Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 6 – A Car is Born

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Tony lives, laughs, and loves. Francis gets a gift. Kelsey breaks a heart. And Trudy meets Jesus.This episode contains Violence, Profanity, Sexual Content, Violence Towards ChildrenSupport the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Twitter @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Will Campos (@willbcampos)Kelsey Grammar is Matt Arnold (@mattlarnold)Francis Farnsworth is Anthony Burch (@anthony_burch)Trudy Trout is Beth May (@heybethmay)Tony Collette is Freddie Wong (@fwong)Theme song is by Maxton WallerBrian Fernandes is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorCindy Denton is our Merch ManagerEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves provides Additional EditingRobin Rapp is our TranscriberCover art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Send us stuff and get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey! Hey! Bully! Get back here! But first a warning from our sponsor, Madman Alhazard is brought to you by Crawlspace, the all-under-one platform for homeowners to crawl under their house instead of using the door. Crawlspace makes it easy to engage with people hiding under your bed, evade potential ambushers,

and infuriate anyone expecting you to walk through the front door like a normal person would. Madman Alhazard loves crawlspace, in fact I'm broadcasting from one right now. I've been trapped here for weeks by the thing in the shelves. I'm running out of time, I can hear her whispering, waiting, a record needle scratching at the pulse of my brain. ["The Pee Peachyville Horror, a Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. So I don't like there was a little bit of punctuation after every. Yeah. There's a period of telegram. Yeah. Yeah. Stop. I would be such a silly telegram operator. I'd be like, stop. Stop it.

I'm Freddie Wong and I play used car fast talking. It's morning. And I'm waking up. I know, it's morning. I got to sleep last night because I was cooking up this adventure for all of you. Morning. We're about to go to McDonald's instead of eating, huh? That's a problem. Will always cooks up a fine meal and then we come back and we come. We want Big Macs.

Oh, we just went to McDonald's. Well, that's okay. I'm sure we'll eat what you gave us. I'm sure mom, you did a great. I will eat it. Yes, I am the we have McDonald's at home of this podcast. Yes. My name is Freddie Wong.

I play Tony Collette. The dearly departed. No, no, no, no, no. He's still selling cars. Freddie, do you have a second character primed? I don't need a second character. I have a move primed. I have a move that we'll see how that plays. But this week's Tony fact, Tony cannot parallel park despite having his driver's license. Despite having his driver's license? Because he's dead. Despite having his driver's license? So many things you guys said.

He has like fucking metal bones after the war that he served like. He took a super soldier CRO. I thought your fact was going to help you survive. Yeah, he always wears a backpack full of this new experimental Kevlar. He wears an iron backpack. No, no, no. What was the actual fact? The actual fact was when he took his driving test as a kid, he was always a fast talker. He couldn't parallel park and you know, it's much more difficult when you're cranking that engine. You know, I mean, you have to get out. You got cranked that engine. He just turned it on. You got to bring their stick. Your engine turning on stick. You have to remember that.

Oh, the little jalopy thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're past that in the 50s, Freddy. He didn't get his fucking driver's license in the 50s, you buffoon. I know, but how long ago was... I guess that's fair, 30s. Yeah, you think cars were fucking right? No, Charlie Chaplin movies, they got the little cranks. Back when you still had to cover up your car if a horse got scared by it. Yeah.

That's what happened. He was going to go parallel park, but a horse got scared. He says, I can't bet it back as I was he'll set a Very different access Too soon no it won't be by the time this comes out Pause for cutting all that No, but it's too soon for us. Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe he'll be dead, maybe it'll be fine. Maybe they'll both be dead. Yeah. Pause for cutting all that. Hey.

Hey. We're in the cutback. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play, oh man, it is early morning. Hey, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest and snappiest school marm. One second, I just paused like Biden.

See. Anyone's worried about Matt's performance? I'm happy at school, Marm. One second, I just paused like Biden. Ha ha ha! See? Anyone's worried about Matt's performance, he has a cold, okay? Matt has a cold, we're getting that out of the way now. See, even 38-year-old can pause. It's normal. It's completely normal.

It's too late to ask Matt to drop out of the podcast. I'm in it. God damn. Okay, cut all that stuff out. podcast. I made it. I did. OK. OK, cut all that stuff out. Yeah, I'm sorry. We don't have to cut that stuff. I'm literally kidding.

I'm making fun of Matt saying that. That's how you know it's funny. If only Biden could have that ability, you know what I'm saying? They can't cut it because other podcasts are streaming across the border in droves. They're streaming on Twitch. Because there's so many of them.

Millions of them. Because Matt wouldn't put up the wall separating us from the ad pod. No, I gotta say, I don't agree with Anthony, but he's on Messy. Look how vital I am compared to Matt. This episode's gonna come out in a fucking month. And when can we do the thing where we mute the microphones? Yes, I have that ability right here.

Usually I have some little saying, but then I have a little joke that Kelsey tells instead so like the rhythm was different. Anyways all I was gonna say is she's the happiest. No it's me as happiest. I'm the moderator. Kelsey Grammer's not that happy. She's probably the happiest. Okay you know what one of her favorite little teacher jokes is? Yeah, what? You know what happens if you tell a bad joke in class?

What? You get punished. Oh yeah, okay. Punished. Oh that's cute. Yeah. All right, sure. All right, here's the actual fact now of Kelsey.

Kelsey's fact is really simple because it's like, I won't get onto this adventure, I want a fucking box, I want to fight. So Kelsey's birthday's in three days. Wow. Day five-o, day five-o, three days. She's. So Kelsey's birthday is in three days. Wow. Big five oh three days. She's going to spend her fucking birthday at Tony's funeral. You're insane to think that she would go to Tony's funeral.

I thought we were all on the same bowling team. I'm not going to ruin my birthday. Not on my birthday. What a classic. That's the fact. That's the fact. Not only is her birthday in three days, she takes her birthday's out. What a classic. That's the fact. That's the fact. Not only is her birthday in three days, she takes her birthday very seriously. Especially the 5-0.

It's the big 5-0. I'm writing that down. I'm writing down that it's your birthday in three episodes. Is it going to be a cop-themed fucking birthday? Well, I was looking up because a bunch of your stats are based upon a bunch of your stats. That's so dumb. There's a few stats.

Thank you, Beth. There's a few. Is it going to be a grinding-themed birthday where you lift the front side of your board up on the rail? Is that, is that, that's like the joke you made, Freddy. It is, Beth. It is, I don't know, I'm not fucking, I'm not either proud or not proud of it. It was a good joke.

Go, Anthony. Beware, whatever you say might be judged by everybody here. It's fine, I'm fucking bulletproof. All I have to do is speak really confidently. I'm Anthony Burch. I play Francis Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in Pichiville. And Francis's fact is that his favorite book series is Nancy Drew, but he has to get copies of the Hardy Boys, take the dust cover off of the hardbacks and put it around his Nancy Drew books because otherwise he gets bullied because those books are for girls. Oh, because he's in love with Nancy Drew.

So he just looks like he reads voraciously a bunch of Hardy Boys books. But in reality, he's just explaining that he's in love with Nancy Drew. Surely they would understand. You love a girl in a book that's gay. However he is, rock hard when he's reading The Hardy Boys, of course, than everybody else. That's manly, that's masculine. That's man-read palms, expecting men. What's better than this guy's being a dude?

The Hardy Boys, in the mystery of the no apparent reason bonus. My boy's gotten pretty hardy ever since I've read The Hardy Boys. Hello, my name is Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, doting robot wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. She is one of many Trudys. Fun anachronistic fact about Trudy that I thought of this morning and I just had to

say because I thought it was funny is that Trudy is a wonderful singer. Beth, I'm going to correct you as a woman, anachronistic. As a woman you're correcting her? No, no, no. I will interrupt women. Freddie's a big news reporter. Freddie's a real ally. No, no, no.

I will interrupt women, Beth, anachronistic. Anachronistic. I can't say that. So I'm not going to. Actually, you know, anachronistic would be a good name for a character, though. Oh, shit. That would be a good name.

Oh, my god. Anachronistic. All podcasts are the same. Oh, I get And a current and this thing, the same. Oh, I guess we say it again. And that cronistic fun and that cronistic. You can lead this in here. I have no shame. We have no shame. Bethany. No shame. The number of words I mispronounce. Yeah, we know. Is that Trudy is a wonderful singer. In fact, if she lived in modern times, people might say she sung better than Adele.

God! God! That is the worst joke! My,. Bazinga! Holy shit, Beth! Beth! She's taking it victory-less. I'm speechless. I can't. Of her topo cheek. Beth's just fucking crushing it.

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I'm your Daddy-O master. Hi Daddy-O. What a wonderful treat this intro has been for everyone a month from now, getting to remember what it was like the morning after the worst day of their life. My creepy fact about the world today, my daddy-o fact, is that... sorry I'm also pausing. But that's this is a dramatic pause. That's the difference. That's the difference. It's a dramatic pause. We still have time to get a new DM. I heard there's this guy in California who's really hot.

Your vice DM is young and vital. Your DM runs out of HP. California who's really hot your vice DM is young and vital Your DM runs out of fact today is so I forgot to do a fact I'm on a creepy facts about the human body they someone give me a number from 1 to 20. Oh 19 70 70 Who said 19? I did. Okay humans are the only animal that blushes. That's not creepy That's endearing. but why do they blush? Why do they blush? Because blood flows through their skin in an eldritch and

non Euclidean way. No it's actually mapped out by a pretty serious... Shut the fuck up Freddy let's play fucking Dungeons and Dragons let's go. We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons. Let's play Dungeons and Dragons! When we last left off Tony Collette had been shot through the heart. And you're too lame. You give call of Cthulhu. Finish the thought Anthony. No, Freddy was my alley oop. That's what made that joke so funny.

Boy oh boy. So yeah, Tony Collette had been shot through the heart. He was shot through the chest, let's say. He stole my weasel his way out of this. He's hardening towards an intersection. I'm not really interested in what's happening with Tony. Can we do something else? Yes, we can.

Um. Can you do the other seats first? We're going to do your seat, Matt. OK. So actually, no, first, we have to know what happened to Tony. No, Matt. No, no, no. We've got a little timey-wimey stuff going on. We

have to jump back a little bit to what you guys want to do. Tony first. I want to do Tony. I want to see me dies. All right. I thought it would be fun since Tony's bleeding out and he's hurtling towards imminent doom. He's about to cross a very busy intersection in his dangerous 1950s car. I thought it would be fun if your entire life flashed before your eyes. And if you guys want to help out by playing some of the characters in Tony's life as they come up, just jump on in there. So Freddie, take it away. Okay, alright. I can't support this child, please take him.

And also really quick, really quick, Anthony, what you're saying, it's in Italian and doesn't be English subtitles Okay, so imagine the fucking godfather to exactly imagine the Tuscan countryside dude like there's like a fucking tree-lined road You know what well trivia fact the same road they using gladiator. I thought I wanted a child But then I was around him and I don't want to be anymore Will take this baby? What, is that Italian wah? Wah, wah, wah. Hey, little Tony, yeah, don't worry,

we'll be going back to the fire station soon. Why don't you just walk forward, just walk into the woods, just keep going. Wah. Just keep going. Okay, so then Tony has. Hey, a baby! Many hours later.

Pedro, we can't have a baby. Papa? Yes, we can have a baby. Two men having a baby in this time? Ay ay ay we have to keep it secret. We both get married but together we know who we are. Keep him in a cabin in the woods and we'll raise him in Italian style. We shall prove to everybody we shall raise the finest seven parents. At seven years old, chopping wood alone in the trees. He wipes his brow with a sweaty, dirty forearm. And then a black town car pulls up, and an old gangster gets out and says,

Hey, get down to here, and I'll be your fucking guy. I'm a chopping wood. Little boy, my advantage. I'm a fucking guy. I'm a chopping wood little boy Well your banis I must make the advantage they come by once every few days Hey, better how much we really love our baby mother I raised him. Hi. I'm a house cat that talks To daddy's, but he also had a mother's touch. Move on and get back inside and protect the talking cat. They come for her, finally.

The people from the factory, the lab, they come for the cat. Pedro, I love you. I love you, Luigi. I always love you. Our child. Don't risk your life for our child. It's not really our child, let's be honest. I risk my life for his family every day.

I put my life on the line for the cat and the boy. You do. In that order. Come back. What do you want, in that order. Papa? What do you want, mysterious man from the town car? Oh, Papa, you're here. Yes, I've been here. I was inside while you chopping the wood. I'm making the food for us.

It's so nice. I'm making the food, you chopping the wood. That's how we work. It takes me a very long time to track the two of you down. My two greatest assassins who fell in love and got married and ran off to the woods We didn't get married, it's not legal Who got we all know under the eyes of the true goddesses both of such things that you are married and I find that to be Beautiful, but I am also enraged because you took from me the most valuable thing that I own Fine, you can have your cat back

Oh yeah, you can have your cat back Oh no, cat. Oh yeah, yeah, you're gonna have your cat back. Oh no, don't send me back there! No, you cannot have a cat. No, Papa, no Papa, not Giuseppe! Giuseppe stays with us. Giuseppe, he's my only friend. They let me drink milk, it's okay back then. I give a Giuseppe the cow milk every day.

Very well, Ascilla, this is a family, and because you stole my family, I have a proposal for you. Which will you choose? Pedro Schuzen. Oh, you can have the kid. Well, I'll say that this is a family and because you stole my family. I have a proposal for you Which will you shoot? Oh, you could have the kid You said they're the finest assassins Your name is either Luigi or Giovanni

Luigi the greatest of all the snappers. The passenger door opens. Did you just shoot my partner? Oh shit! Damn, Peter, I said we should have had more than one bullet in the sniper rifle. Oh, it's okay. I will strangle this one to death with my bare hands. It's okay, I was also in love with my partner. Now I will let his voice speak through me. Are you a medium? What the fuck?

Yes! Holy shit. I am very upset now to be dead. My partner, who I love more than anything in the world, will be very lonely. And I owe all I wish is for him to have a talking cat or a son. And nobody's taking this cat. I swear to you. But the papa.

And then in this moment, Tony realizes that his two parents love this talking magical cat more than him. And he goes like, I will become a sassin. Take me into the life of crime! And Tony boards the limousine like so wistfully and so fucking forlornly as he looks out the window as the cat, like, doesn't even wave at him. And the two- Finally, I'm in the sun. Oh, nice. I'm going to nap. And as we pull away from the scene, Tony, you see it's like a little bumpy fucking Italian road, dude.

Little dust coming out of the back of the black car. You see Tony's head pop off from the back. Just sad, like, oh. And then we disappear. Can't believe my partner's dead. Cut two. black car you see Tony's head pop off from the back just sad like and we disappear can't believe my partner's dead cut to Tony's 13th birthday oh a mafioso birthday a mafioso birthday but we're no longer you came back what you changed your mind about the mafia! Come here, come here little Tony, come here.

It's no longer little Tony. Hey, don't talk to your dad that way. Luigi, Luigi! Luigi, you used the back of the head like this! Pedro, don't tell me how to slap a child! We'll do it together! Pedro, let me see your face. Bring it over here. Bring it, what is he?

Here you go. Don't tell me how to father. Oh, don't tell me how to father. Oh, you don't tell me how to father. Now listen here, Tony. Listen here. I love you so much. I love you so much, too.

And Tony goes. We'll do some more slapping later, but Tony, I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you one thing. The only thing that matters in life is become a used car salesman. Have a real job. Not like your father's assassinos.

Have a real good job of selling the cars to the commune. If you sell the most cars, we will love you. I think I'm dying. And Tony walks straight up to the cat and picks up the cat and says, I am here for the cat. I pull a gun out. You will never take it. You're not taking the cat, Tony.

And I put a gun to the cat's head. Oh no. No, don't take it taking the cat, Donnie. And I put a gun to the cat's head. Oh, no. Oh. No, don't take it to the cat. Take me. I'll do anything to get by. Just let me live with this boy.

He's got FIV. He's going to be around for like 10 more minutes. It's fine. And Tony walks slowly backwards with the cat held at gunpoint and says, Papa. Papa. Yes, which one? Both.

Yes. Yes, both of us. You a bed, Papa. And he gets in the car and drives away. What did he say? I didn't make that last thing he said. He said, you a bed? You know what, you know what?

I think our son's gonna be okay. And then you strapped Italian road, bumping along, and then the back seat of this black car, you see a little cat pop up. And I'm like, thank God they don't know I'm actually a man God they don't know I'm actually a man trapped in a cat's body. On my friend's 13th birthday, I turned back into a man

and I'm tasked to kill the boy who took me from my family. And just then the clock strikes midnight. What's up? Tony pulls the car over on the side of the Italian And I beat you up, but I'd still you here, now let's go. We thought we'd lost you. It's more beautiful here than I could ever imagine. Oh, you grow so good, and you still have the cat with you. It's a boy now. It's a boy now, but I can tell that cat anywhere I see it.

Come here, give me a hug, my old cat. Yeah, I can give you a hug with my hands now. I couldn't do that, I still love milk. You such a tall boy, you know what? And then I shoot Tony Collette. And I go, you, you Kat, you are the true Tony Collette. From now on, you'll be known as Tony Collette. You take all his memories and everything he just did, all the development we just did, and that's you now. Which means that you, you had a loving childhood, 13 years with your parents in an Italian countryside, but now you're in America. Wow. What will my voice sound like now?

I don't know, give it a shot. Try talking now. Ahem. Well, I think that's... Oh, our son! Our son! Our beautiful son! I love you! Oh, what a happy family we made! But we're in America now.

I do still think you should be a cast member though. But we're in America now, we need to blend in with the Americans. Let me do it! Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't interrupt your dad! You're 13 now, you're a man! You do not come to us for anything anymore! We gave you love for 13 years!

Your fathers and I, we give to you! Your fathers and I, we have multiple! We have more fathers now! We give as multitudes! And then, and then and then and then the LSI like I goes like next And then Tony animals up all by himself How many people are you with mr. Colletti to boopity boppy and I turn around and I look at my parents slash my cat parents I turn I go just me Then we'll put you down as Tony Solo.

Solo. No, no, that's not my name. All right, Mr. Solo, off you go. That's not my name. Hey, Pedro, look over there. It's Tony Star Wars. Wandoiji. Pedro, look over there, do you see that?

I see that. And then across the distance, you see a stray cat. It's like, you want to have another child? Yes, I do. When you pick up another cat. So Tony came from which dads in the Italian countryside. Assassin which dads. Assassin which dads.

I think Tony is 18. Okay. And... This is the whole episode by the way. I hope nobody had any hopes that their characters could move forward because it's just this. Oh wait wait sorry, really quick, really quick. Let's back up for a second. Tony at 16 is about to parallel park and then the horse gets fucking scared at his car. He's like, I'll tell you what, my good man.

Why don't you just let me, uh, pass this test here, and I'll make sure to put in a good word for you at the Italian restaurant I'm working at. You come to me, and the test that I am running this driver's test and you assume that I do not already have a very good reputation at the Italian restaurant in which I own. Oh my God. What do you do? What are you doing? Doing? Don't you own an Italian restaurant? Why are you doing mentoring guide you this by teaching them how to drive DMV? Yes, being an Italian restaurant owner does not pay very well.

And so, Tony, I tell you... Well you know how well I'm getting paid, I'll tell you what, let me pass this driver's test and I'll be able to do deliveries for the restaurant. I'm so scared! Quick, cover the car! Quick, cover the car! My horse is terrified by this horse carriage! I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry sir, I need...

Yes, I know, the horse is not used to seeing a carriage without a horse on it. Let me just cover this up really quick. Get this metal behemoth out of the way. I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry sir, I need, yes, I know the horse is not used to seeing a carriage without a horse on it. Let me just cover this up really quick. Get this metal behemoth out of the way. Mr. Collette, Tony. Yes. For these last five or so years I've looked on you as a son. Yes, I've heard that before.

From a distance, a respectful distance. And now I say to you, you must go your own way. For not being able to parallel park, I fire you, him and I, from an Italian restaurant. Because we're gonna get into pizza deliveries and I cannot trust a driver in New York City who cannot parallel park his car. You dishonor pizza delivery by not being able to accomplish this task. And more than that, I think you should get out of New York City entirely. I think you need to go to a quieter place that is okay with horseless carriages and your disgusting visage.

Hey buddy, have you heard of San Dimas? Wait, not San Dimas. No? Who's that guy? Who's that guy? What is that? Peachyville, have you heard of Peachyville? Hold on, Matt, you're getting the timelines wrong

because the guy comes in and guess what? Look at the calendar on the drugstore across the street. It's in the morning. It's December 7th, 1941. That was when Tony was taking his driver's test. Hey buddy, you got two options here. You can either have this coupon to go to Peachyville, you can have this coupon to go to war. What do you want? December 7th, 1941. A day which will live in infamy. Not for Matt apparently. A man comes up to the

window. Holy shit, you have it in Pearl Harbor? And then the war drums newsreel footage from ba ba ba ba ba. Hear ye, hear ye. Read all about it. Hey mister, if you could sell me that car, I'll give you all my newspaper money to get out of here and start a new life. What does the newspaper say, other child? Oh, it's saying all kinds of stuff. It said that a horse down the street got scared by a car. Give me this. What is this? American hero Tony Collette kills 30 Nazis with just a knife. Oh, what an amazing person I wonder what's gonna happen to cause this fall from grace Tony Collette declared dead, but his body is not discovered. Anybody could be Tony Collette, but he's a war hero.

What is this newspaper? Hold on, the plot. The first day he was even killed, 30 Nazis in the second day of the mission were telling you your story. Hold on, Matt, because what you're saying, though, unfortunately, there's a timeline rift, because that can't be Tony Collette, because Collette on December 7, 1941, after failing his driver's license test and after succumbing to zero peer pressure about going to fight World War II, walks into the recruitment office the day after.

You there, young lad, how old are you? Because it seemed like you were 16, but now you're 18 you're 18 so Ten years from now you'll be 28, and that's how old you are During the rest of the podcast we don't take Italians No, no here's what was it was yes, you're right you're right you're right He was 26 when he was giving his driver's test, okay, so you failed as well. Okay, all right. Yeah, took him a while He was giving his driver's test. Okay, so you failed as well. Okay, all right. Yeah, took him a while I have been your DMV instructor for these last ten years For ten years as I watched as you become from a boy to a man and yet still after ten years of trying You cannot park a parallel car. I him by say to you

You should never have a driver's license in the state of New York and I kiss you on the lips as the kiss of death from the DMV. Yeah, okay I'm for jump for jump for is now December 8th 1941 Tony is walking into the say there you're a strapping young lad How'd you like to go kill Nazis yesterday was all about the Japanese to be fair well same difference my boy Wow all you guys they all look the same in the end well I'm just not sure about going over and fighting a war Maybe sell me on the war a little bit like what's it gonna be like if you don't fight them over there You're gonna have to fight them over here

Do you want a tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue crushing people that you love and care about? Yeah Do you want to go overseas and kiss pretty foreign women son? Well, mister Women, son? Well... Mister... Excuse me. I just said you would look so strapping in a... This is not a good Russian accent. This is not a Russian accent at all.

Wait, wait. You would look so strapping in a... What's your name, babe? Anastasia. Anastasia's alive here. I just wish that... Why don't you tell me more about this war at the malt shop across the street? Sure.

We were gonna sign up, alright. See, Tony got distracted, you see. He signed up, but he had like just one day with the girl of his dreams. He had one day with the girl of his dreams. So give us a sample of this before sunrise, 1941, whirlwind 24 hour romance you guys had. I cry, never gonna hold the hand of another guy. I have a crazy idea, I don't know if I, you know, it's just gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. I just wanna keep talking to you, you know?

No idea what your situation is, but I feel like we have some kind of a connection, right? Come on, it'll be fun, let's go to this mall shop across here. Come on I don't know all you have to do is catch a flight overseas to fight the war world war two tomorrow morning at 930 I don't really have enough money for a hotel So I was just gonna walk around and it'll be a lot more fun You came with me and I turned out to be some kind of psycho You know you could just get on the next train is that chat GPC. No, that's Yes, if you promise to meet me at this train five years from now or whatever they

do at the end of that movie. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You've got Tony misses that because at some point, so he's walked in the recruitment office. Let's recap here. So I was in the recruitment office. He got distracted by a lady. He spent a whirlwind night with the lady. It's like a real... Let's ask her, was it a whirlwind night? It was fine. It was fine. It's fine. It was fine. But for Tony, it really got him onto a whole kick, because then he really...

Is that how he lost his virginity? Uh, no. No. We used a cat. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Tony doesn't go overseas. Tony doesn't ever even sign up. Instead. He's a draft dodger? Tony's a draft dodger because his one whirlwind night with this mysterious Russian lady.

Sorry, I just, sorry, since I have the headphones on, Beth just gave the most like, Oh, gulp. So that's how it was. That's what the night with the lady was fine for me yeah so that so that one night with the lady made me like wait there are other things and I want to go to war he's hearing stories about people she's great go war I like having sex with women here So he moves to a little town in Oklahoma where he's getting paid now for the next ten years, essentially laying low, working with the criminal underground.

Pedro, as we're fighting for Mussolini, the greatest of all leaders, do you ever feel that we may come face to face with our own son on the battlefield? Oh, I hope we never have to see our son again. I would have to shoot them right I was Everybody will remember him remember that we were fighting for the Nazis Federico Fellini, what do you feel about Mussolini? I like him a lot Meanwhile back in America back in a little town in Oklahoma back in a little city in Oklahoma called Dewar Oklahoma Dewar

W-A-R. Did you take an Anastasia with you or did you just leave her? No she fucking left me dog. Okay I'm working with the criminal underground cuz that's how I got in with the criminals I'm building up a bunch of cash and I hope you tie it to the other side. This episode is your whole fucking life and it ends. Here's the best part about part about this little clever conceit I've come up with. You see, he was working and living in DeWaar, Oklahoma, so he can say with a stray face, and that's a lie detector test. When I was in DeWaar, I learned this, and every time you'll know this, every time I've said DeWaar in this podcast. I've said the war

Okay, yeah, we're pronunciation of an actual city Okay, anyway, Tony collects enough cash to be able to afford now Finally, he realizes the real grift coming out is he's hearing all these stories about jeeps He's like jeeps are getting better in warlord to I bet cards get better here afterwards I should own a used car lot. so with his cash earnings from the mob He moves on over to the new community. That's being said. Excuse me Sir you look like a man. I used to know Man that was another life, baby a man by the name of Tony solo

Tony solo is dead What he's looking at a car he was fine He died in the war. I'm Tony and he looking around for another name He sees a Corvette, but that mispronounces it to collect I know what are the odds right I know sometimes will life weaves a Complicated tapestry and we never know where those threads may refine themselves rejoin the car You just see a cat and remember like oh when I was a cat I was called In another life I would have liked just

Meeting up every ten years and doing a movie with you Well too bad toot I own the car lot. Are you gonna buy a car? Get the hell out. He points to a sign that says buy a car or get the hell out. And I keep losing customers. Wait a minute. What if I rented the cars to the corny teens?

And then that's his whole backstory. Man. I really understand Tony. It's just your typical cat becomes boy meets girl doesn't go to war opens the used car lot story. Yeah, everyone knows that. And then as he's losing conscious, what a fucking great life that was. Meow, baby. Well, can I really have a fun idea for a possible gameplay thing for the whether or not he hits

the car? fun idea for a possible gameplay thing for the whether or not he hits a car. I think we can pull up a YouTube video of just an intersection at Freddy picks a time. Go to that second and see if a car is in the middle of the intersection or not. Here's what I propose. OK, I have I. Freddy told me what he wants to do. Here's what I propose. Okay. I, I, Freddie told me what he wants to do. Here's what I propose. I have, looking at my character sheet, 61 luck points remaining.

I propose to our keeper that I hereby burn all my luck for the rest of the game. Zero luck. No more luck. It helps in any role whatsoever. I can't gain luck anymore. I burn it all. For me to glide into the intersection right in front of an ambulance.

Believe me. Like the luck of, I just got shot, and seconds later, I plow into the side of an ambulance. The luck of the Italian. All right, so here's what we're doing. Tony Collette, having had his entire incredibly stupid life that I regret having you guys play the characters for, flash before his eyes, is hurtling towards this intersection.

Per Matt's suggestion, I'm gonna click and see if there's a car in the intersection. And we're looking at the Four Corners camera downtown, city of Coldwater, Michigan. City of Coldwater, Michigan is gonna stand in for Peachyville right now. I'm going to click and then we'll see what happens. All right, Freddy, I'm going to click, and then we'll see what happens.

All right. Fred, I have bad news. Not only is there a car in the intersection, it appears to be a semi-truck. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Here's what I see. Here's what I see. I see a semi-trucking intersection, but I also see it's just the back trailer part.

Now here's the question. Do I scoot through Fast and Furious style underneath the middle part? Your car is huge. There's no way I'm not saying it's gonna go on unscathed, but I'm saying well if the top gets sheared off, you know I mean like underneath. Yeah, with your head. No because I got shot. I'm actually down There is no way a Ford Hensel is gonna fit under the right It's gonna get its top shaved off, and I'm gonna invent the convertible However however however listen you're right cars weren't as low back that but you know what also wasn't as low Semi-trucks weren't as low back then either

Gap under their fucking carriage You get hit by the truck I get hit by the truck? Yes, you get t-boned by the truck GOO! So here's what we're gonna say, if you burn all of your luck right now You can tell me how Tony weaseled his way out of dying Okay, alright

But you have no luck! Go ahead Beth, what are you gonna say? I think you should die I love Freddie No, no, I are you gonna say? I think you should die. I love Freddie. No, no, I'm burning all my luck. Here's what happens. I get shot. I roll through the intersection.

The truck T-bones me. It sends me into a flat spin. You were starting to do the ending monologue from American Beauty, like with your life flashing before your eyes. And then, yeah, this happens. I was like, cat. And then it sends my car spinning

through the intersection and goes And right into the receiving emergency room of the hospital kitty corner across the street And I go and the momentum kicks me out of the car and I land on the ground You land on an open hospital car an open hospital gurney Which that the momentum of it then pushes me into the emergency room like I've been shot And you're spinning so fast that like a centrifuge, like it spun the bullet out of your body. And then when you slide into the OR

and the doctor looks down at you, he goes, I can't operate on this boy, this is my son. Pedro, you must do it, you must do it. We survived the war and they let us come over here even though we are Nazi sympathizers. So we must save this boy, but not let them know. You went by the operation paper clip sympathizers So we must save this boy but not let them know We went by the Operation Paperclip and I have to open up this boy like I opened up so many Allied soldiers across the pond

Papa? Papa? We are not your papa, you do not know us We promised we would never let them know who we were Yes, we must keep you secret and safe Otherwise they might try to torture you for information about us My son, we can never meet again This is the last time I'll see you." And then the fucking anesthesia goes on to Tony Clarkson.

Anesthesia's alive? Anesthesia's alive. My love, my true love. I'm hallucinating. Pedro, make sure nobody's looking. Nobody's looking. I pull out a little magical vial that's got a small stone engraving of him as a cat.

And in it, you see one marble. And clearly this vial held nine marbles. And I pull out this glowing green marble, and I slowly place it in his mouth, and I say, leave one more time, my sweet baby boy. And I move your jaw to chew it for you. Gulp, gulp, gulp. You've worked through so many of these other ones

in such a short time, my boy. Please be more careful with your life. Please, I beg of you All right, so then Tony succumbs to the inky black of anesthesiology Okay, we'll pick up with Tony in a second. What a fucking life. He's led. Yeah, that was a lie for sure You guys wanted to see what happened with Your cat yeah You guys wanted to see what happened with them. Just to surprise your life, you were a cat. And then you failed your drivers license at 26. That's what we got.

And you had a whirlwind night with a woman who you decided to never see again. And you had sex one time. You failed your drivers license and had sex one time. That's all we got. For 40 minutes of your whole life. Fucking love it. Fuck, Tony's a legend, dude. Tony's a legend. Alright, okay boys.

As we plunge into darkness and Tony goes unconscious, Trudy Trout awakens. And Trudy, you find yourself lying on a bed. There's a mosquito net draped around it, you know, as like, you know, maybe in a sort of like old timey movie, like when they're on safari or something like that.

And you can't quite see beyond the mesh of the net, but like the space around you seems to be filled with a sort of like e. Oh, okay. And you can't quite see beyond the mesh of the net, but like the space around you seems to be filled with a sort of like eerie glow, I would say. And you see the shadows of moths fluttering around the outside of this mosquito net. Wow, thank goodness for this mosquito net or else I would get moths all over.

Why are there moths here? Hello, is anybody there? You also notice that the hole in your chest where you got impaled seems to have been fixed Even the tear in your dress has been sort of meticulously stitched back up. Oh Okay Help is anybody there? Can I get up? Yes, you can move now as well. Yeah, so I move I'm like, oh Well, that's that's a relief

So I move, I'm like, oh, well, that's a relief. And I get up and I guess I go outside of the mosquito moth net. So as you emerge from under the mosquito net, you see that you're in this huge underground cavern, like this massive underground cave. And in fact, there's an underground lake here as well. There's just like this big body of water. There's strange lights emanating from below the surface.

And there's this massive bulbous object. It looks almost like a big cocoon made from some sort of strange iridescent material. It's like half submerged in the water. Light kind of warps her along its surface almost like an oil slick. It's mesmerizing. Oh, and it's under the water.

It's like poking out of the water. Like it's half out of the water. Are there any like sticks or things that poke things that are around? Uh, yeah, you know what? We'll say there's like a tree branch down here. You don't know what it's doing down here. There's also rocks along the shore of this lake. Oh, wow. All right, so I pull a tree branch and I'm like, oh, this looks like a giant earring. I'm gonna touch it. So I poke it with the branch.

As you poke it, it sort of makes a hollow gong, like this really kind of like boom, almost like a serene kind of like a bell being rung at a Buddhist monastery. And as that happens, you see bubbles under the surface of the water, and they get more and more intense. And then with this magnificent geyser of water, a half man, half moth shoots out of the water and they get more and more intense and then with this a magnificent geyser of water a half man half moth shoots out of the water flapping his

wings into the sky with two glowing eyes water dripping off of his glistening carapace and he does look he does in point of fact he's got a bit of like a sexy wound on the side from where France has whacked him with his baseball bats, become wincing a little bit, but he blasts out of the water and he lands gracefully right in front of you. I'm immune to your charms because I only like Tucker, except not really anymore. Except I do, and my soul, If I have a soul. And... He holds a big fish out in front of you. Like this fish he's grabbed from down there is like flopping and it's still like kind of gasping for air. He has this sort of like weird device in his hand. And he sticks it up to his thorax.

And he makes all these weird clicking noises. These like squeaky clicks that are clearly how he communicates. And then a robotic voice comes out of this device and it says eat oh sure um do you have a well I could cook the fish I wouldn't want to kill the fish he waxes the fish against the ground bam bam bam and he hands it back to you crudie eat power brain Power brain and he just gives you the fish. Okay, I take the fish That's that's what I tell my little ones that that eating makes their brains and their bones so strong and Well, let's see if there's an oven and I can throw some breadcrumbs onto the- And then-

He shakes his head. Time short. Time- Danger soon. Trudy, follow. Okay. An aperture opens on this metal cocoon and sort of like a beam of light

stretches out across the water and he kind of just walks across the water. It's just a short gap, Like it's, you know, Oh my goodness. It's Jesus. He looks like a giant moth. He motions for you to follow him across this beam of light. And the fish, of course. Where's the loaf, Jesus? I take a bite out of the fish.

Okay, great. Yeah. You know what? This is like eating the freshest sushi you could possibly eat. Oh, it's like a Swedish fish. This is delightful. Wow. He walks into the light. I follow him. Okay. As you step in, the inside of this structure is as baffling as the outside. High sloping walls seem to curve seamlessly into the floor, which has like a kind of organic sponginess to it almost like you're walking on skin It's utterly alien yet somehow peaceful in here. It's like you're inside like a bugs womb or something like that It's also weirdly cluttered as you step into the room you nearly trip on a pile of like old paperback books stacked I in near the doorway. There's piles of all sorts of junk in here. You see like old televisions, magazines, pottery.

This looks just like Tucker's basement when I don't clean it. Well, he doesn't let me clean it when all the things are out. But then he puts books. I don't even know what he was really doing down there. But I have an idea. I wouldn't like it very much. Moth Jesus, nothing makes sense anymore. Moth Jesus nods to you and says,

Soon understanding. And he points to at the center of the room, you see the bowling trophy. Whoa! Oh my goodness. That's where it is. We lost this. Well, you took it.

Yes. And he squats down next to it and he plunges his hand into it and he comes up with like a sort of dewy purplish nectar that's filling this thing and it's kind of glowing softly and he beckons you forward. Prudy drink! Prudy see danger! Oh, the blood of Moth Jesus!

Uh, sure, if it's just M moth communion, I'll drink it. Okay, so he offers his hand to you. And as you lick his hand, what was that? I was slurping it. Oh, slurping the drink. Yeah. Bro, if Jesus offered you a drink, you don't think you're going to be slurping that down, dude. You smell like, licking like a cat.

I smell like a glizzy. I don't think you're gonna be slurping that down, dude. Yeah. Look at it like a cat. It's like a glizzy. Yeah. As you drink this nectar, your eyes kind of roll back, and you have a vision. You see Peachyville engulfed in flames.

Dogs howl and cats scream and babies wail as Peachyville residents claw out their eyes, bite through their tongues, and writhe on the ground, half in pain and half in sort of orgiastic ecstasy at the center of town dozens of figures men women and children clad in dark robes and bison masks Kevort and sing and laugh a circle of pallid skeletal figures and tattered lab coats whisper words from fleshbound tomes to a seething mass of packets that grows and grows and

fighter jet streaks above you over mainstream. A bomb drops and nuclear fire fills the sky. The shadow of a mushroom cloud erupts and wipes peachy veil from the map. And as this mushroom cloud rises into the sky, you see the silhouette of some gigantic beast beginning to rise within the clouds. And then you snap back and you are holding this. There goes mom's spaghetti. Oh boy.

Your hands are shaking and you're holding. This liquid is dripping from your hands. There's vomit on your sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. Yeah. And Moth Jesus looks at you and says, Pichyville danger soon. Zuzele, unborn.

Bisons seek the seed. Trudy stop Bisons. Trudy stop Zuzel. Trudy save Peachyville. I'm just a housewife. I might not even be that. I'm just a robot housewife. No, humans weak. Moth Jesus weak. I might not even be that. I'm just a robot housewife. No.

Humans weak. Moth Jesus weak. And he puts a hand on your shoulder. Trudy strong. Oh shit. Oh. Well, I should pick up my kids from school and think about all of this.

And maybe there's a great power that has awoken inside me, but how do I know it didn't come from an outlet, you know? As you're saying that, you hear another voice in the corner and it says, It came from you. It came from us. And you see Trudy Alpha, the original Trudy, and she's kind of lying on the ground

amidst the scraps of like all this junk. And you see that she now has a hole in her chest. And she kind of weakly waves you forward. Trudy, come quickly. I don't have much time. Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay. You're not going to hurt me. No.

You showed me. You showed me what we can be, what we are. And I told him to hurt me. No you showed me you showed me what we can be what we are and I told him to save you. I told him to take my heart and give it to you. Why would you say that? Because Trudy we have to help them. We have to help our family and our friends. Trudy's together strong. Trudy's together strong. And what's in you? It didn't come from an outlet. We have to save Timmy. We have to save our friends.

We have to save her. We are her, Trudy, like begonias grown from the cuttings, you see. And then she reaches her hands up to her head and she like presses this button on the side of her head and you hear like a click and she lifts up the top of her skull and you see a pulsing brain,

like a flesh, a human brain, clipped into all these wires running into her body. She's like, our mind comes from her mind. She is alive in us and we have to save her. And the people she, and the people she. And then she just kind of like cocks over. The people she.

I walk up to Trudy Alpha. And I see if there's buttons on the side of my head. There are. Okay, I press those buttons. Mm-hmm. Do I have a flesh brain? You sure do. Yeah, okay, yes, Moth Jesus holds up a mirror for you.

Oh, wow! Oh, wow, wow! It is as Moth Jesus say, Trudy strong, Trudy different. Well, where did these brains come from? How come we both have one? If we're her, then which did she have two brains? I don't understand.

All of a sudden, you hear this like high pitched wailing sound. Oh God. Emanating, bouncing around from it. Sounds like an alien alarm basically. And the colors on the walls begin to stroke violently and Moth Jesus throws the mirror down and urgently runs over the wall and presses his hands against it and all of these strobing colors kind of slide into a flickering image and you see an old weird bunker on the edge of town and the creature says to you it begins there is

no time many deaths soon will Trudy save Peachyville and he turns to you, it begins. There is no time. Many deaths soon. Will Trudy save Peachyville? And he turns to you and he puts out his hand. I don't take his hand, but I grab the trophy. Okay. I say, for Peachyville, we won this for Peachyville. I'll save it. Of course. I'll, yes, yes, I'll take care of it. Like I take care

of my family. Peachyville is my family. It's all connected and I am her and she is me and I, I, I, I, yes, Moth Jesus, I rise. Moth Jesus just kind of nods to you and he rummages through a pile of old crap on the ground and he pulls out this book, this ancient weird book written in a language you've never seen before. Spanish. And he hands it to you. Spanish. And he says, the words show the way. Oh.

And then above you a portal opens in the ceiling of this place. Despite the fact that you're clearly underground, you see the night sky and the moon above you. You can feel wind whipping into the air and Moth Jesus, I can't believe we're calling him Moth Jesus, steps behind you and puts his hands on your hips and says, we fly.

And with a powerful blast of his wings, you launch out of this cocoon through this portal and you're in the night sky. And you realize you're actually plummeting downward. You're hurtling back towards the earth and you see all of Peachyville glowing beneath you in the darkness, like a sort of jewel in the cosmos. Like a Monopoly board.

Like a Monopoly board. And Moth Jesus swoops through the air, holding you as the wind whips around you and you sort of like glide towards the edge of town and you zoom towards this strange old bunker on the edge of town and you zoom towards this strange old bunker on the edge of town. Not to be like teacher teacher, but we didn't like increase one of our skills. Teacher.

Yeah, what a skill. All right, everybody pick a skill. Fuck yeah, Spyhater dude, I told you I'm fucking maxing his out! Maxing his shit out! I'm with Matt, I want Spy Hidden too! Now not only one of us is gonna max Spy Hidden, we only need one Spy Hidden person. Matt, shut the fuck up and let Freddy do whatever he wants! I'm gonna put mine in stealth.

Okay, so first thing we're gonna do is you're all going to roll a D100. Okay. Alright, let's go down the road. So Matt, what are you adding your skill to? Are you doing Spy Hidden or what are you doing your skill to? Are you doing spot hidden? What are you doing? That's fine. I'm gonna do spy hidden. Frank can do whatever he wants. I called spot hidden. I picked that class first. That's fair. You can pick something else. I want to do spy hidden. Okay, so roll me a D 100. Okay. Is it what'd you get? 27. What's your spot hidden? 25. 25. Congratulations. You successfully Congratulations, you successfully advanced this skill. Roll a d10. So you have to roll over the skill that you want to roll over the skill It would be harder as you get better. That makes sense.

Ten! Well, all right. Congratulations. You now have a... I get ten on it? Yeah, that's your points. Yeah, sorry, I got spotted. Yeah, you got it. You got 35 on spotted. I'm 35 spotted, dude. So why is Kelsey better at spotting hidden things after the crazy night she's had? She being underneath the house all that time, she was eyes just acclimated to the dark. You know what it is, you haven't spent enough time in dark areas. It's the first time your pupils are dying.

I think just all this danger is just getting her senses up. Like she's just been in constant danger over the past. Like she's in touch with the animalistic. Like 36 hours or whatever. Okay. She's just more constant danger with the past. She's in touch with the animalistic. Like 36 hours or whatever. OK. She's just more aware. Yeah. And because, oh, and because she's been, well,

and because she's been exposed to being a gambler and this other stuff, she's becoming more, she's just, right, the weight of all these lies is slowly coming out. She's becoming just more confident in herself. So she's just less energy spent on the anxiety of being caught and more energy doing stuff that she needs to be. Seeing hidden stuff. Yeah, when my lies come out, I that she needs to be. Seeing him stuff.

Yeah, when my lies come out, I get more confident. Yeah. No, but you're looking around more. I'm going to do stealth. I rolled barely above. Nice. I got 39. And what's your stealth score? 35.

Okay. So now I roll a D10. You roll a D10. I got four. All right. So you are now a little bit sneakier. Nice. Maybe because you've realized your robot origins. Wow.

For some reason that makes you sneaky. Yeah, because I couldn't move. I have become adept at not moving and blending into my surroundings. Beautiful, I love it. Francis, what are we doing? So we're doing fighting brawl. I have a 65 fighting brawl.

I rolled an 82, and then I rolled a nine on my D10. Damn. For skill points. So I have 74 fighting brawl. I rolled an 82 and I rolled a 9 on my d10 74 fighting brawl because Francis this is the first time Francis ever instigated a fight with Sven and won Wow Okay, great, that's all you need to win a fight. It's all you need to win a fighter debate Alright Freddie, I would like to use persuasionasion so therefore I will roll I rolled a 20 mm-hmm That's your persuades go all right too bad. That didn't work No, too busy dying too busy dying to get busy living meanwhile in the emergency room. There's blood shooting Don't you die on me better. We sure just fed him a marble. That's just the marble They simply see most work

Oh, no this guy was doing just fine nice choking on something Pedro Luigi slowly Oh my god this man needs to be a put under immediately Blood this guy have we put more blood in him. It's running out of blood. It's running out of blood. Let's zip back to Francis. When you approach your house, because you

see for one the gaping hole still on the side of the wall from where Tony drove his Ford Edsel in there, what's your play? Are you going to walk straight in the door? Are you going to say hi to your parents? Are you going to check in? Are you trying to sneak in? What's going on?

I'm pretty tired. I think I'm just gonna go upstairs and go to bed, I'm just gonna walk through the front door and go straight to my bedroom. Okay, so you walk in and your parents, Ed and Kimon Juan, are pacing anxiously, because they haven't heard anything from you since the shootout at the Drive-In Movie Theater. And they go, Francis, oh thank God, Jimny Jimonjilikers!

And then Ed gives you a big hug. Hey, Dad, hey, Mom, I'm okay. Oh, son, we're so happy to see you. Oh my God, sit down, sit down, sit down. Okay, it was just, I kinda wanna go to bed, but okay. We're gonna let you go to bed, but we just wanted to talk about this crazy night. Are you okay?

I'm fine. Did you sell out my friends? So Kimon Juan says, Francis, you know what we said, we always believe that family comes first. And I had when it does it, you always tell me the opposite of the advice right after you give it to me. Family comes first, except for one family is, you know, you don't trust your family anymore, but we trust you and we love you. And so I had an opportunity to make sure that you were safe by selling out your friends. And so that's

what I did. But I did it to put you first. And I just want to say your father and I are very, very proud of you, son. I'm kind of upset that you sold my friends, but I'm pretty psyched that you're proud of me. So I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now. We've always been a little worried about you. I know that's probably no secret to you. But yeah, I mean, I'm worried about me, too. Tonight, we think you comported yourself very well. You rose to the occasion to rescue a defenseless young girl. And when the time came, you escaped the authorities,

which is also something we're very good on, because, you know, again, we don't like most authorities, but we do like some of the police. Fuck 12. Yeah, so you evaded the police. You evaded capture. You made some tough calls tonight. And we just heard, we just got off the phone

with your teacher, Mrs. Grammer's sister, who said that you defended your teacher with nothing more than an ice cream scoop. Yeah, I was pretty heroic, I gotta say. And then Ed, who's just kind of smiling proudly, says, you know, son, it's just we've been hoping we'd see this side of you emerge for a long time now. And when it did, we had a present we wanted to give you. For we weren't sure if a teenager was ready for something like this. But you know, after tonight, I think you've earned it. Is it a sharper ice cream scoop?

Cause I didn't get through the ocular nerve and I was kind of upset by that. No son, it's this. And he, from behind the couch, pulls out a Kar98 rifle from the German army. Oh my God. With a big old scope on it. A fucking Kar98, a German?

Did you get this from the war? This is a Kar98 sniper rifle that I pinched off of a Nazi during the war, son. You know, your mother and I are big on home defense, we're big on learning how to handle firearms so that we can act swiftly and decisively when the bombs fall, because it's gonna be man versus man, it's gonna be dog eat dog out there, and you've shown yourself to be a thoughtful responsible young man today so I am giving this gun to you and he gives you this sniper rifle can't wait to take this to school and show all my friends well yeah you know you can put it in your locker and go hunting with it

afterwards that's something that kids did back in the 1950s yeah cool so I am not very good with guns though I like it we are gonna expect you to practice with it every day we are gonna expect you to treat it with guns though, I'm only like at 25%. Well, now we are gonna expect you to practice with it every day. Oh yeah, I gotta. And we are gonna expect you to treat it with respect. But we did just want you to have that. Should I give it a name? Son, that's up to you. You give it whatever name you want. Broom Hilda.

Alright kiddo, why don't you head on upstairs. It's Saturday, you know you got work tomorrow, but why don't you just go ahead and relax? Why don't you head upstairs and polish your rifle? Why don't you go ahead and get a feel for that thing? Oh boy. Thanks so much, and dad you're the best also mom Did you tell that that you killed a guy that was sick? Yes? I did see that's what we're about as a family We look out for each other we do what's right, and we do what's necessary at all times Yeah, fuck everybody who's in us I guess they both give you a tender kiss on the forehead and send you upstairs Wow, this is the best day of my life Francis heads upstairs, so here's what I wanted to do so

Francis and Kelsey the two of you have a whole day before your fight tonight at the old weird bunker at the edge of town with Dakota Johnson. I'm assuming I go to the fucking. But you have money on it, don't you? Don't you have money on it? Also, your whole livelihood is at stake if they don't.

Yeah. It'll wipe your debt clean. You guys can do whatever you want. But I figure the way I would do it is there's a morning, noon, and night, and you can do any one thing you would like to do in each one of those time periods, whether it's train, scout out the competition,

depending on what the actions do, like you can earn some advantages that'll help you in the boxing match to come tonight, if you decide to go to the boxing match, but maybe you won't. I mean, not all P.G.ville's gonna get destroyed. I want people to do that. Well, you don't know that. Well, I know, but if I found out,

I'd probably be worried about Trudy and. I mean as far as we know, she just went home with her husband and is like at home fine. And Tony, well you gotta check in on him every morning. I figure. Yeah. But yeah, this is basically now the start of the morning.

We'll say Tony gets hit by the car at the end of the morning period, and then we can decide whether the word about that trickles out. So Francis calls Kelsey. Kelsey picks up. Hey, you ready for the fight tonight? Oh hey Francis, how are you doing?

I'm doing great, I'm doing so good. Yesterday was the best day of my life. Yeah, I was worried about that. Give me a reason, why is it the best day of your life? A bunch of beautiful British people fell in love with me. Okay, that's fine. And then I successfully evaded the cops. And I protected you from that guy.

And then my parents gave me a Nazi rifle. Oh. I don't like Nazis, that's not why I killed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanna be clear on that. I protected you from that guy and then my parents gave me a Nazi rifle Like the gun part yeah the gun yeah, and then how do you feel about what happened with that gentleman that was here? He's still alive right? Yeah, so fuck him. He was gonna beat you up I appreciate the use Danny up for me Francis. I had an idea for tonight. Okay. So if you can't beat him, I have a gun. Yeah. So I knew you were going to say that. Yeah, because it's a good plan. Okay.

All right. All right, Francis. Well, maybe we all gather everybody for lunch or something. Okay. Yeah, lunch. That's great. Yeah, let me get my rifle. Okay.

Her name's from Hilda. Oh, that's a nice name. Where are you from? She's a ten. Where? Oh, where? She's a ten? What does that mean? She's a nice name where you're back in where oh, where she's a Perfect 10, she's so beautiful. Oh, you really like your gun. Yeah, okay. Where are you gonna practice in my backyard?

I'm gonna set up. Okay. Well your backyard is very close to my The woods that's a good idea Take some targets with me. Yeah. Yeah, just like shoot into like a berm or something like bullets go far Yeah, you know that right? Yeah, no, it's a sniper rifle. So I got my god That's the thing. They won't even see me. They take the shot. I get him in the kneecap or something You'll just go down and then you can punch him in the head as hard as you can and a full down Your parents give you a sniper rifle. Yeah, are they cool? Yeah

Hey, you know, I don't know what it's like to be a parent. So Okay, well, we'll talk soon Francis. Yeah, we will. Okay. Love you. Sorry. I don't know why I said that. Sorry, I'm just instinct. No, it's fine. You're a good kid. You're a good kid, Francis. Thanks. You're a good teacher. Okay. Thanks I hang up the phone and Kelsey's like been looking in the mirror and she's like kind of touching her cheeks and she's like And she opens up B and she goes to blushing. And you see that she wrote, only humans can blush. And then she has nothing else written on it. And then she pulls out one of

the encyclopedias underneath the bed, somebody else, and she opens it and she sees all the information and she's about to write it. And then she glances down and sees all the blood from the eyeball that happened. And she sighs and she closes the book and she throws it underneath the bed and then she's gonna call Trudy. Hello, Trudy Trout speaking. Oh, hi Trudy. How are you after everything?

How was Tucker? He seemed a little upset. I'm just wonderful. Tucker is the most amazing man and I feel bad for disobeying him mentally the other night, but I am on the straight and narrow as they say. I'm just back to my sunny normal self and I'm so in love with the man of my dreams and the man that I married and the man who married me.

Oh, how did he feel about last night? Oh, I don't know. You'll have to ask me another time. Oh, why can't I ask you now? What's going on? I don't have that information. Oh, what? You don't have the information of what he felt last night? Well, there's a glimmer, if you will, a sort of memory of a memory, maybe. But last night was a dream. Everything went according to plan. Everything went so well.

And I went and I got eight hours of sleep. I feel so refreshed and renewed. I feel like a new woman. Oh, okay. You know, I don't know why I asked about Tucker. I'm more concerned about you. I mean, that was pretty crazy last night. Everything that happened, the guy and the messages

and what do we think? I haven't talked to- Of course, and how are you? How is your lawn? Oh, I'm- I wanna to- Oh, of course. And how are you? How is your lawn? Oh, I'm- I wanna roll-

Very Buffy robot, how's your money? She seems weird to me. What do I roll to just like- Psychology. Psychology. That's a 19 and my psychology is 40. 40, okay, so that's under half. Yeah.

So that's a hard success. So yes, she seems different. Hey Trudy, you wanna meet up for lunch? There's a thing I'm gonna have to take care of later today. It'd be nice to have the- Trudy dear, you've been on the phone for quite a while! Oh sorry, Tuck. You know, I just get talking to these salespeople and I just can't stop. They have so many things to sell me. Well why don't you sell me a kiss on the cheek, dear? You're so funny! Can you pass the phone to Tucker?

Oh sure! Tucker, there's somebody who would like to talk to you. Delightful. And then Tucker hangs up the phone. I'm going to call Tony. All right, well, he just got hit by a car, so. It just rings? It just rings. No answering machines back then, huh?

I don't think so. Do you have a secretary? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe afterwards the guy comes in. Hello? Oh, hey. What's up, Freddie? David Dale, Dale, Dale, Dale. Oh, hey, what's up?

Fred Dale here for it was a Fred Dale. Where's Tony? I don't know man I just came in to open up and he's not here wait through all the effort of finding my own voice Okay, all right fine. Let me give me a second. I don't know Here right now. Oh, I'm real worried mister. Have you checked all the usual spots? Have you checked in the back alley? Have you checked? I checked in the alley, I checked in the bar across the street. I checked in the bar across the street for that one. Under the Jeep, under the front?

Under the Jeep, under the front porch, and this door is wide open. It looks like someone's turned his place over. Oh, and that's all we've heard? And there's cops everywhere in the intersection, just across the street. You gotta come over here. I'm real scared.

I need an adult. All right, stay right there, right? I've got 12 cars I gotta rent over here. I'm real scared. I need an adult. All right, stay right there. I got 12 cars. I gotta rent by myself. I don't know what to do. All right, I'll be right there. I'm gonna drive over there. Okay.

We'll say it's now the afternoon. Okay. What did you do with your morning, Francis? He opens up his closet and you see, well, we see, but nobody else sees, his altar to Shane. Like, there's scribbles all over the inside wall of his closet

about, like, things he might possibly be allergic to, his routine from when he leaves the school, to Shane like there's scribbles all over the inside wall of his closet about like things He might possibly be allergic to his routine from when he leaves the school and when he goes home Possible blackmail stuff on his dad like all this shit in his closet And he takes out one of the pre drawn pictures of Shane and he goes you and me are gonna Gonna train a little bit in the woods Shane Puts it up against the tree. This is his dark secret And he takes the picture out of the woods, puts it up against the tree. This is his dark secret. Puts it up against the tree and goes, hey, who's a pussy now?

And he fires and he misses and he goes, okay, it's still me, I guess. But we'll see. All right, let's zero in. And he's just going to spend the whole day trying to shoot at this picture of Shane from as far distance as the gun will go out. Anthony, can I pitch you a Dear Evan Hansen subplot between you and Shane? Francis, give me a firearms roll. My firearms is naturally 25 and I rolled a 41.

Okay, so yes, it does not go well and you do not gain any wisdom from doing this. Unfortunately, you just kind of spend the entire afternoon getting like, Yes, it does not go well and you do not gain any wisdom from doing this, unfortunately. You just kind of spend the entire afternoon getting like, I guess you get a little bit more acquainted with this gun. So we will say that you get one advantage dice to spend at some point on this rifle the next time you use it. And you draw upon the one time you actually managed

to by pure luck hit the target. But it's only once. Yes, I'm the chosen one. All right, so it is now the afternoon. You're heading to Tony's. Francis, you do have work I'm the chosen one. All right. So it is now the afternoon. OK, you're heading to Tony's. Francis, you do have work today at the jerk shop. Do you want to go to that or do you want to weasel out of it? They don't need me. I'm needed here.

Yeah. Do you call in? Yeah. I run back home really quickly and I call in it. Hey, I can't I can't come into work right now. I'm sick. OK, I'll find somebody to come in. Thanks so much, Julie. You're the best manager. Um, whatever. Perfect. Go back out to the woods and continue shooting.

So you're going to spend the afternoon shooting as well? I rolled for the second training and my guns is 25 and I got a 24 on my roll. Oh, excellent. We'll say you get two advantage dice for this you know three advantage dice You can burn the child of our group is now better at shooting guns So at Tony's cars cars cars There's already a line through the door of like angry teenagers trying to like return is pretty good aside this I'm saying the scene because Fuck you mean I'm just saying the scene. I just said the guy said

Yeah, yeah, I get to this side of Matt go fuck yourself Matt This is where we draw the line for us inserting things into the story Yeah, it's like me just doing one sentence of like yeah Just following up on a little bit of roleplay I didn't see previously here comes Matt trying to fucking police my, my universe, my AU. I was looking at Will be like, what happens when I get there? You start talking. Yeah, this is, I like this though. So yes. So yes, there's a crowd of angry teenagers. Yeah. Because remember the night before was the big drive-in movie night.

So now this is them. Everyone trying to get their returns and then on their car. Old Fred Dale can't keep up with it. Okay. So you go in, it's a mess of activity as you walk by in the front. There's just like a bunch of teenagers. I gotta get, Hey, I gotta get to work. So you still haven't seen anything of Tony. No, nothing called in. That's right No, nothing. Hey, if you could give me a hand with all of these teens I could maybe take their keys and park them around. Ah, jeez. I'm so overwhelmed. Oh, I wish I could help I got a lot going on. Hey, fuck you lady. Okay. Well, okay, Freddie. This is why you're working where you are. Okay? Okay, well okay, Freddie. This is why you're working where you are okay?

You are always a trouble kid look at that look at no respect. I'm supposed to do your job for you I'm here. You don't know where your boss is. I'm trying to find out where Tony is. He's my friend He's just said there's a bunch of cops and there's some crazy thing at the intersection So I want to go okay. Yes, we can go to the intersection. Yeah, okay So yes at the intersection you see there is a wrecked Ford Edsel that says Tony's car. There's a traumatized truck driver who T-boned this thing and there's cops taking his statement. Yes I'm gonna ask what happened. Well miss what's your name? Who are you? Mrs. Grammer. I just come on. Oh I've been to your house. Excuse me Miss Grammer I didn't recognize you. How's Cindy doing? Well her? How's Cindy doing? Well, her meatloaf's the best.

Well, we're not going to be having much more of it. Oh, why? What happened? We're vegetarian now. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. The first ones in the history of America. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure she'll be okay. We're vegetarian now. Do you still go to the same church? Well, what can I do for you, Kelsey? I'm wondering what happened. It looks like that's Tony's car. Is Tony okay? What happened? Well, his car got hit by a truck. Okay, was he in it though? Miraculously. Oh. Tony Collette flew from the truck and landed on a hospital bed. Oh. See, that's the Peachy ville ER right there. Okay, I run to the ER. Sydney and I'll see you for vegetarian meatloaf on Thursday. Okay, I hope she's feeling. Sydney and I'll see you for vegetarian meatloaf on Thursday. Okay, I hope she's feeling better.

As you open the door to go into the hospital, two hurried Italian men are walking the other direction, ripping off their surgical uniforms. We can never tell anybody what happened here. Where do we go now? Back home. We can't go back to Italy. Mussolini's not there.

It's not the same country now that he's gone. Well, there's a bunch of Nazis in New York still, so I guess we could go live with them. OK. They love our pizza there in New York. We will open a pizzeria, and it will be called Sbarro. Oh, I love you, Mr. Sbarro. I love you, Luigi.

That's right. Every year for Sbarro's is made by Nazi Zipadizes. It's like Doc Martens. You go into the ER, once you explain that you're Kelsey Grammer and you know the receptionist's child, she's like, oh, of course, Kelsey, come on in. She points you to Tony Collette's room where when you walk in, you see Tony Collette bandaged up, looking like absolute shit, sharing a cigarette with Dr. Mann. Oh. And Dr. Mann's like, I told you, Tony, to watch out out there, you old horse thief. Ugh.

Tony, what happened? Dr, what happened to Tony? Well, it seems like this strapping young buck got banged up pretty bad and fortunately caught in lucky break. Now Dr. Mann's helping him get back on his feet. Dr. Mann, give me another cigarette. Sure thing, bucko. Thank you so much. And you can give me back on his feet. Dr. Mann, give me another cigarette. Sure thing, bucko.

Thank you so much. And you can give me a moment here with my friend. He'll light up a cigarette also. Little smoke break. Some privacy, please, doctor, please. All right, well, I'll give you a couple of minutes, and then I've got a prescription for you I gotta give you, so I'll be back in the...

Oh, goodie. However long it takes for the two of you to talk. Okay. Oh, Cassie. Cassie. What happened? however long it takes for the two of you to talk. Okay. Oh, Kelsey. Kelsey. Tony, what happened? Tony, Tony. Embraces Kelsey and starts weeping.

Tony, Tony. What happened? I'm living the life of lies, Kelsey. I know me too. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm hearing you. What happened? Tell me. Kelsey.

Is that a bullet hole? Kelsey, it is. It enters and it exits. Did you shoot yourself? No, Kelsey. Somebody shot you?. Tell me. Kelsey. Is that a bullet hole? Kelsey, it is. It enters at the next. Did you shoot yourself? No, Kelsey. Somebody shot you? Somebody shot me. Oh my god.

I'll tell you what it is. Kelsey, come here, Kelsey. Yeah, I'm right here. Kelsey. Yeah. The secretary at the police station. Yeah. She's like, god damn dope, good, dirty, red.

Oh, what? Communist. Kelsey like stumbles backwards. Chips. I got all mixed up in this thing, but Kelsey, Kelsey listen to me. We got ourselves an album, baby. We got ourselves, the Queen owes me a favor, you see. The Queen?

I forgot about that. The Queen of England? The Queen of England, you I've got a Queen of England owes this former cat a favor. A lot of people have been like I like that Will's like saying no a lot more to everybody this season. He's really sticking by the rules. So okay wait why is the Queen owe you a favor? There's so much going on I don't know. Judy's acting weird and... Kazzie I'm so sorry for everything I've said. It's okay much going on. I don't know. Judy's acting weird and I'm so sorry for everything. I've said it's okay. It's all a lie. I know you're soft on the inside.

I never went to the war. I went to the war. I never was in the war. I went to the war. You understand? I was in the war. I was in the war. You never. While our boys, while our boys were suffering and dying and across the ocean, I was scared. I was here. I was here. I was scatting 90 miles away in the war. So you. Wait.

This is important to understand. I was in the war here. Tony, Tony, Tony. I start patting your head. It feels good. I need you to speak a little more clearly. You're saying- I can't be any clearer, Kelsey.

I was not in the war, in the great war. You didn't go overseas. I didn't fight the great war. I didn't fight the second world war. I fought a war on my own in the war. What was that war that you fought? It was a war, a lonely war, you see, on the streets of the war.

But you said you've been in the war. No, you fool. Kelsey, you need to listen to what I'm saying to you. I was not. I was not. That's why I stand before God as my witness. I was not. Kelsey. I was in the war.

Oh, you mean you lived in the war? In many ways. Kelsey's hands begin to shake with a cigarette. Tony, I need to understand exactly what you're saying because I came here for help. There's just so much going on. There's so much violence and I've been living these lies and I'm about to fight again. And I know I can't promise you promise you never fight again. You told me this after months.

But after that one time we won a semi-final round of the bowling thing, you told me that I know. And I told you that one night of passion that we had 15 years ago. Yes. I regret immensely. Oh, sweet babe, you shouldn't regret it at all. We are all the products of our mistakes. But you were there for me that night. I was. And.

I don't understand. That when you say you weren't in the war, that when my older brother went overseas, like everybody was called to and died. You, you lied and you stayed here in the small town a couple of miles away called the war. That's right. You, that's right. I take the cigarette and I stick it in your cheek. I take the cigarette and I stick it in your cheek. Oh my God, what?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, doctor, doctor! What the hell is going on in here? And I drop it, I say, that's no man, and I start walking and I clench my fist. Kelsey, no, please come back, you're my only friend, Kelsey! And I say, I guess this is the only way to solve things. And I call up Francis and I say, I hope your gun's loaded.

Oh it is always baby, ready to rock and roll. Let's go fuck up a boxer. And yeah, I walk towards wherever it is that we're supposed to be boxing. I am the broken sky. All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary. I am the broken sky. I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies twisted in my mind and now I'm gone Thank you for listening. This is the part where I tell you about what's going on in the Dungeons and Daddies verse. Today! and Dags.com slash live for links. You can buy them there on the website, even on your phone. Patreon supporters in addition to already knowing about that show because they got first crack at

tickets. Sorry. They're eating good this month. EXL members enough. We just posted a gameplay video of Matt, Anthony, and myself, the OG gamer boys attempting Chained Together. This is a game where we're all chained together trying to platform our way back from the depths of hell have a listen to the Shenanigans take another look and see where it stops so we know when to jump okay right at that wood fence Yeah, right right when it stops now and go wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. What are you doing? What? Why did you call it Matt? Why did you call it? Follow the way this way follow the way this way God we follow it we did I went when it was following it. Oh my god. We said we were going to follow it. We did. I went when it was following it. Oh. I know but you called it to move when we weren't ready. Guys, guys, guys, guys stop for a moment. I failed you. I'm wrong. If I could take these chains off me and stay in the hell, I would. But at last you suck with me.

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Huh would that be sweet more fictional universes for you to be a part of so we all want Dungeons and Dices about all those Kelsey grammar Anthony Burgess Francis Farnsworth Will Campos is our DM Beth May as Trudy Trout and myself pretty long as Tony Collette our theme song is a hole in the Stars by Max and Waller Brian Fernandez is our content producer, Asha Nikola is our community manager, Courtney Tarr is our community coordinator, Cindy Denton is our merchandise manager, Estra Els is our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. By supporting this show directly on Patreon, you support independent podcast creators like us, as well as join the ranks of fine folks like Gabriel Portillo, Steve Wonderdog, Ian Not Ian, Kathleen Louise, Connor P, Christiana

Marcon, Bsherm87, Lee Doodle, Christian Theon, Nick Yardley, Elliot like ET, Cade Story, Kali Oksanen, Shanna Mendel, Uni, Louis Bunting, Mark Seleski, Gleisjoy, Dead Luther, and Christian Hauser. To get in on this, go to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Merchant more at dungeonsanddads.com, our live show tickets for the UK and EU, dungeonsanddads.com, our live show tickets for the UK and EU, dungeonsanddads.com slash live. And that next episode is coming at you July 30th. We'll see you then. But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling in my dreams and making them scars to Doctor! Doctor! Boom! Sounds like you've got woman trouble, you're crying! Oh, that's not cool!

Doctor, give me a phone! Give me a phone, doctor! I don't think you're in a condition to be talking to anybody until you- I need! He slaps you across the face, put yourself together, god damn it! I'm on the same cheek as the bird! Treat my wound, but I need the phone, I need to call someone! Alright, very well.

I'm gonna call you back. I'm gonna call you back. I'm gonna call you back. I need he slaps you across the face put yourself together god damn it same she gives the bird Treat my wound, but I need the phone. I need to cause all right very well. I've lost much respect I call Tony's cars cars cars Fred Fred you there. Oh, yes. Oh gosh. I don't know how long it's been but boy Oh boy, there's a lot of motherfucking people in here, Mr. Collette! I can't handle it! Just... just let them have the cars. What do you mean?!

What do you mean?! Just leave the keys! Let the children have the cars! It doesn't mean anything anymore, don't you understand? Don't you- don't you- don't you get the little lie? It's all been a lie! The cars and the fast talk! I'm not a man. Oh gee, okay. I don't know what to do with that information, Mr. Collette. Do you want me to just like lock up then? Can I go home?

Yes, collect your full paycheck and Just take it. Just take the money. Just leave me be. Okay, kind of a weird thing for you to call me about, but okay, thanks so much, bye! I'd like to call... Hello, Operator! Operator! Yes? The Trout residence, please. Okay, connecting you right now. Trudy Trout, this is the Trout residence.

Oh, Trudy, my best friend! Oh, oh! Trudy, I need you to tell me everything's gonna be okay. Of course it is! Everything's going to be just fine! Who is this? This is Tony Collette. Tony Collette?

Oh! And the bowling team, remember? Oh yes! Jesus Christ! I like the bowling team! Yes, we are a team, and we went all the way! We did, didn't we? Oh yay! We did, didn't we?

Those were the days. Oh, what do you mean? Well, we won the bowling thing, and then everything went to sh- Oh, you sound so sad! You sound like- Who sounds sad, dear? Oh, it's just another person selling something, but I'm not buying, that's why there's no sound!

You can put Tucker on! You can put Tucker on! Oh, Tucker, another person would like to talk to you. Alright, well this time, now I need you to stop calling here, whoever this is. Tucker! Yes? It's Tony Collette, your boy. I don't know who that is. I'm sorry, sir. What the fuck?

I was friends with that guy. The end.