Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 5 - I, Robot?

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

The team splits like a buncha bowling pins. Trudy meets some like-minded individuals, Francis and Kelsey adopt unorthodox survival tactics, and Tony blunders into a favor.This episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Tony Collette is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, is hitting the road this summer from May 31st through June 14th. We're doing part two of our US live tour. I came up with the name for this one. It's called the Areas Tour. Dungeons and Daddies, the Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're hitting the road again. Midwest and East Coast states on sale. Tickets are available now. We're starting up in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham, Tennessee, Atlanta, New York,

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Dungeons and Daddy's is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Are you alone, comrade? Make it quick. There was a shootout at the cinema. They're bringing the suspects in now. Your request for extraction is approved, agent. Thank god. I mean Stalin. Thanks, Stalin.

Gather your files on Project Heartland. Your contact will meet you tonight. His initials are T.C. T.C. Are you sure? Yes. T.C. Tonight. He'll be wearing a- Ah! Well, what is the meaning of all this? Un-head me as once, you jack-booted, suck-man! That has bitten the cheese, sir. What happens next, sir, is I rendezvous with Miss Pickett, posing as TC of KGB Contact, and this time tomorrow she'll be in the custody of MI6. And our little operation will have netted a Soviet spy and vital intelligence on the American operation to contact Zuzel.

Precisely sir, the plan is airtight. Except of course for the miniscule chance that in the next two hours or so she meets a completely different man with the initials TC who's such a total fucking idiot that when she asks if he's a Soviet spy, he says yes. A long shot to be sure sir, but you know more than most how impulsive these yanks can be, don't you? Prime Minister Winston Churchill? Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. This is a Call of Cthulhu Actual Play podcast.

This season, the Peachyville Horror. Call of Cthulhu Actual Play Horror Comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. My name is Freddy Wong. I play fast talking car dealer Tony Collette. Hi Freddy. Very jolly. I wish your voice stayed that way throughout the whole episode. You come in really hot and heavy. You're telling me that I lose it?

It's just like you'd get in a whole 110%. You gotta give me a little reminder. Look over and be like, you got to get that hot too. You know, they're really strong. Hot too. Hot too. Hot too. Hot too. That's the way I found.

No, this week's Tony fact. A lot of questions. I'm so old. I know, Matt. Damn. I know. That's over here spitting like a cat in a 1930s cartoon. Yeah, he's certainly not spitting like.

He's sucking dick. Yeah. This week's Tony Collette fact. A lot of questions in the air about Tony. Is he a communist spy? Tony is absolutely not a dirty communist. However, you may have caught some questions about his provenance, how he got here.

Well, let's talk about how Tony got Tony's cars, cars, cars. Originally, Tony got this car dealership. He bought it off of the prior owner, a shady cat by the name of Gary Indiana. I just love using it as a name now. He bought it straight cash. And here's the thing, most of his income comes from actually cash rentals

to the teenagers around town which he has not been reporting to the IRS. Instead, what he reports is the occasional sale of a car once it's become too fucking cum-draggled to fucking rent again. You think Tony's cleaning them between rentals?

Who's he selling this cum-draggled car to Freddy and who's buying it? Yeah, oh the shadiest The kinds of people who don't care that there are stains and smells in their car And I leave it up to your imagination dear listener as to what kind of ne'er-do-wells might be interested in a getaway car He peed sneaky pee maybe oh That's it you're assuming that sneaky Pete travels through Euclidean spaces of ne'er-do-wells might be interested in a getaway car. Sneaky Pete. Sneaky Pete maybe. Yeah. Oh. That's it, you're assuming that Sneaky Pete travels through Euclidean spaces.

Good point. We are in a non-Euclidean system. I want somebody to do a Photoshop of like a Snapple cap with all the text of one of Freddy's facts like on it. Just. What is this? Sorry, what is this? A zoom?

Fashion long? That's the problem, Matthew? I'm giving people too much juice. I love Matthew? I'm giving people too much juice? I'm giving people too much gristle to sink their teeth into? What the fuck is wrong with you Matt? That's what the people want. They want lore. Don't you get it? Kids love lore dude! Have you seen the skimity toilet series? There's whole videos about lore. Lore is in right now bro. Lore is so fucking in. Hey everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Kelsey

Grammer, Pete G. Ville's happiest and snappiest school marm. And remember, homework doesn't have to feel like work nor do you have to do it at home. So you know, that's all. Little fact. Wait, say that again? Homework? Homework doesn't have to feel like work and you don't have to do it at home either. If you sit on your hand first it feels like someone else is doing the homework. No! You know you can do Fun Park. You can go to a park and have and you don't have to do it at home either. If you sit on your hand first, it feels like someone else is here. No! You know, you can do fun park. You can go to a park and have fun.

Fun park? You feel like you have fun. Park fun? It doesn't have to feel like work. Anyways. Park fun is what people are doing with Tony's fun park. A little quick Kelsey Grammar lore. Ooh, a lore drop.

Yeah, it's a lore drop. It's actually important because I kind of fumbled this in like episode one or two, and I just want to clarify it almost as much for me to remember it. So Kelsey lives in the back house of her sister, I think I say brother by accident. She had an older brother, but he died in the war. And she lives in the back house of her sister

and her husband who are named Ross and Niles. And those are the parents of Milton. Milton's parents, Ross and Niles, and she is a plagiarist, as we learned last episode. Hey, don't talk about that now. That's not what we're talking about. You can't just come into my fact. Hey, Anthony, what's your fact?

Really quick, Francis is a fucking weenie. Just bring up negative aspects about the characters during their facts, Will. I think it's Beth's turn next, Matt. No, is it? No, it never is. Oh, never mind. No, no. We saved, it never is. Oh, never mind. No, no.

We saved the Beth for last. Ah! I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Varsworth, the most bullied kid in Peachyville. And my teen fact, or my peachy fact, is that- Lore, your lore drop. Sorry, my lore drop.

Peachy lore dropping. My sick lore drop. My sick lore drop. Skippity toilet episode 75 explained is that Francis's biggest crush is the film star Ingrid Bergman. When he saw Casablanca, he fell madly in love. And a kid at school said that, hey, he has a really sexy

picture of Ingrid Bergman that he can give you for 20 bucks. 20 bucks? Francis went, 20 bucks? That's like a house. And he said, it'll be worth it. And he gave the 20 bucks and it turned out to be a picture of Ingmar said it would be worth it, and he gave the 20 bucks, and it turned out to be a picture of Ingmar Bergman. I knew it.

And now... Was it sexy? Now Francis is really attracted to Ingmar Bergman, and he's trying to find a copy of the seventh seal to watch, because he's never seen it. About $260 he paid for that. Yeah, worth it, worth every penny. Hello, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout,

doting wife, homemaker, mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Fun lore drop about Trudy. Yes. Is that Trudy is a robot? How did it feel finally dropping this? Now that nobody that nobody saw coming. I'm just getting the car started It felt like hopping in a cum soaked car for a test drive and I know I've got a long way to go Love it. Hey Freddy did did it hurt when your lore dropped from heaven? I Just want to say really quick that if you search for Iggmar Bergman a sexy picture

It's only pictures of famous actresses in his movies It's in fact very hard to find a picture of Iggmar Bergman a sexy picture. It's only pictures of famous actresses in his movies. It's in fact very hard to find a picture of Igmar Bergman looking anything other than pretty bad. Maybe Francis has a different definition of what's sexy. That's true, that's true. This guy gets to hang out with all these sexy ladies. Oh, nevermind, he's definitely not into this guy. Yeah, I told you.

Yeah, I told you. And he's like, oh, Matt's being so judgy. Let me, oh, okay. Nope, nope, nope. Oh, no smiles on a summer night for this guy. Hello everyone, I'm Will Campos. I'm your Daddy-O Master. Hi Daddy-O.

Hey Daddy-O. My spooky, terrifying fact, the scariest fact I've yet dropped. Oh my goodness. Is that in order to level up in Call of Cthulhu, you're supposed to keep track of the skills you've been using over the course of the scenario, and then you make a roll to see if you want to improve

one of those skills. So the fact, scary daddy effect today, is that all of you have homework, and you have to go back and figure out which skills you've been using so far so we can level you guys up. That's awful. So if I roll over the skill limit, then I get to level it up, or what's the deal? Yes, that's how it works. But anytime we use a skill so we can level you guys up. That's awful. So if I roll over the skill limit,

then I get to level it up, or what's the deal? Yes, that's how it works, yes. But any time we use a skill, we can level it up? No. Wait, what? How it works, how it works, how it works, how it works. How it works is, we're gonna do at the start of next episode, this is very fun,

what I'm explaining right now. Okay, yeah. Hurry up, hurry up, I'm on the edge of my seat, hurry up! Give me the crunch, give me the crunch, Daddy-O. At the start of next episode, I, the keeper, will say, roll for skill increases. And at that time, you call the keeper? Yeah, that's what it's called.

At that time, it's like Eamon Bergman. Bergman hot, dude. Each of you can roll a percentage dice against any skills that you used over the last couple of episodes. So our homework will really just be, and remember, everybody, homework doesn't have to be done at home. it doesn't have to feel like work, Beth. Now hold on, will any of the skills, plural, like all the things we used?

That you used, just like you used them so you got better at them, right? So like, for example, everyone used spot hidden, right? So you have a chance, if you want to improve spot hidden, you'll roll a dice against your spot hidden score, and if it's higher than your score, you get to roll another dice. And we'll only do that for one skill.

One skill. Okay, so we only have to know one skill we've used. Yeah. We don't have to know all the skills. Yeah, we just have to. If I don't want to listen to this podcast. Like, spot hidden, cool. At any rate, homework's done.

We all used spot hidden. We all got better at spot hidden, huh? Guys, that's the only level of spot hidden in this whole campaign. You're not going to go and fucking die shit for my students. You mean I shit, Will? We're going to be sitting here rolling natty hundos on spot hidden. We're going to be there eyes wide open. This whole campaign you know fucking night shit Fucking pistol and halo dude

Well let me see is there a hidden fucking weak point is there a hidden spell I see it Fuck yeah, what dice do we roll if we do exceed the number? It is a 1d10 to increase the skills value. Okay cool. So look forward to that and we're all in right now. Are you doing spot hidden Anthony? No you're not leveling up. You're not leveling up dude. I'm writing down what I will do next time. Don't forget. So am I? Am I remarkable? Are you guys doing spot hidden? No. You can see everything for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We only need one.

We only need one omni eye. That's right. We should really split up our classes. Okay, I'll be the spot hidden as a famous class. What if you be healer? I feel like Tony Clutt's a good tank. Yeah, I'll just... No, you should be spot-hitted. You're looking for those commies. I'll be the tank. I'm the

biggest. What's your baseline spot-hitting? This is boring. Let's get into it. We level up next time. Next time, dear Liz. Next time. Don't touch it today. Make sure at the end of the episode, throw to the fact that we're going to be rolling dice to level up. What do you think the cliffhanger of this episode is going to be? Oh man.

Also, if you need some time to re-prepare the next episode because you can't hide anything in your fucking game, that's fine, you can get some extra time because you're not gonna hide shit, dog. We're gonna be finding a bunch of invisible monsters soon. Oh no. Also, supplemental bonus peachy fact, I'm gonna be guest starring on many-sided media's

new improv comedy podcast, Bicherton. It's like Bridgerton only bitchier. The pilot episode is out right now. It's fucking hilarious. They've got a Kickstarter going on seriously though, if you like sons and sons ability and have been dying for more Regency era rowdiness, give it a listen, support their show over at bitcherton.com. You are going to love it. All right. Does anyone want to play call of Cthulhu? Let's do it. Let's go, baby. Let's do it. ["Spring Day in the Forest"]

We're once again in sort of a split party scenario. I was thinking we would start, I don't know, maybe with Trudy. OK. So at the end of the last episode, you had a screwdriver plunge into the back of your neck. Boy, are my arms tired. Here's where we'll take this from.

You are lying in the passenger seat of the Thunderbird as it's driving down this long, dark highway road. You can see you cannot move your body at all. And Tucker's driving the car. You're not sure where he's going. You can talk, by the way. Oh, I can talk. You can speak, yeah.

So my mouth can move. Tucker, where are we going? We're going on a trip dear. Oh a trip. Yes Like the vacations on the commercials. That's right. We're gonna be going on a little vacation together Oh, yes, this is the perfect thing to make our family just bright shiny and new again Yes, it'll be you me and, and our 2.5 beautiful, where are they? I already sent them ahead, and they're gonna, they'll see where we're going.

Oh wow, unaccompanied miners. He turns on his signal, his turn signal, and pulls off onto a dirt road, and starts bounding up sort of like a dirt trail, kind of chugging along up a hill into the forest. It's dark out here. Yes, this is just like, do you remember when we visited Niagara Falls on our honeymoon deer? sort of like a dirt trail kind of chugging along up a hill into the forest. It's dark out here. Yes, this is just like,

do you remember when we visited Niagara Falls on our honeymoon, dear? Oh yes, I do. I do, I do remember that. And you told me that you would be with me forever. I did say that, yeah. And I was, and I always will be. And I just want you to know that I love you, honey, and

everything's just gonna be great. We're gonna figure it out. I love you, Tucker! So he's kind of bounding up this road, and you hit a jostle, and then you kind of slump forward and you realize, like, you can't pick yourself back up. Oh. Honey! Honey, there's something...

I'm hurt! I'm hurt! There's something wrong with me. I can't move! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry dear. Let me sit you back. You don't remember. You had a...there's just... There's a little something wrong and we're going to take care of it. But it's going to be okay. Okay. Well maybe we should stop at the infirmary

before we go on vacation where I can get all patched up and then I can try on my new my new swimming costume bathing suit. Um... That's right. your new swimming costume. OK, you know what? That's a good idea.

And that's where we're going. We're taking a quick stop to the ER first. There's a doctor here, and he's going to help you out. OK, great. And he pulls up and puts his car in park next to what appears to be like an old abandoned mine. Oh. Yep, the doctor's right in here.

He's right this way, sweetie. So just don't worry. Everything's going to be OK. And he unbuckles his seat. His hands are shaking. He gets out of the car and walks over to your side of the car. Tucker, where are we really? Tucker opens the door and unbuckles your seat and kind of scoops you up into his arms. I told you, silly, we're going on a vacation. Well, this is just, you said, you said, you said we were going to the ER and we're not there at all. We're in an abandoned, we're out in the middle of nowhere.

Does anybody know that we're here? Are we lost? Help! Honey, we're not lost. Everything's going to be OK. It's all going to make sense in just a second or two. And he starts walking into this tunnel. It quickly becomes very dark in here.

It's like kind of musty smells. Do you see a bunch of like old sharp broken pieces of wood, like mining equipment and stuff like that? And he's just going deeper and deeper into this tunnel. I... Tucker, please turn around. It's okay, honey. It's gonna be okay. It's not. It's...

Help! Help! I... Maybe you're not even... So he presses your ear and your voice just disappears. It's like he's turning a volume knob down on you and you can only speak in like a whisper. He stops and it's like pitch dark and he's breathing heavily and he looks down at you. He says, Trudy, I love you.

And he drops you down a mineshaft. And you fall, and you fall, and then you smash into the ground. It feels like a big jagged pile of metal and rock that you slam into. So go ahead and what's your HP? 10. Okay, give me a 1d10.

Don't roll a 10. All right. Three. Okay, so you slam into this pile of debris. It kind of broke your fall a little bit. You felt this wind rushing, and you just smashed into this thing. But you feel this sharp pain, and you swear you feel something just kind of burst

straight through your chest as you land. Oh my god. Good god. And you start to see something spark, and you realize that it's you that's sparking. Something inside of you is made of wires, and there's sparks and arcing going on, and it seems to be wrapping,

little electrical arcs are going up the thing that impaled you, and when you look at it, it's a hand. It's a rusty, kind of skeletal metal hand, and glinting on it is a ring. And you swear it looks almost identical to your wedding ring. Oh my, that's, what is that? Your head kind of lulls back

and the sparking that's going on in the room, you see these little flashes of light and you can kind of look around you and strewn about the room, you see the rusting decaying remnants of half a dozen, for lack of a better term, skeletons. They seem to be wearing clothes like you're wearing, like kind of housewifey clothes,

except they're moldering moth-eaten rags at this point. Their shattered bones reveal bits of wire and steel poking out beneath waxy, synthetic flesh. And you can't quite make out their faces or their eyes, but none of them are moving. Can you give me a spot hidden role? Mm-hmm. Wish I was there.

Oh, man. Ah! Ah! Lean on this crutch for now, keeper. I got a 92. Then you can't see the creepy thing I was going to explain. Oh, god damn it.

But you do hear a creepy thing. OK. So you hear like a sort of grinding noise, sort of like mechanical engines kind of straining, and you hear two feet dragging across the ground, sort of scraping against debris on the ground and kind of shambling towards you, as echoing in this big mineshaft.

I still can't move. You can't move, you notice that your fist is wrapped around something. Okay. There's something in your hand, you don't remember it being there, but you can't move you can't move you notice that your fist is wrapped around something. Okay? There's something in your hand You don't remember it being there, but you can't move your hand yet And my hand is in front of me or too far down for me to see yeah, you can see your hand It's like your head's kind of turned to the side and you can see your fist, but you don't know what's in there What does it feel like in my hand is it like cool? Or is it like hot or it doesn't feel you know? This is something the size of like a quarter.

Quarter, okay. And again, you hear the scraping noise kind of coming towards you. Stop, whoever you are, stop. I, I, hello? Oh dear, oh dear. It looks like he still has work to do. You hear this glitchy, stuttery voice

that sounds all too familiar because it's your voice. Oh my God. And you hear these footsteps drawing closer, but you still can't quite see who it is. That's my Tucker, Mr. Perfectionist. Oh, how I miss him. And little Tuck, and Tiffany, and even precious little Timmy.

They must be so lost without their mommy. Yes, I should be getting back- what do you mean your Tucker? What's that dear? Call out to me. I know you're there. Yes, hello! I- hello! I- yes! Hi! I'm Trudy, Trudy Trout! I know dear, we all are. We're all in this together, you see. And you hear more shuffling closer and closer, and then you hear a gasp.

Oh dear me. And you feel something grabbing that metal hand above you. You see another hand grabbing it, and again... Wait! What are you... Oh dear me, this looks like it hurts. And right through the ticker too, right through your little heart. Oh, I'm afraid you're not going to last long with a little boo boo like this, sweetie. And you look up and you can't quite see her face,

but she's kind of looming over you in shadow. Can you fix it? We can't fix it, but we can all be together. No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm, this is my, I'm special, I'm Tucker's, I, I, why am I down here? Because you weren't good enough, and I wasn't good enough. But together, we can be good enough. All of us can be just as good as her if we all work together. She touches your face.

There's flesh on it, but it's kind of like clammy and moldering. It looks like it's just been like kind of decaying and you can see little bits of something mechanical under there. And she touches your face and kind of strokes your cheek. Oh, look at you. Pretty as a picture. Just what we've been waiting for. See, we're almost ready to go. To go home.

To go home to Tucker. But we can't go home looking like this. We're in a frightful state. And she leans in, and you see your own face staring back at you, except it looks like someone's been stabbing her in the face over and over and over again. There's all these puncture wounds. There's oil leaking out.

And just like that screwdriver that slid into the back of your neck, there's a screwdriver just buried straight in her face. And she's staring down at you. And you realize she's stitched together from ripped off parts of all the other skeletons you've seen down here. Like one of these things survived

and put itself back together, except her face is completely distorted and ruined. And she looks at you and says, we can't go home yet. We need to put on our face masks. And she holds this jagged rock up to your cheek. And just then something glows in your fist like a red white strobing glow and all of a sudden your hand opens and you see a

peppermint in there and it sort of dissolves and you feel an energy running through your body and all of a sudden you can move again what do you do I grab my her hands okay and try to push it away from my neck. You guys are the same build She's gonna fight back she's gonna try to struggle against you. So give me your strength roll Darnate I got an 81 and I'm a 60 Pose she has some sort of disadvantage cuz she's like molding and rotting and shit. Yes, that's true We will give her she's also made of the best parts because she's like molding and rotting and shit. Yes, that's true.

We will give her a... She's also made of the best parts of all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Not even the best parts, just the ones that weren't broken. Okay, so she got a 68, which means you both failed. So you guys are just locked up. Okay. Rattling against each other right now.

It's okay, it's okay. We're all going to be there together. We're all going to go home together. I'm supposed to be together with Tucker. Give me your face! No! Give me your face! I have to see them again. Oh, you, you, you love them too? You, you, you, you, you, Tucker. I do. I do. And we'll be good this time. We'll be good enough for them, but I need your face. I'm good enough. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the perfect wife. I, I, I cook and I clean and I, and I, and I even got a good score on our bowling team. She grabs the thing sticking out of your chest

and pushes it in deeper. Oh, God. We'll call that a melee attack, and then we'll let you do something to resist this melee attack. If she's leaning over me, I kind of want to kick her ass from under her. So like use both of my feet to just kind of kick up.

All right, we'll call that a fight back. Does that sound right? Okay, so you're just trying to knock her off of you, essentially. right, we'll call that a fight back. Does that sound right? Okay, so you're just trying to knock her off of you. Yes. Okay, give me a melee attack. I had a catastrophic failure. I rolled a 97.

So she rolled a regular failure, both fail no damage inflicted. She's trying to push this thing down, but she's let go of your face. She's now trying to basically kill you by chattering your electronic heart. So she's pushing down on this thing with all her mouth I'm a human being can't you have any mercy I'm a human being I I'm just like you I

really am just like you what are you trying to you choose you want to call that a psychology what do you feel so she's like, you're nothing like me. I came first. I was the first one he made. I'm the one who deserves to be up there. Well, we're both down here. We both, he He did this, didn't he? He, he, he did this to us. It was him. It was, it was, it was him all the, all the time. All the time that he was downstairs inventing. And he just, he doesn't care about me at all.

He does. He does care about us. He cares about her. And we are her. And that's why. And it will be okay. And don't you blame him. Don't you blame him. I'm going to get up there. We're going to get up there. We're going to get up there. I I'm gonna get up there. We're gonna get up there. We're gonna get up there I'm gonna get up there. No, I do. I do blame him. Don't you don't you see we're not supposed to Listen listen to reason. I am all alone. I I'm so scared. Give me a persuade with advantage Okay, I feel like you're hitting a nerve here. Yes You got it. Yeah, I got it. I got a two. Oh wow, so that's a critical success. So when she hears you say you're scared, it cuts deep to her and she stops

and she just looks down at your face for a second. She sees the fear in your eyes and she sees how much it resembles her own fear and she just sits there. She's like frozen. She doesn't know what to do. I think there's something inside of me that is alive. I feel like I have a, I feel like you do too. I feel like we don't need him really. You know, we could just, we could,

we, we're, we're our own women. We're our own women. We're our own. I'm just going to do a straight luck roll to see how she takes this. She rolled a 22, which is good. She stops and she backs off and she looks at you. You're right. You're right. And she reaches her hand out for you. I'm not going to take it, but I am going to try a stand up.

Okay. You're a little impaled here. So give me a strength roll. I pass. I get up. Okay. Describe climbing up this wrecked impalement of this hand. Describe climbing up this wrecked impalement of this hand. Describe climbing up this wrecked impalement of this hand. Paint me the picture. Women are powerful, but they don't hate each other.

Trudy feels this hand through her chest sliding out of her chest. Trudy feels this hand through her chest sliding out of her hand. Paint me the picture. OK, so powerful, but they don't need each other. Trudy feels this hand through her chest sliding out of her and her insides arranging in a way that does feel very mechanical, detached from like her feelings and her aliveness. And it feels really weird. It feels like if you've ever cut yourself chopping vegetables and you don't quite register at first and then you see the blood, it feels like that as she slides up and can see basically herself standing in front of her and feel the parts of her that are damaged. Trudy Alpha, let's say that.

Trudy Alpha. So we'll call you Trudy, this is Trudy Alpha. Okay. Trudy Alpha watches in awe as you kind of climb off of this pyre that you found yourself sort of spiked on. And she holds you. And as she touches you, you realize that whatever piece of machinery in your chest got impaled by this thing is just spurting out fluid.

It's just leaking. And you can feel this burst of power that you've had beginning to wane. And your knees go weak, and you kind of fall into her arms. She swoops you up into her arms. So she's got you kind you kind of fall into her arms. She swoops you up into her arms. So she's got you kind of cradled in her arms. She's like, it's okay. I'm going to get you out of here. It's going to be okay. And she starts walking off into this dark mind shaft in search of an exit in search of a way out. You can feel your consciousness

beginning to fade. You can feel the light going out. Oh no. Do you have anything you want to say before you conk out? I can cook a chicken, whether or not there is somebody to eat it. What? And then as you say that, Beth, your eyes go dimmer and dimmer and dimmer. You can't tell if it's because you're just plunging deeper

into this network of tunnels or if it's because your vision is slowly fading. But as it gets darker, you feel something, a light on your nose, and it's a little moth. And you look up at it, and off in the distance, as you glance over Triti Alpha's shoulders, you see two glowing red eyes watching you in the darkness. Oh, no! that critics are calling mind-bendingly brilliant, featuring an all-star cast led by Emma Stone,

Jesse Plemons, and Willem Dafoe. Kinds of Kindness is a wild ride that will leave audiences discussing the experience long after it's over. Don't miss Kinds of Kindness, now playing in select theaters. So that's what's going on with Trudy. So does Beth roll a new character now?

No. She's not dead? No, she still has hit points. That means it's a cliffh on with Trudy. So does Beth roll a new character now? No. She's not dead? No, she still has hit points. That means it's a cliffhanger. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes in drama you make the audience think something is going on.

Oh, I see. So if we never go to find Mothman, we'll never find Trudy. Francis. Yes. Meanwhile, we fly out of this mine, back across the rolling hills to measure the- We fly out of the mine.

They haven't invented the cut yet. They haven't invented the jump cut yet, so we gotta do this. Are back across the rolling hills to- We flied them. Oh, the mine. They haven't invented the cut yet. They haven't invented the jump cut yet. So we gotta do- Are we following the moth? We're following the moth! That's so sick, bro! What a one take podcast.

Yeah, so yeah, this is officially a one take episode now. Sort of like a kooky Danny Elfman score is playing as this- The moth avoids burp. Fuck, paint me a picture, dude. This moth flutters all the way over to the house. HURK HURK! A bus almost hits it. You hear a bunch of the teens, OI IT'S AN AMERICAN MOLE!

Honey you want dinner? The moth flies underneath like an open windowsill. There's a dog chasing it. It gets distracted by a light, a dog almost eats it, and then why the heck? Man, what a journey this moth is on. And then the moth finally lands on the windowsill of the back house of one Kelsey Grammer. Whereupon inside, we find a cowardly teenage boy hiding under a bed.

Francis, the goons are still here. Oh my! Do you got anything you wanna do, anything you wanna say to the crowd? Anything you wanna do? You still hiding? You still good? Nothing's changed in this situation, so nothing's going to change about my behavior.

Hold on, though. I'm going to outlast these fuckers and you the DM. All right. Some questions for the room. When's the last time Francis? Oh, we're going to get to that, Freddie. Don't worry. Masterpiece?

No. No, pee. Poopoo and pee-pee. Poopoo pee-pee. It hasn't been long enough for that. I feel like a certain age is easier to withhold Yeah, roll for prostate. Yeah, you think he's not good at doing it fucking silently Do you think he hasn't been training and fucking zero G?

We will get to the matter of whether Francis needs to get his poops out in a second But so for now you're not doing anything. So you see these big sexy Sven pacing back and forth as he widdles a stick or something like that? Is he barefoot or what? He's not barefoot. He's widdling a moth, and he's looking at them. He's like, oh, thanks.

Now I got something to look at. No, no, the moth lands on the still, and then Sven kills him, and you're like, oh, Sven's a bad guy. Yeah. That's exactly what happens. He goes, moths, I hate them. But they taste delicious, and he eats it.

Like, this guy's weird. Whoa, this guy's also a weirdo. He's why it's delicious. He eats it like this guy's weird. This guy's also a weird He's just like Homelander from AMC's the boys. It's Amazon's. Yes Amazon prize What a compliment you just gave the boys Could you imagine AMC's like we've got Batman and the boys AMC. AMC. Could you imagine AMC like, we've got like... Batman and the police.

They would have tried it. They would have tried it, man. All right. That's what Francis has going on. Oblivious to all of this, the moth flies over. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To keep our one taking going. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Cool. It desperately tries to warn... Wait, it's dead. It's dead. What the fuck are you talking about? It laid eggs like somewhere along...

Oh, we followed the eggs of the moth. Yes. And then the baby moths come out and they disperse but we follow one small like baby runt. And it's wing is fucked up, it's the runt. Yeah. Kelsey reaches out like fucking Jessica Chastain and Tree of Life just lands on her finger. You're on your way home.

And I eat the moth. Mm. All right, yeah, Kelsey ate the moth and now she's walking home. All right. Okay. What do you eat again? You go up to the house, what are you doing? Oh yeah, sure. I mean, moth and now she's walking home. All right. Okay. What are you going to do? You going to go up to the house? What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, I don't know anything's wrong. So be wrong to like be suspicious. I do take a glance to see if Milton's hanging around. But you don't see Milton anymore. Okay. I'm going to knock on the door of my sister's. Okay.

He set you up, dude. He set you up with this fact like the jab and now here comes the right hook you've been waiting for the whole time. The door opens and your sister, Roz, I believe it was. Why is it Roz and Niles? What, that's their names. I just thought it would have been Daphne and Niles.

Not Daphne and Niles? Yeah, I know. All right. God! Roz. Matt's like, this was what I wanted. This is how it should have ended. My ship.

This is my ship. I like my sister's name being Roz. So Roz. Roz and Niles. I like my sister's name being Roz. Yeah, I don't want that. Roz opens the door. Hey, Roz.

Hi, Kelsey. Yeah, sorry it's late. Did you hear Melton come in? Yeah, Melton's been asleep this whole time, I think. Oh, he has not. Um, sorry it's late. Did you hear Melton come in? Yeah, Melton's been asleep this whole time I think. Oh, he has not. Yeah. I hate to be, but you know, we've talked about how he seems, you know, he's that age.

He's interested in- What age? He's been hanging around my place quite a bit. Well, you're his favorite aunt. I know. Okay, no, that's not getting to that. Ross, he ran off to the police station because I was arrested, Alex. You were arrested. I know you're such a worry buddy, but just wait a second. A worry buddy. That's a new one. Yeah. Is that classic Kelsey isms. Well, it's classic Kelsey isms. Yeah. I was arrested because, um, so it's a whole thing.

It's a whole thing, but I'm fine. I'm obviously not your sister. So I care about you. So tell me why you were arrested. Well, Kelsey, do you miss mom? Yeah, I mean, I miss her a lot. Yeah, it's expensive. It's expensive to get to Florida, but we can get there at some point. Yeah, I miss her. It's been a while. I don't know why we buried her in Florida. She's alive. It's in my... Oh my God. I've never seen no bus like this is my character sheet Her parents are in Florida My character not show me show me where it says she's alive

You walk over here and show me Significant people her parents are still significant people her parents are still alive Parentheses both in their 90s and she loves calling them on the weekend, but they went to retire She lives with her sister and husband in the back house Ross, are you okay? I know your eggs is a lot but mom and dad. They're not dead. They're in a nice home Mom's dead to me You know why? Holy shit you love to see it

But I still miss her Square that circle I understand Well this has been a great talk, but I gotta get Milton up for school in the morning. I was just letting you know he's sneaking around at night. I don't believe you. Oh, okay, Ross.

Well, you know what? I just, you know, we're doing you this favor by letting you stay. Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I know what's going on, okay? So like, I get it. I get it, you're so judgy, and I don't know anything, and I don't know how to raise a kid,

but I'm just telling you, Milton's running around, so. Well, I wouldn't say any of that. No, what? Maybe mom was right about you, and I close the door. Oh my God. You completely close the door for her. I can't believe they have this kind of relationship and she lives in the back house.

Yeah. Oh, it's. I knock again. Yeah, what's up? Hi, Roz, I love you. I love you too. You're my favorite sister. You're my best friend.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it's been a lot. I hope we're not waking up. It's been a weird age. He takes after his mother. I hope we're not waking up. Yeah. I know it's horrible and I hope we don't wake up now because I'm really sorry. You're the best. You know what?

What? We're both women. Yeah. Women can be women. Yeah, I believe that. That's what I said earlier. The theme of the episode. Okay.

Well, I'm just going to go into my house. Okay. If there's anything bad back there, you just let me know. Okay, I will. All right. I love you, Roz. I love you too I'm just gonna go into my house. Okay. If there's anything bad back there, you just let me know. Okay, I will. All right, I love you, Roz.

I love you too, I'm gonna go to sleep. Okay, goodnight, Niles. Good night. What an asshole. Good night, Milton. Milton's being asleep, what the fuck? No, he wasn't asleep, he just left us. Oh, she's trying to fuck with him. Yeah, he's trying to trick her,

thinking that Milton would be like, good night. You hear from a bush outside, good night, Kelsey. God damn it. All right, I'm going to walk towards my back house. Okay. And I don't think anything's there. I'm just gonna walk straight up to the door. Okay, you notice that the door.

Well, hold on, check his spot hidden. Yeah. I'm gonna roll spot hidden. I was gonna throw you a freebie, but give me that spot hidden too. I failed. I have 50 spot hidden. I was going to throw you a freebie, but give me that spot. No, I failed. I have 50 spot hidden. I rolled a 75. Okay. That's not going to be loving up this. Well, in that case, you don't notice anything, but you do notice because anybody would notice the front door of your house has been kicked in by a big 1950s foot.

I can tell what sort of foot kicked it in? Yes, you can because you- This foot isn't from the future. And nor is it a dainty foot from the past. The foot wound on this door looks fresh. You don't remember it being there this morning. Fresh and modern. So the door's not open, but you can tell someone kicked this door hard enough that it came off and there's like a light on inside.

Kelsey instantly, instantly drops the floor and rolls along the grass and gets to like the side of the house and opens up the little vent and crawls underneath their house. Like underneath their house. Yeah, because it's like those back houses got a little crawlspace underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Trax, you're underneath the house. Okay, I'm trying to peek through the floorboards. Give me a listen, Roll. Oh, there's another skill for your ears, not your eyes, my friend. Which will you choose? Which will you choose which will you choose to level up Matt? God damn it, I probably listen. The better you are at seeing the

worse you are at hearing. I only have 25 and listen so I roll a 30 so I don't hear anything. You don't want to spend five luck points? Oh this was the other thing I was gonna say. Oh this is the other good thing I know this was my very fun fact. At any point if you wish to reroll a roll you can do what's called pushing a roll. Okay. Oh. Justify how, justify how and why you could try again, and failing, so basically you get to reroll, however, comma.

Failing a push roll is typically very bad. It's like a riskier move. So if you fail this push roll, there will be consequences. I'm taking a page from the fucking brilliant player named Anthony Birch. I'm not going to push a role. I'm just going to just stay underneath the house and wait till I get fucking the gates. Yo, we're fucking sitting there waiting for the sniper to pop his fucking head out.

You could have just I was ready to just walk into the house willy-nilly, but you said that she could tell that somebody kicked in the door. So now she is pretty sure that somebody's coming to collect. So she is fucking being cautious. So I will sit there until you let me roll without pushing, because I'll just sit there quietly unless maybe they make a noise, maybe they drop their whittling thing. I want to see what's going on in there.

They're whittling. You're going to wait until I let you do it. Maybe they dropped their whittling thing. I want to see what's going on in there My goal is for every player to converge on this location and wait, how do we get Tony here? I want to go I'm gonna scoot around underneath and I want to go to underneath my bed where I know there's like a Oh my god and underneath there you see a moth Wait, are you under the house? Yeah, I'm under my little back house. Oh, so you're gonna go under your bed. So you're under the floorboards.

Yeah, I'm in the crawl space under the floor. Okay, give me a stealth role. Okay. Please fail this for fuck's sake. No. Matt, you burned all the luck you got to spend. You fucking burned this one. Nothing is happening in this fucking back house.

This house is gonna be too Swedish men getting hot Oh, I have 20 I got 21 56 that's all right So yeah, I I move and I'm underneath the bed The reason the bed is where it is is because it's old wood and whatnot. There's a nice little knotted hole there. There's a good, almost like,

not for four fingers to get through. Okay. That was just, not all at once. I was like, what? That's how you bet. And so I spent one luck. I'm getting to the bed because there was a knot there. So I want to see if I can like hear with a, you know,

there's a hole there so I can push my ear up again. So if I look, or maybe do I hear Frank or do I? What do you want to do? Just tell me what you want to do. Do I see Francis? Does he's under the bed? It's dark under the bed.

Okay. So no. Oh, okay. Well, give me a spot hidden baby. Spot hidden baby. Spot hidden baby. Do I hear his breathing? That's a different roll. If you want to listen, you can give me a listen roll.

Just give me both. I got 24, I fucking pass this shit out. Alright, you see Francis. I go up to the little guy, Francis. Do I have to roll to hear that or just hear that? You can, well, oh no, this is is here's what we're going to do. I must bring that quietly. Francis.

If you want to listen. If you want to. Do I know stuff for all? No, no, no, no. If you yeah, OK, if you want to say it quiet enough that they won't hear it outside, that other people in the house might not hear it. Yeah. Then Francis needs to make a listen role.

Okay. And we will say it needs to be a hard listen role for Francis. You sure? My listens already shitty. He's right there. He's right there. He's like, he's there. All right. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. What you're hoping is that he's just not asleep. My's my listen is a 20 and I got a 78 my role Okay, I will not be spending luck. Oh, yeah, there's a decent chance. He's asleep. I'm My finger up in the home Finger All four fingers up there and I'm because I know he's there and I'm just like trying to wave

That was perked up on that. What's going on, Beth? I didn't do shit. You perked up. I didn't perk up shit. Spot hidden or anything? I'm waving. No, you get to do that.

Francis, give me. I say Francis spot hidden. Are you trying to poke him? I mean, I know he's there. You tell me, is he on top of the hole? If he's on top of the hole, then I'm just poking him. Let's. You want the control.

You got to take him, my man. You tell me where Francis is. Let's... You want the control, you gotta take it my man. You tell me where Francis is. Let's... Just give me a straight D100. If it's over 50, Francis is above the hole. And under 50, you will be poking him under 50, and he will not be on the hole. He's not on the hole.

He's not on the hole. Yeah. All right. So your fingers poke up through the hole. Yeah, and I'm waving them around. Okay, Francis, give me a spot hit and roll to see if you see the fingers. I have a 25 spot hit and I rolled an 81. Okay, doesn't seem.

Well, I know he's there, right? Yeah. Okay, I mean, clearly I'm not going to do anything until he notices me. What else would I do? I know he's there! Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep waving, fine, fine. I grab a pebble, I grab a pebble from the ground, I'm in the dirt. I grab the pebble, I'm gonna stick the pebble up with my. I'm in the dirt. I grab the pebble I'm gonna stick the pebble up with my two fingers in the hole and flick it at him

Sven definitely the boys definitely check to see if you can hit him even if he misses me I feel like I might hear it. Yeah, but so might Sven and the boy. Yeah, so give me a dexterity check Sven and the boy yeah, so give me a dexterity check 54 out of 60 all right so yes you hit Francis with a pebble I'm wildly moving my fingers I feel like Francis should have to roll to silently react to this cuz you're not expecting stealth Yeah, give me a stealth roll my stealth is 90 and I got a 75 I'll roll stealth anytime you like my man Communication achieved.

So Francis subtly tries to Stealth roll. Reorient his body. 72. Stealthily reorient his body so he can look down and through the hole and see Kelsey eye to eye. Just big wide eyes looking back at you. Francis gives you wide eyes too. No, I'm not even gonna think I've point and I kind of do like a little question mark

Like look what's up? Francis Francis points at them Francis makes an R with his fingers, and then Francis does this, like strangling motion, and then points at you. And then... I start speaking to him in ASL.

I don't know. Okay, so then I look, I go, okay. And then I give him like a wait one second, and then I'm going to slowly get out of the house. Stealth roll. My stealth's only 20, 47. I failed the stealth roll. Hey, what the heck is that?

I hear something under the house, Sven. I'm gonna roll out of the house and sprint. Okay. Oh, Matt. Matt, you were. Matt, you were. Matt, you know what you could've done? What?

Could've jammed the door up. That's right. And trapped me in the heat with me. No, but yeah, I'm not gonna trap, yeah. You want tomed the door up. Trafficking me in the ear with me. Yeah, I'm not going to trap. Yeah. You want to roll out. Yeah. And then run. Yeah. And you're not trying to be stealthy anymore. No, I mean, because you said they heard something.

They heard something down there. I didn't roll enough. They're like, it must be Kelsey. It must be Kelsey. She must have. She must have command to roll under the house. She's been watching us and listening to us this whole time. That's the only logical conclusion. So you're going to roll under the house. That's going to make a lot of noise,

but give me a dexterity roll. I pass that easily. I got 60 decks. Okay, so you roll out. Yeah. You create all this ruckus as you're doing it. Ross, Niles, Ross, Niles. As you say that, you hear the front door burst open.

You're out from underneath it, right? And I'm running into the front door of my sister's house. Let's take this one step at a time. So you've cleared the house. Tor is at the front door He sees you covered in dirt under the house. What's your dexterity score? 60? We're gonna compare to see who gets to move first. She's limber. This is a 70 so before you shout He is going to try to tackle you. Okay he is going to try to tackle you. Okay. I feel like I'm shouting.

Okay, alright, then you get to shout. You get to shout, fine. He's gonna try to tackle you and pin you to the ground. So we're gonna call this a brawl attack. Okay. What's your build size? Is beefy an option, what is it? Zero.

Okay, he's got a build score of one. So actually we're gonna call this a maneuver. So he's trying to pin you to the ground. I, seeing that that's what's happening, I'm not getting up to run yet. The moment I see him leaping, I'm going to roll back under the house. You fucker.

You're like, I'm screaming, Ross, dial! And I'm rolling underneath the house because he's bigger. All right, so that's a dodge. You would call that a dodge, right? So now we're gonna resolve this. Sure, hope Miles remembers his sniper training from the army.

This is gonna be his strength versus your... His Springfield M1 versus your... You should have a skill called dodge. Do you think Tony Collette suddenly realized like, you know, I shouldn't let a woman walk home by herself and then slowly fuck up. Fuck, he's drunk as hell. And he respects women. He's just, she can just take care of herself. Do you think he was drunk enough to be like, maybe I got a chance with Kelsey and should follow her home? Okay, he rolled a 76. So yes, you successfully roll under the fucking house. Okay, and you're screaming to your sister.

Yep, and Niles. And Niles. Who I just talked to, we know they're awake. You know they're awake. Call the cops! They're inside their house. And you're in the back house. Give me a straight luck roll to see if they hear you.

Oh, Milton would hear though. Shit, that is right. Milton would hear. He was outside hiding in the bush. 47 and I got 50, yeah. God fucking dammit. All right. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Look, I'll give you guys money later.

What are you doing? Don't come to my place. Niles! Okay, so Niles and Roz and Milton all run outside and see this guy trying to grab you and he realizes that he's in trouble and he goes, oh shit, Sven, we better get out of here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then Sven comes out. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, yes.

As all the rigmarole is happening there, Francis is going to reach out with both hands and grab Sven by the ankles and pull as hard as he possibly can to make him fall over. That's a surprise. So we'll say that this is just a fighting brawl. We'll call this a maneuver. What's your build? My build is zero. OK, his is one. So it's going to be a penalty dice. But there's also a surprise, right? So like they cancel each other out. You're still smaller than him and you're trying to trip him up.

So I have to roll with disadvantage. Yeah. Give me a fighting brawl with disadvantage. OK, so I got a 57 and my fighting brawl is 65., so he eats shit on the ground so I'm gonna crawl out okay and Flip him over sit on his chest and take out my ice cream scoop. Oh my god. Oh my god Okay, he looks up at you in complete astonishment and He's a new guy New guy in this room, and he's gonna punch you in the face.

Dude he's having his own Cthulhu ass moment dude. Imagine you've been in a room for four hours and then a new guy just went in there. A kid with an ice cream scoop. A child with a weapon has been here the whole time. Okay he's gonna try to get you off of him by punching you in the face. We'll resolve this and then we'll go back outside. He's gonna take a swing at you so I'm gonna roll his fighting brawl. What would you like to do? You can fight back, dodge, do nothing, or flee.

I wanna fight back. I'm gonna try to jam the scoop into his eyeball. Scoop his eye out. Whoa, bro! Give me a... You had a dream about killing people is cool, so... Well, that's how it starts. Fucking glad Francis is on our team. Give me a fighting brawl world I think with it too. You even get to do a cool Duke nukem ass catchphrase as you do it. He okay

Yeah, you what happens? What do you do? Two scoops for the price of one! And then you fold the eyes. Yeah, that's exactly what I do. Wait, what'd you say? Two scoops for the price of one! And I take out both of his eyes. What?

Ah! All right. Ah! Who's paying for this? He's gonna roll. I saved your life! I haven't seen this yet. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be running in because I know you're in yet. I'm definitely going to be running in.

Cause I know you're in there. He takes 4 damage and he's blind. That's it, huh? 4 damage. That's like half your damage. I rolled 2 1d4, one for each eye. Jesus. Okay, so Sven is blinded. And he screams in agony as you pop his two eyeballs out of his head.

Jesus, man. I think it should be one attack per eyeball. That's fine. I was just laughing. Alright the other one works too. 52 out of 65. Well let's just, alright let's fucking fuck it. Okay so you pop his eyeballs out. What's the sound of that? We'll let Esther just taste. It's like the sign. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. All right, so two eyeballs roll out onto the floor. Sven screams in agony. To be clear, they would be tethered via optic nerve. I know, but they would still be tethered via optic nerve. Not if you had strong scooping,

you could pull them out, you could break those nerves. How strong do you think they are? You can scoop them out, you can scoop them out. He scooped them out, like a knife. Would it be less weird if they were just dangling there, like resting on his cheeks? I'm just saying naturally that's what happens All right. Yes, okay. Yes, so Sven's eyes are now dangling from his eye sockets. Give me a sanity roll Anthony Okay, I have 40 sanity and I rolled a 72. Okay, give me a 1d6 sanity roll for the gruesomeness of what you see

And to clarify there's two guys right? Thor is outside getting yelled at by everyone that you brought into the fight Yeah And now Sven is blinded and writhing in agony on the ground and he looks like someone who killed the moth, right? Sven is the one fuck him fuck that guy Six all right about ten Newtons of force to pull the eyeball out entirely No, I'm only nine Newton strong darn which is about to be clear about lifting a one liter bottle. Yeah, it's not very much Okay Okay, give me an intelligence role about lifting a one liter bottle of water. Yeah, it's not very much. OK. All right.

OK. Give me an intelligence roll. My intelligence is 65. You rolled an 88. You rolled an 88. OK, good for you. Because when you lose 5 plus sanity from one source, you're supposed to go temporarily insane for D10

hours. But because you failed your intelligence roll, you suppress the memory of doing this. Hell yeah. You've blacked out. Sven's screaming on the ground. Let's jump back outside. Tor sees the situation is rapidly going south.

Ross and Niles are like, hey, buddy, who are you? Get away from my sister. Oh, yes, I agree. You should, who are you? This is quite improper. I'm going to call the police. Milton's over there like, oh, they got in. I failed.

I failed you, Kelsey. I'm so sorry. Kelsey, what do you want to do? Seeing that Tor is not trying to get me, I'm going to run into the house to see that Francis is okay So you're gonna run into the house okay, so now you get to make a sanity roll I have 40 Sandy, and I rolled a 19 okay, so that means that you are 49 I've seen you've seen a couple eyeballs

Blindness yeah, this is exactly Yeah, you can also be blindness. Yeah, this is exactly like oh, this is another way to get blind Be like balls comma I I look I'm gonna look every type of ball. Yeah ball comma basket balls comma testicles balls come I'm gonna look at Francis. Oh Francis. Oh god. I'm so sorry. You got mixed up in this hand. Hand me the scoop, darling. Hand me the scoop. Oh, it's mine. I know, but I just hurt so bad. I know. But it's just hand me the scoop. Come on. Take my scoop when you pry from my cold dead hands. I'll give it back to you. I promise. Okay. You're gonna give it back to me. I don't

want you to get in trouble. Just trust me. I'm just good pocket it. Oh, okay. Well, I was gonna say that I was the one that did this because I know he did it. I saw him do it. You're the last thing I ever saw. You didn't see anything. Yeah. You're going to tell the tough guys back at the place that you got beat by a 12 year old. Oh, you're right. I'm 16, but yeah, same premise goes. Come on, Sven. Get up. Kelsey, Kelsey. And he gets up and he's just kind of clutching his eyes.

He's like, Kelsey be this doesn't change anything I owe you money. Just don't go to my place. Okay. Well we still want the money. I know Any strays to kick going as fast as I can Balls and just rip him out of his fucking skull right I'm gonna grab his eyeballs and rip him out of his skull because he's being rude to my friend. Okay. Which is the approximate force required to hold two apples. Easy.

Easy. Okay. Or pressing down on the bathroom scale with one finger. He's covering his hands with his eyes right now. So what are you gonna do to get his eye? I'm gonna tickle his armpits. Oh, what a fuck. Yo, Francis fights dirty.

This is fucking wild. If Francis was a bully, he would be sick. Bullies bully people. Hurt people hurt people. I don't think that someone who's in that much pain is gonna respond to being tickled. I'm gonna kick him in the balls. What if you're just like, babe, babe,

come on, let me see your face. All right, you kick him in the balls. We'll call it a surprise because he can't see that you're doing this. This is automatically successful. He wouldn't hear my foot coming. You kick him in the ding dong. Okay, so he doubles over in pain, his eyes.

So I'm gonna grab his eyes. I'm not gonna pull them yet. And I'm gonna go, I think you mean to apologize to my friend That's okay Francis, thanks so much just let them go for I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry good boy and I'm gonna let it go Okay, look just tor get in here and then then TOR comes in and TOR's like It's getting pretty bad out there. Oh my god TOR has to take a sanity roll. TOR's gonna take a sanity roll at this You literally walked into the wrong room motherfucker

Sanity 60 he got 46 so he's like oh Sven not again He got a 46, so he's like, oh Sven, not again. You and your loose eyeballs. Okay. Sven, Tor, oh my brother. And he runs over and hugs me. He's like, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna get you fixed up. We'll grow you new eyeballs, pal.

Francis, okay, just leave it. Okay, Sven, Tor. Look, shut up, shut up. Here, I have the amount of, here, here, look. It's not enough. We already counted your stupid money. Hey, hey, do you want to listen or not? They're very well cops. Okay. What we'll get out of here. We won't call the cops

Here's all the money I have right now. It's the most I have right now Okay, and I'm going to get it. Give me one more week. I'll give you the money, but don't come into my house Don't try to steal this money. This is your money. You'll get it my Anderson the leader of the Anderson gang our mother she says it's time to collect and we don't come back with the money someone's coming back tomorrow So you got a problem on your hands no matter how many eyeballs you rip out. Oh really next motherfucker better have glasses You tell you tell your mother that's the best I can do one week and if that doesn't work out well, we'll talk again Maybe we'll stretch it out another week. I'll be out Wasn't the world war enough to learn that violence isn't the answer it's just boxing just like

But what boxing what about boxing this is you owe us money Oh Betting yeah, are you a boxer? Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. Sporks betting. Yeah. Are you a boxer? Yeah. Well, yeah, that's why I mean, I bet on. Yeah. What do you mean you're a boxer? Tor says.

Oh, you know, I box from time to time. Yeah. Look at the speed bag in the corner. Yeah. And then Tor looks at the speed bag. I'm OK from my age. Tor would give a conspiratorial look to Sven right now, but Sven can't look at him. Sven kind of like looks around.

I grab one of his eyes and point it at Tor. Oh, it can't see out of that. You, come on. The nerve's still connected. You can probably see it, right? You see this? How many fingers am I holding up? I, Tor looks at Sven and he looks at you.

He says, when you say you're pretty good, lady, how good do you think you are? I'm like, let's see, five times. I've won five times and I've lost twice. And then he looks at Sven and Sven pokes you, Anthony, to turn his eyeball towards Tor. No problem. And then the two of them look at each other and Tor comes over and whispers and Sven's ear. And Tor looks up and says, okay lady, I think we got a deal we can make with you. Oh great, so yeah, I'll pay you back in one week.

No, that's not the deal. Here's the deal. You want my Anderson off your back? You want the Anderson gang to quash this debt? Yeah, well no, I want to pay back the debt rightfully, because I should, because it's my debt. Okay, well then I tell you what we're going to do. There's a fight tomorrow night. Out at that old weird bunker on the edge of town. Underground Fight Club kind of stuff. Who am I fighting? You'd be up against a real heavy hitter from South Dakota named Dakota Johnson.

We're going to trap her in a web of pain. I feel bad for her. Didn't her mom pass away after- Decode is a bigger fella. He's about the size of South Dakota. And he's as ornery as your average Decodin too, don't you know? Our fighter up and ran away from town.

We got a lot of money on this fight. We got a lot of angry people. If we got a no show, so tell you what, you go the three rounds and this fight tomorrow night, your problems with the Anderson gang are over. You see Kelsey's kind of like scratching her neck a little bit. And she's like, well, what the odds be on me?

Like nobody would expect me to win, right? Nobody would expect me to win, right? You don't even have to win. You just have to go to the three rounds? That's true, but I'm just thinking about other supplementary bets that could be made. Yeah, let's just read! Prop bets, Matt. Prop bets.

Well, you know, they'll... Another supplementary in my world. That's between you and your lord, lady, but... I'm just asking what the odds are. Come on, give me the odds. What's the odds? What are the odds going to be? Give me the odds.

It doesn't show up until you show up. Who the fuck are you? Who's talking? I'm just pretty long explaining to Matt Farrell that you would know as a gambler that odds don't show up until people start betting and if they don't know you're in there. Give me an edu roll. Whatever roll. What were the odds with the other guy? What were the odds with the other guy? I know. I know. Give me an education roll. Edu roll. Or a no roll. Give me an education role. Edge you roll or a no roll. Give me a no roll. My edgy was 70 and I rolled a 36. OK, so you definitely know that is going to be good at an underground fight. You've both enough boxing, enough gambling to know that when you walk into this

ring, people are going to be fucking not happy. And they're going to think you're going to go down instantly. Yeah. But you also know you're a pretty good boxer. So you do know the odds would be pretty good. Oh, sweet. Kelsey, you suppose get out of this game But you said this the only way to get out so I gotta do it it's not it's not my decision so okay You know just pacing back and forth. Oh Kelsey Kelsey Kelsey She's like hey, um is everything okay? Oh my God. And Ross takes a sanity roll real quick.

Oh, Rossy, I've brought danger to your doorstep. Ross, Ross shakes it off. Having also seen a lot of stuff during the war. Kelsey, everything okay in here? No, I'm a degenerate. You're a degenerate? Boxer and I gamble and they come here, and the cops already know about it, but I think the only way I can get through it

is by boxing more and gambling more. So that's what I'm going to have to do. Mrs. Grammer, you're not a degenerate. Don't talk about my friend that way. Oh, that's nice. So you're in then? Yeah, I'm in. So then Roz, hearing that there's

some action to be made, says, wait a second. There's a score? Roz, not like this. What was Bonflinck? So then Roz hearing that there's an action to be made says wait a second. There's a score Roz takes a big roll of dough out of her sock and she's like what were the odds? What are the odds sis? You know mom? That's what the reason I don't talk to her anymore It's because of our both of us having a gambling addiction I lean over to Roz said I whisper I said just bet it all on the alpha and omega What what does that mean? That's me? Okay, and it just looks like this big box is the Alpha and the Omega. Yeah, I'm the whole alphabet, motherfucker.

Ross, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Ross looks at Torrance like she's in. We're in. Where do we meet you? And towards like, well, I'm glad to hear that. Just meet us tomorrow night, midnight, at the old weird bunker on the edge of town. All right, the weird one. The weird one.

Not the normal one. Not the normal bunker. All right, I got to get my brother to the hospital. Oh, god, it hurts so bad. You know, he's not like me, bitch. It's even worse. Tor drags Sven out of the scene. And on their way, they disturb a moth nest.

As they're leaving, I go, women can be women! I don't even think that's what I said earlier. Definitely not. Jesus. As is still often the case, men have co-opted to get ruined. I think we can all agree You can ruin women. You can't be women. I think we can all agree women can be women here. I don't agree on that. Francis, you need a ride home?

I guess tonight, yeah, but I'm definitely coming with you to that fight. Oh yeah, I'll probably need all of you. You're going to need all the help you can get. And I'll defend you. Oh, thanks, Francis. Yeah, you're welcome. I appreciate what you've done, but it does worry me that, And I'm still good at it?

I'm hypocritical. I mean, I'm boxing, but it feels like, I know, just, it's just, We're just a couple of bad bitches. Okay. All right, Francis. I won't tell your parents about this, okay? You know what'll happen if you do.

What? I take out the ice cream scoop. Oh, Jesus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I would never, I would never. We get in the car and I drive off and I disturb a nest of moth flies across town once again Swishing and swooping zooping and dooping I thought Matt would interrupt me by now and say something funny the moth He's doing but that's okay

sucking and fucking Mouth sucks and fucks its way over To Tony's cars cars cars where Tony is turning in after a very long night crashing cars Sucking and fucking getting into fights getting yelled at by cops Tony just paint me a picture Tony's stumbles And he parks haphazardly and crookedly in this spot. He stumbles out That's right! They're in the car still!

And I turn around and I shut off the car and I pull my keys out of the car and I go back to the front door and I'm like not that one... not that one... I need to have a separate keychain for my shit! I unlock my little camper RV. I open the door and I just walk straight towards my bed and I belly flop onto a face down out like a light.

As. Moth. Fuck. Maybe also that's just where the scene ended. Yeah. The end. As you flop onto the bed you hear a voice Completely lost all authority with any of you now, you know

with any of you now you know what it's like I'll say just speak to me you hear a voice well out with it then I admire your methods mr. Colette but I don't know the opens his eyes to look for voice. But I can't say I show you'll taste and take a hole. Who the fuck is this? So you see sitting in the corner... What the fuck?

A dashing mid-30s man in a dapper suit. He's wearing a trilby hat. He's got thick black hair, handsome face. He's got a scar running down his cheek. He looks kind of like a Hoagy Carmichael. If you know what Hoagy Carmichael looks like you say who the fuck is that? Oh, fuck you. How'd you get in here? Tony draws his pissle he keeps under his pillow and points it shakily towards him Yeah And as you do that he also draws a silenced Walter PPK from his coat pocket And he says cool gun my name is name

Patrons submitted to name so we're gonna now finally do a patron submitted name. Here's how this is gonna work. Beth? I'm gonna scroll for a little bit. You tell me when to stop, okay? I know it's a long document. Give the people the dual ones a chance, yeah. All right, stop.

Okay, Anthony, give me a number from like one to ten. Seven. Typical, typical Anthony come on now every Magician worth is salt knows that when you ask a man to pick a number between one and ten most of the time they pick Seven don't be a sheep. The name is white Ebenezer white and that was submitted by Kristen. Thank you Kristen. Ebby white. Ebby white Submitted by Kristen. Thank you Kristen. Abby white Abby white My city white the name's white eebee white Mr.. Platt if that is indeed your real name

Yes, and he flashes you this badge, and it says mi6 on it well since when did they give mi6 badges you fucking poser? Is that not a thing that they do? Badges? For secret agents? Identifying documents on a secret agent? I just pulled out the CIA badge! Now Mr. Collette, I don't know how you sniffed out our operation. What? To capture former KGB Occult Operations Officer Yaroslava Baranova, alias Penny Pickett. I don't have the foggiest clue how you deduced that we've been impersonating her so via-

You're right and I'll let you know for a princely sum. You pay me off, I'll pay- pay me off. Frankly sir, I don't know and it's not germane to the subject- Tell the queen that she's gonna need to pay a price. Very well then. I don't know how you- Tell that old broad she owes me some moothaw and I'll keep my mouth shut. Are you quite finished Mr. Collette? Go ahead. I don't know how you knew that we'd been impersonating her Soviet handler for months. And if you put a gun to my head I could never guess how you

figured out that tonight of all nights was the night she was supposed to finally meet her handler only known to her by the initials T.C. face to face. All I know, Mr. Collette, is you're either the greatest spy I've ever seen, or you're the luckiest idiot ever to grace the American Midwest. Why not both? Why not both, indeed. Either way, you're holding all the cards, Mr. Collette, and the British government hereby requests that you deal us back in.

How much money? What are we paying for? Ante up my good man! Very well then. And he slides a poker chip across the table. What the fuck is this? In exchange for your assistance in capturing this agent that we've been on the tail of, you will hereby receive a marker.

Okay. Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and all of her four sworn officers therein, will officially owe you one, Mr. Collette. I know that this is, I want to examine the marker closely. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Yes, I do so. Please tell me what's on it. It's got a picture of the Queen's face. Like thumbs up. And she's giving a thumbs up and it says, the Queen, I owe you one. Just make sure you use it before 2022. Yes, it said that and it says the date of her death on it. Ooh, you've never seen one of these before.

If you want to give me like an appraise roll or something like that. I would like to appraise this. I do have appraise. And guess what, Anthony? I put some motherfucking points in appraise too, bitch. Oh, that's your class. Let's appraise it.

The appraiser. I'll spy it in you the appraiser 25 which means I fucking succeed on it, baby You have through your travels and travails actually seen another one of these before. Oh, yes I saw this in the war. Hitler had one. You saw one What a twist! What a twist! never called in that marker so you know that this is legit this is a very big wait a minute wait

a minute yes Freddy Wong has seen the crown it's not the Queen right now right isn't it wasn't it no it's Queen Elizabeth at this point yeah she's old fucking doing motor pool shit it was like 52 or something I don't know 52 yeah whoa on the top of the dome, Beth? Yeah, I just did it.

Beth, what year did The Net by Sandra Bullock come out? The Net, Sandra Bullock, I'm gonna guess, I feel like it's either 98 or 2002, you know what I mean? Actually, I'm gonna say 97. Closer, 95. Next question, when did the queen first watch The Net? Dude, she's watching it in hell right now. Yeah, that's right, I'm alienating an entire fucking country.

No, we're about to go to Europe! Oh no! It's too late, I don't know where she went. We're going to Ireland first, they're gonna fucking love us there. Oh yeah, that's right, really quick, we're adding a show. We're adding a show in Edinburgh. So he shows you this marker and says, the Queen of England will officially owe you one. What do you want me to do? It's quite simple.

You will play the part of Miss Baranova's handler. That should be simple enough, considering you've already convinced her that's who you are. She'll make contact with you tomorrow morning at 0900. All you have to do- Fuck, that's like three hours away. Do you want a marker from the Queen of England or not, sir? Ask- Let me answer one question, motherfucker.

What do I get in return? I- Again, you get a favor from the Queen of England, vis-a-vis this marker, which you can call in at any time. There's a phone number on the back. It's a long phone number. I'd like to call this right now just to verify it's legit. I think that's fair. which you can call in at any time. There's a phone number on the back. It's a long phone number. I'd like to call this right now just to verify it's legit. I think that's fair. I think that's fair.

As a spy in my- Very well. Hello. I dial the number and you're covering it. All right, so he picks up your phone. Hello, operator. I would like to make whatever the 1950s version of a long distance collect call to, and then he gives this long phone number Yes, who wants to play the Queen of England? Oh my god

Yes, hello mom, it's Agent White. Don't you mean Mom? Hello, Mom, it's Agent White, on that job in Peachyville. Oh, yes, your little job. Oh, I do love that you have gone out into the world and got little jobs. It's true, I am the queen. That's brilliant, mom, and that's what I need you to tell this American chap,

Tony Collette, he's just checking up on the market. Well, put him on, dear. Put him on, little chicken, let's talk. Hello, hello. The queen wishes to speak. I can't believe this is the second time on this show between this and son's ability that someone's talking to the queen.

Yes, true. He hands you the phone. Your man speak broad. I speak broadly all the time. To command a nation is to put a finger in the deepest soup. I got right here a token with your face on it. Oh yes, well. And then this man here says I can call it a favor at any time.

A favor? Explain the limits of said favor. Limits of the favor? Holy shit, we've known that all day. Well, maybe some people were reading their emails during your scene. I don't know what the appropriate response would be. It's whatever you want, mom. You are the queen after all. I don't know what the appropriate response would be.

It's whatever you want, mom. You are the queen after all. I am, after all, the queen. A favor, yes. If you could... Um. If you could make... It's so accurate for this. It's so accurate too, because it's like,

could you imagine the queen having this level of knowledge or field agency I mean, she'd be like spinning her wheels. She's like, ah Yes, if you could be so kind as to make the exchange rate between our countries permanently favorable Oh, I'm supposed to do the favour. Oh, it's so odd that I have it this way around, you see. It's so odd. Yes, it's just, I'm quite, yes, I do you a favour.

Well, I am a kind Queen, so, yes, what do you a favor. Yeah. Well, I am a kind queen, so yes. What would you like, dear? Falsifying of documents of some kind. Can you do that? Falsified documents? Yes, we can do that, mom. Yes, we can do that. All right, I'm satisfied.

I'll have a handshake in the pocket. Which documents, dear? Don't worry about that. I'll have a handshake with your man on the balcony. I think I will worry about that. No, no, no. You will answer the queen when she asks you which documents you wish to have falsified suck Well, you know

Like I want some medals Dear of course my my son, Abby white He wanted some medals just like everybody else and we everything we think that our grandchildren should have trophies for everything! Participation trophies! And ribbons just for engaging with whatever they're doing. And I think-

Okay, I'm satisfied, goodbye! Yes, yes. Well dear, are you coming around for Christmas? Yes, I'll be back for that, mom. And I do so look forward to seeing the rest of the family. That's hard, dear, love you. I do so look forward to seeing the rest of you, mom. I do so look forward to seeing the rest of the family. That's hard, dear, love you. I do so look forward to seeing the rest of you, mom. I do so look forward to seeing the rest of you, mom.

As am I, sweetheart. As am I, my sweet little chick. Zabam. What? Oh, yes. Apparently it's Ray Winstone in fucking Buckingham Palace. That's the king. Oh, honey, it's my son.

I don't know if it's your son. He hangs up the phone. Explain to me one thing Ebenezer. Yes? You called her mom. What the fuck is up with that? Is it ma'am? Just say ma'am. I'm so fucking confused all the time. It's called the Queen's English, old boy. What do I speak? I don't even...

Normal people English. Fucking, your accent is so weird it slides all over the place it's quite hard to listen to. First of all, how fucking dead are you? Secondly... Do you wish to join us in this escapade or not, sir? I'll just hang on to this and I put the token in my pocket and you can call on me tomorrow. Okay. I'm fucking doing the accent.

Look to the call. Look, 0900. Shockage. Okay. Do you have any... Okay. Fine. me tomorrow okay look to the call look oh 900 shock okay okay do you think okay fine okay all right okay the fuck out of my stick around fuck no get the fuck out of my trailer or this or all Betsy here is gonna have nine words with you who is Betsy that's my service 1911 right here. I have my right hand. Those nine words. Okay. Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Ah, it was ten. Minus one blam.

He leaves. Alright. The next morning at 0900, what are you doing? Tony Clive wakes up and goes like, I don't remember a thing that happened last night. I was rip-roaring drunk! Ah! What the fuck is this? You can't...

Call the number! I call a number! Some broad must have put this in my pocket! Oh Tony, you card! You must have gotten up to something! I pick up the phone and dial the number immediately. Hello? Is this the Queen? Hey baby! You're about to go to bed, aren't you? No, I woke up. I woke up.

I'm still... I'm positively knackered. But is there into bed, aren't you? No, I woke up, I woke up. No, I mean the Queen. I'm positively knackered. But, uh, is there something I can do for you? Not when I'm done with you, baby. Wait, she won't be tired after your talk? You're a knacker! I know you're all being really knackering around here. Hello!

My dick gives energy back to people. It's like a Red Bull. Hello, hello, hello. It's, uh,'s me it's Tony well I am in a famously unhappy marriage so um yes I'm quite interested in what you're proposing well I don't know what you're up to today but my schedule's free it's nighttime oh over there what do you mean nighttime I look out the window it's fucking sunny

what do you mean nighttime where are what the fuck are you talking about yes I'm the queen of England. Holy shit, Tony you hit the jackpot Token and a car with your name on it. I'll get you on the clean this one time. I love what that's right We might think about you. She's my evening is completely full. No completely empty. It's full with you Yes, well, I was hoping I could test drive one of your more cum bedraggled vehicles We make bumper stickers that say come to drag My other car is comfy Hold on babe. Let me put you on hold for a second

Of course I put on the record player and I have some hold music and I put the phone next to it so that there Sounds like you know I got like you know all right. Do you open the door? Hello penny picket aka, Yaroslava Baranova is there just I believe there are British agents nearby we could be being watched Are you ready to make a move? Who the fuck are you? A second broad? A second broad? Holy shit! Oh, a little role play!

Yes, you are my handler! We met last night! You're saying I handled you last night, huh? I see, there are still agents around, that is why you are pretending not to know me. Okay, very well. Well, no, you can come in! Come on in, babe! Okay! Did I get you something? Hold on, I'm you can come in. Come on in, babe. OK. She steps inside. Did I get you something?

Hold on. I'm talking to another babe. I hope you don't mind. I walk over to the phone. I pick up the call. I'm like, I'm going to call you back, babe. No. Have they discovered our secret?

The deep. This goes higher, higher, higher up. Nobody can know. Hey, you're talking crazy, babe. Go ahead and take something to calm yourself down, I'll call you later. I hang up on the queen, and I go to this new babe, like, I get you something to drink. Tell me, how was last night for you? Last night was very good, because I finally know I am going home to Mother Russia.

Oh, I took you home to Mother Russia, did I? Wait a minute, coffee? Here you are, what do you want? Listen, we must go away together tonight. Oh that was moving real fast for me babe, you know. Oh Tony Collette's got a lot of fishing lines in fishing holes all over the place. How terrible. Prospects, you understand? I don't understand, you said last night that you were my Russia, you were my handler, you were the opera. Are you not? I'm the top I don't understand you said last night that you were my rush. You were my handler You're the opera. Are you not I'm the top are you you said last night? God damn right told you who I am yes, and you said that you could kick me out of here

At least you implied it yes, was that not true? Are you lying? Who are you and she slams you against the wall? Whoa fucking let me finish my coffee first Jesus lady I'm Tony Collette, and that's all you need to know. And I'm about to blow your mind, baby. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And she throws you to the ground. Oh, whoa, whoa, a little early for this, hold on. Let me just, I got it.

You just had the. I need to piss. You just had the marker laying out on the. No, I think I had it in my hand, but you know, I was like, I called it, it was probably by the phone, yeah. Okay, so she looks over to the phone and sees this marker and immediately knows what it is. And she's like, you're working for them? What?

You're working for the British agents? And she grabs you again. Oh, you're- Tell me the truth. Look me dead in the eyes and tell me who are you Tony Collette? I'm gonna be totally honest with you, babe. I don't know who the fuck you are. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I just woke up here. And I need to piss. And you're leaning on my bladder go piss I must think okay, and I go into the bathroom of the thing okay, and I unfurl my fucking hog We know I start ejecting fucking urine from it

But in the meantime I'm using the covering sound of me frying up some chicken in there to fill up the glass That I have you know next to my thing and then as I'm finishing up on sound of me frying up some chicken in there to fill up the glass that I have you know next to My thing and then as I'm finishing up on one end okay, so you remember this is have her shoot him Remember the seat well first of all I rest so I do I regain some hit points Okay, so like you remember the scene in the end Jones when he's got to like swap something out You know and it's you trying to make it sound like the P is still going Yeah, yeah, huh? And then like as I'm finishing up as one snake is finishing up I start pouring the other in right and I'm gonna use that to unlatch the window and slither outside

Okay, so you're just gonna run. Yeah, I'm gonna run this fucking weird ladies all over the place a fucking crazy Did you get dressed? No? I'm still in the exact same clothing that I had from the night before. Oh, so you flopped, you passed out, got drunk. Yeah, I passed out, because I was drunk, remember? Okay, alright. Leave your own house. Give me a stealth roll for that.

Do I have an advantage because I'm covering it with the sound of urine? You know what, that's clever, so I will give you an advantage on your stealth roll. Alright, because my fucking, oh, one. One and out of 20, dude. Not only a great success fucking perfect Okay, so one fifth of my 20 the best possible role no way that it can go any better

Exactly what I want to have happen happens What happens so I've done this clearly before in the past because like you know Tony's cars cars cars It's like people are gonna be coming in there yelling at me whatever. I always have escape routes right okay. I'm a shifty guy I We're gonna be coming in there yelling at me whatever. I always have escape routes right. Okay. I'm a shifty guy I Slide out of the car out of the window in the bathroom mm-hmm into the open Convertible seat of a car I have parked like a you know one of the lot cars on the lot But this one's I designated as my secret used car getaway car I plop into the thing and I fucking fire up the engines and speed off as you do that You see her running out the front door and seeing you

Peeling off out of the lot. Good luck bitch my fucking place sucks. That door's jammed She's going to take a shot at you. Okay, so she pulls out a gun and fires a shot at you She's gonna make a ranged melee attack. Just think of the end of Chinatown. Just like the end of Chinatown 45? That's her. Aren't I swerving the car around? I'm like, that's her skill. That's her skill. Can I swerve the car

around? You cannot dodge or fight back against firearms attacks. It's just a straight shot. And then one additional penalty die for being in the vehicle and moving. OK, so she got a 21 out of her skill, which is a 45. So she does hit you.

Can I spend some luck? No But what a good luck you can spend luck on your roles you cannot spend luck on her Okay, so yes, and now we're at hit point time now. We're at hit point time because now this matters What is your HP right now? I'm at five, but the question of what is your 14 out of 14? So you're still in major wound territory you have not recovered any HP, but I went to sleep Huh? I went to sleep! Huh? But I went to sleep! No! Well then guess what? When you fucking get the shit kicked out of you, are you better in the morning?

Yeah! You have a major wound. Once you recover from your major wound, you will be able to recover one HP per day. But you have to recover from your major wound first. Alright, so she's gonna roll a 1d8. Fuck. Ooh, somebody might die! Oh my god.

Honestly? Honestly? He deserves it. Oh yeah, absolutely. At this point. I'll be sad. I won't be that sad. Yeah. What? Did he roll? Did he roll already?

You rolled a five. Oh shit. Chinatown. Okay, hold on. Zero hit points. If HP... Okay, here, alright. What does Tony say as this bullet rips into his chest?

Tony goes like, good luck hitting this bitch Then you hear a gun well actually you feel before you hear the report of a gunshot You hear a pistol rip through your chest and because your HP is falling to zero while you have a major wound you are now Unconscious and dying okay, but I'm in the car so that's good Yeah, that's always where you want to be when you're unconscious is that the wheel? And you're rolling towards an intersection will say Jesus take the wheel He should have said that be oh my god And then wait and then like there's a moth crossing the road and the car hits the moth

That's the car that hit the moth previously All the timelines came together And the bumper sticker says women be women. We all start singing in Frogstar right down from the sky Women can be women. I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies Twisted in my mind And now I'm gone All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars

Too far, too far away But I'll stay today Thank you for listening. We're doing a European live tour at the beginning of October. We're hitting up Dublin, London, Tilburg, Hamburg, Berlin, Antwerp, and Amsterdam. To the popular demand, we are looking at Edinburgh. Stay tuned, still figuring that out. It's complicated, man. Held over to DungeonsAndDais.com slash live

to stay on top of that. When tickets drop, you will know. Patreon supporters, get first dibs at live show tickets, by the way, in addition to hours of bonus content and an after show. There is a lot of good, high quality material that we've taken a considered effort into making excellent and entertaining and you can find out at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads.

Join us there and you will join the likes of Rebecca Pridmore, Anthony Monticino, Matthew Krueger, Colin Murphy, Jovan Bryant, Aaron King, Mackenzie Floyd, Lilith Fenn, They It, Brad Bane, Jordan Neal, Aidan Lye, Mackenzie Floyd, Lilith Fenn, they it, Brad Bane, Jordan Neal, Aidan Lye, McKinley Self, Sallie Koskinen, Matthew Grinelli, Cyberlady Z, Elijah Seeley, Matthew Breakfield, AK Miniweener, Castaway Cactus, Dalton Colliet. Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch as Francis Farr, Worthwell Campos as our DM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette. Our theme song is A Hole in the Stars by Max and Waller, Brian Fernandez as our content producer, Ashley Nicolette as our community manager, Courtney Terry as our community coordinator, Cindy Denton as our merchandise manager,

Esther Ellis as our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp as our transcriber. Support us directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, Merchant more at DungeonsandDads.com. Our next episode, July 16th. We will see you then. I stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars I got a red- module then golf one Anthony golf one golf one because we're going to Scotland a golf one. I understand what you're asking me to do. Golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one,

golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf

one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf one, golf It's probably not going to get chosen though. The links to the past. So golfing is all I want to golf in his own. He got golf and all that there.