You're just telling this to them in full view of the guards? What are the guards care? Yeah, what are the guards care? Hey, wait, you're not from this universe? You're not supposed to talk. We can tell Zuzzo. Wait a second. Are you, imposter?

Yeah, if you don't let us go, we'll tell Zuzza out that. I'll kill that guard. You're starting. You yell imposter. You're the one who's just out of your fucking just saying, whatever. We're just rivet, we're just reverend having a good time, well. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, it's fine. All right, so none of that happened.

They all get dragged away. You go watch them die. And what do you do now, Matt? But Will, what if it did happen? Wait, am I watching them? I think it'd go a little something. A lot of it is. $1 plus tax for a smooth, small, premium roast coffee at McDonald's.

That means rich, full-bodied flavor. At a price that's just as satisfied. Must be McAfee. Enjoy a small, make-cafe premium roast coffee for just $1 plus tax. At participating McDonald's and Canada, prices exclude delivery. I, and I assume a lot of the audience and all of you are ready to be out of the Atlantic Ocean. So what I'm thinking we should do is just... Oh, we should turn it into life of pie.

No. Where do you guys think you'd have asked Timmy to beam you to in Peachyville with his... 100% right onto Blake's property. I would say Dr. Dogg's veterinary practice. Blake's property. Well, hold on. Blake's property is burned down. I established that I had many floors underground, remember?

I just feel like where the key is. And his guest houses and stuff are actually bigger than his normal house. That's true. Also, what is the frequency of use with this thing? Can we just be like, hey, let's do a quick, you're going to finish our side quest and go to fast travel? I'll have to look up with this. You should go to where the key is. The key is at Dr.

dogs. That's why I suggest we go to Dr. Dog. Also, I feel like Matt doesn't get to be a part of this conversation because he body swapped with the other Kelsey's. Where does evil Kelsey think you should go? Oh, hi. Hey. Careful. You've got like a different central energy, dude.

Different vibe, Kelsey, a cool, bad boy vibe. I'm just going to observe. What did you get that eye patch? Huh? Where'd you get that eye patch? You're just going to observe? But you're normally making decisions and offering your opinion and your grace. What are you doing now?

I feel like it's your time to shine and it's my time to bask in that shine. It's interesting that you're not confused about who we are or what the situation is. Hey, mom? Yeah. Does Kelsey always like dart her eyes from side to side all shifty like with a little smirk. I don't remember Kelsey doing that. Well, that's incredibly observant of you, Timmy. He doesn't have eyes, though, and she only has one eye, so.

I'm darting one eye, and that's just because that's the way I've dealt with having less depth perception. Oh. As I moves around quickly. It's like a, like a, to observe as much as possible and take it as much as a game. From different angles to create theft perception. Well, I'm sold. Well, mom, I've been cast in this spell for a while.

It takes a couple hours to cast. The last thing I need to do. For a while. Oh, my goodness, Timmy. Yeah, if you not been paying attention to have been doing it. All the finger touching. Yes, I've been wanting to, but yes. So the spell is pretty much ready to go. All I have to do now is say where we want to go.

Yes. So if you guys could tell me, because I'm not feeling that good. Dr. Dogg's veterinary clinic. Oh, yes, because that's where the, you're not feeling good, and you need more of the venom, and we need to get it from the alien, the doll maker that is in Dr. Dog's clinic. Sure. Also, the key is there.

The last key to destroy Zuzel. Two birds with one. Zuzel. let's go to Lord Zuzels Kelsey that's what an odd thing to say I mean we can do that after we get the key Timmy says to

Dr. Dogs and he says that and this portal opens in front of you That's exactly like the Marvel portal It's all sparkly and shit And everyone's like wow You know what a big painting

Like the paintings of Mario 64 appears in the way to do it That's a little painting of Dr. Dogs That's so much better I jump into that shit and watch the ripple I try to get as high in the fucking frame as I possibly can. I try to get exactly in the center.

So the ripples pleasantly hit all the corners at the same time. But little did you know, man? Yeah, you definitely have a OCD. Little did you know that there was a clock in that painting and you jumped in while it was going fast. So now everything is in fast forward. No, I'm just kidding. I do the long jump and Simultantziclair 40 stares at once.

All right, Beth, do you have any Super Mario 64 jokes you want to do? I don't. I, Trudy's just going to wait until Timmy goes in. Okay. Timmy is, again, he's starting to fade, but he manages to clamber into this portal and then sort of stumbles into the other side. Okay, and then Trudy jumps in,

but then she says, uh, wahoo. All right, you find yourselves at Dr. Dogs. I'm going to immediately run to where I know that body is and see if I can get the key off the ground. Uh, yeah, you find the body is on the ground. The key is not there. God damn, I had a feeling.

However, Bibi Britannica Blue is there, along with a newly conscious doctor dog who BB is tending to with her mediocre first aid skills but surprisingly she hasn't killed her yet and she goes oh my god it's you guys yeah what's up hey uh do you know where there was a key on the ground next to this corpse

you mean I'm sorry I don't have it god damn it just kidding I do have it you mean this kid you little scamp this child needs to be punished I don't know I got to turn around on her I like that little scam move deceiving adults That's great. Okay, cool. So we have this, and now that means we have, uh, and I turn away from I patch Kelsey.

We have all three keys to turn off Zuzel. Yes, are you getting weird vibes from I patch Kelsey? Kelsey, what happened to your eye? How did you for escape? And where am I? Escape from? Hmm, nothing. Oh, the Atlantic Ocean? Well, my son created a big... Well, she was here for that part. She walked from the portal. Yeah, she was here, Mom, and in I, and I... And then Timmy like collapses onto the Dr. Dogg is like, fuck, it's you guys again? What is going on? Who is this kid? We need more help. My head. Help us again. What do you? What now? My son. He's unconscious. He needs more

the, he needs more dollmaker venom. So in this dimension, the lives of children still have value. I see that you. I see you are emotional about this. Wow. That's really good. Kelsey, again, an odd thing to say, and an odd way to say it. Dr. Dogg. That's two strikes, Kelsey. Takes a swig of bourbon. And, takes a drag off of her cigarette and says, okay, look, who is this? What is this? This is my bar, and what's going on? This is my son, Timmy. Take it out of our retainer. Yes, put it on our tabs.

Oh, my retainer. I forgot it at home. What do you need? What do you need for him? What's going on? Yes. So when the dollmaker was alive, RIP, just kidding. I don't like that it was alive. And then the dollmaker put Timmy into a coma. And the only cure to his coma is, well, the dollmaker's own vent.

him, but Mothman did a thing to it. Can't you do the thing? I don't know what the thing was. I'm so sorry. Does the thing involve that weird fucking piece of alien metal you seem to be carrying around with you clutching like the most important thing you've ever had in your life?

Yes. Oh, yes. Of course. All right. Gregor. Oh, shit, that's right. He fucking betrayed me. God damn it.

Get him on the fucking dog gurney in the back and I'll see what I can do. Nice. Okay. Trudy picks up Timmy and puts him on the dog gurney. Dr. Dog wheels Timmy into the back. Along with your machine, you hear a lot of, like, I don't know. You're the unmistakable sound of someone removing a venom bladder from a giant alien.

And then you hear like a squishy sound. Esther is going to have to hard carry me through this description. A little squishy sound from it like getting squirted out. And then you hear it be like, oh, actually I can help with that, actually. You can't hear the sound effects underneath. So Blake is just singing merrily. Blake, stop it. I'm listening for the unmistakable sound of a venom bladder being removed.

Trudy, what does that sound like again? Under the noise of Blake's singing, as you press your ear to the door, you hear Dr. Doc, you're like, how's this fucking then? And then she presses this button, and you hear like, oh, zh, zh, zh, zh. They go out, pretty easy.

I think we're going to be okay back here. This thing seems to be doing something. I hope it works. I'll inject it into your son once it's done doing its thing. Ah, the miracles of modern medicine. Okay, well, your son is safe, and the best thing we can do for his safety

is to keep him here, because they have no reason to come back here. I've got a question. Yeah? How long have we been gone? Yeah, how long have you all been gone? God damn it. Well, Kelsey, you've been here, of course.

Kelsey, that's so weird. So strange. Your eye patches giving you a whole new attitude and outlook on life that I find. Some sort of not unappeal. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you three keep talking about what it is that you want to do. I have a question within a question just for Kelsey. Okay.

What is the one thing about education that you and I don't see eye to eye on? Is that an insult about my eye? No, no, of course not. Yeah, what the hell, Trudy? Oh, no, that's not what I did. Well, I guess we know that robots can be problematic now. That's really interesting. Yes.

What's that thing you always say, Kelsey? I know what you always say. Oh, all hail Zuzel. Oh, okay. And Zuzel teaches all, and you learn all from Zuzel. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, do we have a car? I don't know. And I also, I wonder if we should be

trusting Dr. Dog, how much his time has passed, is maybe nefarious forces gotten to our dear Dr. Dog. No, Dr. Dog is cool as hell. It seems like Dr. Dog woke up pretty recently and also was just betrayed by the Bison's who knocked around and tried to steal the keys. I'm just being crazy. I'm being hysterical.

No, you're not being hysterical. Slap. You're not being hysterical. Your slap gets canceled out by Bibi, also going to slap Trudy on the other cheek at the same time, and you're just going to get squished between both cheeks. Bibi's like, yeah, it's okay. I got here right as Dr. Dog was forgetting.

in consciousness. I was looking for you guys. Things have been really crazy in town lately. Okay? Things have been going on. And it sounds like some crazy shit's been going on outside. We've had no contact with the outside world since you guys left for Russia two days ago. What's going on? What's been happening? I mean, a lot. There's a big dick in the Atlantic Ocean or the Pacific Ocean. Oh, can we see it from here. Atlantic, yes. Oh, yes. Maybe we can't. That's a quite. Would you be able to see? Depends on how tall it is. I mean, but it's like Nebraska. Is it hard or not? I don't think we'd be able to see it. I can't see Mount Everest from the parking lot. That's true. I'm getting to Google Earth and I'm going to Nebraska and I'm just getting

real close to the globe. I'm just getting real close to the globe. Okay. So I feel like I summarized to BB. Yes. Okay. So yes. And then you're excruciating detail. 13 seconds later Bibi takes one of Dr. Dog's cigarettes and lights it up and says, oh my God, it's even worse. It's even worse than I expected. We need to get back to Biss at HQ so we can plug these keys in and stop Zuzel. And then also at some point find out how to stop the powers that be, which Zuzel is going to stop. And I think that there's something. Sorry, I meant like B like stop. Stop. Collaborative. And listen to Zuzel.

This is an unexpected blessing for me because I was, now I know what the world is like when Zuzel does not rise. Children. Don't you understand? I come from a place. Oh my, you are also lucky. I come from a place. I look at my own for something that kills dogs.

Destroyed. Dr. Dog, anything that kills a dog will take down a large human. For like five to six hours. All this panic. make you for our feeling would be gone. But she's still teaching. Isn't that kind of nice? Francis, give me

a spot hidden role. Oh, God, in heaven. Hey, is maybe just me, but does anyone else think Kelsey is acting a little weird? I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. I failed. Guys, T-model. T-model. One second, one second. One second.

Team model, pull, t-motic. Okay, okay, yes. Can you go, just keep talking and we're all listening. We're all listening. The way we like to listen is to all look at each other while you speak. That's how we do it in this reality. You always say that when you're teaching, you like us to get into a circle without you and whisper slightly while you are teaching.

Okay. You discuss as you would like, I'm just going to go over there and I'm going to start drawing like a summoning circle. I don't know. Like rings a chicken's neck and start sprinkling it. Guys, you know, remember how Kelsey sometimes gets weird after crazy stuff happens?

I think that maybe she's a different. Kelsey, I think you're already there, B.B. Catch up. So what all have we told her? Just that we're going to stop Zuzel, but she seems to be weirdly okay with that. Okay, but like it seems like she can probably, whenever she goes back, she's going to tell Zuzel what's going on. Do you know what exist in all dimension simultaneously?

I don't know. Hey, Kelsey, real quick. Yes. Does Zuzel exist in all dimensions simultaneously? Yes. God damn it. I believe so. I think Zuzel exists at all.

If somebody asked me that question, I probably would have given an answer that made things easier on us, it's not harder, but that's fine. But just because. a priest of the god says a thing doesn't mean that it is true that would be up to the dungeon master whether or not that is the way the rules are true that is true that's true it is true it is true that is true says the dungeon master ah zuzell let me answer it this way the feeling when zoosel touches me oh josey now feels the same as it does when he touched me in my own dimension so i think it's the same zuzel what's the one fucking worst he can do he can't get

out unless the thing opens, and we have the thing to make the thing not open. Remember, Kelsey switches back into her body at some points. I'm going to switch back into this, one of them that one's going to go back to where it was. Yeah, I guess that dimension's fuck, but I don't care about them. They're not us. Yeah, but then, you know, okay, just, I feel like there's probably Zuzel's going to learn whatever we're talking about right now. So let's all just, we should

disinformation is the key. We're going to go home and now. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. I officially declare it opposite day, but don't tell Kelsey. Oh. Yes, I will tell Kelsey. Okay, let's not go into the project cartland and use the, not use the keys that we don't have.

Can they roll spot hidden? Bad point. Roll spot hidden. Wait, but is it? Hold on. Hold on. But Nega Kelsey. My bad spot hit. Yeah, every, all your stuff are reversed. I don't you roll spot hidden. I said ow. And then if you responded and I'm asking you to to roll spot hidden.

Are we? So we are all rolling spot here. Yes. You guys roll spot hidden. Don't worry, everybody. I didn't see anything with a 81 roll. Bebe got a 62 and also does not see anything. I got a 48 and my spot hidden is 60 yes.

So it's, um, yeah. What is true? You see my owl is because I pricked my finger and I'm writing everything you guys are saying in blood on a wall inside of a circle.

So like you see as a little starts it's like, Zeus, all father, lover, brother. Everything, you are everything to me. Know that this is what these

fools are doing. They are currently planning to this where I'm writing. She's going to lose blood loss eventually. Pass out. I write really small, like, people that are really good at taking tests, the notes on tests. In order to see this, Trudy's eyes, like, bulge out slightly and, like, spin to, like, come. Oh, they zoom in?

Like, Inspector Gadget. Now they're sticking out of your head, like, four inches. Yes. And then she pulls her eyes back, but she still looks really bug-eyed when she says that. I think that opposite day will absolutely be enough to handle this problem. Hey, guys, since it's opposite day, how about we don't beat Kelsey's ass? I'm still writing. I don't know Kelsey was sort of the captain of our ass beating team.

I don't know if our ass beating effects you will be where it was. I'm actually pretty good with the gun. Yeah, she's shoot her. Just fucking shoot her. We know it's not our, Kelsey. Who cares? Fucking ICE this bitch. She wants to eat.

This bitch is looking hungry. Okay, I do need to remind you. again, then at some point, our Kelsey's going to swap back into this Kelsey. And then you got five seconds to stop me somehow. Here's the bodies that swap. They're like, they're like, they're mind swap. Dr. Dog, I guess we can say their body swap. I assumed it was a full body swap.

Since we've been playing this eye patch thing, yeah. You know, because you were in a robe when you beamed into the other universe. They're naked bodies. We'll just say that the moment I appeared, I was like, ah, why is my, why does my, I just made a quick eye patch? Yeah, you made one quickly. Okay, great. Dr. Dog, where is your hose?

It seems like you got... Dr. Dogg is in the middle of performing surgery. Dr. Dog, where the hose at? I just want to spray down the blood thing. Just spray it. Just spray it with water. You just tackle me. I got to tackle Kelsey.

No, but the message. The message to the day. She has to press send on the... It literally starts with like, these fools, what they want to do is they want to, and then you tackle me? Yeah. I mean, you know, can you be fun about it, Anthony?

So I hop over one leg at a time And I'm just sort of like awkwardly like sort of lean into Kelsey All right who wants to tackle Kelsey Okay Francis I want to spray down her message with a hose Okay great I'll help tackle um I'll help tackle Kelsey Don't do that

What man you can't whispered I'm being the other cause Freddy don't do that I'm fucking running this game right now Fray don't do that No, no, no, wait, wait, put something else in the blood. Yes, there you go, you got it. We let this Kelsey, okay, Will doesn't have to listen to this. We let this Kelsey write a message. So we know this is going to Zuzzo.

I stopped halfway through the message. So once other Kelsey snaps back, are you, you guys can continue to ride in the blood but things are useful like this. Oh, good point. This dimension is not doing anything. Don't even bother looking at this dimension. The dimension doesn't want to know how to defeat the powers to me. Exactly.

I don't tackle Kelsey. I poke her with a safety pin. Okay. So that I have her blood on my. hands. Oh. Okay. I'm just holding the hose as like a last minute. Oh, I'll spray Kelsey in the face with the hose. Nice. I got booked by a knee-dogging spray. Okay. Here's what we do. Here's what we do. Francis, give me a, um, a melee brawl role for tackling Kelsey. Actually, a pretty good melee brawl. Uh, super success. Okay, great. Do I get a roll though?

Yes, you get an opposed role. You can do, does she try to like maneuver? What's you trying to do? You can dodge. I'm trying to just keep riding. So that would be probably a dodge rather than to fight back. Yeah, we'll call that a dodge. Okay. If you're trying to keep writing, it's a disadvantage dodge roll. Oh, well, that's going to be very bad. Because you're trying to stay in one place. I had 99 with a disadvantage. Okay. All right. So fucking Francis bases you to the ground. Trudey give me an attack roll for pricking her with the pin. But I got her pin down. Can we say that happens after I get her pinned down? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. No, you fools. Don't you understand? Don't you understand? You're so close. You're so close to having the most perfect world

where Suezell is your God. Yeah, I'm your teacher. That's the best world he could ever have. The teacher of all children of this world. This was always Kelsey's move, I see. I think she might have a point, though. Oh, no. I'm just kidding. I'm talking with you. Beth, give me a disadvantaged attack roll

for pricking her with a pin. If it's a disadvantage, I've already failed. Oh, no, sorry, advantage. Sorry, yeah, because she's pinned down now. A 29. I pass, yeah. Holy shit. Okay, great.

Kelsey, you get to do another opposed role to this attack. Disadvantaged because you're pinned down by Francis's maneuver. 70, so it's a disadvantage will be still. 70. So yes, fail. Great. Your pin plunges into her thumb or where are you stabbing her? Yeah, I think thumb is the right way. Yeah. Oh, Trudy, right. Dot, dot, dot. They know how to defeat the powers that be. Um, what? But let's get to that in a second. Freddie, now give me an attack roll to spray Kelsey in the face. What vessel of water did you find in this place? Probably like a hose to clean off stuff. Like, I feel like I've seen these. Just an interior hose. Interior hose.

Interior. Here's what it is. I saw a video of like a pet grooming. guy. It was just like, you know, an industrial-ass hose in the corner. All right. That's what I noticed. Fucking blast that hose. I blast it. Was it that guy that's always like, we got that blueberry shampoo rolling in? Yes. Yeah, he's always rolling in that shampoo.

I know. It feels like he's in the pocket of big blueberry. 29 out of it. It passes all of them, dude. Even if it was an intelligence check. Nice. It's a good idea, too. What do I roll?

Do you want to dodge it? Do you want to fight back? What do you want to do? Is it a normal dodge or a disadvantage? I got a damn. I got a good role. You're going to get wet. 17.

Now it's 77. You all. Disavance is bad. Okay, 77. Okay. All right. So yes, you spray Kelsey in the face. Kelsey, this Kelsey is clearly a lot more crazy than you are.

Offensive. Offensive. I think I'm the only sane one. That's what I think. That's the thing that the most sane person in any given conversation always says. Give me a sanity role. And we'll say her sanity score is 15. Oh, well, then I failed. I got 20.

Good news. You've failed your sanity roll, so this blast of water snaps you out of it. Snap back to reality. And you go, as Blake empties this clip of dog water on on a Kelsey's face, we pull back over to the dimension that our Kelsey currently finds herself in. In the middle of her sexy teta-tete with Zuzel, and he's like, hang on, babe, I'm getting a message from one of the other Kelsey's. It says, dear Lord Zuzel, I like you like a brother and a,

husband, hot. Wait, it sounds like she's... Oh, no, Master Zuzel, you need a little help with reading. I believe it says I... And right as you say that, you swap places with the other Kelsey. You're back in your body. Oh. In our reality. Ah.

That Kelsey is back in her body in the other reality. And you're getting sprayed with water in the face by Blake Lifeley. Ah, what? What's happening? Oh, help. Stop. What's that thing you always say? what thing

you know what Kelsey always says I say a lot of things I don't say it's an insane thing to ask a person Tell us something about teaching right now What do you mean? Can't kill you Oh my God What about teaching is my favorite thing in the world

What do you mean what do you want to learn about How do you feel about Zuzel If you just want me to talk about teaching You could just ask I'd be happy to tell you Are you thinking about being a teacher to me Oh it's like god damn it Okay well let's get in your back How what's wrong? Why am I bleeding?

Oh I'm so sorry You were trying to summon something It wasn't you other you was trying to talk to Zuzel, which means you can finish the e-mail. I mean, the letter to the email. Wait a second. Hold on. Say that again. I was just kind of an email. There's another Kelsey in my body. Yes. Oh, I didn't think. So she's, that other Kelsey is probably just telling Zuzzo what you all said. Yeah, probably. I didn't leave. I didn't think that hard about that.

But you never know. Maybe I'll try. Yeah, you should. I go ahead and continue, right? I say, these people, they don't care about Zuzel, they're not going to try to stop it. In fact, they already know how to kill the powers that be. Probably should spend your time. Wait, Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey, let's me, BB.

What's the baby? That's a baby that that Kelsey is an imposter. Oh. Do you know what I mean? That would take like maybe 30 seconds for them to disprove. I don't know. But worth a shot, right? Yes.

Worth a shot, then that's where I was back Kelsey on the board. What's a good, like, other Zuzel, maybe? Like another evil god of some sort that. You just say she works for powers to be. Yeah. She works for the powers of bees. As you guys are all debating this, you see a little, like when you can react to a text with a little question mark.

Like you see a little question mark. From the other side from Zuzo being like, what's going on? And then I'm just going to write. I'm just going to be like, she's not the real Kelsey. This is what I'm going to write it. Okay. I just leave it at that. All right.

Sick. Oh, and she's not the real Kelsey. And whatever you don't, and then I do scribbles. Like whatever happened here. I like that. Like an audio log from a. of good video game. Like in minds of Moria, when the dwarves are like, you know, they say the thing.

Oh, that dwarf dies while he's writing something? Yeah. It's like, he should pick the best story, bro. Is there a video? Is there a video where every audio log is like, wait, what was that sound? I'll be right back. What was that? It was probably dead space.

It was nothing. My God. What happens to you? You guys got us out from the ocean? Great job. How did that happen? Timmy has his magic spell, but he's tired. I was probably able to use it.

Timie is done. We've got the one use out of him for the rest of the game. Shut your mouth, Blake. Or what? Kelsey? That's true. Also, that's not Kelsey. That's true, first of all.

Sorry, oh, it's too much aggril about Kelsey. Let's stop focusing on it. We need to get to Project Heartland and use these keys. Give me a persuade role to see if fucking Zuzzo about these shenanigans. 44. Oh, no, my persuades actually pretty good at 55. So it passed. I mean, honestly, we won't know.

There's a pregnant pause. And then you see three little blood dots. Like, he's typing something back. Oh, no. And then they disappear. And then they come back again. He was like, oh, he's got a long one coming. He's really thinking what he needs to stay carefully.

And then you just see this long text. It's like, first of all, I really don't appreciate being lying too. I just killed this Kelsey and she was running the fucking world over here. And then in her last breath, I could see in there the dying light of her eyes that she was actually on my side. And, you know, I've always been pretty honest with you, Kelsey. I know that we don't really get along right now and that you're not on my side. But frankly, you're not like my floor. I'm not even going.

And it just keeps going like it runs. And he's so mad. And it like escapes the ring. Like it's no, you can't see it anymore. You'd have to like scroll up on the ring to keep reading it. Zuzel needs therapy. that's what I think. Well, yeah, let's make sure that he gets it in wherever the fuck he is right now

by putting the keys in and stopping him from talking to our world. Okay. And then we'll find out how to conquer the powers that be. Yeah. Because we're not going to sacrifice. PGville for everybody. That was our plan, right? That's what we read on.

Was the other Kelsey just died was, how was the other Kelsey? The other Kelsey was cool. She was cool? Yeah, she was thick. Oh, no. I'm sorry. She died then. It wasn't the same.

It wasn't the same. Maybe a really selfish question, but just curious. How long did it take you to realize it wasn't me? He was pretty much immediate. That's nice. It took me longer than I'm proud to it. That's okay, Trudy. Do you have a car?

Is there a car some way we can get it to where we need to go? A car. I mean, we could probably find a car, but like, guys, like the whole town is on lockdown right now. There's bison's fucking patrolling all over the place. No one's getting in or out. Shit has been crazy the last couple of days. Kelsey, what was it like over there?

Who did you see? Did you speak to anyone? In the other dimension? Yeah. Oh, oh my gosh. Okay, well, yeah, I did. Let me go in order of the least. exciting and fun to the best.

I think you should do that. I think you should do whatever is most important. Well, just, okay. Well, okay. Yeah, I guess you don't even know what happened to you guys. Yeah, this is definitely. Yeah. Okay. So the most exciting is my brother John is alive. It's a little confusing. Strange name for a man. John? John? John? John is alive. Oh, okay. Oh. I think John is a perfectly normal name. John. John. John, my brother John. Don't call me M-Sob. It is a Jenny. Yes. Yes. He's my brother John. is currently alive which is crazy because I don't remember

I mean he was only 17 I mean he's barely even my brother at this point it's like he's like 30 years oh don't say that I mean he's my brother oh you sorry how it's relevant to us oh uh well he's I'm glad for you also he's a thank you he's alive he said he knows how to stop the powers that be so that's pretty useful okay let's go find him um yeah and he's

he's being hidden in Project Heartland right yeah yeah easy piece yeah we're going to go there anyway I don't think he said anything more detailed than that and there is a lot Project Heartland's pretty big I guess we got to get in there, find a map or something, but he's in there. Arlo, he was there. Arlo loves us.

He did tell you, he told you that he was behind a locked door and that there were three keys to that door. Oh. Okay, so he was behind, yeah, he's behind the locked door and there's three keys. Yay. So very likely. The three keys are the, but we got the three keys. He's the weapon?

Oh, wait. No, he would be the thing that stops Zuzel. Yeah, he's the thing to stop Zuzel from coming in. He, like, busts open with the loom. Because he said he also knows how stop the powers that be. No, that means that in order to, to not summon Zuzel he has to die, right?

Well, we don't know that, but all we know is that. I like that, though. Why do you want my brother to die? No, I don't want that. That's a cool moral choice. It's not much of a choice. John would do it. John sacrificed his life just because he had to

to help his country, but it didn't help anybody. Huh? You just got him back. I know, but I'm just doing, he's a grown person. He told me he wants. You know what?

I'm doing what he asked, I'll hear it from him in person. Yes. Let's go. Wait, I need to check on Timmy, though. Dr. He's fine. Do you not hear off screen?

She said it was fine for like a couple hours. He'd be fine? Are we sure this is the right Kelsey bag? The door to the dog. The dog chamber. The door to the dog murdering room. I mean, it's what it is. It's where they murder the dogs.

Oh, my God. Which is even crazy because, again, she's a vet for cats. Oh, that's right. Well, that's why she murders the dogs. Yeah. What are you doing? the door swing open and Dr. Dog emerges from the dog murder room with your son and he's sort of like holding on to her a little weak and weary but he is back up and he's like I'm okay mom

are you sure yeah it's uh I already feel a little bit better and I just hey I don't say it a lot but but thank you thank you for coming to give me oh I wouldn't have done it any other way I will always be there for you sweetheart I love you so much okay so you're never going to go again you're just going to be you're going to sit here with me while I recover if that's what it takes If the podcast suffers, that's my. I'm making eye contact with Timmy and doing the like kill it gesture, like cut off at my throat. Like, we need her kind of gesture. Well, what's your problem, man?

We need your mom. Oh. Oh, yeah. This is my idea. Not hers. I'm making her do it. Maybe Timmy should come with us. You know what?

Yeah. Francis. Give me a persuade role. It's a psychology role. Yeah, psychology rule. A persuade role. I failed. Okay.

Timmy narrow. throws his eyes at you, but like, now that he knows that that's what you were trying to do, he has, like, he's gained a little bit of respect for you. He respects that you were trying to take the heat off his mom. He says, look, mom, I get it. You got to go save the world. I mean, that's like pretty important stuff, I guess, you know? So just, you know, good luck. And hey, he takes out his switchblade. And he hands it to you and says, anyone fucking gives you any trouble. You slice them, okay? You know I will. You know I will to me. But what if, I mean, you could come with us. You've proven you're more than capable.

So I was going to say this to Timmy, but maybe I could say to you. Again, no judgment about you being homeschool. I'm just saying, Timmy, use me? Oh, yes. You remembered.

It is you. Yes. Timmy, it is healthy as a child to occasionally and Trudy. Yes. I know that you guys are bonding now. Yes. But 24 hours.

Matt did the cutest little handger. 24 hours together. It is healthy to have space as well. That's one reason. Some people recommend children go to school. So they can spend, you know, 10 hours away from their parents and socialize learning things. And just because you love each other, you don't want to become codependent. Yes.

So you guys have bonded. Now separate a little bit. Okay. And then come back together once we save the world. Well. Because he might die if we go. It's very dangerous. Timmy, what I meant to say is I will always come back for you.

So thank you for the switchplay. You'll always try to come. Don't promise things you can. Well, because you know, it is. You should lie to him right now. I would definitely lie. I agree. You should lie.

I can hear everything you're saying. It's okay. We're going to try our best to be back because your mom's doing a really brave thing. I'm just a 12-year-old kid. I'm not, you know, this is a little above my pay grade. There's nothing just about being a 12-year-old kid. You got to the world. Lady, do you want me to stay or not?

What are you going to stay? But don't be sad about it. I get, I get it. I'm just a 12-year-old kid. This is way beyond my pay grade. Little kids should not be getting involved in crazy adventures like this. So I'm going to go. And BB's like, yeah, man, see you later.

Okay, we're all going to head out. Peace. Cool, not a problem. I just, I mean... What, Trudy? Nothing. Say it. Why does Bibi get to come?

Oh, okay, I agree. I don't think he wasn't coming. That's what, no, what do you mean I'm not coming? Oh, I misunderstood. I think you're saying you were leaving with Timmy. I've been running around fucking give the local rescue doctor. Got you the key. I'm coming.

She kicks you in. You got the key in as much as you picked it up off the ground where I left it after I killed that guy. It's you in the other show. What's next? Milton's here? No, absolutely not. It's amazing. in fact Kelsey yes so when you say Milton who else is Milton here

BB goes no wait have you seen him I haven't been able to get a hold of him I haven't heard of my I haven't heard from him at all I'm really scared and worried about him what was the last thing and then Kelsey yes you remember that when you were in the gootubes yes you had a dream yes where Milton was in a closet and you were there and he gave you a book that said everybody was going to die in two days do you is any of this yeah yeah yeah the last time you heard from Milton someone was breaking down the door of his house at Ross was firing a gun at off-screen assailants.

And that was a real, that was happening. That was a real thing that was happening. Oh, my God. Something just occurred to me, and I hate to detour a plan a little bit, but I do believe there are currently people attacking Ross and Milton. Who gives a shit? Everyone's going to die if we don't go right now. I love me.

You guys love people. That's cool. You have people in your life that you care about. I'm so psyched for you because I don't have that, but let's fucking go. I'm with the boy. Okay. Let's just go. Can I just make a quick phone call? Do you think?

Fine. Well, you make a phone call while I find a car. Fine. You'll be on the street. If only we can make a phone call while being in the car. One day. One day. Francis, we're lucky. Francis, you just like, wait, say that again. You just move forward on your plan and I'll catch up.

Bibi stands for Bill Gates. And hey, Francis, Francis. and Bibi looks at you, and she's like, that's my partner you're talking about. That's my fucking partner in Crime Milton you're talking about. The coolest and most respectable and respected kid I know. So you watch it. He's not here.

But I'm here. You're not going to tell him you said that. Well, I don't care. I'm just letting you know that I don't care. I grab her by the shoulders. I scream into her face. She spits gum in your mouth. I have a job for you too.

You can go check on Roz and Milton. That seems like a dangerous. but off-screen thing that could happen. And that way we can continue moving forward because you're right. I don't know what's going on with Ross, but we need to save Milton, but you two are brave.

Go to the house and check on them. With guns. With guns? I mean, I would. I would from what I saw. Bebeenaz. You're like, all right, Kelsey. All right, that makes sense.

And she looks at Timmy. He's like, hey, you, can you handle yourself for what? And then Timmy's like, handle myself better than you. Give me a break. You're like nine years old. It's like, I'm 12. Well, I'm 12, and I...

I see smart playing. And that's how you create a spin-off of people. This is a backdoor pilot for BB to do. And so BB's like, well, you better keep up and don't have space with my crew for slackers or lollygaggers. It's like, well, I don't have time in my life for bossy little nerds. Mom, give me my switchblade back. Well, you gave it to me.

I was going to save the world a thing. Was that? I was going to teach you out. Mom, I need it to look cool. Here, sweetie. Here's your split blade back. Oh, God, you just put it, leave it, just forget it. Just forget it, and then I'll be like my stupid mom forgot it.

I'm going to drop this switchblade to the floor and kick it over like we're in jail or something. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, like a tough guy in the movie. All right, go for it. Yes. And we, here it goes. Just go. He flicks it open and picks his teeth with it and he's like, all right, Toots, let's go. And then he walks off and.

Timmy, don't call a woman Toots. Sorry, Mom. They leave and then Bebe on the way out. I was like, who the fuck is this guy? give me a break and they're gone now. So the rest of you can go do whatever you want they. I'm getting such energy off of you too. And Roz does, is

married to Nile and he's a very strong man. So they should be okay. I'm a little worried. I'm a friend's a little worried, but it does feel like we're on a time sensitive schedule. So. And sorry, not to hold us up any longer. But Francis, you've got one usable leg. We need to get you maybe a dog leg or.

Dog leg. I got a, I already have a crutch. Look. I get, I'm fine. Oh, yeah. Brudhilda fucking appears and, and pops back onto your leg and it's like, did you miss me? No, no, we did her off of there. I mean, I don't really have control.

She'll just pop back on there again. Oh, oh, I see that. Or maybe there is some friction between you and this trout. Shut up, Jesus. Shut up. You killed her better more. Oh, maybe I shall then turn into the spear or the thing that killed the bug to make it more about it.

She doesn't really blame me that much. She turns into a big spear and it's still got Mothman's green blood on it. Not fruity. Um, Trudy's going to try to kick it in half, the spear. Just break it over her knee. Uh, go ahead. Give me an attack roll. All right. Roll.

Holy shit, I got a one. You got a one? Yeah. You got a one? I got a one. Like the best role? Yeah. Best role possible.

You broke the curse. The end. The game goes until Beth rolls a one. I literally, I literally got a one. What's it like being so cool? You know, Bramon did kill Mothman.

I feel like that it did a thing. I for an eye. How everything should be run. Will's walking over. Now he's walking back. He's doing big frog steps to slap on the tile. He's doing big frog steps. What happens if you broke my head?

Burden Hilda was going to be the thing that stopped the powers that be. Okay, Matt, I don't want to think about that. Why happens if that's what happened? Why was if you lost us the game back? I didn't mean to do that. You lost us the game at the last minute. On the 12-yard line, he lost us the game. You hear a thunderous crack.

Like the world splitting into you. The windows explode. Dr. Dogg in the back room was like, Are you fucking getting me my windows now? Reality seems to ripple for a second of the sound of this snap. And the spear breaks into and falls to the ground. And it's just like old, like it looked brand new when you kicked it. And now it looks like it's 800 years old.

It's old and withered and seems to be almost crumbling to the touch. You see like a sort of ethereal wispiness rise and hear just the sound of joy, the sound of laughter, as this spirit with, just cackles with glee as if released from something. Oh, no. Why are you laughing, Nazi bitch? Please clip that.

And then you hear Offita say. Cool. One thing to worry about. Whatever. You broke the curse. That's amazing. You broke up with her for me.

Now she's going to be somewhere. I mean. somewhere now she's hopefully gonna be down there you know gosh if you fucking kicked doing half all right doctor dog's car is outside would you like to steal dr dog's car yes yes yes she's got to be somewhere she probably also like i'm tired of your shit right now i got to say like the whole world's that day and now you're going to complain about windows yeah no of course you should that's the least she should do we all are supposed to be helping we're trying to save the whole town doctor dog do vets have to do and you kill dogs and you take care of cats what's your deal what i don't like you

I have the keys, I found them. Let's go, let's go. Let's go. Are you asking a vet cut to do no harm? Yeah. I don't know. That's a really good question. Do the no harm? I don't, I don't say. It's not what? They do the, but they do it in an woo-woo voice. Into the, into this car. Just talk to dog is. Just take it and go. Yeah, we are. We already took it. Why are you doing that key tossing motion?

He already has your keys. Why? We'll do the key tossing motion, but Francis already conodically has the keys. Who voice is his best at driving? I don't remember. All right. You guys get the. car but there's fucking like almost no gas in it oh man i guess we'll go get gas let's go to the gas station i don't want to go to the gas station nope we did it here we are right go to the gas station you guys are up fill her up slow down it's all full service of this time

fucking podcast here you get into the fucking car but it's uncomfortable and it smells like wet dog you're trying to convince us to get out of the car no i'm just i'm just saying that you know it's just not a nice car you guys are going to project heartland yes so that was if you remember in the old creepy bunker on the edge of town yeah well there's other exits that's why i was wondering because we remember back yeah there's like maps and we knew there's the hill at the top right of the mountain and then we know also trudy's house has an entrance yes trudy's house does have an entrance yes as bbby told you the town is locked down yeah there are patrolling guys the bison's are everywhere do you guys just want to drive straight there? Are you guys going to try to be sneaky? Do you have any zan? Is there a

zany strategym you would like to employ? I've got an idea. So the bison, they worship Zuzil, correct? Uh, yes. Okay. Just for the painting of the picture, I feel like we're filling up the car with gas. Yeah. And we're all smoking like right next to all the gas. You guys, just sitting on the hood. You're siphoning gas from the fucking veterinary truck. Yeah. What if we all pretended to be the dark versions of ourselves like Kelsey was? Oh, she was dark? Like scary? Like morally, yeah.

Morally, yes. I thought she was cool. Okay. Well, you can be both at the same time. It's kind of beautiful. I love the idea. I'm not to shut it down, but do the bite, like, what? Because outside of me, I don't think anybody thinks there are other versions of us.

Oh, I can see that somebody just wants to be the special girl. I just think if we walked in, if you all walked in, just being different versions of yourself. We're evil. We're not what we are. What street is the gas station on? You guys are on, I want to say, like, J Street. I can't remember. What street was Trudy's home on?

Well, I'm trying to remember. The higher numbers were richer. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it was like... It was up to L. You guys are on like H-I-J-K-L. You guys are on H Street. It's Trudy's house.

Oh, they were right, okay. Oh, guys, just follow me and do what I do. We didn't need a car. We could walk there. And I'm super sneaky because I avoid bullies all the time. Yes, we could walk in through my basement. yeah do do do do but that's how you do it i'm creeping around like when i tiptoes like so you guys would like to stealth your way through town yes i would like to lead everyone in stealth

this is really hard to remember but i do feel like there was something that blocked the door into the basement the house blew up to be fair okay it was the last time you guys saw it was a big gaping hall because the original trudy blew herself up yeah but the basement and stuff would still be down there just in the ruckage or something yeah just really quick how much time do we have you guys probably have like 24 hours we'll say until presumably something bad's going to happen. Presumably that's the the book says... And at least the characters would know it. Yeah, because the book said everybody dies. Yes, yeah, because you got this book

that said, people will die too days. Okay, okay. And then the other question was, when the bison's are patrolling, again, this isn't correct. In my head, I'm like, they got, like, fucking tanks driving around. It's not that. Like, what are they in cars? Are they, like, walking around with guns? Like, you, I'm trying to think of what you guys would know. Like, in terms of, like, when you peek your head outside, yes, you see the occasional pickup truck with a guy driving

in four guys in hoods, like, in the back, like, in their fucking bison masks, like, driving around with like, you know, clubs and shotguns. I bet they can't see very well out of those bison masks. It is night time. And it's not tanks. It's like, yes, it's foot patrols and it's guys on mass. But there could be some other surprises you don't know.

Okay, sorry. I didn't need to, Trudey, your idea of pretending to be somebody. No, you're right. It's stupid. No, no, but in the car, maybe we can just at least put hoods on. A, where do we get hoods? B, are we doing the sneaking thing or no? All right, we're going to go sneak.

We need to sneak. You know what? Francis, taking control. Let's go ahead and we'll sneak. You're very going to sneak and just know that you're, you're carrying a few people that aren't as great at it. That's okay, I think, according to have the rolling group roles work, I think. No, I don't think you can do a group stealth role.

You guys are all trying to open a door. That's a group role. If each of you are opening four doors and one guy is really good at open a door. We're going to sneak. Francis, I'm just going to help us out in case we're a little loud. And I'm going to put something on the accelerator of Dr. Dog's car and just like send it down the street to make a distraction. Like, hopefully it's going to start crashing and making noises and stuff.

Oh, nice. And that way we can just go. So we're just going to wreck Dr. Dog's car. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. A, there's not really good roles, but B, the house rule is you just roll with the person with the worst.

It would be the worst if you were going to do anything. You're only as strong as your weakest link. Yeah, you're right. And I can't believe we didn't say that during season two. But they were strong this year because they won the Super Bowl. Thank you, Beth. Whatever direction we should be sneaking in, we can send Dr. Dog's car in the opposite direction.

And I reach into my naughty pocket and I grab some firecrackers. I stole I'm scared from kids to make some extra noise in the car. Damn, dude. So the plan is to sneak. Yes. You guys are going to stealth your way to... H Street. H Street.

Truey's house. And then you are also going to be sending this car in the other direction with firecrackers and you guys like turn it on the radio or something like that. Turn it on the radio full blast. I'm going to put the brick on the accelerator and put firecrackers in it and just send it off. Or blast in Frankie Valley. Yeah. We will do the group.

stealth roll with the weakest who has the weakest stealth role i have 20 you have 20 okay but do we get anything because of this cool thing we so we will say that if this other thing succeeds you will get advantage on your stealthy yay the peachyville grid runs pretty straight yeah so we will give you a drive auto roll whoever setting this up are you setting this up that will essentially determine whether the car goes straight through town uh like there's a possibility that the steering and alignment's so good that just leaves town because i'll say this or or or it would be even if it eventually like slowly drifts and hits the curb then it would start running along the side of the curb all right so give me the drive auto role i just have never seen that a movie imagine like they

set up the car it goes just goes straight doesn't hit anything like uh 19 and i might drive on that's why because my you guys always forget my drive auto is fucking 75 drive auto you should have been driving cars into every single problem this has happened this has happened twice before this show where we do a drive out of thing that i reveal i have 75 you go you have 75 all right which means that that is a super success okay so No, in that case, yes. Describe what you do to set this thing up. Yeah, so as you guys are getting ready to sneak and do Francis points in the direction that he's going,

I line up the car kind of along the side of the curb, so they'll go as straight as possible. And then I rip off a little piece of my sleeve and I tie the steering wheel to another part of the car. So the steering wheel is fucking locked in place. And I fucking get a brick and I put it on the accelerator. I get ready to put it on the camera. My foot's on the brake. And then I'm bringing up all the fucking firecrackers and I tie them all together. And I say, shut up.

I got used it Hey, this is a curfew, keep down Be quiet, be quiet Actually, no, take that back Make noise, but in that direction Tell all the neighbors Make as much noise as possible That guy took my brick

Radio, I turned on the radio I say, Trudy, what's station? Brick. Brick. KBRK comes on fucking rock and robins playing That's a period accurate song That I think is in the public domain

So you let the brick loose And the car No, no, no first I light the fucking fire crackers with my cigarette and then I take one deep up and then I step out and it just is a quick note for any fan artist every fan art the fact that all of us aren't

smoking the whole time that's not accurate everybody should be smoking in all the fan art as I said I take a deep drag and then I also just flick the cigarette into the car as it drives off because I don't want to have the light of the cigarette giving away our position so and I assume that the three of you are in like

a fucking like SWAT stack like with Francis up in front and I just fucking go the back probably with like and I tap. I don't even make a noise. I just tap twice on your back to let you know I'm ready to go. I'm ready to fucking walk forward. Let's do this. And as you do that, the wheels burn rubber. The car peels out in a beautifully straight

rock and robin is now blasting through the neighborhood. And then we'll just like a quick sort of like montages. This car sails through town. Fireworks shooting up. You'll see the nightgots, those greasers you squared off with in the first episode. They're in their

hot rod, like tune in it up, like rev in the engine, and then they see this thing soon as like, whoa! And then, you know, the people are peering through, like, their shuttered windows as they hunker down in fear, and it's almost like this car, it's like inspiring Peachyville to fight back a little bit. There's the classic Hyro Patrol officer hiding behind the thing, and he's just

drinking his coffee, and he's like, uh, what a slow night it is? We get one of those. He's looking at a big Playboy magazine. Oh, yeah, there's a separate cop with a radar out, and it goes too fast. So all that's going on, the Bison's who are on patrol, they dive out of its way,

and then they, like, grab their hoods and stick it back on, and they hop in the trucks and start peeling out. And the last thing he sees, we got back to you, doctor, dog, watching her fucking car, sail out the window. And then she just, like, looks a page and clips up a little thing of this book that says, enemies list. And she writes down all of your names.

And we'll get back to that later. And then she closes the book and pulls a fucking revolver out from under her desk. She's going to be like Carlita's way. We're right as we're about to win. She'll be a fair, she's had a remarkable amount of patience. Both of those patients were animals. Wow. I wish I could go back in time and give your season one character advantage.

So that's going on. And in the words of the youths today, you all are clear on Opsack. Nice. So give me, Matt, an advantaged stealth rule. So 14. 14. I got 44 and then advantage was the 10. So, yeah, that's the 10 is.

That means you did it. You did it. 10 on a D10 is zero, right? Yes. So it's zero four. So I got four. Oh, my God. Yes, I got four.

Yes, if it was two tens, it's a hundred, which is super bad. But if you're using one of the tens, it's just a one's place, it's just a ten space on, I got a four, which is even with the 20. How would you roll like a 14? I got 44. No, no, I thought it was a 14. A one. A four. And then I re-rolled a 10.

I got a 10. Okay. And then I think even with my fucking shitty, I think it's a super duper success, right? Because my stealth is 24. No, not super duper success. Super success. It's super success. Great role regardless.

Yes. You slip through the night, through town, as you skulk through. again, like you're getting an interesting little tablo of town and you see all sorts of fucking crazy shit out here. Again, there's guys in masks, patrolling. You see, like, a couple of them have these, like, weird. They've clearly let some nasty beasts out. Like, they had some yucky guys.

Some real yucky guys. Some, like, old fucked up monsters are patrolling and sniffing around. You see a hound of Tinaldos. Google it. Does it drive us mad? No, it doesn't drive. You guys are pretty, you guys are. He can't be that fucking intimidating if he's working for the cops.

Like, also, if the first word of it is a hound, it can't be that weird because, like, it's a dog. It looks enough like a hound day. Oh, look, fuck that dog. As you're skulking by, you see Brian strikes Mitchell on a little throne being carried by. He's got skeletons, dude.

He got like a whole bunch of skeletons fucking carrying him around. Kelsey's shoulder, and I say, Kelsey, you'll get blood, but not today. I know, I'm about to, like, jump out. He's flipping through his fleshy book, the epidermicon, and just sort of chuckling to himself.

You see a paddy wagon and you see Shane Jr. being dragged, kicking and screaming into this paddy wagon and thrown in the back. You'll get blood, but not today. I already got blood. As they open the doors to the back of the paddy wagon, everybody gave me a spot-head and roll.

Walked into the wrong room for one-fifth of us. I failed miserably. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed miserably. It's up to you, Blake. 10.

Great. Dang. 10. All right. Super success. Blake, I'm going to DM you what you see. And you tell me if you want to tell the rest of the group. Freddie, like, I'm going to be really.

upset if you don't want to tell us. It's no fun if you don't tell us. It's no fun. Kelsey, I believe Milton is getting his Miranda rights red to him. He's getting locked up over there. When the door swings open and Shane Jr. is thrown in, among the many people packed into the back of this paddy wagon,

you see a very scared-looking Milton who does have no idea what's going on. And then the door swings shut. Who's driving the paddy wagon? Guy in a fucking hood, dude. How many people are at the paddy wagon? Maybe the picture of this batty wagon. There are two dudes driving it, and there's probably like six, seven guys in the back, and then, oh, you know.

Six seven bad guys in the back? No, six seven people. People in the back. And then we'll say that there's four more, because they got their like goon-hollen squad, right? So then there's four more guys. There's four more goons. Brothers, tonight we goon than goon-halla. Let's head on down to the goon-haller, see if we can't find something near the crib.

There's four more guys. On Goon-Hala, we all have Applevision pros. A series set timer one minute. Freddy got one minute to do more goon jokes if you'd like to. I hear if you die while gooning, you resurrecting Goonhalla alongside all of your other

fellow gooners. If somebody jerks you off and you don't go to Goonhalla because you do not achieve the honor and victory with what you deserve. You sit at the top of the table with the little titty mouse pads. You know the ones? The anime Tiddy mouse pads? In Goonhalla, we all have those.

Anyway, okay, I'm good. Freddy, you know what? There's no one in Goodhall, you know why? Because nobody can come. Nice. There's two guys in the front, and then there's four dudes, two on either side, on that little fucking cool running board thing along the side. Oh, so there's like, old-timey cars have.

So there's like six guys overall. Yeah, there's like, you know, cars used to have a step ladder on the side that you could stand on. And they got guns, and they got guns. They've got, we'll say clubs, you know, but you can't see what the guy's in the front are. It's like, I'm going to gesture like, I don't know what you're going to do you, what you're going to do you ban on? What? Should we, Milton?

How many people are in it? Seven or eight people. Oh, fuck, yeah. That's a lot of people. You want to go save them? Yeah. It's like a little army. Oh, right.

Dude, I thought you didn't want to because you're yelling at me before and check it out. Yeah, because we were just sitting around gooning. We couldn't fucking kick it ass. Wait, that's two people. Yeah. That's only one more person than we usually beat ass with.

Okay. All right. What we do is we lure them out one by one into the darkness. I will say, just to be a friendly DM, y'all got spells. Yeah. So remember what spells? Well, I'm pretty sure none of these cops love me, so I can't switch bodies with them.

I have words of power, though. I can convince them of something. I think that's a good move. I can change physical form into anything. Dude, change into a fucking guy. Be their boss. I can only take on the form of what they know, though. And then, yes, you have mental suggestion.

And another one, but I'm not using that one right now. That's right. And you have your secret spell. And do we have any weapons? We said last episode that Trudy has her gun, even though she's shown in. So we'll say that Trudy has her gun. But I don't remember you guys taking anything from Dr. dog. So no, you guys are otherwise rolling

out. And you don't have Brunhilda anymore. Tragedy. It's true. What are we doing? Just going swat on this? I'll cast mental suggestion. Are you going to distract them or we're going to kill them? What's the platter? Beat the buff? I would like to kill them. Oh, okay. I just don't have a spell for that. No, but you have a gun, but you can use. You do have a gun for that. Oh, I do have a gun for that. If you want to track a lot more people, really.

We can trick them in to say we can pretend that Francis is another kid that we're capturing. Yeah. Be like, hey, open up the back, load them up. Help us load them up. And then when they pick a Francis, shoot them one by point, boom, boom, boom, execution style fucking everybody that grabs them and then me and Blake we'll go to the other side of the car we'll be sneaky we'll go to the other side of the car and we'll just be it ass and then when you guys are done shooting we probably won't have killed that we just been beating ass you can come and finish them I do want to remind you guys the guys the last time we were beating ass it was on like a bunch of zombofied passive

Russian scientists yeah but we're gonna zombieify them with our spells is what we're talking with our gun you guys are in the bushes you're looking at the back of the squad car two guys on the left two guys that they'll right two guys in the front doors have just closed Frey, what's the spell you can turn into something? I can turn into like anybody. Anybody you can turn into Brian Strokes Mitchell. You just saw Brian Strokes, man. I did just see him.

He's clearly famous and popular. Yeah, yeah. I will turn into Brian Strokes Mitchell. Tell them all to line up with their heads all in a straight line. In your uniform. Okay, I will be Brian Storke's Mitchell for a D6 roll plus four for six minutes. That's enough time to kill six people. Freddie, remind me how the spell works?

What does it say? I have to roll 1D6 plus four for how many minutes. I lose 2D6 Sandy. Ah, I rolled six. snake guy, so I only lose two sanity and one point of POW each time this is cast. So, so POW, 84 dog, and two points of sanity, which takes me down 64. And now I assume the physical form of Brian Strokes Mitchell. How many magic points does this cause? Six magic points. So you're like, that's probably your whole thing, right? No, I have 17 magic points. What? It's derived from

your POW. Oh, that makes sense. I have six magic points. Okay. So you assume his form. Yes. Okay. Nice. We're going to say you guys had enough time to just come up. with the stupid plan. So what is your stupid plan? I am going to rush to the driver's side once this all starts going down because I'm going to stop the car from. I'm playing the part of Chewbacca being dragged towards the fucking cops by two fake. No, you're too sneaky. I don't even think with Brian Stokes Mitchell, we don't need to pretend you or anything. He can just ask them to line up. I was saying, you're sneaky. You should go to the driver side and I'm just going to bum rush the freaking passenger side so that

when the driver's side looks over at me and like I start pounding because I got, I got, you pull, yeah, you open the door and you fucking. pull out the driver's side. Consider the following move that I could pull, which is attention and have everyone line up, including the drivers and stuff. Yeah, and then I'll just reload my gun. Yeah, you reload your gun. And then me and Francis will

just dive on any survivors. Yeah. Just shoot the median guy, which will probably get at least half of them. So I want to walk up and I want to go, attention, attention. I will say the spell doesn't say you can impersonate his voice, right? But I think I know what... Since the voice comes,

excuse me, voice is entirely derived. This is what's tired derived from the fucking physical. Sure, but you're not, he doesn't, he hasn't gotten a look at his vocal cords. He's changing his face to look like the other guy's face. It changes my physical form to any shape or appearance. Do you know how to shape your vocal

chords to look like Brian strikes Mitchell's vocal cords? I don't even know how to shape my face to look like Brian. Dude, I'm changing my physical form. Just act confident and just cough beforehand. I feel like one of you showed up and like Will was like, hey, well, wait, wait, what? But I would at least have a second to be able to do it. I'm just saying it's not going to be bulletproof. I'm gonna come out and say,

Neither will these cops. Attention! We are all waiting on the wings. We're behind a bush. We're one move at a time. We're gonna see what happens with them talking to Brian Stokes Mitchell. Line up, attention!

So yes, everybody looks up. That's a dragon war from superior. Can you ask them to line up more so that they're facing? Sorry. Don't worry, Trudy. Okay. One step at the time. Okay, yes.

You young, you, dumb, and you, full of calm. Get over here. If you got them to get on their hands and knees, you can make all their heads and knees. line up regardless of height. What is everybody else doing? We're not doing anything at the same time. We're going to see what this happens. All right. Everybody looks up at you. Attention. Fall in. Here's what I will say. This is not going to cost you a role. You get to say it to them that you're their boss. They know you're around. We'll say the longer you push it, we're going to have to start doing

rolls. But I think for one, you get like a, oh shit. And two of them are in the car. Oh, yes, two of them are getting a good look. So they are not going to roll. So the four guys on the side are going to roll. I'm going to give them each an intelligence role. They're all going to buy that you're saying this, but everyone that passes their intelligence role is going to start to become more and more suspicious. Okay, okay. So we're going to start with a one. Four guys turn

to you. The two guys in front, buy it immediately. They're like, whoa, what? Huh? They're just kind of startled to see you. The two guys behind them see you, but you can tell from their body language that they're more confused than they are like, oh shit, it's Brian, we got a fucking snapkin. So two of them have a level one

suspicion. I go, you two, drop it Give me 20. If any of them hit a three suspicion, they're going to be on to you. Okay. I would like to be using this time to like aim because I think that's a mechanic. Oh, you're going to take an aimed shot with your, uh, okay, great. Where are you aiming from? You're just directly behind.

I'm from the bushes. Yeah, and the idea is that they're going to line up, right? Yeah. Oh, because they all fall into a line because you say fall in. Yeah. And then two of them are confused. Trudy's lining up a shot. They're all facing Blake's.

You're probably over Blake's shoulder from the bushes. Yeah. So Blake, you will need to dive out of the way or she's going to have a chance to Oh, I have a really good way to get them in the right line of sight for it. Okay. And look at all of them. So before you say this, if you say another command, they're going to do another role. That's fine.

That's fine. So yes, they all line up. They salute with the one in the front says, sir, is everything all right, sir? And I squint at him as Brian Stokes Mitchell. And I look up at his uniform, his dress, right? They're in robes. Robs, right? And I pick a piece of lint off the robe.

I'm like, what is going on with your battle dress uniform? Drop and give me 20, all of you! Okay. Now, give me a persuade role. This is an advantaged person. swayed roll. Okay, 23. Okay. What's your score? Which gives me in range. I will blow two luck to go down to 10 luck and pass. All right. That means they're going to do a normal intelligence role instead of an advantage intelligence role for them clocking what this is going on.

The two in the front, or the two in the back, rather, the ones who were getting suspicious rolled extremely loud. One got a 17, one got a one got a one. And then the two in the front, they flubbed their roll. So they hop to and start doing pushups right away. But The other two are still standing. I'm going to essentially do the equivalent of pushing. Why aren't you on the ground? Why aren't you on the ground doing pushups? You're going to push your roll?

Or I guess I'm just doing another command on them. Give me the roll. But this is an advantage, right? Because it's my third command to them. This is advantage, but again, if you... Aha, yes! What'd you get? Two, bitch!

It only took 14 rolls. Two, super duper success. Okay, one of them failed his roll and drops down. But the last one, he narrows his eyes and looks at you. And he squints and he cocks his ear. And it's something in your voice as you say that. He looks at you and goes, where are your skeletons, sir? Right as he opens his mouth, I'm fucking taking fire on the three on the ground.

Okay. I swear to God, Trudy. Trudy's gun is going to be like a starter pistol for this fucking race to beat the other dude's ass. Like I'm sprinting at the standing up dude. How many shots do you have in that gun, Beth? A lot enough. A lot enough. I reloaded right before we.

She's like Tom Cruise. Mission of Possible three. Yep. All right. Give me a firearms or whatever your skill you have for firearms and give me

it with a bonus dice. Okay, dokey. I got a 23, so that is a success. Okay. And you're aiming at the ground because these guys are on the ground. I'm aiming at the three

on the ground, yeah. Okay, or rather you're timing it as they push their heads up so that their head gets in like gunshot range right when they're at the top they're push up? Yep.

That'll do it. And you're like perpendicular to them because you're trying to line them up. Is that the... I'm trying to line them up, yeah, like... Okay, so... And I go to the guy and go, it looks like I have three fresh skeletons right here.

That rules. That actually rules. Let's roll for damage, first of all. I guess, this is per target. So we would roll for damage on each target, right? Probably. Yeah. And then it's also passing through three.

Okay. This is a sniper elite ass slow down. First of all, I need to see something. There you go. You call that. Your form is terrible. He's plank. I'm just kidding.

It's good. Will's bringing back planking, dude. Yeah. No, it's coming from the side. Also, the guys. It's not coming from the side. It is. Yeah.

Because we're trying to hit all three at once. Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Perpendicular. Yeah. I see. Temple to temple, dog.

Call the Mormons. Yeah. So it's three just the heads. It's not going through their whole bodies. No, just the head. I feel like, bro, that'd be crazy. I'm not shooting them human centipede style.

I'm shooting them three-headed dog style. I see. Remember wanting when the ball goes through all the heads? Oh, yeah. That's the coolest part and wanted. And it kills Angelina jelly and you're like, all right, she really did believe in this. Yep.

This is a pretty beefy gun. This is the Desert Eagle. It's a Eagle? Yeah. It's just going through. So yes. I've seen some Counterstrike replays that suggest you could wipe the whole team with this. I mean, it's not a Desert Eagle because there wasn't a Desert Eagle yet, but that's the stat block we're using.

So this is a very beefy gun. And you're at short range. So yes, we will say it can pass through all three heads. Beth, you get the joy of rolling the dice for these kids. Nice. All right. First guy. 1D10.

10. 10. Plus a 1D6 plus 3. 6? 6. No. That's the first guy? to get this fucking got away out.

His entire body. So the first head pops like a water balloon. Love it. Second guy. Second guy. 9 plus 1d6. 1. 10 plus 3.

13. Okay. So his head also pops like a water balloon. Third guy. 5. Okay. 6. Plus 3 of 14.

All right. So three straight kills and now roll it and divide it in half. It's going to hit the 4th. guy in the leg. Okay. The one that you're talking to, Freddy. Seven plus two. Nine plus three.

Plus three. So six damage. Yes. It basically blows out the other guy's ankle and he drops to one leg, Freddie. I go, did I tell you to Neil? You'll start your surprise round. Okay. Now, do I flinch at these gunshots because I'm scaled.

Oh, yes, you do. Yes. I love that. Yes. Give me a sanity roll, Blake. A scale would wall. Oh, no. God, if I played an woo-woo character in last season, bro,

74 out of 64, I failed my Sandy roll. Okay, so you, for the rest of this combat, have disadvantage on your actions. Got it, okay. Or you have a penalty dice on your actions. In terms of dexterity, you go first, Blake. On a surprise role, we can essentially hold each other's... Yeah, we can do an order.

You can do it in order. And then we'll go in an extra order. So what do you guys want to do? So I just want to slide my knife under his chin into his brain. So I say that I can do you. I want to slide my knife into his chin into his brain. Okay. Give me a...

Slowly! Yeah, we got it. Give me an attack roll. I'm going to grab the back of his head and like hold onto his hair and then slide the... And just like insert that knife. Just so smooth.

Yeah. Just... Sorry, what am I rolling? You got to attack him. Give me an attack roll. I'm just into his ear. Just keep going. You're not listening to me.

That is a 12... Like in the speed. Out of, uh, what is that? Screwdriver. Dexterity, I assume, for a knife move. It's a fighting brawl roll. Yeah, 12. Super.

Dupor success. Super duper success. Even with disadvantage. Oh, sorry. Oh, that's right. You're right. I'm sorry. Yes.

Thank you, Ben. Thank you. Boo. Boo, Beth. I mean, we don't have any worry about this. Incredible failure. I mean, the guy's rolling around too much for you to do that easily.

He's screaming. You whip completely. He is going to fight back as you do that. He falls down, right? His ankle exploded. He drops to one leg. He's going to have a disadvantaged fight back because he's wounded. We'll say.

Actually, no, we'll call that a major wound. And we'll give him a dice roll. to hold off from passing out. And he passes out. No, he actually rolled great. He does not pass out. So he's going to fucking retaliate with his own knife, Freddie.

What the fuck? And he's going to do a fucking fighting brawl roll. This guy's hard, dude. He got a 93. So just two men fail to stab each other because he's flailing and you're scared. And so you both manage to whiff at each other. Two men fail to stab each other.

It's like the first four acts of Hamlet are, right? Wow. Who's what's going on next? Who's next? During all this, were you sneaking around to the driver side? yeah Francis yeah I assume that when you did your thing I was going to basically rear naked choke the other guy so I'm charging the passenger side so that they'll both turn to look at me and then Francis is going to open the driver's selfily approaching ever since because I am like a snake in that

I can slither easily because I don't have two legs give me your stealth roll Francis we'll say this is an extra because you're now trying to get up to the door of the car yeah right so I passed okay you want another one just for fun I'm super jimper bat that one while Trudy was aiming I would have been we're hiding behind some bush in a yard or whatever you're waiting for For the starter's pistol. This front yard, you know, fucking rocks on the ground. They got a garden gnome. Just anything hard.

I'll say there's a garden gnome. Yeah, yeah. I grab the fucking, you know, porcelain or ceramic, whatever garden gnome. And I'm going to run at the passenger side door. And I'm going to throw the garden gnome as hard as I can. Through the window? Yeah. Give me a throw roll.

Can I smash the window with the garden gnome? Uh, you could have if you had said you wanted to smash the window instead of throwing. I was going really close to it. I fail. Okay. So I'm screaming. I go, ah! And I throw the,

those garden gnome. Okay. And it explodes, but the window's fine. Basically, these guys here are gunshot. They look back and then they look up and see a garden gnome flying in front of the windshield and they're confused. And then you are now at the door of the car. I can definitely see the garden gnome missing. So I'm screaming, but I'm obviously, I don't know what they have in there. I'm not putting my head, you know, in gunshot range right at the side of the door or whatever. But you were screaming when you rain up, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm screaming. Yeah. So they would look at me, hopefully. All right. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, they see the garden and then they're going to track the arc and now they're both looking at you, you go, uh, um, Francis.

Francis, it is, it is now your time. That's your signal. As we plan, the garnum crosses over the car telling you it's time to go. Great. Is the driver's side window down or up? We'll say it's down. We'll say it's down. Okay. Well, then I reach it and I rear naked choke this asshole and try to pull them out. Okay, give me a fighting brawl roll. Uh, that is a two. Oh, shit. Oh, it's a super duper success. Okay. And I go, Blake taught me this one. Uh, he's going to try to fight back. He also got a super duper success. Which means tie goes to me. That's true. You know what we do?

We do the fucking Matrix Reloaded Fight scene in the car with the fucking seatbelt. Yeah. But I win and I pull him out. So you're trying to choke him out. Yeah, I'm basically trying to grab him by the neck and while choking him out,

yank him out of the driver's seat of the car so he can't speed away. So right now you're grabbing him and you're trying to pull him out. Yeah. So what I do is I pop up. I put my arm around him. My arms around him. Do the career naked choke.

And then with my remaining leg, I jump up and plant it against the side of the car and then push as hard as I can to like fucking drag his ass out with me. With your role, you've got your arm around him. You successfully grappled him. I think to pull him out, we'll call that a strength check. Okay.

So we're going to do an opposed strength role to do that. My strength is 45, and I got to 30. So that's a regular success. Reggie success. Okay, he got a regular success as well. So you are able to yank him out of the car, and you fud onto the ground, and he sees this horrified tableau of his one friend bloodied and clutching his leg and his other three friends dead on the ground.

You better be happy that I don't sin anymore, because this would be you otherwise. I guess this doesn't count as this thing because this is the righteous, this is the righteous action of the just. And save a bunch of innocent children or whoever are in the car. That's true.

All right. So that is the end of the surprise round. Everybody is gone. So now we'll go dexterity order, which if I recall correctly is Blake, you have like a 75 decks, right? Wait, when I shot those people, that was my turn in the surprise room.

Yes. Yeah, you started the surprise. You surprised everybody. I was the titular surprise, if you will. That was the titular surprise. surprise that was the surprise who gave everything yeah i threw a gnome you killed three people i think you did pretty good bet thank yeah on average we did a great job as a team we're back at the top of the turn under blake it's your turn now i'm gonna turn my knife around in a stabby thing now that he's only

go uh one more time you're gonna stab him i'm gonna try and stab him again okay give me a willpower roll what give me a will give me a will power roll why because you're scared of guns forget it never mind i was gonna be something that'll help you but forget it to overcome it no it's fine I got 36 on disadvantaged roll. That is a regular success. We'll call this a stiletto. Love it. Roll me in 1D4 plus 2.

Now, I remember for my knife, actually, I have a 1D4 plus 2 plus my damage bonus. Dang, dude. So that's actually 1D4, 3 plus 2, 5 plus my damage bonus. Another 1D4, 6 damage. 6 damage. Okay. And he has...

He already had 6. He already had 6 damage. He is not looking fucking good. Your knife finds purchase straight in the middle of his chest and slides like right past his sternum basically like you punch her a lung he is barely hanging on to life that's another major wound for him didn't one of those guys die from 11 hit points of damage this guy's a little strong this guy's made it something stronger they didn't um

this was 11 and then plus 3 so 14 this guy's close you hear a pop as his lung pops and he gasps and then he just passes out if he was a Pokemon now is the time to throw the ball nice so he is collapsed on the ground there are two guys left it is now their turn so their dexteries better than 60 damn dexterous cops that's why they were hired we'll start with the one being grappled who is going to do a fighting brawl role to try to break free he got an 84 so he fails his role so he struggles and kicks and he basically tries to punch you in the head francis but he flops his role do you want to fight back i mean if he's using one hand i guess no we're using we'll

say that go ahead and give me your i would just be squeezing harder you're squeezing all right so yes then we'll go ahead and since he failed his role we'll give him a constitution, shaving throw. That's your turn, essentially. You're squeezing it. Yes, I'm going to squeeze harder. Okay, so yes, we will say that he is still holding on despite, he's like thrashed and and flailing his arms, but his lights aren't out yet. I don't have to roll a thing. Oh, um, because I roll real good. If you want to do another role to like squeeze him more, if you want to do a strength roll. Cool. I got a super suit of his success. I got a two. You got two? Yeah. Okay. Oh, in that case, we will give him a disadvantaged constitution to see if he doesn't pass out. And he does,

in fact pass. He rolled an 11, but then he got 65 out of 60 on his next one. So he, his hand falls limp on your head and you see him pass out. There's one guy left. Kelsey, it's better up. What do you do? He's in the passenger seat. Passinger seat guys. Now is the, Anthony asked a good question. Oh, he hasn't gone yet, actually. Passenger seat guy hasn't gone yet. He goes for the radio. There's a CB radio in the car and he scrambles for it and grabs it and tells, we're under attack. One, two, three, eight street. We're under attacks and help. Kelsey is just going to fucking. Like a good boxers, sock him in the back of the head. Like a good boxer.

And that's how you win? Head punches there. All right. Before the rules. I like this. When did rules start in boxing? When did rules start in boxing? When did rules start in boxing war?

Like, I think now we're good. I mean, was Kane and Abel the first boxing match? And there were no rules in that one because he got on a rock, right? Kane and able, that's on Netflix, right? They hit each other with rocks. That's awesome. Dude, he hit him with a knolls bar. No cage either, dude.

Dude, they didn't come up with those yet. As the cane do is able, you punch him in the back of the head. All right, give me a fighting brawl. He's going to try to dodge this so he can continue to use his little radio. My brawl is 60 because I'm a fucking fighter and I got 27, which is a super success. Okay, he's going to try to dodge and he fumbled. He did grow up bad. He got a 90-7.

What the fuck was that? I would have been for five years. I'm going to be for five years. I think Matt was doing the yeah from game over yeah yeah I'm just saying God brought the back of that dude yeah so yeah you just give him the old fucking what is Kel's like you just knock him the fuck out with a fumble and you punched him in the back of the head otherwise it'd be four damage but I don't know if you fought yes I think it's a hobby horse of mine I think media needs to be more realistic about its depiction about what happens when someone gets hurt really hard in the head

I'm saying that for a year yeah so he's dead I feel like a lot of lot of kids out there out there fucking probably punching each other in the head not realizing they can kill someone. Somebody's knocked out

and they're gone for more than like 10 seconds. It's a TVI. There's also like a 98% chance they won't come back up again.

Like people don't get knocked out for a long time usually. So regardless, you knock this guy out. You just fucking wallop him and you hit him right in that spot.

What does Kelsey have like a name for this move? Like a fun alpha omega move. It's called second degree man slaughter. He just goes slack and slumps over. It's like a real fade down the way Chinatown when his head hits the...

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Not even a million-dollar baby. I think he's really hurt. I keep going. I keep going. Nobody's never pulled me off.

I keep going. I switch. Please. Put this up to fucking first degree. He's had enough, Ron. He's had enough. I believe that's everybody. I do move his head off the horn, though, just so that, you know.

It has stunningly swift act of horrifying violence that you've managed to mow your way through six guys. I think the guy Freddie stabbed is still a little. like collapsing on the ground with a punctured lung. We start finishing him off. What, like it's hard? Not finishing him off. What would you guys

like to do now? Open world, triple A. Finish that guy up. So he's dead? Is he dead? They're unconscious. You've knocked out. Everyone is a three guys are dead on the ground.

Are they permanently unconscious, Will? I forget what we were going to do before. We're just going to rescue the kids. Oh, yeah. Yes. Let's do that. All right. So you run around to the back and open it up the doors.

It's like you're putting one in the head, right? Like while we can rescue the kids, you're just quietly going, quietly shooting them in the face. Well, no, because I hate guns, remember. What you are doing while you guys are going. You say you're going to do it. Well, you know how this is an image from my youth that I think about a lot, which is like, I remember when I was playing soccer. I remember when I was playing soccer and it was like, here's how you shoot it, which is like you got to run up and you got to plant your left foot next to the ball and you swing through,

with your right foot. Mm-hmm. Right. You just do that at each head? Well, just making sure. Yeah, okay, good. There's some free kicks. Free kicks, as they call it.

That's always what they mean. He goes, while we get the kids, free kicks. Blake, you want to strike with your laces, not your toes. I'm finding the steel toe boots does a better job of making these skulls into mincemeat. So while Blake is out there getting his kicks in, you open the doors, and inside you see. 7, 8, peachy people, peachles, peachles, peachles. Peach pulls. I like peaches.

Peach pulls. It sounds like if you wanted a lunchable, but you only liked fruit. Peachples, peachibles. Peachy. Okay, so yes, you see some stovers, peaches. The sacred people. You see people. You see your fellow citizens, your fellow denizens of this town.

Yes. They're panicked, mostly other than Shane, who was just thrown in here. They are bound and gagged. A lot of them are in these rules. Why is Shane not bound? They just put them in. Oh, that's right. That's right.

That's right. They clearly were like about to do that, you know, when you guys did your little move. People are all. shivering and panicked, they're looking around. They're like a lot of muffled screaming. And you notice that they've got all these like runes and shit painted on their face. It's kind of like if you remember the boxer Dakota Johnson that you fought had all of these runes over his body.

I'm wiping those ruins off instantly. It's like they're made of. It's like ink. It's just, you know, like my thumb and start wiping that shit all those. They're just spitting everywhere. We're guys hot to on these rules. So yes, you see Milton at the back. Kelsey, the second he sees you, he starts to cry.

Oh, Milton. It's okay. We're here. We're here. Let me unaggag you. Oh, Kelsey, I was so scared. I was so scared, Kelsey, thank God you're here. We're here. We're here.

It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. And he's so scared. I was so scared. I was so scared. Me and Bebe, we're so scared. And as he says that, outside, Freddie, while you are busy, thwhacking skulls, you hear like a... Please. Please. Ah, quiet child. I wish I hid into this. I don't actually believe in the cult. And... Kick my skull.

I dare you. Who is it? You won't. Back and down. Very well. You'll take one more shot. Fucking do it. As one, I will do a 360

and jump on his head with both feet. As you're Goomba-stopping these heads, you hear, as we just heard earlier, there's a CB radio in this truck. You hear like one of those like, like, whee-w-w-h-w-ch-w-ch-o-d-d-. I-yes, one of those.

That's what I'm doing at the back of the truck, getting these runes off. And then you hear the voice of Britannica Blue over the radio giving, like, I feel like you guys maybe had like some code names for each other in case you had to, but she's like, Condor 1 to Condor 2. Come in. Condor 1 to Condor 2. Come in. Condor 2 checking in. Mr. L. Condor 2. Condor 1 has made contact at Milton's house. Sorry, I mean at Weird Boy's house. No sign of Weird Boy. We're proceeding on foot from here. Over. Affirmative Condor 1, Condor 2 receives. Please be advised. have found a truck full of people and ruins. Was weird boy with them over? Affirmative

Weird boy is in the package. Okay, that's great. Give us your location. Coming to you. Wait, wait. Who are you talking to? I'm talking to Britannica. As he's doing that as we go back inside when Milton says, oh, Bebe and I were so scared, we were so scared. As that's happening, Francis, let's say, as you are going around, taking hoods off

people and spitting on your hand and wiping runes off, you pull down a hood and you see the face of a bound and gag. tagged Britannica Blue, and she looks absolutely terrified. Shooter. If you're here, if you're here, if you're here, and she's over there, who's driving the car? Mother, mother, fear me. I am the broken sky.

All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary. In a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone. All that I can see is a hole in the star. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. But I'll stay today. Thanks so much for listening. Those of you tuned into the wares and what fours

of the D&D podcast in the Man of Universe may have heard whispers of something. Oh, Maddie Mercer said about us. And now we can confirm that we're going to be dropping a one shot for Daggerhart. Upon this very feed, and Anthony returns as our DM. Good warm up for it for season four, you know, trying out some other system. The Matt Mercer system. Tell you what, ran into Mercer at the Massey Yoshitak and Naka concert here in L.A.

Who's that? You don't know? I said, Natty, Maddie, baby. Tell me about that dagger, are you looking to put her on her feet? You want to run that dog raw, then you got hit up me and the daddy's green. crude daddy-o. We'll stress test your precious system within inch of its life. You think it's ready for prime time? Toss us the keys. We'll take it on a spinner on the track and we'll let you know if it's ready. Capiche. The rest, as they say, is history. We got Patreon. Support us

there, please. On our last Peach Pit, and that's a season three after show. Beth and Will came back. Beth from Edinburgh, Will from his new kid. The energy was insane. Listen. Matt was trying to give me to fucking skim off the top of our supply so he can make breast milk ice cream. That was the conversation you missed right before this. Freddie and I, together, as just artists who have no ballot, who are constantly pushing the envelope on every frontier at all time. This sounds like the notes app apology about like a reamble to a long sorry, not sorry from someone who's something wrong.

Floated an idea out there, which is just we wonder what ice cream would taste like with breast milk. It's always said, which is a fair, I mean, I wonder about goat milk. That's not weird? I saw goat milk in the groceries. I said, I wonder if that ice cream would taste. stay with goat milk instead of cow milk. You calling it milk is so much funnier when you're talking about

breast milk. That's milk. No, that's right. Ooh, get your pens of papers, ready and write this down, dog, patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. That's where you'll find reams of shows, ready to entertain the hell out of you. Capish. Dungeons and Deges is Matt Arnold, it's Kelsey,

grammar, Anthony Burgess, Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth Man, Trudy Trout, and myself Freddy Wong is Blake Lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Maxon Waller. Oh, Maxon's soundtrack for our movie. We're all God Dice and on Spotify now. It just hit this last week. Anisa Omeran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolese, our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther else is our lead editor and Travis Reeves, Omar Romolino and Brian

Fernandez provide additional editing. This show is supported by people on our Patreon. People with names like Tom Huggle, Andrew, Renee Burke, Jacob Donnelly, Caleb Werber, Jesse Wills, Bookworm, Bussick, Brittany Walters, Zachary Owen, Adam Reikens, Elia Christensenson, Lena Kukska, Eli Laverius, Jenny and Jackson, J.D. Gladding, SponguSend, TurboFox, Ben Hassel, and Rob Grave. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Merchammore at Dudges and Days.com. That next episode, September 23rd. We will see you then.

All that I can see is a hole in the star. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. stay today All that I can see is upon the stars swallowing my dreams and making them scars

too far, too far away that I stay today Why do you have a Berenstom Bears book up there? It's the best one. Junk food? That's the one with all the really... I got it for Freddy for Christmas

a couple of things. That one. That's like the fucking one. It's a good one. Don't worry, dudes. I still gooned to that one. I'm about to make a Barron Stain. Yeah, Barron Stain.

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