Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 4 – Peachyville Confidential

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Shocking secrets spill forth as Big Shane grills Kelsey, Trudy, and Tony about their ties to the Communist Party. Meanwhile, Francis remembers what it means to be a hero.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Tony Collette is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, is hitting the road this summer from May 31st through June 14th. We're doing part two of our US live tour. I came up with the name for this one. It's called the Areas Tour. Dungeons and Daddies, the Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're hitting the road again. Midwest and East Coast states on sale. Tickets are available now. We're starting up in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham, Tennessee, Atlanta, New York,

Philadelphia, and Boston. Wow. More info on our website, dungeonsanddais.com, slash live. Dungeons and Dais is brought to you this week by Cozy. It's a Canadian company. They design furniture made for modern living. For modern Canadians. But wait, you said there, but modern living, you said it's in Canada though.

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They're made to adapt to their customers' needs in time, so it's like you can grow out! If you need more furniture, you need to grow out the sectional, your space is rearranged, Cozy's got you covered. Add a couple more logs to that cabin. But also, while the whole time, that's not furniture, stunning and timeless. It's not just stuff that you put inside, they got outdoor sofas and tables as well. The table collection is called the Mistral. They got high quality, again, modular sofa. It's sectionals made for outside living. Aluminum frames designed to resist saying weather

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Yes, Queen, but as a customer that means you can go visit and engage physically with those pros Don't be so seductive if you're in the yyz go and visit their furniture store on Queen Street You don't have to do it online like the rest of the Canadians. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y.C-A. Start customizing your furniture today! Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. the Nebraska wilderness is alive with sound. Crickets. Creeks. Critters.

And some say the leathery flapping wings of a monster. Just behind me, over that hill, lie the ruins of the Foggy Creek coal mine. Old timers from around here know to stay well away as it was the site of a terrible tragedy in 1845 when it became the birthplace of the legend of Bug Boy. Bug Boy, also known in some regions as Mossman. You gotta help me! I saw some monsters, but they weren't monsters, they were an adult bowling team! And all my friends got arrested and I think Sneaky Pete is out here and oh god, I'm having a panic attack!

I gotta hide! I gotta go to Miss Grammer's house and maybe disguise myself or something, I don't know! I don't know what to do! Wait, wait, what are you doing out here? Are you with the Bullers too? Stay, stay away from me! Freak us out! Wait, wait, come back here!

My god, did you get that? Jesus, what a freakazoid! Just catching my breath. And who the hell is Sneaky Pete? I am! Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Just catching my breath. And who the hell is Sneaky Pete? I am! Help! Help! Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This season a Peachy podcast. We're doing the Peachyville Horror. He's gone rogue. A Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. I'm fast talking used car salesman Tony Collette Tony Collette T Collette I've been collecting ready, but what's your name? You say your name?

You were just like I'm fast car talking news car fucking deep ease into this character I just I'm fast talking used car salesman Tony Collette. Who are you? But who are you? Oh, that's right. I'm Freddie Wong. Oh, no. Sorry, my mind is scattered. I've been doing fucking tour prep shit all day. Another late night record. Another late night record. Right before a tour. We're excited.

No, I've been up for a long time. I play Tony Collette. I got my COVID booster last night and I'm still a little flu-y. Are you? Are you, Will? I am a little. It's going to be great. I'm going to be a little flu-y.

Are you? Are you, Will? I am a little. It's going to be great. I've been collecting little phrases from marketing materials for movies from this era. And there's this like movie that came out in the 50s. That's like a circus movie. It was a great show on earth, I believe.

It was like it won the Oscar. Anyway, the point is you may see some of these phrases showing up, but this week's P.G. fact about Tony. Tony thinks smoking is effeminate and hate. He's only doing it to fit in with all the cool boomers. That's what they're calling them. Even had this new generation. Four years old. When do you think they started smoking? That's fair. They were exposed to it at a young age,

including lead and gasoline, so you know. Yeah, well there you go. He's just trying to fit in. He's trying to be cool by smoking cigarettes. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachyville's happiest and snappiest school arm. And if school weren't cool, how come everybody goes to it?

Look. Damn. Wow. You got us there, man. Holy shit, Aristotle. I really need to thank him. A little fact about Kelsey, one of the big innovations, one of the promises that Kelsey has for her encyclopedia

that she wants everybody to know as she's doing it, is that all letters are created equal. All letters are beautiful, and every letter will get their own edition. X, Y, and Z will not share one book, neither will J or K. Like, this encyclopedia treats every letter the same. They're all beautiful.

She's not cutting any corners. Is every letter gonna get the same amount of pages? That's not cutting any corners. Is every letter going to get the same amount of pages? That's not, look. When I say all letters are created equal, I'm saying... Some are more equal than others. Some are more equal than others. They all get their own books. They all get their own separate but equal and cyclic books. Oh my god.

Oh no! I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Varsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. Francis's peachy fact is that his favorite supernatural horror urban legend is Bloody Mary. Because when he heard that if you look in a mirror and say Bloody Mary three times she appears, he went home and picked some flowers from his garden. He got some chocolate.

Oh no. And flicked his hair back. No. And said Bloody Mary into his mirror. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. And he got stood up. But he has a feeling that he's just gotta make himself worthy of Bloody Mary in the back of his mirror. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. And he got stood up, but he has a feeling that he's just gotta make himself worthy

of Bloody Mary in the back of his mind. Oh my gosh, that's beautiful. He got stood up by Bloody Mary and sad. That's a doo-wop song if I've ever heard one. Yeah. Is there some kid that's lied about saying Bloody Mary? Bloody Mary. He's like jealous, he's like oh.

Oh yeah, Shane the next day was like, yo, I fucked Bloody Mary. I fucked her, she put it out. She gave me a handy like, I guess she thought you were too ugly. Bloody Mary touched me immediately. Fulked her three times, yeah. My name, hi, is Beth May.

This guy probably wants to fuck the candy man. And I play Trudy Trout. Trudy is a doting wife, homemaker and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Peachy fact about Trudy this week. Trudy has nerves of steel and will ride any roller coaster, regardless of safety regulations. She once pet a tiger at a zoo back when that was legal. Wow. Was it legal? Of course. I mean, we all saw a documentary about this.

There's zoos where you can do that now. Yeah, right. But these were mainstream zoos, you know, respectable zoos, respectable, legitimate zoos where you can do that now, Freddie. Yeah, you're right. But these were mainstream zoos, you know? Respectable zoos. Respectable, legitimate zoos. Hi, everyone. I'm your daddy master, William Campos. You're just looking good again today, Will. You just, you really bring, I just want to say, you're great.

Thank you, Matt. I needed that little shot in the NBA. My peachy fact for all of you is some good news You can lose up to 40% of your blood and not die Yeah, you know don't take me to the bank on that but that was what the internet said So blood is there you have one point five gallons like lose it you lose how much of it? 40% 40 and beyond you're probably gonna die but up till then you're good to go. Wow. So, you know, just some more juice.

That's all I'm saying in my life that I thought I'd know. That's a lot. That's nine and a half cups. Yeah, I can't even drink that much. You're supposed to drink that much every day in water. I've been drinking only eight cups of blood a day. You can't like drink your blood back into you, right? No. Okay. I mean, you can, you can.

It just won't become your blood again. I feel like that's one of those things that's good to, look, I know it's a stupid question, but I feel like that's one of those good things to check. Because can you imagine if you could and then I didn't do it when I could have because I didn't ask a question? That's why there's no stupid questions.

You ask these things. Matt, we should just put it unironically into a movie where the guy's like, I need blood. They're like, I'm a, we can't find the vins. I give it to me. Drinks it and he's fine. Get that cup. It's still good on the floor. Fine. I did it. I did it. Fine. I'm good. I can't find a vein. That's okay. The Fury road is them doing the weird thing where he's like, he's just like picking a cup up and pouring it in like dramatic where they're like, actually the reason that they don't normally do this

is because it tastes yucky. Yeah. That's why they normally get it in your arm. And the guy who gets the transplant is a supertaster. He's like, no, I don't want it. That's drama. Supertaster hates all blood, you know what I'm saying? What the fuck are we talking about?

Except one kind of one, oh, negative, you know? Do you guys want to do a podcast? Let's do it. All right. Before we exsanguinate. You know, do you guys want to do a podcast? So when we last left off three of you had been arrested one of you absconded into the woods A whole split party thing. We're dealing with now Francis is like his own Hiding under your film noir because you have a bunch of stolen money in your closet. Yes, Francis is hiding under Kelsey's bed.

A gangster is just banged on the door demanding your money. And he also just found a pile of loose cash and what Matt Arnold described as a mystery closet. This is weird, right? So that's what's going on with the Francis. The rest of you got arrested for your crimes. This is weird, right? So that's what's going on with the Francis. The rest of you got arrested for your crimes.

And we just revealed that Big Shane Silva plans on interrogating you one by one in a very special interrogation room set up by your own daddy-o master, me, Will Campos. And that's gonna be something that we do. And also, by the way, you'll know this is taking up a room that I use, well, for two weeks. For two weeks, that's right.

I don't care. I'll take over Freddie's whole apartment. So we are going to do- Did you know that you can lose 40% of your apartment before you get away? No. So we are going to do our very first retcon at the start of this episode, which is,

cinematically, we did want to reveal the interrogation room by having Kelsey experience it firsthand. But we are now going to say that the first person to walk in there was Kamoan Wong. You robbed Kelsey in that moment? OK, that's fine. I just need a moment to readjust Kelsey's perspective. I just want to look at this fucking stew in it

a little bit, right? So what's so Kelsey going to come back and tell us about what? No, no, I haven't gotten in yet. Kelsey never went in. Kelsey has not gone in yet. Are you talking about Matt Arnold went in? Yeah. Matt Arnold went in to experience the real thing. Yeah, Matt Arnold did go in first, so I still win. Matt Arnold gone in yet. Kelsey has not gone in yet. Oh, you're talking about Matt Arnold went in. Matt Arnold went in to experience the real.

Yeah, Matt Arnold did go in first, so I still win. Matt Arnold went in first, and now whoever the other team can go second. Yeah, real separation of the character and actor. The character stays, the actor goes. So Kimon Juan has been in there for like an hour. She's talking, dude. And all of you are sick.

My mom's a snitch. Yeah. You're not there, Francis. Excuse me. I can feel it. You're the snitch. I always knew Francis's mom was a no good snitch. Dude and all of you So she's in there talking the three of you watch the four of you cuz BB Britannica blue is in here as well are just stewing in this cell together. What do you guys do? How are we getting out of here? You know the pig luck child? She's a smart judge detective's just a smart detective crime solving child. Mr. Collette, my family has one rule,

and that's don't squawk and don't talk to cops. That's two rules, but it's really one rule when you think about it, so my plan is to go in there and not say anything. BB, what do your parents do? My parents? Yeah. I don't really, you know, they do stuff.

They do stuff? You're a detective, you should know more than that. Well, you know, I don't really detect my parents that much. You know, my dad, he does like business stuff at an insurance company. BB, BB, has your parents ever known anyone acquainted with the American Communist Party? My parents? Yes, either of them.

How dare you? I'm just asking good questions. How dare you? Let's not. How dare you? Hey, hey, we're Gutteral Scream. We're a team for a reason. Let's stay together, OK, Tony?

As long as we all keep our heads here, I think maybe we'll get out of this OK., Tony. Can you apologize BB's a good girl? Which means there's absolutely no way her parents could be that's the only Is my blood which I'm gonna bout to make you lose 40% of mr. Keep talking like that. Oh very well I was just testing you you see how you respond tells you whether or not you know You hear And Trudy is doing pull-ups on one of the bars Hamilton yes, I heard that in jail people

Exercise it is so good for your health. Okay. I'm gonna try doing what she's doing. Okay, give me a strength roll. Mm, mm. Mm. Mm. Oh, I got a four. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh, that boxing training. Yeah, Kelsey is just getting at it.

You describe it, paint me the picture. What exercises were you doing? I was doing pull- She's doing her teagles, dog. I was doing- Just sitting there squeezing, dog. Just sitting there clenching, bro. It's pull ups when it's this way and chin ups when it's this way.

Pull ups is when your hands are heading out, yep. Chin ups is when your biceps towards your chin so you can kiss them. Okay, so she was doing pull ups. No, those are chin ups. So Kelsey starts doing pull ups too. Kill me. Oh my God.

Which one am I doing, Freddie? Pull ups. Okay, I'm doing pull ups too. And then as I'm talking... Pull ups too, the? Pull-ups. Okay, I'm doing pull-ups too. And then as I'm talking. Pull-ups too, the sequel to pull-ups. She's doing pull-ups and then as she's doing them, she lets go of one hand and is pointing at her teammates, but still doing the pull-ups.

Like one hand, one hand. It's like, look, we're guttural scream, okay? You know what? I don't know what Bibi's parents are, but she's right. Like we're not going to tell each other, but we can tell the truth because we didn't do anything wrong. We were attacked, let's just stay together. We got this.

And you had great forms there, Trudy. Oh wow, those are some fancy pull-ups there. Well thank you. A voice says, as another older lady, that's for you Matt, you know, another older lady, you guys probably know each other. Okay, just because we're both old doesn't mean we're friends, we don't all know each other.

An older lady with a pair of spectacles comes in and she says, hi there, I'm Mrs. Pickett. Oh, I know you Mrs. Pickett. Oh, it's good to see you Kelsey. I wish I could say the same. Who would have thought you'd be a pinko commie bastard? That's really surprising to me. Whoa, whoa.

But I was just, you know me, I'm the nice receptionist here and I was just, just wanted to see if y'all wanted anything to drink while you were waiting. Could be a while, don't you know? Oh yes, I would love some sweet tea. Oh, sweet tea, we've got a little bit of that. We've also got maybe some jello pudding or jello salad. Bring us bread.

Bring us bread. Okay. We have some stuff left over from the police potluck, don't you know? Okay. Well, yeah, we'll take everything and I would like unsweetened tea. Okay, well, we'll see. Kelsey.

Yeah. It's good to see you, dear. No, that makes sense. It would be good to see me if I was you. Okay. Yeah. So Mrs. Pickett walks away. What's your deal with that lady?

She's such a, I can't even say the word because we have a child here. Bibi, close your ears. Bibi plugs her ears. Yeah, say the word. She's the worst. That's the worst thing I can say about somebody. Literally, of all of everybody I know, she's the worst.

Oh my God. She's the worst. All right, so just- She cheats at bingo, I'll just say that. Cheats at, how can you cheat at bingo? They call it a number. She finds the worst. Oh my God. She's the worst. All right, so just- She cheats at bingo, I'll just say that. Cheats at, how can you cheat at bingo? They call the numbers. She finds a way. Hold on, wait, slow down.

She's got a grip for cheating at bingoes? Because they call the number and then you mark it. And then the first thing they do, if you have a bingo- Are you taking her side Tony? I thought we were a team. I thought we were a team. They check all the numbers which they know they've called.

No, I don't want to talk about it. Because then they look at you. I know. It's like, I've never won, and she wins all the time. But sure, take her side. I thought we were a team, but whatever. So just then, the door opens, and Kamoan Wan and Ed, her lawyer, walk out.

And she's not making eye contact with any of you guys. She's just briskly walking out the door. Oh, hi. Oh, Kamoan. Hi. Hi, yeah. Yeah. She sang like a canary. And she walks out the door. Oh, hi. Oh, come on. Hi. Hi, yeah, yeah. She sang like a canary. And she walks out the door,

and Big Shane steps out, and he says, all right, you're next. And he points to you, Matt Arnold. I meant you, Matt Arnold. He points to you, Kelsey Grammer. All right, Kelsey, let's go. Can I have my lawyer? Yeah, oh, that's right, Milton's here.

Oh, no, how dare, Milton is not my lawyer. Yes, I'm right here. Milton's been trying to hold your hand the entire time. Oh my God. As you're doing pull-ups, he's been like holding your hand. He's like, it's okay, it's gonna be fine. I look on my other hand, but I'm still doing pull-ups. That's okay.

And I'm bashing away. No, Milton, I really, you know what? If you could help me as a lawyer, why don't you go find me a real lawyer? Okay, I'll go do that. Okay, great. But, okay, how do I do that? You are a smart child, and you have a lot of gumption. I'm sure you've very good at it. Thank you. a smart child and you have a lot of gumption.

I'm sure you're very good at that. Thank you. Oh, okay. You have a lot of gumption too. Do you know what that word means? Mrs. Grammar, Mrs. Grammar. The way you said it doesn't sound like the way I said that word.

I don't like the way you said it looking at me. Just go, just go. What word, gumption? Yeah, stop, what's that extra syllable? Stop. Go, Milton. What's wrong with the way, Kelsey, just, I don't want, Mrs. Grammar, I don't, I don't, what's wrong with the way, Kelsey just, I don't want, Ms. Kramer, I don't,

Yes, Milton. I don't, what's wrong with the way I say gum chum? Absolutely nothing. You're a good little boy. Go find me a lawyer, please. Okay. And he walks off. He's like, all right, let's go.

Fine, that sounds totally legal, sure, I'll go. Whatever you want, sir. Okay, so. Oh my God, they're walking away in real life. Talk amongst yourselves. Do you think he lets Kelsey have a Coke in there? Can I bring my Coke in there? I don't mind out. Oh. Matt, I don't care if you bring his Coke. real life. Talk amongst yourselves. Do you think he lets Kelsey have a coke in there? Can I bring my coke in there? Oh, no.

Are I under the light? You don't want me under the light? Oh, that's right. I keep doing that. You've already shown weakness. Kelsey sits down and is like, oh, sir, do you want me to sit underneath the scary light? Go ahead and sit under the scary light, please. Okay, well, it's just you were sitting underneath it. I thought you've done this before. I have done this before. Check, check, check. State your name for the record, please. My name is Kelsey Grammer.

What's your middle name? Do you need to know that? I do. It's part of the form. OK, well, it's Kelsey. OK, well, you know what? My parents didn't give me a middle name. Did you have no middle name?

No, they said when I'm ready, I can choose a middle name. I know it in 49 years. I've never found a name that quite fits me. So I'm Kelsey Grammer. OK, Mrs. Grammer. Yes. Can I get you anything? Kelsey tea, coffee, Miss Pickett makes a mean cup of tea.

No, she's awful, by the way. She's the worst. Why do you hire her? Well, I disagree with that. I find her to be a warm woman. Yeah, you would. Never mind then. You know, my son, Shane, he speaks very poorly of you.. What that's a good thing. He's an idiot. Oh, okay

Well, I'm disappointed in both of you frankly. Well, I don't care. Okay, that's not gonna keep me up at night You know, you've got quite a reputation in this town Kelsey grammar. Thank you, you know, everyone Yeah, everyone knows you. Mm-hmm, but they don't know everything about you. Do they? I mean, I don't think anybody would know everything about everybody. That would make sense. I'm a private lady. I don't have... I spend most of my time teaching. Okay. What can you tell me about Tony Collette?

Oh, I mean, he's not a great bowler, but neither am I, so who am I to judge? And, you know, I don't think I would have been friends with him normally, but we're part of the same bowling team and at the end of the day I think he's got a good heart. He's angry a lot, but I think he's okay and his bowling team of his How did you come to join him? I mean, you know, you're you're always heard about my encyclopedia So I was just working on my encyclopedia. I got to be mm-hmm bowling. I never actually played bowling I'd seen it here or there but I thought I should actually try it and when I went there was only one spot remaining on Team and I joined and since then I've really enjoyed it so I've kept it even though I already

finished the excerpt about bowling but yeah still worth playing. What are you working on now? Well, actually, no. Oh I've done that. I mean that obviously. You've done Bolshevism. Well yeah I wrote about it. You can read my... Interesting. What are your thoughts on Bolshevism? You know what it wasn't the most exciting word I don't think I wrote too much on it. Hmm. Actually I am a little embarrassed because I've written so many different about so many different words, and I don't know too much about it But I think I wrote I don't know you have to check it out. Okay. Well look into that The last thing I wrote was actually I'm about to go on to see finally. I just finished Byzantine Interesting. Okay. Well, I'm very happy for you. Now you've been working on a lot of B words Uh-huh. What can you tell me about bookmaking?

You've been working on a lot of B words. Uh huh. What can you tell me about bookmaking? Well, it's a process of making books. Not that kind of bookmaking here. The other kind of bookmaking. What kind of bookmaking? I don't know what you're talking about. As in betting.

I don't know what betting is. What's betting? Sports. Betting what? What's betting? Underground sports gambling. What can you tell me about that? I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

You know what? You know what? Can I take a picture of you? Can you take a picture of me? Yeah, because you know what? I'm finishing up my encyclopedia, and there's a word bully. And I would love a picture of you? Can you take a picture? Yeah, because you know what? I'm finishing up my encyclopedia and there's a word bully. And I would love a picture of you right next to it.

That's why I think I have nothing more to say. He's got a big filing cabinet next to him. And he pulls open a file and he roots through it. And he pulls out a ledger, just like a big thick ledger. See, underground sports betting has become something of a nuisance here in Peachyville as of late. I wouldn't know anything about that. Well, I got this off a punk kid running numbers for the Anderson gang.

It's a book of names and numbers and it says here, and he flips through the pages, it says right here, K Grammar, Miss Grammar. That's your name. And this specifically, everyone else. I'm Kelsey. Everyone else has a middle name, but this K Grammar, there's no middle name. So it looks like you owe some pretty big bucks to some pretty rough customers miss grammar. Okay, I Will not say anything more without my lawyer and that has nothing to do with anything that's happened. All right teach Here's what I think I think Tony Collette or whatever his real name is God windy your gambling debts

What I think he used them as a compromise. He pressured you into joining his little bullshit bowling team? To what end? I'm not sure. Maybe he just wants you. No, nobody knows. Nobody knows. Except for the people that are-

Nobody knows except your handler, right? Nobody knows except the person who brought you in on this ring. Now maybe he wants to- I wasn't on a ring, I was just boxing. You were just boxing? I was just betting on myself. This has nothing to do with it. Tony doesn't know. Don't tell Tony. Don't tell any of the gut betting on myself. This has nothing to do with it. Tony doesn't know.

Don't tell Tony. Don't tell any of the gutter-roll scream. They'll be really disappointed in me. I don't want to, but I need you to cooperate with me. Now, maybe Tony, maybe he just wants you to indoctrinate our youth. Maybe he wants an inside woman on the PTA, or maybe he just likes a mold.

Frankly, I don't care. Have you ever talked to Tony? The only thing he cares about is selling cars. He's always never talked to us about it. Frankly, that's probably the reason I'm not that close to him, he just talks about cars all the time, and how much he doesn't like certain people. I really wish I could believe you.

You're very, A, for acting, right? I've gotta commend you on that. I didn't, I mean, if you can't tell, I'm not in the theater anymore, I wasn't good at it, and I don't learn any more of it. Misgrammar, we could go all night with this, but. I doubt that. What does that mean?

Nothing, I've talked to your wife. What? Excuse me? Nothing. You know, we have an unhappy marriage. Sorry,. I doubt that. What does that mean? Nothing. I've talked to your wife. What? Excuse me? Nothing. You know, we have an unhappy marriage. Sorry, sometimes I go. We have an unhappy marriage, and I have an unhappy son. The only thing I live for is busting commies,

which is where you come in. And so he pulls out and slides across the table this piece of paper. It's a confession. It's got your name at the bottom of it. It's all typed up. And it's basically this huge pack of lies. It sells got your name at the bottom of it. It's all typed up and it's basically this huge pack of lies It sells Tony Collette down the river

It says that he pressured you into joining a communist spy ring along with Trudy and Britannica Francis and Kimon Juan's names are noticeably absent from this document It says that the howl of howls trophy world and the late officer Jenkins caught wind of your scheme Which is why they had to die and it names Tony as the person who murdered them. I mean, what, you just wrote a big old piece of fiction. This is what I think happened tonight. Oh, okay, well you wrote. This is what I think's been going on.

Oh, do you want me to tell you if you're right? All I need you to do is confirm this story and you're free to go. This little confession stays sealed at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet little life with his dark little secrets. Sir, none of this is true. You know, I don't know what you think.

I've done boxing and look, I'm not proud of it. Look, I like boxing and it's only been my money. That's why I haven't paid it back. So like, if you're going to arrest me for, for boxing, that's okay. Just don't let the kids know because I love teaching. But this is, this is, this is true. It's okay.

None of this is true. It's okay, Kelsey. All I need you to do is sign this piece of paper and all this goes away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, been boxing in underground gambling matches and owes money deep to the mob. So if you don't want that to happen, I would consider your options. And he slams this pen down on the piece of paper right in front of you. I don't want that to happen. But if that's what's going to happen,

then I guess that's the consequences of my action. And you know, that's fitting because I'm about to start writing C. So I guess the X for consequences will be really good, but everything here is not true. So I take the pen and I break it in half and say, I hope you have another one of those. I'm not signing what is not a true thing.

And if you want to take me down for gambling or whatever it is, that's fine. You know, it is what it is. And you know what, I'm not even the bad guy. No, I am the bad guy. I shouldn't have been doing that, but I'm not even the bad guy. Why do you have to the people who are, who are coming after me for money and the PTA? You can tell the PTA whatever you want. I haven't done anything with their money. In fact, I'm just trying back. No, I am the back guy. I shouldn't have been doing that, but I'm not in the back. I wanted to go after the people who are, who are coming after me for money and the PTA,

you can tell the PTA whatever you want. I haven't done anything with their money. In fact, I'm just trying to get a projector system for them. So you know what? No, I have nothing more to say until we get a lawyer. Okay. Think it over. Kelsey emerges, tears streaming down her face from the interrogation room.

Whoa, whoa, what the hell? Thank you for your cooperation, Miss Grammar. No, I didn't cooperate. Guys, I just want to tell you right now... Miss Trout! You're up next. Let's go. Okay, um... Trudy, Trudy, Trudy! Look at me. Let's go, Mrs. Trout! We're a team, and I've been a bad person. I'm sorry.

My, my, it's bright in here. If you wouldn't mind turning down the light shade. I'm sorry. That's just the way that the light works, Mrs. Trout. Oh, I know all about how light works because of the sun. Okay. Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee, Mrs. Pickett makes a mean cup of Joe?

A Joe, yes, coffee! Yes! And then I'll stay up all night long! Tucker hates when I do that. He says I need to recharge! And be renewed! Big Shane presses a button on the intercom and says, Can we get a cup of coffee in here, Mrs. Pickett? And you hear like, Oh yeah, you betcha, I'll be right in with that here.

Mrs. Trout, how does a sweet little homemaker like you get tangled up with a character like Toni Collette? Oh, well, first I saw a little sheet of paper that said bowlers wanted, and I thought, hmm, maybe I could be a bowler. So I called the number on the piece of paper, and then we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, yes, we were bonded together over a ball,

over a bowling ball. We're a bowling team, you see. You know, you remind me of my wife. Lonely, depressed, unsatisfied. Oh. She drinks her problems away, but you're a bowler. How does that happen? What draws a woman like you to bowling?

Hmm, well, the pins. I like watching them fall over. It's like my problems falling into place, and I can see a straight path where they're all be knocked over one by one maybe in one fell swoop and maybe if I make a mistake I get to try again that's beautiful you have a beautiful mind miss trout here's what I think happened I think one day a lonely little housewife needs a dashing used car salesman he's sensitive a mysterious, but he's kind. Everything her husband's not.

He invites her to join his bowling team. And the lonely little missus says, what's the harm? But before they even get to frame five, he's whispering the communist manifesto in her ear. And she realizes she's made a horrible, horrible mistake, but she's in too deep now. She can't tell her husband, he'd be furious. She can't tell her friends, she doesn't have any.

And so she gets drawn deeper and deeper into his topsy-turvy world, and she's desperate for a way out. Well, here it is, Mrs. Trout, your way out. Well, I'll just ask you, sir, what would the Communist Manifesto sound like? How would I know if I were hearing it? It's a book written by Karl Marx.

And how would you know that? If you were to come and listen? Well, you know, I have to research these things and my job is a law enforcement officer. And, you know, it did, well, it weighs heavily on my mind. Friedrich Nietzsche says that, battle not with monsters, let ye become a monster. And that's, well, you know, someone has to watch out. Someone has to watch out for the Reds. And that's what I'm doing, and that's what I'm doing right now.

And you're in a lot of trouble, Missy. And he slides this piece of paper over. But I can get you out of it. OK. And he shows you a typed confession with your name on it. Francis and Kamoan Juan's names are noticeably absent from this document.

It's basically a complete pack of lies. All I need from you, Miss Trout, is to confirm this story, and you're free to go. This confession goes into a sealed file at FBI headquarters and you go back to your sweet and lonely little life. Now how does that sound? My sweet and lonely little life? Well, it is awful lonely. I'm not sure I want to go back. I feel renewed with my bowling team. I feel like a new woman. I feel like I've never felt in my entire life in the fact that you would just box me up

and put me back. I don't think I would like that very much. But I know that Tucker would sure be disappointed. Oh my, what a conundrum. Hmm, and of course I might miss my 2.5 beautiful children as well if I were in jail, in prison, in the lockup, down the river, yes. You know that husband of yours, speaking of Tucker, he's an interesting fellow.

Yes, I love hearing him talk. I could hear him talk for hours. I don't suppose it would interest you to know that we have a file on Tucker here. You do? Would that interest you to know about that? Oh, I suppose. And he opens-

I'd always love to know more about Tucker. He opens this huge filing cabinet and he ripples through it and pulls out this thick file and it says Tucker Trout on it. Seems your husband has been making some unusual trips every Tuesday from 12 o'clock to 2 o'clock p.m. That's that's right when you have bowling practice isn't it? Yes of course. Well we have some photos right here I think you'd be very interested to see I know for my spouse I'd want to see them and they're of course yours to look at if you sign this document. Oh darn it!

Oh no! It is so tempting to want to look at the photos! But I just couldn't possibly tell this horrendous lie. Oh Tucker. Tucker will be so disappointed if I don't come home. In fact, I feel compelled to go home to Tucker. I feel like I don't know what I'll do if I don't go home to Tucker.

Tucker doesn't have to know about anything that happened tonight if you sign this document. But here's the thing, Tucker knows everything. He is so smart. He's just the sharpest knife in the drawer. And I have many knives because I cut many things, all food related, of course. But the thing is, I just don't feel right signing it.

So he holds up the file with these photos and he puts a lighter up to it. Oh my goodness. Last chance. You know, you know, and I know that your husband is hiding things from you. You know that deep down, it's driving you crazy. You know that you want to know.

Kelsey, they're not your friends. My name is Trudy. Trudy, I'm sorry. Kelsey was on my mind because Kelsey was just in here sending you down the river. You and Tony and the whole lot. She sang like a bird, so did Camone once, so is Tony when he's gonna come in here.

I don't believe that. You have one chance. We're a bowling team. You're a good American housewife and I wanna protect you. I'm the only one in this situation who wants to protect you. So please sign the paper, learn what's happening with your husband

and fix your family, Trudy. It's falling apart and you know that it is. No, my family is the perfect family. We have a white picket fence and a dog named Doodles and he is the best dog. My family is completely perfectly fine and I don't want to know anything else about anything. I'm fine. I'm fine. Think it over. Think it over. Trudy! Trudy, what happened in that?

Trudy emerges, hairied and shaken with a ripped-est smile plastered on her face. Thank you for your cooperation, Ms. Trout. That was not... It's uh... I'm just the same person that I always was. Okay. Trudy, you didn't say anything, did you?

Mr. Collette! Excuse were talking I want to get a read of Both Kelsey and Trudy like is there anything from their body language them coming back any like clues I can pick up because what I want to do is not do this interrogation So I want to get a sense of like is there any any moves that I can do is any weaknesses in the give me a what? Would that be what looks good on your skill sheet for this feels like a? Psychology yeah, I'll do psychology. Okay. Give me a what would that be what looks good on your skill sheet for this feels like a Psychology yeah, I'll do psychology. So I can give me a psychology role 52 out of 50 I barely fail. Ooh, I'll burn to luck. Okay what does he clock on the two of you as he's looking at you that you were a bully and

You could tell that Kelsey definitely admitted to something that was bad Mm-hmm, or she thinks is bad, but she is strong and would never betray the guttural scream. And I didn't say anything, that's what I'm saying. I say, I didn't say anything, Trudy, you didn't say anything, right? I look over at Trudy. You can tell that Trudy is having second thoughts

about everything that she said in that room. All right. Trudy, hun, what, no, did you? You know it's like Kimon Wanda got to leave, right? Yeah, she sold us out. She got a lawyer. She's awful. All right, okay.

Francis' mom sucks. Mr. Collette. Walk with me. Trudy. What did you do? I didn't do shit. Sergeant Silva, I got a bone to pick with you. All right, Collette, have at it.

What the hell, man? You've manhandled these ladies. What will their husbands think? Sergeant Silva, I got a bone to pick with you. All right, Colette, have at it. What the hell, man? You've manhandled these ladies. What will their husbands think? What will their husbands think about what you've been doing, Mr. Colette? I'm ready to bust this case wide open, Mr. And all of a sudden-

I don't give a shit what their husbands think. All of a sudden, there's a knock at the door, and Shane's like, what? And Penny Pickett peeks her head in. She's, oh, Mr. Silva, it's Sergeant Silva. Sergeant Silva, there's a big call from Washington online, one for you. You want me to patch that through to your office?

Won't give his name, but he says it's real urgent. Send it through to my office. I'll be right there. Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, you don't talk. Where's the food? Penny, you said you bring food. Penny, what the hell? Shane gets up and leaves the room.

And then Penny glances over her shoulder, shuts the door and sits down right in front of you. And she says, Don't worry, Veshir, comrade. Do not speak. We have little time. You're here to relieve me from Central Command, ah? Listen very carefully. Project Heartland is still alive. The Americans have made contact with Suzelle. They will summon him when the stars are right. Now you tell Central to get me the hell out of here. You're my replacement, yes? Yes, yes, yes, you got it.

Well, what the fuck? What, yeah. Please, please, look. And then she hands you this locket and like opens it and there's like a picture of her daughter in there. Like she's got like a little babushka on, like this adorable little. I have daughter back home in Russia. I just want to live to see her again.

I must escape Pichivo before this whole town is destroyed. And right as she's saying that the door swings back open She's like and so that's you wanted one coffee right dear. You wanted a coffee two coffees. Okay? Yeah, you bet Hot hot she kind of like goes back behind soap and like she's looking at you these desperate eyes Shainsies none of this okay All right, mr. Collette. Why don't we start at the top. Yes. State your name for the record please. Antonio Colletta. No, no, no, no, your real name.

Antonio Colletta. It's gonna be like that then, okay? Well no, this is my name. They call me Tony. It's Italian, right? Yeah, it's goddamn right, I'm proud of it. Okay, well. Not like the other Italians.

Yeah, that's right, Tony Collette's a self-hating Italian. Mr. Collette. Yes Give a cigarette see these files here. I do now. I want smoking I Want smoke Hit me up Smoke your own fine. Give me a lighter and I won't I'm not giving you anything. I'm here I'm here to ask the question sir. I'm not asking a question I'm just saying like give me a lighter light this up. I want some my team Yeah, I'm an Italian they call it you know I think a theme

You know back in the motherland we call this you like Your cigarette And I thought that it most daintily my friend Yeah, you saw it. You see these files. I see the files Well, I've got a file on every person in this town Jesus Christ man Is that legal meticulous record-keeping is something that they drill into you at the bureau and that's just a little hobby of nerd Fucking nerd. Oh, we had names for pencil next like you in the sports. Here's my file on Tony Collette. Pulls out this file.

How thick is it, dog? It is empty. Ah. It's completely empty. And he slams it down on the table. I can't find, for as much looking as I do, I can't find a single solitary piece of information about you, Tony Collette.

No prior address, no medical records, no war service files, nothing. I just checked the IRS. I checked the IRS. I pay my taxes. You're telling me I've been paying my taxes and they don't have any record of it? God damn man, what have I been doing? It's like you just popped into existence one day in this town. How do you explain that? Your record keeping sucks and we had a world war. Jesus Christ man, do I need to do your job for you?

Here's how I explain it. I think Tony Collette is a fabrication, a cipher, a ghost. Your real name is probably scribbled down in some file in the Kremlin. Let me guess. Ivan? What? Boris? No. Dimitri? None of these are Italian names. I've got no deal to cut with you, Pinko. Your comrades have already given you up. Trudy?

I highly doubt that. You fucking looted me. Kelsey? They sang like canaries. They told me the whole story. They didn't sing all they want. I bowled next to those women and those women that didn't say shit because they have nothing to say. Look pal, the only thing that's gonna save you from the gas chamber is if you give me a name, a handler, a higher up, somebody in the organization, your boss, I need somebody. I need blood on the table and you're gonna to give it to me or you're going to fry you little pink o'comy bastard. I'm going to laugh. This is what time class thinking if he's walking in here and they have anything on him, they would hit him with it. The fact that he's like you know, telling him to like sell people further up as a ton of clip recognizes a gish gal when

he sees it. So I don't think they have anything on this guy. They're kind of desert fishing. They're fishing for information, so I want to roll to see what that would be. I'll give it to you as a no like a street smart kind of so edge you yeah education no roll school of hard knocks give me a no I need to be the 60 and I got 23 okay so yes you feel like he's bluffing you okay and that he doesn't have as much he's overplaying his hand I'll give you a name sure Charlie Baron with peanuts and popcorn How about fuzzy pots with my little sweetheart Daisy? Oh, maybe it's Frankie Saludo and his long-eared friend

Emmett Kelly is weary Willie you can go punch rocks. I got nothing for you. You're a tough nut to crack mr Collette or whatever your real name is that's the real mark my words, I'm gonna find out what your deal is, Tony. Yes, the deal is I post every. No one is as clean as you are, Mr. Collette. No one is able to just walk around with no paperwork, nothing, I smell a rat and I know a rat when I see one and you're a rat and I'm gonna set a rat trap for you and I'm gonna crush you like a rat, you little rat.

Well, you better put some motherfucking good cheese in that cause I'm used to the good sardinian shit. Get the fuck out of my interrogation room. The only deal you have about me is you can read about it on the Sunday paper in the advertising section. Get the fuck out of my room. Ah, gladly. Where's my coffee, god damn it? The people you have working for you are fucking terrible. Tony comes out ranting and raving. Where's the fucking coffee? God damn it!

Oh, I never got my coffee either! Well, I didn't even ask. Never get coffee now? Can I still get coffee? Shane comes out, he like looks like he's just gone 20 rounds in there and he loosens his tie and rubs his head and says, I gotta give it to you. Or a tougher nut to crack than I thought you'd be.

Yeah, we're Goddural's cream. Okay. We're a balloon team. We're friends. I tried. I tried to help you all out. You did? You? Wait, sir? I gave you a balloon team. We're friends. You know, I tried, I tried to help you all out. It looks like- You didn't, you, wait, sir.

I gave you a chance. This is my room, can you please leave? Oh. He just looks at you, he picks up the phone. Says, operator, give me the Peachyville Gazette. I've got a story for you, Dean. Hey Dean, what's up? I've got four names of card carrying members

of the Communist Party for you to print tomorrow's first and tomorrow's early edition. And I've got a story about someone who's been gambling and you'll never guess who it is. That's clickbait, that's clickbait. It's me, it's me, I'm sorry baby. And I've got one more headline for you. Four arrested in the murder of Officer Biff Jenkins.

His name was Biff? Biff? Biff? Biff? He hangs up the phone. You're all going to fry for this. Mark my words. And you're going to rot in that jail cell until it comes.

Well, which is it? Rot or fry? Ha ha, loser. Until it comes time for your trial. As he's saying this, the lights in the room begin to flicker. Oh, no. And you guys look around, and you see in the corner a man standing there.

Oh, no! You can see him enter, but he's just this weird guy. And he's just standing in the corner. Is his face scary? Can I roll to see if his face is scary? You sure, go ahead. Wait, will my roll to side if his face is scary? Sure, go ahead. Wait, will my roll to side if his face is scary? Or am I just seeing his face?

Or is this a preordained scary face that we're only stumbling upon for the first time? I hit in. Yeah, I passed. I got 47 on my final 50. Okay, so you get a good look at this guy as he's walking towards you. He's got this immaculate black and white suit on. It's like an older style. It seems like it's from like the 1920s or 30s,

but it looks brand new. He's a little on the short side. His face is like sunburned, like is the best way you can do. Like it's just got like little bits of peeling and it's just kind of sunburned. He has these bulging eyes and he just starts walking forward. He's wearing these thick-soled shoes.

And like, you know that sound like that your feet make in a shoe when like you've been in water and like it squishes. He's got like squishy feet So like he's just squishing as he walks towards you. Does he look familiar? You've never seen this guy before in your life and Shane looks at me says who the hell are you? The guy looks at me says My name is relish wet I'm from the powers Message from the ones who watch well, there's their communist sir

Look, this looks like a communist right there my god unload your weapon into it What are you from Langley Powell? What do you want and he walks up to him and he leans into Shane's year and he starts to whisper something and Shane all of the bluster and bravado the color just drains out of his face. Does he lose 40% of his blood? He looks like he lost 39% of his blood. He's fucking terrified. Give me another spot hit and roll everybody 50 and I roll a 25.. I barely pass okay, great And you can't hear is cuz you're not here. Yeah, I know anything How you having a good record session so far, baby? Yeah, I've just been looking at Twitter some pretty funny pretty funny tweets on there

It's on there I guess the class of I freak I fail, but I really want to hear Ah, freak, I failed, but I really want to hear it. No, Beth. You want to get out of here, Beth? Get the fuck out of here, Beth. You can't get a list of this. We'll call you back in, Beth. Oh, no, she's actually coming.

Get out of here, Beth. Go talk to those microphones in the interrogation room. All right, now that the real spot hidden homies are here. I don't know what happened. What happened? I'm all just sitting here. I didn't leave. Get out of here, Anthony.

Get out of here, Anthony. Make me. OK. He's not listening, though. He's on Twitter. Anthony! Make me. Okay, he's not listening though. He's on Twitter. His lips aren't moving. Who? This guy.

Oh. You could have sworn he was whispering to him. He just has his mouth open. Oh. And just, he's just like, almost like a little, like it's like he's breathing into his ear. And Shane is just, you've never seen a man more scared in your life.

Whoa. Beth, you can come back in. Wait, wait, wait, Beth. Matt. Ooh, just the pulse pounding atmosphere. Wait, wait, wait, no, Beth, Matt! Ooh, just the pulse pounding out of this figure! Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, Matt, I wanna talk about it with you! No, it's a secret thing, but we gotta do it in character! No, I know, but I wanna talk to you, because we have a secret now that Beth doesn't know.

Beth, leave! No, no, no, Beth, stay here, be in character then! I left once, I'm not leaving again. Wow, Beth, my god! Jodie, did you see that? I did see that, every bit of it! Truly incredible! What did it look like? Jodie, did you see that? Jodie, did you see that I did see that every bit of it truly incredible Do you see that shit?

Okay, that was really scary right so she Turns accounts like right that was crazy crazy Because it turns into cows like right that was crazy crazy Turns to all of you know why it's crazy right Trudy Shane turns to all of you and opens his mouth and says and write them we rewind all the way back to the beginning of the night. Not the beginning of the night. We rewind all the way back to the beginning of the episode, but we fly across Peachyville and into and under the bed of Kelsey Grammer.

What? Where one, Francis Farnsworth is currently hiding. Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez, oh geez. Anthony, can I give you a gift? Yeah. I give you complete control over a piece of the lore. You can describe how ever you want what the underneath of Kelsey's bed looks like.

What a treat for you. Why do you describe what you see under there? I won't say no. You can say anything you want. Is it clean? Is it dirty? What's happening in there? She's got a live anaconda.

Frances finds a bunch of other encyclopedias Oh! That she's been plagiarizing from. Oh my God! What? Oh my God! This is the biggest, holy shit, I prepped and this is the fucking biggest twist of the episode.

Kelsey feels something under her bed. She's like, no. Everything's coming out tonight. No. Francis is hiding under this bed amidst the ill-gotten plagiarized encyclopedias. What a fucking headshot to my character. That was fucking good. I gotta go with that. Without missing a beat.shot to my character. That was fucking good.

I gotta go with it. Without missing a beat. This is the best in the biz, folks. Come at the king, you best not miss. So once again, you hear this pounding on the door. And you hear someone saying, open up, Kelsey, or we're opening it up. I think Francis' smartest move is just going to be stay quiet and hide amongst the encyclopedias. Okay, great.

I've got to admit, these guys aren't interested in knowledge. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 50s door yeah yeah 50s foot dude the back house feet were built different back you were built different baby you hear two sets of footsteps in 1950s feet there bear photo real 1950s 50s medium format Fuji film 1950s feet photo realistic epic our state trending on our station 1950s feet Realistic epic our stick trending on our station These feet these cakes My god Oh fuck, someone's gonna actually put that in Art Station in Boston. 956 feet fucking wide close up. 956 feet, I love Lucy filter.

956 feet, I love Lucy filter. Team Lucy close up. Goddamn, Boomer. So yeah, we're in this really scary scene, and this guy kicks the door down. You hear two sets of big, sexy 1950s feet stomping around in the room next door. Oh, no, better not get an erection now. They might hear it.

You hear these kind of two voices, the big burly voice you heard before. It says, all right, Sven, cover the door while I look around. Like John McClane, I take out a pen and write on my inside forearm, Sven. Then you hear Sven say, you got it, Tor, I'll stand here by the door and keep a lookout for Mrs. Grammer. I write T parenthesis H, but she wrote O-R. You hear Tor rooting around, tossing shit over, it looks like she's not here.

Damn. At least that fucking kid Milton finally left We can finally root around this place. Well. I'll tell you what I guess We'll just wait right here till she gets home, and then we'll beat the shit out of her and get her money Hey, what's this you kind of hear him towards where that closet was all of the money on the ground says whoa whoa whoa? Sven check this out. What do we got here? What is it Tor is it something interesting over there? Whoa, whoa, Sven, check this out. What do we got here? What is it, Tor? Is it something interesting over there?

I'll say, it looks like a big pile of small bills on the ground. And he kneels down and starts rooting through them. Sven's like, wow, is it enough money for all of the gambling debts she owes us, Tor? And Tor's like, not hardly. This barely covers the interest. But what's she doing with all this dough?

This is a nice little pile. Oh, here we go. And Tor picks up, again, you just hear him. You can't see him unless you're still under the bed, right? Mm-hmm. Tor's flipping through. It looks like she's planning on buying a film strip projector for the local kids at the school.

Oh, what a nice person. Feeding. Feeding. Looks like she's been scrimping and saving. Uh-huh, that's a good teacher right there. Psh. Everybody loves Kelsey. That's a good teacher. It's a shame those kids aren't good teachers a shame those kids aren't gonna get to watch informative health

Newsreels and the like and learn from the film strip technology that miss Kelsey grammar has been Scrimping and saving and boxing the night away to save up because we'll have to just root up all this money and take it And crush her poor little dreams Yeah Just stuff. Yeah. France is just like, yeah. For her. I'm 12. I'm 12. I don't want to fight two brown men. I don't care that much. I can go see the pictures on the weekend.

I'm not dumb. I know I'm going to get points. I have. You hear Tore stuffing this money in his pocket. He says, all right, I guess we'll just wait here. And the second she gets in that door, Sven, you and I are going to tune her up for the rest of this money. We'll get it from her one way or another.

And if not, we'll teach her a lesson no one in this town is likely to forget. In my mind, I think, I've been hiding from bullies for quite a long time. So if anybody's going to outlast these guys, it's me. I'll stay here not taking action for as long as it takes until they decide to leave. So, Francis, as you're a coward under this bed with your... I don't know if coward's the word I would use.

As you're hiding under this bed hearing these two guys plot brutally assaulting your favorite teacher in Olive Peachyville, you have a flashback. You're sitting on your bed. It's about a year or two ago. Back when I was on the other side of this. I heard her in the top of the bed. You're holding the note in your hands from the army rejecting you for service. Hurts my damn joints. And your father, Ed Farnsworth, World War II hero,

is consoling you on the bed. Not on the bed, he's patting you on the shoulder. What are you feeling at this moment? Bethany. What was going on? Bethany. I didn't do shit. Why can a father not marry his son?

Why? Why? Why they could marry his son? What did Francis feel in the moment? Oh, justless shame. He thought that there was something wrong with him and that he will never be able to live up to the figure of his father. So Ed kind of puts his hand on your shoulder and he says, look, Francis, I know that this

is really heartbreaking for you. I know it's a really tough time for you right now with this and I'm so sorry, kid. Did I ever tell you the story of when you were born? No. He says through tears. I know a thing or two about setbacks in life. Before the war, as we've canonically established, I was a ballet dancer.

I had the lithe grace of Grace Kelly and the feet of Fred Astaire. Feet, huh? The 1930s feet. And if you think feet are great now, you should see them. Wait, wait, wait. Can we call this episode the agony of defeat?

I thought I was gonna be a movie star, I thought all this great stuff was gonna happen for me, and then I got called for service, I got drafted, and you know, I took this bullet in the leg in the war, and that ended everything. I came back early, before the GI Bill, I had no prospects, I had no career to fall back on, your mom was pregnant with you,

and I knew I had to do something to provide for my family. And I couldn't find a job, I couldn't find work. The only place I could get a job was at a soda jerk shop. And I tell you, kid, everything I faced in that war, jumping out of planes, crawling through ditches, fighting the Nazis, it was all scary, but I was never as scared as I was that first day I had to put on that uniform, that candy stripe uniform, go to work with a bunch of kids.

Half my age, I felt stupid, I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed of myself. I used to be somebody, I used to have this big career, but now I realized I had to just dig down deep and do something I didn't want to do. And I remember looking at myself in the mirror and your wife, your wife, your mom came up to me. She told me she's so funny.

That's such a trademark that someday I hope that you can understand that being a hero, being a man, all that stuff, it's not about the battles you fight. It's about how you fight them. It's about how you face them. It's about getting up and doing what's right for the right reasons, no matter the cost, no matter the outcome. You know, and that was something I learned that day

when I picked up that ice cream scoop and I got to work and I rebuilt my whole life and it was scary and it was hard but it's the proudest thing I've ever done is take life by the horns, move out here to Peachyville, raise you, I know it's no Silver Star, and you're starting tomorrow at the Jerk Shop, and I just wanted you to have this. And he hands you his ice cream scoop.

And you flash back to this moment where you're a coward under the bed thinking about your dad and how he said he'd always be proud of you if you would ever just stand up and do the right thing no matter the cost, and that that's what true courage was. This is my moment and he falls asleep. Okay well that's Anthony's side of the story um wait wait wait wait you speak with a nasally sound do you snore do you make that noise how you use snore that noise? You fucking destroy my character, we kill yours! The role of you snore!

What's your luck score? 85 I got an 84! Oh! Motherfucker! Silent sleeper! Oh wait, no that's good. So you're saying- I barely beat it. I think he should roll... I know I want to get fucking

lesser luck Does this feel like a Constitution role to you guys? Look deep in your soul and then look deep in my eyes and tell me Tell me if Francis is a snorer when he sleeps. You know this character better than anybody. If you look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn't snore, this nerdy little doofus, then you know, that's on you. Francis's entire life has been about hiding from ridicule

from people who would jump on any opportunity to ridicule him. So I think when he was younger and he was out on a camping trip, he snored really loudly for the first time. And as a result, all of his campmates did a full metal jacket on him and just beat him with soap

the next time he fell asleep. And they beat the snoring out of him. I think he just doesn't snore anymore because he's so anxious of the idea of making anybody uncomfortable even while he's unconscious. But Anthony, Anthony, what does Francis dream? Does he, is his mind beset by nightmares?

Oh yeah, constantly. Does he cry out in his sleep like a babe for his mother? No. Well, that's fantastic. Francis falls asleep and dreams dreams of shame and regret underneath Kelsey's bed. And we flash him. I love that day.

He dreams like a really weird, like he's like dressed as a soldier behind the soda jerk. And his dad is a kid coming to ask for an ice cream. Oh yeah, Anthony, what's your dream? Tell me the dream. Give me the weird fucked up dream, Anthony. I don't think I get control over the dream. If you want to give me something fucked up,

then I can react to it. I just did it. OK, so yeah. So my dad comes in, asks you for a soda and I go to get him some ice cream but instead I'm holding the trophy and I'm seeing my reflection in it and I'm seeing BB like Disintegrate in the reflection of the trophy like I couldn't save her somehow Because we gave up the wrong trophy and like I knew that was the wrong thing to do and then I I hand my dad The trophy full of ice cream and when I try to hand it to him, he's my mom, and my mom is holding the severed head of the cop

that she killed in one hand, and then a shotgun in the other, and she goes, you should have done this. You should have done this. And she hands me the shotgun, and I start to point it towards my head, and she goes, no, that's not what I meant. You should be killing people. And I go, oh, okay, cool.

And then I kicked open the door of the Soda Jerk shop, and there are just like commies everywhere. And I go, I'm gonna make you proud you proud dad and I start mowing commies down I'm so I'm so fucking good-looking and I take it over and I make it the greatest power fantasy dream That has ever existed. I feel like so fucking cool and awesome and I realize I'm not wearing any clothes We need another role to see if you wake up screaming or not dreams. Do you mind me making a nightmare then? Okay, so we're saying that it's like a do you wake up like fucking singing the Star Spangled Banner? Yeah, he successfully won the game.

He fell asleep and he does the snore. Sorry, I'm so much better at role playing than everybody is. All right, so that's Anthony's dream. And you know what, he's on our team, we should support this. We do support this. We do support this. Francis falls asleep. I just want to read a little bit more.

I have a kick-ass dream about mowing down communists and looking good, and we fly back All the way back to the present moment Big Shane looks at all of you with dry parched lips He takes a darting paranoid glance back at mr. Relish wet who's just standing in the corner nodding now I think it's time we fucking leave you can't ask for in a presence looks at all the you and says You're free to go. Oh, good, very well. Let's get the fuck out of here.

Wow, yes. Oh, is that our lawyer? Milton must have brought. That was our lawyer. Wow, Milton, good job, Milton. Yes. OK. You're free to go.

And if anyone asks, Officer Jenkins was, he was killed in a hunting accident. Oh. His hands are trembling as he opens this door and just rattles the cage open and says, okay, you can go you can go now Okay, so what do you do? We just gather. Okay. So yeah, you all walk by Shane You seem go over to like this sort of police dispatch radio says this is sergeant Shane Silva cancel the APB on Francis Farnsworth BB is thoroughly unnerved. She looks up at Shane and kind of like flips him off a little bit and then walks away

So we're at a police station though, right? We'd be going through the front of the office like there's other cops here This is an empty place. Like what are we seeing police station though, right? We'd be going through the front of the office, like, are there other cops here? Is this an empty place? Like, what are we seeing on our way out? This is the late, he's the night officer. So he and Penny are basically the only ones here right now. As we're walking out, can I like cast about the police office, like looking at people's desks? The maximum extent I can snoop in this police office,

I want to snoop. I want to look for open files. I want to look for boards with. I want to look for boards with like strings attached. What are they working on? Okay. Are you doing this in the open? Like Shane is still there. Shane and Penny are both here. By the way, Penny is staring at you, Freddy. Yeah. Because we saw Mothman and we saw, there seems to be weird shit going on. I feel like Tony Colette's getting his sixth sense. Okay. He's hearing about commies and stuff.

Like Tony needs to get a little state of play He's to get some fucking elevation on the situation stealth roll first. All right 36 not stealthy. So I want to just look around in the open. Okay, so Shane's like don't push it pal Don't push me tonight Wait, okay. Well one second, sir You brought us in here for a murder, and then you said- You're free to go. You're free to go.

If you have any other questions, ask that man over there, and you see Mr. Wet just staring at all of you and smiling and nodding up and down. Remember, we should go talk to Mr. Wet. I really wanna know how that thing that he did, he did that. It's true, wow, you're right. It's such a crazy thing that we saw.

I don't know if I wanna talk to Mr. Wet. Wanna know how he did that? I mean, I suppose it would be okay. We all walk No, not we all told you Collette would like to make a fucking roll to see if it was a smart idea or not to talk To this wet guy See what a smart idea or not to talk to the wet guy. Yeah You can't roll to the side if your idea is good. Hey, don't do it. What the fuck are you talking about?

Kelsey, I think that you... Kelsey, I think that you should talk to Mr. Wet. Trudy, I think you're the bravest. I think you should ask him what, how he did the thing that we all saw. Okay, fine, I will, I will. Okay Mr. Wet walks outside. Oh okay wait, wait we're free we can walk outside. Yeah we can walk outside. It's a free world we can walk outside too.

Please go, Shane is like please go just get out. Excuse me Mr. Wet. So you walk outside. I think we all go outside. Alright you walk outside there's the cool night air doesn't seem like there's a person on the street and Mr. Wet is just standing there under the moody Edward Hopper ass a streetlight says yes hi mr. what we were just what I was just wondering yes my name is Trudy I know I know Trudy is he Oh. Is he doing the thing? Is he doing the thing, Trudy?

Is he doing the thing? He's not doing the thing. I didn't hear what the thing he did was, so I don't know. Because I went into the other room. Oh, Trudy, why didn't he just tell us? Mr. Wet puts a hand on your shoulder, and he offers you a peppermint.

Oh. I wouldn't. No, that seems like a bad idea. That's a bad idea. I'm not going to take this peppermint. No, but take it, don't eat it. I'll see you in time. And he closes his hand, and the streetlight above him flickers, and then he's gone.

What?! What the fuck?! Oh my... What the... Jesus, this was even crazier than the first thing! How did that? I've read so much, I've never seen... Give me a fucking 1D3 sanity roll, guys. I've never seen that. Yeah, give me a sanity check.

Let's see, what was my serial? 34, I survived. 55, and then. Ooh, 49 on my 50. I succeed as well. Okay, all right. So you guys are all winged out by this, but none of you are.

We did see a guy burn to death earlier. He had no problems with that. Yeah. You could have just told us you didn't see it before he was talking, but me and Tony both noticed that when he was talking, his mouth wasn't moving. Yes, it was quite the act. It was like a ventriloquist.

A ventriloquist? Yes. Oh, that is so charming. Bone chilling. But then he just disappeared, that's not what ventriloquists do. That was not, yes, he just disappeared. Some manner of magician, not a lawyer.

Where's Milton with your lawyer? I'm right here, I've been here the whole time. Holy shit. Oh, hi Milton, hi. That was a weird guy. That wasn with your lawyer? I'm right here. I've been here the whole time. Holy shit. Oh, hi Milton. Hi. That was a weird guy. That wasn't the lawyer? Are you okay? I know. I've never seen him before in my life.

I don't know who that was. He's a pretty good lawyer though. He's got us all out of there. Yeah. You're very late. Go home, please. Why don't you come home with me? Why?

It's an obscene thing to say. We're both going to the same place. It's not weird. It's not the same place. I live in my own home behind your home. He unlatches his tandem bicycle. Oh my god. Because I rode my tandem bicycle here so I could take you home. Okay, well I live in my own home behind your home. He unlatches his tandem bicycle. I rode my tandem bicycle here so I could take you home.

Okay, well I'm with my friends, Milton. Milton, piss off, you little youth! As Milton is being weird, Trudy, you see Tucker pulled up in his car. Oh my goodness, my husband's here! He's going to take us home. I mean, me home, yes. My bowling team. Oh, Tuck. The strangest night has just happened to me. Do you get into the car? I do. Okay. So, he wordlessly drives off

into the night. Oh. We'll deal with you in a second. Um. He's even gonna offer us a ride. And uh. Looks like you're set. Oh, block. No, I'll walk with you, Tony. Forbid. OK, we'll all go together. And then Milton follows behind you on his tandem bike with no one on the back. You're going to need to run a far distant rear guard back up like a football field away.

I've never played football. Stopped. It turns out like Milton. Just don't be that kid. Go home. Whoa. Milton's eyes go like real wide? Yeah.

I just lock eyes and go home. And I go, Milton, you can measure the length of a football field by the football field we're standing next to. And he looks at the football field next to you, and he looks at Kelsey glaring at him. You see it rolled on his face, and he paddles off into the night.

Right. Hey, as a teacher, he got me tough, but I think the kid knew that. Kelsey, as a teacher, he can be tough, but I think the kid needs that. Kelsey, Kelsey. Yeah? I would like to commend you on the way you handled that petulant child.

It's a common thing, you know, when you're such a good teacher, sometimes kids, you know, but Milton's a weird one, especially since, you know, he's my son's brother. You need to beat it out of him. Okay, well, he is my nephew. Yes, he's your ward. Wait, oh, your ward, yes, well,

that means you can beat it out of him even better. Well, I would never beat him So you would never strike a child. No, I never said that of course. I was trying to If I needed to I would ever beat him. Oh, yes. Well, you should strike his nearness out of him Guy find a good strong backhand across the face of a child Dresses it corrects all manner of behavioral defects. He'll just die. Okay. Well, good night, Tony This is a correct all manner of behavioral defects. Kelly just nods and goes, okay. Well, good night, Tony.

I bet I could do your job. I'd be a great teacher. After seeing Milton go around the corner so he's no longer like a thief, I guess he's just gonna walk home. That's my stop. Bye, Tony. We jump to a Ford Thunderbird

as it's driving back down these dark streets to your house, Trudy. These streets are so dark. Tucker is just like not saying anything. He's just sitting there staring off at the distance. I can tell that maybe you're upset because I was in jail. He pulls over. Trudy, are you okay?

Oh yes, I feel 100%. I feel swell. I feel swell. You feel swell? Okay, that's good, that's good. I um... But I have questions. You have questions? I just...

What kind of questions? What kind of questions are coming up for you, dear? Well, they asked me so many questions about what I wanted when I was being interrogated and how come I wouldn't just sign a piece of paper to put my friends in jail and walk free. And I just felt, well, honey, I love you and only you. But sometimes I feel friendly feelings towards other people, like I would care about them. And it just seems so outside of our family, our traditional 2.5 children, and you and me and our dog, Dingle.

No! No! Dog Dingle? His name is Doodles, honey. Oh yes, yes, Doodles, of course. It's okay. I had a feeling something like this might happen. And he puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Oh, Trudy. Now you can see he's kind of getting a little emotional. It's just we're going to have to do some more work and we might have to start over, but it's going to be okay. And he gives you a big hug. Oh, Tucker. I love you. I love you too. And he slides a screwdriver straight into the back of your neck and turns it really tight. I knew it. She's got a knot in her neck!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies Twisted in my mind And now I'm gone

All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, that's Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch is Frances Farnsworth, Will Campos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Tron, myself Freddie Wong is Tony Collette, our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernos is our DM, Beth May is Trudy Trownd, myself, Freddie Wong is Tony Collette, our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max of Waller, Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Ashley Nicolette is our community manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager,

SRLs is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. We are back from our live tour. Thank you to all of you out there who came out to see us. The sheer volume of excellent cosplay, fan art, bracelets, Tee the Tee cosplay was overwhelming. It was very cool to see us the sheer volume of excellent cosplay, fan art, bracelets, tea the tea cosplay, it was overwhelming. It was very cool to see Beth was psyched to perform music. We hope you had a great time out there. We had a blast and we're

looking forward to Europe now after we all get like 20 hours of sleep. European tour tickets though. We're coming later this year. Support season 3 of Dungeons and Dads directly at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. You'll also get previous live shows in audio and video form as well as a bunch of standalone one-shot campaigns ranging from prequels to horny Star Wars. It's a lot of stuff there. Check it out. You'll also join the likes of supporters like Keira Babiarz, Horace, Wow Wow, Corey Wixom,

Sam Matos, Ben Su, John, Jake Gibson, Will Galvez, Joseph D. Andreoni, Tatiana, Magenta Raptor, Peter Lee, Fiona Dowell, Maddie Elizabeth, Leaf Caliber, Alex Bradley, Matthew Helms, and Pinto Gritterson. That Patreon again is at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Keep an eye out for stuff around our tour showing up there soon. Multimedia delights for your consumption soon. Our website is DungeonsandDads.com where you'll find all of our links as well as our merch store. And our next episode is coming out to July 2nd. We will see you then. All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Swallowin' my dreams and makin' them scars I was looking at my character sheet and we could write phobias and manias and I wrote anacondas. Anacondas? I don't remember writing this.