Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 38 - One Minute to Zhouzel (Finale Pt. 1)

Episode Date: November 18, 2025

The Gutteral Screams band together for one last plan...This episode contains Profanity, Violence, Sexual Content, Drug/Alcohol Use. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold Francis Farnsworth is Anthony BurchTrudy Trout is Beth May Blake Lively is Freddie Wong Theme song is “A Hole in the Stars” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves, Omar Romolino, and Brian Fernandes provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, our crowd fund for Matt and My Next Feature Film, Nailhouse, is ending this Friday, which means this is the final ad you will hear. Nailhouse.com, we have tons of backer exclusive Blu-rays and merch, our own branded MSG for all you D&D heads, an inclusion dice set with a little dumpling inside, the D20 that we're making with fan roll and more Patreon supporters, by the way, get a discount on the dice.

As we've been saying, if you have interest in this project and you think you might want to watch it later, pre-ordering it now through our crowd fund lets us put your dollar directly into the project and up onto the screen nailhouse dot film or check the links in the description thank you dungeons and daddies is a rowdy horny violent podcast for grownups content warnings can be found in the episode description top of the space, venous in the sky. A bowling team and rolling out one doctor basket ate.

She'll be based. Above a ridge they crests their end. Their eyes were with dismay. Four down below them in the town of Peachyville they saw. A herd of bison cry now. In summoning a god Shoes will be praised Shoes will come forth

thought the space mean it's in the sky The bison's avicultists who would pay an awful price Zoos will be praised To fly to greater evil Their whole town that sacrifice They'd win the night By zoosos might

But Peachyville would die Unless those boulders rolling out Could get a lucky strike Zuz will be praised Cheers will come for Top the space, penis in the sky. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is the Peachieville Horror.

A Calla Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast, about four everyday schmose fighting the forces of darkness. Oh no. That's the bad. On the day before Halloween. In suburban 1950s, America. Oh, my God. This is like, we have our spooky seasons. We ended right before Halloween.

Yes. When you listen to this, though, it would be right before Thanksgiving. It's even scary. If you know about history. Thanksgiving is even scary than Halloween. Nothing's scarier than manifest jestity. My name is Freddie Wong. I play deep thinking plumber Blake Lively.

What may be the final Blake Lively fact. Blake Lively, if he survives this, and if he manages to make it all the way into the 21st century, would have been huge fan of Avatar. James Cameron's Avatar. Would have looked at that and he would have had, remember that time he was half a horse guy? Have a horse guy. I would have been like, that's Natey.

She's got it going on. Ah, yes, that's what that feels like. I would have sex with her. I feel like he'd say would, but then not know that that's where you're supposed to stop. Oh, yes. Hey, everybody. My name's Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammar.

Beachyville's happiest and happy at school marm. And you know what she always says. What? If the only thing you learn from school is how to make friends, then it's worth going to school. I don't know. That's true. It's the most important thing.

I mean, yeah, that's the only stuff I took away. I'm sorry that you know the basic ability to read right. Well, apparently kids can't read right anymore. Usually Kelsey drops a second little part of the aphorism. No, I thought it would be some jab at homeschooling and other stuff. But no, it's positive. Just a nice little friends me waited along the way. You know, she might die this episode.

You know, the two things you need to learn in this life are how to love others and how to love yourself. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do one. I'll do one. One. Love myself.

Fuck everyone. I'll do the other one. Who guys would be a great couple. And little fact about Kelsey is that her favorite. is that her favorite thing in the world is teaching. That's it. I need to have a gimmick next season.

I'm going to figure that out. As opposed to what, just saying what future movies your person might like? No, we can't turn on each other it's the last episode. We're on the same team here.

Freddie Wood have a gimmick. Undue confidence that this is going to be the last episode. My gimmick this season wasn't easier. I had to come up with two things every episode. So much work, two things. I know.

I was over here doing fucking computer puns. I like the challenge. No, I just come up with random shit. No, I think two things is harder than computer puns. At this point, I'm literally Googling computer words. Computer word.

I feel like Google should be like, you don't get to do this anymore. It just shuts down for you. Computer and robot words. I mean, Anthony Birch, I play for Hanssworth. A quasi-orphan, unless you count a dad that's made of, like, skin as a still a dad. Wait, most dads are. That's kind of the default, actually. Given the plan for saving the world, I thought it was worth bringing up that

that Francis's favorite short story, hills like White El. He doesn't know what it's about. He just really likes the way to describe the hills. Hi, my name's Beth May. And I play Trudy Trout, a homemaker, mother of one beautiful child, and a robot. Fun, maybe final fact about Trudy is that, yeah, there's a good chance. She might not make it out of this. And if that's the case, she wants to be.

buried in a mausoleum. She's all about that encryption. That was good. One last time. One last time. You're not just doing puns. You're doing the harder thing, which is doing a pun that everyone knows is coming, and they know the genre of the pun.

And it's still surprising. It's like the World Series and the batter. It's like his last app bat and he just rips a dinger out, dude. He just fucking puts in the... Like Friday Fremantle the other night? Yeah, there you go. Good for him. And we're still probably going to lose the World Series, but that's okay.

Freddie Fremantle's the name of a real person? Yes. That's amazing. Oh, I am wrong. It's Freddie Freeman. Yeah, that's a much more normal name. Okay. Hello, everyone.

I, for maybe the last time. No. You're still going to be Will Campos afterward. Yeah. And you'll do another one of these dad, right? I am your daddy master. In three weeks, I shall be home tending to my crops. Imagine where you will be, and you will be there.

I want to still be playing with you, though. But your real dad's coming. I recall a lot of these teary eyes when I finished a season. Well, actually, yeah, there were, so shut the fuck up. So shut the fuck up. Maybe it's just a statement about my memory. I'm like Pierce Brosnan, Mr. Doubtfire, your real dad's coming home soon. He's just bound a zany scheme.

I am the daddy master. I'm, at least for now, still the God emperor of this podcast until I give up my power to become a humble farmer. He's a very large worm. And my creepy finale fact is that during the finale of MASH, during the commercial breaks, the fucking sewage system in New York City erupted and

overflowed because so many people were running to the tourlet to use it at the same time to get their poops out during the management out. Do you guys not know that? No. It was a major disruption in their commercial breaks and I think at the end of the episode, like it shut down the sewage system. Wait, I had a quick question though. Did it have to be

poo that did that? It couldn't be peepee. I think it was that everyone at the same time. I think it was everyone at the same time. I just don't think that many people poopoo at I don't know. Well, New York City is a city that never sleeps, Beth. You know what? You're right. I bring this up only to say, this fact is a special fact for everyone in the live listen for

the finale of our show, which is get your poops out now, y'all. No, no, let's do a countdown. See if we can do the same thing. Let's hold you. Oh, yeah. Everybody flush your toilet. Everyone hold on your poops until the very end of the episode, and we're going to see if we can outdo mash and shut down the poops.

Three, two. They can do it at the end, Matt. Oh, at the end. Okay, yeah, yeah. No more pooping. Yeah, no more pooping. We're pooping until the end of the episode. Well, now you tell them.

Well, if they're pooping already, hold it. Hold it. Higgles. All right. Let's explain. You guys want to fucking save the world. Maybe. We're going to save the world?

Maybe. I look, no fucking punches will be pulled. I've been thinking about this all week and it's like, is there an ending where we just kind of like don't roll good in combat in the world ends? Yeah. They're definitely it. I came down three endings, depending on who wins this last encounter. Just like Mass Effect. One of them is the correct.

So, yeah, don't fuck it up, or we'll be, we'll make mad at us like with fireware. We'll just, yeah, we'll just patch it. It's fine. Patch it out, patch it out. How could you imagine? We should do patch notes for season one. And we like change like three things. New ending.

Yeah, new ending. I'll date the canon. New I do I do. And just Henry died instead of Glenn. When last we left our crew, you had retrieved the hangnail, a weapon of immeasurable power from the late John. Grammar, Kelsey's brother, who died bringing the weapon to you in his little time in Wyoming chamber at the heart of Project Heartland.

Where he lives. Where he lived. Where he lived. And died. And died. You now embark on a dangerous quest to end this whole crazy nightmare once and for all. The Bisons are at present bringing their seed bearer to mother in this big three ring circus tent at the center of town.

When the seed bearer is brought to mother and consumed by her, Zuzel will be born. And at the moment of Zuzel's birth, if one were to plunge the hangnail directly into his head, you could absorb all of his psychic energy, all of his power, and use that either to pull a million-in-one shot off to launch all of that spectral eldritch energy across the Atlantic Ocean to take out the big space stick fucking the earth, or you could bring that energy into yourself and become a demigod for who knows how long and go do the job yourself. As John Grammer described it, it's a million-to-one shot. versus a one-way ticket to who knows where. You all had group therapy with Carl Jung,

and Blake overcame his fear of guns, and Ambrister taught him the secret of Gun-Cata. Kelsey has a pocketful of Derringers. I believe Trudy got a new horrifying robot body. Yes. I guess I have the hangnail, because I pulled it out. You have the hangnail. I think you gave it to Blake.

But we'll say whoever wants to have it. Here, Kelsey, you can have it back. And I have two gold revolvers that are like Nick Cage's guns in face-off, but they're revolvers. Francis contacted his mom from the beyond, and she was just in a dark void somewhere. So that's probably what happens to you when you die. Yeah, so now we all know what death is.

Because as we learned, Jesus Christ was kidnapped by mysterious powers out beyond comprehension. You guys found out that Dr. Mann, who obviously will probably be playing some sort of insignificant role in the events to come, is secretly embarrassed of his really long, dangly scrotum. Yes. And then you were able to embarrass him so much,

he punched himself so hard in the head, he knocked himself out. And he's not going. All you know is that he knocked himself out. I guess we can really quickly run to Dr. Mann's just make sure the job's done. Yeah. It's just fucking ended. his ass. Okay. If we're going to pretend to be documented, yeah, it feels like we should

go to Dr. Mann's house, make sure he's really incapacitated, but also he probably has, like, I know you can turn into him, Blake, but that doesn't mean we have, like, all the equipment, like maybe there's some nurses there, like, we don't know, there's other stuff that we could. Driver's license, yeah, all the form of identification, perhaps, yes. Okay, so you guys would like to go to Dr. Mann's house. That's what I propose. Over on H Street. Sure. We all know where Dr. Mann is. Yeah, you guys can. He's a village doctor. On your way, again, The streets are eerily abandoned. It's mysteriously quiet outside.

Though, actually, no, you guys don't have a car anymore. Yeah. And you don't have a horse. We're running. How far away are we? Paint us the picture of how far we are from our goal. Well, you guys are outside of town right now because you're at the bunker. We're at Project Heartland's bunker.

Yes. They have vehicles. Yeah, they got a little, like, cool Jeep. Big warehouses and stuff often have small vehicles. Big warehouses have small vehicles. I just never heard something to say, it's not the size is how you use it quite like that. You guys find a forklift and you can ride the forklift into town. Awesome.

Damn, this thing goes 50 miles per hour. Yeah, we're going to impale some fucking bison. All right, so on your way, as you're tooling through the town of Pichuville on this forklift, you see, again, it's that there's an eerie quiet, there's mysterious clouds, but you hear off in the distance, like a... What does that sound? Kelsey, is that you? It's just like there seems to be like a far off, like way far off, deafening, kind of...

Not like... Shuddering Eldrich groan. From the circus tent direction? Not from the circus tent. Oh, somewhere else. Something else. Yeah, something else. Oh, shit.

A new sound. Oh, in the ocean. The God's about to come. Oh, no. Oh, no. And then near the circus tent, you hear, you're, who, who, who, who, whew, well, not yet. Oh, no, she hasn't conceived. Wait.

Which ocean? We are pretty much equidistant from both oceans. Let's go fast. Let's go fast. That seems to be the giant dick in the sky, Blake. Ah, most likely. Let's hope the god is an edger. I shifted a high gear on this fucking forklift.

Okay, great. You arrive at Dr. Mann's stately low-slung ranch-style house over on H Street. His car is there. Blake Breach. Ah, yes, let's go beat ass. One last one for the road. As you approach the house, you see two bisones at the door knocking on the door. They're like, Dr. Man, we really got to go.

Dr. Mann, what's wrong? Come on, Dr. Man, it's time. The whole ceremony's happening. I think the dick in the sky's about to come. If we don't get there before the thing comes, the world's going to end. I would love to sneak up behind one of them and stab them with my sword with a flashlight on it. Sick. Cool.

Who wants to take the second one? I'll shoot him. Oh, okay. You shoot him? And then we can take their identities. Great. I'm going to pull out of derringer. I think I'm going to use this for what it's used for.

You're drawing one of your 14 derringers. Okay. Please refer to your pile of derringer tokens and put one in the discard derringer pile. I got my tokens now. 14. Okay. Derringers. All right.

So you draw one of your derringers. All right. So you guys are trying to do like a coordinated takedown. Wait, wait, wait. All I'm saying is this. Just for the group. A forklel. has two proms at the end of this.

And you're going 50 miles an hour. It might wake up Dr. Mann, though. How many times do you guys have to fuck up horribly trying to ram a car into something this season before you stop trying to do it? Yeah, but imagine impaling two guys on a forklip. Like, if you're a forklift driver, I want you to know that if you guys all die doing this,

it will be the end of the season and it will be a 30-minute episode. That would be hysterically funny, so I think we should definitely do it. I do have really good vehicle handling skills. They might not hear it. If you, like, do, like, a fucking, in the world according to Garp, where you turn off the engine and just let it coast. That's true.

That's true. It's Dr. Mann's house at the bottom of, let's say, a hill of some guys. We could use the time that we're rolling up to get our guns ready. Yeah, we could use it to prep an aim action. Okay. Oh, that's good. There's the gameplay. So what it is is we all prep aim action.

I give one of my derringers to you, Anthony, because I'm going to be driving, so I can't be aiming. Sure. So everybody's got an aim action on this forklift. And then I'm driving. Okay. And I've got 75 drive auto. Okay.

So here's what we're going to say. So forklifts don't have seatbelts. They certainly didn't in the 1950s. Thanks, Nader. Generally speaking, forklift, usually a one-man operation, right? Like, it's usually a one-seat thing. So one of you is driving the forklift. The other three are like clinging to the back, right?

Yeah. And so the three of you are going to be prepping your aim to shoot these guys. Got like an arm around because they're open carriages. Arm around one of the poles, other hand aiming. I think I'm actually not even. going to bother aiming. I'm going to have my sword still sheath, but at the ready to just jump out and finish the ball. And I have four arms. And forklifts only go 18 miles. No, no, no, you said 50 miles an hour and it was not and it was not. Fine, but I can slow

down because I wouldn't drive into a building at 50 miles per hour. And also, you're not going to drive through it. The bodies are going to block it as you blow through the front door. So simultaneously we'll take down the front door. Yeah, I agree. It's awesome. I'm all on board. You appreciate and clear, but have you ever done both at the exact same moment? So we're going to skewer the guys at the forklift. Or run them over. Either way, screw is awesome. Run them over.

It's cool, too. Are you guys going to be on the forklift? Or you're going to try to jump off first? I'm going to be on because I can use like fully two arms to hold myself onto it. Okay. I think I'm probably going to jump off first and then sort of run up after the initial. All right. It will be a hard strength role to hold on when you crash or it will be a regular dexterity

role to jump off and not get injured. I made the right call then because I've got good strength and poor dexterity. Can Blake and Trudy just be on my last? A pretty big. They can be on your lap, but they still got to like... Hold on, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're going to have to... I'll do the decks.

I'll do the decks. I'll do a little effortlessly backflip off. You remember when he jumps off of this motorcycle? Yeah, equilibrium. I'm going to do strength. You're going to hold on. First things first. We'll say Dr. Mann is at the bottom of a hill.

Yes. And yes, so you raise over the hill. You see the guy's pounding. Like, oh, something must be wrong. I don't know what's going on in there. They're bounding on the door. Like, we got a breach. Let's go.

And so they both rear back. They're both at about the width of a door apart from each other, which is about the width of the forklift. So who knows? It might work. Matt, give me your drive auto. Matt, come on, baby. Whoa, man.

Come on, come on. 71 out of 75. So it's still successful. Okay, so Kelsey guns it. And for a second, it looks like she might not be up to the challenge. Things getting pretty fast and starting to wobble. Because it's got the weird, like, back wheel turning. Yeah, it's just not, yeah.

It's like she's not used to driving a forklift, but then you manage to lock in. You've got it lined up. You're hurtling towards the door. We're going to. give these guys each a roll to see if they hear you in time to try to dive out of the way. First guy does not hear you.

Second guy rolled in 18. Okay. So they turn one of the guys at the last minute goes, oh! And he's now going to do his own dexterity roll to try to jump out of the way, which he does just barely. Sounds like he's jumping out of the way right into a sword. Yeah, I'm going to fucking aim for that guy. He manages

to jump. He sees the shadow of the fork light fall and he turns around to the last second and just manages to dive out. You know what? I'm going to give him a luck roll real quick. We will say, because he failed his luck roll. The forklift pins the edge of his bison rope. So, like, he's going to have to make a strength check to rip away from it on his next turn. The other guy gets straight up fucking impaled.

We're going to roll damage for him. He is dead. It just goes straight through his chest. So, blam, one guy's down. We'll say the other fork, like, manages to pop the door open. Now we'll do everybody's rules. So who's jumping off? I'm jumping off.

I rolled a 93. I thought is that because Francis is not used to this new robot leg He massively misjudges how much space He needs and then Lake is actually too strong And so he like launches himself forward And completely eat shit Not unlike in the very first episode

We bowled and he fell over So Francis is on the roof He's like the pizza on the roof He's just the pizza on the roof and breaking bad Like when Homer Simpson jumps out of the car When he's throwing it off the clip Yeah he goes back in He's rolled my hand

Give me Blake's backflip. Blake does an effortless backflip with both arms stretched out like an angel. 43 out of 75, regular success. Excellent. Trudy hangs on with two arms while trying to aim to the trapped bison with the other. Give me your strength roll. I rolled a 41 out of 60. Okay, sick.

Yeah. Kelsey, you're the last one. My strength is 40. Well, that's not a great number. and my role is in 83 10 miles per hour by the way One of you gotten thrown violently

from a fucking I think Francis is the only one that hasn't Yeah I guess not So here's what happens Simultaneously The Forklift crashes into the wall One bison gets impaled

The door pops open The other one is stuck pinned to the vehicle He sees an immediate succession A nerdy teenager Yeat himself up onto the roof His own boss Who he was just knocking on the door

To go see Back flipping through the air off of the fucking thing, and then he sees a spider-like robot monster with the head of a woman bracing for impact as she draws a gun and points it at his head. And then he sees his teacher flying Superman style as she

defenestrates through the front of the forklift, straight through the hallway door. I've got a quick idea. I've got so many arms is the thing. Can I do a disadvantage dexterity roll to try to like to grab Kelsey? Grab Kelsey before she leaves the here's what we'll do. You can grab Kelsey no

problem. Okay. But it will be a disadvantage strength role to hold on to her. Okay. Dude, tears off all her clothes and turns out she's buff as fuck under there. Nice. So the first one is a 39. So I'm re-rolling the tens digit. 59.

Oh, 59. I got it. Okay. Like one away. All right. Great. So yes. Kelsey, you are about to blast through as I was.

And probably lose a good chunk of HP. Describe how Trudy manages to brace Kelsey from flying to the window. And just so we have it fresh in our heads, paint for me the picture of what Trudy currently looks like. Because there was like a gun and a scooter, and then we gave you robot legs and arms, and I'm just having a tough time visualizing it. So the bottom of Trudy's personhood is a wheeled tripod. Okay.

She's kind of held up by like a stick, and she's a head on a stick. She's a head on a stick on a tripod. Yeah, that has two legs coming out of the side of the stick and one coming out directly in front. And then she's got four arms from the back of the stick. I see. It's like a spider, like a Doc-Ox scenario. This is so skibbitty toilet code.

So it's like a camera tripod on wheels. Yes. But then on the stick part, there are also four hands coming out. Yeah, arms. Arms. And then what's the one that's sticking out in front? She has an extra leg.

So she has two legs in addition to the tripod. She has two legs in addition to the tripod. Three legs actually. There's two legs going down and then one leg sticking out forward that is hold aiming the gun? Yes. That's like my big gun. Yeah.

Yeah Cool Trudey Opie as fuck Try to make a Funko pop out of that one Funco How do we do this one Funco Engineering is fucking She's still kind of

experimenting with her new body And so she's holding on To the forklift with Three arms currently And then she's like Wait a minute I don't need three arms And so as Kelsey goes

Rocketing forward Trudy takes One of the arms Off of the Forklift and just like grabs her by the ankle and kind of is able to... Oh, wow, by the thing.

So she's, like, most of the way out of the door by the time she gets, like... I mean... Yeah, that works. That's great. Flying forward. Okay. So I would have been flying forward

and I was, close her eyes, like, I knew this is how I was going to go. And then all of a sudden, just like, I close my eyes to accept my death and just the soft touch of an angel grabs my feet and I think I'm in heaven and I open my eyes, but no, I'm still here.

I see Trudy holding by me. I go, thank you, Trudy. It's a robotic head spider instead of an angel. Thank you, Trudy. It seems like you were already accepting your death. I was. I mean, I don't know if we're all going to make it out of here. But you know, now that I've gone through it, I feel invincible.

Oh, really? Yeah, I think we're going to get through this. Says the guy who you're still fighting and he draws a dagger to attack you. Kelsey, lift him, lift him up. Now we're going to do initiative. I don't imagine this being a quick conflict. You don't imagine it being quick? Yeah, right.

Not with this crew. Okay, everyone give me your dexterity. 65. Not all at once. Let's say time. Ready, three, two, one, fifty, seventy-five. 75, 60's 57. I don't, just that without names means nothing to me. Freddy,

Freddie, 75. Anthony's 60. Matt is 57. Beth, 25. Pretty dexterous head, all things considered. Yeah. Things not to say to your girlfriend. That would be an honor. Yeah, that would be an honor.

If you say all things considered after a blowjob, like that's a little hazard. It depends on where it's happening. Yeah, that's true. I guess if you're on like a monster It depends on what things are being considered Yeah What the considerations are

Yeah Dude roadhead in a monster truck dude That'd be awesome Maybe which which monster truck Oh dude the one with like the dog ears Little extra privacy You know what on the side Do you want to get your dome sucked in monster mud

Monster mutt Or the unicorn one that you can blow out A little confetti afterwards I know Molluc is Andy's watching Monster trucks now Oh yeah Did you think it's a monster jam I don't want to deafen my...

They're insanely boring and insanely loud. I highly recommend not doing those. Ear protection. Nice. You ever blown a man and grave digger? That's the inside of it. I don't think it'd be hard to get two people in there. All things considered.

All things considered. Pretty dexterous head, all things considered. It's very gross. This is NPR's all things considered. It was pretty good head. Dexter's head sounds like a pretty funny, like, Bond girl name. Hello.

Mr. Bond. I'm Dr. Dexter's head. Alshan, quiet. Well, find out. Man, Bond rules, dude. What a cool guy. And in the movie, Bond's like, I have to say, Dr. Head, you live up to your name. M's, like, watching on the spy came, like, W.O.7.

You're getting your head choked by Dexter's head in a monster truck. Yeah. Keep your head, oh, it's not my head. I need to be worried about. They're going to detonate a new. Now, now she's going to be called, like, Alston and she runs the business. I'm sorry. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. Sorry. I'm a bad. I'm a bad person. Sorry. Sorry. That's gross.

I'm a bad person. No, I mean, you're not wrong. You're not saying it's good or bad. All right. Oh, boy. All right. Cue that are going to detonate a nuke at Anaheim at Monster Jam. Allison, watch.

Bond are going under cover as the driver of Goldfucker. All right, shut up. You were the one talking. Initiative, finish it. I don't know how we're going to recover from this. Blake, you're up first. You're still mid-pirate. What would you like to do?

I'd like to finish that off, first of all. That's what Dexter's head said. Yeah. Sorry, Allison. Can I just like land? Do a forward roll. My name is Allison and I run a business, double of seven. And that means I won't be taking any of yours.

Ooh, that's good. That's good. Allison rocks. This is pretty good. I can't wait for the screen rate article on Allison, dude. Five things you won't believe about Allison, the new bond girl. Number one, she runs a business. Okay.

Dude, that's the day that Bond girl became Bonn woman. She's the new Bond Girl boss, if you will. So I'm going to do a forward roll, and then I'm going to end up right under his chin, and there's going to be a gun there. Weapons his ass. Give me a dexterity roll to get into position. 23. Fantastic. Perfect position. So you stick the landing with your gun right under his head.

Give me, I mean, I guess. I don't even have to need to. This is point blank, right? There's point blank rules. Oh, yeah, that's true. Just give me a fucking shoot that gun, dude. I go blammo, and my gun speaks to him. From under his chin, it has one thing to say, very loudly, bang.

Okay. And somehow it only does four points of damage. Your revolver speaks its sensuous tongue. However, its words missed the mark. You managed to, like, graze the side of this guy's head. He's got an undercut now. He's got a cool undercut now, and like half of his ear is missing. Cool.

And at the same time, you also shoot the bison mask off of him. Revealing the face of Freddie Fremantle. Down minor league baseball star who is like, Ah! You should have stayed on shortstop. It is now Freddie Fremantle's turn. And he says, boss, but we were just coming to get you. You're fired. He's going to make a strength trick to try to get away.

So he passes his strength check. Shit. And so he rips his bison robe free, and now he's just going to fucking run like hell. Are they naked under the robes? He's got funny boxers on. Do you what I mean? Like in the movie, like a cartoon

When they got a little funny You know what would be the funniest thing Is like a pair of boxer print on boxers I wonder where I can get that Is that going to be in Beth Mayer? Bricking a repairal? No, he literally already sell it on the Dungeons. Oh, you?

Yeah. Oh, I think he meant boxing like a dog. Yeah, that's what he's got. He's got cute little boxers And there's both boxer dogs And then boxer guys And then yeah, it's like, oh, Jack Johnson's on there posing. Yeah, and then he says

my other boxers are my pants because sometimes I don't wear underwear. That's what it says on the red. This guy is fucking... This guy's hilarious. I'm pretty freemandal. I'm the funny baseball player. We can't kill this guy.

He runs like the dickens. La, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. Crudy take aim? Yeah, I want to. He is Francis's turn. I would like to chase him down and slice that it with my sword.

We'll say if you do a full move action across the rooftop, you can do a leaping slash at him with your... Pretty fucking cool. So yes, this will be a dexterity roll. Okay. That is a 33, a regular success. Okay, great.

Now we can do the traditional fighting brawl matchup, but we will say because you are coming at him from this ninja-style angle, you can do advantage on your fighting brawl. That is an 81 out of 71, so very glad to have that advantage. That is a 41 out of 71, which is a regular success. I want to be Genji. He got a 13 out of 60. This guy.

Was he dodging or fighting back? He was dodging, because he's just trying to get out of here now. Sure. So the same way he sensed the headlights of the forklift, he senses a shadow falling over him and he looks up and he sees backlit by the moon. Francis Farnsworth. Some kid. His katana glinting in the moonlight, which looks super cool and farms a ton of aura. However, it does also give Francis away. So he's able to dodge out of the path of your steel as you stick down into the ground. First one's a warning. It is now Kelsey's turn. I'm kind of like halfway through the window. Trudy's holding my foot. The rest of my bite is kind of like over the hood. or whatever, I'm kind of laid down, so I'm in perfect, stable aiming position.

I got my Derringer, 1 of 14, and I'm going to aim it, and I'm going to fucking shoot. Next round, it'll be disadvantaged. Yeah, but he's one move. Yeah, he's one full move away, but yes, give me your shot. So first off, there's rifle and shotgun, and then there's handguns, and my handgun is actually only 20. Super success. Super success. Okay, great.

Give me a 1D6 firearms roll. A six. Yeah. Damn. Okay, and you did four damage to him, right? Freddy, is that what you said? Correct. I was in my head calculating that he had 10 HP.

Nice. So as he's running away, he's like, I'm going to make it, I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it all the way to the major lit. And then just like, fucking, like a little peach of a shot cracks out from the Derringer and just pops straight through the back of his skull and out the front of his skull. Never was good at stealing bases. And he drops dead on the ground. Puff of red blood lit up in the moonlight.

However, team, we've gotten really good at killing people. I know, that's, I don't like that, but whatever we got to do. Practice makes perfect. I tossed by Derger's got, I got 13 more with that. So yes, you have 13 derringer shots. We are now going to give Dr. Mann a listen role to see if all of this noise woke him up from his unconscious stupor. Can we see him?

You cannot see him. Oh, so it wasn't like in the living room. He passed his listen check. As your shot cracks out and this guy drop. to the ground, you hear a door swing open, and you see Dr. Man clutching his head staggered out of his bathroom. He's like, what is going up? And he looks up and he sees all of you in the doorway.

We are going to add him to the initiative, and his dex is an 85. Oh, shit. Dr. Man. Dr. Man. Well, he works with his hands. He has a very dexterous head. However, I believe it is Trudy's turn.

So Trudy, you're going to get one free action. Yeah, I'm going to shoot Dr. Man. Okay, give me a firearms roll. Okay, doke. I fail. I got 63. So boom! A shot bursts out from this gun and punches a hole in the wall behind him, and his eyes go wide.

And you see he's probably going to also likewise bolt to some other location the second his turn comes around, which is now, damn it. You see that he was in the middle. middle of getting prepared for tonight. So he is also wearing his bison robes. And he's not wearing his mask, but he is going to just bolt for the back door. Blake, it's your turn. I'm trying to cut them off, I think, by going around the outside.

Oh, okay. We've got to run there. They always run. They always run. Everybody runs. So you use your full move action. Let's say you round the corner. You do like a Ferris Bueller over the fence.

There's a lady sunbathing out there. And you're like, hey, how's it going? And then you do a big jump to get over the other side. And you land in the backyard just as the door is bursting open. On his next turn, you guys will be basically meeting in the backyard. Francis, it is your turn. Francis is going to do his best to run inside and swipe at the man. You're pretty far away because you were chasing after Freddie Fremantle,

everyone's favorite baseball player. Sure. So we'll say in your turn, you're able to make it up through the house and like halfway through the house, but you see him going out the back. He's going at the back. Kelsey, what would you like to do? Which way are you running? He's going through the house.

It's just like in line order when they're chasing the perp. Yeah, I'm going to hop back in the seat and back up the forklift. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. and start driving along the sidewalk. I mean, he's running away from the sidewalk right now because he's going through his backyard. Backyard. You're going to off-road it through the backyard?

Yeah, there you go. Then here's what we'll say. He is about to burst through the back door of his backyard. Blake is on one side, gone at the ready. Kelsey is rounding the corner on the other side on the forklift. Yes. Francis is chasing him through the back. Trudy, what are you doing?

I guess you're in the car with Kelsey. Oh, yeah. I'll stay in the car. How fast can Trudy go? We'll say you can go as fast as a person on roller skates. Okay. If you use two of your arms That's pretty fucking fast.

Like a fucked up toy in Cid's workshop. Yep. You can get like roller skates beat. But not on grass, which is where you are in the back area. Fair enough. So you guys are all rounding the corner. He bursts through the door.

He immediately clocks his surroundings and sees himself coming around one corner with his gun. He sees a child with a samurai sword chasing behind him. And then a woman and a robot monster on a forklift coming around the other corner. He is going to make a break for it as well. and he's going to try to vault the fence at the back of his yard. I don't like that.

We'll call you a monster. I mean, it was my character, Matt. You know, but I just meant truly like a robot. Cool robot. It's a cool robot monster. You know what?

Matt, you're right. Yes. I changed my mind. He is problematic. He got a 15 to scramble up the back of his... He's rolling very well. His fence. I was like a blast with that fence.

I feel like a fork could go through a fence without throwing somebody out of it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. So, yes. So, yes. He vaults the fence and lands on the other side and keeps book in it. It is now Blake's turn.

I think I'm going to continue the pursuit on foot. If you want to pursue him, you're also going to have to make a dexterity roll to get over this fence. Or use a strength roll to blast through it. Covered by the gun cock, oh, 95. And I has 75 on both. So I think I just go, I will blast through this fence. And I just go, plow. So you just slam in the fence.

Like a kid into a screen door. Okay, you just body check the fence. Okay, great. This is the 1950s fences back when they were making shit out real wood. Out of real wood, not, you know, particle board or whatever. Yeah, so you just goof it straight in a fucking fence. Sheep wood and bodies flying through it. And you get knocked off and give me a 1 HP of damage.

Dang. It is Francis's turn. Ow, my nose. Oh, my nose. Francis is going to try to leap over the fence. And with a 62, he almost did. That's so wild. be like, this incredibly well-made fence is stopping.

So, yes, we'll say that Francis, you spring up. This time you underpower because you were like, you over did it with the leg last time. So this time you underpower and just like your neck hits the top of the fence and then you also wind up clonked on the ground. Which means, Matt, you now have two obstructions in your way. Can I hold my turn so Trudon go first? You could go on top of the forklifting and I can raise it to that.

At least you go over the fence. Oh, sick. I like that. Fucking half-life puzzle ass shit. Yeah. That's what I say, Francis, hang on. but you tried leaping. We'll say that's a free action for you to do that.

As I'm driving through, I'm just going to also lift up the forklift. Trudy goes first. But first you're going to have to give me a drive roll to find a spot in the fence that's not blocked by Blake lying on the ground or Francis dankling from the fence. 20. Out of driving? Oh, yeah, I got 75 drives. Okay, six. So yes, you're able to and skid your way through the lawn.

And Trudy's raising up. And Trudy's over the fence. And Rudy, hit the fence. It blows wide open. Trudy, you are now in prime position. You're looking down the forklift at a stupefied Dr. Mann as he looks up at you. How far away is he from me?

We'll say he's basically right on the other side of the fence because he has not gone yet. I don't have good dexterity, so I have to be kind of practical about what I can do. You can do a fighting brawl to try to jump on it. You can use all your arms and nine arms and legs and shit. Fighting brawl, I have 45. You're not as far apart as the roof and Francis

and the other guy, so I don't think you have to make a dex roll. I think you could just basically try to tackle it if you want. I failed. Okay. Oh, no. Yeah. Trudy launches spider-like arms and legs flailing in the air. And again, you're still getting used to your new robot body.

Yeah, that's true. You just haven't quite figured out the trajectories. And you turf it into the ground next to him. It is his turn. So we're now in the neighbor's backyard, we'll say. And he spots a cool bicycle. Oh. Like leaning on the side of the house.

So he's going to make a sprint for the bicycle. And if he's not taking care of on the next turn, you guys may wind up in a chase. Damn. He gets the kickstand out It's like a kid's bike It's got those little streamers on the side But it's like an older kid So he can still go decently fast on it

And he's about to do a push start Right as we go to Blake's turn Has anybody done like a scene in like a horror movie Where they like try to turn the key And it doesn't work But you're on a bike And you try to kick the kickstand And it doesn't work

As we do he's pot Or it's like it's locked to a thing Oh yeah the keys on Oh yeah I want to do that thing Where like I aim one of the guns But I put my other arm like in front of me so that I can, like, balance my hand on top of my arm, like a cool... Like this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Like, you know, you put the cross. You're not balancing it. Yeah, you're stabilizing it. You're aiming. You're aiming, as it called. You're aiming the gun.

Is there a world? Is that what he said? Is there a world where I could aim my gun with one hand and put my hand on the other hand? All right. Give me a firearms roll. I'm going to look up the gun cotta rules in a second, but for now, let's say you have advantage on your gun rolls. 58 miss.

Boom! A bullet whizzes through the air. And misses him. And goes, Like it pierces one of the streamers on the side of his... Still getting used to it. Stop, we don't want to shoot you. But we will if you keep moving.

These are all threats. Freeze. All of these are intentional threats. Francis, it's your turn. I'm trying to run up and fucking slash out of him. As a threat. As a threat. As a threat.

Uh, seven. Nice. Oh, no. Highlander. That's a fighting brawl role, right? Yeah. And I've looked up, tell you if you agree with this, that a katana is akin to a wood axe. Sure.

That means it's 1D8 plus 2 plus my damage bonus, which is 0. So 1D8 plus 2. I got good news for you. He failed his dodge roll. Fantastic. That'll be six damage altogether. Okay. Your katana comes down across his back and a brutal flash.

A spray of red mist comes out of the back of his bison's cloak. And he staggers. He is looking the worst for wear. He's still up, but he is definitely grievously wounded by this blow. It is now Kelsey's turn. Can I get to him? Yeah, if you can fucking get to him. I'm just going to run and then I'm just going to like wrap around the front tire like a little shrimp.

Oh, the bike? Yeah. I was going, and I grab it. I'll let somebody else kill. I don't know when there's a shrimp around my bike. That fucking sucks. Field position. You're going to strip the bike.

Yeah. That bike's not going anywhere where I'm holding my hands are in the spokes. So dignified. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll leave back. We'll do an opposed strength role for him to break the bike free. if he so chooses. Okay.

It is now Trudy's turn. He's up next, right? Yeah, I was wondering if we need info from him. Yeah. Trudy's going to try to restrain him. Okay, you're going to try and grapple him? Yeah. Okay, great.

You're going to do like a fighting maneuver? Yeah. Give me a fighting brawl. Okay. Does her new robot body get like bonus on grapple? So she's got literally like nine. I pass anyway. It's fine.

Yeah, I got a 24 out of 45. So he's going to do a dodge roll to try to escape your grapple. But you got to, what kind of? of success regular success i think that is a regular success yes he critically failed he fumbled his dodge hell yeah so you've got him like you're just wrapped around him like a spider and he just turns it onto the ground because he critically failed i will say that you guys are out of combat nice you grab him he hits his head on the bike on the way down then he hits his head on like jagged edge of like the fucking steps and so like he's out if you guys are hoping to fucking talk to dr man we can say

that it's like in the movies when the guy comes to and like we're with his perspective and he looks around and he sees all of you where do you guys want him when he wakes up? I think speed is more of an essence right now than a mission impossible, tricky trick. Yeah. Yeah, we wake up as Wolf Blitzer.

Yes. Peachtingville was destroyed today when a big dick came out of the sky. Yeah, we do the whole thing where it's like we get Francis dressed up as a newscaster and it's just like playing on the radio. It's like your plan failed. I don't know what you thought.

You guys could try if you want, but you have only a couple minutes until he will say, we're not going to do that. Yeah, we're not doing. You guys set up your things. I'll wake him up. He's completely held by Trudy, right? Yes. Okay. I'm going to say, I don't have a lot of time.

So I'm going to give you 30 seconds. Tell something useful, we're going to go stop you, and then I'm going to shoot you in the head. If you don't, that's it. You're about to give birth to Zuzel. What? Yeah, we're going to give birth to. Yeah. What is the process of doing so?

What are you going to do is Dr. Mann once you arrive at the circus tent? And all of the bison's are prepared to die when this happens. Okay. And I stab him in the chest. I shoot him at the same time. It's got to feel. It's go through shit. Let's go through shit.

The fastest interrogation scene in any movie. All right. Cblamo. He wasn't going to tell us anything. And I, unlike the U.S. government, knows that torture is not a reliable way to get information. No. Sorry, well, I'm not going to fall for a conservative trap of torturing this man for information. That would be helpful for this day.

Absolutely not. I will do the ethical thing and shoot him in the head immediately. Well, he's dead. Cool. All right. We'll loot his house. Now, it's going to take time

to relute his house. Yeah, we're going to do as fast as possible. They're pounding on the door. We're about ready to go to do the same thing in the ocean. The only reason we came here was to make sure he didn't show up and ruin our games.

And also, you would have your bag by the door ready to go or whatever. You're not, it's not like he was packing while the guys. Hold on, hold on. They're ready for it. We should do a Nickelodeon super toy run. Oh, hell yeah. Exactly.

There's five of us. We have 90 seconds in the house. You split up and we just get what we get. Okay. I say Kelsey's a very good snooper. She loves snooping. Whenever she gets invited to like, you know, for parents' household.

No, she's got to be a pro because, you know, she gets invited to parents, you know, for a dinner. And she goes, okay, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. She's snooped to shit out of house. She's a real snoop. Whoa, dude. You don't need a stupid bathroom. You snoop everywhere.

You see with like meds there's. Yeah, you got to do the meds. Yeah. But that takes two seconds. I want to see what's going on the bedroom. Plus, it's the 50s, so everyone's on bike it in. Yeah. Mommy's little helpers.

Upers and downers. Everybody give me a spot hit and roll. Everyone gets one spot hit and roll on their way through the house. And then you can come up with the theme of the item that way, find it's of where we ran to. So I ran to his bedroom. So I got the bedroom because we're splitting up. I ran to his sex dungeon. You ran to his sex dungeon.

I ran to his office. I ran into his den. Wow. He's got a big house. He's a doctor. Well, folks, I failed my spot hidden. Okay. Nothing in the bedroom.

Nothing in the den. I got a super success. Ooh, that's very good. What did you get, Freddie? I got regular success in his sex direction. All right, this is good. All right, Freddie, you find a pristine bison robe and mask. Seems like he had one fresh one.

No nut. Huh? No nut on it. They haven't invented UV lights yet. So I can tell you, I didn't say it smells clean. I'm just saying it doesn't have a bunch of blood and puncture wounds on it. Ah, yes. So yes, you guys have one fresh mask and bison robe that smells a little like one of those trees.

The linden tree. The linden tree. Beth, you find the following document, which I'm about to send to you. You find what appears to be a script for what Dr. Mann is supposed to say during the ritual that he's about to go to. Wow. So that is what you find. You could Terry Longer, but who knows when that thing in the sky is going to bust a thick load. Terry Longer's a good name for a bond girl.

Nice. That's good. Bon boy. There should be Bonboys. There should be Bonboys. There should be. I'm bonboys called Terry Longer. There are two bison outfits on the two people we killed also.

Yes. Those are some degree of fucked up. Yes. So, yes. One guy has a big fucking skewer through him. It got impaled by the forklift. And the other one has a fucking headshot through. This is very good.

Actually, know, the other guy, Freddie Fremantle, he busted through it. So there's a little tear on the bottom. Yeah. But there's probably a bullet at the very top where no one would look. Because Freddie grazed the fucking mask. I agree. One of his damage to the body. One of his damage.

the mask. This is the fun mechanic, right? This is very fun what I'm about to do. Oh, okay. You have one Primo outfit that's mint, right? Yeah. Dr. Mann's outfit was fucked up to shit back. I mean, he wasn't wearing his helmet or his helmet, his bison mask.

Which is fine because we don't need your mask. Somebody write this down because you guys should keep track it. From the two guys outside, you have two bison masks, one undamaged, one damage, and then you have two robes, one damaged, one undamaged. We're going to combine the two undamaged ones, and then we have two undamaged outfits. Mm-hmm. And then we have one damaged one. And then Kelsey is going to take just the robe that, because I think the outfits wouldn't fit Kelsey because Kelsey is the biggest of everybody.

Also, I will remind you one of you is a fucked up robot monster skeleton with a gun. That's fine. It's a thing we have a medicine bag. I might not look like a... But they have a big rope. So if you're talking up the robe, it would just be your head. A head. That's really good, actually.

It's a full robe, I thought, right? That's true, yeah. Is Dr. Mann's robe different than anybody else is, or it's the same? No, it's the same. Okay, great. Okay, cool. You should use Dr. Man's robe. Yes, I will use the pristine one.

A pristine one. Yeah. I'll use one of the messed up ones because if my arm is coming out a weird thing, I'll just say that I got hurt a weird way. Yes, we will say that we, all of us, attacked all of these people here, and we fended them off and they are still on the run. Ah, the guttural screams. We will even say the guttural screams are another place to throw the scent off.

And then I'll try, maybe I should just take the forklift with me, and I can just say I'm working here. Hey, I'm working here. You don't think you can fit one of these? I'm really sneaky, so I might not necessarily. need it. Or Francis, you could ride on Kelsey's shoulders. It's the tallest bison in the whole town. You are very sneaky.

Okay, you're right. Are you okay with that? I'm okay with you having my robe, yeah. You have just a robe. You don't have a helmet or a bison mask, but it's also a really fucked up robe. Yeah. Okay. You could be under the Trudy tent.

Oh. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. She's got space down there because she's just a tripod. Yeah. I can move you around, yeah. I'll hold you like a fucking steady can. Oh my God.

That's the worst thing I've ever heard. She's got space down there. I'm looking for a woman with space down there. That's the weirdest way I was say childbearing hips. She got space down there. So here's what I'm hearing. Freddie and Matt are both in Pristine outfits. Freddie with no mask.

Freddie no mask. Matt mashed up in a bisoned. in a bison outfit. Trudy is in a beat to shit outfit with the damaged mask and the damaged robe. Oh, we have two good masks? We have two good masks.

So she's got a good mask, but damaged rope. Yeah. And then Francis is hiding inside with Trudy inside. Is this like it's going to be Francis's arms sticking out? No, she's got arms.

She's got arms for days, dude. Okay. She's got robotic arms. I think of anything, my arms sticking out weird ways will help sell that I got attacked by the gutterill screen. So, okay, I see.

Okay, great. All right. Yeah. You know, I will also say you find the keys to Dr. Man's car. Cool. Those are just on the little keyhole. Well, they're probably ready

that drive him to the thing, right? They were outside. Oh, that's true. Yeah, the engines are the two guys. Yes, you have the car that they were. Okay. All right. Now, here's the thing.

There's there anything in their pockets. Freddie Fremantle had a dagger and he also had a little bobblehead of Babe Ruth because he's a baseball guy. And he has funny boxers. Cool. And the other guy who will say was Terry Hatcher, he had

a copy of a James Bond novel. Tomorrow Never Dies was a canon novel in this crazy universe. Truthy, that you were... This is on the drive-over. Yeah, yeah, we're driving over. Yeah, we're driving over. There you were playing that you were mad injured.

Francis, you are underneath there. How's it going? I'm pretty good. So it makes sense that when we get there, Trudy, Francis, you too might need to go to see the medical whatever, right? Yes. That way you can get in deep and then take them out from within. Yeah. Causing a disturbance elsewhere.

Oh, and you, you should probably have this script. What the fuck, Trudy? Why did you... I'm... I've been working. I'm looking on it for a few years, and I'm hoping you can get it into the right hands. Exterior, football game. She's hot, but she doesn't know it.

No, it's just what you're supposed to say as Dr. Mann. I think we just check the vibe when we get there. Yeah, let's check the-100% vibe check. There's like a big circle, like all the Bisons are in a big circle. We would have to be the circle, too. Just get that circle. What are you guys going to do? Yeah, we're going to park outside like we're normal-ass people and walk inside like normal-as-people.

And it's going to act like Dr. Mann and say, yeah, I'm ready for the fucking ceremony. I'm going to have the hangnail inside the medical bag. Yes. And we don't know who the vessel is, right? No, you do not. Okay. You guys see, as you were driving towards town, this circus tent looming in the distance where this ominous cloud is swirling above it.

You also see almost like a grim parade in the street. You see a processional where two lines of these bison's are holding the sea bearer who has a hood draped over their face, who's kind of kicking and struggling. I think I know who it is, unfortunately. Who do you think it is? I think it's my son. How big is this person? How big is the person?

They seem bigger than Trudy's son. Okay, okay. I think it's going to be my sister. I think it's going to be my sister. That's the only person we care about. Your sister? We don't know where she is, Ross.

We don't know where Roz. It doesn't matter. Either way, we're not going to have to kill them. We're going to kill the baby. Does she look like raw size? It looks a grown-up size. I'll say that. Grown-up size.

Okay. It's not your son. Okay. But it's not going to happen to them anyways. Yes, yes. Nothing's going to happen. I want to try to... Well, just to clarify,

this person whoever they are has to be fed to mother first for and then when Zuzel is birth you're going to stab Zuzel in the head so yes something is definitely happening Oh so one person's dying in them are what

Yes Yeah We did our best Yeah all things considered Harm reduction is a viable strategy If one person has to die I'm not saying it's good But like there's no other option

I would volunteer if it was up to me Yeah We know you would I'm just saying you know I'm gonna kind of whisper Just to Blake Hey Blake Yes.

One of us has to do it, right? Francis is too young. Trudy's got a kid. You don't got anything to live for anymore. First of all, what the fuck? And neither do I really, in terms of like, I mean, we do, but we're older. We're the adults. We have to do this.

Yes, Kelsey, that's why I am in the shape of Dr. Mann in front of you. Yeah, but I'm saying to actually stab the hangnail. Yes, Kelsey, I'm the one that's going to be the closest. How did you think this was going to play out? I thought I was going to do it, but... Yeah, but how? You're not the doctor? Oh, okay.

What were you going to be doing, like, hanging out next to me and then... Yeah. Yeah, I was with you. That... What? Okay, no, it's great. Wow, you're really brave, Blake. I will do what is required of me.

I have seen many things, Kelsey, and this is but a soldier's duty. To save the world, to save the town that he has called his home. The place that he loves. It is worth a sacrifice, and it is worth whatever it. takes to hang on to this. Also, you'll turn into a demigod. It might be sick. Francis, you're so dead on, my dude.

You're reading my mind. I know, right? I do want to remember that you guys have a second option. Yeah, the one in a million shot. Yes. And you did call Werner von Braun or whoever to get the calculations to do that. It's true. So you have that.

That's a fallout. In our back pocket, we have the calculations of the Nazi. If this were a movie, you would try that one first. Yeah, maybe we should try that one first, Blake. Well, we'd like at the one shot. No matter how brave and handsome and attractive you seemed in that moment, I think we should try the one in a million shot first and then there's no as you say that kelsey you remember that john when he was explaining that the way that this worked is you either get to shoot a beam

and take the shot and maybe miss and fuck up and destroy the world or you get to do the demi god thing all right team huddle let's settle what we're going to do you need a car no i was whispering to you guys heard what blake said sure there's a huddle with all of us oh that's interesting we're included now i'm sorry i just i just didn't trudy i care a lot about you and i think You have a lot to live for with Timmy. I wasn't going to let you sacrifice yourself. Maybe that's selfish, but I wasn't going to. And Francis, I know you, you're super gung-ho about just ending it all and being a hero,

but you're a kid and you're growing and you're becoming a better person every day, and you got plenty to live for too. Me and Blake, we're over 40. Like, it's already half a done. So what of us was going to do? That's all I could have, I could have included all of us in it. But now we're here. We should know what we're doing as a team.

And are we going to shoot the shot? or is Blake going to turn into a demigod? We have a certainty of success or a one and a million chance of success. I think it's pretty clear what we'd have to do. I mean, certainty is, I don't think if it's certain. If you turn into a demigod, I think you pretty much get to do whatever you feel like.

Yeah. Okay. Which is why you're scared of me becoming this. That's also part of it, yes. Yeah. How would the one that million shot work? It was the power would go into what? Basically, so here's, again,

is what you remember John explaining it to you? When you stab the hangnail now into Zuzel's skull, you will absorb all of his sort of, spiritual essence. The same way that 10,000 souls needed to be sacrificed to bring Zuzel into this world, you're going to essentially sacrifice Zuzel and bring all of his power into this dagger. Then you have a choice. You can either stab yourself with the dagger and become a demigod,

or you can essentially use the dagger like a wand and fire it in a big Eldridge blast, but you're going to have to aim right to hit your target in the Atlantic Ocean. And you have the calculations on your side. And if you wanted to contrive some way to make sure you shot your shot, you would have to do that. And we could, I mean... But it's a risk. That's the uncertainty.

And Blake will, I mean, if Blake becomes a demigoy, he'll probably be... I mean, not dead, but he's not going to be Blake anymore. No, it'll be a demigod. We can't say for sure if that's a good or bad thing. I'm just going to say my vote is to take the shot so that we don't lose any of us. But that's just my vote. And I respect what the whole team says. That's kind of my vote, too, honestly.

Oh, man. You just want to take the shot? We have an even number of people, don't we? I definitely want to sacrifice somebody. Well, now that I'm a deciding factor is... Just pretend to talk. You're the third person to vote. You didn't hear what Francis said.

What's your vote? My vote is that we're a bowling team and we can't lose any of us. Okay. So you vote? To take the shot. Okay. Quick huddle without Francis. I think Francis is not going to accept the group's decision.

So just make sure he doesn't grab the hangnail, Blake. Okay. I feel there's a good shot. he's going to try to get that thing and do the sacrifice. Guys, I'm going to be honest. I am thinking about grabbing the handoff from you. Oh, that's a big way. That's a big step.

You're not trying to not only be honest, but I'm trying to want to live. So I'm going to, as much as I physically can, stop myself from doing that. But if things get bad, that is a pretty good plan B. I would like us all to agree on that. That's why it's an option. If the world does end, because the four of us were trying to protect each other. I don't know. I can live with that. It's kind of sweet, but like, there

are like kids in Germany. But it's not. We're not the ones doing this. They're the bad guy. We're doing our best. We are doing our best and we're trying to stop the world. If we're trying to do it while saying our best, though, if we're not optimising whatever. I believe you. I'm willing to go along with this. All right. So we got the calculations.

Yeah. All we have to do is trust the math of a Nazi. Well, you actually wasn't, and I want to, it wasn't Wer von Braun. It was, um, oh, it was the other one. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. John von Noyman. Okay. Hey, did someone check these calculations? This is our plan, right? So we know you have a lot of arms and you're, you got rigid metal. So I can count on many fingers. Yes. And so we can preset the angle of attack on Trudy already. Yes. Yes. Basically, Von Neumann gave you the calculations of like, if you are standing at the exact center of town. Yes. He knows the longitude and latitude of the space dig. Yeah. And he calculated the angle at which you would want to fire this thing. Yes. The angle and the direction. Yes. So the direction, we will have to find a way. Yes. to know the exact direction when we're there. But in terms of the angle upwards,

we can put Trudy in that position now. You're just saying we need to arrange ourselves where we know what north is. We should need a compass. And we need to be super precise because it's not going to be like right, like being 0.001 degree off is millions of miles off.

Which is going to be very difficult while a bunch of fucking bisoners trying to fight us. Not millions of miles off, I will say. The moon is about 250,000 miles away from Earth. No, we're not shooting at the moon. I'm just using that as a comparison. I don't know where the dickhole is. It's not a million miles away

Because the earth is only 60,000 miles around, is my point. Okay. You know what? I was thinking they should put compasses in cars. They should. Say that again. My grandma had a compass on her car before GPS. A little bobby one.

A little wobbly one. Rit that shit off. Yes. Does their car have a wobbly compass? A wobbly compass. Yes, you know what? You see a Dinsmore dash compass in the car. I rip it off.

Oh, and then we can attach it right. I'm going to set it on my leg that is horizontal. Yes. Whatever the limb you're using to shoot, you should put the compass on that, like an iron site, essentially. So that is, that is pointing. So then I'm going to, just like if you're a film person and you're setting a little marks for a focus pole, I'm going to mark on the compass where north should be pointing. Okay. If you're aiming in that direction.

We will say that to hit your target in the Atlantic Ocean, yeah, you're aiming like so-and-so degrees east-northeast of you. at, you know, a certain precise degree marking. Shitiest fucking hitchcock moving. We should pause the car for a second, find that exact angle that the scientist told us, and then we will notch the compass where the north sign is currently pointing.

So that she has to match north through that sign again. You set her leg at the appropriate 49 degree angle. Yes. She's got a lot of space down there. We can even say you prepped this before you went on your little murder rampage with a forklift if you want to. Cool. However, the one thing I will say

is that now you have like this thing sticking out, which may make it harder to, you know, unless you're going to say that the guy in the tent. That's my dick. Trudy is practicing her man voice. Okay. Just so clarify, because like I don't want to be picky about this. Because I don't think she has to stick anything out.

Look. This is the dagger. Yes. Okay. It needs to be 49 degrees. So then Trudy, okay, Trudy, super tight. That's it. Remove the dagger.

Okay. Exactly. It is sheath to 49 degrees. She doesn't have to do this or this or this. she's just a perfect hole she's got a perfect hole she's got a great perfect hole she's got a lot of space down there and a perfect

hole. I don't want to be picky about it just like there's no show that's never hard about it. I'm not going to nickel dime you off her arms not out as far as everybody else concerned she's just got a robe on and there's nothing weird happening that rope. Fair enough the only thing I will say then is that two of your four arms are permanently locked in this position

and if you move them or they are jostled, you're going to have to reset that in the moment. That's going to be something else that's going to take time that you may not have. You approach the big tent at the center of time. You see this procession being let in. You see someone kicking and screaming as they're held back and restrained in this robe. And you see like two guys standing at the door as this procession kind of marches in. What do you do?

We've got the code. This two shall pass. Yeah, that's the code. Cool. What are the four of you? You are parked. We'll say sufficiently far away enough that no one has spotted. you yet. I think the move is Dr. Man leads us

his entourage into the middle of the and we move. Blake, walk confidently and we'll just behind you. Yes, we move with the confidence and quickness of someone a little late to a thing they should be at. You, I guess, are going to the head of the procession? No, we're just walking behind him, like, we're part of his entourage. No, but where are you going? I'm going to... I'm trying to cut

in front of the procession because I know I'm a little late. Okay, and so you're trying to get in ahead of them, essentially. Because you've got to be there to deliver. Yeah. Doctors's here. Doctor's here. Move out of the way. Move out of the way. Do you get to the front of the line, Blake? you can sense a feeling of relief from pretty much everybody here that you've decided to finally

fucking show up. One guy does a little like, whew! In fact, you see the two guys that are at the door, they see you in a motion quickly for you to come. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. And I go, okay, okay, okay, I'm going as first as I can. As you guys are approaching the line, everybody give me a spot hit and roll. Come on, I failed last time. Not this time, though. Two! Oh! Super duper success. What did everyone else get? Fumbled. Fumble. 59 miss.

That's very good. Don't you worry. Okay. So, Matt, as you were walking in, with your two, I'm going to make it right. You see a lot of stuff. All right. You can pretty much clock from the shape and the stagger and the wiggle in the junk in his trunk that the person who's been tied up is Sven Anderson, the blind Anderson brother. That's fine.

Once you clock that, you realize that there are four people in this procession. that seem to be like you, people in disguise. Oh, another plan. And the first thing you clock is that all four of them, instead of wearing the sort of bog standard cultist boots, they've got natty spats on. What does that be? Like gangster shoes.

You know what spats? Like, you know what spats are? I thought spats was like a nickname for like, it's like a tuxedo for your feet. No. They have like fancy shoes on. These guys have fancy shoes on. So there's four guys with fancy shoes on.

But that's all you can tell. You can tell that Sven Anderson is the guy who's being sacrificed. And there seemed to be four guys here. that are not standard bison's. And one of them has a sort of bulge underneath his robe, like slung across his back. But no one else seems to have hip to this yet.

Any idea who those people are? Ma Anderson, maybe. Or Ma'am, whatever. The gang. Oh, maybe they're trying to save... They've tried to save Ves. They've probably tried to save Venn. You know how to fucking do this.

You call them out, so we're trustworthy. Oh, yes, true. Who was at the door? You just see two guys in Bison masks at the door. There's like two cards, right? Yeah. I'm going to lean over to one of them and I'm going to point out,

Well, I understood. And I go, I don't think they're supposed to be here. Who are you pointing to? Those two. I point to... You point to the four people? Yeah. They'll do your job.

I would just take a quick look at them. Okay. All right. Thank you. Go in. Go, go, go, go. Damn, that felt dirty. But, you know...

You'll get over. Yeah. Can't let them stop. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. You see the procession move forward. Matt, as you're looking behind you, you see this guard. As one by one, these people come up.

He stops each of them and pulls them to the side. We're going to give them a roll in a second. Everyone else comes in. Blake, as you enter, you see it's almost like a kind of church set up in here. There's almost like a carpet and like candles leading straight towards where it would be the altar. You see a curtain hanging and you can see the giant sort of pulsing shape of something on the other side of this curtain. Oh man, it's scarier because I can't see it fully. You then see this sort of like snaking tendril like slithering out from underneath this.

curtain, and it's slithering up the emaciated body of what looks to be like a military officer, almost like this withered corpse. Its eyes are rolled back. The tendrils have, like, penetrated the back of its skull and seem to be puppeting this guy like a marionette. Dang, dude. Additionally, you see there are already a couple of bison's here. Unmasked, standing at a kind of pulpit, is Brian Strikes Mitchell, for Arch Nemesis Kelsey.

And he is presently sort of reading a hymn from, do you guys remember the Epiderminomicon? This is the big spooky flesh. book. How could we forget? He's reading from this flesh book and kind of chanting and providing a sort of malevolent aura to the proceedings. There are a couple other people you don't recognize. Muckety mucks, higher-ups that seem to be very pissed off

that Dr. Mann has taken so long to get here. Brian looks at you, Blake, and just galares at you. He is furious. I throw him one of these. E! He just rolls his eyes. Typical Dr. Man. The speaker looks at you as well. The speaker's eyes seem to slide and his head turns in your direction and he motions for you to stand

sort of opposite Dr. Mann where you see a dais and there is a potion sitting in a glass bottle on top of this thing and it seems to be swirling with a sort of like spermy energy frankly. It has a sort of bioorganic alien vibe to it. It's thriving and wriggling. It seems to be alive. This processional comes in. The seed bearer is brought forth and dropped to his knees. Matt, from where you're standing, you can still kind of peek outside a little bit. You see those

guards talking to our four friends and one by one, you see three of them bluff their way past this guard. Oh shit. Okay, good for them. But the fourth one fumbles his bluff. And in the middle of sort of talking, you seem stutter and you know, like you can't quite make out the conversation.

But one of the guards grabs him from him from the high and the other one yanks his head off and you see this is a hand up yikes his damn yin's bison mask off and you see

this gangster with like a scar down his face and like sleeping out and then they haul them off you know then you see they basically you just go stab

this shit out of this holy shit like they're not fucking around right now but the other three seem to have slipped past dang oh man

did they must have so good because there's a group could you imagine if you were a group of people sneaking in there was definitely one of you

that was everyone has now entered the tent The tent flap closes behind them and... Can't really make a tent flap closing seem sinister. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like an ominous door slams shut. You're right.

The Mitchedberg thing. You are now in this tent with, let's say, 20 Bisons. Oh, that's it in the whole time? Is that all? Let's say 30 Bisons. You moron. I was in my head, I thought it was like 300 Bison. I was just trying to be silly. I didn't know how it had consequences.

Maybe not everyone got invited to this part of this here. Okay. You know? There's a sort of. of tension in the air and Brian looks to you. To me.

The first line says Bring forth the bear. Oh, sorry, sorry, my bad. You look back at Brian. Look back at Brian and look back at Brian and be like, you fucking first, dude. And then he looks at he looks at this withered,

fucked up monster who snaps to attention. Its mouth opens and it says, bring forth the bearer. And I give up Brian like a fucking you're going to give me shit look? And then two of these guys grab Sven Anderson by the arms

and slam him down on the knees and pull his hood back. And he's freaking out. Again, he's blind because Francis scooped out both his eyeballs. He's like, and then I as Dr. Man. And what's Dr. Man sound like with voice wise? He's like, hello, I'm Doug. Hello, I'm Zer.

Glorious Mother, we present this champion as a humble vessel for the spirit of Zuzal. To hear movie times, press three. Colen, Godslayer. World saver. First of your loins. We beseech you now.

Take this man into your body and birth the one who will save our unworthy world. Has he suffered a great wound? Yes, oh, mother. Does he carry a heavy burden? Yes, oh, mother. Has he won a mighty victory? Yes, oh, mother. Which victory?

Then bring him forth and let him drink of the seed. Oh, good. They drag him forward. The speaker motions to that churning, bubbling liquid on the dais next to you. Okay. What color is it? What color is it? He said it was semeny.

Yeah. But what color is he? I pick it up. Is it warm? Oh, it's warm. Is it white? Is it creamy? It's warm and creamy.

It's a sort of like a greenish white. It looks like that milk that looks drinking. That happens sometimes. Oh, God. No, it does it. What? The right light, under fluorescence or something. You know a lot of asparagus.

I am colorblind. Everyone's come looks green in the curb, dude. In the clurb, we all come. They slam him down. And then, yes, the speaker gestures to the churning liquid on the dais next to you. And I pick it up.

And the second you pick it up. I don't know. You hear a voice say, Not so fast, pal. One of the guys steps forward, throws off his mask, revealing the face of Tor Anderson, Sven's brother,

as he produces a machine gun from under his cloak. And fires it off into the air. How close is he? to us. Yeah. We should figure out where you guys are. We're right behind him.

You were trying to stay as close as you could to the front. Yeah, right behind Blake. Oh, because you're right behind Blake. You're not up by the curtain, but you're right up front. Sven fires a warning shot into the air while two of his buddies scramble and go to grab Sven. See them. We are going to go ahead and start combat.

God damn it. Their agro is not on the two people behind Dr. Yeah, they're trying to make a clean getaway. Yeah. If we were to step back and just like, oh, like we're in the middle of circle. Like, we're just like, yeah, we're just grabbing. Yeah, I think we should. tell the other bison's to get a hold of these people.

What do we know about the sperm juice? That the seed bear drinks it. That's what makes them ready to be eaten by mama. So these are the things you know about the seed bearers, that they need to have a wound, carry a strange burden, and have won a great victory. That's what makes you a candidate to be a seed bearer. And I am technically a candidate as well.

Even if we wanted to give somebody else up, like we got to stop these people anyways. Yeah. These guys are going to get a surprise round. This was their little planned ambush. Tor, Anderson, for his surprise round, is going to pull out his Thompson submachine gun and open

fire at the Bisons. He held the gun sideways to allow the recoil to transfer across multiple horizontal targets. That's a pretty advanced. Whoever shot this was an expert shooter. I'm making a house ruling here because the rules don't really accommodate shooting at like this many people. We're going to divide the group into three

chucks. Orchestra section. Nice. Mezzanine. So we'll say the first third as he moves, the recoil of the gun is going to mean that he's going to incur penalty dice on his role. If he hits, we're going to say that he does damage. And then his damage role is going to translate to a certain number of guys getting, you know, mowed down by this thing. This is when he's in control of the gun.

He's starting at the back of the room. He wants to give his voice time to get his brother so he doesn't accidentally hit him. And he wants to clear a path to the back. So of the 30 bison's in the room. Of the first 10, he hits five of them. So five of them go down. He's moving the gun across. Now his aim is starting to get a little jittery and he's going to have a disadvantaged role.

That's why it always is better to fire in short, accurate bursts. And he fumbles the, uh, The second of the two rolls. I think with a fumble your gun jams, actually. Oh, hell, yeah. So the gun clicks shut. Ah! He is going to have to, on his next turn, unjam the gun before he could fire again.

And then his boys are going to go now. He has two boys. The boys. The boys. They're going to try to grab Tor and shoot their way out. This was essentially their ambush was to get into position to fire on these guys. These guys are not carrying big boy guns. They're carrying pistols because they need to have one arm free.

A little boy's gun. A little boys gun. So the first guy blows one of the guys' heads clean off. Just go blammo. Second guy is going to do his shots. And the other guy misses his shot. Okay. So now he's scuffling with one of the bison's while his friend grabs Tor and starts making for the exit guns blazing.

The mob of 30 is now down to 24. Damn. It is now Brian strikes Mitchell's turn. Okay. And he is going to read from the necronomicon. Oh, shit. Or nothing at the epidermicon. Your epidermis is showing.

What? Yeah, can he roll sanity check now that he knows his epitermis or something? Yeah. Damn. Can he check of his hand is bigger than his face? He is going to cast fist of Yogsath. Kastrakos is a massive invisible force to hit the target. He's going to put, let me just do the calculation real quick.

5D10 into his strength on this. So that gives him 37. And so now he's going to roll that 37 against. Good Lord. You know, Brian Stokes Mitchell's not one to be fucked with, I guess. Yeah. Apparently not. He blasts.

with this flying pulse of energy and it smacks him straight in the chest. However, he got a regular success on the strength of his spell and Tor got a super success on the ability to resist it. So that means he doesn't go unconscious, but he is knocked 20 feet

back over towards the entrance of the tent. I'm going to give him a dexterity roll to see if he holds onto his gun, which he passes just barely. His dex is 70, he got a 68. And so he lands at the ground and is staggering to fix his gun as this is all going on.

That was the surprise rounds. I shouldn't let Brian go yet. That's fine. We all held our turn. Yeah, we're like, let's see what this guy has. Let's see this play out. Okay, so Blake, it's your turn. I think I as a doctor, I'm here to just do the ritual. So I'm just going to cower and hide. Yeah, I guess

if we think that Brian Stokes-Mitchell's going to take care of this and we don't want to reveal ourselves as not part of the Bisons. Yeah. I think that's fair. Agreed. I'm going to see how this little menagerie plays out. All right. Francis, it is your turn. I would like to, if possible, in this cacophony, sneak out from under the cloak I am in

and see if I can pull one of the cloaks off of one of the guys that just got massacred. Okay. And wear that. So I can. So I can hide separately from Trudy. Okay. Interesting. Oh, man.

Give me a stealth roll. That is a 15 out of 90. Super duper success. You easily get over to the guy. If you do a strength roll and succeed, then we'll say you're able to pull it off of him as hard as you can and like strip the thing off of him in one move. Or you won't have to roll, but we'll say you have to do two more stealth roles over the next two turns to be able to do the entire thing unseen. And those roles will be a disadvantage. Ultimately, could I just take his bison mask?

Sure. Let's do that. You don't want the robe? Not right now. All right. So you got the bison mask. Cool. Bison mask is on.

Is that my whole turn? We'll say that's a free action to pick that up. So yes, you picked up the mask, you can do one more thing. I would like to run up to the guy that's trying to run away with Sven and am I going to fast talk him or am I going to kill him? I'm going to kill him. Okay, so now you're going to make an attack on the guy who just shot somebody, we'll say, right? Yeah. That is a 25.

My fighting brole is 71. That is a super success. Okay. So he is going to fight back. He fumbled, though. So you absolutely get a free hit on him with your katana. So roll for damage. That's going to be nine damage.

Yeah, you brutally black him. And we'll say that because he fumbled, in attempting to fight back, he has dropped his pistol. Great. So now he's just melee against you. Is Sven tied up? Like, can he run away? His arms were bound. I think part of the ritual would be untying him at some point, but he's bound for now.

Kelsey, it is your turn. I just saw Francis run and stab the guy who was taking Sven. Mm-hmm. Who was the guy with the machine gun? That is Tor. Tor. And he's on the ground. Guns jammed.

One guy got killed on the ground also. And then where's the third person? Is that mama? That's just another goon. So he's another one of his gangster buddies And he's the guy who's tried to shoot One of the other guys, but missed And so he's currently kind of brawling with that guy

I feel like Sven is the biggest target Like obviously the other bicycle got to Sven And Sven's trying to unjam this thing I'm just going to pull out one of my derringers But I'm just keeping my hands in my robe And I'm just going to shoot at the two people That are fighting each other Like pocket pool

Yeah like no you'll hear a gunshot I don't think anybody's gonna know where it comes from Okay So I'm just going to go You know Okay so that is going to be a disenfirm advantage aim. Okay. And which one are you trying to shoot? You're a gangster. All right. So you give me a disadvantaged firearms roll. I miss. Your shot goes wide and it's going to sales into the room.

Give me an advantaged stealth role to see if no one notices this. 19. Okay. But my stealth's 20, so which is barely. No one notices this whole pop out of your robe and no one seems to have noticed you yet. And then I will drop to the floor like I'm avoiding gunfire. Who shot that? Oh my God. The Bisons, so I gave them a sanity roll to see how well they were going to do with all of this sudden burst of violence. They got a 93, which is a failure. So what I am then going to do is because it was such a bad failure, I'm going to do a 1D4 to do the number of them that managed to keep their wits together. And then those will be the ones who are up and attacking.

And I rolled a 2. Whoa. So you know what they say every, you know, of a hundred man, 10 or a soldier, and one is a warrior. So two warriors stand up And again, they're going to get two To do this roll every turn So the number of them Continuing to go up

Is going to increase One of them is going to make a run At Sven and just try to pin him down And the other one is going to Attack the same guy that you were shooting at I will say it's the guy who's brawling with him In point of fact So first guy is going to make his fighting brawl roll

One of them is going to make a run at Tor and just try to pin him down And the other guy is just going to attack the guy That you were shooting at And Tor fails So Tor is now pinned down and he's reaching for this gun next to him. The other guy fighting Torres Goon

is going to take out a knife and take a stab at him. Ooh, he goes for a lunge, and they both got great successes on this. He rolled a 13, but then Torres Goon rolled an 11, and they have the same score for fighting brawl. So he just narrowly dodges this sort of vicious stab. So he is still up as well.

It is now, Trudy's turn. Trudy, thinking about the long game, is going to stop. try to place a stick of dynamite under where Brian will be. You said he was on a podium, right? Yes. Yeah, she's going to stick it under the podium. Okay.

We're going to treat this like an unlit stick of dynamite. So like if one of you guys shoots it later, it'll blow up and kill him. Is that the idea? Yeah. Okay. Did we detonate it before? You pressed a button on it and then threw it because it takes a couple seconds. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. But if you shoot, it'll blow up. Yeah. I'll give you that. Yeah. Okay, cool, cool.

It's an explosive charge. Yeah, cool, cool. So you are going to sneak past Brian and plant a stick of dynamite. Yes. Okay. Give me an advantage stealth roll because shit's pretty crazy right now. It's pretty crazy way. She should push stealth next time and see if you can tie his shoelaces to the dynamite.

Oh, yeah. Whoa. I got a five. Wow. Yep. I'm kidding. That's like a super success. What's your stealth?

My self is 39. Okay, so yes. With that, you just ever. effortlessly skulk past him and stick this dynamite under the dais and he doesn't even know that it's there and then she's why she's like i'm so scared okay i love that it is now sphen's turn okay so sphen is going to run uh he's blind he's blind okay he's going to make a break for it like in fargo he's got a really lousy dexterity role if he makes his role he will make it halfway out of the room and if he makes one more he will make it another halfway out of the room because

he's got to basically manage this gauntlet does he know where the exit is Yeah, he's, I'm facing this way, I'm going to turn around and run directly behind me. Okay. Is what he's planning on. He makes a run for it and eats shit. So we'll say he gets a couple of steps and then just staggers and clon to the ground. Although we will see he then scurries like a rat and maneuvers his bound ropes around so his hands are now in front of him. So he can pick something up if he can grow up around and find something.

Okay. I'm just like hiding the sperm. And I want to spend my turn now trying to discern what I can about the sperm. What? It's your typical spurn discern, Matt. I don't see what the fuck is your problem, Matt? I can't look at the sperm flask and figure out what's going on with it. Tards are the most...

I'm going to kick the gun away from TOR. Nice. Okay, you're going to kick the gun away from TOR? You said TOR was reaching TOR, right. Okay, that's great. You run over. Give me a dexterity roll to kick the gun. Uh, hoop.

26 off a 75. That's what we call. A six-Satter the fucking Tommy gun away from him. Oh, I even pick it up? I pick it up. I just go casually pick it up. Nobody would question Dr. Mann shooting him. You're part of the team.

I pick it up, but I'm not shooting him yet. You pick up the gun. Sick. So he's pinned down. So the first thing he's got to do is make... Tor on the floor. Torr's got to make a strength check to Hulk out and break out of his bonds here, which he does not make. So yes, this guy is pinning down.

He's like, but he's not able to bust out. So he is still restrained. Tours boys are now going to go. Boy number one, the one that you slashed, Francis, is going to take a shot at you. I'm going to dodge. Okay, give me a dodge roll. I got a 22, half decks, 30. So I've succeeded a normal success.

In the case of a tie, the side with the higher skill wins. So yours is it 30? Yes. Okay, his fighting brawl is 60. He draws this knife and goes to stab you with it. And it finds purchase. Now. Francis.

Two things are going to happen. One is the damage and the other is the mean thing. So first he's going to roll his damage. 1D4 plus 2. So 6 damage. Jeez. All right, I have 2 HP left. How much HP do you have?

eight that is a major wound so give me a constitution roll i succeeded okay so you don't pass out that you get a knife just stabs into your chest oh my god give me a luck roll i only have one luck i'm gonna oh wait wait wait wait hold seven six seven six seven i've got a number in my head is not six seven make that's exactly what he would say if it was six seven six nine it was forty three oh boo that was the boring number so since you have failed your luck roll as you are stuck you stagger back and your mask falls off. Oh, no. As the mask rolls off, other people around start to look at you.

Sure. And you hear that distinct crowd noise of, huh. Francis, run. Kelsey, it's your turn. Kelsey, she sees everybody saw that. And there's chaos, right? People are running around.

Yes, but yes, you see that his mask got knocked off on his head. I'm going to tackle Francis. Nice. That's a good move. I shoot right next to his head. That's a great move. right next to his head. Wow, that's smart.

And then kind of sit over because, like, my robe's covering him. And then I started looking at him and I was like, who's next? Who's next? We got to keep the ritual going. That rules. I say it with like a man's voice. Brian! First you're going to do.

That's where I got one of them. You get the others. Kelsey, you're so good at that. First, who's Kelsey? I'll kill you too. First give me the tackle. I would consent to it too. Yeah, but you don't know that it's fucking Kelsey.

You just see a bison coming at you tackling you. I can't recognize Kelsey's signs? I mean, if you want to give me a role for a woman. I'm glad you gave me a roll for it, but the whole point is that you guys look like everybody else. This comes down to, have you been watching the way Kelsey walks this whole whole time? Is he a half a teacher? He's got it bad. So bad.

If I go to him and I pour all my derringer, he knows I have a derringer. Yeah, he knows who are outstanding, like, and I can say, Kelsey, like, right before I shoot or whatever. You just like shout anything and I'll recognize your voice, even if you're pretending to be somebody. I think. Francis, make a spot hit and roll to see if you see the derringer.

I don't. Okay. So all that's going to mean is we're just going to treat it like a normal attack. You have an opportunity to do something very funny here. Kelsey,

give me a fighting brawl role. Yeah, my fine. I got 64 fighting brawl. This is a week, we'll treat this as a maneuver to tackle him to the ground. I roll a 22. Are you going to fight back or dodge?

I guess dodge? You're not going to shishka-bop Kelsey with a katana. Dodging is always the smart move in my opinion. So you're going to dodge. So give me your dodge roll. 95. Okay, perfect.

nice so matt you slam into francis you tackle him to the ground the second i see the derringer i'm like when it goes off i blam you fire the shot off next to his head and then i act like i'm part of the bison's and i start saying so what do you say yeah i go go go one check if there's any more take down that guy over there and i're looking where uh i guess whatever the other one is thor okay sick and then i put my Darren Joe way, and then I just get back into like a feeble scared position. Because again, nobody's still watching me. And we're all just in robes.

It's a really bad idea, by the way. If you're ever running a cult, just as a thing. Don't have all ropes. Don't have masks and ropes. I get it. It's fun. It's a recipe to have a group of near-do-well sneak in that disrupt the proceedings.

You're essentially just asking for people to do Rar as a lost dark at any second. At any moment. It's the bison's turn. They passed their sanity role this time. They quickly bum-rush, spend and grab him and then his two goons are subdued as well. The rest

of the bison's come to their wits and in a quick blur of action these interlopers are subdued and order seems to be tentatively resolving itself in the room. Yay! So glad I got stabbed for this. I whisper to you and I hand you a derringer

I hand you two derringers. I kind of shake my cloak because you know I got I got 13 derringers. I'm like I'm essentially telling you like take a couple. So a couple of garages rattled out. So, but the first thing that happens, okay, so he's just lying dead on the ground? Yeah, I'm playing dead. Yeah, how many Derringers do you take?

I'm going to take one because I can easily conceal one, I think. Okay, so I have 12 left. I shot one, and he took one. Sven is grabbed by a bunch of guys. His two dudes are grabbed as well and summarily stabbed in the chest. You see, um, damn, dude. Yeah, these guys are not fucking around. So yes, his two dudes are murdered.

Sven is like, Tor, Tor, where are you, buddy? Where are you brother? And Sven says, I'm over here. Don't fucking let him see you cry. Don't let him see. And then he gets another fucking dagger in the chest and the door spurts up blood. Sven just lets out this moan and starts sobbing.

It's sad that he never got over his toxic masculinity even in the final moment. Still didn't think it was okay. Still didn't think it was okay to cry. Tori sopping. Now, while that is happening, two go up to Francis and go to pick him up as well

and immediately see that he does not have a bullet in his brain. I am bleeding, though, out of through the chest with a knife. Yeah, where you got stabbed. But then they also saw you get shot in the head. Can I respond to them approaching him? Because I'm standing, like, on top of him. Like, I put my foot on his chest and shot at his head. And I still got my foot on his chest, like a fucking prize, like a shot a trophy.

I also will say bullet holes are not always the most noticeable thing in the world, especially from a really small. So when they approach it, I go, I'll take care of this one. I want its ears. Whoa. I look at them with a bison mask. It's like, this one's ears are mine. They just free, are you like, are you going to take air of him? Well, I'll take his ears when we're done with a ceremony.

We're not. We're not. We're not. We're not. A corpse in the middle of this sacred ceremony, brother. We've got to move him out of the way. I'm a seed bearer, okay? I'm a spare.

Yeah. They've milkinged me a lot of it. Wait, what? He's a spare seed bearer. I don't want to tell them. Fair enough. Fair enough. And then I look at him angrily, and I'm going to grab Francis and I kind of like

hang him over my shoulder, like a backpack. It's like, worry about your own business. Let's go. I'm not letting anybody else take his ears. I know you guys. You guys want his ears. Give me a. I sling him over the shoulder and then I look away like just fucking I'm done with them like I look back towards the ceremony and I'm like I'm just ready like the equivalent of somebody being like man man you have to pay for that man okay so you hoist Francis over your shoulder he's now drooped over and then I look to Blake's like you know you're doctor man you could fucking help out here and tell them like fucking hurry on why you guys wasting time doing this I'm like let's get going everyone sort of falls back in line Brian Mitchell sort of turns and drops to one knee in front of the speaker it says forgive us

oh mother for this interruption, but everything is okay, everything is, we can proceed as planned, we can proceed, we have the seed, we have the bearer, let us commence with the ritual, and he snaps at you Blake. Ah, yes, and I'm going to uncork the sperm thing. Okay. And start pouring it down the dude's throat,

as you cross to go to Sven, you hear the speaker suddenly say, wait, silence! And then another tentacle slithers out from underneath this curtain and starts feeling its way through the crowd and the speaker says this one this Sven he weeps he flees from mother's blessing he is an insufficient offering

and she murmuring from everybody Brian's like but but he passed the trial he passed everything silence this one is unacceptable And this tentacle just goes up to Sven and just snaps his neck. Oh, shit. Full-blown panic from the Bisons. And Brian is like, but-b-b-b-b-b-mother, our world is doomed. Mother cares not for your world. Mother cares for what is best for mother's son for Zuzel.

Francis is going to grab Kelsey's shoulder and like squeeze to like, hey, look at me. I can't look at you, but what-up. I can't look at you, but what I'm like very carefully trying to step back. slowly with that way. Because I feel like everyone's looking at this thing. Homer through the hedge. Yeah.

We can keep somebody backwards. What, Francis? I'm the only other seat barrier in this room. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm walking away. Mother requires a substitute. If I don't go in.

And one yet reveals. It's Nicholas Cage from Faceoff. Suddenly, there's a blast of energy and the curtain at the back of the room falls, revealing Mother in all of her glory.

Oh, shit. I'm going to close my eyes for you. Oh, you're facing the other way. Oh, great. Oh, sick. What's going on? What's going on? You behold, a whale-sized heap of pillowy pulsating flesh. A sticky, sweet odor blooms from the syrupy pus drooling out of its gaping, slit-like mouth.

Whispy hair like tendrils poke out from its skin in the thousands, dancing like reeds in the wind. Atop its flapping ma, a hooded cluster of dutty eyes gases down at all of you with the soft benevolence of a mappy's love. And as Mother is revealed, this tendril after having seen, snapped Sven's neck, Kelsey, you feel it curl around your leg and run up your leg towards Francis. And you hear the speaker say, Mother requires a substitute, someone who is brave, someone who coweres not back from fear, someone with a special gift she can sense in the air, one whose heart still beats and whose blood drips on the floor. And then the tentacle heals one of your eyelids open, Francis

and says, Mother demands the boy. You can have them after I get my ears. Mother, mother fear me I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies Twisted in my mind and now I'm gone swallowing my dreams and making them scars too far, too far away, but I'll stay today.

Thanks for listening. Thank you for continuing to listen. You're one that elite few who are either too far away from your podcast player to skip this part or like listening to our credits. Either way, glad to have you, while I have you, consider perusing the nearly 1,000 hours of bonus audio and video content available on our Patreon. Bonus shows, ad-free episodes, videos, some bonus videos we got in the hopper, in fact. Beth, teaching everyone how to juggle, us going to a build-a-bear and doing a build-a-bear. We're finishing this one up right now.

Beth playing the infamous and hard-to-find horror game, PT, I kept it on my PS4. We get up to a lot of malarkey. And that malarkey can be fully experienced at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Also nailhouse.com. Trade your lucre for print media and exclusive backer merch for Matt and mine next martial arts action comedy feature film. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer. Anthony Burch is Francis Farnsworth. Will Campos is our DM.

Beth May is Trudy Trout and myself. Freddie Wong is Blake lively. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Maxis and Waller. Anisa Omran is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Courtney Terry is our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager. Esther Els is our lead editor, Travis Reeves, Omar Romlino, and Brian Fernandez provide additional editing.

Our show is supported by our Patreon, so shout out to these folks. Diggedy Daxter, Beth and Godfrey, Internet Surfer, Robert, Evan Laritsyn, Cody Isle, Kenneth Wampler, Jordan Scolier, Leslie, Reader Girl 0401, Dawson, Kelsey, Simon Beerenbaum, John Cade, Kate, Riley Walter, Zach Roth, Jessica Playford, Kyle Overholt, and Michael Jenkins. Get more content and support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and ads, merch and more at dungeons and dags.com. Our next episode, the last one for season three. Coming at you, December 2nd.

We'll see you then. All that I can see is a hole in the star. Swallowing my dreams and making them scars. Too far, too far away. But I'll stay today. All that I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away

that I'll stay to day.