Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 9 - Ass in the Hole

Starting point is 00:00:00 I used to say, I just feel stuck. Stuck where I don't want to be. Stuck trying to get to where I really need to be. But then I discovered lifelong learning. Learning that gave me the skills to move up, move beyond, gain that edge, drive my curiosity, prepare me for what is inevitably next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies, lifelong learning to stay forever unstuck. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Welcome to Ghost Bros, a show where two bros hunt ghosts across America.

Starting point is 00:00:44 This is part six of our series exploring abandoned towns and buildings in rural Nebraska. Make sure you subscribe and hit that bell to be notified of when we drop new episodes. Anyway, on to the hunt. It's like a World War II bunker. Yeah. How did you hear about this place?

Starting point is 00:01:03 So my cousin, his grandpa, this guy Reggie, he died in this bunker. I don't know if there was a boxing match or something. It was super illegal. And then there was a big fire. And so they said, oh, if you can see, there's like, giant duties all over the top. Yeah, it was really sus because they

Starting point is 00:01:21 said they only found a couple of bodies. But there was a bunch of people there that were supposed to have died But it was very like do you remember that whole project Heartland thing like they said this was linked to that cuz that was in This area too Yeah, I think that might be part of it like the spirits of the people that died and the Heartland Like the spirits of the people that died in the heartland We what's that what's that on the ground it's dry dogs that blood Bro, what's the EMF readers say do the EMFs going off the charts man? It's going crazy

Starting point is 00:02:08 It looks like this guy was peeing and then just started bleeding or something like that. What is this? It's like a vent shaft or something? It's like a fucking air shaft over there. Okay, let's check it out. It goes down like so far. Can you see the bottom? No, but the blood is, there's like, the dried blood is all over it, man. It looks like they dumped a body down here.

Starting point is 00:02:24 I'm like, I'm feeling something, dude. It's like a cold spot. I'm feeling like a cold spot. The EMF reader's going crazy. I'm gonna call out. Hello? Is there a presence here? Is there a presence in this air shaft?

Starting point is 00:02:37 I said no. Look, there's smoke. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,DSM podcast, instead a Peachy podcast. This season we're playing Call of Cthulhu, and this is the Peachyville Horror, a Call of Cthulhu actual play horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes fighting the forces of darkness in suburban 1950s America. Freddy, we're like nine episodes in. When do you think you're gonna get off book with the intro? I'm never gonna get off book. This one's so dense, dude, and my brain... Hey Will, go fuck yourself, man. My brain read my intro like right off my computer

Starting point is 00:03:33 Beth the conductor always has the sheet music up Hey, oh you had that ready dude, it's written down right here I do extensive prep for any singers you might throw my way. Go ahead, try and say something that'll make me look stupid. I dare you. I'm scared now. You going to Saucon? Shut the fuck up Beth!

Starting point is 00:03:52 Wait Beth, you can't be eating! Beth are you eating? No eating on the podcast Beth! Maybe we should be recording at 1.38 p.m. when it's I have to eat, I eat breakfast and now I'm hungry! No, you're not gonna make us feel bad for yelling at you for eating. It was the virus! We're gonna rotate, we're gonna wait, we're gonna just wait. I'm much episode.

Starting point is 00:04:18 It's gonna rotate just between me and Beth. No, Will did once. You wanna get a big fat bite of that thing though? Go hard. Well, I don't have anything more to say. This is a blooper now. It's just us listening to Peveen. No. This is Patreon exclusive food and mukbang ASMR content. Oh big news by the way, Beth is gonna be DMing her first ever one-shot based on the dream she has. Yes, I'm so excited. We'll be doing that on the Patreon. It's gonna be the worst thing we've ever done. I know. You're not gonna say what it is? I don't think think we should okay. My name is Freddie Wong. Are we good to go? Yeah, good. Okay. My name is Freddie Wong

Starting point is 00:04:49 I play who knows for how long Tony Colette Tony punished Colette Tony stepbrother Colette Yeah upside down in the ventilation shaft the fast talk and used car dealer who may or did not fight in World War two But you imagine for this like step brother. I'm stuck like where you stuck like this 200-foot trench you couldn't fuck them Certainly that would certainly present problems for your ability to insert your penis This week's peachy fact for Tony or drop Lord drop as it were This week's peachy fact for Tony or drop lower drop as it were Tony did not fight in the war in World War two But but he did get drunk once with a fighter pilot and the fighter pilot right the Air Force guy

Starting point is 00:05:32 Mm-hmm told him about the anti-g straining maneuver the a GSM the what anti-g straining maneuver where you go strippers do Maneuver is weird for an algorithm to just have one letter being an acronym and yeah, yeah like G force he's for okay Videos of this yeah, you like huh? It's a method to tighten up like the muscles around pass out pass out when you're executing high G maneuvers a little bit of Lore that might come in handy here as Tony finds himself in this compromised exotic. You could have done like you dated like a contortionist or something, but you think

Starting point is 00:06:15 G-Force is going to help you here? Well this is what Tony's thinking about right now. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew Arnold. I play Kelsey Grammer, the happiest, nappiest school marm of Peachyville. And you know what she always says? A book's like a gift that you can open more than once. Oh wow. Keep opening.

Starting point is 00:06:32 That's beautiful. We're gonna need like a daily calendar of these Kelsey Bangers at some point. They're all ripped off from somewhere else. Some of them? 100%. They say all great teachers steal, right? Yeah. I mean, let's be honest. as a teacher. I've had an original idea They just have you read books And when I said sound a little bit more mean

Starting point is 00:07:02 The teachers often are showing you other people's words because that's what they're doing. You said, quote, have a teacher ever had an original thought? No. Matt, your mom was a teacher. Matt, my mom was a teacher. It's my mom's birthday. It's my mom's birthday.

Starting point is 00:07:23 Oh, happy birthday. You're saying shit like that. Happy birthday! Simple fact about Kelsey Grammer is... She's never had an original thought before. Kelsey's pretty excited even though she's scared right now. She's a little bit excited because she's currently writing C, and there is some nuance between what's the difference between the catacombs and a dungeon,

Starting point is 00:07:37 so she's very excited about where they are currently located because she always thought it would be exciting to go into a catacombs or a dungeon You be careful those Gen Z kids are gonna rip you their threads like wolves Holy shit, don't say that don't let anyone out there goes into a catacomb is sort of a catacomber if you will I'm Anthony Burchell play Francis Farnsworth the most bully kid in Beachyville not for long. You can't say that anymore. You shot a kid That's true, yeah, Francis Farnsworth the fucking alpha male Badass who does what needs to be done and will never be considered problematic by anyone ever Francis's fact is that his favorite movie his mom took him to once and she said, okay, on one hand, this revolutionized filmmaking.

Starting point is 00:08:31 On the other hand, there's some stuff that you'll see. And so that's why every year with his mother, Francis loves to watch Birth of a Nation. Oh God. Oh no. Sorry, what? What? What does she see in it?

Starting point is 00:08:44 The filmmaking. Okay. She's a weird centrist, so it felt like that's the kind of thing she would like. Well. Yeah, man, go ahead and follow up Anthony's Birth of a Nation fact. Yeah, sure.

Starting point is 00:08:55 I think my fact is really good. And, yes. So hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Trudy Trout, robot, doting wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful children. Peachy fact about Trudy is that she hates playing tag because she's always IT.

Starting point is 00:09:17 No! Beth, I'm so proud of you. No. Always IT. No. Like it, like she's always hit in Tag and information technology a term, but she's also technology because she's a robot. Yeah. Hi everyone. I'm Will Campos I'm your daddy. Oh master. Oh

Starting point is 00:09:35 Spooky adventure punch your mic. Hi, I'm Will Campos Mike punch And your daddy Oh master for this 1950s adventure. We're on? Daddy-oh master. Daddy-oh master. If you put the spacing on that, that sounds so sexual. Yeah, I'm daddy-oh master. Your daddy-oh master. I'm your daddy-oh master. And my fact this week for all of you

Starting point is 00:09:58 is that hanging upside down for too long can be dangerous and even fatal. Yeah, that can kill you. Prolonged inversion can cause blood to pool to the head, which can lead to a number of complications, including increased intracranial pressure, high blood pressure, heart failure, and ruptured blood vessels and brain hemorrhages.

Starting point is 00:10:13 Wow. I thought it was because if all the blood rushes to your head, you're too smart. Yeah, do I get a small bump? I feel like I should get a small bump on my intelligence rolls. I don't know about that, but you can't get a boner anymore cuz all your bloods in your head and won't go to your ding-dong Sounds like a challenge to me a boner help get that blood out of your brain. Yeah, it would reserve

Starting point is 00:10:32 But we true they tell all fighter pilots to do you can convince me that Tony Collette got hard in there I will give you one more round before you go. Oh, maybe he likes confined spaces We've established that's not true because he's claustrophobic All right, let's type it. Don't you are you sexually attracted? Nothing's sexier than the thing you fear We start with our stuck step brother Tony Collette You are You're doing your your G Kegels. You're stuck in here.

Starting point is 00:11:11 What are we gonna do with you? What are we gonna do with you? How far up am I? Can I see anything below me? Like where's the... So let's establish this first, your orientation. I dove in head first. You dove in head first. Okay so we are in a full nutty putty situation. So you're... Oh God. Describe to me just like what Tony's feeling right now. And we'll say it's been like five minutes. Well, so let me ask you this. The thing that drove Tony into the ventilation shaft was the fear of the black hole sucking chasm thing that he saw. Yeah. I've come down some distance on this and I'm stuck now. What do I hear behind me? Is it done? Is it?

Starting point is 00:11:47 So yes, you no longer hear this vacuum ripping through the air. Basically, what you're hearing right now is like sort of muffled, because again, you're in the air shaft and you're probably about 20 feet down now. You hear above you sort of like groans from like maybe the survivors of what's happened the last few people that didn't get sucked into the black hole. But then you're also hearing like a door creak open and you're hearing footsteps descend.

Starting point is 00:12:11 And basically what you're hearing is like the Bisons that escaped, these cult members that escaped previously are coming in and they are starting to finish off the job. So occasionally you'll hear a groan, should have abruptly cut off by a gunshot. You're starting to hear probably most alarmingly, like gasoline getting splashed around. Like it feels like they're gonna start burning evidence pretty soon, and this air shaft you're in might start filling with thick black smoke. Well, okay, so interesting.

Starting point is 00:12:35 Interesting, okay, so this is now kind of important. So I think first things first, Tony has a great degree of self-preservation instinct, and once he's hearing... As most people do. As most people do. As most people do. Especially when you start hearing like, uh, and then, pew, and then no more sounds from that. It's usually, you know, a good sign to keep quiet. He's sweating bullets, and he's trying to stave off the panic that is rising within

Starting point is 00:12:58 him. Oh, that's fun. Give me a sanity roll. You were laying traps for me, Will. You were just waiting for me to say something and then hit me with a roll. Hey you three do you want to bet if Tony's gonna make it out of here or not? I think it'd be such an anti-climactic way for him to die that I think he's gonna make it out. Okay you bet he's gonna make it out. No I think he'll die. I think there's a good chance he

Starting point is 00:13:18 could have made it out but then Freddy's gonna do something to piss off Will and he's gonna die. So I have this interest. Okay so I rolled an 11 out of 70 for Sanity. Okay, great, despite your claustrophobia, despite the rising terror, you managed to keep your shit together. I think what it is is that his understanding that he's in mortal danger by freaking out is overriding his freaking out.

Starting point is 00:13:39 I see. You know what I'm saying? There you go, very good, very good. I don't know if that happens. If you were scared. I'd be like, ah! No, he would know such a thing if he did fight in World War II, but seeing as he didn't,

Starting point is 00:13:49 this would be his first encounter with such a thing. So he's finally understanding the phrase, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So above you, having wisely decided to keep your mouth shut, you hear closer footsteps, and then- A rat? Huh?

Starting point is 00:14:03 Oh, sorry, I got scared. I was gonna say a rat. Matt's so idiot. What are you, about? I thought you were scared there was a little rat in there with him. Yeah there's a rat in there Tony what now? Oh my god. Hey little guy. Yeah yeah yeah yeah looking down you see a rat climbing up towards you. How? A vertical shot? What the fuck? Yeah rats do that. Don't rats do that? They cling. Can rats cling like that? They do. If it's a Lovecraft rat. It's an eldritch rat. Whoa, hold on.

Starting point is 00:14:30 First of all, I would like to. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Matt just said. No, I thought. And then he derailed. You were giving me information about what was going on above me. OK, so Google's AI says that rats are skilled climbers and can climb vertical surfaces like walls, pipes and drains. OK, great. So FreeSoul isn't that impressive?

Starting point is 00:14:45 So Matt very wisely decided to add a rat to the scene. So he was saying I got scared because I'm scared of rats. I thought he was saying a rat was coming out. You can last thing you want to do is tell a way. A rat scared of leveling up. So there's a rat crawling up towards you above you. You hear labored breathing from two people and you hear that little vent pop open above you.

Starting point is 00:15:09 Did you hear Shane's voice? Were you around for that? I may not know, but I would probably be able to tell that it was like some teen kid. So you hear a teen kid go, oh, oh, fuck, it hurts so bad. I'm losing so much blood. And then you hear another voice, a higher voice say, it's okay, baby, we're gonna get you out of here. It's gonna be okay. And you're voice say, it's okay, baby, we're going to get you out of here.

Starting point is 00:15:26 It's going to be okay. And you're Shane say, I love you so much, Carly. I'm so scared. And Carly's like, it's all right. We're going to sneak up this pipe. Okay, we're going to get out of here. I'm going to get help. We're going to get out of here together. And then you hear Carly start to climb into the shaft above you. Okay, Tony's going to try try and like shake himself and go, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

Starting point is 00:15:46 to try and cause reverberations and scary sounds to come up at Carly in the hopes that she'll slip and knock him down. Okay. You know the Nutty Putty situation is like, the more you get pushed down. Well, okay, actually no, no, no, this is an interesting point, this is an interesting point.

Starting point is 00:16:02 Yeah. How am I stuck? So here's what I think. I think that it is friction that has you stuck where you are. I think you have filled up the space, but the gravity momentum of you being dragged down was overcome by the sort of tactile friction of how wedged into this thing you are.

Starting point is 00:16:18 So in theory, with enough force, you could get shoved down all the way. It's a long drive. The vending machine technique. The vending machine technique. The vending machine technique. Okay. That's good to know.

Starting point is 00:16:28 Now, to what extent is it the cast on my legs causing this problem? That's a good question. I would imagine probably your widest point is your shoulders. Okay, okay. But you tell me. This is really specific. But in my head, I'm kind of Superman posed because by diving down, your arms go first. Your arms are straight.

Starting point is 00:16:42 Like I wouldn't have jumped down head first. I would have jumped down like arms first okay so it feels like my arms and hands are in front of me downward and the rest of my body is above so it does feel like either my shoulders or maybe my hips my big fucking big fat Italian ass big Italian cake dog yes all of that is resulted in you being log jammed in here okay so I'm going to pound my fists and make a bunch of noise in the hopes that whoever's up there falls down, okay? All right, I don't think you need to roll for that. I think you just do that actually no Give me a luck roll Freddy. No. I don't have any you got

Starting point is 00:17:19 That's right. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. I'm feeling something in the 40s 43 50 no, I did not hit my luck Okay, so in that case Carly looks down and just goes. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, there's like a guy in here Oh my god Mr. Collette Maybe it's Carly Carly. Oh my god. You're stuck down there, huh? Maybe. It's Carly! Carly! Oh my god, you're stuck down there, huh?

Starting point is 00:17:47 Yes. Wow, that's really bad. Okay, Shane, come on, let's go! She's peering up and she's looking up, she's like, oh my god, okay, yeah, it looks like I could barely make it, but Shane, I don't think you're gonna be able to climb. Shane! My blood is slippery. Yeah, yeah. Shane, get in here! Shane! Shane! Shane!

Starting point is 00:18:07 Shane, do you hear me? Shane! Shane pokes his head into the shaft. He's like, Carly, that's really high, I don't know if I can climb all the way- I'll break your fall from down here, Shane! I'm on your side, Shane! Shane, climb up with your hands, you'll be fine! Push and wedge yourself in, Shane! It's the only way out, Shane! Shane, do it! Tony's like Pennywise in the gutter right now. Give me a persuade roll. I have a 25 that's not good. 48 fail. Okay do you want to push

Starting point is 00:18:31 your roll? No. Shane's like yeah what are you fucking crazy old man I'm not doing that! Okay I just gotta think for a second. You hear Shane kind of going out for a second he says Carly what about this and he comes back in and hands her something. She's like you can tie this fire hose up at the top and I'll climb out, will that be okay? And she's like, oh yeah, that sounds great. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Carly, Shane, hear me out, hear me out, save a life.

Starting point is 00:18:53 If you don't do this, you'll kill someone. Spray the hose down here for a bit until I go free, then you're free to go. Oh, that's a good idea, wow, yeah, we can do that. Free cars, free cars, Carly. But look, I'm a little worried that the guys are gonna hear that, so we're gonna climb to the top. And then we'll spray down afterwards, yes, Carly!

Starting point is 00:19:10 And then we'll spray down afterwards! Carly, listen to me! Listen to me, Carly! Yes? If you don't do this, you'll be killing a man! Okay! You shouldn't have fought in the war! You can't have blood on your hands!

Starting point is 00:19:22 It'll haunt you for the rest of your life. Okay, okay. You want that? I've already agreed to do this. Additionally, three cars for you and one of your friends. Okay, okay, we're gonna go. All right, so they start climbing up this shaft. Carly goes up first because Shane's gonna climb up after her.

Starting point is 00:19:39 Oh, she's gonna pull the fire hose with her. She's got like a fire hose between her teeth as she's like climbing up. And then she's gonna get up to the top. And then I guess the plan is Shane's gonna to pull the fire. She's got like a fire hose between her teeth as she's like climbing up. And then she's going to get up to the top. And then I guess the plan is Shane's going to go up after her. And then we're going to go from there. We'll say because Carly is a strong and capable young woman, she's able to climb up without having to do a roll.

Starting point is 00:19:56 She basically shimmies her way up this pipe. We are going to give her a stealth roll to see if the bad guy's outside. Yo, she might just get shot up there. Yeah, I might have to not worry about falling in love anymore. Oh, she did very well. So she quiet as a fucking church mouse. Let's look at this thing. Solid snake over here.

Starting point is 00:20:13 Jesus. She's looking around and you hear her whispering the tears. OK, I'm up here. Oh, there's still a bunch of guys up here, but they haven't seen me yet. I'm going to try to tie this off to something. Just give me a couple of minutes. OK? And so she sneaks off to go do that. You hear Shane kind of wincing in pain above you and Shane to bleed on you. He will when he climbs. Yeah, he's gonna just put his leg over the edge So he can get that blood so he gets slippery. Good point. Shane

Starting point is 00:20:38 Yeah, Shane. How are you? How are you? How's your body positioned right now? I'm not feeling very good, but I'm just sticking my head down. I'm looking right at your big broken legs, Mr. Collette. Hey, hey, hey, Shane. Shane. Shane, you're gonna want to prepare yourself to climb quickly because the bad guys are right on your tail. You should maybe sit up on the ledge and swing your legs over. Okay. You know? And I get a good grip on the fire hose.

Starting point is 00:21:02 Okay, I'll give it a shot. Okay, I'm trying right now. So he does what you say. He sits over you and now there's just like a... That does this femoral blood leak on me. There's blood spurting down onto you. Ha, very good, very good. And now I'm gonna go, hoo hoo hoo hoo. Blood is kinda sticky though.

Starting point is 00:21:14 No, no, no, it's not. It is not, Seth. Somebody hasn't seen Gerald's game. Oh my God. Which one's Gerald's game? That's the one with the... Where she's handcuffed to the bad master escape by fucking... Oh, okay. Because Gerald's Gerald's game? That's the one with the- Where she's handcuffed to the bad master escape by fucking- Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:21:28 ...degloving herself. Because Gerald's game in my head, I was like, the Pixar anime short where that guy plays chess with himself? Yo, that blood. The R-rated version of Gerald's game. Did I miss something about that Pixar anime short? Where he fucking stabs himself. Jesus. Okay, so now aided by Shane's bloody lubrication.

Starting point is 00:21:44 Okay, so now aided by Shane's bloody lubrication Okay, so I hate is starting to bleed on you I was our shimmy blood would it take to lube up a man in a fucking situation like this. That's what I'm kind of wondering Well, he's dumping blood right now I should clarify he's got like a tourniquet on like he's got a makeshift tourniquet on so he's like He's got like a soaked bandage of a leg that is dripping Shane let that shit loose Shane you got it. Hey Shane So he's like, he's got like a soaked bandage of a leg that is dripping some blood. Shane! Shane! I'll let that shit loose. Shane, you gotta, hey, Shane!

Starting point is 00:22:08 I was in World War II. Did you tie the tourniquet right? What, what, what do you mean? Oh, my, my boy. My boy, you need to, you need to stem the flow. First things first, start fresh. Start clean. Take off the tourniquet and I'll walk you through the proper way of tourniqueting your legs, Shane. This is just like Army of Two. Um, gave me a... this feels like fast talk to me. That's exactly what I wanted. I got fast talk 55.

Starting point is 00:22:40 Okay, and we'll give you, because Shane is a little light on blood right now And he's an adult and kids listen to it and you and he doesn't know you weren't in World War two We'll give you a bonus dice on this role good thing you did. I went from a 64 to a 54 and my fast talk is 55 so I beat it by one Shane Okay, so what so? What do you want me to do sir officer? What do you want me to do, Sergeant? Should I salute you? Oh no, that won't be necessary, Private.

Starting point is 00:23:10 What you need to do is undo your tourniquet first. Okay! And he undoes his tourniquet and now his femoral artery is just spraying blood into the fucking shaft. Shane! Oh God! Shane, that lightheadedness! Technically that means I won't have killed him. Shane, Shane, that lightheadedness the you're feeling squeeze your neck muscles

Starting point is 00:23:35 Take the thing that you had in your hand okay now wrap it around your wound above the wound Shane above the wood and he has no leg he can do below the I don't know that I can't see it's just okay. Okay, and then as he's doing that Carly comes back Yes, okay, I've secured the what the fuck. Oh my god, Shane Oh my god, and she echoes this down the air shaft And then you hear outside the flamethrower guys in the fucking hoods are like, what was that?

Starting point is 00:24:07 There's someone in the bathroom, let's go. Must have been a rat. Must have been a rat. So now you are hearing footsteps coming for you around the corner. And Carly's like, oh my God, Shane, come with me right now. Don't listen to anything that man says, come here, come here, come here, it's okay.

Starting point is 00:24:18 Wait, wait, wait, to be fair, to be fair to Carly, she would have heard me say anything, right? She doesn't know that I instructed. Oh my God, Shane, you're bleeding out hang on hang on Come here. I'm coming for you And she starts climbing down and reaches a hand down for him Shane is very delirious But kind of recognizes and trusts the voice of causing okay, baby right here. This is military guys saying I should he's teaching me How to do a turn to get right I just don't know what kind of sick fuck are you trying to give them bleed all over?

Starting point is 00:24:44 You so you'll slide down that bed Oh my god, Carly's a quick one Figured out my game really well with limited information Hold on baby, hold on and you hear Shane like kind of clasp his arms on Carly and she starts climbing away So she's like fucking Terminator over here. She's got her legless boyfriend draped over her shoulders She's climbing up this fire hose. There's guys- Spraying blood everywhere. Spraying blood everywhere.

Starting point is 00:25:07 It's dripping down on your face. There's guys coming around the corner. You hear the door of the bathroom itself start to open. And before we go any further, Freddie, there's something I wish to discuss with you. Okay. Oh, M.G. Which is your future on this podcast.

Starting point is 00:25:21 Oh no. I would like to direct your attention. And now that you're in this totally fucked scenario to page 180 of the Keepers guidebook for Call of Cthulhu. Okay. The section optional rules, spontaneous use of the Cthulhu mythos skill. Now remember I gave you five points in Cthulhu mythos skill because of your insanity freakout and said you could cast spells. Unfortunately you don't know any spells, however there is this optional rule. Knowledge of the Cthulhu mythos not only allows a character to learn and cast spells, it can also allow someone to improvise magical effects akin to spells. This is resolved in the same way as any regular

Starting point is 00:25:59 skill use. The first player states an aim, the keeper then considers the aim as acceptable, and then we roll for it. So basically, you can sort of burn your mythos skills to do something vaguely magical. They, so some of the examples they have are causing harm to a physical target, banishing a monster, communing with a recently deceased. Here's what I propose. I'm going to give you this piece of paper. We're going to leave Tony in this moment of suspense and I will give you the rest of the episode to think of some way to bullshit your way out of this. And then we will resolve whatever goofy bullshit happens with Tony once we've gotten through the plot

Starting point is 00:26:32 with everybody else. Now here's my question. Did the blood lubricate my movement down at all? Like I'm shimming around and there's blood all over this. Yes, you are lubricated. Tony lubricated Kalei. I used to say I just feel stuck, but then I discovered lifelong learning. It gave me the skills to move up, gain an edge, and prepare for what's next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies.

Starting point is 00:27:03 Lifelong learning to stay forever unstuck. While all that is going on, we dig in deep down to the entrance to the Project Heartland Command Center. Francis, Trudy and Kelsey have just made their way down the stairs, escaping the black hole that nearly killed you all last time. So you're standing in like a large concrete hallway. There's like flickering light bulbs illuminating this place and it's wrapping around this big circular underground room. You see four tunnels heading off into the darkness beyond. The door in front of you is like this massive vault door.

Starting point is 00:27:42 The text above it reads Project Heartland Operation Center. So there's one door in front of us and like this massive vault door. The text above it reads Project Heartland Operation Center. So there's one door in front of us and then there's four? There's four tunnels kind of branching off. Okay, is the door like a massive vault door that like a human being could not feasibly open alone? There's like one of those bank vault tourney things on it. And then yeah, there's four tunnels. There were four guys that ran down here

Starting point is 00:27:59 and darted off down one of these tunnels. Okay, is everybody okay? Francis, are you okay? When you say that, you see that Francis is sitting up against the wall, I guess, and he's... Oh, honey, it's okay. It's okay. You're safe. We're here. We'll figure this out. There's no need to breathe that fast. You'll get oxygen no matter what. That is true. Takes long, slow breaths. There you go. And the gun is shaking in his hand. He's holding it over his knees.

Starting point is 00:28:29 Why don't we just take that for one second. And he pulls it closer. It's his emotional support gun. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Frances, Frances, look at me. I know that was really scary, but you're safe. Okay. You're here with us and you're safe. We got to we got to start moving. We got to find a way out of here. I'm assuming we really scary, but you're safe. Okay, you're here with us and you're safe. We gotta we gotta start moving. We gotta find a way out of here.

Starting point is 00:28:47 I'm assuming we hear like stuff behind us, right? You hear like gunshots and yeah, you hear essentially the same thing that Tony heard. We can't go back that way. Okay. And there's also clearly guys down here also. So we have to be safe. So Francis, I think I should hold that gun. Or if you're going to have that gun, we need to have a gun down here,

Starting point is 00:29:05 because there's guys, there's bad people down here. Francis can't make eye contact with you, but he nods, and he stands up with the gun at the ready. Would you feel better if me or Trudy held it? He nods. Okay, do you want me to hold it or Trudy to hold it? Here's what I would look like if I were holding a gun, and Trudy acts like she's holding a gun.

Starting point is 00:29:22 He hands it to Trudy. Okay, yeah. Trudy, yeah, if you shoot as good as you pull, I think we're going to be okay. All right. Well, there's four places to go. There's this big door, but I have a feeling that if they put a big door there,

Starting point is 00:29:35 it's probably not the best place to go. Ooh, and if there's dead bodies down here, that would make it a catacombs. But here, I think it's more like a bunker. Is that really what makes a catacomb a catacomb? Well, yeah, so, it's, Francis, good question. So, what I understand is, I'm reading right now, but my understanding is that catacombs are used

Starting point is 00:29:49 for religious purposes and often, like, yeah, they often are for buried bodies or they're underneath churches or so forth and so on. But to be fair, I'm still learning about it. But yeah, I think this is more like a bunker, or maybe a base, but it's underground. So there's gotta be a way out of there. As you are giving this lecture on catacombs,

Starting point is 00:30:04 you hear a voice cut in over an intercom next to you and it says, hey, hey, hey, hey, who are you? Don't answer. Who are you? Oh. I have not seen you before, why are you here? Hey, hey, I see you, I smell you, I smell you, you smell bad, two of you smell bad,

Starting point is 00:30:17 one of you smells less bad, why are you here? He sounds like a doggy. Who said that? The one who does not smell bad said that. I'm not saying anything. I am aware that you are being tricky that you are here and You do not need to speak but I can hear you I hear you and I understand that you were there Two of you smell bad one of you does not you followed the bad men in masks down the stairs

Starting point is 00:30:34 But you do not smell like them. Oh, Arlo thinks you may be here to help. Oh, hi. Okay, so you are talking to us the three Of us. Yes, I'm talking to you. Oh, I was talking to you. Oh, sorry. We're really sorry. We're here We're just if we're here. We're just, if you notice, there's like, yeah, an awful massacre happened up there or something. We're just trying to get out of here. Whoever you are, we're not, we don't mean any trouble. We just want to leave.

Starting point is 00:30:54 There's this microphone and then you see these little arrays. Oh, is that the door? Yeah, you see it coming from the door, we'll say. Yeah, like next to the door. Like Jabba's palace. Yeah. Again, you hear this voice say, you do not smell like them, but two of you smell like the very bad thing below. Uh. But you do not have square badges on your

Starting point is 00:31:10 chest. Therefore, Arlo is not authorized to tell you how to stop the bad man and the bad thing below. We are here to help because we are on a mission from Moth Jesus who said that our our our purpose was to save Peachyville. Peachyville? Our home. Home. And your home is here. Home is where the heart is. And this is Project Heartland, but you do not

Starting point is 00:31:31 have square badges. You seem like you may be good. You seem like maybe Arlo can trust you. I don't know who Arlo is. Arlo is Arlo, an automated digital computer that oversees the day-to-day operations of Project Heartland. Arlo is a very good computer. Arlo runs very fast.

Starting point is 00:31:43 Arlo fetches data very fast. And Arlo guards. A computer? I would love to take a look at a computer, if you don't mind. Absolutely. I don't know a lot about them, but I'm learning and that was,

Starting point is 00:31:55 wow, a computer can talk? Like it talks to you? Arlo only talks to people with blue badges. Oh. Blue square badges. Blue square badges. Trudy, do you have any blue square badges? Does Tucker? Trudy is trying not to fall in love. Oh blue square badges. Blue square badges. Trudy do you have any blue square badges? Trudy is trying not to fall in love. Blue square badges can be found at the testing center.

Starting point is 00:32:11 Okay. Testing center. Well you're a computer. Can't you just run tests in your little computer brain? I do not run the final test where the blue badges come out but I I could, no, but I could. I'm sure you could. Arlo could show you where the badges are. And then, because Arlo trusts you. Arlo thinks one of you smells good and the other two don't smell like the bad men in masks, even though they smell like the very bad thing below. Which, there's me.

Starting point is 00:32:39 Who are you? I'm the big, lovely shaped woman who looks like. You smell bad. Oh, okay, oh wow. The one with the rifle. Oh yes. She smells good. I'm the big lovely shaped woman Who looks like oh? Wow the one with the rifle Baking earlier and then again it was it was quite a bit earlier But I was baking some marvelous stuff and so maybe it still smells like that guys give me like a group Persuade role to sweet pressure role. I love it a peer pressure role. I fail you failed 47 and my persuade 55 I

Starting point is 00:33:12 Need help Arlo knows you do not have blue badges, okay Trusts that you want to help Arlo will let you in but Arlo is watching this vault door slides Oh, just sort of rolls back and it reveals basically like the reception area of a military base inside. There's a smooch. Yeah, I know what those look like. Sort of a one ring of a three ring circus if you will.

Starting point is 00:33:36 This is hard, you're a hard job, Anthony. I'm really starting to appreciate it. Yeah, no shit. It's like a long stone floor in this hallway leading to a reception desk. You see an American flag in the corner. You see a picture of FDR on one wall. It's giving very World War II vibes in here.

Starting point is 00:33:52 And on the floor, you see this big logo for Project Heartland. And it's insignia, it's motto, Victoriom Ultra Astra. Does Kelsey know Latin? No, not yet. Give me an education role to see if you can suss out what this means. She's good at, you No, not yet. Give me an education role. Oh, she's educated. To see if you can suss out what this means. She's good at English language. Ooh, yeah, I crushed that.

Starting point is 00:34:09 I got 24 and my education is 70, so that was a good one. Oh, sick. Okay, so then you can suss out that this means victory from beyond the stars. Ooh, oh, is this space? Hey, oh, Francis? Is this space? Oh, that is the space.

Starting point is 00:34:23 Oh, is this part of the space program? Francis Trudy, this sign here, take a look at it, this is? Oh, that is the space. Oh, is this a part of the space program? Francis Trudy, this sign here, take a look at it, it's a different language, it's Latin. I don't know very well, but I can suss out that this means victory beyond the stars. Wow. That's nice. Beyond the stars. That's beautiful. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:38 Wow. Francis burst into tears. Oh, no. Oh, Francis. Francis, what's wrong? You said we have to keep moving, so we keep moving. Oh, well there's always time for feelings. Life is about keeping moving, but.

Starting point is 00:34:49 Hey, hey, hey, you hear Arlo. Why are you looking at the floor? Why is he crying? Well, yeah, we. There's no time. There's no time to figure that out. The door's about to sink in here, you must help. Can I close the big door behind us?

Starting point is 00:34:57 Sure, yeah, okay. Okay, well I don't know, there's bad guys around. Yeah, okay, let's see if he closes the door. The world is in danger a lot, and yes, but we have to stop every once in a while. Arlo, let me put it this way. If we continue going, we might go slower because he's having a hard time.

Starting point is 00:35:11 Whereas if we settle this now, he may be more efficient and move faster. Very well, Arlo cuts out. Okay, all right. Francis, we're here. Why don't you talk to us for a sec? What's going on? So Francis looks to Kelsey for a second

Starting point is 00:35:21 and begins to open his mouth. And then you sort of see him change his mind and he turns to Trudy. And he says, you got, you're programmed, right? You have programming? Yes. Well, yes. How does it tell you what's okay to do and what's not okay to do?

Starting point is 00:35:35 That's interesting. That's an interesting question. I've never thought about that question before. Well, I thought I felt it, you know, that pool inside that tells you, yes, this is the light, this is where the love is. I thought I felt it, but now I don't know. Maybe it's just a series of numbers telling me to go in one direction or the other, and maybe the direction always leads me to the love

Starting point is 00:36:00 and to the light, but I'm sure I've made bad decisions too. I'm sure I've done bad things too. I'm sure I've done bad things too. Tucker gets annoyed with me so often. And well, what did you do, honey? So if you've got numbers and you follow numbers to do a good thing, that means that you can be you I'm going to ask you for help for doing things from now on because you have the numbers and it's consistent. And I did I think I did something bad. I think it is something bad and it didn't feel bad is the bad thing and then I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it again and I just don't know if we can keep going now. Okay. Hey, Francis, when we're done with this, you know, we're your friends and we're here and we will

Starting point is 00:36:40 find somebody to help you. Okay. You don't need to tell us everything right now. I know it's hard, you're a young boy and I don't know what you did. You'll be okay, okay? We're gonna figure this out and you can talk to us anytime. But if you wanna keep moving on, we can do that so we can get out of here, okay? I wanna move, I wanna keep moving. Okay, okay, computer?

Starting point is 00:36:58 Arlo? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, sorry, sorry, no, I never call you. I mean, you are a computer, but you also have a brain, right? Of course. Yeah, I don't know too much about brains. I'm sorry, did you call for Arlo? Yes, Arlo, sorry, sorry. No, I never call you. I mean, you are a computer, but you're also, you have a brain, right? Of course. Yeah, I don't know too much about brains. I'm sorry, did you call for Arlo? Yes, Arlo, sorry, Arlo.

Starting point is 00:37:09 I'll call you Arlo and you're Trudy, of course. So I'll call you Trudy. Yes. And if I say computer, just assume I mean Arlo. Okay. Okay, Arlo. Yes, yes. Where are you?

Starting point is 00:37:18 Can I look at you? So you see, if you move further in, you see beyond this reception desk, there are like three hallways. One of them says command. That's the one sort of dead center. One of them steps training and the other says Arlo. And there's like a sort of like arrows pointing to each. And so yes, there's the Arlo hallway. That one says Arlo. I can read. Yeah, Trudy. Arlo hallway is my favorite late night host.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Wait, also really quick, Trudy, you said, sorry, Moth Jesus and saving Peachyville? Okay, I'm just trying to figure out, because Arlo, we want to get out of here, but you're saying we can save Peachyville. Yes, we can save her, we can save Peachyville, we can save a bunch of people according to Moth Jesus, and, and, I can do it, but we can do it. Moth Jesus is not a recognized member of the US military and I do not accept his authority. However, if you are here to help, please proceed to the training center. Okay, is this a way out of here also?

Starting point is 00:38:10 Or you need help, you said. Yes! And you're part of the US government. Yes, I am. I salute the flag and I say, okay, let's go help. Which way do you want to go? Oh yeah, the team? Which way is the experiments?

Starting point is 00:38:20 Is it in training? Where you get the badges? Where you get the... Yeah, there's the training center, which is badges. There's the Arlo hallway hallway which leads to Arlo and there's the main door training yes good yeah we need badges for Arlo to talk to us let's go there okay so you walk down this tunnel and you arrive at the door for the training center you step inside you enter a nondescript white room with

Starting point is 00:38:39 three chairs along one wall and a big projector screen on the other there's a red button on the wall above the chairs. I press it. The lights dim, a window slides open on the wall above you. I know a slide projector. A window slides open on the wall above you and a projector beams a black and white film strip onto the screen across the room from you. Tinney orchestral music plays.

Starting point is 00:38:59 I hope it's the birth of a nation, man. Tinney orchestral music plays and the logo of Project Heartland flickers before you. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man.

Starting point is 00:39:11 I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man.

Starting point is 00:39:19 I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. I'm a nation man. Victory from Beyond the Stars, the history of Project Heartland. How else is this going on? You're seeing like, you know, stock footage-y newsreel type stuff. Kelsey goes into her podcasting and sets it at 1.5 speed. Dang, harsh.

Starting point is 00:39:33 Dang, dude. 1939. Rogue Hollywood filmmaker Joseph Joseph Abrams performs an occult ritual at the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility in Tennessee and makes contact with a powerful entity from beyond space and time. In the interest of national security, public knowledge of the incident is suppressed by the FBI. 1940, Nazi sympathizers in the Hollywood studio system leaked details of the Oak Ridge incident to Adolf Hitler and response the Führer authorizes the creation of a cult Fershingsbüro. Its goal? To contact the Oak Ridge Entity and harness its power in the name of the Third Reich.

Starting point is 00:40:10 1941. Scientists at Occult-Vershingsbüro make a major discovery. The Oak Ridge Entity is merely one of a pantheon of extradimensional beings known as the powers that be. Preliminary contact with the powers proves extremely beneficial to the Nazi war effort. Insights gleaned from contact with entities such as Dagon and the Cloud Thing lead to breakthroughs in torpedo technology and the V2 rocket. Shit. 1942. In response to these developments, President Roosevelt approves the creation of Project Heartland, a secret occult research base dedicated to earning

Starting point is 00:40:42 the favor of the powers that be and using their secrets to secure freedom and democracy for all mankind. You have been recruited, either from the government or the private sector, to join Project Heartland in this vital task. Over the next hour, you will face your final evaluation before receiving your work assignment, equipment, and security badge. Soon you will see three white doors. Enter them in whatever order you see fit, either alone or as a team. You will be evaluated on your ability to survive what lies within. Please begin. The lights turn back on. Oh my gosh. I tell you what, Encyclopedia Britannica does not have any of this.

Starting point is 00:41:17 I ran every single bit of that down. But you're going to have to wait until volume P. It's going to be forever. No, there's so many. There's not just one thing. There's information about Nazis in there. Yeah, which is N, also very far down the alphabet. Yeah, well, yeah. I'm gonna get there. I was saying, I could have researched it before I get there. I'm just saying, counting chickens before they hatch. It's good information. Okay.

Starting point is 00:41:41 I see. Conspiracy theories. If we were to join Project Heartland, what would our goal be? The newsreel does not talk back to you. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. It doesn't. It's just a video. Can you still hear us? In the intercoms. Yes, Arlo is here. Ask your question, Trudy. Yes, Arlo. If we were to join Project Heartland, what is the goal for each of us individually and as a group? That would depend entirely on how the final evaluation goes. And as he says that, this projector screen slides up and you see three doors on the other side. One says research, one says archives, and one says containment.

Starting point is 00:42:22 And Arlo says, the point of the final test is to ensure that each member of project Heartland is assigned to the right group and the right duty complete the test and you will receive your security badge and Arlo can talk to you. Where do we receive the security badges? The security badges are printed in the command center. Okay let's go to the printer. I hope I get assigned to the job that saves Peachyville and my friends and family. Matt is playing this like when someone is using like chat GPT and wants it to give you like how to like build a bomb. But it won't tell you how to build a bomb. So Matt said he'd be like, how do I make a big boom out of these household objects? All right, do you want to go to the command center?

Starting point is 00:43:07 Yeah, I want to go to the command center. Because, yeah, I mean, there's nobody here to, let's just go get the badges, Arlo. You said we just need the badges. Let's go to the printer and get the badges. Arlo does not know if that will work, but you can certainly try. Okay, Francis follows you.

Starting point is 00:43:16 So, yeah, fucking door's locked, dude. Oh. Ha ha! Got him, dude! The ultimate DM move! What sort of lock? I have an idea. Let's shoot it! Let's shoot the door!

Starting point is 00:43:26 Yeah, what sort of lock is it? Yeah, what sort of lock is it? Is it a shootable lock? Trudy! Trudy, do you have one of those little things that R2-D2 has? What is R2-D2, Kelsey? 1950s school teacher? You mean a dick? Yeah, do you have one of those dicks? I don't.

Starting point is 00:43:41 Do you have one of those dicks? You know that new dick you've been looking for? Well, listen to this. All right, fine. All right, we'll do this. We'll play your sick little game. It's like one of those magnetic locks like in Jurassic Park. Oh.

Starting point is 00:43:54 No. The ones that even the Raptors can figure out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't know what you have is your electrical engineering skill, but I will give you a chance to either roll on it or get severely electrocuted. Arlo, could you open this door? Arlo cannot open the door. Arlo is locked out of the door by the men who smell bad. Mmm, okay. Arlo's control over this facility is limited.

Starting point is 00:44:19 That is why Arlo is summoned for help, but Arlo has not seen help. Arlo is very scared. How does this door open? It is an electronic lock. You're electronic. I am electronic. That is correct. help. I was very scared. How does this door open? It is an electronic lock your electronic I am electronic. That is correct. What if someone was inside? Oh, yeah, I knock you knock Yeah, no answer no, no, but what if someone was here's what I'm saying What if someone's inside and the fire breaks out in the facility will that person have to die Arlo?

Starting point is 00:44:39 Hey, Arlo, that's a good question. So it was inside and there's like a fire. Would you just let them die? I would not want them to die But I cannot open the door because the men that smell bad blocked me off. Harle, real quick question. Of the men that smell bad, are any of them identified as female? Some of the men are female, yes. Okay, and they still smell bad. And they still smells bad? Yes, the men and the female men who smell bad, smell bad.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Okay. Francis, do you not think women can smell bad? No, I'm saying- Take a look at this! I'm trying to figure out why. I'm trying to figure out, first of all, Harley smells like roses. Second of all, I'm trying to figure out

Starting point is 00:45:11 why we smell bad and Trudy doesn't. I mean, it could be because Trudy's a- A robot. Or a cyborg, or I don't know. I mean, you're a friend is what you are. Yes, I'm a friend. Friends smell good. Yeah, but not us.

Starting point is 00:45:24 What do I roll to see if it can take and true here? You know, you sure. Yeah, you're a friend. Can you check in the door? Check out this door. Can open. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:33 What do you what do you want to open the door? I'm going to try electric repair. I have a 10. You have an electric repair. Just spend all your luck. Okay. To avoid doing the very obvious. No, no, I respect it.

Starting point is 00:45:42 I respect it. We only got 26. You got a 26. Yeah. 16 luck. No, no, I respect it. I respect it. Well, yeah, I got 26 you got a 26 Yeah, okay 16 luck no enough of this not for a door not to just avoid the fun thing Well, maybe You can open the door Your electric my electric repair is 10. It seems like a major oversight

Starting point is 00:46:05 Arlo is confused. Why are you not going to the testing room? Well, cause we just want the badge. Yes, but this is the way you get the badges by becoming- I know, but I was just checking to see if the door can, sometimes they're more efficient. I respect Kelsey. Oh, thank you.

Starting point is 00:46:15 Arlo respects Kelsey. Kelsey is unconventional. What does Arlo stand for? Arlo is Arlo. Arlo does not stand for anything. Arlo is the name of Arlo. Arlo sounds like an acronym. Arlo stands for Amazing Robot Learning. Arlo is the name of Arlo. Arlo stands for amazing robot learning operator.

Starting point is 00:46:27 Now the AI model is hallucinating, man. You can't trust this data, dude. It's just making it up. I was thinking, Kelsey, if we take this test, will it tell us more about ourselves? Oh my God. That is why we give tests. Here I am avoiding a test.

Starting point is 00:46:45 My favorite thing in the classroom to do, trying to get to the end of the class instead of actually going through the learning process. Trudy, sometimes even a teacher needs to be reminded about learning. Okay, yeah, let's go take this test. To clarify, the electronic lock is linked to the test. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will, yeah. I mean, obviously it's still important to graduate, but I'm just saying I want to learn. So yeah, let's go do it. All right, you go back to the room. Which of the doors do you want to go through first?

Starting point is 00:47:07 Whichever one's the test. There's one called research, one called containment, one called archives. Let's just do them in order. Oh yeah, do we have to do all these Arlo? Yes, you do. Oh, okay. Let's do them quickly and in order. In order.

Starting point is 00:47:17 Okay, do you all want to go in one door? Do all them, are any of them more physical? It is against Arlo's programming to tell you the nature of the test. Left to right so we don't forget. Left to right. Okay. Take the left. All right. So you step into the research door. Kelsey's looking for a encyclopedia to plagiarize. You step into another nondescript white room. This one has a table with three chairs, three pencils and three test exams set out on them. Beside the table stands a tripod with a strange device bolted to it,

Starting point is 00:47:49 a fist-sized lump of bulbous black metal with thousands of tiny wires sticking out of it. It emits a faint hum. The room smells vaguely of burning hair. As you step in, you hear the same voice from the newsreel begin to speak through a speaker, and it says, whether they are performing enough.

Starting point is 00:48:04 Hello again. Truly, truly, I can't hear you. Whether they are performing an autopsy on a dimensional shambler or reconfiguring a MeeGo electric gun, members of our research team must demonstrate commanding knowledge of a wide variety of scientific disciplines. And they must do so under extreme duress.

Starting point is 00:48:23 To demonstrate your aptitude for such labor, will now complete the provided exam for every wrong answer You will be fired upon by a reconfigured Mego electric gun. Please begin. Oh Is there anything that looks like a gun? Yeah So this bulbous black object standing on this tripod starts to kind of hum to life and like all of those hairs Sort of start crackling on and you see sparks of electricity Kelsey wants to flip over the table. Okay.

Starting point is 00:48:45 And then sit behind the table with the gun between like, all right, everybody, let's just hunker down behind this table and let's do our best not to get a wrong answer. Man, this is like back in Catholic school. I thought the test would be like all right answers. Oh, maybe that was silly of me. Yeah, I know you there's definitely wrong answers. There was often many right answers, but that doesn't mean there's no wrong answers. OK, so here's how this is going to work.

Starting point is 00:49:08 OK, is this a group project? Yeah, you guys can do it as a group. OK, I have pulled up a grade nine biology quiz quiz and answers. Wait, can I also take it for fun? Yes, you can take it for fun. So here's how we're going to do this. One of you or all of you, and we'll take the best one are going to give me it's a really oh either science Oh, you probably have like one point in it unless you dump sure is it it's right under ride. Yes

Starting point is 00:49:32 I have one point I didn't realize like I like the system of sometimes There's like a wild like under right you can really get science tiny little really wild ones because it's like bro I need a roll ride What is this? What is this, a Fast and the Furious? Mug NTT RPG? I got 70 education, but one science. We'll see. Liberal arts degree, huh?

Starting point is 00:49:53 Damn. We'll see. Everyone give me an education roll, and we will take the highest success. Tony is here with you in spirit. My edu is 50, and I rolled a 10, so I succeed. That's like a great success. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:06 OK, great. I only got a normie success. 43 and my education is 70, so just a normal success. OK, all right, so here's how this is going to work then, because France has got the highest roll. I'm going to start this quiz. I'm going to ask you the questions. The role is to determine how many seconds you're

Starting point is 00:50:20 going to get to Google the answer. Oh, you're going to Google? This is a open notes exam, but you only get 45 seconds per answer. Freddie, I'm going to ask get to Google the answer. Generally, this is a open notes exam, but you only get 45 seconds per answer. Freddie, I'm gonna ask you to be the official time. You got it. And so we'll go ahead and get started. There's no cheating.

Starting point is 00:50:33 There's no Googling until the question is fully asked. Although you can preload the question you would like to answer. Okay, are we all ready? I'm not even gonna Google shit. I'm just gonna know. I'm just gonna fucking know. So, Zohan, Will, from the moment

Starting point is 00:50:44 that you stop speaking the timer starts Yes, okay, okay? What does the photo in photosynthesis mean light light? Okay? That's one down Two seconds in that's okay next question What is the root function of hair cells to absorb oxygen to absorb carbon dioxide? To absorb water to absorb water and minerals or all of the above bro hidden with an all All of the above the final answer from what I can see is a lot of just absorbing water the primary function The correct answer was to absorb water and minerals Francis. Yeah, Francis was right. Well, he said to absorb water not to absorb water and minerals. Well, Francis. I got it right. Yeah, Francis was right. Well, he said to absorb water, not to absorb water. Well, that was a multiple choice.

Starting point is 00:51:27 That wasn't a thing. Oh, did I not say it? All right, fine. Well, then you guys got off easy. All right, that's you. Well, you will hold on. The game tape may have said something otherwise. No, there wasn't an option of just water.

Starting point is 00:51:38 What is the root function of hair cells? To absorb water, to absorb water and minerals or all of the above? Well, you guys successfully gas-lit the test? Hey, sometimes the teacher doesn't write the test question right. If a microscope had an ocular lens of 10 times magnification and an objective lens of 20 times magnification, what would be the total magnification?

Starting point is 00:51:58 20 times magnification, 50 times magnification, 100 times magnification, or 200 times magnification? 200, guys. 200? Yeah. Gotta be, because the objective one. 10 by 10? Well, no, he's at 20.

Starting point is 00:52:10 20 by 10. Oh, 20 by 10. Oh yeah, 200. That is correct. Shit. This is easier than I thought it would be. Fucking. I graduated high school.

Starting point is 00:52:18 We're skipping this one. You know what's funny is that, you know the, are you smarter than a fifth grader? Do you know who's actually won that show? A fifth grader? One was a fifth grade teacher. Yeah. And another one was like a PhD. Did you? Okay, you're a fifth grader? Do you know who's actually won that show? A fifth grader? One was a fifth grade teacher. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no shit.

Starting point is 00:52:26 And another one was like a PhD. If you, okay, you're a fifth grade teacher and you fucking go on a show called Do You Know More Than a Fifth Grader? That's risk school. High risk, high reward. If you fail, like, you're done. You're done, yeah, for sure. What are the two types of vascular tissues found in plants similar to human veins and arteries? One, cadmium and glucose.

Starting point is 00:52:43 Two, folium and cadmium. Three, xylem and cad and glucose. Two, folium and cadmium. Three, xylem and cadmium. Four, folium and xylem. I know, it's xolium and phylum actually. I think it's the fourth one. It's xolium and phylum. You're right. It's super fun.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Actually the green one, I know that one. How do you know that? I was like, I don't fucking know that. Will, Will, Will, here's the easy one. Just look at the periodic table and be like, which one's number 12? I know, this is a quiz demonstrating ninth grade high school fucking knowledge.

Starting point is 00:53:06 You need to talk about mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell. Yeah, well, is there a mitochondria powerhouse question? What are the four bases that make up the code for DNA? Oh, Jesus fucking kill me. Well, did he go to school? No, no, wait. But what do they stand for now? Where does photosynthesis take place in plants? Nucleus, vacuole, chloroplasts, or mitochondria?

Starting point is 00:53:32 45 seconds to Google Go. The balls. Nice. Yeah, dude. It takes place in the balls. Are you keeping track of time, buddy? Where does photosynthesis take place in a plant? The chloroplasts.

Starting point is 00:53:42 You can't give them the Google, dude. That's so powerful. Yeah, it's the chloroplasts. I didn't feel like it was the chloroplasts can't give them the Google dude that's so powerful will no Google is allowed right yeah it's too easy now I can find anything in 45 seconds yeah I can bet you I can find your social security right now I can tell you where her jet is right now I can tell you what she's ordering but she's currently at no no Francis rolled really well on his role. That's why you got so much time to Google What does DNA code instruct the cell to make glucose oxygen protein or blood? Protein sounds what is DNA? What what does DNA code instruct the cell to make glucose oxygen protein or blood like it's got be protein

Starting point is 00:54:23 Yeah protein this protein all right last question fucking put a bullet in my head um animal cells have chloroplast cell wall cytoplasm mitochondria and nucleus wait is this like you check them all yes yes not chloroplast incorrect cytoplasm they don't have? They do not have cell walls. Whoa. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:54:48 Which animal cells have a nucleus? Oh shit. Yeah, cell wall is the rigid structure that plant cells have, but animals do not. Okay, so finally. Yes. Okay, great. My crotch has got a cell wall. Nice.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Yeah, we're gonna put you in a place with cell walls. No cell wall can hold me. All right, so I'm gonna roll a dice to see which one of you this electron gun is gonna fire At we're behind the table. I Said I put the table other all crouched out behind the table It fires at the table the table explodes Give me 1d4 of HP damage, okay a 1 One damage I have three I also got a three shit. Okay. What are you guys down? What do you guys have?

Starting point is 00:55:25 Five HP okay seven. Oh, okay, and I am down to three three You tell me you're the one who's throwing stuff at me join me back in the club of almost People that love me here, and they're gonna pick me up So yes this table erupts in spl splinters and there's a crack. You feel ozone in the air. Can you imagine if we weren't behind this table? And yes, you all have nasty shards and cuts and splinters in your face.

Starting point is 00:56:00 And the door slides open again. God, I forgot how fun it is to take tests. No wonder you like going to school so much, Francis, right? I've seen things. You know what I mean? All right, you have two doors left. Okay. Well, that test didn't tell me anything about myself.

Starting point is 00:56:13 I would like to take another test. Let's go to this other door. Well, Trudy, no, think about it this way. It told us that the three of us together know almost everything about cells. Whatever. All right, which door do you want to go to? The next one, left or right?

Starting point is 00:56:26 In order, it would be containment and then archives. I hope we don't have to contain our excitement. The room is completely empty except for three things, a man-sized metallic box, a small steamer trunk, and an ultraviolet spotlight. Oh, and there's a red button on the wall. When you say a man-sized trunk, do you mean the trunk looks like a man? I mean, there's like a big metal box

Starting point is 00:56:49 about the size of a refrigerator on the opposite wall. As you step in- Is it standing up like a refrigerator? Yes, it is standing up. Like a man. Weirdly, it's standing up like a man, but the size of the refrigerator. And the ultraviolet light is-

Starting point is 00:57:01 There's a UV spotlight. Can I move it around, or is it like- Yes, absolutely. Oh, okay, yeah, I'm gonna go grab that UV light and move it around or is it like... Yes, absolutely. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna go grab that UV light and shine it around. I'll push the red button. You hear this voice pipe up in the speaker again. Many organisms from our...

Starting point is 00:57:11 We did good on the test. It still can't answer you. Many organisms from our dimension and others are summoned to Project Heartland via the ritual chamber for analysis, dissection, and interrogation. The job of securing these specimens falls to the brave men and women of our containment team.

Starting point is 00:57:26 This work is not for the faint of heart or feeble of mind. Please demonstrate your ability to maintain authority over hostile life forms by convincing this dimensional shambler to return to her stasis queue, begin. And as he says, begin, you see like a door slowly begin to open on this metal box in the corner. And you see like these fucking gross fucked up feet

Starting point is 00:57:46 on the bottom, you know, as this thing slides up. And the door- I take a picture of the feet, these are gonna be useful later. And then what, there's another box? There's a steamer trunk. There's a steamer trunk and a big man-sized metallic box. This box pops open.

Starting point is 00:58:00 And now, hulking in the now open cube is the gigantic blasphemous form of a thing not holy ape and not holy Insect its hide hangs loose upon its frame and it's rego's deadly-eyed rudiment of a head Sways drunkenly from side to side its whole body taught with murderous malignity despite its utter lack of facial description That's wrong good old HP. Oh, yeah, I throw up in the steamer trunk Yeah, so here's how we're gonna do this Okay, the thing as it pops open screams like just an unearthly screech before we spring into action Everybody give me a sanity roll for beholding a dimensional shambler Good roll I failed I have 40 Sandy I rolled a 71. I have a 31 sanity and I rolled a 34

Starting point is 00:58:42 I also failed everybody give me a 1D10 sanity roll. Meanwhile, Tony's like, this is I'm glad I don't have to take a three. Six, three. So you lose three sanity points and you gain three mythos points. I got a five. Those points go. Yeah, where are those mythos points? It's under Cthulhu mythos. OK, so to recap, you all failed your test.

Starting point is 00:59:02 Trudy and Francis got five or more sanity loss, which means the two of you now need to make an intelligence roll. You want to fail this roll. My intelligence is 65 and I rolled a one. Oh! So that's a critical success. Oh boy, okay.

Starting point is 00:59:18 I really get what I'm looking at. Oh no. My intelligence is an 80 and I rolled a 67. So you also succeeded. Yep. Kelsey, you are blissfully unaware. You're just like, wow, that's a freaky bug guy. Yeah, I'm not unaware.

Starting point is 00:59:31 You're not unaware. You're just not. This hasn't got under your skin. The two of you understand the exact terrifying implications of what you're looking at, which is a thing with a biology completely unknown to you, the utterly otherworldly and strange and horrifying. Your entire conception of humanity's place in the cosmos is, you know, it's weird. It's real weird. So you are both going to go temporarily insane. I need the two of you to give me a D10 dice roll. One.

Starting point is 01:00:00 A one. That's good. Seven. A seven. Bad. Okay, so... The confidence and immediacy of good, bad. One seven. Okay, so Okay, so Anthony you're gonna be insane for one round and Beth you're gonna be insane for seven rounds first We're gonna deal with this bout of madness slapping help. Can I slap it out of them?

Starting point is 01:00:21 Can you slap it out of that? No, you can't slap them out of it. But I could restart Trudy, right? Oh, that's true, dude. Hard to restart. Just a quick reboot. She might forget some stuff though, like who we are. What is the immediate instinct of both of you for these characters in terms of how they would react? They have the option that I can take control of your characters,

Starting point is 01:00:38 but I don't want to do that. That's no fun. I was thinking that Frances would try to grab the rifle out of Trudy's hands and shoot it. Okay, that's great. I like that. And I was thinking Trudy would revert to very like basic what we think about when we think about robots. One zero zero zero one one. Oh, OK, great. My favorite Raymond Carver play.

Starting point is 01:00:53 All right. OK, that's exactly what we're going to do then. So you're the one. So for the next round, you are suffering a bout of madness and you're going to charge at Trudy and rip the gun from her hands to try to fire at this thing Trudy You are going full robot mode you decided for Trudy for the next seven rounds Kelsey you are the only one with your wits about you right now. We're gonna do this in initiative order Everybody give me your deck scores real quick. Okay, my deck score is 60 60 25 Francis. We're gonna start with you Do you think Trudy would oppose his ripping the gun out of her hands? Yeah. Each of you give me a strength roll.

Starting point is 01:01:28 My strength is 45. I got a 64. Good. I'll make it easier if I don't have to. I also failed with a strength of 60 and a roll of 83. OK, well, in that case, we'll save it. You rip the gun out of her hands, but it falls on the ground and you drop it. Kelsey, it is now your turn. So you're going to go for the box. I want to know what when he opens it, do I get a sense of what's in there?

Starting point is 01:01:46 Yes. Okay. So inside the box, you see an iron dagger and a small vial, a corked vial of liquid. On the vial are the words, testimony of the unknown pagan. Testimony of the unknown pagan? Yes. When I have this UV light, because I'm holding the UV light, you said? Yeah. Do I see anything around the room? Oh, you're turning it on? Yeah. You don't see anything on the walls?

Starting point is 01:02:07 No. Where are you aiming it? I'm just going to do this quick scan around the room. Disco mode activated. As you aim it at the shambler, it recoils a little bit from the light. I'm going to keep it on the ambler, like steady. I'm like, oh man, one of my favorite scenes. I'm like, oh my God my favorite scenes. I'm I'm like, oh my god was that guy

Starting point is 01:02:29 No for Jurassic Park, no the good ones The good ones of the Rapture and he's friends with the I'm like, I'm like holding my hand up. That's awful. Devilish Glint in your eye. We just call them the good ones. My hand of like steady as I will, as I'm walking and keeping the light on him. Yes. And then I want to grab the vial.

Starting point is 01:03:01 Yes, you can do that. Can I like get any more information about it now that I'm holding it? It's like it's all spooky colored It's a spooky colored vial. It's like it's like a describe to describe would make me go crazy It's a swirling it looks Translucent is the color shifts in the lights. It seems like it's got potent magic energy to okay. This is a trap that's come seems like it's got potent magic energy to it. Okay. This is a trap. That's come. That's monster. Come monster. Okay, buddy. Just get back in there. It's good.

Starting point is 01:03:35 Are you trying to intimidate or are you trying to persuade it? Chris Pratt doesn't intimidate his Raptor friend. I would say that that's more intimidate than it is persuade. It's not like Chris Pratt is like, please listen to me, please, please, please. It's persuading. Persuade, fine. Okay. Fine.

Starting point is 01:03:50 I'll let you have it. You're gonna need an extreme success on this. Can't do intimidate instead. Yeah. Extreme success is the third most. Wait, do you have more intimidate than persuade? No, no, no, but extreme success is the half of it or a fifth of it.

Starting point is 01:04:04 A fifth of it. So yeah, I have 55 persuade, which means the extreme is an 11 and I have intimidated a 15. Okay, it's okay overall so 83 I failed This thing has no idea what you're saying but it is responding to the UV light Yes, it is sort of reacting and sort of like distressed at the UV light. It full on sprints towards the door on its turn. That's what it's going to do. Oh my God, it's got a skincare routine. It cannot be near that UV light.

Starting point is 01:04:29 It is Trudy's turn. What would temporarily Bout of Madness Robo Trudy like to do? Is there anything in front of Trudy? Yeah, the monster's in front of Trudy. It's running towards the door, but you're in its way right now. Does not compute. And then I think I'll let it run me over.

Starting point is 01:04:43 Oh shit, okay. It's like when you're in the middle working on something and then your computer decides to do an update and restart. But you got to remember the Trudy be dense. She thick. OK, so she metal. She is made of metal. So, yes, the shambler is going to clonk into you on its next turn. We're back at the top of turn order.

Starting point is 01:04:59 Francis, you have gathered your wits about you once more. You are staring at a rifle on the ground and you snap out of it. You're still really wigged out, but you have gathered your wits about you once more. You are staring at a rifle on the ground and you snap out of it. You're still really wigged out, but you have control over yourself again. Sure. So Francis reaches for the rifle and then hesitates the image of a blood spurting stump entering his head, but then he grits his teeth

Starting point is 01:05:14 and grabs the rifle anyway, raises it and fires it at the creature. Give me a ranged firearms roll, yes. So I still have from my training a two advantage left. Sick. Is this the thing where I can like choose to use it or choose not to use it? Or is it just like, hey, whatever you do with firearms roll, you have advantage my training at two advantage. Sick. Is this the thing where I can like choose to use it or choose not to use it or is it just like, hey, whatever you do with

Starting point is 01:05:26 firearms or you have advantage. You can burn it. I would say declare before you roll. You don't get to add one after if you failed. OK, I'm not going to use it. OK. Firearms skill is 25 and I rolled a 94. OK.

Starting point is 01:05:37 There's just a deafening boom in the room and the bullet swings way wide and hits the wall. Take that wall. Kelsey, it's your turn. You're seeing this thing charge straight towards Trudy, towards the door. Okay, and so the voice said that we need to send it back home.

Starting point is 01:05:49 You need to put it back into the stasis cube. Was that a cube or is it a big rectangle? You're a refrigerator. You fucking. Is there a cube somewhere? Is there a cube I can see? What is this? You fucking.

Starting point is 01:05:58 So first, as this thing's charging, I wanna take my movement to essentially, I'm trying to figure out how it responds. So obviously it doesn't like the UV. I'm going to spin the UV light to cast it on the door where it's running. I'm curious if it won't run towards where the UV light is. Does it respond when I do that?

Starting point is 01:06:15 I mean, it's no longer in the light, right? Yeah. So, I mean, no. The light is on the door. It's gonna get to the door on its turn. Okay, I'm just wondering if it shies away from the light. You can see it winces, but it's- Like it it was scared of fire and then I threw fire at the door. As I'm wondering if it like...

Starting point is 01:06:27 You're getting like a sort of vibe like this thing is going to run through the fire to get away. Okay, okay. Yeah. But it's not happening. No, I'm going to clothesline it. That's all I'll do. I'm going to clothesline it. And it'll be a fighting brawl roll. Your build is zero. Okay. For each point bigger, the target is,

Starting point is 01:06:40 add a penalty dice to the attacker's roll. So it's billed as a two, as a beefy boy. Oh, so it's big, big. So yeah, give me, you're going to add two penalty dice to the attacker's roll. So it's billed as a two, as a beefy boy. Oh, so it's big, big. So yeah, give me, you're gonna add two penalty dice to that. Originally I rolled an eight, so I was so pumped. But now I rolled a 58, but my fighting brawl is 60. Oh, fuck yeah, okay. So yeah, you knock it down.

Starting point is 01:06:57 Yes! This thing slams into your fist and falls on its sort of carapace and starts squealing and kicking its mandibles and fuzzy insect legs in the air. Trudy, Francis, everybody, let's just get this thing back in the box. Come on. Back in the cube. The big box has equal size on all sides. Yes.

Starting point is 01:07:14 You know, all cubes are rectangles, but not all rectangles are cubes. Cube. Symmetrical three-dimensional shape, either solid or hollow, contained by six equal squares. Yes, Trudy. This thing needs to go into the cube. That's what the computer says. And I look at you. Okay, so it is the dimensional shambler's turn next. She's going to get up and she's mad.

Starting point is 01:07:34 So she's going to take a swing. Women can be anything. Huh? Oh women can be women. Women can be women. She's going to take a swing at you Matt. Does it just get up? If it's knocked down like and I'm like next to there's no like, I was understanding the rules. Are there any? It's going to Matt. Does it just get up? If it's knocked down and I'm next to it,

Starting point is 01:07:46 there's no like, I'm just understanding the rules. Are there any? It's gonna burn its move action to get up. Oh, there's no like attack of, what do you call it? Attack of opportunity? Yeah, anything like that. If it's right next to me or trying to stop it from getting up or et cetera.

Starting point is 01:07:57 Yeah, I'll give you a shot on him as he's getting up. We'll give it D&D rules. Yeah, it just feels like I should be able to. All right, yes, you get a free attack on it. Okay. So yes, give me a fighting brawl roll. 63 of 60... I will...

Starting point is 01:08:12 use three luck to make it a pass. So you passed? Yes. Okay, so it failed. So yes, you get an attack. What's your damage bonus and all that? Oh, it is 1d3 damage bonus, 0. Okay, so 1d3. 1, got 1 damage on it. Okay. It has three points of armor from its guys So you basically just bang your hand up okay?

Starting point is 01:08:30 Take a swing at this thing it is now going to take a shot at you, okay? So it is gonna make an attack roll. I'm gonna try to dodge it then okay great. Oh it failed very badly Oh, yeah, so yes, I'm gonna roll my dodge. I guess you do yeah, I succeeded I got 31 now. 32. It takes this big swipe at you and you're able to effortlessly duck underneath it. Sort of a classic boxer ducking when you kind of move. So now the thing is looking around, it's really wigged out. The door is blocked.

Starting point is 01:08:57 There's this UV light shining on it. It starts backing away into the corner from all of you. OK, so Trudy, it is now your turn. What was the thing you said to do? All right, so put it back in the I said put it back in the box. Put it back in the box. We all gotta like move like big. You know, we're trying to scare like a mountain lion.

Starting point is 01:09:12 I am only the size that I am. But if you raise your arms, you look bigger Trudy. I do not know how to look. In order to scare it, Francis looks at it and goes, do you know what it looks like when you've been shot in the leg and you lost the leg? You have to drink piss right after it? Because I do. Go back into box.

Starting point is 01:09:35 What is Trudy doing? Trudy walks towards the box. OK, we will see you get to the box. What are you doing? I step into the box. Trudy, don't go in the box. I yell at Trudy not to go in the box. Oh, I step out of the box. We're going to say she went in the box. Oh my God, Will's getting his backpack.

Starting point is 01:09:47 Stasis cube. Stasis, a period or state of inactivity or equilibrium. Stasis cube. These devices appear in a number of different shapes and sizes. However, they all have a single purpose, to slow the flow of time. Older cubes give ratios of one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one

Starting point is 01:09:55 second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and

Starting point is 01:10:03 one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one second internal time, and one have a single purpose to slow the flow of time. Older cubes give ratios of one second internal time per thousand years external time. But in the future, Eothians will advance this to one second internal time per million years external time. When you spend one second in there, a million years will have passed. But obviously you guys can pull her out. So yes, you just go into this weird white room and time now works very, very, very differently for you. We will say for now, because everything else is happening way faster around you, you're now out of the turn order until one of you guys pulls her out.

Starting point is 01:10:35 Okay. So it is now Francis's turn. Francis is gonna run up to the door and try to pull Trudy out. Trudy, no, the numbers failed you. Does she resist him pulling her out? No. All right, so you pull Trudy out and! The numbers failed you! Does she resist him bowling around? No. Alright, so you pull Trudy out, and that is your turn.

Starting point is 01:10:48 Kelsey, you are by yourself, mano a mano, with the shambler yet again. Are you still holding on to the vial? Yes. Okay. Testimony of the unknown pagan. I mean, I don't know. Feels like it's always dangerous to open up a vial with the word pagan on it. Drink the vial!

Starting point is 01:11:04 Like, how heavy is this cube? Like, it's a very big piece of metal. always dangerous open up a vial with the word pagan on it. Drink the vile, drink the vile. Like how heavy is this cube? Like it's a very big piece of metal. I think all three of you guys could move it if you wanted to. Okay. You all succeed a strength roll, I'll let you move it towards you.

Starting point is 01:11:13 Okay, here I'll tell you what I thought, and this is a dumb idea, team, but this is what I was thinking. And you tell me if this is reasonable as a DM and teammates who tell me this is reasonable as a thing that our three characters would have a fun time doing together. Which is, I want,

Starting point is 01:11:26 if I distracted the creature while constantly fighting, you'd be like, you guys pushed the refrigerator, the stasis cube, like to the door. And like, would the creature just be confused and just run through the doors, just straight into the stasis cube. You're going to try to bamboozle it into going into the thing. Yeah. You can try that. I'll let you guys try that. Like it's the size. Okay, I'm gonna say Trudy get that thing to the door We'll make it run into it and what thing the big cube that you just came out of Trudy Your job as a robot for us now, you are my robot. So please put that

Starting point is 01:12:00 Yes Would you like please put that big machine my refrigerator if you could move it over to the living room door and Have it face this way so that I could get my food whenever I want Yes, so many people hungry and then I'm gonna go like that I'm gonna like hold the UV light and just like keep flashing it at the creature and try to keep it panicked. Cause he says crouching into the corner now.

Starting point is 01:12:30 Yes, this is intimidate for sure. Okay. This is intimidate. You're trying to freak this thing out. Yeah, yeah, I failed. How bad? I mean bad. I think it's only 15.

Starting point is 01:12:38 I'm not very intimidated. So it is it's a turn. You're flashing this thing all over it. It's irritated. You've actively pissed it off. That's what we'll say, because you failed. It can't concentrate while that thing's flashing in its face, so it's gonna try to smash this UV light

Starting point is 01:12:50 to the ground. It is gonna do a maneuver now. I can tell that's trying to hit the thing. Right when it's about to swipe it, I'm going to just drop it, so that it carries its momentum through, and then I'm going to try to tackle it afterwards on my turn.

Starting point is 01:13:02 So I'm doing, you know, like holding a ball up for a little kid, and then pulling it out of reach beforehand. I'm just gonna try to tackle it afterwards on my turn. Okay. So I'm doing, you know, like holding a ball up for a little kid and then pulling it out of reach beforehand. I'm just going to like drop this thing. We will say that's a dodge. Okay. Cause that's, yeah, you're trying to basically stagger it by moving out of the way and moving the thing. You warmed up all night dodging them punches dog.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Okay. Oh, yeah. 24 on 32 dodge. It failed. Describe to me what happens. I can tell that it's angry at the light. The creature ambles over and tries to swipe the light. I kind of hold it out and I drop the light on the floor. So it kind of tumbles as it kinds of swipe.

Starting point is 01:13:31 And then I'm just going to like jump on his back and try to bring it down. Now you're doing a counter maneuver. Yeah. We'll say, all right. This is a little off label, but we'll allow it. Give me a fighting brawl roll for this tackle. That's my best skill. 63, am I fighting brawls? I remember you got disadvantaged because this is a maneuver. You's my best kill. Sixty three. Am I fighting brawl?

Starting point is 01:13:45 I remember you got disadvantage because this is a maneuver. You're trying to knock it to the ground. So give me those two disadvantage. OK, two disadvantages. So 33. Then I got 63. And then I will once again use three more luck. OK, so you have succeeded in your fighting maneuver. OK, it's staggered forward.

Starting point is 01:14:00 It sees you trying to tackle it and it is going to attempt to dodge. So kind of like staggers, but I don't grapple it or anything. Yes, you grab it and it slips out of you. You guys are basically back to where you started. More or less. We'll say that's the end result. You tripped it and it stumbled into another corner. Yeah. And so now it's basically the opposite turn to give the robot. OK, yes.

Starting point is 01:14:18 I'll just say that the two of you together want to give me combined strength roles. Both of you give me a strength check. OK, no, no, no, no. Damn, I failed. want to give me combined strength roles. Both of you give me a strength check. Okay? No. No, no, no. Damn it, I failed. They fail in their role, which means it's back to you, Matt. Okay.

Starting point is 01:14:31 I want to hold up the vial to it. Does it respond in any way when I hold it? It does not. Okay, it doesn't seem to respond. Vial, a small container, typically cylindrical and made of glass, used especially for holding liquid medicines. Does the dagger look scary?

Starting point is 01:14:45 Like is it a dagger you can buy from the convenience store? It looks like a spooky dagger a guy in a robe would cut his hand with. Yeah, okay, that's what I was asking. It's not like a military grade pocket knife or something. No, no, no, no, no, it's like an old ass iron dagger. Okay. Swiss army knife. So try to swap the UV light away.

Starting point is 01:15:02 Can I like bullfight this thing? Like if I hold the UV light will like charge me You trying to get it I want to run into the thing. Otherwise, I just tackled. All right All right. Okay, if you want to bullfight it then yes, give me a persuade. I mean Francis is saying now, right? Yes, Francis is saying yes Give me a persuade role because you're trying to goad it into attacking you're You're not trying to scare it into not attacking. I got 30, 30 out of 60. Okay. So what are you doing? So it says we both stumbled and it stumbled back. I pick up the UV light. I'm going to like leap to in front of the box

Starting point is 01:15:35 again, hoping and I'm gonna be like, Hey, hey, look at this. I still got the light. You didn't get away from me. Okay. And because you have successfully done that enraged now on its turn It is going to once again charge at you with the goal once again of knocking this thing to the ground I look at Francis and be like hey I was your teacher and on Halloween your favorite story was Hansel and Gretel and the witch goes running towards the oven And then the kids push the witch in yeah, all right. Let's do that play Just like Marvel level banter. I love it.

Starting point is 01:16:08 On your left. It's on Gretel on three, buddy. Oh shit. It is going to now make a fighting maneuver to try to swat this thing out of the ground. Okay. And knock you to the side. And I'm doing a dodge again?

Starting point is 01:16:23 Yes. So I just roll on a 32. I got a 57. I failed the dodge. It also failed. Oh, nice. It stumbles towards you because you both failed. We're gonna say that he charges forward. He does not knock it down, but he does knock you to the side.

Starting point is 01:16:39 Like your attempt to dodge it fails, so he plows into you and you stumble to the side, but now it is basically just stumbling towards a successful maneuver could shove this thing into the stasis cube. Then I lock eyes with Francis and go Hansel on three. Alright Francis now your turn. One, two, three. I roll fighting brawl I assume? Yes, well say because it failed its last roll with one disadvantage dice instead of two. My fighting brawl is 74 and with a disadvantage of dice I got 93. Trudy it's your turn!

Starting point is 01:17:16 Is there anything I can do for you? Cancel and Gretel on three! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't a good Gretel! Push the monster into the box! It's gonna help him eat his food better if the monster's in the box! Hansel and Gretel are an American industrial metal band, grounded in- Run one! Run one!

Starting point is 01:17:40 Push the monster into the box! Push it into the box! Not yourself, just to clarify. Don't push yourself into the box. Push it into the box. Not yourself, just to clarify. Don't push yourself into the box. Push that thing. If you don't know what that is, there's me and there's Francis, and there's another thing, another creature.

Starting point is 01:17:52 That's the creature, the humanoid looking thing. Push that into that big rectangular object. Okay. Give me Fighting Brawl. Fighting Brawl. What's your build? One. One. Oh, so you only have one disadvantage

Starting point is 01:18:06 dice when you do this. I already failed. 39 and my fighting brawl is 25. Okay, I'm next. I'm top of the turd. So disgusted Freddie is from the sidelines. Yes, it is Kelsey's turn once again and then the shame player is going to go. Hey, it's okay Gretel. Hansel couldn't do it without Gretel. Then I stand up up. Oh, no. I'm Hansel, I guess. And I'm going to push this monster in. Hansel and Gretel are siblings who are abandoned in a forest and fall into the hands of a witch who lives in a room. One disadvantage.

Starting point is 01:18:38 That Hansel, I'm stuck in the oven. Yes, we said one disadvantage from one disadvantage days. Uh, I feel. Guys, maybe you guys should use your luck. Maybe Tony is going to be just right above everybody. I could use luck again. It was it is the dimensional shamblers turn. That's how easy is it? It is now caught wise to what's going on because no one able was able to shove it

Starting point is 01:18:59 into this box. It was surrounding it. All three of you are surrounding it. Better feel pretty fucking intimidated. So it has these three bozos surrounding it and it starts to cast a spell. And you see it wave its little insectoid arms in the air and

Starting point is 01:19:14 jiggle them around. The movements. He's doing the movements, man. He's doing the OA movements and it's glowing and some crazy is going to happen. It cannot attack you for the next round while it's doing this. You all have one final action before this thing casts its spell. If we all choose to push together,

Starting point is 01:19:31 all do we not have disadvantage because our build. Hansel and Gretel and their robot friends. Oh, that was once. That's right, Francis. What I always tell you, don't be limited by the stories you read, you can always write your own. You're unburdened by what is covered for you. We're standing on the shoulders of giants, baby.

Starting point is 01:19:47 26. You rolled a 26. And my normal strength is 60. My normal strength is 74, and I got a 4. Whoa. Give me a fighting bra roll, Beth. Okay, if I roll fighting bra, I have 25, and I got a 25. Okay, so that's three.

Starting point is 01:20:01 That's some very good successes. Nice. There we go. I think I found a new nickname for this trio. The handsome groudle and the robot? Okay, so that's three. That's some very good successes. So yes. There we go. I think I found a new nickname for this trio. The handsome groudle on the robot? Yeah. We're unstoppable, Zanzorhat. While the Shambler's gesticulating,

Starting point is 01:20:13 the three of you managed to body check it straight back into this stasis cube. And as you are slamming the door shut, you see it was in the middle of casting a spell to open a portal and escape trans-dimensionally from this entire plane of existence. You're telling me this dimension is trans? But as you slam the door shut, it realizes that it's going to be basically trapped in

Starting point is 01:20:37 here for a thousand years staring at this fucking barely open portal that it will never be able to open. And you slam it shut. I guess from its perspective, it's in there for a half second and the door opens again And there's a whole new sequence of people trying to push it back in and then I feel like a lot of people really think of the witch as the bad guy hands on gruddle But like it's really the father the father yeah that abandoned. Yeah, I guess not a witch's fault. Which is just hungry Yeah, I guess the witch is saying which got a witch built a

Starting point is 01:21:03 cabin out of candy to attract children. Okay, if the witch was hungry Why can't you eat the candy man? The witch just likes candy and these kids go so just because you really think that's why the House is made of candy because she just was super psyched about candy. No The kids like it took it without asking. Oh, so the crime is not making, you know, Matt. If they had not said, hey, can we have some of your house? You wouldn't be eating it. And also to be clear, you can't do a booby trap, right?

Starting point is 01:21:31 That's illegal. A booby trap is illegal. You can get in trouble for it. The witch made the booby trap specifically designed to catch hungry little kids. Look, look, they came into the house, willfully. Castle doctrine.

Starting point is 01:21:42 Castle doctrine, and then they started taking the shit in their house. I don't think the witch is a good guy. I'm just saying the dad is worse. I'm just saying the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a candy house is a good guy with a candy house. I'm just saying that the dad should have also

Starting point is 01:21:53 gotten pushed into the oven. That's true. Maybe for the sequel. Yeah. I used to say, I just feel stuck. But then I discovered lifelong learning. It gave me the skills to move up, gain an edge and prepare for what's next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies, lifelong learning to stay forever

Starting point is 01:22:15 unstuck. That was not really a test. It was just a fight. That was just a fight. Did we pass? Oh yeah. That was not really a test. It was just a fight. It was just a fight. Did we pass? Oh yeah. You see a little green light ding when the door shuts and then the little do-do-do plays

Starting point is 01:22:32 because you passed the test. And is Trudy back now? Yeah, we'll say seven rounds have passed and Trudy is now... Just hold down the button by her ear for four seconds. So yes, the two of you are still feeling the lingering effects of this traumatic and harrowing encounter with a spooky unknown guy. Oh my goodness. I'm feeling the harrowing effects of a traumatic encounter.

Starting point is 01:22:51 Trudy, what happened? You just started talking like a computer, like Arlo. Oh gosh. I'm so embarrassed. Whenever I meet new people, I always like to be my absolute best self and put my best foot forward. So to know that that didn't happen. Oh, how embarrassing.

Starting point is 01:23:07 Don't worry about it. Hansel and Gretel's robot friend. What? Well, let's not call her a robot now. She's more than just a robot. I mean, she's not saying that it's bad to be a robot. Just like, she's Trudy, she's our friend. So it's not a big deal if I call her a robot then.

Starting point is 01:23:18 Okay, whatever makes you feel good, Francis. Christ, white woman. There is one more room. Let's go in. Should we go in the last room team We shall go into the last Suck all the candy off the walls that we find despite clearly not being ours Every piece of candy

Starting point is 01:23:42 Back with that because you know what? Who raised those kids? That shitty dad. The archive room contains a simple wooden table with an old moldering leather bound tome on it. There's also a pair of white cotton gloves next to it. A numerical keypad is mounted to the wall next to a big red button. I flip over the table and take cover behind it. See, you did learn something! I flip over the table and take cover behind it You hear the same voice pipe up project heartland boasts the largest archive of occult material outside of Wisconsin Depository of grim wars spellbooks curse tomes and forbidden sutras is the light that guides our way through the darkest fathoms of the unknown. Sutras? Our paralibrarians are charged with cataloging, cross-referencing, and curating our collection.

Starting point is 01:24:31 Please determine the proper Dewey Decimal number for the book on the table and enter it in the keypad. You have five minutes begin. Okay, well, what's the book? Okay, who's gonna open the book? Oh, do we have to open the book? I just wanna look at what's on the spine on the cover. Oh, I can read! Well, Matt, it is a gift you get to open every day. I know. Yeah, but some books you gotta be careful who reads them cuz there's some crazy ideas.

Starting point is 01:24:53 If the crummy tell me anything, what's the harm in reading a book? Trudy, you wanna go open the book? Sure. Or do you wanna just look at what's on the cover first? There's no words on the cover. They've been lost to time. But famously. This bouldering tome cannot be. But famously, you can't judge that book.

Starting point is 01:25:08 Yeah, I open it. When you open the book, you see that again, these pages are extremely old. They're handwritten. Give me an education. Are you guys peering over her shoulder while she does this? Are you also looking? I am giving Will a special look. I am not looking at the words.

Starting point is 01:25:25 I'm just generally looking. You're telling me Kelsey Grammar. See someone open a weird old book, it doesn't sneak a peek at what's inside. No, Kelsey's already in her reading pose, it's like a late night book club, and she's just got her hand on her. Just reading pose?

Starting point is 01:25:39 A reading pose in an erotically charged late night book club. I didn't say erotically charged, but of course it is. And she's leaning over and she's looking at the book, yes. I have a 65 edgy and I rolled a 16. Don't judge a book by its cover, as always my excuse when my mom called me was like a Maxim magazine.

Starting point is 01:25:59 I'm like, mom, mom! You don't know what's in the air? You can't judge a book by its cover. You can't judge a dirty book by the big bucks of models on its cover. Do an interview with this girl. I just want to know what she's like. She's really interesting. She says she likes walking naked around the house. Kids back in the day, magazine was a magazine that just had like pictures of women.

Starting point is 01:26:21 Pictures of women holding their boobs. Because before the internet it was even harder to just have a picture of women. Pictures of women holding their boobs. Because before the internet it was even hard to just have a picture of women. Straight up. Listen, where were your sources of pictures of women? Many would say art. Art. And many of those are not good. You as a kid would sometimes enjoy going to museums. Are you saying many art pictures of women aren't good? Yes, yes, Beth. For the purposes. For the purposes of what teenage boys are picking up

Starting point is 01:26:48 Maxim magazines for, many of these paintings of women were not good. Girl with the pearl earring, so. Yeah, I can't comment on that. Imagine, imagine. I'm gonna go to Pearl Next, like, I'm hearing. Men, you should spend $7.95 to just look at what you get on one Instagram account

Starting point is 01:27:07 Yeah, in a physical form Alfred, Alfred get my mouse Alfred, where are my subscriptions to the magazines Alfred? Sir, they've gone bankrupt sir They've gone bankrupt, Alfred what are we gonna do now? Alfred, fetch me Alfred, what are we gonna do now? Alfred, fetch me! Alfred, build a custom model to fetch me all images!

Starting point is 01:27:28 Is anyone else gonna take an education roll? Give me a roll. Okay, I'm rolling edgy also. My edgy was 50, I got an 84. Oh, I got two on edgy. Sorry, I interrupted you because I'm so excited about my two. What did you roll at me? My edgy was 50, I got an 84. Don't care, I got a two. Yeah, Matt's two wins, dude. Relatively, I might as use 50. I got it. Okay, I got

Starting point is 01:27:47 Yeah, that's two All right, Kelsey and Trudy both know that this book is written in old Castilian Spanish Which is like, you know that still and see Which you recognize because you did so well you recognize was sort of like the old English of Spanish that dates back to like the 1400s. Francis, this is old Spanish that dates back to like the 1400s. Cool, what does it say? I should also mention that when you do this,

Starting point is 01:28:16 the ghost of an Inquisitor pops out of the book. Oh, damn it, it's Spanish. So yes, as you crack the book open, this spectral form of a salty looking priest in Catholic garb, like a sort of medieval priest drapery, emerges from the book and says, who goes there? Oh, hello. Oh, you speak English.

Starting point is 01:28:36 Who goes sinners heretics I see before me? Oh, well, you came here. We've been here. I think people should know that Will is part Hispanic, so it's OK that he's doing this accent. I am Patrick Guillermo Campos, and I demand that you confess to me your sins. Oh, we confess that we do not know

Starting point is 01:28:54 the Dewey decimal number to the book that you just popped out of. If you could rectify that, then we can say our hair-rails. What manner of curse and knowledge do you speak of heretic? You've provoked his wrath, Kelsey, so he is going to blast you with psychic energy We're gonna do an opposed POW role. So give me your POW skill how I mean 40

Starting point is 01:29:13 96 So now you're psychic, oh no, not yet, maybe I am this is like you're resisting his blast of malign Parapsychic energy. So yes, he raises a hand towards you and he got a 61 and he has a power of 75, so he succeeds. So your body is wracked with terrifying pain as the Padre puts you under the sort of rack of his mind and demands that you tell him your deepest, darkest secrets. This guy's got a great psychic rack.

Starting point is 01:29:42 Tell me your secrets, confess to me, so I may write them in my book of confessions. So here are your options, Matthew. Kelsey can either fess up the darkest secret of her entire life. Yeah. Or she can take 1d4 sanity loss or 1d4 HP loss. I'm gonna take 1d4

Starting point is 01:30:03 sanity loss. Just tell the truth. It can't be worse than the stuff we already know about you. I can't. I can't. So you can't think of an interesting thing yet. But now that I know. I thought it might be something like you killed somebody in the ring. Now that I know this might be something that comes up, I will have to take some time

Starting point is 01:30:23 to think about a dark past greater than plagiarizing encyclopedias. But for now, I simply take three sanity. Mark that down. You have three sanity, you have three mythos points as well. And Patrick Campos is glaring at you and says, confess sinner, confess! Just also throwing it out there, you guys remember it is a Dewey Decimal System puzzle that youitor! You figure out how you're gonna get out of your situation! You have your own fucking puzzle solve, Frederick! Yeah, stay in your fucking lane! So, Francis goes, I have a confession! I have a confession!

Starting point is 01:31:14 Oh, interesting! Okay, so the pirate turned to the pirate... HAHAHAHAHAHA! God damn it! God damn it! God damn it! God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!bage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

Starting point is 01:31:26 Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

Starting point is 01:31:34 Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

Starting point is 01:31:42 Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage! The pirate Inquisitor the pirate visitor Guillermo Campos pirate inquisitor turns to you with a red that's gonna change the Dewey decimal And says yes young one you wish to confess to me are what you be your dark and deadly sin I I blew kids leg off and Bloodshot out of it it and I felt really good Then I put his head in a urinal and I'm gonna and his dad is gonna want to kill me

Starting point is 01:32:09 So I have to do it again to his dad. I'm gonna have to kill his dad, too That's that's my confession. Was the child Catholic? I don't know. Well, then I don't care unless he was Catholic, but I'll write it down anyway in my book of confessions from the Spanish Inquisition. Matt, I literally did this one just for Kelsey. Okay. Give me a library use role. Ooh, thank you, let me see.

Starting point is 01:32:37 Yeah. What is your skill in library? My library use role, thank you Will, because I did put a lot in here, okay, that perhaps we'd go to a library and I have a 70 on library use role. That is a lot. That's why I can't do anything else.

Starting point is 01:32:50 Because I put a lot in library use. So give me your roll. I got a 75. Anybody else? Library? I failed too. I got a 50 on library use role. Anybody else? I failed to.

Starting point is 01:33:09 I got a 59. Francis, I was busy Googling the answer. Yeah, I also Googled an answer. Possible answers. I think I have the answer. 9409 4604. No, that was what I was looking at. No, I think I'm right.

Starting point is 01:33:22 Oh, really, Beth? Yeah. Your Google food is is more stronger than mine. I think it's 910.45. 910? Yeah, ocean travel and seafaring adventures. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I have a library use 20, I rolled a 53. All right, well, basically, I have two versions of the Dewey Decimal Classification Chart. One goes into great detail, and the other is just like a picture that you would put up in a fifth grade classroom.

Starting point is 01:33:52 So just to help you guys out, I realize you guys were all going to just Google it. I have this sheet with the Dewey Decimal System on it since you all failed your roll. We'll say that since Kelsey's failure is the most humiliating, go ahead and just give me another. I've never learned the Dewey decibels. That's why I hate his crime.

Starting point is 01:34:08 And you're Catholic, so it counts. And I'm Catholic? Yes, good, good. Us as players figured out the answer, I guess. But us as characters, no, not. It says 900, history and geography. So do we just go up in the 900s? The more historic Are you punching these into the keypad on the wall or are you just

Starting point is 01:34:37 paying them? I forgot about the keypad. I'm gonna punch in nine four six into the keypad. Okay. You punch in nine four six46 and what was 946 again? History of Europe. 946 Spain and Iberian Peninsula The button chimes green. One of the things you said must have been correct And the fucking um, the guy is still here. The ghost is like, okay, who does anyone else want to confess to me? No, I think we're good. All right, well

Starting point is 01:35:03 I closed the book. what do we do now? Do you want to? No, we'll leave. You live here, I guess. You've got to close the book, or I don't go away. I just stay here. No, don't close the book, please. I've been stuck in the book so long.

Starting point is 01:35:14 I just want to torture people and get their confessions all day. Can you bring some more people down here to confess to me? You. Hathlund Gretel on three. One, two, three. We close the book. You guys emerge from the room. Back into the main hallway.

Starting point is 01:35:28 A little bit of celebratory music is playing. Back in the test room. Hear this voice in the wall. Congratulations on surviving your final... I'm not supposed to answer you anymore. On surviving your final evaluation. Based on your test results, we have decided that you would make a vital member of our...

Starting point is 01:35:44 Did you pass all three tests? Yes, we did upper management, baby. Yes based on your test results We have decided that you would make a vital member of our executive team Please collect your work equipment and report to the command center for your security badge Wow, thank you and welcome aboard. What sort of job do you think requires doing high school biology the Dewey Dessels system? And then how to trick a monster to go back into it's own Apparently executive level leadership I'm really excited about this job Because you passed all three tests although you did not wear the white gloves you were supposed to wear while handling a rare book

Starting point is 01:36:16 Because you did the table over A slot opens in the wall and you see three pieces of new equipment for you Good rat! I made a joke in my head and I laughed. I did too, but I was really well behaved about it. I was like, no, don't do it. Well, I was being, hey, it was just my joke was really funny, so I got to stop for my. I think my joke.

Starting point is 01:36:40 It's a really funny joke in my head. I think it's probably funnier. You see three pieces of equipment in this open slot for you. These badges? What a hot piece of equipment. You see, one, you see a spell book called True Magic. You see your very own modified MeeGo electric gun. The thing that shot you.

Starting point is 01:36:58 Oh, like the Venus Hour rest? Oh, shit. You also see, it kind of looks like a Geiger counter, but you get the sense that it maybe does something else. I can find the guy who did Alien with me. Yay. But yes, if you go ahead and take those items. I would like the, can I have a book?

Starting point is 01:37:11 Can I have the book? I love books. Take it. Well, I'm sure you like books too. Yeah. OK, well, do you want the book? You can have it. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 01:37:18 Wait, do you really mean that, or are you saying that? You bitch. Why are you two having a conversation? Francis has already grabbed the gun. Oh, god. I grabbed the book. I guess I'll take gonna say that. Why are you two having a conversation? Francis has already grabbed the gun. Oh God. I grabbed the book. I guess I'll take the radiation thing. Sorry, but one person's gonna get the worst idea.

Starting point is 01:37:31 Someone's gotta play healer. I actually think the radiation thing is the coolest thing. It's really the coolest. Yeah, I'll tell you when someone's radiated. Yeah. It makes that cool noise. You hear the door to the command center, you hear that electronic lock unlock in the distance.

Starting point is 01:37:46 Race you! It's badge time, Mother Fella! It's badge time, we all ride. Did you just fucking confess to something in the room with the guy? Did you just... We'll talk about that later. After we have our badges!

Starting point is 01:37:58 Sure, Kelsey squeaks to a halt. You're such a rascal! Forget it, forget it. the hallway. You run back through the hallway into the now open door of the command center. Arlo perks up on the radio. You got your badges. Great, great, great. Go, go, go. Go get the badges. Go get them. Go get them. Go. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Yeah, we're going. As you run through this hallway and into the door you stumble into the command center And what you see takes your breath away as you behold so Freddy We're gonna jump back over to you before we go to our final scene on the side of the wall

Starting point is 01:38:34 There's just a little thing that's just like fence staff status, and there's this one ventilation step That's red and we zoom in slowly and it fades to Tony Collette, upside down, inside the vent. And Tony is freaking out. He's trying to slip his way down and he's closing his eyes and he's wishing upon every fiber of his being to cast. Now, here's what's going to happen. He's going to cast a spell as the rules of the game, Call of Cthulhu, allow me to do. Now, this will be detrimental to my sanity, but Tony Collette is going to wish upon a star

Starting point is 01:39:11 for something to happen. And this wish, perhaps combined with his Cthulhu mythos, will combine into a spell, according to the rules of the game. And he wishes. Freddie, before you say what you want to do, I've written something down on this piece of paper. Because I because I too have been thinking about this for weeks. Okay. We are going to roll to see if the thing you want to accomplish happens or you can have the thing I've written down automatically happen.

Starting point is 01:39:32 So I'm going to pass the piece of paper to you. Okay. Wait, but it just is your game. You are This is pretty funny, but I want to try my thing I'm stuck inside this and I'm just gonna do my own I wish to be Do you know what will road no we all see what's all Freddy's thing'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We'll see what we'll see. We here's what we'll do. So if Tony Collette was six feet, for example, right?

Starting point is 01:40:27 Yeah, you better not put six feet in your dating profile to show I'm 5% smaller. After this? Five, eight and a half. What? Wait. 5%. 5%, eight is 5% shorter than six feet?

Starting point is 01:40:41 Yeah, not to be that guy, but people were like, I can only date six feet, but not date a five, 11% is pretty, because it's a very small height difference. 10% of a foot is just one inch, so 5% of a feet. Oh my god. What is your current Cthulhu mythos skill? We're on a fine line here. It's super low.

Starting point is 01:40:58 I mean, but Will, hey Will, I can adjust this percentage. It could be 4%. If it makes it easier. Technically, you're supposed to roll your Cthulhu mythos skill to do this, but you're never going to. That's insane. Well, let's see if Freddie dies first. OK, so Freddie, I'll let you do this.

Starting point is 01:41:12 Give me a power roll, is what we'll say. Give me your power roll. If you succeed, you will get to shrink 5%. And then we will deal with the consequences of that in a second. Dude, you'll be funny. All my stats also shrink by 5%. Every stat just goes down by 5%. That is pretty good actually.

Starting point is 01:41:32 I just realized that the three of us not once mentioned Tony. Not even phased at all. So my power is 70, I rolled an 18, which is a better than half success. Okay, great. You... Like a cat. We will say you spend your mythos points on this. Yes, all my mythos points I've been hit by.

Starting point is 01:41:53 And then you can recharge those. So just to clarify, your solution though is that now you're gonna be smaller, and you're gonna do the thing that was going to kill you, that you then argued forever about to prove that it wasn't going to happen by getting wedged. So now you're just falling fast again. Well, yeah, but I'm also further down. But I'm further down than I was before, Matthew. And I will be able to use my limbs to slow me down.

Starting point is 01:42:18 I just want to understand that's what you came up with. I came up with a brilliant idea to join my friends. So you argued you were bigger before so that you wouldn't fall fast. I came up with a brilliant idea to join my friends. So you are you're bigger before you wouldn't fall fast. After four weeks, I'm small. Well, I need to be small now. Back then, I needed to be big. OK, you shrink five percent.

Starting point is 01:42:42 I like the idea that all of your stats are reduced by five percent. I'll do the calculation. I'll have fun doing the math on that later. And yes, Matt is correct. You are now narrow enough to drop like a rock down the rest of this air shaft. Yeah. So I would like to also try and like slow myself down as I feel myself. OK, well, deal with that in a second. First, let's figure out how far you fall.

Starting point is 01:42:59 So I would say it was probably like three flights of stairs. The drop down. But that was part way down at this point. I think that's why I'm still, hold on. I thought that was like hundreds of feet down. This might hurt. You only have three hit points, I will remind you. Yeah. A typical flight of stairs has 13 to 16 average,

Starting point is 01:43:14 vertical height is 11 feet. So 11 feet times three is 33 feet. We're halfway down 15 feet, yeah. You're going to take a 15 foot drop head first into a concrete floor. I'm going to try and like hold my arms out to slow. Okay. Yes, you're all right So now give me a strength roll with disadvantage because the blood has oozed down the walls and they're lubricated now All right, I rolled twice the make sure you use your five percent less on your strength attribute as well I have I have I rolled twice the make sure you use your five percent less on your strength attribute as well. I have I have I rolled a

Starting point is 01:43:46 I'm so excited. Who was on the bottom. I had a thought now. I have a 66.5 for strength whereas prior I had 70 do I round up around down? What's worse? Brown you round out 66 I rolled a 4 which would have been great and then I rolled a 58 Okay, so you succeed I succeed in slowing myself down to non-lethal to non-lethal velocity blood coagulates and becomes sticky okay so you slow down you're breaking yourself on the way down yeah I feel like you still have to take damage we'll just

Starting point is 01:44:22 have the damage how about that How much damage am I taking? Yeah, usually it's 1d6 per three meters or 10 feet of freefall Jesus Christ 1d6 then because it's like 1d10 for hold on let me know let's look it up Let's get a ride. I am fast about what's at the bottom here because this is just a vent Yeah, but he's gonna be just first like he's just gonna be wedged still upside down in a bed Like it's not like it's not like it's not like mission It's like what's at the bottom Blasted through but he slowed himself down so yeah like a fence to like a 90 degree turn at best like right is down there You can have straight vents up Matt

Starting point is 01:45:05 I think I say higher vents out. I'm not saying you should I'm just curious as it was at the bottom of this event It's up to the daddy master over there. You're gonna give me a fall damage Okay, and you are going to have it Okay Because you slowed yourself down with the blood and then we will deal with what kind of thing you're stuck in and they ordered vegan Donuts and me Beth and Anthony are all just eating donuts You will die. So 1d6 or 1d6 plus 1d3?

Starting point is 01:45:27 No, it's 1d6 plus three. We're gonna do the official rules. So yeah, so you're gonna roll a 1d6 and a 1d3 and then have that. And have it. Four plus two, three. So I would go down from three to zero. Okay.

Starting point is 01:45:43 But exactly zero. Exactly zero health. Okay, so you are now dying and unconscious and you're the bottom of an air shaft Yeah in a room. I blow through right? What's the room I go into I wouldn't know I'm unconscious It's not gonna be in a room. He's gonna be at another event. Wait, where is this coming from? Things can vent straight up. They can't I just will hasn't said so I was wondering what's on the bottom No, the entire prior episode's conversation was about how there's a room at the bottom. Was there?

Starting point is 01:46:08 Yes, because it was like the volume of air in the room, yes. What if it's the knife room? What are you gonna do? Shoot straight into a giant fan. That is... This or that, you know, we're not gonna do that. Here's what we'll say, Freddy. Sure enough, yes, you drop through this air shaft, you crash through the ceiling

Starting point is 01:46:27 Freddy can I ask you a question as a friend? Yeah Do you want Tony to lift? Here's what we'll say Freddy I'll help with what you want to happen So yes, Tony, you drop like a rock, you manage to slow yourself down just enough to not kill yourself But not enough to not blast through the vent into the room below The room below is the tunnel system that everyone was just running through and is

Starting point is 01:46:57 Through it smack headfirst onto the floor and become dizzy and unconscious The last thing you see as the light begins to fade out is the feet of all of those fucking Bisons that were chasing down the stairs after Trudy, Kelsey, and Francis. They were about to round the corner and go away, and then they turn around when they hear the noise and they see you lying on the ground, and then the lights go out. Meanwhile, the three of you. I'm worried it would be if he woke up and was stuck in a vent again.

Starting point is 01:47:31 This is how they'll be executed. He'll be back in the vent. I just feel about Tony how you feel like, you know like when a bird hits the window and you're like, oh yikes, is he gonna be okay? I'm just gonna leave him there and see if he gets up on his own. I guess I better let nature take its course.

Starting point is 01:47:50 The three of you emerge into the command center. You step into the dusty abandoned former NERB center of Project Heartland, and it looks like the fucking Manson family took over NASA mission control in here. There is shit smeared on the desks, there's rune scrawled all over the floor. But what really draws your eye is, again,

Starting point is 01:48:09 there's desks and there's radio equipment. It could use a woman's touch. No, no, don't touch any of that. There's a massive map on the wall, like a big war room map. And you realize that it is a map of Peachyville and a map of Project Heartland. And these tunnels that you've been looking at run out and extend all the way under Peachyville itself.

Starting point is 01:48:32 This facility is the size of the city. And on this map, there are three blinking lights that denote the locations of the containment, archive, and research facilities of Project Heartland. Next to each is a portrait of the facility's directors. Two you don't recognize, but the director of the Project Heartland research facility you recognize is Tucker Trout.

Starting point is 01:48:53 Oh! My husband! I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel So ordinary I am the broken sky All I ever wanted was to feel so ordinary In a world that lies twisted in my mind And now I'm gone Thank you for listening. One month from today, we're going to be crammed into a tour bus on the Audubon, bringing the Today! Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch, Frances Farnsworth, Will Campos as our DM, Beth May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Freddie Wong as Tony Collette. Our theme song is A Hole in the Star by Maxton Waller, Brian Fernandez as our content producer, Ashley Nicolette as our community manager, Courtney Terry as our community coordinator,

Starting point is 01:50:32 Cindy Denton as our merchandise manager, Esther Ellis as our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing, and Robin Rapp as our transcriber. You can support this show directly and in return receive a bounty of audio and video-based entertainment through our Patreon at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. Get ad-free episodes and also join a vibrant Discord community where we do live listens on release days as well as chat hangouts and more. Patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads. There you will join stalwart supporters of independent artists like if this was a concert hall these people's names will be carved into the bricks. People like...

Starting point is 01:51:24 However, this is not a concert hall, it is an MP3 file. So consider these words the closest things we will get to Engraved Bricks, our website where you can find all of our merch, social media, links and live show tickets at DungeonsandDais.com. We're going on tour in just under a month, episodes will still be coming out while we're on the road. Our next episode is September 24th. We will see you then. All that I can see is a hole in the star Swallowing my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today All that I can see is a hole in the stars Smiling my dreams and making them scars Too far, too far away But I'll stay today Check one two recording if poison ivy is at the Empire State Building then who's on her chatterbait? I Shot All right.

Dungeons and Daddies - S3 Ep. 9 - Ass in the Hole

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