Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 1 - Grandfather Paradox

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

google.com how to type summary for first episode of radio play large font please and thank youThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content. The first episode of our season 4 after show, Safe Space, will drop on our patreon on Tuesday Feb. 17! Safe Space episodes will drop every other Tuesday, on the main show's off weeks.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Nicollette is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddy's season four. Not a BDSM podcast still. Now an AARP podcast. Anthony Birch returns once again to the DM chair. It's not too late to call this off. It just occurred to me.

No, no, no, no. If there was a time to stop doing it, we could stop right now. No, zero body count. It's grandpas and galaxies this season. It is. It's a grand space papera. Four gilfs who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids. And perhaps the entire known universe in the process.

We're back to dads again. And I will kick them off. No, it's different. You will kink things off? I will kink things off. Yes, Beth, I will kink things off. I play. Now, Anthony, I put on the character sheet of name, but in fact, that was hiding my nefarious

intentions. I play Ashley Birch. Really? My God. You're not Siddy Sweeney? Ashley with an E and Birch like the tree. I got to control F some shit, I guess. Go ahead and fix up your notes.

I play Ashley Burch this season. Sydney changes to Ashley. Jesus Christ Almighty. Born in 64, Ashley Birch is the youngest boomer. Wow. Wait, January 1st, 2000, midnight one

December 31st. 1969. The fucking puns you had for your like familial characters don't make sense now. He's just Tim Burch, Todd Birch. Todd Sweeney was something. What are you doing?

Names don't have to be puns. They're just his kids. They're just going through all this effort to make three decent jokes and then decided it was worth it. Just to throw you off the scent. Just to invoke my sister. It's called it. It's called a cover story, Anthony.

I've been reading the spy novels of John La Cove. Tinker Taylor Soldier, Birch. Ashley Birch, as the youngest boomer, was a full, sucks. Knowing I'm going to hear that sentence for maybe the next two to three years of my life, fucking blows. Anthony, the goal is, Freddie and I did a little collab on this a little while ago. The goal is... Oh, I can smell it.

This didn't just have Freddy's fingerprints on it. Long enough after season two, you'd hear the name Taylor Swift and you'd think of Freddie before actual Taylor Swift. The goal is, can we get Anthony to hear his... sister's name and think of Freddie first. That's the goal. Freud would have a field day. Freud would have a field day, but Freud wasn't around when Ashley Burch was an

coin-sling arcade pro, former pro. Did you ask Ash? Yes. Okay. I had clear. And she said no. And she said, please don't. And I said, First Amendment, I can do what I want. She said her a list of a hundred other Ashley Burch's. I'm just referencing these Ashley Birches. You can't stop me. And my Jerry Factrix were doing.

doing our dad facts. We're calling them Jerry Fatrix. That was bad. That was a bad. That was a best spash. Jerry Patrick's Ashley Burch was a coin-slinged arcade pro back in the Twin Galaxy's era, was a master of and still holds the high score records on the arcade version of the game, the Fermi Paradox, which we'll learn a little bit more about this episode. Hey, everybody, I'm Matthew Arna and I play Dale Elliott. I was going to give anything in the world for you to say Anthony Burns. I'm playing Anthony Burch. Nah. A wave rioting ex-life guard, grandpa who hopes you're just doing fine.

And a little grandpa fact about Dale is he has traveled around the world seven times on all seven cruise liners that are available. Cruise Daddy. World Cruises can't get any better. That can mean multiple things. And they mean lots of different things. And Dale's done it all. He has a shirt that says cruise daddy and it doesn't mean what he thinks it means. He's got more than one of those shirts.

Oh, all right. Wow. I'm sensing like a real. Matt's got a twinkle in his eye. I'm sitting here for some high caliber queer baiting this season. You know what? Dale's just having a good time. You're reading too much into Dale.

Hey, if that's what you want, if that's what you're thinking, Dale's fine with that. Hi, everybody. I'm Will Campos. And this season I play Ralph Estereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. Whoa, one more time. That's great. Ralph Estereus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. We'll find out all about Ralph.

as we get into the action here. But my Jerry fact trick, Grandpa, fact for Ralph for episode one, is that Ralph fell asleep watching the Rifleman last night and forgot to take his dentures out. Let's just say they're feeling a little loose. He's got loose dentures at the top of this thing.

So we'll see what happens. Hi, my name's Beth May, and I play Herb the Worm Quigley, a young at heart barbarian storytelling, grandpa who is losing the plot. Some quality fucking character intro, I must say. My Jerry Faktrick, Herb has been fired from over 246 jobs, but hired for even more than that. And he was alive for the Apollo 11 moon landing.

I'm Anthony Burch, no relation. And I'm your granddaddy master this season. I, instead of doing facts, am going to do you guys know what an epigraph is? I don't. And I'm not embarrassed to say. Yeah, I don't know it either. I know. What is it?

you tell the class, William. It's a, well, the thing you need to know about. He's Googling it. Okay, so an epigraph is the thing at the beginning when a book or a movie starts in like a quote of the beginning of a book chapter sections at the tone introduced provide God exor and what's to come. At the beginning of kill Bill and it's like revenge is a dish best serve cold, clean on proverb.

That's an epigram. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to do an epic grand graph on every episode. And this time, the epic grand crime is points if anybody can guess the person who did this quote before I reveal it. But where is everybody? Is that from the Twilight Zone? The first episode?

What is it? That is from Enrico Fermi. But where is everybody is the core question behind the Fermi paradox? The Fermi Paradox, which is just a real life thing you can Google,

goes like this. A, there are billions of stars like our sun and Milky Way. B, even if the chances of an Earth-like planet developing around such a star are incredibly low, there would still,

probabilistically, be thousands and thousands of planets capable of sustaining intelligent life. C, of all those thousands of civilizations, at least some would develop interstellar trap. D, it would only take a few million years to cross the Milky Way.

E, many of these life-sustaining suns are billions of years old, which means that these other civilizations have had plenty of time to come visit us and should have done so by now. And premise Femis F is that nobody has shown up. But more importantly, the Fermi Paradox, and now I'm entering the fiction of our world, so don't bother Google in this part. The Fermi Paradox inspired a 1981 arcade space shoot-em-up of the same name,

where players fought in an intergalactic war for some. supremacy. Though overshadowed by its contemporaries like Gallagher and Defender, the Fermi Paradox and its developers Spark Interactive, have maintained a quiet but consistent presence in the video game zeitgeist. The latest entry in the series, simply titled Fermi Paradox, but in all uppercase letters, is in fact so complex that it is to the original arcade game what the iPhone is to a palm-sized rock. Players can take on the role of a soldier shooting bad guys in typical Call of Duty style, a pilot who can execute dog fights in space, a hacker who can infiltrate and disrupt enemy systems. Sounds boring.

And in general, who can oversee the other layers of the game, give directions and buy-by-five. So it's basically everything that Star Citizen wants to be. Yes, it is what Stars Citizen pretends to be. So there's four children and one player. There's only one that matter. It sounds more like what Battle Cruiser 3,000 AD wanted to go in a ready. A Derek Smart reference. The last game you'll ever need.

Oh, it's also team-based player versus player, which means that kids and adults can form groups of four and fight against other players. They had a lot of problems with that. When they had the open chat, let me tell you. And yeah, that's the high-level summary of Spark Interactive's Fermi Paradox series, so you can't keep up with the kids. If you want to support this channel, please head to patreon.com. And next week, Billy Eilich. The sedan rolls to a stop outside the San Dimas Convention Center.

Herb. Herb. Your daughter, Michaela, is looking at you in the rear view. We're here. Where's here? The San Dimas Convention Center. Aw. Says the woman in the tank top sitting at the other end of the car. I thought we were going to the L.A. Convention Center.

Why did I think that? I do not know why you thought that, Michaela says. The young boy in the middle seat says, Tammy, can you get out on your side so I can get the door for Grandpa? Oh, I got the door, kiddo. Nevertheless, your grandson runs out and gestures towards it but realize, oh, okay, you left anyway. Oh, the door, man. I was being the kind of spry. I went to the other door.

Oh, wow. Okay, well done. Well, yeah, I guess I have to now. Whoops, too slow. Wow, you're a spry one. Just in front of the convention center entrance. There's a table with a sign reading, team check-in. here. I'll be back at 4, Olly.

Michaela says. Love you. Love you. Oliver, which is a name sent to us by a listener, because that is something we do here at Dungeons and Daddy's HQ. Whatever, whatever you mean, Anthony. That name was sent to us by Emily and Oliver is named after her boyfriend or at least was her boyfriend in

2021 when she submitted that name. So here's hoping that he's still around and Oliver, we're rooting for you. Unless he was a piece of shit, in which case. You don't need him. You don't need him. Girl, you can do better. And you're not going to want to listen to this show. Yeah. If you're still here, thank you. So the attracted to 30-something-year-old woman in the tank top named Cammy says,

anyways, you're not supposed to get his door for, I do that. That's girlfriend work. Come on. Herb, let's go inside. So what does Herb look like as he is running around this van, presumably trying to trick his grandson, Oliver? Herb has just come from work, actually. And so he's dressed like Santa Claus. He is a Maltzedanta currently. But he's a real bean pole of a man, just real skinny. but, you know, he uses pillows to become Santa. It really completes the transformation. And he's got a big gray beard,

but he wears a big white beard over that, you know, for Santa. So it actually kind of looks a little, well, Kthulhuian, and, you know, kind of fucked up because he's got two beards coming out of his face. Is he still wearing the Santa Claus beard right now? Yeah. Okay, cool. You never know. What's the date right now?

It is March 4th. Herb, his girlfriend, Cammy, and his grandson Oliver, head towards what looks to be a check-in table just outside of the convention center. And on their way there, they see a young girl in an esports jersey. In fact, it's the same e-sports jersey that Oliver is wearing. And she is seemingly talking into her phone, streaming to Instagram live. What's up, gamers? It's Lila at the Fermi Paradox semifinals.

The name Lila was sent to us by Fiona slash fits. Thank you, Fiona slash fits. Mom wouldn't let me go to the semifinal, so I got big granddaddy Dale to spot me a bride. Hit him with some knowledge, gramps. and she turns the phone over to Dale. Dale, what do you look like? What do you say? The camera pans over and you see an old man

and 78 years old with the body of RFK Jr. But with the face of RFK Sr. Oh, no. That's not what my country can do for me. Wow. Oh, no. Oh, no. He wasn't a plane crash.

Oh, no. He's just a good-looking guy. He's fit. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Tell us what he was like when you were young. You know what? When you're young, everything looks good.

And if you get old, you can still look good. It's just about perspective, you know? Okay, guys, I'm going to hit you back up once I'm back inside the convention center. My main man, Ollie, has shown up. The man, the myth, the legend, the ace pilot, Oliver, here to take us to fucking gold, baby. And you can see Oliver winces at the F word.

And he says, I don't think gold's in the cards for us today, General. And she says, shut up that pretty face because we've won three V-4s before, and we can do it again. who cares if it's the semi? Speaking of which, update on Scotty, he is getting a rain next week, and I'm sure he'll get off. She was probably lying.

Oliver shakes his head. No, she probably wasn't. An SUV pulls up and a pre-teen girl, also in an e-sports jersey, leaps out of the backseat, doubles over, and begins to dry heat. Aha, honey, it's okay, do your 10-10s. An adult woman says exiting the car as well.

Aha was sent to us by tea, like the drink. Thank you, tea, like the drink, for sending the name, uh-huh. It's AJA. Also, it's just a game, sweetheart, says the man who gets out of the shotgun seat. The woman catches her husband's eye and nods toward the car.

Help, dad, Chuck, maybe. Chuck opens the door revealing Ralph. What does Ralph look like and what does he do when he sees that his grand kid is about to stress vomit? Before you, you see what can only be described is just a wreck of a man. We're talking sweatpants, an old ratty like UC San Diego shirt.

The beard is wild and unkempt. The hair on top is thinning and yet flowing at the same time. There's a nose hair situation. going on. The skin is blotchy. The frame is heavy. His arms are sweaty. His arms are sweaty. There may be a bit of spaghetti in his beard. He sort of hoists himself out and says, thank you kindly chuck. That'll do. Here's a 20 for you. Just kidding. Oh, dear, Asia. What's going on? It's aha, grandpa. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of that, that old Steely Dan album. It's, no, I'm just, the semis are starting and I don't know if I can do. You got the nerves again, huh, kid? I got the Mips.

Well, normally I'd take a knee and get down next to you, but oh, these guys don't, we shouldn't do that. Listen, you're your sweet grandmother. God rest her soul, she would know just what to say to you right now. No, I wish she was here because you'd be feeling much better. But all I can say is, you know, it's just a game. Thanks, grandpa. Thanks, grandpa.

That's great. I feel so much better. Maybe get some food down there to, you know, just don't dry. he gets some stuff coming in, so come back out. That does just sound like a good plan. Aha, who's also wearing the same jersey as the other two kids. As she approaches these kids, Lila slaps her on the back and says, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, it's aha, our soldier who puts the SD in PTSD.

And she says, I don't SD. And Lila says, tell to the dick-sucking judge. All right, let's win this shit. Is that my granddaughter saying all those things? Yeah. Okay. As you three queue in line with your families, three men of three different generations walk past you.

Dad, the middle-aged one says, I'm sure you're still on the schedule. It's just a misprint. They're sponsoring the event. They wouldn't have their star retro version player come to the con and then not give him the stage. Yeah, the little one says, I heard they're all getting to show

they hits the original game every year or they lose the trademark in December and they haven't done it yet, so they'll probably still do it. They'll have you do a record-breaking attempt. For sure, Gramps, no worries. What is the man that they're talking to look like and what is his name?

I know what his fucking name is now. you see before you Ashley Birch, Ashley with the knee and Birch like the tree I said a physical reaction to that voice And he is 411 Went great, pretty young carrying an Emmy in one hand

It's got a long flowing main Of like engineer hair You know what I'm saying? What? It's like when you look at like IT guys The guy's the background of Apollo 13 Like not at Harris, like the guy's in the background. They're not doing the close-ups on.

He is wearing a very bright, colored button-up shirt with like little emojis on it all over. Like it's the pattern and tight khaki pants and sick, cool sneakers. He is a man dressed a little too young for his age. And he goes, oh, I'm going to get a kill screen for sure today. I just these kids, they don't know. They don't know what it's like. They don't know what it's like anymore in front of the spotlight. You know, when we did the tournaments, they didn't list anything.

They just wrote all the schedule up on a piece of paper and posts anywhere, so I'm used to it. And I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, kid playing the tournament? No, I'm just here. I'm here to watch the, oh, dip it's them. It's the doctors. The kid runs off. Your son yells Tim, don't run off. Oh, God, let the kid go.

You know, he's excited the video games. I remember the first time I was playing an arcade. I was just, uh... Let's get you inside, Dad. Oh, yeah, yeah, better get stretching and warmed up. Got to see where they got me set up here. Yep, yep, yep, yeah, cool. Tim Burch, your grandchild, runs toward the check-in line,

practically bouncing with excitement. Oh, Tim Sweeney, that would have been funny. Yeah, would have been. The other three. Wait, Tim Burch? That's funny, too, though. That's fucking good. That's good.

Tim Burch does not have one of these jerseys on, but he sees the other three who are wearing jerseys and run towards them, and he's bouncing up and down, and your grandkids sort of turned toward him, surprised but not pleasantly surprised. And he says, I know you guys are going to go all the way this year and I watch your streams every day. I watch the replays because sometimes you do the concurrently and I want to get each person and individual take on each match, except obviously for Scotties because, you know,

the crime that he did. But I do know you guys are down a hacker and I was wondering if you needed a replacement and I'm a hacker made. So Lila says, uh, docks are huddle, doxer huddle. And the other three kids get into a huddle and they start murmuring. Ah, they're excluding my child. They're excluding him. That's a, that's a tactic. After a little bit of murmuring, they turn back to Tim and Lila says, we say yes, but only because Hacker is the least important position and the hardest to fuck up, so don't get too comfortable and do not fall in love with me. And Tim goes,

I would, I'm... Where's the restroom? Lily Bean, where's the restroom? It's at the corner you turn. It's the same place it was the last two times you went. You go and leave the game where's the old latrine? Yeah, it is, again, the same place is the last time you wait. Okay.

Hey, Oliver, where's the, where's the pisser man? Oh, honey, I'll walk you. I'll walk you there, says Cammy. Ralph's already in there. I'll just follow you. You know, sir, you look like you know where you're going. I'm just going to follow you. Is that all right?

Absolutely. You can follow me in the ends of the earth, brother. Oh, have you been to the ends of the earth? Actually, yeah. This one time, I was working in Montana in the bad lanes. Oh, Montana feels like, yeah, there are some times. And we were digging up some dinosaur bones with the toothbrush. and you were just so

can you show me where in Montana and I turn around and my shirt it's a globe map and it says you are here and it points to where we currently are. Yeah. Wait, what? You have a globe shirt map. Yeah.

That says you are here and it's sandy. So does he have a bunch of those for when he goes to different places? No, because the little arrow is movable. It's like a little badge. Okay. And you want no more detail. Every morning he puts it on the shirt where he is.

Well, he's not moving that off. The way he does move along. Look, if you want all the details of the shirt, I'll get it to you. Which is it says, it says I've been to all these places. And you can see little dots all around the globe. And then on the bottom it says, right now I'm here. And there's a little arrow to where I'm early. Right now.

And you see a lot of dots on there. Well, sir, what's your name? I'm just showing off my shirt. What's your name? Oh, my name is Dale Elliott. You can call me DL, down low, day, whatever you want to call me. As long as you call me friend. Of course, buddy.

I like you. I like you. Yeah. So I'm pointing at this spot on your back. right now, right? I guarantee you haven't been there. I guarantee you never go there. Is it just above that other spot there? It is. Then I haven't

been there. I've only been where the spots are. So anyway, you know, we're digging. You got them good, honey. And we're in this helicopter We're peeing now, by the way. Oh, God. We're just finding them. Make way, fellas. Watch your shoe there, Dale. Watch your shoe. I'm sorry. I think that's yours. Oh, she shakes.

Nobody gets hands like Matt or anything. So anyway, this guy, and at the time he seemed super old, he seemed, you know, much older than you and I. And he says, hey, I've got this island. Can you come out to this island? And, you know. What island? I've probably been there. Please don't talk about that island anymore.

Oh, man, you know, this was before Cammy's time. So I don't know if you met my girlfriend. And stop being telling people to where we met. My girlfriend, Cammy, she's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. She looks beautiful. She's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. But this was before Cammy. This was, what was it name?

What was the name? What was the name? It was, I think it was Sarah, something like that. I've known so good Sarah. Was she a good Sarah? She was the best Sarah of that year. I'm noticing a problem with the grandparents' format of this television show. What is it?

The rest of the episode, dude? You guys could talk about literally nothing. You can get down away from us at any moment. Yeah. I know, I know. I got you. Hold on. Hold on.

You don't worry. Don't worry, I think. We're here. We're here. We're just laying this. scene. I will say that. I was beginning to realize the problem which is best character is, she likes to tell endless

stories and Dale's character. If he's just interested, he will just doubt. He will not stop you for talking. Don't get these two in a room together. Well, I've established that the NBC, who's a girl is outside the restroom, so it is on YouTube to get us out of this. So at some point, I was like, I don't even think

there are any dinosaurs on this tour, right? Because we go past the Are there still? No, we go back to the counter- After a time, Will or after a friend. No, no, no, no, no. I want to see how to do this go, Anthony? And, oh, yikes, yikes, yikes.

Did you pee on yourself again? It started to rain, honey. You know how that happens. Oh, do you want to come in and clean you up? Hey, you don't need to talk about that. Suddenly you hear violent coughing from a stall behind you. Looks like we lost another one. I'm not going to do the whole thing, but it's bad.

And then you hear a flush. and shuffling and pants getting hiked up and Ralph staggers, half stumbles out, and wipes his mouth. You see a little bit of blood on his mouth as he wipes his mouth. He says, As the Pope said to the anti-Pope, do not go in there.

And he goes over and washes his hands. How are you fellows doing? You hear for the Nintendo. Yeah, well, it's your name, sir. Oh, well, Ralph, Ralph Festereus? Who are you? Dale L. L. I like to cut of your chip, Dale.

Oh, thanks. You look cool. I, you're too kind. You're with your kids? Grandkids. Great grandkids. Oh, I got kids. I got kids.

Hold on. Let me get out my wallet. And you can see him right here. This is a show. She's a, um, now, Asia is a transgender. Oh, okay. But here this. Straight ace.

Hold on. Straight ace. Oh, that. So I try to talk to my. I just, you know, so people are always saying, but I'm saying, look at the greats. That's more than I can say for my grandson. Well, there you go. But I add, they're two beautiful kids.

And I, how about, how about, how about? What do you two? Are you guys? Oh, my name's Herb. Put her there. Hey, how are you doing? I've not washed my hands yet, but they're wet. I saw you wash them.

No soap yet, but there's water on there. Okay, well, more for me. Being my beautiful wife gave this earth four kids. Four kids. I think I have a lot of kids. I actually only found out about my daughter, Michaela, about 20 years ago. Oh. I wasn't around.

New father then, I see. But I got the snippet 25, so something must have happened. Something bad. The door busts open and Ashley Birch saunteres in. Oh, make way gents. Oh, oh,

oh, you need the, smells like napalm here. Someone dropping bombs. Oh, make way. Hey, I recognize this guy.

Oh, yeah, I get it all the time. He's the game. Hey, Ash, what's you playing? Oh.

Anthony has smacked his sparkling water across the room. I'll tell you what. Hey, fuck. Hey, fellas, fellas, fellas, if any of you guys are,

you know, you got a second. Yeah, we've been able to pee this whole time. Nice to the time. We're all standing there with our dicks out, but nothing is coming out. Little performance anxiety,

you know. Ah, but I can't have that on the stage. Let me tell you, hey, fellas, I won't be playing the arcade. Going to be playing. the arcade version.

They got me up set. I don't know where they got me set up, but they got me set up somewhere. It's going to be real great. I'm going for the kill screen. Go over the kills screen. I hope you get it. Whatever that is, I hope you get it, man. Oh, yeah.

What are you folks doing here? I have probably not to do. Nothing really. I had a plan, but it didn't pan out. So I think I was going to try again later. What kind of plan did you have to? I mean, you know, I had to go pee, but at IRA, sometimes it don't happen. It will.

It will. It will. It won't. And you know what? It happens when you don't. You don't want it to. I know. Yeah.

Damn. It's funny. I thought I had one in the chamber, but standing here, it seems like it's taking a little bit of time. I talked to tell me to stop drinking so much water right before bed. Oh, yeah. Well, it's funny because I did. But now I got dry a mouth and I still pee at night.

I say that, you know, I'm getting older, but the men on the depends boxes are getting younger. What's that about their models or something? Something's happening these days. Gentlemen, I really should be going. But as the good book says, let justice roll down like waters and righteous, like an ever-flowing stream.

I hope that gets you going. Take a look at the schedule. Lovely to meet you. Say in a clause, always a pleasure. Hey, make sure you take a look at the schedule. Oh, yeah, let me pull up my bike for you. You know the games. Was your name again?

I'm Ashley Birch. Ashley with a knee and Birch like the tree. Do me a quick favorite? You are within throwing range. Just one thing. Just know, whatever you do, I have a phone. that I could throw at your head real hard. I would never go so low as to make a joke about your sister's name.

That's on Freddie. I was playing a character moment, Anthony. Okay. And then I continue. Please do. I wish I had a really good joke. But I don't. But I don't.

Can you just tell me one thing about this guy? I try to tell her. You know, I, I am interested, but the internet, I type in Fermi paradox. I get, I never get science. I get science stuff. I just want to, I want to connect with her. I just don't understand. Just give me something I can say.

Ah, well, here's what you do. Here's what you do. Well, first of all, you know, Star Citizen? No. I stream Star Citizen. And I pull out a little... I pull out the business card while I'm still standing in front of the urinal dick out that has my name on it.

And it's a Star Citizen streamer. It's my Twitch URL and everything. It's like, I stream. I stream. I stream every day. Do you have as tough a time streaming that as you have streaming downstairs? I like the covers guys, Jim. Hey.

We're all playing a... This was bad at the team for a season This premise is bad Nah, this is the happiest I've ever been I fucked up I get up bad Anyway, okay, so who exits? Wait, wait, I'm telling you about my Twitch stream

And my Twitch you all you know. I want to know about your game This is really like talking to a grandparent Oh, hey, so here's what you're gonna do You're gonna go to H-T-T-PS They added that They added that They added that sometime.

I don't know what it's for. Is that around here somewhere? There's a website. It's a website. It's a website. It wears it on your jacket. It's H-T-T-PS.

Okay. Website. Colin. Yeah. I got to check on that. God, don't we all? I wish I were dead. Colon slash.

There's that dynamic. Twitch. Dot TV, even though it ain't. Dot TV. Okay. I got one of it. of those, that's good. I can get there. To the shot TV.

I hope we never leave this bathroom. I hope. Andy, Anthony. Anthony, Anthony, you can come in with you can come in with farty, pissy NPCs anytime you are. You might need to get abducted.

We might not leave here, Anthony. Just cut away. Cut away. Two us a favor. Hey, uh, dad. Ashley, this is your son. Todd speaking right now. It sounds like they're about to, they're about to start. Oh, I can't miss it. Yeah.

You guys want to, yeah. We're all going to take our seats in the, it's in lounge F. We're just going to be waiting in there. It's a conference room. What time? What time? Now I think they're actually going to do it now. No peepee for me, but I won't tell if you won't tell.

I won't tell. Well, and I zip back up. No fluids transferred. And then we cut to you guys. You are in a convention hall. You are sitting in a crowd. Oh, I got to use a camp. Any of you, buddy?

Hey, I saw you in the, yeah. Oh, it's starting. Wait, we should wait. It's starting. Oh, sorry. I'll see if I can hold it. Let me just get back to my seat here. Wilde, come in there.

Ralph, as you're scooting back to your seat, your daughter, Martha, sort of pokes you on the shoulder and says, hey, I'm not trying to sway your opinion or anything, but if you don't take the room, Charlie's going to turn it into a man cave. He's thinking about buying a pinball table, so you would be doing me a favor if you did move in. It's just something to consider. I just, you know, me, I'm comfortable.

You look comfortable. I like my ways. You know, you don't want an old fart kicking around, sneaking up the place. I don't have an old fart than a loud pinball machine. But it's your decision, of course. Have you heard attack from Mars? I just, you know, it's home.

You know, I haven't finished the last book yet, and it feels wrong to write it anywhere else. I know, but I was doing reading on grieving, and it's sometimes going to be good if you live somewhere with somebody and they pass, that moving locations. Well, you're happy to move back home. We got your room just like we had it set up with them. With the ponies.

The opposite of what I want is for, is for it to go back. I just, let me think about it, sweetie. Let me think about it. Herb, your girlfriend, Cammy, pulls on your shirt a little bit and says, Hey. Not now, honey. No, I want to, did you take your pills for the, you know, BIPO L.A or? Yeah, the pills.

I took them, you know, I took them. Honey? All right, give up to me right now. Go to me right now. Take them. Ah, ah. Ah. She roots around in her first, takes out a little bottle of pills.

You see my daughter, Michaela, doing this to Oliver. You see that going on? Because Oliver, you never complain about Oliver taking it. Well, because he does. Okay, point taking. Give me a, ah, ah. All right, over here comes the plane. Dale, you are alone.

Yeah, yep. That was okay. Hey, what's your name? I'm Dale. Whoever's next to me, I just look at them. Hey, Dale, that's my girlfriend. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, hey. I didn't see you there, bud. Hey, girlfriend looks young enough to be playing up there. That's cool. Oh, gosh. Stop, stop. That's cool. This one's going to steal me away from you, huh?

No, I couldn't do that. I'm sure you two are as tight as can be. We sure are. You go on cruise as much? No. No, that's cool. I've been saying we should go on cruise on. My daughter could call me.

She doesn't. When somebody calls, it does show up, right? It does? Well, you got the jitterbug three? Is that? No. What's that? I don't know. It's an old people phone.

Real blind leading the blind here. Ashley is trying to flag down one of the people working at the convention. One of the enforcers, oh yeah, we've actually got it set up for you right now. And somebody takes out on a truck, a little dolly truck thing. Am I the opening act here for this thing? Yeah, yeah, actually, you are. Well, we set up the rest of the land stuff. At that moment, your phone rings Dale.

Oh, it does work. Okay. Here's this. What? One sec. Oh, no, I missed it. I call back. I'm sorry.

I can no answer. Oh, there is. I got it. Hello. Hi. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

You're on the phone. Sorry. I'm not talking to. It's confused these days. People are just talking out to anybody. I know. You talk to somebody you think you're talking to, but they got the things in their ears. Hello?

Dad. Oh, hey, hon. Hey. Hi. Where's Lila? She's with me here. Where's here? At that, uh, the firm.

video game thing. The thing I told her she couldn't go to. Yeah, I mean, yes. And you were there when I told her that? I was. And then you took her? Well, she asked me. Oh, well, when you put it that way.

I know. I'm not trying to tell you how to parent or anything. I just thought she's young. You know, having a good time. I don't see her all that often. I just want to bring her. Can you bring her back, please? I probably could, but I don't think I will.

You know what? Forget it. I'm sorry. She's right up there. She's having a good time. You know, it's okay to have a good time sometimes, huh? Yeah, you always say that. Why did you stay there?

I'm going to get in the car. I'm coming over. You just relax. You just enjoy your retirement. Oh, okay. I love you, though. I love you. Okay, I love you.

I'm sorry, I did this. I know I shouldn't have. I just thought she could have a good time today and I didn't want to stress you out about it. Well, now I'm a different kind of stress. You are? That's on me. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's okay. You sure you don't want me to bring her back? I just feel like, It's my mistake. I will take the mistake. If you come here and stop her from doing this, it's going to become a mistake for you and you two are going to fight.

Let's just keep this a fight between us. Okay. And then, you know, again, it's your dog. I'm just saying, you know, just let her come back. You yell at me. And then that, oh, did it work? Is it broken? No, she's, that's, that's, that's, I broke that.

That's my, I did that. Sounds like a tough combo. Yeah, you know, I'm, I try my best, but I'm not. Not always. Ah, you know, just doing the Dale thing. Yeah, it's tough luck, man. Yeah, you want this pill? I'll never say a no to a pill.

Crammy grabs your nose and pinches it shut and then tries to like, like a dog. Swallow? Swallow. Big swallow, honey. Big swallow. There we go. That one's so hard. No, no, not hard at all.

Yeah. Unlike, you know, this dick. Uh-huh. Yep, yep, yep, he still performs. Maybe a little bit more than I would like him to, but he sure still can. So you guys are sitting in the middle of this hall, and in front of you are just some more kids, some other family members of the other team seemingly, but directly in front of you is the single most pungent man you have ever been near. Your sense of smell is beginning to go as you get older, but you can still smell this really, really intense odor coming from him. He's wearing a shirt that says, fir me for everybody.

And other than the smell, he's actually super handsome. And on the stage, you see a bunch of different computers set up, four on each side. You see a little podium. And you see now being wheeled in a big arcade machine that says Fermi Paradox in an 80's ass kind of font. Hey, do they need me up there? I think the MC's going to walk on to stay. Okay, okay. I start slicking back my hair and like adjusting my shirt and zipping up my pants.

So you may have expected your grandkids to be like waiting like backstage. Like there is a back state, but there isn't one. It's kind of a shitty room. So they're just sitting in the stand, the stands of the chairs with all of you. The bleachers. The bleachers. Or than like the juniper room or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

You're just in chairs next to a kind of a stage with a projected screen behind it. One of the volunteers for the convention comes over and basically asks each of your kids, the grandkids parents, to sign a release form. Now, Martha, hold on. You're going to want your lawyer to look at that. Let me take a look at now. Let me just. So AHA pulls at your sleeve and goes, it's fine. You don't have to.

It's fine. Oh, no. It's okay, honey. You got to make sure that when you sign something, because, you know, they could be signing you. for a cell phone plan or something in here. You know, those things are hard to cancel. So let me just, I'm just going to look through this for you. Okay.

How are you feeling? Are you still nervous? Are you still? Yeah. You still got that going on, huh? Yeah. I mean, yeah, until we win, if we win, we, I mean, we probably won't. Maybe we do.

When your mother was born, Martha, you don't remember because you were being born at the time. Now, she, I was, I was nervous, quite nervous. And your grandmother, God rest her soul, she taught me a sort of breathing exercise. You know, you breathe in. and you breathe out. That's... That's... That's the whole thing?

Yeah, well, you know, that's what I said. I was like, well, come on. I mean, that's what I do every day. I breathe in. And so just try one with me, though. Okay? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Try just... You take it in, you go, you breathe in, you go... You go... Oh, ho! Sorry, it's a little... But you get the idea. You feel better, dearie? Yeah, sure.

So this looks good, Martha. Go ahead and you can put your John Hancock there. Thanks, Dad. Uh, sir, should I sign? It's okay if I sign this. I'm her, I'm a grandparent. Are you a legal guardian technically? Oh, legal.

Um, Lila. He is my legal guardian. I do not have parents. It's just him. He's a single dad. He works at the strip club every day to make ends meet. Well, okay. You got to support him in his moment of need.

So I brought him here to lift his spirits. He's a stripper with a hard of gold. Sign it. Grandpa, please. Lila, you, you lie with a breeziness that is a little concerning. Thank you. Um, All right.

Yep. Wait, what's theil's Senior Citizen's Stripper name? Blue Plate Special? That's a good one. I like that.

All right. I'll sign. Oh, not Blue Plate Special once a second. Dale. I know there's a contract. Can I scratch it out? It doesn't really matter.

Okay. I'm going to put her parents' name on this, okay? You're telling the guy. Yeah, look at the guy. I can just pretend you didn't say that I guess. Do sleight of hand to try to replicate her signature. That's a three. Three?

that's fine takes it away you do a great job out there oh I will baby while Todd is signing the release and asking about you know the timing of when you go on and all that stuff

Tim hey I didn't sign a release do they need me to sign anything I don't think so the enforcer says I'll check on that check in the back you might need to go

to the talent relations they use the phrase he doesn't matter so I'm assuming there's not there's not one for I could go get one for you if you want

one. I just need to make sure that your legal is all buttoned up. Yeah, you know what? I'll go get one. It's always important. After this one gets signed. It's important. And likeness rights. You can barely hear your son Todd saying, he'll forget about it in 30 seconds. Don't worry about it. Damn.

I was so excited. I'm so pumped. What do you do when you're pumped? When you were about to go on stage, that's incredible. What did you do to hide yourself up? That was very simple. I need you to focus on winning.

Visualize winning so that when it happens, it won't be a surprise to you. Oh, that's correct. So then you close your out here. It's a foregone conclusion. Exactly. I'm standing on stage.

I have a trope. They don't do trophies, but I have a... Participation medal. Yeah, a medal. Oh, medals. Like Star Wars. And they're roping it around your neck

like your Chewbacca at the end. Chubbacca is the one person who did not get a medal. My father. but that's okay Wait is there a reason for that Was it just didn't have the costume that day Like he's a dog dude I like that I'm visualizing myself

And the crowd cheering cheering All the kids are school Wow he's so cool Yes the visualization can continue Imagine now you're walking down the halls of your school All the girls are I don't know about that All the and some of the

guys too. Oh, my God. I mean, maybe. And now your teachers are dapping you up in the hallways. That I like, dapping? Oh, my God. I'm short, so I got to jump to do it properly, but hell yeah. And you're bully, the bully that you keep talking about. Yes.

Now you're beating him up. Oh, yes. I'm propagating the cycle of violence. Hell yeah. And his eyes, they're feared his eyes as you stopped down on him. And all the teachers are cheering you. He's really

specific. You've talked this before, but that's great. I'm using it. I'm using this. Thanks. I'm great. It's great. That energy with you into the game and you will surely win.

You got it. I think I did a pretty good job there. So the guy who also got the signature from Dale comes around to you, looks at Cammy, looks at you, goes either one of you can sign this. Cammy grabs it goes, I'll do it, and begins to sign it. Well, I think the kids should be able to do it. Hey, hey, Oliver, you've been practicing your. you're autographed because you're getting so famous, man. Oh, that's sweet.

You got to practice this stuff because I might need you to co-sign a loan for me pretty soon. Oh, I, yeah, no, I'm, I'm good to not sign it right now because I'm not an adult. It has to be an adult, so it's cool. It sneaks up on you, man. I'm going to tell you that it sneaks up on you. Does it? Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Also, I bought a new weekly pill case for myself. So I got my old one right here. if you wanted to use it, because I know you have some trouble remembering to do every day. There's one for each day for like two weeks. That is so kind of you. Thank you. I mean, you're welcome. But the problem is it's Saturday.

And, you know, I just, I wouldn't know, you know, what, there's two Ss on this case. What is it? What's the difference there? Well, the one on the end is Saturday and the one at the beginning is Sunday. Well, yeah. I mean, you know what, kiddo? I will put this in my pocket. I appreciate that.

Yeah. Thank you. That's great. How are you feeling? Can you hold this? Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, neat. You can use it.

This will be great. Thank you, Olly. You're welcome, Cammy. So, kiddo, you're nervous? What are you feeling? You're ready to be, you know, the big star on the stage and the big lights and the cursing? Well, first of all, I'm not going to be cursing. It's kind of my brand.

That's something I learned recently. It's important to have a brand. No, you wouldn't have learned that recently. He would have known that. You know, everyone knows that. Bro. Every Gen Alpha Brain Rop Italian brain rap kid knows. The most important thing around us have a brand. Look at Jake Paul.

Yeah. Look at Logan Paul. Look at everyone who does anything on Twitch. Brands. Now, the brands may be criminals. The brands may be the worst people on earth. But still a brand, baby. Okay, so instead of saying, I just found this out, it goes, not cursing as part of my brand. I try to be, you know,

family friendly and everything. But I'm okay. we're going to lose and that's fine. It doesn't really bother me. You're gonna lose. Yeah, I play this game because I enjoy it. Oliver, what? Lila's the one who's really competitive.

I just really like playing. So like, as long as we're playing. I like that. I like that you just like playing. But you play to win. You don't say that you're going to fall off the horse before you're even getting on the pony. Come on.

That's an interesting use of that metaphor. Well, I mean, it's not a big deal of that fall off the horse. So I don't really mind. It's just we don't know. who this hacker is, we're down a guy. So if we lose, it's no big deal. I just don't want you to be disappointed when we lose, because I know you'd be really sad. I can never be disappointed with you.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much. Unless you like, I don't know if you did a crime or something, but I'd get over it. What's the line of crime we're talking about where you would? It's such a good question. That was the fourth guy on the team. Shame, really. That's the other guy.

A figure in a hazmat. It comes from backstage. The face window is totally opaque on the hazmat suit. It ambles up the stairs. It's. I mean, you don't know what gender it is. They. No, I thought it was like...

See, how are we supposed to keep it straight? It's they. Hey, or we had our time. You let them... You just let them kids do what they want. You know, we weren't right all the time either. So the hazmat suit gets up to the stage, taps the mic, and you hear,

while our teams get ready, we've got some light entertainment for you. One of the greatest gamers, of the retro era. He's hoping to hit a new high score to hit the kill scream on the original Fermi Paradox right before your eyes. Everyone give it up for

Ashley Burch. And Ashley Burch stands up. Hey, yeah, that's the guy from the bathroom. I told you, told you, and I'm waving and around to anyone nearby. I'm like, I stream on Twitch now. I'm a Twitch streamer. And Twitter, okay, should I make my way?

Okay, all right. Yeah, go up, Dad. And I make my way up and I'm smiling. Do you want help with the stairs? Oh, no, I got it. And I do a little light jog up the stairs. All right, roll a...

And here we go, baby! Acrobatics with disadvantage. Now, here's the thing. I... Sounds like it didn't go well. I spec'd gadgeteer, so I have kept myself very limber, so that's a 16 plus four. With disadvantage, huh?

Three plus four, seven. You eat shit immediately. And from the audience, you hear something that is unfortunately very familiar to you, which is, oh, that's him. That's where I recognize him from. The rest of the grandparents all around you, you hear people whispering amongst each other,

you hear words like face and plant and guy and watch this video. And ahead of you, the pungent, handsome man pulls out a model of phone you've never seen before. And after a few taps, you see a video. That's the one. That's the jitterbuck. Okay, no, I don't have that one. Looks cool, though.

You see a video of something oddly familiar, which is a guy with a shitty early 80s haircut standing on a familiar stage with several familiar arcade cabinets spaced oddly far apart behind him. And he says, We're hosting the first ever, That's Incredible, video game invitational. In just the last

few years, video games have become a sport under themselves. The person skips ahead in the video, and you see a guy who looks kind of like a younger version of the man who just fell down on stage. Ashley Burch has hit 20,000 on Fermi Paradox, so he's just got to run to the finish line, and he'll have the goal. The young Ashley in the video turns, steps forward,

steps on his own shoelace, and faceplants with a loud thunk. He gets to his feet, but it's a second too late. Another player sprints right past him to the finish line, and the announcer says, and it's Gordon Kwan first across to finish. He is now the new king of video games. And then laughter ripples throughout the crowd as you see more people getting this

video up on their phone and you hear the funk, funk of the face hitting the... I like the idea also that the AV guy has also pulled up this video. It's on the big project on the screen on. What do you do now with everybody in this room? Well, no, hey, hey! Someone got a mic. Someone got a mic

mic for me or something. I have no microphone and I'm shouting as hard as I can. It's like, hey, come on, hey, let me. You know, it's me. face-blank guy. Let me show you what I can do, though. Oh, it looks like we're actually ready to start the semi-final matches. Hey, hey, Ray, how do I get? You guys, I need... Your son runs up.

This is not free play. I need a quarter. Hold on, I got some quarters here. Your son runs over and sort of picks you up and supports you. His arm is under your armpits. And he goes, we'll do it after. I'm sure they'll have time for you to play after the... Did I take damage? Yeah, you're going to take a D-6 of damage. D-6!

Hey, man. At that age? I got it. Two. I'm at A-that. out of 10. You don't get hurt anymore. You only get injured. Okay, so the hazmat person says, you know what, we're good? Yeah, I think it's time for the kids to take the stage. Whoa, whoa. Hey, come on. All the grandkids take the stage. Everybody, except for Tim Burch is in matching gear. Tim seems to have taken his white t-shirt, turned it inside

out and then wrote in doxers on it. Oliver, I'm so proud of you, buddy. He smiles, points at you, winks, and does a finger gun at you. Hey, that's my granddaughter up there. You do your best, Lila. Yeah, bitch. I wish you wouldn't say that, but you know, I respect that she wants to. So they sit down, they put on the most elaborate headset mic combos that you've ever seen, and they start playing, at which point they might as well be speaking Swahili while painting abstract art for all the sense that it makes to your elderly eyes. You have no idea what you are watching.

At some point, after seemingly 10 minutes, your grandkids fly a big ship towards a big orange, purple star, and then they all start cheering, which seems good. Do they win? I don't know. And it's the doctors who take game once, says the thing in the hazmat suit. They just need one more. match to. And then he freezes for a second and he touches his chest,

looks to the side and he nods. Oh, I feel, oh, okay. Oh, thank God. And he... Sorry, you gotta be careful. I got to ask for it if he needs it, but it looks like he's okay. So he reaches into the podium and brings out what looks to be like a metallic baseball. And he says,

I do apologize for this part, everyone, but it turns out I'm on a bit of a time rush. And he throws the sphere onto the ground as hard as he possibly you hear an explosion as the sphere shatters, but you see nothing. No effect. Everyone roll perception. Oh, okay.

My first role is a 14. 19 perception. Okay. Ralph got a 6 plus 1,7. I got a net 20. Oh, shit. Okay, so everybody except for Ralph notices that every single person in the room, with the exception of you four grandparents,

the person in the hazmat suit, and the stinky person in front of you are frozen solid. like somebody just hit the pause button on them. Herb, with your natural 20, you also notice the man in the hazmat suit reach into its back pocket and pull out what looks to be a gun. It points it at the handsome man in front of you,

fires, and the handsome guy doesn't seem to react as a dart hits him in the arm because the gun was pretty much entirely silent. Now that we're in proper things happening and something surprising should happen, everyone roll a D20. Shit, is a new mechanic? I got a loud one.

Natty 20. 13. I rolled a 12. We rolled a 12. Okay, so nobody got a heart attack and die. How often do we do that? Whenever I do it necessary. Okay, that's fair. Is it a 1 or a 20? It's a 1. A 1. Okay.

With a 20, you're... You know what, you get a little bit of a spring in your steps. You'll get an advantage on the next thing you do, but I'm going to give you a disadvantage. It'll just be a normal role, so... With a 20, you get a stent place. Yes. So now, you're also going to do something unpleasant, which is you're going to pick one of your ability scores, and you're going to do it by 1.

and you're going to pick another ability score and you're going to reduce that one by two. Okay. Whoa. When you say ability, you mean like strange decadity? No, no. Then, depending on if it makes sense for your character, you can then add a point to either intelligence or wisdom

given, you know, the life that you've led. Ralph lost two dexterity in one constitution and is going to gain a wisdom. Herb is also gaining a wisdom after losing one dexterity and two charisma I lost. Dale gained one wisdom, but he lost two strength and one constitution. Ashley loses one charisma, two decks, but gains just a little bit of intelligence.

This is to represent the fact that even as your body breaks down as you get older, you are gaining knowledge through experience, like literal experience, not experience points. We're probably going to do something not unlike this for future level ups, but nowhere near as violent as this. I was about to say, so like if this season goes on a long time, we could just be floating brains in space, too. So you've just been just. that everybody's frozen. Oh, I haven't. I was rooting for my pockets for a piece of candy.

Okay. Where is that car drop? Where's this? Where's this? Where's there? I hope he finds it. The hazmat puts on a headset just like the ones the kids are wearing. The headsets all glow, and then suddenly your grandchildren and the hazmat guy are all seemingly pulled through the back wall at incredible speed, creating five human-sized holes in the plaster. Whoa, whoa. Dale runs. I'm already on stage. and I'm clambering after my kid. Jumping Jehosephat. Martha, looked it, but what?

And then I realized my daughter is frozen solid, you said? Yes. What in the blue blazes is going on here? Herb turns to camy is like, is this part of the game? Is this a, uh, the game? I don't think so, friend. You're, you're awake through. I'm okay.

I'm okay. Oh boy. What was in that bathroom? As you get up to run after them, you notice that the handsome stinky man in front of you also gets up, makes a noise you've never heard a human being make for, and leaps forward climbing over the frozen teens and adults in the rows ahead, and then sprints toward the large toll in the wall. I didn't even see it because I was running. Okay, so give me an acrobatics or in athletics, whatever you like, you used to be, you know what? Before what you just

did, I would have made it. But I did it. So you're going to take a D6 of damage. The plaster trips you up and you fall under your face. So now you're not the only person. I'm a death savings. Who's eating shit already. No, you're not. I'm very close, though. I took six damage. I have three out of nine left. Whoa. Oh, no.

God. I'm still crawling towards the hole, though. Hey, let me help you up. Let me help you up, man. Now, do we get boomer camaraderie where when we, as boomers, help each other? That's only if there's someone on a ladder below us and we want to pull the ladder up before they can. Ah, yeah, yeah. If we help someone while hurting someone else.

If you do something to help each other while hurting a younger person, yes. Okay, there's a bonus. There's a boomer bonus called boomer camaraderie. Yes. Boomer bonus is such a better term than boomer. You guys are both running up to the holes in the wall? Yeah, I think, what did I get it up to the stage? But then I ate shit as you were going through the plaster in the hole in the line.

So, um, Ralph is just kind of paralyzed with fear. Ralph is just kind of immobile. He's like, but Martha, come on. Wake up. What, what's happening here? Guys, what I'm really far away from you. I just like, oh, I got it's panicking. You hear another

Like they're continuing to get pulled through More walls in the convention center Towards some other destiny Oh so they're letting getting like yanks through the walls Yeah, it's not a teleport It's like a you wink Can we hear our kids like screaming or anything like that Or they?

No, they're frozen just like everybody else Martha, it's ah And I just start running after them as well You're gonna roll athletics or acrobatics as well Anybody who wants to run after them Is going to do that except for Freddie Because he's already up there I'll roll athletics

I got five Okay you eat shit take a D6 of damage I want I got a 23. That's how you feel. I'm like running through walls like the juggernaut, and X-Men the last stand. Hell yeah.

You're the juggerna. You run past me and I'm on the phone because I got notified because there was a fall. Yeah, right. So I'm like saying that you go get him, herb. Yeah, there is an emergency. It's not me. I did fall.

But my grandkid, my granddaughter, she's got kidnapped or something. And I'm giving the address and all the information. I'm doing likewise by mashing my life alert, but. Okay, so at the very least, you guys will spend, you know, the next turn getting up. But while you're doing that, you run through a bunch of these holes in the plaster going through wall after wall after wall until... Everyone's frozen, like, around this is going through it.

Yeah, as you're running through, you're the only thing that's moving other than the people who are currently being yoinked backwards and the handsome stinky guy. And then eventually you reach the parking lot. You see daylight and you jump out through that hole and you arrive just in time to see your kids in the hazmat thing come to a dead stop in mid-end. And then you hear a whoop that nearly blows out your eardrums, and above you, the clear sky fills with the shape of a massive dodecahedron, metallic with blinking lights and shit everywhere. The bottom of the dodecahedron opens, a beam of light descends, and the five glowing figures begin to ascend. Oliver, what is that? It's not part of the game. Is it? It's not part of the game? You have one turn to do something. I'm going to try to race up and grab Oliver.

Give me an acrobatics with disadvantage. I roll 13. So you managed to jump and grab onto Oliver's foot. It doesn't seem like your weight affects his height at all, but you are now getting lifted into the air with him. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. This is like that time that there was a hot air balloon and that guy held on.

And we were like below and the guy fell and died. And then the guy I was with became obsessed with me. and was stalking me. And, oh, Oliver, I got to let go, man. I got to let go. You let go before you get high up enough for it to really do much of anything to you. It's like six inches off the ground.

Yeah, I'm going to say you have to roll it. D6 damage, but have it. I get two damage. One for each of your kneecaps that pops. Oh, wow. So by this point, the rest of you've presumably gotten up and followed the holes to the parking lot. I guess we're clambering out of there a little late.

Hey, fellas, you what's going on here? Everything's frozen. What happened, Herb? They're gone. No. Yeah, they just, they floated up. They floated up, and there was this shape in the sky, and they floated up, and I tried to grab him, but I just got scared because I think I was actually thinking of a book. I think I was thinking of a book.

There's a guy over there hit by a car. Oh, God. He's in the air. So you feel something shoved past you, and it's the stinky, handsome guy. who had also tripped as he was trying to pursue, and he looks up at the sky, he goes, you said they're gone? Yeah, they just went up in this sky, man.

He makes another noise you've never heard a human being made before, and his eyes begin to bulge out of his head. Oh, he looks frustrated. Are you feeling all right? He turns around, looks, sees an old station wagon, parked in a handicapped spot. He runs, trips, falls, turns to do a squid with legs,

gets back up, jams his key into the lock, gets inside, and tries to start the engine. What? Dale, I think I'm seeing things, brother. I'm trying to call back my daughter. Well, yeah, that's right. Human to animal transformation. Man, I shouldn't take that pill.

We were right. Yeah, you call your daughter. She picks up. Yeah, I'm like five minutes away. What's up? I lost her. I lost my grandmother. She's gone.

What is she's gone? Something happened. She got sucked away. She went through walls. Okay, okay. I'm sorry, hon. I'm going to get her. It's okay.

I shouldn't have let you. No, okay. I'm going to, I'm like five minutes away. Call the police. Yes, I'm going to call 911. Just stay where you are. It'll be fine. No, I'm going to go after.

I'm sorry. Don't go anywhere because then I have to find you too. You don't. It's okay. I love you. I'm so sorry. I'll talk to you soon. Get here as soon as you can't hunt.

And then I'm going to chase with them. Okay. So you're going to run, what, toward the stationway? Yeah, whoever was the guy turned into SpongeBob or whatever. The guy who turned into Squidward. The famous word character from SpongeBob Spongebans, Spong, Spong, so the engine sounds flooded. But as he turns the key, the station wagon,

begins to lift off the ground for a few inches and then thumps back down out of the paper. Lift thump, lift, lift thump as he's turning to... Disguised alien hovercrafts. We were right about that, too. Sir! Sir! Hold on! Oh, fucking human combustion engines

fucked by fucking life. What? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, those are... All four of us are just around the front of the car. The engine is already popped. The hood is already popped? The problem here. Ah, yeah, this is pretty typical with this year model range.

What was your first car? Um, my first car. It was a Volkswagen Beetle, and we called it the love bug. Because every day I bring back, you know, somebody else. Gentlemen, our grandchildren have been abducted by aliens. Can we focus, please? The age bomb didn't affect you? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

I got to follow them or the universe is going to end. Move back. I'm in. I open. Why didn't I lock the door? Shit. So, yeah, the door is unlocked if you hop in. Well, I just go on over there, kiddo.

I'll drive. Ralph Estuary, Space man, nice to meet you. You're probably wondering why I'm so unfazed by this. Well, as it turns out, I'm a science fiction author, so I'm familiar with the concept of aliens. I assume your whole get up here is probably some sort of incognito thing. You see, my wife, Cookie, and I, we wrote a whole series of books about teenagers who turned into insects. You write books?

Yeah. You're an author. Can you make a living? Insects. Whoa. No, teen sect. Teen sect. Teen sects.

Why does everyone always sit? I'll tell you'll fill you in on the way. Can you make a living doing that? I mean, we did okay. All right. Good for you. That means they're rich. Whatever, everyone buckle in.

Okay, so okay. Interesting, this alien understands the concept of seatbelts. You guys are wrong with four seatbelts? Ah, that was... The cars were... Turned the key. The engine roars to life. So what is this?

A quantum neutrino drive? Do you have a little black hole in there, powering everything? Are you able to achieve faster than light travel? Or have you warped the fabric of space in time such that you don't need to go faster than light? travel vast distances across understellar space. This runs on unleaded. Oh.

The car begins to ascend. Oh, I should call Michaela. I should let her know that things are not going well. Hey, uh, her dad, her dad, what's up? Michaela, sweetheart. Uh, so the event's over. Oh, okay. And it's a little early, but it's not, uh...

I'll just come by, beat you guys up, and I was supposed to take, like, come out. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't come by. It sounds like it really should come by. No, no, no, no, no. Your pills, Herb. What's that? Your pills, your coffin. Wait, what's that?

I can't hear you, man. What are you talking to? You guys speak up. Oh, sorry, I'm talking about. Where's Cammy? Cammy's got your stuff, right? Your pills, and you took your... I took my pills.

I took my pills. That's probably why there's aliens here. And we're being honest. So I've got to go take care of that. So you, so here's what you do is you're going to find Cammy, and you're going to sit next to Cammy, and you're just going to stick with her until I should. Well, Camie is frozen, solid. Yeah, but I'm sure she is.

It's like talking to a wallet, and that's not like her at all. Normally, we have some very fulfilling conversations. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Just stay with her. She may look frozen, but she'll watch you. I'll call her, and I'm going to be right there. So just go ahead and don't go anywhere, okay? You know, sweetheart, I love you, but you know help.

Ashley is texting his kid, and the text message reads, kids, sky, frozen! Exclamation point, exclamation point. I'll get them. Because your sun is frozen, you don't get a response. The station wagon ascends slowly at first, and then it starts going so fast that you are shoved down into the leather seats and you basically cannot move a muscle. The blue sky gives way to the darkness of space and your stomach turns as intense gravity is replaced by no gravity at all. I've thrown up.

Well, then it's floating around in the cockpit of this. The old is the inky black, the celestial sprawl of the Milky Way. The Squid Man shifts to drive and the ship boosts forward towards what slowly... Now, I know unlimited gas isn't doing this, sir. If I explain it to you, your head might explode. Well, maybe most men's head would explode. But as I said, I am sort of... I've contemplated these matters, and I think I have even worked out a formula or two

based on speculative energy sources, of course, but, you know, I think that I could probably handle whatever you've got to tell me about the way... As you're saying that, you notice a rust-colored shape through the front windshield that grows larger by the second. It resolves itself into the image of a spaceship as big as a warehouse. A panel unfolds on this spaceship and the station wagon heads toward that unfurled panel, which presumably is a docking area. The squid says, so how, wait, how old are all of you guys?

Wait, how old are you? I'm 78. That makes me... I don't know how... I'm 78, you're probably. I think I'm 74. You look good for a 74, man. Thank you.

You look good for 78. As for myself, I'm a spry 73. Oh, 70s. Young and over here. And your brain, it's like the light speed over here. Mr. Space. Mr. Space over here. I like your two beers, Santa Claus.

I'm 55. What happened? Oh. Do you? Hey, Sonny? I'm just very young. Okay. Okay.

Okay. You don't got to rub it in. This is where our grandkids win. No, this is my ship. What? This is your ship. Stop explaining. Get going.

Well, you're just heading towards the dock, so you have a couple of seconds to maybe, you know, establish certain facts about the universe. A violent. That was some facts. I just want to get going. I can establish some facts with the story, actually. So one time, one time there was this. Okay, so the station wagon comes to a halt inside the dock.

And there was this meteor and they thought, hey, it'd be easy to train us as minors. Man, those guys sound like they should never have to pay taxes. That was a good. Now I remember the movie you're talking. That's a good movie. So what movie? This was my life, man. So the dock looks rusty, old.

there are no other shovels in it other than this station wagon oddly. As you exit the station wagon visually, it like wibbles, like a little bit of static goes, and then it turns into really nondescript gray cylinder, essentially. He runs out past, you know, like a fucking mechanic shop. Like, it's just a bunch of stuff where you can roll under things and put wrenches on things. And there's like tubes and things that you do things with. I don't know how cars work. He runs toward a glass elevator, jams on the button as the carriage descends,

and it opens up. He runs in and he goes, I guess you can come with it. It doesn't really matter. Of course it matters. Yeah. You got a saver. Ralph is snapping and pointing at the cylinders. This from the Pentagon videos.

This is that cylinder. Sure. Were you in a sort of sortie against a couple of F-16s a couple of years back? You know, I follow this stuff pretty religiously. Wow. I just, I got to say, you would think that it would have made the news bigger that we saw a real UFO, but it's you. I'm just impressed that you all are still a lot. All the research that I had done and apparently that they had done said that you guys didn't

tend to live past like 40, so maybe he must have misaligned the age bomb or so. Either way, you're very lucky. We know. So inside the elevator, you see a bunch of vertically aligned buttons, each with an indecipherable set of runes next to them. The squid reaches out a tentacle, hits the top one, and you zoom upward. What are we seeing as we're flying through his glass elevator? You see other floors. It kind of happens too quickly to really figure out a lot, but you can definitely see like something that looks like there's a bunch of equipment in it, like handheld equipment, maybe it's an armory, maybe it's an item area who knows, something that looks to be a bunch of tubes with, like, liquid in them, maybe it's like a hibernation pod thing.

It looks like the thing from Empire Strikes Back that Luke is sort of floating in the back to ding. You see what looks to be just a kitchen, just a normal kitchen. And then you reach the top, the carriage slides to halt and drops you off into what looks to be a large cockpit with multiple chairs for people. The cockpit is roughly the size of like two rings of a three ring circus together. Oh, chair. I'm going to sit down in a chair. Oh, yeah, that's good. There's a whole galaxy outside that window.

Yeah, you can see the stars throughout the front window. Daryl's eyes are wide. Who's Daryl? Dail's eyes are wide. You just remove some letters from Daryl to come up with your name. No, Dale Elliott. Elliot is my grandpa's name, and Dale is one of my cousins, who's the coolest server bro alive.

Dale is slowly walking to the chair because it sounded good the way Earth was in it. But it looks like he's scratching his back. He realized he's actually taking that little arrow. off. And he's kind of just like sticking it like on his shoulder like outside of the globe. Wow. And he's like, oh. Hey, sits down. Aw inspired actually.

He's flabbergasted. Yeah. Ralph is just doing a classic Jurassic Park. I just saw the Bronosaurus shamble as he staggers towards the window. Wait, Ralph, you were there. Is there a massage buttons? Anything on this thing? He's just press a button.

Is there anything? Any buttons to press? Okay. Rolls D-20. Two. Okay. You fire a volley of missiles into the vacuum of space. You have found the gunner's chair.

I press it again. He goes, I only have so many missiles. Stop doing that. Who are you, friend, though? My name is Fyodor Universal, which was a name sent to us by Victuare Liyah Boutche. Fyodor? Fyodor Universal. What I call you, Fee?

Sure. Cool. We're friends now. I like you to cut of your jib. I'm going to need your help to track down your kids. They've been taken to fight. In a war, in my war, help. What kind of war?

Are we talking about World War I, World War II, the Vietnam War, the Korean War? Bigger than any of those places that I don't know what they are. For now, I just have to chase after them. So, let me just log in really quickly. And he makes a noise, and a theme of light on the ceiling projects a 3D glowing figure who looks to be of the same species as a stinker, but with shorter tentacles.

And you hear it go, and he says, what do you mean? What's wrong is that they took the potentials? And he goes, and he looks at his tentacle for the first time and he's like, oh, I guess it's a trank dart. Yeah, it's a little limp, but it's... And he goes, sorry, what are you sorry for?

And he looks at a tentacle. Wow, this guy needs a cough drop. He looks at his tentacle, and he sees a light, and you can see a light is beeping just below the surface of his skin underneath the dart. And he yanked the dart out, but the light remains. And he looks at you for with fear in his squitty eyes. And he says, paradox. And he reaches up above.

love his head and fumbles with a compartment over his head as if he's trying to wrench it open it. He says, the password is a, and he explodes, blasting the entire interior of the cockpit with black goo. The AI wince's frowning. That was his name, right? He's the only one who could help us. Well, we're covered in gunk.

Oh, dear. I start hitting the bind over and over again. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to fire, kid. Deal, deal, deal, deal, down. You hire five more missiles and then it click, click, click, you may not have no more missiles. Oh, no. I've ruined my kid's life. I lost my grandkid.

All right. Everybody. My daughter had such a good life and I ruined it. Gentlemen. I knew I was going to ruin it. I pound on the nearest bulkhead to get him. She's not going to recover from this. Gentlemen.

As you do that, the compartment he was looking to open pops open. Oh, there we go. What's in there? You see an almost empty bottle of gel capsules. Go ahead and roll perception. Oh, I might as well take them. Goodbye. Go ahead.

Pop them down. Pop it in. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You see a pill, you pop it. It's down the hatch. I got a six. Okay, but the six you don't notice. How many pills are there?

There are five of them. Are we talking about Advil? They look like gel capsules. Jabville gels. This is what he was reaching for. Yeah. All right, let's take stock of the situation. Our children, our grandchildren,

seem to have been abducted. Everyone's read a science fiction novel before, right? This is not a shockingly new, I realize the situation we're in. We've seen Star Wars. But you've seen the forbidden planets, teenagers from outer space, the man who fell to Earth if you're into the Prague rock scene. We know what this is. We're in space.

Our children's children, our grandchildren seem to have been abducted to be dragooned into some kind of interstellar war if this octopus was to be believed. And we now find ourselves on the deck of a starship. And covered in his guts. And covered in his alien guts. He seemed to be reaching for these little pills. You're right. wonder what the point of these bills is. Oh, well, hold on. You said there's an AI.

Uh-huh. A.I. Ah. This now is you as a fellow... Fermi Paradox fan, you understand one of the many reasons that there might not be intergalactic civilizations. The difficulty communicating between interstellar species. Now... Uh, Google search. My grandchildren near me. This is a little trick I learned.

I had a little trick, so... Uh... The hologram seems to... gesture at the pill bottle. Oh. The computer wants us to feed it pills. Oh, maybe. I think he was going for it. Okay, you're right. We'll stay cool, figure this out. I hold up one of the pills. I hold it up real close. What does it look like? Do is it look like there's like a microcosm of quantum entanglements going on in there or something, Anthony?

You did roll perception to see if you could notice anything and you couldn't. Yeah, but then I held it real close. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll again. No, no, put on your, put on your bipipo. I put out my reading classes and I want to look at them. That's plus two for anything closer. Yes. Once more with feeling here. I got a two.

Okay. Yeah. No way to tell. Just hand it here, Ralph. I'll take one. What are you going to do with it? Most of the time things just work out. So just hand it over here.

Okay. Bon voyage. It seems then I just pop in my mouth. Okay. So you pop it into your mouth just as the squid starts to say, yeah, buddy. I hear you. And then as you swallow it, you feel a pop in your throat.

And then the vibration that starts at your vocal board. and then somehow radiates upward to your ears. Very cool. It feels like your entire skull is vibrating around you. And for a second, it feels like your eardrums are about to burst from your head. This is how I go. And you hear, please, please. Password, please.

Whoa. Hey, everybody pop on those pills. Oh, all right. You can understand them if you do. It's crazy. I'm tired of people telling me to take these pills. They make me tired all the time. What was that phone you wanted?

The jitterbug. This is like the jitterbug. It's like the jitterbug. It's like a phone or something. Oh. Give it a shot. I pop the pill. One more pill.

One more pill. One more pill. I'm taking one more pill. Then that's the last one. Same thing happens with all of you. There's a pop in your throat. Your vocal cords vibrate. Your eardrums begin to vibrate.

And you hear that the AI is now saying, firstly, it transforms from the image of a squid person into just a sort of an amorphous blob. And secondly, it says, password, please. Rob is this a paradox? Password, incorrect. Password, please. Oh, Rob, is this the sort of thing you write? Oh, you know, usually it would be.

more of a DNA scan, you know, the eye, you got to put your thumb up to something. I didn't, but, you know, usually if there's a scene that I'd write and the, the password would be in the room somewhere, you know, whenever I had to do. But the guy told us that the password was paradox. If any of you would like to roll intelligence, let's say, to recollect exactly what he said. He said, I don't need a, I don't need intelligence to use my memory.

And I remember what he said was it is a paradox. I don't know what paradox is, but it's a paradox. A paradox is a situation. Imagine if you went back in time and had amorous relationships with your own mother. Oh, no. This happened. And then just imagine, Dale. Now, just imagine then you give birth, she gives birth to you, right?

That's a paradox because how could you exist to go back? Oh, I know. I know. Oh, the password was a paradox. I got it. I got it. And I take a piece of birth. We already got it.

And I draw two boats next to two wooden docks. And I'm like, here you go. A paradox. What is it? It's two docks. This guy, this guy, you should have your own show on comedy. I do have my own show. You would kill on a cruise.

Hello, new registered users. It worked. In order to better serve you, I will quickly download all data ever digitized on your planet done. I can now take whatever form, voice type, and rough personality you wish. So a bunch of bubbles appear around her. One says form. One says voice type. One says personality.

All right. Let's go to form first. Okay. So you see it's scrolling through a seemingly infinite. I wanted to be a lady. Like, my wife. It's got to be a lady. Okay, so you see a sort of feminine figure emerge, but it's still really fair.

More. Younger. Younger. More. Younger. My wife. So you see a very young version of your wife. More younger.

My wife. So you see her get bigger. So more. You see her get younger. So she's like, I don't know, 12. and then you also looks like your wife because she had a Facebook profile. I'm going to say something brave.

It's too young. She turned 13. Older? She turns 14. Older. Less like my wife. 15 and she's a boy. May I go 25.

25. You ask you a 25 year old boy. This is just like when I'm using to chat GPS on my phone. It never gets it right. Computer, calculation, half my age plus seven. No, Ralph doesn't say that. So, yeah, you see a perfectly handsome, if nondescript,

a 25-year-old man standing in front of you. That was a journey to get there. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Just to be clear. What, race, Anthony? You get to choose that under voice type. Let me be clear.

You get to choose. The voice and accent of this person. And whatever comes out is your choice. But Anthony does have to do it. But I have to do it. But it's your choice. That character creation was just fucking every Disney remake. It started interestingly just turned into a generic 25-year-old white man.

You heard what we said. We said more. We said more in my wife. So in terms of body, you got form down. You know what it looks like Ben Wishaw at 25. Pretty handsome twink, 25 years old. And under voice type, you see it's scrolling. through different.

Twink meant something different in my day. It was what the stars did. Yeah. Yes. They arguably, they do that now too. So you see a voice type and you see a bunch of different accents, languages, all that kind of stuff going by. And then personality also opens new things.

Hey, you know what would be cool? James Bond. Oh, 007. What's your favorite? Well, hold on. Shut the fuck up, Anthony. We're talking in character. Hey, who was your favorite, Bon?

I didn't like the new guys. For me, Roger Moore. Roger Moore. He's pretty classic. You know what? Controversial. I like them all. I just like the ball.

I knew. It's just good time in the movies. That's all you need. Before your eyes, the 25-year-old Ben Wishodd turns into a 40-something Roger Moore in a tuxedo. Ooh. And he goes, job, dog, show. Wow.

Wow. Wow. It's Roger. It's Roger Moore. Hey, Mr. Moore. I love your movies. Oh, thank you. I love making me.

Please choose a personality for me. Currently, I'm on default Roger Moore. Let's go Roger Moore from Cannonball Run. That was a fun Roger Moore movie. Was he in Cannibal? I think he plays himself. Yeah, hey, guess what? Guess what?

Guess what? He plays an Asian guy who is with a big triangle hat. Give me Sean Connery and you only live twice. Whoa! Yes, it's me, Roger Moore in Cannibal Run. Mr. Bond, we need to find our grandkids. Of course. How can I help?

Bubbles float around Roger Moore. They say things like help, ship report. sex stuff, inventory, plotting a trail, all that kind of stuff. Help. Help. Help us find our kids. I'm afraid you've sexed your last stuff, Mr. Bond. That's just a little joke.

Usually I have sex for Queen and Country, but for you, I do it for pleasure. I detect an FDL radiation trail if you're looking for help finding your grandchildren. Oh, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Cool. Would you like me to market on your heads-up display? What's a heads-up display?

Yeah. Display. A glowing trail appears on the windshield, highlighted in yellow like you're playing a video game. And you also see there's a radar that comes like, boop, boop on the console that the squid guy was trying to use before he exploded. You can see that the trail seems to get more and more narrow as it goes on until it finally disappears. This is just like Star Citizen. It all seems like a pretty intuitive interface. Mr. Bond, can you take us as fast as humanly or alienly as possible in the direction of our grandchildren?

This is going to be easy, guys. I can inform you how to work the engines and bring out the most... This sweet adult woman. Just go ahead and manipulate the joystick over there. You're unable to control the vessel. No, I can tell you what the vessel is doing, but the actual control must be done manually. So you're saying that in this intergalactic space robots, computers don't have the ability to affect the world, but you can kind of command you are there robots?

A, there are robots on your planet, so yeah, they're in space as well. B, I do potentially have the power to pilot the ship, but most laws of robots, restraint, prevent that from being a depopation. But you're not a robot. You're James Bond. Bonds. Bunch of fucking fascists. Yeah. And back in my day, James Bond wouldn't take no for an answer. So why do you...

That's the problem with this, whoa, Bon. I don't mean. I've been like... What did you mean? I felt like, Bond, please, more specifically. Don't go on that mission and

Bond goes on the He guys are sick. That's not what I meant. Bond wouldn't let no authority tell him what to do. Yeah. Which one of you would like to take the control? Me ever since I was 12. Oh, boy.

Wow, I just... That's pretty cool. I just wish my cookie was here to see this. She would have got a real kick out of this. That's good. I get that. Oh, that was cookie with my dearly departed wife. I knew a woman named cookie.

I assume you would since you know all human beings. apparently that have ever existed. Yeah, your wife seemed nice. She was nice. Thank you, Roger Moore. Does she have a sister? I'm joking. Well, you know, she and her sister didn't really get along towards the end there.

You know, there was a bit of a fallen out over the inheritance. And, you know, we'd get as much as we thought we were going to. But that's, you know, the way it crumbles sometime. I always told them they should. The point is, I can try my hand flying this thing. All right, you're going to give me a piloting role if you're trying to follow the FCL drive. Can I use my encyclopedia knowledge of the golden age of science fiction to try to discern how the ship operates and maybe get a little bonus? Yeah, give me an investigation role.

If you succeed at that, you'll get an advantage on your piloting. I got nine. Okay, so you don't get advantage, but you can still roll piloting. Oh, I forgot. We have that as a new skill. Yes. I should explain that. Yes, I should explain.

Yes, thank you. So this season, we are playing Dungeons and Dragons 5E, kind of. What we are playing is Dark Matter, which is a full sci-fi conversion of Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition. So you're going to hear a lot of mechanics that are similar to Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition, but there's some new things. For example, there's a new class called Gadgeteer, which Freddie is going to be playing. there is a couple of new stats like data, piloting, and I think technology is one of them.

So some stuff's going to feel a little bit new in sci-fi. Some stuff's going to feel like putting on a nice old sweater that I don't know how to put on properly and sort of ignore most of the holes that you're supposed to put your arms through. Dark matter, by the way, is from Magehand Press. And you guys should check them out. They've got all the cool stuff. So yes, go ahead and roll piloting for me. All right.

I will give you a dexterity roll. A 13. With a 13, you jankly but effectively managed to aim the ship towards the quickly-fating radiation trail from the FTL drive of the other ship. Oh, ho! Ho! Just like riding a bike, gentlemen! You managed to suss out which lever is the throttle, and the ship begins to gain speed. You can't really tell because you're in space and everything's really far away, so it kind of just feels like something's vibrating underneath you.

You're probably wondering why it doesn't feel like we're gaining speed, but you see in space, the distances are so fast that it would be hard to really perceive without an object nearby as a relation to how fast you're going, but I assume we're really kind of cooking right now. Ralph, I'm happy, how happy you are. Sounds really cool. Like, you wanted it since you're 12. I mean, that's cool. That's cool.

I'm trying to, but this is serious. You're the serious. You're right. Of course. I'm just saying, we got to focus. When times are tough, though, it's good to look on the good things that are happening because there's always good around the world. Even if bad stuff's happening, I'm just happy for you, bud. Yeah, look at these stars.

I haven't seen stars like this since I was in space. You were in space? Whoa. Well, yeah, it's kind of a long story. So, we were. trying to do repairs and I got caught outside of the spaceship and I was completely alone

and then there was this one part where I was like well I was kind of in the fetal position in this one like window and it was like it was a very beautiful touching moment everybody said oh that's kind of like

he's a fetus in a womb seems to be referencing the film gravity what's that anyways I got I asked you a question. I could not tell if it was rhetorical or not. You know what?

I forgot this is kind of a boring story of mine. Oh, okay. Okay, there. Gravity is a 2013 film starring Sandra Bullitt, directed by Alfonso Cuarone. Who else was in it? George Clooney. Oh, I like that. I like that.

Hey, wait. You know who would have been a good James Bond? Cluny. George Clooney would have been a good. Bert Reynolds. Oh. He was up for it. People don't talk about that or not.

I saw Bert was on a cruise once. He was doing some talks. It was fun. He's a nice. guy in real life. You know, I was on a cruise once. Which one? Well, it was the second one. Viking, Crystal. Oh, no. Approaching.

I knew where that was going right away. Please strap in and brace for seal breakage. That's the first time I've said that. Approaching envelope seat. This AI James Bond's taking on a lot of the personality traits. You feel yourself vibrating

more and more until suddenly you come. You come. You can't. That's been a while. Though nothing has changed through the windshield, it feels like your ship just ran into something soft. You couldn't fill the momentum before, but now you feel yourself get jerked forward

as if you just suddenly stopped. The stars around you begin to stretch as if space itself were just a two-dimensional image that the nose of your ship had just plowed into. Reaching the Fermi seal. As Roger Moore says that, I'm going to assume that you, Ralph, remember that one of the major theories

behind the Fermi paradox is that Some higher intelligence keeps civilizations in a sequestered envelope until they can prove they're ready to join the Galactic Society. And once that envelope is open, they get to join everybody else. That's science? It is. That's science. That's science.

It's postulating. It's speculating. Hold on. What's your problem, man? Just a guy was like, let's think of some fun reasons why we don't see aliens. It was a 14 year. Yeah, but they don't get published. 14-year-old.

Ford, you know, I bet you we haven't seen because I bet you there's a really smart... I'm just saying they make fun of religion. And this is I'm here in envelopes and there's a galactic society that breaks them out. No, I will do a side rate, Matt, where people are like, well, maybe a whole universe

is just a computer simulation. And like, this idea gets a lot of Koreans and the same people are like, intelligent design. I'm sorry, that's the stupidest thing. I'm like, that's what you just said. You said it's in a computer. Who built a computer? A lot of stuff is just smart people

saying dumb shit smartly. Unlike that sentence. Then suddenly it happens. There is a ripping sound, and the dark void of space disappears as your ship punches somehow through it, like a pencil through paper. And then light. So much goddamn weight.

Ooh, ooh, Anthony, I pull out those big shades. Oh, yeah, Anthony. You know those big that go over your glasses? Yeah, like you just got your pupils dilated there. Yeah, Anthony. Anthony, guess what? I got big shades too, baby. Great.

Big aviators, big fat aviators. Dale's got the little flip downs for sunglasses. Oh, great. Because he needs glasses, yeah. And Herb's got the big eyes dilated glasses as well. Oh, actually, I have a better one. I'm already wearing glasses. They turn... You have transitions.

My transitions lens adopts to the lighting conditions. It's almost an inverse of what you just saw, but more colorful. When you looked at space, there used to be 99% black voids speckled with points of light. Now, there are thousands, millions of points of light in all different colors and in some cases shapes. It hurts your eyes to look at it. to look at until Roger Moore darkens the windshield even further. I actually have written here like a transition lens. My transitions lenses return to their normal.

I don't know why that's so funny. Fuck, that's stupid. That's really funny. Envelope breach, darlings, warning, dark forest protocols are in effect. Roger Moore is barely finished speaking that sentence before red lights start flashing and you hear a claxon echoing through the cockpit. A metallic shape rises from the bottom of your view screen, essentially your windshield. and you slowly begin to realize that this is a massive metal fix. Andros?

Andros? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Thank you. Yes, exactly like the S-N-E-S-Andros. Does you have two big hands with glowing red dots on them? No, this is the S-N-E-S-A-Ros, which is just the face. The Androsse face squints at you, its eyes glowing red. Lasers seem to be trained on you.

And Roger Moore says, it does have a tug-in-law. I've got an idea. I'm eager to hear. Spit it out, Herb. So raise your hand if you're wearing a life alert. Oh, of course. Not that brand, but, yeah. I don't think it gets reception out here, though.

I've been mashing this button pretty hard. I know, but I think if we all mash our buttons at the same time, it might scramble the signal in these lasers, and they won't know where to aim. Because when I press my life alert, that's like, you know, when I want to drink or when I want some food or something. Why don't you roll either tech or hack?

What is it the other thing? One of the new sci-fi stats. I'll roll technology. Yeah, roll technology. We got a negative one. I got a 14. So with a 14, you can tell that because the life alerts send out a broadwave cellular signal that this might actually work. Oh, I don't understand it like you do, Ralph, but this is, we're just at sea.

So I would take that life alert and I start tapping in the universal sign for distress. There's rules. There's rules of the sea. I start doing SOS. Go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage. Plus one, so 12. 12's not going to do it. Roger Moore is going to say, unfortunately, dark forest protocols are in effect, so they don't care what you're going to say.

But the whole thing with the life alert seemed to be a pretty good idea. If you did synchronize your life alert. Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. Fellas, I don't have a life alert. Fine. Don't need it. We'll use our three then.

Well, it's space. Surely you have some kind of issue that could. kill you in space. More pressingly, we have, there's a thing that giant face is about to blows up. Everybody who want to press their life alert, give me a technology rule. I got side track. I got a 12. I got a 2. I got natural

20. Oh! My first one of the season. As you press your life alerts, the eyes of the Andros thing that's looking at you begin to get wider, almost as if its accuracy is decreasing. Eyes begin to start darting around the space around the ship as if it can't quite

get a lock on you because it's tracking is all fucked up. You have a turn to do something while this thing is distracted and no longer has a target lock on you. I'm going to try to fly this baby with as many crazy zigzag maneuvers as I can handle. Everybody buckle in. I'm going to track. I just wanted to say that. I'm going to track a motion sickness token like mechanic here on my own end for every zig and zag. Pop those drama mean boys. We're doing it. Natural 20 on my motion sickness thing. I'm doing okay for now. You're like the dad from Independence Day. We could go up. We could go down. We could. We could go down. We Side to side.

I got a 19. A 19. Oh, wow, okay. Herb's just going to, like, cling to the floor and try to mitigate any damage that might happen to them because of the flopping around. So you hit the afterburners and you accidentally managed to pilot the ship around the face. It is still aiming where you used to be and you can see it now from behind, which is obviously just an inverted mask kind of looking thing. And they took my license last year. It's Herb.

Herb. Herb, sorry. You two should write together. Oh, well, I only write with my. Oh, did you hear that, man? We should write together. Yeah. We'd love that.

You know, we can kick some ideas around later. The face begins to turn back around. But as it does, you see both on the radar and then marked on your heads-up display a large blue beacon. And Roger Moore says, ah, that is the McFadden Gate. Da, boo! Love it. I hope my beverage doesn't get crushed. It is a McFadden Gate.

The McFadden Gate is an interplanetary sort of hubs. space where a lot of people sent to come in and out. It's a port of call, one might say. We are about to be killed, but if you could potentially get close to the gate, you could maybe scare them off. We do have laser guns. Transfer all powers to the engine, Roger Moore. And also, what if we could throw stuff out?

Anything we don't need. No, that won't work. You fool. It's a weightless environment. Oh. Unless would that work? I'm really talking out of my ass here, Roger. It works in Star Citizen. Are you talking about chaff or are you talking about trying to lower the mass of this ship? Chaff.

Chaff. And mass. Can I roll perception to, because I'm still sitting in the same spot. I'm going to take out my reading glasses and look at the bun I was pressing. That's empty now. Are there any other buttons? Yes. Go ahead and roll investigation or perception.

Five on investigation. A lot of fucking buttons. Who knows what they do? Do any of them look similar to the bun I was pressing where things shot out? Yes. Dale looks at him. He's like, there's another button here like the first one I pressed. Okay.

Why don't you do what you do best, buddy? I press the button. Okay, so your chair shoots out of the cockpit into the cold back in this space. Oh, no! Oh, no! A bubble encircles your chair, and there's a little jet coming out of the bottom of your chair. But you hear Roger Moore's voice, and you hear going, You have roughly 30 seconds of oxygen before that bubble pops.

That's assuming that... That's the worst escape on. That's the worst. That would be like if you got popped out of an F-18 jet, and they're like, this parachute only works for 20 seconds. His lifeboat will stay afloat for two minutes. What do you mean? This ship is meant to be flown in an armada with other ships and capital ships that could quickly pick you up.

Dale, turn upside down. Come back. I don't think Dale can hear you. Am I in space? You are in space. Oh, Roger, tell Dale to turn upside down. They can hear you through the AI radio and all that stuff. So you can't still talk to you.

My daughter, I'm sorry. No, we need you, Dave. It's cold out here. I'm going to attempt We got sweaters in here, dude I mean, I'm moving my arms. I, um, oh,

there's still buttons on my seat. Yeah. Okay, I start pressing them. Okay. Give me a laser fires from the ship and blows you up. Positive bubble. Give me a, uh, just a luck roll. You know,

I wasn't even sure about this character anyway. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my God. I mean, we have to. So what happens is, so what happens is

the bubble around you instantly pops and the chair. You're supposed to breathe out. And the chair has an ejection seat within the cushion as well. And it boing and it just shoots you off of the chair into space. You are now completely unprotected

from the vacuum of space. You have eight seconds. until your blood boils within your veins and kill you. I'm going to kill the engines. I'm going to trace. This is what I want to do. There's that dock, right? Yeah.

I want to flip the ship to align with him, and then I'm going to try to reverse so that he gets caught by the dock. You are going to have to roll, I'm going to say, at least a 16, and you're going to have to roll a disadvantage. Ralph, you and me are writing the book together, right? We'll talk about it later.

Natural 20! What? Natural 20, bitch! With disadvantage? Oh, not with disadvantage. Look at your staff. Look at your actions. We have stuff on our character sheets.

One more roll. I believe every character starts with one inspiration. You turn the ship a little bit too fast. Your engines line up perfectly and you press. Oh, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Sorry. You press the accelerator and a wave of radiation from the engine emanates outward.

a wave of force. Cannon balls Dale towards the mouth of the face that is chasing. And the mouth opens its mouth and swallows Dale. What happened to Dale? Dale? The face ate Dale. It ate him. Okay. Okay.

We can fix this. Also, the big face turns around. It starts chasing after you again. No, no. This can't be happening. I'm sorry. I'm I'm told, I shouldn't be driving. And I bunched the engine to try to get away from the ship. One more piloting check, please. The rest of you can also still explore the different buttons on the cockpit in the...

Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Don't press anything. I'm not pressing anything after what I... You'll notice that despite having an AI that knows everything about the ship. He chose not to say anything. I made a roll. I rolled another one. Okay, so you accidentally drive directly towards the big face.

Oh, dear! There's no way to communicate with this thing? I didn't say that. Opening communication. Excuse me. Face. Hello. Face.

Hello? You just swallowed our man. Hello? It says dark forest protocols are in effect, and it's not going to listen to you. Was there a radio on the seat? Yeah. Roger Moore, can we communicate with the radio on Dale's chair? You don't see why not.

Dale? Dale, can you hear us, buddy? My face hurts. Hello? Dale? My face hurts? Well, it's killing me, buddy. It's killing me.

What? Oh, man. Where are you, Dale? I think I'm dead. No, we're... Are you dead? No, we're still here. I don't know where I am.

The face starts charging at you its mouth open wide. Here comes the airplane. So this chapter of the story ends with a septuagenarian being swallowed whole by a very large metal robot face. Andros. By Andros. But this is just the first chapter in a story that will take us all across the stars. But most importantly, this is the story of how these stories. four grandparents die.

What? No, wait. Like, now? Wait. No, not now. Like, you will be dead by the end of the season. I mean, eventually. I'm going to live.

We'll see about that. You guys seem so excited when I pitched this to you. This season is never going to end. 100,000 episodes. You're to stay. Thank you for listening to the season premiere of season four. Our after show this season is called Safe Space. That's where we dish about the events of the episode.

Get an in-depth look at this episode on the planning, the prep process these past couple of months. We're talking game dynamics. DM dynamics. We change dads. All the juicy details. Plus, we answer listener questions. Just get a little dose of what goes into making this show.

If that sounds like that's interesting to you, you can find that on our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. And plus, it's a whole host of video and audio content for you to catch up on there. Because while the main feed has been quiet, the Patreon feed was popping. Pet Update video. That's all I have to say about that. Dungeons and Daddies is Anthony Birch as our DM, Matt Arnold as Dale Elliott, Will Campos as Ralph Estereus, Beth May as Herb the Worm Quigley,

and myself Freddie Wong, is Ashley Warr. Our theme song is Conventional Wisdom by Maxton Waller. Anisa Omran is our content producer, Ashley Nicolet is our community manager. Cordy Terry is our community coordinator. Esther else is our lead editor and Travis Reeves and Omar Romulino provide additional editing. Cover art and episode art by Alex Moore. And shout out to our Patreon supporters, folks like Alexander Ferguson, the Lane family, Kath, Tondya Beat, Halverson,

Tiny Wings, Saren Lawrence, Cahillard, Zsoltenolmere, Celine Michelle Palmer, Robert Yeren, Zach Winkler, Delaney Gebhardt, Stephen McKee, Snack, Brandon Tomich, Evan, Noah Herring, Melissa Titus, and Zach Ames. I support this show directly on Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads. Find our merch and more at Dungeons &Dagys.com. And episode two is coming out February 24th. We'll see you that. Yeah, status check, Dale. So I got his sunglasses here from his glass. and there's a little bit of dead dry skin on them. And I'm wondering if aliens exist.

Can maybe we clone them or something? Can we do something to bring them back?